Free AOS essay Marking!

[WLalex]

Hey WLalex!! I'd be honoured, I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments, I hope it helps!! 

Spoiler

Each new discovery brings consequences for the individual.  Discuss how the composers of your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text have explored the personal consequences of discovery.

With each new discovery, one has to accept that consequences may follow. These ramifications can be both enhancing or diminishing, forcing one to act and acknowledge a previous perception that may now be false. Discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society, propelling an individual to confront truths about themselves. Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications of crossing the barrier between known and unknown resulting in a new understanding. Each new discovery won’t come without consequences. Fantastic concepts in here! I would recommend streamlining this a little bit, simplify your concept and express it in two sentences. Then, there are some things you need in your introduction that are missing. First, you need to introduce the texts (and authors) you will be discussing, and only then do you need to list what your paragraphs will be about (in a single sentence, much more concise than what you have at the moment). Finally, some kind of more conclusive sentence linking the text to the concept.

Provocative discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society. A breakthrough can hold damaging ramification as it can challenge everything that was one known, resulting in renewed perspectives that aren’t always wanted. I would suggest bringing the text and author in here, introduce it and say how it relates to your concept (which I love by the way). Ang Lee uses her beginning to emphasis the charm-like childhood Pi has grown up around, with up beat non-diegetic sound and slow dissolve shots of the zoo and himself. Keep in mind that Ang Lee is a male! The India emergency acts as a catalyst where Pi discovers that not everything is perfect or as he put it, “the world had lost some of its enchantment”. This is paired with rain and washed out colours to signify Pi’s change in tone and, consequently, affecting the way he views life. Similar to Pi, Palahniuk uses the discovery of Tyler as the narrators trigger in which he undergo’s a shifting perspective on the life he lives. He concludes that “maybe self improvement isn't the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer”, the use of repetition allows the audience to witness the contrasting beliefs of the narrators old self, as he views the world from a different perspective. It can be seen that new discoveries can result in the ramification of evaluating what used to be, and such with the narrator, he is now going about life differently. Pi is also seen to have a moment of understanding that has resulted from his journey. Lee also speaks to the viewer through the intensity of the scene, using a emotive close up of Pi’s face with the evaluated dialogue when Pi realised that realised that “the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye”. Here Pi is referring to the unceremonious depart of Richard Parker which allowed him to reflect on his journey as a mechanism which transformed the way he looked at life. Discoveries can have consequential damages to the way an individual chooses to view the world. This paragraph contains some excellent techniques and examples from your chosen text, fantastic! What is missing is analysis, right now you are slipping into retell. You are giving a quote, a technique, and then recounting what it shows about the character. Instead, use the quote and technique to show how Lee has demonstrated the discovery concept! This is the missing link here. Further, something like a, "Therefore, it is clear that discoveries can have" at the start of your conclusive sentence would be great!

Discovery can propel an individual to confront renewed truth’s about themselves. The revelation of truth can result in a renewed understanding about ones purpose and objective, leaving one either revitalised or demoralised. Pi is forced to confront and ultimately accept his possible morality through the use of storms which is viewed as a symbolic turning point in the film. Storms are a recurring motif, representing Pi’s internal struggle. When the storm passes, the calmness shows change and rebirth as Pi has accepted his state and made progress with Richard Parker. A long shot of Pi’s raft in the vast ocean reminds the viewed of his vulnerability in a much wider world which exists beyond Pi and his situation. His dialogue, "Thank you for giving me my life. I'm ready now," is followed by a fade to black, signifying an ending and change of direction in the film. Pi, at this time, discovers that he cannot fear death and now that his rage and fear are gone, he can focus on saving himself and Richard Parker with a revitalised outlook on his situation. Contrastingly, Palahniuk uses his narrators discovery to emphasise that the truth can obliterate ones purpose, ultimately destroying them. The audience learn through a hyperbole that Tyler never existed and the narrator was merely “fighting everything [he] hates in [his] life.” This truth leaves the narrator questioning who he says, “how you always kill the things you love, well, it works both ways.” Palahniuk uses this as an allusion to the things humans loves that are ultimately destroying them. The narrator is left demoralised after Tyler, the man he idolised, turns out to be his split personality. The narrator is then confronted by all he has done and recognises his dissatisfaction with the truth and ultimately his being. The truth that comes with discoveries can either be too much for one to handle or can leave them with a revitalised purpose. Your techniques are fantastic in this paragraph, like incredible, but again, it is missing the analysis. What does the author show us about discovery, and how? How does Palahniuk's approach differ/agree with Lee's?

Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically. A new discovery can have meaningful consequences, challenging an individuals outlook, impacting the way they think and act. Pi’s childhood was based around an allusion of both god and himself, being challenged when he is forced to face problems head on. The evolution of Pi both physically and mentally is signified through the recurring motif of storms, which Pi recognises as a mechanism which strips him as he commented that “you can not know the strength of your faith until it has been tested”. Pi is continually commenting on the impact the discoveries he made about himself had on shaping him as a being. As Pi kills and eats a fish, a voice over is used from an older Pi, commenting that “hunger can change everything you ever though you knew about yourself”, foreshadowing the effects the primitive nature of survival has had on him. As the audience discovers the narrators hallucination in Fight Club, they are left to see the unfolding of dramatic effects both externally and internally. The narrator begins to realise that everything he though mattered is really meaningless and through repeating negative connotation, the narrators attitude is emphasises being that “[he] should run from self improvement and [he] should be running towards disaster. [He] cant just play it safe anymore”. A hyperbole is used to emphasise the effect Tyler is having on the narrator’s outlook on life, influencing his sense of self. As the narrator embeds himself in Fight Club, it becomes a place of salvation for him, giving to him what religion never could. A metaphor is used to interconnect the ideology of church as “theres hysterical shouting in tongues like at church, and when you wake up Sunday afternoon you feel saved”. This alludes to the way meaning can be derived throughout life, challenging and evolving the self. See the comments above, the comments above hold here as well. This paragraph is dangerously close to just straight recounts at some stage, be sure to keep the focus on analysis!

When the barrier between known and unknown is broken, ones can gain a new understanding. One can re-evaluate their lives as a result of the ramifications of discoveries. Lee shows the transformation of Pi through his figurative battle he undergoes with himself based on what he believes. Pi’s story comes to a complete circle during a close up of Pi’s face against the sand where it was “warm and soft, like pressing [his] face against the cheek of god”. This simile signifies that Pi has ultimately reached a culmination
in his deliverance to faith which he was able to discover as a result of his ordeal. Comparatively, the narrator in Fight Club experiences a downhill spiral once discovering who he is is not who he thought he was. Fight club served as a mechanism for the narrator to be who he wanted to be without acknowledging it and when the barrier is broken-down he realises that “the game is over. Its not fun anymore”. A metaphor not only highlights the narrators delusional state by referring to his destruction as a ‘game’ but also the negativity repercussions his discovery has caused. New understandings can evolve from discoveries as a result of their consequences and repercussions.

Each new discoveries brings consequences for the individual based on what is being discovered. They can change the way one views the world and everything around them as they are forced to confront hidden truths about themselves. The result of discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications causing an individual to gain new understandings. The price of discovering the unknown is the arias of consequences based on how far an individual is willing to go. I love this conclusion! You just need to bring in the texts you have discussed to get a full sense of closure.

This essays big strength is its textual referencing; your quotes are fabulous and you have a great variety of literary and film techniques! Brilliant!

There are a few areas I think you need to work on, all of which I mentioned briefly above. The big point is this: Analysis . You are quoting and assigning a technique to quotes BRILLIANTLY, like bloody brilliantly. However, you are then using this example to show us something about a character in the text. This is retell. What we need instead is for you to use this as evidence to show how Lee or Palahniuk have represented a discovery concept in their text (specifically, the discovery concept you are discussing in that paragraph).

EG (totally made up) - Smith's use of figurative imagery in the protagonists introductory dialogue, "The sky of diamonds," portrays a sense of hope and opportunity to the audience and communicates the opportunities presented by a discovery experience.

I have a technique, a quote, and what it does for the audience. This is where you should be aiming.

This said, you have a great backbone here! Try working on this and feel free to post your essay again for some more feedback! We'd love to help out some more 

Thanks heaps Jamon, appreciate it!
I was wondering if you could give me any advice on choosing between my two related texts for Life of Pi. I have Fight Club (as in this essay) and the Kite Runner, would you have a preference?
Thank you

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi how am i supposed to fit the question "Curiosity is essential to finding a true sense of discovery" to the character Gwen in Away when her discovery is instigated by necessity not curiosity?

What are some possible thesis I can come up with " discoveries can allow us to speculate future possibilities"?
My intro to this question: "discoveries may challenge individuals' perceptions and broaden their understanding of self and the world, leading them to speculate upon the possible outcome of the change in their attitudes and beliefs"

For the first sentence of my intro, can i give a definition of discovery not relating to the ques, but relate it in the second sentence.

Sorry for delay on this Katherine, I'll ask Elyse to drop in to answer your question when she can, since it is on her text 

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks heaps Jamon, appreciate it!
I was wondering if you could give me any advice on choosing between my two related texts for Life of Pi. I have Fight Club (as in this essay) and the Kite Runner, would you have a preference?
Thank you

The only thing I would suggest is not to use two movies, so the fact that you are considering two novels is awesome already 

I've actually not read either novel, but I know how good Fight Club is by word of mouth. My advice would be to use whatever backs up your arguments more effectively. Whatever you want to discuss about Life of Pi, which novel is easier to link? If you brainstormed, which novel would have more points? There is your answer, make life easy for yourself!

Sorry I can't comment further, my reading isn't as wide and varied as it possibly should be 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello I posted this in the Advanced English marking forum as well, but I think it might be better if I posted here instead. Just hoping someone can give me as much feedback as possible please for this essay (actually to be presented as a speech!). It's the first time I've done a related text because we didn't do one in year 11 for some reason, so I just wanted to make sure my structure and analysis is okay, whether I've really answered the question enough and if there's any parts I should cut out because it's too long for the time limit.
Thank you so much!!!

Spoiler

Discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. How accurately does this statement reflect the ideas represented in your prescribed text and ONE related text.   
               
CRITERIA:
• Formulate a question based on the HSC Advanced English Rubric
• Demonstrate an informed understand of the ideas expressed in the text
• Evaluate the text’s language, content and construction
• Organise, develop and express ideas using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
               
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.

The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.

This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda,  in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover -  “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.

The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy.  Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.

Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.

Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.

Hey Liiz! Thanks for moving it over, I removed it from the other forum just so you know. You were next in line over there, and Elyse may have even started marking it already, so I'll make sure that once the feedback is ready you get it in this forum! Thanks so much for posting!! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Would you be able to look over my essay and give me some pointers!

Hey Amy! Sure thing, I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments:

Spoiler

In order to discover people must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual and my affect people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. I love this as a Thesis/main concept! I would suggest trying to condense this four sentences into 2-3, just to make it easier to replicate in an exam situation. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Raquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the masudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. When you introduce your texts, try not to go into anything more than the absolute most basic details! As in, only half a sentence on the plot, the plot actually isn't important, it is all about what the composer has done to show us something about discovery! Also, be sure to include the author/composer's names. Both texts reveal how people may be forced to challenge their existing views about other races and they form new beliefs where they extend to the winder world. Awesome conceptual base here! Just some structure/form issues and you'll have a great intro!

The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world. I think your use of techniques here is great! However, I think you need to make the distinction: AoS essays are interested in how the CREATOR creates meaning by using TECHNIQUES to show discovery concepts. Right now, you are slipping into textual retell, explaining what happened in the text and how it shows discovery. While you use techniques, which is great, you should try to shift the focus more to the composer!

The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Try to start with a topic sentence just like you did above! And only then launch into techniques/quotes. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.So while the paragraph above had some techniques which pushed it up, this paragraph does not. Be sure to focus on techniques as much as you possibly can!

This essay has an absolutely fantastic conceptual base. You have a well considered, sophisticated view of Discovery which comes through in a very effective introduction! You are also effectively integrating textual references.

Your area to improve at the moment is your analysis and form.

In terms of your form, make sure every paragraph has a topic sentence and conclusion. This gives the reader direction and organises your ideas a little better. You should also try to create a conclusion to pop at the end, to make sure all your points are summarised nicely. A conclusion is kind of like wrapping a present that is going into a bag anyway: It doesn't seem to serve any real functional purpose, but it makes everything look nicer.

In terms of your analysis, there are three main things I (and markers) look for.

TECHNIQUE
EXAMPLE (Quote)
AUDIENCE IMPACT

Or, TEA  Right now, you are giving examples from the text, but not giving techniques in some cases, and never explaining what the audience learns from these techniques. This creates textual retell, where you simply re-state the events of the text. You are focusing on what the characters learn about Discovery, try to focus more on what WE learn about discovery from reading/watching the text. Remember, the creator has chosen their techniques to create meaning for us, to show US something about Discovery. This is what you need to delve into, the composer should always be the focus.

This is an awesome start because you have a well thought out conceptual basis for your essay. This is very hard to fix if it is not there, so you should be really happy. Try working on a few of these things and feel free to post your essay again for some more feedback!!

I hope this helps 

[Mizuki]

I dont know how post in the thread but that is my essay, its 1300 wiords and need help making it cohesive. Not the best essay but thanks so much.

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.

An individual’s discovery evoked by awareness, by accident or by confrontation induces a reaction, which then shapes who one may become. This means that whether the information is new or known, acknowledging the concerns can lead to a greater likelihood of enlightenment. However, through this revelation, an individual will explore oneself and develop a new understanding, not only for the individual but also for broader society. Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s memoir  The Motorcycle Diaries and Franz Kafka’s modernist novella ‘The Metamorphosis’, both clearly exemplify notions of self-discovery that then actuate introspection, followed by the unraveling of what is unknown and the reconsideration of what is known, and therefore elucidate processes of discovery as a matter of uncovering and reconsidering the known, an intrinsic facet of human nature.

The process of discovery can stimulate new ideas and alter perspective and outlook, and therefore be transformative on the individual, leading to self-discovery. Within the first diary entry, Guevara revisits the experiences that ultimately altered the identity he once possessed through changed eyes. Evidenced in ‘The person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again’ the euphemistic death imagery Guevara inserts, illustrates the profoundness within the metamorphosis Guevara claims to have encountered. In addition, the dissociation through third person pronoun “the person” when in fact referring to himself exemplifies the detachment Guevara feels towards his old self. Further reinforced in ‘me…no longer the person I once was’ through a reflective and evocative tone, alerts the responders about the nature of truth. Guevara comments on the subjectivity of first hand experience and truth, one that therefore can no longer be any indication of reality. Linking to the notion that we are all subject to: every person is made different by experience. By doing so, the responder is lead to anticipate the discoveries the protagonist makes during the course of his travels and evaluate his discoveries differently.

This notion is similarly represented in Gregor Samsa’s physical transmutation into the unknown bug. ‘He discovered that he had been changed into a…verminous bug’ here Kafka explicitly links to the concept of discovery through the inauguration of a complete different physical entity. Through negatively connoted visual imagery, the third persons omniscient narrator zoomorphizes Gregors transformation as a metaphor, turning into an extended metaphor. An underlying facet in which explains Gregor’s ultimate hamartia throughout the novella. Further emphasized when he states “what a strenuous job… On the move day in, day out…” The word choice of ‘strenuous job’ indicates the true arduous nature of Gregor’s job as a lower class salesman, followed by grammatical parallelism within the adverb-noun groups and the use asyndeton, highlighting a tone of monotony and dullness, foreshadowing the later events that occur within the novella. Gregor’s oblivion towards his own identity as a proletariat mirrors the dehumanizing exploitation he encounters as a subject to capitalists. (ESSAY Q); Gregor finds comfort in his new verminous body and Guevara having encountered unknown terrain and experiences, foreign to his bourgeois background, undergo a transformation through their own discoveries within the confrontation of truth, reconsidering what is now known, internally and externally. As a ramification, the essence of Gregor’s life is diminished for he turns into an unknown bug, resulting in the dilapidation of the self he once possessed.

Likewise, within the M.C.D this notion is further emblematized with Guevara’s first hand experience within the consequences of social injustice and exploitation. Within ‘la giaconda’s smile’, a reflexive tone when recounting the experiences of visiting and treating an elderly sick woman are showcased, providing an insight into Guevara’s developing revolutionary awareness. The entry starts with factual and vivid description of ‘the poor thing…pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet…’ Through negatively connoted olfactory imagery, and appealing to pathos, Guevara encourages the reader to pity the sick woman, giving greater way to the physical discovery of the class distinctions between the proletariats and the bourgeoisie. However, soon resulting with renewed perceptions of the proletariats, stating that ‘in circumstances like this…poor families who cant pay their way become surrounded by atmosphere of acrimony; they stop being father, mother or brother’ through familial synecdoche and indication of dehumanization as a result of being ‘poor’ ultimately suggests the disintegration of ones integrity as a human being. Guevara then further denotes that they ‘become a purely negative factor in for life… a source of bitterness for healthy members… an insult to hose who have to support them’. Here, Guevara’s true existential revelations culminate, becoming aware of the true brutalization of being a subject to capitalism, indicates his political awakening and revolutionary voice. By uncovering what was hidden, Guevara encounters the true reality of his destiny.

Similarly to M.C.D, there are implications of disregard in the exploitive qualities of humankind towards its own humanity within both texts, and is evident throughout the Metamorphosis with the disdain of ‘Gregor’ as a son, brother and himself as a human. Within the novella, elements of Rene Descartes’ Mind body dualism theory resonate through to the treatment of Gregor and his new physical self. Mind Body Dualism refers to the theory that mind and body are distinct kinds of substances of nature, this is ultimately illustrated through both Gregors internal conflict creating a discord between his mind and body but also through the treatment of him by his family and others around him.
Starting by a horrified yet somewhat accepting attitude towards him, ‘Let me go to Gregor, my unlucky son’, highlighting a glimpse of his humanity and identification. His identity according to his family is then reinforced through the thoughts of Gregor in ‘my family depended on it’, when getting fired from his job, his identity in relation to them as the ‘breadwinner’ has changed from being caretaker to dependent being, however this so called ‘duty’ soon deteriorates when Gregor’s bug-like form is seen as his new self, and is regarded as such. This is represented when Grete comes to give Gregor dinner, the third person omniscient narrator observes that his ‘appearance was constantly intolerable to her… had to exert a lot of self-control not to run away’ highlighting Gretes sentiment of disgust and the burden in which Gregor was, delineating such notions of Body dualism, when Grete gradually turns to regarding Gregor as a bug, rather than seeing Gregor for his internal and true human self. Gregor’s human self is depicted within the actions through his own unconscious- being that animals cannot rationalize; Gregors true and innate human self is ultimately depicted, “Gregor did not have any notion of wishing to create problems for anyone…He remembered his family with deep feelings of love” Appeals to pathos, through the symbolism of the ‘deep love’ not only signifies the true attitude of rationalizing Gregor still possess, but propels Gregor in the ultimate conflict he suffers within himself. Gregor’s place in not only society, but his family has therefore diminished, indicating Gregor’s dehumanization, the notion of the futilistic burden gregor is when not contributing to his family. As before, Gregor, just like the old lady with asthma in M.C.D has stopped being a ‘brother’, a ‘care-taker’ and both have turned into dependent beings.

As such, both texts masterfully elucidate such notions of awakening and confrontation, which resonate within the human condition. Through Guevara’s journey, he comes to the epiphany of the ultimate discovery towards his destiny, to revolutionize the injustices within the zeitgeist of capitalism. Kafka’s metaphoric vigilance towards the readers through the discovery of truth; propels change within both protagonists. Despite the somewhat differing discoveries, composers successfully shed light on the significance of discoveries, and broaden our world-views that such revelations can induce, leading us to new worlds and values, enabling us to speculate about the future.

[elysepopplewell]

I dont know how post in the thread but that is my essay, its 1300 wiords and need help making it cohesive. Not the best essay but thanks so much.

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.

Hey there! Welcome to the thread. I will happily take a look at your essay

Here is your original essay, unmarked:

Spoiler

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.

An individual’s discovery evoked by awareness, by accident or by confrontation induces a reaction, which then shapes who one may become. This means that whether the information is new or known, acknowledging the concerns can lead to a greater likelihood of enlightenment. However, through this revelation, an individual will explore oneself and develop a new understanding, not only for the individual but also for broader society. Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s memoir  The Motorcycle Diaries and Franz Kafka’s modernist novella ‘The Metamorphosis’, both clearly exemplify notions of self-discovery that then actuate introspection, followed by the unraveling of what is unknown and the reconsideration of what is known, and therefore elucidate processes of discovery as a matter of uncovering and reconsidering the known, an intrinsic facet of human nature.

The process of discovery can stimulate new ideas and alter perspective and outlook, and therefore be transformative on the individual, leading to self-discovery. Within the first diary entry, Guevara revisits the experiences that ultimately altered the identity he once possessed through changed eyes. Evidenced in ‘The person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again’ the euphemistic death imagery Guevara inserts, illustrates the profoundness within the metamorphosis Guevara claims to have encountered. In addition, the dissociation through third person pronoun “the person” when in fact referring to himself exemplifies the detachment Guevara feels towards his old self. Further reinforced in ‘me…no longer the person I once was’ through a reflective and evocative tone, alerts the responders about the nature of truth. Guevara comments on the subjectivity of first hand experience and truth, one that therefore can no longer be any indication of reality. Linking to the notion that we are all subject to: every person is made different by experience. By doing so, the responder is lead to anticipate the discoveries the protagonist makes during the course of his travels and evaluate his discoveries differently.

This notion is similarly represented in Gregor Samsa’s physical transmutation into the unknown bug. ‘He discovered that he had been changed into a…verminous bug’ here Kafka explicitly links to the concept of discovery through the inauguration of a complete different physical entity. Through negatively connoted visual imagery, the third persons omniscient narrator zoomorphizes Gregors transformation as a metaphor, turning into an extended metaphor. An underlying facet in which explains Gregor’s ultimate hamartia throughout the novella. Further emphasized when he states “what a strenuous job… On the move day in, day out…” The word choice of ‘strenuous job’ indicates the true arduous nature of Gregor’s job as a lower class salesman, followed by grammatical parallelism within the adverb-noun groups and the use asyndeton, highlighting a tone of monotony and dullness, foreshadowing the later events that occur within the novella. Gregor’s oblivion towards his own identity as a proletariat mirrors the dehumanizing exploitation he encounters as a subject to capitalists. (ESSAY Q); Gregor finds comfort in his new verminous body and Guevara having encountered unknown terrain and experiences, foreign to his bourgeois background, undergo a transformation through their own discoveries within the confrontation of truth, reconsidering what is now known, internally and externally. As a ramification, the essence of Gregor’s life is diminished for he turns into an unknown bug, resulting in the dilapidation of the self he once possessed.

Likewise, within the M.C.D this notion is further emblematized with Guevara’s first hand experience within the consequences of social injustice and exploitation. Within ‘la giaconda’s smile’, a reflexive tone when recounting the experiences of visiting and treating an elderly sick woman are showcased, providing an insight into Guevara’s developing revolutionary awareness. The entry starts with factual and vivid description of ‘the poor thing…pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet…’ Through negatively connoted olfactory imagery, and appealing to pathos, Guevara encourages the reader to pity the sick woman, giving greater way to the physical discovery of the class distinctions between the proletariats and the bourgeoisie. However, soon resulting with renewed perceptions of the proletariats, stating that ‘in circumstances like this…poor families who cant pay their way become surrounded by atmosphere of acrimony; they stop being father, mother or brother’ through familial synecdoche and indication of dehumanization as a result of being ‘poor’ ultimately suggests the disintegration of ones integrity as a human being. Guevara then further denotes that they ‘become a purely negative factor in for life… a source of bitterness for healthy members… an insult to hose who have to support them’. Here, Guevara’s true existential revelations culminate, becoming aware of the true brutalization of being a subject to capitalism, indicates his political awakening and revolutionary voice. By uncovering what was hidden, Guevara encounters the true reality of his destiny.

Similarly to M.C.D, there are implications of disregard in the exploitive qualities of humankind towards its own humanity within both texts, and is evident throughout the Metamorphosis with the disdain of ‘Gregor’ as a son, brother and himself as a human. Within the novella, elements of Rene Descartes’ Mind body dualism theory resonate through to the treatment of Gregor and his new physical self. Mind Body Dualism refers to the theory that mind and body are distinct kinds of substances of nature, this is ultimately illustrated through both Gregors internal conflict creating a discord between his mind and body but also through the treatment of him by his family and others around him.
Starting by a horrified yet somewhat accepting attitude towards him, ‘Let me go to Gregor, my unlucky son’, highlighting a glimpse of his humanity and identification. His identity according to his family is then reinforced through the thoughts of Gregor in ‘my family depended on it’, when getting fired from his job, his identity in relation to them as the ‘breadwinner’ has changed from being caretaker to dependent being, however this so called ‘duty’ soon deteriorates when Gregor’s bug-like form is seen as his new self, and is regarded as such. This is represented when Grete comes to give Gregor dinner, the third person omniscient narrator observes that his ‘appearance was constantly intolerable to her… had to exert a lot of self-control not to run away’ highlighting Gretes sentiment of disgust and the burden in which Gregor was, delineating such notions of Body dualism, when Grete gradually turns to regarding Gregor as a bug, rather than seeing Gregor for his internal and true human self. Gregor’s human self is depicted within the actions through his own unconscious- being that animals cannot rationalize; Gregors true and innate human self is ultimately depicted, “Gregor did not have any notion of wishing to create problems for anyone…He remembered his family with deep feelings of love” Appeals to pathos, through the symbolism of the ‘deep love’ not only signifies the true attitude of rationalizing Gregor still possess, but propels Gregor in the ultimate conflict he suffers within himself. Gregor’s place in not only society, but his family has therefore diminished, indicating Gregor’s dehumanization, the notion of the futilistic burden gregor is when not contributing to his family. As before, Gregor, just like the old lady with asthma in M.C.D has stopped being a ‘brother’, a ‘care-taker’ and both have turned into dependent beings.

As such, both texts masterfully elucidate such notions of awakening and confrontation, which resonate within the human condition. Through Guevara’s journey, he comes to the epiphany of the ultimate discovery towards his destiny, to revolutionize the injustices within the zeitgeist of capitalism. Kafka’s metaphoric vigilance towards the readers through the discovery of truth; propels change within both protagonists. Despite the somewhat differing discoveries, composers successfully shed light on the significance of discoveries, and broaden our world-views that such revelations can induce, leading us to new worlds and values, enabling us to speculate about the future.

Here is your essay with my own comments written in bold font:

Spoiler

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.

An individual’s discovery evoked by awareness, by accident or by confrontation induces a reaction, (take away this little comma) which then shapes who one may become. This is a really cool thesis. However, I think you can tick the boxes of the rubric a little more. You've used synonyms for everything in the syllabus. What I'd like to see is you using some synonyms and some words directly from. This is showing that you are familiar with the rubric but also are original. So I would keep the first bit but then change the end bit to involve "transformative" or "intensely meaningful" because they come from the rubric This means that whether the information is new or known, acknowledging the concerns can lead to a greater likelihood of enlightenment. However, through this revelation, an individual will explore oneself and develop a new understanding, not only for the individual but also for broader society. Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s memoir  The Motorcycle Diaries and Franz Kafka’s modernist novella ‘The Metamorphosis’, both clearly exemplify notions of self-discovery that then actuate introspection, followed by the unraveling of what is unknown and the reconsideration of what is known, and therefore elucidate processes of discovery as a matter of uncovering and reconsidering the known, an intrinsic facet of human nature. This last sentence is long. Well, it's not actually really long, but it seems long because you've introduced a lot of great ideas at once and it's difficult to digest. I suggest breaking this up a little so that the marker can appreciate each idea that you put forward.

The process of discovery can stimulate new ideas and may alter perspectives and outlooks, and therefore be transformative on of the individual, leading to self-discovery. Within the first diary entry, identify the text Guevara revisits the experiences that ultimately altered the identity he once possessed through changed eyes Just need to fix up the syntax here a little bit so that it is clear what you are saying. At the moment, this end bit hangs awkwardly.. Evidenced in ‘The person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again’ the euphemistic death imagery Guevara inserts, illustrates the profoundness within the metamorphosis Guevara claims to have encountered.This is a great example of how you can make a single quote have great usefulness to your argument by showing many techniques in one. In addition, the dissociation through third person pronoun “the person” when in fact referring to himself exemplifies the detachment Guevara feels towards his old self. Further reinforced in ‘me…no longer the person I once was’ through a reflective and evocative tone, alerts the responders about the nature of truth. Guevara comments on the subjectivity of first hand experience and truth, one that therefore can no longer be any indication of reality. Linking to the notion that we are all subject to: every person is made different by experience. By doing so, the responder is lead to anticipate the discoveries the protagonist makes during the course of his travels and evaluate his discoveries differently. Awesome paragraph. Seriously, so far so good.

This notion Rehash the notion here. tell us what it is again. Rephrase it. is similarly represented in Gregor Samsa’s physical transmutation into the unknown bug. ‘He discovered that he had been changed into a…verminous bug’ here Kafka explicitly links to the concept of discovery through the inauguration of a complete different physical entity. Through negatively connoted visual imagery, the third persons omniscient narrator zoomorphizes Gregors transformation as a metaphor, turning into an extended metaphor. An underlying facet in which explains Gregor’s ultimate hamartia throughout the novella. Further emphasized when he states “what a strenuous job… On the move day in, day out…” The word choice of ‘strenuous job’ indicates the true arduous nature of Gregor’s job as a lower class salesman, followed by grammatical parallelism within the adverb-noun groups and the use asyndeton, highlighting a tone of monotony and dullness, foreshadowing the later events that occur within the novella. Gregor’s oblivion towards his own identity as a proletariat mirrors the dehumanizing exploitation he encounters as a subject to capitalists. (ESSAY Q); Gregor finds comfort in his new verminous body and Guevara having encountered unknown terrain and experiences, foreign to his bourgeois background, undergo a transformation through their own discoveries within the confrontation of truth, reconsidering what is now known, internally and externally. As a ramification, the essence of Gregor’s life is diminished for he turns into an unknown bug, resulting in the dilapidation of the self he once possessed. Like the above paragraph, this is great in terms of analysis. The step to improving is now going through and making sure that every, or every second, piece of textual referencing links to a sentence that explicitly talks about discovery. You have to make sure that the marker can see that you are simply using a text to support what you know of discovery, not analysing where discovery is in that text. if that makes sense
 
Likewise, within the M.C.D this notion is further emblematized with Guevara’s first hand experience within the consequences of social injustice and exploitation. Within ‘la giaconda’s smile’, a reflexive tone when recounting the experiences of visiting and treating an elderly sick woman are showcased, providing an insight into Guevara’s developing revolutionary awareness. The entry starts with factual and vivid description of ‘the poor thing…pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet…’ Through negatively connoted olfactory imagery, and appealing to pathos, Guevara encourages the reader to pity the sick woman, giving greater way to the physical discovery of the class distinctions between the proletariats and the bourgeoisie. However, soon resulting with renewed perceptions of the proletariats, stating that ‘in circumstances like this…poor families who cant pay their way become surrounded by atmosphere of acrimony; they stop being father, mother or brother’ through familial synecdoche and indication of dehumanization as a result of being ‘poor’ ultimately suggests the disintegration of ones integrity as a human being. Guevara then further denotes that they ‘become a purely negative factor in for life… a source of bitterness for healthy members… an insult to hose who have to support them’. Here, Guevara’s true existential revelations culminate, becoming aware of the true brutalization of being a subject to capitalism, indicates his political awakening and revolutionary voice. By uncovering what was hidden, Guevara encounters the true reality of his destiny.

Similarly to M.C.D, there are implications of disregard in the exploitive qualities of humankind towards its own humanity within both texts, and is evident throughout the Metamorphosis with the disdain of ‘Gregor’ as a son, brother and himself as a human. Within the novella, elements of Rene Descartes’ Mind body dualism theory resonate through to the treatment of Gregor and his new physical self. Mind Body Dualism refers to the theory that mind and body are distinct kinds of substances of nature, this is ultimately illustrated through both Gregors internal conflict creating a discord between his mind and body but also through the treatment of him by his family and others around him.
Starting by a horrified yet somewhat accepting attitude towards him, ‘Let me go to Gregor, my unlucky son’, highlighting a glimpse of his humanity and identification. His identity according to his family is then reinforced through the thoughts of Gregor in ‘my family depended on it’, when getting fired from his job, his identity in relation to them as the ‘breadwinner’ has changed from being caretaker to dependent being, however this so called ‘duty’ soon deteriorates when Gregor’s bug-like form is seen as his new self, and is regarded as such. This is represented when Grete comes to give Gregor dinner, the third person omniscient narrator observes that his ‘appearance was constantly intolerable to her… had to exert a lot of self-control not to run away’ highlighting Gretes sentiment of disgust and the burden in which Gregor was, delineating such notions of Body dualism, when Grete gradually turns to regarding Gregor as a bug, rather than seeing Gregor for his internal and true human self. Gregor’s human self is depicted within the actions through his own unconscious- being that animals cannot rationalize; Gregors true and innate human self is ultimately depicted, “Gregor did not have any notion of wishing to create problems for anyone…He remembered his family with deep feelings of love” Appeals to pathos, through the symbolism of the ‘deep love’ not only signifies the true attitude of rationalizing Gregor still possess, but propels Gregor in the ultimate conflict he suffers within himself. Gregor’s place in not only society, but his family has therefore diminished, indicating Gregor’s dehumanization, the notion of the futilistic burden gregor is when not contributing to his family. As before, Gregor, just like the old lady with asthma in M.C.D has stopped being a ‘brother’, a ‘care-taker’ and both have turned into dependent beings.

As such, both texts masterfully elucidate such notions of awakening and confrontation, which resonate within the human condition. Bringing out the thesis into a state of human condition is always a smart thing to do.Through Guevara’s journey, he comes to the epiphany of the ultimate discovery towards his destiny, to revolutionize the injustices within the zeitgeist of capitalism. Kafka’s metaphoric vigilance towards the readers through the discovery of truth; propels change within both protagonists. Despite the somewhat differing discoveries, composers successfully shed light on the significance of discoveries, and broaden our world-views that such revelations can induce, leading us to new worlds and values, enabling us to speculate about the future.

Very very well done! I mean it! Your textual analysis is very thorough and very impressive. You've done an awesome job! The next step, as I said above, is making the discovery super evident. You've creatively used synonyms to avoid being repetitive which is awesome. However, you need to NAIL discovery.

As said above, this essay needs to say "I know this, this and this about discovery. Don't quite believe me? Well I'll show you in some texts. See this part? This links to what I said before about discovery being ****.... and this part here talks about discovery being ****..." I hope this makes sense. Your analysis is great, your coherency is there so don't fret. The overall integrity of the work will come together when you make consistent, clear links to discovery throughout. Every paragraph should be NAILING discovery

[Mizuki]

Thankyou so much Elyse, i cannot believe this site its honestly amazing haha
xxxxxx

[elysepopplewell]

Thankyou so much Elyse, i cannot believe this site its honestly amazing haha
xxxxxx

Haha, I'm seriously stoked to hear this!

[liiz]

Hey there, sorry to be annoying but I posted this about a week ago and would love if anyone could please give me some feedback It's a speech due in a couple of days - I'd really appreciate some help cutting it down and just any other advice about whether my analysis makes sense? Thankyou so much!! ATAR notes has legit been saving my life haha I'll copy it in here again

Spoiler

Discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. How accurately does this statement reflect the ideas represented in your prescribed text and ONE related text.   
               
CRITERIA:
• Formulate a question based on the HSC Advanced English Rubric
• Demonstrate an informed understand of the ideas expressed in the text
• Evaluate the text’s language, content and construction
• Organise, develop and express ideas using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
               
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.

The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.

This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda,  in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover -  “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.

The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy.  Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.

Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.

Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.

[elysepopplewell]

Hey there, sorry to be annoying but I posted this about a week ago and would love if anyone could please give me some feedback It's a speech due in a couple of days - I'd really appreciate some help cutting it down and just any other advice about whether my analysis makes sense? Thankyou so much!! ATAR notes has legit been saving my life haha I'll copy it in here again

Hi Liiz,

Please accept my apology! I know I 100% marked your work and it has completely disappeared. I've just looked through various forums! Again, I'm really sorry. I really appreciate you bringing it to my attention because I would be gutted if you let it get swept under the rug. I also really appreciate your presence on AN! It's great having you around.

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.

The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.

This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda,  in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover -  “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.

The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy.  Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.

Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.

Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.

Here is your essay with my annotations in bold:

Spoiler

Marcel Proust once said, Can you get a location or date for this quote? “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. Awesome. Truly awesome. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.  Your introduction is three sentences long. There's no rule to say this isn't OK. I always suggest that introduction's and conclusions consist of four sentences at minimum. This typically gives enough room for fleshing of ideas, introduction of the texts, and also makes sure that it doesn't look like you've just hung some sentences at the start and end when what you're really interested in is the body paragraphs.

The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. Great link between rubric and text. However, I recommend starting all body paragraphs (and ending them) with a sentence that focuses on discovery without the texts. This shows the marker that you are letting your paragraph be directed by the area of study and not by the texts.In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. Your body paragraph is awesome in terms of textual analysis. You link quote, to technique, to significance really well. Unfortunately, the link to discovery isn't clear. You only use the word "discovery" in the opening and closing line. This should be something that you consistently touch base with throughout the paragraphs.

This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda,  in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover -  “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels.Awesome analysis. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
As was the issue above, this doesn't deal with discovery in a seamless way throughout the paragraph. It is awesome that you are tying it in at the beginning and end, but it needs to be solidified in the middle to seal the deal! Again, textual analysis is awesome.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy.  Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.

Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes. Good textual linking.

Discoveries are complex and transformative. I suggest that you make your discovery statements low modality in order to show that you are suggesting something and supporting it with texts - rather than stating it like it is a fact, when in reality, discovery has a protean nature. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.

Awesome work! Your textual analysis is strong, it is definitely an asset in your essay!

The next steps for you:
-lengthening the introduction.
-making sure each paragraph clearly has the direction of discovery being explored stated at the beginning and end.
-Ensure that discovery is consistently dealt with throughout the paragraph. You could even link every single point to it, and then remove a few and join together some discovery statements to make sure you don't sound repetitive.


Again, I'm super apologetic that this took so long. It was a huge oversight and I'm thankful that you didn't stay quiet. I have no idea where my original response went. Hopefully this helps you out a little!

[liiz]

Hi Liiz,

Please accept my apology! I know I 100% marked your work and it has completely disappeared. I've just looked through various forums! Again, I'm really sorry. I really appreciate you bringing it to my attention because I would be gutted if you let it get swept under the rug. I also really appreciate your presence on AN! It's great having you around.

Hey Elyse, no worries about it! Thankyou so much for the feedback - super helpful and specific. You're the best!!

[katherine123]

Hi can you mark my essay and cut out what is unnecessary? i nearly ran out of time during the test cuz its too long

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi can you mark my essay and cut out what is unnecessary? i nearly ran out of time during the test cuz its too long

Hey Katherine! No worries at all, since you specifically need some suggestions of what to cut I'll mark this a little differently. Your essay is attached, the things in red are things you can consider as less important/less powerful than other areas, and so you may want to cut them if you need to.

Spoiler

Discoveries can arise from unexpected confrontations of obstacles through the interaction with new worlds and people. These discoveries provide individuals new experiences which challenge their assumptions and offer them renewed perceptions, values and attitudes. However, these can result positive or negative outcomes, as it may not lead to an immediate sense of happiness. Michael Gow’s play, Away, portrays three intertwined Australian families undergoing a meaningful emotional discovery of the intrinsic and restorative value of familial love through the unexpected loss of their material possessions. Similarly, Guy de Maupassant’s short story, The Necklace, depicts a woman’s confronting emotional discovery of the distortive ideals of materialism, which produce overwhelming mental distress and physical degradation, leading to change in her outlook on life. Both texts encompass the re-evaluative process of discovery which results in a renewed perspective.


Self-awareness gained from introspective discovery is often resisted due to fear and trauma, however, it can be encouraged through interaction with new worlds and others. In Away, Gow demonstrates Gwen’s change in perception through the unexpected loss of her material possessions, which triggers an emotional discovery of her own pessimistic attitude that has fractured her family relationships. Gwen’s obsession with finding security in material things stems from her traumatic experience of poverty during the Great Depression of the 1930s. This is exemplified in her hyperbolic tone, "We've got a new caravan…everything in it you could want" which highlights her distorted belief that materialistic pursuits are the key to discovering happiness. Gwen’s criticism of Tom’s socioeconomic status, is evident in her comment, “No one asked them to come out to this country…I will not have you hanging around with that kind of life”. Gwen’s use of high modality language and a spiteful tone convey that she is principally driven by fears of economic insecurity and thus imposes this prejudicial attitude onto daughter, Meg. It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, that strips away Gwen’s possessions, shattering her sense of material security and rendering her vulnerable. After she discovers Tom’s impending death, she experiences anagnorisis, and becomes aware of her abrasive manner and condescension that have allowed her to reduce relationships to mere possessions. Her moment of self-reflection is portrayed through her apologetic, humbled conversation with Jim, “I’m sorry”, and accumulated rhetorical questions "what do you think of me? You must hate me?...”. Gwen’s transformation is also captured through the stage direction which marks the reconciliation of her family, whereby Meg helps Gwen by "carr(ying) in the suitcases" and Jim "embrace(s)" Gwen. These affectionate gestures communicate the family’s cohesion and reconciliation after Gwen discovers the immateriality of love. Hence, discoveries incorporate the re-evaluation of values and attitudes which culminates in a renewed perspective of self.

   
Similarly, discoveries can uncover false perceptions, instigating a renewal of values. In The Necklace, the character of Madame Loisel mirrors Gwen’s emotional discovery as her unrealistic aspirations and crippling fear of material deprivation have trapped her in “misery”. Her dissatisfaction with her hollow life is elucidated through the use of negative diction such as “bareness”, “shabby” and “ugliness” which highlights her belief that poor living conditions are restricting her joy. Her excessive desire for wealth is exemplified in "she imagined silent antechambers….she imagined vast saloons... ". The anaphora of "she imagined" reinforces the motif of a false reality and reveals that she ironically “imagine(s)” happiness through material objects. Later, she experiences an unexpected discovery of a “superb” diamond necklace, which provides her with the façade of belonging to the upper-class aristocracy. Her instant gratification is elucidated through the emotive language "lost in ecstasy”, which reveals her shallowness as she genuinely believes the guise of wealth will bring her happiness. In The Necklace, sudden and unexpected discoveries can precipitate a false perception of self which can further hinder the discovery of true happiness.

In contrast, Gow demonstrates that discoveries can lead individuals to relinquish their values and assumptions, resulting in a fresh and renewed perception. In Away, Tom experiences a meaningful emotional discovery triggered by the premature onset of death, which enables him to accept his own mortality. Tom’s initial struggle to accept his sickness is established through his desperate attempt to protect his parents from the suffering he knows is to come, "they musn't find out", where he admits in a fatalistic tone that he "won't get better". However, through courage and psychological resilience, Tom is able to overcome his fear of death, which is epitomised through his optimistic tone “I could build myself up”, revealing his determination to discover happiness within his remaining time. Gow intertextually portrays Tom as Shakespeare’s tragic King Lear, which is reflected in Tom’s final admission that he will "unburden'd crawl towards death". Here, the use of hyperbaton places emphasis on “unburden'd", which suggests that Tom has exalted himself above all that is weighing him down. Tom is later able to realise his ability to facilitate the reunion of actors which is foreshadowed at the opening of the play, “Give me your hands…Robin shall restore amends”. Here, Gow alludes to Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream by depicting Tom as the mischievous, Puck, who helps to restore order and heal relationships. Ultimately, Tom relishes in moments of happiness despite grief as he discovers his ability to restore hope and assists others like Gwen towards reconciliation, which confirms his meaningful emotional discovery that leads to a fresh perception of himself.

Conversely, Guy De Maupassant demonstrates that discoveries enable individuals to re-evaluate their unrealistic ideals, resulting in a renewed perception of self. In The Necklace, Madame Loisel, through the loss of a precious necklace, discovers the harsh reality of her distorted views that lead her to perpetual unhappiness. The anaphora of “without” in “without strength to go to bed…without fire”, reveals the shattering of her false reality of materialism as she plunges into mental degradation. This is further elucidated through the juxtaposition of "her dainty fingers and rosy nails" and "greasy pot and pans", which indicates the dramatic outcome of hardship, causing her to metaphorically "age five years". Ultimately, she obtains a renewed perception of life as she proclaims, “Who knows? Who knows? How strange life is…!”, where her rhetorical questions reinforce the realisation that she has drowned in vanity and perpetual dissatisfaction due to her obsessive desire for wealth and status. Her eventual acceptance of her low-class lifestyle is conveyed through the truncated sentence “she would pay (the debt)”. The Necklace reveals that discoveries can lead individuals to re-evaluate their values and attitudes through the realisation of their false assumptions, which precipitate a renewed perception of the realities of life.

In conclusion, through both texts, Away and The Necklace, it is evident that an individual’s interaction with unfamiliar environments and people, can lead individuals to the renewal of perception of themselves and the world. These discoveries may differ by imbuing their life with happiness or tragedy, and thus can be either positive or negative in nature. However, all discoveries enable individuals to come to terms with their decisions and re-evaluate their outlook on life.

This cuts about 200-250 words from your essay length, bringing you to about 900 words. This could still be a bit long, but it is a start!  note also that in some places (your Thesis particularly), me removing a sentence has interrupted your train of thought, and this may require some fixing. In your Thesis, you'll need to add some detail, try listing your arguments for the following paragraphs! We just didn't need that much detail in a plot synopsis in the Thesis, focus on the conceptual stuff! 

As some general points of feedback:

• Many of the things I highlighted as potentially redundant were related to the plot of each text. Yes, you do need to explain what is happening in the text, but it should not be the focus. The focus must be on the techniques and representation, never mention anything about the text without explaining what it says about your ideas.
• Ensure that all of your techniques and textual analysis links to the idea in your paragraph. There were times when the ideas you presented with the techniques did not necessarily relate directly (or linked only weakly) to your Paragraph Topic.
• Remember that "Gwen" and other characters do not use, for example, "high modality language." This is all done by the composer, who chooses this representation of the character to create meaning.

Besides this, you have a strong conceptual thesis that is re-enforced well by your paragraph topics, and a multitude of techniques and explanations. For me, it is your analysis of those techniques that needs a little work to bump you up just that little bit more  great work!

[brontem]

When is the next time that you can gain teacher feedback? Is it after the half yearly? Or before?

Hey Elyse!! We just got our half yearly results back for our discovery paper 1 and I really just want to say thank you so much, because my discovery essay got 20/20!! Although I really did luck out with the question (It was "Discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. - Discuss" or something with that rubric line) I really wouldn't have been able to write anything to get that mark without your help!! English has been an endless struggle for me, and you've seriously really helped me.  I cried like a baby for a few minutes (let me paint you a picture - 2 classes packed into one room, me, on the floor, crying. yep.)

Sorry this is really long (and irrelevant to the AOS marking) but, I really, truly, appreciate your help in marking my essay, I seriously wouldn't have been able to do it without your help!!
Thank you so so much!!