Suzanne Cory high school essays

[Phoenix11]

Hello!
Well alternatives for first, secondly thirdly are additionally (in addition to), furthermore, finally, ultimately, to begin with, consequently, moreover.
For conclusion you can say 'in conclusion' and therefore.
 

[GalacticProcess]

dude u use  unequivocally in every sentence i dunno maybe use some synonyms:http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/%20unequivocally?s=t
dont worry though lol bcos the examiners don't care. What happens if a boy is gay (off topic lol). Also I dont think the word socialise is used only for interactions between boys and girls.But im in y8 so i may be wrong

Hey Jack,
I agree with you when you say that I use unequivocally a lot but my theory is that the examiners will only read ONE of my persuasive pieces. Therefore, they don't know that I use unequivocally a lot, unless I use it multiple times in one piece of course.

When you say "what if a boy is gay?"... I think the point of every persuasive is to convey your side of the argument and convince the reader that you are correct. Every argument has an equally opposite argument and if you begin listing them all, you'll be writing forever. When writing a persuasive, it's not ideal to write arguments such as what you have said. This is because I believe that argument is not very strong and if you were to argue it, you wouldn't have much to write. Do you get what I mean?

I think when I say socialise I mean that the interactions between a boy and girl are a form of socialising. I don't know if I make sense lol.

Thanks for reading btw.

[jz27]

GOOD POINT AND LEARNING POINT (FOR ME) ANYWAYS GOOD LUCK!!

[GalacticProcess]

GOOD POINT AND LEARNING POINT (FOR ME) ANYWAYS GOOD LUCK!!

Cheers mate!

[GalacticProcess]

Hey everyone!
Here comes probably one of my worst creatives. Please don't let that be a barrier stopping you from reading it though  .

I had 48 seconds left by the time I finished and couldn't be bothered reading over it as it's 11:30pm. Need to sleep lol. Quite late for me as I usually sleep at around 10-10:30 (unless I have a lot of work). This piece was quite short and I am not sure if the word count is enough. (Only 302 words...  )

I just wanted to ask... How do some people write so many words just based on one scene? I can't seem to do it. It feels as if I ramble on about the same thing multiple times. If anyone has any tips, please let me know as it would be greatly appreciated.

Topic: Picture of duck jumping into water

As the clouds moved away, the sunlight illuminated the evening sky. The sun shone on the water and the river looked so pure and refreshing. A tingle shot up my spine as the thought of jumping into the water flashed across my mind. Countless hours I had spent watching the other ducks leaping delightfully into the sparkling water had made me more and more eager to jump. The wooden boards beneath my feet creaked as I shuffled my feet in excitement. I watched ardently as my fellow ducks plunged into the water. They made several quacks, signalling for me to join them.

I slowly took a few steps back to create some momentum for my jump. Shivers were sent down my body as I felt small prickling sensations on my thick feathers. A sense of peace and tranquility filled the environment as I absorbed the refreshing atmosphere. My companions stared keenly as they got ready to witness my first jump. As I took my first steps towards the edge of the wooden structure, a small piece of wood gave way to my feet. My small legs pierced the gap and my body followed, creating a larger gap. The other ducks quacked in panic as the sight of my failure worried them. A sense of displeasure and disappointment filled me but it was soon turned back into excitement. My thin, webbed feet quickly entered the water, at first shocking me. Slowly this shock turned into a wave of relief as I had finally been able to do what I had so keenly waited for. A number of lively quacks filled the air and I was suddenly surrounded by a number of very excited ducks.

I watched in exhilaration as my fellow ducks flapped their wings in pure joy. This is what family was.

Thanks

[jz27]

Hey everyone!
Here comes probably one of my worst creatives. Please don't let that be a barrier stopping you from reading it though  .

I had 48 seconds left by the time I finished and couldn't be bothered reading over it as it's 11:30pm. Need to sleep lol. Quite late for me as I usually sleep at around 10-10:30 (unless I have a lot of work). This piece was quite short and I am not sure if the word count is enough. (Only 302 words...  )

I just wanted to ask... How do some people write so many words just based on one scene? I can't seem to do it. It feels as if I ramble on about the same thing multiple times. If anyone has any tips, please let me know as it would be greatly appreciated.

Topic: Picture of duck jumping into water

As the clouds moved away, the sunlight illuminated the evening lol if its evening, there's no sunlight? Maybe afternoon would be a better choice of wordssky. The sun shone on the water and the river looked so pure and refreshing. A tingle (slight pricking or stinging sensation?) shot up my spine as the thought of jumping into the water flashed across my mind. Countless hours I had spent watching the other ducks leaping delightfully into the sparkling water had made me more and more eager to jump. The wooden boards beneath my feet creaked as I shuffled my feet in excitement. I watched ardently as my fellow ducks plunged into the water. They made several quacks(Maybe say they quacked several times?), signalling for me to join them.

I slowly took a few steps back to create some momentum for my jump. Shivers were sent down my body as I felt small prickling sensations on my thick feathers. A sense of peace and tranquility filled the environment as I absorbed the refreshing atmosphere. My companions stared keenly as they got ready to witness my first jump. As I took my first steps towards the edge of the wooden structure, a small piece of wood gave way to my feet. My small legs pierced the gap and my body followed, creating a larger gap. The other ducks quacked in panic as the sight of my failure worried them. A sense of displeasure and disappointment filled me but it was soon turned back into excitement. My thin, webbed feet quickly entered the water, at first shocking me. Slowly this shock turned into a wave of relief as I had finally been able to do what I had so keenly waited for. A number of lively quacks filled the air and I was suddenly surrounded by a number of very excited ducks.

I watched in exhilaration as my fellow ducks flapped their wings in pure joy. This is what family was.

Thanks

GOOD LUCK!!

[zhen]

Hey everyone,
I just about managed to squeeze in a essay for today  . I have my first exam tomorrow, IT  . Need to continue to study for a little while longer. I think today's piece was not too bad. Maybe the first argument, in my opinion, wasn't overly strong but I felt it would do. I just wanted to clarify, if I write two arguments, can my second one be a rebuttal paragraph or is that only suitable if I write three arguments? Can someone also please list some alternatives for firstly, secondly, thirdly and in conclusion? Thanks a lot so far to everyone who has contributed to this thread and also to my progression in writing essays. It has been heavily appreciated.

Just a quick statement: My word count has improved significantly over the last few weeks so props to everyone who helped to make this happen. 
This essay was 335 words, is that a bit low or is it fine?

After reading the topic for the first time, I was quite confused about what my points could be, but after contemplating for a few seconds, I was good to go.

Topic: Should boys and girls be in separate classes?

In today's society, the majority of schools follow the co-educational trend in which boys and girls are taught the same class. Some schools however, operate on a system in which boys and girls are educated in separate classrooms. Educating boys and girls separately will allow students to become free of the distractions associated with the opposite gender and while some argue that it will prohibit students from socialising, it can be contradicted by the argument that socialising can be done outside of class. (I think the last sentence could be separated into two. idk maybe)

To begin with, boys and girls are very easily distracted by the opposite gender. Getting into relationships at an early age is very common in the society of the modern age. This distracts students as they are more worried about how they look and how attractive they are to the opposite gender than their education. Learning in a separate environment also allows students to discuss ideas common to their gender. This will prevent awkward instances where a student is afraid to speak up because they fear embarrassment from the opposite sex. Therefore, because of a distraction prone environment, boys and girls should be educated separately. (I think the last part was a bit off topic)

In addition, it can be argued that a separate gender classroom prevents a social interaction between genders. In contradiction to that, students have a surplus amount of time to socialise with the opposite gender outside of class time. This can be at recess, lunch or even after school. A classroom is a place of education and over socialising restricts the level of education one can receive. To maximise productivity of class time, the genders should be separated into different classrooms. Consequently, the argument that a single sex classroom prevents socialising can be disputed by the fact that socialisation and interaction can occur anywhere and anytime out of the classroom.

In conclusion, boys and girls should unequivocally be separated into different classrooms. Distractions involving the opposite genders will be eliminated by a single sex classroom environment. Finally, socialisation between the genders can occur elsewhere other than the classroom.

Thanks!

Positives
-This is in my opinion one of the best essays you've written
-Expression is pretty decent
Arguments are pretty solid

Negatives
-Expression is sometimes not ideal. This would be an example "This will prevent awkward instances where a student is afraid to speak up because they fear embarrassment from the opposite sex."
-Other than that I'd say that anything else would be too nitpicky and I don't have enough time to pick them out

Overall amazing essay  . You've improved so much from the first time I've read your persuasive essays.  Also, in my opinion I wouldn't have a rebuttal for a 2 body para essay, since then you don't have enough arguments. But, I don't think they'll care too much and if your rebuttal is as solid as this one then it might be better if you can't think of good arguments. Sorry I couldn't give a more in depth correction. I'm really busy right now.

[zhen]

Hey everyone!
Here comes probably one of my worst creatives. Please don't let that be a barrier stopping you from reading it though  .

I had 48 seconds left by the time I finished and couldn't be bothered reading over it as it's 11:30pm. Need to sleep lol. Quite late for me as I usually sleep at around 10-10:30 (unless I have a lot of work). This piece was quite short and I am not sure if the word count is enough. (Only 302 words...  )

I just wanted to ask... How do some people write so many words just based on one scene? I can't seem to do it. It feels as if I ramble on about the same thing multiple times. If anyone has any tips, please let me know as it would be greatly appreciated.

Topic: Picture of duck jumping into water

As the clouds moved away, the sunlight illuminated the evening sky. The sun shone on the water and the river looked so pure and refreshing. A tingle shot up my spine as the thought of jumping into the water flashed across my mind. Countless hours I had spent watching the other ducks leaping delightfully into the sparkling water had made me more and more eager to jump. The wooden boards beneath my feet creaked as I shuffled my feet in excitement. I watched ardently as my fellow ducks plunged into the water. They made several quacks, signalling for me to join them.

I slowly took a few steps back to create some momentum for my jump. Shivers were sent down my body as I felt small prickling sensations on my thick feathers. A sense of peace and tranquility filled the environment as I absorbed the refreshing atmosphere. My companions stared keenly as they got ready to witness my first jump. As I took my first steps towards the edge of the wooden structure, a small piece of wood gave way to my feet. My small legs pierced the gap and my body followed, creating a larger gap. The other ducks quacked in panic as the sight of my failure worried them. A sense of displeasure and disappointment filled me but it was soon turned back into excitement. My thin, webbed feet quickly entered the water, at first shocking me. Slowly this shock turned into a wave of relief as I had finally been able to do what I had so keenly waited for. A number of lively quacks filled the air and I was suddenly surrounded by a number of very excited ducks.

I watched in exhilaration as my fellow ducks flapped their wings in pure joy. This is what family was.

Thanks

Overall great creative. Honestly I think your creatives are amazing given the time limit.  The only flaw I'd say is that this type of piece really needs eloquent and descriptive language, which you've done pretty well, but it could be improved. It's really difficult to improve your expression, but you could improve your description by describing as much of your senses as possible. Like what do you see, feel, smell and hear. This answers you question above about how to write alot on one scene. Also, I was wondering when your entrance exam is, since I think the year 9 entry one is in a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure about yours.

[jz27]

The Year 9 one is on the 17th of June and I believe the Year 10 one is 14th. Year 11 should be sometime before that, so i'd say its within one weeks time.

[GalacticProcess]

Overall great creative. Honestly I think your creatives are amazing given the time limit.  The only flaw I'd say is that this type of piece really needs eloquent and descriptive language, which you've done pretty well, but it could be improved. It's really difficult to improve your expression, but you could improve your description by describing as much of your senses as possible. Like what do you see, feel, smell and hear. This answers you question above about how to write alot on one scene. Also, I was wondering when your entrance exam is, since I think the year 9 entry one is in a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure about yours.

Hey zhen,
Thanks so much for correcting both of my essays. I really appreciate it. My exam is actually on the same date as the year 10 one. I am going for year 11 entry and the exam is on June 14. I just wanted to clarify what you meant by "It's really difficult to improve your expression". Tbqh, I personally didn't feel like the creative was very good, but I believe you lol.

Wait, so if I am stuck and can't think of any solid arguments, I can resort to writing a rebuttal paragraph? Hmm. if my rebuttal is like the one I wrote, it will be fine? OK.

I completely understand that you don't have time to correct my essays in depth. I mean you are in year 12. What you have done so far has been great and I thank you for that. There aren't many people who go out of their way to help a stranger, ONLINE. 

Cheers!

[zhen]

Hey zhen,
Thanks so much for correcting both of my essays. I really appreciate it. My exam is actually on the same date as the year 10 one. I am going for year 11 entry and the exam is on June 14. I just wanted to clarify what you meant by "It's really difficult to improve your expression". Tbqh, I personally didn't feel like the creative was very good, but I believe you lol.

Wait, so if I am stuck and can't think of any solid arguments, I can resort to writing a rebuttal paragraph? Hmm. if my rebuttal is like the one I wrote, it will be fine? OK.

I completely understand that you don't have time to correct my essays in depth. I mean you are in year 12. What you have done so far has been great and I thank you for that. There aren't many people who go out of their way to help a stranger, ONLINE. 

Cheers!

I'd say just follow your gut feeling on the day. When I said it's difficult to fix your expression, I meant that improving expression is a gradual thing that takes weeks to do. I feel like your creative is really impressive, especially under those time constraints. However, I'm not sure if it's enough, since I took the year 9 exam, so I don't know the level required to get a high mark. I feel like your descriptions are really good and your vocabulary is pretty broad, but some of your sentences can get jarring and some of your descriptions aren't picked out well or don't flow well.

Here's the first bit of a creative I wrote in year 10, which wasn't done in time conditions. It's only 110 words, so it could have probably been written under time conditions given the low word count. I think it has pretty decent expression (might just be my own bias speaking) and shows the level of a year 10 selective school student. Hopefully it helps you. I'd like to hear some comments on it (just my curiosity speaking) and what you think are the positives and negatives of it (might help you fix and identify minor problems in your writing).

A creature surging with malice, resonating with utter evil is shackled by chains. Its eyes, which are devoid of remorse and empathy, show a vile crimson colour, likened to the scorching flames of hell. The beast's screeching howl reflects its malevolence and hatred. Being unable to rupture the chains which bind it, the monster merely waits.

I slowly open my eyes, only to see an ocean of sand surrounding me. I feel the blistering heat against my body. Streaks of wind wash past me, smothering my face with sweltering air. The last moment I can recall was the plane suddenly swirling out of control and violently crashing onto the ground.

[GalacticProcess]

I'd say just follow your gut feeling on the day. When I said it's difficult to fix your expression, I meant that improving expression is a gradual thing that takes weeks to do. I feel like your creative is really impressive, especially under those time constraints. However, I'm not sure if it's enough, since I took the year 9 exam, so I don't know the level required to get a high mark. I feel like your descriptions are really good and your vocabulary is pretty broad, but some of your sentences can get jarring and some of your descriptions aren't picked out well or don't flow well.

Here's the first bit of a creative I wrote in year 10, which wasn't done in time conditions. It's only 110 words, so it could have probably been written under time conditions given the low word count. I think it has pretty decent expression (might just be my own bias speaking) and shows the level of a year 10 selective school student. Hopefully it helps you. I'd like to hear some comments on it (just my curiosity speaking) and what you think are the positives and negatives of it (might help you fix and identify minor problems in your writing).

A creature surging with malice, resonating with utter evil is shackled by chains. Its eyes, which are devoid of remorse and empathy, show a vile crimson colour, likened to the scorching flames of hell. The beast's screeching howl reflects its malevolence and hatred. Being unable to rupture the chains which bind it, the monster merely waits.

I slowly open my eyes, only to see an ocean of sand surrounding me. I feel the blistering heat against my body. Streaks of wind wash past me, smothering my face with sweltering air. The last moment I can recall was the plane suddenly swirling out of control and violently crashing onto the ground.

Hey zhen,
Thanks for the lengthy reply. When you say "However, I don't know if it's enough", do you mean you don't think it's enough or you actually don't know if it will be enough as you don't know the level required? Do you get what I am trying to ask lol?

Thanks for letting me know what to work on! 

I don't really have the time right now to comment on your piece of writing, but from what I have read, it sounds really good.

Thanks a lot! 

[zhen]

Hey zhen,
Thanks for the lengthy reply. When you say "However, I don't know if it's enough", do you mean you don't think it's enough or you actually don't know if it will be enough as you don't know the level required? Do you get what I am trying to ask lol?

Thanks for letting me know what to work on! 

I don't really have the time right now to comment on your piece of writing, but from what I have read, it sounds really good.

Thanks a lot! 

I just don't know the level required to get a high score. Anyway, I just wanted you to read my piece to learn from it. I already did probably the last creative I'll ever write like a month ago for my SAC and already received my mark for it. So, I'm done writing creatives. I just thought that reading a piece that I wrote might help you with your own creatives.

[jz27]

Lol it helped with mine. That was Damn Good

[GalacticProcess]

Hey everyone!
Oh this persuasive was bad and I definitely know why. This topic was surely not for me. I really tried not to sound sexist, but in the time frame given, it was really hard not to. So I dearly apologise to any females who read this who are offended by my writing. 

Can anyone explain if I can write two points that are similar? Can the arguments link up or does that create a weak persuasive? I ask that because in my eyes, the arguments I wrote are very similar and the first one leads on to the next one. Correct me if I am wrong. 

This was once again quite a short essay and definitely not up to standard. 

Topic: Should girls be allowed to play on boys sports teams?

In the modern era, sporting has become a vital factor in ones life. Competitiveness is at an extremely high level and it is so between boys and girls. Boys and girls should definitely not be able to join boys sporting teams as it will give boys an advantage at a physical level. It also creates a very unsafe environment for females to compete in.

To begin with, boys are seen as physically stronger and more capable at a genetic level. This heavily disadvantages females as it does not create an even playing surface. It is known to all, with exceptions, that men can hit further, kick further and hit harder than women. However, it is not always  the case but because of exceptions, the rest can not be left at a disadvantage. Generally, a boys sporting event is equipped with larger boundaries and larger grounds. If girls were to join boys sporting teams, they will have to compete at a matching level to that of a male. This means having to hit a ball further than they would have in a girls event and even running a further distance to achieve the same result. Consequently, girls should not be permitted to join boys sporting events.

In addition, due to the physical advantage held by males, mixed sporting teams result in a very unsafe environment for women. The physical strength attributed to men means that women are at more of a risk of becoming injured. Cricket can be used as a great example. Men undisputedly bowl faster and hit the ball harder that women. As a consequence of that, women will be threatened to injury resulting from the greater impact of the ball. (weird sentence). Therefore, women should undoubtedly not be allowed to join in male sporting teams.

In conclusion, men and women sporting teams should unequivocally be separated. Due to the advantage held by men and the physical risk to women, they should not be allowed to participate in boys sports teams.

Thanks!