English Standard Essay Marking

[EmileeSmith]

I'v attached it 2 posts above the one you replied to

thankss

[conic curve]

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction.please be more specific by giving examples of the human interaction when necessary Visual images critically foster emotional responses and empathy as it portrays an individual’s response to challenging notions of relationshipsIn what way? How?. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China.I think for this, you could use the word "similaryly, or "on the other hand" In the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, we see that a person’s human interaction may try overcoming society’s expectations expectations of what? You still aren't clear of thiswhich can often be difficult as the book explores the ideasexplores the ideas of what?. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of distinctive colourswhat sort? and the use of backgroundsagain you need to be more specific on this between two individuals to capture the audience’s attention as well as to provide meaningful insights of an individual’s human interactions with others.
 
Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions of what? due to societal barriers again you need to expand on this. This is depicted in classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, which limits the social construct boundaries of art and passion which is evident in the Chinese literature you need to expand and more specific on this when you refer to the limiting of social construct boundaries of art and passion.  The social structure in ancient china is crucial aspect for the Chinese, influencing their social position again this needs expanding. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of one of the main characters, Shu Lien’s, a Giang Hu warrior, who develops a complicated relationship with the young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is limited due to the nature of social barriers. It is through such imageryyou haven't stated the example of the imager demonstrated to the audience to shape the total meaning that is being presented to the audience which impacts our experiences in relation to the extwhat do you mean by "ext". The daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society. The frequent use of high-class, expensive costuming reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life you need to state the technique. What is the technique used here? Imagery? .  Throughout the film, transformations of costumes what sort of costumes? rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity.

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social contextwhat sort of intimacy. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions or in the desert, where she met Bo. Lee uses the two diverse environments to portray distinctive visuals towards the audience demonstrating Jen’s transformation  by the distinctive image of the bridge between Beijing and the environment which Jen is oppressed by her family, thus leading Jen to the desert scene where has finds freedom but yet rebellious by going against the ancient Chinese customs I think the appropiate technique used here would be Juxtaposition.  In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot you need to explain what the image is about symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no bordersof what?. The difficulty of the two environments for Jen Yu indicates of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated lifestyle of what?, thus allowing Jen to reconsider her new love for Bo. Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home as he doesn’t make it back home after serving his country at war. This reflects the current society what sort of society? that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements (WW) dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fearI think you need to explain this image. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone you need to explain the colour tone, which is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning. One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature.

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others try to expand on this thesis statement. ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack develop a relationship with an outcast enemy. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from a honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood. Through realism, this symbolises war and bloodshed you need to explain this technque. Wolfer also uses white frames and borders throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family back which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature that he lived in what sort of nature is it. The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photographic tears were rolling down his cheeks.” I think it is neccessary to explain what technique it is The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society.how? you need to explain on this   

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience. in which way does this happenThrough human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences.again, I think this needs expanding


My comment: I thought that this essay was pretty good however there are quite a lot of aspects which need expanding. You also need to be clear whenever you state your techniques and when explaining their significance and how it impacts others

[EmileeSmith]

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction.please be more specific by giving examples of the human interaction when necessary Visual images critically foster emotional responses and empathy as it portrays an individual’s response to challenging notions of relationshipsIn what way? How?. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China.I think for this, you could use the word "similaryly, or "on the other hand" In the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, we see that a person’s human interaction may try overcoming society’s expectations expectations of what? You still aren't clear of thiswhich can often be difficult as the book explores the ideasexplores the ideas of what?. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of distinctive colourswhat sort? and the use of backgroundsagain you need to be more specific on this between two individuals to capture the audience’s attention as well as to provide meaningful insights of an individual’s human interactions with others.
 
Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions of what? due to societal barriers again you need to expand on this. This is depicted in classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, which limits the social construct boundaries of art and passion which is evident in the Chinese literature you need to expand and more specific on this when you refer to the limiting of social construct boundaries of art and passion.  The social structure in ancient china is crucial aspect for the Chinese, influencing their social position again this needs expanding. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of one of the main characters, Shu Lien’s, a Giang Hu warrior, who develops a complicated relationship with the young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is limited due to the nature of social barriers. It is through such imageryyou haven't stated the example of the imager demonstrated to the audience to shape the total meaning that is being presented to the audience which impacts our experiences in relation to the extwhat do you mean by "ext". The daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society. The frequent use of high-class, expensive costuming reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life you need to state the technique. What is the technique used here? Imagery? .  Throughout the film, transformations of costumes what sort of costumes? rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity.

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social contextwhat sort of intimacy. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions or in the desert, where she met Bo. Lee uses the two diverse environments to portray distinctive visuals towards the audience demonstrating Jen’s transformation  by the distinctive image of the bridge between Beijing and the environment which Jen is oppressed by her family, thus leading Jen to the desert scene where has finds freedom but yet rebellious by going against the ancient Chinese customs I think the appropiate technique used here would be Juxtaposition.  In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot you need to explain what the image is about symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no bordersof what?. The difficulty of the two environments for Jen Yu indicates of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated lifestyle of what?, thus allowing Jen to reconsider her new love for Bo. Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home as he doesn’t make it back home after serving his country at war. This reflects the current society what sort of society? that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements (WW) dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fearI think you need to explain this image. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone you need to explain the colour tone, which is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning. One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature.

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others try to expand on this thesis statement. ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack develop a relationship with an outcast enemy. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from a honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood. Through realism, this symbolises war and bloodshed you need to explain this technque. Wolfer also uses white frames and borders throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family back which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature that he lived in what sort of nature is it. The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photographic tears were rolling down his cheeks.” I think it is neccessary to explain what technique it is The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society.how? you need to explain on this   

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience. in which way does this happenThrough human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences.again, I think this needs expanding


My comment: I thought that this essay was pretty good however there are quite a lot of aspects which need expanding. You also need to be clear whenever you state your techniques and when explaining their significance and how it impacts others

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could you take a look at my essay again,
I edited and expanded parts of my essay
thanks 

[jamonwindeyer]

\

could you take a look at my essay again,
I edited and expanded parts of my essay
thanks 

You still have my feedback coming (likely tonight, or tomorrow morning) so I'll use this new version!!

[conic curve]

Spoiler

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction such as personality traits. Visual images critically foster emotional responses and empathy as it portrays an individual’s response to challenging notions of relationships are made by the use of artistic expression artistic expression of what?. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images such as? reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China. Similarly, in the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, we see that a person’s human interaction may try overcoming cultural social norms which can often be difficult as the book explores the ideas of the relationship with nature. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of distinctive territory such as? and analogous colours such as? and the use of rectangular frames between two individuals to capture the audience’s attention as well as to provide meaningful insights of an individual’s human interactions with others.

Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions of Wudang fighters due to societal barriers such as society's behaviour towards female warriors. This is depicted in classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, which limits the social construct boundaries of art and passion of Wudang Warriors which is evident in the Chinese literature try to explain what sort of chinese literature text it is. The social structure in ancient china is crucial aspect for the Chinese, influencing their social position such as nobles, whom were viewed a emperors. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of one of the main characters, Shu Lien’s, a Giang Hu warrior, who develops a complicated relationship with the young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is limited due to the nature of social barriers. It is through such nature that Lee has demonstrated the audience to shape the total meaning that is being presented to the audience which impacts our experiences in relation to the text. The daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society. The frequent use of wide-angle shot of high-class, expensive costuming reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life. Throughout the film, transformations of costumes in a Changao, rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity.

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s emotional intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social context. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions or in the desert, where she met Bo. Lee uses the two diverse environments to portray distinctive visuals towards the audience demonstrating Jen’s transformation by the distinctive image of the bridge between Beijing and the environment which Jen is oppressed by her family, juxtaposed to Jen to the desert scene where has finds freedom but yet rebellious by going against the ancient Chinese customs. In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot of the horizontal landscape of the desert symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no borders framing her face. The difficulty of the two environments for Jen Yu indicates of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated lifestyle within the Chinese social hierarchy thus allowing Jen to reconsider her new love for Bo. Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home as he doesn’t make it back home after serving his country at war. This reflects the current international conflict of society that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fear as Wolfer uses a worried body pose of Jack as he is trying to camouflage in the green bush. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone by using tinted colour as it lightens the hue, making the scene less intense is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning. One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature such as?.

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others which creates a distinctive image. ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack develop a relationship with an outcast enemy. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from an honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood. Through realism, this symbolises war and bloodshed by the use of mahogany and wine red colours as the main vector lines throughout the picture book. Wolfer also uses white frames and borders throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family members which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature of inhumane treatment that he lived in. The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photographic tears were rolling down his cheeks.” With the use of the enemy soldier as the salience feature, thus signifying the true nature of the society the soldier is placed in. The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society as it reveals their true identity.

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience by the use of contrasting colours and hues. Through human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences which creates distinctively appealing images. 

I thought that this was much better than the previous one. Good job

Moderator Edit: Added spoiler

[jamonwindeyer]

Could you take a look at my essay again,
I edited and expanded parts of my essay
thanks 

Hey Emilee! Certainly can, essay is attached with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction such as personality traits. This is good, but I'd like you to expand on the "multifaceted nature of an individual's identity" and the "personality traits" that you mention here, they will likely form the conceptual drive of your response! Visual images critically foster emotional responses and empathy as it portrays an individual’s response to challenging notions of relationships by the use of artistic expression. Slightly messy expression there, but good ideas. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China. Fantastic introduction to the text. Similarly, in the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, we see that a person’s human interaction may try overcoming cultural social norms which can often be difficult as the book explores the ideas of the relationship with nature. Slightly messy expression there. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of distinctive territory and analogous colours and the use of rectangular frames between two individuals to capture the audience’s attention as well as to provide meaningful insights of an individual’s human interactions with others. Again, slightly messy wording: Try reading your essay aloud to spot these issues. The ideas here are solid though! I'd like to see you simplify things though; give me one big central concept that you are pushing throughout the whole essay and set that up immediately.

Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions of Wudang fighters due to societal barriers such as people’s behaviours towards female warriors. This sentence would work better if you keep it abstract, don't go into the example just yet. This is depicted in classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, which limits the social construct boundaries of art and passion of Wudang Warriors which is evident in the Chinese literature. Expression. The social structure in ancient china is crucial aspect for the Chinese, influencing their social position such as nobles, whom were viewed a emperors. Expression. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of one of the main characters, Shu Lien’s, a Giang Hu warrior, who develops a complicated relationship with the young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is limited due to the nature of social barriers. Slightly retell at the end there: We don't need plot descriptions! It is through such nature that Lee has demonstrated the audience to shape the total meaning that is being presented to the audience which impacts our experiences in relation to the text. This sentence needs an expression fix; it doesn't really say much, what IS the meaning? You don't answer this question for me. The daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society. Retell. The frequent use of wide-angle shot of high-class, expensive costuming reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life. Throughout the film, transformations of costumes in a Changao, rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Good. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity. Be sure to add a proper conclusion to your paragraphs! Like a, "Thus, this is the point I've proven," sort of thing

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. Awesome intro! In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s emotional intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social context. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions or in the desert, where she met Bo.Retell, if you had popped a technique in this sentence instead (juxtaposition perhaps?) you'd be golden. Lee uses the two diverse environments to portray distinctive visuals towards the audience demonstrating Jen’s transformation by the distinctive image of the bridge between Beijing and the environment which Jen is oppressed by her family, juxtaposed to Jen to the desert scene where has finds freedom but yet rebellious by going against the ancient Chinese customs. You could be more succinct in expression there. In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot of the horizontal landscape of the desert symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no borders framing her face. Good. The difficulty of the two environments for Jen Yu indicates of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated lifestyle within the Chinese social hierarchy thus allowing Jen to reconsider her new love for Bo. Retell. Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home as he doesn’t make it back home after serving his country at war. Slight retell there. This reflects the current international conflict of society that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fear as Wolfer uses a worried body pose of Jack as he is trying to camouflage in the green bush. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone by using tinted colour as it lightens the hue, making the scene less intense is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning. Try not to just rattle techniques in the process of retell: Tell me WHAT THEY DO, what image do they create and what does this image reveal to the audience (us)? One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature. Good job for trying to summate, but give it a little more of a conclusive feel. Adding a "Therefore" or a "Thus, it is clear how..." to the start could help.

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others which creates a distinctive image. Haven't quite sold me on that "which creates a distinctive image" bit, could you elaborate? ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack develop a relationship with an outcast enemy. Expression issue. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from an honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Good textual parallel. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood. Through realism, this symbolises war and bloodshed by the use of mahogany and wine red colours as the main vector lines throughout the picture book. Those sentences there could be easily blended to create a better flow to your idea! Wolfer also uses white frames and borders throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. Not quite sure how the white frames and borders achieve this; perhaps elaboration is required? This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family members which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature of inhumane treatment that he lived in. The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photographic tears were rolling down his cheeks.” With the use of the enemy soldier as the salience feature, thus signifying the true nature of the society the soldier is placed in. Expression issue. The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society as it reveals their true identity.

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience by the use of contrasting colours and hues. Slightly specific there: I'd cut the sentence after "identity" to be honest! It would work well more generally. Through human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences which creates distinctively appealing images. Great conclusion! I'd like a tad more meat to it (one more sentence maybe), but this works well

This essay is the best one I've seen from you Emilee, some really great concepts in here, much better analysis and a solid structure. Good stuff

Some really simple ways you can improve to start: First, read your essay aloud to a friend (or three). Have them indicate at any point where they lose what you are trying to say, or if something doesn't sound right to them. Examine those areas for expression issues. Second, go through and highlight any part of your response that recounts a plot element. Ask yourself two questions; 1 - Does it need to be there? If not, remove it. If it does, then ask: 2 - "Do I need to give this much detail to someone who already knows the text, or will they know it already?" These are two really quick simple tidy ups

More generally, I'm looking for more conceptual clarity. I want to read an essay like this with one big central idea that you always return to. For you this would probably be the first sentence of your conclusion: Distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity, and a similar statement in your intro. However, I'd like to see you delve into what aspects of an identity it reveals, and further, to maintain this idea throughout the response. You are getting there, but really work on making this idea stand out clearly to the marker; and chances are this will help you do more with your analysis by forcing you to continually reference "what the image reveals about the true nature of identity."

Besides this, little things like adding conclusions and elaboration on certain things would help to. But expression/retell can be fixed quickly, and then spend a little more time working on your conceptual focus, and using it to enhance your analysis great work though Emilee! As I said, best essay I've seen from you so far

[EmileeSmith]

sorry i just really need to pull up in English, its my worst subject

btw what do you mean by conceptual focus

[jamonwindeyer]

sorry i just really need to pull up in English, its my worst subject

btw what do you mean by conceptual focus

Good on you for working to improve it!!

A 'conceptual focus' is like a main idea, a big theme that goes through all of your essay. It is usually defined in the first couple of sentences. For example, a simple one:

Although typically portrayed positively, love is in fact one of the most damaging of human emotions.

That's the BIG IDEA, the one you want to prove through the whole essay. Your paragraphs pick a PART of this conceptual focus (called a Thesis), and deconstruct it. For example, my paragraphs for the concept above might be about:

- Love as a cause of jealousy
- Love as a cause of self-doubt
- Love as a cause of dishonesty/mistrust

All stemming from that BIG idea, but all SMALL ideas in themselves. In your essays, I'm looking for you to establish the BIG IDEA more clearly, and then maintain it through well chosen SMALL ideas. It need not necessarily be exactly like this, everyone approaches it slightly differently, the key is always that you are answering the question, that must always be the goal you have in mind

Ps - You've hit 60, did you want me to mark this one or your AoS one?

[EmileeSmith]

ohhh that makes sense, I think I did that in my latest essay
could you mark this one please thankyou

[jamonwindeyer]

ohhh that makes sense, I think I did that in my latest essay
could you mark this one please thankyou

Sure thing! Essay is attached with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction such as personality traits. I think the latter half of that Thesis has an expression issue, but good concept! Distinctive images give us new insights on how identities impact on human interaction, cool! In fact, you could probably remove personality traits, it doesn't add too much at the moment. The multifaceted nature of self-include life experience and social position in which shapes an individual’s national identity. Expression issue there; keep working on reading this out loud and identifying these! Normally not a big deal, but it can impact on the clarity of your ideas. Visual images foster empathy towards the audience, as it portrays an individual’s response towards challenging notions of relationship as the composers use artistic expression to influence the audience. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images and colours reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China. Similarly, in the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, Dianne Wolfer explores an individual human interaction with another by the use of juxtaposed colours in which the book explores the relationship with nature. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of territory and analogous colours to capture the audience’s attention as to bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience by the use of contrasting colours and hues. I think your ideas in this Thesis are 100% set; very effective (as long as they answer whatever question is in front of you) purely expression issues, keep reading it out to people, keep tidying it up, but the concepts behind it are sweet.

Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions due to societal barriers. Fabulous introductory sentence. This is depicted in the classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Drag”, Lee uses the social construct boundaries of art and passion which is evident in the Chinese literature. The social structure in ancient china is a crucial aspect of the Chinese cultural norms, thus influencing an individual’s social position within the hierarchy. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of the main character, young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is juxtaposed of her social barriers. What technique achieves this? The frequent use of wide-angle shot of the daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society, in high-class, expensive costuming, reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life. Too much unnecessary detail here, pretty much the entire middle is irrelevant, keep the focus on the technique and the effect! Throughout the film, transformations of costumes in a Changao, rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. Good, try and link this to the audience! When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Good. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity. Thus the use of such analogous colours allows the audience to depict the national identity of the individual juxtaposed of their social class. This paragraph has come far since the first draft, nicely done! I'd like to see you put even more of a focus on techniques (Literally, "The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience ____________."), and again, continue to work on clarity and succinctness of expression.

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. Awesome. In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s emotional intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social context. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions juxtaposed in the long-shot desert, where she met Bo thus symbolising her rebellious identity by going against the ancient Chinese customs. Expression issue; technique? In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot of the horizontal landscape of the desert symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no borders framing her face juxtaposed to her home in Beijing. Who is 'her' -> This is the sort of ambiguity that less than ideal expression can create. Minimise the work for the marker!  The frequent use of lightening contrast between the scenes symbolises Jen’s fear of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated identity within the Chinese social hierarchy. Thus showing the audience? Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home. This reflects the current international conflict of society that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fear as Wolfer uses a worried body pose of Jack as he is trying to camouflage in the green bush thus portrays Jack’s identity as a soldier in war. Flow on sentence; much of the latter half of this is retell and could be omitted. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone by using tinted colour as it lightens the hue, making the scene less intense is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning thus revealing to the audience the resilient distinct images of war, illuminating the horrors on the battlefield and the effects.  One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature. Thus, it is clear how composers use heavy-duty colours and hues in order to give an individual an identity. Again, your ideas in this paragraph are extremely effective! It is very much just your expression holding you back. Linked to this, you have a lot of unnecessary information (mainly textual details).

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others which creates a distinctive image towards the audience. Slightly unclear on this concept, perhaps a rephrase would help? ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack, who develops a relationship with an outcast enemy by the use of juxtaposed colours to create a sense of national identity. Good. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from an honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Good parallel; be careful not to fall into describing the plots of the text though. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood through realism, thus symbolising war and bloodshed by the use of mahogany and wine red colours as the main vector lines throughout the picture book. Expression issue: But good focus on techniques here! Wolfer also uses white frames and borders symbolising photographs throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family members which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature of inhumane treatment that he lived in. Try to make your analysis abstracted from the text (I'll explain this below). The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photograph in my hands. Tears were rolling down his cheeks’, portraying the enemy soldier as the salience feature in order to express the true nature of the society the soldiers were in. Was the quote necessary there? The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society as it reveals their true identity.

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity. You may want to start your conclusion with another conceptual statement. Distinctive images are critical in allowing the audience to visualise how the text shapes meaning. Through human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences which creates distinctively appealing images. Solid conclusion!! Good summation of your ideas!

I agree, your conceptual focus is definitely better in this version than your previous drafts. Your ideas are shining through much more effectively, and I think they are extremely effective! Great work on the improvement

The key piece of feedback I'd have for you is expression. This is tricky, because it's not something I can help too much with (because fixing expression for you would be writing it for you, which is a clear no no, and there are no hard and fast rules to apply to spot the issues), Your ideas are great; but they aren't coming through as effectively as they could be, because they are held back by what at times can be ambiguous, or at other times overcrowded, expression.

I'm noticing lots of sentences that go for too long, try to squeeze too much in. Read through your essay at a normal pace; if you can't say a sentence in one breath, trim it down

Beyond this, keep reading the essay aloud to people. This is the best way to fix these issues, because hearing it aloud will make expression issues more obvious.

Some other feedback: Keep working on your analysis style. It is improving all the time, but I'm still looking for a greater focus on techniques and less focus on plot.

This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family members which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature of inhumane treatment that he lived in.

This is retell; it doesn't add any new information and doesn't provide your perspective. You have an idea in here though, concerning inhumane treatment. I want you to replace sentences like this, with sentences like (for example):

The use of mono-chromaticism throughout the text creates a distinctive, emotionally devoid image for the audience, symbolising the nature of inhumane treatment (add detail as required.

I've removed the reliance on the plot, and replaced it with a more abstract analytical statement. It need not be necessarily like this, but I'm looking for you to rely less on the plot of the text. It will raise your sophistication

I hope this feedback helps! Feel free to chase me to explain anything that is unclear

[TiarnaJade12]

This is my HSC prepared essay for Paper One, the text was the play, Away by Michael Gow. Could you please read and give me feedback on how to make it stronger or what to change? Thanks

[elysepopplewell]

This is my HSC prepared essay for Paper One, the text was the play, Away by Michael Gow. Could you please read and give me feedback on how to make it stronger or what to change? Thanks

Hello there! Congrats on your first post, and congrats for being so close to the HSC! In order to get a work marked on the forums, you need to make 15 posts. You can read more about it in the link in my signature below. It isn't hard to do that though! Ask questions, answer questions, or join in on the cohort's discussion thread! We'll check back when you've gotten your posts up

[dylan862]

Hey guys, can you please give me feedback on my discovery essay?

Question: Discoveries help to shape an individual’s identity and the way that they perceive the world around them.

Individuals may experience change due to the reconciling of discoveries, which can affect their perception of the world they live in. Discovery is a new experience that can be lead forth by a change of one’s mind. Michael Gow conveys the ideas of hardship and acceptance through his play “Away”, as the characters journey through different holidays in order to become changed people; synchronising with Christopher Kezelos’ film “Zero” where discrimination and judgement plays a crucial role in initiating everyone’s personal discovery. These ideas are conveyed to help deepen an individual’s understanding of ways that discoveries shape a person’s identity and the way they perceive the world around them. Thus provokes an individual to reflect on their own life.
Gow recognises hardship by shaping a character in his play ‘Away’ through mental changes in the characters. Jim, Gwen’s husband, illustrates to his daughter Meg the hardship they had faced growing up in the depression “The world was full of people walking around the country side looking for something to eat, all thinking about the day they could stop walking. We all did it. Your mother did it.” Jim illustrates through the use of imagery to emphasise to Meg that it is through the hardship Gwen faced in the depression during her past that has made her who she is today. As a result, her actions imitate her bitter and hollow personality. It highlighted regularly throughout the play that Gwen thrives of conflict especially with her daughter Meg. Gwen furthermore causes her family to become disconnected and dysfunctional.  Gow powerfully strengthens our knowledge of how past hardships can impact the present and the unknown future.
Similarly in’ Zero’, Zero experiences hardship at the initiation of the film which is the core factor of why the change occurs later on. Kezelos accentuates this hardship through the use of imagery.  We are told “School was the only place where Zero received attention. It was forbidden for his denomination to multiply”.   Film techniques such as the first person perspective camera shot of Zero and flipping the camera upside down showing Zero being hung are utilised to deliver a strong depiction of Zero’s experiences as he receives these antisocial judgements. In the classroom, the other children lie to get Zero in trouble, displaying that they do not value zero like any other number. This emphasises just a small portion of the hardships Zero had to deal with. As showcased by Kezelos, hardships experienced by an individual may eventually lead into a fresh discovery.
 ‘Away’ continues to facilitate how hardship catalyses acceptance and creates a meaningful discovery.  At the start of the play, Gwen always had to rely on ‘Bex’ pills to resolve all her problems. She was being too dependent on an external remedy to cure her internal problems. As the play draws to the conclusion, a storm that occurs subsides. As the storm subsides, Tom loses his illness and brings new feelings to Gwen; she cries “I can’t take this powder. I can’t make it go in. I want to take it and it won’t go in. I’m going to be sick”. Gwen repeats “I” as it represents the unexpected confronting discovery she is making to mentally find herself. She realises she has to solve her problems by confronting them rather than relying on the materialistic 'Bex' to get rid of the mental pain she’s experiencing. After confronting them, she becomes a better person and is accepted by pupils as opposed to the person she was during the Great Depression. The storm allows her to rediscover herself as it brings her family closer together; thus allows her to break away the facade of negativity and accept a change in her life. Coral also becomes acceptant as she endorses the simile “like a ghost”.  The purpose of this simile emphasises how Coral has been absent since the death of her son and has been unable to deal in the real world effectively. The self-discovery she experiences at the beach is a metaphor for her emotional journey to recovery of self and ability to ‘walk’ in the world of the living. As highlighted above, Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how accepting change brings new discoveries.
A reference of acceptance moulding the personality of Zero is his baby being born. The citizens express shock and disgust at her pregnant body. Nevertheless, as she gives birth, this disgust changes to awe of admiration when the baby is born bearing the mark of ‘infinity’, “The highest known number…” Zero knew “that for a nothing, he had created something truly magnificent”. Symbolism is elucidated here as the pair had given the number zero a new perception. They had brought the largest number possible to life, which is more than what any other number cannot create. Now that the baby is alive, every other number values the number zero and he is able to discover what he is truly worth. As highlighted above; Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how change brings new discoveries.
Throughout Gow’s ‘Away’ , Gwen experiences meaningful discoveries through the physical adventure of a holiday as they return from their holiday as new people. Kezelos demonstrates in ‘Zero’ how significant something small like the birth single baby can change everyone’s lives in the way they vision any situation. The ideas of hardship and acceptance support how much a single change can influence how an individual sees the world around them.

[elysepopplewell]

Hey guys, can you please give me feedback on my discovery essay?

Question: Discoveries help to shape an individual’s identity and the way that they perceive the world around them.

Hey Dylan! We have a policy that requires 15 posts on ATAR Notes forums before you can get a completed piece marked. We just do this to ensure the quality of marking is high, and to make it feasible. You're only 13 posts away! Ask some questions, answer some questions, or join in the discussion in the 2016 cohort's discussion thread. Let me know if you need any help finding anything

[jamonwindeyer]

can you mark my essay thanks

Hey Katherine! Sure can, I've popped comments throughout!

Spoiler

Owen’s poem “Insensibility” portrays the dehumanising nature of war as soldiers have deliberately become desensitised in order to cope with the unspeakable horrors of war. Good introduction. In the opening of the free verse poem, Owen’s use of the anaphora of “happy” to allude to William Wordsworth’s poem “Character of the Happy Warrior”, which depicts an idealised image of resilient soldiers at war. Great sentence, but flow a little off, change 'use' for 'uses' maybe? Owen, however, he oddly juxtaposes this with the metaphorical image of “veins run cold”, which reveals that the soldiers in reality feel emotionally numb and are devoid of warmth and compassion. If you are going to integrate your quote into your writing, ensure that the flow makes sense. This can be tough! But the sentence without the quotes, "metaphorical image of veins run cold," doesn't make sense, and it detracts from your sophistication. Owen thus expresses his bitter cynicism that soldiers are forcibly placed amidst senseless slaughter, which has led to the loss of their humanity and converted them into robotic automatons. Good. The cold brutality of war is amplified through the use of metaphor of “alleys cobbled with their brothers” which depicts the horrific image of corpses paving way for soldiers, who are inhumanely described as “gaps for filling”. Good. Owen here demonstrates that the soldiers are seen as nothing but replaceable commodities. This is reiterated by the personification of “Chance’s strange arithmetic” which reflects the commodification of humanity as the soldiers’ fate is governed by arbitrary and impervious forces. Thus, this reinforces that war is horrifically incomprehensible in a sane world. In stanza five, Owen’s archaic language such as “besmirch” and “overmuch” links to the battle scenes from Shakespeare’s Henry V where the “blood all over our soul” suggests the irredeemable tainting of the conscience caused by bloody warfare. Great analysis here. In order to withstand the war’s assault on their sensibilities, the soldiers have chosen to become heartless, which is demonstrated through Owen’s hyperbolic tone when describing “dullards” and “stones”.  In “Insensibility”, Owen thus elucidates war’s assault on their sensibilities which reduces them to a half-dead state thereby conveying the plight of common soldier. A great paragraph that pushes the point well! A few little flow issues, but overall very effective!


In the dramatic monologue poem, “Strange Meeting”, Owen presents a realist’s image of a meeting of soldiers in the limbo between life and death to reveal the gruesome and horrific reality which counters the nationalistic propaganda that depicts them as proud and heroic. You could make the expression here a little more succinct, but love the premise! Owen invokes the landscape of a haunted consciousness where grotesque figures threaten to rise up in order to convey that their guilt and moral culpability has caused “shell shock” and neurasthenic nightmares. Good amplification. This is exemplified through the use of oxymoron in “dead smile” in which the corpse-like look suggests the soldiers’ nightmarish vision as they metaphorically “stood in Hell”. Good. What does this show the audience about your theme though? Be explicit with these links. Owen employs parallelism in “Whatever hope is yours,/was my life also” to suggest that what is shared between the meeting of the persona’s eerie doppelganger is an awareness of the “truth untold”. The psychological suffering of soldiers caused by war is demonstrated through the metaphor, “Foreheads of men have bled where no wounds were”, which alludes to and reflects them as the Christ who is a sacrificial victim and peacemaker in the Book of Luke. Excellent, what does this biblical allusion do for Christian audiences? The juxtaposition in “I am the enemy you killed, my friend” induces the sense of irony as there is no sense of tension or angst between the enemies, but similarity as they both do not triumph but lie helplessly and haunted in hell which refutes the misleading perception of them as proud and honourable. Slight expression issue there. In the paradoxical final line “let us sleep now...” indicates that the enemies unite in death and moreover, the ellipses suggest Owen’s prophetic vision that the war will never end. Is that a paradox? Through the surreal image of the meeting between soldiers from opposing sides, Owen explores the caverns of death and despair, which present an apocalyptic vision of mankind’s future that is tainted by thirst for violence. In “Strange Meeting”, Owen thus presents his reflection on war by demonstrating the soldiers’ final acceptance of death due to the unceasing horrors of war which made them hopeless. Another effective paragraph!

Two very effective paragraphs Katherine!! My only comments would be on ensuring that proper, clear expression is maintained in all circumstances, and also, ensuring that your paragraph topic is explicitly threaded throughout the paragraph. At brief times in both paragraphs you didn't make an explicit link to your main idea, try to make it really scream throughout your paragraph!

I'd also suggest for you to be making more explicit links to the audience. What are we shown? How does a particular technique show us something about your text and its themes? As a prime example, what does the biblical allusion you discuss in the 2nd paragraph do for Christian responders? Try to consider the link between audience and composer (that link being techniques), and that will only raise your sophistication further.

All that said, this is great stuff! Great analytical style and powerful concepts, fantastic work Katherine! Slap a good intro and conclusion on this and you'd be on a winner