Suzanne Cory high school essays

[zhen]

Hey zhen,
I just wanted to ask is it possible to write a persuasive piece with 2 main arguments but have them opposing each other? For example, for space exploration, is it possible that I write about the positive impact it has on other fields of study AND in the second argument write about how the money should be sent to get rid of poverty instead or something?
Thanks

In persuasive it's not good to contradict yourself unless you rebut the argument. Everything in your persuasive essay should support your main contention.

[GalacticProcess]

Hey guys,
Today's piece is a persuasive essay. I am trying to be more consistent on writing a piece every day or two days but exams and school take up heaps of time. Again, just not a great piece and I definitely believe that this doesn't demonstrate my capability. I just don't know why I write what I do and I know that I can surely write something a lot better lol. 
Hopefully next one in a lot better. I just wanted to ask, what are some great alternatives for 'firstly, secondly and thirdly'? Thanks

Topic: Should athletes who dope have to forfeit all medals and titles?

Throughout the decades, athletes have been caught doping. Doping means to participate in an athletic activity under the influence of illicit substances. These substances are defined as anything that alters the way the body functions. The consumption of illicit substances creates an unlevel playing field for players, and therefore limits the entertainment of spectators. Drugs have a negative impact on athletes' health and long-term life and due to performance enhancing drugs, athletes are not seen as great role models.

To begin with, athletes who are under the influence of illicit substances gain an edge over athletes who have not consumed drugs. Consuming drugs alters the way the body works. This can be in such a way that sportspeople can enhance their strength, agility and endurance. This allows athletes under the influence of drugs to compete with greater ability and they overpower others. Due to an unlevel playing field, entertainment for spectators is greatly reduced. Not many people like to watch a sporting event and see their favourite players get mauled by opposition. This in turn, reduces income for the sport and has an impact on the growth and development of athletic events. Therefore, due to the unfair playing surface created by illicit substances, players who dope should have to forfeit their medals and titles.

In addition, the consumption of performance enhancing drugs presents great health risks to athletes. It is undoubted that the long-term health issues would rather be avoided than acquiring the short-lived rewards. Drug consumption alters the body's functionality and changes mechanisms in the body. This presents the athletes with consequences such as heart diseases, tumors and cancers. Hence, athletes who consume drugs should be stripped of their medals and titles.

Finally, athletes are seen as great role models for children aspiring to become future sports stars. Seeing their sporting idol consuming performance enhancing drugs will influence them to follow in their footsteps. Sport stars should rather influence children to compete with respect for the opposition and participate with utmost sportsmanship. Thus, athletes who perform under the influence of drugs should be disqualified from acquiring a medals and titles.

In conclusion, athletes should unequivocally be stripped of all titles and medals if found guilty of competing under the influence of drugs. Drugs create an unfair playing ground and gives athletes an advantage over others. Entertainment is greatly reduced for spectators and drug abusing athletes are not great role models for children and future stars.

[GalacticProcess]

Hey guys,
Today, I wrote a narrative. To say the least, it's far from satisfactory. I think the first few sentences were semi-decent but I have no idea what happened to the rest. I was going very well on time, but while writing, I jut couldn't generate ideas. Especially trying to think about how I could have ended the piece. The ending was extremely rushed.

I have also noticed that no one had corrected my last piece, so it would be greatly appreciated that someone read it if you have time, even if it's only very briefly  . Some comments are better than none I guess .
Thanks so much so far by taking the time to read the essays and correcting, I can't explain how helpful it is.

Topic: The gaming convention was full of people and there was a terrorist threat.

As I unenthusiastically walked through the large, glass door of the gaming convention, I was suddenly surrounded by a buzzing aura. Tens and hundreds of screams filled the room with very passionate and eager gamers (who) sat with their eyes glued to the flashing screens. I (A) wide smile grew on my face as I noticed the variety of games that were being played. My smile soon turned into a grin when I was asked to participate in a competition.

"I would love to!" I responded eagerly.

I was meeting people I had never seen before and they all greeted me as if I was their close friend. As I sat myself down on the large yet very comfortable chair, I was quickly handed a controller. I continued to stair (stare) in awe of the large number of people that had come to this place. Their I was at home, sitting lonely thinking my life was complete. I was waiting ardently for my opponents to arrive and I still hadn't found out what game I was about to immerse myself into.

As I sat there, with my eyes darting around frantically across the screen, a number of terrified screams filled the air. I swiveled in my chair full of fright as I tried to spot the culprits of the noise. A large noise boomed from above me and the majority of people quietened to listen.

"There has been a difficulty! It is advised that everyone evacuate this building immediately!" echoed the loud man through the speakers.

An eerie silence filled the room an within seconds, everyone was yelling and screaming once again. I took a while for me to absorb the instructions that I had received and I followed the crowd who panickingly (is that a word) left everything they were doing and made their way for the exits. Some stumbled while others fell, facing the consequence of being trampled on. As we reached the exits of the building, loud BANGs were heard. Screams got louder as people began looking for their dear friends and family. BANG!

An explosion from within the building left many people in shock. BANG! Shrapnel flew around as I was torn apart by the power of the blast.

[zhen]

Hey guys,
Today, I wrote a narrative. To say the least, it's far from satisfactory. I think the first few sentences were semi-decent but I have no idea what happened to the rest. I was going very well on time, but while writing, I jut couldn't generate ideas. Especially trying to think about how I could have ended the piece. The ending was extremely rushed.

I have also noticed that no one had corrected my last piece, so it would be greatly appreciated that someone read it if you have time, even if it's only very briefly  . Some comments are better than none I guess .
Thanks so much so far by taking the time to read the essays and correcting, I can't explain how helpful it is.

Topic: The gaming convention was full of people and there was a terrorist threat.

As I unenthusiastically Judging by the next couple of sentence, he would be enthusiastic walked through the large, glass door of the gaming convention, I was suddenly surrounded by a buzzing aura. Tens and Hundreds of screams filled the room with very passionate and eager gamers (who) sat with their eyes glued to the flashing screens. I (A) wide smile grew on my face as I noticed the variety of games that were being played. My smile soon turned into a grin when I was asked to participate in a competition.

"I would love to!" I responded eagerly. You should show more rather than telling. You can talk about his heart beating quicker/him responding quickly to show his enthusiasm

I was meeting people I had never seen before and they all greeted me as if I was their close friend. As I sat myself down on the large yet very comfortable chair, I was quickly handed a controller. I continued to stair (stare) in awe of the large number of people that had come to this place. Their There I was at home, sitting lonely thinking my life was complete. I was waiting ardently for my opponents to arrive and I still hadn't found out what game I was about to immerse myself into. This is pretty mediocre compared to your other works. I feel like your description in your past creatives were way better. You should describe the flashing lights, the thundering sounds of the games echoing throughout the room and your rapid heart beat. These are some alternative descriptions you could provide. 

As I sat there, with my eyes darting around frantically across the screen, a number of terrified screams filled the air. I swiveled in my chair full of fright as I tried to spot the culprits source of the noise. A large noise boomed from above me and the majority of people quietened to listen. Decent description here

"There has been a difficulty dodgy word choice here! It is advised that everyone evacuate this building immediately!" echoed the loud man through the speakers.

An eerie silence filled the room an within seconds, everyone was yelling and screaming once again. It took a while for me to absorb I don't think absorb is the right word to use here the instructions that I had received and I followed the crowd who panickingly (is that a word) left everything they were doing and made their way for the exits. Some stumbled while others fell, facing the consequence of being trampled on. I feel like you could provide a better description here. You could talk about everyone frantically scrambling for the exit, shoving their way past others. As we reached the exits of the building, loud BANGs were heard. Screams got louder as people began looking for their dear friends and family. BANG!

An explosion from within the building left many people in shock. BANG! Shrapnel flew around as I was torn apart by the power of the blast.

I feel like this is the worst creative you have submitted that I have looked at so far. The plot just isn't really captivating the the descriptions are a lot worse than your previous pieces, which is a testament to your usual high quality creatives. Anyway the prompt was probably not for you, so just keep working hard and you'll improve.    I'll correct your persuasive later. I corrected your creative first because I thought that it would be more interesting to read.

Edit: I realised that these comments were a bit negative, but that's just because I felt like it's not as good as your previous creatives and that it doesn't really show your true level of writing (from what I've seen).

[GalacticProcess]

I feel like this is the worst creative you have submitted that I have looked at so far. The plot just isn't really captivating the the descriptions are a lot worse than your previous pieces, which is a testament to your usual high quality creatives. Anyway the prompt was probably not for you, so just keep working hard and you'll improve.    I'll correct your persuasive later. I corrected your creative first because I thought that it would be more interesting to read.

Edit: I realised that these comments were a bit negative, but that's just because I felt like it's not as good as your previous creatives and that it doesn't really show your true level of writing (from what I've seen).

Thanks zhen for correcting the piece. I just really love the way you are so straightforward of what your point is. Not offensive to me at all. In fact, I would rather have someone more critical and negative than someone who tried to hide all of my errors .

Like I said, far from satisfactory piece of writing. I really don't know what happened and yes you are right, the prompt really wasn't for me. I guess I will need to be able to write something even if I don't like the prompt as I may get something like that in the real exam  .
I also have school exams next week and because of the homework load, I haven't been able to write anything today, which really is a shame. 

I'll try my best to write tomorrow so I'll see you then and I look forward to your correction of my persuasive. Thanks a lot. 

[jz27]

Lol im Y9 and the MHS test is also 15m writing so :
TOPIC: Should High School Be Mandatory

High school poses as a difficult part of teenage life. The question that strikes everyone is whether or not high school should be mandatory. Well, just because something is hard doesn't mean the correct thing to do is to avoid it. In fact avoidance of difficult things is a sign of weakness. So it is definitely a logical choice to make high school compulsory for everyone. Regardless of how large of a wall high school builds for you, breaking it down will always prove as a significant event in your life/ High school grants you stronger education and friends. So there is no reason to be pessimistic about it.

Education is of utmost importance, and High school provides as a chance to strengthen you academic foundations. If it wasn't mandatory, the people who willingly ( and smartly) go will have a sky high advantage of those who choose to stray from the advantageous and most definitely more advisable path. The importance of High School in human advancement ( I dont know wtf I was thinking lol ) in education makes the essentialness(It says this words an error?) of High school significant.

Having friends proves useful in the later years of life. Research shows that friends from high school tend to bond closer than that of primary. Maybe this is because of all the hard times that friends endure through in high school. The friends that you gain at high school makes it wise to make it mandatory.

Those who disagree are usually those who are afraid to endure hardships. The will come up with all types of excuses to avoid |DAMN I RAN OUT OF TIME| 15 min is up

yeh ik its bad i didnt even finish... meh ill try improve as well good luck GALACTICPROCESS

[zhen]

Hey guys,
Today's piece is a persuasive essay. I am trying to be more consistent on writing a piece every day or two days but exams and school take up heaps of time. Again, just not a great piece and I definitely believe that this doesn't demonstrate my capability. I just don't know why I write what I do and I know that I can surely write something a lot better lol. 
Hopefully next one in a lot better. I just wanted to ask, what are some great alternatives for 'firstly, secondly and thirdly'? Thanks

Topic: Should athletes who dope have to forfeit all medals and titles?

Throughout the decades, athletes have been caught doping. Doping means to participate in an athletic activity under the influence of illicit substances. These substances are defined as anything that alters the way the body functions. The consumption of illicit substances creates an unlevel playing field for players, and therefore limits the entertainment of spectators. Drugs have a negative impact on athletes' health and long-term life and due to performance enhancing drugs, athletes are not seen as great role models. Probably one of the most solid introductions that I've seen from you. 

To begin with, athletes who are under the influence of illicit substances gain an edge unfair advantage would be better over athletes who have not consumed drugs. Consuming drugs alters the way the body works. This can be in such a way that dodgy phrasing here sportspeople can enhance their strength, agility and endurance. This allows athletes under the influence of drugs to compete with greater ability and they overpower others Could be phrased better. Due to an unlevel playing field, entertainment for spectators is greatly reduced. Not many people like to Could be made more concise. Something like people will not enjoy watching... watch a sporting event and see their favourite players get mauled by opposition. This in turn, reduces income for the sport and has an impact on the growth and development of athletic events. Therefore, due to the unfair playing surface created by illicit substances, players who dope should have to forfeit their medals and titles. This is a decent paragraph, but I feel like emphasising the unfair advantage sportpeople get when doping could really enhance your argument.

In addition, the consumption of performance enhancing drugs presents great health risks to athletes. It is undoubted that the long-term health issues would rather be avoided than acquiring the short-lived rewards. Drug consumption alters the body's functionality and changes mechanisms in the body. This presents the athletes with consequences such as heart diseases, tumors and cancers. Really solid body paragraph. But I feel that the last sentence doesn't really connect everything together. Hence, athletes who consume drugs should be stripped of their medals and titles. I feel like you should wrap this up with something like athletes should be stripped of their medals as it will reduce the number of athletes that consume these drugs, thus preventing future athletes from facing these detrimental side effects.

Finally, athletes are seen as great role models for children aspiring to become future sports stars. Seeing their sporting idol consuming performance enhancing drugs will influence them to follow in their footsteps. Sport stars should rather influence children to compete with respect for the opposition and participate with utmost sportsmanship. Thus, athletes who perform under the influence of drugs should be disqualified from acquiring a medals and titles. Another good paragraph, but I feel like you should emphasise that athletes will influence children to cheat/play unfairly/deceive, which is something that we don't want to influence children negatively. I feel like this point needs to highlighted more.

In conclusion, athletes should unequivocally be stripped of all titles and medals if found guilty of competing under the influence of drugs. Drugs create an unfair playing ground and gives athletes an advantage over others. Entertainment is greatly reduced for spectators and drug abusing athletes are not great role models for children and future stars. Good solid conclusion that sums up your points well.

I feel like this is one of your better persuasive pieces, but their are still some things to fix. I feel like at times you're beating around the bush, since you kind of wonder off a bit and don't really nail your main points in. But, overall it was a pretty good essay. Good job! 

I'm probably not going to correct many of your essays for the next 3 weeks, since I have SAC week soon. I just stopped to correct your essay because I'm relaxing after screwing up a specialist SAC.

[exit]

I feel like this is one of your better persuasive pieces, but their are still some things to fix. I feel like at times you're beating around the bush, since you kind of wonder off a bit and don't really nail your main points in. But, overall it was a pretty good essay. Good job! 

I'm probably not going to correct many of your essays for the next 3 weeks, since I have SAC week soon. I just stopped to correct your essay because I'm relaxing after screwing up a specialist SAC.

Aren't MHS SACs known to be some of the hardest out there? I doubt you screwed anything up too badly! Especially since MHS sacs scale up a lot.

[zhen]

Aren't MHS SACs known to be some of the hardest out there? I doubt you screwed anything up too badly! Especially since MHS sacs scale up a lot.

It wasn't a complete disaster, but I felt like I could have done a lot better. Right now I'm sitting on an A at my school, which I don't think scales enough for me to get 40+ specialist, which is the real problem. So, I'll try to do better next time. Also, do you have any tips and tricks for getting high in methods, since you got 45, which is a score I'd die to have.

[exit]

It wasn't a complete disaster, but I felt like I could have done a lot better. Right now I'm sitting on an A at my school, which I don't think scales enough for me to get 40+ specialist, which is the real problem. So, I'll try to do better next time. Also, do you have any tips and tricks for getting high in methods, since you got 45, which is a score I'd die to have.

Yeah you're still definitely in the run for a 40+ in spesh. Your A has a high chance of scaling to A+...it's Melbourne High and I heard their sacs are quite hard. It still does mean you have to work hard though!

Methods is just a matter of mitigating mistakes and exposing yourself to enough problems so that you can think on your feet. Make sure you know your calculator well and pay attention to every line of working so you don't make silly errors. I don't believe there's a special formula to doing well

[zhen]

Yeah you're still definitely in the run for a 40+ in spesh. Your A has a high chance of scaling to A+...it's Melbourne High and I heard their sacs are quite hard. It still does mean you have to work hard though!

Methods is just a matter of mitigating mistakes and exposing yourself to enough problems so that you can think on your feet. Make sure you know your calculator well and pay attention to every line of working so you don't make silly errors. I don't believe there's a special formula to doing well

Yea, I think that minimising silly mistakes will be the biggest problem for me, but i've been trying to neaten up my handwriting and underline the key parts of questions in an attempt to fix this problem. But, in tests, my handwriting just turns really messy and I forget to underline these key parts of a question. I guess I just need to get into the habit of doing this under test conditions.

[exit]

Yea, I think that minimising silly mistakes will be the biggest problem for me, but i've been trying to neaten up my handwriting and underline the key parts of questions in an attempt to fix this problem. But, in tests, my handwriting just turns really messy and I forget to underline these key parts of a question. I guess I just need to get into the habit of doing this under test conditions.

I found that sometimes the lines on the exams are too small, there is no problem with writing as big as you want. Overall, you have to find what works best for you. For me personally, I check after each question whether I answered the question but I don't underline/highlight since I can't comprehend things as well that way.

This is why practice exams are so important.   I have found specialist quite a step above Methods and I also was disappointed with my first sac so far.  It's quite normal to make mistakes in harder subjects.

[GalacticProcess]

Hey everyone,
I just about managed to squeeze in a essay for today  . I have my first exam tomorrow, IT  . Need to continue to study for a little while longer. I think today's piece was not too bad. Maybe the first argument, in my opinion, wasn't overly strong but I felt it would do. I just wanted to clarify, if I write two arguments, can my second one be a rebuttal paragraph or is that only suitable if I write three arguments? Can someone also please list some alternatives for firstly, secondly, thirdly and in conclusion? Thanks a lot so far to everyone who has contributed to this thread and also to my progression in writing essays. It has been heavily appreciated.

Just a quick statement: My word count has improved significantly over the last few weeks so props to everyone who helped to make this happen. 
This essay was 335 words, is that a bit low or is it fine?

After reading the topic for the first time, I was quite confused about what my points could be, but after contemplating for a few seconds, I was good to go.

Topic: Should boys and girls be in separate classes?

In today's society, the majority of schools follow the co-educational trend in which boys and girls are taught the same class. Some schools however, operate on a system in which boys and girls are educated in separate classrooms. Educating boys and girls separately will allow students to become free of the distractions associated with the opposite gender and while some argue that it will prohibit students from socialising, it can be contradicted by the argument that socialising can be done outside of class. (I think the last sentence could be separated into two. idk maybe)

To begin with, boys and girls are very easily distracted by the opposite gender. Getting into relationships at an early age is very common in the society of the modern age. This distracts students as they are more worried about how they look and how attractive they are to the opposite gender than their education. Learning in a separate environment also allows students to discuss ideas common to their gender. This will prevent awkward instances where a student is afraid to speak up because they fear embarrassment from the opposite sex. Therefore, because of a distraction prone environment, boys and girls should be educated separately. (I think the last part was a bit off topic)

In addition, it can be argued that a separate gender classroom prevents a social interaction between genders. In contradiction to that, students have a surplus amount of time to socialise with the opposite gender outside of class time. This can be at recess, lunch or even after school. A classroom is a place of education and over socialising restricts the level of education one can receive. To maximise productivity of class time, the genders should be separated into different classrooms. Consequently, the argument that a single sex classroom prevents socialising can be disputed by the fact that socialisation and interaction can occur anywhere and anytime out of the classroom.

In conclusion, boys and girls should unequivocally be separated into different classrooms. Distractions involving the opposite genders will be eliminated by a single sex classroom environment. Finally, socialisation between the genders can occur elsewhere other than the classroom.

Thanks!

[jz27]

lol good one

[jz27]

dude u use  unequivocally in every sentence i dunno maybe use some synonyms:http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/%20unequivocally?s=t
dont worry though lol bcos the examiners don't care. What happens if a boy is gay (off topic lol). Also I dont think the word socialise is used only for interactions between boys and girls.But im in y8 so i may be wrong