Warming up my essay writing for the coming year

[Akirus]

I'm a bit rusty, as I haven't done any essay writing at all this holiday (and kinda neglected English all year) and my friend gave me a topic to play with, so I whipped something up.

The topic is "Knowledge is power": if anyone else wants to write one on this topic, I would be interested to read it. Even better, do it before you read mine to eliminate bias. Comparing ideas is worthwhile.

Anyway, here's my attempt:

   Knowledge, the familiarity with facts, truths or principles is the currency of the mind and has always been a powerful commodity in human history. Education has proven of a count innumerable in many facets of society, whether be it political, social or economical ad infinitum its capacity to overturn and outweigh other factors, however massive or diverse. Regardless of the context, those with knowledge have never been thus disadvantaged; very little does the past remember a stage wherein the scholarly were not held in high regard, nor does the future forecast the coming of such a time. Indeed, it is no understatement to say that the accumulation and possession of bountiful knowledge is tantamount to success in any endeavor. However, this being said, it is not unknown for those of great wisdom to be starved and impotent in the matters of power. Just as often as we have been shown the potency of information and understanding in victory, so have we been well acquainted to entities or purposes availed nothing by it. This is evident through simple empirical observation of reality, whether it is now or three thousand years prior; it is not uncommon for the blissfully ignorant or fortunate to stand atop the well-learned and at particular times this becomes glaringly apparent. It can then thus be derived this summary: it is not the possession of knowledge but the skillful and appropriate application of such that results in the culmination of substantial power. It must also be noted, though that those deficient in intellectual merit have generally shown themselves incapable of maintaining the semblance of their supremacy. History seldom bears witness to individuals capable of blindly stumbling through life with any degree of prosperity in the highest echelons of society; this again testifies to the import of repletive knowledge.

   On no account should the power of information and superior understanding ever be dismissed or neglected. Knowledge is the essence upon which all contemplation is founded. While it cannot be said to be absolute, a wealth of knowledge in capable hands is an asset sufficient to surpass any mortal difficulty. There is no shortage of historic examples to this assertion. In the late Han Dynasty, the combined strategic victory of Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang at the famous Battle of Red Cliffs in the late Han Dynasty of China that resulted in the rout of Cao Cao’s superior army of many magnitudes is a prime example of the brilliance that can be accomplished through ingenious use of acquired knowledge. Through creating powerful pretences by means of spies intended to sabotage the enemy’s intelligence whilst concealing their own dispositions, the coalition forces attained a high ground in the affairs of strategy and subsequently an ultimate victory. It is said that “in making tactical dispositions, the highest pitch you can attain is to conceal them; conceal your dispositions, and you will be safe from the prying of the subtlest spies, from the machinations of the wisest brains”, which gleams on the importance of information control. The result of this struggle was determined not by prevailing circumstances or fortune but by the trafficking and manipulation of knowledge, a direct exemplification of the vitality of information. This is epitomized by the well-known words of Master Sun Tzu: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete.”

   Although it may be the case that knowledge is an imperative to any fruitful enterprise, it cannot be said that it is in itself an affirmation of undisputable triumph. Even in the modern era where intellect is weighted more heftily than physical prowess, this statement holds true. Whilst it is essentially certain that one will never be at a loss to be educated, it has never been a guarantee to power. This is demonstrated in all ages over the millennia. It is far from a rarity for holders of doctorates to be inadequately employed and insignificant. Similarly, in past times the wise were often poorly lived, with decrepit conditions in rural villages and in some cases such as that of the Catholic Church and Galileo they were outright prosecuted. On the other hand, it has so happened that presidencies of powerful first world democracies have been occupied by college drop-outs and massive dynasties and empires have been headed by incompetent emperors through the inheritance of lineage. This discrepancy is prevalent throughout all of recorded history and any considerations that fail to recognize this fact may be considered highly erroneous.
 
   However, it is nigh-impossible for good fortune alone to sustain one in power. This fact has also been made obvious by humanities many failings. How often is it that inept leadership leads to the collapse of the state, no matter how formerly powerful or great? Even the expansive Roman Empire was no exception; despite having power over the greater part of the known world, it advantages them nothing if there is not the proper knowledge to utilize it. “Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory” and this cannot possibly be accomplished without any formidable background of knowledge. Prudence must be paid to this point in deliberations over the effect of knowledge in the matter of power.

   If the greater picture is observed, it becomes apparent that only in the proper use of secured knowledge does it carry substantial weight. It can be likened to the ownership of a powerful weapon without the apparatus or means to operate it; if it cannot be used in any practical affair, then its potential will remain untouched. The wise understand this disparity. Not only is effort expended in the acquisition of information, but many hours are spent on the deliberation of its use ere a prolific venture is launched. The Art of War dwells not on set maneuvers but rather the variation of tactics using knowledge to adjust to the circumstance: “He who can modify his tactics in relation to his opponent and thereby succeed in winning, may be called a heaven-born captain”. This principle is highly transferrable to all aspects of being. “Knowledge is power” is inaccurate; it is in the correct augmentation of it that it becomes a lethal tool.

   Without doubt, even at a glance we can see the immediate merit of knowledge, but only in its proper usage can the full extent of its usefulness be extracted. Never in over five thousand years since the ancient civilizations of the world has this fact been altered and it is shown to us repeatedly over the years. The Art of War was written three millennia ago, but its theories that stress the dire nature of knowledge and its variable use have prevailed to this day against the test of time. Talk not then of the power of knowledge; speak instead of he who utilizes it to its full effect.

Criticize away. There are a lot of things I want to adjust, especially my implementation of quotes I feel is inadequate in particular...

I attached a .docx form if anyone would prefer to read it like that.

Oh, and the book I cite is the "Art of War", by Sun Tzu if anyone cares.

[Akirus]

I have no idea how that happened. I'm sure it's a .docx on my PC.

Let me try again.

//EDIT: Fixed it. I accidentally left out the extension. You can either download it again or just rename the file and add ".docx" to the end.


On another note, I understand what you're saying completely. This is more something I did for fun to exercise my writing ability than a practice essay for VCE. And while I agree that expressly using verbose expression may be unnecessary, at the same time I don't feel a need to reduce the level of my writing.

[Nomvalt]

how long did it take to write?

[Akirus]

If you include the time I spent thinking of ideas and referencing stuff, a few hours last night. I did it on my computer with access to books and so on.

[brightsky]

Marvellously written piece. As for some constructive criticism...

1. I agree with run-bandit's point on the hyper-flamboyancy employed in this piece. You have some good concepts, but sometimes the verbosity can hide these ideas and make your writing seem somewhat convoluted.

2. Excellent vocabulary, and word use. But again, some of your sentence structure can be a little too over-complicated. Yes, writing in prose may elicit the need for a little complexity in your writing, but some sentences are over the top and can be a pain to read. If this is just writing for leisure, then by all means a VERY laudable effort. But if this is for a VCE piece, then VCE English is about expressing and exploring ideas explicitly and clearly .

3. Yes, I agree with the inappropriate use of quotes (or for VCE English anyway). What my teacher has told me is that quotes should be amalgamated into your writing, and not stand out as a separate sentence altogether. This can reduce the fluency and continuity of your writing.

4. This is somewhat splitting hairs, but just glancing at the format of your writing, your introduction in proportion to other paragraphs is a bit too big.

5. I don't know if this is legitimate, but when I was reading through it, your writing didn't seem 100% cogent to the topic at hand. Just a personal feeling, though.

Overall, a VERY well written piece.

[Akirus]

Marvellously written piece. As for some constructive criticism...

1. I agree with run-bandit's point on the hyper-flamboyancy employed in this piece. You have some good concepts, but sometimes the verbosity can hide these ideas and make your writing seem somewhat convoluted.

2. Excellent vocabulary, and word use. But again, some of your sentence structure can be a little too over-complicated. Yes, writing in prose may elicit the need for a little complexity in your writing, but some sentences are over the top and can be a pain to read. If this is just writing for leisure, then by all means a VERY laudable effort. But if this is for a VCE piece, then VCE English is about expressing and exploring ideas explicitly and clearly .

Yeah, as mentioned, it's more for fun than VCE assessment. If possible, could you illuminate which parts in particular you had difficulty reading?

3. Yes, I agree with the inappropriate use of quotes (or for VCE English anyway). What my teacher has told me is that quotes should be amalgamated into your writing, and not stand out as a separate sentence altogether. This can reduce the fluency and continuity of your writing.

That's what I was thinking. However, I feel that some quotes, especially those that comprise more than one line fit better as a separate statement to support my contention. Can anyone advise me in this matter?

4. This is somewhat splitting hairs, but just glancing at the format of your writing, your introduction in proportion to other paragraphs is a bit too big.

Haha, yeah, I wrote this in the middle of the night and I was getting very lazy by 2-3am (and I was pretty much shut down by the time of the conclusion). If I were to redo it, I'd spend more time expanding on the body, it's just that I think you'll agree searching for extensive references in the middle of the night is an undesirable exercise.

5. I don't know if this is legitimate, but when I was reading through it, your writing didn't seem 100% cogent to the topic at hand. Just a personal feeling, though.

Could you please explain further? Your opinion is legitimate enough for me to hear.

[brightsky]

Ok, let me attempt to dissect the first paragraph of your essay just so you get what I mean (these "corrections" are by no means correct, just my two cents):

Knowledge, the familiarity with facts, truths or principles is the currency of the mind and has always been a powerful commodity in human history. Education has proven of a count innumerable Is this necessary? Using unnecessary words for the sake of sounding prose is one thing that makes the essay over-complicated and hard to read. in many facets of society, whether be it Doesn't sound grammatically correct to me. Try: ...whether it be.political, social or economical ad infinitum its capacity Another example of unnecessary convolution.to overturn and outweigh other factors, however massive or diverse. Regardless of the context, those with knowledge have never been thus disadvantaged; very little does the past remember a stage wherein the scholarly were not held in high regard, nor does the future forecast the coming of such a time. Indeed, it is no understatement to say that the accumulation and possession of bountiful knowledge is tantamount to success in any endeavor. However, this being said, it is not unknown for those of great wisdom to be starved and impotent in the matters of power. Just as often as we have been shown the potency of information and understanding in victory, so have we been well acquainted to entities or purposes availed nothing by it. This is evident through simple empirical observation of reality, whether it is now or three thousand years prior; Not appropriate here. Use a 'comma'.it is not uncommon for the blissfully ignorant or fortunate to stand atop the well-learned and at particular times this becomes glaringly apparent. It can then thus be derived this summary: it is not the possession of knowledge but the skillful and appropriate application of such that results in the culmination of substantial power. This is the first sentence that clearly states your "contention" in this piece. See footnote (1). It must also be noted, though Place a comma here. that those deficient in intellectual merit have generally shown themselves incapable of maintaining the semblance of their supremacy. History seldom bears witness to individuals capable of blindly stumbling through life with any degree of prosperity in the highest echelons of society; this again testifies to the import of repletive knowledge.

Footnote (1): Your contention should be glaringly apparent from the very start of the essay, and not after 300 words of hubbub. The longwinded nature of this introduction somewhat masks the lucidity of your actual contention and it is not until the third last sentence of your introduction that readers know your point of view. Viewing this as a VCE essay, markers do not like that. State your contention from the start, if not the very first sentence, and elaborate in your succeeding lines, in lieu of leaving the reader confused and "directionless" in the first few hundred words before bringing it all together.

Having said that though, a very good use of language, though it needs to be more controlled in that you know the line between what is good literacy, and what is simply confusing and convoluted.

[brightsky]

Answering your questions:

1. It's fine to play around with your writing but at your stage, I'll probably aim towards getting the "feel" of VCE English and what the markers expect to see and what they are impressed by just to get your English marks nailed down. Just for some examples of unnecessary convolution:

"Education has proven of a count innumerable in many facets of society..." (Can you think of a simpler way to say this?)
"...ad infinitum its capacity..."

These are some obvious ones I've picked up, but this issue has grown progressively better as the piece went on. Just remember: VCE English is about expressing complex ideas, but not necessarily using complicated language. Yes, some sophistication would bid you well, but over-complication would, by any means, not. If you can express the same concept with much more lucid language, go by that.

2. Yes, by all means, include some one sentence quotes. I know a lot of people that begin a paragraph or end one with a big quote that ties everything together. But don't use it frequently, nor use it as your only means of quoting and directly relating to the text. When writing essays such as these, the topic is very closely related to what you have explored in your text, and because of this, there is a lot of room for you to assimilate and take one or two word quotes that essentially say the same thing, just to show the markers you know your text well.

4.  See this example for instance:

"...it cannot be said that it is in itself an affirmation of undisputable triumph..."

Is "power" the same as "triumph"?

On another note, another problem that worries me a bit is your simple exploration of the topic. It doesn't "delve" deep enough. You provide sound examples, but examples are not always enough. Try repetively asking yourself, "Why?" instead of merely presenting facts and exmemplars. Do not rely too heavily on complex language and high-end vocabulary, but focus more on exploring, discussing. You never really fully answered "why does knowledge not equal power", but only gave readers examples of over history. If this was a context piece, which it seems like it, don't rely too much on the text, but focus on general discussion and putting your point of view to the matter in a complex manner (and I don't mean word use, etc.)

However, I must praise you on a specific thing.

"It can be likened to the ownership of a powerful weapon without the apparatus or means to operate it; if it cannot be used in any practical affair, then its potential will remain untouched."

VCE markers LOVE metaphors, especially if you have made it up yourself. This is ONE way of making your writing complex and demarcating yourself from the sea of mediocrity. Using devices such as these is more favourable over using complicated sentence structure and words.

[Akirus]

Ok, let me attempt to dissect the first paragraph of your essay just so you get what I mean (these "corrections" are by no means correct, just my two cents):

Knowledge, the familiarity with facts, truths or principles is the currency of the mind and has always been a powerful commodity in human history. Education has proven of a count innumerable Is this necessary? Using unnecessary words for the sake of sounding prose is one thing that makes the essay over-complicated and hard to read. in many facets of society, whether be it Doesn't sound grammatically correct to me. Try: ...whether it be.political, social or economical ad infinitum its capacity Another example of unnecessary convolution.to overturn and outweigh other factors, however massive or diverse. Regardless of the context, those with knowledge have never been thus disadvantaged; very little does the past remember a stage wherein the scholarly were not held in high regard, nor does the future forecast the coming of such a time. Indeed, it is no understatement to say that the accumulation and possession of bountiful knowledge is tantamount to success in any endeavor. However, this being said, it is not unknown for those of great wisdom to be starved and impotent in the matters of power. Just as often as we have been shown the potency of information and understanding in victory, so have we been well acquainted to entities or purposes availed nothing by it. This is evident through simple empirical observation of reality, whether it is now or three thousand years prior; Not appropriate here. Use a 'comma'.it is not uncommon for the blissfully ignorant or fortunate to stand atop the well-learned and at particular times this becomes glaringly apparent. It can then thus be derived this summary: it is not the possession of knowledge but the skillful and appropriate application of such that results in the culmination of substantial power. This is the first sentence that clearly states your "contention" in this piece. See footnote (1). It must also be noted, though Place a comma here. that those deficient in intellectual merit have generally shown themselves incapable of maintaining the semblance of their supremacy. History seldom bears witness to individuals capable of blindly stumbling through life with any degree of prosperity in the highest echelons of society; this again testifies to the import of repletive knowledge.

Footnote (1): Your contention should be glaringly apparent from the very start of the essay, and not after 300 words of hubbub. The longwinded nature of this introduction somewhat masks the lucidity of your actual contention and it is not until the third last sentence fo your introduction that readers know your point of view. Viewing this as a VCE essay, markers do not like that. State your contention from the start, if not the very first sentence, and elaborate in your succeeding lines, in lieu of leaving the reader confused and "directionless" in the first few hundred words before bringing it all together.

Having said that though, a very good use of language, though it needs to be more controlled in that you know the line between what is good literacy, and what is simply confusing and convoluted.

Before I begin, I would like to stress one more time that it is not intended as a VCE-level piece. I would prefer criticism to be geared in a more general direction rather than what examiners like to see. My actual English essays are much different from what I do for recreational purposes.

Addressing it in order:

1.  "Is this necessary? Using unnecessary words for the sake of sounding prose is one thing that makes the essay over-complicated and hard to read" - I actually feel more like I'm being forced by VCE to write in a way that is plain for the sake of simplicity. Perhaps for a younger demographic it is inappropriate, but I always figured that if the sentence structure is correct, colorful writing only makes it more enjoyable to read (provided the reader understands what is being said). I do get what you mean though. Last time I asked my friends to proof a creative piece a wrote, no one knew what I was on about. And perhaps the sentence itself could do with a little adjustment (I'll get around to it later in this post).

2. "Doesn't sound grammatically correct to me. Try: ...whether it be" - You are right, that is a mistake on my part. I got caught between two different phrasings and it ended up in a mix: I believe my intended sentence was to omit the "whether", i.e. "In many facets of society, be it...".

3. "Another example of unnecessary convolution" - really? The only way I see this part being incomprehensible is if you don't understand the word (although from what I can tell of your criticism of this part, it seems you're having trouble "deciphering" the sentence).

To clarify, let me break the sentence down: 

Education has proven of a count innumerable in many facets of society, whether be it political, social or economical ad infinitum its capacity to overturn and outweigh other factors, however massive or diverse.

You might be able to understand it better if you read the blue part only. The middle is for elaboration, but I can see how it disjoints the sentence to some degree. Maybe to make it clearer:

Education has proven of a count innumerable in many facets of society, whether be it political, social or economical ad infinitum, its capacity to overturn and outweigh other factors, however massive or diverse.

When I read sentences like these it is pretty clear to me, so I'm not really sure how I can make it any easier for you to read other than if I were to write it in a very stripped form:

"Knowledge has shown that it is often more important than other factors in many areas of society."

It's plain and boring, and I don't see how it is better to phrase it like that unless the intended demographic is incapable of reading more difficult English.

4. "Not appropriate here. Use a 'comma'." - I disagree. Using a comma drags on the sentence and it feels overly stretched out. I would either use a semi-colon or break it into two sentences entirely, i.e:

This is evident through simple empirical observation of reality. Whether it is now or three thousand years prior, it is not uncommon for the blissfully ignorant or fortunate to stand atop the well-learned and at particular times this becomes glaringly apparent.

or

This is evident through simple empirical observation of reality, whether it is now or three thousand years prior. It is not uncommon for the blissfully ignorant or fortunate to stand atop the well-learned and at particular times this becomes glaringly apparent.

5. Footnote (1) - While it's true that VCE English prefers it in that format (as teachers often stress), I don't believe it's necessary to follow the formulaic approach recommended in high school when writing for purposes outside of class. The structure of my introduction paragraph makes sense to me, at least.

[Over9000]

essay good

[Akirus]

Answering your questions:

1. It's fine to play around with your writing but at your stage, I'll probably aim towards getting the "feel" of VCE English and what the markers expect to see and what they are impressed by just to get your English marks nailed down. Just for some examples of unnecessary convolution:

"Education has proven of a count innumerable in many facets of society..." (Can you think of a simpler way to say this?)
"...ad infinitum its capacity..."

These are some obvious ones I've picked up, but this issue has grown progressively better as the piece went on. Just remember: VCE English is about expressing complex ideas, but not necessarily using complicated language. Yes, some sophistication would bid you well, but over-complication would, by any means, not. If you can express the same concept with much more lucid language, go by that.

The tendency to use complicated language probably stems from the things I read and my orientation towards creative writing. For this piece, it was more a mental exercise to get my English back in gear, as I don't have any difficulty in downplaying my writing where appropriate (such as is required of VCE English students). I intend to do both writing and philosophy after VCE (not in uni, but more as something I enjoy in my spare time), so I feel it's important that I keep my prose in good form.

2. Yes, by all means, include some one sentence quotes. I know a lot of people that begin a paragraph or end one with a big quote that ties everything together. But don't use it frequently, nor use it as your only means of quoting and directly relating to the text. When writing essays such as these, the topic is very closely related to what you have explored in your text, and because of this, there is a lot of room for you to assimilate and take one or two word quotes that essentially say the same thing, just to show the markers you know your text well.

This is along the lines of what I had in mind. It seemed completely impracticable to implement some of the quotes I used into a sentence.

4.  See this example for instance:

"...it cannot be said that it is in itself an affirmation of undisputable triumph..."

Is "power" the same as "triumph"?

On another note, another problem that worries me a bit is your simple exploration of the topic. It doesn't "delve" deep enough. You provide sound examples, but examples are not always enough. Try repetively asking yourself, "Why?" instead of merely presenting facts and exmemplars. Do not rely too heavily on complex language and high-end vocabulary, but focus more on exploring, discussing. You never really fully answered "why does knowledge not equal power", but only gave readers examples of over history. If this was a context piece, which it seems like it, don't rely too much on the text, but focus on general discussion and putting your point of view to the matter in a complex manner (and I don't mean word use, etc.)

Very true. In fact, the only paragraph I'm particularly pleased with is the first... As mentioned, I got lazy as the night progressed and evidently my paragraphs became increasingly brief. It amuses me to hear this critique as the case with my teachers is usually the opposite; I tend to leave out examples and just explore the concept (although mostly because I don't bother reading the books). If I have time, I will re-write this and expand on the body. Might do it later tonight.

However, I must praise you on a specific thing.

"It can be likened to the ownership of a powerful weapon without the apparatus or means to operate it; if it cannot be used in any practical affair, then its potential will remain untouched."

VCE markers LOVE metaphors, especially if you have made it up yourself. This is ONE way of making your writing complex and demarcating yourself from the sea of mediocrity. Using devices such as these is more favourable over using complicated sentence structure and words.

I actually had trouble managing the proportions of evidence and supportive devices against my lacking conceptual depth, i.e. I hadn't said enough to justify adding in more support.

I should also point out that the essay itself isn't based on the book in particular, I just felt like using citations from it (it's a great book, I recommend reading it).

By the way, I don't believe I've thanked you for the feedback yet. I'm grateful, analyzing my writing in this way is very helpful for me to get back on my feet, I've pretty much neglected writing for the past few years (and I maintain that English classes are a waste of time).

[brightsky]

Firstly, to address your responses in a general manner, I think you are slightly misunderstanding of what "good" writing actually is. When you say that at times, your friends don't know what you're on about, that's more often than not NOT a good sign. Yes, sometimes it can be that the vocabulary is a bit complex, but general sentence structure and WORD CHOICE is what I am on about. "Good" writing, in a general sense AND in a VCE sense, does not necessarily mean using chunky words, complex sentence patterns, complex paragraphs, etc. but to explicitly convey a given idea in the clearest manner possible. Yes you can use some fancy words to add some excitement to your writing, but don't overuse, and certainly don't adapt a "hyper-prose" style of writing. Good writing is witty, not wordy.

1. Ok, I see, but although some of the specifics are more sided towards VCE (such as structure), most apply for writing in general. "Convolution" is not just a term used by VCE examiners, but a term that describes over-complication to a degree that its not "good" writing anymore. Please treat the comments accordingly.

2. I would like to change one word. VCE writing is simple for the sake of being clear. Some complexity DOES add colour to your writing, but this type of complexity isn't achieved by using convoluted, or, as my teacher once said "thesaurus-inspired" (I mean this figuratively) language. I recommend you to work on FLUENCY, CLARITY and CONCEPTUAL EXPLORATION more than anything else. Whilst "colourful writing" may be a bonus, it ISN'T if it undermines its purpose of being colourful, and smothers the clearness of your writing and expression.

3. My comment isn't targetted on a particular word, but the sentence structure and the way you have written it that makes it longwinded. I like your second correction better, it is much more clear.

And another note, as writers, we are prone to understanding our own work, but the real test is if others understand it. And no, I'm not saying you need to "dumb down" and make it plain old boring, but when you are using complex words, make sure that it does not make the sentence sound confusing.

4. No, how you have written the sentence in your essay, a semicolon is inappropriate. Another alternative is to place the semicolon in between the words "reality" and "whether", as in your first amendment. But otherwise, putting a semicolon where you have put it in your essay is grammatically erroneous.

5. If this essay is put out of VCE context, the sentiments in Footnote (1) would be invalid.

[brightsky]

1. Ah ok, I understand. Maybe you should do a creative piece of the context section of the exam? :p And yes, the style of writing you have employed is probably best left for philosophy, or, by any means, literature, as both of these reward you for elaborate writing.

2. Drawing ideas and support material from books is always a bonus!

[Akirus]

This is why I posted it in the general English board and not the specific one for VCE English.

Personally, I do not find the structure to be incomprehensible; certainly, if you're unfamiliar with the style of writing or specific words used, but otherwise it at most needs a few minor tweaks for clarity (such as with the sentence used as an example earlier on). At a higher level than that of VCE, I do not think readers would have much issue understanding the piece, other than issues associated with lack of drafting. Most people that have trouble understanding my writing, such as the example of friends I raised earlier comes mostly from unfamiliarity with the terminology I use and the style of writing, which is not as common in modern writing (whereas it is very commonplace in older English). Of course, I concede that VCE examiners would probably not look at this writing form favorably.

This is probably where we come to a crossroads. Given my intended purpose, I do not believe the essay itself is excessively complex, at most the more tricky sentences could do with a slight rearrangement for clarity through some drafting. Especially given the context of the references I use, I believe the tone and prose is quite fitting. I understand what you mean when you emphasize "fluency, clarity and conceptual exploration", but at the same time I do not believe that complex/elaborate writing is bad (at least, outside of VCE writing). That said, I respect your difference in opinion, should that be the case.

I have also taken into consideration all of your advice for when I write next, it has been helpful. Again, I thank you.

//EDIT

I looked over the original use of the semi-colon and you are indeed correct. Only paid attention to the use of a comma (which I maintain is inappropriate there). Thanks for pointing this out, will correct it if I get around to expanding on the essay. 

[EvangelionZeta]

Colour coding:
Green - Syntax
Purple - Lexical Choice
Pink - Grammar
Red - Corrections

Knowledge, otherwise defined as the familiarity with facts, truths or principles, is the currency of the mind and has always been a powerful commodity in human history. Education has proven of a count innumerable convoluted in many facets of society, whether be it political, social or economical ad infinitum its capacity to overturn and outweigh other factors, however massive or diverse.  This doesn't seem to follow on Regardless of the context, those with knowledge have never been thus disadvantaged; very little does the past remember a stage "A disturbance in the force, I feel".  Cut the Yoda speak wherein the scholarly were not held in high regard, nor does the future forecast the coming of such a time. I quite like this one, actually Indeed, it is no understatement to say that the accumulation and possession of bountiful knowledge is tantamount to success in any endeavor. However, this being said, it is not unknown unheard of? for those of great wisdom to be starved and impotent in the matters of power. Just as often as we have been shown the potency of information and understanding in victory, so have we been well acquainted to entities or purposes availed nothing by it yucky; too convoluted again. This is evident through simple empirical observation of reality, whether it is now or three thousand years prior; it is not uncommon for the blissfully ignorant or fortunate to stand atop the well-learned and at particular times this becomes glaringly apparent. It can then thus be derived this summary: it is not the possession of knowledge but the skillful and appropriate application of such that results in the culmination of substantial power. It must also be noted, though, that those deficient in intellectual merit have generally shown themselves incapable of maintaining the semblance of their supremacy. History seldom bears witness to individuals capable of blindly stumbling through life with any degree of prosperity in the highest echelons of society; this again testifies to the import of repletive knowledge.

Philosophical and broad intro: I like it, but brighsky's comments about your sentence construction being on the slightly convoluted side are highly apposite to the reality of your writing.

   On no account should the power of information and superior understanding ever be dismissed or neglected. Knowledge is the essence upon which all contemplation is founded. Not sure why, but this sounds too much like you've just taken two random philosophical statements and placed them one after another into some sort of bizarro philosophical stew of icky philosophicalness While it cannot be said to be absolute, a wealth of knowledge in capable hands is an asset sufficient to surpass any mortal difficulty. There is no shortage of historic examples to this assertion. In the late Han Dynasty, the combined strategic victory of Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang at the famous Battle of Red Cliffs in the late Han Dynasty of China that resulted in the rout of Cao Cao’s superior army of many magnitudes is a prime example of the brilliance that can be accomplished through ingenious use of acquired knowledge. In Star Wars Episode V, the tactics utilised by the Galactic Empire in the famous battle of Hoth, where Darth Vader's forces invaded the Rebel Alliance that resulted in the Millenium Falcon taking off and flying towards an asteroid field before escaping to Bespin is a prime example of the brilliance that can be accomplished through George Lucas' imagination. Through creating powerful pretences by means of spies intended to sabotage the enemy’s intelligence whilst concealing their own dispositions, again, too convoluted the coalition forces attained a high ground in the affairs of strategy and subsequently an ultimate victory. It is said that “in making tactical dispositions, the highest pitch you can attain is to conceal them; conceal your dispositions, and you will be safe from the prying of the subtlest spies, from the machinations of the wisest brains”, which gleams on the importance of information control. The result of this struggle was determined not by prevailing circumstances or fortune but by the trafficking and manipulation of knowledge, a direct exemplification of the vitality of information. This is epitomized by the well-known words of Master Sun Tzu: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete.”

            Although it may be the case that knowledge is an imperative to any fruitful enterprise I'd do something more like "Nevertheless, in spite of knowledge's imperative role in any fruitful enterprise", personally, it cannot be said that it is in itself an affirmation of undisputable triumph. Even in the modern era where intellect is weighted more heftily than physical prowess, this statement holds true. Whilst it is essentially certain that one will never be at a loss to be educated, it has never been a guarantee to power. This is demonstrated in all ages over the millennia. It is far from a rarity for holders of doctorates to be inadequately employed and insignificant. Similarly, in past times the wise were often poorly lived, with decrepit conditions in rural villages and in some cases such as that of the Catholic Church and Galileo they were outright prosecuted and were even outright prosectued in cases such as those of the Catholic Church and Galileo. On the other hand, In contrast? it has so happened that presidencies of powerful first world democracies have been occupied by college drop-outs and massive dynasties and empires have been headed by incompetent emperors through the inheritance of lineage. This discrepancy is prevalent throughout all of recorded history and any considerations that fail to recognize this fact may be considered highly erroneous.
 
   However, it is nigh-impossible for good fortune alone to sustain one in power. This fact has also been made obvious by humanities humanity's many failings. How often is it that inept leadership leads to the collapse of the state, no matter how formerly powerful or great? Even the expansive Roman Empire was no exception; despite having power over the greater part of the known world, it advantages them nothing if there is not the proper knowledge to utilize it tsk tsk, Yoda speak. “Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory” and this cannot possibly be accomplished without any formidable background of knowledge. Prudence must be paid to this point in deliberations over the effect of knowledge in the matter of power.

   If the greater picture is observed, it becomes apparent that only in the proper use of secured knowledge does it carry substantial weight. It can be likened to the ownership of a powerful weapon without the apparatus or means to operate it; if it cannot be used in any practical affair, then its potential will remain untouched. The wise understand this disparity. Not only is effort expended in the acquisition of information, but many hours are spent on the deliberation of its use ere a prolific venture is launched. The Art of War dwells not on set maneuvers but rather the variation of tactics using knowledge to adjust to the circumstance: “He who can modify his tactics in relation to his opponent and thereby succeed in winning, may be called a heaven-born captain”. This principle is highly transferrable to all aspects of being. “Knowledge is power” is inaccurate; it is in the correct augmentation of it that it becomes a lethal tool. Love the sentence, although I'm not sure about its premise.  I think saying that "Knowledge is power is inaccurate" is a bit much if you've just argued that it is the "essence upon which all contemplation is founded"

   Without doubt, even at a glance we can see the immediate merit of knowledge, but only in its proper usage can the full extent of its usefulness be extracted. Never in over five thousand years since the ancient civilizations of the world has this fact been altered and it is shown to us repeatedly over the years. icky icky icky.  Don't use the same word twice in one sentence The Art of War was written three millennia ago, but its theories that stress the dire nature of knowledge and its variable use have prevailed to this day against the test of time. Talk not then of the power of knowledge; speak instead of he who utilizes it to its full effect. lovely

Liked it overall, but try to be a bit more natural.  The Yoda-speak was a bit jarring at times, and you could improve on the overall flow.  Reread it out aloud to yourself and see where it sounds awkward.