Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam

[ProbotMelbourne]

Please discuss other topics in another thread. Willing to you help with topics in Mathematics section but not in the Essay Marking Thread!

Yup,sure,my bad.

[ProbotMelbourne]

First of all, I have not finished correcting your essay because a few points.
1. What you write is evidently contradicting your points that you state in the introduction
2. A creative essay is NOT a dialogue..
3. Creative essays require description, not just telling of the story..
4. Do not use words like "Maid and I chilled", this results in an extremely "cringey" essay.

I currently do not know if you are actually taking this seriously or not so I am hesitant to keep helping you mark..

Pfft,my bad.i tried to create this as a suspense essay with some plot twists and I screwed up.
Btw,this is the story of this guy who is telling his grandchildren the story of the worst week.him and the maid(which is also his girlfriend) made his father unconscious for a week.They went to the haunted house and saw creepy stuff and some hieroglyphics where it says they killed the father,but he thought they didn’t since they mixed chemicals which makes a person unconscious. They go upstairs and a statue comes to life,it informs that they killed the father by mixing poison instead(accidently).The statue kills the maid but the man escapes.The mum comes back to see that the dad is dead and dies as well from depression. The guy rides the horse to the city to live a new life,and never tells the secret that killed his father.
I re read the essay and it did not come out as it was in my brain lol.
Btw,there were some typos while writing which weren’t there in my essay,sorry about that.
I shouldn’tve told the story,I realised at the end but didn’t change it.
Btw the guy was drowning in happiness for like 30mins cause he’s dad was unconscious.
My bad lol, bad essay.

[GodNifty]

Topic:A secret killed your father and you know what it was.

My grandchildren asked me a really personal question, ”what happened on the worst week of your life”? I did not want to reply, but the inner of me wanted to spit it all out. They say(use a better word instead of 'say'), ’a problem shared is a problem halved’. I began on my story of how my dad passed away; the worst week of my life.

It was an ordinary day for everyone, except formy maid, who was also my girlfriend and I. (ok? your girlfriend is your maid?) My father was on his chair reading his newspaper. My maid was cooking tea,while I was playing with checkers, I was playing checkers while my girlfriend (bit derogative to call her a maid) was cooking tea and my father was sitting on his chair reading his newspaper. . My mum mother was not here as she left, with her horse, to get loaf(are you talking about bread? bit specific)  as us villagers had no shops nearby .

Our maid had My girlfriendserved my dad tea.
“How bout add some sugar, will ya”?, (reword) my dad asked.
My girlfriend added sugar to his tea, then left with a smile on her face. She gave me a wink then I did my role (what does this mean?).
“Want some biscuits?” I asked.
“Sure,” he responded. weird transition, you didn't make it clear if you're talking to your dad or your girlfriend
My dad munched on the biscuits and then immediately passed away ( how are you sure he passed away immediately? what you should have added are the events leading up to him passing out, like choking/coughing/looking pale etc.. Our maid had mixed some chemicals which made my father unconscious for a week (you just said he passed away, and now you wrote he was unconscious? did you mean to write he passed out?) . I was drowning in happiness, my mum was coming next week and my father was unconscious, my maid and I chilled alone at home. very very confused now. you were drowning in happiness because why? that your mum is coming next week AND your father is unconscious? i thought your father dying was something that was on your worst week of your life?

We watched black and white television together (don't really need to mention black and white), she did not have to do work and we had no interruptions. Life was perfect, until we visited the haunted house nearby. She insisted to go, I did not mind either, so we went. Little had we known of your unexpected deadly journey ahead of us. What? So your father is in a coma and then you carry on in your life? Kinda confused on why you brought up a haunted house

I'm stopping here. I'm marking you more on your creativity as opposed to your grammar, and as of now, your transitions have been unorthodox

I love that you don't give up on your aspirations to attend a selective school, however, I've noticed a pattern with your creative essays - they just don't make any sense. Your transitions are confusing to the point where I can not even imagine what's going on in my head.

Please, spend time planning before you commence writing.
Don't give up, you still have plenty of time
(BTW by no means am I insinuating that this is a bad essay, I'm just saying that it's evident you didn't plan clearly)

[ProbotMelbourne]

Topic:A secret killed your father and you know what it was.

My grandchildren asked me a really personal question, ”what happened on the worst week of your life”? I did not want to reply, but the inner of me wanted to spit it all out. They say(use a better word instead of 'say'), ’a problem shared is a problem halved’. I began on my story of how my dad passed away; the worst week of my life.

It was an ordinary day for everyone, except formy maid, who was also my girlfriend and I. (ok? your girlfriend is your maid?) My father was on his chair reading his newspaper. My maid was cooking tea,while I was playing with checkers, I was playing checkers while my girlfriend (bit derogative to call her a maid) was cooking tea and my father was sitting on his chair reading his newspaper. . My mum mother was not here as she left, with her horse, to get loaf(are you talking about bread? bit specific)  as us villagers had no shops nearby .

Our maid had My girlfriendserved my dad tea.
“How bout add some sugar, will ya”?, (reword) my dad asked.
My girlfriend added sugar to his tea, then left with a smile on her face. She gave me a wink then I did my role (what does this mean?).
“Want some biscuits?” I asked.
“Sure,” he responded. weird transition, you didn't make it clear if you're talking to your dad or your girlfriend
My dad munched on the biscuits and then immediately passed away ( how are you sure he passed away immediately? what you should have added are the events leading up to him passing out, like choking/coughing/looking pale etc.. Our maid had mixed some chemicals which made my father unconscious for a week (you just said he passed away, and now you wrote he was unconscious? did you mean to write he passed out?) . I was drowning in happiness, my mum was coming next week and my father was unconscious, my maid and I chilled alone at home. very very confused now. you were drowning in happiness because why? that your mum is coming next week AND your father is unconscious? i thought your father dying was something that was on your worst week of your life?

We watched black and white television together (don't really need to mention black and white), she did not have to do work and we had no interruptions. Life was perfect, until we visited the haunted house nearby. She insisted to go, I did not mind either, so we went. Little had we known of your unexpected deadly journey ahead of us. What? So your father is in a coma and then you carry on in your life? Kinda confused on why you brought up a haunted house

I'm stopping here. I'm marking you more on your creativity as opposed to your grammar, and as of now, your transitions have been unorthodox

I love that you don't give up on your aspirations to attend a selective school, however, I've noticed a pattern with your creative essays - they just don't make any sense. Your transitions are confusing to the point where I can not even imagine what's going on in my head.

Please, spend time planning before you commence writing.
Don't give up, you still have plenty of time
(BTW by no means am I insinuating that this is a bad essay, I'm just saying that it's evident you didn't plan clearly)

Sorry lol,he didn’t pass away.Typo.
They go to the haunted house because the guy was immature then and stuff happen in the haunted house which (hopefully) explains stuff lol
It was meant to be a thriller story lol,the maid accidently mixed poison instead,the statue gives info.
For creative essays,I probably should stick with one scene lol
My bad

[GodNifty]

Sorry lol,he didn’t pass away.Typo.
They go to the haunted house because the guy was immature then and stuff happen in the haunted house which (hopefully) explains stuff lol
It was meant to be a thriller story lol,the maid accidently mixed poison instead,the statue gives info.
For creative essays,I probably should stick with one scene lol
My bad

All good man, you learn as you go and it's great you are identifying your mistakes

[ProbotMelbourne]

Persuasive essay I wrote.Tried to make it a bit ‘different’ from my other ones.NOTE:Took over 30 mins,it was untimed.btw,I used a bit of ‘us’,idk why I did it,it sounded more persuasive
Topic:Parents have no rights to control their child’s life who is at 16 or over 16.

We see adolescents in today’s era as people who hardly stay home and stay with their friends outside, but do we really know what they are doing? Parents need to control their child’s life as the child can lead to a prosperous and happy life. The parent also needs to monitor their child to prevent him/her from doing drugs.The parent also needs to prevent their child from doing thefts or terrorist attacks.

First and foremost, parents should control their child’s life so the child leads to a happy and prosperous life.Many children drop out at year ten so they can relax and not study in the future. The child can just keep spending their parents money and have not much knowledge. They would have to do jobs in the future such as pushing trolleys, cleaning toilets and even being jobless. But If a parent is closely monitoring their life, they can force their child to do further studies. Those further studies will most likely make the child do a good job that gives good money. More money leads to living a prosperous life and not having to suffer at old age because of money issues. Money also leads you to having your dream house built so one can be happy. With this in mind, parents should control their child’s life even if they are over sixteen so the child can lead to having a great job and leading to a happy and prosperous life.

In addition, a parent should monitor their child’s life so the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs. Many adolescents are curious about drugs. That ask themselves many questions,such as ‘what are drugs’?,’why are they addicting’?, or even ‘I should try them out’. Once an adolescent has tried a drug,they become addicted to the drug,which also leads to them to dying at a early age? Who wants to die at a early age? Drugs also lead to waste of money as many drugs are expensive and people are constantly buying them.Take cigarettes for example,many people are buying them everyday,and a 24 pack cigarette is over $150.If any person buys them for 10 years,a 24 pack per week it would lead to a massive $7800 gone in waste. All of this would not happen if the parent warns the child to not take drugs. If the child still wants drugs, the parents can ground them. This means that the child will eventually stop thinking about drugs. A parent can change an adolescent’s life. Hence, parents have the right to control their child’s life as the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs.

Finally,parents can prevent their child from doing a terrorism attack or theft. Take a moment and think, have you seen a teenage group doing something dodgy while you were walking down the pathway or walking out of a  shopping centre? Well,most of us have. Many adolescents are doing some thefts and even terrorism attacks. Believe it or not,young  sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack. Many people wonder ‘why do they do it’?Or ‘what do they get from it’. But no one asks the main question, why are not their parents stopping them from doing these attacks or thefts? This is because the parent thinks its acceptable for adolescebts to do whatever they want at the age of sixteen. However,if the parent closely monitors their child and prevents the child from meeting the ‘bad’ kids who do these thefts with him,this world would have a much less crime rate. Therefore, parents need to control their child’s life so the child does not do a terrorist attack or theft.

Many people argue that some parents are too strict and they basically choose a life for their child. However, the child  obviously has a right to talk if the parent is planning too choose their life partner for him/her without permission. That is way too extreme. Strict parents can also change their child’s life for the better. No parent would want their child to be sad or homeless. Hence, parents can be too strict but they usually do it for the better.

To conclude, parents should have control over their child’s life even if the child is 16 or over as it leads to having a prosperous and happy life. If parents control their child’s life,it also prevents the child from doing drugs. It even prohibits their child from doing terrorist attacks or thefts.

[GodNifty]

NOTE: Do not use personal pronouns in your essays. Ever.

Topic:Parents have no rights to control their child’s life who is at 16 or over 16.

We see adolescents in today’s era as people who hardly stay home and stay with their friends outside (based off what?), but do we really know what they are doing? Parents need to control their child’s life as the child can lead to a prosperous and happy life (pretty vague). The parent also needs to monitor their child to prevent him/her from doing drugs (how? give an outline).The parent also needs to prevent their child from doing thefts or terrorist attacks. (...seriously?)

First and foremost, parents should control their child’s life so the child leads to a happy and prosperous life.Many children drop out at year ten so they can relax and not study in the future is this anecdotal? where are you getting this from?. The child can just keep spending their parents money and have not much knowledge too vague. They would have to do jobs in the future such as pushing trolleys, cleaning toilets and even being jobless (why are you disparaging trolley pushers and toilet cleaners? are you saying that 'dropouts' resolve to work as them? these are real jobs!). But If a parent is closely monitoring their life, they can force their child to do further studies. Those further studies will most likely make the child do a good job that gives good money (example...). More money leads to living a prosperous life and not having to suffer at old age because of money issues (bad argument, does money buy happiness?). Money also leads you to having your dream house built so one can be happy (Not a good point at all). With this in mind, parents should control their child’s life even if they are over sixteen so the child can lead to having a great job and leading to a happy and prosperous life.  (you need to stop regurgitating what you wrote before into your conclusion. word it differently next time)

In addition, a parent should monitor their child’s life so the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs. Many adolescents are curious about drugs (proof?). That ask themselves many questions,such as ‘what are drugs’?,’why are they addicting’?, or even ‘I should try them out’. Once an adolescent has tried a drug,they become addicted to the drug ((give me an example!!! you're acting as if any adolescent that has tried a drug for the first time is hooked instantly), which also leads to them to dying at a early age? Who wants to die at a early age?(don't include this) Drugs also lead to waste of money as many drugs are expensive and people are constantly buying them.Take cigarettes for example,many people are buying them everyday ((again, where are you getting this?),and a 24 pack cigarette is over $150.If any person buys them for 10 years,a 24 pack per week it would lead to a massive $7800 gone in waste. All of this would not happen if the parent warns the child to not take drugs (super weak, where's the emphasis in this phrasing?). If the child still wants drugs, the parents can ground them (you really think grounding them works 100% of the time?). This means that the child will eventually stop thinking about drugs (What??? Are you sure?). A parent can change an adolescent’s life. Hence, parents have the right to control their child’s life as the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs.

Finally,parents can prevent their child from doing a terrorism attack or theft. (come on man, seriously?) Take a moment and think, have you seen a teenage group doing something dodgy while you were walking down the pathway or walking out of a  shopping centre? Well,most of us have. Many adolescents are doing some thefts and even terrorism attacks. Believe it or not,young  sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack. Many people wonder ‘why do they do it’?Or ‘what do they get from it’. But no one asks the main question, why are not their parents stopping them from doing these attacks or thefts? This is because the parent thinks its acceptable for adolescebts to do whatever they want at the age of sixteen. However,if the parent closely monitors their child and prevents the child from meeting the ‘bad’ kids who do these thefts with him,this world would have a much less crime rate. Therefore, parents need to control their child’s life so the child does not do a terrorist attack or theft. I'm sorry, but at this stage, your points are getting comical instead of persuasive. Just read this point for yourself 'Believe it or not,young  sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack.'

Many people argue that some parents are too strict and they basically choose a life for their child. However, the child  obviously has a right to talk if the parent is planning too choose their life partner for him/her without permission. That is way too extreme. Strict parents can also change their child’s life for the better. No parent would want their child to be sad or homeless. Hence, parents can be too strict but they usually do it for the better.

To conclude, parents should have control over their child’s life even if the child is 16 or over as it leads to having a prosperous and happy life. If parents control their child’s life,it also prevents the child from doing drugs. It even prohibits their child from doing terrorist attacks or thefts.


- Minor improvements from last time.
- Did you plan your last point out? It was not good at all. Really man? 16 year olds planning terrorist attacks instead of studying?
- STOP making your essays based on your thoughts man, use facts.
- Next time, plan out your essay, AND THEN ask yourself whether it's logical or not

[ProbotMelbourne]

NOTE: Do not use personal pronouns in your essays. Ever.

Topic:Parents have no rights to control their child’s life who is at 16 or over 16.

We see adolescents in today’s era as people who hardly stay home and stay with their friends outside (based off what?), but do we really know what they are doing? Parents need to control their child’s life as the child can lead to a prosperous and happy life (pretty vague). The parent also needs to monitor their child to prevent him/her from doing drugs (how? give an outline).The parent also needs to prevent their child from doing thefts or terrorist attacks. (...seriously?)

First and foremost, parents should control their child’s life so the child leads to a happy and prosperous life.Many children drop out at year ten so they can relax and not study in the future is this anecdotal? where are you getting this from?. The child can just keep spending their parents money and have not much knowledge too vague. They would have to do jobs in the future such as pushing trolleys, cleaning toilets and even being jobless (why are you disparaging trolley pushers and toilet cleaners? are you saying that 'dropouts' resolve to work as them? these are real jobs!). But If a parent is closely monitoring their life, they can force their child to do further studies. Those further studies will most likely make the child do a good job that gives good money (example...). More money leads to living a prosperous life and not having to suffer at old age because of money issues (bad argument, does money buy happiness?). Money also leads you to having your dream house built so one can be happy (Not a good point at all). With this in mind, parents should control their child’s life even if they are over sixteen so the child can lead to having a great job and leading to a happy and prosperous life.  (you need to stop regurgitating what you wrote before into your conclusion. word it differently next time)

In addition, a parent should monitor their child’s life so the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs. Many adolescents are curious about drugs (proof?). That ask themselves many questions,such as ‘what are drugs’?,’why are they addicting’?, or even ‘I should try them out’. Once an adolescent has tried a drug,they become addicted to the drug ((give me an example!!! you're acting as if any adolescent that has tried a drug for the first time is hooked instantly), which also leads to them to dying at a early age? Who wants to die at a early age?(don't include this) Drugs also lead to waste of money as many drugs are expensive and people are constantly buying them.Take cigarettes for example,many people are buying them everyday ((again, where are you getting this?),and a 24 pack cigarette is over $150.If any person buys them for 10 years,a 24 pack per week it would lead to a massive $7800 gone in waste. All of this would not happen if the parent warns the child to not take drugs (super weak, where's the emphasis in this phrasing?). If the child still wants drugs, the parents can ground them (you really think grounding them works 100% of the time?). This means that the child will eventually stop thinking about drugs (What??? Are you sure?). A parent can change an adolescent’s life. Hence, parents have the right to control their child’s life as the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs.

Finally,parents can prevent their child from doing a terrorism attack or theft. (come on man, seriously?) Take a moment and think, have you seen a teenage group doing something dodgy while you were walking down the pathway or walking out of a  shopping centre? Well,most of us have. Many adolescents are doing some thefts and even terrorism attacks. Believe it or not,young  sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack. Many people wonder ‘why do they do it’?Or ‘what do they get from it’. But no one asks the main question, why are not their parents stopping them from doing these attacks or thefts? This is because the parent thinks its acceptable for adolescebts to do whatever they want at the age of sixteen. However,if the parent closely monitors their child and prevents the child from meeting the ‘bad’ kids who do these thefts with him,this world would have a much less crime rate. Therefore, parents need to control their child’s life so the child does not do a terrorist attack or theft. I'm sorry, but at this stage, your points are getting comical instead of persuasive. Just read this point for yourself 'Believe it or not,young  sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack.'

Many people argue that some parents are too strict and they basically choose a life for their child. However, the child  obviously has a right to talk if the parent is planning too choose their life partner for him/her without permission. That is way too extreme. Strict parents can also change their child’s life for the better. No parent would want their child to be sad or homeless. Hence, parents can be too strict but they usually do it for the better.

To conclude, parents should have control over their child’s life even if the child is 16 or over as it leads to having a prosperous and happy life. If parents control their child’s life,it also prevents the child from doing drugs. It even prohibits their child from doing terrorist attacks or thefts.


- Minor improvements from last time.
- Did you plan your last point out? It was not good at all. Really man? 16 year olds planning terrorist attacks instead of studying?
- STOP making your essays based on your thoughts man, use facts.
- Next time, plan out your essay, AND THEN ask yourself whether it's logical or not

First of all,thanks for marking.
I couldn’t think of any better arguments for this topic, I planned this
How would I use facts,I don’t have any prior knowledge about the topic, I tried not to use any ‘fake statistics’ like 50% of adolescents are not studying(not true)
I can use facts if i was allowed to use the net
I shouldntve said the trolley pushers and toilet cleaners,my bad.
I’ll try to make my arguments stronger next time,that was the best that my mind can think of.

[ProbotMelbourne]

Hi guys! I wrote this creative essay with the feedback you guys gave, not doing some stuff that do not make sense.So, thanks for the feeedback. I feel like this one was my best one so far, but before this,I looked up for some show not tells(lol).This was around 17-20 minutes but make that 30 since I’ll keep editing it while I’m copying it here from my book.
Topic:The picture of a old wooden house(FIRST picture topic btw)

I have paraskevidekatriphobia, and today was Friday the 13th. My home was soon being demolished, but I did not expect that the day would come this fast. I stare at my house,the crooked door and the plain bricks are a reason why this house is so unique. I bolt towards the house, and slam the door open. The black door and the wooden floor which I broke my arm on, even the execrable things were becoming great memories.

Why has my house become obsolete? Modern double story homes are taking over the world, but that does not mean anyone has permission to destroy this house. Tears streamed down my face as I lied down on the bed I slept for seventy one years.

The marvellous window with spiderwebs on it,oh this house will be remembered forever. The voice of the wrecking ball made me soon realise that I had to soon bid farewell to this ancient house. As I amble out of this exceptional house, I forget one last thing. My photo.

I dash to grab my photo from the bed. I hug it as tight as I can,wiping my tears from my eyes. I stare at the photo with despair. My late mother,my late father and I,what a lovely picture I thought.

The sadness drained me through rather than skating over my skin,it travelled through every cell of my body.

I reach outside,hugging my favourite pole. It was time, for the house to be destroyed. The gentle scent of the roses kindled memories of summer gone from the hit of a wrecking ball. How would you feel if your home got destroyed?

I have one big problem guys btw,my tense.I changed it while I was editing, but I hope it doesn’t flicker from past to present every time. Thanks for reading

[The Progenitor]

Hi guys! I wrote this creative essay with the feedback you guys gave, not doing some stuff that do not make sense.So, thanks for the feeedback. I feel like this one was my best one so far, but before this,I looked up for some show not tells(lol).This was around 17-20 minutes but make that 30 since I’ll keep editing it while I’m copying it here from my book.
Topic:The picture of a old wooden house(FIRST picture topic btw)

I have paraskevidekatriphobia, and today was Friday the 13th.  Don't use unnecessary and plain awkward words like this, the examiner will not search up the word and will just assume you must have made up some random gibberish and called it a phobia. They will not know this connects to the day that you are talking about. Literally just write something like I have a fear of the 13th of Friday, and it just so happens that today is Friday the 13th. My home was soon being demolished, but I did not expect that the day would come this fast. I stare at my house,the crooked door and the plain bricks are a reason why this house is so unique. I bolt towards the house, and slam the door open. The black door and the wooden floor which I broke my arm on, even the execrable things were becoming great memories. I looked at the old, black door and the mahogany colored wooden floor, which I had once broke my arm on. At this moment, I had realised that even the most insignificant and execrable moments are becoming cherished wholeheartedly. Like an elderly couple living their last years with each other as much as they can.

Decent paragraph, needs more description. The test needs more showing and less telling. Usually I'd slot in personification + metaphors as much as I can to score bonus marks for sentences. Also don't use paraskevidekatriphobia, no assessor will know what it means nor will they search it up. Just don't use it.

Why has my house become obsolete? Modern double story homes are taking over the world, but that does not mean anyone has permission to destroy this house. Tears streamed down my face as I lied down on the bed I have slept for on for not just for seventy one years. Yeah why do they have permission to destroy your house? Isn't that illegal? Please explain more into why they have permission to destroy your house, in contrast to writing a plot hole.

The marvellous window with spiderwebs on it, oh this house will be remembered forever. The voice of the wrecking ball made me soon realise that I had to soon bid farewell to this ancient house. As I amble out of this exceptional house, I forget one last thing. My photo.

I dash to grab my photo from the bed. I hug it as tight as I can,wiping my tears from my eyes. I stare at the photo with despair. My late mother,my late father and I, My late mother, father and I.what a lovely picture I thought.

The sadness drained me through rather than skating over my skin,it travelled through every cell of my body. Add this onto the previous paragraph or paragraph ahead. A one sentence para is not structurally appropriate.

I reach outside,hugging my favourite pole. Pole? Really? Pick anything but a pole, even tree sounds better.It was time, for the house to be destroyed. Say my house, adds a little bit more of emotion The gentle scent of the roses kindled memories of summer gone from the hit of a wrecking ball. Nice sentence, I'd suggest adding on a metaphor if you have time, it makes it 2x better. How would you feel if your home got destroyed?I don't like rhetorical questions, they are usually weak and you never want to talk to your reader in this piece, they are invisible spectators in a way.

I have one big problem guys btw,my tense.I changed it while I was editing, but I hope it doesn’t flicker from past to present every time. Thanks for readingAlways write in past tense in these 15 minute essays, its just so much easier and better sounding. Try to learn this habit.

There are some improvements needed in your writing. Although there were less grammatical errors as the previous essay I marked, there are just misfitted words or phrases everywhere in your writing. It's fine, it used to happen often for me too. I'd suggest re-reading each sentence and think does that word/phrase belong there? The essay itself had some description, but not enough to stand out. It's more of a showing and less of a telling type of essay you are trying to write. It leaves more of an impression on the assessors. I've also noticed the flow and paragraph structure is all over the place. Keep around 4 nice balanced paragraphs and flow your essay accordingly. From intro, initiation, climax and conclusion.

Keep writing, it will improve over time. I didn't correct all the grammar issues and stuff too btw.

EDIT: I didn't notice that you hadn't even asked for feedback on this essay. My bad. I was a little stubborn and took it upon myself to mark it. Apologies.

[ProbotMelbourne]

Hi guys! I wrote this creative essay with the feedback you guys gave, not doing some stuff that do not make sense.So, thanks for the feeedback. I feel like this one was my best one so far, but before this,I looked up for some show not tells(lol).This was around 17-20 minutes but make that 30 since I’ll keep editing it while I’m copying it here from my book.
Topic:The picture of a old wooden house(FIRST picture topic btw)

I have paraskevidekatriphobia, and today was Friday the 13th.  Don't use unnecessary and plain awkward words like this, the examiner will not search up the word and will just assume you must have made up some random gibberish and called it a phobia. They will not know this connects to the day that you are talking about. Literally just write something like I have a fear of the 13th of Friday, and it just so happens that today is Friday the 13th. My home was soon being demolished, but I did not expect that the day would come this fast. I stare at my house,the crooked door and the plain bricks are a reason why this house is so unique. I bolt towards the house, and slam the door open. The black door and the wooden floor which I broke my arm on, even the execrable things were becoming great memories. I looked at the old, black door and the mahogany colored wooden floor, which I had once broke my arm on. At this moment, I had realised that even the most insignificant and execrable moments are becoming cherished wholeheartedly. Like an elderly couple living their last years with each other as much as they can.

Decent paragraph, needs more description. The test needs more showing and less telling. Usually I'd slot in personification + metaphors as much as I can to score bonus marks for sentences. Also don't use paraskevidekatriphobia, no assessor will know what it means nor will they search it up. Just don't use it.

Why has my house become obsolete? Modern double story homes are taking over the world, but that does not mean anyone has permission to destroy this house. Tears streamed down my face as I lied down on the bed I have slept for on for not just for seventy one years. Yeah why do they have permission to destroy your house? Isn't that illegal? Please explain more into why they have permission to destroy your house, in contrast to writing a plot hole.

The marvellous window with spiderwebs on it, oh this house will be remembered forever. The voice of the wrecking ball made me soon realise that I had to soon bid farewell to this ancient house. As I amble out of this exceptional house, I forget one last thing. My photo.

I dash to grab my photo from the bed. I hug it as tight as I can,wiping my tears from my eyes. I stare at the photo with despair. My late mother,my late father and I, My late mother, father and I.what a lovely picture I thought.

The sadness drained me through rather than skating over my skin,it travelled through every cell of my body. Add this onto the previous paragraph or paragraph ahead. A one sentence para is not structurally appropriate.

I reach outside,hugging my favourite pole. Pole? Really? Pick anything but a pole, even tree sounds better.It was time, for the house to be destroyed. Say my house, adds a little bit more of emotion The gentle scent of the roses kindled memories of summer gone from the hit of a wrecking ball. Nice sentence, I'd suggest adding on a metaphor if you have time, it makes it 2x better. How would you feel if your home got destroyed?I don't like rhetorical questions, they are usually weak and you never want to talk to your reader in this piece, they are invisible spectators in a way.

I have one big problem guys btw,my tense.I changed it while I was editing, but I hope it doesn’t flicker from past to present every time. Thanks for readingAlways write in past tense in these 15 minute essays, its just so much easier and better sounding. Try to learn this habit.

There are some improvements needed in your writing. Although there were less grammatical errors as the previous essay I marked, there are just misfitted words or phrases everywhere in your writing. It's fine, it used to happen often for me too. I'd suggest re-reading each sentence and think does that word/phrase belong there? The essay itself had some description, but not enough to stand out. It's more of a showing and less of a telling type of essay you are trying to write. It leaves more of an impression on the assessors. I've also noticed the flow and paragraph structure is all over the place. Keep around 4 nice balanced paragraphs and flow your essay accordingly. From intro, initiation, climax and conclusion.

Keep writing, it will improve over time. I didn't correct all the grammar issues and stuff too btw.

EDIT: I didn't notice that you hadn't even asked for feedback on this essay. My bad. I was a little stubborn and took it upon myself to mark it. Apologies.

Thanks for the feedback,much appreciated!!

[The Progenitor]

Happy to help.

[ProbotMelbourne]

Happy to help.

Btw,I found this website which apparently accurately matches the selective entry tests,I’ll post a link. You should try em out.
http://derozaedr.com.au/free-sample-tests/

[The Progenitor]

Thanks, I'll look into it later.

[ProbotMelbourne]

Hi guys,one of my shorter pieces,tried to add more description.I keep a book for replacing sentences(if that makes sense),feedback would be appreciated. The topic was also easier btw
Topic-lost at sea

I was floundering in a sea of divine-blue quicklime and there was no escape. The rapid waves constantly went up and down as they were dancing. The birds were no where to be seen, or heard. I was all alone.

I tried to swim backstroke, but my face soon became red and puffed out. I stayed alive by treading water persistently. My eyes stared like ice to the moon, it was soon going to be sunrise. There was no one to accompany me, not even the wind which howls and screeches past my ears.

Just when I had though there was nothing which could save me, there it came, a boat. It pitched and rolled like a frantic child thrashing about in the waters of the choppy sea. I swam towards there, a sense of hope electrocuted my mind like a lightbulb. I finally approached to the brown boat, my heartbeat thumping continually. I asked the sailors for a seat in their tiny boat, and they said yes like a bee saying yes to enter a hive.

After being stuck in the sea for a hour, some helpful sailors lead their hand out to help me. We chat and ate, then we crashed at shore. I desperately ran out to feel the sand,like a toddler running to the playground. The sand felt like smooth fur, I spread it throughout my body. I was glad to be back at the beach.

Thanks for reading.