Arranged Marriages vs Love Marriages

[thushan]

Me personally, I prefer tamil chicks anyway so it's all good, win=win .

But I don't get how parents can force their children to "carry on" as they say, with only one single race when, they themselves, brought up their child in a multi cultural and racial society.

Do they believe that there is some merit or something?

They say that it's MUCH more compatible. But I admit my mum is quite biased because she wants someone with whom she can relate in Sinhala (her English is not great). However, I see her (and my sister's) point in that it is less risky. Whilst inter-racial relationships may work, a culture clash, especially where one or both cultures entrench contradicting beliefs and values, is quite likely and is hard to weather I imagine.

[Mr Keshy]

They say that it's MUCH more compatible. But I admit my mum is quite biased because she wants someone with whom she can relate in Sinhala (her English is not great). However, I see her (and my sister's) point in that it is less risky. Whilst inter-racial relationships may work, a culture clash, especially where one or both cultures entrench contradicting beliefs and values, is quite likely and is hard to weather I imagine.

Ahh okay, that's justified. Having good communication probably is vital for any parent.

[CaiTheHuman]

They say that it's MUCH more compatible. But I admit my mum is quite biased because she wants someone with whom she can relate in Sinhala (her English is not great). However, I see her (and my sister's) point in that it is less risky. Whilst inter-racial relationships may work, a culture clash, especially where one or both cultures entrench contradicting beliefs and values, is quite likely and is hard to weather I imagine.

My sister married a bogan, but since my culture likes alcohol to. It worked out fine.

[thushan]

Hehe 

With this girl before, how much convincing did you do before you gave up? Did it make you angry that your parents chose to go against you??

I tried to convince them for about 5-10 minutes, but my mum did not relent. Once she says no, it means no.

[sam.utute]

Do you mind me asking why you went ahead with the second relationship given the response from your parents to the first?

I'm just curious as to your reasons. Don't feel like you have to respond.

Loving the discussion.

My input:
My parents had an arranged marriage because they both couldn't be bothered "finding" someone themselves.

I'm open to the idea of both "types". I'm kind of lucky in that my parents are actually very supportive and quite progressive. At the moment, my decision for not dating is just that - my decision.
I've had some very, very long discussions with my parents about their relationship, the relationships of family members, their views on everything.

This is a potential middle ground Thush:

Let your parents know what you are looking for in a partner - be specific. If you let them know what you want, worst case scenario, forced marriage, but you end up with someone with qualities that you were after. We know your parents won't force you to marry someone, so that's out of the question.
But think of some of the more positive outcomes:
- Your parents introduce you to someone who you can genuinely connect with.
- You find someone that possesses the qualities that you are after, and you let your parents know about them.

I'm at a point were I'm very comfortable with the ideas around marriage, my parents roles, and how I envisage it taking place. Open, frank and honest discussions with your parents are necessary. You mentioned that your mum would prefer someone that speaks Sinhala. That's clearly a big factor for her. But it's up to YOU to decide how much of a factor it will be for you.

Bit of a messy response, sorry 'bout that.

[WINGARDIUM]

I reckon its because arranged marriages are seen as a thing of the past, and erroneously people may think that things of the past are bad - hence the reason why words such as 'old-fashioned' and 'backwards' are used pejoratively. Hence, by association, in a by and large progressive society, arranged marriages would themselves be negatively viewed and there would be a bias against them, but they may actually have some merit.

I agree to an extent, arranged marriages have somehow been linked to cast-ism/the dowry system and I guess they do hold some merit. It's just another way to find a potential mate, and there are equivalents in other societies (eg, dating websites etc). I would assume the bias is due to the system being "backward" but I believe that there is another underlying issue as to why arranged marriage are seen as unnecessary: Would you agree that teens/young adults of today expect a greater sense of freedom and independency than in our parents/grandparents time? If so then couldn't this be a contributing factor for the increase in love marriages?

Kesh - I don't think that's a good attitude. It shouldn't be shameful - past relationships are just that, past relationships. Your motive in those relationships then would have been commitment, but things may have gone awry between you two (in your past relationships) which would have necessitated a breakup. Nor should you judge people who have been on past relationships because they may themselves have been committed.

I myself have been in two quasi-relationships that lasted less than a week; both times my parents stepped in and broke us up. Whilst I was really upset both times, I take it in good faith that I will be thankful that they did that when the time comes.

I'm really sorry about your situation, it must have been very difficult for you. I think it is honourable that you would be open to other girls about your "history". Your dedication to your parents is admirable. However, I would deem your 'commitment' to be questionable (I mean this in the nicest way possible)

[thushan]

Point taken Wingardium. I have made the mistake of progressing through these "quasi-relationships" without ensuring the coast is clear with my parents. On the second occasion, both the girl and I agreed that if either of our parents were not happy about it that we end it, because we both understood our limitations. I don't want to hurt anyone again...hence the reason why I'm going to take the arranged marriage pathway. This way my parents will be okay with it. I would consider myself committed, but I would always take my parents' advice first.

However, I'd be aware that I'd need to prove my commitment.

[MJRomeo81]

What lies behind arranged marriages looks suspiciously like an entire social system that has its roots in the subjugation of women. Arranged marriages are considered acceptable because, on the face of it, consent is part of the deal. But when parents or other family members apply emotional pressure to protect family honour, is consent still part of the deal?

''We've found you a nice boy – don't forget the family's honour is at stake''.

''Your mother will die of shame if you turn this boy down – you know she has a weak heart.''


In Hinduism and Asian communities the system of arranged marriage originated mainly as the tool of the upper caste people to protect their community and to maintain their social status. These people wanted their children to marry someone from the same caste and the same social background. Therefore arranged marriages have certain ill effects on the society as they are biased over a particular religion, caste and/or a race. It is not wise when parents are over protective and control their children's wishes and desires in choosing their partner.

[thushan]

What lies behind arranged marriages looks suspiciously like an entire social system that has its roots in the subjugation of women. Arranged marriages are considered acceptable because, on the face of it, consent is part of the deal. But when parents or other family members apply emotional pressure to protect family honour, is consent still part of the deal?

''We've found you a nice boy – don't forget the family's honour is at stake''.

''Your mother will die of shame if you turn this boy down – you know she has a weak heart.''

I swear I read that before...!

It is not wise when parents are over protective and control their children's wishes and desires in choosing their partner.

Unless the children don't know better and are misguided and blinded. Like myself.

Do you mind me asking why you went ahead with the second relationship given the response from your parents to the first?

Thought my parents would be OK with it this time because the girl was Sinhala this time (last time she wasn't Sinhala). My mistake :/

Let your parents know what you are looking for in a partner - be specific. If you let them know what you want, worst case scenario, forced marriage, but you end up with someone with qualities that you were after. We know your parents won't force you to marry someone, so that's out of the question.
But think of some of the more positive outcomes:
- Your parents introduce you to someone who you can genuinely connect with.
- You find someone that possesses the qualities that you are after, and you let your parents know about them.

Yup. I had done that - they know me very well.

[Dejan]

Love Marriage all the way as you can choose who you want to marry not been selected a girl that your parents think you fall in love with enough to marry. All that time spent with the girl that your parents selected in which didn't end to well could of been spent in searching for other potential females that could be your wife!

[pi]

Thought my parents would be OK with it this time because the girl was Sinhala this time (last time she wasn't Sinhala). My mistake :/

It's not your mistake.

[WINGARDIUM]

What lies behind arranged marriages looks suspiciously like an entire social system that has its roots in the subjugation of women. Arranged marriages are considered acceptable because, on the face of it, consent is part of the deal. But when parents or other family members apply emotional pressure to protect family honour, is consent still part of the deal?

''We've found you a nice boy – don't forget the family's honour is at stake''.

''Your mother will die of shame if you turn this boy down – you know she has a weak heart.''


In Hinduism and Asian communities the system of arranged marriage originated mainly as the tool of the upper caste people to protect their community and to maintain their social status. These people wanted their children to marry someone from the same caste and the same social background. Therefore arranged marriages have certain ill effects on the society as they are biased over a particular religion, caste and/or a race. It is not wise when parents are over protective and control their children's wishes and desires in choosing their partner.

I beg to differ. It's no longer the subjugation of women - yes, it was once true that arranged marriages were designed to keep the blood within a caste/a means of obtaining money (through the dowry system introduced by the british in colonial india). I would hope that this does not hold true today.

As for the emotional pressure that is far too subjective for me to comment on. Both asian men and women >25 feel pressured to get married for various reasons. How the individual would react to this pressure is in their own hands.

I'd also like to point out that most families are open to love marriages as long as they are "within reason".

[paulsterio]

I know a Sinhalese guy dating a Tamil girl, I wonder how that's gonna turn out

But seriously though, all this reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, if two people like eachother, does it really matter what family they're from, what nationality they are or what culture they follow? Not to mention even more ridiculous things like religion. The truth is, just because someone's of a different "type" to us doesn't mean that we're not compatible because at the end of the day, we're all human, we all (more or less) have similar values, being raised in Australia and having been educated here.

I'm not against arranged marriages, I think they're fine, but I am against parents rejecting their child marrying another person due to cultural differences. If they have a legitimate reason, that would be fine, but in my eyes, culture, nationality, religion and all those things aren't good enough, as they usually say - love and friendship are the only qualities which can transcend all boundaries.

As for the emotional pressure that is far too subjective for me to comment on. Both asian men and women >25 feel pressured to get married for various reasons. How the individual would react to this pressure is in their own hands.

I'm curious as to why you say Asian men and women in particular, does this pressure not exist with non-Asian people?

Btw, LOL, so I have this deal going with a friend and I think it's pretty smart (and funny at the same time as well), but pretty much, we've agreed that if we're still both single by the time we're 30 and if we haven't really found anyone we're interested in then we'll just get married (it's in writing as well ). I guess that kinda foul-proofs my life then, umm, unless she gets married and I don't then I'm screwed, but ahh, who cares.

[nisha]

In the end, we all have our own preferences, some people feel strongly for or against. Thush, you are a person who will listen to your parents, I am the opposite, especially to this subject of matter. It's who you are.

In the end, we all have to deal with our own decisions and live with them.

[paulsterio]

But yeah, I don't want to have "ex's" and all that so I'm going to be extremely patient.

Can you imagine a non-curry girl at a curry get together. 

There's nothing wrong with having ex's, like in all seriousness, you're much better off following your heart, like don't force yourself to be patient, in a way, I think you need to take advantage of your opportunities, because if you're going to be patient, you're just going to end up going "nah, not her, I'll wait", "oh she's not bad, but I'll wait", "oh hey, damnn she's fine, but nah, I'll wait", "yeah, I wouldn't mind going out with her, but nah, I'll give it time"...etc. and before you know it, you're probably a little too old for all of it

Btw, LOL! Non-curry at curry gatherings, I don't know why, but I feel a sense of Deja-Vu.

In the end, we all have our own preferences, some people feel strongly for or against. Thush, you are a person who will listen to your parents, I am the opposite, especially to this subject of matter. It's who you are.

In the end, we all have to deal with our own decisions and live with them.

I agree, just because you listen to your parents doesn't mean that your life will be well and dandy (btw, why do we associate "dandy" with good - like...why not Toorak or Brighton, why Dandy?). In fact, there's a risk that you might regret it later on when you say that "if only I listened to my heart" - but yeah, we just have to make decisions and no matter what we do, there's always a chance of regret.