Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry

[jz27]

Vrushank MANCHANA

Using mobile phones while driving is an exceptionally hazardous thing to do. Driving always requires a lot of focus and cell phones are a big distraction. Mobile phones should be banned when driving. It can lead to severe injuries and possibly even death, as it may also influence and create a habit for children driving in the future

Using mobile phones while driving is a huge risk as it can lead to terrifying consequences. Driving requires sheer concentration, so the phone can wait. An uncountable amount of accidents and severe tragedies have occured due to the use of cell phones while driving. It can lead to death and life long injuries. So ban the use of mobile phones while driving

Children may also get influenced or get into a habit of using phones while driving. Parents must at any cost prevent themselves from using phones while driving as children who are watching may do it in the future. The children will be at risk and it can create a steep rise in the death toll on the road. Parents must be good role models for their children to prevent them from using phones in the future

Overall, using cell phones while driving is a major risk and certainly should never happen, as it can cause severe and life long injuries and using phones while driving also influences kids to do it in the future. So stop using phones while driving to save lives.

can you please post it on Atar notes Jack?

[GalacticProcess]

Vrushank MANCHANA

Using mobile phones while driving is an exceptionally exceptionally is the wrong word to use as it means unusually. I get what the message is so maybe use extremely hazardous thing to do. Driving always requires a lot of focus and cell phones are a big distraction. Mobile phones should be banned when driving.maybe join this sentence with the next by adding an as. This will make it more free flowing. It can lead to severe injuries and possibly even death, end the sentence here and start a new one. The reason being that while reading, the end of the sentence doesn't really relate to the beginning.as it may also influence and create a habit for children driving in the futureReword the sentence to say "The use of mobile phone while driving negatively influences children and creates a poor role modelling environment for them.

Using mobile phones while driving is a huge risk as it can lead to terrifying consequences.I feel like the topic sentence could be made more stronger. Maybe "To begin with, the use of mobile phones while driving is a huge risk as it creates a dangerous environment for the driver. Driving requires sheer concentration, so the phone can wait. Idk if it's just me but the second part of the sentence sounds a little informal. An uncountable amountnumber of accidents and severe tragedies have occured occurred due to the use of cell phones while driving. It can lead to death and life long injuries. So ban the use of mobile phones while drivingI think this paragraph could end on a sentence that sums up the argument and relates back to the topic. This paragraph should probably explain more why using phones while driving is dangerous. Expand on the little points and the paragraph will flow better and sound well structured.

Children may also get influenced or get into a habit of using phones while driving. Parents must at any cost prevent themselves from using phones while driving as children who are watching may do it in the future. The children will be at risk and it can create a steep rise in the death toll on the road. Parents must be good role models for their children to prevent them from using phones in the futureAgain end with a sentence that sums up the arguments and relates back to the topic. Just like the previous paragraph, expand on the little things. Maybe explain in more detail what the negative effects of children using mobile phones while driving are. I see you have mentioned that the death toll will rise, but HOW? I know it seems self explanatory to assume that it's because of an increased number of accidents, but you need to write as if the reader is stupid lol.

Overall, using cell phones while driving is a major risk and certainly should never happenreword to "should certainly never happen..., as it can cause severe and life long injuries and using phones while driving also influences kids to do it in the future. Maybe write that as a separate sentence. ie. "Using phones while driving can cause severe and life long injuries and the act can also influence kids to do it in the future. So stop using phones while driving to save lives.Nice ending!

can you please post it on Atar notes Jack?
Overall it was a pretty good essay with solid arguments. The grammar could be improved on and so can expression. This comes with practice. Also, maybe using 'and' or 'commas' to join short sentences would be a good idea as it makes the essay nicer to read and the writing becomes more free flowing.

[jz27]

My friend wants to say that he really appreciates u correcting his essay !! VOUCH

[12345D]

Topic: Should Students Who Fail Their Classes Be Retained and Have To Repeat The Grade?

Some students aim for a high standard, whilst others may strive to accomplish to a lower standard. Regardless, students must be placed in a class where their classmates has a similar ability to the pupil. Thus, students achieving low marks must repeat grades to suit their capabilities.

Having students at various standards makes it difficult for teachers to organise work for pupils. Teachers would be forced to provide more assistance for pupils who regularly struggle with their students, leaving the top performing students without extension tasks. Consequently, high achieving students find class too easy and tedious. Hence, students obtaining low marks must be repeated.

Forcing a student struggling with their school work to repeat a grade is more suitable for the child. Having a pupil in a class with high performing students can cause pressure for this student to perform well. However, if this child does not obtain marks similar to the class, it would be strongly advised for this student to repeat a year level to ensure that one’s learning material is appropriate. Therefore, it is essential for students with low marks to repeat a year level.

It is evident that students struggling to maintain satisfactory marks to...

Then i ran out of time.

It would very much be appreciated if this was marked as soon as possible, considering the exam is this Saturday (17/06/2017). Thank you.

[GalacticProcess]

My friend wants to say that he really appreciates u correcting his essay !! VOUCH

Let him know that it was my pleasure!

[GalacticProcess]

Topic: Should Students Who Fail Their Classes Be Retained and Have To Repeat The Grade?

Some students aim for a high standard, whilst others may strive to accomplish to a lower standard. Maybe reword to "...whilst others may set their standards a lot lower. Regardless, students must be placed in a class where their classmates has have a similar ability to the pupil. Dodgy expression. Maybe write "...classmates posses matching abilities. Thus, students achieving low marks must repeat grades to suit their capabilities. I think in the introduction you really need to state the main points you will be talking about throughout the essay.

Having students at various standards makes it difficult for teachers to organise work for pupils. Teachers would be forced to provide more assistance for pupils who regularly struggle with their studentsI think you mean work?, leaving the top performing students without extension tasks.Maybe that's a little too specific. Idk if that's just my opinion though so don't take my word it. Consequently, high achieving students will find class too easy and tedious. Hence, students obtaining low marks must be repeated. It sounds like this sentence is unfinished? Maybe write "Hence, repeating a year level must be made compulsory for students achieving low marks.
 Anyway, I think you really need to elaborate on certain things that you mention. Maybe explain the consequences of intelligent students not being given enough attention.

Forcing a student struggling with their school work to repeat a grade is more suitable for the child. Maybe begin with a stronger topic sentence that really nails what the argument is going to be about. Having a pupil in a class with high performing students can cause pressure for this student to perform well. Reword? ie. "Placing pupils in a class with high performing students will cause a build up of pressure on weaker students. However, if this child does not obtain marks similar to the class, it would be strongly advised for this student to repeat a year level to ensure that one’s learning material is appropriate.You have referred to the students as a child and then as 'one'. I think you need to remain consistent throughout the sentence because it sort of sounds weird lol. Therefore, it is essential for students with low marks to repeat a year level. because...? Sum up the argument. I think you have written the same argument but in two different paragraphs. The argument is solid but I think you need to write about something that is not so similar to the first one as it reduces the number of arguments you have.

It is evident that students struggling to maintain satisfactory marks to... Oh well. The 15 minute time frame is extremely low and requires really fast thinking and writing. This will come with practice so try to write a couple more before Saturday. I am going to be at home on Thursday and Friday so feel free to post some more essays and I will try to correct them as soon as possible. Tbh this wasn't a bad piece but just a little weak in terms of arguments. Next time, try to write about things that are not so closely related but in the given time constraint, it's not easy.
 Good luck for your next piece and for Saturday!

Then i ran out of time.

It would very much be appreciated if this was marked as soon as possible, considering the exam is this Saturday (17/06/2017). Thank you.

[12345D]

Topic: Should Everyone Under The Age Of 17 Have An 8 PM Curfew?

Teenagers tend to go to parties or stay over at a friend’s house. However, it has been strongly advised that an 8 pm curfew is to be introduced into several households for children under the age of seventeen. This will most certainly prove to be effective and helpful to ensure that the child’s location is known.

The child’s safety is vital. When an 8 pm curfew is introduced, it decreases the risk of being kidnapped, as research shows that most kidnappings are committed during night time. Also allowing a child to roam around streets, alone and defenceless, is a rash, reckless decision as it leaves them completely vulnerable. Thus, children under the age of seventeen should have an 8 pm curfew placed upon them to ensure their safety.

Enforcing an 8 pm curfew on children under the age of seventeen, ensures that they cannot be a potential threat to the community. If children are permitted to walk along streets in the middle of the night, what could possibly ensure that they do not vandalise properties or commit crimes? Hence, an 8 pm curfew should be forced upon them.

It is evident that an 8 pm curfew would help prevent vandalism, as well as ensuring their safety. If further...

Then i ran out of time!

It would very much be appreciated if it was marked as soon as possible, considering that the exam is this SATURDAY!!! Anyways, it would very much be appreciated. Thank you.

[quinn_03]

hey guys, just wanted to say good luck tomorrow!! I did the exam last year so I know what it's like. it can be a bit nerve-wracking at first but try not to panic throughout the exam, and i'm sure you'll all do great! whatever happens, it's a good experience to have, and you'll learn a lot from it. good luck again!!

[pro(crastinator)]

hey guys, just wanted to say good luck tomorrow!! I did the exam last year so I know what it's like. it can be a bit nerve-wracking at first but try not to panic throughout the exam, and i'm sure you'll all do great! whatever happens, it's a good experience to have, and you'll learn a lot from it. good luck again!!

Thanks!

[12345D]

Thanks. good luck to everyone else!

[pro(crastinator)]

Topic: Should schools start later in the morning?

Schools around the world are starting the day as early as 7:30 am. This can affect students sleep and learning. Schools should start later in the day as it would help students get enough sleep and concentrate on their learning.

If students were to start school later in the day students would get more sleep. Many students are forced out of their sleep by yelling parents or screaming alarm clocks every weekday. The unreasonably early school hours are forcing kids to wake up before they have had the recommended sleep time of 8 hours. They are unable to sleep earlier because of social events, assignments, and extra-curricular activities. Kids need their sleep and schools are preventing them from getting enough sleep.

Additionally, if schools were to start later students would be able to concentrate harder on their learning. The later starting time would allow students to get a better rest in preparation for their studies. It is a well-known fact that a well-rested student equals a more focused student. Students falling asleep in class instead of paying attention is becoming even more common. This is proof that the earlier school hours are affecting students in a poor manner.

In conclusion, it is clear that schools should start later in the morning. It would allow them to have enough sleep and concentrate in school.

[jz27]

HEY GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M HYPE!!!! I'll be wearing a black cotton jacket (bcos its cold brrrrr  ) and grey pants

[jz27]

hey guys, just wanted to say good luck tomorrow!! I did the exam last year so I know what it's like. it can be a bit nerve-wracking at first but try not to panic throughout the exam, and i'm sure you'll all do great! whatever happens, it's a good experience to have, and you'll learn a lot from it. good luck again!!

THX

[H.Dinnez]

I'll be wearing black pants, a red long sleeve t-shirt and a very warm and cozy jacket!!   

[Joseph41]

Good luck, everybody - ATAR Notes is right behind you!