Free AOS essay Marking!

[tahmina]

hi guys where can i post my legal essay ? i can't find the discussion

[conic curve]

Here it is: Free Legal Essay Marking!

[jamonwindeyer]

thank youuu ! I've actually learnt a lot about structure through you! so thank you !

So happy to hear that!! 

[lha]

This is my AOS essay for motorcycle diaries. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible.

Thank you!

[jordankoorey]

Hi Elyse

Do you look at transitions? this is for standard

thanks

[jamonwindeyer]

This is my AOS essay for motorcycle diaries. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible.

Thank you!

Hey Iha! I definitely can, it's attached below with comments in bold! 

Spoiler

The process of discovery, whether intentional or coincidental, can help demystify the inexplicable by giving access to previously unexplored realms. This access is given to an individual through the acknowledgment of perceptions not considered formerly; “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore” (Andre Gide), ultimately reaffirming existing ideas or creating new ideas about an individuals surrounding world. Nice Thesis! Simple in premise, but expressed clearly and leaves room for lots of different interpretations of your texts. Throughout The Motorcycle Diaries, a memoir written by Ernesto Guevara, a planned journey enables major intended cultural and intellectual discoveries as well as emotional discoveries that were not originally sought, creating new approaches to Guevara’s surroundings. In addition, Brian Percival’s film, The Book Thief, and Guy de Maupassant’s short story, A Dead Woman’s Secret, both express the impact of deliberate intellectual, emotional and physical discoveries made by the protagonist, and the unexplored realms they lead to. I'd like to see a proper conclusion to this introduction: "Thus, it becomes clear to audiences how discoveries ________," or similar.

Guevara’s depiction of previously mystified domains in The Motorcycle Diaries is a literal one, in that the protagonists journey across South America physically deconstructs the unknown cultures and peoples of the unknown regions, allowing the character, and hence the audience, to grow. I love this sentence not as an opening, but as an amplification. Before this, try to come with a concept that this paragraph will focus on. For example, cultural discoveries and their effect on the individual, or something. Make your first sentence conceptual if you can. In particular, Guevara has used the stylistic feature of memoir writing, vignettes, to convey his journey across South America. As foreshadowed in the first vignette, Guevara’s “wondering around “our America with a capital A””, “changed [him] more than [he] thought”, allowing the responder to consider the unexpected discoveries he has made that have led to such a transformation, as well as the resultant shift in his perceptions on the world. When considering the responder, think BIGGER than just the text, what does the responder learn/consider about the concept of cultural discovery as a whole? Guevara’s hesitation in The Motorcycle Diaries is observed through the “jarring rhythm hammer[ing] at the fortress within [him]”. The strong evocative language of the “jarring rhythm” symbolizes Guevara’s innate intention to discover, with “hammers at the fortress within [him]”, representing the sea pushing Guevara to make a decision as the “fortress” metaphorically protects him from the unknown. What consequence does this have for the audiences understanding of cultural discovery? Furthermore, his use of foreshadowing in conjunction with the personification of the “different sea voice”, supported by the “stronger gust of wind”, conveys the fluctuations in the weather, evoking the reader’s curiosity to speculate the upcoming events. Ensure that each paragraph has a proper conclusion. "Thus, we see _______."

In addition, this memoir demonstrates the capability and effect of demystifying unexplored realms through an ethnographical journey, on spiritual aspects of an individual’s life. Guevara’s journey delineates the enabling of many spiritual discoveries including his relationship with the surrounding nature. For instance, the new environment which he had entered was “as if it were a magic carpet...the whole city rising to meet [them]”, an allusion to an Arabian night through the use of a simile, explaining his unfamiliarity to the situation and outlining the cultural difference of his origins and the places he is discovering. In like manner, the simile in which he uses personification to compare “the winds cold[ness] and the smothering, leaden sky” to his “mood”, implies his spiritual connection to the previously unexplored place which has helped him demystify and acknowledge his emotions. Fantastic use of techniques to analyse the text. You need to take it a step further though and link to the audience! Moreover, the previously unexplored leper colony that Guevara is lead to by his river journey, demystifies his perception of the lifestyles of ill people, using imagery to describe the lepers as they live “in typical jungle huts, doing whatever they choose, looking after themselves”. Guevara essentially alludes the power that discovery has on the demystification of the inexplicable upon having access to previously unexplored realms. Fantastic use of techniques and examples so far, and this paragraph has a stronger conceptual drive, but I'm missing the audience links. WHY is this text worth discussing? What does the responder learn about Discovery?

Similarly, Brian Percival has exhibited the demystification of the previously inexplicable and the exploration of the new worlds that it results in, in his film, The Book Thief, through the main protagonist Liesel. Liesel’s desire to discover unexplored realms in order to demystify previous conceptions she had, elicits her reading every night with Hans. Be careful to avoid plot retells like this: They are actually unnecessary to your analysis! And if they are necessary, then you are relying too much on plot and not enough on representational choices. That is: Focus on techniques! The utilization of a close up shot of Hans’ humorous expression to Liesel while he reminds her to “promise they’ll bury [him] right” and to not “skip chapter six”, portrays the demystification and new knowledge obtained after exploring previously unacknowledged realms. The rhetoric “so you like books?” is also used by Percival to catalyse the audience’s realisation of Liesel’s impending discovery and the unexplored realm it leads to. Slipping into textual retell here; you need to try and develop the argument that the audience learns something new about Discovery on the whole, not just within the text! This is accompanied by the soft non-diegetic violin note playing in the background, foreshadowing the future discovery of the protagonist while creating curiosity amongst the audience. The director’s use of a mid-close-up shot of Liesel’s shocked facial expression illustrates the mesmerizing effect that the demystification of a previously unexplored domain has on an individual. Linking this idea to the audience would have yielded the perfect chain: The COMPOSER uses a TECHNIQUE in the TEXT(Quote) to communicate an IDEA to the AUDIENCE. That is the flow! Following this, a panning shot depicts the scene and objectifies the limitless unexplored realms available to demystify any inexplicable perceptions a person may acquire, with the book-stacked shelves. Furthermore, through the dialogue introducing two primary characters, “Call me Elsa, what should I call you?”, “Liesel”, Percival has utilised a side-view mid shot of Elsa and Liesel to denote the effect that a physical discovery of a formerly unexplored realm has on understanding the inexplicable. Remember to conclude your paragraphs!

Correspondingly, A Dead Woman’s Secret by Guy de Maupassant, is a short story presenting the demystifying outcomes of searching through commonly unexplored areas of an individual’s life. The foreshadowing imagery in “the drawer” where “they took about ten little packages of yellow paper, tied with care and arranged one beside the other” attests to the reader the new understandings about to be made through the discovery of a previously unexplored domain. The mother “whom [the family] never knew” is about to be metaphorically explored, leaving “all her tender memories” vulnerable to the process of discovery which will demystify the inexplicable for the characters. See how you are slipping into retelling the plot, just a tad? Be careful with that, take a step back from the text and just focus on the choices made by the composer. Upon the coincidental discovery of the previously unexplored letters, the mother’s affair was demystified, consequently affecting the husband as he “looked unmoved at the dead woman”. As above, and the retell is all the more obvious without a technique. Maupassant has conveyed the effect of having access to previously unexplored domains  on the demystification of an individual’s inexplicable perception of another. This paragraph definitely lacks the depth of the others; are you sure you want to include it? Ensure there is a balance between every text you discuss.

In conclusion, Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries successfully portrays the demystification of unique cultures and people and the wide array of discoveries achieved due to it, through Guevara’s journey across South America. Likewise, Percival and Maupassant have also conveyed this through The Book Thief and A Dead Woman’s Secret, respectively, to explain that by having access to previously mystified fields, new perceptions of individuals, places and formerly unexplored issues, can either be reiterated or further advance into a new opinion. I'd like to see some more conceptual statements in this introduction. Take the focus to the concept, EG - "The notion of cultural discovery ________ blah blah. Clearly, this is seen in _______." Concept first, text second, try this in your conclusion!

Another great essay Iha! The structure to this one is very clear and makes perfect sense, you've established the topic of each reasonably well. Nice use of techniques in most places too, so well done there.

I think the big recommendation I'd make here before your Trials on Monday is linking the audience. In the essay I mention the flow of effective analysis:

COMPOSER uses TECHNIQUE in TEXT to represent an IDEA and communicate it appropriately to the AUDIENCE....

Right now you are doing the first 4, and the last is being done too. However, you are linking to what the audience learns about the text or its characters due to the use of techniques. Instead, try to take a step back: What does the responder learn about discovery on the whole?? 

Have a read of my suggestions throughout the response (a few minor structural changes, some more clarity in concept in certain paragraphs, etc), but this integration of the audience is I think the most important bit  this is where I'd be devoting work in the coming days for your AoS essay. Remember to work on everything equally though to bring everything as high as possible  Great work again Iha, another great essay! 

[jordankoorey]

Can you read mine please?

[jamonwindeyer]

Can you read mine please?

Hey Jordan! We recently ran a set of free lectures for the HSC Trials, Elyse and I have a backlog of marking as a result. We're slowly catching up, but it might be a little while until we reach you. I'm aiming to be caught up by Monday morning so hopefully no later than that! 

[tahmina]

helloooo ! this will be the last time ill be posting this, but would you be able to see if this is any better then the previous please !   

[ehatton2016]

Hey, this is my discovery essay!! Just need a second opinion, my teacher gives very vague comments, like "expand", "too vague" or "be more concise in this section" (referring to the entire 1st paragraph).

THANK YOU!!

Also, I am doing the English Adv. course - not sure if that means the essay is different though.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey all! I'm doing a big marking spree tonight with the aim of finally removing the backlog and getting essay marking back on schedule! That said, all the essays in this thread have been posted in the last 24 hours, so please don't worry if you see me marking on the other threads and not here, I shall be here as soon as possible 

Also, I am doing the English Adv. course - not sure if that means the essay is different though.

The AoS is marked exactly the same for Standard and Advanced. On average, Advanced students will perform better in the AoS than Standard students, but the marking is identical so no dramas 

[RuiAce]

On average, Advanced students will perform better in the AoS than Standard students, but the marking is identical so no dramas 

One comment.

Overall, the trend is that Advanced perform better than Standard because usually the more capable kids don't do Standard. However interestingly, for Paper 1 Section 1 (unseen text analysis) there is a slight trend that Standard perform better than Advanced. This is due to the fact that sometimes Advanced go overboard and derail from the question whereas Standard have plenty of skills needed as is to answer the question and grab the marks.

[jamonwindeyer]

One comment.

Overall, the trend is that Advanced perform better than Standard because usually the more capable kids don't do Standard. However interestingly, for Paper 1 Section 1 (unseen text analysis) there is a slight trend that Standard perform better than Advanced. This is due to the fact that sometimes Advanced go overboard and derail from the question whereas Standard have plenty of skills needed as is to answer the question and grab the marks.

Ohhhh I didn't know this!! I did know that the mark difference is most pronounced in Section 3 (and not as apparent in Section 2 because the creative writing is a totally different ball game*). Very interesting indeed!! 

* it so happens that I knew someone who did Standard that was an absolute gun in the creative section, put most of my Advanced cohort to shame 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi Elyse

Do you look at transitions? this is for standard

thanks

Hey Jordan!! Thanks for posting your speech! Now this isn't an essay, so I'm not going to do comments throughout like normal since your piece will be more free flow, and there is less for me to critique. Instead, some isolated comments between paragraphs and then comments below!

Spoiler

Good morning Ms Raheb and class. Today I have created my visual representation digitally, by using Photoshop. My three central themes that I have included within my portrait includes guilt, alienation and change.
Before I begin, I would like to explain what transitioning is and how it had formed my portrait. The nature of transitions is widely illustrated through the story of Tom Brennan. The novel by JC Burke details the tragic consequences caused by his older brother Daniel which subsequently altered the lives of the Brennan family. The catalyst to their change was Daniels DUI charges which led to several deaths and his cousin becoming a paraplegic. The family is forced to make a significant transition which had severely affected the way they live, interact with one another and changing their inner self. The family was confronted with challenging hurdles. For example, mum no longing making dinner and the Brennans having to leave their home town because of the public anger. The depth of their transition is reflected in a statement made by Tom: “it was deeper than the darkest hole. It had no beginning and no end.
I think you have hit all the marks I'd expect to see in the start of a speech here, except an over-arching Thesis!! To explain, look at the image you composed and tell me in one sentence: What are you trying to say? Chances are that sentence will make a mean Thesis, it is the main concept of your visual and speech! Beyond this, I think you should reorganise. Introduce yourself and the visual, then give your Thesis, then list the themes to be discussed.

As you can see on the image, the most salient image is the women’s two faces. Each symbolic for a particular reason. The backdrop is blue and yellow, with a Celtic symbol above, the NSW coat of arms behind the lady, some of the graffiti which was on the Brennasn house a crashed car. I will explain these in further detail when I discuss my themes.
In a speech, if you have to say something like "but I'll discuss this later," then chances are you didn't need to bring that thing up yet. Consider the ordering of your ideas carefully.

A key theme that is highly prevalent is guilt.
As a result of Daniels action, the family is holding the moral guilt and strain which is the most destructive emotions that the family have to deal with. It most importantly impacts the parents, especially the mother who has struggle to cope with the consequences of what their son has done. This theme is essential by communicating the depth and of this confronting transition and enables the audience to empathise with the characters as they undergo strive. I have chosen a split face to illustrate how the mother has transitioned overtime throughout the book. As you can see, her left face appears a lot older than her left. I based this on Toms quote: as he says one of the worst things was watching them, seeing the hurt and shame and fear in their faces. The way they’d aged in two weeks”. This quote provides the audience with a clear indication of how the parents, especially mum, are struggling to deal with their parental irresponsibility. As a result of the mothers enormous guilt which is evident within this metaphor: Mums bent head revealed grey roots bleeding into her dark hair. Although this is not meant to be taken literally but I have used the grey hair on the picture to illustrate how this transition is causing herself strife and guilt. Furthermore, the illustrations behind the mother indicate her inability to overcome and remain resilient.
You are justifying your decisions on the visual really well, and explaining the concepts well. I'd say to tidy up expression a bit, but this is a speech, so colloquialism is actually probably a good thing. Very different to what is required in an essay. I would say to be really explicit with your concepts, very definite, use powerful words to make the concepts powerful. Concepts = Most Important.

In the background, you can see a car that has crashed and the NSW coat of arms representing the legal system. This pictures indicates how she is unable to cope with her life because they are still present within her mind. I have reduced the opacity on the car to approximately 45% to represent this image as a memory item. By communicating the concept of guilt, the audience grasps a better understanding of the mothers transformation thus illustrating her inability to cope with change. “But that was the thing, it was like she had done something wrong. Like we all had”. This quote further illustrates how the mother is selfishly accepting the guilt on behalf of the family thus growing old because of her depressiveness.

Alienation is another theme to illustrate the effects of the Brenan’s transition through the anguish of social exclusion and isolation. Everyone within the family faces some sort of Alimentation. This theme is centred around the quote “the whole family find themselves marginalised and castigated for the actions of one”.  The whole family find themselves marginalised and castigated for the actions of one. I have used text as a motif for the words “No Justice” which remains in the background layer as it serves as a reminder to the Brenan’s, a memory stained in their minds for ever. I'd like to see you reference the techniques used by the composer of your prescribed text! That way, you can try to set up a comparison: They used this technique to portray this concept, but instead, I use this technique!

Alienation is prevalent with all characters but the mother is facing the full brunt of it. This is evident when Tom says “as I passed the oldies room I caught a glimpse of Mums hair spread-out on a pillow. The rest of her was a lump under the sheet”. Thereby highlighting that transitions can be challenging and confronting. The only barriers which is preventing her from transforming away from this transition is herself. Through the communication of this theme and my illustration based on her stress and strain and the “no justice” graphited in the backdrop, thereby illustrates the effects of her transition.

The theme of change plays an important role within transitioning and and illustrating the characters ability to overcome obstacles thus having an effect on others. The theme is present within all characters. Tom experiences a positive change on page 247 where he says “it makes me feel so bad when I think of him. Multiply that by 10,000 and that’s what its like when yo are actually there with him”. This quote demonstrates Toms ability to open up and express himself to his girlfriend. Whilst his mother is described as “I walked out of the bathoom, and there was mum - showered, hair washed and dressed”. From being stranded in bed all day to begin grooming and taking care of yourself is a key indicator of her new phase of life. I'd like to see you set up the concept a little more, go into a bit more depth. Be as philosophical and detailed as you can, really come up with something super clever. Instead of just saying "change is an important part of transitions," say, "Change is a fundamental aspect of human existence, and thus spurs vital transitions for individuals." In both scope and expression, develop your ideas further!

I have incorporated various techniques within my art works to illustrate the theme of change. Firstly, as you can see on the left, the colour yellow is slowly covering the portrait. The yellow is symbolic for optimism and hope. These colours directly relate to the mother and her family and is a direct contrast to the colour blue, representing her depression which no longer exists. Furhtermore, as you have noticed her face is significantly younger on the left, thus illustrating the positive effect of this change as she returns to her normal self. Whilst the emerging yellow represents optism, representing her new phase of life, you can see a Celtic symbol above in the right hand corner of the portrait. This is called the The Triskelion. I have used this because it conveys progression. Progression is key to change which is illustrated through Mum as she subsequently overcomes her alienated self to a more resilient and “normal” mother.
Transitions into a new experience can be a difficult process with many obstacles to overcome. This area is cleverly communicated throughout The Story of Tom Brennan. The themes of guilt, alienation and change compile to illustrate the character’s transformation process. Furthermore, my portrait provides an insight into this change. The use of contrasting from her old self to her new self illustrates her positive transformation where one side represents the depression and guilt, whilst the other side represents progression and resilience.

I think this speech works well! I did something similar in my preliminary year. I'll be honest, it is very different to an essay, and so my feedback on it is very broad. It is totally dependent on the criteria of the speech. For example, you don't have many techniques from your prescribed text, is this required? You may need some more. Of course, your speech is also something you'll deliver, and marks will come from that alone.

All that said, one thing I definitely think you should add to your speech is the visual techniques you've used in the image. A demand, colour, vectors, etc., anything you've done to portray a concept!! So instead of saying "I added this to show this," say, "I used this technique to show this (and possibly explain how and why). This will add an extra layer of sophistication 

I hope my little comments offer at least a little assistance!! Keep playing with your expression to really hammer home your concepts, add some visual techniques, and be sure to practice the speech!! It's all in the delivery 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi Guys, this is my first try here on ATAR notes and would love some feedback in regards to my area of study essay. I really need this marked as my teacher is not responding to my questions. The question is the first statement of the rubric:
Discovery can encompass the experience of finding something new or rediscovering something lost forgotten or concealed. Thank you so much.

Hey there CinnamonTea!! Thanks for posting your essay! It's attached in the spoiler below with comments throughout in bold, I really hope it helps!! 

Spoiler

Discovery can encompass the experience of finding something new or rediscovering something lost forgotten or concealed.

A discovery is a multi faceted notion that can entail the tangible and the metaphorical. This notion can be the experience of new findings of can be derived from rediscovery of something lost, forgotten or concealed. The non-fiction text "A short History of Nearly everything" (ashone) by Bill Bryson and Colin thompsons picture book "violin man" elucidate this notion. Each text divulges into the physical, intellectual and emotional dimensions which has led to new, deeper and enhanced discoveries. I like this introduction!! Short and sweet, hits the marks it needs to, I'd like to see a list of the themes to be discussed in the essay though! Besides that, not much to say, simple but works well!

Bryson's ASHONE accentuates the enlightening growth and awareness entailed by new discoveries through Isaac Newton. The use of accumulation 'brilliant beyond measure, solitary, and prickly to the point of paranoia' encapsulates Newtons personality that is omitted from society's awareness. This concealed fact itself is a discovery for the responders, broadening the knowledge and insight into the scientist's life, integral for appreciation. Good! But how does this relate to "enlightening growth and awareness?" Newtons discovery of calculus, 'an entirely new form' elucidates the enriching contribution of Newton to the progress in both the worlds and his own intellectual odyssey. Technique here? Bryson uses blunt statement 'told no one about it for 27 years' exemplifies Newtons drive to discover was not fuelled by a need for recognition and power. Slight expression issue there. Instead, responders understand that the value of experiencing new things lied in the growth, the sense of accomplishment and self worth gained through the discovery. Hence, Bryson accentuates the meaning of new discovery and their rewarding nature to individuals. Analysis in this paragraph is good, but I'm not feeling the concept is sustained. Your conclusion and intro sentences, for example, don't quite sync up as nicely as possible. Ensure that your concept is sustained the whole way through the paragraph!

Similarly, violin man (VM) descends into the protagonist's, Oscar, intrinsic fire to experience new discoveries, through the use of red boat. The first sentence in your paragraph should be conceptual; try to keep it as far away from text specifics as possible. "This concept is shown in the text," is as far as you go. The boat serves as a motif for the enduring journey that Oscar undertook to rediscover his identity and values that have been lost through his emotional demise. This is symbolic through the large sized castle juxtaposed to Oscars small home. Like Newton, Oscar does not endorse in society's need for power and fame, instead is driven by his cathartic need. The use of yellow, corresponds to his rediscovery of his purpose and values in life, and symbolises the mental clarity, strength and euphoria gained. Good analysis, but try to bring the audience into your response a little bit! What do WE learn about discovery. Both newton and Oscar share a physical affiliation, where  they are driven by an innate need, however each journey is distinct in their purposes, where Newton seeks intellectual discovery whilst Oscar yearns for the rediscovery of his values and purpose in life.  Make sure your paragraphs are concluded properly. "Thus, the audience realises ________," or, "Thus, the composer shows us ________," are some ideas.

Moreover, Charles Darwin in ASHONE serves as an epitome of mankind as his experience of discovering new worlds  and knowledge is hindered by society. Through dialogue 'you are a disgrace to yourself and to your family' induces pathos for Darwin for he is subjected to scrutiny and criticism for his new and profound discovery of a theory. The responders gain insight that though discoveries can be liberating and rewarding, they can be negative. I love that you are frequently tying in the responder; this particularly was great analysis! Oscar in 'VM' juxtaposes to Darwin where Thompson, uses the colour Crimson to elucidate the intrinsic fuel present in individuals. The Crimson symbolises Oscars endurance and passion to explore and examine his discovery, lacking in Darwin. Unfortunately, unlike Oscar, Darwin is forced to 'lock away his notes for the next forty years'. The high modality word "lock" encapsulates  Darwins deprivation of his discovery, obstructing renewed and enriched insights of himself to prosper. The responders realise that Darwins return to his notes will be a rediscovery of concealed knowledge but would not hold the same significance as to his first experiences. Therefore, based on societal acceptance of ones discovery for the first time, an individual can be suppressed from experiencing the bounties that come with discovery. Effective paragraph!

At times, an individual's attitude and choices will determine and impact ones experience of new discoveries accentuated through Albert Einstein in "ASHONE". Slight expression issue there. I'd split that sentence in two! Set up the concept first, and THEN link to a text, this ensures a conceptual focus. This is metaphorically highlighted through Einsteins experience of having a 'child out of wedlock'. The responders are induced with shock at this new knowledge, as it deconstructs the assumptions that scientists are emotionally devoid. Again, good ties to the responder, but how does this specifically relates to individual attitudes and choices? Bryson uses truncated sentence 'never saw his child' to elucidate Einsteins choice to adhere to societal expectations and was thus restricted from experiencing the enlightening growth and awareness gained through parenthood. Like Darwin, Einstein was bounded by contextual influences, limiting his discovering new worlds.

Similarly, Thompson accentuates the loss of a child, an allegorical representation of his own experience. Placed in the centre, Oscar is submerged in darkness, symbolising his inner turmoil and inner isolation. This is a rediscovery for the Thompson, as he rediscovers his concealed memories of his own experiences. This worldview can be inferred to that of Einsteins experiences, for the loss of a child can not be forgotten. Therefore, both Oscar and Einstein are similar as they are subjected to the same obstacle of life-death but unlike Einstein, Oscar does not fear expressing his new experience of distraught emotion.

The incremental process of discovery that involves  both new discovery and rediscovery is represented in ASHONE. Bryson places a timeline at the forefront of his text, to exemplify the presence of time and the dynamic experience of discovery. This is what I need! Analysis that is completely independent of plot detail, and purely communicates a concept. Excellent! The diagrams accompanying the timeline grow in complexity, mirroring the individuals own growth as they contemplate on forgotten moments of history that mark moments of humankind's demise and revival. The responders engage with this timeline, as it emphasises the need to rediscover those experiences that have been suppressed, lost and forgotten for they withhold the lessons that enriches an individual's understanding of life and the world. Hence, the timeline serves as an implicit reminder to contemplate on ones discoveries for it allows the individual to escape the parameters of ignorance. This is a VERY effective paragraph. Why? Because it is not text/plot focused, purely conceptual, great analysis here!

In essence, the process of discovery involves that of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering. The texts ASHONE and VM divulge into the experiences of real life individuals to reflect on the bounties gained through these discoveries and the negative scopes. Unfortunately, due to societal expectations and values, an individual can be hindered from exploring their own discoveries while ones attitude will determines ones outlook to their discovery. However, Bryson and Thompson communicate that an individual should contemplate on their discoveries, particularly those forgotten, concealed and lost, for they withhold the greatest opportunities of self growth, self renewal and meaning. Effective conclusion!

This is a really cool essay Cinnamon Tea!! Intro and conclusion I particularly love, they tick all the boxes. They are simple, but so so effective, no waffle straight to the point. Fantastic! Great links to the responder throughout the response which is fantastic and makes me care about what I'm reading, lots of textual references, and frequent accentuation of Discovery concepts. Excellent work with all of this! 

I would suggest two main improvements to this work. The first is structure; the paragraph structure of this essay is a little confusing (perhaps I put the breaks in the wrong spots, but even if not, it should be obvious where they should go, and it isn't here).  Your AoS essay should be intro and conclusion (tick) that are very similar. Then between them, distinct body paragraphs which each focus on something different. Each of these should have their own introduction and conclusion as well.

You do this really well at the start of your response, but it falls apart a bit towards the end. Work on having 3 or 4 distinct paragraphs of equal length, each introduced and concluded appropriately. Further, and this is important, ensure that the conceptual focus of each paragraph is maintained! In some parts of your essay, you say you'll talk about something in a paragraph, then it doesn't come through in a very strong way. Don't make me work to see the concept throughout the paragraph, make it beyond obvious, earn your marks!

So that's the first recommendation, structural adjustments to achieve better conceptual focus. The second change is in your analytical style, and it's pretty simple. Take a step back from the text. Much of your analysis is focused on plot details and characters, for example:

Newtons discovery of calculus, 'an entirely new form' elucidates the enriching contribution of Newton to the progress in both the worlds and his own intellectual odyssey.

Like Newton, Oscar does not endorse in society's need for power and fame, instead is driven by his cathartic need.

These sorts of comments are great, but you can improve them by taking a step away. Really, as a marker, I care about what the composer does to convey meaning in a general sense. So, what techniques are used to convey meaning about, say, the negative nature of discoveries? This does NOT require characters, in fact, you COULD you through the whole essay without mentioning any characters.

This has two implications for your writing. One, ensure all techniques are attributed to the composer, the characters are just puppets. Two, you don't have to reference the characters and plot to make your point, the most powerful points will be made based on the technique by itself like you did in that last paragraph.

I hope this feedback helps! Feel free to clarify anything that doesn't make sense, thanks again for posting!