Post by: brenden on March 08, 2015, 12:23:06 pm
Hey everyone!! Welcome to the English Advanced Module Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your Advanced module essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)
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Post away, and happy studies!! ;D ;D
Post by: EarthSci34 on March 08, 2015, 12:52:34 pm
Attached below is a copy of my Advanced English essay- details are specified within the document.
Thank you so much and this is a very big help!!!!
:)
Post by: brenden on March 09, 2015, 01:12:49 pm
So just a few things to note here in terms of language.
Firstly, and most simply, is “sought to encapsulate”. – Try not to talk about the text in the past tense. You’ll notice that as you avoid this, your writing begins to become punchier. I.e, “The Crucible encapsulates the failure of…” is an improvement on what’s there at the moment.
The second and third thing is sort of intertwined but worth noting separately for your consideration. The sentence is far, far too long, and it is also slightly convoluted because of all the “big” words. I mean, count the syllables in that sentence - huge quantities! I mean, the words you’re using are really nice and a reader can see you know what you’re saying, but are your choices as an author achieving the maximum impact for the reader? At the moment, I don’t believe so – because there are so many ‘nice’ words that they detract from each other… if you had less ‘nice’ words, you’d give the remaining ‘nice’ words more time to shine if that makes sense.
As for the length - yep, too long. A good rule of thumb is that a sentence shouldn’t exceed 40 words unless you’re supremely confident that it must exceed that amount in order for the sentence to be maximally valuable. It’s good to have a punchy introduction, but 60 words in one sentence for the whole thing? It would be better to spend more words on using more sentences and breaking up the material for your reader.
As far as actual clarity goes: I’m not sure it’s 100% clear what you’re saying with reference to America. Whilst I haven’t read the entire essay yet, I know you discuss both McCarthyism and Islamaphobia. Which, then, demoralised society are you referencing? I’d perhaps slow down the introduction and be slightly more specific so you can later explain your choices more effectively.
Miller’s own involvement with the ‘Red Scare’ by Senator McCarthy in the 1950s led to the creation of ‘The Crucible’ and acted as a metacommentary on the social upheaval and abandonment of well-established values at the time. On the note of "tense" as I mentioned before... I would say, "led to the creation" (past tense, which is fine, because you're making historical claims), but then I would say..."'The Crucible', which acts as a metacommentary" -- also, you don't need the inverted commas around "The Crucible", as it has been written in italics (and has previously been written in italics and without the italics - important to keep consistency)The ‘Red Scare’ acted as a medium for the protection of individuals and the retaliation of long seated grudges towards other members of the community. The Salem Witch Hunts of 1692 and McCarthyism of 1950’s United States are remarkably similar by the lack of genuine justice served in both instances and accentuate the power dynamics evident within society.
So, I have highlighted in red the things I believe require some 'extrapoloation'. The 'Red Scare' sentence seems too foggy. Like in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, when Harry loks through the pensieve to see Slughorn's memory of Voldemort, but because Slughorn had try to destroy the memory it looks 'foggy', even though Harry knows there's something really good behind the fog. That's what the sentence is like -- what do you mean "medium for the protection of individuals?", what do you mean about retaliation for long-seated grudges? You don't necessarily need more words in this sentence - rather, you need different words that achieve your aims more effectively. You're right (as you know) that McCarthyism and the SWHunts are very similar, but I don't think you precisely accentuate why their are similar in a wholesome, non-generalised sense. That brings me to 'power dynamics'. I mean, I know this section will be important to when you being to talk about your design, because these are the things -- the power dynamics, the bureaucracy -- that are really relevant. Because of that, you want to make sure these are the things that are really accurately delivered in your essay! In essence, I think you assume too much of the reader in this paragraph, and you need to give them just a little more.
Drawing upon a multiplicity of discourses and inference to the multifaceted nature of politics --- It makes grammatical sense, but again, sentences like this feel overwhelming to the reader. I mean, it's still a really good sentence, I see what you're saying, but it just takes effort to read, which is normally a sign that revision would be beneficial. I mean, is talking about 'inference' completely necessary in order for you to convey the requisite meaning? (I am, of course, being absurdly nitpicky), I have chosen to represent the First Scene as you are capitalising, it may have been more appropriate to say "I have chosen to represent Scene One" of ‘The Crucible’ Again, just use italics. (Or underlining when handwriting). and translating it to Grammar needs revision. Send me a personal message if you don't see the grammatical mistake, but I think you'll notice it after your read it again.a 21st Century context through the vilification of Muslims preceding the events of the 9/11 bombings I think a stronger case could be made for the vilifcation of Muslims after the 9/11 bombing, but this is a very clear, good idea. It hits the second dot point of the criteria quite well (as I can only assume you will keep discussing this) . Change of attitudes towards Muslims after these attacks became evident slightly messy clause that could be made punchier -- "were" would be a direct replacement for "became", but you could say that "These attacks provoked a radical attitudinal shift regarding the Muslim community" or something along those lines. , perpetuating fear and prejudice towards a religious group with differences to Western ideologies. Fuelled by similar anxieties that 1692 inhabitants of Salem had towards witchcraft and the outcasts of society that blew out of proportion, recent events such as the War on Terror
The recent rendition of The Crucible preformed at Bella Vista Farms was substantial for my choice of creative elements incorporated within my modern interpretation. Although relatively simplethis sounds like an insult (and in general, evaluative phrases/offering your opinion on quality of some thing or another isn't particularly useful or necessary), the stage director was successful in the manipulation of lighting and sounds in the first scene that was notable for its effect to foreshadow the destructive events to come. Darkness was prominent in first scene, aside from the focus on Betty and Reverend Parris, emphasising the absence of reason and light that
Extending that notion into a 21st century context, the first scene of my rendition is an establishing shot of the American Flag with the Twin-Towers burning vigorously from the terrorist attacks. Good first sentence and transition from discussing the play you saw, to beginning to discuss how it impacted your choices (requisite point 2 for your reflection).This presents to the responder a provoking image of violence and destruction. Following that, a tracking shot of the Twin-Towers is presented to the viewer, emphasising the sense of despair that is seen in the first shot. Subsequently, the focus then changes to a television screen, with images of the Twin-Towers’ destruction and, underneath, in red capital and threatening letters ‘AL-QUEADA TERRORISTS IN AN ACT OF WAR’. This reinforces the involvement of an Islamic terrorist organisation in the demise of many Americans. A dolly-shot follows this confronting shot- showing a hospital waiting room surrounded by darkness apart from the light emanating from the television set. The light of the television emphasises the confused and worried look of a man in the waiting room. The pervasive presence of the television mimics the lack of light within the original play- where the truth is constricted to individual and often confusing sources awesome. This asserts the all-encompassing power of the media, which is an extension of politics, that is able to alter public interpretations of the political act of war. In the following scene, a nurse directs the man to a dying woman, who is heavily injured from the attacks, which reiterates the devastating effects of the bombing to the wider audience. The focus is then changed to a newspaper, where the perpetuation of hatred towards the Muslims is substantiated to pictures of public protests about Islam- foreshadowing the incoming injustices to proceed from bigotry and fanaticism. Your adaption sounds so cool lol. So, I'm looking at the... "In your reflection you should consider" section of your criteria, which is what you're (presumably) aiming to satisfy in this paragraph and the past one. If that is indeed the case, then I would perhaps more directly make comparisons between your discussion of your own interpretation and how it has been impacted by your viewing of the play etc. I.e, something similar to........ " I have manipulated x stagecraft in y way, which is at least partially as a result of Director Y's decision to X in the Z production of the play". I feel like this would more conclusively hit the criteria (the first dot point - hitting all areas of the assessment, particularly as this is your last paragraph, I feel it would be particularly beneficial to really blatantly demonstrate how well you're hitting the criteria with those comparisons. Be like a peacock).
Conclusively Odd word choice, perhaps a mistake? "Conclusively" isn't synonymous with "in conclusion". I would have gone with "Ultimately" rather than "conclusively"., my adaption of ‘The Crucible’ in a 21st century context effectively uses a range of images and camera techniques to highlight political manipulation of truth in a wider society Great sentence!! See, "political manipulation of truth in a wider society" has some of those "bigger/fancier" words - but all of them shine! Rather than something like " political manipulation of the heteronormative and presumptious nature inherent to the bourgeois and their assumptions about truth in a wider society". That's what I mean. The second one is like "woah. too much", but the first one shines like a diamond. Hopefully that conclusively illustrates my aforementioned issues with your language choices. . This allows American politicians to extirpateextirpate might be an extremely strong word? demonise, yes. but completel eradicate seems like an overreach. Islam and ‘spread democracy’ throughout the world. The evident demonization of Muslims allows American politicians a sustained reason for a global military agenda, and subsequently increases its influence internationally. Similar to Danforth’s repressive exploitation of a theocratic government where religious ideology is inflexibly applied, America’s reaction to the 9/11 terrorist attacks castigates Muslims, both innocent and otherwise, and underhandedly causes grief and undermines the true notion of ‘justice’.
Cool. Clear concepts. Quite well written. Like, really well written (but imperfect). Basically all of my feedback is contained within, let me know if you have any other questions :).
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Post by: ch2831 on June 15, 2015, 11:35:47 am
Post by: brenden on June 15, 2015, 12:14:55 pm
Hey Brenden,Hey ameliagrace! Wow, you've done an awesome job! :D Thanks for providing the criteria, that was super convenient. I'm going to slaughter this, but don't be intimidated by all the feeedback. There's not that much to change, I'm just trying to explain to you why I'm giving points of feedback, which is why there's so much.
I was wondering if you'd just be able to take a look at my introduction and first paragraph, and give me some feedback on the clarity of the arguments introduced, and their relevance to the marking criteria. If possible it would be great to make my argument more concise due to the 1000 word limit, but any feedback would be useful - go your hardest!
For the top band:
• Explores how Brave New World and a related text represent people and politics in unique and evocative ways
• Explores skilfully the relationship between representation and meaning
• Composes a skilful personal response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
Thanks!
And by the way, if anyone else wants their essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
All representations of an apparent truth are subject to manipulation by the perspective’s of those responsible for its production. Okay. Cool. I like this as an opening sentence because it’s interesting. Many people will just jump right into talking about BNW; however, this sentence does an awesome job of a) showing that you will hit the criteria, and b) not boring your assessor to death. So, I like the aim of the sentence, but I take slight objection to its execution... It’s just a bit “twisty-turny” on a grammatical level, so I feel like it’s not as clear and as punchy as it could be. For example, the way I interpret the meaning within this sentence is, “There are inaccuracies in all representations of truth because people only represent manipulated versions of the truth.” Now, I know the sentence I just gave is very ugly. However, it’s BLUNT. It’s blunt af. And because it’s blunt, after reading the sentence just once, you know what the writer is trying to say. However, I could do this with your sentence, because the information I required as a reader was not given to me in the correct order. Check the end of your sentence – “the perspective of those responsible for its production”. Here, you tell me WHOSE perspective you’re talking about LAST. Also, notice that you say “manipulation by the perspectives”… however, it’s not necessarily the perspectives doing the manipulating. It’s the people WITH the perspectives doing the manipulating. Also, “representations… subject to manipulation…” – why not just say “are manipulated”? So basically, there needs to be a bit more grammatical precision in this first sentence in order for me to go “WOW”. The meaning is brilliant, but I need the meaning to be both brilliant and immediately obvious. I might revise this sentence to something like, “Truth is often presented categorically; however, it seems that the truth can be represented in sometimes contradictory ways, depending on from whose perspective the truth was told”. – obviously, this sentence is also a little bit twisty-turny, but I think it’s much clearer to the reader, even though it might lack the ‘zazz’ that your sentence was going for. This notion, explored by de Beauvior, is clearly evident in the novel Brave New World (1932), written by Aldous Huxley, and political documentary Bowling for Columbine (2002), produced by Michael Moore, where personal political perspectives are used to explore unique and evocative interpretations pertaining to political situations of their time. Cool. The second half of this sentence (where you aren’t just introducing authors blablabla) is good. Obviously directly hits the criteria through using the same keywords (evocative and unique), which I don’t mind at all. I appreciate the clarity. This sentence is fine but could be improved by having punchier expression. “…is clearly evident in the novel BNW”, could be something like “BNW exemplifies this notion”. Notice how much punchier ‘BNW exemplifies this notion’ sounds. (Obviously, that would change the rest of your sentence, so let’s see how we could change things around). “Written by Aldous Huxley” could definitely be punchier as well. So… perhaps something like… “Both Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) and Michael Moore’s political documentary Bowling for Columbine (2002) exemplify this notion, utilizing their own political perspectives to create unique and evocative interpretations of their time’s political situation”. Now, I know this leaves out de Beauvoir. Maybe she comes in through a second sentence, or maybe my revise sentence can be further revised. Basically, what I’m trying to show you is how my revised sentence seems more ‘fluent’ because it removes the ‘clunk’ from yours, but still keeps that awesome meaning in the second half of the sentence. How have I done this? Firstly, I’ve favoured ‘es’ over ‘ed’. So, the difference between “explored” and “explores”. Keep this tip in mind, because it’s very easy to use the active version of the word instead. I’ve also obviously written possession into the name of the author, rather than saying ‘written by’ or ‘produced by’. I like this a lot better because it sounds punchier, but sometimes you’ll want to say “produced by” for a specific purpose, so that’s definitely an option as well. Also notice that I’ve used “exemplify…, utilizing”. This is a common pattern. Just use a verb, (exemplify), then follow it up with a comma and another verb with ‘ing’ on the end – “utilizing”. This has the same ‘punchy’ feel as just writing “-es” over “-ed”. IN SUMMARY: great sentence, but you can use some easy tips to clean up the expression and make it really impressive. In both texts, this notion can be explored on two levels - explicitly within the text’s plot and implicitly within the construction of the text itself. Cool! I love the distinction that you’ve made and the idea in general. Notice that the tip I just spoke about can be applied again here, and be “Both texts explore this notion in two ways: explicitly within the text’s plot, and implicitly within the construction of the text itself”. All I’ve done is tried to find a way to write “explore” instead of “explored”, and it forced me to make the sentence sound a bit nicer. Through the medium of production, textual form, perspective and use of language I would put a comma here for the sake of clarity the composers reveal their political motivations, which impact the representation of the subject and consequently influence the way in which the audience perceives meaning. This is an interesting sentence, because you’re writing about the criteria, and generally writing about the task – talking about representation and so on – but you don’t actually offer any information about what their political motivations might be, or how the representation of the subject is actually impacted… So, I think this sentence needs a little bit more detail (but not necessarily that many more words). – change it around a little bit to “give” the reader a bit more, which will show that you’re hitting the criteria more effectively than just writing a ‘generalist’ sentence as you have done. Within the plot, Moore and Huxley also address the manipulation of truth by powerful political bodies GOOD. BOOM. That’s the specificity I was talking about. Powerful political bodies. Excellent! One slight hiccup, notie that you’ve said “Within the plot”, which refers to one plot, but then you’ve mentioned two creators. You’d need to say “Within their respective plots, ….”. They emphasise This is awesome. Notice that “they emphasise” is much better than “they emphasized” that a particular representation does not always equate with the absolute truth good , and the impact that a false perception of truth has on the freedom of individuals and society within the text because you’re saying that they emphasise two things, it’s almost lost in the second half of the sentence what they’re emphasizing about freedom of individuals. However, I get the idea, and it’s a good one. I like it, it’s clear, and it hits the criteria. Both composers cleverly criticise representations of people and politics by establishing the extent to which truth can be manipulated, and the effect of this on individuals and society.
Cool! Good wrap up sentence, leaves your contention very clear.
I know I just wrote some massive slab of text for a few sentences there, so just to be clear, my main point of feedback is:
Your writing could be more clear, and the meaning of your words more apparent, if you made your expression “punchier” through making your grammar more active. Improving this expression would not only improve your writing, but improve the perception of the examiner. Suddenly, your ideas will look better, and your analysis will look stronger – even if they’re the same as always. It’s about representing your skill in a certain way ;). You want to represent yourself like you’re a genius, so you should writing confidently and with ‘punch’.
In terms of what you wanted to know – your ideas are clear, and they’re good! They’d come out even better with just a few grammar changes
Moore’s political documentary successfully employs a post modern form to persuade the audience of his idea of the truth, his personal belief in the need for a gun law reform in America Notice that you've said "his idea of the truth, his personal belief...". Grammatically, this doesn't check out. As in, sticking that comma there and then saying "his personal..." lacks a bit of sophistication. You write it because those two this are so closely related in your brain, so you just separate it with a comma, but the process of codifying your thought and turning it into language means you can't use a comma that way. What you need is something like "...his idea of the truth: that gun law reform in America is vital/necessary/blablabla". Otherwise, I love that you've brought postmodernism into your discussion of truth - good first sentence!. Exploring the possible causes for the Columbine High School Massacre, Moore focuses YES! This is exactly the type of grammar I want you to have. "Exploring... Moore focuses" -- notice how this is the mirrored version that I told you to use earlier - "Emphasises, utilising". Good! This is what I want you to keep doing! :)on the nature of violence and use of guns within America culture. His post modern approach to film making, as well as his prominence in pop-culture as a political narrator, establishes an authentic and reliable perspective. Furthermore, by using a form of digital media which is easily accessible to a modern audience, Moore is able to relate to and fabricate trust within the audience LOVING what you have to say so far. You could revise it so it was more concise, because it's almost a bit 'waffly', but otherwise, we're on a good path. After this little bit of 'waffle', I'm expecting you to launch into some deep analysis now that you've set up the paragraph. Also, notice that 'fabricate trust' doesn't make sense, even though I REALLY SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH IT. I know what you mean, and I like it... but how does one "fabricate" trust? You fabricate a story by lying. But you can't fabricate trust. You can only manipulate people into trusting you on grounds that might not necessarily warrant trust, but that's not the same as fabricating. I know what you mean though, and I like it. You'll just have to describe it better.. The extent to which this is evident back to the clunky expression. Make it punchier!is seen in a montage of various US involvement in various foreign politics, with Moore’s voice over narration providing statistics I would describe this as a "rhythmically stuttered presentation of historical facts", which is very specific, but the specificity helps to elucidate what Moore is doing. Also, your quote isn't as well integrated into the sentence as it could be. You just say "statistics" and follow it with the quote, however, you'd want to say "statistics, such as '...' " --- you want your questions to be completely embedded into the grammar of your sentence ‘1980s: U.S trains Osama bin Laden and fellow terrorists. CIA gives them $3 billion’ followed bySee, this is good. This embeds the quote into your sentence's grammar ‘Sept. 11, 2001: Osama bin Laden uses his expert CIA training to murder 3000 people.’ The song ‘Wonderful World’ is played over the top of the narration, and as the song reaches its climactic ending, footage of the second plane to hit the World Trade centre is introduced, with the non-diegetic sound fading out to hear the screams of witnesses as the screen dissolves to black. AWESOME The highly emotive sequence is used to evoke a personal response within the audience, who Moore is able to manipulate to align with his beliefs of the need to reconsider the American Government’s political stance on gun laws and violence. Cool. Cool. Mmk. Very cool. So. What you've done is, you've provided a very descriptive (and accurate) account of what happened in the movie - which is indeed very emotive! - and then you've said "the emotion within this sequence does x". What you're missing is a detailed description of HOW Moore creates the emotion. Because this would be truly hitting the criteria of exploring how the related text represents people and politics in an evocative way. I know it might be confusing to you, "what do you mean, explain how?! How can you explain it when it's about f**king 9/11?! OF COURSE IT'S EVOCATIVE".
But think about it. What a Wonderful World. Why is it so evocative to play that song over footage of 9/11? HOW does that work? It's not enough just to put it there, let the reader go 'woah' and then continue to say that Moore manipulates audience belief.
The reason that this so evocative is because of the contrast between the meaning of 'what a wonderful world' and the historical meaning of 9/11. 9/11 is obviously very far from wonderful, but what a wonderful world is supposed to be a celebration of the good things in life. Right? So why is he playing celebratory music over horrible footage? The juxtaposition of these two dichotomous feelings creates - or EVOKES - a haunting effect in the viewer.The non-diegetic sound fades out to overwhelm the viewer and allow them to be completetly swallowed by the screams that they can hear. Do you see how specific I'm being? I'm being very precise by honing in on the things that seem like they're even too small to explain. THAT's some beast-mode analysis.
Basically, what I'd want you to do to hit the first two criteria points even more effectively is to introduce the analysis earlier in your paragraph and then expand on the analysis you've already written. By expand - i mean write abotu the stuff that I just sort of wrote about - truly explain how he evokes emotion on such a fundamental level. Explain WHY putting 'wonderful world' over 9/11 is so powerful. Spend a bit of time on that, and then link it back to representation and truth -- how has he used such powerful emotion to shift around people's beliefs about the 'truth' of gun laws?
IN SUMMARY:
Love your analysis - it's clear, perceptive, and hits the criteria. But I would want analysis introduced SOONER so you can force the reader to spend more time reading your brilliant analysis. Know what I mean? When you've got something good, why only talk about it at the end of the paragraph? When you've got something good, you want ot SHOW IT OFF! Write about it sooner, expand on it, then wrap it up at the end. Great job! :)
Woo! Awesome. Great job. Your ideas are clear, however, they could be more clear through introducing punchier language, as you've done at times throughout the essay, but have also ignored at some key moments.
Your analysis is good, but it's interesting enough to leave me wanting more - I want to read more of your great analysis earlier in the paragraph, which would let your argument and idea shine through much more effectively.
So, a good effort ameliagrace, but you can definitely do better! Please let me know if you have any questions or need further assistance :)
If anyone else wants their essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
Post by: heids on June 15, 2015, 12:25:59 pm
... no honestly, everyone should be getting on to this! This is the best feedback you'll ever ever get, don't be shy, share it with your friends and post away :))
Post by: brenden on June 15, 2015, 04:28:42 pm
Hi,
I've attached my 4 body paragraphs for my King Lear essay. My teacher's main feedback was to 'elaborate on context and connect that to the argument, as well as to explain my quotes a bit. Sometimes I don't know what technique is in my quotes and whether they are the best ones to use.
Thanks,
Cool! Let's go.
Before we get into this, I'm going to give you a little 'tip' for making virtually perfect topic sentences, every time.
Basically, it takes the structure of this:
1. [Author] verb [idea and subject matter/prompt], verbing [idea and subject matter/prompt].
OR
[Verb]ing [idea and subject matter/prompt], [Author] [verb] [idea and subject matter/prompt].
For example:
1. Shakespeare characterises Lear and Gloucester as embodiments of impetuousness and gullibility, implying that these traits are the ultimate cause of their disillusionment and eventual downfall.
OR
2. Utilising Lear and Gloucester and embodiments of impetuousness and gullibility, Shakespeare implies that these traits will ultimately be humanity's downfall.
The reason that there are 'two' topic sentences is pretty obvious, as they're each inverses of the other. I.e., the start of once sentence is the end of the second sentence, and vice versa. The only reason for this is to mask that you're using a pattern. This means that you won't have 3-5 topic sentences that are structurally exactly the same. Instead, you have one or two topic sentences that take the form of Pattern 1, and one or two topic sentences that take the form of Pattern 2. (You'll notice that the first three of your paragraphs starts with "Shakespeare <verb>").
This is the pattern I teach to my students, because it's quick, easy, reminds you to present your paragraph idea and link the idea to the prompt, and will almost always start the paragraph off well with strong expression.
Feel free to ask questions of course. (To the people who are reading this as a 'guest', you'll need to make an ATAR Notes account before you see the option to reply.
PARAGRAPH 1: Lack of insight into the mechanisms of deceptive individuals
Shakespeare implies that the gullible and impetuous nature of mankind, embodied in the characters Lear and Gloucester, as the cause of their disillusionment and eventual downfall. I like the idea within this topic sentence; however, I feel like that bit you have inserted between the commas impacts negatively on the sentence's clarity. It's a 'roundabout' way of saying what you want to say, so I feel like the revisions outlined above would be a 'punchier' start to the paragraph. (Also see the last essay I gave feedback on - you generally want to write "embodies" instead of "embodied".Shakespeare’s depiction Similarly to the embodies/embodied thing, you want to say "Shakespeare depicts" instead of "Shakespeare's depiction" (usually). You might say "Shakespeare depicts Lear's abuse of power, lack of empathy, and bad judgment to reflect the widespread discontent of the court due to Henry VIII’s lack of moral authority during his rule" -- just to clear things up a bit. of Lear’s abuse of his power and position, as well as his lack of empathy and judgement, reflects the widespread discontent due to Henry VIII’s lack of moral authority during his rule. Lear’s absolute authority at the beginning of the play is seen in his monologue “Know that we have divided in three our kingdom… while we unburdened crawl toward death”. Lear’s imperative language as he addresses the storm, “Blow, winds and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow, you cataracts and hurricanoes, spout till you have drenched our steeples” implies that Lear has lost touch with reality as a consequence of this lack of judgement. The image of Lear, mad, destitute, and removing his clothes in “Off, off you lendings. Come, unbutton here” reinforces Lear’s pitiful and helpless state, and presents a stark contrast to the power and wealth he was depicted with in the beginning of the play. In the Gloucester subplot, the metaphor “I have no way, and therefore want no eyes: I stumbled when I saw” shows Gloucester’s epiphany that he was blind to the scheming mechanisms of Edmond when he still had his eyes, and ironically is able to see his true nature clearly now that he has lost his sight. When Gloucester attempts to suicide, his rail to the gods, “O you mighty gods! This world I do renounce, and in your sights shake patiently my great affliction off” exemplifies his despair and disillusionment. Lear and Gloucester’s deterioration from men of immense power into their respective states of madness and blindness substantiates Shakespeare’s assertion that the rash and credulous nature of individuals is a fatal human flawStuff in red is BEAST. Awesome!
So, you'll notice I didn't add comments after each sentence or anything like that, but that's because the mistake you're making is more structural than it is sentence-by-sentence.
Your teacher said that you should 'explain your quotes a bit', so just take a look back at the stuff that I've highlighted in orange. Basically, there's an equal amount of quoting and an equal amount of non-quoting in that small block. So, you've got a really high concentration of quotes going on, which makes it hard for you to properly focus on the quotes. You've got a 'quantity' over 'quality' kind of thing going on.
Take a look at the paragraph that I've put within the spoiler.
Spoiler
Rose condemns the adversary system of trial, utilising the dialogue of his characters to demonstrate the ways in which the Western judicial system can promote a miscarriage of justice. As some minor discussion precedes the beginning of the jury’s deliberation, Rose conveys how the juror’s interpretation of the case is already corrupted by the eloquence of the State’s counsel. As Twelfth Juror remarks, “What’d you think of the prosecuting attorney? I liked the way he hammered home his points, one by one, in logical sequence”, Rose comments on the injustice of the State using their monetary power to create a case with “no dead spots” when the accused can afford no such luxuries. Such discrepancies between lawyers manifest themselves into the juror’s discussion and subsequent behaviour, as Eighth Juror comments, “I would have asked for another lawyer.” This assertion stems from another way in which the adversary system of trial enables misuse of power; it allows fallible witness testimony. In a judicial system entirely centred around concepts on winning and losing, Rose demonstrates how the power of witness testimony – and the importance it holds with the justice system – has the ability to establish a ‘winning’ case for the prosecution rather than establish the reality of events. Such power can be seen in the juror’s assertions that “that’s the whole case!” and “you couldn’t change my mind if you talked for a million years”, when in reality “no one ever will [know what happened]”. Thus Rose’s opinion on the structure of the justice system and the importance it places on witness testimony is conveyed by the negative portrayal of such things within Twelve Angry Men. Hence, the abuses of power are firmly demonstrated by the playwright’s depiction of the justice system.
This is a paragraph that I wrote a few years ago under exam conditions when I was closer to your age, and I would rate it as 'pretty good'. You'll see that the expression is decent, the analysis is deep enough, and the flow isn't stuttered or anything like that. You'll also notice at least three things about my quotes. 1) Most of them are very short. 2) They all work seamlessly into my own grammar, and 3) I analyse most of them quite a lot, so the paragraph is mostly analysis.
This is what you want to go for.
Lear’s absolute authority at the beginning of the play is seen in his monologue “Know that we have divided in three our kingdom… while we unburdened crawl toward death”. Lear’s imperative language as he addresses the storm, “Blow, winds and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow, you cataracts and hurricanoes, spout till you have drenched our steeples” implies that Lear has lost touch with reality as a consequence of this lack of judgement. The image of Lear, mad, destitute, and removing his clothes in “Off, off you lendings. Come, unbutton here” reinforces Lear’s pitiful and helpless state, and presents a stark contrast to the power and wealth he was depicted with in the beginning of the play[/u].
Hopefully that gives you a visual representation of how many quotes you've got in such a short amount of space. The bits that I've underlined is better. See, for that quote in the underlining, you've got quite a bit more in the way of explanation. You could go even further by saying why it shows that he's in a pitiful state (like, just add maybe another sentence that 'connects the dots' for the reader to truly flesh out your analysis. Check out this close reading on Hamlet as an example of how one might write about Shakespeare and 'explain' quotes more.
In terms of your concern about not knowing if they're the "right" ones to use... Well, this just comes with practise, but it isn't a huge concern. It's true that there can be a 'perfect' quote, and it's amazing if you can pull it out of your hat, but you can still hit the criteria in all the right ways by using decent quotes, so long as your writing and analysis are both top notch. Just keep writing and thinking critically about the language you're quoting, and you'll start to realise that some quotes will 'do more' for you than others. Basically, the bit in your first paragraph after the orange was really good, and that's the type of analysis you want to get at. However, you want to do this for more of the paragraph. The best quotes are the ones that are going to allow you to write insightful and perceptive analysis, like you've done in the second half of the paragraph.
Your other paragraphs:
To make your teacher happy, I would have drawn more on the difficulties of Elizabeth 1 that you alluded to at the start of your paragraph. What I would have done was, about halfway through your paragraph when you're starting to get right into the nitty-gritty/bulk of your quoting/analysis, refer back to Elizabeth in terms of your analysis. I mean, as part of your analysis, write something like, "This is one fundamental influence that Elizabeth had on the work, as [character] is impacted by [gender/legitimacy]. Ultimately, this allows Shakespeare to explore the nature of legitimate rule and [bla bla bla...]"
So, when your teacher says to 'elaborate on context' and to 'connect that to the argument'... you connect the context to the argument through allowign the context to shape your analysis in some ways, as I just outlined. When you allow the context to filter through to your analysis, that's "connecting" the context to your argument (because your analysis IS the bulk of your argument). In order to allow the context to come through in your analysis, you'll obviously have to talk about it a little bit more so that you can jump from the 'details' of the context to the analysis of the play. If you're using the TEEL structure, when you come to the 'explain' bit, just explain the connection between the quote/the play and the context that you can discuss, and this will naturally see you elaborating and connecting the context to your argument!
Also refer to your fourth paragraph. You mentioned Christianity, but then only implicitly deal with it through the themes of your quotes, whereas closer to the middle of the paragraph you could reintroduce the concept of redemption/justice as shaped by the historical/social context by explicitly mentioning how that context has filtered into Shakespeare's language or construction of the play. Third paragraph, mentioned succession, but then you'd want to explicitly 'bring it back' later in the paragraph and discuss with more attention.
In fact, refer to the paragraph I left you in the spoiler. You'll notice that it's talking about justice, the adversary system of trial, and the state's power. All of these things are closely linked to the historical context (1950s, which saw some pretty crazy stuff happening in America), and I filter in/intersperse this context into the entire paragrpah. This is sort of what you need to get closer to
Basically, your stuff is really good, but your teacher is pretty on point when she says explain your quotes and be inspired more by the context. There's no point going in detail over all three paragraphs, because your writing is pretty decent, and you don't make unique mistakes in each of the paragraphs. Everything I've said in this post refers to all of your paragraphs.
IN SUMMARY:
- Deal more directly with the context within your analysis.
- Be more patient with your quoting. Do it less, and use short quotes often, giving your evidence the attention it deserves. Remember that there are people out there that write entire theses on just one scene!
- Remember to completely integrate your quotes into your own grammar
- At times, be more 'direct' with your writing (outlined in the topic sentence rant).
Let me know if you need any further assistance, or have any questions about what I've said! Probably just smashed you with a tonne to take in, so totally happy to talk it over with you a little bit more LOL.
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
Post by: jaimebaker97 on June 15, 2015, 07:37:32 pm
I do Advanced English and this is my Module C essay. The Question was "analyse and discuss representations of politics and people in the text Wag The Dog with at least one related text"
If you could give me some feedback that would be awesome! I'm mostly worried that I haven't fully addressed the question and that my connections between texts are weak.
Thank You!!
Representations of people or politics differentiate in the publics view depending on how they are perceived to see it, such as through the manipulation of the media. This can be explored through the texts “Wag The Dog” by Barry Levinson, “Paleo Pete” by A Current Fair (Channel Nine) and “American Way Of War” by Los Angeles Times. The use of literary, film and visual techniques allows the analysis of how conflicting perspectives result from different interpretations of the same facts.
Media holds a powerful leverage upon the general public, especially American. “Wag The Dog” explores how the influence of media can manipulate a society's opinion or views on an event or situation. The black comedy satirises the belief the American population holds in the media. The metaphor of “wagging the dog” is underlined throughout the entirety of the film establishing how easily the media influences the general population; this is seen through the merchandising of the war. A close up shot of a propaganda shirt with “Fuck A Albania” printed across it in bold letterings is a strong example of the impact of television, although public have no hard proof of the war with Albania for themselves, they are quick to support the war when told by the media. A ‘badge of honour’ stating “Reelect the President” is also pinned to the shirt portraying how a whole population is able to overlook an event so serious as the President molesting a twelve year old girl when told to by a television screen. Wag the Dog' repeatedly exemplifies society's complete trust in the imagery of media presented to them, and subsequently their seduction by political propaganda. A similar idea is evident in the political cartoon “The American Way Of War” which satirises the way Americans can merchandise tragedies so serious as the Afghan war. This is shown through the use of the rule of thirds to exemplify the barrier between a public controlled by the media and true reality. In the foreground we see a soldier walking into darkness, symbolising him entering the terror of war, while the group of people in the background can be seen lounging around a television with completely comfortable body language, each of their faces is directly focused on a screen of some description. The casual dialogue of “hmmm. Gotta remember to slap one of those yellow ribbon thingies on the back of the minivan” represents the level of obliviousness the public has in relation to situations so serious as war. This obliviousness stems from the manipulative powers of the media; they are able to modify the public’s opinions to suit their means, in this situation for a profit from the merchandising. Both texts explore the way in which the media is able to direct the public’s thoughts and opinions.
Manipulation and secrecy is evident in both the texts “Wag The Dog” and “Paleo Pete”. “Wag The Dog” explores privacy that circulates the American political system, this is satirised through symbolic lighting shown throughout the creative segment. Brean, Ames, Motss and the creative team are seated around a table discussing the execution of their fake war. The light is directly focused on the table contrasting with the darkness and shadows that engulf each member seated. This use of lighting manifests each of the characters iniquitous characterization, portraying the immoral actions they are actually committing. Ironically these actions are generally overlooked; although the person they are trying to save is completely horrific and evil, they continue with the execution of their plan as if it were any other job. The dark lighting around the characters further manifests the secrecy of what they are doing, the general public will never know the war is fake and this is where the true irony lies. The American population is completely in the dark to the manipulation and seduction; they only have knowledge of what they are being fed by the political and creative team. In comparison the Current Affair news story “Paleo Pete” derives it’s manipulation of their viewers purely from untrue statements and powerful language in order to engage the audience and direct their attention. Current Affair’s use of high modality language manifested in the context “He is popular, polarising, unqualified and dangerous” portrays their willingness to shift their audience’s opinions and belief in order to achieve their own success. Although the entire news story is based around Pete abusing the supposedly ‘dangerous’ Paleo diet for his own personal financial gain, the Paleo diet is proven to be incredibly healthy way of life. Further when looking closely at the context it is proven at the time of production of “Paleo Pete” channel nine rates were low, compared to channel sevens high ratings. This manipulation can be compared with that seen in “Wag The Dog” with both parties impacted their responder’s views for their own financial gain.
Illusion versus reality is explored in the texts “Wag The Dog” and “Paleo Pete”. Levinson creates an ironic twist in his black comedy through allowing his viewers to witness the fabrication of the fake war. Juxposition is used throughout the duality of the two screens during the creation of the war footage, an Albanian girl running across a burning bridge with sounds of war blazing in the background and the computer screens actually manipulating the footage. The responder is able to see the fake war footage in its creation and therefore Levinson is creating an ironic twist with his use of Juxposition. While we have the knowledge that the war is an illusion, it is reality to the general public. As they have no reason to believe it to be fake. This irony is a recurring idea throughout the entirety of the film, what we see as a reality versus what the population sees as their reality in the film. A similar idea is present in the political cartoon “The American Way Of War” where split perspectives are visualized to represent the illusion of war versus its reality. On one side we see a soldier marching off to his fourth war, as stated, with a grim expression upon his face. Darkness expresses the horrors his is about to endure surround him. On the other side we see a family staring at a television, in a form being controlled by the television. The family states they “gotta slap one of those yellow ribbon thingies onto the back of the mini van” this shows they have no concept of what war really is, rather they see it as the media wants them to see it.
Post by: turnera02 on June 15, 2015, 08:41:20 pm
I'm in year 11 Advanced English at the moment and this is my module B essay, the question was "Othello is defined by an inherent tension between loyalty and deception.’ In light of your critical study, how does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Othello?" I'd really just like any feedback available as my teacher does not give much!
The binary opposites of loyalty and deception are relevant in all timeframes and societies. In Shakespeare’s Othello, the tension between loyalty and deception is highlighted in the characterisation of Othello and Iago, as well as the interactions of these various characters with the Elizabethan society at the time. Shakespeare challenges the Elizabethan society by also exploring the universal themes and concerns of jealousy, envy and racial tension, which act to contribute to the loyalty and deception in the play, ultimately shaping the play as a whole.
One of the many reasons that Othello resonates with modern audiences is because the characters are so universal. There is Iago, a typical villain, and Othello, the outsider who also happens to be the tragic hero. Both these characters are transferable among all timeframes. The protagonist and antagonist, that is Othello and Iago, are consistently comparable due to the themes of allegiance that the former is associated with, and deceit the latter is associated with. However within the actual play, Iago is seen in an admiral and positive way, due to his powerful language and ability to manipulate others, an example is when he questions Othello of Desdemona’s integrity, and reassures that he is only doing so because of his love for Othello, “I hope you will consider that what I have spoken Comes from my love”. His image of respect is seen by the repetition of ‘honest Iago’, “Honest Iago,/My Desdemona must I leave to thee” “I know, Iago,/Thy honesty and love doth mince this matter”. The contradictory statements and dramatic irony highlight the tension between the appearance of loyalty and the deception within the play, illuminating Iago’s complete power and the other characters naivety. Shakespeare emphasises through his depiction of loyalty and deceit, the power that language holds, not just in an Elizabethan era, but in modern day contexts too.
Othello’s love for Desdemona was his destructive force, his ‘otherness’, and the ability for it to be used for Iago’s gain, contributed significantly to his downfall. Iago used his ‘otherness’ by planting the seeds of doubt in Othello’s mind, playing upon his fears regarding Desdemona’s loyalty with lies and innuendo. Dramatic irony is used heavily in regards to the development of Othello’s doubt; the audience knows who is really loyal and who is deceiving him, however Othello is completely unaware. Iago’s faith in chance, when asking Othello in Act 3 Scene 3 "Tell me but this, / Have you not sometimes seen a handkerchief / Spotted with strawberries in your wife's hand?", is the catalyst for when Othello truly believes Iago. The use of dramatic irony intensifies the deception occurring in this scene in regards to Desdemona’s infidelity, when in fact she has only been loyal. Shakespeare highlights the destruction that a clouded judgement can have, showing the devastating outcomes due to not being able to differentiate between loyalty and deceit.
Shakespeare challenges the patriarchal society of his time. Othello is a ‘Moor’, he is a notably black person in a very white society. His role as an outsider is further exacerbated as he has an important role in his society, rather than being on the fringe. However his status as a ‘moor’ ultimately destines him for destruction. Othello was once a humble and noble man who spoke with clarity and meaning “Most potent, grave, and reverend seigniors, My very noble and approved good masters…Hath this extent, no more. Rude I am in my speech…”. However he succumbs to his stereotypes when he recognises “Haply for I am black…I am to blame”. The high modality speech used illuminates the struggle with the simplest part of his identity – his foreignness. His lack of self esteem provided Iago with the basis to manipulate and further destruct Othello, using his jealousy and clouding his judgement of loyalty and deception. Shakespeare illuminates that a very patriarchal society will bring destruction – if equality is not present and racial tension exists, disaster will occur.
The universal themes of loyalty and deception are examined in William Shakespeare’s Othello. The characterisation present in the play further unifies the themes present and allows for modern day interpretation on a plethora of levels. The way in which Shakespeare challenges the Elizabethan society by exploring the timeless themes such as racial tension, jealousy and envy, further contribute to the overall unified artistic expression of human experience.
Post by: patty_cakes on June 15, 2015, 09:48:50 pm
Could you please take a look at my Module B and Discovery essays for me? I would like to know how I can make my arguments more clear and concise.
Thanks in advance!!
:) :)
Post by: brenden on June 16, 2015, 03:50:25 pm
Hello :)
I do Advanced English and this is my Module C essay. The Question was "analyse and discuss representations of politics and people in the text Wag The Dog with at least one related text"
If you could give me some feedback that would be awesome! I'm mostly worried that I haven't fully addressed the question and that my connections between texts are weak.
Thank You!!
"Analyse and discuss representations of politics and people in the text Wag The Dog with at least one related text"
Representations of people or politics differentiate in the publics view depending on how they are perceived to see it, such as through the manipulation of the mediaCool idea! There are some slight expression flaws..."depending on how they are perceived to see it" -- it's a bit unclear what you're trying to say here (in that your thought just hasn't been accurately given to the reader!". This can be explored through the texts “Wag The Dog” by Barry Levinson, “Paleo Pete” by A Current Fair (Channel Nine) and “American Way Of War” by Los Angeles Times. The use of literary, film and visual techniques allows the analysis of how conflicting perspectives result from different interpretations of the same facts. I would personally have an introduction that's maybe one or two sentences longer, so you can sort of 'warm' the reader up to it as opposed to diving right in. The last sentence, I would always recommend to be a blatant statement of your contention/argument. Like, I would just write... "Hence,
Media holds a powerful leverage upon the general public, especially American. Check out the detailed feedback I offered on topic sentences here: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking -- hopefully it helps! I like the idea in this sentence, but think it would 'sound' nicer :)“Wag The Dog” explores how the influence of media can manipulate a society's opinion or views on an event or situation. The black comedy satirises the belief the American population holds in the media. The metaphor of “wagging the dog” is underlined throughout the entirety of the film establishing how easily the media influences the general population; this is seen through the merchandising of the war. A close up shot of a propaganda shirt with “Fuck A Albania” printed across it in bold letterings is a strong example of the impact of television, although public have no hard proof of the war with Albania for themselves, they are quick to support the war when told by the media. The stuff I've highlighted in red, you should do less of, and the stuff I've highlighted in green is good! The reason I don't like the red sentences is because a) they're both of really similar, short length, and so when they're put next together they 'sound' a bit ugly, and b) they don't "add" much to the criteria - like it's not analysing, giving evidence or anything - they feel like "fluffing about" sentences. Green on the other hand is good because it starts to hit the criteria and address the question - you've got your quotes there for a reason and you use them to discuss your paragraph idea (manipulation of the media).A ‘badge of honour’ stating “Reelect the President” is also pinned to the shirt portraying how a whole population is able to overlook an event so serious as the President molesting a twelve year old girl when told to by a television screen. Wag the Dog' repeatedly exemplifies society's complete trust in the imagery of media presented to them, and subsequently their seduction by political propaganda.So, you mentioned that you were afraid of not hitting the question. Here is one place in your paragraph that you could really improve that. You'll notice that you go from the green sentences, then to the underlined sentence, and then to the blue sentence.But basically, the underlined is the same as the green. That is, there's quotes and discussion. THEN, after you've completed green, and completed Underlined, you add Blue - which is a general analysis of Wag the Dog that stems from your more specific discussion. The way I would more readily hit the question is through introducing Blue EARLIER. Green and Underlined are the same thing - so it's basically repeating the same method, right? So, before writing Underlined, I would write Blue instead, after Green. Green would be the "specifics" and then you would go to the "overarching" stuff in Blue. Like a telescope from outerspace that's super zoomed in on Australia, but then it zooms out to show the whole Earth. That's the relationship between Green and Blue. So basically, if you had Green -> Blue, instead of Green -> Underlined -> Blue --- you would create another opportunity to hit the question. Okay. So. *Take some deep breaths and recover from the rant*. The reason I say this is because the question asks you to analyse and discuss and a lot of your analysis and discussion actually comes from you EXPLORING those 'zoomed out' points after the 'zoomed in' stuff. So, do that a little bit MORE. Go Green, then go Blue, but expand on the blue stuff more! Or, you could even intersperse more blue stuff IN BETWEEN green stuff, multiple times. (Obviously you'll need to do this in the same amount of words that you currently have, so it just means putting different sentences in different places). I've tried to explain this as best I can but I also have an exam tomorrow lol, so let me know if you need clarification!! A similar idea is evident in the political cartoon “The American Way Of War” which satirises the way Americans can merchandise tragedies so serious as the Afghan war. Awesome!! This is a very successful transition sentence, that connects well with the themes you've been discussing with reference to WTD. This is shown through the use of the rule of thirds to exemplify the barrier between a public controlled by the media and true reality. In the foreground we see a soldier walking into darkness, symbolising him entering the terror of war, while the group of people in the background can be seen lounging around a television with completely comfortable body language, each of their faces is directly focused on a screen of some description. The casual dialogue of “hmmm. Gotta remember to slap one of those yellow ribbon thingies on the back of the minivan” represents the level of obliviousness the public has in relation to situations so serious as war. X This obliviousness stems from the manipulative powers of the media; they are able to modify the public’s opinions to suit their means, in this situation for a profit from the merchandising. Both texts explore the way in which the media is able to direct the public’s thoughts and opinions.
Okay, so... The second half of your paragraph is actually really cool! I love your quoting and the way you're discussing how your related text touches on the themes. BUT -- you're right, in that there's not a super strong connection between the second half of para and the first half of the para. You'll see that I put a big red 'X' at one point. There, I would add a sentence that goes something like "This discussion of obliviousness is fundamental to both texts, in that... [explain]"... Just to really tie in strongly the connection between the texts in your discussion. Basically. Your paragraph is like this...
FIRST HALF (WAG THE DOG)
SECOND HALF (RELATED TEXT)
But it could be like...
FIRST THIRD
SECOND THIRD
LAST THIRD
Like, you could intersperse the relationship between sentences more than you currently do, rather than wrapping it all up in the final sentence of the paragraph. Use words like 'similarly', 'contrarily', 'moreover', 'further', '[text] treats this notion in a similar way...'
But I do like your ideas and quotes and stuff - going really well!
Manipulation and secrecy is evident in both the texts “Wag The Dog” and “Paleo Pete”. “Wag The Dog” explores privacy that circulates the American political system, this is satirised through symbolic lighting shown throughout the creative segment. Brean, Ames, Motss and the creative team are seated around a table discussing the execution of their fake war. The light is directly focused on the table contrasting with the darkness and shadows that engulf each member seated. This use of lighting manifests each of the characters iniquitous characterization, portraying the immoral actions they are actually committing. Ironically these actions are generally overlooked; although the person they are trying to save is completely horrific and evil, they continue with the execution of their plan as if it were any other job. The dark lighting around the characters further manifests the secrecy of what they are doing, the general public will never know the war is fake and this is where the true irony lies. The American population is completely in the dark to the manipulation and seduction; they only have knowledge of what they are being fed by the political and creative team. In comparison the Current Affair news story “Paleo Pete” derives it’s manipulation of their viewers purely from untrue statements and powerful language in order to engage the audience and direct their attention. Current Affair’s use of high modality language manifested in the context “He is popular, polarising, unqualified and dangerous” portrays their willingness to shift their audience’s opinions and belief in order to achieve their own success. Although the entire news story is based around Pete abusing the supposedly ‘dangerous’ Paleo diet for his own personal financial gain, the Paleo diet is proven to be incredibly healthy way of life. Further when looking closely at the context it is proven at the time of production of “Paleo Pete” channel nine rates were low, compared to channel sevens high ratings. This manipulation can be compared with that seen in “Wag The Dog” with both parties impacted their responder’s views for their own financial gain.
Okay, so this paragaph has a similar "story of two halves".
First half: DARK LIGHTING!!!
Second half: LANGUAGE!!!
---I do like that there are "categories" in your paragraph, because it makes it easy for your to write with organisaion, and it makes sense in the reader's mind. However, as I've already mentioned, these categories are in some way damaging your connection between the texts, even though the analysis is great for both. What's the solution? Well, something you might like to try is divindg your paragraphs (loosely) into 'quarters'.The first quarter would be WTD, then related text, then WTD, then related text. This would mean talking about dark lighting for half the amount, and introducing another idea. I think this would be good - show a little more versatility to your paragraphs and ensure they don't get "stale", and it would also help you connect. You'd just have to get your transitions right.
In terms of connecting to the question... I'm starting to wonder whether you're straying too far from "politics". Although, I guess the theme of 'secrecy' is connected directly to talking about 'people', and you're generally discussing the media, which I suppose is 'implicitly' political, but not explicitly political in the way that I think the question demands. So, I think it might do you some good to deal more explicitly with a few political points of analysis and really reinfoce the relevance of your essay to the question.
Illusion versus reality is explored in the texts “Wag The Dog” and “Paleo Pete”. Levinson creates an ironic twist in his black comedy through allowing his viewers to witness the fabrication of the fake war. Juxposition is used throughout the duality of the two screens during the creation of the war footage, an Albanian girl running across a burning bridge with sounds of war blazing in the background and the computer screens actually manipulating the footage. The responder is able to see the fake war footage in its creation and therefore Levinson is creating an ironic twist with his use of Juxposition. While we have the knowledge that the war is an illusion, it is reality to the general public. As they have no reason to believe it to be fake. This irony is a recurring idea throughout the entirety of the film, what we see as a reality versus what the population sees as their reality in the film. A similar idea is present in the political cartoon “The American Way Of War” where split perspectives are visualized to represent the illusion of war versus its reality. On one side we see a soldier marching off to his fourth war, as stated, with a grim expression upon his face. Darkness expresses the horrors his is about to endure surround him. On the other side we see a family staring at a television, in a form being controlled by the television. The family states they “gotta slap one of those yellow ribbon thingies onto the back of the mini van” this shows they have no concept of what war really is, rather they see it as the media wants them to see it.
So! Cool paragraph. Does well to talk about representation and meaning (illusion and reality), but I feel like the second half has some slightly repetitive discussion of The American Way of War (tv analsyis etc), and it follows the same pattern of feedback as the other paragraphs. (Two halves, not stringently connected, perhaps not dealing with 'politics' explicitly enough.
I think your analysis is pretty cool, but it's given in really big blocks (each half of the paragraph) that could potentailly be split into structural quadrants. Sorry I haven't pointed out all the good bits of analysis - in a slight hurry - but believe me when I say that I do like what your'e talking about!
Otherwise: I think you're right, and you do need to deal with the questions more explicitly, and I think your discussion of related text with themes of WTD would benefit from a structural change, where you mingle in your discussion throughout the paragraph rather than the "halves".
Okey dokey -- let me know if there's anything else I can do or if something doesn't make sense! Well done - keep improving! :) :)
Post by: heids on June 16, 2015, 06:12:07 pm
Hi :)
I'm in year 11 Advanced English at the moment and this is my module B essay, the question was "Othello is defined by an inherent tension between loyalty and deception.’ In light of your critical study, how does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Othello?" I'd really just like any feedback available as my teacher does not give much!
Disclaimer: sorry you landed up with me not Brenden, but since I'm 90% copying what he said for the others anyway :P, hope it's still helpful. Also, as a VCE'er and someone who hasn't read the text, I can't comment on the textual links and don't know the criteria well enough to know what a Mod B essay should look like.
P.S. I've highlighted anything that's a bit waffly/unnecessary/doesn't actually say much or add anything blue. Either cut it out or revise the sentence.
The binary opposites of loyalty and deception are relevant in all timeframes and societies. In Shakespeare’s Othello underline/italicise title of text, the tension between loyalty and deception is highlighted in the characterisation of Othello and Iago, as well as the interactions of these various characters with the Elizabethan society at the time. You could make this sentence 'punchier' by turning the 'is highlighted' (passive) into 'highlights' (i.e. the text actively does something). I'd try: 'Shakespeare's Othello highlights the tension between loyalty and deception through the characterisation of…' I was going to turn it into 'Shakespeare's Othello characterises Othello and Iago as… highlighting the tension between loyalty and deception.' But it didn't work, because your sentence didn't explain specifically how these characters are characterised. Just saying that they're 'characterised' doesn't give me much; what are they characterised as? and how does this highlight the tension between loyalty and deception? You could make this clearer and more specific. Shakespeare challenges GOOD! This is active and punchy the Elizabethan society by also exploring the universal themes
Next thing: So what's your contention? I don't know what you're actually arguing, overall; your three paragraphs feel a bit like three disjointed points that don't add up to an overall argument. [copying Brenden here] You need to wrap up the intro with a sentence like 'Hence/Ultimately, I think that [my argument].' (Not using the words 'I think that', of course.
Here I'll discuss an issue you have throughout the essay: relevance. Like in that intro, you could explain a bit more the relevance of the themes jealousy/racial tension - I can't see how they contribute to loyalty/deception in the play. Some of your paragraphs/ideas seem only slightly related. Even if you can see in your mind how something is related to the topic, you've got to signpost signpost signpost this to the assessor throughout. Let's face it, the assessor's pretty dumb, they can't read your mind and if you don't bother filling in gaps, they won't either. You've got to really really clearly specify all your links and show the development of your thought.
Making it 'relevant' doesn't just mean 'state the words loyalty and deception'. Like obviously, you're not going to write an essay on fluffy pink rabbits, and then sandwich each paragraph with a variation on 'This demonstrates the inherent tension between loyalty and deception in Shakespeare's Othello' - because, surprise surprise, the assessor's not likely to see the link. You can't make random claims of 'this shows this', unless you actually demonstrate that it does, and how it does. A one-sentence link from a totally different idea from your practice essay on a different topic ... but the assessor's never going to know *wink wink*... doesn't work. Because the assessor WILL know.
One of the many reasons that Othello resonates with modern audiences is because the characters are so universal. Here's what I mean about relevance. From reading this TS, I simply can't see how it relates to the topic at all. I need you to show me exactly how! See Brenden's topic sentence structure for some help. There is Iago, a typical villain, and Othello, the outsider who also happens to be the and tragic hero. Both these characters are transferable among all timeframes. Here, you could: a) explain exactly what you mean - in what way are they transferrable? and b) think more about how it's relevant to the topic. The protagonist and antagonist, that is Othello and Iago, are consistently comparable due to the themes of allegiance that the former is associated with, and deceit the latter is associated with. Could try: 'The protagonist Othello is constantly associated with allegiance, while contrastingly the antagonist Iago is associated with deceit'. P.S. Nice that you used the word 'allegiance' here! Search for a couple of synonyms for key words in any prompt; it helps you avoid repeating yourself, because you can swap them up a bit. However within the actual play, Iago is seen in an admiral admirable and positive way Here, do you mean that other characters in the play see Iago as good, whereas he is shown as a villain to the audience? It took me a couple of reads to get this, you could be a bit clearer., due to his powerful language and ability to manipulate others Love it! That underlined bit is clear, sounds nice, flows well, and is analytical! :), an example is when he questions Othello of Desdemona’s integrity, and reassures that he is only doing so because of his love for Othello, “I hope you will consider that what I have spoken Comes from my love”. His image of respect is seen by the repetition of ‘honest Iago’, “Honest Iago,/My Desdemona must I leave to thee” “I know, Iago,/Thy honesty and love doth mince this matter”. The contradictory statements and dramatic irony highlight the tension between the appearance of loyalty and the deception within the play, illuminating Iago’s complete power and the other characters possessive apostrophe naivety. Shakespeare emphasises through his depiction of loyalty and deceit, the power that language holds, not just in an Elizabethan era, but in modern day contexts too. This feels a bit back to front: I mean, it finishes off with the focus on the power of language, rather than on the prompt. Also, again, I struggle to draw that link between your evidence and what it shows about loyalty and deceit.
Othello’s love for Desdemona was his destructive force, his ‘otherness’, and the ability for it to be used for Iago’s gain, contributed significantly to his downfall. again - how is this relevant to the topic? Iago used his ‘otherness’ explain what 'otherness' means; from my viewpoint as someone who hasn't read the text, I can't see HOW Iago uses this 'otherness' to overthrow Othello – firstly, I don't even know what the 'otherness' is, let alone how it's used! by planting the seeds of doubt in Othello’s mind, playing upon his fears regarding Desdemona’s loyalty with lies and innuendo. Dramatic irony is used heavily in regards to the development of Othello’s doubt; the audience knows who is really loyal and who is deceiving him, however Othello is completely unaware. Iago’s faith in chance, when asking Othello in Act 3 Scene 3 "Tell me but this, / Have you not sometimes seen a handkerchief / Spotted with strawberries in your wife's hand?", is the catalyst for when Othello truly believes Iago. The use of dramatic irony intensifies the deception occurring in this scene in regards to Desdemona’s infidelity, when in fact she has only been loyal. Shakespeare highlights the destruction that a clouded judgement can have, showing the devastating outcomes due to not being able to differentiate between loyalty and deceit. Love this last sentence - this is the sort of sentence you should be aiming for! You could have developed a bit more on the 'devastating outcomes' throughout the paragraph; what horrible things happened, how did it effect the characters' lives, due to this inability to differentiate?
Shakespeare challenges the patriarchal patriarchal=male-dominated, to do with oppression of women not other races society of his time. This TS is too short, plus doesn't show relevance to the topic; I like to have two 'parts' to a TS. (see Brenden's topic sentences above)
A big thing I've noticed is that most of your quotes are long and not integrated into your own grammar very well. Try not to dump a quote at the end of a sentence; try fitting it in your flow. Like: “However, he succumbs to societal stereotypes when he claims he '[is] to blame' because he '[is] black'.” Or, “His nobility and humility is evident as he addresses [I don't actually know who??] as 'most potent, grave and reverend seigniors'.” So firstly, try to find the 'core' of the quote, the main 1-6 words that really show your point, and then paraphrase the quote by cutting out everything else. Use ellipses ... to cut out words, and square brackets [] to change the grammar of the quote to fit it with your own sentence - e.g. '[is] black' rather than 'am black'.
The universal themes of loyalty and deception are examined in William Shakespeare’s Othello. Again another chance to make it active and punchy: Shakespeare's Othello examines the universal themes of loyalty and deception'. Sometimes doing this also highlights to you that you're repeating yourself a bit much; the punchier you are, the more you see what you're actually doing – it points out any repetition, weak arguments, waffle or other flaws. Thus it helps you improve in other ways! The characterisation present in the play further unifies the themes present and allows for modern day interpretation on a plethora of levels. Careful! This is a 'nothing' sentence – it's extremely vague, and ends up 22 words that don't add anything. You don't mention a) what the characterisation is b) what those 'themes' are and c) what the interpretations are, or what 'levels' you're talking about. The way in which Shakespeare challenges the Elizabethan society by exploring the timeless themes such as racial tension, jealousy and envy, further contributes to the overall unified artistic expression of human experience in simple English, what do you mean by that last chunk of the sentence (from 'further contributes… onward)? I can't see the relevance or what it even means..
Your conclusion wasn't up to the level of the rest; it's a plain rehash of the intro (and the first sentence is just 'the text explores the themes the prompt said', which anyone could say so it feels a bit boring and shallow), but it's vaguer/more waffly than the intro.
Your conclusion definitely should rehash what's been said to some extent, but should aim to provide something a bit new/different. I was always hopeless at conclusions so maybe ask Brenden how to improve it.
To work on:
> Assuming I'm not totally wrong because I'm ignorant of the criteria ::), stick like glue to the prompt! Always keep explaining the relevance, going into more detail and being specific.
> Integrate quotes.
> Be more concise. (Not that it's a huge problem, it's just that almost everyone could benefit with this. How about you try going through one of your past essays and seeing how low you can get the word count without taking out any content, by switching up sentences to make them punchier and cutting out any waffle words?)
> Need a contention, a general overall argument - and your 3 paragraphs have to work together to develop that. Not three disjointed paragraphs with only some relevance to the topic.
Please forgive me for slamming you with a whole lot of pretty negative feedback! I'm always harsh; don't take it as an attack or think I'm saying your writing is hopeless. It's not. It's just you have a couple of things to improve on, don't we all?
OK, being yelled at to get off my computer now, let me know if you have any questions or need anything clarifying!
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
Post by: brenden on June 17, 2015, 08:58:04 pm
Hi Ned Nerb!
Could you please take a look at my Module B and Discovery essays for me? I would like to know how I can make my arguments more clear and concise.
Thanks in advance!!
:) :)
Hey Patty! Module B up first :)
Edit: I just read the discovery essay, and I'd be mentioning the same strengths and weaknesses, so decided not to worry about it... However, I'd love to see you come back with another essay, focussing on writing naked sentences and see how much improvement we can get out of you :)
William Butler Yeats provides a clear insight into his personal and universal spheres shaped by the events of his tumultuous context through which he experienced the full extent of tensions between stability and change "by the events of his... context", "through which he experienced"... --- the first one doesn't make sense, and the second one could be more concise! I know what you mean by personal sphere, but what about that sphere is universal? Does that adjective add much to the sentence? I can tell what happened in this sentence. You had something to say, and then you thought it "wasn't enough" or "could be improved with language" and tried to jazz it up. If so, you made the wrong call! Basically, here's the meaning I got from your sentence: "William Butler Yeats provides a clear insight into his own personal reality, marred by the tension between stability and change". Is that about what you were trying to say? I think so, but look how many extra words you used! Go down to the bottom and read the stuff I've marked with **. . As such, he attempts to make meaning of the world around him through his purposeful treatment of structure, context and language when we speak of an author's 'treatment', we normally talk of their depiction of a particuarl theme. I.e., "his treatment of violence", so "his treatment of language" seems out of place (unless he actually discusses language). here, i think you're actually trying to talk about how the author USES language, which is different to how the author treats language – allowing his literary canon to transcend their unique contextual backdrop to remain relevant to responders across time This last bit about timelessness is a good idea, and the language isn't "too much" (but it almost is). I have a feeling that all of your conciseness could be found by taking a step back on what you think "good" writing should look like (as per the red asterisks) . Yeats’ early poem The Wild Swans at Coole (1919), effectively responding to his prevailing anxiety, is the start of his transition into archaic language, challenging the audience’s perception regarding the change into an apocalyptic world. The Second Coming (1920) shifts from the personal to universal sphere, his concerns validated by the sociocultural forces of his twentieth century context, where a time of war and conflict forces him to search for stability within a fluctuating modern era. His final, and most vivid, poem Leda and the Swan (1924) anchors the consequences of man’s creative and destructive nature, as well as his moral decline into an ungovernable spiral. It is Yeats’ skilful manipulation of the poetic form that platforms his search for stability in a tumultuous epoch of human history to be recognised and understood by his audience. I actually love all of your ideas (as much as I can get them out of your introduction), but it's saddening that sometimes the ideas don't speak for themselves, and instead they're spoken for by language that's a bit over the top. This introduction would be nearly perfect if it wasn't for the language, which was taking attention away from the good ideas - the ideas that will be getting you marks more than any 'impressive' language will
The Wild Swan at Coole is a deeply personal poem unnecessarywhere Yeats demonstrates the duality of change and is the beginning of ideas of anarchy also seen in The Second Coming and Leda and the Swan. Revision: In 'The Wild Swan', Years explores the dualiy of change and establishes his initial anarchist ideas which he expands in both 'The Second Coming' and 'Leda and the Swan'. You'll notice that my sentence is a bit more blunt, but seems a lot more clear. RED ASTERISKS!! Yeats purposely forms a Romantic union between nature and mankind, “The trees are in their autumn beauty...Under the October twilight” through cyclical images of times, days and seasons coool idea! and the language in this sentence is good. it's not 'too much'. Ironically, these two dichotomous objects subjects is probably better than objects, and are they necessarily dichotomous? will soon be segregated in The Second Coming revision: add, 'as', “things fall apart; the centre cannot hold”. The change, resulting from the segregation, is elucidated to using recurring motif a bit unclear. recurring is built into the definition of motif. So you could just as easily - and much more simply say - 'change is a motif'. , “Companionable streams...drift on the still water”, reflecting the duality of the unpredictability of change and the predictability of the inevitability of change. The final line of the poem, “Delight men’s eyes when I awake some day / To find they have flown away?”, uses a rhetorical question to serve as a melancholic resignation of humanity itself. The jarring nature of change in The Wild Swans at Coole spurs humanity’s predictable destruction, an idea that is further emphasised in The Second Coming and Leda and the Swan.You should go and read my feedback of this guy's essay: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (particularly in the spoiler ---- in the spoiler is relevant to how you can be more clear with your arguments)
As a late Romantic, Yeats abhorred such destruction and voices this in The Second Coming, slowly replacing the tranquillity in The Wild Swans at Coole, influenced by the forces of World War One and the Easter Rebellion of 1916, events heading new depths of conflict and chaosa bit of a long sentence, but it's not as "over the top" as other sentences, so i don't mind it. like the reference to romanticism, the accurate (but not superfluous) description "abhorred". The multiple caesuras such as “things fall apart; the centre cannot hold” create a jarring rhythm to reflect the deep discord and anxiety felt by societyI LOVE THE GREEN! WHAT PERCEPIVE ANALYSIS during the cataclysmic era of human history where even civilian cities were transformed into battlegrounds by aerial bombardmentARRRGH but then the orange kills it! Aerial bombardment???? -- idgaf about aerial bombardment! Tell me about rhythms! Tell me about discord and anixety!!!--- okay, in all seriousness, when you write 'aerial bombardment' at the end of this sentence, it takes the reader's attention away form what it SHOULD be on, which is your SICK analysis of the language structures - that's the stuff that's really getting you marks. i would like to see this sentence revised in a way that places ALL of the emphasis on the jarring rhythm. WOW that's such good analysis. this is what i mean in the red asterisks and the stuff i said at the end of hte intro --- LET YOUR GOOD IDEAS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES AND DONT TRY TO SPEAK OVER YOUR GOOD IDEAS. This effect is furthered coi love that you're about to follow it up in “turning and turning of the widening gyre” describing diametrically driven forces which when me together induce a change that is paradoxical to that of the previous era hmm, feel like it's a bit 'OTT', not too sure what you're trying to get at. Amidst the apocalyptic imagery in The Second Coming, emerges a sense of possible salvation through the Biblical allusion to the Apocalypse in Genesis, evident in “Surely some revelation is at hand; / Surely the second coming is at hand”.good! good analysis, that speaks for itself Yeats’ images then move from ambiguous to increasingly specific, describing a creature with “the body of a lion and the head of a man”, alluding to the ‘sphinx’, a creature of Ancient Egyptian mythology that is praised for its omnipotence and strength. Hence, Yeats reveals that the ongoing movement of time will induce a universal and cataclysmic change. The paradoxical statement “mere anarchy is loosed upon the world” i don't see the paradox? is it because the anarchy is 'mere'?furthers the loss of hope for all salvation reflecting Yeats’ contextual despair. As such, The Second Coming, which is rich in imagery serves as a transitory poem from tranquillity in The Wild Swans at Coole to the morbidly archaic graphics in Leda and the Swan resulting from the tension between stability and change. Dude. I straight up fucking love your discussion of the poetry, the language, the imagery. You 'get it', you know? Some students, quiet particularly with poetry, won't 'get it', and you've clicked, but you're (unfortunately) discussing such great ideas with language that's insecure. it's insecure in that, it's like you're trying to 'cover something up' with your language (as if you think the ideas are bad and the language needs to make up for it), but instead, the language is 'covering up' good ideas! Again, RED ASTERISKS. Get naked, then dress it up. Your essays will scream band 6.
Leda and the Swan, the final transition into anarchy, demonstrates the cataclysmic effects of the tension between stability and change imbued with apocalyptic imagery suggesting violence and loss of control too much in the sentence. . Such tension is shown to be the result of the struggle between man’s creative, docile nature and his innate capacity for carnageThis is a naked sentence. and it's a fkn COOL idea.. This struggle is symbolised by Leda’s rape by Zeus with the alliteration and adjective in “A sudden blow: the great wings beating” and “He holds her helpless breast upon his breast” in a Grecian context to emphasise the universality of such a struggle. However, the complete overpowering of man’s compassionate spirit is highlighted by the asyndeton when “Leda’s thighs are caressed…rape caught”, accelerating the poem’s rhythm to suggest man’s loss of control over his destructive capacity – a capacity that Yeats believed had been unleashed through the First World WarCOOL
The poet and prominent public figure, William Butler Yeats, manifests his personal concerns by the events of his context and extends this to a universal sphere. Hence, the tensions between stability and change, in the plethora of recurring apocalyptic imagery, symbols and poetic devices emphasising man’s destructive nature and loss of moral foundations are elucidated. As such, The Wild Swans at Coole, The Second Coming and Leda and the Swan express Yeats’ turmoil at being confronted with the erosion of stable, humanistic values and the changes brought about by events such as World War One and the Easter Rebellion.
** What makes beauty? Think about this question.
Does something need to be impressive to be beautiful? I think the answer must be know. A butterfly can be beautiful, but need not be impressive.
Does something need to be grand, and larger than life, to be beautiful? Not the case. I've seen women wear beautiful albeit very subtle rings on their fingers.
We could go on about beauty for a while, but quite predictably it would be difficult to nut out a definition, or a set of criteria that we can use to measure what's "beautiful". However, one good description of beauty is something that gives you a moment of full appreciation. When you see a difficult try and conversion, you'd call that beautiful, because you'd appreciate what skill it took.
This is how I like to measure writing. I'll give you a piece of writing that you'll appreciate in the spoiler:
Spoiler
“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
But somewhere along the lines we pick up that good writing is meant to be 'fancy'. That we should use words like "tumultuous" and "universal spheres" in order for our writing to be good. But this is a crock of shit! Absolute nonsense. Writing is nothing more than a form of communication. When you communicate well, you write well. The quote in the spoiler communicates extremely well, because it's trying to communicate the idea that variance in sentence structure improves writing. And it does that, through showing us the impact such variance can have! Very cool. You want to be almost blunt. Start blunt, then add some 'zazz'.
I'm telling you this because I want you to cut your sentences back, and I want you to write 'naked'. Write naked sentences until you feel you're supremely clear and concise, and only then start to dress your sentences up. --- but only ever so slightly. If you do this, you'll be one of the best writers in the state. And that's only because it's psychologically difficult to do this --- we all have too much of an ego to write simply! We want to show how smart we are. Have a look at this: http://www.jimpryor.net/teaching/guidelines/writing.html
Which is one of the first places I started to learn about good writing. Strip your sentences back and build from there.
I would love for you to read up on 'minimalism'. I'll be honest in saying that it's my preferred writing style - i like to read minimalist writing, and I like to write minimalist writing (most of the time), BUT, I still think it's what you need. As I've mentioned, you aren't letting the ideas speak for themselves, and so, in answering your question,
"How do I be more concise and clear?"
there aren't actually any 'tips' or 'techniques' I can offer you. For, you don't have an issue with rambling. If you rambled (and weren't concise), I could say "use a full stop every 20 words". That would stop you rambling, and make you (hopefully) more concise. However, your lack of concision and lack of clarity is not due to any lack of skill. Rather, they're reflective of a misapplication of skill. That is, you're a skilled writer, making wrong decisions.
What I'm saying is that you're choosing a particular method of writing that is in actuality damaging your ability to be concise and clear. However, you have the skills to be concise and clear, but haven't been encouraged to make the right decision (or should I say the write decision lol). So, when I say "strip your writing back" - it's not a cop out, it's the biggest tip I can give.
Post by: jamesey on June 19, 2015, 09:38:20 pm
Also it'd be cool if you could mark harshly. Thankyou!
Post by: brenden on June 21, 2015, 03:24:07 pm
Hello! So this is a Mod A essay on 1984 & Metropolis. Your help sounds amazing and I'm a victim of a teacher who writes 1 sentence feedback :'(I'm sorry to hear this.
Spoiler
Quote
Lang and Orwell have different visions of state control. How have these visions been represented and how have they been shaped by the particular social, political and cultural contexts of each composer?
Control is a power derived from fear, and the use of technology to demean an individual from their role and purpose in society. The concept of state control is shaped by social, political and cultural features but holds its fundamental values throughout any ages. Fritz Lang’s film Metropolis is set in a dystopian society to explore the dangers of control inherent in capitalism and industrialism. Similarly, George Orwell’s novel 1984 represents this notion of power through the relationship between the totalitarian government and its powerless citizens. In both texts, we see depictions of dystopian societies of stripped humanity and divided classes, with each text produced shortly after periods of historic conflict and upheaval and thus we are presented with the outcomes of social, political and cultural contexts on each text and how this shapes the concept of state control.
Throughout history, the driving force of state control has always been a form of hierarchical social classes. Lang’s cinematic depiction of social divide in Metropolis was produced shortly after the German revolution of the Weimar Republic. Lang uses expressionistic imagery, and the strong contrast of light and shade, characteristic of German Expressionist Cinema to distinguish the two classes inhabiting the futuristic city. Repeated shots of a synchronised mass of workers are depicted in uniform black, trudging mechanically at the beginning of the film accompanied with low brass music to establish a dystopic setting. With slumped postures, they exit cage-like gates at a slower pace; suggesting work draws the life out of them. This opening sequence is juxtaposed with the light colours and open spaces of the upper city, particularly the Eternal Gardens. While workers trudge into dark tunnels, Freder, the protagonist and other sons of Metropolis’ elite run freely in an Eden-like setting, beneath towering walls and statues. This stark contrast between the upper and lower classes reflects the inequality of the time and the extent of control over the working class.
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a more complex scenario of an oppressive state control regime that maintains power through propaganda, subtle psychological controls, and fear. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a dystopian society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual’s life, including their thoughts, are the subject of control strategies. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother, a symbol of trust and protection, yet ironic in that he represents oppression and control. This is shown by Party slogans such as “Big Brother is watching you” that resonates a form of fear and allows them to indoctrinate an easily influenced mindset. This psychological process is backed up by constant reminders that “life is better now” and “the party is prosperous”, and as a result leads people to believe what they are told. The extent of their indoctrination is further represented in the motto “War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength,” where the oxymoron is symbolic of the warped truth and reality. Such an extent of psychological control through the use of propaganda and fear is reminiscent of Stalinist Russia and Nazism in Germany that was observed by Orwell.
In Metropolis, the upper class assures state control by the stripping of individuality from the working class. The City of Workers is a metaphor to the harsh events of industrialisation in WWII. This representation is assisted with low-angle shots of large machines towering over workers, of who flex and gyrate in unison to the gears and pistons of the machines as seen in the hands of the clock where they are portrayed as an extension of the machine. This shows the dehumanising nature of work in an industrial setting. Religious connotation is referred to through Moloch, a satanic deity that highlights the workers’ enslavement to industrialism. With fast paced music to emphasise the fear, Moloch is seen to open its mouth, consuming numerous workers hence symbolising the sacrifice of humans for industrial progress. Lang further conveys this notion of dehumanisation through an allusion to the “Tower of Babel” where the loincloths and shaved heads of the slaves reflect those of the workers in Metropolis. By using computer-generated imagery, he merges the mass of workers into the shape of a hand to emphasise the depersonalisation, where the slaves have become tools to serve the greed of the capitalists. Lang draws the similarities between the two stories, foreshadowing the downfall of Metropolis as a result of the misuse of power over the working class.
Similarly, 1984 explores the abuse of power by authorities and how this leads to the loss of individuality. This was influenced by the Hitler and Stalin regimes that both required the destruction of individuality in order to promote the party’s needs over the individuals. This is explored in the party’s implementation of “newspeak” that removes the possibility of rebellious thought by changing negative terms such as “bad” into “ungood”. With such a thorough control over language, the party is able to create and dictate a whole generation of brainwashed and subservient population. This is most prominent in the party’s discouragement of love, realising it as a threat thus labelling sex for enjoyment as “sexcrime”. Marriage is only permitted if state sanctioned as it may lead to “ownlife”, which is individuality and eccentricity, a trait the party aims to abolish. Loss of identity is personified in Parsons who feels “a sort of doleful pride” to his daughter who “nipped off to the patrols” resulting in his arrest. His odd reaction demonstrates the extent of his indoctrination to party ideologies and inability of original thought. Violence and abuse of power is utilised to eliminate disloyalty and assure state control by ultimately forming a race absent of individual thought.
In conclusion, both composers share similar, yet different ideas on the concept of state control. These differences and similarities are influenced by their respective contexts and time, such as World War II and Nazism as well as Stalinism in Russia. By composing creative pieces, they are able to warn audiences about the abuse of power and rebellion, thus presenting meaningful messages.
Lang and Orwell have different visions of state control. How have these visions been represented and how have they been shaped by the particular social, political and cultural contexts of each composer?
Control is a power derived from fear, and the use of technology to demean an individual from their role and purpose in society Is control the use of technology, necessarily? Be specific, but be accurate! My thoughts on opening sentences at at the start of the essay I marked here . The concept of state control is shaped by social, political and cultural features but holds its fundamental values throughout any ages Does the concept of state control have its own values? What does it meant to have values? -- An accuracy/specificity thing again. (I know it seems petty and like I'm being overly picky, but trust me, the difference between an essay where I stop once or twice and go "well, that expression is technically a bit off" and an essay where I never need to stop and say the same is a BIG difference. When you eliminate these little 'technicalities' from your writing, it will start to look bold and brilliant. I also feel like there's a 'disconnect' between these first two sentences and your next sentence, where you've tried to give context, but it was not specific/accurate enough to be relevant in the right ways.. Fritz Lang’s film Metropolis is set in a dystopian society to explore the dangers of control inherent in capitalism and industrialism. Similarly, George Orwell’s novel 1984 represents this notion of power through the relationship between the totalitarian government and its powerless citizens. In both texts, we see depictions of dystopian societies of stripped humanity and divided classes, with each text produced shortly after periods of historic conflict and upheaval and thus we are presented with the outcomes of social, political and cultural contexts on each text and how this shapes the concept of state control. In the last portion of this introduction, I feel you've been foggy on the topic. You've sort of approached it a little bit sort of, but you haven't like... grabbed that topic and gone "LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS LIL MOTHER F***ER!" I feel like you done quite talk about the context surrounding the creation of the texts, and whilst you mentioned the different in depiction of state control, I feel as if you don't specifically - like REALLY GRITT, GRRRRR, TYPE SPECIFICALLY - talk about the representation. Plot differences? Language differences? Thematic differences? (Or similarities). Basically, I'd want you to be a little bit more bold and specific in your intro and get dirty with the topic deconstruction, so by the end of the introduction I know what you're truly trying to say.
Throughout history, the driving force of state control has always been a form of hierarchical social classes. Lang’s cinematic depiction of social divide in Metropolis was produced shortly after the German revolution of the Weimar Republic. Lang uses expressionistic imagery, and the strong contrast of light and shade, characteristic of German Expressionist Cinema to distinguish the two classes inhabiting the futuristic city This is so perfectly discussing the prompt that it's beautiful.. Repeated shots of a synchronised mass of workers are depicted in uniform black, trudging mechanically at the beginning of the film accompanied with low brass music to establish a dystopic setting. With slumped postures, they exit cage-like gates at a slower pace; suggesting work draws the life out of them. This opening sequence is juxtaposed with the light colours and open spaces of the upper city, particularly the Eternal Gardens. While workers trudge into dark tunnels, Freder, the protagonist and other sons of Metropolis’ elite run freely in an Eden-like setting, beneath towering walls and statues. This stark contrast between the upper and lower classes reflects the inequality of the time and the extent of control over the working class. I would have liked another sentence on the end, or more of a direct reference or explicit discussion to wrap up the paragraph. Something like "Hence, Lang's vision is represented by bla bla stark contrast bla bla bla". The way you've done it is also decent, but I personally would prefer the added clarity and specificity of more explicit discussion
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a more complex I like this. Not because I agree that it's more complex, but just because by using 'more', you're making comparisons, and you're one step closer to dealing with the topic adequately. scenario of an oppressive state control regime that maintains power through propaganda, subtle psychological controls, and fear. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union good, Orwell creates a dystopian society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual’s life, including their thoughts, are the subject of control strategies. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother, a symbol of trust and protection, yet ironic in that he represents oppression and controlexpression gets a bit clunky here.. This is shown by Party slogans such as “Big Brother is watching you” that resonates a form of fear and allows them who?to indoctrinate an easily influenced mindset. This psychological process is backed up by constant reminders that “life is better now” and “the party is prosperous”, and as a result leads people to believe what they are told. The extent of their indoctrination is further represented in the motto “War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength,” where the oxymoron is symbolic of the warped truth and reality. Such an extent of psychological control through the use of propaganda and fear is reminiscent of Stalinist Russia and Nazism in Germany that was observed by Orwell.This paragraph deals really well with how Orwell's idea of state control is presented, but I feel it's lacking on how his view was shaped by the contexts he experienced. You mention it at the start and at the end, but you don't really discuss it, and I feel that if you were able to properly integrate that type of discussion in and amongst your discussion of Orwell's depiction, it would be pretty sophisticated and put your essay on another level.
In Metropolis, the upper class assures state control by the stripping of individuality from the working class. The City of Workers is a metaphor to the harsh events of industrialisation in WWII. This representation is assisted with low-angle shots of large machines towering over workers,
Similarly, 1984 explores the abuse of power by authorities and how this leads to the loss of individualityI like this, that you've kept with 'loss of individuality' but are about to compare/contrast the texts on that particular notion. This was influenced by the Hitler and Stalin regimes that both required the destruction of individuality in order to promote the party’s needs over the individuals good!. This is explored in the party’s implementation of “newspeak” that removes the possibility of rebellious thought by changing negative terms such as “bad” into “ungood”. With such a thorough control over language, the party is able to create and dictate a whole generation of brainwashed and subservient population This is really good. Here, I'd perhaps offer a direct comparison with how the Party operates similarly to the Nazis with their control of language (in that the Nazi's called Jews rats etc etc) just that little bit extra historical discussion right about here is what i'm talking about when i mention integration. i feel like that would be really valuable to this essay. This is most prominent in the party’s discouragement of love, realising it as a threat thus labelling sex for enjoyment as “sexcrime”. Marriage is only permitted if state sanctioned as it may lead to “ownlife”, which is individuality and eccentricity, a trait the party aims to abolish. Loss of identity is personified in Parsons who feels “a sort of doleful pride” to his daughter who “nipped off to the patrols” resulting in his arrest. His odd reaction demonstrates the extent of his indoctrination to party ideologies and inability of original thought. Violence and abuse of power is utilised to eliminate disloyalty and assure state control by ultimately forming a race absent of individual thought.
In conclusion, both composers share similar, yet different ideas on the concept of state control. These differences and similarities are influenced by their respective contexts and time, such as World War II and Nazism as well as Stalinism in Russia. By composing creative pieces, they are able to warn audiences about the abuse of power and rebellion, thus presenting meaningful messages.Notice that your conclusion is the first time you directly reference the topic. Like, you introduce, then you 'present' a bunch of discussion, and then you conclude "See, look at what I've presented! You can extract from what I've presented that both composers have different ideas on state control that are influenced by their context", but I'd like the essay to more specifically discuss this throughout, because I felt like you were talking a lot about the texts, and just talking about what the texts show, but not strictly talking about how the views were developed by the context as well as how they're represented. This might be frustrating feedback because the essay is actually really good, but I feel like a bit more grit and a bit more 'explicitness' would boost it even higher. You actually do a lot of things quite well, and overall I like the way you've developed your essay with four paragraphs that are still connected with one another. Well done, and a pretty good job! I feel quite tired rn so I'm aware that I might have been a bit lazy on the feedback and some of it -could- be confusing, so please let me know if you disagree with anything I've said or have any questions etc! Good job mate :)
Post by: jamesey on June 21, 2015, 04:59:32 pm
Post by: brenden on June 21, 2015, 05:59:08 pm
This is amazing. Thanks so much for the feedback, I've learnt a lot from just that and I'd definitely be rewriting it following those annotations. You are awesome man :)I'm actually super stoked that you found it helpful! :) Keep working hard, you'll smash English Advanced!
Post by: jamesey on June 24, 2015, 09:43:47 pm
Post by: heids on June 29, 2015, 08:27:09 pm
Post by: brenden on June 30, 2015, 07:26:18 pm
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)I totally forgot about this. I'll do it tomorrow! :)
Post by: bahiahalwani on July 04, 2015, 12:46:52 pm
Can you please help me with what needs fixing and how to fix it. Thank you in advance.
Module B: Critical Study of Texts
Speeches, Advanced English.
The enduring power of speeches rest in their ability to transcend contextual boundaries, which can be attributed to their extraordinary appeal to a universal audience through effective rhetoric and perennial values. Anwar Sadat’s ‘Speech to the Israeli Knesset’ and Noel Pearson’s ‘An Australian History for us all’ explores underlying concepts of the human experience enduring its integrity across different contexts. The perennial value of the speeches are attributed to the underlying momentous theme and value of peace, unity and justice that will continue to resonate with audience of any context. The paradigms and spirit in these texts transcend time and retain value to contemporary audiences.
Noel Pearson’s speech ‘An Australian history for us all’ explores the underlying atrocities of Australia’s past and critiques those who discredit the injustices towards Indigenous Australians. Pearson’s success and timeless nature stems from the textual integrity and effective manipulation of rhetoric to integrate purpose and value appropriate to the responder. Noel adopts a formal and analytical tone as he exemplifies the notion of guilt from historical injustices that transcend contextual boundaries. Noel’s deliberate use of inclusive lexicon “we, us, all, Australians” encourages an open, harmonious and hopeful vision of collective reconciliation which transcends time and is culturally appropriate for all contexts. The composers personal jargon “I, my, myself” engages the audience and captures the passion and importance of reconciliation between Aborigines and Australians.
Pearson argues for appreciation of the complexities of the past and an acknowledgement rather than appealing to a feeling of guilt, thus his purpose resides. Academic evidence from contemporary, respected figures including politicians, professors and historians are employed to support Pearson’s arguments and convey its importance behind his personal and calm tone. Pearson appeals to the responder’s pathos through the use of rhetorical question, “has the so called black armband view of history been about apportioning guilt?” The colloquial term “black armband view of history” allows Pearson to connect with his audiences.
Noel further emphasises the significance of an injustice to discredit and neglect responsibility for historical atrocities as he argues through emotive language that Australians should collectively take responsibility for the “present, future and past”. He also discusses how “guilt is not a useful emotion” and thus highlights the need for humanity to take responsibility for their actions rather than embodying guilt by appealing to our pathos. The anaphora of “our nation” further underlines the responsibility for all Australians collectively to accept the past and accept responsibility; thus appealing to responders on a humanitarian level. Through effective rhetoric, Pearson’s significance stems in the noticeable specified goals of peace, unity and justice. Pearon’s decorum is very much sarcastic as he allows for colloquialism when he explicitly mentions the controversial topic of the past injustices “Australia’s colonial history is a what the Americans would call a hot button issue.” The extended metaphor “hot button” has been used to highlight his ironic tone as he invites audiences to sympathise with him against their critic. While Pearson’s speech offers textual integrity, its purpose becomes universal as audiences of any context resonate with the rhetoric and perennial values.
Like Pearson, Sadat’s ‘Speech to the Israeli Knesset’ is an excerpt that exemplifies the values of peace, unity and justice after inevitable conflict in the human condition. These principles are stemmed from the Arab-Israeli conflict, however, Sadat strategically draws on the wider international appeal to retain universal value and transcend contextual boundaries. The composer controversially contends for “the establishment of peace” and reconciliation during tense times in an apprehensive macrocosm as he insists for social and political change. The exordium of Sadat’s speech produces a peaceful and devout tone as the composer alludes and worships god in the reference “In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful.” The allusion to Abrahamic religions continues throughout the speech as Sadat unites devout audiences through the inclusive language “We all, Muslims, Christians, Jews…” compounded by the religious reassurance “God willing” highlighting that religion is a relative factor to universal audiences that endures value and transcends time. Sadat’s purpose is made clear when he explicitly addresses the “impetus to all international efforts exerted for peace” which presents him as a world leader aspiring to establish reconciliation and unity through collective justice. The further use of anaphora through the repetition of “peace” emphasises the importance of its nature and value to Sadat.
This speech appeals to common values of peace, unity and justice utilised in a sequence of adjectival clauses in order to build a climax; which is perceived in the principle phrase “let us be frank.” It is through Sadat’s first person narration that we are able to connect and allude to his purpose and language. Sadat combines inclusive pronouns “us all” to emphasise the importance of peace through unity. Throughout the kairos of his speech he uses the cliché phrase “ladies and gentlemen” to impose that he is a dignified diplomat. As the speech concludes, Sadat illustrates images through the accumulation of vivid inclusive pronouns that have cruel connotations to condemn the atrocities of injustices of the past including “bloodshed, death, wailing of victims.” Like Noel, Sadat encourages social and political change through his rhetorical questioning “why don’t we stand together?” persuading audiences to challenge against oppression for peace and unity. The rhetoric question leaves a lasting impression on the responder and thus creates a consensus where “the bells of peace ring.” Thus, Sadat exemplifies the enduring values of peace, unity and justice that is relevant to universal audiences and the human experience.
Through critical analysis of Anwar Sadat’s “Speech to the Israeli Knesset” and Noel Pearson’s “An Australian History for Us All” we are able to explore the value of rhetoric in articulating paradigms. Their focus on human aspirations of reconciliation and peace continue to resonate in modern audiences, with their underlying compassion contributing to a universal understanding for human bonding. Despite different interpretations of the text influenced by contextual circumstances, these humanistic beliefs continue to transcend contextual boundaries.
Post by: heids on July 06, 2015, 05:03:19 pm
Post by: heids on July 07, 2015, 09:11:31 am
Someone else might, but I'm not giving feedback on a generic topic-less essay, sorry.
Think about it this way. Examiners want to give you marks based on the skills you show that you have, right? But if you churn out a beautiful but not relevant piece that you memorised, maybe you’ve just paid a tutor to write that for you. They have no proof that you have any writing skills at all, maybe just that you’re rich!
So. My very firm opinion: examiners will give you better marks for a mediocre writing piece that’s relevant and really addresses the topic, than a brilliantly written piece of irrelevant twaddle. The topic is the be-all and end-all. And you can’t trick ‘em, their x-ray glasses see immediately when you try to cram in irrelevant stuff, about what you want the topic to be, not what it is.
Sure, you want a wide range of pre-prepared ideas and nice phrases that could work – so you can then select the relevant ones. But if in the exam you hit a hideous topic and none of your ideas quite fit, throw them out the window and start fresh and relevant. It won’t be as impressive, but it’ll score better. It shows that YOU actually have abilities in thinking about the prompt and coming up with your own stuff on the spot, which is what they want to see and will reward you for. And, if you don't have a topic, what are you actually writing about anyway? You don't have anything to say or any issue to address!
Moral of this long spiel: practise essays WITH a topic; it’s okay to write a generic essay, but more important is practising brainstorming individual topics and selecting relevant ideas. Throw me an essay on a specific topic (that'll give you some practice adapting) and I'll throw you feedback, okay?
P.S. Sure, many people memorise AND pull it off. But that's only through practising twisting your ideas to make them relevant, which is what I'm trying to get you to do. Hopefully I haven't confused you further :-\
Post by: heids on July 07, 2015, 05:07:31 pm
Hi! Can someone please help me out and have a read over my AOS essay? Thank you :)
Errmmm, you do realise I'd copied your previous essay that you posted and deleted down into a word document ready to mark...? and while I didn't do HSC I realise an invented 'generic' essay topic when I see it.
I'm not trying to withhold feedback or attack you; I'm just saying that feedback on a generic essay isn't going to be nearly as helpful as if you've written a proper essay to a proper topic! That's what's going to get you the marks, your ability to address a specific question. The best advice I can give you is to practice with specific essay questions, since relevance is one of the biggest things examiners are looking for. Seriously. When you do that, I'll mark it.
Post by: zaynabb on July 07, 2015, 06:16:51 pm
Errmmm, you do realise I'd copied your previous essay that you posted and deleted down into a word document ready to mark...? and while I didn't do HSC I realise an invented 'generic' essay topic when I see it.
I'm not trying to withhold feedback or attack you; I'm just saying that feedback on a generic essay isn't going to be nearly as helpful as if you've written a proper essay to a proper topic! That's what's going to get you the marks, your ability to address a specific question. The best advice I can give you is to practice with specific essay questions, since relevance is one of the biggest things examiners are looking for. Seriously. When you do that, I'll mark it.
Okay, thanks anyways! :)
Sorry for the hassle!
Post by: zaynabb on July 07, 2015, 09:36:24 pm
Mod C
Prescribed text: Selected poems by Judith Wright
How does the textual forms and features of your prescribed text and at least one other related material shape your understanding of People and Landscapes?
The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation. Tim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment.
Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land, stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature. . The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
The developing relationship with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes the spiritual potential rebirth of nature. The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.
The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey. The poem begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape.
Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force.
Post by: heids on July 08, 2015, 01:37:42 pm
Post by: heids on July 10, 2015, 05:02:34 pm
First want to say that your language usage is truly beautiful throughout, you've hit that balance between sounding like a grade 2 vocab and sounding like you're trying to cram in 'big words' where they don't fit. I FULL-ON LOVE IT! Also, you seem to have a real feel for poetry - your analysis of the rhythm, metaphors and 'feel' behind the words is at times utterly impressive. Excellent. In these areas, your essay is just so band-six!
But hope you cope with someone slamming you throughout, I'm the sort that just always sees the holes! Let me know if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the most brilliant at clear logical feedback ::)
The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation what exactly do you mean by 'restabilise the human condition'? I'm not a fan of vague but impressive-sounding sentences; always, before you write a sentence, think 'exactly what does this mean, in plain basic English?' +, 'evoke opportunity'=not quite the right word. Use a linking wordTim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment. Can’t say much on the intro lol, seems really great to me. I’d just strengthen the links/contrast between the two texts.
Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor how do you ‘trigger’ a metaphor? Wrong word. Rephrase: The title’s vivid image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape, ‘the Quarry’, metaphorically highlights nature’s fecundity following great destruction. Tip: turning a technique (e.g. metaphor) into an adverb, like ‘metaphorically [highlights/reveals/stresses/depicts]’ can make your writing smoother and nicer to read. If you refer directly to too many techniques, and your paragraph becomes a constant repetition of ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’, it gets a bit choppy, repetitious and boring. ‘Hiding’ your techniques a bit in adverbs helps with flow and interest. about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land how do you reconcile with harshness? Cool idea, but could be expressed a bit more clearly., stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Avoid stating that someone uses a technique, e.g. alliteration, without explaining why they use that, the impact, how it contributes to the overall messages, how it contributes to your paragraph’s argument. Putting in a technique for the sake of it can look like you’re just trying to impress the examiner with your metalanguage – but unless you analyse that technique, you might as well not even mention it! The whole point is the analysis. So as a rule of thumb, never mention a technique or quote without then going on to analyse exactly the impact of it. Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it I highlighted it red to show that you’ve already said this whole sentence before – there are a couple of problems with that: a) repetition is just a bit irritating/annoying; b) it sounds like you don’t have anything else to say, so you just repeat to pad out a paragraph; and c) it takes away a sense of development or building in the paragraph. Try to avoid repeating ideas, and if you do repeat, at least come up with a different way of structuring/phrasing the idea.. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature Here’s where you could take it to a higher level – like, I get that of course that simile reveals the impact of man’s destruction! BUT, I want you to explain it to me. Think of me like a 5-year-old kid – I want you to fill in every possible gap, step me through it like I’m not all there. Explain exactly what the simile does – how does the ‘wrecked skull’ make me feel? What is it about the choice of those particular words that really highlights man’s destruction of nature? I mean, what you’ve got is good, but ANYONE could write that, and you don’t want to be just ‘anyone’. You want to stand out by filling in the gaps and explaining exactly how the technique causes that overall effect. The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. Again, here’s an opportunity to break out of the ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’ structure, for some variety and to break up the check-listy feeling. Instead of ‘the personification of’, a noun technique, try a verb: ‘Personifying the Quarry as…’ or ‘By personifying the Quarry as…’ You’re still including a technique, but a bit more subtly and ‘nicely’. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
I highlighted two sentences blue, because I couldn’t quite see how they fitted into the rest of the paragraph. You’re discussing throughout how Wright really highlights man’s destruction of nature, and the fragility of nature – and then at a couple of random places you mention how Wright shows the land’s regrowth/fruitfulness, which actually contradicts the rest of what you’re saying a bit. What you’ve said is GOOD and insightful, but it doesn’t fit in. It fits more in the next para, actually.
The developing relationship what do you mean here? Whose developing relationship? Remember I’m a dumb idiot and don’t get what you’re sayin’ unless you explain carefully! with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience. Draw further how this impacts the audience and makes them feel about the landscape, or what it presents about the landscape. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience unclear – sounds like you have a really great idea/feel there, but it just hasn’t translated very clearly onto paper of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. So, how does this link with the sentences around it? The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes good! ‘metaphorically connotes’ = brilliant the spiritual potential rebirth of nature. The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages Me no understand. What has escaping blood from damaged vessels got to do with reawakening/rebirth? You need to step me through it, explaining exactly how the metaphor conveys that message!. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.
The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. I can’t 100% see what the first half of that sentence has to do with the last half – it feels like two totally different ideas crammed together, while the paragraph should have one single focus or purpose. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Boy oh boy, do you write nicely. Love it bruh. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey. The poem which poem, btw? label exactly what you’re talking about begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. Three short chop-chop sentences; all of them could do with a bit more explanation, and linking together. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth This was what I meant by not naming techniques for the sake of naming techniques; sure, it’s a half-rhyme, but if you can’t draw any message out of that, then DON’T mention it.. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
I’m a bit concerned that you’re just taking a poem and chronologically analysing its language/techniques, without thinking all the time about the THEMES and messages, the bigger picture.
Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Sure, but what does that do? Your aim is to never leave the reader wondering, why did you just say that piece of evidence? With EVERY SINGLE THING you put in, explain why you included it, and what it shows about your overall paragraph idea or contention. Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape. Time to zoom out now; you’ve now got to tie together all of the techniques you’ve mentioned, and draw out the overall, broader message
Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. OK. You really need to change something here. Firstly, you’ve put your related text in a separate paragraph rather than integrating them, but secondly you haven’t even used linking words! The essay is like You seriously seriously seriously NEED to link the two texts, and compare how they present people and landscapes – you’ve got to dig into how they use different techniques to present different messages and directly contrast them. Your mark will be severely limited if you just stick two separate short essays together like this. His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. <-- run-on sentence Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona again, need you to explain; how does that imagery actually position the reader to engage? In your head, I’m sure you’ve thought through the ways that that imagery works; but IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER, you leave a gap and start to sound like you’re jumping to tenuous, unsupportable conclusions! Think of it like the working marks in maths – often, even if you get totally the right answer and did it all the right way, if you don’t write it out, you won’t even get half marks. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Steer clear of broad vague fluffy sentences like this, anyone could say them and they don’t provide any new insights. Try ‘Winston’s figurative language…’ and dive straight into the specific themes/messages, rather than vaguely referencing the entire topic. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force. Yay. Finally, for the first time in the whole essay, you’re comparing them. But one sentence isn’t enough!!! Give me more!
Try interweaving the two texts throughout your paragraphs, rather than having the related text in a separate paragraph. This is really really important. You want to be directly showing the contrasts and similarities between their techniques, forms and messages.
Quotes
You could practice integrating quotes more smoothly. You quite often do this: ‘… blah blah technique QUOTE…’, i.e. just dumping the quote immediately after the technique without weaving it into the grammar of your sentence.
e.g. ‘Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’,…’
‘…the neoromantic overtones of dualism ‘consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to…’
If you read it out loud, you’ll see that the quote just doesn’t fit in there.
At the very least, you need commas: ‘opening with tactile imagery, ‘stirred’,…’ but even that is a bit of a dodge or ‘fake’ way of getting the quote to fit in the sentence. Try ‘Opening with tactile imagery IN THE WORD ‘stirred’…’, or rearrange the sentence completely.
Next: you want to avoid becoming a list of techniques. Techniques are really important, but if you just start listing them off, dedicating 1-2 sentences to each, it can really get in the way of paragraph development. You can end up with a fragmented checklist of ‘this does this, this does this, and this does this’, and forget to zoom out to the overall message of your paragraph. Often, your list of techniques don’t build off each other, because either they just repeat exactly the same point, or they have quite different points that don’t work together very well. Don’t see techniques as the end-point, but as the MEANS to the end – they’re your fodder which you use to demonstrate your overall message, firstly of your paragraph and then of your whole essay.
You also want to avoid chronologically analysing the techniques in a poem - feel free to jump round within and between poems, picking out only the stuff that's 100% relevant to your overall point.
Technique ----> effect ----> overall idea of paragraph ---> overall idea of essay.
A minor expression concern that I’ve touched on a few times throughout: your repeating structure, ‘the author uses this technique ‘here’ to show…’. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but if you repeat it countless times in a row, it gets a bit boring, choppy and like a checklist. To increase flow and communicate your ideas better, try these tips:
- Sometimes turn the techniques (nouns, e.g metaphor, personification) into either adverbs or verbs.
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to present... ==> The author metaphorically presents…
The author personifies X as Y…’ ==> ‘Personifying X as Y, the author… - Start some sentences with ‘verb-ing’, or ‘by verb-ing’. (You’re already doing this, but there are some places you could do it more.)
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… [message] ==> Highlighting [message], the author uses the metaphor ‘X’.[/i]
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… ==> By using the metaphor ‘X’, the author highlights… - Break it into two sentences, and start the second sentence with ‘This’. Hence, instead of overtly labelling the technique in the first sentence (‘the author uses X technique’), you kinda sneak in the technique name in the second sentence – really helps flow.
The author uses a metaphor when she says ‘X’… ==> The author says ‘X’ and does ‘Y’. This metaphor reveals…
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Post by: brenden on July 11, 2015, 01:05:19 pm
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)
Spoiler
Quote
“All representations are the result of selection.” To what extent does your study of People and Landscapes support this statement? In your response, make detailed references to your prescribed text.
Perspectives represent the multiplicity of ways in which individuals view their world, and when foregrounded by composers in a unique an evocative manner, significantly shape the way the audience responds to events and landscapes. In his novel The Art of Travel (2002), De Botton employs a unique perspective on people and landscapes to shape and distort the text, manipulating the audience’s understanding that all representations are the result of selection. This is done in a philosophical inquiry of travel, with references to selected artists and writers as well as his personal experiences that are representative of the universal human experience. Thus, by examining the anecdotal viewpoints regarding the disjunction between reality and representation, De Botton explores the philosophy of our selections of landscapes and how this impacts our mental and physical state.
To convey his interpretation of the representations of landscapes and how they are the result of selection, De Botton employs literary devices in a unique structural format to pursue his philosophical inquiry into the art of travel. In doing so, he broadens the discussion of travel and examines our relationship with landscapes and how they affect us as individuals. Throughout the text, inclusive pronouns like “we” are used regularly to engage the reader and claim a universality of experience, suggesting his ideas apply to all. He constantly refers to the experiences of 18th and 19th century writers and artists such as Hodges and Baudelaire to provide a Western Humanist framework for his ideas. Paintings such as “Winter Sun” allow him to physically construct landscapes for us, demonstrating how imagined landscapes are the result of deliberate selection. Furthermore, the recounts of his travel guides present a form of sensory, emotional, and psychological experience, as well as his personal anecdotes that give a sense of authenticity and intimacy. Additionally, De Botton offers a selection of unorthodox imagery such as “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent” to apply careful detail on objects and landscapes otherwise banal, ugly, or overlooked, showing the selectivity of the minds that “omit and compress, cutting away the periods of boredom.” Finally, a motif of the tree enables a sense of continuity as well as a comparison between landscapes, as it is the only constant feature in his numerous landscapes. He explicitly derives that “empty of life, without trees” – the tree representing landscapes as a whole, and whether we select to recognise it as part of our psychological development. Therefore, by accentuating his perspective through a powerful structural format, De Botton is able to shape the reader’s understanding of the representations of landscapes.
In his introductory chapter “On Anticipation”, De Botton exemplifies the disjunction between perceptions of an imagined landscape in comparison to the reality, highlighting that representations of landscapes are simply the product of our selective imagination. He begins with emotive language to depict the winter of London that he describes with adjectives such as “relentless”, “ominous”, and “forbidding”. The bleak imagery is a reflection of his emotional state and suggests his desire to leave. His real London experience of the landscape is contrasted with the imagined landscape of Barbados that is described with pleasant sensory language of “relief”, “sweet”, and “turquoise” where De Botton lends visual imagery to emphasise its beauty by referencing William Hodges’ painting “Winter Sun”. The effect is to allow the audience to recognise that the beauty of a landscape may be solely determined by one’s exposure to representations constructed by writers and artists. This idea is cemented by intertextuality of the character Des Esseintes, who was allured by the landscape of London constructed by Dickens but en-route to the city, ultimately “paid the bill, left the tavern…and never left home again.” The humorous anecdote leads on to the idea that “The reality of travel is not what we anticipate” and that “reality must always be disappointing.” The selective nature of anticipation is further reiterated in De Botton’s personal anecdote in Barbados, where after two months of anticipation “Nothing was as I imagined.” He describes this in the theatrical allusion that juxtaposes the reality of a landscape to theatregoers who project their imagined landscape onto the backdrop of a stage (Page 12). De Botton then accentuates this with accumulative imagery - “We sit in a train. Lunch digests awkwardly within us. The seat cloth is grey” that shows how our selective imagination of landscapes tends to ignore the reality whereby “those eyes were intimately tied to a body and mind which will travel with me wherever I went.” By stating this, De Botton concludes with the intertextual quote by Des Esseintes “imagination could provide a more-than-adequate substitute for the vulgar reality of actual experience.” Therefore by collectively utilising the works of 18th/19th century artists and painters, as well as anecdotes, De Botton is able to engage the reader, thus conveying the idea that anticipation is simply a selective representation of imagination, often leading us to the disappointment of reality.
People and landscapes are explored in an evocative examination of the conflicting perspectives associated between the calm and restorative natural landscape and the artificial city environment. This opinion is represented primarily through the poetic literature by William Wordsworth who emphasises on the emotions confronted by the beauty of nature – “nature can so inform; the mind that is within us.” The philosophy of Wordsworth is backed up by De Botton’s own experiences in the Lake District where pleasant imagery of “perfect weather” evokes emotional explorations. This leads to the Wordsworth’s words that “regular travel through nature was a necessary antidote to the evils of the city” where clear contrast is made between the sensory language that depicts “the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities” compared to nature that would “dispose us to seek out life in each other.” De Botton cements this idea by juxtaposing his everyday banality to the beauty and poetry of the natural scene before him. So by stating “identities are to a greater or lesser sense malleable”, De Botton suggests that selecting the landscape you are in will in effect determine your individual state of mind and physicality.
By acknowledging the complex nature of perspectives and representation that arise in response to situations and personalities, De Botton is able to extend and shape the reader’s perspective on representations of landscapes. His careful selection of structure as well as skilful presentation of personal and universal struggles explores the art of travel in unique and evocative ways.
“All representations are the result of selection.” To what extent does your study of People and Landscapes support this statement? In your response, make detailed references to your prescribed text.
Perspectives represent the multiplicity of ways in which individuals view their world, and when foregrounded by composers in a unique an evocative manner, significantly shape the way the audience responds to events and landscapes.cool opening sentence In his novel The Art of Travel (2002), De Botton employs a unique perspective on people and landscapes to shape and distort the text, manipulating the audience’s understanding that all representations are the result of selection I see that you're trying to respond to the prompt, but I don't see what you're properly trying to ssay?. This is done in a philosophical inquiry of travel, with references to selected artists and writers as well as his personal experiences that are representative of the universal human experience. Thus, by examining the anecdotal viewpoints regarding the disjunction between reality and representation, De Botton explores the philosophy of our selections of landscapes and how this impacts our mental and physical state Good close. not a bad intro at all!.
To convey his interpretation of the representations of landscapes and how they are the result of selection, De Botton employs literary devices in a unique structural format to pursue his philosophical inquiry into the art of travelClear topic sentence, and reads well. really good.. In doing so, he broadens the discussion of travel and examines our relationship with landscapes and how they affect us as individuals. Throughout the text, inclusive pronouns like “we” are used regularly to engage the reader and claim a universality of experience, suggesting his ideas apply to all. Your teacher would like this, good. He constantly refers to the experiences of 18th and 19th century writers and artists such as Hodges and Baudelaire to provide a Western Humanist framework for his ideas. Feel like the red is a bit disconnected - you just jump in your thought, without showing your reader that you're abotu to change topicsPaintings such as “Winter Sun” allow him to physically construct landscapes for us, demonstrating how imagined landscapes are the result of deliberate selection. Furthermore, the recounts of his travel guides present a form of sensory, emotional, and psychological experience, as well as his personal anecdotes that give a sense of authenticity and intimacy. Additionally, De Botton offers a selection of unorthodox imagery such as “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent” to apply careful detail on objects and landscapes otherwise banal, ugly, or overlooked, showing the selectivity of the minds that “omit and compress, cutting away the periods of boredom.” Really good paragraph so far, but just notice how in the last two sentences I've highlighted, you've used what's essentially the same structure. In Blue, you use a tricolon to say 'sensory, emotional, and psychological', and then you say "and... bla bla bla" to shove more info in, and then in red, you gain use the tricolon. Both sentences also start with "furthermore" and "additionally"... The structural repetition here slightly kills your flow, but otherwise, everything is going really well. (also, i just noticed your next sentence starts with finally, which further stutters the flow a bit) Finally, a motif of the tree enables a sense of continuity as well as a comparison between landscapes, as it is the only constant feature in his numerous landscapes. He explicitly derives that “empty of life, without trees” – the tree representing landscapes as a whole, and whether we select to recognise it as part of our psychological development. Therefore, by accentuating his perspective through a powerful structural format, De Botton is able to shape the reader’s understanding of the representations of landscapes.pretty strong paragraph in terms of analysis, and your expression is also really good, but as noted, the overall flow/'readability' could be improved to squeeze out the final marks.
In his introductory chapter “On Anticipation”, De Botton exemplifies the disjunction between perceptions of an imagined landscape in comparison to the reality, highlighting that representations of landscapes are simply the product of our selective imagination.Great topic sentence on a structural level. He begins with emotive language good, i can see your teacher loving it to depict the winter of London that he describes with adjectives such as “relentless”, “ominous”, and “forbidding”. The bleak imagery is a reflection of his emotional state and suggests his desire to leave. His real London experience of the landscape is contrasted with the imagined landscape of Barbados that is described with pleasant sensory language of “relief”, “sweet”, and “turquoise” where De Botton lends visual imagery to emphasise its beauty by referencing William Hodges’ painting “Winter Sun”.paragraph is flowing really well into itself at the moment The effect is to allow the audience to recognise that the beauty of a landscape may be solely determined by one’s exposure to representations constructed by writers and artists. This idea is cemented by intertextuality of the character Des Esseintes, who was allured by the landscape of London constructed by Dickens but en-route to the city, ultimately “paid the bill, left the tavern…and never left home again.” The humorous anecdote leads on to the idea that “The reality of travel is not what we anticipate” and that “reality must always be disappointing.” The selective nature of anticipation is further reiterated in De Botton’s personal anecdote in Barbados, where after two months of anticipation “Nothing was as I imagined.” He describes this in the theatrical allusion that juxtaposes the reality of a landscape to theatregoers who project their imagined landscape onto the backdrop of a stage (Page 12). De Botton then accentuates this with accumulative imagery - “We sit in a train. Lunch digests awkwardly within us. The seat cloth is grey” that shows how our selective imagination of landscapes tends to ignore the reality whereby “those eyes were intimately tied to a body and mind which will travel with me wherever I went.” By stating this, De Botton concludes with the intertextual quote by Des Esseintes “imagination could provide a more-than-adequate substitute for the vulgar reality of actual experience.” Therefore by collectively utilising the works of 18th/19th century artists and painters, as well as anecdotes, De Botton is able to engage the reader, thus conveying the idea that anticipation is simply a selective representation of imagination, often leading us to the disappointment of reality.This is a nearly flawless paragraph.
People and landscapes are explored in an evocative examination of the conflicting perspectives associated between the calm and restorative natural landscape and the artificial city environment. would probably strip back the adjectives to increase readibilityThis opinion is represented primarily through the poetic literature by William Wordsworth who emphasises
By acknowledging the complex nature of perspectives and representation that arise in response to situations and personalities, De Botton is able to extend and shape the reader’s perspective on representations of landscapes. His careful selection of structure as well as skilful presentation of personal and universal struggles explores the art of travel in unique and evocative ways.
This is just a really solid, well done job. You will surely smash Mod C on trials.
Post by: zaynabb on July 11, 2015, 09:30:21 pm
Well, here goes!
First want to say that your language usage is truly beautiful throughout, you've hit that balance between sounding like a grade 2 vocab and sounding like you're trying to cram in 'big words' where they don't fit. I FULL-ON LOVE IT! Also, you seem to have a real feel for poetry - your analysis of the rhythm, metaphors and 'feel' behind the words is at times utterly impressive. Excellent. In these areas, your essay is just so band-six!
But hope you cope with someone slamming you throughout, I'm the sort that just always sees the holes! Let me know if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the most brilliant at clear logical feedback ::)
The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation what exactly do you mean by 'restabilise the human condition'? I'm not a fan of vague but impressive-sounding sentences; always, before you write a sentence, think 'exactly what does this mean, in plain basic English?' +, 'evoke opportunity'=not quite the right word. Use a linking wordTim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment. Can’t say much on the intro lol, seems really great to me. I’d just strengthen the links/contrast between the two texts.
Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor how do you ‘trigger’ a metaphor? Wrong word. Rephrase: The title’s vivid image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape, ‘the Quarry’, metaphorically highlights nature’s fecundity following great destruction. Tip: turning a technique (e.g. metaphor) into an adverb, like ‘metaphorically [highlights/reveals/stresses/depicts]’ can make your writing smoother and nicer to read. If you refer directly to too many techniques, and your paragraph becomes a constant repetition of ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’, it gets a bit choppy, repetitious and boring. ‘Hiding’ your techniques a bit in adverbs helps with flow and interest. about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land how do you reconcile with harshness? Cool idea, but could be expressed a bit more clearly., stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Avoid stating that someone uses a technique, e.g. alliteration, without explaining why they use that, the impact, how it contributes to the overall messages, how it contributes to your paragraph’s argument. Putting in a technique for the sake of it can look like you’re just trying to impress the examiner with your metalanguage – but unless you analyse that technique, you might as well not even mention it! The whole point is the analysis. So as a rule of thumb, never mention a technique or quote without then going on to analyse exactly the impact of it. Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it I highlighted it red to show that you’ve already said this whole sentence before – there are a couple of problems with that: a) repetition is just a bit irritating/annoying; b) it sounds like you don’t have anything else to say, so you just repeat to pad out a paragraph; and c) it takes away a sense of development or building in the paragraph. Try to avoid repeating ideas, and if you do repeat, at least come up with a different way of structuring/phrasing the idea.. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature Here’s where you could take it to a higher level – like, I get that of course that simile reveals the impact of man’s destruction! BUT, I want you to explain it to me. Think of me like a 5-year-old kid – I want you to fill in every possible gap, step me through it like I’m not all there. Explain exactly what the simile does – how does the ‘wrecked skull’ make me feel? What is it about the choice of those particular words that really highlights man’s destruction of nature? I mean, what you’ve got is good, but ANYONE could write that, and you don’t want to be just ‘anyone’. You want to stand out by filling in the gaps and explaining exactly how the technique causes that overall effect. The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. Again, here’s an opportunity to break out of the ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’ structure, for some variety and to break up the check-listy feeling. Instead of ‘the personification of’, a noun technique, try a verb: ‘Personifying the Quarry as…’ or ‘By personifying the Quarry as…’ You’re still including a technique, but a bit more subtly and ‘nicely’. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
I highlighted two sentences blue, because I couldn’t quite see how they fitted into the rest of the paragraph. You’re discussing throughout how Wright really highlights man’s destruction of nature, and the fragility of nature – and then at a couple of random places you mention how Wright shows the land’s regrowth/fruitfulness, which actually contradicts the rest of what you’re saying a bit. What you’ve said is GOOD and insightful, but it doesn’t fit in. It fits more in the next para, actually.
The developing relationship what do you mean here? Whose developing relationship? Remember I’m a dumb idiot and don’t get what you’re sayin’ unless you explain carefully! with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience. Draw further how this impacts the audience and makes them feel about the landscape, or what it presents about the landscape. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience unclear – sounds like you have a really great idea/feel there, but it just hasn’t translated very clearly onto paper of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. So, how does this link with the sentences around it? The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes good! ‘metaphorically connotes’ = brilliant the spiritual potential rebirth of nature. The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages Me no understand. What has escaping blood from damaged vessels got to do with reawakening/rebirth? You need to step me through it, explaining exactly how the metaphor conveys that message!. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.
The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. I can’t 100% see what the first half of that sentence has to do with the last half – it feels like two totally different ideas crammed together, while the paragraph should have one single focus or purpose. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Boy oh boy, do you write nicely. Love it bruh. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey. The poem which poem, btw? label exactly what you’re talking about begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. Three short chop-chop sentences; all of them could do with a bit more explanation, and linking together. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth This was what I meant by not naming techniques for the sake of naming techniques; sure, it’s a half-rhyme, but if you can’t draw any message out of that, then DON’T mention it.. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
I’m a bit concerned that you’re just taking a poem and chronologically analysing its language/techniques, without thinking all the time about the THEMES and messages, the bigger picture.
Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Sure, but what does that do? Your aim is to never leave the reader wondering, why did you just say that piece of evidence? With EVERY SINGLE THING you put in, explain why you included it, and what it shows about your overall paragraph idea or contention. Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape. Time to zoom out now; you’ve now got to tie together all of the techniques you’ve mentioned, and draw out the overall, broader message
Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. OK. You really need to change something here. Firstly, you’ve put your related text in a separate paragraph rather than integrating them, but secondly you haven’t even used linking words! The essay is like You seriously seriously seriously NEED to link the two texts, and compare how they present people and landscapes – you’ve got to dig into how they use different techniques to present different messages and directly contrast them. Your mark will be severely limited if you just stick two separate short essays together like this. His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. <-- run-on sentence Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona again, need you to explain; how does that imagery actually position the reader to engage? In your head, I’m sure you’ve thought through the ways that that imagery works; but IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER, you leave a gap and start to sound like you’re jumping to tenuous, unsupportable conclusions! Think of it like the working marks in maths – often, even if you get totally the right answer and did it all the right way, if you don’t write it out, you won’t even get half marks. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Steer clear of broad vague fluffy sentences like this, anyone could say them and they don’t provide any new insights. Try ‘Winston’s figurative language…’ and dive straight into the specific themes/messages, rather than vaguely referencing the entire topic. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force. Yay. Finally, for the first time in the whole essay, you’re comparing them. But one sentence isn’t enough!!! Give me more!
Try interweaving the two texts throughout your paragraphs, rather than having the related text in a separate paragraph. This is really really important. You want to be directly showing the contrasts and similarities between their techniques, forms and messages.
Quotes
You could practice integrating quotes more smoothly. You quite often do this: ‘… blah blah technique QUOTE…’, i.e. just dumping the quote immediately after the technique without weaving it into the grammar of your sentence.
e.g. ‘Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’,…’
‘…the neoromantic overtones of dualism ‘consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to…’
If you read it out loud, you’ll see that the quote just doesn’t fit in there.
At the very least, you need commas: ‘opening with tactile imagery, ‘stirred’,…’ but even that is a bit of a dodge or ‘fake’ way of getting the quote to fit in the sentence. Try ‘Opening with tactile imagery IN THE WORD ‘stirred’…’, or rearrange the sentence completely.
Next: you want to avoid becoming a list of techniques. Techniques are really important, but if you just start listing them off, dedicating 1-2 sentences to each, it can really get in the way of paragraph development. You can end up with a fragmented checklist of ‘this does this, this does this, and this does this’, and forget to zoom out to the overall message of your paragraph. Often, your list of techniques don’t build off each other, because either they just repeat exactly the same point, or they have quite different points that don’t work together very well. Don’t see techniques as the end-point, but as the MEANS to the end – they’re your fodder which you use to demonstrate your overall message, firstly of your paragraph and then of your whole essay.
You also want to avoid chronologically analysing the techniques in a poem - feel free to jump round within and between poems, picking out only the stuff that's 100% relevant to your overall point.
Technique ----> effect ----> overall idea of paragraph ---> overall idea of essay.
A minor expression concern that I’ve touched on a few times throughout: your repeating structure, ‘the author uses this technique ‘here’ to show…’. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but if you repeat it countless times in a row, it gets a bit boring, choppy and like a checklist. To increase flow and communicate your ideas better, try these tips:
- Sometimes turn the techniques (nouns, e.g metaphor, personification) into either adverbs or verbs.
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to present... ==> The author metaphorically presents…
The author personifies X as Y…’ ==> ‘Personifying X as Y, the author…- Start some sentences with ‘verb-ing’, or ‘by verb-ing’. (You’re already doing this, but there are some places you could do it more.)
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… [message] ==> Highlighting [message], the author uses the metaphor ‘X’.[/i]
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… ==> By using the metaphor ‘X’, the author highlights…- Break it into two sentences, and start the second sentence with ‘This’. Hence, instead of overtly labelling the technique in the first sentence (‘the author uses X technique’), you kinda sneak in the technique name in the second sentence – really helps flow.
The author uses a metaphor when she says ‘X’… ==> The author says ‘X’ and does ‘Y’. This metaphor reveals…
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THAAAAAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUU SO SO SO SO MUUUCHHH!!! I do sincerely appreciate your criticisms! Will work on it definitely!! Thank you heaps!!!!!
Post by: georgiadorahy on July 12, 2015, 06:08:53 pm
An inherent tension between stability and change is revealed through characterisation in Winton’s Cloudstreet. To what extent does your interpretation of Cloudstreet align with this view? In your response, make detailed reference to the novel.
I'm not sure if I have answered the question very well, also feel free to go crazy with the essay marking, I need all the help I can get. Thank you!
For most people, the experience of stability in one’s life is their desired state, therefore making the occurrence of change that many find difficult to come to terms with. As a result, there is an ongoing tension between the two states of existence for the characters in Tim Winton’s Cloudstreet. It is these situations of change that not only shape how the characters are portrayed, but it also offers a sense of relatability for the reader to effectively respond to the text, therefore heightening how Tim Winton’s novel possess a deep level of textual integrity.
The most notable change in the novel is when “Not all of Fish Lamb… (came) back”, and it is this event that catalyses the tension between stability and change that transcends the novel. It leaves Quick completely consumed by his guilt, which characterizes him as a pessimistic character as he tries to come to terms with his survivor’s guilt. The visual reminders of the suffering in the world are what in central to his pessimism, as it reminds him that “he was alive and well, and his brother wasn’t”. A metaphor is employed to convey how the images haunt him at night to accentuate how the change to the Lamb’s life leaves him emotionally scarred and consumed by his guilt, “But at night those cripples, those reffos, the starving weeping wounded on his walls wait till Quick is asleep and then they dance… as they throw themselves into a weird joyous tumult over his bed.” It is the characterization of Quick that is able to heighten the reader’s understanding of how change has impacted on his and other character’s lives, and leaves him yearning for more change to return it to a previous sense of stability in their lives prior to Fish’s accident.
However, following Fish’s accident, Fish tries to promote change in the other characters in order for them to feel at ease with themselves and live comfortably in a stable state. Quick believes that in going “walkabout” he will be able to be at ease with himself as he would no longer be in an environment that reminds him of the incident, however, Winton reveals via magic realism that his return is essential for him to forgive himself. This is catalyzed when he sees Fish “rowing a box across the top of the wheat”, and is emphasized with the repetition of Fish saying “Carn” to herald his homecoming. In this way, it become evident that upon his returns to Cloudstreet, Quick has come to terms with his guilt, as he knows that his brother loves and misses him. Therefore, although change is an experience that is challenging for some of the characters, it is one that is essential for them to be comfortably experience stages of stability.
The event of Fish’s drowning has a continuation of implications that lead to change in the lives of characters, such as Oriel. With Fish’s drowning, she deems it a “miracle”, which is fitting for the “god fearing” Lambs. However, when they realize he did not fully return, she is disillusioned with her faith in God. explained in Helen Thomson’s essay, “Losing that philosophy (a belief in God) which had formed her self has contributed to Oriel’s loss of identity… The tent becomes a symbol of Oriel’s alienation, not only from the house and family but from her self.” The character of Oriel therefore is one who persistently struggles with change as a result of her lack of identity from early on in her childhood; she even explains that “When I was a girl, I had this strong feeling that I did not belong anywhere”. The reflective tone established through past tense language highlights the enduring struggle Oriel faces with her identity, that heralds for constant change in her life in order to find her niche in society, which is why she defines her life as a “war”. Oriel is a character who does not deal well with change, as seen in her dramatic move to the tent, but needs to in order to find that she does in fact belong, and it is Fish who allows her to do this.
Although the change that arose from Fish’s death does not impact on him positively, the experiences that proceed that have a positive impact on both him and the other characters, as evidenced when the narration takes on the ‘Spiritual Fish’ character. A stream of consciousness passage conveys Fish’s intentions on allowing the Oriel to experience a shift in perspective in order to be one with herself, “keep strong Mum, keep the steel… Oh how I missed you all my life. You’ll see its best this way”. Thus, Fish’s thought process reveals that the ‘way’ he wants will be of most benefit for Oriel in order to no longer be alienated. Moreover, Fish’s death can be seen as the most dramatic change alongside his drowning, as it allows for a multitude of repercussions to occur, one of which being the connectedness with his other half, “I burst into the moon, suns and stars of who I really am.” The “moon, suns and stars” becomes symbolic to the reader of another dimension beyond the physical in which Fish is able to become unified with the half of him that was once lost. Thus, for some characters stability is the undesired state, as they need change to be one.
Despite change the undesired state of existence for many, it is a necessary experience in order to grow as a person. As a result of this, the responder can engage with the text through the purely human responses that Winton revealed through his characterization, thus highlight why Cloudstreet has textual integrity. Therefore, while there is ongoing tension between stability and change in the lives of the characters through the saga of Cloudstreet, the implications of these events are what herald to the reader how important it is to have the tension between these two states of existence to thrive, which is a lesson that all people can benefit from.
Post by: jaimebaker97 on July 14, 2015, 07:29:46 pm
I'm worried this essay doesn't have a solid structure and I feel like it's a bit all over the place.
The essay question was pretty basic "Discuss how elements of discovery was explored in the text 'The Tempest' as well as at least one related text"
Also feel free to be as critical as possible, i really need to improve this essay.
Thank You heaps :) :)
An individuals or groups discoveries or process of discovering can vary due to their society, culture, history or social statues. These discoveries can shape a person’s context and define themselves or a society. The idea of discovery is conveyed through the texts “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare, “Tomorrow When The War Began” by John Marsden and “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” by author unknown. These texts each portray several levels of discovery that define the characters and plotline, they can be compared and contrasted which develops a further understanding of the idea of discovery.
The altered perspective of Alonso shapes Prospero’s transition through “The Tempest”. Prospero’s inner journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release. Prospero learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm through the stage directions “A tempestuous noise of thunder and lightning heard” expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil conveyed through the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the built up rage Prospero has directed towards his brother. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses displaying the built up rage Prospero holds towards his brother. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used visual imagery to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.
The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation is represented through the character of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose himself, as well as his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony symbolises the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban.
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.
Post by: cricketlad1998 on July 15, 2015, 10:01:36 am
Thanks so much for this service, you're a legend! :) So here is my Mod A essay involving King Richard III and Looking For Richard, I may not be answering the question and my argument may not be concise and clear. So some feedback would be really appreciated. Thanks again :D (Note: I haven't done the conclusion)
Through exploring connections between texts, enriched perspectives of each text is possible
By exploring commonalities between texts we understand how although our human nature remains constant, our values are susceptible to change in different contexts. In Shakespeare’s Richard III, we discover the desire for authority present amongst us, and how this quest for power demands the sacrifice of an individual’s moral compass. Shakespeare’s 16th century context crafts the persona of Richard as; a quintessential Machiavellian vice, whose transgressions sully the Divine Order, which dictated the Christian Elizabethan society. Yet Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard (1997) has a different aim: creating a psychological portrait of a tragic Richard and embrace Shakespeare’s legacy as necessary for a multiracial, highly secular American audience, reflecting the authority exploited nature of modern politicians and leaders. Through the power of docudrama format, Pacino examines how our perception of morality has shifted in a post-modernist context, through his education adverse audience. Thus, the relationship between Shakespeare’s text and Pacino’s film epitomises that although the journey for power remains constant, it is appropriated to reflect the moral standards of society.
The quest for power is pursued for greater recognition, which hence prompts negative individual ambition. The War of Roses, during the 15th century transformed the honourable nature of power, into a largely self-driven Machiavellian cause, affirming the instability of control during the epoch. Thus, Richard’s exaggerated physical flaws illustrate a ruthless tyrannical figure who chooses “to prove a villain,” creating the perspective of an outcast in the York family. Richard’s endless drive for power stems from instability in the British monarchy considering his recognition of “hate of the idle pleasures.” The soliloquy of Richard’s rhetoric vindicates his marginalisation from social paradigms, to “dive thoughts, down to my soul,” personification reinforces Richard’s isolation to resort speaking to his audience, thus revealing that power needs to be recognised subconsciously before “by proof we see.” Initially, Richard’s ambition for supremacy is largely unrecognised by others but foiled through his attribute as a “foul hunch-backed toad.” In response, Richard questions the Divine Order by usurping his authority over God, who “bids us to do evil,” reiterating how the social cataclysms such as reformation of Protestant Religion allowed Richard’s jurisdiction to manipulate perception of religion. Thus, power is evoked by greater respect within society however can result in radical transformation of pre conceived notions.
However, power allows a wider scope of an individual’s mentality. Pacino’s Looking for Richard embodies post-modernist thinking; consequently empowering the viewer to be the judge of Shakespeare’s Richard III. Post-modernism is characterised through a late 20th century view that traditional forms of power are corrupt while free thinking serves as the basis of individual views rather than religion. Pacino manipulates our preconceived judgments about Shakespeare, through a fade in shot of the title, from ‘King Richard’ to ‘Looking for Richard,’ epitomising how modern audiences have the power to formulate their own perceptions without bias, utilising Shakespeare to “instruct us.” Furthermore, the essence to understand Shakespeare stems from modern day leadership where people “want a change,” with greater voice. Hence, breaking of the fourth wall from Pacino makes Richard’s leadership motives more accessible to the audience who have a “connection made.” Furthermore, the use of vox pops, allows Pacino to distribute authority and voice to mass American audience, thus bridging the stigma of “inferiority… from the British. Consequently, Pacino has the power “communicate…Shakespeare to others,” however alternatively uses Hollywood actors, to generate greater moral teachings so we “wouldn’t be so violent.” Essentially, Pacino extends his authority through this film format, to contextualise the relevance of Shakespearean ideas in a modern, multicultural society.
Morality and conscience are determined by the extent to which individuals pursue their desires, in which our socio-cultural context influences the reception of our actions by society. The immoral actions of Richard become highly chastised by an Elizabethan society which demean “God’s enemy.” Evidently, Richard acknowledges that others “hold him a foe,” establishing his forthcoming will to transform the nobility of the monarchy to a “boisterous storm,” pathetic fallacy is reinforced by a Citizen highlighting how Richard’s dispute from Providentialism created widespread injustice to “this son of York.” to how the ethics of society are commonly adapted monumental and widespread injustice towards “this son of York.” Notably, the hierarchy was reined through the Divine Order by an ailing King Edward of whom Richard confesses has no “touch of pity.” Consequently, Richard’s malicious conscience is allegorically recognised with “the boar,” on his coat of arms, reflecting the Elizabethan recognition of fate and external forces. Hence supporting Shakespeare’s affirmation of the Tudor Myth questioning Richard III’s legitimacy to rule, given the “defacer of God’s handiwork.” Furthermore, Richard’s lack of conscience is further rekindled by his mother; his birth was “a grievous burthen,” an accurate prophecy as he “murders his brothers.” Richard’s lack of regard for family ties vindicate a non-existent moral encompass which “Brother…G…the murderer be,” reiterating how the Elizabethan hierarchical system permitted Richard’s ability to manipulate the tactical nous of a “harsh extremity.” Ultimately, theocentric and feudalistic upholding during Elizabethan England permitted Richard to exploit his human morality, while his actions reinforce a villainous corrupted individual with his non-secular society.
Our morality can often be acknowledged by how we perceive and respond to our past shortcomings. Looking for Richard exhibits Richard as a morally flawed individual rather than a “grand tyrant of the Earth.” The docudrama format seeks alternate perspectives; by utilising the adoration of Pacino to shed greater perceptions on Richard’s inner working of conscience. Manipulation of chiaroscuro embodies Richard in darkness highlighting the extent of his disability juxtaposing the “some pity for him.” Pacino, attempts to re-establish how 20th century audiences with a greater sense of liberal ethics fail to understand Shakespeare’s emphasis on creating a “kind of devil.” Additionally, Pacino’s costuming of regal clothing contrasted with a baseball cap, indicates the collaboration within his character. Hence, Pacino conceptualises Richard as a modern cult figure, with common values rather than one who “wants to be king.” The ethics of leadership on the basis of one’s religious affiliations is also questioned through the meta-documentary format. Although, Pacino being Richard is prominent in non-secular Elizabethan society, Pacino transitions away indoctrination suggesting “a person has an opinion,” reinforcing the postmodern view against naïve realism. Hence, Pacino sets important scenes at the Cloisters rather than various religious confinements, enforcing the transition to which we base our fundamental principles on the achievement of mankind rather than God. Therefore, Looking For Richard enforces how our changing environment contributes to the degree that one’s moral conscience is assessed.
Post by: heids on July 22, 2015, 12:30:11 pm
All the best with your trial results guys! :D
Post by: Dump on July 26, 2015, 08:18:19 pm
This service is truly amazing, from what i've read, the feedback is so detailed and actually provide insightful knowledge to improve ones ability in order to write a band six essay.
Anyways... sadly i got my trials next week, if you could look at my discovery essay, creative and mod C: wag the dog essay it would mean the world to me! thanks
i have the marking criteria of Mod C attached within the document, unfortunately for creative writing and discovery text i do not have the criteria, but i would assume its similar.
i have few questions
in regards to discovery text
-do you see constant engagement with discovery concepts/rubric?
-do you see how the essay can be mended and suit the question on the day of trials? if not where can i change to improve?
-does some sentences make sense? I've :-[ been told by my tutor i sometimes use words out of content :/
in regards to Mod C, this is the very same essay i memorised and got 15/20 for. the essay question was
"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
-what is missing from my essay and the top band?
-where can i improve? sophistication? better techniques? structure?
In regards to creative
-does my creative convey the ideas/concepts of discovery clear?
i attempted to cover
-self discovery
-rediscovery at the end
-physical discovery
-ramification of scientific discovery
-emotional discovery
-self realization
-how discovery discerns the protagonists about himself and the others around him
-the endless future possibilities, new ideas and values stimulated by discovery
-how discovery may constrain further discoveries
Thanks so much for the help in advance. i'm really utilizing this opportunity to improve :)
Post by: brenden on July 27, 2015, 12:04:04 am
sadly i got my trials next weekpmsl right in the feels
I'm gonna do Mod C first. You should also check out the feedback I gave to another person doing WtD
Quote
in regards to Mod C, this is the very same essay i memorised and got 15/20 for. the essay question was
"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
-what is missing from my essay and the top band?
-where can i improve? sophistication? better techniques? structure?
Spoiler
Quote
Introduction – 152
The process of fabrication of power correlates with the political motivations of individuals in modern society. The desire to maintain power and authority are scrutinised with every political action, which has furthered encouraged politicians to maintain their authoritative position at all cost. In the film ‘Wag the Dog’ by Barry Levison and in the short story ‘The Weapon’ by Fredrick Brown, the tensions between people and politics are presented through cinematic and narrative forms. The discrepancy between people and politics is a key consideration within a plethora of texts which underscores contemporary social and ethical values. This is further reinforced with Levison’s portrayal of American politics and social anxieties through the thematic concepts of ‘ethics, truth and power’ similarly; Brown consolidates the concepts of power and autonomy through objective and collective perspectives. Ultimately both texts aim to demonstrate how public and collective perceptions are represented through the manipulative nature of social politics.
Ethics and morals – wag 161
The unethical and immoral actions pursued by politicians are a key element within the narrative of the film. This is evident in the scene when the opposition party exploits the sexual misconduct of the president to amplify his immoral actions. Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’ the news reporter has intensified the situation. In response, Mr Fix It is summoned by the President, Brean acts as impeccable representation of politics, who fabricates the truth. This is evident through Levison’s utilisation of cinematic techniques such as the juxtaposition of on screen and off screen characterization to further manipulate the public and distract them from the truth. Brean’s identity is exposed in the opening scene ‘there is no B3 bomber, im working on it……’ The repetitious phrase emphasise Brean’s definitive choice to deceive the public which highlights the irresponsible behaviour of politicians as they are ignorant of the cumulative effect of their actions.
Ethics and morals – weapon 96
Comparable, in ‘Weapon’ Dr Graham denies the anarchy his weapon could do. The line ‘I am working on a weapon….’ demonstrates through dialogue that he has rationalized his endeavours so that the side effects of his research are not his responsibility, this further portrays the careless nature of humans. This is similarly manifested in ‘Wag the Dog’, as Brean embodies an egotistical personality combined with his ignorant attitude. This is evident in ‘The war isn't over 'til I say it's over’. Ultimately this negligence of moral and ethical responsibility shows that individual goals surpass collective needs.
Society represented as unintelligent – wag 156
Levinson suggests that it is the public’s lack of discernment when consuming and receiving information and a social desire for heroic sensationalism that drives the success of the government's “pageant”. it can be argued that the government, led by Conrad Brean merely toys with the truth the American people wanted to believe; producing the war as a show to “give ‘em what they want”. The scene specifically the mid shot of the staged Albanian news report conveys the simplicity of stirring public sentiment with “poignant” images that exploits the public trust to gain emotive power. This is reinforced when an image illustrated in the non-diegetic film soundtrack of “The American Dream” which evokes patriotism by idealising “democracy” and “liberty” as the archetypal lifestyle.
Impact of politics on individuals – weapon 143
In addition, through Niemen’s action of giving Harry a loaded revolver, Frederic juxtaposes Graham’s opinion with Neman’s and suggests that actions always have consequences. The author amplifies Graham’s blindness to this in the line ‘only a madman would give a loaded revolver to an idiot’ clearly, Brown is points out Graham’s ignorance to his responsibility and substantiates his wrongfulness. The final quote uses irony and connotative words such as ‘idiot and ‘madman’’, which implies that the ignorance of certain members in society could result in the possibility of the catastrophic ramifications on humanity. This furthers the symbolic representation of the wide scale destruction that can be a result of inscience. Correspondingly in ‘Wag the Dog’ the destruction of society is executed by individual’s action. As evident in ‘we’re not going to have a war, we're going to have the appearance of a war.’
Power and authority – wag 121
Autonomy is determined by political capacities, as personal and social contexts are shaped by the media’s portrayal of contemporary issues such as election campaigns. This is evident in the film, as the establishment shot introduces political propaganda through advertising. The producer accentuates the agenda of politicians and their motivation to control society, this is seen through the use of historical allusion with the reference to Abraham Lincoln’s quote ‘don’t change horses midstream’ this further signifies the ambition of politicians to sustain their status. Ultimately in order to maintain an authoritative position and sovereignty it is essential to exploit the public with persuasive and duplicit means. Conclusively, in both texts the struggle for autonomy is a constant tension between individuals and minorities.
Autonomy – weapon 117
Autonomy is determined by an individual’s social status and their relationships with others. These relationships and the subsequent dichotomies in power highlight the skewed nature of politics. As apparent in ‘Weapon’ Graham’s dialogue ‘I fear you’re wasting your time …..’ uses assertive tone and hyperbaton to fragment and chunk the dialogue. This ascertains that the speaker has autonomy over the conversation and the wider situation. In addition, autonomy is depicted through Niemen’s action ‘I took the liberty of bringing a small gift to your son’ Brown foreshadows the reversal of power, where the situation reverts and the minority gains power. This subversive concept enforces the dynamic nature of autonomy and how it is a socially manipulated construct.
"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Introduction – 152
The process of fabrication of power correlates with the political motivations of individuals in modern society. This opening sentence has a lack of accuracy and specificity that make it not as appealing as it could be. For example, it seems that you're getting at the idea that people USE power in order to fabricate THINGS. This use of power to fabricate things is CORRUPT. That's what it seems like you're going for, here. However, "The process of fabrication of power" --- the process of faking power? How does one fake power? And what process do they use to do it?... The latter half of the sentence then gives the 'corruption' connotations, which is good and hits up the 'integrity' part of the prompt, but your opening sentence could be reworked with some added complexity and depth.The desire to maintain power and authority are scrutinised with every political action, which has further
I just mean getting deep into the prompt -- how will society be influenced by representations of power/integrity? What capacity does the composition have, to use the words of the prompt. I mentioned this in the opening sentence, and in the sentence of yours that I struck out because it was too general. Little things like these would add to your mark. Offer something insightful to the assessors. Legitimate insight that PROVES you've actually thought about the texts and the task at hand deeply.
Ethics and morals – wag 161
The unethical and immoral actions pursued by politicians are a key element within the narrative of the film. Your topic sentences would benefit from the stuff I've outlined in this postThis is evident in the scene when the opposition party exploits the sexual misconduct of the president to amplify his immoral actions. Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’ the news reporter has intensified the situation. In response, Mr Fix It is summoned by the President, Brean acts as impeccable representation of politics, who fabricates the truth. This is evident through Levison’s utilisation of cinematic techniques such as the juxtaposition of on screen and off screen characterization to further manipulate the public and distract them from the truth. Brean’s identity is exposed in the opening scene ‘there is no B3 bomber, im working on it……’ The repetitious phrase emphasise Brean’s definitive choice to deceive the public which highlights the irresponsible behaviour of politicians as they are ignorant of the cumulative effect of their actions.
One thing that sticks out about this paragraph is that your quotes aren't super well integrated. For example: Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’... The quote just get's 'stuck' into the sentence. When you integrate quotes, you want it to be "integrated into the sentence" as if it were a "part of your normal grammar". <--- you can see in that sentence that I just put quotation marks around words I was already going to type lol. But that's how it should be in your essay. It should be like.... 'Describing "sexual relations" with a girl only "thirteen years old" evokes disgust by pairing two objects the audience would normally consider incompatible'. --- You see how the quotes are just normal? Your writing lacks that at the moment, and I think it would be a big benefit to practise, even just for 30 minutes on a loose scrap of paper (it will make a big difference) just integrating quotes into your own personal grammar.
If you quoted things like the above with a bit more sharpness, you'd have more word space to talk about how the technique is truly impacting the audience's perception (i.e., the capacity of the composition etc -- the prompt) which would further boost your essay.
Ethics and morals – weapon 96
Comparable, in ‘Weapon’ Dr Graham denies the anarchy his weapon could do. The line ‘I am working on a weapon….’ demonstrates through dialogue that he has rationalized his endeavours so that the side effects of his research are not his responsibility, this further portrays the careless nature of humans. This is similarly manifested in ‘Wag the Dog’, as Brean embodies an egotistical personality combined with his ignorant attitude. This is evident in ‘The war isn't over 'til I say it's over’. Ultimately this negligence of moral and ethical responsibility shows that individual goals surpass collective needs.
I felt this paragraph was too short to really 'offer' much to the assessors. I'd consider lowering the amount of paragraphs and upping the amount of complexity or depth within each individual paragraph, because this one was too short for you to really do much work in the way of the criteria
Society represented as unintelligent – wag 156
Levinson suggests that it is the public’s lack of discernment when consuming and receiving information and a social desire for heroic sensationalism that drives the success of the government's “pageant” this is a better topic sentence that your first one. it can be argued that the government, led by Conrad Brean merely toys with the truth the American people wanted to believe; producing the war as a show to “give ‘em what they want” this is better quoting.. The scene specifically the mid shot of the staged Albanian news report conveys the simplicity of stirring public sentiment with “poignant” images that exploits the public trust to gain emotive power. This is reinforced when an image illustrated in the non-diegetic film soundtrack of “The American Dream” which evokes patriotism by idealising “democracy” and “liberty” as the archetypal lifestyle. I feel like you're not as tight to the prompt as you possibly could be. Like, there's not a lot directly discussing the depiction of power and integrity and the way in which WTD has the capacity to shape societal perceptions through the way it represents things.
Impact of politics on individuals – weapon 143
In addition, through Niemen’s action of giving Harry a loaded revolver, Frederic juxtaposes Graham’s opinion with Neman’s and suggests that actions always have consequences. The author amplifies Graham’s blindness to this in the line ‘only a madman would give a loaded revolver to an idiot’ clearly, Brown is points out Graham’s ignorance to his responsibility and substantiates his wrongfulness. The final quote uses irony and connotative words such as ‘idiot and ‘madman’’, which implies that the ignorance of certain members in society could result in the possibility of the catastrophic ramifications on humanity. This furthers the symbolic representation of the wide scale destruction that can be a result of inscience. Correspondingly in ‘Wag the Dog’ the destruction of society is executed by individual’s action. As evident in ‘we’re not going to have a war, we're going to have the appearance of a war.’
Power and authority – wag 121
Autonomy is determined by political capacities, as personal and social contexts are shaped by the media’s portrayal of contemporary issues such as election campaigns. This is evident in the film, as the establishment shot introduces political propaganda through advertising. The producer accentuates the agenda of politicians and their motivation to control society, this is seen through the use of historical allusion with the reference to Abraham Lincoln’s quote ‘don’t change horses midstream’ this further signifies the ambition of politicians to sustain their status. Ultimately in order to maintain an authoritative position and sovereignty it is essential to exploit the public with persuasive and duplicit means. Conclusively, in both texts the struggle for autonomy is a constant tension between individuals and minorities.
Autonomy – weapon 117
Autonomy is determined by an individual’s social status and their relationships with others. These relationships and the subsequent dichotomies in power highlight the skewed nature of politics. As apparent in ‘Weapon’ Graham’s dialogue ‘I fear you’re wasting your time …..’ uses assertive tone and hyperbaton to fragment and chunk the dialogue. This ascertains that the speaker has autonomy over the conversation and the wider situation. In addition, autonomy is depicted through Niemen’s action ‘I took the liberty of bringing a small gift to your son’ Brown foreshadows the reversal of power, where the situation reverts and the minority gains power. This subversive concept enforces the dynamic nature of autonomy and how it is a socially manipulated construct.
What is missing?
-Depth
-Specificity and complexity of response to the prompt --- "perceptive engagement with essay question". (Which also damages the extent to which the essay is a "highly effective" response.
Essentially, I think having so many paragraphs is a structural mistake, because it doesn't allow you to build on any of the content you put forward. Extremely talented writers might be able to get away with such a paragraph structure because they're able to successfully make the paragraphs flow into one another in a way that doesn't detract from their content. However, at the moment, your paragraphs are to some degree "removed" from one another, in a way that's like... Each paragraph, you read it, and it's like on the precipice of really "getting it", but then it ends before it goes into the requisite amount of depth. Then you go to the next paragraph and have the same experience. It would be good if you could extend a little bit, and really challenge yourself into really explaining in extraordinary and precise depth the techniques and how the text's representation of things impacts on the idea put forward by the prompt.
Doing this would also by default improve the way assessor's perceive your understanding of the rship between representation and meaning as well as your understanding of the text.
Sorry it's not more detailed, but I'm actually insanely tired right now considering it's only midnight. I gotta go to bed! Lol.
Post by: Dump on July 27, 2015, 12:20:08 am
Post by: brenden on July 27, 2015, 02:20:01 pm
I was about to sleep then got email notification about your reply haha. After school tomorrow I'll take a In depth look at all recommendations you've given and completely edit my essay. THANKS SO MUCH. And btw mod c was more of a theme/idea and I just wrote a paragraph on it, instead of actual essay, which is why it lacks flow. Will definitely edit and post it back here. Thanks again good night :)Haha, you're welcome! -- Yeah, I thought that might have been the case, I just couldn't make out what was going on with your word doc so treated it like a normal essay haha.
I'll do the Creative now. Remember to check out Creative Writing - Advice from a Cambridge Uni Student
Spoiler
Quote
A breath of fresh air filled my lungs as I stepped off my boat and onto the soft white sand. The grains bathed my feet, melding with my toes. I sunk deeper and deeper, becoming part of the beach. My knees dropped, and I laid flat on my chest. I scooped up the sand, moving it from one place to the next. I controlled this sand. For once in my life, I was actually in control of my surroundings. I could have laid here for hours if I wanted to, enjoying the sunshine and the calming sound of the crashing waves approaching the shore.!!There was no more ear-piercing gunfire.!!No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums.!!Instead, my daughter, Faith, was chasing the waves on the shoreline, splashing water higher than she could reach, laughing, as if ten Christmas’ had come at once. This was bliss!!Our satchels were being thrown onto the shore as I lost myself in daydreams. Faith and I picked them up and carried them to the minivan waiting by the road. Our lives packed into something so finite, it was an odd sight. But I was confident it was all for the best.!!We travelled down the road, in awe of our surroundings: people walking freely on the side of the road, wearing what they like with whom they like. There were children riding bikes and families enjoying uninterrupted conversation, never would I have seen such things where I grew up. Something was different, however. !!White people.!!
White people everywhere. I knew it was Australia and settled by the British, but I thought it had become a very multicultural place. There were a few black people, the ‘Aboriginals’ I had read about – but they certainly didn’t look too happy in their minority. Where were we Chinese to fit in, us so called ‘yellow skins’?!!As we stopped for fuel this sight continued. There were white Australians sitting on every street corner; smoking, drinking and dropping a swear word every thirty seconds. Looking around, it became apparent that we were the odd ones out, with attention mounting as every second pair of eyes was staring down at us.!!Then…!!...it happened…!!“Go back to where ya bloody came from ”!!The voice, echoing around the dull, lifeless streets, sent shivers down the spine of everyone in our group. Just like that, we knew we were not welcome. From the front porches, there were more chants - some less indecipherable than others. These people were drowning in their beer, blurring their vision and muddling their speech. There was shattered glass spread around the dusty petrol bowsers. The clanging of beer bottles, rolling and crashing around the kerbside, poured deep into our ears as more and more locals made us their centre of attention. Two men hurled spit in succession down onto the ground in front of us as they walked closely past, making us take a step back not only in fear, but nausea from their foul odour.!
“Bogans” said our local guide. “They’re a disgrace!” Confronted and dismayed, we paid for our fuel and continued our travels, relieved that these 'people' would not be our neighbours.!!Once arriving at our apartment, I introduced myself to the elderly lady at the front desk.!!“Well, well, well Who is this adorable young lady next to you?” she said.!!“Ah, this is ….. Sarah Yes, Sarah, say hello to the lady, Sarah”. Faith looked at me strangely, clearly confused by her new name. I told her that it was the name of a princess here in Australia and that people would love her even more if they called her that. With a smile, she innocently accepted this new name. Walking outside, we looked around and felt a relieving sense of peace. There was even a sand box just steps from our door. Dropping our things, Sarah and I walked over and sat down on the edge. The soft white sand was warm, like a hot stone massage for our feet. As we laid there, Sarah and I looked up at the blue sky and watched the sea gulls fly over.
We looked back down and felt our feet touch underneath the surface of the sand. !!Connected and at one. This was our new home.
Okay, so I've read the story, and I'm just going to talk generally about it before I make comments on the story itself.
Firstly, when your teacher says "punctuate correctly", what they mean is: you cannot use two punctuation marks next to one another. That is, at times, you use a full-stop and an exclamation mark, like this.!
Exclamation marks are considered as full-stops. Like, they end the sentence! You don't actually need a full-stop if you're using an exclamation mark or a question mark. Further, you never want two exclamation marks next to one another!! - This is used when we're writing on Facebook, or on forums, where we can convey alarm with things like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, in a creative writing piece, you want some subtlety. That is, you want to let the language convey alarm and excitement to the reader. For example,
Imagine I was telling a story about a man who was about 160cm - so he's very short. I met this guy at a bus stop and he had a really nice coat on that I think he bought from Tarocash, and his shoes looked really new as well. He was like "hey can you lend me some money for my Opal card", and then, out of no where, he pulled out a gun!
You'll notice that the story I'm telling is pretty 'normal', and then the language of "he pulled out a gun" is pretty surprising, so I DOUBLE-UP on that surprise by using an exclamation mark. "and then, out of no where, he..." --- breaking up the sentence with commas also conveys an alarm tone, because you can imagine someone saying it like that out loud. If I wanted a more ominous tone, I'd just use a full stop instead. Compare this to your writing:
Quote
There was no more ear-piercing gunfire.!!No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums.!!
Now, this is a pretty crazy observation! We're learning a lot about your character... The fact that they've witnessed gunfire and slums is insane. However, the "!!" is strange. Is the person meant to be conveying excitement? I feel like this language would be really good just with full stops. Look:
Quote
There was no more ear-piercing gunfire... No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums."
Without the excitement, and the edition of the ellipsis (...), now the tone is more "dark" and the type of shit the character's seen is conveyed to the audience better. This is why you should really cut down on exclamation marks. Full stops and 'dot dot dot' (...) can do a lot of work, as can rhetorical questions in first-person writing.
So:
-Use less exclamation marks
-Never use two punctuation marks next to each other unless it's a question mark and an exclamation mark, like this?!
-So always only punctuate with ONE of a full stop, question mark, exclamation mark to end a sentence
In regards to creative
-does my creative convey the ideas/concepts of discovery clear?
i attempted to cover
-rediscovery at the end
-physical discovery
-emotional discovery
-self realization
-how discovery discerns the protagonists about himself and the others around him
-the endless future possibilities, new ideas and values stimulated by discovery
-how discovery may constrain further discoveries
If we're being strict about it, which we should be, then your story doesn't explore any of the ones with a strikeout through them, and only really properly explores "physical discovery" through the concept of immigration - the first two thirds of the story do this well.
As for truly being able to explore discovery, notice that your story isn't predominantly about discovery, but it's about a boy who comes to Australia and subsequently "discovers" something. It's not "deep" into talking about discovery and all the implications that that complex concept holds (some of which you've mentioned in the strikeout text above).
Think about when you hit a piano key. If you just tap it, it makes that weird "dng" sound. You could tap a series of keys and it would just sound strange if you were just hitting them in a different way but in a particular sequence. Now, when someone who plays piano comes along and hits the keys in the same sequence, it sounds completely different. That's sort of where you're at with discovery. You're tapping the keys in sequence... Sure, you're character discovers a new place, there's 'self-discovery' very superficially with Faith/Sarah, resdiscover of sand... But just sort of "slotting" those little bits in doesn't actually really SAY much about discovery on a deep level. Like, at all. It just 'taps the keys' in sequence instead of playing the music.
"Playing the music" can be difficult for some students, particularly in a first person piece, because the temptation is to just tell the reader all about your character. "I did this, I did that" and bla bla bla bla bla. However, what you want to do is use your story as a vessel to really hone in on whatever concept you're discussing, and do it in an interesting way at the same time. Here's an example of one of my own short stories that focusses on the concept of "Identity and Belonging", in a similar way to how one might approach the concept of Discovery: 17/20 Identity and Belonging (Skin) Short-story Example.
Notice that I do tell a story of particular events, but all of them are very deliberately constructed in a way that is relevant to the prompt and shows some facet of Identity and Belonging. I'd somewhat change the method of your story and instead of just "showing" someone discovering something (i.e., someone comes to a new country, experiences something they didn't expect, discovers something bla bla etc), I'd want it to in some way discuss discovery. It might still be very similar, and I don't mean to literally have a discussion abotu Discovery, but "showing" is the equivalent of tapping the piano keys, and "discussing" is the type of depth that you get when you properly play a piano. Under "creating and presenting (context examples), check out people's creative pieces in this thread: English Resources and Sample High Scoring Responses --- it's not on the HSC syllabus, but it should illustrate the point. Read a few, and notice how some of them "show" and some of them are deeper. Don't worry about not knowing "identity and belonging". Not knowing will actually make it easier to observe which ones properly talk about it (you'll notice it) and which ones don't properly talk about it (you won't notice the concept of identity and belonging). [/list]
Post by: heids on July 27, 2015, 02:37:00 pm
Post by: Dump on July 27, 2015, 09:39:10 pm
tyvm
Post by: brenden on July 27, 2015, 09:49:48 pm
hey Nerd! here's the copy i was talking aboutHoly shit, this is way better than the other one. Detailed feedback tomorrow :)
tyvm
Post by: brenden on July 29, 2015, 12:08:05 pm
-does my creative convey the ideas/concepts of discovery clear?
i attempted to cover
-self discovery
-rediscovery at the end
-physical discovery
-ramification of scientific discovery
-emotional discovery
-self realization
-how discovery discerns the protagonists about himself and the others around him
-the endless future possibilities, new ideas and values stimulated by discovery
-how discovery may constrain further discoveries
You basically do all of these to some degree, some more prominent than others.
Honestly, I think it's very conceptually cool - definitely a step up from stories of migration, which a lot of people write about because it's a very natural thing to turn to. The springboard of scientific discovery works well in creating a story that's actually interesting to read.
The multiple elements work well, but not perfectly. (By multiple elements, I mean the bits before and after the *** that have different purposes in your story). They work well in keeping the reader interested, however, I think there's a bit too much ambiguity. The start was good, talking about mortality and the 'invention' - this piques the reader's interest, and it's deliberately unclear, which works well. I think you may need to introduce the H+ concept slightly earlier, because when I go to the bit about hugs I was like "what the fuck is he talking about" before I realised. That's not necessarily bad, because I later realised "Oh, that's what he's talking about", but I think it's good to never have your reader ask that question in the first place.
The difference between the first element and the second element is this: in the first element I was like "Hmm, I wonder what he's talking about? He's clearly about to introduce the explanation, so I wonder what it will be", and in the second element at the start it was like "um?????". --- Talking about hugs didn't have the same impact as talking about mortality. As in, I didn't realise you were about to explain it.
As for the third element, I didn't quite understand it. "Perform my duties" - I didn't fully understand what your protagonis's duties were. Was he like, a gatekeeper to the afterlife? Was he a hybrid H+ and a human? Adam committed suicide, but then there was a heart beating on the chest? I was just a bit confused by different things in the conclusion of this story, so I think reworking it would be somewhat beneficial.
Obviously I can't comment on the connection to the topic because there is none, but it's a well-written story that features the concept of discovery, so if you reworked it well, I think you'd be headed for a solid grade. Perhaps not quite a Band 6, but I think it would be inching up there with just a bit more hard work!
Post by: Dump on July 30, 2015, 02:11:36 am
here's my updated frost essay
2:10am right now, damn it
Post by: gk97 on July 30, 2015, 08:01:36 am
Thanks!
Post by: jaimebaker97 on August 03, 2015, 07:25:20 pm
I've already posted this essay I'm just reposting just in case :) This is my discovery essay and with the Trials coming up I'd love to have it checked! I'm worried about connections between texts and that my last paragraph isn't long enough. Feel free to be as critical as possible! Thank you again!!
The notion of self-discovery highlighted in “The Tempest” is manifested through the transformation of Prospero as he learns how to forgive. Prospero’s journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release, as he learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil which is heightened by the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the accumulation of rage Prospero has directed towards his brother, Alonso. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses further highlighting Prospero’s deep, merciless rage. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used visual imagery to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.
The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban.
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.
Post by: brenden on August 05, 2015, 12:41:22 pm
Spoiler
Over time immemorial human beings have strived to discover relationships with their esoteric and physical surrounds which are sourced from the fundamental sense of curiosity, necessity or wonder and provokes appreciation of self and the broader society. This process ultimately engenders new ideas that illuminate facets of individuals and possibilities that were previously unknown. As such, the deprivation or endowment of self-discovery holds the dual capacity to challenge and develop an individual’s sense of discernment of the human nature. Manifestly demonstrated in Robert Frost’s romanticist poetry ‘Mending wall’ and ‘Home Burial’, and Liam Connor’s filmic production ‘Time’; encompasses aspects of personal metamorphoses, that are catalysed by human interactions with surroundings.
Acceptance is a quintessential virtue required in instigating the diversification of underdeveloped human relations. In ‘Mending Wall’ Frost depicts persona’s epiphany of his own and his neighbour’s authentic relationship. In the lines, “set the wall between us” ”we keep the wall between us” The motif of “wall”, emblemises the physical estrangement between the neighbours, with a combination of repetition and visual imagery of the landscape, Frost exhibits the authenticity of the scene, portraying the characters striving for labour while remaining emotionally and psychologically alienated. Additionally, the extended metaphor is furthered in the lines “something there is that does not love a wall” the symbolism of wall is reiterated further through the syntactical inversion of the anastrophe, where the “wall” represents the barrier between individual’s and their eagerness to communication. As the essence of affiliation holds the capacity to include and exclude individuals, thus constraining the process of discovery.
Through the nurturing of a multi-faceted aspect of discovery, individuals face the struggle of preserving ephemeral human relations, resulting in an evaluation of self and innate progression towards self-actualisation. Evidently, in ‘Home Burial’ Frost explicates the wife’s desire to escape proximity, the use of assertive tone “come down the stairs” illustrates the desperateness of the husband in an attempt to eradicate the fortified barriers of physical distance conceived by the wife, in unification, “staircase” functions as a symbol of existential physical and emotional partition which suggests their inability to be on common ground, her undoing her “doubtful step” downwards while he advances upwards towards her. As such, the notion of separation explicates the multifaceted human nature and how individual’s choice may restrain another’s ability to explore.
The tension between interpersonal connections determines one’s ability to rejuvenate future perception on self and broader society. The struggle ingrained within human connection is similarly manifested in ‘Time’, a contemporary tropfest short film, which accentuates the fractured affiliation between the young protagonist and his “friends”. This is palpable in the orientation, where the unnamed protagonist gathers with his comrades in the middle of a deserted forest. The employment of point of view shot in combination with the use of vector lines highlights the downfall of the protagonist who got beaten up and is impotent on the ground. The slow planning shot of the protagonist staring up into the bullies reiterates his vulnerability, which underscores his self-realisation of his engagement in flawed human affiliation. In addition, the injection of anguished soundtrack when the protagonist tears up like a little bitch illuminates the deplorable aftermath of confronting discovery, this is furthered through the framing and extreme close up shot on the tear which also proposes the endeavours of blemished human relationships as the notion of teardrop associates with struggles and depression; this underscores the detrimental ramification from reliance of others.
'Mending Wall' deciphers the incompetence for interaction between the neighbours. As exhibited in the title, “mending” where the titular adjective suggests reparation and restoration but this is contradicted by the mixed connotations of the noun “wall” which is a divisive periphery representing obstacles preventing an individual’s eagerness to discover. Additionally, Frost’s use of active verbs, “sends” “spills” and “makes” conveys how the strange fluidity of “frozen ground swell” can create “gaps” so big that “two can pass abreast” combined with the caesura in the lines “the gaps I mean” Frost effectively reaffirms the conversational tone as the notion of “gaps” which symbolically represents the physical partition between the neighbours, which reiterates their inability to communicate, thus restrained to the introspective nature of humans.
Likewise, in ‘Home Burial’ the concept of individual’s ineptitude to connect has been elucidated. As displayed, the adversarial and fractured relationship between the wife and husband is palpable by her surety that he can “look” but “wouldn’t see” for from her perspective he is a “blind creature”. Frost uses dehumanisation in conjunction with the symbolism “blindness” to advocate the husband inability to communicate, thus disconnected to his surroundings. Moreover, the husband’s deterioration is established where it takes him “awhile” before he “as last” murmurs “oh,” and again “oh”. The husband’s utterance shows he has realised the flawed relationship; this is further reinforced with the fractured iambic structure on the following lines (18 and 19) which visually cue the highly charged and truncated conversation between them, which demonstrates the negative consequences of constrained relationship due to its capability to confine one from contemplation.
Correspondingly, in 'Time', the central notion revolves around the introspection of interpersonal relationship and its confronting ramifications. Connor mimics the vulnerability of morality, where the climax is depicted through the process of the protagonist’s mother essentially dying, explicates the ephemeral nature of life. Through the use of slow panning shot, in conjunction with the mise en scene of the forest, plus the concentrated framing of plants, Connor symbolises Mother Nature and its capacity to limit ones desire for self-examination. This is furthered through the application of extensive sound techniques, as apparent in the ending scene, when the van falls into the lake, the instalment of non-diegetic background music, in combination with the use of slow motion shot; this triggers anticipation, panic, sorrow, faith and astonishment. As such, the melody slowly fades which highlights the treacherous situation, seen through the use of the underwater shot, Connor displays the protagonist's mother is running out of breath, supported with the diminishment of the soundtrack. Conclusively, the silence hints the fleeting qualities of life and the adverse ramification of unanticipated and impulsive self-realisation.
Through insightful representations of the dynamic human nature, Robert Frost’s ‘Mending Wall’, ‘Home Burial’ and Liam Connor’s ‘Time’ analogously forefronts the problematic nature of disorientated relationships, which has provided a perception of human beings, advocating discoveries which endangers disparate dilemmas hinging on individual’s situations. Conclusively, the authors have successfully illuminated audiences on the imbedded intricacies of discovery, and its preponderance in the enrichment of an individual’s perception of self, and the broader society.
Acceptance is a quintessential virtue required in instigating the diversification of underdeveloped human relations. In ‘Mending Wall’ Frost depicts persona’s epiphany of his own and his neighbour’s authentic relationship. In the lines, “set the wall between us” ”we keep the wall between us” The motif of “wall”, emblemises the physical estrangement between the neighbours, with a combination of repetition and visual imagery of the landscape, Frost exhibits the authenticity of the scene, portraying the characters striving for labour while remaining emotionally and psychologically alienated. Additionally, the extended metaphor is furthered in the lines “something there is that does not love a wall” the symbolism of wall is reiterated further through the syntactical inversion of the anastrophe, where the “wall” represents the barrier between individual’s and their eagerness to communication. As the essence of affiliation holds the capacity to include and exclude individuals, thus constraining the process of discovery.
Through the nurturing of a multi-faceted aspect of discovery, individuals face the struggle of preserving ephemeral human relations, resulting in an evaluation of self and innate progression towards self-actualisation. Evidently, in ‘Home Burial’ Frost explicates the wife’s desire to escape proximity, the use of assertive tone “come down the stairs” illustrates the desperateness of the husband in an attempt to eradicate the fortified barriers of physical distance conceived by the wife, in unification, “staircase” functions as a symbol of existential physical and emotional partition which suggests their inability to be on common ground, her undoing her “doubtful step” downwards while he advances upwards towards her. As such, the notion of separation explicates the multifaceted human nature and how individual’s choice may restrain another’s ability to explore.
The tension between interpersonal connections determines one’s ability to rejuvenate future perception on self and broader society. The struggle ingrained within human connection is similarly manifested in ‘Time’, a contemporary tropfest short film, which accentuates the fractured affiliation between the young protagonist and his “friends”. This is palpable in the orientation, where the unnamed protagonist gathers with his comrades in the middle of a deserted forest. The employment of point of view shot in combination with the use of vector lines highlights the downfall of the protagonist who got beaten up and is impotent on the ground. The slow planning shot of the protagonist staring up into the bullies reiterates his vulnerability, which underscores his self-realisation of his engagement in flawed human affiliation. In addition, the injection of anguished soundtrack when the protagonist tears up like a little bitch illuminates the deplorable aftermath of confronting discovery, this is furthered through the framing and extreme close up shot on the tear which also proposes the endeavours of blemished human relationships as the notion of teardrop associates with struggles and depression; this underscores the detrimental ramification from reliance of others.
'Mending Wall' deciphers the incompetence for interaction between the neighbours. As exhibited in the title, “mending” where the titular adjective suggests reparation and restoration but this is contradicted by the mixed connotations of the noun “wall” which is a divisive periphery representing obstacles preventing an individual’s eagerness to discover. Additionally, Frost’s use of active verbs, “sends” “spills” and “makes” conveys how the strange fluidity of “frozen ground swell” can create “gaps” so big that “two can pass abreast” combined with the caesura in the lines “the gaps I mean” Frost effectively reaffirms the conversational tone as the notion of “gaps” which symbolically represents the physical partition between the neighbours, which reiterates their inability to communicate, thus restrained to the introspective nature of humans.
Likewise, in ‘Home Burial’ the concept of individual’s ineptitude to connect has been elucidated. As displayed, the adversarial and fractured relationship between the wife and husband is palpable by her surety that he can “look” but “wouldn’t see” for from her perspective he is a “blind creature”. Frost uses dehumanisation in conjunction with the symbolism “blindness” to advocate the husband inability to communicate, thus disconnected to his surroundings. Moreover, the husband’s deterioration is established where it takes him “awhile” before he “as last” murmurs “oh,” and again “oh”. The husband’s utterance shows he has realised the flawed relationship; this is further reinforced with the fractured iambic structure on the following lines (18 and 19) which visually cue the highly charged and truncated conversation between them, which demonstrates the negative consequences of constrained relationship due to its capability to confine one from contemplation.
Correspondingly, in 'Time', the central notion revolves around the introspection of interpersonal relationship and its confronting ramifications. Connor mimics the vulnerability of morality, where the climax is depicted through the process of the protagonist’s mother essentially dying, explicates the ephemeral nature of life. Through the use of slow panning shot, in conjunction with the mise en scene of the forest, plus the concentrated framing of plants, Connor symbolises Mother Nature and its capacity to limit ones desire for self-examination. This is furthered through the application of extensive sound techniques, as apparent in the ending scene, when the van falls into the lake, the instalment of non-diegetic background music, in combination with the use of slow motion shot; this triggers anticipation, panic, sorrow, faith and astonishment. As such, the melody slowly fades which highlights the treacherous situation, seen through the use of the underwater shot, Connor displays the protagonist's mother is running out of breath, supported with the diminishment of the soundtrack. Conclusively, the silence hints the fleeting qualities of life and the adverse ramification of unanticipated and impulsive self-realisation.
Through insightful representations of the dynamic human nature, Robert Frost’s ‘Mending Wall’, ‘Home Burial’ and Liam Connor’s ‘Time’ analogously forefronts the problematic nature of disorientated relationships, which has provided a perception of human beings, advocating discoveries which endangers disparate dilemmas hinging on individual’s situations. Conclusively, the authors have successfully illuminated audiences on the imbedded intricacies of discovery, and its preponderance in the enrichment of an individual’s perception of self, and the broader society.
Over time immemorial human beings have strived to discover relationships with their esotericesoteric is misused i think, or at least seems weird to use and physical surroundssurroundings which are sourced from the fundamental sense of curiosity, necessity or wonder and provokes appreciation of self and the broader society. Cool opening sentence. I'm nervous that you're going to end up throwing huge words at me that are supposed to be beautiful, but we'll see what happenesThis process ultimately engenders new ideas that illuminate facets of individuals and possibilities that were previously unknown. As such, the deprivation or endowment of self-discovery holds the dual capacity to challenge and develop an individual’s sense of discernment of the human natureBit awkward. Manifestly demonstrated what is manifestly demonstrated? these words are just stuck here a bit in Robert Frost’s romanticist poetry ‘Mending wall’ and ‘Home Burial’, and Liam Connor’s filmic production ‘Time’; encompasses aspects of personal metamorphoses, that are catalysed by human interactions with surroundings.
Cool! I can see you're really looking to broach big issues of discovery, which is fantastic.
Acceptance is a quintessential virtue required in instigating the diversification of underdeveloped human relations This sentence is just too much. When you shove too much 'fancy' words in a sentence, it detracts from what you're saying and probably starts to annoy your assessor. A little bit of it is okay and probably beneficial, but too much makes for ugly writing. In ‘Mending Wall’ Frost depicts persona’s epiphany of his own and his neighbour’s authentic relationship. In the lines, “set the wall between us” and ”we keep the wall between us” The motif of “wall”, emblemises the physical estrangement between the neighbours, with a combination of repetition and visual imagery of the landscape, Frost exhibits the authenticity of the scene, portraying the characters striving for labour while remaining emotionally and psychologically alienated This is an example of where 'too much' detracts, because I'm not fully sure what you're saying. You jumped form the physical disconnection to something about land and authenticity and then another jump to 'striving for labor' ??? --- just ensure that each of your ideas gets appropriate treatment and the time they deserve. if you have to leave something out, that's fine. it's better to have less done better than have lots done bt. Additionally, the extended metaphor is furthered in the lines “something there is that does not love a wall” the symbolism of wall is reiterated further through the syntactical inversion of the anastrophe, where the “wall” represents the barrier between individual’s and their eagerness to communication. As the essence of affiliation holds the capacity to include and exclude individuals, thus constraining the process of discovery.
Through the nurturing of a multi-faceted aspect of discovery, individuals face the struggle of preserving ephemeral human relations, resulting in an evaluation of self and innate progression towards self-actualisation. Evidently, in ‘Home Burial’ Frost explicates the wife’s desire to escape proximityescape proximity? this doesn't make much sense. this is where you have to be careful about the language , the use of assertive tone “come down the stairs” illustrates the desperateness of the husband in an attempt to eradicate the fortified barriers of physical distance conceived by the wife this is cool, in unification, “staircase” functions as a symbol of existential physical and emotional partition way too muchwhich suggests their inability to be on common ground, her undoing her “doubtful step” downwards while he advances upwards towards her. As such, the notion of separation explicates the multifaceted human nature and how individual’s choice may restrain another’s ability to explore.
The tension between interpersonal connections determines one’s ability to rejuvenate future perception on self and broader society. The struggle ingrained within human connection is similarly manifested in ‘Time’, a contemporary tropfest short film, which accentuates the fractured affiliation between the young protagonist and his “friends”. This is palpable in the orientation, where the unnamed protagonist gathers with his comrades in the middle of a deserted forest. The employment of point of view shot in combination with the use of vector lines highlights the downfall of the protagonist who got beaten up and is impotent on the ground. The slow planning shot of the protagonist staring up into the bullies reiterates his vulnerability, which underscores his self-realisation of his engagement in flawed human affiliation. In addition, the injection of anguished soundtrack when the protagonist tears up like a little bitch HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK XD did you forget to delete this? so funnyilluminates the deplorable aftermath of confronting discovery, this is furthered through the framing and extreme close up shot on the tear which also proposes the endeavours of blemished human relationships as the notion of teardrop associates with struggles and depression; this underscores the detrimental ramification from reliance of others.
'Mending Wall' deciphers the incompetence for interaction between the neighbours. As exhibited in the title, “mending” where the titular adjective suggests reparation and restoration but this is contradicted by the mixed connotations of the noun “wall” which is a divisive periphery representing obstacles preventing an individual’s eagerness to discover. Additionally, Frost’s use of active verbs, “sends” “spills” and “makes” conveys how the strange fluidity of “frozen ground swell” can create “gaps” so big that “two can pass abreast” combined with the caesura in the lines “the gaps I mean” Frost effectively reaffirms the conversational tone as the notion of “gaps” which symbolically represents the physical partition between the neighbours, which reiterates their inability to communicate, thus restrained to the introspective nature of humans. i feel like your essay is at times more focussed on discussing human connection or relations than it is discovery. something to be wary of!
Likewise, in ‘Home Burial’ the concept of individual’s ineptitude to connect has been elucidated. As displayed, the adversarial and fractured relationship between the wife and husband is palpable by her surety that he can “look” but “wouldn’t see” for from her perspective he is a “blind creature”.amount of strong words letting this sentence down Frost uses dehumanisation in conjunction with the symbolism “blindness” to advocate the husband inability to communicate, thus disconnected to his surroundings. Moreover, the husband’s deterioration is established where it takes him “awhile” before he “as last” murmurs “oh,” and again “oh”. The husband’s utterance shows he has realised the flawed relationship; this is further reinforced with the fractured iambic structure on the following lines (18 and 19) which visually cue the highly charged and truncated conversation between them, which demonstrates the negative consequences of constrained relationship due to its capability to confine one from contemplation.
Correspondingly, in 'Time', the central notion revolves around the introspection of interpersonal relationship and its confronting ramifications. Connor mimics the vulnerability of morality, where the climax is depicted through the process of the protagonist’s mother essentially dying, explicates the ephemeral nature of life. Through the use of slow panning shot, in conjunction with the mise en scene of the forest, plus the concentrated framing of plants, Connor symbolises Mother Nature and its capacity to limit ones desire for self-examination. This is furthered through the application of extensive sound techniques, as apparent in the ending scene, when the van falls into the lake, the instalment of non-diegetic background music, in combination with the use of slow motion shot; this triggers anticipation, panic, sorrow, faith and astonishment. As such, the melody slowly fades which highlights the treacherous situation, seen through the use of the underwater shot, Connor displays the protagonist's mother is running out of breath, supported with the diminishment of the soundtrack. Conclusively, the silence hints the fleeting qualities of life and the adverse ramification of unanticipated and impulsive self-realisation.
Through insightful representations of the dynamic human nature, Robert Frost’s ‘Mending Wall’, ‘Home Burial’ and Liam Connor’s ‘Time’ analogously forefronts the problematic nature of disorientated relationships, which has provided a perception of human beings, advocating discoveries which endangers disparate dilemmas hinging on individual’s situations. Conclusively, the authors have successfully illuminated audiences on the imbedded intricacies of discovery, and its preponderance in the enrichment of an individual’s perception of self, and the broader society.
I get that you've gotta talk about human connection and relationships, which is a cool concept and works with Frost, but I think this is too disproportionally skewed away from discovery. like, you wanna use human connection as a springboard to discuss discovery, not discuss discovery amongst discussing human connection. atm it's like 70% human connection, 30% discovery, but it needs to be closer to hte other way around. Remember that your task is to explore issues of discovery, and human connection can be one method you use to do that, however, it needs to stay only a METHOD and not a task in and of itself.
The language at times also is way too much to have a positive influence on your assessor - i'd tone it down a bit :) good luck for trials!
Post by: brenden on August 05, 2015, 01:02:43 pm
Spoiler
The notion of self-discovery highlighted in “The Tempest” is manifested through the transformation of Prospero as he learns how to forgive. Prospero’s journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release, as he learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil which is heightened by the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the accumulation of rage Prospero has directed towards his brother, Alonso. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses further highlighting Prospero’s deep, merciless rage. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used visual imagery to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.
The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban.
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.
The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban.
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.
The notion of self-discovery highlighted in “The Tempest” is manifested through the transformation of Prospero as he learns how to forgive.Nice and clear. Prospero’s journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release, as he learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil which is heightened by the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the accumulation of rage Prospero has directed towards his brother, Alonso. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses further highlighting Prospero’s deep, merciless rage. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used visual imagery to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.Cool! Looking good so far
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.
The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban. Notice that you don't discuss discovery until it's like "BANG - SURPRISE" at the end of the paragraph. If you could integrate discussion of discovery into your discussion of corruption as it occurs, I think that would be beneficial
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.Great paragraph. Perhaps a little short, but discovery discussed throughout bumps up the quality.
Your connection between texts is fine I think! You bridge them well between paragraphs and bring it back at the end of a paragraph and properly have a thematic relation or some level of connection between the texts you're talking about. Discovery was properly prominent and discussed well, with perhaps a minor amount of opportunities for expansion. I'd be really confident going into trials - do your best!! :)
Post by: heids on August 05, 2015, 06:13:56 pm
Assume you also have an intro and conclusion :P
The notion of self-discovery highlighted in “The Tempest” is manifested through the transformation of Prospero as he learns how to forgive. Prospero’s journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release, as he learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” should shorten this quote so that it fits into the grammar of the sentence, e.g. ‘The symbolism of the ‘dread rattling thunder…’ I've highlighted quotes blue throughout to show that you probably need a couple more, you have 1-2 per para and should probably aim for more like 3. Also yeah, you do a bit of 'quote dump' where you go a bit like this: sentQUOTEence. You're going forward with a smooth sentence and in the middle you just drop a quote and then pick up where you left off before the quote. See examples below for how I suggest fixing it. expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil which is heightened by the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the accumulation of rage Prospero has directed towards his brother, Alonso. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses further highlighting Prospero’s deep, merciless rage. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes this verges a bit on story-telling, discussing details of the plot that aren’t 100% relevant to your point – try the basic rule, if you don’t analyse something, don’t mention it. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation maybe just coz I don’t know the text, but what do you mean by ‘the responder’? If you just mean the readers, this could be significantly shortened. Here’s my rewrite of this section: Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds – symbolised by relinquishing his powers by throwing his magic into the ocean – blah blah blah.. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare
This could link to your ideas about ‘discovery’ more; think about WHAT he discovers and HOW he discovers it, and what that leads to. What is the catalyst of this transformation? What does he discover and how? It’s really really great to discuss the metaphors etc., but then you need to focus on linking them even more to your deeper ideas about discovery!
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” Marsden's use of irony, as Ellie describes herself as "fascinated" rather than "scared", highlights Ellie's internal discovery... (see how the quote is worked into your grammar?) as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. Beautiful sentence! The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.
The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. This feels totally disjoined from the paragraph before – is there any way you can link them? The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban.A great tip for punchy writing: take out 'ed' verbs, like 'are manifested'. You can make it punchier by making the characterisation the 'subject' or 'doer', like this: Caliban's characterisation manifests the negative effects of physical discovery. Rather than 'Y is manifested in X', this says 'X manifests Y'. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony Again, quote integration: The use of irnoy in their belief that people will pay money to 'see an Indian'...demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!”
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Again, the underlined section could be make significantly more concise - and more specific, too, about how it is significant. Saying 'it's recognisable which increases its importance' isn't the greatest you could write, because first you need to explain how that increases its importance, and second you want to highlight what exactly about it is important. How has it impacted our society, specifically? Linking word/verb, eg. 'hence' or 'this reveals that' Similar
Yeah, as Ned Nerb said, great effort, and you should walk confident into trials. :) :) :)
Post by: Dump on August 09, 2015, 03:53:13 am
hey, trials is on monday, i would really appreciated if this can be checked up before sunday!!!!!! #NOPRESSURE
ahhaha its ok if you guys are busy, worth a try :)
MOD B - Critical Study of Text
MOD A - Comparative Study of Texts
Mod A has a very general question (from assignment i got 9/10), whereas Mod B they could ask anything, so yeah...... i didn't bother putting a essay cause if i focus on one thing i would most likely be screwed LOL. just gonna adapt to the q on the day :)
ty in advance
updated essays. trials in 24 hours x_x
Board of Studies requirement attached
Post by: JesSizzle on August 30, 2015, 01:00:32 pm
Just wondering if anybody would like to comment and give me feedback for an english essay Im writing. I really struggle with english and it would mean the world to me if anyone could help me out because i really want to improve. :) I just need to finish proof reading and then i will attach it along with the question and marking criteria.
I would very much appreciate your time and feedback
Post by: brenden on August 30, 2015, 01:38:00 pm
Hi allHey JesSizzle!
Just wondering if anybody would like to comment and give me feedback for an english essay Im writing. I really struggle with english and it would mean the world to me if anyone could help me out because i really want to improve. :) I just need to finish proof reading and then i will attach it along with the question and marking criteria.
I would very much appreciate your time and feedback
Totally :). Finish your proof and post it up! (By the way, it's easier if people copy/paste the essay so no one has to download the file and fuck around with Word documents, but I don't really mind either way).
Post by: JesSizzle on August 30, 2015, 04:54:42 pm
Question
Discuss how both Winton and Saed reflect their context in their values and ideas they represent and the ways their texts were created.
Marking Criteria for top band.
• Demonstrates extensive and insightful understanding of the meaning of a pair of texts and the values and ideas they convey.
• Evaluates skilfully the relationship between texts and contexts using well-selected and detailed textual reference.
• Composes a perceptive analysis using language appropriate to audience purpose and form.
Values are inherent in every composer’s context and because of the subjective nature of texts; these values are reflected in texts. Tim Winton’s short story Big World and Zohra Saed’s What The Scar Revealed and Voices: Achieves Of Spines all contain inherent values of freedom and identity, however from these values we can further develop ideas such as, the inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity and the role of oppression that motivates the pursuit of freedom. These fundamental ideas are common throughout these texts but the way the in which they have been interpreted and embedded within these texts correspond directly with the composers personal and cultural context.
The role of oppression in motivating the pursuit of freedom is a common idea reflected in both texts. Both motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom are represented differently in each text due to the personal context of each composer.
In Winton’s Big World freedom is a self-indulgence away from the oppression of the limited opportunities in their home town.
“We’d be like all the other poor stranded failures who stayed in Angelus. But now we’re on the road its time for second thoughts.”
The retrospective tone alludes to the sense of oppression and failure the characters have about their hometown, Angelus. However the use of the present tense and the idiom “its time for second thoughts” shows the audience that their pursuit for freedom consequently leads them into the uncertain future outside their familiar hometown. The ironic tittle Big Word also provides a sense of oppression that the character feels as they are oppressed by the limited opportunities as well as their monotonous jobs at the meatworks. Towards the end of this narrative the characters gain freedom but as a ramification they feel hopeless in the uncertain situation, however they no longer feel the oppression of monotony in their situation past in their hometown.
From Winton’s personal context growing up in rural Albany his characters emotions correspond directly to his personal experiences of the hopelessness and monotony of life after school and feelings of uncertainty about his writing career and future while he was an adolescent, this is effectively represented in his short story Big World
Saed whose pursuit for freedom is essential for her survival presents an alternate idea.
“She throws a tinselled veil up to the sky and catches lapis coloured doves”
Throughout the Poem What The Scar Revealed Saed creates vivid imagery and uses symbolism, Doves symbolic of freedom, and Lapis a precision stone reflects the extent to which she values freedom.
“ I taste the past from which we have escaped with our lives.” Similarly in Voices: Archive of Spines Saed uses sustained metaphors evoking the senses. The personal taste connotes feelings of bittersweet, Nostalgic of her Afghan culture but appreciative of her new found freedom. From this textual evidence we can understand that the absences of freedom is detrimental to the characters and motivates her pursuit to freedom in a foreign country. From Saed’s personal context of growing up in Afghanistan before moving to America, the audience gains an insight into the difficulties Saed was faced when she moved to American and became immersed in a foreign culture. Her writing reflects both the the characters and her own pursuit for freedom and consequently their efforts to preserve their culture and tradition in a foreign place.
The inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity is an idea that reflects the composer’s cultural context in their texts. Winton presents a spiritual and familiar connection to place that shapes his characters identity.
“ I’m vague about my whereabouts and look out at the monastery and church spires and whitewashed walls of the town while she tells me I’m throwing my future away”
The first person voice gives a sense that the audience is witnessing the characters internal thoughts, as they find themselves lost in and unfamiliar place. The narrator then recognises a church. This is a reflection of Winton’s cultural context growing up in fundamentalist Christian family. The familiar church can also symbolise both Winton’s and the narrator’s belief that religion can provide guidance in uncertainty. Also the father of the narrator is absent from the phone call as well as the story. Although in Big Word a father figure is not directly mentioned the character Vic Lang is a motif throughout the whole anthology. From Big World the audience is present with aspects of Winton’s cultural context of growing up in a matriarchal family that highly valued education and religion. Through his context Winton’s identity is reflected among the characters.
For Saed hey identity is shaped by her Afghan culture and family traditions. The absence of her culture in her foreign country where she resides is what motivates Saed to preserve it. From her cultural context leaving her country when she was only 1 year old. Through the memories and stories of her Aunts and grandmothers, the storytellers she preserves her lost identity that deeply connected her Afghan ethnicity. “Aunts who have embroided history onto the hems of sleeves and skirts”
In Voices: Archive of Spines this imagery of embroidery connotes feelings of pride and creativity it clearly represents the family pride of their heritage by using a metaphor to present the way they skilfully preserve their history and culture that shapes their identity “ Grandmothers tell the story of: how wounds heal only after they have memorised the moment of hurt” form this quote in What the Scar revealed Saed uses the umbilical chord scar and it pain as metaphor for the pain and suffering of leaving behind a culture but the recovery and resolution the characters find in persevering these memories of the characters birthplace. Saed’s deep connection to her birthplace and her valued Afghan culture is what shapes Saed’s identity. Winton’s characters identities are shaped by the components of the place they live in such as education, family and religion. Similarly both have the common issue of displacement but preserve their cultural identity through religion, tradition as well as family connects and place.
The role of oppression, motivating the pursuit of freedom as well as the inextricable connection between place and identity are to ideas that are common to both texts. However it is the techniques and the ways these ideas are imbedded into these texts that give the audience a deep insight into both the personal and the cultural context of the composers. All texts are constructs and therefore the ways in which ideas are interpreted will be derived from the composer context.
Post by: brenden on August 30, 2015, 08:32:52 pm
Spoiler
Thank you so much from what i can tell your feedback is excellent please don't hold back i need all the help i can get
Question
Discuss how both Winton and Saed reflect their context in their values and ideas they represent and the ways their texts were created.
Marking Criteria for top band.
• Demonstrates extensive and insightful understanding of the meaning of a pair of texts and the values and ideas they convey.
• Evaluates skilfully the relationship between texts and contexts using well-selected and detailed textual reference.
• Composes a perceptive analysis using language appropriate to audience purpose and form.
Values are inherent in every composer’s context and because of the subjective nature of texts; these values are reflected in texts. Tim Winton’s short story Big World and Zohra Saed’s What The Scar Revealed and Voices: Achieves Of Spines all contain inherent values of freedom and identity, however from these values we can further develop ideas such as, the inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity and the role of oppression that motivates the pursuit of freedom. These fundamental ideas are common throughout these texts but the way the in which they have been interpreted and embedded within these texts correspond directly with the composers personal and cultural context.
The role of oppression in motivating the pursuit of freedom is a common idea reflected in both texts. Both motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom are represented differently in each text due to the personal context of each composer.
In Winton’s Big World freedom is a self-indulgence away from the oppression of the limited opportunities in their home town.
“We’d be like all the other poor stranded failures who stayed in Angelus. But now we’re on the road its time for second thoughts.”
The retrospective tone alludes to the sense of oppression and failure the characters have about their hometown, Angelus. However the use of the present tense and the idiom “its time for second thoughts” shows the audience that their pursuit for freedom consequently leads them into the uncertain future outside their familiar hometown. The ironic tittle Big Word also provides a sense of oppression that the character feels as they are oppressed by the limited opportunities as well as their monotonous jobs at the meatworks. Towards the end of this narrative the characters gain freedom but as a ramification they feel hopeless in the uncertain situation, however they no longer feel the oppression of monotony in their situation past in their hometown.
From Winton’s personal context growing up in rural Albany his characters emotions correspond directly to his personal experiences of the hopelessness and monotony of life after school and feelings of uncertainty about his writing career and future while he was an adolescent, this is effectively represented in his short story Big World
Saed whose pursuit for freedom is essential for her survival presents an alternate idea.
“She throws a tinselled veil up to the sky and catches lapis coloured doves”
Throughout the Poem What The Scar Revealed Saed creates vivid imagery and uses symbolism, Doves symbolic of freedom, and Lapis a precision stone reflects the extent to which she values freedom.
“ I taste the past from which we have escaped with our lives.” Similarly in Voices: Archive of Spines Saed uses sustained metaphors evoking the senses. The personal taste connotes feelings of bittersweet, Nostalgic of her Afghan culture but appreciative of her new found freedom. From this textual evidence we can understand that the absences of freedom is detrimental to the characters and motivates her pursuit to freedom in a foreign country. From Saed’s personal context of growing up in Afghanistan before moving to America, the audience gains an insight into the difficulties Saed was faced when she moved to American and became immersed in a foreign culture. Her writing reflects both the the characters and her own pursuit for freedom and consequently their efforts to preserve their culture and tradition in a foreign place.
The inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity is an idea that reflects the composer’s cultural context in their texts. Winton presents a spiritual and familiar connection to place that shapes his characters identity.
“ I’m vague about my whereabouts and look out at the monastery and church spires and whitewashed walls of the town while she tells me I’m throwing my future away”
The first person voice gives a sense that the audience is witnessing the characters internal thoughts, as they find themselves lost in and unfamiliar place. The narrator then recognises a church. This is a reflection of Winton’s cultural context growing up in fundamentalist Christian family. The familiar church can also symbolise both Winton’s and the narrator’s belief that religion can provide guidance in uncertainty. Also the father of the narrator is absent from the phone call as well as the story. Although in Big Word a father figure is not directly mentioned the character Vic Lang is a motif throughout the whole anthology. From Big World the audience is present with aspects of Winton’s cultural context of growing up in a matriarchal family that highly valued education and religion. Through his context Winton’s identity is reflected among the characters.
For Saed hey identity is shaped by her Afghan culture and family traditions. The absence of her culture in her foreign country where she resides is what motivates Saed to preserve it. From her cultural context leaving her country when she was only 1 year old. Through the memories and stories of her Aunts and grandmothers, the storytellers she preserves her lost identity that deeply connected her Afghan ethnicity. “Aunts who have embroided history onto the hems of sleeves and skirts”
In Voices: Archive of Spines this imagery of embroidery connotes feelings of pride and creativity it clearly represents the family pride of their heritage by using a metaphor to present the way they skilfully preserve their history and culture that shapes their identity “ Grandmothers tell the story of: how wounds heal only after they have memorised the moment of hurt” form this quote in What the Scar revealed Saed uses the umbilical chord scar and it pain as metaphor for the pain and suffering of leaving behind a culture but the recovery and resolution the characters find in persevering these memories of the characters birthplace. Saed’s deep connection to her birthplace and her valued Afghan culture is what shapes Saed’s identity. Winton’s characters identities are shaped by the components of the place they live in such as education, family and religion. Similarly both have the common issue of displacement but preserve their cultural identity through religion, tradition as well as family connects and place.
The role of oppression, motivating the pursuit of freedom as well as the inextricable connection between place and identity are to ideas that are common to both texts. However it is the techniques and the ways these ideas are imbedded into these texts that give the audience a deep insight into both the personal and the cultural context of the composers. All texts are constructs and therefore the ways in which ideas are interpreted will be derived from the composer context.
Discuss how both Winton and Saed reflect their context in their values and ideas they represent and the ways their texts were created.
Marking Criteria for top band. Thanks for including this!
• Demonstrates extensive and insightful understanding of the meaning of a pair of texts and the values and ideas they convey.
• Evaluates skilfully the relationship between texts and contexts using well-selected and detailed textual reference.
• Composes a perceptive analysis using language appropriate to audience purpose and form.
Values are inherent in every composer’s context and because of the subjective nature of texts; these values are reflected in texts Not the most pleasant sounding sentence. "context...text...text" stutters it a bit because of the repetitive sound. The semi-colon is also out of place. This sentence could be spruced up a bit and rephrased! . Tim Winton’s short story Big World and Zohra Saed’s What The Scar Revealed and Voices: Achieves Of Spines all contain inherent values of freedom and identity, however from these values we can further develop ideas such as, the inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity and the role of oppression that motivates the pursuit of freedom.I really like the content of this sentence. That is, I don't like the sentence because it's a magnificent piece of artwork/writing, but I like what you're talking about (place, oppression) etc. Great job! :) These fundamental ideas are common throughout these texts but the way the in which they have been interpreted and embedded within these texts correspond directly with the composers personal and cultural context. Solid closing of the introduction. All in all, the writing could be 'glitzed up' a bit, but the content is good. (I'm talking about if the essay were to be perfect btw, your writing isn't horrible or anything like that)/b]
The role of oppression in motivating the pursuit of freedom is a common idea reflected in both texts.Good. I like that you're already integrating the texts and I like that you've told me what you're talking about in this paragraph (oppression and freedom) Both motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom are represented differently in each text due to the personal context of each composer.This sentence is just "plonked" here, when it could be easily be zazzed up a bit. You could even say "That being said, both the motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom..." --- you know what I mean? Even just adding that TINY "that being said" makes the sentence seem less "plonked" down.
In Winton’s Big World freedom is a self-indulgence away from the oppression of the limited opportunities in their home town.
“We’d be like all the other poor stranded failures who stayed in Angelus. But now we’re on the road its time for second thoughts.” Try not to have whole quotes as sentences. I honestly know how seriously tempting it is beacuse it makes things easier and simpler (I used to do this a lot in year 12 as well), but generally, we want quotes to be "silky and smooth" and integrated into the sentence (see: silky and smooth). If you can get virtually all of your quotes short to highlight the relevant language and none of the irrelevant language, and then integrate the short quote into your own sentence... that will bump you up a bit. Practise!!!
The retrospective tone alludes to the sense of oppression and failure the characters have about their hometown, Angelus. However the use of the present tense and the idiom “its time for second thoughts” shows the audience that their pursuit for freedom consequently leads them into the uncertain future outside their familiar hometown. The ironic tittle Big Word also provides a sense of oppression that the character feels as they are oppressed by the limited opportunities as well as their monotonous jobs at the meatworks. Towards the end of this narrative the characters gain freedom but as a ramification they feel hopeless in the uncertain situation, however they no longer feel the oppression of monotony in their situation past in their hometown. I like the analysis.
From Winton’s personal context growing up in rural Albany his characters character's with a possessive apostrophe emotions correspond directly to his personal experiences of the hopelessness and monotony of life after school and feelings of uncertainty about his writing career and future while he was an adolescent, this is effectively represented in his short story Big World feels like a bit of a big sentence here
Saed whose pursuit for freedom is essential for her survival presents an alternate idea. A comma after Saed and a comma after 'survival' wouldn't go astray.
“She throws a tinselled veil up to the sky and catches lapis coloured doves”
Throughout the Poem What The Scar Revealed Saed creates vivid imagery and uses symbolism, Doves symbolic of freedom, and Lapis a precision stone reflects the extent to which she values freedom. One way you might change up these two sentences by integrating the quotes could be something like ... "Saed's symbolism presents an alternatve idea that <...>, with "lapis colours doves" symbolising <....>". That's what i mean by improving through better integration of quotes.
“ I taste the past from which we have escaped with our lives.” Similarly in Voices: Archive of Spines Saed uses sustained metaphors evoking the senses. The personal taste connotes feelings of bittersweet, Nostalgic of her Afghan culture but appreciative of her new found freedom. From this textual evidence we can understand that the absences of freedom is detrimental to the characters and motivates her pursuit to freedom in a foreign country. From Saed’s personal context of growing up in Afghanistan before moving to America, the audience gains an insight into the difficulties Saed was faced when she moved to American and became immersed in a foreign culture. Her writing reflects both the the characters and her own pursuit for freedom and consequently their efforts to preserve their culture and tradition in a foreign place. The general expression and quality of writing is starting to drop off a bit in this paragraph.
The inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity is an idea that reflects the composer’s cultural context in their texts. good clear topic sentenceWinton presents a spiritual and familiar connection to place that shapes his characters character's (with apostrophe), again)identity.
“ I’m vague about my whereabouts and look out at the monastery and church spires and whitewashed walls of the town while she tells me I’m throwing my future away”
The first person voice gives a sense that the audience is witnessing the characters internal thoughts, as they find themselves lost in and unfamiliar place. The narrator then recognises a church. This is a reflection of Winton’s cultural context growing up in fundamentalist Christian family. The familiar church can also symbolise both Winton’s and the narrator’s belief that religion can provide guidance in uncertainty. Also the father of the narrator is absent from the phone call as well as the story. Although in Big Word a father figure is not directly mentioned the character Vic Lang is a motif throughout the whole anthology. From Big World the audience is present with aspects of Winton’s cultural context of growing up in a matriarchal family that highly valued education and religion. Through his context Winton’s identity is reflected among the characters.
For Saed hey identity is shaped by her Afghan culture and family traditions. The absence of her culture in her foreign country where she resides is what motivates Saed to preserve it. From her cultural context leaving her country when she was only 1 year old. Through the memories and stories of her Aunts and grandmothers, the storytellers she preserves her lost identity that deeply connected her Afghan ethnicity. “Aunts who have embroided history onto the hems of sleeves and skirts”
In Voices: Archive of Spines this imagery of embroidery connotes feelings of pride and creativity it clearly represents the family pride of their heritage by using a metaphor to present the way they skilfully preserve their history and culture that shapes their identity “ Grandmothers tell the story of: how wounds heal only after they have memorised the moment of hurt” form this quote in What the Scar revealed Saed uses the umbilical chord scar and it pain as metaphor for the pain and suffering of leaving behind a culture but the recovery and resolution the characters find in persevering these memories of the characters birthplace. Saed’s deep connection to her birthplace and her valued Afghan culture is what shapes Saed’s identity. Winton’s characters identities are shaped by the components of the place they live in such as education, family and religion. Similarly both have the common issue of displacement but preserve their cultural identity through religion, tradition as well as family connects and place.
The role of oppression, motivating the pursuit of freedom as well as the inextricable connection between place and identity are to ideas that are common to both texts. However it is the techniques and the ways these ideas are imbedded into these texts that give the audience a deep insight into both the personal and the cultural context of the composers. All texts are constructs and therefore the ways in which ideas are interpreted will be derived from the composer context.
Cool! Good job.
I like the content of your essay. That is, where you start to discuss author techniques and compare values of the texts, I think you choose good stuff and have nice ideas and analysis and stuff like that. Keep going this way and thinking more and more about your texts. You're hitting the first point of the criteria well.
As noted, your expression could be sorted a bit. Mostly, integrating quotes better would be fantastic, and it would allow you to use more detailed textual reference as you saved space on quoting unnecessary stuff.
At some points, I felt like if you continued on in the same paragraph and just spoke about both texts in the paragraph, your point would be made more effectively, but then I'd see the paragraph split and a new topic sentence to introduce the accompanying idea of the second text. Maybe something structurally for you to experiment with.
Good luck with everything!
Post by: JesSizzle on August 30, 2015, 09:46:04 pm
Post by: brenden on August 31, 2015, 10:24:21 am
Thank you so much this has been really helpful your feedback is so extensive thanks again :DYou're super welcome! If you ever need help with your other subjects, feel free to post questions in the relevant boards! :)
Post by: Dump on September 14, 2015, 12:53:47 am
'Discovery – Evaluate how discovery evokes new or renewed '
Over time human beings have been inspired to discover relationships with their esoteric and physical surrounds through the fundamental sense of curiosity, necessity or wonder and provokes appreciation of individual’s self-worth, identity, and the broader society. As such, the deprivation or endowment of self-discovery holds the dual capacity to challenge and develop an individual’s understanding of the human nature. The multi-faceted aspect of discovery is manifestly demonstrated in Robert Frost’s Romanticist poetry ‘Mending wall’ and ‘Home Burial’, and Liam Connor’s short film ‘Time’; encompasses aspects of personal metamorphoses, that are catalysed by human interactions with surroundings.
Acceptance is a quintessential virtue required in instigating the changes in human relations. In ‘Mending Wall’ Frost depicts the persona’s epiphany of his own and his neighbour’s relationship. In the lines, “set the wall between us” and “keep the wall between us” the “wall” functions as a motif which exhibits the physical estrangement between the neighbours. In combination with the repetition of the ‘w’ sound in “wall” and visual imagery of the “wall” Frost reveals the authenticity of the scene, where the characters are restoring the wall while remaining emotionally and psychologically alienated. Additionally, the extended metaphor of the “wall” is furthered in the lines “something there is that does not love a wall” the symbolism of “wall” is reiterated further through the anastrophe, where the “wall” represents the barrier between individuals and their eagerness to communicate. Frost insightfully enlightens the readers by reaffirming that the ineptitude to maintain affiliation will result in an individual’s segregation with others which consequently constrains ones process of discovery.
Through the nurturing of a multi-faceted aspect of discovery, individuals face the struggle of preserving temporary human relations. Evidently, in ‘Home Burial’ Frost explicates the wife’s desire to avoid interaction, where the “staircase” functions as a symbol of existential physical and emotional partition which suggests their inability to be on common ground. Moreover, the use of assertive tone displayed in “come down the stairs” illustrates the desperation of the husband in an attempt to eradicate the barriers of physical distance conceived by the wife, As such, the notion of separation elucidates the complex human affiliations and how one individual’s choice may restrain another’s ability to explore, ultimately shapes readers understanding of the human nature by providing rejuvenated insights of fractured relationships.
The struggle ingrained within human connection is similarly manifested in the short film ‘Time’, which accentuates the protagonist’s realisation of renewed insights of relationship between himself his friends. This is palpable in the orientation, where the unnamed protagonist gathers with his companions in a forest, the close up shot of the protagonist provides a central focus on his school uniform, which functions as a symbol of youth and innocence. Furthered with the employment of point of view shot in combination with the use of vector lines, the downfall of the protagonist when he was assaulted and becomes powerless on the ground is accentuated. In addition, the injection of diegetic sound of crying, illuminates the appalling aftermath of confronting discovery, where the protagonist losses his innocence through attain renewed insights about his friends. This provides the audience with insightful knowledge on the detrimental ramification from provocative introspection.
The tension between interpersonal connections determines one’s ability to rejuvenate future perception on self and broader society. 'Mending Wall' deciphers the rejuvenated insights are not always positive through the neighbour’s inability to interact. As exhibited in the title, “mending” where the titular adjective suggests reparation and restoration but is contradicted by the mixed connotations of the noun “wall” which is a divisive periphery representing obstacles preventing an individual’s eagerness to discover. Additionally, Frost’s use of active verbs, “sends” “spills” and “makes”. Suggesting in order to discover, action must be pursued. In addition, the caesura in the lines “the gaps - I mean” Frost effectively reaffirms the conversational tone as the notion of “gaps” which symbolically represents the physical partition between the neighbours, this advises the readers of the influence one holds on the broader society, evident in Frost’s reiteration of the neighbours inability to communicate, thus incapable for further contemplation on self and the broader community.
Likewise, in ‘Home Burial’ the notion of individual’s ineptitude to connect has been revealed. As displayed, the adversarial relationship between the wife and husband is palpable by her surety that he can “look” but “wouldn’t see” for from her perspective he is a “blind creature”. Frost uses metaphorical comparison in conjunction with the symbolism of “blindness” to advocate their lack of connection, where they are disconnected to their surroundings. This is further reinforced with the fractured iambic structure which visually cue the highly truncated conversation; by Frost’s demonstration of the negative consequences of constrained relationship, leading to reader’s attainment of the acumen of the convoluted connection between couples.
Correspondingly, in 'Time', the central notion revolves around the introspection of interpersonal relationship and its confronting ramifications. Connor depicts the climax through protagonist’s car accident, which explicates the ephemeral nature of life. Where the use of slow panning shot, in conjunction the concentrated framing of plants, Connor symbolises Mother Nature and its capacity to limit ones desire for self-examination. This is furthered through the application of extensive sound techniques, as apparent in the ending scene, when the van falls into the lake, the instalment of non-diegetic background piano melody, in combination with the use of slow motion shot triggers grief, sorrow, faith and astonishment. The diminishment of soft instrumental background music ultimately indicates the fleeting qualities of life and the adverse ramification of unanticipated self-realisation, further discerns the audiences about the vulnerability of morality.
Through insightful representations of the dynamic human nature, Robert Frost’s ‘Mending Wall’, ‘Home Burial’ and Liam Connor’s ‘Time’ analogously forefronts the problematic nature of disorientated relationships, which ultimately engenders new ideas that illuminate facets of individuals and possibilities that were previously unknown. Conclusively, both authors have successfully enlightened audiences on the imbedded intricacies of discovery, and its multitude in the enrichment of an individual’s perception of self, and the broader society.
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Post by: kyemadden8 on October 08, 2015, 03:13:27 pm
Thankyou
Post by: Kezzdee on November 15, 2015, 05:38:57 pm
I'm having a lot of trouble overtelling in my story. Thanks for your help
Post by: IkeaandOfficeworks on January 18, 2016, 08:54:09 pm
Post by: heids on January 19, 2016, 06:29:20 pm
Hello and welcome on board! Unfortunately (for both you and me LOL) I’m not Brenden, but hope this helps :)
Okay. What stands out to me is this:
You’re brilliant at analysing techniques and what they show – but then, you don’t use this to answer the question.
CLICK HERE for more a fleshed-out explanation of this
Imagine a starving person asks you for a piece of bread, and you give them a car tyre. It may be an absolutely beautiful, absolutely damn amazing car tyre. But, they’re starving! They can’t eat that tyre (unless they’re too hungry lol), and they just want a piece of bread already! They’d prefer the stalest, most crumbly and dry bread on earth than the most world-class care tyre.
Same thing here. Even if your analysis is absolutely state-rank stuff, it doesn’t actually answer the question, it’s pretty useless.
So, in your next few essays (or your revision of this essay) I want you to do this FIRST, before you come up with a collection of brilliant techniques and quotes:
1. Read the question a few times and try to get what it’s saying. Think about it and say it in your own words until you feel you ‘get’ what the topic statement says. In this case it’s something like discovery often helps us see ourselves and others in new ways.
2. Turn it into a question: ‘Does the process of discovery help us see ourselves and others in new ways?’
3. Now try and think of an answer. You’re not thinking about your texts yet, you’re not even thinking about ‘writing an essay’. You’re just thinking about what the answer is and why. This’ll probably involve asking yourself a bunch of questions, like ‘discovery of what?’ ‘why/how would discovery help us see people in new ways?’ ‘does it always change how we see people?’ ‘why does it sometimes change us and sometimes not?’…………… and so on.
4. Now, think about how the chosen three texts answer these questions. What does ‘The Tempest’ show about how discovery changes how we view people? What characters discovered something that changed how they saw themselves and each other? How did that discovery change their views?
5. THEN and ONLY THEN can you think about techniques. Once you say that ‘X discovery helped Y character to view Z character as a nicer person’, then you can try and find a technique that highlights this.
Discussing the topic, answering the question, is the ‘framework’ of a good essay, and the techniques don’t mean anything if they don’t fall inside that framework.
So then, if you have a paragraph on ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’, your topic sentence could look something like: Through the caterpillar’s discovery of new and acidic fruits, Carle demonstrates that the caterpillar’s searching reveals to himself his capacity for perseverance through hardship. (and then throughout you’d show clearly how this answers the question)
(lol, I can’t even remember the storyline of that book, I’m just lamely copy-cat-ing one of the VCE state rankers on this site :P)
Then, the rest of your paragraph, you’d be explaining how that character or event(s) shows us that discovery changes our perceptions. It’d look a bit like ‘The metaphor of ____ highlights how [character] changes from viewing herself as ____ to viewing herself as ____.’ Basically your topic sentence should be an answer to the question, and then your paragraph should be a collection of evidence/events/quotes/techniques/analysis that ‘proves’ or demonstrates how that TS answers the question.
Same thing here. Even if your analysis is absolutely state-rank stuff, it doesn’t actually answer the question, it’s pretty useless.
So, in your next few essays (or your revision of this essay) I want you to do this FIRST, before you come up with a collection of brilliant techniques and quotes:
1. Read the question a few times and try to get what it’s saying. Think about it and say it in your own words until you feel you ‘get’ what the topic statement says. In this case it’s something like discovery often helps us see ourselves and others in new ways.
2. Turn it into a question: ‘Does the process of discovery help us see ourselves and others in new ways?’
3. Now try and think of an answer. You’re not thinking about your texts yet, you’re not even thinking about ‘writing an essay’. You’re just thinking about what the answer is and why. This’ll probably involve asking yourself a bunch of questions, like ‘discovery of what?’ ‘why/how would discovery help us see people in new ways?’ ‘does it always change how we see people?’ ‘why does it sometimes change us and sometimes not?’…………… and so on.
4. Now, think about how the chosen three texts answer these questions. What does ‘The Tempest’ show about how discovery changes how we view people? What characters discovered something that changed how they saw themselves and each other? How did that discovery change their views?
5. THEN and ONLY THEN can you think about techniques. Once you say that ‘X discovery helped Y character to view Z character as a nicer person’, then you can try and find a technique that highlights this.
Discussing the topic, answering the question, is the ‘framework’ of a good essay, and the techniques don’t mean anything if they don’t fall inside that framework.
So then, if you have a paragraph on ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’, your topic sentence could look something like: Through the caterpillar’s discovery of new and acidic fruits, Carle demonstrates that the caterpillar’s searching reveals to himself his capacity for perseverance through hardship. (and then throughout you’d show clearly how this answers the question)
(lol, I can’t even remember the storyline of that book, I’m just lamely copy-cat-ing one of the VCE state rankers on this site :P)
Then, the rest of your paragraph, you’d be explaining how that character or event(s) shows us that discovery changes our perceptions. It’d look a bit like ‘The metaphor of ____ highlights how [character] changes from viewing herself as ____ to viewing herself as ____.’ Basically your topic sentence should be an answer to the question, and then your paragraph should be a collection of evidence/events/quotes/techniques/analysis that ‘proves’ or demonstrates how that TS answers the question.
And CLICK HERE for a few other comments directly on your essay
The process of discovery does indeed often lead to renewed perceptions of themselves and those around them. I’d recommend not starting with the words in the question; at the very least, put it in your own words (which should be a step in your planning anyway) because it shows you understand the topic, whereas repeating it word-for-word doesn’t ‘add’ anything In William Shakespeare's The Tempest, Edgar Allan Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart and Peter Weir’s Dead Poet’s Society, the impacts from the choices characters made, occasionally assisted in acquiring renewed perceptions of themselves and those around them. here, the essay already sounds just a bit like it’s skirting the issue: you’re talking about the choices characters make, rather than the process of discovery which was what the question asked.
When Caliban asked for forgiveness in The Tempest, this decision facilitated in gaining renewed perceptions of the self. Prospero perceived him as ‘savage’ after he attempted to violate Miranda, through the derogatory terms: ‘poisonous slave’ and ‘a thing of darkness’ supported by Miranda’s views: ‘a thing most brutish’. Caliban’s repentance through the religious metaphor: ‘be wiser hereafter/And seek for grace’ nice quote embedding! :) demonstrates Caliban’s capacity to possess sophisticated language contrary to the perception of the characters. His use of sophisticated language is further evidenced in his description of the island, in the aural imagery: ‘…The isle is full of noises/ Sounds and sweet airs/that give delight and hurt not/ Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments /Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices…’ demonstrating a complex understanding. complex understanding of what? And what does that show about how discovery changes our views of ourselves/each other?
Todd in Dead Poet’s Society chose to follow John Keating’s ‘unorthodox teachings’ in hopes of achieving this complex understanding of the self that was a really smooth transition from the para before; well done on your linking!. The close up shot of the banners: ‘Tradition. Honour. Discipline. Excellence’ highlights the core principles of Welton that it stands for. In addition, the mise-en-scene of the candle ceremony establishes that the school imposes traditionalist ideals on its students. you have some beautiful analysis here, but remember that the point of all your evidence is to answer the question; so, if we know that the school has harsh traditions/principles, what does that show about how our views of humans are changed by discovery? Every piece of evidence you pick, every quote, every technique, should have the aim of answering that question.The close-up shot of Todd’s handwriting ‘Seize the Day’ reveals his wish that he could contribute his ‘verse’. Furthermore, the establishing shot of birds flying symbolises the students wanting to break free from the strict principles of Welton needing only a catalyst, this parallels Keating and his class. The spinning shot of Keating covering Todd’s eyes in class creates a sense of transformation within Todd as he creates a physical verse revealing his capacity to create beautiful poetry to the class, as exclaimed by Keating: “…There’s a poet in you after all!”.
However, the Narrator in the Tell-Tale Heart shows no transformation of the self after his decision to murder. The hyperbole: btw, you do this a bit, but you don’t need a colon ( : ) between your technique and quote. It flows more smoothly if you go ‘The hyperbole “I heard many things in hell” shows that the narrator perceives…’ Or you could put a comma before and after the quote. “I heard many things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell” shows that the narrator perceives hypersensitivity as sanity. The personification: “It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain but once conceived, it haunted me day and night” emphasises the obsession the narrator feels in the idea of murdering the old man which completely contradicts his perception: “How, then am I mad?” The use of short sentences: “Object there was none. Passion there was none. I loved the old man. He had never wronged me. He had never given me insult. For his gold, I had no desire. I think it was his eye! yes, it was this!” reinforces the idea that there is a lack of concrete reason to commit murder and thus signals the reader that he is indeed ‘mad’. After the murder, the exclaimed sentences: “…I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! and now --again! --hark! louder! louder! louder! louder!”… “Villains!” demonstrates his failure to differentiate his villainy over theirs, revealing no sense of remorse and thus no change of the self.
This sense of remorse is also not apparent in Antonio in The Tempest and Cameron in Dead Poet’s Society and thus failing to achieve a sense of metamorphosis of the self. Antonio’s decision to betray left Prospero and Miranda to suffer, through the metaphor: “The ivy which had hid my princely trunk/And suck'd my verdure out on't” highlighting the parasitic nature of Antonio, ‘sucking’ out all the life out of Prospero. This is paralleled by Cameron’s betrayal in his dialogue with Dalton: “There’s something called an honour code at this school…If a teacher asks a question, you tell the truth or you’re expelled!” highlighting Cameron’s conformity with the school’s traditionalist principles and having no regret in causing the dismissal of Keating. The wide shot of the students standing on their desks highlights the absence of Cameron’s participation suggesting that he does not possess a renewed perception of himself and others good that you’re trying to tie it back in to the topic. Similarly, Antonio’s dialogue with Sebastian about Caliban, after he was forgiven: “Very like; one of them/ Is a plain fish, no doubt marketable” demonstrates his greed, not acknowledging Caliban’s capacity to ‘seek grace’ yay! Beautiful quoting; it fits in and flows with your own sentence! and thus failing to realise a fresh insight of himself and others. Nevertheless, while there was no clear transformation of the self, the alliteration: “It is the beating of his hideous heart!” suggests that the narrator in Tell- Tale Heart possesses conscience although he mistook the old man’s heart to be beating instead of his.
In William Shakespeare's The Tempest, Edgar Allan Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart and Peter Weir’s Dead Poet’s Society, renewed perceptions on ourselves and others can sometimes be attained through the impact of the choices people make, with it comes the innate capacity for most individuals to have morality, however, it is ultimately the individual’s will to see a fresh perspective that will allow one to grasp a more complex awareness of the self and others. also remember that it’s totally okay if you don’t say something ‘fancy’ and ‘Englishy’. If your last sentence answers the question, and you actually understand what you’re trying to say, then it doesn’t matter how boring it sounds – it’s better than something that sounds nice but doesn’t answer the question or you don’t even get what it’s saying.
Post by: literally lauren on January 19, 2016, 07:18:30 pm
Comments in the attached doc. but you might have to open the comment pane to see them all (click the REVIEW tab and then click 'Reviewing Pane' under 'Tracking')
Again, please post here or let us know if you have any questions :)
Post by: aqsarana_ on January 20, 2016, 12:04:16 am
Is human driven by the need to discover? Discovery is to explore the unseen world and experience a world they may not have previously seen. It is through such discoveries that some individuals face ramifications which allow them to change perspectives of themselves and the world. This validates the statement that we can transform our understanding of ourselves and the world by travelling to new places or viewing a familiar place through new eyes. Discoveries can allow us to live by new values, however some choose not to. Discoveries enable new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the world. Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series first aired in 2011 on SBS, explores the idea of travelling to places which contributes to new values and renewed perceptions inherited by some participants. Invictus, a poem by William Ernest Henley, published in 1998, affirms how seeing the world through new eyes approves for new values and understandings. Similarly, Sean Penn’s 2007 film Into The Wild, displays that travelling to a new place does bring about new values and renewed perceptions. All these texts greatly support the statement and let the characters, participants and viewers/readers to understand ourselves and the world better.
New values are not necessarily created by individuals when they go through a process of discovery. In Go Back, there are 6 participants with different perspectives and values. Even after hard experiences, some participants only change slightly and keep the same mentality. After the leaky boat experience, when they get onto the safe boat, Darren is questioned a lot. Darren started off with the attitude of how he doesn’t agree with people who put themselves on the boat when “they’re already safe”. While being questioned on the safe boat, he is juxtaposed with Gleny standing beside him, perhaps because they are participants of extremely different perspectives. With a medium camera shot, we see the expressions of Gleny when Darren says “I don’t feel empathy for people who willingly put their lives at risk when they are already safe”. This is ironic because Darren does not understand that they are unsafe and getting onto a boat is their last resort to stay safe. During the raid in Malaysia (Episode 2), Raquel is seen as keeping her original values. The medium shot of her while saying “They should be doing this in Australia…” reflects her as being ignorant and confused as she says it without facing the camera but instead is looking at the raid. This illustrates how she is very stubborn on her viewpoint and instead of looking at it from a different perspective after discovering, she continues to look at it negatively. Overall, this shows that travelling to new places does not always transform our understandings of the world, shown through Raquel and Darren.
Hardships that an individual goes through allow them to discover new values. In Invictus, the writer writes about his own experience. After he was diagnosed with a disease, he started to look at the world through new eyes which enabled him to discover himself and new values. In comparison to Go Back, some characters are not able to change their values and decide to stick to their original values. However, in Invictus, the poet is able to change his values and writes from a new perspective after being put into hardships. The use of simile and alliteration in “Black as the pit from pole to pole” (Line 2 – Stanza 1), gives the allusion of how severe his experience was. It contrasts the darkness of his suffering to the blackness of a hellish pit stretching from pole to pole. The severity of his hardship allowed him to understand the world and himself better. The visceral imagery used in “I have not winced nor cried aloud” (Line 6 – Stanza 2) describes that even though he has experienced pain, he will not show it remain strong. “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul” (Line 15 and Line 16 – Stanza 4) uses first person and anaphora, emphasising on the fact that the poem is his story and his response to his discovery. His discovery allowed him to make new values that assisted him to live his life. These quotes show how seeing the world with new eyes allows the individual to create new values and simultaneously gain a better understanding of ourselves and the world.
Discoveries can encompass new values and morals. In Into The Wild, before he sets off to his physical discovery, he discovers values that assist him in his physical discovery to Alaska. When compared to Go Back, they both have characters that change their values when they experience difficulties. In Invictus, the character also significantly changes his understanding of the world after going through discovery and this concept is discovered in the film Into the Wild too. In the flashback where the family is eating, the mother says to Christopher that they will gift him a new car. He replies with “I don’t need a new car. I don’t want a new car” and as he is replying, the camera focuses on his mother with a close up camera shot. Her expression illustrates the difference in values of his mother and himself. When Alex is on his journey to Alaska, he is sitting down and writing about his life in his diary. While he is writing, there is a medium camera shot of Alex playing with horses while the text: My days were more exciting when I was penniless” moves horizontally across the screen. This scene shows through his physical discovery he realised that he prefers life without money as money isn’t important for survival.
Discoveries allow us to renew our perceptions of the world. After going through different experiences in Go Back, there are characters that are able to, at the end, renew their perceptions of the world. Their experiences allow them to forget about their existing perceptions and generate renewed perceptions. After leaving Deo’s family in Africa (Episode 3), Raquel changes her views and mentions that she doesn’t like the term “black people anymore…They’re not black people, they’re African people…” This is shown through a close shot of her face with slow, expressive music. This music makes the atmosphere look real and meaningful as it displays that her process of discovery allowed her to change and renew her opinions. Furthermore, in episode 2, when Adam is working with the Chins, he decides to ask how much the workers are paid. The medium shot shows his emotions as well as showing the background of the working conditions which represents hard work and dedication. The music also becomes tense and slow to create a hardworking atmosphere. With all this, we can see that Go Back does explore travelling to new places renews our perceptions and leads to a better understanding of the world and ourselves.
Discoveries enable new understandings of ourselves and the world. In Invictus, through the writer’s experience of discovery, he is able to change his perception on life. Similar to Go Back, the characters do experience renewed perceptions and this is because of the hardships they face. Lines 13 and 14, “It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll,” contains a direct biblical allusion: “Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). This shows that he was able to discover spiritually which allowed him to gain a better understanding of the world and to renew his perceptions. In stanza 2, line 8, the use of visceral imagery and alliteration “my head is bloody but unbowed” shows that even though the poet experienced such hardships, he remained strong and pulled through it. He was able to hold his head high and this allowed him to see a new perspective of himself. These quotes and techniques show us how being able to renew our perspectives, we can understand ourselves and the world better.
An individual’s perceptions are renewed when they discover. Into the Wild explores how different perceptions are created when a person is discovering and this is seen through the character of Christopher/Alex. This film can be associated with both Go Back and Invictus as they explore the same concept and comprise of characters that renew their perceptions after discovering. While Alex is sitting down and reading, there is a flashback of his past where his dad is beating up his mum. After the flashback, the camera focuses on Alex’s face as he has tears after reminiscing about that incident. Towards the end of the film, where his values change again, we see a hand-held camera along with a close up camera shot moving across Alex’s face and him writing: Happiness is only real when shared’. At the end of his discovery he realises that he was wrong when he thought life could be lived without family/friends. He wishes he could go back to his family to live again, however it is too late. This demonstrates to us his renewed perceptions because first he thought family and friends weren’t important, however through his discovery he realised he was wrong.
In conclusion, all three texts do explore characters that face ramifications and challenges by travelling to new places and in some cases just seeing the world with new eyes, which allow them to change their perspectives of themselves and their worlds. Go Back and Into the wild are about characters physically travelling to new places to discover, where as in Invictus, the poet sees the world with new eyes which enables him to renew his perspectives. The film Into The Wild has one main character that discovers and is able to change perspectives and values, whereas in Go Back, there are six participants that set off on a journey and experience differences in values at different stages. All three texts greatly show how our understanding of ourselves and the world may change when we travel to new places or view a familiar place through new eyes.
Post by: literally lauren on January 22, 2016, 11:37:36 am
Is humanbecause you're talking about many/all people, you need the plural 'humans' rather than the singular 'human,' so this should be: 'Are humans...' driven by the need to discover? Discovery is to explore the unseen world and experience a world that may not previously have been seen. It is through such discoveries that some individuals face ramifications which allow them to change perspectives of themselves and the world. This validates the statement that we can transform our understanding of ourselves and the world by travelling to new places or viewing a familiar place through new eyes. Good expanding of what it means to discover something. I like that you're including 'seeing old things with new eyes' and not just 'seeing new things.' Discoveries can allow us to live by new values, however some choose not to. This is a bit brief - if you want to use this as a key point or argument, then maybe spend an extra sentence talking about it so the assessor knows what you mean.Discoveries enable new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the worldyou've said this already in a previous sentence. Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series first aired in 2011 on SBS, explores the idea of travelling to places which contributes to new values and renewed perceptions inherited by some participants. A linking word would be good here. eg. 'Likewise' or 'Furthermore... 'Invictus, a poem by William Ernest Henley, published in 1998, affirms how seeing the world through new eyes approves Word Choice. This doesn't really fit here. Perhaps use 'facilitates' or 'creates' new values and understandings. Similarly, Sean Penn’s 2007 film Into The Wild,displaysreveals that travelling to a new place does bring about new values and renewed perceptions This point seems a little simplistic. We already know that the poem says something about discovery leading to broader perceptions, but your introduction should be exploring these ideas in more detail. All these texts greatly support the statement and let the characters, participants and viewers/readers just pick one. 'Audience' is probably best. Don't use slashes (/) in your writing as they're seen as informal to understand ourselves and the world better.
New values are not necessarily created by individuals when they go through a process of discovery. Good! :) Topic sentence is based on an idea or concept.In Go Back remember to put the title in 'single quotation marks', there are 6 participants with different perspectives and values. Be careful here; you've started off well, but going from a really big idea about the process of discovery and then jumping into an example too soon can feel a bit sudden. (e.g. 'Often our perspectives are shaped by our life experiences. For example, in 'Go Back,' we see...' <-- notice how the sentences don't really connect very well?) Instead, try to gradually go from the idea to the example over two or three sentences if needed. This will let you explore the idea more fully too. Even after hard experiences, some participants only change slightly and keep the same mentality. After the leaky boat experience, when they get onto the safe boat, Darren is questioned a lot You're keeping your sentences nice and clear here, which is excellent, but I'm not too sure what you're referring to here. I'm guessing it's that Darren was interviewed, but you haven't really made that clear (i.e. who is he being questioned by? What are the questions?). Darren started off with the attitude of how he doesn’t agree with people who put themselves on the boat when “they’re already safe”. Good quote integration! While being questioned on the safe boat, he is juxtaposed with Gleny standing beside him, perhaps because they are participants of extremely different perspectives. With a medium camera shot, we see the expressions of Gleny when Darren says “I don’t feel empathy for people who willingly put their lives at risk when they are already safe”. This is ironic because Darren does not understand that they are unsafe and getting onto a boat is their last resort to stay safe. Why is Gleny important here? You bring him up but don't really explain the significance of him. How is Gleny different to Darren? And, more importantly, what does this example say about the prompt, and about discovery? During the raid in Malaysia (Episode 2) I don't think you have to specify this, or if you do, it should be part of the sentence, not in brackets (i.e. 'During the raid in Malaysia in Episode Two, Raquel is seen...') but check with your teacher to be sure, Raquel is seen as keeping her original values. The medium shot of her while saying “They should be doing this in Australia…” reflects her as being ignorant and confused as she says it without facing the camera but instead is looking at the raid. This illustrates how she is very stubborn on her viewpoint and instead of looking at it from a different perspective after discovering, she continues to look at it negatively. Overall, this shows that travelling to new places does not always transform our understandings of the world, shown through Raquel and Darren.
Try to link ^this discussion to the next one in the Topic Sentence below. How are these two ideas related? Start with a word like 'Similarly...'/'Likewise...' or 'Contrarily...'/'On the other hand...' and make a connection from there.
Hardships that an individual goes through allow them to discover new values. So why were the people in your previous paragraphs unable to shift their world views? What's different in this case? In Invictus, the writer writes about his own experience. After he was diagnosed with a disease, he started to look at the world through new eyes which enabled him to discover himself and new values. In comparison to Go Back, some characters are not able to change their values and decide to stick to their original values. Rather than going from Go Back in the previous paragraph, to a brief mention of Invictus, to Go Back, to Invictus again, try and minimise the amount of switching that you do. Conclude your Go Back paragraph, and then, at the start of the next one, make a strong link between the two texts and then just start analysing Invictus; there's no reason to go back and forth between them in this case. However, in Invictus, the poet is able to change his values and writes from a new perspective after beingput intothis is a bit informal; maybe say 'after experiencing...' hardships. The use of simile and alliteration in “Black as the pit from pole to pole” (Line 2 – Stanza 1) again, I don't think you have to cite the line and stanza number, but I'm not 100% sure,gives the allusionthis expression is a bit odd; you can go for a simpler verb like 'represents' or 'shows' instead of how severe his experience was. It contrasts the darkness of his suffering to the blackness of a hellish pit stretching from pole to pole. AWESOME!!! I was just about to say that your previous sentence: 'this quote gives the allusion of how severe his experience was' wasn't really enough because you hadn't explained HOW that quote demonstrates your point, but you've done it right here!! :) Really good stuff, and something that a lot of essays miss out on - always make sure you're spelling out the link between your evidence and your ideas like this. The severity of his hardship allowed him to understand the world and himself better. The visceral imagery used in “I have not winced nor cried aloud” (Line 6 – Stanza 2) describes that even though he has experienced pain, he will not show it remain strong. <-- link these ideas? -->“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul” (Line 15 and Line 16 – Stanza 4) uses first person and anaphora, emphasisingonthe fact that the poem is his story and his response to his discovery. His discovery allowed him to make new values that assisted him to live his life. These quotes show how seeing the world with new eyes allows the individual to create new values and simultaneously gain a better understanding of ourselves and the world.
Rather than listing three points of evidence and then getting to the end of the paragraph to make the connection obvious, try to make links as you go! You don't want your paragraphs to read like a dot-point list of examples with some analysis just put one after another. Instead, you want to go from one point to the next. Think of it this way: if you bake a cake, you don't want the end result to be a pile of flour with some unbeaten eggs in it, covered in milk... that's not a cake :P A cake involves blending the ingredients so you can get the right mixture. In the end, the assessors will still be able to point at it and say 'okay, I can see that there's chocolate, butter, and some milk in there' just like they'll be able to see your paragraph and think 'okay, I can see that you've used this quote and this example,' but there's still an overall structure. Sticking the ingredients together doesn't magically turn them into a cake; you have to combine them. So, when you're writing your paragraph, try to focus on building one example into the next. There must be a reason why you're going from one example to another one - maybe it reinforces your point, or maybe it demonstrates another facet of your argument. Whatever the reason is, mention it in your discussion so that your assessor can follow your logic :)
Discoveries can encompass new values and morals. Connect this with your previous discussion. In Into The Wild, before he sets off to his physical discovery, he who's 'he?' You haven't introduced the main character yet discovers values that assist him in his physical discovery to Alaska. When compared to Go Back, they both have characters that change their values when they experience difficulties. In Invictus, the character also significantly changes his understanding of the world after going through discovery and this concept isdiscoveredexplored in the film Into the Wild too. In the flashback where the family is eating, the mother says to Christopher that they will gift him a new car. He replies with “I don’t need a new car. I don’t want a new car” and as he is replying, the camera focuses on his mother with a close up camera shot. Her expression what is her expression? What emotions is she revealing? And how does this illustrate the fact that they have different values? illustrates the difference in values of his mother and himself. When Alex is on his journey to Alaska, he is sitting down and writing about his life in his diary. While he is writing, there is a medium camera shot of Alex playing with horses while the text: My days were more exciting when I was penniless” moves horizontally across the screen. This scene shows through his physical discovery he realised that he prefers life without money as money isn’t important for survival. Why is this discussion important? What does this tell us about the nature of discovery?
Discoveries allow us to renew our perceptions of the world. Again, you need a link between this sentence/idea and what you've just discussed in the previous paragraph. There is a connection, but because you haven't made it clear, you can't get marks for it. After going through different experiences in Go Back, there are characters that are able to, at the end, renew their perceptions of the world. Their experiences allow them to forget about their existing perceptions and generate renewed perceptions. slight repetition here; try to find some synonyms because this is a word that you'll be using a lot. After leaving Deo’s family in Africa (Episode 3), Raquel changes her views what were her views before, and what did she change to? You don't really explain this here, you just provide a quote and mentions that she doesn’t like the term “black people anymore…They’re not black people, they’re African people…” What does this quote mean for her character? What does it suggest she's changed from/into? This is shown through a close shot of her face with slow, expressive music.This music makes the atmosphere look real and meaningful as it displays that her process of discovery allowed her to change and renew her opinions.The music probably shouldn't be your focus here - concentrate on the words in that quote and what they signify. Furthermore, in episode 2, when Adam is working with the Chins, he decides to ask how much the workers are paid. The medium shot shows his emotions which emotions?? Calling it a 'medium shot' isn't very important, but talking about his facial expressions and emotions is crucial! as well as showing the background of the working conditions which represents hard work and dedication How do you know? What is it about the background that represents hard work? Describe what you see or hear in the show, and explain why these details reveal those ideas.The music also becomes tense and slow to create a hardworking atmosphere.With all this, we can see that Go Back does explore travelling to new places renews our perceptions and leads to a better understanding of the world and ourselves. Don't just restate the prompt; try to go a bit further in unpacking your ideas. Your examples shouldn't just be used to demonstrate a 'yes' or 'no' argument; they should allow you to explore more interesting points of view.
Discoveries enable new understandings of ourselves and the world. In Invictus, through the writer’s experience of discovery, he is able to change his perception on life. Similar to Go Back, the characters do experience renewed perceptions and this is because of the hardships they face. The previous sentence is about 'Go Back,' but this next one is about 'Invictus,' though you haven't made it clear that you've changed texts. Be careful when jumping between them.Lines 13 and 14, “It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll,” contains a direct biblical allusion: “Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). This shows that he was able to discover spiritually which allowed him to gain a better understanding of the world and to renew his perceptions. Good. In stanza 2, line 8, the use of visceral imagery and alliteration “my head is bloody but unbowed” shows that even though the poet experienced such hardships, he remained strong andpulled throughbit colloquial it. He was able to hold his head high and this allowed him to see a new perspective of himself. what was this new perspective, exactly? These quotes and techniques show us how being able to renew our perspectives, we can understand ourselves and the world better. Notice how this point could essentially be summarised as 'yes, the prompt is right.' Try to avoid this. Take things a step further and challenge the prompt a little bit if you want to push your ideas into better territory. More on this in the end comments.
An individual’s perceptions are renewed when they discover. Into the Wild explores how different perceptions are created when a person is discovering and this is seen through the character of Christopher/Alex. This film can be associated with both Go Back and Invictus as they explore the same concept and comprise of characters that renew their perceptions after discovering. While Alex is sitting down and reading, there is a flashback of his past where his dad is beating up his mum. After the flashback, the camera focuses on Alex’s face as he has tears after reminiscing about that incident. Towards the end of the film, where his values change again, we see a hand-held camera along with a close up camera shot moving across Alex’s face and him writing: Happiness is only real when shared’. At the end of his discovery he realises that he was wrong when he thought life could be lived without family/friends don't use slashes; say 'and' or 'or'. He wishes he could go back to his family to live again, however it is too late. This demonstrates to us his renewed perceptions because first he thought family and friends weren’t important, however through his discovery he realised he was wrong.
In conclusion, all three texts do explore characters that face ramifications and challenges by travelling to new places and in some cases just seeing the world with new eyes, which allow them to change their perspectives of themselves and their worlds. Go Back and Into the wild are about characters physically travelling to new places to discover, this isn't something you explore in much detail in your body paragraphs where as in Invictus, the poet sees the world with new eyes which enables him to renew his perspectives. The film Into The Wild has one main character that discovers and is able to change perspectives and values, whereas in Go Back, there are six participants that set off on a journey and experience differences in values at different stages. Try not to just re-list your evidence in your conclusion. Conclusions are about ideas, so you want to say something about discovery here, not just go back over your major exeamples. All three texts greatly show how our understanding of ourselves and the world may change when we travel to new places or view a familiar place through new eyes.
There's some really good stuff here, but a couple of things are holding you back.
The first big one is essay structure. Overall, it feels like you're switching between texts too often, and as such, your paragraphs often don't have a clear idea-based focus because you get to the end and just say 'therefore, discovery can lead to renewed perceptions' pretty much every time.
As a new kind of structure, try this:
Paragraph 1: Comparing Invictus and Into the Wild
Paragraph 2: Comparing Into the Wild and Go Back
Paragraph 3: Comparing Go Back and Invictus
Now, for each paragraph (e.g. Paragraph 2: Into the Wild + Go Back) think of a related idea that's present in both texts. For example, you state in your conclusion that they both explore the notion of changes in our physical place impacting our perception. So for this paragraph, you can start with a sentence like 'Often, changes in one's physical environment can mirror changes in our understanding and expectations.' Then you can spend the paragraph talking about and analysing both texts. Then, when you get to the end, you can take that idea and ask 'what does this say about the prompt?' The answer to that question will be your last sentence for that para.
So in other words, your paragraphs should aim to obey the following:
1. Outline a general (i.e. not text-specific) idea about discovery that's related to the prompt.
2. Zoom in to one of the texts
3. Analyse that text.
4. Find a connection between that first text and a second one.
5. Analyse that second text.
6. Zoom out a bit and talk about what that second text says about discovery.
7. Bring the texts together and talk about a point of similarity or difference.
8. Zoom all the way out to the prompt and link your paragraph's focus to the ideas raised by the prompt.
Secondly, whilst the quality of your analysis is pretty good, you need to connect one point of analysis to the next. It's like you're trying to build a lego tower; if you don't connect the bricks... then you just have a pile of bricks sitting around :P It's crucial that you make those connections really strong, and think about why you're going from one bit of evidence to the next.
This goes for your paragraphs too.At the moment, I could put your body paragraphs in any random order and nothing would be different. You want your discussion to feel like it's going from 1 --> 2 --> 3, not just 1 & 2 & 3 with no sense of progress and linking.
Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, make sure your essay has a contention or thesis statement. You have to build an 'argument' around an idea; you're not supposed to prove the prompt right - you're supposed to take that prompt as a starting point for your own thesis.
Think of it this way: if you got a prompt like 'Discovering who we are can take a long time.'
A mid-range essay would have a 'thesis' like: In order to discover who we are, we have to spend a long time working out our identities. See how it's just completely agreeing? There's no challenge, and there's no sense that the student writing this is taking the ideas further.
A high-range essay, though, might have a thesis like: 'Although we may think we know ourselves well, often the process of self-discovery is a long and arduous one, but this is ultimately a necessary experience if we want to truly understand ourselves.' There's waaaay more going on in this sentence now. We're talking about how the process is long and difficult, and how it's necessary even though it's a struggle.
If in doubt, go for the following formula:
'Although >challenge to the prompt that disagrees a bit< , ultimately >main argument that mostly agrees with the prompt, but looks at the reasons or consequences for this being true, too.< '
So, in summary; the stuff to work on:
- Linking between ideas
- Connections between paragraphs, especially in topic sentences
- Alternative essay structure that let you explore more ideas in more depth
- Stronger thesis statement based on, but not limited to the prompt
Best of luck!
Post by: Spencerr on January 26, 2016, 09:13:52 pm
Hey! I've recently 'discovered' this website and it's been sooo helpful. I was wondering if you guys could help check my essay on discovery. Any feedback would be invaluable! The essay is a generic one without a set question in mind.
The biggest struggle that I have right now is taking my expression and sophistication to the next level. What practice would you guys recommend so that I can do that? Thanks so much in advance.
Experiences of discoveries either challenge or affirm deeply held values, resulting in transformations and broadened perceptions. Within Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest, lies an exploration into the transformative power of discoveries supplemented by an examination into the relationship between one’s self and one’s world, enabling Shakespeare to renew perspectives on colonialism. However, the multi-faceted nature of discoveries espouses the differing ramifications imposed upon individuals, as Edgar Allen Poe’s psychological short story, The Tell Tale Heart, conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries in evoking change. Nonetheless, Poe similarly creates fresh perspectives by widening perceptions on the human condition. Thus..answer question.
In The Tempest, Shakespeare highlights the power of discoveries to unveil the faults of individuals, an instrumental step in engendering transformation and repentance. From the outset, the tempest which shipwrecks the characters on the island, acts as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. The plight of the characters facilitates Miranda’s self-discovery of compassion, her emotive language “If by your art... I have suffered/ With those that I saw suffer!”” acts as a foil to Prospero’s enthusiastic exclamation ”Why, that’s my spirit” in apprehending the destruction he has contrived. As such, Prospero relegates to the immorality of Alonso, Sebastian and Antonio, conspirators of his usurpation who ultimately realise their moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. This confronting discovery of the supernatural coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin”, prompts Sebastian and Antonio to run off in a mad fit. In contrast, Alonso acknowledges his guilt and repents, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience, where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. Ironically, it is through Ariel’s pathos for the characters “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero transforms and recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance” with the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance” highlighting his discovery of forgiveness. Thus, The Tempest reveals the potential of discoveries to uncover flaws within individuals, laying the foundations for change and transformation.
In The Tell Tale Heart, Poe conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries to induce positive transformations through the protagonist’s lack of penitence despite apprehending his moral vices. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat as a physical manifestation of the narrator’s internalised guilt. The succession of short sentences in “They hear!-they suspected!-they KNEW!” emulates the rhythm of the heartbeat, allowing the audience to empathise with the narrator’s troubled conscience. Thus, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “Suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!”, as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of actions. This self discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police”, parallels Alonso’s realisation of his immorality in confronting the harpy. However, antonymous to the peaceful denouement in The Tempest, epitomised by the dramatic device of Prospero’s unifying circle, representing the complete cycle of change and repentance, The Tell Tale heart is devoid of meaningful transformations. The narrator’s lack of contrition despite realising his moral corruption is underscored by the exclamatory repetitions in “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, wherein the anaphora “why” contradicts the fulfilling nature of discoveries, as experienced by Alonso. As such,The Tell Tale heart serves a counterpoint to the positive transformative ramifications of discoveries.
In The Tempest , the act of discovering new ideals entails a challenge to pre-existing beliefs, leading to the creation of renewed perspectives of the world. Shakespeare employs the sea voyage in act 1 as a historical allusion to the age of discovery during which colonialism was spurred on by expansionist ideologies. Caliban’s harsh emotive language and parenthesis “I loved thee, and showed thee all the qualities of the isle....cursed bet that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation reflected in the relationship between Caliban and Prospero, master and slave. Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes supercilious European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Shakespeare utilises a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano as they encounter Caliban to reiterate the link between physical discoveries and exploitation despite simultaneously satirising colonial theory. However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility, illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism that enslaves such noble creatures and, thus preconceived assumptions of European dominance. Therefore, the play, an allegory for 17th century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audiences’ self-discovery by challenging entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating new perspectives on the “New World”.
Whereas discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity. The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue and first person narration invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self-discovery. Initially, the narrator’s attempt to assert his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “Why do you say that I am mad?...Is it not clear that I am not mad?” produces an antithetical response, with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence. The metaphoric “vulture eye”, symbolic of man’s desire for truth, expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity, whereas in The Tempest, the audience unexpectedly discovers Caliban’s nobility. This intellectual realisation challenges the protagonist’s self-perspective and catalyses the murder of the “old man”. As such, Poe utilises the intentionally anonymous narrator as a representative of humanity, revealing the innate evil within mankind, a discovery mirrored by the contrast between Caliban and Antonio in The Tempest. Whilst civilised Antonia appears superior to Caliban, he in fact the morally corrupt “savage”, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences that stand ‘twist me and Milan”. Thus, the audience’s changed perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discovers to challenge preconceived beliefs and create fresh perspectives.
Inevitably, the process of discovery entails challenges to pre-existing values, namely of humanity in The Tell Tale Heart and of the colonial theory in The Tempest. Although, discoveries may develop opportunities for transformation and change, the dichotomous ramifications demonstrated in The Tempest and The Tell Tale Heart attest towards the individualised and unique nature of discoveries. Nonetheless both texts highlight....Answer question
Post by: literally lauren on January 27, 2016, 10:08:40 pm
Experiences of discoveries either challenge or affirm deeply held values, resulting in transformations and broadened perceptions. Within Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest, lies an exploration into the transformative power of discoveries supplemented by an examination into bit of repetition in the sentence structure here. Try to vary your expression the relationship between one’s self and one’s world, enabling Shakespeare to renew perspectives on colonialism this is a bit too general? What perspectives are being renewed? Are you saying he was renewing ideals that had been lost to Jacobean England? Or are you saying that the perspectives he depicted renewed those of his time? I know this is a generalised essay, but this probably wouldn't cut it in the exam as it's a little too insubstantial. However, the multi-faceted nature of discoveries espouses this word usually only works with an active agent as the subject of the sentence. Think of it like the verb 'adopt' as in 'to adopt the view that...' You can't say 'discoveries adopt the view that ramifications are placed on individuals' because discoveries can't 'adopt' anything - nor can they 'espouse.' What you seem to be getting at here is that the nature of discoveries reveals/shows that... etc. It's worth looking up some synonyms for these kinds of verbs though, as they come up a lot the differing ramifications imposed upon individuals, as Edgar Allen Poe’s psychological short story, The Tell Tale Heart, conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries in evoking change. Nonetheless, Poe similarly creates fresh perspectives by widening perceptions on the human condition. Thus..answer question. see end comments re: memorised material
In The Tempest, Shakespeare highlights the power of discoveries to unveil the faults of individuals - an instrumental step in engendering transformation and repentance. From the outset, the tempest which shipwrecks the characters on the island, acts as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. This is a good point, and you've linked a major piece of evidence to some analysis quite nicely, but there's not quite enough of a connection between this and your topic sentence; namely, what does this have to do with discovery? The plight of the characters Which characters? What plight? This doesn't link to the previous point about Prospero at all, it seems. There is a connection here, but you can't get marks for it unless you make it explicit facilitates Miranda’s self-discovery of compassion, her emotive language “If by your art... I have suffered/ With those that I saw suffer!”” acts as a foil to Prospero’s enthusiastic exclamation ”Why, that’s my spirit” in apprehending the destruction he has contrived. As such, Prospero relegates to the immorality of Alonso, Sebastian and Antonio, conspirators of his usurpation who ultimately realise their moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. There's a bit too much going on in this sentence, and it feels like you've moved away from the focus of your paragraph quite rapidly. This confronting discovery of the supernatural coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin”, prompts Sebastian and Antonio to run off in a mad fit. In contrast, Alonso acknowledges his guilt and repents, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience, where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. Good analysis! And awesome quote integration to back it up :) Ironically, it is through Ariel’s pathos for the characters “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero transforms and recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance” with the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance” highlighting his discovery of forgiveness. I think you could spell this out a little more; how is this antithesis created? ie. how do you know it's an antithesis? Are you wanting to analyse the meaning of the words individually, or the fact that there's alliteration here? And how does this antithesis link with the idea of discovery? Don't just tell me 'this evidence highlights this idea' - explain why this is the case! Thus, The Tempest reveals the potentialoffor discoveries to uncover flaws within individuals, was this your sub-argument here? Your concluding sentence is really nice, but it feels a bit divorced from what's going on in the actual paragraph. You need to a) make sure your evidence links from point to point - there are moments where you do this well, but the beginning of the para. jumps around a bit too much, and b) ensure that you can forge a link between this collective evidence and the point you're making. What you've got here is a very solid argument, and I can see how your evidence would support it, but if I'm your assessor, I'm not allowed to give you marks for what I assume or project onto your essay; I can only credit you with what you make apparent laying the foundations for change and transformation.
In The Tell Tale Heart, Poe conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries to induce positive transformations through the protagonist’s lack of penitence despite apprehending his moral vices. what do you mean by this exactly? Are you talking about his qualms with killing, or his guilt? I'm not too sure what 'apprehending' is doing in this context or which 'vices' you're referring to. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat as a physical manifestation of the narrator’s internalised guilt. Good! The succession of short sentences in “They hear!-they suspected!-they KNEW!” emulates the rhythm of the heartbeat, allowing the audience to empathise perhaps 'pity' would be more appropriate here. 'Empathise' implies we look at his situation and think 'ah, that sucks, and I'd hate to be in the same situation because that's how I'd respond if it happened to me' (e.g. empathising with a friend crying because they failed a test when you know what that feels like) whereas pity is more like 'that really sucks that you got yourself into this situation - I would've acted differently and in accordance with my own morals, but I still feel bad for you' (e.g. pitying a friend who got caught cheating in a test, even though you would never even consider cheating) with the narrator’s troubled conscience. Thus, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “Suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!”, as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of actions. Really nice link here!!! This is a great way to bridge across texts and I like how subtly you transition :) :) This self discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police”, parallels Alonso’s realisation good evidence + language here of his immorality starting to overuse this word a bit - find some synonyms! in confronting the harpy. However, antonymous an 'antonym' is a word that's the opposite of another (e.g. 'bad' is an antonym of 'good') so you could only call two things antonymous if you were talking about words and their meaning. You can't really apply it to concepts or plot devices, so go for something like 'contrary' or 'as opposed to' here instead to the peaceful denouement in The Tempest, epitomised by the dramatic device of Prospero’s unifying circle, representing the complete cycle of change and repentance, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of meaningful transformations This is the second piece I've read that makes this argument, and I'd have to disagree here - the whole story is like one long, slow, gradual realisation, changing the character from a cold-blooded killer to a guild-ridden shell of a man who ends up dobbing himself in, which seems like a substantial transformation to me. The narrator’s lack of contrition despite realising his moral corruption is underscored by the exclamatory repetitions in “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, wherein the anaphora “why” contradicts the fulfilling nature of discoveries, as experienced by Alonso as in, Tell Tale's narrator only has questions, whereas Alonso is able to find answers? If that's not it, I'm not sure what your point is here. As such,The Tell Tale Heart serves a counterpoint to the positive transformative ramifications of discoveries Okay, so are you saying TTH suggests that discoveries can lead to negative transformations, or that sometimes discoveries don't lead to any positive transformations at all? There's some great discussion in this paragraph, but your final point is a little less clear - tighten that up so you can do your paragraph justice.
It'd be great if you had some linking words for the starts of these paragraphs. It can seem superficial, but even a basic 'Furthermore' or 'Similarly' can create the illusion of flow and make it seem like your paragraphs are building on one another rather than being three or four entirely separate discussions. In The Tempest , the act of discovering new ideals entails a challenge to pre-existing beliefs, leading to the creation of renewed are they 'new' or 'renewed?' The former implies you're discovering entirely new ideals for the first time, but the latter implies you're rejuvenating your perspective by seeing something familiar in a fresh light. You've got both in this sentence, which is a little confusing perspectives of the world. Shakespeare employs the sea voyage in act 1 this discussion feels like it belongs more with the first bit of your first paragraph when talking about the actual tempest and the journey itself as a historical allusion to the age of discovery during which colonialism was spurred on by expansionist ideologies. Caliban’s harsh emotive language and parenthesis “I loved thee, and showed thee all the qualities of the isle....cursed bet that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation reflected in the relationship between Caliban and Prospero, master and slave. Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes supercilious European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Good. Shakespeare utilises try not to overuse this word - it's not wrong, but it's a missed opportunity to say something more than 'Shakespeare uses X' Consider: 'celebrates, condemns, condones, propounds, vilifies etc.' a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano as they encounter Caliban to reiterate the link between physical discoveries and exploitation despite simultaneously satirising colonial theory quote? However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility, illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism that enslaves such noble creatures and, thus preconceived assumptions of European dominance. Very good, this is much more clearly spelled out - aim for this kind of clarity when explaining evidence because this is excellent. Therefore, the play, an allegory for 17th century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audiences’ self-discovery by challenging entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating new perspectives on the “New World” V good para conclusion.
Whereasdiscoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity.The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue and first person narration invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self-discovery I thought you said before that there was no meaningful transformations in the story? Initially, the narrator’s attempt to assert his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “Why do you say that I am mad?...Is it not clear that I am not mad?” produces an antithetical response, with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence good point :). The metaphoric “vulture eye”, symbolic of man’s desire for truth, expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity yes it does, but you need to tell me how and why it does so. What function does the vulture eye play in TTH? Why is this significant? whereas in The Tempest, the audience unexpectedly discovers Caliban’s nobility. I like that you're making links across the texts, but this one comes across as a bit too brief. Either flesh it out for another sentence so you can make your point properly, or just get rid of this reference and focus more so on TTH in this para. This intellectual realisation challenges the protagonist’s self-perspective and catalyses the murder of the “old man”. As such, Poe utilises the intentionally anonymous narrator you could even make something of the use of 1st and 2nd person throughout, as in 'You think me mad' where the protagonist addresses the reader directly; consider the effect of this as a representative of humanity, revealing the innate evil within mankind, a discovery mirrored by the contrast between Caliban and Antonio in The Tempest. Whilst civilised Antonia appears superior to Caliban, he in fact the morally corrupt “savage”, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences that stand ‘twist me and Milan” good. Thus, the audience’s changed perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discovery to challenge preconceived beliefs and create fresh perspectives. Some excellent comparison here, but I think the point of this paragraph undercuts the one you made in your 2nd a bit. There's some inconsistency with your interpretation of TTH that needs to be ironed out - everything on The Tempest is fine here though.
Inevitably, the process of discovery entails challenges to preexisting values you've used this expression at the start of your 3rd para already; vary this, namely of humanity in The Tell Tale Heart and of the colonial theory in The Tempest. Although, discoveries may develop opportunities for transformation and change, the dichotomous ramifications demonstrated in The Tempest and The Tell Tale Heart attest towardsthe individualised and unique nature of discoveries. Nonetheless both texts highlight....Answer question see end comments
You've got some really high-quality textual analysis here, and your integration and discussion of quotes and other evidence was pretty spot-on.
First point of improvement: the ideas about discovery that you're extracting from The Tell Tale Heart seem a little bit contradictory. Put simply, it boils down to whether or not you think the protagonist does discover something over the course of the story. I'd probably argue that he does, even if he's too insane to realise it, but I could understand how someone might argue the opposite. Either way, you have to be consistent!
It's probably worth sorting this out prior to writing more essays though, so maybe go back to the text, reevaluate your stance, and just list a bunch of basic questions and answers like:
- Does the protagonist discover anything?
- If so, what? If not, why not?
- What facilitates this discovery, or what hinders it?
- Is this discovery deliberate?
- Does this discovery change anything?
- What effect does this discovery have on the character/plot?
- What kind of discoveries do the readers make?
- How do our discoveries differ from the protagonist's?
If you find this helpful, you could do the same for The Tempest and see how many questions you can list, but most of your analysis seems fine here, so it's up to you.
This should assist you in getting a really clear-cut grasp on what the text has to say, and then you can jazz it up in your essays to present in a more 'English-y' way.
Now, with regards to pre-learned material, I totally get the impulse to memorise, but the truly high scoring students are the ones who do it in a smart way by having a 'swiss cheese' kind of essay. This means that rather than having an introduction where the first four or five lines are just the same generic statements about the human condition or the multifaceted nature of discovery (since a lot of assessors will see right through that) you'll instead have gaps every second sentence or so for you to fill in a viable connection to the prompt.
So rather than waiting until the end of your introduction to 'answer the question,' it'll be uber-impressive if you're doing that right from the start, instantly separating yourself from the pack of students who are just churning out the same old thing. It's important to ensure you're writing refined, polished sentences, but it's even more important to be addressing the prompt, so if you can make that your goal right from the start, the assessors will notice.
It's all about finding the right blend of 'stuff you've written before that you know works well and sounds nice' and trusting your ability to improvise and deal with unseen material effectively.
Also, there were sections of your piece that demonstrated a great process of dissecting evidence, explaining its relevance, and gradually building an argument. But there were others that skipped some of those steps, and it's very tough for your teachers to give you credit if you're leaping all over the place without 'showing your workings,' so to speak. Try to minimise the amount of 'X represents Y' sentences and instead opt for more in depth explanations of how and why X represents Y, if that makes sense.
Expression and sophstication really don't seem to be an issue here; there were a few odd word choice errors but nothing too significant (~mostly just me being nit-picky if I'm honest). But you've flagged this as an area of concern, so perhaps try and be more specific with yourself - what kind of expression issues do you find weigh you down?
If in doubt, go for the catch-all question for self-evaluation in English:
Do I not know what to write, or do I not know how to write it?
So to sum up:
1) Iron out that Tell Tale interpretation so you can write about it confidently and without fear of contradiction. Question the text if you need to, as this is a good way to force yourself to come at it from a wider variety of angles and, in doing so, will potentially unlock some new essay fodder for you to discuss.
2) Make sure your essays prioritise the prompts, and practice adapting your knowledge of the texts to specific questions. Create some 'swiss-cheese' sentences that let you slot ideas into place, but don't fall into the 'chuck of rote-learned stuff' trap if you can avoid it
3) Focus on building points within paragraphs, both in terms of logic and linking sentences. I've marked the places in your piece where you were doing this well, so take note of those and replicate the same kind of approach in future
4) See if you can self-mark in order to find instances of what you believe to be issues with expression or sophistication. You could even keep a running tally when you write your next piece of all the words and sentences you find tough to write, or consider kind of clunky. Even just asterisking the margins next to each one would suffice. Then you can come back to them and (either yourself, or with the help of teachers/AN) dissect the problematic elements and improve them. There are other, more general exercises to improve expression like wider reading, but the one outlined above is probably going to be the most efficient way to tackle things.
Let us know if you have any questions, and great work overall! :)
Post by: Spencerr on January 27, 2016, 10:55:22 pm
Just a few points of clarification:
"Try to minimise the amount of 'X represents Y' sentences and instead opt for more in depth explanations of how and why X represents Y, if that makes sense."
Could you elaborate a bit more on this part? The style i adopt when I write an essay usually means I build up an argument over the course of a paragraph instead of having individual discrete sentences. Could you show me an example on how I could improve with regards to your feedback?
THANKS :) :)
Post by: literally lauren on January 28, 2016, 07:52:17 am
"Try to minimise the amount of 'X represents Y' sentences and instead opt for more in depth explanations of how and why X represents Y, if that makes sense."The overall paragraph argumentation is important, but you also need to make sure the individual pieces of your analysis fit together and aren't assuming too much of your assessor.
Could you elaborate a bit more on this part? The style i adopt when I write an essay usually means I build up an argument over the course of a paragraph instead of having individual discrete sentences. Could you show me an example on how I could improve with regards to your feedback?
Take the following sentence: Poe foreshadows the protagonist's fate when he has him acknowledge that the old man "sitting up in the bed listening; just as [the protagonist had] done, night after night, hearkening to the death watches in the wall."
That's quite a long quite, but I'm providing the whole thing for context here.
My reasoning is that Poe deliberately mirrors the protagonist closing in upon his victim with the idea of sealed fates and encroaching darkness with the notion of the protagonist's own sense of impending doom, which reaches its zenith at the story's end. In that quote, the character states that the old man would lie awake listening to death "just as I have done," so this parallel between the soon-to-be-victim and the protagonist serves as a kind of foreshadowing for the final moments of the text. When the protagonist kills the old man, he seals both of their fates, in a way.
Now that you know my reasoning, you can see why that sentence makes sense. The trouble is that I haven't actually put any of that reasoning into my analytical sentence; I've just stated that Poe foreshadows the character's demise by having the protagonist acknowledge that both he and the old man lay awake fearing death. Or, in other words, Poe does Y, as represented by X.
But how/why does X represent Y? How/why does that quote, and the fact that there is this mirroring between the two characters, serve as a foreshadowing of the protagonist's fate?
The answer to those questions would have to be embedded in my analysis somewhere if I wanted write as safe a piece as possible. Not every time, mind you - you're allowed to assume some things, and not every point will warrant this kind of spelling out, but you should be able to pick out the important parts of your reasoning and demonstrate them in your analysis, rather than leave it all out and assume your assessor can follow your train of thought.
At this point, it'd be better to overexplain than underexplain, so perhaps pick out a few parts of your analysis, and just focus on spelling out the link between your evidence and the overall idea or argument you're building up to. If it turns out you've gone too far, then you can just cut a few bits out, and you're done, but that process will give you some idea of how much analysis is needed in certain circumstances.
Put simply, if I can still ask: 'how do you know?' at the end of a sentence in your body paragraph, then you need to go back and work on it.
& if I can ask 'so what?' at the enc of the paragraph overall, then you need a stronger, more relevant concluding sentence. The former is more important for you now, but this one can also be a good test to conduct yourself :)
Hope that clears things up!
Post by: ssarahj on January 28, 2016, 06:24:03 pm
The question was, "Analyse how discoveries have a meaningful impact on a person’s sense of self".
An individual’s sense of self and identity is directly impacted by discoveries in their lives, which become meaningful due to their personal nature. This act of self-discovery can help an individual develop their relationships and perception of their purpose in the world. The play Away written by Michael Gow and the film Mao’s Last Dancer directed by Bruce Beresford both consistently demonstrate this idea. These impacts on sense of self can be a result of an individual overcoming grief, altering world views, developing a connection with nature and also finding freedom. Therefore discoveries have a very meaningful impact on a person’s perception of themselves.
Self-discovery can assist an individual in overcoming hardships and loss, fostering a deeper inner understanding. People who have dealt with grief at some point in their lives can have a stronger sense of self and resilience. In Away, the character Coral is immobilised by the death of her son in the Vietnam War to the point where she struggles to function in everyday society. She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief. As the play progresses towards its conclusion, Coral begins to heal as she discovers her ability to continue everyday life without her son. The Shakespearean device of a play-within-a-play, ‘The Stranger on the Shore’ is symbolic of Coral’s return from the, “silent bottom of the deep”, to, “[her] own world and [her] own people”. She demonstrates this meaningful transition by stating, “[in her own voice] I’m walking, I’m walking, I’m walking”, representing her new identity and rediscovery of the value of life. Thus it can be seen that discoveries have direct impact on an individual’s sense of self in overcoming grief and loss.
The discovery of contrasting cultures and worldviews allow for an individual to examine their identity and place in society. Often it can come as a shock for people as they experience a country or culture’s ideologies for the first time. This is very prevalent in Mao’s Last Dancer as Li is exposed to the predominantly Capitalist America which is in conflict with the Communist China he grew up in. As a child Li was effectively brainwashed into thinking that Americans, “live in darkness with hardly any daylight”. This hyperbolic statement is juxtaposed with a shot that follows of Li in an American nightclub with a close up of the bright lights surrounding him. Beresford clearly demonstrates that Li’s perceptions of the world outside of China are being challenged through his discovery of American culture. As Li spends more time in America he begins to show doubts about his home country and the Communist ideals. He states, “China [isn’t] so easy. [They] tell you what to do, where to go, what [you] can say”, which uses short phrases of dialogue to emphasise the basic aspects of his freedom that he didn’t have in China. This realisation has a major impact on Li’s worldview and ultimately leads to his defection from China. Thus it can be seen that a person’s examination of their sense of self can be as a result of the discovery of different cultures and worldview.
Nature can assist and act as the catalyst for discoveries that impact an individual’s sense of self. The powerful ability of nature as a physical and metaphorical presence allows for many meaningful discoveries. In Away, Gwen is transformed from being obsessed with structure and material possessions to having appreciation for family and the value of life. The act of going away from home on a holiday provides her with the opportunity for self-discovery without the pressure of domestic spaces. This is compounded by Gow’s use of the Shakespearean device of a storm to put Gwen in a position of vulnerability with the destruction of her possessions, such as her, “new caravan. With everything in it you could want”. The beach is also used as a symbolic place of healing as this is where Gwen discovers the importance of family and her relationships after presumably learning of Tom’s illness from Vic. Her transformation is epitomised through her attempt to reconnect with her husband Jim as she says, “Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm”. The symbol of water as rejuvenating and calming helps the audience to understand Gwen’s focus on reconciliation.. Therefore it is clear that the influence of nature can lead to discoveries which have meaningful impacts on individuals.
A person’s discovery of freedom in their life can promote a stronger perception of themselves. This is even more powerful after being in an repressive situation. In Away, Tom is able to come to terms with his imminent death despite his parents refusal to acknowledge the terminal nature of his illness. This allows Tom to discover the freedom of accepting his destiny. This is epitomised in his final line of the play, “Unburden’d crawl towards death”. The intertextuality of this passage from Shakespeare’s King Lear adds depth and context to Tom’s situation and symbolises the conclusion of his struggle with his mortality. Similarly in Mao’s Last Dancer, Li discovers his identity and true capability through the freedom he finds dancing in America. In Li’s first ballet production in Texas he performs a complicated solo jump which is shown in slow motion as a mid-shot of his chest with arms outstretched and a crescendo in the music. This represents him breaking free of his autocratic Chinese Communist past and embracing his future in America. Therefore it can be seen that an individual’s discovery of freedom in their lives can enhance their sense of self.
The discoveries an individual makes throughout their life have meaningful impacts on their sense of self and the type of person they become. Discovery as a result of grief, differing cultures, the influence of nature and freedom from repression provides an individual with opportunity for self-reflection, leading to a better understanding of themselves. Thus it can be concluded that the personal nature of discoveries in an individual’s life provide meaningful impacts on their sense of self.
Post by: MemeKing on January 29, 2016, 04:59:34 pm
Rediscovery -Rediscovering Hurley’s Artworks in order gain a more appreciative and heightened meaning
Nasht’s cinema verite of Hurley traces the mutability of his artworks to persuade an audience to reassess and appreciate the historical truth of his manipulations. Nasht configures Hurley in ‘Frank Hurley’ to serve as a consistent reminder to the audience of his transience through the initial montage of Hurley’s images in accompany with dramatic noble music. This attempts to immortalize the otherwise ephemeral significance of Hurley’s artworks in order to convey to an audience of Hurley’s “remarkable photography” and to view Hurley in a different perspective. In an attempt to prevent the decay of Hurley’s legacy, Nasht attempts of justify Hurley’s otherwise immoral representation of reality in a purist society by employing a series of quadtiptyches. This is cultivated in order to contest the inevitable subjectivity of the historical truth behind Hurley’s images and presents an arbitrary audience the rationale behind Hurley’s manipulations. Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth. This is displayed further through Nasht’s portrayal of the cyclical nature of the auction house in accompany with “The Polar Sale” that ultimately commemorates the appreciation and value of Hurley’s artwork once a societies’ rationale transcends pre-existing paradigms. Ultimately in ‘Frank Hurley’, Nasht conveys to an audience that through discovering a more justified approach to questioning historical truth can a more appreciative stance on historical truth be gained.
Self-Discovery – Discovering Hurley’s inability to sustain his ‘showman’ facade and thus attempts to perpetuate the creation of himself as a myth
Upon reassessing one’s inability to sustain one’s desired facade, man attempts to perpetuate their own fallacy in an attempt to succour their desired self-image. Hurley’s incapability to support the perpetuation of his legacy is highlighted through Nasht’s depiction of Hurley’s life as a personified “story” embellishing “many stories” but his “own”. This suggests that Hurley tried consistently to portray himself as his own myth, however, could not sustain his depiction and ultimately resorted to associating himself with other stories. However, in “Frank Hurley”, Nasht engages in demonstrating to an audience of Hurley’s self-discovery that ultimately provokes him to undergo inherent transformation that eventually leads to the creation of a myth that perpetuates Hurley’s decide self-image. Nasht’s attempts to symbolise Hurley’s desired legacy is demonstrated through constant mythological symbolisms to “the hero’s journey”. Nasht engages in this narration in order to portray Hurley’s inherent desire to perpetuate himself to a purist audience of his own mythological fallacy. His inability to perpetuate his desired facade renders him “exhausted by the struggle”, however, Hurley’s ambition towards self-fulfilment is highlighted through Nasht’s placement of the final voiceover of Hurley’s diaries stating, “If I could live my life again, I’d do it all exactly the same”. This final voiceover in conjunction with images of Hurley with a camera is ultimately placed by Nasht in order to immortalize Hurley’s fallacy as a “grand illusionist”. Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates Hurley’s ability to reassess him and undergo a process that effectively allows Hurley to sustain and perpetuate his desired self-image.
Post by: lauren7366 on January 29, 2016, 06:34:02 pm
Stories of our past help us discover who we are in the present.
To what extend does this confirm your understanding that discoveries can be reassessed over time?
Discoveries can be a process of reassessment, which are catalyzed due to change of circumstance and reflection of ones past mistakes. As a result of these confronting and provocative discoveries, enlightenment is reached in the reformation of our morals, encouraging humanist values such as forgiveness and love. William Shakespeare’s pastoral comedy, “The Tempest” written in 1610, and the film, “The count of Monte Cristo,” directed by Kevin Reynolds, both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful. This realization comes through reflection of the past in order to progress in future endeavors.
The Tempest follows the reformation of an individuals absolute control and power, into benevolent traits such as internal judgment and empathetic characteristics that would thrive within utopian governance. This is achieved by self acceptance of past faults providing a renewed perception of compassion and forgiveness; notions that are the fundamentals of humanism. When remarking to Miranda the “foul play”, that they were “heaved thence,” Prospero highlights the corrupt society in which he ruled, where he himself “neglect[ed] worldly ends, all dedicated to the closeness and the bettering of [his] mind,” but also the world in which he was betrayed by “ a brother […] so perfidious.” Shakespeare utilizes this as a microcosm for the power lust that humanity exemplifies in positions of authority; knowledge prized over our collective morality and familiar bonds. The 1600’s imperialistic context of control and influence over the majority, is prevalent within Prospero’s need to manipulate native Caliban and Ariel’s servitude for personalized advantage. This is showcased using the disruption of natural order, the tempest itself symbolizing the brazen attitude that Prospero subjects’ others to; as a result of his ultimate thirst for revenge that dominates all cognitive deliberation. Audiences grapple with Prospero’s shortcomings to understand that life manipulates the circumstances that we oversee, however it is how we confront these circumstances that determines our future success.
Individuals in powerful positions often have to experience unprompted failure in order to reassess corrupt core values and furthermore access personalized freedom and amend flawed leadership qualities. It is through Prospero’s relationship with spirit Ariel, that access to worldly insight is obtained; from self absorption into acceptance of the altruistic experiences in life, taking from this a renewed optimism for the future. Prospero’s individual values of hatred, are challenged by Ariel’s perspective of tenderness and wisdom in the face of choice, “that if you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” This is then furthered by the acknowledgment of the humanistic characteristics that Prospero should adhere to by reason of his biological makeup, “mine would sir, if I were human.” From this, audiences are reminded of the humanity we are answerable to exhibit in order to thrive as a society, however Prospero also learns that his corruption is what erodes humanisms core belief; if we cannot have faith in the people, a strong fundament of politics cannot be developed. We also see this realised in alliteration, “rarer act is in virtue than in vengeance”, symbolising the discovery of human connection and that kindness prevails over the corrupt quest of power.
Prospero’s epiphany similarly coincides with Edmond Dante’s experience, his integral belief in vengeance challenged by Abbe Farria (priest) and the revelation of a biological son, leading to a rewarding sense of love and peace from one’s inner demons. Chief prosecutor Ville fort; one who originally deceives Edmond into imprisonment, foreshadows the enlightenment that Edmond is to experience at the end of the film, “perhaps some good will come out of this treasonous affair.” Audiences understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool, providing the wisdom to forgive even in the face of ultimate choice. The unpredictable discovery of his biological son, through exclamatory language accompanied by directed close up, “Albert, you are the son of Edmond Dantes. The man you know as the Count of Monte Cristo,” allows Edmond to reassess the importance of a personal vendetta when presented with opportunity to rebuild love ; a founding characteristic that is vital in order to further one’s humanism.
thanks
Post by: foodmood16 on January 30, 2016, 10:38:56 am
The question is 'Discoveries can be transformative and/or far-reaching for an individual'
The emotional, intellectual and physical discoveries can act as the foundations for an individual and can have a transformative effect on their awareness of human experiences and the wider world. The discoveries can be carefully planned, so much that the composer can place an individual in unauthentic situations, even without their knowledge. In the 2011 documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants are taken on the migrant journey in reverse and the experiences of Adam Hartup and Darren Hassan show many emotional ramifications that are impacted by their awareness of the influence of the media on this political issue. The producers have seemingly composed many of the experiences to exaggerate the extent of their discoveries, making the responders question the far-reaching impact of the emotional responses of the participants. Similarly, in the 1963 poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ by Seamus Heaney explores the transformative discoveries of his own childhood, having lost an infant in traumatic accident. He focuses on how this impacted the people around the protagonist, as well as the reader. He uses carefully planned literary techniques in order to provoke an emotional response from the reader. Both texts explore how discoveries can be influenced by the composer by making the audience and protagonist aware or unaware of these influences.
The foundations of transformative discoveries can be affected by the authorial presence and careful planning of a reality TV series, and ultimately the participants are unaware of this presence. During Episode 2 of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants take part in a police raid on a construction site. On the ride to the site, Adam comments, “if it’s the Chins I’ll lose my shit… I won’t be able to handle it.” The non-diegetic music builds into a suspenseful tone and the camera shows Adam in a close-up shot. This shows Adam’s unawareness of how his reaction to this confronting event can be manipulated by the producers. The emphatic language shows the growing attachment and understanding Adam has developed through the emotional discoveries. Throughout the raid, Adam doesn’t say much, but his body language expresses his confusion and confrontation, unaware of how to act in retaliation to the site of arrested refugees. As new discoveries are made, it becomes clear to the participants and audience how an authorial presence can shape material into their preferred ideal.
For the reader, transformative discoveries and their foundations are affected by the author of a text through their careful use of literary techniques, with allows the reader to emotionally respond to the text. In the poem, ‘Mid-Term Break’, many techniques are used to convey the story of the death of an infant, although the reader doesn’t discover this until the end of the journey. The title itself “Mid-Term Break”” leads the responder to think the poem is about a happy event of the end of the school year, making them unaware of the poignant and traumatic story that lay ahead. It is the end of the first stanza that the reader suspects that something unusual is about to occur, though still oblivious to the traumatic event. “At two o’clock our neighbours drove me home.” This unusual event of the neighbours taking the protagonist home allows the reader to prepare themselves for the death of the four-year-old boy, building the morbid mood. They are still unaware of the emotional consequences of the death. Far-reaching discoveries can be impacted by the author’s manipulation of words to lead to greater the impact of the responder’s emotional response.
As new understandings and perceptions develop from discoveries, it becomes clear how constructed the media is in order to portray a particular side of a story. The producers of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ have aimed to emphasise their pro-humanitarian motivation to provoke an empathetic response by the audience. At the end of Episode 1, the participants are placed on refugee boat, and are forced to travel into the open sea without knowledge of their destination. After experiencing this unauthentic situation, the live camera captures Darren, the most opposed to boat people, express his concerns that the media is “…emotionally involving us without our consent.” The collective terms used in his language shows that he is talking not only about himself, but the Australian public. Darren’s body language and tone also shows his agitation by the experience, and shows his awareness of how the program has constructed these ‘transformative’ experiences in order to provoke an emotional response by the participants. He also explains that the media wants “you should feel bad, you should feel empathy.” Darren is placed in a mid-shot, and uses high modality language to highlight his feeling of manipulation by the media. The awareness of constructed discoveries that an individual may undertake can therefore influence their shift in perceptions, or even affirm their previous understandings.
The new understandings and renewed perceptions that derive from the foundations of discoveries are impacted by the author’s choice of form and stylistic elements of their writing. In the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’, Heaney explores the parent’s reactions to the death of the infant, before the protagonist’s is discovered. In stanza 2, the father’s reaction is distinguished. “… I met my father crying…always taken funerals in his stride…” In the 1950’s, the thought of a man crying was against the society’s stereotypical man, and the use of this emphasises the lasting impact of the death of a loved one, especially an infant. The mother’s reaction to this terrible news is expressed in stanza 5. “…coughed out angry tearless sighs.” The silence of “tearless sighs” accentuates the idea of the reverence of death. At this stage, it is still unclear to the audience of who is dead, though the characters portrayed have already discovered this. The awareness of the characters show how discoveries build to the transformative foundations of the audience and their new understandings.
In conclusion, both the SBS documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ and the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ explore how the audience and participants are aware or unaware of how the composer influences the discoveries they make.
Post by: literally lauren on January 30, 2016, 01:37:37 pm
Feedback for ssarahj
"Analyse how discoveries have a meaningful impact on a person’s sense of self".
An individual’s sense of self and identityisshould be 'are' since you're talking about both 'sense of self' and 'identity,' and the distinction between the two can be quite interesting, in fact directly impacted by discoveries in their lives, which become meaningful due to their personal nature. This act of self-discovery can help an individual develop their relationships and perception of their purpose in the world. The play Away written by Michael Gow and the film Mao’s Last Dancer directed by Bruce Beresford both consistently demonstrate this idea. These impacts what impacts, exactly? If you're talking about developing relationships and perceptions, those ideas haven't really carried into the following sentence, so you've got a discussion of some concepts, then a sentence about the texts, and then you go back to those concepts again, which can be a bit jarring to follow on sense of self can be a result of an individual overcoming grief, altering world views, developing a connection with nature and also finding freedom. Try to avoid this listing of ideas if you can. Often intros are strengthened by 'opening up' the discussion, so spending maybe a sentence on each of these in order to flesh them out would be preferable to simply getting them all out of the way in one go. Therefore discoveries have a very meaningful impact on a person’s perception of themselves.
Self-discovery can assist an individual in overcoming hardships and loss, fostering a deeper inner understanding. People who have dealt with grief at some point in their lives can have a stronger sense of self and resilience. Great! I like that you're not just jumping from a hugely broad idea about discovery into the text in the very next sentence; these transition points where you gradually 'zoom in' are awesome! In Away, the character Coral is immobilised by the death of her son in the Vietnam War to the point where she struggles to function in everyday society. She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief see end comments!. As the play progressestowards its conclusion, Coral begins to heal as she discovers her ability to continue everyday life without her son. The Shakespearean device of a play-within-a-play perhaps this is terminology your teacher has verified (in which case ignore this) but I wouldn't necessarily call a 'play-within-a-play' a Shakesperean technique.He wasn't the first to use it in Hamlet and intertextuality is a very common thing, so unless you want to make a more substantial link here, it might be better to alter the wording, ‘The Stranger on the Shore’ is symbolic of Coral’s return from the, “silent bottom of the deep”, to, “[her] own world and [her] own people”. She demonstrates this meaningful transition by stating, “[in her own voice] I’m walking, I’m walking, I’m walking”, representing her new identity and rediscovery of the value of life. But how does her statement of "I'm walking" represent this? The evidence you've selected and the arguments you're making here are both excellent; you just need to connect the two more clearly to ensure you're getting sufficient credit. Thus it can be seen that discoveries have direct impact on an individual’s sense of self in overcoming grief and loss. V. good para conclusion that links directly to both the discussion and the topic :)
The discovery of contrasting cultures and worldviews allows --since it's singular 'discovery' even though you're talking about a plural contrast for an individual to examine their identity and place in society. Often it can come as a shock for people as they experience a country or culture’s ideologies for the first time. This is very prevalent in Mao’s Last Dancer as Li is exposed to the predominantly capitalist American ideology which is in conflict with the Communist China he grew up in. As a child Li was effectively brainwashed into thinking that Americans, “live in darkness with hardly any daylight”. This hyperbolic statement is juxtaposed with a shot that follows of Li in an American nightclub with a close up of the bright lights surrounding him. Beresford clearly demonstrates you're using this word quite a bit (and it's a good word to use, but overuse tends to lead to over-reliance, which can then lead to repetition) so perhaps lookk up some synonyms for this that Li’s perceptions of the world outside of China are being challenged through his discovery of American culture. As Li spends more time in America he begins to show doubts about his home country and the Communist ideals. He states, “China [isn’t] so easy. [They] tell you what to do, where to go, what [you] can say”, which uses short phrases of dialogue to emphasise the basic aspects of his freedom that he didn’t have in China. This realisation has a major impact on Li’s worldview and ultimately leads to his defection from China. Thus it can be seen that a person’s examination of their sense of self can be as a result of the discovery of different cultures and worldview. Good, though this paragraph conclusion is a little too similar to the statements you've already made. I noted in the last para. that it's good to have a concluding point that ties together the main focus of that discussion, but you don't want it to feel redundant or repetitious. Different wording can help here, but you may also want to build out to the prompt from a slightly different angle (e.g. why is it that self-reflection or exposure to other cultures lead to a change in one's worldview?)
Aim for greater fluency between paragraphs too; more on this in the end comments. Nature can assist and act as the catalyst for discoveries that impact an individual’s sense of self. The powerful ability of nature as a physical and metaphorical presence allows for many meaningful discoveries. In Away, Gwen is transformed from being obsessed with structure and material possessions to having appreciation for family and the value of life. The act of going away from home on a holiday provides her with the opportunity for self-discovery without the pressure of domestic spaces. This is compounded by Gow’s use of the Shakespearean device of a storm the 'play-within-a-play' thing was dubious, but I definitely wouldn't call the storm a 'Shakesperean' thing to put Gwen in a position of vulnerability with the destruction of her possessions, such as her, “new caravan. With everything in it you could want”. The beach is also used instead of saying 'used' which could come across as a fairly pedestrian word, try and go for a more descriptive way of describing what the author (/playwright) is trying to accomplish here. There's a great thread on improving vocabulary here for reference if you need a place to start :) as a symbolic place of healing as this is where Gwen discovers the importance of family and her relationships after presumably learning of Tom’s illness from Vic. Her transformation is epitomised through her attempt to reconnect with her husband Jim as she says, “Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm”. The symbol of water as rejuvenating and calming helps the audience to understand Gwen’s focus on reconciliation. Therefore it is clear that the influence of nature can lead to discoveries which have meaningful impacts on individuals. I like that you're prioritising clarity in these sentences because it means I'm left in no doubt about your focus and the relevance of this discussion to the topic. Now all you have to do is vary your sentence structure, as I'm noticing each of your paragrpahs ends in a very similar way - and it's effective, but needs to not be noticeable ;) Again, consult the link above and scroll down from some alternate sentence structures if needed.
A person’s discovery of freedom in their life can promote a stronger perception of themselves. This is even more powerful after being in an repressive situation. In Away, Tom is able to come to terms with his imminent death despite his parents refusal to acknowledge the terminal nature of his illness. This allows Tom to discover the freedom of accepting his destiny. This is epitomised in his final line of the play, “Unburden’d crawl towards death”. The intertextuality of this passage from Shakespeare’s King Lear adds depth and context to Tom’s situation and symbolises the conclusion of his struggle with his mortality. Similarly in Mao’s Last Dancer, Li discovers his identity and true capability through the freedom he finds dancing in America. In Li’s first ballet production in Texas he performs a complicated solo jump which is shown in slow motion as a mid-shot of his chest with arms outstretched and a crescendo in the music. This represents him breaking free of his autocratic Chinese Communist past and embracing his future in America. Therefore it can be seen that an individual’s discovery of freedom in their lives can enhance their sense of self. By the end of this paragraph (i.e. the end of your essay) it'd be good if you were able to zoom out and make a point about the nature of discovery more broadly. You've discussed your sub-argument well, but this should be moving back out to your overall contention here. The easiest way to do that is to keep asking 'so what' until you get to that really abstract level.
i.e. 'discovering freedom enhances one's sense of self'
>> so what?
Well, freedom and self-determination are inextricably linked
>> so what?
Without the freedom to discover oneself, we would be unable to actually define and understand ourselves.
^^and that's the sentiment that goes in the end of our paragraphph.
Note that you can keep conducting this exercise over and over again to see how far it'll take you. The same can be done with other questions like 'why?' and 'how do I know?'
The discoveries an individual makes throughout their life have meaningful impacts on their sense of self and the type of person they become. Discovery as a result of grief, differing cultures, the influence of nature and freedom from repression bit list-y - avoid this provides an individual with opportunity for self-reflection, leading to a better understanding of themselves. Thus it can be concluded that the personal nature of discoveries in an individual’s life provide meaningful impacts on their sense of self. I think your conclusion is letting you down a bit here. The first and last sentences are saying almost exactly the same thing, which is a statement that's already been made numerous times throughout your piece. The clarity and connections are great, but you don't want to go too far overboard and end up having an essay that's too narrow or repetitious. Likewise the sentence that lists off the focus of your body paragraphs doesn't really unite these ideas to say something meaningful about the way they relate to one another; it's just a checklist of things that have already been explored. Try to zoom out a bit more here; the questions listed at the end of the previous para might give some frameing here.
Really good stuff here! You seem to have the underlying structure well under control, and the clarity of your expressions was pretty much flawless.
There's some improvement to be made with regards to 'spelling out' your evidence and ensuring the assessors can get from A (your quotes and textual examples) to B (your overall ideas).
Taking this excerpt from your first paragraph:
"She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief."
and breaking this down into its essential bits, we have:
- the quote: "[pain is] everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe"
- the devices: (rhetorical question & metaphor)
- the meaning: Coral's grief is all-consuming and hopeless
but how are these pieced together? You state that there is a connection (and there totally is!) but if you were to make this explicit, your assertion would be a lot stronger. So, in this case, how do you know her grief is all-consuming and hopeless? How does that quote demonstrate your point?
See this for a possible answer
If we're to focus on the metaphor part of the quote, we've got to try and get from "[pain is] in the air we breathe" to the notion of hopelessness and consumption, so what is it about this language that might lead us to this idea? When, the concept of something being "in the air we breathe" implies that it is not only all around us (=all-consuming, or at least ubiquitous) but that it also infiltrates us and becomes a part of the air. Thus, to breathe (and to live) is to experience pain, because it is so ubiquitous an unavoidable. Now we can reasonably conclude that there is an element of saddness and hopelessness in that quote because of this rationale, so your analysis might look something like:
She describes her pain as being "everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe" whereby Gow's metaphorical description of pain being such an omnipresent and inescapable force serves to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of Coral's grief.
It may seem like a small change, but that one tiny step of 'showing your workings' can be very advantageous in showcasing your knowledge of the text and ability to extract ideas from it.
She describes her pain as being "everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe" whereby Gow's metaphorical description of pain being such an omnipresent and inescapable force serves to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of Coral's grief.
It may seem like a small change, but that one tiny step of 'showing your workings' can be very advantageous in showcasing your knowledge of the text and ability to extract ideas from it.
Beyond that, some greater variation in sentence structure and vocabulary would also help you bolster your piece, especially when it comes to the conclusion. You always want to end with impact, as this is where the mark is decided, so to restate your points and only use sentences that have basically already been used earlier is to tell the assessor you don't have anything better to say, meaning that if they're hovering between a 7/10 and an 8/10, a mediocre conclusion might be what tips the balance to a 7 rather than an 8.
Also, and this might be a matter of some contention depending on your teacher, but I'd say it'd be great to have a paragraph (or multiple paragraphs, ideally) that talk about both of your texts instead of switching between them both. If you are to forge connections between the two, you should really talk about them together. See some of the previous corrections for advice on potential essay structures.
But you're already in the enviable position of basically having all the content right, and just needing to fine tune your presentation of it. So, the stuff you should aim to work on:
1) Have your ideas and sub-arguments build on one another. This is often best practised through essay plans as opposed to full essays, so maybe draw up some rough outlines and give yourself some idea of how things will link together to help develop your thesis statement.
2) Ensure that you're connecting your examples to your ideas as directly as you can, with the emphasis on explaining how certain evidence demonstrates your point.
3) Vary your sentence structures, and try to avoid taking your body paragraph topic sentences and just listing or rewording them in the intro, B.P. concluding sentences, and conclusion.
Very good effort overall :)
Feedback for MemeKing
Rediscovery -Rediscovering Hurley’s Artworks in order gain a more appreciative and heightened meaning.Very interesting discussion with some really complex ideas at play here, but you need to be careful not to let good words get in the way of great ideas, so to speak. There were times where your arguments were a little unclear of confusing, and your vocabulary is kind of exacerbating that issue rather than masking it.
Nasht’s cinema verite of Hurley traces the mutability of his artworks to persuade an audience to reassess and appreciate the historical truth of his manipulations word check - the other vocab in this sentence is great, but calling his artworks 'manipulations' sounds a bit odd. 'Oeuvre' is always nice if you don't mind sounding like a pretentious Frenchman :P Nasht configures Hurley in ‘Frank Hurley’ to serve as a consistent reminder to the audience of his transience through the initial montage of Hurley’s imagesin accompany withaccompanied by dramatic noble word check; music can't really be 'noble' music. This attempts to it sounds a bit odd to say this when the focus of the last sentence is the montage and dramatic music. I know it seems like a minor quibble, but music can't 'attempt to' do something; you want to make the author/director your focus here using a phrase like 'This forms part of Nasht's attempts to...' or 'To this end, Nasht seeks to...' immortalize the otherwise ephemeral significance of Hurley’s artworks in order to convey to an audience a sense of Hurley’s “remarkable photography”and to view Hurley in a different perspective.This sentence is getting a bit long; don't overuse the 'and...' structure as it makes it seem like you're writing run-on sentences. In an attempt to prevent the decay of Hurley’s legacy, Nasht attempts to justify Hurley’s otherwise immoral representation of reality in a purist society by employing a series of quadtiptyches quadtiptyches of what, exactly? You need more information about your evidence here. This is cultivated in order to contest the inevitable subjectivity of the historical truth How do you know? In what way does the evidence you just mentioned contribute to this idea? I'm not seeing a connection, and your priority should be to make that link between examples and ideas really clear behind Hurley’s images and presents an arbitrary word check; 'arbitrary' means unimportant or random, as in, 'my school has some arbitrary rules about uniform, like the fact that ties have to be exactly 33.7cm long' :P I'm not sure what you're intending in this case audience the rationale behind Hurley’s manipulations. Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth. Nice sentence, but it doesn't really gel with what you're saying here. The previous sentence was about Hurley's intentions, and now you're talking about 'postmodern pluralist disposition' without clarifying what that means or how it's conveyed in his work. Basically, it's not enough to say 'the author does X which is indicative of Y' - you have to explain how you got from one point to the next, and if I were an assessor, I couldn't give you credit for this sentence because you hadn't substantiated your point with such an explanation. This is displayed further through Nasht’s portrayal of the cyclical nature of the auction house in accompany with “The Polar Sale” that ultimately commemorates the appreciation and value of Hurley’s artwork once a societies’ rationale transcends pre-existing paradigms. This is better, there's a bit more 'spelling out' here; try to do this with your evidence more often. Ultimately in ‘Frank Hurley’, Nasht conveys to an audience that through discovering a more justified approach to questioning historical truth was this what your paragraph had been building towards? Your evidence doesn't seem to be supporting this idea; what is the 'historical truth' being questioned and how is Nasht questioning it? can a more appreciative stance on historical truth be gained.
Self-Discovery – Discovering Hurley’s inability to sustain his ‘showman’ facade and thus attempts to perpetuate the creation of himself as a myth
Upon reassessing one’s inability to sustain one’s desired facade, man attempts to perpetuate their own fallacy in an attempt to succour their desired self-image. Hurley’s incapability to support the perpetuation of his legacy is highlighted through Nasht’s depiction of Hurley’s life as a personified “story” embellishing “many stories” but his “own” I haven't seen the film but I'm assuming you either mean a) that the story embellishes other stories, but does not embellish his own, or b) that the story embellishes other stories, but is still, nevertheless, his own story (-this second one seems more likely, but I'm not sure). This suggests that Hurley tried consistently to portray himself as his own myth, however, could not sustain his depiction and ultimately resorted to associating word check; 'obfuscating' might work here, depending on what you're trying to say himself with other stories. However, in “Frank Hurley”, Nasht engages in demonstrating to an audience this is a fairly clunky phrase, and it feels like you're taking six words to say what could easily be summarised in one, good, punchy verb like 'celebrates' 'critiques' 'vilifies' 'extols' etc. Hurley’s self-discovery that ultimately provokes him to undergo inherent transformation that eventually leads to the creation of a myth that perpetuates Hurley’s decide self-image this sentence is getting a bit run-on-ish as well; as soon as you're using the same structure or conjunction multiple times in a row (eg. 'and... and...' or 'that... that...') it becomes a little laboured, so watch out for that. <Linking word here would be good>Nasht’s attempts to symbolise Hurley’s desired legacyisshould be 'are' because we're talking about plural 'attempts' demonstrated through constant mythological symbolisms to “the hero’s journey”. expression is a bit clunky, perhaps 'the mythological symbolism of "the hero's journey".' Nasht engages in this narration what narration? Evidence? in order to portray Hurley’s inherent desire to perpetuate himself to a purist audience of his own mythological fallacy. His inability to perpetuate repetition his desired facade renders him “exhausted by the struggle”, however, Hurley’s ambition towards self-fulfilment is highlighted through Nasht’s placement of the final voiceover of Hurley’s diaries stating, “If I could live my life again, I’d do it all exactly the same”. This final voiceover in conjunction with images of Hurley with a camera is ultimately placed by Nasht in order to immortalize Hurley’s fallacy as a “grand illusionist”. Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates Hurley’s ability to reassess him who? and undergo a process that effectively allows Hurley to sustain and perpetuate his desired self-image. Good use of evidence, and nice para conclusion here :)
In English, vocab is like an amplifier. If you're doing things well (like by spelling out your evidence and building up relevant ideas) then your vocabulary will usually magnify that good stuff and make it even better. But if there are problems with your understanding with the text (which doesn't seem to be an issue for you) or with the clarity of your ideas (- more pertinent, in this case -) then repetitious sentence structures or out-of-place words can draw attention to those concerns.
As such, I'd recommend prioritising clarity, even if it's at the expense of sophistication. It doesn't seem like you'll have any problem transforming your ideas into complex, well-worded sentences once you've sorted them out, but it's that sorting out that needs to happen first! Otherwise, it's like you're adding icing and cake decorations to a cake that hasn't been baked yet :P
I'm also a little bit confused as to the structure of your 'essay.' Maybe it's because I'm just a humble VCE-er and I don't know how your school operates, but unless this was a kind of short answer response, it seems very odd that you wouldn't be required to have a formal introduction and conclusion with three to five body paragraphs, as I know that's what the end-of-year standard tends to be. Perhaps this was a different exercise, but if you were asked to write an essay and you instead wrote two somewhat disconnected paragraphs that conveyed your ideas, that might've contributed to you're not doing too well in the last assessment.
Having said that, the structure of those paragraphs was really good; you've got the abstract unpacking of your ideas at the start, and the zoomed out summative sentences at the end, which gives things a nice, compact, and most importantly precise focus. The only thing that needs work in that regard is your linking between evidence and ideas. I've written about this quite a bit in previous essay comments, so perhaps go back and read those if you need further clarification, but in short, you need to explain how the evidence you're using supports your points. Sometimes you can get away with not doing this (i.e. not every sentence of your body paragraph has to be an incredibly detailed, lengthy discussion of why X demonstrates Y,) but it is a surefire way to impress the assessor and boost you into higher territory.
I'd also say you'd need more evidence in order to make your ideas that much stronger. Your use of quotes and metalanguage were solid, but you just need to do it more often. Both paragraphs here had one moment towards the end of really excellent analysis, and you want to be replicating that kind of quality three or four times per paragraph.
Things to work on:
1) Ensure you can explore the connections between evidence and argument as clearly as possible, and that your expression doesn't get in the way of this.
2) Keep experimenting with vocab and using new words, as this is the only way to truly acquire a better vocabulary, but look up definitions and synonyms if you're unsure, as you have the opportunity to use such resources now even though you won't in assessment tasks. I know I've isolated a couple of word checks, but honestly, I'd rather you made a hundred mistakes now and learned from each of them than made none at all and never developed your arsenal, so keep that up because your vocabulary is clearly well-developed and will be a huge strength this year if you can iron out the little things.
3) Make sure you have a substantial basis of evidence for making your claims. This goes both for the small level sentence-by-sentence assertions in that if you don't back up 90% of what you say, it's very hard to attain marks, but also on the broader paragraph-by-paragraph level in that you need breadth as well as depth. Some students like to aim for an arbitrary number of quotes per paragraph (which can work well, but also might get in the way of good analysis, so its up to you) but 'd recommend at least forcing yourself to impose a window of, say, between 8-14 quotes that you have to use, even if some are only quick, one word ones. It'll depend on the length of your paragraphs, but it will give you a clear goal to work towards, as well as some idea of whether you're over/underestimating the amount of proof you have.
Hope that helps; all the best with it!
Feedback for lauren7366
Stories of our past help us discover who we are in the present.Awesome structure, and some decent analysis to back it up, but I'm a little concerned about the relevance of this to the prompt. More specifically, I can see the relevance, but if I'm the assessor, I shouldn't be the one having to think 'how does this relate to the idea of past stories resulting in discoveries about present identities?' -- YOU'VE got to make those connections really explicit, and the less thinking your assessors have to do, the better.
To what extent does this confirm your understanding that discoveries can be reassessed over time?
Discoveries can be a process of reassessment, which are catalyzed due to change of circumstance and reflectionofon one's (apostrophe for possession) past mistakes. As a result of these confronting and provocative discoveries, enlightenment is reached in the reformation of our morals, encouraging humanist values such as forgiveness and love. V. good opening. William Shakespeare’s pastoral comedy, “The Tempest” written in 1610, and the film, “The count of Monte Cristo,” directed by Kevin Reynolds, both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful. I get the underlying idea here, but the sentence structure is a tad muddled; I'll dissect this in the end comments. This realization comes through reflection of the past in order to progress in future endeavors. Final sentence feels a little short and stilted, and it seems like there are some other facets to your argument that could be fleshed out here to add to this, but an otherwise good intro :)
The Tempest follows the reformation of an individual's (apostrophe) absolute control and power, which are transformed into benevolent traits such as internal judgment and empathetic characteristics that would thrive within utopian governance. This is achieved by self acceptance of past faults providing a renewed perception of compassion and forgiveness; notions that are the fundamentals of humanism. When remarking to Miranda the “foul play”, that they were “heaved thence,” Prospero highlights the corrupt society in which he ruled, where he himself “neglect[ed] worldly ends, all dedicated to the closeness and the bettering of [his] mind,” but also the world in which he was betrayed by “ a brother […] so perfidious.” Quote integration is perfect, but be careful not to bombard your reader with too much evidence at once. In the next sentence you state that Shakespeare utilises this but it took me a second read-through to work out what 'this' was because of just how much you'd mentioned here. It might be better to scatter your evidence across a few sentences so you can analyse things independently, then combine them for the big 'Therefore Shakespeare implies...' moment at the end. Shakespeare utilizes this as a microcosm for the power lust that humanity exemplifies in positions of authority; knowledge prized over our collective morality and familiar bonds. The 1600’s imperialistic context of control and influence over the majority, no comma needed here is prevalent within Prospero’s need to manipulate native Caliban and Ariel’s servitude for personalized advantage. V. good. This is showcased using the disruption of natural order, the tempest itself, symbolizing the brazen attitude that Prospero subjects’ no apostrophe needed here others to; shouldn't be a semicolon here either. A comma would suffice, though even that's optional as a result of his ultimate thirst for revenge that dominates all cognitive deliberation. <Linking word? (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Consequently...')>Audiences grapple with Prospero’s shortcomings to understand that life manipulates the circumstances that we oversee, however it is how we confront these circumstances that determines our future success. Good point, and I absolutely love that you're taking this a step further with your 'however...' statement. However (:P) you need to ensure that your final statement is still supported by the content of your paragraph. Here, you've justified the notion of life manipulating circumstances, but you haven't really tacked the idea of confronting said circumstances. Just be careful with these assertions, as some teachers will still give you credit for this whereas others will see it as moving too far beyond the scope of your previous discussion.
Individuals in powerful positions often have to experience unprompted failure in order to reassess corrupt core values and furthermore access personalized freedom and amend flawed leadership qualities. It is through Prospero’s relationship with spirit Ariel, that access to worldly insight is obtained; shouldn't be a semicolon here - see end comments re: punctuation from self absorption into acceptance of the altruistic experiences in life, taking from this a renewed optimism for the future. Prospero’s individual values of hatred hatred of what, exactly? There's an opportunity for more description here, or perhaps even evidence are challenged by Ariel’s perspective of tenderness and wisdom in the face of choice, “that if you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” This is then furthered by the acknowledgment of the humanistic characteristics that Prospero should adhere toby reasonbecause of his biological makeup, “mine would sir, if I were human.” this quote isn't integrated as well as all your others. From this, audiences are reminded of the humanity we are answerable word check. This doesn't really fit here to exhibit in order to thrive as a society, however Prospero also learns that his corruption is what erodes humanism's core belief; if we cannot have faith in the people, a strong fundament(???) of politics cannot be developed. We also see this realised in alliteration, “rarer act is in virtue than in vengeance”, symbolising the discovery of human connection and that kindness prevails over the corrupt quest of power. Yes, but how does that alliterative language symbolise that notion of discovery? Remember to spell out your evidence. Also, the ends of your paragraphs should be for zooming out, which you have done in the second half of this sentence, but bringing up new evidence here is a little risky, so try and cover that earlier to grant yourself time enough to talk about big ideas here.
Prospero’s epiphany similarly coincides with Edmond Dante’s experience whereby his integral belief in vengeance is challenged by Abbe Farria (priest) put this information into your sentence grammatically; don't just stick it in brackets and the revelation of a biological son, leading to a rewarding sense of love and peace from one’s if you're talking about specific characters, then you don't have to use the generalisable 'one'. That's just for the broader statements about discovery as a whole inner demons. Chief prosecutor Ville fort; no semicolon one who originally deceives Edmond into expression - you can't 'deceive someone into something' imprisonment, foreshadows the enlightenment that Edmond is to experience at the end of the film, “perhaps some good will come out of this treasonous affair” this isn't integrated. Audiences rather than making 'Audiences' the focus of your sentence, use 'The author + verbs' (see examples here if needed) understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool, see end comments providing the wisdom to forgive even in the face of ultimate choice. The unpredictable discovery of his biological son, through exclamatory language accompanied by directed close up, “Albert, you are the son of Edmond Dantes. The man you know as the Count of Monte Cristo,” allows Edmond to reassess the importance of a personal vendetta when presented with opportunity to rebuild love ; a founding characteristic that is vital in order to further one’s humanism.
Okay, this para conclusion is quite close to the prompt, but the linking could be clearer. See below for fuller explanation of this.
Across your whole body paragraphs, you don't use the words 'past' or 'present' more than once, and they really need to be the central pivots of your discussion in this case.That's not to say you have to overuse the words to the point of repetition, but they should be employed fairly regularly to ensure that the assessors know what links you're trying to make.
Aside from that, the bulk of your discussion was pretty good. You could use a little bit more fluidity between your ideas in order to connect them, but the way you build your argument is on point - you just need to direct it in the right way by ensuring the links to the prompt are really overt.
There were also a few sentence structure issues like with:
"[The two texts] both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful."
or
"Audiences understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool."
These problems seem to arise when you're using the passive construction, which is where instead of saying 'He discovers X to be Y' you say something like 'X is discovered by him to be Y.' It's perfectly valid, but can, in some contexts, sound a little clunky, especially if overused. I won't go into dissecting these sentences in too much detail, but suffice it to say that you're using passive constructions as well other complex grammatical features that are adding too many layers to your sentence to the point where it's obfuscating clarity. Take the second example - I could easily transform this into: 'Thus the author suggests that his understanding of knowledge to be an intrinsically valuable tool is an important enlightenment...' and it's much more direct.
So from here on in:
1) Keep up the great work with spelling out your evidence, but try and distribute this evidence roughly evenly across your body paragraphs, ensuring that you integrate the quotes when you do. Think of it like jam on toast. Technically, if you just lump a spoonful of jam on the corner of the bread, you've gotten the right amount of jam, but if you don't spread and dispense it properly, you're in for an unsatisfying breakfast experience.
2) RELEVANCE RELEVANCE RELEVANCE! I can see that you know how your ideas connect to the prompt, but I can't give you credit for what I'm straining to see, so bring those links to the surface and reinforce them in your topic sentences and paragraph conclusions.
3) Work on finding some complex connections between your two texts; I know you noted that you hadn't discussed your related text in too much detail just yet, but it really is essential later down the track. For now, don't worry about doing this in an essay format and just work with the ideas themselves. Maybe collate a bunch of points for each, assign them all numbers or colours, and just create a visual display of how they might relate together. There'll likely be some points that don't have direct parallels or contrasts in the other text, but that's fine too. Not every point will have to be compared, though you will need a substantial amount, and it'll help you feel much more prepared for future assessment.
4) Watch out for your sentence structures, and stop yourself occasionally to ask 'is there a better, simpler way I could put this?' If in doubt, simplify, and just prioritise getting your point across clearly and unambiguously.
5) Careful with punctuation! It's a tiny thing, and some of these might just have been typos, but it irks assessors, and it's usually a very easy fix. In my experience, students can go from not knowing what a semicolon even looks like, to using them confidently in under an hour. Just look up some explanations and sample sentences online, and you should be fine with it :)
Feedback for foodmood16
'Discoveries can be transformative and/or far-reaching for an individual'I think there are some inconsistencies with your approach in this piece, because there were sections where your analysis was highly accurate and impressive, but others where you seemed to veer off course and talk about the manipulation of authors, particularly in your paragraphs dealing with 'Go Back.' Perhaps it was just a one-time issue that came about because of the breadth of the prompt, but you need to ensure your sub-arguments are always on track.
The emotional, intellectual and physical discoveries can act as the foundations for an individual what do you mean by this? Foundations for what? Their identity? Their lives? Their sense of self? I know the prompt is quite broad, but your answer should be specific! and can have a transformative effect on their awareness of human experiences and the wider world. The discoveries can be carefully planned, so much that the composer word check - 'composer' is usually used to refer to authors of musical pieces, and even then only really for classical pieces (e.g. Mozart) can place an individual in unauthentic ??? situations, even without their knowledge. In the 2011 documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants are taken on the migrant journey in reverse and the experiences of Adam Hartup and Darren Hassan show many emotional ramifications that are impacted by their awareness of the influence of the media on this political issue. The producers have seemingly composed many of the experiences to exaggerate the extent of their discoveries, this feels a bit like you're evaluating the show, saying that they exaggerated things or made them up in order to get their point across, and this isn't really your job in this piece. Try to reserve judgement and just comment on the meaning being created making the responders question the far-reaching impact of the emotional responses of the participants. Similarly, in the 1963 poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ by Seamus Heaney explores the transformative careful with sentence structure - read this again and you'll likely see the issue ('in the poem by the author explores...') discoveries of his own childhood, having lost an infant in a traumatic accident. He focuses on how this impacted the people around the protagonist, as well as the reader.He uses carefully planned literary techniques in order to provoke an emotional response from the reader.Of course he does! That's what poets do. Sentences like these, accurate though they may be, are often not given much credence because they're too generic. It'd be like saying 'The author of this novel has explored a vast array of complex and multifaceted ideas through the use of complex literary devices and structural features.' Sounds nice, but I've said nothing in that sentence other than 'there are things in this novel that are explored in a novel-y way' :P Both texts explore how discoveries can be influenced by the composer by making the audience As much as I like that you're focusing on both the characters and the audience, you seem to be dodging the prompt a little bit. Your task is not to comment on how the texts might manipulate the audience to help them discover things, but instead to examine how the authors/creators present the idea of discoveries being transformative for those in the texts (i.e. the people on 'Go Back' and the speakers/personas in the poetry.) and protagonist aware or unaware of these influences. This seems like an odd, slightly fence-sitting statement - the author either makes them aware or unaware - is there not something more definitive you could say other than 'it's either one or the other?'
The foundations of transformative discoveries can be affected by the authorial presence and careful planning of a reality TV series, and ultimately the participants are unaware of this presence You're zooming into the text too quickly here. Try and make a broader statement about discovery and your sub-argument first, and then bring up the idea of authority, reality tv, and the show itself. It's like if you said 'The nature of complicated discoveries is often caused by Adam when he says "..." ' - you can't go from a zoomed-out comment on something abstract all the way into the text too soon, or it's jarring for your reader. During Episode 2 of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants take part in a police raid on a construction site. On the ride to the site, Adam comments, “if it’s the Chins haven't seen this particular episode, but what does this mean? Why is this quote significant? I’ll lose my shit… I won’t be able to handle it.” The non-diegetic musicbuilds into a suspenseful toneadds to the suspense and the camera shows Adam in a close-up shot. This shows Adam’s unawareness of how his reaction to this confronting event can be manipulated by the producers. How does it show this?? The emphatic language what language? Are you talking about the quote from three sentences ago? What language in particular was emphatic? And what was it emphasising? shows the growing attachment and understanding Adam has developed through the emotional discoveries. Throughout the raid, Adam doesn’t say much, but his body language expresses his confusion and confrontation Firstly, how does his body language show this? What does 'expressing confusion' look like in this context? BE SPECIFIC! Secondly, if you reverse the order of these two words, you'll see that confrontation doesn't really belolng here: 'his body language expresses his confrontation and confusion' - see how 'his confrontation' sounds a little odd?, unaware of how to act in retaliation to the site of arrested refugees. As new discoveries are made, it becomes clear to the participants and audience how an authorial presence can shape material into their preferred ideal. So are you arguing that Adam wasn't actually discovering anything and that the show's creators were just 'shaping the material?' I'm a bit confused as to what you're trying to argue here - you start by saying 'As discoveries are made...' but what discovery are you talking about? That should be your focus here, not the notion of 'authorial presence.'
For the reader, transformative discoveries and their foundations are affected by the author of a text through their careful use of literary techniques,withwhich allows the reader to emotionally respond to the text you're still zooming in a bit too quickly here. Focus on discovery and the prompt for at least a sentence before you do this. In the poem, ‘Mid-Term Break’, many techniques are used to convey the story of the death of an infant, although the reader doesn’t discover this until the end of the journey. The title itself “Mid-Term Break”” leads the responder to think the poem is about a happy event of the end of the school year, making them unaware of the poignant and traumatic story that lay ahead. It is the end of the first stanza that the reader suspects that something unusual is about to occur, though still oblivious to the traumatic event. “At two o’clock our neighbours drove me home.” This unusual event of the neighbours taking the protagonist home allows the reader to prepare themselves for the death of the four-year-old boy this is a bit of a leap :/ The step-by-step logic of your discussion is excellent, but this one is quite a stretch - the neighbours drive a kid home, which prepares readers for the death of a 4 year old?, building the morbid mood. They are still unaware of the emotional consequences of the death. You're resting this whole paragraph on one point, which is quite risky. What about all those 'many techniques' you talked about earlier? You could use a bit more evidence in this paragraph. Far-reaching discoveries can be impacted by the author’s manipulation of words examples? to lead to greater the impact of the responder’s emotional and what emotions would these be, exactly? What kind of response is being evoked? And most importantly, how is this transformative and/or far-reaching? response.
As new understandings and perceptions develop from discoveries, it becomes clear how constructed the media is in order to portray a particular side of a story. The producers of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ have aimed to emphasise their pro-humanitarian motivation to provoke an empathetic response by the audience again, I feel like you should be focusing on the nature of the people in the show's discoveries about the world and the suffering of refugees, rather than subtly criticising the show and saying that they're manipulating the facts for their own agenda or anything like that. At the end of Episode 1, the participants are placed on refugee boat, and are forced to travel into the open sea without knowledge of their destination. After experiencing this unauthentic how is it 'unauthentic?' Surely this is one of the most realistic moments since when refugees seek asylum, the process of travelling is often risky and uncertain, especially if they're paying some dodgy people smuggler - they have no way of knowing for sure where they'll end up either situation, the live camera captures Darren, the most opposed to boat people, express his concerns that the media is “…emotionally involving us without our consent.” The collective terms used in his language shows that he is talking not only about himself, but the Australian public. Darren’s body language and tone describe these in more detail - what is it about these things that betray his agitation also shows his agitation by the experience, and shows his awareness of how the program has constructed these ‘transformative’ experiences in order to provoke an emotional response by the participants. He also explains that the media wants “you should feel bad, you should feel empathy.” Darren is placed in a mid-shot, and uses high modality language why is this important? How does it highlight antything? to highlight his feeling of manipulation by the media. The awareness of constructed discoveries that an individual may undertake can therefore influence their shift in perceptions, or even affirm their previous understandings. Good, but you need to focus more on Darren. What happens to him throughout the show, for instance? Does he change his mind, or is he completely cynical about the emotional manipulation that he thinks is taking place? Do his perceptions shift at all?
The new understandings and renewed perceptions that derive from the foundations of discoveries are impacted by the author’s choice of form and stylistic elements of their writing. In the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’, Heaney explores the parents' apostrophe after the s if it's plural and possessive reactions to the death of the infant, before the protagonist’s is discovered. In stanza 2, the father’s reaction is distinguished word check. “… I met my father crying…always taken funerals in his stride…” This quote isn't integrated at all; try and fit this into one of your sentences. In the 1950’s, the thought of a man crying was against the society’s stereotypical man, and the use of this emphasises the lasting impact of the death of a loved one, especially an infant. The mother’s reaction to this terrible news is expressed in stanza 5. “…coughed out angry tearless sighs.” see above The silence of “tearless sighs” accentuates the idea of the reverence of death. At this stage, it is still unclear to the audience of who is dead, though the characters portrayed have already discovered this.<-- I'm not seeing the link between that previous statement and this one --> The awareness of the characters show how discoveries build to the transformative foundations of the audience and their new understandings. What discovery? What transformation? What foundations? What new understanding?
In conclusion, both the SBS documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ and the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ explore how the audience and participants are aware or unaware of how the composer influences the discoveries they make. This conclusion is a bit of a weak spot as you're just restating a line from your introduction without much development. You could do a lot more here in terms of linking this to the prompt and saying something about the nature of discovery overall, which should ultimately be your focus here.
If you're talking about discoveries being transformative and far-reaching, then that's the concept you should be exploring in the text. Don't think about how the author might be 'faking' these ideas, or whether the audience are the ones making the discoveries - you have to analyse what the author does and explain how textual evidence supports those points.
In other words 'what does this show tell us about discovery?' Or, more applicably for this essay 'How does 'Go Back' + Heaney's poem show us that discovery can be transformative and far-reaching?' THAT'S the question that needs answering here.
Which leads me on to my next point - you don't really ever explain what 'transformative' means, and you hardly touch on the whole 'far-reaching' thing at all. Those key words in the prompt should be the crux of your piece, and you need to prioritise these.
Your essay structure was pretty good, though the starts and ends of your paragraphs could use a bit of tightening up. Your topic sentences were a little bit too specific to the texts, and I think you'd benefit from a more abstract point to start off with before then linking this idea to whichever text you wanted to look at. Also, (and again, there's more advice on this in previous feedback posts) there isn't much of a link between your two texts because you're only ever looking at them in isolation. Thus, instead of going for one alternative paragraphs on each, you could instead try:
Paragraph 1: 75% focus on 'Go Back' + 25% on a related idea in Heaney.
Paragraph 2: 50% on 'Go Back' + 50% on a related idea in Heaney
Paragraph 3: 75% on Heaney + 25% on a related idea in 'Go Back'
or something like that. Basically, find a concept like 'discovering new things can transform us for the better,' and link that to one of the texts. For instance, some of the participants in 'Go Back' gained a more enlightened and more informed view of the refugee experience, resulting in a more empathetic stance on related political issues. Then, we can connect this to the second text by either finding a point of similarity or difference. If I wanted to find a point of difference here, then I might say that in Heaney's poem, the parents discover something that will inevitably change their lives, and have overtly negative ramifications on their relationship and their mental state. Thus (getting to the end of the paragraph now) we can conclude that although certain discoveries can be very advantageous for one's psyche, they can also involve a great deal of suffering.
Then you move on to the next idea, finding points of similarity and difference as you go.
In short:
1) Know what the task is asking of you, and keep that in mind while writing. If it helps, write out a series of questions that you need to answer per paragraph so that if you ever do lose focus or forget where you're going, you've got that framework there as a reference point.
2) Forge links between your set texts so that you're able to use both of them in order to say something about discovery. It's kind of like your goal is to paint something purple, and you have a tine of blue paint and a tin of red paint. At the moment, you've painted half the thing blue and half the thing red... so your approach is theoretically good and you're using the right materials, but ultimately it's not going to result in the purple that we're after. Only by combining your ideas through comparison and contrast can you get that desired effect.
3) Make sure the first and last line of your body paragraphs are just about discovery, not about the texts. This isn't a hard-and-fast rule, and if you read some of the other essays in this thread, you'll likely notice they can disobey this but still do things well. For now though, if you can impose that restriction on yourself, you'll be able to better adjust to the zooming in and out process that's necessary for success.
4) Give yourself enough ammunition throughout your essay so that by the time you get to your conclusion, you're confident enough to shoot your target. If you haven't build up a good range of sub-arguments, it can be very difficult to do all that work in the final few sentences, so each time you conclude a paragraph, take things back to the prompt and question how what you've been discussing pertains to the prompt's focus. Then, answer that question directly and unambiguously so that the assessors will have no choice but to give you marks for relevance.
5) Sentence structure and vocab are mostly good, though there are a few instances where your word choices let you down a bit. As I've said before though, the more risks you take now means the more opportunities you have to correct your mistakes, so keep experimenting with expression in order to further enhance your writing.
Best of luck!
Post by: brenden on January 30, 2016, 02:12:59 pm
Comments below; let me know if you guys have any questions! :)You are literally unbelievable.Feedback for ssarahjReally good stuff here! You seem to have the underlying structure well under control, and the clarity of your expressions was pretty much flawless.
There's some improvement to be made with regards to 'spelling out' your evidence and ensuring the assessors can get from A (your quotes and textual examples) to B (your overall ideas).
Taking this excerpt from your first paragraph:
"She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief."
and breaking this down into its essential bits, we have:
- the quote: "[pain is] everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe"
- the devices: (rhetorical question & metaphor)
- the meaning: Coral's grief is all-consuming and hopeless
but how are these pieced together? You state that there is a connection (and there totally is!) but if you were to make this explicit, your assertion would be a lot stronger. So, in this case, how do you know her grief is all-consuming and hopeless? How does that quote demonstrate your point?Also, and I believe I may have mentioned this in a previous bit of essay feedback but just in case: you want your paragraphs to build on one another. If I were to change the order around and read your 3rd para first and your second one last or w/e, it should seem weird! You don't want your essay to be an assortment of random mini-discussions that go off on their different tangents without linking together; instead, you want it to be like a pyramid with each brick aiding you in reaching that high point of your thesis statement in response to the prompt. You still have to have separate paragraphs, of course, but you should see them as a series of stepping stones to get you to an overall point, rather than being like... I don't know... flower petals that just stem out from the centre but don't combine help you get anywhere with your arguments.See this for a possible answerIf we're to focus on the metaphor part of the quote, we've got to try and get from "[pain is] in the air we breathe" to the notion of hopelessness and consumption, so what is it about this language that might lead us to this idea? When, the concept of something being "in the air we breathe" implies that it is not only all around us (=all-consuming, or at least ubiquitous) but that it also infiltrates us and becomes a part of the air. Thus, to breathe (and to live) is to experience pain, because it is so ubiquitous an unavoidable. Now we can reasonably conclude that there is an element of saddness and hopelessness in that quote because of this rationale, so your analysis might look something like:
She describes her pain as being "everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe" whereby Gow's metaphorical description of pain being such an omnipresent and inescapable force serves to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of Coral's grief.
It may seem like a small change, but that one tiny step of 'showing your workings' can be very advantageous in showcasing your knowledge of the text and ability to extract ideas from it.
Beyond that, some greater variation in sentence structure and vocabulary would also help you bolster your piece, especially when it comes to the conclusion. You always want to end with impact, as this is where the mark is decided, so to restate your points and only use sentences that have basically already been used earlier is to tell the assessor you don't have anything better to say, meaning that if they're hovering between a 7/10 and an 8/10, a mediocre conclusion might be what tips the balance to a 7 rather than an 8.
Also, and this might be a matter of some contention depending on your teacher, but I'd say it'd be great to have a paragraph (or multiple paragraphs, ideally) that talk about both of your texts instead of switching between them both. If you are to forge connections between the two, you should really talk about them together. See some of the previous corrections for advice on potential essay structures.
But you're already in the enviable position of basically having all the content right, and just needing to fine tune your presentation of it. So, the stuff you should aim to work on:
1) Have your ideas and sub-arguments build on one another. This is often best practised through essay plans as opposed to full essays, so maybe draw up some rough outlines and give yourself some idea of how things will link together to help develop your thesis statement.
2) Ensure that you're connecting your examples to your ideas as directly as you can, with the emphasis on explaining how certain evidence demonstrates your point.
3) Vary your sentence structures, and try to avoid taking your body paragraph topic sentences and just listing or rewording them in the intro, B.P. concluding sentences, and conclusion.
Very good effort overall :)Feedback for MemeKingVery interesting discussion with some really complex ideas at play here, but you need to be careful not to let good words get in the way of great ideas, so to speak. There were times where your arguments were a little unclear of confusing, and your vocabulary is kind of exacerbating that issue rather than masking it.
In English, vocab is like an amplifier. If you're doing things well (like by spelling out your evidence and building up relevant ideas) then your vocabulary will usually magnify that good stuff and make it even better. But if there are problems with your understanding with the text (which doesn't seem to be an issue for you) or with the clarity of your ideas (- more pertinent, in this case -) then repetitious sentence structures or out-of-place words can draw attention to those concerns.
As such, I'd recommend prioritising clarity, even if it's at the expense of sophistication. It doesn't seem like you'll have any problem transforming your ideas into complex, well-worded sentences once you've sorted them out, but it's that sorting out that needs to happen first! Otherwise, it's like you're adding icing and cake decorations to a cake that hasn't been baked yet :P
I'm also a little bit confused as to the structure of your 'essay.' Maybe it's because I'm just a humble VCE-er and I don't know how your school operates, but unless this was a kind of short answer response, it seems very odd that you wouldn't be required to have a formal introduction and conclusion with three to five body paragraphs, as I know that's what the end-of-year standard tends to be. Perhaps this was a different exercise, but if you were asked to write an essay and you instead wrote two somewhat disconnected paragraphs that conveyed your ideas, that might've contributed to you're not doing too well in the last assessment.
Having said that, the structure of those paragraphs was really good; you've got the abstract unpacking of your ideas at the start, and the zoomed out summative sentences at the end, which gives things a nice, compact, and most importantly precise focus. The only thing that needs work in that regard is your linking between evidence and ideas. I've written about this quite a bit in previous essay comments, so perhaps go back and read those if you need further clarification, but in short, you need to explain how the evidence you're using supports your points. Sometimes you can get away with not doing this (i.e. not every sentence of your body paragraph has to be an incredibly detailed, lengthy discussion of why X demonstrates Y,) but it is a surefire way to impress the assessor and boost you into higher territory.
I'd also say you'd need more evidence in order to make your ideas that much stronger. Your use of quotes and metalanguage were solid, but you just need to do it more often. Both paragraphs here had one moment towards the end of really excellent analysis, and you want to be replicating that kind of quality three or four times per paragraph.
Things to work on:
1) Ensure you can explore the connections between evidence and argument as clearly as possible, and that your expression doesn't get in the way of this.
2) Keep experimenting with vocab and using new words, as this is the only way to truly acquire a better vocabulary, but look up definitions and synonyms if you're unsure, as you have the opportunity to use such resources now even though you won't in assessment tasks. I know I've isolated a couple of word checks, but honestly, I'd rather you made a hundred mistakes now and learned from each of them than made none at all and never developed your arsenal, so keep that up because your vocabulary is clearly well-developed and will be a huge strength this year if you can iron out the little things.
3) Make sure you have a substantial basis of evidence for making your claims. This goes both for the small level sentence-by-sentence assertions in that if you don't back up 90% of what you say, it's very hard to attain marks, but also on the broader paragraph-by-paragraph level in that you need breadth as well as depth. Some students like to aim for an arbitrary number of quotes per paragraph (which can work well, but also might get in the way of good analysis, so its up to you) but 'd recommend at least forcing yourself to impose a window of, say, between 8-14 quotes that you have to use, even if some are only quick, one word ones. It'll depend on the length of your paragraphs, but it will give you a clear goal to work towards, as well as some idea of whether you're over/underestimating the amount of proof you have.
Hope that helps; all the best with it!Feedback for lauren7366Awesome structure, and some decent analysis to back it up, but I'm a little concerned about the relevance of this to the prompt. More specifically, I can see the relevance, but if I'm the assessor, I shouldn't be the one having to think 'how does this relate to the idea of past stories resulting in discoveries about present identities?' -- YOU'VE got to make those connections really explicit, and the less thinking your assessors have to do, the better.
Across your whole body paragraphs, you don't use the words 'past' or 'present' more than once, and they really need to be the central pivots of your discussion in this case.That's not to say you have to overuse the words to the point of repetition, but they should be employed fairly regularly to ensure that the assessors know what links you're trying to make.
Aside from that, the bulk of your discussion was pretty good. You could use a little bit more fluidity between your ideas in order to connect them, but the way you build your argument is on point - you just need to direct it in the right way by ensuring the links to the prompt are really overt.
There were also a few sentence structure issues like with:
"[The two texts] both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful."
or
"Audiences understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool."
These problems seem to arise when you're using the passive construction, which is where instead of saying 'He discovers X to be Y' you say something like 'X is discovered by him to be Y.' It's perfectly valid, but can, in some contexts, sound a little clunky, especially if overused. I won't go into dissecting these sentences in too much detail, but suffice it to say that you're using passive constructions as well other complex grammatical features that are adding too many layers to your sentence to the point where it's obfuscating clarity. Take the second example - I could easily transform this into: 'Thus the author suggests that his understanding of knowledge to be an intrinsically valuable tool is an important enlightenment...' and it's much more direct.
So from here on in:
1) Keep up the great work with spelling out your evidence, but try and distribute this evidence roughly evenly across your body paragraphs, ensuring that you integrate the quotes when you do. Think of it like jam on toast. Technically, if you just lump a spoonful of jam on the corner of the bread, you've gotten the right amount of jam, but if you don't spread and dispense it properly, you're in for an unsatisfying breakfast experience.
2) RELEVANCE RELEVANCE RELEVANCE! I can see that you know how your ideas connect to the prompt, but I can't give you credit for what I'm straining to see, so bring those links to the surface and reinforce them in your topic sentences and paragraph conclusions.
3) Work on finding some complex connections between your two texts; I know you noted that you hadn't discussed your related text in too much detail just yet, but it really is essential later down the track. For now, don't worry about doing this in an essay format and just work with the ideas themselves. Maybe collate a bunch of points for each, assign them all numbers or colours, and just create a visual display of how they might relate together. There'll likely be some points that don't have direct parallels or contrasts in the other text, but that's fine too. Not every point will have to be compared, though you will need a substantial amount, and it'll help you feel much more prepared for future assessment.
4) Watch out for your sentence structures, and stop yourself occasionally to ask 'is there a better, simpler way I could put this?' If in doubt, simplify, and just prioritise getting your point across clearly and unambiguously.
5) Careful with punctuation! It's a tiny thing, and some of these might just have been typos, but it irks assessors, and it's usually a very easy fix. In my experience, students can go from not knowing what a semicolon even looks like, to using them confidently in under an hour. Just look up some explanations and sample sentences online, and you should be fine with it :)Feedback for foodmood16I think there are some inconsistencies with your approach in this piece, because there were sections where your analysis was highly accurate and impressive, but others where you seemed to veer off course and talk about the manipulation of authors, particularly in your paragraphs dealing with 'Go Back.' Perhaps it was just a one-time issue that came about because of the breadth of the prompt, but you need to ensure your sub-arguments are always on track.
If you're talking about discoveries being transformative and far-reaching, then that's the concept you should be exploring in the text. Don't think about how the author might be 'faking' these ideas, or whether the audience are the ones making the discoveries - you have to analyse what the author does and explain how textual evidence supports those points.
In other words 'what does this show tell us about discovery?' Or, more applicably for this essay 'How does 'Go Back' + Heaney's poem show us that discovery can be transformative and far-reaching?' THAT'S the question that needs answering here.
Which leads me on to my next point - you don't really ever explain what 'transformative' means, and you hardly touch on the whole 'far-reaching' thing at all. Those key words in the prompt should be the crux of your piece, and you need to prioritise these.
Your essay structure was pretty good, though the starts and ends of your paragraphs could use a bit of tightening up. Your topic sentences were a little bit too specific to the texts, and I think you'd benefit from a more abstract point to start off with before then linking this idea to whichever text you wanted to look at. Also, (and again, there's more advice on this in previous feedback posts) there isn't much of a link between your two texts because you're only ever looking at them in isolation. Thus, instead of going for one alternative paragraphs on each, you could instead try:
Paragraph 1: 75% focus on 'Go Back' + 25% on a related idea in Heaney.
Paragraph 2: 50% on 'Go Back' + 50% on a related idea in Heaney
Paragraph 3: 75% on Heaney + 25% on a related idea in 'Go Back'
or something like that. Basically, find a concept like 'discovering new things can transform us for the better,' and link that to one of the texts. For instance, some of the participants in 'Go Back' gained a more enlightened and more informed view of the refugee experience, resulting in a more empathetic stance on related political issues. Then, we can connect this to the second text by either finding a point of similarity or difference. If I wanted to find a point of difference here, then I might say that in Heaney's poem, the parents discover something that will inevitably change their lives, and have overtly negative ramifications on their relationship and their mental state. Thus (getting to the end of the paragraph now) we can conclude that although certain discoveries can be very advantageous for one's psyche, they can also involve a great deal of suffering.
Then you move on to the next idea, finding points of similarity and difference as you go.
In short:
1) Know what the task is asking of you, and keep that in mind while writing. If it helps, write out a series of questions that you need to answer per paragraph so that if you ever do lose focus or forget where you're going, you've got that framework there as a reference point.
2) Forge links between your set texts so that you're able to use both of them in order to say something about discovery. It's kind of like your goal is to paint something purple, and you have a tine of blue paint and a tin of red paint. At the moment, you've painted half the thing blue and half the thing red... so your approach is theoretically good and you're using the right materials, but ultimately it's not going to result in the purple that we're after. Only by combining your ideas through comparison and contrast can you get that desired effect.
3) Make sure the first and last line of your body paragraphs are just about discovery, not about the texts. This isn't a hard-and-fast rule, and if you read some of the other essays in this thread, you'll likely notice they can disobey this but still do things well. For now though, if you can impose that restriction on yourself, you'll be able to better adjust to the zooming in and out process that's necessary for success.
4) Give yourself enough ammunition throughout your essay so that by the time you get to your conclusion, you're confident enough to shoot your target. If you haven't build up a good range of sub-arguments, it can be very difficult to do all that work in the final few sentences, so each time you conclude a paragraph, take things back to the prompt and question how what you've been discussing pertains to the prompt's focus. Then, answer that question directly and unambiguously so that the assessors will have no choice but to give you marks for relevance.
5) Sentence structure and vocab are mostly good, though there are a few instances where your word choices let you down a bit. As I've said before though, the more risks you take now means the more opportunities you have to correct your mistakes, so keep experimenting with expression in order to further enhance your writing.
Best of luck!
Post by: MemeKing on January 31, 2016, 06:12:30 pm
Discovering the duplicity of truth in art allows for the appreciation of previously lost value and ultimately rekindles the ability to appreciate art through time. Simon Nasht in Frank Hurley examines that the mutability of art can only appreciated once we discover and accept its dualistic nature. Similarly, Nasht atones to conveying the human condition that provokes the need to preserve oneself through the catalyst of art.
The questioning of truth leads to an appreciation of value once we discover and accept its dualistic nature. Nasht attempts to convince a now pluralist society that by accepting the duplicity of Hurley’s artworks can these “elaborate concoctions” be valued more than “outright fakes”. Nasht initially portrays Hurley as a “conjurer” with a camera and through cinema verite establishes how Hurley “undermined their historical value”. Nasht does this to critic the epoch of Hurley’s work through their inability to see value in the duplicity of his “manipulations”. However, Nasht demonstrates the mutability of Hurley’s work through the juxtaposition between Hurley’s photos and their modern recreations once he turned “the battlefield into a canvas of his own making”. Hurley’s artworks are split-screened by Nasht in order to contrast their similarities in the hopes that their ephemeral existence may be immortalised. The commemoration of Hurley’s artworks in a now pluralist society is now seen through the close-up commentary shot that “today composites would seem commonplace”. Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley now coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth. Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates that only through the questioning truth and accepting its dualistic nature can a more heightened discovery be formed.
The transcendence of art attempts to immortalize the otherwise ephemeral existence of ones legacy upon discovering their limitations. In ‘Frank Hurley’, Hurley discovers he cannot perpetuate himself as a myth as he then attempts to immortalize himself through his work. Hurley “saw a market for exciting adventure films”, and through leaving himself as being a “mere observer,” he attempts to promote himself as a “fearless photographer”. Nasht’s diegetic sound of Hurley holding spears and skulls attempt to portray Hurley’s “glorious” existence that he attempts to preserve through his photographs. Nasht furthermore highlights his ambition as although “New York was unimpressed”, the “showman hit upon a new angle”. Hurley then juxtaposes his earlier work in Papua New Guinea with “the lost tribes of Israel” that “flamed up front page headlines” that ultimately brought attention to Hurley, albeit controversial. Hurley used this fame and his discovery for “his love for drama” to create films that were intended to immortalize his work. Although Hurley “made up quite a few stories”, Nasht ultimately edits the shot of the auction house in order to commemorate Hurley’s transcendence past a “mere photographer”. Ultimately, Nasht portrays Hurley’s attempts towards preserving his legacy through the continual pursuit of his artworks.
Post by: polpark on February 06, 2016, 03:56:28 pm
This is my intro and first body to my A.O.S study essay!!
PLEASE give me lots of criticism since English is one of my weak subjects and I need to improve!!!
THANKS FOR MARKING OUR ESSAYS!!!! :D :D
“Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understanding of ourselves and the world we live in.” Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and one other text of your choice.
Regardless of their motivation, discoveries shape and redefine an individual’s identity, successively shifting their previous perspectives of the world and it’s controversial issues. Ivan O’mahoneys’s Go Back To Where You Came From, Suzzane Buffam’s “The New Experience” and J.K Rowling’s The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination exemplifies the process of attaining awareness of what was once misunderstood or concealed. Through utilising techniques unique to their textual medium, the three texts explore various concepts of discovery, facilitating the close analysis of the results of discoveries evoked from varying catalysts.
Go Back To Where You Came From illustrates the transformation of individuals resulting from tangible experiences instigated through extraneous motives. In the introduction, the utilisation of cross-cutting between archival footage of a refugee boat crashing into the shore and the interview of politicians stating “we must stop the boats,” engender sympathy towards the refugees and thereby evokes antagonism toward the hostility of the politicians. The biased editing indicates that the catalyst of the refugee process the six participants embark on was the producers’ external motives to persuade the public’s opinion on the refugee issue. As the six participants proceed through their journey, the development of their physical discovery is portrayed through the scene in which Adam, Glenny and Darren travel through the red-zone. The U.S soldiers assurance of having a “SOP(standard operating procedure) in place to make sure they(bombers) don't get too close,” is capitalised on through the employment of close up shots of nearby vehicles. The close up shots of the vehicles conveys the anxiety and fear of the scene through raising suspicion of a possible bomber. This trepidation is further enhanced by the voiceover of the narrator “only an hour earlier a bomb exploded nearby, killing two civilians”. The participants’ response to this physical confrontation is captured through reaction shots that reveal the apprehension and fear brought by their tangible firsthand experience of the dangers the refugees flee from. Adam Hartup expresses the resultant change he has undergone due to the discovery as he states “I won’t say it’s illegal (entering Australia by boat), its too harsh of a title,” contrasting from his past accusation of refugees to be “criminals.” Adam’s quotes portray his realisation that categorising people who are simply attempting to escape death as murderers and thieves is not appropriate. The portrayal of Adam’s transformation of his perspective on refugees illuminates the effect of discoveries evoked extraneous to themselves.
Post by: literally lauren on February 07, 2016, 01:34:34 pm
Feedback for MemeKing
Discovering the duplicity of truth in art allows for the appreciation of previously lost value and ultimately rekindles this seems like a bit of an odd word choice since if you're saying it is rekindled, then you're kind of implying that it's something that has been lost (e.g. 'to rekindle the passion in a 20 year marriage' or something) but I'm not sure you'd want to argue that our ability to appreciate art is something that has been lost the ability to appreciate art through time. Simon Nasht in Frank Hurley examines that Expression. You can 'examine a thing,' but you can't 'examine that a thing is blue.' instead, you could use 'argues' or 'affirms' which can both take 'that' after them in this context the mutability of art can only appreciated once we discover and accept its dualistic nature. Similarly, Nasht atones word check - 'atone' means 'make amends' or 'seek redemption' (e.g. I want to atone for the sins I committed in my teenage years) to conveying the human condition that provokes the need to preserve oneself through the catalyst this makes grammatical sense, but the meaning doesn't really fit. A catalyst is a spark or a starting point that brings about later results; here you just seem to be talking about the medium of art, rather than its catalytic properties of art.
The questioning of truth leads to an appreciation of value once we discover and accept its dualistic nature starting to repeat this phrase a bit now; it's very similar to some of the lines in your intro. Nasht attempts to convince a now pluralist society that only by accepting the duplicity be careful with this word; duplicity doesn't really mean 'double-ness;' it implies deception and trickery. At times, this fits, but I'm not sure it's accurate in sentences like this of Hurley’s artworks can these “elaborate concoctions” be valued more than “outright fakes”. Nasht initially portrays Hurley as a “conjurer” with a camera need a comma here and through cinema verite establishes how Hurley “undermined their what are 'they?' historical value”. Nasht does this tocritic'critique' is the verb, 'critic' is a noun for a person who criticises the epoch word check - epoch only refers to a time period; you can't really say 'the epoch of someone's work.' of Hurley’s work through their inability to see value in the duplicity of his “manipulations”. However, Nasht demonstrates the mutability of Hurley’s work through the juxtaposition between Hurley’s photos and their modern recreations once he turned “the battlefield into a canvas of his own making”. Hurley’s artworks are split-screened by Nasht in order to contrast their similarities in the hopes that their ephemeral existence may be immortalised. The commemoration of Hurley’s artworks in a now pluralist be more specific here - what aspects of pluralism are important; you've used this word without properly clarifying what you're talking about society is now seen through the close-up commentary shot that “today composites would seem commonplace”. Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley now coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth. Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates that only through the questioning truth and accepting its dualistic nature can a more heightened discovery be formed. Good, but be careful not to throw around words like 'pluralist' or 'dualistic' at the expense of discussion. There's some great vocab here, but I feel like you could amp up the close analysis a bit more.
The transcendence of art attempts to immortalize the otherwise ephemeral existence of one's legacy upon discovering their limitations.In ‘Frank Hurley’restating the text's name is usually unnecessary after the introduction, Hurley discovers he cannot perpetuate himself as a myth as he then attempts to immortalize synonyms? Just because you used this in the previous sentence, and it seems like the kind of concept that you're going to have to talk about a lot, so having a few alternatives would be useful himself through his work. Hurley “saw a market for exciting adventure films”, and through leaving himself as being a “mere observer,” he attempts to promote himself as a “fearless photographer”. Nasht’s diegetic sound of Hurley holding spears and skulls attempt to portray Hurley’s “glorious” existence that he attempts to preserve through his photographs. V good - more of this kind of discussion! Nasht furthermore highlights his ambition as although “New York was unimpressed”, the “showman hit upon a new angle”. Hurley then juxtaposes his earlier work in Papua New Guinea with “the lost tribes of Israel” that “flamed up front page headlines” that ultimately brought attention to Hurley,albeit controversial.this isn't really grammatical - are you trying to say Hurley was controversial, or that the attention was? Hurley used this fame and his discovery for “his love for drama” to create films that were intended to immortalize his work. Although Hurley “made up quite a few stories”, Nasht ultimately edits the shot of the auction house in what way? Describe this visual as though the person reading your piece can't see it - what is important about the editing of this shot? in order to commemorate Hurley’s transcendence past a “mere photographer”. Ultimately, Nasht portrays what does he do with this portrayal? Do you think Nasht is celebrating Hurley, or vilifying him? 'Portray' is a perfectly accurate word, but it's kind of like saying 'The author says...' or 'The director shows...' in that it's a missed opportunity for a more descriptive word Hurley’s attempts towardspreserving his legacy through the continual pursuit of his artworks.
Awesome job! Apologies for my confusion with the intro + body paragraphs + conclusion thing before, but this structure makes a lot more sense now :) The starts and ends of your paragraphs were both good, and you've done a decent amount of exploring the notion of discovery. It might help if you start to consider this on multiple levels (e.g. self-discovery, discoveries about other people, discovering new ideas, discovering things that were once lost, discovering some never-before-seen concept, etc.) just to broaden this explanation, though obviously the prompt will dictate your focus in that regard.
I like that you're not getting too caught up in the narrative and that you're talking more about Nasht's portrayal of Hurley than the specifics of his life, but as hard as it is to analyse documentaries, I think your piece would benefit from a bit more close analysis. The moments where you were picking up on specific filmic and visual techniques were excellent - there just need to be more of those moments!
The only other major issue was with some of your word choices, but again, those are mistakes you want to make, especially at this point of the year, so that you can correct yourself prior to assessment. Unfortunately it's a case of needing to make hundreds of little clarifications and improvements rather than one or two huge, overarching fixes, but hopefully some of the explanations above might help. If you're ever in doubt, look up the definitions, synonyms, and examples of words used in sentences. The definitions will tell you if it means what you think it means, and might alert you to any potential secondary or alternate meanings. Synonyms will help expand your vocabulary, but they also function as good 'replacement markers,' so you'll know when you can substitute in a certain word, and when you can't for grammatical reasons. And if you can find good sample sentences where these words are being used, it'll be much easier for your brain to identify any potential errors.
Really great discussion overall; just make sure you're conducting sufficient exploration of the prompt, and keep an eye on your word choices :)
Feedback for polpark
“Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understanding of ourselves and the world we live in.” Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and one other text of your choice.Very interesting text selection - it'd be interesting to see how you tied these together in later paragraphs. The logical process of explaining ideas that you've demonstrated here is excellent, and you're doing the right stuff at the right moments in terms of when to bring up evidence and when to zoom out and talk about discovery in general.
Regardless of their motivation, discoveries shape and redefine an individual’s identity, successively do yoy mean 'successfully?' 'Successfully' means 'in a way that is successful/effective,' whereas 'successively' means 'one after another, in order' - like 'I've lost six successive staring contests with my cat' shifting their previous perspectives of the world and it’s controversial issues. Ivan O’mahoneys’s 'Go Back To Where You Came From,' Suzzane Buffam’s 'The New Experience' and J.K Rowling’s 'The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination' awesome choices!! just be careful with your punctuation for the titles; try to put them all in single quotation marks like this^ to be consistentexemplifiesshould be 'exemplify' because you've got a plural list of things here (i.e. Thing A exemplifies this idea, but Things A, B, and C exemplify it.) the process of attaining awareness of what was once misunderstood or concealed. Through utilising techniques unique to their textual medium, the three texts explore various concepts of discovery,facilitating the close analysis of the results of discoveries evoked from varying catalysts.I have no idea what this means :P Are you trying to say that closely analysing the texts is like a catalyst for discovering things?? I'm not sure if it's the sentence structure or a word choice issue but this bit is a tad confusing. Other than that, v good intro.
'Go Back To Where You Came From' illustrates the transformation of individuals resulting from tangible experiences instigated through extraneous motives. it feels like your choice of vocabulary is distracting from your message, rather than enhancing it and making it clearer. All this sentence is really saying is that the people in 'Go Back' discover things as a result of their experiences. Also, 'tangible' might not be the right word here - that tends to apply more to objects or evidence (e.g. 'I have tangible proof that my wife has been cheating on me.') In the introduction, the utilisation of cross-cutting between archival footage of a refugee boat crashing into the shore and the interview of politicians stating “we must stop the boats,” engender sympathy towards the refugees and thereby evokes antagonism toward the hostility of the politicians. The biased editing indicates that the catalyst of the refugee process the six participants embark on was the producers’ external motives to persuade the public’s opinion on the refugee issue be specific here; what are they trying to persuade them of? What message is being conveyed here? As the six participants proceed through their journey, the development of their physical discovery is portrayed through the scene in which Adam, Glenny and Darren travel through the red-zone. The U.S soldiers assurance of having a “SOP(standard operating procedure) in place to make suretheywhen modifying quotes from a text, the convention is to just use square brackets and replace any unnecessary information, so this would be 'to make sure [bombers] don't get too close. '(bombers) don't get too close,” is capitalised on expressions is a bit clunky; try 'emphasised' or 'magnified' through the employment of close up shots of nearby vehicles.The close up shots of the vehicles conveysThese convey the anxiety and fear of the scene through raising suspicion of a possible bomber. This trepidation is further enhanced by the voiceover of the narrator who states that “only an hour earlier a bomb exploded nearby, killing two civilians” good, but make sure you integrate these quotes properly. The participants’ response to this physical confrontation is captured through reaction shots that reveal the apprehension and fear brought by their tangible firsthand experience of the dangers the refugees flee from. Adam Hartup expresses the resultant change he has undergone due to the discovery as he states “I won’t say it’s illegal(entering Australia by boat)[to enter Australia by boat; it's too harsh of a title,” contrasting from his past accusation of refugees to be “criminals.” expression; you don't accuse of someone to be something' - this should be more like 'his past belief that refugees were "criminals" ' or 'his previous accusation that refugees were "criminals".' Adam’s quotes portray his realisation that categorising people who are simply attempting to escape death as murderers and thieves is not appropriate. The portrayal of Adam’s transformation of his perspective on refugees illuminates the effect of discoveries evoked extraneous to themselves. Great! Loving the step-by-step build up of your argument here, but I think you could do more to link this to the prompt. Remember that you're meant to be talking about the key words 'curiousity' and 'wonder;' and those aren't really present in this paragraph. Perhaps you could challenge the prompt by suggesting that sometimes, more harrowing discoveries can stem from other impulses (i.e. the participants on 'Go Back' weren't especially curious or amazed at the wonder of what they experienced, but instead became more enlightened and informed as a result of the discoveries they made.)
However, relevance is a bit of an issue given that you're dealing with the second part of the prompt pretty well ('discoveries offer up new understanding of ourselves and the world we live in') but you've barely touched on the first at all ('discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder.') As such, I'd recommend tailoring this discussion a little bit more to the key terms that the prompt uses if you want to increase your mark. In this case, think about how 'curiousity' and 'wonder' relate to 'Go Back,' and how you might use that link to substantiate a point about discovery in general. It's possible you've left these terms to deal with in later paragraphs, but it'd be especially impressive if you managed to incorporate them here too, as if an assessor is reading this from start to finish, they'll get to the end of this paragraph and wonder why there hadn't been any exploration of certain facets of the prompt yet.
Aside from that, you seem to be pretty much on top of things. Be careful not to let your expression get too out of hand, as at time it felt a bit clunky or as though you were using the words to obfuscate what you were trying to say. Simplicity and clarity should always be your primary focus, and you can jazz stuff up with words like 'catalyse' and 'extraneous' later once the underlying message has been pinned down.
So from here on:
• Prioritise relevance, and make sure that the starts and ends of your discussion are closely based on the prompt and its key ideas. Give yourself a precise focus at the beginning, and reinforce the relevance at the end to ensure that all the evidence you bring up in between is on point.
• Watch out for your expression in some sections, and if in doubt, simplify the sentence. Your word choices were mostly fine, and the sentences were mostly grammatical; it's just that certain words weren't as efficient as they could've been, and it led to some rather laborious phrases that could've been cut down. So just make sure your wording isn't detracting from the quality of your analysis, and you should be fine :)
Good luck with it all!
Post by: nay103 on February 10, 2016, 08:39:36 pm
First of all thank you so much for doing this :) While we've finished our discovery assessment tasks already (wasn't an essay) I'm not really happy with the essay I have and my teacher actually recommended to change texts. Would you mind giving me some feedback?
Thanks!!
Post by: brenden on February 11, 2016, 09:49:23 am
Hi there!Hey nay,
First of all thank you so much for doing this :) While we've finished our discovery assessment tasks already (wasn't an essay) I'm not really happy with the essay I have and my teacher actually recommended to change texts. Would you mind giving me some feedback?
Thanks!!
Will definitely take a look!
nay103's unmarked essay for reference
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.
The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions.
Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.
Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.
Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.
Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)
The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions.
Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.
Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.
Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.
Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)
nay103's marked essay
Discoveries and discovering can offer new understanding and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others.
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. I really, really like the position you've taken here. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.
Notice what I've highlighted in blue :). I used to use that word a lot as well because it's really just so useful, but when you can make a sine graph out of your intermittent use of a word, then your essay starts to sound... well... like a really bunched up sine graph.
I like your take on the prompt, it's a good thesis.
After your thesis though, you don't flow with the texts you're introducing. I.e., it's like there's distinct chunks of writing. There's Chunk A, where you write your thesis, and then there's Chunk B, where you write about the texts. It's best to have you're entire introduction seem like it's a Chunk in itself. It seems as if SofBWotS really reinforces your thesis, so you could lead on from your first sentence like...
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun explore this notion, suggesting that new knowledge can shake the foundations of our reality.
Now, obviously talking about the shaken foundations of reality sounds like you're a bit of a wanker, but do you see how I blended the sentences? Focus not on the content, but on the grammar and structure. It looks as if there's One Chunk. Then you'd really try and continue that Chunk with the other text etc. You could say.... "However, The Motorcycle Diaries positions discovery as more akin to development; something that pushes us forward and lends us greater understanding of the world".
And that would blend.
Now, I've said a lot of things for the purpose of learning, but the key thing I want you to take out of what I've just said about your introduction is: It should be One Chunk. Not two or three Chunks. And you can do this by grammar and structure alteration!
The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. Good, hits 'ways texts are composed/responded to' As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions. Good! Hits the criteria. Structurally, the paragraph is very quick and to the point, but I see you have many paragraphs so I won't necessarily tell you off for it. I can definitely see what you're going for in this paragraph, and I do like the cut of your jib.
Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.
Hmmm. It "feels" like you're sort of, telling facts, instead of exploring discovery. A small point, but I might talk more on this at the end of the essay.
Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara cool, cool!. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes I *really* appreciate and like this folllow up sentence. Follow up sentences of this nature... they good. they cool. they fresh.. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.
Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation love it, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.Mmmhmm, mhmmm. Mmkay, kewl kewl.
Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)
Yeah I see what you mean about the last sentence. You mean this:
In comparing these two texts, it seems that discoveries of an empirical, tangible nature lead to more concrete understandings, whereas emotional discoveries (or even 'interpersonal' discoveries?) only make an individual's firm sense of self more distant and more complex.
I think that's what you mean at least, it was just a tiny bit of awkward grammar. (Even my sentence is a bit awkward - it's some tough meaning to convey).
Also, I do feel as if you perhaps compared the texts it too much of a detached way without really exploring your thesis and the nature of discovery. I.e., you flicked in some techniques, some statements... But I feel as if your thesis has more depth to it than you showed in the essay.
The structure is smart for the comparative nature of the essays, with the A-B-A-B structure. I wonder if four paragraphs is stretching you too thing though and not allowing you to hit the right depth.
Regarding changing texts... Why did your teacher recommend that? I.e., what was the context?
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. I really, really like the position you've taken here. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.
Notice what I've highlighted in blue :). I used to use that word a lot as well because it's really just so useful, but when you can make a sine graph out of your intermittent use of a word, then your essay starts to sound... well... like a really bunched up sine graph.
I like your take on the prompt, it's a good thesis.
After your thesis though, you don't flow with the texts you're introducing. I.e., it's like there's distinct chunks of writing. There's Chunk A, where you write your thesis, and then there's Chunk B, where you write about the texts. It's best to have you're entire introduction seem like it's a Chunk in itself. It seems as if SofBWotS really reinforces your thesis, so you could lead on from your first sentence like...
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun explore this notion, suggesting that new knowledge can shake the foundations of our reality.
Now, obviously talking about the shaken foundations of reality sounds like you're a bit of a wanker, but do you see how I blended the sentences? Focus not on the content, but on the grammar and structure. It looks as if there's One Chunk. Then you'd really try and continue that Chunk with the other text etc. You could say.... "However, The Motorcycle Diaries positions discovery as more akin to development; something that pushes us forward and lends us greater understanding of the world".
And that would blend.
Now, I've said a lot of things for the purpose of learning, but the key thing I want you to take out of what I've just said about your introduction is: It should be One Chunk. Not two or three Chunks. And you can do this by grammar and structure alteration!
The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. Good, hits 'ways texts are composed/responded to' As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions. Good! Hits the criteria. Structurally, the paragraph is very quick and to the point, but I see you have many paragraphs so I won't necessarily tell you off for it. I can definitely see what you're going for in this paragraph, and I do like the cut of your jib.
Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.
Hmmm. It "feels" like you're sort of, telling facts, instead of exploring discovery. A small point, but I might talk more on this at the end of the essay.
Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara cool, cool!. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes I *really* appreciate and like this folllow up sentence. Follow up sentences of this nature... they good. they cool. they fresh.. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.
Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation love it, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.Mmmhmm, mhmmm. Mmkay, kewl kewl.
Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)
Yeah I see what you mean about the last sentence. You mean this:
In comparing these two texts, it seems that discoveries of an empirical, tangible nature lead to more concrete understandings, whereas emotional discoveries (or even 'interpersonal' discoveries?) only make an individual's firm sense of self more distant and more complex.
I think that's what you mean at least, it was just a tiny bit of awkward grammar. (Even my sentence is a bit awkward - it's some tough meaning to convey).
Also, I do feel as if you perhaps compared the texts it too much of a detached way without really exploring your thesis and the nature of discovery. I.e., you flicked in some techniques, some statements... But I feel as if your thesis has more depth to it than you showed in the essay.
The structure is smart for the comparative nature of the essays, with the A-B-A-B structure. I wonder if four paragraphs is stretching you too thing though and not allowing you to hit the right depth.
Regarding changing texts... Why did your teacher recommend that? I.e., what was the context?
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 11, 2016, 10:26:21 am
Post by: nay103 on February 12, 2016, 08:17:49 pm
Hey nay,
Will definitely take a look!nay103's unmarked essay for referenceWhile the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.
The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions.
Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.
Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.
Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.
Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)nay103's marked essayDiscoveries and discovering can offer new understanding and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others.
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. I really, really like the position you've taken here. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.
Notice what I've highlighted in blue :). I used to use that word a lot as well because it's really just so useful, but when you can make a sine graph out of your intermittent use of a word, then your essay starts to sound... well... like a really bunched up sine graph.
I like your take on the prompt, it's a good thesis.
After your thesis though, you don't flow with the texts you're introducing. I.e., it's like there's distinct chunks of writing. There's Chunk A, where you write your thesis, and then there's Chunk B, where you write about the texts. It's best to have you're entire introduction seem like it's a Chunk in itself. It seems as if SofBWotS really reinforces your thesis, so you could lead on from your first sentence like...
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun explore this notion, suggesting that new knowledge can shake the foundations of our reality.
Now, obviously talking about the shaken foundations of reality sounds like you're a bit of a wanker, but do you see how I blended the sentences? Focus not on the content, but on the grammar and structure. It looks as if there's One Chunk. Then you'd really try and continue that Chunk with the other text etc. You could say.... "However, The Motorcycle Diaries positions discovery as more akin to development; something that pushes us forward and lends us greater understanding of the world".
And that would blend.
Now, I've said a lot of things for the purpose of learning, but the key thing I want you to take out of what I've just said about your introduction is: It should be One Chunk. Not two or three Chunks. And you can do this by grammar and structure alteration!
The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. Good, hits 'ways texts are composed/responded to' As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions. Good! Hits the criteria. Structurally, the paragraph is very quick and to the point, but I see you have many paragraphs so I won't necessarily tell you off for it. I can definitely see what you're going for in this paragraph, and I do like the cut of your jib.
Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.
Hmmm. It "feels" like you're sort of, telling facts, instead of exploring discovery. A small point, but I might talk more on this at the end of the essay.
Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara cool, cool!. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes I *really* appreciate and like this folllow up sentence. Follow up sentences of this nature... they good. they cool. they fresh.. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.
Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation love it, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.Mmmhmm, mhmmm. Mmkay, kewl kewl.
Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)
Yeah I see what you mean about the last sentence. You mean this:
In comparing these two texts, it seems that discoveries of an empirical, tangible nature lead to more concrete understandings, whereas emotional discoveries (or even 'interpersonal' discoveries?) only make an individual's firm sense of self more distant and more complex.
I think that's what you mean at least, it was just a tiny bit of awkward grammar. (Even my sentence is a bit awkward - it's some tough meaning to convey).
Also, I do feel as if you perhaps compared the texts it too much of a detached way without really exploring your thesis and the nature of discovery. I.e., you flicked in some techniques, some statements... But I feel as if your thesis has more depth to it than you showed in the essay.
The structure is smart for the comparative nature of the essays, with the A-B-A-B structure. I wonder if four paragraphs is stretching you too thing though and not allowing you to hit the right depth.
Regarding changing texts... Why did your teacher recommend that? I.e., what was the context?
Hey,
Thanks! That was really constructive. Would you be happy to look at a fixed essay once I get around to that?
My teacher said to change texts because the book seems to offer a notion of discovery that is "too ambiguous." I don't really see a problem with it - perhaps it even emphasises the nature of emotional discovery - but do you think I should listen to her?
Post by: MemeKing on February 13, 2016, 01:13:04 pm
Body 1: Hurley
The mutability of truth renders discovery pivotal in order for us to appreciate otherwise ephemeral aspects of value. The subjective feature of truth is confronted in the composite nature of Hurley’s work. The notion that Hurley’s photographs are “amongst the most valuable ever taken” is a perspective that Nasht attempts to convey to his contemporary audience in Frank Hurley in order for us to discover aspects of value in his work that have been blurred by the ambiguity of truth. Hurley’s “concoctions” lie in him seeing “a gulf between what he saw and what he captured” and thus provokes his transition into being a “master of illusions”. Hurley’s “outright fakes” were attempted to be reconciled through Nasht’s quadtriptychs that endeavored to justify Hurley’s “dalliance with the truth”. This juxtaposition was edited through the documentary in order to demonstrate that by discovering Hurley’s intention behind these “grand illusions”, could we then appreciate otherwise lost aspects of value. Nasht’s then evocative zoom into the cyclical auction house emphasizing the “$100,000” portrays the value of his “forgotten work” that had now proved to be popular “in a world searching for hero’s”. Nasht critiques the momentum of time that renders Hurley’s works “fake”, and thus conveys that only through discovery can we appreciate Hurley’s “grand illusions”.
Body 2: Hurley
Man’s continual pursuit for discovery manifests the irony regarding human identity, allowing individuals to transcend their failures through art. Throughout Frank Hurley, Nasht portrays Hurley’s intellectual discoveries that ultimately catalyses his ability to perpetuate a desired self-image. This provokes the need to transcend himself past a “mere photographer,” utilizing his “elaborate concoctions” in order to attain a nirvana in which his fallacy of a “grand illusionist” may be adhered to. As Hurley discovered, he realized he could not “capture his works on a single frame”, the frustrated tone of the narrator resonates with Hurley’s inherent failures that provokes him to seek alternative methods to let his work be known. Through this journey of self-discovery, Nasht portrays Hurley as a “tireless photographer” that sees his intellectual inability lead him through “drinking melting ice” and “eating raw seal meat” that conveys his seemingly endless journeys in attempting to discover what may make his work timeless. Nasht then reconciles the ephemeral existence of Hurley’s photographers through the title of “an inventor”, stating how Hurley is going to “make the photographers”. Nasht engages this with a montage of composite images in order to portray Hurley’s affiliation as an “inventor”, emphasizing his ability to transcend himself through “manipulations”. Although plagued by the momentum of time, Nasht demonstrates how Hurley’s intellectual discoveries can redefine his existence and transcend Hurley’s inherent inadequacies through art.
Body 3: Black Swan [Relating Hurley’s Body 2]
Discovering the desire for perfection examines the duality in human identity, implying that insanity is possible in a search for perfection, even death. Aronofsky depicts man’s continual pursuit for discovery in Black Swan through the protagonist Nina’s transcendence into the “black swan” that leads her to surpass her failures. Nina’s goal is to dance both the roles of the “white” and “black” swan however she does not possess the “dark passion” required to “balance the opposing characters of good and evil”. In the light of this discovery, Aronofsky portrays the dichotomy of black and white in the film as a reoccurring motif that demonstrates the “corruption” slowly delving into the protagonists mind leading her further into insanity. The illusion that Nina experienced pulling a “feather” from her skin depicts her evolution as the metaphor portrays her transcendence to the “darkness” she needed for the “black swan”. Much like Hurley’s ability to transcend himself through his “elaborate concoctions”, Nina is finally able to transcend herself in the final scene as she “bleeds black”, “killing herself” onstage in attempts to achieve “perfection”. Through this scene, Aronofsky conveys that darkness was a cost from the plight for perfection that concluded with “suicidal death” and that Nina the “White swan” was metaphorically “set free” the more she discovered the “shadow within”. Hence, both Nasht’s and Aronofsky’s texts mutually explore the irony of human identity, portraying man’s pursuit to transcend their failures through art.
Post by: summerxyingshi on February 15, 2016, 03:53:08 pm
I was wondering if you would be able to give me some feedback on my essay on The Crucible. The essay is just on The Crucible.
Thank you :)
Post by: literally lauren on February 16, 2016, 03:46:15 pm
Hey guys, thank you for doing advanced english essay marking! What a benevolent act this is! If anyone is available, would you kindly mind to mark my essay on the area of study discovery? Thank you very much guys I really appreciate it! :)Tis the least we can do for those aboard the AN bandwagon, especially people as helpful as yourself.
Comments in the spoiler :)
Spoiler
“Discovery can affirm or challenge societal assumptions and beliefs about aspects of human experience and the world” How does this quote represent your own understanding of discovery? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your choosing.
Discovery – necessarily involving the overcoming of obstacles and recognition to greater human potentials –often challenges popular social assumptions through renewed perceptions towards the reality of remote circumstances and confronting human experiences. excellent opening sentence. This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: the Man who Made History (2004). This documentary which illustrates the magnificence and danger of Antarctica and the atrocity of World War I, hence depicting an alternative reality of these events for a contemporary audience. Similarly, Markus Zusak’s novel The Messenger I approve of this choice :D Awesome book (2002) affirms the social expectations singular, since I believe you're just talking about the one here(?) that for teenagers, life can be unfulfilling but through determined actions and self-actualisation, expectation as in, our own expepctations? Or societal expectations? You could afford to be more specific here can be challenged and become more realistic. Overall, strong intro, and you've forged a decent link between the set texts.
Hurley’s far-reachinghuman <--bit redundant experience during the Shackleton Expedition challenges the society’s assumption of Antarctica being an unknown, lifeless and barren land through illustrating the continent’s magnificent force of nature. Excellent topic sentence. These paradigms are challenged synonym? This is the kind of word that's likely to come up often, so having some alternatives up your sleeve would be useful through Hurley’s iconic composite photography, stimulating new worlds and possibilities. The Shackleton voyage took place between 1914 and 1917 with the intention to cross Antarctica from pole to pole. The Polar historian, Steve Martin’s description of the exploration through the biblical imagery “place of the gods is taken … incredible forces of nature” depicts both the transcendent nature of the discovery which challenges the societal perception of Antarctica as a land of emptiness and insignificance. As an outcome of the Shackleton Voyage, Hurley reaches an epiphany and discovers that the extreme weather of Antarctica, the force of nature and his human encounters constitute to expression(??) Are you trying to say that these things combine to form valuable parts of his photography? If so, 'constitute' doesn't really fit the sentence here. If not, I'm not sure what you're saying exactly valuable components of his photography. This idea is expressed through Hurley’s metaphorical celebration of “something that was gold dust” which reflects the unexpected discovery of the fascinating world around him. So how do you know this discovery is valuable to him based on that quote? The connection might be obvious to you, but being even more explicit would be really good here (i.e. the fact that 'gold dust' implies fine, intrinsic value, etc.) Moreover, during the emotional interview with the daughters, the close-up shot of their mourning expression and the sobbing tone “how they found a place to camp is beyond me” this quote isn't really integrated properly. If I were to take out the quotation marks here, it wouldn't really be grammatical, which tells you that you need to do more to make this fir challenges the society’s unless you're going to specify a society (eg. 1970's America; contemporary Australia, the middle ages, etc.) it'd be better to just say 'society' in general assumption that mankind cannot exist in Antarctica and endure under such a harsh environment. Overall, the documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the timeless interaction between mankind and nature and how there is usually a re-evaluation of societal assumptions for a modern audience.
This is really nit-picky, but this sentence isn't really grammatical even though I know exactly what you're saying. Basically, we've got two core points here, and if we reverse the order, you'll see why they don't quite fit:
1. The documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature, and how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions. (~simplifying a bit here)
2. The documentary presents how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions and confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature. ???
If this sentence were grammatical, I should be able to swap these components around, and everything would be fine. See:
1. The documentary suggests that art is really cool, and that the audience should take up painting.
2. The documentary suggests that the audience should take up painting, and that art is really cool.
But because you've got the verb 'presents' here, which doesn't quite gel with the second constituent ('how there is usually a revaluation...') it makes the whole things sound just a little bit off.
Admittedly it's the kind of thing most assessors would just ignore and skim over, but tidying up these little syntactic inconsistencies can make a difference to your quality of writing overall.
The personal and historical ramifications of Hurley’s emotional and psychological try not to split hairs unecessarily; your first divide: 'personal and historical' is valid, but this second one is a tad redundant. Is there a difference between an emotional disclosure and a psychological one? disclosure of life’s fragility during World War I offered a transformed societal perception towards the recording of human atrocity. An example of these ramifications is revealed through Hurley’s daunting simile when he describes how the war is“It’s like passing through the Valley of Death for no-one knows when the shell will lob”. <-- notice how I've integrated that quote now such that if you removed the quotation marks, it'd still fit the sentence? This in conjunction with the photographs of dead mutilated soldier in mud presents the devastating nature of war and consequences of human destruction. Hereby Hence, 1900s society’s the society of the 1900s' perception of war as a glorious event of courage? is effectively subverted. The emotional and psychological discoveries have led lead to the transformation within Hurley, from an objective war correspondent to an artist who desires to convey his understanding of the heroism within the soldiers when facing the devastation of war. The unbearable circumstance he disclosed for himself, expression - I'm not sure what you mean by 'disclosed' in this context? as illustrated through the frightening military imagery of there being a body “every twenty paces or less lay a body … covered with mud and slime” which has generated his intention to transcend the limitation of shots and create photographs. Consequently, through incorporating an extreme long shot to depict the vulnerability of the soldiers who are exposed under the attack of the planes, Hurley’s composite photograph portrays the soldiers’ courage in wars despite the observed danger. This effectively promotes a sense of heroism within them which cannot be achieved through factual photographs. Therefore, the power of composite imageries to illustrate the horrors of war challenges the importance of an objective analysis, signifying the importance of a subjective perspective to heighten the atrocity of war and confront the 1900s cultural belief of war as glorious. Freakin' awesome paragraph closer - there's not a thing about this I would change; you've done a great job zooming out after successfully building up your evidence over the previous sentences - great job!
Similarly, in The Messenger (2002), the protagonist Ed Kennedy subverts society’s assumptions towards underachieving teenagers through his transformative self-actualisation after accomplishing a series of confronting physicaldisclosures okay, this word definitely doesn't fit here. What exactly are you referring to? Physical tasks/challenges?. This is illustrated through the juxtaposition between in the representations of Ed in the establishing and final chapter. Preliminarily, Ed is displayed as an incompetent teenager whose doomed life simply involves cab driving and card games through the truncated sentences “No real career. No respect in the community. Nothing”. The repetition of “no” depicts a sense of hollowness in Ed’s life and affirms the assumption that real occupational world can be unfulfilling. EXCELLENT! You've got some quotes and metalanguage to describe what's going on in the text, but more impressively, you've been able to link this up with the intended meaning and overall significance!!! This is one of the best examples of this I've seen in an essay, and I've read a lot of essays :P Well done! However, his commencement on the Ace of Diamonds okay, I know what you're referring to because I've read the text, but if you said this to someone who hadn't you could understand how they might be confused. I think it's worth having maybe half a sentence of explanation about the significance of the different cards and notes just so your reader doesn't get lost here has led leads to discoveries of his hidden potentials, such as his ability to deal with the dilemma on the Edgar Street, heal people’s scars with happiness and encourage others to achieve beyond their abilities. In addition, Ed’s alternative method to punish the rapist instead of killing him is a spiritual landmark significant indicative of Ed’s enlightenment. The symbolism of the trigger in the quote “A moment of peace shatters me and I pull the trigger” represents Ed’s transition from a mundane, 19-years-old taxi driver to a hero who is ambitious, helpful and competent. In the last chapter of The Messenger, the spiritually meaningful outcomes have led Ed into becoming to become (though the expression is a bit simple here; instead of 'led to become,' consider something like 'engenders' or 'induces him to become...') a totally different person. Through the short but powerful closing sentence “I am not the messenger. I am the message”, Ed challenges for a popular-culture audience the society’s ignorance towards underachieving teenagers should be more like 'Ed challenges the ignorance of popular culture and society towards underachieving teenagers' by revealing his power to positively impact upon other’s lives and his capability to achieve beyond his potential. Overall, try not to overuse this as a paragraph conclusion; there are lots of other linking words like 'thus...' and 'ultimately' which would also work here through Ed’s contributive achievements either 'contributions' or 'achievements' would be fine here which are outcomes of his renewed understanding of his values, societal assumptions towards human experiences are effectively challenged.
Overall see above, both texts effectively portray the immense power of discovery to transform an individual’s perception towards social beliefs about human experience and the world. Through Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History, contemporary responders are enlightened with Hurley’s passion as an artistic photographer and this challenges societal beliefs about these composite imageries as being merely commodities. Similarly, the ramifications of Ed’s unexpected self-discovery in The Messenger has significantly transformed his life and confronted societal assumptions towards underachieving teenagers. good, functional conclusion, but I think there's room for you to do more than just sum up your points here. Ultimately, you're not going to lose marks for ending on a note like this, but you're not going to be gaining any marks either, so it's kind of a missed opportunity. Instead, try to zoom out and say something about the nature of discovery using both of these texts as your springboard, so that you can end by looking at discover as a whole, rather than relating the prompt to both texts in isolation.
So, to sum up, there are some really standout moments of top quality analysis here, and you've clearly got a lot of confidence in talking about the texts.
I think you could certainly work on your comparative skills though; dealing with the texts in their own paragraphs is perfectly fine, and it means you can explore relevant ideas without having to constantly flip back and forth between each one, but if you never talk about them together until the final bit of the conclusion, it makes it seem as though there aren't many viable links between them.
This actually ties in with a bigger point about argumentation. You've argued a lot of awesome points about the connection between Hurley and the idea of discovery, but when dealing with 'The Messenger,' you seem to conclude on the idea of societal expectations as they pertain to teenagers/underachievers which, whilst valid, is a little bit limiting and doesn't really showcase your or the text's potential. Spending some time just forging links between your two texts and then building out to ideas about discovery would be really valuable, I think.
Look at it like this - if the aim of your discovery module is to serve me up a delicious chocolate cake, and you serve me up one plain vanilla sponge cake on one plate and a big block of chocolate on the other... I'm not going to be too happy. I mean, I'll eat them both... but it'll be under duress >:(
Instead, you should be aiming to produce an outcome which would not be possible with just some ingredients on their own. You can't make a chocolate cake with the ingredients for a vanilla sponge, nor can you make it with a block of chocolate alone. Your arguments about discovery should be like chocolate cake, and you need to combine BOTH texts to reach this goal.
So, if you're following my metaphor, what you've got at the moment is three paragraphs worth of delicious sponge cake, and one paragraph of tempting chocolate, but it's that final challenge of combination that you'll now have to reckon with. Don't compromise the quality of your analysis though, because that's clearly a strong point for you. But perhaps see if you could integrate a bit of each text into every paragraph, or at least have one of your bodies exploring some connections in more detail. That way, you'll be able to 'zoom out' and say things about discovery that wouldn't have otherwise been possible without the input of both textual reference points.
Other than that, really awesome job so far. Good luck with it all!
Discovery – necessarily involving the overcoming of obstacles and recognition to greater human potentials –often challenges popular social assumptions through renewed perceptions towards the reality of remote circumstances and confronting human experiences. excellent opening sentence. This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: the Man who Made History (2004)
Hurley’s far-reaching
This is really nit-picky, but this sentence isn't really grammatical even though I know exactly what you're saying. Basically, we've got two core points here, and if we reverse the order, you'll see why they don't quite fit:
1. The documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature, and how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions. (~simplifying a bit here)
2. The documentary presents how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions and confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature. ???
If this sentence were grammatical, I should be able to swap these components around, and everything would be fine. See:
1. The documentary suggests that art is really cool, and that the audience should take up painting.
2. The documentary suggests that the audience should take up painting, and that art is really cool.
But because you've got the verb 'presents' here, which doesn't quite gel with the second constituent ('how there is usually a revaluation...') it makes the whole things sound just a little bit off.
Admittedly it's the kind of thing most assessors would just ignore and skim over, but tidying up these little syntactic inconsistencies can make a difference to your quality of writing overall.
The personal and historical ramifications of Hurley’s emotional and psychological try not to split hairs unecessarily; your first divide: 'personal and historical' is valid, but this second one is a tad redundant. Is there a difference between an emotional disclosure and a psychological one? disclosure of life’s fragility during World War I offered a transformed societal perception towards the recording of human atrocity. An example of these ramifications is revealed through Hurley’s daunting simile when he describes how the war is“
Similarly, in The Messenger (2002), the protagonist Ed Kennedy subverts society’s assumptions towards underachieving teenagers through his transformative self-actualisation after accomplishing a series of confronting physical
Overall see above, both texts effectively portray the immense power of discovery to transform an individual’s perception towards social beliefs about human experience and the world. Through Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History, contemporary responders are enlightened with Hurley’s passion as an artistic photographer and this challenges societal beliefs about these composite imageries as being merely commodities. Similarly, the ramifications of Ed’s unexpected self-discovery in The Messenger has significantly transformed his life and confronted societal assumptions towards underachieving teenagers. good, functional conclusion, but I think there's room for you to do more than just sum up your points here. Ultimately, you're not going to lose marks for ending on a note like this, but you're not going to be gaining any marks either, so it's kind of a missed opportunity. Instead, try to zoom out and say something about the nature of discovery using both of these texts as your springboard, so that you can end by looking at discover as a whole, rather than relating the prompt to both texts in isolation.
So, to sum up, there are some really standout moments of top quality analysis here, and you've clearly got a lot of confidence in talking about the texts.
I think you could certainly work on your comparative skills though; dealing with the texts in their own paragraphs is perfectly fine, and it means you can explore relevant ideas without having to constantly flip back and forth between each one, but if you never talk about them together until the final bit of the conclusion, it makes it seem as though there aren't many viable links between them.
This actually ties in with a bigger point about argumentation. You've argued a lot of awesome points about the connection between Hurley and the idea of discovery, but when dealing with 'The Messenger,' you seem to conclude on the idea of societal expectations as they pertain to teenagers/underachievers which, whilst valid, is a little bit limiting and doesn't really showcase your or the text's potential. Spending some time just forging links between your two texts and then building out to ideas about discovery would be really valuable, I think.
Look at it like this - if the aim of your discovery module is to serve me up a delicious chocolate cake, and you serve me up one plain vanilla sponge cake on one plate and a big block of chocolate on the other... I'm not going to be too happy. I mean, I'll eat them both... but it'll be under duress >:(
Instead, you should be aiming to produce an outcome which would not be possible with just some ingredients on their own. You can't make a chocolate cake with the ingredients for a vanilla sponge, nor can you make it with a block of chocolate alone. Your arguments about discovery should be like chocolate cake, and you need to combine BOTH texts to reach this goal.
So, if you're following my metaphor, what you've got at the moment is three paragraphs worth of delicious sponge cake, and one paragraph of tempting chocolate, but it's that final challenge of combination that you'll now have to reckon with. Don't compromise the quality of your analysis though, because that's clearly a strong point for you. But perhaps see if you could integrate a bit of each text into every paragraph, or at least have one of your bodies exploring some connections in more detail. That way, you'll be able to 'zoom out' and say things about discovery that wouldn't have otherwise been possible without the input of both textual reference points.
Other than that, really awesome job so far. Good luck with it all!
Hey,Hey man, feel free to post redrafts and other essays here! There'll always be someone happy to help out. :)
Thanks! That was really constructive. Would you be happy to look at a fixed essay once I get around to that?
My teacher said to change texts because the book seems to offer a notion of discovery that is "too ambiguous." I don't really see a problem with it - perhaps it even emphasises the nature of emotional discovery - but do you think I should listen to her?
With regards to changing your texts, I'd definitely consult with your teacher further and see if she reckons your text is the kind of one you just need to deal with very carefully to make sure you're bringing those 'ambiguities' to the surface and explaining them clearly, or whether she thinks it's one that's better ditched and left alone because it'd be too much work.
I'm with you in that it seems to suit your discussion well and sheds some slightly different light on what would otherwise be a fairly straightforward discussion of certain facets of discovery, but perhaps this is your teacher's way of telling you 'you're going to have a tough time this year dealing with certain prompts and ideas,' so I'd probably give more credence to her opinion than mine :P Did you have any other texts in mind, or are there any particular texts you might consider? Ideally you'll be able to find one that deals with similar ideas in a less ambiguous way. Let me know what you're looking for and I might be able to suggest some.
@MemeKing, feedback below:
Spoiler
Body 1: Hurley
The mutability of truthrenders 'means that' or 'makes' would be more accurate here. You've got enough complex words going on in this sentence, and 'renders' is not quite right (-it tends to be used in the context of 'eliminating all other options,' as in, 'My ATAR rendered me unable to attend university.' It's kind of like the verb 'left,' as in, 'She was left/rendered crying by the phone waiting for it to ring' if that makes sense?) discovery pivotal in order for us to appreciate otherwise ephemeral aspects of value. The subjective feature of truth is confronted in the composite nature of Hurley’s work. The notion that Hurley’s photographs are “amongst the most valuable ever taken” is a perspective that Nasht attempts to convey to his contemporary audience in Frank Hurley in order for us to discover aspects of value in his work that have been blurred by the ambiguity of truth. Hurley’s “concoctions” lie in him seeing “a gulf between what he saw and what he captured” and thus provokes his transition into being a “master of illusions”. Hurley’s “outright fakes” were attempted to be reconciled expression - this makes it sound like the fakes were trying to reconcile themselves ??? through Nasht’s quadtriptychs that endeavored to justify So this sentence is saying Hurley's fakes were reconciled through the quadtriptychs that tried to justify his "dalliance"? I'm a little lost here; what is the textual evidence demonstrating, exactly. At the moment, you're cramming a bit too much information into these sentences Hurley’s “dalliance with the truth”. This juxtaposition was is --keep a consistent present tense when talking about things the author/director does edited through the documentary in order to demonstrate that by discovering Hurley’s intention behind these “grand illusions”, could we could then appreciate otherwise lost aspects of value. Nasht’s then evocative zoom into the cyclical auction house emphasizing the “$100,000” portrays the value of his “forgotten work” that had now proved to be popular “in a world searching for hero’s no apostrophe here”. Thus, Nasht critiques the momentum of time expression that renders Hurley’s works “fake”, and thus conveys that only through discovery can we appreciate Hurley’s “grand illusions”.
Body 2: Hurley
Man’s continual pursuit for discovery manifests brings about? not sure what you're going for here the irony regarding human identity, allowing individuals to transcend their failures through art. Throughout Frank Hurley, Nasht portrays Hurley’s intellectual discoveries that ultimately catalyses his ability to perpetuate a desired self-image. This provokes the need to transcend himself past a “mere photographer,” utilizing his “elaborate concoctions” in order to attain a nirvana in which his fallacy of a “grand illusionist” may be adhered to. As Hurley discovered, he realized he could not “capture his works on a single frame”, and the frustrated tone of the narrator resonates with Hurley’s inherent failures that provokes him to seek alternative methods to let his work be known. Through this journey of self-discovery, Nasht portrays Hurley as a “tireless photographer” that sees his intellectual inability lead him through “drinking melting ice” and “eating raw seal meat” that slight repetition in sentence structure within this point conveys his seemingly endless journeys in attempting to discover what may make his work timeless. some great analysis going on here; this is much improved from your earlier drafts :) Nasht then reconciles the ephemeral existence of Hurley’s photographers through the title of “an inventor”, stating how Hurley is going to “make the photographers”. Nasht engages this with a montage of composite images in order to portray Hurley’s affiliation as an “inventor”, emphasizing his ability to transcend himself through “manipulations”. Although plagued by the momentum of time, Nasht demonstrates how Hurley’s intellectual discoveries can redefine his existence and transcend Hurley’s inherent inadequacies through art. V. good paragraph; watch out for expression errors, but other than that, good use of evidence.
Body 3: Black Swan [Relating Hurley’s Body 2]
Discovering the desire for perfectionexamines involves an examination of the duality in human identity, implying that insanity is possible in a search for perfection, even death why does this imply insanity and death are possible? I'm not following the logic here. Aronofsky depicts man’s continual pursuit for discovery in Black Swan through the protagonist Nina’s transcendence into the “black swan” that leads her to surpass her failures. Nina’s goal is to dance both the roles of the “white” and “black” swan however she does not possess the “dark passion” required to “balance the opposing characters of good and evil”. In the light of this discovery, Aronofsky portrays the dichotomy of black and white in the film as a reoccurring motif that demonstrates the “corruption” slowly delving into the protagonists mind leading her further into insanity. The illusion that Nina experienced pulling a “feather” from her skin depicts her evolution as the metaphor portrays her transcendence to the “darkness” she needed for the “black swan”. Much like Hurley’s ability to transcend himself through his “elaborate concoctions”, Nina is finally able to transcend herself I love that there's an overt connection between the texts here, but to 'transcend oneself' isn't really the most accurate way to phrase this in the context of the plot in the final scene as she “bleeds black”, “killing herself” onstage in attempts an attempt to achieve “perfection”. Through this scene, Aronofsky conveys that darkness was a cost from the plight for perfection that concluded with “suicidal death” and that Nina the “White swan” was metaphorically “set free” the more she discovered the “shadow within”. Hence, both Nasht’s and Aronofsky’s texts mutually explore the irony of human identity, portraying man’s pursuit to transcend their failures through art. Excellent para conclusion!
There's so much improvement here from your earlier pieces; the connection between evidence and ideas is way stronger, and it seems like there's greater clarity in your understanding of the set text, so well done. There were a few moments where your expression impeded clarity a bit and I couldn't quite work out what you were insinuating, so just keep an eye on your word choices (but again, keep varying your vocab so you can uncover these concerns - they're already getting less frequent, which is also a sign of improvement) & make sure you're not repeating vocab or sentence structures too much.
Let us know if you have any further questions! :)
The mutability of truth
Body 2: Hurley
Man’s continual pursuit for discovery manifests brings about? not sure what you're going for here the irony regarding human identity, allowing individuals to transcend their failures through art. Throughout Frank Hurley, Nasht portrays Hurley’s intellectual discoveries that ultimately catalyses his ability to perpetuate a desired self-image. This provokes the need to transcend himself past a “mere photographer,” utilizing his “elaborate concoctions” in order to attain a nirvana in which his fallacy of a “grand illusionist” may be adhered to. As Hurley discovered, he realized he could not “capture his works on a single frame”, and the frustrated tone of the narrator resonates with Hurley’s inherent failures that provokes him to seek alternative methods to let his work be known. Through this journey of self-discovery, Nasht portrays Hurley as a “tireless photographer” that sees his intellectual inability lead him through “drinking melting ice” and “eating raw seal meat” that slight repetition in sentence structure within this point conveys his seemingly endless journeys in attempting to discover what may make his work timeless. some great analysis going on here; this is much improved from your earlier drafts :) Nasht then reconciles the ephemeral existence of Hurley’s photographers through the title of “an inventor”, stating how Hurley is going to “make the photographers”. Nasht engages this with a montage of composite images in order to portray Hurley’s affiliation as an “inventor”, emphasizing his ability to transcend himself through “manipulations”. Although plagued by the momentum of time, Nasht demonstrates how Hurley’s intellectual discoveries can redefine his existence and transcend Hurley’s inherent inadequacies through art. V. good paragraph; watch out for expression errors, but other than that, good use of evidence.
Body 3: Black Swan [Relating Hurley’s Body 2]
Discovering the desire for perfection
There's so much improvement here from your earlier pieces; the connection between evidence and ideas is way stronger, and it seems like there's greater clarity in your understanding of the set text, so well done. There were a few moments where your expression impeded clarity a bit and I couldn't quite work out what you were insinuating, so just keep an eye on your word choices (but again, keep varying your vocab so you can uncover these concerns - they're already getting less frequent, which is also a sign of improvement) & make sure you're not repeating vocab or sentence structures too much.
Let us know if you have any further questions! :)
@summerxyingshi, feedback below:
Spoiler
What are the individual political perspectives, ideas, events or situations of the community? How are these represented?
In your response examine context, characterisation, theme, the process of analogy and allusion, motif, tone, structure, language, the use of drama as a political instrument. In your response, refer to The Crucible.
Political consequences can occur as a result of individuals pursuing their own ideology in a confining theological society. V. good opening sentence. You're talking about abstract ideas, but you're still doing so in a way that hints at the key notions in the prompt, which is awesome! This is represented in Arthur Miller’s 1953 drama, The Crucible which recounts the political event of the 17th Century Salem Witch Hunts. Miller uses the allegory of the town of Salem to criticise the 1950s, <-- no comma needed here American McCarthyism trials whereby individuals feared (keep the tense consistent; you're talking about an event in the '50s, so it's pretty safe to use past tense) blinded the people’s true intentions and morals.
The Crucible portrays through the Salem witch trials, that Okay, idea-wise, I get what you're conveying, but the sentence structure is a little bit weird here. First of all, the word 'portrays' is a great one for describing how an author presents evidence (e.g. 'Miller portrays the damage of Abigail's lies' or 'The playwright portrays the hysteria of the town') but you can't really use it in the context of portraying a message (e.g. 'Miller portrays that Abigail is a liar' or 'The playwright portrays that the town is hysterical' ~~both of those sound a little clunky.) If those last two sound okay to you, it's probably because your use of the word 'portrays' isn't quite aligned with the correct grammatical use of the word. To give you a clearer example of why this sounds odd, think of a word like 'argues.' You can say 'Miller argues that hysteria can be damaging,' but you can't say 'Miller argues the damage of hysteria' - it just doesn't sound right with that verb choice.
The other thing you've done here is split the sentence a bit, which can work well in some contexts, but isn't ideal in a topic sentence where you want to be prioritising clarity. So instead of saying (The author argues) (through this piece of evidence) (that this idea is true,) you instead want to get that middle bit outside the core of the sentence, and have it either at the beginning, like so: (Through this piece of evidence,) (the author argues) (this idea to be true) or at the end, as in: (The author argues) (this idea to be true,) (as seen in this piece of evidence.) To take the first one as an example, that would give us something more like 'Through the frenzy of the Salem witch trials, Miller suggests that mass hysteria can skew... etc.' Make sense? :) mass hysteria can skew an individual’s morals furthering political instability. Abigail, the antagonist,repetitively really minor thing, but 'repetitively' kind of means 'repeating something so often it becomes irritating,' as in, 'he repetitively asked me to buy him Maccas for lunch' whereas 'repeatedly' means 'doing something multiple times,' and it's this second definition that seems to fit the context better here claims that “I (she) when modifying quotes, the three rules you have to abide by are:
a) make the grammar of the quote fit your sentence (which you've kind of done)
b) use square brackets to insert any words you need (which you've kind of done - just need to be squarer :P)
and
c) delete any words that need replacing.
So rather than saying 'she claims that "I [she] saw" something' --> you can instead just say --> 'she claims that "[she] saw" something,' which is way more grammatical than doubling up on pronouns by adding information but not deleting any saw…” you should probably fill in the blank here, even if you're not quoting. What is it that Abigail says she saw, exactly? (I know, and your teacher likely knows too, but you have to demonstrate that knowledge to the both of us), emphasising her blatant lying and rejection of Puritan morals. The hysterical fear of witches and supernatural events existing in Salem perpetuates Abigail’s lies, debunking Salem’s justice system demonstrated through the ironic stage direction ironic in what way? I like that you're going from an argumentative point about the thematic notion of hysteria into a discussion of evidence, but the link need to be a bit clearer here of Abigail’s “Ecstatic cries” as she condemns innocent people. This mirrors American 1950s McCarthyism, where suspected communists were blacklisted unless they named other people guilty of communistic views. As the curtain falls, morally strong-minded Rebecca Nurse is left alone on stage illustrating the moral weaknesses of other characters being swept up in the mass hallucination. Thus, highlighting SLIGHT TANGENT HERE --If you'll indulge this nerdy linguist for just a moment... what you've got here is an incomplete sentence, or more specifically, a FRAGMENTED SENTENCE
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/scatteredellipse/shock.gif)
...but it's okay! We can fix it!! First, let me explain what this means.
Every sentence has to have a 'thing' it's focusing on (known as the 'topic' or main noun of the sentence,) and then a 'thing' that happens (known as the action or main verb of a sentence.) There can be other information too, but that stuff has to be there and it has to be in that exact order of 'noun thing' + 'verb action.' That's why I can say something like:
My uncle went to the shops
but not:
Went my uncle to the shops.
You can begin a sentence with a verb, but it won't be the main verb of a sentence. For example:
Following my recent fight with my friend, she decided to ditch me.
^See how the 'focus' of the sentence is that she decided to do something, not that it 'followed my recent fight with her?' That's because all the other stuff is just optional, additional info. The core of the sentence is that main topic+action combination.
If a sentence is missing either its topic or its action, it's not a complete sentence (i.e. = a fragmented sentence.)
Now let's look at what you've written:
'Thus highlighting how the disorder can affect the community.'
(I'm simplifying the last bit, but you get the idea.)
So now that this is taken out of context, you might already be able to see how it feels a bit incomplete. That's because we've got the main verb of the sentence, 'highlighting,' but there's no main noun or topic! :O
Compare this to:
- This highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- Thus, the playwright highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- By highlighting how the disorder can affect the community, the author suggests that instability is dangerous
^Now we've got some complete sentences.
But the pattern of writing a linking word (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Thus...' 'Hence...' etc.) and a verb (eg. 'suggesting...' 'implying...' 'highlighting...') at the start of sentences is a very common trap for students, so keep an eye out for these kinds of sentences so you can remind yourself to stick a 'topic' in there before the verb, or else reword the sentence to make it more grammatical :) how the mass psychogenic disorder pervading through the community can destabilise and corrupt the community.
<link to previous discussion?>The minority becomes scapegoats in order to satisfy a corrupt individual’s thirst for political power. Abigail, in a desperate attempt to escape suspicion for “call(ing) the Devil”, targets Tituba, who is unable to defend herself properly due to her cultural and language barriers, displayed inher syntactic the syntax of her dialogue “I don’t compact with no devil”. The double negative paradoxically has Tituba confessing to her crime and be ‘scapegoated’ by Abigail’s ‘snowballing’ of lies. Miller alludes to the communist hunt in 1950s America whereby power hungry individual’s <-- no apostrophe here attack the minority through accusations of communism to further their political power slight repetition here: 'power hungry people seek to further political power; hence power is transferred to power hungry people' :P Some synonyms would help a lot. Hence, power is wrongly transferred word check - what do you mean by 'transferred?' Where is it transferred from? Who is transferring it? Not sure this is the right word to describe this concept to power hungry individuals with no interest for the community, causing justice to be manipulated and distorted.
Political tension can cause domestic suffering and household politics to be altered. see above regarding linking paragraphs The setting of John’s house “is the low, dark, and rather long living- room of time”. The lighting of the Proctor household displays the tension present, reinforcing the diminishing of John’s power to maintain domestic peace. Good stuff! The fear of witches in Salem, no comma here inflicts pressure on Johnand with the tension present in the Proctor household resulting in his angry outburst that he “comes into court when I (he) comes home.” The metaphor you need to explain this metaphor further. What does he mean when he says he 'comes into court' - what does this metaphorically represent? Again, I know what you're referring to, but I'm not meant to do any of the work here :) Spell it out within your essay, and then I/your assessor will have no choice but to give you marks demonstrates the degradation of love and trust within the household as well as emotional suffering. This is directly linked to America’s McCarthyism, where allegations of “reds under the beds” eventually leads to broken relationships does it? How so? Hence political tension can degrade household politics. Structurally, the paragraph is pretty sound, but you could use a bit more evidence to support yourself. Resting your entire argument on a single character's outburst makes things a but unstable.
In Miller’s The Crucible, the political events of Salem and McCarthyism trials are represented, portraying the mass psychogenic disorder the people experienced. Thusillustrating the author illustrates... (another fragmented sentence here; same structure as before with the linking word + verb) the negative impact of individuals perceiving their own ideology as a result of a repressed theological society. Good ending.
Overall, a very strong discussion with some decent arguments - you seem to be really well-suited to a text like The Crucible with so many interesting socio-historical ties.
Essay structure was a clear highlight here with a good balance of 'zooming in' to closely examine evidence and 'zooming out' to comment on the broader significance of textual details, and you seemed to know what to do at the right moments. Just try to make sure your para conclusions are targeting the prompt as clearly as possible.
There were also a few instances when the connection between your examples and your ideas could've been made more obvious, and since this is a relatively short essay at the moment, you could also afford to add a few more examples in just to make your points a bit stronger.
& watch out for those fragmented sentences! Let me know if that explanation didn't make sense and I'm happy to clear up any uncertainties :)
In your response examine context, characterisation, theme, the process of analogy and allusion, motif, tone, structure, language, the use of drama as a political instrument. In your response, refer to The Crucible.
Political consequences can occur as a result of individuals pursuing their own ideology in a confining theological society. V. good opening sentence. You're talking about abstract ideas, but you're still doing so in a way that hints at the key notions in the prompt, which is awesome! This is represented in Arthur Miller’s 1953 drama, The Crucible which recounts the political event of the 17th Century Salem Witch Hunts. Miller uses the allegory of the town of Salem to criticise the 1950s, <-- no comma needed here American McCarthyism trials whereby individuals feared (keep the tense consistent; you're talking about an event in the '50s, so it's pretty safe to use past tense) blinded the people’s true intentions and morals.
The Crucible portrays through the Salem witch trials, that Okay, idea-wise, I get what you're conveying, but the sentence structure is a little bit weird here. First of all, the word 'portrays' is a great one for describing how an author presents evidence (e.g. 'Miller portrays the damage of Abigail's lies' or 'The playwright portrays the hysteria of the town') but you can't really use it in the context of portraying a message (e.g. 'Miller portrays that Abigail is a liar' or 'The playwright portrays that the town is hysterical' ~~both of those sound a little clunky.) If those last two sound okay to you, it's probably because your use of the word 'portrays' isn't quite aligned with the correct grammatical use of the word. To give you a clearer example of why this sounds odd, think of a word like 'argues.' You can say 'Miller argues that hysteria can be damaging,' but you can't say 'Miller argues the damage of hysteria' - it just doesn't sound right with that verb choice.
The other thing you've done here is split the sentence a bit, which can work well in some contexts, but isn't ideal in a topic sentence where you want to be prioritising clarity. So instead of saying (The author argues) (through this piece of evidence) (that this idea is true,) you instead want to get that middle bit outside the core of the sentence, and have it either at the beginning, like so: (Through this piece of evidence,) (the author argues) (this idea to be true) or at the end, as in: (The author argues) (this idea to be true,) (as seen in this piece of evidence.) To take the first one as an example, that would give us something more like 'Through the frenzy of the Salem witch trials, Miller suggests that mass hysteria can skew... etc.' Make sense? :) mass hysteria can skew an individual’s morals furthering political instability. Abigail, the antagonist,
a) make the grammar of the quote fit your sentence (which you've kind of done)
b) use square brackets to insert any words you need (which you've kind of done - just need to be squarer :P)
and
c) delete any words that need replacing.
So rather than saying 'she claims that "I [she] saw" something' --> you can instead just say --> 'she claims that "[she] saw" something,' which is way more grammatical than doubling up on pronouns by adding information but not deleting any saw…” you should probably fill in the blank here, even if you're not quoting. What is it that Abigail says she saw, exactly? (I know, and your teacher likely knows too, but you have to demonstrate that knowledge to the both of us), emphasising her blatant lying and rejection of Puritan morals. The hysterical fear of witches and supernatural events existing in Salem perpetuates Abigail’s lies, debunking Salem’s justice system demonstrated through the ironic stage direction ironic in what way? I like that you're going from an argumentative point about the thematic notion of hysteria into a discussion of evidence, but the link need to be a bit clearer here of Abigail’s “Ecstatic cries” as she condemns innocent people. This mirrors American 1950s McCarthyism, where suspected communists were blacklisted unless they named other people guilty of communistic views. As the curtain falls, morally strong-minded Rebecca Nurse is left alone on stage illustrating the moral weaknesses of other characters being swept up in the mass hallucination. Thus, highlighting SLIGHT TANGENT HERE --If you'll indulge this nerdy linguist for just a moment... what you've got here is an incomplete sentence, or more specifically, a FRAGMENTED SENTENCE
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/scatteredellipse/shock.gif)
...but it's okay! We can fix it!! First, let me explain what this means.
Every sentence has to have a 'thing' it's focusing on (known as the 'topic' or main noun of the sentence,) and then a 'thing' that happens (known as the action or main verb of a sentence.) There can be other information too, but that stuff has to be there and it has to be in that exact order of 'noun thing' + 'verb action.' That's why I can say something like:
My uncle went to the shops
but not:
Went my uncle to the shops.
You can begin a sentence with a verb, but it won't be the main verb of a sentence. For example:
Following my recent fight with my friend, she decided to ditch me.
^See how the 'focus' of the sentence is that she decided to do something, not that it 'followed my recent fight with her?' That's because all the other stuff is just optional, additional info. The core of the sentence is that main topic+action combination.
If a sentence is missing either its topic or its action, it's not a complete sentence (i.e. = a fragmented sentence.)
Now let's look at what you've written:
'Thus highlighting how the disorder can affect the community.'
(I'm simplifying the last bit, but you get the idea.)
So now that this is taken out of context, you might already be able to see how it feels a bit incomplete. That's because we've got the main verb of the sentence, 'highlighting,' but there's no main noun or topic! :O
Compare this to:
- This highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- Thus, the playwright highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- By highlighting how the disorder can affect the community, the author suggests that instability is dangerous
^Now we've got some complete sentences.
But the pattern of writing a linking word (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Thus...' 'Hence...' etc.) and a verb (eg. 'suggesting...' 'implying...' 'highlighting...') at the start of sentences is a very common trap for students, so keep an eye out for these kinds of sentences so you can remind yourself to stick a 'topic' in there before the verb, or else reword the sentence to make it more grammatical :) how the mass psychogenic disorder pervading through the community can destabilise and corrupt the community.
<link to previous discussion?>The minority becomes scapegoats in order to satisfy a corrupt individual’s thirst for political power. Abigail, in a desperate attempt to escape suspicion for “call(ing) the Devil”, targets Tituba, who is unable to defend herself properly due to her cultural and language barriers, displayed in
Political tension can cause domestic suffering and household politics to be altered. see above regarding linking paragraphs The setting of John’s house “is the low, dark, and rather long living- room of time”. The lighting of the Proctor household displays the tension present, reinforcing the diminishing of John’s power to maintain domestic peace. Good stuff! The fear of witches in Salem, no comma here inflicts pressure on John
In Miller’s The Crucible, the political events of Salem and McCarthyism trials are represented, portraying the mass psychogenic disorder the people experienced. Thus
Overall, a very strong discussion with some decent arguments - you seem to be really well-suited to a text like The Crucible with so many interesting socio-historical ties.
Essay structure was a clear highlight here with a good balance of 'zooming in' to closely examine evidence and 'zooming out' to comment on the broader significance of textual details, and you seemed to know what to do at the right moments. Just try to make sure your para conclusions are targeting the prompt as clearly as possible.
There were also a few instances when the connection between your examples and your ideas could've been made more obvious, and since this is a relatively short essay at the moment, you could also afford to add a few more examples in just to make your points a bit stronger.
& watch out for those fragmented sentences! Let me know if that explanation didn't make sense and I'm happy to clear up any uncertainties :)
Happy studying everyone!
Post by: brenden on February 16, 2016, 03:48:18 pm
snipYou're too gracious. I'll do standard and Extension 1 okies so don't do that just in case you were going to
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 17, 2016, 12:12:06 pm
Hope ya'll don't mind this VCE-er crashing your thread to scrawl in red all over your essays :3
Tis the least we can do for those aboard the AN bandwagon, especially people as helpful as yourself.
Comments in the spoiler :)Hey man, feel free to post redrafts and other essays here! There'll always be someone happy to help out. :)Spoiler“Discovery can affirm or challenge societal assumptions and beliefs about aspects of human experience and the world” How does this quote represent your own understanding of discovery? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your choosing.
Discovery – necessarily involving the overcoming of obstacles and recognition to greater human potentials –often challenges popular social assumptions through renewed perceptions towards the reality of remote circumstances and confronting human experiences. excellent opening sentence. This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: the Man who Made History (2004). This documentarywhich illustrates the magnificence and danger of Antarctica and the atrocity of World War I, hence depicting an alternative reality of these events for a contemporary audience. Similarly, Markus Zusak’s novel The Messenger I approve of this choice :D Awesome book (2002) affirms the social expectationssingular, since I believe you're just talking about the one here(?) that for teenagers, life can be unfulfilling but through determined actions and self-actualisation, expectation as in, our own expepctations? Or societal expectations? You could afford to be more specific here can be challenged and become more realistic. Overall, strong intro, and you've forged a decent link between the set texts.
Hurley’s far-reachinghuman<--bit redundant experience during the Shackleton Expedition challengesthesociety’s assumption of Antarctica being an unknown, lifeless and barren land through illustrating the continent’s magnificent force of nature. Excellent topic sentence. These paradigms are challenged synonym? This is the kind of word that's likely to come up often, so having some alternatives up your sleeve would be useful through Hurley’s iconic composite photography, stimulating new worlds and possibilities. The Shackleton voyage took place between 1914 and 1917 with the intention to cross Antarctica from pole to pole. The Polar historian, Steve Martin’s description of the exploration through the biblical imagery “place of the gods is taken … incredible forces of nature” depicts both the transcendent nature of the discovery which challenges the societal perception of Antarctica as a land of emptiness and insignificance. As an outcome of the Shackleton Voyage, Hurley reaches an epiphany and discovers that the extreme weather of Antarctica, the force of nature and his human encounters constitute to expression(??) Are you trying to say that these things combine to form valuable parts of his photography? If so, 'constitute' doesn't really fit the sentence here. If not, I'm not sure what you're saying exactly valuable components of his photography. This idea is expressed through Hurley’s metaphorical celebration of “something that was gold dust” which reflects the unexpected discovery of the fascinating world around him. So how do you know this discovery is valuable to him based on that quote? The connection might be obvious to you, but being even more explicit would be really good here (i.e. the fact that 'gold dust' implies fine, intrinsic value, etc.) Moreover, during the emotional interview with the daughters, the close-up shot of their mourning expression and the sobbing tone “how they found a place to camp is beyond me” this quote isn't really integrated properly. If I were to take out the quotation marks here, it wouldn't really be grammatical, which tells you that you need to do more to make this fir challenges the society’s unless you're going to specify a society (eg. 1970's America; contemporary Australia, the middle ages, etc.) it'd be better to just say 'society' in general assumption that mankind cannot exist in Antarctica and endureundersuch a harsh environment. Overall, the documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the timeless interaction between mankind and nature and how there is usually a re-evaluation of societal assumptions for a modern audience.
This is really nit-picky, but this sentence isn't really grammatical even though I know exactly what you're saying. Basically, we've got two core points here, and if we reverse the order, you'll see why they don't quite fit:
1. The documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature, and how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions. (~simplifying a bit here)
2. The documentary presents how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions and confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature. ???
If this sentence were grammatical, I should be able to swap these components around, and everything would be fine. See:
1. The documentary suggests that art is really cool, and that the audience should take up painting.
2. The documentary suggests that the audience should take up painting, and that art is really cool.
But because you've got the verb 'presents' here, which doesn't quite gel with the second constituent ('how there is usually a revaluation...') it makes the whole things sound just a little bit off.
Admittedly it's the kind of thing most assessors would just ignore and skim over, but tidying up these little syntactic inconsistencies can make a difference to your quality of writing overall.
The personal and historical ramifications of Hurley’s emotional and psychological try not to split hairs unecessarily; your first divide: 'personal and historical' is valid, but this second one is a tad redundant. Is there a difference between an emotional disclosure and a psychological one? disclosure of life’s fragility during World War I offered a transformed societal perception towards the recording of human atrocity. An example of these ramifications is revealed through Hurley’s daunting simile when he describes how the war is“It’slike passing through the Valley of Death for no-one knows when the shell will lob”. <-- notice how I've integrated that quote now such that if you removed the quotation marks, it'd still fit the sentence? This in conjunction with the photographs of dead mutilated soldier in mud presents the devastating nature of war and consequences of human destruction.HerebyHence,1900s society’sthe society of the 1900s' perception of war as a glorious eventof courage?is effectively subverted. The emotional and psychological discoverieshave ledlead to the transformation within Hurley, from an objective war correspondent to an artist who desires to convey his understanding of the heroism within the soldiers when facing the devastation of war. The unbearable circumstance he disclosed for himself, expression - I'm not sure what you mean by 'disclosed' in this context? as illustrated through the frightening military imagery of there being a body “every twenty paces or lesslay a body… covered with mud and slime” which has generated his intention to transcend the limitation of shots and create photographs. Consequently, through incorporating an extreme long shot to depict the vulnerability of the soldiers who are exposed under the attack of the planes, Hurley’s composite photograph portrays the soldiers’ courage in wars despite the observed danger. This effectively promotes a sense of heroism within them which cannot be achieved through factual photographs. Therefore, the power of composite imageries to illustrate the horrors of war challenges the importance of an objective analysis, signifying the importance of a subjective perspective to heighten the atrocity of war and confront the 1900s cultural belief of war as glorious. Freakin' awesome paragraph closer - there's not a thing about this I would change; you've done a great job zooming out after successfully building up your evidence over the previous sentences - great job!
Similarly, in The Messenger (2002), the protagonist Ed Kennedy subverts society’s assumptions towards underachieving teenagers through his transformative self-actualisation after accomplishing a series of confronting physicaldisclosuresokay, this word definitely doesn't fit here. What exactly are you referring to? Physical tasks/challenges?. This is illustrated through the juxtapositionbetweenin the representations of Ed in the establishing and final chapter. Preliminarily, Ed is displayed as an incompetent teenager whose doomed life simply involves cab driving and card games through the truncated sentences “No real career. No respect in the community. Nothing”. The repetition of “no” depicts a sense of hollowness in Ed’s life and affirms the assumption that real occupational world can be unfulfilling. EXCELLENT! You've got some quotes and metalanguage to describe what's going on in the text, but more impressively, you've been able to link this up with the intended meaning and overall significance!!! This is one of the best examples of this I've seen in an essay, and I've read a lot of essays :P Well done! However, his commencement on the Ace of Diamonds okay, I know what you're referring to because I've read the text, but if you said this to someone who hadn't you could understand how they might be confused. I think it's worth having maybe half a sentence of explanation about the significance of the different cards and notes just so your reader doesn't get lost herehas ledleads to discoveries of his hidden potentials, such as his ability to deal with the dilemma ontheEdgar Street, heal people’s scars with happiness and encourage others to achieve beyond their abilities. In addition, Ed’s alternative method to punish the rapist instead of killing him is a spiritual landmarksignificantindicative of Ed’s enlightenment. The symbolism of the trigger in the quote “A moment of peace shatters me and I pull the trigger” represents Ed’s transition from a mundane, 19-years-old taxi driver to a hero who is ambitious, helpful and competent. In the last chapter of The Messenger, the spiritually meaningful outcomes have led Edinto becomingto become (though the expression is a bit simple here; instead of 'led to become,' consider something like 'engenders' or 'induces him to become...') a totally different person. Through the short but powerful closing sentence “I am not the messenger. I am the message”, Ed challenges for a popular-culture audience the society’s ignorance towards underachieving teenagers should be more like 'Ed challenges the ignorance of popular culture and society towards underachieving teenagers' by revealing his power to positively impactuponother’s lives and his capability to achieve beyond his potential. Overall, try not to overuse this as a paragraph conclusion; there are lots of other linking words like 'thus...' and 'ultimately' which would also work here through Ed’s contributive achievements either 'contributions' or 'achievements' would be fine here which are outcomes of his renewed understanding of his values, societal assumptions towards human experiences are effectively challenged.
Overall see above, both texts effectively portray the immense power of discovery to transform an individual’s perception towards social beliefs about human experience and the world. Through Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History, contemporary responders are enlightened with Hurley’s passion as an artistic photographer and this challenges societal beliefs about these composite imageries as being merely commodities. Similarly, the ramifications of Ed’s unexpected self-discovery in The Messenger has significantly transformed his life and confronted societal assumptions towards underachieving teenagers. good, functional conclusion, but I think there's room for you to do more than just sum up your points here. Ultimately, you're not going to lose marks for ending on a note like this, but you're not going to be gaining any marks either, so it's kind of a missed opportunity. Instead, try to zoom out and say something about the nature of discovery using both of these texts as your springboard, so that you can end by looking at discover as a whole, rather than relating the prompt to both texts in isolation.
So, to sum up, there are some really standout moments of top quality analysis here, and you've clearly got a lot of confidence in talking about the texts.
I think you could certainly work on your comparative skills though; dealing with the texts in their own paragraphs is perfectly fine, and it means you can explore relevant ideas without having to constantly flip back and forth between each one, but if you never talk about them together until the final bit of the conclusion, it makes it seem as though there aren't many viable links between them.
This actually ties in with a bigger point about argumentation. You've argued a lot of awesome points about the connection between Hurley and the idea of discovery, but when dealing with 'The Messenger,' you seem to conclude on the idea of societal expectations as they pertain to teenagers/underachievers which, whilst valid, is a little bit limiting and doesn't really showcase your or the text's potential. Spending some time just forging links between your two texts and then building out to ideas about discovery would be really valuable, I think.
Look at it like this - if the aim of your discovery module is to serve me up a delicious chocolate cake, and you serve me up one plain vanilla sponge cake on one plate and a big block of chocolate on the other... I'm not going to be too happy. I mean, I'll eat them both... but it'll be under duress >:(
Instead, you should be aiming to produce an outcome which would not be possible with just some ingredients on their own. You can't make a chocolate cake with the ingredients for a vanilla sponge, nor can you make it with a block of chocolate alone. Your arguments about discovery should be like chocolate cake, and you need to combine BOTH texts to reach this goal.
So, if you're following my metaphor, what you've got at the moment is three paragraphs worth of delicious sponge cake, and one paragraph of tempting chocolate, but it's that final challenge of combination that you'll now have to reckon with. Don't compromise the quality of your analysis though, because that's clearly a strong point for you. But perhaps see if you could integrate a bit of each text into every paragraph, or at least have one of your bodies exploring some connections in more detail. That way, you'll be able to 'zoom out' and say things about discovery that wouldn't have otherwise been possible without the input of both textual reference points.
Other than that, really awesome job so far. Good luck with it all!
With regards to changing your texts, I'd definitely consult with your teacher further and see if she reckons your text is the kind of one you just need to deal with very carefully to make sure you're bringing those 'ambiguities' to the surface and explaining them clearly, or whether she thinks it's one that's better ditched and left alone because it'd be too much work.
I'm with you in that it seems to suit your discussion well and sheds some slightly different light on what would otherwise be a fairly straightforward discussion of certain facets of discovery, but perhaps this is your teacher's way of telling you 'you're going to have a tough time this year dealing with certain prompts and ideas,' so I'd probably give more credence to her opinion than mine :P Did you have any other texts in mind, or are there any particular texts you might consider? Ideally you'll be able to find one that deals with similar ideas in a less ambiguous way. Let me know what you're looking for and I might be able to suggest some.
@MemeKing, feedback below:SpoilerBody 1: Hurley
The mutability of truthrenders'means that' or 'makes' would be more accurate here. You've got enough complex words going on in this sentence, and 'renders' is not quite right (-it tends to be used in the context of 'eliminating all other options,' as in, 'My ATAR rendered me unable to attend university.' It's kind of like the verb 'left,' as in, 'She was left/rendered crying by the phone waiting for it to ring' if that makes sense?) discovery pivotal in order for us to appreciate otherwise ephemeral aspects of value. The subjective feature of truth is confronted in the composite nature of Hurley’s work. The notion that Hurley’s photographs are “amongst the most valuable ever taken” is a perspective that Nasht attempts to convey to his contemporary audience in Frank Hurley in order for us to discover aspects of value in his work that have been blurred by the ambiguity of truth. Hurley’s “concoctions” lie in him seeing “a gulf between what he saw and what he captured” and thus provokes his transition into being a “master of illusions”. Hurley’s “outright fakes” were attempted to be reconciled expression - this makes it sound like the fakes were trying to reconcile themselves ??? through Nasht’s quadtriptychs that endeavored to justify So this sentence is saying Hurley's fakes were reconciled through the quadtriptychs that tried to justify his "dalliance"? I'm a little lost here; what is the textual evidence demonstrating, exactly. At the moment, you're cramming a bit too much information into these sentences Hurley’s “dalliance with the truth”. This juxtapositionwasis --keep a consistent present tense when talking about things the author/director does edited through the documentary in order to demonstrate that by discovering Hurley’s intention behind these “grand illusions”,couldwe could then appreciate otherwise lost aspects of value. Nasht’sthenevocative zoom into the cyclical auction house emphasizing the “$100,000” portrays the value of his “forgotten work” that had now proved to be popular “in a world searching for hero’s no apostrophe here”. Thus, Nasht critiques the momentum of time expression that renders Hurley’s works “fake”, and thus conveys that only through discovery can we appreciate Hurley’s “grand illusions”.
Body 2: Hurley
Man’s continual pursuit for discovery manifests brings about? not sure what you're going for here the irony regarding human identity, allowing individuals to transcend their failures through art. Throughout Frank Hurley, Nasht portrays Hurley’s intellectual discoveries that ultimately catalyses his ability to perpetuate a desired self-image. This provokes the need to transcend himself past a “mere photographer,” utilizing his “elaborate concoctions” in order to attain a nirvana in which his fallacy of a “grand illusionist” may be adhered to. As Hurley discovered, he realized he could not “capture his works on a single frame”, and the frustrated tone of the narrator resonates with Hurley’s inherent failures that provokes him to seek alternative methods to let his work be known. Through this journey of self-discovery, Nasht portrays Hurley as a “tireless photographer” that sees his intellectual inability lead him through “drinking melting ice” and “eating raw seal meat” that slight repetition in sentence structure within this point conveys his seemingly endless journeys in attempting to discover what may make his work timeless. some great analysis going on here; this is much improved from your earlier drafts :) Nasht then reconciles the ephemeral existence of Hurley’s photographers through the title of “an inventor”, stating how Hurley is going to “make the photographers”. Nasht engages this with a montage of composite images in order to portray Hurley’s affiliation as an “inventor”, emphasizing his ability to transcend himself through “manipulations”. Although plagued by the momentum of time, Nasht demonstrates how Hurley’s intellectual discoveries can redefine his existence and transcend Hurley’s inherent inadequacies through art. V. good paragraph; watch out for expression errors, but other than that, good use of evidence.
Body 3: Black Swan [Relating Hurley’s Body 2]
Discovering the desire for perfectionexaminesinvolves an examination of the duality in human identity, implying that insanity is possible in a search for perfection, even death why does this imply insanity and death are possible? I'm not following the logic here. Aronofsky depicts man’s continual pursuit for discovery in Black Swan through the protagonist Nina’s transcendence into the “black swan” that leads her to surpass her failures. Nina’s goal is to dance both the roles of the “white” and “black” swan however she does not possess the “dark passion” required to “balance the opposing characters of good and evil”. In the light of this discovery, Aronofsky portrays the dichotomy of black and white in the film as a reoccurring motif that demonstrates the “corruption” slowly delving into the protagonists mind leading her further into insanity. The illusion that Nina experienced pulling a “feather” from her skin depicts her evolution as the metaphor portrays her transcendence to the “darkness” she needed for the “black swan”. Much like Hurley’s ability to transcend himself through his “elaborate concoctions”, Nina is finally able to transcend herself I love that there's an overt connection between the texts here, but to 'transcend oneself' isn't really the most accurate way to phrase this in the context of the plot in the final scene as she “bleeds black”, “killing herself” onstage inattemptsan attempt to achieve “perfection”. Through this scene, Aronofsky conveys that darkness was a cost from the plight for perfection that concluded with “suicidal death” and that Nina the “White swan” was metaphorically “set free” the more she discovered the “shadow within”. Hence, both Nasht’s and Aronofsky’s texts mutually explore the irony of human identity, portraying man’s pursuit to transcend their failures through art. Excellent para conclusion!
There's so much improvement here from your earlier pieces; the connection between evidence and ideas is way stronger, and it seems like there's greater clarity in your understanding of the set text, so well done. There were a few moments where your expression impeded clarity a bit and I couldn't quite work out what you were insinuating, so just keep an eye on your word choices (but again, keep varying your vocab so you can uncover these concerns - they're already getting less frequent, which is also a sign of improvement) & make sure you're not repeating vocab or sentence structures too much.
Let us know if you have any further questions! :)
@summerxyingshi, feedback below:SpoilerWhat are the individual political perspectives, ideas, events or situations of the community? How are these represented?
In your response examine context, characterisation, theme, the process of analogy and allusion, motif, tone, structure, language, the use of drama as a political instrument. In your response, refer to The Crucible.
Political consequences can occur as a result of individuals pursuing their own ideology in a confining theological society. V. good opening sentence. You're talking about abstract ideas, but you're still doing so in a way that hints at the key notions in the prompt, which is awesome! This is represented in Arthur Miller’s 1953 drama, The Crucible which recounts the political event of the 17th Century Salem Witch Hunts. Miller uses the allegory of the town of Salem to criticise the 1950s, <-- no comma needed here American McCarthyism trials whereby individuals feared (keep the tense consistent; you're talking about an event in the '50s, so it's pretty safe to use past tense) blinded the people’s true intentions and morals.
The Crucible portrays through the Salem witch trials, that Okay, idea-wise, I get what you're conveying, but the sentence structure is a little bit weird here. First of all, the word 'portrays' is a great one for describing how an author presents evidence (e.g. 'Miller portrays the damage of Abigail's lies' or 'The playwright portrays the hysteria of the town') but you can't really use it in the context of portraying a message (e.g. 'Miller portrays that Abigail is a liar' or 'The playwright portrays that the town is hysterical' ~~both of those sound a little clunky.) If those last two sound okay to you, it's probably because your use of the word 'portrays' isn't quite aligned with the correct grammatical use of the word. To give you a clearer example of why this sounds odd, think of a word like 'argues.' You can say 'Miller argues that hysteria can be damaging,' but you can't say 'Miller argues the damage of hysteria' - it just doesn't sound right with that verb choice.
The other thing you've done here is split the sentence a bit, which can work well in some contexts, but isn't ideal in a topic sentence where you want to be prioritising clarity. So instead of saying (The author argues) (through this piece of evidence) (that this idea is true,) you instead want to get that middle bit outside the core of the sentence, and have it either at the beginning, like so: (Through this piece of evidence,) (the author argues) (this idea to be true) or at the end, as in: (The author argues) (this idea to be true,) (as seen in this piece of evidence.) To take the first one as an example, that would give us something more like 'Through the frenzy of the Salem witch trials, Miller suggests that mass hysteria can skew... etc.' Make sense? :) mass hysteria can skew an individual’s morals furthering political instability. Abigail, the antagonist,repetitivelyreally minor thing, but 'repetitively' kind of means 'repeating something so often it becomes irritating,' as in, 'he repetitively asked me to buy him Maccas for lunch' whereas 'repeatedly' means 'doing something multiple times,' and it's this second definition that seems to fit the context better here claims that “I (she) when modifying quotes, the three rules you have to abide by are:
a) make the grammar of the quote fit your sentence (which you've kind of done)
b) use square brackets to insert any words you need (which you've kind of done - just need to be squarer :P)
and
c) delete any words that need replacing.
So rather than saying 'she claims that "I [she] saw" something' --> you can instead just say --> 'she claims that "[she] saw" something,' which is way more grammatical than doubling up on pronouns by adding information but not deleting any saw…” you should probably fill in the blank here, even if you're not quoting. What is it that Abigail says she saw, exactly? (I know, and your teacher likely knows too, but you have to demonstrate that knowledge to the both of us), emphasising her blatant lying and rejection of Puritan morals. The hysterical fear of witches and supernatural events existing in Salem perpetuates Abigail’s lies, debunking Salem’s justice system demonstrated through the ironic stage direction ironic in what way? I like that you're going from an argumentative point about the thematic notion of hysteria into a discussion of evidence, but the link need to be a bit clearer here of Abigail’s “Ecstatic cries” as she condemns innocent people. This mirrors American 1950s McCarthyism, where suspected communists were blacklisted unless they named other people guilty of communistic views. As the curtain falls, morally strong-minded Rebecca Nurse is left alone on stage illustrating the moral weaknesses of other characters being swept up in the mass hallucination. Thus, highlighting SLIGHT TANGENT HERE --If you'll indulge this nerdy linguist for just a moment... what you've got here is an incomplete sentence, or more specifically, a FRAGMENTED SENTENCE
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/scatteredellipse/shock.gif)
...but it's okay! We can fix it!! First, let me explain what this means.
Every sentence has to have a 'thing' it's focusing on (known as the 'topic' or main noun of the sentence,) and then a 'thing' that happens (known as the action or main verb of a sentence.) There can be other information too, but that stuff has to be there and it has to be in that exact order of 'noun thing' + 'verb action.' That's why I can say something like:
My uncle went to the shops
but not:
Went my uncle to the shops.
You can begin a sentence with a verb, but it won't be the main verb of a sentence. For example:
Following my recent fight with my friend, she decided to ditch me.
^See how the 'focus' of the sentence is that she decided to do something, not that it 'followed my recent fight with her?' That's because all the other stuff is just optional, additional info. The core of the sentence is that main topic+action combination.
If a sentence is missing either its topic or its action, it's not a complete sentence (i.e. = a fragmented sentence.)
Now let's look at what you've written:
'Thus highlighting how the disorder can affect the community.'
(I'm simplifying the last bit, but you get the idea.)
So now that this is taken out of context, you might already be able to see how it feels a bit incomplete. That's because we've got the main verb of the sentence, 'highlighting,' but there's no main noun or topic! :O
Compare this to:
- This highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- Thus, the playwright highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- By highlighting how the disorder can affect the community, the author suggests that instability is dangerous
^Now we've got some complete sentences.
But the pattern of writing a linking word (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Thus...' 'Hence...' etc.) and a verb (eg. 'suggesting...' 'implying...' 'highlighting...') at the start of sentences is a very common trap for students, so keep an eye out for these kinds of sentences so you can remind yourself to stick a 'topic' in there before the verb, or else reword the sentence to make it more grammatical :) how the mass psychogenic disorder pervading through the community can destabilise and corrupt the community.
<link to previous discussion?>The minority becomes scapegoats in order to satisfy a corrupt individual’s thirst for political power. Abigail, in a desperate attempt to escape suspicion for “call(ing) the Devil”, targets Tituba, who is unable to defend herself properly due to her cultural and language barriers, displayed inher syntacticthe syntax of her dialogue “I don’t compact with no devil”. The double negative paradoxically has Tituba confessing to her crime andbe‘scapegoated’ by Abigail’s ‘snowballing’ of lies. Miller alludes to the communist hunt in 1950s America whereby power hungry individual’s <-- no apostrophe here attack the minority through accusations of communism to further their political power slight repetition here: 'power hungry people seek to further political power; hence power is transferred to power hungry people' :P Some synonyms would help a lot. Hence, power is wrongly transferred word check - what do you mean by 'transferred?' Where is it transferred from? Who is transferring it? Not sure this is the right word to describe this concept to power hungry individuals with no interest for the community, causing justice to be manipulated and distorted.
Political tension can cause domestic suffering and household politics to be altered. see above regarding linking paragraphs The setting of John’s house “is the low, dark, and rather long living- room of time”. The lighting of the Proctor household displays the tension present, reinforcing the diminishing of John’s power to maintain domestic peace. Good stuff! The fear of witches in Salem, no comma here inflicts pressure on Johnandwith the tension present in the Proctor household resulting in his angry outburst that he “comes into court when I (he) comes home.” The metaphor you need to explain this metaphor further. What does he mean when he says he 'comes into court' - what does this metaphorically represent? Again, I know what you're referring to, but I'm not meant to do any of the work here :) Spell it out within your essay, and then I/your assessor will have no choice but to give you marks demonstrates the degradation of love and trust within the household as well as emotional suffering. This is directly linked to America’s McCarthyism, where allegations of “reds under the beds” eventually leads to broken relationships does it? How so? Hence political tension can degrade household politics. Structurally, the paragraph is pretty sound, but you could use a bit more evidence to support yourself. Resting your entire argument on a single character's outburst makes things a but unstable.
In Miller’s The Crucible, the political events of Salem and McCarthyism trials are represented, portraying the mass psychogenic disorder the people experienced. Thusillustratingthe author illustrates... (another fragmented sentence here; same structure as before with the linking word + verb) the negative impact of individuals perceiving their own ideology as a result of a repressed theological society. Good ending.
Overall, a very strong discussion with some decent arguments - you seem to be really well-suited to a text like The Crucible with so many interesting socio-historical ties.
Essay structure was a clear highlight here with a good balance of 'zooming in' to closely examine evidence and 'zooming out' to comment on the broader significance of textual details, and you seemed to know what to do at the right moments. Just try to make sure your para conclusions are targeting the prompt as clearly as possible.
There were also a few instances when the connection between your examples and your ideas could've been made more obvious, and since this is a relatively short essay at the moment, you could also afford to add a few more examples in just to make your points a bit stronger.
& watch out for those fragmented sentences! Let me know if that explanation didn't make sense and I'm happy to clear up any uncertainties :)
Happy studying everyone!
Hey Lauren:
May I please just say, that my teacher would have never given me these precious feedbacks that you have given me in such great detail. I really really appreciate this because it tells me exactly what I need to improve on for each part. It must have taken you an incredible amount of time to mark my essay and I just cant express how to grateful I am towards this. Thank you Lauren for making it so easy for me to understand my flaws!!!!
Best Regards
Happy Physics Land
Post by: achelray on February 18, 2016, 11:55:48 pm
It is through Eliot’s rhetoric we better understand the human mind.
Eliot’s rhetoric allows readers to further grasp and shape their comprehension of context. In doing so, Eliot aids readers in gaining a better understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. Works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ explore the themes of emotions, internal isolation, rise of urbanisation and its consequences. Each poem engendered within a vast, distinct context, contributing to a stronger understanding of how Eliot utilises time and place in his poetry to shape the reader's’ understanding of context.
The context sets the tone for the reader. Eliot’s works are known to stir a morbid, depressed feeling within readers. This is due to the reality Eliot explores through urban lifestyle and how it adds to the meaninglessness of life within society. ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, said to be the first poem Eliot wrote in 1910-1911, explores the internal isolation and instillment of inferiority through the soliloquy of the persona adopted by Prufrock in a society that does not notice him. Although the title ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ suggests and expresses a romantic aura in accordance with the noun “love”, Eliot ironically relates nothing to the euphoric, giddy, nervous feeling of “love”. This in turn portrays to the audience that there is a possibility he is too shy to speak openly and freely, although Eliot portrays Prufrock as a recreant figure. Contrary to his faintheart, there were moments when he nearly overcomes his immense fear of rejection when he rhetorically asks, “Do I dare?”. However, although acknowledging the women, he is being entranced by trivial pleasures like coffee and peaches that the audience is led to believe whether or not he truly is in love or if it is just attraction or lust. As pointed out by critic Mutlu Konuk Blasing, “The poem is a dramatic monologue a mimesis of speech…”, further frames the persona of Prufrock and his internal isolation and instillment of inferiority through the perpetual context of a meaningless society. Eliot explores through the persona of Prufrock an emotionally detached personality as seen in the lines of, “In the room the women come and go/ Talking of Michelangelo.” This starts the process of which Prufrock starts to feel intimidated adding to the fusion of emotion as stated by Eliot himself in his essay ‘Tradition and the Individual Talent’ in which the context of an ordinary modern man experiences inferiority and faces despair of life as he is not a “Michelangelo”. The quote “For I have known the eyes already, known them all-/ The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,” further exploits the persona’s confidence diminishing having being surrounded by women who do not cast a single glance his way. Prufrock asking rhetorical questions, “To wonder, ‘Do I date?’” and “Do I dare?”, reinforces the idea of the internal isolation he is experiencing to the audience in his soliloquy. Thus reestablishes the internal state of inferiority which sets the morbid tone underpinning the context of when urban life highlighted the meaningless of life in society.
‘Preludes’, the title can be viewed by the audience as ironic, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ as it creates expectations about the poem’s contents that are not fulfilled. The context of Eliot's Preludes conveys the mundane and repetitive nature of lives in the modern, urban world. The poem itself consists of four descriptions of urban life at different times of the day. Within this day the dreariness and futility of human existence is highlighted. One critic in particular, J.Hillis Miller stated, “Space must be exterior to the self if movement through it is to be more than the following of a tedious argument in the mind.” which accentuates the mind and how Eliot explores the mind in the human existence through his poems. The first prelude “evening settles down” depicts a rainy, windswept evening that seems to educe that dreary feel of the day's end, especially with the imagery of strewn newspapers as leftover, unwanted rubbish. The monotonous rain beating down together along with the rhymes “passageways - days”, “wraps - scraps” and “lots -pots” where the repetitive 's' endings adds a sense of dullness and weariness to the prelude. The broad descriptive language accurately assists the audience in comprehending and shaping their understanding of context. The start of the third prelude portrays the dark early hours of the morning. In this section of the poem the persona begins to use 'you' in an almost authoritative tone. "You" in such a context, depicts one of the many “lifeless” people living in this hollowness society. As stated by T.S Eliot himself, “It may be formed out of one emotion, or may be a combination of several; and various feelings, inhering for the writer in particular words or phrases or images, may be added to compose the final result.”, which prominently addresses the consequences of urbanisation and therefore allows the audience to assemble a refined understanding of context and how it aids their understanding of tone within poetry.
Eliot’s works do not stray far from the inevitable timelessness that enables readers to understand a modern context. The poem ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ explores themes of isolation and meaninglessness in society through the emotions of a single person. His journey involves going through a cross of reality and imagination as seen in, “Dissolve the floors of memory” disintegrating reality from hallucinations of the mind. As time goes by the person gets closer and closer to their breaking point expressed in the simile, “Beats like a fatalistic drum,” adding to the suspense of the inevitability of the person’s fate. Eliot successfully writes of events that the audience can relate to therefore instituting a greater understanding of context as it is easily relatable. The audience therefore gain a better understanding of poetry in the modern context as familiar emotions experienced by individuals are adopted by Eliot to bring to life “a new art emotion”. Critic Charles Altieri from the Department of English at UC Berkeley, states, “Eliot experimented with modes of presenting and projecting desire more immediate and also more inherently social than the culturally dominant modes of linking affects to causal narratives. And in doing that he developed an abstract modern imaginative space radically new for English poetry.” which in turn enhanced the chance of the audience to read and reshape their understanding of a modern context. Throughout the poem, the lamp becomes known as the medium into which Eliot uses to reflect and represent what the person is thinking. “The street lamp sputtered,/ The street lamp muttered,” symbolises one losing their mind as their internal mind gears are “sputtering” and “muttering” also symbolising being overworked, almost as if it were weary and tired. However when repeated in stanza five, it is almost as if the lamp is becoming less easier to hear, coinciding with the fact that the person may be regaining consciousness and coming back to reality. This relates to the feeling of despair of life as the person who wandered the streets alone lead nowhere but where they started in which they finally reach a breaking point with their conjured emotions. This then exposes the audience to embrace and relate to a modern context which explores time and place within Eliot’s work.
In contrast to ‘Rhapsody on a Windy night’, ‘Hollow men’ has more biblical and historical references. However, both are similar in that emotion is essentially a key concept within both poems. As explained in T.S Eliot’s essay, “The experience you will notice, the elements which enter the presence of the transforming catalyst, are of two kinds: emotions and feelings.” The poem, ‘Hollow men’ brings to life religion through aspects of biblical references and epigraphs of other texts. This adds to the timelessness of Eliot’s poems as he adopts excerpts from other texts in doing so creates a piece of work that the audience is able to form an understanding of a modern context. ‘Hollow men’ explores the experience of being a part of the world as seen in, “Let me also wear/ Such deliberate disguises” as it symbolises the world as broken therefore ultimately links to despair about life as their hope is nothing but metaphorically “a fading star.” This loss of hope symbolises a religious allusion and reflects Jesus’ light as a sign of hope for the “Hollow men”. The audience can relate to this in their modern context as Eliot never fails to include familiar experiences to ensure they are able to fully understand. Essentially comparing the “empty men” to scarecrows as when they both burn, they end up as nothing but ashes - no different from each other which adds to the hollowness of the “hollow men”. In describing the men, the earth has also been described as a “hollow valley” as symbolised through the words, “prickly pear” reflecting the unsterile, waste, barren land. As critic Altieri explains, “his formal and thematic elements are woven into specific emotional configurations explored within the work,”. This reflects Eliot’s essay on ‘Tradition and the Individual talent’ as he states, “It may be formed out of one emotion or may be a combination of several, and various feelings controlled through our minds, inhering for the writer in particular words or phrases or images, may be added to compose the final result.”. Therefore successfully incorporates experiences and emotions of the audience, exploring how time and place are used by Eliot to form an understanding of context.
The timeless works of Eliot allows readers to further comprehend and shape their understanding of context. Thus, the audience can successfully embrace an insightful, informative and broad understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. This can be seen in works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ that explore the themes of internal isolation, rise of urbanisation and its consequences and emotions. Each poem dispenses a deep understanding of how time and place are used to shape a reader’s understanding of context.
Post by: gabriellav on February 20, 2016, 07:29:08 pm
Post by: brenden on February 20, 2016, 09:13:35 pm
snip
snip
snipa note to bangali and lauren - these r mine ok thx
Post by: literally lauren on February 21, 2016, 12:33:01 pm
a note to bangali and lauren - these r mine ok thxWell I do not respect the laws of dibs if I've already started marking stuff, and I was halfway through when I saw this, so fight me.
I'll just direct any complaints we get about giving too much feedback to you, okay?
Feedback for diiiiiiiii:
Spoiler
How has your appreciation of Pride and Prejudice been reshaped by the connections you have made with Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen?
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context excellent opening sentence - this is nice and adaptable. Thus this is a great linking word, but stuff like 'thus'/'therefore'/'hence' work better towards the ends of paragraphs since they've got that 'summing-up' vibe about them. It seems a bit odd to have the very second sentence of your piece be a summative sounding sentence because of that linking word; basically try not to make it seem like you're drawing conclusions so soon. The intro is just for setting up ideas, so as much as I approve of your wanting to link sentences together, perhaps do so with a phrase like 'to this end' or 'accordingly' if you must, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s Regency social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813) and Fay Weldon’s postmodern epistolary novel Letters to Alice (1993) do you have to put the years here? That seems unnecessary to me, but perhaps your teacher prefers it as a genre convention or something. Otherwise, great quick descriptions of the two texts, demonstrates how the transition in context from 18th C make sure you write out the word 'century' here; don't just put 'C' Regency England to 20th C postmodern society engenders distinct values and attitudes. Nonetheless, in light of shared authorial desire to examine attitudes towards marriage and theories of moral education, a comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to reshape and enrich appreciations of both texts. Great intro overall; you've set up a good, broad focus that'll let you flesh things out later, and you haven't focused too much on one text at the expense of another. Really awesome start!
Austen’s examination of relationships in Pride and Prejudice, supplemented by Weldon’s scrutiny of Regency feminist and post-feminist concerns, heightensthe reader’s readers' (since you're talking about two texts here, it seems more grammatically natural to have the plural possessive) appreciation of contextual and authorial values regarding the institution of marriage. Critical of restrictions including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial autonomy, Austen condemns the economic imperative behind marriage and conversely endorses relationships founded on love and rationality very well constructed sentence; just try not to overdo this format where you have a phrase describing what the author does, followed by the name and main part of the sentence (e.g. 'Censuring the the patriarchal hegemony, Austen portrays her heroines as quietly determined and admirable...') Using it in moderation is good, but it can be temporarily confusing for your reader, which could be reflected in your mark if it's a persistent issue. ie. compare the previous sentence with: 'Austen censures the patriarchal hegemony by portraying her heroines as... etc.' <-- This one is a lot easier to read, even though they're both technically grammatical. However, through authorial intrusion I'm not sure intrusion is an appropriate word here given that it's Austen's text - how is it that she's intruding in her own novel?, Austen acknowledges the essentiality not a very common word. 'Necessity' would sound better here of mercenary unions for middle class women within her patriarchal society, with marriage being “the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune”. Employing the foil of Charlotte Lucas and Elizabeth Bennett, who subverts convention by seeking to marry on her “own terms”, Austen exposes and challenges the values underpinning the fabric of her society good link between textual evidence and authorial intent here, but what values is Austen challenging here, exactly? Specificity is always favoured in cases like these, so zooming in on particular concerns (eg. 'values of marriage and domesticity' or 'assumptions about the role of women and gendered limitations') would be a good idea. Charlotte’s pragmatic disposition, revealed through the matter-of-fact tone in her decree that “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”, emphasises her alignment with social conventions in marrying Mr Collins out of practicality “for the sole disinterested desire of an establishment” instead of a “general similarity of feeling and taste”. In response, Elizabeth’s emotive exclamatory comment “In every view it is unaccountable!” try to contextualise this quote a bit more - I'm not too sure what she's referring to here. What is 'it' in this sentence? I can infer from context, but it's not made clear in your writing which means, if I'm your assessor, I can't give you credit for it enables Austen to critique the reality of marital opportunities of her context as in, her social context? or within the context of the novel?, implicitly challenging the conventions which suppressed female autonomy in marriage. Reflecting the sentiment of contemporary thinker Mary Wollstonecraft - namely that marriages were a social contracts between two individuals - Austen employs the relationship of Elizabeth and Darcy to exemplify the ideal balance of reason and romance in marriage So we're a few sentences in, and I'm already starting to notice patterns in your sentence structure. This isn't a big deal as what you're writing is still mostly grammatical, but varying your syntax to the point where even a grammar nerd like me wouldn't notice the repetition would mean that the assessors would have no chance to find fault with the quality of your writing. I'm actually quite a fan of the structure you're using here (fun fact: it's called 'Left Dislocation' because you're taking a phrase out of the sentence and sticking it out the front (or the 'leftmost' point of the sentence) as a bit of a preamble, ie. 'Challenging the traditional notions of femininity, Austen employs a series of parallels within her novel' as opposed to 'Austen employs a series of parallels within her novel, challenging traditional notions of femininity') but overuse can make this stand out a bit too much, and you want your marker to be able to focus on the content as easily as possible, so the more frequent your repetition or vocabulary issues, the more likely they are to be pulled out of the flow of your essay. Upon accepting Mr Darcy’s proposal, Elizabeth’s use of superlatives in “I am the happiest creature in the world” superlative declaration that she is "the happiest creature in the world" (- try not to use the word 'in...' prior to introducing quotes as a means of integration. Instead, make the quote fit your sentence to the point where, if I were to take the quotation marks away, everything would still flow perfectly well) implies Austen’s approval of the values in such a union. Thus, Austen in her critique of mercenary relationships radically advocates for marriages founded on love and rationality. So what is it about Darcy & Elizabeth's relationship that Austen approves of? You've stated that Elizabeth is happy and that Austen clearly affords her that happiness as a kind of reward for her good character, but why is this relationship one of love and rationality? That last part hasn't been made clear in this paragraph. Other than that, this is an excellent argument that's well-supported.
Linking phrase would be good here; even if it were as simple as 'Likewise...' or 'Contrarily...' In Letters to Alice, Weldon adopts a New Historicist approach to reappraise the fundamental significance of marriage in the Regency Period, reflecting upon the reality of modern female emancipation and marital opportunities awesome work! I love the clarity of these topic sentences; they set out your argument beautifully without giving your whole discussion away too early. Influenced by the writings of feminist Betty Freidan, whose revolutionary manifesto “the Feminine Mystique” helped facilitate second wave feminism in the 1980s, Weldon affirms a shift in societal values away from the necessity of marriage for women and thus explores the greater autonomy afforded to women by...?/in...? Where or when has this autonomy come in . As such, Weldon denigrates the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff of our women’s magazines...[with] (you have to juxtapose something with something else, so I'm assuming that's what you meant here?) the stuff of their life”, whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to a trivial obligation within the postmodern context excellent close analysis!!. However, by illustrating the constraints of primogeniture and conditions under which women lived through the factual detail that “only 30%...married” in the Regency era contextualise this quote. Where in the text does it come from? Rather than just saying the author demonstrates something through "this evidence," try and say something about where that evidence has come from, Weldon enriches an understanding of Mrs Bennett’s “anxiety for her five unmarried daughters”. Whilst Austen constructs the caricature of Mrs Bennett, “a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper” to satirise the values of her time, Weldon’s intertextual reference vindicates Mrs Bennett as “the only one with the slightest notion of the sheer desperation of the world”. Awesome job with this. I was waiting for a 'Whist Text A does X, Text B instead does Y' kind of sentence, and you've given me exactly that :) You've shown a great insight into the kinds of important discrepancies that exist here. Furthermore, Weldon encourages a reconsideration of Charlotte’s entry into marriage, employing the rhetorical question “are we to disapprove?” to highlight the reality of disenfranchised women in contemporary society, connecting the synchronic concerns of both contexts bit lost here - are you saying this has relevance for both Austen's and a modern day's audience? Which two contexts are being examined here? Stating try to go for a more descriptive word than 'states'/'stating' the analogy “now the pretty girl from Java marries the rancher from Australia...to escape hunger and poverty”, Weldon echoes Austen’s concerns, laying bare the paradox of having advanced so far in women’s rights, yet, in some parts of the world having gained so little. Through connections with Pride and Prejudice, Weldon heightens an appreciation forPride and Prejudice the source text by reshaping good work on using this word where appropriate without overusing it. A lot of people will either ignore the prompt's key words, or will use them to the point where they become meaningless. Here you've established what 'reshaping' actually means within the context of the societal regard for marriage, so this is much safer an understanding of Regency values regarding marriage.
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education as essential for moral and intellectual development another solid topic sentence, and I like that you've demarcated a clearly comparative paragraph rather than doing the 1-2-1-2 structure. In Pride and Prejudice, Austen criticises the ineffectual education imposed upon Georgian women, circumscribed by an/the expectation to pursue superficial ‘accomplishments’ in order to attract a marriage partner. Through cumulative listing in Caroline Bingley’s depiction of the accomplished woman whom she declares must have “a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing” quote integration is much better here. Point of interest: this is also an example of asyndeton, which is a kind of listing where there are no conjunctions (e.g. kitchen, bathroom, garage, wardrobe) in contrast to polysyndeton, which is where there are conjunctions separating each article in the list (e.g. kitchen and the bathroom and the garage and the wardrobe.) Funnily enough, the effect is the same in either instance, i.e. implying accumulation and copiousness, Austen exposes how women have been suppressed by societal expectations to adopt ornamental roles. Austen’s criticisms of such traditional yet ineffectual modes of education, in failing to facilitate intellectual improvement, is extended to the use of conduct books, exemplified through the/her (there seem to be quite a few instances where you'll leave out words like 'a/the/her,' which isn't a massive problem for clarity, but can sound a bit odd when it's a persistent issue) allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons. To this end, she constructs the caricature of Mary I know this probably wasn't your intention, but this is the kind of thing that would make a VCE assessor kiss the page in delight. They (incl. HSC markers, based on the syllabus outline) are quite a fan of students who are able to acknowledge the text as a construct, and reflect this knowledge in their analysis of what the author does, not just what the characters in the text do. This is all really good analysis in this para, too. who constantly “copies out extracts”, yet ironically “had not the words” to add to a discussion v good quote integration. Despite her reputation as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood”, Mary’s prolific study of traditional didactic texts is disparaged by Austen asfailing something which fails to instill in her the capacity to think independently. As such, Austen advocates for Elizabeth’s unorthodox and independent education, elucidated through self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention” Darcy’s letter. In contrast to the stagnant characters of Caroline and Mary, Elizabeth’s process of introspection culminates in moral growth, illustrated by the epiphany “Till this moment which moment is this? I know what you're getting at, and your assessor likely will too, but if your evidence is solely comprised of language which is taken out of context, a super fussy marker might penalise you for not making the connection clear I never knew myself”, reflecting the value of epistemological development promulgated by Regency philosopher John Locke this might sound silly, but be more specific here :P This link is valid, but you need to flesh it out a bit because at the moment, it kind of reads like saying "Austen's heroine exemplifies the ideals of J. R. Firth's semiotic theory"... that might be accurate, but just saying there's a link doesn't really qualify as analysis unless I specify what J. R. Firth's semiotic theory is. So in this case, what kind of epistemological development of Locke's are you discussing here? Employing the textual form of the didactic novel, Austen subtly enlightens readers on as to the significance of life experience and moral growth as the most valuable forms of education. Good concluding line. I'm not sure the notion of morality was a huge focus here, but your final point still feels valid to me nonetheless.
^Link?-->Weldon in Letters to Alice promulgates the attainment of experience through literature as conducive to the improvement of mind and morality, reshaping and affirming Austen’s endorsement of an effectual education to engender a renewed appreciation of Pride and Prejudice I'm an infamous advocate for good vocabulary, and this sentence is great, but it's edging close to that boundary where decent expression slips into verbose obfuscation ;) The rest of your essay tells me your quality of writing is pretty high level anyway, so this wouldn't come across as you just churning out some 'big' words to impress the assessor - I know what you're saying here, and I know that you know what you're saying here - but you want to try and play things fairly safe, so try to minimise these idea-heavy-and-expression-dense sentences. You don't have to cut them our entirely, and the balance you've struck in this essay is totally fine, but I'm just flagging this so you know to take care not to bog down your piece. Alluding to the socio-political turbulence of 1980’s, characterised by the cold war and radical feminist movements, Weldon’s hyperbolic description of a “world in crisis...future catastrophic” stresses the necessity for a broader understanding of society how so? With most of your other evidence the explanation is made clear, but in this case, how is it that this hyperbole could lead one to conclude that we need to better understand society and our own morals? and moral compass for individuals. As such, Weldon implores her fictional niece to read “Literature with a capital L”, employing the epistolary textual form to explicitly address the reader how is the language accomplishing this? And do you meant to say that the genre of letter writing is what's conveying the message to the audience directly? I'm not sure what your point is here, whilst reshaping Austen’s values of moral development to the postmodern context. The extended metaphor of the “City of Invention” emphasises thetimeless maybe say 'inherrent' here, just to avoid the repetition with 'time' value of literature and its ability to transcend time, and as such provides the diachronic experience of “new” and “old” ways to further moral and intellectual growth. Through evocative imagery of the city as “brilliant...illuminated...pinnacles”, Weldon elevates the world of literature as illuminating to the mind, with the capacity for reading to expression is getting a little muddled here figuratively “stretch our sensibilities and our understandings”. In doing so, Weldon echoes Austen’s values, exemplified by Darcy’s didactic assertion that an individual “must yet add ... the improvement of ... mind by extensive reading”. Similar to Austen’s repudiation of traditional education as ineffectual, Weldon is satirically dismissive of institutionalised education, depicted by her parody of exam and essay rubrics “’People are getting nastier, society nicer’: Discuss”. this quote isn't integrated into the sentence. Instead, Weldon advocates the literary canon as a source of intellectual development, viewing experience as inherently linked to literature and in doing so reshapes Austen’s values on moral growth okay, I'm with you right up until this final point. Where's the connection between Weldon's extolling of literature and the reshaping of Austen's concept of morality?
Despite contextual disparities, Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice undertake parallel explorations of the values underpinning the marriage institution and the significance of moral and intellectual development. By providing new insights into Austen’s novel, Weldon concurrently enriches an understanding of Austen’s context and thus enhances an appreciation for Pride and Prejudice. This is a competent wrap-up, but I can't help but feel it lets you down given the high quality of everything else here. Your conclusion is your final chance to solidify that good impression, so ending on a plain-but-sufficient sentiment isn't quite as advantageous as ending on a really high note. Perhaps tease out some more ideas that stem from the differences between these two texts, as contrast tends to be the best starting point for more complex ideas.
Despite the fact that I've scribbled all over this, I had to try really hard to find faults in your analysis. For the most part, your arguments, analysis, and expression were really on-point, and you clearly know your texts well.
A few minor points: all the sentences highlighted in blue were examples of a certain sentence structure which stood out a bit, so taking one of these and brainstorming some alternate patterns to use should help you circumvent this problem fairly easily.
eg. instead of 'Challenging readers' values, Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character'
--> Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character in order to challenge readers' values.
--> Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character, thereby challenging readers' values.
--> In order to challenge readers values, Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character.
--> Austen's presentation of Mr. Darcy as an important character challenges readers' values.
--> That Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character challenges readers' values.
etc.
Also, you could use a few smoother paragraph transitions just to make sure your essay flows nicely. A few words at the start can make all the difference when an assessor is mentally preparing for your next sub-point. And on that note, try to make sure the final line in each paragraph is building from what you have established through your analysis and discussion. Most of the ones you've got here are totally fine, but at times it felt like you were drawing conclusions that hadn't been fully substantiated, so just keep an eye on that.
With regards to what should be cut, I'd say simplifying some of the more complex sentences should do it, and perhaps you could edit out the sentences at the start of your first B.P. (ie. the stuff on "authorial intrusion") but I really wouldn't change much. If you really have to make cuts for time, then you could always just cherry pick the best parts of your fourth paragraph and redistribute them into the other three. It doesn't have to be the chronologically fourth one you've written here, but just take the general gist of one of them and split the important bits off to form a three paragraph essay with slightly longer paragraphs.
Other than that, this is a really impressive piece with a bunch of good analysis, so play to your strengths and make sure those interpretive sentiments are made clear and concise in future pieces :)
Awesome job!
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context excellent opening sentence - this is nice and adaptable. Thus this is a great linking word, but stuff like 'thus'/'therefore'/'hence' work better towards the ends of paragraphs since they've got that 'summing-up' vibe about them. It seems a bit odd to have the very second sentence of your piece be a summative sounding sentence because of that linking word; basically try not to make it seem like you're drawing conclusions so soon. The intro is just for setting up ideas, so as much as I approve of your wanting to link sentences together, perhaps do so with a phrase like 'to this end' or 'accordingly' if you must, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s Regency social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813) and Fay Weldon’s postmodern epistolary novel Letters to Alice (1993) do you have to put the years here? That seems unnecessary to me, but perhaps your teacher prefers it as a genre convention or something. Otherwise, great quick descriptions of the two texts, demonstrates how the transition in context from 18th C make sure you write out the word 'century' here; don't just put 'C' Regency England to 20th C postmodern society engenders distinct values and attitudes. Nonetheless, in light of shared authorial desire to examine attitudes towards marriage and theories of moral education, a comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to reshape and enrich appreciations of both texts. Great intro overall; you've set up a good, broad focus that'll let you flesh things out later, and you haven't focused too much on one text at the expense of another. Really awesome start!
Austen’s examination of relationships in Pride and Prejudice, supplemented by Weldon’s scrutiny of Regency feminist and post-feminist concerns, heightens
Linking phrase would be good here; even if it were as simple as 'Likewise...' or 'Contrarily...' In Letters to Alice, Weldon adopts a New Historicist approach to reappraise the fundamental significance of marriage in the Regency Period, reflecting upon the reality of modern female emancipation and marital opportunities awesome work! I love the clarity of these topic sentences; they set out your argument beautifully without giving your whole discussion away too early. Influenced by the writings of feminist Betty Freidan, whose revolutionary manifesto “the Feminine Mystique” helped facilitate second wave feminism in the 1980s, Weldon affirms a shift in societal values away from the necessity of marriage for women and thus explores the greater autonomy afforded to women by...?/in...? Where or when has this autonomy come in . As such, Weldon denigrates the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff of our women’s magazines...[with] (you have to juxtapose something with something else, so I'm assuming that's what you meant here?) the stuff of their life”, whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to a trivial obligation within the postmodern context excellent close analysis!!. However, by illustrating the constraints of primogeniture and conditions under which women lived through the factual detail that “only 30%...married” in the Regency era contextualise this quote. Where in the text does it come from? Rather than just saying the author demonstrates something through "this evidence," try and say something about where that evidence has come from, Weldon enriches an understanding of Mrs Bennett’s “anxiety for her five unmarried daughters”. Whilst Austen constructs the caricature of Mrs Bennett, “a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper” to satirise the values of her time, Weldon’s intertextual reference vindicates Mrs Bennett as “the only one with the slightest notion of the sheer desperation of the world”. Awesome job with this. I was waiting for a 'Whist Text A does X, Text B instead does Y' kind of sentence, and you've given me exactly that :) You've shown a great insight into the kinds of important discrepancies that exist here. Furthermore, Weldon encourages a reconsideration of Charlotte’s entry into marriage, employing the rhetorical question “are we to disapprove?” to highlight the reality of disenfranchised women in contemporary society, connecting the synchronic concerns of both contexts bit lost here - are you saying this has relevance for both Austen's and a modern day's audience? Which two contexts are being examined here? Stating try to go for a more descriptive word than 'states'/'stating' the analogy “now the pretty girl from Java marries the rancher from Australia...to escape hunger and poverty”, Weldon echoes Austen’s concerns, laying bare the paradox of having advanced so far in women’s rights, yet, in some parts of the world having gained so little. Through connections with Pride and Prejudice, Weldon heightens an appreciation for
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education as essential for moral and intellectual development another solid topic sentence, and I like that you've demarcated a clearly comparative paragraph rather than doing the 1-2-1-2 structure. In Pride and Prejudice, Austen criticises the ineffectual education imposed upon Georgian women, circumscribed by an/the expectation to pursue superficial ‘accomplishments’ in order to attract a marriage partner. Through cumulative listing in Caroline Bingley’s depiction of the accomplished woman whom she declares must have “a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing” quote integration is much better here. Point of interest: this is also an example of asyndeton, which is a kind of listing where there are no conjunctions (e.g. kitchen, bathroom, garage, wardrobe) in contrast to polysyndeton, which is where there are conjunctions separating each article in the list (e.g. kitchen and the bathroom and the garage and the wardrobe.) Funnily enough, the effect is the same in either instance, i.e. implying accumulation and copiousness, Austen exposes how women have been suppressed by societal expectations to adopt ornamental roles. Austen’s criticisms of such traditional yet ineffectual modes of education, in failing to facilitate intellectual improvement, is extended to the use of conduct books, exemplified through the/her (there seem to be quite a few instances where you'll leave out words like 'a/the/her,' which isn't a massive problem for clarity, but can sound a bit odd when it's a persistent issue) allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons. To this end, she constructs the caricature of Mary I know this probably wasn't your intention, but this is the kind of thing that would make a VCE assessor kiss the page in delight. They (incl. HSC markers, based on the syllabus outline) are quite a fan of students who are able to acknowledge the text as a construct, and reflect this knowledge in their analysis of what the author does, not just what the characters in the text do. This is all really good analysis in this para, too. who constantly “copies out extracts”, yet ironically “had not the words” to add to a discussion v good quote integration. Despite her reputation as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood”, Mary’s prolific study of traditional didactic texts is disparaged by Austen as
^Link?-->Weldon in Letters to Alice promulgates the attainment of experience through literature as conducive to the improvement of mind and morality, reshaping and affirming Austen’s endorsement of an effectual education to engender a renewed appreciation of Pride and Prejudice I'm an infamous advocate for good vocabulary, and this sentence is great, but it's edging close to that boundary where decent expression slips into verbose obfuscation ;) The rest of your essay tells me your quality of writing is pretty high level anyway, so this wouldn't come across as you just churning out some 'big' words to impress the assessor - I know what you're saying here, and I know that you know what you're saying here - but you want to try and play things fairly safe, so try to minimise these idea-heavy-and-expression-dense sentences. You don't have to cut them our entirely, and the balance you've struck in this essay is totally fine, but I'm just flagging this so you know to take care not to bog down your piece. Alluding to the socio-political turbulence of 1980’s, characterised by the cold war and radical feminist movements, Weldon’s hyperbolic description of a “world in crisis...future catastrophic” stresses the necessity for a broader understanding of society how so? With most of your other evidence the explanation is made clear, but in this case, how is it that this hyperbole could lead one to conclude that we need to better understand society and our own morals? and moral compass for individuals. As such, Weldon implores her fictional niece to read “Literature with a capital L”, employing the epistolary textual form to explicitly address the reader how is the language accomplishing this? And do you meant to say that the genre of letter writing is what's conveying the message to the audience directly? I'm not sure what your point is here, whilst reshaping Austen’s values of moral development to the postmodern context. The extended metaphor of the “City of Invention” emphasises the
Despite contextual disparities, Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice undertake parallel explorations of the values underpinning the marriage institution and the significance of moral and intellectual development. By providing new insights into Austen’s novel, Weldon concurrently enriches an understanding of Austen’s context and thus enhances an appreciation for Pride and Prejudice. This is a competent wrap-up, but I can't help but feel it lets you down given the high quality of everything else here. Your conclusion is your final chance to solidify that good impression, so ending on a plain-but-sufficient sentiment isn't quite as advantageous as ending on a really high note. Perhaps tease out some more ideas that stem from the differences between these two texts, as contrast tends to be the best starting point for more complex ideas.
Despite the fact that I've scribbled all over this, I had to try really hard to find faults in your analysis. For the most part, your arguments, analysis, and expression were really on-point, and you clearly know your texts well.
A few minor points: all the sentences highlighted in blue were examples of a certain sentence structure which stood out a bit, so taking one of these and brainstorming some alternate patterns to use should help you circumvent this problem fairly easily.
eg. instead of 'Challenging readers' values, Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character'
--> Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character in order to challenge readers' values.
--> Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character, thereby challenging readers' values.
--> In order to challenge readers values, Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character.
--> Austen's presentation of Mr. Darcy as an important character challenges readers' values.
--> That Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character challenges readers' values.
etc.
Also, you could use a few smoother paragraph transitions just to make sure your essay flows nicely. A few words at the start can make all the difference when an assessor is mentally preparing for your next sub-point. And on that note, try to make sure the final line in each paragraph is building from what you have established through your analysis and discussion. Most of the ones you've got here are totally fine, but at times it felt like you were drawing conclusions that hadn't been fully substantiated, so just keep an eye on that.
With regards to what should be cut, I'd say simplifying some of the more complex sentences should do it, and perhaps you could edit out the sentences at the start of your first B.P. (ie. the stuff on "authorial intrusion") but I really wouldn't change much. If you really have to make cuts for time, then you could always just cherry pick the best parts of your fourth paragraph and redistribute them into the other three. It doesn't have to be the chronologically fourth one you've written here, but just take the general gist of one of them and split the important bits off to form a three paragraph essay with slightly longer paragraphs.
Other than that, this is a really impressive piece with a bunch of good analysis, so play to your strengths and make sure those interpretive sentiments are made clear and concise in future pieces :)
Awesome job!
Feedback for achelray:
Spoiler
It is through Eliot’s rhetoric we better understand the human mind.
Eliot’s rhetoric allows readers to further grasp and shape their comprehension of context ...the context of what exactly? This is kind of like saying 'he allows the readers to have a more enlightened view' as opposed to '...view of humanity's shortcomings' or 'view of the limitations of man's aspirations.' Without a bit more specificity, this seems a bit weird. In doing so, Eliot aids readers in gaining a better understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. I think this sentence could have easily been combined with the previous ones to form a single, strong introductory line rather than two shorter ones. Works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, ;D love this poem... never got to study it in high school... feel my envy... ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ explore the themes of emotions 'emotions' isn't really a thematic idea, could you be a bit more specific here? Which emotions are involved? What is Eliot doing with or saying about such emotions?, internal isolation, and the consequences of the rise of urbanisationand its consequences. Each poem engendered within a vast, distinct context, what does this mean? How can something be 'vast' and 'distinct?'contributing contributes to a stronger understanding of how Eliot utilises time and place in his poetry to shape the reader's’ understanding of context. see above regarding having a more specific argument here
The context sets the tone for the reader. This is quite short and stilted for an opening sentence. It's also quite a generic sentence, meaning that it doesn't tell your reader anything that's particularly pertinent to the discussion. Your next sentence has a similar problem: Eliot’s works are known to rather than saying something about what his works are known for (which is tangentially relevant,) try to instead focus on what Eliot intends to do using verbs like 'suggests/implies/vilifies/exalts/critiques' etc. which is much more central to the task stir a morbid, depressed feeling within readers. This is due to the reality Eliot explores through urban lifestyle are you trying to say that Eliot explores the reality of the urban lifestyle? I'm a bit confused by your sentence structure here and how it adds to the meaninglessness of life within society. ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’,said to be the first poem Eliot wrote in 1910-1911, this doesn't really tell us anything important explores the internal isolation and instillment of inferiority through the soliloquy this is a term that applies to plays, it doesn't really work when talking about poems of the persona adopted by Prufrock in a society that does not notice him. Although the title ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ suggests and expresses a romantic aura in accordance with the noun “love” technically this is an adjective here, since the word 'love' is saying something about the word 'song,' but you could also argue 'love song' is a noun on its own... so I think you'd be better off just saying 'the word 'love'' here, though I like the specificity, Eliot ironically relates nothing to the euphoric, giddy, nervous feeling of “love”. This in turn portrays conveys to the audience that there is a possibility he is too shy to speak openly and freely, although Eliot portrays Prufrock as a recreant word check; 'recreant' pertains to cowardliness and betrayal, which I don't think is relevant here. 'Reclusive' would be more accurate figure. Contrary to his faintheart, there were are (keep a consistent present tense when talking about events in the text) moments when he nearly overcomes his immense fear of rejection when he rhetorically asks, “Do I dare?" I'm not sure this is rhetorical; you could argue that it is, but you need to support that judgment here. However, although acknowledging he acknowledges the women, he is being entranced by trivial pleasures like coffee and peaches that the audience is led to believe whether or not he truly is in love or if it is just attraction or lust losing the thread of the sentence here; perhaps try to separate this off so you can make it more grammatical. As pointed out by critic Mutlu Konuk Blasing, “The poem is a dramatic monologue [and] a mimesis of speech…”, which further frames the persona of Prufrock and his internal isolation and instillment of inferiority you've said this before already; try to vary your vocabulary through the perpetual context what do you mean by this? of a meaningless society. Eliot explores through the persona of Prufrock an emotionally detached personality of Prufrock _____? There's something missing here! What is Eliot exploring? as seen in the lines of, “In the room the women come and go/ Talking of Michelangelo.” This starts the process of which Prufrock starts to feel intimidated so Prufrock is intimidated by the process? Your expression is a bit confusing here; keep things simple adding to the fusion of emotion which emotions? as stated by Eliot himself in his essay ‘Tradition and the Individual Talent’ in which the context of an ordinary modern man experiences inferiority and faces despair of life as he is not a “Michelangelo”. The quote “For I have known the eyes already, known them all-/ The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,” further exploits the persona’s confidence diminishing I'm assuming you mean 'explores' here? A line of poetry can't really 'exploit' an idea having being surrounded by women who do not cast a single glance his way. Prufrock asking rhetorical questions, “To wonder, ‘Do I dare?’” and “Do I dare?”, reinforces the idea of the internal isolation he is experiencing to the audience in his soliloquy. Thus reestablishes This is a fragmented sentence; I've written a fuller explanation of why this is in my feedback to summerxyingshi if you want to scroll up and check that out. But here, you need to either say 'Thus, Eliot reestablishes...' or 'This reestablishes...' to make the sentence grammatical the internal state of inferiority which sets the morbid tone underpinning the context of when urban life highlighted the meaningless of life in society. Notice how the topic you're responding to calls on you to explore how Eliot's rhetoric allows us to understand the human mind? That's what you should be building out to as your focus! These points about social context are okay, but they're not what the topic is asking for. You haven't said much here about the audience's understanding of the human mind, so you'd need to reshape your arguments to suit this discussion.
‘Preludes’, the title can be viewed by the audience as ironic,such as much like ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ as it creates expectations about the poem’s contents that are not fulfilled. Try to begin your paragraph with a broad idea, not a point of close analysis. Tell me what concepts you intend to focus on before you start zooming in to evidence. The context what are you talking about when you say 'the context of the poems?' Because that would usually mean the socio-historical context, being when and where they're written, and that doesn't seem to be what you're intending here of Eliot's Preludes conveys the mundane and repetitive nature of lives in the modern, urban world. The poem itself consists of four descriptions of urban life at different times of the day. Within this day the dreariness and futility of human existence is highlighted. One critic in particular, J.Hillis Miller stated, “Space must be exterior to the self if movement through it is to be more than the following of a tedious argument in the mind.” which accentuates the mind and how Eliot explores the mind in the human existence through his poems is there anything else you can say here? What is Eliot saying about the human mind? And what does this have to do with the start of that quote where the critic talks about space and selfhood? The first prelude “evening settles down” this quote isn't integrated depicts a rainy, windswept evening that seems to educe that dreary feel of the day's end, especially with the imagery of strewn newspapers as leftover, unwanted rubbish. Good stuff! The monotonous rain beating down together along with the rhymes “passageways - days”, “wraps - scraps” and “lots -pots” the convention here would be to say "passageways" and "days," "wraps" and "scraps" etc. since quoting "passageways - days" implies those words occur one after another in the poem, which isn't true where coupled with the repetitive repeated sibilance of the 's' endings adds a sense of dullness and weariness to the prelude. <-- Excellent analysis here! The broad descriptive language accurately assists the audience in comprehending and shaping their understanding of context. this sentence is way too general; what 'broad descriptive language' are you talking about, and what's the 'context' here? Also, you need to link ^this idea to the following one--> The start of the third prelude portrays the dark, early hours of the morning. In this section of the poem the persona begins to use 'you' in an almost authoritative tone. "You" in such a context, depicts to characterise one of the many “lifeless” people living in this hollowness society. As stated by T.S Eliot himself, “It what's 'it??' may be formed out of one emotion, or may be a combination of several; and various feelings, inhering for the writer in particular words or phrases or images, may be added to compose the final result.”, which prominently addresses the consequences of urbanisation does it? I'm not seeing the connection here and therefore allows the audience to assemble a refined understanding of context what does this mean? and how it aids their understanding of tone within poetry. Okay, but that's not the focus here - take your discussion back to the notion of understanding the human mind.
^Link?-->Eliot’s works do not stray far from the inevitable timelessness that enables readers to understand a modern context. Again, this doesn't strike me as a very relevant argument seeing as you're meant to be examining how his poems enable the audience to better understand human psychology and conscience. The poem ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ explores themes of isolation and meaninglessness in society through the emotions of a single person. His journey involves going through a cross of reality and imagination as seen in, “Dissolve the floors of memory” this isn't really integrated disintegrating reality from hallucinations of the mind. As time goes by the person gets closer and closer to their breaking point expressed in the simile, “Beats like a fatalistic drum,” adding to the suspense of the inevitability is it suspenseful or inevitable? Those two words seem like of like antonyms in this context of the person’s fate.Eliot successfully writes of events that the audience can relate to therefore instituting a greater understanding of context as it is easily relatable. not sure about the relevance of this? The context you should be linking this to is the idea of the human mind, and that hasn't been made clear here. The audience therefore gain a better understanding of poetry in the modern context as familiar emotions experienced by individuals are adopted by Eliot to bring to life “a new art emotion”. Critic Charles Altieri from the Department of English at UC Berkeley, states, “Eliot experimented with modes of presenting and projecting desire more immediate and also more inherently social than the culturally dominant modes of linking affects to causal narratives. And in doing that he developed an abstract modern imaginative space radically new for English poetry.” minor point, but don't end the quote with a full stop if you intend to continue your sentence. Just leave it out here; you can change the punctuation pretty freely with little stuff like this - the assessors won't pull you up because a comma was out of place unless you somehow drastically alter the meaning of that quote which in turn enhanced the chance of the audience to read and reshape their understanding of a modern context. see end comments regarding your use of the word 'context.' & ^link?-->Throughout the poem, the lamp becomes known as the medium 'symbol' might be more appropriate here into which Eliot uses to reflect and represent what the person is thinking. “The street lamp sputtered,/ The street lamp muttered,” symbolises one losing their mind as their internal mind gears are “sputtering” and “muttering” also symbolising being overworked, almost as if it were weary and tired. However when repeated in stanza five, it is almost as if the lamp is becoming less easier to hear, coinciding with the fact that the person may be regaining consciousness and coming back to reality. This relates to the feeling of despair of life as the person who wandered the streets alone lead nowhere but where they started in which they finally reach a breaking point with their conjured emotions. Everything up to this point is really good, and it seems like you're building towards a point of discussion regarding what Eliot is saying about the human mind... This then exposes the audience to embrace and relate to a modern context which explores time and place within Eliot’s work. ...but that last sentence is letting you down a bit. It's quite general, and we're not interested in the notions of time and place, we want to know what you have to say about the prompt's key words and key ideas.
In contrast to ‘Rhapsody on a Windy night’, ‘Hollow men’ has more biblical and historical references. However, both are similar in that emotion is essentially a key concept within both poems. Much better linking! This is a great start. As explained in T.S Eliot’s essay, “The experience you will notice, the elements which enter the presence of the transforming catalyst, are of two kinds: emotions and feelings.” Is this quote relevant to what you're discussing? I can't see a connection on the surface, and it's up to you to make that obvious. The poem, ‘Hollow men’ brings to life religion through aspects of biblical references and epigraphs of other texts.This adds to the timelessness of Eliot’s poems as he adopts excerpts from other texts in doing so creates a piece of work that the audience is able to form an understanding of a modern context. That may be true, but it's not relevant. ‘Hollow men’ explores the experience of being a part of the world as seen in, “Let me also wear/ Such deliberate disguises” as it symbolises the world as broken therefore ultimately links to despair about life this sentence is getting messy; try not to let them run on for too long as that seems to be when things start to get ungrammatical as their hope is nothing but metaphorically “a a metaphorical "fading star.” This loss of hope symbolises a religious allusion and reflects Jesus’ light as a sign of hope for the “Hollow men”. The audience can relate to this in their modern context as Eliot never fails to include familiar experiences to ensure they are able to fully understand. Essentially comparing sentence fragment the “empty men” to scarecrows as when they both burn, they end up as nothing but ashes - no different from each other which adds to the hollowness of the “hollow men”. In describing the men, tThe earth has also been described as a “hollow valley” as symbolised through the words, “prickly pear” reflecting the unsterile, waste, barren wasteland. As critic Altieri explains, “his formal and thematic elements are woven into specific emotional configurations explored within the work,”. Eliot’s essay on ‘Tradition and the Individual talent’ wait, so, this critic's comment 'reflects' Eliot's essay? What are you trying to say here? as he states, “It may be formed out of one emotion or may be a combination of several, and various feelings controlled through our minds, inhering for the writer in particular words or phrases or images, may be added to compose the final result.”. You've used this quote in your second body paragraph already. Therefore successfully sentence fragment incorporates experiences and emotions of the audience, exploring how time and place are used by Eliot to form an understanding of context. Same problem as the above paragraphs - you're drawing all of your points out to a discussion of Eliot's work an its modern context, but there's nothing here about the human mind and the key concern of the prompt.
The timeless works of Eliot allows readers to further comprehend and shape their understanding of context. Thus, the audience can successfully embrace an insightful, informative and broad understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. this is the first hint I've gotten that you're acknowledging the topic, and this is way too late. Try and flesh out this idea a bit more and expand on the notion of humanity's 'state of mind'.This can be seen in works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ that explore the themes of internal isolation, rise of urbanisation and its consequences and emotions. This feels a bit repetitious; most of these points have been made already, and you've used very similar words to do so here. Each poem dispenses a deep understanding of how time and place are used to shape a reader’s understanding of context. Right, but how is this linked to the prompt?
Okay, so there's some solid analysis in this piece, and you're using great metalanguage to describe Eliot's rhetoric. Your understanding of the poems was pretty spot on, though it would've been good to see some comparison and contrast between the ones you discuss.
Here's the really big thing though: you need a thesis statement. More accurately, you need a relevant thesis statement that connects your discussion to the prompt. At the moment, you seem to be trying to argue something along the lines of 'The sense of time and place in Eliot's poems helps readers understand their modern context,' but what you should be arguing is 'Eliot's rhetoric aids him in suggesting that the human mind is an intricate and complex thing' or 'Eliot's poetry shows audiences what happens to the human mind when it is isolated and lonely' etc. Basically, what do you have to say about the link between the essay topic you've been given? In this case, what is Eliot saying about the human mind!?
Your use of the word 'context' was also quite ambiguous in places, and I think being more specific about the contexts you're referring to would be very helpful. This seems like it was the product of you taking an essay that was originally intended for a different prompt and transposing it here, which is okay, but you need to know how to adapt your piece and make it suit this discussion. A lot of this evidence would work for multiple prompts, but without you consciously moulding your argument, I'm left wondering whether any of it is relevant.
There are a few key places in your essay where you should be tailoring your piece to the prompt, particularly the starts and ends of your paragraphs, so perhaps work on making those as precise as possible so as to better communicate to your assessor what your thesis statement is.
Aside from that, your discussion was really good, and you just need to keep an eye on little things like sentence fragments and word choices. Also, there were a few sentences that were a bit too short and jarring, and others that were too long and got a little bit rambly and confusing, so just watch out for your sentence length to make sure your writing is as clear as possible :)
Eliot’s rhetoric allows readers to further grasp and shape their comprehension of context ...the context of what exactly? This is kind of like saying 'he allows the readers to have a more enlightened view' as opposed to '...view of humanity's shortcomings' or 'view of the limitations of man's aspirations.' Without a bit more specificity, this seems a bit weird. In doing so, Eliot aids readers in gaining a better understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. I think this sentence could have easily been combined with the previous ones to form a single, strong introductory line rather than two shorter ones. Works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, ;D love this poem... never got to study it in high school... feel my envy... ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ explore the themes of emotions 'emotions' isn't really a thematic idea, could you be a bit more specific here? Which emotions are involved? What is Eliot doing with or saying about such emotions?, internal isolation, and the consequences of the rise of urbanisation
The context sets the tone for the reader. This is quite short and stilted for an opening sentence. It's also quite a generic sentence, meaning that it doesn't tell your reader anything that's particularly pertinent to the discussion. Your next sentence has a similar problem: Eliot’s works are known to rather than saying something about what his works are known for (which is tangentially relevant,) try to instead focus on what Eliot intends to do using verbs like 'suggests/implies/vilifies/exalts/critiques' etc. which is much more central to the task stir a morbid, depressed feeling within readers. This is due to the reality Eliot explores through urban lifestyle are you trying to say that Eliot explores the reality of the urban lifestyle? I'm a bit confused by your sentence structure here and how it adds to the meaninglessness of life within society. ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’,
‘Preludes’, the title can be viewed by the audience as ironic,
^Link?-->Eliot’s works do not stray far from the inevitable timelessness that enables readers to understand a modern context. Again, this doesn't strike me as a very relevant argument seeing as you're meant to be examining how his poems enable the audience to better understand human psychology and conscience. The poem ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ explores themes of isolation and meaninglessness in society through the emotions of a single person. His journey involves going through a cross of reality and imagination as seen in, “Dissolve the floors of memory” this isn't really integrated disintegrating reality from hallucinations of the mind. As time goes by the person gets closer and closer to their breaking point expressed in the simile, “Beats like a fatalistic drum,” adding to the suspense of the inevitability is it suspenseful or inevitable? Those two words seem like of like antonyms in this context of the person’s fate.
In contrast to ‘Rhapsody on a Windy night’, ‘Hollow men’ has more biblical and historical references. However, both are similar in that emotion is essentially a key concept within both poems. Much better linking! This is a great start. As explained in T.S Eliot’s essay, “The experience you will notice, the elements which enter the presence of the transforming catalyst, are of two kinds: emotions and feelings.” Is this quote relevant to what you're discussing? I can't see a connection on the surface, and it's up to you to make that obvious. The poem, ‘Hollow men’ brings to life religion through aspects of biblical references and epigraphs of other texts.
The timeless works of Eliot allows readers to further comprehend and shape their understanding of context. Thus, the audience can successfully embrace an insightful, informative and broad understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. this is the first hint I've gotten that you're acknowledging the topic, and this is way too late. Try and flesh out this idea a bit more and expand on the notion of humanity's 'state of mind'.
Okay, so there's some solid analysis in this piece, and you're using great metalanguage to describe Eliot's rhetoric. Your understanding of the poems was pretty spot on, though it would've been good to see some comparison and contrast between the ones you discuss.
Here's the really big thing though: you need a thesis statement. More accurately, you need a relevant thesis statement that connects your discussion to the prompt. At the moment, you seem to be trying to argue something along the lines of 'The sense of time and place in Eliot's poems helps readers understand their modern context,' but what you should be arguing is 'Eliot's rhetoric aids him in suggesting that the human mind is an intricate and complex thing' or 'Eliot's poetry shows audiences what happens to the human mind when it is isolated and lonely' etc. Basically, what do you have to say about the link between the essay topic you've been given? In this case, what is Eliot saying about the human mind!?
Your use of the word 'context' was also quite ambiguous in places, and I think being more specific about the contexts you're referring to would be very helpful. This seems like it was the product of you taking an essay that was originally intended for a different prompt and transposing it here, which is okay, but you need to know how to adapt your piece and make it suit this discussion. A lot of this evidence would work for multiple prompts, but without you consciously moulding your argument, I'm left wondering whether any of it is relevant.
There are a few key places in your essay where you should be tailoring your piece to the prompt, particularly the starts and ends of your paragraphs, so perhaps work on making those as precise as possible so as to better communicate to your assessor what your thesis statement is.
Aside from that, your discussion was really good, and you just need to keep an eye on little things like sentence fragments and word choices. Also, there were a few sentences that were a bit too short and jarring, and others that were too long and got a little bit rambly and confusing, so just watch out for your sentence length to make sure your writing is as clear as possible :)
Feedback for gabriellav:
Spoiler
“Childhood discoveries are intensely emotional and meaningful.”
Consider this quote and evaluate the effectiveness of TWO texts in conveying these types of childhood discoveries.
>thank you for including the exam paper, by the way!< :D
The transformation into early adolescence after several years of being cocooned is an intensely emotional and meaningful experience. This discovery of foreign terrain evokes emotions of curiosity and uncertainty as a child is confronted with the reality of the complicated world and loss of youthful innocence. Good, broad statements here that make your focus clear. It is however, not until the final stages of development that they will be capable of understanding the discoveries should be an apostrophe after the 's' here, assuming you're trying to say 'the significance and meaning of these discoveries.' significance and meaning. Texts 1 and 3through evaluation and analysis this sounds a bit odd because it's as though you're saying the two texts justify this idea by doing evaluation and analysis, when what you're trying to convey is that when we evaluate and analyse these texts, we can see how they justify these ideas. Just a minor expression issue, but it pays to end your intro on a high note to help set a good foundation for the rest of your piece, effectively justify this notion to different extents.
Text 3 skillfully positions the audience to understand the difficulty of entering adulthood. The child’s desperation for individuality and power causes rebellion quote? howeverenables him to reach a confronting discovery of self and transformation facilitates a confronting self-discovery and transformation. As the “ first shot struck”, this is the child’s first encounter this quote isn't really integrated here. See if I took out the quotation marks it would seem kind of ungrammatical? That means you need to make the language fit your own sentence. A bit more context would be useful here too; just a brief mention of how the poem focuses on a child who takes his father's gun and shoots an animal without fully understanding the consequences - a metaphor for transitioning into adulthood suddenly and incomprehensibly with power and rebellion which frightens him as he is “ afraid by the fallen gun, a lonely child who believed death clean and final”. The use of pathos in conjunction with negative connotations expressed in the words “ afraid” and lonely” reveals the child’s distress and incomprehension of his actions as a transitioning an innocent child transitioning to a rebellious teen seeking power. Good analysis Likewise, the consequences of the child’s rebellion reflected by the owl’s death, progresses his emotion expression is a bit weird here. Instead of saying it 'progresses his emotion,' try and say something about the actual emotion(s). The use of low modality to describe the owl as an "obscene bundle of stuff” further emphasises his the child's inability to overcome his bitter emotions. More importantly, it reveals his immaturity and incomplete intellectual development because he is unable to see the fragility of life, unlike however, the juxtaposition of the owl as a philosophical symbol of wisdom and foresight v good. Nevertheless, it is within the final stanza of the poem that illustrates the child’s new sense of understanding regarding his discovery and employs a metaphor “ owl blind” to encapsulate his sadness for what has begun; his journey to adulthood. Yes! Great job! You've gotten at the heard of the poem here. It is his tears with which symbolically validate the loss of innocence as a bitter experience and one that cannot be reclaimed.
Comparatively, whilst the perplexing process of childhood maturation is explored in text 3 as intensely emotion which emotions?? provoking, this concept is challenged in text 1, with the focus drawn to the value of childhood discoveries. Significantly, whilst the discovery in text 3 was initiated by a child who had just entered the rebellious teen stage, text 1 illustrates a youthful child that has not yet discovered adulthood but will beeventuated prompted(?) by curiosity. The keyhole as a symbol of secrecy and a physical barrier, emphasises that a discovery behind the door is of high importance and value. Metaphorically, this foreign world behind the door represents the terrain of adulthood, which is just a key away Nice!:) Therefore, it is with the opening of this door that the child will initiate a change, that is, both his meaningful discovery and transformation into adolescence. Yet But as this child has not discovered adulthood yet, the child's expressionless facial gesture conveys his inability to see what is behind the door. He therefore is unable to express emotions, as the importance of this discovery, “ maturation” is all but a secret. This signifies the unawareness and lack of understanding children have when they are developing, similarly justified word check; I don't know if 'justified' is right here. 'Explored' perhaps, or 'depicted' in text 3. Moreover, the use of the large title with the placement of overgrown leaves running through the word “ Secret ”, also draws our attention to the fact that this child has not yet revealed seen ('revealed' would imply that he was revealing it to us) what is behind the door. The fact this discovery has been kept a “secret” reinforces that his journey into adulthood will be personal and private, and will offer him freedom like the untamed leaves behind the locked door awesome analysis here. To be precise, the childhood discovery of maturation is experienced by all, yet personal to the individual, making it extremely meaningful.
Very good analysis of the pieces overall. You've made some solid links between the two, but haven't just kept comparing at the expense of quality analysis, and I like that you were able to offset your discussion of a child post-discovery with one who was teetering over the precipice but hadn't quite pushed past that barrier yet.
A few little expression issues, but nothing major. Most of my points would just be regarding opportunities for more analysis (eg. looking at how Harwood's poem uses the metaphor of a traumatic realisation of inevitability to convey the idea of adolescence, whereas the image has a more mystical, ethereal excitement stemming from the notion of opening up a doorway and accessing a new world) but you're not marked on what you don't cover, and what you have covered here is handled really well.
Try to keep your expression as succinct and precise as possible, as there's a chance you could cram in even more discussion as you get more and more practice with this, but aside from that, you seem to have a very good handle on the nature of the task and the process of analysis :)
Consider this quote and evaluate the effectiveness of TWO texts in conveying these types of childhood discoveries.
>thank you for including the exam paper, by the way!< :D
The transformation into early adolescence after several years of being cocooned is an intensely emotional and meaningful experience. This discovery of foreign terrain evokes emotions of curiosity and uncertainty as a child is confronted with the reality of the complicated world and loss of youthful innocence. Good, broad statements here that make your focus clear. It is however, not until the final stages of development that they will be capable of understanding the discoveries should be an apostrophe after the 's' here, assuming you're trying to say 'the significance and meaning of these discoveries.' significance and meaning. Texts 1 and 3
Text 3 skillfully positions the audience to understand the difficulty of entering adulthood. The child’s desperation for individuality and power causes rebellion quote? however
Comparatively, whilst the perplexing process of childhood maturation is explored in text 3 as intensely emotion which emotions?? provoking, this concept is challenged in text 1, with the focus drawn to the value of childhood discoveries. Significantly, whilst the discovery in text 3 was initiated by a child who had just entered the rebellious teen stage, text 1 illustrates a youthful child that has not yet discovered adulthood but will be
Very good analysis of the pieces overall. You've made some solid links between the two, but haven't just kept comparing at the expense of quality analysis, and I like that you were able to offset your discussion of a child post-discovery with one who was teetering over the precipice but hadn't quite pushed past that barrier yet.
A few little expression issues, but nothing major. Most of my points would just be regarding opportunities for more analysis (eg. looking at how Harwood's poem uses the metaphor of a traumatic realisation of inevitability to convey the idea of adolescence, whereas the image has a more mystical, ethereal excitement stemming from the notion of opening up a doorway and accessing a new world) but you're not marked on what you don't cover, and what you have covered here is handled really well.
Try to keep your expression as succinct and precise as possible, as there's a chance you could cram in even more discussion as you get more and more practice with this, but aside from that, you seem to have a very good handle on the nature of the task and the process of analysis :)
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 21, 2016, 11:26:59 pm
Sorry to bother you with another piece of writing from me. This is a module A essay using a question from 2013 HSC exam. Thank you very much in advance for sparing your time to mark my essay it is really kind of you guys to do stuff like this!!!! :))))
Post by: brenden on February 22, 2016, 09:57:07 am
Hey English Professors:Happy Physics Land, and ATAR Notes Legend like you never needs to be sorry!
Sorry to bother you with another piece of writing from me. This is a module A essay using a question from 2013 HSC exam. Thank you very much in advance for sparing your time to mark my essay it is really kind of you guys to do stuff like this!!!! :))))
Your essay without comments
Your essay with comments
In what ways is your appreciation of both texts enhanced by a comparative study of passion in Donne’s poetry and W; t? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed texts.
Appreciation towards texts is often enhanced through comparing the timeless notion of passion across different paradigmatic frameworks. This idea is demonstrated through the metaphysical poems This is My Playes Last Scene and A Valediction: forbidden mourning by John Donne and the metatheatrical, Brechtian-style play W;t (1995) by Margaret Edson. My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human you don't need to say "human". it's a bit useless, like saying "my favourite number if the odd number of three". You don't need to say 'odd', because 'three' conveys odd, just like "concept of passion" conveys human. concept of passion This sentence is sort of, not doing much for you. You have a good introduction so far, but then you just stick this sentence into it: "My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion"... It's like having a good proof and getting towards the answer, only to add in a line of working that isn't helpful nor mathematically useful. The reason that the sentence is sort of, "not the best", is simply because it sort of restates the question. The question asks you IN WHAT WAYS is your appreciation enhanced. But this sentence of yours simply states that your appreciation IS enhanced. Now.... I know you've done this because your next sentence starts with "this is achieved through..." - which appears to be your overall thesis. You set up your thesis with this sentence, but you actually don't need to. Going back to the proof analogy. You could skip an ugly line of working to make the proof cleaner. In this scenario, omitting the sentence I'm talking about would be the same as skipping an ugly line of working. You could remove that sentence and just say.... "Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion.. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.
Okay I talked a lot of shit about proofs and sentences in that introduction, so for a "in summary", just check the spoiler below. Otherwise, great introduction!!
In Summay
Your sentences: My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.
My sentence: Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion
You can see that I have colour coded the sentences. Mine has red and blue, and yours has blue and red. You use the blue to set up the red. But you don't need a set up. You can say "through x", "y happens". You don't need to say "Y is the case". "Y is the case because X'.
My sentence: Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion
You can see that I have colour coded the sentences. Mine has red and blue, and yours has blue and red. You use the blue to set up the red. But you don't need a set up. You can say "through x", "y happens". You don't need to say "Y is the case". "Y is the case because X'.
Strongly influenced by the hegemonic weltanschauung of Christianity, This is My Playes Last Scene portrays a passion for death through various metaphorical conceits cool opening sentence. The establishing sentence “This is my playes last scene, here heavens appoint” alludes to the inevitable death of tragic heroes in Shakespearian tragedies. Through the biblical imagery of heaven and the analogy comparing life to a dramatic play, the poet celebrates his death and ascension to a virtuous afterlife. In addition, the geometrical conceit in the first quatrain, “My spans last inch, minutes latest point” compares death to finale of a race, hence illustrating death as the most exciting part of life. Furthermore, the final quatrain “Impute me righteous, purg’d of evill … the flesh, the devil” juxtaposes vocabularies such as “righteous” and “evil” to suggest the dichotomy between the body and soul. The relieved tone suggests the poet’s passion for the spirit to be preserved, alleviated from the physical sins and devilish temptations.Cool, great first paragraph!
Likewise, W;t heightens the value of the poem by appropriating elements of Donne’s passion towards death into a 20th century American society dominated by biomedical discourse. Similar to Donne, Vivian Bearing in her soliloquy “a breath – a comma – separates life from life everlasting … it’s a comma, a pause” also employs a metaphorical conceit comparing a comma in a literal dimension to a metaphysical barrier between life and afterlife. The deliberate emphasis on the punctuation of comma being simply a pause in life portrays Bearing’s passion for an afterlife which is conveyed through her evident passion for literature. Moreover, the stage direction “She (Vivian) walks … towards a little light” adapts a similar notion of passion towards afterlife in heaven from This is My Playes Last Scene. The light is symbolic of Vivian’s liberation from the physical suffering she endures in modern western hospitals and ascension in heaven, which corresponds to notions delivered by Donne’s poem. Therefore, by resonating with Donne’s passion for death through a modern Western hospital setting, W;t has effectively articulated this concept to surpass the ephemeral and this valuable appropriation can be appreciated.
A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning conveys Donne’s intimate passion, reflective of the Elizabethan romance, towards his wife Anne through metaphysical conceits inspired by Galileo’s invention of compass. The hyperbole “Let us melt … No tear-floods, nor sigh tempests move” defines the gush of emotions the two lovers experience prior to their reluctant separation due to the unification of their physical bodies and souls, thus expressing an intense affection. Juxtaposing their love to merely a physical love, Donne depicts his fervour as spiritual through the simile “… an expansion, like gold to airy thinness boat” which suggests that their connected souls simply expands when physically separated. Moreover, the last three stanzas employ the metaphorical conceit of Galileo’s compass to suggest Donne’s undying love by placing Anne at the centre whilst Donne revolves around her. The two compass feet trace a circle which symbolises an eternal cycle of love as suggested through “Thy soul, the fixed foot … if the other do”. Therefore through embracing both physical emotions and spiritual love, Donne effectively manifests his passion with Anne.
In contrast, Edson’s W;t generically depicts 20th century Western society’s mechanical approach to life and a lack of passion towards human beings however profound affinity towards literatures and academic research. In contrast to Donne’s passion which revolves around an intimate and physical bond with a counterpart, both Jason and Bearing’s passions involve the segregation from mankind. Vivian’s acerbic tone towards her student “You can come to this class prepared, or you can excuse yourself from this class … Donne’s agile wit at work” depicts her apathy which originates from her passion for Donne’s poems. Her ignorance towards the student’s emotions, displayed through the stage direction “walks away ... turns and addresses the class” portrays her self-indulgence in the microcosmic world of literature which consequently causes her alienation from others. Furthermore, Jason displays a strong passion in his scientific research however a lack of awareness towards surrounding human. A strong sense of situational irony is present when Jason contemptuously analogises clinicians to “troglodytes”; but in reality, Jason is the person who lives in seclusion, resembling Vivian Bearing, due to his overriding academic ambition. His direct reference to Bearing “she is research” in the final scene illustrates his passion for medical discourse however this passion has adversely led him to ignore the fundamental human rights. Evidently, both Vivian Bearing and Jason are apathetic towards human beings and their feelings which juxtapose the sensual passion portrayed by A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning. The significant differences between the two texts however accentuate that for individuals exposed under various cultural influences, the idea of passion may be interpreted differently.
Through studying Donne’s poems in tandem with W;t, responders can appreciate a more profound insight into Donne’s poems through Vivian Bearing’s passionate monologues about literature. Audience of W;t harvest the knowledge that the concept of Donne’s poems is about overcoming insuperable barriers separating life, death and eternal life. Undertaking the role as the compere of the play, Vivian Bearing attempts to strengthen herself against death with the academic vigour of This is My Playes Last Scene. This vicarious experience analysing Donne’s poem illustrates her passion and through this passion and Bearing’s ultimate suffering, the audience can understand that intellectual powers of language have trivial effects in confronting the physical reality of death. This reality, despite unpleasant, can be appreciated due to its applications to 21th century world. The juxtaposition between the Jacobean loving passion which involves an intimate bond between lovers and the 20th century passion for medical research which involves the objectification of patients has helped audience to recognise destructive power of science which eradicates genuine human emotions.
Overall, an examination of passion represented differently under contrasting contexts which permeate each text has allowed the audience to extensively appreciate the power of texts to articulate core human concerns. This has been achieved through comparing the differing interpretations of passion in This is My Playes Last Scene, A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning and W;t. The similar passions towards death manifest that despite historical distances, notions of passion are capable of universalisation beyond their context.
Cool! Really great essay, well written, great analysis and good quoting.
The one lesson I want you to take out of this essay is the bits of green and red that I've highlighted in the last few paragraphs.
Green is good. Red is bad.
Green features active verbs, like "depicts" (depicted would be the not-active version), or "conveys" (conveyed being the non-active version).
Red features sentences like "which is conveyed", which could be rearranged to "x conveys".
I've tried to highlight the patterns for you so you can see for yourself. Notice the similarities between the things I've hihglighted in gree, and the similarities between the things I've highlighted in red... and notice the difference between green and red highlighting.
Let me know if you need more explanation on this, because I'm pretty much just letting you do it yourself because I think you'll realise on your own to start using "es" words over "ed" words, and then sometimes integrating "es" with a comma and an "-ing" word.
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 22, 2016, 10:39:51 am
Happy Physics Land, and ATAR Notes Legend like you never needs to be sorry!Your essay without commentsYour essay with comments
In what ways is your appreciation of both texts enhanced by a comparative study of passion in Donne’s poetry and W; t? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed texts.
Appreciation towards texts is often enhanced through comparing the timeless notion of passion across different paradigmatic frameworks. This idea is demonstrated through the metaphysical poems This is My Playes Last Scene and A Valediction: forbidden mourning by John Donne and the metatheatrical, Brechtian-style play W;t (1995) by Margaret Edson. My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human you don't need to say "human". it's a bit useless, like saying "my favourite number if the odd number of three". You don't need to say 'odd', because 'three' conveys odd, just like "concept of passion" conveys human. concept of passion This sentence is sort of, not doing much for you. You have a good introduction so far, but then you just stick this sentence into it: "My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion"... It's like having a good proof and getting towards the answer, only to add in a line of working that isn't helpful nor mathematically useful. The reason that the sentence is sort of, "not the best", is simply because it sort of restates the question. The question asks you IN WHAT WAYS is your appreciation enhanced. But this sentence of yours simply states that your appreciation IS enhanced. Now.... I know you've done this because your next sentence starts with "this is achieved through..." - which appears to be your overall thesis. You set up your thesis with this sentence, but you actually don't need to. Going back to the proof analogy. You could skip an ugly line of working to make the proof cleaner. In this scenario, omitting the sentence I'm talking about would be the same as skipping an ugly line of working. You could remove that sentence and just say.... "Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion.. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.
Okay I talked a lot of shit about proofs and sentences in that introduction, so for a "in summary", just check the spoiler below. Otherwise, great introduction!!In SummayYour sentences: My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.
My sentence: Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion
You can see that I have colour coded the sentences. Mine has red and blue, and yours has blue and red. You use the blue to set up the red. But you don't need a set up. You can say "through x", "y happens". You don't need to say "Y is the case". "Y is the case because X'.
Strongly influenced by the hegemonic weltanschauung of Christianity, This is My Playes Last Scene portrays a passion for death through various metaphorical conceits cool opening sentence. The establishing sentence “This is my playes last scene, here heavens appoint” alludes to the inevitable death of tragic heroes in Shakespearian tragedies. Through the biblical imagery of heaven and the analogy comparing life to a dramatic play, the poet celebrates his death and ascension to a virtuous afterlife. In addition, the geometrical conceit in the first quatrain, “My spans last inch, minutes latest point” compares death to finale of a race, hence illustrating death as the most exciting part of life. Furthermore, the final quatrain “Impute me righteous, purg’d of evill … the flesh, the devil” juxtaposes vocabularies such as “righteous” and “evil” to suggest the dichotomy between the body and soul. The relieved tone suggests the poet’s passion for the spirit to be preserved, alleviated from the physical sins and devilish temptations.Cool, great first paragraph!
Likewise, W;t heightens the value of the poem by appropriating elements of Donne’s passion towards death into a 20th century American society dominated by biomedical discourse. Similar to Donne, Vivian Bearing in her soliloquy “a breath – a comma – separates life from life everlasting … it’s a comma, a pause” also employs a metaphorical conceit comparing a comma in a literal dimension to a metaphysical barrier between life and afterlife. The deliberate emphasis on the punctuation of comma being simply a pause in life portrays Bearing’s passion for an afterlife which is conveyed through her evident passion for literature. Moreover, the stage direction “She (Vivian) walks … towards a little light” adapts a similar notion of passion towards afterlife in heaven from This is My Playes Last Scene. The light is symbolic of Vivian’s liberation from the physical suffering she endures in modern western hospitals and ascension in heaven, which corresponds to notions delivered by Donne’s poem. Therefore, by resonating with Donne’s passion for death through a modern Western hospital setting, W;t has effectively articulated this concept to surpass the ephemeral and this valuable appropriation can be appreciated.
A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning conveys Donne’s intimate passion, reflective of the Elizabethan romance, towards his wife Anne through metaphysical conceits inspired by Galileo’s invention of compass. The hyperbole “Let us melt … No tear-floods, nor sigh tempests move” defines the gush of emotions the two lovers experience prior to their reluctant separation due to the unification of their physical bodies and souls, thus expressing an intense affection. Juxtaposing their love to merely a physical love, Donne depicts his fervour as spiritual through the simile “… an expansion, like gold to airy thinness boat” which suggests that their connected souls simply expands when physically separated. Moreover, the last three stanzas employ the metaphorical conceit of Galileo’s compass to suggest Donne’s undying love by placing Anne at the centre whilst Donne revolves around her. The two compass feet trace a circle which symbolises an eternal cycle of love as suggested through “Thy soul, the fixed foot … if the other do”. Therefore through embracing both physical emotions and spiritual love, Donne effectively manifests his passion with Anne.
In contrast, Edson’s W;t generically depicts 20th century Western society’s mechanical approach to life and a lack of passion towards human beings however profound affinity towards literatures and academic research. In contrast to Donne’s passion which revolves around an intimate and physical bond with a counterpart, both Jason and Bearing’s passions involve the segregation from mankind. Vivian’s acerbic tone towards her student “You can come to this class prepared, or you can excuse yourself from this class … Donne’s agile wit at work” depicts her apathy which originates from her passion for Donne’s poems. Her ignorance towards the student’s emotions, displayed through the stage direction “walks away ... turns and addresses the class” portrays her self-indulgence in the microcosmic world of literature which consequently causes her alienation from others. Furthermore, Jason displays a strong passion in his scientific research however a lack of awareness towards surrounding human. A strong sense of situational irony is present when Jason contemptuously analogises clinicians to “troglodytes”; but in reality, Jason is the person who lives in seclusion, resembling Vivian Bearing, due to his overriding academic ambition. His direct reference to Bearing “she is research” in the final scene illustrates his passion for medical discourse however this passion has adversely led him to ignore the fundamental human rights. Evidently, both Vivian Bearing and Jason are apathetic towards human beings and their feelings which juxtapose the sensual passion portrayed by A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning. The significant differences between the two texts however accentuate that for individuals exposed under various cultural influences, the idea of passion may be interpreted differently.
Through studying Donne’s poems in tandem with W;t, responders can appreciate a more profound insight into Donne’s poems through Vivian Bearing’s passionate monologues about literature. Audience of W;t harvest the knowledge that the concept of Donne’s poems is about overcoming insuperable barriers separating life, death and eternal life. Undertaking the role as the compere of the play, Vivian Bearing attempts to strengthen herself against death with the academic vigour of This is My Playes Last Scene. This vicarious experience analysing Donne’s poem illustrates her passion and through this passion and Bearing’s ultimate suffering, the audience can understand that intellectual powers of language have trivial effects in confronting the physical reality of death. This reality, despite unpleasant, can be appreciated due to its applications to 21th century world. The juxtaposition between the Jacobean loving passion which involves an intimate bond between lovers and the 20th century passion for medical research which involves the objectification of patients has helped audience to recognise destructive power of science which eradicates genuine human emotions.
Overall, an examination of passion represented differently under contrasting contexts which permeate each text has allowed the audience to extensively appreciate the power of texts to articulate core human concerns. This has been achieved through comparing the differing interpretations of passion in This is My Playes Last Scene, A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning and W;t. The similar passions towards death manifest that despite historical distances, notions of passion are capable of universalisation beyond their context.
Cool! Really great essay, well written, great analysis and good quoting.
The one lesson I want you to take out of this essay is the bits of green and red that I've highlighted in the last few paragraphs.
Green is good. Red is bad.
Green features active verbs, like "depicts" (depicted would be the not-active version), or "conveys" (conveyed being the non-active version).
Red features sentences like "which is conveyed", which could be rearranged to "x conveys".
I've tried to highlight the patterns for you so you can see for yourself. Notice the similarities between the things I've hihglighted in gree, and the similarities between the things I've highlighted in red... and notice the difference between green and red highlighting.
Let me know if you need more explanation on this, because I'm pretty much just letting you do it yourself because I think you'll realise on your own to start using "es" words over "ed" words, and then sometimes integrating "es" with a comma and an "-ing" word.
Thank you very much Brenden, extremely helpful feedback on my introduction, thank you for correcting my grammars tooo!!! :D :D I think by changing "which is conveyed through" into "x conveyed" makes the subject of my speech more evident and l think it sounds stronger. A huge thanks to you Brenden!!!! :)))
Post by: brenden on February 22, 2016, 11:37:32 am
Thank you very much Brenden, extremely helpful feedback on my introduction, thank you for correcting my grammars tooo!!! :D :D I think by changing "which is conveyed through" into "x conveyed" makes the subject of my speech more evident and l think it sounds stronger. A huge thanks to you Brenden!!!! :)))Exactly! It sounds much stronger. You're very welcome - stay cool, HPL!
Post by: gabriellav on February 22, 2016, 06:22:25 pm
Thanks once again :)
Post by: Hamza98 on February 22, 2016, 06:50:45 pm
Attached is a copy of my essay for Module C. It is based of a critical study of the novel "In The Skin of a Lion". Please the note that this is not a full fledged essay, as it is missing quotes. Other than it is very much like an essay.
Thankyou so much for providing this service.
:)
Post by: BethanyLeise on February 22, 2016, 07:07:34 pm
Here's my essay for Module A, it's not actually an essay, it's a speech (that's why it's so short and my conclusion is practically non-existent) - but apart from that please just tear it apart.
Post by: supercooper284 on February 23, 2016, 07:20:48 pm
Please have a squiz at my essay, it's just a rough draft and I need all the help I can get!
Thanks!!
Post by: Spencerr on February 23, 2016, 10:09:36 pm
Post by: heids on February 23, 2016, 10:28:22 pm
Post by: lha on February 26, 2016, 11:30:41 pm
My essay is attached. It is for Module A and my texts are Tirra Lirra by the River by Jessica Anderson and Tennyson's Poetry. The question given was:
Compare how these texts explore truth and happiness.
My main concerns are that I havent incorporated truth enough and I dont know how to. Also, I dont know how to evaluate.
This essay is due on the 29th of February (so in 2 days) so any feedback ASAP would be greatly appreciated!
Post by: Spencerr on February 27, 2016, 11:21:00 pm
If I could receive a second assessment of my draft, it would be invaluable!
Spoiler
"Analyse how the central values portrayed in Pride and Prejudice are creatively reshaped in Letters to Alice on First Readin Jane Austen
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context. Accordingly, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813)(Pride) and Fay Weldon’s meta-fictional hybrid novel Letters to Alice(1993)(Letters) demonstrates how a transition in context from Austen’s 19th Century Regency England to Weldon’s late 20TH Century post-modern world engenders distinct societal values and attitudes. In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to creatively reshape values and enrich textual appreciations.
Austen and Weldon, united in their concerns for the suppressed female condition, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Critical of legal institutions including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride censures her androcentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Indeed, her characterisation of Charlotte Lucas as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident by her cynical decree that “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”, exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. As such, Charlotte becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet who is socially constructed by Austen to subvert convention. Despite comprehending that matrimony entails financial and social stability within Regency context, Elizabeth’s emotive repudiation of Mr Collin’s proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her desire to remain autonomous from traditional expectations of feminity. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and consequentially “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, with the hyperbole emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked through individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, is characterised by “connubial felicity” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen elevates individual autonomy over repressive social constructs, as instrumental to self-fulfilment and emotional contentment.
Likewise, Weldon in Letters eulogises the universal value of autonomy, reshaping it to her postmodern context by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered through the Equal Pay Act (1970). Empowered by the second wave feminist movement, Weldon trivialises the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff our women’s magazines..[with]...the stuff of their life” , whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to an “outmoded institution” within the 1980’s. In light of dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- characterised “with black and green hair” in a manifestation of modern individuality-captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth. Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt non-conformist ideals by “swim[ming] against the stream of communal ideals”. The metaphor lends authority to her rhetorical question “How can I possibly tell you to run your life?”, emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures. Ironically, the persona of Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality and the imperative “must”, when asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”. Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” despite subverting Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to communicate importance of autonomy for success and in doing so reshape Austen’s values.
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal. In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, such as conduct books, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. Satirising such ineffectual education, Austen constructs the caricature of Mary who, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility, evident as she “wished to say something sensible, but knew not how”. Asserting the didactic axiom that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that an valuable moral education is only attainable through introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. Indeed, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”. Contrasting Mary’s defective education, Elizabeth’s eclaircissement, depicted by the epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she is ultimately able to address her moral shortcomings. Through Elizabeth’s bildungsroman journey, Austen promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through its ability to improve an individual’s moral capacity.
Whereas Austen champions introspection, Weldon in Letters promotes literature and its ability to develop empathy, as the greatest source of moral development. However within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. She censures Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, emphasising, through anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits morality. Modelling Austen’s epistolary style to enhance her didactic assertions, Weldon encourages Alice to read “Literature with a capital L”, and in doing so echo Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”. Employing the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, and thus provide readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. As such, Weldon depicts literature’s ability to figuratively “stretch our sensibilities and our understandings” by prompting readers to empathise through vicarious experiences. This tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Engaging in retrospective historiography, Weldon contextualises Pride through statistic data that “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize”, effectively eliciting pathos from the responder to vindicate Charlotte’s decision of marrying Mr Collins. For failing to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Weldon satirises institutionalised education in her parody of exam and essay rubrics “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, reflecting Austen’s critique of an ineffectual education. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her postmodern context, advocating the literary canon in contrast to Austen’s value of introspection.
Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th Century values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th Century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enabling responders to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of both texts.
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context. Accordingly, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813)(Pride) and Fay Weldon’s meta-fictional hybrid novel Letters to Alice(1993)(Letters) demonstrates how a transition in context from Austen’s 19th Century Regency England to Weldon’s late 20TH Century post-modern world engenders distinct societal values and attitudes. In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to creatively reshape values and enrich textual appreciations.
Austen and Weldon, united in their concerns for the suppressed female condition, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Critical of legal institutions including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride censures her androcentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Indeed, her characterisation of Charlotte Lucas as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident by her cynical decree that “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”, exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. As such, Charlotte becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet who is socially constructed by Austen to subvert convention. Despite comprehending that matrimony entails financial and social stability within Regency context, Elizabeth’s emotive repudiation of Mr Collin’s proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her desire to remain autonomous from traditional expectations of feminity. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and consequentially “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, with the hyperbole emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked through individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, is characterised by “connubial felicity” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen elevates individual autonomy over repressive social constructs, as instrumental to self-fulfilment and emotional contentment.
Likewise, Weldon in Letters eulogises the universal value of autonomy, reshaping it to her postmodern context by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered through the Equal Pay Act (1970). Empowered by the second wave feminist movement, Weldon trivialises the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff our women’s magazines..[with]...the stuff of their life” , whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to an “outmoded institution” within the 1980’s. In light of dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- characterised “with black and green hair” in a manifestation of modern individuality-captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth. Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt non-conformist ideals by “swim[ming] against the stream of communal ideals”. The metaphor lends authority to her rhetorical question “How can I possibly tell you to run your life?”, emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures. Ironically, the persona of Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality and the imperative “must”, when asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”. Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” despite subverting Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to communicate importance of autonomy for success and in doing so reshape Austen’s values.
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal. In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, such as conduct books, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. Satirising such ineffectual education, Austen constructs the caricature of Mary who, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility, evident as she “wished to say something sensible, but knew not how”. Asserting the didactic axiom that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that an valuable moral education is only attainable through introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. Indeed, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”. Contrasting Mary’s defective education, Elizabeth’s eclaircissement, depicted by the epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she is ultimately able to address her moral shortcomings. Through Elizabeth’s bildungsroman journey, Austen promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through its ability to improve an individual’s moral capacity.
Whereas Austen champions introspection, Weldon in Letters promotes literature and its ability to develop empathy, as the greatest source of moral development. However within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. She censures Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, emphasising, through anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits morality. Modelling Austen’s epistolary style to enhance her didactic assertions, Weldon encourages Alice to read “Literature with a capital L”, and in doing so echo Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”. Employing the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, and thus provide readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. As such, Weldon depicts literature’s ability to figuratively “stretch our sensibilities and our understandings” by prompting readers to empathise through vicarious experiences. This tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Engaging in retrospective historiography, Weldon contextualises Pride through statistic data that “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize”, effectively eliciting pathos from the responder to vindicate Charlotte’s decision of marrying Mr Collins. For failing to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Weldon satirises institutionalised education in her parody of exam and essay rubrics “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, reflecting Austen’s critique of an ineffectual education. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her postmodern context, advocating the literary canon in contrast to Austen’s value of introspection.
Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th Century values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th Century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enabling responders to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of both texts.
Thanks!
Post by: literally lauren on February 28, 2016, 04:11:40 pm
Spoiler
'The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks.'
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain not sure exchange is the right word here; that makes it sound as though you trade a loss for a gain, but what you seem to be getting at here is that both losses and gains are involved in the process of discovery(?). In particular an individual may change their way of thinking need a comma here enabling them to discover new perceptions of the world. This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) as well as William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world comma - this is really minor, but when it comes to handwritten essays, it's easy for your reader to get lost if they don't know when natural pauses should occur it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition the texts display power as an established way of thinking that can hinder an individual's ability to discover, as well as how freedom can have either positive or negative aspects on discovery. This is a little bit 'signpost-y,' which I know many people don't have a problem with and actually favour as a mode of introduction writing, but I'd argue you don't want to list your arguments in a really overt way - it's more impressive if you can weave them into the discussion more subtly. Here, all three of your major points (man vs. monsters, power, freedom) are presented with the same sentence structure of 'The text displays XYZ idea.' Instead, try to vary your expression a bit so you can introduce these points in slightly subtler ways.
Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters. In the Tempest comma Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. Notice how all of your sentences thusfar have been rought the same length? Like, they're all hovering around the 18 words per sentence mark? This can create a bit of a problem for your expression; you want to use longer ones for a more complex build up of ideas, and 'shorter' ones (still around 18 words :P) for really direct communication. In this instance, I think you could have combined a few of these sentences to unite your discussion a bit more, eg. 'In 'The Tempest,' Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising, and as such, separates the island world of primitive values from the Elizabethan court representing law and order.'This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariner's imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. Nice quote integration :) This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man so are you talking about the perception of humanity vs. monstrosity, like your topic sentence hinted at, or are you talking about actually being a man vs. actually being a monster? is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves expression(?) is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truthpinnacles can't really use this as a verb; you could say 'reaches a pinnacle/climax/zenith' when the boys including Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon towards the end of the novel, signifying their complete regression ironically becoming the beast they were hunting to begin with. Okay, there's some good analysis here, but now you need take this back to the idea of discovery. Don't end your paragraph on a point of evidence; that means I (your pretend assessor) have to do the thinking for you by wondering 'what does this have to do with the prompt?' So it's your job to answer that question before I get a chance to ask it!
At the start of your paragraphs, aim to link the previous discussion with the current one. Otherwise there's no sense of order to your paragraphs and your essay becomes three separate discussions rather than a single, unified argument that builds on itself. Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, it seems a little odd to say what the tempest symbolises, and then have a sentence about how 'Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest' - surely that second statement should come first? & this is another instance where the sentences could easily be combined so they're not so stilted when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. this is a bit too similar to the emboldened sentence above; I'd say you could afford to just get rid of the first one and then fully flesh out the symbolism here instead. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. Could you combine this evidence with the previous sentence? After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically you can say the "staff" and "book" are metonyms, but you can't really say he 'metonymically declares' something declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. Prospero , meaning that he is no longer blinded by power, enabling him to embrace new outlooks. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas [and] auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies need a comma here Golding develops a similar juxtaposition to display how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocratic government in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democratic government. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance earlier when you were analysing Shakespeare's verse, the word 'sibilance' was appropriate since it contributed to the meaning, but here, analysing the words 'stood still' as being sibilant doesn't seem quite so relevant. Not all instances of alliteration will be worth commenting on; the symbolic discussion you're doing here should be sufficient in terms of close analysis and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, embracing renewed outlooks on the proper balance of power that exists in society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power control (or some other synonym to prevent the repetition within this sentence) and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it impacts an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks. Good closer.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. In the Tempest, when Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel, and the mariners need a comma here conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation,who as he is initially depicted as wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll "be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes starting to overuse this word a bit; try to vary your discussion by talking about 'contrasts,' 'comparisons' and 'associations' rather than just 'juxtapositions.' Caliban’s former incoherent diction, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed and positive outlooks on life. Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. However, in contrast, unlike the Tempest, in Lord of the Flies now there's a bit of an excess of linking words :P Either 'In contrast, Lord of the Flies shows...' or 'However, in Lord of the Flies...' would be sufficient since you're already implying there's a point of difference between the two texts here freedom does not lead to positive outlooks because on the island all the boys are powerful with no parents or laws restricting their behaviour. Most notable is Roger's transformation who the reason why this bit sounds odd is because you've isolated 'Roger's transformation' as the focus of your sentence, but then you've used the word 'who,' referring to Rodger instead of his transformation. So this should either be 'Rodger, whose transformation...' or 'The most notable transformation is Rogers as he...' initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however he progressively tests the bounds how can be 'test the bounds' if you're arguing there are no bounds? of his new-found freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically the rest of this analysis is fine, but the word 'antithetically' doesn't belong here. It's usually used to refer to opposites, as in, 'he worked for a mega-corporation whose values were antithetical to his own,' so I'm not sure what you're intending here? foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no punishment or consequences for his actions. Hence, Golding is illustrating the idea that unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper government, laws and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Perhaps you could go a step further here and say that Golding implies that rules and agreement cannot coexist with the desire to hunt and kill seeing as Piggy sets up that dichotomy where they can seemingly have one or another. The gradual collapse of the rules in LotF happens in inverse proportion to the growing cruelty and animalistic nature of the characters which might be a kind of discovery you could flag here just to push this B.P. along. See end comments for more regarding 'start & end points.'
Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks. this is a very summative conclusion which won't lose you any marks, but won't help you gain any either. Your conclusion is your chance to say something profound to the assessor about the nature of discovery, so if all you're doing is summarising your essay, you're kind of missing that opportunity to 'zoom out' and say something on a more holistic level.
In general, your analysis here is pretty high grade, and I like that you're finding connections between the texts within your paragraphs instead of leaving the comparison till the end or just discussing each one in isolation. You also seem to have a pretty good balance of ideas + evidence which is awesome.
However, the instances of repetition (particularly in your intro and conclusion) are somewhat costly, and the fact that you are running through your key ideas so often can actually detract from the quality of your writing.
For instance, if I had an essay like:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
Discovery is a multifaceted concept. Sometimes discoveries can cause us pain. Furthermore, we don't always understand the consequences of what we discover right away. Moreover, the things we discover can affect our lives in many ways.
1st B.P.
Often the discoveries we make can lead to us experiencing pain and hardship.
2nd B.P.
Likewise, it can be difficult for us to fathom the repercussions of our discoveries.
3rd B.P.
Our lives are also affected in many ways by the things we make discoveries about.
CONCLUSION:
Thus discoveries may lead to pain and suffering, but they can also have unforeseen consequences. It is also possible for us to be impacted in different ways by our discoveries. Ultimately, the nature of discovery is manifold and complex.
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(I'm simplifying here; we're focusing on the structure, not the ideas :P)
So for each of my three core points, I've got a sentence in both my intro and my conclusion, meaning that the essay feels a bit formulaic and repetitive, even with the paraphrasing I've done.
I also want to say something about 'start and end points,' by which I mean the first and last sentence in each body paragraph. For the most part, you've got the right idea in terms of 'zooming out,' ie. having these start and end points be about general ideas (like you've done in your second and third paras,) and not about specific examples (like the end of your first.) However, you also want to be careful not to make your start and end points too similar. This is another factor that leads to repetition; instead of:
- Here is my idea
- This is the textual evidence for my idea
- Thus, here is my idea
...you want something more like:
- Here is my idea
- This is the textual evidence for my idea
- This is why my idea helps me argue my main point.
What this means is that the last sentence of each B.P. should not simply be a paraphrased version (or something very similar to) your first sentence. You want to be taking your assessor on a bit of a journey throughout your essay, and every instance of repetition will pull them out of that journey and make them acknowledge that you're repeating yourself. As such, you want to sufficiently vary the way you express your ideas to avoid this potential problem in the future.
You also seem to favour relatively short sentences, which is good in that it lets you communicate your points clearly and effectively, but in terms of the quality of your writing overall, you want to change things up a bit and show the assessor you have the confidence to split and combine sentences freely. (I know you're not writing five word sentences, but this might still be relevant!) See the below feedback for Hamza98 regarding linking sentences.
Most of this stuff is just fine-tuning though; you've got great content - now you just have to get the presentation and articulation of that content right :)
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain not sure exchange is the right word here; that makes it sound as though you trade a loss for a gain, but what you seem to be getting at here is that both losses and gains are involved in the process of discovery(?). In particular an individual may change their way of thinking need a comma here enabling them to discover new perceptions of the world. This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) as well as William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world comma - this is really minor, but when it comes to handwritten essays, it's easy for your reader to get lost if they don't know when natural pauses should occur it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition the texts display power as an established way of thinking that can hinder an individual's ability to discover, as well as how freedom can have either positive or negative aspects on discovery. This is a little bit 'signpost-y,' which I know many people don't have a problem with and actually favour as a mode of introduction writing, but I'd argue you don't want to list your arguments in a really overt way - it's more impressive if you can weave them into the discussion more subtly. Here, all three of your major points (man vs. monsters, power, freedom) are presented with the same sentence structure of 'The text displays XYZ idea.' Instead, try to vary your expression a bit so you can introduce these points in slightly subtler ways.
Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters. In the Tempest comma Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. Notice how all of your sentences thusfar have been rought the same length? Like, they're all hovering around the 18 words per sentence mark? This can create a bit of a problem for your expression; you want to use longer ones for a more complex build up of ideas, and 'shorter' ones (still around 18 words :P) for really direct communication. In this instance, I think you could have combined a few of these sentences to unite your discussion a bit more, eg. 'In 'The Tempest,' Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising, and as such, separates the island world of primitive values from the Elizabethan court representing law and order.'This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariner's imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. Nice quote integration :) This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man so are you talking about the perception of humanity vs. monstrosity, like your topic sentence hinted at, or are you talking about actually being a man vs. actually being a monster? is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves expression(?) is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth
At the start of your paragraphs, aim to link the previous discussion with the current one. Otherwise there's no sense of order to your paragraphs and your essay becomes three separate discussions rather than a single, unified argument that builds on itself. Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, it seems a little odd to say what the tempest symbolises, and then have a sentence about how 'Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest' - surely that second statement should come first? & this is another instance where the sentences could easily be combined so they're not so stilted when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. this is a bit too similar to the emboldened sentence above; I'd say you could afford to just get rid of the first one and then fully flesh out the symbolism here instead. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. Could you combine this evidence with the previous sentence? After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically you can say the "staff" and "book" are metonyms, but you can't really say he 'metonymically declares' something declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. In the Tempest, when Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel, and the mariners need a comma here conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation,
Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks. this is a very summative conclusion which won't lose you any marks, but won't help you gain any either. Your conclusion is your chance to say something profound to the assessor about the nature of discovery, so if all you're doing is summarising your essay, you're kind of missing that opportunity to 'zoom out' and say something on a more holistic level.
In general, your analysis here is pretty high grade, and I like that you're finding connections between the texts within your paragraphs instead of leaving the comparison till the end or just discussing each one in isolation. You also seem to have a pretty good balance of ideas + evidence which is awesome.
However, the instances of repetition (particularly in your intro and conclusion) are somewhat costly, and the fact that you are running through your key ideas so often can actually detract from the quality of your writing.
For instance, if I had an essay like:
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INTRODUCTION
Discovery is a multifaceted concept. Sometimes discoveries can cause us pain. Furthermore, we don't always understand the consequences of what we discover right away. Moreover, the things we discover can affect our lives in many ways.
1st B.P.
Often the discoveries we make can lead to us experiencing pain and hardship.
2nd B.P.
Likewise, it can be difficult for us to fathom the repercussions of our discoveries.
3rd B.P.
Our lives are also affected in many ways by the things we make discoveries about.
CONCLUSION:
Thus discoveries may lead to pain and suffering, but they can also have unforeseen consequences. It is also possible for us to be impacted in different ways by our discoveries. Ultimately, the nature of discovery is manifold and complex.
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(I'm simplifying here; we're focusing on the structure, not the ideas :P)
So for each of my three core points, I've got a sentence in both my intro and my conclusion, meaning that the essay feels a bit formulaic and repetitive, even with the paraphrasing I've done.
I also want to say something about 'start and end points,' by which I mean the first and last sentence in each body paragraph. For the most part, you've got the right idea in terms of 'zooming out,' ie. having these start and end points be about general ideas (like you've done in your second and third paras,) and not about specific examples (like the end of your first.) However, you also want to be careful not to make your start and end points too similar. This is another factor that leads to repetition; instead of:
- Here is my idea
- This is the textual evidence for my idea
- Thus, here is my idea
...you want something more like:
- Here is my idea
- This is the textual evidence for my idea
- This is why my idea helps me argue my main point.
What this means is that the last sentence of each B.P. should not simply be a paraphrased version (or something very similar to) your first sentence. You want to be taking your assessor on a bit of a journey throughout your essay, and every instance of repetition will pull them out of that journey and make them acknowledge that you're repeating yourself. As such, you want to sufficiently vary the way you express your ideas to avoid this potential problem in the future.
You also seem to favour relatively short sentences, which is good in that it lets you communicate your points clearly and effectively, but in terms of the quality of your writing overall, you want to change things up a bit and show the assessor you have the confidence to split and combine sentences freely. (I know you're not writing five word sentences, but this might still be relevant!) See the below feedback for Hamza98 regarding linking sentences.
Most of this stuff is just fine-tuning though; you've got great content - now you just have to get the presentation and articulation of that content right :)
Feedback for Hamza98:
Spoiler
How does Ondaatje’s narrative structure reflect his concerns and his context?
Michael Ondaatje’s “In the Skin of a Lion” (ITSOAL) is a text that utilises its unique narrative structure to reflect the author’s concerns and context. Love that you're dealing with the prompt right frmo the outset. Unfortunately this prompt is pretty vague and broad, but you've done well to focus on it here. Just be careful not to always use the exact words in the prompt every time (- it's fine here, but I just wanted to note this so you don't get into the habit of slightly rewording the prompt for every introduction; varying your vocab is important too.)The narrative structure is unique in that Ondaatje uses a non-linear fragmented narrative, through which Ondaatje is able to have multiple voices co-exist simultaneously. These unique attributes have been influenced by post-modern and post-colonial thought. These two sentences could easily become: 'Ondaatje's non-linear, fragmented narrative enables him to have multiple voices coexist simultaneously, which are features largely influenced by post-modern and post-colonial schools of thought.'
Post-modernism, the absence of any certainty, discredits the core values of modernism, opposing the fixed principles of meaning and value. This ideology seeks to break away from the norm and challenge conventional storytelling. THANK YOU for defining this! Chances are your assessors will already know what it means too, but it's so important to have this clarification here right from the start so you're not just saying 'oh yeah, Ondaatje is all about them post-modern ideals' without ever telling us what post-modern ideals even are :P Great job here!Ondaatje embraces aspects of post-modernism through the creation of a novel that breaks away from the traditional narrative. ITSOAL’s story is told through a non-linear narrative that is also fragmented. The fragmented nature of the narrative links to the novel’s motif of dynamites and the theme of destruction and creation. This is another bundle of sentences that could easily be combined to give: 'Ondaatje embraces aspects of post-modernism througn ITSOAL's non-traditional narrative style, and the text's fragmented form links to the motif of dynamite and the idea of destruction.' Few more things to note: check with your teacher whether it's permissible to use 'ITSOAL' instead of the full title - I know some assessors who are stingy about things like this. Also, try not to use the word 'theme' in your essay. The motif of the dynamite stems from Patrick’s father’s use of dynamite to destroy large rocks into smaller fragments. He used this to aid him in logging the forest. Lots of short, jarring sentences here are breaking up the flow of your ideas. Similarly, Ondaatje uses dynamites I get what you're going for, but the author isn't actually using dynamite to destroy the novel :P to destroy the narrative itself into smaller fragments. These fragments are then pieced together by the reader, in order to co-construct the narrative. The co-construction as in, the author and the reader are both 'creating' the novel? I'm not sure what you mean by this. of the narrative reflects Ondaatje’s ‘creative’ method of storytelling.
ITSOAL is self-reflexive, this comma doesn't belong here - it should be either a semicolon or a full stop, though obviosuly a three word sentence is quite short, so you should try and reword this to something like 'ITSOAL's self-reflexive nature disrupts the reading process...' it disrupts the reading process to explore its own textual nature, whichhighlights is evident in the use of metafiction. Ondaatje breaks the illusion of reality and engages the reader in the process of making the meaning of the text, rather than simply allowing them to receive it. The responder is made a producer rather than simply a consumer. "Only the best art can order the chaotic tumble of events. Only the best can realign chaos to suggest both the chaos and order it will become." Try to integrate this quote - leaving it here as a sentence on its own makes it seem separate from your analysis. The idea is to blend textual evidence with your own discussion, so you should aim to pick out the important parts of the novel and embed them within your writing. Here, Ondaatje uses the technique of intrusion, where an author makes a direct comment on his novel and what would that comment be? What is the author saying here? Be more specific!.
This "chaos" is also created through the use of frame- a story within a story. are there words missing here? Also, how is this different from metafiction exactly? Towards the conclusion of the novel, the corners of the story are pulled together and readers are able to close the frame that encapsulated the inner story. The car ride woah! This jump into evidence is really rapid - in the previous sentence you're talking about the novel's structure as a whole, and now we're talking about a car ride?? Aim for smoother transitions between ideas and evidence is the result of Ondaatje's ability to transcend time and space- the story ends at the beginning of the novel and begins at the end, as if Patrick has told his story not only to the young girl Hana, but ultimately, to readers. This discontinuity and elliptical narrative structure is used in a deliberate attempt to destabilize the conventional narrative and proceed in a manner that imitates the sequence of memory, reminding readers that his novel, like one's memory, can be unreliable. excellent idea! Really love this sentence! :) Ondaatje searches for a version of the truth through experimentation and human experience, disputing the way dominant cultures have imposed their views as the ultimate truth.There is no one grand narrative in history. Notice how when I take this sentence out of context, it has nothing to do with the text? At the moment, this sentence just sounds like your own opinion that you're inserting at the end of your discussion. If you want to get credit for this, make it clear that this is something Ondaatje suggests/implies/establishes etc.
Some transition between paragraphs would be good too. Jumping into your next discussion with no link at all means that your paragraphs don't feel as though they're building on one another - they just feel like separate discussions packed together. Post-Colonialism is a resistance to the colonial powerand addresses ? and gives voice to the minorities who historically were silenced. Ondaatje retells the story of Toronto from the perspective of the migrants who built the foundations on which Toronto resides today. These once marginalised migrants are now given a chance to present history from their perspective and gives readers the underside of their unofficial history. These migrants who spent their lives living on the periphery of society have their voices heard through the power that Patrick possesses. Throughout the novel Patrick is portrayed as always searching for light and with it, he shines it on others. He acts as a mirror reflecting light from a distance without participating. This motif of light allows Patrick to give migrants a chance to have their voices heard. Some repetition of phrasing here, and I think a lot of these sentences could be collapsed together, but the step-by-step logic of your explanations is pretty good. Additionally Ondaatje believes that those with a grasp on language ultimately find themselves in power. This is evident in the relationship between a storyteller, like Patrick, and a listener such as Hana. For a brief moment, the person running the story has the power to create reality. Ultimately this reality will be biased as it is told by someone who is in power. Having a multiplicity of voices prevents the marginalisation of voices. This links back to don't draw attention to repetition! See the above feedback for NKD regarding 'start and end points' but in general, try to build out to a bigger idea at the end of your paragraph rather than just round back to the same point you raised at the beginning the post-colonial belief of empowering the colonised through language.
Ondaatje’s use of narrative structure and intertextuality reflects his post-modern and post-colonial concerns. Ondaatje achieves this through post-modern inspired concerns such as breaking away from the norm and challenging conventional narratives. Ondaatje additionally embraces aspects of post-colonialism by highlighting the stories of those living on the periphery of society. Again, there's some repetition in phrasing here with each of these sentences beginning with 'Ondaatje...' which could easily be avoided by altering the sentence structure.
Okay, I know you said you've left most quotes out, so I haven't made as many comments regarding your use of evidence, meaning that this feedback is mainly about your essay and sentence structure. I just thought I'd mention here that you'd obviously need to include (and integrate!) more quotes in order to get a decent mark, otherwise a lot of the great ideas you've got here would be unsubstantiated.
The biggest issue here is regarding your syntax and the length/focus of your sentences. I'm going to give you a brief rundown of something called 'sentence topicality,' and then I'll explain why this is important and how you can fix this.
Every sentence has a 'topic' or a focal point. It has to be a noun, and usually it occurs at the beginning of a sentence. For instance:
'The house on the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there.'
'The house' is obviously the topic, since that's the thing we're talking about.
Now let's look at the following passage:
The house on top of the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there. My uncle moved houses in the late 70's after he turned 18. He turned 18 in April. The house on top of the hill is now occupied by a young family from Sudan. Sudan is a country torn apart by civil war.
Clearly the focus of this discussion is all over the place, and it doesn't help that most of the 'topics' are repeated and carried over from the end of the previous sentence.Compare that to the following:
The house on top of the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there, but he moved out in the late 70's after his birthday in April. The house is now occupied by a young family from Sudan since their country has been torn apart by civil war.
^This is waaaay smoother because I've incorporated those short sentences that had similar focuses, and I've kept the flow of the discussion going without needing to repeat information.
The most basic summation I can give you is that at the moment, your sentences are too short, and you're repeating your sentence topics too much which is making your writing kind of sharp and stagnated. So the easiest fix is to force yourself to write slightly longer sentences whilst still ensuring your writing is clear and grammatical. If you have two or three sentences with similar topics, and each one is only serving to get across a single point (eg. 'His birthday is in April' or 'ITSOAL’s story is told through a non-linear narrative that is also fragmented') then try to combine it with one or more of the surrounding sentences. You can do this on a small scale first by just taking one of these paragraphs out and workshopping it until it flows better, and then hopefully once you start writing full essays, the process will be more natural to you.
Only other comments I have are regarding the end points of your paragraphs, some of which were a tad weak and/or repetitious - try to zoom out a bit more and have a nice 'Therefore the author seeks to XYZ' or 'Thus the author implies that XYZ' type of sentence to close strongly.
Keep up the great work! :)
Michael Ondaatje’s “In the Skin of a Lion” (ITSOAL) is a text that utilises its unique narrative structure to reflect the author’s concerns and context. Love that you're dealing with the prompt right frmo the outset. Unfortunately this prompt is pretty vague and broad, but you've done well to focus on it here. Just be careful not to always use the exact words in the prompt every time (- it's fine here, but I just wanted to note this so you don't get into the habit of slightly rewording the prompt for every introduction; varying your vocab is important too.)
Post-modernism, the absence of any certainty, discredits the core values of modernism, opposing the fixed principles of meaning and value. This ideology seeks to break away from the norm and challenge conventional storytelling. THANK YOU for defining this! Chances are your assessors will already know what it means too, but it's so important to have this clarification here right from the start so you're not just saying 'oh yeah, Ondaatje is all about them post-modern ideals' without ever telling us what post-modern ideals even are :P Great job here!
ITSOAL is self-reflexive, this comma doesn't belong here - it should be either a semicolon or a full stop, though obviosuly a three word sentence is quite short, so you should try and reword this to something like 'ITSOAL's self-reflexive nature disrupts the reading process...' it disrupts the reading process to explore its own textual nature, which
This "chaos" is also created through the use of frame- a story within a story. are there words missing here? Also, how is this different from metafiction exactly? Towards the conclusion of the novel, the corners of the story are pulled together and readers are able to close the frame that encapsulated the inner story. The car ride woah! This jump into evidence is really rapid - in the previous sentence you're talking about the novel's structure as a whole, and now we're talking about a car ride?? Aim for smoother transitions between ideas and evidence is the result of Ondaatje's ability to transcend time and space- the story ends at the beginning of the novel and begins at the end, as if Patrick has told his story not only to the young girl Hana, but ultimately, to readers. This discontinuity and elliptical narrative structure is used in a deliberate attempt to destabilize the conventional narrative and proceed in a manner that imitates the sequence of memory, reminding readers that his novel, like one's memory, can be unreliable. excellent idea! Really love this sentence! :) Ondaatje searches for a version of the truth through experimentation and human experience, disputing the way dominant cultures have imposed their views as the ultimate truth.
Some transition between paragraphs would be good too. Jumping into your next discussion with no link at all means that your paragraphs don't feel as though they're building on one another - they just feel like separate discussions packed together. Post-Colonialism is a resistance to the colonial power
Ondaatje’s use of narrative structure and intertextuality reflects his post-modern and post-colonial concerns. Ondaatje achieves this through post-modern inspired concerns such as breaking away from the norm and challenging conventional narratives. Ondaatje additionally embraces aspects of post-colonialism by highlighting the stories of those living on the periphery of society. Again, there's some repetition in phrasing here with each of these sentences beginning with 'Ondaatje...' which could easily be avoided by altering the sentence structure.
Okay, I know you said you've left most quotes out, so I haven't made as many comments regarding your use of evidence, meaning that this feedback is mainly about your essay and sentence structure. I just thought I'd mention here that you'd obviously need to include (and integrate!) more quotes in order to get a decent mark, otherwise a lot of the great ideas you've got here would be unsubstantiated.
The biggest issue here is regarding your syntax and the length/focus of your sentences. I'm going to give you a brief rundown of something called 'sentence topicality,' and then I'll explain why this is important and how you can fix this.
Every sentence has a 'topic' or a focal point. It has to be a noun, and usually it occurs at the beginning of a sentence. For instance:
'The house on the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there.'
'The house' is obviously the topic, since that's the thing we're talking about.
Now let's look at the following passage:
The house on top of the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there. My uncle moved houses in the late 70's after he turned 18. He turned 18 in April. The house on top of the hill is now occupied by a young family from Sudan. Sudan is a country torn apart by civil war.
Clearly the focus of this discussion is all over the place, and it doesn't help that most of the 'topics' are repeated and carried over from the end of the previous sentence.Compare that to the following:
The house on top of the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there, but he moved out in the late 70's after his birthday in April. The house is now occupied by a young family from Sudan since their country has been torn apart by civil war.
^This is waaaay smoother because I've incorporated those short sentences that had similar focuses, and I've kept the flow of the discussion going without needing to repeat information.
The most basic summation I can give you is that at the moment, your sentences are too short, and you're repeating your sentence topics too much which is making your writing kind of sharp and stagnated. So the easiest fix is to force yourself to write slightly longer sentences whilst still ensuring your writing is clear and grammatical. If you have two or three sentences with similar topics, and each one is only serving to get across a single point (eg. 'His birthday is in April' or 'ITSOAL’s story is told through a non-linear narrative that is also fragmented') then try to combine it with one or more of the surrounding sentences. You can do this on a small scale first by just taking one of these paragraphs out and workshopping it until it flows better, and then hopefully once you start writing full essays, the process will be more natural to you.
Only other comments I have are regarding the end points of your paragraphs, some of which were a tad weak and/or repetitious - try to zoom out a bit more and have a nice 'Therefore the author seeks to XYZ' or 'Thus the author implies that XYZ' type of sentence to close strongly.
Keep up the great work! :)
Feedback for Bethany Leise:
Spoiler
Discoveries can be intensely personal and significant.
How do the texts you have studied explore these ideas? Refer to your set text/s and one other text of your own choosing.
Discovery, whilst it has the potential to be intensely transformative, one’s knowledge and foresight of events initiating change removes elements of surprise and sincerity, potentially preventing the individual from undergoing a personal and significant discovery Okay, I'm going to do a big dissection of this sentence just for the purposes of demonstration but if you can read over this yourself and see that something's wrong, you'll probably be able to fix it. I'll explain this nevertheless just for others' benefits or by way of showing you why this is ungrammatical. Also, I believe I am under explicit instructions to "tear it apart," so here goes... :)
First, let's simplify what you're saying:
Discovery, whilst it can be transformative, knowledge removes elements of surprise, preventing people from undergoing discovery.
The main problem here is that at the start, I'm thinking 'discovery' is going to be the focus of this sentence, but then yuo switch to talking about knowledge and foresight. It's kind of like:
(Discovery, (whilst it can be transformative) ) (knowledge (removes elements of surprise,) (preventing people from undergoing discovery.))
The second part of this sentence is totally fine: we've got 'knowledge' as our focus, and we're saying that it a) 'removes elements of surprise' and b) 'prevents people from undergoing discovery.' However, when we look at the first bit, we can see that it's incomplete. If I just said to you 'Discovery, whilst it can be transformative.' you'd be like ...umm, what about it? Cause it's an incomplete sentence, right? What are we saying about discovery?? The 'whilst it can be transformative' bit is just an extra aside; it can't complete the sentence for us. To use a similar example:
'My mother, even though she's 43, my father is a talented builder, responsible for constructing our whole house.'
See how we've got 'my mother' isolated as our opening focus, but we never go on to say anything about her? This is because the topic of the sentence (see above feedback for Hamza98 for a more detailed explanation of this) shifts in a way that isn't obvious to the reader.
The reason I'm drawing so much attention to this is because if your assessor is confused by your very first sentence, it can make a bad impression that's hard to undo. Perhaps this was a typo or a mistake that you know is wrong, but it's still going to stand out to the person reading your essay, so you want to make sure that initial impression is as flawless as can be :). In Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Miranda’s ignorance of her past allows her to be transformed whilst Prospero’s knowledge and orchestration of his own discovery prevents him from undergoing a substantially transformative experience. Good point. Similarly, the persona in Nicole Redhouse’s short story ‘This is who you are. You’ll see’, is raised with an intellectual knowledge of his future discoveries, diminishing, if not entirely removing, their impact on him. Ideally you want your introductions to be geared more so towards ideas rather than evidence, but since this is a fairly short speech, I can't really blame you for not introducing a whole bunch of broad discussion points given that you presumably had quite a short word limit or time restriction. Just for future reference, try not to put specific pieces of evidence in introductions for your essays - this treads the line between being a bit too specific, though it's fine in this context.
A lack of intellectual and emotional knowledge of one’s self leads to a heightened impact of discovery. In Shakespeare’s The Tempest, the protagonists daughter, Miranda this sounds a bit odd seeing as you've kind of introduced her in your introduction (hence why you don't want to put evidence there; it preempts later discussion!), has been confined to the island for most of her life, leading to a limited intellectual understanding of discoveries within anindividual’s her lifetime. The idea of topic sentences is to outline a general concern which you then use to 'zoom in' to the text. So it goes from broad discussion about the nature of discovery --> specific textual examples of the aforementioned idea. What you've done here, though, is gone from the general idea, into the text, and then back to a general idea ('...understanding of discoveries within an individual's life') at the end. Make this a linear transition from A to B, and you can then zoom out at the end of your paragraph and go back to these general ideas once your point has been made. Upon learning of her origins from Prospero, she claims ‘Your tale, sir, would cure deafness’, hyperbolically conveying her amazement at new knowledge. Conversely, the persona in Nicole Redhouse’s short story ‘This is who you are. You’ll see’ again, this similarity in phrasing with the intro (which would be, at most, thirty seconds apart in a speech) sounds a bit clunky has grown up with parents as psychologists, and from a young age is intellectually aware of his developmental maturity but as a result, emotionally unable to connect. His most significant discovery comes as an ‘epiphanic moment of clarity’ during an unplanned evening of drinking. Redhouse’s reference to the Oedipus complex as the persona’s ‘psychology buddies’ discuss Freud’s cultural dominance and the persona’s unawareness and ‘strange ambivalence’ towards the concept, it seems like you're skimming the surface of this evidence without explaining the example and what it demonstrates. I'm struggling to follow your logic here even though I'm familiar with your text. So the persona makes reference to Oedipal complexes while his 'psychology buddies' discuss Freud, so his unawareness/ambivalence show the power of unexpected discoveries... ??? Perhaps it's because you're doing this so quickly, but I think the explanation needs to be a bit more step-by-step to ensure the audience are following your train of thought. Even a few extra sentences would help clarify this connection reinforces the power of unexpected enlightenment. Likewise, one of Miranda’s most significant discoveries is the one most unexpected to her: the appearance of Ferdinand. Her religious allusion describing Ferdinand as ‘A thing divine, for nothing natural I ever saw so noble’ reinforces starting to repeat this word a bit - find synonyms if this is something you use often! the positively heightened impact of unforeseen encounters. And conversely with Redhouse’s persona, high modality descriptions ‘so enraged by his dogma that your glass break in your white-knuckled hand’ presents the profound negative effects of unanticipated revelations. However positive or negative, the unexpectedness of discoveries increase their impact. Nice point, but going back and forth between the texts might actually be to the detriment of your discussion overall. I'm a big fan of in-paragraph comparisons contrary to the one-paragraph-per-text approach that others may favour, but you never want to compare at the expense of analysing. Thus, instead of going from Shakespeare to Redhouse to Shakespeare to Redhouse, perhaps incorporate your analysis of Shakespeare at the beginning, then transition to discussing Redhouse, and zoom out at the end by reinforcing the idea(s) that will link them together. This just makes it less jumpy for your audience, and might enable you to better flesh out your examples rather than feeling the need to transition too soon.
An individual’s awareness of their future experiences and the consequential repercussions impairs their capacity to personally connect to their discoveries. Prospero in The Tempest undergoes a journey of discovery of his own orchestration. His ‘art’, brief aside: if this is a speech and you're required to use textual evidence, you should try and draw attention to the fact that you're quoting here. This is really hard to explain through the medium of text, but basically think about how your intonation could change to reflect the fact that you're citing an example. You almost want to have those quotation marks evident in your voice by having a bit of a pause between 'His' and 'art' and you might even use your body language to imply that you're referencing something. Little details like this can make all the difference :) and position as the engineer of what occurs on stage puts him in control of his own development, and while he is able to make discoveries about forgiveness, his self-importance leaves him fixated on the past as he requests ‘retire me to Milan’. this isn't quite integrated, and might sound a bit odd if you have to read it aloud. Similarly, the persona in ‘This is who you are. You’ll see’ you generally don't have to repeat the title after you've used it once. It'd be enough to say 'Redhouse's protagonist...' or 'in Redhouse's short story...' uses second person ‘you are in the throes of teenage cynicism, from which vantage point it seems a deeply clichéd thing to do’, this isn't integrated either - make the quote fit in your sentence so that if I took the quotation marks away, it'd still should grammatical emphasizing his distance from his emotions and arrested ability to feel the significance of his own discovery. Commonly mesmerising journeys are diminished to passing phrases like ‘Also, you want to travel’ removing their significance. He is simultaneous intellectually aware and emotionally ignorant of his developmental achievements as he journeys through life, and in order to discover, must retract intellectually. In the case of Prospero, as he pleads for the audience to ‘Let your indulgence set me free' in his epilogue,demonstrates demonstrating an acceptance of diminished control leading to his substantial forgiveness of his ‘enemies’ in offering them a ‘hearty welcome’ in Act 5. It sounds a bit odd to say Prospero's pleading leads to his forgiveness of his enemies when the latter occurs first, and the 'Let your indulgence' bit is the very last line of the play.
Thus it can be seen that discoveries have the potential to be both personal and significant however an individual’s knowledge and control over their own discovery plays a substantial role in the impact of the discovery. Good wrap-up, though obviously this wouldn't be enough for a full essay. It's perfectly fine for a speech, though you may have had an extra line or two just to reinforce this idea and explain some of its other facets, rather than just giving us a somewhat abrupt, one-sentence summation.
Really good work overall - there's not much here to unpack since this is a fairly short piece, but in general, your textual analysis was pretty decent, and you've supported your thesis statement well. Be careful not to transition between examples too often as there were moments where I thought the importance of your evidence could've been fleshed out a little more. Also, make sure you're integrating your quotes appropriately. Other than that, you're all good :) Well done!
How do the texts you have studied explore these ideas? Refer to your set text/s and one other text of your own choosing.
Discovery, whilst it has the potential to be intensely transformative, one’s knowledge and foresight of events initiating change removes elements of surprise and sincerity, potentially preventing the individual from undergoing a personal and significant discovery Okay, I'm going to do a big dissection of this sentence just for the purposes of demonstration but if you can read over this yourself and see that something's wrong, you'll probably be able to fix it. I'll explain this nevertheless just for others' benefits or by way of showing you why this is ungrammatical. Also, I believe I am under explicit instructions to "tear it apart," so here goes... :)
First, let's simplify what you're saying:
Discovery, whilst it can be transformative, knowledge removes elements of surprise, preventing people from undergoing discovery.
The main problem here is that at the start, I'm thinking 'discovery' is going to be the focus of this sentence, but then yuo switch to talking about knowledge and foresight. It's kind of like:
(Discovery, (whilst it can be transformative) ) (knowledge (removes elements of surprise,) (preventing people from undergoing discovery.))
The second part of this sentence is totally fine: we've got 'knowledge' as our focus, and we're saying that it a) 'removes elements of surprise' and b) 'prevents people from undergoing discovery.' However, when we look at the first bit, we can see that it's incomplete. If I just said to you 'Discovery, whilst it can be transformative.' you'd be like ...umm, what about it? Cause it's an incomplete sentence, right? What are we saying about discovery?? The 'whilst it can be transformative' bit is just an extra aside; it can't complete the sentence for us. To use a similar example:
'My mother, even though she's 43, my father is a talented builder, responsible for constructing our whole house.'
See how we've got 'my mother' isolated as our opening focus, but we never go on to say anything about her? This is because the topic of the sentence (see above feedback for Hamza98 for a more detailed explanation of this) shifts in a way that isn't obvious to the reader.
The reason I'm drawing so much attention to this is because if your assessor is confused by your very first sentence, it can make a bad impression that's hard to undo. Perhaps this was a typo or a mistake that you know is wrong, but it's still going to stand out to the person reading your essay, so you want to make sure that initial impression is as flawless as can be :). In Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Miranda’s ignorance of her past allows her to be transformed whilst Prospero’s knowledge and orchestration of his own discovery prevents him from undergoing a substantially transformative experience. Good point. Similarly, the persona in Nicole Redhouse’s short story ‘This is who you are. You’ll see’, is raised with an intellectual knowledge of his future discoveries, diminishing, if not entirely removing, their impact on him. Ideally you want your introductions to be geared more so towards ideas rather than evidence, but since this is a fairly short speech, I can't really blame you for not introducing a whole bunch of broad discussion points given that you presumably had quite a short word limit or time restriction. Just for future reference, try not to put specific pieces of evidence in introductions for your essays - this treads the line between being a bit too specific, though it's fine in this context.
A lack of intellectual and emotional knowledge of one’s self leads to a heightened impact of discovery. In Shakespeare’s The Tempest, the protagonists daughter, Miranda this sounds a bit odd seeing as you've kind of introduced her in your introduction (hence why you don't want to put evidence there; it preempts later discussion!), has been confined to the island for most of her life, leading to a limited intellectual understanding of discoveries within an
An individual’s awareness of their future experiences and the consequential repercussions impairs their capacity to personally connect to their discoveries. Prospero in The Tempest undergoes a journey of discovery of his own orchestration. His ‘art’, brief aside: if this is a speech and you're required to use textual evidence, you should try and draw attention to the fact that you're quoting here. This is really hard to explain through the medium of text, but basically think about how your intonation could change to reflect the fact that you're citing an example. You almost want to have those quotation marks evident in your voice by having a bit of a pause between 'His' and 'art' and you might even use your body language to imply that you're referencing something. Little details like this can make all the difference :) and position as the engineer of what occurs on stage puts him in control of his own development, and while he is able to make discoveries about forgiveness, his self-importance leaves him fixated on the past as he requests ‘retire me to Milan’. this isn't quite integrated, and might sound a bit odd if you have to read it aloud. Similarly, the persona in ‘This is who you are. You’ll see’ you generally don't have to repeat the title after you've used it once. It'd be enough to say 'Redhouse's protagonist...' or 'in Redhouse's short story...' uses second person ‘you are in the throes of teenage cynicism, from which vantage point it seems a deeply clichéd thing to do’, this isn't integrated either - make the quote fit in your sentence so that if I took the quotation marks away, it'd still should grammatical emphasizing his distance from his emotions and arrested ability to feel the significance of his own discovery. Commonly mesmerising journeys are diminished to passing phrases like ‘Also, you want to travel’ removing their significance. He is simultaneous intellectually aware and emotionally ignorant of his developmental achievements as he journeys through life, and in order to discover, must retract intellectually. In the case of Prospero, as he pleads for the audience to ‘Let your indulgence set me free' in his epilogue,
Thus it can be seen that discoveries have the potential to be both personal and significant however an individual’s knowledge and control over their own discovery plays a substantial role in the impact of the discovery. Good wrap-up, though obviously this wouldn't be enough for a full essay. It's perfectly fine for a speech, though you may have had an extra line or two just to reinforce this idea and explain some of its other facets, rather than just giving us a somewhat abrupt, one-sentence summation.
Really good work overall - there's not much here to unpack since this is a fairly short piece, but in general, your textual analysis was pretty decent, and you've supported your thesis statement well. Be careful not to transition between examples too often as there were moments where I thought the importance of your evidence could've been fleshed out a little more. Also, make sure you're integrating your quotes appropriately. Other than that, you're all good :) Well done!
Feedback for supercooper284:
Spoiler
How has the treatment of similar content in a pair of texts shaped and reshaped your understanding of the values and attitudes of their differing contexts?
In all aspects of literature, authors seek to convey perspectives that reflect the context of the period in which they write, through their works. A comparative study of James Joyce’s Dubliners and Seamus Heaney’s Poems reveals how such authors incorporate their differing contexts into their writing, which in turn helps to shape and re-shape one’s understanding of the values and attitudes of 20th century Ireland. Ireland is a nation defined by its religious attitudes, its political context (Northern vs Southern, unionist vs nationalist) don't put brackets in formal writing, and don't use 'vs.' either. Not only is it a colloquial abbreviation, but it's also not technically a word since 'versus' is a kind of new-age construction that a lot of English teachers detest :P and its urban and rural landscapes. And so, this is a bit of a weak linking phrase. Aim for something stronger like 'Furthermore...' 'Thus...' or 'To this end...' both authors discuss the paralysing nature of Irish society, with Joyce focusing solely on stasis and Heaney recognising confinement but moving beyond this ideal into reflection. This is due to their differing physical and historical contexts, urban vs rural and 20s vs 60s see above, which assist in emphasising their views towards everyday Irish stasis, religious oppression and the paralysing nature of familial duty. this is a bit 'list-y.' Try not to have your introduction contain a sentence that just runs down your major sub-arguments - either integrate them into your introductory discussions, or just leave them out and let your topic sentences do the outlining for you.
The similar content discussed in the story Counterparts and the poem Casualty reveals around expression. This should either be 'revolves around' or just 'reveals' the paralysing nature of every day <--one word, in this context, not two life in Ireland. Joyce centres his story around the protagonist, Farrington, who is a representation of the desolation that overshadowed the lives those living in urban Ireland in the 1920s. Joyce uses this character to highlight the paralysing nature of everyday Irish society you've already got some unnecessary repetition here. The topic sentence states that Joyce explores everyday paralysis, then you introduce the protagonist Farrington as a key point of evidence, then here state that Farrington represents everyday paralysis. Don't overtly mark your evidence by stating what it means both before and after bringing it up - think of your essay as a linear journey or train of thought - doing loops and backtracking isn't really ideal if you're trying to get your assessors from A to B. and the cyclical, mundanity that is every day’s reality. Joyce describes Dublin wait, so we're not discussing Farrington? Wht was he brought up in the previous sentence if you're focussing on Joyce's characterisation of Dublin? as a gloomy place as “Darkness, accompanied by a thick fog, was gaining upon the dusk of February.” Such a pictorial description sets the reader up to identify the context as dark and confining, forming the basis of paralysis in the story. Joyce often proposes the idea of confronting the stasis, as when, “His whose? This quote isn't integrated and it's not clear what its context is body ached to do something, to rush out and revel in violence.” However while the idea is mentioned, it is never acted upon and so the characters in his story cease to break free from this confinement. This is where Heaney differs. Heaney approaches the idea of every day stasis with reference to a Historical no need to capitalise this event - The Bloody Sunday riots, in Casualty. The verse discusses occupation and is a reflection on his own choice to become a writer through the character. The character described, “Had gone miles away/ For he drank like a fish/Nightly, naturally/ Swimming towards the lure/ Of warm lit-up places.” Heaney uses enjambment to control the tempo of the poem, and literary effects such as simile “drank like a fish” and alliteration “nightly, naturally” to emphasise the obvious, repeated drinking ritual that the protagonist centres his life around okay, but why does a simile and some alliteration emphasise the obvious repetitiveness of the protagonist's daily rituals? You might be right, but you've haven't quite shown me that you're right - you've just stated that there is a connection between this evidence and your idea. Heaney, however, goes further than Joyce’s description of paralysis by idealising this sort of ritualistic lifestyle, “I tasted freedom with him.” this isn't integrated. Make the words of the text fit your sentences such that the punctuation could be removed and things would still make sense; don't just put your evidence at the end of the sentence. This kind of structured paralysis gives purpose to the character’s life, <-- should be a semicolon here so much so that it ends up being the very thing that kills him, but he found a sense of freedom within the confines of the character who lived according to a ritual - drinking. <--link?--> Both stories touch on the ideal of societal stasis in Ireland, however comparing these two writings re-shape ones understanding of the values of Irish culture that developed between the 1920s and 1960s, in two different physical contexts. your end point is a bit too general. Which values of Irish culture have you explored here? And which physical contexts? You've got the right idea in terms of zooming out and having a more general sentence at the end, but you have to make sure it's based on the foundation of the discussion that has preceded it, otherwise you've just got a really general summative point that isn't actually summarising what you've talked about. It's kind of like having a point of evidence and then wrapping up by saying 'Therefore both texts explore a variety of core ideas and common societal concerns in different ways.' <-- that's technically right, but it's also a bit too zoomed out to be meaningful.
^link?-->The connection between Eveline and Mid-Term Break lies within the discussion of familial responsibility and the paralysing nature of this duty. Joyce writes from the perspective of a female eldest child, who is bogged down with the duty of being a mother to her younger siblings. He describes this responsibility as restricting, her only hope of freedom being to get married - “But in her new home, in distant, unknown country, it would not be like that. Then she would be married - she, Eveline.” see above regarding quote integration. This self identification, in aligning her own name next to the prospect of marriage, idealises freedom for the protagonist. how so? I'm not following Her familial duties, however, tie her to her homeland, and so when the opportunity to leave arises, she narrates, “No! No! No! It was impossible. Her hands clutched the iron in frenzy. Amid the seas she sent a cry of anguish……She set her white face to him, passive, like a helpless animal.” I think the problem might be that your quotes are simply too long. You're not meant to insert entire sentences from the set text in your pieces - you're meant to select the important bits of that evidence and just incorporate those. The integration at the start of this quote is a bit better than other instances in your piece, but the fact that you're quoting over 30 words kind of undermines that effort. Aim to have quotes that are eight words or less - if you're quoting any more than that, then you've probably got some unnecessary details there that aren't actually contributing to your argument. The ending to the story is an image of absolute paralysis, where Joyce uses the contextual ideal of familial duty to disable the protagonist from breaking free of her confinement. This is emphasised by the use of similie, “Like a helpless animal.” combining these sentences would let you embed this evidence in a much smoother way (eg. 'Joyce uses the contextual ideal of familiar duty, as evidenced in the simile of her being "like a helpless animal," in order to disable the protagonist from breaking free of her confinement.' <--link?-->In Mid-Term Break, Heaney describes the duty of an eldest sibling from a male perspective. The poem is written with elegiac intentions, and so the tone is more reflective than that of Eveline, which is assisted by the form of the text. The strain placed on the protagonist in this text, however, is much less of a burden than for the female in Eveline. The boy “Was embarrased/ By old men standing up to shake my hand/ And tell me they were ‘sorry for my trouble.’” sort of integrated, only you should be modyifying the 'my' and 'me's to '[his]' and '[him]' by using square brackets. This is a description of the boys ‘role as a father’ are you quoting here?, shaking friends <-- should be an apostrophe after the 's' here because it's plural and possessive hands at the funeral. However his duty is far less constricting. This difference in the interpretation of familial duty outlines the differences in responsibility between genders. The poem moves away from the restrictive nature of responsibility in the beginning, surpassing the confinement that Eveline is based on. While the expectations placed on an eldest sibling of a family is not unique to one culture, the perspectives offered by Joyce and Heaney suggest that for Irish Catholic families, a very heavy burden of responsibility falls on the eldest child. Contrast can be found between both authors’ interpretation of familial stasis, shaping emphasising the different attitudes towards male and female eldest sibling duty in 20th century Ireland. Great stuff! This para conclusion is much better :) You've built out to a specific idea, yet you've got a broad enough focus to be able to comment on both texts' core ideas - really great stuff!
Ultimately, the idea of Irish paralysis in both rural and urban Ireland in the 20th century, is discussed all throughout Joyce’s short stories and Heaney’s Poems unless the title of the text is 'Poems' which I don't think it is ('Selected Poems' maybe) this should just be lowercase. Both authors, however, approach religious paralysis, societal stasis and the confining nature of familial duty avoid listing, from differing historical and physical contexts. Therefore, the ideas expressed in their texts help to shape and re-shape each other, as one are you using 'one' in the context of 'one person'/'a reader,' or as in 'one of the texts?' The former is fine, but the latter would make this sentence ungrammatical compares and contrasts the attitudes of each author towards paralysis. The ultimate message of each text is to highlight Irish culture, in both a negative and a reflective light, giving the reader insight into Irish cultural perspectives surrounding stasis in the 20th century. The continuing effect of this discussionon of paralysis encourages the reader to think about the restrictions found within one’s own context, and Heaney’s poetry in particular, no comma here is an encouragement to break free of such restraints. Studying the texts together leads to a greater understanding of the nature and effects of paralysis. For society, it is important to recognise paralysing agents in order to break free from these constraints, perhaps even small things that hold us back from adventure in everyday life. Conclusion is a little rambly once you get past the listing; try to wrap things up quickly and concisely.
So there's some good textual discussion here, and I'm impressed you're able to discuss 'Dubliners' so well since that's definitely one of the hardest books on the HSC list. Structurally, there are some issues here though. The discussion in NKD's essay feedback regarding listing ideas in the intro and conclusion is also relevant for you, so I'd recommend checking that out if this is something you struggle with.
Quote integration is another big thing - you want to make the evidence you're quoting fit the sentence that you're writing so that (and I think I've mentioned this in your essay,) if you were to take away the quotation marks, it should still make sense grammatically. So for instance, if I'm taking the original quote: “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.” and I want to put that into my essay, I might say:
Joyce describes Mr. Duffy as "liv[ing] a short distance from his body," which signifies...
or
In the text "Mr. Duffy live[s ] a short distance from his body," which implies...
I may not have to use [square brackets] to modify things every time, but see how the language of the text is smoothly incorporated into the discussion? That should be your goal when embedding textual evidence.
You also need some more substantial linking sentences when transitioning between texts within paragraphs, and between paragraphs. Most of the time you'd just go from talking about one text to another like '...as is reinforced in Joyce's protagonist. In Heaney's story, the idea of...' which is permissible in moderation, but shouldn't be your default/only way of transitioning. Words like 'Similarly...' and 'Contrarily' go a long way :)
However, for a rough draft, this is an awesome start, and you're doing so much right. (Forgive me for being the kind of marker who pays attention to weaknesses rather than strengths :P) Keep it up; you've got a great foundation here for further improvement.
In all aspects of literature, authors seek to convey perspectives that reflect the context of the period in which they write, through their works. A comparative study of James Joyce’s Dubliners and Seamus Heaney’s Poems reveals how such authors incorporate their differing contexts into their writing, which in turn helps to shape and re-shape one’s understanding of the values and attitudes of 20th century Ireland. Ireland is a nation defined by its religious attitudes, its political context (Northern vs Southern, unionist vs nationalist) don't put brackets in formal writing, and don't use 'vs.' either. Not only is it a colloquial abbreviation, but it's also not technically a word since 'versus' is a kind of new-age construction that a lot of English teachers detest :P and its urban and rural landscapes. And so, this is a bit of a weak linking phrase. Aim for something stronger like 'Furthermore...' 'Thus...' or 'To this end...' both authors discuss the paralysing nature of Irish society, with Joyce focusing solely on stasis and Heaney recognising confinement but moving beyond this ideal into reflection. This is due to their differing physical and historical contexts, urban vs rural and 20s vs 60s see above, which assist in emphasising their views towards everyday Irish stasis, religious oppression and the paralysing nature of familial duty. this is a bit 'list-y.' Try not to have your introduction contain a sentence that just runs down your major sub-arguments - either integrate them into your introductory discussions, or just leave them out and let your topic sentences do the outlining for you.
The similar content discussed in the story Counterparts and the poem Casualty reveals around expression. This should either be 'revolves around' or just 'reveals' the paralysing nature of every day <--one word, in this context, not two life in Ireland. Joyce centres his story around the protagonist, Farrington, who is a representation of the desolation that overshadowed the lives those living in urban Ireland in the 1920s. Joyce uses this character to highlight the paralysing nature of everyday Irish society you've already got some unnecessary repetition here. The topic sentence states that Joyce explores everyday paralysis, then you introduce the protagonist Farrington as a key point of evidence, then here state that Farrington represents everyday paralysis. Don't overtly mark your evidence by stating what it means both before and after bringing it up - think of your essay as a linear journey or train of thought - doing loops and backtracking isn't really ideal if you're trying to get your assessors from A to B. and the cyclical, mundanity that is every day’s reality. Joyce describes Dublin wait, so we're not discussing Farrington? Wht was he brought up in the previous sentence if you're focussing on Joyce's characterisation of Dublin? as a gloomy place as “Darkness, accompanied by a thick fog, was gaining upon the dusk of February.” Such a pictorial description sets the reader up to identify the context as dark and confining, forming the basis of paralysis in the story. Joyce often proposes the idea of confronting the stasis, as when, “His whose? This quote isn't integrated and it's not clear what its context is body ached to do something, to rush out and revel in violence.” However while the idea is mentioned, it is never acted upon and so the characters in his story cease to break free from this confinement. This is where Heaney differs. Heaney approaches the idea of every day stasis with reference to a Historical no need to capitalise this event - The Bloody Sunday riots, in Casualty. The verse discusses occupation and is a reflection on his own choice to become a writer through the character. The character described, “Had gone miles away/ For he drank like a fish/Nightly, naturally/ Swimming towards the lure/ Of warm lit-up places.” Heaney uses enjambment to control the tempo of the poem, and literary effects such as simile “drank like a fish” and alliteration “nightly, naturally” to emphasise the obvious, repeated drinking ritual that the protagonist centres his life around okay, but why does a simile and some alliteration emphasise the obvious repetitiveness of the protagonist's daily rituals? You might be right, but you've haven't quite shown me that you're right - you've just stated that there is a connection between this evidence and your idea. Heaney, however, goes further than Joyce’s description of paralysis by idealising this sort of ritualistic lifestyle, “I tasted freedom with him.” this isn't integrated. Make the words of the text fit your sentences such that the punctuation could be removed and things would still make sense; don't just put your evidence at the end of the sentence. This kind of structured paralysis gives purpose to the character’s life, <-- should be a semicolon here so much so that it ends up being the very thing that kills him, but he found a sense of freedom within the confines of the character who lived according to a ritual - drinking. <--link?--> Both stories touch on the ideal of societal stasis in Ireland, however comparing these two writings re-shape ones understanding of the values of Irish culture that developed between the 1920s and 1960s, in two different physical contexts. your end point is a bit too general. Which values of Irish culture have you explored here? And which physical contexts? You've got the right idea in terms of zooming out and having a more general sentence at the end, but you have to make sure it's based on the foundation of the discussion that has preceded it, otherwise you've just got a really general summative point that isn't actually summarising what you've talked about. It's kind of like having a point of evidence and then wrapping up by saying 'Therefore both texts explore a variety of core ideas and common societal concerns in different ways.' <-- that's technically right, but it's also a bit too zoomed out to be meaningful.
^link?-->The connection between Eveline and Mid-Term Break lies within the discussion of familial responsibility and the paralysing nature of this duty. Joyce writes from the perspective of a female eldest child, who is bogged down with the duty of being a mother to her younger siblings. He describes this responsibility as restricting, her only hope of freedom being to get married - “But in her new home, in distant, unknown country, it would not be like that. Then she would be married - she, Eveline.” see above regarding quote integration. This self identification, in aligning her own name next to the prospect of marriage, idealises freedom for the protagonist. how so? I'm not following Her familial duties, however, tie her to her homeland, and so when the opportunity to leave arises, she narrates, “No! No! No! It was impossible. Her hands clutched the iron in frenzy. Amid the seas she sent a cry of anguish……She set her white face to him, passive, like a helpless animal.” I think the problem might be that your quotes are simply too long. You're not meant to insert entire sentences from the set text in your pieces - you're meant to select the important bits of that evidence and just incorporate those. The integration at the start of this quote is a bit better than other instances in your piece, but the fact that you're quoting over 30 words kind of undermines that effort. Aim to have quotes that are eight words or less - if you're quoting any more than that, then you've probably got some unnecessary details there that aren't actually contributing to your argument. The ending to the story is an image of absolute paralysis, where Joyce uses the contextual ideal of familial duty to disable the protagonist from breaking free of her confinement. This is emphasised by the use of similie, “Like a helpless animal.” combining these sentences would let you embed this evidence in a much smoother way (eg. 'Joyce uses the contextual ideal of familiar duty, as evidenced in the simile of her being "like a helpless animal," in order to disable the protagonist from breaking free of her confinement.' <--link?-->In Mid-Term Break, Heaney describes the duty of an eldest sibling from a male perspective. The poem is written with elegiac intentions, and so the tone is more reflective than that of Eveline, which is assisted by the form of the text. The strain placed on the protagonist in this text, however, is much less of a burden than for the female in Eveline. The boy “Was embarrased/ By old men standing up to shake my hand/ And tell me they were ‘sorry for my trouble.’” sort of integrated, only you should be modyifying the 'my' and 'me's to '[his]' and '[him]' by using square brackets. This is a description of the boys ‘role as a father’ are you quoting here?, shaking friends <-- should be an apostrophe after the 's' here because it's plural and possessive hands at the funeral. However his duty is far less constricting. This difference in the interpretation of familial duty outlines the differences in responsibility between genders. The poem moves away from the restrictive nature of responsibility in the beginning, surpassing the confinement that Eveline is based on. While the expectations placed on an eldest sibling of a family is not unique to one culture, the perspectives offered by Joyce and Heaney suggest that for Irish Catholic families, a very heavy burden of responsibility falls on the eldest child. Contrast can be found between both authors’ interpretation of familial stasis, shaping emphasising the different attitudes towards male and female eldest sibling duty in 20th century Ireland. Great stuff! This para conclusion is much better :) You've built out to a specific idea, yet you've got a broad enough focus to be able to comment on both texts' core ideas - really great stuff!
Ultimately, the idea of Irish paralysis in both rural and urban Ireland in the 20th century, is discussed all throughout Joyce’s short stories and Heaney’s Poems unless the title of the text is 'Poems' which I don't think it is ('Selected Poems' maybe) this should just be lowercase. Both authors, however, approach religious paralysis, societal stasis and the confining nature of familial duty avoid listing, from differing historical and physical contexts. Therefore, the ideas expressed in their texts help to shape and re-shape each other, as one are you using 'one' in the context of 'one person'/'a reader,' or as in 'one of the texts?' The former is fine, but the latter would make this sentence ungrammatical compares and contrasts the attitudes of each author towards paralysis. The ultimate message of each text is to highlight Irish culture, in both a negative and a reflective light, giving the reader insight into Irish cultural perspectives surrounding stasis in the 20th century. The continuing effect of this discussion
So there's some good textual discussion here, and I'm impressed you're able to discuss 'Dubliners' so well since that's definitely one of the hardest books on the HSC list. Structurally, there are some issues here though. The discussion in NKD's essay feedback regarding listing ideas in the intro and conclusion is also relevant for you, so I'd recommend checking that out if this is something you struggle with.
Quote integration is another big thing - you want to make the evidence you're quoting fit the sentence that you're writing so that (and I think I've mentioned this in your essay,) if you were to take away the quotation marks, it should still make sense grammatically. So for instance, if I'm taking the original quote: “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.” and I want to put that into my essay, I might say:
Joyce describes Mr. Duffy as "liv[ing] a short distance from his body," which signifies...
or
In the text "Mr. Duffy live[s ] a short distance from his body," which implies...
I may not have to use [square brackets] to modify things every time, but see how the language of the text is smoothly incorporated into the discussion? That should be your goal when embedding textual evidence.
You also need some more substantial linking sentences when transitioning between texts within paragraphs, and between paragraphs. Most of the time you'd just go from talking about one text to another like '...as is reinforced in Joyce's protagonist. In Heaney's story, the idea of...' which is permissible in moderation, but shouldn't be your default/only way of transitioning. Words like 'Similarly...' and 'Contrarily' go a long way :)
However, for a rough draft, this is an awesome start, and you're doing so much right. (Forgive me for being the kind of marker who pays attention to weaknesses rather than strengths :P) Keep it up; you've got a great foundation here for further improvement.
edit: okay, I have exceeded my own land-speed record for stupid amounts of essay feedback and have hit the forum's word limit ::) so @lha & diiiiiiiii, please see below :P
Post by: literally lauren on February 28, 2016, 04:14:33 pm
Spoiler
Compare how Tirra Lirra by the River and Tennyson’s poetry explore truth and happiness.
Truth and happiness arecomplimentary I'm assuming you mean complEmentary, as in, they go together, rather than complimentary which implies that they give compliments to and say nice things about each other :P concepts which allow an author to implement into their text an exploration of related values. Alfred Tennyson’s poetry, specifically “In Memoriam”, “The Lady of Shallot” and “Tears, Idle Tears”, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, published in 1978 are they all published in this year?, are dissimilar in terms of context but share a complimentary see above examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness. In spite of the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century, the motive of relaying these societal assumptions that the authors have conveyed is highly similar and eminently influences Tennyson and Anderson’s overall messages. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principal concept being portrayed; the truthful process the main characters must undertake in order to achieve ultimate happiness. This isn't really a 'concept,' and how is it that a process can be truthful, exactly? Your expression and flow is awesome, but the content of this sentence is making me ask some questions, and you don't want your assessor to be able to ask questions of your essay. This search for happiness and truth is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact that the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters and their ability to find truth, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to overcome their grief and achieve true happinessthis is list-y. It's not quite as obvious since you've only got two body paragraphs instead of three, but having this one-for-one correspondence between sentences in your introduction and topic sentences for your body paragraphs isn't a great idea as it can become quite repetitive, and many assessors regard it as filler..
Most prominently, both Tennyson and Anderson explore what is true and what is false by drawing from the context of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of their women. In Tirra Lirra by the River, the societal context of Australia and England during two time periods, the present (1970s) present?? This is more than 40 years in the past!? The 1970s are closer to the 1940's than they are to the present day. Also, try not to use brackets in formal essays - embed the information in your sentences instead. and the past (post war 1940s) is critical to the progression of the novel’s plot. The chronological proximity of these time frames enables the readers to identify the differences and advancements that were made in each society’s context, allowing the readers to identify the shift in gender roles and their effect on the authentic happiness of women. Anderson’s characterization of Nora represents her as a complex, nuanced and sophisticated woman, having a sensitive and artistic temperament, should be a semicolon here entirely the opposite of what a stereotypical woman should have reflected in the 1940s. Nora’s awareness of her disparate personality is conveyed through, “I was a backward and innocent girl, living in a backward and unworldly place” this quote isn't integrated. See above feedback for supercooper for an explanation of how to go about achieving this. Anderson’s use of the main character’s self-monologue declares her authenticity and truthfulness through an explanation of her unusual outlook on life for a female, enabling the realisation that it would have an unfavourable consequence on her overall happiness. Arbitrary gender roles, shown through the high modality ofthe declarative statement claimed by Colin, Colin's declaration that “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasises the dominating role of men and the elimination of women in the workplace during the post WWII era. Quoting Nora, “Colin won’t let me”, needs to be integrated expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through the use of diction which creates a persuasive effect huh? ??? Diction has to do with pronunciation, and I'm not quite sure what's persuasive about this(?), further reinforcing the gender restrictions that she is under and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness wat represents her pure happiness? Her lack of choice? The end of this sentence is a bit unclear. Similarly, Tennyson has displayed specific duties of women in his famous poem, “The Lady of Shalott”, by creating an allegory which acts as his case against established gender roles in the Victorian era. The use of iambic tetrameter by Tennyson we already know it's by him, you don't have to over-introduce things creates a sense of urgency and thus, truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. The lady of Shalott, for example, is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. The statement that follows, “overlook a space of flowers”, integration juxtaposes the previous line by showing the lifelessness of the tower versus the vibrancy of the nature of Camelot; a dark tone which signifies the lady of Shalott’s genuine depressing are you trying to say that the emotions she feels depresses the audience, or that she feels depression, because at the moment, you're saying the former emotions due to the way she has to live. this isn't grammatical; if you're using a semicolon, then the stuff on either side of the semicolon has to be a self-contained sentence. (<--see?) But if I were to do something like this; it's very ungrammatical. <--that's because the first part isn't a sentence on its own. To take your example: 'a dark tone which signifies the lady of Shalott's genuine depressing emotions due to the way she has to live' - that's not a self-contained sentence, meaning the semicolon doesn't belong here. Try and just split this into its own sentence and change the wording a bit. This further reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora, which although more subtle, presents a similar restriction. Furthermore, accurate social standards included being married expression is a bit clunky here and I'm not sure what you mean by 'accurate social standards' ...as opposed to inaccurate ones? and this is conveyed through, “she hath no loyal knight and true” integration. The use of the word “knight” characterizes a man in the Victorian era to be of high standards and thus the fact that “she hath no knight” proposes implies that a woman is lacking if she is not married, again, strengthening Tennyson’s point through his own poetic method. Through Anderson and Tennyson’s societal context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative connotation effect that it has they have on a female’s happiness and ability to have trust in society.
^link?-->Memories are subjective, and therefore untrue, in nature, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. Tirra Lirra by the River’s Nora, for example, successfully portrays you're using this word quite a bit, so this'd be a good one to find synonyms for to help you during test conditions when you want to avoid repetition the capabilities of selective memories in the process of conquering sadness and self-realisation, and shows her bias towards her past experiences from the beginning of the novel. Anderson refers to Nora’s memories through the metaphor of a “globe of memory”, indicating her abundance of memories and knowledgeable truth. how? What's the connection between this evidence and your idea? “I have been careful not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side” represents her high selectivity integration of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing <--this is well integrated!!! See how it fits the context of the sentence, and that if we took away the quotation marks, it'd still make sense? More of this!!!, indicating that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WW2 time that essentially caused her the pain that she does not want to revisit, as forgetting about certain things will help her on her journey to recovery. Despite her preference to not remember her troubled background,“I don’t mind the fact that she doesn't mind "inspecting some of the dark patches…” signifies her desire to end her misery by seeking out the truth, as the difficulties that the war brought into her life is now over. The use of foreshadowing and ellipses constitutes a dramatic pause allowing the readers to anticipate what truth Nora knows about her past to cause her heartache. The high modality present in, “only I like to manipulate the globe myself” integration emphasises the strong bias behind her recollections that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness what's the link between this evidence and this interpretation? Take me with you on your train of thought, and try to spell out your logic step by step, as this is where many of the marks are. Simply saying 'this evidence emphasises/demonstrates/portrays this idea' isn't really sufficient.. Anderson gives her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness as a coping mechanism due to the WW2 that occurred during Nora’s youth, which brought about many of the hardships she would face in her later years. Likewise, Tennyson has created a theme of the pleasing pain of remembering the past not sure what you're referring to here, but the linking between texts is good in both “Tears, Idle Tears” and “In Memoriam”. In spite of the pain that the protagonist feels in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual ? death of his loved one, remembering her truthfully provides comfort in Tennyson’s poem. The Victorian era consisted of mourning rituals that epitomised the time in which an individual would pass away, and thus the importance of the memories that the protagonist obtains of his loved one that help him in his grieving has been expressed by Tennyson to communicate this significant truth. “Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail, That brings our friends up from the underworld” integration creates imagery of a ‘sail’ coming into view, proclaiming his hope of his “friends” it seems like when you use shorter quotes, you're able to integrate them properly, so maybe force yourself to quote shorter excerpts more often as a means of providing evidence, rather that having chunks of sentences that just sit there and don't grammatically belong in your discussion, actually referring to memories, coming back from the dead (“underworld”). The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect but HOW and WHY does this evidence support this assertion? of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing, does it? What is it foreshadowing, exactly? which insinuates that something happened recently, contrasting with the title, “tears, idle tears” which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. This suggests that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving; promoting Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has on for recovery and true happiness. As the title “In Memoriam” connotes, Tennyson composed this poem to remember the death of his beloved friend as a coping mechanism in the process of mourning. The repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “here in the long unlovely street” two instances of a letter doesn't always equal repetition, and I don't think this is the strongest evidence you could be using. What else is this evidence doing - what other language in this poem is contributing to meaning? and suggests a protracted period of time spent on the “unlovely street”, a symbol of the distressing memories that he has confronted in order to lament the absence of his friend, which proved to be arduous for Tennyson due to his surrounding community that restricted his expressing of emotions. The truthfully loving memories that he has been left with is represented through the emotive language avoid this phrase unless you intend to immediately get more specific about which emotions are being evoked in “such precious relics brought by thee”, implying that these memories he has selected will allow his true happiness. Anaphora is applied in “ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,…ring out, wild bells, and let him die”, the phrase “ring out” drawing an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles that the old year brought, symbolizing the effect of recalling factual memories of his friend which frees the negative spirit to bring about a positive influence okay, you've lost me here? What is the significance of this evidence? Your discussion is getting a bit confusing, and thus sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan perhaps it's because I'm not entirely sure what this paragraph is arguing, but I don't think this is the right word here them in context of the Victorian era where being in agony during a death was crucial. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson.
Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose-fiction novel,Tirra Lirra by the River, no need to restate the title if you've already introduced it earlier and have been exploring it in detail adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts. The strong analysis of the negative effect of discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness and capability of trusting, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow the overcoming of grief to attain genuine happiness, have favourably allowed the exploration of truth and happiness in each composer’s exclusive societal and political contexts, consisting of the Victorian era, post WW2 1940s and the 1970s. listing isn't necessary here.
You're off to a good start with this discussion, but there are some little things holding you back.
The first and most apparent is your quote integration - you need to make the authors' language fit within your sentences; you can't just say "The author's use of this poetic device, as seen in "blah blah blah quote from the text" which portrays this idea." Instead, you want to select only the most relevant bits of the text and insert them into your analysis smoothly, as you have done with some of the one and two word quotes here. Try to minimise the amount of evidence you're needing to cite, and just prioritise the integration of quotes when structuring your sentences.
And on that note, be careful with the structure of your essay too. I know some teachers who wouldn't mind there being two body paragraphs, but others greatly prefer a minimum of three to ensure there's both depth and breadth in your ideas. If possible, try and find some way of splitting this to form three or four B.P.s, or just make sure you plan in advance to have a sufficiently broad discussion in future.
Only other point I'd like to make is in relation to spelling out your evidence - often you'd bring up an example from the text and state that it demonstrated or conveyed something, but the connection wasn't really clear. For instance:
To address your concerns, I think you've examined the prompt and the notions of truth and happiness sufficiently, though the two-pronged discussion does make your exploration feel a bit too narrow. I'm not too sure what you mean by needing to 'evaluate' though - are you talking about your capacity to make judgements about the connections and ideas in both texts? Perhaps this is just terminology your teacher uses to describe something else, so if I'm wrong, let me know and maybe I can explain whether or not you've 'evaluated' well. Sorry I can't be more help on that front.
There's a great basis for discussion here, though, and you really just have to iron out a few issues with the structure of your approach, and you should be all good! :)
Truth and happiness are
Most prominently, both Tennyson and Anderson explore what is true and what is false by drawing from the context of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of their women. In Tirra Lirra by the River, the societal context of Australia and England during two time periods, the present (1970s) present?? This is more than 40 years in the past!? The 1970s are closer to the 1940's than they are to the present day. Also, try not to use brackets in formal essays - embed the information in your sentences instead. and the past (post war 1940s) is critical to the progression of the novel’s plot. The chronological proximity of these time frames enables the readers to identify the differences and advancements that were made in each society’s context, allowing the readers to identify the shift in gender roles and their effect on the authentic happiness of women. Anderson’s characterization of Nora represents her as a complex, nuanced and sophisticated woman, having a sensitive and artistic temperament, should be a semicolon here entirely the opposite of what a stereotypical woman should have reflected in the 1940s. Nora’s awareness of her disparate personality is conveyed through, “I was a backward and innocent girl, living in a backward and unworldly place” this quote isn't integrated. See above feedback for supercooper for an explanation of how to go about achieving this. Anderson’s use of the main character’s self-monologue declares her authenticity and truthfulness through an explanation of her unusual outlook on life for a female, enabling the realisation that it would have an unfavourable consequence on her overall happiness. Arbitrary gender roles, shown through the high modality of
^link?-->Memories are subjective, and therefore untrue, in nature, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. Tirra Lirra by the River’s Nora, for example, successfully portrays you're using this word quite a bit, so this'd be a good one to find synonyms for to help you during test conditions when you want to avoid repetition the capabilities of selective memories in the process of conquering sadness and self-realisation, and shows her bias towards her past experiences from the beginning of the novel. Anderson refers to Nora’s memories through the metaphor of a “globe of memory”, indicating her abundance of memories and knowledgeable truth. how? What's the connection between this evidence and your idea? “I have been careful not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side” represents her high selectivity integration of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing <--this is well integrated!!! See how it fits the context of the sentence, and that if we took away the quotation marks, it'd still make sense? More of this!!!, indicating that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WW2 time that essentially caused her the pain that she does not want to revisit, as forgetting about certain things will help her on her journey to recovery. Despite her preference to not remember her troubled background,
Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose-fiction novel,
You're off to a good start with this discussion, but there are some little things holding you back.
The first and most apparent is your quote integration - you need to make the authors' language fit within your sentences; you can't just say "The author's use of this poetic device, as seen in "blah blah blah quote from the text" which portrays this idea." Instead, you want to select only the most relevant bits of the text and insert them into your analysis smoothly, as you have done with some of the one and two word quotes here. Try to minimise the amount of evidence you're needing to cite, and just prioritise the integration of quotes when structuring your sentences.
And on that note, be careful with the structure of your essay too. I know some teachers who wouldn't mind there being two body paragraphs, but others greatly prefer a minimum of three to ensure there's both depth and breadth in your ideas. If possible, try and find some way of splitting this to form three or four B.P.s, or just make sure you plan in advance to have a sufficiently broad discussion in future.
Only other point I'd like to make is in relation to spelling out your evidence - often you'd bring up an example from the text and state that it demonstrated or conveyed something, but the connection wasn't really clear. For instance:
Quote from: paragraph 2
The high modality present in, “only I like to manipulate the globe myself” emphasises the strong bias behind her recollections that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness.How is it that the high modality of that quote emphasises her biased recollections? You need to be more specific in terms of how and why certain evidence is suppirting your points. It's kind of like you're starting and ending in exactly the right places, but you just need to make that crucial mid-way point more obvious in order to get credit for your discussion.
To address your concerns, I think you've examined the prompt and the notions of truth and happiness sufficiently, though the two-pronged discussion does make your exploration feel a bit too narrow. I'm not too sure what you mean by needing to 'evaluate' though - are you talking about your capacity to make judgements about the connections and ideas in both texts? Perhaps this is just terminology your teacher uses to describe something else, so if I'm wrong, let me know and maybe I can explain whether or not you've 'evaluated' well. Sorry I can't be more help on that front.
There's a great basis for discussion here, though, and you really just have to iron out a few issues with the structure of your approach, and you should be all good! :)
Feedback diiiiiiiii:
Spoiler
Analyse how the central values portrayed in Pride and Prejudice are creatively reshaped in Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen.
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context. Accordingly, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813)(Pride) just check with your teacher to make sure this is something you can do - I know it's frowned upon in VCE, but maybe HSC teachers are nicer when it comes to simplifying the titles and Fay Weldon’s meta-fictional hybrid novel Letters to Alice(1993)(Letters) demonstrates how a transition in context from Austen’s 19th Century <-- no need to capitalise this Regency England to Weldon’s late 20th century post-modern world engenders distinct societal values and attitudes. In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, acomparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to creatively reshape values and enrich textual appreciations.
Austen and Weldon, united in their concerns for the suppressed female condition, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Awesome topic sentence! Critical of legal institutions including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride make sure you put the title of the text in quotation marks or underline it when you handwrite essays censures her androcentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Indeed, her characterisation of Charlotte Lucas as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident by her cynical decree that “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”, exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. niiiiice ;) As such, Charlotte becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet who issocially constructed by Austen to subvert social convention. Despite comprehending that matrimony entails financial and social stability within Regency context, Elizabeth’s emotive repudiation of Mr Collin’s proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her desire to remain autonomous from traditional expectations of feminity. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and consequentially “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, with the hyperbole emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Great stuff. Be careful not to overdo the quotes as having three in such quick succession might be a bit overwhelming, but given that you've integrated them well and explain them sufficiently, what you've got at the moment is fine here. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked through individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, no comma here is characterised by “connubial felicity” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen elevates individual autonomy over repressive social constructs, either no comma, or reword this to '...social constructs, as she infers it to be instrumental in achieving self fulfilment...' as instrumental to self-fulfilment and emotional contentment.
Likewise, Weldon in Letters eulogises the universal value of autonomy, reshaping it to her postmodern context by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered through the Equal Pay Act (1970) unfortunately I'm limited in my experience here, but I believe assessors tend to frown on any mention of external evidence that doesn't directly contribute to your argument. I think it would be safer to simply say '...greater economic autonomy afforded to women, brought about by social advancements leading to more enlightened values regarding gender.' unless you have a specific reason for mentioning the Equal Pay Act. Empowered by the second wave feminist movement, Weldon trivialises the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff our women’s magazines..[with]...the stuff of their life” , whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to an “outmoded institution” within the 1980’s. In light of dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- characterised “with black and green hair” in a manifestation of modern individuality- no dash or comma needed here captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth. Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt non-conformist ideals choose a different synonym here to prevent repetition with the quote by “swim[ming] against the stream of communal ideals”. The metaphor lends authority to herrhetorical question “How can I possibly tell you to run your life?”, rhetorically questioning how she can "possibly tell [her] to run [her] life,"emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures. Ironically, the persona of Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality and the imperative “must”, when asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”. Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” despite subverting Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to communicate importance of autonomy for success and in doing so reshape Austen’s values. Awesome closer, and I'm loving the way you spell out your analysis here.
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal. In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, such as conduct books, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. Satirising such ineffectual education, Austen constructs the caricature of Mary who, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility,evident as as is evidenced by the fact that she “wished to say something sensible, but knew not how”. great analysis here Asserting the didactic axiom you don't really 'assert' an 'axiom.' 'Didactically asserting that...' would be fine here that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that an valuable moral education is only attainable through introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. This is an improvement as you've isolated a particular element of Locke's philosophy that is pertinent here, though again, I'm not sure whether this external reference is valuable. If your teacher is a fan, then ignore this, but in general, I'd say it's best to keep your analysis to the worlds of the text. Indeed, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”. Contrasting Mary’s defective education, Elizabeth’s eclaircissement, Congratulations. You have used a verb I don't think I've ever seen used in an essay before. And you've used it properly. And it's quite a lovely word :) depicted by the epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she is ultimately able to address her moral shortcomings. Through Elizabeth’s bildungsroman careful; this is a noun, not an adjective. So you can refer to 'Pride and Prejudice' as a bildungsroman, but you can't comment on Elizabeth's 'bildungsroman journey' as this would be like commenting on her 'romance upbringing.' Think of the 'bildungsroman' as being a kind of sub-genre of novels just like 'romance' or 'tragedy' are. journey, Austen promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through either 'through extolling' or just 'given' its ability to improve an individual’s moral capacity.
Whereas Austen champions introspection, Weldon in Letters promotes literature and its ability to develop empathy, as the greatest source of moral development. However within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. She censures Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, emphasising, through anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits morality. Modelling Austen’s epistolary style to enhance her didactic assertions, Weldon encourages Alice to read “Literature with a capital L”, and in doing so echoes (careful with expression in these complex sentences) Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”. Employing the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, and thus provide readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. As such, Weldon depicts literature’s ability to figuratively “stretch our sensibilities and our understandings” by prompting readers to empathise through vicarious experiences. This tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Engaging in retrospective historiography, Weldon contextualises Pride through statistic data that “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize”, effectively eliciting pathos from the responder to vindicate Charlotte’s decision of marrying Mr Collins. For failing to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Weldon satirises institutionalised education in her parody of exam and essay rubrics “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, this isn't integrated as well as your other quotes, and essay rubrics tend to apply to those tables with different criteria (like this), whereas what you've isolated here is more like an essay topic or prompt reflecting Austen’s critique of an ineffectual education. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her postmodern context, advocating the literary canon in contrast to Austen’s value of introspection this would sound more natural as 'the value Austen places on introspection' or perhaps 'Austen's valuing of introspection'.
Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th century no caps values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enablingresponders either 'readers' or 'audience' would be preferred to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of both texts.
Awesome job - I can tell you've made an effort to improve the flow of everything. Your conclusion in particular is much more impressive now.
Sentences in blue are, as before, using that somewhat clunky structure; they don't all have to change, but those instances where you've got two in quick succession should be avoided in future. None of them are ungrammatical though, so it's not too big of a concern.
There were a few really minor issues with your word choices and quote integration, but again, nothing too severe. Most of them seem more like typos or slip-ups than the product of some mistake in your internal grammar. I've flagged them just so you get used to appraising and proofing your own work, though I wouldn't be too concerned about it.
Now I'm going to give you some advice that I got from my Year 12 Literature teacher which I personally disagree with, but think is worth acknowledging: some assessors don't like it when students use big words. Disclaimer: I would defend your vocabulary here since it's clear that you know the meaning of the words you're using, but when you have sentences like "In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights" - you can understand why a teacher might be inclined to be more critical of your expression and word usage later in your piece.
The way I rationalise this now is that, firstly, if you're using words and syntactic constructions that draw attention to your expression, it means you're drawing attention to your expression, and that means that any slip-up, no matter how slight, is going to be noticed. Secondly, some of the assessors will by dumber than you. C'est la vie. That shouldn't discourage you from using sophsiticated vocabulary, but it should make you wary of writing sentences that are overly complicated, even if they're technically 'right.'
In short, good vocabulary is efficient vocabulary. At present, the majority of the language you're using seems to be helping you express your ideas clearly and concisely, meaning that there shouldn't be a problem. If, however, you slip into the 'using-too-many-big-words-and-obfuscating-your-ideas' territory, then I could understand a marker taking umbrage at the quality of your writing.
So this isn't so much of a reflection on your current essay as it is a pre-emptive recommendation for the future, but keep an eye on your expression and always prioritise clarity and efficiency over seeming sophistication since I remember tipping the balance on a few of my practice essays back in the day, and my teacher was rather displeased :)
This is still a really solid piece of analysis though, and most of these comments are just pertaining to little things that need fine tuning, so you're definitely on the right track.
Good luck with it all!
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context. Accordingly, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813)(Pride) just check with your teacher to make sure this is something you can do - I know it's frowned upon in VCE, but maybe HSC teachers are nicer when it comes to simplifying the titles and Fay Weldon’s meta-fictional hybrid novel Letters to Alice(1993)(Letters) demonstrates how a transition in context from Austen’s 19th Century <-- no need to capitalise this Regency England to Weldon’s late 20th century post-modern world engenders distinct societal values and attitudes. In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, acomparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to creatively reshape values and enrich textual appreciations.
Austen and Weldon, united in their concerns for the suppressed female condition, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Awesome topic sentence! Critical of legal institutions including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride make sure you put the title of the text in quotation marks or underline it when you handwrite essays censures her androcentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Indeed, her characterisation of Charlotte Lucas as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident by her cynical decree that “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”, exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. niiiiice ;) As such, Charlotte becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet who is
Likewise, Weldon in Letters eulogises the universal value of autonomy, reshaping it to her postmodern context by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered through the Equal Pay Act (1970) unfortunately I'm limited in my experience here, but I believe assessors tend to frown on any mention of external evidence that doesn't directly contribute to your argument. I think it would be safer to simply say '...greater economic autonomy afforded to women, brought about by social advancements leading to more enlightened values regarding gender.' unless you have a specific reason for mentioning the Equal Pay Act. Empowered by the second wave feminist movement, Weldon trivialises the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff our women’s magazines..[with]...the stuff of their life” , whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to an “outmoded institution” within the 1980’s. In light of dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- characterised “with black and green hair” in a manifestation of modern individuality- no dash or comma needed here captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth. Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt non-conformist ideals choose a different synonym here to prevent repetition with the quote by “swim[ming] against the stream of communal ideals”. The metaphor lends authority to her
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal. In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, such as conduct books, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. Satirising such ineffectual education, Austen constructs the caricature of Mary who, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility,
Whereas Austen champions introspection, Weldon in Letters promotes literature and its ability to develop empathy, as the greatest source of moral development. However within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. She censures Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, emphasising, through anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits morality. Modelling Austen’s epistolary style to enhance her didactic assertions, Weldon encourages Alice to read “Literature with a capital L”, and in doing so echoes (careful with expression in these complex sentences) Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”. Employing the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, and thus provide readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. As such, Weldon depicts literature’s ability to figuratively “stretch our sensibilities and our understandings” by prompting readers to empathise through vicarious experiences. This tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Engaging in retrospective historiography, Weldon contextualises Pride through statistic data that “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize”, effectively eliciting pathos from the responder to vindicate Charlotte’s decision of marrying Mr Collins. For failing to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Weldon satirises institutionalised education in her parody of exam and essay rubrics “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, this isn't integrated as well as your other quotes, and essay rubrics tend to apply to those tables with different criteria (like this), whereas what you've isolated here is more like an essay topic or prompt reflecting Austen’s critique of an ineffectual education. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her postmodern context, advocating the literary canon in contrast to Austen’s value of introspection this would sound more natural as 'the value Austen places on introspection' or perhaps 'Austen's valuing of introspection'.
Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th century no caps values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enabling
Awesome job - I can tell you've made an effort to improve the flow of everything. Your conclusion in particular is much more impressive now.
Sentences in blue are, as before, using that somewhat clunky structure; they don't all have to change, but those instances where you've got two in quick succession should be avoided in future. None of them are ungrammatical though, so it's not too big of a concern.
There were a few really minor issues with your word choices and quote integration, but again, nothing too severe. Most of them seem more like typos or slip-ups than the product of some mistake in your internal grammar. I've flagged them just so you get used to appraising and proofing your own work, though I wouldn't be too concerned about it.
Now I'm going to give you some advice that I got from my Year 12 Literature teacher which I personally disagree with, but think is worth acknowledging: some assessors don't like it when students use big words. Disclaimer: I would defend your vocabulary here since it's clear that you know the meaning of the words you're using, but when you have sentences like "In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights" - you can understand why a teacher might be inclined to be more critical of your expression and word usage later in your piece.
The way I rationalise this now is that, firstly, if you're using words and syntactic constructions that draw attention to your expression, it means you're drawing attention to your expression, and that means that any slip-up, no matter how slight, is going to be noticed. Secondly, some of the assessors will by dumber than you. C'est la vie. That shouldn't discourage you from using sophsiticated vocabulary, but it should make you wary of writing sentences that are overly complicated, even if they're technically 'right.'
In short, good vocabulary is efficient vocabulary. At present, the majority of the language you're using seems to be helping you express your ideas clearly and concisely, meaning that there shouldn't be a problem. If, however, you slip into the 'using-too-many-big-words-and-obfuscating-your-ideas' territory, then I could understand a marker taking umbrage at the quality of your writing.
So this isn't so much of a reflection on your current essay as it is a pre-emptive recommendation for the future, but keep an eye on your expression and always prioritise clarity and efficiency over seeming sophistication since I remember tipping the balance on a few of my practice essays back in the day, and my teacher was rather displeased :)
This is still a really solid piece of analysis though, and most of these comments are just pertaining to little things that need fine tuning, so you're definitely on the right track.
Good luck with it all!
*exhales*
As always, let me know if you have questions about any of these comments :)
Post by: lha on February 28, 2016, 04:36:19 pm
Thank you. For theevaluate part, I mean have I said how the author has explored truth and happiness well enough?
Post by: literally lauren on February 28, 2016, 07:10:08 pm
Hi lauren,Ahh, I see. I reckon your exploration is sufficient, but it's possible that your teacher will expect something more specific or explicit, so maybe check with them? But seeing as you've made your focus clear at the most crucial moments (ie. the intro, starts and ends of paragraphs, and the conclusion) you should be fine :)
Thank you. For the evaluate part, I mean have I said how the author has explored truth and happiness well enough?
Post by: Spencerr on February 28, 2016, 07:55:02 pm
Referring to your feedback on Equal Pay Act, teachers at my school stress the importance of having a 'context sentence' (i.e. the sentence after the topic sentence always gives the factual context behind the argument in the paragraph). Do you think that piece of context fits well there?
Also I'm just a bit concerned about slipping into story telling as opposed to analysis. Do you think there are places where I haven't analysed enough or that there are gaps in my arguments?
Once again, thanks so much Lauren!
Post by: literally lauren on February 28, 2016, 09:17:05 pm
I don't think you were in any danger of lapsing into summary, but three quick tips to help you avoid it nonetheless:
1) use the authors' names often. Sentences that contain their names are unlikely to be summative because they force you to consider what the author is doing or intending, both of which require analysis and close discussion.
2) use the right verbs. Obviously if you're saying things like 'says,' 'describes' and arguably 'shows,' (as in 'Austen says...') then things are going to come across as summative. Instead, get more descriptive. How is the author saying, describing, or portraying something? Is she celebrating it? Condeming it? Vilifying it? Vituperating it? etc. etc.
3) turn verbs into nouns occasionally. Take the following sentence:
Austen suggests that Elizabeth felt compelled to acquiesce to societal expectations.
On its own, that might sound a bit too summative, but if we turn that verb 'suggests' into its noun form, 'suggestion,' then we get:
Austen's suggestion that Elizabeth felt compelled to acquiesce to societal expectations...
See how the sentence is incomplete now, and we have to add more information at the end here? (like, 'Austen's suggestion... establishes a sense of X' or 'Austen's suggestion... encourages readers to consider Y or 'Austen's suggestion... forms part of her assertion that Z')
^This process is called 'nominalisation' (=noun-ifying things) and is a great way to stop yourself from unintentionally summarising things.
Post by: brenden on February 29, 2016, 10:30:52 am
Hey all! Due to overwhelming use of this service, we will now be restricting essay marking to people who have 5 or more ATAR Notes posts.
The idea here is that there will be less essays for us to mark because people can't post an essay as their first (and perhaps only ever) post. However, it doesn't make it any harder to get essay marking, given that 5 posts is an incredibly low and easy number. You can ask questions on any subject, or perhaps even try answering some questions on your own! Once you have 5 posts, your essays will be marked for free in any of our essay marking threads. Thanks for your understanding, happy studies!
Post by: rosielaird on February 29, 2016, 12:33:56 pm
Please give me feedback it is due in 2 days!
Thanks all xx
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 29, 2016, 05:11:22 pm
This is my essay for Joyce and Heaney, Module A,
Please give me feedback it is due in 2 days!
Thanks all xx
Hi Rosielaird! Thanks for posting your essay.
Unfortunately, we've recently had to restrict essay marking to those who've been participating in the community and have 5 or more posts from their account. The reason for this is that, essentially, we want to keep giving awesome feedback. Essay marking is extremely demanding of one's time and the entire service becomes useless if too many people use it: Either we'd have massive backlogs, or feedback would be nowhere near as helpful.
I know it's tough given that your assessment is in a matter of days but we're under strict instructions from Brenden to abide by the rule. This is just in the interests of fairness, one rule for everyone consistently applied.
I seriously am really sorry to have to turn you down :( I did have a quick peek at your essay and it reads extremely well! Keep reading it over and really think about each sentence, make sure each one backs up your central argument and that this argument is well developed in your Thesis. If you can meet the post requirement before your task is due, message me privately to make sure I know and I'll mark your essay properly as first priority! ;D
Post by: abiksmith on February 29, 2016, 07:05:56 pm
Please help, this essay is for Module A, we are doing Julius Caesar (Shakespeare) and The Prince (Machiavelli)
The question is “How has the treatment of similar content in a pair of texts shaped and reshaped your understanding of the values and attitudes of their differing contexts.”
I am struggling to write a conclusion
Niccolo Machiavelli and William Shakespeare both demonstrate their prowess in their respective texts, The Prince (1532), and Julius Caesar (1599) by addressing issues relevant to the contexts in which they were created. The purpose of Machiavelli’s The Prince was to highlight to the Medici Family how to be a good leader in the early Renaissance period. Whereas, Shakespeare wrote Julius Caesar to address his Elizabethan audience allegorically commenting on the power struggle of late Renaissance England. Shakespeare represents an array of characters who display many Machiavellian “leadership” characteristics. Ideas on successful leadership are initially shaped in Machiavelli’s treatise, and are again reshaped when considering Shakespeare’s representation of various characters of the conspiracy and aftermath of Caesar’s assassination. Machiavelli said great leaders should possess intelligence, acquire and utilise information for his or her needs through fear, ruthlessness and brutality when necessary. Examples of these characteristics in Julius Caesar, can be seen through select character’s dialogue, their actions towards other characters and the way their fellow characters describe them. While Shakespeare’s characters do not fully ascribe to all Machiavellian leadership qualities, t understood that there were moments when the ideal qualities Machiavelli explained in The Prince, become apparent in Shakespeare’s characters, Cassius, Brutus, Mark Antony and Julius Caesar.
One trait that Machiavelli explored was the need for a successful leader to be intelligent. Not just scholarly, but more so wisdom. He explains in Chapter 20: Are Fortresses, And Many Other Things To Which Princes Often Resort, Advantageous Or Hurtful? that “...the first method for estimating intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.” (Chpt. 20) Similarly, Shakespeare portrays Caesar’s level of intelligence by looking at the men he surrounds himself with, through dialogue Caesar states, “Let me have men about me that are fat/ Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep a-nights.” (Act 1 scene 2) Caesar states further on in a conversation with Antony that Cassius is the opposite of the people he wants to be surrounded by, “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look/ He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” (Act 1 scene 2) His authoritative tone describes Cassius as looking “lean and hungry,” Caesar feels threatened that Cassius “thinks too much,” meaning he is wise. The audience could compare Cassius to a fox’s cunning and sly characteristics, Cassius’ “hungry look” metaphorically represents his desire for power and control. Unfortunately, Caesar did not conform to Machiavelli’s leadership necessities, meaning that Caesar lacked the intelligence of a leader, surrounding himself with only “yes men.” By only wanting “fat, sleek-headed men” around him, rather than knowledgeable and intelligent men, who may have warned him about the conspirators or the warning signs leading up to his assassination.
When a leader has a high level of intelligence, he is able to manipulate that in ways to benefit himself and “win over” the masses. Machiavelli ensured this idea was reinforced throughout his novel to highlight its importance in a successful leader. Stating that a leader should never “...attempt to win by force what can be won by deception.” (REF) Shakespeare’s character, Mark Antony, uses his intelligence and wit to manipulate not only the conspirators into letting him address the crowd but also change the alliance of the crowd. Antony begins his speech with a statement he will later contradict and invert, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” (Act 3 scene 2) His emotive language and factual tone, slowly manipulates the crowd as his speech goes on. He justifies the conspirators actions in assassinating Caesar by declaring that “Brutus is an honourable man,” but later turns this phrase around rhetorically and sarcastically saying just how “honourable” Brutus is. Shakespeare used repetition in the speech, each time Antony states “Brutus is an honourable man,” (Act 3 scene 2) the line loses its validity and meaning. The masses begin to question Brutus’ intentions and prior actions. “ I thrice presented him a kingly crown,/ Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?/ Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,/ And sure he is an honourable man.” (Act 3 scene 2) Further on in Julius Caesar, Antony successfully displays the manipulation of a crowd when he produces Caesar’s will, but refuses to read it, therefore withholding information to generate suspense in the crowd. Machiavelli stated that a leader “...must learn how not to be good, and use knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires,” (REF) in order to maintain his authority. In Antony’s choice to prolong the reading of Caesar's will, he creates suspense and distracts the crowd, which causes them to forget about the will. Antony successfully manipulates the crowd, returning their loyalty to Caesar, eventually encouraging them to right the injustice of Caesar’s assassination.
Machiavelli highlights early on in The Prince, that it is far more important “...to be feared than loved if you cannot be both,” (REF) as people will almost always “bow down” to fear, especially when there are consequences involved. Contrastingly, in modern-day society we know that, “Ultimately, fear is a negative emotion. Sure, in the right circumstances it can be used effectively. It can drive needed change quickly,” according to the 3 Most Common Downfalls of Leaders. Shakespeare demonstrated this fear that drove change when the conspirators assassinated Caesar. Brutus states assertively, “It was not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.” (Act 3 scene 2) This justifies the killing to the masses, leading them to believe that Caesar’s death was in their best interests, when it was actually to ensure the aristocracy did not lose their power. The battle between fear and love in Julius Caesar, can be summarised in one line uttered in confusion by Caesar as he is killed, “Et tu, Brute!” Caesar’s surprise can be understood by Shakespeare’s audience, as it is an unlikely action taken by someone Caesar trusted. The way in which the conspirators elected to kill Caesar could be seen as cowardly and brutal, they all “ganged up” on him, and went behind his back, literally, in order to accomplish the murder.
Another trait that Machiavelli stated was important for a prosperous leader, is the ability to be ruthless and brutal towards those who wrong them, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” (REF) The brutally honest, factual way Machiavelli states this allows the readers to understand plainly just how important ruthlessness and brutality is in a leader. Brutus and Cassius both conform to this Machiavellian characteristic when they kill Caesar, stabbing him thirty-three times. In the aftermath of the murder, Brutus triumphantly commands the rest of the conspirators “Stoop, Romans, stoop,/ And let us bathe our hands in Caesar’s blood/Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.” (Act 3 scene 2) This dialogue is conveyed in a proud manner, the conspirators parade around the streets of Rome shouting, “...Peace, freedom and liberty!” (Act 3 scene 2) Brutus believes that he has Rome’s best interests at hand when the assassination occurs.
(REF) stands for reference
Thanks again
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 29, 2016, 11:32:52 pm
Hi,
Please help, this essay is for Module A, we are doing Julius Caesar (Shakespeare) and The Prince (Machiavelli)
...
Thanks again
Hi abiksmith! Thanks for posting your essay.
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Post by: cynthianguyen_ on March 01, 2016, 02:29:35 pm
I was wondering if you could help me out with an assessment question we are doing at school. It is a speech on W.B.Yeats' selected poetry. Out of the 4 poems we were given, I chose "Wild Swans At Coole" (more personal) and "Easter 1916". The question is:
“It is the tension, between the personal and political that creates interest in Yeats’ poetry”
What I wanted to ask was for you to clarify what the tension between the personal and political actually is. I'm not to sure how it relates to W.B.Yeats. Also if you could give us some arguments that we could use and revolve our analysis around, that would be super awesome!!
Thanks guys,
Cynthia :)
Year 12
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 01, 2016, 07:20:05 pm
Hi,
Please help, this essay is for Module A, we are doing Julius Caesar (Shakespeare) and The Prince (Machiavelli)
The question is “How has the treatment of similar content in a pair of texts shaped and reshaped your understanding of the values and attitudes of their differing contexts.”
Thanks again
Hey there! I'm happy to see you on the threads :)
Here is your original essay, unmarked:
Spoiler
Niccolo Machiavelli and William Shakespeare both demonstrate their prowess in their respective texts, The Prince (1532), and Julius Caesar (1599) by addressing issues relevant to the contexts in which they were created. The purpose of Machiavelli’s The Prince was to highlight to the Medici Family how to be a good leader in the early Renaissance period. Whereas, Shakespeare wrote Julius Caesar to address his Elizabethan audience allegorically commenting on the power struggle of late Renaissance England. Shakespeare represents an array of characters who display many Machiavellian “leadership” characteristics. Ideas on successful leadership are initially shaped in Machiavelli’s treatise, and are again reshaped when considering Shakespeare’s representation of various characters of the conspiracy and aftermath of Caesar’s assassination. Machiavelli said great leaders should possess intelligence, acquire and utilise information for his or her needs through fear, ruthlessness and brutality when necessary. Examples of these characteristics in Julius Caesar, can be seen through select character’s dialogue, their actions towards other characters and the way their fellow characters describe them. While Shakespeare’s characters do not fully ascribe to all Machiavellian leadership qualities, t understood that there were moments when the ideal qualities Machiavelli explained in The Prince, become apparent in Shakespeare’s characters, Cassius, Brutus, Mark Antony and Julius Caesar.
One trait that Machiavelli explored was the need for a successful leader to be intelligent. Not just scholarly, but more so wisdom. He explains in Chapter 20: Are Fortresses, And Many Other Things To Which Princes Often Resort, Advantageous Or Hurtful? that “...the first method for estimating intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.” (Chpt. 20) Similarly, Shakespeare portrays Caesar’s level of intelligence by looking at the men he surrounds himself with, through dialogue Caesar states, “Let me have men about me that are fat/ Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep a-nights.” (Act 1 scene 2) Caesar states further on in a conversation with Antony that Cassius is the opposite of the people he wants to be surrounded by, “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look/ He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” (Act 1 scene 2) His authoritative tone describes Cassius as looking “lean and hungry,” Caesar feels threatened that Cassius “thinks too much,” meaning he is wise. The audience could compare Cassius to a fox’s cunning and sly characteristics, Cassius’ “hungry look” metaphorically represents his desire for power and control. Unfortunately, Caesar did not conform to Machiavelli’s leadership necessities, meaning that Caesar lacked the intelligence of a leader, surrounding himself with only “yes men.” By only wanting “fat, sleek-headed men” around him, rather than knowledgeable and intelligent men, who may have warned him about the conspirators or the warning signs leading up to his assassination.
When a leader has a high level of intelligence, he is able to manipulate that in ways to benefit himself and “win over” the masses. Machiavelli ensured this idea was reinforced throughout his novel to highlight its importance in a successful leader. Stating that a leader should never “...attempt to win by force what can be won by deception.” (REF) Shakespeare’s character, Mark Antony, uses his intelligence and wit to manipulate not only the conspirators into letting him address the crowd but also change the alliance of the crowd. Antony begins his speech with a statement he will later contradict and invert, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” (Act 3 scene 2) His emotive language and factual tone, slowly manipulates the crowd as his speech goes on. He justifies the conspirators actions in assassinating Caesar by declaring that “Brutus is an honourable man,” but later turns this phrase around rhetorically and sarcastically saying just how “honourable” Brutus is. Shakespeare used repetition in the speech, each time Antony states “Brutus is an honourable man,” (Act 3 scene 2) the line loses its validity and meaning. The masses begin to question Brutus’ intentions and prior actions. “ I thrice presented him a kingly crown,/ Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?/ Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,/ And sure he is an honourable man.” (Act 3 scene 2) Further on in Julius Caesar, Antony successfully displays the manipulation of a crowd when he produces Caesar’s will, but refuses to read it, therefore withholding information to generate suspense in the crowd. Machiavelli stated that a leader “...must learn how not to be good, and use knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires,” (REF) in order to maintain his authority. In Antony’s choice to prolong the reading of Caesar's will, he creates suspense and distracts the crowd, which causes them to forget about the will. Antony successfully manipulates the crowd, returning their loyalty to Caesar, eventually encouraging them to right the injustice of Caesar’s assassination.
Machiavelli highlights early on in The Prince, that it is far more important “...to be feared than loved if you cannot be both,” (REF) as people will almost always “bow down” to fear, especially when there are consequences involved. Contrastingly, in modern-day society we know that, “Ultimately, fear is a negative emotion. Sure, in the right circumstances it can be used effectively. It can drive needed change quickly,” according to the 3 Most Common Downfalls of Leaders. Shakespeare demonstrated this fear that drove change when the conspirators assassinated Caesar. Brutus states assertively, “It was not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.” (Act 3 scene 2) This justifies the killing to the masses, leading them to believe that Caesar’s death was in their best interests, when it was actually to ensure the aristocracy did not lose their power. The battle between fear and love in Julius Caesar, can be summarised in one line uttered in confusion by Caesar as he is killed, “Et tu, Brute!” Caesar’s surprise can be understood by Shakespeare’s audience, as it is an unlikely action taken by someone Caesar trusted. The way in which the conspirators elected to kill Caesar could be seen as cowardly and brutal, they all “ganged up” on him, and went behind his back, literally, in order to accomplish the murder.
Another trait that Machiavelli stated was important for a prosperous leader, is the ability to be ruthless and brutal towards those who wrong them, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” (REF) The brutally honest, factual way Machiavelli states this allows the readers to understand plainly just how important ruthlessness and brutality is in a leader. Brutus and Cassius both conform to this Machiavellian characteristic when they kill Caesar, stabbing him thirty-three times. In the aftermath of the murder, Brutus triumphantly commands the rest of the conspirators “Stoop, Romans, stoop,/ And let us bathe our hands in Caesar’s blood/Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.” (Act 3 scene 2) This dialogue is conveyed in a proud manner, the conspirators parade around the streets of Rome shouting, “...Peace, freedom and liberty!” (Act 3 scene 2) Brutus believes that he has Rome’s best interests at hand when the assassination occurs.
One trait that Machiavelli explored was the need for a successful leader to be intelligent. Not just scholarly, but more so wisdom. He explains in Chapter 20: Are Fortresses, And Many Other Things To Which Princes Often Resort, Advantageous Or Hurtful? that “...the first method for estimating intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.” (Chpt. 20) Similarly, Shakespeare portrays Caesar’s level of intelligence by looking at the men he surrounds himself with, through dialogue Caesar states, “Let me have men about me that are fat/ Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep a-nights.” (Act 1 scene 2) Caesar states further on in a conversation with Antony that Cassius is the opposite of the people he wants to be surrounded by, “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look/ He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” (Act 1 scene 2) His authoritative tone describes Cassius as looking “lean and hungry,” Caesar feels threatened that Cassius “thinks too much,” meaning he is wise. The audience could compare Cassius to a fox’s cunning and sly characteristics, Cassius’ “hungry look” metaphorically represents his desire for power and control. Unfortunately, Caesar did not conform to Machiavelli’s leadership necessities, meaning that Caesar lacked the intelligence of a leader, surrounding himself with only “yes men.” By only wanting “fat, sleek-headed men” around him, rather than knowledgeable and intelligent men, who may have warned him about the conspirators or the warning signs leading up to his assassination.
When a leader has a high level of intelligence, he is able to manipulate that in ways to benefit himself and “win over” the masses. Machiavelli ensured this idea was reinforced throughout his novel to highlight its importance in a successful leader. Stating that a leader should never “...attempt to win by force what can be won by deception.” (REF) Shakespeare’s character, Mark Antony, uses his intelligence and wit to manipulate not only the conspirators into letting him address the crowd but also change the alliance of the crowd. Antony begins his speech with a statement he will later contradict and invert, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” (Act 3 scene 2) His emotive language and factual tone, slowly manipulates the crowd as his speech goes on. He justifies the conspirators actions in assassinating Caesar by declaring that “Brutus is an honourable man,” but later turns this phrase around rhetorically and sarcastically saying just how “honourable” Brutus is. Shakespeare used repetition in the speech, each time Antony states “Brutus is an honourable man,” (Act 3 scene 2) the line loses its validity and meaning. The masses begin to question Brutus’ intentions and prior actions. “ I thrice presented him a kingly crown,/ Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?/ Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,/ And sure he is an honourable man.” (Act 3 scene 2) Further on in Julius Caesar, Antony successfully displays the manipulation of a crowd when he produces Caesar’s will, but refuses to read it, therefore withholding information to generate suspense in the crowd. Machiavelli stated that a leader “...must learn how not to be good, and use knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires,” (REF) in order to maintain his authority. In Antony’s choice to prolong the reading of Caesar's will, he creates suspense and distracts the crowd, which causes them to forget about the will. Antony successfully manipulates the crowd, returning their loyalty to Caesar, eventually encouraging them to right the injustice of Caesar’s assassination.
Machiavelli highlights early on in The Prince, that it is far more important “...to be feared than loved if you cannot be both,” (REF) as people will almost always “bow down” to fear, especially when there are consequences involved. Contrastingly, in modern-day society we know that, “Ultimately, fear is a negative emotion. Sure, in the right circumstances it can be used effectively. It can drive needed change quickly,” according to the 3 Most Common Downfalls of Leaders. Shakespeare demonstrated this fear that drove change when the conspirators assassinated Caesar. Brutus states assertively, “It was not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.” (Act 3 scene 2) This justifies the killing to the masses, leading them to believe that Caesar’s death was in their best interests, when it was actually to ensure the aristocracy did not lose their power. The battle between fear and love in Julius Caesar, can be summarised in one line uttered in confusion by Caesar as he is killed, “Et tu, Brute!” Caesar’s surprise can be understood by Shakespeare’s audience, as it is an unlikely action taken by someone Caesar trusted. The way in which the conspirators elected to kill Caesar could be seen as cowardly and brutal, they all “ganged up” on him, and went behind his back, literally, in order to accomplish the murder.
Another trait that Machiavelli stated was important for a prosperous leader, is the ability to be ruthless and brutal towards those who wrong them, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” (REF) The brutally honest, factual way Machiavelli states this allows the readers to understand plainly just how important ruthlessness and brutality is in a leader. Brutus and Cassius both conform to this Machiavellian characteristic when they kill Caesar, stabbing him thirty-three times. In the aftermath of the murder, Brutus triumphantly commands the rest of the conspirators “Stoop, Romans, stoop,/ And let us bathe our hands in Caesar’s blood/Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.” (Act 3 scene 2) This dialogue is conveyed in a proud manner, the conspirators parade around the streets of Rome shouting, “...Peace, freedom and liberty!” (Act 3 scene 2) Brutus believes that he has Rome’s best interests at hand when the assassination occurs.
Here is your essay with my comments written in bold so that you can see what I'm thinking upon my first reading.
Spoiler
Niccolo Machiavelli and William Shakespeare both demonstrate their prowess in their respective texts, The Prince (1532), and Julius Caesar (1599) by addressing issues relevant to the contexts in which they were created. The purpose of Machiavelli’s The Prince was (It is best to talk about texts in the present tense. "The purpose of Machiavelli's The Prince is to highlight..." If you think this reads awkwardly, you can change the syntax so this reads as, "Machiavelli's The Prince was made with the purpose of..." to highlight to the Medici Family how to be a good leader in the early Renaissance period. Whereas, Shakespeare wrote Julius Caesar to address his Elizabethan audience(you need a comma here for this to read better) allegorically commenting on the power struggle of late Renaissance England. Shakespeare represents an array of characters who display many Machiavellian “leadership” characteristics. Ideas on successful leadership are initially shaped in Machiavelli’s treatise, and are again reshaped when considering Shakespeare’s representation of various characters of the conspiracy and aftermath of Caesar’s assassination. Machiavelli said (Rather than “said” I think you should use proposed)great leaders should possess intelligence, acquire and utilise information for his or her needs through fear, ruthlessness and brutality when necessary. Examples of these characteristics in Julius Caesar, can be seen through select character’s dialogue, their actions towards other characters and the way their fellow characters describe them. While Shakespeare’s characters do not fully ascribe to all Machiavellian leadership qualities, t understood that there were moments when the ideal qualities Machiavelli explained in The Prince, become apparent in Shakespeare’s characters, Cassius, Brutus, Mark Antony and Julius Caesar. Towards the end here you have gone into technical analysis. Even though it isn’t thorough, it is a bit too soon considering the length of your introduction. Your introduction is very long! You can cut down on words by shortening this last part. Instead, try (this is a rough example – needs tidying): The possession of intelligence, as well as the use of ruthless manipulation of fear, that Machiavelli suggests as being traits of a quality leader are observed in several of Shakespeare’s characters.” Obviously what I’ve suggested needs tidying. Essentially I’ve tried to combine the two texts into the one. If there is one more thing I will suggest you do ADD, it is bringing it back to the values and attitudes because this is your essay question.
One trait that Machiavelli explored was the need for a successful leader to be intelligent. Not just scholarly, but more so wisdomScholarly is an adjective but wisdom is a noun. In this instance they are incomparable. Do you mean wise? Furthermore, before you enter the textual referencing, I think you need to talk about values or attitudes, even if it means replacing the word trait. Your essay needs strong direction of the question. He explains in Chapter 20: Are Fortresses, And Many Other Things To Which Princes Often Resort, Advantageous Or Hurtful? that “...the first method for estimating intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.” (Chpt. 20) Similarly, Shakespeare portrays Caesar’s level of intelligence by looking at the men he surrounds himself with, through dialogue Caesar states, “Let me have men about me that are fat/ Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep a-nights.” (Act 1 scene 2) Caesar states further on in a conversation with Antony that Cassius is the opposite of the people he wants to be surrounded by, “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look/ He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” (Act 1 scene 2) His authoritative tone describes Cassius as looking “lean and hungry,” Caesar feels threatened that Cassius “thinks too much,” meaning he is wise. The audience could compare Cassius to a fox’s cunning and sly characteristics, Cassius’ “hungry look” metaphorically represents his desire for power and control. Unfortunately, Caesar did not conform to Machiavelli’s leadership necessities, meaning that Caesar lacked the intelligence of a leader, surrounding himself with only “yes men.” By only wanting “fat, sleek-headed men” around him, rather than knowledgeable and intelligent men, who may have warned him about the conspirators or the warning signs leading up to his assassination. Your textual referencing here is absolutely wonderful. The way that you are approaching quotes that are embedded is truly impressive! Unfortunately, you don’t address the question heavily here. You haven’t focused on the contexts, attitudes and values. I can see that your paragraph is directed by intelligence which is a great thread between the texts. But, you will need to explicitly reference the question.
When a leader has a high level of intelligence, he is able to manipulate that in ways to benefit himself and “win over” the masses. Machiavelli ensured this idea was reinforced throughout his novel to highlight its importance in a successful leader. Here is a good opportunity to say why he says this. What were the attitudes of the time? What was the context? The context involved enough serfdom, which is the masses you talk about. So a strong leader was necessary. But, there are always ulterior motives. This needs to be evident in your dealing with context in order to successfully address the question. Stating that a leader should never “...attempt to win by force what can be won by deception.” (REF) Shakespeare’s character, Mark Antony, uses his intelligence and wit to manipulate not only the conspirators into letting him address the crowd but also change the alliance of the crowd. Antony begins his speech with a statement he will later contradict and invert, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” (Act 3 scene 2) His emotive language and factual tone, slowly manipulates the crowd as his speech goes on. He justifies the conspirators actions in assassinating Caesar by declaring that “Brutus is an honourable man,” but later turns this phrase around rhetorically and sarcastically saying just how “honourable” Brutus is. Shakespeare used repetition in the speech, each time Antony states “Brutus is an honourable man,” (Act 3 scene 2) the line loses its validity and meaning. The masses begin to question Brutus’ intentions and prior actions. “ I thrice presented him a kingly crown,/ Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?/ Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,/ And sure he is an honourable man.” (Act 3 scene 2) Further on in Julius Caesar, Antony successfully displays the manipulation of a crowd when he produces Caesar’s will, but refuses to read it, therefore withholding information to generate suspense in the crowd. Machiavelli stated that a leader “...must learn how not to be good, and use knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires,” (REF) in order to maintain his authority. In Antony’s choice to prolong the reading of Caesar's will, he creates suspense and distracts the crowd, which causes them to forget about the will. Antony successfully manipulates the crowd, returning their loyalty to Caesar, eventually encouraging them to right the injustice of Caesar’s assassination. What I suggested for last paragraph stands. We haven’t dealt with context enough just yet. When you talk about context, you will naturally talk about the values and attitudes. You don’t have to give a lot of sentence space to this, you just need to relate the importance of what is happening in the text back to the context appropriately. Probably moreso than any other Module, Module A requires serious context details.
People debate over whether or not starting a paragraph with a quote is fine. You should probably speak to your teacher about this. In my experience, I found that the paragraph seemed more wholesome if I removed the first sentence from textual referencing. Machiavelli highlights early on in The Prince, that it is far more important “...to be feared than loved if you cannot be both,” (REF) as people will almost always “bow down” to fear, especially when there are consequences involved. Contrastingly, in modern-day society we know that, “Ultimately, fear is a negative emotion. Sure, in the right circumstances it can be used effectively. It can drive needed change quickly,” according to the 3 Most Common Downfalls of Leaders. Shakespeare demonstrated this fear that drove change when the conspirators assassinated Caesar. Brutus states assertively, “It was not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.” (Act 3 scene 2) This justifies the killing to the masses, leading them to believe that Caesar’s death was in their best interests, when it was actually to ensure the aristocracy did not lose their power. The battle between fear and love in Julius Caesar, can be summarised in one line uttered in confusion by Caesar as he is killed, “Et tu, Brute!” Caesar’s surprise can be understood by Shakespeare’s audience, as it is an unlikely action taken by someone Caesar trusted. The way in which the conspirators elected to kill Caesar could be seen as cowardly and brutal, they all “ganged up” on him, and went behind his back, literally, in order to accomplish the murder.
Another trait that Machiavelli stated was important for a prosperous leader, is the ability to be ruthless and brutal towards those who wrong them, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” For this first sentence, reference the above paragraph’s comment. (REF) The brutally honest, factual way Machiavelli states this allows the readers to understand plainly just how important ruthlessness and brutality is in a leader. Brutus and Cassius both conform to this Machiavellian characteristic when they kill Caesar, stabbing him thirty-three times. In the aftermath of the murder, Brutus triumphantly commands the rest of the conspirators “Stoop, Romans, stoop,/ And let us bathe our hands in Caesar’s blood/Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.” (Act 3 scene 2) This dialogue is conveyed in a proud manner, the conspirators parade around the streets of Rome shouting, “...Peace, freedom and liberty!” (Act 3 scene 2) Brutus believes that he has Rome’s best interests at hand when the assassination occurs.
One trait that Machiavelli explored was the need for a successful leader to be intelligent. Not just scholarly, but more so wisdomScholarly is an adjective but wisdom is a noun. In this instance they are incomparable. Do you mean wise? Furthermore, before you enter the textual referencing, I think you need to talk about values or attitudes, even if it means replacing the word trait. Your essay needs strong direction of the question. He explains in Chapter 20: Are Fortresses, And Many Other Things To Which Princes Often Resort, Advantageous Or Hurtful? that “...the first method for estimating intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.” (Chpt. 20) Similarly, Shakespeare portrays Caesar’s level of intelligence by looking at the men he surrounds himself with, through dialogue Caesar states, “Let me have men about me that are fat/ Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep a-nights.” (Act 1 scene 2) Caesar states further on in a conversation with Antony that Cassius is the opposite of the people he wants to be surrounded by, “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look/ He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” (Act 1 scene 2) His authoritative tone describes Cassius as looking “lean and hungry,” Caesar feels threatened that Cassius “thinks too much,” meaning he is wise. The audience could compare Cassius to a fox’s cunning and sly characteristics, Cassius’ “hungry look” metaphorically represents his desire for power and control. Unfortunately, Caesar did not conform to Machiavelli’s leadership necessities, meaning that Caesar lacked the intelligence of a leader, surrounding himself with only “yes men.” By only wanting “fat, sleek-headed men” around him, rather than knowledgeable and intelligent men, who may have warned him about the conspirators or the warning signs leading up to his assassination. Your textual referencing here is absolutely wonderful. The way that you are approaching quotes that are embedded is truly impressive! Unfortunately, you don’t address the question heavily here. You haven’t focused on the contexts, attitudes and values. I can see that your paragraph is directed by intelligence which is a great thread between the texts. But, you will need to explicitly reference the question.
When a leader has a high level of intelligence, he is able to manipulate that in ways to benefit himself and “win over” the masses. Machiavelli ensured this idea was reinforced throughout his novel to highlight its importance in a successful leader. Here is a good opportunity to say why he says this. What were the attitudes of the time? What was the context? The context involved enough serfdom, which is the masses you talk about. So a strong leader was necessary. But, there are always ulterior motives. This needs to be evident in your dealing with context in order to successfully address the question. Stating that a leader should never “...attempt to win by force what can be won by deception.” (REF) Shakespeare’s character, Mark Antony, uses his intelligence and wit to manipulate not only the conspirators into letting him address the crowd but also change the alliance of the crowd. Antony begins his speech with a statement he will later contradict and invert, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” (Act 3 scene 2) His emotive language and factual tone, slowly manipulates the crowd as his speech goes on. He justifies the conspirators actions in assassinating Caesar by declaring that “Brutus is an honourable man,” but later turns this phrase around rhetorically and sarcastically saying just how “honourable” Brutus is. Shakespeare used repetition in the speech, each time Antony states “Brutus is an honourable man,” (Act 3 scene 2) the line loses its validity and meaning. The masses begin to question Brutus’ intentions and prior actions. “ I thrice presented him a kingly crown,/ Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?/ Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,/ And sure he is an honourable man.” (Act 3 scene 2) Further on in Julius Caesar, Antony successfully displays the manipulation of a crowd when he produces Caesar’s will, but refuses to read it, therefore withholding information to generate suspense in the crowd. Machiavelli stated that a leader “...must learn how not to be good, and use knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires,” (REF) in order to maintain his authority. In Antony’s choice to prolong the reading of Caesar's will, he creates suspense and distracts the crowd, which causes them to forget about the will. Antony successfully manipulates the crowd, returning their loyalty to Caesar, eventually encouraging them to right the injustice of Caesar’s assassination. What I suggested for last paragraph stands. We haven’t dealt with context enough just yet. When you talk about context, you will naturally talk about the values and attitudes. You don’t have to give a lot of sentence space to this, you just need to relate the importance of what is happening in the text back to the context appropriately. Probably moreso than any other Module, Module A requires serious context details.
People debate over whether or not starting a paragraph with a quote is fine. You should probably speak to your teacher about this. In my experience, I found that the paragraph seemed more wholesome if I removed the first sentence from textual referencing. Machiavelli highlights early on in The Prince, that it is far more important “...to be feared than loved if you cannot be both,” (REF) as people will almost always “bow down” to fear, especially when there are consequences involved. Contrastingly, in modern-day society we know that, “Ultimately, fear is a negative emotion. Sure, in the right circumstances it can be used effectively. It can drive needed change quickly,” according to the 3 Most Common Downfalls of Leaders. Shakespeare demonstrated this fear that drove change when the conspirators assassinated Caesar. Brutus states assertively, “It was not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.” (Act 3 scene 2) This justifies the killing to the masses, leading them to believe that Caesar’s death was in their best interests, when it was actually to ensure the aristocracy did not lose their power. The battle between fear and love in Julius Caesar, can be summarised in one line uttered in confusion by Caesar as he is killed, “Et tu, Brute!” Caesar’s surprise can be understood by Shakespeare’s audience, as it is an unlikely action taken by someone Caesar trusted. The way in which the conspirators elected to kill Caesar could be seen as cowardly and brutal, they all “ganged up” on him, and went behind his back, literally, in order to accomplish the murder.
Another trait that Machiavelli stated was important for a prosperous leader, is the ability to be ruthless and brutal towards those who wrong them, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” For this first sentence, reference the above paragraph’s comment. (REF) The brutally honest, factual way Machiavelli states this allows the readers to understand plainly just how important ruthlessness and brutality is in a leader. Brutus and Cassius both conform to this Machiavellian characteristic when they kill Caesar, stabbing him thirty-three times. In the aftermath of the murder, Brutus triumphantly commands the rest of the conspirators “Stoop, Romans, stoop,/ And let us bathe our hands in Caesar’s blood/Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.” (Act 3 scene 2) This dialogue is conveyed in a proud manner, the conspirators parade around the streets of Rome shouting, “...Peace, freedom and liberty!” (Act 3 scene 2) Brutus believes that he has Rome’s best interests at hand when the assassination occurs.
End Notes:
Your textual referencing is superior - as is your integration of texts! You do this so so so well. What you need to work on is involving the question more. You've mentioned the Elizabethan audience at the beginning - but then I don't see a great lot of context for Shakespeare afterwards. The words attitudes and values need to appear in a stronger and more frequent way. I suggest that although you should weave them into your paragraphs, you end the paragraph with a sentence that draws it back in.
As for your conclusion: this is another opportunity to address the question well. Here is a scaffold that I will propose:
-Explicitly answer the question
-Deal with Machiavelli's context and the purpose for his work.
-Deal with Shakespeare's context and his purpose.
-Directly link between why the attitudes and values of Machiavelli are relevant yet reshaped in Shakespeare's text.
-Tie back into the question again.
Once you nail answering the question - there is very little left for you to work on! You're doing super well. Your essay gains so so much integrity when you deal with the question in an integrated and sophisticated manner.
Good luck! Don't be afraid to message back! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 03, 2016, 10:48:33 am
Hey ATAR Notes,
I was wondering if you could help me out with an assessment question we are doing at school. It is a speech on W.B.Yeats' selected poetry. Out of the 4 poems we were given, I chose "Wild Swans At Coole" (more personal) and "Easter 1916". The question is:
“It is the tension, between the personal and political that creates interest in Yeats’ poetry”
What I wanted to ask was for you to clarify what the tension between the personal and political actually is. I'm not to sure how it relates to W.B.Yeats. Also if you could give us some arguments that we could use and revolve our analysis around, that would be super awesome!!
Thanks guys,
Cynthia :)
Year 12
Hey Cynthia! I studied W B Yeats and I just loved that Module. I'll start by pointing a few things out to you about Yeats and his poetry.
-Yeats was generally quite a peaceful man. You can see this if you compare him, the poet, to the heroic men he mentions in Easter 1916.
-All of his poetry contains tension. If you want to prepare a Module B thesis that you can hopefully apply to anything: tension is the way to go.
-There is tension in Wild Swans: permanent/changing, youth/old, swans/humans, seasons.
-There is tension in Easter 1916: Yeats gives credited mention to the abusive lover of the woman Yeats loves, the tension between Ireland being traditional and Ireland coming of age and the tension between the personal and the political - as Yeats writes about a political issue in an intensely personal way (through poetry).
In saying this, Wild Swans at Coole doesn't offer a lot in terms of politics. My reading of the poem is that it is completely about internal conflict and turmoil in finding certainty in himself.
If you are using these two texts, the best way to approach the question I think, is to compare how vast Yeats' oeuvre is. So you kind of agree but disagree with the question. This is your essay question:
“It is the tension, between the personal and political that creates interest in Yeats’ poetry”
You could say that the tension between the personal and the political is important in some aspects of his poetry, but tension is explored on many levels, which is what makes his poetry interesting.
If you had substituted Wild Swans for The Irish Airman Foresees his Death or Leda and the Swan, then you would have an easier time making the personal/political connection. Otherwise, Wild Swans is definitely the most universal poem in my eyes so it is great that you are doing an indepth study of it now!
Here are some scholarly quotes about Easter 1916 that may help you:
"Tied by birth to unionism, memorialist of the executed Nationalist rebels of 1916, W. B. Yeats mirrored Ireland's divisions in his self-divisions -- yet saw the island as a single cultural entity sprung from common roots in common myths." – Seamus Heaney
The spectacle of a poet's work invigorated by his lifelong struggle against the artistic inertia of his nation is one that would shed strong light into any era." –Louise Bogan
Here are some scholarly quotes about Wild Swans at Coole that may help you:
“Appeared during a significant movement in the poet’s life and stands therein as a crucial turning point in his relation to the poetic task.” – Andrew Gates.
“Yet, although his melancholy looms throughout the poem, Yeats succeeds in establishing, by the very structure of the poem, a response to it, transcending his individual despair through the creation of the poetic object itself.” – Andrew Gates.
In my eyes, the essay question doesn't lend itself to the Wild Swans at Coole. However, you can always make it work! :)
Post by: chuckiecheese on March 05, 2016, 08:40:11 pm
This is a kind of semi-dodgy Mod B Yeats Essay. Any criticism would be unreal!
Cheers
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 15, 2016, 08:42:13 am
Hi, i am currently studying Module A (The Prince and Julius Caesar), it would be great if you could take a look at my essay.
Thanks, i have attached it
Hey Alex!!
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Post by: elysepopplewell on March 16, 2016, 09:50:49 am
Hey guys,
This is a kind of semi-dodgy Mod B Yeats Essay. Any criticism would be unreal!
Cheers
Hey there! I'm ridiculously sorry that this has taken so long - somehow you got lost in the shuffle :(
Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
"From the poems you have studied in detail, what have you identified as three of Yeats' concerns and how does he represent these concerns? Refer to three poems of your own choice"
Yeats addresses his concerns through the poetic form to directly consolidate and stress their overall importance. The presentation of Yeats’ concerns is addressed directly through a dichotomy of ideas and thus explores thoroughly the concerns inherent in the human condition, for example: the concern of mortality and immortality, the concern of man and the spiritual realm and the concern of the literal and the imaginative. Yeats foregrounds these concerns through the specific use of enjambment, repetition, and imagery, among other techniques, in the poems ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, ‘Among School Children’, thus revealing his thorough investigation into these concerns.
John McGuirk (2003) suggests that the significance of Yeats’ poetry lies in his consideration of the “universal paradigms of permanence and flux.” Whilst this is evident in a number of his poems, especially ‘Easter 1916’, a more critical deconstruction of Yeats’ poetry reveals the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative to be of much more significance.
The concern of mortality and immortality is particularly evident in Yeats’ 1919 ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’. The poem is based upon the idea of transition and dealing with change, especially as ones life progresses with age and time. The swans evident in the poem symbolise what Yeats cannot achieve in his ageing and mortal life, as they are depicted as immortal and ethereal and thus can achieve anything whilst he cannot. The constant repetition of ‘still’ in the second, fourth and fifth stanzas conveys a sense of stillness, which is in direct contrast to the swans “suddenly” flying away in the third stanza. This is symbolizing Yeats’ view of his own life at the time, as well as the stages of stillness and confusion he experienced. Yeats’ concern of mortality and immortality is especially evident in this poem.
It can be said that Yeats’ poetry is so broad that it begins to question the great mythological narratives and their meaning, and thus the concern of man and the spiritual realm. This is particularly observable in his 1928 ‘Leda and the Swan’. In Greek mythology, Zeus visited Leda in the form of a swan. Once again the symbol of the tranquil and virgin swan is present in the body of Yeats’ poetry. Yeats viewed Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda as an ‘annunciation’, thus the culture, philosophy and civilisation created by mankind can be seen as being abused by forces that transcend our realm and reach the spiritual realm, and therefore the implications of which are out of mankind’s control. The poem is also a sonnet, which conventionally is associated with love, however, as Yeats takes view the that Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda is an ‘annunciation’, it can be said that the violent and destructive imagery distorts the usual elements of the traditionally romantic sonnet. The destructive and cataclysmic imagery Yeats presents in the poem: “…staggering, helpless, terrified,” conveys a sense of drastic fear being experienced by Leda. The broad nature of Yeats’ poetry extends so much that it questions the conventional nature of mythological narratives, and thus presents the concern of man and the spiritual realm.
At the time of writing ‘Among School Children’, in 1928, Yeats was a sixty-year-old senator, exploring the literal and the imaginative in his old age. The poem swiftly moves from a direct consideration of the children who he is visiting to Yeats’ early love, Maud Gonne, and then to a passionate conclusion in which all of Yeats’ platonic thinking blends together, questioning the basis of human existence in its entirety. Yeats switches between being in the present, literally among the school children, to being in a “dream like state.” The employment of enjambment dissolves the steady rhythm of the poem and thus gives the poem a sense of urgency, which Yeats would have felt between the literal and the imaginative. The urgency is expressed through Yeats’ state of mind, as he is present at the school but his imagination is not in the present, rather it is in the past. Yeats delves extremely deep in his exploration of the concern of the literal and the imaginative in ‘Among School Children.’
The choice by Yeats to discern and abridge his ideas through poetic form is deliberate as it allows him to be direct and concise in the expression of his concerns. Indefinitely, Yeats explores thoroughly the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative throughout the body of his works, including but not limited to, ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, and ‘Among School Children.’ All of Yeats’ concerns are explored and addressed thoroughly through the use of many techniques to stress their overarching importance.
Yeats addresses his concerns through the poetic form to directly consolidate and stress their overall importance. The presentation of Yeats’ concerns is addressed directly through a dichotomy of ideas and thus explores thoroughly the concerns inherent in the human condition, for example: the concern of mortality and immortality, the concern of man and the spiritual realm and the concern of the literal and the imaginative. Yeats foregrounds these concerns through the specific use of enjambment, repetition, and imagery, among other techniques, in the poems ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, ‘Among School Children’, thus revealing his thorough investigation into these concerns.
John McGuirk (2003) suggests that the significance of Yeats’ poetry lies in his consideration of the “universal paradigms of permanence and flux.” Whilst this is evident in a number of his poems, especially ‘Easter 1916’, a more critical deconstruction of Yeats’ poetry reveals the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative to be of much more significance.
The concern of mortality and immortality is particularly evident in Yeats’ 1919 ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’. The poem is based upon the idea of transition and dealing with change, especially as ones life progresses with age and time. The swans evident in the poem symbolise what Yeats cannot achieve in his ageing and mortal life, as they are depicted as immortal and ethereal and thus can achieve anything whilst he cannot. The constant repetition of ‘still’ in the second, fourth and fifth stanzas conveys a sense of stillness, which is in direct contrast to the swans “suddenly” flying away in the third stanza. This is symbolizing Yeats’ view of his own life at the time, as well as the stages of stillness and confusion he experienced. Yeats’ concern of mortality and immortality is especially evident in this poem.
It can be said that Yeats’ poetry is so broad that it begins to question the great mythological narratives and their meaning, and thus the concern of man and the spiritual realm. This is particularly observable in his 1928 ‘Leda and the Swan’. In Greek mythology, Zeus visited Leda in the form of a swan. Once again the symbol of the tranquil and virgin swan is present in the body of Yeats’ poetry. Yeats viewed Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda as an ‘annunciation’, thus the culture, philosophy and civilisation created by mankind can be seen as being abused by forces that transcend our realm and reach the spiritual realm, and therefore the implications of which are out of mankind’s control. The poem is also a sonnet, which conventionally is associated with love, however, as Yeats takes view the that Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda is an ‘annunciation’, it can be said that the violent and destructive imagery distorts the usual elements of the traditionally romantic sonnet. The destructive and cataclysmic imagery Yeats presents in the poem: “…staggering, helpless, terrified,” conveys a sense of drastic fear being experienced by Leda. The broad nature of Yeats’ poetry extends so much that it questions the conventional nature of mythological narratives, and thus presents the concern of man and the spiritual realm.
At the time of writing ‘Among School Children’, in 1928, Yeats was a sixty-year-old senator, exploring the literal and the imaginative in his old age. The poem swiftly moves from a direct consideration of the children who he is visiting to Yeats’ early love, Maud Gonne, and then to a passionate conclusion in which all of Yeats’ platonic thinking blends together, questioning the basis of human existence in its entirety. Yeats switches between being in the present, literally among the school children, to being in a “dream like state.” The employment of enjambment dissolves the steady rhythm of the poem and thus gives the poem a sense of urgency, which Yeats would have felt between the literal and the imaginative. The urgency is expressed through Yeats’ state of mind, as he is present at the school but his imagination is not in the present, rather it is in the past. Yeats delves extremely deep in his exploration of the concern of the literal and the imaginative in ‘Among School Children.’
The choice by Yeats to discern and abridge his ideas through poetic form is deliberate as it allows him to be direct and concise in the expression of his concerns. Indefinitely, Yeats explores thoroughly the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative throughout the body of his works, including but not limited to, ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, and ‘Among School Children.’ All of Yeats’ concerns are explored and addressed thoroughly through the use of many techniques to stress their overarching importance.
Here is my feedback on your essay, written in bold:
Spoiler
"From the poems you have studied in detail, what have you identified as three of Yeats' concerns and how does he represent these concerns? Refer to three poems of your own choice"
First of all, three poems is rough! I only ever tackled two at a time.
Yeats addresses his concerns through the poetic form to directly consolidate and stress their When you say "their" are you referring to the concerns? The overall importance of the concerns? I would try this, "Yeats' poetic oeuvre directly addresses his personal concerns regarding the world around him." Or something to this effect. The first sentence is a bit clumsy. Which happens, of course! You just need to work on your opening so that it is really punchy. You'd even need to alter the one I'm suggesting. I've suggested it because it has more direction. overall importance. The presentation of Yeats’ concerns is addressed You used "addressed" last sentence. I also don't think it is the most effective word to use here. I would flip your syntax:
The interplay of dichotomous ideas in Yeats' work thoroughly explores the concerns inherent within..." directly through a dichotomy of ideas and thus explores thoroughly the concerns inherent in the human condition,for example: "For example" works in a way that shows you are inviting the reader to think about a number of notions, rather than showing them that YOU have already thought about them. I would end your last sentence before the "for example" and open the new sentence all fresh and new. the concern of mortality and immortality, the concern of man and the spiritual realm and the concern of the literal and the imaginative. You repeat "the concern of". Either say this once and list the concerns, or use synonyms.Yeats foregrounds these concerns through the specific use of enjambment, repetition, and imagery, among other techniques, in the poems ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, ‘Among School Children’, thus revealing his thorough investigation into these concerns.
Now that I see which poems you wish to address, I would actually name the poem, and identify the concern that manifests within. Rather than list the concerns and list the poem titles, you should consider connecting a poem with a concern, but also mentioning that many of the concerns flow through the oeuvre.
John McGuirk (2003) suggests that the significance of Yeats’ poetry lies in his consideration of the “universal paradigms of permanence and flux.” Whilst this is evident in a number of his poems, especially ‘Easter 1916’, a more critical deconstruction of Yeats’ poetry reveals the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative to be of much more significance. The old Module B syllabus required scholarly readings. Now, you do not have to use them. I would, as long as you show how their personal response has informed your personal response, because that's what this module is. So I wouldn't give a whole sentence to this guy, I would actually embed his quote in your own sentence to make it clear that it has informed your personal response.
The concern of mortality and immortality is particularly evident in Yeats’ 1919 ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’. The poem is based upon the idea of transition and dealing with change, especially as ones life progresses with age and time. The swansevident You've used evident twice (Also, I would use a short quote here to describe the vitality of the swans)in the poem symbolise what Yeats cannot achieve in his ageing and mortal life, as they are depicted as immortal and ethereal and thus can achieve anything whilst he cannot. The constant repetition of ‘still’ in the second, fourth and fifth stanzas conveys a sense of stillness, Tautologous. Instead, try "stagnant" which is in direct contrast to the swans “suddenly” flying away in the third stanza. This is symbolizing Yeats’ view of his own life at the time, as well as the stages of stillness and confusion he experienced. Yeats’ concern of mortality and immortality is especially evident in this poem.
It can be said It can be? Or are you actually saying it? This module is about your personal response, so don't shy from telling the reader exactly what your response is. that Yeats’ poetry is so broad Broad? I would say deep, meaningful, etc, because talking about mythology isn't broad, it is actually quite specific that it begins to question the great mythological narratives and their meaning, and thus the concern of man and the spiritual realm. This is particularly observable in his 1928 poem ‘Leda and the Swan’. In Greek mythology, Zeus visited Leda in the form of a swan. Once again the symbol of the tranquil and virgin swan is present in the body of Yeats’ poetry. Yeats viewed Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda as an ‘annunciation’, (Also a biblical allusion) thus the culture, philosophy and civilisation created by mankind can be seen as being abused by forces that transcend our realm and reach the spiritual realm, and therefore the implications of which are out of mankind’s control. The poem is also a sonnet, which conventionally is associated with love, however, as Yeats takes view the that Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda is an ‘annunciation’, it can be said that the violent and destructive imagery distorts the usual elements of the traditionally romantic sonnet. The destructive and cataclysmic imagery Yeats presents in the poem: “…staggering, helpless, terrified,” conveys a sense of drastic fear being experienced by Leda. The broad nature of Yeats’ poetry extends so much that it questions the conventional nature of mythological narratives, and thus presents the concern of man and the spiritual realm.
At the time of writing ‘Among School Children’, in 1928, Yeats was a sixty-year-old senator, exploring the literal and the imaginative in his old age. The poem swiftly moves from a direct consideration of the children who he is visiting to Yeats’ early love, Maud Gonne, and then to a passionate conclusion in which all of Yeats’ platonic thinking blends together, questioning the basis of human existence in its entirety. Yeats switches between being in the present, literally among the school children, to being in a “dream like state.” The employment of enjambment dissolves the steady rhythm of the poem and thus gives the poem a sense of urgency, which Yeats would have felt between the literal and the imaginative. The urgency is expressed through Yeats’ state of mind, as he is present at the school but his imagination is not in the present, rather it is in the past. Yeats delves extremely deep in his exploration of the concern of the literal and the imaginative in ‘Among School Children.’
The choice by Yeats to discern and abridge his ideas through poetic form is deliberate as it allows him to be direct and concise in the expression of his concerns. Indefinitely, Yeats explores thoroughly the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative throughout the body of his works, including but not limited to, ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, and ‘Among School Children.’ All of Yeats’ concerns are explored and addressed thoroughly through the use of many techniques to stress their overarching importance.
First of all, three poems is rough! I only ever tackled two at a time.
Yeats addresses his concerns through the poetic form to directly consolidate and stress their When you say "their" are you referring to the concerns? The overall importance of the concerns? I would try this, "Yeats' poetic oeuvre directly addresses his personal concerns regarding the world around him." Or something to this effect. The first sentence is a bit clumsy. Which happens, of course! You just need to work on your opening so that it is really punchy. You'd even need to alter the one I'm suggesting. I've suggested it because it has more direction. overall importance. The presentation of Yeats’ concerns is
The interplay of dichotomous ideas in Yeats' work thoroughly explores the concerns inherent within..." directly through a dichotomy of ideas and thus explores thoroughly the concerns inherent in the human condition,
Now that I see which poems you wish to address, I would actually name the poem, and identify the concern that manifests within. Rather than list the concerns and list the poem titles, you should consider connecting a poem with a concern, but also mentioning that many of the concerns flow through the oeuvre.
John McGuirk (2003) suggests that the significance of Yeats’ poetry lies in his consideration of the “universal paradigms of permanence and flux.” Whilst this is evident in a number of his poems, especially ‘Easter 1916’, a more critical deconstruction of Yeats’ poetry reveals the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative to be of much more significance. The old Module B syllabus required scholarly readings. Now, you do not have to use them. I would, as long as you show how their personal response has informed your personal response, because that's what this module is. So I wouldn't give a whole sentence to this guy, I would actually embed his quote in your own sentence to make it clear that it has informed your personal response.
The concern of mortality and immortality is particularly evident in Yeats’ 1919 ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’. The poem is based upon the idea of transition and dealing with change, especially as ones life progresses with age and time. The swans
It can be said It can be? Or are you actually saying it? This module is about your personal response, so don't shy from telling the reader exactly what your response is. that Yeats’ poetry is so broad Broad? I would say deep, meaningful, etc, because talking about mythology isn't broad, it is actually quite specific that it begins to question the great mythological narratives and their meaning, and thus the concern of man and the spiritual realm. This is particularly observable in his 1928 poem ‘Leda and the Swan’. In Greek mythology, Zeus visited Leda in the form of a swan. Once again the symbol of the tranquil and virgin swan is present in the body of Yeats’ poetry. Yeats viewed Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda as an ‘annunciation’, (Also a biblical allusion) thus the culture, philosophy and civilisation created by mankind can be seen as being abused by forces that transcend our realm and reach the spiritual realm, and therefore the implications of which are out of mankind’s control. The poem is also a sonnet, which conventionally is associated with love, however, as Yeats takes view the that Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda is an ‘annunciation’, it can be said that the violent and destructive imagery distorts the usual elements of the traditionally romantic sonnet. The destructive and cataclysmic imagery Yeats presents in the poem: “…staggering, helpless, terrified,” conveys a sense of drastic fear being experienced by Leda. The broad nature of Yeats’ poetry extends so much that it questions the conventional nature of mythological narratives, and thus presents the concern of man and the spiritual realm.
At the time of writing ‘Among School Children’, in 1928, Yeats was a sixty-year-old senator, exploring the literal and the imaginative in his old age. The poem swiftly moves from a direct consideration of the children who he is visiting to Yeats’ early love, Maud Gonne, and then to a passionate conclusion in which all of Yeats’ platonic thinking blends together, questioning the basis of human existence in its entirety. Yeats switches between being in the present, literally among the school children, to being in a “dream like state.” The employment of enjambment dissolves the steady rhythm of the poem and thus gives the poem a sense of urgency, which Yeats would have felt between the literal and the imaginative. The urgency is expressed through Yeats’ state of mind, as he is present at the school but his imagination is not in the present, rather it is in the past. Yeats delves extremely deep in his exploration of the concern of the literal and the imaginative in ‘Among School Children.’
The choice by Yeats to discern and abridge his ideas through poetic form is deliberate as it allows him to be direct and concise in the expression of his concerns. Indefinitely, Yeats explores thoroughly the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative throughout the body of his works, including but not limited to, ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, and ‘Among School Children.’ All of Yeats’ concerns are explored and addressed thoroughly through the use of many techniques to stress their overarching importance.
I think you are unfortunately limited by the "three text" guideline in your essay. I have pointed out where expression should be improved - but there is room for a little more. Otherwise, your actual technical analysis and articulation of that is quite impressive.
The thing letting you down is the structure. Each text should be dealt with adequately with equal opportunity. Integration of the poems wouldn't hurt, only because it means you are showing that the concerns flow through the oeuvre. Remember to talk about the body of work as a whole, and then scoop in on each poem. Module B is difficult in that it has little intricacies like this, but when you get a hold on it, I'm sure it will be really positive for you. Your next step is to work on the structure, then work on dealing with the body of work as a whole and then as divided by poems. This essay is similar to where my own was at this time of year during my HSC. Build up a really good word bank specific to Mod B and Yeats, and then push forward from there :)
What's your favourite poem? Is it Wild Swans?
Post by: imtrying on March 21, 2016, 04:39:17 pm
Thankyou :) :) :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 21, 2016, 05:16:44 pm
hello :)
I was just wondering whether you could please give me some feedback and advice on my draft essay (Tempest + Related Text)? This is the first time I've done a related text (we didn't do one in year 11 for some obscure reason) so I've struggled a lot and not feeling that confident with it. I'm not sure if I've really answered the question (we had to make it up ourselves) or have sustained ideas in my paragraphs + it's way too long so please, give me as much feedback as you can!! Go hard or go home haha thankyou so much!
Module B Essay using speeches. Question is on the PDF.
Thankyou :) :) :)
Hey there, you two! I'm really sorry - but before we have a look at this, I'll need to ask that you either post it as a word document or copy and paste your essay into a comment. The reason for this is, when I copy and paste the words from a PDF into the comment space for me to edit, it makes the paragraphs and line structure go crazy and it becomes really hard to edit properly! Sorry! If you post it back I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!
Post by: imtrying on March 21, 2016, 05:38:44 pm
Hey there, you two! I'm really sorry - but before we have a look at this, I'll need to ask that you either post it as a word document or copy and paste your essay into a comment. The reason for this is, when I copy and paste the words from a PDF into the comment space for me to edit, it makes the paragraphs and line structure go crazy and it becomes really hard to edit properly! Sorry! If you post it back I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!
Oops, sorry about that:)
I've attached it as a Word file now
Post by: wesadora on March 22, 2016, 12:50:41 am
I understand if you don't get back in time....but I would appreciate any reply- I really respect this generous gesture of free essay marking. Wow :o
Thanks!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 22, 2016, 09:53:21 pm
Hey Elyse. I have a school assessment tomorrow on the same essay question (we were given the question in class) and I would like to check if you would have any last-minute recommendations for my writing style/content/form before my exam tomorrow?
I understand if you don't get back in time....but I would appreciate any reply- I really respect this generous gesture of free essay marking. Wow :o
Thanks!
Hey there! I hope this isn't too late! I will just touch on minor things that can be easily fixed so that if you read this before your exam, you have the ability to make changes (if any)!
Original:
Spoiler
In what ways does a comparative study of Richard III and Looking for Richard enhance your appreciation of how context affects form and values?
In a time shaped by conservative providentialism, Shakespeare’s sixteenth century historical tragedy King Richard III challenges the values of his era through the representation of the villainous character of Richard. Contrastingly, Al Pacino takes a different approach towards interpreting the character of Richard in his docudrama Looking for Richard (1992) as he utilises film form to effectively convey Shakespearean values and meaning to a postmodern audience. Points of contrast and connections between the two texts can be drawn when exploring key values such as religious worldviews, ambition, power and authority. The different applications of these values are thus demonstrated through the two composers’ unique use of form, evident when considering the dichotomy of two, distinct contextual interests.
The religious tension between providentialism and determinism within the Elizabethan era’s religious contextual influence is evident in Shakespeare’s work, although Pacino’s text places greater focus on the role of the individual. Shakespeare’s Richard often uses theatrical, religious imagery to construct a righteous appearance for the common population. He appears before the citizens with theatrical symbols such as “a book of prayer in his hand” to align his appearance with righteous Christian values. Furthermore, Richard’s association with humanistic beliefs is evident when he admittedly recognizes he is unsuited to a peacetime life in Act I. He says, “But I am not shaped for sportive tricks, and so I am determined to prove a villain”. This paradoxical pun epitomises the aforementioned conflict between beliefs by Richard’s double entendre of ‘determined’. Shakespeare uses this to pose two possibilities that Richard is either motivated to act a villain out of personal interests, or is divinely preordered to do so. This tension is in direct contrast in Pacino’s Looking for Richard, which aims to engage a secular audience. Supernatural elements from the play are abandoned, such as the ghost scene in Act V in favour of exploring Richard’s psychological, human struggle. Instead, Richard is haunted by memories of his past. Intercutting scenes between rehearsal footage and dramatised performance serves to represent his split identity crisis. Furthermore, rapid montage to superimpose his villainous deeds is coupled with repetitive voiceovers of “despair and die”. Pacino thus rejects the play’s equal religious parallelism between the curse, “despair and die” and blessing, “live and flourish”, favouring determinism in which Richard’s final destiny is self-inflicted rather than preordained. Pacino uses his unique hybrid of film form to dwell upon Richard’s human power to construct his own destiny, marginalising the tension between Elizabethan religious values explored by Shakespeare.
These differences in religious contexts also affect the representation of ambition and power, contrasting the nature of Richard’s ascension and downfall between the two texts. The play’s core structure is characterised with the rising action of Richard utilising cunning deception to gain accession to the throne in the first three acts. He constructs a humble appearance to persuade others he is deserving of the throne: for example, he insists, “your love deserves my thanks, but desert unmeritable shuns your high request”. The pure Machiavellian deception takes advantage of reverse psychology to trick the common citizens. However, in Acts IV and V his customary eloquence deserts him; his hamartia apparent by this stage as is the case for Shakespearean tragedy plays. He says, “Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am”. The nonsensical anthypophora and disruption of rhythm breaks Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter to signify his loss of power. On the contrary, twentieth-century knowledge regarding psychology shapes Pacino’s interpretation of the text, particularly in the final act as Richard’s subterfuge lingers through filmic elements. Intercutting the uninteresting low eye-level, static frame of Richmond’s prayer with the handheld camera movement and low-angle shot of Richard’s oration displays his strong ambition and charismatic personality, even in the final scenes. His dynamic oration is further amplified, interspersed with a montage of vivid battle scenes complemented with sudden red and white flashes to uphold Richard’s longstanding power during the final scenes as the dramatic crux of the film. Thus, the different way in which both composers portray the longevity of Richard’s villainous character represents their interpretation and interests regarding ambition and power.
The influence of these previously discussed conservative Elizabethan values is evident in Shakespeare’s hyperbolic portrayal of Richard’s villainous nature compared to Pacino’s artistic freedom to communicate the play’s core values how he pleases. Shakespeare’s vilification of Richard seems logical as he is obligated to support the Tudor Myth and the Divine Right of Kings. Therefore, he portrays Richard to inherit the role of an alien to society from the outset of the play. The opening lines, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York” throw off the form of verse with trochaic inversion, going against iambic pentameter; one of Shakespeare’s most ingrained language devices. Richard is shown to be a unique and corrupt character in this sense. The essence of his corruption is also communicated being described as “deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Unpleasant images of physical deformity justify Richard’s corruption as a consequence of his villainous nature and usurpation of the throne later on. However, Pacino is not restricted by religious and superstitious values and so exercises an egalitarian approach towards ‘organically’ communicating Shakespeare’s core values. His work is a deliberate pastiche of ‘behind-the-scenes’ rehearsals, vox pops, interviews, commentary and dramatised segments. For example, cutting between the vox pop of an African-American man’s profound statements that “Shakespeare instructed us [to feel]” and nonsensical pronouncements of educated actors regarding the “iambic pentameter of the soul”. This intentional juxtaposition exemplifies the wide appeal of Shakespeare Pacino is encouraging. In valuing the process of exploring the play rather than the finished product, Pacino even undercuts the villainous nature of Richard at times. The film itself ends by diminishing the seriousness of Richard’s death by cutting to an organic, unedited handheld camera shot of Pacino dying on a staircase. The villainy of Richard and exploration of Shakespearean values in these two texts is a product of the composers’ purpose.
Varying contexts of two distinctly different eras evidently shape Shakespeare’s and Pacino’s representation of Richard. Values concerning religion, power, villainy and authority are communicated through the appropriate textual and filmic forms necessary. The variety of form and structure is evident in the way these two composers thus place their chosen focus on certain aspects of the play according to common worldviews within their respective context.
In a time shaped by conservative providentialism, Shakespeare’s sixteenth century historical tragedy King Richard III challenges the values of his era through the representation of the villainous character of Richard. Contrastingly, Al Pacino takes a different approach towards interpreting the character of Richard in his docudrama Looking for Richard (1992) as he utilises film form to effectively convey Shakespearean values and meaning to a postmodern audience. Points of contrast and connections between the two texts can be drawn when exploring key values such as religious worldviews, ambition, power and authority. The different applications of these values are thus demonstrated through the two composers’ unique use of form, evident when considering the dichotomy of two, distinct contextual interests.
The religious tension between providentialism and determinism within the Elizabethan era’s religious contextual influence is evident in Shakespeare’s work, although Pacino’s text places greater focus on the role of the individual. Shakespeare’s Richard often uses theatrical, religious imagery to construct a righteous appearance for the common population. He appears before the citizens with theatrical symbols such as “a book of prayer in his hand” to align his appearance with righteous Christian values. Furthermore, Richard’s association with humanistic beliefs is evident when he admittedly recognizes he is unsuited to a peacetime life in Act I. He says, “But I am not shaped for sportive tricks, and so I am determined to prove a villain”. This paradoxical pun epitomises the aforementioned conflict between beliefs by Richard’s double entendre of ‘determined’. Shakespeare uses this to pose two possibilities that Richard is either motivated to act a villain out of personal interests, or is divinely preordered to do so. This tension is in direct contrast in Pacino’s Looking for Richard, which aims to engage a secular audience. Supernatural elements from the play are abandoned, such as the ghost scene in Act V in favour of exploring Richard’s psychological, human struggle. Instead, Richard is haunted by memories of his past. Intercutting scenes between rehearsal footage and dramatised performance serves to represent his split identity crisis. Furthermore, rapid montage to superimpose his villainous deeds is coupled with repetitive voiceovers of “despair and die”. Pacino thus rejects the play’s equal religious parallelism between the curse, “despair and die” and blessing, “live and flourish”, favouring determinism in which Richard’s final destiny is self-inflicted rather than preordained. Pacino uses his unique hybrid of film form to dwell upon Richard’s human power to construct his own destiny, marginalising the tension between Elizabethan religious values explored by Shakespeare.
These differences in religious contexts also affect the representation of ambition and power, contrasting the nature of Richard’s ascension and downfall between the two texts. The play’s core structure is characterised with the rising action of Richard utilising cunning deception to gain accession to the throne in the first three acts. He constructs a humble appearance to persuade others he is deserving of the throne: for example, he insists, “your love deserves my thanks, but desert unmeritable shuns your high request”. The pure Machiavellian deception takes advantage of reverse psychology to trick the common citizens. However, in Acts IV and V his customary eloquence deserts him; his hamartia apparent by this stage as is the case for Shakespearean tragedy plays. He says, “Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am”. The nonsensical anthypophora and disruption of rhythm breaks Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter to signify his loss of power. On the contrary, twentieth-century knowledge regarding psychology shapes Pacino’s interpretation of the text, particularly in the final act as Richard’s subterfuge lingers through filmic elements. Intercutting the uninteresting low eye-level, static frame of Richmond’s prayer with the handheld camera movement and low-angle shot of Richard’s oration displays his strong ambition and charismatic personality, even in the final scenes. His dynamic oration is further amplified, interspersed with a montage of vivid battle scenes complemented with sudden red and white flashes to uphold Richard’s longstanding power during the final scenes as the dramatic crux of the film. Thus, the different way in which both composers portray the longevity of Richard’s villainous character represents their interpretation and interests regarding ambition and power.
The influence of these previously discussed conservative Elizabethan values is evident in Shakespeare’s hyperbolic portrayal of Richard’s villainous nature compared to Pacino’s artistic freedom to communicate the play’s core values how he pleases. Shakespeare’s vilification of Richard seems logical as he is obligated to support the Tudor Myth and the Divine Right of Kings. Therefore, he portrays Richard to inherit the role of an alien to society from the outset of the play. The opening lines, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York” throw off the form of verse with trochaic inversion, going against iambic pentameter; one of Shakespeare’s most ingrained language devices. Richard is shown to be a unique and corrupt character in this sense. The essence of his corruption is also communicated being described as “deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Unpleasant images of physical deformity justify Richard’s corruption as a consequence of his villainous nature and usurpation of the throne later on. However, Pacino is not restricted by religious and superstitious values and so exercises an egalitarian approach towards ‘organically’ communicating Shakespeare’s core values. His work is a deliberate pastiche of ‘behind-the-scenes’ rehearsals, vox pops, interviews, commentary and dramatised segments. For example, cutting between the vox pop of an African-American man’s profound statements that “Shakespeare instructed us [to feel]” and nonsensical pronouncements of educated actors regarding the “iambic pentameter of the soul”. This intentional juxtaposition exemplifies the wide appeal of Shakespeare Pacino is encouraging. In valuing the process of exploring the play rather than the finished product, Pacino even undercuts the villainous nature of Richard at times. The film itself ends by diminishing the seriousness of Richard’s death by cutting to an organic, unedited handheld camera shot of Pacino dying on a staircase. The villainy of Richard and exploration of Shakespearean values in these two texts is a product of the composers’ purpose.
Varying contexts of two distinctly different eras evidently shape Shakespeare’s and Pacino’s representation of Richard. Values concerning religion, power, villainy and authority are communicated through the appropriate textual and filmic forms necessary. The variety of form and structure is evident in the way these two composers thus place their chosen focus on certain aspects of the play according to common worldviews within their respective context.
With my writing in bold:
Spoiler
In what ways does a comparative study of Richard III and Looking for Richard enhance your appreciation of how context affects form and values?
In a time shaped by conservative providentialism, Shakespeare’s sixteenth century historical tragedy King Richard III challenges the values of his era through the representation of the villainous character of Richard. Super informative, super good!)Contrastingly, Al Pacino takes a different approach towards interpreting the character of Richard in his docudrama Looking for Richard (1992) as he utilises film form to effectively convey Shakespearean values and meaning to a postmodern audience. Points of contrast and connections between the two texts can be drawn when exploring key values such as religious worldviews, ambition, power and authority. The different applications of these values are thus demonstrated through the two composers’ unique use of form, evident when considering the dichotomy of two, distinct contextual interests. In here, I would probably define the context-value connection in Shakespeare a little more. Talk about the current monarch, the need to flatter it, providentialism, etc. All of these things will form the basis of what you contrast too. It only needs to be touched on here and fleshed out later. Either way, this is a solid introduction, don't fret. But that is something I suggest!
The religious tension between providentialism and determinism within the Elizabethan era’s religious contextual influence is evident in Shakespeare’s work, although Pacino’s text places greater focus on the role of the individual rather than a deity? predetermination? Your marker will know what you mean, but you want to be super explicit.. Shakespeare’s Richard often uses theatrical, religious imagery to construct a righteous appearance for the common population. He appears before the citizens with theatrical symbols such as “a book of prayer in his hand” to align his appearance with righteous Christian values. Wonderful! Furthermore, Richard’s association with humanistic beliefs is evident when he admittedly recognizes he is unsuited to a peacetime life in Act I. He says, “But I am not shaped for sportive tricks, and so I am determined to prove a villain”. This paradoxical pun epitomises the aforementioned conflict between beliefs by Richard’s double entendre of ‘determined’. Shakespeare uses this to pose two possibilities that Richard is either motivated to act a villain out of personal interests, or is divinely preordered to do so. This tension is in direct contrast in Pacino’s Looking for Richard, which aims to engage a secular audience. Supernatural elements from the play are abandoned, such as the ghost scene in Act V in favour of exploring Richard’s psychological, human struggle. Instead, Richard is haunted by memories of his past. Intercutting scenes between rehearsal footage and dramatised performance serves to represent his split identity crisis. Furthermore, rapid montage to superimpose his villainous deeds is coupled with repetitive voiceovers of “despair and die”. Pacino thus rejects the play’s equal religious parallelism between the curse, “despair and die” and blessing, “live and flourish”, favouring determinism in which Richard’s final destiny is self-inflicted rather than preordained. Pacino uses his unique hybrid of film form to dwell upon Richard’s human power to construct his own destiny, marginalising the tension between Elizabethan religious values explored by Shakespeare. At the start of this paragraph, I would try provide a little more info. Why did Shakespeare have to flatter Richard? Why did he have something to prove? I'm saying this because I think it makes the content make more sense, but also because the essay question asks for context! Your analysis is very strong.
These differences in religious contexts also affect the representation of ambition and power, contrasting the nature of Richard’s ascension and downfall between the two texts. The play’s core structure is characterised with the rising action of Richard utilising cunning deception to gain accession to the throne in the first three acts. He constructs a humble appearance to persuade others he is deserving of the throne: for example, he insists, “your love deserves my thanks, but desert unmeritable shuns your high request”. The pure Machiavellian deception takes advantage of reverse psychology to trick the common citizens. However, in Acts IV and V his customary eloquence deserts him; his hamartia apparent by this stage as is the case for Shakespearean tragedy plays. He says, “Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am”. The nonsensical anthypophora and disruption of rhythm breaks Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter to signify his loss of power. On the contrary, twentieth-century knowledge regarding psychology shapes Pacino’s interpretation of the text, particularly in the final act as Richard’s subterfuge lingers through filmic elements. Intercutting the uninteresting low eye-level, static frame of Richmond’s prayer with the handheld camera movement and low-angle shot of Richard’s oration displays his strong ambition and charismatic personality, even in the final scenes. His dynamic oration is further amplified, interspersed with a montage of vivid battle scenes complemented with sudden red and white flashes to uphold Richard’s longstanding power during the final scenes as the dramatic crux of the film. Thus, the different way in which both composers portray the longevity of Richard’s villainous character represents their interpretation and interests regarding ambition and power.
I think you deal with the texts with a good balance!
The influence of these previously discussed conservative Elizabethan values is evident in Shakespeare’s hyperbolic portrayal of Richard’s villainous nature compared to Pacino’s artistic freedom to communicate the play’s core values how he pleases. Shakespeare’s vilification of Richard seems logical as he is obligated to support the Tudor Myth and the Divine Right of Kings. Therefore, he portrays Richard to inherit the role of an alien to society from the outset of the play. The opening lines, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York” throw off the form of verse with trochaic inversion, going against iambic pentameter; one of Shakespeare’s most ingrained language devices. Richard is shown to be a unique and corrupt character in this sense. The essence of his corruption is also communicated being described as “deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Unpleasant images of physical deformity justify Richard’s corruption as a consequence of his villainous nature and usurpation of the throne later on. However, Pacino is not restricted by religious and superstitious values and so exercises an egalitarian approach towards ‘organically’ communicating Shakespeare’s core values. His work is a deliberate pastiche of ‘behind-the-scenes’ rehearsals, vox pops, interviews, commentary and dramatised segments. For example, cutting between the vox pop of an African-American man’s profound statements that “Shakespeare instructed us [to feel]” and nonsensical pronouncements of educated actors regarding the “iambic pentameter of the soul”. This intentional juxtaposition exemplifies the wide appeal of Shakespeare Pacino is encouraging. In valuing the process of exploring the play rather than the finished product, Pacino even undercuts the villainous nature of Richard at times. The film itself ends by diminishing the seriousness of Richard’s death by cutting to an organic, unedited handheld camera shot of Pacino dying on a staircase. The villainy of Richard and exploration of Shakespearean values in these two texts is a product of the composers’ purpose.
Varying contexts of two distinctly different eras evidently shape Shakespeare’s and Pacino’s representation of Richard. Again, I would sketch the details of the context here just briefly. Mainly because it is specifically referenced in the essay question! Values concerning religion, power, villainy and authority are communicated through the appropriate textual and filmic forms necessary. The variety of form and structure is evident in the way these two composers thus place their chosen focus on certain aspects of the play according to common worldviews within their respective context.
In a time shaped by conservative providentialism, Shakespeare’s sixteenth century historical tragedy King Richard III challenges the values of his era through the representation of the villainous character of Richard. Super informative, super good!)Contrastingly, Al Pacino takes a different approach towards interpreting the character of Richard in his docudrama Looking for Richard (1992) as he utilises film form to effectively convey Shakespearean values and meaning to a postmodern audience. Points of contrast and connections between the two texts can be drawn when exploring key values such as religious worldviews, ambition, power and authority. The different applications of these values are thus demonstrated through the two composers’ unique use of form, evident when considering the dichotomy of two, distinct contextual interests. In here, I would probably define the context-value connection in Shakespeare a little more. Talk about the current monarch, the need to flatter it, providentialism, etc. All of these things will form the basis of what you contrast too. It only needs to be touched on here and fleshed out later. Either way, this is a solid introduction, don't fret. But that is something I suggest!
The religious tension between providentialism and determinism within the Elizabethan era’s religious contextual influence is evident in Shakespeare’s work, although Pacino’s text places greater focus on the role of the individual rather than a deity? predetermination? Your marker will know what you mean, but you want to be super explicit.. Shakespeare’s Richard often uses theatrical, religious imagery to construct a righteous appearance for the common population. He appears before the citizens with theatrical symbols such as “a book of prayer in his hand” to align his appearance with righteous Christian values. Wonderful! Furthermore, Richard’s association with humanistic beliefs is evident when he admittedly recognizes he is unsuited to a peacetime life in Act I. He says, “But I am not shaped for sportive tricks, and so I am determined to prove a villain”. This paradoxical pun epitomises the aforementioned conflict between beliefs by Richard’s double entendre of ‘determined’. Shakespeare uses this to pose two possibilities that Richard is either motivated to act a villain out of personal interests, or is divinely preordered to do so. This tension is in direct contrast in Pacino’s Looking for Richard, which aims to engage a secular audience. Supernatural elements from the play are abandoned, such as the ghost scene in Act V in favour of exploring Richard’s psychological, human struggle. Instead, Richard is haunted by memories of his past. Intercutting scenes between rehearsal footage and dramatised performance serves to represent his split identity crisis. Furthermore, rapid montage to superimpose his villainous deeds is coupled with repetitive voiceovers of “despair and die”. Pacino thus rejects the play’s equal religious parallelism between the curse, “despair and die” and blessing, “live and flourish”, favouring determinism in which Richard’s final destiny is self-inflicted rather than preordained. Pacino uses his unique hybrid of film form to dwell upon Richard’s human power to construct his own destiny, marginalising the tension between Elizabethan religious values explored by Shakespeare. At the start of this paragraph, I would try provide a little more info. Why did Shakespeare have to flatter Richard? Why did he have something to prove? I'm saying this because I think it makes the content make more sense, but also because the essay question asks for context! Your analysis is very strong.
These differences in religious contexts also affect the representation of ambition and power, contrasting the nature of Richard’s ascension and downfall between the two texts. The play’s core structure is characterised with the rising action of Richard utilising cunning deception to gain accession to the throne in the first three acts. He constructs a humble appearance to persuade others he is deserving of the throne: for example, he insists, “your love deserves my thanks, but desert unmeritable shuns your high request”. The pure Machiavellian deception takes advantage of reverse psychology to trick the common citizens. However, in Acts IV and V his customary eloquence deserts him; his hamartia apparent by this stage as is the case for Shakespearean tragedy plays. He says, “Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am”. The nonsensical anthypophora and disruption of rhythm breaks Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter to signify his loss of power. On the contrary, twentieth-century knowledge regarding psychology shapes Pacino’s interpretation of the text, particularly in the final act as Richard’s subterfuge lingers through filmic elements. Intercutting the uninteresting low eye-level, static frame of Richmond’s prayer with the handheld camera movement and low-angle shot of Richard’s oration displays his strong ambition and charismatic personality, even in the final scenes. His dynamic oration is further amplified, interspersed with a montage of vivid battle scenes complemented with sudden red and white flashes to uphold Richard’s longstanding power during the final scenes as the dramatic crux of the film. Thus, the different way in which both composers portray the longevity of Richard’s villainous character represents their interpretation and interests regarding ambition and power.
I think you deal with the texts with a good balance!
The influence of these previously discussed conservative Elizabethan values is evident in Shakespeare’s hyperbolic portrayal of Richard’s villainous nature compared to Pacino’s artistic freedom to communicate the play’s core values how he pleases. Shakespeare’s vilification of Richard seems logical as he is obligated to support the Tudor Myth and the Divine Right of Kings. Therefore, he portrays Richard to inherit the role of an alien to society from the outset of the play. The opening lines, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York” throw off the form of verse with trochaic inversion, going against iambic pentameter; one of Shakespeare’s most ingrained language devices. Richard is shown to be a unique and corrupt character in this sense. The essence of his corruption is also communicated being described as “deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Unpleasant images of physical deformity justify Richard’s corruption as a consequence of his villainous nature and usurpation of the throne later on. However, Pacino is not restricted by religious and superstitious values and so exercises an egalitarian approach towards ‘organically’ communicating Shakespeare’s core values. His work is a deliberate pastiche of ‘behind-the-scenes’ rehearsals, vox pops, interviews, commentary and dramatised segments. For example, cutting between the vox pop of an African-American man’s profound statements that “Shakespeare instructed us [to feel]” and nonsensical pronouncements of educated actors regarding the “iambic pentameter of the soul”. This intentional juxtaposition exemplifies the wide appeal of Shakespeare Pacino is encouraging. In valuing the process of exploring the play rather than the finished product, Pacino even undercuts the villainous nature of Richard at times. The film itself ends by diminishing the seriousness of Richard’s death by cutting to an organic, unedited handheld camera shot of Pacino dying on a staircase. The villainy of Richard and exploration of Shakespearean values in these two texts is a product of the composers’ purpose.
Varying contexts of two distinctly different eras evidently shape Shakespeare’s and Pacino’s representation of Richard. Again, I would sketch the details of the context here just briefly. Mainly because it is specifically referenced in the essay question! Values concerning religion, power, villainy and authority are communicated through the appropriate textual and filmic forms necessary. The variety of form and structure is evident in the way these two composers thus place their chosen focus on certain aspects of the play according to common worldviews within their respective context.
You'll do really well. Stay calm, you know your stuff!
Post by: wesadora on March 22, 2016, 10:14:10 pm
:D
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 23, 2016, 10:09:52 pm
Oops, sorry about that:)
I've attached it as a Word file now
Hey there!
Thanks so much for reposting, I really appreciate it!
OKay, here is your original:
Spoiler
Speeches embrace the power of words and draw attention to flaws in society to inspire change in their audience.
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?
Speeches are powerful persuasive tools utilized by skilled speakers who understand the power tied up in their words and how they use them in influencing the thoughts and actions of others. In addressing their audiences, speechmakers focus in on societal inequalities and injustices and, to varying degrees, attempt to bring about change, either by provoking the listener to take action or to simply become more informed or aware of an issue. Although both approach their subject differently, both Anwar Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Noel Pearson’s An Australian History For Us All are speeches which, through use of literary technique and rhetorical device, harness the power of words, and to varying degrees, attempt to inspire change.
One of the most powerful and important ways in which a speechmaker can use their words is by taking account of the audience to whom they are speaking, and recognising how they must tailor their language forms in order for their words to be persuasive and resonate with their audience. This is particularly true in the case of Sadat’s speech, given the context in which it was delivered. Sadat delivered this speech in 1977, by which time a long history of conflict and war had existed between the state of Israel and Egypt, of which Sadat was then President. Sadat was determined to bring an end to the hostilities of the two nations by visiting the Israeli Knesset, but in so doing, placed himself, the head of a foreign enemy state, which was itself the source of a great deal of sorrow and anger in Israel, within their own parliament. Rather than allow this raw emotion to detract from his message, Sadat used this emotion to his own advantage by taking considerable effort to establish pathos with his audience. This is demonstrated in the speech when Sadat asks the audience to consider the effects of war on the civilian, relating the flow-on effect of the loss of human life ‘irrespective of its being that of an Israeli or Arab.’ Expressions such as ‘the wife who becomes a widow’ and ‘innocent children’ are pieces of highly emotive language which focus the audience on a pain common to both nations, and also identifies that the real issue being discussed is not political ties but the need for justice and peace amongst nations. Sadat also establishes positive pathos by creating a common ground with his audience. This is imperative given the fractured relations between Israel and the nation Sadat represents. Sadat makes use of the strong religious background of his audience by linking the traditional faiths of both nations, as seen in his allusions to the shared suffering of ‘Muslims, Christians and Jews’ at regular intervals. This, along with inclusive language such as ‘we all’ and ‘us, you and the entire world,’ creates a feeling of shared experience with his audience and redirects the potential for negative and angry emotion to a common mourning over the devastations of war, an attitude which is much more suited to Sadat’s purpose of encouraging a change to mutual peace. Sadat then addresses his solution for change in the form of quaesitio questions, asking ‘why don’t we stretch our hands…so that we might destroy this barrier?’, a technique which includes the audience in the decision making process and identifies the change as theirs to make. In order for his audience to take notice of what is being said, Sadat also looks to establish his own authority and appeal to the ethos of the audience. He achieves this in several ways, including the use of facts, dates, names and documents such as ‘the Balfour Declaration’ and the ‘Geneva Conference,’ which demonstrates to the audience that he is well informed of the facts and in a credible position to advocate needed change. This authority is also established by reference to his powerful political position and that he is coming to speak to them ‘In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful,’ which not only establishes him as a sincere religious figure, but also demonstrates his understanding of the devout spiritual context of his audience. By exercising his authority and establishing his own ethos, Sadat effectively balances the emotional aspects of his language with stark reality, moving his audience to make a tangible change.
Despite the difference in context and purpose, Pearson’s speech also utilises rhetorical device to give his words persuasive power and address current issues in the quest for societal change. Pearson delivered his speech in Australia in 1996, a time when recognition of past injustice and subsequent reconciliation between Indigenous and non-Indigenous people was a contentious topic both at governmental level and amongst the general public. The purpose of Pearson’s speech here is to present an argument against the views of some politicians, Prime Minister John Howard in particular as well as the media, who, according to Pearson, advocate the repression of responsibility for injustices over imposing ‘guilt’ on the Australian people. Unlike Sadat, Pearson is in a position in which he has full freedom of speech to criticise even government leaders, and he uses this to his advantage to create his own ethos. He emphasises his own credibility by discrediting his opponents, making an effective use of irony and sarcasm particularly regarding John Howard’s stance on the issue, claiming he would be better to “read Robert Hughes (a social historian) rather than the opinion polls.” Throughout the speech, Pearson refers to or directly quotes, sometimes at length, prominent and respected figures to lend credibility to his arguments and establish ethos, all of which subtly cause the audience to take to heart his suggestions. Similar to Sadat, Pearson also uses emotive language to his advantage, establishing pathos with the audience through appeals to national pride, claiming that treatment of Aboriginal peoples “left the country with a legacy of unutterable shame.” This is underpinned by a repetition of a quote from former PM Keating that Australians need to “open our hearts a bit,” implicating the audience in the issue and giving it present-day relevance. Rhetorical questions are also used to incur a sense of responsibility on the audience and provoke them to take action, particularly in the quote from William Cooper: “Will you, by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your fathers?” In this one quote, Pearson achieves ethos through reference to an authority figure as well as a sense of moral duty whilst calling his listeners to action.
Although the above speeches were made by different speakers, focussing on different issues in very different contexts and with varied purposes, it is clear through close analysis that they both possess the same quality: the recognition of the persuasive power of words. It is indeed through careful choice of language form and rhetorical device appropriate to audience and purpose that speakers are able to inspire change in the attitudes and actions of audience to right perceived flaws in society.
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?
Speeches are powerful persuasive tools utilized by skilled speakers who understand the power tied up in their words and how they use them in influencing the thoughts and actions of others. In addressing their audiences, speechmakers focus in on societal inequalities and injustices and, to varying degrees, attempt to bring about change, either by provoking the listener to take action or to simply become more informed or aware of an issue. Although both approach their subject differently, both Anwar Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Noel Pearson’s An Australian History For Us All are speeches which, through use of literary technique and rhetorical device, harness the power of words, and to varying degrees, attempt to inspire change.
One of the most powerful and important ways in which a speechmaker can use their words is by taking account of the audience to whom they are speaking, and recognising how they must tailor their language forms in order for their words to be persuasive and resonate with their audience. This is particularly true in the case of Sadat’s speech, given the context in which it was delivered. Sadat delivered this speech in 1977, by which time a long history of conflict and war had existed between the state of Israel and Egypt, of which Sadat was then President. Sadat was determined to bring an end to the hostilities of the two nations by visiting the Israeli Knesset, but in so doing, placed himself, the head of a foreign enemy state, which was itself the source of a great deal of sorrow and anger in Israel, within their own parliament. Rather than allow this raw emotion to detract from his message, Sadat used this emotion to his own advantage by taking considerable effort to establish pathos with his audience. This is demonstrated in the speech when Sadat asks the audience to consider the effects of war on the civilian, relating the flow-on effect of the loss of human life ‘irrespective of its being that of an Israeli or Arab.’ Expressions such as ‘the wife who becomes a widow’ and ‘innocent children’ are pieces of highly emotive language which focus the audience on a pain common to both nations, and also identifies that the real issue being discussed is not political ties but the need for justice and peace amongst nations. Sadat also establishes positive pathos by creating a common ground with his audience. This is imperative given the fractured relations between Israel and the nation Sadat represents. Sadat makes use of the strong religious background of his audience by linking the traditional faiths of both nations, as seen in his allusions to the shared suffering of ‘Muslims, Christians and Jews’ at regular intervals. This, along with inclusive language such as ‘we all’ and ‘us, you and the entire world,’ creates a feeling of shared experience with his audience and redirects the potential for negative and angry emotion to a common mourning over the devastations of war, an attitude which is much more suited to Sadat’s purpose of encouraging a change to mutual peace. Sadat then addresses his solution for change in the form of quaesitio questions, asking ‘why don’t we stretch our hands…so that we might destroy this barrier?’, a technique which includes the audience in the decision making process and identifies the change as theirs to make. In order for his audience to take notice of what is being said, Sadat also looks to establish his own authority and appeal to the ethos of the audience. He achieves this in several ways, including the use of facts, dates, names and documents such as ‘the Balfour Declaration’ and the ‘Geneva Conference,’ which demonstrates to the audience that he is well informed of the facts and in a credible position to advocate needed change. This authority is also established by reference to his powerful political position and that he is coming to speak to them ‘In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful,’ which not only establishes him as a sincere religious figure, but also demonstrates his understanding of the devout spiritual context of his audience. By exercising his authority and establishing his own ethos, Sadat effectively balances the emotional aspects of his language with stark reality, moving his audience to make a tangible change.
Despite the difference in context and purpose, Pearson’s speech also utilises rhetorical device to give his words persuasive power and address current issues in the quest for societal change. Pearson delivered his speech in Australia in 1996, a time when recognition of past injustice and subsequent reconciliation between Indigenous and non-Indigenous people was a contentious topic both at governmental level and amongst the general public. The purpose of Pearson’s speech here is to present an argument against the views of some politicians, Prime Minister John Howard in particular as well as the media, who, according to Pearson, advocate the repression of responsibility for injustices over imposing ‘guilt’ on the Australian people. Unlike Sadat, Pearson is in a position in which he has full freedom of speech to criticise even government leaders, and he uses this to his advantage to create his own ethos. He emphasises his own credibility by discrediting his opponents, making an effective use of irony and sarcasm particularly regarding John Howard’s stance on the issue, claiming he would be better to “read Robert Hughes (a social historian) rather than the opinion polls.” Throughout the speech, Pearson refers to or directly quotes, sometimes at length, prominent and respected figures to lend credibility to his arguments and establish ethos, all of which subtly cause the audience to take to heart his suggestions. Similar to Sadat, Pearson also uses emotive language to his advantage, establishing pathos with the audience through appeals to national pride, claiming that treatment of Aboriginal peoples “left the country with a legacy of unutterable shame.” This is underpinned by a repetition of a quote from former PM Keating that Australians need to “open our hearts a bit,” implicating the audience in the issue and giving it present-day relevance. Rhetorical questions are also used to incur a sense of responsibility on the audience and provoke them to take action, particularly in the quote from William Cooper: “Will you, by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your fathers?” In this one quote, Pearson achieves ethos through reference to an authority figure as well as a sense of moral duty whilst calling his listeners to action.
Although the above speeches were made by different speakers, focussing on different issues in very different contexts and with varied purposes, it is clear through close analysis that they both possess the same quality: the recognition of the persuasive power of words. It is indeed through careful choice of language form and rhetorical device appropriate to audience and purpose that speakers are able to inspire change in the attitudes and actions of audience to right perceived flaws in society.
Here is your essay with some changes or suggestions written in bold font:
Spoiler
Speeches embrace the power of words and draw attention to flaws in society to inspire change in their audience.
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?
Speeches are powerful persuasive tools utilized (That's American English - it should be utilised) by skilled (Not sure about skilled? This is an action packed sentence and skilled doesn't add to this. Because speakers can be skilled or unskilled in one person's eyes and the opposite in another person's, it is subjective. Unless you were stating your opinion (which you are asked to do in this module but it doesn't appear you have taken that road in the first sentence, totally fine) then you should avoid subjectivity. speakers who understand thepower tied up in their words (power of their words? capacity of their words?) and how they use them in influencing the thoughts and actions of others. In addressing their audiences, speechmakers focus in on societal inequalities and injustices and, to varying degrees, attempt to bring about change, either by provoking the listener to take action or to simply become more informed or aware of an issue. Although both approach their subject differently, both Anwar Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Noel Pearson’s An Australian History For Us All are speeches which, through use of literary technique and rhetorical device, harness the power of words, and to varying degrees, attempt to inspire change. (You have a lot of little phrases in here divided by commas. I would change this to, "...are speeches which harness the power of words through literary and rhetorical devices and to varying degrees, attempt to inspire change." Also remember, in this module you can use adverbs to describe how the composers work. Don't shy away from "artfully manipulates the conventions..." or "skillfully articulates..." Also. you've only implicitly dealt with the question in terms of the "flaws." I would definitely say flaws explicitly and use synonyms later.
One of the most powerful and important ways in which a speechmaker can use their words is by taking account of the audience to whom they are speaking, and recognising how they must tailor their language forms in order for their words to be persuasive and resonate with their audience. This is particularly true in the case of Sadat’s speech, given the context in which it was delivered. Sadat delivered this speech in 1977, by which time a long history of conflict and war had existed between the state of Israel and Egypt, of which Sadat was then President. Sadat was determined to bring an end to the hostilities of the two nations by visiting the Israeli Knesset, but in so doing, placed himself, the head of a foreign enemy state,which was itself the source of a great deal of sorrow and anger in Israel, within their own parliament.I'm noticing a trend in your writing ;) You love the comma splices! Try to make your sentences flow as greatly as possible. Your use of commas makes it sound like you are actually writing a speech rather than writing about a speech. Rather than allow this raw emotion to detract from his message, Sadat used this emotion to his own advantage by taking considerable effort to establish pathos with his audience. Awesome! This is demonstrated in the speech when Sadat asks the audience to consider the effects of war on the civilian, relating the flow-on effect of the loss of human life ‘irrespective of its being that of an Israeli or Arab.’ Expressions such as ‘the wife who becomes a widow’ and ‘innocent children’ are pieces of highly emotive language which focus the audience on a pain common to both nations, and also identifies that the real issue being discussed is not political ties but the need for justice and peace amongst nations. Sadat also establishes positive pathos by creating a common ground with his audience. This is imperative given the fractured relations between Israel and the nation Sadat represents. Sadat makes use of the strong religious background of his audience by linking the traditional faiths of both nations, as seen in his allusions to the shared suffering of ‘Muslims, Christians and Jews’ at regular intervals. This, along with inclusive language such as ‘we all’ and ‘us, you and the entire world,’ creates a feeling of shared experience with his audience and redirects the potential for negative and angry emotion to a common mourning over the devastations of war, an attitude which is much more suited to Sadat’s purpose of encouraging a change to mutual peace. Sadat then addresses his solution for change in the form of quaesitio questions, asking ‘why don’t we stretch our hands…so that we might destroy this barrier?’, a technique which includes the audience in the decision making process and identifies the change as theirs to make. In order for his audience to take notice of what is being said, Sadat also looks to establish his own authority and appeal to the ethos of the audience. He achieves this in several ways, including the use of facts, dates, names and documents such as ‘the Balfour Declaration’ and the ‘Geneva Conference,’ which demonstrates to the audience that he is well informed of the facts and in a credible position to advocate needed change. This authority is also established by reference to his powerful political position and that he is coming to speak to them ‘In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful,’ which not only establishes him as a sincere religious figure, but also demonstrates his understanding of the devout spiritual context of his audience. By exercising his authority and establishing his own ethos, Sadat effectively Excellent use of adverb! balances the emotional aspects of his language with stark reality, moving his audience to make a tangible change. Do remember what the question is asking of you. You've packed the paragraph full in ways that show your textual knowledge so so well. It is obvious that you do know the text well! However, you need a far more consistent link to the flaws and inspiration that the question asks of you. Although I can definitely see that it is angled at many times, you need to have a super strong thesis running through this to make sure that your awesome textual knowledge isn't penalised. You should aim to relate every, or every second, piece of textual evidence back to the question.
Despite the difference in context and purpose, Pearson’s speech also utilises rhetorical devices to give his words persuasive power and address current issues in the quest for societal change. Pearson delivered his speech in Australia in 1996, a time when recognition of past injustice and subsequent reconciliation between Indigenous and non-Indigenous people was a contentious topic both at governmental level and amongst the general public. The purpose of Pearson’s speech here is to present an argument against the views of some politicians, Prime Minister John Howard in particular as well as the media, who, according to Pearson, advocate the repression of responsibility for injustices over imposing ‘guilt’ on the Australian people. Unlike Sadat, Pearson is in a position in which he has full freedom of speech to criticise even government leaders, and he uses this to his advantage to create his own ethos. Great integration of texts here!He emphasises his own credibility by discrediting his opponents, making an effective use of irony and sarcasm particularly regarding John Howard’s stance on the issue, claiming he would be better to “read Robert Hughes (a social historian) rather than the opinion polls.” Throughout the speech, Pearson refers to or directly quotes, sometimes at length, prominent and respected figures to lend credibility to his arguments and establish ethos, all of which subtly cause the audience to take to heart his suggestions. Similar to Sadat, Pearson also uses emotive language to his advantage, establishing pathos with the audience through appeals to national pride, claiming that treatment of Aboriginal peoples “left the country with a legacy of unutterable shame.” This is underpinned by a repetition of a quote from former PM Keating that Australians need to “open our hearts a bit,” implicating the audience in the issue and giving it present-day relevance. Rhetorical questions are also used to incur a sense of responsibility on the audience and provoke them to take action, particularly in the quote from William Cooper: “Will you, by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your fathers?” In this one quote, Pearson achieves ethos through reference to an authority figure as well as a sense of moral duty whilst calling his listeners to action. Again, the same as above, you need to refer to the question more.
Although the above speeches were made presented by different speakers, focussing on different issues in very different contexts and with varied purposes, it is clear through close analysis that they both possess the same quality: the recognition of the persuasive power of words. It is indeed through careful choice of language form and rhetorical device appropriate to audience and purpose that speakers are able to inspire change in the attitudes and actions of audience to right perceived flaws in society.
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?
Speeches are powerful persuasive tools utilized (That's American English - it should be utilised) by skilled (Not sure about skilled? This is an action packed sentence and skilled doesn't add to this. Because speakers can be skilled or unskilled in one person's eyes and the opposite in another person's, it is subjective. Unless you were stating your opinion (which you are asked to do in this module but it doesn't appear you have taken that road in the first sentence, totally fine) then you should avoid subjectivity. speakers who understand the
One of the most powerful and important ways in which a speechmaker can use their words is by taking account of the audience to whom they are speaking, and recognising how they must tailor their language forms in order for their words to be persuasive and resonate with their audience. This is particularly true in the case of Sadat’s speech, given the context in which it was delivered. Sadat delivered this speech in 1977, by which time a long history of conflict and war had existed between the state of Israel and Egypt, of which Sadat was then President. Sadat was determined to bring an end to the hostilities of the two nations by visiting the Israeli Knesset, but in so doing, placed himself, the head of a foreign enemy state,
Despite the difference in context and purpose, Pearson’s speech also utilises rhetorical devices to give his words persuasive power and address current issues in the quest for societal change. Pearson delivered his speech in Australia in 1996, a time when recognition of past injustice and subsequent reconciliation between Indigenous and non-Indigenous people was a contentious topic both at governmental level and amongst the general public. The purpose of Pearson’s speech here is to present an argument against the views of some politicians, Prime Minister John Howard in particular as well as the media, who, according to Pearson, advocate the repression of responsibility for injustices over imposing ‘guilt’ on the Australian people. Unlike Sadat, Pearson is in a position in which he has full freedom of speech to criticise even government leaders, and he uses this to his advantage to create his own ethos. Great integration of texts here!He emphasises his own credibility by discrediting his opponents, making an effective use of irony and sarcasm particularly regarding John Howard’s stance on the issue, claiming he would be better to “read Robert Hughes (a social historian) rather than the opinion polls.” Throughout the speech, Pearson refers to or directly quotes, sometimes at length, prominent and respected figures to lend credibility to his arguments and establish ethos, all of which subtly cause the audience to take to heart his suggestions. Similar to Sadat, Pearson also uses emotive language to his advantage, establishing pathos with the audience through appeals to national pride, claiming that treatment of Aboriginal peoples “left the country with a legacy of unutterable shame.” This is underpinned by a repetition of a quote from former PM Keating that Australians need to “open our hearts a bit,” implicating the audience in the issue and giving it present-day relevance. Rhetorical questions are also used to incur a sense of responsibility on the audience and provoke them to take action, particularly in the quote from William Cooper: “Will you, by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your fathers?” In this one quote, Pearson achieves ethos through reference to an authority figure as well as a sense of moral duty whilst calling his listeners to action. Again, the same as above, you need to refer to the question more.
Although the above speeches were made presented by different speakers, focu
Okay:
Your textual analysis is truly truly awesome. I mean that! However, the linking to the question just isn't there enough. There is a personal voice developing, but it will get to the right level when it is linked to the essay question. You can disagree with the question, but each paragraph should be dictated by your response so that your marker can see that you have formed an opinion based on what is set for study and the essay question.
Like I said above, make sure that every, or every second, piece of textual referencing is directly related to the question/your thesis. This is also a good test if you ever need to cut out evidence: what can't be easily linked to the essay question?
You've got a good grasp on the speeches, their purpose, their achievements, their context, etc. Now it is time to work on the picky side of things and turn this knowledge into the kind of response that a marker wants to see. Let me know if this doesn't make perfect sense and I'll try flesh it out a little more :) You should be very pleased with your textual knowledge!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 11:11:05 pm
Hi,
Can you please look at my essay for The Crucible and my related.
Thank you so much :D
Hey summerxyingshi!! Thanks for posting, we'd love to give you some feedback, but we can't until you've made 5 posts on ATAR Notes Forums. You are only a few away, try posting some questions, thanks, answers, anything! We introduced this restriction because this service is overwhelmingly popular, and we want to make sure the people who want it most receive high quality feedback, not just superficial comments on everyones essays, not as helpful ;) just give us a reminder once you've met the requirement (maybe repost the essay too if that is okay) and we will jump on it when we can!
Hopefully we will get back to you soon ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 11:15:22 pm
Hi, Elyse. Sorry but i was just wondering if you had missed marking mine?
No rush, just a reminder
Thanks
Hey WLalex, I think it did get lost in the shuffle bit, sorry! We'll get to your essay ASAP, thanks for your patience!! ;D
Post by: imtrying on March 24, 2016, 08:45:26 am
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 24, 2016, 10:40:34 am
Hi, i am currently studying Module A (The Prince and Julius Caesar), it would be great if you could take a look at my essay.
Thanks, i have attached it
Hey there! I am truly sorry that your essay got lost in the shuffle. Thank you for being so patient and sending a reminder, I would have hated for you to stay quiet and not received feedback!
Because your essay is sent on a PDF it looks a bit funny when I copy and paste it below because a PDF ensures that your writing cant be reformatted to fit the lines of this textbook. No problem though! I'm just letting you know so that you don't look at this like, what is going on here? haha
Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Does the treatment of personal morality (actions and choices based on morality) in Julius Caesar
and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the texts’ distinctive qualities?
The treatment of personal morality is arguably the main contributing factor in rising or succumbing
to power. Machiavelli’s The Prince, a non-fiction political treatise written in prose form and
Shakespeare’s play, Julius Caesar, written in the final years of Elizabeth’s reign both communicate
the unstable nature of the political world where in order to sustain power, personal morality must be
obliterated. In the 16th century, a leader must possess the ability to be interchangeable when the
occasion demands it, using manipulation as a mechanism to gain support. Both texts deal with the
overarching question of whether a leader should accept the means justifying the end. Separate in
time and place, both composers value a nation of stability, arising issues of leadership and
succession, demonstrating both similarities and distinctive qualities regarding the implication of
personal morality in political decisions.
Personal morality in politics only leads to self-destruction, therefore there should be a distinction
between how a leader wants to act and how he should act. Machiavelli suggests that for a leader
to gain and maintain power he has to make decisions that negate his morality as to avoid moving
“towards self-destruction rather than self-preservation.” This contradiction reflects Machiavelli’s
contention in that he is emphasising why Florence is crumbling. Shakespeare presents the
character of Brutus as one who deviates from what Machiavelli, as he is portrayed as honorable,
yet naive, about the political treachery surrounding him. In his soliloquy, he is convincing himself
that Caesar’s death is necessary because “he would be crowned. How that might change his
nature.” Shakespeare uses Brutus’s implausible reasoning, with his wavering ethics as the
catalysts to which Brutus embarks on a road to self destruction. Machiavelli insists that there can
be no moral considerations when it comes to politics as “anyone who declines to behave as people
do, in order to behave as they should, is schooling himself for catastrophe.” Machiavelli’s political
realism in the early turmoil of 16th century Europe, shed light on the corrupt nature of humans and
their desires for power. Conjunctively, Shakespeare successfully demonstrated that a nation in
such state holds no room for honourable men as Cassius exploits Brutus’s honour as a weakness
for “who so firm that cannot be seduced?”. This rhetorical questions reiterates Cassius’s
machiavellian intent which will gradually dismantle Brutus’s character as Shakespeare emphasises
the state of political turmoil in Rome as a power struggled emerged due to England being without
an heir. Power demands the negation of morality in order for a leader not to succumb to self
destruction.
A leader must seperate their ethics from their actions, resulting in a persona that possess the
ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it. The prince has been regarded as the
‘work of the Devil’ as Machiavelli exposes the idea that in order to sustain power one must “be a
fox in order to recognise traps, and a lion to frighten off wolves.” Caesar recognised the danger of
Cassius, and arguably, if he had been a ‘lion’ as Machiavelli suggests, he would have been able to
cease Cassius’s intent before they spiralled. Cassius represents the Roman republic which was
fighting against the threat of the tyranny of monarchial rulers - with comparison to the Prince, it
could be concluded that Caesar was not of ‘machiavellian nature’ nor a tyrant. Machiavelli
conflicted with the Catholic Church’s ethical teachings in that as long as “a leader does what it
takes to win power and keep it, his methods will always be reckoned honourable and widely
praised” as the people are only concerned with the end result. The obliteration of ethics when the
occasion demands it fits Antony’s portrayal throughout Julius Caesar is one of admiration in his
ease of making rational political decisions. The composition of a proscription list immediately after
his persuasion of the people, Machiavelli would approve of, as a measure to ensure their smooth
advance into power and ensuring their position by removing any opponents. Antony in this, is
presented an astute leader as to win power he agrees that “[his sisters son] shall not live”. One
must be able to adapt when it is necessary.
A leader who is able to use manipulation as a mechanism to hid their true intent will achieve results
. Manipulation requires going against what the right thing would be in order to benefit oneself and
Machiavelli says that a leader has to “know to to disguise [their] slyness, how to pretend one thing
and cover up another”. Shakespeare successfully portrays this through Cassius who manipulates
Brutus’s to partake in the conspiracy as a figure-head that will cover his evil intents with that of
honourable reasoning and change “what would appear offence in us..will change to virtue and to
worthiness”. Through Cassius’s sinister approach Shakespeare is demonstrating the profusion of
ambition which drives elite men to strive for power at any cost. Machiavelli would agree with this
because a leader doesn't have to be “compassionate, loyal, humane, honest and religious,” as
long as he “seem to possess them.” This ostentatious list is in regard to the shifting allegiances
and betrayal surrounding the roman empire and Machiavelli suggests that to maintain power
amongst the fickle, a facade is essential as a mechanism of manipulation. In accord to this,
Shakespeare uses Antony as an epitome the Elizabethan ideal of being patriotic and able to make
effective political decisions. Antony’s calculated revelation of Caesar’s generosity finally drives the
crowd into a destructive frenzy. They leave, intent on revenge, and Antony’s calculated intention
becomes clear as he addresses the empty stage: “Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot, Take
thou what course thou wilt!,” addressing the power of rhetoric and the successive portrayal of
virtue. Manipulation is necessary to advances ones position.
In order to sustain power, a leader must accept that the end justifies the means. Due to human
nature, arguable, it is acceptable to take measures to control ambition to prevent tyranny.
Machiavelli emphasises that it’s important to “foresee and forestall future problems” and uses the
analogy of tuberculosis to relate to conspiracy in that “as time goes by it gets easy to diagnose and
hard to cure.” This is successfully demonstrated when Caesar recognises that “Cassius has a lean
and hungry look…such men are dangerous” but doesn’t do anything about it. Arguably, if he had
made the decisions necessary to ensure his safety, his rein would not have been challenged. In
order to maintain power Machiavelli says that a complete disregard for moral standards is required
which segregated his work from all that had gone before it as “the end is all that counts”.
Shakespeare uses Brutus as the main point of contention with the ‘Machiavellian’ idealism and the
use of personal morality. During a period of war, when one should supposedly nullify morality,
Brutus asks cassius, “did not great Julius bleed for justice’ sake?”. Shakespeare uses this rhetoric
question to connect with his audience and propose the spiralling threat of a non-ethical world.
Whilst Brutus questions morality in theMachiavellian view that the end justifies the means, it is
clear that a leader will have to go against his moral if he is to succeed in the political world.
The use of personal morality supply’s one with the ability to both achieve and fail.Machiavelli’s
political treatise, The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, despite seperate in time and place,
clearly enhance the portrayal of moral standards in regards to how a leader should act and the
threats necessary to gain and maintain power. Acting as a ‘how to’ guide and demonstrative
handbook, both composers successfully demonstrate the role of people in a nations stability.
and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the texts’ distinctive qualities?
The treatment of personal morality is arguably the main contributing factor in rising or succumbing
to power. Machiavelli’s The Prince, a non-fiction political treatise written in prose form and
Shakespeare’s play, Julius Caesar, written in the final years of Elizabeth’s reign both communicate
the unstable nature of the political world where in order to sustain power, personal morality must be
obliterated. In the 16th century, a leader must possess the ability to be interchangeable when the
occasion demands it, using manipulation as a mechanism to gain support. Both texts deal with the
overarching question of whether a leader should accept the means justifying the end. Separate in
time and place, both composers value a nation of stability, arising issues of leadership and
succession, demonstrating both similarities and distinctive qualities regarding the implication of
personal morality in political decisions.
Personal morality in politics only leads to self-destruction, therefore there should be a distinction
between how a leader wants to act and how he should act. Machiavelli suggests that for a leader
to gain and maintain power he has to make decisions that negate his morality as to avoid moving
“towards self-destruction rather than self-preservation.” This contradiction reflects Machiavelli’s
contention in that he is emphasising why Florence is crumbling. Shakespeare presents the
character of Brutus as one who deviates from what Machiavelli, as he is portrayed as honorable,
yet naive, about the political treachery surrounding him. In his soliloquy, he is convincing himself
that Caesar’s death is necessary because “he would be crowned. How that might change his
nature.” Shakespeare uses Brutus’s implausible reasoning, with his wavering ethics as the
catalysts to which Brutus embarks on a road to self destruction. Machiavelli insists that there can
be no moral considerations when it comes to politics as “anyone who declines to behave as people
do, in order to behave as they should, is schooling himself for catastrophe.” Machiavelli’s political
realism in the early turmoil of 16th century Europe, shed light on the corrupt nature of humans and
their desires for power. Conjunctively, Shakespeare successfully demonstrated that a nation in
such state holds no room for honourable men as Cassius exploits Brutus’s honour as a weakness
for “who so firm that cannot be seduced?”. This rhetorical questions reiterates Cassius’s
machiavellian intent which will gradually dismantle Brutus’s character as Shakespeare emphasises
the state of political turmoil in Rome as a power struggled emerged due to England being without
an heir. Power demands the negation of morality in order for a leader not to succumb to self
destruction.
A leader must seperate their ethics from their actions, resulting in a persona that possess the
ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it. The prince has been regarded as the
‘work of the Devil’ as Machiavelli exposes the idea that in order to sustain power one must “be a
fox in order to recognise traps, and a lion to frighten off wolves.” Caesar recognised the danger of
Cassius, and arguably, if he had been a ‘lion’ as Machiavelli suggests, he would have been able to
cease Cassius’s intent before they spiralled. Cassius represents the Roman republic which was
fighting against the threat of the tyranny of monarchial rulers - with comparison to the Prince, it
could be concluded that Caesar was not of ‘machiavellian nature’ nor a tyrant. Machiavelli
conflicted with the Catholic Church’s ethical teachings in that as long as “a leader does what it
takes to win power and keep it, his methods will always be reckoned honourable and widely
praised” as the people are only concerned with the end result. The obliteration of ethics when the
occasion demands it fits Antony’s portrayal throughout Julius Caesar is one of admiration in his
ease of making rational political decisions. The composition of a proscription list immediately after
his persuasion of the people, Machiavelli would approve of, as a measure to ensure their smooth
advance into power and ensuring their position by removing any opponents. Antony in this, is
presented an astute leader as to win power he agrees that “[his sisters son] shall not live”. One
must be able to adapt when it is necessary.
A leader who is able to use manipulation as a mechanism to hid their true intent will achieve results
. Manipulation requires going against what the right thing would be in order to benefit oneself and
Machiavelli says that a leader has to “know to to disguise [their] slyness, how to pretend one thing
and cover up another”. Shakespeare successfully portrays this through Cassius who manipulates
Brutus’s to partake in the conspiracy as a figure-head that will cover his evil intents with that of
honourable reasoning and change “what would appear offence in us..will change to virtue and to
worthiness”. Through Cassius’s sinister approach Shakespeare is demonstrating the profusion of
ambition which drives elite men to strive for power at any cost. Machiavelli would agree with this
because a leader doesn't have to be “compassionate, loyal, humane, honest and religious,” as
long as he “seem to possess them.” This ostentatious list is in regard to the shifting allegiances
and betrayal surrounding the roman empire and Machiavelli suggests that to maintain power
amongst the fickle, a facade is essential as a mechanism of manipulation. In accord to this,
Shakespeare uses Antony as an epitome the Elizabethan ideal of being patriotic and able to make
effective political decisions. Antony’s calculated revelation of Caesar’s generosity finally drives the
crowd into a destructive frenzy. They leave, intent on revenge, and Antony’s calculated intention
becomes clear as he addresses the empty stage: “Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot, Take
thou what course thou wilt!,” addressing the power of rhetoric and the successive portrayal of
virtue. Manipulation is necessary to advances ones position.
In order to sustain power, a leader must accept that the end justifies the means. Due to human
nature, arguable, it is acceptable to take measures to control ambition to prevent tyranny.
Machiavelli emphasises that it’s important to “foresee and forestall future problems” and uses the
analogy of tuberculosis to relate to conspiracy in that “as time goes by it gets easy to diagnose and
hard to cure.” This is successfully demonstrated when Caesar recognises that “Cassius has a lean
and hungry look…such men are dangerous” but doesn’t do anything about it. Arguably, if he had
made the decisions necessary to ensure his safety, his rein would not have been challenged. In
order to maintain power Machiavelli says that a complete disregard for moral standards is required
which segregated his work from all that had gone before it as “the end is all that counts”.
Shakespeare uses Brutus as the main point of contention with the ‘Machiavellian’ idealism and the
use of personal morality. During a period of war, when one should supposedly nullify morality,
Brutus asks cassius, “did not great Julius bleed for justice’ sake?”. Shakespeare uses this rhetoric
question to connect with his audience and propose the spiralling threat of a non-ethical world.
Whilst Brutus questions morality in theMachiavellian view that the end justifies the means, it is
clear that a leader will have to go against his moral if he is to succeed in the political world.
The use of personal morality supply’s one with the ability to both achieve and fail.Machiavelli’s
political treatise, The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, despite seperate in time and place,
clearly enhance the portrayal of moral standards in regards to how a leader should act and the
threats necessary to gain and maintain power. Acting as a ‘how to’ guide and demonstrative
handbook, both composers successfully demonstrate the role of people in a nations stability.
Here is your essay with my annotations written in bold:
Spoiler
Does the treatment of personal morality (actions and choices based on morality) in Julius Caesar
and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the texts’ distinctive qualities?
The treatment of personal morality is arguably the main contributing factor in rising or succumbing
to power. Awesome! Machiavelli’s The Prince, a non-fiction political treatise written in prose form and
Shakespeare’s play, Julius Caesar, written in the final years of Elizabeth’s reign both communicate
the unstable nature of the political world where in order to sustain power, personal morality must be
obliterated. This sentence reads awkwardly because you've got a bunch of clauses and phrases that are a bit disjointed. I would write this as:
"Machiavelli's non-fiction political treatise written in prose, The Prince, and Shakespeare's historical tragedy composed in the final years of Queen Elizabeth's reign, Julis Caesar, both observe the unstable nature of the political world. Both texts explore the notion that in order to sustain power, personal morality must be obliterated." This reverses the placement of the text in relation to its description, but also cuts it into two sentences so that it is more easily digestable. In the 16th century, a leader must possess the ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it, using manipulation as a mechanism to gain support. Both texts deal with the overarching question of whether a leader should accept the means justifying the end. I think this should be, "the ends justifying the means" otherwise this reads as though you are saying that although the ending may be bad, the way it all happened was moral. Which The Prince suggests the opposite of, from my understanding? :) Separate in
time and place, both composers value a nation of stability, arising issues of leadership and
succession, demonstrating both similarities and distinctive qualities regarding the implication of
personal morality in political decisions. You've done an excellent job of directly answering the question over and over. It is so rare that students truly do this because they get excited about the texts and their knowledge of that, and forget to tailor it to the question.
Personal morality in politics only leads to self-destruction To me, you are talking about the literal death of the person by saying self-destruction. Is this what you intend, or do you mean them and their empire/intentions/government can also be destructed? It is a small word choice thing but I want you to be aware :), therefore there should be a distinction
between how a leader wants to act and how he should act. Machiavelli suggests that for a leader
to gain and maintain power he has to make decisions that negate his morality as to avoid moving
“towards self-destruction rather than self-preservation.” This contradiction reflects Machiavelli’s
contention in that he is emphasising why Florence is crumbling. Shakespeare presents the
character of Brutus as one who deviates from what Machiavelli, as he is portrayed as honorable,
yet naive, about the political treachery surrounding him. In his soliloquy, he is convincing himself
that Caesar’s death is necessary because “he would be crowned. How that might change his
nature.” Shakespeare uses Brutus’s implausible reasoning, with his wavering ethics as the
catalysts to which Brutus embarks on a road to self destruction. Machiavelli insists that there can
be no moral considerations when it comes to politics as “anyone who declines to behave as people
do, in order to behave as they should, is schooling himself for catastrophe.” Machiavelli’s political
realism in the early turmoil of 16th century Europe, shed light on the corrupt nature of humans and
their desires for power. Conjunctively, Shakespeare successfully demonstrated that a nation in
such state holds no room for honourable men as Cassius exploits Brutus’s honour as a weakness
for “who so firm that cannot be seduced?”. This rhetorical questions reiterates Cassius’s
machiavellian intent which will gradually dismantle Brutus’s character as Shakespeare emphasises
the state of political turmoil in Rome as a power struggled emerged due to England being without
an heir. Power demands the negation of morality in order for a leader not to succumb to self
destruction. Again, this has really dealt with the words of the question beautifully. Your integrated is great, and you've also followed through with the self-destruction part of this paragraph really well, it is very unique.
A leader must seperate their ethics from their actions, resulting in a persona that possess the
ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it. I'm just so ridiculously impressed by this. You've really embodied everything that The Prince suggests, but is also evident in Shakespeare's texts, and you've let it give your paragraph direction. Although, I'm wondering, if you could add "personal morality" or a variation to the sentence? Potentially swap "ethics" for "personal morals?" I know it doesn't have the same meaning on a technical level, but it is something to consider so that you can show the marker that you are really dealing with the question in every spot. The prince has been regarded as the
‘work of the Devil’ Where is this quote from? Is it from the text or is this from an outside source? If it is from an outside source it needs to be referenced. Otherwise, carry on :)as Machiavelli exposes the idea that in order to sustain power one must “be a
fox in order to recognise traps, and a lion to frighten off wolves.”You could identify a technique here to strengthen this. Where there is a description involving an animal, there is a technique ;) This will strengthen your analysis. Caesar recognised the danger of Cassius, and arguably, if he had been a ‘lion’ as Machiavelli suggests, he would have been able to
cease Cassius’s intent before they spiralled. Cassius represents the Roman republic which was
fighting against the threat of the tyranny of monarchial rulers - with comparison to the Prince, it
could be concluded that Caesar was not of ‘machiavellian nature’ nor a tyrant. Machiavelli
conflicted with the Catholic Church’s ethical teachings in that as long as “a leader does what it
takes to win power and keep it, his methods will always be reckoned honourable and widely
praised” as the people are only concerned with the end result. For a long time now, there has been no deep textual analysis, only talking about the text on a macro level. You can do this, but you need to them zoom in on a specific example from the text to give it strength.The obliteration of ethics when the
occasion demands it fits Antony’s portrayal throughout Julius Caesaris ?? as?? maybe? The sentence doesn't quite make sense. one of admiration in his
ease of making rational political decisions. The composition of a proscription list immediately after
his persuasion of the people, Machiavelli would approve of, as a measure to ensure their smooth
advance into power and ensuring their position by removing any opponents. Antony in this, is
presented an astute leader as to win power he agrees that “[his sisters son] shall not live”. One
must be able to adapt when it is necessary.
A leader who is able to use manipulation as a mechanism to hid their true intent will achieve results
. Manipulation requires going against what the right thing (This is subjective. Try, ethical or moral. would be in order to benefit oneself and
Machiavelli says that a leader has to “know to to disguise [their] slyness, how to pretend one thing
and cover up another”. Shakespeare successfully portrays this through Cassius who manipulates
Brutus’s to partake in the conspiracy as a figure-head that will cover his evil intents with that of
honourable reasoning and change “what would appear offence in us..will change to virtue and to
worthiness”. Through Cassius’s sinister approach Shakespeare is demonstrating the profusion of
ambition which drives elite men to strive for power at any cost. Machiavelli would agree with this
because a leader doesn't have to be “compassionate, loyal, humane, honest and religious,” as
long as he “seem to possess them.” This ostentatious list is in regard to the shifting allegiances
and betrayal surrounding the roman empire and Machiavelli suggests that to maintain power
amongst the fickle, a facade is essential as a mechanism of manipulation. In accord to this,
Shakespeare uses Antony as an epitome the Elizabethan ideal of being patriotic and able to make
effective political decisions. Antony’s calculated revelation of Caesar’s generosity finally drives the
crowd into a destructive frenzy. They leave, intent on revenge, and Antony’s calculated intention
becomes clear as he addresses the empty stage: “Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot, Take
thou what course thou wilt!,” addressing the power of rhetoric and the successive portrayal of
virtue. Manipulation is necessary to advances ones position.
In order to sustain power, a leader must accept that the end justifies the means.(Yeah, this is how the quote is supposed to be hehe) Due to human
nature, arguabley, it is acceptable to take measures to control ambition to prevent tyranny.
Machiavelli emphasises that it’s important to “foresee and forestall future problems” and uses the
analogy of tuberculosis to relate to conspiracy in that “as time goes by it gets easy to diagnose and
hard to cure.” This is successfully demonstrated when Caesar recognises that “Cassius has a lean
and hungry look…such men are dangerous” but doesn’t do anything about it. Arguably, if he had
made the decisions necessary to ensure his safety, his rein would not have been challenged. In
order to maintain power Machiavelli says that a complete disregard for moral standards is required
which segregated his work from all that had gone before it as “the end is all that counts”.
Shakespeare uses Brutus as the main point of contention with the ‘Machiavellian’ idealism and the
use of personal morality. During a period of war, when one should supposedly nullify morality,
Brutus asks cassius, “did not great Julius bleed for justice’ sake?”. Shakespeare uses this rhetoric
question to connect with his audience and propose the spiralling threat of a non-ethical world.
Whilst Brutus questions morality in theMachiavellian view that the end justifies the means, it is
clear that a leader will have to go against his moral if he is to succeed in the political world.
The use of personal morality supply’s supplies one with the ability to both achieve and fail. Machiavelli’s
political treatise, The Prince, and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, despite being seperate in time and place,
clearly enhance the portrayal of moral standards in regards to how a leader should act and the
threats necessary to gain and maintain power. Acting as a ‘how to’ instructional, directional, directing...these sound better to me than "how to"guide and demonstrative
handbook, both composers successfully demonstrate the role of people in a nations stability.
and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the texts’ distinctive qualities?
The treatment of personal morality is arguably the main contributing factor in rising or succumbing
to power. Awesome! Machiavelli’s The Prince, a non-fiction political treatise written in prose form and
Shakespeare’s play, Julius Caesar, written in the final years of Elizabeth’s reign both communicate
the unstable nature of the political world where in order to sustain power, personal morality must be
obliterated. This sentence reads awkwardly because you've got a bunch of clauses and phrases that are a bit disjointed. I would write this as:
"Machiavelli's non-fiction political treatise written in prose, The Prince, and Shakespeare's historical tragedy composed in the final years of Queen Elizabeth's reign, Julis Caesar, both observe the unstable nature of the political world. Both texts explore the notion that in order to sustain power, personal morality must be obliterated." This reverses the placement of the text in relation to its description, but also cuts it into two sentences so that it is more easily digestable. In the 16th century, a leader must possess the ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it, using manipulation as a mechanism to gain support. Both texts deal with the overarching question of whether a leader should accept the means justifying the end. I think this should be, "the ends justifying the means" otherwise this reads as though you are saying that although the ending may be bad, the way it all happened was moral. Which The Prince suggests the opposite of, from my understanding? :) Separate in
time and place, both composers value a nation of stability, arising issues of leadership and
succession, demonstrating both similarities and distinctive qualities regarding the implication of
personal morality in political decisions. You've done an excellent job of directly answering the question over and over. It is so rare that students truly do this because they get excited about the texts and their knowledge of that, and forget to tailor it to the question.
Personal morality in politics only leads to self-destruction To me, you are talking about the literal death of the person by saying self-destruction. Is this what you intend, or do you mean them and their empire/intentions/government can also be destructed? It is a small word choice thing but I want you to be aware :), therefore there should be a distinction
between how a leader wants to act and how he should act. Machiavelli suggests that for a leader
to gain and maintain power he has to make decisions that negate his morality as to avoid moving
“towards self-destruction rather than self-preservation.” This contradiction reflects Machiavelli’s
contention in that he is emphasising why Florence is crumbling. Shakespeare presents the
character of Brutus as one who deviates from what Machiavelli, as he is portrayed as honorable,
yet naive, about the political treachery surrounding him. In his soliloquy, he is convincing himself
that Caesar’s death is necessary because “he would be crowned. How that might change his
nature.” Shakespeare uses Brutus’s implausible reasoning, with his wavering ethics as the
catalysts to which Brutus embarks on a road to self destruction. Machiavelli insists that there can
be no moral considerations when it comes to politics as “anyone who declines to behave as people
do, in order to behave as they should, is schooling himself for catastrophe.” Machiavelli’s political
realism in the early turmoil of 16th century Europe, shed light on the corrupt nature of humans and
their desires for power. Conjunctively, Shakespeare successfully demonstrated that a nation in
such state holds no room for honourable men as Cassius exploits Brutus’s honour as a weakness
for “who so firm that cannot be seduced?”. This rhetorical questions reiterates Cassius’s
machiavellian intent which will gradually dismantle Brutus’s character as Shakespeare emphasises
the state of political turmoil in Rome as a power struggled emerged due to England being without
an heir. Power demands the negation of morality in order for a leader not to succumb to self
destruction. Again, this has really dealt with the words of the question beautifully. Your integrated is great, and you've also followed through with the self-destruction part of this paragraph really well, it is very unique.
A leader must seperate their ethics from their actions, resulting in a persona that possess the
ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it. I'm just so ridiculously impressed by this. You've really embodied everything that The Prince suggests, but is also evident in Shakespeare's texts, and you've let it give your paragraph direction. Although, I'm wondering, if you could add "personal morality" or a variation to the sentence? Potentially swap "ethics" for "personal morals?" I know it doesn't have the same meaning on a technical level, but it is something to consider so that you can show the marker that you are really dealing with the question in every spot. The prince has been regarded as the
‘work of the Devil’ Where is this quote from? Is it from the text or is this from an outside source? If it is from an outside source it needs to be referenced. Otherwise, carry on :)as Machiavelli exposes the idea that in order to sustain power one must “be a
fox in order to recognise traps, and a lion to frighten off wolves.”You could identify a technique here to strengthen this. Where there is a description involving an animal, there is a technique ;) This will strengthen your analysis. Caesar recognised the danger of Cassius, and arguably, if he had been a ‘lion’ as Machiavelli suggests, he would have been able to
cease Cassius’s intent before they spiralled. Cassius represents the Roman republic which was
fighting against the threat of the tyranny of monarchial rulers - with comparison to the Prince, it
could be concluded that Caesar was not of ‘machiavellian nature’ nor a tyrant. Machiavelli
conflicted with the Catholic Church’s ethical teachings in that as long as “a leader does what it
takes to win power and keep it, his methods will always be reckoned honourable and widely
praised” as the people are only concerned with the end result. For a long time now, there has been no deep textual analysis, only talking about the text on a macro level. You can do this, but you need to them zoom in on a specific example from the text to give it strength.The obliteration of ethics when the
occasion demands it fits Antony’s portrayal throughout Julius Caesar
ease of making rational political decisions. The composition of a proscription list immediately after
his persuasion of the people, Machiavelli would approve of, as a measure to ensure their smooth
advance into power and ensuring their position by removing any opponents. Antony in this, is
presented an astute leader as to win power he agrees that “[his sisters son] shall not live”. One
must be able to adapt when it is necessary.
A leader who is able to use manipulation as a mechanism to hid their true intent will achieve results
. Manipulation requires going against what the right thing (This is subjective. Try, ethical or moral. would be in order to benefit oneself and
Machiavelli says that a leader has to “know to to disguise [their] slyness, how to pretend one thing
and cover up another”. Shakespeare successfully portrays this through Cassius who manipulates
Brutus’s to partake in the conspiracy as a figure-head that will cover his evil intents with that of
honourable reasoning and change “what would appear offence in us..will change to virtue and to
worthiness”. Through Cassius’s sinister approach Shakespeare is demonstrating the profusion of
ambition which drives elite men to strive for power at any cost. Machiavelli would agree with this
because a leader doesn't have to be “compassionate, loyal, humane, honest and religious,” as
long as he “seem to possess them.” This ostentatious list is in regard to the shifting allegiances
and betrayal surrounding the roman empire and Machiavelli suggests that to maintain power
amongst the fickle, a facade is essential as a mechanism of manipulation. In accord to this,
Shakespeare uses Antony as an epitome the Elizabethan ideal of being patriotic and able to make
effective political decisions. Antony’s calculated revelation of Caesar’s generosity finally drives the
crowd into a destructive frenzy. They leave, intent on revenge, and Antony’s calculated intention
becomes clear as he addresses the empty stage: “Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot, Take
thou what course thou wilt!,” addressing the power of rhetoric and the successive portrayal of
virtue. Manipulation is necessary to advances ones position.
In order to sustain power, a leader must accept that the end justifies the means.(Yeah, this is how the quote is supposed to be hehe) Due to human
nature, arguabl
Machiavelli emphasises that it’s important to “foresee and forestall future problems” and uses the
analogy of tuberculosis to relate to conspiracy in that “as time goes by it gets easy to diagnose and
hard to cure.” This is successfully demonstrated when Caesar recognises that “Cassius has a lean
and hungry look…such men are dangerous” but doesn’t do anything about it. Arguably, if he had
made the decisions necessary to ensure his safety, his rein would not have been challenged. In
order to maintain power Machiavelli says that a complete disregard for moral standards is required
which segregated his work from all that had gone before it as “the end is all that counts”.
Shakespeare uses Brutus as the main point of contention with the ‘Machiavellian’ idealism and the
use of personal morality. During a period of war, when one should supposedly nullify morality,
Brutus asks cassius, “did not great Julius bleed for justice’ sake?”. Shakespeare uses this rhetoric
question to connect with his audience and propose the spiralling threat of a non-ethical world.
Whilst Brutus questions morality in theMachiavellian view that the end justifies the means, it is
clear that a leader will have to go against his moral if he is to succeed in the political world.
The use of personal morality
political treatise, The Prince, and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, despite being seperate in time and place,
clearly enhance the portrayal of moral standards in regards to how a leader should act and the
threats necessary to gain and maintain power. Acting as a ‘how to’ instructional, directional, directing...these sound better to me than "how to"guide and demonstrative
handbook, both composers successfully demonstrate the role of people in a nations stability.
Conclusion - Awesome. A few tweaks to be made in terms of sentence structure but this is seen throughout and I've commented on it a few times.
Your inclusion of the essay question throughout, even with a nice original take for each paragraph, is also awesome.
What lacks is your technical analysis. You can talk about the relationship between the two on a macro level but not necessarily as well on a deep, micro level. It would be awesome for you to espouse the structure of: quote, technique, analysis at least every second quote. It is okay to have a quote that supports your general argument without being specifically analysed, but you want to be as deep as possible in your analysis in order to ensure that you are showing the marker that you understand each text specifically, but also as a combination.
Again, I'm very sorry that your essay was lost in the pile and I really appreciate you coming back to let me know it was missed. :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 24, 2016, 10:43:25 am
Thankyou so so much for all your feedback! I've uploaded 2 essays now and it has helped me so much . You guys are awesome! :D
No, no, Thank YOU for helping the community grow! We are really thrilled that you are finding what we do helpful!
Post by: Son of Thatcher on March 26, 2016, 11:01:14 pm
First allow me to thank you for the opportunity to even use this service, really it's a huge help!
In any event, I am currently doing Module A and have managed to produce an essay that I will hopefully be able to use in the imminent half-yearlies (Great Gatsby + EBB). I would really appreciate any feedback/criticism, thanks so much! :)
Post by: Mizuki on March 27, 2016, 04:05:20 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 28, 2016, 11:29:31 pm
Hello guys!
First allow me to thank you for the opportunity to even use this service, really it's a huge help!
In any event, I am currently doing Module A and have managed to produce an essay that I will hopefully be able to use in the imminent half-yearlies (Great Gatsby + EBB). I would really appreciate any feedback/criticism, thanks so much! :)
I'm glad to hear you're enjoying ATAR Notes!
Okay, I'll get started! You should know that I did module A (obvs), but I did a different elective + different texts. So based on what I understand of this elective, I'll do my best!
Original essay:
Spoiler
‘The focus on the ideal in The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poetry reveals the relationship between text and context’
‘True’ love when epitomised as the ultimate ideal has the potential to offer insight into the necessary relationship between text and context and ultimately, reveal the attitudes and values of a writer. This notion is explored in the poetic works of Elizabeth Barrett Browning in her Sonnets From the Portuguese and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1924 novel, The Great Gatsby. Despite fundamentally different historical and social influences, it is through examining each text as social commentaries within their respective contexts, that one can come to a more profound appreciation of the attitudes and values of each author and recognise their shared understanding of love.
The focus on an idealised form of love, illustrating the contextual influence of Romanticism can best be seen in Barrett Browning’s Sonnets From the Portuguese. This collection of poems narrates the spiritual journey of the textual persona from one that is initially reluctant to engage in any form of love, to one that openly extolls the virtues of a sincere type of love, a love rooted in emotion and unshackled by worldly constraints. This concept in Sonnet XIII, where Barrett Browning brazenly rebuffs Robert and his request for her to ‘…fashion into speech the love I bear thee…’, saying ‘Nay, let the silence of my womanhood commend my woman-love to thy belief… The defiant tone of Barrett Browning’s retort, especially emphasised by her forceful exclamation of the word ‘…nay…’ encapsulates her strong opposition to the superficial nature of love during the Victorian Era by surreptitiously repudiating the notion that love needed to be expressed through words. Barrett Browning further derides this idea in the phrase ‘…silence of her womanhood…’ , which illustrates her indignation at the very idea that spoken word was an adequate enough tool for expressing love, instead implying that it is only through emotion that love is best conveyed. This form of sincere love which Barrett Browning advances is best demonstrated through her introduction to Sonnet XXII ‘When our two should stand up erect and strong, Face to face silent, drawing nigh and nigher…’. This excerpt not only reinforces Barrett Browning’s earlier repudiation of spoken word as a means to express love, but implicitly reveals her attitude towards love as something that should be founded upon emotion. Thus, it is this subliminal idea, coupled with the motif of angelic and soulful imagery in the extract which conveys the influence of Romanticism in the works of Barrett Browning; a tool used as a catalyst for critiquing love during the Victorian era.
Conversely, Romanticism is also evident in Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby via the characterisation of its titular character, Jay Gatsby and his quest to win the heart of Daisy Buchanan with the sincerity of his love. All the while, Gatsby’s mission is undermined by the contextual forces of the ‘Roaring Twenties’, in which the ostentatious display of wealth and the flaunting of vice were the norm. The repeated positive depiction of Gatsby and his romanticised form of love coupled with the negative imagery associated with the shallow ‘love’ characteristic of the time, is indicative of the text’s opposition to the materialism of the time. This type of superficial love, even exhibited by characters like Daisy is clearly evident from very early in the text where she states ‘It makes me sad because I've never seen such--such beautiful shirts before…Daisy bent her head into the shirts and began to cry stormily.’ Daisy’s emotional reaction to such a material and trivial an item as a shirt, underscored by the words ‘…stormily…’ and ‘…sad…’ portrays her as a product of her times, in which affection was dispensed frivolously. This is sharply contrasts with Gatsby’s interpretation of love, aptly encapsulated in Chapter 6, where a romantic interaction between Gatsby and Daisy occurs:’Then he kissed her. At his lips’ touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete.’ The phrase’s repeated reference to a flower, a prominent piece of natural imagery with strong positive connotations compares love to a flower, implying that for love to grow, it must be nurtured like a flower; over time and with dedication. By emphasising the strength of this pure form of love, Fitzgerald therefore offers an implicit criticism of the worldly objects of love so common to the 1920s.
This idealised form of pure love further reveals the relationship between text and context and is evident though Barrett Browning’s depiction of the female archetype. Barrett Browning openly subverts the patriarchal values of her Victorian society by appropriating a forceful and masculine poetic voice in stark opposition to the the prevailing social consensus of the time in which women were marginalised. This is apparent in Sonnet XIII, where Barrett Browning flatly refuses Robert Browning’s request to verbalise her love saying ‘…commend my woman-love to thy belief, seeing that I stand unwon, however wooed…’ .This phrase serves to embody Barrett Browning’s rebuff to the patriarchal attitudes of the time by debunking the idea that love could only be pursued by the male. As a woman, Barrett Browning not only assumes the dominant role in the relationship by completely ignoring the request of a man, but openly cites her femininity or ‘…woman-love…’ as the chief reason for doing so. Ultimately, this characterises Barrett Browning as an individual whose attitude towards the strictures of her time is critical, whilst also characterising her as someone who believes that love is impervious to earthly barriers such as gender.
Whilst Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby offers the appearance of female emancipation, in reality women are in fact more even more constrained in their romantic affairs. Fitzgerald uses the novel-long conflict between Gatsby and Tom over who should be able to love Daisy as a means of illustrating just how subservient women are to men. This is particularly evident in Chapter 7 where Gatsby and Tom engage in an acrimonious verbal brawl with Tom exclaiming ‘She’s not leaving me!’. This passage not only encapsulates Tom’s domineering and possessive attitude towards women, emphasised by the way in which Tom is preempting what Daisy should do, but is also emblematic of the attitudes of the broader context. Embedded within the phrase is also an irony stemming from Tom’s hypocrisy acting as the staunchest defender of protecting an established marriage, purportedly the traditional catalyst for love, whilst engaging in numerous affairs himself. In this way, Fitzgerald portrays marriage as a failed and corrupted institution that no longer serves the purposes of love, thus offering an implicit criticism of the way love is conducted during this time.
In essence, while it is clear that each text acts as a critique of the love which typifies their respective contexts, it is only via both text’s emphasis on a pure love, one based on emotion and unencumbered by earthly constraints that the relationship between context and text is apparent.
‘True’ love when epitomised as the ultimate ideal has the potential to offer insight into the necessary relationship between text and context and ultimately, reveal the attitudes and values of a writer. This notion is explored in the poetic works of Elizabeth Barrett Browning in her Sonnets From the Portuguese and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1924 novel, The Great Gatsby. Despite fundamentally different historical and social influences, it is through examining each text as social commentaries within their respective contexts, that one can come to a more profound appreciation of the attitudes and values of each author and recognise their shared understanding of love.
The focus on an idealised form of love, illustrating the contextual influence of Romanticism can best be seen in Barrett Browning’s Sonnets From the Portuguese. This collection of poems narrates the spiritual journey of the textual persona from one that is initially reluctant to engage in any form of love, to one that openly extolls the virtues of a sincere type of love, a love rooted in emotion and unshackled by worldly constraints. This concept in Sonnet XIII, where Barrett Browning brazenly rebuffs Robert and his request for her to ‘…fashion into speech the love I bear thee…’, saying ‘Nay, let the silence of my womanhood commend my woman-love to thy belief… The defiant tone of Barrett Browning’s retort, especially emphasised by her forceful exclamation of the word ‘…nay…’ encapsulates her strong opposition to the superficial nature of love during the Victorian Era by surreptitiously repudiating the notion that love needed to be expressed through words. Barrett Browning further derides this idea in the phrase ‘…silence of her womanhood…’ , which illustrates her indignation at the very idea that spoken word was an adequate enough tool for expressing love, instead implying that it is only through emotion that love is best conveyed. This form of sincere love which Barrett Browning advances is best demonstrated through her introduction to Sonnet XXII ‘When our two should stand up erect and strong, Face to face silent, drawing nigh and nigher…’. This excerpt not only reinforces Barrett Browning’s earlier repudiation of spoken word as a means to express love, but implicitly reveals her attitude towards love as something that should be founded upon emotion. Thus, it is this subliminal idea, coupled with the motif of angelic and soulful imagery in the extract which conveys the influence of Romanticism in the works of Barrett Browning; a tool used as a catalyst for critiquing love during the Victorian era.
Conversely, Romanticism is also evident in Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby via the characterisation of its titular character, Jay Gatsby and his quest to win the heart of Daisy Buchanan with the sincerity of his love. All the while, Gatsby’s mission is undermined by the contextual forces of the ‘Roaring Twenties’, in which the ostentatious display of wealth and the flaunting of vice were the norm. The repeated positive depiction of Gatsby and his romanticised form of love coupled with the negative imagery associated with the shallow ‘love’ characteristic of the time, is indicative of the text’s opposition to the materialism of the time. This type of superficial love, even exhibited by characters like Daisy is clearly evident from very early in the text where she states ‘It makes me sad because I've never seen such--such beautiful shirts before…Daisy bent her head into the shirts and began to cry stormily.’ Daisy’s emotional reaction to such a material and trivial an item as a shirt, underscored by the words ‘…stormily…’ and ‘…sad…’ portrays her as a product of her times, in which affection was dispensed frivolously. This is sharply contrasts with Gatsby’s interpretation of love, aptly encapsulated in Chapter 6, where a romantic interaction between Gatsby and Daisy occurs:’Then he kissed her. At his lips’ touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete.’ The phrase’s repeated reference to a flower, a prominent piece of natural imagery with strong positive connotations compares love to a flower, implying that for love to grow, it must be nurtured like a flower; over time and with dedication. By emphasising the strength of this pure form of love, Fitzgerald therefore offers an implicit criticism of the worldly objects of love so common to the 1920s.
This idealised form of pure love further reveals the relationship between text and context and is evident though Barrett Browning’s depiction of the female archetype. Barrett Browning openly subverts the patriarchal values of her Victorian society by appropriating a forceful and masculine poetic voice in stark opposition to the the prevailing social consensus of the time in which women were marginalised. This is apparent in Sonnet XIII, where Barrett Browning flatly refuses Robert Browning’s request to verbalise her love saying ‘…commend my woman-love to thy belief, seeing that I stand unwon, however wooed…’ .This phrase serves to embody Barrett Browning’s rebuff to the patriarchal attitudes of the time by debunking the idea that love could only be pursued by the male. As a woman, Barrett Browning not only assumes the dominant role in the relationship by completely ignoring the request of a man, but openly cites her femininity or ‘…woman-love…’ as the chief reason for doing so. Ultimately, this characterises Barrett Browning as an individual whose attitude towards the strictures of her time is critical, whilst also characterising her as someone who believes that love is impervious to earthly barriers such as gender.
Whilst Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby offers the appearance of female emancipation, in reality women are in fact more even more constrained in their romantic affairs. Fitzgerald uses the novel-long conflict between Gatsby and Tom over who should be able to love Daisy as a means of illustrating just how subservient women are to men. This is particularly evident in Chapter 7 where Gatsby and Tom engage in an acrimonious verbal brawl with Tom exclaiming ‘She’s not leaving me!’. This passage not only encapsulates Tom’s domineering and possessive attitude towards women, emphasised by the way in which Tom is preempting what Daisy should do, but is also emblematic of the attitudes of the broader context. Embedded within the phrase is also an irony stemming from Tom’s hypocrisy acting as the staunchest defender of protecting an established marriage, purportedly the traditional catalyst for love, whilst engaging in numerous affairs himself. In this way, Fitzgerald portrays marriage as a failed and corrupted institution that no longer serves the purposes of love, thus offering an implicit criticism of the way love is conducted during this time.
In essence, while it is clear that each text acts as a critique of the love which typifies their respective contexts, it is only via both text’s emphasis on a pure love, one based on emotion and unencumbered by earthly constraints that the relationship between context and text is apparent.
Essay with feedback in my bold font:
Spoiler
‘The focus on the ideal in The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poetry reveals the relationship between text and context’
‘True’ love when epitomised as the ultimate ideal has the potential to offer insight into the necessary relationship between text and context and ultimately, reveal the attitudes and values of a writer. Tick! Tick! Tick! Gold star for you. This notion is explored in the poetic works of Elizabeth Barrett Browning in her Sonnets From the Portuguese and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1924 novel, The Great Gatsby. Despite fundamentally different historical and social influences, it is through examining each text as social commentaries within their respective contexts, that one can come to a more profound appreciation of the attitudes and values of each author and recognise their shared understanding of love. No qualms here. Except, I would revisit "the ideal" again in this last sentence, just to seal the deal. It isn't an enormous deal. It's a stylistic feature that I would implement, but it may not suit your writing style. Take advice as you wish, no pressure to take it all!
The focus on an idealised form of love, illustrating the contextual influence of Romanticism can best be seen in Barrett Browning’s Sonnets From the Portuguese. This collection of poems narrates the spiritual journey of the textual persona from one that is initially reluctant to engage in any form of love, to one that openly extolls the virtues of a sincere type of love, a love rooted in emotion and unshackled by worldly constraints. This concept in Sonnet XIII, where Barrett Browning brazenly rebuffs Robert and his request for her to ‘…fashion into speech the love I bear thee…’, saying ‘Nay, let the silence of my womanhood commend my woman-love to thy belief… The defiant tone of Barrett Browning’s retort, especially emphasised by her forceful exclamation of the word ‘…nay…’ encapsulates her strong opposition to the superficial nature of love during the Victorian Era by surreptitiously repudiating the notion that love needed to be expressed through words. Barrett Browning further derides this idea in the phrase ‘…silence of her womanhood…’ , which illustrates her indignation at the very idea that spoken word was an adequate enough tool for expressing love, instead implying that it is only through emotion that love is best conveyed. This form of sincere love which Barrett Browning advances is best demonstrated through her introduction to Sonnet XXII ‘When our two should stand up erect and strong, Face to face silent, drawing nigh and nigher…’. This excerpt not only reinforces Barrett Browning’s earlier repudiation of spoken word as a means to express love, but implicitly reveals her attitude towards love as something that should be founded upon emotion. Thus, it is this subliminal idea, coupled with the motif of angelic and soulful imagery in the extract which conveys the influence of Romanticism in the works of Barrett Browning; a tool used as a catalyst for critiquing love during the Victorian era.The essay questions requests that you talk about the ideal. I know you do this by talking about love. But, I think you should explicitly use the words "the ideal" or a variation of it throughout the paragraph in more places than just the opening. This is just showing the marker that you see the challenge they presented, and you're willing to take it on by fusing what they ask of you and your own understanding of the texts together.
Conversely, Romanticism is also evident in Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby via the characterisation of its titular character, Jay Gatsby and his quest to win the heart of Daisy Buchanan with the sincerity of his love. You've won my literary heart. I love when people use "titular" in an essay. It is so underused!All the while, Gatsby’s mission is undermined by the contextual forces of the ‘Roaring Twenties’, in which the ostentatious display of wealth and the flaunting of vice were the norm. You deal with the text really well without at all being verbose or out of proportion.The repeated positive depiction of Gatsby and his romanticised form of love coupled with the negative imagery associated with the shallow ‘love’ characteristic of the time, is indicative of the text’s opposition to the materialism of the time. This type of superficial love, even exhibited by characters like Daisy is clearly evident from very early in the text where she states ‘It makes me sad because I've never seen such--such beautiful shirts before…Daisy bent her head into the shirts and began to cry stormily.’ Daisy’s emotional reaction to such a material and trivial an item as a shirt, underscored by the words ‘…stormily…’ and ‘…sad…’ portrays her as a product of her times, in which affection was dispensed frivolously. This is sharply contrasts with Gatsby’s interpretation of love, aptly encapsulated in Chapter 6, where a romantic interaction between Gatsby and Daisy occurs:’Then he kissed her. At his lips’ touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete.’ The phrase’s repeated reference to a flower, a prominent piece of natural imagery with strong positive connotations compares love to a flower, implying that for love to grow, it must be nurtured like a flower; over time and with dedication. By emphasising the strength of this pure form of love, Fitzgerald therefore offers an implicit criticism of the worldly objects of love so common to the 1920s.
This idealised form of pure love further reveals the relationship between text and context and is evident though Barrett Browning’s depiction of the female archetype. Barrett Browning openly subverts the patriarchal values of her Victorian society by appropriating a forceful and masculine poetic voice in stark opposition to the the prevailing social consensus of the time in which women were marginalised. This is apparent in Sonnet XIII, where Barrett Browning flatly refuses Robert Browning’s request to verbalise her love saying ‘…commend my woman-love to thy belief, seeing that I stand unwon, however wooed…’ .This phrase serves to embody Barrett Browning’s rebuff to the patriarchal attitudes of the time by debunking the idea that love could only be pursued by the male. As a woman, Barrett Browning not only assumes the dominant role in the relationship by completely ignoring the request of a man, but openly cites her femininity or ‘…woman-love…’ as the chief reason for doing so. Ultimately, this characterises Barrett Browning as an individual whose attitude towards the strictures of her time is critical, whilst also characterising her as someone who believes that love is impervious to earthly barriers such as gender. Again, you have mastered the balance of context and analysis. Your analysis is complicated but written so simply. It's very impressive.
Whilst Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby offers the appearance of female emancipation, in reality women are in factmore even more constrained in their romantic affairs. Fitzgerald uses the novel-long conflict between Gatsby and Tom over who should be able to love Daisy as a means of illustrating just how subservient women are to men. This is particularly evident in Chapter 7 where Gatsby and Tom engage in an acrimonious verbal brawl with Tom exclaiming ‘She’s not leaving me!’. This passage not only encapsulates Tom’s domineering and possessive attitude towards women, emphasised by the way in which Tom is preempting what Daisy should do, but is also emblematic of the attitudes of the broader context. Embedded within the phrase is also an irony stemming from Tom’s hypocrisy acting as the staunchest defender of protecting an established marriage, purportedly the traditional catalyst for love, whilst engaging in numerous affairs himself. In this way, Fitzgerald portrays marriage as a failed and corrupted institution that no longer serves the purposes of love, thus offering an implicit criticism of the way love is conducted during this time.
In essence, while it is clear that each text acts as a critique of the love which typifies their respective contexts, it is only via both text’s emphasis on a pure love, one based on emotion and unencumbered by earthly constraints that the relationship between context and text is apparent. This is a very short conclusion. it is literally one sentence. I always aim for 4. 3 sentences is usually easy to hit, but 4 just seals the deal. I would delete the "in essence" and simply go ahead with the rest of the sentence. Make sure you explicitly deal with THE IDEAL and then talk about it synonymously with love as the subject noun afterwards. If you please, you could deal with each text in a separate sentence and then in a third sentence, bring the two together in one last comparison to relate directly to the essay question. Your essay is band 6 worthy, definitely without a doubt...only once this conclusion is organised. The conclusion needs to leave the marker with a strong taste of your grasp of the topic and your writing ability. You can do this!
‘True’ love when epitomised as the ultimate ideal has the potential to offer insight into the necessary relationship between text and context and ultimately, reveal the attitudes and values of a writer. Tick! Tick! Tick! Gold star for you. This notion is explored in the poetic works of Elizabeth Barrett Browning in her Sonnets From the Portuguese and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1924 novel, The Great Gatsby. Despite fundamentally different historical and social influences, it is through examining each text as social commentaries within their respective contexts, that one can come to a more profound appreciation of the attitudes and values of each author and recognise their shared understanding of love. No qualms here. Except, I would revisit "the ideal" again in this last sentence, just to seal the deal. It isn't an enormous deal. It's a stylistic feature that I would implement, but it may not suit your writing style. Take advice as you wish, no pressure to take it all!
The focus on an idealised form of love, illustrating the contextual influence of Romanticism can best be seen in Barrett Browning’s Sonnets From the Portuguese. This collection of poems narrates the spiritual journey of the textual persona from one that is initially reluctant to engage in any form of love, to one that openly extolls the virtues of a sincere type of love, a love rooted in emotion and unshackled by worldly constraints. This concept in Sonnet XIII, where Barrett Browning brazenly rebuffs Robert and his request for her to ‘…fashion into speech the love I bear thee…’, saying ‘Nay, let the silence of my womanhood commend my woman-love to thy belief… The defiant tone of Barrett Browning’s retort, especially emphasised by her forceful exclamation of the word ‘…nay…’ encapsulates her strong opposition to the superficial nature of love during the Victorian Era by surreptitiously repudiating the notion that love needed to be expressed through words. Barrett Browning further derides this idea in the phrase ‘…silence of her womanhood…’ , which illustrates her indignation at the very idea that spoken word was an adequate enough tool for expressing love, instead implying that it is only through emotion that love is best conveyed. This form of sincere love which Barrett Browning advances is best demonstrated through her introduction to Sonnet XXII ‘When our two should stand up erect and strong, Face to face silent, drawing nigh and nigher…’. This excerpt not only reinforces Barrett Browning’s earlier repudiation of spoken word as a means to express love, but implicitly reveals her attitude towards love as something that should be founded upon emotion. Thus, it is this subliminal idea, coupled with the motif of angelic and soulful imagery in the extract which conveys the influence of Romanticism in the works of Barrett Browning; a tool used as a catalyst for critiquing love during the Victorian era.The essay questions requests that you talk about the ideal. I know you do this by talking about love. But, I think you should explicitly use the words "the ideal" or a variation of it throughout the paragraph in more places than just the opening. This is just showing the marker that you see the challenge they presented, and you're willing to take it on by fusing what they ask of you and your own understanding of the texts together.
Conversely, Romanticism is also evident in Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby via the characterisation of its titular character, Jay Gatsby and his quest to win the heart of Daisy Buchanan with the sincerity of his love. You've won my literary heart. I love when people use "titular" in an essay. It is so underused!All the while, Gatsby’s mission is undermined by the contextual forces of the ‘Roaring Twenties’, in which the ostentatious display of wealth and the flaunting of vice were the norm. You deal with the text really well without at all being verbose or out of proportion.The repeated positive depiction of Gatsby and his romanticised form of love coupled with the negative imagery associated with the shallow ‘love’ characteristic of the time, is indicative of the text’s opposition to the materialism of the time. This type of superficial love, even exhibited by characters like Daisy is clearly evident from very early in the text where she states ‘It makes me sad because I've never seen such--such beautiful shirts before…Daisy bent her head into the shirts and began to cry stormily.’ Daisy’s emotional reaction to such a material and trivial an item as a shirt, underscored by the words ‘…stormily…’ and ‘…sad…’ portrays her as a product of her times, in which affection was dispensed frivolously. This is sharply contrasts with Gatsby’s interpretation of love, aptly encapsulated in Chapter 6, where a romantic interaction between Gatsby and Daisy occurs:’Then he kissed her. At his lips’ touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete.’ The phrase’s repeated reference to a flower, a prominent piece of natural imagery with strong positive connotations compares love to a flower, implying that for love to grow, it must be nurtured like a flower; over time and with dedication. By emphasising the strength of this pure form of love, Fitzgerald therefore offers an implicit criticism of the worldly objects of love so common to the 1920s.
This idealised form of pure love further reveals the relationship between text and context and is evident though Barrett Browning’s depiction of the female archetype. Barrett Browning openly subverts the patriarchal values of her Victorian society by appropriating a forceful and masculine poetic voice in stark opposition to the the prevailing social consensus of the time in which women were marginalised. This is apparent in Sonnet XIII, where Barrett Browning flatly refuses Robert Browning’s request to verbalise her love saying ‘…commend my woman-love to thy belief, seeing that I stand unwon, however wooed…’ .This phrase serves to embody Barrett Browning’s rebuff to the patriarchal attitudes of the time by debunking the idea that love could only be pursued by the male. As a woman, Barrett Browning not only assumes the dominant role in the relationship by completely ignoring the request of a man, but openly cites her femininity or ‘…woman-love…’ as the chief reason for doing so. Ultimately, this characterises Barrett Browning as an individual whose attitude towards the strictures of her time is critical, whilst also characterising her as someone who believes that love is impervious to earthly barriers such as gender. Again, you have mastered the balance of context and analysis. Your analysis is complicated but written so simply. It's very impressive.
Whilst Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby offers the appearance of female emancipation, in reality women are in fact
In essence, while it is clear that each text acts as a critique of the love which typifies their respective contexts, it is only via both text’s emphasis on a pure love, one based on emotion and unencumbered by earthly constraints that the relationship between context and text is apparent. This is a very short conclusion. it is literally one sentence. I always aim for 4. 3 sentences is usually easy to hit, but 4 just seals the deal. I would delete the "in essence" and simply go ahead with the rest of the sentence. Make sure you explicitly deal with THE IDEAL and then talk about it synonymously with love as the subject noun afterwards. If you please, you could deal with each text in a separate sentence and then in a third sentence, bring the two together in one last comparison to relate directly to the essay question. Your essay is band 6 worthy, definitely without a doubt...only once this conclusion is organised. The conclusion needs to leave the marker with a strong taste of your grasp of the topic and your writing ability. You can do this!
You'll find specific comments attached inside. This is a very impressive essay. It was really a pleasure to read. This essay is worthy of a band 6 in my own opinion. However, it would only achieve that when the conclusion is fleshed out a little more.
You should be very proud. Do feel free to post back any time with anything else, or this essay again with changes made!
Post by: Son of Thatcher on March 29, 2016, 04:00:26 am
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 29, 2016, 08:51:20 am
Thank you so much, I am really glad to hear you liked it! I am literally so appreciative of the value of this service, your feedback is truly superb! :)
Seriously glad to hear this!
Post by: gstaah on April 04, 2016, 11:24:45 pm
Thanks :D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 05, 2016, 12:47:53 pm
Hey, so after getting a 15/20 for my Module C . I decided to rewrite my whole essay after completely screwing it up. I would like to be able to get some feedback, (depending on if you still have the time to do this) on where I can improve this essay in order to not get that mark again come trials :c.
Thanks :D
Hey gstaah! Whoa, first of all, that mark is awesome!! Don't be disappointed with it! Seriously, 15/20 is a strong essay, that needs some additional work and love and care to turn it into an 18-20/20. No need to completely dismiss it, try building on it!! The core of it was bound to have been awesome based on that result ;D
That said, of course I'm happy to provide some feedback!! I'll mark it generally on quality, since there is no specific question involved.
Spoiler
Politics is influenced by the intrinsic nature of society’s constructed artifices; and is sustained by conflicting differences within people and the perpetuation of their co-efficient power struggles. Ironically, the instigation of a society is subject to the individual political ideals constructed by these adversaries despite society itself consisting of a conglomerate of wide-ranging political ideals. As such in “Brave New World”, Aldous Huxley’s textual illustration of society induced in complacency emanates from his idiosyncratic perspectives on the increasing governance of society through these artifices. This is supported by later novelist E.A Blair, who asserts “In a time of universal deceit – telling the truth is a revolutionary act”. This idea, reinforced through Kurosawa’s filmic exploration of medieval class systems in “Ran”, is criticized by the disparagement of those in power and evidently, a consequence of the stylistic articulation of the composer’s ideals.Whoa! You have a seriously impressive vocabulary on display here. However, I think the clarity of your ideas is ever so slightly lost in the verbosity of your introduction. Or perhaps it is just how you have approached the paragraph. Essentially, an introduction should clearly detail what each of your subsequent paragraphs will be about, and I don't get that here. Further, this is a representation and text essay, and I don't representation part isn't overly stressed in the introduction either. I think your Thesis, however, is brilliant!
The subtle manipulation through delegated artifices within society, allows Huxley to impassion the audience through his idealised societal class systems. The novel has a perspectivistic structure, allowing the composer to engender a dystopian atmosphere throughout and both sustain and highlight the differences between each class. The delegation of human characteristics “I’m awfully glad I’m a beta. We are much better than Delta’s” anthropomorphises spectrometric waves, a technique used to allude to growing segregation of Jews in Germany; a dichotomy of society which perpetuates a system of imbalanced Autopoiesis. This provides Huxley a means to articulate the differences, “Gammas are stupid”, created within society through symbolic artifices. What does this communicate to the AUDIENCE about the ideas you are discussing? The emblematic anaphora, “the warm, the richly coloured, the infinitely friendly soma-holiday” and assonating dialogue of “a gramme is better than a damn” contextualises Huxley’s perspectives on growing consumerism in the early 1930’s, yet ironically, despite being satirical prose fiction, is only further relevant today - a society enveloped in complacency due to technological artifices. The composer utilises anadiplosis, ‘you ought to be a little more promiscuous – promiscuous but not with the, others?’ to highlight the high suggestive tonality of specific rhetoric’s; and encourage coition within separate classes allowing the government to control levels of populations. Such stratagems are recurrent in the novel, as “No family, monogamy, or romance” juxtapose Huxley’s stance on marriage, yet highlight the effectiveness of political manipulation within society through artifices. This paragraph does almost everything perfectly. Techniques: Brilliant. Explanations Huxley's Personal Context and Effect on Representation: Brilliant. What I am missing is the impact on audiences, both contextual and contemporary, you allude to this but you need to really hammer it home. What is Huxley representing in his texts and, more importantly, is this effective/ineffective in terms of how we as an audience perceive it? Again, you are so close, but I think you need to hammer it home a little more.
Similar situations arise in Kurosawa’s filmic portrayal of Ran; however, they are not limited by the perpetuation of power struggles and thereby accurately represent the magnitude of the Motonari War period. And yet, in tandem with Huxley, Kurosawa employs sarcastic dialogue and aggressive rhetoric’s such as “In what kind of world do we live in, of children schooled in violence and power seeking” to represent the irony of duplicity within society originally built on Nobel foundations; an eventual situation of recurrent power struggles. The high modal anastrophe “Saburo don’t, of nonsense speak” with close up shots of Saburo’s expressions is a metaphoric insular for Kurosawa’s values within the film. Such characterisation is only further juxtaposed by the dialogue “When flesh is rotten…even our own…cut it away!” a metaphor, accompanied by repeated caesura and thin string textural tempo for the consequences of infidelity; symbolic for the fall of the political Sengoku period -a time of deceptive and conflicting governance. Despite this, Kurosawa’s subtler translations are often overlooked; his use of contrasting colours “Green, his eyes shined, fighting back”, and “Waves of red, they flooded” during far angled shots articulate synesthesia within the audience; with the toning of green and red representing the conflict between two powers – symbolic of greed and violence respectively. In essence, the exploration of ironic perfidy throughout Ran allows Kurosawa to express his humanistic ideals, in just contrast to the artifices used to attain said power. This paragraph, similarly, has extremely powerful explanations of what Kurosawa is doing and how he does it. But I'm missing WHY, I need a central idea that he is trying to push (which you have, but I think including an introductory sentence that sets it up is more effective), and what impact this representation has on the AUDIENCE.
Through the portrayal of foreign perspectives, Huxley asserts the effectiveness of despotic governments, thereby aggrandising his own representations of political divarications. This is closer to what I would like to see earlier, a topic sentence which sets up the concept that Huxley is pushing. The structure of the novel is intermittently disrupted through the contrast between dystopian “the flower of the present rosily blossomed”, and savage society “it's all different here. It's like living with lunatics” which allows the audience to identify the contrasts between these people. Essentially this didactic symbolism for the fate of the archetypal dissident, John – an individual with differing political ideals, is only further exacerbated by his erroneous appellation of ‘The Savage’; and designed to invoke pathos “Just under the crown of the arch dangled a pair of feet”, a metaphor representing Huxley’s view on the eventual death of truth within politics. Verbosity and sentence length is a tool to communicate ideas, but it can work against you. This sentence, for example, is too long and "exhausts" the reader. Clarity does not come from excessive detail, clarity comes from clever word choice and length suited to the idea being communicated. The juxtaposing idiolect “We prefer to do things comfortably” and “All right then," I'm claiming the right to be unhappy” between Mustapha and John, consolidates Huxley’s representation of political compliance through the rejection of contrasting ideals. And yet, the recurrent contrasts of hypnopaedic slogans are an ironic antithesis towards the established artifices; allowing Huxley to establish cognate parallels by intertextually linking The Tempest “Ariel could put a girdle around the earth in fourty minutes” through John and the World Controllers. In essence, “they are bokanovskified” is an emblematic expression of Huxley’s vision; a society induced in mass political complacency due to the constructed artifices of the people in power. This paragraph has a better flow to the ideas than the previous two, but again, what impact has this had on audience understanding?
Ran however, presents a historical approach to the fervent disparagement of politics contrasting the form of digital media, film, it’s conveyed through. As such, Kurosawa’s characterization of Kyoami “entertain us, like you would a frog” is a verisimilitudic simile depicted by low contrast clothing; one of kurosawa’s stylistic efforts in highlighting differences within characters. The composer’s prominence as an experienced political film maker enables him to create dramatic irony as “Master. Take your men to the Azusa Plain!” refers to the jester’s power over his master; easily distinguishable by the audience due to the character’s high modal language which further explores the composer’s emphasized disparagement of classes within society. The established hierarchical order; an artifice for control in the quote “These peasants. They are fools used as our Tools” is accentuated by diegetic cacophony during wide pans of villages and contrasted by smooth camera transitions to the higher ranking classes. This enables Kurosawa to create aposiopesis, “The people are in anarchy and climbing the— “, a symbol for society, malleable in political ideals and thereby brittle in nature and essentially, a stark contrast to Huxley’s represented situation. Yet, the dialogue “Control them, and unbounded problems rise. A new tool needed for each” is an oxymoronic statement, which provides didactic values similar to Brave New World; that social artifices create power struggles because of political differences. My comments for this paragraph are similar to earlier.
While the nature of politics is clear, it’s complexity lies in the inherency of artifices within society. Both Aldous Huxley and Kurosawa are able to convey their interpretations; whether factual or not, and shape the audience’s understanding of disparate perspectives in response to events, personalities and situations. But have you shown us how the audience's view is affected by the representation? Through deliberate selection of prose and filmic techniques, both composers are therefore able to explore political ideologies created within differing individuals.
The subtle manipulation through delegated artifices within society, allows Huxley to impassion the audience through his idealised societal class systems. The novel has a perspectivistic structure, allowing the composer to engender a dystopian atmosphere throughout and both sustain and highlight the differences between each class. The delegation of human characteristics “I’m awfully glad I’m a beta. We are much better than Delta’s” anthropomorphises spectrometric waves, a technique used to allude to growing segregation of Jews in Germany; a dichotomy of society which perpetuates a system of imbalanced Autopoiesis. This provides Huxley a means to articulate the differences, “Gammas are stupid”, created within society through symbolic artifices. What does this communicate to the AUDIENCE about the ideas you are discussing? The emblematic anaphora, “the warm, the richly coloured, the infinitely friendly soma-holiday” and assonating dialogue of “a gramme is better than a damn” contextualises Huxley’s perspectives on growing consumerism in the early 1930’s, yet ironically, despite being satirical prose fiction, is only further relevant today - a society enveloped in complacency due to technological artifices. The composer utilises anadiplosis, ‘you ought to be a little more promiscuous – promiscuous but not with the, others?’ to highlight the high suggestive tonality of specific rhetoric’s; and encourage coition within separate classes allowing the government to control levels of populations. Such stratagems are recurrent in the novel, as “No family, monogamy, or romance” juxtapose Huxley’s stance on marriage, yet highlight the effectiveness of political manipulation within society through artifices. This paragraph does almost everything perfectly. Techniques: Brilliant. Explanations Huxley's Personal Context and Effect on Representation: Brilliant. What I am missing is the impact on audiences, both contextual and contemporary, you allude to this but you need to really hammer it home. What is Huxley representing in his texts and, more importantly, is this effective/ineffective in terms of how we as an audience perceive it? Again, you are so close, but I think you need to hammer it home a little more.
Similar situations arise in Kurosawa’s filmic portrayal of Ran; however, they are not limited by the perpetuation of power struggles and thereby accurately represent the magnitude of the Motonari War period. And yet, in tandem with Huxley, Kurosawa employs sarcastic dialogue and aggressive rhetoric’s such as “In what kind of world do we live in, of children schooled in violence and power seeking” to represent the irony of duplicity within society originally built on Nobel foundations; an eventual situation of recurrent power struggles. The high modal anastrophe “Saburo don’t, of nonsense speak” with close up shots of Saburo’s expressions is a metaphoric insular for Kurosawa’s values within the film. Such characterisation is only further juxtaposed by the dialogue “When flesh is rotten…even our own…cut it away!” a metaphor, accompanied by repeated caesura and thin string textural tempo for the consequences of infidelity; symbolic for the fall of the political Sengoku period -a time of deceptive and conflicting governance. Despite this, Kurosawa’s subtler translations are often overlooked; his use of contrasting colours “Green, his eyes shined, fighting back”, and “Waves of red, they flooded” during far angled shots articulate synesthesia within the audience; with the toning of green and red representing the conflict between two powers – symbolic of greed and violence respectively. In essence, the exploration of ironic perfidy throughout Ran allows Kurosawa to express his humanistic ideals, in just contrast to the artifices used to attain said power. This paragraph, similarly, has extremely powerful explanations of what Kurosawa is doing and how he does it. But I'm missing WHY, I need a central idea that he is trying to push (which you have, but I think including an introductory sentence that sets it up is more effective), and what impact this representation has on the AUDIENCE.
Through the portrayal of foreign perspectives, Huxley asserts the effectiveness of despotic governments, thereby aggrandising his own representations of political divarications. This is closer to what I would like to see earlier, a topic sentence which sets up the concept that Huxley is pushing. The structure of the novel is intermittently disrupted through the contrast between dystopian “the flower of the present rosily blossomed”, and savage society “it's all different here. It's like living with lunatics” which allows the audience to identify the contrasts between these people. Essentially this didactic symbolism for the fate of the archetypal dissident, John – an individual with differing political ideals, is only further exacerbated by his erroneous appellation of ‘The Savage’; and designed to invoke pathos “Just under the crown of the arch dangled a pair of feet”, a metaphor representing Huxley’s view on the eventual death of truth within politics. Verbosity and sentence length is a tool to communicate ideas, but it can work against you. This sentence, for example, is too long and "exhausts" the reader. Clarity does not come from excessive detail, clarity comes from clever word choice and length suited to the idea being communicated. The juxtaposing idiolect “We prefer to do things comfortably” and “All right then," I'm claiming the right to be unhappy” between Mustapha and John, consolidates Huxley’s representation of political compliance through the rejection of contrasting ideals. And yet, the recurrent contrasts of hypnopaedic slogans are an ironic antithesis towards the established artifices; allowing Huxley to establish cognate parallels by intertextually linking The Tempest “Ariel could put a girdle around the earth in fourty minutes” through John and the World Controllers. In essence, “they are bokanovskified” is an emblematic expression of Huxley’s vision; a society induced in mass political complacency due to the constructed artifices of the people in power. This paragraph has a better flow to the ideas than the previous two, but again, what impact has this had on audience understanding?
Ran however, presents a historical approach to the fervent disparagement of politics contrasting the form of digital media, film, it’s conveyed through. As such, Kurosawa’s characterization of Kyoami “entertain us, like you would a frog” is a verisimilitudic simile depicted by low contrast clothing; one of kurosawa’s stylistic efforts in highlighting differences within characters. The composer’s prominence as an experienced political film maker enables him to create dramatic irony as “Master. Take your men to the Azusa Plain!” refers to the jester’s power over his master; easily distinguishable by the audience due to the character’s high modal language which further explores the composer’s emphasized disparagement of classes within society. The established hierarchical order; an artifice for control in the quote “These peasants. They are fools used as our Tools” is accentuated by diegetic cacophony during wide pans of villages and contrasted by smooth camera transitions to the higher ranking classes. This enables Kurosawa to create aposiopesis, “The people are in anarchy and climbing the— “, a symbol for society, malleable in political ideals and thereby brittle in nature and essentially, a stark contrast to Huxley’s represented situation. Yet, the dialogue “Control them, and unbounded problems rise. A new tool needed for each” is an oxymoronic statement, which provides didactic values similar to Brave New World; that social artifices create power struggles because of political differences. My comments for this paragraph are similar to earlier.
While the nature of politics is clear, it’s complexity lies in the inherency of artifices within society. Both Aldous Huxley and Kurosawa are able to convey their interpretations; whether factual or not, and shape the audience’s understanding of disparate perspectives in response to events, personalities and situations. But have you shown us how the audience's view is affected by the representation? Through deliberate selection of prose and filmic techniques, both composers are therefore able to explore political ideologies created within differing individuals.
I'll start by saying that your vocabulary and use of techniques is absolutely fantastic. Way better than my own when I did the HSC, no doubt about it. You show an impressive ability to link the technique and example with the idea being portrayed by the composer, and link to context effectively. There are two things I would suggest as improvements.
1 - Your conceptual base is a little bit unfocused. What I mean by that is, your Thesis is fantastic, but it isn't quite backed up in your body paragraphs. The idea is that each body paragraph explores a different aspect of your Thesis, with a topic sentence linking the new idea to the Thesis, and a concluding sentence reaffirming that link and saying something like, "Thus, I've further proven my main idea." Essentially (and very basically paraphrased), I take your Thesis to be that dysfunction and conflicting perspectives in governments promotes discussion and effective politics. You sort of back this up throughout your body, but it could be stronger. Be sure that each paragraph has a specific mini-idea that you are backing up to support your Thesis.
2- The missing components of your analysis is audience impact. This is a representation module, and what you are looking at there is how composers represent ideas for audiences. You have the representation part nailed, but I'm missing the audience. Be sure to make it clear how the work of the composers is framed to have a specific effect on the audience, this is the idea of representation, and you can even assess the effectiveness of this representation.
A final, totally subjective suggestion I'll make is trying an integrated response. This means each body paragraph will discuss both texts simultaneously, linking them through some central idea (EG - "the effectiveness of despotic governments"). This has numerous advantages, primarily that your response automatically becomes conceptually focused (a big plus for other modules and still advantageous when discussing representation), and it is much easier to make comparisons between the two. Your paragraphs become slightly longer as a result too, and you'd likely cut from 4 to 3. Integrated responses, in general, tend to be more effective than non-integrated responses. This doesn't mean that markers view them favourably, it just works out to be an easier and more effective way to structure ideas when you are talking about two texts in tandem. Something to consider, I can go into a bit more detail if you'd like?
All this said, this is a fabulous essay, do not scrap it! Just take these suggestions and the suggestions from your first response and use them to refine and improve this one ;D ;D I hope this is helpful for you :D
Post by: gstaah on April 05, 2016, 10:28:33 pm
I'll start by saying that your vocabulary and use of techniques is absolutely fantastic. Way better than my own when I did the HSC, no doubt about it. You show an impressive ability to link the technique and example with the idea being portrayed by the composer, and link to context effectively. There are two things I would suggest as improvements.
1 - Your conceptual base is a little bit unfocused. What I mean by that is, your Thesis is fantastic, but it isn't quite backed up in your body paragraphs. The idea is that each body paragraph explores a different aspect of your Thesis, with a topic sentence linking the new idea to the Thesis, and a concluding sentence reaffirming that link and saying something like, "Thus, I've further proven my main idea." Essentially (and very basically paraphrased), I take your Thesis to be that dysfunction and conflicting perspectives in governments promotes discussion and effective politics. You sort of back this up throughout your body, but it could be stronger. Be sure that each paragraph has a specific mini-idea that you are backing up to support your Thesis.
2- The missing components of your analysis is audience impact. This is a representation module, and what you are looking at there is how composers represent ideas for audiences. You have the representation part nailed, but I'm missing the audience. Be sure to make it clear how the work of the composers is framed to have a specific effect on the audience, this is the idea of representation, and you can even assess the effectiveness of this representation.
Hey, didn't expect such a quick response! Thank you for the feedback! I've incorporated your points 1&2 but decided to keep the paragraph structure as is it is what works for me, but overall thank you, I don't know why more people don't use this, such an invaluable help! :P
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 06, 2016, 12:38:21 am
Hey, didn't expect such a quick response! Thank you for the feedback! I've incorporated your points 1&2 but decided to keep the paragraph structure as is it is what works for me, but overall thank you, I don't know why more people don't use this, such an invaluable help! :P
Happy to help!! Yep, totally cool, it was just something to try if you were interested, your paragraph response works great as is ;D thanks for your kind words too! :D
Post by: atar27 on April 06, 2016, 03:14:11 pm
These are the ideas I want to talk about:
1. Didactic (Lesson to learn)
2. Satire (Writing against the morals of the time)
3. End Ironically (Both go against their own Idea)
This is the Essay Question:
Pride and Prejudice and Letters and Alice work as reflection of each other. How has your understanding of these reflections been enhanced by the comparative study of texts and contexts.
Any Help will be appreciated!
Thank You! You guys are great!!
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 06, 2016, 03:55:00 pm
Hey! I have an Essay Question for English for Module A and I am not sure how to go about it..
These are the ideas I want to talk about:
1. Didactic (Lesson to learn)
2. Satire (Writing against the morals of the time)
3. End Ironically (Both go against their own Idea)
This is the Essay Question:
Pride and Prejudice and Letters and Alice work as reflection of each other. How has your understanding of these reflections been enhanced by the comparative study of texts and contexts.
Any Help will be appreciated!
Thank You! You guys are great!!
Hey there! I hadn't studied these texts but I've tried to become more familiar with them this year because so many students seem to study these two for Mod A! I'm not entirely sure if I'm answering this well because it's a broad question, but I'll give it a shot! To me, the quest of love is the most outstanding theme in the texts, its really interesting that you haven't taken this road, although they may potentially appear in your chosen arguments.
So you can totally choose to talk about the ideas mentioned above. My suggestion is that you make a mind map/graph kind of thing where you compare the texts side by side for each of the notions you want to flesh out. Make sure you include textual references here as well as generalised places of the plot in order to make this really effective. You should find some serious side by side comparisons that are heavily influenced by context in terms of their differences, but similar in their core ideas. Once you do this, then you should be able to get a good idea of the links between them, and go from there!
Does this help? :)
Post by: atar27 on April 12, 2016, 08:36:49 pm
THANK YOU
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 13, 2016, 01:14:30 pm
Thank you! :) it kinda helps... i am just really confused on how to write this essay. And marriage is definitely one of the themes that I will be writing about in my essay.
THANK YOU
When you write it up, definitely post it onto the marking forums and we will have a look at how you pull it together! Good luck :)
Post by: brontem on April 13, 2016, 05:23:35 pm
From what I've seen, not many people (or any??) have done these texts, so hopefully I've made sense in it haha :) It's a bit of a weird structure but that's how I've been told to write it, some parts might be a bit 'awkward' ? if that makes sense :)
Any help is appreciated - thank you!!
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 15, 2016, 08:28:11 am
Hey! Here's my module A essay - and I'd love for you to take a look for me & let me know what you think!
From what I've seen, not many people (or any??) have done these texts, so hopefully I've made sense in it haha :) It's a bit of a weird structure but that's how I've been told to write it, some parts might be a bit 'awkward' ? if that makes sense :)
Any help is appreciated - thank you!!
hey there!
First thing: You've got a good length here. About 1000 words is a good place to be at this stage, so awesome job!
I'll put your original essay in a spoiler here without any of my own comments:
Spoiler
How does the treatment of similar content in your study of texts heighten your understanding of the values, significance and context of each?
Societal values and contextual influences can either support or obstruct a leader’s endeavour to seize, gain and maintain power. The political ideologies within the process of the gaining and maintenance of power are explored in both Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare examine naïve political idealism juxtaposed to the darker side of human nature – that is, the need to gain power through deceit, manipulation and brutality. The essential difference in the texts, whilst exploring similar ideals, is how the values of each writer’s context are responded to. Machiavelli subverts the religious and political views of Renaissance Florence, completely rejecting the significance of morality in principle. Where Machiavelli undermines such political morality, Shakespeare endorses it; advocating for the moral values in the political realm of Elizabethan England. The similar ideal of gaining power is demonstrated through radically opposing values advocated by Shakespeare and Machiavelli.
Renaissance political ideologies revolved around a hegemony of moral virtues, where the concept that rulers should be morally noble reigned heavily in political and social decisions. This moral dogma, which was heavily embedded in society, was radically dismissed by Machiavelli, Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; however brutal or morally abhorrent the means, to bring power.
Machiavelli endorses the notion of using pragmatic strategies to assist in the quest to seize and maintain power. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence, and places increased value on brutal approaches to power. Machiavelli endorses delving into the dark side of human nature to conduct important power manoeuvres – the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism when requesting power. Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and hound analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies his total dismissal of morality and the value placed on using brutality to gain power.
In contrast to Machiavelli’s brutality and rejection of morality and ethics, Shakespeare endorses the Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order that held the monarch’s role inviolate. Shakespeare advocates the use of morality and the preservation of a harmonic society during the quest for power. The unethical and corrupt actions in Julius Caesar are met with divine and human retribution, ultimately restoring order over chaos, law over anarchy.
A potential leader’s ability to seize power is strongly linked to their adaptation to upheld societal values. Antony in Julius Caesar subverts the values of society, being pragmatic, cold and ruthless when it is needed - elements of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Antony’s ruthlessness highlighted by his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his highly perceptive nature, where he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. This is reminiscent of Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. Antony's brutality is exemplified in the execution of his nephew and 100 senators, a principle which Machiavelli held to much value; to "eliminate them or destroy them utterly" and justifying any destruction to gain power. Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective whilst fulfilling his own political agenda, continuing to use the masses malleability to sway their opinion. Antony’s funeral oratory is his ultimate conquer in his pursuit for power; the repetition of “honourable men” when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines and disproves their legitimacy. Antony’s tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” allow for subliminal suggestion to the masses and cons them into believing Antony’s perspective. Antony gains control of the crowd, their manipulation emphasised in their monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” supporting Machiavelli’s belief the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning himself within the crowd to allow the crowd to mould to Antony’s personal bias. Antony is the ideal leader in the Machiavellian perspective, as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Antony’s perceptive nature and deceptive, cunning abilities make him the ultimate leader as he can willingly ignore the morality of society in his conquest for power.
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. Shakespeare, through Brutus, endorses the Elizabethan value of the divinity of the monarch, placing importance of acting morally. Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality – his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” blinds him from the realities of the brutality of power. It is in this sense that Brutus is Machiavelli’s textbook political failure, a Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live, the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure that Antony would not disrupt Brutus’ quest for power. Brutus, however, is the sound ideal of how a leader should act in respect to the Elizabethan context. Shakespeare validates the political status quo of Elizabethan England – through the disruption of nature as a consequence of political disruption paralleled to a disruption in the heavily overbearing belief of the Natural Order. Shakespeare’s endorsement of the Elizabethan values positions Brutus as an inadequate leader; by irresponsibly letting Antony conduct his funeral speech, Brutus exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. Morality is used by Shakespeare as a form of endorsing the values of Elizabethan England; in contrast to Machiavellian principles which totally subvert morality.
The values held by society can influence how a leader can accomplish the acquisition and preservation of authority. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Shakespeare and Machiavelli deal with the importance of technicalities during the seize of power, how successful each leader is, is dependent on how they respond to the status quo of their context.
Societal values and contextual influences can either support or obstruct a leader’s endeavour to seize, gain and maintain power. The political ideologies within the process of the gaining and maintenance of power are explored in both Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare examine naïve political idealism juxtaposed to the darker side of human nature – that is, the need to gain power through deceit, manipulation and brutality. The essential difference in the texts, whilst exploring similar ideals, is how the values of each writer’s context are responded to. Machiavelli subverts the religious and political views of Renaissance Florence, completely rejecting the significance of morality in principle. Where Machiavelli undermines such political morality, Shakespeare endorses it; advocating for the moral values in the political realm of Elizabethan England. The similar ideal of gaining power is demonstrated through radically opposing values advocated by Shakespeare and Machiavelli.
Renaissance political ideologies revolved around a hegemony of moral virtues, where the concept that rulers should be morally noble reigned heavily in political and social decisions. This moral dogma, which was heavily embedded in society, was radically dismissed by Machiavelli, Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; however brutal or morally abhorrent the means, to bring power.
Machiavelli endorses the notion of using pragmatic strategies to assist in the quest to seize and maintain power. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence, and places increased value on brutal approaches to power. Machiavelli endorses delving into the dark side of human nature to conduct important power manoeuvres – the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism when requesting power. Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and hound analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies his total dismissal of morality and the value placed on using brutality to gain power.
In contrast to Machiavelli’s brutality and rejection of morality and ethics, Shakespeare endorses the Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order that held the monarch’s role inviolate. Shakespeare advocates the use of morality and the preservation of a harmonic society during the quest for power. The unethical and corrupt actions in Julius Caesar are met with divine and human retribution, ultimately restoring order over chaos, law over anarchy.
A potential leader’s ability to seize power is strongly linked to their adaptation to upheld societal values. Antony in Julius Caesar subverts the values of society, being pragmatic, cold and ruthless when it is needed - elements of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Antony’s ruthlessness highlighted by his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his highly perceptive nature, where he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. This is reminiscent of Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. Antony's brutality is exemplified in the execution of his nephew and 100 senators, a principle which Machiavelli held to much value; to "eliminate them or destroy them utterly" and justifying any destruction to gain power. Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective whilst fulfilling his own political agenda, continuing to use the masses malleability to sway their opinion. Antony’s funeral oratory is his ultimate conquer in his pursuit for power; the repetition of “honourable men” when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines and disproves their legitimacy. Antony’s tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” allow for subliminal suggestion to the masses and cons them into believing Antony’s perspective. Antony gains control of the crowd, their manipulation emphasised in their monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” supporting Machiavelli’s belief the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning himself within the crowd to allow the crowd to mould to Antony’s personal bias. Antony is the ideal leader in the Machiavellian perspective, as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Antony’s perceptive nature and deceptive, cunning abilities make him the ultimate leader as he can willingly ignore the morality of society in his conquest for power.
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. Shakespeare, through Brutus, endorses the Elizabethan value of the divinity of the monarch, placing importance of acting morally. Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality – his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” blinds him from the realities of the brutality of power. It is in this sense that Brutus is Machiavelli’s textbook political failure, a Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live, the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure that Antony would not disrupt Brutus’ quest for power. Brutus, however, is the sound ideal of how a leader should act in respect to the Elizabethan context. Shakespeare validates the political status quo of Elizabethan England – through the disruption of nature as a consequence of political disruption paralleled to a disruption in the heavily overbearing belief of the Natural Order. Shakespeare’s endorsement of the Elizabethan values positions Brutus as an inadequate leader; by irresponsibly letting Antony conduct his funeral speech, Brutus exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. Morality is used by Shakespeare as a form of endorsing the values of Elizabethan England; in contrast to Machiavellian principles which totally subvert morality.
The values held by society can influence how a leader can accomplish the acquisition and preservation of authority. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Shakespeare and Machiavelli deal with the importance of technicalities during the seize of power, how successful each leader is, is dependent on how they respond to the status quo of their context.
I'll put my own annotations in bold font throughout the essay here:
Spoiler
How does the treatment of similar content in your study of texts heighten your understanding of the values, significance and context of each?
Societal values and contextual influences can either support or obstruct a leader’s endeavour to seize, gain and maintain power. First sentence = big ticks! The political ideologies within the process of the gaining and maintenance of power are explored in both Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare examine naïve political idealism juxtaposed to the darker side of human nature – that is, the need to gain power through deceit, manipulation and brutality. The essential difference in the texts, whilst exploring similar ideals, is how the values of each writer’s context are responded to. Machiavelli subverts the religious and political views of Renaissance Florence, completely rejecting the significance of morality in principle. Where Machiavelli undermines such political morality, Shakespeare endorses it; advocating for the moral values in the political realm of Elizabethan England. The similar ideal of gaining power is demonstrated through radically opposing values advocated by Shakespeare and Machiavelli. This is a seriously awesome introduction. I don't see any obvious flaws in the writing, so that's great!
Renaissance political ideologies revolved around a hegemony of moral virtues, where the concept that rulers should be morally noble reigned heavily in political and social decisions. I seriously love that you're beginning your paragraphs in a way that doesn't directly mention the texts but discusses the ideas. It's not always an easy thing to do but when done correctly it works a treat. You've done it well!This moral dogma, which was heavily embedded in society, was radically dismissed by Machiavelli, Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; however brutal or morally abhorrent the means, to bring power. Is this what you mean by the odd structure? I've never before seen two separate sentences introducing the paragraph, then a break, then starting the paragraph? I don't see anything wrong with it, because you do it later on as well so you're being uniform. If it were me writing this, I'd take out the break and make these first two sentences the first part of the next paragraph. But, if your teacher is asking you to write this way then I'm assuming there's a reason. If you are uncomfortable with it, write to the way your teacher (if they are the marker) wants so that you can optimise your marks. But in external exams, slide these two paragraphs together. This is just my advice, if you've been told a reason to follow this structure, then maybe it makes more sense to you. As I said, there's nothing technically wrong with it because it shows that you are manipulating the classic essay structure to suit your own purpose. Which is really cool. But if it is something that you aren't keen on and would prefer to use the classic structure, then revert back for external assessment(s).
Machiavelli endorses the notion of using pragmatic strategies to assist in the quest to seize and maintain power. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence, and places increased value on brutal approaches to power. Machiavelli endorses delving into the dark side of human nature to conduct important power manoeuvres – the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism when requesting power. Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and hound analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies his total dismissal of morality and the value placed on using brutality to gain power.
In contrast to Machiavelli’s brutality and rejection of morality and ethics, Shakespeare endorses the Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order that held the monarch’s role inviolate. Shakespeare advocates the use of morality and the preservation of a harmonic society during the quest for power. The unethical and corrupt actions in Julius Caesar are met with divine and human retribution, ultimately restoring order over chaos, law over anarchy. I'm adjusting to this. The structure seems to work.
A potential leader’s ability to seize power is strongly linked to their adaptation toupheld uphold societal values. Antony in Julius Caesar subverts the values of society, being pragmatic, cold and ruthless when it is needed - elements of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Antony’s ruthlessness highlighted by his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his highly perceptive nature, where he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. This is reminiscent of Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. Antony's brutality is exemplified in the execution of his nephew and 100 senators, a principle which Machiavelli held to much value; to "eliminate them or destroy them utterly" and justifying any destruction to gain power. Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective whilst fulfilling his own political agenda, continuing to use the masses malleability to sway their opinion. Antony’s funeral oratory is his ultimate conquer in his pursuit for power; the repetition of “honourable men” when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines and disproves their legitimacy. Antony’s tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” allow for subliminal suggestion to the masses and cons them into believing Antony’s perspective. Antony gains control of the crowd, their manipulation emphasised in their monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” supporting Machiavelli’s belief the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning himself within the crowd to allow the crowd to mould to Antony’s personal bias. Antony is the ideal leader in the Machiavellian perspective, as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Antony’s perceptive nature and deceptive, cunning abilities make him the ultimate leader as he can willingly ignore the morality of society in his conquest for power.
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. Shakespeare, through Brutus, endorses the Elizabethan value of the divinity of the monarch, placing importance of acting morally. Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality – his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” blinds him from the realities of the brutality of power. It is in this sense that Brutus is Machiavelli’s textbook political failure, a Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live, the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure that Antony would not disrupt Brutus’ quest for power. Brutus, however, is the sound ideal of how a leader should act in respect to the Elizabethan context. Shakespeare validates the political status quo of Elizabethan England – through the disruption of nature as a consequence of political disruption paralleled to a disruption in the heavily overbearing belief of the Natural Order. Shakespeare’s endorsement of the Elizabethan values positions Brutus as an inadequate leader; by irresponsibly letting Antony conduct his funeral speech, Brutus exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. Morality is used by Shakespeare as a form of endorsing the values of Elizabethan England; in contrast to Machiavellian principles which totally subvert morality.
The values held by society can influence how a leader can accomplish the acquisition and preservation of authority. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Shakespeare and Machiavelli deal with the importance of technicalities during the seize of power, how successful each leader is, is dependent on how they respond to the status quo of their context.
Societal values and contextual influences can either support or obstruct a leader’s endeavour to seize, gain and maintain power. First sentence = big ticks! The political ideologies within the process of the gaining and maintenance of power are explored in both Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare examine naïve political idealism juxtaposed to the darker side of human nature – that is, the need to gain power through deceit, manipulation and brutality. The essential difference in the texts, whilst exploring similar ideals, is how the values of each writer’s context are responded to. Machiavelli subverts the religious and political views of Renaissance Florence, completely rejecting the significance of morality in principle. Where Machiavelli undermines such political morality, Shakespeare endorses it; advocating for the moral values in the political realm of Elizabethan England. The similar ideal of gaining power is demonstrated through radically opposing values advocated by Shakespeare and Machiavelli. This is a seriously awesome introduction. I don't see any obvious flaws in the writing, so that's great!
Renaissance political ideologies revolved around a hegemony of moral virtues, where the concept that rulers should be morally noble reigned heavily in political and social decisions. I seriously love that you're beginning your paragraphs in a way that doesn't directly mention the texts but discusses the ideas. It's not always an easy thing to do but when done correctly it works a treat. You've done it well!This moral dogma, which was heavily embedded in society, was radically dismissed by Machiavelli, Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; however brutal or morally abhorrent the means, to bring power. Is this what you mean by the odd structure? I've never before seen two separate sentences introducing the paragraph, then a break, then starting the paragraph? I don't see anything wrong with it, because you do it later on as well so you're being uniform. If it were me writing this, I'd take out the break and make these first two sentences the first part of the next paragraph. But, if your teacher is asking you to write this way then I'm assuming there's a reason. If you are uncomfortable with it, write to the way your teacher (if they are the marker) wants so that you can optimise your marks. But in external exams, slide these two paragraphs together. This is just my advice, if you've been told a reason to follow this structure, then maybe it makes more sense to you. As I said, there's nothing technically wrong with it because it shows that you are manipulating the classic essay structure to suit your own purpose. Which is really cool. But if it is something that you aren't keen on and would prefer to use the classic structure, then revert back for external assessment(s).
Machiavelli endorses the notion of using pragmatic strategies to assist in the quest to seize and maintain power. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence, and places increased value on brutal approaches to power. Machiavelli endorses delving into the dark side of human nature to conduct important power manoeuvres – the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism when requesting power. Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and hound analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies his total dismissal of morality and the value placed on using brutality to gain power.
In contrast to Machiavelli’s brutality and rejection of morality and ethics, Shakespeare endorses the Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order that held the monarch’s role inviolate. Shakespeare advocates the use of morality and the preservation of a harmonic society during the quest for power. The unethical and corrupt actions in Julius Caesar are met with divine and human retribution, ultimately restoring order over chaos, law over anarchy. I'm adjusting to this. The structure seems to work.
A potential leader’s ability to seize power is strongly linked to their adaptation to
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. Shakespeare, through Brutus, endorses the Elizabethan value of the divinity of the monarch, placing importance of acting morally. Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality – his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” blinds him from the realities of the brutality of power. It is in this sense that Brutus is Machiavelli’s textbook political failure, a Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live, the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure that Antony would not disrupt Brutus’ quest for power. Brutus, however, is the sound ideal of how a leader should act in respect to the Elizabethan context. Shakespeare validates the political status quo of Elizabethan England – through the disruption of nature as a consequence of political disruption paralleled to a disruption in the heavily overbearing belief of the Natural Order. Shakespeare’s endorsement of the Elizabethan values positions Brutus as an inadequate leader; by irresponsibly letting Antony conduct his funeral speech, Brutus exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. Morality is used by Shakespeare as a form of endorsing the values of Elizabethan England; in contrast to Machiavellian principles which totally subvert morality.
The values held by society can influence how a leader can accomplish the acquisition and preservation of authority. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Shakespeare and Machiavelli deal with the importance of technicalities during the seize of power, how successful each leader is, is dependent on how they respond to the status quo of their context.
End Notes:
I think there's only been one or two other people who have posted on here who are doing these texts! I'm definitely familiar with The Prince because I referred to the work throughout my Shakespearean studies, even though I didn't compare these two texts! I think you've dealt with the texts really well.
In order to make the writing more effective, you should just keep these in mind:
-Link the texts explicitly as much as possible.
-Make the similar context idea (as per the essay question) really clear.
-If a quote has more than one technique and you can name both and they still add to your essay rather than deduct from it, do it. Once or twice you could have coupled a particular type of imagery with the quote. Doing this will make your writing really "BAM". By this I mean, you'll be absolutely nailing your textual analysis every time you talk about the text. When this is in place, your textual comparison elevates.
As I mentioned above, the structure is odd. If you are happy to use it, there's no reason I can see not to. Do you feel comfortable with it?
Overall, great essay. You deal with the ideas really well and I think that your comparison of texts is at a really high level. I'm just suggesting a few general things so you can look at it again with fresh eyes and keep these things in mind and hopefull you'll see ways to improve even more :)
Post by: brontem on April 15, 2016, 06:04:36 pm
Again, thank you!! I really appreciate it, it really helps :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 17, 2016, 11:39:01 am
Thank you so much!! I'm glad that the structure does make sense (kinda) :) you mentioned that the "similar context idea" needs to be clear... the question was similar content though, so idk if that was just a misread/type?? I'll keep working on it, and tweak it to how you suggest :)
Again, thank you!! I really appreciate it, it really helps :)
Hey there! Seriously, you're welcome! What I mean by the similar context idea is that it is a main feature in your essay question but you've only actually said the word "similar" twice in your essay, both being in the introduction. You aren't currently making a clear connection between the texts as having comparable contexts just yet, and you need to do that in order to show that you are responding directly to the question. I know that the contexts are similar, they are historically close in time. But you need to explicitly draw links between how the two contexts are similar (politically, economically, socially, etc) as a point of comparative connection :)
Good luck!
Post by: lowrifunnell on April 20, 2016, 10:35:25 pm
thank you so much!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 21, 2016, 07:43:40 am
hello!! i've just finished my module A essay (apart from the conclusion) and i was hoping you might be able to have a look at it and see if its okay? i'm not really sure how well i've incorporated the question, or if the structure is really the right way to go, but I'd love any feedback if possible :) i'm also looking to cut it down a bit so if there's anything unnecessary or not particularly strong please let me know :)
thank you so much!!
Hey lowrifunnel!! I'd love to take a look, I've attached your essay with some comments in bold!
Spoiler
‘How does the treatment of similar content in your pair of texts heighten your understanding of the value, significance, and context of each.’
Similar ideas of power gain and maintenance can elucidate significant values and perspectives associated with, and transcending, context. Cool start, but try wording as something other than "Power Gain," it sounds a tad awkward and you could express it better. The texts Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare, and The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli both explore the political ideology behind the gaining and maintenance of power and control. Same as above, awesome ideas, but I think you can express it better. Both texts exhibit naïve political idealism, juxtaposed with manipulative, deceitful, effective tactics. Whilst Machiavelli subverts his Renaissance context, Shakespeare endorses the political realm of Elizabethan England. Solid introduction, but I think it is missing a more definitive layout of what your essay will discuss. Try to list the arguments you will be making, and further, tie everything together with a concluding sentence which says "Yep, there is my argument, and thus I am going to answer the question."
Values presented in texts can be subversive to their contexts, and seemingly contradict social norms. The Prince was written in the early 16th century in Renaissance Florence. During this time, political thought was based around Judaeo-Christian ethical and moral principles, with a need to strive for moral virtue in all social and political dealings. Machiavelli rejects these contextual values in favour of a brutal pragmatism that he believed necessary to gain and maintain power. Can you give an example of a technique which achieves this? He advocated that political leaders had to operate outside of ethical and religious guidelines in order to be successful. How? At the time, Florence was politically, religiously, and militarily fragmented, with many powerful forces vying for power and control, and The Prince provided a manifesto on the maintenance of political power. While you are discussing the correct ideas, you MUST focus on the text itself. Try to find some quotes or textual features that represent the ideas you say are found within!
The ability to gain and maintain power is directly governed by the aptitude of a leader to step outside moral codes and societal values. Machiavelli’s The Prince, emphasises the need for a leader to act outside of the ethical and moral guidelines of the Renaissance period in order to be successful. The declaratory statement “eliminate the family of the previous ruler” emphasises that a leader must be ruthless and abandon moral virtues to consolidate power. This demonstrates the dismissal of the moral codes of the Renaissance period. Similarly, “if a ruler wants to survive, he’ll have to learn to stop being good”. A Machiavellian ruler needs to be pragmatic, forceful, and divorced from common morality, despite this being radically different from Renaissance values. Likewise, Machiavelli reiterates that “to stay in power [a leader] is frequently obliged to act against loyalty, against humanity, and against religion”. The listing emphasises the extent to which a leader may have to reject contextual values, in order to remain in power. This is better, you are using techniques to show how the composer has created an idea. I do think your techniques could be stronger than "declaratory statement" and "listing," but they work. Be sure to include audience impact, which you have done for contextual audiences to a degree, but what do we as a modern audience take from this text? This links to the 'significance' part of your question.
In contrast to Machiavelli’s subversion, Shakespeare fully endorses Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Divine Right of Kings that held the Monarch’s rule inviolate. England, under Elizabeth, was economically prosperous and militarily strong, in stark contrast to Florence’s military havoc. The assassination of Caesar, akin to the deposing of Elizabeth, is met with divine and human retribution, ultimately restoring law over anarchy. Again, techniques/textual references which show this?
When a leader is pragmatic, ruthless, and divorced from moral obligations, they will be much more likely to succeed than one who adheres to ethical boundaries. In Julius Caesar, Antony is shown to be an effective, calculating, manipulative ruler, allowing him to ultimately be successful in the pursuit of power. After Caesar’s assassination, Antony sends a servant and “bid [him] fall down” in order to convince the conspirators that he is servile, he is not a threat. The lack of technique/representational analysis here means you are slipping into recount. You do NOT want to be simply retelling the text and linking it to the Thesis. The focus must be on representation and techniques used by the composer. This tactic is not dissimilar to Machiavelli’s ideal leader, Borgia, who was “so good at disguising his intentions”, allowing him to ultimately be a successful ruler. Similarly, Antony’s soliloquy reveals his true intentions. He knows civil war is needed so he must enflame the Machiavellian “gullible” crowd. Antony sees this crowd as a powerful, malleable, political tool, to him, they are mindless instruments to be manipulated, he must “let loose the dogs of war” to give him time to unseat the conspirators. Again, these last few sentences read like a textual recount. Yes, you link to your Thesis and even the other text, but the focus needs to be on technique. Likewise, Antony’s funeral oratory provides an insight into his manipulative, pragmatic actions. In the speech, he uses repetition of the rhetorical question, “did this in Caesar seem ambitious” after providing concrete evidence of Caesar’s generosity and compassion, to undermine the conspirators, and encourage the crowd to question Brutus. What does this show about the pragmatic/ruthless nature of politics/power? Antony also uses physical theatre when he pauses to weep, dramatically positioning the crows to empathise with the sorrow and tragedy of Caesar’s butchery. Antony does not do anything, Shakespeare does everything! All choices are his! The subtle use of tonal shifts throughout the soliloquy sees Antony begin with referring to the conspirators as honourable men, and finally, “the honourable men whose daggers have stabbed Caesar”. The shift in tone allows the high modality language to become more direct and brutal. Antony uses all of these manipulative tactics to usurp the people’s support, an idea directly supported by Machiavelli, “a king can never be safe if the common people are hostile to him”. Finally, the Triumvirate execute 100 senators, following the Machiavellian theory that a leader must either “pamper people or destroy them”, thus undermining the power base of the conspirators and strengthening their own position.
If a leader is ruled entirely by their moral conscience, they may find it difficult to gain and maintain power successfully. In Julius Caesar, Brutus is the Machiavellian idea of a political failure. His overriding morality and quixotic sense of integrity prevent him from making effective pragmatic decisions that would have ensured his political survival. Cassius is highly perceptive and understands how Brutus’ idealism will allow him to be manipulated, demonstrated through the metaphor, “thy honourable metal may be wrought”. While the technique is here, I feel you still need a shift in language to focus on Shakespeare's choices. You haven't mentioned him in either of these paragraphs, try to shift the focus to his choices as the composer. Cassius understands that although Brutus is intelligent, his naivety allows him to be easily deceived. Likewise, whilst Cassius identifies Antony as a “shrewd contriver”, Brutus, in stark contrast to the Machiavellian idea to “eliminate them… destroy them utterly”, allows Antony to live. He is caught up in honour and moral principles, blinding him to the pragmatic realities of power maintenance. This is a major political error that contributes to his downfall. Brutus’ second politically inept decision is allowing Antony to speak to the crowd, despite Cassius’ warnings, “I know not what may fall, I like it not”. In doing so, he allows Antony to manipulate the crowd into a violent, chaotic frenzy, and fails to gain support of the masses, in stark contrast to the Machiavellian theories of power gain based on support of the “vulgar crowd”.
Similar ideas of power gain and maintenance can elucidate significant values and perspectives associated with, and transcending, context. Cool start, but try wording as something other than "Power Gain," it sounds a tad awkward and you could express it better. The texts Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare, and The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli both explore the political ideology behind the gaining and maintenance of power and control. Same as above, awesome ideas, but I think you can express it better. Both texts exhibit naïve political idealism, juxtaposed with manipulative, deceitful, effective tactics. Whilst Machiavelli subverts his Renaissance context, Shakespeare endorses the political realm of Elizabethan England. Solid introduction, but I think it is missing a more definitive layout of what your essay will discuss. Try to list the arguments you will be making, and further, tie everything together with a concluding sentence which says "Yep, there is my argument, and thus I am going to answer the question."
Values presented in texts can be subversive to their contexts, and seemingly contradict social norms. The Prince was written in the early 16th century in Renaissance Florence. During this time, political thought was based around Judaeo-Christian ethical and moral principles, with a need to strive for moral virtue in all social and political dealings. Machiavelli rejects these contextual values in favour of a brutal pragmatism that he believed necessary to gain and maintain power. Can you give an example of a technique which achieves this? He advocated that political leaders had to operate outside of ethical and religious guidelines in order to be successful. How? At the time, Florence was politically, religiously, and militarily fragmented, with many powerful forces vying for power and control, and The Prince provided a manifesto on the maintenance of political power. While you are discussing the correct ideas, you MUST focus on the text itself. Try to find some quotes or textual features that represent the ideas you say are found within!
The ability to gain and maintain power is directly governed by the aptitude of a leader to step outside moral codes and societal values. Machiavelli’s The Prince, emphasises the need for a leader to act outside of the ethical and moral guidelines of the Renaissance period in order to be successful. The declaratory statement “eliminate the family of the previous ruler” emphasises that a leader must be ruthless and abandon moral virtues to consolidate power. This demonstrates the dismissal of the moral codes of the Renaissance period. Similarly, “if a ruler wants to survive, he’ll have to learn to stop being good”. A Machiavellian ruler needs to be pragmatic, forceful, and divorced from common morality, despite this being radically different from Renaissance values. Likewise, Machiavelli reiterates that “to stay in power [a leader] is frequently obliged to act against loyalty, against humanity, and against religion”. The listing emphasises the extent to which a leader may have to reject contextual values, in order to remain in power. This is better, you are using techniques to show how the composer has created an idea. I do think your techniques could be stronger than "declaratory statement" and "listing," but they work. Be sure to include audience impact, which you have done for contextual audiences to a degree, but what do we as a modern audience take from this text? This links to the 'significance' part of your question.
In contrast to Machiavelli’s subversion, Shakespeare fully endorses Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Divine Right of Kings that held the Monarch’s rule inviolate. England, under Elizabeth, was economically prosperous and militarily strong, in stark contrast to Florence’s military havoc. The assassination of Caesar, akin to the deposing of Elizabeth, is met with divine and human retribution, ultimately restoring law over anarchy. Again, techniques/textual references which show this?
When a leader is pragmatic, ruthless, and divorced from moral obligations, they will be much more likely to succeed than one who adheres to ethical boundaries. In Julius Caesar, Antony is shown to be an effective, calculating, manipulative ruler, allowing him to ultimately be successful in the pursuit of power. After Caesar’s assassination, Antony sends a servant and “bid [him] fall down” in order to convince the conspirators that he is servile, he is not a threat. The lack of technique/representational analysis here means you are slipping into recount. You do NOT want to be simply retelling the text and linking it to the Thesis. The focus must be on representation and techniques used by the composer. This tactic is not dissimilar to Machiavelli’s ideal leader, Borgia, who was “so good at disguising his intentions”, allowing him to ultimately be a successful ruler. Similarly, Antony’s soliloquy reveals his true intentions. He knows civil war is needed so he must enflame the Machiavellian “gullible” crowd. Antony sees this crowd as a powerful, malleable, political tool, to him, they are mindless instruments to be manipulated, he must “let loose the dogs of war” to give him time to unseat the conspirators. Again, these last few sentences read like a textual recount. Yes, you link to your Thesis and even the other text, but the focus needs to be on technique. Likewise, Antony’s funeral oratory provides an insight into his manipulative, pragmatic actions. In the speech, he uses repetition of the rhetorical question, “did this in Caesar seem ambitious” after providing concrete evidence of Caesar’s generosity and compassion, to undermine the conspirators, and encourage the crowd to question Brutus. What does this show about the pragmatic/ruthless nature of politics/power? Antony also uses physical theatre when he pauses to weep, dramatically positioning the crows to empathise with the sorrow and tragedy of Caesar’s butchery. Antony does not do anything, Shakespeare does everything! All choices are his! The subtle use of tonal shifts throughout the soliloquy sees Antony begin with referring to the conspirators as honourable men, and finally, “the honourable men whose daggers have stabbed Caesar”. The shift in tone allows the high modality language to become more direct and brutal. Antony uses all of these manipulative tactics to usurp the people’s support, an idea directly supported by Machiavelli, “a king can never be safe if the common people are hostile to him”. Finally, the Triumvirate execute 100 senators, following the Machiavellian theory that a leader must either “pamper people or destroy them”, thus undermining the power base of the conspirators and strengthening their own position.
If a leader is ruled entirely by their moral conscience, they may find it difficult to gain and maintain power successfully. In Julius Caesar, Brutus is the Machiavellian idea of a political failure. His overriding morality and quixotic sense of integrity prevent him from making effective pragmatic decisions that would have ensured his political survival. Cassius is highly perceptive and understands how Brutus’ idealism will allow him to be manipulated, demonstrated through the metaphor, “thy honourable metal may be wrought”. While the technique is here, I feel you still need a shift in language to focus on Shakespeare's choices. You haven't mentioned him in either of these paragraphs, try to shift the focus to his choices as the composer. Cassius understands that although Brutus is intelligent, his naivety allows him to be easily deceived. Likewise, whilst Cassius identifies Antony as a “shrewd contriver”, Brutus, in stark contrast to the Machiavellian idea to “eliminate them… destroy them utterly”, allows Antony to live. He is caught up in honour and moral principles, blinding him to the pragmatic realities of power maintenance. This is a major political error that contributes to his downfall. Brutus’ second politically inept decision is allowing Antony to speak to the crowd, despite Cassius’ warnings, “I know not what may fall, I like it not”. In doing so, he allows Antony to manipulate the crowd into a violent, chaotic frenzy, and fails to gain support of the masses, in stark contrast to the Machiavellian theories of power gain based on support of the “vulgar crowd”.
What I'll start by saying is that you've incorporated context into this essay beautifully! You've crafted a Thesis with contextual focus and sustained it with frequent links, brilliantly done. I also think, on the whole, your ideas on power/political manoeuvring are conveyed well, and expressed effectively in most circumstances.
I think the main thing you need to improve is your textual analysis. Currently, your analysis consists of a quote from the text, and an explanation of how the characters actions link to your ideas. This is only half of the battle! You must ensure your analysis is focused on techniques. At the moment, your language is suggesting that the characters themselves are representing your ideas, they are not. It is the choices made by the composer, in how that character is represented, which provide the meaning. All your analysis should be, "Shakespeare's use of _____________, particularly in lines such as "_________________," is typical of his context and reveals ____________ to the audience." Without focusing on technique and representation, you slip into textual retell, which is not as effective at conveying your ideas.
In terms of structure, I think what you have works quite well, but remember the question requires discussion of "similar content." Be sure that you are consistently making links between your texts (I think you do this implicitly, try doing it explicitly a little more often).
In summary, I think you've handled the context part of the question excellently. It is the value/significance bits which need improvement through some more effective analysis. If you are looking to cut down, cut out sections where you retell the plot, and replace them with 1-2 sentences focused solely on analysis, techniques, and representational choices. This will lift your essay to the next level. The ideas are definitely there, now you just need to work on applying them to the text a little more effectively ;D
Great work lowrifunnell! You've got the start of something fantastic here, the ideas are fantastic, a little work on analysis and you'll be all set! Be sure to post any future versions for us to take a look at ;D
Post by: Fabulous on April 21, 2016, 02:06:18 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 22, 2016, 12:08:39 pm
Hello! This is my essay for module A on John Donne's poems and Margaret Edson's play 'W;t'. I feel as though maybe my argument isn't very strong and I would like you to remove any irrelevant information. The more feedback, the better I say! :)
Hey Fabulous, welcome to the forums!! ;D Definitely the more feedback the better, I like your style ;)
Normally we have a restriction of 5 posts minimum to get feedback for a module essay, but it is a little quiet right now and I love that you are wanting to work on it in the holidays, so I'll make an exception ;D if you want feedback on another, you'll just have to hang around the site a bit and rack up 5 posts, asking questions and saying thanks etc., it doesn't take long at all ;)
But yes, I've attached your essay below with some comments!
Spoiler
In what ways is your appreciation of both texts enhanced by a comparative study of passion in Donne’s poetry and W;t? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed contexts.
A comparative study of John Donne’s seventeenth century poetry and Margaret Edson’s Postmodern play ‘W;t’ (1995) enhances an individual’s appreciation for literary representation of passion even though the two texts were composed in differentiating contexts which highlights how societal values shape the notion of passion to suit its context and can have positive and detrimental effects on an individual. Great ideas, but this sentence is a little long, took my breath away, literally! Maybe cut it in half and explain everything a little bit more clearly in two sentences? This ultimately forces individuals to seek external sources of help in order for them to extricate themselves from the negatives of having too much passion, which could be either from human relationships or God. Your ideas in this introduction are great for a start, but I think you need to flesh them out a little bit more. An introduction needs a bit more than 2 sentences. Try listing your paragraph arguments, and also, try leading your introduction with a Thesis statement instead of your texts!
Donne’s passion for humanism is highly evident in his earlier songs and sonnets. Cool topic statement, but perhaps you could explain "passion for humanism" a bit more. The Renaissance Era, as a period of great scientific and geographical discoveries is the driving force of this form of thinking. Humanism lead to society’s questioning of the power of the Catholic Church and Bible and an increased level of individualistic thinking. This form of thinking is epitomised by Donne’s subversion of the traditional Petrarchan sonnet in The Sunne Rising as he repeatedly uses rhetorical devices and imperatives in the lines ‘Goe chide, go tell Court-Huntsmen…through windowes, and through curtains call on us?’ as he criticises the power of the mighty sun, making it ironically seem insignificant to him and his lover. Whoa! Great stuff, but again, a tiny bit too long. Maybe a full stop after "The Sunne Rising"? This indicates the high level of passion he has towards himself and his lover, making him come across as a condescending individual, similarly to that of his humanist context. Furthermore, Donne directly addresses the sun through personification as he refers to it as ‘thou’, which further indicates the passion he has for himself, and his contrastingly negative attitude towards other creations of God, merely because it is performing its daily routine. Through this, Donne accepts the Renaissance Era’s context, which had begun to increase its level of humanist values. I think this is a great paragraph, though I think your ideas could be expressed a TINY bit more clearly. Also, be sure to reference the impact this has had on the AUDIENCE, this is the key to the 'appreciation of texts' part of the question, how do audiences view the text/what do you/they learn?
Likewise, Vivian Bearing is highly passionate about humanist thinking and places her intellectual ability over relationships with other humans. From the very beginning of the play, the audience can see her passion towards knowledge and learning and this is reflective of the twentieth century, whereby the state and religion had already become completely secular. Now you are bringing the audience in, better! They were also more experimental about their beliefs but more importantly, more focused on humanism. The stage direction of Vivian speaking in her [own professorial tone] and her breaking the fourth wall as she speaks emphasises this. Be very careful with how you discuss the techniques and stage directions in your essay, everything MUST be attributed to the composer. It is their choices which create meaning, so you should be discussing the composer, not a character. It also indicates her over-confident nature, which was highly prevalent in the Postmodernist era. Bearing’s humanist approach to life is additionally demonstrated through ‘I am very tough…uncompromising…I know all about life and death’ as she ironically presumes that because she is a scholar of Donne’s difficult Holy Sonnets, she will be able to easily extricate herself from any challenge thrown at her in life, such as the ‘pernicious effects’ of cancer, indicating how her passion for gaining knowledge has disadvantaged her ‘real life’ situations. This is in contrast to her attitude towards life later in the play as Vivian says to her nurse Suzie ‘I don’t feel so sure of myself anymore’ and the transition of Bearing acting ‘like a child’. Bearing’s passion for her knowledge and individualism is epitomised in one of the flashback scene with her and E.M Ashford, as she ironically tells Bearing to ‘Use your intelligence. Don’t go back to the library’, indicating that even the most intellectual individuals have slightly less passion towards their knowledge and individualism over external sources of solace in life. Even after appealing to Bearing with ‘intelligence’, she denies the offer, emphasising her passion for knowledge and individualism, which overrode human relationships from a young age. Be sure to conclude your paragraphs like you did earlier!
As Donne’s poetic style progressed into divine poetry, his passion for humanist thinking were seen to have diminished greatly. Instead, there was an arousal of Donne’s questioning of mortality, since he was aware of his closely approaching death. The apostrophe and paradox of death dying through ‘Death, thou shalt die’ emphasises this notion and contrastingly to before, he no longer is challenging another ‘creation’ of God out of individualism, but because of his questioning of mortality. I think your wording here is a little bit off, for example, "questioning of mortality" could be changed to "as he questions his mortality." Something like that, what is here works but is a tad askew. In Holy Sonnet IX, Donne’s frustration towards the idea of his inevitable death is emphasised through the rhetorical device and contrastingly dark imagery in ‘If lecherous goats, serpents envious cannot be damned; Alas; why should I be?’ as he directly questions God about his own mortality. Despite this, towards the end of the poem, there is a shift in tone as he truly realises the limitations of having too much passion for individualism, and the inevitability of death.Technique/Example? His later sonnets complying with the traditional fourteen line sonnet structure conveys the subservience he now has towards God. Additionally, the juxtaposition of heaven and hell in ‘My teares, make a heavenly Lethean floor’ emphasise that the exploration of mortality has now forced him to truly accept God and plead for repentance. This also exemplifies Donne’s contrastingly challenging the beliefs of his society as people has already become sceptical towards the Church forcing them to rely on the recent scientific discoveries to reconcile their questioning of mortality. I think it is slight wording issues that are muddying your argument for me at the moment, I'm having to go back and re-read sentences to give your essay clarity. Be sure everything reads very clearly (what triggered this comment here was "contrastingly challenging the beliefs", and further, another very long sentence.
Towards the end of the play, as Vivian’s illness begins to encroach her wellbeing, she realises the lack of human interactions that she has with others and how her knowledge will never provide that for her. This leads her to begin questioning her mortality. Again, focus on composer! Vivian’s longing for human relationships is emphasised as she tries to ask Jason [with great difficulty] about her mortality in ‘what do you say when a patient is…apprehensive…frightened?’. The ellipses indicate that Vivian’s passion for knowledge and individualism is no longer evident, but is rather frightened about death, forcing her to seek external sources of help from human relationships. An audience would not see an ellipsis, focus instead on the delivery of this line on stage! However, Jason is oblivious to Vivian’s longing for human connection as he replies with ‘of who?’, symbolising Vivian before she was closely approaching her death. However, Suzie who has less passion towards individualism and knowledge is able to provide Vivian with the solace she needs. She repetitively refers to Vivian as ‘sweetheart’ and talks to her [brightly], unlike Jason who [directly goes to the I&0 sheet without looking at VIVIAN]. Vivian’s changed attitude towards humanism and her knowledge is depicted from the fact that she willingly chooses for her code to be ‘DNR’ even though technological advancements at the time could have allowed for her to fight for her life. The stage direction of her ‘reaching for the light’ indicates that through accepting her mortality, she has also accepted God. Hence she relinquishes her notions of individualism as she doesn't rely on her intellect to extricate her from the challenges of life. The ideas in this paragraph are clearer, good!! Remember to focus on techniques, don't just explain the plot!
Ultimately, despite the differentiating contexts, a comparative study of passion through both John Donne’s poems and Margaret Edson’s play enhances an individual’s appreciation for the texts as they deal with their questioning of mortality in similar manners, either from the help of other humans or God. This indicates the that even the most intellectual individuals will not be able to deal with the challenges one experiences without assistance from external sources of solace.
A comparative study of John Donne’s seventeenth century poetry and Margaret Edson’s Postmodern play ‘W;t’ (1995) enhances an individual’s appreciation for literary representation of passion even though the two texts were composed in differentiating contexts which highlights how societal values shape the notion of passion to suit its context and can have positive and detrimental effects on an individual. Great ideas, but this sentence is a little long, took my breath away, literally! Maybe cut it in half and explain everything a little bit more clearly in two sentences? This ultimately forces individuals to seek external sources of help in order for them to extricate themselves from the negatives of having too much passion, which could be either from human relationships or God. Your ideas in this introduction are great for a start, but I think you need to flesh them out a little bit more. An introduction needs a bit more than 2 sentences. Try listing your paragraph arguments, and also, try leading your introduction with a Thesis statement instead of your texts!
Donne’s passion for humanism is highly evident in his earlier songs and sonnets. Cool topic statement, but perhaps you could explain "passion for humanism" a bit more. The Renaissance Era, as a period of great scientific and geographical discoveries is the driving force of this form of thinking. Humanism lead to society’s questioning of the power of the Catholic Church and Bible and an increased level of individualistic thinking. This form of thinking is epitomised by Donne’s subversion of the traditional Petrarchan sonnet in The Sunne Rising as he repeatedly uses rhetorical devices and imperatives in the lines ‘Goe chide, go tell Court-Huntsmen…through windowes, and through curtains call on us?’ as he criticises the power of the mighty sun, making it ironically seem insignificant to him and his lover. Whoa! Great stuff, but again, a tiny bit too long. Maybe a full stop after "The Sunne Rising"? This indicates the high level of passion he has towards himself and his lover, making him come across as a condescending individual, similarly to that of his humanist context. Furthermore, Donne directly addresses the sun through personification as he refers to it as ‘thou’, which further indicates the passion he has for himself, and his contrastingly negative attitude towards other creations of God, merely because it is performing its daily routine. Through this, Donne accepts the Renaissance Era’s context, which had begun to increase its level of humanist values. I think this is a great paragraph, though I think your ideas could be expressed a TINY bit more clearly. Also, be sure to reference the impact this has had on the AUDIENCE, this is the key to the 'appreciation of texts' part of the question, how do audiences view the text/what do you/they learn?
Likewise, Vivian Bearing is highly passionate about humanist thinking and places her intellectual ability over relationships with other humans. From the very beginning of the play, the audience can see her passion towards knowledge and learning and this is reflective of the twentieth century, whereby the state and religion had already become completely secular. Now you are bringing the audience in, better! They were also more experimental about their beliefs but more importantly, more focused on humanism. The stage direction of Vivian speaking in her [own professorial tone] and her breaking the fourth wall as she speaks emphasises this. Be very careful with how you discuss the techniques and stage directions in your essay, everything MUST be attributed to the composer. It is their choices which create meaning, so you should be discussing the composer, not a character. It also indicates her over-confident nature, which was highly prevalent in the Postmodernist era. Bearing’s humanist approach to life is additionally demonstrated through ‘I am very tough…uncompromising…I know all about life and death’ as she ironically presumes that because she is a scholar of Donne’s difficult Holy Sonnets, she will be able to easily extricate herself from any challenge thrown at her in life, such as the ‘pernicious effects’ of cancer, indicating how her passion for gaining knowledge has disadvantaged her ‘real life’ situations. This is in contrast to her attitude towards life later in the play as Vivian says to her nurse Suzie ‘I don’t feel so sure of myself anymore’ and the transition of Bearing acting ‘like a child’. Bearing’s passion for her knowledge and individualism is epitomised in one of the flashback scene with her and E.M Ashford, as she ironically tells Bearing to ‘Use your intelligence. Don’t go back to the library’, indicating that even the most intellectual individuals have slightly less passion towards their knowledge and individualism over external sources of solace in life. Even after appealing to Bearing with ‘intelligence’, she denies the offer, emphasising her passion for knowledge and individualism, which overrode human relationships from a young age. Be sure to conclude your paragraphs like you did earlier!
As Donne’s poetic style progressed into divine poetry, his passion for humanist thinking were seen to have diminished greatly. Instead, there was an arousal of Donne’s questioning of mortality, since he was aware of his closely approaching death. The apostrophe and paradox of death dying through ‘Death, thou shalt die’ emphasises this notion and contrastingly to before, he no longer is challenging another ‘creation’ of God out of individualism, but because of his questioning of mortality. I think your wording here is a little bit off, for example, "questioning of mortality" could be changed to "as he questions his mortality." Something like that, what is here works but is a tad askew. In Holy Sonnet IX, Donne’s frustration towards the idea of his inevitable death is emphasised through the rhetorical device and contrastingly dark imagery in ‘If lecherous goats, serpents envious cannot be damned; Alas; why should I be?’ as he directly questions God about his own mortality. Despite this, towards the end of the poem, there is a shift in tone as he truly realises the limitations of having too much passion for individualism, and the inevitability of death.Technique/Example? His later sonnets complying with the traditional fourteen line sonnet structure conveys the subservience he now has towards God. Additionally, the juxtaposition of heaven and hell in ‘My teares, make a heavenly Lethean floor’ emphasise that the exploration of mortality has now forced him to truly accept God and plead for repentance. This also exemplifies Donne’s contrastingly challenging the beliefs of his society as people has already become sceptical towards the Church forcing them to rely on the recent scientific discoveries to reconcile their questioning of mortality. I think it is slight wording issues that are muddying your argument for me at the moment, I'm having to go back and re-read sentences to give your essay clarity. Be sure everything reads very clearly (what triggered this comment here was "contrastingly challenging the beliefs", and further, another very long sentence.
Towards the end of the play, as Vivian’s illness begins to encroach her wellbeing, she realises the lack of human interactions that she has with others and how her knowledge will never provide that for her. This leads her to begin questioning her mortality. Again, focus on composer! Vivian’s longing for human relationships is emphasised as she tries to ask Jason [with great difficulty] about her mortality in ‘what do you say when a patient is…apprehensive…frightened?’. The ellipses indicate that Vivian’s passion for knowledge and individualism is no longer evident, but is rather frightened about death, forcing her to seek external sources of help from human relationships. An audience would not see an ellipsis, focus instead on the delivery of this line on stage! However, Jason is oblivious to Vivian’s longing for human connection as he replies with ‘of who?’, symbolising Vivian before she was closely approaching her death. However, Suzie who has less passion towards individualism and knowledge is able to provide Vivian with the solace she needs. She repetitively refers to Vivian as ‘sweetheart’ and talks to her [brightly], unlike Jason who [directly goes to the I&0 sheet without looking at VIVIAN]. Vivian’s changed attitude towards humanism and her knowledge is depicted from the fact that she willingly chooses for her code to be ‘DNR’ even though technological advancements at the time could have allowed for her to fight for her life. The stage direction of her ‘reaching for the light’ indicates that through accepting her mortality, she has also accepted God. Hence she relinquishes her notions of individualism as she doesn't rely on her intellect to extricate her from the challenges of life. The ideas in this paragraph are clearer, good!! Remember to focus on techniques, don't just explain the plot!
Ultimately, despite the differentiating contexts, a comparative study of passion through both John Donne’s poems and Margaret Edson’s play enhances an individual’s appreciation for the texts as they deal with their questioning of mortality in similar manners, either from the help of other humans or God. This indicates the that even the most intellectual individuals will not be able to deal with the challenges one experiences without assistance from external sources of solace.
I think this is fabulous Fabulous! (haha)
I think you are blending in context extremely well and your ideas are definitely well thought out. You clearly have done a lot of thinking about what the texts represent and you have a lot of ideas in your essay, fantastic!!
There are a few things I think that you could improve. The first of these is the quality of your textual analysis, and for me there are two things missing there. Firstly, be sure to focus on composer choices rather than characters. For example, Vivian doesn't show us anything, it is the composers' representation of Vivian which gives us meaning. Be sure to focus on composer techniques and choices. Also, remember to include an impact on the audience!! You did this in place, but not everywhere, and is essential for showing our (and thus, your) appreciation of the text.
Secondly, I think your structure needs a little bit of work. Primarily, concluding all paragraphs properly by linking to your Thesis, as well as giving your introduction a little bit more depth. Explain what you will be discussing properly at the start to save you words a little further down the track.
Finally, the question does say "comparative study" of both texts. You haven't done too much comparison here. Your argument would be elevated by drawing links between the two texts (which you could do by discussing both in a single paragraph, for example, how BOTH plays represent humanist values). This would also trim down your word count, which you mentioned as a goal as well. Definitely something to think about, discussing the two texts together in this way is called an integrated response!
You have some awesome ideas in this essay, so many I think you are struggling to get them all down! Keep it simple, make sure everything is explained clearly, structured well and backed up with analysis, and you are on your way to a great essay. Well done! ;D
Post by: Fabulous on April 24, 2016, 08:59:43 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 24, 2016, 11:25:52 pm
Thanks so much for the feedback and your time!!!!
Any time! ;D
Post by: Paigeyy on April 26, 2016, 12:50:42 pm
"In what ways do the perspectives provided in both Lang and Orwell's texts either challenge or preserve our faith in the future of humanity?"
I know I haven't included a conclusion but I was wondering if you could let me know how I'm going so far.
:)
Post by: brontem on April 26, 2016, 12:58:11 pm
thanks so much :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 27, 2016, 12:51:42 am
We're doing Module A (1984 and Metropolis) and the essay question is:
"In what ways do the perspectives provided in both Lang and Orwell's texts either challenge or preserve our faith in the future of humanity?"
I know I haven't included a conclusion but I was wondering if you could let me know how I'm going so far.
:)
Hey Paige! Happy to give you an indicator, I've attached your essay below with a few comments!!
Spoiler
"In what ways do the perspectives provided in both Lang and Orwell's texts either challenge or preserve our faith in the future of humanity?"
While humanity is associated with the collectivism of humankind, it is also attributed to the qualities or behaviours that are unique to humans such as lust, love, generosity and care. I love that you start with this definition! Before you go into texts, maybe link this idea of humanity to textual representation, like "Composers represent this idea in texts", except more sophisticated than that ;) Metropolis (Fritz Lang) is a tale of a dystopia in which the proletarians suffer at the hands of the socioeconomic driven society; exploring the threats of industrialisation and capitalism on a broader, collective civilisation. This is mirrored in the prose fiction novel 1984 (George Orwell) which explores the socio-political oppression of a dystopian society, but rather on a miniscule scale as it follows the narration of Winston, the main character of the novel. These texts have elements that collaborate to both challenge and preserve our faith in the future of humanity through separate aspects of the storylines. Stellar introduction! All I'd say it is missing is a list of what arguments will be used in the essay, but I'd say this is a minor concern, great!
Both 1984 and Metropolis are speculative of the future of humanity as the composers criticise the uprising of media and technologies, and industrialism respectively, and how they have the acute ability to define a society. Awesome conceptualisation! As an idea, you CAN (if you want) identify the concept first, then bring in the texts in a second sentence. In case doing both becomes too long in areas. Orwell uses Big Brother as a motif to represent the total surveillance and exposure inflicted by the government. ‘BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU’ is a recurring statement that Winston uses as his anchor to remain discreet. Be careful: Don't discuss the characters and their choices. This is textual retell. Focus on COMPOSER choices (EG - Orwell's representation of Winston is grounded by_____.".The third person narration acts as a warning for the audience to be wary of the ability of a totalitarian state to control one’s actions through technologies. Cool link to audience! While it is not to such an extreme state, this exact notion has been adapted into Western societies with the prevalence of surveillance cameras and Internet monitoring by the government; as a result, leaving the reader questioning the future of humanity, as Orwell’s speculations are proving true in contemporary times. I adore this tie to contemporary context, it is brilliant. I do think your wording could be stronger though, play with it a bit! Further, be sure your conclusion is a completely separate sentence.
Lang, on the other hand, communicates his fears about the industrial revolution that threatened the nature of humanity, through his film Metropolis. This film has been dubbed “an exact seismic reflex of the flux of psychological and ideological structure of society” as a result of the choreographically rhythmic, and almost hypnotising imagery used to perpetrate his conjectures. Constantly throughout the film, the workers are seen moving in unison with one another in symmetry with the fluctuating music. Lang contrasts these wide-angle shots with close ups of the machinery following the same pattern of synchrony. The juxtaposition of both images creates the ideology of a mergence between man and machine as a result of the rise of technologies and a capitalist society. Beautiful point, try and make it more quickly/succinctly! It's all about word choice. While this theory was an imminent threat to humanity around the time the film was created, efforts have been made to preserve the safety of workers and their basic human rights in contemporary times such as the Safe Work Australia Act 2008. I would say that this is slipping too far into contemporary context; this isn't a legal essay and this feels slightly out of place. I would be saying things like, "Indeed, the issues in the text correspond to contemporary issues in the labour market." Keep the focus on the texts! The emergence of such policies have provided a sense of hope for the future of humanity due to its ability to prevail the dire possibilities of such a significant shift to societies structure. With this paragraph, I think the focus has shifted too far away from the text itself. You have only made really one point about the text itself, try and squeeze more in!
A unique component of the novel 1984 is its resolution, or rather lack of. Conceptualised statement like before? The novel ends with the destruction and implied death of Winston, which was foreshadowed with the statement “Nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres in your skull”. What does this show us? Without explanation and audience impact this is just recount. Throughout the novel Winston clings to his ability to think and feel, which are basic human qualities, but in Part Three he undergoes both physical and psychological torture aimed at controlling and ultimately abolishing his freedom of thought, speech and behaviour. Orwell develops this ideology through a metaphor when O’Brien, a powerful member of the Inner Party, declares, “But we create human nature. Men are infinitely malleable.” Orwell concludes the text with dialogue; “He loved Big Brother.” This anticlimactic experience is used as a warning to Orwell’s audience of the ability of a totalitarian state to manipulate its population with little desire to preserve the humanity in humanity itself; ultimately acting as a cause of concern for humanity’s future existence. Cool!
Conversely, Metropolis uses a conventional resolution to conclude the film. While Lang was concerned for the dehumanisation that would occur as a result of a rise of industrialism, he showed that there is a possible resolve for the socioeconomic conflict evident in society, which is a “mediator between the head and the hands”, “the heart”. This phrase is repeated throughout the film as an intertitle to stress the importance of compassion and empathy as a compromise between the thinkers and the workers. This concept is portrayed in the final scene of the film in which Freder, a visual depiction of “the heart”, is shown encouraging the head worker and Joh Frederson to shake hands and come together. Lang uses the eye level shot, representative of equality, to incorporate a cathartic experience so that viewers of the film are left with hope for the ability of humanity to resolve conflict, as opposed to Orwell who leaves the readers with a sense of doubt. This little comparison at the end is golden, I'd love to see more of this!!
While humanity is associated with the collectivism of humankind, it is also attributed to the qualities or behaviours that are unique to humans such as lust, love, generosity and care. I love that you start with this definition! Before you go into texts, maybe link this idea of humanity to textual representation, like "Composers represent this idea in texts", except more sophisticated than that ;) Metropolis (Fritz Lang) is a tale of a dystopia in which the proletarians suffer at the hands of the socioeconomic driven society; exploring the threats of industrialisation and capitalism on a broader, collective civilisation. This is mirrored in the prose fiction novel 1984 (George Orwell) which explores the socio-political oppression of a dystopian society, but rather on a miniscule scale as it follows the narration of Winston, the main character of the novel. These texts have elements that collaborate to both challenge and preserve our faith in the future of humanity through separate aspects of the storylines. Stellar introduction! All I'd say it is missing is a list of what arguments will be used in the essay, but I'd say this is a minor concern, great!
Both 1984 and Metropolis are speculative of the future of humanity as the composers criticise the uprising of media and technologies, and industrialism respectively, and how they have the acute ability to define a society. Awesome conceptualisation! As an idea, you CAN (if you want) identify the concept first, then bring in the texts in a second sentence. In case doing both becomes too long in areas. Orwell uses Big Brother as a motif to represent the total surveillance and exposure inflicted by the government. ‘BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU’ is a recurring statement that Winston uses as his anchor to remain discreet. Be careful: Don't discuss the characters and their choices. This is textual retell. Focus on COMPOSER choices (EG - Orwell's representation of Winston is grounded by_____.".The third person narration acts as a warning for the audience to be wary of the ability of a totalitarian state to control one’s actions through technologies. Cool link to audience! While it is not to such an extreme state, this exact notion has been adapted into Western societies with the prevalence of surveillance cameras and Internet monitoring by the government; as a result, leaving the reader questioning the future of humanity, as Orwell’s speculations are proving true in contemporary times. I adore this tie to contemporary context, it is brilliant. I do think your wording could be stronger though, play with it a bit! Further, be sure your conclusion is a completely separate sentence.
Lang, on the other hand, communicates his fears about the industrial revolution that threatened the nature of humanity, through his film Metropolis. This film has been dubbed “an exact seismic reflex of the flux of psychological and ideological structure of society” as a result of the choreographically rhythmic, and almost hypnotising imagery used to perpetrate his conjectures. Constantly throughout the film, the workers are seen moving in unison with one another in symmetry with the fluctuating music. Lang contrasts these wide-angle shots with close ups of the machinery following the same pattern of synchrony. The juxtaposition of both images creates the ideology of a mergence between man and machine as a result of the rise of technologies and a capitalist society. Beautiful point, try and make it more quickly/succinctly! It's all about word choice. While this theory was an imminent threat to humanity around the time the film was created, efforts have been made to preserve the safety of workers and their basic human rights in contemporary times such as the Safe Work Australia Act 2008. I would say that this is slipping too far into contemporary context; this isn't a legal essay and this feels slightly out of place. I would be saying things like, "Indeed, the issues in the text correspond to contemporary issues in the labour market." Keep the focus on the texts! The emergence of such policies have provided a sense of hope for the future of humanity due to its ability to prevail the dire possibilities of such a significant shift to societies structure. With this paragraph, I think the focus has shifted too far away from the text itself. You have only made really one point about the text itself, try and squeeze more in!
A unique component of the novel 1984 is its resolution, or rather lack of. Conceptualised statement like before? The novel ends with the destruction and implied death of Winston, which was foreshadowed with the statement “Nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres in your skull”. What does this show us? Without explanation and audience impact this is just recount. Throughout the novel Winston clings to his ability to think and feel, which are basic human qualities, but in Part Three he undergoes both physical and psychological torture aimed at controlling and ultimately abolishing his freedom of thought, speech and behaviour. Orwell develops this ideology through a metaphor when O’Brien, a powerful member of the Inner Party, declares, “But we create human nature. Men are infinitely malleable.” Orwell concludes the text with dialogue; “He loved Big Brother.” This anticlimactic experience is used as a warning to Orwell’s audience of the ability of a totalitarian state to manipulate its population with little desire to preserve the humanity in humanity itself; ultimately acting as a cause of concern for humanity’s future existence. Cool!
Conversely, Metropolis uses a conventional resolution to conclude the film. While Lang was concerned for the dehumanisation that would occur as a result of a rise of industrialism, he showed that there is a possible resolve for the socioeconomic conflict evident in society, which is a “mediator between the head and the hands”, “the heart”. This phrase is repeated throughout the film as an intertitle to stress the importance of compassion and empathy as a compromise between the thinkers and the workers. This concept is portrayed in the final scene of the film in which Freder, a visual depiction of “the heart”, is shown encouraging the head worker and Joh Frederson to shake hands and come together. Lang uses the eye level shot, representative of equality, to incorporate a cathartic experience so that viewers of the film are left with hope for the ability of humanity to resolve conflict, as opposed to Orwell who leaves the readers with a sense of doubt. This little comparison at the end is golden, I'd love to see more of this!!
This essay is really fabulous Paige! Like seriously, there is lots of great things happening in there. I think you have really sophisticated ideas that are explained really well in most spots, your Thesis paragraph is especially incredible. You are tying audience in really well too, something which can be tricky to do, so bravo!!
Changes I'd recommend; the first would be just a more consistent quality of analysis. Remember, you need a TECHNIQUE, EXPLANATION, and an AUDIENCE IMPACT (go to Tea ;)) for every point you make for maximum effect (plus obviously the quote itself). I got the quote in a lot of places, and the explanation in a lot of places, but the techniques could be stronger on the whole (more variety, stronger than just 'dialogue') and the audience impact could be mentioned more often, and a little more "embedded" in the analysis itself, rather than an addition to the paragraph. Also remember, composers do stuff, not characters. Keep the focus on the composer and the textual analysis (possibly taking word count away from your contextual explanation if you need to), and this will immediately propel your work even further skyward.
Also, watch some little things. Proper conclusions for paragraphs, etc. Try to make more comparisons between the texts too, an integrated paragraph structure could help there :) finally, word choice, try to pick powerful words to make your points more succinct!!
Have a read of my thoughts and let me know what you think! Really I am just looking for things to push you further, this is a great essay as it is, but a few little changes would take it to a whole new level ;D hope this helps!! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 27, 2016, 12:53:05 am
Hey!! back with another essay.. like I said (somewhere..) its one of the 3 possible questions. I picked this one because it's a bit hard to write on, and I'd appreciate any feedback!!
thanks so much :)
I've got your essay Brontem, but my brain is yelling at me for marking essays at 1am, so I'll get on this for you tomorrow, I hope it is in time for your exam!! :o
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 27, 2016, 01:16:33 pm
Hey!! back with another essay.. like I said (somewhere..) its one of the 3 possible questions. I picked this one because it's a bit hard to write on, and I'd appreciate any feedback!!
thanks so much :)
Hey Brontem! Good on you for picking the hard one, makes the best practice ;) okay, I've attached your essay below!
Spoiler
How does a study of The Prince provide further insights in to Shakespeare’s exploration of human nature in Julius Caesar?
The political ideologies which undermine the approach to power are directly linked to where an individual decides to delve into human nature.I think your wording here could be stronger! Try nominalisation of your verbs, which for example, would change "individual decides" to "the individuals decision." It puts your writing up a notch! Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar both delve into, and explore all aspects of human nature during the process of gaining power. The Prince totally subverts the upheld religious and political values of Renaissance Florence, Machiavelli advocating the exploitation of the darker side of human nature, employing heavy use of manipulation, deceit and brutality in order to gain the power which one desires. Whilst The Prince focuses heavily on the use of the dark side of human nature, Shakespeare explores both the wholesome and deceitful sides of human nature, and the implications that an individual faces in each situation. Principles which Machiavelli advocates for provide direct links to explain an individual’s actions in Julius Caesar, due to their human nature. I think your ideas in this paragraph are perfect! The wording could perhaps be a little stronger in areas.
The concept that rulers should be morally virtuous reigned heavily in the political decisions which took place in Renaissance Florence. Machiavelli crafted the prince to completely dismiss the moral values, and advocated for the exploitation of the darker side of human nature in the process of making political decisions. I don't feel this short paragraph has a proper place in your essay, perhaps it should be blended with the one below?
Machiavelli endorses delving into the darker side of human nature, placing value on the use of pragmatism and brutality when directing political decisions. Machiavelli subverts the moral values of Renaissance Florence – the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the inherent wholesomeness which was embedded in human nature during the renaissance. Machiavelli is totally divorced from morality and the honesty in human nature; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasises the significance which Machiavelli placed on the brutal and abhorrent side of human nature. Technique? Machiavelli’s fox and hound analogy asserts the view that viciousness and cruelty are embedded within human nature; and that any exploitation of brutality in human nature is acceptable if “the ends justify the means”. Beautiful! Using your quote to explain your idea is superb! Machiavelli, by ignoring the values of his context, was able to explore the darker side of humanity, which assisted in making political decisions effortlessly. Well structured paragraph with good links to context! Stronger techniques would make it better, as would some links to our modern audience interpretation.
In contrast to Machiavelli’s brutality and rejection of morality and ethics, Shakespeare endorses the Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order that held the monarch’s role inviolate. Shakespeare explores both sides of human nature – both the inherent goodness, and evil which can be used in the pursuit of power. Shakespeare however, advocates the use of morality in human nature to preserve a harmonic society. Again, good points, but I feel like they need to be embedded in a paragraph elsewhere or expanded on properly with techniques/explanations!
A potential leader’s ability to make strong political decisions is strongly linked to their adaptation to upheld societal values. Antony in Julius Caesar explores the darkest elements of human nature; being pragmatic, cold and ruthless when it is needed - elements of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Shakespeare's REPRESENTATION of Antony. Antony’s ruthlessness is highlighted by his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his ability to embody the sinister aspects of human nature, where he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. This is reminiscent of Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. Antony's brutality is exemplified in the execution of his nephew and 100 senators, a principle which Machiavelli held to much value; to "eliminate them or destroy them utterly’’. Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective, continuing to use the masses malleability to sway their opinion. Antony’s funeral oratory is his ultimate abuse of the masses naivety; the repetition of “honourable men” when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines and disproves their legitimacy. The integrity in the masses’ human nature is exploited by Antony; Antony’s tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” allow for subliminal suggestion to the masses and cons them into believing Antony’s perspective. Techniques here are much more effective than the previous paragraph, a good variety and solid explanations! Antony gains control of the crowd, the manipulation of their inherent trust emphasised in their monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” supporting Machiavelli’s belief the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning himself within the crowd to allow the crowd to mould to Antony’s personal bias. Antony enriches the Machiavellian principles of exploiting human nature as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Antony’s understanding of human nature and deceptive, cunning abilities make him the ultimate leader as morality can be ignored in political pursuits. This paragraph is great, but it is let down by the fact that you are analysing Antony himself, rather than the character as portrayed by Shakespeare. Everything Antony says and does in that oratory scene is dictated by Shakespeares choices. What do THESE choices show us about your topic? Besides that, techniques are good as is link to context, very strong!
A leader who respects morality, and endorses the ethical aspects of human nature will be subject to difficulties in making political progress. Shakespeare, through Brutus, endorses Elizabethan values of the divinity of the monarch, and advocates the use of acting morally. Good link to context here, perhaps be specific that Shakespeare's context is Elizabethan! Further, Shakespeare wrote these plays specifically for the monarchy, this play actually acts as a warning to Elizabeth as to the dangers of not having a clear successor, as she didn't/ Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied in preserving the decency within human nature; his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” emphasises the value placed on ethical decision making. It is in this sense that Brutus is Machiavelli’s textbook political failure by letting Antony live, a Machiavellian leader would exploit the brutal side of human nature and “pamper people or destroy them”. Brutus’ inherently wholesome use of human nature in political decision making makes him the sound ideal of an Elizabethan ruler. Shakespeare validates the moral features of human nature; the disruption of nature due to political disturbances parallels with the interruption of the overbearing belief in the Natural Order. Brutus as an endorsement of the Elizabethan values and morality in human nature positions him as an inadequate leader; by letting Antony conduct his funeral oratory; he exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that ignoring morality in human nature is essential to being a wise political leader. Morality and the wholesome side of human nature is endorsed by Shakespeare in response to the Elizabethan values; in contrast to the Machiavellian principles which advocate for the rejection of morals and the exploitation of the darker side, and the manipulation of others, human nature. Again, really good inclusion of Machiavellian perceptions, but what do WE as an audience take from this text? I also think some of your sentences here are a tad overbearingly wordy, ensure everything reads succinctly and clearly (super super minor issue).
The political ideologies which undermine the approach to power are directly linked to where an individual decides to delve into human nature.I think your wording here could be stronger! Try nominalisation of your verbs, which for example, would change "individual decides" to "the individuals decision." It puts your writing up a notch! Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar both delve into, and explore all aspects of human nature during the process of gaining power. The Prince totally subverts the upheld religious and political values of Renaissance Florence, Machiavelli advocating the exploitation of the darker side of human nature, employing heavy use of manipulation, deceit and brutality in order to gain the power which one desires. Whilst The Prince focuses heavily on the use of the dark side of human nature, Shakespeare explores both the wholesome and deceitful sides of human nature, and the implications that an individual faces in each situation. Principles which Machiavelli advocates for provide direct links to explain an individual’s actions in Julius Caesar, due to their human nature. I think your ideas in this paragraph are perfect! The wording could perhaps be a little stronger in areas.
The concept that rulers should be morally virtuous reigned heavily in the political decisions which took place in Renaissance Florence. Machiavelli crafted the prince to completely dismiss the moral values, and advocated for the exploitation of the darker side of human nature in the process of making political decisions. I don't feel this short paragraph has a proper place in your essay, perhaps it should be blended with the one below?
Machiavelli endorses delving into the darker side of human nature, placing value on the use of pragmatism and brutality when directing political decisions. Machiavelli subverts the moral values of Renaissance Florence – the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the inherent wholesomeness which was embedded in human nature during the renaissance. Machiavelli is totally divorced from morality and the honesty in human nature; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasises the significance which Machiavelli placed on the brutal and abhorrent side of human nature. Technique? Machiavelli’s fox and hound analogy asserts the view that viciousness and cruelty are embedded within human nature; and that any exploitation of brutality in human nature is acceptable if “the ends justify the means”. Beautiful! Using your quote to explain your idea is superb! Machiavelli, by ignoring the values of his context, was able to explore the darker side of humanity, which assisted in making political decisions effortlessly. Well structured paragraph with good links to context! Stronger techniques would make it better, as would some links to our modern audience interpretation.
In contrast to Machiavelli’s brutality and rejection of morality and ethics, Shakespeare endorses the Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order that held the monarch’s role inviolate. Shakespeare explores both sides of human nature – both the inherent goodness, and evil which can be used in the pursuit of power. Shakespeare however, advocates the use of morality in human nature to preserve a harmonic society. Again, good points, but I feel like they need to be embedded in a paragraph elsewhere or expanded on properly with techniques/explanations!
A potential leader’s ability to make strong political decisions is strongly linked to their adaptation to upheld societal values. Antony in Julius Caesar explores the darkest elements of human nature; being pragmatic, cold and ruthless when it is needed - elements of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Shakespeare's REPRESENTATION of Antony. Antony’s ruthlessness is highlighted by his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his ability to embody the sinister aspects of human nature, where he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. This is reminiscent of Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. Antony's brutality is exemplified in the execution of his nephew and 100 senators, a principle which Machiavelli held to much value; to "eliminate them or destroy them utterly’’. Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective, continuing to use the masses malleability to sway their opinion. Antony’s funeral oratory is his ultimate abuse of the masses naivety; the repetition of “honourable men” when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines and disproves their legitimacy. The integrity in the masses’ human nature is exploited by Antony; Antony’s tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” allow for subliminal suggestion to the masses and cons them into believing Antony’s perspective. Techniques here are much more effective than the previous paragraph, a good variety and solid explanations! Antony gains control of the crowd, the manipulation of their inherent trust emphasised in their monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” supporting Machiavelli’s belief the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning himself within the crowd to allow the crowd to mould to Antony’s personal bias. Antony enriches the Machiavellian principles of exploiting human nature as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Antony’s understanding of human nature and deceptive, cunning abilities make him the ultimate leader as morality can be ignored in political pursuits. This paragraph is great, but it is let down by the fact that you are analysing Antony himself, rather than the character as portrayed by Shakespeare. Everything Antony says and does in that oratory scene is dictated by Shakespeares choices. What do THESE choices show us about your topic? Besides that, techniques are good as is link to context, very strong!
A leader who respects morality, and endorses the ethical aspects of human nature will be subject to difficulties in making political progress. Shakespeare, through Brutus, endorses Elizabethan values of the divinity of the monarch, and advocates the use of acting morally. Good link to context here, perhaps be specific that Shakespeare's context is Elizabethan! Further, Shakespeare wrote these plays specifically for the monarchy, this play actually acts as a warning to Elizabeth as to the dangers of not having a clear successor, as she didn't/ Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied in preserving the decency within human nature; his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” emphasises the value placed on ethical decision making. It is in this sense that Brutus is Machiavelli’s textbook political failure by letting Antony live, a Machiavellian leader would exploit the brutal side of human nature and “pamper people or destroy them”. Brutus’ inherently wholesome use of human nature in political decision making makes him the sound ideal of an Elizabethan ruler. Shakespeare validates the moral features of human nature; the disruption of nature due to political disturbances parallels with the interruption of the overbearing belief in the Natural Order. Brutus as an endorsement of the Elizabethan values and morality in human nature positions him as an inadequate leader; by letting Antony conduct his funeral oratory; he exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that ignoring morality in human nature is essential to being a wise political leader. Morality and the wholesome side of human nature is endorsed by Shakespeare in response to the Elizabethan values; in contrast to the Machiavellian principles which advocate for the rejection of morals and the exploitation of the darker side, and the manipulation of others, human nature. Again, really good inclusion of Machiavellian perceptions, but what do WE as an audience take from this text? I also think some of your sentences here are a tad overbearingly wordy, ensure everything reads succinctly and clearly (super super minor issue).
This essay is great Brontem! It ties in the Machiavellian perspective excellently, your ideas are clever and explored in well structured paragraphs! Some strong techniques and explanations, great stuff!
There are a few comments throughout the essay you might want to have a read of, but primarily, I would say that you might not be addressing the question as effectively as possible. The question asks for how what you learn in the Prince, enhances your insight into The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. I think you should try exploring the two texts TOGETHER a bit more, make comparisons, when you discuss Caesar, link it to parts of the Prince. How do similarities enhance the importance of ideas? How do differences give us new understandings? Discussing the texts together will address the question more directly.
Beyond this, have a read of my comments! There are some areas where techniques can be stronger, I think you need to address the impact on the audience/modern perspective directly, and you do need a conclusion. On the whole though, the core of this essay is fantastic, and if you wrote it in an exam it would definitely perform very well! ;D I hope this feedback helps!!
Post by: brontem on April 27, 2016, 03:08:53 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 28, 2016, 07:21:56 am
Thankyou!! (again haha) I really appreciate (and need) this help :) Thankyou!!
No problem at all! Happy to help ;D
Post by: Paigeyy on May 04, 2016, 02:53:59 pm
I find it difficult to identify techniques in novels, purely because they're so dense with them that I can't pinpoint which ones I should use. I'll try and work on the structure and language too (my vocabulary clearly isn't the strongest... oops).
Post by: Son of Thatcher on May 04, 2016, 08:00:19 pm
I would just like to give a quick update on my Module A essay that I submitted here a few week back.
Just today, our cohort received our marks for this task which was double and then triple-marked. I am pleased to say that I got an 18/20 for my essay, crafted with the advice and feedback of elysepopplewell. I was especially pleased considering how this was apparently in the top tier of responses they marked (the highest was 19). Just a few more things that need polishing like linking/addressing the question more directly and I think I am all set!
Anyway, so I just really wanted to express my deep admiration and appreciation for the quality and helpfulness of the service you guys provide, truly it is really such a confidence booster. A special and heartfelt thanks to elysepopplewell for taking the time to personally mark my essay, you have truly been a real lifesaver! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 04, 2016, 10:50:23 pm
For some reason your response didn't show up until now but thank you so much for you help! I understand that you're trying to push me and I really appreciate that. I'm glad you see potential for this essay.
I find it difficult to identify techniques in novels, purely because they're so dense with them that I can't pinpoint which ones I should use. I'll try and work on the structure and language too (my vocabulary clearly isn't the strongest... oops).
No worries, very happy to help!! In my opinion, I'd totally prefer to be a mean marker on here (and I admit I can be a little harsh at times ;) ) and, as you say, push you to get the highest mark you can! No point on feedback if it's just "Yeah it's pretty good," after all! ;D
The trick with analysing novels is to pick key scenes, important points in the plot. It is these that you should analyse with a bit more depth, since the composer is likely to do clever things with those key points in the novel. Also, remember that language style, textual form, and other more 'general' things also qualify as textual references!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 04, 2016, 10:52:35 pm
Hi guys!
I would just like to give a quick update on my Module A essay that I submitted here a few week back.
Just today, our cohort received our marks for this task which was double and then triple-marked. I am pleased to say that I got an 18/20 for my essay, crafted with the advice and feedback of elysepopplewell. I was especially pleased considering how this was apparently in the top tier of responses they marked (the highest was 19). Just a few more things that need polishing like linking/addressing the question more directly and I think I am all set!
Anyway, so I just really wanted to express my deep admiration and appreciation for the quality and helpfulness of the service you guys provide, truly it is really such a confidence booster. A special and heartfelt thanks to elysepopplewell for taking the time to personally mark my essay, you have truly been a real lifesaver! :)
So happy to hear Son of Thatcher!! Absolutely stoked for you, great work! We really appreciate your kind words, it really sums up why we do the work we do, we love seeing you guys improve and succeed the way we know you can ;D
I know Elyse is taking a well deserved night off this evening, but I'll make sure she drops in to see this when she is back! ;D congratulations again! :D
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 05, 2016, 10:59:01 am
Hi guys!
I would just like to give a quick update on my Module A essay that I submitted here a few week back.
Just today, our cohort received our marks for this task which was double and then triple-marked. I am pleased to say that I got an 18/20 for my essay, crafted with the advice and feedback of elysepopplewell. I was especially pleased considering how this was apparently in the top tier of responses they marked (the highest was 19). Just a few more things that need polishing like linking/addressing the question more directly and I think I am all set!
Anyway, so I just really wanted to express my deep admiration and appreciation for the quality and helpfulness of the service you guys provide, truly it is really such a confidence booster. A special and heartfelt thanks to elysepopplewell for taking the time to personally mark my essay, you have truly been a real lifesaver! :)
You're amazing! Congratulations! I'm super glad that you are happy with your response and the mark you were awarded. It makes us really happy when students tell us how you went with an essay or assessment, and especially when you write so appreciatively (I didn't know that was a word until now - no squiggly line came up so it must be ok :P). Please continue to work hard! Even though we helped, we hardly helped for 5% of what you achieved, that was all you. You researched, wrote, crafted, edited, posted, edited, studied, submitted! ALL YOU!
Keep on keeping on ;)
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 08, 2016, 12:43:38 am
I was wondering if I may have my essay marked :)
I would like to now what parts can be improved and ect please
I will appreciate all advice and feedback
The more the better :D
PS: what is a module?
Post by: caitie145 on May 09, 2016, 11:42:52 am
I was wondering if someone would be able to take a look at my english essay for module B my text is Hamlet. I was hoping if someone would be able to tell me if i'm following the rubric or if this essay is complete garbage, and if there is any thing i can do to improve this particular essay.
Thanks!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 09, 2016, 12:14:06 pm
Hello
I was wondering if I may have my essay marked :)
I would like to now what parts can be improved and ect please
I will appreciate all advice and feedback
The more the better :D
PS: what is a module?
Hey there! A module is simply a section of study for the Year 12 English courses, each focusing on slightly different styles of text and analysis. You won't do them until Year 12 ;D
I've attached your essay below with some feedback!
Spoiler
Analyse how your response to one extended text you have studied (Animal Farm) has been influenced by purpose, context and the use of techniques appropriate to your chosen text type.
One of George Orwell’s most memorable quotes ‘ All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others’ eerily reflects the didactic moral lesson of totalitarianism from the gradual alteration of the ideal Animalism established in the beginning of the fable ‘Animal farm’.I really like that you use a quote here to start yourself off, it works extremely well! I'd like to see you explain the 'moral lesson' a little more clearly, what is the lesson? Orwell’s allegorical, satire fable ‘Animal farm’ is a powerful critique of the dangers and perversion of Socialism in Communist Russia under the dictatorship of Joseph Stalin. Good contextual link. Orwell powerfully illustrates and predominantly shapes the reader’s response towards the dangers of totalitarianism by prompting alertness, awareness and fear. Again, be more specific, this is just slightly vague. These responses are shaped by Orwell’s purpose, language techniques and the context of the Russian Revolution to the dangerous axioms: absolute power corrupts absolutely, language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant and unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety leads to oppression. I feel you need something a little more conclusive to finish this off, mentioning how these axioms are shaped by technique/purpose/context might be better off as a finish?
Orwell’s purpose, language techniques and the incorporation of the context of the Russian Revolution prompts alertness to the danger of tyrannical leaders holding absolute power as foreshadowed by John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton that ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.’ Thanks for referencing the quote, much better! This sentence does flow on a tad though, cut it in half perhaps? ‘Animal Farm’ is the embodiment of Orwell’s passion as a socialist criticising the cruelties of Communism. The inevitability of the corruption of leaders over power is reflected by utilizing the language feature of the cyclic text structure to express this axiom. The cyclic structure of the fable illustrates the repetitive and inevitable cycle of absolute power corrupting the character holding it.This isn't a language feature, it is a structural element, just say, "Cyclic textual structure is utilised by Orwell to..." . Those last two sentences could be synthesised to one in this way. The fablehi-lights highlights Napoleon's gradual corruption as his power in ‘Animal farm’ and similarities to the original human oppressors increases simultaneously; emphasising that power inevitably corrupts. Technique? Through the use of this cyclic structure, the audience comes to realise that power will corrupt inevitably. This is reinforced by our knowledge of the Russian revolution and the alteration of Karl Marx’s original ideal of equality. How? What additional information/meaning does the audience get from this knowledge? What parallels do we draw with the text? Be specific! Orwell also simultaneously and skillfully correlates Napoleon's characterisation and actions to the historical figure Joseph Stalin to emphasise and convey his intent, effectively shaping and positioning our response to be alert to danger that leader’s holding absolute power will be corrupted absolutely. The tyranny of the pigs holding absolute power is emphasised by the onomatopoeia ‘Immediately the dogs bounded forward, seized four of the pigs by the ear and dragged them squealing with terror’ creates a vivid imagery of the abuse of power silencing protest under Stalin’s rule. The use of a technique raises the quality of your analysis substantially. Hence, Orwell uses context and language techniques to alert readers of that absolute power corrupts absolutely. A solid paragraph, but slightly 'waffly,' primarily because you need some more techniques in here. Your discussion of the cyclic structure, for example, takes 4/5 sentences, focus on synthesis and specifics. That said, the stuff you do have techniques and analysis for is superb!
Orwell’s use of language features skillfully conveys how language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant assisted by the systematic violation of the seven commandments demonstrates to the audience that we should be aware of the manipulation of language influenced by the historical context. A fantastic conceptual statement, but it doesn't read quite right, again perhaps split in half? Squealer’s manipulation of language evidently controls others by making the animals on the farm doubt themselves by asking rhetorical questions ‘ Are you certain that this not something that you have dreamed, comrades?Have you any record of such a resolution?’ quells protest and silences the naive and ignorant animals. Careful, be sure to attribute ALL techniques to Orwell. The characters only do what he chooses. Squealer is a master at the manipulation of language and represents propaganda on the farm. Squealer assists Napoleon before and after he assumes absolute power and control of ‘Animal Farm’ represents how Stalin used propaganda to manipulate the proletariats in Russia. Napoleon’s disposition as the leader of the farm correlates to Joseph Stalin’s ascension as Vladimir Lenin successor after chasing Trotsky out of Russia and assassinating him. Orwell also uses the repetition ‘long live’ to capture how language is used to idolise and praise Napoleon as a superior being who is like ‘the sun in the sky’. Through the use of rhetorical questions, repetition and metaphor the audience comes to realise that the manipulation of language to control others is something that we should be aware of and this is only re-enforced by our knowledge of the Russian revolution. This paragraph is better, definitely has a more analytical approach. Again, just watch that the focus is on Orwell, not the characters!
Orwell’s use of language features, is irrefutably reflective of the danger of unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety and positioning the audience to fear the consequences of this danger. Perfect. This is absolutely in line with Orwell’s representational goals, further recited his simplistic language style to allow the reader to concentrate on the lessons he wants us to learn by using simple, uncomplicated language to communicate a clear message. "He wants us to learn" drops your sophistication slightly, try something like "Orwell's intended purpose" or similar. Orwell also seldom uses an emotive tone in the scene where Boxer is taken to his death “A cry of horror burst from all the animals” This scene is particularly heart wrenching considering how Boxer’s hardworking and obedience to the pigs rewarded him betrayal and his death used to buy whiskey. We do not require plot descriptions like this, focus on analysis!! The despair is focused on techniques, you could link these scene (for example) to effective characterisation of Boxer. This particular scene emphasises how Napoleon is personified as the epitome of greed and symbolises the how corruption of socialism in Russia under Stalin the ignorant and naive exploited working class of Russia Boxer personifies. Another language feature is the symbolism of the windmill embodying the pigs' absolute power and manipulation. The naive animals build the windmill thinking it will benefit everyone, and even after it is obvious that it benefits only the pigs, they still persist in their misconception. Again, watch sophistication of language, and remember that plots themselves do not constitute analysis! There must be a technique, the reader is assumed to have read the text!Hence, the danger of unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety is communicated to the reader by Orwell’s use of language features and historical context of the Russian Revolution.
George Orwell’s fable ‘Animal farm’ effectively communicates the dangers of Communism clearly by shaping and positioning the reader response to these towards the dangers of totalitarianism by prompting alertness, awareness and fear. You need something a little more substantial for this conclusion. It should be about one half-two thirds as long as your Thesis. Much of it will be restating what you did in the Thesis, but that is okay, you want to tie everything together.
One of George Orwell’s most memorable quotes ‘ All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others’ eerily reflects the didactic moral lesson of totalitarianism from the gradual alteration of the ideal Animalism established in the beginning of the fable ‘Animal farm’.I really like that you use a quote here to start yourself off, it works extremely well! I'd like to see you explain the 'moral lesson' a little more clearly, what is the lesson? Orwell’s allegorical, satire fable ‘Animal farm’ is a powerful critique of the dangers and perversion of Socialism in Communist Russia under the dictatorship of Joseph Stalin. Good contextual link. Orwell powerfully illustrates and predominantly shapes the reader’s response towards the dangers of totalitarianism by prompting alertness, awareness and fear. Again, be more specific, this is just slightly vague. These responses are shaped by Orwell’s purpose, language techniques and the context of the Russian Revolution to the dangerous axioms: absolute power corrupts absolutely, language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant and unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety leads to oppression. I feel you need something a little more conclusive to finish this off, mentioning how these axioms are shaped by technique/purpose/context might be better off as a finish?
Orwell’s purpose, language techniques and the incorporation of the context of the Russian Revolution prompts alertness to the danger of tyrannical leaders holding absolute power as foreshadowed by John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton that ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.’ Thanks for referencing the quote, much better! This sentence does flow on a tad though, cut it in half perhaps? ‘Animal Farm’ is the embodiment of Orwell’s passion as a socialist criticising the cruelties of Communism. The inevitability of the corruption of leaders over power is reflected by utilizing the language feature of the cyclic text structure to express this axiom. The cyclic structure of the fable illustrates the repetitive and inevitable cycle of absolute power corrupting the character holding it.This isn't a language feature, it is a structural element, just say, "Cyclic textual structure is utilised by Orwell to..." . Those last two sentences could be synthesised to one in this way. The fable
Orwell’s use of language features skillfully conveys how language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant assisted by the systematic violation of the seven commandments demonstrates to the audience that we should be aware of the manipulation of language influenced by the historical context. A fantastic conceptual statement, but it doesn't read quite right, again perhaps split in half? Squealer’s manipulation of language evidently controls others by making the animals on the farm doubt themselves by asking rhetorical questions ‘ Are you certain that this not something that you have dreamed, comrades?Have you any record of such a resolution?’ quells protest and silences the naive and ignorant animals. Careful, be sure to attribute ALL techniques to Orwell. The characters only do what he chooses. Squealer is a master at the manipulation of language and represents propaganda on the farm. Squealer assists Napoleon before and after he assumes absolute power and control of ‘Animal Farm’ represents how Stalin used propaganda to manipulate the proletariats in Russia. Napoleon’s disposition as the leader of the farm correlates to Joseph Stalin’s ascension as Vladimir Lenin successor after chasing Trotsky out of Russia and assassinating him. Orwell also uses the repetition ‘long live’ to capture how language is used to idolise and praise Napoleon as a superior being who is like ‘the sun in the sky’. Through the use of rhetorical questions, repetition and metaphor the audience comes to realise that the manipulation of language to control others is something that we should be aware of and this is only re-enforced by our knowledge of the Russian revolution. This paragraph is better, definitely has a more analytical approach. Again, just watch that the focus is on Orwell, not the characters!
Orwell’s use of language features, is irrefutably reflective of the danger of unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety and positioning the audience to fear the consequences of this danger. Perfect. This is absolutely in line with Orwell’s representational goals, further recited his simplistic language style to allow the reader to concentrate on the lessons he wants us to learn by using simple, uncomplicated language to communicate a clear message. "He wants us to learn" drops your sophistication slightly, try something like "Orwell's intended purpose" or similar. Orwell also seldom uses an emotive tone in the scene where Boxer is taken to his death “A cry of horror burst from all the animals” This scene is particularly heart wrenching considering how Boxer’s hardworking and obedience to the pigs rewarded him betrayal and his death used to buy whiskey. We do not require plot descriptions like this, focus on analysis!! The despair is focused on techniques, you could link these scene (for example) to effective characterisation of Boxer. This particular scene emphasises how Napoleon is personified as the epitome of greed and symbolises the how corruption of socialism in Russia under Stalin the ignorant and naive exploited working class of Russia Boxer personifies. Another language feature is the symbolism of the windmill embodying the pigs' absolute power and manipulation. The naive animals build the windmill thinking it will benefit everyone, and even after it is obvious that it benefits only the pigs, they still persist in their misconception. Again, watch sophistication of language, and remember that plots themselves do not constitute analysis! There must be a technique, the reader is assumed to have read the text!Hence, the danger of unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety is communicated to the reader by Orwell’s use of language features and historical context of the Russian Revolution.
George Orwell’s fable ‘Animal farm’ effectively communicates the dangers of Communism clearly by shaping and positioning the reader response to these towards the dangers of totalitarianism by prompting alertness, awareness and fear. You need something a little more substantial for this conclusion. It should be about one half-two thirds as long as your Thesis. Much of it will be restating what you did in the Thesis, but that is okay, you want to tie everything together.
Great job anotherworld, this has got some incredible stuff in it!! I particularly love your conceptual drive (your Thesis is gold), and you link to context and purpose frequently and effectively. The analysis you do is reasonably effective as well, so this is great!!
Have a read of my comments, I will give you two main things to work on:
- Try and get a bigger focus on techniques. Remember, English is about (on the whole) exploring how composers use techniques to create meaning (for various purposes). Retelling the plot does not constitute a technique and lowers your level of analysis. When you want to mention the plot, instead think, what technique has been used that makes me think of the plot? Have I become attached to a character? Why? These more personal opinions (still framed objectively as you have been doing though!) will add that unique element to your analysis and, essentially, cover the audience impact aspect of your analysis (which you have done really well already!
- To make room for more techniques, try to synthesise your paragraphs. There were areas where you spend quite a few sentences discussing a single technique/idea. While a single EXAMPLE can be explained in multiple sentences, each sentence should have a new technique, a new idea, something new that the audience gets from the quote. Making your writing succinct is tricky, and not totally essential if you are a fast writer, but it would definitely improve the sophistication of your argument.
I realise I've written a whole lot of improvement stuff here, but don't let that deceive you, this is a great essay!! I think it just needs a bit more development, the representation of ideas a little more polish, and the analysis a little fine-tuning, to really make it incredible ;D great work!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 09, 2016, 07:04:48 pm
Hi !
I was wondering if someone would be able to take a look at my english essay for module B my text is Hamlet. I was hoping if someone would be able to tell me if i'm following the rubric or if this essay is complete garbage, and if there is any thing i can do to improve this particular essay.
Thanks!
Hey Caitie! Welcome to the forums! I've attached your essay below with some comments throughout:
Spoiler
Through its portrayal of human experience, Shakespeare’s Hamlet reinforces the significance of loyalty.
To what extent does your interpretation of Hamlet support this view? (HSC Q3 2009)
Hamlet a Shakespearian revenge tragedy was written between 1599-1601 and first performed in 1602 is a play set in Denmark revolving around the royal family. However along with the families of Denmark a family of Norway is also followed in the play. Try to start your essay with something more conceptual. Since your essay is character based, perhaps something about how composers use characters as vessels to portray their views of human experience? Through its portrayal of human experience, Shakespeare’s Hamlet reinforces the significance of loyalty through the manipulation of the characters Hamlet, Laertes and Fortinbras all focused on the same target of revenge. This introduction needs less plot detail (plot details are actually not necessary for essays like this) and more conceptual explanations.
The character Hamlet is portrayed by Shakespeare as complicated and confused with what is happening around him and how to cope with it. Again, try to take a step back from the text before you get into specifics. "Composers often portray characters favourably in order to praise certain qualities of the human experience. Such is achieved by Shakespeare in his portrayal of Hamlet, which..." Or something similar (that doesn't really work by itself). Hamlets loyalty lies with his murdered father which becomes evident from Act One Scene Four with the appearance of the ghost to Hamlet. Technique? “My fate cries out” the use of foreshadow provides insight to the ending of the play where Hamlet fatally dies from poison, stemming back to the plot of the play which centres around Hamlet’s loyalty to his father’s ghost. Good use of technique! Now, what does this show about the human experience? That's the next step in developing your analysis. The ghost persisted in reminding Hamlet it is his duty as his son to revenge his murder “This visitation is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose” the dramatic effect of the ghost appearing only to Hamlet to remind him of the revenge that needs to take place creates an image that Hamlet has indeed turned mad as Gertrude can not see it. Finally after much thought and contemplation Hamlet puts his loyalty into action as he kills Claudius ‘Here, thou incestuous murderer, damned Dane, drink off this potion”. The dramatic irony of Claudius being poisoned just as he poisoned his brother (the King) completes Hamlet’s revenge and therefore proving his loyalty to his father. Through the portrayal of the character Hamlet’s human experience there is a reinforcement of the significance of loyalty which proved to be true throughout the Hamlet. While you conclude effectively, you haven't explicitly stated how TECHNIQUES are used to portray the significance of loyalty, which is where your focus should be. Right now, you are mostly using plot descriptions, techniques must accompany every example and that is where your focus should lie!
Laertes character involvement in the play is minimal until the death of his father and then his sister. See above, try being more conceptual to start, and you don't need plot description. You can absolutely assume that the reader has read your text (and indeed, a HSC marker will have). Supply only the plot details you need to explain your point, any description of plot should accompany some sort of technique or textual feature. Laertes loyalty lies with his father’s murder much alike Hamlets character. The language used by Laertes displays the respect and loyalty he feels towards his father “Most humbly do I take my leave my Lord” it is evident from the adjective ‘humbly’ that Laertes honours his father and will stay loyal to him throughout his time in France.What does this show about the human experience? What does the audience learn? Laertes unlike Hamlet is more impulsive and takes no time to think about his actions. “Let come what comes, only I’ll be revenged most thoroughly for my father” Laertes contradicts himself by saying what happens, happens but he takes control of what happens by agreeing to fence in a duel with Hamlet as a means to kill him and revenge and display loyalty to his father. Technique? Laertes human experience from France supports him in the duel. Although ending in his death his vowel to avenge his father resinates with the strong sense of the significance of loyalty. “To cut his throat I’ th’ church” It does end with him killing Hamlet but not the way he expected. Before the duel the sword that Laertes uses is dipped in poison, even a scratch would kill Hamlet. The vow emphasises the extreme actions Laertes is willing to go to to prove his loyalty to his father. Through the portrayal of human experience throughout Shakespeare’s Hamlet the significance of loyalty that the character Laertes demonstrates reinforces the strong sense of loyalty as supported by the father son bond. This paragraph has slipped heavily into recount, you are retelling the story and using it to prove your ideas. This does not work as effectively as techniques. Try to always highlight techniques Shakespeare has used to create meaning.
The final character who displays true loyalty is Fortinbras. Much like Hamlet and Laertes Fortinbras seeks revenge for his father’s death however he was not murdered in cold blood but challenged to a duel with the agreement that it would be to the death. Fortinbras father was killed by Hamlets father who then conquered the land and took it for himself. Fortinbras seeked to get the land back through battle. Although Fortinbras does not appear until the end of the play he is references throughout which informs the audience of his intensions “Young Fortinbras, holding a weak supposal of our worth or thinking by our late dear brother’s death our state to be disjointed and out of fame”. The ironic speech presented by Claudius states that Denmark is not ‘disjointed’ however as soon as the murder of his brother took place something changed and everyone in Denmark could sense it. Claudius indents to inform Fortinbras’ uncle of Fortinbras intentions to revenge his father and prove his loyalty. At the end of the play after the death of Hamlet, Laertes, Gertrude and Claudius Fortinbras returns from Poland and displays new intensions to have a claim on Denmark once more “I have some rights of memory in this kingdom” foreshadowing his intent to claim it as his. It is also ironic as it was his original plan but it worked out and he did end up displaying loyalty to his father by claiming to have rights to the land. Through the portrayal of human experience the character Fortinbras is manipulated by Shakespeare to be loyal to his father with his secret plans of war but getting rights to the land regardless showing the significance of his loyalty not only to his father but also his uncle’s wishes. Much the same comments as above!
Through its portrayal of human experience, Shakespeare’s Hamlet reinforces the significance of loyalty. This is proved true through the characters Hamlet, Laertes and Fortinbras who all focus on the same goal of revenge. Try to develop a richer conclusion here, it should be 3-4 solid sentences long, about one half-two thirds as large as your Thesis! This will come through developing a stronger conceptual focus.
To what extent does your interpretation of Hamlet support this view? (HSC Q3 2009)
Hamlet a Shakespearian revenge tragedy was written between 1599-1601 and first performed in 1602 is a play set in Denmark revolving around the royal family. However along with the families of Denmark a family of Norway is also followed in the play. Try to start your essay with something more conceptual. Since your essay is character based, perhaps something about how composers use characters as vessels to portray their views of human experience? Through its portrayal of human experience, Shakespeare’s Hamlet reinforces the significance of loyalty through the manipulation of the characters Hamlet, Laertes and Fortinbras all focused on the same target of revenge. This introduction needs less plot detail (plot details are actually not necessary for essays like this) and more conceptual explanations.
The character Hamlet is portrayed by Shakespeare as complicated and confused with what is happening around him and how to cope with it. Again, try to take a step back from the text before you get into specifics. "Composers often portray characters favourably in order to praise certain qualities of the human experience. Such is achieved by Shakespeare in his portrayal of Hamlet, which..." Or something similar (that doesn't really work by itself). Hamlets loyalty lies with his murdered father which becomes evident from Act One Scene Four with the appearance of the ghost to Hamlet. Technique? “My fate cries out” the use of foreshadow provides insight to the ending of the play where Hamlet fatally dies from poison, stemming back to the plot of the play which centres around Hamlet’s loyalty to his father’s ghost. Good use of technique! Now, what does this show about the human experience? That's the next step in developing your analysis. The ghost persisted in reminding Hamlet it is his duty as his son to revenge his murder “This visitation is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose” the dramatic effect of the ghost appearing only to Hamlet to remind him of the revenge that needs to take place creates an image that Hamlet has indeed turned mad as Gertrude can not see it. Finally after much thought and contemplation Hamlet puts his loyalty into action as he kills Claudius ‘Here, thou incestuous murderer, damned Dane, drink off this potion”. The dramatic irony of Claudius being poisoned just as he poisoned his brother (the King) completes Hamlet’s revenge and therefore proving his loyalty to his father. Through the portrayal of the character Hamlet’s human experience there is a reinforcement of the significance of loyalty which proved to be true throughout the Hamlet. While you conclude effectively, you haven't explicitly stated how TECHNIQUES are used to portray the significance of loyalty, which is where your focus should be. Right now, you are mostly using plot descriptions, techniques must accompany every example and that is where your focus should lie!
Laertes character involvement in the play is minimal until the death of his father and then his sister. See above, try being more conceptual to start, and you don't need plot description. You can absolutely assume that the reader has read your text (and indeed, a HSC marker will have). Supply only the plot details you need to explain your point, any description of plot should accompany some sort of technique or textual feature. Laertes loyalty lies with his father’s murder much alike Hamlets character. The language used by Laertes displays the respect and loyalty he feels towards his father “Most humbly do I take my leave my Lord” it is evident from the adjective ‘humbly’ that Laertes honours his father and will stay loyal to him throughout his time in France.What does this show about the human experience? What does the audience learn? Laertes unlike Hamlet is more impulsive and takes no time to think about his actions. “Let come what comes, only I’ll be revenged most thoroughly for my father” Laertes contradicts himself by saying what happens, happens but he takes control of what happens by agreeing to fence in a duel with Hamlet as a means to kill him and revenge and display loyalty to his father. Technique? Laertes human experience from France supports him in the duel. Although ending in his death his vowel to avenge his father resinates with the strong sense of the significance of loyalty. “To cut his throat I’ th’ church” It does end with him killing Hamlet but not the way he expected. Before the duel the sword that Laertes uses is dipped in poison, even a scratch would kill Hamlet. The vow emphasises the extreme actions Laertes is willing to go to to prove his loyalty to his father. Through the portrayal of human experience throughout Shakespeare’s Hamlet the significance of loyalty that the character Laertes demonstrates reinforces the strong sense of loyalty as supported by the father son bond. This paragraph has slipped heavily into recount, you are retelling the story and using it to prove your ideas. This does not work as effectively as techniques. Try to always highlight techniques Shakespeare has used to create meaning.
The final character who displays true loyalty is Fortinbras. Much like Hamlet and Laertes Fortinbras seeks revenge for his father’s death however he was not murdered in cold blood but challenged to a duel with the agreement that it would be to the death. Fortinbras father was killed by Hamlets father who then conquered the land and took it for himself. Fortinbras seeked to get the land back through battle. Although Fortinbras does not appear until the end of the play he is references throughout which informs the audience of his intensions “Young Fortinbras, holding a weak supposal of our worth or thinking by our late dear brother’s death our state to be disjointed and out of fame”. The ironic speech presented by Claudius states that Denmark is not ‘disjointed’ however as soon as the murder of his brother took place something changed and everyone in Denmark could sense it. Claudius indents to inform Fortinbras’ uncle of Fortinbras intentions to revenge his father and prove his loyalty. At the end of the play after the death of Hamlet, Laertes, Gertrude and Claudius Fortinbras returns from Poland and displays new intensions to have a claim on Denmark once more “I have some rights of memory in this kingdom” foreshadowing his intent to claim it as his. It is also ironic as it was his original plan but it worked out and he did end up displaying loyalty to his father by claiming to have rights to the land. Through the portrayal of human experience the character Fortinbras is manipulated by Shakespeare to be loyal to his father with his secret plans of war but getting rights to the land regardless showing the significance of his loyalty not only to his father but also his uncle’s wishes. Much the same comments as above!
Through its portrayal of human experience, Shakespeare’s Hamlet reinforces the significance of loyalty. This is proved true through the characters Hamlet, Laertes and Fortinbras who all focus on the same goal of revenge. Try to develop a richer conclusion here, it should be 3-4 solid sentences long, about one half-two thirds as large as your Thesis! This will come through developing a stronger conceptual focus.
This is the start of a really cool essay Caitlin! I really like how each paragraph focuses on a character, that is quite unique and suits the question really well, I really like it!! I think there is two things you can do to really get this essay working well for you.
The first is to develop a more fully realised Thesis and conceptual basis. Let me quote the syllabus for Module B:
A single text study – the evaluation of ideas and expression.
The idea of this module is to evaluate how well ideas are expressed through the choices of the composer. This is reflected in your question, "To what extent" (judgement). You need to judge how well an IDEA is represented in the text, and it is this idea that, along with your judgement, should form the focus of your essay. Yours is almost self constructing based on your essay, something about characters being used as tools by a composer to effectively (or ineffectively, make YOUR judgement) convey attitudes towards human qualities, like loyalty (or you may choose to focus entirely on the human experience of loyalty).
I think having a read of this article I wrote on how to structure a HSC essay around a central Thesis like this (which is sort of important in other subjects, but is really most important for English Advanced), might help you get an idea of how to integrate this Thesis throughout your essay once you have it.
The second is a little simpler, and that is basically more techniques! You can assume that the reader/marker has read your text, and for the HSC, they will have. You don't need to recount plot elements for them. You need to show specific examples of techniques Shakespeare has used (similes, metaphors, props, stage direction, mise-en-scene, etc) to create meaning and portray some idea about the human experience. Once you've shown them, your job is to explain what they tell us about human experience (that's your interpretation coming into play), and then how well it is done (your judgement). Don't always go straight to "effectively" or other positive evaluation, essays which critique and criticise the texts just a little bit are unique and can perform really well!
I hope this breakdown helps you a little!! ;D
PS - I totally forgot that, since it is so popular, this thread has a minimum requirement of 5 posts on ATAR Notes to get feedback. If you want some advice on another essay, you'll just need to hang around other parts of the site, ask questions, say hi, etc, and build your post count up. It doesn't take long at all ;D
Post by: lha on May 09, 2016, 07:37:37 pm
This is my mod b speech on hamlet. The question given is: "hamlet explores how unexpected challenges shape identity in a changing world. To what extent does your interpretation align with this view." Attached is my speech. If you ould tell me if I have answered the question and if my interpretation/theory is good enough, that would be great. Thank you!
P.S. ignore the comments attached to my document.
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 09, 2016, 07:53:43 pm
I wasn't honestly at all confident or proud of my essay. But now I feel thatI did better than I thought :D
I also wanted to ask I'm still kind of confused on how to tie up the conclusion. DX
I was also wondering if you can give your opinion on how well you think I engaged with the question and the context, purpose and techniques as well as my expression, structure so I can see where I can improve further.
Sorry for asking so many questions :O
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 10, 2016, 11:26:54 pm
Hi,
This is my mod b speech on hamlet. The question given is: "hamlet explores how unexpected challenges shape identity in a changing world. To what extent does your interpretation align with this view." Attached is my speech. If you ould tell me if I have answered the question and if my interpretation/theory is good enough, that would be great. Thank you!
P.S. ignore the comments attached to my document.
Hey there Iha!! No worries, I've had a read and I'd be happy to give you some feedback!!
For future reference, this forum does have a minimum 5 post requirement to get feedback, due to its popularity. However, I can't really do a normal paragraph by paragraph analysis of this like I would an essay anyway, so I'm happy to make an exception (though I really need to stop making exceptions at some point) ;) you are at 3 posts, so if you reply to this post saying thanks, then the next time you post something to this forum it will be your 5th post, all set! ;)
Okay! Formalities over and done! Feedback inbound 8)
- I'm immediately super impressed with the style of the speech. Sophisticated, yet slightly colloquial to suit the context, its really nice, a good balance!
- I think your concept is introduced in a very interesting way and is explained really well! Good use of rhetorical question. However, I think you have been slightly vague on linking the unexpected challenge of death to the notion of human identity, try elaborating a bit more. Exactly what is the connection you are going to be exploring.
- I would ditch statements like "According to my interpretation." For me, that is implied.
- Getting into the start of your analysis, I immediately notice that there is no technique. Although this is a speech, including a technique or more with every quote is still absolutely essential.
- The rest of that first bit though is really quite effective! The suggestion I would make is to ensure that the focus is on Shakespeare's choices for REPRESENTING the characters, not the characters themselves. I would also suggest that you try and blend the techniques and analysis WITH your conceptual explanations in the following section. It is more powerful in that sense.
- You can remove the definition of nihilism and just write the word, or at least make the definition more simple. Use word choice to your advantage.
- As you progress, you are slipping into plot retell (EG - "Hamlet has the best chance he will ever have..."). You do not need to retell the plot in this manner. Now this is a speech, and I realise that you doing so here plays a bit of rhetoric role, but still be careful. The focus must be on techniques and explaining what they do to influence your interpretation.
In general, I think you have interpreted the question really cleverly and correctly, you've chosen a cool route to go down!! However, I don't think you've backed up your chosen idea (Death and Identity) as effectively as you could, and this is primarily because of the lack of analysis. You need to move your focus away from explanations of the plot, and focus completely on techniques and representational decisions made by Shakespeare, and how they show you something about Death and Identity. Rather than retelling a scene (as in the 2nd last paragraph) and explaining how it shows your idea, show how TECHNIQUES have done it. This will let you make the links more clear and, thus, let you answer the question more effectively.
Also, "to what extent" implies that you must make a judgement. Has Shakespeare been effective with his choices? Has he effectively communicated the ideas on death and identity that you claim he is wanting to convey? These sorts of evaluative statements are the final step to engaging with the question ;D
I hope this feedback helps!! Feel free to let me know if anything needs qualification! Or of course post a revised version for some more feedback, remember, just another couple of posts to meet the requirement ;)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 11, 2016, 01:42:26 am
Thank you so much for your advice and comments jamonwindeyer
I wasn't honestly at all confident or proud of my essay. But now I feel thatI did better than I thought :D
I also wanted to ask I'm still kind of confused on how to tie up the conclusion. DX
I was also wondering if you can give your opinion on how well you think I engaged with the question and the context, purpose and techniques as well as my expression, structure so I can see where I can improve further.
Sorry for asking so many questions :O
Hey another world!! You are most welcome, stop saying sorry for asking questions! I had a read of your revised version for you and have a few comments!
In terms of analysis, this is much more effective. It has a much stronger focus on techniques, you are spending less time on the plot and giving this instead to an analysis of Orwell's choices, great!
I think your Thesis still needs extrapolation, exactly WHAT are the dangers of totalitarianism? Be VERY specific and detailed with your Thesis, it drives the whole thing. Same goes for your conclusion, you need something a little "meatier."
Again, remember to focus on Orwell. As soon as you start to say "the characters did this", you are slipping into retelling/recounting the text (not effective for analysis) and shifting focus from the conceptual idea you are representing.
In some sections, you need more direct textual references. Just saying "characterisation" for example doesn't cut it. Quote? Technique?
I'm a little unsure about the wording of your conceptual statements, it isn't Orwell's use of language that is reflective of that idea, Orwell's use of language allows him to REPRESENT that idea. Slight difference with a big impact on the argument.
Finally, there are areas where your wording is quite roundabout, and you take a long sentence to say something quite simple. For example:
This knowledge amplifies the audience’s alertness to draw parallels and correlate additional information and meaning provided by Orwell to the reality of corruption prevalent in the world today.
This can be modified to the following without changing any meaning:
Our modern context of 'back room politics' enhances Orwell's exploration of corruption.
Much simpler, and it says the exact same thing (if you rearranged the sentence before it a little as well, and I narrowed the scope a little). It's all about clever word choice, don't use 30 words to say what can be said in 12. This also creates some sentences which are too long and perhaps not properly punctuated. Here is an idea; most computers have built in dictation functionality. Through this or some other means, have a computer read your essay to you. The computer takes it literally; it won't pause unless you tell it too with a comma or a full stop. Listen to sentences which seem to go on too long without a pause and see what you can do to fix that.
This essay is definitely a big improvement!! Still some things to work on, but great stuff!! ;D
Post by: lha on May 11, 2016, 02:01:02 am
Post by: lha on May 11, 2016, 02:02:20 am
Post by: wesadora on May 11, 2016, 06:25:15 pm
Hey there! I hope this isn't too late! I will just touch on minor things that can be easily fixed so that if you read this before your exam, you have the ability to make changes (if any)!
Original:SpoilerIn what ways does a comparative study of Richard III and Looking for Richard enhance your appreciation of how context affects form and values?
In a time shaped by conservative providentialism, Shakespeare’s sixteenth century historical tragedy King Richard III challenges the values of his era through the representation of the villainous character of Richard. Contrastingly, Al Pacino takes a different approach towards interpreting the character of Richard in his docudrama Looking for Richard (1992) as he utilises film form to effectively convey Shakespearean values and meaning to a postmodern audience. Points of contrast and connections between the two texts can be drawn when exploring key values such as religious worldviews, ambition, power and authority. The different applications of these values are thus demonstrated through the two composers’ unique use of form, evident when considering the dichotomy of two, distinct contextual interests.
The religious tension between providentialism and determinism within the Elizabethan era’s religious contextual influence is evident in Shakespeare’s work, although Pacino’s text places greater focus on the role of the individual. Shakespeare’s Richard often uses theatrical, religious imagery to construct a righteous appearance for the common population. He appears before the citizens with theatrical symbols such as “a book of prayer in his hand” to align his appearance with righteous Christian values. Furthermore, Richard’s association with humanistic beliefs is evident when he admittedly recognizes he is unsuited to a peacetime life in Act I. He says, “But I am not shaped for sportive tricks, and so I am determined to prove a villain”. This paradoxical pun epitomises the aforementioned conflict between beliefs by Richard’s double entendre of ‘determined’. Shakespeare uses this to pose two possibilities that Richard is either motivated to act a villain out of personal interests, or is divinely preordered to do so. This tension is in direct contrast in Pacino’s Looking for Richard, which aims to engage a secular audience. Supernatural elements from the play are abandoned, such as the ghost scene in Act V in favour of exploring Richard’s psychological, human struggle. Instead, Richard is haunted by memories of his past. Intercutting scenes between rehearsal footage and dramatised performance serves to represent his split identity crisis. Furthermore, rapid montage to superimpose his villainous deeds is coupled with repetitive voiceovers of “despair and die”. Pacino thus rejects the play’s equal religious parallelism between the curse, “despair and die” and blessing, “live and flourish”, favouring determinism in which Richard’s final destiny is self-inflicted rather than preordained. Pacino uses his unique hybrid of film form to dwell upon Richard’s human power to construct his own destiny, marginalising the tension between Elizabethan religious values explored by Shakespeare.
These differences in religious contexts also affect the representation of ambition and power, contrasting the nature of Richard’s ascension and downfall between the two texts. The play’s core structure is characterised with the rising action of Richard utilising cunning deception to gain accession to the throne in the first three acts. He constructs a humble appearance to persuade others he is deserving of the throne: for example, he insists, “your love deserves my thanks, but desert unmeritable shuns your high request”. The pure Machiavellian deception takes advantage of reverse psychology to trick the common citizens. However, in Acts IV and V his customary eloquence deserts him; his hamartia apparent by this stage as is the case for Shakespearean tragedy plays. He says, “Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am”. The nonsensical anthypophora and disruption of rhythm breaks Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter to signify his loss of power. On the contrary, twentieth-century knowledge regarding psychology shapes Pacino’s interpretation of the text, particularly in the final act as Richard’s subterfuge lingers through filmic elements. Intercutting the uninteresting low eye-level, static frame of Richmond’s prayer with the handheld camera movement and low-angle shot of Richard’s oration displays his strong ambition and charismatic personality, even in the final scenes. His dynamic oration is further amplified, interspersed with a montage of vivid battle scenes complemented with sudden red and white flashes to uphold Richard’s longstanding power during the final scenes as the dramatic crux of the film. Thus, the different way in which both composers portray the longevity of Richard’s villainous character represents their interpretation and interests regarding ambition and power.
The influence of these previously discussed conservative Elizabethan values is evident in Shakespeare’s hyperbolic portrayal of Richard’s villainous nature compared to Pacino’s artistic freedom to communicate the play’s core values how he pleases. Shakespeare’s vilification of Richard seems logical as he is obligated to support the Tudor Myth and the Divine Right of Kings. Therefore, he portrays Richard to inherit the role of an alien to society from the outset of the play. The opening lines, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York” throw off the form of verse with trochaic inversion, going against iambic pentameter; one of Shakespeare’s most ingrained language devices. Richard is shown to be a unique and corrupt character in this sense. The essence of his corruption is also communicated being described as “deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Unpleasant images of physical deformity justify Richard’s corruption as a consequence of his villainous nature and usurpation of the throne later on. However, Pacino is not restricted by religious and superstitious values and so exercises an egalitarian approach towards ‘organically’ communicating Shakespeare’s core values. His work is a deliberate pastiche of ‘behind-the-scenes’ rehearsals, vox pops, interviews, commentary and dramatised segments. For example, cutting between the vox pop of an African-American man’s profound statements that “Shakespeare instructed us [to feel]” and nonsensical pronouncements of educated actors regarding the “iambic pentameter of the soul”. This intentional juxtaposition exemplifies the wide appeal of Shakespeare Pacino is encouraging. In valuing the process of exploring the play rather than the finished product, Pacino even undercuts the villainous nature of Richard at times. The film itself ends by diminishing the seriousness of Richard’s death by cutting to an organic, unedited handheld camera shot of Pacino dying on a staircase. The villainy of Richard and exploration of Shakespearean values in these two texts is a product of the composers’ purpose.
Varying contexts of two distinctly different eras evidently shape Shakespeare’s and Pacino’s representation of Richard. Values concerning religion, power, villainy and authority are communicated through the appropriate textual and filmic forms necessary. The variety of form and structure is evident in the way these two composers thus place their chosen focus on certain aspects of the play according to common worldviews within their respective context.
With my writing in bold:SpoilerIn what ways does a comparative study of Richard III and Looking for Richard enhance your appreciation of how context affects form and values?
In a time shaped by conservative providentialism, Shakespeare’s sixteenth century historical tragedy King Richard III challenges the values of his era through the representation of the villainous character of Richard. Super informative, super good!)Contrastingly, Al Pacino takes a different approach towards interpreting the character of Richard in his docudrama Looking for Richard (1992) as he utilises film form to effectively convey Shakespearean values and meaning to a postmodern audience. Points of contrast and connections between the two texts can be drawn when exploring key values such as religious worldviews, ambition, power and authority. The different applications of these values are thus demonstrated through the two composers’ unique use of form, evident when considering the dichotomy of two, distinct contextual interests. In here, I would probably define the context-value connection in Shakespeare a little more. Talk about the current monarch, the need to flatter it, providentialism, etc. All of these things will form the basis of what you contrast too. It only needs to be touched on here and fleshed out later. Either way, this is a solid introduction, don't fret. But that is something I suggest!
The religious tension between providentialism and determinism within the Elizabethan era’s religious contextual influence is evident in Shakespeare’s work, although Pacino’s text places greater focus on the role of the individual rather than a deity? predetermination? Your marker will know what you mean, but you want to be super explicit.. Shakespeare’s Richard often uses theatrical, religious imagery to construct a righteous appearance for the common population. He appears before the citizens with theatrical symbols such as “a book of prayer in his hand” to align his appearance with righteous Christian values. Wonderful! Furthermore, Richard’s association with humanistic beliefs is evident when he admittedly recognizes he is unsuited to a peacetime life in Act I. He says, “But I am not shaped for sportive tricks, and so I am determined to prove a villain”. This paradoxical pun epitomises the aforementioned conflict between beliefs by Richard’s double entendre of ‘determined’. Shakespeare uses this to pose two possibilities that Richard is either motivated to act a villain out of personal interests, or is divinely preordered to do so. This tension is in direct contrast in Pacino’s Looking for Richard, which aims to engage a secular audience. Supernatural elements from the play are abandoned, such as the ghost scene in Act V in favour of exploring Richard’s psychological, human struggle. Instead, Richard is haunted by memories of his past. Intercutting scenes between rehearsal footage and dramatised performance serves to represent his split identity crisis. Furthermore, rapid montage to superimpose his villainous deeds is coupled with repetitive voiceovers of “despair and die”. Pacino thus rejects the play’s equal religious parallelism between the curse, “despair and die” and blessing, “live and flourish”, favouring determinism in which Richard’s final destiny is self-inflicted rather than preordained. Pacino uses his unique hybrid of film form to dwell upon Richard’s human power to construct his own destiny, marginalising the tension between Elizabethan religious values explored by Shakespeare. At the start of this paragraph, I would try provide a little more info. Why did Shakespeare have to flatter Richard? Why did he have something to prove? I'm saying this because I think it makes the content make more sense, but also because the essay question asks for context! Your analysis is very strong.
These differences in religious contexts also affect the representation of ambition and power, contrasting the nature of Richard’s ascension and downfall between the two texts. The play’s core structure is characterised with the rising action of Richard utilising cunning deception to gain accession to the throne in the first three acts. He constructs a humble appearance to persuade others he is deserving of the throne: for example, he insists, “your love deserves my thanks, but desert unmeritable shuns your high request”. The pure Machiavellian deception takes advantage of reverse psychology to trick the common citizens. However, in Acts IV and V his customary eloquence deserts him; his hamartia apparent by this stage as is the case for Shakespearean tragedy plays. He says, “Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am”. The nonsensical anthypophora and disruption of rhythm breaks Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter to signify his loss of power. On the contrary, twentieth-century knowledge regarding psychology shapes Pacino’s interpretation of the text, particularly in the final act as Richard’s subterfuge lingers through filmic elements. Intercutting the uninteresting low eye-level, static frame of Richmond’s prayer with the handheld camera movement and low-angle shot of Richard’s oration displays his strong ambition and charismatic personality, even in the final scenes. His dynamic oration is further amplified, interspersed with a montage of vivid battle scenes complemented with sudden red and white flashes to uphold Richard’s longstanding power during the final scenes as the dramatic crux of the film. Thus, the different way in which both composers portray the longevity of Richard’s villainous character represents their interpretation and interests regarding ambition and power.
I think you deal with the texts with a good balance!
The influence of these previously discussed conservative Elizabethan values is evident in Shakespeare’s hyperbolic portrayal of Richard’s villainous nature compared to Pacino’s artistic freedom to communicate the play’s core values how he pleases. Shakespeare’s vilification of Richard seems logical as he is obligated to support the Tudor Myth and the Divine Right of Kings. Therefore, he portrays Richard to inherit the role of an alien to society from the outset of the play. The opening lines, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York” throw off the form of verse with trochaic inversion, going against iambic pentameter; one of Shakespeare’s most ingrained language devices. Richard is shown to be a unique and corrupt character in this sense. The essence of his corruption is also communicated being described as “deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Unpleasant images of physical deformity justify Richard’s corruption as a consequence of his villainous nature and usurpation of the throne later on. However, Pacino is not restricted by religious and superstitious values and so exercises an egalitarian approach towards ‘organically’ communicating Shakespeare’s core values. His work is a deliberate pastiche of ‘behind-the-scenes’ rehearsals, vox pops, interviews, commentary and dramatised segments. For example, cutting between the vox pop of an African-American man’s profound statements that “Shakespeare instructed us [to feel]” and nonsensical pronouncements of educated actors regarding the “iambic pentameter of the soul”. This intentional juxtaposition exemplifies the wide appeal of Shakespeare Pacino is encouraging. In valuing the process of exploring the play rather than the finished product, Pacino even undercuts the villainous nature of Richard at times. The film itself ends by diminishing the seriousness of Richard’s death by cutting to an organic, unedited handheld camera shot of Pacino dying on a staircase. The villainy of Richard and exploration of Shakespearean values in these two texts is a product of the composers’ purpose.
Varying contexts of two distinctly different eras evidently shape Shakespeare’s and Pacino’s representation of Richard. Again, I would sketch the details of the context here just briefly. Mainly because it is specifically referenced in the essay question! Values concerning religion, power, villainy and authority are communicated through the appropriate textual and filmic forms necessary. The variety of form and structure is evident in the way these two composers thus place their chosen focus on certain aspects of the play according to common worldviews within their respective context.
You'll do really well. Stay calm, you know your stuff!
Hey Elise! Sorry this is a bit late, but wanted to let you know I topped the grade out of 60 adv english students in this assessment task, with 14/15 (3 other people and myself achieved this), and wanted to say thank you (though it may be a bit late)! Your feedback actually really made me confident going into the exam and I came out feeling zero stress and proud of my work. Thanks so much, i hope you can understand how appreciative I am!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 11, 2016, 09:50:45 pm
Hey Elise! Sorry this is a bit late, but wanted to let you know I topped the grade out of 60 adv english students in this assessment task, with 14/15 (3 other people and myself achieved this), and wanted to say thank you (though it may be a bit late)! Your feedback actually really made me confident going into the exam and I came out feeling zero stress and proud of my work. Thanks so much, i hope you can understand how appreciative I am!
Wow, great work wesadora!! AMAZING STUFF!! We love hearing that you guys are succeeding. Don't give us much credit; submitting, listening, fixing, working hard to get it right, that is all you!! ;D seriously, great job, you earned that result, super happy for you! ;D
PS - Elyse is taking some time off at the moment but I'll make sure she gets your message!! :D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 11, 2016, 10:38:17 pm
I have edited my speech again and was wondering if it is better now?
Hey Iha! ;D I had another read, feedback is below just as before!! Again, since it is a speech it seems a little more appropriate to be a bit more general with my feedback, but I typed notes as I read as well, so if that helps ;D
- Your intro is still stylish yet formal, still love it ;D
- That second paragraph has massively improved. You explain what you are going to explore much more clearly while maintaining a succinct style, and to add to that, I really like the idea itself. Very unique and very interesting, awesome!
- The next few paragraphs are an interesting way to introduce the next idea, you are really crafting a nice piece of rhetoric here. Definitely much better than reading an essay aloud, this is rhetorically interesting and will allow for a nice range of vocal expression. The only comment I'd say is that you are now about a third of the way through your speech, and we haven't hit technique/analysis yet. You may want to get to the 'meat' of the response a little faster, so this section might need a trim. Definitely keep the scholarly reference though, super cool.
- Holy cow, next paragraph is beautiful. Covers technique, explains what it says, then gives the impact on the audience. Fantastic! Only comments: You don't need scene numbers unless you want them, and also, your explanations could be a little more detailed. How is the identification of man as "a beast no more" linked to the Chain? Be specific if you can! And also, is that quote imagery? Seems more like figurative language?
- Next paragraphs are awesome again. The textual analysis is much more effective now. I would like to see some examples of the vivid imagery and satirical wit, but I do like how you are using the dialogue IN the actual explanation itself. Again, be sure to be specific, what does this colloquial dialogue and imagery show about death and identity? You cannot just make a conceptual statement, then say some techniques, and then say another conceptual statement to finish. Everything must be integrated and done together, as a whole package.
- Again, idea introduced extremely well in the next section, I especially love the inclusion of the Elizabethan and Renaissance context here, very effective.
- Your second last paragraph starts with recount. I realise it is serving a rhetorical purpose, you are setting the state almost, it is dramatic. In this case, it works, but I think you should still try and integrate more interesting techniques than just "dialogue."
- I love your idea of "expanding on the challenges that revenge presents for an individual identity" (paraphrased from your speech), but I don't feel like any of your quotes/explanations elaborate on this for this paragraph.
- The conclusion is extremely effective. Well summarised, well explained, and rhetorically quite interesting as well, nicely done!!
I think you're on a much better path now Iha, amazing work touching it up! I'd say to watch for more subtle things now, like execution and syntax (I didn't really care about this because it is a speech, but still be careful for sentences that are too long). Your analysis has stepped up massively, but there are still areas for improvement, mainly just in the detail of explaining exactly what each quote is representing about the idea (EG - I need more detail than just "identify a man", what is it saying about DEATH? About IDENTITY?). There are also quotes without techniques ("prompted to revenge by heaven and hell") and without audience impact. Just elaboration on what is there, that little extra level of detail, going beyond just saying "the challenges that revenge has on individuals" and going to show what they are and how the TECHNIQUES represent these challenges to us." It's not much you are missing, you are very close to extremely powerful analysis.
Essentially, you have now shown me you can do everything you need to do, and this speech is stellar! Just work on being a little more consistent with your techniques, a little more detailed with your explanations. This is a difficult thing to do, but you have massively improved just in between those versions, I bet with just a little work this will be absolutely smashing it out of the park!! ;D
Post by: lha on May 11, 2016, 11:04:10 pm
Hey Iha! ;D I had another read, feedback is below just as before!! Again, since it is a speech it seems a little more appropriate to be a bit more general with my feedback, but I typed notes as I read as well, so if that helps ;D
thank you so much! I realise its late, but this speech is due tomorrow and this is my final copy so could you please read over it once more and let me know if its good enough?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 11, 2016, 11:38:28 pm
thank you so much! I realise its late, but this speech is due tomorrow and this is my final copy so could you please read over it once more and let me know if its good enough?
Yep I'll have one more quick read! I'll only give a quick comment so you can get a good rest!!
Each of your changes has been beneficial, this speech is now up another level!! The extra details are excellent, and good on you for adding some more interesting techniques!! You still need one for "prompted to revenge by heaven and hell," if you have time. Besides this, I have no immediate comments, I think on the whole this is a fantastic speech!! The ideas are really rich, it will transfer really well to an essay for your Trials too ;D
You are all set to go, good luck with your speech tomorrow, you'll smash it out of the park!! ;D
Post by: lha on May 11, 2016, 11:40:51 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 12, 2016, 12:07:25 am
Thank you so much! Do you have an idea of what technique I can use for that quote? If not, thats okay. Again, thank you for helping me!
Totally happy to help!! Without knowing the precise context it is tricky, it is definitely juxtapositional (containing two unlike things), and also extremely emotive language. It is a pseudo-religious allusion as well (that is, it references heaven/hell, which are sort of religious things, this would have resonated with the extremely religious audience of the Elizabethan Era). Something there might work for you! ;D
Post by: lha on May 12, 2016, 12:12:37 am
Post by: Alalamc on May 14, 2016, 10:22:36 am
I was wondering whether I had done it effectively or not here?
(conclusion)
Thus, Donne reconciles the teachings of God with his experience as a human in the modern world as well as depicts love as the highest ideal in human affairs to which TIMPLS, TR and TA are a testament to. Not only does his poetry entwine 16th century social, cultural and historical contexts but further on matured to be more introspective through his use of metaphysical wit, divulging into Donne’s perspective of world values. Thus we as audience come to our understanding that inquisition into religious catechism, the afterlife as well as human infatuation, configure modern culture and philosophy through the classical past. Such lens not only allows individuals new oversight but the rediscovery of human compassion, empathy and death as highlighted in Wit.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 14, 2016, 11:26:56 am
Hey Jamon, So you did tell me that it will be good if I included what the audience learnt from the texts
I was wondering whether I had done it effectively or not here?
(conclusion)
Thus, Donne reconciles the teachings of God with his experience as a human in the modern world as well as depicts love as the highest ideal in human affairs to which TIMPLS, TR and TA are a testament to. Not only does his poetry entwine 16th century social, cultural and historical contexts but further on matured to be more introspective through his use of metaphysical wit, divulging into Donne’s perspective of world values. Thus we as audience come to our understanding that inquisition into religious catechism, the afterlife as well as human infatuation, configure modern culture and philosophy through the classical past. Such lens not only allows individuals new oversight but the rediscovery of human compassion, empathy and death as highlighted in Wit.
Hey there Alalamc! Your comment on audience impact, which is mostly the statement in bold above (and the sentence following), is brilliant!! You nailed it there, if you are integrating comments like that throughout your essay then it really raises your level of analysis. Remember, you can also say things like: "thus, we are shown that" "it becomes clear to the reader that." Audience doesn't need to be mentioned every time if you don't want to, I know I got sick of writing the word audience ;)
But yep, smashed it Alalamc! You've definitely got the idea ;D
PS - That conclusion is masterful :D
Post by: Alalamc on May 14, 2016, 11:47:34 am
I feel like such services have actually helped me so much! I used to be pretty BAD at English but I finally feel like I'm moving up the ladder by reading others comments and having comments on my own work!
Thankyou! :) :)
Post by: Essej on May 14, 2016, 05:04:52 pm
Following up on my Hamlet post on the Q/A Thread the other night I finished a rough draft for a foundation script, in lieu of your encouragement to get writing :).
I understand there are a lot of ideas raised in here as I tried to cover most of what is asked in the 3 questions, just wanted some feedback on structure as I approached this past hsc question act-by-act rather than by idea.
p.s. quotes and techniques are highlighted for your ease !
Thanks :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 14, 2016, 05:38:56 pm
YAY!
I feel like such services have actually helped me so much! I used to be pretty BAD at English but I finally feel like I'm moving up the ladder by reading others comments and having comments on my own work!
Thankyou! :) :)
Awesome to hear Alalamc!! I am glad that it is helping you, all about that collaborative learning ;)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 14, 2016, 06:12:33 pm
Hey Jamon / Mods!
Following up on my Hamlet post on the Q/A Thread the other night I finished a rough draft for a foundation script, in lieu of your encouragement to get writing :).
I understand there are a lot of ideas raised in here as I tried to cover most of what is asked in the 3 questions, just wanted some feedback on structure as I approached this past hsc question act-by-act rather than by idea.
p.s. quotes and techniques are highlighted for your ease !
Thanks :)
Hey Essej!! I've attached your essay below, and just considered it as a general essay rather than answering a specific question ;) comments are throughout!!
Spoiler
William Shakespeare’s timeless revenge tragedy “Hamlet” (1601) transcends contextual barriers through its depiction of the irresolute eponymous protagonist’s disillusionment with his surroundings and his ensuing introspective conflict. Through a confronting portrayal of loyalty and betrayal resulting in the decay of political hierarchy, responders witness the transition of Hamlet’s psychological state in the duration of the honourable avenging of his father’s regicide. As his characterisation is one of a Christian humanist in a transitionary Elizabethan context, evidenced through his status as a scholar of Wittenberg University, Hamlet naturally inquires into perennial concerns regarding the human condition. Try not to give any textual references away in the introduction; its just a structurally inappropriate thing to do. It is through his numerous revealing soliloquies that his consequent disillusionment with the human condition in the microcosmic Denmark is best dramatically expressed. Overall, the universal themes of the elusive nature of truth, death and decay, deception and action as opposed to inaction collectively serve to uphold the status of Hamlet as an atypical Senecan revenge tragedy that endures through the ages. Whoa, bloody brilliant introduction here! Step back ;) My suggestion would be that starting with an introduction of the text may resolve your response to being text based. Now this is a subtle thing, but essentially, you don't want your response to focus on the TEXT per say, you want it to focus on the TEXT AS A REPRESENTATION of some big idea, in your case, struggle and disillusionment and the human condition. Try (if you feel inclined, this intro is great already) starting your intro with some overarching statement about this BIG IDEA, and only then introduce Hamlet. This makes your response more conceptually driven, which is a plus. I'm happy to go into this a little more, it's a very subtle difference, let me know!
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and its central theme of death and decay, as explored by the Christian humanistic eponymous protagonist, perpetuates his internal conflict between action and inaction in the search for elusive truths. The unnatural nature of Old Hamlet’s regicide by the disloyal Claudius leads Hamlet to an intrinsic questioning of the human condition. Hamlet utilises the microcosmic Elsinor to philosophise about the corruption of Denmark and Elizabethan society as a whole through such imagery of decay as “‘tis an unweeded garden”. In using the metaphor, he implies the moral illegitimacy of the ruler, as mirrored in Hamlet’s mythological allusions in depicting Claudius as a bestial “satyr” in contrast to the Sun-God “Hyperion” to describe his father. This is superb analysis, however, your focus is on Hamlet. Remember, it is Shakespeare who makes these representational choices, any meaning garnered from the text must be attributed to him and his REPRESENTATION of Hamlet. Hamlet, the character himself, is merely a vessel. Again, very subtle, but very important. This antithesis of heaven and earth mirrors the notion of the Elizabethan World Order and great chain of being, where Hamlet utilises his scholarly discourse gained as a Wittenberg student to deliberately undermine Claudius’ value and discredit his legitimacy as king. In his opening soliloquy, the disruption of hierarchical order clearly impacts heavily upon the psyche of Hamlet, whom wishes he could commit suicide out of grief (“O that this too too solid flesh would melt”). Owing to his Christian humanist nature however, he cannot act as “The Everlasting had not fix'd his canon ‘gainst self-slaughter”, employing a religious allusion to disclose the conflict raised by doctrinal adherence in a Post-Reformation context. Hamlet further curses his inaction in avenging his father’s “foul and most unnatural murder” in his self-deprecatory soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” in which he ponders “Am I a coward?”. Evidently, he is torn between action and inaction in a morally corrupt society, unsure whether the apparition of his father was from “heaven” or “hell”, and unwilling to act until he can “catch the conscience of the king”, pursuant to his humanist nature. These last few sentences have slipped ever so slightly into textual retell, that is, simply explaining what happened in the text. You can tell even from the highlighting, there is a massive patch of yellow with no green! You follow with something a little more conceptual, but it is not quite enough. Focus instead not on a retell of the scene, but on what IDEAS have been communicated in the scene. EG - "Shakespeare's representation of Hamlet's self-deprecatory soliloquy is a clear commentary on the dichotomy of action and inaction, as the audience comes to realise that ______." See how I'm not actually describing the scenes themselves, just using them as evidence to show what idea Shakespeare is portraying. in Act X Critic A.C. Bradley supports this view through explaining that “These obstacles would not suffice to prevent Hamlet from acting, if his state was normal”, once more displaying the decay of the state as the impetus for Hamlet’s inaction. Cool use of critic, very nice. Plagued by uncertainty, it is evident that death and decay spark inner conflict as Hamlet attempts to honourably avenge his father’s death. The conclusion is again evidence that the focus has slipped away from Shakespeare. Hamlet, again, is just Shakespeare's mechanism/puppet.
Through exemplifying intellectual ponderings perpetuated by a Christian humanist, Hamlet further unveils his introspective struggle between the intrinsic aspects of life, death and their consequences following his experiences of disillusionment and deception. Beautiful, but again, Shakespeare! Act 3 of the play solidifies Hamlet’s resolve, wherein his purpose of using the metatheatrical mouse trap play “The Murder of Gonzago” “To catch the conscience of the king” is crystallised. Hamlet’s existential contemplation in his timeless soliloquy “To be or not to be” exemplifies the universal, timeless status of the play through a reflection upon the unknown nature of death and questioning of nobility. Hamlet ponders upon the continued elusive nature of truth through the metaphorical likening of death to a dream “which no one wakes up from”, emphasising the unknowability of death. The further contemplation on “Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” displays through paradox the suffering of his conscience resulting from his disillusionment with Claudius’ murder. Moreover, it references medieval conventions of chivalry through his concern over whether his actions are noble. This is better, focusing on what the techniques DO rather than what actually occurs in the play. The consequences of death are further highlighted through the pragmatic, oxymoronic discourse of Claudius. The atypical Machiavellian villain subverts the archetypal antagonist through providing the audience with an examination of his conscience in fully admitting to murder, confessing through biblical allusion “My offence is rank, it smells to heaven”. He proves himself to be an efficient but scheming leader, mirroring Nicolo Machiavelli’s virtues of “a fox’s cunningness” wherein he is a catalyst for Hamlet’s disillusionment through the regicide of Old Hamlet and continued plotting against the protagonist. This is dramatically ironic as Hamlet himself deceives Claudius through the intelligent use of the metatheatrical mousetrap play.and his antic disposition, in which he confesses to his mother that he “essentially [is] not in madness, but in craft”. Slipping ever so slightly into retell once again, what do these things tell us as an audience, and/or what do they show about life and death? Evidently, the status of Hamlet as a Christian humanist results in the prolonging of the central act of revenge through existential questioning and deception.
The intimate ties between death and revenge initiate a shift in the psychological development of Hamlet through his disillusionment with death and subsequent adoption of a fatalist perspective. Hamlet loses his moral high ground in his quest for revenge following the accidental killing of Polonius. His continued disillusionment with surrounding characters once more presents itself wherein he convinces Gertrude not to disclose his murder, revealing misogynistic tendencies in his lecturing tone “Confess yourself to heaven, Repent what’s past, avoid what’s to come”. A turning point however is finally reached following his meeting with the Polish army, whose leader Fortinbras serves as the perfect dramatic foil for Hamlet’s irresolute character as despite sharing the parallel of revenge, Fortinbras being impulsive whereas Hamlet being contemplative. What does this show? What do we as an audience learn? Showing an acceptance of death through the alliteration “death and danger dare”, Hamlet finally concludes on a course of action in stating “My thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth”, foreshadowing the play’s violent conclusion. The perennial elusivity of truth is finally accepted here by Hamlet, who realises that the only certainty is death. Kenneth Branagh’s 1996 film depicts Hamlet holding a skull, symbolising the epiphanic moment of realisation of vanitas, that all are equal in death. The absurdist elements seen through the stage direction “Throws up skull” serve as a point of psychological change from Christian humanism to fatalism as Hamlet becomes disillusioned with death through making light of morbid concepts. I think that you can just describe the stage direction and what is accomplishes, the quote may be unnecessary? It works though, so personal preference ;D This notion of fate elucidated from Hamlet’s inquisitive humanist actions mirror the play’s status as a Senecan revenge tragedy in Shakespeare’s complex portrayal of fate and predestination through the certainty of death.
Hamlet’s humanist nature further prevails in his parallel with the mythological character Hercules, whom he alludes to in his soliloquy “No more like my father, Than I to Hercules”. Much akin to Hamlet, Hercules killed his teacher out of frustration and never became king, as his scheming relative Eurystheus became king in his place. Over the course of the play, Hamlet clearly aligns himself with the image of the violent Hercules, stating that he is God’s “scourge and minister”. What additional meaning does an audience member who knows about Hercules gain from this character allusion? Hamlet’s psyche evolves to the point where his rage results in an outburst to Horatio “and is't not to be damn'd,To let this canker of our nature come In further evil?” Hamlet eventually completes the process of externalizing his own self-hatred, no longer seeing flaws in himself, but instead other people as embodiments of those flaws. Whilst reassuring himself, this has disastrous implications for the supporting characters. Critic Wilson Knight supports such an interpretation through his view of Hamlet as “The walking ambassador of death walking amid life”, spreading the effects of his father’s unnatural regicide amongst those of the state “like a blighting disease” which “undermines the health of the state”. He describes Hamlet as “inhuman” as he “believes in nothing, not even himself, except the memory of a ghost”. Moreover, the use of colour symbolism is seen as “His black robed presence (“inky cloak”) is a reminder to everyone of the fact of death”. In summary, through an acceptance of death, as mirrored through the recurring concept of memento mori, Hamlet becomes disillusioned with the idea in his psychological shift toward fatalism.
In conclusion, Hamlet’s unique portrayal of a protagonist plagued by an introspective struggle between action and inaction, pursuant to his contextualisation as a Christian humanist, serves to immortalise the play as one that transcends contextual barriers. Through a dramatic portrayal of struggle as a consequence of disillusionment, the play’s central themes continue to preserve Shakespeare’s Senecan revenge tragedy as a distinctive text that resonates with audiences worldwide. A great, succinct conclusion.
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and its central theme of death and decay, as explored by the Christian humanistic eponymous protagonist, perpetuates his internal conflict between action and inaction in the search for elusive truths. The unnatural nature of Old Hamlet’s regicide by the disloyal Claudius leads Hamlet to an intrinsic questioning of the human condition. Hamlet utilises the microcosmic Elsinor to philosophise about the corruption of Denmark and Elizabethan society as a whole through such imagery of decay as “‘tis an unweeded garden”. In using the metaphor, he implies the moral illegitimacy of the ruler, as mirrored in Hamlet’s mythological allusions in depicting Claudius as a bestial “satyr” in contrast to the Sun-God “Hyperion” to describe his father. This is superb analysis, however, your focus is on Hamlet. Remember, it is Shakespeare who makes these representational choices, any meaning garnered from the text must be attributed to him and his REPRESENTATION of Hamlet. Hamlet, the character himself, is merely a vessel. Again, very subtle, but very important. This antithesis of heaven and earth mirrors the notion of the Elizabethan World Order and great chain of being, where Hamlet utilises his scholarly discourse gained as a Wittenberg student to deliberately undermine Claudius’ value and discredit his legitimacy as king. In his opening soliloquy, the disruption of hierarchical order clearly impacts heavily upon the psyche of Hamlet, whom wishes he could commit suicide out of grief (“O that this too too solid flesh would melt”). Owing to his Christian humanist nature however, he cannot act as “The Everlasting had not fix'd his canon ‘gainst self-slaughter”, employing a religious allusion to disclose the conflict raised by doctrinal adherence in a Post-Reformation context. Hamlet further curses his inaction in avenging his father’s “foul and most unnatural murder” in his self-deprecatory soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” in which he ponders “Am I a coward?”. Evidently, he is torn between action and inaction in a morally corrupt society, unsure whether the apparition of his father was from “heaven” or “hell”, and unwilling to act until he can “catch the conscience of the king”, pursuant to his humanist nature. These last few sentences have slipped ever so slightly into textual retell, that is, simply explaining what happened in the text. You can tell even from the highlighting, there is a massive patch of yellow with no green! You follow with something a little more conceptual, but it is not quite enough. Focus instead not on a retell of the scene, but on what IDEAS have been communicated in the scene. EG - "Shakespeare's representation of Hamlet's self-deprecatory soliloquy is a clear commentary on the dichotomy of action and inaction, as the audience comes to realise that ______." See how I'm not actually describing the scenes themselves, just using them as evidence to show what idea Shakespeare is portraying. in Act X Critic A.C. Bradley supports this view through explaining that “These obstacles would not suffice to prevent Hamlet from acting, if his state was normal”, once more displaying the decay of the state as the impetus for Hamlet’s inaction. Cool use of critic, very nice. Plagued by uncertainty, it is evident that death and decay spark inner conflict as Hamlet attempts to honourably avenge his father’s death. The conclusion is again evidence that the focus has slipped away from Shakespeare. Hamlet, again, is just Shakespeare's mechanism/puppet.
Through exemplifying intellectual ponderings perpetuated by a Christian humanist, Hamlet further unveils his introspective struggle between the intrinsic aspects of life, death and their consequences following his experiences of disillusionment and deception. Beautiful, but again, Shakespeare! Act 3 of the play solidifies Hamlet’s resolve, wherein his purpose of using the metatheatrical mouse trap play “The Murder of Gonzago” “To catch the conscience of the king” is crystallised. Hamlet’s existential contemplation in his timeless soliloquy “To be or not to be” exemplifies the universal, timeless status of the play through a reflection upon the unknown nature of death and questioning of nobility. Hamlet ponders upon the continued elusive nature of truth through the metaphorical likening of death to a dream “which no one wakes up from”, emphasising the unknowability of death. The further contemplation on “Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” displays through paradox the suffering of his conscience resulting from his disillusionment with Claudius’ murder. Moreover, it references medieval conventions of chivalry through his concern over whether his actions are noble. This is better, focusing on what the techniques DO rather than what actually occurs in the play. The consequences of death are further highlighted through the pragmatic, oxymoronic discourse of Claudius. The atypical Machiavellian villain subverts the archetypal antagonist through providing the audience with an examination of his conscience in fully admitting to murder, confessing through biblical allusion “My offence is rank, it smells to heaven”. He proves himself to be an efficient but scheming leader, mirroring Nicolo Machiavelli’s virtues of “a fox’s cunningness” wherein he is a catalyst for Hamlet’s disillusionment through the regicide of Old Hamlet and continued plotting against the protagonist. This is dramatically ironic as Hamlet himself deceives Claudius through the intelligent use of the metatheatrical mousetrap play.and his antic disposition, in which he confesses to his mother that he “essentially [is] not in madness, but in craft”. Slipping ever so slightly into retell once again, what do these things tell us as an audience, and/or what do they show about life and death? Evidently, the status of Hamlet as a Christian humanist results in the prolonging of the central act of revenge through existential questioning and deception.
The intimate ties between death and revenge initiate a shift in the psychological development of Hamlet through his disillusionment with death and subsequent adoption of a fatalist perspective. Hamlet loses his moral high ground in his quest for revenge following the accidental killing of Polonius. His continued disillusionment with surrounding characters once more presents itself wherein he convinces Gertrude not to disclose his murder, revealing misogynistic tendencies in his lecturing tone “Confess yourself to heaven, Repent what’s past, avoid what’s to come”. A turning point however is finally reached following his meeting with the Polish army, whose leader Fortinbras serves as the perfect dramatic foil for Hamlet’s irresolute character as despite sharing the parallel of revenge, Fortinbras being impulsive whereas Hamlet being contemplative. What does this show? What do we as an audience learn? Showing an acceptance of death through the alliteration “death and danger dare”, Hamlet finally concludes on a course of action in stating “My thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth”, foreshadowing the play’s violent conclusion. The perennial elusivity of truth is finally accepted here by Hamlet, who realises that the only certainty is death. Kenneth Branagh’s 1996 film depicts Hamlet holding a skull, symbolising the epiphanic moment of realisation of vanitas, that all are equal in death. The absurdist elements seen through the stage direction “Throws up skull” serve as a point of psychological change from Christian humanism to fatalism as Hamlet becomes disillusioned with death through making light of morbid concepts. I think that you can just describe the stage direction and what is accomplishes, the quote may be unnecessary? It works though, so personal preference ;D This notion of fate elucidated from Hamlet’s inquisitive humanist actions mirror the play’s status as a Senecan revenge tragedy in Shakespeare’s complex portrayal of fate and predestination through the certainty of death.
Hamlet’s humanist nature further prevails in his parallel with the mythological character Hercules, whom he alludes to in his soliloquy “No more like my father, Than I to Hercules”. Much akin to Hamlet, Hercules killed his teacher out of frustration and never became king, as his scheming relative Eurystheus became king in his place. Over the course of the play, Hamlet clearly aligns himself with the image of the violent Hercules, stating that he is God’s “scourge and minister”. What additional meaning does an audience member who knows about Hercules gain from this character allusion? Hamlet’s psyche evolves to the point where his rage results in an outburst to Horatio “and is't not to be damn'd,To let this canker of our nature come In further evil?” Hamlet eventually completes the process of externalizing his own self-hatred, no longer seeing flaws in himself, but instead other people as embodiments of those flaws. Whilst reassuring himself, this has disastrous implications for the supporting characters. Critic Wilson Knight supports such an interpretation through his view of Hamlet as “The walking ambassador of death walking amid life”, spreading the effects of his father’s unnatural regicide amongst those of the state “like a blighting disease” which “undermines the health of the state”. He describes Hamlet as “inhuman” as he “believes in nothing, not even himself, except the memory of a ghost”. Moreover, the use of colour symbolism is seen as “His black robed presence (“inky cloak”) is a reminder to everyone of the fact of death”. In summary, through an acceptance of death, as mirrored through the recurring concept of memento mori, Hamlet becomes disillusioned with the idea in his psychological shift toward fatalism.
In conclusion, Hamlet’s unique portrayal of a protagonist plagued by an introspective struggle between action and inaction, pursuant to his contextualisation as a Christian humanist, serves to immortalise the play as one that transcends contextual barriers. Through a dramatic portrayal of struggle as a consequence of disillusionment, the play’s central themes continue to preserve Shakespeare’s Senecan revenge tragedy as a distinctive text that resonates with audiences worldwide. A great, succinct conclusion.
This is an absolutely awesome essay! Your vocal is killer, your ideas are sophisticated, and your techniques are varied and interesting, not just the same one over and over. This is fantastic! Your Thesis paragraph particularly blew me away, a very interesting and well developed idea!
Have a read of my comments throughout and let me know if you have any questions. I would say that there are two things you can do, on the whole, to improve your essay even further.
1 - You must be focusing on Shakespeare's representation of Hamlet, rather than Hamlet himself. When you say Hamlet does something, this is in a way, incorrect. It is Shakespeare doing it, Shakespeare makes the representational choice, Hamlet is just the mechanism. Be sure that all representational choices are attributed accordingly, the focus MUST be on Shakespeare's use of techniques to create the character of Hamlet that you are analysing.
2 - You are slipping into retell in several sections of your essay. What this means is, while you are using techniques, you aren't really saying what they are doing. For example:
Much akin to Hamlet, Hercules killed his teacher out of frustration and never became king, as his scheming relative Eurystheus became king in his place. Over the course of the play, Hamlet clearly aligns himself with the image of the violent Hercules, stating that he is God’s “scourge and minister”.
This is a fantastic observation!! However, you don't expand on it to say, okay, what does show the audience about the theme you are discussing? How does it accentuate Hamlet's representation as a symbol of struggle and disillusionment? This additional explanation of the intent of the technique, and further, the impact of this representation on the audience, is what elevates your analysis from "some stuff happened and techniques were used", to, "techniques were used in representing this stuff which shows us..." Blah Blah Blah ;)
Let me clear and say that this is killer. You clearly know the text really well, you clearly are an incredible writer, and you clearly have awesome ideas. It's just backing them up with textual analysis in the appropriate way which needs a little improvement ;)
I hope this helps!! Feel free to follow me up with any questions, I'm picking you up on really subtle stuff (I'm a mean marker), but hey, if I just said "it's great," then that's not much help ;)
Post by: Essej on May 14, 2016, 07:26:59 pm
Hey Essej!! I've attached your essay below, and just considered it as a general essay rather than answering a specific question ;) comments are throughout!!SpoilerWilliam Shakespeare’s timeless revenge tragedy “Hamlet” (1601) transcends contextual barriers through its depiction of the irresolute eponymous protagonist’s disillusionment with his surroundings and his ensuing introspective conflict. Through a confronting portrayal of loyalty and betrayal resulting in the decay of political hierarchy, responders witness the transition of Hamlet’s psychological state in the duration of the honourable avenging of his father’s regicide. As his characterisation is one of a Christian humanist in a transitionary Elizabethan context, evidenced through his status as a scholar of Wittenberg University, Hamlet naturally inquires into perennial concerns regarding the human condition. Try not to give any textual references away in the introduction; its just a structurally inappropriate thing to do. It is through his numerous revealing soliloquies that his consequent disillusionment with the human condition in the microcosmic Denmark is best dramatically expressed. Overall, the universal themes of the elusive nature of truth, death and decay, deception and action as opposed to inaction collectively serve to uphold the status of Hamlet as an atypical Senecan revenge tragedy that endures through the ages. Whoa, bloody brilliant introduction here! Step back ;) My suggestion would be that starting with an introduction of the text may resolve your response to being text based. Now this is a subtle thing, but essentially, you don't want your response to focus on the TEXT per say, you want it to focus on the TEXT AS A REPRESENTATION of some big idea, in your case, struggle and disillusionment and the human condition. Try (if you feel inclined, this intro is great already) starting your intro with some overarching statement about this BIG IDEA, and only then introduce Hamlet. This makes your response more conceptually driven, which is a plus. I'm happy to go into this a little more, it's a very subtle difference, let me know!
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and its central theme of death and decay, as explored by the Christian humanistic eponymous protagonist, perpetuates his internal conflict between action and inaction in the search for elusive truths. The unnatural nature of Old Hamlet’s regicide by the disloyal Claudius leads Hamlet to an intrinsic questioning of the human condition. Hamlet utilises the microcosmic Elsinor to philosophise about the corruption of Denmark and Elizabethan society as a whole through such imagery of decay as “‘tis an unweeded garden”. In using the metaphor, he implies the moral illegitimacy of the ruler, as mirrored in Hamlet’s mythological allusions in depicting Claudius as a bestial “satyr” in contrast to the Sun-God “Hyperion” to describe his father. This is superb analysis, however, your focus is on Hamlet. Remember, it is Shakespeare who makes these representational choices, any meaning garnered from the text must be attributed to him and his REPRESENTATION of Hamlet. Hamlet, the character himself, is merely a vessel. Again, very subtle, but very important. This antithesis of heaven and earth mirrors the notion of the Elizabethan World Order and great chain of being, where Hamlet utilises his scholarly discourse gained as a Wittenberg student to deliberately undermine Claudius’ value and discredit his legitimacy as king. In his opening soliloquy, the disruption of hierarchical order clearly impacts heavily upon the psyche of Hamlet, whom wishes he could commit suicide out of grief (“O that this too too solid flesh would melt”). Owing to his Christian humanist nature however, he cannot act as “The Everlasting had not fix'd his canon ‘gainst self-slaughter”, employing a religious allusion to disclose the conflict raised by doctrinal adherence in a Post-Reformation context. Hamlet further curses his inaction in avenging his father’s “foul and most unnatural murder” in his self-deprecatory soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” in which he ponders “Am I a coward?”. Evidently, he is torn between action and inaction in a morally corrupt society, unsure whether the apparition of his father was from “heaven” or “hell”, and unwilling to act until he can “catch the conscience of the king”, pursuant to his humanist nature. These last few sentences have slipped ever so slightly into textual retell, that is, simply explaining what happened in the text. You can tell even from the highlighting, there is a massive patch of yellow with no green! You follow with something a little more conceptual, but it is not quite enough. Focus instead not on a retell of the scene, but on what IDEAS have been communicated in the scene. EG - "Shakespeare's representation of Hamlet's self-deprecatory soliloquy is a clear commentary on the dichotomy of action and inaction, as the audience comes to realise that ______." See how I'm not actually describing the scenes themselves, just using them as evidence to show what idea Shakespeare is portraying. in Act X Critic A.C. Bradley supports this view through explaining that “These obstacles would not suffice to prevent Hamlet from acting, if his state was normal”, once more displaying the decay of the state as the impetus for Hamlet’s inaction. Cool use of critic, very nice. Plagued by uncertainty, it is evident that death and decay spark inner conflict as Hamlet attempts to honourably avenge his father’s death. The conclusion is again evidence that the focus has slipped away from Shakespeare. Hamlet, again, is just Shakespeare's mechanism/puppet.
Through exemplifying intellectual ponderings perpetuated by a Christian humanist, Hamlet further unveils his introspective struggle between the intrinsic aspects of life, death and their consequences following his experiences of disillusionment and deception. Beautiful, but again, Shakespeare! Act 3 of the play solidifies Hamlet’s resolve, wherein his purpose of using the metatheatrical mouse trap play “The Murder of Gonzago” “To catch the conscience of the king” is crystallised. Hamlet’s existential contemplation in his timeless soliloquy “To be or not to be” exemplifies the universal, timeless status of the play through a reflection upon the unknown nature of death and questioning of nobility. Hamlet ponders upon the continued elusive nature of truth through the metaphorical likening of death to a dream “which no one wakes up from”, emphasising the unknowability of death. The further contemplation on “Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” displays through paradox the suffering of his conscience resulting from his disillusionment with Claudius’ murder. Moreover, it references medieval conventions of chivalry through his concern over whether his actions are noble. This is better, focusing on what the techniques DO rather than what actually occurs in the play. The consequences of death are further highlighted through the pragmatic, oxymoronic discourse of Claudius. The atypical Machiavellian villain subverts the archetypal antagonist through providing the audience with an examination of his conscience in fully admitting to murder, confessing through biblical allusion “My offence is rank, it smells to heaven”. He proves himself to be an efficient but scheming leader, mirroring Nicolo Machiavelli’s virtues of “a fox’s cunningness” wherein he is a catalyst for Hamlet’s disillusionment through the regicide of Old Hamlet and continued plotting against the protagonist. This is dramatically ironic as Hamlet himself deceives Claudius through the intelligent use of the metatheatrical mousetrap play.and his antic disposition, in which he confesses to his mother that he “essentially [is] not in madness, but in craft”. Slipping ever so slightly into retell once again, what do these things tell us as an audience, and/or what do they show about life and death? Evidently, the status of Hamlet as a Christian humanist results in the prolonging of the central act of revenge through existential questioning and deception.
The intimate ties between death and revenge initiate a shift in the psychological development of Hamlet through his disillusionment with death and subsequent adoption of a fatalist perspective. Hamlet loses his moral high ground in his quest for revenge following the accidental killing of Polonius. His continued disillusionment with surrounding characters once more presents itself wherein he convinces Gertrude not to disclose his murder, revealing misogynistic tendencies in his lecturing tone “Confess yourself to heaven, Repent what’s past, avoid what’s to come”. A turning point however is finally reached following his meeting with the Polish army, whose leader Fortinbras serves as the perfect dramatic foil for Hamlet’s irresolute character as despite sharing the parallel of revenge, Fortinbras being impulsive whereas Hamlet being contemplative. What does this show? What do we as an audience learn? Showing an acceptance of death through the alliteration “death and danger dare”, Hamlet finally concludes on a course of action in stating “My thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth”, foreshadowing the play’s violent conclusion. The perennial elusivity of truth is finally accepted here by Hamlet, who realises that the only certainty is death. Kenneth Branagh’s 1996 film depicts Hamlet holding a skull, symbolising the epiphanic moment of realisation of vanitas, that all are equal in death. The absurdist elements seen through the stage direction “Throws up skull” serve as a point of psychological change from Christian humanism to fatalism as Hamlet becomes disillusioned with death through making light of morbid concepts. I think that you can just describe the stage direction and what is accomplishes, the quote may be unnecessary? It works though, so personal preference ;D This notion of fate elucidated from Hamlet’s inquisitive humanist actions mirror the play’s status as a Senecan revenge tragedy in Shakespeare’s complex portrayal of fate and predestination through the certainty of death.
Hamlet’s humanist nature further prevails in his parallel with the mythological character Hercules, whom he alludes to in his soliloquy “No more like my father, Than I to Hercules”. Much akin to Hamlet, Hercules killed his teacher out of frustration and never became king, as his scheming relative Eurystheus became king in his place. Over the course of the play, Hamlet clearly aligns himself with the image of the violent Hercules, stating that he is God’s “scourge and minister”. What additional meaning does an audience member who knows about Hercules gain from this character allusion? Hamlet’s psyche evolves to the point where his rage results in an outburst to Horatio “and is't not to be damn'd,To let this canker of our nature come In further evil?” Hamlet eventually completes the process of externalizing his own self-hatred, no longer seeing flaws in himself, but instead other people as embodiments of those flaws. Whilst reassuring himself, this has disastrous implications for the supporting characters. Critic Wilson Knight supports such an interpretation through his view of Hamlet as “The walking ambassador of death walking amid life”, spreading the effects of his father’s unnatural regicide amongst those of the state “like a blighting disease” which “undermines the health of the state”. He describes Hamlet as “inhuman” as he “believes in nothing, not even himself, except the memory of a ghost”. Moreover, the use of colour symbolism is seen as “His black robed presence (“inky cloak”) is a reminder to everyone of the fact of death”. In summary, through an acceptance of death, as mirrored through the recurring concept of memento mori, Hamlet becomes disillusioned with the idea in his psychological shift toward fatalism.
In conclusion, Hamlet’s unique portrayal of a protagonist plagued by an introspective struggle between action and inaction, pursuant to his contextualisation as a Christian humanist, serves to immortalise the play as one that transcends contextual barriers. Through a dramatic portrayal of struggle as a consequence of disillusionment, the play’s central themes continue to preserve Shakespeare’s Senecan revenge tragedy as a distinctive text that resonates with audiences worldwide. A great, succinct conclusion.
This is an absolutely awesome essay! Your vocal is killer, your ideas are sophisticated, and your techniques are varied and interesting, not just the same one over and over. This is fantastic! Your Thesis paragraph particularly blew me away, a very interesting and well developed idea!
Have a read of my comments throughout and let me know if you have any questions. I would say that there are two things you can do, on the whole, to improve your essay even further.
1 - You must be focusing on Shakespeare's representation of Hamlet, rather than Hamlet himself. When you say Hamlet does something, this is in a way, incorrect. It is Shakespeare doing it, Shakespeare makes the representational choice, Hamlet is just the mechanism. Be sure that all representational choices are attributed accordingly, the focus MUST be on Shakespeare's use of techniques to create the character of Hamlet that you are analysing.
2 - You are slipping into retell in several sections of your essay. What this means is, while you are using techniques, you aren't really saying what they are doing. For example:
Much akin to Hamlet, Hercules killed his teacher out of frustration and never became king, as his scheming relative Eurystheus became king in his place. Over the course of the play, Hamlet clearly aligns himself with the image of the violent Hercules, stating that he is God’s “scourge and minister”.
This is a fantastic observation!! However, you don't expand on it to say, okay, what does show the audience about the theme you are discussing? How does it accentuate Hamlet's representation as a symbol of struggle and disillusionment? This additional explanation of the intent of the technique, and further, the impact of this representation on the audience, is what elevates your analysis from "some stuff happened and techniques were used", to, "techniques were used in representing this stuff which shows us..." Blah Blah Blah ;)
Let me clear and say that this is killer. You clearly know the text really well, you clearly are an incredible writer, and you clearly have awesome ideas. It's just backing them up with textual analysis in the appropriate way which needs a little improvement ;)
I hope this helps!! Feel free to follow me up with any questions, I'm picking you up on really subtle stuff (I'm a mean marker), but hey, if I just said "it's great," then that's not much help ;)
Cheers Jamon !
I really appreciate this, you are exactly right in that my teacher would never go into that much detail :3
I didn't even realise I was referring to Hamlet's development personally rather than Shakespeare's use of him to convey ideas, i'll be sure not to make that mistake again!
I'll be sure to edit this with a focus on analysis and get it back to you asap, thanks again!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 14, 2016, 11:27:41 pm
Cheers Jamon !
I really appreciate this, you are exactly right in that my teacher would never go into that much detail :3
I didn't even realise I was referring to Hamlet's development personally rather than Shakespeare's use of him to convey ideas, i'll be sure not to make that mistake again!
I'll be sure to edit this with a focus on analysis and get it back to you asap, thanks again!
Awesome! Yep, it's a subtle difference to your argument, but it makes a huge difference as to its sophistication ;D look forward to reading it, no problem and great job again! :)
Post by: Essej on May 15, 2016, 10:55:54 pm
I've revamped my response in line with your recommendations.
At some point though I want to add in a bit (maybe half a paragraph?) on the play's conclusion and some other act 5 themes where I would incorporate another critic (Probably the Wilson Knight one and the hercules allusion) just unsure of where I would incorporate that whilst sticking to the word limit :'(
Anyways please take a look!
Thanks ! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 15, 2016, 11:50:50 pm
Ok so Final check befor exam. Can you please score me on this essay as a whole (broadly) .I know the 2nd para on wit doesn't work consistently (and make sense that much) However both of these paragraph are comparisons to Donne's paras. thanks :)
RENAISSANCE
...
Hey Alalamc! Sure thing, I gave it a read and have a few broad comments for some last minute adjustments if you choose!! ;D
- First paragraph has extremely powerful ideas within, fantastic. Ensure that your extremely impressive vocabulary enhances your ideas
- Ensure that you are specific with how techniques have created meaning; what sort of sound? What lighting? What you've done works well but can be improved
- Ensure you are linking to what the audience learns about "death as a physical release from degradation" from the text, don't just say what happened in the text with a technique, what does it show the audience? For example, the quote below has slipped a little away from conceptual explanation and more into retelling the text (the only part of the paragraph that has the issue, part of which relates to the fact that there is no technique in this sentence).
Significantly Vivian recites the first six lines of TIMPLS, saying that she liked the poem ‘in the abstract’, but now that it is real to her she finds “my minutes last point” a little too, shall we say pointed”. In this instance Vivian uses her own wit, to avoid the personal implications of Donne’s images of death, reinforcing her newly found oversight.
- Remember to attribute all techniques to the composer, not characters.
- Second paragraph starts with excellent links to your other text.
- As above, ensure that you have a conceptual drive, do NOT just retell what happened in the text with techniques, and then add an idea on as an afterthought. Conceptual focus is what gets you the super high mark.
- Again, attribute all techniques to the composer. Every 1-2 sentences should contain a mention to the composer of the text.
On the whole, this is awesome stuff! Try a few of these recommendations if you can, but you are already sitting on something great! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 16, 2016, 12:13:02 pm
Hey Jamon!
I've revamped my response in line with your recommendations.
At some point though I want to add in a bit (maybe half a paragraph?) on the play's conclusion and some other act 5 themes where I would incorporate another critic (Probably the Wilson Knight one and the hercules allusion) just unsure of where I would incorporate that whilst sticking to the word limit :'(
Anyways please take a look!
Thanks ! :)
Hey Essej! Sure thing, I had another read and it's attached below with comments throughout!
Spoiler
The perpetual notion of individual disillusionment and its ability to facilitate internal conflict of conscience is one immortalised successfully in few texts throughout history. Your wording here is a tiny bit off-putting, I know what you are saying, but it sounds like you are saying composers have been largely unsuccessful. Instead, perhaps say that it has been successful, but none more so than ... William Shakespeare’s timeless revenge tragedy “Hamlet” (1601) effectively transcends contextual barriers through its depiction of the irresolute eponymous protagonist’s disillusionment with his surroundings and his ensuing introspective conflict. Fabulous. The playwright’s characterisation of Hamlet as a Christian humanist in a transitionary Elizabethan context grants him the capacity to inquire into perennial concerns regarding the human condition. It is through the protagonist’s numerous revealing soliloquies that Shakespeare can be seen to best dramatically portray the central concerns of the play within the microcosmic Denmark. If soliloquies is the focus of the question this works brilliantly! Even if not it sets the focus well. Overall, the universal themes of the elusive nature of truth, death and decay, deception and action as opposed to inaction collectively serve to uphold the status of Hamlet as an atypical Senecan revenge tragedy that endures through the ages. Good final sentence, but those ideas flow into each other a little, I'm not immediately certain as the reader where one idea ends and the next starts. Careful with that. Besides this, a beautiful introduction.
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and its central themes of death and decay, as explored by the Christian humanistic eponymous protagonist, perpetuate the notion of internal conflict between action and inaction in the search for elusive truths. The medieval concept of revenge, sparked by Old Hamlet’s “unnatural” regicide, leads the humanistic Hamlet to an intrinsic questioning of the human condition. I think this slight bit of retell is absolutely fine as an initial contextualisation. Through the microcosmic Danish setting of Elsinor Castle, Shakespeare allows Hamlet to philosophise about the corruption of Denmark and Elizabethan society as a whole through such imagery of decay as “‘tis an unweeded garden”. In using the metaphor, he implies the moral illegitimacy of Claudius, the ruler, as mirrored in Hamlet’s mythological allusions in depicting the king as a bestial “satyr” in contrast to the Sun-God “Hyperion” to describe his father. Your analysis has improved drastically just by shifting focus to the composer. Fantastic! This antithesis of heaven and earth mirrors the notion of the Elizabethan World Order and great chain of being, wherein scholarly discourse the protagonist gained as a Wittenberg student is used to deliberately undermine Claudius’ value and discredit his legitimacy as king. At this point, I am now waiting for something like: "Thus the audience comes to realise...." This is your last missing link. Hierarchical decay is further explored in the playwright’s employment of soliloquy, in which Hamlet wishes “O that this too too solid flesh would melt”.Technique here? The technique of soliloquy by itself, since it is the focus of the analysis, may not be enough. Owing to his Christian humanist nature however, he cannot act as “The Everlasting had not fix'd his canon ‘gainst self-slaughter”, employing a religious allusion to disclose the conflict raised by doctrinal adherence in a Post-Reformation context. Further, a clear commentary on the dichotomy of action and inaction is represented through Shakespeare’s application of dysphemism in Hamlet’s second self-deprecatory soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I”. It is here that the audience comes to realise the intrinsic struggle between life and death, the fundamental consequences of action and inaction brought about by Hamlet’s morally corrupt surroundings; as mirrored in his revelation that he is “unpregnant of [his] cause”. There we go! That was the full circle analysis you needed. Critic A.C. Bradley supports this view through explaining that “These obstacles would not suffice to prevent Hamlet from acting, if his state was normal”, once more displaying the decay of the state as the impetus for Hamlet’s inaction. Evidently, the play’s predominant themes of death and decay are effectively exercised by Shakespeare in its initial stages to represent personal struggles between action and inaction. This is a very effective paragraph, all you are missing is audience impact!
Through experiences of disillusionment and deception, Shakespeare exhibits intellectual ponderings perpetuated by a Christian humanist to convey the introspective struggle between the intrinsic aspects of life, death and their consequences. Act 3 of the play solidifies Hamlet’s resolve, wherein his purpose of using the metatheatrical mouse trap play “To catch the conscience of the king” is crystallised. Hamlet’s existential contemplation in his timeless soliloquy “To be or not to be” exemplifies the universal, timeless status of the play through a reflection upon the unknown nature of death coupled with a questioning of nobility. Through allowing Hamlet to ponder upon the continued elusive nature of truth through the metaphorical likening of death to a dream “which no one wakes up from”, Shakespeare’s emphasis on death’s unknowability is furthered by euphemistic imagery of sleep. The further meditation on “Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” displays through paradox the suffering of his conscience resulting from his disillusionment with Claudius’ murder. This is extremely effective analysis here, brilliant. Moreover, it references medieval conventions of chivalry through his overbearing concern over the nobility of his inaction.Does this have some sort of contextual impact on either us or Elizabethan audiences? The genesis of existential concerns within the play is seen through Shakespeare’s representation of deception and betrayal, as mirrored by the sycophantic Polonius’ historical allusion in explaining “I did enact Julius Caesar...Brutus killed me”. Polonius himself is utilised as an exemplar of deception within the play, instructing Reynaldo when spying upon his son Laertes to “put on him what falsities you will”. In stark contrast to this notion of a facade is Polonius’ ironic earlier honest advice to his son “To thine ownself be true”, echoing the omnipresent conflict between loyalty and deception within an Elizabethan society prevalent with underlying fears of monarchical corruption. Clearly, widespread deception within corrupt hierarchical structures can be seen as an impetus for individual disillusionment and consequently, existential contemplation.Again, extremely effective analysis of the text, your final step is to develop what the audience takes away from the text (see below).
By mirroring the play’s transitional context, Shakespeare implements absurdist elements to display individual disillusionment and its far-reaching psychological impacts. The further consequences of disillusionment with the human condition are evident wherein Hamlet convinces Gertrude not to disclose this murder, revealing misogynistic tendencies in his lecturing tone “Confess yourself to heaven, Repent what’s past, avoid what’s to come”. This inhibiting factor in Hamlet’s relationships is a commentary upon patriarchal values within an Elizabethan context, whilst simultaneously a direct representation of a perceived connection between moral corruption and female sexuality. Great! How would modern audiences (where feminism is quite prevalent) react to this analysis? In depicting a transformation in protagonist Hamlet’s psyche from Christian humanism to fatalism, the playwright mimics the tragedy’s historical context, wherein Renaissance humanist and Elizabethan perspectives collided. Hamlet’s loss in moral high ground following the death of Polonius generates this shift through a realisation of the inevitability of death. This is mirrored through the notion of memento mori, that all will die, as represented in the religious allusion “To what base uses we may return...Alexander was returneth to dust”. Further absurdist elements and their proven ability to facilitate disillusionment with death are evident in alternate depictions of the play. Kenneth Branagh’s 1996 film depicts Hamlet holding a skull, symbolising the epiphanic moment of realisation of vanitas, that all are equal in death. The macabre, absurdist elements seen through stage directions parallel this notion, as Hamlet picks up Yorick’s skull, depicting his disillusionment with death in his quest for revenge whilst ultimately foreshadowing the play’s gruesome conclusion. This notion of fate elucidated from Hamlet’s inquisitive humanist actions mirror the play’s status as a Senecan revenge tragedy in Shakespeare’s complex portrayal of fate and predestination through the certainty of death. Again, fantastic analysis (though I would say this is the weakest of your paragraphs, just by comparison.
In conclusion, Hamlet’s unique portrayal of a protagonist plagued by an introspective struggle between action and inaction, pursuant to his contextualisation as a Christian humanist, serves to immortalise the play as one that transcends contextual barriers. Through a dramatic portrayal of struggle as a consequence of disillusionment, the play’s central themes continue to preserve Shakespeare’s Senecan revenge tragedy as a distinctive text that resonates with audiences worldwide.
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and its central themes of death and decay, as explored by the Christian humanistic eponymous protagonist, perpetuate the notion of internal conflict between action and inaction in the search for elusive truths. The medieval concept of revenge, sparked by Old Hamlet’s “unnatural” regicide, leads the humanistic Hamlet to an intrinsic questioning of the human condition. I think this slight bit of retell is absolutely fine as an initial contextualisation. Through the microcosmic Danish setting of Elsinor Castle, Shakespeare allows Hamlet to philosophise about the corruption of Denmark and Elizabethan society as a whole through such imagery of decay as “‘tis an unweeded garden”. In using the metaphor, he implies the moral illegitimacy of Claudius, the ruler, as mirrored in Hamlet’s mythological allusions in depicting the king as a bestial “satyr” in contrast to the Sun-God “Hyperion” to describe his father. Your analysis has improved drastically just by shifting focus to the composer. Fantastic! This antithesis of heaven and earth mirrors the notion of the Elizabethan World Order and great chain of being, wherein scholarly discourse the protagonist gained as a Wittenberg student is used to deliberately undermine Claudius’ value and discredit his legitimacy as king. At this point, I am now waiting for something like: "Thus the audience comes to realise...." This is your last missing link. Hierarchical decay is further explored in the playwright’s employment of soliloquy, in which Hamlet wishes “O that this too too solid flesh would melt”.Technique here? The technique of soliloquy by itself, since it is the focus of the analysis, may not be enough. Owing to his Christian humanist nature however, he cannot act as “The Everlasting had not fix'd his canon ‘gainst self-slaughter”, employing a religious allusion to disclose the conflict raised by doctrinal adherence in a Post-Reformation context. Further, a clear commentary on the dichotomy of action and inaction is represented through Shakespeare’s application of dysphemism in Hamlet’s second self-deprecatory soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I”. It is here that the audience comes to realise the intrinsic struggle between life and death, the fundamental consequences of action and inaction brought about by Hamlet’s morally corrupt surroundings; as mirrored in his revelation that he is “unpregnant of [his] cause”. There we go! That was the full circle analysis you needed. Critic A.C. Bradley supports this view through explaining that “These obstacles would not suffice to prevent Hamlet from acting, if his state was normal”, once more displaying the decay of the state as the impetus for Hamlet’s inaction. Evidently, the play’s predominant themes of death and decay are effectively exercised by Shakespeare in its initial stages to represent personal struggles between action and inaction. This is a very effective paragraph, all you are missing is audience impact!
Through experiences of disillusionment and deception, Shakespeare exhibits intellectual ponderings perpetuated by a Christian humanist to convey the introspective struggle between the intrinsic aspects of life, death and their consequences. Act 3 of the play solidifies Hamlet’s resolve, wherein his purpose of using the metatheatrical mouse trap play “To catch the conscience of the king” is crystallised. Hamlet’s existential contemplation in his timeless soliloquy “To be or not to be” exemplifies the universal, timeless status of the play through a reflection upon the unknown nature of death coupled with a questioning of nobility. Through allowing Hamlet to ponder upon the continued elusive nature of truth through the metaphorical likening of death to a dream “which no one wakes up from”, Shakespeare’s emphasis on death’s unknowability is furthered by euphemistic imagery of sleep. The further meditation on “Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” displays through paradox the suffering of his conscience resulting from his disillusionment with Claudius’ murder. This is extremely effective analysis here, brilliant. Moreover, it references medieval conventions of chivalry through his overbearing concern over the nobility of his inaction.Does this have some sort of contextual impact on either us or Elizabethan audiences? The genesis of existential concerns within the play is seen through Shakespeare’s representation of deception and betrayal, as mirrored by the sycophantic Polonius’ historical allusion in explaining “I did enact Julius Caesar...Brutus killed me”. Polonius himself is utilised as an exemplar of deception within the play, instructing Reynaldo when spying upon his son Laertes to “put on him what falsities you will”. In stark contrast to this notion of a facade is Polonius’ ironic earlier honest advice to his son “To thine ownself be true”, echoing the omnipresent conflict between loyalty and deception within an Elizabethan society prevalent with underlying fears of monarchical corruption. Clearly, widespread deception within corrupt hierarchical structures can be seen as an impetus for individual disillusionment and consequently, existential contemplation.Again, extremely effective analysis of the text, your final step is to develop what the audience takes away from the text (see below).
By mirroring the play’s transitional context, Shakespeare implements absurdist elements to display individual disillusionment and its far-reaching psychological impacts. The further consequences of disillusionment with the human condition are evident wherein Hamlet convinces Gertrude not to disclose this murder, revealing misogynistic tendencies in his lecturing tone “Confess yourself to heaven, Repent what’s past, avoid what’s to come”. This inhibiting factor in Hamlet’s relationships is a commentary upon patriarchal values within an Elizabethan context, whilst simultaneously a direct representation of a perceived connection between moral corruption and female sexuality. Great! How would modern audiences (where feminism is quite prevalent) react to this analysis? In depicting a transformation in protagonist Hamlet’s psyche from Christian humanism to fatalism, the playwright mimics the tragedy’s historical context, wherein Renaissance humanist and Elizabethan perspectives collided. Hamlet’s loss in moral high ground following the death of Polonius generates this shift through a realisation of the inevitability of death. This is mirrored through the notion of memento mori, that all will die, as represented in the religious allusion “To what base uses we may return...Alexander was returneth to dust”. Further absurdist elements and their proven ability to facilitate disillusionment with death are evident in alternate depictions of the play. Kenneth Branagh’s 1996 film depicts Hamlet holding a skull, symbolising the epiphanic moment of realisation of vanitas, that all are equal in death. The macabre, absurdist elements seen through stage directions parallel this notion, as Hamlet picks up Yorick’s skull, depicting his disillusionment with death in his quest for revenge whilst ultimately foreshadowing the play’s gruesome conclusion. This notion of fate elucidated from Hamlet’s inquisitive humanist actions mirror the play’s status as a Senecan revenge tragedy in Shakespeare’s complex portrayal of fate and predestination through the certainty of death. Again, fantastic analysis (though I would say this is the weakest of your paragraphs, just by comparison.
In conclusion, Hamlet’s unique portrayal of a protagonist plagued by an introspective struggle between action and inaction, pursuant to his contextualisation as a Christian humanist, serves to immortalise the play as one that transcends contextual barriers. Through a dramatic portrayal of struggle as a consequence of disillusionment, the play’s central themes continue to preserve Shakespeare’s Senecan revenge tragedy as a distinctive text that resonates with audiences worldwide.
This essay is fantastic! Your analysis is extremely effective throughout, you've done a great job bringing Shakespeare in more effectively and this raises the sophistication of your argument quite substantially. Great techniques and example, and the 'retell' styled stuff I saw in the previous version is essentially non-existent now. Fantastic, objective and powerful analysis, fabulous!
Still, because I am mean, things to work on ;D
Right now, you are not connecting your explanation of the ideas to the audiences interpretation of the text and its ideas as effectively as possible. You say (very effectively), Shakespeare uses a TECHNIQUE in this QUOTE to EXPLAIN IDEA. Now, you need to show how Shakespeare uses a TECHNIQUE(QUOTE) to EXPLAIN an idea to the AUDIENCE. What does the audience take away? What do we learn about your themes? Does our context impact on our interpretation? Does an Elizabethan audience react differently to a contemporary reader, and why? You do this in places, but not consistently, and it is essential. Remember, Shakespeare portrays ideas FOR AN AUDIENCE. To really push this essay sky high, you must be not only explaining what Shakespeare is representing, but also what the audience takes away about the themes.
Beyond this, I would simply suggest ensuring that your ideas are expressed clearly. Your first paragraph's conceptual statement has quite a bit happening, with two sets of themes and a contextual link all in one go:
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and its central themes of death and decay, as explored by the Christian humanistic eponymous protagonist, perpetuate the notion of internal conflict between action and inaction in the search for elusive truths.
You may want to have a think about whether there is a bit too much going on in the one spot. See what I mean:
Sentence 1: Concept
Sentence 2: Contextual Link
Sentence 3+4+5: Corruption and Decay
Sentence 6: Hierarchal Decay
Sentence 7: Action/Inaction (alluded, you don't mention specifically, you may want to do this)
Sentence 8+9: Action/Inaction
Sentence 10: Decay (Critic)
Sentence 11: Conclusion
In all this analysis, you don't really touch on the elusive truths part of your paragraph. Essentially, make sure your analysis stays true to what you say you will be exploring in the start of your paragraph. Keep it focused ;D
All that said, this is fantastic Essej, great work!! ;D
Post by: Skidous on May 16, 2016, 07:42:38 pm
William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (1601) expresses the struggle and disillusionment faced but the eponymous protagonist Hamlet as he attempt to avenge the death of his father. The shift in his psychological state whilst overcoming deception of his friends and family portrays human suffering and noble avenging. The modified Senecan tragedy highlights the complex nature of revenge through exploration of corruption within Denmark, religious values and medieval concepts that ultimately lead to an honorable death. This emphasises the variety of conflicts and deceits that Hamlet faces that engages a wide range of audiences within their given contexts.
The turmoil experienced by Hamlet towards the ghost revelation and the state of Denmark are expertly used to engage the audience. Hamlet is portrayed as a depressed man who mourns the death of his father. He contemplates suicide, wishing that he could “melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew” due to his disillusionment with the nature of man. He views Elsinore as a microcosm of the world as he depicts it as “an unweeded garden...Things rank and gross in nature possess it”. This exemplifies the corruption of not only the state but of his family emphasising the decay of Denmark as a result the disruption of the Chain of Being with Claudius as king. Hamlet further questions his inaction and the loyalty of his friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as he uses bestial imagery to portray them as “monstrous” and deceitful “players” that are there to deceive Hamlet. Hamlet contrast the classical medieval revenger through acting as a Christian humanist and assuming the role of a moral avenger, questioning his character as “a dull muddy-metal rascal” and his favour for irresolution. His use of rhetorical questions where he asks “am I a coward?” expresses his humanist desire for truth. This is displayed as he wishes to “catch the conscience of the king” so that he may enact justice in a way to maintain his nobility as well as presenting a shift in his psyche from one of depression to one of feigned madness through antic disposition. Hamlet’s vision of the “rotten state” coupled with his struggle to ascertain the validity of the Ghost is extensively used in order to grasp the attention of many social milieus.
The contemplation and justification of Hamlet’s irresolution portrays his struggle with the concepts of morality and vengeance draws the attention of the reader. Hamlet’s goal is towards discovering the truth of how his father died as to avenge him in the most noble way possible, however Hamlet as a Christian humanist begins to question the act of revenge. He does so through the analogy of life and death in the most famous soliloquy “To be or not to be” where he uses the notion of living and juxtaposes it with suicide in the place of his irresolution for killing Claudius. His primary concerns are focused upon the nobility of his actions as he questions “whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer...or to take arms against a sea of troubles”. The use of religious imagery is also used to reflect his doubts about the afterlife and what may come as a result of his cause as “perchance to dream...no traveller’s return” emphasising the religious values during the Renaissance. After Hamlet’s mousetrap play where Claudius’ actions are confirmed. This is expressed through biblical allusion as a “primal eldest curse...a brother’s murder” where Claudius expresses regret for his regicide which is atypical of a villain and more like a machiavellian. Hamlet arrives and hesitates to kill Claudius as expressed through low modality, “now I might do it pat”, depicting him as a true moral avenger. Wilson knight describes this choice to not kill Claudius means that Hamlet is “inhuman”, incapable of feeling emotion and is a “danger to the state” where in reality, he is waiting for the most opportune moment where he may fulfil his mission for his cause in a way that fully avenges his father. The conflict Hamlet undergoes with regards to the consequences of his actions at the appropriate time portrays Hamlet as an extraordinary avenger which fully immerses a variety of consciences of the audience.
After the death of Polonius resulting in the loss of moral high ground for Hamlet, he no longer falls to deceit and vows to kill Claudius, encapsulating the attention of the common conscience. This is expressed as he questions his own hubris of irresolution as “thinking too precisely...one part wisdom and ever three parts coward” where he acknowledges that his irresolution is the reason which he has lost his honorable status that was highly valued in the Elizabethan era. This is further emphasised through his confident tone as he claims that “I have cause and will and strength and means to do’t” where Hamlet knows that he has validated the Ghost and the actions of the king, and all that prevented his revenge from being fulfilled is his own indecisive nature. The presentation of foils in the form of Fortinbras and Laertes also allows for Hamlet to shift his psyche from one of Christian humanism in the form antic disposition to one of fatalistic absurdism. Hamlet witnesses the “divine ambition” of Fortinbras and his army, which acts as a turning point in which he further accepts that death is an inevitability and is faced with it. The use of metaphor exemplifies the ambitious action of Fortinbras’ army as they march towards death “Even for an eggshell” where Hamlet acknowledges that their reason may be fragile but they continue to strive towards it. Hamlet vows to do the same to make “my thoughts bloody”. This is further depicted as Laertes discovers the murder of his father by Hamlet and acts as a tradition revenger where he wishes to act rashly. Laertes depicts this rash and hot-blooded pursuit for justice as he uses sacrilegious imagery where if he must, he will “cut his throat i’ th’ church” portraying his will to avenge his own father by any means. The contrast between Hamlet’s deliberate questioning and his hot-blooded foils expresses that his views of revenge must be reshaped to achieve his moral high ground once more is what intrigues the minds of readers.
The noble restoration of Hamlet’s honor and balance in Denmark is a direct result of his consideration for the complex nature of revenge that enthralls the audience. Hamlet’s continuous questioning and disillusionment culminates into the final shift in his psyche to allow him to enact the most noble vengeance through his acceptance of death, both of Claudius and his own. The imagery of death is presented when Hamlet “(takes the skull)” indicating that Hamlet has resolved his conflict with death and now views it in an absurdist perspective through the notion of momento mori. This notion of death is reinforced through stage directions when Laertes “(leaps into the grave)” which is a demonstration of proleptic irony due to the fact that Laertes will die when dueling Hamlet as a means to avenge his father. After killing Claudius, Laertes wishes to reconcile Hamlet and himself of their sins, establishing Hamlet’s moral vengeance being done so in a pyrrhic manner as a result of collateral casualty of Gertrude. Hamlet’s use of metatheatrical language depicts the spectators of the duel as “mutes and audience to this act” emphasising that they do not fully comprehend the nature of the event. He proceeds to place his trust in Horatio as he professes in a pleading tone that he want Horatio to “Report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied”. The religious imagery used when Horatio sends of Hamlet depicts him to have “flights of angels sing thee to thy rest” exemplifies the honor Hamlet attained in his final hours. The patience and contemplative mind of Hamlet is the sole reason by which he was absolved of his previous sins and was able to enact justice and die a noble death, that was of importance during the Renaissance, which expertly attracts the attention of the audience.
It is evident that Hamlet is able to catch the attention of an audience through the portrayal of Hamlet as an honorable avenger. Hamlet’s questioning of his cause and his own character emphasises his noble irresolution that inevitably leads to the act of justice in killing Claudius. The validation of his honor by Horatio and Fortinbras exemplifies that the struggle and disillusionment faced by Hamlet is the means by which that this honor was restored.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 17, 2016, 11:45:26 pm
Hey I wanted some assistance with my Hamlet essay (Module B: Critical Study of Texts) and just wanted some clarifications with my arguments, structure, introduction and topic sentences. Thanks in Advance(d English)
Hey there Skidous! I see what you did there ;) I attached your essay with some comments throughout!! Most of my comments would repeat in the latter paragraphs, so my comments in one place are just as an example, apply your improvements generally ;D
Spoiler
William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (1601) expresses the struggle and disillusionment faced but the eponymous protagonist Hamlet as he attempt to avenge the death of his father. The shift in his psychological state whilst overcoming deception of his friends and family portrays human suffering and noble avenging. The modified Senecan tragedy highlights the complex nature of revenge through exploration of corruption within Denmark, religious values and medieval concepts that ultimately lead to an honorable death. This emphasises the variety of conflicts and deceits that Hamlet faces that engages a wide range of audiences within their given contexts. This is a nice intro! However, I feel that it lacks a single direction. You mention a few things; struggle and disillusionment, human suffering, avenging, religious values, medieval concepts, conflicts and deceits. I want you to try and establish one BIG idea that will be the focus of your essay, and that all of your topic sentences fit under. Kind of like an umbrella idea! This development of Thesis should be right at the start of your intro. I do like your inclusion of audiences and context though, awesome!
The turmoil experienced by Hamlet towards the ghost revelation and the state of Denmark are expertly used to engage the audience. Try and come up with something a little more conceptual for your topic sentence. This is very plot driven, try and abstract it a little if you can! Hamlet is portrayed as a depressed man who mourns the death of his father. He contemplates suicide, wishing that he could “melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew” due to his disillusionment with the nature of man. Technique? Be sure to never quote the text without an accompanying technique. He views Elsinore as a microcosm of the world as he depicts it as “an unweeded garden...Things rank and gross in nature possess it”. These sentences are essentially just a recount of the text. Try and focus completely on what ideas are coming through. This exemplifies the corruption of not only the state but of his family emphasising the decay of Denmark as a result the disruption of the Chain of Being with Claudius as king. Better, more conceptual, good! Hamlet further questions his inaction and the loyalty of his friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as he uses bestial imagery to portray them as “monstrous” and deceitful “players” that are there to deceive Hamlet. Remember that all techniques must be attributed to Shakespeare, not the character! Hamlet is kind of like the puppet, Shakespeare does all the work! Hamlet contrast the classical medieval revenger through acting as a Christian humanist and assuming the role of a moral avenger, questioning his character as “a dull muddy-metal rascal” and his favour for irresolution. His use of rhetorical questions where he asks “am I a coward?” expresses his humanist desire for truth. This is displayed as he wishes to “catch the conscience of the king” so that he may enact justice in a way to maintain his nobility as well as presenting a shift in his psyche from one of depression to one of feigned madness through antic disposition. Again, watch for textual recount. What ideas does Shakespeare seek to portray? Hamlet’s vision of the “rotten state” coupled with his struggle to ascertain the validity of the Ghost is extensively used in order to grasp the attention of many social milieus.
The contemplation and justification of Hamlet’s irresolution portrays his struggle with the concepts of morality and vengeance draws the attention of the reader. I like that you are including the audience in your topic sentence, that is very effective. Hamlet’s goal is towards discovering the truth of how his father died as to avenge him in the most noble way possible, however Hamlet as a Christian humanist begins to question the act of revenge. He does so through the analogy of life and death in the most famous soliloquy “To be or not to be” where he uses the notion of living and juxtaposes it with suicide in the place of his irresolution for killing Claudius. Thus, the audience comes to realise that/is shown that/realises that/... His primary concerns are focused upon the nobility of his actions as he questions “whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer...or to take arms against a sea of troubles”. The use of religious imagery is also used to reflect his doubts about the afterlife and what may come as a result of his cause as “perchance to dream...no traveller’s return” emphasising the religious values during the Renaissance. After Hamlet’s mousetrap play where Claudius’ actions are confirmed. This is expressed through biblical allusion as a “primal eldest curse...a brother’s murder” where Claudius expresses regret for his regicide which is atypical of a villain and more like a machiavellian. Be sure to use high modality language (sound sure of yourself at all times): "more typical of the Machiavellian than the villain. Hamlet arrives and hesitates to kill Claudius as expressed through low modality, “now I might do it pat”, depicting him as a true moral avenger. Wilson knight describes this choice to not kill Claudius means that Hamlet is “inhuman”, incapable of feeling emotion and is a “danger to the state” where in reality, he is waiting for the most opportune moment where he may fulfil his mission for his cause in a way that fully avenges his father. The conflict Hamlet undergoes with regards to the consequences of his actions at the appropriate time portrays Hamlet as an extraordinary avenger which fully immerses a variety of consciences of the audience. This paragraph does well conceptually, but again, there is a strong tendency for just retelling what happened in the text, and saying how it represents your ideas. Instead, be abstract, focus on the ideas and just use the text as your evidence.
After the death of Polonius resulting in the loss of moral high ground for Hamlet, he no longer falls to deceit and vows to kill Claudius, encapsulating the attention of the common conscience. Try not to incorporate plot details into your topic sentence (same reasons above). This is expressed as he questions his own hubris of irresolution as “thinking too precisely...one part wisdom and ever three parts coward” where he acknowledges that his irresolution is the reason which he has lost his honorable status that was highly valued in the Elizabethan era. Good contextual integration. Technique? This is further emphasised through his confident tone as he claims that “I have cause and will and strength and means to do’t” where Hamlet knows that he has validated the Ghost and the actions of the king, and all that prevented his revenge from being fulfilled is his own indecisive nature. What idea does this show? I feel like your ideas are implied but you need to be saying them explicitly! The presentation of foils in the form of Fortinbras and Laertes also allows for Hamlet to shift his psyche from one of Christian humanism in the form antic disposition to one of fatalistic absurdism. Hamlet witnesses the “divine ambition” of Fortinbras and his army, which acts as a turning point in which he further accepts that death is an inevitability and is faced with it. The use of metaphor exemplifies the ambitious action of Fortinbras’ army as they march towards death “Even for an eggshell” where Hamlet acknowledges that their reason may be fragile but they continue to strive towards it. Hamlet vows to do the same to make “my thoughts bloody”. This is further depicted as Laertes discovers the murder of his father by Hamlet and acts as a tradition revenger where he wishes to act rashly. Laertes depicts this rash and hot-blooded pursuit for justice as he uses sacrilegious imagery where if he must, he will “cut his throat i’ th’ church” portraying his will to avenge his own father by any means. The contrast between Hamlet’s deliberate questioning and his hot-blooded foils expresses that his views of revenge must be reshaped to achieve his moral high ground once more is what intrigues the minds of readers.I really like that the conclusions and introductions include that audience element, really cool. However, you aren't backing it up with your analysis! You must be integrating the audience impact throughout your paragraphs.
The noble restoration of Hamlet’s honor and balance in Denmark is a direct result of his consideration for the complex nature of revenge that enthralls the audience. Your ideas are definitely there in these sentences. Try abstracting them from the plot a bit. For example: "Composers consideration of the complex nature of revenge continues to enthral audiences across contexts. Such is achieved in Shakespeare's Hamlet as...." Hamlet’s continuous questioning and disillusionment culminates into the final shift in his psyche to allow him to enact the most noble vengeance through his acceptance of death, both of Claudius and his own. The imagery of death is presented when Hamlet “(takes the skull)” indicating that Hamlet has resolved his conflict with death and now views it in an absurdist perspective through the notion of momento mori. This notion of death is reinforced through stage directions when Laertes “(leaps into the grave)” which is a demonstration of proleptic irony due to the fact that Laertes will die when dueling Hamlet as a means to avenge his father. After killing Claudius, Laertes wishes to reconcile Hamlet and himself of their sins, establishing Hamlet’s moral vengeance being done so in a pyrrhic manner as a result of collateral casualty of Gertrude. Hamlet’s use of metatheatrical language depicts the spectators of the duel as “mutes and audience to this act” emphasising that they do not fully comprehend the nature of the event. He proceeds to place his trust in Horatio as he professes in a pleading tone that he want Horatio to “Report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied”. The religious imagery used when Horatio sends of Hamlet depicts him to have “flights of angels sing thee to thy rest” exemplifies the honor Hamlet attained in his final hours. The patience and contemplative mind of Hamlet is the sole reason by which he was absolved of his previous sins and was able to enact justice and die a noble death, that was of importance during the Renaissance, which expertly attracts the attention of the audience.
It is evident that Hamlet is able to catch the attention of an audience through the portrayal of Hamlet as an honorable avenger. Hamlet’s questioning of his cause and his own character emphasises his noble irresolution that inevitably leads to the act of justice in killing Claudius. The validation of his honor by Horatio and Fortinbras exemplifies that the struggle and disillusionment faced by Hamlet is the means by which that this honor was restored.
The turmoil experienced by Hamlet towards the ghost revelation and the state of Denmark are expertly used to engage the audience. Try and come up with something a little more conceptual for your topic sentence. This is very plot driven, try and abstract it a little if you can! Hamlet is portrayed as a depressed man who mourns the death of his father. He contemplates suicide, wishing that he could “melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew” due to his disillusionment with the nature of man. Technique? Be sure to never quote the text without an accompanying technique. He views Elsinore as a microcosm of the world as he depicts it as “an unweeded garden...Things rank and gross in nature possess it”. These sentences are essentially just a recount of the text. Try and focus completely on what ideas are coming through. This exemplifies the corruption of not only the state but of his family emphasising the decay of Denmark as a result the disruption of the Chain of Being with Claudius as king. Better, more conceptual, good! Hamlet further questions his inaction and the loyalty of his friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as he uses bestial imagery to portray them as “monstrous” and deceitful “players” that are there to deceive Hamlet. Remember that all techniques must be attributed to Shakespeare, not the character! Hamlet is kind of like the puppet, Shakespeare does all the work! Hamlet contrast the classical medieval revenger through acting as a Christian humanist and assuming the role of a moral avenger, questioning his character as “a dull muddy-metal rascal” and his favour for irresolution. His use of rhetorical questions where he asks “am I a coward?” expresses his humanist desire for truth. This is displayed as he wishes to “catch the conscience of the king” so that he may enact justice in a way to maintain his nobility as well as presenting a shift in his psyche from one of depression to one of feigned madness through antic disposition. Again, watch for textual recount. What ideas does Shakespeare seek to portray? Hamlet’s vision of the “rotten state” coupled with his struggle to ascertain the validity of the Ghost is extensively used in order to grasp the attention of many social milieus.
The contemplation and justification of Hamlet’s irresolution portrays his struggle with the concepts of morality and vengeance draws the attention of the reader. I like that you are including the audience in your topic sentence, that is very effective. Hamlet’s goal is towards discovering the truth of how his father died as to avenge him in the most noble way possible, however Hamlet as a Christian humanist begins to question the act of revenge. He does so through the analogy of life and death in the most famous soliloquy “To be or not to be” where he uses the notion of living and juxtaposes it with suicide in the place of his irresolution for killing Claudius. Thus, the audience comes to realise that/is shown that/realises that/... His primary concerns are focused upon the nobility of his actions as he questions “whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer...or to take arms against a sea of troubles”. The use of religious imagery is also used to reflect his doubts about the afterlife and what may come as a result of his cause as “perchance to dream...no traveller’s return” emphasising the religious values during the Renaissance. After Hamlet’s mousetrap play where Claudius’ actions are confirmed. This is expressed through biblical allusion as a “primal eldest curse...a brother’s murder” where Claudius expresses regret for his regicide which is atypical of a villain and more like a machiavellian. Be sure to use high modality language (sound sure of yourself at all times): "more typical of the Machiavellian than the villain. Hamlet arrives and hesitates to kill Claudius as expressed through low modality, “now I might do it pat”, depicting him as a true moral avenger. Wilson knight describes this choice to not kill Claudius means that Hamlet is “inhuman”, incapable of feeling emotion and is a “danger to the state” where in reality, he is waiting for the most opportune moment where he may fulfil his mission for his cause in a way that fully avenges his father. The conflict Hamlet undergoes with regards to the consequences of his actions at the appropriate time portrays Hamlet as an extraordinary avenger which fully immerses a variety of consciences of the audience. This paragraph does well conceptually, but again, there is a strong tendency for just retelling what happened in the text, and saying how it represents your ideas. Instead, be abstract, focus on the ideas and just use the text as your evidence.
After the death of Polonius resulting in the loss of moral high ground for Hamlet, he no longer falls to deceit and vows to kill Claudius, encapsulating the attention of the common conscience. Try not to incorporate plot details into your topic sentence (same reasons above). This is expressed as he questions his own hubris of irresolution as “thinking too precisely...one part wisdom and ever three parts coward” where he acknowledges that his irresolution is the reason which he has lost his honorable status that was highly valued in the Elizabethan era. Good contextual integration. Technique? This is further emphasised through his confident tone as he claims that “I have cause and will and strength and means to do’t” where Hamlet knows that he has validated the Ghost and the actions of the king, and all that prevented his revenge from being fulfilled is his own indecisive nature. What idea does this show? I feel like your ideas are implied but you need to be saying them explicitly! The presentation of foils in the form of Fortinbras and Laertes also allows for Hamlet to shift his psyche from one of Christian humanism in the form antic disposition to one of fatalistic absurdism. Hamlet witnesses the “divine ambition” of Fortinbras and his army, which acts as a turning point in which he further accepts that death is an inevitability and is faced with it. The use of metaphor exemplifies the ambitious action of Fortinbras’ army as they march towards death “Even for an eggshell” where Hamlet acknowledges that their reason may be fragile but they continue to strive towards it. Hamlet vows to do the same to make “my thoughts bloody”. This is further depicted as Laertes discovers the murder of his father by Hamlet and acts as a tradition revenger where he wishes to act rashly. Laertes depicts this rash and hot-blooded pursuit for justice as he uses sacrilegious imagery where if he must, he will “cut his throat i’ th’ church” portraying his will to avenge his own father by any means. The contrast between Hamlet’s deliberate questioning and his hot-blooded foils expresses that his views of revenge must be reshaped to achieve his moral high ground once more is what intrigues the minds of readers.I really like that the conclusions and introductions include that audience element, really cool. However, you aren't backing it up with your analysis! You must be integrating the audience impact throughout your paragraphs.
The noble restoration of Hamlet’s honor and balance in Denmark is a direct result of his consideration for the complex nature of revenge that enthralls the audience. Your ideas are definitely there in these sentences. Try abstracting them from the plot a bit. For example: "Composers consideration of the complex nature of revenge continues to enthral audiences across contexts. Such is achieved in Shakespeare's Hamlet as...." Hamlet’s continuous questioning and disillusionment culminates into the final shift in his psyche to allow him to enact the most noble vengeance through his acceptance of death, both of Claudius and his own. The imagery of death is presented when Hamlet “(takes the skull)” indicating that Hamlet has resolved his conflict with death and now views it in an absurdist perspective through the notion of momento mori. This notion of death is reinforced through stage directions when Laertes “(leaps into the grave)” which is a demonstration of proleptic irony due to the fact that Laertes will die when dueling Hamlet as a means to avenge his father. After killing Claudius, Laertes wishes to reconcile Hamlet and himself of their sins, establishing Hamlet’s moral vengeance being done so in a pyrrhic manner as a result of collateral casualty of Gertrude. Hamlet’s use of metatheatrical language depicts the spectators of the duel as “mutes and audience to this act” emphasising that they do not fully comprehend the nature of the event. He proceeds to place his trust in Horatio as he professes in a pleading tone that he want Horatio to “Report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied”. The religious imagery used when Horatio sends of Hamlet depicts him to have “flights of angels sing thee to thy rest” exemplifies the honor Hamlet attained in his final hours. The patience and contemplative mind of Hamlet is the sole reason by which he was absolved of his previous sins and was able to enact justice and die a noble death, that was of importance during the Renaissance, which expertly attracts the attention of the audience.
It is evident that Hamlet is able to catch the attention of an audience through the portrayal of Hamlet as an honorable avenger. Hamlet’s questioning of his cause and his own character emphasises his noble irresolution that inevitably leads to the act of justice in killing Claudius. The validation of his honor by Horatio and Fortinbras exemplifies that the struggle and disillusionment faced by Hamlet is the means by which that this honor was restored.
Okay, some more general comments now! I'll try and focus on the areas you requested.
In terms of your arguments, it is a little hard without knowing the question, but I think you are doing quite well here! You integrate contextual relevance especially well. I think you need to work on establishing a central Thesis more clearly, your introduction touches on quite a few things, I'd like to see something more focused. You should be able to summarise the whole essays argument in one sentence (and indeed, that sentence should be your first sentence in the essay!). Further, I think your analysis throughout the response could be stronger. You are slipping into textual retell; restating what happens with the text with a technique, and then either not explaining what it demonstrates about the idea, or tacking it on as an afterthought. Ensure the focus is on how Shakespeare uses TECHNIQUE to show IDEAS to the AUDIENCE.
Your structure on the whole is spot on, though your word count is 1400. This might be a tad long to reproduce in an exam situation, so if this is the goal, you may want to cut a paragraph. Your wholistic structure and where things are placed is effective.
Your introduction, again, needs some tweaking to get a clearer focus. Further, and this is the issue with your topic sentences too, they are very text focused. What this means is that you are focusing on the text instead of the concept. I gave you an example in one of my comments, try and get the idea you will be discussing established first, and THEN go to the text. This makes your response more conceptual and raises the sophistication.
So, to summarise, worked well:
- Contextual Links
- Variety of Textual References
- Overall Structure
To work on:
- Conceptual Focus
- Techniques and Analysis
I hope this helps!! Feel free to ask me to expand on one or more of these points, it's a bit to take in, have a read through and let me know if I can elaborate or help further ;D
Post by: Essej on May 18, 2016, 08:30:09 am
Hey Essej! Sure thing, I had another read and it's attached below with comments throughout!SpoilerThe perpetual notion of individual disillusionment and its ability to facilitate internal conflict of conscience is one immortalised successfully in few texts throughout history. Your wording here is a tiny bit off-putting, I know what you are saying, but it sounds like you are saying composers have been largely unsuccessful. Instead, perhaps say that it has been successful, but none more so than ... William Shakespeare’s timeless revenge tragedy “Hamlet” (1601) effectively transcends contextual barriers through its depiction of the irresolute eponymous protagonist’s disillusionment with his surroundings and his ensuing introspective conflict. Fabulous. The playwright’s characterisation of Hamlet as a Christian humanist in a transitionary Elizabethan context grants him the capacity to inquire into perennial concerns regarding the human condition. It is through the protagonist’s numerous revealing soliloquies that Shakespeare can be seen to best dramatically portray the central concerns of the play within the microcosmic Denmark. If soliloquies is the focus of the question this works brilliantly! Even if not it sets the focus well. Overall, the universal themes of the elusive nature of truth, death and decay, deception and action as opposed to inaction collectively serve to uphold the status of Hamlet as an atypical Senecan revenge tragedy that endures through the ages. Good final sentence, but those ideas flow into each other a little, I'm not immediately certain as the reader where one idea ends and the next starts. Careful with that. Besides this, a beautiful introduction.
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and its central themes of death and decay, as explored by the Christian humanistic eponymous protagonist, perpetuate the notion of internal conflict between action and inaction in the search for elusive truths. The medieval concept of revenge, sparked by Old Hamlet’s “unnatural” regicide, leads the humanistic Hamlet to an intrinsic questioning of the human condition. I think this slight bit of retell is absolutely fine as an initial contextualisation. Through the microcosmic Danish setting of Elsinor Castle, Shakespeare allows Hamlet to philosophise about the corruption of Denmark and Elizabethan society as a whole through such imagery of decay as “‘tis an unweeded garden”. In using the metaphor, he implies the moral illegitimacy of Claudius, the ruler, as mirrored in Hamlet’s mythological allusions in depicting the king as a bestial “satyr” in contrast to the Sun-God “Hyperion” to describe his father. Your analysis has improved drastically just by shifting focus to the composer. Fantastic! This antithesis of heaven and earth mirrors the notion of the Elizabethan World Order and great chain of being, wherein scholarly discourse the protagonist gained as a Wittenberg student is used to deliberately undermine Claudius’ value and discredit his legitimacy as king. At this point, I am now waiting for something like: "Thus the audience comes to realise...." This is your last missing link. Hierarchical decay is further explored in the playwright’s employment of soliloquy, in which Hamlet wishes “O that this too too solid flesh would melt”.Technique here? The technique of soliloquy by itself, since it is the focus of the analysis, may not be enough. Owing to his Christian humanist nature however, he cannot act as “The Everlasting had not fix'd his canon ‘gainst self-slaughter”, employing a religious allusion to disclose the conflict raised by doctrinal adherence in a Post-Reformation context. Further, a clear commentary on the dichotomy of action and inaction is represented through Shakespeare’s application of dysphemism in Hamlet’s second self-deprecatory soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I”. It is here that the audience comes to realise the intrinsic struggle between life and death, the fundamental consequences of action and inaction brought about by Hamlet’s morally corrupt surroundings; as mirrored in his revelation that he is “unpregnant of [his] cause”. There we go! That was the full circle analysis you needed. Critic A.C. Bradley supports this view through explaining that “These obstacles would not suffice to prevent Hamlet from acting, if his state was normal”, once more displaying the decay of the state as the impetus for Hamlet’s inaction. Evidently, the play’s predominant themes of death and decay are effectively exercised by Shakespeare in its initial stages to represent personal struggles between action and inaction. This is a very effective paragraph, all you are missing is audience impact!
Through experiences of disillusionment and deception, Shakespeare exhibits intellectual ponderings perpetuated by a Christian humanist to convey the introspective struggle between the intrinsic aspects of life, death and their consequences. Act 3 of the play solidifies Hamlet’s resolve, wherein his purpose of using the metatheatrical mouse trap play “To catch the conscience of the king” is crystallised. Hamlet’s existential contemplation in his timeless soliloquy “To be or not to be” exemplifies the universal, timeless status of the play through a reflection upon the unknown nature of death coupled with a questioning of nobility. Through allowing Hamlet to ponder upon the continued elusive nature of truth through the metaphorical likening of death to a dream “which no one wakes up from”, Shakespeare’s emphasis on death’s unknowability is furthered by euphemistic imagery of sleep. The further meditation on “Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” displays through paradox the suffering of his conscience resulting from his disillusionment with Claudius’ murder. This is extremely effective analysis here, brilliant. Moreover, it references medieval conventions of chivalry through his overbearing concern over the nobility of his inaction.Does this have some sort of contextual impact on either us or Elizabethan audiences? The genesis of existential concerns within the play is seen through Shakespeare’s representation of deception and betrayal, as mirrored by the sycophantic Polonius’ historical allusion in explaining “I did enact Julius Caesar...Brutus killed me”. Polonius himself is utilised as an exemplar of deception within the play, instructing Reynaldo when spying upon his son Laertes to “put on him what falsities you will”. In stark contrast to this notion of a facade is Polonius’ ironic earlier honest advice to his son “To thine ownself be true”, echoing the omnipresent conflict between loyalty and deception within an Elizabethan society prevalent with underlying fears of monarchical corruption. Clearly, widespread deception within corrupt hierarchical structures can be seen as an impetus for individual disillusionment and consequently, existential contemplation.Again, extremely effective analysis of the text, your final step is to develop what the audience takes away from the text (see below).
By mirroring the play’s transitional context, Shakespeare implements absurdist elements to display individual disillusionment and its far-reaching psychological impacts. The further consequences of disillusionment with the human condition are evident wherein Hamlet convinces Gertrude not to disclose this murder, revealing misogynistic tendencies in his lecturing tone “Confess yourself to heaven, Repent what’s past, avoid what’s to come”. This inhibiting factor in Hamlet’s relationships is a commentary upon patriarchal values within an Elizabethan context, whilst simultaneously a direct representation of a perceived connection between moral corruption and female sexuality. Great! How would modern audiences (where feminism is quite prevalent) react to this analysis? In depicting a transformation in protagonist Hamlet’s psyche from Christian humanism to fatalism, the playwright mimics the tragedy’s historical context, wherein Renaissance humanist and Elizabethan perspectives collided. Hamlet’s loss in moral high ground following the death of Polonius generates this shift through a realisation of the inevitability of death. This is mirrored through the notion of memento mori, that all will die, as represented in the religious allusion “To what base uses we may return...Alexander was returneth to dust”. Further absurdist elements and their proven ability to facilitate disillusionment with death are evident in alternate depictions of the play. Kenneth Branagh’s 1996 film depicts Hamlet holding a skull, symbolising the epiphanic moment of realisation of vanitas, that all are equal in death. The macabre, absurdist elements seen through stage directions parallel this notion, as Hamlet picks up Yorick’s skull, depicting his disillusionment with death in his quest for revenge whilst ultimately foreshadowing the play’s gruesome conclusion. This notion of fate elucidated from Hamlet’s inquisitive humanist actions mirror the play’s status as a Senecan revenge tragedy in Shakespeare’s complex portrayal of fate and predestination through the certainty of death. Again, fantastic analysis (though I would say this is the weakest of your paragraphs, just by comparison.
In conclusion, Hamlet’s unique portrayal of a protagonist plagued by an introspective struggle between action and inaction, pursuant to his contextualisation as a Christian humanist, serves to immortalise the play as one that transcends contextual barriers. Through a dramatic portrayal of struggle as a consequence of disillusionment, the play’s central themes continue to preserve Shakespeare’s Senecan revenge tragedy as a distinctive text that resonates with audiences worldwide.
This essay is fantastic! Your analysis is extremely effective throughout, you've done a great job bringing Shakespeare in more effectively and this raises the sophistication of your argument quite substantially. Great techniques and example, and the 'retell' styled stuff I saw in the previous version is essentially non-existent now. Fantastic, objective and powerful analysis, fabulous!
Still, because I am mean, things to work on ;D
Right now, you are not connecting your explanation of the ideas to the audiences interpretation of the text and its ideas as effectively as possible. You say (very effectively), Shakespeare uses a TECHNIQUE in this QUOTE to EXPLAIN IDEA. Now, you need to show how Shakespeare uses a TECHNIQUE(QUOTE) to EXPLAIN an idea to the AUDIENCE. What does the audience take away? What do we learn about your themes? Does our context impact on our interpretation? Does an Elizabethan audience react differently to a contemporary reader, and why? You do this in places, but not consistently, and it is essential. Remember, Shakespeare portrays ideas FOR AN AUDIENCE. To really push this essay sky high, you must be not only explaining what Shakespeare is representing, but also what the audience takes away about the themes.
Beyond this, I would simply suggest ensuring that your ideas are expressed clearly. Your first paragraph's conceptual statement has quite a bit happening, with two sets of themes and a contextual link all in one go:
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and its central themes of death and decay, as explored by the Christian humanistic eponymous protagonist, perpetuate the notion of internal conflict between action and inaction in the search for elusive truths.
You may want to have a think about whether there is a bit too much going on in the one spot. See what I mean:
Sentence 1: Concept
Sentence 2: Contextual Link
Sentence 3+4+5: Corruption and Decay
Sentence 6: Hierarchal Decay
Sentence 7: Action/Inaction (alluded, you don't mention specifically, you may want to do this)
Sentence 8+9: Action/Inaction
Sentence 10: Decay (Critic)
Sentence 11: Conclusion
In all this analysis, you don't really touch on the elusive truths part of your paragraph. Essentially, make sure your analysis stays true to what you say you will be exploring in the start of your paragraph. Keep it focused ;D
All that said, this is fantastic Essej, great work!! ;D
Thanks for this Jamon!
I've worked on adapting these edits to suit each of the given assessment questions and am feeling much more confident in answering any given question!
Appreciate all the help ! (and just to keep you on your toes i'll probably drop a legal essay on that thread in the coming week :p )
Thanks again!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 18, 2016, 11:38:36 am
Thanks for this Jamon!
I've worked on adapting these edits to suit each of the given assessment questions and am feeling much more confident in answering any given question!
Appreciate all the help ! (and just to keep you on your toes i'll probably drop a legal essay on that thread in the coming week :p )
Thanks again!
Awesome, great to hear! You are welcome, very happy to help :D look forward to reading the Legal essay, nice way to mix it up ;)
Post by: AdrianWut on May 20, 2016, 01:10:24 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 20, 2016, 09:09:04 pm
For Module A, can you read just to make sure my essay is flowing and it makes sense.
Hey Adrian! Welcome to the forums! ;D
Unfortunately, since this module marking thread is extremely popular, we have a minimum 5 post limit to receive feedback. So, once your ATAR Notes post count hits five, I can definitely give you some feedback! You are only 4 posts off, so if you hang around the site a bit, ask a question, say hey, say thanks to someone for helping out, it won't take long at all! Once it hits five pop another message in this thread and I'll jump on your essay ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 20, 2016, 09:52:11 pm
Today I received a mark of 13/25 (52%) for my English essay
I was wondering if I could get feedback on how I could've improved it because the main comments by my
English teacher was that my structure was waffly, there are too many ideas and my introduction was too convoluted.
However, she didn't elaborate further on how I could've improved this essay and I was confused by what her comments meant. I was a bit surprised and disappointed for this mark but I would really like feedback on how I could improve :)
For this criteria I only scored 4 :'(
Context, purpose and techniques (1-8marks)
Analyze how reader response is shaped by purpose context and techniques or how ideas and representations are communicated by text structures and language features.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 20, 2016, 10:55:03 pm
Hey, It me again (sorry)
I gave my teacher my essay, and basically he said that I needed to work on my fluency and then ill be good with this essay, right now he is saying this is (roughly around the 18/20). I really want 100 for this essay to balance the bad half-yearly mark I got (75%) to move up my average!!
You have helped me so much, just need some more!! :)
Hey there Alalamc!! Wow, that's an awesome bit of feedback right there, you should be so super happy with that!!
Okay, what I'll do is I'll mark this a little differently. Where in my opinion the fluency/sophistication is a little off, I'll highlight it red. And I'll pop a few comments throughout as normal ;D
Spoiler
Intertextual relationships posited among modern literature proffers new spiritual, intellectual and socio-cultural perspectives. Such relationships underpin metaphysical poet; John Donne’s, Holy Sonnets; “This is my Plays last scene” “The Relique “A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning and Margaret Edson’s play; Wit. Movements such as the Renaissance, glorified preconceptions seen as ‘challenging acts’ in 16th Century culture. Such aspects comprise of death, agnosticism and irretrievable love. The rejuvenation of such notions not only ensured the regeneration of the classical past but also the enduring impact of such values on attitudes towards social organisations and the state. This is a great introduction. I can tell this is definitely going to be a really great essay already.
This is my plays expresses the paradox of death, challenging ones’ circumlocution of themselves, their sin and the universe. Ensure the plays name is in quotes or otherwise separated (it might already be in Italics or something, I can't tell in this window ;)) Metaphorically referencing the personas’ life as a “pilgrimage”, Donne foreshadows the religious immaculacy of one’s soul after death. Try nominalising that first phrase to improve, maybe, "The metaphorical reference of:" Such metaphysical conceit, positions death triumphant over Sin, adhering to Donne’s principle objective. Moreover, the stark juxtaposition of tone and atmosphere between the euphemistic use of death, “I shall sleep a space” and the metaphorical allusion to spirituality “My ever-waking part shall see that face” intensifies the appraisal of the world after “gluttonous death”. The use of assonance implies the conception of spiritual continuity. Such impression is further glorified through stereotypical pronouns; “her” delineating positive connotative values of beauty and gentleness, reflecting renaissance values of love. It is that quote in the middle that breaks the flow of this thought. Maybe modify to "use of stereotypical pronouns such as...?" Thus Donne objectifies the axiomatic preconceptions of death, inferred by society, commending it instead, as metaphysical accomplishment. Great paragraph! You can remove some commas from that conclusive sentence.
In relation, Edson posits’ death as a metaphysical release from degradation. One-act institutionalised play; Wit proffers Vivian’s’ death as an exemption from corporeal despondency and the proposal of self-control over her life. The semicolon in the middle there interrupts flow at a weird time. Such continuous structural form builds and maintains this momentum in the theatre. Edson’s expression of theatrics; stage lighting, sound and dialogue are used to enhance the grandeur of death. Such supernatural conceit can be regarded as symbolic of an inner spiritual rejuvenation; purposefully as well as metaphorically for life, highlighting such necrosis as a a means of metaphysical freedom from the living world. Be careful not to continually say "Such...", vary your sentence structure a tad if you can. Furthermore, Edson’s biblical allusion to Vivian’s nudity upon her transcendence expresses values of innocence, vulnerability and spiritual expurgation of the metaphysical world. Quote? Such emotion is reinforced through the repetitive usage of punctuation motif; “!”, which Vivian herself sees as an “overstatement”. This is just exclamation marks, try to be succinct and direct with your textual references. Such scriptural conceit is fortified through Edson’s intertextual satire of Donne’s TIMPLS, Vivian implies she appreciated the poem in the abstract, however ironically now she finds her “minutes last point… a little too… pointed”. Check sentence flow. Further, ensure that when you use a link like this, the link is clear. The allusion you are talking about is two sentences ago, and I had to do a double take to catch back up. Links can be powerful in English essays, but they can also lose the meaning quickly, be careful. In this instance Vivian ironically uses her own wit, to avoid the personal implications of Donne’s images of death, reinforcing her newly found oversight. Thus it is understood through Edson’s reinforcement of Christian belief, that newly profound insight and dismissal of worldly values vitiates the reality of death. Good paragraph, but I'll mention that your concluding sentence and introductory sentence don't really match up. Ensure that you are consistent with your conceptual focus.
Moreover The Relique enunciates an attempt to deceive death through love, through which the extended metaphor acknowledges the immortality of love on the grounds of notoriety. What extended metaphor? Be specific here. During Donne’s time, the Jacobean era saw the first establishment of English colonies in North America and the era of the famous ‘gunpowder plot’ to blow up parliament and Westminster. Donne himself perceived it as a time where “the new philosophy calls all in doubt”. The subject matter ‘doubt’ subjugates his religious poetry as he appraises his relationship with God. The disrepute nature of “a time… where mis-devotion doth commands” is expressed through Donne’s vernacular, subjective application of gender stereotypes. Both the persona and his lover are declared “relics” of love, in the same way Roman Catholic cultures declared objects of veneration, religious relics. Donne’s use of wit for characterisation “Thou shalt be a Mary Magdalen”, metaphorically adduces the female lover as a figure of both sin and faith. Such juxtaposition enhances the religious satire of the re-establishment of catholic views and divine directions of the modern world; “nature, injured by late law”. In addition, such conception is enhanced through the tautology of the metonymic view of women “to be more than one a bed”. The combination of satirical humour and wit expresses humour, further enhanced with the symbolic application of “relics”; Donne implies the continuity of love and humour even after death. The contemporary reader can hence appreciate the wit; wordplay and strength of love without sharing the religious beliefs, as the examination of faith and existence of doubt in his poetry are universal. Hence Donne positions love; a doctrinal notion, as transcendent over sin and death. Good stuff. The red bits are primarily issues with textual referencing, try to include it in a more direct way which doesn't interrupt the flow. Keep it simple.
In comparison, Edson proffers to delude death through scholarship, exhibiting elite intellectualism, as a devoid of human emotion. Predicating social context on the state of medical science and its repercussion on society’s cultural preconceptions of spiritual cessation, Edson posits wit and wordplay as an abstraction of death. Employing postmodernist drama, Edson’s theatrical schism of the “4th wall” and intellectual pun; “former student giving me a pelvic exam was thoroughly degrading”, conceals human disconcertion and thus suggests Edson’s wit is an attempt to “curtain” the validity of situations i.e. death. Moreover, Edson utilises a movable, cold and sterile set to effectuate Vivian’s stoic context and symbolise the lack of compassion in a stereotypically academic institution. Hence Edson like Donne, intellectually challenges the cultural preconceptions of transcendence, in which author; Anthony. D. Williams would see the gain of “knowledge through reading and wisdom through living”. This paragraph is definitely not as rich as the others (obvious in the length), was this raised as an issue by your teacher? It just seems a little unbalanced, not a direct issue for me.
In contrast Donne’s, A Valediction proffers the transcendence of human love, claiming authentic human passion can endure physical separation, as it more the just temporary passion. Donne’s highlights such “breach” as a paradox for the “expansion” of human enlightenment. However through Donne’s mathematical conceit and allusion to the “compass” he reinforces the metaphysical characteristics of love and its “stiff” characteristics in the partition of “souls” and singularity. Furthermore, Donne utilises the indirect intertextual allusionof to 16th century Renaissance values of love to conjure an image of immortality. How is this done? The extended metaphor “Thy firmness makes my circle just, and makes me end where I began”, reinforces the efficacy of true sentiment, further enhanced through the use of double entendre “circle”, highlighting the endless continuity of love. “Like gold to airy thinness beat”, such allusion to the medieval past, also is applied by Donne, as a scientific reference to the malleable qualities of love and its valuation to the persona. Hence, such values within interpersonal relationships enhance the value of transcendent love within human culture.
Thus, such intertextual perspectives of Edson and Donne, emblematise the metaphysical teachings through human experience in the modern world, depicts love as the highest ideal in human affairs. Not only does Donne’s poetry intertwine 16th century social, cultural and historical contexts but further on matured to be more introspective through his use of metaphysical wit, acknowledging Donne’s perspective of world values.Try values instead of contexts, might be a little nicer to the ear? Thus we as audience come to our understanding that inquisition into religious catechism, the afterlife as well as human infatuation, configure modern culture and philosophy through the classical past. Such lens not only allows individuals new oversight but the rediscovery of human compassion, empathy and death as highlighted in Wit.
This is my plays expresses the paradox of death, challenging ones’ circumlocution of themselves, their sin and the universe. Ensure the plays name is in quotes or otherwise separated (it might already be in Italics or something, I can't tell in this window ;)) Metaphorically referencing the personas’ life as a “pilgrimage”, Donne foreshadows the religious immaculacy of one’s soul after death. Try nominalising that first phrase to improve, maybe, "The metaphorical reference of:" Such metaphysical conceit, positions death triumphant over Sin, adhering to Donne’s principle objective. Moreover, the stark juxtaposition of tone and atmosphere between the euphemistic use of death, “I shall sleep a space” and the metaphorical allusion to spirituality “My ever-waking part shall see that face” intensifies the appraisal of the world after “gluttonous death”. The use of assonance implies the conception of spiritual continuity. Such impression is further glorified through stereotypical pronouns; “her” delineating positive connotative values of beauty and gentleness, reflecting renaissance values of love. It is that quote in the middle that breaks the flow of this thought. Maybe modify to "use of stereotypical pronouns such as...?" Thus Donne objectifies the axiomatic preconceptions of death, inferred by society, commending it instead, as metaphysical accomplishment. Great paragraph! You can remove some commas from that conclusive sentence.
In relation, Edson posits’ death as a metaphysical release from degradation. One-act institutionalised play; Wit proffers Vivian’s’ death as an exemption from corporeal despondency and the proposal of self-control over her life. The semicolon in the middle there interrupts flow at a weird time. Such continuous structural form builds and maintains this momentum in the theatre. Edson’s expression of theatrics; stage lighting, sound and dialogue are used to enhance the grandeur of death. Such supernatural conceit can be regarded as symbolic of an inner spiritual rejuvenation; purposefully as well as metaphorically for life, highlighting such necrosis as a a means of metaphysical freedom from the living world. Be careful not to continually say "Such...", vary your sentence structure a tad if you can. Furthermore, Edson’s biblical allusion to Vivian’s nudity upon her transcendence expresses values of innocence, vulnerability and spiritual expurgation of the metaphysical world. Quote? Such emotion is reinforced through the repetitive usage of punctuation motif; “!”, which Vivian herself sees as an “overstatement”. This is just exclamation marks, try to be succinct and direct with your textual references. Such scriptural conceit is fortified through Edson’s intertextual satire of Donne’s TIMPLS, Vivian implies she appreciated the poem in the abstract, however ironically now she finds her “minutes last point… a little too… pointed”. Check sentence flow. Further, ensure that when you use a link like this, the link is clear. The allusion you are talking about is two sentences ago, and I had to do a double take to catch back up. Links can be powerful in English essays, but they can also lose the meaning quickly, be careful. In this instance Vivian ironically uses her own wit, to avoid the personal implications of Donne’s images of death, reinforcing her newly found oversight. Thus it is understood through Edson’s reinforcement of Christian belief, that newly profound insight and dismissal of worldly values vitiates the reality of death. Good paragraph, but I'll mention that your concluding sentence and introductory sentence don't really match up. Ensure that you are consistent with your conceptual focus.
Moreover The Relique enunciates an attempt to deceive death through love, through which the extended metaphor acknowledges the immortality of love on the grounds of notoriety. What extended metaphor? Be specific here. During Donne’s time, the Jacobean era saw the first establishment of English colonies in North America and the era of the famous ‘gunpowder plot’ to blow up parliament and Westminster. Donne himself perceived it as a time where “the new philosophy calls all in doubt”. The subject matter ‘doubt’ subjugates his religious poetry as he appraises his relationship with God. The disrepute nature of “a time… where mis-devotion doth commands” is expressed through Donne’s vernacular, subjective application of gender stereotypes. Both the persona and his lover are declared “relics” of love, in the same way Roman Catholic cultures declared objects of veneration, religious relics. Donne’s use of wit for characterisation “Thou shalt be a Mary Magdalen”, metaphorically adduces the female lover as a figure of both sin and faith. Such juxtaposition enhances the religious satire of the re-establishment of catholic views and divine directions of the modern world; “nature, injured by late law”. In addition, such conception is enhanced through the tautology of the metonymic view of women “to be more than one a bed”. The combination of satirical humour and wit expresses humour, further enhanced with the symbolic application of “relics”; Donne implies the continuity of love and humour even after death. The contemporary reader can hence appreciate the wit; wordplay and strength of love without sharing the religious beliefs, as the examination of faith and existence of doubt in his poetry are universal. Hence Donne positions love; a doctrinal notion, as transcendent over sin and death. Good stuff. The red bits are primarily issues with textual referencing, try to include it in a more direct way which doesn't interrupt the flow. Keep it simple.
In comparison, Edson proffers to delude death through scholarship, exhibiting elite intellectualism, as a devoid of human emotion. Predicating social context on the state of medical science and its repercussion on society’s cultural preconceptions of spiritual cessation, Edson posits wit and wordplay as an abstraction of death. Employing postmodernist drama, Edson’s theatrical schism of the “4th wall” and intellectual pun; “former student giving me a pelvic exam was thoroughly degrading”, conceals human disconcertion and thus suggests Edson’s wit is an attempt to “curtain” the validity of situations i.e. death. Moreover, Edson utilises a movable, cold and sterile set to effectuate Vivian’s stoic context and symbolise the lack of compassion in a stereotypically academic institution. Hence Edson like Donne, intellectually challenges the cultural preconceptions of transcendence, in which author; Anthony. D. Williams would see the gain of “knowledge through reading and wisdom through living”. This paragraph is definitely not as rich as the others (obvious in the length), was this raised as an issue by your teacher? It just seems a little unbalanced, not a direct issue for me.
In contrast Donne’s, A Valediction proffers the transcendence of human love, claiming authentic human passion can endure physical separation, as it more the just temporary passion. Donne’s highlights such “breach” as a paradox for the “expansion” of human enlightenment. However through Donne’s mathematical conceit and allusion to the “compass” he reinforces the metaphysical characteristics of love and its “stiff” characteristics in the partition of “souls” and singularity. Furthermore, Donne utilises the indirect intertextual allusion
Thus, such intertextual perspectives of Edson and Donne, emblematise the metaphysical teachings through human experience in the modern world, depicts love as the highest ideal in human affairs. Not only does Donne’s poetry intertwine 16th century social, cultural and historical contexts but further on matured to be more introspective through his use of metaphysical wit, acknowledging Donne’s perspective of world values.Try values instead of contexts, might be a little nicer to the ear? Thus we as audience come to our understanding that inquisition into religious catechism, the afterlife as well as human infatuation, configure modern culture and philosophy through the classical past. Such lens not only allows individuals new oversight but the rediscovery of human compassion, empathy and death as highlighted in Wit.
I see why this essay got 18/20, it's fabulous!! I don't really see fluency as a huge issue, but on occasion, your textual references do seem slightly out of place. Just not quite referenced in the correct way. Work on fixing the references, get them more succinct and more direct. For example, repetitive use of punctuation motif, that's just repeated use of exclamation. Little fixes like that may improve your flow.
Further, ensure that all your ideas flow from one sentence to the other in a nice way. Each sentence should relatively on its own, and any link between the two should be EXTREMELY clear to the reader. And never link to any idea unless it was the very last thing you spoke about. Don't force the reader to search, be clear and logical with your flow. There was times in your response where I had to be like, oh, what idea are you referencing here? I indicated one example that stood out, you may find it occurs to a lesser degree elsewhere.
Besides this, your analysis is strong (though remember to always attribute techniques to the composer, not the character) and has a variety of textual references throughout. Remember to keep linking to what the audience learns from the text. I think your conceptual focus is drawn out effectively, and your introduction and conclusion are succinct and sophisticated, nicely done. This is a super high quality response, I had to be nit-picky to find stuff to mention here!! Excellent work ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 21, 2016, 12:42:23 am
Hello :)
Today I received a mark of 13/25 (52%) for my English essay
I was wondering if I could get feedback on how I could've improved it because the main comments by my
English teacher was that my structure was waffly, there are too many ideas and my introduction was too convoluted.
However, she didn't elaborate further on how I could've improved this essay and I was confused by what her comments meant. I was a bit surprised and disappointed for this mark but I would really like feedback on how I could improve :)
For this criteria I only scored 4 :'(
Context, purpose and techniques (1-8marks)
Analyze how reader response is shaped by purpose context and techniques or how ideas and representations are communicated by text structures and language features.
Hey there!! Okay then, I will try to give you something to work on and we can get you mark up to where you want it to be!! ;D don't let one less than ideal result get to you, my results for English started lower than I wanted too, it always goes up!! ;D I'll try and focus on the feedback they've given you too! So I'll rip your introduction to shreds, and I'm going to be very picky on techniques and structure (I'm going to highlight techniques in red and quotes in green). It seems like your teacher is a rough marker, so I guess I have to be too ;)
Spoiler
Q1. Analyse how your response to one extended text you have studied (Animal Farm) has been influenced by purpose, context and the use of techniques appropriate to your chosen text type.
One of George Orwell’s most memorable quotes ‘ All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others’ eerily reflects the didactic moral lesson of the dangers of totalitarianism from the gradual alteration of the ideal ‘Animalism’ established in the beginning of the fable ‘Animal farm’. If your teacher is saying that this intro is convoluted, perhaps they aren't liking the quote. I think it works quite well, perhaps you should ask about this? Totalitarianism is dangerous because it robs dignity and restricts freedoms that we are entitled to. This sentence is a little bit redundant, it doesn't add anything to your argument. Orwell’s allegorical, satire fable ‘Animal farm’ is a powerful critique of the dangers and perversion of Socialism in Communist Russia under the dictatorship of Joseph Stalin. Perhaps using the word 'Socialism' is breaking the totalitarian focus a little here, try to draw a stronger link between what you have already been discussing. Orwell illustrates and shapes the reader’s response towards the dangers of the axioms of totalitarianism by prompting alertness, awareness and fear. These responses are shaped by Orwell’s utilization of purpose, language techniques and the context of the Russian Revolution to the dangerous axioms: absolute power corrupts absolutely, language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant and unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety leads to oppression. This list of ideas is important to include, however, it is a little tough to follow, try adding a comma after ignorant to break it up a little bit more.
John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton famously stated that ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.’ This is absolutely reflected in Orwell’s purpose, language techniques and the incorporation of the context of the Russian Revolution prompting alertness to the danger of tyrannical leaders holding absolute power. ‘Animal Farm’ is the embodiment of Orwell’s passion as a socialist criticising the cruelties of Communism. Through the use of cyclic textual structure Orwell expresses the inevitable cycle of corruption of leaders influencing the audience to come to realise that power will corrupt absolutely. This is reinforced by our knowledge of the Russian revolution and the alteration of Karl Marx’s original ideal of equality. This knowledge amplifies the audience’s alertness to draw parallels and correlate additional information and meaning provided by Orwell in ‘Animal farm’ to the reality of how corruption is still prevalent in the world today. That sentence adds nothing new, it is basically saying, "the audience links the text to their real life." This is intuitively obvious, keep the focus on analysis. Orwell simultaneously correlates Napoleon's effective characterisation and actions to the historical figure Joseph Stalin to emphasise and convey his intent, effectively shaping our response to be alert to the danger of this axiom. How is Napoleon characterised to be similar to Stalin? The tyranny of the pigs is emphasised by the onomatopoeia ‘Immediately the dogs bounded forward, seized four of the pigs by the ear and dragged them squealing with terror’ creates a vivid imagery of the abuse of power silencing protest under Stalin’s rule. This is not an onomatopoeic phrase, it is just aural imagery. Hence, Orwell uses context and language techniques to alert readers that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Overall, the quality of your analysis is quite high in this paragraph. However, you really only have one quote and technique, and one structural element. This isn't enough to be highly effective, if you want the top marks, you need to have 4/5 per paragraph. That's the amount you need to squeeze in, it isn't easy, but if you cut the fluff it is definitely doable.
The use of language techniques, is undeniably reflective of how language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant and positions the audience to be aware of this danger. This topic sentence is a little circular, language is reflective of how language can be manipulated..." Try to simplify it just a tad. Orwell utilizes the systematic violation of the seven commandments and historical context to emphasise his purpose. Be more specific by what you mean here. Squealer’s mastery of the manipulation of language controls other animals on the farm prompting them to doubt themselves by asking rhetorical questions ‘ Are you certain that this is not something that you have dreamed, comrades? Have you any record of such a resolution?’ quells protest and silences them while clearly conveying Orwell’s intent through Squealer’s characterisation. Be careful, Squealer has not mastered anything, this should all be attributed to Orwell. Orwell personifies Squealer as propaganda to correlate to the audience how Stalin manipulated the proletariats in Russia. Slightly awkward wording here. Orwell uses further characterisation to illustrate how Napoleon’s disposition as the leader of the farm correlates to Stalin’s ascension as Lenin’s successor after chasing Trotsky out of Russia and assassinating him. Characterisation is not specific enough by itself, how has techniques been used to achieve it? Orwell also uses the repetition ‘long live’ to capture how language is used to idolise and praise Napoleon as a superior being who is like ‘the sun in the sky’. How does repetition achieve this? Does it repeatedly re-enforce some other presented idea? Be sure to match the technique to what it actually achieves. Through the use of rhetorical questions, repetition and metaphor the audience comes to realise that the manipulation of language to control others is something that we should be aware of and this is only re-enforced by our knowledge of the Russian revolution. Again, only really two textual references. What is here works well, you just need more of it, and thus need to be more efficient with your word choice!
Orwell’s use of language techniques, is irrefutably reflective of the danger of unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety and positioning the audience to fear the consequences of this danger. This is absolutely in line with Orwell’s representational goals and intended purpose, further recited in his simplistic language style to allow the audience to comprehend his intent by using simple, uncomplicated language to communicate a clear message. Last part of that sentence was somewhat redundant, think carefully about your word choice, in this sentence stopping after 'intent' would have been sufficient. Orwell uses an emotive tone in the scene where Boxer is taken to his death “A cry of horror burst from all the animals” utilizes the emotive language of ‘horror’ and ‘burst’ and Boxer’s effective characterisation of faithful obedience to the pigs emphasising the emotive appeal of fear conveyed to the audience. Watch your wording there, you mentioned the technique twice. Napoleon is personified as the epitome of greed and symbolises how the corruption of socialism in Russia under Stalin exploited the working class of Russia Boxer personifies.How? Another language feature is the symbolism of the windmill embodying the pigs' absolute power and manipulation of the naive animals. Can you provide a quote as evidence? Hence, the danger of unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety is communicated to the reader by Orwell’s use of language features and historical context of the Russian Revolution.
George Orwell’s fable ‘Animal farm’ effectively communicates the dangers of Communism clearly by prompting the audience to be alert, aware and fear that absolute power corrupts absolutely, language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant and unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety leads to oppression. Orwell’s fable is renowned in conveying a didactic moral lesson of the dangers of totalitarianism throughout the fable. You need to add something about language, context and purpose in this conclusion, it was a big part of your introduction and so needs to be present here, especially since it is the focus of the question.
One of George Orwell’s most memorable quotes ‘ All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others’ eerily reflects the didactic moral lesson of the dangers of totalitarianism from the gradual alteration of the ideal ‘Animalism’ established in the beginning of the fable ‘Animal farm’. If your teacher is saying that this intro is convoluted, perhaps they aren't liking the quote. I think it works quite well, perhaps you should ask about this? Totalitarianism is dangerous because it robs dignity and restricts freedoms that we are entitled to. This sentence is a little bit redundant, it doesn't add anything to your argument. Orwell’s allegorical, satire fable ‘Animal farm’ is a powerful critique of the dangers and perversion of Socialism in Communist Russia under the dictatorship of Joseph Stalin. Perhaps using the word 'Socialism' is breaking the totalitarian focus a little here, try to draw a stronger link between what you have already been discussing. Orwell illustrates and shapes the reader’s response towards the dangers of the axioms of totalitarianism by prompting alertness, awareness and fear. These responses are shaped by Orwell’s utilization of purpose, language techniques and the context of the Russian Revolution to the dangerous axioms: absolute power corrupts absolutely, language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant and unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety leads to oppression. This list of ideas is important to include, however, it is a little tough to follow, try adding a comma after ignorant to break it up a little bit more.
John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton famously stated that ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.’ This is absolutely reflected in Orwell’s purpose, language techniques and the incorporation of the context of the Russian Revolution prompting alertness to the danger of tyrannical leaders holding absolute power. ‘Animal Farm’ is the embodiment of Orwell’s passion as a socialist criticising the cruelties of Communism. Through the use of cyclic textual structure Orwell expresses the inevitable cycle of corruption of leaders influencing the audience to come to realise that power will corrupt absolutely. This is reinforced by our knowledge of the Russian revolution and the alteration of Karl Marx’s original ideal of equality. This knowledge amplifies the audience’s alertness to draw parallels and correlate additional information and meaning provided by Orwell in ‘Animal farm’ to the reality of how corruption is still prevalent in the world today. That sentence adds nothing new, it is basically saying, "the audience links the text to their real life." This is intuitively obvious, keep the focus on analysis. Orwell simultaneously correlates Napoleon's effective characterisation and actions to the historical figure Joseph Stalin to emphasise and convey his intent, effectively shaping our response to be alert to the danger of this axiom. How is Napoleon characterised to be similar to Stalin? The tyranny of the pigs is emphasised by the onomatopoeia ‘Immediately the dogs bounded forward, seized four of the pigs by the ear and dragged them squealing with terror’ creates a vivid imagery of the abuse of power silencing protest under Stalin’s rule. This is not an onomatopoeic phrase, it is just aural imagery. Hence, Orwell uses context and language techniques to alert readers that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Overall, the quality of your analysis is quite high in this paragraph. However, you really only have one quote and technique, and one structural element. This isn't enough to be highly effective, if you want the top marks, you need to have 4/5 per paragraph. That's the amount you need to squeeze in, it isn't easy, but if you cut the fluff it is definitely doable.
The use of language techniques, is undeniably reflective of how language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant and positions the audience to be aware of this danger. This topic sentence is a little circular, language is reflective of how language can be manipulated..." Try to simplify it just a tad. Orwell utilizes the systematic violation of the seven commandments and historical context to emphasise his purpose. Be more specific by what you mean here. Squealer’s mastery of the manipulation of language controls other animals on the farm prompting them to doubt themselves by asking rhetorical questions ‘ Are you certain that this is not something that you have dreamed, comrades? Have you any record of such a resolution?’ quells protest and silences them while clearly conveying Orwell’s intent through Squealer’s characterisation. Be careful, Squealer has not mastered anything, this should all be attributed to Orwell. Orwell personifies Squealer as propaganda to correlate to the audience how Stalin manipulated the proletariats in Russia. Slightly awkward wording here. Orwell uses further characterisation to illustrate how Napoleon’s disposition as the leader of the farm correlates to Stalin’s ascension as Lenin’s successor after chasing Trotsky out of Russia and assassinating him. Characterisation is not specific enough by itself, how has techniques been used to achieve it? Orwell also uses the repetition ‘long live’ to capture how language is used to idolise and praise Napoleon as a superior being who is like ‘the sun in the sky’. How does repetition achieve this? Does it repeatedly re-enforce some other presented idea? Be sure to match the technique to what it actually achieves. Through the use of rhetorical questions, repetition and metaphor the audience comes to realise that the manipulation of language to control others is something that we should be aware of and this is only re-enforced by our knowledge of the Russian revolution. Again, only really two textual references. What is here works well, you just need more of it, and thus need to be more efficient with your word choice!
Orwell’s use of language techniques, is irrefutably reflective of the danger of unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety and positioning the audience to fear the consequences of this danger. This is absolutely in line with Orwell’s representational goals and intended purpose, further recited in his simplistic language style to allow the audience to comprehend his intent by using simple, uncomplicated language to communicate a clear message. Last part of that sentence was somewhat redundant, think carefully about your word choice, in this sentence stopping after 'intent' would have been sufficient. Orwell uses an emotive tone in the scene where Boxer is taken to his death “A cry of horror burst from all the animals” utilizes the emotive language of ‘horror’ and ‘burst’ and Boxer’s effective characterisation of faithful obedience to the pigs emphasising the emotive appeal of fear conveyed to the audience. Watch your wording there, you mentioned the technique twice. Napoleon is personified as the epitome of greed and symbolises how the corruption of socialism in Russia under Stalin exploited the working class of Russia Boxer personifies.How? Another language feature is the symbolism of the windmill embodying the pigs' absolute power and manipulation of the naive animals. Can you provide a quote as evidence? Hence, the danger of unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety is communicated to the reader by Orwell’s use of language features and historical context of the Russian Revolution.
George Orwell’s fable ‘Animal farm’ effectively communicates the dangers of Communism clearly by prompting the audience to be alert, aware and fear that absolute power corrupts absolutely, language can be manipulated to control and deceive the naive and ignorant and unquestioned obedience and proletariat naivety leads to oppression. Orwell’s fable is renowned in conveying a didactic moral lesson of the dangers of totalitarianism throughout the fable. You need to add something about language, context and purpose in this conclusion, it was a big part of your introduction and so needs to be present here, especially since it is the focus of the question.
Okay, so to elaborate on your teachers feedback:
Structure was Waffly: I don't necessarily agree here, but your conclusion needs to be adjusted to include the big point from your intro; language, context and purpose. Otherwise, I think the structure works fairly well!
There are too many Ideas: The issue being raised here is that each paragraph is too elaborate by itself. Essentially, "absolute power corrupts absolutely" could be an essay by itself. As a result, the analysis can't properly explore the idea, and thus the essay becomes slightly convoluted. Try simplifying the concepts a tad!
My introduction was too convoluted : See my comments above, but the other thing you need is a Thesis statement, a single statement at the start of your essay (in your case, it would work better just after the quote) which summarises your entire essay in one sentence. For you, it will likely be something about totalitarianism. What is the main idea you are exploring? Try and get one of these statements into your introduction to set your entire essay up a little more effectively.
And finally, more techniques!! You don't have enough to sustain an effective analysis, and that is probably why you lost marks in that section. Try and aim for 4 per paragraph if you really want those tops marks ;D
Post by: Alalamc on May 21, 2016, 09:44:58 am
Yes the paragraph you mentioned is short, the reason is that during the day we are going to see a stimulus (unknown) about the play and have to incorporate it in (that's where I will do it).
Thankyou for actually being thorough and bringing everything that needs attention to my attention :) :) :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 21, 2016, 10:17:09 am
Would be alright if I post an edited version of this essay later? ^o^
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 21, 2016, 12:04:34 pm
Thankyou, being super thorough is really appreciated!!!!!
Yes the paragraph you mentioned is short, the reason is that during the day we are going to see a stimulus (unknown) about the play and have to incorporate it in (that's where I will do it).
Thankyou for actually being thorough and bringing everything that needs attention to my attention :) :) :)
Ahhh yep I am with you, great that sounds perfect then!!
No problem at all! Fluency is a little tough, because everyone reads it a little differently, but hopefully my bits in red will help you find some areas to improve! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 21, 2016, 12:05:25 pm
Thank you so much for you help :)
Would be alright if I post an edited version of this essay later? ^o^
Absolutely!! I happen to be busy tonight and tomorrow morning though, so it might not be marked until Sunday night or even Monday morning that's all ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 22, 2016, 01:26:26 am
I really want to do well in this one considering my latest score :'(
I've started my essay but I'm not sure if I'm heading in the correct direction or whether I am going astray.
We have to do a opinion piece. And I have no idea how to do one so all advice and feedback is appreciated :)
I was also wondering if I could have feedback on how well I fulfilled the marking key I attached if it is okay :)
I was particularly confused about this part of the marking key
Contextual understanding
1-7
Analyse how contextual factors can influence understanding of a text
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 22, 2016, 10:42:23 pm
In your view, how does Shakespeare’s portrayal of the complex nature of revenge contribute to the enduring value of Hamlet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the extract from Hamlet and the play as a whole.
...
Hey qwerty! Thanks for posting your essay!
Unfortunately, since this module marking thread is extremely popular, we have a minimum 5 post limit to receive feedback. So, once your ATAR Notes post count hits five, I can definitely give you some feedback! You are only 3 posts off, so if you hang around the site a bit, ask a question, say hey, say thanks to someone for helping out, it won't take long at all! Once it hits five pop another message in this thread and I'll jump on your essay ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 23, 2016, 01:43:44 pm
Hello I'm back again with another essay to write
I really want to do well in this one considering my latest score :'(
I've started my essay but I'm not sure if I'm heading in the correct direction or whether I am going astray.
We have to do a opinion piece. And I have no idea how to do one so all advice and feedback is appreciated :)
I was also wondering if I could have feedback on how well I fulfilled the marking key I attached if it is okay :)
I was particularly confused about this part of the marking key
Contextual understanding
1-7
Analyse how contextual factors can influence understanding of a text
Hey there!! I've attached your essay below with some comments:
Spoiler
In an opinion piece, discuss the extent to which your understanding of the text has been influenced by your research and by an awareness of your own personal context.
The axiomatic aesthetic elegance of literature is reflected in autobiographies delving into the resplendent inspirational life experiences and lessons learned retrospectively by the author. These characteristic valuable experiences and lessons explored in autobiographies are evident in Li Cunxin’s autobiography ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. Equipped apropos knowledge of Li Cunxin’s personal context and the historical context of Communist China, greatly influenced and incited my appreciation of the meaningful impact context accentuates to all literatury pieces. This understanding of the necessity of context elicits my feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame in abusing the privilege of the freedom of religion as granted, the lack of appreciation and love towards family relations and laziness in striving to realise one’s dreams despite fortunate opportunities. Good introduction! Normally I'd say not to use first person, but this is an opinion piece, so I'd say it is okay. Your vocabulary is impressive, but remember this is an opinion piece, your language may not need to be of the high sophistication required for essays. You can relax a bit if you want!
The historical context of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was effective in inciting guilt towards how I abuse privileges of the freedom of religion that I take for granted. Careful with wording, it isn't the context that did it, it is the text, but it is through the text inciting this guilt that you become aware of the context. Watch out for subtle stuff like this. ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was set in the period of Communist china and illustrated impoverished life under the dictatorship of Mao Zedong. Mao Zedong was heavenly idolised and worshipped by the proletariat population of China as the impersonation of a heavenly God. Songs were sung, respects paid and family was incomparable to brainwashed loyalty to Mao Zedong. Under his reign the Cultural Revolution reached its most chaotic period (middle of 1966). Young Red Guards Burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork- anything. They tore down temples and shrines. Way too much plot detail, focus on analysis and techniques! Mao wanted communism to have no competition and to be the only faith. Without the knowledge of the historical context of Communist China the true depth and impact of the dark atrocities behind ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ would have been omitted. However, further research into the historical context of this autobiography has effectively encapsulated my feelings of guilt of towards how I abuse the privilege of the freedom of religion. You need to show how the TEXT is doing this, not the context itself. In contrast, to the period of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ religions are not restricted or impeded for me. The freedom of religion is a universal right, however, ‘in Mao’s Last Dancer’ this privilege I take for granted has been taken forcefully from the population of China during this time. Research of historical context has enabled me to understand the full extent and power of this extremity that Red Guards have committed, defacing all religious items that held glimpses and flavours of other faiths such as smashing sacred temples and shrines and burning literatury pieces to ashes. This vivid yet horrifying event has been etched into my mind as as the epitome of disrespect and vandalism towards religion. The axiomatic necessity of knowledge of historical context has accentuated my feelings of guilt juxtaposed by how I abuse the privilege of religion lavishly where religion was ripped forcefully away from others. While the ideas and contextual links in this paragraph are effective, there is no textual analysis. You MUST include quotes from the text and analyse them just as you would in an essay.
The axiomatic impact of author’s context and historical context has incited the strongest feeling of embarrassment towards my lack of appreciation and love towards family relations. My grandmother was born during the reign of Mao Zedong and suffered in poverty. My great grandmother was ill and was unable to care for my grandmother and her siblings. As the eldest she cared and raised her siblings on behalf of her ill mother. My grandmother displayed enormous amounts of love and responsibility for her family. (to be continued if what I have done so far is correct) Hmm, this is interesting. An opinion piece might include something like this, to be honest I am not sure!! Best consult your teacher as to their expectations, this is very out of the ordinary, and if you do it you should definitely be tying in textual references to your anecdote.
Li Cunxin’s quixotic displays of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline in striving to realise one’s dreams has incited my awareness of my own personal context. The knowledge of Cunxin’s personal context has effectively positioned me to respect and inspire to display these inspirational attributes. From amongst millions of peasant children in China. He was granted a privilege that changed his future as a common labourer in Qingdao Northeast China. His determination, resilience, commitment and self discipline allowed him to conquer various obstacles in his path during his time at the Beijing Dance Academy strengthening his growth as a dancer. On his shoulders rested the weight to succeed for his family living in severe poverty prompted his determination and self discipline to conquer these obstacles. This knowledge has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. This idea is emphasised by the tortuous self discipline Cunxin subjected himself and his determination to do a master a complex ballet move. Watch wording here, a little awkward. This particular scene in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ effectively utilizes imagery and descriptive language to create a powerful and memorable moment ‘In Mao’s last Dancer’ as the climax of his determination towards accomplishing his dreams. Be more specific, what is memorable/powerful about it? This particular scene in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart. He practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. Despite being faced with such obstacles he ultimately achieved prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career. Equipped with the knowledge of his personal context it has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed that despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the impact ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has own me and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin. I quite like the more personal approach you are taking with the response, it's definitely addressing the question, but you STILL NEED ANALYSIS OF QUOTES! This is always the focus of an english response.
The axiomatic aesthetic elegance of literature is reflected in autobiographies delving into the resplendent inspirational life experiences and lessons learned retrospectively by the author. These characteristic valuable experiences and lessons explored in autobiographies are evident in Li Cunxin’s autobiography ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. Equipped apropos knowledge of Li Cunxin’s personal context and the historical context of Communist China, greatly influenced and incited my appreciation of the meaningful impact context accentuates to all literatury pieces. This understanding of the necessity of context elicits my feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame in abusing the privilege of the freedom of religion as granted, the lack of appreciation and love towards family relations and laziness in striving to realise one’s dreams despite fortunate opportunities. Good introduction! Normally I'd say not to use first person, but this is an opinion piece, so I'd say it is okay. Your vocabulary is impressive, but remember this is an opinion piece, your language may not need to be of the high sophistication required for essays. You can relax a bit if you want!
The historical context of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was effective in inciting guilt towards how I abuse privileges of the freedom of religion that I take for granted. Careful with wording, it isn't the context that did it, it is the text, but it is through the text inciting this guilt that you become aware of the context. Watch out for subtle stuff like this. ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was set in the period of Communist china and illustrated impoverished life under the dictatorship of Mao Zedong. Mao Zedong was heavenly idolised and worshipped by the proletariat population of China as the impersonation of a heavenly God. Songs were sung, respects paid and family was incomparable to brainwashed loyalty to Mao Zedong. Under his reign the Cultural Revolution reached its most chaotic period (middle of 1966). Young Red Guards Burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork- anything. They tore down temples and shrines. Way too much plot detail, focus on analysis and techniques! Mao wanted communism to have no competition and to be the only faith. Without the knowledge of the historical context of Communist China the true depth and impact of the dark atrocities behind ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ would have been omitted. However, further research into the historical context of this autobiography has effectively encapsulated my feelings of guilt of towards how I abuse the privilege of the freedom of religion. You need to show how the TEXT is doing this, not the context itself. In contrast, to the period of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ religions are not restricted or impeded for me. The freedom of religion is a universal right, however, ‘in Mao’s Last Dancer’ this privilege I take for granted has been taken forcefully from the population of China during this time. Research of historical context has enabled me to understand the full extent and power of this extremity that Red Guards have committed, defacing all religious items that held glimpses and flavours of other faiths such as smashing sacred temples and shrines and burning literatury pieces to ashes. This vivid yet horrifying event has been etched into my mind as as the epitome of disrespect and vandalism towards religion. The axiomatic necessity of knowledge of historical context has accentuated my feelings of guilt juxtaposed by how I abuse the privilege of religion lavishly where religion was ripped forcefully away from others. While the ideas and contextual links in this paragraph are effective, there is no textual analysis. You MUST include quotes from the text and analyse them just as you would in an essay.
The axiomatic impact of author’s context and historical context has incited the strongest feeling of embarrassment towards my lack of appreciation and love towards family relations. My grandmother was born during the reign of Mao Zedong and suffered in poverty. My great grandmother was ill and was unable to care for my grandmother and her siblings. As the eldest she cared and raised her siblings on behalf of her ill mother. My grandmother displayed enormous amounts of love and responsibility for her family. (to be continued if what I have done so far is correct) Hmm, this is interesting. An opinion piece might include something like this, to be honest I am not sure!! Best consult your teacher as to their expectations, this is very out of the ordinary, and if you do it you should definitely be tying in textual references to your anecdote.
Li Cunxin’s quixotic displays of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline in striving to realise one’s dreams has incited my awareness of my own personal context. The knowledge of Cunxin’s personal context has effectively positioned me to respect and inspire to display these inspirational attributes. From amongst millions of peasant children in China. He was granted a privilege that changed his future as a common labourer in Qingdao Northeast China. His determination, resilience, commitment and self discipline allowed him to conquer various obstacles in his path during his time at the Beijing Dance Academy strengthening his growth as a dancer. On his shoulders rested the weight to succeed for his family living in severe poverty prompted his determination and self discipline to conquer these obstacles. This knowledge has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. This idea is emphasised by the tortuous self discipline Cunxin subjected himself and his determination to do a master a complex ballet move. Watch wording here, a little awkward. This particular scene in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ effectively utilizes imagery and descriptive language to create a powerful and memorable moment ‘In Mao’s last Dancer’ as the climax of his determination towards accomplishing his dreams. Be more specific, what is memorable/powerful about it? This particular scene in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart. He practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. Despite being faced with such obstacles he ultimately achieved prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career. Equipped with the knowledge of his personal context it has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed that despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the impact ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has own me and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin. I quite like the more personal approach you are taking with the response, it's definitely addressing the question, but you STILL NEED ANALYSIS OF QUOTES! This is always the focus of an english response.
To address the criteria, I would give you the current feedback:
Engages with The Question: -> 2/3
I think that you are definitely hitting the personal context and research part of the question, but I'm not really getting your understanding of the text to an effective level, because you aren't interpreting the text analytically. You are just retelling the plot. You must be analysing quotes with techniques and such exactly as an essay.
Verbal/Non Verbal Expression: -> N/A
I'm assuming, based on this criteria, that this will be presented orally. In which case, I'd advise you to carefully consider your vocabulary (particularly in the topic sentences and Thesis paragraph), is it suited to your audience and purpose? In any case, there is definitely lots of room for expressive delivery.
Structure: -> 1.5/3
Structure is good, paragraphs are introduced and concluded effectively! Intro is great! However, it mentions things in the intro that aren't really explored in your paragraphs, and further, you aren't using evidence from the text.
Contextual Understanding: -> 3.5
Basically, this criteria is assessing your ability to connect the context of a text to how it is represented by the composer, and how you interpret it as the audience. The main reason I would deduct marks here is, again, a lack of textual evidence.
This assignment is quite strange, not like anything I've seen before. Please ask your teacher about two things: 1 - How personal should this opinion piece be? 2 - To what extent is textual analysis (quotes/techniques) required to achieve high range marks?
I've given feedback based on how I interpret the assignment. For me, you are giving way too much plot detail and not analysing your text; there is only one sentence where you include a technique. Then again, it is a very unusual task. You are definitely best confirming with your teacher on this one.
In any case, this would definitely not suit as an essay response in an exam scenario. Far too personal and not enough analysis.
Sorry I can't be of more help!! Your contextual links are fantastic, and this goes for both historical and your personal context, absolutely stellar amounts of information there. Great work!! I would just like to see a more analytical approach, which I think would be whats required. Check with your teacher and once you clarify I can give you some more tailored feedback ;D
Post by: angela99 on May 24, 2016, 06:22:08 pm
Hey ameliagrace! Wow, you've done an awesome job! :D Thanks for providing the criteria, that was super convenient. I'm going to slaughter this, but don't be intimidated by all the feeedback. There's not that much to change, I'm just trying to explain to you why I'm giving points of feedback, which is why there's so much.
And by the way, if anyone else wants their essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
All representations of an apparent truth are subject to manipulation by the perspective’s of those responsible for its production. Okay. Cool. I like this as an opening sentence because it’s interesting. Many people will just jump right into talking about BNW; however, this sentence does an awesome job of a) showing that you will hit the criteria, and b) not boring your assessor to death. So, I like the aim of the sentence, but I take slight objection to its execution... It’s just a bit “twisty-turny” on a grammatical level, so I feel like it’s not as clear and as punchy as it could be. For example, the way I interpret the meaning within this sentence is, “There are inaccuracies in all representations of truth because people only represent manipulated versions of the truth.” Now, I know the sentence I just gave is very ugly. However, it’s BLUNT. It’s blunt af. And because it’s blunt, after reading the sentence just once, you know what the writer is trying to say. However, I could do this with your sentence, because the information I required as a reader was not given to me in the correct order. Check the end of your sentence – “the perspective of those responsible for its production”. Here, you tell me WHOSE perspective you’re talking about LAST. Also, notice that you say “manipulation by the perspectives”… however, it’s not necessarily the perspectives doing the manipulating. It’s the people WITH the perspectives doing the manipulating. Also, “representations… subject to manipulation…” – why not just say “are manipulated”? So basically, there needs to be a bit more grammatical precision in this first sentence in order for me to go “WOW”. The meaning is brilliant, but I need the meaning to be both brilliant and immediately obvious. I might revise this sentence to something like, “Truth is often presented categorically; however, it seems that the truth can be represented in sometimes contradictory ways, depending on from whose perspective the truth was told”. – obviously, this sentence is also a little bit twisty-turny, but I think it’s much clearer to the reader, even though it might lack the ‘zazz’ that your sentence was going for. This notion, explored by de Beauvior, is clearly evident in the novel Brave New World (1932), written by Aldous Huxley, and political documentary Bowling for Columbine (2002), produced by Michael Moore, where personal political perspectives are used to explore unique and evocative interpretations pertaining to political situations of their time. Cool. The second half of this sentence (where you aren’t just introducing authors blablabla) is good. Obviously directly hits the criteria through using the same keywords (evocative and unique), which I don’t mind at all. I appreciate the clarity. This sentence is fine but could be improved by having punchier expression. “…is clearly evident in the novel BNW”, could be something like “BNW exemplifies this notion”. Notice how much punchier ‘BNW exemplifies this notion’ sounds. (Obviously, that would change the rest of your sentence, so let’s see how we could change things around). “Written by Aldous Huxley” could definitely be punchier as well. So… perhaps something like… “Both Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) and Michael Moore’s political documentary Bowling for Columbine (2002) exemplify this notion, utilizing their own political perspectives to create unique and evocative interpretations of their time’s political situation”. Now, I know this leaves out de Beauvoir. Maybe she comes in through a second sentence, or maybe my revise sentence can be further revised. Basically, what I’m trying to show you is how my revised sentence seems more ‘fluent’ because it removes the ‘clunk’ from yours, but still keeps that awesome meaning in the second half of the sentence. How have I done this? Firstly, I’ve favoured ‘es’ over ‘ed’. So, the difference between “explored” and “explores”. Keep this tip in mind, because it’s very easy to use the active version of the word instead. I’ve also obviously written possession into the name of the author, rather than saying ‘written by’ or ‘produced by’. I like this a lot better because it sounds punchier, but sometimes you’ll want to say “produced by” for a specific purpose, so that’s definitely an option as well. Also notice that I’ve used “exemplify…, utilizing”. This is a common pattern. Just use a verb, (exemplify), then follow it up with a comma and another verb with ‘ing’ on the end – “utilizing”. This has the same ‘punchy’ feel as just writing “-es” over “-ed”. IN SUMMARY: great sentence, but you can use some easy tips to clean up the expression and make it really impressive. In both texts, this notion can be explored on two levels - explicitly within the text’s plot and implicitly within the construction of the text itself. Cool! I love the distinction that you’ve made and the idea in general. Notice that the tip I just spoke about can be applied again here, and be “Both texts explore this notion in two ways: explicitly within the text’s plot, and implicitly within the construction of the text itself”. All I’ve done is tried to find a way to write “explore” instead of “explored”, and it forced me to make the sentence sound a bit nicer. Through the medium of production, textual form, perspective and use of language I would put a comma here for the sake of clarity the composers reveal their political motivations, which impact the representation of the subject and consequently influence the way in which the audience perceives meaning. This is an interesting sentence, because you’re writing about the criteria, and generally writing about the task – talking about representation and so on – but you don’t actually offer any information about what their political motivations might be, or how the representation of the subject is actually impacted… So, I think this sentence needs a little bit more detail (but not necessarily that many more words). – change it around a little bit to “give” the reader a bit more, which will show that you’re hitting the criteria more effectively than just writing a ‘generalist’ sentence as you have done. Within the plot, Moore and Huxley also address the manipulation of truth by powerful political bodies GOOD. BOOM. That’s the specificity I was talking about. Powerful political bodies. Excellent! One slight hiccup, notie that you’ve said “Within the plot”, which refers to one plot, but then you’ve mentioned two creators. You’d need to say “Within their respective plots, ….”. They emphasise This is awesome. Notice that “they emphasise” is much better than “they emphasized” that a particular representation does not always equate with the absolute truth good , and the impact that a false perception of truth has on the freedom of individuals and society within the text because you’re saying that they emphasise two things, it’s almost lost in the second half of the sentence what they’re emphasizing about freedom of individuals. However, I get the idea, and it’s a good one. I like it, it’s clear, and it hits the criteria. Both composers cleverly criticise representations of people and politics by establishing the extent to which truth can be manipulated, and the effect of this on individuals and society.
Cool! Good wrap up sentence, leaves your contention very clear.
I know I just wrote some massive slab of text for a few sentences there, so just to be clear, my main point of feedback is:
Your writing could be more clear, and the meaning of your words more apparent, if you made your expression “punchier” through making your grammar more active. Improving this expression would not only improve your writing, but improve the perception of the examiner. Suddenly, your ideas will look better, and your analysis will look stronger – even if they’re the same as always. It’s about representing your skill in a certain way ;). You want to represent yourself like you’re a genius, so you should writing confidently and with ‘punch’.
In terms of what you wanted to know – your ideas are clear, and they’re good! They’d come out even better with just a few grammar changes
Moore’s political documentary successfully employs a post modern form to persuade the audience of his idea of the truth, his personal belief in the need for a gun law reform in America Notice that you've said "his idea of the truth, his personal belief...". Grammatically, this doesn't check out. As in, sticking that comma there and then saying "his personal..." lacks a bit of sophistication. You write it because those two this are so closely related in your brain, so you just separate it with a comma, but the process of codifying your thought and turning it into language means you can't use a comma that way. What you need is something like "...his idea of the truth: that gun law reform in America is vital/necessary/blablabla". Otherwise, I love that you've brought postmodernism into your discussion of truth - good first sentence!. Exploring the possible causes for the Columbine High School Massacre, Moore focuses YES! This is exactly the type of grammar I want you to have. "Exploring... Moore focuses" -- notice how this is the mirrored version that I told you to use earlier - "Emphasises, utilising". Good! This is what I want you to keep doing! :)on the nature of violence and use of guns within America culture. His post modern approach to film making, as well as his prominence in pop-culture as a political narrator, establishes an authentic and reliable perspective. Furthermore, by using a form of digital media which is easily accessible to a modern audience, Moore is able to relate to and fabricate trust within the audience LOVING what you have to say so far. You could revise it so it was more concise, because it's almost a bit 'waffly', but otherwise, we're on a good path. After this little bit of 'waffle', I'm expecting you to launch into some deep analysis now that you've set up the paragraph. Also, notice that 'fabricate trust' doesn't make sense, even though I REALLY SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH IT. I know what you mean, and I like it... but how does one "fabricate" trust? You fabricate a story by lying. But you can't fabricate trust. You can only manipulate people into trusting you on grounds that might not necessarily warrant trust, but that's not the same as fabricating. I know what you mean though, and I like it. You'll just have to describe it better.. The extent to which this is evident back to the clunky expression. Make it punchier!is seen in a montage of various US involvement in various foreign politics, with Moore’s voice over narration providing statistics I would describe this as a "rhythmically stuttered presentation of historical facts", which is very specific, but the specificity helps to elucidate what Moore is doing. Also, your quote isn't as well integrated into the sentence as it could be. You just say "statistics" and follow it with the quote, however, you'd want to say "statistics, such as '...' " --- you want your questions to be completely embedded into the grammar of your sentence ‘1980s: U.S trains Osama bin Laden and fellow terrorists. CIA gives them $3 billion’ followed bySee, this is good. This embeds the quote into your sentence's grammar ‘Sept. 11, 2001: Osama bin Laden uses his expert CIA training to murder 3000 people.’ The song ‘Wonderful World’ is played over the top of the narration, and as the song reaches its climactic ending, footage of the second plane to hit the World Trade centre is introduced, with the non-diegetic sound fading out to hear the screams of witnesses as the screen dissolves to black. AWESOME The highly emotive sequence is used to evoke a personal response within the audience, who Moore is able to manipulate to align with his beliefs of the need to reconsider the American Government’s political stance on gun laws and violence. Cool. Cool. Mmk. Very cool. So. What you've done is, you've provided a very descriptive (and accurate) account of what happened in the movie - which is indeed very emotive! - and then you've said "the emotion within this sequence does x". What you're missing is a detailed description of HOW Moore creates the emotion. Because this would be truly hitting the criteria of exploring how the related text represents people and politics in an evocative way. I know it might be confusing to you, "what do you mean, explain how?! How can you explain it when it's about f**king 9/11?! OF COURSE IT'S EVOCATIVE".
But think about it. What a Wonderful World. Why is it so evocative to play that song over footage of 9/11? HOW does that work? It's not enough just to put it there, let the reader go 'woah' and then continue to say that Moore manipulates audience belief.
The reason that this so evocative is because of the contrast between the meaning of 'what a wonderful world' and the historical meaning of 9/11. 9/11 is obviously very far from wonderful, but what a wonderful world is supposed to be a celebration of the good things in life. Right? So why is he playing celebratory music over horrible footage? The juxtaposition of these two dichotomous feelings creates - or EVOKES - a haunting effect in the viewer.The non-diegetic sound fades out to overwhelm the viewer and allow them to be completetly swallowed by the screams that they can hear. Do you see how specific I'm being? I'm being very precise by honing in on the things that seem like they're even too small to explain. THAT's some beast-mode analysis.
Basically, what I'd want you to do to hit the first two criteria points even more effectively is to introduce the analysis earlier in your paragraph and then expand on the analysis you've already written. By expand - i mean write abotu the stuff that I just sort of wrote about - truly explain how he evokes emotion on such a fundamental level. Explain WHY putting 'wonderful world' over 9/11 is so powerful. Spend a bit of time on that, and then link it back to representation and truth -- how has he used such powerful emotion to shift around people's beliefs about the 'truth' of gun laws?
IN SUMMARY:
Love your analysis - it's clear, perceptive, and hits the criteria. But I would want analysis introduced SOONER so you can force the reader to spend more time reading your brilliant analysis. Know what I mean? When you've got something good, why only talk about it at the end of the paragraph? When you've got something good, you want ot SHOW IT OFF! Write about it sooner, expand on it, then wrap it up at the end. Great job! :)
Woo! Awesome. Great job. Your ideas are clear, however, they could be more clear through introducing punchier language, as you've done at times throughout the essay, but have also ignored at some key moments.
Your analysis is good, but it's interesting enough to leave me wanting more - I want to read more of your great analysis earlier in the paragraph, which would let your argument and idea shine through much more effectively.
So, a good effort ameliagrace, but you can definitely do better! Please let me know if you have any questions or need further assistance :)
If anyone else wants their essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
This feedback was perfect! Really helped with the essay that i am writing too for brave new world!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 25, 2016, 06:59:16 pm
I rewrote my opinion piece and was wondering if I could have help in cutting away excess and unnecessary
sentences and words. My teacher simply said to cut away irrelevant sentences but I'm not sure what to cut away :'(
I also wondering if I could have help in how to use more persuasive techniques to further fulfil the criteria:
Verbal and Non-verbal Expression (1-7)
Present a fluent response with capable control on choice of vocabulary and stylistic devices such as figures of speech and allusions; and intonation, pace and non-verbal language to enhance meaning.
I wondering if I could have help fulfilling the criteria further
- contextual understanding( 1-7)
Analyse how contextual factors can influence understanding of a text
My in class test is on Friday so I would to have advice asap please ;)
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 25, 2016, 09:09:42 pm
Hello again
I rewrote my opinion piece and was wondering if I could have help in cutting away excess and unnecessary
sentences and words. My teacher simply said to cut away irrelevant sentences but I'm not sure what to cut away :'(
I also wondering if I could have help in how to use more persuasive techniques to further fulfil the criteria:
Verbal and Non-verbal Expression (1-7)
Present a fluent response with capable control on choice of vocabulary and stylistic devices such as figures of speech and allusions; and intonation, pace and non-verbal language to enhance meaning.
I wondering if I could have help fulfilling the criteria further
- contextual understanding( 1-7)
Analyse how contextual factors can influence understanding of a text
My in class test is on Friday so I would to have advice asap please ;)
Hi there! I'll take the marking of this one :)
Original speech:
Spoiler
Research the context of a text and the author/creator of the text not studied in class (if written text, this text must be selected from the Year 11 ATAR reading list issued to you; if visual or audio text, the choice must be discussed with me prior).
In an opinion piece, discuss the extent to which your understanding of the text has been influenced by your research and by an awareness of your own personal context.
An autobiography is a life story. It is a personal and elegant piece of literature that delves into the life experiences and lessons learned retrospectively by the author. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons explored in autobiographies can only truly appreciated with context. It is undeniable that context accentuates and unravels true artistry, depth and meaning of all literary pieces; ultimately shaping responses differently.This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation towards ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of the context of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. My profound understanding of key events as well as striving to realise one’s dreams despite fortunate opportunities and love towards family relations have been shaped by the author’s context and historical context.
My profound understanding of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has been accentuated by the knowledge of the historical context. In ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ knowledge of the historical context has influenced how I interpreted Cunxin’s use of descriptive language crafting vivid imageries of particular events. In 1966 China was amidst the peak of chaos during the Cultural Revolution. Equipped with the knowledge of historical context it allowed me to answer ‘Why was this an important event? What is the significance? Knowledge of the historical context has illustrated a vivid imagery of how ‘the young Red Guards, burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork-anything’. The knowledge of Mao’s political movement allowed me to interpret the impact and visualise a vivid imagery of intense red flames, smoke and utter chaos as Red Guards moved like fire ants and ‘tore down temples and shrines’ etched into my mind. I could almost visualise standing amongst the chaos while watching sacred temples and shrines be defaced and mutilated while religious literature was literally burned to ashes. I could almost imagine the burning sensation of fire from close proximity and deafening noises as the Red Guards chanted revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao!’ endlessly. The true impact and significance of this event has been greatly emphasised by my understanding of the historical context of Communist China that ‘Mao wanted Communism to have no competition from other religions.’ This knowledge has enabled me to interpret the depth and meaning of Cunxin’s words ‘Communism was to be our only faith’ echoing Mao’s spine tingling intention to be revered as a heavenly and supreme being. Hence, knowledge of historical context influenced and ensured that I interpret ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ correctly and its impact to me.
Pg, 66-69
Li Cunxin’s display of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience in striving to realise one’s dreams has incited my awareness and emphasised my shame. The knowledge of Cunxin’s personal context has effectively positioned me to respect and inspire to display these inspirational attributes. This is because of the fact that Cunxin was born to a family living poverty and granted a rare and fortunate privilege from amongst millions of peasant children just like him in China. With the knowledge of his context I could finally comprehend the depth and motivation that Cunxin had to display inspirational determination and resilience. These attributes allowed him to conquer various obstacles in his path during his time at the Beijing Dance Academy strengthening his growth as a dancer. I could imagine the incapacitating weight that rested on his feeble shoulders to succeed for his family living in severe poverty. This knowledge has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. This idea emphasised my feeling of shame towards my I abuse the many fortunate opportunities I am blessed with juxtaposes with Cunxin’s struggle for such opportunities. In ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ he utilizes imagery and descriptive language to create a powerful and memorable moment ‘In Mao’s last Dancer’ as the climax of his determination towards accomplishing his dreams. This particular event in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart. He practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. Despite being faced with such obstacles he ultimately achieved prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career. Equipped with the knowledge of his personal context it has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed that despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the impact ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has own me and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin.
Pg, 241-242
Personal context has enabled to interpret ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’
In an opinion piece, discuss the extent to which your understanding of the text has been influenced by your research and by an awareness of your own personal context.
An autobiography is a life story. It is a personal and elegant piece of literature that delves into the life experiences and lessons learned retrospectively by the author. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons explored in autobiographies can only truly appreciated with context. It is undeniable that context accentuates and unravels true artistry, depth and meaning of all literary pieces; ultimately shaping responses differently.This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation towards ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of the context of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. My profound understanding of key events as well as striving to realise one’s dreams despite fortunate opportunities and love towards family relations have been shaped by the author’s context and historical context.
My profound understanding of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has been accentuated by the knowledge of the historical context. In ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ knowledge of the historical context has influenced how I interpreted Cunxin’s use of descriptive language crafting vivid imageries of particular events. In 1966 China was amidst the peak of chaos during the Cultural Revolution. Equipped with the knowledge of historical context it allowed me to answer ‘Why was this an important event? What is the significance? Knowledge of the historical context has illustrated a vivid imagery of how ‘the young Red Guards, burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork-anything’. The knowledge of Mao’s political movement allowed me to interpret the impact and visualise a vivid imagery of intense red flames, smoke and utter chaos as Red Guards moved like fire ants and ‘tore down temples and shrines’ etched into my mind. I could almost visualise standing amongst the chaos while watching sacred temples and shrines be defaced and mutilated while religious literature was literally burned to ashes. I could almost imagine the burning sensation of fire from close proximity and deafening noises as the Red Guards chanted revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao!’ endlessly. The true impact and significance of this event has been greatly emphasised by my understanding of the historical context of Communist China that ‘Mao wanted Communism to have no competition from other religions.’ This knowledge has enabled me to interpret the depth and meaning of Cunxin’s words ‘Communism was to be our only faith’ echoing Mao’s spine tingling intention to be revered as a heavenly and supreme being. Hence, knowledge of historical context influenced and ensured that I interpret ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ correctly and its impact to me.
Pg, 66-69
Li Cunxin’s display of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience in striving to realise one’s dreams has incited my awareness and emphasised my shame. The knowledge of Cunxin’s personal context has effectively positioned me to respect and inspire to display these inspirational attributes. This is because of the fact that Cunxin was born to a family living poverty and granted a rare and fortunate privilege from amongst millions of peasant children just like him in China. With the knowledge of his context I could finally comprehend the depth and motivation that Cunxin had to display inspirational determination and resilience. These attributes allowed him to conquer various obstacles in his path during his time at the Beijing Dance Academy strengthening his growth as a dancer. I could imagine the incapacitating weight that rested on his feeble shoulders to succeed for his family living in severe poverty. This knowledge has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. This idea emphasised my feeling of shame towards my I abuse the many fortunate opportunities I am blessed with juxtaposes with Cunxin’s struggle for such opportunities. In ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ he utilizes imagery and descriptive language to create a powerful and memorable moment ‘In Mao’s last Dancer’ as the climax of his determination towards accomplishing his dreams. This particular event in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart. He practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. Despite being faced with such obstacles he ultimately achieved prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career. Equipped with the knowledge of his personal context it has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed that despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the impact ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has own me and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin.
Pg, 241-242
Personal context has enabled to interpret ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’
Speech with my comments:
Spoiler
Research the context of a text and the author/creator of the text not studied in class (if written text, this text must be selected from the Year 11 ATAR reading list issued to you; if visual or audio text, the choice must be discussed with me prior).
In an opinion piece, discuss the extent to which your understanding of the text has been influenced by your research and by an awareness of your own personal context.
An autobiography is a life story. It is a personal and elegant piece of literature that delves into the life experiences and lessons learned retrospectively by the author. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons explored in autobiographies can only truly appreciated with context. In order to fulfill the requirement of the criteria that asks you to deliver the speech well, I think you should stand in front of the mirror and really pronounce each word clearly and slowly. You'll find a really great rhythm and a way to present yourself to the class in a speech really well! What made me think that this is an excellent place to pick up on it was, the comma after "however." Treat this almost as a fullstop and end however in a downward infliction of your voice so that you are showing variation but also creating interest :) It is undeniable that context accentuates and unravels true artistry, depth and meaning of all literary pieces; ultimately shaping responses differently. This is really great in terms of building an original thesis.This is evident in A testament to this notion is... (This is just an example to move you away from common terminology) how my understanding and interpretation towards ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically Great adverb shaped by the knowledge of the context of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. My profound understanding of key events as well as striving to realise one’s dreams despite fortunate opportunities and love towards family relations have been shaped by the author’s context and historical context. At this point I'd like to know a tiny bit about what this context is? Even by identifying the decade and country, might be enough to just give me that perfect lead into the next part.
My profound (not so sure about profound. This kind of implicates that your understanding was brilliant to begin with and was highlighted for its brilliance when you looked into context. You could definitely leave this without an adverb if needed :) understanding of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has been accentuated by the knowledge of the historical context. In ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ knowledge of the historical context has influenced how I interpreted Cunxin’s use of descriptive language crafting vivid imageries of particular events. In 1966 China was amidst the peak of chaos during the Cultural Revolution. (The start of this sentence basically restates what you said at the end of the last sentence. You could make them sound different with the way you present it, but I'd be more inclined to change it up :) Equipped with the knowledge of historical context it allowed me to answer ‘Why was this an important event? What is the significance? Knowledge of the historical context has illustrated a vivid imagery of how ‘the young Red Guards, burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork-anything’. The knowledge of Mao’s political movement allowed me to interpret the impact and visualise a vivid imagery of intense red flames, smoke and utter chaos as Red Guards moved like fire ants and ‘tore down temples and shrines’ etched into my mind. Vivid imagery has been used twice by this point. Consider finding something new to describe this :) Also, you've mentioned the importance of the context heavily but I'm just missing something that makes this strong. So I'm either inclined to cut this bit out, or add to it to make it stronger. If adding to it, I suggest you talk about what the context showed. "The text is so deeply embedded in the context of the blah blah blah, so the imagery of the blah blah blah is most appropriately appreciated within the contextual framing. I could almost visualise standing amongst the chaos while watching sacred temples and shrines be defaced and mutilated while religious literature was literally burned to ashes. The fact that this is a speech and not an essay allows you to talk so emotively. If you need to cut anything - I'd cut this. Simply because it doesn't relate to the nature of the analysis like the rest does. But if you can afford to keep it in, I'd be very keen to use this as a chance to show your prowess in the delivery of the speech. You can be a little dramatic here! I could almost imagine the burning sensation of fire from close proximity and deafening noises as the Red Guards chanted revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao!’ endlessly. The true impact and significance of this event has been greatly emphasised by my understanding of the historical context of Communist China that ‘Mao wanted Communism to have no competition from other religions.’ This knowledge has enabled me to interpret the depth and meaning of Cunxin’s words ‘Communism was to be our only faith’ echoing Mao’s spine tingling intention to be revered as a heavenly and supreme being. Hence, knowledge of historical context influenced and ensured that I interpret ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ correctly and its impact to me.
Pg, 66-69
Li Cunxin’s display of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience in striving to realise one’s dreams has incited my awareness and emphasised my shame. The knowledge of Cunxin’s personal context has effectively positioned me to respect and inspire to display these inspirational attributes. This is because of the fact that Cunxin was born to a family living poverty and granted a rare and fortunate privilege from amongst millions of peasant children just like him in China. With the knowledge of his context I could finally comprehend the depth and motivation that Cunxin had to display inspirational determination and resilience. These attributes allowed him to conquer various obstacles in his path during his time at the Beijing Dance Academy strengthening his growth as a dancer. I could imagine the incapacitating weight that rested on his feeble shoulders to succeed for his family living in severe poverty. This knowledge has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. This idea emphasised my feeling of shame towards my I abuse the many fortunate opportunities I am blessed with juxtaposes with Cunxin’s struggle for such opportunities. In ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ he utilizes imagery and descriptive language to create a powerful and memorable moment ‘In Mao’s last Dancer’ as the climax of his determination towards accomplishing his dreams. This particular event in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart. He practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. Despite being faced with such obstacles he ultimately achieved prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career. Equipped with the knowledge of his personal context it has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed that despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the impact ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has own me and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin.
Pg, 241-242
Personal context has enabled to interpret ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’
In an opinion piece, discuss the extent to which your understanding of the text has been influenced by your research and by an awareness of your own personal context.
An autobiography is a life story. It is a personal and elegant piece of literature that delves into the life experiences and lessons learned retrospectively by the author. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons explored in autobiographies can only truly appreciated with context. In order to fulfill the requirement of the criteria that asks you to deliver the speech well, I think you should stand in front of the mirror and really pronounce each word clearly and slowly. You'll find a really great rhythm and a way to present yourself to the class in a speech really well! What made me think that this is an excellent place to pick up on it was, the comma after "however." Treat this almost as a fullstop and end however in a downward infliction of your voice so that you are showing variation but also creating interest :) It is undeniable that context accentuates and unravels true artistry, depth and meaning of all literary pieces; ultimately shaping responses differently. This is really great in terms of building an original thesis.
My profound (not so sure about profound. This kind of implicates that your understanding was brilliant to begin with and was highlighted for its brilliance when you looked into context. You could definitely leave this without an adverb if needed :) understanding of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has been accentuated by the knowledge of the historical context. In ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ knowledge of the historical context has influenced how I interpreted Cunxin’s use of descriptive language crafting vivid imageries of particular events. In 1966 China was amidst the peak of chaos during the Cultural Revolution. (The start of this sentence basically restates what you said at the end of the last sentence. You could make them sound different with the way you present it, but I'd be more inclined to change it up :) Equipped with the knowledge of historical context it allowed me to answer ‘Why was this an important event? What is the significance? Knowledge of the historical context has illustrated a vivid imagery of how ‘the young Red Guards, burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork-anything’. The knowledge of Mao’s political movement allowed me to interpret the impact and visualise a vivid imagery of intense red flames, smoke and utter chaos as Red Guards moved like fire ants and ‘tore down temples and shrines’ etched into my mind. Vivid imagery has been used twice by this point. Consider finding something new to describe this :) Also, you've mentioned the importance of the context heavily but I'm just missing something that makes this strong. So I'm either inclined to cut this bit out, or add to it to make it stronger. If adding to it, I suggest you talk about what the context showed. "The text is so deeply embedded in the context of the blah blah blah, so the imagery of the blah blah blah is most appropriately appreciated within the contextual framing. I could almost visualise standing amongst the chaos while watching sacred temples and shrines be defaced and mutilated while religious literature was literally burned to ashes. The fact that this is a speech and not an essay allows you to talk so emotively. If you need to cut anything - I'd cut this. Simply because it doesn't relate to the nature of the analysis like the rest does. But if you can afford to keep it in, I'd be very keen to use this as a chance to show your prowess in the delivery of the speech. You can be a little dramatic here! I could almost imagine the burning sensation of fire from close proximity and deafening noises as the Red Guards chanted revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao!’ endlessly. The true impact and significance of this event has been greatly emphasised by my understanding of the historical context of Communist China that ‘Mao wanted Communism to have no competition from other religions.’ This knowledge has enabled me to interpret the depth and meaning of Cunxin’s words ‘Communism was to be our only faith’ echoing Mao’s spine tingling intention to be revered as a heavenly and supreme being. Hence, knowledge of historical context influenced and ensured that I interpret ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ correctly and its impact to me.
Pg, 66-69
Li Cunxin’s display of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience in striving to realise one’s dreams has incited my awareness and emphasised my shame. The knowledge of Cunxin’s personal context has effectively positioned me to respect and inspire to display these inspirational attributes. This is because of the fact that Cunxin was born to a family living poverty and granted a rare and fortunate privilege from amongst millions of peasant children just like him in China. With the knowledge of his context I could finally comprehend the depth and motivation that Cunxin had to display inspirational determination and resilience. These attributes allowed him to conquer various obstacles in his path during his time at the Beijing Dance Academy strengthening his growth as a dancer. I could imagine the incapacitating weight that rested on his feeble shoulders to succeed for his family living in severe poverty. This knowledge has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. This idea emphasised my feeling of shame towards my I abuse the many fortunate opportunities I am blessed with juxtaposes with Cunxin’s struggle for such opportunities. In ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ he utilizes imagery and descriptive language to create a powerful and memorable moment ‘In Mao’s last Dancer’ as the climax of his determination towards accomplishing his dreams. This particular event in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart. He practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. Despite being faced with such obstacles he ultimately achieved prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career. Equipped with the knowledge of his personal context it has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed that despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the impact ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ has own me and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin.
Pg, 241-242
Personal context has enabled to interpret ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’
To me, it is more distinct in your second section than your first, that you like to talk about the text without actually consistently bringing the text into it. What I mean by this is, the more quotes you use, the more specific and analytical your text is. Right now, we are talking about the imagery and events without actually analysing the third/first/second person, the metaphors, the similes. They are all touched on, but they need to go further.
If you wanted to, I suggest that you focus on a structure similar to this:
-Developed understanding of text
-Which part of the text? QUOTE.
-What technique is at play?
-How is that technique relating to my understanding? Link back to point one.
The contextual understanding is continually referenced but not actually explained. I need to know more about the time than what is assumed of it being in China. You can do this all in one shot or weave it throughout the speech, it is up to you. You're certainly mentioning the contextual understanding, just not exactly what that understanding is specifically.
When you talk, do so with diction, clarity, and be fluid in your voice. Let your voice rise and fall with the tones of a friendly, inviting conversation about a text.
I can definitely see you've worked hard to incorporate the elements required of you. It's now just up to fine tooth combing and then the delivery!
:)
Post by: angela99 on May 26, 2016, 11:52:17 pm
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribe text and the ONE other related text provided
I still have yet to include I met the walrus (related) but i want to know if my paragraph fits the criteria of a module C response. I tried to focus the most on including techniques and relating to the quote, but i dont know if it lacks the ideas of representation. This module has definitely been the hardest for me to grasp.
The world is a fabrication based on the influences of the political environment, shaped by man's desires and intentions. Huxley’s examination of the use of social conditioning as a way to achieve stability gives rise to this perspective of a controlled truth. The World State’s motto of “Community, Identity, Stability” stimulates a sense of irony as a social goal. ‘Community’ is a concept that has been contrived based on the World State’s definitions of social class. This concept only exists when individuals subscribe to the values of their respective social classes. As well as this, the notion of individuality and identity has essentially been abolished. Individuals are created without individuality; each one is programmed to behave exactly like the next. The obvious sense of irony instilled in the reader shows the extent to which truth is relative to one’s surroundings, subject to ‘man-made’ ideals. The representation of concepts like hypnopedia and psychological engineering highlight that social stability amongst each caste (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon) is created through manipulating them to accept a manufactured truth that is deemed to be the ‘absolute truth’. This alludes to the fact that their world is simply a construction of what they ought to believe. In chapter 2, Huxley uses the metaphor of water in the natural process of weathering to represent the nature of conditioning; “Not so much like drops of water, though water, it is true, can wear holes in the hardest granite”. Conditioning can wear away at the ‘shape of who a person is’ with persistence and time, allowing the them to “confuse a planted truth as the absolute truth”. The contrast of a manufactured ideology with this pure, natural process, placed side by side, makes Huxley’s perspective of an unconventional society easily recognisable, and the political manipulation of truth in a wider society is represented in a specific light.
Post by: birdwing341 on May 27, 2016, 11:26:28 am
I have a Mod B "Citizen Kane" essay that I will be writing in class soon. They have given me this practice question "In an extended response, explore how "Citizen Kane" is both innovative and insightful".
If you could mark this when you have time that would be great!
Thanks
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 27, 2016, 11:32:48 am
I was wondering if this edited version has applied your feedback properly and hopefully made it better
I also forgot to mention that this task is a not a speech but an in class essay
I am kind of confused how to incorporate analysis and techniques in general as you have suggested but I've attempted at expanding conceptual understanding. I am also kind of confused on how to apply this structure to my essay:
-Developed understanding of text
-Which part of the text? QUOTE.
-What technique is at play?
-How is that technique relating to my understanding? Link back to point one.
I was wondering if I could receive feedback on how well I've fulfilled the criteria
Thank you so for your much help. I apologise for asking so many questions :-[
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 27, 2016, 12:28:09 pm
I still have yet to include I met the walrus (related) but i want to know if my paragraph fits the criteria of a module C response. I tried to focus the most on including techniques and relating to the quote, but i dont know if it lacks the ideas of representation. This module has definitely been the hardest for me to grasp.
Hey Angela!! I know where you are coming from, I always struggled with Module C. Let me attach the first section of the syllabus:
This module requires students to explore various representations of events, personalities or situations. They evaluate how medium of production, textual form, perspective and choice of language influence meaning. The study develops students’ understanding of the relationships between representation and meaning.
So, I'm expecting your paragraph to explore how the meaning of the text (meaning, how the audience interprets the composers ideas) is influenced by things like medium, form, and technique. Thus, you show the relationship between the representational choices of the composer, and how we interpret meaning as an audience ;D
Paragraph attached!
Spoiler
Question: “Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse with the absolute truth” Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribe text and the ONE other related text provided.
The world is a fabrication based on the influences of the political environment, shaped by man's desires and intentions. Oh this is cool! I like this, I think it just a little bit vague though, what do you mean by the world being a "fabrication." Just a little bit more elaboration here perhaps. Huxley’s examination of the use of social conditioning as a way to achieve stability gives rise to this perspective of a controlled truth. Good. The World State’s motto of “Community, Identity, Stability” stimulates a sense of irony as a social goal. ‘Community’ is a concept that has been contrived based on the World State’s definitions of social class. This concept only exists when individuals subscribe to the values of their respective social classes. We are slipping a bit into retelling the text here, you must focus on techniques and how they shape meaning, perhaps more in this module than any other!! As well as this, the notion of individuality and identity has essentially been abolished. Individuals are created without individuality; each one is programmed to behave exactly like the next. As above, you are just taking the plot details of the text and linking them to your concept, you need to shift the focus to representational choices that have been made by Huxley. The obvious sense of irony instilled in the reader shows the extent to which truth is relative to one’s surroundings, subject to ‘man-made’ ideals. Good, but HOW did Huxley do this? The representation of concepts like hypnopedia and psychological engineering highlight that social stability amongst each caste (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon) is created through manipulating them to accept a manufactured truth that is deemed to be the ‘absolute truth’. What techniques/literary devices did Huxley employ to demonstrate this? This alludes to the fact that their world is simply a construction of what they ought to believe. In chapter 2, Huxley uses the metaphor of water in the natural process of weathering to represent the nature of conditioning; “Not so much like drops of water, though water, it is true, can wear holes in the hardest granite”. That's better, this is a representational choice by Huxley, what effect does this have on meaning for the audience? Conditioning can wear away at the ‘shape of who a person is’ with persistence and time, allowing the them to “confuse a planted truth as the absolute truth”. The contrast of a manufactured ideology with this pure, natural process, placed side by side, makes Huxley’s perspective of an unconventional society easily recognisable, and the political manipulation of truth in a wider society is represented in a specific light.
The world is a fabrication based on the influences of the political environment, shaped by man's desires and intentions. Oh this is cool! I like this, I think it just a little bit vague though, what do you mean by the world being a "fabrication." Just a little bit more elaboration here perhaps. Huxley’s examination of the use of social conditioning as a way to achieve stability gives rise to this perspective of a controlled truth. Good. The World State’s motto of “Community, Identity, Stability” stimulates a sense of irony as a social goal. ‘Community’ is a concept that has been contrived based on the World State’s definitions of social class. This concept only exists when individuals subscribe to the values of their respective social classes. We are slipping a bit into retelling the text here, you must focus on techniques and how they shape meaning, perhaps more in this module than any other!! As well as this, the notion of individuality and identity has essentially been abolished. Individuals are created without individuality; each one is programmed to behave exactly like the next. As above, you are just taking the plot details of the text and linking them to your concept, you need to shift the focus to representational choices that have been made by Huxley. The obvious sense of irony instilled in the reader shows the extent to which truth is relative to one’s surroundings, subject to ‘man-made’ ideals. Good, but HOW did Huxley do this? The representation of concepts like hypnopedia and psychological engineering highlight that social stability amongst each caste (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon) is created through manipulating them to accept a manufactured truth that is deemed to be the ‘absolute truth’. What techniques/literary devices did Huxley employ to demonstrate this? This alludes to the fact that their world is simply a construction of what they ought to believe. In chapter 2, Huxley uses the metaphor of water in the natural process of weathering to represent the nature of conditioning; “Not so much like drops of water, though water, it is true, can wear holes in the hardest granite”. That's better, this is a representational choice by Huxley, what effect does this have on meaning for the audience? Conditioning can wear away at the ‘shape of who a person is’ with persistence and time, allowing the them to “confuse a planted truth as the absolute truth”. The contrast of a manufactured ideology with this pure, natural process, placed side by side, makes Huxley’s perspective of an unconventional society easily recognisable, and the political manipulation of truth in a wider society is represented in a specific light.
I really like your concept in this paragraph, the idea of manufactured social stability and such, really really cool. However, I do think you are missing the mark on the Module's objectives just a tad. The fix is simple!! You need to shift away from retelling plot elements and describing the world space of the novel, and shift towards showing how techniques are used to, for example, create the world space in a specific way and thus communicate meaning to the audience. For example, instead of simply describing the motto in a 'text/plot focused' way, show how Huxley uses the motto as a motif to frequently re-accentuate the nature of "INSERT YOUR CONCEPT HERE." I've read the text, and that motto comes up pretty much once a chapter, that sense of repetition conveys the sense of a manufactured world space to me as a reader (or at least thats one representation). Those are the sorts of links you need to make, how does Huxley make choices that influence how I interpret meaning in his novel.
This goes as a recommendation for every essay, but it is especially mandatory for Module C, every sentence should contain a:
- Technique/Representational Choice Made by Huxley
- The Idea it Conveys
- How the Choice Influences MY/OUR Interpretation of the Idea (often these last two are blended together a tad)
This will let you develop the relationship between representational choices made by Huxley, and the meaning we garner as an audience ;D
I hope this helps!! As I said, I love your concept, it's purely the technique stuff that needs fixing! ;D
Post by: angela99 on May 27, 2016, 04:32:12 pm
Hey Angela!! I know where you are coming from, I always struggled with Module C. Let me attach the first section of the syllabus:
This module requires students to explore various representations of events, personalities or situations. They evaluate how medium of production, textual form, perspective and choice of language influence meaning. The study develops students’ understanding of the relationships between representation and meaning.
So, I'm expecting your paragraph to explore how the meaning of the text (meaning, how the audience interprets the composers ideas) is influenced by things like medium, form, and technique. Thus, you show the relationship between the representational choices of the composer, and how we interpret meaning as an audience ;D
Paragraph attached!SpoilerQuestion: “Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse with the absolute truth” Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribe text and the ONE other related text provided.
The world is a fabrication based on the influences of the political environment, shaped by man's desires and intentions. Oh this is cool! I like this, I think it just a little bit vague though, what do you mean by the world being a "fabrication." Just a little bit more elaboration here perhaps. Huxley’s examination of the use of social conditioning as a way to achieve stability gives rise to this perspective of a controlled truth. Good. The World State’s motto of “Community, Identity, Stability” stimulates a sense of irony as a social goal. ‘Community’ is a concept that has been contrived based on the World State’s definitions of social class. This concept only exists when individuals subscribe to the values of their respective social classes. We are slipping a bit into retelling the text here, you must focus on techniques and how they shape meaning, perhaps more in this module than any other!! As well as this, the notion of individuality and identity has essentially been abolished. Individuals are created without individuality; each one is programmed to behave exactly like the next. As above, you are just taking the plot details of the text and linking them to your concept, you need to shift the focus to representational choices that have been made by Huxley. The obvious sense of irony instilled in the reader shows the extent to which truth is relative to one’s surroundings, subject to ‘man-made’ ideals. Good, but HOW did Huxley do this? The representation of concepts like hypnopedia and psychological engineering highlight that social stability amongst each caste (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon) is created through manipulating them to accept a manufactured truth that is deemed to be the ‘absolute truth’. What techniques/literary devices did Huxley employ to demonstrate this? This alludes to the fact that their world is simply a construction of what they ought to believe. In chapter 2, Huxley uses the metaphor of water in the natural process of weathering to represent the nature of conditioning; “Not so much like drops of water, though water, it is true, can wear holes in the hardest granite”. That's better, this is a representational choice by Huxley, what effect does this have on meaning for the audience? Conditioning can wear away at the ‘shape of who a person is’ with persistence and time, allowing the them to “confuse a planted truth as the absolute truth”. The contrast of a manufactured ideology with this pure, natural process, placed side by side, makes Huxley’s perspective of an unconventional society easily recognisable, and the political manipulation of truth in a wider society is represented in a specific light.
I really like your concept in this paragraph, the idea of manufactured social stability and such, really really cool. However, I do think you are missing the mark on the Module's objectives just a tad. The fix is simple!! You need to shift away from retelling plot elements and describing the world space of the novel, and shift towards showing how techniques are used to, for example, create the world space in a specific way and thus communicate meaning to the audience. For example, instead of simply describing the motto in a 'text/plot focused' way, show how Huxley uses the motto as a motif to frequently re-accentuate the nature of "INSERT YOUR CONCEPT HERE." I've read the text, and that motto comes up pretty much once a chapter, that sense of repetition conveys the sense of a manufactured world space to me as a reader (or at least thats one representation). Those are the sorts of links you need to make, how does Huxley make choices that influence how I interpret meaning in his novel.
This goes as a recommendation for every essay, but it is especially mandatory for Module C, every sentence should contain a:
- Technique/Representational Choice Made by Huxley
- The Idea it Conveys
- How the Choice Influences MY/OUR Interpretation of the Idea (often these last two are blended together a tad)
This will let you develop the relationship between representational choices made by Huxley, and the meaning we garner as an audience ;D
I hope this helps!! As I said, I love your concept, it's purely the technique stuff that needs fixing! ;D
this is exactly what i needed!!! thank you! Really trying to aim for a high grade in this.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 27, 2016, 08:27:49 pm
this is exactly what i needed!!! thank you! Really trying to aim for a high grade in this.
With a little hard work you can definitely get there, no problem Angela!! ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 27, 2016, 09:21:23 pm
hello I'm back :)
I was wondering if this edited version has applied your feedback properly and hopefully made it better
I also forgot to mention that this task is a not a speech but an in class essay
I am kind of confused how to incorporate analysis and techniques in general as you have suggested but I've attempted at expanding conceptual understanding. I am also kind of confused on how to apply this structure to my essay:
-Developed understanding of text
-Which part of the text? QUOTE.
-What technique is at play?
-How is that technique relating to my understanding? Link back to point one.
I was wondering if I could receive feedback on how well I've fulfilled the criteria
Thank you so for your much help. I apologise for asking so many questions :-[
Hey again! I'm so sorry - I don't really know why I thought this was a speech? My goodness! You must have been reading my comments like, "What is she even talking about???" I'm so sorry! This is the criteria that threw me a bit I think:
Verbal and Non-verbal Expression (1-7)
Present a fluent response with capable control on choice of vocabulary and stylistic devices such as figures of speech and allusions; and intonation, pace and non-verbal language to enhance meaning.
I read "Intonation" and thought of the way a voice rises and falls when someone is speaking so I assumed it was a speech!
Sorry! I'll now read it through with the ESSAY in mind - oops! Thank you for your patience :)
Spoiler
Mao’s Last dancer, by Li Cunxin, is an inspirational autobiography that delves into the harsh life experiences and lessons he learned living in Mao’s Communist China. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons can only be truly appreciated with context. A testament to this notion is in how my own understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. To further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong, it required me to research Cunxin’s context and Mao’s Communist China. My own personal context further influenced my interpretation of this autobiography and its relation to me.
Understanding historical context has allowed me to better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China. This fact alone allowed me to understand the depth and extent context accentuates to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. It has enabled me to answer questions ‘Why were particular events emphasised? What is the significance of these events? I later discovered that when ‘young Red Guards, burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork-anything’ in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ it was amidst the peak of chaos during the Cultural Revolution in 1966. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong began the cultural revolution waging a power struggle against what he called the revisionists in power in his own party. This event reflected Mao’s fears in losing power and control and as an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government. Knowledge of Mao’s political movement allowed me to visualise young Red Guards as Mao’s personal army of minions who ‘tore down temples and shrines’ causing chaos. This allowed me to understand that the Cultural Revolution was not just an attempt at defacing and eradicating religion. It was an evident political movement for power. However, without this knowledge I would not have known that this terrifying event further accentuated by Cunxin’s spine tingling sentences ‘Mao wanted Communism to have no competition from other religions.’ ‘Communism was to be our only faith’ held a hidden agenda. I could almost imagine being there feeling the burning sensation of fire from close proximity and deafening noises as the Red Guards chanted revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao!’ endlessly as this political movement was carried out. Undeniably without this knowledge of historical context I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ correctly.
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand his display of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience in striving to realise his dreams. He was the sixth of seven peasant sons born into a loving family in Mao’s Communist China. He was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. In the years 1958 to 1961 over 35 million people died of starvation and disease through China and Cunxin experienced this first hand. However, Cunxin was not like every other peasant child. He was given a once in a lifetime opportunity that he literally tore his hamstrings to obtain. But his determination does not stop there. Despite strict regimes he practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. I could almost feel the incapacitating weight that rested on his feeble shoulders to succeed for the sake of his family living in severe poverty and himself on my own shoulders. Knowledge of his context has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. And that his prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career was the fruit of his determination and self discipline.This knowledge emphasised my feeling of shame towards how I abuse the many fortunate opportunities I am blessed with juxtaposes with Cunxin’s struggle for such opportunities. Cunxin’s struggle and determination for success in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart and has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed. In contrast to Cunxin despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the depth and impact of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin.
My own personal context resonated deeply with 'Mao's Last Dancer' allowing me further interpret and understand the autobiography and its relation to me. I was born to a Chinese family and so was Cunxin. This allowed me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honestly and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother was admirable and resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to our own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother would tell me about her experiences whilst living in China and how rations were handed out, how the oil used for cooking was a ghastly black colour and the shortage of food. Knowledge of how my grandmother lived during this period in and her first hand recounts accentuated and resonated my reading of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. This knowledge undeniably shaped how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' and accentuated my appreciation of my family.
Context is powerful. This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communst China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without context it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography.
Understanding historical context has allowed me to better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China. This fact alone allowed me to understand the depth and extent context accentuates to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. It has enabled me to answer questions ‘Why were particular events emphasised? What is the significance of these events? I later discovered that when ‘young Red Guards, burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork-anything’ in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ it was amidst the peak of chaos during the Cultural Revolution in 1966. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong began the cultural revolution waging a power struggle against what he called the revisionists in power in his own party. This event reflected Mao’s fears in losing power and control and as an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government. Knowledge of Mao’s political movement allowed me to visualise young Red Guards as Mao’s personal army of minions who ‘tore down temples and shrines’ causing chaos. This allowed me to understand that the Cultural Revolution was not just an attempt at defacing and eradicating religion. It was an evident political movement for power. However, without this knowledge I would not have known that this terrifying event further accentuated by Cunxin’s spine tingling sentences ‘Mao wanted Communism to have no competition from other religions.’ ‘Communism was to be our only faith’ held a hidden agenda. I could almost imagine being there feeling the burning sensation of fire from close proximity and deafening noises as the Red Guards chanted revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao!’ endlessly as this political movement was carried out. Undeniably without this knowledge of historical context I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ correctly.
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand his display of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience in striving to realise his dreams. He was the sixth of seven peasant sons born into a loving family in Mao’s Communist China. He was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. In the years 1958 to 1961 over 35 million people died of starvation and disease through China and Cunxin experienced this first hand. However, Cunxin was not like every other peasant child. He was given a once in a lifetime opportunity that he literally tore his hamstrings to obtain. But his determination does not stop there. Despite strict regimes he practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. I could almost feel the incapacitating weight that rested on his feeble shoulders to succeed for the sake of his family living in severe poverty and himself on my own shoulders. Knowledge of his context has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. And that his prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career was the fruit of his determination and self discipline.This knowledge emphasised my feeling of shame towards how I abuse the many fortunate opportunities I am blessed with juxtaposes with Cunxin’s struggle for such opportunities. Cunxin’s struggle and determination for success in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart and has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed. In contrast to Cunxin despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the depth and impact of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin.
My own personal context resonated deeply with 'Mao's Last Dancer' allowing me further interpret and understand the autobiography and its relation to me. I was born to a Chinese family and so was Cunxin. This allowed me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honestly and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother was admirable and resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to our own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother would tell me about her experiences whilst living in China and how rations were handed out, how the oil used for cooking was a ghastly black colour and the shortage of food. Knowledge of how my grandmother lived during this period in and her first hand recounts accentuated and resonated my reading of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. This knowledge undeniably shaped how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' and accentuated my appreciation of my family.
Context is powerful. This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communst China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without context it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography.
Your essay with my comments:
Spoiler
Mao’s Last dancer, by Li Cunxin, is an inspirational autobiography that delves into the harsh life experiences and lessons he learned living in Mao’s Communist China. I love that the Communist China is brought up already - the context is so important here.However, the true value of these experiences and lessons can only be truly appreciated by a contemporary reader with context. A testament to this notion is in how my own understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. To further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong, it required me to research Cunxin’s context and Mao’s Communist China. My own personal context further influenced my interpretation of this autobiography and its relation to me. This is looking really good to me!
Understanding historical context has allowed me to better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China. This is wonderful contextual integration! This is seriously such a big step upwards in dealing with the question adequately. Great job! This fact alone allowed me to understand the depth and extent context accentuates to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. The italicised bit the last sentence to me seems to be a bit colloquial. It sounds like something I'd say in a debate with a friend rather than to an essay paper. Try not to discuss the context as a singular fact, but instead a collective knowledge or lens or appreciation, for example. It has enabled me to answer questions ‘Why were particular events emphasised? What is the significance of these events? I later discovered that when ‘young Red Guards, burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork-anything’ in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ it was amidst the peak of chaos during the Cultural Revolution in 1966. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong began the cultural revolution waging a power struggle against what he called the revisionists in power in his own party. This event reflected Mao’s fears in losing power and control and as an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government. Knowledge of Mao’s political movement allowed me to visualise young Red Guards as Mao’s personal army of minions who ‘tore down temples and shrines’ causing chaos. This allowed me to understand that the Cultural Revolution was not just an attempt at defacing and eradicating religion. It was an evident political movement for power. However, without this knowledge I would not have known that this terrifying event further accentuated by Cunxin’s spine tingling sentences ‘Mao wanted Communism to have no competition from other religions.’ ‘Communism was to be our only faith’ held a hidden agenda. I could almost imagine being there feeling the burning sensation of fire from close proximity and deafening noises as the Red Guards chanted revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao!’ endlessly as this political movement was carried out. Undeniably without this knowledge of historical context I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ correctly.
At this point I want to point out that your contextual analysis has improved enormously!!!! Seriously, you are dealing with the question far more directly and thoroughly - and doing it in a really unique way! I want to draw your attention to the part of your criteria that requires you to take a evidence-based argument. The quotes from the text are scarce and are hardly being analysed. An example of what I would like to see is:
The importance of the allusion, "quote from the text," is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. So here we are naming the technique, the quote, the context and the effect. They don't all have to be in this order or in one sentence, but this is the kind of approach that will get you the really high marks across your modules! This is also quite a long paragraph. Consider cutting it in half if you can afford to do so. This simply means it is more digestable for a marker to approach and they can appreciate all of your ideas individually rather than as a dense statement.
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand his display of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience in striving to realise his dreams. He was the sixth of seven peasant sons born into a loving family in Mao’s Communist China. He was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. In the years 1958 to 1961 over 35 million people died of starvation and disease through China and Cunxin experienced this first hand. However, Cunxin was not like every other peasant child. He was given a once in a lifetime opportunity that he literally tore his hamstrings to obtain. But his determination does not stop there. Despite strict regimes he practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. At this point, we've combined context with story retell, without a whole lot of textual analysis - which is what the criteria is requiring of you. See my above comment for more on this :)Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. I could almost feel the incapacitating weight that rested on his feeble shoulders to succeed for the sake of his family living in severe poverty and himself on my own shoulders. Knowledge of his context has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. And that his prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career was the fruit of his determination and self discipline.This knowledge emphasised my feeling of shame towards how I abuse the many fortunate opportunities I am blessed with juxtaposes with Cunxin’s struggle for such opportunities. Cunxin’s struggle and determination for success in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart and has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed. In contrast to Cunxin despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the depth and impact of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin.
My own personal context resonated deeply with 'Mao's Last Dancer' allowing me further interpret and understand the autobiography and its relation to me. I was born to a Chinese family and so was Cunxin. This allowed me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honestly and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother was admirable and resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to our own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother would tell me about her experiences whilst living in China and how rations were handed out, how the oil used for cooking was a ghastly black colour and the shortage of food. Knowledge of how my grandmother lived during this period in and her first hand recounts accentuated and resonated my reading of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. This knowledge undeniably shaped how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' and accentuated my appreciation of my family.
Context is powerful. "Context is powerful." This is true. But I want to know more. You've told me context is powerful and you've shown me. So draw on more here. "Context is imperative to understanding..." for example. This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communst China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without context it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography.
Understanding historical context has allowed me to better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China. This is wonderful contextual integration! This is seriously such a big step upwards in dealing with the question adequately. Great job! This fact alone allowed me to understand the depth and extent context accentuates to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. The italicised bit the last sentence to me seems to be a bit colloquial. It sounds like something I'd say in a debate with a friend rather than to an essay paper. Try not to discuss the context as a singular fact, but instead a collective knowledge or lens or appreciation, for example. It has enabled me to answer questions ‘Why were particular events emphasised? What is the significance of these events? I later discovered that when ‘young Red Guards, burnt and destroyed anything that had a Western flavour: books, paintings, artwork-anything’ in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ it was amidst the peak of chaos during the Cultural Revolution in 1966. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong began the cultural revolution waging a power struggle against what he called the revisionists in power in his own party. This event reflected Mao’s fears in losing power and control and as an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government. Knowledge of Mao’s political movement allowed me to visualise young Red Guards as Mao’s personal army of minions who ‘tore down temples and shrines’ causing chaos. This allowed me to understand that the Cultural Revolution was not just an attempt at defacing and eradicating religion. It was an evident political movement for power. However, without this knowledge I would not have known that this terrifying event further accentuated by Cunxin’s spine tingling sentences ‘Mao wanted Communism to have no competition from other religions.’ ‘Communism was to be our only faith’ held a hidden agenda. I could almost imagine being there feeling the burning sensation of fire from close proximity and deafening noises as the Red Guards chanted revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao!’ endlessly as this political movement was carried out. Undeniably without this knowledge of historical context I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ correctly.
At this point I want to point out that your contextual analysis has improved enormously!!!! Seriously, you are dealing with the question far more directly and thoroughly - and doing it in a really unique way! I want to draw your attention to the part of your criteria that requires you to take a evidence-based argument. The quotes from the text are scarce and are hardly being analysed. An example of what I would like to see is:
The importance of the allusion, "quote from the text," is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. So here we are naming the technique, the quote, the context and the effect. They don't all have to be in this order or in one sentence, but this is the kind of approach that will get you the really high marks across your modules! This is also quite a long paragraph. Consider cutting it in half if you can afford to do so. This simply means it is more digestable for a marker to approach and they can appreciate all of your ideas individually rather than as a dense statement.
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand his display of powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience in striving to realise his dreams. He was the sixth of seven peasant sons born into a loving family in Mao’s Communist China. He was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. In the years 1958 to 1961 over 35 million people died of starvation and disease through China and Cunxin experienced this first hand. However, Cunxin was not like every other peasant child. He was given a once in a lifetime opportunity that he literally tore his hamstrings to obtain. But his determination does not stop there. Despite strict regimes he practised relentlessly in a rundown studio riddled with dents and splinters. However, he did not falter. He did not give up. At this point, we've combined context with story retell, without a whole lot of textual analysis - which is what the criteria is requiring of you. See my above comment for more on this :)Unlike me when I am faced with obstacles and difficulties he was determined in succeeding. I could almost feel the incapacitating weight that rested on his feeble shoulders to succeed for the sake of his family living in severe poverty and himself on my own shoulders. Knowledge of his context has greatly influenced me to see that Cunxin’s success as a ballet dancer was born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline in striving to realise his dreams. And that his prominence on the international ballet stage in his dancing career was the fruit of his determination and self discipline.This knowledge emphasised my feeling of shame towards how I abuse the many fortunate opportunities I am blessed with juxtaposes with Cunxin’s struggle for such opportunities. Cunxin’s struggle and determination for success in ‘Mao’s last dancer’ tugged at my heart and has enabled and shaped me to feel ashamed. In contrast to Cunxin despite the fortunate opportunities I am given I do not display these inspirational attributes of determination and self discipline. This knowledge has greatly accentuated the depth and impact of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and has prompted me to inspire to be like Li Cunxin.
My own personal context resonated deeply with 'Mao's Last Dancer' allowing me further interpret and understand the autobiography and its relation to me. I was born to a Chinese family and so was Cunxin. This allowed me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honestly and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother was admirable and resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to our own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother would tell me about her experiences whilst living in China and how rations were handed out, how the oil used for cooking was a ghastly black colour and the shortage of food. Knowledge of how my grandmother lived during this period in and her first hand recounts accentuated and resonated my reading of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. This knowledge undeniably shaped how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' and accentuated my appreciation of my family.
Context is powerful. "Context is powerful." This is true. But I want to know more. You've told me context is powerful and you've shown me. So draw on more here. "Context is imperative to understanding..." for example. This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communst China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without context it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography.
I'm wondering - how personal is your teacher expecting this to be? Right now, it seems very personal, the most personal I have ever seen a senior school English task to be. I see it is an 'opinion piece' but I haven't seen a task that warrants such a personal response in an exam style situation. This could totally be something your teacher wants - so definitely check with her or him to be sure. It is unusual stylistically, but perhaps the idea behind it is that your teacher wants you to explore ideas of context before working on structure. If you wanted to avoid the first person, you could talk about the topic still by saying things like: "a contemporary reader's understanding of context is imperative to appreciating the text..." So you speak of yourself as a contemporary reader, for example. Definitely, speak to your teacher about this.
Engages with the question: Unfortunately, this is contingent based on the fact that part of the criteria asks you use appropriate style, and without knowing what your teacher wants, this could either be great or not so great. If you are required to use persistent and heavy first person, you get 3/3 :)
Expression: You've definitely harnessed allusions from your own world to connect to the text so I would give this criteria a 6/7. I've never seen a criteria like this so it's hard to tell exactly what it wants from you, but I think you have approached it well!
Structure: This is your weak point. I'd give this a 1/3 perhaps - we just need to build up your textual analysis a bit more and yuo'll be getting the fuller marks.
Contextual understanding: If I didn't know you wrote this essay and the last one submitted - I would assume that they were written by different people. The contextual understanding has skyrocketed here - but I think it could be strengthened through stronger textual analysis to link the context to the text. 5/7.
Please let me know if anything doesn't make sense.
Basically, you should take away two things:
1. Ask your teacher about the first person.
2. Work up the textual analysis.
You're doing so well. You should be so proud of your persistence! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 27, 2016, 09:49:16 pm
Hello!
I have a Mod B "Citizen Kane" essay that I will be writing in class soon. They have given me this practice question "In an extended response, explore how "Citizen Kane" is both innovative and insightful".
If you could mark this when you have time that would be great!
Thanks
Hey there!! Would love to help, essay is attached with comments throughout!!
Spoiler
Through a critical study of meaningful films, audiences are able to gain insight into prevalent issues of modern society because of composers’ use of cinematic devices and construction to synthesise meaning. Orson Welles’ 1941 film “Citizen Kane” explores the corruptive nature of power on the values of titular character Kane and his relationship with Susan Alexander, and the complexity of human identity, viewed from the eyes of Kane himself and of the outside world. Beautiful!! An excellent Thesis statement and amplification here, well done, good start. Welles’ ground-breaking use of innovative cinematic techniques force the audience to become active viewers and interpret the meaning of key themes of the films. Wording a little iffy in that last bit, 'interpret' doesn't really work there I don't think. Thus the film’s openness to interpretation has allowed responders to resonate with its content and gain a greater understanding of the film’s meaning and textual integrity. "Openness" sounds awkward. Besides that, a great Thesis! I'd also like to see you list your paragraph topics somewhere in some way, just to prime the reader.
Welles observes the innate desire of humanity to receive recognition, and its ramifications in causing individuals to sacrifice their moral compass and relationships, through the example of Kane. Cool! In the early stages of his life, Kane is portrayed as an idealist, as he describes himself as a “champion of the people’s rights” in his “Declaration of Principles”. Do we have a technique here? Yet the chiaroscuro lighting places Kane in the shadow and Leland as his moral foil, in the light, to foreshadow Kane’s later moral corruption. Be careful we aren't using techniques to simply accentuate a plot retell; how is this a comment by Welles on humanities ambition? His initial morality is juxtaposed against his later corruption when Leland returns the “Principles” after Kane fires him. Kane’s casual tone and simplistic costuming as he calls it an “antique” and rips it to pieces suggest a nonchalance towards moral virtue and serve to show the moral indifference arisen from the acquisition of power. This is better! Good conceptual explanation there. The ramifications of the attainment of power on Kane’s moral fortitude are furthered in the campaign rally scene, where the mis-en-scene and low-angle camera shot frame Kane in a position of power against a campaign poster to demonstrate his skewed moral beliefs. By simultaneously drawing comparisons with Nazi rallies and their amoral practices, Welles suggests Kane’s moral compromise and warns responders against the corruptive nature of power. A solid paragraph, but you are bordering on textual retell. Be sure that you are focusing on how Welles employs techniques to allow us to gain an insight into your concept, don't rely on the plot to do it for you. Techniques are key! Further, your conclusion doesn't match your introduction here, might be worth a look into exactly what you want your concept to be.
Welles further demonstrates the transformation of an individual’s character born from the attainment of power in the collapse of Kane’s relationship with Susan Alexander. When your concept is based on a plot element, you automatically become very plot focused. Try to distance the concept from the text as much as possible. It should be, "Here is a concept, and Welles uses techniques to show it. The concept is focus, not the text. At the beginning of the film, the intimacy of their relationship is revealed in repeated close-up shot-reverse-shots as both characters seek to avoid the “loneliness” which forms the basis of their friendship. Yet after their marriage, Kane’s desire for power over her causes him to force her to sing operas, despite her negative reception and vocal desire to stop. After her debut, she is framed in a high-angle shot as Kane’s shadow falls over her, reflecting his disregard for her opinions and suggesting power causes disintegration of relationships. While you are linking to concept and using technique, you are still relying on the plot to do your work. Welles further suggests the entrapment of Susan by Kane in her depiction against a backdrop of statues whilst solving jigsaw puzzles. The unity of physical and figurative structures in the statues, which represent his wealth, status and domineering presence, and jigsaw puzzles which symbolise places visible but unreachable, allow the audiences to respond to the text on multiple levels. Beautiful! See how this sentence doesn't rely on the story itself, only on representational choices. I'd still like something more specific with regard to the audience impact though. As metonymic of humanity, by examining Kane, Welles invites audience’s to observe the threat of the corruptive nature of power on an individual’s wellbeing.
“Citizen Kane” examines the notion of identity through an examination of an individual’s view of their own sense-of-self, and the difficulty in gaining an accurate understanding of an individual because of differing views on individual’s actions. This is better, it stands alone and doesn't rely on something in the text! The earliest recollection of Kane’s life, told through Thatcher’s memoirs, is in the signing away scene, where he is given over to Thatcher’s control. Kane is framed in the background through a window, yet the use of deep-focus cinematography allows the audience to observe his actions and recognise his helplessness. Kane’s familial relationships and childhood innocence, removed by Thatcher, are the chief reasons for his obsession with the snow-globe. The figurative effect of its glass represents the symbolic purity of Kane’s childhood, but also demonstrates his inability to access this part of himself, contributing to his fragmented identity. This sentence is the first one to really show what the text is "demonstrating to us." The stuff before was retell. Be careful! The mis-en-abyme in the last shot of Kane in the film further reveals his conflicted character. As he walks past the mirrors, which reflect upon each other, the many “Kanes” reveal the difficulty in distinguishing the truth about oneself, which has contributed to his fragmented sense-of-self. Welles’ reflection of the complexity of identity, and the synthesis of stylistic and thematic concerns allow responders to reflect on Kane’s character as a broader symbol of their own. I really like your conclusions, very succinct yet very effective!
Welles also explores the difficulty for others to truly understand an individual due to conflicting perspectives on their identity. Welles utilises the journalist Thompson as a cipher for the audience as he investigates the meaning of “Rosebud”, yet after his entire search he yields “I didn’t find out much”. His shadowed figure combined with a zoom-out demonstrates the hiddenness of objective truth to responders. Better! The interviews of Thompson are revealed in non-linear flashbacks, which create a fragmented narrative structure and offer conflicting recollections of who Kane was, denying the audience of an objective truth of Kane’s identity. Okay, this paragraph is immediately more effective, you are doing much more analytically! The disparity between perspectives on Kane’s identity is further revealed in the “News on the March” newsreel, where Kane is labelled both a Communist and Fascist in short succession. The incongruent and conflicting characterisation of Kane again serves to demonstrate the difficulty in searching for objective truth. Through an examination of the dichotomy between Kane’s view and others’ conflicting perspectives on his identity, responders are challenged to be more understanding of those around them.
Perhaps one of the most important factors of “Citizen Kane” in allowing responders to be engaged and enlightened by the film is its openness to interpretation. Cinematographer Greg Toland’s extensive use of long takes allow the audience to become “active viewers” and allows for greater complexity of characterisation. Use of "long?" Welles not only uses cinematic techniques, but symbolic devices to allow for the synthesis of construct and meaning to create unity. “Rosebud” serves as the chief driver of the film’s action, yet offers no concrete ‘revelation’ at the end of the film. Thus modern audiences are able to bring their personal context into their understanding of the importance of Rosebud, and reconcile it to the broader meaning of the film. This means that each reading of the film is distinct and has personal meaning for every responder, which can be taken from the cinema and applied to their lives.
Thus by examining “Citizen Kane”, insights into the corruptive nature of power and its consequences for individuals’ moral compasses and relationships, and the complexity of an individual’s identity and the difficulty in understanding humanity are attained. Welles’ use of innovative cinematic techniques allows responders to subjectively interpret textual meaning and reconcile stylistic and thematic concerns of the film and ultimately gain an appreciation of the film’s textual integrity. Solid punchy conclusion, good work!
Welles observes the innate desire of humanity to receive recognition, and its ramifications in causing individuals to sacrifice their moral compass and relationships, through the example of Kane. Cool! In the early stages of his life, Kane is portrayed as an idealist, as he describes himself as a “champion of the people’s rights” in his “Declaration of Principles”. Do we have a technique here? Yet the chiaroscuro lighting places Kane in the shadow and Leland as his moral foil, in the light, to foreshadow Kane’s later moral corruption. Be careful we aren't using techniques to simply accentuate a plot retell; how is this a comment by Welles on humanities ambition? His initial morality is juxtaposed against his later corruption when Leland returns the “Principles” after Kane fires him. Kane’s casual tone and simplistic costuming as he calls it an “antique” and rips it to pieces suggest a nonchalance towards moral virtue and serve to show the moral indifference arisen from the acquisition of power. This is better! Good conceptual explanation there. The ramifications of the attainment of power on Kane’s moral fortitude are furthered in the campaign rally scene, where the mis-en-scene and low-angle camera shot frame Kane in a position of power against a campaign poster to demonstrate his skewed moral beliefs. By simultaneously drawing comparisons with Nazi rallies and their amoral practices, Welles suggests Kane’s moral compromise and warns responders against the corruptive nature of power. A solid paragraph, but you are bordering on textual retell. Be sure that you are focusing on how Welles employs techniques to allow us to gain an insight into your concept, don't rely on the plot to do it for you. Techniques are key! Further, your conclusion doesn't match your introduction here, might be worth a look into exactly what you want your concept to be.
Welles further demonstrates the transformation of an individual’s character born from the attainment of power in the collapse of Kane’s relationship with Susan Alexander. When your concept is based on a plot element, you automatically become very plot focused. Try to distance the concept from the text as much as possible. It should be, "Here is a concept, and Welles uses techniques to show it. The concept is focus, not the text. At the beginning of the film, the intimacy of their relationship is revealed in repeated close-up shot-reverse-shots as both characters seek to avoid the “loneliness” which forms the basis of their friendship. Yet after their marriage, Kane’s desire for power over her causes him to force her to sing operas, despite her negative reception and vocal desire to stop. After her debut, she is framed in a high-angle shot as Kane’s shadow falls over her, reflecting his disregard for her opinions and suggesting power causes disintegration of relationships. While you are linking to concept and using technique, you are still relying on the plot to do your work. Welles further suggests the entrapment of Susan by Kane in her depiction against a backdrop of statues whilst solving jigsaw puzzles. The unity of physical and figurative structures in the statues, which represent his wealth, status and domineering presence, and jigsaw puzzles which symbolise places visible but unreachable, allow the audiences to respond to the text on multiple levels. Beautiful! See how this sentence doesn't rely on the story itself, only on representational choices. I'd still like something more specific with regard to the audience impact though. As metonymic of humanity, by examining Kane, Welles invites audience’s to observe the threat of the corruptive nature of power on an individual’s wellbeing.
“Citizen Kane” examines the notion of identity through an examination of an individual’s view of their own sense-of-self, and the difficulty in gaining an accurate understanding of an individual because of differing views on individual’s actions. This is better, it stands alone and doesn't rely on something in the text! The earliest recollection of Kane’s life, told through Thatcher’s memoirs, is in the signing away scene, where he is given over to Thatcher’s control. Kane is framed in the background through a window, yet the use of deep-focus cinematography allows the audience to observe his actions and recognise his helplessness. Kane’s familial relationships and childhood innocence, removed by Thatcher, are the chief reasons for his obsession with the snow-globe. The figurative effect of its glass represents the symbolic purity of Kane’s childhood, but also demonstrates his inability to access this part of himself, contributing to his fragmented identity. This sentence is the first one to really show what the text is "demonstrating to us." The stuff before was retell. Be careful! The mis-en-abyme in the last shot of Kane in the film further reveals his conflicted character. As he walks past the mirrors, which reflect upon each other, the many “Kanes” reveal the difficulty in distinguishing the truth about oneself, which has contributed to his fragmented sense-of-self. Welles’ reflection of the complexity of identity, and the synthesis of stylistic and thematic concerns allow responders to reflect on Kane’s character as a broader symbol of their own. I really like your conclusions, very succinct yet very effective!
Welles also explores the difficulty for others to truly understand an individual due to conflicting perspectives on their identity. Welles utilises the journalist Thompson as a cipher for the audience as he investigates the meaning of “Rosebud”, yet after his entire search he yields “I didn’t find out much”. His shadowed figure combined with a zoom-out demonstrates the hiddenness of objective truth to responders. Better! The interviews of Thompson are revealed in non-linear flashbacks, which create a fragmented narrative structure and offer conflicting recollections of who Kane was, denying the audience of an objective truth of Kane’s identity. Okay, this paragraph is immediately more effective, you are doing much more analytically! The disparity between perspectives on Kane’s identity is further revealed in the “News on the March” newsreel, where Kane is labelled both a Communist and Fascist in short succession. The incongruent and conflicting characterisation of Kane again serves to demonstrate the difficulty in searching for objective truth. Through an examination of the dichotomy between Kane’s view and others’ conflicting perspectives on his identity, responders are challenged to be more understanding of those around them.
Perhaps one of the most important factors of “Citizen Kane” in allowing responders to be engaged and enlightened by the film is its openness to interpretation. Cinematographer Greg Toland’s extensive use of long takes allow the audience to become “active viewers” and allows for greater complexity of characterisation. Use of "long?" Welles not only uses cinematic techniques, but symbolic devices to allow for the synthesis of construct and meaning to create unity. “Rosebud” serves as the chief driver of the film’s action, yet offers no concrete ‘revelation’ at the end of the film. Thus modern audiences are able to bring their personal context into their understanding of the importance of Rosebud, and reconcile it to the broader meaning of the film. This means that each reading of the film is distinct and has personal meaning for every responder, which can be taken from the cinema and applied to their lives.
Thus by examining “Citizen Kane”, insights into the corruptive nature of power and its consequences for individuals’ moral compasses and relationships, and the complexity of an individual’s identity and the difficulty in understanding humanity are attained. Welles’ use of innovative cinematic techniques allows responders to subjectively interpret textual meaning and reconcile stylistic and thematic concerns of the film and ultimately gain an appreciation of the film’s textual integrity. Solid punchy conclusion, good work!
I'll start by saying that I really love your Thesis paragraph, and indeed your conceptual drive in general. Very clever approach, and very cleverly incorporates the question into your own conceptual focus, excellent work there. Further, your techniques are fantastic, nicely varied with lots of textual references, and you have a nice structure on the whole!
There are a few small things you can read above, but I like to give one big thing to work on per essay, and for you, this will be avoiding textual retell.
There are significant sections of your response where you, albeit in a very sophisticated way, essentially retell parts of the film to the audience. You then try and use this to show links to your concept, occasionally with a technique. Occasionally this works decently, the rest of the time it falls short of the mark. You need to shift your focus a little bit.
What you need to be addressing is how Welles has used technique to convey meaning in regard to the concept (EG - corruptive nature of power). This is not the same as showing how the theme is evident in the text, which is where you are currently at. Compare these two sentences. The first is a sentence I quite liked in your response (I picked this because it shows how subtle the difference can be):
Kane’s casual tone and simplistic costuming as he calls it an “antique” and rips it to pieces suggest a nonchalance towards moral virtue and serve to show the moral indifference arisen from the acquisition of power.
This is great! Technique, quote, and a conceptual explanation as well as an audience link. Excellent! However, it comes from a very plot focused place, and so instead of showing how Welles has SHOWN us something in the text, you end up showing how the theme is EVIDENT in the text. Compare with another way of writing that sentence (I can't link to the quote because it relies on an earlier sentence, but you get the idea):
Welles' use of casual tone and simplistic costuming suggest a nonchalance towards moral virtue by the character of Kane, thus symbolising the moral indifference which arises due to the acquisition of power.
This difference is slight, but abstracting the response to show Welles' choices raises the sophistication. It will keep you from retelling the plot too, doing it while focusing on Welles instead of the character of Kane is impossible. Essentially, for this sentence it doesn't do TOO much, but for some of your other sentences the difference would be immense!
So this would be my main suggestion, focus on analysis and try and avoid textual retell! You have a great response here, but I reckon a little polish would make it even better. Great work birdwing, awesome job!! ;D ;D ;D
Post by: birdwing341 on May 27, 2016, 10:32:46 pm
:) :) Thanks again!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 27, 2016, 10:50:06 pm
Thanks so much Jamon!! Will be getting onto that feedback and reworking. Would you be able to mark it if I sent it back soon?
:) :) Thanks again!
You are welcome, and absolutely!! Or if I don't Elyse will, we're here to help! :D
Post by: aqsarana_ on May 27, 2016, 11:11:38 pm
I have attached my Module A essay (King Richard III & Looking for Richard). Can you please mark it and provide me with as much feedback as possible?
Thank you.
Post by: angela99 on May 28, 2016, 12:13:49 am
Hey Angela!! I know where you are coming from, I always struggled with Module C. Let me attach the first section of the syllabus:
This module requires students to explore various representations of events, personalities or situations. They evaluate how medium of production, textual form, perspective and choice of language influence meaning. The study develops students’ understanding of the relationships between representation and meaning.
So, I'm expecting your paragraph to explore how the meaning of the text (meaning, how the audience interprets the composers ideas) is influenced by things like medium, form, and technique. Thus, you show the relationship between the representational choices of the composer, and how we interpret meaning as an audience ;D
Paragraph attached!SpoilerQuestion: “Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse with the absolute truth” Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribe text and the ONE other related text provided.
The world is a fabrication based on the influences of the political environment, shaped by man's desires and intentions. Oh this is cool! I like this, I think it just a little bit vague though, what do you mean by the world being a "fabrication." Just a little bit more elaboration here perhaps. Huxley’s examination of the use of social conditioning as a way to achieve stability gives rise to this perspective of a controlled truth. Good. The World State’s motto of “Community, Identity, Stability” stimulates a sense of irony as a social goal. ‘Community’ is a concept that has been contrived based on the World State’s definitions of social class. This concept only exists when individuals subscribe to the values of their respective social classes. We are slipping a bit into retelling the text here, you must focus on techniques and how they shape meaning, perhaps more in this module than any other!! As well as this, the notion of individuality and identity has essentially been abolished. Individuals are created without individuality; each one is programmed to behave exactly like the next. As above, you are just taking the plot details of the text and linking them to your concept, you need to shift the focus to representational choices that have been made by Huxley. The obvious sense of irony instilled in the reader shows the extent to which truth is relative to one’s surroundings, subject to ‘man-made’ ideals. Good, but HOW did Huxley do this? The representation of concepts like hypnopedia and psychological engineering highlight that social stability amongst each caste (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon) is created through manipulating them to accept a manufactured truth that is deemed to be the ‘absolute truth’. What techniques/literary devices did Huxley employ to demonstrate this? This alludes to the fact that their world is simply a construction of what they ought to believe. In chapter 2, Huxley uses the metaphor of water in the natural process of weathering to represent the nature of conditioning; “Not so much like drops of water, though water, it is true, can wear holes in the hardest granite”. That's better, this is a representational choice by Huxley, what effect does this have on meaning for the audience? Conditioning can wear away at the ‘shape of who a person is’ with persistence and time, allowing the them to “confuse a planted truth as the absolute truth”. The contrast of a manufactured ideology with this pure, natural process, placed side by side, makes Huxley’s perspective of an unconventional society easily recognisable, and the political manipulation of truth in a wider society is represented in a specific light.
I really like your concept in this paragraph, the idea of manufactured social stability and such, really really cool. However, I do think you are missing the mark on the Module's objectives just a tad. The fix is simple!! You need to shift away from retelling plot elements and describing the world space of the novel, and shift towards showing how techniques are used to, for example, create the world space in a specific way and thus communicate meaning to the audience. For example, instead of simply describing the motto in a 'text/plot focused' way, show how Huxley uses the motto as a motif to frequently re-accentuate the nature of "INSERT YOUR CONCEPT HERE." I've read the text, and that motto comes up pretty much once a chapter, that sense of repetition conveys the sense of a manufactured world space to me as a reader (or at least thats one representation). Those are the sorts of links you need to make, how does Huxley make choices that influence how I interpret meaning in his novel.
This goes as a recommendation for every essay, but it is especially mandatory for Module C, every sentence should contain a:
- Technique/Representational Choice Made by Huxley
- The Idea it Conveys
- How the Choice Influences MY/OUR Interpretation of the Idea (often these last two are blended together a tad)
This will let you develop the relationship between representational choices made by Huxley, and the meaning we garner as an audience ;D
I hope this helps!! As I said, I love your concept, it's purely the technique stuff that needs fixing! ;D
im back! im sorry if you keep having to read over the same paragraph ahaha. just really trying to fix it
The conventional ideology and function of the world is a fabrication based on the influences of the political environment, a social construct shaped by man's desires and intentions. (tried to address the issue of vagueness here) Huxley’s examination of the use of social conditioning as a way to achieve stability gives rise to this perspective of a controlled truth. Huxley uses the World State’s motto of “Community, Identity, Stability” as a motif to frequently re-accentuate the nature of truth as relative to one’s surroundings. Through the constant repetition of this motto throughout the novel, Huxley presents the evident contrast between the modern concept of community and the contrived notion of community that he represents in Brave New World. This thus stimulates a strong sense of irony in the motto as a social goal. The sense of irony instilled in the reader allows them to question this difference in the true definition of community, showing the extent to which ‘absolute truth’ can be subject to ‘man-made’ ideals. In addition to this, the use of concepts like hypnopedia and psychological engineering are created by Huxley to highlight that the representation of social stability amongst each caste (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon) is created through manipulating them to accept a manufactured truth. In chapter 2, Huxley uses the metaphor of water in the natural process of weathering to represent the fact that their world is simply a construction of what is ought to be believed; “Not so much like drops of water, though water, it is true, can wear holes in the hardest granite”. The contrast of a manufactured ideology with this pure, natural process, placed side by side, makes Huxley’s perspective of an unconventional society easily recognisable, and political manipulation of truth in a wider society is represented in a specific light. Through this, Huxley conveys the meaning of conditioning as a tool that can wear away at the ‘shape of who a person is’ with persistence and time, allowing the them to “confuse a planted truth as the absolute truth”.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 28, 2016, 11:08:29 am
im back! im sorry if you keep having to read over the same paragraph ahaha. just really trying to fix it
Hey! No problem at all! I'm super happy to keep helping you get it right! ;D Comments throughout just like before :D
Spoiler
The conventional ideology and function of the world is a fabrication based on the influences of the political environment, a social construct shaped by man's desires and intentions. Much, much, better. Brilliant! Huxley’s examination of the use of social conditioning as a way to achieve stability gives rise to this perspective of a controlled truth. Huxley uses the World State’s motto of “Community, Identity, Stability” as a motif to frequently re-accentuate the nature of truth as relative to one’s surroundings. Through the constant repetition of this motto throughout the novel, Huxley presents the evident contrast between the modern concept of community and the contrived notion of community that he represents in Brave New World. Excellent, bringing Huxley into this makes it much more effective immediately! Exactly what about the modern concept of community if Huxley contrasting? This thus stimulates a strong sense of irony in the motto as a social goal. "This thus" is a little off putting for a reader, slight wording issue there. The sense of irony instilled in the reader allows them to question this difference in the true definition of community, showing the extent to which ‘absolute truth’ can be subject to ‘man-made’ ideals. Good, although we have now spent quite a large amount of time discussing a single textual reference. You may want to be a bit more succinct to allow you to include more evidence! In addition to this, the use of concepts like hypnopedia and psychological engineering are created by Huxley to highlight that the representation of social stability amongst each caste (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon) is created through manipulating them to accept a manufactured truth. In chapter 2, Huxley uses the metaphor of water in the natural process of weathering to represent the fact that their world is simply a construction of what is ought to be believed; “Not so much like drops of water, though water, it is true, can wear holes in the hardest granite”. A few slight wording issues in those last two sentences. The "use of concepts created by Huxley" doesn't quite make sense, as does "what is ought to be believed." Little fixes. The contrast of a manufactured ideology with this pure, natural process, placed side by side, makes Huxley’s perspective of an unconventional society easily recognisable, and political manipulation of truth in a wider society is represented in a specific light. Fantastic! Through this, Huxley conveys the meaning of conditioning as a tool that can wear away at the ‘shape of who a person is’ with persistence and time, allowing the them to “confuse a planted truth as the absolute truth”. Beautiful integration of quotes into a succinct conclusion.
Okay, this is absolutely fantastic! Massive improvement on your first version, just slight changes have elevated this to an extremely sophisticated paragraph. This is how you craft a Module C paragraph! A few little wording issues and minor comments throughout, but on the whole, you've got it. Excellent work!!
Okay, so you've got the analysis down. We now turn to addressing the specific question at hand. There are two things that you need to add to tailor this to your specific question, which was:
Question: “Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse with the absolute truth” Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribe text and the ONE other related text provided.
The first is to provide a judgement. It doesn't take much effort at all. Instead of just saying HOW Huxley creates meaning, you also need to say HOW WELL he does it. Usually, adding evaluate adjectives and phrases in key places will be all you need to get this done. For example, changing your second sentence to: Huxley’s powerful use of literary technique allows his examination of how the use of social conditioning to achieve stability gives rise to this perspective of a controlled truth.. Okay, that might have been a little messy, but you can see how little inclusions will get this job done for you ;D
The second, and this is more of a thing to include in an entire response (it need not appear in every paragraph), is context. The high range English Advanced student will also link the exploration of themes to the personal context of the author, the historical context of their time, and the context of the audience. You do this briefly when discussing the modern concepts of community, but not to great detail. Ensure that, when you approach a response as a whole, you include the effect of context on how Huxley chooses to create meaning. Essentially, Huxley is taking the emerging technological/bio-ethical issues of the early 20th century, and extrapolating them to their furthest conclusion. In this way, he creates a didactic text which seeks to WARN the audience of the dangers of these developments, using dehumanisation as a constant theme in the text (notice how he frequently crafts a world space where traditionally human characteristics are subverted). Integrating these contextual triggers for Huxley will raise you to the very high range of responses. Again, it need not appear in every paragraph (hence why I ignored it earlier). Let me know if this is something you need a bit more qualification for ;D
Pretty much Angela, you've now got the idea. Don't let the massive rant here fool you, this is a Band 5/6 paragraph. Now you just need the embellishments to get it finished ;) good work!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 28, 2016, 11:51:55 am
Hi,
I have attached my Module A essay (King Richard III & Looking for Richard). Can you please mark it and provide me with as much feedback as possible?
Thank you.
Hey aqsarana!! Absolutely, I'll rip it apart (totally kidding) ;) your essay is attached with comments throughout!
Spoiler
In exploring universal values, composers are able to sustain the interest of their respective audience, despite being centuries apart. Good Thesis! However, it seems a little self apparent, composers can obviously sustain the interest of their respective audiences, it is commanding the attention of audiences hundreds of years later which is effective. I think this is what you mean, the wording doesn't quite say that though. With the exploration of the similarities and differences between the two texts, a deeper understanding of the values, significance and concerns emerge. Shakespeare’s 1952 play King Richard III and Pacino’s 1997 docu-drama Looking for Richard draw on their respective contexts to highlight concerns of power and control and in Looking for Richard, the effects of a postmodern system on the human condition. It would be more effective to find a way to link these two themes in some way, that is the idea of the module, exploring portrayal of similar ideas across contexts. The construction and purpose of Pacino’s docudrama establishes a bridge between the two texts to comment on the continuity of resonating concerns in the contemporary context. Pacino uses his docudrama as a vehicle to communicate with the modern audience, extending the values and ideas encapsulated in Shakespeare’s play, King Richard III. Good start here! I'd like to see a list of what you will be discussing in each paragraph integrated into the argument somewhere.
The desire for power in King Richard III becomes the driving force for the destruction of the protagonist in the play, catalysing the downfall of societal construct in the Elizabethan era. This is a good topic sentence. However, it is more effective if the concept you will be exploring stands separately from the text, if it is universal it should not rely on any specific text. Richards forceful surrendering of power and perfection to the workings of divine justice becomes a reminder of the complexity of power underpinning the play. The use of dramatic prologue in “plots that I have laid, inductions dangerous” alludes to Richard’s evil plans in attaining royal status, his abrogation of absolute responsibility foreshadowing the inversion of natural order. Richard’s embodiment of the Machiavellianism character exposes the manipulative and deceptive nature of his actions, commenting on the consequences of exploiting power. The theatrical use of the internal monologue “short summer” is metaphoric to Richard’s short expanse of anticipation in gaining Kingship, paralleling Richard’s “civil wounds” that were consequential to his actions. Your analysis so far is effective, but be careful that you do NOT rely on retelling the plot to convey your meaning. The focus should be techniques, you don't need to tell the reader what happened in the play to analyse how meaning is created. Political tension was common during the 16th century, where the attainment of power by politicians established the dysfunctional society that prevailed. Shakespeare illustrates the appalling consequences of suppressing humanity in exchange for power. Good contextual inclusion. Richard’s realisation of his wicked deeds is encapsulated in the metaphorical personification of his “cowardly conscience”, his introspective reflection through the questioning of past actions foreshadow his punishment by fate. Richard cannot be attributed for this technique, SHAKESPEARE used it. Be sure that all credit goes to the composer. Shakespeare does ____ to achieve ____. The emphasis on the theocentric worldview reinforces the necessity of social order being sanctioned by God, the emphasis on the spiritual chain of being becoming a platform for Richard’s destruction. Shakespeare comments on Richards’s cunning nature as a means of gaining power, forcing the audience to question the political paradigms of the 16th century. Good conclusion.
The need for power, coupled with divine control establishes the post-modernist framework of Looking for Richard. Power is presented through Pacino’s reformation of the play, drawing on democratic ideals and current political realities that parallel Shakespeare’s microcosmic world. Again, very effective, but that first sentence should try to be independent of the text! The opening mis-en-scene of the modernised society through the juxtaposition of Pacino and a teenaged boy becomes a symbol forcing the youth to reconsider the continued significance of Shakespeare’s literature across contexts. Pacino, all dressed in black, symbolises the darkness of evil, his attire and physicality becoming necessary in creating the image of power abrogation. This emphasis on visceral imagery contrasts with Shakespeare’s representation of Richard and the masking his true nature, reinforcing the relationship between evil and the destruction of natural order. Good. Pacino’s control of power can be seen through the deliberate medieval setting for the opening soliloquy and the tilt camera angle, his instructing of Frederick foreshadows the usurpation of absolute authority. The characterisation of Pacino becomes central in the progress of the documentary; his ability to guide everyone shows his dominating control paralleling Shakespeare’s representation of Richard as a divine Power. You are bordering on textual retell here, be careful not to give unnecessary plot details. Due to the meta-nature of this film though, it may be unavoidable. Similarly to Shakespeare’s King Richard III, Richard’s death in the denouement is exaggerated and felt by Pacino simultaneously. The background noise of yelling and loud music reflects on the boundaries between the persona of Richard and the character of Pacino, blurred to a degree that the two become inseparable. Thus showing the audience WHAT about power? The double death of Richard’s death in the Battle contrasts with Pacino’s death on the streets of America, revealing Pacino’s willingness to extend Shakespeare’s ideas because of its continued relevance in the modern context. Through simultaneously engaging with the two texts, both composers comment on the consequences on the greed instilled in individuals, serving as a didactic warning for future generations. I think your analysis on the whole is effective, but too text-focused. You are relying on how the text makes the concept evident. You need a slight shift to make the concept the main focus, and the text is just your evidence for that.
King Richard III explicitly explores the gap between outward appearance and inward reality, illustrating the deceptive nature of Richard. A façade of goodness is carefully constructed by Richard despite being aware of its contradiction with his internal reality. He uses manipulative characteristics to exploit other characters in an attempt to achieve his ulterior motives, acknowledging his vice motivations. This, for example, is unnecessary retell. Shakespeare reveals Richard as a character of a brilliant and witty mind within a deformed body through the opening soliloquy to foreshadow his evil plans and expose his immoral mind to the audience. The striking metaphoric imagery “court an amorous looking glass” serves as a paradox in highlighting the lack of transparency between the audience and the true nature of Richard’s character. Thus showing the audience? Truth was not valued by Richard; rather it was manipulated as a tool for deception. The accumulation of rhetorical questions “When done thee wrong?” asserts to his ironic use of language as a vehicle to express his innocence. He casts himself as both an actor in the unfolding drama of the struggle for the crown and as the director of such a play, usurping the divine guidance of fate valued by the Elizabethans. Richard plays the role of a desperate lover, despite his assertion in the opening scene that ‘he cannot prove a lover’. The irony that underlies this dichotomy displays his lack of trust as he becomes a victim of his own schemes. Shakespeare believes the deceit of Richard and his wicked crimes meets with divine consequences, providing an insight into the reality of the destruction of natural order.
Pacino’s Looking for Richard revels in the deceptive nature of Richard, linking it to the practised and casual ease with which Pacino owns the centre stage. Shakespeare explores the devaluation of truth in the Elizabethan era contrasting with Pacino’s manipulating of the truth as a powerful tool. The films fluidity from vox populi, scholars and different texts reflects the Postmodernist context of superficiality lacking originality. Pacino comments on the ambiguity of the lines in Shakespeare’s plays connoting the lack of ingenuity emerging in the 20th century as a reaction to world events which encouraged increased questioning of humanity. Be specific here, which world events? Notions of absolute truth were questioned, the construction of texts and art were heightened and the tragic nature of life was represented in an authentic form. The film’s use of intertextuality from Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’ through the voiceover of “our actors, all spirit” justifies the postmodern obscurity of the 20th century. It reinforces the inability of life in providing moral certainty, rendering the search for the truth being futile and endless, contrasting with the Elizabethan era. Thus the film shifts its focus to the skilful manipulation of appearance and reality, setting aside the notions of truth and deceit. Pacino’s portrayal of Richard’s capability to “manoeuvre” revels in his ability to deceive those who trust him best, highlighted through his contradictory characterisations as the villain, loving brother and resistant king. Richard’s ability to reconstruct the truth is portrayed through the fluid editing of rehearsal scenes, forcing Richard to experience life in all its richness rather than to surrender to the moralities of a bygone age. Thus showing the audience _____ about your concept. Looking for Richard blurs the lines between reality and fiction, denoting the unoriginal 20th century society.
Through the collective analysis of both texts, a heightened understanding of the values and concerns emerge to highlight the paralleling of societal construct across contexts. Shakespeare’s King Richard III explores the manipulative motives in power pursuit and the concealment of inner reality. Pacino’s docu-film Looking for Richard illustrates the difficulties of the modern construct in appreciating the complexity of language form during the Shakespearean era. Both composers use their craft as a vehicle to comment on the human condition and the necessity of balance in maintaining natural order. I think this conclusion needs to be reworked slightly, the focus of your essay should be one conceptual area that is explored in both texts. I like the addition of "Looking for Richard" directly commenting on Richard III, but rework it, how does Looking for Richard accentuate Shakespeare's exploration of power and inner reality?
The desire for power in King Richard III becomes the driving force for the destruction of the protagonist in the play, catalysing the downfall of societal construct in the Elizabethan era. This is a good topic sentence. However, it is more effective if the concept you will be exploring stands separately from the text, if it is universal it should not rely on any specific text. Richards forceful surrendering of power and perfection to the workings of divine justice becomes a reminder of the complexity of power underpinning the play. The use of dramatic prologue in “plots that I have laid, inductions dangerous” alludes to Richard’s evil plans in attaining royal status, his abrogation of absolute responsibility foreshadowing the inversion of natural order. Richard’s embodiment of the Machiavellianism character exposes the manipulative and deceptive nature of his actions, commenting on the consequences of exploiting power. The theatrical use of the internal monologue “short summer” is metaphoric to Richard’s short expanse of anticipation in gaining Kingship, paralleling Richard’s “civil wounds” that were consequential to his actions. Your analysis so far is effective, but be careful that you do NOT rely on retelling the plot to convey your meaning. The focus should be techniques, you don't need to tell the reader what happened in the play to analyse how meaning is created. Political tension was common during the 16th century, where the attainment of power by politicians established the dysfunctional society that prevailed. Shakespeare illustrates the appalling consequences of suppressing humanity in exchange for power. Good contextual inclusion. Richard’s realisation of his wicked deeds is encapsulated in the metaphorical personification of his “cowardly conscience”, his introspective reflection through the questioning of past actions foreshadow his punishment by fate. Richard cannot be attributed for this technique, SHAKESPEARE used it. Be sure that all credit goes to the composer. Shakespeare does ____ to achieve ____. The emphasis on the theocentric worldview reinforces the necessity of social order being sanctioned by God, the emphasis on the spiritual chain of being becoming a platform for Richard’s destruction. Shakespeare comments on Richards’s cunning nature as a means of gaining power, forcing the audience to question the political paradigms of the 16th century. Good conclusion.
The need for power, coupled with divine control establishes the post-modernist framework of Looking for Richard. Power is presented through Pacino’s reformation of the play, drawing on democratic ideals and current political realities that parallel Shakespeare’s microcosmic world. Again, very effective, but that first sentence should try to be independent of the text! The opening mis-en-scene of the modernised society through the juxtaposition of Pacino and a teenaged boy becomes a symbol forcing the youth to reconsider the continued significance of Shakespeare’s literature across contexts. Pacino, all dressed in black, symbolises the darkness of evil, his attire and physicality becoming necessary in creating the image of power abrogation. This emphasis on visceral imagery contrasts with Shakespeare’s representation of Richard and the masking his true nature, reinforcing the relationship between evil and the destruction of natural order. Good. Pacino’s control of power can be seen through the deliberate medieval setting for the opening soliloquy and the tilt camera angle, his instructing of Frederick foreshadows the usurpation of absolute authority. The characterisation of Pacino becomes central in the progress of the documentary; his ability to guide everyone shows his dominating control paralleling Shakespeare’s representation of Richard as a divine Power. You are bordering on textual retell here, be careful not to give unnecessary plot details. Due to the meta-nature of this film though, it may be unavoidable. Similarly to Shakespeare’s King Richard III, Richard’s death in the denouement is exaggerated and felt by Pacino simultaneously. The background noise of yelling and loud music reflects on the boundaries between the persona of Richard and the character of Pacino, blurred to a degree that the two become inseparable. Thus showing the audience WHAT about power? The double death of Richard’s death in the Battle contrasts with Pacino’s death on the streets of America, revealing Pacino’s willingness to extend Shakespeare’s ideas because of its continued relevance in the modern context. Through simultaneously engaging with the two texts, both composers comment on the consequences on the greed instilled in individuals, serving as a didactic warning for future generations. I think your analysis on the whole is effective, but too text-focused. You are relying on how the text makes the concept evident. You need a slight shift to make the concept the main focus, and the text is just your evidence for that.
King Richard III explicitly explores the gap between outward appearance and inward reality, illustrating the deceptive nature of Richard. A façade of goodness is carefully constructed by Richard despite being aware of its contradiction with his internal reality. He uses manipulative characteristics to exploit other characters in an attempt to achieve his ulterior motives, acknowledging his vice motivations. This, for example, is unnecessary retell. Shakespeare reveals Richard as a character of a brilliant and witty mind within a deformed body through the opening soliloquy to foreshadow his evil plans and expose his immoral mind to the audience. The striking metaphoric imagery “court an amorous looking glass” serves as a paradox in highlighting the lack of transparency between the audience and the true nature of Richard’s character. Thus showing the audience? Truth was not valued by Richard; rather it was manipulated as a tool for deception. The accumulation of rhetorical questions “When done thee wrong?” asserts to his ironic use of language as a vehicle to express his innocence. He casts himself as both an actor in the unfolding drama of the struggle for the crown and as the director of such a play, usurping the divine guidance of fate valued by the Elizabethans. Richard plays the role of a desperate lover, despite his assertion in the opening scene that ‘he cannot prove a lover’. The irony that underlies this dichotomy displays his lack of trust as he becomes a victim of his own schemes. Shakespeare believes the deceit of Richard and his wicked crimes meets with divine consequences, providing an insight into the reality of the destruction of natural order.
Pacino’s Looking for Richard revels in the deceptive nature of Richard, linking it to the practised and casual ease with which Pacino owns the centre stage. Shakespeare explores the devaluation of truth in the Elizabethan era contrasting with Pacino’s manipulating of the truth as a powerful tool. The films fluidity from vox populi, scholars and different texts reflects the Postmodernist context of superficiality lacking originality. Pacino comments on the ambiguity of the lines in Shakespeare’s plays connoting the lack of ingenuity emerging in the 20th century as a reaction to world events which encouraged increased questioning of humanity. Be specific here, which world events? Notions of absolute truth were questioned, the construction of texts and art were heightened and the tragic nature of life was represented in an authentic form. The film’s use of intertextuality from Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’ through the voiceover of “our actors, all spirit” justifies the postmodern obscurity of the 20th century. It reinforces the inability of life in providing moral certainty, rendering the search for the truth being futile and endless, contrasting with the Elizabethan era. Thus the film shifts its focus to the skilful manipulation of appearance and reality, setting aside the notions of truth and deceit. Pacino’s portrayal of Richard’s capability to “manoeuvre” revels in his ability to deceive those who trust him best, highlighted through his contradictory characterisations as the villain, loving brother and resistant king. Richard’s ability to reconstruct the truth is portrayed through the fluid editing of rehearsal scenes, forcing Richard to experience life in all its richness rather than to surrender to the moralities of a bygone age. Thus showing the audience _____ about your concept. Looking for Richard blurs the lines between reality and fiction, denoting the unoriginal 20th century society.
Through the collective analysis of both texts, a heightened understanding of the values and concerns emerge to highlight the paralleling of societal construct across contexts. Shakespeare’s King Richard III explores the manipulative motives in power pursuit and the concealment of inner reality. Pacino’s docu-film Looking for Richard illustrates the difficulties of the modern construct in appreciating the complexity of language form during the Shakespearean era. Both composers use their craft as a vehicle to comment on the human condition and the necessity of balance in maintaining natural order. I think this conclusion needs to be reworked slightly, the focus of your essay should be one conceptual area that is explored in both texts. I like the addition of "Looking for Richard" directly commenting on Richard III, but rework it, how does Looking for Richard accentuate Shakespeare's exploration of power and inner reality?
This is an extremely effective essay! You've definitely nailed the comparative aspect of this essay, extremely effective, and you've gone further to explain how Looking for Richard directly influences our perspective of Richard III. Fantastic! You've included context throughout as well, which is vital, you may wish to elaborate more on those inclusions.
The big improvement I would suggest for your essay is a bit subtle, but will make a big difference to the quality of your analysis. Essentially, your response is very text-focused. You focus on the characters in the text and use plot details to show how the concept is evident in these aspects; often with a technique (which is great). However, the demands of this module require you to explore how the CONCEPT is explored in two different texts. The focus should be on the concept, not the text. The evidence then becomes Shakespeare/Pacino's use of technique to explore the content in different ways. You should not needing to use the plot and explain the characters actions to explain the concept. It should be stand alone.
EG - The inherent mortal desire for the acquisition of power will often lead to the destruction of individual identity and moral virtue. Shakespeare draws on the political tensions of his context, crafting a representation of the character of Richard which accentuates the effects of....
See how this leads with the context, and THEN uses the text as evidence? You are going the other way around. The difference is subtle, but very important in Module A.
Besides this, I think your essay is great! Making the change above will naturally address a few of the smaller issues I mentioned throughout, let me know if anything is unclear! Hope it helps ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 28, 2016, 01:21:52 pm
I rewrote my essay ... again
Do you think it fulfills the criteria better this time?
My teacher said that 'You are not writing an academic essay, but an opinion piece so it needs to be more upbeat and contain lots of persuasive devices'. But i'm not sure if I have included persuasive devices or how to include more without making the paragraphs too chunky.
My teacher also told me to look at this opinion pieces. So I assume she wants my essay like that?
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/06/01/does-great-literature-make-us-better/
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/23/opinion/blow-reading-books-is-fundamental.html?_r=0
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/may/13/books-ebook-publishers-paper
Post by: birdwing341 on May 28, 2016, 03:32:16 pm
I have recently seen the stimulus for my examination (which is the final scene of the film), and my assessment notification says that "the question will explore the ideas presented in the extract and their importance to the film as a whole". With that in mind, I have moulded my essay to a possible question which is written in the document.
If you could provide feedback for the essay in general, but also how I incorporate the stimulus into my response that would be great!
Post by: ccarolineb on May 28, 2016, 05:26:14 pm
Question: “Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse for the absolute truth”
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.
Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this quote becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. Both these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between.
Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants, “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to.
A very similar idea is parodied in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots”. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’.
Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity.
The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient display of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity.
John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the World State. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””. In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds.
John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity, and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.
Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2016, 01:06:36 pm
Thank you for your patience. It is my fault for not correctly specifying that it is not a speech. :-[ It is greatly appreciated because this particular task is quite confusing to do ;)
I rewrote my essay ... again
Do you think it fulfills the criteria better this time?
My teacher said that 'You are not writing an academic essay, but an opinion piece so it needs to be more upbeat and contain lots of persuasive devices'. But i'm not sure if I have included persuasive devices or how to include more without making the paragraphs too chunky.
My teacher also told me to look at this opinion pieces. So I assume she wants my essay like that?
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/06/01/does-great-literature-make-us-better/
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/23/opinion/blow-reading-books-is-fundamental.html?_r=0
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/may/13/books-ebook-publishers-paper
Hey another world! Elyse has been looking at your piece and should have some feedback for you by the end of the night! Just so you know you haven't been forgotten before the essays below you ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2016, 01:36:26 pm
Hello again, back for round 2 :)
I have recently seen the stimulus for my examination (which is the final scene of the film), and my assessment notification says that "the question will explore the ideas presented in the extract and their importance to the film as a whole". With that in mind, I have moulded my essay to a possible question which is written in the document.
If you could provide feedback for the essay in general, but also how I incorporate the stimulus into my response that would be great!
Hey birdwing! No problem, essay is attached with some more feedback:
Spoiler
Examine how the themes in the final scene of the film relate to the broader meaning of the film as a whole.
Through a critical study of meaningful films, audiences are able to gain insight into prevalent issues of modern society because of composers’ use of cinematic devices and construction to synthesise meaning. Orson Welles’ 1941 film “Citizen Kane” explores the corruptive nature of power arisen from wealth on the values of titular character Kane and his relationship with Susan Alexander, and the complexity of human identity, viewed from the eyes of Kane himself and of the outside world. Nice conceptual focus, this nicely leads with the concept but you have still set up a very character driven analysis. These thematic concerns, which are encapsulated in the final scene of the film, are prevalent throughout the film and by utilising ground-breaking cinematic techniques, Welles invites the audience to respond to key themes and observe the film’s textual integrity. Little wording issue in that last sentence, "by utilising" doesn't quite work. On the whole though, excellent!
Welles recognises the desire of humanity to receive wealth and recognition, and portrays its ramifications in causing the transformation of individuals’ priorities and the collapse of relationships through the example of Kane. Beautiful! In the early stages of his life, Kane is portrayed as an idealist, as he describes himself as a “champion of the people’s rights” in his “Declaration of Principles”. Technique? This is retell. Yet Welles undermines Kane’s moral idealism by chiaroscuro lighting which places him in the shadow and Leland as his moral foil, in the light, and foreshadows his later corruption. Thus showing the audience ??? about the desire of humanity for wealth. His initial morality is juxtaposed against his later corruption when Leland returns the “Principles” after Kane fires him. See how this is just plot description? I know this is tempting, but it doesn't assist your analysis, and for an essay over 1000 words you want to cut as much excess as possible! Kane’s casual tone and simplistic costuming as he calls it an “antique” and rips it to pieces suggest a nonchalance towards moral virtue and serve to show the change in Kane’s priorities arisen from the acquisition of power. In fact, by his own admission, all Kane ever used his money for was “to buy things”. Retell. Welles frames Kane centrally against giant windows to emphasise his preoccupation with his own possessions in contrast to supporting the “underprivileged”. Thus showing the audience ??? about your concept. His legacy is depicted in the final scene of the film, where a panning shot reveals the extent of his belongings and highlights the transformation of his priorities. Thus by examining the final scene in relation to the film as a whole, responders can observe the film’s textual integrity. I don't know the film so I'm not sure if you brought it in earlier without me seeing, but you definitely will need to integrate the final scene more than just a single sentence at the end. It should take up nearly as much, or even as much or more, than the analysis of the remainder of the film. You haven't enforced the textual integrity aspect of your conclusion, due to the high frequency of textual retell.
Welles further suggests the transformation of an individual’s character by examining the disintegration of relationships. At the beginning of the film, the intimacy of Kane’s relationship with Susan is revealed in repeated close-up shot-reverse-shots as both characters seek to avoid the “loneliness” which forms the basis of their friendship. Yet after her singing debut, Kane’s desire for power over her causes him to force her to sing operas, despite her vocal desire to stop. This sentence is retell. Welles frames Susan in a high-angle shot as Kane’s shadow falls over her to show her vulnerability and reflect his self-importance. Thus showing the audience ??? Welles further suggests Susan’s entrapment in her depiction against a backdrop of statues whilst solving jigsaw puzzles. Retell. The unity of physical and figurative structures in the statues, which represent his wealth, status and domineering presence, and jigsaw puzzles which symbolise places visible but unreachable, allow the audience to observe Kane’s ignorance of Susan’s desires. Thus showing them ??? about your concept. Welles depicts the finality of the breakdown of their relationship the final scene where a journalist ironically notes there are “lots of jigsaws”, whilst the audience is privy there is no-one to do them. Technique? This would be dramatic irony based on your description. By representing Kane as metonymic of humanity, Welles invites responders to observe the threat of the corruptive nature of power on an individual’s wellbeing. Again, you've not backed up your argument here, you are describing the text using techniques but not linking it to what the audience learns about your concept. We haven't learnt how the text informs us about the corruptive nature of power.
“Citizen Kane” examines the notion of identity through an examination of an individual’s view of their own sense-of-self, and the difficulty in gaining an accurate understanding of an individual because of differing views on individual’s actions. Your topic sentences are very nice! The defining moment of Kane’s identity is in the signing away scene, told through Thatcher’s memoirs. Retell. Welles portrays Kane through the rigid structure of a window to signify his helplessness, and uses deep-focus photography to allow the audience to resonate with his subsequent desire for stable relationships and innocence. Thus showing them ?? about the notion of identity. His abandonment also catalyses his obsession with the snow-globe. Retell. The figurative effect of its glass represents the symbolic purity of Kane’s childhood, but also demonstrates his inability to access this part of himself, contributing to his fractured identity. Thus showing the audience _____. You need to make this final step to what the audience takes away from the text, completely separate to the text itself. So what if we notice Kane's fractured identity, what does this teach us? Welles further reveals Kane’s complex character in mis-en-abyme, where Kane’s many mirror reflections demonstrate the numerous aspects of an individual’s identity and the difficulty in distinguishing the truth about oneself. This is better! I'd add the technique of symbolism here though, might work a little better! Welles depicts the finality of this idea in Thompson’s aphorism “I don’t think any word can explain a man’s life”, where Thompson’s centrality within the frame suggests the significance of the complexity of identity to an understanding of the whole film. These last two sentences were more like what you need! Thus by synthesising stylistic and thematic concerns with regard to identity, Welles allows responders to reflect on Kane’s character as a broader symbol of their own. This paragraph was better than the others, you made steps to link to audience understanding and you had less retell, better!
Welles also explores the difficulty for others to truly understand an individual due to conflicting perspectives on their identity. Nice. Welles utilises the journalist Thompson as a cipher for the audience as he investigates the meaning of “Rosebud”, yet after his entire search he yields “I didn’t find out much”. His shadowed figure combined with a zoom-out demonstrates the hiddenness of objective truth to responders. Good! The interviews of Thompson are revealed in non-linear flashbacks, which create a fragmented narrative structure and offer conflicting recollections of who Kane was, denying the audience of an objective truth of Kane’s identity. Thus showing us ____ about conflicting perspectives. The disparity between perspectives on Kane’s identity is further revealed in the “News on the March” newsreel, where Kane is labelled both a Communist and Fascist in short succession. The incongruent and conflicting characterisation of Kane again serves to demonstrate the difficulty in searching for objective truth. Through an examination of the dichotomy between Kane’s view of and others’ conflicting perspectives on his identity, responders are challenged to be more understanding of those around them.
Perhaps one of the most important factors of “Citizen Kane” in allowing responders to be engaged and enlightened by the film is its openness to interpretation. Cinematographer Greg Toland’s extensive use of long takes allow the audience to become “active viewers” and allows for greater complexity of characterisation. Welles not only uses cinematic techniques, but symbolic devices to allow for the synthesis of construct and meaning to create unity. “Rosebud” serves as the chief driver of the film’s action, yet offers no concrete ‘revelation’ at the end of the film. Thus modern audiences are able to reconcile their personal context with an understanding of the importance of Rosebud and the broader meaning of the film. This means that each reading of the film is distinct and has personal meaning for every responder, which can be taken from the cinema and applied to their lives. The length of this last paragraph makes it feel out of place, you may want to look at integrating these ideas elsewhere.
Thus by examining “Citizen Kane”, insights into the corruptive nature of power and its consequences for individuals’ moral priorities and relationships, and the complexity of an individual’s identity and the difficulty in understanding humanity are attained. By synthesising the meaning of the final scene with the broader meaning of the film, Welles allows responders to gain an appreciation of the film’s textual integrity.
Through a critical study of meaningful films, audiences are able to gain insight into prevalent issues of modern society because of composers’ use of cinematic devices and construction to synthesise meaning. Orson Welles’ 1941 film “Citizen Kane” explores the corruptive nature of power arisen from wealth on the values of titular character Kane and his relationship with Susan Alexander, and the complexity of human identity, viewed from the eyes of Kane himself and of the outside world. Nice conceptual focus, this nicely leads with the concept but you have still set up a very character driven analysis. These thematic concerns, which are encapsulated in the final scene of the film, are prevalent throughout the film and by utilising ground-breaking cinematic techniques, Welles invites the audience to respond to key themes and observe the film’s textual integrity. Little wording issue in that last sentence, "by utilising" doesn't quite work. On the whole though, excellent!
Welles recognises the desire of humanity to receive wealth and recognition, and portrays its ramifications in causing the transformation of individuals’ priorities and the collapse of relationships through the example of Kane. Beautiful! In the early stages of his life, Kane is portrayed as an idealist, as he describes himself as a “champion of the people’s rights” in his “Declaration of Principles”. Technique? This is retell. Yet Welles undermines Kane’s moral idealism by chiaroscuro lighting which places him in the shadow and Leland as his moral foil, in the light, and foreshadows his later corruption. Thus showing the audience ??? about the desire of humanity for wealth. His initial morality is juxtaposed against his later corruption when Leland returns the “Principles” after Kane fires him. See how this is just plot description? I know this is tempting, but it doesn't assist your analysis, and for an essay over 1000 words you want to cut as much excess as possible! Kane’s casual tone and simplistic costuming as he calls it an “antique” and rips it to pieces suggest a nonchalance towards moral virtue and serve to show the change in Kane’s priorities arisen from the acquisition of power. In fact, by his own admission, all Kane ever used his money for was “to buy things”. Retell. Welles frames Kane centrally against giant windows to emphasise his preoccupation with his own possessions in contrast to supporting the “underprivileged”. Thus showing the audience ??? about your concept. His legacy is depicted in the final scene of the film, where a panning shot reveals the extent of his belongings and highlights the transformation of his priorities. Thus by examining the final scene in relation to the film as a whole, responders can observe the film’s textual integrity. I don't know the film so I'm not sure if you brought it in earlier without me seeing, but you definitely will need to integrate the final scene more than just a single sentence at the end. It should take up nearly as much, or even as much or more, than the analysis of the remainder of the film. You haven't enforced the textual integrity aspect of your conclusion, due to the high frequency of textual retell.
Welles further suggests the transformation of an individual’s character by examining the disintegration of relationships. At the beginning of the film, the intimacy of Kane’s relationship with Susan is revealed in repeated close-up shot-reverse-shots as both characters seek to avoid the “loneliness” which forms the basis of their friendship. Yet after her singing debut, Kane’s desire for power over her causes him to force her to sing operas, despite her vocal desire to stop. This sentence is retell. Welles frames Susan in a high-angle shot as Kane’s shadow falls over her to show her vulnerability and reflect his self-importance. Thus showing the audience ??? Welles further suggests Susan’s entrapment in her depiction against a backdrop of statues whilst solving jigsaw puzzles. Retell. The unity of physical and figurative structures in the statues, which represent his wealth, status and domineering presence, and jigsaw puzzles which symbolise places visible but unreachable, allow the audience to observe Kane’s ignorance of Susan’s desires. Thus showing them ??? about your concept. Welles depicts the finality of the breakdown of their relationship the final scene where a journalist ironically notes there are “lots of jigsaws”, whilst the audience is privy there is no-one to do them. Technique? This would be dramatic irony based on your description. By representing Kane as metonymic of humanity, Welles invites responders to observe the threat of the corruptive nature of power on an individual’s wellbeing. Again, you've not backed up your argument here, you are describing the text using techniques but not linking it to what the audience learns about your concept. We haven't learnt how the text informs us about the corruptive nature of power.
“Citizen Kane” examines the notion of identity through an examination of an individual’s view of their own sense-of-self, and the difficulty in gaining an accurate understanding of an individual because of differing views on individual’s actions. Your topic sentences are very nice! The defining moment of Kane’s identity is in the signing away scene, told through Thatcher’s memoirs. Retell. Welles portrays Kane through the rigid structure of a window to signify his helplessness, and uses deep-focus photography to allow the audience to resonate with his subsequent desire for stable relationships and innocence. Thus showing them ?? about the notion of identity. His abandonment also catalyses his obsession with the snow-globe. Retell. The figurative effect of its glass represents the symbolic purity of Kane’s childhood, but also demonstrates his inability to access this part of himself, contributing to his fractured identity. Thus showing the audience _____. You need to make this final step to what the audience takes away from the text, completely separate to the text itself. So what if we notice Kane's fractured identity, what does this teach us? Welles further reveals Kane’s complex character in mis-en-abyme, where Kane’s many mirror reflections demonstrate the numerous aspects of an individual’s identity and the difficulty in distinguishing the truth about oneself. This is better! I'd add the technique of symbolism here though, might work a little better! Welles depicts the finality of this idea in Thompson’s aphorism “I don’t think any word can explain a man’s life”, where Thompson’s centrality within the frame suggests the significance of the complexity of identity to an understanding of the whole film. These last two sentences were more like what you need! Thus by synthesising stylistic and thematic concerns with regard to identity, Welles allows responders to reflect on Kane’s character as a broader symbol of their own. This paragraph was better than the others, you made steps to link to audience understanding and you had less retell, better!
Welles also explores the difficulty for others to truly understand an individual due to conflicting perspectives on their identity. Nice. Welles utilises the journalist Thompson as a cipher for the audience as he investigates the meaning of “Rosebud”, yet after his entire search he yields “I didn’t find out much”. His shadowed figure combined with a zoom-out demonstrates the hiddenness of objective truth to responders. Good! The interviews of Thompson are revealed in non-linear flashbacks, which create a fragmented narrative structure and offer conflicting recollections of who Kane was, denying the audience of an objective truth of Kane’s identity. Thus showing us ____ about conflicting perspectives. The disparity between perspectives on Kane’s identity is further revealed in the “News on the March” newsreel, where Kane is labelled both a Communist and Fascist in short succession. The incongruent and conflicting characterisation of Kane again serves to demonstrate the difficulty in searching for objective truth. Through an examination of the dichotomy between Kane’s view of and others’ conflicting perspectives on his identity, responders are challenged to be more understanding of those around them.
Perhaps one of the most important factors of “Citizen Kane” in allowing responders to be engaged and enlightened by the film is its openness to interpretation. Cinematographer Greg Toland’s extensive use of long takes allow the audience to become “active viewers” and allows for greater complexity of characterisation. Welles not only uses cinematic techniques, but symbolic devices to allow for the synthesis of construct and meaning to create unity. “Rosebud” serves as the chief driver of the film’s action, yet offers no concrete ‘revelation’ at the end of the film. Thus modern audiences are able to reconcile their personal context with an understanding of the importance of Rosebud and the broader meaning of the film. This means that each reading of the film is distinct and has personal meaning for every responder, which can be taken from the cinema and applied to their lives. The length of this last paragraph makes it feel out of place, you may want to look at integrating these ideas elsewhere.
Thus by examining “Citizen Kane”, insights into the corruptive nature of power and its consequences for individuals’ moral priorities and relationships, and the complexity of an individual’s identity and the difficulty in understanding humanity are attained. By synthesising the meaning of the final scene with the broader meaning of the film, Welles allows responders to gain an appreciation of the film’s textual integrity.
The big improvements I'm noticing in this version are a greater emphasis on Welles as the composer of the film, and the techniques as utilised by him. Further, your topic sentences have become abstracted from the text, your conceptual focus now stands by itself much more effectively, so well done on implementing changes to make those improvements! It makes a big difference!
The big improvement I can recommend your response is still textual retell. There remains sections dominated by what happened in the text, with or without techniques this is unnecessary. You MUST focus on analysis and how techniques give meaning to the concept, this is something you did better towards the end. In conjunction, I'm noticing that often you show how the concept is evident in your example/technique (good job), but you are missing your final step; Linking to what the audience therefore takes away from the text. Yes, we notice Kane's fractured identity through Welles technique, but what does this SHOW US about the nature of the individual identity?
This version is definitely an improvement, so well done!! Keep working on eliminating retell and improving the quality of your analysis ;D ;D ;D I hope this helps!!
PS - I totally put question marks in your response and it turns out it was the shortcut for this emoji: ??? , aha sorry!
Post by: angela99 on May 29, 2016, 03:45:13 pm
Society is based on a distinctive hierarchical system, whereby those who possess power have both the incentive and the ability to fabricate and articulate their own machinations to benefit their own political, cultural, and social ideals. Perhaps the most overarching theme present within Brave New World is that of the ideology of social stability, which can be attained though overwhelming control and ‘blissful ignorance’ of humans. One of the most prominent aspects of the novel is introduced and presented in Chapter 1 through the implementation of the caste system, in which all ‘civilised peoples’ are categorised into either alphas, betas, gammas, deltas or epsilons, based on their intellectual capacity. Castes are determined prior to fertilisation, after which the Gamma, Delta and Epsilon ova undergo Bokanovsky’s Process, where one fertilised egg essentially produces up to ninety-six identical twins. The irony of this process is evident in the insidious nature of the power of individuals and the ‘community’, in constructing and dictating the intellectual and social classes of the world in which they live. The methodic notion of bokanovskification in being one of the ‘major instruments of social stability’, emphasises the extremes to which the World State will go to, to preserve stability. The idealism of a world in which all facets are controlled, allows leaders (World Controllers) to mould society to accept the ‘truth’ of their actions, manipulating them to disregard the moral implications, indicative of the dehumanised state of citizens of the World State. Early within the novel, readers are made aware of the World State’s Motto; Community, Identity, Stability.’ This ideology emphasises the need for conformity in social, political and personal matters, effectively revoking any means of individuality or identity through measures based on control in all aspects of ones life, thus creating a paradoxical and satirical effect. Conditioning and prenatal treatment creates individuals without individuality, each one being programmed to behave exactly like the next. This allows for social stability, as well as economic productivity, providing the platform for an obedient society formed on the basis of ‘infantile behaviour.’ The audience becomes aware that in the pursuit of success in creating clones of humanity that will become obedient and submissive is made the central goal, as opposed to individualism. Ultimately, society is determined by the government, in order to ensure people discover and ‘like their unescapable social destiny.’ This idea is further explored through the way in which the plot device of the student tour, alludes to the power the DHC has in society, highlighted by the idiom ‘straight out of the horses mouth’; that is from someone who holds authoritative power. As Huxley intended to impose a mixture of utopian and anti-utopian concepts, the text is ultimately established as that of a satirical nature, reflective of Huxley’s social criticism and as such, raises significant concerns based on his contextual surroundings in correlation with the society he lives in and projects the consequences on the future. This use of hyperbolic expressions of life without morals reflect both angst and dismay on the way in which community only exists when individuals subscribe to the values of their respective social classes, adhering to the role and expectations assigned to them. In addition, this idea concerning the nature of family and natural conception, the World State has represented this notion to be considered ‘viviparous’ to citizens, highlighting how society has succeeded in replacing nature and making humans ‘robotic’. The powerful use of technology is shown in the comparative make-up between the production of humans in the hatchery and the production of consumer goods in an assembly line, corresponding with the domino effect of the industrial revolution in the time of Huxley. The conditioning that takes place within Brave New World influences the individual through their life. Since values can be taught, the values established by the World state are impressed upon the children, often taught as slogans, which become ‘the absolute truth’ , never being questioned. The audience sees the extent to which the World State has successfully bestowed their influence of political ideology upon the citizens through the characterisation of Lenina and Henry Foster, two characters who represent the epitome of what the World State intended to create. In their willingness to conform, readers are able to understand how, through the work of men in the Hatchery during infancy, stability is ultimately achieved. The corresponding ideas of men in power who control all through conformity to bring about stability is evident in ‘I met the Walrus.’ However, juxtaposing the compliance of citizens in the World State who lack the ability to question the values of the World State, John Lennon’s objective is evidently to break the chain of control those in power have over people who often partake in actions that only benefit their ‘point of view’. In conjunction with the visual continuum of the animation, John Lennon argues his ideals of ‘promoting peace, [and] do[ing] everything for peace’ based on ‘his own point of view’, using a convincing, determined tone to quickly disregard and oppose the view points of the government and their take on the ‘militant revolution.’ Lennon utilises allusion to other revolutions as a means to develop his viewpoint, referring to revolutions in ‘Russia, France, anywhere they’re at it’, illustrating how the outcome of violence never turns ‘out to be what it promised’. Lennon discusses the way in the control of the government has the potential to ‘abuse’ people, because when they break things down, ‘they build it up again and the people bring it up, hang on to it and then they become the establishment.’ This directly relates to the caste system of Brave New World as each caste strengthens the establishment of the World State, because they are conditioned in this way to perform their job, as ‘everyone works for everyone else.
Post by: birdwing341 on May 29, 2016, 08:21:58 pm
Hey birdwing! No problem, essay is attached with some more feedback:SpoilerExamine how the themes in the final scene of the film relate to the broader meaning of the film as a whole.
Through a critical study of meaningful films, audiences are able to gain insight into prevalent issues of modern society because of composers’ use of cinematic devices and construction to synthesise meaning. Orson Welles’ 1941 film “Citizen Kane” explores the corruptive nature of power arisen from wealth on the values of titular character Kane and his relationship with Susan Alexander, and the complexity of human identity, viewed from the eyes of Kane himself and of the outside world. Nice conceptual focus, this nicely leads with the concept but you have still set up a very character driven analysis. These thematic concerns, which are encapsulated in the final scene of the film, are prevalent throughout the film and by utilising ground-breaking cinematic techniques, Welles invites the audience to respond to key themes and observe the film’s textual integrity. Little wording issue in that last sentence, "by utilising" doesn't quite work. On the whole though, excellent!
Welles recognises the desire of humanity to receive wealth and recognition, and portrays its ramifications in causing the transformation of individuals’ priorities and the collapse of relationships through the example of Kane. Beautiful! In the early stages of his life, Kane is portrayed as an idealist, as he describes himself as a “champion of the people’s rights” in his “Declaration of Principles”. Technique? This is retell. Yet Welles undermines Kane’s moral idealism by chiaroscuro lighting which places him in the shadow and Leland as his moral foil, in the light, and foreshadows his later corruption. Thus showing the audience ??? about the desire of humanity for wealth. His initial morality is juxtaposed against his later corruption when Leland returns the “Principles” after Kane fires him. See how this is just plot description? I know this is tempting, but it doesn't assist your analysis, and for an essay over 1000 words you want to cut as much excess as possible! Kane’s casual tone and simplistic costuming as he calls it an “antique” and rips it to pieces suggest a nonchalance towards moral virtue and serve to show the change in Kane’s priorities arisen from the acquisition of power. In fact, by his own admission, all Kane ever used his money for was “to buy things”. Retell. Welles frames Kane centrally against giant windows to emphasise his preoccupation with his own possessions in contrast to supporting the “underprivileged”. Thus showing the audience ??? about your concept. His legacy is depicted in the final scene of the film, where a panning shot reveals the extent of his belongings and highlights the transformation of his priorities. Thus by examining the final scene in relation to the film as a whole, responders can observe the film’s textual integrity. I don't know the film so I'm not sure if you brought it in earlier without me seeing, but you definitely will need to integrate the final scene more than just a single sentence at the end. It should take up nearly as much, or even as much or more, than the analysis of the remainder of the film. You haven't enforced the textual integrity aspect of your conclusion, due to the high frequency of textual retell.
Welles further suggests the transformation of an individual’s character by examining the disintegration of relationships. At the beginning of the film, the intimacy of Kane’s relationship with Susan is revealed in repeated close-up shot-reverse-shots as both characters seek to avoid the “loneliness” which forms the basis of their friendship. Yet after her singing debut, Kane’s desire for power over her causes him to force her to sing operas, despite her vocal desire to stop. This sentence is retell. Welles frames Susan in a high-angle shot as Kane’s shadow falls over her to show her vulnerability and reflect his self-importance. Thus showing the audience ??? Welles further suggests Susan’s entrapment in her depiction against a backdrop of statues whilst solving jigsaw puzzles. Retell. The unity of physical and figurative structures in the statues, which represent his wealth, status and domineering presence, and jigsaw puzzles which symbolise places visible but unreachable, allow the audience to observe Kane’s ignorance of Susan’s desires. Thus showing them ??? about your concept. Welles depicts the finality of the breakdown of their relationship the final scene where a journalist ironically notes there are “lots of jigsaws”, whilst the audience is privy there is no-one to do them. Technique? This would be dramatic irony based on your description. By representing Kane as metonymic of humanity, Welles invites responders to observe the threat of the corruptive nature of power on an individual’s wellbeing. Again, you've not backed up your argument here, you are describing the text using techniques but not linking it to what the audience learns about your concept. We haven't learnt how the text informs us about the corruptive nature of power.
“Citizen Kane” examines the notion of identity through an examination of an individual’s view of their own sense-of-self, and the difficulty in gaining an accurate understanding of an individual because of differing views on individual’s actions. Your topic sentences are very nice! The defining moment of Kane’s identity is in the signing away scene, told through Thatcher’s memoirs. Retell. Welles portrays Kane through the rigid structure of a window to signify his helplessness, and uses deep-focus photography to allow the audience to resonate with his subsequent desire for stable relationships and innocence. Thus showing them ?? about the notion of identity. His abandonment also catalyses his obsession with the snow-globe. Retell. The figurative effect of its glass represents the symbolic purity of Kane’s childhood, but also demonstrates his inability to access this part of himself, contributing to his fractured identity. Thus showing the audience _____. You need to make this final step to what the audience takes away from the text, completely separate to the text itself. So what if we notice Kane's fractured identity, what does this teach us? Welles further reveals Kane’s complex character in mis-en-abyme, where Kane’s many mirror reflections demonstrate the numerous aspects of an individual’s identity and the difficulty in distinguishing the truth about oneself. This is better! I'd add the technique of symbolism here though, might work a little better! Welles depicts the finality of this idea in Thompson’s aphorism “I don’t think any word can explain a man’s life”, where Thompson’s centrality within the frame suggests the significance of the complexity of identity to an understanding of the whole film. These last two sentences were more like what you need! Thus by synthesising stylistic and thematic concerns with regard to identity, Welles allows responders to reflect on Kane’s character as a broader symbol of their own. This paragraph was better than the others, you made steps to link to audience understanding and you had less retell, better!
Welles also explores the difficulty for others to truly understand an individual due to conflicting perspectives on their identity. Nice. Welles utilises the journalist Thompson as a cipher for the audience as he investigates the meaning of “Rosebud”, yet after his entire search he yields “I didn’t find out much”. His shadowed figure combined with a zoom-out demonstrates the hiddenness of objective truth to responders. Good! The interviews of Thompson are revealed in non-linear flashbacks, which create a fragmented narrative structure and offer conflicting recollections of who Kane was, denying the audience of an objective truth of Kane’s identity. Thus showing us ____ about conflicting perspectives. The disparity between perspectives on Kane’s identity is further revealed in the “News on the March” newsreel, where Kane is labelled both a Communist and Fascist in short succession. The incongruent and conflicting characterisation of Kane again serves to demonstrate the difficulty in searching for objective truth. Through an examination of the dichotomy between Kane’s view of and others’ conflicting perspectives on his identity, responders are challenged to be more understanding of those around them.
Perhaps one of the most important factors of “Citizen Kane” in allowing responders to be engaged and enlightened by the film is its openness to interpretation. Cinematographer Greg Toland’s extensive use of long takes allow the audience to become “active viewers” and allows for greater complexity of characterisation. Welles not only uses cinematic techniques, but symbolic devices to allow for the synthesis of construct and meaning to create unity. “Rosebud” serves as the chief driver of the film’s action, yet offers no concrete ‘revelation’ at the end of the film. Thus modern audiences are able to reconcile their personal context with an understanding of the importance of Rosebud and the broader meaning of the film. This means that each reading of the film is distinct and has personal meaning for every responder, which can be taken from the cinema and applied to their lives. The length of this last paragraph makes it feel out of place, you may want to look at integrating these ideas elsewhere.
Thus by examining “Citizen Kane”, insights into the corruptive nature of power and its consequences for individuals’ moral priorities and relationships, and the complexity of an individual’s identity and the difficulty in understanding humanity are attained. By synthesising the meaning of the final scene with the broader meaning of the film, Welles allows responders to gain an appreciation of the film’s textual integrity.
The big improvements I'm noticing in this version are a greater emphasis on Welles as the composer of the film, and the techniques as utilised by him. Further, your topic sentences have become abstracted from the text, your conceptual focus now stands by itself much more effectively, so well done on implementing changes to make those improvements! It makes a big difference!
The big improvement I can recommend your response is still textual retell. There remains sections dominated by what happened in the text, with or without techniques this is unnecessary. You MUST focus on analysis and how techniques give meaning to the concept, this is something you did better towards the end. In conjunction, I'm noticing that often you show how the concept is evident in your example/technique (good job), but you are missing your final step; Linking to what the audience therefore takes away from the text. Yes, we notice Kane's fractured identity through Welles technique, but what does this SHOW US about the nature of the individual identity?
This version is definitely an improvement, so well done!! Keep working on eliminating retell and improving the quality of your analysis ;D ;D ;D I hope this helps!!
PS - I totally put question marks in your response and it turns out it was the shortcut for this emoji: ??? , aha sorry!
Thanks Jamon!
I've really tried to eliminate this whole textual retell from my thing. My task is on Tuesday so it's too late for any more feedback, so thanks for all the tips :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2016, 08:44:56 pm
Thanks Jamon!
I've really tried to eliminate this whole textual retell from my thing. My task is on Tuesday so it's too late for any more feedback, so thanks for all the tips :)
If you can manage it, you'll have an AWESOME response for your task ;D no problem, good luck!!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 29, 2016, 11:51:01 pm
Hey another world! Elyse has been looking at your piece and should have some feedback for you by the end of the night! Just so you know you haven't been forgotten before the essays below you ;D
thanks for the heads up ;)
I was getting kind of worried XDD
Post by: nay103 on May 30, 2016, 06:47:02 am
Thanks!
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 30, 2016, 08:40:44 am
Thank you for your patience. It is my fault for not correctly specifying that it is not a speech. :-[ It is greatly appreciated because this particular task is quite confusing to do ;)
I rewrote my essay ... again
Do you think it fulfills the criteria better this time?
My teacher said that 'You are not writing an academic essay, but an opinion piece so it needs to be more upbeat and contain lots of persuasive devices'. But i'm not sure if I have included persuasive devices or how to include more without making the paragraphs too chunky.
My teacher also told me to look at this opinion pieces. So I assume she wants my essay like that?
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/06/01/does-great-literature-make-us-better/
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/23/opinion/blow-reading-books-is-fundamental.html?_r=0
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/may/13/books-ebook-publishers-paper
Hi there! I'm so sorry for the late reply. I left it until last night and then my internet was doing all kinds of funny things. I have just realised now it didn't post. Luckily, I saved my response! Here it is:
Your teacher has set your some really interesting opinion pieces. I actually really enjoyed reading, "Does Great Literature Make Us Better?" I can see that your teacher certainly wants you to use the first person voice in a very personal way, which you are doing, so I think you're spot on the money there! It's unlikely that a HSC assessment will ask for such an intensely personal voice, which is why I wanted to be super sure that this is what your teacher wanted. But, it seems like you're on the money!
Here is your essay:
Spoiler
Mao’s Last dancer, by Li Cunxin, is an inspirational autobiography that delves into the harsh life experiences and lessons he learned living in Mao’s Communist China. Love this subtle placement of context. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons can only be truly appreciated by a contemporary reader with context. A testament to this notion is in how my own understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. To further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams and his love towards family relations under the reign of Mao Zedong, it required me research I researched Cunxin’s context and in Mao’s Communist China. My own personal context further influenced my interpretation of this autobiography and its relation to me.
Seriously great introduction. You've done an awesome job here!
Understanding historical context has allowed me better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China. It allows us to understand questions, " Why were particular events emphasised?" "What is the significance of these events?" Collective knowledge of context accentuates depth and meaning to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ amidst the peak of the cultural Revolution in 1966. The importance of the allusion, "there was an unstoppable political heat wave sweeping through China. Emotions ran high and wild " is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. Awesome! It was a period of chaos. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong feared losing power and control and began the cultural revolution in an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government as ‘the country teetered on the edge of civil war’. The imagery of counter-revolutionaries condemned and accused publicly as ‘capitalist filth’ harbouring ‘evil landlord-like attitudes’ enables us to visualise ‘young Red Guards’ as Mao’s personal army of loyal minions. The frightening repetition of ‘revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao! emphasised Mao’s desire for power and unravelled his hidden agenda as ‘‘Guns fired. The bodies fell down’. The Cultural Revolution was not just to eradicate counter-revolunaties. It was an evident political movement to reinstate his own power. It is undeniable that without knowledge of Communist China I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event contextually.
I'm so happy for you! You've worked so hard to get to the point where your writing is "evidence-based" according to the criteria, and you've done it so so well here.
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand how powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience can be used to realise one’s dreams. Perfect mix of opinion, context and text here!" The significance of the metaphor, "I wanted to fly like the beautiful birds and dragonflies," is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. You've used the "recognised most vividly when the context is considered..." already in the above paragraph. Try change it up a bit for the purpose of sounding consistently original. He was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. But he was given a privilege others yearned for influencing his motivation in his pursuit of excellence in ballet ‘This was how I could make not only make my parents but also the whole of China proud’. Cunxin practised wherever he could he ‘practised leaps covering every inch of whichever studio was vacant’ and‘ Strapped sandbags’ to his ankles. Cunxin even symbolically wrote ‘fly’ on his ballet shoes’ leaping high into the air.
But his determination does not stop there. He practised ‘night after night, relentlessly. By the end of the term I had left shallow indentations in the studio floor where I had endlessly, repeatedly turned’. Contextual knowledge has enabled us to understand that his prominence on the international ballet stage was the fruit born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline. Mao's Last Dancer has greatly influenced me to now appreciate the value of opportunities and not to waste them. Contextual knowledge has accentuated my reading of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and has prompted me toinspire aspire to be like Li Cunxin. I'm interested in what ways specifically has Li Cunxin got something to offer to a modern audience? Perhaps at this point, draw back and talk about what modern readers should take away from the text, what are the values that transcend context? This is just a suggestion, not a necessity.
My own personal context resonated deeply with the contextual knowledge of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. I too was born to a Chinese family; allowing me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honesty and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to my own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother’s first hand hand recounts of her experiences whilst living in Mao’s Communist China accentuated my appreciation and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ on a personal level, undeniably shaping how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' andaccentuated (just a little picky thing - we've already used the word accentuated in this sentence. Try to vary it up so that your sentence runs smoothly and doesn't jar.) my appreciation of my family.
Context is imperative to understanding, it changes our perspectives and understanding to literature significantly.This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communist China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without appreciating/knowing/understanding/accepting context, it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography. I mentioned above that you could talk about what a modern audience could take away from this. If you wish to do that, you could mention it again here.
Seriously great introduction. You've done an awesome job here!
Understanding historical context has allowed me better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China. It allows us to understand questions, " Why were particular events emphasised?" "What is the significance of these events?" Collective knowledge of context accentuates depth and meaning to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ amidst the peak of the cultural Revolution in 1966. The importance of the allusion, "there was an unstoppable political heat wave sweeping through China. Emotions ran high and wild " is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. Awesome! It was a period of chaos. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong feared losing power and control and began the cultural revolution in an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government as ‘the country teetered on the edge of civil war’. The imagery of counter-revolutionaries condemned and accused publicly as ‘capitalist filth’ harbouring ‘evil landlord-like attitudes’ enables us to visualise ‘young Red Guards’ as Mao’s personal army of loyal minions. The frightening repetition of ‘revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao! emphasised Mao’s desire for power and unravelled his hidden agenda as ‘‘Guns fired. The bodies fell down’. The Cultural Revolution was not just to eradicate counter-revolunaties. It was an evident political movement to reinstate his own power. It is undeniable that without knowledge of Communist China I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event contextually.
I'm so happy for you! You've worked so hard to get to the point where your writing is "evidence-based" according to the criteria, and you've done it so so well here.
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand how powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience can be used to realise one’s dreams. Perfect mix of opinion, context and text here!" The significance of the metaphor, "I wanted to fly like the beautiful birds and dragonflies," is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. You've used the "recognised most vividly when the context is considered..." already in the above paragraph. Try change it up a bit for the purpose of sounding consistently original. He was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. But he was given a privilege others yearned for influencing his motivation in his pursuit of excellence in ballet ‘This was how I could make not only make my parents but also the whole of China proud’. Cunxin practised wherever he could he ‘practised leaps covering every inch of whichever studio was vacant’ and‘ Strapped sandbags’ to his ankles. Cunxin even symbolically wrote ‘fly’ on his ballet shoes’ leaping high into the air.
But his determination does not stop there. He practised ‘night after night, relentlessly. By the end of the term I had left shallow indentations in the studio floor where I had endlessly, repeatedly turned’. Contextual knowledge has enabled us to understand that his prominence on the international ballet stage was the fruit born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline. Mao's Last Dancer has greatly influenced me to now appreciate the value of opportunities and not to waste them. Contextual knowledge has accentuated my reading of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and has prompted me to
My own personal context resonated deeply with the contextual knowledge of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. I too was born to a Chinese family; allowing me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honesty and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to my own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother’s first hand hand recounts of her experiences whilst living in Mao’s Communist China accentuated my appreciation and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ on a personal level, undeniably shaping how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' and
Context is imperative to understanding, it changes our perspectives and understanding to literature significantly.This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communist China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without appreciating/knowing/understanding/accepting context, it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography. I mentioned above that you could talk about what a modern audience could take away from this. If you wish to do that, you could mention it again here.
Anotherworld2b, this is wonderful! I think you should look at your very first draft of this (if you don't have it saved, you can see it on the forum) and look at it now. I think you'll be so proud of your patience and persistence in editing the piece to where it is now.
I haven't encountered a task like yours before, so I hope that everything I have advised is correct and true. Your work is very impressive! You've got a really great balance between personal voice, context, and text. You've really stepped up with the argument based approach that I think adds a lot more depth to your essay.
If you have the time, please check that your teacher wants you to analyse the techniques in the text to some degree. You have done this really well, but the criteria is unclear about how much it wants it, and the task question isn't specific. Nonetheless, I think you've got the balance just right.
You've done a great job! Please let me know if you have any questions.
Because I've never written or marked an opinion piece like this before, I want to declare that I'm not fully qualified to give you a mark. But I'm going to go through the criteria and how I've perceived it.
Engages in depth with all aspects of the question by using appropriate form, content, style and tone to fulfil purpose, audience and context. 3/3
Presents a fluent response with capable control on choice of vocabulary and stylistic devices such as figures of speech and allusions to enhance meaning. 5/7. I mentioned a few small syntax and grammatical things to work with. I also added commas, in bold font, throughout. So keep a close eye out for them.
Uses evidence-based argument with a coherent structure that introduces, organises and concludes the opinion piece. 3/3
Analyse how contextual factors can influence understanding of a text 7/7
Please, reach out if something doesn't quite make sense. You've done an excellent job. I hope that you achieve all of the marks that you deserve!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 30, 2016, 09:13:45 am
Hi there! I'm so sorry for the late reply. I left it until last night and then my internet was doing all kinds of funny things. I have just realised now it didn't post. Luckily, I saved my response! Here it is:
Your teacher has set your some really interesting opinion pieces. I actually really enjoyed reading, "Does Great Literature Make Us Better?" I can see that your teacher certainly wants you to use the first person voice in a very personal way, which you are doing, so I think you're spot on the money there! It's unlikely that a HSC assessment will ask for such an intensely personal voice, which is why I wanted to be super sure that this is what your teacher wanted. But, it seems like you're on the money!
Here is your essay:SpoilerMao’s Last dancer, by Li Cunxin, is an inspirational autobiography that delves into the harsh life experiences and lessons he learned living in Mao’s Communist China. Love this subtle placement of context. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons can only be truly appreciated by a contemporary reader with context. A testament to this notion is in how my own understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. To further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams and his love towards family relations under the reign of Mao Zedong,it required me researchI researched Cunxin’s contextandin Mao’s Communist China. My own personal context further influenced my interpretation of this autobiography and its relation to me.
Seriously great introduction. You've done an awesome job here!
Understanding historical context has allowed me better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China. It allows us to understand questions, " Why were particular events emphasised?" "What is the significance of these events?" Collective knowledge of context accentuates depth and meaning to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ amidst the peak of the cultural Revolution in 1966. The importance of the allusion, "there was an unstoppable political heat wave sweeping through China. Emotions ran high and wild " is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. Awesome! It was a period of chaos. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong feared losing power and control and began the cultural revolution in an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government as ‘the country teetered on the edge of civil war’. The imagery of counter-revolutionaries condemned and accused publicly as ‘capitalist filth’ harbouring ‘evil landlord-like attitudes’ enables us to visualise ‘young Red Guards’ as Mao’s personal army of loyal minions. The frightening repetition of ‘revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao! emphasised Mao’s desire for power and unravelled his hidden agenda as ‘‘Guns fired. The bodies fell down’. The Cultural Revolution was not just to eradicate counter-revolunaties. It was an evident political movement to reinstate his own power. It is undeniable that without knowledge of Communist China I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event contextually.
I'm so happy for you! You've worked so hard to get to the point where your writing is "evidence-based" according to the criteria, and you've done it so so well here.
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand how powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience can be used to realise one’s dreams. Perfect mix of opinion, context and text here!" The significance of the metaphor, "I wanted to fly like the beautiful birds and dragonflies," is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. You've used the "recognised most vividly when the context is considered..." already in the above paragraph. Try change it up a bit for the purpose of sounding consistently original. He was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. But he was given a privilege others yearned for influencing his motivation in his pursuit of excellence in ballet ‘This was how I could make not only make my parents but also the whole of China proud’. Cunxin practised wherever he could he ‘practised leaps covering every inch of whichever studio was vacant’ and‘ Strapped sandbags’ to his ankles. Cunxin even symbolically wrote ‘fly’ on his ballet shoes’ leaping high into the air.
But his determination does not stop there. He practised ‘night after night, relentlessly. By the end of the term I had left shallow indentations in the studio floor where I had endlessly, repeatedly turned’. Contextual knowledge has enabled us to understand that his prominence on the international ballet stage was the fruit born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline. Mao's Last Dancer has greatly influenced me to now appreciate the value of opportunities and not to waste them. Contextual knowledge has accentuated my reading of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and has prompted me toinspireaspire to be like Li Cunxin. I'm interested in what ways specifically has Li Cunxin got something to offer to a modern audience? Perhaps at this point, draw back and talk about what modern readers should take away from the text, what are the values that transcend context? This is just a suggestion, not a necessity.
My own personal context resonated deeply with the contextual knowledge of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. I too was born to a Chinese family; allowing me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honesty and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to my own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother’s first hand hand recounts of her experiences whilst living in Mao’s Communist China accentuated my appreciation and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ on a personal level, undeniably shaping how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' andaccentuated(just a little picky thing - we've already used the word accentuated in this sentence. Try to vary it up so that your sentence runs smoothly and doesn't jar.) my appreciation of my family.
Context is imperative to understanding, it changes our perspectives and understanding to literature significantly.This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communist China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without appreciating/knowing/understanding/accepting context, it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography. I mentioned above that you could talk about what a modern audience could take away from this. If you wish to do that, you could mention it again here.
Anotherworld2b, this is wonderful! I think you should look at your very first draft of this (if you don't have it saved, you can see it on the forum) and look at it now. I think you'll be so proud of your patience and persistence in editing the piece to where it is now.
I haven't encountered a task like yours before, so I hope that everything I have advised is correct and true. Your work is very impressive! You've got a really great balance between personal voice, context, and text. You've really stepped up with the argument based approach that I think adds a lot more depth to your essay.
If you have the time, please check that your teacher wants you to analyse the techniques in the text to some degree. You have done this really well, but the criteria is unclear about how much it wants it, and the task question isn't specific. Nonetheless, I think you've got the balance just right.
You've done a great job! Please let me know if you have any questions.
Because I've never written or marked an opinion piece like this before, I want to declare that I'm not fully qualified to give you a mark. But I'm going to go through the criteria and how I've perceived it.
Engages in depth with all aspects of the question by using appropriate form, content, style and tone to fulfil purpose, audience and context. 3/3
Presents a fluent response with capable control on choice of vocabulary and stylistic devices such as figures of speech and allusions to enhance meaning. 5/7. I mentioned a few small syntax and grammatical things to work with. I also added commas, in bold font, throughout. So keep a close eye out for them.
Uses evidence-based argument with a coherent structure that introduces, organises and concludes the opinion piece. 3/3
Analyse how contextual factors can influence understanding of a text 7/7
Please, reach out if something doesn't quite make sense. You've done an excellent job. I hope that you achieve all of the marks that you deserve!
Thank you so much for your patience for reading and giving feedback for my essay
I would have never been able to have done this essay without your help :'( :'(
I really hope I've approached this task correctly. I'm going to show her later today *determination* ;)
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 30, 2016, 09:15:24 am
my ideas become weaker and less justified towards the end of the essay, so any tips/guidance on how to sustain it throughout will be greatly appreciated :)
Hi there!
I just want to quickly let you know that I've never read either of these texts (Trust me, Brave New World is definitely on my list!) and in Module C I studied People and Landscapes, not People and Politics. With this in mind, hopefully I can give you some helpful tips! :)
I also want you to be aware that your essay is very long. In an exam, you probably wouldn't have the time to dedicate this many words to Module C. If this is an assignment with a high word limit, then no biggie! :)
Your essay is in the spoiler here, with my comments written in bold throughout :)
Spoiler
Question: “Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse for the absolute truth”
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.
Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. Awesome! The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this quote This isn't a major thing by any means, but using the word "quote" in an essay isn't always the best option. My top suggestion to replace it in this instance is notion. This is totally up to you and definitely not a big deal, it is just a small word play thing ) becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. Both these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between. To make this introduction stronger, I recommend taking out the text summary (or, at least some of it, to make room for the coming suggestion) so that you can talk specifically about the "truths" that are warped and presented in the text. So, perhaps you want to talk about political, social, mental, or musical truths. If you specifically mention one or two that you will tease out later on, you are giving your marker a better idea of what to expect, more than just a snippet of a text summary would. Does this make sense at all? It's a way of elevating your introduction from "here is a quick summary of the text" to "here is a quick and succinct summary of my essay, stay tuned!"
Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants, “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to. This is a really strong paragraph! I really don't have any suggestions here just yet. Your sentences are packed with a lot of important detail! Except, I want to draw your attention to the fact that you've only said the word "truth/truthful" three times. Once at the beginning, and twice at the end. I think you'll benefit from tying in the middle section to the essay question, or at least by linking it to the idea of truth. i think this will improve the way that your argument reads.
A very similar idea is parodied Love this word!!in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots”. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. This is a really good flick between the texts! The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’.
Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. I'm consistently impressed by the strength of your topic sentences. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity. This paragraph is really great - except that it implicitly deals with the question rather than explicitly. We use the word truth, a key word in the question, only once in this paragraph. I think your argument will remain strong at this point if you can go back through this paragraph and weave the question through explicitly. Your analysis is still there, but I think it appears weaker because of the lack of reference to the essay question.
The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient display of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity. Similar to the above comment, this paragraph seems slightly pointless because it doesn't deal with the question. To me, it isn't pointless because I see the cross-text referencing at play here. However, it is important that you give it purpose that is instantly recognised by linking it to the question.
John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the World State. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””. In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds.
John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity, and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.
I haven't commented on the last few paragraphs because I have the same piece of advice for all. I can see what you mean when you feel that your argument fades away towards the event. I think the reason is that you are making less and less explicit dealings with the question. Your introduction is wonderful for the way that it deals with the question, but it doesn't persist later on throughout the essay, particularly in these last paragraphs. Who is experiencing? Who is perceiving things as true when they are actually untrue and controlled by experience and bias? Referencing the initial quotation more would strengthen the essay in a way that you have one single spine weaved through the essay, and the spine is that quotation. Don't get me wrong, I know you are dealing with the question, but it isn't in an explicit way, which is important for elevating the essay to sophistication.
Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. The conclusion here is quite brief. If you take some ideas from your introduction, you'll be able to lengthen this. Most importantly, if you take ideas from the quotation and essay question set from you, you have the opportunity to draw it all together here really explicitly.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.
Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. Awesome! The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this quote This isn't a major thing by any means, but using the word "quote" in an essay isn't always the best option. My top suggestion to replace it in this instance is notion. This is totally up to you and definitely not a big deal, it is just a small word play thing ) becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. Both these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between. To make this introduction stronger, I recommend taking out the text summary (or, at least some of it, to make room for the coming suggestion) so that you can talk specifically about the "truths" that are warped and presented in the text. So, perhaps you want to talk about political, social, mental, or musical truths. If you specifically mention one or two that you will tease out later on, you are giving your marker a better idea of what to expect, more than just a snippet of a text summary would. Does this make sense at all? It's a way of elevating your introduction from "here is a quick summary of the text" to "here is a quick and succinct summary of my essay, stay tuned!"
Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants, “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to. This is a really strong paragraph! I really don't have any suggestions here just yet. Your sentences are packed with a lot of important detail! Except, I want to draw your attention to the fact that you've only said the word "truth/truthful" three times. Once at the beginning, and twice at the end. I think you'll benefit from tying in the middle section to the essay question, or at least by linking it to the idea of truth. i think this will improve the way that your argument reads.
A very similar idea is parodied Love this word!!in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots”. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. This is a really good flick between the texts! The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’.
Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. I'm consistently impressed by the strength of your topic sentences. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity. This paragraph is really great - except that it implicitly deals with the question rather than explicitly. We use the word truth, a key word in the question, only once in this paragraph. I think your argument will remain strong at this point if you can go back through this paragraph and weave the question through explicitly. Your analysis is still there, but I think it appears weaker because of the lack of reference to the essay question.
The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient display of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity. Similar to the above comment, this paragraph seems slightly pointless because it doesn't deal with the question. To me, it isn't pointless because I see the cross-text referencing at play here. However, it is important that you give it purpose that is instantly recognised by linking it to the question.
John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the World State. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””. In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds.
John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity, and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.
I haven't commented on the last few paragraphs because I have the same piece of advice for all. I can see what you mean when you feel that your argument fades away towards the event. I think the reason is that you are making less and less explicit dealings with the question. Your introduction is wonderful for the way that it deals with the question, but it doesn't persist later on throughout the essay, particularly in these last paragraphs. Who is experiencing? Who is perceiving things as true when they are actually untrue and controlled by experience and bias? Referencing the initial quotation more would strengthen the essay in a way that you have one single spine weaved through the essay, and the spine is that quotation. Don't get me wrong, I know you are dealing with the question, but it isn't in an explicit way, which is important for elevating the essay to sophistication.
Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. The conclusion here is quite brief. If you take some ideas from your introduction, you'll be able to lengthen this. Most importantly, if you take ideas from the quotation and essay question set from you, you have the opportunity to draw it all together here really explicitly.
I don't underestimate your knowledge of the texts for a second! You have a really good analytical grasp on it all! I'm really impressed. The reason that your essay seems as though it is dropping sophistication towards the end is because the essay question and set quotation isn't holding it all together. By going through and linking every single point to the question, you'll have a far stronger essay. Your introduction and conclusion are excellent places for you to really flesh out the essay question to ground your essay in a coherent idea. In your introduction, you have room to take away summary and introduce the essay's angle.
I hope this makes sense. There's no tiny little picky things to work on, instead it is just a structural thing. When the structure is strong, you'll find that the essay will be far stronger and it will appear to be more sophisticated!
Please post back if something I've said doesn't make sense! You should be really proud of your analysis :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 30, 2016, 10:19:23 am
Thank you so much for your patience for reading and giving feedback for my essay
I would have never been able to have done this essay without your help :'( :'(
I really hope I've approached this task correctly. I'm going to show her later today *determination* ;)
So happy for you! You'll do great things :)
Let me know how it goes!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 30, 2016, 11:47:17 am
I have a paragraph from my friend if thats okay.. same question as my previous posts on brave new world
Hey hey, no problem at all! But tell them to hurry up and get an account, pretty soon everyone without an ATAR Notes account will be uncool ;)
Comments throughout in bold as usual ;D
Spoiler
Society is based on a distinctive hierarchical system, whereby those who possess power have both the incentive and the ability to fabricate and articulate their own machinations to benefit their own political, cultural, and social ideals. Awesome conceptual statement here to start, fabulous! Perhaps the most overarching theme present within Brave New World is that of the ideology of social stability, which can be attained though overwhelming control and ‘blissful ignorance’ of humans. Excellent link to text. One of the most prominent aspects of the novel is introduced and presented in Chapter 1 through the implementation of the caste system, in which all ‘civilised peoples’ are categorised into either alphas, betas, gammas, deltas or epsilons, based on their intellectual capacity. Castes are determined prior to fertilisation, after which the Gamma, Delta and Epsilon ova undergo Bokanovsky’s Process, where one fertilised egg essentially produces up to ninety-six identical twins. This section is retelling aspects of the story. This won't earn you marks. You must focus on how technique creates meaning! The irony of this process is evident in the insidious nature of the power of individuals and the ‘community’, in constructing and dictating the intellectual and social classes of the world in which they live. The methodic notion of bokanovskification in being one of the ‘major instruments of social stability’, emphasises the extremes to which the World State will go to, to preserve stability. The idealism of a world in which all facets are controlled, allows leaders (World Controllers) to mould society to accept the ‘truth’ of their actions, manipulating them to disregard the moral implications, indicative of the dehumanised state of citizens of the World State. I really love the concepts you are drawing out here, but it is much too plot focused. I haven't seen a technique yet! Remember, you are evaluating Huxley's representation of the themes within his novel, therefore, you are judging his use of technique. Early within the novel, readers are made aware of the World State’s Motto; Community, Identity, Stability.’ This ideology emphasises the need for conformity in social, political and personal matters, effectively revoking any means of individuality or identity through measures based on control in all aspects of ones life, thus creating a paradoxical and satirical effect. All you'd need here, for example, is the technique of either a 'motif' or 'repetition.' Conditioning and prenatal treatment creates individuals without individuality, each one being programmed to behave exactly like the next. This allows for social stability, as well as economic productivity, providing the platform for an obedient society formed on the basis of ‘infantile behaviour.’ The audience becomes aware that in the pursuit of success in creating clones of humanity that will become obedient and submissive is made the central goal, as opposed to individualism. But HOW does Huxley achieve this? What literary techniques does he employ? Ultimately, society is determined by the government, in order to ensure people discover and ‘like their unescapable social destiny.’ This idea is further explored through the way in which the plot device of the student tour, alludes to the power the DHC has in society, highlighted by the idiom ‘straight out of the horses mouth’; that is from someone who holds authoritative power. Okay, now we are tying in techniques, better! As Huxley intended to impose a mixture of utopian and anti-utopian concepts, the text is ultimately established as that of a satirical nature, reflective of Huxley’s social criticism and as such, raises significant concerns based on his contextual surroundings in correlation with the society he lives in and projects the consequences on the future. Nice links to context, if you can blend this with some analysis of technique it would be very powerful. This use of hyperbolic expressions of life without morals reflect both angst and dismay on the way in which community only exists when individuals subscribe to the values of their respective social classes, adhering to the role and expectations assigned to them. In addition, this idea concerning the nature of family and natural conception, the World State has represented this notion to be considered ‘viviparous’ to citizens, highlighting how society has succeeded in replacing nature and making humans ‘robotic’. The powerful use of technology is shown in the comparative make-up between the production of humans in the hatchery and the production of consumer goods in an assembly line, corresponding with the domino effect of the industrial revolution in the time of Huxley. The conditioning that takes place within Brave New World influences the individual through their life. Since values can be taught, the values established by the World state are impressed upon the children, often taught as slogans, which become ‘the absolute truth’ , never being questioned. Again, very easy to include techniques here, you definitely don't need this immense level of retell. The audience sees the extent to which the World State has successfully bestowed their influence of political ideology upon the citizens through the characterisation of Lenina and Henry Foster, two characters who represent the epitome of what the World State intended to create. In their willingness to conform, readers are able to understand how, through the work of men in the Hatchery during infancy, stability is ultimately achieved. This is better! I'd like to see a textual example though, how are they characterised? PS - Is this meant to be a conclusive sentence? This is a really long paragraph. The corresponding ideas of men in power who control all through conformity to bring about stability is evident in ‘I met the Walrus.’ However, juxtaposing the compliance of citizens in the World State who lack the ability to question the values of the World State, John Lennon’s objective is evidently to break the chain of control those in power have over people who often partake in actions that only benefit their ‘point of view’. In conjunction with the visual continuum of the animation, John Lennon argues his ideals of ‘promoting peace, [and] do[ing] everything for peace’ based on ‘his own point of view’, using a convincing, determined tone to quickly disregard and oppose the view points of the government and their take on the ‘militant revolution.’ Lennon utilises allusion to other revolutions as a means to develop his viewpoint, referring to revolutions in ‘Russia, France, anywhere they’re at it’, illustrating how the outcome of violence never turns ‘out to be what it promised’. You are integrating techniques for your ORT MUCH more effectively than for your core text, this is great! Lennon discusses the way in the control of the government has the potential to ‘abuse’ people, because when they break things down, ‘they build it up again and the people bring it up, hang on to it and then they become the establishment.’ This directly relates to the caste system of Brave New World as each caste strengthens the establishment of the World State, because they are conditioned in this way to perform their job, as ‘everyone works for everyone else. Excellent link between the two texts, well done. Missing a conclusive sentence?
My very first comment would be that, if this is meant to be a single paragraph, it is far too long. Roughly 1000 words is longer than some of my entire essays during the HSC, it definitely needs to be separated into more succinct groupings of ideas. If this is actually meant to be two or three paragraphs, ignore me ;)
The sophistication of expression here is fabulous, and your conceptual drive is extremely powerful. The conceptual statement at the start is extremely impressive, and indeed, your discussion of the concepts in the text is fantastic as well. However, your analysis is what needs improvement. I only spotted a couple of techniques for BNW (not enough for the length of that piece of writing); but you actually did it well for your ORT!
Remember, the purpose of this module is to examine the link between an idea, and how a composer represents that idea through technique. The composer uses technique to communicate their "truth," their contextual views, by representing the ideas in their texts in specific ways. You must focus on how Huxley uses TECHNIQUE to craft a text which communicates ideas to his audience. I've read the text, and Huxley makes extensive use of imagery, symbolism, inter-textual allusion and several key motifs to manufacture a world space which is dehumanising to its inhabitants. In representing this didactic world (through technique), Huxley communicates the contextual fears of the early 20th century, a time period where genetic modification and technological advancement was just beginning to emerge as a reality. Your job is to judge HOW WELL Huxley uses technique to communicate these ideas.
Right now, you are essentially retelling plot details from the text, and explaining how your concept is evident in those examples. This is not enough. You must focus on representation and technique, constantly referring to Huxley's choices as a composer. Remember, go to TEA (TECHNIQUE-EXPLAIN-AUDIECE):
- Technique and Quote
- Explain what concept Huxley is exploring (with links to context
- Acknowledge the impact on the audience, what do we learn from this example about the concept?
This is really the only thing I can see for improvement. Ideas are fantastic. Expression is stellar. It is just the quality of your analysis that needs fixing up, and you'll have a great essay!! ;D great work mysterious friend!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 30, 2016, 04:03:29 pm
My teacher said my essay was fine. (I just needed to somehow engage the audience in a general manner)
But I'm not sure how... I've tried using a rhetorical question but I'm not sure if it is effective...
I am kind of confused on how to talk about what a modern audience can take from this essay. i've tried to include this aspect but
I'm not sure if it is what you meant
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 30, 2016, 05:46:43 pm
Hi! Would be greatly appreciated if you could look over my Mod A Essay.
Thanks!
Hey nay! No problem, I've attached your essay with feedback throughout written in bold!
Spoiler
The values we find in texts are as much the result of differences in textual form as they are the result of differing contexts.
As contexts change, the representation and relevance of values are also transformed. While certain aspects of textual form may affect the representation of or accentuate certain values, the values that are depicted are not a result of differences in textual form but of differing contexts. This opening works well, but I think you can go a little more in depth: Why is it that the exploration of values is reflective of context? This will allow you to link to audience. Shakespeare’s play, King Richard III (KRIII) thought to have been written in 1591, and Al Pacino’s indulgent, self-directed “docu-drama type thing”, Looking For Richard (LFR) (1996), demonstrate this notion by revealing the way beliefs in religion and determinism have affected values evolved through effective use of their textual form. Good introduction of texts, though 'evolved' may not be the best word choice there. Perhaps look at going into more detail about the concept of religion you will be exploring. Shakespeare uses the form of his time, the play, to reflect his context as one of extreme devoutness and order, much like the way Pacino uses the most popular medium of his time, film, to create a “Shakespeare about how we think and feel today” while depicting a time where secularism and the equality of individuals were prominent. This is shown through the representation of Richard in each text and the different social hierarchy each text portrays. A solid Thesis to start, I think that you could raise the sophistication a tad (a more unique argument, and tidying up expression), but it works well!
Shakespeare, through making Richard subvert contemporary values, explores determinism, arguing that evil is something innate and permanent. As the play was composed during the reign of Queen Elizabeth, Shakespeare wrote it in accordance with the Tudor myth, emphasising the Christian values of the time. Excellent inclusion of context, can you give an example of how this is evident/relevant in the text? Drawing upon sources such as Thomas Moore’s The History of King Richard III, Shakespeare paints Richard as a monstrous man, emphasising this through his physical - yet not entirely historically correct - deformities. Good, would this be a form of costuming? Trying to come up with the right technique for it. Richard is the perfect Machiavellian villain, abandoning any notion of morality to maximise his personal gain. While deceiving his nephew, Richard says, “(aside to the audience) Thus, like the formal Vice, Iniquity. I moralise two meanings in one word.” He uses the simile of the Vice, the personification of evil, the villain of Renaissance theatre, to express that evil is at his very core. What does this show the audience about the nature of determinism? Shakespeare thus uses the form of his time to involve the audience by having Richard speak directly to them, much like the typical Vice character. The continual insights into Richard’s mind that Shakespeare gives the audience shows Richard is always thinking about how to use others to reach his goals. These soliloquys emphasise Richard has no remorse, no conscience; evil is his intrinsic condition. While the representation of Richard and determinism is affected by textual form, the actual values Shakespeare chooses to depict are due to context. While you are choosing to focus, you still need to have a bit more of technique to sustain your analysis. Right now, you only have 1/1 and a half. How do the techniques Shakespeare used reflect his contextual influences with respect to determinism? How does Shakespeare use technique to craft meaning around determinism that modern audiences can relate to, and thus connect to his context? These are the sorts of things to address to get yourself into the upper range of response.
Pacino takes a more sympathetic approach to Richard, offering the audience a different interpretation of Richard’s character. Different how? Be specific from the get go, even though you elaborate later you still need to give us something in the intro. While not forgiving him completely, Pacino argues Richard was not completely irredeemable due to the increasing acceptance of moral relativism and moral nihilism. Pacino, through clever use of form is able to give the illusion Pacino and Richard are becoming the same person –they are being played by the same actor - appealing to the sympathy of the audience. For example, at the end of the film, Richard’s death is dramatized, as it is accompanied by low requiem singing, which is extremely soft in comparison to the sound of the arrow piercing the King. Try and be a little more succinct in describing the use of techniques. For example, "Richard's death is dramatised by sound mixing, with the accentuated sound of the arrow striking Richard symbolic of ... etc." Richard is hit twice; still alive, struggling for breath, his death is elongated, but then he is finally murdered by Richmond. Unnecessary detail, this is just retelling the text! You are walking a fine line between a very good recount and actual analysis, be careful. The audience almost feels Pacino himself has been killed as he and the character of Richard have grown together throughout the play, further dramatising his death. Be a little more sophisticated here, "almost feels" is low modality language, be sure of your own points! In contrast to Shakespeare’s original, which simply states, “they fight. King Richard III is slain,” Pacino empathises with Richard, showing that each human life, regardless of how corrupt, is valuable. Good conceptual link. While in a Tudor context Richard should die with no honour or dignity, through effective use of form Pacino’s interpretation gives Richard more humanity and illustrates evil not as his defining characteristic but a flaw. I really like the concept you have tried to draw out here, and I love the links you are making between the texts and contexts. I still think you need more techniques to sustain your argument.
Shakespeare’s play also asserts the idea of the great chain of being and an unyielding social structure, a prominent belief of the time, through its structure and form. KRIII has the same four movements as a Senecan tragedy: the introduction (in which Richard explains his plans), the complication (Richard overcoming those who stand between him and the throne), climax (Richard’s coronation) and catastrophe (Richard’s death). Assume the reader knows your text, you do not need to add these details. In the third phase it seems Richard has overcome this hierarchical structure, but this makes Richmond’s ultimate victory even more profound. Retell. By reinforcing the view the Tudors are the rightful heirs of the throne, the form of a Senecan tragedy asserts that the divine right of kings exists. This notion is a providential idea (in accord with Queen Elizabeth’s beliefs), proclaiming that God’s will is evident in all occurrences and has application to social order. Under this belief, many of the audience would have agreed with the structure and form of the play, that Richard III was undeserving of the crown. Good links to context and concept, but again, lacking in textual analysis.
Pacino’s film, however, was created in a more secularised society where belief in God and a rigid social order was not as prominent. As a result of his context, there is a noticeable lack of religious references and an emphasis on democracy and the rights of the individual, opposed to the overbearing confines of social class in Shakespeare’s context. This is most evident when Pacino says, “A person has an opinion. It’s only an opinion. It’s never a question of whether it is right or wrong.” Pacino’s statement is further reinforced when the interviews and vox-pops that are typical of his documentary form are used. He does not state the name of the famous actors or scholars who are on air to bring these people down to the same level as the ‘toothless panhandler’ and random bystanders. Technique? Effect on audience? This is once again heavy with textual retell. Opinions of Shakespeare from the everyday American to the British scholar to the seasoned Shakespearean actor are equal, highlighting the democratic and egalitarian ideals of the time. Pacino is able to show this effectively through adequate use of his textual form.
Through an examination of the depiction of similar values in the texts, it is evident the notions conveyed in the original have been reshaped in its modern day derivation. While the composer decides on the textual form to reinforce and accentuate the values they wish to convey, it is context that ultimately dictates what values are portrayed. A comparison of KRIII and LFR shows how religious views and values have changed over time, as well as how the opinions and desires of individuals have come to have more significance. A nice punchy conclusion, this works very well.
As contexts change, the representation and relevance of values are also transformed. While certain aspects of textual form may affect the representation of or accentuate certain values, the values that are depicted are not a result of differences in textual form but of differing contexts. This opening works well, but I think you can go a little more in depth: Why is it that the exploration of values is reflective of context? This will allow you to link to audience. Shakespeare’s play, King Richard III (KRIII) thought to have been written in 1591, and Al Pacino’s indulgent, self-directed “docu-drama type thing”, Looking For Richard (LFR) (1996), demonstrate this notion by revealing the way beliefs in religion and determinism have affected values evolved through effective use of their textual form. Good introduction of texts, though 'evolved' may not be the best word choice there. Perhaps look at going into more detail about the concept of religion you will be exploring. Shakespeare uses the form of his time, the play, to reflect his context as one of extreme devoutness and order, much like the way Pacino uses the most popular medium of his time, film, to create a “Shakespeare about how we think and feel today” while depicting a time where secularism and the equality of individuals were prominent. This is shown through the representation of Richard in each text and the different social hierarchy each text portrays. A solid Thesis to start, I think that you could raise the sophistication a tad (a more unique argument, and tidying up expression), but it works well!
Shakespeare, through making Richard subvert contemporary values, explores determinism, arguing that evil is something innate and permanent. As the play was composed during the reign of Queen Elizabeth, Shakespeare wrote it in accordance with the Tudor myth, emphasising the Christian values of the time. Excellent inclusion of context, can you give an example of how this is evident/relevant in the text? Drawing upon sources such as Thomas Moore’s The History of King Richard III, Shakespeare paints Richard as a monstrous man, emphasising this through his physical - yet not entirely historically correct - deformities. Good, would this be a form of costuming? Trying to come up with the right technique for it. Richard is the perfect Machiavellian villain, abandoning any notion of morality to maximise his personal gain. While deceiving his nephew, Richard says, “(aside to the audience) Thus, like the formal Vice, Iniquity. I moralise two meanings in one word.” He uses the simile of the Vice, the personification of evil, the villain of Renaissance theatre, to express that evil is at his very core. What does this show the audience about the nature of determinism? Shakespeare thus uses the form of his time to involve the audience by having Richard speak directly to them, much like the typical Vice character. The continual insights into Richard’s mind that Shakespeare gives the audience shows Richard is always thinking about how to use others to reach his goals. These soliloquys emphasise Richard has no remorse, no conscience; evil is his intrinsic condition. While the representation of Richard and determinism is affected by textual form, the actual values Shakespeare chooses to depict are due to context. While you are choosing to focus, you still need to have a bit more of technique to sustain your analysis. Right now, you only have 1/1 and a half. How do the techniques Shakespeare used reflect his contextual influences with respect to determinism? How does Shakespeare use technique to craft meaning around determinism that modern audiences can relate to, and thus connect to his context? These are the sorts of things to address to get yourself into the upper range of response.
Pacino takes a more sympathetic approach to Richard, offering the audience a different interpretation of Richard’s character. Different how? Be specific from the get go, even though you elaborate later you still need to give us something in the intro. While not forgiving him completely, Pacino argues Richard was not completely irredeemable due to the increasing acceptance of moral relativism and moral nihilism. Pacino, through clever use of form is able to give the illusion Pacino and Richard are becoming the same person –they are being played by the same actor - appealing to the sympathy of the audience. For example, at the end of the film, Richard’s death is dramatized, as it is accompanied by low requiem singing, which is extremely soft in comparison to the sound of the arrow piercing the King. Try and be a little more succinct in describing the use of techniques. For example, "Richard's death is dramatised by sound mixing, with the accentuated sound of the arrow striking Richard symbolic of ... etc." Richard is hit twice; still alive, struggling for breath, his death is elongated, but then he is finally murdered by Richmond. Unnecessary detail, this is just retelling the text! You are walking a fine line between a very good recount and actual analysis, be careful. The audience almost feels Pacino himself has been killed as he and the character of Richard have grown together throughout the play, further dramatising his death. Be a little more sophisticated here, "almost feels" is low modality language, be sure of your own points! In contrast to Shakespeare’s original, which simply states, “they fight. King Richard III is slain,” Pacino empathises with Richard, showing that each human life, regardless of how corrupt, is valuable. Good conceptual link. While in a Tudor context Richard should die with no honour or dignity, through effective use of form Pacino’s interpretation gives Richard more humanity and illustrates evil not as his defining characteristic but a flaw. I really like the concept you have tried to draw out here, and I love the links you are making between the texts and contexts. I still think you need more techniques to sustain your argument.
Shakespeare’s play also asserts the idea of the great chain of being and an unyielding social structure, a prominent belief of the time, through its structure and form. KRIII has the same four movements as a Senecan tragedy: the introduction (in which Richard explains his plans), the complication (Richard overcoming those who stand between him and the throne), climax (Richard’s coronation) and catastrophe (Richard’s death). Assume the reader knows your text, you do not need to add these details. In the third phase it seems Richard has overcome this hierarchical structure, but this makes Richmond’s ultimate victory even more profound. Retell. By reinforcing the view the Tudors are the rightful heirs of the throne, the form of a Senecan tragedy asserts that the divine right of kings exists. This notion is a providential idea (in accord with Queen Elizabeth’s beliefs), proclaiming that God’s will is evident in all occurrences and has application to social order. Under this belief, many of the audience would have agreed with the structure and form of the play, that Richard III was undeserving of the crown. Good links to context and concept, but again, lacking in textual analysis.
Pacino’s film, however, was created in a more secularised society where belief in God and a rigid social order was not as prominent. As a result of his context, there is a noticeable lack of religious references and an emphasis on democracy and the rights of the individual, opposed to the overbearing confines of social class in Shakespeare’s context. This is most evident when Pacino says, “A person has an opinion. It’s only an opinion. It’s never a question of whether it is right or wrong.” Pacino’s statement is further reinforced when the interviews and vox-pops that are typical of his documentary form are used. He does not state the name of the famous actors or scholars who are on air to bring these people down to the same level as the ‘toothless panhandler’ and random bystanders. Technique? Effect on audience? This is once again heavy with textual retell. Opinions of Shakespeare from the everyday American to the British scholar to the seasoned Shakespearean actor are equal, highlighting the democratic and egalitarian ideals of the time. Pacino is able to show this effectively through adequate use of his textual form.
Through an examination of the depiction of similar values in the texts, it is evident the notions conveyed in the original have been reshaped in its modern day derivation. While the composer decides on the textual form to reinforce and accentuate the values they wish to convey, it is context that ultimately dictates what values are portrayed. A comparison of KRIII and LFR shows how religious views and values have changed over time, as well as how the opinions and desires of individuals have come to have more significance. A nice punchy conclusion, this works very well.
What I'll start by saying is that your contextual links are excellent, really top notch. You've clearly given a lot of thought to how the ideas in the text are shaped by their context, and further, how these impact differently on different audiences. Massive congratulations on that, it's brilliant!
The thing is, your argument isn't quite re-enforced. The reason is simply a lack of textual analysis. Essentially, you are hitting three out of four points in the chain:
CONTEXT -> IDEA -> TECHNIQUE -> AUDIENCE
That is, you need to show how the context influences how the idea is represented using a technique, and thus, the effect this has on the audience. At the moment, you are just saying how the context influences the idea and how the audience perceives this. Your textual evidence is mostly retell, taking bits of the play and saying how your ideas pops up in that example. You have very few techniques to back yourself up.
To fix this, I recommend a shift in focus. Remove all sentences where you are just retelling bits of the play. Think, would you need to say this to someone who knew the play well, like your marker does? This will remove the retell, and from there, you need to fill it back up with analytical sentences. Analyse how techniques are used (appropriate to form), to craft meaning in the text, with this meaning ultimately dependent on the context. As I said, you are already doing MOST of this, you just need to replace retell with techniques. I give some pointers throughout the essay to help you know what I mean :)
This is an excellent essay waiting to happen, great work nay103! Let me know if you need any clarification on any of these points, I know I said a lot ;) hope it helps!! ;D
Post by: ccarolineb on May 30, 2016, 05:54:56 pm
Hi there!
I just want to quickly let you know that I've never read either of these texts (Trust me, Brave New World is definitely on my list!) and in Module C I studied People and Landscapes, not People and Politics. With this in mind, hopefully I can give you some helpful tips! :)
I also want you to be aware that your essay is very long. In an exam, you probably wouldn't have the time to dedicate this many words to Module C. If this is an assignment with a high word limit, then no biggie! :)
Your essay is in the spoiler here, with my comments written in bold throughout :)SpoilerQuestion: “Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse for the absolute truth”
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.
Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. Awesome! The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this quote This isn't a major thing by any means, but using the word "quote" in an essay isn't always the best option. My top suggestion to replace it in this instance is notion. This is totally up to you and definitely not a big deal, it is just a small word play thing ) becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. Both these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between. To make this introduction stronger, I recommend taking out the text summary (or, at least some of it, to make room for the coming suggestion) so that you can talk specifically about the "truths" that are warped and presented in the text. So, perhaps you want to talk about political, social, mental, or musical truths. If you specifically mention one or two that you will tease out later on, you are giving your marker a better idea of what to expect, more than just a snippet of a text summary would. Does this make sense at all? It's a way of elevating your introduction from "here is a quick summary of the text" to "here is a quick and succinct summary of my essay, stay tuned!"
Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants, “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to. This is a really strong paragraph! I really don't have any suggestions here just yet. Your sentences are packed with a lot of important detail! Except, I want to draw your attention to the fact that you've only said the word "truth/truthful" three times. Once at the beginning, and twice at the end. I think you'll benefit from tying in the middle section to the essay question, or at least by linking it to the idea of truth. i think this will improve the way that your argument reads.
A very similar idea is parodied Love this word!!in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots”. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. This is a really good flick between the texts! The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’.
Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. I'm consistently impressed by the strength of your topic sentences. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity. This paragraph is really great - except that it implicitly deals with the question rather than explicitly. We use the word truth, a key word in the question, only once in this paragraph. I think your argument will remain strong at this point if you can go back through this paragraph and weave the question through explicitly. Your analysis is still there, but I think it appears weaker because of the lack of reference to the essay question.
The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient display of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity. Similar to the above comment, this paragraph seems slightly pointless because it doesn't deal with the question. To me, it isn't pointless because I see the cross-text referencing at play here. However, it is important that you give it purpose that is instantly recognised by linking it to the question.
John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the World State. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””. In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds.
John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity, and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.
I haven't commented on the last few paragraphs because I have the same piece of advice for all. I can see what you mean when you feel that your argument fades away towards the event. I think the reason is that you are making less and less explicit dealings with the question. Your introduction is wonderful for the way that it deals with the question, but it doesn't persist later on throughout the essay, particularly in these last paragraphs. Who is experiencing? Who is perceiving things as true when they are actually untrue and controlled by experience and bias? Referencing the initial quotation more would strengthen the essay in a way that you have one single spine weaved through the essay, and the spine is that quotation. Don't get me wrong, I know you are dealing with the question, but it isn't in an explicit way, which is important for elevating the essay to sophistication.
Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. The conclusion here is quite brief. If you take some ideas from your introduction, you'll be able to lengthen this. Most importantly, if you take ideas from the quotation and essay question set from you, you have the opportunity to draw it all together here really explicitly.
I don't underestimate your knowledge of the texts for a second! You have a really good analytical grasp on it all! I'm really impressed. The reason that your essay seems as though it is dropping sophistication towards the end is because the essay question and set quotation isn't holding it all together. By going through and linking every single point to the question, you'll have a far stronger essay. Your introduction and conclusion are excellent places for you to really flesh out the essay question to ground your essay in a coherent idea. In your introduction, you have room to take away summary and introduce the essay's angle.
I hope this makes sense. There's no tiny little picky things to work on, instead it is just a structural thing. When the structure is strong, you'll find that the essay will be far stronger and it will appear to be more sophisticated!
Please post back if something I've said doesn't make sense! You should be really proud of your analysis :)
Thankyou so much for these pointers! I've worked on what you've suggested and I think with some slight changes I've added a slight layer of sophistication in both my justification and creating a structure. Would love anymore suggestions where needed :)
“Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse for the absolute truth”
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.
Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this speculation becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. The interplay between truth and representation is evident when exploring the ideas of political truth, social truth, and individual truth. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. i really did want to keep some sort of text introduction here because of my teachers suggestionsBoth these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between.
Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants, “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to.
A very similar idea is parodied in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots”. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’.
Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity.
The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient illustration of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. Again, the relationship between representation and truth is actively conveyed through the use of a metaphorical concept symbolising the almost mechanical process of shaping an individual’s sense of truth around a fabricated representation. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity.
John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples within the World State, with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the all powerful political regime, that is, the World State. John and Lenina are living antitheses of each other, both living in separate worlds and with separate concepts of truth. To each of these individuals, the representation of the world they have grown up with has become their idea of the ‘absolute truth’. In saying this, the given quote by Simone de Beauvior is significantly present in situations where people are affected by the representations strengthened by external parties, and they use these ‘truths’ to shape the way they establish their own in regarding morals, ethics and lifestyles. Thus, another person’s ‘absolute truth’ has shaped their individual essence of truth. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””. In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds.
John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Lennon stresses that a person has the capacity to choose which side of themselves they show to the greater world. This follows similar propositions within Brave New World, in that the constant confrontations between the two worlds of Lenina and John are symbolic of the internal struggles of a single individual choosing which side of themselves they will surrender to and represent as their truthful and honest positions. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.
What can be understood is that representation is a tool used to shape one’s point of view to a certain degree of truth. Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. Huxley and the composers of I Met a Walrus craftily yet very markedly tied in theories of truth and its relationship with representation throughout their texts, acting as a spine which soundly holds together the integrity of their ideas.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 31, 2016, 10:24:26 pm
Hi I'm back
My teacher said my essay was fine. (I just needed to somehow engage the audience in a general manner)
But I'm not sure how... I've tried using a rhetorical question but I'm not sure if it is effective...
I am kind of confused on how to talk about what a modern audience can take from this essay. i've tried to include this aspect but
I'm not sure if it is what you meant
Hey again another world! Again, I'm going to leave this for Elyse to tackle so that she can follow up on her feedback, you should have some feedback very soon!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 31, 2016, 11:17:07 pm
Thankyou so much for these pointers! I've worked on what you've suggested and I think with some slight changes I've added a slight layer of sophistication in both my justification and creating a structure. Would love anymore suggestions where needed :)
Hey again Caroline!! Thanks for re-posting!! Since you don't need to follow up on any specific feedback I've had a read and put some comments throughout; I might have missed stuff Elyse covered or added extra feedback, consider me an extra set of eyes ;D
Spoiler
“Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse for the absolute truth” Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.
Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this speculation becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. The interplay between truth and representation is evident when exploring the ideas of political truth, social truth, and individual truth. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. Both these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between. I like this introduction!! I think the textual introduction is fine, but your introduction works better now with the inclusion of the truths you will be exploring! It works well, but I'd still like to see some more detail. Like, there are lots of individual truths, social truths, etc, I think giving some more detail will give your essay a conceptual focus, which will raise the sophistication even further!
Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. What is this truth? You explore it later, but establish it immediately! And further, I'd like to see your concept separated from the text a little. Your essay is about REPRESENTATION, so, you should be able to establish the concept by itself first, and then say how Huxley represents it. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. What technique would you say achieves this? Be sure to focus on analysis! The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Technique? Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants, “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to. I think your argument is sustained decently well, much the same as Elyse, but the big issue I see with this paragraph is a major lack of techniques. Especially in an essay on representation, you MUST be addressing the techniques Huxley has utilised to represent his ideas. You essentially should be discussing how technique creates meaning, if that makes sense?
A very similar idea is parodied in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots." As an introductory sentence, this is very "retell" focused. You are just recounting the conversation. Instead, try and state the idea that Lennon's text will be representing. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The wording was a little bit off in that sentence, "discussing how" was slightly out of place? But good integration of technique and the question! The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. Cool! The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’. Nice conclusion, but I think you can choose a better word than "soundness." This paragraph is more effective, but also quite short, have you considered meshing it with the paragraph above to create an integrated response?
Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. Remove "essentially" from that sentence, sound sure of yourself the whole time, high modality! His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. Example? At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. Nice contextual link! But technique? In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. Try and be a little more succinct in your contextual discussions, keep the focus on representations! During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. More effective than this plot retell would be some more abstract reference, for example, "The importance of the drug "soma," for the citizens of Huxley's world state, is perhaps epitomised best by INSERT QUOTE. Plot retell is in general ineffective. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. Technique? The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity. I think your argument is now handled much better in this paragraph, but again, I'm not seeing enough technique here, and thus you aren't covering the representation aspect of this module.
The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient illustration of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. Again, the relationship between representation and truth is actively conveyed through the use of a metaphorical concept symbolising the almost mechanical process of shaping an individual’s sense of truth around a fabricated representation. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity. Again, well done with sustaining your argument a little more effectively, but quite short! I think it would work better blended with the previous paragraph! Matter of preference though ;D
John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples within the World State, with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the all powerful political regime, that is, the World State. Integration of techniques is better in this paragraph! John and Lenina are living antitheses of each other, both living in separate worlds and with separate concepts of truth. To each of these individuals, the representation of the world they have grown up with has become their idea of the ‘absolute truth’. In saying this, the given quote by Simone de Beauvior is significantly present in situations where people are affected by the representations strengthened by external parties, and they use these ‘truths’ to shape the way they establish their own in regarding morals, ethics and lifestyles. Thus, another person’s ‘absolute truth’ has shaped their individual essence of truth. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””This is BEGGING to be linked to a technique, it was one of my favourite lines in this novel ;) In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds. The last section of this paragraph was slipping into retell a bit, but this paragraph is nice on the whole! Argument well sustained.
John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Lennon stresses that a person has the capacity to choose which side of themselves they show to the greater world. This follows similar propositions within Brave New World, in that the constant confrontations between the two worlds of Lenina and John are symbolic of the internal struggles of a single individual choosing which side of themselves they will surrender to and represent as their truthful and honest positions. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.
What can be understood is that representation is a tool used to shape one’s point of view to a certain degree of truth. I'd take out that first phrase, just start with "Representation is a tool." Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. Huxley and the composers of I Met a Walrus craftily yet very markedly tied in theories of truth and its relationship with representation throughout their texts, acting as a spine which soundly holds together the integrity of their ideas.
Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this speculation becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. The interplay between truth and representation is evident when exploring the ideas of political truth, social truth, and individual truth. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. Both these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between. I like this introduction!! I think the textual introduction is fine, but your introduction works better now with the inclusion of the truths you will be exploring! It works well, but I'd still like to see some more detail. Like, there are lots of individual truths, social truths, etc, I think giving some more detail will give your essay a conceptual focus, which will raise the sophistication even further!
Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. What is this truth? You explore it later, but establish it immediately! And further, I'd like to see your concept separated from the text a little. Your essay is about REPRESENTATION, so, you should be able to establish the concept by itself first, and then say how Huxley represents it. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. What technique would you say achieves this? Be sure to focus on analysis! The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Technique? Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants, “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to. I think your argument is sustained decently well, much the same as Elyse, but the big issue I see with this paragraph is a major lack of techniques. Especially in an essay on representation, you MUST be addressing the techniques Huxley has utilised to represent his ideas. You essentially should be discussing how technique creates meaning, if that makes sense?
A very similar idea is parodied in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots." As an introductory sentence, this is very "retell" focused. You are just recounting the conversation. Instead, try and state the idea that Lennon's text will be representing. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The wording was a little bit off in that sentence, "discussing how" was slightly out of place? But good integration of technique and the question! The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. Cool! The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’. Nice conclusion, but I think you can choose a better word than "soundness." This paragraph is more effective, but also quite short, have you considered meshing it with the paragraph above to create an integrated response?
Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. Remove "essentially" from that sentence, sound sure of yourself the whole time, high modality! His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. Example? At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. Nice contextual link! But technique? In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. Try and be a little more succinct in your contextual discussions, keep the focus on representations! During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. More effective than this plot retell would be some more abstract reference, for example, "The importance of the drug "soma," for the citizens of Huxley's world state, is perhaps epitomised best by INSERT QUOTE. Plot retell is in general ineffective. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. Technique? The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity. I think your argument is now handled much better in this paragraph, but again, I'm not seeing enough technique here, and thus you aren't covering the representation aspect of this module.
The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient illustration of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. Again, the relationship between representation and truth is actively conveyed through the use of a metaphorical concept symbolising the almost mechanical process of shaping an individual’s sense of truth around a fabricated representation. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity. Again, well done with sustaining your argument a little more effectively, but quite short! I think it would work better blended with the previous paragraph! Matter of preference though ;D
John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples within the World State, with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the all powerful political regime, that is, the World State. Integration of techniques is better in this paragraph! John and Lenina are living antitheses of each other, both living in separate worlds and with separate concepts of truth. To each of these individuals, the representation of the world they have grown up with has become their idea of the ‘absolute truth’. In saying this, the given quote by Simone de Beauvior is significantly present in situations where people are affected by the representations strengthened by external parties, and they use these ‘truths’ to shape the way they establish their own in regarding morals, ethics and lifestyles. Thus, another person’s ‘absolute truth’ has shaped their individual essence of truth. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””This is BEGGING to be linked to a technique, it was one of my favourite lines in this novel ;) In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds. The last section of this paragraph was slipping into retell a bit, but this paragraph is nice on the whole! Argument well sustained.
John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Lennon stresses that a person has the capacity to choose which side of themselves they show to the greater world. This follows similar propositions within Brave New World, in that the constant confrontations between the two worlds of Lenina and John are symbolic of the internal struggles of a single individual choosing which side of themselves they will surrender to and represent as their truthful and honest positions. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.
What can be understood is that representation is a tool used to shape one’s point of view to a certain degree of truth. I'd take out that first phrase, just start with "Representation is a tool." Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. Huxley and the composers of I Met a Walrus craftily yet very markedly tied in theories of truth and its relationship with representation throughout their texts, acting as a spine which soundly holds together the integrity of their ideas.
From your last version that I had a peek at, you're sustaining your argument much more effectively this time. Very effective, you are addressing the question the whole time, so great job there!!
My big feedback will be techniques. You need more of them to sustain your analysis, especially in Module C. Try to shift yourself away from textual retell; there is no need to recount plot details, scenes or conversations. Instead, focus exclusively on how techniques used by Huxley allow him to communicate social, political and individual truths; this is the notion of representation. This is what you need to crack a high range response; Module C needs techniques even more than the others, and they ALL rely on them heavily, so that is saying something.
There are other little pieces of feedback throughout, but I like to give one big thing to work on, so techniques is your job from here. Feel free to let us know if you need a hand with it, textual analysis with effective use of technique can be very difficult to pull off! Great work though Caroline, you have some really sophisticated ideas here and address the question really really well, fantastic job! ;D
Post by: lha on June 01, 2016, 09:52:37 pm
Thank you!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 02, 2016, 08:52:34 am
Hi I'm back
My teacher said my essay was fine. (I just needed to somehow engage the audience in a general manner)
But I'm not sure how... I've tried using a rhetorical question but I'm not sure if it is effective...
I am kind of confused on how to talk about what a modern audience can take from this essay. i've tried to include this aspect but
I'm not sure if it is what you meant
Hi! I'll totally admit it, I'm a bit confused myself about the expectation to engage the audience (the criteria makes it sound a bit like a speech) through the essay. But, we'll give it a go! :)
Spoiler
Mao’s Last dancer, by Li Cunxin, is an inspirational autobiography that delves into the harsh life experiences and lessons he learned living in Mao’s Communist China. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons can only be truly appreciated by a contemporary reader with context. Have you ever read something with your eyes closed and understood it? I like the use of rhetorical question!/b] A testament to this notion is in how my own understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. To further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams and his love towards family relations under the reign of Mao Zedong, I researched Cunxin’s context in Mao’s Communist China. My own personal context further influenced my interpretation of this autobiography and its relation to me. Not so much at this point, but throughout the essay, I'm anticipating seeing the rhetorical question referred to more. The metaphor of eyes being closed as not understanding the context is a good one. We just need to keep linking to it.
Understanding historical context has allowed me to better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China in what years?. It allows us to understand questions, " Why were particular events emphasised?" "What is the significance of these events?" Collective knowledge of context accentuates depth and meaning to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ amidst the peak of the cultural Revolution in 1966. Perhaps relate to the audience here by saying something to engage the audience, perhaps by questioning them about how they might interpret it completely differently if they didn't know the context. This is loose, but something along these lines :)The importance of the allusion, "there was an unstoppable political heat wave sweeping through China. Emotions ran high and wild " is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. It was a period of chaos. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong feared losing power and control and began the cultural revolution in an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government as ‘the country teetered on the edge of civil war’. The imagery of counter-revolutionaries condemned and accused publicly as ‘capitalist filth’ harbouring ‘evil landlord-like attitudes’ enables us to visualise ‘young Red Guards’ as Mao’s personal army of loyal minions. The frightening repetition of ‘revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao! emphasised Mao’s desire for power and unravelled his hidden agenda as ‘‘Guns fired. The bodies fell down’. The Cultural Revolution was not just to eradicate counter-revolunaties. It was an evident political movement to reinstate his own power. It is undeniable that without knowledge of Communist China I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event contextually. I'm not sure, but perhaps this is another chance for a rhetorical question. "Would you?"
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand how powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience can be used to realise one’s dreams. The significance of the metaphor, "I wanted to fly like the beautiful birds and dragonflies," can only appreciated eloquently when context is considered. Cunxin was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. But he was given a privilege others yearned for influencing his motivation in his pursuit of excellence in ballet ‘This was how I could make not only make my parents but also the whole of China proud’. Be sure to use speech marks " and not apostrophes '. Cunxin practised wherever he could he ‘practised leaps covering every inch of whichever studio was vacant’ and‘ Strapped sandbags’ to his ankles. Cunxin even symbolically wrote ‘fly’ on his ballet shoes’ leaping high into the air.But his determination does not stop there. He practised ‘night after night, relentlessly. By the end of the term I had left shallow indentations in the studio floor where I had endlessly, repeatedly turned’. Contextual knowledge has enabled us to understand that his prominence on the international ballet stage was the fruit born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline. Mao's Last Dancer has greatly influenced me to now appreciate the value of opportunities and not to waste them. Contextual knowledge has accentuated my reading of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’; prompting us to aspire to be like Li Cunxin. In this sentence, you've gone from your reading, to our reading. "My" to "us" and it jars a little. Be consistent with who you are including in a sentence :) Also, you end the sentence with Cunxin and then start the next sentence with the same word. This is no literary tort, but it sounds a little funny. If possible, arrange the syntax on one to avoid this issue :) Cunxin emphasizes our understanding that we can all succeed in realising our dreams if we show these dormant attributes of determination, self discipline and resilience that are undeniably embedded within all of us.
My own personal context resonated deeply with the contextual knowledge of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. I too was born to a Chinese family; allowing me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honesty and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to my own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother’s first hand hand recounts of her experiences whilst living in Mao’s Communist China accentuated my appreciation and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ on a personal level, undeniably shaping how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' and emphasised my appreciation of my family.
Context is imperative to understanding, it changes our perspectives and understanding to literature significantly.This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communist China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without appreciating context, it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography. Equipped with knowledge that context is a necessity, it is clear that we can all draw inspiration, motivation and passion from ‘Mao’s Dancer’ despite cultural differences and circumstances from around the world.
Understanding historical context has allowed me to better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China in what years?. It allows us to understand questions, " Why were particular events emphasised?" "What is the significance of these events?" Collective knowledge of context accentuates depth and meaning to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ amidst the peak of the cultural Revolution in 1966. Perhaps relate to the audience here by saying something to engage the audience, perhaps by questioning them about how they might interpret it completely differently if they didn't know the context. This is loose, but something along these lines :)The importance of the allusion, "there was an unstoppable political heat wave sweeping through China. Emotions ran high and wild " is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. It was a period of chaos. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong feared losing power and control and began the cultural revolution in an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government as ‘the country teetered on the edge of civil war’. The imagery of counter-revolutionaries condemned and accused publicly as ‘capitalist filth’ harbouring ‘evil landlord-like attitudes’ enables us to visualise ‘young Red Guards’ as Mao’s personal army of loyal minions. The frightening repetition of ‘revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao! emphasised Mao’s desire for power and unravelled his hidden agenda as ‘‘Guns fired. The bodies fell down’. The Cultural Revolution was not just to eradicate counter-revolunaties. It was an evident political movement to reinstate his own power. It is undeniable that without knowledge of Communist China I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event contextually. I'm not sure, but perhaps this is another chance for a rhetorical question. "Would you?"
Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand how powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience can be used to realise one’s dreams. The significance of the metaphor, "I wanted to fly like the beautiful birds and dragonflies," can only appreciated eloquently when context is considered. Cunxin was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. But he was given a privilege others yearned for influencing his motivation in his pursuit of excellence in ballet ‘This was how I could make not only make my parents but also the whole of China proud’. Be sure to use speech marks " and not apostrophes '. Cunxin practised wherever he could he ‘practised leaps covering every inch of whichever studio was vacant’ and‘ Strapped sandbags’ to his ankles. Cunxin even symbolically wrote ‘fly’ on his ballet shoes’ leaping high into the air.But his determination does not stop there. He practised ‘night after night, relentlessly. By the end of the term I had left shallow indentations in the studio floor where I had endlessly, repeatedly turned’. Contextual knowledge has enabled us to understand that his prominence on the international ballet stage was the fruit born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline. Mao's Last Dancer has greatly influenced me to now appreciate the value of opportunities and not to waste them. Contextual knowledge has accentuated my reading of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’; prompting us to aspire to be like Li Cunxin. In this sentence, you've gone from your reading, to our reading. "My" to "us" and it jars a little. Be consistent with who you are including in a sentence :) Also, you end the sentence with Cunxin and then start the next sentence with the same word. This is no literary tort, but it sounds a little funny. If possible, arrange the syntax on one to avoid this issue :) Cunxin emphasizes our understanding that we can all succeed in realising our dreams if we show these dormant attributes of determination, self discipline and resilience that are undeniably embedded within all of us.
My own personal context resonated deeply with the contextual knowledge of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. I too was born to a Chinese family; allowing me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honesty and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to my own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother’s first hand hand recounts of her experiences whilst living in Mao’s Communist China accentuated my appreciation and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ on a personal level, undeniably shaping how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' and emphasised my appreciation of my family.
Context is imperative to understanding, it changes our perspectives and understanding to literature significantly.This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communist China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without appreciating context, it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography. Equipped with knowledge that context is a necessity, it is clear that we can all draw inspiration, motivation and passion from ‘Mao’s Dancer’ despite cultural differences and circumstances from around the world.
I think the trick here is to refer to that initial rhetorical question further on. Continually prompt the reader to aliken not knowing the context to reading blind. This is a really strong idea that you can thread through your text. Furthermore, extend yourself to not just your specific personal self, but instead to being a "contemporary reader." This is when you can collectively use "we" when talking in your opinion piece. The Chinese culture and values are a strong comparison in this text undoubtedly, but there's also a connection that this text can make to contemporary readers, even of Western culture, to the original storyline and context.
I'm sorry if I'm not being so helpful! I hope this really gives you an idea about where to go. The only thing I'm definitely sure of is that continuing the closed-eye notion will really tie your opinion piece together and engage the audience. :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 02, 2016, 09:07:37 am
Hi, this is my mod c essay on wag the dog (i dont need a related text). I have only done the intro and first body paragraph and was wondering if you could tell me what to fix and see if I answered the question so far (the question is at the top of the essay).
Thank you!
Hello! It's a great idea to check in with the first part of your essay before going too much further! I'll take a look now :)
Also, I haven't seen this text before, and I studied People and Landscapes and not People and Politics. I just want to let you know, but I'll still of course give you my best feedback! :)
I'll write my comments in bold font in the spoiler here:
Spoiler
Mod C Essay: Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson
‘Representations of political events or situations often reveal an individual’s personal beliefs and values’. Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text.
The portrayal of critical political episodes, acknowledges the beliefs and values of individuals of society. Really good work with tying the question into the thesis here!Barry Levinson portrays politics as a worldwide alluring affair formulated by hierarchical power to present displeasing situations in a favourable manner to a naïve society, in order to establish a set of beliefs and values thought to be sincere. This representation that people’s reliance on political idols, in accordance with an individual’s desire to believe, stimulating their trust for a deceitful organisation and constituting a degree of vulnerability to gullibility, is expressed by Levinson in his film, Wag the Dog (1997). His representation of a real life political event occurring in his context of 1997 reveals his unique beliefs on the manipulative influence that the political genre has on people in society. You cover all the right information in this introduction I think. However, your sentences are really jampacked. I have a feeling that if you broke up some of the sentences, the ideas would be more easily digested. Each time you've used a comma, consider if you could instead use a full stop and then add a few words to the second half to make it a complete sentence on its own. I don't want to mess with your ideas, because they are really strong. And, your word choice is even stronger! You express this really well. It's now a matter of syntax :)
The corruptive behaviour of politically dominant authority is expressed by Levinson through his representation of a fictional political scandal, which was highly thought to be a relevant representation of the famous Monica Lewinsky Scandal of 1998. Levinson articulates the fraud of political situations expressed to citizens through the satirical nature of his film. The satire used allows the constant relevancy of his film to all contexts and political situations. Furthermore, Levinson’s cynicism towards politics is affirmed in his characterisation of Conrad Brean, who is introduced as “Mr Fix It” in the opening scene in which upbeat, non-diegetic, guitar playing is used to create anticipation amongst the viewers that an individual of important status in the film has been announced. Brean’s condescending tone as he addresses his colleagues as “you kids” further expresses his valuable positioning in the film and in the political party. Levinson uses this characterisation of Brean as the most influential person in politics, to confound the audience as he has not conformed to the emblematic political standards of the President being in power, also expressing his arbitrary belief on the real head of politics. Moreover, the use of images and symbols created by the “spin doctors” as a result of their production, manipulate the people, being the American public. This tiny last bit here doesn't read well. perhaps, "manipulate the people in the American public." The comma doesn't quite read smoothly. I'm being picky, though :)Levinson’s juxtaposing characterisation of Sergeant William Schumman, a convict who “raped a nun” pretending to be a war hero, as a personification of the manipulation and corruption occurring and the symbolic tool in which Schumman is used by the political system, is indicative of his pessimistic stance on politics.
Wow! Your analysis is wonderful. You have a really clear structure of quote, technique, analysis and it really works in your favour. However, I'd just like to see a tiny bit more explicit referencing to the values that the question wants you to talk about. You definitely implicitly hit it, but specifically talking about the exact beliefs and values that the text requires you discuss is the next point of call to elevate this essay.
‘Representations of political events or situations often reveal an individual’s personal beliefs and values’. Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text.
The portrayal of critical political episodes, acknowledges the beliefs and values of individuals of society. Really good work with tying the question into the thesis here!Barry Levinson portrays politics as a worldwide alluring affair formulated by hierarchical power to present displeasing situations in a favourable manner to a naïve society, in order to establish a set of beliefs and values thought to be sincere. This representation that people’s reliance on political idols, in accordance with an individual’s desire to believe, stimulating their trust for a deceitful organisation and constituting a degree of vulnerability to gullibility, is expressed by Levinson in his film, Wag the Dog (1997). His representation of a real life political event occurring in his context of 1997 reveals his unique beliefs on the manipulative influence that the political genre has on people in society. You cover all the right information in this introduction I think. However, your sentences are really jampacked. I have a feeling that if you broke up some of the sentences, the ideas would be more easily digested. Each time you've used a comma, consider if you could instead use a full stop and then add a few words to the second half to make it a complete sentence on its own. I don't want to mess with your ideas, because they are really strong. And, your word choice is even stronger! You express this really well. It's now a matter of syntax :)
The corruptive behaviour of politically dominant authority is expressed by Levinson through his representation of a fictional political scandal, which was highly thought to be a relevant representation of the famous Monica Lewinsky Scandal of 1998. Levinson articulates the fraud of political situations expressed to citizens through the satirical nature of his film. The satire used allows the constant relevancy of his film to all contexts and political situations. Furthermore, Levinson’s cynicism towards politics is affirmed in his characterisation of Conrad Brean, who is introduced as “Mr Fix It” in the opening scene in which upbeat, non-diegetic, guitar playing is used to create anticipation amongst the viewers that an individual of important status in the film has been announced. Brean’s condescending tone as he addresses his colleagues as “you kids” further expresses his valuable positioning in the film and in the political party. Levinson uses this characterisation of Brean as the most influential person in politics, to confound the audience as he has not conformed to the emblematic political standards of the President being in power, also expressing his arbitrary belief on the real head of politics. Moreover, the use of images and symbols created by the “spin doctors” as a result of their production, manipulate the people, being the American public. This tiny last bit here doesn't read well. perhaps, "manipulate the people in the American public." The comma doesn't quite read smoothly. I'm being picky, though :)Levinson’s juxtaposing characterisation of Sergeant William Schumman, a convict who “raped a nun” pretending to be a war hero, as a personification of the manipulation and corruption occurring and the symbolic tool in which Schumman is used by the political system, is indicative of his pessimistic stance on politics.
Wow! Your analysis is wonderful. You have a really clear structure of quote, technique, analysis and it really works in your favour. However, I'd just like to see a tiny bit more explicit referencing to the values that the question wants you to talk about. You definitely implicitly hit it, but specifically talking about the exact beliefs and values that the text requires you discuss is the next point of call to elevate this essay.
Amazing work! Hopefully you know how strong your writing is. It's really effective and punchy. Some great writers in the HSC hit things implicitly yet unquestionably, and some people hit the high marks through punchy and fully loaded words. So you definitely are the latter type, and so was I! In the introduction I think you need to break down the sentences a bit more so the ideas are digestable, and in the first paragraph I think you just need to make a more explicit reference to the exact beliefs and values that are mentioned in the essay question.
You'll do brilliantly! Please let me know if anything doesn't make sense, or if you have any questions :) You should be proud of this one!
Post by: FallonXay on June 03, 2016, 10:19:54 pm
Representation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience.
Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world.
Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance.
Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue.
Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.
Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations.
Post by: Adriaclya on June 04, 2016, 11:43:38 pm
The question is : evaluate how the 2 speakers chosen promote the importance of making a difference in our world
The other important stuff:
- evaluate construction + use of rhetorical features
- explain how the speeches resonate in today society
Thankss! :)
Post by: foodmood16 on June 05, 2016, 11:14:10 am
Thanks :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 06, 2016, 12:14:13 am
Hi guys, this is my mod b speech. Please go hard? I think?
The question is : evaluate how the 2 speakers chosen promote the importance of making a difference in our world
The other important stuff:
- evaluate construction + use of rhetorical features
- explain how the speeches resonate in today society
Thankss! :)
Hey Adriaclya!! Thanks for posting your essay! Unfortunately we have a restriction for marking on this forum, you must have a minimum of 5 posts on ATAR Notes. This is to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged up and thus remains as beneficial as possible. You are only 2 posts off the limit, so hang around the forums for a while and you'll be there in no time. Then just let us know in this thread when you've reached it and we'll go back and mark your essay!! Thanks in advance ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 06, 2016, 08:42:34 am
Hi! I have written a practice essay for Module C: Representation and Text, Elective 1: Representing people and politics (using the prescribed text Wag the Dog and related material The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman) in preparation for upcoming exams. Any criticism/feedback would be greatly appreciated. Also, I am concerned about writing with cohesion, if you have any advice on this that’d be awesome! Thanks a ton! :)
Hi there! Sorry this took a few days. Happy to mark your work! :)
Here is your original essay without any of my own comments:
Spoiler
Representation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience.
Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world.
Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance.
Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue.
Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.
Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience.
Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world.
Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance.
Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue.
Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.
Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations.
Here is your essay with my own comments written in bold font throughout:
Spoiler
Representation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
love this essay question!
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Your first sentence is really jampacked with good stuff. However, I read it a few times before I understood exactly what was being said. The part that sticks out the most as being the jarring part is the "when explored..." part. To me, this isn't because your words aren't clear, it is simply because it's a lot to digest in one sentence. I think breaking it up, possibly into two sentences, will work for you :)Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. Great! I'm really getting a sense for your sophisticated writing style. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience. Seriously, wonderful work!!
Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed Entailed typically means "necessary or requirement." So I would say, "the task at hand entails a lot of time commitment." Entailed doesn't quite work here. Depending on what you are going for, you could say expected of, shown by, represented by, and similar words like that. by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world. Your response is definitely quite sophisticated. What is lacking is the coherence that would be present if your initial thesis in the introduction was super clear. The thesis is what I commented on earlier, commenting that it might not be totally digestable. When that is really clear, you can make a really conscious effort to include it in every paragraph consistently.
Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance. Again, your language and analysis is sophisticated and flows well. The only thing missing is a direct tie to the thesis in the introduction. You should be really proud of this.
Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue. After two paragraphs of not much feedback, I decided to be extra critical of this paragraph. Your textual evidence isn't as strong as it could be. You talk about the text and it's plot in a very sophisticated way which is wonderful. However, I am left wishing that you made at least three textual references per paragraph so that the paragraph is really meaty. You've analysed the close up shots well. If you can do that twice more, then that's great. If possible, even get a textual reference (quote or otherwise) and find two techniques in it. This makes your analysis even stronger. For example, you could say that a quote uses personification to emphasis emotion, but the second person pronoun to engage the reader, strengthening the emotion further. (Just an example). So if you have the opportunity, you should definitely meat-up your paragraph just that tiny bit more. No one is questioning your understanding of the texts, that is just brilliant. It's a matter of now just absolutely NAILING it and making sure you leave no room for possibility of doubt.
Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores theexploits exploitations the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene is utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.
Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations. It is my advice that conclusions should always be a direct attack on the essay question and that they should not include the names of the texts if possible. The simple reason for this is: The text names start to sound like a list, and you want to leave the marker with a really good taste of your essay in this last instance. Dealing with each text in its own sentence ensures that your conclusion has good length and you are doing justice to each of your arguments.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
love this essay question!
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Your first sentence is really jampacked with good stuff. However, I read it a few times before I understood exactly what was being said. The part that sticks out the most as being the jarring part is the "when explored..." part. To me, this isn't because your words aren't clear, it is simply because it's a lot to digest in one sentence. I think breaking it up, possibly into two sentences, will work for you :)Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. Great! I'm really getting a sense for your sophisticated writing style. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience. Seriously, wonderful work!!
Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed Entailed typically means "necessary or requirement." So I would say, "the task at hand entails a lot of time commitment." Entailed doesn't quite work here. Depending on what you are going for, you could say expected of, shown by, represented by, and similar words like that. by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world. Your response is definitely quite sophisticated. What is lacking is the coherence that would be present if your initial thesis in the introduction was super clear. The thesis is what I commented on earlier, commenting that it might not be totally digestable. When that is really clear, you can make a really conscious effort to include it in every paragraph consistently.
Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance. Again, your language and analysis is sophisticated and flows well. The only thing missing is a direct tie to the thesis in the introduction. You should be really proud of this.
Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue. After two paragraphs of not much feedback, I decided to be extra critical of this paragraph. Your textual evidence isn't as strong as it could be. You talk about the text and it's plot in a very sophisticated way which is wonderful. However, I am left wishing that you made at least three textual references per paragraph so that the paragraph is really meaty. You've analysed the close up shots well. If you can do that twice more, then that's great. If possible, even get a textual reference (quote or otherwise) and find two techniques in it. This makes your analysis even stronger. For example, you could say that a quote uses personification to emphasis emotion, but the second person pronoun to engage the reader, strengthening the emotion further. (Just an example). So if you have the opportunity, you should definitely meat-up your paragraph just that tiny bit more. No one is questioning your understanding of the texts, that is just brilliant. It's a matter of now just absolutely NAILING it and making sure you leave no room for possibility of doubt.
Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the
Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations. It is my advice that conclusions should always be a direct attack on the essay question and that they should not include the names of the texts if possible. The simple reason for this is: The text names start to sound like a list, and you want to leave the marker with a really good taste of your essay in this last instance. Dealing with each text in its own sentence ensures that your conclusion has good length and you are doing justice to each of your arguments.
So, I wrote most of my comments throughout the essay. But, to summarise:
-You deal with representation well. I think you are slightly less adequately dealing with representation as a deliberate act. Obviously every composer does something with a purpose. You've just got to bring that purpose to the surface (ha that rhymes) and show the marker that you're ready to tackle the question.
-The opening thesis needs a bit of work to make sure it is original, unique, and relevant. When that is made more digestable, you can sew it through the rest of the essay really well!
-In each paragraph, aim for three really solid pieces of textual evidence. Your understanding of the text is unquestionable to me, but you want to make sure that every person agrees that your work is so wonderful. Deep textual analysis will usually do that for you.
-Your vocabulary is great! You don't ever sound repetitive.
In all, this is a great essay and you should be very very proud. Coming up to trials, you have the opportunity now to go back and refine a bit more to make sure that you're optimising the sophistication of the essay!
Please let me know if you have any questions. Happy to answer back! Good luck :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 06, 2016, 09:02:53 am
Hey, attached is my mod A essay/speech on Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning, I was wondering what I could do to improve it as I am not sure if its on the right track.
Thanks :)
Hi there! I'll take a look at this now! :)
Essay question:
‘Differences are more revealing than similarities’
To what extent does this view reflect the connections between selected poems from ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese by EEB and The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald?
Your original essay is in the spoiler:
Spoiler
Good morning teachers and fellow peers. Welcome to this Year 12 study day, where I will compare and contrast the poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Over time, the treatment of love has shifted to correspond with the changing morality and attitudes of society. These changing contextual influences have impacted the author’s perspective of this multi-facet emotion. However, there are limitations that restrain this psychological necessity. In both the 19th century revolutionary collection of sonnets, ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (EBB) and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s famous 1925 novel ‘The Great Gatsby’, the similar limitations of love are explored to a great extent. These include the effect of the past and future on the present and the restraints of societal attitudes. Although these limitations are evident in both texts, the changing values of the different time periods have influenced the author’s perspective of love.
Both texts explore how the past and future influences the perspectives and values of an individual, shaping the way love can be limited to a specific time or place. The sonnets of EBB were written in a patriarchal society, which impacted the relationship between a man and a woman. In Sonnet 22, this relationship is explored in terms of physical love and how this type of love is limited to the earthly hours. “A place to stand and love for a day, / With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.” These last two lines suggest that earthly love will only last briefly, due to the ever approaching death. EBB has used alliteration in “darkness” and “death-hour”, reflecting on the dark sounds of Death, however due to the everlasting love between EBB and Robert Browning, she is no longer afraid of this. This is symbolic as she has met with Death several times in her youth, which is referenced in Sonnet 1, “‘Guess now who holds thee?’ --- 'Death’”. Through EBB’s poetry, she considers how love is limited to the present.
Conversely in ‘The Great Gatsby’, the protagonist Jay Gatsby, tries to recapture love that only occurred in the past. “after she was free, they were to go back to Louisville and be married from her house—just as if it were five years ago.” This reflects on Gatsby’s ignorant plans for his future with Daisy, as if they were to continue their relationship from where it was paused. This aligns with the idealistic and materialistic values of the 1920’s, as Gatsby idealizes Daisy so much that he becomes ignorant of the present. Gatsby’s ignorance is also demonstrated when Nick tells him that he cannot repeat the past after Daisy’s long awaited attendance to his party. Gatsby responds, “‘Can’t repeat the past?’ he cried incredulously. ‘Why of course you can.’” This further highlights Gatsby’s insensitivity of how love can change over time, ultimately limiting him from his desire. Both texts extensively explore how the visions of the future are determined by an individual’s past, ultimately limiting their love. However due to their respective contexts, the author has presented a different perspective of this universal theme.
Societal attitudes can limit an individual to who they can love, which are affected by the morals and values of society at the time. Sonnet 32 from EBB’s collection references her age in comparison to her younger lover’s, Robert. “out of tune/ worn viol.” This shows EBB’s perception that she is unworthy of his love because of her age. This confirms the values of the time because in the Victorian era, it was socially unacceptable for an older woman to be in a relationship with a younger man. Sonnet 1 also demonstrates EBB’s thought that she is unworthy of love. “I mused it in his antique tongue.” This follows the allusion of Theocritus in the first line, and references the forgotten language of Ancient Greek, which EBB could read at the age of twenty. The allegory also conveys the universal language that she has forgotten; love. Because she doesn’t know the “antique tongue”, this socially restrains EBB’s ability to love and hence believes she is unworthy of Robert’s love.
On the other hand, the different attitudes to social class are evident in ‘The Great Gatsby’ as it is what becomes destructive between Daisy and Gatsby’s relationship. The American Dream is the view that if an individual works hard enough, their wealth allows them to climb the social ladder. This is what Gatsby attempts to do in order to recapture Daisy’s love. “I thought you inherited money. I did, old sport…but I lost most of it in the big panic – panic of the war.” Although it is obvious that Gatsby is deceitful, shown through the repetition of ‘panic’, Nick still believes his word because of his “smile with a quality of eternal reassurance.” Gatsby’s efforts however are not rewarded with Daisy’s love, as it was done predominantly through the illegal activity of bootlegging, common in the Prohibition era of the 1920s. During the confrontation in the New York apartment, Tom exclaims, “sit back and let Mr Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.” This shows that according to Tom, Gatsby is unworthy of Daisy’s love, because he is not of the same stature as her. Both texts examine the different effects of societal attitudes on love but their respective contexts have shifted the author’s perspective on this limitation.
In conclusion, through a comparative study of the selected poems from ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the differences are more evident due to their respective contexts however explore the similar theme of the limitations of love. ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ explore how love is limited by the earthly hours and by the feeling of unworthiness. However, ‘The Great Gatsby’ explore the limitations of love through the ignorance of the past and the societal attitudes of the 1920s towards love. Thus, it is clear that the differences are more evident in the texts than the similarities due to their corresponding context.
Both texts explore how the past and future influences the perspectives and values of an individual, shaping the way love can be limited to a specific time or place. The sonnets of EBB were written in a patriarchal society, which impacted the relationship between a man and a woman. In Sonnet 22, this relationship is explored in terms of physical love and how this type of love is limited to the earthly hours. “A place to stand and love for a day, / With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.” These last two lines suggest that earthly love will only last briefly, due to the ever approaching death. EBB has used alliteration in “darkness” and “death-hour”, reflecting on the dark sounds of Death, however due to the everlasting love between EBB and Robert Browning, she is no longer afraid of this. This is symbolic as she has met with Death several times in her youth, which is referenced in Sonnet 1, “‘Guess now who holds thee?’ --- 'Death’”. Through EBB’s poetry, she considers how love is limited to the present.
Conversely in ‘The Great Gatsby’, the protagonist Jay Gatsby, tries to recapture love that only occurred in the past. “after she was free, they were to go back to Louisville and be married from her house—just as if it were five years ago.” This reflects on Gatsby’s ignorant plans for his future with Daisy, as if they were to continue their relationship from where it was paused. This aligns with the idealistic and materialistic values of the 1920’s, as Gatsby idealizes Daisy so much that he becomes ignorant of the present. Gatsby’s ignorance is also demonstrated when Nick tells him that he cannot repeat the past after Daisy’s long awaited attendance to his party. Gatsby responds, “‘Can’t repeat the past?’ he cried incredulously. ‘Why of course you can.’” This further highlights Gatsby’s insensitivity of how love can change over time, ultimately limiting him from his desire. Both texts extensively explore how the visions of the future are determined by an individual’s past, ultimately limiting their love. However due to their respective contexts, the author has presented a different perspective of this universal theme.
Societal attitudes can limit an individual to who they can love, which are affected by the morals and values of society at the time. Sonnet 32 from EBB’s collection references her age in comparison to her younger lover’s, Robert. “out of tune/ worn viol.” This shows EBB’s perception that she is unworthy of his love because of her age. This confirms the values of the time because in the Victorian era, it was socially unacceptable for an older woman to be in a relationship with a younger man. Sonnet 1 also demonstrates EBB’s thought that she is unworthy of love. “I mused it in his antique tongue.” This follows the allusion of Theocritus in the first line, and references the forgotten language of Ancient Greek, which EBB could read at the age of twenty. The allegory also conveys the universal language that she has forgotten; love. Because she doesn’t know the “antique tongue”, this socially restrains EBB’s ability to love and hence believes she is unworthy of Robert’s love.
On the other hand, the different attitudes to social class are evident in ‘The Great Gatsby’ as it is what becomes destructive between Daisy and Gatsby’s relationship. The American Dream is the view that if an individual works hard enough, their wealth allows them to climb the social ladder. This is what Gatsby attempts to do in order to recapture Daisy’s love. “I thought you inherited money. I did, old sport…but I lost most of it in the big panic – panic of the war.” Although it is obvious that Gatsby is deceitful, shown through the repetition of ‘panic’, Nick still believes his word because of his “smile with a quality of eternal reassurance.” Gatsby’s efforts however are not rewarded with Daisy’s love, as it was done predominantly through the illegal activity of bootlegging, common in the Prohibition era of the 1920s. During the confrontation in the New York apartment, Tom exclaims, “sit back and let Mr Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.” This shows that according to Tom, Gatsby is unworthy of Daisy’s love, because he is not of the same stature as her. Both texts examine the different effects of societal attitudes on love but their respective contexts have shifted the author’s perspective on this limitation.
In conclusion, through a comparative study of the selected poems from ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the differences are more evident due to their respective contexts however explore the similar theme of the limitations of love. ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ explore how love is limited by the earthly hours and by the feeling of unworthiness. However, ‘The Great Gatsby’ explore the limitations of love through the ignorance of the past and the societal attitudes of the 1920s towards love. Thus, it is clear that the differences are more evident in the texts than the similarities due to their corresponding context.
And in this spoiler, is your essay with my own words in bold font:
Spoiler
Good morning teachers and fellow peers. Welcome to this Year 12 study day, where I will compare and contrast the poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Over time, the treatment of love has shifted to correspond with the changing morality and attitudes of society. These changing contextual influences have impacted the author’s perspective of this multi-facet emotion. I'm curious - is love best defined as an emotion? However, there are limitations that restrain this psychological necessity. In both the 19th century revolutionary collection of sonnets, ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (EBB) and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s famous 1925 novel ‘The Great Gatsby’, the similar limitations of love are explored to a great extent. These include the effect of the past and future on the present and the restraints of societal attitudes. Although these limitations are evident in both texts, the changing values of the different time periods have influenced the author’s perspective of love. At this point I don't think you're tackling the question head on. You're definitely using it as a map, I can see references to it in the intro. However, I think it is most important that you talk specifically about your own understanding of similarities and differences and which is more revealing.
Both texts explore how the past and future influences the perspectives and values of an individual, shaping the way love can be limited to a specific time or place. The sonnets of EBB were written in a patriarchal society, which impacted the relationship between a man and a woman. In Sonnet 22, this relationship is explored in terms of physical love and how this type of love is limited to the earthly hours. “A place to stand and love for a day, / With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.” These last two lines suggest that earthly love will only last briefly, due to the ever approaching death. EBB has used alliteration in “darkness” and “death-hour”, reflecting on the dark sounds of Death, however due to the everlasting love between EBB and Robert Browning, she is no longer afraid of this. This is symbolic as she has met with Death several times in her youth, which is referenced in Sonnet 1, “‘Guess now who holds thee?’ --- 'Death’”. Through EBB’s poetry, she considers how love is limited to the present.
Conversely in ‘The Great Gatsby’, the protagonist Jay Gatsby, tries to recapture love that only occurred in the past. “after she was free, they were to go back to Louisville and be married from her house—just as if it were five years ago.” This reflects on Gatsby’s ignorant plans for his future with Daisy, as if they were to continue their relationship from where it was paused. This aligns with the idealistic and materialistic values of the 1920’s, as Gatsby idealizes Daisy so much that he becomes ignorant of the present. Gatsby’s ignorance is also demonstrated when Nick tells him that he cannot repeat the past after Daisy’s long awaited attendance to his party. Gatsby responds, “‘Can’t repeat the past?’ he cried incredulously. ‘Why of course you can.’” This further highlights Gatsby’s insensitivity of how love can change over time, ultimately limiting him from his desire. Both texts extensively explore how the visions of the future are determined by an individual’s past, ultimately limiting their love. However due to their respective contexts, the author has presented a different perspective of this universal theme.Your textual analysis and comparison is really strong. You need to be commended for that! However, the attack on the question about differences or similarities being more revealing needs some strengthening. Because this is a speech, you have the freedom to propose rhetorical questions to the audience, prompting them to consider which they think is more revealing. This can be a discussion more than an exposition if you want it to be. The speech element of this assessment gives you a bit of flexibility.
Societal attitudes can limit an individual to who they can love, which are affected by the morals and values of society at the time. Sonnet 32 from EBB’s collection references her age in comparison to her younger lover’s, Robert. “out of tune/ worn viol.” This shows EBB’s perception that she is unworthy of his love because of her age. This confirms the values of the time because in the Victorian era, it was socially unacceptable for an older woman to be in a relationship with a younger man. Sonnet 1 also demonstrates EBB’s thought that she is unworthy of love. “I mused it in his antique tongue.” This follows the allusion of Theocritus in the first line, and references the forgotten language of Ancient Greek, which EBB could read at the age of twenty. The allegory also conveys the universal language that she has forgotten; love. Because she doesn’t know the “antique tongue”, this socially restrains EBB’s ability to love and hence believes she is unworthy of Robert’s love.
On the other hand, This expression works because it is a speech. It wouldn't fly so smoothly in an essay. the different attitudes to social class are evident in ‘The Great Gatsby’ as it is what becomes destructive between Daisy and Gatsby’s relationship. The American Dream is the view that if an individual works hard enough, their wealth allows them to climb the social ladder. This is what Gatsby attempts to do in order to recapture Daisy’s love. “I thought you inherited money. I did, old sport…but I lost most of it in the big panic – panic of the war.” Although it is obvious that Gatsby is deceitful, shown through the repetition of ‘panic’, Nick still believes his word because of his “smile with a quality of eternal reassurance.” Gatsby’s efforts however are not rewarded with Daisy’s love, as it was done predominantly through the illegal activity of bootlegging, common in the Prohibition era of the 1920s. During the confrontation in the New York apartment, Tom exclaims, “sit back and let Mr Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.” This shows that according to Tom, Gatsby is unworthy of Daisy’s love, because he is not of the same stature as her. Both texts examine the different effects of societal attitudes on love but their respective contexts have shifted the author’s perspective on this limitation.
In conclusion, through a comparative study of the selected poems from ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the differences are more evident due to their respective contexts however explore the similar theme of the limitations of love.This is a good take on the question! ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ explore how love is limited by the earthly hours and by the feeling of unworthiness. However, ‘The Great Gatsby’ explore the limitations of love through the ignorance of the past and the societal attitudes of the 1920s towards love. Thus, it is clear that the differences are more evident in the texts than the similarities due to their corresponding context. A possibility for this conclusion is to state your opinion on the essay question, as you have done. But then turn to the audience and ask if they agree (rhetorical question). Then, you can recap some of the main arguments in a sort of listing form because the nature of a speech allows you to do that. If you're criteria involves requirements to present engagingly, this might be worth exploring. But if you aren't marked on delivery, then you can ignore my suggestion :P
Both texts explore how the past and future influences the perspectives and values of an individual, shaping the way love can be limited to a specific time or place. The sonnets of EBB were written in a patriarchal society, which impacted the relationship between a man and a woman. In Sonnet 22, this relationship is explored in terms of physical love and how this type of love is limited to the earthly hours. “A place to stand and love for a day, / With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.” These last two lines suggest that earthly love will only last briefly, due to the ever approaching death. EBB has used alliteration in “darkness” and “death-hour”, reflecting on the dark sounds of Death, however due to the everlasting love between EBB and Robert Browning, she is no longer afraid of this. This is symbolic as she has met with Death several times in her youth, which is referenced in Sonnet 1, “‘Guess now who holds thee?’ --- 'Death’”. Through EBB’s poetry, she considers how love is limited to the present.
Conversely in ‘The Great Gatsby’, the protagonist Jay Gatsby, tries to recapture love that only occurred in the past. “after she was free, they were to go back to Louisville and be married from her house—just as if it were five years ago.” This reflects on Gatsby’s ignorant plans for his future with Daisy, as if they were to continue their relationship from where it was paused. This aligns with the idealistic and materialistic values of the 1920’s, as Gatsby idealizes Daisy so much that he becomes ignorant of the present. Gatsby’s ignorance is also demonstrated when Nick tells him that he cannot repeat the past after Daisy’s long awaited attendance to his party. Gatsby responds, “‘Can’t repeat the past?’ he cried incredulously. ‘Why of course you can.’” This further highlights Gatsby’s insensitivity of how love can change over time, ultimately limiting him from his desire. Both texts extensively explore how the visions of the future are determined by an individual’s past, ultimately limiting their love. However due to their respective contexts, the author has presented a different perspective of this universal theme.Your textual analysis and comparison is really strong. You need to be commended for that! However, the attack on the question about differences or similarities being more revealing needs some strengthening. Because this is a speech, you have the freedom to propose rhetorical questions to the audience, prompting them to consider which they think is more revealing. This can be a discussion more than an exposition if you want it to be. The speech element of this assessment gives you a bit of flexibility.
Societal attitudes can limit an individual to who they can love, which are affected by the morals and values of society at the time. Sonnet 32 from EBB’s collection references her age in comparison to her younger lover’s, Robert. “out of tune/ worn viol.” This shows EBB’s perception that she is unworthy of his love because of her age. This confirms the values of the time because in the Victorian era, it was socially unacceptable for an older woman to be in a relationship with a younger man. Sonnet 1 also demonstrates EBB’s thought that she is unworthy of love. “I mused it in his antique tongue.” This follows the allusion of Theocritus in the first line, and references the forgotten language of Ancient Greek, which EBB could read at the age of twenty. The allegory also conveys the universal language that she has forgotten; love. Because she doesn’t know the “antique tongue”, this socially restrains EBB’s ability to love and hence believes she is unworthy of Robert’s love.
On the other hand, This expression works because it is a speech. It wouldn't fly so smoothly in an essay. the different attitudes to social class are evident in ‘The Great Gatsby’ as it is what becomes destructive between Daisy and Gatsby’s relationship. The American Dream is the view that if an individual works hard enough, their wealth allows them to climb the social ladder. This is what Gatsby attempts to do in order to recapture Daisy’s love. “I thought you inherited money. I did, old sport…but I lost most of it in the big panic – panic of the war.” Although it is obvious that Gatsby is deceitful, shown through the repetition of ‘panic’, Nick still believes his word because of his “smile with a quality of eternal reassurance.” Gatsby’s efforts however are not rewarded with Daisy’s love, as it was done predominantly through the illegal activity of bootlegging, common in the Prohibition era of the 1920s. During the confrontation in the New York apartment, Tom exclaims, “sit back and let Mr Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.” This shows that according to Tom, Gatsby is unworthy of Daisy’s love, because he is not of the same stature as her. Both texts examine the different effects of societal attitudes on love but their respective contexts have shifted the author’s perspective on this limitation.
In conclusion, through a comparative study of the selected poems from ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the differences are more evident due to their respective contexts however explore the similar theme of the limitations of love.This is a good take on the question! ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ explore how love is limited by the earthly hours and by the feeling of unworthiness. However, ‘The Great Gatsby’ explore the limitations of love through the ignorance of the past and the societal attitudes of the 1920s towards love. Thus, it is clear that the differences are more evident in the texts than the similarities due to their corresponding context. A possibility for this conclusion is to state your opinion on the essay question, as you have done. But then turn to the audience and ask if they agree (rhetorical question). Then, you can recap some of the main arguments in a sort of listing form because the nature of a speech allows you to do that. If you're criteria involves requirements to present engagingly, this might be worth exploring. But if you aren't marked on delivery, then you can ignore my suggestion :P
Please let me know if any of this doesn't make sense. Hopefully it does! Post back any questions you have. You should be really stoked with this :)
Post by: Adriaclya on June 06, 2016, 03:14:46 pm
Post by: liiz on June 06, 2016, 06:36:12 pm
Spoiler
How does the study of Metropolis and 1984 enrich your understanding of control? Must refer to context, intertextual perspectives and themes. Study how meaning is conveyed through context, characterisation, imagery and symbolism in both texts. Show how the context of the visual and prose texts reflect specific perspectives
Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) are two dystopian texts that, respectively, elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment. As a result, both Lang and Orwell have developed an insightful representation of the abuse of power, at the extremes of totalitarian and fascist regimes. Their different perspectives on similar content, however, highlight the values and attitudes of the composer’s time period. Thus, through a comparative study of Metropolis and 1984, the responder can gain a greater appreciation for how intertextual perspectives shape meaning within literature. Furthermore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control to be an influential power on societal relations that is only exacerbated when paired with technology.
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis and 1984. Lang’s 1927 silent film reflects upon the context of Germany’s Weimar Republic, following WWI, whereby authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the futuristic set design of the upper echelons of society and the dark, bleak conditions found underground. Influenced by the time period, the art-deco style of the city is characterised by precise and boldly delineated geometric shapes. Although nothing like Germany at the time, the city held similarities to the vast physical dimensions of rapidly expanding cities further west, such as New York. The film explores how the decadence and delights of modern cities is built, quite literally, on inequality. Worker’s painstakingly toil below to support the city’s operation, emphasised through Lang’s use of chiaroscuro lighting and contrasting costuming between the dark uniforms of workers to the light outfits of the elite. Audiences emphasise with the exhausted workers as they trudge in stylised, synchronised columns during the shift-change. Wide shots and melodious non-diegetic music capture the upper class running freely in “The Eternal Gardens.” To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation, power, corruption and control. This is further highlighted through the biblical imagery of the Tower of Babel, in the centre of the metropolis. Symbolic of German expressionism, the visual iconography is used to construct the ideological message of Fredersen’s power and god-like status. Additionally, shots of the small city below demonstrate his dominance and control over the lower classes. “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” is emblematic of man’s hubris and mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation. Whilst the struggle between social divisions is made apparent, Lang’s film depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of hands and heads. As noted by Maria, “Between the mind that plans and the hands that build, there must be a mediator… the heart.” Freder eventually becomes the mediator between Fredersen and the workers in order for them to co-exist peacefully and build a stable, positive future as signified by their handshake. As such, whilst Lang reflects upon the imbalances of power and control that occurred within the historical context, he provides an optimistic ending based on mutual cooperation between the classes - an ideology that was beginning to take shape in Europe. In comparison, Orwell’s 1984 did not posit such hope and romanticism upon industrialisation. He saw states that were run by totalitarian dictators, such as Stalin and Hitler, as inherently dangerous for populations because the leaders would serve themselves and their interests before the people. Therefore, the different contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four provide a strong case for how time and place influences meaning.
Nonetheless, like Metropolis, Orwell’s novel written in 1949, enriches audiences understanding of how control and power can impact societal relations. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by Big Brother and the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any individual’s thoughts that go against the party and their beliefs in “Ingsoc”, or English Socialism. Furthermore, the idea that “who controls the past controls the present” held by the Party accounts for how they rewrite history in the hypocritically-named “Ministry of Truth” in order to maintain their hierarchical position above the rest of society. This is particularly applied to the proles as “The party taught that [they] were natural inferiors who must be kept in subjugation.” Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were [the party’s] slaves” echoes Metropolis and conveys how the excessive use of power and control by the upper party creates social divisions. Additionally, Orwell reflects upon the period following the war, and the way in which leaders instilled hate and violence within their societies against outcasts. Mirroring the fierce anti-semitism and Nuremberg Nazi Hate rallies in Germany and creating allusions to WWI through the Jewish name, Emmanuel Goldstein as the leader of the opposition, Winston describes that “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic.” As such, the excessive power and control that the Party use to create the social hierarchy is as a result of their indoctrination and manipulation, as done by some governments in the 20th century. The imperative and emphatic language in “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” further emphasises the Party’s psychological power over the state as the propaganda is never questioned. Anyone that did, “simply disappeared and were never heard of again.” This sense of absolute control, derived from fear, echoes the horrific events taken place during WWII. It is clear that Metropolis and 1984 both explore the idea of excessive control and the way in which it can influence societal relations and class structure, in a slightly different light. Therefore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of control as well as appreciate the value that context can give to literature.
The detrimental outcomes when control is exerted through technology provide the foundations to Metropolis and 1984. Technological advances in Metropolis symbolically represent humanity’s achievements of the 20th century. However, Lang illustrates his concern for humanity when there is an over-reliance on technology. In the famous Moloch scene, a low angle shot of the monstrous machine, from Freder’s perspective, make its central position, size and symmetry an even more intimidating sight. Lang’s directorial demand for exaggerated facial expressions by the workers as well as flashing lights and increasingly dramatic music communicate that a mechanical crisis is imminent. After an explosion, the low camera angle is raised so that the higher levels of the machine can now be seen and Moloch, the ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape. In this powerful scene, Lang fuses the pagan past with a capitalist present whereby the masses are still exploited and dehumanised to meet the needs of the powerful elite. The composer offers a warning of what can happen where there is an over-reliance on technology, and the dehumanisation it causes. Viewers are also forced to feel that they are components of the machine with repetitive expressionist montages of heavy industrial equipment, whilst the workers appear to be no more than automatons as their robotic movements mirror the mechanical movement of the machines they tend. In Metropolis, the danger of idolising technology also becomes a contextual trigger for class conflict and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, blurs the boundaries between human and machine and comes to symbolise the “seven deadly sins.” The workers who rise to cyborg Maria’s call to destroy the machines, unknowingly leave their children behind in peril when their rampage causes flooding. The music reaches a crescendo as the youth struggle to stay above the rising water, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and anxiety. Whilst taking control of the present, Lang shows how the future, that the children represent, may be sacrificed through such frenzied rebellion. As such, the different perspectives that both composers hold on rebellion as a result of excessive control and use of technology emphasis the values held by society of the time period, yet have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of similar content.
Technology plays an extensive role in how control is employed by the Party in Orwell’s novel, 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through the technological advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police. Orwell’s fear for technology was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. Audiences understand this through the fear-provoking language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead” with nothing “except for a few cubic centimetres inside [their] skull” being their own. Winston’s rebellion stems from this complete control and watchful eye of the Party. His actions are significantly different to the frantic scenes in Metropolis, as he carries out quite ordinary activities - a love affair, consuming “real” coffee and questioning the Party’s claim that “two plus two make five.” However, the climax of the novel in “Room 101” sees Winston’s personal rebellion to destabilise an entrenched despotic regime, being undermined by O’Brian. The process is explicitly confronting, making readers imagine themselves in Winston’s torture chamber and identifying with his suffering. In the end, the protagonist’s total subjugation and the Party’s “victory” over him is confirmed by the helpless, dejected tone - “He loved Big Brother.” As such, 1984 reveals the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime exacerbated by the use of technology, that Orwell saw in his post-WWII environment. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and grim outcomes of excessive control on society when technology is introduced through 1984, and gain a different perspective from Metropolis.
Exploring the excesses of totalitarian regimes and reflecting on the horrors of war at the time each text were constructed, Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are devoid from the societies they illustrate. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four critically explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, oppressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control as being an influence on social relations and stability as well as how such detrimental outcomes are only exacerbated through the use of technology.
Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) are two dystopian texts that, respectively, elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment. As a result, both Lang and Orwell have developed an insightful representation of the abuse of power, at the extremes of totalitarian and fascist regimes. Their different perspectives on similar content, however, highlight the values and attitudes of the composer’s time period. Thus, through a comparative study of Metropolis and 1984, the responder can gain a greater appreciation for how intertextual perspectives shape meaning within literature. Furthermore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control to be an influential power on societal relations that is only exacerbated when paired with technology.
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis and 1984. Lang’s 1927 silent film reflects upon the context of Germany’s Weimar Republic, following WWI, whereby authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the futuristic set design of the upper echelons of society and the dark, bleak conditions found underground. Influenced by the time period, the art-deco style of the city is characterised by precise and boldly delineated geometric shapes. Although nothing like Germany at the time, the city held similarities to the vast physical dimensions of rapidly expanding cities further west, such as New York. The film explores how the decadence and delights of modern cities is built, quite literally, on inequality. Worker’s painstakingly toil below to support the city’s operation, emphasised through Lang’s use of chiaroscuro lighting and contrasting costuming between the dark uniforms of workers to the light outfits of the elite. Audiences emphasise with the exhausted workers as they trudge in stylised, synchronised columns during the shift-change. Wide shots and melodious non-diegetic music capture the upper class running freely in “The Eternal Gardens.” To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation, power, corruption and control. This is further highlighted through the biblical imagery of the Tower of Babel, in the centre of the metropolis. Symbolic of German expressionism, the visual iconography is used to construct the ideological message of Fredersen’s power and god-like status. Additionally, shots of the small city below demonstrate his dominance and control over the lower classes. “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” is emblematic of man’s hubris and mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation. Whilst the struggle between social divisions is made apparent, Lang’s film depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of hands and heads. As noted by Maria, “Between the mind that plans and the hands that build, there must be a mediator… the heart.” Freder eventually becomes the mediator between Fredersen and the workers in order for them to co-exist peacefully and build a stable, positive future as signified by their handshake. As such, whilst Lang reflects upon the imbalances of power and control that occurred within the historical context, he provides an optimistic ending based on mutual cooperation between the classes - an ideology that was beginning to take shape in Europe. In comparison, Orwell’s 1984 did not posit such hope and romanticism upon industrialisation. He saw states that were run by totalitarian dictators, such as Stalin and Hitler, as inherently dangerous for populations because the leaders would serve themselves and their interests before the people. Therefore, the different contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four provide a strong case for how time and place influences meaning.
Nonetheless, like Metropolis, Orwell’s novel written in 1949, enriches audiences understanding of how control and power can impact societal relations. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by Big Brother and the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any individual’s thoughts that go against the party and their beliefs in “Ingsoc”, or English Socialism. Furthermore, the idea that “who controls the past controls the present” held by the Party accounts for how they rewrite history in the hypocritically-named “Ministry of Truth” in order to maintain their hierarchical position above the rest of society. This is particularly applied to the proles as “The party taught that [they] were natural inferiors who must be kept in subjugation.” Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were [the party’s] slaves” echoes Metropolis and conveys how the excessive use of power and control by the upper party creates social divisions. Additionally, Orwell reflects upon the period following the war, and the way in which leaders instilled hate and violence within their societies against outcasts. Mirroring the fierce anti-semitism and Nuremberg Nazi Hate rallies in Germany and creating allusions to WWI through the Jewish name, Emmanuel Goldstein as the leader of the opposition, Winston describes that “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic.” As such, the excessive power and control that the Party use to create the social hierarchy is as a result of their indoctrination and manipulation, as done by some governments in the 20th century. The imperative and emphatic language in “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” further emphasises the Party’s psychological power over the state as the propaganda is never questioned. Anyone that did, “simply disappeared and were never heard of again.” This sense of absolute control, derived from fear, echoes the horrific events taken place during WWII. It is clear that Metropolis and 1984 both explore the idea of excessive control and the way in which it can influence societal relations and class structure, in a slightly different light. Therefore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of control as well as appreciate the value that context can give to literature.
The detrimental outcomes when control is exerted through technology provide the foundations to Metropolis and 1984. Technological advances in Metropolis symbolically represent humanity’s achievements of the 20th century. However, Lang illustrates his concern for humanity when there is an over-reliance on technology. In the famous Moloch scene, a low angle shot of the monstrous machine, from Freder’s perspective, make its central position, size and symmetry an even more intimidating sight. Lang’s directorial demand for exaggerated facial expressions by the workers as well as flashing lights and increasingly dramatic music communicate that a mechanical crisis is imminent. After an explosion, the low camera angle is raised so that the higher levels of the machine can now be seen and Moloch, the ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape. In this powerful scene, Lang fuses the pagan past with a capitalist present whereby the masses are still exploited and dehumanised to meet the needs of the powerful elite. The composer offers a warning of what can happen where there is an over-reliance on technology, and the dehumanisation it causes. Viewers are also forced to feel that they are components of the machine with repetitive expressionist montages of heavy industrial equipment, whilst the workers appear to be no more than automatons as their robotic movements mirror the mechanical movement of the machines they tend. In Metropolis, the danger of idolising technology also becomes a contextual trigger for class conflict and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, blurs the boundaries between human and machine and comes to symbolise the “seven deadly sins.” The workers who rise to cyborg Maria’s call to destroy the machines, unknowingly leave their children behind in peril when their rampage causes flooding. The music reaches a crescendo as the youth struggle to stay above the rising water, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and anxiety. Whilst taking control of the present, Lang shows how the future, that the children represent, may be sacrificed through such frenzied rebellion. As such, the different perspectives that both composers hold on rebellion as a result of excessive control and use of technology emphasis the values held by society of the time period, yet have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of similar content.
Technology plays an extensive role in how control is employed by the Party in Orwell’s novel, 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through the technological advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police. Orwell’s fear for technology was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. Audiences understand this through the fear-provoking language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead” with nothing “except for a few cubic centimetres inside [their] skull” being their own. Winston’s rebellion stems from this complete control and watchful eye of the Party. His actions are significantly different to the frantic scenes in Metropolis, as he carries out quite ordinary activities - a love affair, consuming “real” coffee and questioning the Party’s claim that “two plus two make five.” However, the climax of the novel in “Room 101” sees Winston’s personal rebellion to destabilise an entrenched despotic regime, being undermined by O’Brian. The process is explicitly confronting, making readers imagine themselves in Winston’s torture chamber and identifying with his suffering. In the end, the protagonist’s total subjugation and the Party’s “victory” over him is confirmed by the helpless, dejected tone - “He loved Big Brother.” As such, 1984 reveals the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime exacerbated by the use of technology, that Orwell saw in his post-WWII environment. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and grim outcomes of excessive control on society when technology is introduced through 1984, and gain a different perspective from Metropolis.
Exploring the excesses of totalitarian regimes and reflecting on the horrors of war at the time each text were constructed, Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are devoid from the societies they illustrate. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four critically explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, oppressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control as being an influence on social relations and stability as well as how such detrimental outcomes are only exacerbated through the use of technology.
Post by: FallonXay on June 06, 2016, 08:05:41 pm
Hi there! Sorry this took a few days. Happy to mark your work! :)
Here is your original essay without any of my own comments:SpoilerRepresentation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience.
Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world.
Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance.
Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue.
Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.
Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations.
Here is your essay with my own comments written in bold font throughout:SpoilerRepresentation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
love this essay question!
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Your first sentence is really jampacked with good stuff. However, I read it a few times before I understood exactly what was being said. The part that sticks out the most as being the jarring part is the "when explored..." part. To me, this isn't because your words aren't clear, it is simply because it's a lot to digest in one sentence. I think breaking it up, possibly into two sentences, will work for you :)Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. Great! I'm really getting a sense for your sophisticated writing style. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience. Seriously, wonderful work!!
Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed Entailed typically means "necessary or requirement." So I would say, "the task at hand entails a lot of time commitment." Entailed doesn't quite work here. Depending on what you are going for, you could say expected of, shown by, represented by, and similar words like that. by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world. Your response is definitely quite sophisticated. What is lacking is the coherence that would be present if your initial thesis in the introduction was super clear. The thesis is what I commented on earlier, commenting that it might not be totally digestable. When that is really clear, you can make a really conscious effort to include it in every paragraph consistently.
Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance. Again, your language and analysis is sophisticated and flows well. The only thing missing is a direct tie to the thesis in the introduction. You should be really proud of this.
Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue. After two paragraphs of not much feedback, I decided to be extra critical of this paragraph. Your textual evidence isn't as strong as it could be. You talk about the text and it's plot in a very sophisticated way which is wonderful. However, I am left wishing that you made at least three textual references per paragraph so that the paragraph is really meaty. You've analysed the close up shots well. If you can do that twice more, then that's great. If possible, even get a textual reference (quote or otherwise) and find two techniques in it. This makes your analysis even stronger. For example, you could say that a quote uses personification to emphasis emotion, but the second person pronoun to engage the reader, strengthening the emotion further. (Just an example). So if you have the opportunity, you should definitely meat-up your paragraph just that tiny bit more. No one is questioning your understanding of the texts, that is just brilliant. It's a matter of now just absolutely NAILING it and making sure you leave no room for possibility of doubt.
Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores theexploitsexploitations the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene is utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.
Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations. It is my advice that conclusions should always be a direct attack on the essay question and that they should not include the names of the texts if possible. The simple reason for this is: The text names start to sound like a list, and you want to leave the marker with a really good taste of your essay in this last instance. Dealing with each text in its own sentence ensures that your conclusion has good length and you are doing justice to each of your arguments.
So, I wrote most of my comments throughout the essay. But, to summarise:
-You deal with representation well. I think you are slightly less adequately dealing with representation as a deliberate act. Obviously every composer does something with a purpose. You've just got to bring that purpose to the surface (ha that rhymes) and show the marker that you're ready to tackle the question.
-The opening thesis needs a bit of work to make sure it is original, unique, and relevant. When that is made more digestable, you can sew it through the rest of the essay really well!
-In each paragraph, aim for three really solid pieces of textual evidence. Your understanding of the text is unquestionable to me, but you want to make sure that every person agrees that your work is so wonderful. Deep textual analysis will usually do that for you.
-Your vocabulary is great! You don't ever sound repetitive.
In all, this is a great essay and you should be very very proud. Coming up to trials, you have the opportunity now to go back and refine a bit more to make sure that you're optimising the sophistication of the essay!
Please let me know if you have any questions. Happy to answer back! Good luck :)
Firstly, I would like to say, thank you so much for taking the time to read and provide feedback on my essay! It really is appreciated ^.^
I'm just a bit confused with how I would deal with each text separately in the conclusion since the two texts share a common perspective. Wouldn't the conclusion sound repetetive if I split up the two texts into separate sentences and write about their representations, since they hold the same representation?
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 06, 2016, 09:14:09 pm
MOD C
-be harsh please
-Do i need more analysis/deeper links/better vocab/better links to the question/different analysis as the ones as the quotes and techniques i chose are bad/
-I think my paragraphs are a bit long so could you tell me what to cut out/replace
-Thanks :)
- note) I left out a conclusion on purpose
Hey there! I'll definitely have a look specifically for things you've mentioned :)
Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Evaluate how representations of political events and actions alter the way in which people perceive politics and political figures
Intro -
Politics is a multifaceted concept that can revolve around either the ascension to power or as a means to exercise democracy in order to benefit society. However, to a large extent, governments and individuals alike use deceitful tactics to affect the semblance of truth thus altering the way in which the public view certain individuals and events. Seriously, this is such an impressive introduction. You don't just leave it at one sentence, but you provide another to flesh out later on. Seriously good! Trying to suggest this style of intro to people is probably the thing I comment most on essays! You've already got it covered :)Such a conception is evinced in Barry Levinson’s postmodern film Wag the Dog (1997). Set in the aftermath of the Gulf War, Wag the dog presents a satirical vision and commentary on the relative ease in which manipulation and the distortion of truth can alter the verisimilitude of a political event thus rendering the public oblivious to the veracity of truth. Such representations of the governance of countries are fundamentally important as they create a “call to arms” for individuals to think about, and be critical of their governments so that political lies can be exposed and change can be affected. This was really easy to read. Seriously, I could just glide through it. Brilliant work!
Manipulation –
Wag the Dog emphasisesupon the importance of manipulation to achieve political machinations, It is important to have a comma after "machinations." This type of comma is called an oxford comma, and here is a good example of where it should be used. The reason is, I read "machinations and construes" as a paired noun - then I realised, consrues isn't a noun? I'm only talking to you about the oxford comma because I know already that your work is great. So this is a simple thing to be aware of :) and construes this as vital in order to mask truths from the public in order to preserve a reputable image for the government. This is most easily seen through the construction of a fake war against Albania by Conrad Brean and Stanley Motss who aim to divert public attention away from the Presidents purported sexual scandal. This is explicated from the start through the symbolism of the title ‘Wag the Dog’ which ponders on the subject of instrumentality and refers to where a bigger part, in this case the government controlling the smaller part, the public. It is clear that the spin doctors, Brean and Motts are in control at all times through the motif of surveillance cameras and panoptic angles which symbolises how the public’s world is rendered constantly visible. As a result, the government knows how and when to play to the publics concerns in order to keep them distracted from pressing issues. However, manipulation is mainly presented through use of media and merchandising of the war which is purposefully done as a sardonic means of mocking the then state of politics. The close up shot used presenting a man wearing a shirt that reads ‘Fu*k Albania’, alongside Brean stating “It is real, I’m watching it on TV”, emphasises upon the salience that the media has upon the decisions and perspectives individuals hold and thus reveals their impulse to accept information without considering its source. As a result Brean and Motts can essentially hand-pick what they want the public to see. The consequence of this is seen as the end where a reporter claims the government is “sending planes and troops back in to finish the job”, thus portraying how a manufactured lie can become a reality. The representation of the Albanian war as being a distraction from the election allows the public to inadvertently forget about who they want to vote for and moreover the presidents sexual scandal. Therefore...*link to essay question explicitly here*
Distortion of truth –
The distortion of truth is seen as hegemonic in Wag the Dog, as it is conveyed as the easiest method in altering the way in which the public perceived the president. This is manifested through Conrad Brean who is also referred to by the epithet “Mr fix it” thus emphasising upon his successful ability to mend tense political situations. Not only does his fast paced dialogue demonstrate the relative ease of his task but his continual use of rhetoric “What difference does it make if its true?” illustrates his lack of ethical concern for his alteration of public opinion and establishes his lack of restriction in duping the public. In order to distort truth Brean plays on a sense of American patriotism to unify Americans into thinking that the Albanian war is real and a matter of concern. This is exemplified through the death of the ‘phony war hero’ Schumann where the contrast between the darkness under the coffin and the light shining on the soldiers giving a salute manifests how the truth about Shuman being a phony is concealed and is portrayed to the masses as a time of sorrow instead. This is furthered through the visual juxtaposition between the blue screen and the computer creating CGI images. This altered reality demonstrates a tainting in the semblance of truth and shows how the war is just an illusion and a distortion of truth to keep the public preoccupied. This is highlighted through Brean’s repetition, (comma, no need for "in" in “just got to distract them” and his staccato sentencing “why do people go to war? If there’s no threat what good are you”, where his nonchalant tone emphasises upon his lake of care regarding his unethical pragmatic methods in forsaking the integrity of truth. As a result, when inundated with a manufactured reality the reality has become obsessed over a fantasy which in turn has caused them to forget the president’s sexual scandal but rather has the public see the president as the forerunner in protecting them from an international threat.
Intro -
Politics is a multifaceted concept that can revolve around either the ascension to power or as a means to exercise democracy in order to benefit society. However, to a large extent, governments and individuals alike use deceitful tactics to affect the semblance of truth thus altering the way in which the public view certain individuals and events. Seriously, this is such an impressive introduction. You don't just leave it at one sentence, but you provide another to flesh out later on. Seriously good! Trying to suggest this style of intro to people is probably the thing I comment most on essays! You've already got it covered :)Such a conception is evinced in Barry Levinson’s postmodern film Wag the Dog (1997). Set in the aftermath of the Gulf War, Wag the dog presents a satirical vision and commentary on the relative ease in which manipulation and the distortion of truth can alter the verisimilitude of a political event thus rendering the public oblivious to the veracity of truth. Such representations of the governance of countries are fundamentally important as they create a “call to arms” for individuals to think about, and be critical of their governments so that political lies can be exposed and change can be affected. This was really easy to read. Seriously, I could just glide through it. Brilliant work!
Manipulation –
Wag the Dog emphasises
Distortion of truth –
The distortion of truth is seen as hegemonic in Wag the Dog, as it is conveyed as the easiest method in altering the way in which the public perceived the president. This is manifested through Conrad Brean who is also referred to by the epithet “Mr fix it” thus emphasising upon his successful ability to mend tense political situations. Not only does his fast paced dialogue demonstrate the relative ease of his task but his continual use of rhetoric “What difference does it make if its true?” illustrates his lack of ethical concern for his alteration of public opinion and establishes his lack of restriction in duping the public. In order to distort truth Brean plays on a sense of American patriotism to unify Americans into thinking that the Albanian war is real and a matter of concern. This is exemplified through the death of the ‘phony war hero’ Schumann where the contrast between the darkness under the coffin and the light shining on the soldiers giving a salute manifests how the truth about Shuman being a phony is concealed and is portrayed to the masses as a time of sorrow instead. This is furthered through the visual juxtaposition between the blue screen and the computer creating CGI images. This altered reality demonstrates a tainting in the semblance of truth and shows how the war is just an illusion and a distortion of truth to keep the public preoccupied. This is highlighted through Brean’s repetition, (comma, no need for "in" in “just got to distract them” and his staccato sentencing “why do people go to war? If there’s no threat what good are you”, where his nonchalant tone emphasises upon his lake of care regarding his unethical pragmatic methods in forsaking the integrity of truth. As a result, when inundated with a manufactured reality the reality has become obsessed over a fantasy which in turn has caused them to forget the president’s sexual scandal but rather has the public see the president as the forerunner in protecting them from an international threat.
This is AMAZING!!!!!!!!
You should be so proud of this. You have successfully created an original and very unique thesis. You have nailed each and every analysis you have offered. You've dug deeper than the analysis of a text that you can find online. Every sentence has a purpose here - you don't just narrate. You are constantly analysing and drawing connections between each and every point you make.
I'm sorry I don't have more feedback for you! Everything you pointed out at the start fails to be any kind of issue! I'd be very interested to see your conclusion. You really want to bring it all home strong! Congratulations on a great essay. Keep me posted! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 06, 2016, 11:11:27 pm
Firstly, I would like to say, thank you so much for taking the time to read and provide feedback on my essay! It really is appreciated ^.^
I'm just a bit confused with how I would deal with each text separately in the conclusion since the two texts share a common perspective. Wouldn't the conclusion sound repetetive if I split up the two texts into separate sentences and write about their representations, since they hold the same representation?
Hey hey! I read Elyse's feedback, and while I don't totally agree with the "don't mention the names of the texts" part of the feedback (my preference, no specific reason for it), what I think Elyse is touching on is to be very conceptual with the conclusion. Don't just list the texts; say the concept first, link it to the question, and only then use the texts as your evidence. This ensures that you lead with concept rather than text, which is important. In terms of separate sentences, there will be contextual differences between the two, even if the representations are very similar, so that might be one way you do it. Ultimately, if you feel like it works better as one sentence, you do that, if you have an instinct for something chances are it is correct ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 06, 2016, 11:13:07 pm
Yess jamonwindeyer! 5 posts! :D
Awesome! Thanks for the heads up, you are on my to do list :D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 06, 2016, 11:59:10 pm
Hi guys, this is my mod b speech. Please go hard? I think?
The question is : evaluate how the 2 speakers chosen promote the importance of making a difference in our world
The other important stuff:
- evaluate construction + use of rhetorical features
- explain how the speeches resonate in today society
Thankss! :)
Hey there! Aha, I love this because it is a speech about speeches, I think I'm in too deep ;) not but seriously, comments throughout, I'll do my best to give feedback on the rhetorical stuff as well as the content :D
Spoiler
Thank you. It is an honour to be here at Tedx Sefton. I am Benjamin Lam. Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes, and five children die. I'd love to see you do more with this rhetorically, how many children will die during this speech? The world we live in can improve. How? Be specific here. In JK Rowling’s commencement speech The fringe benefits of failure, and the importance of imagination, as well as Cate Blanchett’s Whitlam tribute, their emphasis on the importance reflecting upon a better future that appeals to the values of equality and imagination, compels the audience to realise that the importance of envisioning, of creating a better future, of making a difference in society is to be able to then impact, to add value to the lives of others. These speeches’ ability to remain appreciated in, and beyond a contemporary context, stems from their textual integrity through the promotion of the betterment of society, integrated with emotional rapport and credibility, to inspire innovation. A nice introduction! I'd like to see more elaboration at the start there, really develop the conceptual focus of your essay.
Enhancing the lives of others manifest as the need to bring to fruition a better society that upholds the value of equality. Cool, but wording slightly messy. With rhetoric, JK Rowling’s speech underpins the adverse realities of social injustice that exists today, and thus the importance of empathy as means to not only acknowledge these adversities but also those who are tested by it. Ever so slightly confusing wording again here, "with rhetoric" is slightly off for example, and I think you could be more succinct in the second half. The potential for change in achieving equality lies within the captivation of the future generation. Appealing predominantly towards Harvard students, Rowling establishes, in her exordium, a connection with them through her allusion to ‘Harry Potter’ in referencing “Gryffindor” and “gay wizard”. This connection is further complemented with humour in hyperbolising how this “extraordinary honour” of presenting the speech has given “weeks of fear and nausea”. Thus, what does this show the audience about the value of equality (for example)? Nevertheless, in adapting a sincere and intimate tone, the requisite to shed light on the social injustices is highlighted in her anecdotal experiences with an “African torture victim”; the auditory imagery of the “scream of pain and horror”, as Rowling describes of the victim in the aftermath of “retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime”, prompts the realisation of the reality of discrimination. Might want to trim that sentence, a tad too long (or take a VERY deep breath), good ideas though! Again, looking for you to abstract these textual references and explain in a broader sense what the audience learns about equality from each of them (lists are not as effective as in depth analysis). Hence in this evocation of empathy, forwards the need for an equal and just society. Rowling’s desire to make a difference to lives of others, resonates within the audiences of today and tomorrow, since such society that upholds the value of equality is still, but a vision. Really great ideas in this paragraph, just needs a bit more abstract analysis and fixing a few wording issues.
Conversely, Cate Blanchett cements this vision in elucidating to the achievements of Gough Whitlam in making a difference in society as model to inspire change. Your first topic sentence was more effective because it kept the text separate, it lead with the concept first. Try this again here! Initially, Blanchett forges a mutuality in highlighting the “sadness…[and] great sorrow” felt by herself and concurrently the audience; hence through this emotive appeal conjointed with the rhetorical question : “so what had gone?”, elicits from the responders, thought into how Whitlam has impacted on their lives. A little messy in wording, but I love that you are considering the audience of the speech itself! So many people forget to do it so great work. Sustaining this provocation of thought and rapport, Blanchett’s speech accumulatively lists Whitlam’s contributions to the lives of others in achieving equality: such as his impact on women through introducing “mother’s benefits” and “equal pay for equal work”. Technique? In this vein, his aggregate improvements in creating a better society are “exhausting just trying to conceive of it” – wherein her use of adynaton reflects the supposed impossibility of change and hence, linking to Rowling how in spite of this impossibility, “we do not need magic to change the world”. Ergo, Rowling and Blanchett inspires change by virtue of promoting an equal and just society that will make a difference to others. Very similar to above paragraph, though I'd like to see more techniques in this one too if you can!
As intrinsic as equality to a better society, so too is imagination – the ability to encourage societal progress through the envisionment of continual societal improvements. Love this! Central to Rowling’s speech is the theme of imagination. In this, she promotes imagination as both a way to picture the harsh realities of life that the audience is sheltered from, and the “uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation”. Excellent start, fantastic! To supplement this theme, as well as credibility, Rowling shares her experiences with Amnesty – an organisation of “people who have never been tortured…[yet] act on behalf for those who have” – in promulgation of “human empathy” to envision and promote a more desirable society. Try to change your reference style for things like this, abstract your analysis away from the details. Just, "Rowling's use of anecdotal evidence with regard to her work Amnesty, generates audience interest and communicates_____." Or similar, is enough, the marker doesn't need plot details! Correspondingly, in expounding the humanitarian desire of Amnesty does it symbolise how, on larger scale, our combined efforts will advance humanity to that of a prosperous future in that she assures “we have the power to imagine better” hence galvanising the importance of imagination to erect change.
Likewise, in imagination so is art – the expression of creativity adds value and dimension to the lives of others. Blanchett’s promotion of the importance of art is substantiated though viewing the innovations instituted by Gough Whitlam, such as free healthcare and tertiary education, in the making of a better society; to which the repetition of “I am the beneficiary” in conjunction with inclusive language of “us” and “we” underpins authenticity and the widespread social impacts that Whitlam had contributed to. This commonality is highlighted as the audience claps in showing the reciprocation of their gratitude of the effect Whitlam had on their lives. Conclusively in the epilogue, Blanchett quotes Whitlam to not only commemorate him but in upholding his vision, can it inspire the audience to adapt a similar vision in “the creation of a society in which the arts…can flourish”.
Thus, both speeches promote imagination as the foundation of creating an even greater society that appeals to the hearts of all. Hence, these speeches retain a timelessness as the power to envision a better society is infinite. Your conclusion definitely needs a little bit more substance! Try to fill it with a re-statement of your Thesis, relinking the question to the essay, introduce your texts, etc.
Enhancing the lives of others manifest as the need to bring to fruition a better society that upholds the value of equality. Cool, but wording slightly messy. With rhetoric, JK Rowling’s speech underpins the adverse realities of social injustice that exists today, and thus the importance of empathy as means to not only acknowledge these adversities but also those who are tested by it. Ever so slightly confusing wording again here, "with rhetoric" is slightly off for example, and I think you could be more succinct in the second half. The potential for change in achieving equality lies within the captivation of the future generation. Appealing predominantly towards Harvard students, Rowling establishes, in her exordium, a connection with them through her allusion to ‘Harry Potter’ in referencing “Gryffindor” and “gay wizard”. This connection is further complemented with humour in hyperbolising how this “extraordinary honour” of presenting the speech has given “weeks of fear and nausea”. Thus, what does this show the audience about the value of equality (for example)? Nevertheless, in adapting a sincere and intimate tone, the requisite to shed light on the social injustices is highlighted in her anecdotal experiences with an “African torture victim”; the auditory imagery of the “scream of pain and horror”, as Rowling describes of the victim in the aftermath of “retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime”, prompts the realisation of the reality of discrimination. Might want to trim that sentence, a tad too long (or take a VERY deep breath), good ideas though! Again, looking for you to abstract these textual references and explain in a broader sense what the audience learns about equality from each of them (lists are not as effective as in depth analysis). Hence in this evocation of empathy, forwards the need for an equal and just society. Rowling’s desire to make a difference to lives of others, resonates within the audiences of today and tomorrow, since such society that upholds the value of equality is still, but a vision. Really great ideas in this paragraph, just needs a bit more abstract analysis and fixing a few wording issues.
Conversely, Cate Blanchett cements this vision in elucidating to the achievements of Gough Whitlam in making a difference in society as model to inspire change. Your first topic sentence was more effective because it kept the text separate, it lead with the concept first. Try this again here! Initially, Blanchett forges a mutuality in highlighting the “sadness…[and] great sorrow” felt by herself and concurrently the audience; hence through this emotive appeal conjointed with the rhetorical question : “so what had gone?”, elicits from the responders, thought into how Whitlam has impacted on their lives. A little messy in wording, but I love that you are considering the audience of the speech itself! So many people forget to do it so great work. Sustaining this provocation of thought and rapport, Blanchett’s speech accumulatively lists Whitlam’s contributions to the lives of others in achieving equality: such as his impact on women through introducing “mother’s benefits” and “equal pay for equal work”. Technique? In this vein, his aggregate improvements in creating a better society are “exhausting just trying to conceive of it” – wherein her use of adynaton reflects the supposed impossibility of change and hence, linking to Rowling how in spite of this impossibility, “we do not need magic to change the world”. Ergo, Rowling and Blanchett inspires change by virtue of promoting an equal and just society that will make a difference to others. Very similar to above paragraph, though I'd like to see more techniques in this one too if you can!
As intrinsic as equality to a better society, so too is imagination – the ability to encourage societal progress through the envisionment of continual societal improvements. Love this! Central to Rowling’s speech is the theme of imagination. In this, she promotes imagination as both a way to picture the harsh realities of life that the audience is sheltered from, and the “uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation”. Excellent start, fantastic! To supplement this theme, as well as credibility, Rowling shares her experiences with Amnesty – an organisation of “people who have never been tortured…[yet] act on behalf for those who have” – in promulgation of “human empathy” to envision and promote a more desirable society. Try to change your reference style for things like this, abstract your analysis away from the details. Just, "Rowling's use of anecdotal evidence with regard to her work Amnesty, generates audience interest and communicates_____." Or similar, is enough, the marker doesn't need plot details! Correspondingly, in expounding the humanitarian desire of Amnesty does it symbolise how, on larger scale, our combined efforts will advance humanity to that of a prosperous future in that she assures “we have the power to imagine better” hence galvanising the importance of imagination to erect change.
Likewise, in imagination so is art – the expression of creativity adds value and dimension to the lives of others. Blanchett’s promotion of the importance of art is substantiated though viewing the innovations instituted by Gough Whitlam, such as free healthcare and tertiary education, in the making of a better society; to which the repetition of “I am the beneficiary” in conjunction with inclusive language of “us” and “we” underpins authenticity and the widespread social impacts that Whitlam had contributed to. This commonality is highlighted as the audience claps in showing the reciprocation of their gratitude of the effect Whitlam had on their lives. Conclusively in the epilogue, Blanchett quotes Whitlam to not only commemorate him but in upholding his vision, can it inspire the audience to adapt a similar vision in “the creation of a society in which the arts…can flourish”.
Thus, both speeches promote imagination as the foundation of creating an even greater society that appeals to the hearts of all. Hence, these speeches retain a timelessness as the power to envision a better society is infinite. Your conclusion definitely needs a little bit more substance! Try to fill it with a re-statement of your Thesis, relinking the question to the essay, introduce your texts, etc.
This is a cool speech!! You've got your work cut out for you, a speech about speeches is tough to get right, but you are definitely on your way! Great examples, good links to the question, great topic sentences android structure!
I'd like to see you do some more creative things rhetorically; develop a motif perhaps (your introduction has a prime candidate for this). Further, be certain to cover what the speeches teach us about the concept in general; you can completely abstract such explanations from what the speech is about.
My big comment for the whole essay is MAKING A JUDGEMENT! Remember, you have an evaluate question here, so you need to adjust the essay so that you are continually judging how well the text(s) promote making a difference. Slight changes of wording and additions of phrases should do most of this work for you ;D
Finally, a few little messy wording issues throughout, I mentioned where they were and they should be easy to fix!
You've got incredible textual knowledge and fantastic ideas, I love what you are doing with them! Just needs a little polish I think, great work!! ;D
Post by: Adriaclya on June 07, 2016, 07:57:54 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2016, 11:44:09 am
Thank you jamon! I shall smash the speech...after editing first, of course ;)
I bet you will, good luck! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2016, 02:55:25 pm
Hello! This is an essay I've done for MOD C (Metropolis/1984) and am desperately needing help!! It's waay too long (so please cross out anything you think is irrelevant!!), and I'm not really sure if I've answered the question well enough? I've really struggled and my expression is super messy but please be tough THANKYOU SO MUCH
Hey there Liiz! Thanks for posting, I've attached your essay below with some feedback! I crossed out any sentences that I felt were a bit unnecessary for you ;D
Spoiler
How does the study of Metropolis and 1984 enrich your understanding of control? Must refer to context, intertextual perspectives and themes. Study how meaning is conveyed through context, characterisation, imagery and symbolism in both texts. Show how the context of the visual and prose texts reflect specific perspectives
Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) are two dystopian texts that, respectively, elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment. I'd like to see your first sentence instead give some kind of Thesis about control; thus creating a more conceptual response. As a result, both Lang and Orwell have developed an insightful representation of the abuse of power, at the extremes of totalitarian and fascist regimes. Nice integration of contexts here. Their different perspectives on similar content, however, highlight the values and attitudes of the composer’s time period. Thus, through a comparative study of Metropolis and 1984, the responder can gain a greater appreciation for how intertextual perspectives shape meaning within literature. Furthermore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control to be an influential power on societal relations that is only exacerbated when paired with technology. I really love this Thesis! However, you need to make 'control' a greater focus, bringing it in at the end does not give it the proper attention it deserves. Make it the focus from the start to properly address the question.
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis and 1984. Nice, succinct, powerful good stuff. Lang’s 1927 silent film reflects upon the context of Germany’s Weimar Republic, following WWI, whereby authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the futuristic set design of the upper echelons of society and the dark, bleak conditions found underground. Influenced by the time period, the art-deco style of the city is characterised by precise and boldly delineated geometric shapes. Nice techniques so far.Although nothing like Germany at the time, the city held similarities to the vast physical dimensions of rapidly expanding cities further west, such as New York. The film explores how the decadence and delights of modern cities is built, quite literally, on inequality. Worker’s painstakingly toil below to support the city’s operation, emphasised through Lang’s use of chiaroscuro lighting and contrasting costuming between the dark uniforms of workers to the light outfits of the elite. Audiences emphasise with the exhausted workers as they trudge in stylised, synchronised columns during the shift-change. This sentence and the previous sentence could be blended together, you have everything you need, but you don't need the plot link (the bit I crossed out). Wide shots and melodious non-diegetic music capture the upper class running freely in “The Eternal Gardens.” To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation, power, corruption and control. This is further highlighted through the biblical imagery of the Tower of Babel, in the centre of the metropolis. Awesome. Symbolic of German expressionism, the visual iconography is used to construct the ideological message of Fredersen’s power and god-like status. Additionally, shots of the small city below demonstrate his dominance and control over the lower classes. “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” is emblematic of man’s hubris and mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation. Whilst the struggle between social divisions is made apparent, Lang’s film depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of hands and heads. As noted by Maria, “Between the mind that plans and the hands that build, there must be a mediator… the heart.” Freder eventually becomes the mediator between Fredersen and the workers in order for them to co-exist peacefully and build a stable, positive future as signified by their handshake. Be sure to avoid these "plot based" explanations that do not have any real technique associated, they cause you to slip into textual retell. As such, whilst Lang reflects upon the imbalances of power and control that occurred within the historical context, he provides an optimistic ending based on mutual cooperation between the classes - an ideology that was beginning to take shape in Europe. In comparison, Orwell’s 1984 did not posit such hope and romanticism upon industrialisation. He saw states that were run by totalitarian dictators, such as Stalin and Hitler, as inherently dangerous for populations because the leaders would serve themselves and their interests before the people. By mentioning both texts in your topic sentence, you imply that you will cover both equally. This is not quite what you've done and so leaves me with a feeling there are things missing; it doesn't let you prove your argument. Therefore, the different contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four provide a strong case for how time and place influences meaning.
Nonetheless, like Metropolis, Orwell’s novel written in 1949, enriches audiences understanding of how control and power can impact societal relations. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by Big Brother and the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any individual’s thoughts that go against the party and their beliefs in “Ingsoc”, or English Socialism. Furthermore, the idea that “who controls the past controls the present” held by the Party accounts for how they rewrite history in the hypocritically-named “Ministry of Truth” in order to maintain their hierarchical position above the rest of society.This is particularly applied to the proles as “The party taught that [they] were natural inferiors who must be kept in subjugation.”I really love your techniques and explanations in this first part of the paragraph, but you aren't linking the techniques to what the AUDIENCE learns about control, this is the last step and it is absolutely essential in this Module.Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were [the party’s] slaves” echoes Metropolis and conveys how the excessive use of power and control by the upper party creates social divisions. Additionally, Orwell reflects upon the period following the war, and the way in which leaders instilled hate and violence within their societies against outcasts. Mirroring the fierce anti-semitism and Nuremberg Nazi Hate rallies in Germany and creating allusions to WWI through the Jewish name, Emmanuel Goldstein as the leader of the opposition, Winston describes that “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic.” As such, the excessive power and control that the Party use to create the social hierarchy is as a result of their indoctrination and manipulation, as done by some governments in the 20th century. Nice contextual link. The imperative and emphatic language in “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” further emphasises the Party’s psychological power over the state as the propaganda is never questioned. Anyone that did, “simply disappeared and were never heard of again.” This sense of absolute control, derived from fear, echoes the horrific events taken place during WWII. It is clear that Metropolis and 1984 both explore the idea of excessive control and the way in which it can influence societal relations and class structure, in a slightly different light. Therefore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of control as well as appreciate the value that context can give to literature. Love what you are doing, all I am missing is what the audience learns (Audience Impact).
The detrimental outcomes when control is exerted through technology provide the foundations to Metropolis and 1984. What sort of detrimental outcomes? Be specific from the start.Technological advances in Metropolis symbolically represent humanity’s achievements of the 20th century. However, Lang illustrates his concern for humanity when there is an over-reliance on technology. Try to find a better choice than "over-reliance". In the famous Moloch scene, a low angle shot of the monstrous machine, from Freder’s perspective, make its central position, size and symmetry an even more intimidating sight. Lang’s directorial demand for exaggerated facial expressions by the workers as well as flashing lights and increasingly dramatic music communicate that a mechanical crisis is imminent. You have now fallen into a textual retell; see how you are literally just recounting a scene? The techniques don't assist this, because your focus must be on meaning I won't cross it all out, but you can do all of this scene in one sentence if you are clever. After an explosion, the low camera angle is raised so that the higher levels of the machine can now be seen and Moloch, the ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape. In this powerful scene, Lang fuses the pagan past with a capitalist present whereby the masses are still exploited and dehumanised to meet the needs of the powerful elite. Nice! The composer offers a warning of what can happen where there is an over-reliance on technology, and the dehumanisation it causes. Viewers are also forced to feel that they are components of the machine with repetitive expressionist montages of heavy industrial equipment, whilst the workers appear to be no more than automatons as their robotic movements mirror the mechanical movement of the machines they tend. Cool, what does this teach them? In Metropolis, the danger of idolising technology also becomes a contextual trigger for class conflict and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, blurs the boundaries between human and machine and comes to symbolise the “seven deadly sins.” The workers who rise to cyborg Maria’s call to destroy the machines, unknowingly leave their children behind in peril when their rampage causes flooding. The music reaches a crescendo as the youth struggle to stay above the rising water, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and anxiety. Whilst taking control of the present, Lang shows how the future, that the children represent, may be sacrificed through such frenzied rebellion. You don't need the plot description to make this (very clever) point. As such, the different perspectives that both composers hold on rebellion as a result of excessive control and use of technology emphasis the values held by society of the time period, yet have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of similar content. Again, haven't seen 1984 in this paragraph, I think you need to re-adjust your topic sentence.
Technology plays an extensive role in how control is employed by the Party in Orwell’s novel, 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.”The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through the technological advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police. Thus showing the audience? Orwell’s fear for technology was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. Audiences understand this through the fear-provoking language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead” with nothing “except for a few cubic centimetres inside [their] skull” being their own. Winston’s rebellion stems from this complete control and watchful eye of the Party. His actions are significantly different to the frantic scenes in Metropolis, as he carries out quite ordinary activities - a love affair, consuming “real” coffee and questioning the Party’s claim that “two plus two make five.” However, the climax of the novel in “Room 101” sees Winston’s personal rebellion to destabilise an entrenched despotic regime, being undermined by O’Brian. Try to minimise these more retell-focused sections to get your word count down! The process is explicitly confronting, making readers imagine themselves in Winston’s torture chamber and identifying with his suffering. In the end, the protagonist’s total subjugation and the Party’s “victory” over him is confirmed by the helpless, dejected tone - “He loved Big Brother.” As such, 1984 reveals the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime exacerbated by the use of technology, that Orwell saw in his post-WWII environment. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and grim outcomes of excessive control on society when technology is introduced through 1984, and gain a different perspective from Metropolis.
Exploring the excesses of totalitarian regimes and reflecting on the horrors of war at the time each text were constructed, Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are devoid from the societies they illustrate. Devoid might not be the word you want here, don't you mean they come from the authors views on their societies? Maybe, "derived?" As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four critically explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, oppressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control as being an influence on social relations and stability as well as how such detrimental outcomes are only exacerbated through the use of technology. This conclusion is nice! Succinct but detailed enough to work, nicely done.
Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) are two dystopian texts that, respectively, elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment. I'd like to see your first sentence instead give some kind of Thesis about control; thus creating a more conceptual response. As a result, both Lang and Orwell have developed an insightful representation of the abuse of power, at the extremes of totalitarian and fascist regimes. Nice integration of contexts here. Their different perspectives on similar content, however, highlight the values and attitudes of the composer’s time period. Thus, through a comparative study of Metropolis and 1984, the responder can gain a greater appreciation for how intertextual perspectives shape meaning within literature. Furthermore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control to be an influential power on societal relations that is only exacerbated when paired with technology. I really love this Thesis! However, you need to make 'control' a greater focus, bringing it in at the end does not give it the proper attention it deserves. Make it the focus from the start to properly address the question.
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis and 1984. Nice, succinct, powerful good stuff. Lang’s 1927 silent film reflects upon the context of Germany’s Weimar Republic, following WWI, whereby authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the futuristic set design of the upper echelons of society and the dark, bleak conditions found underground. Influenced by the time period, the art-deco style of the city is characterised by precise and boldly delineated geometric shapes. Nice techniques so far.
Nonetheless, like Metropolis, Orwell’s novel written in 1949, enriches audiences understanding of how control and power can impact societal relations. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by Big Brother and the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any individual’s thoughts that go against the party and their beliefs in “Ingsoc”, or English Socialism. Furthermore, the idea that “who controls the past controls the present” held by the Party accounts for how they rewrite history in the hypocritically-named “Ministry of Truth” in order to maintain their hierarchical position above the rest of society.
The detrimental outcomes when control is exerted through technology provide the foundations to Metropolis and 1984. What sort of detrimental outcomes? Be specific from the start.
Technology plays an extensive role in how control is employed by the Party in Orwell’s novel, 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.”
Exploring the excesses of totalitarian regimes and reflecting on the horrors of war at the time each text were constructed, Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are devoid from the societies they illustrate. Devoid might not be the word you want here, don't you mean they come from the authors views on their societies? Maybe, "derived?" As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four critically explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, oppressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control as being an influence on social relations and stability as well as how such detrimental outcomes are only exacerbated through the use of technology. This conclusion is nice! Succinct but detailed enough to work, nicely done.
This is a fantastic essay Liiz! It answers the question well (especially given how much you need to cover), lots of contextual links, fantastic techniques, and your links between the texts are good (though they could be fleshed out in a little more detail) ;D
For your Thesis, make sure you bring up control straight away. It is the focus of your essay and so should appear in your first sentence as a Thesis statement.
In your body paragraphs, the big thing I'm missing is AUDIENCE IMPACT! You do a great job of explaining how techniques are used by the composer, but I'm not getting too much of WHY. What does the audience learn from the representational choices? This is the focus of the module, representation (technique) and meaning, so it must be at the forefront of your analysis. Doing this will naturally shift you away from textual retell, which is where most of your unnecessary words are created. Improve analysis and you'll also likely fix the word count, two words with one stone ;)
Besides this, it is a very effective piece Liiz, excellent work!! ;D
Post by: FallonXay on June 07, 2016, 05:29:13 pm
Thanks for the feedback on the other essay. I've written an intro (which is similar to the first one but different thesis) and a first paragraph for another Module C essay to practice establishing a thesis, integrating examples/effects and again cohesion. Could you please look over what I have written and provide any feedback? Thanks!
Also, a question regarding the introduction: Should I not be wasting time establishing the plots of the two texts? - and instead directly delve into a general exploration of the thesis?
How do texts in this elective represent people and politics in compelling ways?
Through a deliberate representation of shared perspectives within narratives, composers successfully depict people and politics in compelling ways. Through this representation, the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs, are able to present their ideologies. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is forced to endure the negative repercussions in which were instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which are a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. Through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, the composers purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representation of politics within their narratives to effectively communicate these ideologies to the audience.
With the intention to effectively portray an opinion, the composers seek to intrigue the audience through their respective narratives. This is achieved through embodying a variety of different personalities within texts, so that the composers are able appeal to a larger market and thus extend the boundaries of their representation. This is explicitly demonstrated in Barry Levinson's film Wag The Dog whereby the central political figure Brean, idolised as 'Mr Fix It', is portrayed as single-minded in pursuit of his desires. He states 'It doesn't matter how the fuck you get there, as long as you get there'. Through emphasising the point 'as long as you get there', Brean's cunning nature is accentuated as his determination is revealed through his blind pursuit of his goals regardless of the repercussions. Furthermore, the casual tone engendered by the use of profanity 'Fuck' reinforces the notion by which the mindset illustrated by Brean is a commonality in the political line of work, hence portraying Levinson's demoralised view on the political world. In contrast, the character of Motss is presented as a completely opposite character. He is portrayed with an egocentric personality whereas Brean is depicted as a ruthless calculus. This is especially evident in the 'The Story of 'Old Shoe' goes live' scene whereby Motss voluntarily presents a rousing reading of the President's speech with success demonstrated through the profound impact of his presentation through close-up shots revealing the emotional effects coupled with the diegetic sounds of crying and sniffing. Motss' inherently emotional nature is revealed though his evidently narcissistic and egotistic disposition as he seeks praise for his efforts, questioning 'Conny, What did you think?' after an evidently successful speech. These two characters, whilst sharing the common quality of featuring Levinson's misandry towards the political world, are presented in discernibly differing ways. As a result of this stimulated interest, through accomodating a variety of representations of the characters and thus a compelling environment, Levinson is able to successfully enforce his negative impression of the political world.
Post by: lb1493 on June 07, 2016, 08:01:45 pm
Thanks in advance :) Lucy
Examine the ways composers represent their ideas about the relationship between people and landscapes. In your response make detailed reference to your core text, The Art of Travel, and the related text that you will hear and analyse during the Listening task.
The capacity to develop an authentic relationship with landscapes does not simply hinge upon the geographical land traversed, but rather it is intellectual exploration, a travel which requires no locomotion, that is possibly the most spell-binding. Swiss-born London-based humanist Alain de Botton explores the philosophical questions raised by our desire to explore the unknown in his genre-bending text The Art of Travel (2002), thus shining a light on the complex dynamic at play between people and landscapes in our contemporary world. Alain de Botton adds credence to his exploration of this modern phenomenon as he calls upon renowned painters, poets, Romantics and aesthetes, thereby allowing the responder to identify with his overarching message. Just as de Botton breaks down traditional assumptions and definitions of travel, The Art of Travel refuses to be held hidebound by conventional notions regarding genre, being a hybrid text, which weaves art history, travelogue, socio-cultural anthropology and philosophy, with autobiographical insights. RELATED TEXT INTRODUCTION, MAJOR THEMES (RELEVANT TO THESIS AND QUESTION), ADDRESS THE QUESTION. Composers, such as de Botton and ____, utilise a plethora of techniques to elicit a multi-sensory sensory response from their audience, thus highlighting the ever-complex nature of the relationship between people and landscapes.
Not only does Alain de Botton provide the reader with a unique insight into his own expeditions, but he also enriches the responder’s ability to reevaluate their relationship with landscapes by making frequent reference to the aesthetic endeavours and travel experiences of eminent scholars and artists including Baudelaire and Van Gogh. Specifically, de Botton invokes the renowned Romantic literary figure, William Wordsworth, and his poem ‘Tintern Abbey’, to convey the irrelevance of ‘spots of time’ in humanity’s cultivation of an authentic relationship with nature. Through linking ‘individualised experiences with a cultural tradition of journeying and its narrative construction’ (Doloughan), de Botton invites readers to meditate upon their own memories of travel. The use of these historical guides lends de Botton’s argument a heightened degree of credibility, allowing the responder to identify with The Art of Travel’s overarching message regarding the increasingly multiplex relationship between people and landscapes.
De Botton, through his use of a unique hybrid form, where visual images evocatively complement written exposition, subverts traditional notions of narrative and by implication, challenges readers’ preconceived ideas regarding their relationship to landscapes. Specifically, de Botton’s incorporation of 18th century paintings, such as William Hodge’s ‘Tahiti Revisited’, elicits an exquisite sensory response from his readers. This visceral experience allows responders to recall their own relationship with the surrounding environment, while simultaneously underscoring the innate beauty and wonder that can be derived when individuals foster an authentic relationship with landscapes. The Art of Travel’s juxtaposition of narrative blocks with the immediacy of visual representations facilitates de Botton’s overarching objective, as he states ’valuable elements may be easier to experience in art…(for art) lends to life a vividness and coherence that it may lack in the distracting woolliness of the present.’ This stimulation of senses serves to highlight the resonating power of art to elicit a response of which readers re-evaluate their own relationship with the surrounding world.
Furthermore, de Botton’s refusal to conform to readers’ expectations regarding genre reflects his belief in the importance of an open and receptive ‘travelling mindset’ in appreciating the wonder and beauty of nature. Specifically, de Botton, seeking to emulate French writer Xavier de Maistre's observant approach to travel, examines fragments of his London neighbourhood in order to better appreciate the nuances of his surrounding world. De Botton understands that it is only individuals in possession of such a state of mind, who ‘carry with us no rigid ideas about what is interesting’, that are able to derive the psychologically enriching rewards that travel has to offer, for ‘the pleasure we derive from the journey’ is ‘dependent more on the mindset with which we travel that on the destination we travel to.’
Composers Alain de Botton and _____ utilise a multitude of linguistic, visual and oratory techniques to convey the dichotomous relationship between people and landscapes. Ironically, in a world in which the scope of travel has widened, the chasm between humanity and landscapes has continued its alienating trajectory. Alain de Botton’s The Art of Travel and _______ evocatively demonstrate that it is not the external landscape travelled but rather, the requisite of curiosity and intellectual engagement within the internal landscape of the self, that allows individuals to breach this gap and foster an enriching and authentic relationship with their surrounding world.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2016, 08:45:06 pm
Hey so this is my module B essay, it got a 14/20 which I was kind of surprised about!! Could you please let me know where to improve? We got given the essay question but we had to listen to a provided related in class that's why there is a gap, so this is for half the essay!! I still don't really understand MOD C that well but yeah if you could have a look that would be greatly appreciated :)
Thanks in advance :) Lucy
Hey Lucy!! Thanks for posting your essay! Unfortunately we have a restriction for marking on this forum, you must have a minimum of 5 posts on ATAR Notes. This is to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged up and thus remains as beneficial as possible. You are only 3 posts off the limit, so hang around the forums for a while and you'll be there in no time. Then just let us know in this thread when you've reached it and we'll go back and mark your essay!! Thanks in advance ;D
Post by: beanybagger on June 07, 2016, 08:55:37 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2016, 09:10:41 pm
Sorry for asking on this thread, but how do you post a new question on the forums?
All good! Say you are in the "English Advanced" board as an example, you would click "New Topic" on the top right of the list of topics. To reply to a question in a thread (like this one for example), click Reply, which appears above any message, or Quote if you want to directly reference what someone else has said ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2016, 11:55:07 pm
Hiya again!
Thanks for the feedback on the other essay. I've written an intro (which is similar to the first one but different thesis) and a first paragraph for another Module C essay to practice establishing a thesis, integrating examples/effects and again cohesion. Could you please look over what I have written and provide any feedback? Thanks!
Also, a question regarding the introduction: Should I not be wasting time establishing the plots of the two texts? - and instead directly delve into a general exploration of the thesis?
Hey again!
To address your question first, giving the plot in a phrase is okay as long as it relates specifically to your Thesis. That is, establishing a wartime setting for a text could help if your Thesis is on the nature of political conflict. In general though, plot details are unnecessary filler and so totally, if you feel that it isn't helping you then best to remove it! ;D
Okay, to feedback now!
Spoiler
How do texts in this elective represent people and politics in compelling ways?
Through a deliberate representation of shared perspectives within narratives, composers successfully depict people and politics in compelling ways. Through this representation, the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs, are able to present their ideologies. Try to talk about how ideologies can be represented in general BEFORE you talk about how these specific composers do it. My rule of thumb was always to use two sentences before I mentioned either text or composer, to make sure I got the conceptual focus set before giving examples. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is forced to endure the negative repercussions in which were instigated by political motivations. Try to compress this to a single sentence. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which are a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. Through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, the composers purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representation of politics within their narratives to effectively communicate these ideologies to the audience. An effective introduction overall! I'd like to see a list of what each paragraph will cover, and further, a better link to the question in your final sentence (link back to "compelling ways").
With the intention to effectively portray an opinion, the composers seek to intrigue the audience through their respective narratives. This is achieved through embodying a variety of different personalities within texts, so that the composers are able appeal to a larger market and thus extend the boundaries of their representation. Try to use a better word than "market" here. Further, I think the first sentence is a little self explanatory, self evident. I think you could remove it and instead use two sentences elaborating on this second sentence. This is explicitly demonstrated in Barry Levinson's film Wag The Dog whereby the central political figure Brean, idolised as 'Mr Fix It', is portrayed as single-minded in pursuit of his desires. He states 'It doesn't matter how the fuck you get there, as long as you get there'. Through emphasising the point 'as long as you get there', Brean's cunning nature is accentuated as his determination is revealed through his blind pursuit of his goals regardless of the repercussions. What technique is this? Probably repetition. You may also want to play with wording, you use the word 'his' three times and this interrupts the flow of the sentence. Furthermore, the casual tone engendered by the use of profanity 'Fuck' reinforces the notion by which the mindset illustrated by Brean is a commonality in the political line of work, hence portraying Levinson's demoralised view on the political world. Good! In contrast, the character of Motss is presented as a completely opposite character. Remove filler sentences, this sentence for example doesn't really add anything. Launch straight into the next one: "In contrast, the character of Motts is portrayed with...He is portrayed with an egocentric personality whereas Brean is depicted as a ruthless calculus. How? Technique? Effect? This is especially evident in the 'The Story of 'Old Shoe' goes live' scene whereby Motss voluntarily presents a rousing reading of the President's speech with success demonstrated through the profound impact of his presentation through close-up shots revealing the emotional effects coupled with the diegetic sounds of crying and sniffing. Motss' inherently emotional nature is revealed though his evidently narcissistic and egotistic disposition as he seeks praise for his efforts, questioning 'Conny, What did you think?' after an evidently successful speech. Try to tide the wording, be succinct. "Close up shots reveal the effectiveness of the character's rhetoric, thus showing the audience _____." These two characters, whilst sharing the common quality of featuring Levinson's misandry towards the political world, are presented in discernibly differing ways. As a result of this stimulated interest, through accomodating a variety of representations of the characters and thus a compelling environment, Levinson is able to successfully enforce his negative impression of the political world.
Through a deliberate representation of shared perspectives within narratives, composers successfully depict people and politics in compelling ways. Through this representation, the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs, are able to present their ideologies. Try to talk about how ideologies can be represented in general BEFORE you talk about how these specific composers do it. My rule of thumb was always to use two sentences before I mentioned either text or composer, to make sure I got the conceptual focus set before giving examples. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is forced to endure the negative repercussions in which were instigated by political motivations. Try to compress this to a single sentence. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which are a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. Through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, the composers purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representation of politics within their narratives to effectively communicate these ideologies to the audience. An effective introduction overall! I'd like to see a list of what each paragraph will cover, and further, a better link to the question in your final sentence (link back to "compelling ways").
With the intention to effectively portray an opinion, the composers seek to intrigue the audience through their respective narratives. This is achieved through embodying a variety of different personalities within texts, so that the composers are able appeal to a larger market and thus extend the boundaries of their representation. Try to use a better word than "market" here. Further, I think the first sentence is a little self explanatory, self evident. I think you could remove it and instead use two sentences elaborating on this second sentence. This is explicitly demonstrated in Barry Levinson's film Wag The Dog whereby the central political figure Brean, idolised as 'Mr Fix It', is portrayed as single-minded in pursuit of his desires. He states 'It doesn't matter how the fuck you get there, as long as you get there'. Through emphasising the point 'as long as you get there', Brean's cunning nature is accentuated as his determination is revealed through his blind pursuit of his goals regardless of the repercussions. What technique is this? Probably repetition. You may also want to play with wording, you use the word 'his' three times and this interrupts the flow of the sentence. Furthermore, the casual tone engendered by the use of profanity 'Fuck' reinforces the notion by which the mindset illustrated by Brean is a commonality in the political line of work, hence portraying Levinson's demoralised view on the political world. Good! In contrast, the character of Motss is presented as a completely opposite character. Remove filler sentences, this sentence for example doesn't really add anything. Launch straight into the next one: "In contrast, the character of Motts is portrayed with...
A solid start here!! I really like the argument you are presenting, that the composer will present the same ideas through different characters to resonate with a wider audience, very clever!! I think you have a good number of examples, you clearly know your text really well.
The primary thing to work on for you at the moment is analysis. For Module C especially, you must be focusing on the relationship between what the composer does and why they do it. This has 3 elements (TEA), with every example/quote you should:
- Technique (What does the composer use/do?)
- Explain (What does it achieve? Why did they want to achieve it (Contextual Link)?)
- Audience (What does it teach us?)
This lets you properly examine the relationship between representation and meaning that is required of this module. It is hard to do, but super essential to crack the high range of responses :D right now, you are only hitting one or two of these marks at a time. Sometimes you mention what happened in the text and explain its significance, without a technique, or use a technique but don't really say what its significance is for us as an audience. Improving your analysis to try and hit these marks more consistently will improve the quality of your analysis substantially ;D
I hope this helps as some general advice! You are definitely on the right track ;D great work!
Post by: Son of Thatcher on June 08, 2016, 12:53:05 pm
Sorry to bother you guys so soon, but when possible, would someone be able to mark this essay I've done on People and Politics. The texts I used were Wag the Dog and The Tin-Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman. The question is attached :)
Of particular concern is my lack of focus on the 'people' section. For the purposes of my argument, an emphasis on the 'politics' worked much better and thus I almost exclusively focused on it, with only brief allusions to people. In future, is this something that would be acceptable in an exam? I would tend to think not but hey, I've already written a whole essay and a huge restructure is not something I have the time for at the moment. In any event, any clarification here would be appreciated.
Other than that, any feedback regarding the the flow of my arguments and analysis would be very much valued!
Thanks again!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 09, 2016, 02:27:26 pm
Hello again guys!
Sorry to bother you guys so soon, but when possible, would someone be able to mark this essay I've done on People and Politics. The texts I used were Wag the Dog and The Tin-Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman. The question is attached :)
Of particular concern is my lack of focus on the 'people' section. For the purposes of my argument, an emphasis on the 'politics' worked much better and thus I almost exclusively focused on it, with only brief allusions to people. In future, is this something that would be acceptable in an exam? I would tend to think not but hey, I've already written a whole essay and a huge restructure is not something I have the time for at the moment. In any event, any clarification here would be appreciated.
Other than that, any feedback regarding the the flow of my arguments and analysis would be very much valued!
Thanks again!
Hi there! Welcome back :)
Without having read your piece yet - you've identified a very valuable thing. I fell into this trap with Module A. I tailored my essay and whatever notes I had on my texts, to the question I had for an assignment. But then when it came up to my trials, I realised that I had totally neglected the idea that they could ask me so many things that I hadn't prepared for! So the fact that you've recognised that your essay as it stands won't respond well to a very likely question, is great. Because you have the time to work on it. I'll have a look now, with that in mind! Instead of telling you to change your whole essay, I'll try to find ways that you can possibly weave in the "people" section a bit more. I'll see what we can do... :)
Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Through the act of representation, composers show both the best and worst of human nature
Through the representation of people and politics, composers are able to portray both positive and negative aspects of the human condition. As a consequence, this dichotomy has the capacity to reveal insight into the inner workings of the political world. Barry Levinson’s satirical film, Wag the Dog, examines this concept, exploring the ethically dubious acts and motivations of a corrupt political world, while simultaneously emphasising the efficacy with which these acts of subterfuge are carried out. It is through this emphasis on the impure motives yet ruthlessly effective results that typify the political world, that the nature of politics is stressed. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman, encapsulates the theatre of politics, contrasted sharply by a commendable, single-minded ambition by its characters towards achieving their goals. Nevertheless, it is clear that both composers use their respective texts and their representation of people and politics as a conduit to highlight both the best and worst of human nature.
The representation of the political world as immoral aptly encapsulates the worst of human nature and is principally evident in Barry Levinson’s work, Wag the Dog. Via his characterisation of the film’s central protagonist, Conrad Brean, Levinson denotes the unscrupulousness of the political world. Throughout the film, Levinson deliberately portrays Brean as a ruthless individual, willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish his directive: deceiving the American people. This quality is established in the film’s introduction whereby Brean declares ‘…who cares if it’s true?…’ in response to a query regarding the veracity of the President’s alleged affair. The phrase itself, coupled with the completely matter-of-fact tone with which it is stated, emphasises Brean’s bold indifference to the truth, willing to dispense with it at whim to serve his agenda. Brean is further emblematic of the inherent immorality of politics through his casual demeanour, often towards very serious topics. This manifests itself most prominently in one of the film’s concluding scenes, whereby after engaging in an acrimonious verbal brawl with his colleague, Motss, Brean gives the order to have him killed. The calm, neutral expression of Brean’s face throughout the brawl and when giving the order, accentuates his lack of scruple while his cool, detached treatment of life further emphasises his willingness to do whatever it takes to accomplish his ends. The simple, effortless nod signifying for the murder to proceed and the lack of any obvious signs of conscience further illustrates Brean’s ruthlessness, completely willing to kill someone he for all intents and purposes, considered a friend. Thus, it is through this negative representation of the political world, that the worst aspects of human nature are highlighted.
The representation of politics as unnecessarily theatrical similarly communicates the worst elements of the human condition and are evident in the work of Raymond Briggs, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. By exploring the influence of theatre, Brigss therefore emphasises the superficial nature of the political world. This is epitomised through the disproportionate size of the Foreign General and Iron Woman, both salient and dedicated an entire page to capturing their immense physical presence. This ostentatious size connotes the theatrical element associated with politics, symbolising the superficial focus prevalent within the political world. This is further reinforced through the narration ‘…this Tin-Pot Foreign General…wanted to do something historical so that his name would be printed in all the big history books’. This phrase demonstrates the primacy of political theatre, denoting the often materialistic aims of those involved and their superficial emphasis on grand gestures. In this way, the penchant for the theatrical exhibited by these figures conveys the pointless pageantry associated with the political world, thereby demonstrating the worst of human nature. Hence, it is clear that both composers through their negative representation of the political world, illustrate the worst aspects of human nature.
However, both texts also elucidate the very best of the human condition, chiefly through their implicit admiration of the efficacy characteristic of the political world. While disparaging of the immoral motivations and the heinous repercussions of political action, both composers clearly attempt to portray the efficiency with which these acts of corruption are carried out as admirable. This is especially evident in Wag the Dog, whereby at a moments notice, Stanley Motss is able to organise an entire film and production to crew to assist in the filming of a fake war. The hasty manner in which this is done establishes the efficiency and speed of the political world, thus encapsulating the innate capacity within humanity to work to one’s fullest potential. This is efficacy is reinforced through the effortless manner in which Motss and his film crew are able to fabricate a scene with a fleeing Albanian refugee. The ease with with Motss and his producers are able to accomplish this, stating for example ‘Give me some flames’ and then having the flames appear, illustrate the sophisticated operation of deception that is being orchestrated, therefore highlighting the efficiency and ultimately success, that typifies the political world. Hence, it is evident that the best aspects of human nature are illustrated through the representation of people and politics in Wag the Dog.
Likewise, the best of the human condition is also illustrated through the representation of politics within The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Though frequently portrayed negatively throughout the text, the political figures of the text are simultaneously framed as dedicated and focused. The Old Iron Woman for example, illustrates thus commitment, using her vast treasure reserves for her war effort. Even through this end is depicted as morally repulsive, the verve and dedication with which it is conducted is presented as admirable. This is especially evident through the Lady’s focused gaze, serving as vector towards the treasure, thus illustrating the depth of her commitment and energy towards preparing her country for war. Thus, via the representation of the political world, the best aspects of human nature are illustrated.
In essence, it is abundantly clear that through the act of representation in their works, both Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs communicate messages about people and politics. Although highly critical of its dubious moral credentials, both composers also at times, accentuate the admirable qualities of politics, thereby revealing the positive and negative aspects of the human condition.
Through the representation of people and politics, composers are able to portray both positive and negative aspects of the human condition. As a consequence, this dichotomy has the capacity to reveal insight into the inner workings of the political world. Barry Levinson’s satirical film, Wag the Dog, examines this concept, exploring the ethically dubious acts and motivations of a corrupt political world, while simultaneously emphasising the efficacy with which these acts of subterfuge are carried out. It is through this emphasis on the impure motives yet ruthlessly effective results that typify the political world, that the nature of politics is stressed. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman, encapsulates the theatre of politics, contrasted sharply by a commendable, single-minded ambition by its characters towards achieving their goals. Nevertheless, it is clear that both composers use their respective texts and their representation of people and politics as a conduit to highlight both the best and worst of human nature.
The representation of the political world as immoral aptly encapsulates the worst of human nature and is principally evident in Barry Levinson’s work, Wag the Dog. Via his characterisation of the film’s central protagonist, Conrad Brean, Levinson denotes the unscrupulousness of the political world. Throughout the film, Levinson deliberately portrays Brean as a ruthless individual, willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish his directive: deceiving the American people. This quality is established in the film’s introduction whereby Brean declares ‘…who cares if it’s true?…’ in response to a query regarding the veracity of the President’s alleged affair. The phrase itself, coupled with the completely matter-of-fact tone with which it is stated, emphasises Brean’s bold indifference to the truth, willing to dispense with it at whim to serve his agenda. Brean is further emblematic of the inherent immorality of politics through his casual demeanour, often towards very serious topics. This manifests itself most prominently in one of the film’s concluding scenes, whereby after engaging in an acrimonious verbal brawl with his colleague, Motss, Brean gives the order to have him killed. The calm, neutral expression of Brean’s face throughout the brawl and when giving the order, accentuates his lack of scruple while his cool, detached treatment of life further emphasises his willingness to do whatever it takes to accomplish his ends. The simple, effortless nod signifying for the murder to proceed and the lack of any obvious signs of conscience further illustrates Brean’s ruthlessness, completely willing to kill someone he for all intents and purposes, considered a friend. Thus, it is through this negative representation of the political world, that the worst aspects of human nature are highlighted.
The representation of politics as unnecessarily theatrical similarly communicates the worst elements of the human condition and are evident in the work of Raymond Briggs, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. By exploring the influence of theatre, Brigss therefore emphasises the superficial nature of the political world. This is epitomised through the disproportionate size of the Foreign General and Iron Woman, both salient and dedicated an entire page to capturing their immense physical presence. This ostentatious size connotes the theatrical element associated with politics, symbolising the superficial focus prevalent within the political world. This is further reinforced through the narration ‘…this Tin-Pot Foreign General…wanted to do something historical so that his name would be printed in all the big history books’. This phrase demonstrates the primacy of political theatre, denoting the often materialistic aims of those involved and their superficial emphasis on grand gestures. In this way, the penchant for the theatrical exhibited by these figures conveys the pointless pageantry associated with the political world, thereby demonstrating the worst of human nature. Hence, it is clear that both composers through their negative representation of the political world, illustrate the worst aspects of human nature.
However, both texts also elucidate the very best of the human condition, chiefly through their implicit admiration of the efficacy characteristic of the political world. While disparaging of the immoral motivations and the heinous repercussions of political action, both composers clearly attempt to portray the efficiency with which these acts of corruption are carried out as admirable. This is especially evident in Wag the Dog, whereby at a moments notice, Stanley Motss is able to organise an entire film and production to crew to assist in the filming of a fake war. The hasty manner in which this is done establishes the efficiency and speed of the political world, thus encapsulating the innate capacity within humanity to work to one’s fullest potential. This is efficacy is reinforced through the effortless manner in which Motss and his film crew are able to fabricate a scene with a fleeing Albanian refugee. The ease with with Motss and his producers are able to accomplish this, stating for example ‘Give me some flames’ and then having the flames appear, illustrate the sophisticated operation of deception that is being orchestrated, therefore highlighting the efficiency and ultimately success, that typifies the political world. Hence, it is evident that the best aspects of human nature are illustrated through the representation of people and politics in Wag the Dog.
Likewise, the best of the human condition is also illustrated through the representation of politics within The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Though frequently portrayed negatively throughout the text, the political figures of the text are simultaneously framed as dedicated and focused. The Old Iron Woman for example, illustrates thus commitment, using her vast treasure reserves for her war effort. Even through this end is depicted as morally repulsive, the verve and dedication with which it is conducted is presented as admirable. This is especially evident through the Lady’s focused gaze, serving as vector towards the treasure, thus illustrating the depth of her commitment and energy towards preparing her country for war. Thus, via the representation of the political world, the best aspects of human nature are illustrated.
In essence, it is abundantly clear that through the act of representation in their works, both Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs communicate messages about people and politics. Although highly critical of its dubious moral credentials, both composers also at times, accentuate the admirable qualities of politics, thereby revealing the positive and negative aspects of the human condition.
Here is your essay with my own comments in bold font throughout:
Spoiler
Through the act of representation, composers show both the best and worst of human nature
Through the representation of people and politics, composers are able to portray both positive and negative aspects of the human condition. Great! As a consequence, this dichotomy has the capacity to reveal insight into the inner workings of the political world. Barry Levinson’s satirical film, Wag the Dog, examines this concept, exploring the ethically dubious acts and motivations of a corrupt political world, while simultaneously emphasising the efficacy with which these acts of subterfuge are carried out. It is through this emphasis on the impure motives yet ruthlessly effective results that typify the political world, that the nature of politics is stressed. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman, encapsulates the theatre of politics, contrasted sharply by a commendable, single-minded ambition by its characters towards achieving their goals. Nevertheless, it is clear that both composers use their respective texts and their representation of people and politics as a conduit to highlight both the best and worst of human nature. This is a wonderful introduction. People shy away from fleshing out their texts and ideas in the introduction, but you haven't, which is great! However, you don't mention people specifically until we reach the end, and you tell me that representation of people and politics is evident. So, when you deal with Wag the Dog, you don't talk about people - you just talk about the dubious world of politics. Is it possible that you can say something about the political world dealing with the manipulation of people? Or, people manipulating other people? The "people" doesn't have to be those oppressed by politics, although it can. It can just be, the people who make up the politics. I hope this makes sense.
The representation of the political world as immoral aptly encapsulates the worst of human nature and this is principally evident in Barry Levinson’s work, Wag the Dog. Via his characterisation of the film’s central protagonist, Conrad Brean, Levinson denotes the unscrupulousness of the political world. Throughout the film, Levinson deliberately portrays Brean as a ruthless individual, willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish his directive: deceiving the American people. This quality is established in the film’s introduction whereby Brean declares ‘…who cares if it’s true?…’ in response to a query regarding the veracity of the President’s alleged affair. The phrase itself, coupled with the completely matter-of-fact tone with which it is stated, emphasises Brean’s bold indifference to the truth, willing to dispense with it at whim to serve his agenda. Brean is further emblematic of the inherent immorality of politics through his casual demeanour, often towards very serious topics. This manifests itself most prominently in one of the film’s concluding scenes, whereby after engaging in an acrimonious verbal brawl with his colleague, Motss, Brean gives the order to have him killed. The calm, neutral expression of Brean’s face throughout the brawl and when giving the order, accentuates his lack of scruple while his cool, detached treatment of life further emphasises his willingness to do whatever it takes to accomplish his ends. The simple, effortless nod signifying for the murder to proceed and the lack of any obvious signs of conscience further illustrates Brean’s ruthlessness, completely willing to kill someone he for all intents and purposes, considered a friend. Thus, it is through this negative representation of the political world, that the worst aspects of human nature are highlighted. I don't think this lacks the "people" element. You've got a wonderful paragraph here, everything is linked and proven, it's very sophisticated! Your thesis is strong.
The representation of politics as unnecessarily theatrical similarly communicates the worst elements of the human condition and are evident in the work of Raymond Briggs, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. I think the wording of this sentence needs to be played with a little bit. "similarly" is one area that I want to point out. Similarly to what? I assume you're talking about the paragraph before, but that's not clear and similarly doesn't quite make the connection. Your thesis itself here is unique, but it's not completely clear to me. Are you saying that Raymond Briggs thinks that politics are represented as far too dramatic, which reveals the human condition in its worst light? If you try and re-write this sentence, I don't think it will be hard to find a more accessible way of writing it :)By exploring the influence of theatre, Brigss therefore emphasises the superficial nature of the political world. This is epitomised through the disproportionate size of the Foreign General and Iron Woman, both salient and dedicated an entire page to capturing their immense physical presence. This ostentatious size connotes the theatrical element associated with politics, symbolising the superficial focus prevalent within the political world. This is further reinforced through the narration ‘…this Tin-Pot Foreign General…wanted to do something historical so that his name would be printed in all the big history books’. This phrase demonstrates the primacy of political theatre, denoting the often materialistic aims of those involved and their superficial emphasis on grand gestures. In this way, the penchant for the theatrical exhibited by these figures conveys the pointless pageantry associated with the political world, thereby demonstrating the worst of human nature. Hence, it is clear that both composers through their negative representation of the political world, illustrate the worst aspects of human nature.
However, both texts also elucidate the very best of the human condition, chiefly through their implicit admiration of the efficacy characteristic of the political world. You've gone for a really unique structure here. Text A, Text B, Both. I really, really like it! While disparaging of the immoral motivations and the heinous repercussions of political action, both composers clearly attempt to portray the efficiency with which these acts of corruption are carried out as admirable. This is especially evident in Wag the Dog, whereby at a moments notice, Stanley Motss is able to organise an entire film and production to crew to assist in the filming of a fake war. The hasty manner in which this is done establishes the efficiency and speed of the political world, thus encapsulating the innate capacity within humanity to work to one’s fullest potential. This is efficacy is reinforced through the effortless manner in which Motss and his film crew are able to fabricate a scene with a fleeing Albanian refugee. The ease with with Motss and his producers are able to accomplish this, stating for example ‘Give me some flames’ and then having the flames appear, illustrate the sophisticated operation of deception that is being orchestrated, therefore highlighting the efficiency and ultimately success, that typifies the political world. Hence, it is evident that the best aspects of human nature are illustrated through the representation of people and politics in Wag the Dog. This paragraph is strong for what it provides for the thesis. However, it is weaker than the others because techniques aren't specifically dealt with. The plot and textual references are there, but I think clearly identifying the name of a technique at play with each example proves to the marker that you not only know the text, and the module, but you also have a really clear grasp on how and why the composer chose to do what they did.
Likewise, the best of the human condition is also illustrated through the representation of politics within The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Though frequently portrayed negatively throughout the text, the political figures of the text are simultaneously framed as dedicated and focused. The Old Iron Woman for example, illustrates thus commitment, using her vast treasure reserves for her war effort. Even through this end is depicted as morally repulsive, the verve and dedication with which it is conducted is presented as admirable. This is especially evident through the Lady’s focused gaze, serving as vector towards the treasure, thus illustrating the depth of her commitment and energy towards preparing her country for war. This is brilliant!The way that you've talked specifically about the text, brought it to the technique, then explained how that works. This is the exact structure that is most responsive to a marker's eyes. They follow your train of thought, and the marking criteria!Thus, via the representation of the political world, the best aspects of human nature are illustrated.
In essence, it is abundantly clear that through the act of representation in their works, both Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs communicate messages about people and politics. Although highly critical of its dubious moral credentials, both composers also at times, accentuate the admirable qualities of politics, thereby revealing the positive and negative aspects of the human condition. This needs to be longer. I'd give each text a sentence each, and flesh out the ideas in there.
Through the representation of people and politics, composers are able to portray both positive and negative aspects of the human condition. Great! As a consequence, this dichotomy has the capacity to reveal insight into the inner workings of the political world. Barry Levinson’s satirical film, Wag the Dog, examines this concept, exploring the ethically dubious acts and motivations of a corrupt political world, while simultaneously emphasising the efficacy with which these acts of subterfuge are carried out. It is through this emphasis on the impure motives yet ruthlessly effective results that typify the political world, that the nature of politics is stressed. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman, encapsulates the theatre of politics, contrasted sharply by a commendable, single-minded ambition by its characters towards achieving their goals. Nevertheless, it is clear that both composers use their respective texts and their representation of people and politics as a conduit to highlight both the best and worst of human nature. This is a wonderful introduction. People shy away from fleshing out their texts and ideas in the introduction, but you haven't, which is great! However, you don't mention people specifically until we reach the end, and you tell me that representation of people and politics is evident. So, when you deal with Wag the Dog, you don't talk about people - you just talk about the dubious world of politics. Is it possible that you can say something about the political world dealing with the manipulation of people? Or, people manipulating other people? The "people" doesn't have to be those oppressed by politics, although it can. It can just be, the people who make up the politics. I hope this makes sense.
The representation of the political world as immoral aptly encapsulates the worst of human nature and this is principally evident in Barry Levinson’s work, Wag the Dog. Via his characterisation of the film’s central protagonist, Conrad Brean, Levinson denotes the unscrupulousness of the political world. Throughout the film, Levinson deliberately portrays Brean as a ruthless individual, willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish his directive: deceiving the American people. This quality is established in the film’s introduction whereby Brean declares ‘…who cares if it’s true?…’ in response to a query regarding the veracity of the President’s alleged affair. The phrase itself, coupled with the completely matter-of-fact tone with which it is stated, emphasises Brean’s bold indifference to the truth, willing to dispense with it at whim to serve his agenda. Brean is further emblematic of the inherent immorality of politics through his casual demeanour, often towards very serious topics. This manifests itself most prominently in one of the film’s concluding scenes, whereby after engaging in an acrimonious verbal brawl with his colleague, Motss, Brean gives the order to have him killed. The calm, neutral expression of Brean’s face throughout the brawl and when giving the order, accentuates his lack of scruple while his cool, detached treatment of life further emphasises his willingness to do whatever it takes to accomplish his ends. The simple, effortless nod signifying for the murder to proceed and the lack of any obvious signs of conscience further illustrates Brean’s ruthlessness, completely willing to kill someone he for all intents and purposes, considered a friend. Thus, it is through this negative representation of the political world, that the worst aspects of human nature are highlighted. I don't think this lacks the "people" element. You've got a wonderful paragraph here, everything is linked and proven, it's very sophisticated! Your thesis is strong.
The representation of politics as unnecessarily theatrical similarly communicates the worst elements of the human condition and are evident in the work of Raymond Briggs, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. I think the wording of this sentence needs to be played with a little bit. "similarly" is one area that I want to point out. Similarly to what? I assume you're talking about the paragraph before, but that's not clear and similarly doesn't quite make the connection. Your thesis itself here is unique, but it's not completely clear to me. Are you saying that Raymond Briggs thinks that politics are represented as far too dramatic, which reveals the human condition in its worst light? If you try and re-write this sentence, I don't think it will be hard to find a more accessible way of writing it :)By exploring the influence of theatre, Brigss therefore emphasises the superficial nature of the political world. This is epitomised through the disproportionate size of the Foreign General and Iron Woman, both salient and dedicated an entire page to capturing their immense physical presence. This ostentatious size connotes the theatrical element associated with politics, symbolising the superficial focus prevalent within the political world. This is further reinforced through the narration ‘…this Tin-Pot Foreign General…wanted to do something historical so that his name would be printed in all the big history books’. This phrase demonstrates the primacy of political theatre, denoting the often materialistic aims of those involved and their superficial emphasis on grand gestures. In this way, the penchant for the theatrical exhibited by these figures conveys the pointless pageantry associated with the political world, thereby demonstrating the worst of human nature. Hence, it is clear that both composers through their negative representation of the political world, illustrate the worst aspects of human nature.
However, both texts also elucidate the very best of the human condition, chiefly through their implicit admiration of the efficacy characteristic of the political world. You've gone for a really unique structure here. Text A, Text B, Both. I really, really like it! While disparaging of the immoral motivations and the heinous repercussions of political action, both composers clearly attempt to portray the efficiency with which these acts of corruption are carried out as admirable. This is especially evident in Wag the Dog, whereby at a moments notice, Stanley Motss is able to organise an entire film and production to crew to assist in the filming of a fake war. The hasty manner in which this is done establishes the efficiency and speed of the political world, thus encapsulating the innate capacity within humanity to work to one’s fullest potential. This is efficacy is reinforced through the effortless manner in which Motss and his film crew are able to fabricate a scene with a fleeing Albanian refugee. The ease with with Motss and his producers are able to accomplish this, stating for example ‘Give me some flames’ and then having the flames appear, illustrate the sophisticated operation of deception that is being orchestrated, therefore highlighting the efficiency and ultimately success, that typifies the political world. Hence, it is evident that the best aspects of human nature are illustrated through the representation of people and politics in Wag the Dog. This paragraph is strong for what it provides for the thesis. However, it is weaker than the others because techniques aren't specifically dealt with. The plot and textual references are there, but I think clearly identifying the name of a technique at play with each example proves to the marker that you not only know the text, and the module, but you also have a really clear grasp on how and why the composer chose to do what they did.
Likewise, the best of the human condition is also illustrated through the representation of politics within The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Though frequently portrayed negatively throughout the text, the political figures of the text are simultaneously framed as dedicated and focused. The Old Iron Woman for example, illustrates thus commitment, using her vast treasure reserves for her war effort. Even through this end is depicted as morally repulsive, the verve and dedication with which it is conducted is presented as admirable. This is especially evident through the Lady’s focused gaze, serving as vector towards the treasure, thus illustrating the depth of her commitment and energy towards preparing her country for war. This is brilliant!The way that you've talked specifically about the text, brought it to the technique, then explained how that works. This is the exact structure that is most responsive to a marker's eyes. They follow your train of thought, and the marking criteria!Thus, via the representation of the political world, the best aspects of human nature are illustrated.
In essence, it is abundantly clear that through the act of representation in their works, both Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs communicate messages about people and politics. Although highly critical of its dubious moral credentials, both composers also at times, accentuate the admirable qualities of politics, thereby revealing the positive and negative aspects of the human condition. This needs to be longer. I'd give each text a sentence each, and flesh out the ideas in there.
Ok, great!
Here are some things you're doing really well:
Sophisticated, easy to read writing. Everything is digestable.
Great grasp on the texts.
Really unique structure.
Here are some things to improve on:
-The thesis is standard of the essay question. You started to take it further with this sentence, "As a consequence, this dichotomy has the capacity to reveal insight into the inner workings of the political world" but it doesn't carry throughout clearly. Perhaps if you wanted to claim that the political spectrum is the best agency for revealing the good and bad of human nature. This is about introducing new words that aren't in the question, but also take it a step further so you give yourself another slight agenda to use, by responding to your own thesis.
-Making sure that each paragraph has strong, solid evidence from the text, and then a clearly identified technique, and then the purpose of that. I think the "purpose" of it is particularly important in this essay, because the essay question wants you to talk about representation, which an author/composer doesn't do blindly!
Let me know if anything doesn't make sense. Happy to flesh it out more if need be :)
Post by: Son of Thatcher on June 09, 2016, 05:03:56 pm
The feedback particularly in regards to the thesis was outstanding! I was indeed having trouble getting a proper thesis that could be sustained throughout. You've really helped with that, thanks!
Again, thanks for the feedback!
Post by: lha on June 09, 2016, 08:13:01 pm
1. could you please let me know if i have answered the question (the question is at the top of the document attached)?
2. let me know if my analysis is great (or not)?
3. as I will have to write this in as in an inclass exam, I need to shorten it by about 200 words so if you find anything irrelevant, could you please let me know so I can delete it?
4. Im not sure if I have talk about the effect of Levinsons's representations on the external audience (us) enough?
5. Have I talked enough about the satirical nature? (my teacher made a big point about satire so im concerned about that)
6. basically I would like to know if this is a band 6 or a 20/20 essay response.
So sorry for asking for a lot but your help would be greatly appreciated!!!
My essay is attached.
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 09, 2016, 10:31:27 pm
Thanks so much once more elysepopplewell!
The feedback particularly in regards to the thesis was outstanding! I was indeed having trouble getting a proper thesis that could be sustained throughout. You've really helped with that, thanks!
Again, thanks for the feedback!
It's always my pleasure, particularly for someone as thankful and polite as yourself! Let me know how it goes, happy to mark any time :)
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 10, 2016, 02:20:39 pm
I am currently doing speeches and was wondering where I can improve in this current draft
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 10, 2016, 05:04:41 pm
Post by: Mizuki on June 12, 2016, 03:21:25 pm
thanks guys :))
William Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy scrutinizes powerful metaphysical issues concerning both an individual and the ever- changing world around them, resonating strongly with audiences today-due to his proficiency as a playwright and insightful observations on human frailty. Within the thespian form of an Aristotelian tragedy, the play explores the protagonist Hamlet as an idealistic young man who attempts to interpret his moral existence apart from the rampant corruption and deceiving appropriations of reality that beset his world. Consequently, Hamlet’s inordinate desire for filial revenge and justice inaugurates a deeper exploration of the tension between emotion and reason, while the inevitability of death and the usurping of the natural order encapsulate the discordant and paradoxical paradigms of the Elizabethan era; between Renaissance humanism and Christian Medieval chivalry. In challenging the dynamics of humanity and his own ontological quandaries, Hamlet raises core philosophical and existential questions that pervade through contextual barriers to echo within modern audiences.
Derived from the deep core of humanity, the irrefutable element of corruption as a driving force often warps one’s capacity of moral judgment. Through the employment of Machiavellian tactics, Claudius usurps the natural order- solely for the purpose of strengthening his status in the court of Elsinore, where there is an atmosphere of corruption that hovers from the start of the play- ‘there is something rotten in the state of Denmark’. Moreover, there is an apparent disparity between Claudius’ public and private persona; within the accretion of grammatical parallelism in - “mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage”, he draws upon paradoxical phrases to delineate the difficulty of conserving rational thought amidst a world of uncertainty and deceit, ironically propelled by Claudius himself. He is further illustrated as a duplicitous character through Hamlet- “that [he] may smile…and be a villain”; where the juxtaposition between ‘smile’ and ‘villain’ exemplifies the character completely lost in the cusp of passion and reason, lost in the burden of the façade of appearances. Overpowered by the force of greed for power, he ultimately shows the inimical repercussions of omnipotent power. This stems from the widespread uncertainty in the Bard’s time of writing, caused by the ambivalence within the inheritance of Queen Elizabeth’s rule that lead to theological and philosophical unrest. The extended motif of malaise and decay is depicted through the accretion of olfactory pejoratives “foul and pestilent congregation of vapors” and hendiadys of ‘foul’ and ‘pestilent’, mirrors Hamlet’s all-consuming pessimism and nihilistic disillusionment when decoding the boundaries between the truth and deceit. Goethe states that Hamlet is one, “With the strength of mind that forms a hero, sinks beneath a load which it cannot bear and must not renounce”. We are able to conclude that Hamlets reaction to the vicissitudes of his plight lead him to his hamartia, and the incapacity of his foresight inevitably leads to the ambiguity of his moral spectrum, reflecting the moral discourse of humanity.
The perpetual tension between emotion and reason is further emblematized through the notion of delay, whereby Hamlet is subject to shifting societal expectations of human behavior. Isolated by his ‘unmanly grief’, Hamlet is inflicted upon a world of ontological uncertainty, stimulating his intellectual vacillation ensuing his inability to act upon emotion or reason alone. Hamlets constant deliberation and the incapability to reconcile his desire for revenge is repeatedly showcased through his delay. Within the rhyming couplet of “O cursed spite/ that ever I was born to set it right”, the apostrophe of ‘O’ detaches himself out of reality addressing a sort of divinity, depicting his cognitive apprehensions apropos to Christian chivalry- and resultantly, forebodes his later internal and external conflict. Hamlet’s high modal assertion of “I was born to set it right”, not only showcases a glimpse into his views on filial obligation but his awareness of it, which serves to implant within him the seeds of future doubt. In accordance to S.T Coleridge, he states that we as an audience are able to see that ‘the great object of his life is defeated by continually resolving to do so, yet doing nothing but resolve’, continuously evident through Hamlet’s inaction. The zenith of Hamlet’s struggle in reconciling his emotion and reason occurs in the ‘prayer’ scene, where Claudius is unguarded, unattended and attempting to seek exoneration for his “offence so rank it smells to heaven”. Accentuating a tonal shift, the hyperbolic olfactory imagery of decay establishes pathos that is sustained throughout the play. Through a complete reversal of roles with Claudius more humanized, Hamlet’s alliterated and whispery tones of “up sword, and know thou a more horrid hent” appeals to the logos of Hamlets characterization. The two most tumultuous characters; Claudius and Hamlet are seen to tackle the troubles of resolving the tension between emotion and reason. It can hence be concluded that Hamlet is a deeply contemplative and self-reflexive play where both the protagonist and the world around him are ceaselessly delayed and challenged by the struggle in resolving the tension between emotion and reason.
Furthermore, Hamlet’s struggle to come to terms with the dynamics of human mortality and his quest for meaning in life engages audiences. Through Shakespeare’s dramatic tension of this component within the human experience, Hamlet faces notions such as the inevitability of death, upon which he realizes the importance of human experience- a core Humanist ideal that continues to resonate amongst modern audience. Enkindled within Hamlet’s soliloquy, inclusive use of anapestic dimeter in “thus conscience does make cowards of us all” establishes an appeal to logos, further exemplified through the recurring euphemism of ‘sleep’ and ‘dream’- he ponders his own existence, spurring his self-reflexive nature allowing us to not only empathize with his own fatalistic perceptions but for us to also question our self existence. Moreover, Hamlet’s true turning point from his brooding and philosophical contemplation of mortality comes to a head in the tableau scene. “to what base we may return”, the inclusive, contemplative tone within the use of personal pronoun ‘we’ elucidates the universality and reality of death as an element that we are all subject to. Moreover, within the play’s denouement, occurs Hamlets realization that the world is not as ‘weary, stable, flat and unprofitable’ as he previously believed and the death of multiple characters take place. Through the anatomical synecdoche of “In my heart there was a kind of fighting…there’s a divinity that shapes our ends” the past tense syntactic arrangement engages responders to grasp Hamlet’s paradoxical and enigmatic deliberations of humanist and providential thought. Through the characteristics of a Shakespearean tragedy, Fortinbras- Hamlet’s foil character ascends the throne and moral order of the world is re-established. By overcoming the core human dilemma of mortality, Hamlet attains a sense of retributive justice for the death of his father. Critic Justin Drewey comments on the resolution of the play as “Hamlet recognizes the inevitability of death, accepts his father’s death and recognizes his own unavoidable fate” Through the dramatization of death as an unavoidable element within the permanence of mortality, Shakespeare is able to create literature that resounds with modern audiences despite contextual barriers.
Hamlet is a tragic hero stuck and comprised of the two worlds of; Renaissance humanism and Christan medieval chivalry. Rising from an era of rapidly shifting socio cultural paradigms of Elizabethan England, Shakespeare employs a multitude of dramatic and literary skills indicative of Hamlet’s ability to transcend time through the exploration of the inner turmoil that lies at the core of humanity. The play sheds light on the dichotomy between facades of appearances followed by the crippling of political and moral corruption. In challenging the aspects of both himself and the world around him, the tension between emotion and reason emerges, and the inevitability of death prolong his statis. As such, despite contextual barriers, Shakespeare’s Hamlet is a revenge tragedy play that didactically explores fundamental and universal elements and confronts the many frailties and weaknesses of humanity- enabling his ever-lasting effect upon audiences.
didnt know whether copying and pasting essay or attaching a file was easier so did both haha
Post by: wesadora on June 12, 2016, 03:59:46 pm
Explore how the relationship between the individual and society is explored in Brave New World and ONE other related text of your choosing:
Spoiler
The longing to acquire an unequivocal control over oneself and one’s environment is an intrinsic desire within every individual. Aldous Huxley’s novel Brave New World (1932) reveals this desire through exploring the mixed actions of individuals in response to the totalitarian oppression of the World State; Huxley’s dystopian reinforced through the animated film Metropolis (2001), directed by Rintaro. Metropolis’ explores the dangerous society has degraded how truth and individuality are valued. This conflict is further political activities between the plutocratic industrialist Duke Red, and an insurgent rebel organisation, as well as the unstable relationship between robots and their human masters. Both texts effectively demonstrate how a relentless pursuit for political control makes the harmonious unity of values between an individual and their society practically impossible.
Humankind’s individual struggle to maintain supremacy in an ever-changing world is amplified through technological and industrial advancement of the societies in both texts. Citizens in Huxley’s World State are the result of incredible technological progress, as seen through the frequent use of scientific jargon. For example, exclamations of the Director of Hatcheries and conditioning (DHC) boasting about how “Bokanovsky’s process is one of the major instruments of social stability!” coupled with numerical language such as the conveyor belt “travelling at the rate of thirty-three and a third centimeters an hour. Two hundred and sixty-seven days at eight metres a day”. The mechanised style of linguistic detail exposes a society in which individuals advantageously utilise the power of technology to exploit and dehumanise man through practices such as the World State’s mass production and conditioning of human individuals. The individual’s struggle for hegemonic power is also represented through Metropolis’ introduction of the ‘Ziggurat’: a technologically advanced weapon disguised as a building. The film’s opening features vectors of rolling clouds that cast the Ziggurat as the salient image with its apex penetrating high above the clouds. This dominating stature establishes it as symbol for mankind’s technological achievements and power. During a coup d’état orchestrated by Duke Red, a still frame of the president’s dead body positioned in the foreground is contrasted with the imposing background presence of the Ziggurat. This signals the shift of authority to selfish individuals who have harnessed available technological advancement, rendering the value of truth and collective unity to be meaningless. It is therefore evident that individuals will try and use the circumstances of their society to grow capable of exercising political control over others.
The constant oppression of political ideologies inflicted by society is capable of corrupting an individual’s moral code and eventually, their core identity. John the Savage is a character used as a model for the degradation of one’s hope and idealistic political values. When John is first introduced he is described “to fashion [pots of clay], to give form, to feel his fingers gaining in skill and power- this gave him extraordinary pleasure”. This alliterative depiction brings attention to his uniqueness, developing his passions through free choice in favour over accepting a false happiness instilled by preconditioning. However, John’s sinful acts in the World State such as an “orgy porgy” lead him to take his own life, portrayed in the simile as “like two unhurried compass needles…north, north-east, east, south-east, south”. Similar to a compass needle, every vestige of John’s hope and humanity is rendered obsolete by the comforts of dystopian society. In Metropolis, Tima is an android used as a symbol for humanity’s purity. When first discovering the outside world, chiaroscuro is utilised to contrast her bright luminescence with the surrounding robots and environment. Her stunning depiction accompanied with the peacefulness of slow jazz music portrays how she is an individual untainted by Duke Red’s political agenda. At the film’s climax however, a vertical panning shot of her body reveals the entire extent of being forced to submit to the society created by the Duke. Vivid, red colours mixed with the emptiness of black consume half her face and starkly juxtaposes her pure, unblemished skin. Like John the Savage, Tima is used to signify the corruption of individuals caused by being a slave to society.
The distribution of power amongst social echelons evidently leads many individuals to feel a sense of unfulfillment or confusion with their society. Huxley communicates the oppressive nature of the World State’s totalitarian control on individuals by the character pair of Bernard and Helmholtz, both of whom are dissatisfied with their social status in the Alpha caste. Bernard’s frustration stems from his physique- described as “hardly better than the average Gamma”, demonstrating his society’s facile perception that physical stature determines social status. Helmholtz, on the other hand, longs for a creative power he likens to “all the water that goes down the falls instead of down the turbines”. The dichotomy between water imagery and the built environment represents the suppression of natural, human creativity by the industrialised control of the World State’s human conditioning. Likewise, the citizens of Rintaro’s Metropolis have formed a powerful stigma arising from concerns of robots threatening the human-regulated government. When the young protagonist Kenichi enters a robot storage facility, dark lighting is utilised to hide the robots’ physical appearances, contrasting with the brightly illuminated serial numbers above them. The use of chiaroscuro in this manner diminishes their significance as ‘members’ of society to being the mere results of mass production and belonging in the lowest caste, created by humans to conform to society but never intended to live as equals. This displeasure is further seen when an anti-robot political party interrogates the android Tima. A rotating camera circles around Tima’s dumbfounded countenance; the dynamic motion reflecting her confused state of identity caused by the society’s distinct division in social structure, since she is both human and robot. Both societies’ capitalist attitudes have caused these characters to be displeasingly aware of their eliminated individualism and desire change.
Both Huxley and Rintaro explore the individual’s struggle for purpose amidst their respective societies’ intense fixation on the ownership of power. Individuals will try and utilise numerous political circumstances and unique tools to supremely differentiate themselves from the majority of society, for example technological advancement. However, the resulting perpetual conflict with society evidently deteriorates the integrity of one’s identity and individualism.
Humankind’s individual struggle to maintain supremacy in an ever-changing world is amplified through technological and industrial advancement of the societies in both texts. Citizens in Huxley’s World State are the result of incredible technological progress, as seen through the frequent use of scientific jargon. For example, exclamations of the Director of Hatcheries and conditioning (DHC) boasting about how “Bokanovsky’s process is one of the major instruments of social stability!” coupled with numerical language such as the conveyor belt “travelling at the rate of thirty-three and a third centimeters an hour. Two hundred and sixty-seven days at eight metres a day”. The mechanised style of linguistic detail exposes a society in which individuals advantageously utilise the power of technology to exploit and dehumanise man through practices such as the World State’s mass production and conditioning of human individuals. The individual’s struggle for hegemonic power is also represented through Metropolis’ introduction of the ‘Ziggurat’: a technologically advanced weapon disguised as a building. The film’s opening features vectors of rolling clouds that cast the Ziggurat as the salient image with its apex penetrating high above the clouds. This dominating stature establishes it as symbol for mankind’s technological achievements and power. During a coup d’état orchestrated by Duke Red, a still frame of the president’s dead body positioned in the foreground is contrasted with the imposing background presence of the Ziggurat. This signals the shift of authority to selfish individuals who have harnessed available technological advancement, rendering the value of truth and collective unity to be meaningless. It is therefore evident that individuals will try and use the circumstances of their society to grow capable of exercising political control over others.
The constant oppression of political ideologies inflicted by society is capable of corrupting an individual’s moral code and eventually, their core identity. John the Savage is a character used as a model for the degradation of one’s hope and idealistic political values. When John is first introduced he is described “to fashion [pots of clay], to give form, to feel his fingers gaining in skill and power- this gave him extraordinary pleasure”. This alliterative depiction brings attention to his uniqueness, developing his passions through free choice in favour over accepting a false happiness instilled by preconditioning. However, John’s sinful acts in the World State such as an “orgy porgy” lead him to take his own life, portrayed in the simile as “like two unhurried compass needles…north, north-east, east, south-east, south”. Similar to a compass needle, every vestige of John’s hope and humanity is rendered obsolete by the comforts of dystopian society. In Metropolis, Tima is an android used as a symbol for humanity’s purity. When first discovering the outside world, chiaroscuro is utilised to contrast her bright luminescence with the surrounding robots and environment. Her stunning depiction accompanied with the peacefulness of slow jazz music portrays how she is an individual untainted by Duke Red’s political agenda. At the film’s climax however, a vertical panning shot of her body reveals the entire extent of being forced to submit to the society created by the Duke. Vivid, red colours mixed with the emptiness of black consume half her face and starkly juxtaposes her pure, unblemished skin. Like John the Savage, Tima is used to signify the corruption of individuals caused by being a slave to society.
The distribution of power amongst social echelons evidently leads many individuals to feel a sense of unfulfillment or confusion with their society. Huxley communicates the oppressive nature of the World State’s totalitarian control on individuals by the character pair of Bernard and Helmholtz, both of whom are dissatisfied with their social status in the Alpha caste. Bernard’s frustration stems from his physique- described as “hardly better than the average Gamma”, demonstrating his society’s facile perception that physical stature determines social status. Helmholtz, on the other hand, longs for a creative power he likens to “all the water that goes down the falls instead of down the turbines”. The dichotomy between water imagery and the built environment represents the suppression of natural, human creativity by the industrialised control of the World State’s human conditioning. Likewise, the citizens of Rintaro’s Metropolis have formed a powerful stigma arising from concerns of robots threatening the human-regulated government. When the young protagonist Kenichi enters a robot storage facility, dark lighting is utilised to hide the robots’ physical appearances, contrasting with the brightly illuminated serial numbers above them. The use of chiaroscuro in this manner diminishes their significance as ‘members’ of society to being the mere results of mass production and belonging in the lowest caste, created by humans to conform to society but never intended to live as equals. This displeasure is further seen when an anti-robot political party interrogates the android Tima. A rotating camera circles around Tima’s dumbfounded countenance; the dynamic motion reflecting her confused state of identity caused by the society’s distinct division in social structure, since she is both human and robot. Both societies’ capitalist attitudes have caused these characters to be displeasingly aware of their eliminated individualism and desire change.
Both Huxley and Rintaro explore the individual’s struggle for purpose amidst their respective societies’ intense fixation on the ownership of power. Individuals will try and utilise numerous political circumstances and unique tools to supremely differentiate themselves from the majority of society, for example technological advancement. However, the resulting perpetual conflict with society evidently deteriorates the integrity of one’s identity and individualism.
Also, I was thinking of using this as a basis for a memorised essay...would you have any tips concerning this?
Thanks- Wes :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 12, 2016, 11:24:25 pm
Hi this is my mod c essay (elective: people and politics). my prescribed text is "wag the dog" and a related text was not required for this essay. I have a few things to ask for:
1. could you please let me know if i have answered the question (the question is at the top of the document attached)?
2. let me know if my analysis is great (or not)?
3. as I will have to write this in as in an inclass exam, I need to shorten it by about 200 words so if you find anything irrelevant, could you please let me know so I can delete it?
4. Im not sure if I have talk about the effect of Levinsons's representations on the external audience (us) enough?
5. Have I talked enough about the satirical nature? (my teacher made a big point about satire so im concerned about that)
6. basically I would like to know if this is a band 6 or a 20/20 essay response.
So sorry for asking for a lot but your help would be greatly appreciated!!!
My essay is attached.
Hey there lha! Sorry for the delay in this feedback! Essay is attached and I'll answer your questions below! ;D
Spoiler
Evaluate how competing or similar political perspectives offer new understandings of individuals and the broader world. In your response make detailed reference to your prescribed text.
The competing political perspectives of individuals in society are revealed by the representation of critical political situations in its texts. Cool Thesis, but you could go deeper. WHY are they revealed? (it would have something to do with multiple viewpoints being better than one) As a result, representors like Barry Levinson are able to portray politics as an alluring affair to the broader world, formulated by hierarchical power structures that present displeasing situations in a favourable manner to a naïve society in order to establish new understandings thought to be sincere. This is a little vague; new understandings about what? Doesn't quite flow naturally from the first sentence. Levinson therefore utilises the filmic medium in Wag the Dog (1997) to represent his own belief in the presence of corruption and manipulation at the foundation of the American political system; that an individual’s reliance on political idols, in accordance with an their desire to believe, stimulates their trust for a deceitful organisation while constituting a degree of vulnerability to gullibility. Good! But again, this doesn't really flow from the last sentence, the "therefore" is throwing me a little. Levinson’s representation of a real life political event occurring in his context of 1997 therefore reveals his own personal belief of the manipulative influence that a corrupt political system has on people in society. Solid Thesis overall, good work. However, this is an EVALUATE question, you must include your judgement as to how effectively the text gives the audience new insights. I'm looking for words like "effectively" or "ineffectively" (and more interesting versions).
In Wag the Dog, Levinson’s belief in the corruption of politics is primarily represented through his allegorical portrayal of political situations. Good! I'd like to see this as the second sentence in your paragraph though, to start, try doing something about what the corruption of politics reveals about politicians (link to question). This belief regarding the corruptive behaviour of politically dominant authority is primarily expressed by Levinson through his satirical representation of a fictional political scandal, commonly interpreted as a historical allusion to the famous Monica Lewinsky Scandal of 1998. Satire, as shown through the dialogue of Tracy, “what would they do if I did tell someone?” and Brean’s response, “come to your house and kill you”, is relied upon by Levinson as a textual form to articulate this fraudulent political situation while ensuring the constant relevancy of his film to all contexts and political situations. Not really a textual "form," more a stylistic feature of sorts, but good! Furthermore, Levinson’s cynicism towards politics is affirmed in his characterisation of Conrad Brean. He is introduced as “Mr Fix It” in the opening scene, accompanied with upbeat, non-diegetic, guitar notes creating anticipation amongst the viewers of the film that an individual of important status has been announced. Try not to slip too much into recount; focus on techniques! Brean’s condescending tone as he addresses his colleagues as “you kids” further emphasises his own narcissism, an expression to the film’s audience of not only his valuable positioning in the political party, but Levinson’s own belief of a common cause of corruption within it. Slightly awkward wording there. Levinson additionally uses satire through this characterisation of Brean to confound the audience as he has not conformed to the emblematic political standards of the President being in power. Thus, his representation of the metaphorical political ‘spin doctor’ reveals his personal perspective of the corruption caused by what he believes to be the real puppet masters of politics. Levinson’s juxtaposing characterisation of Sergeant William Schumman, a convict who “raped a nun” pretending to be a war hero, as a personification of the corruption occurring is further indicative of this pessimistic stance on politics; a symbolic tool the composer employs to convey Schumman's use by the political system. Levinson’s representation of his characters and contextual political situations successfully conveys his own belief based valuation of the corruptive behaviour he deems to be rife within politics. Your analysis in this paragraph is great on the whole! Be careful not to lean too heavily on plot details. Nice evaluative statement at the end, try and integrate it a little more, and further, try to offer what the audience learns about individuals/world a little more clearly.
The manipulative power of politics is asserted by Levinson by means of representation of a political party’s ability to retaliate against defamatory political situations. The close-up shot of the actors’ eyes, coexisting with the repetitive, metaphorical statement to “not change horses midstream” in the political advertisement campaign is used to persuade the internal audience, the American public, to act in a certain way. In what way? What does the audience learn? Levinson depicts a typical American campaign to manifest his belief of manipulative politics while also relating the external audience’s reality of a real time election to his metafictive film. Great, but would be better with specific techniques/examples. Levinson expands this connection to the external audience through the satirical manipulation of the public of the film, the height difference and low angled shot of the younger actor within the advertisement symbolising the inferiority of the public as compared to the political party. You are using satire frequently (not seeing the text I can't vouch for how accurate it is, but it works effectively from an essay standpoint). Brean’s hyperbolic tone within the question, “what have they done for us?” allows the manipulation of Motss to agree with him on his decision to stage a war. What does this show the audience? In addition, the ironic lyrics played during the ceremony of Schumann’s return, “our minds are sharp, our eyes are clear”, are used to manipulate the internal audience into the belief that they are being told the truth and that they can clearly see the ”issues” that their country is facing. Slipping into textual retell here, why does this matter for us as an audience? What do we learn? Through this, Levinson fluently presents his belief of the subtle tactics used by ‘spin doctors’ to profoundly manipulate the public. Moreover, the manipulation observable in the film is conveyed to the external audience through Brean’s foreshadowing dialogue where he states that “we’re not gonna have a war, we’re gonna have the appearance of a war”. Levinson has used this response to a politically scandalous situation to articulate his belief of the manipulatory behaviour used by political cadre. Through these scenes, Levinson has represented the political situations to articulate his confident beliefs of the manipulative organization that is politics.
Levinson’s representation also illuminates his cogent belief of the gullibility of the public through his portrayal of political situations and events concerning this tendency in his film. Throughout it’s entirety, Levinson portrays the internal public in an unintelligent and deceivable light as shown through Motss‘ rhetorical dialogue, “what does it matter if it’s true?“. Thus showing? In addition, the dark scene in which Motts and Brean are seen throwing shoes into a tree, is illuminated by the street light to initiate the significance of their actions, and is reaffirmed through Motss‘ high modality dialogue where he foreshadows that they are making “history Connie!“. Levinson has used this politically motivated situation and the following scene consisting of a low angle shot of a pair of white shoes being flung onto electrical wires, to reinforce his compelling belief that societies are subjected to gullibility upon indirect commands given by political figures. Good work here, but try to bring it in earlier rather than just doing the link at the end! Furthermore, a montage of panning shots commencing with the single pair of shoes combines with a focused shot on a pair of shoes in a tree set against a backdrop of many others to create a symbol of the abundance of citizens that politics has deluded. Non-diegetic music, repeating the words “old shoe” portrays the progression of naivety amongst the gullible public. Levinson, through this political event, has vocalised his opinion that as more people are administered information thought to be reliable, increased groups of credulous people become victimised due to their ignorance to an issue. Moreover, the scene in which the spin team produce a parody of a war to create fake political propaganda is also used by Levinson to express the innocence of citizens in relation to politics. The girl hired in this scene to unknowingly impersonate an Albanian girl amidst an Albanian war exclaims that she “can’t wait to put this on [her] resume!“. This sentence is retell, you can remove it, it doesn't do anything for you. Her callowness is used by Levinson as a satirical means to further conduct his belief of a dupable society to political schemes. This paragraph needs a broader conclusion as you have earlier.
In summation, Wag the Dog is eloquent of the corruption within politics, manipulation of politicians and gullible nature of the public. Get rid of "in summation." Sounds awkward in my opinion. The representation of disreputable political situations and electoral events has been made by Levinson through the use of devices and conduits to prove his cynical political perspective, beliefs and values. Thus, through the representation of political events and situations, the revealing of Levinson’s beliefs and values has been made. Slightly awkward wording in that last sentence too.
The competing political perspectives of individuals in society are revealed by the representation of critical political situations in its texts. Cool Thesis, but you could go deeper. WHY are they revealed? (it would have something to do with multiple viewpoints being better than one) As a result, representors like Barry Levinson are able to portray politics as an alluring affair to the broader world, formulated by hierarchical power structures that present displeasing situations in a favourable manner to a naïve society in order to establish new understandings thought to be sincere. This is a little vague; new understandings about what? Doesn't quite flow naturally from the first sentence. Levinson therefore utilises the filmic medium in Wag the Dog (1997) to represent his own belief in the presence of corruption and manipulation at the foundation of the American political system; that an individual’s reliance on political idols, in accordance with an their desire to believe, stimulates their trust for a deceitful organisation while constituting a degree of vulnerability to gullibility. Good! But again, this doesn't really flow from the last sentence, the "therefore" is throwing me a little. Levinson’s representation of a real life political event occurring in his context of 1997 therefore reveals his own personal belief of the manipulative influence that a corrupt political system has on people in society. Solid Thesis overall, good work. However, this is an EVALUATE question, you must include your judgement as to how effectively the text gives the audience new insights. I'm looking for words like "effectively" or "ineffectively" (and more interesting versions).
In Wag the Dog, Levinson’s belief in the corruption of politics is primarily represented through his allegorical portrayal of political situations. Good! I'd like to see this as the second sentence in your paragraph though, to start, try doing something about what the corruption of politics reveals about politicians (link to question). This belief regarding the corruptive behaviour of politically dominant authority is primarily expressed by Levinson through his satirical representation of a fictional political scandal, commonly interpreted as a historical allusion to the famous Monica Lewinsky Scandal of 1998. Satire, as shown through the dialogue of Tracy, “what would they do if I did tell someone?” and Brean’s response, “come to your house and kill you”, is relied upon by Levinson as a textual form to articulate this fraudulent political situation while ensuring the constant relevancy of his film to all contexts and political situations. Not really a textual "form," more a stylistic feature of sorts, but good! Furthermore, Levinson’s cynicism towards politics is affirmed in his characterisation of Conrad Brean. He is introduced as “Mr Fix It” in the opening scene, accompanied with upbeat, non-diegetic, guitar notes creating anticipation amongst the viewers of the film that an individual of important status has been announced. Try not to slip too much into recount; focus on techniques! Brean’s condescending tone as he addresses his colleagues as “you kids” further emphasises his own narcissism, an expression to the film’s audience of not only his valuable positioning in the political party, but Levinson’s own belief of a common cause of corruption within it. Slightly awkward wording there. Levinson additionally uses satire through this characterisation of Brean to confound the audience as he has not conformed to the emblematic political standards of the President being in power. Thus, his representation of the metaphorical political ‘spin doctor’ reveals his personal perspective of the corruption caused by what he believes to be the real puppet masters of politics. Levinson’s juxtaposing characterisation of Sergeant William Schumman, a convict who “raped a nun” pretending to be a war hero, as a personification of the corruption occurring is further indicative of this pessimistic stance on politics; a symbolic tool the composer employs to convey Schumman's use by the political system. Levinson’s representation of his characters and contextual political situations successfully conveys his own belief based valuation of the corruptive behaviour he deems to be rife within politics. Your analysis in this paragraph is great on the whole! Be careful not to lean too heavily on plot details. Nice evaluative statement at the end, try and integrate it a little more, and further, try to offer what the audience learns about individuals/world a little more clearly.
The manipulative power of politics is asserted by Levinson by means of representation of a political party’s ability to retaliate against defamatory political situations. The close-up shot of the actors’ eyes, coexisting with the repetitive, metaphorical statement to “not change horses midstream” in the political advertisement campaign is used to persuade the internal audience, the American public, to act in a certain way. In what way? What does the audience learn? Levinson depicts a typical American campaign to manifest his belief of manipulative politics while also relating the external audience’s reality of a real time election to his metafictive film. Great, but would be better with specific techniques/examples. Levinson expands this connection to the external audience through the satirical manipulation of the public of the film, the height difference and low angled shot of the younger actor within the advertisement symbolising the inferiority of the public as compared to the political party. You are using satire frequently (not seeing the text I can't vouch for how accurate it is, but it works effectively from an essay standpoint). Brean’s hyperbolic tone within the question, “what have they done for us?” allows the manipulation of Motss to agree with him on his decision to stage a war. What does this show the audience? In addition, the ironic lyrics played during the ceremony of Schumann’s return, “our minds are sharp, our eyes are clear”, are used to manipulate the internal audience into the belief that they are being told the truth and that they can clearly see the ”issues” that their country is facing. Slipping into textual retell here, why does this matter for us as an audience? What do we learn? Through this, Levinson fluently presents his belief of the subtle tactics used by ‘spin doctors’ to profoundly manipulate the public. Moreover, the manipulation observable in the film is conveyed to the external audience through Brean’s foreshadowing dialogue where he states that “we’re not gonna have a war, we’re gonna have the appearance of a war”. Levinson has used this response to a politically scandalous situation to articulate his belief of the manipulatory behaviour used by political cadre. Through these scenes, Levinson has represented the political situations to articulate his confident beliefs of the manipulative organization that is politics.
Levinson’s representation also illuminates his cogent belief of the gullibility of the public through his portrayal of political situations and events concerning this tendency in his film. Throughout it’s entirety, Levinson portrays the internal public in an unintelligent and deceivable light as shown through Motss‘ rhetorical dialogue, “what does it matter if it’s true?“. Thus showing? In addition, the dark scene in which Motts and Brean are seen throwing shoes into a tree, is illuminated by the street light to initiate the significance of their actions, and is reaffirmed through Motss‘ high modality dialogue where he foreshadows that they are making “history Connie!“. Levinson has used this politically motivated situation and the following scene consisting of a low angle shot of a pair of white shoes being flung onto electrical wires, to reinforce his compelling belief that societies are subjected to gullibility upon indirect commands given by political figures. Good work here, but try to bring it in earlier rather than just doing the link at the end! Furthermore, a montage of panning shots commencing with the single pair of shoes combines with a focused shot on a pair of shoes in a tree set against a backdrop of many others to create a symbol of the abundance of citizens that politics has deluded. Non-diegetic music, repeating the words “old shoe” portrays the progression of naivety amongst the gullible public. Levinson, through this political event, has vocalised his opinion that as more people are administered information thought to be reliable, increased groups of credulous people become victimised due to their ignorance to an issue. Moreover, the scene in which the spin team produce a parody of a war to create fake political propaganda is also used by Levinson to express the innocence of citizens in relation to politics. The girl hired in this scene to unknowingly impersonate an Albanian girl amidst an Albanian war exclaims that she “can’t wait to put this on [her] resume!“. This sentence is retell, you can remove it, it doesn't do anything for you. Her callowness is used by Levinson as a satirical means to further conduct his belief of a dupable society to political schemes. This paragraph needs a broader conclusion as you have earlier.
In summation, Wag the Dog is eloquent of the corruption within politics, manipulation of politicians and gullible nature of the public. Get rid of "in summation." Sounds awkward in my opinion. The representation of disreputable political situations and electoral events has been made by Levinson through the use of devices and conduits to prove his cynical political perspective, beliefs and values. Thus, through the representation of political events and situations, the revealing of Levinson’s beliefs and values has been made. Slightly awkward wording in that last sentence too.
1. Could you please let me know if i have answered the question (the question is at the top of the document attached)?
Yes and no. I think you are linking to the question indirectly, but you need to work on what the AUDIENCE learns about individuals and their broader world to be a little more effective. This may involve slightly rewording your paragraph topic sentences or Thesis to create a greater link between the composers' views on politics and what the audience gains from the text.
2. let me know if my analysis is great (or not)?
Your use of techniques is great, very representation driven response (perfect for Mod C) with little slips into retell. Again, the only thing letting you down is linking to what the audience learns from the text. You do it implicitly in places, but it needs to be obvious throughout the response.
3. as I will have to write this in as in an inclass exam, I need to shorten it by about 200 words so if you find anything irrelevant, could you please let me know so I can delete it?
I can't see too much specifically "irrelevant," but you can definitely be a little more succinct with your wording. Keep working on the essay and try to express yourself with the same meaning in less words: Shuffle words around to make things flow better, use more powerful word choices, remove all unnecessary plot details ;D
4. Im not sure if I have talk about the effect of Levinsons's representations on the external audience (us) enough?
See comments above. This is (for me) your biggest avenue for improvement :)
5. Have I talked enough about the satirical nature? (my teacher made a big point about satire so im concerned about that)
It starts to slip out of the focus the further the essay goes on, but it isn't in the question, so I wouldn't stress too much! :)
6. basically I would like to know if this is a band 6 or a 20/20 essay response.
It is definitely getting there!! It is just that audience thing, it isn't much, but adding it will fix so much and get you up into that Band 6 range, it is close!! Right now I'd say it is a Band 5 response (take my word with many grains of salt, I know I can be a harsh marker at times, for numerical estimates always better to go to your teacher) ;D
I hope this feedback helps you, and sorry again for the delay!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 12, 2016, 11:48:37 pm
I was wondering if you would be able to critique a generic essay that I have made for module B
I am currently doing speeches and was wondering where I can improve in this current draft
Sup Jimmy! Sure thing, sorry for the delay, happy to give you feedback (obviously remember to direct your essay to the question at hand):
Spoiler
A speech is a powerful oration that has the proclivity to foster anger and resentment along with the propensity to galvanise nations, thus rhetorical forms and features are integral to the success of such speeches as they relay the orator’s purpose while maintaining textual integrity. A cool Thesis, but I think you could split it into two sentences and go into a little more depth with each (when you have a question). This is demonstrated throughout Anwar Sadat’s 1977 Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Former Prime Minister Paul Keating’s Redfern Speech, which both inextricably link the necessity for peace and equality based on justice into their speeches though an accumulation of rhetorical devices. Excellent text introduction, brilliant work. Both orations are contingent upon the use of rhetoric to engage the audience and achieve the orator’s desired purpose through the medium of common concerns revolving around peace and equality based on justice. Great work! A nice Thesis, tailor it to the question as suited, remember to set up the structure for your following paragraphs.
Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset aims to improve the relationships between Egypt and Israel through the promotion of peace and equality between the two despite decades of ‘sanguinary conflict’. Would love to see a more abstract topic sentence before this one, like maybe: "Orators may use rhetorical techniques to remove audience prejudices," or something similarly general that applies to this paragraph. Sadat establishes a peaceful base during his prelude, “Peace and mercy of God upon you”, beginning with a pathetic religious appeal, framing the speech in a religious light. He follows this statement with an explicit reference to peace, “I come to you to you today on solid ground, to shape a new life, to establish peace”. Be careful not to adopt a "This happened, then this happened" approach, markers hate it. The anaphoric repetition of infinitive verbs draws attention to the emphatic power behind the words as Sadat aims to cast aside all retrospective notions of resentment and war to forge new peace with Egypt. Sadat’s stance on peace is further compounded near the peroration where he says, “We are in for a … new life, the life of love, prosperity, freedom and peace”. Sadat’s inclusive parlance unites both Israel and Egypt in the pursuit of a new life through his ardent accumulation of desires between the two states as both yearn for mutual ‘freedom and peace’. This paragraph needs a conclusion (which would link to the question)
The themes of peace and equality are integrated into Paul Keating’s Redfern Speech, which was a reconciliation aimed at harmonising the relationship and building a base of trust between Indigenous and Non-Indigenous Australians despite Australia’s “bad history”. Keating immediately frames the speech as an emotional appeal to Australian culture, saying “Our ability to say to ourselves … that we are … truly the land of the fair go”. Effect on the immediate audience? Effect on us? Keating’s vernacular diction somewhat truncates his political ethos, facilitating a more empathetic portrayal of Keating within the opening minutes while implicitly alluding to future equality between groups. Try to be a little more succinct by discussing quote and technique in the one sentence. Easier for the marker, easier for you, and will encourage you to remove unnecessary plot detail (massive plus, there is a lot to cover in this sort of essay, you don't have space for redundant detail. This concept of current inequality is presented when Keating says, “The report of the Royal Commission into Aboriginal deaths showed with devastating clarity that the past lives on in inequality, racism and justice”. Keating’s introduction of logos into the statement is further intensified by the oxymoronic nature of ‘devastating clarity’ along with the inherent accentuation in the accumulative listing of “inequality, racism and justice”, which gradually places more emphasis on each subsequent noun. Immediately framing the speech to address inequality through various rhetorical techniques ensures that Keating’s purpose is construed appropriately. A solid paragraph! Again though, a little more succinct would give you room for more evidence, and further, I need to see more of what the speeches mean for us as modern responders, remember to analyse the impact on ALL audiences.
In both speeches, the ever-present theme of peace and equality coalesces into a more evocative argument, one of peace based on justice. This assertion manifests itself throughout Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset, when Sadat says, “together we might build a durable peace based on justice, to avoid the shedding of one single drop of blood”. Explicitly referencing a peace based upon justice, Sadat’s inclusive diction in ‘together we’ followed by low modality in ‘might’ frames the speech as contingent upon Israel’s decision, which is pressured by Sadat through pathetic imagery in the drop of blood reference, integrating both Israel and Egypt into the solution. Sadat’s postulation of peace based on justice reoccurs when Sadat says, “we have today reached the edge of a horrifying abyss and a terrifying disaster, unless, together, we seize the opportunity, today, of a durable peace based on justice”. Again want to warn against the "Sadat says, "____"" approach, it is very easy to slip into retell that way, and you can be more succinct without it regardless. Sadat’s stark, metaphoric imagery serves to highlight the current relationship between Egypt and Israel, succeeded with Sadat’s proposed solution consisting of inclusive diction and high modality in ‘we seize’. By wholly integrating both states into this peace based on justice, Sadat reaffirms the point of contention through excessive punctuation, allowing for the oration to drastically emphasise the solution to the Knesset, being ‘peace based on justice’.
Peace and equality based on justice is homogenous throughout Keating’s Redfern Speech and is reinforced through various rhetorical devices. This thematic decision presents itself when Keating references the Terra Nullius decision, saying “By doing away with the bizarre conceit that this continent had no owners … Mabo establishes a fundamental truth and lays the basis for justice”. Immediately providing the framework of Terra Nullius as a ‘bizarre conceit’, Keating makes a pathetic emotional appeal to the majority indigenous audience by denouncing its pertinence, then augments this pathos centred argument by integrating logos via the Mabo decision and recognising that justice extends from ‘a fundamental truth’, acknowledging that Indigenous Australian’s suffered injustice which needs to be rectified. Effective recognition of immediate audience here, good stuff! Again though, could be a little more succinct. This aspect of justice re-emerges when Keating says, “I believe that the great things about Australian social democracy reflect a fundamental belief in justice”. Keating’s inclusive parlance and high modality shifts the focus of peace based on justice to appeal towards Australian patriotism, specifically that of the democratic values held by Australians. Be careful not to overly rely on inclusive diction as a technique (I had this issue in Year 12 too), try to pick creative examples with a variety of rhetorical techniques. This cultural appeal is strengthened due to Keating’s ethos as a leader of Australia and a supporter of Australian values along, which foster peace and equality based on justice.
It is through an analytical examination of both Anwar Sadat’s 1977 Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Former Prime Minister Paul Keating’s Redfern Speech that the composers’ purpose and meaning is structured by their choice of rhetorical language forms and features. Maybe not "structured by", more "evident within" perhaps? Both texts utilise these forms and features to maintain textual integrity throughout the speech, ensuring that the correct purpose and meaning is conveyed. Through this balance of rhetoric and purpose, the audience is encapsulated throughout and their purposes of peace based on equality are expressed.
Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset aims to improve the relationships between Egypt and Israel through the promotion of peace and equality between the two despite decades of ‘sanguinary conflict’. Would love to see a more abstract topic sentence before this one, like maybe: "Orators may use rhetorical techniques to remove audience prejudices," or something similarly general that applies to this paragraph. Sadat establishes a peaceful base during his prelude, “Peace and mercy of God upon you”, beginning with a pathetic religious appeal, framing the speech in a religious light. He follows this statement with an explicit reference to peace, “I come to you to you today on solid ground, to shape a new life, to establish peace”. Be careful not to adopt a "This happened, then this happened" approach, markers hate it. The anaphoric repetition of infinitive verbs draws attention to the emphatic power behind the words as Sadat aims to cast aside all retrospective notions of resentment and war to forge new peace with Egypt. Sadat’s stance on peace is further compounded near the peroration where he says, “We are in for a … new life, the life of love, prosperity, freedom and peace”. Sadat’s inclusive parlance unites both Israel and Egypt in the pursuit of a new life through his ardent accumulation of desires between the two states as both yearn for mutual ‘freedom and peace’. This paragraph needs a conclusion (which would link to the question)
The themes of peace and equality are integrated into Paul Keating’s Redfern Speech, which was a reconciliation aimed at harmonising the relationship and building a base of trust between Indigenous and Non-Indigenous Australians despite Australia’s “bad history”. Keating immediately frames the speech as an emotional appeal to Australian culture, saying “Our ability to say to ourselves … that we are … truly the land of the fair go”. Effect on the immediate audience? Effect on us? Keating’s vernacular diction somewhat truncates his political ethos, facilitating a more empathetic portrayal of Keating within the opening minutes while implicitly alluding to future equality between groups. Try to be a little more succinct by discussing quote and technique in the one sentence. Easier for the marker, easier for you, and will encourage you to remove unnecessary plot detail (massive plus, there is a lot to cover in this sort of essay, you don't have space for redundant detail. This concept of current inequality is presented when Keating says, “The report of the Royal Commission into Aboriginal deaths showed with devastating clarity that the past lives on in inequality, racism and justice”. Keating’s introduction of logos into the statement is further intensified by the oxymoronic nature of ‘devastating clarity’ along with the inherent accentuation in the accumulative listing of “inequality, racism and justice”, which gradually places more emphasis on each subsequent noun. Immediately framing the speech to address inequality through various rhetorical techniques ensures that Keating’s purpose is construed appropriately. A solid paragraph! Again though, a little more succinct would give you room for more evidence, and further, I need to see more of what the speeches mean for us as modern responders, remember to analyse the impact on ALL audiences.
In both speeches, the ever-present theme of peace and equality coalesces into a more evocative argument, one of peace based on justice. This assertion manifests itself throughout Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset, when Sadat says, “together we might build a durable peace based on justice, to avoid the shedding of one single drop of blood”. Explicitly referencing a peace based upon justice, Sadat’s inclusive diction in ‘together we’ followed by low modality in ‘might’ frames the speech as contingent upon Israel’s decision, which is pressured by Sadat through pathetic imagery in the drop of blood reference, integrating both Israel and Egypt into the solution. Sadat’s postulation of peace based on justice reoccurs when Sadat says, “we have today reached the edge of a horrifying abyss and a terrifying disaster, unless, together, we seize the opportunity, today, of a durable peace based on justice”. Again want to warn against the "Sadat says, "____"" approach, it is very easy to slip into retell that way, and you can be more succinct without it regardless. Sadat’s stark, metaphoric imagery serves to highlight the current relationship between Egypt and Israel, succeeded with Sadat’s proposed solution consisting of inclusive diction and high modality in ‘we seize’. By wholly integrating both states into this peace based on justice, Sadat reaffirms the point of contention through excessive punctuation, allowing for the oration to drastically emphasise the solution to the Knesset, being ‘peace based on justice’.
Peace and equality based on justice is homogenous throughout Keating’s Redfern Speech and is reinforced through various rhetorical devices. This thematic decision presents itself when Keating references the Terra Nullius decision, saying “By doing away with the bizarre conceit that this continent had no owners … Mabo establishes a fundamental truth and lays the basis for justice”. Immediately providing the framework of Terra Nullius as a ‘bizarre conceit’, Keating makes a pathetic emotional appeal to the majority indigenous audience by denouncing its pertinence, then augments this pathos centred argument by integrating logos via the Mabo decision and recognising that justice extends from ‘a fundamental truth’, acknowledging that Indigenous Australian’s suffered injustice which needs to be rectified. Effective recognition of immediate audience here, good stuff! Again though, could be a little more succinct. This aspect of justice re-emerges when Keating says, “I believe that the great things about Australian social democracy reflect a fundamental belief in justice”. Keating’s inclusive parlance and high modality shifts the focus of peace based on justice to appeal towards Australian patriotism, specifically that of the democratic values held by Australians. Be careful not to overly rely on inclusive diction as a technique (I had this issue in Year 12 too), try to pick creative examples with a variety of rhetorical techniques. This cultural appeal is strengthened due to Keating’s ethos as a leader of Australia and a supporter of Australian values along, which foster peace and equality based on justice.
It is through an analytical examination of both Anwar Sadat’s 1977 Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Former Prime Minister Paul Keating’s Redfern Speech that the composers’ purpose and meaning is structured by their choice of rhetorical language forms and features. Maybe not "structured by", more "evident within" perhaps? Both texts utilise these forms and features to maintain textual integrity throughout the speech, ensuring that the correct purpose and meaning is conveyed. Through this balance of rhetoric and purpose, the audience is encapsulated throughout and their purposes of peace based on equality are expressed.
This is the framework for a cool essay Jimmy! Definitely very general, not going anywhere in particular, so remember to really rework this for any question you get. This would answer many questions decently, but it would very few questions very effectively in its current form. I know your writing now and I know this will be of no issue for you ;D
As some general bits of feedback, first I'd say is remember that speeches are given to an audience. Remember to make the impact on audience very obvious throughout the essay, and that includes US as responders to the speech. What do we take away from the speech (this is important if you want to discuss textual integrity, usually defined as the texts values remaining relevant over time and every piece of it coming together to achieve this). A greater audience focus would up the level of analysis.
Secondly (and I know you can do this because I've seen it before), I'm looking for some more succinct expression. In this response you settle into a two sentence pattern; first sentence introduces the quote and where it falls, second sentence identifies the composers desire for the technique. Try to remove the details about where the quote sits in the speech (unless super necessary) and condense all of this into a single sentence. This will improve sophistication and give you room for a few more examples, which would be beneficial :)
On the whole though, a cool framework with good ideas and a solid foundation, good work! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 13, 2016, 01:06:14 am
Hey heres my hamlet essay, not sure if its good or whatever but i need to cut a lot down. I have a listening task in a couple of days for hamlet and its supposed to be 50 50 or 60 40 i think but at this rate writing 1300 + excerpt words does not seem very realistic haha
thanks guys :))
Hey Mizuki!! Thanks for posting your essay! Unfortunately we have a restriction for marking on this forum, you must have a minimum of 5 posts on ATAR Notes. This is to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged up and thus remains as beneficial as possible. I feel so bad enforcing this because you are only 1 post away, but I have to make sure we stay consistent. Go post literally one question or comment anywhere you like on the forums, then come back and let me know and I'll mark your essay for you ASAP! (Ps - Posting back in this forum AS your 5th post doesn't count ;) ) Thanks in advance ;D
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 14, 2016, 08:44:22 am
Secondly (and I know you can do this because I've seen it before), I'm looking for some more succinct expression. In this response you settle into a two sentence pattern; first sentence introduces the quote and where it falls, second sentence identifies the composers desire for the technique. Try to remove the details about where the quote sits in the speech (unless super necessary) and condense all of this into a single sentence. This will improve sophistication and give you room for a few more examples, which would be beneficial :)
I really appreciate the feedback however I am trying to wrap my head around how to introduce a quote the way you suggest, I've just fallen into a pattern after years of doing it this way, would you be able to give me a short example by any chance?
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 14, 2016, 09:32:54 am
I really appreciate the feedback however I am trying to wrap my head around how to introduce a quote the way you suggest, I've just fallen into a pattern after years of doing it this way, would you be able to give me a short example by any chance?
I'll try take a look at this based on what I think Jamon means at a glance. An example would be:
"The bus is a metaphor for the banality of routine in her life, thus describing the situation that has stimulated her consequent discovery. " So I've identified the technique and the analysis in the one sentence, rather than dividing them into two.
Similarly seen here: "The mise-en-scene of the beach background supports Adam’s claims to being a “shire boy” before stating that all boat people are “criminals.”"
It definitely doesn't hurt to introduce the quote and the technique in one sentence, and then the analysis of the quote in the next sentence. But, varying that structure is very beneficial. One of my strongest pieces of advice for making your essay more punchy is to use less sentences without cutting any important analysis. Think of it like cordial, you've got all of this water mixed in with the straight cordial: the good stuff. You've got to go through and pull out of the water until you are left with seriously concentrated cordial: super sweet, strong, and colourful. When you have two sentences, when you could in fact suffice with one that is far stronger, you leave a lot of room for the water to be sitting around the strong cordial.
To reiterate, it doesn't hurt to use the two sentence structure. BUT, an essay will be stronger if you can use the two sentence structure sometimes, and sometimes combine those two sentences into one really succinct and powerful sentence.
Jamon might come along to confirm whether or not this is what he intended when he said this, but this is my advice :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2016, 10:17:11 am
I'll try take a look at this based on what I think Jamon means at a glance. An example would be:
"The bus is a metaphor for the banality of routine in her life, thus describing the situation that has stimulated her consequent discovery. " So I've identified the technique and the analysis in the one sentence, rather than dividing them into two.
Similarly seen here: "The mise-en-scene of the beach background supports Adam’s claims to being a “shire boy” before stating that all boat people are “criminals.”"
It definitely doesn't hurt to introduce the quote and the technique in one sentence, and then the analysis of the quote in the next sentence. But, varying that structure is very beneficial. One of my strongest pieces of advice for making your essay more punchy is to use less sentences without cutting any important analysis. Think of it like cordial, you've got all of this water mixed in with the straight cordial: the good stuff. You've got to go through and pull out of the water until you are left with seriously concentrated cordial: super sweet, strong, and colourful. When you have two sentences, when you could in fact suffice with one that is far stronger, you leave a lot of room for the water to be sitting around the strong cordial.
To reiterate, it doesn't hurt to use the two sentence structure. BUT, an essay will be stronger if you can use the two sentence structure sometimes, and sometimes combine those two sentences into one really succinct and powerful sentence.
Jamon might come along to confirm whether or not this is what he intended when he said this, but this is my advice :)
Agree on all counts! It's all about sentence variety (important) and being succinct with your analysis (even more important).
The use of demand complements the composers use of powerful figurative language in the conclusive mantra; "Ideas are bulletproof," effectively communicates the importance of political activism to a modern audience.
This sentence hits technique, example, and audience impact, and a little bit of explanation too. I would vary my structure, including order and length, to include different things at different times in different ways. I really like Elyse's cordial analogy here; you don't need to take out all the water, but strong cordial is better than weak cordial, especially if you fill the cup back up with more cordial ;)
I understand how hard it is to break patterns, but keep working on it! With practice your writing style will continue to develop ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2016, 10:58:59 am
HULLOOOOOOOOOO. This is just a practice essay question for Mod C: People in Politics. :)
Also, I was thinking of using this as a basis for a memorised essay...would you have any tips concerning this?
Thanks- Wes :)
Spoiler
Explore how the relationship between the individual and society is explored in Brave New World and ONE other related text of your choosing:
The longing to acquire an unequivocal control over oneself and one’s environment is an intrinsic desire within every individual. Aldous Huxley’s novel Brave New World (1932) reveals this desire through exploring the mixed actions of individuals in response to the totalitarian oppression of the World State; Huxley’s dystopian reinforced through the animated film Metropolis (2001), directed by Rintaro. Great start! Slightly messy wording in this sentence though, had to do a double take. Metropolis’ explores the dangerous society has degraded how truth and individuality are valued. This conflict is further political activities between the plutocratic industrialist Duke Red, and an insurgent rebel organisation, as well as the unstable relationship between robots and their human masters. Again, this sentence doesn't quite read smoothly. Also, is detailing the forms of conflict absolutely necessary? Both texts effectively demonstrate how a relentless pursuit for political control makes the harmonious unity of values between an individual and their society practically impossible. GOod intro! I really like this conclusive sentence ;D I would like to see you list your paragraph arguments to properly set up your essay!
Humankind’s individual struggle to maintain supremacy in an ever-changing world is amplified through technological and industrial advancement of the societies in both texts. Excellent! Try to introduce the text in a little more detail, but less technique based way (linking to this theme) before you go into analysis. Just gives your paragraph a bit more motivation. Citizens in Huxley’s World State are the result of incredible technological progress, as seen through the frequent use of scientific jargon. For example, exclamations of the Director of Hatcheries and conditioning (DHC) boasting about how “Bokanovsky’s process is one of the major instruments of social stability!” coupled with numerical language such as the conveyor belt “travelling at the rate of thirty-three and a third centimeters an hour. Two hundred and sixty-seven days at eight metres a day”. The mechanised style of linguistic detail exposes a society in which individuals advantageously utilise the power of technology to exploit and dehumanise man through practices such as the World State’s mass production and conditioning of human individuals. Excellent explanation of text! The individual’s struggle for hegemonic power is also represented through Metropolis’ introduction of the ‘Ziggurat’: a technologically advanced weapon disguised as a building. Technique? Don't slip into just using plot elements. The film’s opening features vectors of rolling clouds that cast the Ziggurat as the salient image with its apex penetrating high above the clouds. This dominating stature establishes it as symbol for mankind’s technological achievements and power. Good. During a coup d’état orchestrated by Duke Red, a still frame of the president’s dead body positioned in the foreground is contrasted with the imposing background presence of the Ziggurat. This signals the shift of authority to selfish individuals who have harnessed available technological advancement, rendering the value of truth and collective unity to be meaningless. It is therefore evident that individuals will try and use the circumstances of their society to grow capable of exercising political control over others. Excellent paragraph!! I'd normally like to see a little more audience impact in your analysis, but this question doesn't demand it to a high level, so I think this is great!! Be sure to only give the most relevant details, and never give plot elements as examples; techniques!
The constant oppression of political ideologies inflicted by society is capable of corrupting an individual’s moral code and eventually, their core identity. John the Savage is a character used as a model for the degradation of one’s hope and idealistic political values. When John is first introduced he is described “to fashion [pots of clay], to give form, to feel his fingers gaining in skill and power- this gave him extraordinary pleasure”. This alliterative depiction brings attention to his uniqueness, developing his passions through free choice in favour over accepting a false happiness instilled by preconditioning. Excellent. However, John’s sinful acts in the World State such as an “orgy porgy” lead him to take his own life, portrayed in the simile as “like two unhurried compass needles…north, north-east, east, south-east, south”. Similar to a compass needle, every vestige of John’s hope and humanity is rendered obsolete by the comforts of dystopian society. Excellent character analysis here and well linked to your concept! Again though, be careful about just retelling the plot (you are borderline, try to shift your language to focus instead on techniques! In Metropolis, Tima is an android used as a symbol for humanity’s purity. When first discovering the outside world, chiaroscuro is utilised to contrast her bright luminescence with the surrounding robots and environment. Her stunning depiction accompanied with the peacefulness of slow jazz music portrays how she is an individual untainted by Duke Red’s political agenda. At the film’s climax however, a vertical panning shot of her body reveals the entire extent of being forced to submit to the society created by the Duke. Vivid, red colours mixed with the emptiness of black consume half her face and starkly juxtaposes her pure, unblemished skin. Like John the Savage, Tima is used to signify the corruption of individuals caused by being a slave to society. I think you are slipping a little too far into just retelling the text to explain the themes. Try to take a step back, and instead of using a recount style, just say "This technique used for characterising this character achieves this effect in this way." It will just raise the sophistication ever so slightly.
The distribution of power amongst social echelons evidently leads many individuals to feel a sense of unfulfillment or confusion with their society. As above, I'm looking for you to introduce both texts in terms of this theme before delving into one or the other. Huxley communicates the oppressive nature of the World State’s totalitarian control on individuals by the character pair of Bernard and Helmholtz, both of whom are dissatisfied with their social status in the Alpha caste. Bernard’s frustration stems from his physique- described as “hardly better than the average Gamma”, demonstrating his society’s facile perception that physical stature determines social status. Helmholtz, on the other hand, longs for a creative power he likens to “all the water that goes down the falls instead of down the turbines”. No techniques in this analysis; this hinders the power of your ideas (even though you use one next). The dichotomy between water imagery and the built environment represents the suppression of natural, human creativity by the industrialised control of the World State’s human conditioning. Likewise, the citizens of Rintaro’s Metropolis have formed a powerful stigma arising from concerns of robots threatening the human-regulated government. When the young protagonist Kenichi enters a robot storage facility, dark lighting is utilised to hide the robots’ physical appearances, contrasting with the brightly illuminated serial numbers above them. This is textual retell, be careful! The use of chiaroscuro in this manner diminishes their significance as ‘members’ of society to being the mere results of mass production and belonging in the lowest caste, created by humans to conform to society but never intended to live as equals. This displeasure is further seen when an anti-robot political party interrogates the android Tima. A rotating camera circles around Tima’s dumbfounded countenance; the dynamic motion reflecting her confused state of identity caused by the society’s distinct division in social structure, since she is both human and robot. You are relying heavily on recounting the text to explain your ideas. As above, take a step back ;D Both societies’ capitalist attitudes have caused these characters to be displeasingly aware of their eliminated individualism and desire change.
Both Huxley and Rintaro explore the individual’s struggle for purpose amidst their respective societies’ intense fixation on the ownership of power. Individuals will try and utilise numerous political circumstances and unique tools to supremely differentiate themselves from the majority of society, for example technological advancement. However, the resulting perpetual conflict with society evidently deteriorates the integrity of one’s identity and individualism. Nice, succinct conclusion, well done!!
The longing to acquire an unequivocal control over oneself and one’s environment is an intrinsic desire within every individual. Aldous Huxley’s novel Brave New World (1932) reveals this desire through exploring the mixed actions of individuals in response to the totalitarian oppression of the World State; Huxley’s dystopian reinforced through the animated film Metropolis (2001), directed by Rintaro. Great start! Slightly messy wording in this sentence though, had to do a double take. Metropolis’ explores the dangerous society has degraded how truth and individuality are valued. This conflict is further political activities between the plutocratic industrialist Duke Red, and an insurgent rebel organisation, as well as the unstable relationship between robots and their human masters. Again, this sentence doesn't quite read smoothly. Also, is detailing the forms of conflict absolutely necessary? Both texts effectively demonstrate how a relentless pursuit for political control makes the harmonious unity of values between an individual and their society practically impossible. GOod intro! I really like this conclusive sentence ;D I would like to see you list your paragraph arguments to properly set up your essay!
Humankind’s individual struggle to maintain supremacy in an ever-changing world is amplified through technological and industrial advancement of the societies in both texts. Excellent! Try to introduce the text in a little more detail, but less technique based way (linking to this theme) before you go into analysis. Just gives your paragraph a bit more motivation. Citizens in Huxley’s World State are the result of incredible technological progress, as seen through the frequent use of scientific jargon. For example, exclamations of the Director of Hatcheries and conditioning (DHC) boasting about how “Bokanovsky’s process is one of the major instruments of social stability!” coupled with numerical language such as the conveyor belt “travelling at the rate of thirty-three and a third centimeters an hour. Two hundred and sixty-seven days at eight metres a day”. The mechanised style of linguistic detail exposes a society in which individuals advantageously utilise the power of technology to exploit and dehumanise man through practices such as the World State’s mass production and conditioning of human individuals. Excellent explanation of text! The individual’s struggle for hegemonic power is also represented through Metropolis’ introduction of the ‘Ziggurat’: a technologically advanced weapon disguised as a building. Technique? Don't slip into just using plot elements. The film’s opening features vectors of rolling clouds that cast the Ziggurat as the salient image with its apex penetrating high above the clouds. This dominating stature establishes it as symbol for mankind’s technological achievements and power. Good. During a coup d’état orchestrated by Duke Red, a still frame of the president’s dead body positioned in the foreground is contrasted with the imposing background presence of the Ziggurat. This signals the shift of authority to selfish individuals who have harnessed available technological advancement, rendering the value of truth and collective unity to be meaningless. It is therefore evident that individuals will try and use the circumstances of their society to grow capable of exercising political control over others. Excellent paragraph!! I'd normally like to see a little more audience impact in your analysis, but this question doesn't demand it to a high level, so I think this is great!! Be sure to only give the most relevant details, and never give plot elements as examples; techniques!
The constant oppression of political ideologies inflicted by society is capable of corrupting an individual’s moral code and eventually, their core identity. John the Savage is a character used as a model for the degradation of one’s hope and idealistic political values. When John is first introduced he is described “to fashion [pots of clay], to give form, to feel his fingers gaining in skill and power- this gave him extraordinary pleasure”. This alliterative depiction brings attention to his uniqueness, developing his passions through free choice in favour over accepting a false happiness instilled by preconditioning. Excellent. However, John’s sinful acts in the World State such as an “orgy porgy” lead him to take his own life, portrayed in the simile as “like two unhurried compass needles…north, north-east, east, south-east, south”. Similar to a compass needle, every vestige of John’s hope and humanity is rendered obsolete by the comforts of dystopian society. Excellent character analysis here and well linked to your concept! Again though, be careful about just retelling the plot (you are borderline, try to shift your language to focus instead on techniques! In Metropolis, Tima is an android used as a symbol for humanity’s purity. When first discovering the outside world, chiaroscuro is utilised to contrast her bright luminescence with the surrounding robots and environment. Her stunning depiction accompanied with the peacefulness of slow jazz music portrays how she is an individual untainted by Duke Red’s political agenda. At the film’s climax however, a vertical panning shot of her body reveals the entire extent of being forced to submit to the society created by the Duke. Vivid, red colours mixed with the emptiness of black consume half her face and starkly juxtaposes her pure, unblemished skin. Like John the Savage, Tima is used to signify the corruption of individuals caused by being a slave to society. I think you are slipping a little too far into just retelling the text to explain the themes. Try to take a step back, and instead of using a recount style, just say "This technique used for characterising this character achieves this effect in this way." It will just raise the sophistication ever so slightly.
The distribution of power amongst social echelons evidently leads many individuals to feel a sense of unfulfillment or confusion with their society. As above, I'm looking for you to introduce both texts in terms of this theme before delving into one or the other. Huxley communicates the oppressive nature of the World State’s totalitarian control on individuals by the character pair of Bernard and Helmholtz, both of whom are dissatisfied with their social status in the Alpha caste. Bernard’s frustration stems from his physique- described as “hardly better than the average Gamma”, demonstrating his society’s facile perception that physical stature determines social status. Helmholtz, on the other hand, longs for a creative power he likens to “all the water that goes down the falls instead of down the turbines”. No techniques in this analysis; this hinders the power of your ideas (even though you use one next). The dichotomy between water imagery and the built environment represents the suppression of natural, human creativity by the industrialised control of the World State’s human conditioning. Likewise, the citizens of Rintaro’s Metropolis have formed a powerful stigma arising from concerns of robots threatening the human-regulated government. When the young protagonist Kenichi enters a robot storage facility, dark lighting is utilised to hide the robots’ physical appearances, contrasting with the brightly illuminated serial numbers above them. This is textual retell, be careful! The use of chiaroscuro in this manner diminishes their significance as ‘members’ of society to being the mere results of mass production and belonging in the lowest caste, created by humans to conform to society but never intended to live as equals. This displeasure is further seen when an anti-robot political party interrogates the android Tima. A rotating camera circles around Tima’s dumbfounded countenance; the dynamic motion reflecting her confused state of identity caused by the society’s distinct division in social structure, since she is both human and robot. You are relying heavily on recounting the text to explain your ideas. As above, take a step back ;D Both societies’ capitalist attitudes have caused these characters to be displeasingly aware of their eliminated individualism and desire change.
Both Huxley and Rintaro explore the individual’s struggle for purpose amidst their respective societies’ intense fixation on the ownership of power. Individuals will try and utilise numerous political circumstances and unique tools to supremely differentiate themselves from the majority of society, for example technological advancement. However, the resulting perpetual conflict with society evidently deteriorates the integrity of one’s identity and individualism. Nice, succinct conclusion, well done!!
This is a really great essay!! I love your conceptual focus, excellently established and very well maintained throughout the response. Lots of great examples from the text, a really nice and distinct structure, and the question is answered effectively. Well done!!
The only major comment I'd make concerns textual retell. Particularly in your latter two paragraphs, you rely heavily on retelling parts of the text to convey meaning; textual retell. Try to take a step back! You don't need to explain the plot in order to show how the technique creates meaning. Focus on the techniques, the choices made by the composer, which have created meaning related to your themes. This takes you out of the text and into a more conceptual focus, which is a massive plus.
I've never been a fan of memorised essays (read this article I wrote if you want to know why), however if you do want to go down this route, I think this essay is a great start!! Elyse wrote a great article on memorising essays which might of some help for you, check it out!
Hope this helps, excellent work!! ;D
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 14, 2016, 06:57:06 pm
This is an essay on module A that I plan on memorising at some point and adapting to different themes, I feel like this isn't one of my best but I can't pinpoint why, would you be able to tell me what is good/bad/can be trimmed down/cut out/expanded on?
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 14, 2016, 07:08:35 pm
Thank you for the information about shifting my two sentence structure to a single sentence in certain circumstances, it has helped a tonne already as I am trimming 50 words off of most my essays.
This is an essay on module A that I plan on memorising at some point and adapting to different themes, I feel like this isn't one of my best but I can't pinpoint why, would you be able to tell me what is good/bad/can be trimmed down/cut out/expanded on?
Hey Jimmy! Really glad to see that you've taken on board the feedback and are already seeing great results!
There isn't an essay attached..was that a mistake? :)
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 14, 2016, 07:10:07 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2016, 11:25:02 pm
Post by: imnotdani on June 15, 2016, 12:34:24 am
Composers construct texts in a deliberate way to characterise a society’s ideologies, expressing an evident disjunction between the people and its leaders. Such is true in W.H Auden’s poetry, as specific word choice and structure portray a Modernist’s opinions on political events and personalities. By rejecting orthodox poetry, Auden employs a range of literary devices and constructs texts such as The Unknown Citizen, September 1, 1939 and In Memory of W.B Yeats (I.M.W.B.Y) that acts as vehicles for expounding political opinion. Similarly, Charlie Chaplin directs the satirical film The Great Dictator to explore the negative repercussions of political personalities in society. More specifically, the theatrical elements employed in the final speech in the film not only encompasses responses to politics in the 1930s, but also supports Auden’s poetry in respect of examining the texts’ impact on people’s particular motivation.
W.H. Auden criticises the absence of individuality in society, disappointed with their natural habit to conform to ‘public opinion’ and their preference of anonymity. He addresses the lack of social cohesion because he lamented the rise of materialism and gradual loss of human character. First published in a magazine, The Unknown Citizen by Auden uses an intermittent rhyming scheme favourable in Modernist poetry, seen in couplets like “Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views//For his Union reports that he paid his dues”. This pattern increases the dry, satirical humour of the poem as Auden forces the realisation that people are near duplicates of each other. This is furthered by the use of the subtitle consisting of numbers and letters as a citizen’s identification in statistics. This implies a cold and impersonal government who only care if “all the reports on his conduct agree”. Auden describes a modern ‘saint’ through the use of selective word choice such as “normal”, “sensible” and “popular”. Through this, he portrays a depersonalised citizen, which resulting in evoking anger as people refused to be generalised with the majority and be considered materialistic.
Similarly, Charlie Chaplin highlights the loss of humanity in the 1940 satirical film, The Great Dictator, claiming that “we think too much and feel too little”. He uses the medium of film and speech to mock America for being appalled by the policies of Hitler, and yet supports a country stance on appeasement to avoid any participation in the war. Chaplin takes on the dual-role of director and actor, mimicking Hitler’s mannerism in addresses. He intrigues viewers through evocative delivery, using rising volume levels, eye contact and wide gestures. He also juxtaposes humanity with machinery, implying that men had no emotions, leaving them “cynical and unkind”. Chaplin encouraged the audience to revolt against those who “regiment your lives” and “fight for liberty”. This could also relate to one of Auden’s poems, Spain, where it states “To-day the makeshift consolations” which shows that should society stand up together, they also work to build bridges of comradery. Movie critic Bosley Crowther said that since Chaplin exposed his heart to the audience, “the effect was bewildering” and “strangely overpowering”. Albeit the impacts of his delivery were not as evident, Chaplin birthed a more engaged society as they rise against anti-Semitism and thus influence millions of people worldwide through “inventions for universal brotherhood”.
Auden is well-aware of a poet’s influence on society, leading him to use specific terminology in his poetry to represent his opinions. He chose to use his voice to highlight the rise of totalitarianism and address issues within the American society as WWII commences. September 1, 1939 confronts the outbreak of World War II through irregular rhymed stanza forms, again another characteristic of Modernist poetry. By reiterating the asymmetry, Auden comments on the repeating dictatorships in history, claiming that it is “the habit-forming pain”, suggesting that it is in men’s nature to mismanage and “do evil” to “those to whom evil is done”. Auden also employs pessimistic word choices and negative allusions, electing to use the phrase “obsessing our private lives”, which could relate to The Unknown Citizen where bureaucrats insists on knowing statistical data. He uses the condemning phrase “low dishonest decade” to depict his disappointment regarding WWII, allowing his audience to agonise “as the clever hopes expire” and realise their contribution to the conflict. Critic Christopher Pollnitz states that Auden “studies, not the political animal as such, but the nervous life of its interior”. This implies that Auden focuses on the reality, where the sense of threat and terror is heightened, resulting in absolute panic and mass slaughter.
In contrast, a politician’s voice is more formidable than a poet’s as they are trained to convince or threaten those that oppose them. Charlie Chaplin explores the power of politicians and their impact on society as they use high modality arguments to persuade others into their favour. Although music is a common film technique used to build intensity in a scene, he chooses to exclude this aspect and opted with absolute silence. As a result, the atmosphere feels authentic and the audience are able to properly hear the devotion and passion behind his words as he talks about unity and freedom. This also works in a negative manner as seen in Auden’s poem, Epitaph on a Tyrant, where he states “When he laughed, respectable senators burst with laughter”. This goes to show that a powerful politician’s voice can be toxic and enslave the intelligent due to fear. In The Great Dictator, Chaplin uses short phrases in quick succession–”men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives” to further increase the tempo of the scene. By combining with direct contact, these techniques forces the audience to pay close attention and consider their persuasive arguments in respect to their political positions.
**For the Spain inclusion, idk why i put that there...i just felt like including more of auden's poetry to show that i know them in some kind of form. Again, thank you!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 16, 2016, 04:35:49 pm
Yes it was, every damn time I swear I forget to attach them
It happens! Fear not :)
I'll take a look now! Sorry about the delay :)
Original:
Spoiler
Adaptable Metropolis/1984 Essay
The study of texts with alternate social, cultural and historical contexts, such as Fritz Lang’s Metropolis and George Orwell’s 1984, often reveal the ways in which changes in context lead to changed values being expressed in texts. This assertion is exemplified through an analytical comparison of both Metropolis and 1984, as both texts portray alternate perspectives on the themes of control and revolution through divergent textual forms and features stemming from their vastly alternate contexts. Fritz Lang, in his 1927 silent film Metropolis, foretells the ruin that may result from the aspiration for a capitalistic world while condemning the social mechanics behind the class divide. Lang’s condemnation of contextual social mechanics is ratified in George Orwell’s 1949 cautionary tale, 1984, in which Orwell provides a scathing critique of totalitarian regimes under the guise of a novel. Ultimately, both texts reflect the issues of control engendering revolution despite alternate contexts, thus allowing for an analytical comparison of both to provide an insight into the perpetuity of these concerns.
In the 1927 film Metropolis, Fritz Lang extrapolates from his current context of Weimar Germany to provide a social commentary on the future if capitalistic industrialists continue to exercise control over the working class. Lang reveals the aspect of control through Maria’s description of the construction of the Tower of Babel. When Maria talks of the workers, a direct translation says, “but the hands that built the tower of Babel, knew nothing of the dream”. The control exercised over the lower class is demonstrated through Lang’s application of synecdoche, as “hands” is used as a dehumanising diminution of the workers, framing them strictly as a means to an end, regarding the construction of the tower of Babel. Through this extended metaphor of the construction of the Tower of Babel, Lang directly attacks the totalitarian capitalists who subject workers to inhumane treatment as a means of creating capital and extracting revenue in 1920’s Weimar Germany.
Comparably to Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 is imbued with the timeless concept of control to criticise totalitarian regimes present during his own specific context. Orwell presents this concept of control to the responder when Winston says, “The thought police moved always amongst them … eliminating the few individuals who were judged capable of becoming dangerous”. Orwell meticulously incorporates the allusion of the thought police throughout the novel and characterises them as such to be perceived by the responder as a malevolent force fixated on the control of thought criminals through methods such as silencing and ‘vaporising’ them. Orwell’s allusion of the thought police stems from the totalitarian regimes such as the Nazis and Stalinist Russia who had employments such as the Gestapo and KBG that were akin to the thought police as they silenced and killed anyone deemed ‘dangerous’, meaning anyone that they could not control or anyone who dissent. Despite the evident discrepancies between both the context of Lang and Orwell, both utilises an array of literary forms and features to portray timeless concern of control, which has affected them in their divergent contexts.
Control in Metropolis and in 1984 operates divergently from one another. In Metropolis, control of the workers is engendered by Frederson’s capitalist utopia through the subjugation of workers, who become reliant on employment to survive, much like the workers in 1920’s Weimar Germany. Dissimilarly in 1984, control takes a more sinister tone as it seeps into all facets of life, being idiosyncrasies such as whispers and ‘a look in the eye. These minute details are the causes of numerous ‘vaporisations’, reminiscent of Nazi Germany’s Night of the Long Knives and Stalinist Russia’s Great purges. Both these alternate portrayals of control are prerequisites for the two different versions of revolution presented.
Akin to Orwell’s 1984, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis is presented as a literary embodiment of Lang’s contextual fears, specifically of capitalism acting as a nexus for economic control to foster and eventually catalyse an uprising. This concept of engendering revolution due to control is exhibited during the Moloch scene where Freder witnesses the working class being swallowed by the machine. As the superimposition of Moloch is a subjective hallucination on behalf of Freder, Lang suggests that Freder has a repressed internal guilt towards the lower class as he resists the traditional 1920’s totalitarian capitalists modus operandi and sees the workers as more than an avenue for revenue. Lang couples this with Freder’s sporadic, melodramatic actions in response to the deaths of the workers, again implying emotions of guilt and resistance towards capitalist industrialists who run Metropolis and who ran 1920’s Weimar Germany, catalysing Metropolis’ initial revolution. Consequently, when analysed comparatively, Lang mirrors Orwell’s criticism of their respective contextual concerns that allow revolution to foster under tyrannical control.
Like Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 explores the timeless truth of the cultivation of revolution within a general society that is controlled in every facet of life, stemming from Orwell’s post WWII contextual concerns of the rise of totalitarianism. Orwell purposefully incorporates the timeless truth of control engendering revolution when Syme says, “The proles are not human beings”. Orwell’s zoomorphic characterisation of the proles is utilised as they symbolise the unadulterated and primordial side of human nature. Extrapolating from this logic, it is assumed that the proles pose a resistance to the party as they represent a literary foil to the party, a totalitarian regime hell bent on bureaucratising all forms of human expression. Portrayed as a dormant form of revolution, O’Brien ratifies the idea of this revolution in the ministry of love when he says, “Your old idea that the proles will arrive and overthrow us”. Winston’s ‘old idea’ of galvanising the proles contextually harmonises with the attitudes during WWII where German civilians became content under totalitarian leadership. Almost identically to Lang, Orwell uses control to catalyse a revolution, regardless that said revolution doesn’t come to fruition; both composers reify the timeless truth that control and revolution are inextricably linked and are engendered from one another.
It is in the denouement of the two texts that the distinct divergence between contexts occurs regarding control and revolution. Metropolis’ revolution under economic control ends with a sense of hope with a liberated Maria who unites Grot and Frederson through the empathic Freder, whereas in 1984’s final line, Winston’s proclamation of love for big brother is seen as a final, crushing defeat that suggests no hope for revolution exists under overwhelmingly powerful totalitarian regimes.
An analytical comparison of both Lang’s film Metropolis and Orwell’s novel 1984 reveals that the composers’s respective contexts influences their choice of language forms and features along with the ideas and values being conveyed in each text. Both Lang’ Metropolis and Orwell’s 1984 demonstrate the idea that comparing texts through time allows for an enlightened understanding of the relationship between them, despite context, content and form. Ultimately, the texts display the timeless truth of oppressive, tyrannical control engendering revolution, no matter how futile, through both composers’ idiosyncratic, yet somewhat similar construction of dystopic worlds.
The study of texts with alternate social, cultural and historical contexts, such as Fritz Lang’s Metropolis and George Orwell’s 1984, often reveal the ways in which changes in context lead to changed values being expressed in texts. This assertion is exemplified through an analytical comparison of both Metropolis and 1984, as both texts portray alternate perspectives on the themes of control and revolution through divergent textual forms and features stemming from their vastly alternate contexts. Fritz Lang, in his 1927 silent film Metropolis, foretells the ruin that may result from the aspiration for a capitalistic world while condemning the social mechanics behind the class divide. Lang’s condemnation of contextual social mechanics is ratified in George Orwell’s 1949 cautionary tale, 1984, in which Orwell provides a scathing critique of totalitarian regimes under the guise of a novel. Ultimately, both texts reflect the issues of control engendering revolution despite alternate contexts, thus allowing for an analytical comparison of both to provide an insight into the perpetuity of these concerns.
In the 1927 film Metropolis, Fritz Lang extrapolates from his current context of Weimar Germany to provide a social commentary on the future if capitalistic industrialists continue to exercise control over the working class. Lang reveals the aspect of control through Maria’s description of the construction of the Tower of Babel. When Maria talks of the workers, a direct translation says, “but the hands that built the tower of Babel, knew nothing of the dream”. The control exercised over the lower class is demonstrated through Lang’s application of synecdoche, as “hands” is used as a dehumanising diminution of the workers, framing them strictly as a means to an end, regarding the construction of the tower of Babel. Through this extended metaphor of the construction of the Tower of Babel, Lang directly attacks the totalitarian capitalists who subject workers to inhumane treatment as a means of creating capital and extracting revenue in 1920’s Weimar Germany.
Comparably to Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 is imbued with the timeless concept of control to criticise totalitarian regimes present during his own specific context. Orwell presents this concept of control to the responder when Winston says, “The thought police moved always amongst them … eliminating the few individuals who were judged capable of becoming dangerous”. Orwell meticulously incorporates the allusion of the thought police throughout the novel and characterises them as such to be perceived by the responder as a malevolent force fixated on the control of thought criminals through methods such as silencing and ‘vaporising’ them. Orwell’s allusion of the thought police stems from the totalitarian regimes such as the Nazis and Stalinist Russia who had employments such as the Gestapo and KBG that were akin to the thought police as they silenced and killed anyone deemed ‘dangerous’, meaning anyone that they could not control or anyone who dissent. Despite the evident discrepancies between both the context of Lang and Orwell, both utilises an array of literary forms and features to portray timeless concern of control, which has affected them in their divergent contexts.
Control in Metropolis and in 1984 operates divergently from one another. In Metropolis, control of the workers is engendered by Frederson’s capitalist utopia through the subjugation of workers, who become reliant on employment to survive, much like the workers in 1920’s Weimar Germany. Dissimilarly in 1984, control takes a more sinister tone as it seeps into all facets of life, being idiosyncrasies such as whispers and ‘a look in the eye. These minute details are the causes of numerous ‘vaporisations’, reminiscent of Nazi Germany’s Night of the Long Knives and Stalinist Russia’s Great purges. Both these alternate portrayals of control are prerequisites for the two different versions of revolution presented.
Akin to Orwell’s 1984, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis is presented as a literary embodiment of Lang’s contextual fears, specifically of capitalism acting as a nexus for economic control to foster and eventually catalyse an uprising. This concept of engendering revolution due to control is exhibited during the Moloch scene where Freder witnesses the working class being swallowed by the machine. As the superimposition of Moloch is a subjective hallucination on behalf of Freder, Lang suggests that Freder has a repressed internal guilt towards the lower class as he resists the traditional 1920’s totalitarian capitalists modus operandi and sees the workers as more than an avenue for revenue. Lang couples this with Freder’s sporadic, melodramatic actions in response to the deaths of the workers, again implying emotions of guilt and resistance towards capitalist industrialists who run Metropolis and who ran 1920’s Weimar Germany, catalysing Metropolis’ initial revolution. Consequently, when analysed comparatively, Lang mirrors Orwell’s criticism of their respective contextual concerns that allow revolution to foster under tyrannical control.
Like Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 explores the timeless truth of the cultivation of revolution within a general society that is controlled in every facet of life, stemming from Orwell’s post WWII contextual concerns of the rise of totalitarianism. Orwell purposefully incorporates the timeless truth of control engendering revolution when Syme says, “The proles are not human beings”. Orwell’s zoomorphic characterisation of the proles is utilised as they symbolise the unadulterated and primordial side of human nature. Extrapolating from this logic, it is assumed that the proles pose a resistance to the party as they represent a literary foil to the party, a totalitarian regime hell bent on bureaucratising all forms of human expression. Portrayed as a dormant form of revolution, O’Brien ratifies the idea of this revolution in the ministry of love when he says, “Your old idea that the proles will arrive and overthrow us”. Winston’s ‘old idea’ of galvanising the proles contextually harmonises with the attitudes during WWII where German civilians became content under totalitarian leadership. Almost identically to Lang, Orwell uses control to catalyse a revolution, regardless that said revolution doesn’t come to fruition; both composers reify the timeless truth that control and revolution are inextricably linked and are engendered from one another.
It is in the denouement of the two texts that the distinct divergence between contexts occurs regarding control and revolution. Metropolis’ revolution under economic control ends with a sense of hope with a liberated Maria who unites Grot and Frederson through the empathic Freder, whereas in 1984’s final line, Winston’s proclamation of love for big brother is seen as a final, crushing defeat that suggests no hope for revolution exists under overwhelmingly powerful totalitarian regimes.
An analytical comparison of both Lang’s film Metropolis and Orwell’s novel 1984 reveals that the composers’s respective contexts influences their choice of language forms and features along with the ideas and values being conveyed in each text. Both Lang’ Metropolis and Orwell’s 1984 demonstrate the idea that comparing texts through time allows for an enlightened understanding of the relationship between them, despite context, content and form. Ultimately, the texts display the timeless truth of oppressive, tyrannical control engendering revolution, no matter how futile, through both composers’ idiosyncratic, yet somewhat similar construction of dystopic worlds.
With my own comments in bold:
Spoiler
Adaptable Metropolis/1984 Essay
The study of texts with alternate social, cultural and historical contexts, such as Fritz Lang’s Metropolis and George Orwell’s 1984, often reveal the ways in which changes in context lead to changed values being expressed in texts. I'm being really picky to suggest this - I think that this first sentence would benefit from being split in half. By this I mean, remove the textual introduction, and give them their own sentence. "An outstanding testament to this, is the comparison of the texts..." This is just a small suggestion for the reason that the initial sentence is a bit overwhelming. You've pretty well done this in your second sentence anyway - so no need to have them in your first sentence :0This assertion is exemplified through an analytical comparison of both Metropolis and 1984, as both texts portray alternate perspectives on the themes of control and revolution through divergent textual forms and features stemming from their vastly alternate contexts. Fritz Lang, in his 1927 silent film Metropolis, foretells the ruin that may result from the aspiration for a capitalistic world while condemning the social mechanics behind the class divide. Lang’s condemnation of contextual social mechanics is ratified in George Orwell’s 1949 cautionary tale, 1984, in which Orwell provides a scathing critique of totalitarian regimes under the guise of a novel. Ultimately, both texts reflect the issues of control engendering revolution despite alternate contexts, thus allowing for an analytical comparison of both to provide an insight into the perpetuity of these concerns. Awesome - can't fault that!!
In an essay based on a question, I suggest discussing a topic sentence here :)In the 1927 film Metropolis, Fritz Lang extrapolates from his current context of Weimar Germany to provide a social commentary on the future if capitalistic industrialists continue to exercise control over the working class. Lang reveals the aspect of control through Maria’s description of the construction of the Tower of Babel. When Maria talks of the workers, a direct translation says, “but the hands that built the tower of Babel, knew nothing of the dream”. The control exercised over the lower class is demonstrated through Lang’s application of synecdoche, as “hands” is used as a dehumanising diminution of the workers, framing them strictly as a means to an end, regarding the construction of the tower of Babel. Through this extended metaphor of the construction of the Tower of Babel, Lang directly attacks the totalitarian capitalists who subject workers to inhumane treatment as a means of creating capital and extracting revenue in 1920’s Weimar Germany. Amazing work! Really well organised sentences. In an actual exam/assignment essay, bring it back to the question in this last part.
Comparably Comparable to Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 is imbued with the timeless concept of control to criticise totalitarian regimes present during his own specific context. Orwell presents this concept of control to the responder when Winston says, “The thought police moved always amongst them … eliminating the few individuals who were judged capable of becoming dangerous”. Orwell meticulously incorporates the allusion of the thought police throughout the novel and characterises them as such to be perceived by the responder as a malevolent force fixated on the control of thought criminals through methods such as silencing and ‘vaporising’ them. Orwell’s allusion of the thought police stems from the totalitarian regimes such as the Nazis and Stalinist Russia Just a small thing here - I think you either need to say "Nazi Germany and Stalinist Russia" for the purpose of being uniform, OR, Nazis and NKVD (Forigve me, I think these are the Nazi equivalent in Russia at the time but I can't be sure. Sorry for my ignorance!) The point being - you're currently comparing a country to a political body, rather than political body to political body, or country to country. Small thing - just a tiny tweak :)who had employments such as the Gestapo and KBG that were akin to the thought police as they silenced and killed anyone deemed ‘dangerous’, meaning anyone that they could not control or anyone who dissent. Despite the evident discrepancies I don't think discrepancies is the right word. I've thought about it in context and then googled the word to see how it is used, and its usually used in a context of something being dissimilar in a surprising manner, as though they were expected to be the same by logic. Try, differences, dissimilarities, etc. between both the context of Lang and Orwell, both utilises an array of literary forms and features to portray timeless concern of control, which has affected them in their divergent contexts.
Control in Metropolis and in 1984 operates divergently from one another. In Metropolis, control of the workers is engendered by Frederson’s capitalist utopia through the subjugation of workers, who become reliant on employment to survive, much like the workers in 1920’s Weimar Germany. Dissimilarly in 1984, control takes a more sinister tone as it seeps into all facets of life, being idiosyncrasies such as whispers and ‘a look in the eye. These minute details are the causes of numerous ‘vaporisations’, reminiscent of Nazi Germany’s Night of the Long Knives and Stalinist Russia’s Great purges. Both these alternate portrayals of control are prerequisites for the two different versions of revolution presented. You deal with some great ideas here, but the paragraph is very short. To make it worth while, I'd give one more piece of textual evidence from each text, even if small, just to really make this paragraph small but mighty.
Akin to Orwell’s 1984, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis is presented as a literary embodiment of Lang’s contextual fears, specifically of capitalism acting as a nexus for economic control to foster and eventually catalyse an uprising. This concept of engendering revolution due to control is exhibited during the Moloch scene where Freder witnesses the working class being swallowed by the machine. As the superimposition of Moloch is a subjective hallucination on behalf of Freder, Lang suggests that Freder has a repressed internal guilt towards the lower class as he resists the traditional 1920’s totalitarian capitalists modus operandi and sees the workers as more than an avenue for revenue. Lang couples this with Freder’s sporadic, melodramatic actions in response to the deaths of the workers, again implying emotions of guilt and resistance towards capitalist industrialists who run Metropolis and who ran 1920’s Weimar Germany, catalysing Metropolis’ initial revolution. Consequently, when analysed comparatively, Lang mirrors Orwell’s criticism of their respective contextual concerns that allow revolution to foster under tyrannical control. This paragraph is revived at the end with great analysis, but in the meantime it does a fair bit of story narration and not a lot of evidence or analysis.
Like Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 explores the timeless truth of the cultivation of revolution within a general society that is controlled in every facet of life, stemming from Orwell’s post WWII contextual concerns of the rise of totalitarianism. Orwell purposefully incorporates the timeless truth of control engendering revolution when Syme says, “The proles are not human beings”. Orwell’s zoomorphic characterisation of the proles is utilised as they symbolise the unadulterated and primordial side of human nature. Extrapolating from this logic, it is assumed that the proles pose a resistance to the party as they represent a literary foil to the party, a totalitarian regime hell bent on bureaucratising all forms of human expression. Portrayed as a dormant form of revolution, O’Brien ratifies the idea of this revolution in the ministry of love when he says, “Your old idea that the proles will arrive and overthrow us”. Winston’s ‘old idea’ of galvanising the proles contextually harmonises with the attitudes during WWII where German civilians became content under totalitarian leadership. Almost identically to Lang, Orwell uses control to catalyse a revolution, regardless that said revolution doesn’t come to fruition; both composers reify the timeless truth that control and revolution are inextricably linked and are engendered from one another.
It is in the denouement of the two texts that the distinct divergence between contexts occurs regarding control and revolution. Metropolis’ revolution under economic control ends with a sense of hope with a liberated Maria who unites Grot and Frederson through the empathic Freder, whereas in 1984’s final line, Winston’s proclamation of love for big brother is seen as a final, crushing defeat that suggests no hope for revolution exists under overwhelmingly powerful totalitarian regimes. This doesn't stand alone - I suggest either beefing it up, or connecting it to the following paragraph. :)
An analytical comparison of both Lang’s film Metropolis and Orwell’s novel 1984 reveals that the composers’s respective contexts influences their choice of language forms and features along with the ideas and values being conveyed in each text. I think you've dealt with the context really well! Both Lang’ Metropolis and Orwell’s 1984 demonstrate the idea that comparing texts through time allows for an enlightened understanding of the relationship between them, despite context, content and form. Ultimately, the texts display the timeless truth of oppressive, tyrannical control engendering revolution, no matter how futile, through both composers’ idiosyncratic, yet somewhat similar construction of dystopic worlds.
The study of texts with alternate social, cultural and historical contexts, such as Fritz Lang’s Metropolis and George Orwell’s 1984, often reveal the ways in which changes in context lead to changed values being expressed in texts. I'm being really picky to suggest this - I think that this first sentence would benefit from being split in half. By this I mean, remove the textual introduction, and give them their own sentence. "An outstanding testament to this, is the comparison of the texts..." This is just a small suggestion for the reason that the initial sentence is a bit overwhelming. You've pretty well done this in your second sentence anyway - so no need to have them in your first sentence :0This assertion is exemplified through an analytical comparison of both Metropolis and 1984, as both texts portray alternate perspectives on the themes of control and revolution through divergent textual forms and features stemming from their vastly alternate contexts. Fritz Lang, in his 1927 silent film Metropolis, foretells the ruin that may result from the aspiration for a capitalistic world while condemning the social mechanics behind the class divide. Lang’s condemnation of contextual social mechanics is ratified in George Orwell’s 1949 cautionary tale, 1984, in which Orwell provides a scathing critique of totalitarian regimes under the guise of a novel. Ultimately, both texts reflect the issues of control engendering revolution despite alternate contexts, thus allowing for an analytical comparison of both to provide an insight into the perpetuity of these concerns. Awesome - can't fault that!!
In an essay based on a question, I suggest discussing a topic sentence here :)In the 1927 film Metropolis, Fritz Lang extrapolates from his current context of Weimar Germany to provide a social commentary on the future if capitalistic industrialists continue to exercise control over the working class. Lang reveals the aspect of control through Maria’s description of the construction of the Tower of Babel. When Maria talks of the workers, a direct translation says, “but the hands that built the tower of Babel, knew nothing of the dream”. The control exercised over the lower class is demonstrated through Lang’s application of synecdoche, as “hands” is used as a dehumanising diminution of the workers, framing them strictly as a means to an end, regarding the construction of the tower of Babel. Through this extended metaphor of the construction of the Tower of Babel, Lang directly attacks the totalitarian capitalists who subject workers to inhumane treatment as a means of creating capital and extracting revenue in 1920’s Weimar Germany. Amazing work! Really well organised sentences. In an actual exam/assignment essay, bring it back to the question in this last part.
Control in Metropolis and in 1984 operates divergently from one another. In Metropolis, control of the workers is engendered by Frederson’s capitalist utopia through the subjugation of workers, who become reliant on employment to survive, much like the workers in 1920’s Weimar Germany. Dissimilarly in 1984, control takes a more sinister tone as it seeps into all facets of life, being idiosyncrasies such as whispers and ‘a look in the eye. These minute details are the causes of numerous ‘vaporisations’, reminiscent of Nazi Germany’s Night of the Long Knives and Stalinist Russia’s Great purges. Both these alternate portrayals of control are prerequisites for the two different versions of revolution presented. You deal with some great ideas here, but the paragraph is very short. To make it worth while, I'd give one more piece of textual evidence from each text, even if small, just to really make this paragraph small but mighty.
Akin to Orwell’s 1984, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis is presented as a literary embodiment of Lang’s contextual fears, specifically of capitalism acting as a nexus for economic control to foster and eventually catalyse an uprising. This concept of engendering revolution due to control is exhibited during the Moloch scene where Freder witnesses the working class being swallowed by the machine. As the superimposition of Moloch is a subjective hallucination on behalf of Freder, Lang suggests that Freder has a repressed internal guilt towards the lower class as he resists the traditional 1920’s totalitarian capitalists modus operandi and sees the workers as more than an avenue for revenue. Lang couples this with Freder’s sporadic, melodramatic actions in response to the deaths of the workers, again implying emotions of guilt and resistance towards capitalist industrialists who run Metropolis and who ran 1920’s Weimar Germany, catalysing Metropolis’ initial revolution. Consequently, when analysed comparatively, Lang mirrors Orwell’s criticism of their respective contextual concerns that allow revolution to foster under tyrannical control. This paragraph is revived at the end with great analysis, but in the meantime it does a fair bit of story narration and not a lot of evidence or analysis.
Like Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 explores the timeless truth of the cultivation of revolution within a general society that is controlled in every facet of life, stemming from Orwell’s post WWII contextual concerns of the rise of totalitarianism. Orwell purposefully incorporates the timeless truth of control engendering revolution when Syme says, “The proles are not human beings”. Orwell’s zoomorphic characterisation of the proles is utilised as they symbolise the unadulterated and primordial side of human nature. Extrapolating from this logic, it is assumed that the proles pose a resistance to the party as they represent a literary foil to the party, a totalitarian regime hell bent on bureaucratising all forms of human expression. Portrayed as a dormant form of revolution, O’Brien ratifies the idea of this revolution in the ministry of love when he says, “Your old idea that the proles will arrive and overthrow us”. Winston’s ‘old idea’ of galvanising the proles contextually harmonises with the attitudes during WWII where German civilians became content under totalitarian leadership. Almost identically to Lang, Orwell uses control to catalyse a revolution, regardless that said revolution doesn’t come to fruition; both composers reify the timeless truth that control and revolution are inextricably linked and are engendered from one another.
It is in the denouement of the two texts that the distinct divergence between contexts occurs regarding control and revolution. Metropolis’ revolution under economic control ends with a sense of hope with a liberated Maria who unites Grot and Frederson through the empathic Freder, whereas in 1984’s final line, Winston’s proclamation of love for big brother is seen as a final, crushing defeat that suggests no hope for revolution exists under overwhelmingly powerful totalitarian regimes. This doesn't stand alone - I suggest either beefing it up, or connecting it to the following paragraph. :)
An analytical comparison of both Lang’s film Metropolis and Orwell’s novel 1984 reveals that the composers’s respective contexts influences their choice of language forms and features along with the ideas and values being conveyed in each text. I think you've dealt with the context really well! Both Lang’ Metropolis and Orwell’s 1984 demonstrate the idea that comparing texts through time allows for an enlightened understanding of the relationship between them, despite context, content and form. Ultimately, the texts display the timeless truth of oppressive, tyrannical control engendering revolution, no matter how futile, through both composers’ idiosyncratic, yet somewhat similar construction of dystopic worlds.
Really good job here! I'm never unimpressed with your work, of course :) This is going really well for you! You've got a great adaptable essay here. You deal really well with context. I also think you deal well with control and revolution - I'm curious about what your plan is, if they don't ask you about control or revolution? Perhaps - they in fact present you with a different theme? I'm confident that you'll be able to work some magic. Based on past Module A papers, this looks very adaptable. Is there anything that BOSTES could ask you, that you would think you aren't prepared for with this essay? I'm curious!
Always a pleasure to look at your work :)
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 16, 2016, 05:46:45 pm
Really good job here! I'm never unimpressed with your work, of course :) This is going really well for you! You've got a great adaptable essay here. You deal really well with context. I also think you deal well with control and revolution - I'm curious about what your plan is, if they don't ask you about control or revolution? Perhaps - they in fact present you with a different theme? I'm confident that you'll be able to work some magic. Based on past Module A papers, this looks very adaptable. Is there anything that BOSTES could ask you, that you would think you aren't prepared for with this essay? I'm curious!
Always a pleasure to look at your work :)
Thanks heaps for the feedback i'll get on to editing the essay and changing bits up immediately
Just for everyone else that may be doing 1984/Metropolis in Module A, these are the past questions i've managed to muster up
- In a comparative study of two texts, our understanding of intertextual perspectives is enhanced by a consideration of each composer's use of textual form - Barker 2015 Trial Q
- After comparing Metropolis and 1984 what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspective relating to authority and revolution? - Hurlstone 2015 Trial
- What does your study of intertextual perspectives reveal about representations of oppression in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis? - Knox 2015 Trial
- Does the treatment of social manipulation in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis reveal the texts’ similarities or reinforce their distinctive qualities? - HSC Q 2015
So far the two themes of revolution and control seem feasible as they are generally different and can encapsulate other themes if given, such as oppression (control), social manipulation (control & revolution {maybe}), authority (control),resistance (revolution) - However if one of themes is something along the lines of technology that may be an issue for the exam yes -> Do you by any chance know of any other themes that could stump me that I should prepare for if it is a theme based essay?
Yet again, thank you heaps for the help Elyse and don't underestimate the amount of kudos you and Jamon (among others) deserve for hosting this site for FREE, which is a godsend for me and a lot of other people in similar situations.
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 16, 2016, 05:53:03 pm
Heya! So this is a Mod C: Representing People and Politics essay. I plan on writing this in 50 minutes for an in-class task...and I was wondering if you guys know any ways to wittle this down a bit. The question was "How do composers construct texts that reveal both the reasons for and impact of people’s particular motivation?" Also, I haven't done a conclusion as of yet. I usually wing that, haha. My texts are W.H Auden poetry and the final speech in The Great Dictator directed by Charlie Chaplin :)
Heya!! I'll take a look at this now :) Winging a conclusion is totally fine, but make sure you have some key terms and phrases you want to use to save yourself from falling into the trap of "In conclusion..." :)
Here we go :)
Without comments:
Spoiler
Composers construct texts in a deliberate way to characterise a society’s ideologies, expressing an evident disjunction between the people and its leaders. Such is true in W.H Auden’s poetry, as specific word choice and structure portray a Modernist’s opinions on political events and personalities. By rejecting orthodox poetry, Auden employs a range of literary devices and constructs texts such as The Unknown Citizen, September 1, 1939 and In Memory of W.B Yeats (I.M.W.B.Y) that acts as vehicles for expounding political opinion. Similarly, Charlie Chaplin directs the satirical film The Great Dictator to explore the negative repercussions of political personalities in society. More specifically, the theatrical elements employed in the final speech in the film not only encompasses responses to politics in the 1930s, but also supports Auden’s poetry in respect of examining the texts’ impact on people’s particular motivation.
W.H. Auden criticises the absence of individuality in society, disappointed with their natural habit to conform to ‘public opinion’ and their preference of anonymity. He addresses the lack of social cohesion because he lamented the rise of materialism and gradual loss of human character. First published in a magazine, The Unknown Citizen by Auden uses an intermittent rhyming scheme favourable in Modernist poetry, seen in couplets like “Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views//For his Union reports that he paid his dues”. This pattern increases the dry, satirical humour of the poem as Auden forces the realisation that people are near duplicates of each other. This is furthered by the use of the subtitle consisting of numbers and letters as a citizen’s identification in statistics. This implies a cold and impersonal government who only care if “all the reports on his conduct agree”. Auden describes a modern ‘saint’ through the use of selective word choice such as “normal”, “sensible” and “popular”. Through this, he portrays a depersonalised citizen, which resulting in evoking anger as people refused to be generalised with the majority and be considered materialistic.
Similarly, Charlie Chaplin highlights the loss of humanity in the 1940 satirical film, The Great Dictator, claiming that “we think too much and feel too little”. He uses the medium of film and speech to mock America for being appalled by the policies of Hitler, and yet supports a country stance on appeasement to avoid any participation in the war. Chaplin takes on the dual-role of director and actor, mimicking Hitler’s mannerism in addresses. He intrigues viewers through evocative delivery, using rising volume levels, eye contact and wide gestures. He also juxtaposes humanity with machinery, implying that men had no emotions, leaving them “cynical and unkind”. Chaplin encouraged the audience to revolt against those who “regiment your lives” and “fight for liberty”. This could also relate to one of Auden’s poems, Spain, where it states “To-day the makeshift consolations” which shows that should society stand up together, they also work to build bridges of comradery. Movie critic Bosley Crowther said that since Chaplin exposed his heart to the audience, “the effect was bewildering” and “strangely overpowering”. Albeit the impacts of his delivery were not as evident, Chaplin birthed a more engaged society as they rise against anti-Semitism and thus influence millions of people worldwide through “inventions for universal brotherhood”.
Auden is well-aware of a poet’s influence on society, leading him to use specific terminology in his poetry to represent his opinions. He chose to use his voice to highlight the rise of totalitarianism and address issues within the American society as WWII commences. September 1, 1939 confronts the outbreak of World War II through irregular rhymed stanza forms, again another characteristic of Modernist poetry. By reiterating the asymmetry, Auden comments on the repeating dictatorships in history, claiming that it is “the habit-forming pain”, suggesting that it is in men’s nature to mismanage and “do evil” to “those to whom evil is done”. Auden also employs pessimistic word choices and negative allusions, electing to use the phrase “obsessing our private lives”, which could relate to The Unknown Citizen where bureaucrats insists on knowing statistical data. He uses the condemning phrase “low dishonest decade” to depict his disappointment regarding WWII, allowing his audience to agonise “as the clever hopes expire” and realise their contribution to the conflict. Critic Christopher Pollnitz states that Auden “studies, not the political animal as such, but the nervous life of its interior”. This implies that Auden focuses on the reality, where the sense of threat and terror is heightened, resulting in absolute panic and mass slaughter.
In contrast, a politician’s voice is more formidable than a poet’s as they are trained to convince or threaten those that oppose them. Charlie Chaplin explores the power of politicians and their impact on society as they use high modality arguments to persuade others into their favour. Although music is a common film technique used to build intensity in a scene, he chooses to exclude this aspect and opted with absolute silence. As a result, the atmosphere feels authentic and the audience are able to properly hear the devotion and passion behind his words as he talks about unity and freedom. This also works in a negative manner as seen in Auden’s poem, Epitaph on a Tyrant, where he states “When he laughed, respectable senators burst with laughter”. This goes to show that a powerful politician’s voice can be toxic and enslave the intelligent due to fear. In The Great Dictator, Chaplin uses short phrases in quick succession–”men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives” to further increase the tempo of the scene. By combining with direct contact, these techniques forces the audience to pay close attention and consider their persuasive arguments in respect to their political positions.
**For the Spain inclusion, idk why i put that there...i just felt like including more of auden's poetry to show that i know them in some kind of form. Again, thank you!
W.H. Auden criticises the absence of individuality in society, disappointed with their natural habit to conform to ‘public opinion’ and their preference of anonymity. He addresses the lack of social cohesion because he lamented the rise of materialism and gradual loss of human character. First published in a magazine, The Unknown Citizen by Auden uses an intermittent rhyming scheme favourable in Modernist poetry, seen in couplets like “Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views//For his Union reports that he paid his dues”. This pattern increases the dry, satirical humour of the poem as Auden forces the realisation that people are near duplicates of each other. This is furthered by the use of the subtitle consisting of numbers and letters as a citizen’s identification in statistics. This implies a cold and impersonal government who only care if “all the reports on his conduct agree”. Auden describes a modern ‘saint’ through the use of selective word choice such as “normal”, “sensible” and “popular”. Through this, he portrays a depersonalised citizen, which resulting in evoking anger as people refused to be generalised with the majority and be considered materialistic.
Similarly, Charlie Chaplin highlights the loss of humanity in the 1940 satirical film, The Great Dictator, claiming that “we think too much and feel too little”. He uses the medium of film and speech to mock America for being appalled by the policies of Hitler, and yet supports a country stance on appeasement to avoid any participation in the war. Chaplin takes on the dual-role of director and actor, mimicking Hitler’s mannerism in addresses. He intrigues viewers through evocative delivery, using rising volume levels, eye contact and wide gestures. He also juxtaposes humanity with machinery, implying that men had no emotions, leaving them “cynical and unkind”. Chaplin encouraged the audience to revolt against those who “regiment your lives” and “fight for liberty”. This could also relate to one of Auden’s poems, Spain, where it states “To-day the makeshift consolations” which shows that should society stand up together, they also work to build bridges of comradery. Movie critic Bosley Crowther said that since Chaplin exposed his heart to the audience, “the effect was bewildering” and “strangely overpowering”. Albeit the impacts of his delivery were not as evident, Chaplin birthed a more engaged society as they rise against anti-Semitism and thus influence millions of people worldwide through “inventions for universal brotherhood”.
Auden is well-aware of a poet’s influence on society, leading him to use specific terminology in his poetry to represent his opinions. He chose to use his voice to highlight the rise of totalitarianism and address issues within the American society as WWII commences. September 1, 1939 confronts the outbreak of World War II through irregular rhymed stanza forms, again another characteristic of Modernist poetry. By reiterating the asymmetry, Auden comments on the repeating dictatorships in history, claiming that it is “the habit-forming pain”, suggesting that it is in men’s nature to mismanage and “do evil” to “those to whom evil is done”. Auden also employs pessimistic word choices and negative allusions, electing to use the phrase “obsessing our private lives”, which could relate to The Unknown Citizen where bureaucrats insists on knowing statistical data. He uses the condemning phrase “low dishonest decade” to depict his disappointment regarding WWII, allowing his audience to agonise “as the clever hopes expire” and realise their contribution to the conflict. Critic Christopher Pollnitz states that Auden “studies, not the political animal as such, but the nervous life of its interior”. This implies that Auden focuses on the reality, where the sense of threat and terror is heightened, resulting in absolute panic and mass slaughter.
In contrast, a politician’s voice is more formidable than a poet’s as they are trained to convince or threaten those that oppose them. Charlie Chaplin explores the power of politicians and their impact on society as they use high modality arguments to persuade others into their favour. Although music is a common film technique used to build intensity in a scene, he chooses to exclude this aspect and opted with absolute silence. As a result, the atmosphere feels authentic and the audience are able to properly hear the devotion and passion behind his words as he talks about unity and freedom. This also works in a negative manner as seen in Auden’s poem, Epitaph on a Tyrant, where he states “When he laughed, respectable senators burst with laughter”. This goes to show that a powerful politician’s voice can be toxic and enslave the intelligent due to fear. In The Great Dictator, Chaplin uses short phrases in quick succession–”men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives” to further increase the tempo of the scene. By combining with direct contact, these techniques forces the audience to pay close attention and consider their persuasive arguments in respect to their political positions.
**For the Spain inclusion, idk why i put that there...i just felt like including more of auden's poetry to show that i know them in some kind of form. Again, thank you!
Now your essay, with comments of mine written in bold font :)
Spoiler
Composers construct texts in a deliberate way to characterise a society’s ideologies, expressing an evident disjunction between the people and its leaders. Such is true in W.H Auden’s poetry, as specific word choice and structure portray a Modernist’s opinions on political events and personalities. By rejecting orthodox poetry, Auden employs a range of literary devices and constructs texts such as The Unknown Citizen, September 1, 1939 and In Memory of W.B Yeats (I.M.W.B.Y) that acts as vehicles for expounding political opinion. Similarly, Charlie Chaplin directs the satirical film The Great Dictator to explore the negative repercussions of political personalities in society. More specifically, the theatrical elements employed in the final speech in the film not only encompasses responses to politics in the 1930s, but also supports Auden’s poetry in respect of examining the texts’ impact on people’s particular motivation. Awesome work!
W.H. Auden criticises the absence of individuality in society, disappointed with their natural habit to conform to ‘public opinion’ and their preference of anonymity. He addresses the lack of social cohesion because he lamented the rise of materialism and gradual loss of human character. First published in a magazine, The Unknown Citizen by Auden uses an intermittent rhyming scheme favourable in Modernist poetry, seen in couplets like “Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views//For his Union reports that he paid his dues”. This pattern increases the dry, satirical humour of the poem as Auden forces the realisation that people are near duplicates of each other. This is furthered by the use of the subtitle consisting of numbers and letters as a citizen’s identification in statistics. This implies a cold and impersonal government who only care if “all the reports on his conduct agree”. Auden describes a modern ‘saint’ through the use of selective word choice such as “normal”, “sensible” and “popular”. Through this, he portrays a depersonalised citizen, which resulting results in evoking anger as people refused to be generalised with the majority and be considered materialistic.
Similarly, Charlie Chaplin highlights the loss of humanity in the 1940 satirical film, The Great Dictator, claiming that “we think too much and feel too little”. He uses the medium of film and speech to mock America for being appalled by the policies of Hitler, and yet supports a country stance on appeasement to avoid any participation in the war. Chaplin takes on the dual-role of director and actor, mimicking Hitler’s mannerism in addresses. He intrigues viewers through evocative delivery, using rising volume levels, eye contact and wide gestures. You do a really good job of discussing techniques and their purpose!!He also juxtaposes humanity with machinery, implying that men had no emotions, leaving them “cynical and unkind”. Chaplin encouraged the audience to revolt against those who “regiment your lives” and “fight for liberty”. This could also relate to one of Auden’s poems, Spain, where it states “To-day the makeshift consolations” which shows that should society stand up together, they also work to build bridges ofcomradery camaraderie. . Movie critic Bosley Crowther said that since Chaplin exposed his heart to the audience, “the effect was bewildering” and “strangely overpowering”. Albeit the impacts of his delivery were not as evident, Chaplin birthed a more engaged society as they rise against anti-Semitism and thus influence millions of people worldwide through “inventions for universal brotherhood”.
Auden is well-aware of a poet’s influence on society, leading him to use specific terminology in his poetry to represent his opinions. He chose to use his voice to highlight the rise of totalitarianism and address issues within the American society as WWII commences. September 1, 1939 confronts the outbreak of World War II through irregular rhymed stanza forms, again another characteristic of Modernist poetry. By reiterating the asymmetry, Auden comments on the repeating dictatorships in history, claiming that it is “the habit-forming pain”, suggesting that it is in men’s nature to mismanage and “do evil” to “those to whom evil is done”. Auden also employs pessimistic word choices and negative allusions, electing to use the phrase “obsessing our private lives”, which could relate to The Unknown Citizen where bureaucrats insists on knowing statistical data. This last sentence is an excellent example of how eloquent you are when describing the text and its purpose. He uses the condemning phrase “low dishonest decade” to depict his disappointment regarding WWII, allowing his audience to agonise “as the clever hopes expire” and realise their contribution to the conflict. Critic Christopher Pollnitz states that Auden “studies, not the political animal as such, but the nervous life of its interior”. This implies that Auden focuses on the reality, where the sense of threat and terror is heightened, resulting in absolute panic and mass slaughter.
In contrast, a politician’s voice is more formidable than a poet’s as they are trained to convince or threaten those that oppose them. A very interesting analysis! I'm intrigued by this :)Charlie Chaplin explores the power of politicians and their impact on society as they use high modality arguments to persuade others into their favour. Although music is a common film technique used to build intensity in a scene, he chooses to exclude this aspect and opted with absolute silence. As a result, the atmosphere feels authentic and the audience are able to properly hear the devotion and passion behind his words as he talks about unity and freedom. This also works in a negative manner as seen in Auden’s poem, Epitaph on a Tyrant, where he states “When he laughed, respectable senators burst with laughter”. This goes to show that a powerful politician’s voice can be toxic and enslave the intelligent due to fear. In The Great Dictator, Chaplin uses short phrases in quick succession–”men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives” to further increase the tempo of the scene. By combining with direct contact, these techniques forces force the audience to pay close attention and consider their persuasive arguments in respect to their political positions.
**For the Spain inclusion, idk why i put that there...i just felt like including more of auden's poetry to show that i know them in some kind of form. Again, thank you!
W.H. Auden criticises the absence of individuality in society, disappointed with their natural habit to conform to ‘public opinion’ and their preference of anonymity. He addresses the lack of social cohesion because he lamented the rise of materialism and gradual loss of human character. First published in a magazine, The Unknown Citizen by Auden uses an intermittent rhyming scheme favourable in Modernist poetry, seen in couplets like “Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views//For his Union reports that he paid his dues”. This pattern increases the dry, satirical humour of the poem as Auden forces the realisation that people are near duplicates of each other. This is furthered by the use of the subtitle consisting of numbers and letters as a citizen’s identification in statistics. This implies a cold and impersonal government who only care if “all the reports on his conduct agree”. Auden describes a modern ‘saint’ through the use of selective word choice such as “normal”, “sensible” and “popular”. Through this, he portrays a depersonalised citizen, which result
Similarly, Charlie Chaplin highlights the loss of humanity in the 1940 satirical film, The Great Dictator, claiming that “we think too much and feel too little”. He uses the medium of film and speech to mock America for being appalled by the policies of Hitler, and yet supports a country stance on appeasement to avoid any participation in the war. Chaplin takes on the dual-role of director and actor, mimicking Hitler’s mannerism in addresses. He intrigues viewers through evocative delivery, using rising volume levels, eye contact and wide gestures. You do a really good job of discussing techniques and their purpose!!He also juxtaposes humanity with machinery, implying that men had no emotions, leaving them “cynical and unkind”. Chaplin encouraged the audience to revolt against those who “regiment your lives” and “fight for liberty”. This could also relate to one of Auden’s poems, Spain, where it states “To-day the makeshift consolations” which shows that should society stand up together, they also work to build bridges of
Auden is well-aware of a poet’s influence on society, leading him to use specific terminology in his poetry to represent his opinions. He chose to use his voice to highlight the rise of totalitarianism and address issues within the American society as WWII commences. September 1, 1939 confronts the outbreak of World War II through irregular rhymed stanza forms, again another characteristic of Modernist poetry. By reiterating the asymmetry, Auden comments on the repeating dictatorships in history, claiming that it is “the habit-forming pain”, suggesting that it is in men’s nature to mismanage and “do evil” to “those to whom evil is done”. Auden also employs pessimistic word choices and negative allusions, electing to use the phrase “obsessing our private lives”, which could relate to The Unknown Citizen where bureaucrats insists on knowing statistical data. This last sentence is an excellent example of how eloquent you are when describing the text and its purpose. He uses the condemning phrase “low dishonest decade” to depict his disappointment regarding WWII, allowing his audience to agonise “as the clever hopes expire” and realise their contribution to the conflict. Critic Christopher Pollnitz states that Auden “studies, not the political animal as such, but the nervous life of its interior”. This implies that Auden focuses on the reality, where the sense of threat and terror is heightened, resulting in absolute panic and mass slaughter.
In contrast, a politician’s voice is more formidable than a poet’s as they are trained to convince or threaten those that oppose them. A very interesting analysis! I'm intrigued by this :)Charlie Chaplin explores the power of politicians and their impact on society as they use high modality arguments to persuade others into their favour. Although music is a common film technique used to build intensity in a scene, he chooses to exclude this aspect and opted with absolute silence. As a result, the atmosphere feels authentic and the audience are able to properly hear the devotion and passion behind his words as he talks about unity and freedom. This also works in a negative manner as seen in Auden’s poem, Epitaph on a Tyrant, where he states “When he laughed, respectable senators burst with laughter”. This goes to show that a powerful politician’s voice can be toxic and enslave the intelligent due to fear. In The Great Dictator, Chaplin uses short phrases in quick succession–”men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives” to further increase the tempo of the scene. By combining with direct contact, these techniques force
**For the Spain inclusion, idk why i put that there...i just felt like including more of auden's poetry to show that i know them in some kind of form. Again, thank you!
Okay! Amazing work - your analysis and textual engagement is so eloquent and quite honestly a pleasure to read. I haven't commented a lot throughout because I noticed a persistent point of critique.
The first step is to top and tail every paragraph by bringing it back to the module: people and politics. Each paragraph needs to be directed by your purpose to engage with the module. Of course, top and tailing is not enough, but it is the place to start. If it helps, begin the paragraph without actually discussing the text, simply discuss the ideas about people and politics you wish to flesh out. Then, go through your paragraph and work on the language. By this I mean, you mention dictatorship, tyranny, governments, and a bunch of other terms for politics - which is awesome! But, to show the marker that you haven't lost site of the module, you should occasionally switch these up for the question term: politics. And the same for people. By this I mean, you can say "blah blah blah, the dictatorship at the time saw a bleak political circumstance..." This reference back to politic(al)s brings your absolutely wonderful arguments back into the line of the marker. The same goes for people.
So,
1. Top and tail each paragraph.
2. Go through and colour in the paragraphs. You've done an amazing work with the texts at hand, we just need a tiny bit more of a push to tie it to the module in a really strong way.
If you're looking for ways to strengthen the essay just by trimming down a few things here and there, have a look at this article I wrote. I'm interested to know your opinion. It's something I used in my own studies, so hopefully it has something to offer for your own essays :)
Best of luck! Let me know what you're thinking :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 16, 2016, 07:50:36 pm
Thanks heaps for the feedback i'll get on to editing the essay and changing bits up immediately
Just for everyone else that may be doing 1984/Metropolis in Module A, these are the past questions i've managed to muster up
- In a comparative study of two texts, our understanding of intertextual perspectives is enhanced by a consideration of each composer's use of textual form - Barker 2015 Trial Q
- After comparing Metropolis and 1984 what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspective relating to authority and revolution? - Hurlstone 2015 Trial
- What does your study of intertextual perspectives reveal about representations of oppression in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis? - Knox 2015 Trial
- Does the treatment of social manipulation in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis reveal the texts’ similarities or reinforce their distinctive qualities? - HSC Q 2015
So far the two themes of revolution and control seem feasible as they are generally different and can encapsulate other themes if given, such as oppression (control), social manipulation (control & revolution {maybe}), authority (control),resistance (revolution) - However if one of themes is something along the lines of technology that may be an issue for the exam yes -> Do you by any chance know of any other themes that could stump me that I should prepare for if it is a theme based essay?
Yet again, thank you heaps for the help Elyse and don't underestimate the amount of kudos you and Jamon (among others) deserve for hosting this site for FREE, which is a godsend for me and a lot of other people in similar situations.
Thanks for posting those questions Jimmy, awesome!! A collaborative past question database might not be a bad idea, wonder how we could do that ::)
It sounds like you've got your themes pretty well covered, just keep finding questions and if something happens to stump you then make a change, no gaps spring out at me :D
Thanks for the kudos Jimmy! We are so super happy to be of assistance and love hearing that it is helping you guys out ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 17, 2016, 10:13:30 am
Thanks heaps for the feedback i'll get on to editing the essay and changing bits up immediately
Just for everyone else that may be doing 1984/Metropolis in Module A, these are the past questions i've managed to muster up
- In a comparative study of two texts, our understanding of intertextual perspectives is enhanced by a consideration of each composer's use of textual form - Barker 2015 Trial Q
- After comparing Metropolis and 1984 what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspective relating to authority and revolution? - Hurlstone 2015 Trial
- What does your study of intertextual perspectives reveal about representations of oppression in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis? - Knox 2015 Trial
- Does the treatment of social manipulation in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis reveal the texts’ similarities or reinforce their distinctive qualities? - HSC Q 2015
So far the two themes of revolution and control seem feasible as they are generally different and can encapsulate other themes if given, such as oppression (control), social manipulation (control & revolution {maybe}), authority (control),resistance (revolution) - However if one of themes is something along the lines of technology that may be an issue for the exam yes -> Do you by any chance know of any other themes that could stump me that I should prepare for if it is a theme based essay?
Yet again, thank you heaps for the help Elyse and don't underestimate the amount of kudos you and Jamon (among others) deserve for hosting this site for FREE, which is a godsend for me and a lot of other people in similar situations.
Previously in Module A they have asked for a context driven essay. I can't remember off the top of my head, but something like "The comparative study of blah and blah is contingent to understanding context." You'll be fine with this - you've got context down pat. I think you're totally right, context and revolution work well with so many things!
Thank you for your kind words!!! It means a lot to us :)
Post by: imnotdani on June 18, 2016, 11:23:02 am
Heya!! I'll take a look at this now :) Winging a conclusion is totally fine, but make sure you have some key terms and phrases you want to use to save yourself from falling into the trap of "In conclusion..." :)Hey! I realised I totally forgot to say thank you. I saw your advice the morning of the exam and used them, so I appreciate everything :) I see what you mean by connecting back to the module question. Hope to see you during my studies for trials!
If you're looking for ways to strengthen the essay just by trimming down a few things here and there, have a look at this article I wrote. I'm interested to know your opinion. It's something I used in my own studies, so hopefully it has something to offer for your own essays :)
Best of luck! Let me know what you're thinking :)
Post by: Noorijaz on June 19, 2016, 05:22:36 pm
Please can u read it and provide some feedback thanks
- What can I cut?
- Is it persuasive enough?
- Is it sophisticated enough?
- Have I addressed qs-Convince teachers that two texts studied are effective choices for a parried contextual study for today’s preliminary English students
-have I related and showed relevance to modern context, teenagers,
It is human nature to exploit; to take advantage of one another; and it is through these inherently human actions man will never understand. This is exactly what the novella Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad and the film Avatar directed by James Cameron is all about. EXPLOITATION
Welcome to my perspective of why these texts are commendable, comparative, contextual study material as they are abounding with interweaving elements. Furthermore an in-depth study will allow modern audience and teenagers to mull over their role in life, how nations are exerting their force internationally and their context- the world around them.
A comparative study is placing the texts in juxtaposition and reconnoitering them in relation to their contexts, characters and themes. This cogitation cultivates student’s competency to discern the effects of context and questions of value. These two texts are clearly focused on the evilness of imperialism as a result of colonialism and how they were relevant at the time, today and to a modern audience of us, students.
Ultimately imperialism and colonialism are complementary with colonialism being labeled the practice of a powerful nation exerting influence over poor or weak countries and imperialism driving this practice. Heart of Darkness conveys this theme with the whites, the Europeans manipulating the natives utilising brutishness to acquire what they want. A stupendous façade is displayed through the actual title ‘Heart of Darkness’ being the most obvious metaphor. The title in layman’s terms delines the evil and the darkness in people’s hearts, more specifically the Europeans who are enforcing their imperialistic techniques and bringing out the dark capabilities of themselves. Furthermore the colour symbolism of black and white have the usual connotations of evil and good. The dichotomy in “It looked startling round his black neck, this bit of white thread from beyond the sea” sculpts the meaning of The white souls of the black people are contrasted with the black souled whites who exploit them with their heart of darkness-thus insinuating an imperialistic nature. The whites aren’t good as you would stereotypically believe-they are black on the inside just painted white on their skin. The dominance the non-coloured race is corroborated when the context is studied as when this book was made in the late 19th century Joseph Conrad had an experience as a pilot on a steamship in the Congo-hence being the basis of Heart of Darkness. Furthermore in the last two decades of the 19 century the Europeans were scrambling for wealth and power hence grasping what they required from Africa in order to gain wealth and power through use of brutalist treatment.
Interconnecting with Heart of Darkness is Avatars take on imperialism ,based on seaming principles, outcomes and means to extract resources by treating natives savagely, destroying regions with superior transport and all leading up to making money and reaping the rewards. The militaristic style of imperialism is displayed throughout the whole film clearly shown in the Destruction of the Home Tree scene where three views are established. The Omniscient view which is the complete view of the destruction, the military perspective and the Na’vi point of view. The relationship of who’s got the power is illustrated in a low angle shot from the native’s perspective who are looking up to the Americans whilst getting out of the killing field. This depicts the power that Americans have as they look down on the ‘blue monkeys’ who are an inferior species. Selfridge classifying the natives as ‘blue monkeys’ represents that they are just animals and menial species compared to the advanced humans. These extracts of the film signify the transcendent force the Resources Development Agency have over the natives, blatantly manifesting the imperialism of the invaders to Pandora.
Avatars reflection with reality’s context in the 21st century can be explicitly coherent. The Amazon Rainforest struggle between petroleum giants and the natives is a very accurate portrayal of the struggle shown in Avatar. Furthermore the invading of US in Afghanistan , Iraq and the killing of people and control of oil – thus imperialistic and money making – and then the Afghans and Iraqis forming their own clans to fight back on US soil in terms of terrorism clearly shown in 9/11 attacks on Twin Towers. Avatar conveys that the USA is a very administrative nation and is Americanising the world gradually and the fact that this nature perseveres in the future. Supplementary to this is the purpose of this film, addressing modern contexts, audiences and striplings as a form of propaganda exposing how America is a paramount state across many borders, inspired by the past to exert force now, and will be anticipated to be a superpower in the future.
The matter of the truth is preliminary English students who study these two texts will seize knowledge of what is actually happening in the world, not just on a global scale but within their own school. Youngsters will understand some aspects of life which obtaining a glimpse of the history and heartless nature that occurred in the past, occurring today and most likely tommrow. These texts are effective to study not only bemuse we can draw many links between them, but we connect them to our lives today in our own world and most importantly we can learn life lessons allowing us judge what is actually happening on a daily basis and what our role is as an individual. To a modern audience HOD and avatar display that man will always do what’s best for their own interests having no care in the world for anyone else. It is shown in the Congo, today in the Middle East, with Aboriginals and natives of the Amazon being displaced and in the future on Pandora. Man will never understand what they are doing is wrong and inhumane. Why? Well it’s in our nature as shown over the decades and in the future. It will always be part of being human.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 19, 2016, 09:43:27 pm
Hi in have a speech due tommrow
Please can u read it and provide some feedback thanks
- What can I cut?
- Is it persuasive enough?
- Is it sophisticated enough?
- Have I addressed qs-Convince teachers that two texts studied are effective choices for a parried contextual study for today’s preliminary English students
-have I related and showed relevance to modern context, teenagers,
Hey Noorijaz! I know your speech is tomorrow, so I thought I'd go a bit more general with your feedback and just quickly try to address a few of your concerns. Feel free to repost your speech or another essay at a later date for some more specific feedback when you are a little less rushed!
First, I don't think there are any sections which stand out to be cut. If you do need to trim some time, try addressing a few sentences and being a little more succinct. For example,
The dominance the non-coloured race is corroborated when the context is studied as when this book was made in the late 19th century Joseph Conrad had an experience as a pilot on a steamship in the Congo-hence being the basis of Heart of Darkness.
You could trim some excess from this sentence, and be a little more sophisticated by just saying:
The personal experiences of the composer as a pilot are clearly evident in the dominance of the non-coloured race.
Or similar, I don't know the text, might be a bit off ;)
In that sentence and others, I also notice a couple of syntax errors that detract from your sophistication. If you have time, have a read through tonight (possibly to a family member) and ask them to tell you if anything sounds a little 'off.' There are a few little errors to be found.
I think you are making a good start in addressing the question and providing sophisticated analysis. The big thing for you to work on will be taking each of your examples (great use of techniques already), and linking it to what we learn about exploitation. Right now, you are just explaining how it is evident in the text. This is good, but to really push yourself to a high level, you need to take those explanations and say, "Okay, but why should a modern audience of teenagers and teachers care? How is our understanding accentuated?" You'll also want to try and make a few more links between your texts, to really hammer home that comparative study aspect.
I know your speech is due tomorrow, so don't change too much! Maybe make a few quick changes and then focus on delivering it in a way that is powerful and convening. Eye contact, expression, intonation, etc, delivering a great speech is more about how it is said rather than what is said!
I hope this helps a little!! Good luck for tomorrow ;D
Post by: tasiakuz on June 24, 2016, 05:48:57 pm
Thank you so much!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 24, 2016, 09:59:49 pm
Hi this is my module B essay for Speeches, the practice question is at the top and they have given us the overriding theme of the need for hope. Just wanting to see where words can be cut, preferably around 200 and if it is specific, critical and answers the question well enough.
Thank you so much!
Hey there Tasiakuz! I can definitely give your essay some feedback, it's attached below with comments throughout in bold! ;D
Spoiler
THE NEED FOR HOPE
Speeches have been described as ‘passionate and insightful responses to perceived injustices in the modern world.’
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King Jr. (MLK) adduces that the pertinence of hope is its power to drive change by looking deeply into the present to project the vision for an enriched future. Awesome conceptual Thesis statement here, I like the quote, it works well. In keeping with MLK, the political speeches of Anwar Sadat’s’ Speech to the Israeli Knesset (1977) and Paul Keating’s’ ‘Redfern Speech’ (1992), were catalysed by their passionate drive to revise perceived injustices of inequity upon the people within their contentious social and political contexts. Good introduction of text and link to the question, awesome. Although the creation of an idyllic humanity is impossible, with differing races facing unjust treatment within their respective countries, it is through the timeless ideals of peace and reconciliation insightfully conveyed by rhetoric in the speeches, which facilitates the audience to understand the speaker’s creation of a harmonious legacy. Not much I can suggest for your Thesis, it works extremely well! Perhaps you could add one sentence that links to the impact of context?
Sadat’s speech is a passionate appeal to his audience, challenging assumptions of conflict within the Arab-Israeli conflict to facilitate a united framework of peace between the nations. In your conceptual statements, try to introduce the CONCEPT before you introduce the text, just like in your Thesis. So sentence 1 sets up the concept you want to explore (without mentioning the text), and then the second sentence is something like: "This is shown in Sadat's speech, where...". This creates a more conceptual focus, which isn't AS important in the critical study module as others, but still worth exploring. The theocentric rhetoric propels the contextually driven speech, with the dramatic emphasis, “I come to you…on solid ground…we all love this land, the land of God” to immediately unite both parties with the shared value of religion, emphasised by high modality to communicate ethos to his audience. This parallels with Littlefield’s view that “Due to the different groups that may be receiving the speaker's message, effectiveness is often determined on the basis of the speaker's ability to analyse how the different audiences will interpret the messages.” Excellent analysis here! By adapting his response dexterously, he implements that “his decision” is not one to appease diplomatic tensions, “verbal juggling” or “political tactics”, but is sincere in seeking permanent peace, evidenced by his use of hyperbolic dialogue “I replied calmly…I have declared that I will go to the end of the world… I want to put before the people of Israel all the facts.” I think you could cut that last quote to just the middle phrase, that's the golden nugget. You should also have a technique for the earlier quotes if you can find it! His repetition of his assumed role as an advocate for peace enables his dream of breaking the cycle of conflict within Egypt and Israel, in order to resonate beyond the audience of the Knesset. I'd like to see you take this a step further and say what TECHNIQUES Sadat uses to resonate beyond the contextual audience, how is the speech made universal? Sadat navigated the untrusting adversaries of Israel and the divides of religion, through the power of rhetoric to create a common hope of peace as a solution to counter the single story of war facing his nation. Great conclusion - This is an awesome paragraph. Not much to critique, but I would like to see you give greater consideration to the response of the universal audience, not just the contextual, since the focus of the question is YOUR interpretation, which you must communicate as the response of modern/universal audiences.
In tandem with Sadat’s creation of a radical speech defying its time, Keating’s ‘Redfern Speech’ utilised a commanding oratory to project a cohesive vision of the Indigenous population that confronted non-Indigenous reluctance of reconciliation. Something reads ever so slightly awkwardly there, might need a bit of an adjustment. Keating’s’ unifying language with prolepsis “a year of great significance for Australia” immediately captures the audience’s attention, allowing him to present his renewed and refreshing perspective on an issue Australians often prefer to forget. As the first Australian prime Minister to recognise that European settlement effectively repressed the voices of the Indigenous peoples, he evokes through the use of emotive language and aporia that “surely we can find…solutions to the problems which beset the first Australians – the people whom the most injustice has been done” to further assure the audience that his hope of creating a “harmonious multicultural society” is achievable. Without this hope – attitudes towards the first Australians would be devoid of humility and empathy. Keating effectively constructs a speech that challenges Australia’s hegemonic hubris to optimistically spur social change not only within his context, but also for generations to come. Overall effective, but not quite to the level of your first paragraph! I think you need to delve into the quotes you have a little more, or add another example, it doesn't quite reach the level of your last paragraph.
Through his resolute hope in amity to reconceptualise history’s portrayal of the warfare in the Middle East, Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset is a proposal of peace that espouses communication over conflict. Exemplified by use of present tense; “the families of the 1973 October War are still moaning under the cruel pains of… bereavement of sons, fathers and brothers” allows the speaker to evolve the speech from evoking pathos, to giving an opinion on land issues; by showing his neutrality he enables the audience and critics to share his vision for harmonious geopolitical relations. That sentence might have been a tad long, but besides that, I think there are way better techniques in that quote! Auditory imagery, emotive familial language generates an audience empathy; I did this speech and that sentence can be used much more cleverly then just use of present tense. Sadat’s systematic construction using enumeration “The first fact: no one can build his happiness at the expense of the misery of others” highlights how the speeches’ argument evokes logos to exemplify Sadat’s credibility as an advocate for peace, a strategy that facilitated the signing of a peace treaty in 1979 with Israel. Excellent. Nonetheless, tensions today in the Middle East have not dissolved, partly due to the fact, as Abdel Monem argues, that “Leaders like Sadat can point the way, but…we, the Arabs and Israelis, must make peace ourselves.” Sadat’s hope metamorphosing into an impetus for positive change within his tumultuous landscape is not just achieved by a legally binding agreement. Real change ultimately depends on the people of Israel and Egypt carrying Sadat’s legacy of united national desires in congruency with self-interest. Another effective paragraph!
Correspondingly, Paul Keating’s rhetorical response is centred upon his faith in the power of humanity to empathise, resulting in a process of reconciliation between the Indigenous population and their rightful legacy in Australia. It is critical to understand that although 18 years have passed, Keating’s speech is equally integral to today’s society, largely in part to his acceptance of responsibility, demonstrated by his truncated accumulation “We brought the diseases. We committed the murders. We practised discrimination and exclusion.” Be a little more succinct in that early phrase, just say, "Keating's speech is equally integral...", that first bit is just empty words if you see what I mean? Grieves contends that, “the rights of an Indigenous minority are not popular political debating points.” Yet Keating’s oratory, created not for Parliament but for the people of Australia, although criticized – is evidence in its self towards the necessity of discussing the Indigenous perspective. Even in post-modern times, the identity of the indigenous population is not yet embedded into our national narrative, Behrendt stating “Keating's speech now finds itself as a high-water mark.” Keating’s elucidation towards the significance of empathy with rhetorical questioning, “We failed to ask – how would I feel if this were done to me?” reminds us of the value of empathy, currently absent from political discussion today, and consequently any active change remains stagnant. Excellent connection to modern interpretations (question). Our leaders must understand that the continual challenges of “inequality, racism and injustice,” will exist regardless of the paradigm shifts within Australia, that reconciliation is an ongoing process. Although this is great, sentences like this (and you've been borderline earlier) this doesn't relate to the speech specifically, or what the audience takes from the speech. Thus, you can cut it. Thus, the power of Keating’s oratory is not only evidenced in his response to the injustices faced by Aboriginal Australians, but his insight into the core value that makes us human; empathy, to drive his hope of the potential for steadfast values to reshape the Australian identity. Nice conclusion there, well worded.
The Speech to the Israeli Knesset and the ‘Redfern Speech’ convey to a great extent, the skill of passionate rhetoric to spark the transformative processes of societies shaped by conflict into one’s of coexistence shared by the human race. Sadat’s boundless hope for a united Middle East defied the geopolitical tensions, inspiring him to propose a permanent peace based on a shared sense of humanity, whilst Keating’s’ faith in the power of reconciliation, challenged the outcomes of inequality experienced by the Indigenous population. Ultimately, the need for hope is identified through its source of strength, which evidently develops into a catalyst for discussing the injustices that are present in our modern world. A nice succinct conclusion, but I think you should include the audience impacts/interpretations here to resonate more within the realms of the question.
Speeches have been described as ‘passionate and insightful responses to perceived injustices in the modern world.’
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King Jr. (MLK) adduces that the pertinence of hope is its power to drive change by looking deeply into the present to project the vision for an enriched future. Awesome conceptual Thesis statement here, I like the quote, it works well. In keeping with MLK, the political speeches of Anwar Sadat’s’ Speech to the Israeli Knesset (1977) and Paul Keating’s’ ‘Redfern Speech’ (1992), were catalysed by their passionate drive to revise perceived injustices of inequity upon the people within their contentious social and political contexts. Good introduction of text and link to the question, awesome. Although the creation of an idyllic humanity is impossible, with differing races facing unjust treatment within their respective countries, it is through the timeless ideals of peace and reconciliation insightfully conveyed by rhetoric in the speeches, which facilitates the audience to understand the speaker’s creation of a harmonious legacy. Not much I can suggest for your Thesis, it works extremely well! Perhaps you could add one sentence that links to the impact of context?
Sadat’s speech is a passionate appeal to his audience, challenging assumptions of conflict within the Arab-Israeli conflict to facilitate a united framework of peace between the nations. In your conceptual statements, try to introduce the CONCEPT before you introduce the text, just like in your Thesis. So sentence 1 sets up the concept you want to explore (without mentioning the text), and then the second sentence is something like: "This is shown in Sadat's speech, where...". This creates a more conceptual focus, which isn't AS important in the critical study module as others, but still worth exploring. The theocentric rhetoric propels the contextually driven speech, with the dramatic emphasis, “I come to you…on solid ground…we all love this land, the land of God” to immediately unite both parties with the shared value of religion, emphasised by high modality to communicate ethos to his audience. This parallels with Littlefield’s view that “Due to the different groups that may be receiving the speaker's message, effectiveness is often determined on the basis of the speaker's ability to analyse how the different audiences will interpret the messages.” Excellent analysis here! By adapting his response dexterously, he implements that “his decision” is not one to appease diplomatic tensions, “verbal juggling” or “political tactics”, but is sincere in seeking permanent peace, evidenced by his use of hyperbolic dialogue “I replied calmly…I have declared that I will go to the end of the world… I want to put before the people of Israel all the facts.” I think you could cut that last quote to just the middle phrase, that's the golden nugget. You should also have a technique for the earlier quotes if you can find it! His repetition of his assumed role as an advocate for peace enables his dream of breaking the cycle of conflict within Egypt and Israel, in order to resonate beyond the audience of the Knesset. I'd like to see you take this a step further and say what TECHNIQUES Sadat uses to resonate beyond the contextual audience, how is the speech made universal? Sadat navigated the untrusting adversaries of Israel and the divides of religion, through the power of rhetoric to create a common hope of peace as a solution to counter the single story of war facing his nation. Great conclusion - This is an awesome paragraph. Not much to critique, but I would like to see you give greater consideration to the response of the universal audience, not just the contextual, since the focus of the question is YOUR interpretation, which you must communicate as the response of modern/universal audiences.
In tandem with Sadat’s creation of a radical speech defying its time, Keating’s ‘Redfern Speech’ utilised a commanding oratory to project a cohesive vision of the Indigenous population that confronted non-Indigenous reluctance of reconciliation. Something reads ever so slightly awkwardly there, might need a bit of an adjustment. Keating’s’ unifying language with prolepsis “a year of great significance for Australia” immediately captures the audience’s attention, allowing him to present his renewed and refreshing perspective on an issue Australians often prefer to forget. As the first Australian prime Minister to recognise that European settlement effectively repressed the voices of the Indigenous peoples, he evokes through the use of emotive language and aporia that “surely we can find…solutions to the problems which beset the first Australians – the people whom the most injustice has been done” to further assure the audience that his hope of creating a “harmonious multicultural society” is achievable. Without this hope – attitudes towards the first Australians would be devoid of humility and empathy. Keating effectively constructs a speech that challenges Australia’s hegemonic hubris to optimistically spur social change not only within his context, but also for generations to come. Overall effective, but not quite to the level of your first paragraph! I think you need to delve into the quotes you have a little more, or add another example, it doesn't quite reach the level of your last paragraph.
Through his resolute hope in amity to reconceptualise history’s portrayal of the warfare in the Middle East, Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset is a proposal of peace that espouses communication over conflict. Exemplified by use of present tense; “the families of the 1973 October War are still moaning under the cruel pains of… bereavement of sons, fathers and brothers” allows the speaker to evolve the speech from evoking pathos, to giving an opinion on land issues; by showing his neutrality he enables the audience and critics to share his vision for harmonious geopolitical relations. That sentence might have been a tad long, but besides that, I think there are way better techniques in that quote! Auditory imagery, emotive familial language generates an audience empathy; I did this speech and that sentence can be used much more cleverly then just use of present tense. Sadat’s systematic construction using enumeration “The first fact: no one can build his happiness at the expense of the misery of others” highlights how the speeches’ argument evokes logos to exemplify Sadat’s credibility as an advocate for peace, a strategy that facilitated the signing of a peace treaty in 1979 with Israel. Excellent. Nonetheless, tensions today in the Middle East have not dissolved, partly due to the fact, as Abdel Monem argues, that “Leaders like Sadat can point the way, but…we, the Arabs and Israelis, must make peace ourselves.” Sadat’s hope metamorphosing into an impetus for positive change within his tumultuous landscape is not just achieved by a legally binding agreement. Real change ultimately depends on the people of Israel and Egypt carrying Sadat’s legacy of united national desires in congruency with self-interest. Another effective paragraph!
Correspondingly, Paul Keating’s rhetorical response is centred upon his faith in the power of humanity to empathise, resulting in a process of reconciliation between the Indigenous population and their rightful legacy in Australia. It is critical to understand that although 18 years have passed, Keating’s speech is equally integral to today’s society, largely in part to his acceptance of responsibility, demonstrated by his truncated accumulation “We brought the diseases. We committed the murders. We practised discrimination and exclusion.” Be a little more succinct in that early phrase, just say, "Keating's speech is equally integral...", that first bit is just empty words if you see what I mean? Grieves contends that, “the rights of an Indigenous minority are not popular political debating points.” Yet Keating’s oratory, created not for Parliament but for the people of Australia, although criticized – is evidence in its self towards the necessity of discussing the Indigenous perspective. Even in post-modern times, the identity of the indigenous population is not yet embedded into our national narrative, Behrendt stating “Keating's speech now finds itself as a high-water mark.” Keating’s elucidation towards the significance of empathy with rhetorical questioning, “We failed to ask – how would I feel if this were done to me?” reminds us of the value of empathy, currently absent from political discussion today, and consequently any active change remains stagnant. Excellent connection to modern interpretations (question). Our leaders must understand that the continual challenges of “inequality, racism and injustice,” will exist regardless of the paradigm shifts within Australia, that reconciliation is an ongoing process. Although this is great, sentences like this (and you've been borderline earlier) this doesn't relate to the speech specifically, or what the audience takes from the speech. Thus, you can cut it. Thus, the power of Keating’s oratory is not only evidenced in his response to the injustices faced by Aboriginal Australians, but his insight into the core value that makes us human; empathy, to drive his hope of the potential for steadfast values to reshape the Australian identity. Nice conclusion there, well worded.
The Speech to the Israeli Knesset and the ‘Redfern Speech’ convey to a great extent, the skill of passionate rhetoric to spark the transformative processes of societies shaped by conflict into one’s of coexistence shared by the human race. Sadat’s boundless hope for a united Middle East defied the geopolitical tensions, inspiring him to propose a permanent peace based on a shared sense of humanity, whilst Keating’s’ faith in the power of reconciliation, challenged the outcomes of inequality experienced by the Indigenous population. Ultimately, the need for hope is identified through its source of strength, which evidently develops into a catalyst for discussing the injustices that are present in our modern world. A nice succinct conclusion, but I think you should include the audience impacts/interpretations here to resonate more within the realms of the question.
This essay is killer, you should be really proud of this Tasia, absolutely brilliant work!! Fantastic conceptual drive throughout, lots of examples, well structured, brilliant!
In terms of what to cut, to be honest, I'd cut the additional critic quotes. They don't add much to this question, since they want your understanding. But then, I was never a big user of these extra quotes, so take my advice with a grain of salt ;) besides that, being a little more succinct in a few areas could get you back into your desired word limit ;D
I think you are answering the question reasonably well, but I do think a great focus on what modern audiences take from the speech could make that connection stronger. You should also perhaps look at rewording your conclusions to really hammer home the links to the question, try and be very explicit with linking what you are discussing to the question, don't be afraid to use parts of the phrase; ‘passionate and insightful responses to perceived injustices in the modern world,’ from time to time. This will prove to the marker that you are responding to the question at hand (give them no choice but to give you the marks) ;D
Your techniques and quotes are quite well chosen and you are analysing the impact of those techniques effectively! ;D I would say you are doing it more effectively for Sadat than Keating though :)
On the whole, question addressed well with effective analysis. Have a read of the comments throughout for a few tidbits, but this is already really fantastic!! Most of the changes I would suggest (EG - more careful consideration of quote and technique, reframing the first sentence of paragraphs to develop a stronger conceptual focus, closer links to question) are small and only require minor changes. On the whole, this is fabulous, I'm a big fan, great work!! ;D
Post by: tasiakuz on June 25, 2016, 09:12:59 am
Post by: Tianna Jones on June 25, 2016, 05:54:13 pm
I've really, really been struggling with this essay. Because I have been out of school (due to sickness) the entire year and my english teacher isn't the greatest at keeping in contact with me, i have had no guidance or anyone to look over it for me.
I was just wondering if you could please let me know what bits i need to change/fix up and whether or not I'm even on the right track really, idk
Thanks in advance :)
Post by: Happy Physics Land on June 26, 2016, 01:10:52 am
I have a people and politics assessment due next wednesday and I have written a general essay based on a 2015 HSC question. If you are available, would you please kindly take a look at my essay and perhaps give me some advice on how to adapt this to an unseen question (for example like this one from a sydney boys paper: Representation is a deliberate act of the composer. How has the composer of your core text and another related text conveyed this idea of people and politics)? I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you guys, and thank you so much in advance for having a look at my essay!
- oops I just realised I had two essays in that one document.... please only look at the colour coded essay thank you!!! :P
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 26, 2016, 06:27:36 pm
Hey,
I've really, really been struggling with this essay. Because I have been out of school (due to sickness) the entire year and my english teacher isn't the greatest at keeping in contact with me, i have had no guidance or anyone to look over it for me.
I was just wondering if you could please let me know what bits i need to change/fix up and whether or not I'm even on the right track really, idk
Thanks in advance :)
Hey Tianna! I'd be happy to take a look at this essay and give you a few pointers. The essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!! ;D
Spoiler
Hamlet’s character has been interpreted differently over the centuries. He has been seen variously as a sensitive, ‘noble’ prince, a bloody avenger, a melancholic weakling and a neurotic procrastinator. What is your interpretation of Hamlet’s character?
Hamlet, the protagonist of Elizabethan play The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, is arguably the most complex, relatable, and profound character ever created by Shakespeare. This is a character focused essay, so this works quite well, but you may want to consider something a little more general than this to start with. Like, "Characters are interpreted differently across contexts," or something similar, might be something you extrapolate on BEFORE using Hamlet as an example. However, this works well already, just a suggestion ;D Over the four centuries since the play was composed, the adroit characterization of the prince has been meticulously interpreted and re-interpreted, with Hamlet being labeled anything from a ‘sensitive, noble prince’ to a ‘bloody avenger’. Good inclusion of the stimulus here. The prevalent fascination of Hamlets character lies in Williams Shakespeare’s masterful exemplification of the perplexing contradictions of the human mind in which many can resonate with. That sentence was a little messy, might want to reconsider wording? From the moment audiences are introduced to the despondent, mourning prince, one is enthralled in the radical incongruities of his intense character; he is sensitive yet callous, cautious yet impetuous and solicitous yet barbarous. Perhaps one of the most enticing aspects of Hamlets character is that despite him being full of disastrous faults and grave imperfections, he is still considered to be a noble prince, and even the seemingly negative qualities of Hamlets persona, such as indecisiveness, brutality and hatred, appear to enhance Hamlet's position as a tragic hero. Clever introduction, very unique, and it sets up the essay quite well. I'd suggest being a little bit more high modality with YOUR interpretation that you put in at the end, come to a more conclusive judgement to make it easier to carry through the essay (this judgement can still be "on the fence" if you like, but don't use language like "appears," be sure of your judgement!
The juxtaposition of Hamlets initial acute sensitivity in the opening scenes of the play where he is mourning the loss of his father and the subsequent callousness demonstrated when he unflinchingly sends his friends to be executed is a jarring example of a contradiction within Hamlets character. Again, you may want to start general before honing in on Hamlet! However, the question allows this approach as well.
In Act 1, scene 2, Hamlet is presented as a deeply troubled young man, who is plagued by intense bereavement due to the loss of his father, King Hamlet. He cannot fathom how those around him- his mother in particular- can resume their everyday lives when he is still immobilized by grief. Hamlet himself admits that he displays all the ‘forms, moods and shapes of grief’ ( I.ii.82), although he insists his grief is substantially more than just a display. Be careful not to slip into what is called "textual retell;" simply retelling the events of the play and what they mean. Focus on Shakespeare's presentation. At the start you say Shakespeare presents Hamlet as a deeply troubled young man, what TECHNIQUES achieve this?
For they are the actions that a man might play,
But I have that within which passes show,
These but the trappings and the suits of woe. (I.ii.84-6)Try to take only the most important bits of each quote, and use them WITHIN your sentences rather than presenting them separately as you do here.
Hamlets obvious anguish when his mother refers to death as ‘common’ (I.ii.72), and suggests that he should ultimately forget his father, manifests the sensitivity of Hamlets character. I appreciate these explanations of Hamlet's character, they are definitely great, but you MUST support them with techniques, how has Shakespeare created this interpretation for you?
However, Hamlets apparent sensitivity is irrefutably undermined when he unflinchingly arranges for two of his “excellent good friends” (II.ii.223), Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to be put to death. Hamlet shows no compunction or remorse, even proclaiming that the two deserved to be executed.
Why, man, they did make love to this employment.
They are not near my conscience. Their defeat
Does by their own insinuation grow (V.ii.60-63)
In just three acts of the play, Hamlet went from being profoundly perplexed and perturbed by his mother’s bitter suggestion that death is common, to dismissively pronouncing that his two friends deserved the barbaric fate that he himself induced. The contradiction between sensitivity and callousness within the character of Hamlet, exemplifies how the human mind is constantly changing, and reacting to external situation. I like the link back to a greater, more general concept at the end. THIS is why modern audiences remain interested in the play ;D
Throughout the play, a consequential internal contradiction evident in Hamlets character is his tendency to be cautious, yet impetuous. The cautiousness and indecisiveness that Hamlet shows in avenging his fathers alleged murder is dissonant when compared to the irrationality and impetuosity displayed through the stabbing/murder of Polonius.
Act 3, scene 4 begins in Queen Gertrude’s room with Polonius concealed behind a tapestry. When Hamlet arrives, he is vehemently critical of his mother, confronting her both physically and verbally. This is a perfect example of retell. Words like "when" and "then" immediately indicate to a marker that you are just telling me what happens in the text, remember, your marker has read the text! They only want to see your interpretations and ideas about the text!
“Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge./You go not till I set up a glass/Where you may see the inmost part of you” (III.iv.18-20)
Gertrude is so frightened by Hamlet’s callousness and murderous demeanour that she despairingly adjures “Thou wilt not murder me? Help ho!” (III.iv.26)
In response to the cries of Queen Gertrude, Polonius, still hidden behind the tapestry, also yells for help. Hamlet, impetuously stabs at the tapestry, killing Polonius. As with the deaths of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Hamlet disturbingly expresses no penitence for murdering Polonius in such an imprudent manner. Previously, Hamlet was dubious to act and was immensely cautious of the ghost. The Prince had the opportunity to murder Claudius who was immersed in prayer, but after deep cogitation, deliberated that killing him while he was praying would send him straight to heaven. This level of cautious contemplation is void in the ensuing scene, as Hamlet does not stop to ponder who the person behind the tapestry is or what the potential consequences to lashing out erratically are. The ideas you are presenting are quite clever, for sure, you have given this a great deal of thought! However, again, it is the lack of textual analysis that is letting you down right now.
The relationship existing between Hamlet and Ophelia is one pervaded by contradiction. We see Hamlet treating Ophelia with inordinate cruelty by telling her to “get thee to a nunnery” (III.i.143) and declaring that only a fool could marry her because a wise man would know that she is an unfaithful monster. The prince makes a conspicuously obtuse contradiction when he professes to Ophelia that he once loved her, only to tell her shortly after that she should not believe him.
“I loved you once… you should not have believed me. I loved you not” (III.i.120/123-125)
Such cruel behaviour indicates that Hamlet harbours no solicitous feelings for Ophelia; however when Hamlet learns of Ophelia’s death he plunges into her grave and emotionally pronounces his profound love for her.
“I loved Ophelia; forty thousand brothers
Could not with all their quantity of love
Make up my sum…” (V.i.254-256)
Hamlet seems to be engulfed in an intense internal struggle, as he alternates between loving and not loving Ophelia. Perhaps he truly did love her but by her suddenly refusing his letters, he felt betrayed and hurt. Hamlet may have subconsciously tried to convince himself that he never loved Ophelia in the attempt to eradicate the enduring pain. Once again, this contradiction in Hamlets character makes him increasingly human. Love is a universally complex emotion, and Hamlets conflicting feelings for Ophelia and his solicitous/ cruel behaviour resonates with the responder, and with societies as a whole. Very similar to above paragraphs, good ideas, but you need some textual analysis to back yourself up!
In conclusion, Hamlet is the quintessential tragic hero who has beguiled responders for over 400 years with his profound character and intense demeanor. That sentence would be improved ten fold if you cut out "In conclusion." ;) The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark is so relatable because through Hamlet, the play explores the complexity of the human condition in a way that resonates with people of all ages, and exemplifies how one can simultaneously have several contradicting thoughts and/or traits. Hamlet begins with the noblest motivations- to punish his father’s alleged murderer- but by the conclusion of the play, he is indecisive, brutal and fuelled by ardent fury. Hamlets character is comprised of contradiction, a common flaw seen in all societies, irrespective of time and place. Solid conclusion! Succinct and touches on the important ideas.
Hamlet, the protagonist of Elizabethan play The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, is arguably the most complex, relatable, and profound character ever created by Shakespeare. This is a character focused essay, so this works quite well, but you may want to consider something a little more general than this to start with. Like, "Characters are interpreted differently across contexts," or something similar, might be something you extrapolate on BEFORE using Hamlet as an example. However, this works well already, just a suggestion ;D Over the four centuries since the play was composed, the adroit characterization of the prince has been meticulously interpreted and re-interpreted, with Hamlet being labeled anything from a ‘sensitive, noble prince’ to a ‘bloody avenger’. Good inclusion of the stimulus here. The prevalent fascination of Hamlets character lies in Williams Shakespeare’s masterful exemplification of the perplexing contradictions of the human mind in which many can resonate with. That sentence was a little messy, might want to reconsider wording? From the moment audiences are introduced to the despondent, mourning prince, one is enthralled in the radical incongruities of his intense character; he is sensitive yet callous, cautious yet impetuous and solicitous yet barbarous. Perhaps one of the most enticing aspects of Hamlets character is that despite him being full of disastrous faults and grave imperfections, he is still considered to be a noble prince, and even the seemingly negative qualities of Hamlets persona, such as indecisiveness, brutality and hatred, appear to enhance Hamlet's position as a tragic hero. Clever introduction, very unique, and it sets up the essay quite well. I'd suggest being a little bit more high modality with YOUR interpretation that you put in at the end, come to a more conclusive judgement to make it easier to carry through the essay (this judgement can still be "on the fence" if you like, but don't use language like "appears," be sure of your judgement!
The juxtaposition of Hamlets initial acute sensitivity in the opening scenes of the play where he is mourning the loss of his father and the subsequent callousness demonstrated when he unflinchingly sends his friends to be executed is a jarring example of a contradiction within Hamlets character. Again, you may want to start general before honing in on Hamlet! However, the question allows this approach as well.
In Act 1, scene 2, Hamlet is presented as a deeply troubled young man, who is plagued by intense bereavement due to the loss of his father, King Hamlet. He cannot fathom how those around him- his mother in particular- can resume their everyday lives when he is still immobilized by grief. Hamlet himself admits that he displays all the ‘forms, moods and shapes of grief’ ( I.ii.82), although he insists his grief is substantially more than just a display. Be careful not to slip into what is called "textual retell;" simply retelling the events of the play and what they mean. Focus on Shakespeare's presentation. At the start you say Shakespeare presents Hamlet as a deeply troubled young man, what TECHNIQUES achieve this?
For they are the actions that a man might play,
But I have that within which passes show,
These but the trappings and the suits of woe. (I.ii.84-6)Try to take only the most important bits of each quote, and use them WITHIN your sentences rather than presenting them separately as you do here.
Hamlets obvious anguish when his mother refers to death as ‘common’ (I.ii.72), and suggests that he should ultimately forget his father, manifests the sensitivity of Hamlets character. I appreciate these explanations of Hamlet's character, they are definitely great, but you MUST support them with techniques, how has Shakespeare created this interpretation for you?
However, Hamlets apparent sensitivity is irrefutably undermined when he unflinchingly arranges for two of his “excellent good friends” (II.ii.223), Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to be put to death. Hamlet shows no compunction or remorse, even proclaiming that the two deserved to be executed.
Why, man, they did make love to this employment.
They are not near my conscience. Their defeat
Does by their own insinuation grow (V.ii.60-63)
In just three acts of the play, Hamlet went from being profoundly perplexed and perturbed by his mother’s bitter suggestion that death is common, to dismissively pronouncing that his two friends deserved the barbaric fate that he himself induced. The contradiction between sensitivity and callousness within the character of Hamlet, exemplifies how the human mind is constantly changing, and reacting to external situation. I like the link back to a greater, more general concept at the end. THIS is why modern audiences remain interested in the play ;D
Throughout the play, a consequential internal contradiction evident in Hamlets character is his tendency to be cautious, yet impetuous. The cautiousness and indecisiveness that Hamlet shows in avenging his fathers alleged murder is dissonant when compared to the irrationality and impetuosity displayed through the stabbing/murder of Polonius.
Act 3, scene 4 begins in Queen Gertrude’s room with Polonius concealed behind a tapestry. When Hamlet arrives, he is vehemently critical of his mother, confronting her both physically and verbally. This is a perfect example of retell. Words like "when" and "then" immediately indicate to a marker that you are just telling me what happens in the text, remember, your marker has read the text! They only want to see your interpretations and ideas about the text!
“Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge./You go not till I set up a glass/Where you may see the inmost part of you” (III.iv.18-20)
Gertrude is so frightened by Hamlet’s callousness and murderous demeanour that she despairingly adjures “Thou wilt not murder me? Help ho!” (III.iv.26)
In response to the cries of Queen Gertrude, Polonius, still hidden behind the tapestry, also yells for help. Hamlet, impetuously stabs at the tapestry, killing Polonius. As with the deaths of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Hamlet disturbingly expresses no penitence for murdering Polonius in such an imprudent manner. Previously, Hamlet was dubious to act and was immensely cautious of the ghost. The Prince had the opportunity to murder Claudius who was immersed in prayer, but after deep cogitation, deliberated that killing him while he was praying would send him straight to heaven. This level of cautious contemplation is void in the ensuing scene, as Hamlet does not stop to ponder who the person behind the tapestry is or what the potential consequences to lashing out erratically are. The ideas you are presenting are quite clever, for sure, you have given this a great deal of thought! However, again, it is the lack of textual analysis that is letting you down right now.
The relationship existing between Hamlet and Ophelia is one pervaded by contradiction. We see Hamlet treating Ophelia with inordinate cruelty by telling her to “get thee to a nunnery” (III.i.143) and declaring that only a fool could marry her because a wise man would know that she is an unfaithful monster. The prince makes a conspicuously obtuse contradiction when he professes to Ophelia that he once loved her, only to tell her shortly after that she should not believe him.
“I loved you once… you should not have believed me. I loved you not” (III.i.120/123-125)
Such cruel behaviour indicates that Hamlet harbours no solicitous feelings for Ophelia; however when Hamlet learns of Ophelia’s death he plunges into her grave and emotionally pronounces his profound love for her.
“I loved Ophelia; forty thousand brothers
Could not with all their quantity of love
Make up my sum…” (V.i.254-256)
Hamlet seems to be engulfed in an intense internal struggle, as he alternates between loving and not loving Ophelia. Perhaps he truly did love her but by her suddenly refusing his letters, he felt betrayed and hurt. Hamlet may have subconsciously tried to convince himself that he never loved Ophelia in the attempt to eradicate the enduring pain. Once again, this contradiction in Hamlets character makes him increasingly human. Love is a universally complex emotion, and Hamlets conflicting feelings for Ophelia and his solicitous/ cruel behaviour resonates with the responder, and with societies as a whole. Very similar to above paragraphs, good ideas, but you need some textual analysis to back yourself up!
In conclusion, Hamlet is the quintessential tragic hero who has beguiled responders for over 400 years with his profound character and intense demeanor. That sentence would be improved ten fold if you cut out "In conclusion." ;) The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark is so relatable because through Hamlet, the play explores the complexity of the human condition in a way that resonates with people of all ages, and exemplifies how one can simultaneously have several contradicting thoughts and/or traits. Hamlet begins with the noblest motivations- to punish his father’s alleged murderer- but by the conclusion of the play, he is indecisive, brutal and fuelled by ardent fury. Hamlets character is comprised of contradiction, a common flaw seen in all societies, irrespective of time and place. Solid conclusion! Succinct and touches on the important ideas.
I think you have a really clever conceptual drive here, showing the development of the different traits of the character is a great way to organise the response, and this works really well! Well defined paragraphs, a great intro and conclusion, your structure and conceptual frame are fantastic!
What is letting you down at the moment is textual analysis. Basically, the focus of your English essay should be how Shakespeare has used techniques to influence the audiences interpretation of the character of Hamlet. Shakespeare creates the character in a way that solicits a specific response! What you are doing is instead, just retelling the text and using that to prove your points. While I know your ideas are there, this isn't quite what is necessary here.
You need, in each paragraph, to give examples of how Shakespeare has created a perception of Hamlet. To do this, go to TEA:
Technique: What technique (metaphor, alliteration, imagery, etc) has Shakespeare used?
Explain: What does Shakespeare want to show us and why? (perhaps linking to the context of the play)
Audience: What does the audience, therefore, learn about the character/theme/idea?
To see an example of the sort of analysis you need to be doing, take a look at this Band 6 Hamlet Essay written by Elyse! Obviously, I'm not saying to copy it ;) ... However, give it a read, and see if you can identify elements of this TEA Textual Analysis (Elyse may differ from this slightly in her writing style) in her essay, just to give yourself an example of how it can be done. Then, have a go at applying it to your essay, and come back for some more feedback!!
Your ideas are definitely there, I'm keen to see you develop your analysis and see those ideas come out even more powerfully ;D great work Tianna!
Post by: Tianna Jones on June 26, 2016, 07:24:41 pm
Thank you so, so much for looking at my essay! You have been extremely helpful :)
Admittedly, i am still a bit confused as to what parts i should take out and replace with techniques, but ill give it a go (and if you don't mind, give you a made over copy to look at shortly ;))
Thanks again,
Tianna
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2016, 03:13:44 pm
Hi Jamon,
Thank you so, so much for looking at my essay! You have been extremely helpful :)
Admittedly, i am still a bit confused as to what parts i should take out and replace with techniques, but ill give it a go (and if you don't mind, give you a made over copy to look at shortly ;))
Thanks again,
Tianna
Hi Tianna! Best to give it a go and see how you fair, but pretty much every sentence in your paragraphs except the intro and conclusion sentences should have a technique in them. You might not need to replace them all, but instead just add some techniques? As I said the ideas are there!! It's just the techniques you are missing, but they should accompany every new idea you present ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2016, 06:41:24 pm
Hey Elyse/Jamon!
I have a people and politics assessment due next wednesday and I have written a general essay based on a 2015 HSC question. If you are available, would you please kindly take a look at my essay and perhaps give me some advice on how to adapt this to an unseen question (for example like this one from a sydney boys paper: Representation is a deliberate act of the composer. How has the composer of your core text and another related text conveyed this idea of people and politics)? I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you guys, and thank you so much in advance for having a look at my essay!
- oops I just realised I had two essays in that one document.... please only look at the colour coded essay thank you!!! :P
Hey HPL! As always, happy to help, essay attached:
Note: Feedback unfinished. Saving work so far so I can go eat food, back shortly ;)
Another Note: Feedback is now finished (along with a delicious rissole dinner), all yours!
Spoiler
‘Political motivations may be ambiguous, but control is the ultimate goal.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Governments should have the purpose of seeking various types of goods for the citizens – the social contract. Instead, they manipulate truth and eliminate individualism in order to preserve their power and seize absolute control over its citizens. Excellent Thesis, lots of room to move. This seeking of control is demonstrated through both Aldous Huxley’s dystopian science fiction Brave New World (1932) and Martin Luther King’s pacifist speech “Silence is Betrayal” (1967). Huxley’s satirical representation of a totalitarian society where citizens’ freedoms are inhibited through technological manoeuvre resonates with King’s criticism towards the conformist hegemony and racial injustice which permeates the capitalist American society. Evidently, political motivations are ambiguous but all regimes lead to the paramount objective of control. Excellent Thesis! Only thing I'd add is a sentence listing your paragraph topics (the themes you'll be discussing) in some way. Besides that, can't fault it ;D
World State’s control over truth through pre-ordained caste system and hallucinogenic drugs effectively inhibits citizens from exercising free-will and fabricates false security to prevent social upheaval. Be careful to specifically mention that you are talking about Huxley's text: Further, it would be a good idea to start with a more generic conceptual statement, THEN, link it to Huxley through something like, "This notion is effectively portrayed in Huxley's text, where World State's control..." Huxley’s emotive metonymy: “Roof … awakens from a dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status and compelled Bokanovsky conditioning. The analogy of the elevator well to the Epsilon’s stupor signifies the confinement of his action and thoughts by the false security developed from his pre-destined satisfaction with the daily tedious work. Great. Similarly in King’s “Silence is Betrayal”, American government’s claim that “peace and civil rights don’t mix” perverts the truth and prohibits its citizens from freedom of thought. Technique? This notion is powerfully expressed through the rhetorical questions “Why are you joining the voices of dissent? Aren't you hurting the cause of your people, they ask?” Like the hypnopaedic influence upon the castes of World State, American citizens under the government’s propaganda have also become conformists who obediently accept the government’s stance in Vietnam War. In both texts, authority figures are motivated by political stability and their distortion of truth has restricted civilians’ unique thinking. Excellent comparison here. Huxley further emphasises on control through the satirical representation of soma which provides temporary relief from the unpleasant reality. Swap "on" for "this" or something else, for better flow :) The repetition of the sexual propaganda “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” parodies the power of the government to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truth and hence prohibiting the experience of real emotions. You could make this quote (and some of the earlier quotes) shorter if necessary for your writing speed! Not so much necessary, but possibly beneficial. Likewise in King’s speech, the use of understatement “It seemed as if there was a real promise of hope for the poor” highlights a false security that the government synthesises, whilst the real intention is to manipulate the lower class people to participate in war. Consequently, governments are able to attain control through manoeuvring the established truth and hence foster a façade of safety for its residents. Excellent textual referencing and comparison here, answers the questions very well. I'd like to see you make some remarks about what the AUDIENCE learns from the text. This is Module C, a representation module, and ultimately composers create their texts for their audiences. Thus, it should make appearances in your text, forming a part of your evaluation.
Motivated by individualism, both John and King contest the political paradigm in order to permit citizens to assume control over their own ideologies. Individualism is accentuated in Brave New World through the hyperbole “there was nothing left in the world but that one deep pulse of sound”. The symbolism of the primordial drum sound represents individual’s unique heartbeat and hence it highlights the microcosmic world that each person inherently belongs to. Cool! You could be a little more succinct there, that sentence could become just one if you wanted. However, it works well! Inspired to overturn the conformist paradigm after witnessing Linda’s succumbing to soma, John seeks to arouse a sense of rebellion amongst the Delta population through his confronting rhetorical questions “Do you like being slaves? Do you like being babies?” You don't need the retell in the first half of that sentence, cut it and then link to the next sentence instead (or add something else, but you don't need to tell me what happened in Brave New World, because the marker will have read it (and indeed, in this case, I have read it numerous times ;) By humiliatingly comparing the Delta caste to mindless existences, in conjunction with the symbolism of flinging the tablet boxes out of the window, John tries to lead his audience into questioning uniformity and help them regain independence. Careful here, you are close to attributing this effect to the character of John, keep the focus on Huxley. Similarly, motivated by civil freedom and the destructive impact of Vietnam War, King accentuates war as American government’s method to eliminate self-determination. War triggers poverty, allowing the government to control both the lower class black and white people by preventing them from being financially self-reliant. This is powerfully depicted through the situational irony in “…Negro and white boys … kill and die together for a nation that has been unable to seat them together in the same schools”. Whereas John’s objective to free the castes is unsuccessful because intellectual understandings towards independence are hypnopaedically removed from World State citizens, King’s speech is influential because American citizens understand the established irony and are conscious of the government’s extermination of individualism. Very nice contextual comparison here, but again, keep the focus on Huxley! Otherwise you slip into retell. Despite the varied impetuses behind their actions, John and King’s confrontation of the status quo is a manifestation of independence from governmental control. Another great paragraph, doesn't quite reach the heights of the last one though, try to shift yourself away from retell and keep the focus on representational analysis!
In order to achieve the ultimate goal of control, power holders willingly sacrifice religion – the fundamental building blocks of civilisation - in exchange for political security. Through parodying Christian terminologies of “Oh Lord” and “archbishop” with “Oh Ford” and “Arch-community Songster”, Huxley depicts the dominance of technology and stability over the importance of traditional religions. I'd love to see a comment on how this would affect religious audiences? Mond’s conversation with John reveals the political intention of control behind the removal of religion through employing the personification “providence takes its cue from men” in conjunction with the metaphor “Christianity without tears – that’s what soma is”. Mond represents religion as a social construction to maintain order, and by replacing religion with hypnopaedia and soma, the World Controllers are able to control the society in their favour whilst still providing citizens with similar benefits offered by religion – comfort, safety, joy. Huxley represents religion as a social construction to maintain order ;) Exposed to an increasingly secular society, King’s speech also conveys the government’s desire of control through its denial of religious power. This is implied through the forceful metaphor “first time … significant numbers of religious leaders … move beyond the prophesying of smooth patriotism to the high grounds of a firm dissent based upon the mandates of conscience”. You could definitely be more selective with that quote, you really only need the last two phrases I think! Whereas church officials have recognised their moral obligation to oppose the war, the American government continues to promote Vietnam War to secure their power of control from the invasion of communism. In both Huxley and King’s representation of their respective governments, religion is portrayed as impedance to political supremacy because God presents another source of threat to absolute control. Therefore, under the impetus of political stability, religion must be eliminated if the authority to control is to be preserved. Great ideas, but again I feel a tad lacking in textual analysis compared to the first paragraph!
Evidently, both Huxley and King’s representations of their respective contextual issues depict the governmental and individual political endeavour of control. The texts show that by using ambiguous political actions, governments are able to seek control through the methods of restricting truth and individualism and eliminating religion. Consequently, composers are able to powerfully illuminate about how politics finds expression in control. Nice conclusion, succinct but effective, connects to your Thesis nicely!
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Governments should have the purpose of seeking various types of goods for the citizens – the social contract. Instead, they manipulate truth and eliminate individualism in order to preserve their power and seize absolute control over its citizens. Excellent Thesis, lots of room to move. This seeking of control is demonstrated through both Aldous Huxley’s dystopian science fiction Brave New World (1932) and Martin Luther King’s pacifist speech “Silence is Betrayal” (1967). Huxley’s satirical representation of a totalitarian society where citizens’ freedoms are inhibited through technological manoeuvre resonates with King’s criticism towards the conformist hegemony and racial injustice which permeates the capitalist American society. Evidently, political motivations are ambiguous but all regimes lead to the paramount objective of control. Excellent Thesis! Only thing I'd add is a sentence listing your paragraph topics (the themes you'll be discussing) in some way. Besides that, can't fault it ;D
World State’s control over truth through pre-ordained caste system and hallucinogenic drugs effectively inhibits citizens from exercising free-will and fabricates false security to prevent social upheaval. Be careful to specifically mention that you are talking about Huxley's text: Further, it would be a good idea to start with a more generic conceptual statement, THEN, link it to Huxley through something like, "This notion is effectively portrayed in Huxley's text, where World State's control..." Huxley’s emotive metonymy: “Roof … awakens from a dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status and compelled Bokanovsky conditioning. The analogy of the elevator well to the Epsilon’s stupor signifies the confinement of his action and thoughts by the false security developed from his pre-destined satisfaction with the daily tedious work. Great. Similarly in King’s “Silence is Betrayal”, American government’s claim that “peace and civil rights don’t mix” perverts the truth and prohibits its citizens from freedom of thought. Technique? This notion is powerfully expressed through the rhetorical questions “Why are you joining the voices of dissent? Aren't you hurting the cause of your people, they ask?” Like the hypnopaedic influence upon the castes of World State, American citizens under the government’s propaganda have also become conformists who obediently accept the government’s stance in Vietnam War. In both texts, authority figures are motivated by political stability and their distortion of truth has restricted civilians’ unique thinking. Excellent comparison here. Huxley further emphasises on control through the satirical representation of soma which provides temporary relief from the unpleasant reality. Swap "on" for "this" or something else, for better flow :) The repetition of the sexual propaganda “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” parodies the power of the government to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truth and hence prohibiting the experience of real emotions. You could make this quote (and some of the earlier quotes) shorter if necessary for your writing speed! Not so much necessary, but possibly beneficial. Likewise in King’s speech, the use of understatement “It seemed as if there was a real promise of hope for the poor” highlights a false security that the government synthesises, whilst the real intention is to manipulate the lower class people to participate in war. Consequently, governments are able to attain control through manoeuvring the established truth and hence foster a façade of safety for its residents. Excellent textual referencing and comparison here, answers the questions very well. I'd like to see you make some remarks about what the AUDIENCE learns from the text. This is Module C, a representation module, and ultimately composers create their texts for their audiences. Thus, it should make appearances in your text, forming a part of your evaluation.
Motivated by individualism, both John and King contest the political paradigm in order to permit citizens to assume control over their own ideologies. Individualism is accentuated in Brave New World through the hyperbole “there was nothing left in the world but that one deep pulse of sound”. The symbolism of the primordial drum sound represents individual’s unique heartbeat and hence it highlights the microcosmic world that each person inherently belongs to. Cool! You could be a little more succinct there, that sentence could become just one if you wanted. However, it works well! Inspired to overturn the conformist paradigm after witnessing Linda’s succumbing to soma, John seeks to arouse a sense of rebellion amongst the Delta population through his confronting rhetorical questions “Do you like being slaves? Do you like being babies?” You don't need the retell in the first half of that sentence, cut it and then link to the next sentence instead (or add something else, but you don't need to tell me what happened in Brave New World, because the marker will have read it (and indeed, in this case, I have read it numerous times ;) By humiliatingly comparing the Delta caste to mindless existences, in conjunction with the symbolism of flinging the tablet boxes out of the window, John tries to lead his audience into questioning uniformity and help them regain independence. Careful here, you are close to attributing this effect to the character of John, keep the focus on Huxley. Similarly, motivated by civil freedom and the destructive impact of Vietnam War, King accentuates war as American government’s method to eliminate self-determination. War triggers poverty, allowing the government to control both the lower class black and white people by preventing them from being financially self-reliant. This is powerfully depicted through the situational irony in “…Negro and white boys … kill and die together for a nation that has been unable to seat them together in the same schools”. Whereas John’s objective to free the castes is unsuccessful because intellectual understandings towards independence are hypnopaedically removed from World State citizens, King’s speech is influential because American citizens understand the established irony and are conscious of the government’s extermination of individualism. Very nice contextual comparison here, but again, keep the focus on Huxley! Otherwise you slip into retell. Despite the varied impetuses behind their actions, John and King’s confrontation of the status quo is a manifestation of independence from governmental control. Another great paragraph, doesn't quite reach the heights of the last one though, try to shift yourself away from retell and keep the focus on representational analysis!
In order to achieve the ultimate goal of control, power holders willingly sacrifice religion – the fundamental building blocks of civilisation - in exchange for political security. Through parodying Christian terminologies of “Oh Lord” and “archbishop” with “Oh Ford” and “Arch-community Songster”, Huxley depicts the dominance of technology and stability over the importance of traditional religions. I'd love to see a comment on how this would affect religious audiences? Mond’s conversation with John reveals the political intention of control behind the removal of religion through employing the personification “providence takes its cue from men” in conjunction with the metaphor “Christianity without tears – that’s what soma is”. Mond represents religion as a social construction to maintain order, and by replacing religion with hypnopaedia and soma, the World Controllers are able to control the society in their favour whilst still providing citizens with similar benefits offered by religion – comfort, safety, joy. Huxley represents religion as a social construction to maintain order ;) Exposed to an increasingly secular society, King’s speech also conveys the government’s desire of control through its denial of religious power. This is implied through the forceful metaphor “first time … significant numbers of religious leaders … move beyond the prophesying of smooth patriotism to the high grounds of a firm dissent based upon the mandates of conscience”. You could definitely be more selective with that quote, you really only need the last two phrases I think! Whereas church officials have recognised their moral obligation to oppose the war, the American government continues to promote Vietnam War to secure their power of control from the invasion of communism. In both Huxley and King’s representation of their respective governments, religion is portrayed as impedance to political supremacy because God presents another source of threat to absolute control. Therefore, under the impetus of political stability, religion must be eliminated if the authority to control is to be preserved. Great ideas, but again I feel a tad lacking in textual analysis compared to the first paragraph!
Evidently, both Huxley and King’s representations of their respective contextual issues depict the governmental and individual political endeavour of control. The texts show that by using ambiguous political actions, governments are able to seek control through the methods of restricting truth and individualism and eliminating religion. Consequently, composers are able to powerfully illuminate about how politics finds expression in control. Nice conclusion, succinct but effective, connects to your Thesis nicely!
Thanks for another great essay HPL!! Your Thesis was spectacular, probably the best one I've seen you write so far, and your concepts were well defined and thus well structured throughout, a VERY nice logical structure and flow to the response which is fantastic.
Your textual analysis was brilliant in the first paragraph, but it dropped slightly in the second and third, which weren't quite as rich (you slipped into retell a bit). Keep in mind when I say that, that this is only because your first paragraph set the standard very high, as a whole your essay works extremely well.
Your concepts are definitely set, your structure is definitely set, and your Thesis is definitely set. Even your quotes are definitely set (though you could be more selective in places). It's just what you do with them. You should work on eliminating retell (remember that NOTHING can be attributed to the characters, all dues must go to the composer) and, further, making sure you integrate the audience response a little more strongly in your essay! It's a vital part of Module C.
Love your work HPL, I hope this feedback helps you!! ;D
Post by: Happy Physics Land on June 27, 2016, 11:24:27 pm
Hey HPL! As always, happy to help, essay attached:
Note: Feedback unfinished. Saving work so far so I can go eat food, back shortly ;)
Another Note: Feedback is now finished (along with a delicious rissole dinner), all yours!Spoiler‘Political motivations may be ambiguous, but control is the ultimate goal.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Governments should have the purpose of seeking various types of goods for the citizens – the social contract. Instead, they manipulate truth and eliminate individualism in order to preserve their power and seize absolute control over its citizens. Excellent Thesis, lots of room to move. This seeking of control is demonstrated through both Aldous Huxley’s dystopian science fiction Brave New World (1932) and Martin Luther King’s pacifist speech “Silence is Betrayal” (1967). Huxley’s satirical representation of a totalitarian society where citizens’ freedoms are inhibited through technological manoeuvre resonates with King’s criticism towards the conformist hegemony and racial injustice which permeates the capitalist American society. Evidently, political motivations are ambiguous but all regimes lead to the paramount objective of control. Excellent Thesis! Only thing I'd add is a sentence listing your paragraph topics (the themes you'll be discussing) in some way. Besides that, can't fault it ;D
World State’s control over truth through pre-ordained caste system and hallucinogenic drugs effectively inhibits citizens from exercising free-will and fabricates false security to prevent social upheaval. Be careful to specifically mention that you are talking about Huxley's text: Further, it would be a good idea to start with a more generic conceptual statement, THEN, link it to Huxley through something like, "This notion is effectively portrayed in Huxley's text, where World State's control..." Huxley’s emotive metonymy: “Roof … awakens from a dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status and compelled Bokanovsky conditioning. The analogy of the elevator well to the Epsilon’s stupor signifies the confinement of his action and thoughts by the false security developed from his pre-destined satisfaction with the daily tedious work. Great. Similarly in King’s “Silence is Betrayal”, American government’s claim that “peace and civil rights don’t mix” perverts the truth and prohibits its citizens from freedom of thought. Technique? This notion is powerfully expressed through the rhetorical questions “Why are you joining the voices of dissent? Aren't you hurting the cause of your people, they ask?” Like the hypnopaedic influence upon the castes of World State, American citizens under the government’s propaganda have also become conformists who obediently accept the government’s stance in Vietnam War. In both texts, authority figures are motivated by political stability and their distortion of truth has restricted civilians’ unique thinking. Excellent comparison here. Huxley further emphasises on control through the satirical representation of soma which provides temporary relief from the unpleasant reality. Swap "on" for "this" or something else, for better flow :) The repetition of the sexual propaganda “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” parodies the power of the government to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truth and hence prohibiting the experience of real emotions. You could make this quote (and some of the earlier quotes) shorter if necessary for your writing speed! Not so much necessary, but possibly beneficial. Likewise in King’s speech, the use of understatement “It seemed as if there was a real promise of hope for the poor” highlights a false security that the government synthesises, whilst the real intention is to manipulate the lower class people to participate in war. Consequently, governments are able to attain control through manoeuvring the established truth and hence foster a façade of safety for its residents. Excellent textual referencing and comparison here, answers the questions very well. I'd like to see you make some remarks about what the AUDIENCE learns from the text. This is Module C, a representation module, and ultimately composers create their texts for their audiences. Thus, it should make appearances in your text, forming a part of your evaluation.
Motivated by individualism, both John and King contest the political paradigm in order to permit citizens to assume control over their own ideologies. Individualism is accentuated in Brave New World through the hyperbole “there was nothing left in the world but that one deep pulse of sound”. The symbolism of the primordial drum sound represents individual’s unique heartbeat and hence it highlights the microcosmic world that each person inherently belongs to. Cool! You could be a little more succinct there, that sentence could become just one if you wanted. However, it works well! Inspired to overturn the conformist paradigm after witnessing Linda’s succumbing to soma, John seeks to arouse a sense of rebellion amongst the Delta population through his confronting rhetorical questions “Do you like being slaves? Do you like being babies?” You don't need the retell in the first half of that sentence, cut it and then link to the next sentence instead (or add something else, but you don't need to tell me what happened in Brave New World, because the marker will have read it (and indeed, in this case, I have read it numerous times ;) By humiliatingly comparing the Delta caste to mindless existences, in conjunction with the symbolism of flinging the tablet boxes out of the window, John tries to lead his audience into questioning uniformity and help them regain independence. Careful here, you are close to attributing this effect to the character of John, keep the focus on Huxley. Similarly, motivated by civil freedom and the destructive impact of Vietnam War, King accentuates war as American government’s method to eliminate self-determination. War triggers poverty, allowing the government to control both the lower class black and white people by preventing them from being financially self-reliant. This is powerfully depicted through the situational irony in “…Negro and white boys … kill and die together for a nation that has been unable to seat them together in the same schools”. Whereas John’s objective to free the castes is unsuccessful because intellectual understandings towards independence are hypnopaedically removed from World State citizens, King’s speech is influential because American citizens understand the established irony and are conscious of the government’s extermination of individualism. Very nice contextual comparison here, but again, keep the focus on Huxley! Otherwise you slip into retell. Despite the varied impetuses behind their actions, John and King’s confrontation of the status quo is a manifestation of independence from governmental control. Another great paragraph, doesn't quite reach the heights of the last one though, try to shift yourself away from retell and keep the focus on representational analysis!
In order to achieve the ultimate goal of control, power holders willingly sacrifice religion – the fundamental building blocks of civilisation - in exchange for political security. Through parodying Christian terminologies of “Oh Lord” and “archbishop” with “Oh Ford” and “Arch-community Songster”, Huxley depicts the dominance of technology and stability over the importance of traditional religions. I'd love to see a comment on how this would affect religious audiences? Mond’s conversation with John reveals the political intention of control behind the removal of religion through employing the personification “providence takes its cue from men” in conjunction with the metaphor “Christianity without tears – that’s what soma is”. Mond represents religion as a social construction to maintain order, and by replacing religion with hypnopaedia and soma, the World Controllers are able to control the society in their favour whilst still providing citizens with similar benefits offered by religion – comfort, safety, joy. Huxley represents religion as a social construction to maintain order ;) Exposed to an increasingly secular society, King’s speech also conveys the government’s desire of control through its denial of religious power. This is implied through the forceful metaphor “first time … significant numbers of religious leaders … move beyond the prophesying of smooth patriotism to the high grounds of a firm dissent based upon the mandates of conscience”. You could definitely be more selective with that quote, you really only need the last two phrases I think! Whereas church officials have recognised their moral obligation to oppose the war, the American government continues to promote Vietnam War to secure their power of control from the invasion of communism. In both Huxley and King’s representation of their respective governments, religion is portrayed as impedance to political supremacy because God presents another source of threat to absolute control. Therefore, under the impetus of political stability, religion must be eliminated if the authority to control is to be preserved. Great ideas, but again I feel a tad lacking in textual analysis compared to the first paragraph!
Evidently, both Huxley and King’s representations of their respective contextual issues depict the governmental and individual political endeavour of control. The texts show that by using ambiguous political actions, governments are able to seek control through the methods of restricting truth and individualism and eliminating religion. Consequently, composers are able to powerfully illuminate about how politics finds expression in control. Nice conclusion, succinct but effective, connects to your Thesis nicely!
Thanks for another great essay HPL!! Your Thesis was spectacular, probably the best one I've seen you write so far, and your concepts were well defined and thus well structured throughout, a VERY nice logical structure and flow to the response which is fantastic.
Your textual analysis was brilliant in the first paragraph, but it dropped slightly in the second and third, which weren't quite as rich (you slipped into retell a bit). Keep in mind when I say that, that this is only because your first paragraph set the standard very high, as a whole your essay works extremely well.
Your concepts are definitely set, your structure is definitely set, and your Thesis is definitely set. Even your quotes are definitely set (though you could be more selective in places). It's just what you do with them. You should work on eliminating retell (remember that NOTHING can be attributed to the characters, all dues must go to the composer) and, further, making sure you integrate the audience response a little more strongly in your essay! It's a vital part of Module C.
Love your work HPL, I hope this feedback helps you!! ;D
Thank you so so much Jamon for your valuable advices!!! Every single time you give me really critical advices, and now that I have applied the impact upon audiences in every paragraph I feel like I have assessed techniques and the purpose of each composer much better! When I was writing my essay I felt like I have analysed a lot but I think the one crucial thing that I have constantly been forgetting is that the protagonist is like the composer's puppet (like what you told me for my hamlet essay as well), and the essay is more critical when I analyse the composer's purpose and motives instead of the protagonist's. I feel a lot more confident about my essay now after applying your suggestions! I think tomorrow what I will be doing is to apply the memorised essay to different topics so that I wouldnt be overwhelmed with a completely different topic on wednesday.
I would also like to give approval towards the delicious rissole that you had for your dinner. I could really smell the aroma from the other side of sydney and I am about to nominate you to enter the next Junior Masterchef. What do you reckon???? ;)
Overall thank you Jamon for taking out your time and I really really appreciate everything you have done for me!!!! :D :D :D
P.S. We should go for a HSP after the trial lectures at Metro 1
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 28, 2016, 12:02:52 am
Thank you so so much Jamon for your valuable advices!!! Every single time you give me really critical advices, and now that I have applied the impact upon audiences in every paragraph I feel like I have assessed techniques and the purpose of each composer much better! When I was writing my essay I felt like I have analysed a lot but I think the one crucial thing that I have constantly been forgetting is that the protagonist is like the composer's puppet (like what you told me for my hamlet essay as well), and the essay is more critical when I analyse the composer's purpose and motives instead of the protagonist's. I feel a lot more confident about my essay now after applying your suggestions! I think tomorrow what I will be doing is to apply the memorised essay to different topics so that I wouldnt be overwhelmed with a completely different topic on wednesday.
I would also like to give approval towards the delicious rissole that you had for your dinner. I could really smell the aroma from the other side of sydney and I am about to nominate you to enter the next Junior Masterchef. What do you reckon???? ;)
Overall thank you Jamon for taking out your time and I really really appreciate everything you have done for me!!!! :D :D :D
P.S. We should go for a HSP after the trial lectures at Metro 1
Sounds great man! Composers are puppet masters ;)
Oh adapting essays, forgot to give advice!! I think you have a great essay here for adaptation, the trick with adapting is to just have themes that work well for a variety of stimuli, and this works really well for that!! Most of your work will be in the Thesis, the best way to get used to this is to just practice, practice practice!! Kind of like I'll practice for Junior Masterchef ;)
To tell the truth, Elyse is the master of manipulating memorised material (MMM), so I might leave her to give some better advice ;D
Definitely down for a HSP
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 28, 2016, 08:37:58 pm
I feel a lot more confident about my essay now after applying your suggestions! I think tomorrow what I will be doing is to apply the memorised essay to different topics so that I wouldnt be overwhelmed with a completely different topic on wednesday.
Hey HPL! Excellent idea here! Just a tip: Instead of going through and re-writing your essay to each question, instead, you should write the introduction completely as adapted to the new question, and then the topic sentence for each paragraph. Then if you need to test yourself with a tricky question that you think you might be thrown with in an exam, then go through each sentence of your essay and work out what you would and wouldn't take out, and what you would add in, to make it suit the question! This is much more time efficient than going through each essay question and responding to it completely :)
Post by: Happy Physics Land on June 28, 2016, 09:35:15 pm
Hey HPL! Excellent idea here! Just a tip: Instead of going through and re-writing your essay to each question, instead, you should write the introduction completely as adapted to the new question, and then the topic sentence for each paragraph. Then if you need to test yourself with a tricky question that you think you might be thrown with in an exam, then go through each sentence of your essay and work out what you would and wouldn't take out, and what you would add in, to make it suit the question! This is much more time efficient than going through each essay question and responding to it completely :)
Ahhhh yes Elyse! Im so glad to hear this because this is exactly what I have been doing for most part of this afternoon! (More because I'm a bit lazy and l didnt wanna write everything out :P). But YES thank you Elyse for that advice!!!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 30, 2016, 09:26:33 am
Ahhhh yes Elyse! Im so glad to hear this because this is exactly what I have been doing for most part of this afternoon! (More because I'm a bit lazy and l didnt wanna write everything out :P). But YES thank you Elyse for that advice!!!
Come on now HPL, let's not use the term "lazy" but rather...effectively resisting hard work ;)
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 30, 2016, 03:54:05 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 01, 2016, 03:34:45 pm
This is a basic module C essay I have made that I plan on making adaptable for the HSC and I was wondering if you would be able to give me any pointers or advice that would help.
Hey there! I'll take a look right now :)
Original:
Spoiler
According to the 17th century playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s metonymic adage, ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’. This assertion reverberates throughout history as various composers exemplify this notion, using their literary prowess to represent political motivations and the subsequent affects these motivations have on people and society. These political perspectives portrayed and criticised by the composer are often at odds with their moral, ethical and logical values, as typified in W.H. Auden’s poems, The Shield Of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5, which all (Create Thesis)
W.H. Auden’s poem derived from Homer’s The Iliad, The Shield of Achilles delves into Auden’s animosity towards totalitarian regimes and the way in which they relegate the individual through the juxtaposition of The Iliad’s myth against Auden’s modernity, thus (Integrate Thesis). This pejorative representation of contextual regimes is inscribed on Achilles’ shield, picturing, ‘A million eyes, a million boots in line, Without expression, waiting for a sign’. Auden’s synecdochic dehumanisation of the people and soldiers construes them as a means to an end, stripping all individuality, further reinforced by their expressionless obsequiousness, their inability for independent thought, reminiscent of contextual regimes under Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin. This concept of the loss of individuality under totalitarian regimes is made further poignant through the juxtaposition Auden’s modern reality against the Iliad’s more vibrant and classical imagery, ‘Hephaestus, hobbled away … Iron-hearted man-slaying Achilles, who would not live long’. Debasing the Iliad’s myth of Hephaestus creating Achilles’ intricate shield, Auden depicts Hephaestus hobbling away in anguish after foretelling Achilles’ death. Hephaestus serves as a literary manifestation of Auden, creating a reality where Achilles ‘would not live long’, compounding the inevitability and hopelessness of death under totalitarian regimes, which Auden was entirely averse towards, thus (Integrate Thesis).
Auden’s critique of political perspectives and people that are antithetical to his own continue throughout his poetry, extending into his debasement upon the ballad form, O what is that sound, which (Integrate Thesis). Establishing the poem to address overarching political regimes through the sibilant use of ‘scarlet soldiers’ to represent the force of a monarchy, Auden compounds this assertion when he says, ‘No, I promised to love you, dear, But now I must be leaving’. Putting a modernist spin on the work, Auden undermines the archetypical foundation of ballad, a foundation built on glory and a climax where a hero overcomes a seemingly unstoppable force. However Auden’s adaptation serves to reflect reality, where the hero must flee to escape the ‘scarlet soldiers’ and leave their spouse to see that ‘Their feet are heavy on the floor and their eyes are burning’. Previously establishing that the remaining person is ‘kneeling’, Auden’s synecdochic symbolism when characterising their ‘eyes’ and ‘feet’ suggests that there is nothing a common person can do to resist the ‘scarlet soldiers’. Extrapolating from these hints bestrewn throughout the poem, Auden depicts the inability of commoners to live in peace, to prosper and to survive under regimes similar to those with ‘scarlet soldiers’, overarching, monarchic regimes, thus (Integrate Thesis).
Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 depicts the exploits of Billy Pilgrim throughout WWII as a medium for criticising the current politics of the Vietnamese war and the people spearheading it, (Integrate Thesis). This notion is first presented when Mary makes an ironic dichotomy, saying ‘You were just babies in the war … You’ll pretend you were men instead of babies … war will look just wonderful’. Characterising the fighting men as ‘babies’, Vonnegut instigates his critique upon the misguided machismo attitudes presented throughout literature and perpetuated by President Johnson’s hyper-masculine rhetoric that persuaded ‘men’ to serve in Vietnam. This man vs. baby binary created by Vonnegut to question the glory of war is reified when Vonnegut ironically characterises the fighting men as ‘Foolish virgins …right at the end of childhood’. Vonnegut’s metaphor foregrounds the ignorance and innocence of young men that are coerced to participate in war as they are only ‘foolish virgins’. Thus, Vonnegut’s composition aims to subvert the current glorification of war in literature and disrupt the cultural mythology, which, along with the contextual president Johnson, perpetuates and worships war as a medium for turning boys into men, when in fact it simply deprives men of their compassion, reason and personhood, thus (Integrate Thesis).
Vonnegut’s critique of political motivations in the Vietnamese war pervades the novel, however they develop from criticising the masculine nature of war. As Vonnegut experienced the war, he experienced first hand the havoc it creates on the human psyche, its ability to emotionally and psychologically cripple combatants, thus (Integrate Thesis). This concept is elucidated upon during Billy’s stream of consciousness, ‘Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say … so it goes’. Explicitly depicting the lose of emotional stability, Vonnegut’s creation of Billy serves as a literary manifestation of the innumerable combatants within war who have lost their emotional capacity, attacking the political powers at play that have sent these men to war. The use of ‘so it goes’ within the quote serves as an epigrammatical phrase that de-emphasises the death bestrewn throughout the novel, acting as a metaphorical and symbolic scar from war, a scar that removes any emotional connection to death, ‘His wife died … so it goes’. After witnessing his wife die, Billy remains indifferent entirely after acknowledging his nihilistic viewpoint, that that’s how it goes. It is from his war experiences that this callous nihilism fosters, war which Vonnegut detests and attempts to dissuade thousands of men from joining in despite the contextual political whims in 1960’s America, (Integrate Thesis).
Both W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 serve as poignant reminders of their composers’ realities, insulated and concealed in the guise of literature. It is through these works that the composers’ respective political motivations emerge, along with the impacts that they have on society, which ultimately portray (Integrate Thesis) through a variety of textual forms and features.
W.H. Auden’s poem derived from Homer’s The Iliad, The Shield of Achilles delves into Auden’s animosity towards totalitarian regimes and the way in which they relegate the individual through the juxtaposition of The Iliad’s myth against Auden’s modernity, thus (Integrate Thesis). This pejorative representation of contextual regimes is inscribed on Achilles’ shield, picturing, ‘A million eyes, a million boots in line, Without expression, waiting for a sign’. Auden’s synecdochic dehumanisation of the people and soldiers construes them as a means to an end, stripping all individuality, further reinforced by their expressionless obsequiousness, their inability for independent thought, reminiscent of contextual regimes under Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin. This concept of the loss of individuality under totalitarian regimes is made further poignant through the juxtaposition Auden’s modern reality against the Iliad’s more vibrant and classical imagery, ‘Hephaestus, hobbled away … Iron-hearted man-slaying Achilles, who would not live long’. Debasing the Iliad’s myth of Hephaestus creating Achilles’ intricate shield, Auden depicts Hephaestus hobbling away in anguish after foretelling Achilles’ death. Hephaestus serves as a literary manifestation of Auden, creating a reality where Achilles ‘would not live long’, compounding the inevitability and hopelessness of death under totalitarian regimes, which Auden was entirely averse towards, thus (Integrate Thesis).
Auden’s critique of political perspectives and people that are antithetical to his own continue throughout his poetry, extending into his debasement upon the ballad form, O what is that sound, which (Integrate Thesis). Establishing the poem to address overarching political regimes through the sibilant use of ‘scarlet soldiers’ to represent the force of a monarchy, Auden compounds this assertion when he says, ‘No, I promised to love you, dear, But now I must be leaving’. Putting a modernist spin on the work, Auden undermines the archetypical foundation of ballad, a foundation built on glory and a climax where a hero overcomes a seemingly unstoppable force. However Auden’s adaptation serves to reflect reality, where the hero must flee to escape the ‘scarlet soldiers’ and leave their spouse to see that ‘Their feet are heavy on the floor and their eyes are burning’. Previously establishing that the remaining person is ‘kneeling’, Auden’s synecdochic symbolism when characterising their ‘eyes’ and ‘feet’ suggests that there is nothing a common person can do to resist the ‘scarlet soldiers’. Extrapolating from these hints bestrewn throughout the poem, Auden depicts the inability of commoners to live in peace, to prosper and to survive under regimes similar to those with ‘scarlet soldiers’, overarching, monarchic regimes, thus (Integrate Thesis).
Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 depicts the exploits of Billy Pilgrim throughout WWII as a medium for criticising the current politics of the Vietnamese war and the people spearheading it, (Integrate Thesis). This notion is first presented when Mary makes an ironic dichotomy, saying ‘You were just babies in the war … You’ll pretend you were men instead of babies … war will look just wonderful’. Characterising the fighting men as ‘babies’, Vonnegut instigates his critique upon the misguided machismo attitudes presented throughout literature and perpetuated by President Johnson’s hyper-masculine rhetoric that persuaded ‘men’ to serve in Vietnam. This man vs. baby binary created by Vonnegut to question the glory of war is reified when Vonnegut ironically characterises the fighting men as ‘Foolish virgins …right at the end of childhood’. Vonnegut’s metaphor foregrounds the ignorance and innocence of young men that are coerced to participate in war as they are only ‘foolish virgins’. Thus, Vonnegut’s composition aims to subvert the current glorification of war in literature and disrupt the cultural mythology, which, along with the contextual president Johnson, perpetuates and worships war as a medium for turning boys into men, when in fact it simply deprives men of their compassion, reason and personhood, thus (Integrate Thesis).
Vonnegut’s critique of political motivations in the Vietnamese war pervades the novel, however they develop from criticising the masculine nature of war. As Vonnegut experienced the war, he experienced first hand the havoc it creates on the human psyche, its ability to emotionally and psychologically cripple combatants, thus (Integrate Thesis). This concept is elucidated upon during Billy’s stream of consciousness, ‘Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say … so it goes’. Explicitly depicting the lose of emotional stability, Vonnegut’s creation of Billy serves as a literary manifestation of the innumerable combatants within war who have lost their emotional capacity, attacking the political powers at play that have sent these men to war. The use of ‘so it goes’ within the quote serves as an epigrammatical phrase that de-emphasises the death bestrewn throughout the novel, acting as a metaphorical and symbolic scar from war, a scar that removes any emotional connection to death, ‘His wife died … so it goes’. After witnessing his wife die, Billy remains indifferent entirely after acknowledging his nihilistic viewpoint, that that’s how it goes. It is from his war experiences that this callous nihilism fosters, war which Vonnegut detests and attempts to dissuade thousands of men from joining in despite the contextual political whims in 1960’s America, (Integrate Thesis).
Both W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 serve as poignant reminders of their composers’ realities, insulated and concealed in the guise of literature. It is through these works that the composers’ respective political motivations emerge, along with the impacts that they have on society, which ultimately portray (Integrate Thesis) through a variety of textual forms and features.
With comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
According to the 17th century playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s metonymic adage, ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’. This assertion reverberates throughout history as various composers exemplify this notion, using their literary prowess to represent political motivations and the subsequent affects these motivations have on people and society. These political perspectives portrayed and criticised by the composer are often at odds with their moral, ethical and logical values, as typified in W.H. Auden’s poems, The Shield Of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5, which all (Create Thesis) Using the adage is a really unique way to start your essay. I think it works really well. Being completely honest, I was skeptical. Often people start with quotes and they don't make it purposeful. But you've linked this very adequately. I can't wait to see what you do with a thesis! This is a potential idea, it doesn't necessarily have to be followed through. But you don't deal explicitly with "sword" in the adage. This definitely isn't a problem, but you could consider tying that in as well. Like, talking about how the authors wrote in times of physical turbulence, but opted for the pen over the sword. Just an idea :)
W.H. Auden’s poem derived from Homer’s The Iliad, The Shield of Achilles delves into Auden’s animosity towards totalitarian regimes and the way in which they relegate the individual through the juxtaposition of The Iliad’s myth against Auden’s modernity, thus (Integrate Thesis). Everything in this last sentence is great - except that when you integrate the thesis, it will become a very very long sentence. So be prepared to split it in an exam :) This pejorative representation of contextual regimes is inscribed on Achilles’ shield, picturing, ‘A million eyes, a million boots in line, Without expression, waiting for a sign’. Auden’s synecdochic dehumanisation of the people and soldiers construes them as a means to an end, stripping all individuality, further reinforced by their expressionless obsequiousness, their inability for independent thought, reminiscent of contextual regimes under Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin. Your sentences are proving jam packed! You've got great stuff here, but it is super long. Consider splitting the sentences to make them more digestible. This concept of the loss of individuality under totalitarian regimes is made further poignant through the juxtaposition Auden’s modern reality against the Iliad’s more vibrant and classical imagery, ‘Hephaestus, hobbled away … Iron-hearted man-slaying Achilles, who would not live long’. Debasing the Iliad’s myth of Hephaestus creating Achilles’ intricate shield, Auden depicts Hephaestus hobbling away in anguish after foretelling Achilles’ death. Hephaestus serves as a literary manifestation of Auden, creating a reality where Achilles ‘would not live long’, compounding the inevitability and hopelessness of death under totalitarian regimes, which Auden was entirely averse towards, thus (Integrate Thesis). I think you need a bit more reference to the people and politics connection. You reference both, but don't connect the two. This very well could be because your thesis isn't integrated yet, and your thesis is likely to make a comment on the relationship between people and politics.
Auden’s critique of political perspectives and people that are antithetical to his own continue throughout his poetry, extending into his debasement upon the ballad form, O what is that sound, which (Integrate Thesis). Establishing the poem to address overarching political regimes through the sibilant use of ‘scarlet soldiers’ to represent the force of a monarchy, Auden compounds this assertion when he says, ‘No, I promised to love you, dear, But now I must be leaving’. Putting a modernist spin on the work, Auden undermines the archetypical foundation of ballad, a foundation built on glory and a climax where a hero overcomes a seemingly unstoppable force. However Auden’s adaptation serves to reflect reality, where the hero must flee to escape the ‘scarlet soldiers’ and leave their spouse to see that ‘Their feet are heavy on the floor and their eyes are burning’. This is a good spot to make a people and politics reference - the hero and the soldiers.Previously establishing that the remaining person is ‘kneeling’, Auden’s synecdochic symbolism when characterising their ‘eyes’ and ‘feet’ suggests that there is nothing a common person can do to resist the ‘scarlet soldiers’. Extrapolating from these hints bestrewn throughout the poem, Auden depicts the inability of commoners to live in peace, to prosper and to survive under regimes similar to those with ‘scarlet soldiers’, overarching, monarchic regimes, thus (Integrate Thesis).
Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 depicts the exploits of Billy Pilgrim throughout WWII as a medium for criticising the current politics of the Vietnamese war and the people spearheading it, (Integrate Thesis). This notion is first presented when Mary makes an ironic dichotomy, saying ‘You were just babies in the war … You’ll pretend you were men instead of babies … war will look just wonderful’. Characterising the fighting men as ‘babies’, Vonnegut instigates his critique upon the misguided machismo attitudes presented throughout literature and perpetuated by President Johnson’s hyper-masculine rhetoric that persuaded ‘men’ to serve in Vietnam. Good reference! Really strong!This man vs. baby binary created by Vonnegut to question the glory of war is reified when Vonnegut ironically characterises the fighting men as ‘Foolish virgins …right at the end of childhood’. Vonnegut’s metaphor foregrounds the ignorance and innocence of young men that are coerced to participate in war as they are only ‘foolish virgins’. Thus, Vonnegut’s composition aims to subvert the current glorification of war in literature and disrupt the cultural mythology, which, along with the contextual president Johnson, perpetuates and worships war as a medium for turning boys into men, when in fact it simply deprives men of their compassion, reason and personhood, thus (Integrate Thesis). When you talk about literature, I recall the adage at the beginning of the poem. Is it possible for you to bring forward,and reference the adage throughout the poem? Just another thought! Your work is really wonderful, so I'm looking for ways to really extend it further, but it comes don to your personal understanding and style!
Vonnegut’s critique of political motivations in the Vietnamese war pervades the novel, however however doesn't seem like the right connector. they develop from criticising the masculine nature of war. As Vonnegut experienced the war, he experienced first hand the havoc it creates on the human psyche, its ability to emotionally and psychologically cripple combatants, thus (Integrate Thesis). This concept is elucidated upon during Billy’s stream of consciousness, ‘Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say … so it goes’. Explicitly depicting thelose loss of emotional stability, Vonnegut’s creation of Billy serves as a literary manifestation of the innumerable combatants within war who have lost their emotional capacity, attacking the political powers at play that have sent these men to war. The use of ‘so it goes’ within the quote serves as an epigrammatical phrase that de-emphasises the death bestrewn throughout the novel, acting as a metaphorical and symbolic scar from war, a scar that removes any emotional connection to death, ‘His wife died … so it goes’. After witnessing his wife die, Billy remains indifferent entirely after acknowledging his nihilistic viewpoint, that that’s how it goes. It is from his war experiences that this callous nihilism fosters, war which Vonnegut detests and attempts to dissuade thousands of men from joining in despite the contextual political whims in 1960’s America, (Integrate Thesis). Great analysis! As usual!
Both W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 serve as poignant reminders of their composers’ realities, insulated and concealed in the guise of literature. It is through these works that the composers’ respective political motivations emerge, along with the impacts that they have on society, which ultimately portray (Integrate Thesis) through a variety of textual forms and features. This needs to be longer. I suggest dealing with each of the two texts in a separate sentence :)
W.H. Auden’s poem derived from Homer’s The Iliad, The Shield of Achilles delves into Auden’s animosity towards totalitarian regimes and the way in which they relegate the individual through the juxtaposition of The Iliad’s myth against Auden’s modernity, thus (Integrate Thesis). Everything in this last sentence is great - except that when you integrate the thesis, it will become a very very long sentence. So be prepared to split it in an exam :) This pejorative representation of contextual regimes is inscribed on Achilles’ shield, picturing, ‘A million eyes, a million boots in line, Without expression, waiting for a sign’. Auden’s synecdochic dehumanisation of the people and soldiers construes them as a means to an end, stripping all individuality, further reinforced by their expressionless obsequiousness, their inability for independent thought, reminiscent of contextual regimes under Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin. Your sentences are proving jam packed! You've got great stuff here, but it is super long. Consider splitting the sentences to make them more digestible. This concept of the loss of individuality under totalitarian regimes is made further poignant through the juxtaposition Auden’s modern reality against the Iliad’s more vibrant and classical imagery, ‘Hephaestus, hobbled away … Iron-hearted man-slaying Achilles, who would not live long’. Debasing the Iliad’s myth of Hephaestus creating Achilles’ intricate shield, Auden depicts Hephaestus hobbling away in anguish after foretelling Achilles’ death. Hephaestus serves as a literary manifestation of Auden, creating a reality where Achilles ‘would not live long’, compounding the inevitability and hopelessness of death under totalitarian regimes, which Auden was entirely averse towards, thus (Integrate Thesis). I think you need a bit more reference to the people and politics connection. You reference both, but don't connect the two. This very well could be because your thesis isn't integrated yet, and your thesis is likely to make a comment on the relationship between people and politics.
Auden’s critique of political perspectives and people that are antithetical to his own continue throughout his poetry, extending into his debasement upon the ballad form, O what is that sound, which (Integrate Thesis). Establishing the poem to address overarching political regimes through the sibilant use of ‘scarlet soldiers’ to represent the force of a monarchy, Auden compounds this assertion when he says, ‘No, I promised to love you, dear, But now I must be leaving’. Putting a modernist spin on the work, Auden undermines the archetypical foundation of ballad, a foundation built on glory and a climax where a hero overcomes a seemingly unstoppable force. However Auden’s adaptation serves to reflect reality, where the hero must flee to escape the ‘scarlet soldiers’ and leave their spouse to see that ‘Their feet are heavy on the floor and their eyes are burning’. This is a good spot to make a people and politics reference - the hero and the soldiers.Previously establishing that the remaining person is ‘kneeling’, Auden’s synecdochic symbolism when characterising their ‘eyes’ and ‘feet’ suggests that there is nothing a common person can do to resist the ‘scarlet soldiers’. Extrapolating from these hints bestrewn throughout the poem, Auden depicts the inability of commoners to live in peace, to prosper and to survive under regimes similar to those with ‘scarlet soldiers’, overarching, monarchic regimes, thus (Integrate Thesis).
Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 depicts the exploits of Billy Pilgrim throughout WWII as a medium for criticising the current politics of the Vietnamese war and the people spearheading it, (Integrate Thesis). This notion is first presented when Mary makes an ironic dichotomy, saying ‘You were just babies in the war … You’ll pretend you were men instead of babies … war will look just wonderful’. Characterising the fighting men as ‘babies’, Vonnegut instigates his critique upon the misguided machismo attitudes presented throughout literature and perpetuated by President Johnson’s hyper-masculine rhetoric that persuaded ‘men’ to serve in Vietnam. Good reference! Really strong!This man vs. baby binary created by Vonnegut to question the glory of war is reified when Vonnegut ironically characterises the fighting men as ‘Foolish virgins …right at the end of childhood’. Vonnegut’s metaphor foregrounds the ignorance and innocence of young men that are coerced to participate in war as they are only ‘foolish virgins’. Thus, Vonnegut’s composition aims to subvert the current glorification of war in literature and disrupt the cultural mythology, which, along with the contextual president Johnson, perpetuates and worships war as a medium for turning boys into men, when in fact it simply deprives men of their compassion, reason and personhood, thus (Integrate Thesis). When you talk about literature, I recall the adage at the beginning of the poem. Is it possible for you to bring forward,and reference the adage throughout the poem? Just another thought! Your work is really wonderful, so I'm looking for ways to really extend it further, but it comes don to your personal understanding and style!
Vonnegut’s critique of political motivations in the Vietnamese war pervades the novel, however however doesn't seem like the right connector. they develop from criticising the masculine nature of war. As Vonnegut experienced the war, he experienced first hand the havoc it creates on the human psyche, its ability to emotionally and psychologically cripple combatants, thus (Integrate Thesis). This concept is elucidated upon during Billy’s stream of consciousness, ‘Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say … so it goes’. Explicitly depicting the
Both W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 serve as poignant reminders of their composers’ realities, insulated and concealed in the guise of literature. It is through these works that the composers’ respective political motivations emerge, along with the impacts that they have on society, which ultimately portray (Integrate Thesis) through a variety of textual forms and features. This needs to be longer. I suggest dealing with each of the two texts in a separate sentence :)
You've done a great job - this was super difficult to flaw! I've more suggested things to extend the essay, if you have the time or will to do so. You should be super proud of this.
Have you got a plan about how you will formulate your thesis? That is the next step :) Will it be on the spot in the exam? Or will you prepare several and adapt in the exam? Your thesis may be the difference between bands.
Consider weaving the adage subtly throughout further. It might jus give the essay a boost of integrity :)
Good luck! You've done an awesome job :)
Post by: likeneverbefore on July 03, 2016, 03:32:52 pm
I was wondering whether you could have a look at my MOD A essay (Richard III and LFR). Please be as harsh as possible ;D!
Thank you so so much!!!
Jack
Post by: brontem on July 03, 2016, 05:27:04 pm
Please be harsh on it, I want to (and really need to) get this essay done right :D
Thanks :) :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 03, 2016, 08:57:10 pm
Hi there :)
I was wondering whether you could have a look at my MOD A essay (Richard III and LFR). Please be as harsh as possible ;D!
Thank you so so much!!!
Jack
Hey Jack!! Thanks for posting your essay, and welcome to the forums!! ;D
Unfortunately we have a restriction for essay marking, you must have 5 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you would like marked. This is to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged up and thus remains as beneficial as possible for active members of the ATAR Notes community. Since this is your first essay, you just need 5 posts, the next one will need another 5, etc etc ;D
Full rules on essay marking are available at the link in my signature below ;D
You only need another 4 posts! You can come say hi or ask a question in our HSC Discussion Thread, ask a question in one of our forums, anything you like! As soon as you hit 5 posts just message me or post again in this thread and either Elyse or myself will definitely give you some great feedback! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 03, 2016, 10:33:01 pm
Hi!! :) Here's my module A essay; I really am struggling with this module, I can't seem to get it right >:( The feedback given by my teacher was that it had too many "sweeping statements" and poor clarity of expression. I really hated the structure we were given (as soon as I stop integrating my essay falls apart) so I tried to fix the whole thing up again; basically starting from scratch. :-[
Please be harsh on it, I want to (and really need to) get this essay done right :D
Thanks :) :)
Hey Brontem! Essay attached, I will be harsh ;) however, I can't scrutinise it perfectly without seeing the question, so remember to consider my feedback in terms of what is being asked! ;D
Spoiler
Societal values and contextual influences can either support or obstruct a leader’s endeavour to seize, gain and maintain power. I'd like to see another sentence to support this Thesis. How is this true? (you'd likely make some references to leaders needing to either abide by the social constructs of their context, or attempt to challenge them, something like that). This Thesis works well, but it could be better. The political ideologies within the process of the gaining and maintenance of power are explored in both Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare examine naïve political idealism juxtaposed to the darker side of human nature – that is, the need to gain power through deceit, manipulation and brutality. Fantastic. The essential difference in the texts, whilst exploring similar ideals, is how the values of each writer’s context are responded to. Slightly off expression there, try saying something like "how the composers responded to their respective contexts," or something. Machiavelli subverts the religious and political views of Renaissance Florence, completely rejecting the highly held principle of inherent morality. Shakespeare, through demonstrating both a Machiavellian and Elizabethan perspective on the approaches to power, examines the effectiveness of a leader's pursuit for power in respect to context. The contextual influence of each composer allows for differing perspectives on the pursuit of power to be heightened when considering the values of each society. On the whole, a great Thesis to start you off here! Well done.
A leader who moves beyond contextual confines will have a more effective approach to gaining power. This is a nice idea, but again, I'd like you to flesh this out a little more! Why is this true? Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; however brutal or morally abhorrent the means. Remove the word "the" in that sentence, but good. Machiavelli endorses the notion of using pragmatic strategies to assist in the quest to seize and maintain power. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence, and places increased value on brutal approaches to power. I think you can try and make these initial statements a little more succinct, try and blend it into less sentences. You should be into textual analysis by now. The moral dogma of the need for leaders to be virtuous and strive for inherent goodness is radically dismissed by Machiavelli; the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Good contextual link. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism when requesting power. Technique? Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and lion analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies his total dismissal of morality and the value placed on using brutality to gain power. Be sure to conclude every paragraph with an appropriate summative sentence. EG - "Therefore, it is clear how Machiavelli...: A solid paragraph overall.
Machiavelli’s perspective on endorsing brutality in the pursuit of power is heightened by Shakespeare in Julius Caesar. Fantastic that you've linked the texts here, absolutely vital if you are choosing not to integrate. However, again I'm looking for a little more depth, exactly why does Shakespeare support the perspective, for example? Antony subverts the values of society, being pragmatic, cold and ruthless when it is needed - elements of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Antony’s ruthlessness highlighted by his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his highly perceptive nature, where he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. WARNING: You MUST attribute all techniques to Shakespeare. These last two sentences need to be reworked to focus on how Shakespeare has CRAFTED the character of Antony. As soon as you start discussing the character by themselves, you have slipped into retell. This is reminiscent of Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. Good textual link. Antony's brutality is exemplified in the execution of his nephew and 100 senators, a principle which Machiavelli held to much value; to "eliminate them or destroy them utterly" and justifying any destruction to gain power. Try not to use plot details as evidence, focus on TECHNIQUES! Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective whilst fulfilling his own political agenda, using manipulation to shift the political stance. Antony’s funeral oratory is his ultimate conquer in his pursuit for power; the repetition of “honourable men” when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines and disproves their legitimacy. Antony’s tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” allow for subliminal suggestion to the masses and cons them into believing Antony’s perspective. Again, shift the focus to Shakespeare. Further, I'm looking for what this shows the audience BEYOND the confines of this text. What does it show us about brutality in the pursuit of power? Antony gains control of the crowd, their manipulation emphasised in their monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” supporting Machiavelli’s belief the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning himself within the crowd to allow the crowd to mould to Antony’s personal bias. Antony is the ideal leader in the Machiavellian perspective, as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Antony’s brutal perspective, which aligns with that of Machiavellis, exemplifies how using deception and immoral tactics can assist in the conquest for power. This paragraph has some great techniques and analysis, but you need to take a step away from Antony and his effect on the crowd, and instead focus on how Shakespeare CREATED/FRAMED Antony in order to communicate the gullibility of audiences and the power of manipulation. Further, I don't think this analysis quite backs up your opening sentence in this paragraph, it is more a commentary on manipulation than brutality.
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. This has a little more depth than your other concepts, great! The Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order which held the Monarch’s role inviolate are represented by Shakespeare to convey the effectiveness on acting within moral boundaries. Fantastic start to the paragraph! Shakespeare, through Brutus, examines the approach to power that respects the Elizabethan values of the divinity of the monarch. Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality – his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” blinds him from the realities of the brutality of power. Again, Shakespeare's use of insistent dialogue is what is at play here! It is in this sense that Brutus Machiavelli’s textbook political failure, a Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live, the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure that Antony would not disrupt Brutus’ quest for power. Shakespeare represents Brutus as an inadequate leader; by irresponsibly letting Antony conduct his funeral speech, Brutus exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. This paragraph does not have the same level of evidence as your first two, it creates a fairly large imbalance.
The values held by society can influence how a leader can accomplish the acquisition and preservation of authority. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Shakespeare and Machiavelli deal with the importance of technicalities during the seize of power, how successful each leader is, is dependent on how they respond to the status quo of their context. A nice and succinct conclusion, I think this works well, but I'd like to see greater reference to how each was influenced by their context (the focus of the module should always be re-affirmed in the conclusion.
A leader who moves beyond contextual confines will have a more effective approach to gaining power. This is a nice idea, but again, I'd like you to flesh this out a little more! Why is this true? Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; however brutal or morally abhorrent the means. Remove the word "the" in that sentence, but good. Machiavelli endorses the notion of using pragmatic strategies to assist in the quest to seize and maintain power. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence, and places increased value on brutal approaches to power. I think you can try and make these initial statements a little more succinct, try and blend it into less sentences. You should be into textual analysis by now. The moral dogma of the need for leaders to be virtuous and strive for inherent goodness is radically dismissed by Machiavelli; the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Good contextual link. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism when requesting power. Technique? Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and lion analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies his total dismissal of morality and the value placed on using brutality to gain power. Be sure to conclude every paragraph with an appropriate summative sentence. EG - "Therefore, it is clear how Machiavelli...: A solid paragraph overall.
Machiavelli’s perspective on endorsing brutality in the pursuit of power is heightened by Shakespeare in Julius Caesar. Fantastic that you've linked the texts here, absolutely vital if you are choosing not to integrate. However, again I'm looking for a little more depth, exactly why does Shakespeare support the perspective, for example? Antony subverts the values of society, being pragmatic, cold and ruthless when it is needed - elements of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Antony’s ruthlessness highlighted by his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his highly perceptive nature, where he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. WARNING: You MUST attribute all techniques to Shakespeare. These last two sentences need to be reworked to focus on how Shakespeare has CRAFTED the character of Antony. As soon as you start discussing the character by themselves, you have slipped into retell. This is reminiscent of Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. Good textual link. Antony's brutality is exemplified in the execution of his nephew and 100 senators, a principle which Machiavelli held to much value; to "eliminate them or destroy them utterly" and justifying any destruction to gain power. Try not to use plot details as evidence, focus on TECHNIQUES! Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective whilst fulfilling his own political agenda, using manipulation to shift the political stance. Antony’s funeral oratory is his ultimate conquer in his pursuit for power; the repetition of “honourable men” when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines and disproves their legitimacy. Antony’s tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” allow for subliminal suggestion to the masses and cons them into believing Antony’s perspective. Again, shift the focus to Shakespeare. Further, I'm looking for what this shows the audience BEYOND the confines of this text. What does it show us about brutality in the pursuit of power? Antony gains control of the crowd, their manipulation emphasised in their monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” supporting Machiavelli’s belief the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning himself within the crowd to allow the crowd to mould to Antony’s personal bias. Antony is the ideal leader in the Machiavellian perspective, as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Antony’s brutal perspective, which aligns with that of Machiavellis, exemplifies how using deception and immoral tactics can assist in the conquest for power. This paragraph has some great techniques and analysis, but you need to take a step away from Antony and his effect on the crowd, and instead focus on how Shakespeare CREATED/FRAMED Antony in order to communicate the gullibility of audiences and the power of manipulation. Further, I don't think this analysis quite backs up your opening sentence in this paragraph, it is more a commentary on manipulation than brutality.
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. This has a little more depth than your other concepts, great! The Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order which held the Monarch’s role inviolate are represented by Shakespeare to convey the effectiveness on acting within moral boundaries. Fantastic start to the paragraph! Shakespeare, through Brutus, examines the approach to power that respects the Elizabethan values of the divinity of the monarch. Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality – his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” blinds him from the realities of the brutality of power. Again, Shakespeare's use of insistent dialogue is what is at play here! It is in this sense that Brutus Machiavelli’s textbook political failure, a Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live, the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure that Antony would not disrupt Brutus’ quest for power. Shakespeare represents Brutus as an inadequate leader; by irresponsibly letting Antony conduct his funeral speech, Brutus exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. This paragraph does not have the same level of evidence as your first two, it creates a fairly large imbalance.
The values held by society can influence how a leader can accomplish the acquisition and preservation of authority. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Shakespeare and Machiavelli deal with the importance of technicalities during the seize of power, how successful each leader is, is dependent on how they respond to the status quo of their context. A nice and succinct conclusion, I think this works well, but I'd like to see greater reference to how each was influenced by their context (the focus of the module should always be re-affirmed in the conclusion.
I think this is a great start of an essay framework here!! Some really great ideas and excellent knowledge of text are demonstrated, your Thesis is really well framed and sets up the essay nicely. Good choice of textual references and effective techniques, fantastic work there.
My first question: Is there a reason you aren't integrating? If you prefer an integrated response, it works really well in this module especially. The reason I say this is I feel like your last paragraph is lacking the same depth as the others, and since it discusses Shakespeare's text primarily, it creates an imbalance. This is very hard to address in a non-integrated response without a fourth paragraph: Any reason you have chosen this structure?
I would say you still have some "sweeping statements" in areas, first area I'd highlight is your motherhood statements. For example:
Machiavelli’s perspective on endorsing brutality in the pursuit of power is heightened by Shakespeare in Julius Caesar.
This is your opening for paragraph 2, I'd consider this a sweeping statement. It doesn't give Shakespeare much time, just says basically that he copied. I'd like to see you delve into how and why it was supported by Shakespeare, what contextual influences did he draw upon? Just to give it a little more depth.
My second recommendation would be improving your textual analysis. A few things: Remember to always focus on techniques, never use plot details as evidence. Further, always reference the composer, not the character. If you start talking about, for example, Antony's use of rhetoric technique, you have gone too text focused and need to take a step back. Finally, you need to relate your examples to the comparative study a little bit more. Instead of just saying what the technique does WITHIN the text, say what it shows the audience about the nature of power, or brutality, etc.
Basically, with this module, you need to do the usual thing: Give a technique and show how it gives greater meaning about some concept to the audience. The demands of Module A also require you to explain how this meaning is enhanced by doing this with two texts at the same time. This adds an additional layer. This additional layer you've done quite well, the texts are linked nicely throughout! You just need to do the core bits of analysis a little better to back yourself up. Technique, what does the composer want to say about power and why (context), and how does the use of the technique teach something to the audience. Rinse, repeat ;D
So you need to take this draft and:
- Add some detail/"oomph" to your conceptual statements at the start of each paragraph
- Improve the quality of your analysis, particularly in Paragraphs 2/3
- Ensure you are continually focusing on the concept you are discussing, and not going off track. Be succinct and direct.
- As you work, keep considering things like including more context, including more evidence, linking the texts more effectively, etc etc. Always room for improvement ;)
I hope this was adequately harsh ;) and I seriously hope it helps!! Feel free to yell at me for being unclear and I'll happily elaborate on my points (although I am mostly out of action for the next couple of nights, I should still be poking my head around) ;D
Post by: brontem on July 03, 2016, 11:16:29 pm
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on July 04, 2016, 01:41:34 pm
You've done a great job - this was super difficult to flaw! I've more suggested things to extend the essay, if you have the time or will to do so. You should be super proud of this.
Have you got a plan about how you will formulate your thesis? That is the next step :) Will it be on the spot in the exam? Or will you prepare several and adapt in the exam? Your thesis may be the difference between bands.
Consider weaving the adage subtly throughout further. It might jus give the essay a boost of integrity :)
Good luck! You've done an awesome job :)
Thanks a tonne and yes I plan on integrating the adage into the thesis that I make, i've made a few changes due to your feedback and I really appreciate it
Post by: likeneverbefore on July 04, 2016, 03:42:06 pm
Sorry i didnt see the 5 posts thing before! Haha i went and helped a few people in Chemistry so got my 5 posts YAY!
Thank you for taking your time to help me with my mod A essay. PLEASE BUTCHER IT! BE HARSH ;D ;D ;D
Post by: brontem on July 04, 2016, 05:08:01 pm
Please, pull it apart and be harsh again :) I appreciate the help.
Thanks :D :D
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 05, 2016, 08:21:45 pm
HI there its me again haha
Sorry i didnt see the 5 posts thing before! Haha i went and helped a few people in Chemistry so got my 5 posts YAY!
Thank you for taking your time to help me with my mod A essay. PLEASE BUTCHER IT! BE HARSH ;D ;D ;D
Hey!! Back again ;D I did another re-work of it based on the comments; I also tried my best to integrate it.
Please, pull it apart and be harsh again :) I appreciate the help.
Thanks :D :D
Hey to the both of you! I'll get to marking both of your essays tomorrow! Stay tuned :) Thanks for your patience!
Post by: likeneverbefore on July 05, 2016, 08:57:32 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 06, 2016, 08:07:19 pm
Thank you so much!!! <3 I really appreciate it! :)
Back again! Sorry about that. I'm having a few days in Melbourne and the wifi at the Hotel works for three hours at a time, and then you renew it. And my sister was all sneaky and jumped on and got the next 3 hour time slot for our room! So I used my phone to jump on and message you both but it's too hard to go through an essay on my phone. Anywaaaaay, thanks for reading my autobiography ;) Back to your work!
I'll give it my best shot! You have a very broad question to work with here! It's excellent for a preparation essay, because it gives you a lot of scope to work with, so you really consolidate knowledge from far and wide.
Here is your essay in the spoiler below, with my own comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
While Richard III and Looking for Richard are products of different contexts, their intimate links enhance our understanding of the enduring complexity of human nature. Really glad that you chose to take on something like the complexity of human nature, rather than just agreeing to the question! However, I would either add another sentence to flesh this idea out more in the next sentence, or, keep the next sentence as is, but deal more explicitly with the "complexity of the human nature."Shakespeare’s play Richard III reflects the Elizabethan belief of a divinely ordained order and its strict Christian sense of morality by condemning Richard’s pursuit of kingship while highlighting the dangerous power of deception. Al Pacino’s 1996 docudrama Looking for Richard is more sympathetic to Richard’s actions, taking a more ambiguous postmodern approach to villainy yet mirrors the play’s didacticism by portraying the destructive consequences of deceit. I think it could be made clearer that the docudrama was made with intentions of reshaping the original. Perhaps outline these intentions and motives. I'm not sure if I'm wording it correctly, but basically I think that connecting the two despite their different time periods as more than a coincidence is necessary.By studying both texts in parallel, we Perhaps you'd prefer to say "a modern audience" instead of we?recognise the continued relevance of Shakespeare’s play today and celebrate art’s enduring ability to illuminate the timeless issues at the heart of humanity.
Within a theocratic context, power is perceived as both bestowed and ultimately revoked by divine grace. If not in the first sentence, then in the second sentence, the complexity of human nature should be dealt with. Consider your essay like a cake and your thesis statement (the one about the complexity of human nature) is the flavour. But then each layer in the cake is different, like jam, sponge, cream. So even though each layer is different, you have to know it is from that same cake, which is where you link it back to the original thesis. Each paragraph starter can be seen as a chip off the block of the thesis statement. Shakespeare’s exaggerated portrayal of Richard’s diabolical “deformity” serves, not only to justify the reign of the Tudors (to suit the then-current Monarch...)but embodies his spiritual corruption and obsessive thirst for kingship. By this stage I want to see your original thesis again, the complexity of human nature. Just to give it a good link so that the marker knows you have direction. He characterises Richard as a Medieval Vice character, “determined to prove a villain”, the pun “determined” foreshadowing Richard’s defiance of God’s order that challenges the providential worldview. The dramatic irony of Richard’s aside “I do love thee... so send thy soul to heaven” conveys his abandonment of all moral values in his pursuit for power, evident in the murder of his own brother Clarence. His contempt for faith and piety is exemplified by his willingness to ironically adopt the guise of a man of religion, positioned between two priests I'd identify the scene number here. You definitely don't need to identify the scene every time you reference the text, but here is a time where the marker has to think "mm...where was that again?" because after reading hundreds of essays, they are being thrown all over the book. So identification of the scene won't hurt, or necessarily gain, but it's worth adding.. Yet when Buckingham calls the citizens to demand Richard seizes the throne, the citizens’ metaphorical “stony” silence symbolises the theocentric society’s loyal adherence to religious beliefs and ultimately condemns Richard’s power as only transitionary and fragile (A really good time to link power to the complexity of human nature!). Richmond’s closing benedictory couplet that “peace lives again…God say amen” asserts the workings of providence where Richard’s death symbolises the restoration of divine order. While Richard’s immoral rise to power induces hyperbolic “destruction, blood, and massacre”, it is ironically countered by his reduction to the bestial motif of a “hunted boar”. Shakespeare conveys that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power. Great last sentence here, really to the point, and very true. Consider the context more, throughout the paragraph but also in this last sentence. Yes Shakespeare conveys that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power, but what makes him think this way and Pacino does not? What is it about the Monarch and the demographic he presented to that required him to talk about divinity in humanity? You talk about the secular society next, so just to give that a nice foundation, we have to build the context up here.
Within a secular contemporary society, Pacino affirms Shakespeare’s perspective on the corrupting lure of power as an unavoidable aspect of human nature. Great link! The humorously sincere tone of a British man describing Shakespeare as “a great export” reveals the capitalist values of Pacino’s society underpinned by power as a human construct. Pacino’s dream to make Shakespeare more accessible to the everyman despite vox pops “it sucks” parallels Richard’s Machiavellian desire to “prove a villain”, highlighting the continued relevance of Shakespeare’s art as human behaviour has not changed. The intertextual allusion to Pacino as a colloquial “Don” contextualises his grip on power for the modern audience where his riding crop serves as a modern symbol for power and his black attire is metaphoric of Richard’s dark Machiavellian character. While Pacino asserts that Richard “has let the pursuit of power totally corrupt him,” he does not condemn Richard for his immoral deeds, rather the participle “let” suggests his villainy stems from society’s devilish judgement of his deformity, thus reshaping Richard not as an evil usurper, but as a cunning politician. Pacino revels in Richard’s intelligence, energy and success, where the abrupt cut to his exultant exclamation “Ha!” when Richard succeeds in seducing Anne creates a feeling of triumph in combination with the non-diegetic music. Hence, Richard’s plans, although still appearing as evil are reshaped so the audience, like co-conspirators, is able to admire their ingenuity This sentence is a bit all over the place. I read it each time differently because the commas made me read it differently to how I planned and then it made the verb agreement awkward. Try rewrite this sentence to something like, "Richard's plans still appear evil as they did in Shakespeare's play, so that the audience is able to admire their ingenuity.". The cross-cutting between costumed scenes, rehearsals and recurrent close ups blur Pacino’s celebrity status and Richard’s villainy together, leading to greater ambiguity in Richard’s depiction. Hence, divine retribution is replaced by a respectful “silence” where Richard’s death evokes sympathy and transforms him into a tragic hero of his own constructed existence. Something that I'm noticing in this paragraph is full of tiny quotes. Short quotes are great for embedding, which your paragraph definitely benefits from because it reads so smoothly. However, I think it could benefit from a larger quote that provides more scope. The perfect place for this in my head is towards the start of the paragraph where the intentions of Pacino are outlined. He deals with this explicitly in the text, so you'll be able to find a quote if you choose to go that way :)
Duplicity and deceit must inevitably face divine retribution within a theocentric context marked by moral absolutism. Shakespeare’s consistent iambic pentameter structurally embodies the belief that conscience and moral beliefs defined by Christian doctrines are the essence of our humanity. Great stuff! Richard’s inner moral corruption is symbolised by his hunchback appearance as he is diabolically “deformed, unfinished”, conveying that God recognises evil and physically marks those who embody it. However, his kaleidoscope of archetypal roles from the loyal “Queen’s abject” to the “lover” and to the “Christian prince” represents his ability to metaphorically “clothe [his] villainy” beneath his duplicitous facade. The contextual belief that attractive guises mask the dangerous allure of evil is evident in Richard’s passionate declaration to Lady Anne by personifying her beauty, “that did haunt me in my sleep”, undermined by the dramatic irony of his earlier assertion that he “cannot prove a lover”. Ironically, Richard becomes a victim of his own deceit where his despairing soliloquy that “if I die no soul shall pity me” encapsulates Shakespeare’s moral didacticism that deceptive individuals must inevitably face divine sanction. Hence, Richard’s death symbolises the consequences of disregarding the moral framework that underpins the pious Elizabethan society. Connect the moral framework to the human nature and to the context again :)
In contrast, Pacino’s depiction of the nature and consequences of deception is devoid of the moral certainty of Shakespeare’s era. Pacino encapsulates the post-modern idea of existence as a metaphoric “insubstantial pageant”, suggesting life as an illusionary performance that cannot provide us with the truth and moral certainty we seek. Hence, Pacino revels in Richard’s ability to construct the truth, evident in the film’s docudrama form that blurs reality and illusion through cross cuts between rehearsals, discussions and staged performances. While Pacino’s varied costuming reflects the multiplicity of Richard’s guises, the chiaroscuro lighting of Pacino’s face that symbolises the duality between Richard’s facades and his innate deceitful nature, represents his moral ambivalence towards the destructive potential of deceit. The mis en scene that places Richard alone, helpless and seemingly innocent, encapsulates contemporary society’s lack of trust in modern day politics condemning deceit as harder to expose underneath their metaphorical “canvases…complete with lies” in his morally ambiguous society. Yet, like Shakespeare, Pacino believes that deception is punished, where the close-up camera work allowing access into the internal conflict of Richard, “I am a villain. Yet I lie. I am not.” omits divine retribution and instead reveals Richard’s psychological fragmentation as the ultimate consequence. While Pacino celebrates our ability to don different masks, he exposes the destructive power of deception as rampant in both the Elizabethan and his contemporary society. I'll make a comment at the end about this :)
Changing social paradigms directly affects the way the texts are understood. Both texts exemplify the corrupting attraction of power, yet express different views on the nature of our existence. While Shakespeare teaches a strong moral lesson, Pacino intertwines a traditional play with post-modernism to effectively bridge the gap between a moral universe and an individualistic society. Pacino delights in Shakespeare’s plays, connecting us to the enduring exploration of the complexity of human behaviour.
You've got a good length conclusion here! It could benefit from tying in all your main arguments together. Tie in deceit in here somewhere :)
Within a theocratic context, power is perceived as both bestowed and ultimately revoked by divine grace. If not in the first sentence, then in the second sentence, the complexity of human nature should be dealt with. Consider your essay like a cake and your thesis statement (the one about the complexity of human nature) is the flavour. But then each layer in the cake is different, like jam, sponge, cream. So even though each layer is different, you have to know it is from that same cake, which is where you link it back to the original thesis. Each paragraph starter can be seen as a chip off the block of the thesis statement. Shakespeare’s exaggerated portrayal of Richard’s diabolical “deformity” serves, not only to justify the reign of the Tudors (to suit the then-current Monarch...)but embodies his spiritual corruption and obsessive thirst for kingship. By this stage I want to see your original thesis again, the complexity of human nature. Just to give it a good link so that the marker knows you have direction. He characterises Richard as a Medieval Vice character, “determined to prove a villain”, the pun “determined” foreshadowing Richard’s defiance of God’s order that challenges the providential worldview. The dramatic irony of Richard’s aside “I do love thee... so send thy soul to heaven” conveys his abandonment of all moral values in his pursuit for power, evident in the murder of his own brother Clarence. His contempt for faith and piety is exemplified by his willingness to ironically adopt the guise of a man of religion, positioned between two priests I'd identify the scene number here. You definitely don't need to identify the scene every time you reference the text, but here is a time where the marker has to think "mm...where was that again?" because after reading hundreds of essays, they are being thrown all over the book. So identification of the scene won't hurt, or necessarily gain, but it's worth adding.. Yet when Buckingham calls the citizens to demand Richard seizes the throne, the citizens’ metaphorical “stony” silence symbolises the theocentric society’s loyal adherence to religious beliefs and ultimately condemns Richard’s power as only transitionary and fragile (A really good time to link power to the complexity of human nature!). Richmond’s closing benedictory couplet that “peace lives again…God say amen” asserts the workings of providence where Richard’s death symbolises the restoration of divine order. While Richard’s immoral rise to power induces hyperbolic “destruction, blood, and massacre”, it is ironically countered by his reduction to the bestial motif of a “hunted boar”. Shakespeare conveys that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power. Great last sentence here, really to the point, and very true. Consider the context more, throughout the paragraph but also in this last sentence. Yes Shakespeare conveys that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power, but what makes him think this way and Pacino does not? What is it about the Monarch and the demographic he presented to that required him to talk about divinity in humanity? You talk about the secular society next, so just to give that a nice foundation, we have to build the context up here.
Within a secular contemporary society, Pacino affirms Shakespeare’s perspective on the corrupting lure of power as an unavoidable aspect of human nature. Great link! The humorously sincere tone of a British man describing Shakespeare as “a great export” reveals the capitalist values of Pacino’s society underpinned by power as a human construct. Pacino’s dream to make Shakespeare more accessible to the everyman despite vox pops “it sucks” parallels Richard’s Machiavellian desire to “prove a villain”, highlighting the continued relevance of Shakespeare’s art as human behaviour has not changed. The intertextual allusion to Pacino as a colloquial “Don” contextualises his grip on power for the modern audience where his riding crop serves as a modern symbol for power and his black attire is metaphoric of Richard’s dark Machiavellian character. While Pacino asserts that Richard “has let the pursuit of power totally corrupt him,” he does not condemn Richard for his immoral deeds, rather the participle “let” suggests his villainy stems from society’s devilish judgement of his deformity, thus reshaping Richard not as an evil usurper, but as a cunning politician. Pacino revels in Richard’s intelligence, energy and success, where the abrupt cut to his exultant exclamation “Ha!” when Richard succeeds in seducing Anne creates a feeling of triumph in combination with the non-diegetic music. Hence, Richard’s plans, although still appearing as evil are reshaped so the audience, like co-conspirators, is able to admire their ingenuity This sentence is a bit all over the place. I read it each time differently because the commas made me read it differently to how I planned and then it made the verb agreement awkward. Try rewrite this sentence to something like, "Richard's plans still appear evil as they did in Shakespeare's play, so that the audience is able to admire their ingenuity.". The cross-cutting between costumed scenes, rehearsals and recurrent close ups blur Pacino’s celebrity status and Richard’s villainy together, leading to greater ambiguity in Richard’s depiction. Hence, divine retribution is replaced by a respectful “silence” where Richard’s death evokes sympathy and transforms him into a tragic hero of his own constructed existence. Something that I'm noticing in this paragraph is full of tiny quotes. Short quotes are great for embedding, which your paragraph definitely benefits from because it reads so smoothly. However, I think it could benefit from a larger quote that provides more scope. The perfect place for this in my head is towards the start of the paragraph where the intentions of Pacino are outlined. He deals with this explicitly in the text, so you'll be able to find a quote if you choose to go that way :)
Duplicity and deceit must inevitably face divine retribution within a theocentric context marked by moral absolutism. Shakespeare’s consistent iambic pentameter structurally embodies the belief that conscience and moral beliefs defined by Christian doctrines are the essence of our humanity. Great stuff! Richard’s inner moral corruption is symbolised by his hunchback appearance as he is diabolically “deformed, unfinished”, conveying that God recognises evil and physically marks those who embody it. However, his kaleidoscope of archetypal roles from the loyal “Queen’s abject” to the “lover” and to the “Christian prince” represents his ability to metaphorically “clothe [his] villainy” beneath his duplicitous facade. The contextual belief that attractive guises mask the dangerous allure of evil is evident in Richard’s passionate declaration to Lady Anne by personifying her beauty, “that did haunt me in my sleep”, undermined by the dramatic irony of his earlier assertion that he “cannot prove a lover”. Ironically, Richard becomes a victim of his own deceit where his despairing soliloquy that “if I die no soul shall pity me” encapsulates Shakespeare’s moral didacticism that deceptive individuals must inevitably face divine sanction. Hence, Richard’s death symbolises the consequences of disregarding the moral framework that underpins the pious Elizabethan society. Connect the moral framework to the human nature and to the context again :)
In contrast, Pacino’s depiction of the nature and consequences of deception is devoid of the moral certainty of Shakespeare’s era. Pacino encapsulates the post-modern idea of existence as a metaphoric “insubstantial pageant”, suggesting life as an illusionary performance that cannot provide us with the truth and moral certainty we seek. Hence, Pacino revels in Richard’s ability to construct the truth, evident in the film’s docudrama form that blurs reality and illusion through cross cuts between rehearsals, discussions and staged performances. While Pacino’s varied costuming reflects the multiplicity of Richard’s guises, the chiaroscuro lighting of Pacino’s face that symbolises the duality between Richard’s facades and his innate deceitful nature, represents his moral ambivalence towards the destructive potential of deceit. The mis en scene that places Richard alone, helpless and seemingly innocent, encapsulates contemporary society’s lack of trust in modern day politics condemning deceit as harder to expose underneath their metaphorical “canvases…complete with lies” in his morally ambiguous society. Yet, like Shakespeare, Pacino believes that deception is punished, where the close-up camera work allowing access into the internal conflict of Richard, “I am a villain. Yet I lie. I am not.” omits divine retribution and instead reveals Richard’s psychological fragmentation as the ultimate consequence. While Pacino celebrates our ability to don different masks, he exposes the destructive power of deception as rampant in both the Elizabethan and his contemporary society. I'll make a comment at the end about this :)
Changing social paradigms directly affects the way the texts are understood. Both texts exemplify the corrupting attraction of power, yet express different views on the nature of our existence. While Shakespeare teaches a strong moral lesson, Pacino intertwines a traditional play with post-modernism to effectively bridge the gap between a moral universe and an individualistic society. Pacino delights in Shakespeare’s plays, connecting us to the enduring exploration of the complexity of human behaviour.
You've got a good length conclusion here! It could benefit from tying in all your main arguments together. Tie in deceit in here somewhere :)
Great work!
It's hard to make consistent comments throughout this essay just because your actual paragraph content and structure is generally excellent, except for one thing:
The way you weave an argument through.
So, you're ahead of a lot of people because you understanding that you can't just agree with the question, and each paragraph needs a direction. You totally get that, which is great to see!
Things you need to deal with in each paragraph:
1. The essay question (context - highly requires linking the texts. This was done at the beginning of each Pacino paragraph, but it would be great to see more references in those paragraphs to "unlike Shakespeare..." or "As an adaptation of Shakespeare's..."
2. Your own thesis: Human nature and its complexity.
3. The direction of the paragraph (eg. Power).
The tricky bit is that you can't deal with them all in isolation and you also can't deal with them all at once without some very conscious thinking and a big effort. But, you're definitely on the right track. Currently, you're topping and tailing every paragraph. The feedback from the marking centre each year has said that students do this, but it needs to be taken further. So to pull you out of how most other students will do this, you need to link throughout the paragraphs as well. Like I said, this isn't an easy job, but because you've topped and tailed each paragraph already, it's just about colouring in the lines. If you go two sentences without linking to element 1, 2 or 3, then go back and weave it in there somewhere. And, make sure that 1, 2 and 3 are all dealt with at some point in the paragraph. It is a bit of a tedious thing to do, and I'm just giving you basic instructions with the hope that you'll be able to take it further when you find your own style for doing it. I know that your work is good. You have a great understanding of the texts. I'm just not convinced with your attack on the question just yet, which is totally fixable with a little work. I hope I don't sound like I've just ripped your essay to shreds! You are fortunately at a point where you can focus on the cohesiveness of your essay, rather than building up the essay. So you're in a great spot right now! Please let me know if any of this doesn't make sense, or if you'd like to clarify, or if you have any questions.
Good luck! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 06, 2016, 08:17:14 pm
Thanks a tonne and yes I plan on integrating the adage into the thesis that I make, i've made a few changes due to your feedback and I really appreciate it
Super glad to help! Post back any time, with any questions! :) :)
Post by: likeneverbefore on July 06, 2016, 08:28:57 pm
I'll give it my best shot! You have a very broad question to work with here! It's excellent for a preparation essay, because it gives you a lot of scope to work with, so you really consolidate knowledge from far and wide.
HI ELYSE!
Hahaha thank you SO MUCH for marking my essay even though you're in melbourne ;D ;D I hope you have a great time there!
Your comments are so indepth its FANTASTIC! It gives me a direction to improve instead of me just staring at it all day ahhaha
Thank you again, saviour of our atars haha ;D
jack
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 06, 2016, 10:56:22 pm
Hey!! Back again ;D I did another re-work of it based on the comments; I also tried my best to integrate it.
Please, pull it apart and be harsh again :) I appreciate the help.
Thanks :D :D
Hey Brontem! Thanks for your patience! Thanks also for coming back for more :)
Your essay is in the spoiler here, with the comments of mine written in bold font. You know how it goes ;)
Spoiler
Societal values and contextual influences can either support or obstruct a leader’s endeavour to seize, gain and maintain power. The effectiveness of each approach to power is explored in respect to each composers’ context. The political ideologies within the process of the gaining and the maintenance/maintaining of power are explored in both Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare examine naïve political idealism juxtaposed to the darker side of human nature – that is, the need to gain power through deceit, manipulation and brutality. The essential difference in the texts, whilst exploring similar ideals, is how the composers responded to their respective contexts. Machiavelli subverts the religious and political views of Renaissance Florence, completely rejecting the highly held principle of inherent morality. Shakespeare, through demonstrating both a Machiavellian and Elizabethan perspective on the approaches to power, examines the effectiveness of a leader's pursuit for power in respect to context. The contextual influence of each composer allows for differing perspectives on the pursuit of power to be heightened when considering the values of each society. Really awesome, very rich! Can't find a fault here.
A leader who moves beyond contextual confines will have a more effective approach to gaining power, as pragmatism allows for an efficient campaign. Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; justifying using brutal or morally abhorrent means. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence; the moral dogma of the need for leaders to be virtuous is radically dismissed by Machiavelli. Machiavelli’s declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; the insistent tone in “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism. Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and lion analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies the value placed on using brutality to gain power. Likewise, I just had a bit of an eye glitch and I read that like part as "to gain likes" instead of "gain power. Likewise..." and I thought wow what on Earth is she talking about, gaining likes in Machiavelli's period haha.Shakespeare exemplifies the effectiveness of pragmatism through Antony’s cold and ruthless approaches - reminiscent of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Shakespeare crafts Antony as a Machiavellian leader through his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his highly perceptive nature, he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. This parallels with Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. I love the link here. The parallel link- yasssssss. Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective whilst fulfilling his own political agenda, using manipulation to shift the political stance. Shakespeare’s sarcastic repetition of “honourable men” in Antony’s funeral oratory when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines their legitimacy; tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” are a subliminal suggestion to the masses; highlighting the effectiveness of brutality in the pursuit of power. Shakespeare emphasises the impact of Antony’s manipulation, the crowd’s monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” support Machiavelli’s belief that the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning Antony within the crowd to represent the usefulness of manipulation. Antony is the ideal leader in the Machiavellian perspective, as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Shakespeare, through Antony’s brutal pragmatism, which aligns with the ideal Machiavellian leader, exemplifies how using deception and immoral tactics can assist in the conquest for power.
I see that what has potential to be two different paragraphs has been joined. At first, I thought "ok, cool idea!" But as I continued to read, I was looking for that moment to break, be introduced to the second text, and appreciate what it has to offer. I think that you can split this paragraph into two because in the second half of the current paragraph, you entirely infuse your Shakespeare argument with Machiavelli - that's integration! The text doesn't need to be integrated in terms of no paragraph break, it just means that your ideas need to flow from one to another. Your references to Machiavelli in the Shakespeare-prominent section are awesome!!!
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. The Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order which held the Monarch’s role inviolate are represented by Shakespeare to convey the ineffectiveness on acting within moral boundaries. Shakespeare, through the persona of/the characterBrutus, examines the approach to power that respects the Elizabethan values of the divinity of the monarch. Shakespeare uses insistent tone in scene...(comma),"let us be sacrificers, not butchers"(comma) to reveal the inefficiency of Brutus, who is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality to the audience. It is in this sense that Brutus is Machiavelli’s textbook political failure. Shakespeare’s representation of Brutus as a naive idealist is heightened in the metaphor “thy honourable metal may be wrought”; where Cassius understands that Brutus’ integrity makes him a weak political leader. Shakespeare portrays Brutus as an inadequate leader; letting Antony conduct his funeral speech despite warnings that he is a “shrewd contriver”. Similarly, Machiavelli understands that leaders who act with integrity will fail to see results. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Brutus as an irresponsible leader exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. A really good embedded quote!Machiavelli values leaders who can “foresee and forestall future problems.” unlike Shakespeare’s portrayal of Brutus, who fails to maintain power due to his erratic political agenda. A Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live; the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure Brutus’ political survival. Machiavelli advocates for such dismissal of morality in order to continue a leader’s political reign; “[a leader] is frequently obliged to act against loyalty, humanity and religion” - this is in stark contrast to Brutus’ haphazard political campaign, which was inevitably met with retribution. The consequences of acting within moral confines are illustrated by Shakespeare through Brutus’ irresponsible decisions; such irresponsibility is radically dismissed by Machiavelli, who advocates for a leader who is cunning, perceptive, and brutal.
I'm sorry my feedback is so, well, basically non-existent. This is really wonderful! I'm trying hard to fault it.
The way in which a leader accomplishes a successful quest for power is the result of how they act in respect to the moral confines of their context. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare highlight that an effective leader is one that is ruthless, and that acting with integrity will fail to achieve results. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Machiavelli’s urgency for a ruthless leader is in response to the havoc experiences in his society; Shakespeare, however,simply explores the approaches to power and their effectiveness. Shakespeare and Machiavelli deal with the importance of technicalities during the seize of power, how successful each leader is, is dependent on how they respond to the status quo of their context.
A leader who moves beyond contextual confines will have a more effective approach to gaining power, as pragmatism allows for an efficient campaign. Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; justifying using brutal or morally abhorrent means. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence; the moral dogma of the need for leaders to be virtuous is radically dismissed by Machiavelli. Machiavelli’s declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; the insistent tone in “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism. Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and lion analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies the value placed on using brutality to gain power. Likewise, I just had a bit of an eye glitch and I read that like part as "to gain likes" instead of "gain power. Likewise..." and I thought wow what on Earth is she talking about, gaining likes in Machiavelli's period haha.Shakespeare exemplifies the effectiveness of pragmatism through Antony’s cold and ruthless approaches - reminiscent of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Shakespeare crafts Antony as a Machiavellian leader through his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his highly perceptive nature, he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. This parallels with Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. I love the link here. The parallel link- yasssssss. Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective whilst fulfilling his own political agenda, using manipulation to shift the political stance. Shakespeare’s sarcastic repetition of “honourable men” in Antony’s funeral oratory when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines their legitimacy; tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” are a subliminal suggestion to the masses; highlighting the effectiveness of brutality in the pursuit of power. Shakespeare emphasises the impact of Antony’s manipulation, the crowd’s monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” support Machiavelli’s belief that the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning Antony within the crowd to represent the usefulness of manipulation. Antony is the ideal leader in the Machiavellian perspective, as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Shakespeare, through Antony’s brutal pragmatism, which aligns with the ideal Machiavellian leader, exemplifies how using deception and immoral tactics can assist in the conquest for power.
I see that what has potential to be two different paragraphs has been joined. At first, I thought "ok, cool idea!" But as I continued to read, I was looking for that moment to break, be introduced to the second text, and appreciate what it has to offer. I think that you can split this paragraph into two because in the second half of the current paragraph, you entirely infuse your Shakespeare argument with Machiavelli - that's integration! The text doesn't need to be integrated in terms of no paragraph break, it just means that your ideas need to flow from one to another. Your references to Machiavelli in the Shakespeare-prominent section are awesome!!!
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. The Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order which held the Monarch’s role inviolate are represented by Shakespeare to convey the ineffectiveness on acting within moral boundaries. Shakespeare, through the persona of/the characterBrutus, examines the approach to power that respects the Elizabethan values of the divinity of the monarch. Shakespeare uses insistent tone in scene...(comma),"let us be sacrificers, not butchers"(comma) to reveal the inefficiency of Brutus, who is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality to the audience. It is in this sense that Brutus is Machiavelli’s textbook political failure. Shakespeare’s representation of Brutus as a naive idealist is heightened in the metaphor “thy honourable metal may be wrought”; where Cassius understands that Brutus’ integrity makes him a weak political leader. Shakespeare portrays Brutus as an inadequate leader; letting Antony conduct his funeral speech despite warnings that he is a “shrewd contriver”. Similarly, Machiavelli understands that leaders who act with integrity will fail to see results. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Brutus as an irresponsible leader exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. A really good embedded quote!Machiavelli values leaders who can “foresee and forestall future problems.” unlike Shakespeare’s portrayal of Brutus, who fails to maintain power due to his erratic political agenda. A Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live; the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure Brutus’ political survival. Machiavelli advocates for such dismissal of morality in order to continue a leader’s political reign; “[a leader] is frequently obliged to act against loyalty, humanity and religion” - this is in stark contrast to Brutus’ haphazard political campaign, which was inevitably met with retribution. The consequences of acting within moral confines are illustrated by Shakespeare through Brutus’ irresponsible decisions; such irresponsibility is radically dismissed by Machiavelli, who advocates for a leader who is cunning, perceptive, and brutal.
I'm sorry my feedback is so, well, basically non-existent. This is really wonderful! I'm trying hard to fault it.
The way in which a leader accomplishes a successful quest for power is the result of how they act in respect to the moral confines of their context. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare highlight that an effective leader is one that is ruthless, and that acting with integrity will fail to achieve results. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Machiavelli’s urgency for a ruthless leader is in response to the havoc experiences in his society; Shakespeare, however,
Wow!
Your essay is very well structured and written. Every sentence is packed with knowledge and analysis, it's really dense and rich in analysis! I'm going to suggest that you split the paragraphs back into four body paragraphs. Because your analysis is so saturated with wonderful analysis, I think you can make it more digestible for a marker. Plus you have integrated Machiavelli into Shakespeare so well in the Shakespeare-focused sections, that there's no doubting your integration.
Without knowing your essay question, I kind of just assumed you were attacking the question well instead of just agreeing with it :)
I'm sorry I can't offer more, this is definitely a band 6 work (pending your essay question and how you handled it) so you should be so proud! You've got some long quotes in here, do you have plans for memorising them? :)
Post by: brontem on July 06, 2016, 11:27:36 pm
When you mean splitting it up into 4 paragraphs; should I just straight up split each paragraph on where I begin to introduce the next text (at the "Likewise..Similarly.." part?? or do I need new topic sentences??) And tie up each paragraph with a new concluding sentence where I split it - or does that take away from it being integrated (I'm very used to writing in big theme-driven slabs like that). If I split it, should I put it back up to get feedback on the change?? :D
This was just a generic essay that I plan on making adaptable (it was mostly a re-model on power/similar content). In regards to quotes - If I make the essay generic enough I memorise the whole thing (solving the quote problem)... but dropping them in/embedding them in sentences helps me remember a lot more since it just flows on nicely without a rigid quote stamped into the essay if that makes sense?? I put them in so that when I read it out loud it just comes out, making it way easier to memorise ;D
Again thank you so much for your help, I genuinely appreciate it!! Enjoy the rest of your holiday haha :D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 07, 2016, 12:36:04 am
Hey!! Thank you so much for taking the time to mark!! I appreciate it so much, and I'm glad you liked it haha ;D
When you mean splitting it up into 4 paragraphs; should I just straight up split each paragraph on where I begin to introduce the next text (at the "Likewise..Similarly.." part?? or do I need new topic sentences??) And tie up each paragraph with a new concluding sentence where I split it - or does that take away from it being integrated (I'm very used to writing in big theme-driven slabs like that). If I split it, should I put it back up to get feedback on the change?? :D
This was just a generic essay that I plan on making adaptable (it was mostly a re-model on power/similar content). In regards to quotes - If I make the essay generic enough I memorise the whole thing (solving the quote problem)... but dropping them in/embedding them in sentences helps me remember a lot more since it just flows on nicely without a rigid quote stamped into the essay if that makes sense?? I put them in so that when I read it out loud it just comes out, making it way easier to memorise ;D
Again thank you so much for your help, I genuinely appreciate it!! Enjoy the rest of your holiday haha :D
In case Elyse is taking some well deserved Melbourne time, I'll jump in here :)
On the four paragraphs, Elyse may want to clarify since I don't write essays that way personally: However, when I've seen this done it has a short topic sentence that links the new text to the previous paragraph before continuing. You are definitely smack on with those word choices. Even taking one of your words and forming something as simple as: "These themes of ______ are explored similarly in Shakespeare's text.", will do the job for you. Then immediately continue with your analysis as normal, your wording might be adjusted ever so slightly as you go to make that work in terms of flow ;D definitely re-post your essay (or even just a two paragraph sample) and Elyse or myself can quickly check that change for you ;D
Your strategy for memorisation sounds great to me! Definitely best to remember your quotes within the sentence you'll likely use them in :D Your next step here should be trying to mould this essay around a past HSC/Trial question (again, getting feedback from us or your English teacher, whichever is better...
... Us ;)
PS - I read through the latest version of your essay and it's seriously top notch. I love to see you using the feedback Elyse and I are providing to improve your work, brings a tear to me eye ;) seriously good work!
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 07, 2016, 11:24:44 am
On the four paragraphs, Elyse may want to clarify since I don't write essays that way personally: However, when I've seen this done it has a short topic sentence that links the new text to the previous paragraph before continuing. You are definitely smack on with those word choices. Even taking one of your words and forming something as simple as: "These themes of ______ are explored similarly in Shakespeare's text.", will do the job for you. Then immediately continue with your analysis as normal, your wording might be adjusted ever so slightly as you go to make that work in terms of flow ;D definitely re-post your essay (or even just a two paragraph sample) and Elyse or myself can quickly check that change for you ;D
Jamon's right! you can split them where the second text is introduced, but provide a bit of an intro into it, no more than a sentence! :) If you think it flows better to keep it long, absolutely do that! I prefer shorter paragraphs because when you actually write them, they don't take up a page+ each, whereas longer essays can. Also, writing shorter paragraphs forces you to loop your ideas together at the beginning and the end, rather than potentially losing direction within the longer text.
Again, totally up to your style. Your essay is spot on right now so I'm just suggesting potential stylistic changes that may improve the readability of your work :)
Post by: conic curve on July 07, 2016, 01:22:46 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 07, 2016, 01:33:28 pm
Just curious but how are essays marked when the moderators/markers aren't familiar with your text(s)?
We'll mark the essays as best we can, but obviously not as effective as someone familiar with the texts. We're mainly looking for style, structure, analysis and links to the question, so we can provide feedback on everything except the quality of your textual references! ;D
Post by: conic curve on July 07, 2016, 01:36:05 pm
We'll mark the essays as best we can, but obviously not as effective as someone familiar with the texts. We're mainly looking for style, structure, analysis and links to the question, so we can provide feedback on everything except the quality of your textual references! ;D
Wouldn't you have to do some research on the texts and if possible how they relate to the essay question/discovery?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 07, 2016, 01:41:25 pm
Wouldn't you have to do some research on the texts and if possible how they relate to the essay question/discovery?
Not really, Elyse and I can still see how well you are making connections to the question because if it is strong enough, we should know. The text itself is actually not as important as understanding how the themes are at play, which is your job as the writer :D
Post by: conic curve on July 07, 2016, 02:01:29 pm
Not really, Elyse and I can still see how well you are making connections to the question because if it is strong enough, we should know. The text itself is actually not as important as understanding how the themes are at play, which is your job as the writer :D
Oh okay but they usually say things like "Read your texts or else you're not going to understand what's going on in your essays"
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 07, 2016, 02:26:12 pm
Oh okay but they usually say things like "Read your texts or else you're not going to understand what's going on in your essays"
This is true! You should read your texts, and the marker will have read them too to give the best feedback, but our feedback will be almost the same level of help (if not better) ;D
Post by: conic curve on July 07, 2016, 02:33:22 pm
This is true! You should read your texts, and the marker will have read them too to give the best feedback, but our feedback will be almost the same level of help (if not better) ;D
Ok. At least I've got some sort of reassurance here
Post by: atar27 on July 08, 2016, 01:08:10 pm
Post by: brontem on July 09, 2016, 04:16:59 pm
Please, pull it apart, be harsh ;D ;D
Thanks ;D ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 10, 2016, 12:49:14 am
Hey!! This is my Mod B - its only on one poem as of now, and I want to know if I'm doing it right/it makes sense/etc etc.
Please, pull it apart, be harsh ;D ;D
Thanks ;D ;D
Hi, I wrote this Module A Essay a few months ago and i got a pretty low mark! I am not quite sure how to improve it! Could you please check it and let me know! Thank you!
Hey guys!! Elyse and I are working to make sure the FREE Lectures this week are going to be amazing (you are coming right?) ;) Elyse particularly is working hard, she's delivering 5 lectures in 3 days! Powerhouse ;D
I'm still marking, but a little more slowly than usual, so it might take a little longer than normal to get to you ;D massive apologies in advance!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 10, 2016, 11:26:21 pm
Hi, I wrote this Module A Essay a few months ago and i got a pretty low mark! I am not quite sure how to improve it! Could you please check it and let me know! Thank you!
Hey there atar27! Can definitely give you some advice on improving your essay! It is attached below with comments throughout in bold! ;D
Spoiler
Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice work as reflection of each other. How has your understanding of these reflections been enhanced by the comparative study of texts and contexts?
The comparative study of Fay Weldon’s epistolary novel, Letters to Alice: On First Reading Jane Austen, is a reflection of Jane Austen’s earliest novels, Pride and Prejudice, enriches the reader’s understanding of the effects of context through the questioning of moral values of the time. This is a very wordy first sentence that is quite hard to follow, you may wish to adjust your expression and streamline it a little! Each composers intention is to teach their readers a specific lesson pertinent to their respective contexts. Whilst Pride and Prejudice, constructed in the 1800’s, employs a narrative style and is more subtle in its approach due the contextual constraints placed on female writers. Weldon’s fragmented letter-style text, constructed in the mid 1980’s has the political freedom to be more overt in its didacticism. Despite the shift in context from the 18th and 20th century, the role of marriage and role of women remains a common connection between the two texts. Additionally, the contrasts between the two texts reshapes these values allowing the reader to understand the values presented contextually and how these are shaped overtime according to societal influences. I think this introduction is covering the right things! However, I think they are in the incorrect order. I'll chat about this below.
An examination of Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice enriches the readers understanding of the values and attitudes towards marriage during the Regency period. Nice topic sentence, very clear and very focused. Austen introduces the novel with an ironic intrusion, ‘it is the truth universally acknowledged, that a single man is in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife’. This opening sentence establishes contextual expectations of the time and fundamental social value of the Regency England. Fantastic. The societal values and expectations are made evident through Charlotte Lucas, who holds a pragmatic view on marriage, ‘Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance’, as she marries Mr Collins for financial security and social advancement. Furthermore, Mrs Bennet echoes Charlotte’s attitude towards marriage as, ‘the business of her life was to get her daughter’s married’. These few sentences have shifted to "textual retell", you are just re-telling me what happened in the text. Remember, your marker has read your text, they only want to know how techniques create meaning, no plot details necessary! The satirical comment further exemplifies the necessity for marriage and the perception of marriage for wealth and connection rather than love. Furthermore, Fay Weldon in the interview, ‘Jane Austen on the 200th Anniversary’ comments, ‘Jane Austen worked from first principles, that is what she would write a novel about that is what consumed her society’. Nice inclusion of quote! You could probably just say "Fay Weldon has stated..." Jane Austen formed her novel Pride and Prejudice of the 1800’s from fundamental aspects of her society. Hence, emphasises the context of the Regency period allowing the ideas in Fay Weldon’s text to develop enhancing the reflection on Pride and Prejudice. A solid paragraph! You've got the right idea, but I think you need to shift the focus to the composer a little bit more (again, I'll chat about this below.
Furthermore, Fay Weldon’s, Letters to Alice, through the didactic library form of an epiglottic novel, serves to encourage a heightened understanding of the values and contemporary issues of Jane Austen’s cultural context. I think you should be a little more specific in this introduction, what sorts of values? Weldon asserts that before reading Jane Austen, Alice, ‘must understand, the world in which Jane Austen was born’, to deepen the understanding of the values and the significance of the context enhancing the study of Jane Austen.Technique? Furthermore, Weldon, uses statistics and factual detail to effectively highlight the importance of marriage during the Regency era, ’the trouble was that you had to be able to afford to marry… for this great reason ..only 30% of women married’. Weldon, urges the reader not to underestimate marriage during Austen’s time contextualising societal acceptance of the values of marriage and its importance. This is good stuff, however, I'd like to see you do more to make it clear WHY this is important. What new informations/understandings do we gleam? You are hinting at things, but be more direct! A new outlook of Charlotte’s character is presented in Weldon’s text, creating a sympathetic regard to her decision to marry Mr Collins. The juxtaposition reveals the change of view on marriage due to the shift in context through the hyperbolic expression, ‘It is the stuff of our women’s magazines but it was the stuff of their life, their very existence’. This further exemplifies the contrast between the Regency period for the necessity of marriage and the ‘outmoded institution’ view on marriage in the 1980’s. Therefore, Weldon’s reflect on Pride and Prejudice can be emphasised through her new perspective on the context of pride and prejudice making them relevant to contemporary readers. But HOW was this achieved? Moreover, Fran Leibowitz further suggests the reasons for her popularity in today’s society, ‘The main reason why Jane Austen remains popular is because of the enormous extent to which is misunderstood… people seem to think Austen was later in history, she has an image of a victorian and there is a love for Victorianism… I don’t think she is popular for the right reasons’. Leibowitz proposes that the historical context thought to be Jane Austen’s time generates her popularity, changing the values and attitudes conveyed in the text. Thus, Weldon directly refers to events and characters in Pride and Prejudice to illustrate her view, reshaping our understanding of Austen.
Through Jane Austen’s context and attitudes towards roles of women, Weldon enhances the reader’s understanding of the expectations and values of the role of women explicitly highlighted in Pride and Prejudice. An ‘accomplished woman’ during the Regency Period for an upper class women was highly expected as Mr Bingley states, ‘A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages to deserve the world..’.Warning bells immediately sound for me when you say "A character said ____," this proves that you've gone into textual retell, describing characters and plot details. You must stay abstract, focus on the choices of the composer and how they reflect on the choices of the other. The repetition of the motif of what was expected from women highlights the lack of respect for educated women, due to the dominance of men throughout society. However, Austen presents the reader with an alternative approach on the role of women and their role in marriage. Thus, advocates for the independence of thought in women through Elizabeth Bennet’s character. Elizabeth challenges the societal conventions through the refusal of Mr Collins proposal, ‘I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies..who are so daring to risk their happiness…you could not make me happy…’. Technique? Through Elizabeth’s persistent tone, Austen attempts to influence societal change encouraging women not to marry for financial security. Elizabeth symbolises the emerging rebellion against the extreme expectations of women, encouraging women to be respected for their differences. How does this relate to the work of the other composer? What does the audience learn? Furthermore, Austen subtly mocks flaws within women of the upper class through their self obsessed nature. How, do you have a technique/example? Although, Austen has a subtle approach to the didacticism in her text it deepens our understanding of the significance of context and how it influenced Austen’s way of implicitly examining her values and attitude of society. Additionally, Rebecca Smith affirms the subtle nature of Jane Austen’s writing style, ‘One of the things that writers have inherited from Jane Austen was her use of the free indirect style of narration…it was Jane Austen who really pioneered it’. Therefore, Jane Austen works to be subtle in her approach due to the historical context of her time, allowing Weldon to be more overt about the aspects of Pride and Prejudice.
Whilst Pride and Prejudice is a narrative and subtle in its approach, Letters to Alice, reflects on social constraints within her society in the 1980’s. Weldon provides a holistic perspective on the role of women during the 1980’s, comparing it to the context of Pride and Prejudice. The extended metaphor of the ‘City of Invention’, reveals Weldon’s affirmations of the values presented in Pride and Prejudice. Which values? Devil is in the detail! The climax of the changing society demonstrates the impact of literature and its importance as a moral compass in society. Moreover, the feminist movement in the 20th century influenced the lowering of male dominance in society allowing women the equality of education and to express their opinions. However, through Fay Weldon’s text male figures were of dominance, hence, encouraging Alice to break away from the patriarchy societal expectations. Again, be careful of textual retell! Never focus on the characters. Weldon argues, firmly believing that independence of a women is important, ‘If you are in a Committee meeting ….or a protest meeting, speak first’. Weldon, implicitly emphasises Austen’s ideas and attitude towards society through her epistolary form of writing. Through Weldon’s epistolary form, she emphasises Austen’s ideas, reinforcing how Austen wrote ‘out of tradition, if only she broke away from it’. Fay’s didactic tone is reinforced by the absence of Alice’s responses to her letters, therefore, is represented through Fay’s reaction to Alice’s response. Thus, it can be observed Weldon’s didactic text lies through its reflection to Pride and Prejudice enhancing the comparative study of these texts.
Therefore, the contextualisation of the significance of marriage and role of women in Jane Austen’s, Pride and Prejudice and Fay Weldon’s, Letters to Alice, serves to enhance the understanding of the values attitudes conveyed in the texts. Through their texts, both authors critique and present their view that they perceive is detrimental to their society, providing the reader to a new appreciation of each context. Despite the differing contexts, the themes of marriage and role of women is evident in both their time periods allowing a new perspective of the values to be presented in Letters to Alice, explored through the changes in context and in form. Hence, the comparative study of both texts explicitly enhances the reader’s understanding of these key issues in each of their social contexts. This conclusion is nice! Succinct, it covers all the bases, packs a nice punch! ;D
The comparative study of Fay Weldon’s epistolary novel, Letters to Alice: On First Reading Jane Austen, is a reflection of Jane Austen’s earliest novels, Pride and Prejudice, enriches the reader’s understanding of the effects of context through the questioning of moral values of the time. This is a very wordy first sentence that is quite hard to follow, you may wish to adjust your expression and streamline it a little! Each composers intention is to teach their readers a specific lesson pertinent to their respective contexts. Whilst Pride and Prejudice, constructed in the 1800’s, employs a narrative style and is more subtle in its approach due the contextual constraints placed on female writers. Weldon’s fragmented letter-style text, constructed in the mid 1980’s has the political freedom to be more overt in its didacticism. Despite the shift in context from the 18th and 20th century, the role of marriage and role of women remains a common connection between the two texts. Additionally, the contrasts between the two texts reshapes these values allowing the reader to understand the values presented contextually and how these are shaped overtime according to societal influences. I think this introduction is covering the right things! However, I think they are in the incorrect order. I'll chat about this below.
An examination of Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice enriches the readers understanding of the values and attitudes towards marriage during the Regency period. Nice topic sentence, very clear and very focused. Austen introduces the novel with an ironic intrusion, ‘it is the truth universally acknowledged, that a single man is in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife’. This opening sentence establishes contextual expectations of the time and fundamental social value of the Regency England. Fantastic. The societal values and expectations are made evident through Charlotte Lucas, who holds a pragmatic view on marriage, ‘Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance’, as she marries Mr Collins for financial security and social advancement. Furthermore, Mrs Bennet echoes Charlotte’s attitude towards marriage as, ‘the business of her life was to get her daughter’s married’. These few sentences have shifted to "textual retell", you are just re-telling me what happened in the text. Remember, your marker has read your text, they only want to know how techniques create meaning, no plot details necessary! The satirical comment further exemplifies the necessity for marriage and the perception of marriage for wealth and connection rather than love. Furthermore, Fay Weldon in the interview, ‘Jane Austen on the 200th Anniversary’ comments, ‘Jane Austen worked from first principles, that is what she would write a novel about that is what consumed her society’. Nice inclusion of quote! You could probably just say "Fay Weldon has stated..." Jane Austen formed her novel Pride and Prejudice of the 1800’s from fundamental aspects of her society. Hence, emphasises the context of the Regency period allowing the ideas in Fay Weldon’s text to develop enhancing the reflection on Pride and Prejudice. A solid paragraph! You've got the right idea, but I think you need to shift the focus to the composer a little bit more (again, I'll chat about this below.
Furthermore, Fay Weldon’s, Letters to Alice, through the didactic library form of an epiglottic novel, serves to encourage a heightened understanding of the values and contemporary issues of Jane Austen’s cultural context. I think you should be a little more specific in this introduction, what sorts of values? Weldon asserts that before reading Jane Austen, Alice, ‘must understand, the world in which Jane Austen was born’, to deepen the understanding of the values and the significance of the context enhancing the study of Jane Austen.Technique? Furthermore, Weldon, uses statistics and factual detail to effectively highlight the importance of marriage during the Regency era, ’the trouble was that you had to be able to afford to marry… for this great reason ..only 30% of women married’. Weldon, urges the reader not to underestimate marriage during Austen’s time contextualising societal acceptance of the values of marriage and its importance. This is good stuff, however, I'd like to see you do more to make it clear WHY this is important. What new informations/understandings do we gleam? You are hinting at things, but be more direct! A new outlook of Charlotte’s character is presented in Weldon’s text, creating a sympathetic regard to her decision to marry Mr Collins. The juxtaposition reveals the change of view on marriage due to the shift in context through the hyperbolic expression, ‘It is the stuff of our women’s magazines but it was the stuff of their life, their very existence’. This further exemplifies the contrast between the Regency period for the necessity of marriage and the ‘outmoded institution’ view on marriage in the 1980’s. Therefore, Weldon’s reflect on Pride and Prejudice can be emphasised through her new perspective on the context of pride and prejudice making them relevant to contemporary readers. But HOW was this achieved? Moreover, Fran Leibowitz further suggests the reasons for her popularity in today’s society, ‘The main reason why Jane Austen remains popular is because of the enormous extent to which is misunderstood… people seem to think Austen was later in history, she has an image of a victorian and there is a love for Victorianism… I don’t think she is popular for the right reasons’. Leibowitz proposes that the historical context thought to be Jane Austen’s time generates her popularity, changing the values and attitudes conveyed in the text. Thus, Weldon directly refers to events and characters in Pride and Prejudice to illustrate her view, reshaping our understanding of Austen.
Through Jane Austen’s context and attitudes towards roles of women, Weldon enhances the reader’s understanding of the expectations and values of the role of women explicitly highlighted in Pride and Prejudice. An ‘accomplished woman’ during the Regency Period for an upper class women was highly expected as Mr Bingley states, ‘A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages to deserve the world..’.Warning bells immediately sound for me when you say "A character said ____," this proves that you've gone into textual retell, describing characters and plot details. You must stay abstract, focus on the choices of the composer and how they reflect on the choices of the other. The repetition of the motif of what was expected from women highlights the lack of respect for educated women, due to the dominance of men throughout society. However, Austen presents the reader with an alternative approach on the role of women and their role in marriage. Thus, advocates for the independence of thought in women through Elizabeth Bennet’s character. Elizabeth challenges the societal conventions through the refusal of Mr Collins proposal, ‘I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies..who are so daring to risk their happiness…you could not make me happy…’. Technique? Through Elizabeth’s persistent tone, Austen attempts to influence societal change encouraging women not to marry for financial security. Elizabeth symbolises the emerging rebellion against the extreme expectations of women, encouraging women to be respected for their differences. How does this relate to the work of the other composer? What does the audience learn? Furthermore, Austen subtly mocks flaws within women of the upper class through their self obsessed nature. How, do you have a technique/example? Although, Austen has a subtle approach to the didacticism in her text it deepens our understanding of the significance of context and how it influenced Austen’s way of implicitly examining her values and attitude of society. Additionally, Rebecca Smith affirms the subtle nature of Jane Austen’s writing style, ‘One of the things that writers have inherited from Jane Austen was her use of the free indirect style of narration…it was Jane Austen who really pioneered it’. Therefore, Jane Austen works to be subtle in her approach due to the historical context of her time, allowing Weldon to be more overt about the aspects of Pride and Prejudice.
Whilst Pride and Prejudice is a narrative and subtle in its approach, Letters to Alice, reflects on social constraints within her society in the 1980’s. Weldon provides a holistic perspective on the role of women during the 1980’s, comparing it to the context of Pride and Prejudice. The extended metaphor of the ‘City of Invention’, reveals Weldon’s affirmations of the values presented in Pride and Prejudice. Which values? Devil is in the detail! The climax of the changing society demonstrates the impact of literature and its importance as a moral compass in society. Moreover, the feminist movement in the 20th century influenced the lowering of male dominance in society allowing women the equality of education and to express their opinions. However, through Fay Weldon’s text male figures were of dominance, hence, encouraging Alice to break away from the patriarchy societal expectations. Again, be careful of textual retell! Never focus on the characters. Weldon argues, firmly believing that independence of a women is important, ‘If you are in a Committee meeting ….or a protest meeting, speak first’. Weldon, implicitly emphasises Austen’s ideas and attitude towards society through her epistolary form of writing. Through Weldon’s epistolary form, she emphasises Austen’s ideas, reinforcing how Austen wrote ‘out of tradition, if only she broke away from it’. Fay’s didactic tone is reinforced by the absence of Alice’s responses to her letters, therefore, is represented through Fay’s reaction to Alice’s response. Thus, it can be observed Weldon’s didactic text lies through its reflection to Pride and Prejudice enhancing the comparative study of these texts.
Therefore, the contextualisation of the significance of marriage and role of women in Jane Austen’s, Pride and Prejudice and Fay Weldon’s, Letters to Alice, serves to enhance the understanding of the values attitudes conveyed in the texts. Through their texts, both authors critique and present their view that they perceive is detrimental to their society, providing the reader to a new appreciation of each context. Despite the differing contexts, the themes of marriage and role of women is evident in both their time periods allowing a new perspective of the values to be presented in Letters to Alice, explored through the changes in context and in form. Hence, the comparative study of both texts explicitly enhances the reader’s understanding of these key issues in each of their social contexts. This conclusion is nice! Succinct, it covers all the bases, packs a nice punch! ;D
What I'll start by saying is that you definitely have fantastic ideas in this essay; some of the things you are alluding to are really quite clever!! The devil is in the detail, and it is just your execution isn't letting those ideas shine. Let me suggest a few improvements :D
Firstly, your introduction. You tick all the boxes. Introduce a concept, cover different contexts, how these contexts create differences between the text, etc, you meet every mark! It just feels a little muddled, a little out of order. Try and adjust it to suit the following order (remember, everything is there, just in the wrong order)
- Introduce marriage as a universal issue reflected upon by various composers
- Link to the question
- Introduce the texts
- Cover contexts
- Summarise
Again, you tick all these boxes already, but your concept comes in too late and your texts too early, have an experiment!
I see two main issues with your body paragraphs.
Firstly, it is answering the question. Essentially, the question wants you to discuss how the composers cover similar concepts (in your case, directly reflecting on each other), and how your understanding of the concept is enhanced! EG - What new things do we as an audience learn about the nature of marriage? At times, you aren't really doing this, and are just using techniques without really doing much with them. Ensure every quote is linked to the new understanding you are given as the reader.
PS - It is very hard to compare two texts effectively when discussing them in separate paragraphs. You do this well, but it could be better, have you considered an integrated response?
Secondly, it's quality of analysis. Basically, you are on the "textual retell" end of the scale. You are explaining (with techniques in places) the events and impacts on the characters within the text. This is great, but why does the audience care? For effective analysis, you must take yourself OUT of the text and into the composers shoes. What techniques have been used, and what new understanding do they bring? For effective analysis, go to TEA:
- Technique
- Explain what the Technique Aims to Achieve (Link to Context, potentially)
- Audiences Learn ________
Basically, you don't need any plot details, and you don't even have to mention characters. It should always be, "Austen uses ______ to achieve ______ which shows the audience _______." Rinse, repeat ;D
I hope this feedback helps a little bit! Again, your ideas are super clever, we just need to adjust how they are expressed to get them to come out properly! ;D definitely feel free to clarify any of this feedback!
Post by: HKSMASO6 on July 11, 2016, 07:59:28 pm
Thanks Very much
Post by: lowrifunnell on July 11, 2016, 08:25:51 pm
Thanks so much!! :)
Post by: brontem on July 11, 2016, 08:32:43 pm
Hi! We've got an essay coming up for Module B on T.S Eliot's, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock, we've been told that the key words will be context, enduring relevance, and personal understanding. I havent written a conclusion yet but I just wanted to see if what I've got so far is any good? I also wrote the first paragraph simply on context, form, and style, and I didn't include any quotes or techniques for that so idk if thats okay or not? I'm also slightly worried that then it will look like I only have 2 massive body paragraphs...
Thanks so much!! :)
We're doing the same task, ^^^^ forgot to include all this but ditto
Post by: atar27 on July 12, 2016, 05:28:38 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 12, 2016, 10:03:03 pm
Also, remember to read the essay marking guidelines in my signature below. You need 5 ATAR Notes posts for every essay you'd like marked, some of you will need a few more to quality!!
Post by: Justina Shehata on July 13, 2016, 12:22:56 am
Post by: Justina Shehata on July 13, 2016, 12:52:08 am
this is my hamlet essay - the question given was "explore how the play-within-a-play contributed to your personal understanding of the play as a whole?
does this answer the question?
Post by: WLalex on July 13, 2016, 11:49:25 pm
When writing thesis statements for English essays, is it recommended to use words from the question itself or key words from the rubric. Or do we define key words of the question?
Hey Justina,
Defiantly use words from the question!! That should really be the first thing you do to let the marker know you haven't just gone straight into a pre-prepared essay. So basically, keep wording very similar to the question for your first sentence and then expand on the more in the next one...introduce texts..idea...etc...
No, you do not need to define any words, the markers will know what they mean.
Hope I was of help,
Alex :)
Post by: HKSMASO6 on July 14, 2016, 12:18:05 am
When writing thesis statements for English essays, is it recommended to use words from the question itself or key words from the rubric. Or do we define key words of the question?So what i do in my essays is have a main thesis where i try to use the words from the question however if i need to use it twice i would use a synonyms so i don't sound repetitive. However in the second line i add in context and show how it is relevant with the questions tying it closely with the questions while tying to not sound repetitive. By doing this, your concluding sentence can be in more detail.
Just make sure that you relate how your text relates to the question.
Post by: liiz on July 14, 2016, 12:41:11 pm
Spoiler
Whilst control is fundamental to gaining power over individuals and groups in society, it has often been deleterious throughout history, resulting in repression and dehumanisation. Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) explore this excessive control at the extremes of autocratic and totalitarian regimes. As the film and novel elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment respectively, responders can gain a greater appreciation of how social and historical perspectives held at the time, shape and influence meaning within the didactic texts. By means of a comparative study, audiences further enrich their understanding of unrestricted control as a destructive influence on society, especially when paired with technology.
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis. Lang’s 1927 silent film draws parallels to the composer’s era following WWI, where authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Influenced by German expressionism, the art-deco set design of the upper echelons of society incorporates bright opens spaces and bold geometric shapes whilst the conditions underground are dark, bleak and overcrowded. Through this clever cinematography, Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the classes and enables audiences to visually conceptualise how the decadence of the city is built, quite literally, on inequality. Whilst such a futuristic metropolis was not seen in Germany at the time, the film sought inspiration from the vast physical dimensions of expanding western cities, such as New York. To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation and power at the expense of others. This is evinced by the worker’s exhausted bodies trudging in stylised and synchronised columns to repetitious non-diegetic music. Furthermore, the biblical iconography of the “Tower of Babel” is used to establish Fredersen’s omnipotent status and subsequently aid in Lang’s criticism of capitalist values. The intertitle of “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation, and enables audiences to identify man’s hubris at the forefront of an autocratic leadership. Whilst the struggle between the classes is made apparent, Metropolis depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of the “hands that build” and “minds that plan.” As Freder eventually becomes the mediator, the film’s optimistic ending reflects the ideology of mutual cooperation that was beginning to take shape in Europe. Hence, Lang gives an insight into the changing values of his society as the imperial government was replaced by a form of representative democracy (Weimar Republic). This offers audiences a sense of hope in the struggle against power imbalances as oppressed individuals actively attain some control over their lives. Thus, Metropolis provides a strong case for how context can influence meaning and deepen audience's understanding of control.
Similarly, Orwell’s 1949 prose novel, enriches audiences understanding of how control can impact negatively on society. However, 1984 does not provide any effective redress to the rigid society as Lang’s film, produced 20 years prior, does. Following the fascist and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell captures a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any freedom of thought. As a result, readers are confronted by the authoritarian regimes and their ability to weaken the strength and independence of individual’s minds. Orwell’s use of chiasmus in “who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” cements the image, as reflected in Metropolis, of a domineering and powerful world. Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were their slaves” warns how the excessive use of control contributes to the repression and subjugation of the masses. As Orwell reflects upon the happenings of WWII, he highlights how the fear within individuals and “herd mentality” was often too strong to question the imbalances of power and control. This is communicated through the imperative and emphatic language of the propaganda in 1984 - “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” - which no individual dares to refute, despite being blatantly oxymoronic to readers. This representation can be accounted for by Orwell’s observation of propaganda in mass media as well as the corruption of language for political power during his time. Furthermore, “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic” vividly describes the unavoidable nature of indoctrination by the stronger powers, reminiscent of the events of WWII. and reinforces the oppression of individuals. With a climate of fear in London and states run by totalitarian dictators prevalent during Orwell’s era, 1984 mirrors an oppressive regime as inherently dangerous for societal relations and individuals as leaders employ absolute and incessant power. Therefore, both 1984 and Metropolis, despite different contextual foundations, have enriched responder’s understanding of excessive control to be a detrimental influence on society, dividing the hegemonic forces and repressed.
Such ramifications of injurious control are only seen to be exacerbated through technology, as explored in Metropolis. Whilst the technological advances represent 20th century achievements, Lang illustrates his deeper concern for humanity. A low angle shot makes viewers feel intimidated by the monstrous Moloch machine. The ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape with the assistance of increasingly dramatic music. As workers are devoured to appease the autocratic leadership, the confronting scene evokes an emotional response from audiences. Lang communicates the merging of the pagan past with a capitalist present as the masses are still exploited to meet the needs of the powerful elite and fuel the industrial progress. The workers become dehumanised and degraded as their movements within a mid shot continue to be as robotic as the machines they tend, blurring the line between man and machine for audiences. Hence, the repressive nature of control and its ability to eradicate individualism through technology is conveyed. Additionally, as Lang dramatises the Marxist struggle of the underclass, the dangers of technology become a contextual trigger for moral degradation and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, symbolises how the authority of man and “workers of the future” may be usurped by machines. The montage of amourous hands and eyes of men as they observe her dance sequences convey society’s desire for such technology, and its ability to corrupt individuals by controlling their actions. When Cyborg Maria incites a chaotic revolt amongst the suppressed workers, wide angle shots capture the destruction to the city and effectively communicate the potentially ruinous force of technology. As such, Lang’s contextual perspective on rebellion and lack of individual power as a result of technology in Metropolis have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of control.
Comparably, Orwell develops readers understanding of control to have a dehumanising effect when exercised through technology in 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police, enabling responders to feel empathy for the subjugated and repressed masses. Orwell’s fear for technology, prompted by his era, was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. This is communicated through the emphatic and direct language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead.” Similarly to Metropolis, the controlling nature of technology acts as a catalyst for Winston’s rebellion. However, it is quickly undermined through torture and the Party’s “victory” over the protagonist is confirmed as “he loved Big Brother.” As Winston repeats “2+2=5”, audiences understand that he has lost touch with the reality he once defended, revealing the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and implicit ways control can be employed through technology in 1984, resulting in the dehumanisation of man, as similarly explored by Metropolis.
Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are derived from the societies of their time through contextual perspectives. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, repressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of control, and it’s employment through technology, to be a powerful and often damaging influence on both social relations and the nature of humanity.
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis. Lang’s 1927 silent film draws parallels to the composer’s era following WWI, where authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Influenced by German expressionism, the art-deco set design of the upper echelons of society incorporates bright opens spaces and bold geometric shapes whilst the conditions underground are dark, bleak and overcrowded. Through this clever cinematography, Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the classes and enables audiences to visually conceptualise how the decadence of the city is built, quite literally, on inequality. Whilst such a futuristic metropolis was not seen in Germany at the time, the film sought inspiration from the vast physical dimensions of expanding western cities, such as New York. To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation and power at the expense of others. This is evinced by the worker’s exhausted bodies trudging in stylised and synchronised columns to repetitious non-diegetic music. Furthermore, the biblical iconography of the “Tower of Babel” is used to establish Fredersen’s omnipotent status and subsequently aid in Lang’s criticism of capitalist values. The intertitle of “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation, and enables audiences to identify man’s hubris at the forefront of an autocratic leadership. Whilst the struggle between the classes is made apparent, Metropolis depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of the “hands that build” and “minds that plan.” As Freder eventually becomes the mediator, the film’s optimistic ending reflects the ideology of mutual cooperation that was beginning to take shape in Europe. Hence, Lang gives an insight into the changing values of his society as the imperial government was replaced by a form of representative democracy (Weimar Republic). This offers audiences a sense of hope in the struggle against power imbalances as oppressed individuals actively attain some control over their lives. Thus, Metropolis provides a strong case for how context can influence meaning and deepen audience's understanding of control.
Similarly, Orwell’s 1949 prose novel, enriches audiences understanding of how control can impact negatively on society. However, 1984 does not provide any effective redress to the rigid society as Lang’s film, produced 20 years prior, does. Following the fascist and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell captures a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any freedom of thought. As a result, readers are confronted by the authoritarian regimes and their ability to weaken the strength and independence of individual’s minds. Orwell’s use of chiasmus in “who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” cements the image, as reflected in Metropolis, of a domineering and powerful world. Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were their slaves” warns how the excessive use of control contributes to the repression and subjugation of the masses. As Orwell reflects upon the happenings of WWII, he highlights how the fear within individuals and “herd mentality” was often too strong to question the imbalances of power and control. This is communicated through the imperative and emphatic language of the propaganda in 1984 - “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” - which no individual dares to refute, despite being blatantly oxymoronic to readers. This representation can be accounted for by Orwell’s observation of propaganda in mass media as well as the corruption of language for political power during his time. Furthermore, “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic” vividly describes the unavoidable nature of indoctrination by the stronger powers, reminiscent of the events of WWII. and reinforces the oppression of individuals. With a climate of fear in London and states run by totalitarian dictators prevalent during Orwell’s era, 1984 mirrors an oppressive regime as inherently dangerous for societal relations and individuals as leaders employ absolute and incessant power. Therefore, both 1984 and Metropolis, despite different contextual foundations, have enriched responder’s understanding of excessive control to be a detrimental influence on society, dividing the hegemonic forces and repressed.
Such ramifications of injurious control are only seen to be exacerbated through technology, as explored in Metropolis. Whilst the technological advances represent 20th century achievements, Lang illustrates his deeper concern for humanity. A low angle shot makes viewers feel intimidated by the monstrous Moloch machine. The ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape with the assistance of increasingly dramatic music. As workers are devoured to appease the autocratic leadership, the confronting scene evokes an emotional response from audiences. Lang communicates the merging of the pagan past with a capitalist present as the masses are still exploited to meet the needs of the powerful elite and fuel the industrial progress. The workers become dehumanised and degraded as their movements within a mid shot continue to be as robotic as the machines they tend, blurring the line between man and machine for audiences. Hence, the repressive nature of control and its ability to eradicate individualism through technology is conveyed. Additionally, as Lang dramatises the Marxist struggle of the underclass, the dangers of technology become a contextual trigger for moral degradation and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, symbolises how the authority of man and “workers of the future” may be usurped by machines. The montage of amourous hands and eyes of men as they observe her dance sequences convey society’s desire for such technology, and its ability to corrupt individuals by controlling their actions. When Cyborg Maria incites a chaotic revolt amongst the suppressed workers, wide angle shots capture the destruction to the city and effectively communicate the potentially ruinous force of technology. As such, Lang’s contextual perspective on rebellion and lack of individual power as a result of technology in Metropolis have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of control.
Comparably, Orwell develops readers understanding of control to have a dehumanising effect when exercised through technology in 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police, enabling responders to feel empathy for the subjugated and repressed masses. Orwell’s fear for technology, prompted by his era, was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. This is communicated through the emphatic and direct language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead.” Similarly to Metropolis, the controlling nature of technology acts as a catalyst for Winston’s rebellion. However, it is quickly undermined through torture and the Party’s “victory” over the protagonist is confirmed as “he loved Big Brother.” As Winston repeats “2+2=5”, audiences understand that he has lost touch with the reality he once defended, revealing the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and implicit ways control can be employed through technology in 1984, resulting in the dehumanisation of man, as similarly explored by Metropolis.
Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are derived from the societies of their time through contextual perspectives. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, repressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of control, and it’s employment through technology, to be a powerful and often damaging influence on both social relations and the nature of humanity.
Post by: ehatton2016 on July 14, 2016, 12:43:32 pm
P.s. The Texts i used are De Botton's, The Art of Travel and the painting, "Lady of Shalott".
THANK YOU!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 14, 2016, 01:07:27 pm
So, marking is resuming, and we aim to be caught up as quickly as possible. Here is status report! These are the users who have met the essay marking posting criteria and are on our marking list (I'm using this as a list, once you're marked, I'll remove you from this list!)
HSKMASO6: You've accrued 5 posts and so I will mark your Module A!
Hello i have attached my Mod A (Metropolis & 1984) and my mod b (Hamlet)
Thanks Very much
Post by: studybuddy7777 on July 14, 2016, 02:13:06 pm
Thanks and enjoy :D
QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.
Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime. In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." His conclusion is a very significant one and a perfect example of how beautiful nature can be as well as the power of landscapes to change a mindset. De Botton concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death"
Some points to consider:
Module C: Representing and Text
Elective 2: People and Landscapes
This is approximately 2 minutes out of a 4-5 minute speech
Palm cards are acceptable
Due: Tuesday 23/8/16
Draft Due: 22/7/16
Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 14, 2016, 04:12:47 pm
Hey!! This is my Mod B - its only on one poem as of now, and I want to know if I'm doing it right/it makes sense/etc etc.
Please, pull it apart, be harsh ;D ;D
Thanks ;D ;D
Hey Bronte! Sorry this took way too long to mark, but here you go! Comments throughout as usual, you know the drill ;)
Spoiler
A rapidly changing external environment can lead an individual to deep introspection; it is in this sense where audiences can personally connect to a composition due to the universality of the composer’s thought. Another super clever Thesis! However, I'm not quite clicking with the connection between the first half of the sentence and the other. Is it the characters experiencing the changing environment or the composer, who then reflects on this in the text? TS Eliot looked increasingly inward to portray his innermost feelings, “The Love song of J Alfred Prufrock” is considered a personal response to the collapse of Romanticism and an increasingly industrialised world. The first part of that sentence might be unnecessary? Eliot’s free verse stream of consciousness leaves an enduring impression on audiences, due to the universal struggle of inner turmoil which is inherent to humanity. Great start to an intro, be sure to expand it a little more as you add more poems!
The lasting impression which Eliot’s poetry leaves on audiences, irrespective of context, is how Eliot, through the persona of Prufrock, deeply connects with common aspects of human nature. Perfect! The Love Song is an uncensored inner monologue with an overwhelming sense of inertia; the image of “a patient etherised upon a table” represents of Prufrock’s tumultuous anguish and pained sense of failure. Eliot’s drawn out repetition of “there will be time” is symbolic of Prufrock’s own indecisiveness – as he, much like many others caught amongst existential uncertainty, fails to make purposeful action in life. The weary tone continued through the poem, accommodated due to its free verse structure, allows audiences to connect with Eliot’s exploration of an individual’s sense of self. Great connection to audience there! Fantastic, succinct expression too, super powerful. Eliot deliberately manipulates the poem as a stream of consciousness by using rhetorical questions “Do I dare?” representing the anxiety and uncertainty previously untouched by Romantic literature. Far out, absolutely superb. Eliot’s poetry has a lasting impression on audience which endures to the modern world, as an exploration of universal human traits gives The Love Song continuing relevance to all audiences. Not much to suggest here at all, perhaps the slightest more tendency towards the "continuing relevance to all audiences" aspect throughout your analysis, but even that is done fairly well already. Absolutely brilliant.
The rise of Modernism in the 20th century saw the idealism of the Romantic period being replaced by a rawer and more realistic view of life where uncertainty and disillusionment infiltrated the new world order. Eliot utilised this vacuumed sense of doubt, mirroring Freud’s exploration of the divided self “let us go then, you and I”. Fantastic. Eliot uses the ambiguity of human thought to represent the turmoil of his context “…women come and go, talking of Michelangelo” as a continuous motif with a childish rhythm which comments on the mundane vacuousness of society. The allusion to Michelangelo, a great, passionate artist is a stark juxtaposition between the bland realities of life to its potential; one filled with passion and energy. Prufrocks languid inertia “To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet” represents the meaningless social conventions which shape an individual’s shifting façade, and personality is lost. More fantastic commentary and analysis, very very clever. Eliot illustrates the reality of social existence with the metonym of “toast and tea”, reflecting the claustrophobic rituals of upper-middle class society that Prufrock has become trapped by. Remember to make sure that you always stick with wider representational consequence, like, don't just say it represents something relevant to the characters, say things that are represented as relevant to the audience. Modernism’s realistic collage of life is represented by Eliot; repetition of “Do I dare? Do I dare?” is a comment on the intense scrutiny from society which causes Prufrocks self-depreciation. Eliot sought to expose greater psychological realism to his audience; achieved through the metaphor “measured my life with coffee spoons” – Prufrock has allocated so little to himself due his insecurities, and consequently lives passively. Eliot explicitly comments on the trivial existence of society in the 20thC; his Modernistic realism challenged the idealism of the romantic period by delving deeper into the truths of humanity. Ever so slightly too much focus on the character of Prufrock in this paragraph, and not enough wider analysis to link the audience. However, still another BRILLIANT paragraph.
Eliot’s stylistic choices made The Love Song not only relevant to his context, but his social commentary has endured over a century to resonate with a modern day audience. The reductive imagery of physical components “voices..eyes..arms..head” throughout the poem is symbolic of Eliots view of his society as one that lacks conformity and sense of self. Eliot maintains a strong connection with audiences with the overriding, yet fluctuating emotional tempo throughout the poem, representing an individuals disjointed consciousness. Great stuff. Emotional intensity is heightened with questioning “Do I dare disturb the universe?” such tempo is then dropped with heavy use of assonance “I have known them all already.. evenings, mornings, afternoons”. Eliot connects deeply with audiences both past and present – despite continuing contextual changes, by including the inherent nature of an individual’s conscious thought, The Love Song endures as universally engaging poem. I feel like THAT sentence should go near the start of the paragraph, it is very Thesis like, and then you can use the idea of conscious thought throughout the paragraph to drive your argument. The Love Song presents sordid, yet realistic images to the audience; “butt-ends of my days” metaphorically portrays man’s lowly existence; Eliot’s use of metonym “Lonely men in shirts sleeves” representing the displacement due to rapid urbanisation and industrialisation which began in the 20th century. The scrutiny which individuals face is consistently illustrated by Eliot; “asserted by a simple pin” represents the constriction of society’s standards, later heightened when Prufrock is “pinned against the wall”. Eliot, by maintaining strong textual integrity with the consistency of the images portrayed, allows the love song to have relevance with audiences within the Modernism era, but resonating with modern audiences also. Another great paragraph there, some fantastic ideas, very very well argued.
The lasting impression which Eliot’s poetry leaves on audiences, irrespective of context, is how Eliot, through the persona of Prufrock, deeply connects with common aspects of human nature. Perfect! The Love Song is an uncensored inner monologue with an overwhelming sense of inertia; the image of “a patient etherised upon a table” represents of Prufrock’s tumultuous anguish and pained sense of failure. Eliot’s drawn out repetition of “there will be time” is symbolic of Prufrock’s own indecisiveness – as he, much like many others caught amongst existential uncertainty, fails to make purposeful action in life. The weary tone continued through the poem, accommodated due to its free verse structure, allows audiences to connect with Eliot’s exploration of an individual’s sense of self. Great connection to audience there! Fantastic, succinct expression too, super powerful. Eliot deliberately manipulates the poem as a stream of consciousness by using rhetorical questions “Do I dare?” representing the anxiety and uncertainty previously untouched by Romantic literature. Far out, absolutely superb. Eliot’s poetry has a lasting impression on audience which endures to the modern world, as an exploration of universal human traits gives The Love Song continuing relevance to all audiences. Not much to suggest here at all, perhaps the slightest more tendency towards the "continuing relevance to all audiences" aspect throughout your analysis, but even that is done fairly well already. Absolutely brilliant.
The rise of Modernism in the 20th century saw the idealism of the Romantic period being replaced by a rawer and more realistic view of life where uncertainty and disillusionment infiltrated the new world order. Eliot utilised this vacuumed sense of doubt, mirroring Freud’s exploration of the divided self “let us go then, you and I”. Fantastic. Eliot uses the ambiguity of human thought to represent the turmoil of his context “…women come and go, talking of Michelangelo” as a continuous motif with a childish rhythm which comments on the mundane vacuousness of society. The allusion to Michelangelo, a great, passionate artist is a stark juxtaposition between the bland realities of life to its potential; one filled with passion and energy. Prufrocks languid inertia “To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet” represents the meaningless social conventions which shape an individual’s shifting façade, and personality is lost. More fantastic commentary and analysis, very very clever. Eliot illustrates the reality of social existence with the metonym of “toast and tea”, reflecting the claustrophobic rituals of upper-middle class society that Prufrock has become trapped by. Remember to make sure that you always stick with wider representational consequence, like, don't just say it represents something relevant to the characters, say things that are represented as relevant to the audience. Modernism’s realistic collage of life is represented by Eliot; repetition of “Do I dare? Do I dare?” is a comment on the intense scrutiny from society which causes Prufrocks self-depreciation. Eliot sought to expose greater psychological realism to his audience; achieved through the metaphor “measured my life with coffee spoons” – Prufrock has allocated so little to himself due his insecurities, and consequently lives passively. Eliot explicitly comments on the trivial existence of society in the 20thC; his Modernistic realism challenged the idealism of the romantic period by delving deeper into the truths of humanity. Ever so slightly too much focus on the character of Prufrock in this paragraph, and not enough wider analysis to link the audience. However, still another BRILLIANT paragraph.
Eliot’s stylistic choices made The Love Song not only relevant to his context, but his social commentary has endured over a century to resonate with a modern day audience. The reductive imagery of physical components “voices..eyes..arms..head” throughout the poem is symbolic of Eliots view of his society as one that lacks conformity and sense of self. Eliot maintains a strong connection with audiences with the overriding, yet fluctuating emotional tempo throughout the poem, representing an individuals disjointed consciousness. Great stuff. Emotional intensity is heightened with questioning “Do I dare disturb the universe?” such tempo is then dropped with heavy use of assonance “I have known them all already.. evenings, mornings, afternoons”. Eliot connects deeply with audiences both past and present – despite continuing contextual changes, by including the inherent nature of an individual’s conscious thought, The Love Song endures as universally engaging poem. I feel like THAT sentence should go near the start of the paragraph, it is very Thesis like, and then you can use the idea of conscious thought throughout the paragraph to drive your argument. The Love Song presents sordid, yet realistic images to the audience; “butt-ends of my days” metaphorically portrays man’s lowly existence; Eliot’s use of metonym “Lonely men in shirts sleeves” representing the displacement due to rapid urbanisation and industrialisation which began in the 20th century. The scrutiny which individuals face is consistently illustrated by Eliot; “asserted by a simple pin” represents the constriction of society’s standards, later heightened when Prufrock is “pinned against the wall”. Eliot, by maintaining strong textual integrity with the consistency of the images portrayed, allows the love song to have relevance with audiences within the Modernism era, but resonating with modern audiences also. Another great paragraph there, some fantastic ideas, very very well argued.
Wow, definitely not much I can say about that essay, absolutely spectacular!!
You are definitely on the right track with your ideas and how they are structured. Your analysis is on point; the second paragraph does slip a little bit too much into textual retell, just focusing on the characters too much, but on the whole absolutely fantastic. Your ideas are super super clever and work well within the requirements of the module too. Very very hard to fault! ;D
As you add more poems, be sure to ensure that your analysis is balanced between them, and this may require some more succinct expression/selective textual referencing to fit everything in. That said, as it stands, this is an awesome essay, I'm excited to see it grow as you add more stuff ;D
Post by: brontem on July 14, 2016, 04:33:22 pm
I'll take out some of the re-tell bits and swap that sentence around (there was also no conclusion but idk if that needs to be marked)
Hey Bronte! Sorry this took way too long to mark, but here you go! Comments throughout as usual, you know the drill ;)Also I now seem to be on a first name basis with people hahah :P :P
Thank you again!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 14, 2016, 04:39:55 pm
Thank you so much!! Such a relief that its on the right track hahah :D
I'll take out some of the re-tell bits and swap that sentence around (there was also no conclusion but idk if that needs to be marked)
I just assumed you had left it out on purpose aha, you'll need one in the final version of course ;)
Also I now seem to be on a first name basis with people hahah :P :P
Thank you again!! ;D
Aha definitely!! Well I've always known you (well like, always meaning this year, lol)! I normally default to username for privacy reasons, but given that your username is brontem, I've realised that I don't think it matters too much (if that is okay with you of course) ;)
Post by: brontem on July 14, 2016, 04:50:27 pm
Post by: lha on July 14, 2016, 05:42:17 pm
This is my Mod A essay for Tirra Lirra by the River and Tennysons Poetry. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible. It is attached to this message. Also, I was just wondering if there was an AOS thread as well?
Thank you!
Post by: HKSMASO6 on July 14, 2016, 05:45:57 pm
Also, I was just wondering if there was an AOS thread as well?
Heres the link to the AOS marking : Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
Post by: lha on July 14, 2016, 05:49:04 pm
This is my Mod B essay for Hamlet. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible.
Thank you!
Post by: lha on July 14, 2016, 05:52:29 pm
Heres the link to the AOS marking : Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
Thank you!
Post by: skysailingaway on July 14, 2016, 07:50:44 pm
this is my mod C essay
what should i improve on in terms of my introduction and paragraphs?
how can the analysis be improved?
all in all, I'm really clueless in english atm - how do I make this a band 6 response?
(please mark it as harsh as possible - totally roast it)
~I've attached the document
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 15, 2016, 01:18:02 am
Hi! We've got an essay coming up for Module B on T.S Eliot's, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock, we've been told that the key words will be context, enduring relevance, and personal understanding. I havent written a conclusion yet but I just wanted to see if what I've got so far is any good? I also wrote the first paragraph simply on context, form, and style, and I didn't include any quotes or techniques for that so idk if thats okay or not? I'm also slightly worried that then it will look like I only have 2 massive body paragraphs...
Thanks so much!! :)
Hey there!! Absolutely happy to give a look to your essay, comments throughout in bold and I'll chat a bit at the end ;D
Spoiler
How does T.S. Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrate an enduring relevance that surpasses his context. Demonstrate your informed personal understanding.
Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock exhibits a reflection of the context of his time, one that has enduring relevance today. Eliot uses this poem to comment on the fragmented psyche of the typical modern person. He explores the darker side of human nature rather than naïve idealism of being, the Freudian idea of a divided self, and the impact of self-deprecation on individuals. A nice intro, but a little on the short side. Try expanding it by adding something a little more conceptual at the beginning, a conceptual Thesis. I'd also add one more sentence at the end saying something like: "The exploration of these themes demonstrates an enduring relevance that surpasses...", to link to the question one last time.
Eliot’s compositions reflect his perception of his modernist 20th century context, and how it has affected individuals. Modernism aimed to move away from romanticism, and presented a rawer, more realistic view of life where uncertainty, isolation, and disillusionment were part of the new world. The rapid increase in urbanisation and industrialisation led to a loss of connection with the community that has enduring relevance today, whilst the horrors and carnage of WWI led to an overarching sense of pessimism. Eliot utilises the form of a dramatic monologue, which allows him to display the sense of isolation and disjointed, fluctuating nature of the internal mind. There is no overarching verse form, only a loose collection of rhyme, imagery, and repetition, providing strong textual integrity whilst marking a distinct break from Romantic poetry. The momentum and emotional tempo fluctuates between languid inertia and self-conscious, tumultuous anguish, and pained awareness of failure. It has a languid rhythm, open to variation, including hesitancy and occasionally abruptness, further contributing to the Modernist style of the poem. So personally, I don't think this is the way to go with the separate paragraph on context, style etc, I would be blending this information throughout your regular paragraphs!
Eliot’s poem is filled with an overriding sense of futility and inadequacy that governs Prufrock, and is reflective of the typical Modernist man of Eliot’s context. Try to start with a more conceptual statement. Like, "The theme of ______ is continuously relevant to different audiences because ________. Indeed, Elliot's expression... etc., just something to lead you in. Eliot uses the image “a patient etherized upon a table” to suggest Prufrock’s complacency and impotence, setting up the sense of inertia and establishing the suffocating lethargy that dominates this poem. The abrupt departure from a regular rhyme scheme and macabre imagery suggests a break with the Romantic tradition. Nice! Likewise, the childish rhyme “the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo” mimics the mundane, futile nature of social interactions of the context that Prufrock finds so debilitating. I love the links to context you are making in this paragraph, but try to extend it beyond the character of Prufrock. It's not really important about the effects/conseuences for Prufrock, what about what we as the modern audience learns? This is juxtaposed with the sophisticated image of Michelangelo, symbolic of the influential, desirable man that Prufrock cannot be. Similarly, Prufrock likens himself to a bottom-dwelling crab “ragged claws, floors of silent seas”. Remember, Prufrock does nothing, that character is a puppet for the composer! Composer gets all due credit. Crabs scuttle horizontally and never forward, much as Prufrock moves horizontally in thought but never forward in his actions. The image also conveys Prufrock’s feeling of isolation and futility, and has enduring relevance to our current context, where individuals continuously suppress their emotions and isolate their true personalities. Any elements of the modern context that create this effect (Pokemon Go? ;)) In addition, Prufrock’s social ineptitude is reflected in “to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet”. The spurning mellifluous long vowel sounds adds to the low emotional intensity, contributing to bleak, brutal imagery of futility and banality. This demonstrates the loss of individuality, and society’s demand for conformity. There is a lost sense of genuine self, instead there is a shifting façade dictated by meaningless social conventions. We all metaphorically wear masks that make us socially acceptable at the expense of our personal identities. Little too long without a technique there. Similarly, the parenthetical line “With a bald spot in the middle of my hair” further demonstrates Prufrock’s lack of self-confidence. It begins Prufrock’s preoccupation with what others think of him. He is typified by this. It mitigates the enjoyment he can glean from life. Likewise, Prufrock likens himself to a specimen insect “when I am pinned and wriggling on the wall”. He feels trapped and confined, constantly inspected and analysed by society, an idea still relevant today. He is clearly expressing desperation, helplessness and paralysis in navigating social constructs. Remember to add a conclusion to each paragraph. "Thus, it is clear that _______." Something simple that ties back to the topic of that paragraph.
Eliot draws upon the Freudian aspects of his context and explores the idea of a divided self, reflecting the ambiguity and confusion of human thought and action. This is more like what I wanted to see in the first paragraph! Add a link to how this makes it relevant to the modern audience and you have a winner. He introduces this idea of ambiguity of thought in the first line, “you and I”. Technique? Eliot is referring to Prufrock and the side of Prufrock’s psyche with which he’s engaged in an endless debate, and inviting us on the journey throughout his mind. Be careful not to use plot details to make your points: The focus should always be techniques! Additionally, Eliot uses a simile, “streets that follow like a tedious argument”, comparing the tedious argument Prufrock is having with himself to long and tedious streets. This continues his metaphor of a personal journey through his mind, reflecting the meandering and convoluted nature of his internal argument. Likewise, the lyrical repetition of “there will be time” is emblematic of the speaker’s indecision, caused by the uncertain, hesitant nature of Prufrock’s mind, and emphasises the endless weariness of time that has no purpose, as Prufrock’s life does. Again, focusing a tad too much on Prufrock I believe, remember to extend the idea to wider audiences (us, as responders) frequently! What do we learn? Why is it relevant to us? This idea surpasses Eliot’s context and continues to have enduring relevance with contemporary individuals who fear inadequacy, and as such fail to be decisive for fear of being insufficient for society’s expectations. Similarly, the use of voiceless alveolar stops “to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?” represents his life as a stale, discarded, waste product. This fragmented, sordid image represents his sense of inadequacy, and the disjointed, confused nature of his thinking. In addition, the idea of a divided external and internal persona is represented through the powerful conclusion, “till human voices wake us, and we drown”. Eliot is demonstrating that once we realise that the idealistic views of Romanticism are unattainable, and that our external identities constantly judged by a superficial, pretentious society and always found to be insufficient, your inner persona recognises life as meaningless and empty. Sadly, this bleak epiphany still resonates with many in today’s context. Another fantastic paragraph!!
Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock exhibits a reflection of the context of his time, one that has enduring relevance today. Eliot uses this poem to comment on the fragmented psyche of the typical modern person. He explores the darker side of human nature rather than naïve idealism of being, the Freudian idea of a divided self, and the impact of self-deprecation on individuals. A nice intro, but a little on the short side. Try expanding it by adding something a little more conceptual at the beginning, a conceptual Thesis. I'd also add one more sentence at the end saying something like: "The exploration of these themes demonstrates an enduring relevance that surpasses...", to link to the question one last time.
Eliot’s compositions reflect his perception of his modernist 20th century context, and how it has affected individuals. Modernism aimed to move away from romanticism, and presented a rawer, more realistic view of life where uncertainty, isolation, and disillusionment were part of the new world. The rapid increase in urbanisation and industrialisation led to a loss of connection with the community that has enduring relevance today, whilst the horrors and carnage of WWI led to an overarching sense of pessimism. Eliot utilises the form of a dramatic monologue, which allows him to display the sense of isolation and disjointed, fluctuating nature of the internal mind. There is no overarching verse form, only a loose collection of rhyme, imagery, and repetition, providing strong textual integrity whilst marking a distinct break from Romantic poetry. The momentum and emotional tempo fluctuates between languid inertia and self-conscious, tumultuous anguish, and pained awareness of failure. It has a languid rhythm, open to variation, including hesitancy and occasionally abruptness, further contributing to the Modernist style of the poem. So personally, I don't think this is the way to go with the separate paragraph on context, style etc, I would be blending this information throughout your regular paragraphs!
Eliot’s poem is filled with an overriding sense of futility and inadequacy that governs Prufrock, and is reflective of the typical Modernist man of Eliot’s context. Try to start with a more conceptual statement. Like, "The theme of ______ is continuously relevant to different audiences because ________. Indeed, Elliot's expression... etc., just something to lead you in. Eliot uses the image “a patient etherized upon a table” to suggest Prufrock’s complacency and impotence, setting up the sense of inertia and establishing the suffocating lethargy that dominates this poem. The abrupt departure from a regular rhyme scheme and macabre imagery suggests a break with the Romantic tradition. Nice! Likewise, the childish rhyme “the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo” mimics the mundane, futile nature of social interactions of the context that Prufrock finds so debilitating. I love the links to context you are making in this paragraph, but try to extend it beyond the character of Prufrock. It's not really important about the effects/conseuences for Prufrock, what about what we as the modern audience learns? This is juxtaposed with the sophisticated image of Michelangelo, symbolic of the influential, desirable man that Prufrock cannot be. Similarly, Prufrock likens himself to a bottom-dwelling crab “ragged claws, floors of silent seas”. Remember, Prufrock does nothing, that character is a puppet for the composer! Composer gets all due credit. Crabs scuttle horizontally and never forward, much as Prufrock moves horizontally in thought but never forward in his actions. The image also conveys Prufrock’s feeling of isolation and futility, and has enduring relevance to our current context, where individuals continuously suppress their emotions and isolate their true personalities. Any elements of the modern context that create this effect (Pokemon Go? ;)) In addition, Prufrock’s social ineptitude is reflected in “to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet”. The spurning mellifluous long vowel sounds adds to the low emotional intensity, contributing to bleak, brutal imagery of futility and banality. This demonstrates the loss of individuality, and society’s demand for conformity. There is a lost sense of genuine self, instead there is a shifting façade dictated by meaningless social conventions. We all metaphorically wear masks that make us socially acceptable at the expense of our personal identities. Little too long without a technique there. Similarly, the parenthetical line “With a bald spot in the middle of my hair” further demonstrates Prufrock’s lack of self-confidence. It begins Prufrock’s preoccupation with what others think of him. He is typified by this. It mitigates the enjoyment he can glean from life. Likewise, Prufrock likens himself to a specimen insect “when I am pinned and wriggling on the wall”. He feels trapped and confined, constantly inspected and analysed by society, an idea still relevant today. He is clearly expressing desperation, helplessness and paralysis in navigating social constructs. Remember to add a conclusion to each paragraph. "Thus, it is clear that _______." Something simple that ties back to the topic of that paragraph.
Eliot draws upon the Freudian aspects of his context and explores the idea of a divided self, reflecting the ambiguity and confusion of human thought and action. This is more like what I wanted to see in the first paragraph! Add a link to how this makes it relevant to the modern audience and you have a winner. He introduces this idea of ambiguity of thought in the first line, “you and I”. Technique? Eliot is referring to Prufrock and the side of Prufrock’s psyche with which he’s engaged in an endless debate, and inviting us on the journey throughout his mind. Be careful not to use plot details to make your points: The focus should always be techniques! Additionally, Eliot uses a simile, “streets that follow like a tedious argument”, comparing the tedious argument Prufrock is having with himself to long and tedious streets. This continues his metaphor of a personal journey through his mind, reflecting the meandering and convoluted nature of his internal argument. Likewise, the lyrical repetition of “there will be time” is emblematic of the speaker’s indecision, caused by the uncertain, hesitant nature of Prufrock’s mind, and emphasises the endless weariness of time that has no purpose, as Prufrock’s life does. Again, focusing a tad too much on Prufrock I believe, remember to extend the idea to wider audiences (us, as responders) frequently! What do we learn? Why is it relevant to us? This idea surpasses Eliot’s context and continues to have enduring relevance with contemporary individuals who fear inadequacy, and as such fail to be decisive for fear of being insufficient for society’s expectations. Similarly, the use of voiceless alveolar stops “to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?” represents his life as a stale, discarded, waste product. This fragmented, sordid image represents his sense of inadequacy, and the disjointed, confused nature of his thinking. In addition, the idea of a divided external and internal persona is represented through the powerful conclusion, “till human voices wake us, and we drown”. Eliot is demonstrating that once we realise that the idealistic views of Romanticism are unattainable, and that our external identities constantly judged by a superficial, pretentious society and always found to be insufficient, your inner persona recognises life as meaningless and empty. Sadly, this bleak epiphany still resonates with many in today’s context. Another fantastic paragraph!!
This is a seriously great essay!! Very clever techniques and analysis, extremely well expressed ideas, context tied in cleverly, super awesome in many ways! ;D
I'll start by saying that first paragraph is, in my opinion, not the way to go. Your writing level can absolutely handle a more integrated approach, where you take those great contextual/stylistic features and just thread them through your other arguments. You have already used contextual features in the other paragraphs; you would just add room for more if you need it. The first paragraph should be replaced with another paragraph of content, which should improve the balance a tad ;D
Your analysis is really powerful; I especially love the way you tie in the styles/periods of romanticism, modernism, etc. Very nice. However, I'm looking for you to tie in the "enduring value" of the text, and why the text remains important for study. Tie into what we as an audience learn, essentially, because it is a part of your question! As you are doing this, try to shift the focus away from the characters (Prufrock) in your text, and shift it to how the composer uses techniques in an effective way to communicate an idea to the audience. It is these techniques that allow the text to demonstrate an enduring relevance, as ideas are communicated in ways that are relevant to all audiences. Focusing on the characters and impacts on characters not only shifts you close to retell, but also prevents you from addressing the question to its full potential. Focus on techniques!
Some little touch ups to analysis (Technique/Explain/Audience) and structure (ensure all paragraphs are introduced with a clear concept) may be needed as you swap that first paragraph to a 3rd normal paragraph. Ensure each paragraph has a clear and distinct purpose that stands alone, but still links to the main idea.
So that is a few improvements I'd suggest, all to try and hit the question a little more appropriately and effectively. A greater focus on techniques, and adapting that first paragraph, should be your focus! I really hope this helps ;D ;D ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 15, 2016, 11:36:57 pm
Hey!
this is my hamlet essay - the question given was "explore how the play-within-a-play contributed to your personal understanding of the play as a whole?
does this answer the question?
Hey Justina!! I've had a read of your essay, it is attached below with comments throughout in bold! ;D
Spoiler
Metatheatricality is a dramatic device in which enlightens an imaginative field that merely imitates the reality of human experience. Yet, it breeds distortion on true forms of life, since it neglects inclinations of rationalism, but rather moulds an ideal world which accommodates to our personal limitations that otherwise, considered ethically corrupt. A slight issue of expression in those first two sentences. The idea is great!! Just make sure it is communicated clearly. The intricate dynamic of playing a role lies within the flexibility to choreograph the responder’s interpretation; since theatre must render an aligned analysis of truth with its audience, or else – unwarranted. A fabricated body of life is constructed to draw out consciousness of the real world which associates with absolute and pure truth. Great! Subsequently, in living through a superficial realm of society, immorality is justified. In Shakespeare’s Hamlet play-within-a-play, Hamlet mirrors his own predicament within the enactment of ‘The Murder of Gonzago’, in an attempt to awaken exposure of the real world, and hence Claudius’ conscience. Try to keep explanations of character interactions and their meaning (even though this is very brief) to the body paragraphs where possible. Shakespeare accentuates that it is easier to criticize humanity’s fatal flaws in an atmosphere where rationality of action is boundless, and particularly unexpected, since it is when the individual is raw in reaction and emotion. Great! It is at this moment of weakness that reality is captured. Hence, metatheatre oscillates between the rational and irrational, expressing the implications of morality on the human condition. Excellent introduction, but I do think that your expression could be a little clearer. Introductions should lay an extremely clear foundation with a single idea (Thesis) that permeates throughout; I think this lacks focus. It isn't waffle, you are raising lots of good ideas, but I think that there are so many floating around that it becomes a little convoluted.
Through metatheatre, an illogical structure of the world is expressed and humanity’s fears that only exist within reality are released. For if realism is drawn out in the role of staging, then the only consciousness that endures, is within the mind since it is the “abstract unity of thought”. Moreover, an individual is liberated of identity and exposure of truth since imagination does not purely resonate with human experience but merely creates an idealised world that “imitates humanity”. Fantastic opening, but again, a little lacking in focus for my taste. I'd like to see you reduce these 3 sentences to 2 to give it some more clarity and leave more room for analysis. Ironically, the antithesis of this manifests in Hamlet. Hamlet merges the realms of rationality and irrationality together to reinstill fear within characters viewing ‘The Mousetrap’, illuminating his own awareness on the power of staging. What does this show the audience? And indeed, yourself? That is a key part of the question. Through the rhyming couplet “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king”, Hamlet projects his own consciousness on human frailty since he revives the truth where the individual is vulnerable, in the escape of acting. In enacting his reality to expose Claudius’ corruption, insinuates that a façade can only mask one’s internal moral authority temporarily. The focus must then be directed on the dramatic structure of staging to effectively elicit a psychological response within the audience. This is expounded in Hamlet’s instruction to the players through the juxtaposition of “whirlwind of passion” yet “giving it smoothness” since “anything so overdone is from the purpose of playing”. Thus, we permeate from ‘imitating reality’ to ‘becoming’. You have some really powerful ideas, but I think the way you express them is taking room away from analysis (you only have two techniques in this paragraph), and linking to the audience (a key part of the question). I think you need to take a step back and simplify!
When interpreting impulses collectively, with sensitivity to consequence and ethics, the latter is informed judgement. The dichotomous struggle between morality and impulse is rather pronounced in Hamlet with metatheatre functioning as Hamlet’s peripeteia. This is a better introduction! More succinct, you've done in two sentences what took 4-5 last paragraph. In expressing Claudius’ flaws through ‘The Mousetrap’, the doubling effect is in Hamlet’s critical evaluation of his own hamartia. Hamlet validates his own frailty of inaction in self-abasement with rhetorical questions “Am I a coward?” and “Who called me villain?” He draws on the evocative “dream of passion” that the player communicates to the audience within the realm of “fiction”. It is this sharp distinction in intention, for duty and the latter – purely groundless, that Shakespeare highlights the irony in judgement. Good link to the audience in that analysis there, very nice. Hamlet’s perplexed nature at the player’s lack of drive is emphasised through exclamations “and all for nothing!” and thus denotes that “conscience does make cowards of us all”. Shakespeare exemplifies that the burden of morality on instinctive nature provokes repressed desire. For Hamlet, the objective then is to retain identity by overpowering our moral consciousness; the desire is not only satisfaction, but “activity itself”. I know this is a metatheatre response, and so talking about the characters is appropriate. That said, ensure that the focus for the majority of the response remains with Shakespeare, Hamlet is just the puppet communicating the intentions of the composer. Metatheatre marks Hamlet’s anagnorisis with the imperative “now, I’ll do’t”, enlightening Hamlet’s transformed discourse in attempts to withdraw his ambivalence. Ensure each paragraph is concluded correctly, even with something as simple as; "Thus, the audience comes to realise that ________"
As a postmodern responder of the multidimensional play, one can recognize that Hamlet’s predicament is shaped by the plight of the Renaissance man, particularly with the implication of spirituality within that era, thus contributing to the play’s enduring value. LOVE that introduction, fantastic link to the audience through "enduring value," really great. Although metatheatre has evoked clarity on Hamlet’s reformed intentions, there remains a resilient tenacity in compliance with the spiritual conventions of the Elizabethan epoch. To endorse corruption by the rationale of “filial obligation”, in conjunction with the numinous lexicon “the purging of his soul”, foreshadows yet again Hamlet’s calamity. Where there is opportunity to “relish for salvation”, is it not then reasonable to infer that Hamlet’s groundwork functions to no avail? I personally am not a fan of this level of expression in a piece of academic writing, though I don't think you'd be penalised for it, so take my advice as you please. He is no longer that of an organic identity for experience progressively shapes character beyond transcendence. Expression issue there? What emerges out of Hamlet’s predicament is that of self-preservation. Adhering to the Aristotelian conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet’s existential rhetoric in “To be or not to be” does not dysfunction the delicacy of his catharsis. The ethereal nature of death is highlighted through the euphemism “to sleep, perchance to dream” in that it revives the ideal world of imagination yet again. Responders shift from the transience of reality to the region of our desires. It ceases the metaphorical “sea of troubles” and subsequently, Hamlet preserves his identity in tranquillity. In projecting the futility of existence to responders through Hamlet, Shakespeare enlightens a nihilistic approach to the realm of morals – that is, the real. Again, your ideas are very powerful, but I don't feel you are sustaining an analysis here. See my comments below.
In retrospect, the intricacy of metatheatre lies within its ability to decipher the distinct bodies of rationality and irrationality. In merging them, responders’ interpretation of the play is shaped by morality and the implicated body politic. You'll need to beef up this conclusion a bit. Restate your Thesis, restate what you've discussed, and then reach a final conclusion. 3 sentences minimum, but given the length of your introduction, you'll need 4 or even 5 sentences to achieve a level of balance.
Through metatheatre, an illogical structure of the world is expressed and humanity’s fears that only exist within reality are released. For if realism is drawn out in the role of staging, then the only consciousness that endures, is within the mind since it is the “abstract unity of thought”. Moreover, an individual is liberated of identity and exposure of truth since imagination does not purely resonate with human experience but merely creates an idealised world that “imitates humanity”. Fantastic opening, but again, a little lacking in focus for my taste. I'd like to see you reduce these 3 sentences to 2 to give it some more clarity and leave more room for analysis. Ironically, the antithesis of this manifests in Hamlet. Hamlet merges the realms of rationality and irrationality together to reinstill fear within characters viewing ‘The Mousetrap’, illuminating his own awareness on the power of staging. What does this show the audience? And indeed, yourself? That is a key part of the question. Through the rhyming couplet “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king”, Hamlet projects his own consciousness on human frailty since he revives the truth where the individual is vulnerable, in the escape of acting. In enacting his reality to expose Claudius’ corruption, insinuates that a façade can only mask one’s internal moral authority temporarily. The focus must then be directed on the dramatic structure of staging to effectively elicit a psychological response within the audience. This is expounded in Hamlet’s instruction to the players through the juxtaposition of “whirlwind of passion” yet “giving it smoothness” since “anything so overdone is from the purpose of playing”. Thus, we permeate from ‘imitating reality’ to ‘becoming’. You have some really powerful ideas, but I think the way you express them is taking room away from analysis (you only have two techniques in this paragraph), and linking to the audience (a key part of the question). I think you need to take a step back and simplify!
When interpreting impulses collectively, with sensitivity to consequence and ethics, the latter is informed judgement. The dichotomous struggle between morality and impulse is rather pronounced in Hamlet with metatheatre functioning as Hamlet’s peripeteia. This is a better introduction! More succinct, you've done in two sentences what took 4-5 last paragraph. In expressing Claudius’ flaws through ‘The Mousetrap’, the doubling effect is in Hamlet’s critical evaluation of his own hamartia. Hamlet validates his own frailty of inaction in self-abasement with rhetorical questions “Am I a coward?” and “Who called me villain?” He draws on the evocative “dream of passion” that the player communicates to the audience within the realm of “fiction”. It is this sharp distinction in intention, for duty and the latter – purely groundless, that Shakespeare highlights the irony in judgement. Good link to the audience in that analysis there, very nice. Hamlet’s perplexed nature at the player’s lack of drive is emphasised through exclamations “and all for nothing!” and thus denotes that “conscience does make cowards of us all”. Shakespeare exemplifies that the burden of morality on instinctive nature provokes repressed desire. For Hamlet, the objective then is to retain identity by overpowering our moral consciousness; the desire is not only satisfaction, but “activity itself”. I know this is a metatheatre response, and so talking about the characters is appropriate. That said, ensure that the focus for the majority of the response remains with Shakespeare, Hamlet is just the puppet communicating the intentions of the composer. Metatheatre marks Hamlet’s anagnorisis with the imperative “now, I’ll do’t”, enlightening Hamlet’s transformed discourse in attempts to withdraw his ambivalence. Ensure each paragraph is concluded correctly, even with something as simple as; "Thus, the audience comes to realise that ________"
As a postmodern responder of the multidimensional play, one can recognize that Hamlet’s predicament is shaped by the plight of the Renaissance man, particularly with the implication of spirituality within that era, thus contributing to the play’s enduring value. LOVE that introduction, fantastic link to the audience through "enduring value," really great. Although metatheatre has evoked clarity on Hamlet’s reformed intentions, there remains a resilient tenacity in compliance with the spiritual conventions of the Elizabethan epoch. To endorse corruption by the rationale of “filial obligation”, in conjunction with the numinous lexicon “the purging of his soul”, foreshadows yet again Hamlet’s calamity. Where there is opportunity to “relish for salvation”, is it not then reasonable to infer that Hamlet’s groundwork functions to no avail? I personally am not a fan of this level of expression in a piece of academic writing, though I don't think you'd be penalised for it, so take my advice as you please. He is no longer that of an organic identity for experience progressively shapes character beyond transcendence. Expression issue there? What emerges out of Hamlet’s predicament is that of self-preservation. Adhering to the Aristotelian conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet’s existential rhetoric in “To be or not to be” does not dysfunction the delicacy of his catharsis. The ethereal nature of death is highlighted through the euphemism “to sleep, perchance to dream” in that it revives the ideal world of imagination yet again. Responders shift from the transience of reality to the region of our desires. It ceases the metaphorical “sea of troubles” and subsequently, Hamlet preserves his identity in tranquillity. In projecting the futility of existence to responders through Hamlet, Shakespeare enlightens a nihilistic approach to the realm of morals – that is, the real. Again, your ideas are very powerful, but I don't feel you are sustaining an analysis here. See my comments below.
In retrospect, the intricacy of metatheatre lies within its ability to decipher the distinct bodies of rationality and irrationality. In merging them, responders’ interpretation of the play is shaped by morality and the implicated body politic. You'll need to beef up this conclusion a bit. Restate your Thesis, restate what you've discussed, and then reach a final conclusion. 3 sentences minimum, but given the length of your introduction, you'll need 4 or even 5 sentences to achieve a level of balance.
The ideas in your essay are extremely sophisticated Justina, you have some brilliant insights into your text!! Extremely impressive vocabulary and extremely clever concepts, so fantastic job there!
Okay, so I want to get Elyse to have a second look at this essay, because I'm honestly not sure what I think of it. Ideas are fabulous, that's for sure, but I personally found those ideas quite difficult to access. There is so much floating around, so much happening, that I think it loses conceptual focus. The way you express the ideas made it difficult for me to follow your thought process. I'm ABSOLUTELY happy to admit that you are just writing beyond my level and thus I'm finding it hard to access your ideas, but for whatever the reason, I found it hard to follow your essay. As I said, I'll get a second opinion on this, because I do think you are answering the question ;D
Unquestionably though, I think you do need a greater focus on analysis. You need a bit more of the usual "Technique/Explain/Audience" analysis style, more explanations of how Shakespeare has used technique to craft meaning (with particular reference to metatheatre in your case). Particularly given that the question asks for your understanding, you also need to ensure you discuss how the audience perceives the text, and how Shakespeare's use of techniques communicates ideas to us as an audience. This is vital for any essay! :D
A great essay Justina, definitely a pleasure to read!! I'll get Elyse to give this a read for a second opinion, sorry my feedback can't be as helpful as I'd like! ;D
Post by: Justina Shehata on July 15, 2016, 11:55:52 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2016, 12:01:34 am
Thanks so much! Yeah i can definitely see what you mean about making some of my expressions clearer! Will definitely do that!! Thank you again!
Totally welcome!! Hang tight for a second opinion though, I'm a little unsure about this one, and if I'm ever unsure about my feedback I want to make sure someone checks my view. So I'm getting someone more capable than I to jump on and have a quick read, stay tuned! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2016, 12:44:50 am
Hey there, this is an essay I've written for Module A (1984 and Metropolis) in preparation for trials!! Just wondering if someone could please have a look over it and see if it makes sense? It's also way too long at the moment, so if you think anything is unnecessary please let me know!!! Thankyou so much :))
Hey there liiz!! I'd love to have a look over it, and I'll keep an eye out for things to cut for you (if anything is definitely worth trimming for me I'll strike it out) ;D
Spoiler
Whilst control is fundamental to gaining power over individuals and groups in society, it has often been deleterious throughout history, resulting in repression and dehumanisation. Love this Thesis! I'd add something about how this notion of control is a popular topic for composers, link interest of audience, blah blah, before going into your texts! Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) explore this excessive control at the extremes of autocratic and totalitarian regimes. Awesome! As the film and novel elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment respectively, responders can gain a greater appreciation of how social and historical perspectives held at the time, shape and influence meaning within the didactic texts. By means of a comparative study, audiences further enrich their understanding of unrestricted control as a destructive influence on society, especially when paired with technology. Near faultless Liiz, seriously great. Adapt it to whatever question is in front of you and you will have a winner.
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis. Lang’s 1927 silent film draws parallels to the composer’s era following WWI, where authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Influenced by German expressionism, the art-deco set design of the upper echelons of society incorporates bright opens spaces and bold geometric shapes whilst the conditions underground are dark, bleak and overcrowded. Through this clever cinematography, Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the classes and enables audiences to visually conceptualise how the decadence of the city is built, quite literally, on inequality. Ha, I love it. Brilliant indeed, you could rework it slightly to be more consequential for the audience (EG - not just noticing something about the text itself, but learning something about the abuse of power FROM the text). Whilst such a futuristic metropolis was not seen in Germany at the time, the film sought inspiration from the vast physical dimensions of expanding western cities, such as New York. To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation and power at the expense of others. You are writing extremely well; if you need length trimmed, your challenge is to be more succinct! For example, try blending these past two sentences into one! This is evinced by the worker’s exhausted bodies trudging in stylised and synchronised columns to repetitious non-diegetic music. Furthermore, the biblical iconography of the “Tower of Babel” is used to establish Fredersen’s omnipotent status and subsequently aid in Lang’s criticism of capitalist values. You are blending context into this essay absolutely magnificently! The intertitle of “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation, and enables audiences to identify man’s hubris at the forefront of an autocratic leadership. Whilst the struggle between the classes is made apparent, Metropolis depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of the “hands that build” and “minds that plan.” As Freder eventually becomes the mediator, the film’s optimistic ending reflects the ideology of mutual cooperation that was beginning to take shape in Europe. Hence, Lang gives an insight into the changing values of his society as the imperial government was replaced by a form of representative democracy (Weimar Republic). This offers audiences a sense of hope in the struggle against power imbalances as oppressed individuals actively attain some control over their lives. Thus, Metropolis provides a strong case for how context can influence meaning and deepen audience's understanding of control. Again, absolutely fantastic Liiz, seriously wonderful. I'd like to see you adapting your analysis in terms of the audience ever so slightly, shifting the focus from "observing something within the text" to "learning something about the concept." This is more powerful, because it shows that the audience gains a new understanding beyond the text itself. You are doing it already, but try to implement it even more.
Similarly, Orwell’s 1949 prose novel, enriches audiences understanding of how control can impact negatively on society. However, 1984 does not provide any effective redress to the rigid society as Lang’s film, produced 20 years prior, does. Following the fascist and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell captures a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Any examples or techniques to demonstrate this? Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any freedom of thought. As a result, readers are confronted by the authoritarian regimes and their ability to weaken the strength and independence of individual’s minds. Great link to audience. Orwell’s use of chiasmus in “who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” cements the image, as reflected in Metropolis, of a domineering and powerful world. Good inter-textual link here. Since this is the Comparative Study, I'd like to see more of this! Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were their slaves” warns how the excessive use of control contributes to the repression and subjugation of the masses. As Orwell reflects upon the happenings of WWII, he highlights how the fear within individuals and “herd mentality” was often too strong to question the imbalances of power and control. This is communicated through the imperative and emphatic language of the propaganda in 1984 - “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” - which no individual dares to refute, despite being blatantly oxymoronic to readers. This representation can be accounted for by Orwell’s observation of propaganda in mass media as well as the corruption of language for political power during his time. Your frequent links to context are really great, keep this up. Furthermore, “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic” vividly describes the unavoidable nature of indoctrination by the stronger powers, reminiscent of the events of WWII. and reinforces the oppression of individuals. Any technique attached to that quote? I have just realised your quotes are chewing a sizeable part of your word count: Try working on trimming them to only what is necessary to exemplify the technique. With a climate of fear in London and states run by totalitarian dictators prevalent during Orwell’s era, 1984 mirrors an oppressive regime as inherently dangerous for societal relations and individuals as leaders employ absolute and incessant power. Therefore, both 1984 and Metropolis, despite different contextual foundations, have enriched responder’s understanding of excessive control to be a detrimental influence on society, dividing the hegemonic forces and repressed. Another great paragraph here! At this point I'll recommend some more links between your two texts: I'm not getting too much comparison at this stage.
Such ramifications of injurious control are only seen to be exacerbated through technology, as explored in Metropolis. Nitpick: Try to mention the composer before the text. Consider it this way: We can say a Harry Potter is awesome, and it is, but really it is JK Rowling who is amazing. She should go first. Same here, putting the composer first implicitly establishes the fact that you notice the composer as the creator of the text, the text is just the medium for THEIR ideas. Whilst the technological advances represent 20th century achievements, Lang illustrates his deeper concern for humanity. What founds these concerns? A low angle shot makes viewers feel intimidated by the monstrous Moloch machine. Does this have any further relevance for modern audiences?The ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape with the assistance of increasingly dramatic music. Thus showing us what? This feels unnecessary in comparison to the power behind the rest of your analysis. As workers are devoured to appease the autocratic leadership, the confronting scene evokes an emotional response from audiences. What emotion? Lang communicates the merging of the pagan past with a capitalist present as the masses are still exploited to meet the needs of the powerful elite and fuel the industrial progress. The workers become dehumanised and degraded as their movements within a mid shot continue to be as robotic as the machines they tend, blurring the line between man and machine for audiences. Hence, the repressive nature of control and its ability to eradicate individualism through technology is conveyed. Additionally, as Lang dramatises the Marxist struggle of the underclass, the dangers of technology become a contextual trigger for moral degradation and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, symbolises how the authority of man and “workers of the future” may be usurped by machines.Again, is this all the more relevant for modern audiences? The montage of amourous hands and eyes of men as they observe her dance sequences convey society’s desire for such technology, and its ability to corrupt individuals by controlling their actions. Fantastic. When Cyborg Maria incites a chaotic revolt amongst the suppressed workers, wide angle shots capture the destruction to the city and effectively communicate the potentially ruinous force of technology. Be careful not to slip too much into textual retell. As such, Lang’s contextual perspective on rebellion and lack of individual power as a result of technology in Metropolis have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of control. Don't let my comments fool you: Another fantastic paragraph! Just small things to make it shine ;)
Comparably, Orwell develops readers understanding of control to have a dehumanising effect when exercised through technology in 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” Don't go low modality for your points; The posters ARE resembling Hitler and Stalin, because you say they are! The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police, enabling responders to feel empathy for the subjugated and repressed masses. Fantastic. Orwell’s fear for technology, prompted by his era, was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. This is communicated through the emphatic and direct language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” Those previous two sentences are another candidate for being more succinct: Try to blend them into one!As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead.” Similarly to Metropolis, the controlling nature of technology acts as a catalyst for Winston’s rebellion. These last two sentences only have consequence for the text: None for the audience and none for the concept. You can remove them! However, it is quickly undermined through torture and the Party’s “victory” over the protagonist is confirmed as “he loved Big Brother.” As Winston repeats “2+2=5”, audiences understand that he has lost touch with the reality he once defended, revealing the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and implicit ways control can be employed through technology in 1984, resulting in the dehumanisation of man, as similarly explored by Metropolis. Yet again, extremely effective paragraph.
Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are derived from the societies of their time through contextual perspectives. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, repressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of control, and it’s employment through technology, to be a powerful and often damaging influence on both social relations and the nature of humanity. Great conclusion as well! I'd like to see you re-word your Thesis and stick it at the start of this conclusion, that would make it shine for me ;D
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis. Lang’s 1927 silent film draws parallels to the composer’s era following WWI, where authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Influenced by German expressionism, the art-deco set design of the upper echelons of society incorporates bright opens spaces and bold geometric shapes whilst the conditions underground are dark, bleak and overcrowded. Through this clever cinematography, Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the classes and enables audiences to visually conceptualise how the decadence of the city is built, quite literally, on inequality. Ha, I love it. Brilliant indeed, you could rework it slightly to be more consequential for the audience (EG - not just noticing something about the text itself, but learning something about the abuse of power FROM the text). Whilst such a futuristic metropolis was not seen in Germany at the time, the film sought inspiration from the vast physical dimensions of expanding western cities, such as New York. To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation and power at the expense of others. You are writing extremely well; if you need length trimmed, your challenge is to be more succinct! For example, try blending these past two sentences into one! This is evinced by the worker’s exhausted bodies trudging in stylised and synchronised columns to repetitious non-diegetic music. Furthermore, the biblical iconography of the “Tower of Babel” is used to establish Fredersen’s omnipotent status and subsequently aid in Lang’s criticism of capitalist values. You are blending context into this essay absolutely magnificently! The intertitle of “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation, and enables audiences to identify man’s hubris at the forefront of an autocratic leadership. Whilst the struggle between the classes is made apparent, Metropolis depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of the “hands that build” and “minds that plan.” As Freder eventually becomes the mediator, the film’s optimistic ending reflects the ideology of mutual cooperation that was beginning to take shape in Europe. Hence, Lang gives an insight into the changing values of his society as the imperial government was replaced by a form of representative democracy (Weimar Republic). This offers audiences a sense of hope in the struggle against power imbalances as oppressed individuals actively attain some control over their lives. Thus, Metropolis provides a strong case for how context can influence meaning and deepen audience's understanding of control. Again, absolutely fantastic Liiz, seriously wonderful. I'd like to see you adapting your analysis in terms of the audience ever so slightly, shifting the focus from "observing something within the text" to "learning something about the concept." This is more powerful, because it shows that the audience gains a new understanding beyond the text itself. You are doing it already, but try to implement it even more.
Similarly, Orwell’s 1949 prose novel, enriches audiences understanding of how control can impact negatively on society. However, 1984 does not provide any effective redress to the rigid society as Lang’s film, produced 20 years prior, does. Following the fascist and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell captures a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Any examples or techniques to demonstrate this? Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any freedom of thought. As a result, readers are confronted by the authoritarian regimes and their ability to weaken the strength and independence of individual’s minds. Great link to audience. Orwell’s use of chiasmus in “who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” cements the image, as reflected in Metropolis, of a domineering and powerful world. Good inter-textual link here. Since this is the Comparative Study, I'd like to see more of this! Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were their slaves” warns how the excessive use of control contributes to the repression and subjugation of the masses. As Orwell reflects upon the happenings of WWII, he highlights how the fear within individuals and “herd mentality” was often too strong to question the imbalances of power and control. This is communicated through the imperative and emphatic language of the propaganda in 1984 - “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” - which no individual dares to refute, despite being blatantly oxymoronic to readers. This representation can be accounted for by Orwell’s observation of propaganda in mass media as well as the corruption of language for political power during his time. Your frequent links to context are really great, keep this up. Furthermore, “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic” vividly describes the unavoidable nature of indoctrination by the stronger powers, reminiscent of the events of WWII. and reinforces the oppression of individuals. Any technique attached to that quote? I have just realised your quotes are chewing a sizeable part of your word count: Try working on trimming them to only what is necessary to exemplify the technique. With a climate of fear in London and states run by totalitarian dictators prevalent during Orwell’s era, 1984 mirrors an oppressive regime as inherently dangerous for societal relations and individuals as leaders employ absolute and incessant power. Therefore, both 1984 and Metropolis, despite different contextual foundations, have enriched responder’s understanding of excessive control to be a detrimental influence on society, dividing the hegemonic forces and repressed. Another great paragraph here! At this point I'll recommend some more links between your two texts: I'm not getting too much comparison at this stage.
Such ramifications of injurious control are only seen to be exacerbated through technology, as explored in Metropolis. Nitpick: Try to mention the composer before the text. Consider it this way: We can say a Harry Potter is awesome, and it is, but really it is JK Rowling who is amazing. She should go first. Same here, putting the composer first implicitly establishes the fact that you notice the composer as the creator of the text, the text is just the medium for THEIR ideas. Whilst the technological advances represent 20th century achievements, Lang illustrates his deeper concern for humanity. What founds these concerns? A low angle shot makes viewers feel intimidated by the monstrous Moloch machine. Does this have any further relevance for modern audiences?
Comparably, Orwell develops readers understanding of control to have a dehumanising effect when exercised through technology in 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” Don't go low modality for your points; The posters ARE resembling Hitler and Stalin, because you say they are! The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police, enabling responders to feel empathy for the subjugated and repressed masses. Fantastic. Orwell’s fear for technology, prompted by his era, was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. This is communicated through the emphatic and direct language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” Those previous two sentences are another candidate for being more succinct: Try to blend them into one!
Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are derived from the societies of their time through contextual perspectives. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, repressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of control, and it’s employment through technology, to be a powerful and often damaging influence on both social relations and the nature of humanity. Great conclusion as well! I'd like to see you re-word your Thesis and stick it at the start of this conclusion, that would make it shine for me ;D
Liiz, this is an absolutely fantastic response. Introduction and conclusion are both nearly faultless, and the structure of your ideas is also fantastically logical. Your analysis is powerful, varied and audience focused, and context is integrated fantastically.
You submitted a version of this essay just over a month ago for marking. Seeing the difference, it is absolutely mind blowing how much it has improved. You should be seriously, seriously proud, because this response is wonderful.
All that said, I can still recommend a few changes. It's my job ;)
If you are looking for trims, I have two ideas. One (and I did this in a place or two), go through every paragraph and find sentences that aren't directly linked to either the audience, or the context. Consider, why is it there? If you don't have an answer, ditch it ;) also, be sure to only give the part of your quote that illustrates the technique you need, that might trim some words as well ;D
I'd also advise you to consider how you frame your audience links. Sometimes you are identifying things the audience learns about the concept, which is perfect. Other times, you just show what a technique has showed the audience about the text itself. This is less effective. Focus on the concept when you can!! ;D
Finally (and this is probably the most important) some more comparisons between the texts integrated throughout the paragraphs. This is the comparative module, so you need to be regularly comparing how the two texts explore similar ideas. The two paragraphs do this reasonably, but integrating comments throughout will make this stronger. Super important!!
All that said, this response is fantastic, and you should feel super confident with it heading into Trials, fantastic work!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2016, 01:13:12 am
Hi I am really not sure what I'm doing because this is my first time doing this and only found out you could do this from the Eng Adv lecture a couple of days ago. My teacher gives me minimal feedback, so I was wondering if you could look through this with a critical mind and let me know what to improve or cut out of this speech. There are also some points to consider and marking criteria down below after the speech. Note: this is only a draft so lacks a conclusion and another body paragraph.
Thanks and enjoy :D
Hey there study buddy! Since your response to mark is short I thought I'd get it done now as a last mark before I get some rest! Thanks for posting, and hope you enjoyed the lectures!! ;D
QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.
Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. I'd like to see a definition of what you view to inform an individuals mindset, or otherwise a little more depth in some other fashion. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime. Try not to spend too much time just retelling parts of the text. This is unnecessary, and you should focus on presenting your ideas! In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." His conclusion is a very significant one and a perfect example of how beautiful nature can be as well as the power of landscapes to change a mindset. De Botton concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." Ensure that whenever you use a quote from the text, identify the TECHNIQUE within that quote! Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." I like the links you make between the two texts, very nice. This reinforces the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death"
Okay, now what I'll do is give each criteria in turn, and suggest ways to improve your performance in relation to that criteria!
Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text.
Basically, is assessing how clever your ideas are, but more importantly, are you addressing the question. I think you are answering it fairly well, but definitely, the focus could be clearer in places. Ensure that everything is linked back to the question.
Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques.
This is where I think you need a fair bit of work. Remember, when you are discussing the ideas presented by the composers, you must explain how they present it. This means techniques! Your analysis should take the form of TEA:
Technique - Simile, metaphor, alliteration, symbolism, etc: What technique has the composer used to present the idea?
Explain - What idea is being presented and WHY is it important (EG - what does it show about individual mindset)?
Audience - What does the audience learn?
Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
This just relates to how well the speech is written and structured. It is written really well, but I'd like to see a more distinctive Intro/Body/Conclusion structure as you continue to develop it!!
A great start here study buddy!! Keen to see you keep developing it, great work! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2016, 02:41:31 am
OK, so this is a module C essay on Representing people and landscapes. I am at a total loss on how to bring it up to a band 5 at least! There are bits where I talk about the "significance of de Botton's ideas" and look, I really don't know what about his ideas I should include, there are so many!!!! Also, I cannot write 1200 words in 40 mins, so yeh, I am a bit of a work hoarder and need someone to cut out unnecessary bits.
P.s. The Texts i used are De Botton's, The Art of Travel and the painting, "Lady of Shalott".
THANK YOU!!
Hey there!! Happy to take a look at your essay, it is attached with comments throughout in bold! ;D
Spoiler
How do composers construct texts that reveal both the experience of landscapes and their significance for people?
Texts can create meaning by illustrating the relationship between people and landscapes. This is a safe Thesis; directly re-states the question, but I reckon you could do something more clever, expand a little! What IS the relationship between people and landscapes? WHY is it that composers continually illustrate this relationship? Things to consider! Alain de Botton’s non-fiction text, The Art of Travel (2002) and the nineteenth century painting by John William Waterhouse, The Lady of Shalott (1888) both convey the impact of people’s experiences on their understanding of themselves and others. De Botton and Waterhouse constructed their respective tests in a way that creates this meaning. This last sentence could be expressed a little differently, possibly integrating context? However, a solid introduction on the whole!! Definitely room for improvement, but foundations are solid ;D
The Art of Travel is a series of connected essays through which de Botton parallels his own experiences of travel with that of historical “guides” in order to convey the idea that all people can learn the eudaimonic value of a relationship with the landscape. Alain de Botton chooses to portray himself as an “everyman” in attempt to connect with a broader audience. In this way he expresses his ideas about people and landscapes, such as the eudaimonic effect of a landscape on people once they are able to interact with and discover the beauty of that place – much more effectively. Nice introductory section here; I reckon you could say all of the important bits of those three sentences in one big sentence. Some of it is unnecessary, for example, the plot detail. Try to start your body paragraphs with a conceptual statement. An overly simple example: "The Art of Travel demonstrates that there is a relationship between landscapes and people." See how it has a CONCEPT as the focus? Try this with some of the things you mention in the opening. Also, de Botton creates bathos by juxtaposing highly intellectual philosophy with humorous self=deprecating anecdotes. This is a recurring literary technique employed by de Botton, such as when he depicts the weather in London as “the perfect backdrop to the crucifixion of Christ or to a day beneath the bed clothes.” Here bathos is clearly evident as de Botton uniquely compares the solemnity of the day of the ‘ultimate sacrifice’ to the mood that the physical weather evokes in him that compels people to stay in bed. What does this show the audience about the experience of a landscape (for example), be sure to tell us the importance for the responder? After all, it was composed FOR them! Although unusual, the way de Botton constructs this text makes it more fluid and enjoyable to read, making his readers more susceptible to adopting his ideas. Nice! Any specific techniques which accomplish this? Similarly, de Botton regularly uses inclusive pronouns, such as: “we”, “our” and “us”, when introducing new or challenging philosophy about the solace or excitement we can draw from an interconnection with landscapes, in order to make his ideas seem less intimidating and allowing us to more willingly accept them. Nice tie ins with audience at this stage, excellent! De Botton suggests that “we may find something to appreciate in the skies of Provence once we are told, even if only in the crudest way, that it is the shade of blue that counts.” Using low modality language, de Botton writes, “we may” learn to see the beauty in landscapes if humanity is told what to notice, if they are more observant. What does this show us about landscapes/experiences etc.?Furthermore, the many anecdotes de Botton include act as respites between complicated ideas, small interjections that give the reader time to absorb and ponder his ideas and those of the guides. These simple structural elements of his essays highlight de Botton’s clever construction of The Art of Travel. In a parallel, de Botton humanises his guides, historical figures in literature, such as Wordsworth, the famous poet. In a humorous tone, de Botton comments that Wordsworth “walked like a cade”, adding that a “cade (is) some sort of insect which advances by an oblique motion.” The adjective “oblique” connotes that Wordsworth had an awkward manner about him, allowing the reader to be less intimidated by the insight that Wordsworth’s poetry can offer as about the benefits of our experience in his beautifully illustrated natural environments. In this way, de Botton has constructed a series of essays that are rich in insight to the significance of landscapes to people and readily reveal these ideas to all people. Nice conclusion, this is a solid paragraph! I'd like to see a greater focus on the concept instead of the text, which will allow you to answer the question more clearly.
Conversely, John William Waterhouse visually reveals the emotional significance of one’s experience in a landscape in his painting, The Lady of Shalott. This is a little more conceptual, better!The female persona in this Arthurian scene is the Lady of Shalott who was fabled to be locked in a tower cursed to see the beauty of the world directly and die in a Victorian ballad by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Instead, she must look at the world outside in a mirror and create a tapestry of what she sees. One day, she sees Sir Lancelot and turns around to look at him directly from her tower. Suddenly realizing her fate, she walks down to the river, climbs in the boat and sails singing in the river current as she dies. These last four sentences are entirely textual retell. It is not necessary to retell the text; the marker wants only to see your analysis (techniques, audience impact, etc).Waterhouse depicts the scene as she begins her journey down the river, perhaps minutes before her death. As a whole, the landscape reflects her dying state and in this way the reader can identify the significance of the landscape to the Lady of Shalott. What techniques achieve this? Colour? In the boat, there are three candles melted down, with only one remaining weakly lit, symbolizing the nearness of her death and her wish to hold onto life. Placed next to these candles are rosary beads and a crucifix, three Christian symbols associated with prayer for salvation and forgiveness. Try to abstract the technique from the plot! Here for example, you'd just say, "Waterhouse's use of Christian symbols such as the rosary and the crucifix show that _________." These elements of the landscape suggest her hope for God’s forgiveness and for redemption. At the helm of the boat is a lantern, lit dimly, symbolizing a guiding light to the Lady’s afterlife; the absence of sails suggests that the Lady is reliant on the environment to lead her to Heaven. Her relinquishment of control to the landscape spiritually suggests that landscapes can evoke a sense of security and reassurance to troubled people; it reveals the spiritual and emotional significance of people’s experiences in meaningful landscapes. The painting is a typical Arthurian scene in which dark colour and the appearance of dim lighting is used to create a somber mood, reflecting the dying state of the lady, heightening the tragedy that is her death at such a young age. In contrast to the dark, somewhat blurred background, the Lady of Shallott is foregrounded by her salient red hair and white gown, as well as her central position in the painting. She is therefore the focal point, highlighting her innocence and youth, white being a symbol of purity, her vibrant, wild hair symbolizing freeness. What does this show the audience about the experience of a landscape? Ensure every inclusion answers the question directly! In this way, our attention is drawn to the sullen expression on her face and her indirect gaze: we can infer that she is part of the landscape, but is weak, in despair. Waterhouse includes two small sparrows, tangled in reeds; birds symbolizing freedom, so by tangling them in reeds, barely above ground, Waterhouse conveys that she cannot escape her curse – she will definitely die. Your ideas are really powerful here, but again, not quite focused on the question. The Lady is perched on her delicate tapestry; the section revealed illustrates the Lady and Sir Lancelot facing away from each other, the last scene she has sewn into the tapestry. This creates a sense of finality, as it is completion of her life’s work, her only purpose – she is going to die. In many ways, Waterhouse demonstrates the significance of seeing and having a connection with a landscape, particularly by using the painting media to reflect the meaning of Lady of Shallott’s last moments, experienced in tranquility. Therefore, The Lady of Shallot is a painting constructed by Waterhouse to reflect the effect of people’s experiences in certain landscapes on themselves emotionally and spiritually through the effective employment of several visual and symbolic techniques. Fantastic conclusion, but did your paragraph really do this?
In conclusion, The Art of Travel and The Lady of Shallott, although very different text mediums, both reveal the significance of landscapes for people by convering the meaning that can be derived from people’s experiences in specific places. Alain de Botton and John William Waterhouse constructed their respective texts to convey this idea by manipulating form and effectively utilizing visual and literary techniques. Solid conclusion! I'd like to see you expand on your ideas of the Thesis in one more sentence, but besides that, I think it works really well ;D
Texts can create meaning by illustrating the relationship between people and landscapes. This is a safe Thesis; directly re-states the question, but I reckon you could do something more clever, expand a little! What IS the relationship between people and landscapes? WHY is it that composers continually illustrate this relationship? Things to consider! Alain de Botton’s non-fiction text, The Art of Travel (2002) and the nineteenth century painting by John William Waterhouse, The Lady of Shalott (1888) both convey the impact of people’s experiences on their understanding of themselves and others. De Botton and Waterhouse constructed their respective tests in a way that creates this meaning. This last sentence could be expressed a little differently, possibly integrating context? However, a solid introduction on the whole!! Definitely room for improvement, but foundations are solid ;D
The Art of Travel is a series of connected essays through which de Botton parallels his own experiences of travel with that of historical “guides” in order to convey the idea that all people can learn the eudaimonic value of a relationship with the landscape. Alain de Botton chooses to portray himself as an “everyman” in attempt to connect with a broader audience. In this way he expresses his ideas about people and landscapes, such as the eudaimonic effect of a landscape on people once they are able to interact with and discover the beauty of that place – much more effectively. Nice introductory section here; I reckon you could say all of the important bits of those three sentences in one big sentence. Some of it is unnecessary, for example, the plot detail. Try to start your body paragraphs with a conceptual statement. An overly simple example: "The Art of Travel demonstrates that there is a relationship between landscapes and people." See how it has a CONCEPT as the focus? Try this with some of the things you mention in the opening. Also, de Botton creates bathos by juxtaposing highly intellectual philosophy with humorous self=deprecating anecdotes. This is a recurring literary technique employed by de Botton, such as when he depicts the weather in London as “the perfect backdrop to the crucifixion of Christ or to a day beneath the bed clothes.” Here bathos is clearly evident as de Botton uniquely compares the solemnity of the day of the ‘ultimate sacrifice’ to the mood that the physical weather evokes in him that compels people to stay in bed. What does this show the audience about the experience of a landscape (for example), be sure to tell us the importance for the responder? After all, it was composed FOR them! Although unusual, the way de Botton constructs this text makes it more fluid and enjoyable to read, making his readers more susceptible to adopting his ideas. Nice! Any specific techniques which accomplish this? Similarly, de Botton regularly uses inclusive pronouns, such as: “we”, “our” and “us”, when introducing new or challenging philosophy about the solace or excitement we can draw from an interconnection with landscapes, in order to make his ideas seem less intimidating and allowing us to more willingly accept them. Nice tie ins with audience at this stage, excellent! De Botton suggests that “we may find something to appreciate in the skies of Provence once we are told, even if only in the crudest way, that it is the shade of blue that counts.” Using low modality language, de Botton writes, “we may” learn to see the beauty in landscapes if humanity is told what to notice, if they are more observant. What does this show us about landscapes/experiences etc.?Furthermore, the many anecdotes de Botton include act as respites between complicated ideas, small interjections that give the reader time to absorb and ponder his ideas and those of the guides. These simple structural elements of his essays highlight de Botton’s clever construction of The Art of Travel. In a parallel, de Botton humanises his guides, historical figures in literature, such as Wordsworth, the famous poet. In a humorous tone, de Botton comments that Wordsworth “walked like a cade”, adding that a “cade (is) some sort of insect which advances by an oblique motion.” The adjective “oblique” connotes that Wordsworth had an awkward manner about him, allowing the reader to be less intimidated by the insight that Wordsworth’s poetry can offer as about the benefits of our experience in his beautifully illustrated natural environments. In this way, de Botton has constructed a series of essays that are rich in insight to the significance of landscapes to people and readily reveal these ideas to all people. Nice conclusion, this is a solid paragraph! I'd like to see a greater focus on the concept instead of the text, which will allow you to answer the question more clearly.
Conversely, John William Waterhouse visually reveals the emotional significance of one’s experience in a landscape in his painting, The Lady of Shalott. This is a little more conceptual, better!
In conclusion, The Art of Travel and The Lady of Shallott, although very different text mediums, both reveal the significance of landscapes for people by convering the meaning that can be derived from people’s experiences in specific places. Alain de Botton and John William Waterhouse constructed their respective texts to convey this idea by manipulating form and effectively utilizing visual and literary techniques. Solid conclusion! I'd like to see you expand on your ideas of the Thesis in one more sentence, but besides that, I think it works really well ;D
Great start of an essay here!! Frequently links to the audience, which I love, really ties the responder in well which forces your ideas to be legitimate. Very effective!
The introduction is short and safe, definitely room to expand it. Try considering your concept with a little more depth to consider some ways to make your main idea a little more clever.
There are a few improvements I'd suggest, but let's start with what I think is the biggest one. You need to develop a stronger conceptual focus. The conceptual focus of your essay is the main idea, the main theme explored in parts throughout. Your conceptual focus is a little broad, and your paragraphs aren't set up in a conceptual sort of way. This makes it difficult for you to be linking to the concept throughout the paragraph, and thus, makes it hard for you to answer the question effectively. Essentially, the conceptual focus ensures you answer the question, so it is super important.
I know you mentioned that you aren't sure which ideas to include. Basically, you need to hone in on the most important ones. Keep the focus on landscapes and addressing the question, all other ideas should be excluded!
Work on, for each paragraph, having a single sentence that summarises the main idea each text brings to the table. This goes to the start as your conceptual introduction to that paragraph. Then, every time you analyse the text afterwards, try and link to this idea ;D
I'd suggest some other improvements. Stronger analysis with a greater emphasis on technique, and less textual retell, will definitely improve the essay. Remember, the marker does not need to know what happened in the text/its background, only the ideas it is presenting! You can remove any sentence which doesn't relate to an idea communicated by the composer to the audience; that is the only thing you should be doing.
These are my two big recommendations ;D read the comments and hopefully take these on board, definitely feel free to clarify anything that isn't clear!!
I hope this helps ;D
Post by: studybuddy7777 on July 16, 2016, 08:36:26 am
Hey there study buddy! Since your response to mark is short I thought I'd get it done now as a last mark before I get some rest! Thanks for posting, and hope you enjoyed the lectures!! ;D
QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.
Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. I'd like to see a definition of what you view to inform an individuals mindset, or otherwise a little more depth in some other fashion. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime. Try not to spend too much time just retelling parts of the text. This is unnecessary, and you should focus on presenting your ideas! In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." His conclusion is a very significant one and a perfect example of how beautiful nature can be as well as the power of landscapes to change a mindset. De Botton concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." Ensure that whenever you use a quote from the text, identify the TECHNIQUE within that quote! Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." I like the links you make between the two texts, very nice. This reinforces the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death"
Okay, now what I'll do is give each criteria in turn, and suggest ways to improve your performance in relation to that criteria!
Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text.
Basically, is assessing how clever your ideas are, but more importantly, are you addressing the question. I think you are answering it fairly well, but definitely, the focus could be clearer in places. Ensure that everything is linked back to the question.
Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques.
This is where I think you need a fair bit of work. Remember, when you are discussing the ideas presented by the composers, you must explain how they present it. This means techniques! Your analysis should take the form of TEA:
Technique - Simile, metaphor, alliteration, symbolism, etc: What technique has the composer used to present the idea?
Explain - What idea is being presented and WHY is it important (EG - what does it show about individual mindset)?
Audience - What does the audience learn?
Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
This just relates to how well the speech is written and structured. It is written really well, but I'd like to see a more distinctive Intro/Body/Conclusion structure as you continue to develop it!!
A great start here study buddy!! Keen to see you keep developing it, great work! ;D
Thanks so much for this!! My teacher never really has time/makes time/could be bothered to teach us how to actually structure a speech properly. I will certainly consider the feedback and post a revision on here. This is about half the speech so should I try and improve this part first or go on talking about the other stuff I have to talk about in my speech?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2016, 10:09:24 am
Thanks so much for this!! My teacher never really has time/makes time/could be bothered to teach us how to actually structure a speech properly. I will certainly consider the feedback and post a revision on here. This is about half the speech so should I try and improve this part first or go on talking about the other stuff I have to talk about in my speech?
You are welcome!! ;D I think you should get the whole speech drafted first! That way you can work on it all together, personally I think that is easier.
A speech should be structured very similarly to an essay. It should definitely have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion, just like an essay. Where you have more room for variation is the body; you can have smaller ideas and more of them, ideas can flow naturally into one another in more creative ways, the body of the speech is variable. But you should still introduce it and conclude it in a similar way ;D
Post by: ehatton2016 on July 16, 2016, 01:18:38 pm
That was probably the most comprehensive essay marking I have ever received back!!! SOOOO helpful and I really do appreciate it!!
You guys are awesome!!
Post by: studybuddy7777 on July 16, 2016, 01:43:09 pm
**he says so confidently** ;D ;)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2016, 05:40:13 pm
Ok Jamon thanks for that I will ensure I get the remainder of my speech up for feedback in the next couple of days!!
**he says so confidently** ;D ;)
THANK YOU JAMON!!!
That was probably the most comprehensive essay marking I have ever received back!!! SOOOO helpful and I really do appreciate it!!
You guys are awesome!!
You are welcome guys!! Happy to help ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 01:00:47 am
Hi,
This is my Mod A essay for Tirra Lirra by the River and Tennysons Poetry. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible. It is attached to this message. Also, I was just wondering if there was an AOS thread as well?
Thank you!
Hey Iha!! Your essay is below with your comments in bold, I know your Trials are on Monday so I'll try and keep this feedback focused on only the vital changes to maximise the effectiveness of your work ;D
Spoiler
Compare how Tennyson’s poetry and Tirra Lirra by the River explore truth and happiness.
Truth and happiness are complementary concepts which allow an author to explore related values through intertextual connections. Interesting! Not seen this before, how are they complementary? I'd like to see you elaborate on this a bit further. Alfred Tennyson’s poetry, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel (1978), Tirra Lirra by the River, are dissimilar in terms of context but share a complementary examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness. In spite of the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century, the motive of relaying these societal assumptions that the authors have conveyed is highly similar and eminently influences the audience’s perceptions on these issues. Excellent comparison between the two, sets up the comparative study nicely.. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principal concept being portrayed; the role of truthful self-reflection in allowing the main characters to achieve ultimate happiness. This process is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters and their ability to find truth, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to achieve true happiness and find truth from their past. Solid introduction! I'd like to see you make the second half a little more succinct, and use the extra space to elaborate on your Thesis. On the whole though, this works really well ;D
Most prominently, Tennyson and Anderson explore what is true and false by drawing from the context of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of women. Nice conceptual introduction here! You could try putting the concept in a sentence by itself, but this works well also! In Tirra Lirra by the River, the societal context of Australia and England during the 1970s and post WWII is critical to the progression of the novel. Any techniques that make this evident? The chronological proximity of these time frames enables the reader to identify the shift in gender roles, allowing the identification of their effect on the happiness of women. Technique? Anderson’s characterisation of Nora represents her as a complex and sophisticated woman, having an artistic temperament, her artistic personality creating an intertextual connection between her and Tennyson’s creative poetic style. Nora’s disparate personality conveyed through her being “a backward and innocent girl”, contrasts her time as she is the opposite of what a woman should have reflected in the 1940s. Nice, but again, what techniques are used to accentuate this characterisation? Anderson’s use of the self-monologue declares the truth about the societal standards, successfully enabling the reader’s realisation that it would have an unfavourable consequence on her happiness. Arbitrary gender roles shown through the high modality of Colin’s declarative statement, “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasises the dominating role of men in the workplace during the WWII era. “Colin won’t let me”, expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through diction, creating a persuasive effect, further reinforcing the gender restrictions that she is under and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness. Anderson’s realistic incorporation of the truthful facts that affected women’s lives in the olden context, in Nora’s life, makes the responder ponder about whether it is based on a true story, skillfully exploring the concept of truth. Nice! Use of technique is picking up in this second half of the paragraph. Similarly, Tennyson has created an allegory in “The Lady of Shalott” which acts as his case against established gender roles in the Victorian era. The use of iambic tetrameter creates a sense of urgency, expressing Tennyson’s passion for the issue and thus, his truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. Excellent comparison of the capabilities of form here, very nicely done! The protagonist is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the truth of the Victorian context, the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. This subtle reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora. Through Anderson and Tennyson’s realistic embodiment of the truth in each societal context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative effect that they have on a female’s happiness. A solid paragraph!! I do feel like it is a bit long for the focus to be sustained, you may consider splitting in half at some point. Also be careful to keep the focus on techniques throughout the entire paragraph, and ensure you don't just say what the technique says about the plot/characters, say what it shows the responder about your concept (EG - the negative impact of gender roles).
Memories are subjective, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. This is what I meant before; the separate concept works really well. Tirra Lirra by the River’s Nora successfully portrays the capabilities of selective memories in conquering sadness and self-realisation. Anderson refers to Nora’s memories through the metaphor of a “globe of memory”, indicating her abundance of memories and truth. Thus showing us WHAT about your concept? The metaphor in Nora’s “careful[ness] not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side” represents her high selectivity of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing, indicating that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WWII time that essentially caused her the pain that she does not want to revisit. Great! What does the audience realise about the subjectivity of memories? Despite her preference to not remember her past, the fact that she does not mind “inspecting some of the dark patches…” signifies her desire to end her misery by seeking out the truth. The use of foreshadowing and ellipses constitutes a dramatic pause allowing the reader to anticipate what truth Nora knows about her past, causing her heartache. The high modality in “manipulat[ing] the globe myself” emphasises her strong bias that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness. Diction used for the self-realisation in, “at last I had begun to admit the truth – that my greatest need was not for a baby”, allows Nora’s admittance of the truth, and thus the ability to find a solution to her sadness, leading to happiness. These last few sentences are sophisticated retell; you are explaining how the techniques are applied to the text, but what does this mean for the audience interpretation? Anderson strongly assists the responder to comprehend the significance of subjective memories by giving her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness as a coping mechanism for her hardships. Consider this sentence; does it really add anything to your essay? Or is it just a description of plot? Correspondingly, expressed by Tennyson to communicate a significant truth; the mourning rituals which epitomised an individual’s time of passing in the Victorian era, were the memories that the protagonist obtained of his loved one that helped him in grieving. In spite of the pain that the protagonist feels in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual death of his loved one, remembering them truthfully provides comfort. The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing of a recent event, contrasting with the title, which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. What does this show the audience? This suggests that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving; adeptly promoting Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has for happiness. In “In Memoriam”, the repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “the long unlovely street”, suggesting a protracted period of time spent on the “unlovely street”, a symbol of the distressingly truthful memories that he has confronted in order to lament the absence of his friend. The truthful and loving memories that he has been left with is represented through the emotive language in “such precious relics brought by thee”, implying that these memories he has selected will allow his happiness. I'm feeling like this paragraph is too text focused; try to take a step back, remember it is the composers techniques to communicate the composers ideas! Anaphora in the phrase “ring out” draws an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles, symbolizing the positive effect of recalling factual memories of his friend, thus proficiently sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan them in context of the Victorian era. Through “thro’ truths in manhood darkly join”, Tennyson utilizes religious imagery to present the dichotomous relationship between truth and ignorance, making it relatable to people of that religious time, thus allowing an easier understanding of Tennyson’s values amongst the audience. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson. Another solid paragraph, though I feel this one has slipped too far into focusing on the text. Remember, all techniques and explanations should be around the concept; the text is just the example!! Not enough audience reference in this second half for me.
Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts and aid to enhance the reader’s understanding of the negative effect of the truthfully discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow further understanding of the truth and the attainment of happiness. I'd split that sentence in half, a bit of a mouthful I think! The composers’ analysis of these axiological values accommodate the contextual atmosphere for a comprehensive recognition of the protagonist’s feelings and actions, further assisting a deeper understanding of truth and happiness investigated by Tennyson and Anderson. A solid conclusion on the whole! I think you could do a little more comparison in this last section, compare the sorts of things you've said about both to really hammer the question home.
Truth and happiness are complementary concepts which allow an author to explore related values through intertextual connections. Interesting! Not seen this before, how are they complementary? I'd like to see you elaborate on this a bit further. Alfred Tennyson’s poetry, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel (1978), Tirra Lirra by the River, are dissimilar in terms of context but share a complementary examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness. In spite of the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century, the motive of relaying these societal assumptions that the authors have conveyed is highly similar and eminently influences the audience’s perceptions on these issues. Excellent comparison between the two, sets up the comparative study nicely.. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principal concept being portrayed; the role of truthful self-reflection in allowing the main characters to achieve ultimate happiness. This process is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters and their ability to find truth, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to achieve true happiness and find truth from their past. Solid introduction! I'd like to see you make the second half a little more succinct, and use the extra space to elaborate on your Thesis. On the whole though, this works really well ;D
Most prominently, Tennyson and Anderson explore what is true and false by drawing from the context of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of women. Nice conceptual introduction here! You could try putting the concept in a sentence by itself, but this works well also! In Tirra Lirra by the River, the societal context of Australia and England during the 1970s and post WWII is critical to the progression of the novel. Any techniques that make this evident? The chronological proximity of these time frames enables the reader to identify the shift in gender roles, allowing the identification of their effect on the happiness of women. Technique? Anderson’s characterisation of Nora represents her as a complex and sophisticated woman, having an artistic temperament, her artistic personality creating an intertextual connection between her and Tennyson’s creative poetic style. Nora’s disparate personality conveyed through her being “a backward and innocent girl”, contrasts her time as she is the opposite of what a woman should have reflected in the 1940s. Nice, but again, what techniques are used to accentuate this characterisation? Anderson’s use of the self-monologue declares the truth about the societal standards, successfully enabling the reader’s realisation that it would have an unfavourable consequence on her happiness. Arbitrary gender roles shown through the high modality of Colin’s declarative statement, “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasises the dominating role of men in the workplace during the WWII era. “Colin won’t let me”, expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through diction, creating a persuasive effect, further reinforcing the gender restrictions that she is under and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness. Anderson’s realistic incorporation of the truthful facts that affected women’s lives in the olden context, in Nora’s life, makes the responder ponder about whether it is based on a true story, skillfully exploring the concept of truth. Nice! Use of technique is picking up in this second half of the paragraph. Similarly, Tennyson has created an allegory in “The Lady of Shalott” which acts as his case against established gender roles in the Victorian era. The use of iambic tetrameter creates a sense of urgency, expressing Tennyson’s passion for the issue and thus, his truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. Excellent comparison of the capabilities of form here, very nicely done! The protagonist is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the truth of the Victorian context, the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. This subtle reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora. Through Anderson and Tennyson’s realistic embodiment of the truth in each societal context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative effect that they have on a female’s happiness. A solid paragraph!! I do feel like it is a bit long for the focus to be sustained, you may consider splitting in half at some point. Also be careful to keep the focus on techniques throughout the entire paragraph, and ensure you don't just say what the technique says about the plot/characters, say what it shows the responder about your concept (EG - the negative impact of gender roles).
Memories are subjective, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. This is what I meant before; the separate concept works really well. Tirra Lirra by the River’s Nora successfully portrays the capabilities of selective memories in conquering sadness and self-realisation. Anderson refers to Nora’s memories through the metaphor of a “globe of memory”, indicating her abundance of memories and truth. Thus showing us WHAT about your concept? The metaphor in Nora’s “careful[ness] not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side” represents her high selectivity of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing, indicating that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WWII time that essentially caused her the pain that she does not want to revisit. Great! What does the audience realise about the subjectivity of memories? Despite her preference to not remember her past, the fact that she does not mind “inspecting some of the dark patches…” signifies her desire to end her misery by seeking out the truth. The use of foreshadowing and ellipses constitutes a dramatic pause allowing the reader to anticipate what truth Nora knows about her past, causing her heartache. The high modality in “manipulat[ing] the globe myself” emphasises her strong bias that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness. Diction used for the self-realisation in, “at last I had begun to admit the truth – that my greatest need was not for a baby”, allows Nora’s admittance of the truth, and thus the ability to find a solution to her sadness, leading to happiness. These last few sentences are sophisticated retell; you are explaining how the techniques are applied to the text, but what does this mean for the audience interpretation? Anderson strongly assists the responder to comprehend the significance of subjective memories by giving her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness as a coping mechanism for her hardships. Consider this sentence; does it really add anything to your essay? Or is it just a description of plot? Correspondingly, expressed by Tennyson to communicate a significant truth; the mourning rituals which epitomised an individual’s time of passing in the Victorian era, were the memories that the protagonist obtained of his loved one that helped him in grieving. In spite of the pain that the protagonist feels in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual death of his loved one, remembering them truthfully provides comfort. The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing of a recent event, contrasting with the title, which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. What does this show the audience? This suggests that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving; adeptly promoting Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has for happiness. In “In Memoriam”, the repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “the long unlovely street”, suggesting a protracted period of time spent on the “unlovely street”, a symbol of the distressingly truthful memories that he has confronted in order to lament the absence of his friend. The truthful and loving memories that he has been left with is represented through the emotive language in “such precious relics brought by thee”, implying that these memories he has selected will allow his happiness. I'm feeling like this paragraph is too text focused; try to take a step back, remember it is the composers techniques to communicate the composers ideas! Anaphora in the phrase “ring out” draws an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles, symbolizing the positive effect of recalling factual memories of his friend, thus proficiently sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan them in context of the Victorian era. Through “thro’ truths in manhood darkly join”, Tennyson utilizes religious imagery to present the dichotomous relationship between truth and ignorance, making it relatable to people of that religious time, thus allowing an easier understanding of Tennyson’s values amongst the audience. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson. Another solid paragraph, though I feel this one has slipped too far into focusing on the text. Remember, all techniques and explanations should be around the concept; the text is just the example!! Not enough audience reference in this second half for me.
Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts and aid to enhance the reader’s understanding of the negative effect of the truthfully discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow further understanding of the truth and the attainment of happiness. I'd split that sentence in half, a bit of a mouthful I think! The composers’ analysis of these axiological values accommodate the contextual atmosphere for a comprehensive recognition of the protagonist’s feelings and actions, further assisting a deeper understanding of truth and happiness investigated by Tennyson and Anderson. A solid conclusion on the whole! I think you could do a little more comparison in this last section, compare the sorts of things you've said about both to really hammer the question home.
This is a great Module A essay Iha!! The comparative nature of the essay is set up well in the introduction and sustained reasonably well throughout; I think you need to be drawing a few more links but you are definitely on the right track ;D
I think your intro and conclusion are effective, but your body paragraphs seem a tad long. The sheer length of the paragraphs has meant the conceptual focus of each does not exactly permeate through the entire paragraph, you may consider splitting the two into four somehow! Just for greater purpose of clarity :)
In most sections, you reference techniques really effectively (it took you a bit in the first paragraph to get there though). I'd like to see you do more with those techniques in terms of the audience: What does the use of that technique show the audience about the concept? The concept is key here, and you must prove to the marker that each composer has used techniques to convey an idea(s), and how these ideas and their expression differ due to context. That is the idea of the Module ;D
All that said, my main recommendations for Monday would be a greater integration of audience response to your examples, perhaps a different paragraph structure to make sure the concept sticks throughout the read (shorter), and besides that just general fixes. Oh! And some more comparison between the texts; it is the point of the question, you definitely want to hit that mark as effectively as possible, That's where I'd devote some time tomorrow/today for your Trials if I were you ;D
You definitely have a great piece here; you should go in super confident!! Great work ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 01:36:58 am
Thanks so much! Yeah i can definitely see what you mean about making some of my expressions clearer! Will definitely do that!! Thank you again!
Hey again Justina!! So I had a few people read over this essay for second opinions, and the one sentiment that echoed was clarity of ideas. Ensure that every idea makes sense and is expressed clearly, you may want to relax with your expression a tad, make it a little more simple in order to clarify the concepts you are driving!! So really no different to the original feedback, but I wanted to confirm it ;)
Post by: likeneverbefore on July 17, 2016, 01:45:49 pm
I was wondering whether you could have a look at my Mod C essay (Brave New World and Blade Runner)
I am having a lot of trouble with this module haha...esp. cutting it down. There seems to be so much i need to include!
Aaarghhh the assessments are coming :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time ;D
Jack
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 03:18:31 pm
Hello i have attached my Mod A (Metropolis & 1984) and my mod b (Hamlet)
Thanks Very much
Hey there! Thanks heaps for meeting the post requirements and for your patience, backlog from the lectures hit hard, we are normally much faster ;) I'm marking your Module A essay here, I'll pop your Hamlet essay in the list once you hit 10 posts!! ;D
Spoiler
Lang and Orwell represent different visions of state control. How have these visions been represented and how have they been shaped by the particular social, historical, political and cultural context of each of the composers?
An analysis of the socio-political perspectives presented within a composer’s texts enables readers to establish and distinguish contextual concerns of the erosion of the human spirit and morality. Awesome Thesis! Really like this, I'd like to see you delve into the erosion of human spirit and morality a little more, give me a bit more depth. Through the comparison of Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist film Metropolis (1927) and George Orwell’s political novel 1984 (1949), readers experience a greater understanding of composers’ warning on the issues of their milieu. Composed in the Post-World War I era, Lang criticises the notion of an unrestrained capitalist society exploiting the workers for economic gains and revolutionary technology. Nice contextual introduction, this works well. Conversely, Orwell’s novel, composed in the backdrop of World War II, warns against totalitarian regimes such as those of Stalin and Hitler, which spread fear and paranoia amongst the population as a medium to subjugate their fundamental humanity. Fantastic Thesis! I would like to see a comparative statement at the end, like a, "By comparing these texts, the audience realises ______." Also, consider listing the topics of your paragraphs in this paragraph, I'm looking for themes you'll be discussing.
Metropolis is a critique on society’s technological advancements as an outlet for oppressive power, as capitalists utilise their state control to repress and exploit their workers. Nice Thesis! I'd normally say to separate the text and context, but this works well, I wouldn't change it. Lang demonstrates visions of state control through economic misery and the rise of hyperinflation plaguing the Weimar republic and the effects of this on the populace. The contrast of poverty with the upper classes, superimpositions of the 2 clocks; one 24 hour clock, and the other 10-hour clock demonstrates how the workers class has been denied the rhythm of daylight and night while the 24-hour clock demonstrated a normal clock which is symbolic for the upper class. While this is a good example, you could improve the expression: The use of TECHNIQUE is evident HERE which shows us BLAH. Keep it direct, you went into a little too much detail about the technique itself, which is unimportant. The Marxist understanding of society is apparent as it demonstrates through body language, the vision of dehumanisation as we see the workers walk in sync through the gates, all dressed the same and their faces unable to be seen. What about Marxism is shown here? Good link though. Lang’s accentuates the dehumanising impact of unrestricted mechanisation and hence cautions the social and political body which shows the hands are “cut off” from the utopian plans of the brain. Throughout the German Expressionist film, Lang demonstrates different visions of state control by showing us how the working class has been dehumanised, a concern shaped by his social, historical, political and cultural context. I think this paragraph needs a little more analysis, maybe one more technique, and more links to what the audience learns rather than what the text displays, to make it shine.
While Metropolis demonstrates the society’s technological advancements as an outlet for oppressive power, 1984 also criticises how state control can be shaped by social, historical, political and cultural contexts which followed and were inspired by Hitler and Stalin. Good link to start the paragraph; I'd be linking throughout your paragraphs as well to ensure the comparative part of the essay is achieved. 1984 Is a classic fusion of political fiction and dystopian science-fiction, illuminating and warning against the terrifyingly real and possible dangers of a totalitarian society. What elements suggest this? Orwell demonstrates state control in this novel through symbolism of power by referring to “Big brother” as the head and controller of everyone. Technique? The Post World War II period was characterised by the advent of nuclear warfare, the pervasive presence of political surveillance and the concept of total war, effectively placing individual lives in a constant state of jeopardy. Good contextual link, but try to make it link to your text somehow; how is this context evident in choices made by the composer? Through the use of negative connotations, Orwell illustrates how the political and societal dynamics in Oceania and Nazi Germany as shown in the explicit phrase “What was worse of all was that by means of such organizations as the spices they were systematically turned into ungovernable little savages”. Try to find more effective techniques than "explicit phrase," they are there! The symbolic phrase “Winston kept his back turned to the telescreen.” Symbolizes how the parties constant monitoring of its subjects is an abuse of power and technology. What does the audience learn from this? Through Orwell's political novel, we see how the state control is a powerful thing and is moulded by culture, social, political and historical context. Solid paragraph, I'm looking for a few more techniques, and again, more audience impact.
Influenced by the large social divide between the bourgeoisie and proletariat in the early 20th century, Metropolis presents a dystopian society that rejects moral and ethical values underpinned by the growing capitalist influence. Very nice start. The use of close up shots of both maria and Freder staring at each other for the first time delivers a sense of empathy and love and established the human desire and emotion of the plot. The motif of “Hands” illustrates how Rotwang sacrificed his right hand in creating false Maria while also manhandles Pure Maria with his right hand which demonstrates corruptive power invested in Rotwang. Try to separate the concept you are pushing from the text, like, the technique should show a concept that doesn't need the text to explain. Separate yourself from the text itself and purely use the techniques, reference the example, and explain. EG - The hand motif evident in key scenes throughout the film demonstrates notions of corruptive power, which shows the audience..." Orwell’s use of low angle shots illustrated in the scene where false Maria dances erotically for the elite class symbolises the growing power in in False Maria’ while she manipulates the elite class. This demonstrates the corruptive power which leads to the destruction of the town. Lang’s productions of Metropolis allows the audience to interpret his perspective of state control. Good paragraph, if only a little short, be sure to step away from the text when explaining your concepts! The text is literally there to point to as an example, it is separate to your concepts, try to maintain that distinction.
While Metropolis critiques the social divide between the bourgeoisie and proletarians, 1984 critiques how the party is able to repress individual thought through mechanisms. In Orwell's novel, Winston gets caught for not following The Party’s demand and thought crime which results in him to be touched then be re-educated. This is textual retell, you don't need to tell the marker what happened in the text! The phase “Doublethink goes on forever. With the truth always one step ahead of you.” This allows the audience to create an opinion on how the party tries to shape the individuals. Technique? While paradox in the phrase “Freedom is Slavery, War is peace, Ignorance is strength” contains an element of the truth and then contradicts itself demonstrating how the citizens cannot think how they want to but how the party believes. , thus, demonstrating the dehumanization and lack of freedom of human beings. Good. The symbolism of the party last phrase “He loved Big Brother” critiques how humans can be broken down and believe everything you tell him however it also carries a positive message demonstrating the effort and dedication and time that has been placing to break the guy in the first place. The second half of this analysis falls back into the text, see how the phrase "humans can be broken down..." is completely independent of the text, it is something that stands by itself. Through the power demonstrated by big brother, we see how people are made to believe that are false but the party manipulates them into believing it showing the state control enforced in this text.
Both Lang’s “Metropolis” and Orwell's “1984” are variation of utopian and dystopian science fiction which comes to the realisation that state control is dehumanizing as it is shaped by the leads thoughts and beliefs. Both these texts are influenced by historical and political context involving the strong WW1 and the effects of Hitler and Stalin. Try extrapolating this conclusion a little more, it should be a little longer (re-explain your Thesis, identify the themes you've discussed, etc. etc.)
An analysis of the socio-political perspectives presented within a composer’s texts enables readers to establish and distinguish contextual concerns of the erosion of the human spirit and morality. Awesome Thesis! Really like this, I'd like to see you delve into the erosion of human spirit and morality a little more, give me a bit more depth. Through the comparison of Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist film Metropolis (1927) and George Orwell’s political novel 1984 (1949), readers experience a greater understanding of composers’ warning on the issues of their milieu. Composed in the Post-World War I era, Lang criticises the notion of an unrestrained capitalist society exploiting the workers for economic gains and revolutionary technology. Nice contextual introduction, this works well. Conversely, Orwell’s novel, composed in the backdrop of World War II, warns against totalitarian regimes such as those of Stalin and Hitler, which spread fear and paranoia amongst the population as a medium to subjugate their fundamental humanity. Fantastic Thesis! I would like to see a comparative statement at the end, like a, "By comparing these texts, the audience realises ______." Also, consider listing the topics of your paragraphs in this paragraph, I'm looking for themes you'll be discussing.
Metropolis is a critique on society’s technological advancements as an outlet for oppressive power, as capitalists utilise their state control to repress and exploit their workers. Nice Thesis! I'd normally say to separate the text and context, but this works well, I wouldn't change it. Lang demonstrates visions of state control through economic misery and the rise of hyperinflation plaguing the Weimar republic and the effects of this on the populace. The contrast of poverty with the upper classes, superimpositions of the 2 clocks; one 24 hour clock, and the other 10-hour clock demonstrates how the workers class has been denied the rhythm of daylight and night while the 24-hour clock demonstrated a normal clock which is symbolic for the upper class. While this is a good example, you could improve the expression: The use of TECHNIQUE is evident HERE which shows us BLAH. Keep it direct, you went into a little too much detail about the technique itself, which is unimportant. The Marxist understanding of society is apparent as it demonstrates through body language, the vision of dehumanisation as we see the workers walk in sync through the gates, all dressed the same and their faces unable to be seen. What about Marxism is shown here? Good link though. Lang’s accentuates the dehumanising impact of unrestricted mechanisation and hence cautions the social and political body which shows the hands are “cut off” from the utopian plans of the brain. Throughout the German Expressionist film, Lang demonstrates different visions of state control by showing us how the working class has been dehumanised, a concern shaped by his social, historical, political and cultural context. I think this paragraph needs a little more analysis, maybe one more technique, and more links to what the audience learns rather than what the text displays, to make it shine.
While Metropolis demonstrates the society’s technological advancements as an outlet for oppressive power, 1984 also criticises how state control can be shaped by social, historical, political and cultural contexts which followed and were inspired by Hitler and Stalin. Good link to start the paragraph; I'd be linking throughout your paragraphs as well to ensure the comparative part of the essay is achieved. 1984 Is a classic fusion of political fiction and dystopian science-fiction, illuminating and warning against the terrifyingly real and possible dangers of a totalitarian society. What elements suggest this? Orwell demonstrates state control in this novel through symbolism of power by referring to “Big brother” as the head and controller of everyone. Technique? The Post World War II period was characterised by the advent of nuclear warfare, the pervasive presence of political surveillance and the concept of total war, effectively placing individual lives in a constant state of jeopardy. Good contextual link, but try to make it link to your text somehow; how is this context evident in choices made by the composer? Through the use of negative connotations, Orwell illustrates how the political and societal dynamics in Oceania and Nazi Germany as shown in the explicit phrase “What was worse of all was that by means of such organizations as the spices they were systematically turned into ungovernable little savages”. Try to find more effective techniques than "explicit phrase," they are there! The symbolic phrase “Winston kept his back turned to the telescreen.” Symbolizes how the parties constant monitoring of its subjects is an abuse of power and technology. What does the audience learn from this? Through Orwell's political novel, we see how the state control is a powerful thing and is moulded by culture, social, political and historical context. Solid paragraph, I'm looking for a few more techniques, and again, more audience impact.
Influenced by the large social divide between the bourgeoisie and proletariat in the early 20th century, Metropolis presents a dystopian society that rejects moral and ethical values underpinned by the growing capitalist influence. Very nice start. The use of close up shots of both maria and Freder staring at each other for the first time delivers a sense of empathy and love and established the human desire and emotion of the plot. The motif of “Hands” illustrates how Rotwang sacrificed his right hand in creating false Maria while also manhandles Pure Maria with his right hand which demonstrates corruptive power invested in Rotwang. Try to separate the concept you are pushing from the text, like, the technique should show a concept that doesn't need the text to explain. Separate yourself from the text itself and purely use the techniques, reference the example, and explain. EG - The hand motif evident in key scenes throughout the film demonstrates notions of corruptive power, which shows the audience..." Orwell’s use of low angle shots illustrated in the scene where false Maria dances erotically for the elite class symbolises the growing power in in False Maria’ while she manipulates the elite class. This demonstrates the corruptive power which leads to the destruction of the town. Lang’s productions of Metropolis allows the audience to interpret his perspective of state control. Good paragraph, if only a little short, be sure to step away from the text when explaining your concepts! The text is literally there to point to as an example, it is separate to your concepts, try to maintain that distinction.
While Metropolis critiques the social divide between the bourgeoisie and proletarians, 1984 critiques how the party is able to repress individual thought through mechanisms. In Orwell's novel, Winston gets caught for not following The Party’s demand and thought crime which results in him to be touched then be re-educated. This is textual retell, you don't need to tell the marker what happened in the text! The phase “Doublethink goes on forever. With the truth always one step ahead of you.” This allows the audience to create an opinion on how the party tries to shape the individuals. Technique? While paradox in the phrase “Freedom is Slavery, War is peace, Ignorance is strength” contains an element of the truth and then contradicts itself demonstrating how the citizens cannot think how they want to but how the party believes. , thus, demonstrating the dehumanization and lack of freedom of human beings. Good. The symbolism of the party last phrase “He loved Big Brother” critiques how humans can be broken down and believe everything you tell him however it also carries a positive message demonstrating the effort and dedication and time that has been placing to break the guy in the first place. The second half of this analysis falls back into the text, see how the phrase "humans can be broken down..." is completely independent of the text, it is something that stands by itself. Through the power demonstrated by big brother, we see how people are made to believe that are false but the party manipulates them into believing it showing the state control enforced in this text.
Both Lang’s “Metropolis” and Orwell's “1984” are variation of utopian and dystopian science fiction which comes to the realisation that state control is dehumanizing as it is shaped by the leads thoughts and beliefs. Both these texts are influenced by historical and political context involving the strong WW1 and the effects of Hitler and Stalin. Try extrapolating this conclusion a little more, it should be a little longer (re-explain your Thesis, identify the themes you've discussed, etc. etc.)
This is a really great essay!! I love your contextual links, you make it really clear that the texts were composed within a context, which is super important in this module. Your Thesis? Phenomenal, super succinct, I'd like a tad more depth but the premise is wonderful. Ditto for your conceptual statements for each paragraph, your paragraphs get a clear direction and are concluded well, everything makes a nice little package. Super great ;D
A few suggestions, first of all, your techniques. Your techniques are pretty good, but they are a bit general (explicit phrase, etc.). Try and make sure that:
a) Every quote has an associated technique
b) Your techniques are varied. This is super important, because it shows that you've considered different things that the composer has done to create meaning.
More powerful techniques and more frequent reference to them would make your response more powerful.
Secondly, more comparison. This is the comparative study; try and add some references throughout the paragraphs to the other text to make the similarities and differences known to the reader. This is vital, especially when you have the texts in separate paragraphs.
Some other suggestions are commented (more reference to audience, less text focused response, etc.), but these are the two big things I'd suggest.
All that said, this is a great essay that answers the question well, an awesome foundation to build upon, great work!! ;D
Post by: liiz on July 17, 2016, 03:44:18 pm
Hey there liiz!! I'd love to have a look over it, and I'll keep an eye out for things to cut for you (if anything is definitely worth trimming for me I'll strike it out) ;DSpoilerWhilst control is fundamental to gaining power over individuals and groups in society, it has often been deleterious throughout history, resulting in repression and dehumanisation. Love this Thesis! I'd add something about how this notion of control is a popular topic for composers, link interest of audience, blah blah, before going into your texts! Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) explore this excessive control at the extremes of autocratic and totalitarian regimes. Awesome! As the film and novel elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment respectively, responders can gain a greater appreciation of how social and historical perspectives held at the time, shape and influence meaning within the didactic texts. By means of a comparative study, audiences further enrich their understanding of unrestricted control as a destructive influence on society, especially when paired with technology. Near faultless Liiz, seriously great. Adapt it to whatever question is in front of you and you will have a winner.
The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis. Lang’s 1927 silent film draws parallels to the composer’s era following WWI, where authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Influenced by German expressionism, the art-deco set design of the upper echelons of society incorporates bright opens spaces and bold geometric shapes whilst the conditions underground are dark, bleak and overcrowded. Through this clever cinematography, Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the classes and enables audiences to visually conceptualise how the decadence of the city is built, quite literally, on inequality. Ha, I love it. Brilliant indeed, you could rework it slightly to be more consequential for the audience (EG - not just noticing something about the text itself, but learning something about the abuse of power FROM the text). Whilst such a futuristic metropolis was not seen in Germany at the time, the film sought inspiration from the vast physical dimensions of expanding western cities, such as New York. To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation and power at the expense of others. You are writing extremely well; if you need length trimmed, your challenge is to be more succinct! For example, try blending these past two sentences into one! This is evinced by the worker’s exhausted bodies trudging in stylised and synchronised columns to repetitious non-diegetic music. Furthermore, the biblical iconography of the “Tower of Babel” is used to establish Fredersen’s omnipotent status and subsequently aid in Lang’s criticism of capitalist values. You are blending context into this essay absolutely magnificently! The intertitle of “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation, and enables audiences to identify man’s hubris at the forefront of an autocratic leadership. Whilst the struggle between the classes is made apparent, Metropolis depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of the “hands that build” and “minds that plan.” As Freder eventually becomes the mediator, the film’s optimistic ending reflects the ideology of mutual cooperation that was beginning to take shape in Europe. Hence, Lang gives an insight into the changing values of his society as the imperial government was replaced by a form of representative democracy (Weimar Republic). This offers audiences a sense of hope in the struggle against power imbalances as oppressed individuals actively attain some control over their lives. Thus, Metropolis provides a strong case for how context can influence meaning and deepen audience's understanding of control. Again, absolutely fantastic Liiz, seriously wonderful. I'd like to see you adapting your analysis in terms of the audience ever so slightly, shifting the focus from "observing something within the text" to "learning something about the concept." This is more powerful, because it shows that the audience gains a new understanding beyond the text itself. You are doing it already, but try to implement it even more.
Similarly, Orwell’s 1949 prose novel, enriches audiences understanding of how control can impact negatively on society. However, 1984 does not provide any effective redress to the rigid society as Lang’s film, produced 20 years prior, does. Following the fascist and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell captures a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Any examples or techniques to demonstrate this? Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any freedom of thought. As a result, readers are confronted by the authoritarian regimes and their ability to weaken the strength and independence of individual’s minds. Great link to audience. Orwell’s use of chiasmus in “who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” cements the image, as reflected in Metropolis, of a domineering and powerful world. Good inter-textual link here. Since this is the Comparative Study, I'd like to see more of this! Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were their slaves” warns how the excessive use of control contributes to the repression and subjugation of the masses. As Orwell reflects upon the happenings of WWII, he highlights how the fear within individuals and “herd mentality” was often too strong to question the imbalances of power and control. This is communicated through the imperative and emphatic language of the propaganda in 1984 - “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” - which no individual dares to refute, despite being blatantly oxymoronic to readers. This representation can be accounted for by Orwell’s observation of propaganda in mass media as well as the corruption of language for political power during his time. Your frequent links to context are really great, keep this up. Furthermore, “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic” vividly describes the unavoidable nature of indoctrination by the stronger powers, reminiscent of the events of WWII. and reinforces the oppression of individuals. Any technique attached to that quote? I have just realised your quotes are chewing a sizeable part of your word count: Try working on trimming them to only what is necessary to exemplify the technique. With a climate of fear in London and states run by totalitarian dictators prevalent during Orwell’s era, 1984 mirrors an oppressive regime as inherently dangerous for societal relations and individuals as leaders employ absolute and incessant power. Therefore, both 1984 and Metropolis, despite different contextual foundations, have enriched responder’s understanding of excessive control to be a detrimental influence on society, dividing the hegemonic forces and repressed. Another great paragraph here! At this point I'll recommend some more links between your two texts: I'm not getting too much comparison at this stage.
Such ramifications of injurious control are only seen to be exacerbated through technology, as explored in Metropolis. Nitpick: Try to mention the composer before the text. Consider it this way: We can say a Harry Potter is awesome, and it is, but really it is JK Rowling who is amazing. She should go first. Same here, putting the composer first implicitly establishes the fact that you notice the composer as the creator of the text, the text is just the medium for THEIR ideas. Whilst the technological advances represent 20th century achievements, Lang illustrates his deeper concern for humanity. What founds these concerns? A low angle shot makes viewers feel intimidated by the monstrous Moloch machine. Does this have any further relevance for modern audiences?The ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape with the assistance of increasingly dramatic music.Thus showing us what? This feels unnecessary in comparison to the power behind the rest of your analysis. As workers are devoured to appease the autocratic leadership, the confronting scene evokes an emotional response from audiences. What emotion? Lang communicates the merging of the pagan past with a capitalist present as the masses are still exploited to meet the needs of the powerful elite and fuel the industrial progress. The workers become dehumanised and degraded as their movements within a mid shot continue to be as robotic as the machines they tend, blurring the line between man and machine for audiences. Hence, the repressive nature of control and its ability to eradicate individualism through technology is conveyed. Additionally, as Lang dramatises the Marxist struggle of the underclass, the dangers of technology become a contextual trigger for moral degradation and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, symbolises how the authority of man and “workers of the future” may be usurped by machines.Again, is this all the more relevant for modern audiences? The montage of amourous hands and eyes of men as they observe her dance sequences convey society’s desire for such technology, and its ability to corrupt individuals by controlling their actions. Fantastic. When Cyborg Maria incites a chaotic revolt amongst the suppressed workers, wide angle shots capture the destruction to the city and effectively communicate the potentially ruinous force of technology. Be careful not to slip too much into textual retell. As such, Lang’s contextual perspective on rebellion and lack of individual power as a result of technology in Metropolis have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of control. Don't let my comments fool you: Another fantastic paragraph! Just small things to make it shine ;)
Comparably, Orwell develops readers understanding of control to have a dehumanising effect when exercised through technology in 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” Don't go low modality for your points; The posters ARE resembling Hitler and Stalin, because you say they are! The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police, enabling responders to feel empathy for the subjugated and repressed masses. Fantastic. Orwell’s fear for technology, prompted by his era, was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. This is communicated through the emphatic and direct language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” Those previous two sentences are another candidate for being more succinct: Try to blend them into one!As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead.” Similarly to Metropolis, the controlling nature of technology acts as a catalyst for Winston’s rebellion.These last two sentences only have consequence for the text: None for the audience and none for the concept. You can remove them! However, it is quickly undermined through torture and the Party’s “victory” over the protagonist is confirmed as “he loved Big Brother.” As Winston repeats “2+2=5”, audiences understand that he has lost touch with the reality he once defended, revealing the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and implicit ways control can be employed through technology in 1984, resulting in the dehumanisation of man, as similarly explored by Metropolis. Yet again, extremely effective paragraph.
Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are derived from the societies of their time through contextual perspectives. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, repressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of control, and it’s employment through technology, to be a powerful and often damaging influence on both social relations and the nature of humanity. Great conclusion as well! I'd like to see you re-word your Thesis and stick it at the start of this conclusion, that would make it shine for me ;D
Liiz, this is an absolutely fantastic response. Introduction and conclusion are both nearly faultless, and the structure of your ideas is also fantastically logical. Your analysis is powerful, varied and audience focused, and context is integrated fantastically.
You submitted a version of this essay just over a month ago for marking. Seeing the difference, it is absolutely mind blowing how much it has improved. You should be seriously, seriously proud, because this response is wonderful.
All that said, I can still recommend a few changes. It's my job ;)
If you are looking for trims, I have two ideas. One (and I did this in a place or two), go through every paragraph and find sentences that aren't directly linked to either the audience, or the context. Consider, why is it there? If you don't have an answer, ditch it ;) also, be sure to only give the part of your quote that illustrates the technique you need, that might trim some words as well ;D
I'd also advise you to consider how you frame your audience links. Sometimes you are identifying things the audience learns about the concept, which is perfect. Other times, you just show what a technique has showed the audience about the text itself. This is less effective. Focus on the concept when you can!! ;D
Finally (and this is probably the most important) some more comparisons between the texts integrated throughout the paragraphs. This is the comparative module, so you need to be regularly comparing how the two texts explore similar ideas. The two paragraphs do this reasonably, but integrating comments throughout will make this stronger. Super important!!
All that said, this response is fantastic, and you should feel super confident with it heading into Trials, fantastic work!! ;D
Thankyou so much Jamon!!! Honestly, can't be more appreciative of your help. I'll definitely fix up those little things, but I am now feeling a lot more confident for trials!!!! haha seriously saving my life :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 07:07:35 pm
Hi!
This is my Mod B essay for Hamlet. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible.
Thank you!
Hey again Iha! I know your Trials start tomorrow, so before anything, good luck!! ;D hopefully your Paper 2 is not until Tuesday and you can make some decent use of this feedback ;D
Note that you also don't currently have the required post count to get your Module C essay marked (I'm just marking the first ones posted). AoS Essay, Creative, and two modules is what's been marked for your 20 posts ;D I've deleted your Module C essay from earlier, purely because it is falling too far behind in the thread with all the replies, my fault, not yours! Feel free to post it back up again for feedback once you get to that 25 post mark ;D
All that said, essay attached with feedback throughout!
Spoiler
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” addresses the uncertainty of human existence, presenting discussions about the state of one’s identification when confronted with these ambivalent situations. Try to start your essays with a conceptual statement completely separate from the text, in your case, something about the uncertainty of human existence. Only then bring in your text as an example. Shakespeare therefore asserts a multifaceted analysis of the somber aspect of human nature; portraying the critical role identity and death play within the indecisiveness that characterises the decision to take action versus avoiding it. This pragmatic depiction of the indecisiveness of an individual through Shakespeare’s characters is the ultimate encapsulation of humanity’s often personal frailties, perhaps being the reason as to “Hamlet’s” popularity amongst readers of all societal contexts, and raising opinions of critics like Maynard Mack to argue that humans will remain in an “aspect of bafflement moving on a rampart between two worlds”. Fabulous!! Great stuff here. Through the conveying of the characters’ imperfections within the social and political landscape of the play, Shakespeare has confronted his audience with explicit criticism of the subjectivity of human identification and death when faced with uncertainties. Love this introduction! A more conceptual Thesis is all I'd like to see, and perhaps a list of the themes to be explored in the essay.
Shakespeare’s confrontation of these ideas in “Hamlet” is primarily expressed through the subversion of societal ideals he viewed as limited or discriminatory; the stringent criteria applied by Elizabethan England to identity and its make up being the overarching example. Again, I'd like to see a more conceptual start to each paragraph. Remember, the text is just an example of how the composer portrays the concept; the concept is key! Shakespeare embodies his disagreement with his society’s popular view on identity initially through his critique of the Great Chain of Being. His creation of a parody of the Chain demonstrates its detrimental effect through the analogy that Gertrude is “a beast that wants discourse of reason”. Furthermore, his utilization of the figurative language in Hamlet’s fourth soliloquy, establishes Shakespeare’s dumbfounded view of the bizarre interpretations of identity made by his society, where he complies with the “rules” of the Chain by identifying a man as “a beast no more” if he is “but to sleep and feed”. Excellent analysis with links to Shakespeare's context, very effective. Moreover, Shakespeare has connected Hamlet’s characterisation as an indecisive man in the Renaissance context to his identification as a Christian. His use of a pseudo-religious allusion as he is “prompted to revenge by heaven and hell” emphasizes the crucial role of identity in deciding whether or not to act, especially in the subtext of revengeful death, raising questions about our own personal reasons as to why we do and don’t do certain things in our lives. Good connection to the modern audience there too, excellent so far! Shakespeare’s clear depiction of the role of identity within the difficulty of deciding whether to take action or not has allowed critics such as Goethe to agree with him, stating that “Hamlet is a man unfit for the task of revenge due to his identification”. Little expression issue there; simplify it a little, just say critics agree with this interpretation, with Goethe arguing ... In addition, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hamlet has presented the important role of identity in the underlying motivation for human actions, deconstructing the complexity of human nature which he believed his society was oblivious to. Furthermore, Hamlet’s decision to finally take action in Act 5, Scene 2, sees a change from first person to third within his dialogue. The previous repetition of “I” no longer exists, and is used by Shakespeare to challenge his society’s view of a universal identity consisting of loyalty and trust. Try to make those last two sentences into one to make it more succinct, and more importantly, to shift yourself away from retell. He explains that for a man living in the Elizabethan context to partake in such an unordinary activity, murder, one must be selfish and abandon their identity in order to complete the action without any moral or conscious behaviour to interrupt. Be sure that each paragraph has a conclusion. "Thus, the audience learns that Shakespeare was cool.", even something simple like that (obviously more, well, relevant than what I wrote ;))
Shakespeare’s subversive view of the relevancy of identity is expanded upon in his play by introducing the inevitability of death and the lack of identity remaining afterwards. My interpretation suggests that Hamlet’s main moral was to assert the irrelevancy of identity once death occurs, suggesting that death is the ultimate equaliser. My personal preference is to avoid the words "my" and "I" in essays like the plague. Even though we seek your interpretation, this comes across naturally as you are writing. I recommend you should stick to the academic writing style required in an essay such as this. The fatalism Shakespeare has portrayed within “Hamlet” is therefore essential in comprehending the complexities relating to taking action and inaction. Shakespeare characterises the main protagonist, Hamlet, to be obsessed with death from the opening scene, in which Hamlet ponders the spiritual consequences of death, symbolised by the ghost of Hamlet’s father. Slipped into textual retell there, and further, what techniques were used to characterise Hamlet in this way? The didactic worm’s meat motif dictated in Hamlet’s dialogue regarding the dead Polonius’ presence at supper, “worms are e’en at him”, effectively describes the end result of all bodies, regardless of status. I reckon you could use that example for something more powerful than just what happens to bodies, link it back to your first sentence about the decay of identity? This is further reinforced with the repetition of “we” and objectification of humans as “dishes” in Hamlet’s metaphorical dialogue, “we fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots. Your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service—two dishes, but to one table”, as the great chain of being is eradicated. Shorten that quote; you don't need all of it! Dwery’s reading of the play supports this idea as he discusses that “Hamlet recognises the inevitability of death, accepting his father’s death and recognising his own unavoidable fate”. Shakespeare has further stressed this point in Act 1 Scene 2 through Gertrude’s dialogue in which she foreshadows that “thou know ‘tis common, all that lives must die”. In conjunction, yorick’s skull symbolises the contemplation of death that even the greatest of humans are subjected to. It is this commonplace truth that is held up as a characteristic of human existence by Shakespeare. A solid paragraph on the whole, but I think your analysis could be stronger. What does the audience learn about the inevitability of death, for example? Remember the audience (including yourself) is a big part of this Module, as you are seeking to portray how effectively ideas are portrayed to their intended audience.
The indecisiveness of an individual to take action or to not take action, due to reasons unforeseen, is highly evidenced by Shakespeare to extrapolate his belief that justice should be the driving force of any participation in an action. Perhaps Shakespeare’s intent for the concluding moral of the play about action is that conclusively, it should be advised by a sense of legitimate reasoning. Make your arguments high modality, no "perhaps," be confident with your points! Freud’s acknowledgment of this reality that “the play is built up on Hamlet’s hesitations over fulfilling the task of revenge that is assigned to him, but its text offers no reasons or motives for these hesitations”, indicates the success of Shakespeare’s portrayal of the lack of a noble justification behind individual actions, leading to their indecisiveness. Hamlet’s best chance to kill Claudius is expressed in his resolute diction, “now might I do it pat”, where he convinces the audience of his decision to finally take action. So this is a good technique and link to audience, but what is it saying conceptually? Not much, just linking to the texts plot itself. Try to go WIDER, what does the audience learn about the CONCEPT, not the text. However, Shakespeare’s symbolic representation of the murderous motion, describes the action as “hire and salary”, and thus, it is this lack of justification behind the senseless action that restricts Hamlet, and results in his inaction. Technique? Shakespeare’s demonstration of the effect of justice-deficient motives, resulting in the difficulty in deciding whether to take action or not, is additionally supported within Hamlet’s consideration of suicide as a ‘solution’; however his indecisiveness is portrayed through the soliloquy in Act 3 Scene 1, in which he rhetorically states, “to be or not to be, that is the question”. Techniques in the first half? What is the significance of this very famous line, conceptually? Through Shakespeare’s depiction of Hamlet’s complex character, he has successfully asserted his belief in the need for justification in order to not be confronted with the uncertainty of one’s actions and the reflection of their identity and overall existence. I'm not quite getting the 'justice' part of the concept in this paragraph. Definitely getting the indecisiveness, but try and push how justice comes in a little more strongly.
In summation, the continual tension between action and inaction as a result of the complexities of identification and the sensitive issue of death and it’s connections with revenge, has been successfully portrayed by Shakespeare throughout his dramatic play, “Hamlet”. My interpretation accentuates an individual’s oscillation between taking and resisting action due to lack of justification, the supplementary role that identity and inevitable death have within this indecision and the uncertainty it creates of one’s existence. Good conclusion on the whole! However, it is missing a few key pieces; go back to your Thesis and look at the things you mentioned about context, and how you stated your Thesis in the introduction. Your conclusion should follow that closely!
Shakespeare’s confrontation of these ideas in “Hamlet” is primarily expressed through the subversion of societal ideals he viewed as limited or discriminatory; the stringent criteria applied by Elizabethan England to identity and its make up being the overarching example. Again, I'd like to see a more conceptual start to each paragraph. Remember, the text is just an example of how the composer portrays the concept; the concept is key! Shakespeare embodies his disagreement with his society’s popular view on identity initially through his critique of the Great Chain of Being. His creation of a parody of the Chain demonstrates its detrimental effect through the analogy that Gertrude is “a beast that wants discourse of reason”. Furthermore, his utilization of the figurative language in Hamlet’s fourth soliloquy, establishes Shakespeare’s dumbfounded view of the bizarre interpretations of identity made by his society, where he complies with the “rules” of the Chain by identifying a man as “a beast no more” if he is “but to sleep and feed”. Excellent analysis with links to Shakespeare's context, very effective. Moreover, Shakespeare has connected Hamlet’s characterisation as an indecisive man in the Renaissance context to his identification as a Christian. His use of a pseudo-religious allusion as he is “prompted to revenge by heaven and hell” emphasizes the crucial role of identity in deciding whether or not to act, especially in the subtext of revengeful death, raising questions about our own personal reasons as to why we do and don’t do certain things in our lives. Good connection to the modern audience there too, excellent so far! Shakespeare’s clear depiction of the role of identity within the difficulty of deciding whether to take action or not has allowed critics such as Goethe to agree with him, stating that “Hamlet is a man unfit for the task of revenge due to his identification”. Little expression issue there; simplify it a little, just say critics agree with this interpretation, with Goethe arguing ... In addition, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hamlet has presented the important role of identity in the underlying motivation for human actions, deconstructing the complexity of human nature which he believed his society was oblivious to. Furthermore, Hamlet’s decision to finally take action in Act 5, Scene 2, sees a change from first person to third within his dialogue. The previous repetition of “I” no longer exists, and is used by Shakespeare to challenge his society’s view of a universal identity consisting of loyalty and trust. Try to make those last two sentences into one to make it more succinct, and more importantly, to shift yourself away from retell. He explains that for a man living in the Elizabethan context to partake in such an unordinary activity, murder, one must be selfish and abandon their identity in order to complete the action without any moral or conscious behaviour to interrupt. Be sure that each paragraph has a conclusion. "Thus, the audience learns that Shakespeare was cool.", even something simple like that (obviously more, well, relevant than what I wrote ;))
Shakespeare’s subversive view of the relevancy of identity is expanded upon in his play by introducing the inevitability of death and the lack of identity remaining afterwards. My interpretation suggests that Hamlet’s main moral was to assert the irrelevancy of identity once death occurs, suggesting that death is the ultimate equaliser. My personal preference is to avoid the words "my" and "I" in essays like the plague. Even though we seek your interpretation, this comes across naturally as you are writing. I recommend you should stick to the academic writing style required in an essay such as this. The fatalism Shakespeare has portrayed within “Hamlet” is therefore essential in comprehending the complexities relating to taking action and inaction. Shakespeare characterises the main protagonist, Hamlet, to be obsessed with death from the opening scene, in which Hamlet ponders the spiritual consequences of death, symbolised by the ghost of Hamlet’s father. Slipped into textual retell there, and further, what techniques were used to characterise Hamlet in this way? The didactic worm’s meat motif dictated in Hamlet’s dialogue regarding the dead Polonius’ presence at supper, “worms are e’en at him”, effectively describes the end result of all bodies, regardless of status. I reckon you could use that example for something more powerful than just what happens to bodies, link it back to your first sentence about the decay of identity? This is further reinforced with the repetition of “we” and objectification of humans as “dishes” in Hamlet’s metaphorical dialogue, “we fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots. Your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service—two dishes, but to one table”, as the great chain of being is eradicated. Shorten that quote; you don't need all of it! Dwery’s reading of the play supports this idea as he discusses that “Hamlet recognises the inevitability of death, accepting his father’s death and recognising his own unavoidable fate”. Shakespeare has further stressed this point in Act 1 Scene 2 through Gertrude’s dialogue in which she foreshadows that “thou know ‘tis common, all that lives must die”. In conjunction, yorick’s skull symbolises the contemplation of death that even the greatest of humans are subjected to. It is this commonplace truth that is held up as a characteristic of human existence by Shakespeare. A solid paragraph on the whole, but I think your analysis could be stronger. What does the audience learn about the inevitability of death, for example? Remember the audience (including yourself) is a big part of this Module, as you are seeking to portray how effectively ideas are portrayed to their intended audience.
The indecisiveness of an individual to take action or to not take action, due to reasons unforeseen, is highly evidenced by Shakespeare to extrapolate his belief that justice should be the driving force of any participation in an action. Perhaps Shakespeare’s intent for the concluding moral of the play about action is that conclusively, it should be advised by a sense of legitimate reasoning. Make your arguments high modality, no "perhaps," be confident with your points! Freud’s acknowledgment of this reality that “the play is built up on Hamlet’s hesitations over fulfilling the task of revenge that is assigned to him, but its text offers no reasons or motives for these hesitations”, indicates the success of Shakespeare’s portrayal of the lack of a noble justification behind individual actions, leading to their indecisiveness. Hamlet’s best chance to kill Claudius is expressed in his resolute diction, “now might I do it pat”, where he convinces the audience of his decision to finally take action. So this is a good technique and link to audience, but what is it saying conceptually? Not much, just linking to the texts plot itself. Try to go WIDER, what does the audience learn about the CONCEPT, not the text. However, Shakespeare’s symbolic representation of the murderous motion, describes the action as “hire and salary”, and thus, it is this lack of justification behind the senseless action that restricts Hamlet, and results in his inaction. Technique? Shakespeare’s demonstration of the effect of justice-deficient motives, resulting in the difficulty in deciding whether to take action or not, is additionally supported within Hamlet’s consideration of suicide as a ‘solution’; however his indecisiveness is portrayed through the soliloquy in Act 3 Scene 1, in which he rhetorically states, “to be or not to be, that is the question”. Techniques in the first half? What is the significance of this very famous line, conceptually? Through Shakespeare’s depiction of Hamlet’s complex character, he has successfully asserted his belief in the need for justification in order to not be confronted with the uncertainty of one’s actions and the reflection of their identity and overall existence. I'm not quite getting the 'justice' part of the concept in this paragraph. Definitely getting the indecisiveness, but try and push how justice comes in a little more strongly.
In summation, the continual tension between action and inaction as a result of the complexities of identification and the sensitive issue of death and it’s connections with revenge, has been successfully portrayed by Shakespeare throughout his dramatic play, “Hamlet”. My interpretation accentuates an individual’s oscillation between taking and resisting action due to lack of justification, the supplementary role that identity and inevitable death have within this indecision and the uncertainty it creates of one’s existence. Good conclusion on the whole! However, it is missing a few key pieces; go back to your Thesis and look at the things you mentioned about context, and how you stated your Thesis in the introduction. Your conclusion should follow that closely!
This is a fantastic essay with some great ideas Iha! Excellent blend of context in the first paragraph especially, I'd love to see more of that. Great concepts that are well defined and sustained throughout your paragraphs, no overlap either, this works really really well! And your analysis is, in most sections, very effective as well ;D
My big suggestion for you in this essay will be to step away from the text a little. Let's consider it this way.
Say you tell me the technique Shakespeare uses to tell me something new about the character of Hamlet. This is good.
Next step up, you tell me the technique Shakespeare uses to tell me something about the character of Hamlet with relation to the concept you are discussing. This is better, but still not perfect.
The best case scenario is you pointing at Hamlet, and saying, "See how Shakespeare does this? This is showing you BLAH BLAH BLAH." What I learn isn't directly related to/reliant on the text, it is broader, I'm learning about the concept as a whole. This is the level of conceptual interpretation that I'm missing at the moment, and I'd like to see a bit more.
Along with this comes a related suggestion; be careful you don't slip into retell. There are some places where you are close to just telling me what happened in the text and not anything about the concept, be careful! ;D as well as this, some expression issues pop up in isolated spots, may be worth addressing, but it doesn't detract too much from the response.
Don't let the comments fool you, I think this is a great essay! Some more links to the audience will make me care about the essay more and enhance your exploration of concept, which will naturally develop the sophistication. Remember, the text is just your example, the concept is key!
I hope this helps! Don't let this feedback stress you out or make you feel like you need to do a heap of work. Just keep the principles in mind, and go in there on Tuesday (or whenever) and smash your Trial!! You are writing great stuff, tailor it effectively to the question you have in front of you and you will smash it! Good luck! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 08:42:54 pm
hi!
this is my mod C essay
what should i improve on in terms of my introduction and paragraphs?
how can the analysis be improved?
all in all, I'm really clueless in english atm - how do I make this a band 6 response?
(please mark it as harsh as possible - totally roast it)
~I've attached the document
Hey there!! Thanks for posting your essay, it's attached in the spoiler below with comments throughout in bold!! ;D
Spoiler
Analyse how the representation of divergent viewpoints leads us to greater awareness of the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours.
The conflicting perspectives evident in the novel offer us an insight into the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours. I'd like to see a proper Thesis taking its place at the start of this essay. A concept that will resonate throughout the response, some comment on the complexity of human behaviour. A simple version: "People are assholes." Just a concept that will be the focus of your essay, and all the themes of your paragraph should fit around it! The satirical ‘Brave new world’ by Aldous Huxley showcases this through the conflicting outlooks of the characters towards the political system of the world state. The different perspectives and assessment of the reservation and wold state highlighting the complex values and attitudes of different characters. Be succinct where you can! You don't need to go into too much detail in the intro, just set up your arguments. It is Huxley’s personal commentary towards the mechanical passion of his era and the differing views highlight its unapparent flaws. Great contextual setup! ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan. Also show this through its depiction of the different viewpoints experiences by the wombats and the rabbits, it is a metaphor for colonisation and is meant to counteract the western viewpoint offering an alternate perspective and reader evaluation towards the British landing. It highlights the conditions of both the rabbits and lemurs and depicts the complexity of their alternate views through their motivations.Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with! Also be sure your introduction has a proper conclusion.
Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people. Why do divergent viewpoints reveal the complexity of human beings? It is sort of implied, but I'm looking for a little more depth than this! In brave new world, this is demonstrated through john who is represented as an outcast and isolated in both the reservation and world state due to being different. Ensure text/character names are capitalised! Despite attempted conditioning by Linda, he despises promiscuous behaviour and opposes the world state belief that ‘everyone belongs to someone else.' This is textual retell: You are telling me what happened in the text, but I already know as the marker (and indeed, I know this text ;)). Your response MUST focus only on the conceptual ideas in the text, and how they are presented through techniques. However, the hybrid religion of Jesus and pagan pookong endorses a ritualistic religious mutilation that is presented as the reservation’s equivalent of the sexual religion of the world state. While, the characters from the state disagree with this practice, as shown through the sarcasm in; “nothing short of a pistol shot could have called Lenina back from her soma holiday” the brutal image showing her personal reaction. John endorses the practice, showing his diverged perspective towards the reservation ritual. It shows his complexity in the sense that while he opposes the conditioning of the world state, ironically, his views are also the result of the predetermined culture/conditioning of the reservation. While you are making good points about divergent viewpoints, you are not analysing. Even with techniques, retell is retell, try to take a step out of the text and instead consider the techniques chosen by the composer, and WHY they were chosen. His reaction upon observing the workings and system of the world state is disgust and he vomits stating “I ate civilisation” reinforcing his disapproval of the system. His name ‘Mr Savage’ is a satiric irony, the reader is left to question who really is the ‘savage’, john is depicted as animalistic through the eyes of the world state residents. Some good techniques at the end here, but what do they show?Paralleling his personal view shown through the insect motif “the nightmare of swarming indistinguishable madness, like maggots…” demonstrating the lack of distinction and parasitic proportions and actions of the state residents. Both the perspectives of john and the world state oppose one another, showing their intricate attitudes towards the unfamiliar. I've not really gotten the complexity of human behaviour from this paragraph, I've gotten divergent viewpoints for sure, but not quite how they represent this complexity.
Perspectives showcase intricate characterisation. Again, how? I'd like a little more depth here too, WHY do perspectives show intricate characterisation? Why is it important for composers? A few things to consider. Brave new world’s character Linda is represented as a product of World state conditioning and this mentality prevents her from fitting in with the attitudes of the reservation. What technique achieves this? At the first sight of Lenina, she grabs her in a slobbering embrace whilst crying “ford oh ford!” the juxtaposition (ford replacing lord) indicating her unhampering belief in the world state. I don't think this accurately represents juxtaposition, probably more an allusion than anything else? (allusion to the common exclamation of "Oh Lord," it's quasi religious!) Her statement; “and I was so ashamed, just think of it , a beta having a baby: put yourself in my place” shows her opposing perspective towards the natural births in the reservation, she feels disgusted as the mere word of family is ‘smutty’ as Huxley satirically addresses.Technique here? I'm finding you are actually hitting almost all of your marks, like this time you explained the link to the concept well, but not hitting all of them together! Linda’s remark about the behaviours of the Indians; “it’s like living with lunatics, everything they do is mad” parallels their beliefs about her, seen when the elders call her a “she-dog” hinting at her blatant promiscuity. Technique? However, despite Linda’s conditioning, human nature is hinted through high modal language, “little beast! I am not your mother, I will never be your mother……….suddenly she put her arms around him and kissed him again and again. “In a sense, this emotional dichotomy indicates that Linda is conflicted with her conditioning and her internal desire to love john, this is Huxley’s indication that human nature cannot be fully controlled and that stability based on perfection is non-existent. Two points: One, high modality! Be confident in your own arguments, no "in a sense," be confident! Second, you can trim your quotes a little, you never need this much! The world state may have programmed her thought but it did not fully eliminate human nature. Upon returning to the world state, her own people make her an outsider, she is represented and viewed as a grim image of the dark reality of the artificial world state. Retell The place is called the “hive of industry.. under the full buzz of work” and is a metaphor about the regulated society where everyone fills their predetermined constructs, its Huxley’s way of describing their political system and that Linda is unable to fill that construct and is therefore an outcast. Try to play with your expression a little bit if you can: the "its Huxley's way of describing their political system" sounds a little awkward. Her entrance was hybrid textuality, its satirical questioning about modernity and humanity, Linda’s cries; “Tomakin, Tomakin!..” along with john’s “my father!” is challenging and theatrical and an extreme comic caricature of outraged and suffering virtue due to the perspectives of the scientists at the embryo lab. Indicating that their views oppose the characteristics of natural growth, a process still ongoing at the reservation and evident in Linda. She is dehumanised; “bloating, sagging and among those firm youthful bodies, those undistorted faces, a strange and terrifying monster of middle-agedness” showing their perspective towards Linda and her representation in the eyes of the world state citizens. Technique for that quote? There are several! Reinforcing the fact that in the world state perspectives are moulded by conditioning, however, Linda’s ability to find solace in John shows that they cannot fully eliminate emotion. Human complexity is shown through the ability of certain individuals to counteract their conditioning. Hence, Demonstrating flaws in a supposedly seamless society that runs on collective thought. Those last two sentences should be a single sentences separated with a comma, and that would form a great conclusive sentence!
Differing perspectives highlight internal attitudes and motivations. ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan is a social commentary on the British landing. It is told through the perspectives of the lemurs which are a representation of the aboriginal population. The text is shown in an atypical position to emphasise the emotional reaction of the lemurs towards the rabbit ‘colonisation’. The rabbits are a satirical representation of the British, their characteristic to multiply and the fact that they were initially foreigners parallels the rabbit’s introduction to Australia. This representation shows how the Aboriginals viewed the new British population. You are analysing the related text and its significance well; but what does the audience learn about differing perspectives? Be sure to sustain your concept! The perspective of the aboriginals, clashing with that of the British; historically claiming the land as ‘terra nullius’ (no mans land) and acquiring ownership. Contrast is used to emphasise the opposite elements and signify the power and scale of the intruders. Through the rabbits perspective, they were doing no wrong and merely making the land more hospitable, however the lemurs saw this as degration of their land shown by the illustration of the mechanical tubes sucking in blue sky for production of soot, symbolising that they are making the land cater to their needs, they are depicted as consumeristic. Slightly slipping into retell there! The book ends unresolved and with open ties, hinting that the issue is still lasting. The lemur and rabbit, both peering into the reflection, equally hoping for a better future and ultimately passing the final judgement to the reader. A very text focused paragraph, try to make it more conceptually driven. Focus on the concept of differing perspectives and only point to the text to prove your point, it is only evidence.
The depiction of alternate views expressed, lead us to explore the complexities and motivations evident that led to that perspective. Both ‘brave new world ‘ by Aldous Huxley and ‘the rabbits’ by John Marsden showcase alternate viewpoints to a given situation, the different perspectives and attitudes allow for the reader to further understand their characterisation as a person’s views are an insight into ones values. Hence, revealing more about characters through their assessment of situations.
The conflicting perspectives evident in the novel offer us an insight into the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours. I'd like to see a proper Thesis taking its place at the start of this essay. A concept that will resonate throughout the response, some comment on the complexity of human behaviour. A simple version: "People are assholes." Just a concept that will be the focus of your essay, and all the themes of your paragraph should fit around it! The satirical ‘Brave new world’ by Aldous Huxley showcases this through the conflicting outlooks of the characters towards the political system of the world state. The different perspectives and assessment of the reservation and wold state highlighting the complex values and attitudes of different characters. Be succinct where you can! You don't need to go into too much detail in the intro, just set up your arguments. It is Huxley’s personal commentary towards the mechanical passion of his era and the differing views highlight its unapparent flaws. Great contextual setup! ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan. Also show this through its depiction of the different viewpoints experiences by the wombats and the rabbits, it is a metaphor for colonisation and is meant to counteract the western viewpoint offering an alternate perspective and reader evaluation towards the British landing. It highlights the conditions of both the rabbits and lemurs and depicts the complexity of their alternate views through their motivations.Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with! Also be sure your introduction has a proper conclusion.
Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people. Why do divergent viewpoints reveal the complexity of human beings? It is sort of implied, but I'm looking for a little more depth than this! In brave new world, this is demonstrated through john who is represented as an outcast and isolated in both the reservation and world state due to being different. Ensure text/character names are capitalised! Despite attempted conditioning by Linda, he despises promiscuous behaviour and opposes the world state belief that ‘everyone belongs to someone else.' This is textual retell: You are telling me what happened in the text, but I already know as the marker (and indeed, I know this text ;)). Your response MUST focus only on the conceptual ideas in the text, and how they are presented through techniques. However, the hybrid religion of Jesus and pagan pookong endorses a ritualistic religious mutilation that is presented as the reservation’s equivalent of the sexual religion of the world state. While, the characters from the state disagree with this practice, as shown through the sarcasm in; “nothing short of a pistol shot could have called Lenina back from her soma holiday” the brutal image showing her personal reaction. John endorses the practice, showing his diverged perspective towards the reservation ritual. It shows his complexity in the sense that while he opposes the conditioning of the world state, ironically, his views are also the result of the predetermined culture/conditioning of the reservation. While you are making good points about divergent viewpoints, you are not analysing. Even with techniques, retell is retell, try to take a step out of the text and instead consider the techniques chosen by the composer, and WHY they were chosen. His reaction upon observing the workings and system of the world state is disgust and he vomits stating “I ate civilisation” reinforcing his disapproval of the system. His name ‘Mr Savage’ is a satiric irony, the reader is left to question who really is the ‘savage’, john is depicted as animalistic through the eyes of the world state residents. Some good techniques at the end here, but what do they show?Paralleling his personal view shown through the insect motif “the nightmare of swarming indistinguishable madness, like maggots…” demonstrating the lack of distinction and parasitic proportions and actions of the state residents. Both the perspectives of john and the world state oppose one another, showing their intricate attitudes towards the unfamiliar. I've not really gotten the complexity of human behaviour from this paragraph, I've gotten divergent viewpoints for sure, but not quite how they represent this complexity.
Perspectives showcase intricate characterisation. Again, how? I'd like a little more depth here too, WHY do perspectives show intricate characterisation? Why is it important for composers? A few things to consider. Brave new world’s character Linda is represented as a product of World state conditioning and this mentality prevents her from fitting in with the attitudes of the reservation. What technique achieves this? At the first sight of Lenina, she grabs her in a slobbering embrace whilst crying “ford oh ford!” the juxtaposition (ford replacing lord) indicating her unhampering belief in the world state. I don't think this accurately represents juxtaposition, probably more an allusion than anything else? (allusion to the common exclamation of "Oh Lord," it's quasi religious!) Her statement; “and I was so ashamed, just think of it , a beta having a baby: put yourself in my place” shows her opposing perspective towards the natural births in the reservation, she feels disgusted as the mere word of family is ‘smutty’ as Huxley satirically addresses.Technique here? I'm finding you are actually hitting almost all of your marks, like this time you explained the link to the concept well, but not hitting all of them together! Linda’s remark about the behaviours of the Indians; “it’s like living with lunatics, everything they do is mad” parallels their beliefs about her, seen when the elders call her a “she-dog” hinting at her blatant promiscuity. Technique? However, despite Linda’s conditioning, human nature is hinted through high modal language, “little beast! I am not your mother, I will never be your mother……….suddenly she put her arms around him and kissed him again and again. “In a sense, this emotional dichotomy indicates that Linda is conflicted with her conditioning and her internal desire to love john, this is Huxley’s indication that human nature cannot be fully controlled and that stability based on perfection is non-existent. Two points: One, high modality! Be confident in your own arguments, no "in a sense," be confident! Second, you can trim your quotes a little, you never need this much! The world state may have programmed her thought but it did not fully eliminate human nature. Upon returning to the world state, her own people make her an outsider, she is represented and viewed as a grim image of the dark reality of the artificial world state. Retell The place is called the “hive of industry.. under the full buzz of work” and is a metaphor about the regulated society where everyone fills their predetermined constructs, its Huxley’s way of describing their political system and that Linda is unable to fill that construct and is therefore an outcast. Try to play with your expression a little bit if you can: the "its Huxley's way of describing their political system" sounds a little awkward. Her entrance was hybrid textuality, its satirical questioning about modernity and humanity, Linda’s cries; “Tomakin, Tomakin!..” along with john’s “my father!” is challenging and theatrical and an extreme comic caricature of outraged and suffering virtue due to the perspectives of the scientists at the embryo lab. Indicating that their views oppose the characteristics of natural growth, a process still ongoing at the reservation and evident in Linda. She is dehumanised; “bloating, sagging and among those firm youthful bodies, those undistorted faces, a strange and terrifying monster of middle-agedness” showing their perspective towards Linda and her representation in the eyes of the world state citizens. Technique for that quote? There are several! Reinforcing the fact that in the world state perspectives are moulded by conditioning, however, Linda’s ability to find solace in John shows that they cannot fully eliminate emotion. Human complexity is shown through the ability of certain individuals to counteract their conditioning. Hence, Demonstrating flaws in a supposedly seamless society that runs on collective thought. Those last two sentences should be a single sentences separated with a comma, and that would form a great conclusive sentence!
Differing perspectives highlight internal attitudes and motivations. ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan is a social commentary on the British landing. It is told through the perspectives of the lemurs which are a representation of the aboriginal population. The text is shown in an atypical position to emphasise the emotional reaction of the lemurs towards the rabbit ‘colonisation’. The rabbits are a satirical representation of the British, their characteristic to multiply and the fact that they were initially foreigners parallels the rabbit’s introduction to Australia. This representation shows how the Aboriginals viewed the new British population. You are analysing the related text and its significance well; but what does the audience learn about differing perspectives? Be sure to sustain your concept! The perspective of the aboriginals, clashing with that of the British; historically claiming the land as ‘terra nullius’ (no mans land) and acquiring ownership. Contrast is used to emphasise the opposite elements and signify the power and scale of the intruders. Through the rabbits perspective, they were doing no wrong and merely making the land more hospitable, however the lemurs saw this as degration of their land shown by the illustration of the mechanical tubes sucking in blue sky for production of soot, symbolising that they are making the land cater to their needs, they are depicted as consumeristic. Slightly slipping into retell there! The book ends unresolved and with open ties, hinting that the issue is still lasting. The lemur and rabbit, both peering into the reflection, equally hoping for a better future and ultimately passing the final judgement to the reader. A very text focused paragraph, try to make it more conceptually driven. Focus on the concept of differing perspectives and only point to the text to prove your point, it is only evidence.
The depiction of alternate views expressed, lead us to explore the complexities and motivations evident that led to that perspective. Both ‘brave new world ‘ by Aldous Huxley and ‘the rabbits’ by John Marsden showcase alternate viewpoints to a given situation, the different perspectives and attitudes allow for the reader to further understand their characterisation as a person’s views are an insight into ones values. Hence, revealing more about characters through their assessment of situations.
What I'll start by saying is that I love what you've done with the concepts for each paragraph!! Human complexities, characterisation and internal beliefs are distinct and all relate effectively. A difficult ask for this question, and you've done it well, so bravo there!! ;D
So, as well as the comments throughout, there are a few suggestions I want to make for you to improve, but I want to focus on two right now ;D
First, is the quality of your analysis, what you mentioned when you posted the essay. Essentially what you are doing right now is textual retell, you are telling me what happened in the text (occasionally with a technique), and then linking it to your concept. Interestingly, the text is one of the least important parts of your analysis, and the plot and details of the text are almost completely irrelevant. Much more important is the concepts that are being represented by the composer.
Consider it this way for your prescribed text. Huxley's Brave New World was written as a didactic warning of the potential dehumanising effects of the technological innovations of Huxley's context. He is writing it like, "Guys, seriously?" It's a warning! Huxley will thus choose techniques that further his perspective on the issue; every action of the characters, every plot detail, all a choice by Huxley to portray the themes he wants. This also means that we can actually give no credit to the characters, we must give it all to Huxley, because the characters are just his puppets. No "John does this" or "Lina does that," it is "Huxley uses this technique!"
Now why is Huxley choosing this technique? He wants to represent a theme, or in other words, a perspective! It is your job when writing this essay to deconstruct the representational choices made by Huxley, and how they represent his perspective on the theme of, in this case, the complexity of human behaviour.
Your analysis shouldn't be "This happened in the text when John did this and this shows this." Instead, it should be: "Huxley uses this technique to show his perspective of this and thus the audience learns this about the concept." Or even more ideally, "Huxley assumes this perspective; this is obvious through this technique and thus the audience learns this."
For example:
Huxley's contextual fears of the destruction of fundamental aspects of humanity, namely religious expression, are exemplified through the quasi-religious reference to Soma as "Christianity, without the tears." Huxley's perspective resonates even more powerfully in a modern context, as we realise that key aspects of our individualism may soon be subject to the dehumanising nature of technological innovation.
By no means is this perfect, I could be more succinct, but what I want to exemplify is that the concept takes way more room than the text and the technique. I'm just pointing to the text as proof of Huxley's perspective! Notice; no plot details, no scene descriptions, nothing like that. Purely the technique.
So, you need to shift the focus to the concept, not the text. The key aspects of analysis are:
Technique - What did the composer do?
Explain - Why did they do it? What perspective do they want to show?
Audience - What new information does this give to the audience?
This comes with practice, and it isn't easy!! But you can 100% get there! ;D
The other thing I'll suggest (and this won't take as long I promise) is just a balance between your ORT and the prescribed text. Right now your balance is 66/33%, two thirds prescribed, one third ORT. This isn't quite balanced enough!! You need to ideally have a 50/50 split, or at a maximum, 60/40. So essentially, you need more ORT to balance yourself out.
I'll suggest to you, since you've got awesome paragraph topics, an integrated response. This means discussing both texts in every paragraph, separated by concept as you've done in this essay. Give it a go!! It might help you get a better balance ;D
The analysis is the big thing I'll push for this version. Have a go at some things I've suggested, read through my comments, and ask me if anything is unclear! Above all, take some time to improve the response, then post it again for some more feedback!! I'm keen to help you get this to the Band 6 response you want ;D great stuff skysailingaway!
Post by: skysailingaway on July 17, 2016, 11:01:56 pm
Hey there!! Thanks for posting your essay, it's attached in the spoiler below with comments throughout in bold!! ;DSpoilerAnalyse how the representation of divergent viewpoints leads us to greater awareness of the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours.
The conflicting perspectives evident in the novel offer us an insight into the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours. I'd like to see a proper Thesis taking its place at the start of this essay. A concept that will resonate throughout the response, some comment on the complexity of human behaviour. A simple version: "People are assholes." Just a concept that will be the focus of your essay, and all the themes of your paragraph should fit around it! The satirical ‘Brave new world’ by Aldous Huxley showcases this through the conflicting outlooks of the characters towards the political system of the world state. The different perspectives and assessment of the reservation and wold state highlighting the complex values and attitudes of different characters. Be succinct where you can! You don't need to go into too much detail in the intro, just set up your arguments. It is Huxley’s personal commentary towards the mechanical passion of his era and the differing views highlight its unapparent flaws. Great contextual setup! ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan. Also show this through its depiction of the different viewpoints experiences by the wombats and the rabbits, it is a metaphor for colonisation and is meant to counteract the western viewpoint offering an alternate perspective and reader evaluation towards the British landing. It highlights the conditions of both the rabbits and lemurs and depicts the complexity of their alternate views through their motivations.Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with! Also be sure your introduction has a proper conclusion.
Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people. Why do divergent viewpoints reveal the complexity of human beings? It is sort of implied, but I'm looking for a little more depth than this! In brave new world, this is demonstrated through john who is represented as an outcast and isolated in both the reservation and world state due to being different. Ensure text/character names are capitalised! Despite attempted conditioning by Linda, he despises promiscuous behaviour and opposes the world state belief that ‘everyone belongs to someone else.' This is textual retell: You are telling me what happened in the text, but I already know as the marker (and indeed, I know this text ;)). Your response MUST focus only on the conceptual ideas in the text, and how they are presented through techniques. However, the hybrid religion of Jesus and pagan pookong endorses a ritualistic religious mutilation that is presented as the reservation’s equivalent of the sexual religion of the world state. While, the characters from the state disagree with this practice, as shown through the sarcasm in; “nothing short of a pistol shot could have called Lenina back from her soma holiday” the brutal image showing her personal reaction. John endorses the practice, showing his diverged perspective towards the reservation ritual. It shows his complexity in the sense that while he opposes the conditioning of the world state, ironically, his views are also the result of the predetermined culture/conditioning of the reservation. While you are making good points about divergent viewpoints, you are not analysing. Even with techniques, retell is retell, try to take a step out of the text and instead consider the techniques chosen by the composer, and WHY they were chosen. His reaction upon observing the workings and system of the world state is disgust and he vomits stating “I ate civilisation” reinforcing his disapproval of the system. His name ‘Mr Savage’ is a satiric irony, the reader is left to question who really is the ‘savage’, john is depicted as animalistic through the eyes of the world state residents. Some good techniques at the end here, but what do they show?Paralleling his personal view shown through the insect motif “the nightmare of swarming indistinguishable madness, like maggots…” demonstrating the lack of distinction and parasitic proportions and actions of the state residents. Both the perspectives of john and the world state oppose one another, showing their intricate attitudes towards the unfamiliar. I've not really gotten the complexity of human behaviour from this paragraph, I've gotten divergent viewpoints for sure, but not quite how they represent this complexity.
Perspectives showcase intricate characterisation. Again, how? I'd like a little more depth here too, WHY do perspectives show intricate characterisation? Why is it important for composers? A few things to consider. Brave new world’s character Linda is represented as a product of World state conditioning and this mentality prevents her from fitting in with the attitudes of the reservation. What technique achieves this? At the first sight of Lenina, she grabs her in a slobbering embrace whilst crying “ford oh ford!” the juxtaposition (ford replacing lord) indicating her unhampering belief in the world state. I don't think this accurately represents juxtaposition, probably more an allusion than anything else? (allusion to the common exclamation of "Oh Lord," it's quasi religious!) Her statement; “and I was so ashamed, just think of it , a beta having a baby: put yourself in my place” shows her opposing perspective towards the natural births in the reservation, she feels disgusted as the mere word of family is ‘smutty’ as Huxley satirically addresses.Technique here? I'm finding you are actually hitting almost all of your marks, like this time you explained the link to the concept well, but not hitting all of them together! Linda’s remark about the behaviours of the Indians; “it’s like living with lunatics, everything they do is mad” parallels their beliefs about her, seen when the elders call her a “she-dog” hinting at her blatant promiscuity. Technique? However, despite Linda’s conditioning, human nature is hinted through high modal language, “little beast! I am not your mother, I will never be your mother……….suddenly she put her arms around him and kissed him again and again. “In a sense, this emotional dichotomy indicates that Linda is conflicted with her conditioning and her internal desire to love john, this is Huxley’s indication that human nature cannot be fully controlled and that stability based on perfection is non-existent. Two points: One, high modality! Be confident in your own arguments, no "in a sense," be confident! Second, you can trim your quotes a little, you never need this much! The world state may have programmed her thought but it did not fully eliminate human nature. Upon returning to the world state, her own people make her an outsider, she is represented and viewed as a grim image of the dark reality of the artificial world state. Retell The place is called the “hive of industry.. under the full buzz of work” and is a metaphor about the regulated society where everyone fills their predetermined constructs, its Huxley’s way of describing their political system and that Linda is unable to fill that construct and is therefore an outcast. Try to play with your expression a little bit if you can: the "its Huxley's way of describing their political system" sounds a little awkward. Her entrance was hybrid textuality, its satirical questioning about modernity and humanity, Linda’s cries; “Tomakin, Tomakin!..” along with john’s “my father!” is challenging and theatrical and an extreme comic caricature of outraged and suffering virtue due to the perspectives of the scientists at the embryo lab. Indicating that their views oppose the characteristics of natural growth, a process still ongoing at the reservation and evident in Linda. She is dehumanised; “bloating, sagging and among those firm youthful bodies, those undistorted faces, a strange and terrifying monster of middle-agedness” showing their perspective towards Linda and her representation in the eyes of the world state citizens. Technique for that quote? There are several! Reinforcing the fact that in the world state perspectives are moulded by conditioning, however, Linda’s ability to find solace in John shows that they cannot fully eliminate emotion. Human complexity is shown through the ability of certain individuals to counteract their conditioning. Hence, Demonstrating flaws in a supposedly seamless society that runs on collective thought. Those last two sentences should be a single sentences separated with a comma, and that would form a great conclusive sentence!
Differing perspectives highlight internal attitudes and motivations. ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan is a social commentary on the British landing. It is told through the perspectives of the lemurs which are a representation of the aboriginal population. The text is shown in an atypical position to emphasise the emotional reaction of the lemurs towards the rabbit ‘colonisation’. The rabbits are a satirical representation of the British, their characteristic to multiply and the fact that they were initially foreigners parallels the rabbit’s introduction to Australia. This representation shows how the Aboriginals viewed the new British population. You are analysing the related text and its significance well; but what does the audience learn about differing perspectives? Be sure to sustain your concept! The perspective of the aboriginals, clashing with that of the British; historically claiming the land as ‘terra nullius’ (no mans land) and acquiring ownership. Contrast is used to emphasise the opposite elements and signify the power and scale of the intruders. Through the rabbits perspective, they were doing no wrong and merely making the land more hospitable, however the lemurs saw this as degration of their land shown by the illustration of the mechanical tubes sucking in blue sky for production of soot, symbolising that they are making the land cater to their needs, they are depicted as consumeristic. Slightly slipping into retell there! The book ends unresolved and with open ties, hinting that the issue is still lasting. The lemur and rabbit, both peering into the reflection, equally hoping for a better future and ultimately passing the final judgement to the reader. A very text focused paragraph, try to make it more conceptually driven. Focus on the concept of differing perspectives and only point to the text to prove your point, it is only evidence.
The depiction of alternate views expressed, lead us to explore the complexities and motivations evident that led to that perspective. Both ‘brave new world ‘ by Aldous Huxley and ‘the rabbits’ by John Marsden showcase alternate viewpoints to a given situation, the different perspectives and attitudes allow for the reader to further understand their characterisation as a person’s views are an insight into ones values. Hence, revealing more about characters through their assessment of situations.
What I'll start by saying is that I love what you've done with the concepts for each paragraph!! Human complexities, characterisation and internal beliefs are distinct and all relate effectively. A difficult ask for this question, and you've done it well, so bravo there!! ;D
So, as well as the comments throughout, there are a few suggestions I want to make for you to improve, but I want to focus on two right now ;D
First, is the quality of your analysis, what you mentioned when you posted the essay. Essentially what you are doing right now is textual retell, you are telling me what happened in the text (occasionally with a technique), and then linking it to your concept. Interestingly, the text is one of the least important parts of your analysis, and the plot and details of the text are almost completely irrelevant. Much more important is the concepts that are being represented by the composer.
Consider it this way for your prescribed text. Huxley's Brave New World was written as a didactic warning of the potential dehumanising effects of the technological innovations of Huxley's context. He is writing it like, "Guys, seriously?" It's a warning! Huxley will thus choose techniques that further his perspective on the issue; every action of the characters, every plot detail, all a choice by Huxley to portray the themes he wants. This also means that we can actually give no credit to the characters, we must give it all to Huxley, because the characters are just his puppets. No "John does this" or "Lina does that," it is "Huxley uses this technique!"
Now why is Huxley choosing this technique? He wants to represent a theme, or in other words, a perspective! It is your job when writing this essay to deconstruct the representational choices made by Huxley, and how they represent his perspective on the theme of, in this case, the complexity of human behaviour.
Your analysis shouldn't be "This happened in the text when John did this and this shows this." Instead, it should be: "Huxley uses this technique to show his perspective of this and thus the audience learns this about the concept." Or even more ideally, "Huxley assumes this perspective; this is obvious through this technique and thus the audience learns this."
For example:
Huxley's contextual fears of the destruction of fundamental aspects of humanity, namely religious expression, are exemplified through the quasi-religious reference to Soma as "Christianity, without the tears." Huxley's perspective resonates even more powerfully in a modern context, as we realise that key aspects of our individualism may soon be subject to the dehumanising nature of technological innovation.
By no means is this perfect, I could be more succinct, but what I want to exemplify is that the concept takes way more room than the text and the technique. I'm just pointing to the text as proof of Huxley's perspective! Notice; no plot details, no scene descriptions, nothing like that. Purely the technique.
So, you need to shift the focus to the concept, not the text. The key aspects of analysis are:
Technique - What did the composer do?
Explain - Why did they do it? What perspective do they want to show?
Audience - What new information does this give to the audience?
This comes with practice, and it isn't easy!! But you can 100% get there! ;D
The other thing I'll suggest (and this won't take as long I promise) is just a balance between your ORT and the prescribed text. Right now your balance is 66/33%, two thirds prescribed, one third ORT. This isn't quite balanced enough!! You need to ideally have a 50/50 split, or at a maximum, 60/40. So essentially, you need more ORT to balance yourself out.
I'll suggest to you, since you've got awesome paragraph topics, an integrated response. This means discussing both texts in every paragraph, separated by concept as you've done in this essay. Give it a go!! It might help you get a better balance ;D
The analysis is the big thing I'll push for this version. Have a go at some things I've suggested, read through my comments, and ask me if anything is unclear! Above all, take some time to improve the response, then post it again for some more feedback!! I'm keen to help you get this to the Band 6 response you want ;D great stuff skysailingaway!
THANK YOU SOOO MUCH
I am so grateful to receive this!
Your guide is amazing, and I understand the requirements for the body paragraphs completely (I'll be sending another draft soon!)
However, I have a couple of questions (that I hope you could answer)
What would be an example of a 'proper' thesis in this case? I have the most difficulty coming up with these, I sometimes have to sit and think for a whole 5 mins on exams before I start writing my thesis! Plus what does the thesis state? Should it agree with the question/restate it ...... I'm unsure, is there a foolproof way I could tackle this?
I tend to ramble in an intro as I have no Idea what is required! What would be too much info in an intro and what is a 'must' to mention in an introduction?
You had stated; "Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with"
hmm... so the concepts that I discuss would be the complexities, characterization, internal beliefs -should I mention them only?
> How would you have written this part?
What would be a proper conclusion to an intro? something like ."hence, the representation of the divergent viewpoints showcasing the complexity of human attitudes and behaviors" > you may notice that I'm repeating the question, but Its because I'm not sure about this part and its all I can think of! :-[
ooh and for the Intro to the body> should I say something like; "Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people as it reveals their contradictory judgment in different situations" - would this be sufficient?
Is there possibly a way I could avoid writing a thesis in a body para?> as in, jump straight to analysis?
Thank you again for the top notch explanations- forever saving your annotations! Lets hope I get that Band 6!
I'm so glad I finally have a direction- your guideline has been immensely helpful!!
Stay awesome! ;D ;D
Post by: studybuddy7777 on July 18, 2016, 12:34:07 pm
Please find it attached in the spoiler down below.
Thanks again because I know the feedback you give me will be amazing! ;D
Spoiler
Art of Travel speech
QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.
Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. An individual's mindset can be informed by the consideration of ideas that may support or challenge our interpretation of the landscape and essentially the way we look at things. Artists all show their way of looking at a landscape but it may not be as definitive as a photograph. However, a photo can lack emotion and meaning as there was no process into taking it.The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime.
In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." This can be essentially taken to mean that the tree is guarding him against the problems of the world by surpassing the real and entering into the imagined landscape; an idea heightened through visual imagery and connotative language. Upon reemergence into the real landscape De Botton reaches a significant conclusion. He concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." His conclusion is quite a striking and substantial one and a perfect example of how the beauty of nature has the ability to influence an individual's mindset.
Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces through the usage of visual and sensory imagery the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death for many a time" Keats' attitude of chronic suicidality denies the meaning of death and as he was either foreshadowing his death by tuberculosis or already having contracted it, a sense of jealousy is surfaced in that the nightingale does not have the sealed fate of death like Keats' does ('still would thou sing'). Upon hearing the nightingale's song, Keats learns to appreciate the little time he has left. "For many a time" suggests that while he has not had an easy life and is consistently losing life's battles; debating and even wishing to end it all, he now has a renewed spirit and a newfound understanding of the beauty of nature and how powerful a landscape can be in reversing someone's mindset so decisively.
By the constant referral to both prescribed and related texts by both De Botton and Keats respectively, one can conclude that any interpretation of the landscape is broad, persuasive and changed over time. This changing of an individual's mindset is integral for the study of both "The Art Of Travel" and "Ode to A Nightingale" as both explore the power of nature to change an informed mindset and have major themes centralised around the idea of using the landscape as a means of escaping the real world. This is successfully expressed through key scenes such as De Botton's visit to Provence, De Botton and Wordsworth's admiration of the tranquility of nature and the song of the nightingale being both a sign of beauty and permanence without the intention to please its audience.
Some points to consider:
Module C: Representing and Text
Elective 2: People and Landscapes
This is approximately 4.5 minutes out of a 5 minute speech (meaning I cannot add much more to it)
Palm cards are acceptable
Due: Tuesday 23/8/16
Draft Due: 22/7/16
Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.
Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. An individual's mindset can be informed by the consideration of ideas that may support or challenge our interpretation of the landscape and essentially the way we look at things. Artists all show their way of looking at a landscape but it may not be as definitive as a photograph. However, a photo can lack emotion and meaning as there was no process into taking it.The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime.
In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." This can be essentially taken to mean that the tree is guarding him against the problems of the world by surpassing the real and entering into the imagined landscape; an idea heightened through visual imagery and connotative language. Upon reemergence into the real landscape De Botton reaches a significant conclusion. He concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." His conclusion is quite a striking and substantial one and a perfect example of how the beauty of nature has the ability to influence an individual's mindset.
Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces through the usage of visual and sensory imagery the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death for many a time" Keats' attitude of chronic suicidality denies the meaning of death and as he was either foreshadowing his death by tuberculosis or already having contracted it, a sense of jealousy is surfaced in that the nightingale does not have the sealed fate of death like Keats' does ('still would thou sing'). Upon hearing the nightingale's song, Keats learns to appreciate the little time he has left. "For many a time" suggests that while he has not had an easy life and is consistently losing life's battles; debating and even wishing to end it all, he now has a renewed spirit and a newfound understanding of the beauty of nature and how powerful a landscape can be in reversing someone's mindset so decisively.
By the constant referral to both prescribed and related texts by both De Botton and Keats respectively, one can conclude that any interpretation of the landscape is broad, persuasive and changed over time. This changing of an individual's mindset is integral for the study of both "The Art Of Travel" and "Ode to A Nightingale" as both explore the power of nature to change an informed mindset and have major themes centralised around the idea of using the landscape as a means of escaping the real world. This is successfully expressed through key scenes such as De Botton's visit to Provence, De Botton and Wordsworth's admiration of the tranquility of nature and the song of the nightingale being both a sign of beauty and permanence without the intention to please its audience.
Some points to consider:
Module C: Representing and Text
Elective 2: People and Landscapes
This is approximately 4.5 minutes out of a 5 minute speech (meaning I cannot add much more to it)
Palm cards are acceptable
Due: Tuesday 23/8/16
Draft Due: 22/7/16
Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 18, 2016, 06:59:21 pm
THANK YOU SOOO MUCH
I am so grateful to receive this!
Your guide is amazing, and I understand the requirements for the body paragraphs completely (I'll be sending another draft soon!)
However, I have a couple of questions (that I hope you could answer)
What would be an example of a 'proper' thesis in this case? I have the most difficulty coming up with these, I sometimes have to sit and think for a whole 5 mins on exams before I start writing my thesis! Plus what does the thesis state? Should it agree with the question/restate it ...... I'm unsure, is there a foolproof way I could tackle this?
There is no foolproof way to write a Thesis, which is why it is great to have had heaps of practice before an exam, because one of your old ones might work for the question!! In general though, you can start this way. Summarise what the composer(s) of your text are trying to tell you in one sentence. What is their big idea, their big push, what is the BIG thing you will be discussing in your essay? That will form the basis of your Thesis.
Feel free to post Thesis statements for feedback somewhere (start a new thread) ;D
I tend to ramble in an intro as I have no Idea what is required! What would be too much info in an intro and what is a 'must' to mention in an introduction?
Intro should have (in a similar order):
- Thesis
- Amplification, which gives additional details about the Thesis/elaborates further to link to the question
- Texts and Composers Introduced, and briefly, context as well (one sentence should do all of this)
- Why are these texts being discussed in this essay (how do they link to your Thesis)
- What themes/ideas will you discuss in the paragraphs?
- What is the overall takeaway from the essay, your big answer to the question asked (May be very similar to your Thesis?) This just wraps everything together nicely
You had stated; "Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with"
hmm... so the concepts that I discuss would be the complexities, characterization, internal beliefs -should I mention them only?
> How would you have written this part?
Precisely, these are the themes you are exploring, so they are where your discussion should lie. You can write a 20/20 essay without ever talking about the plot (and indeed, most 20/20 essays wouldn't)
What would be a proper conclusion to an intro? something like ."hence, the representation of the divergent viewpoints showcasing the complexity of human attitudes and behaviors" > you may notice that I'm repeating the question, but Its because I'm not sure about this part and its all I can think of! :-[
Often something like this is actually okay! But instead of re-stating the question, think of it as answering the question, but you are using the phrasing of the question. This is okay!! Essentially, the conclusion to an intro is: "Thus, we are going to realise that I am correct and that I've answered the question and you should give me marks." Aha, reaffirming your viewpoint essentially! But it can be varied ;D
ooh and for the Intro to the body> should I say something like; "Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people as it reveals their contradictory judgment in different situations" - would this be sufficient?
As in a topic sentence for a paragraph? This sentence would work fantastically for that purpose.
Is there possibly a way I could avoid writing a thesis in a body para?> as in, jump straight to analysis?
Unfortunately not, you MUST be bringing everything back to your Thesis, and that requires formulating a new idea that links to that Thesis. Conceptual statements at the start of paragraphs are something I never did in Year 11, and I got stung big time, make sure you do them!! Note that they can be shorter than your big Thesis in the intro ;D
Thank you again for the top notch explanations- forever saving your annotations! Lets hope I get that Band 6!
I'm so glad I finally have a direction- your guideline has been immensely helpful!!
Stay awesome! ;D ;D
You are very welcome! Hope it helps ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 18, 2016, 07:01:41 pm
Because I know how awesome you were in feedback last time here is my full speech on The Art of Travel (Mod C Elective 2)Hey! I'll have a look at this with a fresh pair of eyes and hopefully it will give you some new ideas :)
Please find it attached in the spoiler down below.
Thanks again because I know the feedback you give me will be amazing! ;D
In the spoiler, my comments are written in bold font:
Art of Travel speech
QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.
Spoiler
Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. Just for the purpose of being fluent, I would change the syntax to "When exposed to nature, an individual's mindset can influence a relationship between a landscape and a person, ultimately changing one's world perspective. An individual's mindset can be informed by the consideration of ideas that may support or challenge our interpretation of the landscape and essentially the way we look at things. Artists all show their way of looking at a landscape but it may not be as definitive as a photograph. However, Because your last sentence uses a negation (not) then you don't need the "however" in this next sentence when you are proving that same point over. a photo can lack emotion and meaning as there was no process into taking it. This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, just because there can be a long process to taking a photo, so the statement is untrue. I think you perhaps mean, "A photo may be taken for its face value, rather than appreciated for the back story. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. "This" implies that there is a specific perspective change you are referring to - which at this stage isn't clear. I think the photo idea is clouding the strength of your introduction. If the photo notion is the perspective that your texts support, then perhaps say the photo idea, then say, "the texts *** and *** are a testament to the notion that a photograph doesn't reflect ..."These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime.
Although this is a speech, which means it doesn't have to emulate an essay structure, I think the introduction would benefit from you reiterating your introductory thesis again, just to give your work more direction and prove to the marker that you haven't lost site of your speech question.
It is up to you how you want your speech style to be. If you want it to emulate an essay more, I think you should incorporate a "mini thesis" here to clearly outline your argument. If you want to move away from this type of structure, which is completely fine, I suggest that your opening sentence here, or at least your second sentence, proves to the marker that you haven't lost sight of the question.In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." This can be essentially taken to mean that the tree is guarding him against the problems of the world by surpassing the real and entering into the imagined landscape; an idea heightened through visual imagery and connotative language. This is a wonderful integration of the "real and imagined landscape" that the syllabus wants of you. It is a really lovely integration here! Upon reemergence into the real landscape De Botton reaches a significant conclusion. He concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." His conclusion is quite a striking and substantial one and a perfect example of how the beauty of nature has the ability to influence an individual's mindset.
Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces through the usage of visual and sensory imagery the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death for many a time" Keats' attitude of chronic suicidality denies the meaning of death and as he was either foreshadowing his death by tuberculosis or already having contracted it, a sense of jealousy is surfaced in that the nightingale does not have the sealed fate of death like Keats' does ('still would thou sing'). Upon hearing the nightingale's song, Keats learns to appreciate the little time he has left. "For many a time" suggests that while he has not had an easy life and is consistently losing life's battles; debating and even wishing to end it all, he now has a renewed spirit and a newfound understanding of the beauty of nature and how powerful a landscape can be in reversing someone's mindset so decisively.
By theconstant referral to both prescribed and related texts by both De Botton and Keats respectively, one can conclude that any interpretation of the landscape is broad, persuasive and changed over time. This changing of an individual's mindset is integral for the study of both "The Art Of Travel" and "Ode to A Nightingale" as both explore the power of nature to change an informed mindset and have major themes centralised around the idea of using the landscape as a means of escaping the real world. This is successfully expressed through key scenes such as De Botton's visit to Provence, De Botton and Wordsworth's admiration of the tranquility of nature and the song of the nightingale being both a sign of beauty and permanence without the intention to please its audience.
Although this is a speech, which means it doesn't have to emulate an essay structure, I think the introduction would benefit from you reiterating your introductory thesis again, just to give your work more direction and prove to the marker that you haven't lost site of your speech question.
It is up to you how you want your speech style to be. If you want it to emulate an essay more, I think you should incorporate a "mini thesis" here to clearly outline your argument. If you want to move away from this type of structure, which is completely fine, I suggest that your opening sentence here, or at least your second sentence, proves to the marker that you haven't lost sight of the question.In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." This can be essentially taken to mean that the tree is guarding him against the problems of the world by surpassing the real and entering into the imagined landscape; an idea heightened through visual imagery and connotative language. This is a wonderful integration of the "real and imagined landscape" that the syllabus wants of you. It is a really lovely integration here! Upon reemergence into the real landscape De Botton reaches a significant conclusion. He concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." His conclusion is quite a striking and substantial one and a perfect example of how the beauty of nature has the ability to influence an individual's mindset.
Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces through the usage of visual and sensory imagery the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death for many a time" Keats' attitude of chronic suicidality denies the meaning of death and as he was either foreshadowing his death by tuberculosis or already having contracted it, a sense of jealousy is surfaced in that the nightingale does not have the sealed fate of death like Keats' does ('still would thou sing'). Upon hearing the nightingale's song, Keats learns to appreciate the little time he has left. "For many a time" suggests that while he has not had an easy life and is consistently losing life's battles; debating and even wishing to end it all, he now has a renewed spirit and a newfound understanding of the beauty of nature and how powerful a landscape can be in reversing someone's mindset so decisively.
By the
I think you've been set with a really difficult task here because to explain the relationship between a person and a landscape in more than one instance is extremely difficult to do in 5 minutes! For the purpose of you benefitting from harsh feedback, I will just go through what was unclear to me. But first, I think you need to be commended on the wonderful way in which you link your texts to their techniques. That's admirable! You've got that down pat for a speech. In an essay, you'd obviously need more than this and the tone would be slightly different because it isn't intended to be orally communicated.
I've pulled apart your introduction not to be mean, but with the intention of breaking it up so that you can put it all back together again in a perfect way. The photo idea is lost on me. I looked for amplification later on in the paragraphs but I didn't see the purpose for it to be in the introduction? With some adjustments, I think you can do really well. How are you as a speaker? As a confident, extroverted talker you could use a very basic structure and amplify it in the way you present, but I suggest really preparing your introduction to be sophisticated.
My only other critique is the lack of relation to the question and the module. I can see that at the end of every paragraph you draw it in, which is wonderful! But, I don't think it sits strong enough throughout the middle of the paragraphs in order to make that end link really tangible and give the listener a "ahhh, that makes sense!" moment.
I know there are so few resources available for people and landscapes. I uploaded my own people and landscapes essay in the hope of helping out a bit if you are looking for new ways to analyse the relationship between a person and a landscape. You can find that here!
I hope you don't think I'm a big meanie/meany (how does one spell that???) I just want to be thorough so that you have the opportunity to improve the overall sophistication before your draft is due! Best of luck! Please ask any questions you have :)
Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 18, 2016, 07:27:23 pm
Because I know how awesome you were in feedback last time here is my full speech on The Art of Travel (Mod C Elective 2)
Please find it attached in the spoiler down below.
Thanks again because I know the feedback you give me will be amazing! ;D
Sorry I missed the criteria!
Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
I think the bolded bit there is what is holding you back from the top marks. Because the thesis doesn't run through the paragraphs, the response lacks in that sustained nature. I mean, you definitely address the prescribed and the related text well, and give each due diligence which is great. I think it's just about really drawing it all together, starting with the introduction, and letting it fall through the rest of the response!
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 18, 2016, 07:30:55 pm
It was brought to my attention at the lectures at UTS last week that people are on struggle street with how to formulate a response for this module and elective! If you're looking for some ideas, my essay is downloadable here and you are more than welcome to ask any questions at all. :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 18, 2016, 08:02:06 pm
HI THERE! :)
I was wondering whether you could have a look at my Mod C essay (Brave New World and Blade Runner)
I am having a lot of trouble with this module haha...esp. cutting it down. There seems to be so much i need to include!
Aaarghhh the assessments are coming :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time ;D
Jack
Hey Jack!! Cool profile picture ;)
I absolutely can have a look at your essay!! It's attached below with feedback throughout in bold ;D
Spoiler
All representations of people and politics are subjective constructs, reflecting the composer’s purpose, ideology and cultural context. I'd like a little more depth in this Thesis, one extra sentence to set yourself apart. Hot tip, I always talked about how it is only through the interplay of conflicting perspectives (heyyyyy) that composers are able to gain a rounded view of the situation presented to them. Perhaps play with that a bit? This is apparent in Aldous Huxley’s dystopian novel Brave New World (1932), a satirical representation of a totalitarian society that commodifies individuals through technological exploitation. Parallel to this, Ridley Scott’s futuristic film Blade Runner (director’s cut) (1982) condemns the dehumanising ramifications on the individual under a commercialist corporate system. Hence, both texts illuminate that our enduring desires to achieve a “perfect world” is barred by the complex nature of politics and its conflicting visions of a perfect relationship between governments and individuals. Love it, great Thesis, only thing I'd add is a list of the themes you'll be discussing. Besides that, fantastic!
Huxley exploits the speculative dystopian genre to condemn a potential totalitarian regime that oppresses individuals in pursuit of economic and societal stability. Be sure to include the perspective that Huxley is trying to put across that you will be focusing on. (EG - Anti totalitarianism). This should show up somewhere in the first two sentences in a general sense, what is Huxley trying to say?Reflecting the rise in conflicting political ideologies of capitalism and communism emerging post World War I, Huxley’s kaleidoscopic narrative viewpoint denies a clear authorial position, structurally embodying the decentralisation of power of the World State that is ironically “maintained” and not “controlled” by its self-regulating government of “World Controllers”. Fantastic contextual link here; what is the context and how is it shown in the text. Great. Hence, the system’s satirical motto “Community, Identity, Stability” foregrounds the suppression of “identity” in the Ford-like production of humans and the eugenic predetermined “caste system” where liberty is ironically “inefficient and miserable” in a state striving for order and stability. Be careful to link this brilliant analysis to the perspective that the audience is shown. Production and consumption drive this “Fordist” dystopia, overseen by the pavlovian conditioning and the hypnopaedic proverb “Ending is better than mending”, in a startlingly inversion of the “Victorian thrift” to a humorously exaggerated obligation to spend. Fantastic contextual link, but do you have a technique here? Contentment is maintained by artificial happiness, injected through the drug “soma” and the parodied “orgy-porgy” rituals that provide an ecstatic escape from any unpleasant reality and keeps the population docile and malleable. Is "contentment" a word? Honestly not sure. Also, we are slipping ever so slightly into textual retell here. See how you are just telling me things about the text without telling me what Huxley is trying to do? Take a step away from the text. Yet, Huxley condemns this pursuit in the ironic parody of the communist revolutionist “Lenin”, where the conditioned Lenina in her repetition of political dictums, embody a one-dimensional reflection of a drugged populace whose emotions are as superficial as the hallucinogenic effects of “soma”. Ultimately, Huxley promotes the rejection of such an oppressive regime, where the exile of Helmholtz, a figure that encapsulates our potential for defiance, merely suppressed by the comical “Anti-Riot Speech Number Two” foreshadows the futility of resistance. Huxley is cynical of our pursuit for stability, presenting a permanently stable society at the price of an oppressive totalitarian regime. Some BRILLIANT stuff in this paragraph, but on the whole, a little too text based. Essentially, you are doing some (bloody great) textual retell and linking it to the concept in some places, instead, try to focus on how Huxley uses techniques to demonstrate his perspective. Rinse, repeat. Don't tell me what happens in the text, take a step back, what does Huxley do?
Similarly, Scott exposes mankind’s enslavement to a tyrannical corporate system pursuing commercial superiority. What perspective on this does Scott assume? Or are there multiple (conflicting, ohhhh) The satirical motto “Commerce is our goal” amplify the extreme commercialism of the oppressive corporatocracy, embodying a macrocosmic reflection of the corruption of Reagan’s 1980 economic doctrine that brought upon affluent corporate greed and excessive economic rationalism. Great contextual link. The mis-en-scene of Tyrell Corporation’s pyramid placed in the centre of the city foregrounds Tyrell as the symbolic “pharaoh” who emulates “God” in his creation of emotionless humanoid “Replicants”, like the Epsilons in Brave New World, for menial labour. Fantastic inter-textual link there, I'd like to see you link how their perspectives are similar as well though, what is common about what they are trying to say? Similar to Mond’s “iceberg” model, the pyramid symbology is extended to depict the populace, polarised into a large swath of the “poor” echoed by the film-noir aesthetics, where the primary motif of darkness juxtaposes against the synthetic lighting that symbolises the tiny cadre of the “rich”. Bryant’s threat “if you’re not a cop. You’re little people” best encapsulates conformity as exerted by the brutality of the police whose motto seems to be no longer “serve and protect” but ironically “to control and frighten”. What does the audience gleam from this, any impact? Virtually human, the replicants are similarly diminished to “skin jobs”, their physical superiority subjugated by emotional deficiency and are euphemistically “retired” by death periodically to repress mutiny. Retell.Hence, Blade Runner becomes Scott’s prognosticative “vision” epitomised by the recurring motif of the eye that sustains cinematically a sense of paranoia promoting the rejection of the all-pervasive power of the corporatocracy. Another nice paragraph, but again, too text focused! Remember that these texts are just mediums for the composers to connect with their audience!
Behind the perfectly harmonious institutions within the World State, Huxley foregrounds the loss of fundamental human values as the cost of political coercion. Juxtaposed to a world plagued by rampant human suffering in the aftermath of the World War I and the threatening Great Depression, Huxley’s benevolent oligarchy that is “rid of everything unpleasant” represents a seemingly appealing utopia for his contemporary audiences. Fantastic, but I'd use "contextual" audience there, then contemporary audience for modern responders! However, individual identity is subjugated at birth as the horrifying “Bokanovsky Process” depicts with insect imagery the “hatching” of the children “like maggots” at the “corpse-coloured” centre, where the deathly connotations symbolise the ironic moral death of humanity at birth. Verging on retell Reinforced by the hypnopaedic proverb “when the individual feels, the community reels”, emotional attachments are sacrificed, such as “Religion”, ridiculed in parodying “Ford” for “God” and supplanted by the soma as “Christianity without the tears”. Techniques? Christianity without the tears is a loaded phrase especially. Further, the art and literature that embody humanity’s creative potential are ironically reversed as “pornographic” and incompatible with the conditioning that confines characters such as Lenina to only superficial ideas and thoughts. Any techniques that further this portrayal? What is its significance? Despite John’s cognition of art and language derived from Shakespearean allusions, his inability to comprehend, “no words. Not even in Shakespeare” parallels with Huxley’s depiction of the egalitarian Savage Reservation as a “filthy” and “primitive” alternative, representing outmoded values and social and political structures of the past which are found wanting. Hence, Huxley endorses Helmholtz as his authorial voice through the nonconformist's attempt to write, where the enjambment:
“Where crowds have been-“
“All silences rejoice”
symbolise unique individual expression as a continuing hope for humanity. Although Huxley consciously provokes us to question our political pursuits, the “silences” symbolise Huxley’s inability to come up with an “ideal” political structure. This is what I was looking for earlier! Huxley is trying to provoke us to question politics; how? Link this throughout the paragraph! As such, Huxley divulges the power of art and language to illuminate both the present and the future.
Contrastingly, Scott does not hide his dystopic message, using the full strength of the visual media to highlight loss in human connections with nature and society. Good comparison of how the messages are portrayed! Blade Runner is an escalation of the Scott’s social context based on the technological advancing society of the 1980s, centred on genetic engineering and synthetic reality reinforced by the recurring mise-en-scene of the mannequins and dolls. Good! Nature and its beauty is absent in the heavily industrialised Earth, indicated by the opening wide angle shot of a polluted sky filled with a sea of skyscrapers that highlight the devastating ramifications of the corporation’s abuse of resources. What effect does this have on the audience? What is being portrayed? Unlike Brave New World, intimacy is frightful, where the emotional decay is emphasised by the omnipresent decaying buildings where Tyrell’s corporate fortresses metaphorically convey the disconnection between individuals. The close-up shot of replicant Roy’s sorrow at Pris’ death, where the despair in the death of a loved one epitomises ironically his humanity, suggests the ultimate test of humanity is not via the synthetic Void-Komph machine, but rather it is the individual values-such as raw passion, love or empathy that makes him “more human than human”. Technique? Hence, Roy’s compassionate act of saving Deckard, who symbolises Scott’s contemporary world, encapsulates metaphorically, Scott’s didacticism that human’s emotional values such as empathy can save humanity from the “fall” to a decaying synthetic world. This paragraph is better at stepping away from the text, but I'm still looking for the inclusion of the audience! What do we learn?
Huxley and Scott both explore the self-induced and destructive relationship between individuals and politics through the human hubris, prognosticating the bleak yet possible outcomes of the future upon the contextual issues of the 1920s and 1980s. Great! Indeed, both authors suggest that if we do not heed upon their words of warning and continue our technological pursuits for commercialism, then like Zhora running through the glass barrier, humanity will ultimately reach the other side, bloodied with everything around them “lost like tears in rain”. Expand this conclusion by linking to representation of people and politics through conflicting perspectives, just like you did in the Thesis paragraph!
Huxley exploits the speculative dystopian genre to condemn a potential totalitarian regime that oppresses individuals in pursuit of economic and societal stability. Be sure to include the perspective that Huxley is trying to put across that you will be focusing on. (EG - Anti totalitarianism). This should show up somewhere in the first two sentences in a general sense, what is Huxley trying to say?Reflecting the rise in conflicting political ideologies of capitalism and communism emerging post World War I, Huxley’s kaleidoscopic narrative viewpoint denies a clear authorial position, structurally embodying the decentralisation of power of the World State that is ironically “maintained” and not “controlled” by its self-regulating government of “World Controllers”. Fantastic contextual link here; what is the context and how is it shown in the text. Great. Hence, the system’s satirical motto “Community, Identity, Stability” foregrounds the suppression of “identity” in the Ford-like production of humans and the eugenic predetermined “caste system” where liberty is ironically “inefficient and miserable” in a state striving for order and stability. Be careful to link this brilliant analysis to the perspective that the audience is shown. Production and consumption drive this “Fordist” dystopia, overseen by the pavlovian conditioning and the hypnopaedic proverb “Ending is better than mending”, in a startlingly inversion of the “Victorian thrift” to a humorously exaggerated obligation to spend. Fantastic contextual link, but do you have a technique here? Contentment is maintained by artificial happiness, injected through the drug “soma” and the parodied “orgy-porgy” rituals that provide an ecstatic escape from any unpleasant reality and keeps the population docile and malleable. Is "contentment" a word? Honestly not sure. Also, we are slipping ever so slightly into textual retell here. See how you are just telling me things about the text without telling me what Huxley is trying to do? Take a step away from the text. Yet, Huxley condemns this pursuit in the ironic parody of the communist revolutionist “Lenin”, where the conditioned Lenina in her repetition of political dictums, embody a one-dimensional reflection of a drugged populace whose emotions are as superficial as the hallucinogenic effects of “soma”. Ultimately, Huxley promotes the rejection of such an oppressive regime, where the exile of Helmholtz, a figure that encapsulates our potential for defiance, merely suppressed by the comical “Anti-Riot Speech Number Two” foreshadows the futility of resistance. Huxley is cynical of our pursuit for stability, presenting a permanently stable society at the price of an oppressive totalitarian regime. Some BRILLIANT stuff in this paragraph, but on the whole, a little too text based. Essentially, you are doing some (bloody great) textual retell and linking it to the concept in some places, instead, try to focus on how Huxley uses techniques to demonstrate his perspective. Rinse, repeat. Don't tell me what happens in the text, take a step back, what does Huxley do?
Similarly, Scott exposes mankind’s enslavement to a tyrannical corporate system pursuing commercial superiority. What perspective on this does Scott assume? Or are there multiple (conflicting, ohhhh) The satirical motto “Commerce is our goal” amplify the extreme commercialism of the oppressive corporatocracy, embodying a macrocosmic reflection of the corruption of Reagan’s 1980 economic doctrine that brought upon affluent corporate greed and excessive economic rationalism. Great contextual link. The mis-en-scene of Tyrell Corporation’s pyramid placed in the centre of the city foregrounds Tyrell as the symbolic “pharaoh” who emulates “God” in his creation of emotionless humanoid “Replicants”, like the Epsilons in Brave New World, for menial labour. Fantastic inter-textual link there, I'd like to see you link how their perspectives are similar as well though, what is common about what they are trying to say? Similar to Mond’s “iceberg” model, the pyramid symbology is extended to depict the populace, polarised into a large swath of the “poor” echoed by the film-noir aesthetics, where the primary motif of darkness juxtaposes against the synthetic lighting that symbolises the tiny cadre of the “rich”. Bryant’s threat “if you’re not a cop. You’re little people” best encapsulates conformity as exerted by the brutality of the police whose motto seems to be no longer “serve and protect” but ironically “to control and frighten”. What does the audience gleam from this, any impact? Virtually human, the replicants are similarly diminished to “skin jobs”, their physical superiority subjugated by emotional deficiency and are euphemistically “retired” by death periodically to repress mutiny. Retell.Hence, Blade Runner becomes Scott’s prognosticative “vision” epitomised by the recurring motif of the eye that sustains cinematically a sense of paranoia promoting the rejection of the all-pervasive power of the corporatocracy. Another nice paragraph, but again, too text focused! Remember that these texts are just mediums for the composers to connect with their audience!
Behind the perfectly harmonious institutions within the World State, Huxley foregrounds the loss of fundamental human values as the cost of political coercion. Juxtaposed to a world plagued by rampant human suffering in the aftermath of the World War I and the threatening Great Depression, Huxley’s benevolent oligarchy that is “rid of everything unpleasant” represents a seemingly appealing utopia for his contemporary audiences. Fantastic, but I'd use "contextual" audience there, then contemporary audience for modern responders! However, individual identity is subjugated at birth as the horrifying “Bokanovsky Process” depicts with insect imagery the “hatching” of the children “like maggots” at the “corpse-coloured” centre, where the deathly connotations symbolise the ironic moral death of humanity at birth. Verging on retell Reinforced by the hypnopaedic proverb “when the individual feels, the community reels”, emotional attachments are sacrificed, such as “Religion”, ridiculed in parodying “Ford” for “God” and supplanted by the soma as “Christianity without the tears”. Techniques? Christianity without the tears is a loaded phrase especially. Further, the art and literature that embody humanity’s creative potential are ironically reversed as “pornographic” and incompatible with the conditioning that confines characters such as Lenina to only superficial ideas and thoughts. Any techniques that further this portrayal? What is its significance? Despite John’s cognition of art and language derived from Shakespearean allusions, his inability to comprehend, “no words. Not even in Shakespeare” parallels with Huxley’s depiction of the egalitarian Savage Reservation as a “filthy” and “primitive” alternative, representing outmoded values and social and political structures of the past which are found wanting. Hence, Huxley endorses Helmholtz as his authorial voice through the nonconformist's attempt to write, where the enjambment:
“Where crowds have been-“
“All silences rejoice”
symbolise unique individual expression as a continuing hope for humanity. Although Huxley consciously provokes us to question our political pursuits, the “silences” symbolise Huxley’s inability to come up with an “ideal” political structure. This is what I was looking for earlier! Huxley is trying to provoke us to question politics; how? Link this throughout the paragraph! As such, Huxley divulges the power of art and language to illuminate both the present and the future.
Contrastingly, Scott does not hide his dystopic message, using the full strength of the visual media to highlight loss in human connections with nature and society. Good comparison of how the messages are portrayed! Blade Runner is an escalation of the Scott’s social context based on the technological advancing society of the 1980s, centred on genetic engineering and synthetic reality reinforced by the recurring mise-en-scene of the mannequins and dolls. Good! Nature and its beauty is absent in the heavily industrialised Earth, indicated by the opening wide angle shot of a polluted sky filled with a sea of skyscrapers that highlight the devastating ramifications of the corporation’s abuse of resources. What effect does this have on the audience? What is being portrayed? Unlike Brave New World, intimacy is frightful, where the emotional decay is emphasised by the omnipresent decaying buildings where Tyrell’s corporate fortresses metaphorically convey the disconnection between individuals. The close-up shot of replicant Roy’s sorrow at Pris’ death, where the despair in the death of a loved one epitomises ironically his humanity, suggests the ultimate test of humanity is not via the synthetic Void-Komph machine, but rather it is the individual values-such as raw passion, love or empathy that makes him “more human than human”. Technique? Hence, Roy’s compassionate act of saving Deckard, who symbolises Scott’s contemporary world, encapsulates metaphorically, Scott’s didacticism that human’s emotional values such as empathy can save humanity from the “fall” to a decaying synthetic world. This paragraph is better at stepping away from the text, but I'm still looking for the inclusion of the audience! What do we learn?
Huxley and Scott both explore the self-induced and destructive relationship between individuals and politics through the human hubris, prognosticating the bleak yet possible outcomes of the future upon the contextual issues of the 1920s and 1980s. Great! Indeed, both authors suggest that if we do not heed upon their words of warning and continue our technological pursuits for commercialism, then like Zhora running through the glass barrier, humanity will ultimately reach the other side, bloodied with everything around them “lost like tears in rain”. Expand this conclusion by linking to representation of people and politics through conflicting perspectives, just like you did in the Thesis paragraph!
Another excellent essay Jack, yet again you astound me with your expression and textual knowledge!! You've played yourself for this essay, because you are doing two texts I know very well, so no sneaking things past me ;) that said, you clearly know your shit, and you have a fantastic structure for your ideas. Great introduction that ties into the requirements of the module brilliantly. Excellent work on all of these points!
A few points for improvement. First, a simple one, make sure not to neglect your techniques!! Every quote (or virtually every quote) should have a technique associated with it. Easy fix.
Next, and this is important, you are retelling. For example:
Contentment is maintained by artificial happiness, injected through the drug “soma” and the parodied “orgy-porgy” rituals that provide an ecstatic escape from any unpleasant reality and keeps the population docile and malleable.
That sentence is just a re-statement of fact from the text. No technique, no analysis, no audience impact. I could ignore it and not impact your argument, because it doesn't add to it.
My big job for you my friend, is to challenge yourself to step away from the text for your analysis. You are relying too heavily on plot elements to drive your analysis. "Huxley uses TECHNIQUE to portray PERSPECTIVE and the audience feels BLAH." Repeat. Well, obviously more sophisticated, but you get the idea! No plot necessary, I know you can do this because I see it shining through in isolated spots.
Beyond this, I'd also suggest a greater emphasis on the audience. What do we learn? What perspective is being conveyed to us? But this is secondary to the above point, and I think will come naturally as that is fixed up. Just something to keep in mind ;D
I hope this helps mate!! You seriously know your texts really well and have great ideas, just tidying up how you put them across to make sure they really shine ;D
Post by: studybuddy7777 on July 18, 2016, 08:12:28 pm
ATTENTION: MODULE C - PEOPLE AND LANDSCAPES STUDENTS!!
It was brought to my attention at the lectures at UTS last week that people are on struggle street with how to formulate a response for this module and elective! If you're looking for some ideas, my essay is downloadable here and you are more than welcome to ask any questions at all. :)
You have just made my day. Tempted to make another account just so you can have +2 lol :P
Post by: studybuddy7777 on July 18, 2016, 08:17:35 pm
Sorry I missed the criteria!
Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
I think the bolded bit there is what is holding you back from the top marks. Because the thesis doesn't run through the paragraphs, the response lacks in that sustained nature. I mean, you definitely address the prescribed and the related text well, and give each due diligence which is great. I think it's just about really drawing it all together, starting with the introduction, and letting it fall through the rest of the response!
Hey! I'll have a look at this with a fresh pair of eyes and hopefully it will give you some new ideas :)
In the spoiler, my comments are written in bold font:
Art of Travel speech
QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.SpoilerIndividual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. Just for the purpose of being fluent, I would change the syntax to "When exposed to nature, an individual's mindset can influence a relationship between a landscape and a person, ultimately changing one's world perspective. An individual's mindset can be informed by the consideration of ideas that may support or challenge our interpretation of the landscape and essentially the way we look at things. Artists all show their way of looking at a landscape but it may not be as definitive as a photograph.However,Because your last sentence uses a negation (not) then you don't need the "however" in this next sentence when you are proving that same point over. a photo can lack emotion and meaning as there was no process into taking it. This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, just because there can be a long process to taking a photo, so the statement is untrue. I think you perhaps mean, "A photo may be taken for its face value, rather than appreciated for the back story. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. "This" implies that there is a specific perspective change you are referring to - which at this stage isn't clear. I think the photo idea is clouding the strength of your introduction. If the photo notion is the perspective that your texts support, then perhaps say the photo idea, then say, "the texts *** and *** are a testament to the notion that a photograph doesn't reflect ..."These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime.
Although this is a speech, which means it doesn't have to emulate an essay structure, I think the introduction would benefit from you reiterating your introductory thesis again, just to give your work more direction and prove to the marker that you haven't lost site of your speech question.
It is up to you how you want your speech style to be. If you want it to emulate an essay more, I think you should incorporate a "mini thesis" here to clearly outline your argument. If you want to move away from this type of structure, which is completely fine, I suggest that your opening sentence here, or at least your second sentence, proves to the marker that you haven't lost sight of the question.In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." This can be essentially taken to mean that the tree is guarding him against the problems of the world by surpassing the real and entering into the imagined landscape; an idea heightened through visual imagery and connotative language. This is a wonderful integration of the "real and imagined landscape" that the syllabus wants of you. It is a really lovely integration here! Upon reemergence into the real landscape De Botton reaches a significant conclusion. He concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." His conclusion is quite a striking and substantial one and a perfect example of how the beauty of nature has the ability to influence an individual's mindset.
Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces through the usage of visual and sensory imagery the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death for many a time" Keats' attitude of chronic suicidality denies the meaning of death and as he was either foreshadowing his death by tuberculosis or already having contracted it, a sense of jealousy is surfaced in that the nightingale does not have the sealed fate of death like Keats' does ('still would thou sing'). Upon hearing the nightingale's song, Keats learns to appreciate the little time he has left. "For many a time" suggests that while he has not had an easy life and is consistently losing life's battles; debating and even wishing to end it all, he now has a renewed spirit and a newfound understanding of the beauty of nature and how powerful a landscape can be in reversing someone's mindset so decisively.
By theconstantreferral to both prescribed and related texts by both De Botton and Keats respectively, one can conclude that any interpretation of the landscape is broad, persuasive and changed over time. This changing of an individual's mindset is integral for the study of both "The Art Of Travel" and "Ode to A Nightingale" as both explore the power of nature to change an informed mindset and have major themes centralised around the idea of using the landscape as a means of escaping the real world. This is successfully expressed through key scenes such as De Botton's visit to Provence, De Botton and Wordsworth's admiration of the tranquility of nature and the song of the nightingale being both a sign of beauty and permanence without the intention to please its audience.
I think you've been set with a really difficult task here because to explain the relationship between a person and a landscape in more than one instance is extremely difficult to do in 5 minutes! For the purpose of you benefitting from harsh feedback, I will just go through what was unclear to me. But first, I think you need to be commended on the wonderful way in which you link your texts to their techniques. That's admirable! You've got that down pat for a speech. In an essay, you'd obviously need more than this and the tone would be slightly different because it isn't intended to be orally communicated.
I've pulled apart your introduction not to be mean, but with the intention of breaking it up so that you can put it all back together again in a perfect way. The photo idea is lost on me. I looked for amplification later on in the paragraphs but I didn't see the purpose for it to be in the introduction? With some adjustments, I think you can do really well. How are you as a speaker? As a confident, extroverted talker you could use a very basic structure and amplify it in the way you present, but I suggest really preparing your introduction to be sophisticated.
My only other critique is the lack of relation to the question and the module. I can see that at the end of every paragraph you draw it in, which is wonderful! But, I don't think it sits strong enough throughout the middle of the paragraphs in order to make that end link really tangible and give the listener a "ahhh, that makes sense!" moment.
I know there are so few resources available for people and landscapes. I uploaded my own people and landscapes essay in the hope of helping out a bit if you are looking for new ways to analyse the relationship between a person and a landscape. You can find that here!
I hope you don't think I'm a big meanie/meany (how does one spell that???) I just want to be thorough so that you have the opportunity to improve the overall sophistication before your draft is due! Best of luck! Please ask any questions you have :)
Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
Just saw this and your feedback is amazing!! Thankyou so much! If I got another draft to you in a few days (say Wednesday or at latest Thurs morning) would you be able to relook at it by Friday 4pm (deadline for drafts to be due into teacher, and we only get one so I want to make it good :)) Again, thanks for marking my speech so quickly!
Ps. I've always spelt it meanie but each to their own I guess :P
Pps. I dont think you are a big meanie but i do think you are a big help ;D
Ppps. I will ensure I ask you any questions I may have, but I dont have any at the moment
Pppps. I might scratch the photo idea as it really cannot relate to my related text, and thats the whole point of it right?
Ppppps. Sorry for all the ps's ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 18, 2016, 09:12:07 pm
Just saw this and your feedback is amazing!! Thankyou so much! If I got another draft to you in a few days (say Wednesday or at latest Thurs morning) would you be able to relook at it by Friday 4pm (deadline for drafts to be due into teacher, and we only get one so I want to make it good :)) Again, thanks for marking my speech so quickly!
Ps. I've always spelt it meanie but each to their own I guess :P
Pps. I dont think you are a big meanie but i do think you are a big help ;D
Ppps. I will ensure I ask you any questions I may have, but I dont have any at the moment
Pppps. I might scratch the photo idea as it really cannot relate to my related text, and thats the whole point of it right?
Ppppps. Sorry for all the ps's ;D
Made me LOL ;) definitely post it and we'll do our best to get it marked in time (either Elyse or me)!! ;D
Post by: likeneverbefore on July 18, 2016, 09:17:57 pm
I absolutely can have a look at your essay!! It's attached below with feedback throughout in bold ;D
JAMON YOU LEGEND!!!!!!!! ;D ;D
Thank you so much for the quick reply! Your comments are absolutely fantastic! They give me a direction to head towards haha!
Yea my big problem is the retelling, it is more obvious what im lacking with your comments which is FANTASTIC!!!
Well i better go and fix it up haha :D :D :D
I CANT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR THE INCREDIBLE MARKING (ONCE AGAIN :D :D :D)
btw meeting you in person was AWESOMMMEEEEEE :D thank you for that really helpful maths lecture!!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 18, 2016, 09:28:33 pm
JAMON YOU LEGEND!!!!!!!! ;D ;D
Thank you so much for the quick reply! Your comments are absolutely fantastic! They give me a direction to head towards haha!
Yea my big problem is the retelling, it is more obvious what im lacking with your comments which is FANTASTIC!!!
Well i better go and fix it up haha :D :D :D
I CANT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR THE INCREDIBLE MARKING (ONCE AGAIN :D :D :D)
btw meeting you in person was AWESOMMMEEEEEE :D thank you for that really helpful maths lecture!!!
Aha no worries legend, happy to help!! ;D genuinely hope it's helpful, that retell can be annoying to knock on the head, but once you do you'll never go back ;D Be sure to come back to us with new versions!!
So happy you enjoyed the lecture too!! ;D
Post by: lowrifunnell on July 19, 2016, 02:27:59 pm
Hey there!! Absolutely happy to give a look to your essay, comments throughout in bold and I'll chat a bit at the end ;DSpoilerHow does T.S. Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrate an enduring relevance that surpasses his context. Demonstrate your informed personal understanding.
Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock exhibits a reflection of the context of his time, one that has enduring relevance today. Eliot uses this poem to comment on the fragmented psyche of the typical modern person. He explores the darker side of human nature rather than naïve idealism of being, the Freudian idea of a divided self, and the impact of self-deprecation on individuals. A nice intro, but a little on the short side. Try expanding it by adding something a little more conceptual at the beginning, a conceptual Thesis. I'd also add one more sentence at the end saying something like: "The exploration of these themes demonstrates an enduring relevance that surpasses...", to link to the question one last time.
Eliot’s compositions reflect his perception of his modernist 20th century context, and how it has affected individuals. Modernism aimed to move away from romanticism, and presented a rawer, more realistic view of life where uncertainty, isolation, and disillusionment were part of the new world. The rapid increase in urbanisation and industrialisation led to a loss of connection with the community that has enduring relevance today, whilst the horrors and carnage of WWI led to an overarching sense of pessimism. Eliot utilises the form of a dramatic monologue, which allows him to display the sense of isolation and disjointed, fluctuating nature of the internal mind. There is no overarching verse form, only a loose collection of rhyme, imagery, and repetition, providing strong textual integrity whilst marking a distinct break from Romantic poetry. The momentum and emotional tempo fluctuates between languid inertia and self-conscious, tumultuous anguish, and pained awareness of failure. It has a languid rhythm, open to variation, including hesitancy and occasionally abruptness, further contributing to the Modernist style of the poem. So personally, I don't think this is the way to go with the separate paragraph on context, style etc, I would be blending this information throughout your regular paragraphs!
Eliot’s poem is filled with an overriding sense of futility and inadequacy that governs Prufrock, and is reflective of the typical Modernist man of Eliot’s context. Try to start with a more conceptual statement. Like, "The theme of ______ is continuously relevant to different audiences because ________. Indeed, Elliot's expression... etc., just something to lead you in. Eliot uses the image “a patient etherized upon a table” to suggest Prufrock’s complacency and impotence, setting up the sense of inertia and establishing the suffocating lethargy that dominates this poem. The abrupt departure from a regular rhyme scheme and macabre imagery suggests a break with the Romantic tradition. Nice! Likewise, the childish rhyme “the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo” mimics the mundane, futile nature of social interactions of the context that Prufrock finds so debilitating. I love the links to context you are making in this paragraph, but try to extend it beyond the character of Prufrock. It's not really important about the effects/conseuences for Prufrock, what about what we as the modern audience learns? This is juxtaposed with the sophisticated image of Michelangelo, symbolic of the influential, desirable man that Prufrock cannot be. Similarly, Prufrock likens himself to a bottom-dwelling crab “ragged claws, floors of silent seas”. Remember, Prufrock does nothing, that character is a puppet for the composer! Composer gets all due credit. Crabs scuttle horizontally and never forward, much as Prufrock moves horizontally in thought but never forward in his actions. The image also conveys Prufrock’s feeling of isolation and futility, and has enduring relevance to our current context, where individuals continuously suppress their emotions and isolate their true personalities. Any elements of the modern context that create this effect (Pokemon Go? ;)) In addition, Prufrock’s social ineptitude is reflected in “to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet”. The spurning mellifluous long vowel sounds adds to the low emotional intensity, contributing to bleak, brutal imagery of futility and banality. This demonstrates the loss of individuality, and society’s demand for conformity. There is a lost sense of genuine self, instead there is a shifting façade dictated by meaningless social conventions. We all metaphorically wear masks that make us socially acceptable at the expense of our personal identities. Little too long without a technique there. Similarly, the parenthetical line “With a bald spot in the middle of my hair” further demonstrates Prufrock’s lack of self-confidence. It begins Prufrock’s preoccupation with what others think of him. He is typified by this. It mitigates the enjoyment he can glean from life. Likewise, Prufrock likens himself to a specimen insect “when I am pinned and wriggling on the wall”. He feels trapped and confined, constantly inspected and analysed by society, an idea still relevant today. He is clearly expressing desperation, helplessness and paralysis in navigating social constructs. Remember to add a conclusion to each paragraph. "Thus, it is clear that _______." Something simple that ties back to the topic of that paragraph.
Eliot draws upon the Freudian aspects of his context and explores the idea of a divided self, reflecting the ambiguity and confusion of human thought and action. This is more like what I wanted to see in the first paragraph! Add a link to how this makes it relevant to the modern audience and you have a winner. He introduces this idea of ambiguity of thought in the first line, “you and I”. Technique? Eliot is referring to Prufrock and the side of Prufrock’s psyche with which he’s engaged in an endless debate, and inviting us on the journey throughout his mind. Be careful not to use plot details to make your points: The focus should always be techniques! Additionally, Eliot uses a simile, “streets that follow like a tedious argument”, comparing the tedious argument Prufrock is having with himself to long and tedious streets. This continues his metaphor of a personal journey through his mind, reflecting the meandering and convoluted nature of his internal argument. Likewise, the lyrical repetition of “there will be time” is emblematic of the speaker’s indecision, caused by the uncertain, hesitant nature of Prufrock’s mind, and emphasises the endless weariness of time that has no purpose, as Prufrock’s life does. Again, focusing a tad too much on Prufrock I believe, remember to extend the idea to wider audiences (us, as responders) frequently! What do we learn? Why is it relevant to us? This idea surpasses Eliot’s context and continues to have enduring relevance with contemporary individuals who fear inadequacy, and as such fail to be decisive for fear of being insufficient for society’s expectations. Similarly, the use of voiceless alveolar stops “to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?” represents his life as a stale, discarded, waste product. This fragmented, sordid image represents his sense of inadequacy, and the disjointed, confused nature of his thinking. In addition, the idea of a divided external and internal persona is represented through the powerful conclusion, “till human voices wake us, and we drown”. Eliot is demonstrating that once we realise that the idealistic views of Romanticism are unattainable, and that our external identities constantly judged by a superficial, pretentious society and always found to be insufficient, your inner persona recognises life as meaningless and empty. Sadly, this bleak epiphany still resonates with many in today’s context. Another fantastic paragraph!!
This is a seriously great essay!! Very clever techniques and analysis, extremely well expressed ideas, context tied in cleverly, super awesome in many ways! ;D
I'll start by saying that first paragraph is, in my opinion, not the way to go. Your writing level can absolutely handle a more integrated approach, where you take those great contextual/stylistic features and just thread them through your other arguments. You have already used contextual features in the other paragraphs; you would just add room for more if you need it. The first paragraph should be replaced with another paragraph of content, which should improve the balance a tad ;D
Your analysis is really powerful; I especially love the way you tie in the styles/periods of romanticism, modernism, etc. Very nice. However, I'm looking for you to tie in the "enduring value" of the text, and why the text remains important for study. Tie into what we as an audience learn, essentially, because it is a part of your question! As you are doing this, try to shift the focus away from the characters (Prufrock) in your text, and shift it to how the composer uses techniques in an effective way to communicate an idea to the audience. It is these techniques that allow the text to demonstrate an enduring relevance, as ideas are communicated in ways that are relevant to all audiences. Focusing on the characters and impacts on characters not only shifts you close to retell, but also prevents you from addressing the question to its full potential. Focus on techniques!
Some little touch ups to analysis (Technique/Explain/Audience) and structure (ensure all paragraphs are introduced with a clear concept) may be needed as you swap that first paragraph to a 3rd normal paragraph. Ensure each paragraph has a clear and distinct purpose that stands alone, but still links to the main idea.
So that is a few improvements I'd suggest, all to try and hit the question a little more appropriately and effectively. A greater focus on techniques, and adapting that first paragraph, should be your focus! I really hope this helps ;D ;D ;D
Post by: onepunchboy on July 19, 2016, 02:40:42 pm
Post by: studybuddy7777 on July 19, 2016, 08:10:54 pm
Made me LOL ;) definitely post it and we'll do our best to get it marked in time (either Elyse or me)!! ;D
Okay ill try my best to get it done but at the moment im having a
Also got a creative and other modules I might post soon, thanks for all your support!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2016, 08:25:28 pm
Okay ill try my best to get it done but at the moment im having aconstant battle with lazinesslazy dayyear
Also got a creative and other modules I might post soon, thanks for all your support!
Sounds like the definition of my life at the moment ;) no worries, good luck with it all!
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 19, 2016, 09:12:23 pm
Just saw this and your feedback is amazing!! Thankyou so much! If I got another draft to you in a few days (say Wednesday or at latest Thurs morning) would you be able to relook at it by Friday 4pm (deadline for drafts to be due into teacher, and we only get one so I want to make it good :)) Again, thanks for marking my speech so quickly!
Ps. I've always spelt it meanie but each to their own I guess :P
Pps. I dont think you are a big meanie but i do think you are a big help ;D
Ppps. I will ensure I ask you any questions I may have, but I dont have any at the moment
Pppps. I might scratch the photo idea as it really cannot relate to my related text, and thats the whole point of it right?
Ppppps. Sorry for all the ps's ;D
Haha! Totally okay! I look forward to seeing it! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 19, 2016, 09:51:03 pm
Hello could you mark my generic for hamlet, wasnt really sure how to approach a generic and was wondering if you could help me out particularly on my clarity of my expresssions and topic sentences thank you.
Hi there! Absolutely! I'll try focus on the expression of ideas and topic sentences, because often when they are perfect, everything else falls into place.
Your essay is in the spoiler here with my own comments in bold:
Spoiler
Hamlet Generic draft
The intrigue of Hamlet is contingent upon its dramatization dramatisation* No biggie, but the z spelling is the American spelling. of the ontological struggle to understand the amorphous nature of being. By extension, Hamlet functions as a dramatic representation of human limitations through its depiction of truth and pretenceserving as as valuable discourse on in the fallibility of ones identity. Drawing upon the contextual zeitgeist of the Renaissance, the questions arising from hierarchal hierarchical* instability exemplify the marginalisation of women and issues of integrity within a corrupt social milieu. Thus, Shakespeare’s masterful manipulations of content, construction and language engender profound commentaries in examining humanities humanity's struggle to reconcile with the incompatible dualities ?? afflicted by an enigmatic world. I've just mixed some things around in the hope that they read a bit smoother. Your ideas are there and they are serving you well! The only thing I'm not sure what you mean about is the use of "dualities" in the last line? Is the duality the women in a society, or is it truth and pretense?
Shakespeare’s explores the human identity as a malleable and dynamic entity that evolves with ones one's* surroundings, being vulnerable to tensions both internally and externally. Awesome topic sentence! No qualms here! The conflict being, the paradigmatic tension between being true to thine own self and fulfilling societal obligations. The reductive microcosm of Denmark in the metaphorical “prison” becomes a metonym representation of the corruptive corrupt* Elsinoire at large, mirroring the turbulent Elizabethan court at the turn of the 17th Century. The establishment of the Danish court as a venal world is seen to precipitate Hamlets status as a disillusioned idealist evident in the vivid juxtaposition between the hyperbolic appraisal “the paragon of animals” and the rhetoric, “what is this quintessence of dust”. Such profound worldly contempt reveals a Renaissance weltschmerz – the philosophical melancholy expounding the tension between his interiority of psychological identity and the exteriority of Denmark. The dissonance prevalent within Hamlets Hamlet's fragmented identity is also brought to the forefront by the Senecan ghost as he is “prompted to my revenge by heaven and hell”. The utilisation of antithesis reveal the odds which stand against Hamlets Hamlet's*uncertainty in enacting retribution, as he is trapped between the filial obligation of an inherently medieval value system and rationalization in line with Renaissance thinking. Analogously, as A.C Swinburne rightly affirms, Hamlets innermost nature is subject to a “strong conflux of contending forces”. Furthremore, Furthermore* shakespeare’s Shakespeare's* (capital S)control of iambic pentameter no comma needed here in the transition from prose to verse, (comma here) in switching from interacting with the players to Horatio where there is a shift from interacting with the layers to Horatio, accentuates Hamlets desire to identify with Horatio’s ideal stoicism and ratiocination for he is “a man that is not passions slave”. Hamlets Hamlet's* capacity to conjure intensely emotional thoughts and react violently are thus a “ product of errors in reasoning”, by extension this validates the anaphoric auxesis in the extended metaphor ,”the table of my memory,/Ill wipe away all trivial fond’s records” demonstrating Hamlets Hamlet'sdeeper desire to eradicate the knowledge and memory that make him the rational individual, distanced from the instinctiveness required of action. Consequently, Hamlets Hamlet's* assertion “theres a divinity that shapes our ends” reflects his abandonment of the Humanistic pursuit to locate his inward identity , achieving equanimity, a stoic acceptance of life and death. Nonetheless, Hamlets Hamlet's*failure to reconcile internal and external landscapes supports John Bells Give John Bells a title. From a google search I think he is an actor? In which case: "Australian Actor, John Bells..."exegesis that “ hamlet is and always will be an enigma”, as the personas persona's complex ambiguity is what allows responders to self-reflexively establish their own perceptions of the character. Your ideas here are wonderful! Just astounding. You have such a complicated, deep grasp on all of this and it's awesome. Your grammar is letting you down, but I'll talk about this in an end note :)
Throughvirtually every manycharacters character's* adoption of “by indirections find directions” , Shakespeare foregrounds the thematic undercurrents of the conflation between truth and pretence which further undermines ones sense of self. The topic sentence here is good, but we can make it better. I think it works best to open with, "The conflation between truth and pretence can undermine one's sense of self. Shakespeare explores this notion through each character's adoption of..."
I'm suggesting this because I think you present an awesome idea in your topic sentence about truth and pretence, but you leave it until the end of the sentence. I think it needs to be privileged earlier on. Though Claudius is an adept statesman whose rehearsed, antithetical statement “With mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” embodies his diplomatic skill, Shakespeare exemplifies “mans dual nature” through paradoxes bound in smooth syntactical balance . Where the complex phonetic equation disguises his Machiavellian style alluding to Montaigne skeptiscm skepticism*essays regarding humanity’s inability to discover the “realities” in appearances. This is further expounded upon through the paralipsis” what majesty should be, what duty is” reflecting vein of absurdist world views which permeate the play. Thus the limits of human perception is accentuated by these outward constructs as ironically Hamlet becomes immersed upon acting and mimicry to seek authenticity. Furthermore during the “Murder of Gonzago”, Shakespeare implicitly complicates the audiences audience's* view on the notion of acting, comma associating it as an integral aspect of the human identity. Evident through hamlets impersonation of the players’ histrionic and hyperbolic performance “ bloody, bawdy villain” dramatizing dramatising* the plays focus upon humanities desire for moral and psychological cogency within a world that escapes interpretation and consent. Additionally, in accordance with Polonius’ maxim “The apparel oft proclaims the man”, clothing becomes a recurrent motif “ inky cloak”,”suits of solemn black” signifying the incongruity between external representations and internal nature deterring one from self-actualisation. Thus Shakespeare explores the limitations and boundaries of man which threatens Hamlets capacity for agency revealing his disrupted psyche.
Hamlets inner turmoil is also seen to problematize problematise*his attitudes towards women, engendering misogynist worldviews reflective of the logo centrism within the 17thC patriarchy. Such contempt is emphasised through censures loaded with highly condemnatory diction, “increase of appetite…a beast that wants discourse of reason”, reducing a woman with agency and narrative to the equivalent of that an animal as Shakespeare reinforces the perpetuating idea of gender marginalisation. Additionally, comma player queens claim that her second marriage is “trason in my breast/non wed the second but who killed the first” suggests Gertrude’s infidelity and indirect involvement in the regicide is tantamount to murder foreshadowing his dysfunctional relationship with Ophelia . Furthermore, after Gertrude’s infidelity Hamlet begins to question the consistency of women and accuses Ophelia as being a” breeder of sinners” extricating himself of his own self-loathing upon the archetypal subservient Ophelia. The transition between rhythmic verses to forceful prose : “ I loved you once”/I love you not”/ Get thee to a nunnery” emphasises the inconsistences within his own speech and the moral paralysis he encounters. This psychological dissonance instigates Ophelias descent to true madness as Hamlet transfers his “ turbulent and dangerous lunacy” and in accordance to Klett, “ Madness, grants her access to voice”. Showcased by the dynamic contrast between her earlier maidenly “ vows to heaven?” to the later bawdy lyrics “ I am a maid at your window, to be your valentine” which presents the suppressed sexual and psychological excesses of the feminine form in the Elizabethan era. By extension, it symbolizes a tangent in the play disrupting social order and harmony of the play, disintegrating the facades which shrouded Denmark earlier. Thus through Shakespeare dramatic exploration of women through the lens of the Jacobean milieu, a deeper understanding of hamlets inner turmoil is achieved.
The intrigue of Hamlet is contingent upon its dramatization dramatisation* No biggie, but the z spelling is the American spelling. of the ontological struggle to understand the amorphous nature of being. By extension, Hamlet functions as a dramatic representation of human limitations through its depiction of truth and pretence
Shakespeare
Through
I'm suggesting this because I think you present an awesome idea in your topic sentence about truth and pretence, but you leave it until the end of the sentence. I think it needs to be privileged earlier on. Though Claudius is an adept statesman whose rehearsed, antithetical statement “With mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” embodies his diplomatic skill, Shakespeare exemplifies “mans dual nature” through paradoxes bound in smooth syntactical balance . Where the complex phonetic equation disguises his Machiavellian style alluding to Montaigne skeptiscm skepticism*essays regarding humanity’s inability to discover the “realities” in appearances. This is further expounded upon through the paralipsis” what majesty should be, what duty is” reflecting vein of absurdist world views which permeate the play. Thus the limits of human perception is accentuated by these outward constructs as ironically Hamlet becomes immersed upon acting and mimicry to seek authenticity. Furthermore during the “Murder of Gonzago”, Shakespeare implicitly complicates the audiences audience's* view on the notion of acting, comma associating it as an integral aspect of the human identity. Evident through hamlets impersonation of the players’ histrionic and hyperbolic performance “ bloody, bawdy villain” dramatizing dramatising* the plays focus upon humanities desire for moral and psychological cogency within a world that escapes interpretation and consent. Additionally, in accordance with Polonius’ maxim “The apparel oft proclaims the man”, clothing becomes a recurrent motif “ inky cloak”,”suits of solemn black” signifying the incongruity between external representations and internal nature deterring one from self-actualisation. Thus Shakespeare explores the limitations and boundaries of man which threatens Hamlets capacity for agency revealing his disrupted psyche.
Hamlets inner turmoil is also seen to problematize problematise*his attitudes towards women, engendering misogynist worldviews reflective of the logo centrism within the 17thC patriarchy. Such contempt is emphasised through censures loaded with highly condemnatory diction, “increase of appetite…a beast that wants discourse of reason”, reducing a woman with agency and narrative to the equivalent of that an animal as Shakespeare reinforces the perpetuating idea of gender marginalisation. Additionally, comma player queens claim that her second marriage is “trason in my breast/non wed the second but who killed the first” suggests Gertrude’s infidelity and indirect involvement in the regicide is tantamount to murder foreshadowing his dysfunctional relationship with Ophelia . Furthermore, after Gertrude’s infidelity Hamlet begins to question the consistency of women and accuses Ophelia as being a” breeder of sinners” extricating himself of his own self-loathing upon the archetypal subservient Ophelia. The transition between rhythmic verses to forceful prose : “ I loved you once”/I love you not”/ Get thee to a nunnery” emphasises the inconsistences within his own speech and the moral paralysis he encounters. This psychological dissonance instigates Ophelias descent to true madness as Hamlet transfers his “ turbulent and dangerous lunacy” and in accordance to Klett, “ Madness, grants her access to voice”. Showcased by the dynamic contrast between her earlier maidenly “ vows to heaven?” to the later bawdy lyrics “ I am a maid at your window, to be your valentine” which presents the suppressed sexual and psychological excesses of the feminine form in the Elizabethan era. By extension, it symbolizes a tangent in the play disrupting social order and harmony of the play, disintegrating the facades which shrouded Denmark earlier. Thus through Shakespeare dramatic exploration of women through the lens of the Jacobean milieu, a deeper understanding of hamlets inner turmoil is achieved.
The biggest problem facing your work right now is grammatical mistakes, because it means that a reader, like myself, has to double-read some sentences to understand the point. The possessive apostrophe is the biggest issue in your writing at the moment. I've corrected some but not all. It makes an enormous difference to the way a reader will read your work, but also a big difference to the integrity of your work. A few times I switched around the syntax to make sure that the most important parts of your argument were highlighted, and usually this means putting it on a sentence of its own or moving it to the front of the sentence.
The amazing part about your work is the wonderful grasp you have on the text. Your idea of identity and the fluid nature of a human to context is very unique and I very, very much enjoyed reading it. The argument and textual knowledge is there, but the first priority now is fixing the grammar and reviewing each sentence to make sure you are privileging your most important arguments over secondary knowledge.
With this improvement, and I solemnly swear that the integrity of your work will sky rocket. Which is amazing, because your arguments are so unique and supported right now that the more of the piece we have working together, the better. That's the key to getting in the top ranges: making sure all aspects of the work come together to create a really cohesive, sustained argument. The content of your work is awesome, we just need to tie it all together with impressive grammar and syntax! Please ask if anything doesn't make sense and I will try to clarify :)
Post by: maddygeraghty7 on July 19, 2016, 09:54:55 pm
I was just wondering if you could take a look at one of my Module A paragraphs - Letters to Alice + Pride & Prejudice. I'm kinda new to the whole ATAR notes thing :)
Post by: Spencerr on July 19, 2016, 09:59:11 pm
Hey there,
I was just wondering if you could take a look at one of my Module A paragraphs - Letters to Alice + Pride & Prejudice. I'm kinda new to the whole ATAR notes thing :)
Hey Maddy, i think there's a rule that you gotta post 5 times for every essay you want marked. get posting :P
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 19, 2016, 10:03:11 pm
Hey there,
I was just wondering if you could take a look at one of my Module A paragraphs - Letters to Alice + Pride & Prejudice. I'm kinda new to the whole ATAR notes thing :)
Welcome Maddy! Glad to see you've found your way to the forum :) As diiii suggested, you need to post 5 times on the site to have a piece marked. You've posted once, so now just three more times + posting the actual essay! :) You can ask questions, answer questions, or have some general chat in the HSC 2016 Discussion forum. There's a lot of resources to absorb just by looking, but if you have a question about ANYTHING, post it! :)
Post by: alyssastama on July 20, 2016, 05:30:50 pm
I'm struggling a bit with trying to figure out my overall thesis for T.S Eliot... I was wondering if you could have a look at what I have and let me know if you have any suggestions? It's attached. :)
Thanks!
Post by: foodmood16 on July 20, 2016, 09:09:50 pm
There is no conclusion because I made it up on the day
Question: A valuable text has something to say and says it well. How valid is your response to this claim, considering the different contexts in which a text can be received? In your answer refer to your prescribed text, Hamlet, the provided critical response and other evaluations by critics.
Over time, personal ideologies transform to fit with the changing morals and belief systems of the time. However, these beliefs can be challenged by previous medieval attitudes, ultimately changing an individual’s perception of the human condition. Written in 1599-1601, Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ was produced at a time of political and moral disorder in Elizabethan England. He has incorporated these conflicting beliefs into the characterisation of Hamlet, making him the most psychologically complex character. The antagonising beliefs, including that of the traditional Catholic Church, the rise of Protestantism, and the secular Renaissance Humanist movement are all evident throughout the revenge tragedy and used to evoke audience responses. This makes ‘Hamlet’ a valuable text, both then in the 17th century and in today’s modern society.
At first, conflicting beliefs can lead to the question of reality and truth. In ‘Hamlet’, Shakespeare raises the contradiction of belief systems, and how they are represented in the characterisation of Hamlet. Act 1, Scene 5 is where Hamlet and Old Hamlet’s ghost converse, with the Ghost’s imperative command of “revenge his foul and most unnatural murther.” However, the origin of the Ghost is uncertain as he claims he is suffering in “sulph’rous and tormenting flames … are burnt and purg’d away.” The grotesque imagery references hell and purgatory, and is confronting for both Hamlet and the Elizabethan audience. The act of purgatory only occurs in the Catholic faith, where an individual is cleansed of their sins before preceding to heaven. This differs from the Elizabethan Protestant Church, where such doesn’t exist. The suspicions of the apparition’s origin are increased through the simile “Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres”. Despite this, the Ghost still expects Hamlet to revenge Claudius, predetermining his own fate. Hamlet’s confusion is furthered in his second soliloquy. “O all you host of heaven! O earth! What else?” Hamlet’s confounded state is reflected here, as he doesn’t know whether to look to God or his own Humanist logic and reason to understand the Ghost’s revelations. By the end of the soliloquy, Hamlet decides to use the humanist approach, “the book and volume of my brain, / Unmix’d with baser matter” to evaluate whether to seek revenge on Claudius. As a result, Shakespeare challenges the medieval beliefs of the Elizabethan audience, through the contradiction of the oral ideologies of Humanism and Catholic beliefs. In contrast, society today is shaped by a combination of these values, making the text a timeless and valuable one.
Conflicting beliefs results in the inaction of vengeance. Hamlet’s actions are restricted by the conflicting thoughts and moral values of the Elizabethan era. In Act 3, Scene 3, Hamlet finds Claudius kneeling asking “Help, angels!” to free his sins. Because of this, Hamlet refrains from killing Claudius by using low modality language, “Might I do it pat, now he is praying”. Hamlet is restricted in his actions due to the Catholic doctrine, where an unexpected death results in going to hell instead of heaven. He believes this despite his Humanist education, where the logic and reason overrules the religious morals. In order to take full revenge, Hamlet must kill Claudius “When he is drunk asleep; or in his rage;/or in th’ incestuous pleasure of his bed” The repetition of incestuous imagery represents Hamlet’s plan to kill Claudius whilst he is in sinful activity to guarantee “his soul may be as damn’d and black / As hell”. Hamlet’s actions are influenced by the Christian values and result in his inaction and his fatal flaw.
The traditional beliefs that clash with the morality of an individual eventually take precedence. The last act of ‘Hamlet’ is where Hamlet’s acceptance of fate comes to light, contradicting the Humanist idea of free-will. As critic Kenneth Muir stated in 1963, “Hamlet, although corrupted by the evil with which he is asked to deal, does at last resign himself to becoming the agent of Christian providence.” Hamlet’s philosophical thoughts leads him to the medieval values, instead of pursuing the beliefs of his secular education. In Act 5, Scene 2, Hamlet succumbs to the fact that fate will always be the guide in an individual’s decisions. “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, / Rough – hew them how we will.” This is the first time that Hamlet mentions that not everything in his world is controlled by logic and reason. Shakespeare introduces to the audience that only the divine power determines one’s fate, something they would be familiar with. This is something that Hamlet would not be able to conclude at the start of the play. “Not a whit, we defy augury. There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow” The metaphor alludes to the Bible, and that God oversees all of life. Through the paradox of the conflicting Humanist and pagan values, Shakespeare has explored the themes that are universal and applicable to any society, making ‘Hamlet’ a value text.
Post by: danielan2016 on July 20, 2016, 09:29:12 pm
I was just wondering if you were able to mark my English Advanced Essay and give me some extra tips? Would mean a lot! Its a 'Module C' essay and the texts I'm doing are "Art of Travel" and "Lost in Translation". Thanks heaps!!
Landscapes affect people in significant ways.
Representations of landscapes are shaped through the lens of form and language. The ability of landscapes to surpass the boundaries of the finite world is represented through the intricate relationship between people and landscapes. Alain De Botton’s multimodal text and pastiche ‘Art of Travel’ explores relationships with landscapes being shaped by others. Likewise, Sofia Coppola’s movie ‘Lost in Translation’ where two characters find themselves feeling alone and lost in the foreign landscape explores the ways in which travel can open our eyes to new experiences. Both texts explore how travelling to different landscapes can affect people significantly.
In Chapter 1 ‘On Anticipation’, De Botton explores the difference between the imagined experience and the reality of the destination. Alain De Botton looks at travel through the eyes of those who have gone before to ask why people travel and go on epistemological search’s for understanding. De Botton implies that our expectations and perceptions of particular landscapes such as the ‘allure of a white sandy beach’ may not match up with the actual experience. Whereas, such places seem to hold the promises of healing our negative physiological states, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”. Painting’s provide mediated cultural perspectives on landscapes such as the use of the intertextual reference within the novel such as the painting by William Hodges “Tahiti Revisited, 1776” emphasising the idea of an ‘idealised landscape’ with the salient feature of the trees foregrounded and the framing of the landscape to denote its power and beauty which inspires De Botton to consider the brochure he receives in the mail advertising ‘Winter Sun’ in Barbados. The scale of the palm trees and the vector lines drawing our eyes to the endless sea and sand connote warmth and relaxation offered in contrast to the dull grey wintery London. When he arrives in Barbados, De Botton states “Nothing was as I had imagined” and supports this when he metaphorically portrays ideas offering an insight into the effect of imagination on landscape, “my mind and body were to prove temperamental accomplices in the mission of appreciating my destination”. The personification alludes to the way in which his mindset cannot be controlled and this affects the way in which he can appreciate his holiday landscape. Thus, De Botton explores the way individuals experience landscapes through senses and imagination.
‘Lost in Translation’ explores how travel can change character’s perspectives and teach them about new cultures and landscapes. Bob Harris, an ageing film actor is an example of a person who is exposed to new experiences, however his mindset does not allow for him to appreciate his new environment. Tokyo, is a city with different languages, neon lights, commercial enterprises and sky scrapes which is unusual to Bob as its unique to him. On the way to the hotel, Bob is in a cab, jetlagged and the close up of the glass taxi window exemplifies how Bob is separated from the environment symbolising he is less open to new experiences and the music contributes a soporific influence. When we travel, we often look like the odd one out, the mis-en-seen shot of Bob in the lift with nine Japanese men, about a foot smaller than him indicates this as he is the odd one out as an American. Charlotte, however is more open yet unable to find true spiritual enlightenment at the Shrine but enhances dissatisfied. The medium shot of her face crying on the phone to her sister saying “I went to a Shrine today and I didn’t feel anything” showing how the imagined doesn’t always align with reality. Thus, we see the connection with familiar landscapes that form parts of a political and cultural identity, as characters feel they belong to one place, one religion, one culture.
Furthermore, De Botton’s chapter, “Exotic” reveals the romance of the completely different worlds in foreign and exotic spaces where the most ordinary things may appear to be exciting simply because they exist in a foreign place. De Botton visits Amsterdam and uncovers its exoticness which is supported by the sign at the Schiphol Airport in Dutch writing and the red front house door which signifies the difference between London’s and Amsterdam’s housing and architecture. De Botton states that the sign “delights me, a delight for which the adjective exotic” which is reinforced by the representation of the visual image of the sign, “the exoticism is located in particular areas: in the double A of Aankomst, in the neighbourliness of a u and an I in Utigang”. However, not only is it the sign that uncovers exoticness but so does the red door, the tone used when De Botton says “I stopped by a red front door and felt an intense longing to spend the rest of my life there” is important as he realises that such little ordinary things are exotic simply because they exist in a foreign country implied in the rhetorical question “Why be seduced by something as small as a front door in another country?”. Thus, De Botton explores that it is impossible to forge an identity through a relationship with the landscape and an exploration of what is significant in the foreign landscape.
Within ‘Lost in Translation’, travel is apparent in exposing people to new experiences. Moving away from comfort zones, characters make unlikely connections with other people they normally wouldn’t meet and yet are unable to escape everyday family responsibilities. In travelling, barriers are problematic and often caused by miscommunication due to different languages. To navigate around Tokyo, Charlotte uses a large map displaying the difficulties of navigating around foreign land as its another language. Nevertheless, travel can expose people to new experiences but it can also not allow them to escape from every-day responsibilities. Bob, whom is married is being intruded on by home to do these responsibilities as his wife sends a ‘FedEx package’ displaying that he can’t escape his family duties. Thus, by travelling to landscapes, people are affected by doing things they normally wouldn’t do.
In conclusion, representations of landscapes are shaped through the lens of form and language. Through examining ‘Art of Travel’ and ‘Lost in Translation’, we as readers and viewers uncover the ability of landscapes in surpassing the boundaries of the finite world represented through the intricate relationship between people and landscapes.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 20, 2016, 10:29:03 pm
Hi there,
I was just wondering if you were able to mark my English Advanced Essay and give me some extra tips? Would mean a lot! Its a 'Module C' essay and the texts I'm doing are "Art of Travel" and "Lost in Translation". Thanks heaps!!
Hey there Danielan2016! Welcome to the forums!! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay. Unfortunately, we require that every user has 5 ATAR Notes posts for every essay/creative they'd like marked. So 1 essay needs 5 posts, 5 essays needs 25 posts, etc. This is to ensure that the service remains accessible and attainable for active members of the ATAR Notes community. Feel free to hang around the forums, ask some questions, say hey in our chit chat thread, and build up your post count! Then just pop back in and let us know when you meet the threshold. Thanks in advance!! ;D
(Full Rules on Essay Marking Available at the Link In my Signature Below) 8)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 20, 2016, 10:32:30 pm
Hey, here is my Hamlet Module B essay. I recently got my feedback and wondering how I could improve it before trials, Thanks :)
There is no conclusion because I made it up on the day
Hey food mood! I'll mark your essay for you tomorrow, was there anything in your feedback that I should focus on? Get told anything I should keep my eyes out for? :D
Post by: Spencerr on July 20, 2016, 11:00:03 pm
Hey food mood! I'll mark your essay for you tomorrow, was there anything in your feedback that I should focus on? Get told anything I should keep my eyes out for? :D
Don't forget about mine!!! :'( :'(
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 20, 2016, 11:32:34 pm
Don't forget about mine!!! :'( :'(
Oh wow my bad diiiiiiiii I missed that essay!! You'll be marked first up in the morning ;D sorry!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 21, 2016, 10:51:18 am
Helloo, I've finished writing a module C essay. My trials are in 10 days around! I'd really appreciate it if I could get some feedback. Thanks :))))
Hey diiiiiiii! Sorry I missed this yesterday, your essay is attached with feedback throughout! ;D
Spoiler
Textual constructions are inevitably imbued with subjectivity of the composer, reflecting an amalgamation of idiosyncratic political biases, motivations and understandings. The composer’s ability to manipulate textual elements, respective of their medium, allows them to represent certain political events, situations or personalities selectively and thereby exhort responders into accepting certain political truths. Fantastic introduction and Thesis! Links very clearly to the module. Through the study of Auden’s poems, including September 1 1939 and Spain 1937, based on the disparagement of Fascism and totalitarian governments, and Michael Moore’s documentary Fahrenheit 9/11, ethically discrediting the Bush administration, the extent to which composers employ deliberate acts of representation to manipulate responders is articulated. Only thing I'd like to see here (as well as answering the question more directly when you have one) would be a list of what themes your body paragraphs will deal with. Besides that, fantastic, works wonderfull!
Auden’s propaganda poem Spain attempts to instigate political action by deliberately representing the struggle against Fascism as a just and moral cause. Try to make your first sentence in a paragraph completely separate from your specific texts, more conceptual, just like your Thesis! Written during the Spanish Civil War (1937), Auden, a left wing sympathiser, captures the political climate of his time, notably, the clash between Fascist and Marxist ideologies. Foregrounding inventions of “the counting frame and the cromlech”, symbols of evolution and civilisation, Auden proffers a dense vision of Spain’s “yesterday..the past”, representing history as the outcome of man’s choices. However the repeated refrain “But today the struggle”, an allusion to popular Marxist revolutionary slogans, coalesces with the elegiac tone to manifest a mood of despondence for Spain’s bleak “today” reality, engendered by the destructive influence of Fascism. Fantastic analysis! In order to garner the moral complicity of his audience, Auden employs a tripartite structure of “yesterday..today...tomorrow”, presenting a utopic “tomorrow..the future”, free from tension and fear, that will only crystallise through political activism. The personification of Spain as it declares “I am your choice, your decision, ..I am Spain” represents Spain’s vulnerable and fragile political situation, positing responsibility upon the circumscribed responder to choose between “the just city”, symbolic for a Republican victory, or the “suicide pact, the romantic Death.” Excellent. Auden ‘s euphemistic depiction of war, “the necessary murder” , as an essential medium for seminal change affirms the priority of making political commitments above individual and moral discriminations. Thus, through powerful acts of representation, Auden aligns responders with his political agenda. A fantastic paragraph!! Not much I can fault at all, do remember to link to the more general audience impact though, what do we realise about how composers align responders with their political agendas? Just an ever so slight step away from the text will make this paragraph near perfection.
Like Auden in Spain, Moore espouses his political ideology through Fahrenheit 9/11, cinematically implementing analogous means of manipulation to detract from the social integrity of the Bush administration. Again, try to make a more general comment first, about composers in general. I know this is really tough in an essay like this, especially the way you are approaching it, so by no means consider this mandatory. What you have works extremely well. Exploiting the documentary medium to construct a sense of verisimilitude, Moore presents a distorted left-wing view of the Republican administration’s response to the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre. From the outset, a satirical montage of Bush “relaxing at camp David..yachting..and being a cowboy in Texas”, accentuated by the statistic that “Bush was on vacation for 42% of the time” positions audiences to accept Moore’s representation of Bush’s presidential ineptitude. Perfect. Through his collective employment of non-diegetic music overlapping diegetic screams of anguish, Moore, like Auden, evokes pathos to emotionalise audiences in a gripping portrayal of the “largest foreign attack ever on American soil”. Fantastic blend of your quotes into your explanations, your writing style is excellent. However the abrupt juxtaposition of such an emotive scene in which “3000 people ...were killed” to contextualised close-ups of a “happy, smiling and confident” Bush characterises Bush as a nonchalant facade. Notably, when Bush is first alerted to the terrorist attacks, Moore’s time lapse conveying Bush’s stupefied reaction coupled with the mocking voiceover “what on earth was he thinking”, effectively undermines Bush’s leadership capabilities. Thus Moore’s demagoguery of the Bush administration, paralleling Auden’s diatribe of fascism, showcases how both composers manipulate medium and textual elements to represent political perspectives. I love that you link back to the prior text here too, works really nicely, another fantastic paragraph!! ;D
Further demonstrating the composer’s ability to selective shape meaning, Auden in September 1, 1939 represents authoritarian figures as subverting the social contract to complement their ultimate political aims. This is a little more conceptual than the others (first phrase), as such works even better than your prior introductions. From the outset, Auden’s titular allusion to the invasion of Poland by Hitler and the Nazi Party engenders an ominous atmosphere, substantiating his “uncertain and afraid” attitude towards a “low dishonest decade”. Auden sardonically introduces nationalistic sentiments as “the whole offence..that has driven a culture mad”, representing it as a tool of manipulation exploited by dictatorships to coerce society in politically motivated acts of war. Such critiques are aggrandised through Auden’s metaphorical depiction of Hitler as a “psychopathic God”, which foregrounds the powerlessness of the individual in the face of the totalitarian state. Auden’s use of a double entendre “darkened”, represents society as figuratively “darkened” by the deception and mendacity of the government, thereby consolidating Auden’s scepticism towards the “lie of authority”. Positioning himself as a dissenting voice to “undo the folded lie”, Auden judicially elevates the veracity of his aphorism, declaring “we must love one another or die” to denounce nationalism and thus, foreground the necessity of “universal love”. We've had no mention of audience in this paragraph yet. This module, it is super important to be relating the techniques to their effect on the responder! Through synthesising the personal and political dimension in his paradoxical assertion that “there is no such thing as the state/ and no one exists alone”, Auden exhorts the responder to show an “affirming flame” and repudiate collective ideologies such as nationalism. There we go, first mention of the responder there, I'd definitely like to see more audience links in this paragraph. Thus September 1, 1939 exemplifies the unconscious influence of political perspectives on textual representations.
Imbued with similar intentions, Fahrenheit 9/11 constitutes a compelling representation of societal manipulation perpetrated by the Bush administration in the pursuit of political interests. Moore questions the impetus behind the “War on Terror”, presenting the American occupation of Iraq as unjustified and politically motivated. He selectively employs an extended diegesis of the 9/11 attack, omitting visual footage to dissociate the emotions of retribution and anger. Thus, Moore cultivates sympathy within his audience to divert their vindication of the Iraqi war, undermining Auden’s aphorism “to whom evil is done / Do evil in return..” Through a visual montage of the government arbitrarily altering the terror alert level, Moore represents the Bush administration as exploiting the psychological fear of terrorism to coerce society into supporting the “war on terror”, thereby substantiating his simile that “they played us like an organ”. Ultimately, Moore, like Auden, explicates the potential for politically instigated acts to “obsess...private lives” , exemplified by his emotional interview with Lila Lipscomp. Syntagmatically intercutting graphic war-zone footage with close up shots of Lipscomp grieving over the death of her son and formal White House dinners, Moore represents the American government as manipulative and indifferent to the plight of society. What effect would this have on responders, particularly patriotic Americans? Thus, Moore and Auden, both manipulate medium to construct subjective political truths, enforcing pejorative perceptions of the government. Great, succinct conclusion.
Ultimately, composers utilise texts as didactic vehicles to convey political perspectives and ideals, positioning responders to engage with their political perspectives. Whilst Auden in Spain and September manipulates literary devices to espouse his Marxist values and denounce collectivist ideologies, Moore subverts conventions of the documentary medium, confrontingly alerting audiences to the moral bankruptcy and mendacity of the Bush administration. I'd like one more sentence here bringing everything together, like, "Thus, it clear how __________." Like a bow on the wrapping paper.
Auden’s propaganda poem Spain attempts to instigate political action by deliberately representing the struggle against Fascism as a just and moral cause. Try to make your first sentence in a paragraph completely separate from your specific texts, more conceptual, just like your Thesis! Written during the Spanish Civil War (1937), Auden, a left wing sympathiser, captures the political climate of his time, notably, the clash between Fascist and Marxist ideologies. Foregrounding inventions of “the counting frame and the cromlech”, symbols of evolution and civilisation, Auden proffers a dense vision of Spain’s “yesterday..the past”, representing history as the outcome of man’s choices. However the repeated refrain “But today the struggle”, an allusion to popular Marxist revolutionary slogans, coalesces with the elegiac tone to manifest a mood of despondence for Spain’s bleak “today” reality, engendered by the destructive influence of Fascism. Fantastic analysis! In order to garner the moral complicity of his audience, Auden employs a tripartite structure of “yesterday..today...tomorrow”, presenting a utopic “tomorrow..the future”, free from tension and fear, that will only crystallise through political activism. The personification of Spain as it declares “I am your choice, your decision, ..I am Spain” represents Spain’s vulnerable and fragile political situation, positing responsibility upon the circumscribed responder to choose between “the just city”, symbolic for a Republican victory, or the “suicide pact, the romantic Death.” Excellent. Auden ‘s euphemistic depiction of war, “the necessary murder” , as an essential medium for seminal change affirms the priority of making political commitments above individual and moral discriminations. Thus, through powerful acts of representation, Auden aligns responders with his political agenda. A fantastic paragraph!! Not much I can fault at all, do remember to link to the more general audience impact though, what do we realise about how composers align responders with their political agendas? Just an ever so slight step away from the text will make this paragraph near perfection.
Like Auden in Spain, Moore espouses his political ideology through Fahrenheit 9/11, cinematically implementing analogous means of manipulation to detract from the social integrity of the Bush administration. Again, try to make a more general comment first, about composers in general. I know this is really tough in an essay like this, especially the way you are approaching it, so by no means consider this mandatory. What you have works extremely well. Exploiting the documentary medium to construct a sense of verisimilitude, Moore presents a distorted left-wing view of the Republican administration’s response to the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre. From the outset, a satirical montage of Bush “relaxing at camp David..yachting..and being a cowboy in Texas”, accentuated by the statistic that “Bush was on vacation for 42% of the time” positions audiences to accept Moore’s representation of Bush’s presidential ineptitude. Perfect. Through his collective employment of non-diegetic music overlapping diegetic screams of anguish, Moore, like Auden, evokes pathos to emotionalise audiences in a gripping portrayal of the “largest foreign attack ever on American soil”. Fantastic blend of your quotes into your explanations, your writing style is excellent. However the abrupt juxtaposition of such an emotive scene in which “3000 people ...were killed” to contextualised close-ups of a “happy, smiling and confident” Bush characterises Bush as a nonchalant facade. Notably, when Bush is first alerted to the terrorist attacks, Moore’s time lapse conveying Bush’s stupefied reaction coupled with the mocking voiceover “what on earth was he thinking”, effectively undermines Bush’s leadership capabilities. Thus Moore’s demagoguery of the Bush administration, paralleling Auden’s diatribe of fascism, showcases how both composers manipulate medium and textual elements to represent political perspectives. I love that you link back to the prior text here too, works really nicely, another fantastic paragraph!! ;D
Further demonstrating the composer’s ability to selective shape meaning, Auden in September 1, 1939 represents authoritarian figures as subverting the social contract to complement their ultimate political aims. This is a little more conceptual than the others (first phrase), as such works even better than your prior introductions. From the outset, Auden’s titular allusion to the invasion of Poland by Hitler and the Nazi Party engenders an ominous atmosphere, substantiating his “uncertain and afraid” attitude towards a “low dishonest decade”. Auden sardonically introduces nationalistic sentiments as “the whole offence..that has driven a culture mad”, representing it as a tool of manipulation exploited by dictatorships to coerce society in politically motivated acts of war. Such critiques are aggrandised through Auden’s metaphorical depiction of Hitler as a “psychopathic God”, which foregrounds the powerlessness of the individual in the face of the totalitarian state. Auden’s use of a double entendre “darkened”, represents society as figuratively “darkened” by the deception and mendacity of the government, thereby consolidating Auden’s scepticism towards the “lie of authority”. Positioning himself as a dissenting voice to “undo the folded lie”, Auden judicially elevates the veracity of his aphorism, declaring “we must love one another or die” to denounce nationalism and thus, foreground the necessity of “universal love”. We've had no mention of audience in this paragraph yet. This module, it is super important to be relating the techniques to their effect on the responder! Through synthesising the personal and political dimension in his paradoxical assertion that “there is no such thing as the state/ and no one exists alone”, Auden exhorts the responder to show an “affirming flame” and repudiate collective ideologies such as nationalism. There we go, first mention of the responder there, I'd definitely like to see more audience links in this paragraph. Thus September 1, 1939 exemplifies the unconscious influence of political perspectives on textual representations.
Imbued with similar intentions, Fahrenheit 9/11 constitutes a compelling representation of societal manipulation perpetrated by the Bush administration in the pursuit of political interests. Moore questions the impetus behind the “War on Terror”, presenting the American occupation of Iraq as unjustified and politically motivated. He selectively employs an extended diegesis of the 9/11 attack, omitting visual footage to dissociate the emotions of retribution and anger. Thus, Moore cultivates sympathy within his audience to divert their vindication of the Iraqi war, undermining Auden’s aphorism “to whom evil is done / Do evil in return..” Through a visual montage of the government arbitrarily altering the terror alert level, Moore represents the Bush administration as exploiting the psychological fear of terrorism to coerce society into supporting the “war on terror”, thereby substantiating his simile that “they played us like an organ”. Ultimately, Moore, like Auden, explicates the potential for politically instigated acts to “obsess...private lives” , exemplified by his emotional interview with Lila Lipscomp. Syntagmatically intercutting graphic war-zone footage with close up shots of Lipscomp grieving over the death of her son and formal White House dinners, Moore represents the American government as manipulative and indifferent to the plight of society. What effect would this have on responders, particularly patriotic Americans? Thus, Moore and Auden, both manipulate medium to construct subjective political truths, enforcing pejorative perceptions of the government. Great, succinct conclusion.
Ultimately, composers utilise texts as didactic vehicles to convey political perspectives and ideals, positioning responders to engage with their political perspectives. Whilst Auden in Spain and September manipulates literary devices to espouse his Marxist values and denounce collectivist ideologies, Moore subverts conventions of the documentary medium, confrontingly alerting audiences to the moral bankruptcy and mendacity of the Bush administration. I'd like one more sentence here bringing everything together, like, "Thus, it clear how __________." Like a bow on the wrapping paper.
I think you should feel very confident for your trials, this is an absolutely fantastic essay!! Analysis is near perfect with a variety of literary and filmic techniques, fantastic conceptual focus (I think the "block response" over integrated response works well for you here), and your style of writing is extremely sophisticated; easy to digest but gives a lot of information very quickly. The way you integrate your quotes into your writing accentuates that ;D
My comments are nitpicks, you already have a wonderful essay, however I still want to give you some things to improve :)
First, some more conceptual introductory sentences for your body paragraphs. In general, this comes from stepping away from the text a bit, and starting by saying, "Hey, I understand what composers in general do to represent political motivations. Now in THIS paragraph I'll be chatting about this text..." It suggests a broader understanding than just focusing on what THIS composer does. Conceptual starts are always a more effective approach, but I do think your conceptual statements work really well right now too, so you can use this piece of feedback if you like ;)
What I would definitely like to see is a more consistent consideration of the audience impacts. You do it really well in areas, but you forget about it a bit towards the end. What effect does the technique have on the responder? Why was this technique chosen over others? What does the audience realise about the nature of composers manipulating their audience? Some things to consider, this module it is super important to consider the audience frequently ;D
All that said, this is bloody brilliant. You should feel VERY confident for your upcoming Trials. You should try writing this essay in response to a specific question, responding to a question directly, that will be the final step to your preparation, because your foundations are rock solid ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 21, 2016, 11:02:45 am
Hi!
I'm struggling a bit with trying to figure out my overall thesis for T.S Eliot... I was wondering if you could have a look at what I have and let me know if you have any suggestions? It's attached. :)
Thanks!
Hey Alyssa!! Welcome to the forums!! ;D Let me know if you need any help finding things ;D
Normally there is a post requirement for marking, but since you only need help with the Thesis I'll definitely have a look!! So a good place to start will be considering your conceptual statements for the paragraphs, I'm putting a more succinct version in bold:
In The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock, Eliot explores the persona’s state of paralysis and its isolating and alienating effect on the human experience. == Effect of Isolation on the Human Experience
Eliot’s poem The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock explores the psychological impact of fear and anxiety in a context of World War and its aftermath. ==== Effect of Fear on the Human Experience.
Eliot explores the dull, sluggish struggle of everyday existence, expressing the sense of futility that arises from the early evolution of Modernism at a time of uncertainty, heightened by the impact of changes to living and working conditions as a result of industrialisation and urbanisation ==== Effect of Futility and Routine on the Human Experience
Based purely on the start of your paragraphs, I reckon you'd be looking at the impact of various challenges on the human mindset; isolation, fear and routine. You could blend the idea of war in as well as you were considering? The idea with a Thesis though is to make it relevant to all responders, it should be universal. Effects of war isn't quite universal, but if you pull it back to challenges in the human experience (effects on the psyche), and then LINK that to war, then you might have what you are looking for ;D
Post by: Spencerr on July 21, 2016, 12:04:46 pm
I'm still unsure of what to write in the topic sentences. can you think of a few off the head examples that could guide me in the right direction?
Thanks for all the help :))
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 21, 2016, 12:18:16 pm
Hey, here is my Hamlet Module B essay. I recently got my feedback and wondering how I could improve it before trials, Thanks :)
There is no conclusion because I made it up on the day
Hey there food mood! I thought I'd just give you some general feedback, if you want something clarified from your previous feedback, let me know!! ;D
Spoiler
Question: A valuable text has something to say and says it well. How valid is your response to this claim, considering the different contexts in which a text can be received? In your answer refer to your prescribed text, Hamlet, the provided critical response and other evaluations by critics.
Over time, personal ideologies transform to fit with the changing morals and belief systems of the time. However, these beliefs can be challenged by previous medieval attitudes, ultimately changing an individual’s perception of the human condition. Cool Thesis! Unique, not seen it before actually, I like it! Written in 1599-1601, Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ was produced at a time of political and moral disorder in Elizabethan England. He has incorporated these conflicting beliefs into the characterisation of Hamlet, making him the most psychologically complex character. The antagonising beliefs, including that of the traditional Catholic Church, the rise of Protestantism, and the secular Renaissance Humanist movement are all evident throughout the revenge tragedy and used to evoke audience responses. This makes ‘Hamlet’ a valuable text, both then in the 17th century and in today’s modern society. Very nice introduction! Simple, but it works well. I would like to see a more direct response to the question, but it is very broad, so perhaps that would be a bit difficult ;D
At first, conflicting beliefs can lead to the question of reality and truth. In ‘Hamlet’, Shakespeare raises the contradiction of belief systems, and how they are represented in the characterisation of Hamlet. Act 1, Scene 5 is where Hamlet and Old Hamlet’s ghost converse, with the Ghost’s imperative command of “revenge his foul and most unnatural murther.” However, the origin of the Ghost is uncertain as he claims he is suffering in “sulph’rous and tormenting flames … are burnt and purg’d away.” This is retell: You are telling me what happened in the text, but that is unnecessary! Always assume your marker has read your text. The grotesque imagery references hell and purgatory, and is confronting for both Hamlet and the Elizabethan audience. By removing the retell, you can blend the last two sentences together. The act of purgatory only occurs in the Catholic faith, where an individual is cleansed of their sins before preceding to heaven. This differs from the Elizabethan Protestant Church, where such doesn’t exist. The suspicions of the apparition’s origin are increased through the simile “Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres”. Despite this, the Ghost still expects Hamlet to revenge Claudius, predetermining his own fate. Hamlet’s confusion is furthered in his second soliloquy. “O all you host of heaven! O earth! What else?” Hamlet’s confounded state is reflected here, as he doesn’t know whether to look to God or his own Humanist logic and reason to understand the Ghost’s revelations. You have a very text focused response here, telling me about the characters, I'm looking for wider impacts: What does the audience learn about truth and reality, what is the effect on our perspective? By the end of the soliloquy, Hamlet decides to use the humanist approach, “the book and volume of my brain, / Unmix’d with baser matter” to evaluate whether to seek revenge on Claudius. As a result, Shakespeare challenges the medieval beliefs of the Elizabethan audience, through the contradiction of the oral ideologies of Humanism and Catholic beliefs. In contrast, society today is shaped by a combination of these values, making the text a timeless and valuable one. Well structured paragraph with some good use of techniques, but you do need more analysis, and you are using too much retell!
Conflicting beliefs results in the inaction of vengeance. Hamlet’s actions are restricted by the conflicting thoughts and moral values of the Elizabethan era. In Act 3, Scene 3, Hamlet finds Claudius kneeling asking “Help, angels!” to free his sins. Because of this, Hamlet refrains from killing Claudius by using low modality language, “Might I do it pat, now he is praying”. Retell. Hamlet is restricted in his actions due to the Catholic doctrine, where an unexpected death results in going to hell instead of heaven. He believes this despite his Humanist education, where the logic and reason overrules the religious morals. Remember that Hamlet is a puppet, Shakespeare is using him to SAY SOMETHING to the audience, what is it he is trying to say? In order to take full revenge, Hamlet must kill Claudius “When he is drunk asleep; or in his rage;/or in th’ incestuous pleasure of his bed” The repetition of incestuous imagery represents Hamlet’s plan to kill Claudius whilst he is in sinful activity to guarantee “his soul may be as damn’d and black / As hell”. Retell. Hamlet’s actions are influenced by the Christian values and result in his inaction and his fatal flaw. Thus, the audience learns ??? about the nature of vengeance?
The traditional beliefs that clash with the morality of an individual eventually take precedence. I like your conceptual topic sentences throughout, they work nicely, but try to lead them into your text a bit more. "This idea is explored by Shakespeare in Hamlet, where..." The last act of ‘Hamlet’ is where Hamlet’s acceptance of fate comes to light, contradicting the Humanist idea of free-will. As critic Kenneth Muir stated in 1963, “Hamlet, although corrupted by the evil with which he is asked to deal, does at last resign himself to becoming the agent of Christian providence.” Good critique. Hamlet’s philosophical thoughts leads him to the medieval values, instead of pursuing the beliefs of his secular education. In Act 5, Scene 2, Hamlet succumbs to the fact that fate will always be the guide in an individual’s decisions. “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, / Rough – hew them how we will.” Technique? Retell. This is the first time that Hamlet mentions that not everything in his world is controlled by logic and reason. Shakespeare introduces to the audience that only the divine power determines one’s fate, something they would be familiar with. This is something that Hamlet would not be able to conclude at the start of the play. “Not a whit, we defy augury. There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow” The metaphor alludes to the Bible, and that God oversees all of life. What is the effect on the audience? Through the paradox of the conflicting Humanist and pagan values, Shakespeare has explored the themes that are universal and applicable to any society, making ‘Hamlet’ a value text.
Over time, personal ideologies transform to fit with the changing morals and belief systems of the time. However, these beliefs can be challenged by previous medieval attitudes, ultimately changing an individual’s perception of the human condition. Cool Thesis! Unique, not seen it before actually, I like it! Written in 1599-1601, Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ was produced at a time of political and moral disorder in Elizabethan England. He has incorporated these conflicting beliefs into the characterisation of Hamlet, making him the most psychologically complex character. The antagonising beliefs, including that of the traditional Catholic Church, the rise of Protestantism, and the secular Renaissance Humanist movement are all evident throughout the revenge tragedy and used to evoke audience responses. This makes ‘Hamlet’ a valuable text, both then in the 17th century and in today’s modern society. Very nice introduction! Simple, but it works well. I would like to see a more direct response to the question, but it is very broad, so perhaps that would be a bit difficult ;D
At first, conflicting beliefs can lead to the question of reality and truth. In ‘Hamlet’, Shakespeare raises the contradiction of belief systems, and how they are represented in the characterisation of Hamlet. Act 1, Scene 5 is where Hamlet and Old Hamlet’s ghost converse, with the Ghost’s imperative command of “revenge his foul and most unnatural murther.” However, the origin of the Ghost is uncertain as he claims he is suffering in “sulph’rous and tormenting flames … are burnt and purg’d away.” This is retell: You are telling me what happened in the text, but that is unnecessary! Always assume your marker has read your text. The grotesque imagery references hell and purgatory, and is confronting for both Hamlet and the Elizabethan audience. By removing the retell, you can blend the last two sentences together. The act of purgatory only occurs in the Catholic faith, where an individual is cleansed of their sins before preceding to heaven. This differs from the Elizabethan Protestant Church, where such doesn’t exist. The suspicions of the apparition’s origin are increased through the simile “Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres”. Despite this, the Ghost still expects Hamlet to revenge Claudius, predetermining his own fate. Hamlet’s confusion is furthered in his second soliloquy. “O all you host of heaven! O earth! What else?” Hamlet’s confounded state is reflected here, as he doesn’t know whether to look to God or his own Humanist logic and reason to understand the Ghost’s revelations. You have a very text focused response here, telling me about the characters, I'm looking for wider impacts: What does the audience learn about truth and reality, what is the effect on our perspective? By the end of the soliloquy, Hamlet decides to use the humanist approach, “the book and volume of my brain, / Unmix’d with baser matter” to evaluate whether to seek revenge on Claudius. As a result, Shakespeare challenges the medieval beliefs of the Elizabethan audience, through the contradiction of the oral ideologies of Humanism and Catholic beliefs. In contrast, society today is shaped by a combination of these values, making the text a timeless and valuable one. Well structured paragraph with some good use of techniques, but you do need more analysis, and you are using too much retell!
Conflicting beliefs results in the inaction of vengeance. Hamlet’s actions are restricted by the conflicting thoughts and moral values of the Elizabethan era. In Act 3, Scene 3, Hamlet finds Claudius kneeling asking “Help, angels!” to free his sins. Because of this, Hamlet refrains from killing Claudius by using low modality language, “Might I do it pat, now he is praying”. Retell. Hamlet is restricted in his actions due to the Catholic doctrine, where an unexpected death results in going to hell instead of heaven. He believes this despite his Humanist education, where the logic and reason overrules the religious morals. Remember that Hamlet is a puppet, Shakespeare is using him to SAY SOMETHING to the audience, what is it he is trying to say? In order to take full revenge, Hamlet must kill Claudius “When he is drunk asleep; or in his rage;/or in th’ incestuous pleasure of his bed” The repetition of incestuous imagery represents Hamlet’s plan to kill Claudius whilst he is in sinful activity to guarantee “his soul may be as damn’d and black / As hell”. Retell. Hamlet’s actions are influenced by the Christian values and result in his inaction and his fatal flaw. Thus, the audience learns ??? about the nature of vengeance?
The traditional beliefs that clash with the morality of an individual eventually take precedence. I like your conceptual topic sentences throughout, they work nicely, but try to lead them into your text a bit more. "This idea is explored by Shakespeare in Hamlet, where..." The last act of ‘Hamlet’ is where Hamlet’s acceptance of fate comes to light, contradicting the Humanist idea of free-will. As critic Kenneth Muir stated in 1963, “Hamlet, although corrupted by the evil with which he is asked to deal, does at last resign himself to becoming the agent of Christian providence.” Good critique. Hamlet’s philosophical thoughts leads him to the medieval values, instead of pursuing the beliefs of his secular education. In Act 5, Scene 2, Hamlet succumbs to the fact that fate will always be the guide in an individual’s decisions. “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, / Rough – hew them how we will.” Technique? Retell. This is the first time that Hamlet mentions that not everything in his world is controlled by logic and reason. Shakespeare introduces to the audience that only the divine power determines one’s fate, something they would be familiar with. This is something that Hamlet would not be able to conclude at the start of the play. “Not a whit, we defy augury. There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow” The metaphor alludes to the Bible, and that God oversees all of life. What is the effect on the audience? Through the paradox of the conflicting Humanist and pagan values, Shakespeare has explored the themes that are universal and applicable to any society, making ‘Hamlet’ a value text.
I love that you are taking a very conceptual approach with this essay. Thesis is conceptual, topic sentences are conceptual, and conclusions are conceptual too. Works very very nicely ;D Writing style is good, though you could be more succinct at time, and I think the overall structure works well (intro is great) ;D
I have one primary piece of feedback: You are retelling. You are telling me what happens in the text, what is going on in Hamlet's head, what the reasons behind Hamlet's actions were, etc. As a marker, I don't need to see that because I already know and understand Hamlet really well (I mean, I haven't read it, but I've marked enough Hamlet essays to know) ;)
You need to analyse. Don't give me ANYTHING about what's going on in the text, no "In Act X Scene X this happens and Hamlet realises this." That is retell. Instead, take your ideas to TEA:
Technique: What technique has Shakespeare used?
Explain: What is Shakespeare trying to SAY? (there is your connection to the question)
Audience: What is the impact on the audience? What do we learn, not about Hamlet, but about your THEMES (vengeance, truth, etc.)
For example;
Shakespeare uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE", clearly communicating BLAH, which shows the audience BLAH.
Rinse, repeat ;)
You use techniques sometimes, and explain most things, and occasionally bring in the audience. I want all of it together for every example, and also, I want your audience impact to be conceptual. I don't want to know what I learn about Hamlet, I want to know what I learn about truth, or vengeance, or whatever theme you are discussing.
That's the big piece of feedback I'll give you! I also think you need more critic inclusions to meet the demands of the question, but the HSC has never specified that, so no big deal there. If you fix the retell and analysis, pretty much everything else in the essay will fall in place around it! Your ideas are great, I just want you to prove them to me properly, through effective analysis ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 21, 2016, 12:21:36 pm
Hey Jamon, thank you so much for taking a look at my essay. Even my teacher hasn't looked at it and I wrote this essay without knowing what to put into topic sentences. Could you help me a bit more and explain what you mean by conceptual topic sentences?
I'm still unsure of what to write in the topic sentences. can you think of a few off the head examples that could guide me in the right direction?
Thanks for all the help :))
You're welcome! ;D
All I mean by that is that your topic sentences don't mention the text, but instead speak thematically. This is a tough one for this module, and may not be right for you, but consider this example as what I mean.
Auden’s propaganda poem Spain attempts to instigate political action by deliberately representing the struggle against Fascism as a just and moral cause.
Instead, becomes:
Composers will represent their own political views as right and just, and use literary techniques as a means to rouse political action within their audience. As universal responders, we can see Auden’s propaganda poem Spain attempts to instigate political action by deliberately representing the struggle against Fascism as a just and moral cause.
By no means perfect (I'd change word choice a bit to prevent overlap), but see how my first sentence doesn't mention Auden? It is showing the marker that you are considering the wider ramifications of your analysis, that your text is JUST AN EXAMPLE of a wider idea ;D
Does that make sense? The idea is the same, just in the expression :D
Post by: Spencerr on July 21, 2016, 12:23:23 pm
You're welcome! ;D
All I mean by that is that your topic sentences don't mention the text, but instead speak thematically. This is a tough one for this module, and may not be right for you, but consider this example as what I mean.
Auden’s propaganda poem Spain attempts to instigate political action by deliberately representing the struggle against Fascism as a just and moral cause.
Instead, becomes:
Composers will represent their own political views as right and just, and use literary techniques as a means to rouse political action within their audience. As universal responders, we can see Auden’s propaganda poem Spain attempts to instigate political action by deliberately representing the struggle against Fascism as a just and moral cause.
By no means perfect (I'd change word choice a bit to prevent overlap), but see how my first sentence doesn't mention Auden? It is showing the marker that you are considering the wider ramifications of your analysis, that your text is JUST AN EXAMPLE of a wider idea ;D
Does that make sense? The idea is the same, just in the expression :D
Thanks so much for the quick response and the example, I see it much clearer now!
lol i'm in english class right now and i'm paying more attention to this than the teacher :P
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 21, 2016, 12:24:29 pm
Thanks so much for the quick response and the example, I see it much clearer now!
lol i'm in english class right now and i'm paying more attention to this than the teacher :P
Pretty sure that's just called "ATAR Notes Syndrome" ;) glad it helped! Your essay is already fantabulous, you'd smash it with or without that change, just an idea 8)
Post by: jazza47 on July 21, 2016, 04:23:21 pm
Judith Wright is one of the most renowned poets in Australian history due to her representation of the Australian environment and portrayal of the relationships between human and nature. She also shares new perspectives on sensitive issues in our Australian culture such as post-colonialism and indigenous rights. Two of her poems, “Brother and Sister’s” and “South of my days” convey these relationships and issues through techniques specific to their textual form and contexts. Christopher Watson’s short film, “Pilbara Pearl” (1999), also shows the relationship between humans and the natural environment, conveyed in the setting of the hot and dry landscape of north-west, Western Australia. Thus, both texts have similarities in what they portray to their audiences, yet use different techniques suitable to their textual form to do so.
“Brother and Sister’s”, makes audiences think about the relationship between humans and their natural landscapes, and hence, in doing so raises the theme of British colonialism, symbolic of Indigenous rights. “The road turned out to be a cul-de-sac, stopped like a lost intention at the gate”. The first two lines of the poem utilise the technique of personification of the landscape as it “stops at the gate”, and this technique reoccurs frequently throughout the poem to build the idea that it is metaphorically ‘alive’. Wright also employs high modality language in this phrase and further throughout the poem with words such as “never”, conveying the landscapes domination. In this poem, the external landscape is portrayed to be in control and thriving, overruling the three siblings, Lucy, Millie and John, in their internal British landscape with “guilt clocks” and “pianolas”. This idea is created in the line “they knew the plans were lost”, which leaves a sense of lack of fulfilment of the inhabitants of this landscape. “The wall groans in the night”, also uses personification and metaphoric language to convey how the man-made landscape is being overruled by the natural landscape. Irony is created in the final line where John states “There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing at all,” when clearly there is much to be afraid of with the imposing landscape. Thus, Wright builds a strong sense of the natural landscape overpowering man in this poem.
Wright’s poem, “South of my days”, also represents the Australian environment and the relationship between the natural landscapes and mankind. The title is an existentialist notion, symbolic of winter and death, as the word “South” in this phrase has a negative connotation. In the first line of the poem: “South of my day’s circle, part of my blood’s country”, Wright uses the technique of inversion to emphasise the love the persona has for their country. Circular motion of life is a theme employed in Wright’s poetry, indicating the inability of moving forward or progressing in life. The landscape is then more vividly described in the phrase “clean, lean, hungry country”, where personification is again utilised to convey the real landscape thriving. “The walls draw in the warmth and the old roof cracks its joints”, is when the man-made cottage begins to be described to audiences. The roof is likened to an old person, as it metaphorically cracks its joints. The real and external landscape is thus shown to be overpowering this cottage as it can barely survive this cold and “hungry” landscape. Repetition is utilised in the phrases “seventy years… seventy summers”, which is used as an implicit way of showing time passing in Dan’s remembered landscapes. The constant struggle of winter is a theme raised by Wright to convey how vulnerable man is in this landscape of New England National Park. The poem ends back in the real landscape where the old man Dan, is told by the narrator through high modality language that “no-one is listening.” This contributes to the sense of isolation, and how empowering the real landscape is, showing again the relationship between human and the natural environment.
Watson’s short feature film, “Pilbara Pearl” also depicts the Australian landscape, and in doing so, conveys the relationship between human and nature. Watson chooses the effective textual form of an audio visual to convey these ideas through specific techniques, as in many cases it can be more intriguing for larger contemporary audiences. The short film begins with introducing the landscape through a panning zoomed-out camera shot, which makes audiences aware of the harsh setting. Warm colours such as intense red and oranges, are utilised to convey the hot and dusty conditions, as the camera focuses on the salience image of a dirty and old looking ute moving quickly through the landscape, with Eddie as the driver, although his face is not shown until later. Several fast, close-up camera shots are used to depict the ute shaking violently as it moves through the unforgiving landscape, conveying the overpowering terrain. Meanwhile, Pearl is portrayed to the audience through a high-angle camera shot to be sweating, and obviously struggling in the environment as well, implicitly conveying that mankind and this real landscape have a hostile relationship. This technique also makes her look vulnerable, emphasising this idea. However, a close-up camera shot whilst Pearl emerges her face in the fish tank, portrays, through her facial expressions, that she is now relaxed and calm in this new landscape.
Pearl then becomes part of an imagined landscape, where she is portrayed to have a positive relationship with it. Through the juxtaposition of these cool colours to the previous warm colours, audiences are able to see how this imagined landscape gives Pearl relief and happiness. The several close-up camera shots on Pearl’s face also depicts how she is enjoying this landscape and thus, how she is connected to it. In contrast, Eddie isn’t accepting of Pearl’s Aboriginal practice as conveyed in dialogue: “where did you go this time…,” and thus, leaves Pilbara. However, as Eddie drives away from Pearl, his fascination with this imagined landscape which clearly gave Pearl fulfilment, forces him to turn around. It is shown in the final scene that both Pearl and Eddie experience this imagined landscape together, with close-up camera shots showing their enjoyment and connectedness to this environment. Thus, it is conveyed in Watson’s short film, “Pilbara Pearl”, that although the real landscape has a hostile relationship with character’s, they can find fulfilment and connectedness with imagined landscapes.
Through the analysis of both Judith Wright’s poetry, with emphasis on the poems “Brother and Sister’s”, and “South of my days”, and Christopher Watson’s short film “Pilbara Pearl”, we are able to see the relationships conveyed between natural landscapes and mankind. In both texts, themes and ideas specific to their textual form are used to convey these relationships, such as post-colonialism and the struggle of mankind with nature. It is evident in all three texts that people have hostile relationships with their real landscapes due to their thriving and imposing nature, however, personas and characters can find peace and enjoyment in their imagined landscapes.
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 21, 2016, 05:37:20 pm
Please help mark my essay before my trial exam tomorrow. It is a generic essay on Module C- Judith Wright and ive just shown how the relationships between people and landscapes is conveyed... cause thats the idea of this module, right? Thanks in advance!
Hi there, your work is in the spoiler below, with my own comments in bold throughout! Then I'll leave some comments outside the spoiler at the end :)
Spoiler
Judith Wright is one of the most renowned poets in Australian history due to her representation of the Australian environment and portrayal of the relationships between human and nature. She also shares new perspectives on sensitive issues in our Australian culture such as post-colonialism and indigenous rights. Two of her poems, “Brother and Sister’s” and “South of my days” convey these relationships and issues through techniques specific to their textual form and contexts. Christopher Watson’s short film, “Pilbara Pearl” (1999), also shows the relationship between humans and the natural environment, conveyed in the setting of the hot and dry landscape of north-west, Western Australia. Thus, both texts have similarities in what they portray to their audiences, yet use different techniques suitable to their textual form to do so. Everything is perfect about this introduction except: there is no outline of the exact ideas you'll be discussing as a kind of "thesis statement." Consider writing a thesis statement that doesn't talk about the texts: just a statement about the relationship between people and landscapes, and then you'll use the texts later on to be a testament for that. At the end of this I'll link to my own Module C essay so you can see if you think this agrees with your own style. Essentially, it works because when you open with a sentence that isn't directly about the texts, you make sure that you aren't privileging one text over another, you show you understand the module and not just the texts, and it gives you some proof to your marker that you are ready to flesh out very particular ideas.
Again, I'd start with a thesis statement and not a textual link.“Brother and Sister’s”, makes audiences think about the relationship between humans and their natural landscapes, and hence, in doing so raises the theme of British colonialism, symbolic of Indigenous rights. “The road turned out to be a cul-de-sac, stopped like a lost intention at the gate”. The first two lines of the poemutilise the technique of personification of personify the landscape as it “stops at the gate”, and this technique reoccurs frequently throughout the poem to build the idea that it is metaphorically ‘alive’. Wright also employs high modality language in this phrase and further throughout the poem with words such as “never”, conveying the landscapes domination. In this poem, the external landscape is portrayed to be in control and thriving, overruling the three siblings, Lucy, Millie and John, in their internal British landscape with “guilt clocks” and “pianolas”. This idea is created in the line “they knew the plans were lost”, which leaves a sense of lack of fulfilment of the inhabitants of this landscape. “The wall groans in the night”, also uses personification and metaphoric language to convey how the man-made landscape is being overruled by the natural landscape. Irony is created in the final line where John states “There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing at all,” when clearly there is much to be afraid of with the imposing landscape. Thus, Wright builds a strong sense of the natural landscape overpowering man in this poem. So your thesis statement for the start of this poem would read something about how landscapes have the capacity to be controlling of individuals.
If you're exploring the same relationship between landscapes and people in this poem as you are in the first paragraph, then include just a brief sentence to connect them. If you are going to talk about new ideas (not the overpowering potential of a landscape) then write a brand new thesis statement. In your paragraphs, you're definitely showing the relationship between people and landscapes. But, the reader has to read until the end of the paragraph to see that, when it would be most effective if you could give them the mindset before they begin the paragraph, with a thesis statement.Wright’s poem, “South of my days”, also represents the Australian environment and the relationship between the natural landscapes and mankind. The title is an existentialist notion, symbolic of winter and death, as the word “South” in this phrase has a negative connotation. In the first line of the poem: “South of my day’s circle, part of my blood’s country”, Wright uses the technique of inversion to emphasise the love the persona has for their country. Circular motion of life is a theme employed in Wright’s poetry, indicating the inability of moving forward or progressing in life. The landscape is then more vividly described in the phrase “clean, lean, hungry country”, where personification is again utilised to convey the real landscape thriving. “The walls draw in the warmth and the old roof cracks its joints”, is when the man-made cottage begins to be described to audiences. The roof is likened to an old person, as it metaphorically cracks its joints. The real and external landscape is thus shown to be overpowering this cottage as it can barely survive this cold and “hungry” landscape. Repetition is utilised in the phrases “seventy years… seventy summers”, which is used as an implicit way of showing time passing in Dan’s remembered landscapes. The constant struggle of winter is a theme raised by Wright to convey how vulnerable man is in this landscape of New England National Park. The poem ends back in the real landscape where the old man Dan, is told by the narrator through high modality language that “no-one is listening.” This contributes to the sense of isolation, and how empowering the real landscape is, showing again the relationship between human and the natural environment.
No qualms with the content of your work!
Watson’s short feature film, “Pilbara Pearl” also depicts the Australian landscape, and in doing so, conveys the relationship between human and nature. Watson chooses the effective textual form of an audio visual to convey these ideas through specific techniques, as in many cases it can be more intriguing for larger contemporary audiences. The short film begins with introducing the landscape through a panning zoomed-out camera shot, which makes audiences aware of the harsh setting. Warm colours such as intense red and oranges, are utilised to convey the hot and dusty conditions, as the camera focuses on the salience image of a dirty and old looking ute moving quickly through the landscape, with Eddie as the driver, although his face is not shown until later. Several fast, close-up camera shots are used to depict the ute shaking violently as it moves through the unforgiving landscape, conveying the overpowering terrain. Meanwhile, Pearl is portrayed to the audience through a high-angle camera shot to be sweating, and obviously struggling in the environment as well, implicitly conveying that mankind and this real landscape have a hostile relationship. This technique also makes her look vulnerable, emphasising this idea. However, a close-up camera shot whilst Pearl emerges her face in the fish tank, portrays, through her facial expressions, that she is now relaxed and calm in this new landscape.
Pearl then becomes part of an imagined landscape, where she is portrayed to have a positive relationship with it. Through the juxtaposition of these cool colours to the previous warm colours, audiences are able to see how this imagined landscape gives Pearl relief and happiness. The several close-up camera shots on Pearl’s face also depicts how she is enjoying this landscape and thus, how she is connected to it. In contrast, Eddie isn’t accepting of Pearl’s Aboriginal practice as conveyed in dialogue: “where did you go this time…,” and thus, leaves Pilbara. However, as Eddie drives away from Pearl, his fascination with this imagined landscape which clearly gave Pearl fulfilment, forces him to turn around. It is shown in the final scene that both Pearl and Eddie experience this imagined landscape together, with close-up camera shots showing their enjoyment and connectedness to this environment. Thus, it is conveyed in Watson’s short film, “Pilbara Pearl”, that although the real landscape has a hostile relationship with character’s, they can find fulfilment and connectedness with imagined landscapes.
Through the analysis of both Judith Wright’s poetry, with emphasis on the poems “Brother and Sister’s”, and “South of my days”, and Christopher Watson’s short film “Pilbara Pearl”, we You've just used the inclusive first person for the first time in this essay (unless I missed it earlier). I'd swap "we" for "one" so you add a tone of sophistication!are able to see the relationships conveyed between natural landscapes and mankind. In both texts, themes and ideas specific to their textual form are used to convey these relationships, such as post-colonialism and the struggle of mankind with nature. It is evident in all three texts that people have hostile relationships with their real landscapes due to their thriving and imposing nature, however, personas and characters can find peace and enjoyment in their imagined landscapes.
Again, I'd start with a thesis statement and not a textual link.“Brother and Sister’s”, makes audiences think about the relationship between humans and their natural landscapes, and hence, in doing so raises the theme of British colonialism, symbolic of Indigenous rights. “The road turned out to be a cul-de-sac, stopped like a lost intention at the gate”. The first two lines of the poem
If you're exploring the same relationship between landscapes and people in this poem as you are in the first paragraph, then include just a brief sentence to connect them. If you are going to talk about new ideas (not the overpowering potential of a landscape) then write a brand new thesis statement. In your paragraphs, you're definitely showing the relationship between people and landscapes. But, the reader has to read until the end of the paragraph to see that, when it would be most effective if you could give them the mindset before they begin the paragraph, with a thesis statement.Wright’s poem, “South of my days”, also represents the Australian environment and the relationship between the natural landscapes and mankind. The title is an existentialist notion, symbolic of winter and death, as the word “South” in this phrase has a negative connotation. In the first line of the poem: “South of my day’s circle, part of my blood’s country”, Wright uses the technique of inversion to emphasise the love the persona has for their country. Circular motion of life is a theme employed in Wright’s poetry, indicating the inability of moving forward or progressing in life. The landscape is then more vividly described in the phrase “clean, lean, hungry country”, where personification is again utilised to convey the real landscape thriving. “The walls draw in the warmth and the old roof cracks its joints”, is when the man-made cottage begins to be described to audiences. The roof is likened to an old person, as it metaphorically cracks its joints. The real and external landscape is thus shown to be overpowering this cottage as it can barely survive this cold and “hungry” landscape. Repetition is utilised in the phrases “seventy years… seventy summers”, which is used as an implicit way of showing time passing in Dan’s remembered landscapes. The constant struggle of winter is a theme raised by Wright to convey how vulnerable man is in this landscape of New England National Park. The poem ends back in the real landscape where the old man Dan, is told by the narrator through high modality language that “no-one is listening.” This contributes to the sense of isolation, and how empowering the real landscape is, showing again the relationship between human and the natural environment.
No qualms with the content of your work!
Watson’s short feature film, “Pilbara Pearl” also depicts the Australian landscape, and in doing so, conveys the relationship between human and nature. Watson chooses the effective textual form of an audio visual to convey these ideas through specific techniques, as in many cases it can be more intriguing for larger contemporary audiences. The short film begins with introducing the landscape through a panning zoomed-out camera shot, which makes audiences aware of the harsh setting. Warm colours such as intense red and oranges, are utilised to convey the hot and dusty conditions, as the camera focuses on the salience image of a dirty and old looking ute moving quickly through the landscape, with Eddie as the driver, although his face is not shown until later. Several fast, close-up camera shots are used to depict the ute shaking violently as it moves through the unforgiving landscape, conveying the overpowering terrain. Meanwhile, Pearl is portrayed to the audience through a high-angle camera shot to be sweating, and obviously struggling in the environment as well, implicitly conveying that mankind and this real landscape have a hostile relationship. This technique also makes her look vulnerable, emphasising this idea. However, a close-up camera shot whilst Pearl emerges her face in the fish tank, portrays, through her facial expressions, that she is now relaxed and calm in this new landscape.
Pearl then becomes part of an imagined landscape, where she is portrayed to have a positive relationship with it. Through the juxtaposition of these cool colours to the previous warm colours, audiences are able to see how this imagined landscape gives Pearl relief and happiness. The several close-up camera shots on Pearl’s face also depicts how she is enjoying this landscape and thus, how she is connected to it. In contrast, Eddie isn’t accepting of Pearl’s Aboriginal practice as conveyed in dialogue: “where did you go this time…,” and thus, leaves Pilbara. However, as Eddie drives away from Pearl, his fascination with this imagined landscape which clearly gave Pearl fulfilment, forces him to turn around. It is shown in the final scene that both Pearl and Eddie experience this imagined landscape together, with close-up camera shots showing their enjoyment and connectedness to this environment. Thus, it is conveyed in Watson’s short film, “Pilbara Pearl”, that although the real landscape has a hostile relationship with character’s, they can find fulfilment and connectedness with imagined landscapes.
Through the analysis of both Judith Wright’s poetry, with emphasis on the poems “Brother and Sister’s”, and “South of my days”, and Christopher Watson’s short film “Pilbara Pearl”, we You've just used the inclusive first person for the first time in this essay (unless I missed it earlier). I'd swap "we" for "one" so you add a tone of sophistication!are able to see the relationships conveyed between natural landscapes and mankind. In both texts, themes and ideas specific to their textual form are used to convey these relationships, such as post-colonialism and the struggle of mankind with nature. It is evident in all three texts that people have hostile relationships with their real landscapes due to their thriving and imposing nature, however, personas and characters can find peace and enjoyment in their imagined landscapes.
Instead of fine tooth combing every word here, I'm going to point out two major things that I think you can adjust by the time your trial comes around tomorrow, and it will improve your work!
The first is the thesis statement idea I've fleshed out above. Refer to my own Module C: People and Landscapes essay here to see what I'm talking about. The content of your paragraphs reflects the module, and you certainly show the relationship throughout. But, your introduction is so text-focused that it detracts the attention from the module's requirements. To write a thesis statement, you need to write about the ideas of the texts, without talking about the texts. In your introduction, talk broadly about the relationship between people and landscapes. Then at the start of each paragraph, talk about a more specific section (in paragraph one, you might discuss the power that a landscape has to be overpowering of an individual). This will show your marker that you are confident with the module and prepared to take it on conceptually and analytically.
The second thing I want to suggest is the way you describe techniques. Try to avoid saying "the quote" if you can, and embed the quote in the sentence instead. Furthermore, instead of saying "the author utilises personification when describing..." you can say "Wright personifies..." This works well for your word count because you fit more in for less words, but it also adds to the sophistication of your work. It isn't always possible, and sometimes it will sound awkward. But, usually, avoiding writing, "The author utilises..." or "the composer uses a..." for a technique, means that your work will come across smoother and more sophisticated.
The content of your paragraphs is great, your analysis is there and you make the connections consistently. Between now and tomorrow, if you are brave enough to take on a thesis statement, and just consciously think about the way you introduce techniques for tomorrow, then I think your essay will come across far more sophisticated and fluent!
Good luck for tomorrow!!! :)
Post by: jazza47 on July 21, 2016, 06:40:50 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 22, 2016, 12:08:09 am
Thanking you very very very much
After your trial, feel free to post back if you want to experiment with thesis statements!
Post by: danielan2016 on July 22, 2016, 10:37:49 am
I was just wondering if you were able to mark my English Advanced Essay and give me some extra tips? Would mean a lot! Its a 'Module C' essay and the texts I'm doing are "Art of Travel" and "Lost in Translation". Thanks heaps!!
Question: Landscapes affect people in significant ways. Discuss
Representations of landscapes are shaped through the lens of form and language. The ability of landscapes to surpass the boundaries of the finite world is represented through the intricate relationship between people and landscapes. Alain De Botton’s multimodal text and pastiche ‘Art of Travel’ explores relationships with landscapes being shaped by others. Likewise, Sofia Coppola’s movie ‘Lost in Translation’ where two characters find themselves feeling alone and lost in the foreign landscape explores the ways in which travel can open our eyes to new experiences. Both texts explore how travelling to different landscapes can affect people significantly.
In Chapter 1 ‘On Anticipation’, De Botton explores the difference between the imagined experience and the reality of the destination. Alain De Botton looks at travel through the eyes of those who have gone before to ask why people travel and go on epistemological search’s for understanding. De Botton implies that our expectations and perceptions of particular landscapes such as the ‘allure of a white sandy beach’ may not match up with the actual experience. Whereas, such places seem to hold the promises of healing our negative physiological states, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”. Painting’s provide mediated cultural perspectives on landscapes such as the use of the intertextual reference within the novel such as the painting by William Hodges “Tahiti Revisited, 1776” emphasising the idea of an ‘idealised landscape’ with the salient feature of the trees foregrounded and the framing of the landscape to denote its power and beauty which inspires De Botton to consider the brochure he receives in the mail advertising ‘Winter Sun’ in Barbados. The scale of the palm trees and the vector lines drawing our eyes to the endless sea and sand connote warmth and relaxation offered in contrast to the dull grey wintery London. When he arrives in Barbados, De Botton states “Nothing was as I had imagined” and supports this when he metaphorically portrays ideas offering an insight into the effect of imagination on landscape, “my mind and body were to prove temperamental accomplices in the mission of appreciating my destination”. The personification alludes to the way in which his mindset cannot be controlled and this affects the way in which he can appreciate his holiday landscape. Thus, De Botton explores the way individuals experience landscapes through senses and imagination and how they can affect them.
‘Lost in Translation’ explores how travel can change character’s perspectives and teach them about new cultures and landscapes that can affect them. Bob Harris, an ageing film actor is an example of a person who is exposed to new experiences, however his mindset does not allow for him to appreciate his new environment. Tokyo, is a city with different languages, neon lights, commercial enterprises and sky scrapes which is unusual to Bob as its unique to him. On the way to the hotel, Bob is in a cab, jetlagged and the close up of the glass taxi window exemplifies how Bob is separated from the environment symbolising he is less open to new experiences and the music contributes a soporific influence. When we travel, we often look like the odd one out, the mis-en-seen shot of Bob in the lift with nine Japanese men, about a foot smaller than him indicates this as he is the odd one out as an American. Charlotte, however is more open yet unable to find true spiritual enlightenment at the Shrine but enhances dissatisfied. The medium shot of her face crying on the phone to her sister saying “I went to a Shrine today and I didn’t feel anything” showing how the imagined doesn’t always align with reality. Hence, we see the connection with familiar landscapes that forms parts of a political and cultural identity, as characters feel they belong to one place, one religion, one culture. Travel is apparent in exposing people to new experiences. Moving away from comfort zones, characters make unlikely connections with other people they normally wouldn’t meet and yet are unable to escape everyday family responsibilities. In travelling, barriers are problematic and often caused by miscommunication due to different languages. To navigate around Tokyo, Charlotte uses a large map displaying the difficulties of navigating around foreign land as its another language. Thus, by facing new landscapes, characters are effected as they aren’t use to the foreign lands.
Furthermore, De Botton’s chapter, “Exotic” reveals the romance of the completely different worlds in foreign and exotic spaces where the most ordinary things may appear to be exciting simply because they exist in a foreign place. De Botton visits Amsterdam and uncovers its exoticness which is supported by the sign at the Schiphol Airport in Dutch writing and the red front house door which signifies the difference between London’s and Amsterdam’s housing and architecture. De Botton states that the sign “delights me, a delight for which the adjective exotic” which is reinforced by the representation of the visual image of the sign, “the exoticism is located in particular areas: in the double A of Aankomst, in the neighbourliness of a u and an I in Utigang”. However, not only is it the sign that uncovers exoticness but so does the red door, the tone used when De Botton says “I stopped by a red front door and felt an intense longing to spend the rest of my life there” is important as he realises that such little ordinary things are exotic simply because they exist in a foreign country implied in the rhetorical question “Why be seduced by something as small as a front door in another country?”. Thus, De Botton explores that it is impossible to forge an identity through a relationship with the landscape and an exploration of what is significant in the foreign landscape.
In conclusion, representations of landscapes are shaped through the lens of form and language. Through examining ‘Art of Travel’ and ‘Lost in Translation’, we as readers and viewers uncover the ability of landscapes in surpassing the boundaries of the finite world represented through the intricate relationship between people and landscapes and the effect landscape has on people.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 22, 2016, 11:23:17 am
Hi there, I got up to my first 5 posts!
I was just wondering if you were able to mark my English Advanced Essay and give me some extra tips? Would mean a lot! Its a 'Module C' essay and the texts I'm doing are "Art of Travel" and "Lost in Translation". Thanks heaps!!
Hey Daniel! Awesome job!! Thanks for that, I hope the forums are being helpful for you ;D your essay is in the spoiler below with comments throughout in bold! ;D
Spoiler
Question: Landscapes affect people in significant ways. Discuss
Representations of landscapes are shaped through the lens of form and language. The ability of landscapes to surpass the boundaries of the finite world is represented through the intricate relationship between people and landscapes. I feel like those two sentences are a little too disconnected. I'd consider starting with the second one, then saying, "Indeed, these representations are shaped by..." Just to link them a little better. Alain De Botton’s multimodal text and pastiche ‘Art of Travel’ explores relationships with landscapes being shaped by others. Likewise, Sofia Coppola’s movie ‘Lost in Translation’ where two characters find themselves feeling alone and lost in the foreign landscape explores the ways in which travel can open our eyes to new experiences. Both texts explore how travelling to different landscapes can affect people significantly. Try to tie the "representation" aspect of the module into your conclusion, maybe even just change explore to "represent" at a minimum?
In Chapter 1 ‘On Anticipation’, De Botton explores the difference between the imagined experience and the reality of the destination. Try to make your first sentences very conceptual, just like your Thesis, they shouldn't mention the text until the second sentence! Alain De Botton looks at travel through the eyes of those who have gone before to ask why people travel and go on epistemological search’s for understanding. De Botton implies that our expectations and perceptions of particular landscapes such as the ‘allure of a white sandy beach’ may not match up with the actual experience.Technique? Whereas, such places seem to hold the promises of healing our negative physiological states, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”. Technique? Painting’s provide mediated cultural perspectives on landscapes such as the use of the intertextual reference within the novel such as the painting by William Hodges “Tahiti Revisited, 1776” emphasising the idea of an ‘idealised landscape’ with the salient feature of the trees foregrounded and the framing of the landscape to denote its power and beauty which inspires De Botton to consider the brochure he receives in the mail advertising ‘Winter Sun’ in Barbados. That sentence is reallyyy long, I'd definitely consider either splitting it or removing parts. That last phrase, for example, is just retelling the text. You can remove it! The scale of the palm trees and the vector lines drawing our eyes to the endless sea and sand connote warmth and relaxation offered in contrast to the dull grey wintery London. When he arrives in Barbados, De Botton states “Nothing was as I had imagined” and supports this when he metaphorically portrays ideas offering an insight into the effect of imagination on landscape, “my mind and body were to prove temperamental accomplices in the mission of appreciating my destination”. Textual retell. The personification alludes to the way in which his mindset cannot be controlled and this affects the way in which he can appreciate his holiday landscape. What does this reveal to the audience? Thus, De Botton explores the way individuals experience landscapes through senses and imagination and how they can affect them. Solid paragraph! I'm looking for an ever so slightly more analytical approach, a little less retell, and a few more techniques.
‘Lost in Translation’ explores how travel can change character’s perspectives and teach them about new cultures and landscapes that can affect them. Bob Harris, an ageing film actor is an example of a person who is exposed to new experiences, however his mindset does not allow for him to appreciate his new environment. Tokyo, is a city with different languages, neon lights, commercial enterprises and sky scrapes which is unusual to Bob as its unique to him. On the way to the hotel, Bob is in a cab, jetlagged and the close up of the glass taxi window exemplifies how Bob is separated from the environment symbolising he is less open to new experiences and the music contributes a soporific influence. Don't tell me what happened in the text and use it to link to your theme/concept, I need techniques! When we travel, we often look like the odd one out, the mis-en-seen shot of Bob in the lift with nine Japanese men, about a foot smaller than him indicates this as he is the odd one out as an American. Charlotte, however is more open yet unable to find true spiritual enlightenment at the Shrine but enhances dissatisfied. The medium shot of her face crying on the phone to her sister saying “I went to a Shrine today and I didn’t feel anything” showing how the imagined doesn’t always align with reality. Hence, we see the connection with familiar landscapes that forms parts of a political and cultural identity, as characters feel they belong to one place, one religion, one culture. Good audience link there, but the preceding analysis was too much on retell! You are telling too much about what happens in the text, when you really only need to tell me techniques! Travel is apparent in exposing people to new experiences. Moving away from comfort zones, characters make unlikely connections with other people they normally wouldn’t meet and yet are unable to escape everyday family responsibilities. In travelling, barriers are problematic and often caused by miscommunication due to different languages. Bit too large of a conceptual block without linking to the text there. To navigate around Tokyo, Charlotte uses a large map displaying the difficulties of navigating around foreign land as its another language. Retell. Thus, by facing new landscapes, characters are effected as they aren’t use to the foreign lands.
Furthermore, De Botton’s chapter, “Exotic” reveals the romance of the completely different worlds in foreign and exotic spaces where the most ordinary things may appear to be exciting simply because they exist in a foreign place. De Botton visits Amsterdam and uncovers its exoticness which is supported by the sign at the Schiphol Airport in Dutch writing and the red front house door which signifies the difference between London’s and Amsterdam’s housing and architecture. De Botton states that the sign “delights me, a delight for which the adjective exotic” which is reinforced by the representation of the visual image of the sign, “the exoticism is located in particular areas: in the double A of Aankomst, in the neighbourliness of a u and an I in Utigang”. You are providing a long cute here, without a technique from the quote itself, is that necessary? However, not only is it the sign that uncovers exoticness but so does the red door, the tone used when De Botton says “I stopped by a red front door and felt an intense longing to spend the rest of my life there” is important as he realises that such little ordinary things are exotic simply because they exist in a foreign country implied in the rhetorical question “Why be seduced by something as small as a front door in another country?”. The first part of that sentence was a bit unnecessary, because only the second part of it had the technique! Thus, De Botton explores that it is impossible to forge an identity through a relationship with the landscape and an exploration of what is significant in the foreign landscape.
In conclusion, representations of landscapes are shaped through the lens of form and language. Through examining ‘Art of Travel’ and ‘Lost in Translation’, we as readers and viewers uncover the ability of landscapes in surpassing the boundaries of the finite world represented through the intricate relationship between people and landscapes and the effect landscape has on people. Nice conclusion, but a tiny bit too short. Give me a summary of the different things you've discussed in a bit more depth!
Representations of landscapes are shaped through the lens of form and language. The ability of landscapes to surpass the boundaries of the finite world is represented through the intricate relationship between people and landscapes. I feel like those two sentences are a little too disconnected. I'd consider starting with the second one, then saying, "Indeed, these representations are shaped by..." Just to link them a little better. Alain De Botton’s multimodal text and pastiche ‘Art of Travel’ explores relationships with landscapes being shaped by others. Likewise, Sofia Coppola’s movie ‘Lost in Translation’ where two characters find themselves feeling alone and lost in the foreign landscape explores the ways in which travel can open our eyes to new experiences. Both texts explore how travelling to different landscapes can affect people significantly. Try to tie the "representation" aspect of the module into your conclusion, maybe even just change explore to "represent" at a minimum?
In Chapter 1 ‘On Anticipation’, De Botton explores the difference between the imagined experience and the reality of the destination. Try to make your first sentences very conceptual, just like your Thesis, they shouldn't mention the text until the second sentence! Alain De Botton looks at travel through the eyes of those who have gone before to ask why people travel and go on epistemological search’s for understanding. De Botton implies that our expectations and perceptions of particular landscapes such as the ‘allure of a white sandy beach’ may not match up with the actual experience.Technique? Whereas, such places seem to hold the promises of healing our negative physiological states, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”. Technique? Painting’s provide mediated cultural perspectives on landscapes such as the use of the intertextual reference within the novel such as the painting by William Hodges “Tahiti Revisited, 1776” emphasising the idea of an ‘idealised landscape’ with the salient feature of the trees foregrounded and the framing of the landscape to denote its power and beauty which inspires De Botton to consider the brochure he receives in the mail advertising ‘Winter Sun’ in Barbados. That sentence is reallyyy long, I'd definitely consider either splitting it or removing parts. That last phrase, for example, is just retelling the text. You can remove it! The scale of the palm trees and the vector lines drawing our eyes to the endless sea and sand connote warmth and relaxation offered in contrast to the dull grey wintery London. When he arrives in Barbados, De Botton states “Nothing was as I had imagined” and supports this when he metaphorically portrays ideas offering an insight into the effect of imagination on landscape, “my mind and body were to prove temperamental accomplices in the mission of appreciating my destination”. Textual retell. The personification alludes to the way in which his mindset cannot be controlled and this affects the way in which he can appreciate his holiday landscape. What does this reveal to the audience? Thus, De Botton explores the way individuals experience landscapes through senses and imagination and how they can affect them. Solid paragraph! I'm looking for an ever so slightly more analytical approach, a little less retell, and a few more techniques.
‘Lost in Translation’ explores how travel can change character’s perspectives and teach them about new cultures and landscapes that can affect them. Bob Harris, an ageing film actor is an example of a person who is exposed to new experiences, however his mindset does not allow for him to appreciate his new environment. Tokyo, is a city with different languages, neon lights, commercial enterprises and sky scrapes which is unusual to Bob as its unique to him. On the way to the hotel, Bob is in a cab, jetlagged and the close up of the glass taxi window exemplifies how Bob is separated from the environment symbolising he is less open to new experiences and the music contributes a soporific influence. Don't tell me what happened in the text and use it to link to your theme/concept, I need techniques! When we travel, we often look like the odd one out, the mis-en-seen shot of Bob in the lift with nine Japanese men, about a foot smaller than him indicates this as he is the odd one out as an American. Charlotte, however is more open yet unable to find true spiritual enlightenment at the Shrine but enhances dissatisfied. The medium shot of her face crying on the phone to her sister saying “I went to a Shrine today and I didn’t feel anything” showing how the imagined doesn’t always align with reality. Hence, we see the connection with familiar landscapes that forms parts of a political and cultural identity, as characters feel they belong to one place, one religion, one culture. Good audience link there, but the preceding analysis was too much on retell! You are telling too much about what happens in the text, when you really only need to tell me techniques! Travel is apparent in exposing people to new experiences. Moving away from comfort zones, characters make unlikely connections with other people they normally wouldn’t meet and yet are unable to escape everyday family responsibilities. In travelling, barriers are problematic and often caused by miscommunication due to different languages. Bit too large of a conceptual block without linking to the text there. To navigate around Tokyo, Charlotte uses a large map displaying the difficulties of navigating around foreign land as its another language. Retell. Thus, by facing new landscapes, characters are effected as they aren’t use to the foreign lands.
Furthermore, De Botton’s chapter, “Exotic” reveals the romance of the completely different worlds in foreign and exotic spaces where the most ordinary things may appear to be exciting simply because they exist in a foreign place. De Botton visits Amsterdam and uncovers its exoticness which is supported by the sign at the Schiphol Airport in Dutch writing and the red front house door which signifies the difference between London’s and Amsterdam’s housing and architecture. De Botton states that the sign “delights me, a delight for which the adjective exotic” which is reinforced by the representation of the visual image of the sign, “the exoticism is located in particular areas: in the double A of Aankomst, in the neighbourliness of a u and an I in Utigang”. You are providing a long cute here, without a technique from the quote itself, is that necessary? However, not only is it the sign that uncovers exoticness but so does the red door, the tone used when De Botton says “I stopped by a red front door and felt an intense longing to spend the rest of my life there” is important as he realises that such little ordinary things are exotic simply because they exist in a foreign country implied in the rhetorical question “Why be seduced by something as small as a front door in another country?”. The first part of that sentence was a bit unnecessary, because only the second part of it had the technique! Thus, De Botton explores that it is impossible to forge an identity through a relationship with the landscape and an exploration of what is significant in the foreign landscape.
In conclusion, representations of landscapes are shaped through the lens of form and language. Through examining ‘Art of Travel’ and ‘Lost in Translation’, we as readers and viewers uncover the ability of landscapes in surpassing the boundaries of the finite world represented through the intricate relationship between people and landscapes and the effect landscape has on people. Nice conclusion, but a tiny bit too short. Give me a summary of the different things you've discussed in a bit more depth!
A really cool essay Daniel! You've got some great conceptual ideas throughout which is fantastic, and you have linked to the module aim of representation really clearly in your introduction and conclusion, which is awesome. My feedback will basically follow the thinking that now, since you've got representation in your intro/conclusion, let's turn this into a representation essay!!
The way to do this is pretty simple, more techniques. At the moment you've got a tendency to be doing a bit of retell; it's not the whole essay but a significant chunk. Sentences like this:
To navigate around Tokyo, Charlotte uses a large map displaying the difficulties of navigating around foreign land as its another language.
Straight retell, but you also do this:
When he arrives in Barbados, De Botton states “Nothing was as I had imagined” and supports this when he metaphorically portrays ideas offering an insight into the effect of imagination on landscape, “my mind and body were to prove temperamental accomplices in the mission of appreciating my destination”.
This is a little better because it ties in a technique, but it is still retell. I know this because you've started it with "When this happens." Remember, your marker (on the day) will have read your prescribed text, and only needs a one sentence explanation of your ORT (which you give very nicely in the intro). I don't want plot details, I want analysis!
I want you to try and remove all aspects of retell from your essay, and instead take a more analytic approach. The best way to do this is to go to TEA! For every textual reference:
Technique: What representational choice has the composer made?
Explain: Why have they made it? What do they want to convey?
Audience: What does the audience learn, not about the text or characters, but about landscapes and their impact on individuals in general
You do the audience thing really well in parts of the first body paragraph, but it dies off a little after. Work on this, remove your retell, and your sentences should look something like this: "COMPOSER uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE", clearly portraying "THIS", which shows the audience "BLAH." Rinse, repeat ;)
This is my main piece of feedback. There are other comments dotted throughout, but THIS is the main thing for you to work on. Fix this, and you'll have significantly improved the quality of your response! ;D
Great work Daniel, there are some great ideas here, just need to work on their expression! ;D
Post by: foodmood16 on July 22, 2016, 09:45:26 pm
Hey there food mood! I thought I'd just give you some general feedback, if you want something clarified from your previous feedback, let me know!! ;DSpoilerQuestion: A valuable text has something to say and says it well. How valid is your response to this claim, considering the different contexts in which a text can be received? In your answer refer to your prescribed text, Hamlet, the provided critical response and other evaluations by critics.
Over time, personal ideologies transform to fit with the changing morals and belief systems of the time. However, these beliefs can be challenged by previous medieval attitudes, ultimately changing an individual’s perception of the human condition. Cool Thesis! Unique, not seen it before actually, I like it! Written in 1599-1601, Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ was produced at a time of political and moral disorder in Elizabethan England. He has incorporated these conflicting beliefs into the characterisation of Hamlet, making him the most psychologically complex character. The antagonising beliefs, including that of the traditional Catholic Church, the rise of Protestantism, and the secular Renaissance Humanist movement are all evident throughout the revenge tragedy and used to evoke audience responses. This makes ‘Hamlet’ a valuable text, both then in the 17th century and in today’s modern society. Very nice introduction! Simple, but it works well. I would like to see a more direct response to the question, but it is very broad, so perhaps that would be a bit difficult ;D
At first, conflicting beliefs can lead to the question of reality and truth. In ‘Hamlet’, Shakespeare raises the contradiction of belief systems, and how they are represented in the characterisation of Hamlet. Act 1, Scene 5 is where Hamlet and Old Hamlet’s ghost converse, with the Ghost’s imperative command of “revenge his foul and most unnatural murther.” However, the origin of the Ghost is uncertain as he claims he is suffering in “sulph’rous and tormenting flames … are burnt and purg’d away.” This is retell: You are telling me what happened in the text, but that is unnecessary! Always assume your marker has read your text. The grotesque imagery references hell and purgatory, and is confronting for both Hamlet and the Elizabethan audience. By removing the retell, you can blend the last two sentences together. The act of purgatory only occurs in the Catholic faith, where an individual is cleansed of their sins before preceding to heaven. This differs from the Elizabethan Protestant Church, where such doesn’t exist. The suspicions of the apparition’s origin are increased through the simile “Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres”. Despite this, the Ghost still expects Hamlet to revenge Claudius, predetermining his own fate. Hamlet’s confusion is furthered in his second soliloquy. “O all you host of heaven! O earth! What else?” Hamlet’s confounded state is reflected here, as he doesn’t know whether to look to God or his own Humanist logic and reason to understand the Ghost’s revelations. You have a very text focused response here, telling me about the characters, I'm looking for wider impacts: What does the audience learn about truth and reality, what is the effect on our perspective? By the end of the soliloquy, Hamlet decides to use the humanist approach, “the book and volume of my brain, / Unmix’d with baser matter” to evaluate whether to seek revenge on Claudius. As a result, Shakespeare challenges the medieval beliefs of the Elizabethan audience, through the contradiction of the oral ideologies of Humanism and Catholic beliefs. In contrast, society today is shaped by a combination of these values, making the text a timeless and valuable one. Well structured paragraph with some good use of techniques, but you do need more analysis, and you are using too much retell!
Conflicting beliefs results in the inaction of vengeance. Hamlet’s actions are restricted by the conflicting thoughts and moral values of the Elizabethan era. In Act 3, Scene 3, Hamlet finds Claudius kneeling asking “Help, angels!” to free his sins. Because of this, Hamlet refrains from killing Claudius by using low modality language, “Might I do it pat, now he is praying”. Retell. Hamlet is restricted in his actions due to the Catholic doctrine, where an unexpected death results in going to hell instead of heaven. He believes this despite his Humanist education, where the logic and reason overrules the religious morals. Remember that Hamlet is a puppet, Shakespeare is using him to SAY SOMETHING to the audience, what is it he is trying to say? In order to take full revenge, Hamlet must kill Claudius “When he is drunk asleep; or in his rage;/or in th’ incestuous pleasure of his bed” The repetition of incestuous imagery represents Hamlet’s plan to kill Claudius whilst he is in sinful activity to guarantee “his soul may be as damn’d and black / As hell”. Retell. Hamlet’s actions are influenced by the Christian values and result in his inaction and his fatal flaw. Thus, the audience learns ??? about the nature of vengeance?
The traditional beliefs that clash with the morality of an individual eventually take precedence. I like your conceptual topic sentences throughout, they work nicely, but try to lead them into your text a bit more. "This idea is explored by Shakespeare in Hamlet, where..." The last act of ‘Hamlet’ is where Hamlet’s acceptance of fate comes to light, contradicting the Humanist idea of free-will. As critic Kenneth Muir stated in 1963, “Hamlet, although corrupted by the evil with which he is asked to deal, does at last resign himself to becoming the agent of Christian providence.” Good critique. Hamlet’s philosophical thoughts leads him to the medieval values, instead of pursuing the beliefs of his secular education. In Act 5, Scene 2, Hamlet succumbs to the fact that fate will always be the guide in an individual’s decisions. “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, / Rough – hew them how we will.” Technique? Retell. This is the first time that Hamlet mentions that not everything in his world is controlled by logic and reason. Shakespeare introduces to the audience that only the divine power determines one’s fate, something they would be familiar with. This is something that Hamlet would not be able to conclude at the start of the play. “Not a whit, we defy augury. There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow” The metaphor alludes to the Bible, and that God oversees all of life. What is the effect on the audience? Through the paradox of the conflicting Humanist and pagan values, Shakespeare has explored the themes that are universal and applicable to any society, making ‘Hamlet’ a value text.
I love that you are taking a very conceptual approach with this essay. Thesis is conceptual, topic sentences are conceptual, and conclusions are conceptual too. Works very very nicely ;D Writing style is good, though you could be more succinct at time, and I think the overall structure works well (intro is great) ;D
I have one primary piece of feedback: You are retelling. You are telling me what happens in the text, what is going on in Hamlet's head, what the reasons behind Hamlet's actions were, etc. As a marker, I don't need to see that because I already know and understand Hamlet really well (I mean, I haven't read it, but I've marked enough Hamlet essays to know) ;)
You need to analyse. Don't give me ANYTHING about what's going on in the text, no "In Act X Scene X this happens and Hamlet realises this." That is retell. Instead, take your ideas to TEA:
Technique: What technique has Shakespeare used?
Explain: What is Shakespeare trying to SAY? (there is your connection to the question)
Audience: What is the impact on the audience? What do we learn, not about Hamlet, but about your THEMES (vengeance, truth, etc.)
For example;
Shakespeare uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE", clearly communicating BLAH, which shows the audience BLAH.
Rinse, repeat ;)
You use techniques sometimes, and explain most things, and occasionally bring in the audience. I want all of it together for every example, and also, I want your audience impact to be conceptual. I don't want to know what I learn about Hamlet, I want to know what I learn about truth, or vengeance, or whatever theme you are discussing.
That's the big piece of feedback I'll give you! I also think you need more critic inclusions to meet the demands of the question, but the HSC has never specified that, so no big deal there. If you fix the retell and analysis, pretty much everything else in the essay will fall in place around it! Your ideas are great, I just want you to prove them to me properly, through effective analysis ;D
Thankyou so much Jamon, sorry for not replying earlier. My feedback pretty much said it was an effective response but needed some more sophistication at times, with I know I struggle with. Yours though has helped heaps and I will work on that :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 22, 2016, 11:41:25 pm
Thankyou so much Jamon, sorry for not replying earlier. My feedback pretty much said it was an effective response but needed some more sophistication at times, with I know I struggle with. Yours though has helped heaps and I will work on that :)
Cool, you are welcome! I can be a bit harsh in my feedback, I know that, but I'd prefer to mark harshly and push you guys to do your absolute best ;D
Sophistication will come through analysis for sure!! Good luck with it, so happy the feedback helped! ;D
Post by: liiz on July 23, 2016, 12:36:04 pm
Spoiler
Landscapes are powerful by means of their ability to transform one’s perspective and facilitate a broader understanding of the world. The experience of real and imagined landscapes can be meaningful and thought-provoking for individuals as they aid in one’s personal growth and sense of identity. Alain de Botton’s, The Art of Travel (2002), is a didactic collection of essays which represents this dynamic relationship between people and landscapes. In a similar way, Samuel Coleridge’s poem This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison (1797) of the romantic period explores the profound influence of landscapes on the protagonist’s perceptions of himself and his appreciation for nature. Therefore, both composers epitomise the experience of landscapes and their significance for people due to the transformation of one’s mindset as well as the acquisition of philosophical insight.
Landscapes can play an integral role in opening one’s mind to new perspectives, as represented within de Botton’s oeuvre. The Art of Travel explores the powerful momentary impact that mundane landscapes can have on the individual psyche in II Travelling Places. He suggests that “architecturally miserable” man-made spaces, such as a service station, can offer a sense of comfort and “reflection” for those feeling lonely and isolated. Initially, De Botton observes how “the atmosphere of solitude...the lighting was unforgiving...the chairs had the strained jollity of a fake smile.” The anaphora of “the” has the effect of listing and creates a sense of sterility and hollowness in its description of objects. The metaphorical language further enables readers to imagine an artificial environment lacking in authenticity and depth of meaning, evoking a feeling of repulsion and distance. De Botton, however, cleverly subverts the audience’s response by personally reflecting on such “transient” landscapes and how they can erase extreme feelings of loneliness. The author states that his experience of the service station was in fact a transformative one; for he felt a “gentle, even pleasant kind of loneliness” due to his feelings being “acknowledged and brutally celebrated by the architecture.” This extended sentence captures the overwhelming impact that the landscape had on de Botton, altering his perception of the desolate landscape to paradoxically, be one of contentment and connection. In doing so, readers are able to reflect and question their own views towards landscapes which are commonly associated with isolation. De Botton evidently represents the complexities between people and landscapes, and the way in which one’s emotional and psychological state can be influenced and shaped by their experiences of different environments. Therefore, The Art of Travel reveals the significance of landscapes on people by means of transforming one’s mindset.
In a similar way, Coleridge’s This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison, represents the importance of one’s mindset in nurturing or diminishing the relationship between landscapes and humankind. The negative perception of the protagonist is a result of being bereft of human companionship as his friends embark on a ramble through nature without him. Initially, the morose tone and description of being a “prison” enables audiences to associate the “lime-tree bower” with darkness and confinement. As these images mirror the narrator’s frustration and isolation, Coleridge’s use of pathetic fallacy effectively engages readers in order to evoke empathy. Additionally, the personal pronouns and inverted syntax of “they are gone and here must I remain” continues to produce an emotional response of isolation within readers as the sense of separation between the narrator and his friends is heightened. However, as the protagonist vividly imagines the landscape his friends “wander” through - “ye purple heath-flowers! Ye distant groves! Thou blue ocean!” - the use of exclamations and shift to a jovial tone reveals how the contemplation of such nature “lifts [his] soul.” A complete transformation of the protagonist’s mindset is indicated to readers through modality as “a delight comes sudden on [his] heart.” Coleridge parallels de Botton’s representation of ephemeral landscapes to be comforting as “the little lime-tree bower” now “sooth’d” the narrator’s discontentment. The diminutive word choice and gentle phonetics causes readers to recognise the calming influence of landscapes on one’s emotional state. The protagonist concludes that “no plot so narrow... may well employ each faculty of sense, and keep the heart awake to love and beauty.” Through personification and evocative language, the transformative power of all landscapes on an individual’s mindset is explicitly communicated. Echoing The Art of Travel, Coleridge denotes how the negativity of one’s loneliness can renew itself to the positive qualities of solitude and further result in a greater appreciation of nature’s beauty and tranquility. As such, Coleridge's poem, like de Botton’s pastiche, represents the significance of landscapes on people due to its ability to transform one’s mindset and value for nature.
Whilst the experience of landscapes can aid in the development of an individual’s perspective, it can also develop one’s philosophical understanding of the world and the needs of the human condition as represented in de Botton’s The Art of Travel. Readers can connect with the author's explanation for how his “winter doldrums” had made him “intensely susceptible to the... large, brightly illustrated travel brochure.” The use of multisensory imagery in the brochure consisting of “white-beaches” and “sweet-smelling fruit” entices the reader into the overwhelming beauty of Barbados which reawakens hope and relief from the author’s “steely-grey” London winter. However, this feeling of elation is disrupted as de Botton refers to J.K Huysman thought’s on the “relationship between the anticipation of travel and its reality.” The cumulative list of negative images associated with travel like having to “endure unfamiliar beds” and “stand in queues” as well as the reality of a “sore throat” on arrival evokes a sense of familiarity within readers and creates a strong juxtaposition to the tranquil “palm trees” found in the travel brochure. This notion allows de Botton to represent how people shape reality in order for it to conform with their desires, and can often be disappointed with the outcome. In doing so, the author illustrates humankind’s innate “search for happiness” which too often becomes “interchangeable” with exotic and distant places. Botton concludes his book with an ambiguous and reflective tone as “the pleasures we derive from journeys is perhaps dependent on our mindset...than the destination.” As such, readers are offered a philosophical insight into the need to gain a broader understanding and appreciation of “what life might be about” by means of travelling to facilitate contentment, rather than focusing on the end goal. In doing so, The Art of Travel evidently represents the significance of landscapes on people as they can develop and question one’s philosophical understanding of the world and humankind.
Coleridge’s This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison similarly represents the way in which landscapes can provide individuals with a greater introspection and insight into humankind’s desire for landscapes. The narrator hopes for his friend, Charles, who has “hunger’d after Nature” to appreciate such a “wide wide heaven.” The biblical connotation, reflective of the romantic genre, emphasises the ineffable and “mighty” landscape. In doing so, Coleridge further reveals to readers the intriguing aspect of the human condition which desires to “bow to necessities greater than ourselves,” as De Botton powerfully highlights. Furthermore, the images of heaven create a strong contrast to the “sad” and “evil” city that has prevented Charles from experiencing nature’s beauty. This, again, directly aligns with de Botton’s metaphorical notion that “nature [is] a necessary antidote to the evils of the city.” The true nature of Charles as being “gentle-hearted” is repeated throughout the poem in order for readers to acknowledge how the emergence of his identity parallels with his increasing participation into the landscape. As such, this represents how landscapes can evoke a sense of personal development and shape one’s identity. Therefore, Coleridge’s text represents the importance of landscapes for people due to their ability to aid in one’s philosophical knowledge surrounding the human condition.
De Botton and Coleridge have constructed texts by means of a plethora of literary conventions in order to represent the complex relationship between people and landscapes. The Art of Travel challenges readers to reconsider the significance of landscapes, and their influence on one’s mindset. In a similar way, This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison illustrates how people’s understanding of the world and the human condition can be enriched through landscapes. Therefore, both texts represent the experience of physical and imagined landscapes and their profound significance for people to be meaningful and powerful.
Landscapes can play an integral role in opening one’s mind to new perspectives, as represented within de Botton’s oeuvre. The Art of Travel explores the powerful momentary impact that mundane landscapes can have on the individual psyche in II Travelling Places. He suggests that “architecturally miserable” man-made spaces, such as a service station, can offer a sense of comfort and “reflection” for those feeling lonely and isolated. Initially, De Botton observes how “the atmosphere of solitude...the lighting was unforgiving...the chairs had the strained jollity of a fake smile.” The anaphora of “the” has the effect of listing and creates a sense of sterility and hollowness in its description of objects. The metaphorical language further enables readers to imagine an artificial environment lacking in authenticity and depth of meaning, evoking a feeling of repulsion and distance. De Botton, however, cleverly subverts the audience’s response by personally reflecting on such “transient” landscapes and how they can erase extreme feelings of loneliness. The author states that his experience of the service station was in fact a transformative one; for he felt a “gentle, even pleasant kind of loneliness” due to his feelings being “acknowledged and brutally celebrated by the architecture.” This extended sentence captures the overwhelming impact that the landscape had on de Botton, altering his perception of the desolate landscape to paradoxically, be one of contentment and connection. In doing so, readers are able to reflect and question their own views towards landscapes which are commonly associated with isolation. De Botton evidently represents the complexities between people and landscapes, and the way in which one’s emotional and psychological state can be influenced and shaped by their experiences of different environments. Therefore, The Art of Travel reveals the significance of landscapes on people by means of transforming one’s mindset.
In a similar way, Coleridge’s This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison, represents the importance of one’s mindset in nurturing or diminishing the relationship between landscapes and humankind. The negative perception of the protagonist is a result of being bereft of human companionship as his friends embark on a ramble through nature without him. Initially, the morose tone and description of being a “prison” enables audiences to associate the “lime-tree bower” with darkness and confinement. As these images mirror the narrator’s frustration and isolation, Coleridge’s use of pathetic fallacy effectively engages readers in order to evoke empathy. Additionally, the personal pronouns and inverted syntax of “they are gone and here must I remain” continues to produce an emotional response of isolation within readers as the sense of separation between the narrator and his friends is heightened. However, as the protagonist vividly imagines the landscape his friends “wander” through - “ye purple heath-flowers! Ye distant groves! Thou blue ocean!” - the use of exclamations and shift to a jovial tone reveals how the contemplation of such nature “lifts [his] soul.” A complete transformation of the protagonist’s mindset is indicated to readers through modality as “a delight comes sudden on [his] heart.” Coleridge parallels de Botton’s representation of ephemeral landscapes to be comforting as “the little lime-tree bower” now “sooth’d” the narrator’s discontentment. The diminutive word choice and gentle phonetics causes readers to recognise the calming influence of landscapes on one’s emotional state. The protagonist concludes that “no plot so narrow... may well employ each faculty of sense, and keep the heart awake to love and beauty.” Through personification and evocative language, the transformative power of all landscapes on an individual’s mindset is explicitly communicated. Echoing The Art of Travel, Coleridge denotes how the negativity of one’s loneliness can renew itself to the positive qualities of solitude and further result in a greater appreciation of nature’s beauty and tranquility. As such, Coleridge's poem, like de Botton’s pastiche, represents the significance of landscapes on people due to its ability to transform one’s mindset and value for nature.
Whilst the experience of landscapes can aid in the development of an individual’s perspective, it can also develop one’s philosophical understanding of the world and the needs of the human condition as represented in de Botton’s The Art of Travel. Readers can connect with the author's explanation for how his “winter doldrums” had made him “intensely susceptible to the... large, brightly illustrated travel brochure.” The use of multisensory imagery in the brochure consisting of “white-beaches” and “sweet-smelling fruit” entices the reader into the overwhelming beauty of Barbados which reawakens hope and relief from the author’s “steely-grey” London winter. However, this feeling of elation is disrupted as de Botton refers to J.K Huysman thought’s on the “relationship between the anticipation of travel and its reality.” The cumulative list of negative images associated with travel like having to “endure unfamiliar beds” and “stand in queues” as well as the reality of a “sore throat” on arrival evokes a sense of familiarity within readers and creates a strong juxtaposition to the tranquil “palm trees” found in the travel brochure. This notion allows de Botton to represent how people shape reality in order for it to conform with their desires, and can often be disappointed with the outcome. In doing so, the author illustrates humankind’s innate “search for happiness” which too often becomes “interchangeable” with exotic and distant places. Botton concludes his book with an ambiguous and reflective tone as “the pleasures we derive from journeys is perhaps dependent on our mindset...than the destination.” As such, readers are offered a philosophical insight into the need to gain a broader understanding and appreciation of “what life might be about” by means of travelling to facilitate contentment, rather than focusing on the end goal. In doing so, The Art of Travel evidently represents the significance of landscapes on people as they can develop and question one’s philosophical understanding of the world and humankind.
Coleridge’s This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison similarly represents the way in which landscapes can provide individuals with a greater introspection and insight into humankind’s desire for landscapes. The narrator hopes for his friend, Charles, who has “hunger’d after Nature” to appreciate such a “wide wide heaven.” The biblical connotation, reflective of the romantic genre, emphasises the ineffable and “mighty” landscape. In doing so, Coleridge further reveals to readers the intriguing aspect of the human condition which desires to “bow to necessities greater than ourselves,” as De Botton powerfully highlights. Furthermore, the images of heaven create a strong contrast to the “sad” and “evil” city that has prevented Charles from experiencing nature’s beauty. This, again, directly aligns with de Botton’s metaphorical notion that “nature [is] a necessary antidote to the evils of the city.” The true nature of Charles as being “gentle-hearted” is repeated throughout the poem in order for readers to acknowledge how the emergence of his identity parallels with his increasing participation into the landscape. As such, this represents how landscapes can evoke a sense of personal development and shape one’s identity. Therefore, Coleridge’s text represents the importance of landscapes for people due to their ability to aid in one’s philosophical knowledge surrounding the human condition.
De Botton and Coleridge have constructed texts by means of a plethora of literary conventions in order to represent the complex relationship between people and landscapes. The Art of Travel challenges readers to reconsider the significance of landscapes, and their influence on one’s mindset. In a similar way, This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison illustrates how people’s understanding of the world and the human condition can be enriched through landscapes. Therefore, both texts represent the experience of physical and imagined landscapes and their profound significance for people to be meaningful and powerful.
Post by: sudodds on July 23, 2016, 05:53:20 pm
Thank you so much!
PS. This was originally a speech, so there might be a few speech features that I have forgotten to get rid of, sorry!
Spoiler
Question:
The challenge of living your own life is an idea that connects Pride and Prejudice and Letter to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen.
How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
"In marrying your nephew, I should not consider myself as quitting that sphere. He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter; so far we are equal."
In a society bound by the constraints of class and gender restrictions, what chance did Elizabeth, the daughter of a struggling middle-class family, have in marrying, let alone achieving equality with the aristocratic Mr. Darcy? The challenge of living within a society that suppresses your freedoms is key within Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary non-fiction work Letter’s to Alice. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo in regards to marriage, and how it impacts upon individual freedoms, through shaping and reshaping the key themes of class, gender and the rebellious character. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, particularly Elizabeth Bennet, while Weldon re-contextualises Austen’s critique in order to validate their desire for social change, and implore the reader to strive for the same.
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their critique of the role of class within society, and the challenges it creates within the lives of individuals. Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class – lower, middle or upper - greatly affected their ability to live their own life, creating boundaries in terms of occupation and income. “Lady Catherine … likes the distinction of rank preserved.” This is demonstrated within Pride and Prejudice through the lifestyles of the various classes; the simplicity of the gentry class such as the Bennets’ in comparison with the extravagance of aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough’s.
Marriage was crucial within society, as through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained. However, through marriage these structures could also be subverted, as marriage provided the opportunity for social mobility and the betterment of one’s situation, particularly for women. Status and wealth were overwhelmingly the key concerns of marriage within Regency England.
In Letters to Alice, Weldon re-contextualises Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, giving her contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the text. Through Weldon, it is clear that Austen was critical of her society’s views on marriage. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” and the fact Elizabeth has nothing to offer Mr. Darcy but her “intelligence, vigour and honesty” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, going against the social conventions of her time by suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love and personal connections rather than societal and economic necessity, as it allows for more individual happiness and freedom. Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they deserve, but are not afforded to them in reality. The reality for a woman within Elizabeth’s situation would have been Mr. Collins, however through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognise Austen’s aims, to expose the superficial and flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established class conventions, solidifying Austen as a subversive writer.
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their discussion of the role of women, and how that creates challenges within the lives of individuals. In order to understand the over-the-top attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born.” Austen was writing within a patriarchal society, with her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.” This is demonstrated within Pride and Prejudice through the fragility of the Bennets’ situation.
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to lead independent lives, with them at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. For many families, marriage was increasingly important, as it enabled a family to maintain social security that may have been in jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated by Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married” before Mr. Bennet died, and her anger towards Elizabeth when she rejects Mr. Collins’ proposal, as their union would save their family from destitution.
Through the re-contextualisation of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the “get in the kitchen” attitude was still prevalent, it was facing major opposition. Her society was not perfect, but it would be impossible to deny the significant progress made since Austen’s time, and the changes in the abilities of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the plight of women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilises contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives. When, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation definitely appears justified.
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between the two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of Literature with a capital L as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society.
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them in order to teach their readership of the importance of independence. Within Pride and Prejudice, this takes the form of Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilises as her authorial mouthpiece to challenge her society’s values. Elizabeth does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through her rejection of Mr. Collins, whom she did not love despite their marriage being favourable by society’s standards. “Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.” In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth’s subversiveness and intelligence is praised rather than discouraged, those qualities leading her to find freedom within a marriage that traditionally would not have been possible for someone of her situation. Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead them to greater happiness. Weldon utilises the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s often inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of subversive and rebellious characters, both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values and attitudes independent from societal influence, and thus live their lives according to their own rules.
Through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom. So, to answer my initial question: In a society bound by the constraints of class and gender restrictions, what chance did Elizabeth, the daughter of a struggling middle-class family, have in achieving equality with the aristocratic Mr. Darcy? The truth is that at the time, she didn’t. However, through the subversiveness of Austen and Weldon’s writings, her chances today would be much greater.
1313 WORDS
The challenge of living your own life is an idea that connects Pride and Prejudice and Letter to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen.
How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
"In marrying your nephew, I should not consider myself as quitting that sphere. He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter; so far we are equal."
In a society bound by the constraints of class and gender restrictions, what chance did Elizabeth, the daughter of a struggling middle-class family, have in marrying, let alone achieving equality with the aristocratic Mr. Darcy? The challenge of living within a society that suppresses your freedoms is key within Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary non-fiction work Letter’s to Alice. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo in regards to marriage, and how it impacts upon individual freedoms, through shaping and reshaping the key themes of class, gender and the rebellious character. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, particularly Elizabeth Bennet, while Weldon re-contextualises Austen’s critique in order to validate their desire for social change, and implore the reader to strive for the same.
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their critique of the role of class within society, and the challenges it creates within the lives of individuals. Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class – lower, middle or upper - greatly affected their ability to live their own life, creating boundaries in terms of occupation and income. “Lady Catherine … likes the distinction of rank preserved.” This is demonstrated within Pride and Prejudice through the lifestyles of the various classes; the simplicity of the gentry class such as the Bennets’ in comparison with the extravagance of aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough’s.
Marriage was crucial within society, as through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained. However, through marriage these structures could also be subverted, as marriage provided the opportunity for social mobility and the betterment of one’s situation, particularly for women. Status and wealth were overwhelmingly the key concerns of marriage within Regency England.
In Letters to Alice, Weldon re-contextualises Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, giving her contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the text. Through Weldon, it is clear that Austen was critical of her society’s views on marriage. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” and the fact Elizabeth has nothing to offer Mr. Darcy but her “intelligence, vigour and honesty” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, going against the social conventions of her time by suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love and personal connections rather than societal and economic necessity, as it allows for more individual happiness and freedom. Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they deserve, but are not afforded to them in reality. The reality for a woman within Elizabeth’s situation would have been Mr. Collins, however through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognise Austen’s aims, to expose the superficial and flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established class conventions, solidifying Austen as a subversive writer.
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their discussion of the role of women, and how that creates challenges within the lives of individuals. In order to understand the over-the-top attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born.” Austen was writing within a patriarchal society, with her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.” This is demonstrated within Pride and Prejudice through the fragility of the Bennets’ situation.
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to lead independent lives, with them at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. For many families, marriage was increasingly important, as it enabled a family to maintain social security that may have been in jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated by Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married” before Mr. Bennet died, and her anger towards Elizabeth when she rejects Mr. Collins’ proposal, as their union would save their family from destitution.
Through the re-contextualisation of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the “get in the kitchen” attitude was still prevalent, it was facing major opposition. Her society was not perfect, but it would be impossible to deny the significant progress made since Austen’s time, and the changes in the abilities of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the plight of women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilises contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives. When, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation definitely appears justified.
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between the two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of Literature with a capital L as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society.
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them in order to teach their readership of the importance of independence. Within Pride and Prejudice, this takes the form of Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilises as her authorial mouthpiece to challenge her society’s values. Elizabeth does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through her rejection of Mr. Collins, whom she did not love despite their marriage being favourable by society’s standards. “Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.” In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth’s subversiveness and intelligence is praised rather than discouraged, those qualities leading her to find freedom within a marriage that traditionally would not have been possible for someone of her situation. Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead them to greater happiness. Weldon utilises the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s often inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of subversive and rebellious characters, both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values and attitudes independent from societal influence, and thus live their lives according to their own rules.
Through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom. So, to answer my initial question: In a society bound by the constraints of class and gender restrictions, what chance did Elizabeth, the daughter of a struggling middle-class family, have in achieving equality with the aristocratic Mr. Darcy? The truth is that at the time, she didn’t. However, through the subversiveness of Austen and Weldon’s writings, her chances today would be much greater.
1313 WORDS
Post by: Aliceyyy98 on July 23, 2016, 06:18:24 pm
Could you please have a look at my Module B Hamlet essay, particularly the intro and conclusion, I am not quite sure how to construct them, as it is only the one text, I am not quite sure what else to include other than my thesis :) Thanks heaps, please provide heaps feedback, greatly appreciated :)
Post by: kimmie on July 24, 2016, 03:34:19 am
Examine how texts represent the impact political acts may have on individual lives or society more broadly.
Spoiler
Composers employ various elements of their representational mediums to elucidate their critique on the impact of political corruption on the individual and broader society. Through their differing textual forms, composers highlight the abuse of political power through acts such as coercive conformity and social conditioning in forbidding the state to see the significance of the individual. However, society possesses a higher independent power that can challenge tyrannical authority and its oppressive demands that sacrifices one’s individuality. Author Aldous Huxley, applies the medium of a satirical novel in Brave New World (1932) to convey his condemnation of dictatorial states, which propels responders to understand the value of individuality and how the abuse of political power can limit the human experience. Director James Mc Teague draws upon his quasi-historical film through cinematographic techniques in V for Vendetta (2005) to further represent the threat of covert political motivations in driving unjust acts, and suppressing individual liberties. Through both a satirical novel and quasi-historical film, both composers effectively use their mediums to concurrently represent their differing political viewpoints, which propels responders to understand the complexity of the political environment and the negative and positive effects of its exploitation on individuals and broader society.
Composers employ an intended contrast of styles to emphasize how ones’ individuality is subtly negotiated for totalitarian stability. In Brave New World, Huxley utilizes a satiric perspective to represent authoritative brutality through the idea of soma and social conditioning. Huxley exposes the tyranny of conformism through the sardonic use of exaggeration of the happy tenor within “the warm, the richly coloured, the infinitely friendly soma-holiday.” While highlighting Huxley’s cynical take on the consumerist ideology and drugs, the emblematic anaphora allows responders to question the war against drugs, where authority is still unable to eliminate its presence in modern society. These stratagems are recurrent in the novel representing the abuse of censorship as a political act, which is made evident within “the mind that judges and desires and decides- make up of… our [the state] suggestions!” The understatement of ‘suggestions’ emphasises the austerity of the commandments from the state, and the manipulation of the government in instilling an obedient culture within the social classes. Hence, suppressing the intellectual mind that can powerfully catalyse a revolution against authority. In addition, this systematic totalitarian ideology highlights Huxley’s satiric take on the Marxist ideology, which claimed social equality but rather feeds the power vacuum of oppressive dictators. Thus, Huxley effectively uses satire to represent his competing perspective on the impact of political acts and its motivations on individual liberties and society as a whole.
In addition, to indoctrinate the population with a cult of culture aimed at conformity is a political act that weakens civil opposition and limits individuality. A broadened representation on the abuse of political control is emphasised through the satiric use of reversal within the asyndeton “community, stability and identity.” Deliberately placing significance on the term community, before identity, reinforces that stability is maintained by coercing an individual to government subordination and depriving the citizen of individuality. This is reiterated through the assonance, “everyone belongs to everyone else” which objectifies and dehumanises the individual to be merely the property of another. However, Huxley emphasises the power of the cooperation between the individual and society that can challenge tyrannical authority and its oppressive demands that sacrifices one’s individuality. Lenina gives evidence to this within “when the individual feels, the community reels” highlighting that political acts will never truly impact everyone, as one’s ideas can be contagious upon the rest of the community and can shake the stability of the government. Thus, Huxley employs satire as a mechanism to propose his critique and dystopian perspective that emphasises that politics is a double edged sword. That is, oppressive political acts such as coercive conformity cannot impact an individual when society stands against tyrannical dictatorships and its injustices.
In V for Vendetta, director, James Mc. Teague employs the medium of a quasi-historical film and through cinematographic techniques, represents his perspective on authoritative brutality. The diegetic wails of terror and close-up shots of Evey’s panicked expression as she is held at knife-edge by the secret police assists with Mc. Teague’s depiction of a dictatorial government’s abusive oppression. Chiaroscuro lighting casts Evey into intense light, emphasising her vulnerability, which positions the shocked audience to consider the dreadful impact of such tyrannical control. However, through the protagonist, V, Mc. Teague represents his underlying concept that acts of political oppression will not impact the individual and broader society, if used as a catalyst to challenge political rule. This concept is further captured through V’s costume, his mask illuminated by low-key lighting, and the close up shot of V orating, “People should not be afraid of their government; governments should be afraid of their people.” Thus, emphasising the forceful impact of negative political acts and its motivations in creating V to “become a monster,” has enhanced his courage to challenge political oppression. This relays, unjust political acts are not an obstacle affecting the individual or society, rather they can become the driving force which unites a community to fight for vigilant justice and overthrow dictatorial states to advance for the better.
Teague’s satirical representation of the government’s exploitation of the media for political purposes is intended to manipulate the audience to question the extent to which they themselves are victims of such deception and censorship. In the context of the patriot act resulting from the paradigm shift after 9/11 which gave broad ranging powers to the American government to survey suspected terrorists, the director represents political figures to be of barbarous nature. The mid-shot angles and diegetic sounds of swords clashing, captures the satiric use of reversal as government officers attempt to rape a civilian, which highlights Teague exposing the hypocritical nature of authority in challenging the idea of civil protection and safety. Also, through the mise en scene of propaganda posters and curfew signs along with news broadcasts through the media, the director represents the extent of manipulation political acts impose on society. Showcasing a montage of news broadcasts through fabricated issues, such as “civil war,” “water shortages”, “avian flu” and “airborne pathogens,” represents the abuse of media to instill fear within the populace, hence, coercing them into obedience. As such, Mc. Teague positions viewers to consider the corruption of the media and political leaders within their own contexts through a confronting representation of the media’s dishonesty in this quasi-realistic state.
Government authority and the people cooperate in a symbiotic relationship in shaping the political environment and driving society towards advancement for the better. However, technological and scientific advancements are exploited at the hands of authority to impose decisions that negate one’s individuality and coerce society under government subordination. Huxley effectively uses his satiric medium to ridicule such actions and create awareness on the importance of people power. Mc Teague provides insight into the perspective of a hero, who was deemed a historical assassin to highlight the need to challenge authority that suppresses individual liberties. Through various forms and mediums, audiences gain a deeper appreciation and understanding of the political environment and that resilience is necessary to defy against the individual and social impacts oppressive political acts pose.
Composers employ an intended contrast of styles to emphasize how ones’ individuality is subtly negotiated for totalitarian stability. In Brave New World, Huxley utilizes a satiric perspective to represent authoritative brutality through the idea of soma and social conditioning. Huxley exposes the tyranny of conformism through the sardonic use of exaggeration of the happy tenor within “the warm, the richly coloured, the infinitely friendly soma-holiday.” While highlighting Huxley’s cynical take on the consumerist ideology and drugs, the emblematic anaphora allows responders to question the war against drugs, where authority is still unable to eliminate its presence in modern society. These stratagems are recurrent in the novel representing the abuse of censorship as a political act, which is made evident within “the mind that judges and desires and decides- make up of… our [the state] suggestions!” The understatement of ‘suggestions’ emphasises the austerity of the commandments from the state, and the manipulation of the government in instilling an obedient culture within the social classes. Hence, suppressing the intellectual mind that can powerfully catalyse a revolution against authority. In addition, this systematic totalitarian ideology highlights Huxley’s satiric take on the Marxist ideology, which claimed social equality but rather feeds the power vacuum of oppressive dictators. Thus, Huxley effectively uses satire to represent his competing perspective on the impact of political acts and its motivations on individual liberties and society as a whole.
In addition, to indoctrinate the population with a cult of culture aimed at conformity is a political act that weakens civil opposition and limits individuality. A broadened representation on the abuse of political control is emphasised through the satiric use of reversal within the asyndeton “community, stability and identity.” Deliberately placing significance on the term community, before identity, reinforces that stability is maintained by coercing an individual to government subordination and depriving the citizen of individuality. This is reiterated through the assonance, “everyone belongs to everyone else” which objectifies and dehumanises the individual to be merely the property of another. However, Huxley emphasises the power of the cooperation between the individual and society that can challenge tyrannical authority and its oppressive demands that sacrifices one’s individuality. Lenina gives evidence to this within “when the individual feels, the community reels” highlighting that political acts will never truly impact everyone, as one’s ideas can be contagious upon the rest of the community and can shake the stability of the government. Thus, Huxley employs satire as a mechanism to propose his critique and dystopian perspective that emphasises that politics is a double edged sword. That is, oppressive political acts such as coercive conformity cannot impact an individual when society stands against tyrannical dictatorships and its injustices.
In V for Vendetta, director, James Mc. Teague employs the medium of a quasi-historical film and through cinematographic techniques, represents his perspective on authoritative brutality. The diegetic wails of terror and close-up shots of Evey’s panicked expression as she is held at knife-edge by the secret police assists with Mc. Teague’s depiction of a dictatorial government’s abusive oppression. Chiaroscuro lighting casts Evey into intense light, emphasising her vulnerability, which positions the shocked audience to consider the dreadful impact of such tyrannical control. However, through the protagonist, V, Mc. Teague represents his underlying concept that acts of political oppression will not impact the individual and broader society, if used as a catalyst to challenge political rule. This concept is further captured through V’s costume, his mask illuminated by low-key lighting, and the close up shot of V orating, “People should not be afraid of their government; governments should be afraid of their people.” Thus, emphasising the forceful impact of negative political acts and its motivations in creating V to “become a monster,” has enhanced his courage to challenge political oppression. This relays, unjust political acts are not an obstacle affecting the individual or society, rather they can become the driving force which unites a community to fight for vigilant justice and overthrow dictatorial states to advance for the better.
Teague’s satirical representation of the government’s exploitation of the media for political purposes is intended to manipulate the audience to question the extent to which they themselves are victims of such deception and censorship. In the context of the patriot act resulting from the paradigm shift after 9/11 which gave broad ranging powers to the American government to survey suspected terrorists, the director represents political figures to be of barbarous nature. The mid-shot angles and diegetic sounds of swords clashing, captures the satiric use of reversal as government officers attempt to rape a civilian, which highlights Teague exposing the hypocritical nature of authority in challenging the idea of civil protection and safety. Also, through the mise en scene of propaganda posters and curfew signs along with news broadcasts through the media, the director represents the extent of manipulation political acts impose on society. Showcasing a montage of news broadcasts through fabricated issues, such as “civil war,” “water shortages”, “avian flu” and “airborne pathogens,” represents the abuse of media to instill fear within the populace, hence, coercing them into obedience. As such, Mc. Teague positions viewers to consider the corruption of the media and political leaders within their own contexts through a confronting representation of the media’s dishonesty in this quasi-realistic state.
Government authority and the people cooperate in a symbiotic relationship in shaping the political environment and driving society towards advancement for the better. However, technological and scientific advancements are exploited at the hands of authority to impose decisions that negate one’s individuality and coerce society under government subordination. Huxley effectively uses his satiric medium to ridicule such actions and create awareness on the importance of people power. Mc Teague provides insight into the perspective of a hero, who was deemed a historical assassin to highlight the need to challenge authority that suppresses individual liberties. Through various forms and mediums, audiences gain a deeper appreciation and understanding of the political environment and that resilience is necessary to defy against the individual and social impacts oppressive political acts pose.
Moderator Action: Added spoiler.
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on July 24, 2016, 12:26:11 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2016, 10:29:43 pm
Hi there, this is a module C essay (landscapes - De Botton Art of Travel + related) I've done in preparation for trials and I was just wondering whether someone would please be able to check it out :) My teacher said that my "related text analysis was clunky at times" and that I had to "intensify the discussion of representation" which I found more difficult than I thought to fix - so I've tried my best!! Any other feedback would be awesome (ALSO as always it is waay too long, so please point out any sentences you think are unnecessary). Thanks so much !! :)
Spoiler
Landscapes are powerful by means of their ability to transform one’s perspective and facilitate a broader understanding of the world. The experience of real and imagined landscapes can be meaningful and thought-provoking for individuals as they aid in one’s personal growth and sense of identity. Good Thesis!! Very conceptual, works well, you may want to add something about how composers REPRESENT these landscapes (connect to module). Alain de Botton’s, The Art of Travel (2002), is a didactic collection of essays which represents this dynamic relationship between people and landscapes. In a similar way, Samuel Coleridge’s poem This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison (1797) of the romantic period explores the profound influence of landscapes on the protagonist’s perceptions of himself and his appreciation for nature. Therefore, both composers epitomise the experience of landscapes and their significance for people due to the transformation of one’s mindset as well as the acquisition of philosophical insight. Fantastic introduction!
Landscapes can play an integral role in opening one’s mind to new perspectives, as represented within de Botton’s oeuvre. The Art of Travel explores the powerful momentary impact that mundane landscapes can have on the individual psyche in II Travelling Places. Great! He suggests that “architecturally miserable” man-made spaces, such as a service station, can offer a sense of comfort and “reflection” for those feeling lonely and isolated. Good inclusion of quote. Initially, De Botton observes how “the atmosphere of solitude...the lighting was unforgiving...the chairs had the strained jollity of a fake smile.” This line is retell, you can blend this quote into the next sentence and make it more succinct! The anaphora of “the” has the effect of listing and creates a sense of sterility and hollowness in its description of objects. I think calling that anaphora is a bit of a stretch. The metaphorical language further enables readers to imagine an artificial environment lacking in authenticity and depth of meaning, evoking a feeling of repulsion and distance. Good. De Botton, however, cleverly subverts the audience’s response by personally reflecting on such “transient” landscapes and how they can erase extreme feelings of loneliness. The author states that his experience of the service station was in fact a transformative one; for he felt a “gentle, even pleasant kind of loneliness” due to his feelings being “acknowledged and brutally celebrated by the architecture.” This extended sentence captures the overwhelming impact that the landscape had on de Botton, altering his perception of the desolate landscape to paradoxically, be one of contentment and connection. In doing so, readers are able to reflect and question their own views towards landscapes which are commonly associated with isolation. Excellent audience link! De Botton evidently represents the complexities between people and landscapes, and the way in which one’s emotional and psychological state can be influenced and shaped by their experiences of different environments. Therefore, The Art of Travel reveals the significance of landscapes on people by means of transforming one’s mindset. This last sentence seems a little redundant, the sentence before it is a great conclusion! Excellent paragraph, some small slight sections of retell you could remove, being a bit more succinct would benefit you! ;D
In a similar way, Coleridge’s This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison, represents the importance of one’s mindset in nurturing or diminishing the relationship between landscapes and humankind. Try to make your introduction START with the concept like the previous paragraph, however I do understand this is a flow on, so perhaps not important. The negative perception of the protagonist is a result of being bereft of human companionship as his friends embark on a ramble through nature without him. Retell. Initially, the morose tone and description of being a “prison” enables audiences to associate the “lime-tree bower” with darkness and confinement. As these images mirror the narrator’s frustration and isolation, Coleridge’s use of pathetic fallacy effectively engages readers in order to evoke empathy. Excellent. What does it teach us about landscapes though? Additionally, the personal pronouns and inverted syntax of “they are gone and here must I remain” continues to produce an emotional response of isolation within readers as the sense of separation between the narrator and his friends is heightened. Try to make audience links wider than the text itself, what does it show us about landscapes in general? However, as the protagonist vividly imagines the landscape his friends “wander” through - “ye purple heath-flowers! Ye distant groves! Thou blue ocean!” - the use of exclamations and shift to a jovial tone reveals how the contemplation of such nature “lifts [his] soul.” Great integration of quote into your writing. A complete transformation of the protagonist’s mindset is indicated to readers through modality as “a delight comes sudden on [his] heart.” Coleridge parallels de Botton’s representation of ephemeral landscapes to be comforting as “the little lime-tree bower” now “sooth’d” the narrator’s discontentment. Good inter-textual link. The diminutive word choice and gentle phonetics causes readers to recognise the calming influence of landscapes on one’s emotional state. The protagonist concludes that “no plot so narrow... may well employ each faculty of sense, and keep the heart awake to love and beauty.” Through personification and evocative language, the transformative power of all landscapes on an individual’s mindset is explicitly communicated. Echoing The Art of Travel, Coleridge denotes how the negativity of one’s loneliness can renew itself to the positive qualities of solitude and further result in a greater appreciation of nature’s beauty and tranquility. As such, Coleridge's poem, like de Botton’s pastiche, represents the significance of landscapes on people due to its ability to transform one’s mindset and value for nature. Another excellent paragraph!
Whilst the experience of landscapes can aid in the development of an individual’s perspective, it can also develop one’s philosophical understanding of the world and the needs of the human condition as represented in de Botton’s The Art of Travel. I feel like that sentence ending after "human condition" would be better, then bring in De Botton later! Readers can connect with the author's explanation for how his “winter doldrums” had made him “intensely susceptible to the... large, brightly illustrated travel brochure.” The use of multisensory imagery in the brochure consisting of “white-beaches” and “sweet-smelling fruit” entices the reader into the overwhelming beauty of Barbados which reawakens hope and relief from the author’s “steely-grey” London winter. What does this show about how individual perspectives are developed? However, this feeling of elation is disrupted as de Botton refers to J.K Huysman thought’s on the “relationship between the anticipation of travel and its reality.” The cumulative list of negative images associated with travel like having to “endure unfamiliar beds” and “stand in queues” as well as the reality of a “sore throat” on arrival evokes a sense of familiarity within readers and creates a strong juxtaposition to the tranquil “palm trees” found in the travel brochure. This notion allows de Botton to represent how people shape reality in order for it to conform with their desires, and can often be disappointed with the outcome. This is a great point, you should try and integrate it throughout your analysis! In doing so, the author illustrates humankind’s innate “search for happiness” which too often becomes “interchangeable” with exotic and distant places. Botton concludes his book with an ambiguous and reflective tone as “the pleasures we derive from journeys is perhaps dependent on our mindset...than the destination.” As such, readers are offered a philosophical insight into the need to gain a broader understanding and appreciation of “what life might be about” by means of travelling to facilitate contentment, rather than focusing on the end goal. In doing so, The Art of Travel evidently represents the significance of landscapes on people as they can develop and question one’s philosophical understanding of the world and humankind. Fantastic conclusion.
Coleridge’s This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison similarly represents the way in which landscapes can provide individuals with a greater introspection and insight into humankind’s desire for landscapes. The narrator hopes for his friend, Charles, who has “hunger’d after Nature” to appreciate such a “wide wide heaven.” I'll mention this here as well as below: Your quotes are integrated into a very sophisticated form of retell. See my comments below about how to address this. The biblical connotation, reflective of the romantic genre, emphasises the ineffable and “mighty” landscape. In doing so, Coleridge further reveals to readers the intriguing aspect of the human condition which desires to “bow to necessities greater than ourselves,” as De Botton powerfully highlights. Awesome! Furthermore, the images of heaven create a strong contrast to the “sad” and “evil” city that has prevented Charles from experiencing nature’s beauty. This, again, directly aligns with de Botton’s metaphorical notion that “nature [is] a necessary antidote to the evils of the city.” The true nature of Charles as being “gentle-hearted” is repeated throughout the poem in order for readers to acknowledge how the emergence of his identity parallels with his increasing participation into the landscape. As such, this represents how landscapes can evoke a sense of personal development and shape one’s identity. Therefore, Coleridge’s text represents the importance of landscapes for people due to their ability to aid in one’s philosophical knowledge surrounding the human condition.
De Botton and Coleridge have constructed texts by means of a plethora of literary conventions in order to represent the complex relationship between people and landscapes. I think something more conceptual, like a re-statement of your Thesis, would be better suited to start the conclusion. The Art of Travel challenges readers to reconsider the significance of landscapes, and their influence on one’s mindset. In a similar way, This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison illustrates how people’s understanding of the world and the human condition can be enriched through landscapes. Therefore, both texts represent the experience of physical and imagined landscapes and their profound significance for people to be meaningful and powerful. Excellent!
Landscapes can play an integral role in opening one’s mind to new perspectives, as represented within de Botton’s oeuvre. The Art of Travel explores the powerful momentary impact that mundane landscapes can have on the individual psyche in II Travelling Places. Great! He suggests that “architecturally miserable” man-made spaces, such as a service station, can offer a sense of comfort and “reflection” for those feeling lonely and isolated. Good inclusion of quote. Initially, De Botton observes how “the atmosphere of solitude...the lighting was unforgiving...the chairs had the strained jollity of a fake smile.” This line is retell, you can blend this quote into the next sentence and make it more succinct! The anaphora of “the” has the effect of listing and creates a sense of sterility and hollowness in its description of objects. I think calling that anaphora is a bit of a stretch. The metaphorical language further enables readers to imagine an artificial environment lacking in authenticity and depth of meaning, evoking a feeling of repulsion and distance. Good. De Botton, however, cleverly subverts the audience’s response by personally reflecting on such “transient” landscapes and how they can erase extreme feelings of loneliness. The author states that his experience of the service station was in fact a transformative one; for he felt a “gentle, even pleasant kind of loneliness” due to his feelings being “acknowledged and brutally celebrated by the architecture.” This extended sentence captures the overwhelming impact that the landscape had on de Botton, altering his perception of the desolate landscape to paradoxically, be one of contentment and connection. In doing so, readers are able to reflect and question their own views towards landscapes which are commonly associated with isolation. Excellent audience link! De Botton evidently represents the complexities between people and landscapes, and the way in which one’s emotional and psychological state can be influenced and shaped by their experiences of different environments. Therefore, The Art of Travel reveals the significance of landscapes on people by means of transforming one’s mindset. This last sentence seems a little redundant, the sentence before it is a great conclusion! Excellent paragraph, some small slight sections of retell you could remove, being a bit more succinct would benefit you! ;D
In a similar way, Coleridge’s This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison, represents the importance of one’s mindset in nurturing or diminishing the relationship between landscapes and humankind. Try to make your introduction START with the concept like the previous paragraph, however I do understand this is a flow on, so perhaps not important. The negative perception of the protagonist is a result of being bereft of human companionship as his friends embark on a ramble through nature without him. Retell. Initially, the morose tone and description of being a “prison” enables audiences to associate the “lime-tree bower” with darkness and confinement. As these images mirror the narrator’s frustration and isolation, Coleridge’s use of pathetic fallacy effectively engages readers in order to evoke empathy. Excellent. What does it teach us about landscapes though? Additionally, the personal pronouns and inverted syntax of “they are gone and here must I remain” continues to produce an emotional response of isolation within readers as the sense of separation between the narrator and his friends is heightened. Try to make audience links wider than the text itself, what does it show us about landscapes in general? However, as the protagonist vividly imagines the landscape his friends “wander” through - “ye purple heath-flowers! Ye distant groves! Thou blue ocean!” - the use of exclamations and shift to a jovial tone reveals how the contemplation of such nature “lifts [his] soul.” Great integration of quote into your writing. A complete transformation of the protagonist’s mindset is indicated to readers through modality as “a delight comes sudden on [his] heart.” Coleridge parallels de Botton’s representation of ephemeral landscapes to be comforting as “the little lime-tree bower” now “sooth’d” the narrator’s discontentment. Good inter-textual link. The diminutive word choice and gentle phonetics causes readers to recognise the calming influence of landscapes on one’s emotional state. The protagonist concludes that “no plot so narrow... may well employ each faculty of sense, and keep the heart awake to love and beauty.” Through personification and evocative language, the transformative power of all landscapes on an individual’s mindset is explicitly communicated. Echoing The Art of Travel, Coleridge denotes how the negativity of one’s loneliness can renew itself to the positive qualities of solitude and further result in a greater appreciation of nature’s beauty and tranquility. As such, Coleridge's poem, like de Botton’s pastiche, represents the significance of landscapes on people due to its ability to transform one’s mindset and value for nature. Another excellent paragraph!
Whilst the experience of landscapes can aid in the development of an individual’s perspective, it can also develop one’s philosophical understanding of the world and the needs of the human condition as represented in de Botton’s The Art of Travel. I feel like that sentence ending after "human condition" would be better, then bring in De Botton later! Readers can connect with the author's explanation for how his “winter doldrums” had made him “intensely susceptible to the... large, brightly illustrated travel brochure.” The use of multisensory imagery in the brochure consisting of “white-beaches” and “sweet-smelling fruit” entices the reader into the overwhelming beauty of Barbados which reawakens hope and relief from the author’s “steely-grey” London winter. What does this show about how individual perspectives are developed? However, this feeling of elation is disrupted as de Botton refers to J.K Huysman thought’s on the “relationship between the anticipation of travel and its reality.” The cumulative list of negative images associated with travel like having to “endure unfamiliar beds” and “stand in queues” as well as the reality of a “sore throat” on arrival evokes a sense of familiarity within readers and creates a strong juxtaposition to the tranquil “palm trees” found in the travel brochure. This notion allows de Botton to represent how people shape reality in order for it to conform with their desires, and can often be disappointed with the outcome. This is a great point, you should try and integrate it throughout your analysis! In doing so, the author illustrates humankind’s innate “search for happiness” which too often becomes “interchangeable” with exotic and distant places. Botton concludes his book with an ambiguous and reflective tone as “the pleasures we derive from journeys is perhaps dependent on our mindset...than the destination.” As such, readers are offered a philosophical insight into the need to gain a broader understanding and appreciation of “what life might be about” by means of travelling to facilitate contentment, rather than focusing on the end goal. In doing so, The Art of Travel evidently represents the significance of landscapes on people as they can develop and question one’s philosophical understanding of the world and humankind. Fantastic conclusion.
Coleridge’s This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison similarly represents the way in which landscapes can provide individuals with a greater introspection and insight into humankind’s desire for landscapes. The narrator hopes for his friend, Charles, who has “hunger’d after Nature” to appreciate such a “wide wide heaven.” I'll mention this here as well as below: Your quotes are integrated into a very sophisticated form of retell. See my comments below about how to address this. The biblical connotation, reflective of the romantic genre, emphasises the ineffable and “mighty” landscape. In doing so, Coleridge further reveals to readers the intriguing aspect of the human condition which desires to “bow to necessities greater than ourselves,” as De Botton powerfully highlights. Awesome! Furthermore, the images of heaven create a strong contrast to the “sad” and “evil” city that has prevented Charles from experiencing nature’s beauty. This, again, directly aligns with de Botton’s metaphorical notion that “nature [is] a necessary antidote to the evils of the city.” The true nature of Charles as being “gentle-hearted” is repeated throughout the poem in order for readers to acknowledge how the emergence of his identity parallels with his increasing participation into the landscape. As such, this represents how landscapes can evoke a sense of personal development and shape one’s identity. Therefore, Coleridge’s text represents the importance of landscapes for people due to their ability to aid in one’s philosophical knowledge surrounding the human condition.
De Botton and Coleridge have constructed texts by means of a plethora of literary conventions in order to represent the complex relationship between people and landscapes. I think something more conceptual, like a re-statement of your Thesis, would be better suited to start the conclusion. The Art of Travel challenges readers to reconsider the significance of landscapes, and their influence on one’s mindset. In a similar way, This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison illustrates how people’s understanding of the world and the human condition can be enriched through landscapes. Therefore, both texts represent the experience of physical and imagined landscapes and their profound significance for people to be meaningful and powerful. Excellent!
Another great essay Liiz, this works really really well!! ;D fantastic conceptual drive, excellent structure with well organised analysis, it's awesome! ;D
There are a few smaller comments throughout, but I'd have one big one to help you improve. You've adapted an analysis style that is essentially the following:
- Talk about what happened in the text and introduce the relevant quote(s)
- Introduce and analyse the technique
That bit in red is what concerns me; the way you introduce your quotes is very much based within the text itself. This is a representation module, how techniques create meaning, and markers are looking for an understanding that the text is just a medium for the communication of conceptual ideas. By relying (even slightly) on the plot of the text, you suggest to the marker that you haven't reached that level of sophistication.
The plot is irrelevant, in this module, we want a focus purely on technique and meaning!! I know the plot may come through at times, but try to reduce your reliance on it a little. For example:
Initially, De Botton observes how “the atmosphere of solitude...the lighting was unforgiving...the chairs had the strained jollity of a fake smile." The anaphora of “the” has the effect of listing and creates a sense of sterility and hollowness in its description of objects.
Could be put simply as:
A sense of sterility and hollowness is conveyed in De Botton's use of repetitious listing, “the atmosphere of solitude...the lighting was unforgiving...the chairs had the strained jollity of a fake smile."
A simple and perhaps not the best example, but it shows what I mean! Shifting focus ever so slightly to get out of the text.
Besides this, have a look at a few of my smaller comments, but this is a great essay! Awesome work Liiz ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 12:21:31 am
Hi there! If you have the time, I was wondering if you could have a look over my Module A essay and give me any tips on how I can improve. Last time I had it marked by my teacher (this was for an old assessment task) she gave me 16/20, meaning that this (along with my poetry essay which was also a 16/20 - once I've got enough posts I might upload that one for checking as well if that's okay) is one of my weakest areas, so I really need to give it a "leg up" for trials :)
Thank you so much!
PS. This was originally a speech, so there might be a few speech features that I have forgotten to get rid of, sorry!
Hey there Sudodds! I'd be happy to have a look for you! ;D your essay is attached with comments in bold!
Spoiler
Question: The challenge of living your own life is an idea that connects Pride and Prejudice and Letter to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen. How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
"In marrying your nephew, I should not consider myself as quitting that sphere. He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter; so far we are equal."
In a society bound by the constraints of class and gender restrictions, what chance did Elizabeth, the daughter of a struggling middle-class family, have in marrying, let alone achieving equality with the aristocratic Mr. Darcy? Though great for a speech, you need to go back to a more traditional Thesis here, a basic statement and amplification. The challenge of living within a society that suppresses your freedoms is key within Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary non-fiction work Letter’s to Alice. This is better, you've slipped back into the appropriate style. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo in regards to marriage, and how it impacts upon individual freedoms, through shaping and reshaping the key themes of class, gender and the rebellious character. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, particularly Elizabeth Bennet, while Weldon re-contextualises Austen’s critique in order to validate their desire for social change, and implore the reader to strive for the same. The rest of the intro is great!! I'd like to see a greater emphasis on comparison to suit the Module though ;D
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their critique of the role of class within society, and the challenges it creates within the lives of individuals. Be more specific; do they agree completely with each other or are there differences? Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class – lower, middle or upper - greatly affected their ability to live their own life, creating boundaries in terms of occupation and income. “Lady Catherine … likes the distinction of rank preserved.” Try not to just place quotes into your essay without justification or explanation, link it specifically to one of your ideas! This is demonstrated within Pride and Prejudice through the lifestyles of the various classes; the simplicity of the gentry class such as the Bennets’ in comparison with the extravagance of aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough’s.
Marriage was crucial within society, as through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained. However, through marriage these structures could also be subverted, as marriage provided the opportunity for social mobility and the betterment of one’s situation, particularly for women. Status and wealth were overwhelmingly the key concerns of marriage within Regency England. We are spending a little too long on contextual information and not enough time on analysis! In Letters to Alice, Weldon re-contextualises Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, giving her contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the text. How did Weldon do this? Through Weldon, it is clear that Austen was critical of her society’s views on marriage. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” and the fact Elizabeth has nothing to offer Mr. Darcy but her “intelligence, vigour and honesty” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, going against the social conventions of her time by suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love and personal connections rather than societal and economic necessity, as it allows for more individual happiness and freedom. We now have a quote, but still no techniques! Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they deserve, but are not afforded to them in reality. The reality for a woman within Elizabeth’s situation would have been Mr. Collins, however through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more. Good link to audience. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognise Austen’s aims, to expose the superficial and flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established class conventions, solidifying Austen as a subversive writer. While you do a lot with context here, which is great, you aren't analysing your text!
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their discussion of the role of women, and how that creates challenges within the lives of individuals. In order to understand the over-the-top attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born.” Austen was writing within a patriarchal society, with her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.” This is demonstrated within Pride and Prejudice through the fragility of the Bennets’ situation. Can you give me an example from the text?
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to lead independent lives, with them at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. For many families, marriage was increasingly important, as it enabled a family to maintain social security that may have been in jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated by Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married” before Mr. Bennet died, and her anger towards Elizabeth when she rejects Mr. Collins’ proposal, as their union would save their family from destitution. Can you give me quotes and techniques that support your argument?
Through the re-contextualisation of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the “get in the kitchen” attitude was still prevalent, it was facing major opposition. Good contextual info Her society was not perfect, but it would be impossible to deny the significant progress made since Austen’s time, and the changes in the abilities of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the plight of women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilises contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives. How? When, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation definitely appears justified.
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between the two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of Literature with a capital L as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society.
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them in order to teach their readership of the importance of independence. Within Pride and Prejudice, this takes the form of Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilises as her authorial mouthpiece to challenge her society’s values. Elizabeth does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through her rejection of Mr. Collins, whom she did not love despite their marriage being favourable by society’s standards. Are there any techniques that are used in the text that makes this evident, rather than just a plot element? “Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.” In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth’s subversiveness and intelligence is praised rather than discouraged, those qualities leading her to find freedom within a marriage that traditionally would not have been possible for someone of her situation. Retell (remember your marker has read your text!). Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead them to greater happiness. Good audience link. Weldon utilises the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s often inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of subversive and rebellious characters, both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values and attitudes independent from societal influence, and thus live their lives according to their own rules.
Through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom. So, to answer my initial question: In a society bound by the constraints of class and gender restrictions, what chance did Elizabeth, the daughter of a struggling middle-class family, have in achieving equality with the aristocratic Mr. Darcy? Speech feature: Rhetorical questions don't suit in an essay. The truth is that at the time, she didn’t. However, through the subversiveness of Austen and Weldon’s writings, her chances today would be much greater. Slipping a little too far back into the speech style of expression in the latter half of this conclusion: Keep it formal!
"In marrying your nephew, I should not consider myself as quitting that sphere. He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter; so far we are equal."
In a society bound by the constraints of class and gender restrictions, what chance did Elizabeth, the daughter of a struggling middle-class family, have in marrying, let alone achieving equality with the aristocratic Mr. Darcy? Though great for a speech, you need to go back to a more traditional Thesis here, a basic statement and amplification. The challenge of living within a society that suppresses your freedoms is key within Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary non-fiction work Letter’s to Alice. This is better, you've slipped back into the appropriate style. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo in regards to marriage, and how it impacts upon individual freedoms, through shaping and reshaping the key themes of class, gender and the rebellious character. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, particularly Elizabeth Bennet, while Weldon re-contextualises Austen’s critique in order to validate their desire for social change, and implore the reader to strive for the same. The rest of the intro is great!! I'd like to see a greater emphasis on comparison to suit the Module though ;D
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their critique of the role of class within society, and the challenges it creates within the lives of individuals. Be more specific; do they agree completely with each other or are there differences? Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class – lower, middle or upper - greatly affected their ability to live their own life, creating boundaries in terms of occupation and income. “Lady Catherine … likes the distinction of rank preserved.” Try not to just place quotes into your essay without justification or explanation, link it specifically to one of your ideas! This is demonstrated within Pride and Prejudice through the lifestyles of the various classes; the simplicity of the gentry class such as the Bennets’ in comparison with the extravagance of aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough’s.
Marriage was crucial within society, as through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained. However, through marriage these structures could also be subverted, as marriage provided the opportunity for social mobility and the betterment of one’s situation, particularly for women. Status and wealth were overwhelmingly the key concerns of marriage within Regency England. We are spending a little too long on contextual information and not enough time on analysis! In Letters to Alice, Weldon re-contextualises Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, giving her contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the text. How did Weldon do this? Through Weldon, it is clear that Austen was critical of her society’s views on marriage. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” and the fact Elizabeth has nothing to offer Mr. Darcy but her “intelligence, vigour and honesty” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, going against the social conventions of her time by suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love and personal connections rather than societal and economic necessity, as it allows for more individual happiness and freedom. We now have a quote, but still no techniques! Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they deserve, but are not afforded to them in reality. The reality for a woman within Elizabeth’s situation would have been Mr. Collins, however through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more. Good link to audience. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognise Austen’s aims, to expose the superficial and flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established class conventions, solidifying Austen as a subversive writer. While you do a lot with context here, which is great, you aren't analysing your text!
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their discussion of the role of women, and how that creates challenges within the lives of individuals. In order to understand the over-the-top attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born.” Austen was writing within a patriarchal society, with her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.” This is demonstrated within Pride and Prejudice through the fragility of the Bennets’ situation. Can you give me an example from the text?
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to lead independent lives, with them at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. For many families, marriage was increasingly important, as it enabled a family to maintain social security that may have been in jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated by Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married” before Mr. Bennet died, and her anger towards Elizabeth when she rejects Mr. Collins’ proposal, as their union would save their family from destitution. Can you give me quotes and techniques that support your argument?
Through the re-contextualisation of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the “get in the kitchen” attitude was still prevalent, it was facing major opposition. Good contextual info Her society was not perfect, but it would be impossible to deny the significant progress made since Austen’s time, and the changes in the abilities of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the plight of women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilises contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives. How? When, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation definitely appears justified.
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between the two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of Literature with a capital L as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society.
Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them in order to teach their readership of the importance of independence. Within Pride and Prejudice, this takes the form of Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilises as her authorial mouthpiece to challenge her society’s values. Elizabeth does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through her rejection of Mr. Collins, whom she did not love despite their marriage being favourable by society’s standards. Are there any techniques that are used in the text that makes this evident, rather than just a plot element? “Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.” In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth’s subversiveness and intelligence is praised rather than discouraged, those qualities leading her to find freedom within a marriage that traditionally would not have been possible for someone of her situation. Retell (remember your marker has read your text!). Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead them to greater happiness. Good audience link. Weldon utilises the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s often inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of subversive and rebellious characters, both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values and attitudes independent from societal influence, and thus live their lives according to their own rules.
Through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom. So, to answer my initial question: In a society bound by the constraints of class and gender restrictions, what chance did Elizabeth, the daughter of a struggling middle-class family, have in achieving equality with the aristocratic Mr. Darcy? Speech feature: Rhetorical questions don't suit in an essay. The truth is that at the time, she didn’t. However, through the subversiveness of Austen and Weldon’s writings, her chances today would be much greater. Slipping a little too far back into the speech style of expression in the latter half of this conclusion: Keep it formal!
What I love about this is that you've absolutely smashed me with contextual information. Usually, it's the opposite, so having a heap of it is great and shows that you get the importance of context! Really really good there, and you also have some fantastic concepts on display, awesome! ;D
I have a few concerns with this, which I think stem from the fact that this started as a speech. I'll start with the big one: You aren't analysing your text.
The purpose of this module is to analyse your texts and compare how they differ in their portrayal of ideas across contexts. To analyse a text, you must explore the link between the text and the audience, with that key link being techniques. What techniques have been used by the composer, what do they want to achieve, and what is the impact on the audience? Technique, Explain, Audience, go to TEA!
In your essay, you aren't doing this, and there are very few direct quotes from the text. Instead, you have a heap of contextual information, which is great when mixed in with your analysis. You also have retell, explaining what actually happened in the text. This is unnecessary, because your marker has read it! ;D
Getting the analysis right is absolutely crucial for any Module essay, so this is all I want you to focus on for the moment. Your paragraphs should literally be more complicated versions of this:
"Oi, this is a concept. My two texts talk about it. Austen uses this technique to show this and that teaches us this. Similarly, Weldon wants to show us the same thing, and uses this technique to do it instead. But Austen's use of this technique is reflective of this aspect of her context, and teaches us BLAH. Austen also uses BLAH in the quote BLAH to show us BLAH. Insert more stuff here. Thus, Austen and Weldon have clearly incorporated that concept I mentioned earlier into their texts in different ways based on contexts. Next paragraph. Jesus."
Ahaha, well to be a little less silly about it now:
"Austen's use of TECHNIQUE in "QUOTE" seeks to EXPLAIN WHAT THE PURPOSE IS, and reveals BLAH BLAH to the audience."
Sentences like that are the sort of things that should be in your essay ;D
I've actually just posted an exemplar Module A essay, you may want to take a look at the approach I take and see this style of analysis in action ;D
I hope this feedback (and the smaller comments) prove helpful in the lead up to Trials!! ;D
Post by: sudodds on July 25, 2016, 12:28:36 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 12:30:09 am
Awesome! Thank you so much!! This is great feedback, and will definitely help me to improve my essay. I'll have another crack at it with your comments in mind, and hopefully I can push my marks up by trials :)
No problem!! Hope it helps, let me know if any questions, with hard work you'll meet whatever goal you've set yourself ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 01:07:09 am
Hi!
Could you please have a look at my Module B Hamlet essay, particularly the intro and conclusion, I am not quite sure how to construct them, as it is only the one text, I am not quite sure what else to include other than my thesis :) Thanks heaps, please provide heaps feedback, greatly appreciated :)
Hey! Absolutely I can, I'll be sure to pick at the intro and conclusion with a fine tooth comb ;D your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!
Spoiler
William Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy, Hamlet, has remained one of the most influential and celebrated texts in the literary canon. Your first sentence should normally be a little more conceptual, introduce some big main idea to your audience BEFORE you bring in the text as an example. Its exploration of metaphysical issues and universal themes has allowed it to transcend context and resonate with modern society. What themes specifically? Shakespeare uses the play to “hold, as ‘twere’, the mirror up to nature”, and display a paradigm of the intricacies of the human existence, which holds continuing relevance and significance. Hamlet emphatically delves into the rampant corruption and deception that beset the worldspace of Denmark. Good context link. More importantly however, Shakespeare illuminates and uncovers the conflict within Hamlet as he struggles to discern truth and reality amidst the corruption that permeates the play. Would you say therefore that corruption is your big-overarching idea? If so, it should be much closer to the front (and perhaps form your Thesis). Hamlet raises core philosophical questions which are able to resound with both an Elizabethan and contemporary audience. I'm looking for more specifics in terms of these philosophical questions, and it is THESE specifics that will help you form a stronger Thesis. I'm also looking for a JUDGEMENT, this is the Critical Module, so every essay will require you to say HOW WELL Shakespeare has crafted Hamlet to portray ideas!.
Instability and deterioration in the physical world distorts and corrupts truth. Great conceptual start! The underlying corruption and tension is disclosed from the very beginning when Hamlet states “time is out of joint”. This metaphor of time introduces images of disorder and chaos, which colour the entire play. Good. In Act 1 Scene 2, Shakespeare illustrates deception through dramatic binaries, the surfaces people adopt and the truths they hide. Claudius’s haughty tone in his inaugural speech “mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage” contradicts his apparent intent. Furthermore, this paradoxical phrase illustrates the contrast between Claudius’s public and private personas. What does this show the audience about the distortion of truth? The encompassing inconsistency between appearance and reality is expressed in the notion of “seems”, for example, “Seems, madam! … I know not ‘seems’.” Shakespeare repeatedly refers to this notion of facades, through the use of words such as “pictures”, “appearances”, “seeing”, “seeming” to emphasise the deceitful nature of Elsinore. What does the audience therefore learn about deception? Hamlet’s first soliloquy, “O, that this too too solid flesh would melt” also explores the discrepancies in Elsinore. In the Shakespearean context, life is perceived to be kept constant through the maintenance of the Great Chain of Being or moral order. The use of intense punctuation and fragmented sentences highlights a break in this chain of being within the court of Denmark. The motif of disease and rotting imagery, such as “solid”, “unweeded garden”, “rank and gross in nature”, further emphasises the deception present at Elsinore and Hamlet’s passionate frustration and distress at this circumstance. This corrupted world is sustained throughout the play, enhancing Shakespeare’s commentary on the deception and corruption present in the world. A solid paragraph on the whole! Missing two things for me: Effective links to the audience (what do we learn?), and, again, judgements. How effective are these techniques? Were they more effective in Elizabethan days than to modern responders?
Hamlet’s struggle to attain truth in a mire of delusion and uncertainty reflects an inherent aspect of the human experience. Like your first paragraph, try to start conceptual. Hamlet’s dilemma is at its height in Act 2 Scene 2. Retell, remove this. Hamlet’s conversation with Polonius, “To be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand” uses hyperbole to dramatize the difficult of attaining truth in a corrupt world, Hamlet’s cryptic tone and bitter satire further reflects his pessimism and disillusionment at a world that lacks truth. First half of this sentence was retell. The struggle to decipher the boundaries between truth and deceit is represented in the repetition of the word “honest” as Hamlet constantly questions the honesty of others, evident here and throughout the play. What does this reveal about honesty and the human experience for the audience? Hamlet’s soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” reveals the very essence of Hamlet’s conflicted state of mind. Technique? Hamlet’s questions his delay to take vengeance through a series of rhetorical questions such as “Am I a coward?”, “Who calls me villain?” The self-deprecating language “dull and muddy-mettled rascal” is indicative of Hamlet deriding himself for his hesitation and lack of courage. Try to take your analysis away from "Hamlet does this" and here is a quote to prove it. Be completely separate from the plot of the text, Shakespeare uses THIS TECHNIQUE and this is HOW EFFECTIVELY he does it, and this is what it shows. Rinse, repeat. This image of “muddiness” demonstrates a lack of clarity, which is representative of Hamlet’s confusion. Furthermore, “plucks off my beard” metaphorically emphasises the themes of pretense and disguise, which is reiterated through the motif of “ears”, “hearing” and “spying”. Ears and hearing are a medium to discover truth; however, in the play it is often used as vehicles for murder and for distortion of truth. A prime example is the image of Claudius pouring poison into King Hamlet’s ear, which symbolises the corrosive effect of his dishonesty. Retell. This paradox reiterates the conflict and struggle to identify truth in the “rotten state of Denmark”. The conflict Hamlet experiences throughout the play, which is revealed through his soliloquies, can be attributed to his desire and preoccupation with revealing what is true and honest, yet having to maintain an “antic disposition” and being unable to act honestly himself. He is torn between medieval values and Renaissance Humanist thinking; he is aware of his duty to revenge his deceased father, yet he hesitates and constantly reflects, striving to search for realties and truth. Hamlet’s delay to exact vengeance offers an insight into his conflicted psychological place as he struggles to distinguish the truth from the deceitful and corrupted world around him. This paragraph is also good. Same comments as above, but also, this one is a little too much retell for me. Try to remove your reliance on the plot of the text and focus purely on techniques, you should be mentioning Shakespeare more than Hamlet. Why? Because Shakespeare is just using Hamlet as a PUPPET to portray HIS ideas. The focus should be on him and his choices as the composer, not what happens to Hamlet in the text.
The exposure of deception and façade restores truth to a world of utter corruption. Madness is a prominent feature of a revenge tragedy, it not only demonstrates the extent of corruption but also provide characters with the power to reveal truths. Good reference to form, remember to re-link the concept to Hamlet specifically though! In Act 4 Scene 5, Ophelia is overwhelmed by the corruption in Denmark and resolves to madness. Retell. The flowers Ophelia distributes, symbolises the truth she possesses in her mind. For example, Ophelia gives columbine, representing unfaithfulness, to Gertrude; and daisy, symbolizing deceit, to Claudius. Retell. She recognizes the corruption and deception in her world, and through madness, she is able to liberally express and communicate her truths to the audience. Any techniques accentuate this? It's a great audience link! Hamlet, similarly, also becomes a victim of corruption in his world as he ultimately comes to accept the inevitability of death. In the final scene, Hamlet relaxes his values as a Renaissance man and comes to accept his mortality. “If it be now, ‘tis not to come…if it be not now, yet it will come” illustrates the lack of control man has over his life. Technique? Hamlet’s newfound peace “the readiness is all” reveals that he is no longer inactive and that he has lost his moral values to the oppressing corruption that surround him. The juxtaposition of this fast-paced, highly energetic scene and the previous slow thinking and contemplative scene adds to the sense of absolute chaos. This chaos reveals the appearances, established by the rapid action of death as one character after another “wounds”, “hurts”, “falls” and “dies”. When everyone is dead, and the deceit and appearances are completely revealed and destroyed, the rebirth of truth and order begins with the entrance of Fortinbras, a vital outcome for an Elizabethan revenge tragedy as order and truth is restored. This paragraph lacks a proper conclusion, and further, does not have enough techniques and analysis!
Shakespeare explores the duality between truth and corruption through charactering Hamlet as a conflicted individual. Like the introduction, try to start your conclusion with something conceptual. The struggle to distinguish truth and reality amidst corruption and deception, which characterizes both Hamlet’s and our world today, is enduring and resounds with every single one of us, prompting us to question and possibly reach resolution in our own lives. Your conclusion needs a little more depth to it; re-list your themes, and importantly, ADD A JUDGEMENT at the end!
Instability and deterioration in the physical world distorts and corrupts truth. Great conceptual start! The underlying corruption and tension is disclosed from the very beginning when Hamlet states “time is out of joint”. This metaphor of time introduces images of disorder and chaos, which colour the entire play. Good. In Act 1 Scene 2, Shakespeare illustrates deception through dramatic binaries, the surfaces people adopt and the truths they hide. Claudius’s haughty tone in his inaugural speech “mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage” contradicts his apparent intent. Furthermore, this paradoxical phrase illustrates the contrast between Claudius’s public and private personas. What does this show the audience about the distortion of truth? The encompassing inconsistency between appearance and reality is expressed in the notion of “seems”, for example, “Seems, madam! … I know not ‘seems’.” Shakespeare repeatedly refers to this notion of facades, through the use of words such as “pictures”, “appearances”, “seeing”, “seeming” to emphasise the deceitful nature of Elsinore. What does the audience therefore learn about deception? Hamlet’s first soliloquy, “O, that this too too solid flesh would melt” also explores the discrepancies in Elsinore. In the Shakespearean context, life is perceived to be kept constant through the maintenance of the Great Chain of Being or moral order. The use of intense punctuation and fragmented sentences highlights a break in this chain of being within the court of Denmark. The motif of disease and rotting imagery, such as “solid”, “unweeded garden”, “rank and gross in nature”, further emphasises the deception present at Elsinore and Hamlet’s passionate frustration and distress at this circumstance. This corrupted world is sustained throughout the play, enhancing Shakespeare’s commentary on the deception and corruption present in the world. A solid paragraph on the whole! Missing two things for me: Effective links to the audience (what do we learn?), and, again, judgements. How effective are these techniques? Were they more effective in Elizabethan days than to modern responders?
Hamlet’s struggle to attain truth in a mire of delusion and uncertainty reflects an inherent aspect of the human experience. Like your first paragraph, try to start conceptual. Hamlet’s dilemma is at its height in Act 2 Scene 2. Retell, remove this. Hamlet’s conversation with Polonius, “To be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand” uses hyperbole to dramatize the difficult of attaining truth in a corrupt world, Hamlet’s cryptic tone and bitter satire further reflects his pessimism and disillusionment at a world that lacks truth. First half of this sentence was retell. The struggle to decipher the boundaries between truth and deceit is represented in the repetition of the word “honest” as Hamlet constantly questions the honesty of others, evident here and throughout the play. What does this reveal about honesty and the human experience for the audience? Hamlet’s soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” reveals the very essence of Hamlet’s conflicted state of mind. Technique? Hamlet’s questions his delay to take vengeance through a series of rhetorical questions such as “Am I a coward?”, “Who calls me villain?” The self-deprecating language “dull and muddy-mettled rascal” is indicative of Hamlet deriding himself for his hesitation and lack of courage. Try to take your analysis away from "Hamlet does this" and here is a quote to prove it. Be completely separate from the plot of the text, Shakespeare uses THIS TECHNIQUE and this is HOW EFFECTIVELY he does it, and this is what it shows. Rinse, repeat. This image of “muddiness” demonstrates a lack of clarity, which is representative of Hamlet’s confusion. Furthermore, “plucks off my beard” metaphorically emphasises the themes of pretense and disguise, which is reiterated through the motif of “ears”, “hearing” and “spying”. Ears and hearing are a medium to discover truth; however, in the play it is often used as vehicles for murder and for distortion of truth. A prime example is the image of Claudius pouring poison into King Hamlet’s ear, which symbolises the corrosive effect of his dishonesty. Retell. This paradox reiterates the conflict and struggle to identify truth in the “rotten state of Denmark”. The conflict Hamlet experiences throughout the play, which is revealed through his soliloquies, can be attributed to his desire and preoccupation with revealing what is true and honest, yet having to maintain an “antic disposition” and being unable to act honestly himself. He is torn between medieval values and Renaissance Humanist thinking; he is aware of his duty to revenge his deceased father, yet he hesitates and constantly reflects, striving to search for realties and truth. Hamlet’s delay to exact vengeance offers an insight into his conflicted psychological place as he struggles to distinguish the truth from the deceitful and corrupted world around him. This paragraph is also good. Same comments as above, but also, this one is a little too much retell for me. Try to remove your reliance on the plot of the text and focus purely on techniques, you should be mentioning Shakespeare more than Hamlet. Why? Because Shakespeare is just using Hamlet as a PUPPET to portray HIS ideas. The focus should be on him and his choices as the composer, not what happens to Hamlet in the text.
The exposure of deception and façade restores truth to a world of utter corruption. Madness is a prominent feature of a revenge tragedy, it not only demonstrates the extent of corruption but also provide characters with the power to reveal truths. Good reference to form, remember to re-link the concept to Hamlet specifically though! In Act 4 Scene 5, Ophelia is overwhelmed by the corruption in Denmark and resolves to madness. Retell. The flowers Ophelia distributes, symbolises the truth she possesses in her mind. For example, Ophelia gives columbine, representing unfaithfulness, to Gertrude; and daisy, symbolizing deceit, to Claudius. Retell. She recognizes the corruption and deception in her world, and through madness, she is able to liberally express and communicate her truths to the audience. Any techniques accentuate this? It's a great audience link! Hamlet, similarly, also becomes a victim of corruption in his world as he ultimately comes to accept the inevitability of death. In the final scene, Hamlet relaxes his values as a Renaissance man and comes to accept his mortality. “If it be now, ‘tis not to come…if it be not now, yet it will come” illustrates the lack of control man has over his life. Technique? Hamlet’s newfound peace “the readiness is all” reveals that he is no longer inactive and that he has lost his moral values to the oppressing corruption that surround him. The juxtaposition of this fast-paced, highly energetic scene and the previous slow thinking and contemplative scene adds to the sense of absolute chaos. This chaos reveals the appearances, established by the rapid action of death as one character after another “wounds”, “hurts”, “falls” and “dies”. When everyone is dead, and the deceit and appearances are completely revealed and destroyed, the rebirth of truth and order begins with the entrance of Fortinbras, a vital outcome for an Elizabethan revenge tragedy as order and truth is restored. This paragraph lacks a proper conclusion, and further, does not have enough techniques and analysis!
Shakespeare explores the duality between truth and corruption through charactering Hamlet as a conflicted individual. Like the introduction, try to start your conclusion with something conceptual. The struggle to distinguish truth and reality amidst corruption and deception, which characterizes both Hamlet’s and our world today, is enduring and resounds with every single one of us, prompting us to question and possibly reach resolution in our own lives. Your conclusion needs a little more depth to it; re-list your themes, and importantly, ADD A JUDGEMENT at the end!
This is a really cool essay Aliceyyy98! Some awesome concepts throughout and well organised on the whole, good integration of quotes and techniques in most sections too ;D
There are a few comments I'd make: Less retell, more audience links, and including a judgement, but I'll ramble a bit about your intro and conclusion. Let me know if you want some clarification of these other comments though (and be sure to check out the comments in the essay) ;D
Basically, I would say there are two things you can do to improve both your intro and conclusion.
First up: You are hitting almost every mark in the intro. Texts, themes, concepts, it's all there. The issue for me is the order in which they are presented. Just like your body paragraphs, your introduction should start with a conceptual statement. No text, purely just the main concept that summarises your essay. You focus a lot on the characters in your essay, so it could be:
Composers are able effectively communicate fundamental truths to their audience through effective characterisation. This allows them to communicate confronting truths to the audience, such as those revolving around the nature of truth and deception itself. Such is shown in the texts...
No mention of Hamlet, a general concept with links to the Module ;D your Thesis will likely revolve around the notions of truth and reality, since they appear in your introduction anyway. But they should take centre stage!
Let me refer to the structure I mentioned to you a few days ago:
- Thesis
- Amplification (Extra Detail on Thesis)
- Introduce the Text and Composer
- Introduce themes to be discussed in the essay
- Link the composers use of techniques to the audience (both universal and contextual)
- Make your judgement about the effectiveness of these techniques in portraying the themes
What I've mentioned above would form your Thesis and Amplification (just any extra details you want to add, a good chance to link to the module aims). I've marked in green the bits that were in your Thesis paragraph already, the rest are in red, except your Thesis which is in orange: You had roots of a Thesis, but it didn't shine through ;D
And there lies the second piece of feedback: A judgement. In this module, we are evaluating Hamlet as a text, so our Thesis must have judgement as to its effectiveness! ;D
You have almost everything you need! It's just getting it in the right order ;D oh, and your conclusion will pretty much just morph with your intro, follow the same scaffold but with less detail ;D i hope this helps!! ;D
Post by: Aliceyyy98 on July 25, 2016, 01:25:45 am
Hey! Absolutely I can, I'll be sure to pick at the intro and conclusion with a fine tooth comb ;D your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!SpoilerWilliam Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy, Hamlet, has remained one of the most influential and celebrated texts in the literary canon. Your first sentence should normally be a little more conceptual, introduce some big main idea to your audience BEFORE you bring in the text as an example. Its exploration of metaphysical issues and universal themes has allowed it to transcend context and resonate with modern society. What themes specifically? Shakespeare uses the play to “hold, as ‘twere’, the mirror up to nature”, and display a paradigm of the intricacies of the human existence, which holds continuing relevance and significance. Hamlet emphatically delves into the rampant corruption and deception that beset the worldspace of Denmark. Good context link. More importantly however, Shakespeare illuminates and uncovers the conflict within Hamlet as he struggles to discern truth and reality amidst the corruption that permeates the play. Would you say therefore that corruption is your big-overarching idea? If so, it should be much closer to the front (and perhaps form your Thesis). Hamlet raises core philosophical questions which are able to resound with both an Elizabethan and contemporary audience. I'm looking for more specifics in terms of these philosophical questions, and it is THESE specifics that will help you form a stronger Thesis. I'm also looking for a JUDGEMENT, this is the Critical Module, so every essay will require you to say HOW WELL Shakespeare has crafted Hamlet to portray ideas!.
Instability and deterioration in the physical world distorts and corrupts truth. Great conceptual start! The underlying corruption and tension is disclosed from the very beginning when Hamlet states “time is out of joint”. This metaphor of time introduces images of disorder and chaos, which colour the entire play. Good. In Act 1 Scene 2, Shakespeare illustrates deception through dramatic binaries, the surfaces people adopt and the truths they hide. Claudius’s haughty tone in his inaugural speech “mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage” contradicts his apparent intent. Furthermore, this paradoxical phrase illustrates the contrast between Claudius’s public and private personas. What does this show the audience about the distortion of truth? The encompassing inconsistency between appearance and reality is expressed in the notion of “seems”, for example, “Seems, madam! … I know not ‘seems’.” Shakespeare repeatedly refers to this notion of facades, through the use of words such as “pictures”, “appearances”, “seeing”, “seeming” to emphasise the deceitful nature of Elsinore. What does the audience therefore learn about deception? Hamlet’s first soliloquy, “O, that this too too solid flesh would melt” also explores the discrepancies in Elsinore. In the Shakespearean context, life is perceived to be kept constant through the maintenance of the Great Chain of Being or moral order. The use of intense punctuation and fragmented sentences highlights a break in this chain of being within the court of Denmark. The motif of disease and rotting imagery, such as “solid”, “unweeded garden”, “rank and gross in nature”, further emphasises the deception present at Elsinore and Hamlet’s passionate frustration and distress at this circumstance. This corrupted world is sustained throughout the play, enhancing Shakespeare’s commentary on the deception and corruption present in the world. A solid paragraph on the whole! Missing two things for me: Effective links to the audience (what do we learn?), and, again, judgements. How effective are these techniques? Were they more effective in Elizabethan days than to modern responders?
Hamlet’s struggle to attain truth in a mire of delusion and uncertainty reflects an inherent aspect of the human experience. Like your first paragraph, try to start conceptual. Hamlet’s dilemma is at its height in Act 2 Scene 2. Retell, remove this. Hamlet’s conversation with Polonius, “To be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand” uses hyperbole to dramatize the difficult of attaining truth in a corrupt world, Hamlet’s cryptic tone and bitter satire further reflects his pessimism and disillusionment at a world that lacks truth. First half of this sentence was retell. The struggle to decipher the boundaries between truth and deceit is represented in the repetition of the word “honest” as Hamlet constantly questions the honesty of others, evident here and throughout the play. What does this reveal about honesty and the human experience for the audience? Hamlet’s soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” reveals the very essence of Hamlet’s conflicted state of mind. Technique? Hamlet’s questions his delay to take vengeance through a series of rhetorical questions such as “Am I a coward?”, “Who calls me villain?” The self-deprecating language “dull and muddy-mettled rascal” is indicative of Hamlet deriding himself for his hesitation and lack of courage. Try to take your analysis away from "Hamlet does this" and here is a quote to prove it. Be completely separate from the plot of the text, Shakespeare uses THIS TECHNIQUE and this is HOW EFFECTIVELY he does it, and this is what it shows. Rinse, repeat. This image of “muddiness” demonstrates a lack of clarity, which is representative of Hamlet’s confusion. Furthermore, “plucks off my beard” metaphorically emphasises the themes of pretense and disguise, which is reiterated through the motif of “ears”, “hearing” and “spying”. Ears and hearing are a medium to discover truth; however, in the play it is often used as vehicles for murder and for distortion of truth. A prime example is the image of Claudius pouring poison into King Hamlet’s ear, which symbolises the corrosive effect of his dishonesty. Retell. This paradox reiterates the conflict and struggle to identify truth in the “rotten state of Denmark”. The conflict Hamlet experiences throughout the play, which is revealed through his soliloquies, can be attributed to his desire and preoccupation with revealing what is true and honest, yet having to maintain an “antic disposition” and being unable to act honestly himself. He is torn between medieval values and Renaissance Humanist thinking; he is aware of his duty to revenge his deceased father, yet he hesitates and constantly reflects, striving to search for realties and truth. Hamlet’s delay to exact vengeance offers an insight into his conflicted psychological place as he struggles to distinguish the truth from the deceitful and corrupted world around him. This paragraph is also good. Same comments as above, but also, this one is a little too much retell for me. Try to remove your reliance on the plot of the text and focus purely on techniques, you should be mentioning Shakespeare more than Hamlet. Why? Because Shakespeare is just using Hamlet as a PUPPET to portray HIS ideas. The focus should be on him and his choices as the composer, not what happens to Hamlet in the text.
The exposure of deception and façade restores truth to a world of utter corruption. Madness is a prominent feature of a revenge tragedy, it not only demonstrates the extent of corruption but also provide characters with the power to reveal truths. Good reference to form, remember to re-link the concept to Hamlet specifically though! In Act 4 Scene 5, Ophelia is overwhelmed by the corruption in Denmark and resolves to madness. Retell. The flowers Ophelia distributes, symbolises the truth she possesses in her mind. For example, Ophelia gives columbine, representing unfaithfulness, to Gertrude; and daisy, symbolizing deceit, to Claudius. Retell. She recognizes the corruption and deception in her world, and through madness, she is able to liberally express and communicate her truths to the audience. Any techniques accentuate this? It's a great audience link! Hamlet, similarly, also becomes a victim of corruption in his world as he ultimately comes to accept the inevitability of death. In the final scene, Hamlet relaxes his values as a Renaissance man and comes to accept his mortality. “If it be now, ‘tis not to come…if it be not now, yet it will come” illustrates the lack of control man has over his life. Technique? Hamlet’s newfound peace “the readiness is all” reveals that he is no longer inactive and that he has lost his moral values to the oppressing corruption that surround him. The juxtaposition of this fast-paced, highly energetic scene and the previous slow thinking and contemplative scene adds to the sense of absolute chaos. This chaos reveals the appearances, established by the rapid action of death as one character after another “wounds”, “hurts”, “falls” and “dies”. When everyone is dead, and the deceit and appearances are completely revealed and destroyed, the rebirth of truth and order begins with the entrance of Fortinbras, a vital outcome for an Elizabethan revenge tragedy as order and truth is restored. This paragraph lacks a proper conclusion, and further, does not have enough techniques and analysis!
Shakespeare explores the duality between truth and corruption through charactering Hamlet as a conflicted individual. Like the introduction, try to start your conclusion with something conceptual. The struggle to distinguish truth and reality amidst corruption and deception, which characterizes both Hamlet’s and our world today, is enduring and resounds with every single one of us, prompting us to question and possibly reach resolution in our own lives. Your conclusion needs a little more depth to it; re-list your themes, and importantly, ADD A JUDGEMENT at the end!
This is a really cool essay Aliceyyy98! Some awesome concepts throughout and well organised on the whole, good integration of quotes and techniques in most sections too ;D
There are a few comments I'd make: Less retell, more audience links, and including a judgement, but I'll ramble a bit about your intro and conclusion. Let me know if you want some clarification of these other comments though (and be sure to check out the comments in the essay) ;D
Basically, I would say there are two things you can do to improve both your intro and conclusion.
First up: You are hitting almost every mark in the intro. Texts, themes, concepts, it's all there. The issue for me is the order in which they are presented. Just like your body paragraphs, your introduction should start with a conceptual statement. No text, purely just the main concept that summarises your essay. You focus a lot on the characters in your essay, so it could be:
Composers are able effectively communicate fundamental truths to their audience through effective characterisation. This allows them to communicate confronting truths to the audience, such as those revolving around the nature of truth and deception itself. Such is shown in the texts...
No mention of Hamlet, a general concept with links to the Module ;D your Thesis will likely revolve around the notions of truth and reality, since they appear in your introduction anyway. But they should take centre stage!
Let me refer to the structure I mentioned to you a few days ago:
- Thesis
- Amplification (Extra Detail on Thesis)
- Introduce the Text and Composer
- Introduce themes to be discussed in the essay
- Link the composers use of techniques to the audience (both universal and contextual)
- Make your judgement about the effectiveness of these techniques in portraying the themes
What I've mentioned above would form your Thesis and Amplification (just any extra details you want to add, a good chance to link to the module aims). I've marked in green the bits that were in your Thesis paragraph already, the rest are in red, except your Thesis which is in orange: You had roots of a Thesis, but it didn't shine through ;D
And there lies the second piece of feedback: A judgement. In this module, we are evaluating Hamlet as a text, so our Thesis must have judgement as to its effectiveness! ;D
You have almost everything you need! It's just getting it in the right order ;D oh, and your conclusion will pretty much just morph with your intro, follow the same scaffold but with less detail ;D i hope this helps!! ;D
Thank you so much!! Super clear as always! Just one question, how would incorprate judgments into my essay? Would it be too informal?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 01:30:23 am
Thank you so much!! Super clear as always! Just one question, how would incorprate judgments into my essay? Would it be too informal?
No problem!! Elyse put it best; adverbs/adjectives!
Shakespeare effectively...
The use of figurative language cleverly...
This concept is accentuated through the powerful use of...
Even just incorporation of these words, with reference to Shakespeare's goals as a composer, does the trick ;D
Post by: Aliceyyy98 on July 25, 2016, 11:41:07 am
No problem!! Elyse put it best; adverbs/adjectives!
Shakespeare effectively...
The use of figurative language cleverly...
This concept is accentuated through the powerful use of...
Even just incorporation of these words, with reference to Shakespeare's goals as a composer, does the trick ;D
Hi Jamon,
is this a better intro?
Composers are able to effectively communicate fundamental aspects of the human condition to their audience through complex characterization and universal themes, such as those revolving around the nature of truth and deception. This is explored in Shakespeare’s play, Hamlet. Adopting the conventions of a revenge tragedy, the dramatic form of Hamlet exposes the audience to the rampant dishonesty and deception that beset the worldspace of Denmark, where Shakespeare illuminates and uncovers the conflict within the protagonist as he struggles to discern truth and reality amidst the corruption that permeates the play. Produced at a time of political and moral disorder in Elizabethan England, Shakespeare has cleverly incorporated these conflicting beliefs into the complex characterization of Hamlet to examine powerful metaphysical issues regarding both the individual and the ever-changing world, which are able to resonate strongly with both the Elizabethan and the contemporary audiences today.
Thank you so much! this is really helping me improve my essay :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 12:01:24 pm
Hello I wrote an essay on Module C for brave new world and V for Vendetta. I got 15/20 for this essay which i memorised and the question was the same so i wrote exactly word to word. Please go brutal because I really need higher marks for trials :/
Examine how texts represent the impact political acts may have on individual lives or society more broadly.
Spoiler
Composers employ various elements of their representational mediums to elucidate their critique on the impact of political corruption on the individual and broader society. Through their differing textual forms, composers highlight the abuse of political power through acts such as coercive conformity and social conditioning in forbidding the state to see the significance of the individual. Fantastic Thesis and amplification, good conceptual approach and link to module! However, society possesses a higher independent power that can challenge tyrannical authority and its oppressive demands that sacrifices one’s individuality. Author Aldous Huxley, applies the medium of a satirical novel in Brave New World (1932) to convey his condemnation of dictatorial states, which propels responders to understand the value of individuality and how the abuse of political power can limit the human experience. Director James Mc Teague draws upon his quasi-historical film through cinematographic techniques in V for Vendetta (2005) to further represent the threat of covert political motivations in driving unjust acts, and suppressing individual liberties. Great text introductions, gives me an overview of purpose and form very quickly. Through both a satirical novel and quasi-historical film, both composers effectively use their mediums to concurrently represent their differing political viewpoints, which propels responders to understand the complexity of the political environment and the negative and positive effects of its exploitation on individuals and broader society. Fantastic introduction! I'd only suggest adding a list of what your paragraph topics will be, besides that, fantastic!
Composers employ an intended contrast of styles to emphasize how ones’ individuality is subtly negotiated for totalitarian stability. In Brave New World, Huxley utilizes a satiric perspective to represent authoritative brutality through the idea of soma and social conditioning. Good conceptual intro and amplification, concept first then bring in the text later. Huxley exposes the tyranny of conformism through the sardonic use of exaggeration of the happy tenor within “the warm, the richly coloured, the infinitely friendly soma-holiday.” While highlighting Huxley’s cynical take on the consumerist ideology and drugs, the emblematic anaphora allows responders to question the war against drugs, where authority is still unable to eliminate its presence in modern society. Fantastic analysis. These stratagems are recurrent in the novel representing the abuse of censorship as a political act, which is made evident within “the mind that judges and desires and decides- make up of… our [the state] suggestions!” Technique here? Try to use the quote and technique in the same sentence so I don't wonder where it is (I know it's coming up). The understatement of ‘suggestions’ emphasises the austerity of the commandments from the state, and the manipulation of the government in instilling an obedient culture within the social classes. Hence, suppressing the intellectual mind that can powerfully catalyse a revolution against authority. Bit more of an audience link here? In addition, this systematic totalitarian ideology highlights Huxley’s satiric take on the Marxist ideology, which claimed social equality but rather feeds the power vacuum of oppressive dictators. Thus, Huxley effectively uses satire to represent his competing perspective on the impact of political acts and its motivations on individual liberties and society as a whole. Fantastic paragraph, extremely effective!
In addition, to indoctrinate the population with a cult of culture aimed at conformity is a political act that weakens civil opposition and limits individuality. A broadened representation on the abuse of political control is emphasised through the satiric use of reversal within the asyndeton “community, stability and identity.” Deliberately placing significance on the term community, before identity, reinforces that stability is maintained by coercing an individual to government subordination and depriving the citizen of individuality. This is reiterated through the assonance, “everyone belongs to everyone else” which objectifies and dehumanises the individual to be merely the property of another. Audience link? However, Huxley emphasises the power of the cooperation between the individual and society that can challenge tyrannical authority and its oppressive demands that sacrifices one’s individuality. Lenina gives evidence to this within “when the individual feels, the community reels” highlighting that political acts will never truly impact everyone, as one’s ideas can be contagious upon the rest of the community and can shake the stability of the government. Technique here? Be careful to focus on representation, Lenina is just a puppet of Huxley! Thus, Huxley employs satire as a mechanism to propose his critique and dystopian perspective that emphasises that politics is a double edged sword. That is, oppressive political acts such as coercive conformity cannot impact an individual when society stands against tyrannical dictatorships and its injustices.[bAnother great paragraph![/b]
In V for Vendetta, director, James Mc. Teague employs the medium of a quasi-historical film and through cinematographic techniques, represents his perspective on authoritative brutality. Try to have a conceptual start like your prior paragraphs, also be sure to spell McTeigue's name correctly!! The diegetic wails of terror and close-up shots of Evey’s panicked expression as she is held at knife-edge by the secret police assists with Mc. Teague’s depiction of a dictatorial government’s abusive oppression. Chiaroscuro lighting casts Evey into intense light, emphasising her vulnerability, which positions the shocked audience to consider the dreadful impact of such tyrannical control. Fantastic. However, through the protagonist, V, Mc. Teague represents his underlying concept that acts of political oppression will not impact the individual and broader society, if used as a catalyst to challenge political rule. This concept is further captured through V’s costume, his mask illuminated by low-key lighting, and the close up shot of V orating, “People should not be afraid of their government; governments should be afraid of their people.” You could include a literary term for this quote, it is very powerful. Thus, emphasising the forceful impact of negative political acts and its motivations in creating V to “become a monster,” has enhanced his courage to challenge political oppression. This relays, unjust political acts are not an obstacle affecting the individual or society, rather they can become the driving force which unites a community to fight for vigilant justice and overthrow dictatorial states to advance for the better. A slightly more conclusive finish needed here I feel.
Teague’s satirical representation of the government’s exploitation of the media for political purposes is intended to manipulate the audience to question the extent to which they themselves are victims of such deception and censorship. Again, I'm looking for a more conceptual start. Talk about deception and censorship generally, and only then bring in your text. In the context of the patriot act resulting from the paradigm shift after 9/11 which gave broad ranging powers to the American government to survey suspected terrorists, the director represents political figures to be of barbarous nature. Great contextual link! The mid-shot angles and diegetic sounds of swords clashing, captures the satiric use of reversal as government officers attempt to rape a civilian, which highlights Teague exposing the hypocritical nature of authority in challenging the idea of civil protection and safety. Perfect. Also, through the mise en scene of propaganda posters and curfew signs along with news broadcasts through the media, the director represents the extent of manipulation political acts impose on society. What does this show the audience in general? Showcasing a montage of news broadcasts through fabricated issues, such as “civil war,” “water shortages”, “avian flu” and “airborne pathogens,” represents the abuse of media to instill fear within the populace, hence, coercing them into obedience. Slightly retell here, be careful not to rely on diegetic film aspects too much. As such, Mc. Teague positions viewers to consider the corruption of the media and political leaders within their own contexts through a confronting representation of the media’s dishonesty in this quasi-realistic state.
Government authority and the people cooperate in a symbiotic relationship in shaping the political environment and driving society towards advancement for the better. However, technological and scientific advancements are exploited at the hands of authority to impose decisions that negate one’s individuality and coerce society under government subordination. Huxley effectively uses his satiric medium to ridicule such actions and create awareness on the importance of people power. Mc Teague provides insight into the perspective of a hero, who was deemed a historical assassin to highlight the need to challenge authority that suppresses individual liberties. Through various forms and mediums, audiences gain a deeper appreciation and understanding of the political environment and that resilience is necessary to defy against the individual and social impacts oppressive political acts pose.
Composers employ an intended contrast of styles to emphasize how ones’ individuality is subtly negotiated for totalitarian stability. In Brave New World, Huxley utilizes a satiric perspective to represent authoritative brutality through the idea of soma and social conditioning. Good conceptual intro and amplification, concept first then bring in the text later. Huxley exposes the tyranny of conformism through the sardonic use of exaggeration of the happy tenor within “the warm, the richly coloured, the infinitely friendly soma-holiday.” While highlighting Huxley’s cynical take on the consumerist ideology and drugs, the emblematic anaphora allows responders to question the war against drugs, where authority is still unable to eliminate its presence in modern society. Fantastic analysis. These stratagems are recurrent in the novel representing the abuse of censorship as a political act, which is made evident within “the mind that judges and desires and decides- make up of… our [the state] suggestions!” Technique here? Try to use the quote and technique in the same sentence so I don't wonder where it is (I know it's coming up). The understatement of ‘suggestions’ emphasises the austerity of the commandments from the state, and the manipulation of the government in instilling an obedient culture within the social classes. Hence, suppressing the intellectual mind that can powerfully catalyse a revolution against authority. Bit more of an audience link here? In addition, this systematic totalitarian ideology highlights Huxley’s satiric take on the Marxist ideology, which claimed social equality but rather feeds the power vacuum of oppressive dictators. Thus, Huxley effectively uses satire to represent his competing perspective on the impact of political acts and its motivations on individual liberties and society as a whole. Fantastic paragraph, extremely effective!
In addition, to indoctrinate the population with a cult of culture aimed at conformity is a political act that weakens civil opposition and limits individuality. A broadened representation on the abuse of political control is emphasised through the satiric use of reversal within the asyndeton “community, stability and identity.” Deliberately placing significance on the term community, before identity, reinforces that stability is maintained by coercing an individual to government subordination and depriving the citizen of individuality. This is reiterated through the assonance, “everyone belongs to everyone else” which objectifies and dehumanises the individual to be merely the property of another. Audience link? However, Huxley emphasises the power of the cooperation between the individual and society that can challenge tyrannical authority and its oppressive demands that sacrifices one’s individuality. Lenina gives evidence to this within “when the individual feels, the community reels” highlighting that political acts will never truly impact everyone, as one’s ideas can be contagious upon the rest of the community and can shake the stability of the government. Technique here? Be careful to focus on representation, Lenina is just a puppet of Huxley! Thus, Huxley employs satire as a mechanism to propose his critique and dystopian perspective that emphasises that politics is a double edged sword. That is, oppressive political acts such as coercive conformity cannot impact an individual when society stands against tyrannical dictatorships and its injustices.[bAnother great paragraph![/b]
In V for Vendetta, director, James Mc. Teague employs the medium of a quasi-historical film and through cinematographic techniques, represents his perspective on authoritative brutality. Try to have a conceptual start like your prior paragraphs, also be sure to spell McTeigue's name correctly!! The diegetic wails of terror and close-up shots of Evey’s panicked expression as she is held at knife-edge by the secret police assists with Mc. Teague’s depiction of a dictatorial government’s abusive oppression. Chiaroscuro lighting casts Evey into intense light, emphasising her vulnerability, which positions the shocked audience to consider the dreadful impact of such tyrannical control. Fantastic. However, through the protagonist, V, Mc. Teague represents his underlying concept that acts of political oppression will not impact the individual and broader society, if used as a catalyst to challenge political rule. This concept is further captured through V’s costume, his mask illuminated by low-key lighting, and the close up shot of V orating, “People should not be afraid of their government; governments should be afraid of their people.” You could include a literary term for this quote, it is very powerful. Thus, emphasising the forceful impact of negative political acts and its motivations in creating V to “become a monster,” has enhanced his courage to challenge political oppression. This relays, unjust political acts are not an obstacle affecting the individual or society, rather they can become the driving force which unites a community to fight for vigilant justice and overthrow dictatorial states to advance for the better. A slightly more conclusive finish needed here I feel.
Teague’s satirical representation of the government’s exploitation of the media for political purposes is intended to manipulate the audience to question the extent to which they themselves are victims of such deception and censorship. Again, I'm looking for a more conceptual start. Talk about deception and censorship generally, and only then bring in your text. In the context of the patriot act resulting from the paradigm shift after 9/11 which gave broad ranging powers to the American government to survey suspected terrorists, the director represents political figures to be of barbarous nature. Great contextual link! The mid-shot angles and diegetic sounds of swords clashing, captures the satiric use of reversal as government officers attempt to rape a civilian, which highlights Teague exposing the hypocritical nature of authority in challenging the idea of civil protection and safety. Perfect. Also, through the mise en scene of propaganda posters and curfew signs along with news broadcasts through the media, the director represents the extent of manipulation political acts impose on society. What does this show the audience in general? Showcasing a montage of news broadcasts through fabricated issues, such as “civil war,” “water shortages”, “avian flu” and “airborne pathogens,” represents the abuse of media to instill fear within the populace, hence, coercing them into obedience. Slightly retell here, be careful not to rely on diegetic film aspects too much. As such, Mc. Teague positions viewers to consider the corruption of the media and political leaders within their own contexts through a confronting representation of the media’s dishonesty in this quasi-realistic state.
Government authority and the people cooperate in a symbiotic relationship in shaping the political environment and driving society towards advancement for the better. However, technological and scientific advancements are exploited at the hands of authority to impose decisions that negate one’s individuality and coerce society under government subordination. Huxley effectively uses his satiric medium to ridicule such actions and create awareness on the importance of people power. Mc Teague provides insight into the perspective of a hero, who was deemed a historical assassin to highlight the need to challenge authority that suppresses individual liberties. Through various forms and mediums, audiences gain a deeper appreciation and understanding of the political environment and that resilience is necessary to defy against the individual and social impacts oppressive political acts pose.
This is an awesome essay Kim! Amazing analysis, fantastic conceptual idea, with excellent links to context throughout as well. It fulfils the aims of this module extremely well, absolutely wonderful work!
I personally think 15/20 is quite harsh, I would have given this a little higher than that! But to justify the mark, and improve it for next time, my big suggestion would be ensuring that your essay responds to the question at hand consistently. I think in areas you do it really well, but you do fall away a tiny little bit in the last paragraph. A good check for this is to ensure that your intro and conclusion both match explicitly to each other and the question at hand, if they don't then chances are you got off track somewhere in the paragraph!
A few over arching things you could fix up (minor issues):
- Ensure all your paragraphs have a conceptual start, and only bring in the text after the concept is established. You did this for Huxley, but not McTeigue.
- Ensure that every example has a technique associated with it, and importantly, that these techniques are varied: This is a representation module! Therefore, everything must be focused on Huxley's representational choices
- Similarly, don't overly rely on the "world space" or "mise en scene," which are just more fancy ways of using a retell of the text and its features as analysis. It works in isolation, but do it too much and you'll slip into retell. You get close in the final paragraph, but you may want to consider this holistically also, because I think it is where your a couple of your marks went. Too much retell sours the marker.
- Ensure that you consistently (you are almost doing it consistently now) link to the audience and what we learn about the concept from the technique. How does the technique represent the idea? Why was that technique chosen over others?
To be honest though, I think this is a brilliant essay, Definitely some issues that can be fixed, but I would still consider it to be up there in the high range. I'm keen to figure out where those marks went (Module C was the module I struggled with most personally, I never managed 20/20 like I did for the others, so there is a real possibility I've missed something in my marking). What was the feedback you got from the teacher? Eager to work with you to improve it! :D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 12:05:26 pm
Hi Jamon,
is this a better intro?
Composers are able to effectively communicate fundamental aspects of the human condition to their audience through complex characterization and universal themes, such as those revolving around the nature of truth and deception. This is explored in Shakespeare’s play, Hamlet. Adopting the conventions of a revenge tragedy, the dramatic form of Hamlet exposes the audience to the rampant dishonesty and deception that beset the worldspace of Denmark, where Shakespeare illuminates and uncovers the conflict within the protagonist as he struggles to discern truth and reality amidst the corruption that permeates the play. Produced at a time of political and moral disorder in Elizabethan England, Shakespeare has cleverly incorporated these conflicting beliefs into the complex characterization of Hamlet to examine powerful metaphysical issues regarding both the individual and the ever-changing world, which are able to resonate strongly with both the Elizabethan and the contemporary audiences today.
Thank you so much! this is really helping me improve my essay :)
I think it is definitely better! I'd like some more expansion on the "truth and deception" part of your Thesis though, and I think you might want to go a little more conceptual with how you summarise the purpose of Hamlet. Don't just talk about the world space, talk about what Shakespeare wants to communicate in general (this is a nit pick), what does he want the audience to learn about truth and deception? ;D
Post by: amycronin on July 25, 2016, 03:48:33 pm
Hoping you can give me some advice on improvements for extra marks
Thank you so much!!
Spoiler
2015 Catholic Trial:
How does the study of Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen enrich your understanding of the complexity of social expectations in Pride and Prejudice?
In your response make detailed reference to your prescribed texts.
A close examination of Weldon’s epistolary novel ‘Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane enriches our understanding of the complex expectations evident in Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ through providing historical information and relating Austen’s issues through a post-modern context. In the words of Weldon; “The times in which writers live are important”, especially in the case of Jane Austen, living in regency England, a society governed by rules and expectations controlling many major aspects in the lives of its individuals. Reading ‘Pride and Prejudice’ enriches our understanding of what it means to be a young woman restricted by complex societal expectations. Fay Weldon’s purpose, and that of her narrator, in the novel ‘Letters to Alice’ is decidedly didactic, seeking to inform the fictional character Alice, and therefore us as readers, of the value of Jane Austen and “Literature with a capital L”. With this purpose in mind, Weldon explores the complex social structures of Austen’s world, furthering our appreciation and knowledge of these expectations and their impact on the characters in ‘Pride and Prejudice’.
Weldon’s purpose is to teach us, help us understand the issues Jane Austen was surrounded with and the complex social conventions she was expected to succumb to. Weldon delves into the intricate societal expectations conveyed in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ in order to allow us to appreciate more fully the extent and implications of these expectations on young women in Austen’s world. Weldon uses a conversational style to explore marriage, which is predominantly featured in Austen’s novels, but also depicts the other issues going on within the context of these novels. Weldon uses factual and statistical information to reinforce the very real level of severity with which young women were subject to. While marriage was important for monetary gain, it was also vital in regards to the legitimacy of children, as, if one were to give birth out of wedlock you would “spend the rest of your life in a lunatic asylum, classified as a moral imbecile.” Weldon also comments on the high levels of poverty of the time “Because people were so poor ... they would run, and toil, and sweat all day and all night to save themselves and their children from starvation.” Through her novel, Weldon allows us to sympathise and understand, in order to more fully engage with the text and the world of the characters.
Marriage played a vital part in the lives of young women during Jane Austen’s life and so heavily influenced her writing and the attitudes of her characters. Marriage for young women was viewed as an expectation on a familial and social level, as the consequences for remaining single were often viewed as disastrous. Women had little employment opportunities and any money from the woman’s family would most likely be inherited by male family members, as shown in the entailment of the Longbourn estate to Mr Collins. Therefore, as Weldon explains, marriage “was a woman’s aim” and the only sure pathway to security. Weldon transfers this issue to a contemporary context through the comparison of Asian women marrying white ranchers “in order to survive”, suggesting that even today some women still experience the confines felt by women such as Charlotte Lucas. The matrimony of Charlotte and Mr Collins portrays the realistic and almost business-like perspective of marriage, as, though love is not involved, through the union Charlotte achieves a sense of security and Mr Collins has a wife to present to his patroness Lady Catherine. Through her alter ego, Aunt Fay, Weldon encourages us to further our understanding of the severe impact this societal convention of marriage had on young women, “Women were born poor, and stayed poor, and lived well only by their husbands’ favour,” causing us to sympathise with the character of Mrs Bennet who understood the full extent of hardship her daughters could face if they remained single. Through Weldon’s provision of historical information, she forces us as readers to look further than Austen’s satirical representation and consider the very real impacts of marriage in this context.
In reading ‘Pride and Prejudice’ we become aware of the rigid and complex social class system present in Austen’s time. This is particularly represented through the characterisation of Lady Catherine who embodies the social hierarchy of the time and comments “Your alliance will be a disgrace...” to Elizabeth concerning her relationship with Darcy. Through the character of Elizabeth, Austen challenges this class system “...he is a gentleman and I am a gentleman’s daughter: so far we are equal,” providing a new meaning of social equals. In this novel, Jane Austen presents the radical idea, which is widely accepted in our society today, that marriage should be between equals and the ideal match is based on genuine affection. This is shown in the irony of the famous opening line which foreshadows this desperate pursuit of marriage in Austen’s time, but also satirises the idea of marrying purely for monetary gain. Weldon provides historical evidence regarding the class system which Austen criticised, stating that this communion was only possible under “unbelievable circumstances”. Weldon’s narration allows us to realise the great extent to which Austen was “swim[ming] against the stream” in her ideas, giving the reader a greater depth of knowledge regarding the audience Austen was facing.
In conclusion, Fay Weldon analyses and explains the complex social expectations observed in Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ through her novel ‘Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen’. Weldon’s explanation enriches our understanding of these expectations through providing historical evidence and relating the issues through a post-modern context. This allows us as contemporary readers to become more engaged with Austen’s text and realise the impact of her context on the novel.
How does the study of Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen enrich your understanding of the complexity of social expectations in Pride and Prejudice?
In your response make detailed reference to your prescribed texts.
A close examination of Weldon’s epistolary novel ‘Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane enriches our understanding of the complex expectations evident in Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ through providing historical information and relating Austen’s issues through a post-modern context. In the words of Weldon; “The times in which writers live are important”, especially in the case of Jane Austen, living in regency England, a society governed by rules and expectations controlling many major aspects in the lives of its individuals. Reading ‘Pride and Prejudice’ enriches our understanding of what it means to be a young woman restricted by complex societal expectations. Fay Weldon’s purpose, and that of her narrator, in the novel ‘Letters to Alice’ is decidedly didactic, seeking to inform the fictional character Alice, and therefore us as readers, of the value of Jane Austen and “Literature with a capital L”. With this purpose in mind, Weldon explores the complex social structures of Austen’s world, furthering our appreciation and knowledge of these expectations and their impact on the characters in ‘Pride and Prejudice’.
Weldon’s purpose is to teach us, help us understand the issues Jane Austen was surrounded with and the complex social conventions she was expected to succumb to. Weldon delves into the intricate societal expectations conveyed in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ in order to allow us to appreciate more fully the extent and implications of these expectations on young women in Austen’s world. Weldon uses a conversational style to explore marriage, which is predominantly featured in Austen’s novels, but also depicts the other issues going on within the context of these novels. Weldon uses factual and statistical information to reinforce the very real level of severity with which young women were subject to. While marriage was important for monetary gain, it was also vital in regards to the legitimacy of children, as, if one were to give birth out of wedlock you would “spend the rest of your life in a lunatic asylum, classified as a moral imbecile.” Weldon also comments on the high levels of poverty of the time “Because people were so poor ... they would run, and toil, and sweat all day and all night to save themselves and their children from starvation.” Through her novel, Weldon allows us to sympathise and understand, in order to more fully engage with the text and the world of the characters.
Marriage played a vital part in the lives of young women during Jane Austen’s life and so heavily influenced her writing and the attitudes of her characters. Marriage for young women was viewed as an expectation on a familial and social level, as the consequences for remaining single were often viewed as disastrous. Women had little employment opportunities and any money from the woman’s family would most likely be inherited by male family members, as shown in the entailment of the Longbourn estate to Mr Collins. Therefore, as Weldon explains, marriage “was a woman’s aim” and the only sure pathway to security. Weldon transfers this issue to a contemporary context through the comparison of Asian women marrying white ranchers “in order to survive”, suggesting that even today some women still experience the confines felt by women such as Charlotte Lucas. The matrimony of Charlotte and Mr Collins portrays the realistic and almost business-like perspective of marriage, as, though love is not involved, through the union Charlotte achieves a sense of security and Mr Collins has a wife to present to his patroness Lady Catherine. Through her alter ego, Aunt Fay, Weldon encourages us to further our understanding of the severe impact this societal convention of marriage had on young women, “Women were born poor, and stayed poor, and lived well only by their husbands’ favour,” causing us to sympathise with the character of Mrs Bennet who understood the full extent of hardship her daughters could face if they remained single. Through Weldon’s provision of historical information, she forces us as readers to look further than Austen’s satirical representation and consider the very real impacts of marriage in this context.
In reading ‘Pride and Prejudice’ we become aware of the rigid and complex social class system present in Austen’s time. This is particularly represented through the characterisation of Lady Catherine who embodies the social hierarchy of the time and comments “Your alliance will be a disgrace...” to Elizabeth concerning her relationship with Darcy. Through the character of Elizabeth, Austen challenges this class system “...he is a gentleman and I am a gentleman’s daughter: so far we are equal,” providing a new meaning of social equals. In this novel, Jane Austen presents the radical idea, which is widely accepted in our society today, that marriage should be between equals and the ideal match is based on genuine affection. This is shown in the irony of the famous opening line which foreshadows this desperate pursuit of marriage in Austen’s time, but also satirises the idea of marrying purely for monetary gain. Weldon provides historical evidence regarding the class system which Austen criticised, stating that this communion was only possible under “unbelievable circumstances”. Weldon’s narration allows us to realise the great extent to which Austen was “swim[ming] against the stream” in her ideas, giving the reader a greater depth of knowledge regarding the audience Austen was facing.
In conclusion, Fay Weldon analyses and explains the complex social expectations observed in Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’ through her novel ‘Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen’. Weldon’s explanation enriches our understanding of these expectations through providing historical evidence and relating the issues through a post-modern context. This allows us as contemporary readers to become more engaged with Austen’s text and realise the impact of her context on the novel.
Moderator Action: Added spoiler :D
Post by: isaacdelatorre on July 25, 2016, 07:08:11 pm
Could I please, please, please get some feedback on my Module A essay?
For this task, I only got 12/15 and would really like to boost my mark in this module. Please be as brutal as you can with it. Also I'm a little concerned with the length of it, if you had any thoughts on what parts to cull or make more succinct; I am open to any and all suggestions.
Thank you soo much :D
Spoiler
The the inescapable power of a composer’s context becomes evident through composer’s exploration of universal issues concerning love, which shapes their perspective, language and form; inviting responders to reflect on the values within each context that influence perceptions of love. The complex nature of love is revealed as it cannot be singularly classified; instead contextual values influence contrasting perspectives that challenge other widely accepted contemporary expectations of love. Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) 1850s poems Sonnets from the Portuguese allows her to escape from oppressive patriarchal attitudes prevalent within the Victorian era through her ideal love. Similarly, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1955 novel The Great Gatsby criticises superficiality prominent in the Jazz Age, guiding the existential ‘lost generation’ by promoting idealised love. Both present similar perspectives that pursuing ideal love, even when condemned by contextual expectations of love and gender, catalyses actions to attain ideal love. The texts differ when exploring the ability to withstand the patriarchy and superficiality, which hinges on the procurement of ideal love.
EBB, through the persona, reveals the complexity of love through her own spiritual perception of ideal love; contrasting to the oppressive perception of love within the Victorian era, motivating her to act to attain her ideal love. Her ideal love is more intense and thus condemned by the patriarchal expectations of women, represented by the utilisation of iambic pentameter in every sonnet “Say thou dost love me, love me, love me – toll” alluding to a heartbeat, symbolising her overwhelming desire for pure love. Her pursuit of ideal love contrasts the Victorian constraint on love and marriage which emphasised status and financial gain; opposing the purity EBB desires. Through negation and accumulation within “Do not say I love her for her smile … her way of looking ... her way of speaking gently” represents her desire for a pure love that rejects love as shallow and superficial. In her pursuit, EBB is forced to caution love that does not meet her expectations, contrasting Victorian attitudes of women as submissive and obedient towards love, exemplified through celestial imagery and juxtaposition, conveying her attitude of impermanence “Sun rose on thine oath to love me, I looked to the moon.” EBB adopts her contexts emerging empirical search for truth, thus challenging uneducated stereotypes of women through her intelligent and wary empirical quest. EBB challenges Victorian perspectives of love to obtain a pure love that meets her expectations exposing her desire to challenge the historical and cultural values of women and love contradicting hers, thus revealing the complexity of love.
EBB reveals the complex nature of love as she is able to defy restrictive patriarchal values of love that condemn her pursuit, only when ideal love is attained. In sonnet XLII, she declares her love for Robert, the intended audience of her poetry, through the repetition of “I love thee” juxtaposing the cautious tone present in every other sonnet, indicating her procurement of her ideal love. Attaining pure love enables EBB to break free from female stereotypes, exemplified by “hold the torch out where the winds are rough,” utilising tactile imagery to metaphorically capture EBB’s ability to promote her views on gender equality in her patriarchal context, where one women were married, money and power went to their husband whilst EBB remains independent; illustrating complex, contradictory perspectives of love. Rigid structures on love influence EBB’s chosen form of the Petrarchan sonnet which followed specific rhyme and meter, representing strict Victorian views of love. However, EBB’s manipulation of the structure evident in her unconventional Volta placement in such as “but there, the silver answer rang” in line 13, symbolises her ability to challenge expectations of love and the submissive women when her ideal love is attained. Her ability to withstand gender stereotypes is reinforced as she metaphorically “slackens all those bonds” in sonnet XXXII, reflecting her transcendence of her personal context, ignoring her fathers wishes not to marry due to her disabilities; instead pursuing her spiritual love by marrying a younger man at age 40, older than the average 18-year-old. EBB exposes the complex nature of love by proving that only by attaining ideal love can she withstand the societal expectations of women by promoting gender equality; and also overcoming personal contextual disadvantage.
Like EBB’s desire for her condemned, ideal love and its subsequent motivational power; F. Scott Fitzgerald also conveys the complexity of multiple perceptions of ideal love by condemning the hedonistic contextual values which contrast Gatsby’s ideal love. Fitzgerald’s repetition of hyperbolised parties centred on wealth and self-indulgence indicate the values of Fitzgerald’s context; exposed in the simile “men and girls came like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars” Juxtaposition of cacophonic and euphoric imagery allows Fitzgerald to criticise the immorality of superficial satisfaction from wealth as it causes apathy to repercussions, following America’s success in WWI. Just like EBB’s desire for pure love, Gatsby’s longing for ideal love was uncommon during the 1920’s where hedonistic attitudes reduced the sanctity of marriage as exemplified by Tom and Daisy’s separate infidelity. Materialistic attitudes force Gatsby to become obsessed with attaining such love, even if impossible. Biblical allusions accentuate his desire especially when it goes against hedonistic societal norms “He had committed himself to following the Holy Grail” demonstrates his willingness to act in pursuit of his ideal love even if unattainable as his ideal love is represented by Daisy who is corrupt by superficiality and will not fit his ideal love. Thus Fitzgerald harshly critiques the superficial hedonism of the roaring 20s revealing the complexity of love as it challenges his and Gatsby’s ideal love, just as EBB’s context challenged hers.
Unlike EBB’s attainment of pure love, enabling her to withstand patriarchal Victorian values; Fitzgerald conveys the complexity of love in that it is the only platform with which we can withstand contextual values, if not attained, we succumb to superficial values that surround us. Fitzgerald’s condemnation of hedonistic values is revealed as Gatsby is unable to procure his ideal love due to Daisy, who Gatsby believes embodies his ideal love, already being consumed by materialism. The high modal hyperbole present within “Daisy tumbled short of his dreams … because of the colossal vitality of his illusion” portraying the complexity of love as it foreshadows his failure at gaining ideal love. His inability to attain his ideal love is reinforced through his objectification of Daisy within “his count of enchanted objects had diminished by one” conveying the impossibility of obtaining his ideal love, revealed through the whimsical and fanciful tone; also exposing his superficiality as his ideal love is reduced into a materialistic “object.” Gatsby’s inability to withstand hedonistic attitudes in the rebellion against alcohol prohibition influences the form of the novel as Fitzgerald’s use of characterisation reveals how Gatsby becomes consumed by these hedonistic attitudes due to not attaining ideal love. Contrasting EBB, who declares her independence and challenges patriarchal constraints because she acquires her ideal love. Fitzgerald’s condemnation of hedonistic values is represented by Gatsby, who in his inability to attain his ideal love, becomes consumed by immoral attitudes thus revealing the complexity of love.
Thus the complexity of love is revealed as it is unique and so powerful, that allows for the withstanding of contextual values. A composers’ desire to challenge the attitudes they consider immoral such as the patriarchy and materialism, affect their perspective of love. Exemplified by disparate texts such as Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnets from the Portuguese and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, sharing the perspective that ideal love motivates acts to attain it, going against gender and superficial values. However, only through attaining ideal love is EBB able to withstand gender constructs confining her; conversely Fitzgerald’s protagonist continually succumbs to immoral hedonistic values.
EBB, through the persona, reveals the complexity of love through her own spiritual perception of ideal love; contrasting to the oppressive perception of love within the Victorian era, motivating her to act to attain her ideal love. Her ideal love is more intense and thus condemned by the patriarchal expectations of women, represented by the utilisation of iambic pentameter in every sonnet “Say thou dost love me, love me, love me – toll” alluding to a heartbeat, symbolising her overwhelming desire for pure love. Her pursuit of ideal love contrasts the Victorian constraint on love and marriage which emphasised status and financial gain; opposing the purity EBB desires. Through negation and accumulation within “Do not say I love her for her smile … her way of looking ... her way of speaking gently” represents her desire for a pure love that rejects love as shallow and superficial. In her pursuit, EBB is forced to caution love that does not meet her expectations, contrasting Victorian attitudes of women as submissive and obedient towards love, exemplified through celestial imagery and juxtaposition, conveying her attitude of impermanence “Sun rose on thine oath to love me, I looked to the moon.” EBB adopts her contexts emerging empirical search for truth, thus challenging uneducated stereotypes of women through her intelligent and wary empirical quest. EBB challenges Victorian perspectives of love to obtain a pure love that meets her expectations exposing her desire to challenge the historical and cultural values of women and love contradicting hers, thus revealing the complexity of love.
EBB reveals the complex nature of love as she is able to defy restrictive patriarchal values of love that condemn her pursuit, only when ideal love is attained. In sonnet XLII, she declares her love for Robert, the intended audience of her poetry, through the repetition of “I love thee” juxtaposing the cautious tone present in every other sonnet, indicating her procurement of her ideal love. Attaining pure love enables EBB to break free from female stereotypes, exemplified by “hold the torch out where the winds are rough,” utilising tactile imagery to metaphorically capture EBB’s ability to promote her views on gender equality in her patriarchal context, where one women were married, money and power went to their husband whilst EBB remains independent; illustrating complex, contradictory perspectives of love. Rigid structures on love influence EBB’s chosen form of the Petrarchan sonnet which followed specific rhyme and meter, representing strict Victorian views of love. However, EBB’s manipulation of the structure evident in her unconventional Volta placement in such as “but there, the silver answer rang” in line 13, symbolises her ability to challenge expectations of love and the submissive women when her ideal love is attained. Her ability to withstand gender stereotypes is reinforced as she metaphorically “slackens all those bonds” in sonnet XXXII, reflecting her transcendence of her personal context, ignoring her fathers wishes not to marry due to her disabilities; instead pursuing her spiritual love by marrying a younger man at age 40, older than the average 18-year-old. EBB exposes the complex nature of love by proving that only by attaining ideal love can she withstand the societal expectations of women by promoting gender equality; and also overcoming personal contextual disadvantage.
Like EBB’s desire for her condemned, ideal love and its subsequent motivational power; F. Scott Fitzgerald also conveys the complexity of multiple perceptions of ideal love by condemning the hedonistic contextual values which contrast Gatsby’s ideal love. Fitzgerald’s repetition of hyperbolised parties centred on wealth and self-indulgence indicate the values of Fitzgerald’s context; exposed in the simile “men and girls came like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars” Juxtaposition of cacophonic and euphoric imagery allows Fitzgerald to criticise the immorality of superficial satisfaction from wealth as it causes apathy to repercussions, following America’s success in WWI. Just like EBB’s desire for pure love, Gatsby’s longing for ideal love was uncommon during the 1920’s where hedonistic attitudes reduced the sanctity of marriage as exemplified by Tom and Daisy’s separate infidelity. Materialistic attitudes force Gatsby to become obsessed with attaining such love, even if impossible. Biblical allusions accentuate his desire especially when it goes against hedonistic societal norms “He had committed himself to following the Holy Grail” demonstrates his willingness to act in pursuit of his ideal love even if unattainable as his ideal love is represented by Daisy who is corrupt by superficiality and will not fit his ideal love. Thus Fitzgerald harshly critiques the superficial hedonism of the roaring 20s revealing the complexity of love as it challenges his and Gatsby’s ideal love, just as EBB’s context challenged hers.
Unlike EBB’s attainment of pure love, enabling her to withstand patriarchal Victorian values; Fitzgerald conveys the complexity of love in that it is the only platform with which we can withstand contextual values, if not attained, we succumb to superficial values that surround us. Fitzgerald’s condemnation of hedonistic values is revealed as Gatsby is unable to procure his ideal love due to Daisy, who Gatsby believes embodies his ideal love, already being consumed by materialism. The high modal hyperbole present within “Daisy tumbled short of his dreams … because of the colossal vitality of his illusion” portraying the complexity of love as it foreshadows his failure at gaining ideal love. His inability to attain his ideal love is reinforced through his objectification of Daisy within “his count of enchanted objects had diminished by one” conveying the impossibility of obtaining his ideal love, revealed through the whimsical and fanciful tone; also exposing his superficiality as his ideal love is reduced into a materialistic “object.” Gatsby’s inability to withstand hedonistic attitudes in the rebellion against alcohol prohibition influences the form of the novel as Fitzgerald’s use of characterisation reveals how Gatsby becomes consumed by these hedonistic attitudes due to not attaining ideal love. Contrasting EBB, who declares her independence and challenges patriarchal constraints because she acquires her ideal love. Fitzgerald’s condemnation of hedonistic values is represented by Gatsby, who in his inability to attain his ideal love, becomes consumed by immoral attitudes thus revealing the complexity of love.
Thus the complexity of love is revealed as it is unique and so powerful, that allows for the withstanding of contextual values. A composers’ desire to challenge the attitudes they consider immoral such as the patriarchy and materialism, affect their perspective of love. Exemplified by disparate texts such as Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnets from the Portuguese and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, sharing the perspective that ideal love motivates acts to attain it, going against gender and superficial values. However, only through attaining ideal love is EBB able to withstand gender constructs confining her; conversely Fitzgerald’s protagonist continually succumbs to immoral hedonistic values.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 07:41:45 pm
Hi here's my essay for Module A - intertextual connections (Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice)
Hoping you can give me some advice on improvements for extra marks
Thank you so much!!
Hey Amy! Welcome to the forums! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay, however, you need 5 ATAR Notes posts for every essay you'd like marked. So one essay needs 5 posts, 20 essays needs 100 posts, etc etc ;D This is to ensure that the service remains accessible for all active members of the ATAR Notes community. Full rules are at the link in my signature :)
So you just need 4 more posts. Feel free to hang around the forums, ask questions, chat about stuff, you can also go make your first (second) post in our New User's Lounge! When you have met the criteria, come back and let us know! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 08:25:26 pm
This is an adaptable module B essay that i've changed up a fair bit, I was wondering if you would be able to give me some feedback regarding changes that have to be made or places where I've gone awry. Cheers a tonne
Hey Jimmy!! I sure can, I'll treat it as a completely stand alone version (since I don't think I marked this last time, I lose track, aha) so you can see whether your changes have addressed your old feedback ;D oh, and this is a Module A essay I am sure, not Module B right?
Essay is attached with comments in bold!
Spoiler
The study of texts with alternate social, cultural and historical contexts, such as Fritz Lang’s Metropolis and George Orwell’s 1984, often reveal the ways in which changes in context lead to changed values being expressed in texts. Try to start with a more conceptual Thesis; what idea is going to be the focus of your essay (probably control and revolution), and only then bring in your text. This assertion is exemplified through an analytical comparison of both Metropolis and 1984, as both texts portray alternate perspectives on the themes of control and revolution. Lang, in his 1927 silent film Metropolis, foretells the ruin that will result from the aspiration for a capitalistic world while Orwell’s cautionary tale, 1984, provides a scathing critique of totalitarian regimes. Ultimately, both texts reflect the issues of control engendering revolution despite alternate contexts, thus allowing for an analytical comparison of both to provide an insight into the perpetuity of these concerns. Solid introduction with good links to the module, a slightly more conceptual approach would make it shine! ;D
In the 1927 film Metropolis, Fritz Lang extrapolates from his current context of Weimar Germany to provide a social commentary on the future if capitalistic industrialists continue to exercise control over the working class. Same as above, try to start every paragraph with something conceptual. EG - "Composers may extrapolates on issues of their contexts to provide a didactic warning on emerging social issues." -> And then this sentence slides right in afterwards. Lang reveals the aspect of control through Maria’s description of the construction of the Tower of Babel. When Maria says, “but the hands that built the tower of Babel, knew nothing of the dream”. Technique here? You can do better than description, and this is also heavily based on retell. The control exercised over the lower class is demonstrated through Lang’s application of synecdoche, as “hands” dehumanises the workers, framing them strictly as a means to an end. Better! Through this extended metaphor of the construction of the Tower of Babel, Lang directly attacks the totalitarian capitalists who subject workers to inhumane treatment as a means of creating capital and extracting revenue in 1920’s Weimar Germany while highlighting the exploitation that befell these workers who had no opportunity to work elsewhere as the capitalists monopolised all vacant jobs as only they ‘knew … of the dream’. Slow start, but rounded the paragraph effectively. Remember to conclude your paragraph effectively though, and make specific reference to the audience of Lang's context!
Comparably to Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 is imbued with the concept of control to criticise totalitarian regimes present during his own specific context. Good inter-textual comparison. Orwell presents this concept of control when Winston says, “The thought police moved always amongst them … eliminating the few individuals who were judged capable of becoming dangerous”. Technique? Don't just retell the text as analysis, you must focus on techniques. Orwell incorporates the symbolic allusion of the thought police throughout the novel, characterising them to be construed as a malevolent force fixated on the control of ‘thought criminals’ through methods such as silencing and ‘vaporising’. What does this reveal to the audience about totalitarianism? Orwell’s incorporation of ‘the thought police’ is reminiscent of totalitarian regimes such as the Nazis’ Gestapo and Stalinist Russia’s KGB, which both ‘vaporised’ anyone deemed ‘dangerous’, being anyone they could not control or anyone who would dissent, thus depicting the all encompassing nature of control within Orwell’s reality. Solid paragraph, same issues as above: Audience links and a proper conclusion are both needed.
Control in Metropolis and in 1984 operates divergently from one another. Interesting structural choice here. In Metropolis, control of the workers is engendered by Frederson’s capitalist utopia through the subjugation of workers, who become reliant on employment to survive, much like the workers in 1920’s Weimar Germany. Retell. Dissimilarly in 1984, control takes a more sinister tone as it seeps into all facets of life, being idiosyncrasies such as ‘whispers’ and ‘a look in the eye’. Retell. These minute details are the causes of numerous ‘vaporisations’, reminiscent of Nazi Germany’s Night of the Long Knives and Stalinist Russia’s Great purges. Both these alternate portrayals of control are prerequisites for the two different versions of revolution presented. Some good contextual links, but this paragraph lacks rigour and analytical strength. It feels far weaker than your others..
Akin to Orwell’s 1984, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis is presented as a literary embodiment of Lang’s fear of capitalism acting as a nexus for economic control to foster, catalysing a revolution. This notion is exhibited during the Moloch scene where Freder witnesses the working class being swallowed by the machine. Retell. As the superimposition of Moloch is a subjective hallucination on behalf of Freder, Lang suggests that Freder has a repressed internal guilt towards the lower class as he resists the traditional 1920’s totalitarian capitalists modus operandi and sees the workers as more than an avenue for revenue. What does this show about capitalism? Lang couples this with Freder’s sporadic, melodramatic actions in response to the deaths of the workers, again implying emotions of guilt and revolution towards capitalist industrialists who run Metropolis and who ran 1920’s Weimar Germany, catalysing Metropolis’ initial revolution. Retell.
Like Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 explores the ignition of revolution within a general society that is controlled in every facet of life, stemming from Orwell’s post WWII contextual concerns of the rise of totalitarianism. You are making some great links between context and the composers purpose, but I want you to link context to the techniques too. What choices have the composers made to portray issues of their context? Orwell purposefully incorporates tyrannical control to catalyse revolution when Syme says, “The proles are not human beings”. Retell, no technique. Orwell’s zoomorphic characterisation of the proles is utilised as they symbolise the unadulterated and primordial side of human nature, posing as a literary foil to the party, a resistance towards their authoritarianism and monopolisation of human expression. What does this reveal to the audience? Portrayed as a dormant form of revolution, O’Brien reifies the idea of this revolution when he says, “Your old idea that the proles will arrive and overthrow us”. Retell. Winston’s ‘old idea’ of galvanising the proles contextually harmonises with the attitudes during WWII where German civilians became content under totalitarian leadership, however Orwell’s novel reflects reality as he criticises the inaction of ‘the proles’ as ‘If there is any hope’ for revolution, ‘it lies in the proles’.
It is in the denouement of the two texts that the distinct divergence between contexts occurs regarding control and revolution. Metropolis’ revolution under economic control ends with a sense of hope with a liberated Maria who unites Grot and Frederson through the empathic Freder, whereas in 1984’s final line, Winston’s proclamation of love for big brother is seen as a final, crushing defeat that suggests no hope for revolution exists under overwhelmingly powerful totalitarian regimes. I feel these shorter paragraphs feel quite out of place. While I know they are a method of comparison, they feel forced due to their length in comparison to the others.
An analytical comparison of both Lang’s film Metropolis and Orwell’s novel 1984 reveals that the composers’s respective contexts influences their choice of language forms and features along with the ideas and values being conveyed in each text. With regard to what issues specifically? What do they focus on? Both Lang’ Metropolis and Orwell’s 1984 demonstrate the idea that comparing texts through time allows for an enlightened understanding of the relationship between them, despite context, content and form. Ultimately, the texts display the timeless truth of oppressive, tyrannical control engendering revolution through both composers’ idiosyncratic, yet somewhat similar dystopian worlds. Solid conclusion on the whole, again, good links to module.
In the 1927 film Metropolis, Fritz Lang extrapolates from his current context of Weimar Germany to provide a social commentary on the future if capitalistic industrialists continue to exercise control over the working class. Same as above, try to start every paragraph with something conceptual. EG - "Composers may extrapolates on issues of their contexts to provide a didactic warning on emerging social issues." -> And then this sentence slides right in afterwards. Lang reveals the aspect of control through Maria’s description of the construction of the Tower of Babel. When Maria says, “but the hands that built the tower of Babel, knew nothing of the dream”. Technique here? You can do better than description, and this is also heavily based on retell. The control exercised over the lower class is demonstrated through Lang’s application of synecdoche, as “hands” dehumanises the workers, framing them strictly as a means to an end. Better! Through this extended metaphor of the construction of the Tower of Babel, Lang directly attacks the totalitarian capitalists who subject workers to inhumane treatment as a means of creating capital and extracting revenue in 1920’s Weimar Germany while highlighting the exploitation that befell these workers who had no opportunity to work elsewhere as the capitalists monopolised all vacant jobs as only they ‘knew … of the dream’. Slow start, but rounded the paragraph effectively. Remember to conclude your paragraph effectively though, and make specific reference to the audience of Lang's context!
Comparably to Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 is imbued with the concept of control to criticise totalitarian regimes present during his own specific context. Good inter-textual comparison. Orwell presents this concept of control when Winston says, “The thought police moved always amongst them … eliminating the few individuals who were judged capable of becoming dangerous”. Technique? Don't just retell the text as analysis, you must focus on techniques. Orwell incorporates the symbolic allusion of the thought police throughout the novel, characterising them to be construed as a malevolent force fixated on the control of ‘thought criminals’ through methods such as silencing and ‘vaporising’. What does this reveal to the audience about totalitarianism? Orwell’s incorporation of ‘the thought police’ is reminiscent of totalitarian regimes such as the Nazis’ Gestapo and Stalinist Russia’s KGB, which both ‘vaporised’ anyone deemed ‘dangerous’, being anyone they could not control or anyone who would dissent, thus depicting the all encompassing nature of control within Orwell’s reality. Solid paragraph, same issues as above: Audience links and a proper conclusion are both needed.
Control in Metropolis and in 1984 operates divergently from one another. Interesting structural choice here. In Metropolis, control of the workers is engendered by Frederson’s capitalist utopia through the subjugation of workers, who become reliant on employment to survive, much like the workers in 1920’s Weimar Germany. Retell. Dissimilarly in 1984, control takes a more sinister tone as it seeps into all facets of life, being idiosyncrasies such as ‘whispers’ and ‘a look in the eye’. Retell. These minute details are the causes of numerous ‘vaporisations’, reminiscent of Nazi Germany’s Night of the Long Knives and Stalinist Russia’s Great purges. Both these alternate portrayals of control are prerequisites for the two different versions of revolution presented. Some good contextual links, but this paragraph lacks rigour and analytical strength. It feels far weaker than your others..
Akin to Orwell’s 1984, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis is presented as a literary embodiment of Lang’s fear of capitalism acting as a nexus for economic control to foster, catalysing a revolution. This notion is exhibited during the Moloch scene where Freder witnesses the working class being swallowed by the machine. Retell. As the superimposition of Moloch is a subjective hallucination on behalf of Freder, Lang suggests that Freder has a repressed internal guilt towards the lower class as he resists the traditional 1920’s totalitarian capitalists modus operandi and sees the workers as more than an avenue for revenue. What does this show about capitalism? Lang couples this with Freder’s sporadic, melodramatic actions in response to the deaths of the workers, again implying emotions of guilt and revolution towards capitalist industrialists who run Metropolis and who ran 1920’s Weimar Germany, catalysing Metropolis’ initial revolution. Retell.
Like Lang’s Metropolis, Orwell’s 1984 explores the ignition of revolution within a general society that is controlled in every facet of life, stemming from Orwell’s post WWII contextual concerns of the rise of totalitarianism. You are making some great links between context and the composers purpose, but I want you to link context to the techniques too. What choices have the composers made to portray issues of their context? Orwell purposefully incorporates tyrannical control to catalyse revolution when Syme says, “The proles are not human beings”. Retell, no technique. Orwell’s zoomorphic characterisation of the proles is utilised as they symbolise the unadulterated and primordial side of human nature, posing as a literary foil to the party, a resistance towards their authoritarianism and monopolisation of human expression. What does this reveal to the audience? Portrayed as a dormant form of revolution, O’Brien reifies the idea of this revolution when he says, “Your old idea that the proles will arrive and overthrow us”. Retell. Winston’s ‘old idea’ of galvanising the proles contextually harmonises with the attitudes during WWII where German civilians became content under totalitarian leadership, however Orwell’s novel reflects reality as he criticises the inaction of ‘the proles’ as ‘If there is any hope’ for revolution, ‘it lies in the proles’.
It is in the denouement of the two texts that the distinct divergence between contexts occurs regarding control and revolution. Metropolis’ revolution under economic control ends with a sense of hope with a liberated Maria who unites Grot and Frederson through the empathic Freder, whereas in 1984’s final line, Winston’s proclamation of love for big brother is seen as a final, crushing defeat that suggests no hope for revolution exists under overwhelmingly powerful totalitarian regimes. I feel these shorter paragraphs feel quite out of place. While I know they are a method of comparison, they feel forced due to their length in comparison to the others.
An analytical comparison of both Lang’s film Metropolis and Orwell’s novel 1984 reveals that the composers’s respective contexts influences their choice of language forms and features along with the ideas and values being conveyed in each text. With regard to what issues specifically? What do they focus on? Both Lang’ Metropolis and Orwell’s 1984 demonstrate the idea that comparing texts through time allows for an enlightened understanding of the relationship between them, despite context, content and form. Ultimately, the texts display the timeless truth of oppressive, tyrannical control engendering revolution through both composers’ idiosyncratic, yet somewhat similar dystopian worlds. Solid conclusion on the whole, again, good links to module.
This is a great essay Jimmy, especially in how you bring in the contextual aspects of the module! You have a clear understanding of the contextual purpose of both composers, that is clear, and you have some great concepts and excellent textual knowledge. Great work on all counts! ;D
Feel free to have a flick through my comments in the essay, I'll give you two big pieces of feedback with which to proceed :)
First, improving quality of analysis. Right now, you are not connecting your analysis to the audience effectively, and often, using retell to communicate your ideas. For example:
Orwell presents this concept of control when Winston says, “The thought police moved always amongst them … eliminating the few individuals who were judged capable of becoming dangerous.
Here, you are simply using something that happened in the text to prove your concept. This isn't analytical, but it is an easy fix! Good analysis has three aspects, go to TEA:
- Technique: What technique has the composer used?
- Explain: Why did the composer use this technique? What were they trying to communicate? What aspect of context comes across?
- Audience: What does the audience learn about the concept as a result? What new understanding do we gain?
The sentence above, using these principles, could become (not a good example because the quote has no obvious technique, but I used alliteration to demonstrate):
This concept of control is accentuated through Orwell's use of alliteration in the description of his world space. “The thought police moved always amongst them," as the audience realises that totalitarianism ultimately threatens our personal privacy.
Technique, Example, Audience
Using this style will eliminate retell and guarantee you connect to the audience at all times ;D
My other piece of feedback concerns your structure; those smaller paragraphs aren't as strong as your others, it creates a balance issue. I'd trim them and instead try to integrate the comparison throughout your other 4 paragraphs. The two short paragraphs interrupt the greater flow, and further, aren't quite enough to fulfil the comparative aspects of the module ;D
So those are the two things for you to work on moving forward, I hope this helps!! Let me know if you need any clarification ;D
Post by: sudodds on July 26, 2016, 12:03:41 am
(btw I actually do have 15 posts now, they just don't seem to be showing up on the side :( If you go to my profile though it should have 15 because I know I needed another five to send this essay through :) )
Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of Eliot’s exploration of the relationship between individuals and their world within his poetry. In your response discuss ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” and TWO other poems set for study.
Throughout his poetry, TS Eliot has made many comments and criticisms upon the dynamic relationship between the individual and their wider context, effectively explaining to his readership what he perceives to be the individual’s role within his contemporary society. Greatly influenced by the modernist movement, TS Eliot presents to the reader a bleak outlook upon the state of modern society, and the oppressive hold it has upon an individual’s existence through the adoption of the key themes within his poetry – modernity, isolation and meaning. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrates the pervasiveness of these ideas within Eliot’s poetry, with the ideas further established through the related poems Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon his contemporary society, and its relation to the lives of individuals, evident within his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Like many poets of the 20th Century, Eliot was greatly influenced by Modernism, a socio-philosophical movement which sought the replacement of Romantic optimism for pessimistic cynicism as a reaction to the Industrial Revolution and the horrors of the First World War. It was an effort to portray the truth about humanity during a time where humanity, according to modernists, appeared to be at its lowest point, and this is evident within Eliot’s poetry.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock presents to the reader a modern urban landscape (the typical setting for many of his poems) of “half-deserted streets” and “cheap hotels,” which serves to introduce Eliot’s perception of the modern world as a mundane ‘wasteland’ that carries through the rest of the poem. Thus, the character of Prufrock acts as a vehicle in which Eliot can represent this further, through a melancholy stream of consciousness that demonstrates his discontent with modern society. This is evident through lines such as “streets that follow like a tedious argument,” which emphasizes the infinitely repetitive and mundane nature of his world, which enables his restlessness to find any meaning or purpose within his life, leading him to his isolation and detachment. The use of enjambment further conveys the labyrinthine, never-ending spatiality of the city and evolves Prufrock’s ‘stream of consciousness’, techniques evident within many of Eliot’s other poems that convey a similar critique of modernity.
Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents a similarly bleak outlook upon what he perceives to be a decaying society. Within the poem, Eliot describes society through the metaphor “a broken spring in a factory yard, /Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left.” The spring symbolizes Eliot’s world, with the rust of modernity promoting the decay of a strong and true society. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody on a Windy Night Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon the relationship between the individual and society, through presenting it as a mundane and oppressive force. This leads many readers to, gain insight into Prufrock and other key characters within Eliot’s poem and to recognize their isolation and detachment.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Within almost all of his poems, Eliot presents to the reader an isolated individual, detached from his world. Prufrock’s inability to make decisions in fear of societal judgement – particularly from “the women [who] come and go” – leads to an inability to make connection. His intense fear of human connection stems from the fear of his own vulnerability, the paradoxical element to Prufrock, as he strives for isolation as a means of security, but thus leads him to despair. His isolation is apparent through Eliot’s effective use of imagery within the poem, whereby he creates an atmosphere of loneliness and division between Prufrock and his world. Prufrock describes himself as “a pair of ragged claws / Scuttling across the floors of silent seas,” watching “lonely me in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows.” This lonely image presents Prufrock as an even more isolated individual than the men he observes, for all he can do is quietly watch them as they continue to live their mundane lives.
Loneliness and isolation are also a key theme within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, whereby Eliot presents the isolation and loneliness of humanity within the modern world.
Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, the narrator, who Eliot also presents through a stream of consciousness, wonders the desolate streets alone at night, with only his thoughts and memories to keep him company. The isolated atmosphere is presented through the use of time as a running motif throughout the poem. Almost every stanza begins with Eliot stating a time in the early hours of the morning, the first being “twelve o’clock,” the cusp between one day and the next. The use of time effectively conveys the narrator’s isolation, as these times fall during periods when almost everyone is asleep and therefore the narrator is left alone. Along with this, the reanimation of inanimate objects, such as the the street lamp who “sputtered” and “muttered,” representing humanity’s breakdown in communication, whereby ironically the inanimate objects are the most alive figures within the poem.
Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot effectively discusses the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world, through presenting it as a barrier inhibiting true connection.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of meaning and purpose within an individuals’ relationship with their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi, particularly in regards to the spiritual journey of their narrators. The struggle to find meaning within a meaningless world is a common element within many of Eliot’s poems, particularly within The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, which features the search for meaning of a profoundly fallible human being. “Do I dare / Disturb the universe? “Throughout the poem, Prufrock ponders upon great philosophical questions pertaining to his role within his world and the wider universe, demonstrating Prufrock’s desperation to find a greater purpose for his existence. It is evident within the poem through Eliot’s inclusion of many other rhetorical questions such as “So how should I presume,” “And how should I begin?” and “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?” that Prufrock over-analyses the mundane situations of his life, causing him great anxiety as his inability to make decisions leads to his feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness. Prufrock feels as if he lacks a purpose, however is too afraid to change this. Therefore, through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, Eliot effectively explores the role of purpose within individuals lives, and how it affects their relationship with their wider context. However, Eliot does not present purpose and meaning as something unattainable, as evident through many of the religious elements of his poetry, which in the predominant theme of The Journey of the Magi.
A critical moment within Eliot’s life was his conversion to Christianity, which informed many of his ideas and frequently featured within many of his poems. The Journey of the Magi is a reflective text upon religion, and features many biblical allusions, particularly in regards to the birth of Christ. “For a journey, and such a long journey.” Despite the “long journey,” Eliot provides his readers with a finality for the search for meaning, which he perceives to be his religious epiphany and conversion to Christianity. This is evident within the final stanza, where the narrator comments upon “alien people clutching their gods,” demonstrating that after his conversion he is no longer “clutching” for a sense of purpose like those around him, but instead has found his true meaning in God. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi Eliot effectively explores the role and importance of meaning within the lives of individuals, in that it provides a sense of purpose and control against the mundanity and pressures of modern society.
Therefore, through his poems, particularly The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and the related The Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents his key themes of modernity, isolation and meaning in order to comment and critique upon the current state of modern society and the psyche of humanity. Through this, he effectively communicates his ideas and values upon the relationship between the individual and society, and thus enables his reader with a new perspective upon our role in this world.
Throughout his poetry, TS Eliot has made many comments and criticisms upon the dynamic relationship between the individual and their wider context, effectively explaining to his readership what he perceives to be the individual’s role within his contemporary society. Greatly influenced by the modernist movement, TS Eliot presents to the reader a bleak outlook upon the state of modern society, and the oppressive hold it has upon an individual’s existence through the adoption of the key themes within his poetry – modernity, isolation and meaning. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrates the pervasiveness of these ideas within Eliot’s poetry, with the ideas further established through the related poems Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon his contemporary society, and its relation to the lives of individuals, evident within his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Like many poets of the 20th Century, Eliot was greatly influenced by Modernism, a socio-philosophical movement which sought the replacement of Romantic optimism for pessimistic cynicism as a reaction to the Industrial Revolution and the horrors of the First World War. It was an effort to portray the truth about humanity during a time where humanity, according to modernists, appeared to be at its lowest point, and this is evident within Eliot’s poetry.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock presents to the reader a modern urban landscape (the typical setting for many of his poems) of “half-deserted streets” and “cheap hotels,” which serves to introduce Eliot’s perception of the modern world as a mundane ‘wasteland’ that carries through the rest of the poem. Thus, the character of Prufrock acts as a vehicle in which Eliot can represent this further, through a melancholy stream of consciousness that demonstrates his discontent with modern society. This is evident through lines such as “streets that follow like a tedious argument,” which emphasizes the infinitely repetitive and mundane nature of his world, which enables his restlessness to find any meaning or purpose within his life, leading him to his isolation and detachment. The use of enjambment further conveys the labyrinthine, never-ending spatiality of the city and evolves Prufrock’s ‘stream of consciousness’, techniques evident within many of Eliot’s other poems that convey a similar critique of modernity.
Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents a similarly bleak outlook upon what he perceives to be a decaying society. Within the poem, Eliot describes society through the metaphor “a broken spring in a factory yard, /Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left.” The spring symbolizes Eliot’s world, with the rust of modernity promoting the decay of a strong and true society. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody on a Windy Night Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon the relationship between the individual and society, through presenting it as a mundane and oppressive force. This leads many readers to, gain insight into Prufrock and other key characters within Eliot’s poem and to recognize their isolation and detachment.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Within almost all of his poems, Eliot presents to the reader an isolated individual, detached from his world. Prufrock’s inability to make decisions in fear of societal judgement – particularly from “the women [who] come and go” – leads to an inability to make connection. His intense fear of human connection stems from the fear of his own vulnerability, the paradoxical element to Prufrock, as he strives for isolation as a means of security, but thus leads him to despair. His isolation is apparent through Eliot’s effective use of imagery within the poem, whereby he creates an atmosphere of loneliness and division between Prufrock and his world. Prufrock describes himself as “a pair of ragged claws / Scuttling across the floors of silent seas,” watching “lonely me in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows.” This lonely image presents Prufrock as an even more isolated individual than the men he observes, for all he can do is quietly watch them as they continue to live their mundane lives.
Loneliness and isolation are also a key theme within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, whereby Eliot presents the isolation and loneliness of humanity within the modern world.
Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, the narrator, who Eliot also presents through a stream of consciousness, wonders the desolate streets alone at night, with only his thoughts and memories to keep him company. The isolated atmosphere is presented through the use of time as a running motif throughout the poem. Almost every stanza begins with Eliot stating a time in the early hours of the morning, the first being “twelve o’clock,” the cusp between one day and the next. The use of time effectively conveys the narrator’s isolation, as these times fall during periods when almost everyone is asleep and therefore the narrator is left alone. Along with this, the reanimation of inanimate objects, such as the the street lamp who “sputtered” and “muttered,” representing humanity’s breakdown in communication, whereby ironically the inanimate objects are the most alive figures within the poem.
Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot effectively discusses the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world, through presenting it as a barrier inhibiting true connection.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of meaning and purpose within an individuals’ relationship with their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi, particularly in regards to the spiritual journey of their narrators. The struggle to find meaning within a meaningless world is a common element within many of Eliot’s poems, particularly within The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, which features the search for meaning of a profoundly fallible human being. “Do I dare / Disturb the universe? “Throughout the poem, Prufrock ponders upon great philosophical questions pertaining to his role within his world and the wider universe, demonstrating Prufrock’s desperation to find a greater purpose for his existence. It is evident within the poem through Eliot’s inclusion of many other rhetorical questions such as “So how should I presume,” “And how should I begin?” and “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?” that Prufrock over-analyses the mundane situations of his life, causing him great anxiety as his inability to make decisions leads to his feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness. Prufrock feels as if he lacks a purpose, however is too afraid to change this. Therefore, through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, Eliot effectively explores the role of purpose within individuals lives, and how it affects their relationship with their wider context. However, Eliot does not present purpose and meaning as something unattainable, as evident through many of the religious elements of his poetry, which in the predominant theme of The Journey of the Magi.
A critical moment within Eliot’s life was his conversion to Christianity, which informed many of his ideas and frequently featured within many of his poems. The Journey of the Magi is a reflective text upon religion, and features many biblical allusions, particularly in regards to the birth of Christ. “For a journey, and such a long journey.” Despite the “long journey,” Eliot provides his readers with a finality for the search for meaning, which he perceives to be his religious epiphany and conversion to Christianity. This is evident within the final stanza, where the narrator comments upon “alien people clutching their gods,” demonstrating that after his conversion he is no longer “clutching” for a sense of purpose like those around him, but instead has found his true meaning in God. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi Eliot effectively explores the role and importance of meaning within the lives of individuals, in that it provides a sense of purpose and control against the mundanity and pressures of modern society.
Therefore, through his poems, particularly The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and the related The Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents his key themes of modernity, isolation and meaning in order to comment and critique upon the current state of modern society and the psyche of humanity. Through this, he effectively communicates his ideas and values upon the relationship between the individual and society, and thus enables his reader with a new perspective upon our role in this world.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 12:44:32 am
Hi! Here is my module B essay if you would be able to have a look at it as well :) This was my other weaker area (16/20) that I want to sort out before trials. Thank you!
(btw I actually do have 15 posts now, they just don't seem to be showing up on the side :( If you go to my profile though it should have 15 because I know I needed another five to send this essay through :) )
Hey Sudodds! Unfortunately, it goes off the number on the side there! Posts in certain parts of the site don't qualify into your "post count" for this purpose (including the Forum Games, the usual culprit) :-\ sorry about that! You only need two more though, let me know when you hit it and I'll add you to the list ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 02:07:01 am
Hello,
Could I please, please, please get some feedback on my Module A essay?
For this task, I only got 12/15 and would really like to boost my mark in this module. Please be as brutal as you can with it. Also I'm a little concerned with the length of it, if you had any thoughts on what parts to cull or make more succinct; I am open to any and all suggestions.
Thank you soo much :D
Hey Isaac! Absolutely, your essay is attached with comments in bold!
Spoiler
The inescapable power of a composer’s context becomes evident through composer’s exploration of universal issues concerning love, which shapes their perspective, language and form; inviting responders to reflect on the values within each context that influence perceptions of love. Whoa! That's a lot of info; try spacing all of those ideas through your Thesis more cleverly to give each one the right amount of attention. In this first sentence, introduce the theme of love properly and let it flow naturally into the next sentence. The complex nature of love is revealed as it cannot be singularly classified; instead contextual values influence contrasting perspectives that challenge other widely accepted contemporary expectations of love. Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) 1850s poems Sonnets from the Portuguese allows her to escape from oppressive patriarchal attitudes prevalent within the Victorian era through her ideal love. Similarly, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1955 novel The Great Gatsby criticises superficiality prominent in the Jazz Age, guiding the existential ‘lost generation’ by promoting idealised love. Great contextual links here. Both present similar perspectives that pursuing ideal love, even when condemned by contextual expectations of love and gender, catalyses actions to attain ideal love. The texts differ when exploring the ability to withstand the patriarchy and superficiality, which hinges on the procurement of ideal love. Awesome intro. I need just a little more of the comparative aspects: Question -What do we as a responder gain from a comparative study?
EBB, through the persona, reveals the complexity of love through her own spiritual perception of ideal love; contrasting to the oppressive perception of love within the Victorian era, motivating her to act to attain her ideal love. Try to start conceptual first, then introduce the text later! This sets up a focus on themes and inter-textual comparison of their exploration. Her ideal love is more intense and thus condemned by the patriarchal expectations of women, represented by the utilisation of iambic pentameter in every sonnet “Say thou dost love me, love me, love me – toll” alluding to a heartbeat, symbolising her overwhelming desire for pure love. Tad too long a sentence there, break it up. Her pursuit of ideal love contrasts the Victorian constraint on love and marriage which emphasised status and financial gain; opposing the purity EBB desires. I know its tough, but try to find some synonyms for love: Its repetition can become irksome and distracting for a marker. Through negation and accumulation within “Do not say I love her for her smile … her way of looking ... her way of speaking gently” represents her desire for a pure love that rejects love as shallow and superficial. In her pursuit, EBB is forced to caution love that does not meet her expectations, contrasting Victorian attitudes of women as submissive and obedient towards love, exemplified through celestial imagery and juxtaposition, conveying her attitude of impermanence “Sun rose on thine oath to love me, I looked to the moon.” Good contextual link there. EBB adopts her contexts emerging empirical search for truth, thus challenging uneducated stereotypes of women through her intelligent and wary empirical quest. EBB challenges Victorian perspectives of love to obtain a pure love that meets her expectations exposing her desire to challenge the historical and cultural values of women and love contradicting hers, thus revealing the complexity of love. A solid paragraph, good techniques, but I do think you are leaning a little into the retell side of the spectrum, be careful, and further, I'm looking for a greater emphasis on what we as responders gain from studying this text!
EBB reveals the complex nature of love as she is able to defy restrictive patriarchal values of love that condemn her pursuit, only when ideal love is attained. That concept doesn't quite click with me. 't sonnet XLII, she declares her love for Robert, the intended audience of her poetry, through the repetition of “I love thee” juxtaposing the cautious tone present in every other sonnet, indicating her procurement of her ideal love. Retell. Attaining pure love enables EBB to break free from female stereotypes, exemplified by “hold the torch out where the winds are rough,” utilising tactile imagery to metaphorically capture EBB’s ability to promote her views on gender equality in her patriarchal context, where one women were married, money and power went to their husband whilst EBB remains independent; illustrating complex, contradictory perspectives of love. Sentence too long there, break it up a little, and again step away from the text a little bit! What meaning does the audience garner? Rigid structures on love influence EBB’s chosen form of the Petrarchan sonnet which followed specific rhyme and meter, representing strict Victorian views of love. However, EBB’s manipulation of the structure evident in her unconventional Volta placement in such as “but there, the silver answer rang” in line 13, symbolises her ability to challenge expectations of love and the submissive women when her ideal love is attained. Her ability to withstand gender stereotypes is reinforced as she metaphorically “slackens all those bonds” in sonnet XXXII, reflecting her transcendence of her personal context, ignoring her fathers wishes not to marry due to her disabilities; instead pursuing her spiritual love by marrying a younger man at age 40, older than the average 18-year-old. Retell. EBB exposes the complex nature of love by proving that only by attaining ideal love can she withstand the societal expectations of women by promoting gender equality; and also overcoming personal contextual disadvantage. Try to make these conclusions more universally relevant: What new interpretations has the audience observed? What new understandings do we hold?
Like EBB’s desire for her condemned, ideal love and its subsequent motivational power; F. Scott Fitzgerald also conveys the complexity of multiple perceptions of ideal love by condemning the hedonistic contextual values which contrast Gatsby’s ideal love. Fitzgerald’s repetition of hyperbolised parties centred on wealth and self-indulgence indicate the values of Fitzgerald’s context; exposed in the simile “men and girls came like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars." This is good analysis here, but I'd still love to see some connection to audience! Juxtaposition of cacophonic and euphoric imagery allows Fitzgerald to criticise the immorality of superficial satisfaction from wealth as it causes apathy to repercussions, following America’s success in WWI. Good contextual link. Just like EBB’s desire for pure love, Gatsby’s longing for ideal love was uncommon during the 1920’s where hedonistic attitudes reduced the sanctity of marriage as exemplified by Tom and Daisy’s separate infidelity. Don't use aspects of the text to prove your points, techniques only! Materialistic attitudes force Gatsby to become obsessed with attaining such love, even if impossible. Retell. Biblical allusions accentuate his desire especially when it goes against hedonistic societal norms “He had committed himself to following the Holy Grail” demonstrates his willingness to act in pursuit of his ideal love even if unattainable as his ideal love is represented by Daisy who is corrupt by superficiality and will not fit his ideal love. Retell. Thus Fitzgerald harshly critiques the superficial hedonism of the roaring 20s revealing the complexity of love as it challenges his and Gatsby’s ideal love, just as EBB’s context challenged hers. This quick comparison between the two texts is not enough for the comparative module, you needed to have been drawing these links throughout your paragraphs!.
Unlike EBB’s attainment of pure love, enabling her to withstand patriarchal Victorian values; Fitzgerald conveys the complexity of love in that it is the only platform with which we can withstand contextual values, if not attained, we succumb to superficial values that surround us. Interesting concept here, I like. Fitzgerald’s condemnation of hedonistic values is revealed as Gatsby is unable to procure his ideal love due to Daisy, who Gatsby believes embodies his ideal love, already being consumed by materialism. Retell. The high modal hyperbole present within “Daisy tumbled short of his dreams … because of the colossal vitality of his illusion”portraying the complexity of love as it foreshadows his failure at gaining ideal love. accentuates the complexity of love to a contemporary audience. - That is what I mean by audience link! His inability to attain his ideal love is reinforced through his objectification of Daisy within “his count of enchanted objects had diminished by one” conveying the impossibility of obtaining his ideal love, revealed through the whimsical and fanciful tone; also exposing his superficiality as his ideal love is reduced into a materialistic “object.” Again, slipping into retell a little, remember the characters are puppet for Fitzgerald to convey ideas! Analysing THEIR actions is fruitless, it should be a composer focused affair. Gatsby’s inability to withstand hedonistic attitudes in the rebellion against alcohol prohibition influences the form of the novel as Fitzgerald’s use of characterisation reveals how Gatsby becomes consumed by these hedonistic attitudes due to not attaining ideal love. Contrasting EBB, who declares her independence and challenges patriarchal constraints because she acquires her ideal love. Fitzgerald’s condemnation of hedonistic values is represented by Gatsby, who in his inability to attain his ideal love, becomes consumed by immoral attitudes thus revealing the complexity of love.
Thus the complexity of love is revealed as it is unique and so powerful, that allows for the withstanding of contextual values. A composers’ desire to challenge the attitudes they consider immoral such as the patriarchy and materialism, affect their perspective of love. Exemplified by disparate texts such as Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnets from the Portuguese and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, sharing the perspective that ideal love motivates acts to attain it, going against gender and superficial values. However, only through attaining ideal love is EBB able to withstand gender constructs confining her; conversely Fitzgerald’s protagonist continually succumbs to immoral hedonistic values. Slight retell shifted, but this is a solid conclusion on the whole.
EBB, through the persona, reveals the complexity of love through her own spiritual perception of ideal love; contrasting to the oppressive perception of love within the Victorian era, motivating her to act to attain her ideal love. Try to start conceptual first, then introduce the text later! This sets up a focus on themes and inter-textual comparison of their exploration. Her ideal love is more intense and thus condemned by the patriarchal expectations of women, represented by the utilisation of iambic pentameter in every sonnet “Say thou dost love me, love me, love me – toll” alluding to a heartbeat, symbolising her overwhelming desire for pure love. Tad too long a sentence there, break it up. Her pursuit of ideal love contrasts the Victorian constraint on love and marriage which emphasised status and financial gain; opposing the purity EBB desires. I know its tough, but try to find some synonyms for love: Its repetition can become irksome and distracting for a marker. Through negation and accumulation within “Do not say I love her for her smile … her way of looking ... her way of speaking gently” represents her desire for a pure love that rejects love as shallow and superficial. In her pursuit, EBB is forced to caution love that does not meet her expectations, contrasting Victorian attitudes of women as submissive and obedient towards love, exemplified through celestial imagery and juxtaposition, conveying her attitude of impermanence “Sun rose on thine oath to love me, I looked to the moon.” Good contextual link there. EBB adopts her contexts emerging empirical search for truth, thus challenging uneducated stereotypes of women through her intelligent and wary empirical quest. EBB challenges Victorian perspectives of love to obtain a pure love that meets her expectations exposing her desire to challenge the historical and cultural values of women and love contradicting hers, thus revealing the complexity of love. A solid paragraph, good techniques, but I do think you are leaning a little into the retell side of the spectrum, be careful, and further, I'm looking for a greater emphasis on what we as responders gain from studying this text!
EBB reveals the complex nature of love as she is able to defy restrictive patriarchal values of love that condemn her pursuit, only when ideal love is attained. That concept doesn't quite click with me. 't sonnet XLII, she declares her love for Robert, the intended audience of her poetry, through the repetition of “I love thee” juxtaposing the cautious tone present in every other sonnet, indicating her procurement of her ideal love. Retell. Attaining pure love enables EBB to break free from female stereotypes, exemplified by “hold the torch out where the winds are rough,” utilising tactile imagery to metaphorically capture EBB’s ability to promote her views on gender equality in her patriarchal context, where one women were married, money and power went to their husband whilst EBB remains independent; illustrating complex, contradictory perspectives of love. Sentence too long there, break it up a little, and again step away from the text a little bit! What meaning does the audience garner? Rigid structures on love influence EBB’s chosen form of the Petrarchan sonnet which followed specific rhyme and meter, representing strict Victorian views of love. However, EBB’s manipulation of the structure evident in her unconventional Volta placement in such as “but there, the silver answer rang” in line 13, symbolises her ability to challenge expectations of love and the submissive women when her ideal love is attained. Her ability to withstand gender stereotypes is reinforced as she metaphorically “slackens all those bonds” in sonnet XXXII, reflecting her transcendence of her personal context, ignoring her fathers wishes not to marry due to her disabilities; instead pursuing her spiritual love by marrying a younger man at age 40, older than the average 18-year-old. Retell. EBB exposes the complex nature of love by proving that only by attaining ideal love can she withstand the societal expectations of women by promoting gender equality; and also overcoming personal contextual disadvantage. Try to make these conclusions more universally relevant: What new interpretations has the audience observed? What new understandings do we hold?
Like EBB’s desire for her condemned, ideal love and its subsequent motivational power; F. Scott Fitzgerald also conveys the complexity of multiple perceptions of ideal love by condemning the hedonistic contextual values which contrast Gatsby’s ideal love. Fitzgerald’s repetition of hyperbolised parties centred on wealth and self-indulgence indicate the values of Fitzgerald’s context; exposed in the simile “men and girls came like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars." This is good analysis here, but I'd still love to see some connection to audience! Juxtaposition of cacophonic and euphoric imagery allows Fitzgerald to criticise the immorality of superficial satisfaction from wealth as it causes apathy to repercussions, following America’s success in WWI. Good contextual link. Just like EBB’s desire for pure love, Gatsby’s longing for ideal love was uncommon during the 1920’s where hedonistic attitudes reduced the sanctity of marriage as exemplified by Tom and Daisy’s separate infidelity. Don't use aspects of the text to prove your points, techniques only! Materialistic attitudes force Gatsby to become obsessed with attaining such love, even if impossible. Retell. Biblical allusions accentuate his desire especially when it goes against hedonistic societal norms “He had committed himself to following the Holy Grail” demonstrates his willingness to act in pursuit of his ideal love even if unattainable as his ideal love is represented by Daisy who is corrupt by superficiality and will not fit his ideal love. Retell. Thus Fitzgerald harshly critiques the superficial hedonism of the roaring 20s revealing the complexity of love as it challenges his and Gatsby’s ideal love, just as EBB’s context challenged hers. This quick comparison between the two texts is not enough for the comparative module, you needed to have been drawing these links throughout your paragraphs!.
Unlike EBB’s attainment of pure love, enabling her to withstand patriarchal Victorian values; Fitzgerald conveys the complexity of love in that it is the only platform with which we can withstand contextual values, if not attained, we succumb to superficial values that surround us. Interesting concept here, I like. Fitzgerald’s condemnation of hedonistic values is revealed as Gatsby is unable to procure his ideal love due to Daisy, who Gatsby believes embodies his ideal love, already being consumed by materialism. Retell. The high modal hyperbole present within “Daisy tumbled short of his dreams … because of the colossal vitality of his illusion”
Thus the complexity of love is revealed as it is unique and so powerful, that allows for the withstanding of contextual values. A composers’ desire to challenge the attitudes they consider immoral such as the patriarchy and materialism, affect their perspective of love. Exemplified by disparate texts such as Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnets from the Portuguese and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, sharing the perspective that ideal love motivates acts to attain it, going against gender and superficial values. However, only through attaining ideal love is EBB able to withstand gender constructs confining her; conversely Fitzgerald’s protagonist continually succumbs to immoral hedonistic values. Slight retell shifted, but this is a solid conclusion on the whole.
Great essay Isaac! There is some concepts in here I've never seen before, very unique, I like it!!
I'm going to start with the easiest fix: You need synonyms for love. The word appears in your essay 74 times out of just over 1200, that is a tad excessive even for the main theme of your essay. Replace with intimacy, relationships, connections, branch out a little! By re-using the word too often, you end up repeating ideas or very similar versions of ideas, and the marker has to work harder to filter through the word that keeps appearing ;D
Okay, so now some more substantial stuff. Techniques on the whole are quite effective, and I think once you play around with expression your explanation of ideas will be better too. What is lacking is your audience link. Remember, these texts were composed for an audience, and now we are the universal audience interpreting it; what insights do we gain? Importantly, these are NOT text based, like, I don't care about the characters. I care about what the techniques show me about the themes, and that's it. No plot, no characters, nothing else ;D
You also rely a little too heavily on retell (giving me parts of the text and using it to prove a point). The text itself is not your evidence here; the techniques and quotes from the composer are your focus. It shouldn't be about the characters, it should be your composer mentioned far more frequently.
And finally, comparative study. I'm not getting comparison between these texts. The idea of this module is to explore how the same ideas are explored by texts in different contexts, and compare and contrast these texts and their construction, language, etc. TO do this, try to draw quick and simple links to the other text in your body paragraphs. You may also consider an integrated response, an example of which can be found at the essay I am linking you to right now ;D
This is a Module A 20/20 CSSA Trial response written under exam conditions (my own). It exemplifies how you can structure an integrand response, as well as gives examples of audience focused, conceptual analysis. It might be worth a read!
I hope this feedback helps, and please let me know if you have any questions! ;D
Post by: sudodds on July 26, 2016, 08:30:26 am
Hey Sudodds! Unfortunately, it goes off the number on the side there! Posts in certain parts of the site don't qualify into your "post count" for this purpose (including the Forum Games, the usual culprit) :-\ sorry about that! You only need two more though, let me know when you hit it and I'll add you to the list ;D
ah k :) Will do!
Post by: sudodds on July 26, 2016, 10:11:44 am
Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of Eliot’s exploration of the relationship between individuals and their world within his poetry. In your response discuss ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” and TWO other poems set for study.
Throughout his poetry, TS Eliot has made many comments and criticisms upon the dynamic relationship between the individual and their wider context, effectively explaining to his readership what he perceives to be the individual’s role within his contemporary society. Greatly influenced by the modernist movement, TS Eliot presents to the reader a bleak outlook upon the state of modern society, and the oppressive hold it has upon an individual’s existence through the adoption of the key themes within his poetry – modernity, isolation and meaning. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrates the pervasiveness of these ideas within Eliot’s poetry, with the ideas further established through the related poems Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon his contemporary society, and its relation to the lives of individuals, evident within his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Like many poets of the 20th Century, Eliot was greatly influenced by Modernism, a socio-philosophical movement which sought the replacement of Romantic optimism for pessimistic cynicism as a reaction to the Industrial Revolution and the horrors of the First World War. It was an effort to portray the truth about humanity during a time where humanity, according to modernists, appeared to be at its lowest point, and this is evident within Eliot’s poetry.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock presents to the reader a modern urban landscape (the typical setting for many of his poems) of “half-deserted streets” and “cheap hotels,” which serves to introduce Eliot’s perception of the modern world as a mundane ‘wasteland’ that carries through the rest of the poem. Thus, the character of Prufrock acts as a vehicle in which Eliot can represent this further, through a melancholy stream of consciousness that demonstrates his discontent with modern society. This is evident through lines such as “streets that follow like a tedious argument,” which emphasizes the infinitely repetitive and mundane nature of his world, which enables his restlessness to find any meaning or purpose within his life, leading him to his isolation and detachment. The use of enjambment further conveys the labyrinthine, never-ending spatiality of the city and evolves Prufrock’s ‘stream of consciousness’, techniques evident within many of Eliot’s other poems that convey a similar critique of modernity.
Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents a similarly bleak outlook upon what he perceives to be a decaying society. Within the poem, Eliot describes society through the metaphor “a broken spring in a factory yard, /Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left.” The spring symbolizes Eliot’s world, with the rust of modernity promoting the decay of a strong and true society. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody on a Windy Night Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon the relationship between the individual and society, through presenting it as a mundane and oppressive force. This leads many readers to, gain insight into Prufrock and other key characters within Eliot’s poem and to recognize their isolation and detachment.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Within almost all of his poems, Eliot presents to the reader an isolated individual, detached from his world. Prufrock’s inability to make decisions in fear of societal judgement – particularly from “the women [who] come and go” – leads to an inability to make connection. His intense fear of human connection stems from the fear of his own vulnerability, the paradoxical element to Prufrock, as he strives for isolation as a means of security, but thus leads him to despair. His isolation is apparent through Eliot’s effective use of imagery within the poem, whereby he creates an atmosphere of loneliness and division between Prufrock and his world. Prufrock describes himself as “a pair of ragged claws / Scuttling across the floors of silent seas,” watching “lonely me in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows.” This lonely image presents Prufrock as an even more isolated individual than the men he observes, for all he can do is quietly watch them as they continue to live their mundane lives.
Loneliness and isolation are also a key theme within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, whereby Eliot presents the isolation and loneliness of humanity within the modern world.
Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, the narrator, who Eliot also presents through a stream of consciousness, wonders the desolate streets alone at night, with only his thoughts and memories to keep him company. The isolated atmosphere is presented through the use of time as a running motif throughout the poem. Almost every stanza begins with Eliot stating a time in the early hours of the morning, the first being “twelve o’clock,” the cusp between one day and the next. The use of time effectively conveys the narrator’s isolation, as these times fall during periods when almost everyone is asleep and therefore the narrator is left alone. Along with this, the reanimation of inanimate objects, such as the the street lamp who “sputtered” and “muttered,” representing humanity’s breakdown in communication, whereby ironically the inanimate objects are the most alive figures within the poem.
Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot effectively discusses the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world, through presenting it as a barrier inhibiting true connection.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of meaning and purpose within an individuals’ relationship with their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi, particularly in regards to the spiritual journey of their narrators. The struggle to find meaning within a meaningless world is a common element within many of Eliot’s poems, particularly within The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, which features the search for meaning of a profoundly fallible human being. “Do I dare / Disturb the universe? “Throughout the poem, Prufrock ponders upon great philosophical questions pertaining to his role within his world and the wider universe, demonstrating Prufrock’s desperation to find a greater purpose for his existence. It is evident within the poem through Eliot’s inclusion of many other rhetorical questions such as “So how should I presume,” “And how should I begin?” and “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?” that Prufrock over-analyses the mundane situations of his life, causing him great anxiety as his inability to make decisions leads to his feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness. Prufrock feels as if he lacks a purpose, however is too afraid to change this. Therefore, through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, Eliot effectively explores the role of purpose within individuals lives, and how it affects their relationship with their wider context. However, Eliot does not present purpose and meaning as something unattainable, as evident through many of the religious elements of his poetry, which in the predominant theme of The Journey of the Magi.
A critical moment within Eliot’s life was his conversion to Christianity, which informed many of his ideas and frequently featured within many of his poems. The Journey of the Magi is a reflective text upon religion, and features many biblical allusions, particularly in regards to the birth of Christ. “For a journey, and such a long journey.” Despite the “long journey,” Eliot provides his readers with a finality for the search for meaning, which he perceives to be his religious epiphany and conversion to Christianity. This is evident within the final stanza, where the narrator comments upon “alien people clutching their gods,” demonstrating that after his conversion he is no longer “clutching” for a sense of purpose like those around him, but instead has found his true meaning in God. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi Eliot effectively explores the role and importance of meaning within the lives of individuals, in that it provides a sense of purpose and control against the mundanity and pressures of modern society.
Therefore, through his poems, particularly The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and the related The Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents his key themes of modernity, isolation and meaning in order to comment and critique upon the current state of modern society and the psyche of humanity. Through this, he effectively communicates his ideas and values upon the relationship between the individual and society, and thus enables his reader with a new perspective upon our role in this world.
Throughout his poetry, TS Eliot has made many comments and criticisms upon the dynamic relationship between the individual and their wider context, effectively explaining to his readership what he perceives to be the individual’s role within his contemporary society. Greatly influenced by the modernist movement, TS Eliot presents to the reader a bleak outlook upon the state of modern society, and the oppressive hold it has upon an individual’s existence through the adoption of the key themes within his poetry – modernity, isolation and meaning. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrates the pervasiveness of these ideas within Eliot’s poetry, with the ideas further established through the related poems Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon his contemporary society, and its relation to the lives of individuals, evident within his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Like many poets of the 20th Century, Eliot was greatly influenced by Modernism, a socio-philosophical movement which sought the replacement of Romantic optimism for pessimistic cynicism as a reaction to the Industrial Revolution and the horrors of the First World War. It was an effort to portray the truth about humanity during a time where humanity, according to modernists, appeared to be at its lowest point, and this is evident within Eliot’s poetry.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock presents to the reader a modern urban landscape (the typical setting for many of his poems) of “half-deserted streets” and “cheap hotels,” which serves to introduce Eliot’s perception of the modern world as a mundane ‘wasteland’ that carries through the rest of the poem. Thus, the character of Prufrock acts as a vehicle in which Eliot can represent this further, through a melancholy stream of consciousness that demonstrates his discontent with modern society. This is evident through lines such as “streets that follow like a tedious argument,” which emphasizes the infinitely repetitive and mundane nature of his world, which enables his restlessness to find any meaning or purpose within his life, leading him to his isolation and detachment. The use of enjambment further conveys the labyrinthine, never-ending spatiality of the city and evolves Prufrock’s ‘stream of consciousness’, techniques evident within many of Eliot’s other poems that convey a similar critique of modernity.
Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents a similarly bleak outlook upon what he perceives to be a decaying society. Within the poem, Eliot describes society through the metaphor “a broken spring in a factory yard, /Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left.” The spring symbolizes Eliot’s world, with the rust of modernity promoting the decay of a strong and true society. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody on a Windy Night Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon the relationship between the individual and society, through presenting it as a mundane and oppressive force. This leads many readers to, gain insight into Prufrock and other key characters within Eliot’s poem and to recognize their isolation and detachment.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Within almost all of his poems, Eliot presents to the reader an isolated individual, detached from his world. Prufrock’s inability to make decisions in fear of societal judgement – particularly from “the women [who] come and go” – leads to an inability to make connection. His intense fear of human connection stems from the fear of his own vulnerability, the paradoxical element to Prufrock, as he strives for isolation as a means of security, but thus leads him to despair. His isolation is apparent through Eliot’s effective use of imagery within the poem, whereby he creates an atmosphere of loneliness and division between Prufrock and his world. Prufrock describes himself as “a pair of ragged claws / Scuttling across the floors of silent seas,” watching “lonely me in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows.” This lonely image presents Prufrock as an even more isolated individual than the men he observes, for all he can do is quietly watch them as they continue to live their mundane lives.
Loneliness and isolation are also a key theme within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, whereby Eliot presents the isolation and loneliness of humanity within the modern world.
Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, the narrator, who Eliot also presents through a stream of consciousness, wonders the desolate streets alone at night, with only his thoughts and memories to keep him company. The isolated atmosphere is presented through the use of time as a running motif throughout the poem. Almost every stanza begins with Eliot stating a time in the early hours of the morning, the first being “twelve o’clock,” the cusp between one day and the next. The use of time effectively conveys the narrator’s isolation, as these times fall during periods when almost everyone is asleep and therefore the narrator is left alone. Along with this, the reanimation of inanimate objects, such as the the street lamp who “sputtered” and “muttered,” representing humanity’s breakdown in communication, whereby ironically the inanimate objects are the most alive figures within the poem.
Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot effectively discusses the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world, through presenting it as a barrier inhibiting true connection.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of meaning and purpose within an individuals’ relationship with their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi, particularly in regards to the spiritual journey of their narrators. The struggle to find meaning within a meaningless world is a common element within many of Eliot’s poems, particularly within The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, which features the search for meaning of a profoundly fallible human being. “Do I dare / Disturb the universe? “Throughout the poem, Prufrock ponders upon great philosophical questions pertaining to his role within his world and the wider universe, demonstrating Prufrock’s desperation to find a greater purpose for his existence. It is evident within the poem through Eliot’s inclusion of many other rhetorical questions such as “So how should I presume,” “And how should I begin?” and “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?” that Prufrock over-analyses the mundane situations of his life, causing him great anxiety as his inability to make decisions leads to his feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness. Prufrock feels as if he lacks a purpose, however is too afraid to change this. Therefore, through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, Eliot effectively explores the role of purpose within individuals lives, and how it affects their relationship with their wider context. However, Eliot does not present purpose and meaning as something unattainable, as evident through many of the religious elements of his poetry, which in the predominant theme of The Journey of the Magi.
A critical moment within Eliot’s life was his conversion to Christianity, which informed many of his ideas and frequently featured within many of his poems. The Journey of the Magi is a reflective text upon religion, and features many biblical allusions, particularly in regards to the birth of Christ. “For a journey, and such a long journey.” Despite the “long journey,” Eliot provides his readers with a finality for the search for meaning, which he perceives to be his religious epiphany and conversion to Christianity. This is evident within the final stanza, where the narrator comments upon “alien people clutching their gods,” demonstrating that after his conversion he is no longer “clutching” for a sense of purpose like those around him, but instead has found his true meaning in God. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi Eliot effectively explores the role and importance of meaning within the lives of individuals, in that it provides a sense of purpose and control against the mundanity and pressures of modern society.
Therefore, through his poems, particularly The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and the related The Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents his key themes of modernity, isolation and meaning in order to comment and critique upon the current state of modern society and the psyche of humanity. Through this, he effectively communicates his ideas and values upon the relationship between the individual and society, and thus enables his reader with a new perspective upon our role in this world.
Post by: Spencerr on July 26, 2016, 10:49:13 am
I know you just marked by disc. essay but I this will be the last essay I'll post up for marking until after trials (in 5 days!!). Once again any feedback will be excellent and I wrote this a term ago, so there might be similar issues as the one in my disc.
Thanks so much :))
Spoiler
Significant texts transcend contextual barriers through their multifaceted treatment of enduring thematic concerns. Orson Welles’ metaphysical detective story Citizen Kane(1941) illustrates the centrality of materialistic ambition and power in distorting an individual’s sense of self, undermining their ability to maintain meaningful relationships and impeding their pursuit of happiness. Through his use of avant-garde cinematography, involving his manipulation of language, construction and content, and treatment of universal human concerns Welles formidably propounds the memorability and relativity of Citizen Kane for Citizen Kane is the “the greatest movie of all Time” – Roger Ebert .
In Citizen Kane, Welles didactically explores how unrestrained ambition catalyses moral degradation and underpins the distortion of an individual’s sense of self. Kane’s exclusive pursuit of power at the expense of morality reflects the widespread use of yellow journalism by media mogul William Randolph Hearst, who perpetrated the misrepresentation of truth for media sensationalism. Initially, Kane’s self-confessed characterisation as a “tireless and fighting champion” for the “underprivileged” establishes his altruistic and benevolent ideals, epitomised by the “Declaration of Principles” in which he definitively asserts that “no special interests are going to allowed to interfere with the truth!”. However, Welles use of dramatic chiaroscuro lighting, as Kane moves from light into partial darkness to sign the Declaration of Principles, foreshadows his eventual ethical degeneration. Kane’s hubristic ambition for power conveyed by his monomaniac pursuit of “circulation” precipitates his hypocritical descent into “yellow journalism”, as illustrated by his assertion that “If the headline is big enough, the news is big enough”. Kane’s self-aggrandisement, the antithesis of his former altruistic ideals, climaxes in the low angle shot of Kane shredding his Declaration of Principles, an act dually symbolic for Kane’s moral dichotomy and thus, the disintegration of his identity. Through the faux newsreel montage “News on the March” revealing Kane’s paradoxical characterisation as a “communist”, a “fascist” and an “American” in combination with the dialectic between a multiplicity of flashback perspectives, Welles’ further emphasises the fragmentation of Kane’s identity engendered by his ambition for a larger-than-life persona, rendering “Kane... a simulacrum, a chaos of appearances” (Borges)(1941). Aligning with the jigsaw motif, Rosebud, a synecdoche for Kane’s innocence and moral purity, untainted by the corrupting influence of ambition, thus, becomes the metaphoric “missing piece” in the “jigsaw puzzle” of Kane’s identity. Hence, Citizen Kane illuminates the potential for overriding ambition to engender moral vacuity and destabilise an individual’s sense of self.
By exploring the flawed human desire for excessive control and power, Citizen Kane explicates how an individual’s capacity to maintain meaningful relationships is undermined by egotistical ideals. Mary Kane’s decision to relinquish guardianship of Kane over to “the banker”, Thatcher, violating her maternal duties for financial prosperity, embodies the distorted American Dream of the 1940’s which fostered the pursuance of power and success at the expense of traditional relationships. Internalising his deprivation of maternal love, Kane emerges as a self-centred man who “didn’t believe in anything but Charlie Kane”. However Kane’s egocentrism actuates the inherent instability within his relationships, with the breakfast montage depicting the disintegration of Kane’s first marriage with Emily. Welles’ use of increasing proxemic ranges, showcased through whip pans, conveys their widening emotional gulf, engendered by Kane’s prioritisation of “The Inquirer”, his channel of self-aggrandisement. Thus, Emily laments “sometimes I think I’d prefer a rival of flesh and blood”, exemplifying how Kane’s egocentric pursuits have impaired their relationship. To further satiate his egomaniacal desires, Kane forces Susan, his second wife, to pursue an undesired career as an opera singer. A high angle shot of Susan shrouded in Kane’s elongated shadow as he commands in a forceful tone “You will continue with you singing!”, accentuated by Susan’s retrospective remonstrations “I didn’t want any of it” , reveals how Susan is merely a vehicle through which Kane exercises power to gratify his vanity. Whilst Kane initially “married for love”, Leland captures the infused tension within Kane’s relationships, as he notions Kane ironically “wanted love on [his] own terms”. Ultimately, when Susan leaves Kane, Welles’ use of mise-en-abyme to frame Kane within “echer” style windows, with mirror images of Kane reflected ad infinitum, visually manifests Kane’s narcissistic regression into emotional isolation, “having made his own complete and ruinous investment in himself” (Peter Bradshaw 2015). Thus, in Citizen Kane, Welles propounds how egocentrism compromises an individual’s capacity to sustain meaningful relationships.
Moreover, In Citizen Kane, Welles criticises materialistic gratification for undermining the pursuit of authentic emotional fulfilment. Welles’ concern stems from the “acquisitive society” (Orson Welles 1941) of 1940’s Post Great Depression America, where the dissolute pursuit of transient pleasures eclipsed inner contentment. From the outset, the extreme long shot of Kane’s extravagant mansion, “Xanadu”, a dominating presence in the background, prefigures Kane’s extensive preoccupation with material affluence. However, Welles’ use of shadowy German Expressionist lighting in tandem with an ominous music score conveys the absence of felicity in Kane’s oxymoronic “decaying pleasure palace”. Xanadu’s grandeur is antithetically contrasted to the simplistic interior of a snow globe, a microcosmic depiction of Kane’s blissful childhood in “Little Salem”, to reveal his innate desire for a bygone period of emotional fulfilment. In an attempt to ameliorate the emotional void of his material construct, Kane marries Susan whose possession of the snow globe, depicted by a close up shot of her desk, establishes her as the manifestation of his youthful happiness. However, Kane’s pursuit to attain this happiness through an emotional connection with Susan is inevitably distorted by his materialistic ideals. Susan’s indignant accusation during the picnic scene, “You just tried to buy me into giving you something!”, is ironically punctuated by diegetic music “it can’t be love”, to expose Kane’s perverse commodification of emotional fulfilment. Thus, Welles foregrounds Kane’s inability to reconcile the dichotomy between his materialistic inclinations and genuine happiness, amplifying the dramatic irony of Kane’s self-reflective confession “I always gagged on the silver spoon”, with the “silver spoon” connoting wealth and privilege. In the final scene, a sweeping aerial shot over Xanadu’s “loot of the world”, juxtaposed with a closeup shot of “Rosebud”, symbolic for the happiness of Kane’s childhood, buried amidst the “junk”, demonstrates the inherent paradox of Kane’s machinations, forsaking emotional fulfilment and “humanity…in an endless acquisition of material gimmicks” (Alan Stanbrook 1941). Thus, Citizen Kane decries how materialistic obsession ultimately renders an individual’s pursuit of happiness futile.
Welle’s Citizen Kane engrossingly foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into Kane’s identity, relationships and pursuit of happiness. Depicting the plight of a man who had “everything he wanted and then lost it”, Citizen Kane poses a cautionary tale against the inhuman extravagance that Kane embodies. It is this didactism, in conjunction with Welles’ revolutionary cinematography which imbues Citizen Kane with an enduring relevance across audiences immemorial.
In Citizen Kane, Welles didactically explores how unrestrained ambition catalyses moral degradation and underpins the distortion of an individual’s sense of self. Kane’s exclusive pursuit of power at the expense of morality reflects the widespread use of yellow journalism by media mogul William Randolph Hearst, who perpetrated the misrepresentation of truth for media sensationalism. Initially, Kane’s self-confessed characterisation as a “tireless and fighting champion” for the “underprivileged” establishes his altruistic and benevolent ideals, epitomised by the “Declaration of Principles” in which he definitively asserts that “no special interests are going to allowed to interfere with the truth!”. However, Welles use of dramatic chiaroscuro lighting, as Kane moves from light into partial darkness to sign the Declaration of Principles, foreshadows his eventual ethical degeneration. Kane’s hubristic ambition for power conveyed by his monomaniac pursuit of “circulation” precipitates his hypocritical descent into “yellow journalism”, as illustrated by his assertion that “If the headline is big enough, the news is big enough”. Kane’s self-aggrandisement, the antithesis of his former altruistic ideals, climaxes in the low angle shot of Kane shredding his Declaration of Principles, an act dually symbolic for Kane’s moral dichotomy and thus, the disintegration of his identity. Through the faux newsreel montage “News on the March” revealing Kane’s paradoxical characterisation as a “communist”, a “fascist” and an “American” in combination with the dialectic between a multiplicity of flashback perspectives, Welles’ further emphasises the fragmentation of Kane’s identity engendered by his ambition for a larger-than-life persona, rendering “Kane... a simulacrum, a chaos of appearances” (Borges)(1941). Aligning with the jigsaw motif, Rosebud, a synecdoche for Kane’s innocence and moral purity, untainted by the corrupting influence of ambition, thus, becomes the metaphoric “missing piece” in the “jigsaw puzzle” of Kane’s identity. Hence, Citizen Kane illuminates the potential for overriding ambition to engender moral vacuity and destabilise an individual’s sense of self.
By exploring the flawed human desire for excessive control and power, Citizen Kane explicates how an individual’s capacity to maintain meaningful relationships is undermined by egotistical ideals. Mary Kane’s decision to relinquish guardianship of Kane over to “the banker”, Thatcher, violating her maternal duties for financial prosperity, embodies the distorted American Dream of the 1940’s which fostered the pursuance of power and success at the expense of traditional relationships. Internalising his deprivation of maternal love, Kane emerges as a self-centred man who “didn’t believe in anything but Charlie Kane”. However Kane’s egocentrism actuates the inherent instability within his relationships, with the breakfast montage depicting the disintegration of Kane’s first marriage with Emily. Welles’ use of increasing proxemic ranges, showcased through whip pans, conveys their widening emotional gulf, engendered by Kane’s prioritisation of “The Inquirer”, his channel of self-aggrandisement. Thus, Emily laments “sometimes I think I’d prefer a rival of flesh and blood”, exemplifying how Kane’s egocentric pursuits have impaired their relationship. To further satiate his egomaniacal desires, Kane forces Susan, his second wife, to pursue an undesired career as an opera singer. A high angle shot of Susan shrouded in Kane’s elongated shadow as he commands in a forceful tone “You will continue with you singing!”, accentuated by Susan’s retrospective remonstrations “I didn’t want any of it” , reveals how Susan is merely a vehicle through which Kane exercises power to gratify his vanity. Whilst Kane initially “married for love”, Leland captures the infused tension within Kane’s relationships, as he notions Kane ironically “wanted love on [his] own terms”. Ultimately, when Susan leaves Kane, Welles’ use of mise-en-abyme to frame Kane within “echer” style windows, with mirror images of Kane reflected ad infinitum, visually manifests Kane’s narcissistic regression into emotional isolation, “having made his own complete and ruinous investment in himself” (Peter Bradshaw 2015). Thus, in Citizen Kane, Welles propounds how egocentrism compromises an individual’s capacity to sustain meaningful relationships.
Moreover, In Citizen Kane, Welles criticises materialistic gratification for undermining the pursuit of authentic emotional fulfilment. Welles’ concern stems from the “acquisitive society” (Orson Welles 1941) of 1940’s Post Great Depression America, where the dissolute pursuit of transient pleasures eclipsed inner contentment. From the outset, the extreme long shot of Kane’s extravagant mansion, “Xanadu”, a dominating presence in the background, prefigures Kane’s extensive preoccupation with material affluence. However, Welles’ use of shadowy German Expressionist lighting in tandem with an ominous music score conveys the absence of felicity in Kane’s oxymoronic “decaying pleasure palace”. Xanadu’s grandeur is antithetically contrasted to the simplistic interior of a snow globe, a microcosmic depiction of Kane’s blissful childhood in “Little Salem”, to reveal his innate desire for a bygone period of emotional fulfilment. In an attempt to ameliorate the emotional void of his material construct, Kane marries Susan whose possession of the snow globe, depicted by a close up shot of her desk, establishes her as the manifestation of his youthful happiness. However, Kane’s pursuit to attain this happiness through an emotional connection with Susan is inevitably distorted by his materialistic ideals. Susan’s indignant accusation during the picnic scene, “You just tried to buy me into giving you something!”, is ironically punctuated by diegetic music “it can’t be love”, to expose Kane’s perverse commodification of emotional fulfilment. Thus, Welles foregrounds Kane’s inability to reconcile the dichotomy between his materialistic inclinations and genuine happiness, amplifying the dramatic irony of Kane’s self-reflective confession “I always gagged on the silver spoon”, with the “silver spoon” connoting wealth and privilege. In the final scene, a sweeping aerial shot over Xanadu’s “loot of the world”, juxtaposed with a closeup shot of “Rosebud”, symbolic for the happiness of Kane’s childhood, buried amidst the “junk”, demonstrates the inherent paradox of Kane’s machinations, forsaking emotional fulfilment and “humanity…in an endless acquisition of material gimmicks” (Alan Stanbrook 1941). Thus, Citizen Kane decries how materialistic obsession ultimately renders an individual’s pursuit of happiness futile.
Welle’s Citizen Kane engrossingly foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into Kane’s identity, relationships and pursuit of happiness. Depicting the plight of a man who had “everything he wanted and then lost it”, Citizen Kane poses a cautionary tale against the inhuman extravagance that Kane embodies. It is this didactism, in conjunction with Welles’ revolutionary cinematography which imbues Citizen Kane with an enduring relevance across audiences immemorial.
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 26, 2016, 04:46:53 pm
Hi, can i please get feedback for my Module B essay (T.S Eliot)
Hi! I'll copy and paste what I sent to you in AOS essay marking, in case you read this one first:
Hi there! I think that since you were here last, we updated the marking policy :) You can read more about it in the link in my signature below! Essentially, you have to make five ATAR Notes posts in order to get a piece of work marked :) So 5 posts = one piece of your work marked. :)
Post by: angiezhang9 on July 26, 2016, 09:21:15 pm
Would you be able to have a look at my Module A essay? I would love it if you could mark harshly and give me lots of feedback :) One of my concerns is that my paragraphs don't deal with the theme in the same way (for e.g., in my paragraph on integrity, i talk about the integrity of the characters in KRIII but the integrity of the process in LFR) Is this ok?
Thanks so much!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2016, 12:17:04 am
Okay, I think I have the post count up now :) Here's my essay again, thank you so much!! By the way, I fixed up my Module A essay with your suggestions and my teacher has told me that it has improved so thank you!
Awesome, thanks for that! ;D
Woo! So glad to hear it improved, keep working on it and I'll bet you'll smash it out of the park ;D this essay is attached with comments throughout:
Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of Eliot’s exploration of the relationship between individuals and their world within his poetry. In your response discuss ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” and TWO other poems set for study.
Throughout his poetry, TS Eliot has made many comments and criticisms upon the dynamic relationship between the individual and their wider context, effectively explaining to his readership what he perceives to be the individual’s role within his contemporary society. Try to NOT include your text in the Thesis; the Thesis should be a big, general idea and your text becomes an example of that. The text comes in later, usually in a sentence of the form: "This is shown in TS Elliot's poetry, which..." You say that the Thesis is demonstrated by your text, not formed by it. Greatly influenced by the modernist movement, TS Eliot presents to the reader a bleak outlook upon the state of modern society, and the oppressive hold it has upon an individual’s existence through the adoption of the key themes within his poetry – modernity, isolation and meaning. Good. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrates the pervasiveness of these ideas within Eliot’s poetry, with the ideas further established through the related poems Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. I feel you need a more conclusive finish here, like "Thus, the audience learns _______," which will also make your link to the question a little stronger.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon his contemporary society, and its relation to the lives of individuals, evident within his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Good concept, but just like your Thesis, try to introduce the concept first and then introduce the text. Like many poets of the 20th Century, Eliot was greatly influenced by Modernism, a socio-philosophical movement which sought the replacement of Romantic optimism for pessimistic cynicism as a reaction to the Industrial Revolution and the horrors of the First World War. It was an effort to portray the truth about humanity during a time where humanity, according to modernists, appeared to be at its lowest point, and this is evident within Eliot’s poetry. Great contextual explanation, but I'd love to see it integrated throughout examples from the text to show HOW the context is evident.The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock presents to the reader a modern urban landscape (the typical setting for many of his poems) of “half-deserted streets” and “cheap hotels,” which serves to introduce Eliot’s perception of the modern world as a mundane ‘wasteland’ that carries through the rest of the poem. Technique there? Thus, the character of Prufrock acts as a vehicle in which Eliot can represent this further, through a melancholy stream of consciousness that demonstrates his discontent with modern society. This is evident through lines such as “streets that follow like a tedious argument,” which emphasizes the infinitely repetitive and mundane nature of his world, which enables his restlessness to find any meaning or purpose within his life, leading him to his isolation and detachment. Technique here? Also, try to take these ideas BEYOND the text, what do WE the audience learn about the impact of modernity on society? The use of enjambment further conveys the labyrinthine, never-ending spatiality of the city and evolves Prufrock’s ‘stream of consciousness’, techniques evident within many of Eliot’s other poems that convey a similar critique of modernity. Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents a similarly bleak outlook upon what he perceives to be a decaying society. Within the poem, Eliot describes society through the metaphor “a broken spring in a factory yard, /Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left.” The spring symbolizes Eliot’s world, with the rust of modernity promoting the decay of a strong and true society. Great ideas, again, more of an audience link would benefit you here. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody on a Windy Night Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon the relationship between the individual and society, through presenting it as a mundane and oppressive force. This leads many readers to, gain insight into Prufrock and other key characters within Eliot’s poem and to recognize their isolation and detachment. Solid paragraph! Some more audience links and ensuring techniques are used frequently would benefit you ;D
Eliot effectively explores the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Within almost all of his poems, Eliot presents to the reader an isolated individual, detached from his world. Retell. Prufrock’s inability to make decisions in fear of societal judgement – particularly from “the women [who] come and go” – leads to an inability to make connection. Retell. His intense fear of human connection stems from the fear of his own vulnerability, the paradoxical element to Prufrock, as he strives for isolation as a means of security, but thus leads him to despair. Retell, although this is better than the previous sentences. His isolation is apparent through Eliot’s effective use of imagery within the poem, whereby he creates an atmosphere of loneliness and division between Prufrock and his world. There we go, that was analysis there, Elliot used a technique to demonstrate something, but what is the impact on the audience? Prufrock describes himself as “a pair of ragged claws / Scuttling across the floors of silent seas,” watching “lonely me in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows.” This lonely image presents Prufrock as an even more isolated individual than the men he observes, for all he can do is quietly watch them as they continue to live their mundane lives. Your paragraphs need stronger conclusions to re-enforce the concept, and importantly, to re-connect to the question.
Loneliness and isolation are also a key theme within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, whereby Eliot presents the isolation and loneliness of humanity within the modern world. Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, the narrator, who Eliot also presents through a stream of consciousness, wonders the desolate streets alone at night, with only his thoughts and memories to keep him company. Retell. The isolated atmosphere is presented through the use of time as a running motif throughout the poem. What is the significance of this? What do we learn? Almost every stanza begins with Eliot stating a time in the early hours of the morning, the first being “twelve o’clock,” the cusp between one day and the next. Retell. The use of time effectively conveys the narrator’s isolation, as these times fall during periods when almost everyone is asleep and therefore the narrator is left alone. First half of that sentence was all that was required, everything after the comma was retell. Along with this, the reanimation of inanimate objects, such as the the street lamp who “sputtered” and “muttered,” representing humanity’s breakdown in communication, whereby ironically the inanimate objects are the most alive figures within the poem. What does THIS show the audience? Use the proper technique too, personification. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot effectively discusses the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world, through presenting it as a barrier inhibiting true connection. Good conclusion here, you still need it in the prior paragraph though (unless it was supposed to be one huge one).
Eliot effectively explores the impact of meaning and purpose within an individuals’ relationship with their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi, particularly in regards to the spiritual journey of their narrators. The struggle to find meaning within a meaningless world is a common element within many of Eliot’s poems, particularly within The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, which features the search for meaning of a profoundly fallible human being. “Do I dare / Disturb the universe? “Throughout the poem, Prufrock ponders upon great philosophical questions pertaining to his role within his world and the wider universe, demonstrating Prufrock’s desperation to find a greater purpose for his existence. This would have been PERFECT if you instead said that "Elliot" was the one pondering, because he is, THROUGH the character of Prufrock. It is evident within the poem through Eliot’s inclusion of many other rhetorical questions such as “So how should I presume,” “And how should I begin?” and “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?” that Prufrock over-analyses the mundane situations of his life, causing him great anxiety as his inability to make decisions leads to his feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness. I am going to use that as an example below. Prufrock feels as if he lacks a purpose, however is too afraid to change this. Retell. Therefore, through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, Eliot effectively explores the role of purpose within individuals lives, and how it affects their relationship with their wider context. However, Eliot does not present purpose and meaning as something unattainable, as evident through many of the religious elements of his poetry, which in the predominant theme of The Journey of the Magi.
A critical moment within Eliot’s life was his conversion to Christianity, which informed many of his ideas and frequently featured within many of his poems. Good contextual link, but it is perhaps not the best choice for the start of a paragraph. The Journey of the Magi is a reflective text upon religion, and features many biblical allusions, particularly in regards to the birth of Christ. “For a journey, and such a long journey.” Despite the “long journey,” Eliot provides his readers with a finality for the search for meaning, which he perceives to be his religious epiphany and conversion to Christianity. Fantastic! This is evident within the final stanza, where the narrator comments upon “alien people clutching their gods,” demonstrating that after his conversion he is no longer “clutching” for a sense of purpose like those around him, but instead has found his true meaning in God. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi Eliot effectively explores the role and importance of meaning within the lives of individuals, in that it provides a sense of purpose and control against the mundanity and pressures of modern society.
Therefore, through his poems, particularly The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and the related The Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents his key themes of modernity, isolation and meaning in order to comment and critique upon the current state of modern society and the psyche of humanity. Through this, he effectively communicates his ideas and values upon the relationship between the individual and society, and thus enables his reader with a new perspective upon our role in this world. A little more is needed in this conclusion; try adding some more depth about the themes being explored and WHY Elliot's exploration was an effective one (focus of the question, so this judgement should be more prominent).
Throughout his poetry, TS Eliot has made many comments and criticisms upon the dynamic relationship between the individual and their wider context, effectively explaining to his readership what he perceives to be the individual’s role within his contemporary society. Try to NOT include your text in the Thesis; the Thesis should be a big, general idea and your text becomes an example of that. The text comes in later, usually in a sentence of the form: "This is shown in TS Elliot's poetry, which..." You say that the Thesis is demonstrated by your text, not formed by it. Greatly influenced by the modernist movement, TS Eliot presents to the reader a bleak outlook upon the state of modern society, and the oppressive hold it has upon an individual’s existence through the adoption of the key themes within his poetry – modernity, isolation and meaning. Good. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrates the pervasiveness of these ideas within Eliot’s poetry, with the ideas further established through the related poems Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. I feel you need a more conclusive finish here, like "Thus, the audience learns _______," which will also make your link to the question a little stronger.
Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon his contemporary society, and its relation to the lives of individuals, evident within his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Good concept, but just like your Thesis, try to introduce the concept first and then introduce the text. Like many poets of the 20th Century, Eliot was greatly influenced by Modernism, a socio-philosophical movement which sought the replacement of Romantic optimism for pessimistic cynicism as a reaction to the Industrial Revolution and the horrors of the First World War. It was an effort to portray the truth about humanity during a time where humanity, according to modernists, appeared to be at its lowest point, and this is evident within Eliot’s poetry. Great contextual explanation, but I'd love to see it integrated throughout examples from the text to show HOW the context is evident.The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock presents to the reader a modern urban landscape (the typical setting for many of his poems) of “half-deserted streets” and “cheap hotels,” which serves to introduce Eliot’s perception of the modern world as a mundane ‘wasteland’ that carries through the rest of the poem. Technique there? Thus, the character of Prufrock acts as a vehicle in which Eliot can represent this further, through a melancholy stream of consciousness that demonstrates his discontent with modern society. This is evident through lines such as “streets that follow like a tedious argument,” which emphasizes the infinitely repetitive and mundane nature of his world, which enables his restlessness to find any meaning or purpose within his life, leading him to his isolation and detachment. Technique here? Also, try to take these ideas BEYOND the text, what do WE the audience learn about the impact of modernity on society? The use of enjambment further conveys the labyrinthine, never-ending spatiality of the city and evolves Prufrock’s ‘stream of consciousness’, techniques evident within many of Eliot’s other poems that convey a similar critique of modernity. Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents a similarly bleak outlook upon what he perceives to be a decaying society. Within the poem, Eliot describes society through the metaphor “a broken spring in a factory yard, /Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left.” The spring symbolizes Eliot’s world, with the rust of modernity promoting the decay of a strong and true society. Great ideas, again, more of an audience link would benefit you here. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody on a Windy Night Eliot effectively explores the impact of modernity upon the relationship between the individual and society, through presenting it as a mundane and oppressive force. This leads many readers to, gain insight into Prufrock and other key characters within Eliot’s poem and to recognize their isolation and detachment. Solid paragraph! Some more audience links and ensuring techniques are used frequently would benefit you ;D
Eliot effectively explores the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night. Within almost all of his poems, Eliot presents to the reader an isolated individual, detached from his world. Retell. Prufrock’s inability to make decisions in fear of societal judgement – particularly from “the women [who] come and go” – leads to an inability to make connection. Retell. His intense fear of human connection stems from the fear of his own vulnerability, the paradoxical element to Prufrock, as he strives for isolation as a means of security, but thus leads him to despair. Retell, although this is better than the previous sentences. His isolation is apparent through Eliot’s effective use of imagery within the poem, whereby he creates an atmosphere of loneliness and division between Prufrock and his world. There we go, that was analysis there, Elliot used a technique to demonstrate something, but what is the impact on the audience? Prufrock describes himself as “a pair of ragged claws / Scuttling across the floors of silent seas,” watching “lonely me in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows.” This lonely image presents Prufrock as an even more isolated individual than the men he observes, for all he can do is quietly watch them as they continue to live their mundane lives. Your paragraphs need stronger conclusions to re-enforce the concept, and importantly, to re-connect to the question.
Loneliness and isolation are also a key theme within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, whereby Eliot presents the isolation and loneliness of humanity within the modern world. Within Rhapsody of a Windy Night, the narrator, who Eliot also presents through a stream of consciousness, wonders the desolate streets alone at night, with only his thoughts and memories to keep him company. Retell. The isolated atmosphere is presented through the use of time as a running motif throughout the poem. What is the significance of this? What do we learn? Almost every stanza begins with Eliot stating a time in the early hours of the morning, the first being “twelve o’clock,” the cusp between one day and the next. Retell. The use of time effectively conveys the narrator’s isolation, as these times fall during periods when almost everyone is asleep and therefore the narrator is left alone. First half of that sentence was all that was required, everything after the comma was retell. Along with this, the reanimation of inanimate objects, such as the the street lamp who “sputtered” and “muttered,” representing humanity’s breakdown in communication, whereby ironically the inanimate objects are the most alive figures within the poem. What does THIS show the audience? Use the proper technique too, personification. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot effectively discusses the impact of isolation upon the relationship between an individual and their world, through presenting it as a barrier inhibiting true connection. Good conclusion here, you still need it in the prior paragraph though (unless it was supposed to be one huge one).
Eliot effectively explores the impact of meaning and purpose within an individuals’ relationship with their world through his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi, particularly in regards to the spiritual journey of their narrators. The struggle to find meaning within a meaningless world is a common element within many of Eliot’s poems, particularly within The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, which features the search for meaning of a profoundly fallible human being. “Do I dare / Disturb the universe? “Throughout the poem, Prufrock ponders upon great philosophical questions pertaining to his role within his world and the wider universe, demonstrating Prufrock’s desperation to find a greater purpose for his existence. This would have been PERFECT if you instead said that "Elliot" was the one pondering, because he is, THROUGH the character of Prufrock. It is evident within the poem through Eliot’s inclusion of many other rhetorical questions such as “So how should I presume,” “And how should I begin?” and “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?” that Prufrock over-analyses the mundane situations of his life, causing him great anxiety as his inability to make decisions leads to his feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness. I am going to use that as an example below. Prufrock feels as if he lacks a purpose, however is too afraid to change this. Retell. Therefore, through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, Eliot effectively explores the role of purpose within individuals lives, and how it affects their relationship with their wider context. However, Eliot does not present purpose and meaning as something unattainable, as evident through many of the religious elements of his poetry, which in the predominant theme of The Journey of the Magi.
A critical moment within Eliot’s life was his conversion to Christianity, which informed many of his ideas and frequently featured within many of his poems. Good contextual link, but it is perhaps not the best choice for the start of a paragraph. The Journey of the Magi is a reflective text upon religion, and features many biblical allusions, particularly in regards to the birth of Christ. “For a journey, and such a long journey.” Despite the “long journey,” Eliot provides his readers with a finality for the search for meaning, which he perceives to be his religious epiphany and conversion to Christianity. Fantastic! This is evident within the final stanza, where the narrator comments upon “alien people clutching their gods,” demonstrating that after his conversion he is no longer “clutching” for a sense of purpose like those around him, but instead has found his true meaning in God. Therefore, it is evident that through The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and The Journey of the Magi Eliot effectively explores the role and importance of meaning within the lives of individuals, in that it provides a sense of purpose and control against the mundanity and pressures of modern society.
Therefore, through his poems, particularly The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and the related The Journey of the Magi and Rhapsody of a Windy Night, Eliot presents his key themes of modernity, isolation and meaning in order to comment and critique upon the current state of modern society and the psyche of humanity. Through this, he effectively communicates his ideas and values upon the relationship between the individual and society, and thus enables his reader with a new perspective upon our role in this world. A little more is needed in this conclusion; try adding some more depth about the themes being explored and WHY Elliot's exploration was an effective one (focus of the question, so this judgement should be more prominent).
A great essay here! Excellent ideas, though I do think you could structure them a little better. As an easy bit of feedback to get out of the way, ensure that all your 3 body paragraphs have an appropriate intro and conclusion that connect to your Thesis and to the question as well.
So, you have some excellent textual references throughout this essay, and some great concepts on show. I have two comments on how to improve their expression, and the first is eliminating retell. In this essay, you rely heavily on character actions and how they demonstrate your concepts. This makes it very easy to verge into retell. The thing is, your ideas don't have to change, just their expression, let me show you what I mean :D
Okay, so take this sentence:
It is evident within the poem through Eliot’s inclusion of many other rhetorical questions such as “So how should I presume,” “And how should I begin?” and “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?” that Prufrock over-analyses the mundane situations of his life, causing him great anxiety as his inability to make decisions leads to his feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness.
The bit that leans towards retell is in red. What I mean by adapting your analysis to make it composer/audience focused is simply taking this same idea and changing how it is expressed:
Elliot's inclusion of rhetorical questions such as "And how should I begin?," effectively develops the character of Prufrock as over-analytical, thus communicating to the audience anxiety can lead to feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness.
This is an identical idea, just expressed so that it relates to the audience and the composer. No additional plot detail, I've taken the bit in red and re-framed it as characterisation, and besides that, I only get a technique, an example, what it does (characterises), and then what is accentuates to ME!
The bit in green is your second and most important bit of feedback: Judgement.
This is an "Evaluate" question, you need to be making judgements about how effectively the composer has used techniques to convey/accentuate their ideas!! This is most easily done with adverbs like "effectively," though you'll want a variety so you can link to the specific effect being discussed. Essentially, how well does the composer show us the ideas you are discussing? This should not only be threaded through your analysis, but needs to be added to your Thesis and conclusion in a significant way as well ;D
So take out a bit of retell, add a bit of judgement, three pinches of salt and you'll have a much more powerful essay soufflé ;) great work!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2016, 12:45:29 am
Post by: sudodds on July 27, 2016, 08:45:52 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2016, 09:38:18 pm
Hey Jamon,
I know you just marked by disc. essay but I this will be the last essay I'll post up for marking until after trials (in 5 days!!). Once again any feedback will be excellent and I wrote this a term ago, so there might be similar issues as the one in my disc.
Thanks so much :))
Hey! That's no worries at all, good luck for your Trials! I'll do my best to give you some useful feedback ;D essay attached with comments in bold! ;D
Spoiler
Significant texts transcend contextual barriers through their multifaceted treatment of enduring thematic concerns. Such as! Try and introduce those concerns BEFORE you introduce the text, maintain conceptuality ;D Orson Welles’ metaphysical detective story Citizen Kane(1941) illustrates the centrality of materialistic ambition and power in distorting an individual’s sense of self, undermining their ability to maintain meaningful relationships and impeding their pursuit of happiness. Great concept. Through his use of avant-garde cinematography, involving his manipulation of language, construction and content, and treatment of universal human concerns Welles formidably propounds the memorability and relativity of Citizen Kane for Citizen Kane is the “the greatest movie of all Time” – Roger Ebert . Slight expression issue at the end there, but nice integration of judgement. Excellent Thesis.
In Citizen Kane, Welles didactically explores how unrestrained ambition catalyses moral degradation and underpins the distortion of an individual’s sense of self. Amazing concept, well expressed, but try to bring in the text after the concept separately. Kane’s exclusive pursuit of power at the expense of morality reflects the widespread use of yellow journalism by media mogul William Randolph Hearst, who perpetrated the misrepresentation of truth for media sensationalism. Initially, Kane’s self-confessed characterisation as a “tireless and fighting champion” for the “underprivileged” establishes his altruistic and benevolent ideals, epitomised by the “Declaration of Principles” in which he definitively asserts that “no special interests are going to allowed to interfere with the truth!”. Retell, no technique. However, Welles use of dramatic chiaroscuro lighting, as Kane moves from light into partial darkness to sign the Declaration of Principles, foreshadows his eventual ethical degeneration. What does this show the audience? Kane’s hubristic ambition for power conveyed by his monomaniac pursuit of “circulation” precipitates his hypocritical descent into “yellow journalism”, as illustrated by his assertion that “If the headline is big enough, the news is big enough”. An easy way to tell if you are retelling: If you are assigning techniques to a character, then you are retelling. Remember, Kane is just Welles' puppet! Kane’s self-aggrandisement, the antithesis of his former altruistic ideals, climaxes in the low angle shot of Kane shredding his Declaration of Principles, an act dually symbolic for Kane’s moral dichotomy and thus, the disintegration of his identity. Retell. Through the faux newsreel montage “News on the March” revealing Kane’s paradoxical characterisation as a “communist”, a “fascist” and an “American” in combination with the dialectic between a multiplicity of flashback perspectives, Welles’ further emphasises the fragmentation of Kane’s identity engendered by his ambition for a larger-than-life persona, rendering “Kane... a simulacrum, a chaos of appearances” (Borges)(1941). Better analysis, but I'm looking for greater audience impact beyond just learning about the character of Kane. Aligning with the jigsaw motif, Rosebud, a synecdoche for Kane’s innocence and moral purity, untainted by the corrupting influence of ambition, thus, becomes the metaphoric “missing piece” in the “jigsaw puzzle” of Kane’s identity. Hence, Citizen Kane illuminates the potential for overriding ambition to engender moral vacuity and destabilise an individual’s sense of self. Fantastic techniques and explanations, but overly text focused, you are telling me what happened in the text and what it reveals about the character, where instead, I need what Welles shows the audience about the concept in general! What do we learn?
By exploring the flawed human desire for excessive control and power, Citizen Kane explicates how an individual’s capacity to maintain meaningful relationships is undermined by egotistical ideals. Mary Kane’s decision to relinquish guardianship of Kane over to “the banker”, Thatcher, violating her maternal duties for financial prosperity, embodies the distorted American Dream of the 1940’s which fostered the pursuance of power and success at the expense of traditional relationships. Good contextual link, but still retell. Internalising his deprivation of maternal love, Kane emerges as a self-centred man who “didn’t believe in anything but Charlie Kane”. Technique? However Kane’s egocentrism actuates the inherent instability within his relationships, with the breakfast montage depicting the disintegration of Kane’s first marriage with Emily. Verging on retell, what does this reveal to the audience? Welles’ use of increasing proxemic ranges, showcased through whip pans, conveys their widening emotional gulf, engendered by Kane’s prioritisation of “The Inquirer”, his channel of self-aggrandisement. Thus showing the audience? Thus, Emily laments “sometimes I think I’d prefer a rival of flesh and blood”, exemplifying how Kane’s egocentric pursuits have impaired their relationship. Retell. To further satiate his egomaniacal desires, Kane forces Susan, his second wife, to pursue an undesired career as an opera singer. Retell. A high angle shot of Susan shrouded in Kane’s elongated shadow as he commands in a forceful tone “You will continue with you singing!”, accentuated by Susan’s retrospective remonstrations “I didn’t want any of it” , reveals how Susan is merely a vehicle through which Kane exercises power to gratify his vanity. Retell, see below for example. Whilst Kane initially “married for love”, Leland captures the infused tension within Kane’s relationships, as he notions Kane ironically “wanted love on [his] own terms”. Retell.Ultimately, when Susan leaves Kane, Welles’ use of mise-en-abyme to frame Kane within “echer” style windows, with mirror images of Kane reflected ad infinitum, visually manifests Kane’s narcissistic regression into emotional isolation, “having made his own complete and ruinous investment in himself” (Peter Bradshaw 2015). Retell, but effective integration of other critics! Good job there. Thus, in Citizen Kane, Welles propounds how egocentrism compromises an individual’s capacity to sustain meaningful relationships.
Moreover, In Citizen Kane, Welles criticises materialistic gratification for undermining the pursuit of authentic emotional fulfilment. Welles’ concern stems from the “acquisitive society” (Orson Welles 1941) of 1940’s Post Great Depression America, where the dissolute pursuit of transient pleasures eclipsed inner contentment. From the outset, the extreme long shot of Kane’s extravagant mansion, “Xanadu”, a dominating presence in the background, prefigures Kane’s extensive preoccupation with material affluence. Thus showing what to the audience? However, Welles’ use of shadowy German Expressionist lighting in tandem with an ominous music score conveys the absence of felicity in Kane’s oxymoronic “decaying pleasure palace”. This is less retell, but still missing the audience links and connection to the concept! Xanadu’s grandeur is antithetically contrasted to the simplistic interior of a snow globe, a microcosmic depiction of Kane’s blissful childhood in “Little Salem”, to reveal his innate desire for a bygone period of emotional fulfilment. In an attempt to ameliorate the emotional void of his material construct, Kane marries Susan whose possession of the snow globe, depicted by a close up shot of her desk, establishes her as the manifestation of his youthful happiness. Retell. However, Kane’s pursuit to attain this happiness through an emotional connection with Susan is inevitably distorted by his materialistic ideals. Retell. Susan’s indignant accusation during the picnic scene, “You just tried to buy me into giving you something!”, is ironically punctuated by diegetic music “it can’t be love”, to expose Kane’s perverse commodification of emotional fulfilment. Thus showing the audience ______? Thus, Welles foregrounds Kane’s inability to reconcile the dichotomy between his materialistic inclinations and genuine happiness, amplifying the dramatic irony of Kane’s self-reflective confession “I always gagged on the silver spoon”, with the “silver spoon” connoting wealth and privilege. An audience link would make this sentence much more powerful! In the final scene, a sweeping aerial shot over Xanadu’s “loot of the world”, juxtaposed with a closeup shot of “Rosebud”, symbolic for the happiness of Kane’s childhood, buried amidst the “junk”, demonstrates the inherent paradox of Kane’s machinations, forsaking emotional fulfilment and “humanity…in an endless acquisition of material gimmicks” (Alan Stanbrook 1941). Thus, Citizen Kane decries how materialistic obsession ultimately renders an individual’s pursuit of happiness futile.
Welle’s Citizen Kane engrossingly foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into Kane’s identity, relationships and pursuit of happiness. Depicting the plight of a man who had “everything he wanted and then lost it”, Citizen Kane poses a cautionary tale against the inhuman extravagance that Kane embodies. It is this didactism, in conjunction with Welles’ revolutionary cinematography which imbues Citizen Kane with an enduring relevance across audiences immemorial. Solid conclusion, but it is missing the evaluative aspect of this module (see below)!
In Citizen Kane, Welles didactically explores how unrestrained ambition catalyses moral degradation and underpins the distortion of an individual’s sense of self. Amazing concept, well expressed, but try to bring in the text after the concept separately. Kane’s exclusive pursuit of power at the expense of morality reflects the widespread use of yellow journalism by media mogul William Randolph Hearst, who perpetrated the misrepresentation of truth for media sensationalism. Initially, Kane’s self-confessed characterisation as a “tireless and fighting champion” for the “underprivileged” establishes his altruistic and benevolent ideals, epitomised by the “Declaration of Principles” in which he definitively asserts that “no special interests are going to allowed to interfere with the truth!”. Retell, no technique. However, Welles use of dramatic chiaroscuro lighting, as Kane moves from light into partial darkness to sign the Declaration of Principles, foreshadows his eventual ethical degeneration. What does this show the audience? Kane’s hubristic ambition for power conveyed by his monomaniac pursuit of “circulation” precipitates his hypocritical descent into “yellow journalism”, as illustrated by his assertion that “If the headline is big enough, the news is big enough”. An easy way to tell if you are retelling: If you are assigning techniques to a character, then you are retelling. Remember, Kane is just Welles' puppet! Kane’s self-aggrandisement, the antithesis of his former altruistic ideals, climaxes in the low angle shot of Kane shredding his Declaration of Principles, an act dually symbolic for Kane’s moral dichotomy and thus, the disintegration of his identity. Retell. Through the faux newsreel montage “News on the March” revealing Kane’s paradoxical characterisation as a “communist”, a “fascist” and an “American” in combination with the dialectic between a multiplicity of flashback perspectives, Welles’ further emphasises the fragmentation of Kane’s identity engendered by his ambition for a larger-than-life persona, rendering “Kane... a simulacrum, a chaos of appearances” (Borges)(1941). Better analysis, but I'm looking for greater audience impact beyond just learning about the character of Kane. Aligning with the jigsaw motif, Rosebud, a synecdoche for Kane’s innocence and moral purity, untainted by the corrupting influence of ambition, thus, becomes the metaphoric “missing piece” in the “jigsaw puzzle” of Kane’s identity. Hence, Citizen Kane illuminates the potential for overriding ambition to engender moral vacuity and destabilise an individual’s sense of self. Fantastic techniques and explanations, but overly text focused, you are telling me what happened in the text and what it reveals about the character, where instead, I need what Welles shows the audience about the concept in general! What do we learn?
By exploring the flawed human desire for excessive control and power, Citizen Kane explicates how an individual’s capacity to maintain meaningful relationships is undermined by egotistical ideals. Mary Kane’s decision to relinquish guardianship of Kane over to “the banker”, Thatcher, violating her maternal duties for financial prosperity, embodies the distorted American Dream of the 1940’s which fostered the pursuance of power and success at the expense of traditional relationships. Good contextual link, but still retell. Internalising his deprivation of maternal love, Kane emerges as a self-centred man who “didn’t believe in anything but Charlie Kane”. Technique? However Kane’s egocentrism actuates the inherent instability within his relationships, with the breakfast montage depicting the disintegration of Kane’s first marriage with Emily. Verging on retell, what does this reveal to the audience? Welles’ use of increasing proxemic ranges, showcased through whip pans, conveys their widening emotional gulf, engendered by Kane’s prioritisation of “The Inquirer”, his channel of self-aggrandisement. Thus showing the audience? Thus, Emily laments “sometimes I think I’d prefer a rival of flesh and blood”, exemplifying how Kane’s egocentric pursuits have impaired their relationship. Retell. To further satiate his egomaniacal desires, Kane forces Susan, his second wife, to pursue an undesired career as an opera singer. Retell. A high angle shot of Susan shrouded in Kane’s elongated shadow as he commands in a forceful tone “You will continue with you singing!”, accentuated by Susan’s retrospective remonstrations “I didn’t want any of it” , reveals how Susan is merely a vehicle through which Kane exercises power to gratify his vanity. Retell, see below for example. Whilst Kane initially “married for love”, Leland captures the infused tension within Kane’s relationships, as he notions Kane ironically “wanted love on [his] own terms”. Retell.Ultimately, when Susan leaves Kane, Welles’ use of mise-en-abyme to frame Kane within “echer” style windows, with mirror images of Kane reflected ad infinitum, visually manifests Kane’s narcissistic regression into emotional isolation, “having made his own complete and ruinous investment in himself” (Peter Bradshaw 2015). Retell, but effective integration of other critics! Good job there. Thus, in Citizen Kane, Welles propounds how egocentrism compromises an individual’s capacity to sustain meaningful relationships.
Moreover, In Citizen Kane, Welles criticises materialistic gratification for undermining the pursuit of authentic emotional fulfilment. Welles’ concern stems from the “acquisitive society” (Orson Welles 1941) of 1940’s Post Great Depression America, where the dissolute pursuit of transient pleasures eclipsed inner contentment. From the outset, the extreme long shot of Kane’s extravagant mansion, “Xanadu”, a dominating presence in the background, prefigures Kane’s extensive preoccupation with material affluence. Thus showing what to the audience? However, Welles’ use of shadowy German Expressionist lighting in tandem with an ominous music score conveys the absence of felicity in Kane’s oxymoronic “decaying pleasure palace”. This is less retell, but still missing the audience links and connection to the concept! Xanadu’s grandeur is antithetically contrasted to the simplistic interior of a snow globe, a microcosmic depiction of Kane’s blissful childhood in “Little Salem”, to reveal his innate desire for a bygone period of emotional fulfilment. In an attempt to ameliorate the emotional void of his material construct, Kane marries Susan whose possession of the snow globe, depicted by a close up shot of her desk, establishes her as the manifestation of his youthful happiness. Retell. However, Kane’s pursuit to attain this happiness through an emotional connection with Susan is inevitably distorted by his materialistic ideals. Retell. Susan’s indignant accusation during the picnic scene, “You just tried to buy me into giving you something!”, is ironically punctuated by diegetic music “it can’t be love”, to expose Kane’s perverse commodification of emotional fulfilment. Thus showing the audience ______? Thus, Welles foregrounds Kane’s inability to reconcile the dichotomy between his materialistic inclinations and genuine happiness, amplifying the dramatic irony of Kane’s self-reflective confession “I always gagged on the silver spoon”, with the “silver spoon” connoting wealth and privilege. An audience link would make this sentence much more powerful! In the final scene, a sweeping aerial shot over Xanadu’s “loot of the world”, juxtaposed with a closeup shot of “Rosebud”, symbolic for the happiness of Kane’s childhood, buried amidst the “junk”, demonstrates the inherent paradox of Kane’s machinations, forsaking emotional fulfilment and “humanity…in an endless acquisition of material gimmicks” (Alan Stanbrook 1941). Thus, Citizen Kane decries how materialistic obsession ultimately renders an individual’s pursuit of happiness futile.
Welle’s Citizen Kane engrossingly foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into Kane’s identity, relationships and pursuit of happiness. Depicting the plight of a man who had “everything he wanted and then lost it”, Citizen Kane poses a cautionary tale against the inhuman extravagance that Kane embodies. It is this didactism, in conjunction with Welles’ revolutionary cinematography which imbues Citizen Kane with an enduring relevance across audiences immemorial. Solid conclusion, but it is missing the evaluative aspect of this module (see below)!
Another essay full of excellent ideas here diiiii, and you are spot on, my concerns with it are the same your AoS Essay. Audience recognition and textual retell. Your ideas are fantastic, but explored in a very text focused way, and this takes away from the sophistication.
I've already discussed these things with you, but let me give you another example of removing the focus on text. Take this sentence:
A high angle shot of Susan shrouded in Kane’s elongated shadow as he commands in a forceful tone “You will continue with you singing!”, accentuated by Susan’s retrospective remonstrations “I didn’t want any of it” , reveals how Susan is merely a vehicle through which Kane exercises power to gratify his vanity.
Would become:
Welles use of high angle shot accentuate the forceful tone of Kane, "You will continue with your singing!", as Welles seeks to represent how the satisfaction of vanity is damaging to relationships.
Or something similar to that ;) this sort of analysis not only raises the sophistication of analysis, it makes connections to your paragraph concept much more obvious (this is another slight issue with your essay, but fixing analysis will fix this too) 8)
Another piece of feedback specific to this essay though, is incorporating judgements. This is the critical study of text module, and a big part of this module is judging how well the composer communicates ideas to the audience! You do this really cleverly in the introduction, with the critic's quote, but then the judgement is lost. You need to be frequently using words like "effectively, powerfully, cleverly" etc, to establish your judgement of Welles as a composer. Equally, you can say "ineffectively, inappropriately," negative things, but this is less common a little harder ;D
So, ensure that you incorporate a judgement through your essay. Establish it in your Thesis, carry it through your paragraphs, then summate it in your conclusion ;D let me know if you have any questions about this, or any of the feedback!! Very much the same as your AoS essay, once you fix the expression of your ideas they will really shine, because your techniques and explanations are spot on! ;D
Post by: Spencerr on July 27, 2016, 10:43:50 pm
Without your feedback, i'd be so lost on how to fix up my essays haha :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2016, 10:57:34 pm
Thank you So MUCH Jamon, seriously you are the best for marking all these essays!!
Without your feedback, i'd be so lost on how to fix up my essays haha :)
Happy to help!! Good luck for your Trials, I bet you'll smash it! ;D
Post by: lowrifunnell on July 28, 2016, 09:05:12 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2016, 11:38:13 am
hellooo, could I please have some feedback on my Mod C essay? I've just written the related text and I'm really not sure about it but I dont really know how to improve? thank youuu :)
Hey lowrifunnel!! Thanks for posting your essay! Unfortunately you have not met the posting requirements to receive feedback (essay marking rules available here). My math says you need to get to 20 ATAR Notes posts to qualify, as soon as you do I'll be super happy to give you some feedback! ;D
Post by: kmorritt on July 28, 2016, 01:18:25 pm
Post by: kmorritt on July 28, 2016, 01:25:02 pm
Post by: Spencerr on July 28, 2016, 08:53:20 pm
Happy to help!! Good luck for your Trials, I bet you'll smash it! ;D
Hey Jamon, after spending all of today rewriting my Mod B essay with your advice, I checked up on my paper for a previous assessment (for mod B) and I discovered that the main piece of feedback and thus where I lost my marks was because I wasn't analysing the why and how of cinematic techniques. This matches 100% with the advice you gave me and I am so grateful because I have managed to cut down my essay to only 1020 words, and on reading it, it is so much better. I couldn't have done this without the examples you provided which really helped. I'm just sitting here in shock at how grateful i am, with the newfound confidence you have given me in relation to the upcoming trials. You are actually an English messiah. :) :) :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2016, 09:01:07 pm
Hi could I please get some feedback for my module c essay? Thanks :)
Hey guys can anyone please give me feedback on my comparative module a essay? Thank you :)
Hey there! Thanks for posting your essays, welcome to the forums btw!! Be sure to let me know if you need anything ;D
Unfortunately you have not met the posting requirements to receive feedback. We have a post exchange policy in place to make sure the service doesn't get too clogged (essay marking rules available here). It is 15 posts per essay, so to get both of these marked you'll need to get up to 30 ATAR Notes posts! Hang around the site for a bit, ask questions, have a chat, 30 posts comes surprisingly quickly ;) thanks in advance!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2016, 09:19:27 pm
Hey Jamon, after spending all of today rewriting my Mod B essay with your advice, I checked up on my paper for a previous assessment (for mod B) and I discovered that the main piece of feedback and thus where I lost my marks was because I wasn't analysing the why and how of cinematic techniques. This matches 100% with the advice you gave me and I am so grateful because I have managed to cut down my essay to only 1020 words, and on reading it, it is so much better. I couldn't have done this without the examples you provided which really helped. I'm just sitting here in shock at how grateful i am, with the newfound confidence you have given me in relation to the upcoming trials. You are actually an English messiah. :) :) :)
So so happy to hear that diiii!! Seriously, thank you for saying so :) I like getting feedback like this, positive or negative, I'm always aiming to improve how I provide my feedback so knowing that I've really helped you (and that it matches with expectation) is really uplifting for me, so thank you! ;D super excited to hear that you are confident heading into Trials, I bet you will absolutely smash it! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2016, 10:17:24 pm
Hello again,
Would you be able to have a look at my Module A essay? I would love it if you could mark harshly and give me lots of feedback :) One of my concerns is that my paragraphs don't deal with the theme in the same way (for e.g., in my paragraph on integrity, i talk about the integrity of the characters in KRIII but the integrity of the process in LFR) Is this ok?
Thanks so much!
Hey Angie!! Happy to mark your essay and give you some feedback!
Before I do though, in case I forget, that is absolutely fine. That's actually a good thing, because you are saying, "Okay, this text also explores the idea of integrity, but it does it in a different way." It's a good comparison to make ;)
Okay, here we go ;D
Spoiler
“In what ways does a comparative study of Richard III and Looking for Richard enhance your appreciation of how context affects form and values?
Despite differing contextual influences and audiences, some inherent values are universally embedded within humanity. I think this Thesis could do with being a little more definite in how it is expressed, bringing in audiences doesn't quite make sense, because you aren't talking about texts, rather, the nature of humanity. Shakespeare’s play King Richard III (1592) examines the upholding of moral integrity and the consequences of an individual’s unwavering pursuit for personal power, reinforcing the theocentric worldview held by the Elizabethan society. Good contextual info with the introduction.Similarly, Pacino’s postmodern docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’ (1996) explores the concepts of integrity and power through a focus on the value of interpretation to connect Shakespeare’s powerful language and moral values to his contemporary, secular audience. Through a study of the intertextual connections of both texts, a responder is able to extract humanity’s values that are influenced by the differing social paradigms and forms. A solid introduction! A more definite Thesis would be beneficial, but besides this it works well!
An individual’s unwavering pursuit for power is a universal value despite differing contexts and forms. I'd add 'for composers' to specify that you are talking about it being a universal value in texts, a little clearer here as well. In Shakespeare’s play, Richard’s Machiavellian political discourse and abdication of his conscience is revealed in the opening soliloquy “Since I cannot prove a lover… I am determined to prove a villain.” This melodramatic signpost definitively proclaims his purpose as villain, representing the societal shift towards the emerging Renaissance humanism and self-determination. Fantastic! This is reinforced by the visual imagery of his “rudely stamped” external deformity metaphorically symbolising his internal duplicity, allowing the theocentric Elizabethan audience to recognize the transgression of moral and providential boundaries. Great connection to contextual audience. As a Machiavellian demagogue, Richard derives power from skilful oration enabling him to gain sovereignty and exert power over others. Retell, careful! This is highlighted through his successful persuasion of Anne to marry him, using antithetical and manipulative language “I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me.” Anne’s vulnerability and Richard’s dominance over her is contextually supported by Anne’s need for status in the patriarchal world that Shakespeare was writing in. Careful we've slipped into retell here, don't tell me what happens in the text, keep the focus on techniques! Contrasting Shakespeare’s exploration of the power of language, Pacino uses cinematic techniques to effectively portray Richard’s power in this scene to his egalitarian society. Love this linking sentence: The difference in technique is a great thing to accentuate! Pacino positions the camera to swirl around the couple, visually symbolising Anne’s confusion and entrapment by Richard, who is portrayed in chiaroscuro and dark costume to represent his Machiavellian treachery. Retell. Furthermore, the docudrama focuses on the power of the actors to reveal Richard’s Machilvellian political discourse. Pacino’s suggestion to ask the experts is refuted by Kimball: “You are making the documentary to show that actors truly are the possessors of tradition.” The editorial cut to a scholar who responds “I don’t know” humorously challenges academia’s traditional reverence, empowering Pacino and his actors to undertake the role of connecting Shakespeare to modern society. Thus, the different approaches to the portrayal of Richard’s pursuit for power is a result of contextual differences. However, the humanistic value of power remains relevant. Fantastic conclusion! The start of this paragraph was fantastic and very technique driven, and you bring it back towards the end, but the middle slips a bit into retell. You start telling me about things happening in the text and how they relate to your concept. Ensure the focus stays on techniques!
An examination of the transience of power is based on a text’s political and social context.I like how you are blending your concepts with aspects of the module, it's very effective! Shakespeare’s morality play cautions the Elizabethan audience of the detrimental consequences of suppressing humanity to blindly usurp power through Richard’s eventual downfall during the Battle of Bosworth. The recurring animal motif “The bloody dog is dead” metaphorically characterises Richard’s inhumanity and reinforces divine retribution. Excellent analysis here. Shakespeare affirms the nobility of the Tudor’s legitimate power to the throne through Richmond’s defeat of the Vice character. Retell. The religious reference “The true succeeders of each royal house, By God’s fair ordinance conjoin together” reinforces to the theocentric audience that providentialism will ultimately triumph. Much better! Pacino similarly conveys the immorality of insatiable ambition through the examination of Richard’s downfall. However, due to his secular audience, Pacino investigates the psychological factors leading to Richard’s death. Good links to the audience again here! A scholar describes Richard as “A person who finally… knows that he does not have his own humanity.” The docudrama’s use of method acting and the fluidity of the interspersing combinations of performance, rehearsal and discussions in the final scene, empowers the audience to understand the psychological motivations of Richard, departing from Shakespeare’s religious focus. Fantastic! However, I'm not seeing the connection to your paragraph topic here? Pacino also places less emphasis on Richmond’s victory, eliminating his final speech due to his differing purpose from Shakespeare who had to appeal to Queen Elizabeth. Therefore, the transience of power is a factor of both contexts and it is the form of both texts through which the meaning is forged. Some FANTASTIC analysis here and excellent connection to audience, bloody brilliant! You do slip into retell in some areas though, be very careful that you aren't giving me unnecessary plot details! Also be sure that your paragraph concept carries through the paragraph itself, you slip out of focus in the latter half.
The inherent value of integrity is conveyed through differing forms due to a change in context. Shakespeare focusses on the integrity of the characters such as Hastings, who functions as a symbolic matyr to the contextual belief in the divine right of kings. His naïve loyalty to King Richard who “holds me dear…I don’t think there’s a man under the sun who’s worse at hiding his love or hate than Richard” is hyperbolic and ironic as it occurs immediately before Richard orders Hastings’ excecution. Retell. Similarly, the Nemesis figure of Margaret whose prophesies come true, function as a choric voice. Retell. She curses “Hie thee to hell for shame…there thy kingdom is”, referencing religious imagery to maintain a position of divine justice and foreshadow the consequences of Richard’s Machiavellian duplicity. What is the importance of this for the audience? What does it show us about integrity? Due to the 20th century departure from Elizabethan providentialism, Pacino focusses on the integrity of his dramatic interpretation of the original text. I think a more comparative way of expressing that is possible, add a joining word, it feels like a whole new paragraph otherwise. The stream of consciousness docudrama form empowers Pacino to imbue his work with his own contemporary values in order to “make Shakespeare accessible to…people in the street,” This is evident in the intertextual reference to ‘The Tempest,’: ‘Our revels now are ended. These our actors…’ Great. The accompanying panning shot of a Renaissance cathedral cutting to an establishing shot of urban New York foreshadows Pacino’s interpretation of the original play in his contemporary, postmodern world. Furthermore, his use of cinema veritae and impromptu vox populi display the scepticism about the relevance of Shakespeare’s plays from the secular society describing Shakespeare as “boring”. I think you need to be linking more specifically to integrity here. The different approach is absolutely great, but the link needs to be more obvious. However, Pacino returns to the African- American man because his values counter the negative responses and align with Pacino’s belief that “We should speak like Shakespeare …He did more than help us. He instructs us.’ The low angle, close up shot of his face emphasises the significance of his message in conveying the moral legacy of Shakespeare’s works that have been lost in the modern world. Thus, integrity is central to both the characterisation in ‘Richard III’ as well as the editorial process in the docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’. I like this paragraph!! I think your links to integrity need to be more obvious in the latter half, and on the whole, the analysis here wasn't as powerful as in the initial paragraphs!
Shakespeare’s play ‘King Richard III’ didactically reinforces to his theocentric audience, the consequences of challenging the divine order and providentialism. Try to start your conclusions conceptually just like your Thesis! Similarly, Pacino’s docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’ extends these inherent ideals of Shakespeare’s legacy to engage his secular and postmodern society. A comparative study of both texts against their respective time periods allows the responder to gain a deeper insight into how different social paradigms influences the form and the universal values of integrity, the pursuit and transience of power. Excellent conclusion! A more conceptual start would make it shine ;D
Despite differing contextual influences and audiences, some inherent values are universally embedded within humanity. I think this Thesis could do with being a little more definite in how it is expressed, bringing in audiences doesn't quite make sense, because you aren't talking about texts, rather, the nature of humanity. Shakespeare’s play King Richard III (1592) examines the upholding of moral integrity and the consequences of an individual’s unwavering pursuit for personal power, reinforcing the theocentric worldview held by the Elizabethan society. Good contextual info with the introduction.Similarly, Pacino’s postmodern docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’ (1996) explores the concepts of integrity and power through a focus on the value of interpretation to connect Shakespeare’s powerful language and moral values to his contemporary, secular audience. Through a study of the intertextual connections of both texts, a responder is able to extract humanity’s values that are influenced by the differing social paradigms and forms. A solid introduction! A more definite Thesis would be beneficial, but besides this it works well!
An individual’s unwavering pursuit for power is a universal value despite differing contexts and forms. I'd add 'for composers' to specify that you are talking about it being a universal value in texts, a little clearer here as well. In Shakespeare’s play, Richard’s Machiavellian political discourse and abdication of his conscience is revealed in the opening soliloquy “Since I cannot prove a lover… I am determined to prove a villain.” This melodramatic signpost definitively proclaims his purpose as villain, representing the societal shift towards the emerging Renaissance humanism and self-determination. Fantastic! This is reinforced by the visual imagery of his “rudely stamped” external deformity metaphorically symbolising his internal duplicity, allowing the theocentric Elizabethan audience to recognize the transgression of moral and providential boundaries. Great connection to contextual audience. As a Machiavellian demagogue, Richard derives power from skilful oration enabling him to gain sovereignty and exert power over others. Retell, careful! This is highlighted through his successful persuasion of Anne to marry him, using antithetical and manipulative language “I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me.” Anne’s vulnerability and Richard’s dominance over her is contextually supported by Anne’s need for status in the patriarchal world that Shakespeare was writing in. Careful we've slipped into retell here, don't tell me what happens in the text, keep the focus on techniques! Contrasting Shakespeare’s exploration of the power of language, Pacino uses cinematic techniques to effectively portray Richard’s power in this scene to his egalitarian society. Love this linking sentence: The difference in technique is a great thing to accentuate! Pacino positions the camera to swirl around the couple, visually symbolising Anne’s confusion and entrapment by Richard, who is portrayed in chiaroscuro and dark costume to represent his Machiavellian treachery. Retell. Furthermore, the docudrama focuses on the power of the actors to reveal Richard’s Machilvellian political discourse. Pacino’s suggestion to ask the experts is refuted by Kimball: “You are making the documentary to show that actors truly are the possessors of tradition.” The editorial cut to a scholar who responds “I don’t know” humorously challenges academia’s traditional reverence, empowering Pacino and his actors to undertake the role of connecting Shakespeare to modern society. Thus, the different approaches to the portrayal of Richard’s pursuit for power is a result of contextual differences. However, the humanistic value of power remains relevant. Fantastic conclusion! The start of this paragraph was fantastic and very technique driven, and you bring it back towards the end, but the middle slips a bit into retell. You start telling me about things happening in the text and how they relate to your concept. Ensure the focus stays on techniques!
An examination of the transience of power is based on a text’s political and social context.I like how you are blending your concepts with aspects of the module, it's very effective! Shakespeare’s morality play cautions the Elizabethan audience of the detrimental consequences of suppressing humanity to blindly usurp power through Richard’s eventual downfall during the Battle of Bosworth. The recurring animal motif “The bloody dog is dead” metaphorically characterises Richard’s inhumanity and reinforces divine retribution. Excellent analysis here. Shakespeare affirms the nobility of the Tudor’s legitimate power to the throne through Richmond’s defeat of the Vice character. Retell. The religious reference “The true succeeders of each royal house, By God’s fair ordinance conjoin together” reinforces to the theocentric audience that providentialism will ultimately triumph. Much better! Pacino similarly conveys the immorality of insatiable ambition through the examination of Richard’s downfall. However, due to his secular audience, Pacino investigates the psychological factors leading to Richard’s death. Good links to the audience again here! A scholar describes Richard as “A person who finally… knows that he does not have his own humanity.” The docudrama’s use of method acting and the fluidity of the interspersing combinations of performance, rehearsal and discussions in the final scene, empowers the audience to understand the psychological motivations of Richard, departing from Shakespeare’s religious focus. Fantastic! However, I'm not seeing the connection to your paragraph topic here? Pacino also places less emphasis on Richmond’s victory, eliminating his final speech due to his differing purpose from Shakespeare who had to appeal to Queen Elizabeth. Therefore, the transience of power is a factor of both contexts and it is the form of both texts through which the meaning is forged. Some FANTASTIC analysis here and excellent connection to audience, bloody brilliant! You do slip into retell in some areas though, be very careful that you aren't giving me unnecessary plot details! Also be sure that your paragraph concept carries through the paragraph itself, you slip out of focus in the latter half.
The inherent value of integrity is conveyed through differing forms due to a change in context. Shakespeare focusses on the integrity of the characters such as Hastings, who functions as a symbolic matyr to the contextual belief in the divine right of kings. His naïve loyalty to King Richard who “holds me dear…I don’t think there’s a man under the sun who’s worse at hiding his love or hate than Richard” is hyperbolic and ironic as it occurs immediately before Richard orders Hastings’ excecution. Retell. Similarly, the Nemesis figure of Margaret whose prophesies come true, function as a choric voice. Retell. She curses “Hie thee to hell for shame…there thy kingdom is”, referencing religious imagery to maintain a position of divine justice and foreshadow the consequences of Richard’s Machiavellian duplicity. What is the importance of this for the audience? What does it show us about integrity? Due to the 20th century departure from Elizabethan providentialism, Pacino focusses on the integrity of his dramatic interpretation of the original text. I think a more comparative way of expressing that is possible, add a joining word, it feels like a whole new paragraph otherwise. The stream of consciousness docudrama form empowers Pacino to imbue his work with his own contemporary values in order to “make Shakespeare accessible to…people in the street,” This is evident in the intertextual reference to ‘The Tempest,’: ‘Our revels now are ended. These our actors…’ Great. The accompanying panning shot of a Renaissance cathedral cutting to an establishing shot of urban New York foreshadows Pacino’s interpretation of the original play in his contemporary, postmodern world. Furthermore, his use of cinema veritae and impromptu vox populi display the scepticism about the relevance of Shakespeare’s plays from the secular society describing Shakespeare as “boring”. I think you need to be linking more specifically to integrity here. The different approach is absolutely great, but the link needs to be more obvious. However, Pacino returns to the African- American man because his values counter the negative responses and align with Pacino’s belief that “We should speak like Shakespeare …He did more than help us. He instructs us.’ The low angle, close up shot of his face emphasises the significance of his message in conveying the moral legacy of Shakespeare’s works that have been lost in the modern world. Thus, integrity is central to both the characterisation in ‘Richard III’ as well as the editorial process in the docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’. I like this paragraph!! I think your links to integrity need to be more obvious in the latter half, and on the whole, the analysis here wasn't as powerful as in the initial paragraphs!
Shakespeare’s play ‘King Richard III’ didactically reinforces to his theocentric audience, the consequences of challenging the divine order and providentialism. Try to start your conclusions conceptually just like your Thesis! Similarly, Pacino’s docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’ extends these inherent ideals of Shakespeare’s legacy to engage his secular and postmodern society. A comparative study of both texts against their respective time periods allows the responder to gain a deeper insight into how different social paradigms influences the form and the universal values of integrity, the pursuit and transience of power. Excellent conclusion! A more conceptual start would make it shine ;D
This is a really powerful essay Angie, absolutely stellar stuff. You have some incredible analysis here, some wonderful concepts, excellent structure and wonderful links to the module, fantastic work! ;D
I would say your issue is consistency! You have some amazing analysis, but then some places it turns into retell. Some wonderful concepts that are well structured, but in some places the concept doesn't carry through the paragraph. Essentially, there are parts of this essay that are 20/20 awesome, then others that aren't so much!
Some things to look at:
- Ensure that all analysis is technique focused: How does the technique communicate a concept? Don't tell me what happens in the text, that's retell and not as powerful as the more analytical approach
- Ensure that you are linking to the audience consistently (you only miss this on a couple of occasions)
- Ensure that your Thesis/topic statements make sense, your first two are a little messy expression wise (the Thesis, for example, you take a conceptual approach but link to the audience, doesn't quite make sense)
- Ensure your topics resonate through your paragraphs (are you still discussing what you said you'd discuss?)
- In general, ensure all points are expressed clearly and succinctly, which you already do really really well :)
Of course, let me know if you need any of this clarified, but you can already do all of these things! It's all there! I'm just looking for it to be done more consistently. The retell thing is the most prominent issue, and I've tried to mark as many places as I could where I spotted it. Remember, if you are giving me a plot detail, then there is a good chance it is retell ;D
Super amazing work here Angie, you should be super happy with this essay ;D
Post by: brontem on July 28, 2016, 10:55:21 pm
Thanks!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2016, 11:53:49 pm
Hey!! :) :) I handed in the Module A to my teacher that you guys helped me with (thanks btw) and this is probably going to be very annoying but there was one part that was pointed out that needed to be changed - but I'm worried the way that I was told to rephrase is kinda confusing and I'm worried that its not going to fit in with the paragraph. The comments I was given by my teacher are in red, and the new opening is at the bottom. I was just wondering if you could look at the new opening to my paragraph just to double check it makes sense?? Sorry its a bit confusing :-\
Thanks!! ;D
Hey Brontem!!
First of all, I love that your teacher is giving you text specific feedback like this, super cool ;D
The new introduction works really well. However, I think the first sentence should still be more conceptual. You could blend the first sentence of your old intro with the first sentence of your new one to create:
A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power. Whilst it is evident that Machiavelli and Shakespeare both believe pragmatism is required in the pursuit of power, the ultimate difference is that Shakespeare endorses that only the lawful should rule.
The first sentence might need a bit of a tweak, but something conceptual like that to start would work better in my opinion!! Besides that, love your work, I think it works really well ;D be sure to go through your paragraph and tweak your concepts ever so slightly to incorporate that "Divine Right of Kings" stuff that your teacher is mentioning; If they want it, hammer it home ;) and if your teacher has picked you up on it, then clearly that is an important aspect of the context of your text, and you'll want to make sure you give it proper attention ;D
Beyond all that, if you've rewritten the start, the remainder of the paragraph will have to change slightly to make sure it suits. Slight changes of wording will definitely suffice ;D
Post by: angiezhang9 on July 29, 2016, 08:59:05 pm
Hey Angie!! Happy to mark your essay and give you some feedback!
Before I do though, in case I forget, that is absolutely fine. That's actually a good thing, because you are saying, "Okay, this text also explores the idea of integrity, but it does it in a different way." It's a good comparison to make ;)
Okay, here we go ;DSpoiler“In what ways does a comparative study of Richard III and Looking for Richard enhance your appreciation of how context affects form and values?
Despite differing contextual influences and audiences, some inherent values are universally embedded within humanity. I think this Thesis could do with being a little more definite in how it is expressed, bringing in audiences doesn't quite make sense, because you aren't talking about texts, rather, the nature of humanity. Shakespeare’s play King Richard III (1592) examines the upholding of moral integrity and the consequences of an individual’s unwavering pursuit for personal power, reinforcing the theocentric worldview held by the Elizabethan society. Good contextual info with the introduction.Similarly, Pacino’s postmodern docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’ (1996) explores the concepts of integrity and power through a focus on the value of interpretation to connect Shakespeare’s powerful language and moral values to his contemporary, secular audience. Through a study of the intertextual connections of both texts, a responder is able to extract humanity’s values that are influenced by the differing social paradigms and forms. A solid introduction! A more definite Thesis would be beneficial, but besides this it works well!
An individual’s unwavering pursuit for power is a universal value despite differing contexts and forms. I'd add 'for composers' to specify that you are talking about it being a universal value in texts, a little clearer here as well. In Shakespeare’s play, Richard’s Machiavellian political discourse and abdication of his conscience is revealed in the opening soliloquy “Since I cannot prove a lover… I am determined to prove a villain.” This melodramatic signpost definitively proclaims his purpose as villain, representing the societal shift towards the emerging Renaissance humanism and self-determination. Fantastic! This is reinforced by the visual imagery of his “rudely stamped” external deformity metaphorically symbolising his internal duplicity, allowing the theocentric Elizabethan audience to recognize the transgression of moral and providential boundaries. Great connection to contextual audience. As a Machiavellian demagogue, Richard derives power from skilful oration enabling him to gain sovereignty and exert power over others. Retell, careful! This is highlighted through his successful persuasion of Anne to marry him, using antithetical and manipulative language “I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me.” Anne’s vulnerability and Richard’s dominance over her is contextually supported by Anne’s need for status in the patriarchal world that Shakespeare was writing in. Careful we've slipped into retell here, don't tell me what happens in the text, keep the focus on techniques! Contrasting Shakespeare’s exploration of the power of language, Pacino uses cinematic techniques to effectively portray Richard’s power in this scene to his egalitarian society. Love this linking sentence: The difference in technique is a great thing to accentuate! Pacino positions the camera to swirl around the couple, visually symbolising Anne’s confusion and entrapment by Richard, who is portrayed in chiaroscuro and dark costume to represent his Machiavellian treachery. Retell. Furthermore, the docudrama focuses on the power of the actors to reveal Richard’s Machilvellian political discourse. Pacino’s suggestion to ask the experts is refuted by Kimball: “You are making the documentary to show that actors truly are the possessors of tradition.” The editorial cut to a scholar who responds “I don’t know” humorously challenges academia’s traditional reverence, empowering Pacino and his actors to undertake the role of connecting Shakespeare to modern society. Thus, the different approaches to the portrayal of Richard’s pursuit for power is a result of contextual differences. However, the humanistic value of power remains relevant. Fantastic conclusion! The start of this paragraph was fantastic and very technique driven, and you bring it back towards the end, but the middle slips a bit into retell. You start telling me about things happening in the text and how they relate to your concept. Ensure the focus stays on techniques!
An examination of the transience of power is based on a text’s political and social context.I like how you are blending your concepts with aspects of the module, it's very effective! Shakespeare’s morality play cautions the Elizabethan audience of the detrimental consequences of suppressing humanity to blindly usurp power through Richard’s eventual downfall during the Battle of Bosworth. The recurring animal motif “The bloody dog is dead” metaphorically characterises Richard’s inhumanity and reinforces divine retribution. Excellent analysis here. Shakespeare affirms the nobility of the Tudor’s legitimate power to the throne through Richmond’s defeat of the Vice character. Retell. The religious reference “The true succeeders of each royal house, By God’s fair ordinance conjoin together” reinforces to the theocentric audience that providentialism will ultimately triumph. Much better! Pacino similarly conveys the immorality of insatiable ambition through the examination of Richard’s downfall. However, due to his secular audience, Pacino investigates the psychological factors leading to Richard’s death. Good links to the audience again here! A scholar describes Richard as “A person who finally… knows that he does not have his own humanity.” The docudrama’s use of method acting and the fluidity of the interspersing combinations of performance, rehearsal and discussions in the final scene, empowers the audience to understand the psychological motivations of Richard, departing from Shakespeare’s religious focus. Fantastic! However, I'm not seeing the connection to your paragraph topic here? Pacino also places less emphasis on Richmond’s victory, eliminating his final speech due to his differing purpose from Shakespeare who had to appeal to Queen Elizabeth. Therefore, the transience of power is a factor of both contexts and it is the form of both texts through which the meaning is forged. Some FANTASTIC analysis here and excellent connection to audience, bloody brilliant! You do slip into retell in some areas though, be very careful that you aren't giving me unnecessary plot details! Also be sure that your paragraph concept carries through the paragraph itself, you slip out of focus in the latter half.
The inherent value of integrity is conveyed through differing forms due to a change in context. Shakespeare focusses on the integrity of the characters such as Hastings, who functions as a symbolic matyr to the contextual belief in the divine right of kings. His naïve loyalty to King Richard who “holds me dear…I don’t think there’s a man under the sun who’s worse at hiding his love or hate than Richard” is hyperbolic and ironic as it occurs immediately before Richard orders Hastings’ excecution. Retell. Similarly, the Nemesis figure of Margaret whose prophesies come true, function as a choric voice. Retell. She curses “Hie thee to hell for shame…there thy kingdom is”, referencing religious imagery to maintain a position of divine justice and foreshadow the consequences of Richard’s Machiavellian duplicity. What is the importance of this for the audience? What does it show us about integrity? Due to the 20th century departure from Elizabethan providentialism, Pacino focusses on the integrity of his dramatic interpretation of the original text. I think a more comparative way of expressing that is possible, add a joining word, it feels like a whole new paragraph otherwise. The stream of consciousness docudrama form empowers Pacino to imbue his work with his own contemporary values in order to “make Shakespeare accessible to…people in the street,” This is evident in the intertextual reference to ‘The Tempest,’: ‘Our revels now are ended. These our actors…’ Great. The accompanying panning shot of a Renaissance cathedral cutting to an establishing shot of urban New York foreshadows Pacino’s interpretation of the original play in his contemporary, postmodern world. Furthermore, his use of cinema veritae and impromptu vox populi display the scepticism about the relevance of Shakespeare’s plays from the secular society describing Shakespeare as “boring”. I think you need to be linking more specifically to integrity here. The different approach is absolutely great, but the link needs to be more obvious. However, Pacino returns to the African- American man because his values counter the negative responses and align with Pacino’s belief that “We should speak like Shakespeare …He did more than help us. He instructs us.’ The low angle, close up shot of his face emphasises the significance of his message in conveying the moral legacy of Shakespeare’s works that have been lost in the modern world. Thus, integrity is central to both the characterisation in ‘Richard III’ as well as the editorial process in the docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’. I like this paragraph!! I think your links to integrity need to be more obvious in the latter half, and on the whole, the analysis here wasn't as powerful as in the initial paragraphs!
Shakespeare’s play ‘King Richard III’ didactically reinforces to his theocentric audience, the consequences of challenging the divine order and providentialism. Try to start your conclusions conceptually just like your Thesis! Similarly, Pacino’s docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’ extends these inherent ideals of Shakespeare’s legacy to engage his secular and postmodern society. A comparative study of both texts against their respective time periods allows the responder to gain a deeper insight into how different social paradigms influences the form and the universal values of integrity, the pursuit and transience of power. Excellent conclusion! A more conceptual start would make it shine ;D
This is a really powerful essay Angie, absolutely stellar stuff. You have some incredible analysis here, some wonderful concepts, excellent structure and wonderful links to the module, fantastic work! ;D
I would say your issue is consistency! You have some amazing analysis, but then some places it turns into retell. Some wonderful concepts that are well structured, but in some places the concept doesn't carry through the paragraph. Essentially, there are parts of this essay that are 20/20 awesome, then others that aren't so much!
Some things to look at:
- Ensure that all analysis is technique focused: How does the technique communicate a concept? Don't tell me what happens in the text, that's retell and not as powerful as the more analytical approach
- Ensure that you are linking to the audience consistently (you only miss this on a couple of occasions)
- Ensure that your Thesis/topic statements make sense, your first two are a little messy expression wise (the Thesis, for example, you take a conceptual approach but link to the audience, doesn't quite make sense)
- Ensure your topics resonate through your paragraphs (are you still discussing what you said you'd discuss?)
- In general, ensure all points are expressed clearly and succinctly, which you already do really really well :)
Of course, let me know if you need any of this clarified, but you can already do all of these things! It's all there! I'm just looking for it to be done more consistently. The retell thing is the most prominent issue, and I've tried to mark as many places as I could where I spotted it. Remember, if you are giving me a plot detail, then there is a good chance it is retell ;D
Super amazing work here Angie, you should be super happy with this essay ;D
THANK YOU SO MUCH JAMON!! :) You are incredible and i am so grateful for all your help. This gives me much more confidence going into trials on monday
Post by: kassidyfisher on July 29, 2016, 09:45:26 pm
I am struggling to lift my Module B Essay to the A range (recently did it in an in class and got 16/20)
I was hoping for someone to give me some advice on how to improve it?
It is a general essay, it was written for a specific question but now i am making it slightly more general to adapt it to more questions. I also need help with cutting the wordcount down a bit 8)
Thankyou for any advice :)
****
Spoiler
The art of persuasion is a force that can inspire, spark change and invigorate an audience's inner humanity through hope and compassion.The movement from apathy to compassion through a reinvigorated hope for social unity and new conceptions of humanity underscores the speeches of both Paul Keating, ‘Redfern Speech’ and Doris Lessing’ “On Not Winning The Nobel Prize’, who both similarly confront vast discrepancies in opportunity and justice in different societies through potent rhetoric to appeal to their audiences’ inner humanity. Both Keating and Lessing have been inspired by cultural injustices they have witnessed, Keating by Aboriginal assimilation and Lessing by the horrible conditions of poverty in the third world, utilising rhetoric to evoke deeper insight into humanity.
Orators employ politically driven rhetoric to overcome social division and inspire an emotional shift in the movement towards a more hopeful vision of unity. Within the opening of Keating’s 1992 speech, he attempts to unify a divided Australian audience, offering a hopeful vision of reconciliation to the indigenous population of Redfern, through encouraging them to accept collective responsibility for past injustices of the derisive agenda’s of cultural assimilation. Keating addresses the division in his immediate audience in relation to issues of reconciliation, anticipating and addressing it by evoking a shared responsibility before offering his proleptic hopeful vision. Critic Tom Clark conveys the resonating importance of Keating’s speech as it “invokes a curiously empowering version of the 'us-and-them' narrative framework underpinning the Indigenous reconciliation project in Australia.” Keating utilises unifying high modality language in the exordium of his speech, “we have committed ourselves to succeeding in the test which so far we have failed.” This admission of failure by Keating appeals to the emotions of his audience, and establishes pathos, as the binary opposition of success and failure provokes consideration of the importance of needing hope in order to attain his vision. Keating utilises rhetorical questions to challenge the audience to consider the horrid treatment of the Indigenous Australians, “We failed to ask-how would I feel if this was done to me?”, to evoke empathy and compassion within his indigenous audience, something that is still relevant to today’s divided political climate, where there is still a division between Indigenous and Non-Indigenous Australians. Through Keating’s use of rhetoric, he offers a unified future to a segregated nation, highlighting the importance of hope in order to attain reconciliation.
Keating creates a sense of unity to move his audience towards compassion to achieve his hopeful vision of new reconciled relationship with Indigenous Australians, and attain an equitable future, through powerful, emotive rhetoric. Keating’s hope for a renewed partnership with Aboriginals still resonates with a contemporary australian audience, as the values of unity, compassion and justice remain heavily ingrained within our natural culture.Through the high modality language, “Mabo is an historic decision – we can make it an historic turning point, the basis of a new relationship between indigenous and non-Aboriginal Australians,” Keating attempts to utilise the High Court Mabo decision to create momentum in the reconciliation movement and act as a catalyst for a hopeful unified future .Keating inspires his listeners to empathise with the injustice of Aboriginals to promote compassion and appeal to pathos, with the use of anaphora, “Imagine if non-Aboriginal Australians had served their country in peace and war and were then ignored in history books.”The first person subjective voice, “Guilt is not a very constructive emotion. I think what we need to do is open our hearts a bit. All of us.”, persuades his audience through the personal response to inspire a movement from guilt to compassion in order to move towards reconciliation. Keating provokes a need for hope within his audience in order to transition from apathy and animosity towards inspired compassion, reinforcing that acceptance of Indigenous Australians remained important to the Australian government.
Similar to Keating, Lessing inspires hope within her educated audience in order to provoke a broadened conception of humanity that encompassess the identities of the opressed. Lessing speech ‘on not winning the nobel prize’ delivered at the Nobel lecture in 2007 to a highly educated audience, explores the limited understanding that individuals possess about the injustices of people living in the third world, attempting to inspire appreciation of the privileges of western civilisation. Lessing's metaphor, “I am standing in a doorway looking through clouds of blowing dust,” metaphorically highlighting the western world's moral blindness and ignorance about the lack of opportunities and education that is taken for granted by Lessing’s audience. Lessing uses an ironic tone, “I do not think many of the pupils of this school will get prizes,” to highlight the injustice of those living in poverty and to evoke empathy for those who don’t possess the educational opportunities of the west, inspiring an emotional transition. Lessing uses the rhetorical question, “Is it really so impossible for these privileged students to imagine such bare poverty?” to incite a shift in perspective within her audience and align her audiences privileged values to Lessing’s more compassionate and understanding one's, inspiring hope for a more understanding definition of humanity.
Lessing attempts to inspire hope through her use of rhetoric in order to advocate for a more globalised perspective of the world, and provoke a deeper understanding of the underlying truths of humanity, thus shaping her optimistic vision as a force for social awakening and equalising opportunities. Lessing uses her role as a storyteller and writer of fiction to reinvigorate compassion and inspire individuals to appreciate repressed voices of those in the third world, employing high modality, “It is the storyteller, the dream-maker, the myth-maker, that is our phoenix, that represents us at our best, at our most creative”. Here, Lessing metaphorically portrays fiction as a vehicle for social rebirth, attempting to engender a strong sense of hope in the audience. Lessing utilises collective language, “We are a jaded lot, we in our threatened world… But we may want to restore some words that have lost their potency” to highlight to her educated audience that everyone must restore potency to words, implying that language can inspire change and offer hope to transcend ignorance. Lessing revives the motif of the dust, “The poor girl trudging through the dust, dreaming of an education for her children, do we think that we are better than she is?”, establishing pathos and reflects Lessing’s aspiration to redefine our ideologies of humanity, in order to gain equality and harmony. Lessing's closing emotive language, “I think it is that girl, and the women who were talking about books an education when they had not eaten for three days, that may yet define us,” expresses her hope, that through her speech, her audience will be enlightened to the transformative powers of literature and new definitions of humanity and her ultimate desires for equal opportunity can be shared collectively. Lessing’s speech still resonates with us today, as these discrepancies between class and educational opportunities are still very much a part of western society.
Hope is a crucial human aspiration in facilitating the transition from apathy towards complacency, sparking inspired acts of compassion and a heightened collective responsibility for the injustices and inequality pervading our world. Both Paul Keating and Doris Lessing evoke potent emotional transition within their audience when confronted with social injustice and division.
Orators employ politically driven rhetoric to overcome social division and inspire an emotional shift in the movement towards a more hopeful vision of unity. Within the opening of Keating’s 1992 speech, he attempts to unify a divided Australian audience, offering a hopeful vision of reconciliation to the indigenous population of Redfern, through encouraging them to accept collective responsibility for past injustices of the derisive agenda’s of cultural assimilation. Keating addresses the division in his immediate audience in relation to issues of reconciliation, anticipating and addressing it by evoking a shared responsibility before offering his proleptic hopeful vision. Critic Tom Clark conveys the resonating importance of Keating’s speech as it “invokes a curiously empowering version of the 'us-and-them' narrative framework underpinning the Indigenous reconciliation project in Australia.” Keating utilises unifying high modality language in the exordium of his speech, “we have committed ourselves to succeeding in the test which so far we have failed.” This admission of failure by Keating appeals to the emotions of his audience, and establishes pathos, as the binary opposition of success and failure provokes consideration of the importance of needing hope in order to attain his vision. Keating utilises rhetorical questions to challenge the audience to consider the horrid treatment of the Indigenous Australians, “We failed to ask-how would I feel if this was done to me?”, to evoke empathy and compassion within his indigenous audience, something that is still relevant to today’s divided political climate, where there is still a division between Indigenous and Non-Indigenous Australians. Through Keating’s use of rhetoric, he offers a unified future to a segregated nation, highlighting the importance of hope in order to attain reconciliation.
Keating creates a sense of unity to move his audience towards compassion to achieve his hopeful vision of new reconciled relationship with Indigenous Australians, and attain an equitable future, through powerful, emotive rhetoric. Keating’s hope for a renewed partnership with Aboriginals still resonates with a contemporary australian audience, as the values of unity, compassion and justice remain heavily ingrained within our natural culture.Through the high modality language, “Mabo is an historic decision – we can make it an historic turning point, the basis of a new relationship between indigenous and non-Aboriginal Australians,” Keating attempts to utilise the High Court Mabo decision to create momentum in the reconciliation movement and act as a catalyst for a hopeful unified future .Keating inspires his listeners to empathise with the injustice of Aboriginals to promote compassion and appeal to pathos, with the use of anaphora, “Imagine if non-Aboriginal Australians had served their country in peace and war and were then ignored in history books.”The first person subjective voice, “Guilt is not a very constructive emotion. I think what we need to do is open our hearts a bit. All of us.”, persuades his audience through the personal response to inspire a movement from guilt to compassion in order to move towards reconciliation. Keating provokes a need for hope within his audience in order to transition from apathy and animosity towards inspired compassion, reinforcing that acceptance of Indigenous Australians remained important to the Australian government.
Similar to Keating, Lessing inspires hope within her educated audience in order to provoke a broadened conception of humanity that encompassess the identities of the opressed. Lessing speech ‘on not winning the nobel prize’ delivered at the Nobel lecture in 2007 to a highly educated audience, explores the limited understanding that individuals possess about the injustices of people living in the third world, attempting to inspire appreciation of the privileges of western civilisation. Lessing's metaphor, “I am standing in a doorway looking through clouds of blowing dust,” metaphorically highlighting the western world's moral blindness and ignorance about the lack of opportunities and education that is taken for granted by Lessing’s audience. Lessing uses an ironic tone, “I do not think many of the pupils of this school will get prizes,” to highlight the injustice of those living in poverty and to evoke empathy for those who don’t possess the educational opportunities of the west, inspiring an emotional transition. Lessing uses the rhetorical question, “Is it really so impossible for these privileged students to imagine such bare poverty?” to incite a shift in perspective within her audience and align her audiences privileged values to Lessing’s more compassionate and understanding one's, inspiring hope for a more understanding definition of humanity.
Lessing attempts to inspire hope through her use of rhetoric in order to advocate for a more globalised perspective of the world, and provoke a deeper understanding of the underlying truths of humanity, thus shaping her optimistic vision as a force for social awakening and equalising opportunities. Lessing uses her role as a storyteller and writer of fiction to reinvigorate compassion and inspire individuals to appreciate repressed voices of those in the third world, employing high modality, “It is the storyteller, the dream-maker, the myth-maker, that is our phoenix, that represents us at our best, at our most creative”. Here, Lessing metaphorically portrays fiction as a vehicle for social rebirth, attempting to engender a strong sense of hope in the audience. Lessing utilises collective language, “We are a jaded lot, we in our threatened world… But we may want to restore some words that have lost their potency” to highlight to her educated audience that everyone must restore potency to words, implying that language can inspire change and offer hope to transcend ignorance. Lessing revives the motif of the dust, “The poor girl trudging through the dust, dreaming of an education for her children, do we think that we are better than she is?”, establishing pathos and reflects Lessing’s aspiration to redefine our ideologies of humanity, in order to gain equality and harmony. Lessing's closing emotive language, “I think it is that girl, and the women who were talking about books an education when they had not eaten for three days, that may yet define us,” expresses her hope, that through her speech, her audience will be enlightened to the transformative powers of literature and new definitions of humanity and her ultimate desires for equal opportunity can be shared collectively. Lessing’s speech still resonates with us today, as these discrepancies between class and educational opportunities are still very much a part of western society.
Hope is a crucial human aspiration in facilitating the transition from apathy towards complacency, sparking inspired acts of compassion and a heightened collective responsibility for the injustices and inequality pervading our world. Both Paul Keating and Doris Lessing evoke potent emotional transition within their audience when confronted with social injustice and division.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 29, 2016, 10:04:08 pm
Hello!
I am struggling to lift my Module B Essay to the A range (recently did it in an in class and got 16/20)
I was hoping for someone to give me some advice on how to improve it?
It is a general essay, it was written for a specific question but now i am making it slightly more general to adapt it to more questions. I also need help with cutting the wordcount down a bit 8)
Thankyou for any advice :)
Hey there! Thanks for posting your essays, welcome to the forums!! Be sure to let me know if you need anything ;D
Unfortunately you have not met the posting requirements to receive feedback. We have a post exchange policy in place to make sure the service doesn't get too clogged (essay marking rules available here). It is 15 posts per essay, so if you hang around the forums for a bit, ask a few questions and have a chat (make your first post here if you like), then you'll get there really quick! Just let me know when you reach the post count, thanks in advance! ;D
Post by: Aliceyyy98 on July 29, 2016, 11:45:13 pm
Not sure if I am qualified to post another essay under the new policy, please tell me if i'm not :) But here is my module B essay on Hamlet. My teacher's comments before I edited this was too cluttered, too many quotes and examples which obscures meaning and loses cohesion. Also showing the cultural significance of the text instead of stating :) Trials is around the corner, would be great if you could help me out :D
Cheers heaps
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 30, 2016, 12:21:55 am
Hi!
Not sure if I am qualified to post another essay under the new policy, please tell me if i'm not :) But here is my module B essay on Hamlet. My teacher's comments before I edited this was too cluttered, too many quotes and examples which obscures meaning and loses cohesion. Also showing the cultural significance of the text instead of stating :) Trials is around the corner, would be great if you could help me out :D
Cheers heaps
You definitely qualify! Expect feedback over the weekend ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 31, 2016, 03:12:40 pm
Hi!
Not sure if I am qualified to post another essay under the new policy, please tell me if i'm not :) But here is my module B essay on Hamlet. My teacher's comments before I edited this was too cluttered, too many quotes and examples which obscures meaning and loses cohesion. Also showing the cultural significance of the text instead of stating :) Trials is around the corner, would be great if you could help me out :D
Cheers heaps
Hey Alice! Sorry I had planned to do this last night, time got away from me, ahaha ;D
Essay is attached with comments throughout:
Spoiler
Hamlet is a multidimensional play that displays intricacies of the human experience, which permeate the society of Elizabethan England and hold continuing relevance and significance to modern audiences. This is a great introduction, though I still think the first sentence should be conceptual. Bringing in the text later and basing your Thesis on the concepts to be explored places the focus on the conceptual (where it should be). That said, since you aren't responding to a question, that can come later. Through the form of a revenge tragedy, Shakespeare examines Hamlet’s moral dilemma as he struggles to interpret truth from the rampant corruption and deception that besets his world. Ultimately, the ubiquitous corruption deprives Hamlet of his moral code and instigates him to accept mortality as inevitable. Good conceptual run down, but too text focused, you are telling what Hamlet learns and how the character develops, but what does this show the audience about your concept? Hamlet’s reflection on the inherent complexity of the human existence crafts a play that deserves its place in the literary canon. Good evaluative end there. Good intro! Just needs a more conceptual undertone, give us a REASON that you are discussing the text (what is it teaching us).
Pervasive corruption in a duplicitous world results in a sense of disillusionment. Great start, I'm missing something that links this idea to the text though, like "Such is portrayed in Shakespeare's Hamlet, where _________." The play opens with a question “Who’s there”, which immediately evokes tension and introduces the disturbance of the Great Chain of Being in Elsinore. Act 1 Scene 2 establishes the notion of verisimilitude through exploring the artifice of characters. The discrepancy between Claudius’ public and private personas is illustrated in his inaugural speech “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage”. Technique? The paradox highlights the difficulty of attaining truth amidst a world of deceit. This is supported by Hamlet’s “inky cloak” as he mourns solitarily in the court; the black costuming denotes Hamlet’s melancholy and inability to gain epistemic truth. In the soliloquy “O that this too too solid flesh would melt”, the dominant motif of disease and decay, such as “solid”, “unweeded garden”, “rank and gross in nature”, reflects the fertile overgrowth of deception which Hamlet struggles to resist. There is some really great analysis going on here, but it is being presented in a very text focused way. You need to be connecting this to Shakespeare's choices as a composer; you MUST be mentioning him often. The pessimistic tone emphasises Hamlet’s disillusionment when deciphering the boundaries between truth and deceit, as he “knows not ‘seems’”. That quote inclusion seems a little forced at the end there, doesn't quite make sense. Shakespeare’s repeated reference to “pictures”, “seeing” and “seeming” highlights the encompassing inconsistency between appearance and reality and the dissolution of honesty in Elsinore. Technique? This stems from the uncertainty in Elizabethan England, which is derived from the ambiguity of inheritance following Queen Elizabeth’s rule. Through highlighting the dichotomy between truth and pretence, Shakespeare comments on the duality of humanity, which is relevant to any context. This is a great paragraph with some good analysis, but it is missing the element of the composer, the fact that these things aren't just happening, Shakespeare is portraying them. You'll need to be evaluating these compositional choices more frequently, and further, linking them to what we learn as an audience. The text focused approach, "this is the text and this is what it represents," is a good starting point, but extrapolating it will raise your sophistication!
The inability to ascertain truth culminates in moral ambiguity and internal conflict. Act 2 Scene 2 examines Hamlet’s quandary as he is thrust into a world of uncertainty which spurs his consequent inability to execute vengeance. Retell. Hamlet’s soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” discloses his inner turmoil as he rhetorically questions his inability to act “am I a coward?” “Who calls me villain?” Again, not Hamlet's rhetorical question, Shakespeare's! Further, what does this show the audience about moral ambiguity? Furthermore, he describes himself as a “dull and muddy-mettled rascal”. Retell, technique? The self-deprecation is indicative of Hamlet deriding himself for his hesitation and lack of courage. The visual description of “muddy” symbolises the lack of clarity in his mind. Furthermore, the accumulative listing “remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!”, as Hamlet ruminates on Claudius’ “most foul and unnatural murder”, reiterates his despair for being unequal to the task assigned to him. What does this show the audience? He is caught between his medieval chivalry values as an avenger and a Renaissance Humanist who embodies qualities of Christian morality. This is illustrated in the praying scene, where Claudius is attempting to seek absolution for his “offence so rank it smells to heaven”, which draws upon the sustained imagery of decay and degeneration. Retell. Hamlet fails to murder Claudius, “and now I’ll do’t – and so a goes to heaven, and so am I revenged. That would be scanned.” Retell. The fragmented sentence structure delves into Hamlet’s moral strife. As the audience is shown ______. It has been predetermined that he avenges his deceased father, yet his Christian morals prevent him from sending Claudius to heaven. The repetition of “or” in his speech “or in his rage, or in th’incestuous pleasure…or about some act…” further reiterates Hamlet’s indecisiveness and uncertainty. Through the characterization of Hamlet as a morally conflicted individual, Shakespeare explores how mankind is susceptible to corruption and deception, creating a text that continues to be valued today. Same comments as above. Good ideas, just very text focused, this paragraph verges on textual retell a little more than the first.
The acknowledgement of the inevitability of death and complexity of mortality offers an insight into the impact corruption has on an individual. I really love your Thesis statements, really clever and really powerful. In Act 5 Scene 1, Hamlet relinquishes his Renaissance values as he is overwhelmed by the corruption in his world. The anaphora of “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust” emphasises that Hamlet has reached the conclusion that all humans will eventually die and be reduced down to the same indistinguishable dust. See examples below. His acceptance of mortality is a core Humanist ideal that continues to resonate amongst modern audiences. Good connection. The word “dust”, similar to Hamlet’s earlier reference to humanity as the “quintessence of dust”, reinforces the futility in life that inevitably ends in death. Good. While Hamlet observes the gravedigger, he utilises the religious allusion to the “first murder” in “that skull had a tongue in it … as if it were Cain’s jawbone” to demonstrate the innate corruption that lies at the core of humanity. Shakespeare does this! When Hamlet eventually takes action, in Act 5 Scene 2, he switches his mode of speech and begins to refer to himself in third person “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.” Retell. This contrasts with his previous obsession of “I”, “I’ve done you wrong”. This indicates that it is only through the abandonment of self-identity and moral values that Hamlet is able to enact the revenge which divine providence demands of him. His tone of reconciliation in his conversation with Horatio “if it be now, ‘tis not to come…” illustrates his acceptance of the lack of control man has over his life. Moreover, his succinct declaration “let be” reveals to audiences that he has lost his moral values to the oppressing corruption that surround him. In dramatizing the permanence of mortality, Shakespeare is able to create literature which resonates amongst audiences despite contextual differences, as death is a fundamental human concept. This paragraph has some crazy good ideas and comes closer to the more conceptual approach I need, but not quite.
Hamlet’s inability to reconcile his moral compass in a world devoid of honesty and truth causes him to contemplate on the nature of his existence. Through Hamlet, Shakespeare is exploring concerns that span the entire spectrum of humanity, which resounds with the contemporary audience and prolongs the play’s enduring worth. Try adding a bit more depth here. Remember, you'll need to evaluate the text (critical study), and also, re-state the ideas you explored throughout the essay (very quickly).
Pervasive corruption in a duplicitous world results in a sense of disillusionment. Great start, I'm missing something that links this idea to the text though, like "Such is portrayed in Shakespeare's Hamlet, where _________." The play opens with a question “Who’s there”, which immediately evokes tension and introduces the disturbance of the Great Chain of Being in Elsinore. Act 1 Scene 2 establishes the notion of verisimilitude through exploring the artifice of characters. The discrepancy between Claudius’ public and private personas is illustrated in his inaugural speech “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage”. Technique? The paradox highlights the difficulty of attaining truth amidst a world of deceit. This is supported by Hamlet’s “inky cloak” as he mourns solitarily in the court; the black costuming denotes Hamlet’s melancholy and inability to gain epistemic truth. In the soliloquy “O that this too too solid flesh would melt”, the dominant motif of disease and decay, such as “solid”, “unweeded garden”, “rank and gross in nature”, reflects the fertile overgrowth of deception which Hamlet struggles to resist. There is some really great analysis going on here, but it is being presented in a very text focused way. You need to be connecting this to Shakespeare's choices as a composer; you MUST be mentioning him often. The pessimistic tone emphasises Hamlet’s disillusionment when deciphering the boundaries between truth and deceit, as he “knows not ‘seems’”. That quote inclusion seems a little forced at the end there, doesn't quite make sense. Shakespeare’s repeated reference to “pictures”, “seeing” and “seeming” highlights the encompassing inconsistency between appearance and reality and the dissolution of honesty in Elsinore. Technique? This stems from the uncertainty in Elizabethan England, which is derived from the ambiguity of inheritance following Queen Elizabeth’s rule. Through highlighting the dichotomy between truth and pretence, Shakespeare comments on the duality of humanity, which is relevant to any context. This is a great paragraph with some good analysis, but it is missing the element of the composer, the fact that these things aren't just happening, Shakespeare is portraying them. You'll need to be evaluating these compositional choices more frequently, and further, linking them to what we learn as an audience. The text focused approach, "this is the text and this is what it represents," is a good starting point, but extrapolating it will raise your sophistication!
The inability to ascertain truth culminates in moral ambiguity and internal conflict. Act 2 Scene 2 examines Hamlet’s quandary as he is thrust into a world of uncertainty which spurs his consequent inability to execute vengeance. Retell. Hamlet’s soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” discloses his inner turmoil as he rhetorically questions his inability to act “am I a coward?” “Who calls me villain?” Again, not Hamlet's rhetorical question, Shakespeare's! Further, what does this show the audience about moral ambiguity? Furthermore, he describes himself as a “dull and muddy-mettled rascal”. Retell, technique? The self-deprecation is indicative of Hamlet deriding himself for his hesitation and lack of courage. The visual description of “muddy” symbolises the lack of clarity in his mind. Furthermore, the accumulative listing “remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!”, as Hamlet ruminates on Claudius’ “most foul and unnatural murder”, reiterates his despair for being unequal to the task assigned to him. What does this show the audience? He is caught between his medieval chivalry values as an avenger and a Renaissance Humanist who embodies qualities of Christian morality. This is illustrated in the praying scene, where Claudius is attempting to seek absolution for his “offence so rank it smells to heaven”, which draws upon the sustained imagery of decay and degeneration. Retell. Hamlet fails to murder Claudius, “and now I’ll do’t – and so a goes to heaven, and so am I revenged. That would be scanned.” Retell. The fragmented sentence structure delves into Hamlet’s moral strife. As the audience is shown ______. It has been predetermined that he avenges his deceased father, yet his Christian morals prevent him from sending Claudius to heaven. The repetition of “or” in his speech “or in his rage, or in th’incestuous pleasure…or about some act…” further reiterates Hamlet’s indecisiveness and uncertainty. Through the characterization of Hamlet as a morally conflicted individual, Shakespeare explores how mankind is susceptible to corruption and deception, creating a text that continues to be valued today. Same comments as above. Good ideas, just very text focused, this paragraph verges on textual retell a little more than the first.
The acknowledgement of the inevitability of death and complexity of mortality offers an insight into the impact corruption has on an individual. I really love your Thesis statements, really clever and really powerful. In Act 5 Scene 1, Hamlet relinquishes his Renaissance values as he is overwhelmed by the corruption in his world. The anaphora of “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust” emphasises that Hamlet has reached the conclusion that all humans will eventually die and be reduced down to the same indistinguishable dust. See examples below. His acceptance of mortality is a core Humanist ideal that continues to resonate amongst modern audiences. Good connection. The word “dust”, similar to Hamlet’s earlier reference to humanity as the “quintessence of dust”, reinforces the futility in life that inevitably ends in death. Good. While Hamlet observes the gravedigger, he utilises the religious allusion to the “first murder” in “that skull had a tongue in it … as if it were Cain’s jawbone” to demonstrate the innate corruption that lies at the core of humanity. Shakespeare does this! When Hamlet eventually takes action, in Act 5 Scene 2, he switches his mode of speech and begins to refer to himself in third person “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.” Retell. This contrasts with his previous obsession of “I”, “I’ve done you wrong”. This indicates that it is only through the abandonment of self-identity and moral values that Hamlet is able to enact the revenge which divine providence demands of him. His tone of reconciliation in his conversation with Horatio “if it be now, ‘tis not to come…” illustrates his acceptance of the lack of control man has over his life. Moreover, his succinct declaration “let be” reveals to audiences that he has lost his moral values to the oppressing corruption that surround him. In dramatizing the permanence of mortality, Shakespeare is able to create literature which resonates amongst audiences despite contextual differences, as death is a fundamental human concept. This paragraph has some crazy good ideas and comes closer to the more conceptual approach I need, but not quite.
Hamlet’s inability to reconcile his moral compass in a world devoid of honesty and truth causes him to contemplate on the nature of his existence. Through Hamlet, Shakespeare is exploring concerns that span the entire spectrum of humanity, which resounds with the contemporary audience and prolongs the play’s enduring worth. Try adding a bit more depth here. Remember, you'll need to evaluate the text (critical study), and also, re-state the ideas you explored throughout the essay (very quickly).
This essay has some absolutely golden nuggets of conceptual stuff in there Alice, you've considered the issues at play very carefully, and that has resulted in a well structured essay with excellent concepts. Definitely not cluttered, your ideas are clear, so well done there. I do think you could do a bit more with the context of the play, and thus explore its cultural significance, but what you have done is effective so excellent work there!
I would have two main recommendations for improvement. First of all, shifting yourself away from the text. Right now, you are bordering the line between analysis and textual retell; you are analysing in a very text focused way. Hamlet does this, this is the technique, and this is what it represents. I'm looking for a more composer based approach, and indeed, that is what is required in this module. Be sure to relate all choices back to Shakespeare, Hamlet is just Shakespeare's puppet. He says what Shakespeare wants him to say, NEVER attribute a technique to a character, it is all the composer.
Shedding the unnecessary plot details concerning Hamlet the character allows us to raise our sophistication. Create stronger links to the audience. Let's take an example!
We can take this:
The anaphora of “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust” emphasises that Hamlet has reached the conclusion that all humans will eventually die and be reduced down to the same indistinguishable dust.
And turn it into:
Shakespeare's use of anaphora accentuates the frailty of the human condition and allows us to consider the impact on our own individuality, as we are effectively presented the penultimate conclusion of “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust.”
I added a few ideas here, hence why it is longer, but notice that I've attributed to Shakespeare, I've EVALUATED how well the technique worked (critical study), and I don't bother about mentioning Hamlet because he isn't important. He is the puppet. Shakespeare used a technique and presented an idea to the audience, done and dusted :D
My second recommendation is simpler: Evaluate. This is the Critical Study module, you need to be evaluating the decisions made by Shakespeare. It's all about textual integrity: How well has Shakespeare brought together contextual influences, techniques, conceptual ideas and audience considerations into a text that actually does what it sought out to do?
Your evaluation will simply be threaded throughout the response. My 'effectively' in the example above is one way; adverbs throughout will get the job done as long as you make the judgements a more integral part of your introduction, conclusion and topic sentences. Just be sure that you are making that evaluation ;D
A great essay with brilliant ideas Alice, just cut and polish at this point ;D
Post by: Aliceyyy98 on July 31, 2016, 05:10:02 pm
Hey Alice! Sorry I had planned to do this last night, time got away from me, ahaha ;D
Essay is attached with comments throughout:SpoilerHamlet is a multidimensional play that displays intricacies of the human experience, which permeate the society of Elizabethan England and hold continuing relevance and significance to modern audiences. This is a great introduction, though I still think the first sentence should be conceptual. Bringing in the text later and basing your Thesis on the concepts to be explored places the focus on the conceptual (where it should be). That said, since you aren't responding to a question, that can come later. Through the form of a revenge tragedy, Shakespeare examines Hamlet’s moral dilemma as he struggles to interpret truth from the rampant corruption and deception that besets his world. Ultimately, the ubiquitous corruption deprives Hamlet of his moral code and instigates him to accept mortality as inevitable. Good conceptual run down, but too text focused, you are telling what Hamlet learns and how the character develops, but what does this show the audience about your concept? Hamlet’s reflection on the inherent complexity of the human existence crafts a play that deserves its place in the literary canon. Good evaluative end there. Good intro! Just needs a more conceptual undertone, give us a REASON that you are discussing the text (what is it teaching us).
Pervasive corruption in a duplicitous world results in a sense of disillusionment. Great start, I'm missing something that links this idea to the text though, like "Such is portrayed in Shakespeare's Hamlet, where _________." The play opens with a question “Who’s there”, which immediately evokes tension and introduces the disturbance of the Great Chain of Being in Elsinore. Act 1 Scene 2 establishes the notion of verisimilitude through exploring the artifice of characters. The discrepancy between Claudius’ public and private personas is illustrated in his inaugural speech “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage”. Technique? The paradox highlights the difficulty of attaining truth amidst a world of deceit. This is supported by Hamlet’s “inky cloak” as he mourns solitarily in the court; the black costuming denotes Hamlet’s melancholy and inability to gain epistemic truth. In the soliloquy “O that this too too solid flesh would melt”, the dominant motif of disease and decay, such as “solid”, “unweeded garden”, “rank and gross in nature”, reflects the fertile overgrowth of deception which Hamlet struggles to resist. There is some really great analysis going on here, but it is being presented in a very text focused way. You need to be connecting this to Shakespeare's choices as a composer; you MUST be mentioning him often. The pessimistic tone emphasises Hamlet’s disillusionment when deciphering the boundaries between truth and deceit, as he “knows not ‘seems’”. That quote inclusion seems a little forced at the end there, doesn't quite make sense. Shakespeare’s repeated reference to “pictures”, “seeing” and “seeming” highlights the encompassing inconsistency between appearance and reality and the dissolution of honesty in Elsinore. Technique? This stems from the uncertainty in Elizabethan England, which is derived from the ambiguity of inheritance following Queen Elizabeth’s rule. Through highlighting the dichotomy between truth and pretence, Shakespeare comments on the duality of humanity, which is relevant to any context. This is a great paragraph with some good analysis, but it is missing the element of the composer, the fact that these things aren't just happening, Shakespeare is portraying them. You'll need to be evaluating these compositional choices more frequently, and further, linking them to what we learn as an audience. The text focused approach, "this is the text and this is what it represents," is a good starting point, but extrapolating it will raise your sophistication!
The inability to ascertain truth culminates in moral ambiguity and internal conflict. Act 2 Scene 2 examines Hamlet’s quandary as he is thrust into a world of uncertainty which spurs his consequent inability to execute vengeance. Retell. Hamlet’s soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!” discloses his inner turmoil as he rhetorically questions his inability to act “am I a coward?” “Who calls me villain?” Again, not Hamlet's rhetorical question, Shakespeare's! Further, what does this show the audience about moral ambiguity? Furthermore, he describes himself as a “dull and muddy-mettled rascal”. Retell, technique? The self-deprecation is indicative of Hamlet deriding himself for his hesitation and lack of courage. The visual description of “muddy” symbolises the lack of clarity in his mind. Furthermore, the accumulative listing “remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!”, as Hamlet ruminates on Claudius’ “most foul and unnatural murder”, reiterates his despair for being unequal to the task assigned to him. What does this show the audience? He is caught between his medieval chivalry values as an avenger and a Renaissance Humanist who embodies qualities of Christian morality. This is illustrated in the praying scene, where Claudius is attempting to seek absolution for his “offence so rank it smells to heaven”, which draws upon the sustained imagery of decay and degeneration. Retell. Hamlet fails to murder Claudius, “and now I’ll do’t – and so a goes to heaven, and so am I revenged. That would be scanned.” Retell. The fragmented sentence structure delves into Hamlet’s moral strife. As the audience is shown ______. It has been predetermined that he avenges his deceased father, yet his Christian morals prevent him from sending Claudius to heaven. The repetition of “or” in his speech “or in his rage, or in th’incestuous pleasure…or about some act…” further reiterates Hamlet’s indecisiveness and uncertainty. Through the characterization of Hamlet as a morally conflicted individual, Shakespeare explores how mankind is susceptible to corruption and deception, creating a text that continues to be valued today. Same comments as above. Good ideas, just very text focused, this paragraph verges on textual retell a little more than the first.
The acknowledgement of the inevitability of death and complexity of mortality offers an insight into the impact corruption has on an individual. I really love your Thesis statements, really clever and really powerful. In Act 5 Scene 1, Hamlet relinquishes his Renaissance values as he is overwhelmed by the corruption in his world. The anaphora of “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust” emphasises that Hamlet has reached the conclusion that all humans will eventually die and be reduced down to the same indistinguishable dust. See examples below. His acceptance of mortality is a core Humanist ideal that continues to resonate amongst modern audiences. Good connection. The word “dust”, similar to Hamlet’s earlier reference to humanity as the “quintessence of dust”, reinforces the futility in life that inevitably ends in death. Good. While Hamlet observes the gravedigger, he utilises the religious allusion to the “first murder” in “that skull had a tongue in it … as if it were Cain’s jawbone” to demonstrate the innate corruption that lies at the core of humanity. Shakespeare does this! When Hamlet eventually takes action, in Act 5 Scene 2, he switches his mode of speech and begins to refer to himself in third person “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.” Retell. This contrasts with his previous obsession of “I”, “I’ve done you wrong”. This indicates that it is only through the abandonment of self-identity and moral values that Hamlet is able to enact the revenge which divine providence demands of him. His tone of reconciliation in his conversation with Horatio “if it be now, ‘tis not to come…” illustrates his acceptance of the lack of control man has over his life. Moreover, his succinct declaration “let be” reveals to audiences that he has lost his moral values to the oppressing corruption that surround him. In dramatizing the permanence of mortality, Shakespeare is able to create literature which resonates amongst audiences despite contextual differences, as death is a fundamental human concept. This paragraph has some crazy good ideas and comes closer to the more conceptual approach I need, but not quite.
Hamlet’s inability to reconcile his moral compass in a world devoid of honesty and truth causes him to contemplate on the nature of his existence. Through Hamlet, Shakespeare is exploring concerns that span the entire spectrum of humanity, which resounds with the contemporary audience and prolongs the play’s enduring worth. Try adding a bit more depth here. Remember, you'll need to evaluate the text (critical study), and also, re-state the ideas you explored throughout the essay (very quickly).
This essay has some absolutely golden nuggets of conceptual stuff in there Alice, you've considered the issues at play very carefully, and that has resulted in a well structured essay with excellent concepts. Definitely not cluttered, your ideas are clear, so well done there. I do think you could do a bit more with the context of the play, and thus explore its cultural significance, but what you have done is effective so excellent work there!
I would have two main recommendations for improvement. First of all, shifting yourself away from the text. Right now, you are bordering the line between analysis and textual retell; you are analysing in a very text focused way. Hamlet does this, this is the technique, and this is what it represents. I'm looking for a more composer based approach, and indeed, that is what is required in this module. Be sure to relate all choices back to Shakespeare, Hamlet is just Shakespeare's puppet. He says what Shakespeare wants him to say, NEVER attribute a technique to a character, it is all the composer.
Shedding the unnecessary plot details concerning Hamlet the character allows us to raise our sophistication. Create stronger links to the audience. Let's take an example!
We can take this:
The anaphora of “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust” emphasises that Hamlet has reached the conclusion that all humans will eventually die and be reduced down to the same indistinguishable dust.
And turn it into:
Shakespeare's use of anaphora accentuates the frailty of the human condition and allows us to consider the impact on our own individuality, as we are effectively presented the penultimate conclusion of “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust.”
I added a few ideas here, hence why it is longer, but notice that I've attributed to Shakespeare, I've EVALUATED how well the technique worked (critical study), and I don't bother about mentioning Hamlet because he isn't important. He is the puppet. Shakespeare used a technique and presented an idea to the audience, done and dusted :D
My second recommendation is simpler: Evaluate. This is the Critical Study module, you need to be evaluating the decisions made by Shakespeare. It's all about textual integrity: How well has Shakespeare brought together contextual influences, techniques, conceptual ideas and audience considerations into a text that actually does what it sought out to do?
Your evaluation will simply be threaded throughout the response. My 'effectively' in the example above is one way; adverbs throughout will get the job done as long as you make the judgements a more integral part of your introduction, conclusion and topic sentences. Just be sure that you are making that evaluation ;D
A great essay with brilliant ideas Alice, just cut and polish at this point ;D
Thank you Jamon!! For some reason my teacher really doesn't like adverbs, i did put them in my original essay and my teacher said they are really awkward and unnecessary so i had to take them out which makes life confusing. Because i hear a lot of ppl saying that we hav to put a personal voice and judgment, my teacher seem to disagree :( is there any other way of evaluating or should i just add it in for HSC but leave it for trials? Thanks so much as always!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 31, 2016, 07:06:38 pm
Thank you Jamon!! For some reason my teacher really doesn't like adverbs, i did put them in my original essay and my teacher said they are really awkward and unnecessary so i had to take them out which makes life confusing. Because i hear a lot of ppl saying that we hav to put a personal voice and judgment, my teacher seem to disagree :( is there any other way of evaluating or should i just add it in for HSC but leave it for trials? Thanks so much as always!!
Oh! Okay, so just to clarify, they disagree with something like:
Shakespeare's use of figurative language effectively demonstrates the complexity of human behaviour.
:o
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 31, 2016, 10:01:25 pm
Hi!
I was wondering if I could get feedback on my Module C essay?
Thank You!
How do composers use form and language to explore the ways political ideologies impact on individual lives and broader society?
Refer to TWO poems you have studied.
Hey there!! You sure can, your essay is in the spoiler below with comments in bold ;)
Spoiler
The skilful utilisation of literary devices and structure enables composers to represent the overarching impact of dominant political doctrines on the personal and societal aspects of life. Excellent Thesis. W. H. Auden’s ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the Ear (1932), conveys the impeding nature of political ideologies on a community and intimate relationships. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937) reveals that competing ideologies are the cause of war and thus, repression of individualism and the destruction of a civilisation. In both compositions, contradictory diplomatic policies eventuate to the fear of persecution and destruction of human morals. Overall, the careful articulation of form and structure enables composers to represent the extensive impact of governing principles on individuals and society. Fantastic Thesis paragraph, no comments at all, it works brilliantly and links to the module really well!
Prevailing political doctrines eventuate in the collision between the public and private spheres of life. I'd like to see some more detail in this concept, it's a little simplistic for my taste, what do you mean by this collision? It works well but it could be better. This notion is represented in Auden’s, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which exposes the strain on the personal politics of intimate relationships due to overarching ideologies. The opacity in the ballad is emphasised through the naivety of the female persona whilst, the questions explore the overt impact of war on individuals due to the instability of society. This instability is reflected within the withering relationship of the two personas. This is a tad too long on sweeping statements about the text, try to get into techniques and analysis a bit faster! The seemingly calm relationship is interrupted as the tension and conflicted trust reaches a climax. The wife’s tone of desperation in “Stay with me here!” coupled with the exclamation mark juxtaposes the husband’s challenged loyalties as he says “But I must be leaving.” Retell. The dehumanisation of her husband and extent of betrayal due to political force is emphasised in “O it’s broken the lock.” The symbolism of “lock” as the sacred bonds of marriage discloses how hegemonic doctrines can negatively impact the personal politics of intimate relationships. Good conceptual link there. Moreover, the cowardly actions of the husband further exposes and is symbolic of a fractured society due to complete distrust. Don't use a plot device as an example of a concept, keep the focus on techniques! The husbands’ decision to leave the wife could be a direct result of competing political perceptions and therefore, the fear of being persecuted which eventually overpowered his relationship. Make sure you are sure of your ideas, even if you actually aren't don't say "could represent this," be sure of your own arguments! This is evident through the balladic form and increasing pace of the poem that mimics the rapid movement of the approaching soldiers this also reflects the man’s anxiety as he can no longer deny the formidable truth. Hence, the ballad highlights the universal impact of war on both individual lives and communities regardless of context. Good paragraph, but the analysis could be more sophisticated; more an emphasis on techniques, and less textual retell.
Similarly, war stems from differing hegemonic principles, leading to the destruction of past national achievements. This notion is represented in Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain which reveals the restriction of human ideals as a direct impact of opposing governing principles. Great. The accumulative listing of the human advancements in “language of size… trade routes…[and] the invention of… clocks” reveals the ability of humans to advance in the world. Excellent. However, the foreboding tone, “shadow-reckoning in the sunny climates,” depicts the prevailing conflict and ensuing war, clearly outlining the futility of these hopes, dreams and advancements. I'd like to see you make an explicit reference to the audience about now, be sure to include the audience in your response, but excellent nonetheless! This notion is also reflected through the cyclical nature of the first six stanzas which symbolises the inevitability of war and its disastrous impact on individuals and society. Through the repetition of the truncated statement, “I inquire. I inquire.” Auden reveals the disillusionment and loss of human values during war, due to psychological manipulation and the “adoration of madness.” Fantastic! The analysis in this paragraph is much stronger.He evidently discloses the restriction of individualism, consequently, limiting progression in society, as war demands allegiance to one ideology thus, preventing inquisitions. Competing ideologies may be theologically based, as reflected in the verse, “theological feuds in the taverns.” This is depicted in the historical allusion of the closed “tavern” exploring the leftist in-group fighting during the Spanish Civil War. Through the employment of post-modernist imagery, “The stars are dead. The animals will not look.” Auden further exposes that the ultimate outcome of partaking in constant conflict is the self-destruction of humanity. As in, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, it is revealed that conflicting doctrines eventuate to the abandonment of human principles. Therefore, Spain reveals that the restriction of individualism and destruction of human achievements, is a direct consequence of war. This paragraph is MUCH more powerful, no retell here which is fantastic, very very effective. I'd still love to see some more explicit links to the audience: What exactly do we learn? You imply it but you could be more direct with this part of your analysis.
The eventual outcome of hegemonic regimes on a civilisation is a fractured society. This concept is portrayed in Auden’s O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which utilises brevity and ambiguity to highlight the impact of politics on a population. The multiple layers of meaning in this ballad allow for different historical interpretations of the “scarlet soldiers,” which could allude to the British Army. Which DO allude to the British Army! This historical ambiguity is symbolic of the everlasting nature of destruction due to differing ideologies and the impact it has on a population. The auditory imagery and metaphor, “Down in the valley drumming, drumming?” is reflective of the unstable nature of society’s foundations due to political and military turmoil. Excellent! This instability is reflected in the question, “It must be the farmer so cunning, cunning?” implying that the farmer might be the informant leading to the division in society and in turn, destroys intimate relationships and limits social cohesion. Remove that bit of retell in the middle there. The employment of the truncated sentence, “And now they are running,” exposes the foreboding fear civilians experience due to the overarching principles. This fear and uncertainty experienced by innocent civilians, is revealed through the utilisation of rhyming couplets, “O its the gate where they’re turning, turning… And their eyes are burning,” which portrays the impending nature of the omnipresent soldiers and as a result, the suppression of individuals due to their immersed anxiety. What I'd like to see you do with your techniques (since almost everything else is spot on) is link the technique itself to the effect. For example, rhyming couplets are a technique which gains audience attention, it accentuates something. This is different to what imagery does (develops audience understanding), or what an exclamation does, etc. Be sure to not just say every technique portrays/represents something, consider it a little more carefully. Similarly, the listing of the soldiers’ journey represents the atmosphere of intensifying fear, “the doctor… is it the parson?... they have passed the farmyard.” Whilst, portraying the disruption in the flow of society due to the rise of competing political views thus, contributing to the devaluation of social institutions and harmonious interactions. Hence, Auden highlights the instability in a society, as a result of the prevailing conflict.
On the other hand, Spain explores that unity within a population could provide the prospect for a better and more harmonious future. Try to make this sentence conceptual like your others! This is portrayed in the simile, “Many… have heard and migrated like gulls,” which reveals the want for the international audience to join the civil war and fight for their beliefs in the overarching aim of a better future for Spain. Be careful with how you pick your quote; here, you only need "migrated like gulls" to make your point. Correspondingly, the involvement of the International Brigade in the Spanish civil war, called for supporters globally that travelled, “through the unjust lands, through the night, through the alpine tunnel…” Exposing the emotional appeal of competing ideologies and its potency in calling for an international alliance. The utilisation of inclusive language, “Our moments of tenderness blossom… Our hours of friendship,” provides positive imagery of unity and comradery among the People’s Army and their growing strength against dominant power. Excellent, this is what I mean about linking technique more specifically to effect; what does this do for the audience though? It also gives hope and reinforces the need to stand up in order to make a difference. The repetition of “To-morrow,” allows the reader to speculate the future and the possibility of positive change whilst, insinuating that the eventual outcome of Spain’s future, is determined by mankind’s struggle in the war. Great. Comradery between the militants portrayed in the accumulative listing of their day-to-day activities, “the shared cigarette/ The cards…/ The masculine jokes,” reveals the need to, suppress their fears, develop courage and continue fighting for what they believe in, regardless of their minority status in the conflict. Try to be more conceptual; this is retell. The reference to democracy and positive diction, “the eager election of chairmen,” is in contrast to the previous political dictatorship and thus, provides a vision of a more just future for the citizens of Spain. Analysis in this paragraph is a little too text focused, just like the first paragraph. Be as conceptual as possible just like Paragraphs 2+3. Unlike, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, Spain represents the ability of different entities within a society to unite against dominant political doctrines and thrive for a better future. I like that you are comparing the two individual representations, that's fantastic to include.
Ultimately, W. H. Auden effectively utilises strategically constructed poems in order to represent the overarching impact of competing hegemonic doctrines on individuals and society. Like your Thesis, try to start conceptual! This is evident in the ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear whereby, differing political views results in the instability of a community and eventually, the fear of being persecuted results in the abandonment of human morals. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937), represents the eventual outcome of conflicting ideologies is war; which eventuates in the repression of individual beliefs and the destruction of a nation.I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence to finish this off, besides that fabulous!
Prevailing political doctrines eventuate in the collision between the public and private spheres of life. I'd like to see some more detail in this concept, it's a little simplistic for my taste, what do you mean by this collision? It works well but it could be better. This notion is represented in Auden’s, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which exposes the strain on the personal politics of intimate relationships due to overarching ideologies. The opacity in the ballad is emphasised through the naivety of the female persona whilst, the questions explore the overt impact of war on individuals due to the instability of society. This instability is reflected within the withering relationship of the two personas. This is a tad too long on sweeping statements about the text, try to get into techniques and analysis a bit faster! The seemingly calm relationship is interrupted as the tension and conflicted trust reaches a climax. The wife’s tone of desperation in “Stay with me here!” coupled with the exclamation mark juxtaposes the husband’s challenged loyalties as he says “But I must be leaving.” Retell. The dehumanisation of her husband and extent of betrayal due to political force is emphasised in “O it’s broken the lock.” The symbolism of “lock” as the sacred bonds of marriage discloses how hegemonic doctrines can negatively impact the personal politics of intimate relationships. Good conceptual link there. Moreover, the cowardly actions of the husband further exposes and is symbolic of a fractured society due to complete distrust. Don't use a plot device as an example of a concept, keep the focus on techniques! The husbands’ decision to leave the wife could be a direct result of competing political perceptions and therefore, the fear of being persecuted which eventually overpowered his relationship. Make sure you are sure of your ideas, even if you actually aren't don't say "could represent this," be sure of your own arguments! This is evident through the balladic form and increasing pace of the poem that mimics the rapid movement of the approaching soldiers this also reflects the man’s anxiety as he can no longer deny the formidable truth. Hence, the ballad highlights the universal impact of war on both individual lives and communities regardless of context. Good paragraph, but the analysis could be more sophisticated; more an emphasis on techniques, and less textual retell.
Similarly, war stems from differing hegemonic principles, leading to the destruction of past national achievements. This notion is represented in Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain which reveals the restriction of human ideals as a direct impact of opposing governing principles. Great. The accumulative listing of the human advancements in “language of size… trade routes…[and] the invention of… clocks” reveals the ability of humans to advance in the world. Excellent. However, the foreboding tone, “shadow-reckoning in the sunny climates,” depicts the prevailing conflict and ensuing war, clearly outlining the futility of these hopes, dreams and advancements. I'd like to see you make an explicit reference to the audience about now, be sure to include the audience in your response, but excellent nonetheless! This notion is also reflected through the cyclical nature of the first six stanzas which symbolises the inevitability of war and its disastrous impact on individuals and society. Through the repetition of the truncated statement, “I inquire. I inquire.” Auden reveals the disillusionment and loss of human values during war, due to psychological manipulation and the “adoration of madness.” Fantastic! The analysis in this paragraph is much stronger.He evidently discloses the restriction of individualism, consequently, limiting progression in society, as war demands allegiance to one ideology thus, preventing inquisitions. Competing ideologies may be theologically based, as reflected in the verse, “theological feuds in the taverns.” This is depicted in the historical allusion of the closed “tavern” exploring the leftist in-group fighting during the Spanish Civil War. Through the employment of post-modernist imagery, “The stars are dead. The animals will not look.” Auden further exposes that the ultimate outcome of partaking in constant conflict is the self-destruction of humanity. As in, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, it is revealed that conflicting doctrines eventuate to the abandonment of human principles. Therefore, Spain reveals that the restriction of individualism and destruction of human achievements, is a direct consequence of war. This paragraph is MUCH more powerful, no retell here which is fantastic, very very effective. I'd still love to see some more explicit links to the audience: What exactly do we learn? You imply it but you could be more direct with this part of your analysis.
The eventual outcome of hegemonic regimes on a civilisation is a fractured society. This concept is portrayed in Auden’s O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which utilises brevity and ambiguity to highlight the impact of politics on a population. The multiple layers of meaning in this ballad allow for different historical interpretations of the “scarlet soldiers,” which could allude to the British Army. Which DO allude to the British Army! This historical ambiguity is symbolic of the everlasting nature of destruction due to differing ideologies and the impact it has on a population. The auditory imagery and metaphor, “Down in the valley drumming, drumming?” is reflective of the unstable nature of society’s foundations due to political and military turmoil. Excellent! This instability is reflected in the question, “It must be the farmer so cunning, cunning?” implying that the farmer might be the informant leading to the division in society and in turn, destroys intimate relationships and limits social cohesion. Remove that bit of retell in the middle there. The employment of the truncated sentence, “And now they are running,” exposes the foreboding fear civilians experience due to the overarching principles. This fear and uncertainty experienced by innocent civilians, is revealed through the utilisation of rhyming couplets, “O its the gate where they’re turning, turning… And their eyes are burning,” which portrays the impending nature of the omnipresent soldiers and as a result, the suppression of individuals due to their immersed anxiety. What I'd like to see you do with your techniques (since almost everything else is spot on) is link the technique itself to the effect. For example, rhyming couplets are a technique which gains audience attention, it accentuates something. This is different to what imagery does (develops audience understanding), or what an exclamation does, etc. Be sure to not just say every technique portrays/represents something, consider it a little more carefully. Similarly, the listing of the soldiers’ journey represents the atmosphere of intensifying fear, “the doctor… is it the parson?... they have passed the farmyard.” Whilst, portraying the disruption in the flow of society due to the rise of competing political views thus, contributing to the devaluation of social institutions and harmonious interactions. Hence, Auden highlights the instability in a society, as a result of the prevailing conflict.
On the other hand, Spain explores that unity within a population could provide the prospect for a better and more harmonious future. Try to make this sentence conceptual like your others! This is portrayed in the simile, “Many… have heard and migrated like gulls,” which reveals the want for the international audience to join the civil war and fight for their beliefs in the overarching aim of a better future for Spain. Be careful with how you pick your quote; here, you only need "migrated like gulls" to make your point. Correspondingly, the involvement of the International Brigade in the Spanish civil war, called for supporters globally that travelled, “through the unjust lands, through the night, through the alpine tunnel…” Exposing the emotional appeal of competing ideologies and its potency in calling for an international alliance. The utilisation of inclusive language, “Our moments of tenderness blossom… Our hours of friendship,” provides positive imagery of unity and comradery among the People’s Army and their growing strength against dominant power. Excellent, this is what I mean about linking technique more specifically to effect; what does this do for the audience though? It also gives hope and reinforces the need to stand up in order to make a difference. The repetition of “To-morrow,” allows the reader to speculate the future and the possibility of positive change whilst, insinuating that the eventual outcome of Spain’s future, is determined by mankind’s struggle in the war. Great. Comradery between the militants portrayed in the accumulative listing of their day-to-day activities, “the shared cigarette/ The cards…/ The masculine jokes,” reveals the need to, suppress their fears, develop courage and continue fighting for what they believe in, regardless of their minority status in the conflict. Try to be more conceptual; this is retell. The reference to democracy and positive diction, “the eager election of chairmen,” is in contrast to the previous political dictatorship and thus, provides a vision of a more just future for the citizens of Spain. Analysis in this paragraph is a little too text focused, just like the first paragraph. Be as conceptual as possible just like Paragraphs 2+3. Unlike, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, Spain represents the ability of different entities within a society to unite against dominant political doctrines and thrive for a better future. I like that you are comparing the two individual representations, that's fantastic to include.
Ultimately, W. H. Auden effectively utilises strategically constructed poems in order to represent the overarching impact of competing hegemonic doctrines on individuals and society. Like your Thesis, try to start conceptual! This is evident in the ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear whereby, differing political views results in the instability of a community and eventually, the fear of being persecuted results in the abandonment of human morals. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937), represents the eventual outcome of conflicting ideologies is war; which eventuates in the repression of individual beliefs and the destruction of a nation.I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence to finish this off, besides that fabulous!
This is a crazy good essay Sahar8642, you should be really really happy with it! Masterful analysis, excellent conceptual drive, well organised; this essay has lots of fantastic things going for it! ;D of course you want me to tell you how to make it better, not just rave about it, but just know that it's already extremely impressive ;D
My suggestions are mostly small, a few over-arching things to consider in addition to the in-text comments:
- More audience links. Try to be more explicit with linking to the audience, and consider things like, Why do we as an audience respond to that technique? What is the composer trying to show their contextual audience? Do we gain the same meaning as a 'universal' responder?
- More consistency. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are absolutely amazing analysis wise; No retell, only technique driven ideas. Paragraphs 1 and 4 drop back into textual retell a bit, just explaining what happens in the text. Try to raise everything to that amazing level you reach in the middle
- More consideration of technique vs effect. Consider the impacts of specific techniques on the audience: Figurative language does different things and serves a different purposes than a truncated sentence, for example. Consider what the technique does specifically, why was it chosen and not others?
- A stronger evaluative aspect. This is a Critical Study Module, so be ready to incorporate a stronger judgement for most questions (for this specific question, not super important, so fair enough)
On the whole, not much to say at all, I think this is a great essay. Some careful polish and adjustment will make it really shine, but you have a super solid foundation you can now build on ;D great work!
Post by: Bparker on August 01, 2016, 02:14:06 pm
Just a quick question about module C (representing people and politics), should we be using conceptual topic sentences about representation, or instead mentioning ideas specific to our texts?
Thankyou!
Post by: Sahar8642 on August 01, 2016, 03:02:16 pm
Hey there!! You sure can, your essay is in the spoiler below with comments in bold ;)SpoilerThe skilful utilisation of literary devices and structure enables composers to represent the overarching impact of dominant political doctrines on the personal and societal aspects of life. Excellent Thesis. W. H. Auden’s ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the Ear (1932), conveys the impeding nature of political ideologies on a community and intimate relationships. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937) reveals that competing ideologies are the cause of war and thus, repression of individualism and the destruction of a civilisation. In both compositions, contradictory diplomatic policies eventuate to the fear of persecution and destruction of human morals. Overall, the careful articulation of form and structure enables composers to represent the extensive impact of governing principles on individuals and society. Fantastic Thesis paragraph, no comments at all, it works brilliantly and links to the module really well!
Prevailing political doctrines eventuate in the collision between the public and private spheres of life. I'd like to see some more detail in this concept, it's a little simplistic for my taste, what do you mean by this collision? It works well but it could be better. This notion is represented in Auden’s, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which exposes the strain on the personal politics of intimate relationships due to overarching ideologies. The opacity in the ballad is emphasised through the naivety of the female persona whilst, the questions explore the overt impact of war on individuals due to the instability of society. This instability is reflected within the withering relationship of the two personas. This is a tad too long on sweeping statements about the text, try to get into techniques and analysis a bit faster! The seemingly calm relationship is interrupted as the tension and conflicted trust reaches a climax. The wife’s tone of desperation in “Stay with me here!” coupled with the exclamation mark juxtaposes the husband’s challenged loyalties as he says “But I must be leaving.” Retell. The dehumanisation of her husband and extent of betrayal due to political force is emphasised in “O it’s broken the lock.” The symbolism of “lock” as the sacred bonds of marriage discloses how hegemonic doctrines can negatively impact the personal politics of intimate relationships. Good conceptual link there. Moreover, the cowardly actions of the husband further exposes and is symbolic of a fractured society due to complete distrust. Don't use a plot device as an example of a concept, keep the focus on techniques! The husbands’ decision to leave the wife could be a direct result of competing political perceptions and therefore, the fear of being persecuted which eventually overpowered his relationship. Make sure you are sure of your ideas, even if you actually aren't don't say "could represent this," be sure of your own arguments! This is evident through the balladic form and increasing pace of the poem that mimics the rapid movement of the approaching soldiers this also reflects the man’s anxiety as he can no longer deny the formidable truth. Hence, the ballad highlights the universal impact of war on both individual lives and communities regardless of context. Good paragraph, but the analysis could be more sophisticated; more an emphasis on techniques, and less textual retell.
Similarly, war stems from differing hegemonic principles, leading to the destruction of past national achievements. This notion is represented in Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain which reveals the restriction of human ideals as a direct impact of opposing governing principles. Great. The accumulative listing of the human advancements in “language of size… trade routes…[and] the invention of… clocks” reveals the ability of humans to advance in the world. Excellent. However, the foreboding tone, “shadow-reckoning in the sunny climates,” depicts the prevailing conflict and ensuing war, clearly outlining the futility of these hopes, dreams and advancements. I'd like to see you make an explicit reference to the audience about now, be sure to include the audience in your response, but excellent nonetheless! This notion is also reflected through the cyclical nature of the first six stanzas which symbolises the inevitability of war and its disastrous impact on individuals and society. Through the repetition of the truncated statement, “I inquire. I inquire.” Auden reveals the disillusionment and loss of human values during war, due to psychological manipulation and the “adoration of madness.” Fantastic! The analysis in this paragraph is much stronger.He evidently discloses the restriction of individualism, consequently, limiting progression in society, as war demands allegiance to one ideology thus, preventing inquisitions. Competing ideologies may be theologically based, as reflected in the verse, “theological feuds in the taverns.” This is depicted in the historical allusion of the closed “tavern” exploring the leftist in-group fighting during the Spanish Civil War. Through the employment of post-modernist imagery, “The stars are dead. The animals will not look.” Auden further exposes that the ultimate outcome of partaking in constant conflict is the self-destruction of humanity. As in, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, it is revealed that conflicting doctrines eventuate to the abandonment of human principles. Therefore, Spain reveals that the restriction of individualism and destruction of human achievements, is a direct consequence of war. This paragraph is MUCH more powerful, no retell here which is fantastic, very very effective. I'd still love to see some more explicit links to the audience: What exactly do we learn? You imply it but you could be more direct with this part of your analysis.
The eventual outcome of hegemonic regimes on a civilisation is a fractured society. This concept is portrayed in Auden’s O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which utilises brevity and ambiguity to highlight the impact of politics on a population. The multiple layers of meaning in this ballad allow for different historical interpretations of the “scarlet soldiers,” which could allude to the British Army. Which DO allude to the British Army! This historical ambiguity is symbolic of the everlasting nature of destruction due to differing ideologies and the impact it has on a population. The auditory imagery and metaphor, “Down in the valley drumming, drumming?” is reflective of the unstable nature of society’s foundations due to political and military turmoil. Excellent! This instability is reflected in the question, “It must be the farmer so cunning, cunning?” implying that the farmer might be the informant leading to the division in society and in turn, destroys intimate relationships and limits social cohesion. Remove that bit of retell in the middle there. The employment of the truncated sentence, “And now they are running,” exposes the foreboding fear civilians experience due to the overarching principles. This fear and uncertainty experienced by innocent civilians, is revealed through the utilisation of rhyming couplets, “O its the gate where they’re turning, turning… And their eyes are burning,” which portrays the impending nature of the omnipresent soldiers and as a result, the suppression of individuals due to their immersed anxiety. What I'd like to see you do with your techniques (since almost everything else is spot on) is link the technique itself to the effect. For example, rhyming couplets are a technique which gains audience attention, it accentuates something. This is different to what imagery does (develops audience understanding), or what an exclamation does, etc. Be sure to not just say every technique portrays/represents something, consider it a little more carefully. Similarly, the listing of the soldiers’ journey represents the atmosphere of intensifying fear, “the doctor… is it the parson?... they have passed the farmyard.” Whilst, portraying the disruption in the flow of society due to the rise of competing political views thus, contributing to the devaluation of social institutions and harmonious interactions. Hence, Auden highlights the instability in a society, as a result of the prevailing conflict.
On the other hand, Spain explores that unity within a population could provide the prospect for a better and more harmonious future. Try to make this sentence conceptual like your others! This is portrayed in the simile, “Many… have heard and migrated like gulls,” which reveals the want for the international audience to join the civil war and fight for their beliefs in the overarching aim of a better future for Spain. Be careful with how you pick your quote; here, you only need "migrated like gulls" to make your point. Correspondingly, the involvement of the International Brigade in the Spanish civil war, called for supporters globally that travelled, “through the unjust lands, through the night, through the alpine tunnel…” Exposing the emotional appeal of competing ideologies and its potency in calling for an international alliance. The utilisation of inclusive language, “Our moments of tenderness blossom… Our hours of friendship,” provides positive imagery of unity and comradery among the People’s Army and their growing strength against dominant power. Excellent, this is what I mean about linking technique more specifically to effect; what does this do for the audience though? It also gives hope and reinforces the need to stand up in order to make a difference. The repetition of “To-morrow,” allows the reader to speculate the future and the possibility of positive change whilst, insinuating that the eventual outcome of Spain’s future, is determined by mankind’s struggle in the war. Great. Comradery between the militants portrayed in the accumulative listing of their day-to-day activities, “the shared cigarette/ The cards…/ The masculine jokes,” reveals the need to, suppress their fears, develop courage and continue fighting for what they believe in, regardless of their minority status in the conflict. Try to be more conceptual; this is retell. The reference to democracy and positive diction, “the eager election of chairmen,” is in contrast to the previous political dictatorship and thus, provides a vision of a more just future for the citizens of Spain. Analysis in this paragraph is a little too text focused, just like the first paragraph. Be as conceptual as possible just like Paragraphs 2+3. Unlike, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, Spain represents the ability of different entities within a society to unite against dominant political doctrines and thrive for a better future. I like that you are comparing the two individual representations, that's fantastic to include.
Ultimately, W. H. Auden effectively utilises strategically constructed poems in order to represent the overarching impact of competing hegemonic doctrines on individuals and society. Like your Thesis, try to start conceptual! This is evident in the ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear whereby, differing political views results in the instability of a community and eventually, the fear of being persecuted results in the abandonment of human morals. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937), represents the eventual outcome of conflicting ideologies is war; which eventuates in the repression of individual beliefs and the destruction of a nation.I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence to finish this off, besides that fabulous!
This is a crazy good essay Sahar8642, you should be really really happy with it! Masterful analysis, excellent conceptual drive, well organised; this essay has lots of fantastic things going for it! ;D of course you want me to tell you how to make it better, not just rave about it, but just know that it's already extremely impressive ;D
My suggestions are mostly small, a few over-arching things to consider in addition to the in-text comments:
- More audience links. Try to be more explicit with linking to the audience, and consider things like, Why do we as an audience respond to that technique? What is the composer trying to show their contextual audience? Do we gain the same meaning as a 'universal' responder?
- More consistency. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are absolutely amazing analysis wise; No retell, only technique driven ideas. Paragraphs 1 and 4 drop back into textual retell a bit, just explaining what happens in the text. Try to raise everything to that amazing level you reach in the middle
- More consideration of technique vs effect. Consider the impacts of specific techniques on the audience: Figurative language does different things and serves a different purposes than a truncated sentence, for example. Consider what the technique does specifically, why was it chosen and not others?
- A stronger evaluative aspect. This is a Critical Study Module, so be ready to incorporate a stronger judgement for most questions (for this specific question, not super important, so fair enough)
On the whole, not much to say at all, I think this is a great essay. Some careful polish and adjustment will make it really shine, but you have a super solid foundation you can now build on ;D great work!
THANK YOU!
I will for sure fix up the essay according to the feedback
In regards to the comparison between the poems, should I include more comparison compared to just at the end of every second body para?
Also, what would I get for this essay out of 20 at the moment?
Thanks Again!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 01, 2016, 03:25:59 pm
THANK YOU!
I will for sure fix up the essay according to the feedback
In regards to the comparison between the poems, should I include more comparison compared to just at the end of every second body para?
Also, what would I get for this essay out of 20 at the moment?
Thanks Again!
No problem! It would definitely benefit you to do that, this isn't the comparative module so it isn't super important, but those sorts of links between the two are great inclusions :)
Take my opinion with several large grains of salt, but I'd say you are sitting in the High Band 5/Low Band 6 range, so at a guess, 17-18 ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 01, 2016, 03:27:18 pm
Hi there!
Just a quick question about module C (representing people and politics), should we be using conceptual topic sentences about representation, or instead mentioning ideas specific to our texts?
Thankyou!
Definitely conceptual, though obviously the conceptual ideas can be related to the concepts explored in the text ;D the rule of thumb I use is to never be making any reference to the text in my topic sentence ;D
Post by: Bparker on August 01, 2016, 03:33:53 pm
Definitely conceptual, though obviously the conceptual ideas can be related to the concepts explored in the text ;D the rule of thumb I use is to never be making any reference to the text in my topic sentence ;D
Okay great, thankyou!!
Post by: Sahar8642 on August 01, 2016, 05:31:15 pm
No problem! It would definitely benefit you to do that, this isn't the comparative module so it isn't super important, but those sorts of links between the two are great inclusions :)
Take my opinion with several large grains of salt, but I'd say you are sitting in the High Band 5/Low Band 6 range, so at a guess, 17-18 ;D
Ok thanks! :)
Post by: studybuddy7777 on August 01, 2016, 05:36:28 pm
If you could get me feedback on my module b essay before i have to try and pull something out of thin air tomorrow that would be great! Otherwise i understand... :'(
Its attached in the spoiler below ready to have comments below in bold :)
Thanks so much for doing this on such short notice
Just one quick question- what would this get me out of 20 do you think? Plus any general feedback :D
Spoiler
Cloudstreet essay
In Cloudstreet we see that textual unity is achieved through skilful usage of language, form and structure. Winton has created an epic; a saga which spans twenty years in the lives of the characters. This novel is integrated with significant events that either support of challenge the textual unity, belonging and familial ties each character has. Winton shows us the significance of unity through a variety of events such as Fish drowning and re-drowning, his relationships with other key characters such as Quick and Oriel, the role of the black fella and his contribution to the cohesion of the novel, as well as the endurance of Cloudstreet.
Samson Lamb is nicknamed Fish for 'his wit and alertness' but it is no coincidence his naming of Fish due to his desires for 'the water' after drowning. Ever since Oriel reluctantly brought him back, Fish acts childlike in temporal life and refuses to acknowledge Oriel as his mother. Fish was once everyones' favourite but since the accident he became 'stuck somewhere.. like he's half in and half out' and in his half state of life he has become a spiritually liberated and insightful being. His spiritual half is the main narrator of the novel due to this heightened awareness he has. We, as readers of Winton's Cloudstreet, see Fish in many circumstances of magical realism like the talking pig which he can "understand" the pig and Lester can also hear. Fish also knows what the house is feeling and he can tell because it talks. Though he goes to a variety of people such as 'shrinks', 'quacks', even Lester himself about his condition they are all unsuccessful in decoding Samson Lamb. Fish is an integral part in the unity of the Lambs', the acceptance of the Pickles' and making sure there is complete unity and happiness between the two before he redrowns. This final act of Fish's life brings everyone together and the Lambs' and Pickles' are truly united for the first time in twenty years and the house is undivided. Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words "Fish goes out sighing.. to the water that smacks him kisses when he hits. Down he slopes.. drinking his way into the tumble [of water]" Through the visual and sensory imagery that is present among the onomatopoeic words, Spiritual Fish as narrator is using the language that is commonly associated with Physical Fish, symbolising the fact that the two halves of Fish are now one whole and he is completely unified and so is everyone else. The river is symbolic of baptism, being Fish has supernatural, 'godlike' qualities about him, be it through his heightened awareness or his various cases of magic realism. The river is where everything starts and ends for Fish, and ultimately the whole novel is bookended by this scene. The layered themes of belonging embedded in this scene create a sense of textual unity. Belonging and not belonging is revealed in numerous ways in this scene, which is informed by the rest of the novel, such as belonging to self to family and to the house of Cloudstreet exploited by the character of Fish Lamb. Winton privileges Fish's voice throughout the novel as a spiritual voice of reason, with the uniting of his halves.
Quick blames himself for the accidental drowning of Fish and this is truly justified when the narrator "he knows it should've been him, not Fish.. Fair dinkum Quick Lamb hates himself." Through the colloquialisms Winton uses such as "fair dinkum" coupled with suggestions about Quick's regrets in life, Quick gets established as a classic Aussie battler and a survivor. Even Lester knows Quick blames himself as he says "i blame you. And me. And God.. we were stupid enough to drown him trying to save him." Lester assures Quick in a strange way that the blame isn't entirely on him. It's on everyone. Nevertheless, Quick does not want to endure the hardships of Fish's half death so he drowns them out by putting up pictures of depressed people on his misery wall 'Now and then he would open a newspaper and sees a prisoner of war or crying baby.. and he'll tear it out with care and pin it on the flaky wall to remind himself he is alive and healthy.. and Fish is not."
Cloudstreet is the place, the title and a character which is rare for a novel as houses' do not usually talk or have feelings to express in the novel. 1 Cloud Street is different. It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it." Cloudstreet is similarly personified throughout the text and this adds to the magic realism of the text. "The house ticked all night but didn't got off" stresses suspense and conflict. The characters of Cloudstreet know this as is evident when Oriel says "she wasn't the type to argue with a living, breathing house." Through personifying the text with a heightened introduction of Cloudstreet we see that Winton is planning to use the house as a character which emphasises what a grand, old place it must be. Early in Book III, Cloudstreet existed "back in time" and was owned by a woman who tried to assimilate Aboriginal girls. This is important not only because neither of them wanted to be in the situation (the woman or the girls) but also when the black fella went to sell props at 1 Cloud Street and strongly sensed the evil spirits of the dead woman and girl. The assimilated girl committed suicide and this made the woman evict all of the Aboriginal girls and died with her nose sharply hitting middle C "darkening the room with sound.. until rigor mortis set in"; "God's" way of saying that we are all equal and you should treat everyone equally. These spirits may have been still too haunting for the black man simply because of the nature of what transpired, but the girls could've been from the same tribe, the same family even. The black fella ironically is the only character that does not belong to anyone, yet is the most integral to the novel's cohesion and unification. The cohesion of the novel is also achieved through the multiple layers of meaning Cloudstreet has through its various readings (feminist, marxist, religious are examples.) The novel feels cohesive because of it's circular structure where everything starts and ends at the river scene. The novel Cloudstreet is a saga. Sagas examine a select group of characters over a considerable period of time and tests these characters against a variety of situation. In doing so, they allow for important ideas and philosophies to be established and examined.
In Cloudstreet we see that textual unity is achieved through skilful usage of language, form and structure. Winton has created an epic; a saga which spans twenty years in the lives of the characters. This novel is integrated with significant events that either support of challenge the textual unity, belonging and familial ties each character has. Winton shows us the significance of unity through a variety of events such as Fish drowning and re-drowning, his relationships with other key characters such as Quick and Oriel, the role of the black fella and his contribution to the cohesion of the novel, as well as the endurance of Cloudstreet.
Samson Lamb is nicknamed Fish for 'his wit and alertness' but it is no coincidence his naming of Fish due to his desires for 'the water' after drowning. Ever since Oriel reluctantly brought him back, Fish acts childlike in temporal life and refuses to acknowledge Oriel as his mother. Fish was once everyones' favourite but since the accident he became 'stuck somewhere.. like he's half in and half out' and in his half state of life he has become a spiritually liberated and insightful being. His spiritual half is the main narrator of the novel due to this heightened awareness he has. We, as readers of Winton's Cloudstreet, see Fish in many circumstances of magical realism like the talking pig which he can "understand" the pig and Lester can also hear. Fish also knows what the house is feeling and he can tell because it talks. Though he goes to a variety of people such as 'shrinks', 'quacks', even Lester himself about his condition they are all unsuccessful in decoding Samson Lamb. Fish is an integral part in the unity of the Lambs', the acceptance of the Pickles' and making sure there is complete unity and happiness between the two before he redrowns. This final act of Fish's life brings everyone together and the Lambs' and Pickles' are truly united for the first time in twenty years and the house is undivided. Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words "Fish goes out sighing.. to the water that smacks him kisses when he hits. Down he slopes.. drinking his way into the tumble [of water]" Through the visual and sensory imagery that is present among the onomatopoeic words, Spiritual Fish as narrator is using the language that is commonly associated with Physical Fish, symbolising the fact that the two halves of Fish are now one whole and he is completely unified and so is everyone else. The river is symbolic of baptism, being Fish has supernatural, 'godlike' qualities about him, be it through his heightened awareness or his various cases of magic realism. The river is where everything starts and ends for Fish, and ultimately the whole novel is bookended by this scene. The layered themes of belonging embedded in this scene create a sense of textual unity. Belonging and not belonging is revealed in numerous ways in this scene, which is informed by the rest of the novel, such as belonging to self to family and to the house of Cloudstreet exploited by the character of Fish Lamb. Winton privileges Fish's voice throughout the novel as a spiritual voice of reason, with the uniting of his halves.
Quick blames himself for the accidental drowning of Fish and this is truly justified when the narrator "he knows it should've been him, not Fish.. Fair dinkum Quick Lamb hates himself." Through the colloquialisms Winton uses such as "fair dinkum" coupled with suggestions about Quick's regrets in life, Quick gets established as a classic Aussie battler and a survivor. Even Lester knows Quick blames himself as he says "i blame you. And me. And God.. we were stupid enough to drown him trying to save him." Lester assures Quick in a strange way that the blame isn't entirely on him. It's on everyone. Nevertheless, Quick does not want to endure the hardships of Fish's half death so he drowns them out by putting up pictures of depressed people on his misery wall 'Now and then he would open a newspaper and sees a prisoner of war or crying baby.. and he'll tear it out with care and pin it on the flaky wall to remind himself he is alive and healthy.. and Fish is not."
Cloudstreet is the place, the title and a character which is rare for a novel as houses' do not usually talk or have feelings to express in the novel. 1 Cloud Street is different. It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it." Cloudstreet is similarly personified throughout the text and this adds to the magic realism of the text. "The house ticked all night but didn't got off" stresses suspense and conflict. The characters of Cloudstreet know this as is evident when Oriel says "she wasn't the type to argue with a living, breathing house." Through personifying the text with a heightened introduction of Cloudstreet we see that Winton is planning to use the house as a character which emphasises what a grand, old place it must be. Early in Book III, Cloudstreet existed "back in time" and was owned by a woman who tried to assimilate Aboriginal girls. This is important not only because neither of them wanted to be in the situation (the woman or the girls) but also when the black fella went to sell props at 1 Cloud Street and strongly sensed the evil spirits of the dead woman and girl. The assimilated girl committed suicide and this made the woman evict all of the Aboriginal girls and died with her nose sharply hitting middle C "darkening the room with sound.. until rigor mortis set in"; "God's" way of saying that we are all equal and you should treat everyone equally. These spirits may have been still too haunting for the black man simply because of the nature of what transpired, but the girls could've been from the same tribe, the same family even. The black fella ironically is the only character that does not belong to anyone, yet is the most integral to the novel's cohesion and unification. The cohesion of the novel is also achieved through the multiple layers of meaning Cloudstreet has through its various readings (feminist, marxist, religious are examples.) The novel feels cohesive because of it's circular structure where everything starts and ends at the river scene. The novel Cloudstreet is a saga. Sagas examine a select group of characters over a considerable period of time and tests these characters against a variety of situation. In doing so, they allow for important ideas and philosophies to be established and examined.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 01, 2016, 09:14:26 pm
Hey English modders!!
If you could get me feedback on my module b essay before i have to try and pull something out of thin air tomorrow that would be great! Otherwise i understand... :'(
Its attached in the spoiler below ready to have comments below in bold :)
Thanks so much for doing this on such short notice
Just one quick question- what would this get me out of 20 do you think? Plus any general feedback :D
Hey study buddy! Just a quick run through so you have it at a reasonable time (doesn't count as a full mark for post requirements, not that it matters, you're making heaps of posts anyway) ;D I'll pop the comments at the end of each paragraph so it is more digestible for you! I'm also not giving you a mark out of 20 the night before an exam, it will either make you overconfident or nervous, and I want neither for you! Just take the feedback on its merits, I'll happily tell you where I think it sits tomorrow after the exam ;)
Spoiler
In Cloudstreet we see that textual unity is achieved through skilful usage of language, form and structure. Winton has created an epic; a saga which spans twenty years in the lives of the characters. This novel is integrated with significant events that either support of challenge the textual unity, belonging and familial ties each character has. Winton shows us the significance of unity through a variety of events such as Fish drowning and re-drowning, his relationships with other key characters such as Quick and Oriel, the role of the black fella and his contribution to the cohesion of the novel, as well as the endurance of Cloudstreet. This Thesis is extremely test focused. Try to start with something more conceptual about textual unity, THEN bring in Cloudstreet as an example. Further, remove the description of plot events (retell) and replace them with more conceptual ideas; what does Cloudstreet show its audience and HOW EFFECTIVELY does it show it?
Samson Lamb is nicknamed Fish for 'his wit and alertness' but it is no coincidence his naming of Fish due to his desires for 'the water' after drowning. Ever since Oriel reluctantly brought him back, Fish acts childlike in temporal life and refuses to acknowledge Oriel as his mother. Fish was once everyones' favourite but since the accident he became 'stuck somewhere.. like he's half in and half out' and in his half state of life he has become a spiritually liberated and insightful being. His spiritual half is the main narrator of the novel due to this heightened awareness he has. We, as readers of Winton's Cloudstreet, see Fish in many circumstances of magical realism like the talking pig which he can "understand" the pig and Lester can also hear. Fish also knows what the house is feeling and he can tell because it talks. Though he goes to a variety of people such as 'shrinks', 'quacks', even Lester himself about his condition they are all unsuccessful in decoding Samson Lamb. Fish is an integral part in the unity of the Lambs', the acceptance of the Pickles' and making sure there is complete unity and happiness between the two before he redrowns. This final act of Fish's life brings everyone together and the Lambs' and Pickles' are truly united for the first time in twenty years and the house is undivided. Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words "Fish goes out sighing.. to the water that smacks him kisses when he hits. Down he slopes.. drinking his way into the tumble [of water]" Through the visual and sensory imagery that is present among the onomatopoeic words, Spiritual Fish as narrator is using the language that is commonly associated with Physical Fish, symbolising the fact that the two halves of Fish are now one whole and he is completely unified and so is everyone else. The river is symbolic of baptism, being Fish has supernatural, 'godlike' qualities about him, be it through his heightened awareness or his various cases of magic realism. The river is where everything starts and ends for Fish, and ultimately the whole novel is bookended by this scene. The layered themes of belonging embedded in this scene create a sense of textual unity. Belonging and not belonging is revealed in numerous ways in this scene, which is informed by the rest of the novel, such as belonging to self to family and to the house of Cloudstreet exploited by the character of Fish Lamb. Winton privileges Fish's voice throughout the novel as a spiritual voice of reason, with the uniting of his halves. The first half of this paragraph is heavy with textual retell, you are just describing what happens in the novel with regard to the character of Fish. While you are approaching this as a character focused paragraph, I don't want to know what happens with the character and why it is important to the novel. I want more of what you do in the second half of the paragraph. The first technique you used is in "Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words..." Over halfway through the paragraph. Less of the first half, more of the second half!
Quick blames himself for the accidental drowning of Fish and this is truly justified when the narrator "he knows it should've been him, not Fish.. Fair dinkum Quick Lamb hates himself." Through the colloquialisms Winton uses such as "fair dinkum" coupled with suggestions about Quick's regrets in life, Quick gets established as a classic Aussie battler and a survivor. Even Lester knows Quick blames himself as he says "i blame you. And me. And God.. we were stupid enough to drown him trying to save him." Lester assures Quick in a strange way that the blame isn't entirely on him. It's on everyone. Nevertheless, Quick does not want to endure the hardships of Fish's half death so he drowns them out by putting up pictures of depressed people on his misery wall 'Now and then he would open a newspaper and sees a prisoner of war or crying baby.. and he'll tear it out with care and pin it on the flaky wall to remind himself he is alive and healthy.. and Fish is not." Another heavily retell based paragraph, but you have good ideas in here. This paragraph seems very short compared to your others, thus, it feels out of place. Ensure you are analysing not retelling. For example, when you talk about the characterisation of Quick, you need to add onto the end "and a survivor, thus showing the audience _______." Show me what the composer shows the audience about some concept.
Cloudstreet is the place, the title and a character which is rare for a novel as houses' do not usually talk or have feelings to express in the novel. 1 Cloud Street is different. It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it." Cloudstreet is similarly personified throughout the text and this adds to the magic realism of the text. "The house ticked all night but didn't got off" stresses suspense and conflict. The characters of Cloudstreet know this as is evident when Oriel says "she wasn't the type to argue with a living, breathing house." Through personifying the text with a heightened introduction of Cloudstreet we see that Winton is planning to use the house as a character which emphasises what a grand, old place it must be. Early in Book III, Cloudstreet existed "back in time" and was owned by a woman who tried to assimilate Aboriginal girls. This is important not only because neither of them wanted to be in the situation (the woman or the girls) but also when the black fella went to sell props at 1 Cloud Street and strongly sensed the evil spirits of the dead woman and girl. The assimilated girl committed suicide and this made the woman evict all of the Aboriginal girls and died with her nose sharply hitting middle C "darkening the room with sound.. until rigor mortis set in"; "God's" way of saying that we are all equal and you should treat everyone equally. These spirits may have been still too haunting for the black man simply because of the nature of what transpired, but the girls could've been from the same tribe, the same family even. The black fella ironically is the only character that does not belong to anyone, yet is the most integral to the novel's cohesion and unification. The cohesion of the novel is also achieved through the multiple layers of meaning Cloudstreet has through its various readings (feminist, marxist, religious are examples.) The novel feels cohesive because of it's circular structure where everything starts and ends at the river scene. The novel Cloudstreet is a saga. Sagas examine a select group of characters over a considerable period of time and tests these characters against a variety of situation. In doing so, they allow for important ideas and philosophies to be established and examined. Ensure every paragraph is properly introduced with a concept or a rationale, don't go straight into the text, give me a reason that you want to discuss it. In the paragraph, again, lots of retell. I'm looking for how the composer has used techniques to create meaning. What do the techniques do? Things like "this adds to the magic realism of the text" is what I'm after. Remember, the marker has read our text, don't write anything that they already know.
Make sure you have a conclusion! Summarise your ideas and re-link to the module.
Samson Lamb is nicknamed Fish for 'his wit and alertness' but it is no coincidence his naming of Fish due to his desires for 'the water' after drowning. Ever since Oriel reluctantly brought him back, Fish acts childlike in temporal life and refuses to acknowledge Oriel as his mother. Fish was once everyones' favourite but since the accident he became 'stuck somewhere.. like he's half in and half out' and in his half state of life he has become a spiritually liberated and insightful being. His spiritual half is the main narrator of the novel due to this heightened awareness he has. We, as readers of Winton's Cloudstreet, see Fish in many circumstances of magical realism like the talking pig which he can "understand" the pig and Lester can also hear. Fish also knows what the house is feeling and he can tell because it talks. Though he goes to a variety of people such as 'shrinks', 'quacks', even Lester himself about his condition they are all unsuccessful in decoding Samson Lamb. Fish is an integral part in the unity of the Lambs', the acceptance of the Pickles' and making sure there is complete unity and happiness between the two before he redrowns. This final act of Fish's life brings everyone together and the Lambs' and Pickles' are truly united for the first time in twenty years and the house is undivided. Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words "Fish goes out sighing.. to the water that smacks him kisses when he hits. Down he slopes.. drinking his way into the tumble [of water]" Through the visual and sensory imagery that is present among the onomatopoeic words, Spiritual Fish as narrator is using the language that is commonly associated with Physical Fish, symbolising the fact that the two halves of Fish are now one whole and he is completely unified and so is everyone else. The river is symbolic of baptism, being Fish has supernatural, 'godlike' qualities about him, be it through his heightened awareness or his various cases of magic realism. The river is where everything starts and ends for Fish, and ultimately the whole novel is bookended by this scene. The layered themes of belonging embedded in this scene create a sense of textual unity. Belonging and not belonging is revealed in numerous ways in this scene, which is informed by the rest of the novel, such as belonging to self to family and to the house of Cloudstreet exploited by the character of Fish Lamb. Winton privileges Fish's voice throughout the novel as a spiritual voice of reason, with the uniting of his halves. The first half of this paragraph is heavy with textual retell, you are just describing what happens in the novel with regard to the character of Fish. While you are approaching this as a character focused paragraph, I don't want to know what happens with the character and why it is important to the novel. I want more of what you do in the second half of the paragraph. The first technique you used is in "Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words..." Over halfway through the paragraph. Less of the first half, more of the second half!
Quick blames himself for the accidental drowning of Fish and this is truly justified when the narrator "he knows it should've been him, not Fish.. Fair dinkum Quick Lamb hates himself." Through the colloquialisms Winton uses such as "fair dinkum" coupled with suggestions about Quick's regrets in life, Quick gets established as a classic Aussie battler and a survivor. Even Lester knows Quick blames himself as he says "i blame you. And me. And God.. we were stupid enough to drown him trying to save him." Lester assures Quick in a strange way that the blame isn't entirely on him. It's on everyone. Nevertheless, Quick does not want to endure the hardships of Fish's half death so he drowns them out by putting up pictures of depressed people on his misery wall 'Now and then he would open a newspaper and sees a prisoner of war or crying baby.. and he'll tear it out with care and pin it on the flaky wall to remind himself he is alive and healthy.. and Fish is not." Another heavily retell based paragraph, but you have good ideas in here. This paragraph seems very short compared to your others, thus, it feels out of place. Ensure you are analysing not retelling. For example, when you talk about the characterisation of Quick, you need to add onto the end "and a survivor, thus showing the audience _______." Show me what the composer shows the audience about some concept.
Cloudstreet is the place, the title and a character which is rare for a novel as houses' do not usually talk or have feelings to express in the novel. 1 Cloud Street is different. It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it." Cloudstreet is similarly personified throughout the text and this adds to the magic realism of the text. "The house ticked all night but didn't got off" stresses suspense and conflict. The characters of Cloudstreet know this as is evident when Oriel says "she wasn't the type to argue with a living, breathing house." Through personifying the text with a heightened introduction of Cloudstreet we see that Winton is planning to use the house as a character which emphasises what a grand, old place it must be. Early in Book III, Cloudstreet existed "back in time" and was owned by a woman who tried to assimilate Aboriginal girls. This is important not only because neither of them wanted to be in the situation (the woman or the girls) but also when the black fella went to sell props at 1 Cloud Street and strongly sensed the evil spirits of the dead woman and girl. The assimilated girl committed suicide and this made the woman evict all of the Aboriginal girls and died with her nose sharply hitting middle C "darkening the room with sound.. until rigor mortis set in"; "God's" way of saying that we are all equal and you should treat everyone equally. These spirits may have been still too haunting for the black man simply because of the nature of what transpired, but the girls could've been from the same tribe, the same family even. The black fella ironically is the only character that does not belong to anyone, yet is the most integral to the novel's cohesion and unification. The cohesion of the novel is also achieved through the multiple layers of meaning Cloudstreet has through its various readings (feminist, marxist, religious are examples.) The novel feels cohesive because of it's circular structure where everything starts and ends at the river scene. The novel Cloudstreet is a saga. Sagas examine a select group of characters over a considerable period of time and tests these characters against a variety of situation. In doing so, they allow for important ideas and philosophies to be established and examined. Ensure every paragraph is properly introduced with a concept or a rationale, don't go straight into the text, give me a reason that you want to discuss it. In the paragraph, again, lots of retell. I'm looking for how the composer has used techniques to create meaning. What do the techniques do? Things like "this adds to the magic realism of the text" is what I'm after. Remember, the marker has read our text, don't write anything that they already know.
Make sure you have a conclusion! Summarise your ideas and re-link to the module.
Keeping in mind your exam is tomorrow, some easy bits of feedbacks:
- Remove textual retell. For example; It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it. That is just telling me something about the novel, I don't need this (remember the marker has read your text). Eliminate this and focus on the sentences where you have a technique and explain something about your interpretation of the text
- Ensure all paragraphs have an introduction; set up a concept, give me a rationale about why you are discussing the text in this paragraph. Equally, ensure every paragraph finishes with a summative conclusion.
- Ensure your essay has a conclusion
- The first sentence of each paragraph should be completely conceptual and so should NOT mention the text at all, if that is possible
- Add adverbs to develop an evaluative aspect to your essay. This is a Module B response, most questions will require a judgement of the composers effectiveness. Adding an "effectively" or a "powerful" or some other evaluative adverb/descriptor to your sentences, and establishing this a little in your Thesis, should suffice ;D
I hope this helps a tad! Don't stress too much about this now, focus on memorising your quotes/techniques and getting a good amount of rest. Those who know their texts well and can analyse them will do well. Therefore, if you know quotes and techniques, that is the best service you can give yourself, so that's where you should focus ;D
Post by: Sssssrr on August 01, 2016, 09:28:21 pm
Thanks so much, sam.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 01, 2016, 09:31:41 pm
Hi there, here is my essay for module c, could you please give me some feedback for me to work on. Also, the first body paragraph is too large, so i was wondering which technique from that paragraph is least effective and therefore can be removed.
Thanks so much, sam.
Hey Sam! Thanks for posting your essay, welcome to the forums!! Be sure to let me know if you need anything ;D
Unfortunately you have not met the posting requirements to receive feedback. We have a post exchange policy in place to make sure the service doesn't get too clogged (essay marking rules available here). It is 15 posts per essay, so if you hang around the forums for a bit, ask a few questions and have a chat (make your first post here if you like), then you'll get there really quick! Just let me know when you reach the post count, thanks in advance! ;D
Post by: foodmood16 on August 05, 2016, 04:50:10 pm
Post by: ssarahj on August 05, 2016, 04:55:54 pm
Hey, this is my Mod C essay on People and Politics. I only just did the assessment task this week so any feedback would be great, thankyou :)
Hey foodmood16! Unfortunately you haven't quite met the posting requirements to receive feedback. The post exchange policy is explained here Free Essay Marking Explanation and Policies but in short it's 15 posts per essay, so if you hang around the forums for a bit longer you'll be up to 15 in no time! Just let us know when you reach the post count and your essay will be marked. Thanks! ;D
Post by: studybuddy7777 on August 05, 2016, 08:22:16 pm
Hey study buddy! Just a quick run through so you have it at a reasonable time (doesn't count as a full mark for post requirements, not that it matters, you're making heaps of posts anyway) ;D I'll pop the comments at the end of each paragraph so it is more digestible for you! I'm also not giving you a mark out of 20 the night before an exam, it will either make you overconfident or nervous, and I want neither for you! Just take the feedback on its merits, I'll happily tell you where I think it sits tomorrow after the exam ;)SpoilerIn Cloudstreet we see that textual unity is achieved through skilful usage of language, form and structure. Winton has created an epic; a saga which spans twenty years in the lives of the characters. This novel is integrated with significant events that either support of challenge the textual unity, belonging and familial ties each character has. Winton shows us the significance of unity through a variety of events such as Fish drowning and re-drowning, his relationships with other key characters such as Quick and Oriel, the role of the black fella and his contribution to the cohesion of the novel, as well as the endurance of Cloudstreet. This Thesis is extremely test focused. Try to start with something more conceptual about textual unity, THEN bring in Cloudstreet as an example. Further, remove the description of plot events (retell) and replace them with more conceptual ideas; what does Cloudstreet show its audience and HOW EFFECTIVELY does it show it?
Samson Lamb is nicknamed Fish for 'his wit and alertness' but it is no coincidence his naming of Fish due to his desires for 'the water' after drowning. Ever since Oriel reluctantly brought him back, Fish acts childlike in temporal life and refuses to acknowledge Oriel as his mother. Fish was once everyones' favourite but since the accident he became 'stuck somewhere.. like he's half in and half out' and in his half state of life he has become a spiritually liberated and insightful being. His spiritual half is the main narrator of the novel due to this heightened awareness he has. We, as readers of Winton's Cloudstreet, see Fish in many circumstances of magical realism like the talking pig which he can "understand" the pig and Lester can also hear. Fish also knows what the house is feeling and he can tell because it talks. Though he goes to a variety of people such as 'shrinks', 'quacks', even Lester himself about his condition they are all unsuccessful in decoding Samson Lamb. Fish is an integral part in the unity of the Lambs', the acceptance of the Pickles' and making sure there is complete unity and happiness between the two before he redrowns. This final act of Fish's life brings everyone together and the Lambs' and Pickles' are truly united for the first time in twenty years and the house is undivided. Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words "Fish goes out sighing.. to the water that smacks him kisses when he hits. Down he slopes.. drinking his way into the tumble [of water]" Through the visual and sensory imagery that is present among the onomatopoeic words, Spiritual Fish as narrator is using the language that is commonly associated with Physical Fish, symbolising the fact that the two halves of Fish are now one whole and he is completely unified and so is everyone else. The river is symbolic of baptism, being Fish has supernatural, 'godlike' qualities about him, be it through his heightened awareness or his various cases of magic realism. The river is where everything starts and ends for Fish, and ultimately the whole novel is bookended by this scene. The layered themes of belonging embedded in this scene create a sense of textual unity. Belonging and not belonging is revealed in numerous ways in this scene, which is informed by the rest of the novel, such as belonging to self to family and to the house of Cloudstreet exploited by the character of Fish Lamb. Winton privileges Fish's voice throughout the novel as a spiritual voice of reason, with the uniting of his halves. The first half of this paragraph is heavy with textual retell, you are just describing what happens in the novel with regard to the character of Fish. While you are approaching this as a character focused paragraph, I don't want to know what happens with the character and why it is important to the novel. I want more of what you do in the second half of the paragraph. The first technique you used is in "Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words..." Over halfway through the paragraph. Less of the first half, more of the second half!
Quick blames himself for the accidental drowning of Fish and this is truly justified when the narrator "he knows it should've been him, not Fish.. Fair dinkum Quick Lamb hates himself." Through the colloquialisms Winton uses such as "fair dinkum" coupled with suggestions about Quick's regrets in life, Quick gets established as a classic Aussie battler and a survivor. Even Lester knows Quick blames himself as he says "i blame you. And me. And God.. we were stupid enough to drown him trying to save him." Lester assures Quick in a strange way that the blame isn't entirely on him. It's on everyone. Nevertheless, Quick does not want to endure the hardships of Fish's half death so he drowns them out by putting up pictures of depressed people on his misery wall 'Now and then he would open a newspaper and sees a prisoner of war or crying baby.. and he'll tear it out with care and pin it on the flaky wall to remind himself he is alive and healthy.. and Fish is not." Another heavily retell based paragraph, but you have good ideas in here. This paragraph seems very short compared to your others, thus, it feels out of place. Ensure you are analysing not retelling. For example, when you talk about the characterisation of Quick, you need to add onto the end "and a survivor, thus showing the audience _______." Show me what the composer shows the audience about some concept.
Cloudstreet is the place, the title and a character which is rare for a novel as houses' do not usually talk or have feelings to express in the novel. 1 Cloud Street is different. It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it." Cloudstreet is similarly personified throughout the text and this adds to the magic realism of the text. "The house ticked all night but didn't got off" stresses suspense and conflict. The characters of Cloudstreet know this as is evident when Oriel says "she wasn't the type to argue with a living, breathing house." Through personifying the text with a heightened introduction of Cloudstreet we see that Winton is planning to use the house as a character which emphasises what a grand, old place it must be. Early in Book III, Cloudstreet existed "back in time" and was owned by a woman who tried to assimilate Aboriginal girls. This is important not only because neither of them wanted to be in the situation (the woman or the girls) but also when the black fella went to sell props at 1 Cloud Street and strongly sensed the evil spirits of the dead woman and girl. The assimilated girl committed suicide and this made the woman evict all of the Aboriginal girls and died with her nose sharply hitting middle C "darkening the room with sound.. until rigor mortis set in"; "God's" way of saying that we are all equal and you should treat everyone equally. These spirits may have been still too haunting for the black man simply because of the nature of what transpired, but the girls could've been from the same tribe, the same family even. The black fella ironically is the only character that does not belong to anyone, yet is the most integral to the novel's cohesion and unification. The cohesion of the novel is also achieved through the multiple layers of meaning Cloudstreet has through its various readings (feminist, marxist, religious are examples.) The novel feels cohesive because of it's circular structure where everything starts and ends at the river scene. The novel Cloudstreet is a saga. Sagas examine a select group of characters over a considerable period of time and tests these characters against a variety of situation. In doing so, they allow for important ideas and philosophies to be established and examined. Ensure every paragraph is properly introduced with a concept or a rationale, don't go straight into the text, give me a reason that you want to discuss it. In the paragraph, again, lots of retell. I'm looking for how the composer has used techniques to create meaning. What do the techniques do? Things like "this adds to the magic realism of the text" is what I'm after. Remember, the marker has read our text, don't write anything that they already know.
Make sure you have a conclusion! Summarise your ideas and re-link to the module.
Keeping in mind your exam is tomorrow, some easy bits of feedbacks:
- Remove textual retell. For example; It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it. That is just telling me something about the novel, I don't need this (remember the marker has read your text). Eliminate this and focus on the sentences where you have a technique and explain something about your interpretation of the text
- Ensure all paragraphs have an introduction; set up a concept, give me a rationale about why you are discussing the text in this paragraph. Equally, ensure every paragraph finishes with a summative conclusion.
- Ensure your essay has a conclusion
- The first sentence of each paragraph should be completely conceptual and so should NOT mention the text at all, if that is possible
- Add adverbs to develop an evaluative aspect to your essay. This is a Module B response, most questions will require a judgement of the composers effectiveness. Adding an "effectively" or a "powerful" or some other evaluative adverb/descriptor to your sentences, and establishing this a little in your Thesis, should suffice ;D
I hope this helps a tad! Don't stress too much about this now, focus on memorising your quotes/techniques and getting a good amount of rest. Those who know their texts well and can analyse them will do well. Therefore, if you know quotes and techniques, that is the best service you can give yourself, so that's where you should focus ;D
Oops I forgot I had submitted this! Thanks for getting it back to me so quickly and sorry that I took so long to remember/reply. I havent even looked at it yet but I know it will be great so thanks for amazing feedback! #legend ;)
P.S. Would I be able to have a mark /20 now? I already submitted this and got the mark back just interested in other peoples markings..
P.P.S. I didnt end up using this question in my trial exam anyway as we could only do two characters!
P.P.P.S I never put conclusions in my drafts, i just simply make them up on the day
P.P.P.P.S After reading the feedback you are even more amazing!!
P.P.P.P.P.S No more PS's ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 05, 2016, 08:42:05 pm
Oops I forgot I had submitted this! Thanks for getting it back to me so quickly and sorry that I took so long to remember/reply. I havent even looked at it yet but I know it will be great so thanks for amazing feedback! #legend ;)
P.S. Would I be able to have a mark /20 now? I already submitted this and got the mark back just interested in other peoples markings..
P.P.S. I didnt end up using this question in my trial exam anyway as we could only do two characters!
P.P.P.S I never put conclusions in my drafts, i just simply make them up on the day
P.P.P.P.S After reading the feedback you are even more amazing!!
P.P.P.P.P.S No more PS's ;D
Ahaha no worries at all! Yes I've heard how bad the Module B question was :P
Without giving it another full read through (and forgiving the absence of the conclusion), right now I'd put it at perhaps the crossover between a Band 4 and a Band 5, maybe a 13? Give or take :)
Post by: studybuddy7777 on August 06, 2016, 07:52:56 am
Ahaha no worries at all! Yes I've heard how bad the Module B question was :P
Without giving it another full read through (and forgiving the absence of the conclusion), right now I'd put it at perhaps the crossover between a Band 4 and a Band 5, maybe a 13? Give or take :)
Oh yep okay my teacher gave me a 15/20 for that one (with a conclusion) :D I had to regurgitate all that plus more on to several pages in 40 minutes.. Writing non stop the whole time and only just finished.
Good to see how other people mark it though :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 06, 2016, 02:11:54 pm
Oh yep okay my teacher gave me a 15/20 for that one (with a conclusion) :D I had to regurgitate all that plus more on to several pages in 40 minutes.. Writing non stop the whole time and only just finished.
Good to see how other people mark it though :)
Cool! I'm a harsh marker so that sounds about right ;) sounds like you did really well! Happy to give the feedback ;D
Post by: studybuddy7777 on August 06, 2016, 02:15:34 pm
Post by: VanDani on August 06, 2016, 04:46:32 pm
Shakespeare’s Hamlet engages its audience through its exploration of personal crisis; to what extent does your interpretation of Hamlet align with this view?
Shakespeare’s Hamlet explores the universality of personal crisis through both physical and perpetual representation of human mortality and morality. Through Shakespeare’s comprehensive expression of the tensions between Renaissance Humanism, religious orthodoxy and aristocratic responsibility, an audience is moved to a deeper acceptance of the atypical revenge hero’s contradictory rhetoric and actions. As a result of the play’s enduring representation of the complexity of human mortality, the contemporary audience can still be thoroughly invested and engaged in Shakespeare’s perplexing representation of the human issue, that of convoluted and conflicting ideologies and the illustration of personal crisis. Ultimately, Hamlet’s indecisive moral crisis serves as both his distinguishing Renaissance humanist feature, and the flaw that leads to his eventual destruction.
Shakespeare represents the milieu of Elsinore and the contextual relevance of the Elizabethan era as a defining factor in Hamlet’s internal disjuncture. Shakespeare’s illustration of Elsinore as an “unweeded garden”, torn apart by regicide, demonstrates the relative inability of the environment to facilitate stability for Hamlet. Additionally, the transitionary context of the Elizabethan age fuses feudal and modern ideals, Maynard Mack states, “Hamlet’s world… reverberates with questions,” thus, its uncertainty compounds hamlets ponderous nature. Consequently, Hamlet, who is innately a contemporarily thoughtful man, hesitates when confronted with his feudal task of revenge. This inherent humanism is displayed through dramatic monologue as he questions, “What a piece of work is man.”As he reflects on humanity as “noble in reason” and “infinite in faculties,” Hamlet comes to the realisation that, within his current moral framework, he is unable to take a life. However, his impotence to abandon his task, due to his fundamental duty to his late father; traps him within a vice of procrastination. As such, the transition of Elsinore into the modern era deprives Hamlet of the stability he requires to negotiate the morality of his task, which is prevented by his humanist tendencies.
Despite his modern ideological leanings, the contextual power of Christian morality is still readily apparent in Hamlet’s preoccupation with sin and divine judgement. This power is evident through his incapability to kill Claudius while he is praying, as he avoids sending “this same villain to heaven.” Therefore, Hamlet is faced with the paradox that killing Claudius would result in the spiritual sin of regicide, whilst not killing him would be an immoral sin against his father. Further self doubt is caused through Hamlet’s self-destructive desire for death, and the ultimate relief it would bring from his moral antagonism. This is exhibited as he contemplates that his “sullied flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew,” as he longs for freedom for his duty without directly neglecting it. However, his fear of “what dreams may come...must give us pause,” indicates his apprehension towards the eternal condemnation that would follow his suicide. Therefore, Hamlet is unable to find solace in Christian tradition, and instead is further detached from his duty, and is deeply wracked with guilt at the thought of immorality.
Hamlet’s stifling indecision is represented as his personal crisis within the play as a whole, requiring resolution in order to achieve progress. Thus, this culminates in his antic disposition; which is demonstrated as a reflection of the internal disjuncture which has driven him throughout the play. Hamlet’s metatheatrical performance of The Murder of Gonzago exhibits an ultimate representation of his insanity, as he aims to “catch the conscience of the King.” However, despite the culmination of these measures, what truly coerces his eventual transformation is his recognition of his own mortality. Thusly, this is explored through the perpetual imagery of Yorick’s skull, Hamlet realises that “a man’s life [is] no more than to say ‘one’,” and as such, his moral deliberation is futile. As Henry Mackenzie notes, “the imminence...prompts Hamlet’s actions,” which in turn, enables him to become the atypical revenge hero he has long aspired to be. Hence, his cathartic death, subsequent to his fulfilment of his filial duty, therefore relieves him of the tension and struggle that has characterised his passage throughout the play, and as such, ultimately allows him to achieve peace.
In Conclusion, Shakespeare’s Hamlet engages and involves contemporary audiences through the perplexing conflicts between religious responsibility, filial duty and expression of renaissance humanism. Through these three pillars, the representation of personal crisis can be thoroughly explored. Moreover, it is Hamlet’s hesitative internal antagonism that serves as his fundamental humanist trait, and as such, it inevitably culminates to his downfall.
Post by: ssarahj on August 06, 2016, 04:55:57 pm
Module B Essay - English ADV
Shakespeare’s Hamlet engages its audience through its exploration of personal crisis; to what extent does your interpretation of Hamlet align with this view?
Hey VanDani, welcome to the forums! Unfortunately you haven't met the posting requirements to receive feedback. The post exchange policy is explained here Free Essay Marking Explanation and Policies but in short it's 15 posts per essay, so if you hang around the forums for a bit you'll be up to 15 in no time (check out this thread if you like: Make Your First Post! ) Just let us know when you reach the post count and your essay will be marked. Thanks! ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 07, 2016, 11:25:36 pm
I wanted to ask for the 15 points rule is that an accumulation of the total your posts or 15 posts
after each response being marked?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 08, 2016, 12:31:15 am
Hi I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my response :)
I wanted to ask for the 15 points rule is that an accumulation of the total your posts or 15 posts
after each response being marked?
Definitely! On my to do list ;D and it's accumulative within reason, like, if you haven't posted in 6 months then we might ask you to post some more, but you are definitely sweet ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 08, 2016, 09:18:44 am
Definitely! On my to do list ;D and it's accumulative within reason, like, if you haven't posted in 6 months then we might ask you to post some more, but you are definitely sweet ;D
;D thank you
the more feedback the better because I'm still rather confused on how approach the question
on how perspective can be constructed
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 08, 2016, 12:20:36 pm
Hi I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my response :)
No problem, feedback is attached!
Spoiler
‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society without losing their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. Fantastic introduction to the text. Pung conveys this particular perspective through the structure of her autobiography illustrating her personal growth in character, the effective use of language features and her point of view. Good introduction, but I'm missing a central THESIS. Try to start your essay with a big idea, some main thing you want the essay to be about. Essentially, the perspective you want to analyse. Then, bring in the text as an example of your Thesis. By adding something more conceptual to the start of your introduction, you put the focus on conceptual rather than textual concerns.
One major structure in ‘Unpolished Gem’ follows Alice’s growth from a child to an adult as she adapts to the english language as part of Australian culture. Retell, and further, this doesn't really qualify as a "structure," it is just a story arc. English was something that a young Alice Pung struggled with pronunciating fluently. Retell. To emphasise her struggle Pung utilises dialogue to illustrate her broken english with a spoof accent ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit’. Alice’s struggle with english was further emphasised by Pung’s point of view that ‘Initially as a child English was a foreign language “foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder...” Retell. Despite initial difficulty with English Pung was able to adapt and learn English during her schooling however a as result of acculturation Pung was later unable to communicate in her mother tongue “littered their language with English Terms, until every second word was in the foreign.” Retell, you are telling us what happened in the text, but remember, your marker has read the text! These contrasting events in Pung’s life changing from being unable to communicate coherently using english to her fading ability to speak her mother tongue expresses a disconnect from her ethnic roots despite her efforts to assimilate. This is a good conceptual statement, but you aren't analysing to back it up! Alice’s integration into Australian culture seems to cause her Chinese/Cambodian roots to fade.This is depicted through Alice’s mother lamenting ‘Mine can’t speak to me anymore’ which is further reinforced by Alice saying ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ and ‘Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’. Technique for these quotes? Pung’s effective use of dialogue in particular events in her life encapsulates perspective of the struggles experienced by other second generation migrants as they battle with the conflict losing their traditional migrant roots as they assimilate into Australian culture. Some neat conceptual ideas here, but the approach is a little too text focused.
One major structure in ‘Unpolished Gem’ follows Alice’s growth from a child to an adult as she adapts to the english language as part of Australian culture. Retell, and further, this doesn't really qualify as a "structure," it is just a story arc. English was something that a young Alice Pung struggled with pronunciating fluently. Retell. To emphasise her struggle Pung utilises dialogue to illustrate her broken english with a spoof accent ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit’. Alice’s struggle with english was further emphasised by Pung’s point of view that ‘Initially as a child English was a foreign language “foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder...” Retell. Despite initial difficulty with English Pung was able to adapt and learn English during her schooling however a as result of acculturation Pung was later unable to communicate in her mother tongue “littered their language with English Terms, until every second word was in the foreign.” Retell, you are telling us what happened in the text, but remember, your marker has read the text! These contrasting events in Pung’s life changing from being unable to communicate coherently using english to her fading ability to speak her mother tongue expresses a disconnect from her ethnic roots despite her efforts to assimilate. This is a good conceptual statement, but you aren't analysing to back it up! Alice’s integration into Australian culture seems to cause her Chinese/Cambodian roots to fade.This is depicted through Alice’s mother lamenting ‘Mine can’t speak to me anymore’ which is further reinforced by Alice saying ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ and ‘Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’. Technique for these quotes? Pung’s effective use of dialogue in particular events in her life encapsulates perspective of the struggles experienced by other second generation migrants as they battle with the conflict losing their traditional migrant roots as they assimilate into Australian culture. Some neat conceptual ideas here, but the approach is a little too text focused.
You have some good ideas here, but the big piece of feedback I have is that your response is too text focused.
What I mean by this is, you are essentially recounting the details of the text and then linking your ideas to these details. While the ideas are fantastic, linking them to the plot or characters is not effective analysis, it turns into textual retell. Remember, your marker has read the text, you don't need to tell them what happened. Further, this response is constructing a perspective. How do we do that?
Composers construct perspectives with techniques. Similes, metaphors, imagery, alliteration, dialogue, etc etc. Instead of just recounting the text, your response needs to explore how techniques have been used by the composer to create a perspective. What that perspective is, that's up to you (and you give me an idea of it in your introduction already). Your sentences should look something like this:
The composers use of TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," develops the perspective of BLAH.
No plot details, no riff raft, just techniques and an explanation of how they work! Be sure to also link this to the audience where possible. See your criteria:
Explains clearly how language features, text structures and stylistic choices communicate a particular perspective.
Who is the composer communicating to? The audience, so that's a vital part as well ;D
As you continue to expand the response (more body paragraphs and a conclusion) I'll be able to chat more about things like structure, maintaining a Thesis, etc, but removing retell should be your focus for the moment ;D that and being a little more conceptual in your Thesis, which I mention above ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 08, 2016, 05:26:38 pm
‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society without losing their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. The prevalent pursue of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a generational chasm due to Australia’s cultural influences on second generation migrants. Alice delves into the perspective of fellow second generation migrants who struggle to adapt to Australia’s culture as her own ethnicity is eroded by western influences. Pung conveys this perspective persistently in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through language features, text structures and stylistic choices.
Post by: ssarahj on August 08, 2016, 05:48:27 pm
Would this be better? Then would you integrate language features, text structures and stylistic choices in each paragraph?
1. Discuss how Unpolished Gem has been constructed to present a particular perspective.
‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society without losing their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. The prevalent pursue of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a generational chasm due to Australia’s cultural influences on second generation migrants. Alice delves into the perspective of fellow second generation migrants who struggle to adapt to Australia’s culture as her own ethnicity is eroded by western influences. Pung conveys this perspective persistently in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through language features, text structures and stylistic choices.
Hey anotherworld2b! I just saw your intro and I thought it would be quicker for you if I gave you some feedback.
Spoiler
‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society without losing their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. (could be reworded to be clearer e.g. "... into Australian society and their quest to hold onto their...")The prevalent pursue pursuit of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a generational chasm due to Australia’s cultural influences on second generation migrants. You could reword this to be simpler: "... causing a chasm between generations of migrants" since you mention 'influences' later on. Alice Pung (Just refer to the composer by her last name from here on.) delves into the perspective of fellow second generation migrants who struggle to adapt to Australia’s culture as her own ethnicity is eroded by Western influences. Pung conveys this perspective persistently in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through language features, text structures and stylistic choices.
Your choice of language here is great (only some minor nit picky corrections to maintain the flow) and I can see a definite improvement in this intro compared to the one Jamon marked earlier today! I'm pretty familiar with the concepts you're talking about (my module for Year 12 Extension 1 incorporates a lot of cross-cultural stuff etc.) and I'm impressed with how you're expressing these big, complex ideas so succinctly. Keep working at polishing the rest of your response and feel free to post it back up for Jamon to have another look!
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 08, 2016, 07:18:02 pm
I really appreciate your feedback ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 08, 2016, 07:46:47 pm
Would this be better? Then would you integrate language features, text structures and stylistic choices in each paragraph?
1. Discuss how Unpolished Gem has been constructed to present a particular perspective.
‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society without losing their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. The prevalent pursue of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a generational chasm due to Australia’s cultural influences on second generation migrants. Alice delves into the perspective of fellow second generation migrants who struggle to adapt to Australia’s culture as her own ethnicity is eroded by western influences. Pung conveys this perspective persistently in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through language features, text structures and stylistic choices.
I agree with Sarah, definitely a great revision, good work! I'm still looking for the development of a Thesis. Take your big idea of assimilation (without the specifics), and write it as your first sentence.
EG - Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals, whose perspectives are challenged by _______________ (do your thing). Indeed, ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by... (launch into the rest of your paragraph).
Getting that Thesis established early will be super important for maintaining a solid argument as your response develops! ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 08, 2016, 09:21:30 pm
I was wondering what do you mean by 'perspectives are challenged by...' would it be in regards to language features, text structures and stylistic choices?
I agree with Sarah, definitely a great revision, good work! I'm still looking for the development of a Thesis. Take your big idea of assimilation (without the specifics), and write it as your first sentence.
EG - Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals, whose perspectives are challenged by _______________ (do your thing). Indeed, ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by... (launch into the rest of your paragraph).
Getting that Thesis established early will be super important for maintaining a solid argument as your response develops! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 08, 2016, 11:48:46 pm
Thank you so much for your feedback :D
I was wondering what do you mean by 'perspectives are challenged by...' would it be in regards to language features, text structures and stylistic choices?
I was just giving a rough example, I didn't mean anything by it specifically, you could link it to that though if you like! ;D or you could link it to the concept itself. But you shouldn't use my wording specifically, instead come up with your own! Communicate whatever concept you want to ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 09, 2016, 12:25:17 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 09, 2016, 02:35:18 pm
I was wondering if I could get feedback whether or not I am approaching my response correctly before I continue onto the rest. :)
Sure can!! ;D
Spoiler
1. Discuss how Unpolished Gem has been constructed to present a particular perspective.
Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals with conflicting cultural differences. Excellent, much better conceptual start. I'd like one more sentence about how composers use techniques to construct perspectives of these differences, or something like that, to lead you in to introducing your text. ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society and their quest to hold onto their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. The prevalent pursuit of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a chasm between generations of migrants. Pung delves into the perspective of fellow second generation migrants who struggle to adjust to Australia’s culture as her own ethnicity erodes under these Western influences. Perhaps ever so slightly too long on describing what happens in the text rather than how it was constructed, the techniques need to play a larger role in your introduction. Pung effectively conveys this perspective in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through her meticulous use of language features, text structures and stylistic choices to illustrate the importance of learning english and differing ideas about love and courtship while adapting to conflicting cultures. Adjusting your language here to better address the question would benefit you, but overall, an effective introduction!
Pung encapsulates the perspective of second generation migrants through her own experiences to illustrate importance to learn english despite the clashing of differing cultures. A slightly too text focused introduction, try to make it conceptual JUST like the first sentence of your introduction! Throughout ‘Unpolished Gem’ Pung utilises contrast to emphasise the idea that learning english was important to assimilate but a difficult obstacle as Alice appeals to accentuate the struggle second generation migrants had to overcome. Example of this contrast? Any juxtapositional phrases? Pung’s use of dialogue, "essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," develops the perspective of second generation migrants towards the difficulties of learning another language by accentuating her broken English as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent. Good. Pung further emphasises her struggle to adjust through the use of the metaphor ‘foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder…’ to create a vivid imagery in the mind of the reader while constructing the perspective of a second generation migrant. Excellent links to the question. Pung reinforces her struggle with remaining loyal to her traditional Chinese/Cambodian roots through contrasting events in Pung’s life changing from being unable to communicate coherently using english to her fading ability to speak her mother tongue expressing a disconnect from her ethnic roots despite her efforts to assimilate. Retell, no technique. The eloquent use of repetition and the power of three in Pung’s dialogue ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ and ‘Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’ further captives and accentuates Pung’s dilemma between the her mother tongue to the english language. You can cut those quotes down, a tad long, but effective nonetheless. The relatability of this dilemma in Pung’s life crafts a distinct perspective of second generation migrants who struggle on a day to day basis with their cultural identity. An effective paragraph! Your next step will be to start making audience links (see below).
Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals with conflicting cultural differences. Excellent, much better conceptual start. I'd like one more sentence about how composers use techniques to construct perspectives of these differences, or something like that, to lead you in to introducing your text. ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society and their quest to hold onto their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. The prevalent pursuit of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a chasm between generations of migrants. Pung delves into the perspective of fellow second generation migrants who struggle to adjust to Australia’s culture as her own ethnicity erodes under these Western influences. Perhaps ever so slightly too long on describing what happens in the text rather than how it was constructed, the techniques need to play a larger role in your introduction. Pung effectively conveys this perspective in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through her meticulous use of language features, text structures and stylistic choices to illustrate the importance of learning english and differing ideas about love and courtship while adapting to conflicting cultures. Adjusting your language here to better address the question would benefit you, but overall, an effective introduction!
Pung encapsulates the perspective of second generation migrants through her own experiences to illustrate importance to learn english despite the clashing of differing cultures. A slightly too text focused introduction, try to make it conceptual JUST like the first sentence of your introduction! Throughout ‘Unpolished Gem’ Pung utilises contrast to emphasise the idea that learning english was important to assimilate but a difficult obstacle as Alice appeals to accentuate the struggle second generation migrants had to overcome. Example of this contrast? Any juxtapositional phrases? Pung’s use of dialogue, "essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," develops the perspective of second generation migrants towards the difficulties of learning another language by accentuating her broken English as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent. Good. Pung further emphasises her struggle to adjust through the use of the metaphor ‘foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder…’ to create a vivid imagery in the mind of the reader while constructing the perspective of a second generation migrant. Excellent links to the question. Pung reinforces her struggle with remaining loyal to her traditional Chinese/Cambodian roots through contrasting events in Pung’s life changing from being unable to communicate coherently using english to her fading ability to speak her mother tongue expressing a disconnect from her ethnic roots despite her efforts to assimilate. Retell, no technique. The eloquent use of repetition and the power of three in Pung’s dialogue ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ and ‘Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’ further captives and accentuates Pung’s dilemma between the her mother tongue to the english language. You can cut those quotes down, a tad long, but effective nonetheless. The relatability of this dilemma in Pung’s life crafts a distinct perspective of second generation migrants who struggle on a day to day basis with their cultural identity. An effective paragraph! Your next step will be to start making audience links (see below).
You are definitely on the right track here!! Thesis is much more conceptual now, though I'd like to see a more conceptual introduction to your first paragraph as well. Remember, the focus of your response is how a perspective is being constructed, the text is an EXAMPLE of that, your text ideally shouldn't appear in the first sentence of any paragraph!
Most of the retell has been removed, so excellent work there. Your analysis is still a little text focused, but given that the composer is writing about real experiences, this is slightly inevitable.
My big piece of feedback as the response continues is to start making links to the audience. Remember, the perspective is being presented to the audience, try to make links about the new insight the audience gains into the perspective of the composer, due to the techniques used by the composer. EG - "Composers use of BLAH in BLAH shows the audience BLAH." Those sorts of links will bring you further up ;D
Overall though, very effective! Definitely set to keep writing the rest ;D good work!!
Post by: conic curve on August 09, 2016, 02:47:37 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 09, 2016, 03:09:27 pm
If we post part of out essay (instead of a whole one) like anotherworld2b has done, then how many atar notes posts does it require?
We decide as we go, it's a little discretional, but with 500 posts it definitely won't matter for you ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 09, 2016, 06:55:57 pm
Post by: imtrying on August 09, 2016, 09:31:00 pm
I understand I might not have enough posts for feedback on my whole essay, but if someone could read over my thesis and the basic ideas i'm aiming for that would be so helpful.
If not i totally understand, ill need to post a bit more haha.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 09, 2016, 10:04:04 pm
Hi, I'm just a bit unsure about Module C with my trials next week. I'm doing representing people and politics. I've attached an assessment task i did a few weeks ago for the question "Regardless of political motivations, personal gain is the ultimate goal." I still haven't had feedback from my teachers on this, so I don't know if the way I'm addressing the module c concept is correct.
I understand I might not have enough posts for feedback on my whole essay, but if someone could read over my thesis and the basic ideas i'm aiming for that would be so helpful.
If not i totally understand, ill need to post a bit more haha.
Hey there! Just letting you know that you definitely have enough posts, but you'll need 30 posts for the next one! ;D I'll try and get it done tonight or if not ASAP tomorrow!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 10, 2016, 12:08:52 am
Hi, I'm just a bit unsure about Module C with my trials next week. I'm doing representing people and politics. I've attached an assessment task i did a few weeks ago for the question "Regardless of political motivations, personal gain is the ultimate goal." I still haven't had feedback from my teachers on this, so I don't know if the way I'm addressing the module c concept is correct.
I understand I might not have enough posts for feedback on my whole essay, but if someone could read over my thesis and the basic ideas i'm aiming for that would be so helpful.
If not i totally understand, ill need to post a bit more haha.
Essay is attached with feedback below!! ;D
Spoiler
At the heart of a multiplicity of situations and the actions of individuals is an ulterior motive, whether this is concealed or bared in the open. Oftentimes hidden behind the guise of political agendas and a clever series of manipulations, personal gain frequently proves to be the ultimate goal of individuals from all walks of life. Fantastic conceptual introduction here, I really like how it is presented. Excellent. Regardless of apparent political motivations, be they a desire for the maintenance of government or the preservation of political relations, it is invariably this pursuit of personal advantage that drives the thoughts and actions of a persona. This in turn affects and distorts the way in which an individual seeks to represent themselves, as well as the approach an author takes in characterisation and representation of events. These concepts are repeatedly revealed in William Shakespeare’s King Henry IV Part 1 and Victoria Aveyard’s The Red Queen. I love how conceptual you've gone with this Thesis, but (and I almost never say this), it's a tad too much! Try to spend no more than two/three sentences setting up your concept, then introduce your text, and then from there focus on the module aims: How techniques are used to represent a perspective! The concepts are amazing though, just need to reign them in a tad.
Authors create contrast between a character’s political motivations and their personal agenda in representing the varying perceptions of circumstance and character. This is evident in Shakespeare’s representation Worcester, a rebel fighting in Hotspur’s ranks. Slight expression issue there (representation OF Worcester, and I'd say "the character of Worcester too," but fantastic conceptual start to the paragraph. Initially portrayed as a careful politician, Worcester’s interests appear firmly bound to the success of the rebels. Shakespeare leads the audience to form this view via a juxtaposition of Worcester and Hotspur, highlighting a clash in personality through dialogue. Slightly retell here, do you have an example of this juxtaposition? Quotes/filmic techniques which achieve it? This contrast allows Worcester to appear reasonable, with clear and honourable political motivations. Worcester patiently draws Hotspur's attention to the need to "stop all sight-holes, every loop from whence the eye of reason may pry in upon us." Technique? Worcester’s calmly presented and persuasive argument for caution against any opportunity for advantage for the opposition is met by quick, heated rejection by Hotspur, whose lack of care appears to be leading to his demise. Retell. Hotspur throws caution to the wind, proclaiming: "Let them (the enemy) come!...Come, let me taste my horse." Retell, and be sure to keep your expression in the academic style, try not to use idiomatic phrasing (caution to the wind)! As the plot progresses, however, Worcester’s true priorities are revealed via dramatic irony through his failure to deliver a message of peace from the king. Once again, Worcester’s genius of persuasion is revealed, ironically in this case, as he conspires to conceal this information from Hotspur in order to preserve his own interests. Retell. This reversal exposes Worcester as a clever manipulator, entertaining a greater loyalty to himself than to the rebel cause. Shakespeare thus demonstrates the reality of division between those who present themselves as followers of the same cause, a truth made more poignant by the contrast in the use to which Worcester placed his oratory talents; providing a clear warning for those of his day who entertained thoughts of rebellion against the current order. Some great ideas and textual knowledge here, but this paragraph is a little too text focused. Elements of retell strewn throughout, it's a very "This happened in the text which shows this about the characters" style of analysis. I'm looking instead for how the composer has used techniques to represent something TO THE AUDIENCE. This usually doesn't require description of character emotions (though that can come in in this Module), and it definitely doesn't require plot details!
In correlation to this, Aveyard draws on the tendency of characters to work primarily for the promotion of self-interest under the guise of nobility, duty or political necessity. In so doing, Aveyard takes advantage of the characterisation of Queen Elara. Initially, Queen Elara is portrayed as a woman who, although cold and calculating, is motivated by the maintenance of peaceful government and the protection of her own family. HOW is this characterisation achieved? Aveyard succeeds in creating this impression on the audience via an unreliable narrator, who is herself deceived by Queen Elara’s efforts to represent herself as a dutiful member of the royal family, her hand forced by her honourable purpose. The audience abruptly comes to realise a new perspective of Elara’s motives through a plot twist which reveals Elara’s manipulation of events and her capitalisation of her position to gain more power for her son, and take revenge on her husband, the king, for his perceived dismissal of her child. Good, still looking for some quote inclusion though! This is revealed through symbolism and contrast: as the protagonist, Mare, enters the throne room, her eyes fall on the Queen dressed “in nothing but a thin white gown,” the simplicity of her attire and the connotations of the colour white presenting as outwardly pure and forthright. Good techniques and analysis, but still too plot driven! See below for an example. Juxtaposed with her words to Mare: “Anyone can betray anyone,” this demonstrates a new dimension to Elara’s character. This new perspective causes Elara’s character and actions to be viewed in an entirely different light by the audience due to the author’s changed representation of her political role, and highlights once more a truth that transcends genre: regardless of the persona’s political motives, personal gain remains at the forefront of their actions. Good, this paragraph is better, but still slightly text driven!
Shakespeare’s work is noted for his ability to create a cross-section of society and represent the political agendas within the class system. I'd like a slightly more conceptual introduction here like you gave me earlier, however I do love the link to Shakespeare's work as a whole, that is a nice tough. By creating a stark disparity between the parties present in the King’s court and those who frequent the tavern, Shakespeare actually succeeds in highlighting one distinct similarity: despite the dissimilar political incentives held by nobles and the commoners, a common drive is their striving for self-preservation, and if possible, personal gain. Cool idea, an ever so slightly less text focused approach would benefit you (just say what Shakespeare is saying with the text, you don't need that level of plot detail). Frequent change of setting from an opulent throne room to a threadbare tavern creates a visual representation of this divide, brought into focus in the relationship between Prince Hal and Falstaff. Good. Through soliloquy, Hal reveals that his true motives lie in attaining more power, and without effort, by building a rapport with the people before ascending the throne. Hal uses extended metaphor in his explanation: “herein I will imitate the Sun, who doth permit the …clouds smother up his beauty from the world, that…he may be more wondered at by breaking through the …mists”. Try to get the quote and technique into the same sentences as it is introduced: The sentence on the soliloquy doesn't offer much! By comparing himself to the celestial sun, Hal emphasises the magnitude of the consequences of his actions, impressing the scale of his self-misrepresentation on his audience. Technique? Falstaff, although represented as a character in entirely different circumstances to Hal and with no obvious political motivation or ambition at all, epitomised by his derision of ‘honour…a mere scutcheon”, makes an opportunistic appeal for honour and a higher station. Technique? This plot twist which appears uncharacteristic of seemingly unambitious Falstaff brings to audience’s attention the reality that personal gain is never far from the mind of even the least ambitious. Shakespeare thus makes a subtle commentary on this aspect of human nature and its common thread through those of any class. Same comments as above, your ideas are fantastic, just need to step away from the text a little bit!
Aveyard too creates a deep divide between classes in order to demonstrate the omnipresence of the innate tendency which moves people to pursue personal agendas regardless of the political climate in which they reside. Cool. The visual symbolism of red blooded and silver blooded citizens becomes a pointed, simplified representation of the nature of these two societies: seemingly polar opposites. Fantastic. The ‘red’ society is presented as a manifestation of all that is repressed and downtrodden. The description: “security officers are everywhere, their…silver uniforms standing out in the crowds,” gives the impression that silver security forces, the means of oppression has become such a part of the political atmosphere and way of life that they ‘stand out’ more than the red citizens themselves. Retell, and there are better techniques in that example than just description (imagery,, symbolism, etc). It is in this very setting, however, that “a gang of kids, little thieves in training, flutters through with searching, sticky fingers.” Retell. Although the politics of the regime these children have been raised in would surely dictate compliance to forces which would not hesitate to punish them, they push aside actions which would serve as a safeguard in favour of stealing for their own gain, the use of the verb ‘flutters’ indicating a sense of disregard for consequences. This thus demonstrates the human traits that shine through in a society where free will is limited converge with the mentality of those who live in relative freedom, and that despite a political climate which would motivate citizens to compliance, personal gain is always at the forefront, even to the point of rebellion. Your concepts are really sophisticated, extremely clever, it is just your analysis style that needs a tune ;D
As evidence from the above texts suggests, the pursuit of personal advantage in spite of political provocations is a distinct trait which transcends class, personality, political climate and even the range of motivations themselves. This ulterior motive, whether it is despite the political situation or capitalises on it as a guise, repeatedly affects the way in which a persona represents themselves to other, and frequently distorts the approach taken by an author in representing situations and people. Your conclusion needs a little more meat than this, try expanding on some of the points made in that last sentence! The "approach taken by an author in representing situations and people" is the focus of the Module, give it a little more importance ;D
Authors create contrast between a character’s political motivations and their personal agenda in representing the varying perceptions of circumstance and character. This is evident in Shakespeare’s representation Worcester, a rebel fighting in Hotspur’s ranks. Slight expression issue there (representation OF Worcester, and I'd say "the character of Worcester too," but fantastic conceptual start to the paragraph. Initially portrayed as a careful politician, Worcester’s interests appear firmly bound to the success of the rebels. Shakespeare leads the audience to form this view via a juxtaposition of Worcester and Hotspur, highlighting a clash in personality through dialogue. Slightly retell here, do you have an example of this juxtaposition? Quotes/filmic techniques which achieve it? This contrast allows Worcester to appear reasonable, with clear and honourable political motivations. Worcester patiently draws Hotspur's attention to the need to "stop all sight-holes, every loop from whence the eye of reason may pry in upon us." Technique? Worcester’s calmly presented and persuasive argument for caution against any opportunity for advantage for the opposition is met by quick, heated rejection by Hotspur, whose lack of care appears to be leading to his demise. Retell. Hotspur throws caution to the wind, proclaiming: "Let them (the enemy) come!...Come, let me taste my horse." Retell, and be sure to keep your expression in the academic style, try not to use idiomatic phrasing (caution to the wind)! As the plot progresses, however, Worcester’s true priorities are revealed via dramatic irony through his failure to deliver a message of peace from the king. Once again, Worcester’s genius of persuasion is revealed, ironically in this case, as he conspires to conceal this information from Hotspur in order to preserve his own interests. Retell. This reversal exposes Worcester as a clever manipulator, entertaining a greater loyalty to himself than to the rebel cause. Shakespeare thus demonstrates the reality of division between those who present themselves as followers of the same cause, a truth made more poignant by the contrast in the use to which Worcester placed his oratory talents; providing a clear warning for those of his day who entertained thoughts of rebellion against the current order. Some great ideas and textual knowledge here, but this paragraph is a little too text focused. Elements of retell strewn throughout, it's a very "This happened in the text which shows this about the characters" style of analysis. I'm looking instead for how the composer has used techniques to represent something TO THE AUDIENCE. This usually doesn't require description of character emotions (though that can come in in this Module), and it definitely doesn't require plot details!
In correlation to this, Aveyard draws on the tendency of characters to work primarily for the promotion of self-interest under the guise of nobility, duty or political necessity. In so doing, Aveyard takes advantage of the characterisation of Queen Elara. Initially, Queen Elara is portrayed as a woman who, although cold and calculating, is motivated by the maintenance of peaceful government and the protection of her own family. HOW is this characterisation achieved? Aveyard succeeds in creating this impression on the audience via an unreliable narrator, who is herself deceived by Queen Elara’s efforts to represent herself as a dutiful member of the royal family, her hand forced by her honourable purpose. The audience abruptly comes to realise a new perspective of Elara’s motives through a plot twist which reveals Elara’s manipulation of events and her capitalisation of her position to gain more power for her son, and take revenge on her husband, the king, for his perceived dismissal of her child. Good, still looking for some quote inclusion though! This is revealed through symbolism and contrast: as the protagonist, Mare, enters the throne room, her eyes fall on the Queen dressed “in nothing but a thin white gown,” the simplicity of her attire and the connotations of the colour white presenting as outwardly pure and forthright. Good techniques and analysis, but still too plot driven! See below for an example. Juxtaposed with her words to Mare: “Anyone can betray anyone,” this demonstrates a new dimension to Elara’s character. This new perspective causes Elara’s character and actions to be viewed in an entirely different light by the audience due to the author’s changed representation of her political role, and highlights once more a truth that transcends genre: regardless of the persona’s political motives, personal gain remains at the forefront of their actions. Good, this paragraph is better, but still slightly text driven!
Shakespeare’s work is noted for his ability to create a cross-section of society and represent the political agendas within the class system. I'd like a slightly more conceptual introduction here like you gave me earlier, however I do love the link to Shakespeare's work as a whole, that is a nice tough. By creating a stark disparity between the parties present in the King’s court and those who frequent the tavern, Shakespeare actually succeeds in highlighting one distinct similarity: despite the dissimilar political incentives held by nobles and the commoners, a common drive is their striving for self-preservation, and if possible, personal gain. Cool idea, an ever so slightly less text focused approach would benefit you (just say what Shakespeare is saying with the text, you don't need that level of plot detail). Frequent change of setting from an opulent throne room to a threadbare tavern creates a visual representation of this divide, brought into focus in the relationship between Prince Hal and Falstaff. Good. Through soliloquy, Hal reveals that his true motives lie in attaining more power, and without effort, by building a rapport with the people before ascending the throne. Hal uses extended metaphor in his explanation: “herein I will imitate the Sun, who doth permit the …clouds smother up his beauty from the world, that…he may be more wondered at by breaking through the …mists”. Try to get the quote and technique into the same sentences as it is introduced: The sentence on the soliloquy doesn't offer much! By comparing himself to the celestial sun, Hal emphasises the magnitude of the consequences of his actions, impressing the scale of his self-misrepresentation on his audience. Technique? Falstaff, although represented as a character in entirely different circumstances to Hal and with no obvious political motivation or ambition at all, epitomised by his derision of ‘honour…a mere scutcheon”, makes an opportunistic appeal for honour and a higher station. Technique? This plot twist which appears uncharacteristic of seemingly unambitious Falstaff brings to audience’s attention the reality that personal gain is never far from the mind of even the least ambitious. Shakespeare thus makes a subtle commentary on this aspect of human nature and its common thread through those of any class. Same comments as above, your ideas are fantastic, just need to step away from the text a little bit!
Aveyard too creates a deep divide between classes in order to demonstrate the omnipresence of the innate tendency which moves people to pursue personal agendas regardless of the political climate in which they reside. Cool. The visual symbolism of red blooded and silver blooded citizens becomes a pointed, simplified representation of the nature of these two societies: seemingly polar opposites. Fantastic. The ‘red’ society is presented as a manifestation of all that is repressed and downtrodden. The description: “security officers are everywhere, their…silver uniforms standing out in the crowds,” gives the impression that silver security forces, the means of oppression has become such a part of the political atmosphere and way of life that they ‘stand out’ more than the red citizens themselves. Retell, and there are better techniques in that example than just description (imagery,, symbolism, etc). It is in this very setting, however, that “a gang of kids, little thieves in training, flutters through with searching, sticky fingers.” Retell. Although the politics of the regime these children have been raised in would surely dictate compliance to forces which would not hesitate to punish them, they push aside actions which would serve as a safeguard in favour of stealing for their own gain, the use of the verb ‘flutters’ indicating a sense of disregard for consequences. This thus demonstrates the human traits that shine through in a society where free will is limited converge with the mentality of those who live in relative freedom, and that despite a political climate which would motivate citizens to compliance, personal gain is always at the forefront, even to the point of rebellion. Your concepts are really sophisticated, extremely clever, it is just your analysis style that needs a tune ;D
As evidence from the above texts suggests, the pursuit of personal advantage in spite of political provocations is a distinct trait which transcends class, personality, political climate and even the range of motivations themselves. This ulterior motive, whether it is despite the political situation or capitalises on it as a guise, repeatedly affects the way in which a persona represents themselves to other, and frequently distorts the approach taken by an author in representing situations and people. Your conclusion needs a little more meat than this, try expanding on some of the points made in that last sentence! The "approach taken by an author in representing situations and people" is the focus of the Module, give it a little more importance ;D
This is a really cool essay! You are not just trying, you are succeeding (lol bad username jokes) ;D
I think your ideas are really powerful. You present them in a really conceptual way and organise them effectively too, not an easy thing to do. You have excellent knowledge of the text and of Shakespeare's goals as a composer, brilliant work there. Regular audience links too, which is fantastic.
What I'm missing primarily in this response is that representation aspect. This module asks you, as the student, to analyse how technique has been used to create meaning. It's a BIG focus on techniques, stylistic features and structures, active decisions made by composers to represent a perspective (in this case, on politics). I'm getting the perspectives bit, but not the representation bit. You are giving me the perspective as it comes across within the plot of the text, the characters, etc, when all I really care about are techniques.
Let me give you an example that does have techniques, but could still do with some abstraction from the text:
This is revealed through symbolism and contrast: as the protagonist, Mare, enters the throne room, her eyes fall on the Queen dressed “in nothing but a thin white gown,” the simplicity of her attire and the connotations of the colour white presenting as outwardly pure and forthright. Juxtaposed with her words to Mare: “Anyone can betray anyone,” this demonstrates a new dimension to Elara’s character.
I can take out some unnecessary plot details and blend this all into one, more representation driven sentence:
Shakespeare employs symbolism in juxtaposing the innocence of the Queen's "thin white gown," with the blunt declaration, "Anyone can betray anyone," as the insights into Elara's character enable the audience to realise ____________.
I'm not giving you an idea of what happens in the scene, or any sense of plot, purely, Shakespeare did this to show us this. ;D
Taking this more representational approach, removing some plot detail and making sure you REALLY focus on techniques, would be my main piece of advice ;D there are other comments throughout of course, but this would be my main suggestion ;D great work!!
Post by: imtrying on August 10, 2016, 09:24:23 am
:)
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 10, 2016, 07:26:30 pm
I've written my whole response and was wondering if I could get feedback on it :D I have removed some conceptual sentences from prior drafts as suggested by my teacher. My teacher commented that my ideas were messy and that I need to be clear but after 5 attempts at being succinct she still told me that I wasn't clear. :'( I am also unsure what to write about in terms of how the textual structure can construct a perspective.She was vague on how I can do this and I was wondering if I could get feedback on how to do and the overall flow and quality of my response if it is okay :-[
PS: I was wondering if I could get feedback as soon as possible because my test is on Friday please
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 10, 2016, 10:52:16 pm
Hi I'm back ;D
I've written my whole response and was wondering if I could get feedback on it :D I have removed some conceptual sentences from prior drafts as suggested by my teacher. My teacher commented that my ideas were messy and that I need to be clear but after 5 attempts at being succinct she still told me that I wasn't clear. :'( I am also unsure what to write about in terms of how the textual structure can construct a perspective.She was vague on how I can do this and I was wondering if I could get feedback on how to do and the overall flow and quality of my response if it is okay :-[
PS: I was wondering if I could get feedback as soon as possible because my test is on Friday please
I'll be doing a mark run tomorrow morning, so expect feedback by then! ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 11, 2016, 12:46:10 am
I'll be doing a mark run tomorrow morning, so expect feedback by then! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 11, 2016, 09:38:15 am
Hi I'm back ;D
I've written my whole response and was wondering if I could get feedback on it :D I have removed some conceptual sentences from prior drafts as suggested by my teacher. My teacher commented that my ideas were messy and that I need to be clear but after 5 attempts at being succinct she still told me that I wasn't clear. :'( I am also unsure what to write about in terms of how the textual structure can construct a perspective.She was vague on how I can do this and I was wondering if I could get feedback on how to do and the overall flow and quality of my response if it is okay :-[
PS: I was wondering if I could get feedback as soon as possible because my test is on Friday please
Okay here we go! Response attached with feedback below ;D
Spoiler
Discuss how Unpolished Gem has been constructed to present a particular perspective.
The prevalent pursuit of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a chasm between generations of migrants. On clarity: What do you mean by "prevalent pursuit," I don't think prevalent is the right word choice there. Good concept though. ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society and their quest to hold onto their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. Pung effectively conveys this perspective in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through her meticulous use of the textual convention of dialogue, text structure and language features to illustrate the clash of different cultures in terms of language and differing ideas about love and courtship respectively. I'm not sure how this last bit fits into your over-arching idea on assimilation and cultural identity; why have love and courtship been brought into the mix?
Pung encapsulates the perspective of second generation migrants who struggle to cope with the clash of different cultures through the use of the textual convention of narrative point of view. Pung’s recount of her past dialogue ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants to learn another language through Pung accentuating her broken english as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent. Expression could be a little clearer here. Since you are having issues with being succinct, see below, I'll show you what I mean. Furthermore, Pung’s continued reflection of dialogue including ’‘foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder…’ delves into her childhood as a second generation migrant struggling to ask a simple english question. There are better techniques there than just dialogue. The eloquent use of the power of three in Pung’s reflection ‘how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ further accentuates a clear disconnect from her ethnic roots as she is restricted to only being able to say three emotions in her mother tongue. What perspective is this constructing? Be careful not to just show me what happens in the text, that is retell, I need "Pung constructs THIS perspective and THIS is how it is achieved." The reader gets a sense of defeat and weariness from Pung’s tone as she reflects ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say’ emphasising her struggle to adapt to two different cultures despite her efforts to assimilate into Australian culture. Pung’s dilemma in trying to assimilate was met with irony as she laments with a tone of defeat ‘ Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’ further captivates and accentuates the irony of the situation in which Pung became mute rather than be proud of learning english. Still retell, you aren't telling me about a perspective, you are just telling me what happens in the text! The evident clash between her traditional Chinese Cambodian culture and the Australian culture emphasises the significance of the english language as an important aspect for second generation migrants to conquer. A solid paragraph, but I'm not getting the 'perspective' aspect of your argument. I'm getting lots of textual examples, which is great, but I want a larger focus on techniques and a larger focus on how they form a perspective!
Pung effectively constructs the perspective of second generation migrants and the dissonance between eastern and western cultural values with regard to relationships through the use of the language convention of tone and irony. Pung utilizes different tones to mirror and complement the comparison of her Chinese Cambodian environment and the Australian cultural environment. Good. This is evident in Pung’s critical tone “All you want at fifteen is to have a boyfriend, not to choose the future father of your children” accentuating the perspective of second generation migrants towards the conflicting idea of love and courtship under the influence of Australian culture which emphasises “free love”. The expression here gets away from you a little bit, the latter half could be much simpler. Pung’s use of the tone of uncertainty as she ponders ‘I wondered what was worse, being supported by your husband or supporting him’ encapsulates her inner conflict as instilled traditional values of her family clashes with the Australian values in regards to the role of a husband. Furthermore, Pung’s tone of sadness ‘I had done everything right, and still I had turned out so wrong. I had turned out empty. I had turned out faulty’ emphasises how she is left with a sense of having failed in both the world of her ancestors and of her peers. That quote is a little too long, you can trim it right back. The depth of the influence of two differing cultures is emphasised in Pung’s guilty tone as she recounts how she defied her parents ‘Whenever I was with the boy I could not stop the guilty look over the shoulder’. Pung employs irony and sarcasm to lighten the tone of her memoir as she remarks at her boyfriend’s attempt to be chivalrous “ My knight in shining aluminium foil, please don’t feel it necessary to martyr yourself’’ for comedic effect and to lighten the tone of her memoir for the reader to enjoy. Hence, Pung effectively constructs the perspective of second generation migrants through the use of tone and irony. Again, I'm not getting the perspective aspect in this paragraph. Case in point, the words "viewpoint", "perspective," "opinion," these sorts of things should be appearing as you discuss your quotes. I get a lot of textual examples, but you aren't telling me what perspective that the composer is portraying. What is the composer trying to show the reader?
Pung utilises the textual structure of a 5 part memoir to highlight key events in her life constructing the perspective of a second generation migrant. The personal tone of a memoir allows the Pung to the express her thoughts, feelings, reactions and reflections in her life, emphasising the impact the memoir can have on the reader. Pung’s deliberate use of a part 5 part memoir allows the reader to follows Pung’s development in character and the struggles she faced as a second generation migrant who has successfully assimilated into Australian culture. This paragraph feels extremely out of place; it is far too short to mesh in with the rest of the response. It reads as if you've run out of time at the end, having two long paragraphs followed by this throws off the reader.
Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals with conflicting cultural differences. To construct these perspectives authors utilise a variety of techniques. What perspectives? Alice pung utilises the textual convention of dialogue, the text structure of a memoir and the language feature of tone and to construct the perspective of second generation migrants who struggle to assimilate into Australian culture. A little more meat for the conclusion would be good, again, WHAT perspective is being constructed? Yes, it is THE perspective of a second generation migrant, but what IS that perspective?
To start, I think your ideas are expressed reasonably clearly in your response. What I mean by that is, at no stage did I have to re-read a sentence because I didn't understand what you were saying. The flow of your expression is absolutely fine in that regard, though I do agree that you could be a little more succinct. Let's take an example:
Pung’s recount of her past dialogue ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants to learn another language through Pung accentuating her broken english as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent.
What throws you here is the ordering of your ideas. Since you use the quote first, then an audience link, and THEN try to explain what the quote achieves; that audience link in the middle breaks the natural flow, which is why you needed to use the composer's name twice. I would write the sentence this way:
Pung accentuates her broken english as a child through humorous dialogue, "essose mi plis I nid to go to da toilet," which shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants.
I changed almost nothing about your sentence, but changing the order of the phrases makes it more succinct and more clear. I can't give a blanket statement on how to do this sort of thing, but as a general rule, if you use a composer's name twice in one sentence, you can tidy it up.
I think your structure is effective on the whole, dividing by technique works, but it does limit you a tad in what you can discuss. That last paragraph is also far too short. Talking about how structure assists in creating a perspective is not an easy thing to do, and indeed, you probably can't sustain a paragraph on it. The memoir form creates a free flow of thought, almost like Pung is talking directly to the reader, allowing easy empathy by the responder. The fact it is in 5 parts isn't overly significant, unless it divides the ideas into several key perspectives. Beyond this, you can't discuss much, structure is something best integrated throughout an essay response for this reason. You may want to look at using those ideas elsewhere in your response, and either focusing on two body paragraphs or adding in a third in some other fashion.
My big piece of feedback in this response is still textual retell. You are telling me what happened in the text to the composer. Example:
Furthermore, Pung’s tone of sadness ‘I had done everything right, and still I had turned out so wrong. I had turned out empty. I had turned out faulty’ emphasises how she is left with a sense of having failed in both the world of her ancestors and of her peers.
Here, I get a technique and a quote, and what the character feels due to the quote/based on the quote. However, what perspective is constructed? Yes, she is left with a sense of failure, what idea does this represent? What is the composer trying to say here? The perspective needs to be a little more evident; the examples are perfect and the techniques good as well, you just need to do more with them "perspective" wise. What viewpoint does Pung assume? What is the composer saying about assimilation, multiculturalism, racism, relationships, those sorts of things.
This is a solid essay, there are lots of good ideas and excellent textual knowledge on display. For me, it is the perspective bit that is missing, it doesn't come through clearly in the response, which is what your teacher could be talking about :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 11, 2016, 10:13:45 am
I will use your feedback on my response and hopefully my test goes well tomorrow ;D
Okay here we go! Response attached with feedback below ;DSpoiler
Discuss how Unpolished Gem has been constructed to present a particular perspective.
The prevalent pursuit of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a chasm between generations of migrants. On clarity: What do you mean by "prevalent pursuit," I don't think prevalent is the right word choice there. Good concept though. ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society and their quest to hold onto their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. Pung effectively conveys this perspective in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through her meticulous use of the textual convention of dialogue, text structure and language features to illustrate the clash of different cultures in terms of language and differing ideas about love and courtship respectively. I'm not sure how this last bit fits into your over-arching idea on assimilation and cultural identity; why have love and courtship been brought into the mix?
Pung encapsulates the perspective of second generation migrants who struggle to cope with the clash of different cultures through the use of the textual convention of narrative point of view. Pung’s recount of her past dialogue ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants to learn another language through Pung accentuating her broken english as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent. Expression could be a little clearer here. Since you are having issues with being succinct, see below, I'll show you what I mean. Furthermore, Pung’s continued reflection of dialogue including ’‘foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder…’ delves into her childhood as a second generation migrant struggling to ask a simple english question. There are better techniques there than just dialogue. The eloquent use of the power of three in Pung’s reflection ‘how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ further accentuates a clear disconnect from her ethnic roots as she is restricted to only being able to say three emotions in her mother tongue. What perspective is this constructing? Be careful not to just show me what happens in the text, that is retell, I need "Pung constructs THIS perspective and THIS is how it is achieved." The reader gets a sense of defeat and weariness from Pung’s tone as she reflects ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say’ emphasising her struggle to adapt to two different cultures despite her efforts to assimilate into Australian culture. Pung’s dilemma in trying to assimilate was met with irony as she laments with a tone of defeat ‘ Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’ further captivates and accentuates the irony of the situation in which Pung became mute rather than be proud of learning english. Still retell, you aren't telling me about a perspective, you are just telling me what happens in the text! The evident clash between her traditional Chinese Cambodian culture and the Australian culture emphasises the significance of the english language as an important aspect for second generation migrants to conquer. A solid paragraph, but I'm not getting the 'perspective' aspect of your argument. I'm getting lots of textual examples, which is great, but I want a larger focus on techniques and a larger focus on how they form a perspective!
Pung effectively constructs the perspective of second generation migrants and the dissonance between eastern and western cultural values with regard to relationships through the use of the language convention of tone and irony. Pung utilizes different tones to mirror and complement the comparison of her Chinese Cambodian environment and the Australian cultural environment. Good. This is evident in Pung’s critical tone “All you want at fifteen is to have a boyfriend, not to choose the future father of your children” accentuating the perspective of second generation migrants towards the conflicting idea of love and courtship under the influence of Australian culture which emphasises “free love”. The expression here gets away from you a little bit, the latter half could be much simpler. Pung’s use of the tone of uncertainty as she ponders ‘I wondered what was worse, being supported by your husband or supporting him’ encapsulates her inner conflict as instilled traditional values of her family clashes with the Australian values in regards to the role of a husband. Furthermore, Pung’s tone of sadness ‘I had done everything right, and still I had turned out so wrong. I had turned out empty. I had turned out faulty’ emphasises how she is left with a sense of having failed in both the world of her ancestors and of her peers. That quote is a little too long, you can trim it right back. The depth of the influence of two differing cultures is emphasised in Pung’s guilty tone as she recounts how she defied her parents ‘Whenever I was with the boy I could not stop the guilty look over the shoulder’. Pung employs irony and sarcasm to lighten the tone of her memoir as she remarks at her boyfriend’s attempt to be chivalrous “ My knight in shining aluminium foil, please don’t feel it necessary to martyr yourself’’ for comedic effect and to lighten the tone of her memoir for the reader to enjoy. Hence, Pung effectively constructs the perspective of second generation migrants through the use of tone and irony. Again, I'm not getting the perspective aspect in this paragraph. Case in point, the words "viewpoint", "perspective," "opinion," these sorts of things should be appearing as you discuss your quotes. I get a lot of textual examples, but you aren't telling me what perspective that the composer is portraying. What is the composer trying to show the reader?
Pung utilises the textual structure of a 5 part memoir to highlight key events in her life constructing the perspective of a second generation migrant. The personal tone of a memoir allows the Pung to the express her thoughts, feelings, reactions and reflections in her life, emphasising the impact the memoir can have on the reader. Pung’s deliberate use of a part 5 part memoir allows the reader to follows Pung’s development in character and the struggles she faced as a second generation migrant who has successfully assimilated into Australian culture. This paragraph feels extremely out of place; it is far too short to mesh in with the rest of the response. It reads as if you've run out of time at the end, having two long paragraphs followed by this throws off the reader.
Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals with conflicting cultural differences. To construct these perspectives authors utilise a variety of techniques. What perspectives? Alice pung utilises the textual convention of dialogue, the text structure of a memoir and the language feature of tone and to construct the perspective of second generation migrants who struggle to assimilate into Australian culture. A little more meat for the conclusion would be good, again, WHAT perspective is being constructed? Yes, it is THE perspective of a second generation migrant, but what IS that perspective?
To start, I think your ideas are expressed reasonably clearly in your response. What I mean by that is, at no stage did I have to re-read a sentence because I didn't understand what you were saying. The flow of your expression is absolutely fine in that regard, though I do agree that you could be a little more succinct. Let's take an example:
Pung’s recount of her past dialogue ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants to learn another language through Pung accentuating her broken english as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent.
What throws you here is the ordering of your ideas. Since you use the quote first, then an audience link, and THEN try to explain what the quote achieves; that audience link in the middle breaks the natural flow, which is why you needed to use the composer's name twice. I would write the sentence this way:
Pung accentuates her broken english as a child through humorous dialogue, "essose mi plis I nid to go to da toilet," which shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants.
I changed almost nothing about your sentence, but changing the order of the phrases makes it more succinct and more clear. I can't give a blanket statement on how to do this sort of thing, but as a general rule, if you use a composer's name twice in one sentence, you can tidy it up.
I think your structure is effective on the whole, dividing by technique works, but it does limit you a tad in what you can discuss. That last paragraph is also far too short. Talking about how structure assists in creating a perspective is not an easy thing to do, and indeed, you probably can't sustain a paragraph on it. The memoir form creates a free flow of thought, almost like Pung is talking directly to the reader, allowing easy empathy by the responder. The fact it is in 5 parts isn't overly significant, unless it divides the ideas into several key perspectives. Beyond this, you can't discuss much, structure is something best integrated throughout an essay response for this reason. You may want to look at using those ideas elsewhere in your response, and either focusing on two body paragraphs or adding in a third in some other fashion.
My big piece of feedback in this response is still textual retell. You are telling me what happened in the text to the composer. Example:
Furthermore, Pung’s tone of sadness ‘I had done everything right, and still I had turned out so wrong. I had turned out empty. I had turned out faulty’ emphasises how she is left with a sense of having failed in both the world of her ancestors and of her peers.
Here, I get a technique and a quote, and what the character feels due to the quote/based on the quote. However, what perspective is constructed? Yes, she is left with a sense of failure, what idea does this represent? What is the composer trying to say here? The perspective needs to be a little more evident; the examples are perfect and the techniques good as well, you just need to do more with them "perspective" wise. What viewpoint does Pung assume? What is the composer saying about assimilation, multiculturalism, racism, relationships, those sorts of things.
This is a solid essay, there are lots of good ideas and excellent textual knowledge on display. For me, it is the perspective bit that is missing, it doesn't come through clearly in the response, which is what your teacher could be talking about :)
Post by: hannahboardman98 on August 11, 2016, 03:24:34 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 11, 2016, 03:52:12 pm
Hi, these are my essays for modules for my trials so I have made them quite broad so that I can easily adapt them to an essay question. Please disregard the rainbow as it is purely for me to make it easier to memorise rather than for structure! Please and thankyou!
Hi Hannah! Go you, you organised thing! I too used a rainbow structure for memorisation!! I thought I was the only one!!
Unfortunately, the essay marking policy requires that you have made 15 ATAR Notes posts in order to get a creative or essay marked. Alternatively, you could ask us to look at a single paragraph that's worrying you, or ask us about your structure by talking us through your plan. But the essay and creative marking means we will read it line by line and make comments throughout on language, expression, ideas and structure. If there is a smaller thing worrying you, do ask! Otherwise, you will have to make another 13 posts on ATAR Notes in order to get any major piece marked because you have already had a Module A response marked :)
You can read more about the essay marking policy in my signature below. Hang around the forums a bit and you'll be sweet! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 11, 2016, 05:26:48 pm
Hi, these are my essays for modules for my trials so I have made them quite broad so that I can easily adapt them to an essay question. Please disregard the rainbow as it is purely for me to make it easier to memorise rather than for structure! Please and thankyou!
Hey Hannah! Just letting you know that to get these three essays marked, plus your creative, you will need to hit 75 ATAR Notes posts. That's based on the essay marking policy available in my signature (scroll to the bottom and you'll see how I got the number 75). As Elyse said, the first one can get marked at 30 posts ;D
Post by: caninesandy on August 14, 2016, 08:42:32 pm
I have my Paper 2 trial on Tuesday and we haven't been taught how to write any of the module essays, THANK GOODNESS FOR ATARNOTES!! (seriously though), and I have attempt to start my Mod A essay. My texts are 1984 and Metropolis. I didn't finish the essay because i have no idea of what I am doing and need to try figure out the other modules...
If possible could you please be mark my esay as honest as possible as I am feeling pretty clueless...
Thank you all so much!
Sincerely,
Sara
Essay
Does the treatment of social manipulation in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis reveal the texts’ similarities or reinforce their distinctive qualities? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed texts.
Governments for the ages have been practising in social manipulation, not merely to control its people and retain political power, but to mould their own contextual concepts of the perfect human and society. George Orwell’s 1949 post-WW2 novel ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (1984) is a strong testament to extreme social manipulation by an extreme totalitarian government. Similarly, however less severely, is Fritz Lang’s 1927 silent film, Metropolis which warns the tale of government and social inequality. When studies comparatively both Orwell and Lang have created their own distinctive interpretation of social manipulation and this is evident not only through their story but also through context and textual language features and forms.
Political agenda and corruption are often the cause for social manipulation and extensive propagation. Orwell, influenced by post-WW2 totalitarian governments, namely Hitler Germany and Stalin Russia, formulated a novel surrounding the extreme, and criminal if reading without of the story’s context, actions of a totalitarian government, The Party. The Party’s stark and domineering posters of ‘the enormous face [gazing] from the wall’ with a caption ‘BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING’ is a constant reminder to citizens of their cage-like world. Orwell’s use of personification increases the omnipotence of Big Brother and the constant threat of ‘vaporisation’. However, this pervasive and penetrating propaganda is best understood when placed within context of ‘doublethink’ which is a concept conceived by the Party to control the thoughts of its members and the whole of society. Orwell, furthered this through ‘thoughtcrime’ where ‘sooner or later they were bound to get you.’ Audiences upon reading are deeply confronted, especially as Orwell feared this future to be a possibility and for readers of the time it was written where surveillance and global politics were on the rise. However, perhaps more confronting is the political reason for such atrocious manipulations and restrictions - ‘pure power’. This use of alliteration is very effective in provoking the audience and the pairing ‘pop’ in the mind of the audience. George Orwell, influenced by the fear and threat of extreme totalitarian governments, warns for a future where social manipulation by governments is prevailing for political agenda.
Similarly, Fritz Lang’s ‘Metropolis’ imbues social manipulation to be the product of corrupt and traditional political and social hierarchies. However, his German Expressionist film focuses on the possibility for retribution and cooperation between government and citizens, unlike Orwell whose grim ending leaves readers with feelings of unease. In ‘Metropolis’ the workers underground live and work by the 10-hour clock, juxtaposed against the 12-hour clock for the bourgeois aboveground. Lang uses this restriction on the worker's’ perception of day and night to explore and present the social manipulation corrupt governments have over works in communism, a fear of his. Audiences are left with contempt and dissatisfaction with such drastic restrictions on citizens, however to a lesser extent to ‘1984’. Further, Lang’s low angle shots of the mechanical works marching to and from work represents the dominance and control the people of above have over the works. This is also enhanced by the low brass beating music accompanying the sluggish march of the worker leading audiences to evoking images of the German WW1 soldiers marching home, defeated and enervated after losing the war. This strong allusion and imagery help to portray Lang’s disapproval of communism and war upon citizens as the impact of social manipulation by governments forebodes struggle, and according to Orwell, failure.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 14, 2016, 11:41:40 pm
Hi guys!! :D
I have my Paper 2 trial on Tuesday and we haven't been taught how to write any of the module essays, THANK GOODNESS FOR ATARNOTES!! (seriously though), and I have attempt to start my Mod A essay. My texts are 1984 and Metropolis. I didn't finish the essay because i have no idea of what I am doing and need to try figure out the other modules...
If possible could you please be mark my esay as honest as possible as I am feeling pretty clueless...
Thank you all so much!
Sincerely,
Sara
Hey Sara! Thanks for posting your essay! Unfortunately, you do need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. This ensures that the service remains useful for you guys, while still attainable for the markers ;D
That said, I want to give you a hand since your Trials are so soon! So some super quick pointers based on a skim read, if you hang around and get your next 10 posts by tomorrow night I'll be happy to give priority to marking it! Otherwise, be sure to hang around save up to have a few marked for the HSC period ;D
A few quick ideas:
- Good Thesis statements and conceptual approach, this is spot on, but be sure that your main idea is supported adequately. Neither of your topic sentences mention, for example, the mould their own contextual concepts of the perfect human and society part of your Thesis. If you raise an idea in the Thesis, ensure you talk about it, it's like a contract.
- Ensure your Thesis answers the question, specifically the "differences vs similarities aspect." You hint at this throughout the response but your first paragraph needs to make the link really obvious to the marker from the get go :)
- Ensure you have a conclusion in your essay to properly summarise all your ideas. Simply re-state your Thesis, re-link it to your texts, re-link to the question, etc etc.
- Ensure that your analysis doesn't fall into retell. In some sentences, you are missing a technique (However, this pervasive and penetrating propaganda is best understood when placed within context of ‘doublethink’ which is a concept conceived by the Party to control the thoughts of its members and the whole of society. ), and when techniques are included, you are examining their impact within the text. How they are used to tell the story, what effect they have on the characters, etc. This is retell! Be sure to look at how the techniques:
a) Convey an idea to the audience
b) Represent an aspect of the composers context (EG: The composers use of quasi religious imagery resonates with his Catholic audience... Those sorts of comments) ;D
You do those two things, but not consistently, be sure that every technique/sentence achieves at least one of these things ;D
Just a few things to keep in mind! Good luck for your Trials! ;D
Post by: birdwing341 on August 20, 2016, 07:16:23 pm
I have a speech for Module C next week, which is about 4 minutes long (which is very short), and I really need to cut down on my content. Whilst the speech is by no means perfect, I was wondering if you could assist me in finding areas to cut down on.
Thanks in advance!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 21, 2016, 12:10:55 am
Hello :)
I have a speech for Module C next week, which is about 4 minutes long (which is very short), and I really need to cut down on my content. Whilst the speech is by no means perfect, I was wondering if you could assist me in finding areas to cut down on.
Thanks in advance!!
No worries birdwing! You are on my list, expect some feedback by the end of the weekend! ;D
Post by: birdwing341 on August 21, 2016, 08:27:26 pm
No worries birdwing! You are on my list, expect some feedback by the end of the weekend! ;D
Sorry if you haven't started marking mine yet, could you please wait 20 minutes, I'm just going over and reediting.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 21, 2016, 09:41:44 pm
Sorry if you haven't started marking mine yet, could you please wait 20 minutes, I'm just going over and reediting.
All good! I'll be sitting down with a coffee to mark it in the next hour or so ;D
Post by: birdwing341 on August 21, 2016, 09:49:25 pm
All good! I'll be sitting down with a coffee to mark it in the next hour or so ;D
Thanks so much Jamon, here is the adjusted project. Due tomorrow - last internals ever!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 21, 2016, 11:13:02 pm
Thanks so much Jamon, here is the adjusted project. Due tomorrow - last internals ever!!
Woohoo!! I'll keep the comments fairly quick and concise so you can act on them quickly ;D
Spoiler
Conflict has proven a regular subject of artistic work, as composers are motivated to represent their perspectives on people and politics through an exploration of competing interests within individuals. W.H. Auden’s poems ‘Unknown Citizen’ and ‘September 1 1939’, both written in 1939, and Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s 2007 film ‘The Lives of Others’ represent the conflict between the desire to conform and rebel. Both composers use the structural and literary devices of their medium to emphasise the need for political action in the face of oppression to protect personal freedoms. Nice concise introduction here, good conceptual Thesis, you could delve a bit more into the idea of conflict, exactly what about it will you be exploring/accentuating? Effective start, however ;D
In ‘The Unknown Citizen’, Auden represents the conflict between conformity and freedom by satirising the submission of the eponymous citizen to the will of the state, reflecting on the futility of compliance under societal regimes. Excellent start to the paragraph, well considered and clever. The iambic tetrameter and rhyming couplets of the poem, ‘Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views, for his Union reports that he paid his dues’, create a regular pattern, placing emphasis on the citizen’s ‘views and dues’ to suggest his conformity to society. Who is "his" there? If it is the character, shift the wording there to avoid retell. Auden ironically compares his citizen to the Unknown soldier, symbolic of national service, to suggest the virtue of compliance under societal regimes. Yet the tongue-in-cheek tone of the elegy, whose style suggests intimate understanding of the citizen, insinuates such knowledge is impossible. Instead the rhetorical questions ‘Was he free? Was he happy?’ challenge responders to consider the flawed nature of state control, highlighting the irrationality of conformity. Fabulous analytical style here birdwing, very hard to fault!
‘The Lives of Others’ similarly condemns the intrusion of authority into the realm of personal belief through a representation of conflicting interests of Stasi agent Wiesler and playwright Georg Dreyman in socialist East Germany. Try to keep the starts of each section audience focused, particularly for a speech. Avoid plot retells (however brief), your audience knows it well already. Von Donnersmarck characterises Wiesler through his grey clothing and the drab décor of his house which serve as metonymy for his lack of individuality, much like the conformed ‘views’ of Auden’s citizen. Wiesler is contrasted to Dreyman, whose house is colourful and homely, yet belief in the state is similar – seen in his insistent reply to an accusation he colluded with the Stasi by his moral foil, Paul, ‘I don’t know that’, and further highlighted in the mid-shot of Paul’s subsequent departure. Careful, slipping a bit into retell here, any time you are saying "Character said this" or "This happened to the character", chances are you are relling. Yet von Donnersmarck utilises dramatic irony, contrasting Dreyman’s faith in the state against their clear intrusion into his privacy, established by the repeated switch of focus between both characters. Thus von Donnersmarck condemns the conformity of individuals to such regimes. Nice.
Instead, Auden’s poem ‘September 1 1939’ represents the necessity of political action as a response to the conflict between subservience and subversiveness. Written in response to the outbreak of World War Two, Auden notes that ‘the conventions conspire to make this fort assume the furniture of home’, recognising the allure of state-propagated distraction through the metaphoric likening of a bar to a ‘fort’, yet undermining its credibility through the treacherous connotations of ‘conspire’. Nice contextual link here! Instead Auden utilises repetition of the inclusive pronoun ‘we’, ‘lest we should see where we are, lost in a haunted wood’, to stimulate audience engagement, challenging responders to observe the reality of war in contrast to the symbolic ‘wood’ of isolationism. Awesome. Auden’s understated conclusion ‘may I…[too]…show an affirming flame’ ironically belies his ultimate purpose in inspiring individuals to respond to their own situation with political action to protect their personal freedoms.
Von Donnersmarck concurs with Auden’s desire for individuals to express their political beliefs, representing the importance of action through Dreyman and Wiesler’s responses to their conflicting of will. I like that you are linking your texts as you go! Dreyman’s growing dissatisfaction is depicted in a close-up of his anguished face as he declares ‘I want to change so much’ which, coupled with simplistic low modality language, starkly reminds responders of the necessity of action, in contrast to Auden’s Americans, who embraced the distractions ‘of home’. Slightly retell at the start there, try to just use the technique and limit the explanation of how it works in terms of the characters themselves, you can go your whole speech without them if you choose! Additionally, Wiesler’s disillusionment with societal oppression is revealed in his deliberate ignorance of Dreyman’s actions, emphasised by his non-diagetic voiceover as Dreyman action, which reinforces his role in undermining the authority of the state. The paralleled accounts of Dreyman and Wiesler reinforce the significance of their separate actions, reminding audiences of the necessity of action as a response to the conflict between conformity and freedom under societal oppression.
Therefore, an analysis of Auden and von Donnersmarck’s works reveal the need to respond to societal oppression with political action. Through their exploration of the conflicting interests of conformity and freedom, their perspective on people
In ‘The Unknown Citizen’, Auden represents the conflict between conformity and freedom by satirising the submission of the eponymous citizen to the will of the state, reflecting on the futility of compliance under societal regimes. Excellent start to the paragraph, well considered and clever. The iambic tetrameter and rhyming couplets of the poem, ‘Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views, for his Union reports that he paid his dues’, create a regular pattern, placing emphasis on the citizen’s ‘views and dues’ to suggest his conformity to society. Who is "his" there? If it is the character, shift the wording there to avoid retell. Auden ironically compares his citizen to the Unknown soldier, symbolic of national service, to suggest the virtue of compliance under societal regimes. Yet the tongue-in-cheek tone of the elegy, whose style suggests intimate understanding of the citizen, insinuates such knowledge is impossible. Instead the rhetorical questions ‘Was he free? Was he happy?’ challenge responders to consider the flawed nature of state control, highlighting the irrationality of conformity. Fabulous analytical style here birdwing, very hard to fault!
‘The Lives of Others’ similarly condemns the intrusion of authority into the realm of personal belief through a representation of conflicting interests of Stasi agent Wiesler and playwright Georg Dreyman in socialist East Germany. Try to keep the starts of each section audience focused, particularly for a speech. Avoid plot retells (however brief), your audience knows it well already. Von Donnersmarck characterises Wiesler through his grey clothing and the drab décor of his house which serve as metonymy for his lack of individuality, much like the conformed ‘views’ of Auden’s citizen. Wiesler is contrasted to Dreyman, whose house is colourful and homely, yet belief in the state is similar – seen in his insistent reply to an accusation he colluded with the Stasi by his moral foil, Paul, ‘I don’t know that’, and further highlighted in the mid-shot of Paul’s subsequent departure. Careful, slipping a bit into retell here, any time you are saying "Character said this" or "This happened to the character", chances are you are relling. Yet von Donnersmarck utilises dramatic irony, contrasting Dreyman’s faith in the state against their clear intrusion into his privacy, established by the repeated switch of focus between both characters. Thus von Donnersmarck condemns the conformity of individuals to such regimes. Nice.
Instead, Auden’s poem ‘September 1 1939’ represents the necessity of political action as a response to the conflict between subservience and subversiveness. Written in response to the outbreak of World War Two, Auden notes that ‘the conventions conspire to make this fort assume the furniture of home’, recognising the allure of state-propagated distraction through the metaphoric likening of a bar to a ‘fort’, yet undermining its credibility through the treacherous connotations of ‘conspire’. Nice contextual link here! Instead Auden utilises repetition of the inclusive pronoun ‘we’, ‘lest we should see where we are, lost in a haunted wood’, to stimulate audience engagement, challenging responders to observe the reality of war in contrast to the symbolic ‘wood’ of isolationism. Awesome. Auden’s understated conclusion ‘may I…[too]…show an affirming flame’ ironically belies his ultimate purpose in inspiring individuals to respond to their own situation with political action to protect their personal freedoms.
Von Donnersmarck concurs with Auden’s desire for individuals to express their political beliefs, representing the importance of action through Dreyman and Wiesler’s responses to their conflicting of will. I like that you are linking your texts as you go! Dreyman’s growing dissatisfaction is depicted in a close-up of his anguished face as he declares ‘I want to change so much’ which, coupled with simplistic low modality language, starkly reminds responders of the necessity of action, in contrast to Auden’s Americans, who embraced the distractions ‘of home’. Slightly retell at the start there, try to just use the technique and limit the explanation of how it works in terms of the characters themselves, you can go your whole speech without them if you choose! Additionally, Wiesler’s disillusionment with societal oppression is revealed in his deliberate ignorance of Dreyman’s actions, emphasised by his non-diagetic voiceover as Dreyman action, which reinforces his role in undermining the authority of the state. The paralleled accounts of Dreyman and Wiesler reinforce the significance of their separate actions, reminding audiences of the necessity of action as a response to the conflict between conformity and freedom under societal oppression.
Therefore, an analysis of Auden and von Donnersmarck’s works reveal the need to respond to societal oppression with political action. Through their exploration of the conflicting interests of conformity and freedom, their perspective on people
You'll smash it birdwing, this is a great speech, my comments are definitely limited (nothing concerning enough to warrant major edits the night before anyway)! For easy extra space in your speech, or to add anything you didn't have room for, there are some bits when you are discussing characters/plot that slip into retell. Focus on the technique and its impact on the audience, that is absolutely all you need!! I spotted a few that you could work on, but apply the same ideas everywhere, every paragraph has some retell information that is much less useful to you than your techniques and effects. EG:
Dreyman’s growing dissatisfaction is depicted in a close-up of his anguished face as he declares ‘I want to change so much’ which, coupled with simplistic low modality language, starkly reminds responders of the necessity of action, in contrast to Auden’s Americans, who embraced the distractions ‘of home’.
Becomes:
The composers' use of close up to accentuate the use of simplistic low modality language, "I want to change so much," contrasts Auden's American audience, starkly reminding responders of the necessity of action.
Or something similar, removing the character reference gives you some breathing room ;D
Besides that, you are set to go my friend! It's a great speech with excellent conceptual drive. I could nitpick it a little bit, but there is nothing huge I can recommend to improve it, be sure to get some rest before tomorrow!! Good luck ;D
Post by: birdwing341 on August 21, 2016, 11:38:33 pm
Woohoo!! I'll keep the comments fairly quick and concise so you can act on them quickly ;DSpoilerConflict has proven a regular subject of artistic work, as composers are motivated to represent their perspectives on people and politics through an exploration of competing interests within individuals. W.H. Auden’s poems ‘Unknown Citizen’ and ‘September 1 1939’, both written in 1939, and Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s 2007 film ‘The Lives of Others’ represent the conflict between the desire to conform and rebel. Both composers use the structural and literary devices of their medium to emphasise the need for political action in the face of oppression to protect personal freedoms. Nice concise introduction here, good conceptual Thesis, you could delve a bit more into the idea of conflict, exactly what about it will you be exploring/accentuating? Effective start, however ;D
In ‘The Unknown Citizen’, Auden represents the conflict between conformity and freedom by satirising the submission of the eponymous citizen to the will of the state, reflecting on the futility of compliance under societal regimes. Excellent start to the paragraph, well considered and clever. The iambic tetrameter and rhyming couplets of the poem, ‘Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views, for his Union reports that he paid his dues’, create a regular pattern, placing emphasis on the citizen’s ‘views and dues’ to suggest his conformity to society. Who is "his" there? If it is the character, shift the wording there to avoid retell. Auden ironically compares his citizen to the Unknown soldier, symbolic of national service, to suggest the virtue of compliance under societal regimes. Yet the tongue-in-cheek tone of the elegy, whose style suggests intimate understanding of the citizen, insinuates such knowledge is impossible. Instead the rhetorical questions ‘Was he free? Was he happy?’ challenge responders to consider the flawed nature of state control, highlighting the irrationality of conformity. Fabulous analytical style here birdwing, very hard to fault!
‘The Lives of Others’ similarly condemns the intrusion of authority into the realm of personal belief through a representation of conflicting interests of Stasi agent Wiesler and playwright Georg Dreyman in socialist East Germany. Try to keep the starts of each section audience focused, particularly for a speech. Avoid plot retells (however brief), your audience knows it well already. Von Donnersmarck characterises Wiesler through his grey clothing and the drab décor of his house which serve as metonymy for his lack of individuality, much like the conformed ‘views’ of Auden’s citizen. Wiesler is contrasted to Dreyman, whose house is colourful and homely, yet belief in the state is similar – seen in his insistent reply to an accusation he colluded with the Stasi by his moral foil, Paul, ‘I don’t know that’, and further highlighted in the mid-shot of Paul’s subsequent departure. Careful, slipping a bit into retell here, any time you are saying "Character said this" or "This happened to the character", chances are you are relling. Yet von Donnersmarck utilises dramatic irony, contrasting Dreyman’s faith in the state against their clear intrusion into his privacy, established by the repeated switch of focus between both characters. Thus von Donnersmarck condemns the conformity of individuals to such regimes. Nice.
Instead, Auden’s poem ‘September 1 1939’ represents the necessity of political action as a response to the conflict between subservience and subversiveness. Written in response to the outbreak of World War Two, Auden notes that ‘the conventions conspire to make this fort assume the furniture of home’, recognising the allure of state-propagated distraction through the metaphoric likening of a bar to a ‘fort’, yet undermining its credibility through the treacherous connotations of ‘conspire’. Nice contextual link here! Instead Auden utilises repetition of the inclusive pronoun ‘we’, ‘lest we should see where we are, lost in a haunted wood’, to stimulate audience engagement, challenging responders to observe the reality of war in contrast to the symbolic ‘wood’ of isolationism. Awesome. Auden’s understated conclusion ‘may I…[too]…show an affirming flame’ ironically belies his ultimate purpose in inspiring individuals to respond to their own situation with political action to protect their personal freedoms.
Von Donnersmarck concurs with Auden’s desire for individuals to express their political beliefs, representing the importance of action through Dreyman and Wiesler’s responses to their conflicting of will. I like that you are linking your texts as you go! Dreyman’s growing dissatisfaction is depicted in a close-up of his anguished face as he declares ‘I want to change so much’ which, coupled with simplistic low modality language, starkly reminds responders of the necessity of action, in contrast to Auden’s Americans, who embraced the distractions ‘of home’. Slightly retell at the start there, try to just use the technique and limit the explanation of how it works in terms of the characters themselves, you can go your whole speech without them if you choose! Additionally, Wiesler’s disillusionment with societal oppression is revealed in his deliberate ignorance of Dreyman’s actions, emphasised by his non-diagetic voiceover as Dreyman action, which reinforces his role in undermining the authority of the state. The paralleled accounts of Dreyman and Wiesler reinforce the significance of their separate actions, reminding audiences of the necessity of action as a response to the conflict between conformity and freedom under societal oppression.
Therefore, an analysis of Auden and von Donnersmarck’s works reveal the need to respond to societal oppression with political action. Through their exploration of the conflicting interests of conformity and freedom, their perspective on people
You'll smash it birdwing, this is a great speech, my comments are definitely limited (nothing concerning enough to warrant major edits the night before anyway)! For easy extra space in your speech, or to add anything you didn't have room for, there are some bits when you are discussing characters/plot that slip into retell. Focus on the technique and its impact on the audience, that is absolutely all you need!! I spotted a few that you could work on, but apply the same ideas everywhere, every paragraph has some retell information that is much less useful to you than your techniques and effects. EG:
Dreyman’s growing dissatisfaction is depicted in a close-up of his anguished face as he declares ‘I want to change so much’ which, coupled with simplistic low modality language, starkly reminds responders of the necessity of action, in contrast to Auden’s Americans, who embraced the distractions ‘of home’.
Becomes:
The composers' use of close up to accentuate the use of simplistic low modality language, "I want to change so much," contrasts Auden's American audience, starkly reminding responders of the necessity of action.
Or something similar, removing the character reference gives you some breathing room ;D
Besides that, you are set to go my friend! It's a great speech with excellent conceptual drive. I could nitpick it a little bit, but there is nothing huge I can recommend to improve it, be sure to get some rest before tomorrow!! Good luck ;D
Thanks very much (especially for accommodating that last draft) :) Sorry to bother you at this time of night.
Thanks again!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 21, 2016, 11:48:44 pm
Thanks very much (especially for accommodating that last draft) :) Sorry to bother you at this time of night.
Thanks again!
Oh that's no bother at all! Scan back through the thread, I do most marking at night ;) sorry I couldn't get to it sooner! Be sure to let me know how you go, I'd love to help you polish this up into a great Module essay for your HSC, you have a fantastic basis here ;D
Post by: Spencerr on August 24, 2016, 11:21:00 am
Spoiler
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context. Accordingly, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813)(Pride) and Fay Weldon’s meta-fictional hybrid novel Letters to Alice(1993)(Letters) demonstrates how a transition in context from Austen’s 19th Century Regency England, to Weldon’s late 20TH Century post-modern world, illuminates the dichotomous nature of societal values and attitudes. As both texts explore notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, a comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to creatively enrich textual appreciation.
Austen and Weldon, united in their repudiation of feminine suppression, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Critical of legal institutions, including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride, censures her andocentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Notably, her characterisation of Charlotte as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident in her cynical decree that, “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance,” exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. Charlotte, thus, becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet, Austen’s counter cultural heroine who subverts typical notions of femininity. As despite understanding that matrimony secures financial and social stability, Elizabeth’s emotive rejection of Mr Collins’ proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her deviation from traditional Regency expectations of women to be sensible and obedient. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and hyperbolically “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, Austen emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked by her individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, is characterised as a “connubial felicity,” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen advocates for individual autonomy, as necessary in overcoming repressive social expectations and achieving self-actualisation.
Divergently, Weldon in Letters reshapes the universal value of autonomy in accordance with her postmodern context, notably by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university, highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered by the Equal Pay Act (1970) and the second wave feminist movement. Accounting for dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- whose symbolic “black and green hair” is a manifestation of modern individuality-captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth. Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt a non-conformist ideology and metaphorically “swim against the stream of communal ideals”, emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures. Ironically, Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality when truistically asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”. Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” particularly as she defies Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to emphasise the importance of autonomy for success and in doing so, acts as a foil to Austen’s views of individual fulfilment.
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal. In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, notably conduct books and the pursuit of superficial “accomplishments”, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. To this end, Austen satirically characterises Mary, whom, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility, evident as she “wished to say something sensible, but knew not how.” Didactically asserting that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that a valuable moral education is only attainable through individualistic introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. Exemplifying such, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding, conveyed by asyndeton, “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”. Contrasting with Mary’s stagnant moral growth borne from a defective education, as circumscribed by societal expectations to be “accomplished”, Elizabeth’s epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she ultimately identifies her moral shortcomings. Austen’s bildungsroman Pride thus champions introspection for improving an individual’s moral capacity, emphasising the necessity of individual autonomy for moral growth, a notion reshaped by Weldon in letters.
Whilst Austen advocates for introspection, Weldon in Letters depicts literature as a medium for moral development, celebrating its capacity to evoke empathy. Within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by a modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. In censuring Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, Weldon emphasises, through an anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits moral growth and thus, consolidates Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”. Through the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, imparting readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. Weldon thus asserts that literature figuratively “stretches our sensibilities and our understandings”, enabling readers to empathise through vicarious experiences, this tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Re-contextualising Austen’s canonical novel Pride, Weldon employs statistical data where “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize” to elicit pathos from the reader and thus, retrospectively vindicate Charlotte’s decision to marry Mr Collins. For its incapacity to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Austen satirises postmodern academic institutions through her parody of essay prompts “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, reminiscent of Austen’s reproach on morally ineffectual educations. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her contemporary context, championing the literary canon as a method of self-growth in contrast to Austen’s valuing of introspection.
Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th Century values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th Century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enabling readers to gain a more profound understanding and appreciation of both texts.
Austen and Weldon, united in their repudiation of feminine suppression, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Critical of legal institutions, including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride, censures her andocentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Notably, her characterisation of Charlotte as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident in her cynical decree that, “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance,” exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. Charlotte, thus, becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet, Austen’s counter cultural heroine who subverts typical notions of femininity. As despite understanding that matrimony secures financial and social stability, Elizabeth’s emotive rejection of Mr Collins’ proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her deviation from traditional Regency expectations of women to be sensible and obedient. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and hyperbolically “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, Austen emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked by her individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, is characterised as a “connubial felicity,” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen advocates for individual autonomy, as necessary in overcoming repressive social expectations and achieving self-actualisation.
Divergently, Weldon in Letters reshapes the universal value of autonomy in accordance with her postmodern context, notably by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university, highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered by the Equal Pay Act (1970) and the second wave feminist movement. Accounting for dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- whose symbolic “black and green hair” is a manifestation of modern individuality-captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth. Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt a non-conformist ideology and metaphorically “swim against the stream of communal ideals”, emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures. Ironically, Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality when truistically asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”. Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” particularly as she defies Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to emphasise the importance of autonomy for success and in doing so, acts as a foil to Austen’s views of individual fulfilment.
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal. In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, notably conduct books and the pursuit of superficial “accomplishments”, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. To this end, Austen satirically characterises Mary, whom, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility, evident as she “wished to say something sensible, but knew not how.” Didactically asserting that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that a valuable moral education is only attainable through individualistic introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. Exemplifying such, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding, conveyed by asyndeton, “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”. Contrasting with Mary’s stagnant moral growth borne from a defective education, as circumscribed by societal expectations to be “accomplished”, Elizabeth’s epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she ultimately identifies her moral shortcomings. Austen’s bildungsroman Pride thus champions introspection for improving an individual’s moral capacity, emphasising the necessity of individual autonomy for moral growth, a notion reshaped by Weldon in letters.
Whilst Austen advocates for introspection, Weldon in Letters depicts literature as a medium for moral development, celebrating its capacity to evoke empathy. Within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by a modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. In censuring Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, Weldon emphasises, through an anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits moral growth and thus, consolidates Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”. Through the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, imparting readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. Weldon thus asserts that literature figuratively “stretches our sensibilities and our understandings”, enabling readers to empathise through vicarious experiences, this tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Re-contextualising Austen’s canonical novel Pride, Weldon employs statistical data where “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize” to elicit pathos from the reader and thus, retrospectively vindicate Charlotte’s decision to marry Mr Collins. For its incapacity to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Austen satirises postmodern academic institutions through her parody of essay prompts “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, reminiscent of Austen’s reproach on morally ineffectual educations. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her contemporary context, championing the literary canon as a method of self-growth in contrast to Austen’s valuing of introspection.
Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th Century values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th Century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enabling readers to gain a more profound understanding and appreciation of both texts.
Post by: fredysabu10 on August 25, 2016, 08:04:00 pm
Post by: ssarahj on August 25, 2016, 10:43:32 pm
Hey, can you please give me feedback on this Module A essay...PLEASE!!!
Hey fredysabu10, welcome to the forums! We would love to give you feedback on your essay however there's an ATAR Notes policy that requires 15 posts per essay marked. So hang around the forums and let us know when you've reach that 15 post mark :) You may even like to start with your first post here: Make Your First Post! 8)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 25, 2016, 10:46:52 pm
Hey Jamon, I was wondering if you could mark my Mod A essay. I wrote this for the trials and i only scored 17/20. All the other essays you've marked were 19s/20s :) :) I think in this one I toe the line between retell and analysis a bit but I'd like your opinion before I start fixing it for the HSC.
On the list Spencerr! Sorry you caught me on my busy day, might take another day or two ;D
Post by: Spencerr on August 26, 2016, 12:00:22 am
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 26, 2016, 12:20:54 pm
Hey Jamon, I was wondering if you could mark my Mod A essay. I wrote this for the trials and i only scored 17/20. All the other essays you've marked were 19s/20s :) :) I think in this one I toe the line between retell and analysis a bit but I'd like your opinion before I start fixing it for the HSC.
Hey Spencerr! I can have a go at this one for you, so you have some fresh eyes :)
In the spoiler:
Spoiler
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context. Love this opening sentence!Accordingly, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813)(Pride) and Fay Weldon’s meta-fictional hybrid novel Letters to Alice(1993)(Letters) demonstrates how a transition in context from Austen’s 19th Century Regency England, to Weldon’s late 20TH Century post-modern world, illuminates the dichotomous nature of societal values and attitudes. As both texts explore notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, a comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to creatively enrich textual appreciation. I'm a sucker for introductions being at least four sentences. My thought process behind this is: introductory sentence, one text, second text, summarise. I think you can give a little bit more to the texts individually in separate sentences, but of course you don't want to deal with them in isolation either. So I tend to think that if you introduce Austen's text on its own, you can give the parent text the grounding it deserves. Then, talk about how a comparative study with the second text can enhance a modern insight (or however you wish you approach it). There's nothing wrong with your introduction so far, in fact I think it is because it reads so well that I'm interested in reading more. This is just a suggestion - definitely not a necessity for your work. But it might be worth playing around with it to see what you can get out of it!
It is my preferred approach to write my first sentences of a paragraph as completely removed from the texts or composers. But, it works here! Except, I think it could be stronger if you rearrange the sentence so that the composers are last in the piece. Right now, that take priority over your really insightful idea about suppression and autonomy. By rearranging the syntax, you can get the idea to shine beyond the composer.Austen and Weldon, united in their repudiation of feminine suppression, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Critical of legal institutions, including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride, censures her andocentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Notably, her characterisation of Charlotte as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident in her cynical decree that, “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance,” exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. Charlotte, thus, becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet, Austen’s counter cultural heroine who subverts typical notions of femininity. As despite understanding that matrimony secures financial and social stability, Elizabeth’s emotive rejection of Mr Collins’ proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her deviation from traditional Regency expectations of women to be sensible and obedient. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and hyperbolically “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, This underlined section is beautifully written, and for someone like me who doesn't know the text inside out, I'm learning. The thing is, your marker does know the text and this is story retell. The solution isn't to get rid of all of this! This is wonderfully written. Sometimes it is difficult to discuss characterisation, which is incredibly important to deliver the themes and plot, without going into narration. So I suggest that you actually go back and look specifically for techniques in what you've discussed. Think about tone, metaphors, similes used to describe the characters and their femininity/opposite of femininity, modality (low or high), and simpler things like alliteration. By actually going back into the text and looking for ways these characters have been described, we can use a quote with a technique, which prompts analysis rather than narration. Currently, you've chosen some great quotes. Look for things inside of them, like listing of adjectives - that's a literary manipulation that Austen chose! So rather than getting rid of what you have, jam pack it with techniques, so then you automatically trigger an analysis rather than a retell. Of course, you might need to go back and substitute your current quotes for new ones. But, have a go with what you currently have, and you might be surprised how much more sophisticated you can make it sound. Austen emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked by her individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, is characterised as a “connubial felicity,” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration Love "superlative declaration" that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen advocates for individual autonomy, as necessary in overcoming repressive social expectations and achieving self-actualisation. I'd bring the context back in here a little. The module is a comparative study and you've set yourself up for a context based approach. So, just in this last sentence, I'd suggest bringing it in to the context by suggesting that social expectations of women were rife in the time of Austen specifically.
Divergently, Weldon in Letters reshapes the universal value of autonomy in accordance with her postmodern context, notably by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university, highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered by the Equal Pay Act (1970) and the second wave feminist movement. Accounting for dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- whose symbolic “black and green hair” is a manifestation of modern individuality-captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth. Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt a non-conformist ideology and metaphorically “swim against the stream of communal ideals”, emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures. Ironically, Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality when truistically asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”. Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” particularly as she defies Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to emphasise the importance of autonomy for success and in doing so, acts as a foil to Austen’s views of individual fulfilment. You do a lot less retell in this paragraph in comparison to the first body paragraph, so that's awesome! You've made good links to Austen which is very very impressive. I tend to think that the context idea doesn't come through strong enough though. You mention it in the opening, and you compare the texts well, but if you bring the actual word of "context" forward, and specifically compare the conditions in both, then I think your analysis of the texts will be enhanced. Right now, the idea of autonomy sits solely in the plot, rather than being appreciated in the context of a modern world. If you can prove that it is relevant in the context as well as the plot, then you can make a really cool point that the tension between autonomy and society's suppression is a theme transcendent of contexts.
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal. This last section is very wordy. Perhaps if you reversed the syntax so that this was at the start of the sentence it would be better, because the reader focuses on it rather than brushes it aside as a complicated afterthought. Always privilege the most important part of your sentence first. In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, notably conduct books and the pursuit of superficial “accomplishments”, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. To this end, Austen satirically characterises Mary, whom, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility, evident as she “wished to say something sensible alliteration, but knew not how.” Didactically asserting that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that a valuable moral education is only attainable through individualistic introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. Exemplifying such, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding, conveyed by asyndeton, Yess asyndeton “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”. Contrasting with Mary’s stagnant moral growth borne from a defective education, as circumscribed by societal expectations to be “accomplished”, Elizabeth’s epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she ultimately identifies her moral shortcomings. Austen’s bildungsroman Pride thus champions introspection for improving an individual’s moral capacity, emphasising the necessity of individual autonomy for moral growth, a notion reshaped by Weldon in letters.
Whilst Austen advocates for introspection, Weldon in Letters depicts literature as a medium for moral development, celebrating its capacity to evoke empathy. Within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by a modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. In censuring Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, Weldon emphasises, through an anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits moral growth and thus, consolidates Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”. Through the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, imparting readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. Weldon thus asserts that literature figuratively “stretches our sensibilities and our understandings”, enabling readers to empathise through vicarious experiences, this tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Re-contextualising Austen’s canonical novel Pride, Weldon employs statistical data where “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize” to elicit pathos from the reader and thus, retrospectively vindicate Charlotte’s decision to marry Mr Collins. For its incapacity to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Austen satirises postmodern academic institutions through her parody of essay prompts “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, reminiscent of Austen’s reproach on morally ineffectual educations. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her contemporary context, championing the literary canon as a method of self-growth in contrast to Austen’s valuing of introspection.
Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th Century values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th Century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enabling readers to gain a more profound understanding and appreciation of both texts.
It is my preferred approach to write my first sentences of a paragraph as completely removed from the texts or composers. But, it works here! Except, I think it could be stronger if you rearrange the sentence so that the composers are last in the piece. Right now, that take priority over your really insightful idea about suppression and autonomy. By rearranging the syntax, you can get the idea to shine beyond the composer.Austen and Weldon, united in their repudiation of feminine suppression, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Critical of legal institutions, including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride, censures her andocentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Notably, her characterisation of Charlotte as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident in her cynical decree that, “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance,” exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. Charlotte, thus, becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet, Austen’s counter cultural heroine who subverts typical notions of femininity. As despite understanding that matrimony secures financial and social stability, Elizabeth’s emotive rejection of Mr Collins’ proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her deviation from traditional Regency expectations of women to be sensible and obedient. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and hyperbolically “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, This underlined section is beautifully written, and for someone like me who doesn't know the text inside out, I'm learning. The thing is, your marker does know the text and this is story retell. The solution isn't to get rid of all of this! This is wonderfully written. Sometimes it is difficult to discuss characterisation, which is incredibly important to deliver the themes and plot, without going into narration. So I suggest that you actually go back and look specifically for techniques in what you've discussed. Think about tone, metaphors, similes used to describe the characters and their femininity/opposite of femininity, modality (low or high), and simpler things like alliteration. By actually going back into the text and looking for ways these characters have been described, we can use a quote with a technique, which prompts analysis rather than narration. Currently, you've chosen some great quotes. Look for things inside of them, like listing of adjectives - that's a literary manipulation that Austen chose! So rather than getting rid of what you have, jam pack it with techniques, so then you automatically trigger an analysis rather than a retell. Of course, you might need to go back and substitute your current quotes for new ones. But, have a go with what you currently have, and you might be surprised how much more sophisticated you can make it sound. Austen emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked by her individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, is characterised as a “connubial felicity,” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration Love "superlative declaration" that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen advocates for individual autonomy, as necessary in overcoming repressive social expectations and achieving self-actualisation. I'd bring the context back in here a little. The module is a comparative study and you've set yourself up for a context based approach. So, just in this last sentence, I'd suggest bringing it in to the context by suggesting that social expectations of women were rife in the time of Austen specifically.
Divergently, Weldon in Letters reshapes the universal value of autonomy in accordance with her postmodern context, notably by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university, highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered by the Equal Pay Act (1970) and the second wave feminist movement. Accounting for dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- whose symbolic “black and green hair” is a manifestation of modern individuality-captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth. Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt a non-conformist ideology and metaphorically “swim against the stream of communal ideals”, emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures. Ironically, Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality when truistically asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”. Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” particularly as she defies Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to emphasise the importance of autonomy for success and in doing so, acts as a foil to Austen’s views of individual fulfilment. You do a lot less retell in this paragraph in comparison to the first body paragraph, so that's awesome! You've made good links to Austen which is very very impressive. I tend to think that the context idea doesn't come through strong enough though. You mention it in the opening, and you compare the texts well, but if you bring the actual word of "context" forward, and specifically compare the conditions in both, then I think your analysis of the texts will be enhanced. Right now, the idea of autonomy sits solely in the plot, rather than being appreciated in the context of a modern world. If you can prove that it is relevant in the context as well as the plot, then you can make a really cool point that the tension between autonomy and society's suppression is a theme transcendent of contexts.
Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal. This last section is very wordy. Perhaps if you reversed the syntax so that this was at the start of the sentence it would be better, because the reader focuses on it rather than brushes it aside as a complicated afterthought. Always privilege the most important part of your sentence first. In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, notably conduct books and the pursuit of superficial “accomplishments”, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. To this end, Austen satirically characterises Mary, whom, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility, evident as she “wished to say something sensible alliteration, but knew not how.” Didactically asserting that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that a valuable moral education is only attainable through individualistic introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. Exemplifying such, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding, conveyed by asyndeton, Yess asyndeton “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”. Contrasting with Mary’s stagnant moral growth borne from a defective education, as circumscribed by societal expectations to be “accomplished”, Elizabeth’s epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she ultimately identifies her moral shortcomings. Austen’s bildungsroman Pride thus champions introspection for improving an individual’s moral capacity, emphasising the necessity of individual autonomy for moral growth, a notion reshaped by Weldon in letters.
Whilst Austen advocates for introspection, Weldon in Letters depicts literature as a medium for moral development, celebrating its capacity to evoke empathy. Within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by a modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. In censuring Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, Weldon emphasises, through an anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits moral growth and thus, consolidates Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”. Through the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, imparting readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. Weldon thus asserts that literature figuratively “stretches our sensibilities and our understandings”, enabling readers to empathise through vicarious experiences, this tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Re-contextualising Austen’s canonical novel Pride, Weldon employs statistical data where “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize” to elicit pathos from the reader and thus, retrospectively vindicate Charlotte’s decision to marry Mr Collins. For its incapacity to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Austen satirises postmodern academic institutions through her parody of essay prompts “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, reminiscent of Austen’s reproach on morally ineffectual educations. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her contemporary context, championing the literary canon as a method of self-growth in contrast to Austen’s valuing of introspection.
Awesome work! I commented less towards the end because it was a recurring thing I wanted to comment on so I brought it down here instead. Firstly, it is important you know that often, moving from 17/20 upwards is very difficult. If you're sitting at 10/20, it is easy to make a four mark jump by changing a structural fault, for example. But because you're sitting on 17/20, you're already up the top, you've got the structure, wording, analysis, all right. It's now about enhancing each of those things a little bit to bump you up.
I think your work needs slightly more direction. The idea of autonomy/suppression is strong, but it doesn't carry through equally throughout. Which is totally fine, it just means that the other paragraphs need to have a clear direction. We talk about the education system, which is very unique and I really enjoy it. Consider then, putting that into a thesis statement/concept statement/thematic statement in the introduction. I commented earlier on how the introduction could do with some beefing up, and I think that by fleshing out the next big idea you'll be looking at, other than the autonomy idea, needs to be put in there.
So, hypothetically, let's say these are the two main ideas you want to look into:
-Tension between autonomy and suppression
-Moral development through introspection
These should be introduced in the introduction, and they should be clearly identified throughout as being the direction for paragraphs. So, for me, the autonomy one is the best presented. I knew clearly that it was your idea. Then the moral development through introspection, I wasn't so clear on. I think that comes from the fact that it wasn't clearly expressed when it was introduced (I commented on this above, - about reversing the syntax). So consider rearranging. You juggle a few different themes as well, which is totally fine! I think it is jut about nailing the moral development idea now, and then your work will fall together beautifully. Don't sell yourself short with your conclusion either, you have a very high quality essay above, so make your conclusion about 4 sentences, and make sure that each idea is given as much time as it is due. So, don't be afraid of properly focusing on ideas in summarising them. Often, we look to gloss over them to avoid retell. But, by the time we get to the introduction, a little retell of your first idea is fine, because it won't sound repetitive, because the first idea was read so long ago - if that makes sense? So essentially, give your ideas the time they deserve in the conclusion - the conclusion is the last taste you will give the marker before they calculate your mark!
You should be thrilled with this. It might take some playing around to get this to where you want it. Like I said, often getting those last few marks is the most difficult part. But you can do it! You've given yourself plenty of time to get this right :)
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on August 26, 2016, 12:36:09 pm
Post by: Lauradf36 on August 28, 2016, 11:42:35 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 29, 2016, 03:23:02 pm
I was wondering if you would be able to quickly run over my Module C (People and Politics) adaptable essay and tell me if it is cohesive and makes sense? Nothing too in-depth is really needed but if you could have a brief read over it that would be great
Hey Jimmy! Happy to do it, sorry for the delay, our event at Macleay over the weekend had Elyse and I a tad busy :) technically you needed 25 posts for this mark, but it's one post, yolo ;) you'll need 40 for your next one!
Spoiler
According to the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle’s metaphorical aphorism, ‘Man is a political animal … and a man who lives alone is either a Beast or a God’. I think it is really clever to use a quote in your introduction, very interesting. I'd like to see you explain it in your own words a little bit more (perhaps integrated with your Thesis. This political dichotomy prevalent in Aristotelian times remains a universal truth, as the deemed ‘political beast’ is continuously and unwaveringly critiqued through literary mediums, often represented in a pejorative light to draw the ire of the audience to the (CREATE THESIS). This metafictive concept of the ‘political beast’ is revealed through an analysis of W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O What is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5, all of which depict the (Integrate Thesis) of (Question Stimulus) through their contemptuous and caustic representations of their contextual ‘political beasts’. Can't really comment too much on this, but the framework looks solid. Be sure your Thesis reflects the question accurately ;D
W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles is a reverse pastoral that contrasts the grandeur of Homer’s The Iliad against the baseness and corruption within Auden’s totalitarian-esque reality to accentuate the (Integrate Thesis). Again, I can't really comment on this without a Thesis link. Be careful, you may need to play with your whole sentence, not just the ending. It is unlikely that every question will play nicely into exactly this wording. Auden immediately juxtaposes The Iliad’s myth of ‘marbled, well-governed cities’ against Auden’s modern reality of ‘an artificial wilderness’ to note the epistemological shift throughout history. Techniques for those quotes? The regressive, dystopian reality that emerges from this epistemological shift depicts a humanity that has succumbed to totalitarian regimes, a humanity that is synecdochically dehumanised when Auden depicts ‘a million eyes, a million boots in line/without expression, waiting for a sign’. Again, technique here? Those two sentences could have been blended, as evidenced by the fact that you mentioned epistemological shift twice in quick succession. Construing humanity as ‘an unintelligible multitude’, Auden reveals the ‘political beast’ within totalitarian regimes and their ontological viewpoints, which depict humanity as a single, expressionless and completely obsequious entity as discerned from Auden’s totalitarian reality (Integrate Thesis). HOW is this portrayed though? Be sure to give specific examples of how Auden communicates with his audience and how the relationship between people and politics is portrayed. Auden further represents the dehumanising ontological stance of totalitarian regimes through his accumulative listing of metaphorically bland adjectives, ‘a crowd of ordinary, decent folk, watched from without and neither moved nor spoke’. Better, good blending of a few techniques there! Auden’s construction of humanity under totalitarian regimes is represented as an insipid and anaemic reality, with this sentiment being reified through the juxtaposition of The Iliad’s vigour and vitality, which depicted ‘men and women in a dance/moving their sweet limbs’. This juxtaposition of The Iliad’s liveliness against the bleak and dystopian reality portrayed by Auden aims to combat the nihilistic and dehumanising ontological sentiments perpetuated by totalitarian regimes while (Integrate Thesis). Again, your framework looks solid, can't comment too much without a Thesis (without a Thesis, you have no essay, after all). That said, you definitely need to ensure you are addressing 'representation' adequately in your analysis; you need more techniques throughout! No quote shouldn't have one :)
However, Auden’s imitation of the ballad form in O what is that sound maintains a certain historical anonymity to allow for a universal and timeless message to flourish, the fragility of human bonds when under the intrusion of state forces to exemplify (Integrate Thesis). Again, I caution you against such a rigid topic sentence that doesn't have a Thesis yet, if you get a strange question it might not work as well as you want it to. Be ready to adapt. Auden initially creates this historical anonymity through his nebulous imagery while maintaining a sense of gender neutrality, ‘O what is that light I see flashing so clear … only the sun on their weapons dear’. Why is the gender neutrality significant? Creating this historically vague setting, Auden positions his poem to become timeless and amorphous, ensuring that he critiques the universal concept of state intrusion through construing the forces as ‘Scarlet Soldiers’, (Integrate Thesis). Good reference to being timeless across contexts, if the Thesis is integrated well that is an effective sentence. Auden then employs this historically hazy setting to depict the divorce-esque reaction from the concept of a state intrusion through his repetition of ‘deceiving’ in his rhetorical question, ‘O where are you going? Stay with me here! /Were the vows you swore deceiving, deceiving?’. Be careful not to become chronological with your analysis, no "Then Auden does this," it seems retell-isa, speak about the text from a very abstract perspective. Auden’s portrayal of the spouse violating their connubial vows due to the intrusion from the ‘scarlet soldiers’ intensifies his thesis regarding the fragility of human bonds when faced with the aspect of state intrusion, (Integrate Thesis). Again, you've already got a concept here, the fragility of the human condition. Blending something else could prove very difficult for you. Auden’s denouement follows the flight of one spouse, leaving the state’s ‘scarlet soldiers’ to violently and forcefully intrude upon the most private and sacred of human bastions, the household, as evidenced by Auden’s terrorising, yet vague imagery, ‘O it’s broken the lock and splintered the door … their boots are heavy on the floor/And their eyes are burning’. What does this show the audience? Your textual commentary is effective, but I'm looking for it to be brought full circle, what is the end result for us as an audience, what perspective do we gain? Characterising the state force as an ‘it’, Auden suggests that the ‘scarlet soldiers’ are dependent on the whims of the state, these whims creating the disjointed and discordant reality where lifelong bonds are necessitated to be broken to survive, (Integrate Thesis). Despite the historical anonymity, the contemporaneity of Auden’s message is targeted at European populations who are slowly but systematically being overtaken by fascist and populist militarism, (Integrate Thesis). Another effective framework, though do watch that your analysis doesn't become too text focused and regularly link back to us as an audience. This is a representation essay, so you need to look at how techniques represent things, TO US!
Meanwhile, Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 as a historiographical metafiction uses the postmodernist convention of defamiliarisation to distance the reader from their 1960’s context in the Vietnamese war by framing the novel within WWII to critique the masculinised nature of war in literature and perpetuated by President Lyndon Johnson. That sentence needs to be split, far too long without a pause. Vonnegut initially defamiliarises the reader to address masculinity in war through Mary’s ironic dichotomy when talking about Billy’s experiences in WWII, ‘You were just babies in the war … you’ll pretend you were men instead of babies … war will look wonderful’. Characterising the fighting men as ‘babies’, Vonnegut critiques the hubristic machismo attitudes towards war, then re-familiarises this concept to the reader, saying ‘she thought that wars were partly encouraged by books and movies’. Good. Vonnegut’s metafictive approach re-familiarises and contextualises the reader within their time, alluding to the current Vietnamese conquest while critiquing the pro-Vietnam war rhetoric perpetuated by President Johnson along with the encouragement of war in literature (Integrate Thesis). Vonnegut further questions the quixotically masculinised nature of war through his ironic metaphor ‘Foolish virgins … right at the end of childhood’. Vonnegut suggests that the ‘men’ in war are only ‘foolish virgins’ who are ultimately seduced into war by President Johnson’s extremely sexualised and bellicose rhetoric, as seen when Johnson talks of the bombing raids in Vietnam, saying ‘I’m going up her leg an inch at a time … I’ll get the snatch before they know what’s happening’. Slightly retell here, be careful not to slip into just retelling what happened in the text! Ultimately, Vonnegut’s epistemological scepticism aims to challenge the ontological ideals of masculinised warfare promoted by President Johnson and perpetuated throughout literature in Vonnegut’s 1960’s American context by defamiliarising the Vietnamese war, (Integrate Thesis). My primary comment here would simply be that the essay feels a little imbalanced. The ORT is brought in last and is the smallest paragraph, it feels like an afterthought. Try to increase the amount of analysis for your ORT, there should be a close to even balance between prescribed and ORT :)
Both Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 critique their respective political concerns through idiosyncratic representation of these political agendas. When viewed as a whole, this corpus of texts all experiment with form and language to (Integrate Thesis). Again, not much to say without a Thesis, be sure that the final product is a solid 3-4 sentences :)
W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles is a reverse pastoral that contrasts the grandeur of Homer’s The Iliad against the baseness and corruption within Auden’s totalitarian-esque reality to accentuate the (Integrate Thesis). Again, I can't really comment on this without a Thesis link. Be careful, you may need to play with your whole sentence, not just the ending. It is unlikely that every question will play nicely into exactly this wording. Auden immediately juxtaposes The Iliad’s myth of ‘marbled, well-governed cities’ against Auden’s modern reality of ‘an artificial wilderness’ to note the epistemological shift throughout history. Techniques for those quotes? The regressive, dystopian reality that emerges from this epistemological shift depicts a humanity that has succumbed to totalitarian regimes, a humanity that is synecdochically dehumanised when Auden depicts ‘a million eyes, a million boots in line/without expression, waiting for a sign’. Again, technique here? Those two sentences could have been blended, as evidenced by the fact that you mentioned epistemological shift twice in quick succession. Construing humanity as ‘an unintelligible multitude’, Auden reveals the ‘political beast’ within totalitarian regimes and their ontological viewpoints, which depict humanity as a single, expressionless and completely obsequious entity as discerned from Auden’s totalitarian reality (Integrate Thesis). HOW is this portrayed though? Be sure to give specific examples of how Auden communicates with his audience and how the relationship between people and politics is portrayed. Auden further represents the dehumanising ontological stance of totalitarian regimes through his accumulative listing of metaphorically bland adjectives, ‘a crowd of ordinary, decent folk, watched from without and neither moved nor spoke’. Better, good blending of a few techniques there! Auden’s construction of humanity under totalitarian regimes is represented as an insipid and anaemic reality, with this sentiment being reified through the juxtaposition of The Iliad’s vigour and vitality, which depicted ‘men and women in a dance/moving their sweet limbs’. This juxtaposition of The Iliad’s liveliness against the bleak and dystopian reality portrayed by Auden aims to combat the nihilistic and dehumanising ontological sentiments perpetuated by totalitarian regimes while (Integrate Thesis). Again, your framework looks solid, can't comment too much without a Thesis (without a Thesis, you have no essay, after all). That said, you definitely need to ensure you are addressing 'representation' adequately in your analysis; you need more techniques throughout! No quote shouldn't have one :)
However, Auden’s imitation of the ballad form in O what is that sound maintains a certain historical anonymity to allow for a universal and timeless message to flourish, the fragility of human bonds when under the intrusion of state forces to exemplify (Integrate Thesis). Again, I caution you against such a rigid topic sentence that doesn't have a Thesis yet, if you get a strange question it might not work as well as you want it to. Be ready to adapt. Auden initially creates this historical anonymity through his nebulous imagery while maintaining a sense of gender neutrality, ‘O what is that light I see flashing so clear … only the sun on their weapons dear’. Why is the gender neutrality significant? Creating this historically vague setting, Auden positions his poem to become timeless and amorphous, ensuring that he critiques the universal concept of state intrusion through construing the forces as ‘Scarlet Soldiers’, (Integrate Thesis). Good reference to being timeless across contexts, if the Thesis is integrated well that is an effective sentence. Auden then employs this historically hazy setting to depict the divorce-esque reaction from the concept of a state intrusion through his repetition of ‘deceiving’ in his rhetorical question, ‘O where are you going? Stay with me here! /Were the vows you swore deceiving, deceiving?’. Be careful not to become chronological with your analysis, no "Then Auden does this," it seems retell-isa, speak about the text from a very abstract perspective. Auden’s portrayal of the spouse violating their connubial vows due to the intrusion from the ‘scarlet soldiers’ intensifies his thesis regarding the fragility of human bonds when faced with the aspect of state intrusion, (Integrate Thesis). Again, you've already got a concept here, the fragility of the human condition. Blending something else could prove very difficult for you. Auden’s denouement follows the flight of one spouse, leaving the state’s ‘scarlet soldiers’ to violently and forcefully intrude upon the most private and sacred of human bastions, the household, as evidenced by Auden’s terrorising, yet vague imagery, ‘O it’s broken the lock and splintered the door … their boots are heavy on the floor/And their eyes are burning’. What does this show the audience? Your textual commentary is effective, but I'm looking for it to be brought full circle, what is the end result for us as an audience, what perspective do we gain? Characterising the state force as an ‘it’, Auden suggests that the ‘scarlet soldiers’ are dependent on the whims of the state, these whims creating the disjointed and discordant reality where lifelong bonds are necessitated to be broken to survive, (Integrate Thesis). Despite the historical anonymity, the contemporaneity of Auden’s message is targeted at European populations who are slowly but systematically being overtaken by fascist and populist militarism, (Integrate Thesis). Another effective framework, though do watch that your analysis doesn't become too text focused and regularly link back to us as an audience. This is a representation essay, so you need to look at how techniques represent things, TO US!
Meanwhile, Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 as a historiographical metafiction uses the postmodernist convention of defamiliarisation to distance the reader from their 1960’s context in the Vietnamese war by framing the novel within WWII to critique the masculinised nature of war in literature and perpetuated by President Lyndon Johnson. That sentence needs to be split, far too long without a pause. Vonnegut initially defamiliarises the reader to address masculinity in war through Mary’s ironic dichotomy when talking about Billy’s experiences in WWII, ‘You were just babies in the war … you’ll pretend you were men instead of babies … war will look wonderful’. Characterising the fighting men as ‘babies’, Vonnegut critiques the hubristic machismo attitudes towards war, then re-familiarises this concept to the reader, saying ‘she thought that wars were partly encouraged by books and movies’. Good. Vonnegut’s metafictive approach re-familiarises and contextualises the reader within their time, alluding to the current Vietnamese conquest while critiquing the pro-Vietnam war rhetoric perpetuated by President Johnson along with the encouragement of war in literature (Integrate Thesis). Vonnegut further questions the quixotically masculinised nature of war through his ironic metaphor ‘Foolish virgins … right at the end of childhood’. Vonnegut suggests that the ‘men’ in war are only ‘foolish virgins’ who are ultimately seduced into war by President Johnson’s extremely sexualised and bellicose rhetoric, as seen when Johnson talks of the bombing raids in Vietnam, saying ‘I’m going up her leg an inch at a time … I’ll get the snatch before they know what’s happening’. Slightly retell here, be careful not to slip into just retelling what happened in the text! Ultimately, Vonnegut’s epistemological scepticism aims to challenge the ontological ideals of masculinised warfare promoted by President Johnson and perpetuated throughout literature in Vonnegut’s 1960’s American context by defamiliarising the Vietnamese war, (Integrate Thesis). My primary comment here would simply be that the essay feels a little imbalanced. The ORT is brought in last and is the smallest paragraph, it feels like an afterthought. Try to increase the amount of analysis for your ORT, there should be a close to even balance between prescribed and ORT :)
Both Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 critique their respective political concerns through idiosyncratic representation of these political agendas. When viewed as a whole, this corpus of texts all experiment with form and language to (Integrate Thesis). Again, not much to say without a Thesis, be sure that the final product is a solid 3-4 sentences :)
This is definitely an effective framework Jimmy! There is not much I can say without a Thesis throughout, but in general:
- Mostly effective analysis, in some sections you neglect techniques and/or shift into retell, be careful that the focus remains on representation
- An imbalance exists between your ORT and Prescribed, try and balance them a little more (it should be as close to 50/50 as possible). You could do this by adding a fourth paragraph
- Only minor issues with expression, be sure to regularly read your essay aloud to listen for errors/ambiguities
Primarily, ensure that your framework doesn't restrict your ability to answer the question. Remember, your Thesis must be integrated throughout the whole essay, and your concepts clearly evident in all of your analysis. You've preselected quotes and effects for each paragraph, which will make it difficult to adapt to difficult questions/scenarios. Be prepared to make changes to this adaptable on the fly, and be prepared for them to be more substantial than just integrating a Thesis in key spots. You need to adapt your analysis to the concept, and your concept to the question, so be flexible :) good work!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 29, 2016, 03:49:28 pm
Hi guys! Would you mind giving me some feedback on a Module C essay due on Wednesday? It's a word limit of 1000-1200 and I'm at about 1300 (which I hope is okay lol) but my main concern is that it really stands out! Thanks so much! :P
Hey Laura! Sure thing, comments in bold throughout as usual ;)
Spoiler
Arthur Miller manipulates the representation of individuals to emphasise the impact of political motivation. Evaluate the extent to which this is true in your prescribed text and at least ONE text of your own choosing.
Arthur Miller and Julia Gillard extensively manipulate the representation of individuals to emphasise the impact of conflicting political motivations on the complexity of morality and truth. I'd like to see a more conceptual start to your essay, this feels like a 'second sentence.' What is the big idea you are pushing in your essay, without referencing the texts? Remember, the texts are JUST examples! The 1953 play The Crucible by Miller and Julia Gillard’s 2012 Misogyny Speech employ contrasting portrayals of individuals to suggest the friction created by diverse political perspectives. This 'friction' could form the basis of the first sentence Thesis I mentioned above. Miller explores this tension through a double context of the 1692 witch trials in the Puritan town of Salem, which allegorically represent his personal experience of communist “witch-hunting” led by Senator Joseph McCarthy in the 1950s. Gillard’s speech was conversely written in a time of political instability, and opposition between her ministerial authority and Tony Abbott’s Liberal party. Good context links for both texts, nice job integrating them in a fairly seamless manner. Nonetheless, the authors’ similar use of contrasting characterisation demonstrates the need for communities to recognise individuals voices to preserve a clear sense of morality. What is contrasting about these characterisations? That is the f --- Overall, an effective introduction, but I feel it is missing a bit of focus. What IS the impact of conflicting political perspectives? HOW is it created (you do this, just need a little more)? That's where the focus should be, right now the intro feels just a tad disjointed.
First, Miller extensively manipulates the representation of individuals to display their conflicting political motivations for preserving reputation. I like this, but take 'first,' out, the rationale being that you don't want this to turn into chronological analysis ("this, then this, then this"). In a Puritan society founded on personal righteousness, a faulty reputation could result in social and physical punishment. Miller presents Reverend Parris as attempting to uphold his position of power and control, when Abigail urges that “the rumour of witchcraft is all about; I think you'd best go down [to the congregation] and deny it yourself.” (p18) You don't need page numbers if you don't like (unless your teacher wants them). Further, technique for that quote? This emotive emphasis on “denial” suggests an underlying fear of alignment with those alienated from society, symbolised as “witches”. Thus, Parris retorts, “And what shall I say to them? That my daughter and niece I discovered dancing like heathen in the forest?” ( p19) Slipping into retell here, at no stage should you devote an entire sentence to recounting what a character said in the text with no other inclusions. Blend it with the next sentence )possibly trimming the quote in the process? Miller employs rhetorical questions to communicate a sense of uncertainty, portraying Parris as apprehensive to accept his family’s ostracisation as religious “heathens”. What effect does this have on the audience? What does it show us about the effects of conflicting political perspectives? Comparatively, the characterisation of Proctor conveys the affirmation of integrity and identity as his fundamental motivation for preserving reputation. This reflects Miller’s own experiences in the McCarthy era, in which employment and status were threatened by accusations from the House Un-American Activities Committee. Again, nice contextual links. Proctor hence declares that “God does not need my name nailed upon a Church!” (p124). Miller utilises an interjection to demonstrate Proctor’s passionate desire to uphold the identity symbolised by his “name”. The protagonist then explains, “How may I live without my name?” (p124) The repetition of “name” reinforces the importance Proctor places on his reputation, ultimately at the expense of his own life. This contrasting ideal creates inherent tension between individual political motivations in the play. My big comment on this paragraph would concern style and expression. You are devoting an entire sentence to recounting something from the text, and then the next saying okay, this was the technique, this was what it portrayed, etc. In that combo, the first sentence becomes almost completely irrelevant, because it is retell. Try trimming your quotes and ditching the plot details, and focusing more heavily on the representation and effect on the audience.
Gillard’s Misogyny Speech explores similarly conflicting motivations, however through contrasting desires to destroy reputation for political gain. I like this intro, it flows nicely from what came before and offers a nice comparison. With ongoing criticism in media due to controversial policies, Gillard reveals she had been harmfully characterised by Abbot who stated “Every day the Prime Minister stands in this Parliament will be… another day of shame for a government which should already have died of shame.” This repetition of “shame” emotively emphasises Abbot’s attempt to denigrate the public perception of Gillard’s leadership. Again, as a marker, you scare me when the technique follows the quote like that. For a split second I feel like you aren't going to analyse it; you can make your writing more succinct and more powerful by adding the technique in the same sentence as the quote, and perhaps even the effect as well. The composer further describes how “the Leader of the Opposition went outside in the front of Parliament and stood next to a sign that said ‘Ditch the witch.’” Similar to Miller’s play, the term “witch” is an symbol of societal exclusion and alienation. Good. Gillard also utilises imagery of Abbot’s stance to demonstrate his alignment with these derogatory perceptions of her character. However, the Minister counters this manipulation with a detrimental portrayal of Abbot’s reputation. Gillard utilises a diatribe format, declaring she had received “Misogyny, sexism, every day from this Leader of the Opposition.” The composer employs negative emotive language to clearly represent Abbot’s discriminatory and demeaning character. She also condemns his usage of sexism “as a battering ram against someone else.” Thus showing us ________. Remember, even though you are effectively linking technique to effect, this effect needs to link to the question and the Module. How does the technique represent the relationship between people and politics to US as an audience? This metaphorically depicts Abbot as potentially destructive, and further indicates his shaping of Gillard’s reputation was politically motivated. Due to the disrepute surrounding speaker Peter Slipper, this representation of Abbot’s character was a clear attempt to manipulate the media, supporting Gillard’s authority and distracting from her personal political dilemmas. Nonetheless, this reveals the continual conflicts created by individual political motivations in a community. An effective paragraph, but I think you could link to the question a little bit more, and further, link to the audience more. Representation essays demand that you address the impacts of that representation on the audience.
Miller and Gillard then extensively emphasise the impact of these motivations by demonstrating the complexity created for morality and truth. The Crucible displays the difficulty of determining individual morality in a society defined by communal perceptions of truth. Excellent. Proctor attempts to autonomously judge Parris’ character, declaring that “I see no light of God in that man. I’ll not conceal it.” Proctor clearly rejects Parris’ representation with the innate purity and righteousness Salem esteemed, as symbolised by “light”. What does this show about the impact of political motivation? However, Puritan society also demanded rigid adherence to strict moral codes, prohibiting individuals from questioning the heteronomy of the majority. This is manifest in Hale’s rebuke that “That is not for you to decide. The man’s ordained, therefore the light of God is in him.” (p63) The short syntax of the first sentence communicates the commanding and powerful position of authority, thus emphasising the dictation of symbolic “light” and morality. Again, some sentence blending would greatly benefit your expression. See below for an example. Miller then suggests this catalysed Proctor’s inability to determine his individual sense of truth. Retell. He laments, “Then who will judge me?… God in Heaven, who is John Proctor, what is John Proctor?” (p120) Miller uses rhetorical questioning to reflect the character’s feeling of lostness and uncertainty about the source of morality, in a community where autonomy was inherently removed. Thus showing us... Proctor’s cry allegorically represents Miller’s struggle during the McCarthy era, when he believed individual morality was removed by communal hysteria regarding the communist “red terror”. Good contextual link. This political perspective is revealed in Miller’s introduction that “the sin of public terror is that it divests man of conscience, or himself”. The composer thus reveals how these political motives can detrimentally impact individuals in their search for morality. Same concerns as above, definitely need more links to the question and you could tidy your expression a bit too!
Gillard’s Misogyny Speech then uses characterisation to reveal the impact of opposing motivations on the complexity of concealing or revealing truth. In an era of constant leadership vacillation and disillusionment with politicians, Gillard represents her opposition as inherently deceptive. She accuses his politically motivated accusations of “Peddling a standard for Mr Slipper he would not set for himself”, employing the metaphor of “peddling” to depict Abbot’s promotion of his reputation as fallacious communication of truth. Gillard also states her opposition is “Capable of double standards, but incapable of change. His double standards should not rule this Parliament.” This repetition of “double standards” emphasises her belief in Abbot’s misrepresentation of reality. I love your techniques here, but make sure to extend the consequences BEYOND the composer and context. Like, we as an audience don't care too much about Gillard v Abbott, we are interested in what we learn about conflicting political perspectives in general. Again, your text should only act as evidence to the greater idea, the idea isn't the text itself. In contrast, Gillard manipulates her own characterisation to suggest she is searching for truth like Miller’s Proctor. She closes by declaring “And on that basis, because of the Leader of the Opposition's motivations, this Parliament today should reject this motion”. The emotive language of “rejecting” corruption emphasise Gillard’s intent to reveal a clear sense of morality, unpolluted by Abbot’s corrupted motivations for self-promotion. She also states a personal search for truth is necessary, declaring if Abbot “wants to know what misogyny looks like in modern Australia… he needs a mirror.” The symbol of a “mirror” becomes an icon of the need for individual reflection to determine a clear sense of morality. The minister’s bias must also be considered, as Peter Hatcher suggests this contrasting representation of individuals aimed to impact public perceptions of the opposition in an era of uncertainty. (motives not impact?) Overall, the text exposes a clear tension between ideas of morality and truth due to the opposing political motives of individuals.
It is therefore evident that Arthur Miller and Julia Gillard extensively manipulate the representation of individuals to emphasise the impact of conflicting political motivations on the complexity of morality and truth. The 1953 play The Crucible by Miller and Julia Gillard’s 2012 Misogyny Speech employ contrasting portrayals of individuals to demonstrate the tension created by the diversity of political perspectives in a community. Overall, the texts clearly reveal the friction between individual and societal perceptions of morality that has existed throughout history and will continue to cause conflict in ages to come.
Arthur Miller and Julia Gillard extensively manipulate the representation of individuals to emphasise the impact of conflicting political motivations on the complexity of morality and truth. I'd like to see a more conceptual start to your essay, this feels like a 'second sentence.' What is the big idea you are pushing in your essay, without referencing the texts? Remember, the texts are JUST examples! The 1953 play The Crucible by Miller and Julia Gillard’s 2012 Misogyny Speech employ contrasting portrayals of individuals to suggest the friction created by diverse political perspectives. This 'friction' could form the basis of the first sentence Thesis I mentioned above. Miller explores this tension through a double context of the 1692 witch trials in the Puritan town of Salem, which allegorically represent his personal experience of communist “witch-hunting” led by Senator Joseph McCarthy in the 1950s. Gillard’s speech was conversely written in a time of political instability, and opposition between her ministerial authority and Tony Abbott’s Liberal party. Good context links for both texts, nice job integrating them in a fairly seamless manner. Nonetheless, the authors’ similar use of contrasting characterisation demonstrates the need for communities to recognise individuals voices to preserve a clear sense of morality. What is contrasting about these characterisations? That is the f --- Overall, an effective introduction, but I feel it is missing a bit of focus. What IS the impact of conflicting political perspectives? HOW is it created (you do this, just need a little more)? That's where the focus should be, right now the intro feels just a tad disjointed.
First, Miller extensively manipulates the representation of individuals to display their conflicting political motivations for preserving reputation. I like this, but take 'first,' out, the rationale being that you don't want this to turn into chronological analysis ("this, then this, then this"). In a Puritan society founded on personal righteousness, a faulty reputation could result in social and physical punishment. Miller presents Reverend Parris as attempting to uphold his position of power and control, when Abigail urges that “the rumour of witchcraft is all about; I think you'd best go down [to the congregation] and deny it yourself.” (p18) You don't need page numbers if you don't like (unless your teacher wants them). Further, technique for that quote? This emotive emphasis on “denial” suggests an underlying fear of alignment with those alienated from society, symbolised as “witches”. Thus, Parris retorts, “And what shall I say to them? That my daughter and niece I discovered dancing like heathen in the forest?” ( p19) Slipping into retell here, at no stage should you devote an entire sentence to recounting what a character said in the text with no other inclusions. Blend it with the next sentence )possibly trimming the quote in the process? Miller employs rhetorical questions to communicate a sense of uncertainty, portraying Parris as apprehensive to accept his family’s ostracisation as religious “heathens”. What effect does this have on the audience? What does it show us about the effects of conflicting political perspectives? Comparatively, the characterisation of Proctor conveys the affirmation of integrity and identity as his fundamental motivation for preserving reputation. This reflects Miller’s own experiences in the McCarthy era, in which employment and status were threatened by accusations from the House Un-American Activities Committee. Again, nice contextual links. Proctor hence declares that “God does not need my name nailed upon a Church!” (p124). Miller utilises an interjection to demonstrate Proctor’s passionate desire to uphold the identity symbolised by his “name”. The protagonist then explains, “How may I live without my name?” (p124) The repetition of “name” reinforces the importance Proctor places on his reputation, ultimately at the expense of his own life. This contrasting ideal creates inherent tension between individual political motivations in the play. My big comment on this paragraph would concern style and expression. You are devoting an entire sentence to recounting something from the text, and then the next saying okay, this was the technique, this was what it portrayed, etc. In that combo, the first sentence becomes almost completely irrelevant, because it is retell. Try trimming your quotes and ditching the plot details, and focusing more heavily on the representation and effect on the audience.
Gillard’s Misogyny Speech explores similarly conflicting motivations, however through contrasting desires to destroy reputation for political gain. I like this intro, it flows nicely from what came before and offers a nice comparison. With ongoing criticism in media due to controversial policies, Gillard reveals she had been harmfully characterised by Abbot who stated “Every day the Prime Minister stands in this Parliament will be… another day of shame for a government which should already have died of shame.” This repetition of “shame” emotively emphasises Abbot’s attempt to denigrate the public perception of Gillard’s leadership. Again, as a marker, you scare me when the technique follows the quote like that. For a split second I feel like you aren't going to analyse it; you can make your writing more succinct and more powerful by adding the technique in the same sentence as the quote, and perhaps even the effect as well. The composer further describes how “the Leader of the Opposition went outside in the front of Parliament and stood next to a sign that said ‘Ditch the witch.’” Similar to Miller’s play, the term “witch” is an symbol of societal exclusion and alienation. Good. Gillard also utilises imagery of Abbot’s stance to demonstrate his alignment with these derogatory perceptions of her character. However, the Minister counters this manipulation with a detrimental portrayal of Abbot’s reputation. Gillard utilises a diatribe format, declaring she had received “Misogyny, sexism, every day from this Leader of the Opposition.” The composer employs negative emotive language to clearly represent Abbot’s discriminatory and demeaning character. She also condemns his usage of sexism “as a battering ram against someone else.” Thus showing us ________. Remember, even though you are effectively linking technique to effect, this effect needs to link to the question and the Module. How does the technique represent the relationship between people and politics to US as an audience? This metaphorically depicts Abbot as potentially destructive, and further indicates his shaping of Gillard’s reputation was politically motivated. Due to the disrepute surrounding speaker Peter Slipper, this representation of Abbot’s character was a clear attempt to manipulate the media, supporting Gillard’s authority and distracting from her personal political dilemmas. Nonetheless, this reveals the continual conflicts created by individual political motivations in a community. An effective paragraph, but I think you could link to the question a little bit more, and further, link to the audience more. Representation essays demand that you address the impacts of that representation on the audience.
Miller and Gillard then extensively emphasise the impact of these motivations by demonstrating the complexity created for morality and truth. The Crucible displays the difficulty of determining individual morality in a society defined by communal perceptions of truth. Excellent. Proctor attempts to autonomously judge Parris’ character, declaring that “I see no light of God in that man. I’ll not conceal it.” Proctor clearly rejects Parris’ representation with the innate purity and righteousness Salem esteemed, as symbolised by “light”. What does this show about the impact of political motivation? However, Puritan society also demanded rigid adherence to strict moral codes, prohibiting individuals from questioning the heteronomy of the majority. This is manifest in Hale’s rebuke that “That is not for you to decide. The man’s ordained, therefore the light of God is in him.” (p63) The short syntax of the first sentence communicates the commanding and powerful position of authority, thus emphasising the dictation of symbolic “light” and morality. Again, some sentence blending would greatly benefit your expression. See below for an example. Miller then suggests this catalysed Proctor’s inability to determine his individual sense of truth. Retell. He laments, “Then who will judge me?… God in Heaven, who is John Proctor, what is John Proctor?” (p120) Miller uses rhetorical questioning to reflect the character’s feeling of lostness and uncertainty about the source of morality, in a community where autonomy was inherently removed. Thus showing us... Proctor’s cry allegorically represents Miller’s struggle during the McCarthy era, when he believed individual morality was removed by communal hysteria regarding the communist “red terror”. Good contextual link. This political perspective is revealed in Miller’s introduction that “the sin of public terror is that it divests man of conscience, or himself”. The composer thus reveals how these political motives can detrimentally impact individuals in their search for morality. Same concerns as above, definitely need more links to the question and you could tidy your expression a bit too!
Gillard’s Misogyny Speech then uses characterisation to reveal the impact of opposing motivations on the complexity of concealing or revealing truth. In an era of constant leadership vacillation and disillusionment with politicians, Gillard represents her opposition as inherently deceptive. She accuses his politically motivated accusations of “Peddling a standard for Mr Slipper he would not set for himself”, employing the metaphor of “peddling” to depict Abbot’s promotion of his reputation as fallacious communication of truth. Gillard also states her opposition is “Capable of double standards, but incapable of change. His double standards should not rule this Parliament.” This repetition of “double standards” emphasises her belief in Abbot’s misrepresentation of reality. I love your techniques here, but make sure to extend the consequences BEYOND the composer and context. Like, we as an audience don't care too much about Gillard v Abbott, we are interested in what we learn about conflicting political perspectives in general. Again, your text should only act as evidence to the greater idea, the idea isn't the text itself. In contrast, Gillard manipulates her own characterisation to suggest she is searching for truth like Miller’s Proctor. She closes by declaring “And on that basis, because of the Leader of the Opposition's motivations, this Parliament today should reject this motion”. The emotive language of “rejecting” corruption emphasise Gillard’s intent to reveal a clear sense of morality, unpolluted by Abbot’s corrupted motivations for self-promotion. She also states a personal search for truth is necessary, declaring if Abbot “wants to know what misogyny looks like in modern Australia… he needs a mirror.” The symbol of a “mirror” becomes an icon of the need for individual reflection to determine a clear sense of morality. The minister’s bias must also be considered, as Peter Hatcher suggests this contrasting representation of individuals aimed to impact public perceptions of the opposition in an era of uncertainty. (motives not impact?) Overall, the text exposes a clear tension between ideas of morality and truth due to the opposing political motives of individuals.
It is therefore evident that Arthur Miller and Julia Gillard extensively manipulate the representation of individuals to emphasise the impact of conflicting political motivations on the complexity of morality and truth. The 1953 play The Crucible by Miller and Julia Gillard’s 2012 Misogyny Speech employ contrasting portrayals of individuals to demonstrate the tension created by the diversity of political perspectives in a community. Overall, the texts clearly reveal the friction between individual and societal perceptions of morality that has existed throughout history and will continue to cause conflict in ages to come.
This is a cool essay Laura! Excellent textual references and techniques, great contextual links, and a balanced structure between your Prescribed and ORT texts. This is hard to do in Module C, so kudos for that especially, your balance is perfect!
I would have two main comments; first, ensure that you create and sustain a proper Thesis. The introduction is a little bit disjointed, I don't quite get the BIG idea that you are pushing. Remember, this idea should be separate from your texts, the texts are just an example. Have a play with wording and things to see if you can get a big idea to shine, and give it lots of attention not only in your intro, but throughout! This should help you link to the question more effectively too.
My second comment is on expression, specifically, blending quotes and techniques into one sentence. Let me give you an example:
Your version:
This is manifest in Hale’s rebuke that “That is not for you to decide. The man’s ordained, therefore the light of God is in him.” (p63) The short syntax of the first sentence communicates the commanding and powerful position of authority, thus emphasising the dictation of symbolic “light” and morality.
By mixing the order, you can blend this in a single sentence:
The short syntax of, "That is not for you to decide," communicates the commanding and powerful position of authority, thus emphasising the dictation of symbolic "light" and morality.
Identical statements, mixing the order makes it more succinct and more powerful. Try these sorts of modifications if you feel comfortable!
All that said, great work! I really like this essay, it has a lot going for it and I bet it will do really well ;D
Post by: Lauradf36 on August 29, 2016, 07:30:26 pm
With blending quotes and techniques, would you still state the quote or just use it integrated?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 29, 2016, 08:00:15 pm
Thanks so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it!
With blending quotes and techniques, would you still state the quote or just use it integrated?
No worries! I'm not 100% sure what you mean, but I believe "integrated" would be my answer, happy to clarify if you could give me an example of what you mean by each? ;D
Post by: Lauradf36 on August 29, 2016, 10:09:27 pm
No worries! I'm not 100% sure what you mean, but I believe "integrated" would be my answer, happy to clarify if you could give me an example of what you mean by each? ;D
Oh yeah soz - I mean stating the quote & then also analysing “That is not for you to decide. The man’s ordained, therefore the light of God is in him.” (p63) The short syntax of, "That is not for you to decide," communicates the commanding and powerful position of authority, thus emphasising the dictation of symbolic "light" and morality.
Or just analysing within - The short syntax of, "That is not for you to decide," communicates the commanding and powerful position of authority, thus emphasising the dictation of symbolic "light" and morality.
So basically stating the quote once or twice if that makes any more sense...
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 29, 2016, 11:02:55 pm
Oh yeah soz - I mean stating the quote & then also analysing “That is not for you to decide. The man’s ordained, therefore the light of God is in him.” (p63) The short syntax of, "That is not for you to decide," communicates the commanding and powerful position of authority, thus emphasising the dictation of symbolic "light" and morality.
Or just analysing within - The short syntax of, "That is not for you to decide," communicates the commanding and powerful position of authority, thus emphasising the dictation of symbolic "light" and morality.
So basically stating the quote once or twice if that makes any more sense...
Oh I'm with you! Definitely the second one, or at least that is much more my style, it flows much better in my opinion and definitely saves you lots of words (if you need to cut, there is an easy way!) ;D
Post by: christie2584 on August 30, 2016, 09:29:48 pm
The intertextual connections between Mrs Dalloway and The Hours heighten our understanding of the ways the texts communicate experiences of joy and despair.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to both your prescribed texts.
In the comparative study of Virginia Woolf's modernist novel "Mrs. Dalloway" (1925) and Stephen Daldry's post-modern film "The Hours" (2002), the universal human experiences are demonstrated, allowing a heightened understanding of joy and despair. Both texts work intertexually to shape our perception of human experiences and our own outlook on life.
In her post World War One era, Woolf recognised the trauma and horrors of war. She saw the world's bleaker outlook on life and realised its transience and death was "inevitable". This despair is communicated by the stream of consciousness in Clarissa's mind, "Did it matter the? Did it matter that she must inevitably cease completely?". These successive rhetorical questions prods the reader's thought and also highlight the futility of human life. Being a suffering of depression and bipolar disorder, Woolf was very attuned to the concern of mental illness. She allowed the readers to delve into Septimus' interior world, as "the world" became "standstill". Her clever manipulation of rhythm pauses the pace of the novel, allowing her reader to reflect and understand the post traumatic stress of returning soldiers. This is furthered by Woolf's personification, "The world has raised its whip, where shall it descend?", showing strong notions of fear, paranoia and anxiety. Woolf also advocates for feminist concerns, by conveying female suffering in Rezia's silent outcry "Help! Help!". She furthers this in "It was she who suffered, but she had no one to tell". This notion of suffering and inner turmoil is revealed as Woolf explores the "external suffering and that eternal loneliness", thus reflecting and responding to the despair of her war-torn world.
Similarly, Daldry reflects the issue of his won world through the interactions of Clarissa and Richard. Using mise-en-scene in an over-the-shoulder shot, the audience can identify the AIDS magnets on Richard's fridge. This connects strongly with Daldry's context, showing the AIDS endemic of his time and also the stigma associated with it. In the establishing shot of Richard's bleak grid-like complex, Daldry symbolically shows how society has compartmentalised Richard, ostracising him due to this illness. The bleak blue interiors also act as a reflection of Richard's ouwn perspective of life as he morbidly asks Clarissa "Would you be angry if I died?". Not only does Daldry connect with his contemporary world, but he also parallels the lives of the three women in parallel cuts of them in bed as their respective partners leave home. In this, Daldry creates the notion of a universal suffering woman and extends Woolf's feminist concerns to a modern and post modern context. His use of jaundice hues gives Laura's kitchen a stifling atmosphere, evoking a strong sense of restraint and claustrophobia. The repeated orchestral motif in the non-diejetic music creates an eerie, restless atmosphere further highlighting Laura's confinement. Daldry uses the bird in Virginia's garden as a symbol for the transience of life and that despite the lushness and fertility of the garden, life was inevitably "cease". Thus Daldry reflects his own world and also trhe worlds of others as he demonstrates the despair and hopelessness across the three contexts.
Despite this bleak morbidity, Woolf encourages her audience to find fulfillment, independence and joy. She expresses her love for life through Clarissa, who despite the war and disrupted world, she sought to give a party to "kindle and illuminate". This light image conveys a sense of hope, almost reviving the vitality of life that existed before the war. She also conveys Clarissa who despite the social pressures placed on women, embraced her role as a "perfect hostess" and used her "gift" to bring her fragmented society together. The notion of life and vibrancy is exclaimed in "Her parties! It was her parties!". This sense of epiphany and excitement brings life and joy to Woolf's desolate world. Woolf also uses Clarissa's daughter Elizabeth as a representation for a new woman, inviting her female audience towards independence and self-fulfillment. Elizabeth is portrayed as "she did not care a straw for either of them" showing Woolf's rejection of female stereotypes but instead her embrace for feminism and female empowerment. This is more strongly conveyed as Elizabeth travels the streets of London by herself, revealing the independence and desire for self-fulfillment. Thus Woolf urges her audience, in particular her female readers, to rise from this desolate world and forge a path for independence, joy and self-fulfillment.
Daldry echoes Woolf's novel in the parties which the three women held. Richard's dialogue in "Oh Mrs Dalloway, always giving parties to cover up the silence", shows an explicit reference to Woolf's novel and shows how likewise Clarissa Vaughn is embracing her role and using her "gift". The long shot of Clarissa striding purposefully to the florist conveys the notion of an independent woman. Daldry thus urges his female audience towards such feminist values. Flowers are also explicit links to the novel. Though they can represent life's fleetingness, Daldry shows in Clarissa's appreciation of the flowers, that they can in fact be symbols for life and its vitality. Daldry's close up shot of Virginia's feet as she walked into the water can be paralleled later by a close up shot of Laura's walking feet in the hotel. Daldry's manipulation in camera work emphasises the women's determination, showing their conscious decision to break away from social expectations but instead forge their won paths. This is further supported in Laura's dialogue, "It was death. I chose life" which echoes Virginia's outburst at the train station "If i were to choose between Richmond and death. I choose death." These two dialogues convey the women's self-autonomy, reflecting Woolf's desire for female independence. Daldry closes the film with a midshot of Clarissa smiling, using the soft lighting to create a sense of contentment and fulfillment.
Both texts therefore, work together intertexually to reflect the joys and despair of human expediences. Both composers draw from the personal and wider world to present to the audience the complexities of the interior mind and the individual struggle to attain joy despite being in a world of despair.
Teacher's comment: 18/20 A succinct piece which attempts to address the question and shapes material effectively to do so. Film techniques are present - pleasing. Perhaps evaluate a little more. Apt examples for essay.
Thankyou for having a look at this!
Post by: ssarahj on August 30, 2016, 09:34:30 pm
Module A
The intertextual connections between Mrs Dalloway and The Hours heighten our understanding of the ways the texts communicate experiences of joy and despair.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to both your prescribed texts.
Hey christie2584, welcome to the forums! We would love to give you feedback on your essay however there's an ATAR Notes policy that requires 15 posts per essay marked. So hang around the forums and let us know when you've reach that 15 post mark :) You may even like to start with your first post here: Make Your First Post! ! 8)
Post by: Lauradf36 on August 30, 2016, 10:52:05 pm
In the comparative study of Virginia Woolf's modernist novel "Mrs. Dalloway" (1925) and Stephen Daldry's post-modern film "The Hours" (2002), the universal human experiences are demonstrated, allowing a heightened understanding of joy and despair. Both texts work intertexually to shape our perception of human experiences and our own outlook on life.
just for the fun of it, here are my thoughts (definitely not gospel) -
I personally think a longer introduction & conclusion might benefit you here. You might want to briefly outline the context of both texts & elaborate on your key ideas. That could be just personal preference though :P
Also you might want to elaborate on the phrase "issue of a won world"? Not sure if this is a spelling mistake or what but it's not super clear :)
I would agree with your teacher's comment. Sometimes more evaluation can be as easy as adding an extra sentence after a quote - an extra technique or clear link to context, an elaboration on the depth of ideas presented etc.
Overall this is pretty awesome though, I love getting to read everyone else's essays, hee hee! we're doing Gatsby & Sonnets for this module, so similar idea but very different themes :P
Post by: Sssssrr on August 31, 2016, 07:00:14 pm
I was wondering if you could have a look at my Module B essay on speeches it would be much appreciated
Thanks, sam
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 02, 2016, 12:22:46 am
Hey guys,
I was wondering if you could have a look at my Module B essay on speeches it would be much appreciated
Thanks, sam
Hey Sam! Thanks for posting, I'd love to, your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold :)
Spoiler
A speech is composed with the intention of satisfying its composer’s contextual purpose. I'd like a tad more depth here, this Thesis is good but just a tad simple, you could do more! However, speeches that achieve an equilibrium between the ideas conveyed and effective employment of rhetoric, transcend the immediate context of the speech, and retain a sense of relevance for future generations. Good links to the module there. Both Margaret Atwood’s 1994 ‘Spotty Handed Villainesses’, and Anwar Sadat’s 1977 ‘Statement to the Knesset’, effectively employ rhetoric to highlight the imperative for justice, through the glorification of social equality. Additionally, Atwood and Sadat explore the influence of the past, and illustrate the ability for past values to influence the actions of today, thus instilling a sense of responsibility to their respective audiences. Atwood examines these ideas from a feminist perspective, while Sadat from a racial perspective. How does this difference impact on the way the texts are composed? --- A fantastic introduction on the whole, the framework is rock solid.
Anwar Sadat’s ‘Statement to the Knesset’, emphasises the imperative for justice, highlighting the significance of social equality, irrespective of race or religion. Good start to the paragraph, you could try making it purely conceptual but I think the blend of text and concept works well for the way you are constructing this essay. Sadat presented the speech in 1977 to the Israeli Knesset, with the ultimate purpose of achieving a peace settlement between Egypt and Israel. This info, if you'd like to use it, would probably be better in the introduction to set the stage. Remember to keep statements like this to a minimum, only bring in context as part of your analysis. Sadat approaches this purpose by prioritising the fundamental sense of humanity common to both countries. The use of pathos, ‘Any life lost in war is a human life’, diminishes the differences between the countries, portraying the fragility of humanity, thus highlighting the need for social equality and subsequently justice. Fabulous. Sadat also establishes a religious congruency between Jews, Arabs and Christians, stating that they all ‘worship God and no one but God’, subsequently uniting his audience through the universality of their faiths. Sadat then employs Logos, through syllogistic reasoning, ‘God’s teachings and commandments are love sincerity, purity and peace,’ thus implying that these commandments are being broken through the ongoing conflict and discourse, positioning his audience to recognise the implications of their actions, reiterating the imperative for justice. Your analytical style is fantastic, extremely powerful. Sadat’s repetition of his motif, ‘Permanent peace based on justice,’ reiterates the importance of peace to his audience, effectively emphasising the imperative for justice. Great analysis here, but this paragraph is missing a nice conclusion to wrap everything together. Also remember to tie in your "universal audience," relate to our interpretation of the speeches from a contemporary perspective!
Similarly, Margaret Atwood’s ‘Spotty Handed Villainesses’, also emphasises the imperative for justice, but alternatively through the denunciation of the inequitable portrayal of woman in literature. Like Sadat, Atwood also attempts to create social change through her speech, ultimately trying to incite equality for women, through the exploration of literature. Great introduction once again, very clearly sets the pace. Atwood’s speech was presented in 1994, to a highly educated, predominately female audience, over which Atwood held significant authority and credibility. As above. Atwood effectively uses the metaphor of the cookie cutter, in relation to neo feminism, ‘there was also, in the first decade a tendency cookie cut: that is, to write to a pattern and over sugar on one side’, to demonstrate the oversimplification of female characters evident in early literature, and simultaneously challenge the ideas of neo feminism, thus positioning her to audience to question the justice of the representation of women, instilling a sense of moral responsibility to her audience by elucidating the unjust representation of women in literature. Expression was a bit clunky in that sentence, probably a bit too much in the one spot, this is the first one to jump out at me. It's almost a curse to be a clear writer like you are, because clunky sentences stand out like a sore thumb! This one is too long, at the very least split it in half :) Atwood then employs satire in reference to this oversimplification, stating, ‘but they are usually problematic for novelists, unless the novelist has a secret desire to be in billboard advertising’, highlighting the superficiality of this kind of writing, and challenging its literary value. Try to be a little more natural with the transition to satire, something like "Atwood extends this notion through the use of satire," or similar? Atwood then urges change within her audience, exploring the effect literature has on our perceptions on women in real life – ‘art reflects life’. Three sentences in a row that start with "Atwood," mix it up a little! This is examined through the metaphor, ’It’s roots are in the mud; its flowers; if any, come out of the rawness of its raw materials’, in which Atwood analyses the influence depictions in literature can have on values in real life, elucidating the imperative for just portrayals of women in literature, illustrating the imperative for justice. These universal human values explored by both Attwood and Sadat in their speeches, paired with the effective use of rhetoric, create enduring texts which still hold significant relevance in present-day society. Expression was a little sloppy in that paragraph, but ideas were still clear, very effective. Great conclusion here, but you DO still need one above!
Sadat’s speech also exemplifies the significance of history, urging his audience to learn from past atrocities, in order to create a more egalitarian society. He employs Pathos, through sensory imagery and emotive language, ‘the families of the 1973 October war are still moaning under the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement of sons, fathers and brothers’ to effectively portray the turmoil caused by the previous violence between the two countries, positioning the audience to view the repercussions of the hostility from a innately personal perspective. You could make your sentences a little shorter by picking your quote more carefully (see below for an example). By directly addressing the date of the conflict, rather than using a euphemism, Sadat’s sincerity is conveyed to the audience, and the gravity of the issue is emphasised. Awesome. Sadat invokes the metaphor of the ‘huge wall between us’, portraying the toxic ramifications of the countries’ violent histories. He then employs the anaphora of in relation to the psychological barrier - ‘A barrier of rejection’, depicting the manifestation of the two countries unrest. Be careful to to slip into Sadat does this, then Sadat does that... Be as abstract with your language as possible. The word "then" is slightly informal. Following the acknowledgement of the psychological barrier, Sadat proposes a more equitable society with an absence of war, urging both countries to unite with the common objective of peace, through a string of rhetorical questions, “why don’t we stretch our hands with faith and sincerity so that, together, we might destroy this barrier?. As above, try not to turn your analysis into "this technique happened, then this technique happened," you can be much more clever than that. Why should we bequeath to the coming generations the plight if bloodshed death orphans widowhood, family disintegration and the wailing of victims? ‘ Through these rhetorical questions, extends an offer of peace, stimulating his audience to move toward notion of a diplomatic society, instilling a sense of responsibility to his audience, and depicting the disastrous and inevitable outcomes if the countries don’t join hands, thus effectively exemplifying the significance of history, and urging his audience to learn from past atrocities.
Although similar to Sadat’s ideas, Atwood examines the historic representations of women in literature, inspiring her audience to abandon the trivial simplification of women in favour of a more egalitarian society. Your concepts are absolutely brilliant, very well though up! Atwood seeks this purpose, through invoking a wealth of literary allusions, including the literary juxtaposition of Lady Macbeth and Ophelia, ’Lady Macbeth was spotted, Ophelia unspotted, both came to sticky ends, but there’s a world of difference’. Again, this quote is too long for the effect it has, in fact in this one you could probably get away without the quote! She alludes to dozens of books in this speech, it is almost a stylistic feature. Through this juxtaposition Attwood endorses the intricacies of female characters, and illustrates the values of such complexities in creating enduring literature, while appealing to her well-educated audiences’ appreciation of literary works. Attwood also challenges the superficial perceptions of women evident in neo feminism, through the rhetorical question, ‘weren’t women supposed by nature to be communal egalitarians?/were men to get all the juicy parts? ’, positioning her audience to question the disparity in depth of character between males and females in neo feminist literature. Following this, Atwood empowers her audience to confront these inequitable portrayals, through the exclamations, ’Women characters arise! Take back the night!’, thus, effectively questioning the simplification of women in past literature and neo feminism. Therefore, both Atwood and Sadat effectively explore historical inadequacies, in order to mould a morally just societies, in Sadat’s case free of conflict, and in Atwood’s case fair and equitable, not only in their immediate contexts, but for future generations.
Anwar Sadat’s ‘Statement to the Knesset’, emphasises the imperative for justice, highlighting the significance of social equality, irrespective of race or religion. Good start to the paragraph, you could try making it purely conceptual but I think the blend of text and concept works well for the way you are constructing this essay. Sadat presented the speech in 1977 to the Israeli Knesset, with the ultimate purpose of achieving a peace settlement between Egypt and Israel. This info, if you'd like to use it, would probably be better in the introduction to set the stage. Remember to keep statements like this to a minimum, only bring in context as part of your analysis. Sadat approaches this purpose by prioritising the fundamental sense of humanity common to both countries. The use of pathos, ‘Any life lost in war is a human life’, diminishes the differences between the countries, portraying the fragility of humanity, thus highlighting the need for social equality and subsequently justice. Fabulous. Sadat also establishes a religious congruency between Jews, Arabs and Christians, stating that they all ‘worship God and no one but God’, subsequently uniting his audience through the universality of their faiths. Sadat then employs Logos, through syllogistic reasoning, ‘God’s teachings and commandments are love sincerity, purity and peace,’ thus implying that these commandments are being broken through the ongoing conflict and discourse, positioning his audience to recognise the implications of their actions, reiterating the imperative for justice. Your analytical style is fantastic, extremely powerful. Sadat’s repetition of his motif, ‘Permanent peace based on justice,’ reiterates the importance of peace to his audience, effectively emphasising the imperative for justice. Great analysis here, but this paragraph is missing a nice conclusion to wrap everything together. Also remember to tie in your "universal audience," relate to our interpretation of the speeches from a contemporary perspective!
Similarly, Margaret Atwood’s ‘Spotty Handed Villainesses’, also emphasises the imperative for justice, but alternatively through the denunciation of the inequitable portrayal of woman in literature. Like Sadat, Atwood also attempts to create social change through her speech, ultimately trying to incite equality for women, through the exploration of literature. Great introduction once again, very clearly sets the pace. Atwood’s speech was presented in 1994, to a highly educated, predominately female audience, over which Atwood held significant authority and credibility. As above. Atwood effectively uses the metaphor of the cookie cutter, in relation to neo feminism, ‘there was also, in the first decade a tendency cookie cut: that is, to write to a pattern and over sugar on one side’, to demonstrate the oversimplification of female characters evident in early literature, and simultaneously challenge the ideas of neo feminism, thus positioning her to audience to question the justice of the representation of women, instilling a sense of moral responsibility to her audience by elucidating the unjust representation of women in literature. Expression was a bit clunky in that sentence, probably a bit too much in the one spot, this is the first one to jump out at me. It's almost a curse to be a clear writer like you are, because clunky sentences stand out like a sore thumb! This one is too long, at the very least split it in half :) Atwood then employs satire in reference to this oversimplification, stating, ‘but they are usually problematic for novelists, unless the novelist has a secret desire to be in billboard advertising’, highlighting the superficiality of this kind of writing, and challenging its literary value. Try to be a little more natural with the transition to satire, something like "Atwood extends this notion through the use of satire," or similar? Atwood then urges change within her audience, exploring the effect literature has on our perceptions on women in real life – ‘art reflects life’. Three sentences in a row that start with "Atwood," mix it up a little! This is examined through the metaphor, ’It’s roots are in the mud; its flowers; if any, come out of the rawness of its raw materials’, in which Atwood analyses the influence depictions in literature can have on values in real life, elucidating the imperative for just portrayals of women in literature, illustrating the imperative for justice. These universal human values explored by both Attwood and Sadat in their speeches, paired with the effective use of rhetoric, create enduring texts which still hold significant relevance in present-day society. Expression was a little sloppy in that paragraph, but ideas were still clear, very effective. Great conclusion here, but you DO still need one above!
Sadat’s speech also exemplifies the significance of history, urging his audience to learn from past atrocities, in order to create a more egalitarian society. He employs Pathos, through sensory imagery and emotive language, ‘the families of the 1973 October war are still moaning under the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement of sons, fathers and brothers’ to effectively portray the turmoil caused by the previous violence between the two countries, positioning the audience to view the repercussions of the hostility from a innately personal perspective. You could make your sentences a little shorter by picking your quote more carefully (see below for an example). By directly addressing the date of the conflict, rather than using a euphemism, Sadat’s sincerity is conveyed to the audience, and the gravity of the issue is emphasised. Awesome. Sadat invokes the metaphor of the ‘huge wall between us’, portraying the toxic ramifications of the countries’ violent histories. He then employs the anaphora of in relation to the psychological barrier - ‘A barrier of rejection’, depicting the manifestation of the two countries unrest. Be careful to to slip into Sadat does this, then Sadat does that... Be as abstract with your language as possible. The word "then" is slightly informal. Following the acknowledgement of the psychological barrier, Sadat proposes a more equitable society with an absence of war, urging both countries to unite with the common objective of peace, through a string of rhetorical questions, “why don’t we stretch our hands with faith and sincerity so that, together, we might destroy this barrier?. As above, try not to turn your analysis into "this technique happened, then this technique happened," you can be much more clever than that. Why should we bequeath to the coming generations the plight if bloodshed death orphans widowhood, family disintegration and the wailing of victims? ‘ Through these rhetorical questions, extends an offer of peace, stimulating his audience to move toward notion of a diplomatic society, instilling a sense of responsibility to his audience, and depicting the disastrous and inevitable outcomes if the countries don’t join hands, thus effectively exemplifying the significance of history, and urging his audience to learn from past atrocities.
Although similar to Sadat’s ideas, Atwood examines the historic representations of women in literature, inspiring her audience to abandon the trivial simplification of women in favour of a more egalitarian society. Your concepts are absolutely brilliant, very well though up! Atwood seeks this purpose, through invoking a wealth of literary allusions, including the literary juxtaposition of Lady Macbeth and Ophelia, ’Lady Macbeth was spotted, Ophelia unspotted, both came to sticky ends, but there’s a world of difference’. Again, this quote is too long for the effect it has, in fact in this one you could probably get away without the quote! She alludes to dozens of books in this speech, it is almost a stylistic feature. Through this juxtaposition Attwood endorses the intricacies of female characters, and illustrates the values of such complexities in creating enduring literature, while appealing to her well-educated audiences’ appreciation of literary works. Attwood also challenges the superficial perceptions of women evident in neo feminism, through the rhetorical question, ‘weren’t women supposed by nature to be communal egalitarians?/were men to get all the juicy parts? ’, positioning her audience to question the disparity in depth of character between males and females in neo feminist literature. Following this, Atwood empowers her audience to confront these inequitable portrayals, through the exclamations, ’Women characters arise! Take back the night!’, thus, effectively questioning the simplification of women in past literature and neo feminism. Therefore, both Atwood and Sadat effectively explore historical inadequacies, in order to mould a morally just societies, in Sadat’s case free of conflict, and in Atwood’s case fair and equitable, not only in their immediate contexts, but for future generations.
I think you should be feeling really confident Sam! This is a fantastic essay with lots of stuff that it does really really, really well. Your analysis is extremely effective, clear and well defined around key concepts, the structure makes sense, all that good stuff. It is a pleasure to read! ;D
I'd consider two main weaknesses; one easy to fix one more difficult. One, you need a conclusion. A kind of "this is what I covered, this is what we conclude" sort of thing. Let me know if you need any help with this, but make sure you have one for the essay (and every paragraph).
My second suggestion would be to ensure that you are linking to the "universal audience," and "transcending contexts." You set this up brilliantly in the introduction and then I don't see too much of it explicitly for the next few paragraphs. Try and be a bit more clear about the impact on us (specifically, yourself) as responder(s), this will ensure you really hammer the idea of the module home ;D
As a side note, your writing is a at the point where you can really play with expression to cut words out/make yourself sound more sophisticated. Here is an example from your essay:
He employs Pathos, through sensory imagery and emotive language, ‘the families of the 1973 October war are still moaning under the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement of sons, fathers and brothers’ to effectively portray the turmoil caused by the previous violence between the two countries, positioning the audience to view the repercussions of the hostility from a innately personal perspective.
Becomes:
Sadat's use of sensory imagery and emotive language in describing the victims "still moaning under the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement of sons," effectively portrays the turmoil caused by prior contextual knowledge, thus positioning the audience to view the repercussions of war and conflict.
Second one is virtually identical, just playing with the word trims you remove nearly a whole line from your writing! The ordering of ideas is a little more natural, and I've incorporated the quote into my explanation itself. Read over your sentences, see if there is any possible way you could express it better! ;D
All that said, you have an excellent framework here Sam, your next step should be getting this to paper for some practice attempts for specific questions! Well done! ;D
Post by: Sssssrr on September 06, 2016, 09:01:53 pm
sam
Post by: MarkThor on September 07, 2016, 07:29:18 am
Spoiler
Political figures and systems affect individuals in different ways, and composers often utilise form and techniques that will best represent their own perspectives. W.H. Auden employs literary techniques along with his ironic utilisation of poetic form in order to reveal the detrimental effects of his contemporary regimes on the individual in his poems ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ (1932), ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’ (1939) and ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’ (1939). Sammy J similarly mockingly depicts immigration detention centres in his black comedy filled parody podcast How to make an immigration detention centre (2016), in order to effectively convince his audience of immorality of such centres. Conversely, Malala Yousafzai persuades the United Nations in her rhetoric (2013) of the need for people to be educated and actively engaged in politics through her profound metaphors and personal anecdotes.
Auden ironically uses the form and structure of a traditional ballad poem in ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ to enable the audience to perceive how militaristic states intrude on the lives of individuals. The constant anaphora of “O” sets a fearing tone towards the unknown motives of the soldiers, and represents an eventual desperation caused by their final unstoppable destructive actions, which mirrors those of his contemporary states such as Nazi Germany’s persecution of minorities. Auden also creates juxtaposition between the imagery in the opening stanza of the soldiers who “step lightly”, signifying their original minimal intrusion in the life of individuals, and the destructive imagery of the concluding stanza, where the revelation that the soldiers’ “boots are heavy on the floor” and their “eyes are burning” represents the true obtrusive nature of militaristic regimes. This warning is reflective of the interbellum period, where Auden perceived the rising popularity of militarism within nations. The inversion of the tradition border ballad form to illustrate militarism’s unprepossessing nature, rather than it’s glories, Auden creates irony to illustrate that such regimes should not be glorified, but rather discouraged due to their negative effects on individuals. Thus Auden is able to successfully communicate his perception of the invasiveness of militarism on individuals.
He again creates irony in his reflective poem ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’, satirically criticising tyrants in general, and the way they inevitably negatively affect individuals. The omission of any specific details about a certain tyrant creates ambiguity, allowing Auden to target tyrannical rule in general, the likes of which Auden experienced with the rise of Hitler when he lived in 1929 Berlin, and with Franco during his participation for the Republicans in the Spanish Civil War. The title including ‘epitaph’ implies a celebratory reflection of the positive aspects of tyrants, is initially reflected by aspects such as the positive idiom that a tyrants knows “human folly like the back of his hand”, as the metaphor shows how tyrants understand the faults of humanity. However it is also adianoeta which hints at the darker side of tyrants, through the negative connotation of the tyrant smacking down the populace. This emphasises that although they may be intelligent, tyrants possess some of the worst human faults. These destructive faults are reinforced by the final juxtaposing line of the poem “when he cried the kids in the streets died”, which is an appropriated quote from J.H. Motley, acting as an ironic allusion to Motley’s much kinder words about the great ruler William the Silent. This combines with the evocative imagery to illustrate how tyrants inevitably are terrible rulers who ultimately cause extreme harm to the individuals they rule over. This subverting of the initial expectation for a positive reflecting epitaph emphasises to not become complacent with tyrannical rule.
In ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’, Auden’s parody of a commemorating elegy allows him to illustrate his view that individuality was suppressed due to political states who encouraged conformity. The title “THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN” is a parody to the serious US military concept of the unknown soldier, and mocks the way unidentified soldiers are glorified for simply fighting and dying in war as commanded by their Government. Auden draws parallels from this allusion to the unknown citizen who is celebrated for being extremely “normal” and conformist, as encouraged by his Government. Auden creates irony through the flat businesslike tone that undercuts the poem and the alphanumeric epigraph, which display no emotion towards the citizen, highlighting how individuality was often disregarded by political systems in favour of conformity, echoing Auden’s perception of the politics in totalitarian regimes such as Nazi Germany and Stalin’s USSR, as well as in other nations such as the United States. The celebration of this citizen, who didn’t achieve anything, is again mocked through the litotes that illustrate his conformity as “there was no official complaint”. This satiric list of accomplishments illustrates how praise is replaced by the absence of criticism, showing how nations purely promote conformity rather than amazing achievements. The final rhetorical questions “Was he happy? Was he free? are the two most important questions and are dismissed as “absurd”, highlighting that these governments do not care for the individual, but simply wish for them to conform. Thus by creating a parodied elegy Auden represents his negative criticism on the enforcement of conformity by differing political ideologies.
Sammy J persuades the audience to accept his perspective of the immorality of detention centres through his ironic children’s television form and frequent black comedy. The mis-en-scene of playschool combines with Sammy J’s sarcastic tone “we don’t want anyone getting hurt” in order to mock the lack of seriousness Australians deal with detention centres, creating irony as these centres often result in the harm of refugees even though their safety is an initial aim. The intertextuality of the “row your boat” song represents some Australians’ ignorance to the true state of the issue, as they think everything is going as “merrily” as in the song. Sammy J uses black comedy through the juxtaposition of the problems of Australian and refugee children to further reinforces their dire situation as “there is no broccoli, and often no mum or dad.” Sammy J also uses the literal and metaphorical meaning of the 1st page of the United Nations Refugee Convention of 1951 not looking “like it provides any protection whatsoever” to encourage newer and more effective action in regards to refugees and detention centres. Sammy J then gives factual information about a refugee costing “$400 000 a year to put her in here” hyperbolising the importance of required change in the situation as it is not very effective as it has been put “under a rug” and Australians often “try not to think about it”
Sammy J’s harsh depiction of detention centres in his mocking playschool style podcast emphasises the idiocy the issue is handled with in Australia.
Malala Yousafzai’s personal anecdotes and profound metaphors enable her to convey her viewpoint that all individuals should receive education and be politically active in her address to the United Nations (2013). The need for her to express this insight was engendered by the War in Northwest Pakistan between State of Pakistan & armed militant groups, such as the Taliban & al-Qaeda. She uses the anecdote “in Swat, the north of Pakistan, we realised the importance of pens and books when we saw the guns.” Which acts as an extended metaphor throughout her speech, and conveys her own personal experience in understanding the common maxim that emphasises the importance of education in order to combat violence. She then uses another anecdote in the tricola to express how even after she was shot in the head by the Taliban for attending school, through her education “weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born.” The antithesis of the emotions and traits that died and the ones that were born cerate a juxtaposition that emphasises that the key to fighting the Taliban is education. Yousafzai then utilises high modality in her metaphor “We will speak up for our rights and bring change through our voice.” To again emphasise that through engagement in politics, individuals are able to initiate change, that along with education is to the benefit of society. Through orating a powerful and compelling piece of rhetoric, Yousafzai is able to encourage the UN and other countries to help educate individuals. The impact of her rhetorical techniques can be seen through the effect of her address and her perspective, being the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014.
(Summarise what you have shown the reader about your thesis)
A composer’s effective portrayal of differing political perspectives through expert utilisation of different techniques enables their audiences’ apprehension of them in their texts.
Auden ironically uses the form and structure of a traditional ballad poem in ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ to enable the audience to perceive how militaristic states intrude on the lives of individuals. The constant anaphora of “O” sets a fearing tone towards the unknown motives of the soldiers, and represents an eventual desperation caused by their final unstoppable destructive actions, which mirrors those of his contemporary states such as Nazi Germany’s persecution of minorities. Auden also creates juxtaposition between the imagery in the opening stanza of the soldiers who “step lightly”, signifying their original minimal intrusion in the life of individuals, and the destructive imagery of the concluding stanza, where the revelation that the soldiers’ “boots are heavy on the floor” and their “eyes are burning” represents the true obtrusive nature of militaristic regimes. This warning is reflective of the interbellum period, where Auden perceived the rising popularity of militarism within nations. The inversion of the tradition border ballad form to illustrate militarism’s unprepossessing nature, rather than it’s glories, Auden creates irony to illustrate that such regimes should not be glorified, but rather discouraged due to their negative effects on individuals. Thus Auden is able to successfully communicate his perception of the invasiveness of militarism on individuals.
He again creates irony in his reflective poem ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’, satirically criticising tyrants in general, and the way they inevitably negatively affect individuals. The omission of any specific details about a certain tyrant creates ambiguity, allowing Auden to target tyrannical rule in general, the likes of which Auden experienced with the rise of Hitler when he lived in 1929 Berlin, and with Franco during his participation for the Republicans in the Spanish Civil War. The title including ‘epitaph’ implies a celebratory reflection of the positive aspects of tyrants, is initially reflected by aspects such as the positive idiom that a tyrants knows “human folly like the back of his hand”, as the metaphor shows how tyrants understand the faults of humanity. However it is also adianoeta which hints at the darker side of tyrants, through the negative connotation of the tyrant smacking down the populace. This emphasises that although they may be intelligent, tyrants possess some of the worst human faults. These destructive faults are reinforced by the final juxtaposing line of the poem “when he cried the kids in the streets died”, which is an appropriated quote from J.H. Motley, acting as an ironic allusion to Motley’s much kinder words about the great ruler William the Silent. This combines with the evocative imagery to illustrate how tyrants inevitably are terrible rulers who ultimately cause extreme harm to the individuals they rule over. This subverting of the initial expectation for a positive reflecting epitaph emphasises to not become complacent with tyrannical rule.
In ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’, Auden’s parody of a commemorating elegy allows him to illustrate his view that individuality was suppressed due to political states who encouraged conformity. The title “THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN” is a parody to the serious US military concept of the unknown soldier, and mocks the way unidentified soldiers are glorified for simply fighting and dying in war as commanded by their Government. Auden draws parallels from this allusion to the unknown citizen who is celebrated for being extremely “normal” and conformist, as encouraged by his Government. Auden creates irony through the flat businesslike tone that undercuts the poem and the alphanumeric epigraph, which display no emotion towards the citizen, highlighting how individuality was often disregarded by political systems in favour of conformity, echoing Auden’s perception of the politics in totalitarian regimes such as Nazi Germany and Stalin’s USSR, as well as in other nations such as the United States. The celebration of this citizen, who didn’t achieve anything, is again mocked through the litotes that illustrate his conformity as “there was no official complaint”. This satiric list of accomplishments illustrates how praise is replaced by the absence of criticism, showing how nations purely promote conformity rather than amazing achievements. The final rhetorical questions “Was he happy? Was he free? are the two most important questions and are dismissed as “absurd”, highlighting that these governments do not care for the individual, but simply wish for them to conform. Thus by creating a parodied elegy Auden represents his negative criticism on the enforcement of conformity by differing political ideologies.
Sammy J persuades the audience to accept his perspective of the immorality of detention centres through his ironic children’s television form and frequent black comedy. The mis-en-scene of playschool combines with Sammy J’s sarcastic tone “we don’t want anyone getting hurt” in order to mock the lack of seriousness Australians deal with detention centres, creating irony as these centres often result in the harm of refugees even though their safety is an initial aim. The intertextuality of the “row your boat” song represents some Australians’ ignorance to the true state of the issue, as they think everything is going as “merrily” as in the song. Sammy J uses black comedy through the juxtaposition of the problems of Australian and refugee children to further reinforces their dire situation as “there is no broccoli, and often no mum or dad.” Sammy J also uses the literal and metaphorical meaning of the 1st page of the United Nations Refugee Convention of 1951 not looking “like it provides any protection whatsoever” to encourage newer and more effective action in regards to refugees and detention centres. Sammy J then gives factual information about a refugee costing “$400 000 a year to put her in here” hyperbolising the importance of required change in the situation as it is not very effective as it has been put “under a rug” and Australians often “try not to think about it”
Sammy J’s harsh depiction of detention centres in his mocking playschool style podcast emphasises the idiocy the issue is handled with in Australia.
Malala Yousafzai’s personal anecdotes and profound metaphors enable her to convey her viewpoint that all individuals should receive education and be politically active in her address to the United Nations (2013). The need for her to express this insight was engendered by the War in Northwest Pakistan between State of Pakistan & armed militant groups, such as the Taliban & al-Qaeda. She uses the anecdote “in Swat, the north of Pakistan, we realised the importance of pens and books when we saw the guns.” Which acts as an extended metaphor throughout her speech, and conveys her own personal experience in understanding the common maxim that emphasises the importance of education in order to combat violence. She then uses another anecdote in the tricola to express how even after she was shot in the head by the Taliban for attending school, through her education “weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born.” The antithesis of the emotions and traits that died and the ones that were born cerate a juxtaposition that emphasises that the key to fighting the Taliban is education. Yousafzai then utilises high modality in her metaphor “We will speak up for our rights and bring change through our voice.” To again emphasise that through engagement in politics, individuals are able to initiate change, that along with education is to the benefit of society. Through orating a powerful and compelling piece of rhetoric, Yousafzai is able to encourage the UN and other countries to help educate individuals. The impact of her rhetorical techniques can be seen through the effect of her address and her perspective, being the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014.
(Summarise what you have shown the reader about your thesis)
A composer’s effective portrayal of differing political perspectives through expert utilisation of different techniques enables their audiences’ apprehension of them in their texts.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 07, 2016, 11:12:08 am
Hi Guys, was hoping you could please mark my adaptable Module C essay on Auden's poetry;
Sure thing Mark! You are on the list, I'll be doing a mark run either tonight or tomorrow morning ;D
Post by: MarkThor on September 07, 2016, 03:08:41 pm
Sure thing Mark! You are on the list, I'll be doing a mark run either tonight or tomorrow morning ;DThanks Jamon
Post by: arleee on September 08, 2016, 08:25:09 am
I'm a sucker for loads of feedback and would really appreciate it!
Spoiler
Textual form is integral for not only shaping an audience’s understanding of people and their relationship with the landscape, but also for the composer to represent their personal perspectives of travel and the effect of changing landscapes upon the individual.The manipulation of textual form influences audiences’ understanding of the transformative power of the relationship between individuals and the landscape. The use of different forms allows new perspectives of real and cultural landscapes, the meaning of which are in turn influenced by people who live with the land. Texts such as Alain de Botton’s novel The Art of Travel, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem Questions of Travel and Ron Fricke’s documentary Baraka provide insight into how textual form influences meaning.
Within Alain de Botton’s multimodal text, The Art of Travel, elements of a travel guide are utilised to raise philosophical questions about the transformative effect landscapes have upon an individual. This is evident when the narrator says“…our identities are to a greater or lesser extent malleable; that we change according to whom and sometime what - we are with.” (p.147) Alain de Botton employs a questioning and critical narrative voice to examine each stage of travel. His novel acts as a transformative journey for his protagonist, whose understanding of travel and the relationship people have with it, grows and develops. The beginning of this growth is evident in Chapter One when de Botton states “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent as an exemplary symbol of transformation.” (pg. 38) The plane ascending is symbolic of the protagonist’s ascension to a greater understanding of the metamorphic nature that individuals have in their relationship with new and changing landscapes.
Alain de Botton manipulates textual form to produce a type of writing that mixes “intimate experiences and more abstract reactions” to not just assert the transformative effect of one’s relationship with the landscape, but to try to “show” them as well. Within the novel, de Botton uses artworks, such as Hodge’s images of Tahiti, to depict various landscapes to provide audiences with a visual insight into the landscapes that he describes. As John Toolan states, de Botton utilises a multi-modal form to “depict and reflect upon the journey and the transformation that comes with it.” Throughout the novel de Botton mixes personal thought with insights drawn from some of the great figures of the past. His discussion of Wordsworth's love of the English countryside exemplifies this. His integration of these observations enables him to provide multiple perspectives of travel and it’s effect upon the individual. He thus uses textual form to enhance the meaning of the relationship between individuals and the changing landscapes.
Ron Fricke’s non-verbal documentary also depicts a journey, however this transformative journey focuses on the changing relationships that people have with both natural and man-made landscapes. Originally shot in 25 different countries on six continents, the documentary Baraka brought together a series of stunningly photographed scenes to capture what director Ron Fricke calls “a guided meditation on human development.” The film is filled with vivid scenes of human interaction with beautiful and serene nature and is contrasted with bustling scenes in immense cities. One such example is the scene set in Japan where a monk is meditating over a carefully manicured meditation garden. Fricke carefully chose the procession of scenes and the meaning which comes from each. He leads the audience on a carefully crafted journey intended to evoke new perceptions and understanding of the changing relationships people have with the landscape. As producer Mark Magidson stated in an interview “the goal of the film was to reach past language, nationality, religion and politics and speak to the inner viewer.” By breaching cultural constraints, the film provides an unadulterated perspective of the close connection between the people and the land. Fricke depicts man’s relationship with the land transforming from being peaceful to unbalanced and chaotic, before depicting the relationship being once again in balance. He utilises this cyclical structure to show man’s changing relationship with the landscape and to comment on how individuals today should revert back to living harmoniously with nature. Through manipulating textual form, Fricke’s film enhances the audience’s understanding of the transformative nature of this relationship.
In contrast, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem Questions of Travel questions the relationship people have with the landscape. Similar to de Botton, Bishop manipulates traditional textual form, in this case, poetry, in an attempt to evoke a deep philosophical questioning about the purpose of travel and its transformative effect upon the individual. This is evident within the second stanza of the poem where Bishop poses nine questions and asks the audience to consider them. The first line,“Think of the long trip home”, is intended to evoke imagery of the long journey back home. However, upon reflection, Bishop is commenting on how all travel is in fact an attempt to find a home that the restless wanderer cannot find. This is reflected in The Art of Travel, where de Botton philosophically states that “what we find exotic abroad may be what we hunger for in vain at home.” (pg. 148)
Bishop utilises a formal shift in the last stanzas of the poem, moving from rhetorical questioning to reflections in italics. She employs this technique to remind the audience of the inherent arbitrary nature of one’s attempts to answer questions regarding one’s understanding of the relationship between an individual and the landscape.The poem begins with questions, and, in defiance of the tradition of a conventional question-and-answer structure, closes with one as well. She utilises this form to cause audiences to reflect upon previously held perspectives of the effect of travel upon the individual. Bishop’s disregard for the traditional form reflects her critique of humanity’s tendency to gravitate to the comforting familiar so as not to face confronting new perspectives and understandings of the connection between individuals and the land. The speaker’s inability to come to a definite conclusion suggests that the question itself, and one’s interpretation of it, may be as crucial as the answers she seeks. “Should we have stayed at home, wherever that may be?” By manipulating textual form, Bishop evokes a deep questioning, the answers of which enhance newly found perspectives of the transformative relationship between a traveler and the need for travel itself.
The understanding of the transformative effect of relationships is deepened by composers representing new perspectives of real and cultural landscapes, the meanings of which are in turn influenced by individuals who live on the land.
Within The Art of Travel, Alain de Botton states that to gain new perspectives of real and cultural landscapes, one must first gain new perspectives of themselves and the landscape around them. This is evident when he states“instead of bringing back 1600 plants, we might return from our journeys with a collection of small unfêted but life-enhancing thoughts.” The Art of Travel promotes the art of self-reflection. De Botton elucidates throughout the novel that travel acts as a catalyst for new perspectives and understandings of real and cultural landscapes, reaffirming that “new thoughts” require “new places”(pg. 46) This idea is reflected within Elizabeth Bishop’s poem when she comments on the “golden silence in which the traveller takes a notebook and writes”, making allusions to Blaise Pascal’s concept that all of man’s problems originate from his inability to sit “quietly in one’s room”. Elizabeth Bishop examines self-reflection and the traveller, coming to the conclusion that it would be a “pity” not to see the sights of the world. Questions of Travel shows a progression of thoughts from observing how different travellers perceptions of real and cultural landscapes vary, to concluding that the “wonder” of travel offers a richness. Through these contrasting views, Bishop provides audiences with new and enhanced insight into the effect of travel upon the world and the individual.
Within Baraka, Ron Fricke creates a window into the complexities and contradictions of human nature. The film acts as a reflection on real and cultural landscapes and the influence of individuals who live there on the land. One example is the scene where a man bathes in the holy waters of the river Ganges. Behind him on the steps of the river is a dead body wrapped in a white sheet. The depiction of the closeness of life and death raises the audiences existentialist reflections upon the purpose of life. Such thoughts are expressions of the spiritual dimension of human nature, such as those offered within Questions of Travel, Baraka allows audiences to question the deep connection between individuals and their cultural landscape. The audience’s reflection upon Fricke’s portrayal of individuals and the land catalyses new perspectives of the intrinsic relationship between real and cultural landscapes. Cultural landscapes are influenced by the real landscapes, which in turn are influenced by the individuals who occupy the land and give it cultural meaning. The title of the film, Baraka, is Sanskrit for “breath of life”; this “breath of life” is provided by the new perspectives and understandings audiences encounter throughout the film.
Through the manipulation of textual form, texts such as Alain de Botton’s novel The Art of Travel, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem Questions of Travel and Ron Fricke’s documentary Baraka provide audiences with insight into how textual form influences meaning. By evoking philosophical questioning both Elizabeth Bishop’s Questions of Travel and Alain de Botton’s The Art of Travel provide audiences with new perspectives and understanding of the transformative effect of the relationship between individuals and the land. The understanding of the transformative effect of these relationships is then deepened by composers representing aspects of their personal perspectives of real and cultural landscapes.They also examine and enhance the intrinsic relationship individuals who live on the land have with it and the influence these individuals have upon the land. All three texts, despite their different textual forms, give their audiences new and enhanced perspectives of the integral role that textual form has in the shaping of understanding.
Within Alain de Botton’s multimodal text, The Art of Travel, elements of a travel guide are utilised to raise philosophical questions about the transformative effect landscapes have upon an individual. This is evident when the narrator says“…our identities are to a greater or lesser extent malleable; that we change according to whom and sometime what - we are with.” (p.147) Alain de Botton employs a questioning and critical narrative voice to examine each stage of travel. His novel acts as a transformative journey for his protagonist, whose understanding of travel and the relationship people have with it, grows and develops. The beginning of this growth is evident in Chapter One when de Botton states “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent as an exemplary symbol of transformation.” (pg. 38) The plane ascending is symbolic of the protagonist’s ascension to a greater understanding of the metamorphic nature that individuals have in their relationship with new and changing landscapes.
Alain de Botton manipulates textual form to produce a type of writing that mixes “intimate experiences and more abstract reactions” to not just assert the transformative effect of one’s relationship with the landscape, but to try to “show” them as well. Within the novel, de Botton uses artworks, such as Hodge’s images of Tahiti, to depict various landscapes to provide audiences with a visual insight into the landscapes that he describes. As John Toolan states, de Botton utilises a multi-modal form to “depict and reflect upon the journey and the transformation that comes with it.” Throughout the novel de Botton mixes personal thought with insights drawn from some of the great figures of the past. His discussion of Wordsworth's love of the English countryside exemplifies this. His integration of these observations enables him to provide multiple perspectives of travel and it’s effect upon the individual. He thus uses textual form to enhance the meaning of the relationship between individuals and the changing landscapes.
Ron Fricke’s non-verbal documentary also depicts a journey, however this transformative journey focuses on the changing relationships that people have with both natural and man-made landscapes. Originally shot in 25 different countries on six continents, the documentary Baraka brought together a series of stunningly photographed scenes to capture what director Ron Fricke calls “a guided meditation on human development.” The film is filled with vivid scenes of human interaction with beautiful and serene nature and is contrasted with bustling scenes in immense cities. One such example is the scene set in Japan where a monk is meditating over a carefully manicured meditation garden. Fricke carefully chose the procession of scenes and the meaning which comes from each. He leads the audience on a carefully crafted journey intended to evoke new perceptions and understanding of the changing relationships people have with the landscape. As producer Mark Magidson stated in an interview “the goal of the film was to reach past language, nationality, religion and politics and speak to the inner viewer.” By breaching cultural constraints, the film provides an unadulterated perspective of the close connection between the people and the land. Fricke depicts man’s relationship with the land transforming from being peaceful to unbalanced and chaotic, before depicting the relationship being once again in balance. He utilises this cyclical structure to show man’s changing relationship with the landscape and to comment on how individuals today should revert back to living harmoniously with nature. Through manipulating textual form, Fricke’s film enhances the audience’s understanding of the transformative nature of this relationship.
In contrast, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem Questions of Travel questions the relationship people have with the landscape. Similar to de Botton, Bishop manipulates traditional textual form, in this case, poetry, in an attempt to evoke a deep philosophical questioning about the purpose of travel and its transformative effect upon the individual. This is evident within the second stanza of the poem where Bishop poses nine questions and asks the audience to consider them. The first line,“Think of the long trip home”, is intended to evoke imagery of the long journey back home. However, upon reflection, Bishop is commenting on how all travel is in fact an attempt to find a home that the restless wanderer cannot find. This is reflected in The Art of Travel, where de Botton philosophically states that “what we find exotic abroad may be what we hunger for in vain at home.” (pg. 148)
Bishop utilises a formal shift in the last stanzas of the poem, moving from rhetorical questioning to reflections in italics. She employs this technique to remind the audience of the inherent arbitrary nature of one’s attempts to answer questions regarding one’s understanding of the relationship between an individual and the landscape.The poem begins with questions, and, in defiance of the tradition of a conventional question-and-answer structure, closes with one as well. She utilises this form to cause audiences to reflect upon previously held perspectives of the effect of travel upon the individual. Bishop’s disregard for the traditional form reflects her critique of humanity’s tendency to gravitate to the comforting familiar so as not to face confronting new perspectives and understandings of the connection between individuals and the land. The speaker’s inability to come to a definite conclusion suggests that the question itself, and one’s interpretation of it, may be as crucial as the answers she seeks. “Should we have stayed at home, wherever that may be?” By manipulating textual form, Bishop evokes a deep questioning, the answers of which enhance newly found perspectives of the transformative relationship between a traveler and the need for travel itself.
The understanding of the transformative effect of relationships is deepened by composers representing new perspectives of real and cultural landscapes, the meanings of which are in turn influenced by individuals who live on the land.
Within The Art of Travel, Alain de Botton states that to gain new perspectives of real and cultural landscapes, one must first gain new perspectives of themselves and the landscape around them. This is evident when he states“instead of bringing back 1600 plants, we might return from our journeys with a collection of small unfêted but life-enhancing thoughts.” The Art of Travel promotes the art of self-reflection. De Botton elucidates throughout the novel that travel acts as a catalyst for new perspectives and understandings of real and cultural landscapes, reaffirming that “new thoughts” require “new places”(pg. 46) This idea is reflected within Elizabeth Bishop’s poem when she comments on the “golden silence in which the traveller takes a notebook and writes”, making allusions to Blaise Pascal’s concept that all of man’s problems originate from his inability to sit “quietly in one’s room”. Elizabeth Bishop examines self-reflection and the traveller, coming to the conclusion that it would be a “pity” not to see the sights of the world. Questions of Travel shows a progression of thoughts from observing how different travellers perceptions of real and cultural landscapes vary, to concluding that the “wonder” of travel offers a richness. Through these contrasting views, Bishop provides audiences with new and enhanced insight into the effect of travel upon the world and the individual.
Within Baraka, Ron Fricke creates a window into the complexities and contradictions of human nature. The film acts as a reflection on real and cultural landscapes and the influence of individuals who live there on the land. One example is the scene where a man bathes in the holy waters of the river Ganges. Behind him on the steps of the river is a dead body wrapped in a white sheet. The depiction of the closeness of life and death raises the audiences existentialist reflections upon the purpose of life. Such thoughts are expressions of the spiritual dimension of human nature, such as those offered within Questions of Travel, Baraka allows audiences to question the deep connection between individuals and their cultural landscape. The audience’s reflection upon Fricke’s portrayal of individuals and the land catalyses new perspectives of the intrinsic relationship between real and cultural landscapes. Cultural landscapes are influenced by the real landscapes, which in turn are influenced by the individuals who occupy the land and give it cultural meaning. The title of the film, Baraka, is Sanskrit for “breath of life”; this “breath of life” is provided by the new perspectives and understandings audiences encounter throughout the film.
Through the manipulation of textual form, texts such as Alain de Botton’s novel The Art of Travel, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem Questions of Travel and Ron Fricke’s documentary Baraka provide audiences with insight into how textual form influences meaning. By evoking philosophical questioning both Elizabeth Bishop’s Questions of Travel and Alain de Botton’s The Art of Travel provide audiences with new perspectives and understanding of the transformative effect of the relationship between individuals and the land. The understanding of the transformative effect of these relationships is then deepened by composers representing aspects of their personal perspectives of real and cultural landscapes.They also examine and enhance the intrinsic relationship individuals who live on the land have with it and the influence these individuals have upon the land. All three texts, despite their different textual forms, give their audiences new and enhanced perspectives of the integral role that textual form has in the shaping of understanding.
Mod Edit: Added Spoiler :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 08, 2016, 09:39:50 am
Hey, was hoping you might spare a look at my Mod C people and landscapes essay.
I'm a sucker for loads of feedback and would really appreciate it!
Hey arlee! Welcome to the forums! ;D
We would love to give you feedback on your essay, however the essay marking policy requires 15 posts per essay marked. This is to ensure that the feedback goes to active members of the ATAR Notes community, and that the service remains viable for the markers. If you hang around the site for a bit, I bet you'll rack up the post count really quick, you may even like to start by introducing yourself in our Make Your First Post! thread ;D thanks in advance!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 08, 2016, 10:17:50 am
Hi Guys, was hoping you could please mark my adaptable Module C essay on Auden's poetry;
Hey Mark! Your essay is attached with comments in bold :)
Spoiler
Political figures and systems affect individuals in different ways, and composers often utilise form and techniques that will best represent their own perspectives. A little bit vague on the link between politics and composers there, Thesis isn't 100% clear. You may want to expand to two sentences. W.H. Auden employs literary techniques along with his ironic utilisation of poetic form in order to reveal the detrimental effects of his contemporary regimes on the individual in his poems ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ (1932), ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’ (1939) and ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’ (1939). Good quick introduction of text and themes. Sammy J similarly mockingly depicts immigration detention centres in his black comedy filled parody podcast How to make an immigration detention centre (2016), in order to effectively convince his audience of immorality of such centres. Conversely, Malala Yousafzai persuades the United Nations in her rhetoric (2013) of the need for people to be educated and actively engaged in politics through her profound metaphors and personal anecdotes. Two related texts is a good preparatory choice just in case, but do know that it is unlikely to be required! Good intro, but some more clarity in your Thesis and a more conclusive finish would be welcome.
Auden ironically uses the form and structure of a traditional ballad poem in ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ to enable the audience to perceive how militaristic states intrude on the lives of individuals. A more conceptual start could be beneficial to you, but this does work well. The constant anaphora of “O” sets a fearing tone towards the unknown motives of the soldiers, and represents an eventual desperation caused by their final unstoppable destructive actions, which mirrors those of his contemporary states such as Nazi Germany’s persecution of minorities. Good link to context, great analysis. Auden also creates juxtaposition between the imagery in the opening stanza of the soldiers who “step lightly”, signifying their original minimal intrusion in the life of individuals, and the destructive imagery of the concluding stanza, where the revelation that the soldiers’ “boots are heavy on the floor” and their “eyes are burning” represents the true obtrusive nature of militaristic regimes. Great. This warning is reflective of the interbellum period, where Auden perceived the rising popularity of militarism within nations. The inversion of the tradition border ballad form to illustrate militarism’s unprepossessing nature, rather than it’s glories, Auden creates irony to illustrate that such regimes should not be glorified, but rather discouraged due to their negative effects on individuals. Slightly expression issue there, add "Through the" to the start of the sentence. Thus Auden is able to successfully communicate his perception of the invasiveness of militarism on individuals. Great first paragraph, effective analysis, I'd like to see some more explicit consideration of the effects on Auden's audience, and us as universal responders. Contextual links are fabulous.
He again creates irony in his reflective poem ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’, satirically criticising tyrants in general, and the way they inevitably negatively affect individuals. The omission of any specific details about a certain tyrant creates ambiguity, allowing Auden to target tyrannical rule in general, the likes of which Auden experienced with the rise of Hitler when he lived in 1929 Berlin, and with Franco during his participation for the Republicans in the Spanish Civil War. Great contextual links, but this ambiguity would be a great chance to highlight the relevance to us as universal responders, how Auden creates meaning beyond his own context. The title including ‘epitaph’ implies a celebratory reflection of the positive aspects of tyrants, is initially reflected by aspects such as the positive idiom that a tyrants knows “human folly like the back of his hand”, as the metaphor shows how tyrants understand the faults of humanity. However it is also adianoeta which hints at the darker side of tyrants, through the negative connotation of the tyrant smacking down the populace. This emphasises that although they may be intelligent, tyrants possess some of the worst human faults. Great!. These destructive faults are reinforced by the final juxtaposing line of the poem “when he cried the kids in the streets died”, which is an appropriated quote from J.H. Motley, acting as an ironic allusion to Motley’s much kinder words about the great ruler William the Silent. This combines with the evocative imagery to illustrate how tyrants inevitably are terrible rulers who ultimately cause extreme harm to the individuals they rule over. This subverting of the initial expectation for a positive reflecting epitaph emphasises to not become complacent with tyrannical rule. I think the expression in the last phrase of the conclusion is a little off, but the paragraph on the whole is fantastic. Well argued conceptual focus. My only comment would again be to consider the audience a little more explicitly.
In ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’, Auden’s parody of a commemorating elegy allows him to illustrate his view that individuality was suppressed due to political states who encouraged conformity. The title “THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN” is a parody to the serious US military concept of the unknown soldier, and mocks the way unidentified soldiers are glorified for simply fighting and dying in war as commanded by their Government. Auden draws parallels from this allusion to the unknown citizen who is celebrated for being extremely “normal” and conformist, as encouraged by his Government. What is the significance of these allusions? What does it show us about suppression of individuality? Auden creates irony through the flat businesslike tone that undercuts the poem and the alphanumeric epigraph, which display no emotion towards the citizen, highlighting how individuality was often disregarded by political systems in favour of conformity, echoing Auden’s perception of the politics in totalitarian regimes such as Nazi Germany and Stalin’s USSR, as well as in other nations such as the United States. Excellent. The celebration of this citizen, who didn’t achieve anything, is again mocked through the litotes that illustrate his conformity as “there was no official complaint”. This satiric list of accomplishments illustrates how praise is replaced by the absence of criticism, showing how nations purely promote conformity rather than amazing achievements. The final rhetorical questions “Was he happy? Was he free? are the two most important questions and are dismissed as “absurd”, highlighting that these governments do not care for the individual, but simply wish for them to conform. Thus by creating a parodied elegy Auden represents his negative criticism on the enforcement of conformity by differing political ideologies. Again, fantastic paragraph, just ensure that every example is linked to your concept explicitly. More mention of the audience is once again needed to really boost your response.
Sammy J persuades the audience to accept his perspective of the immorality of detention centres through his ironic children’s television form and frequent black comedy. What greater theme at large is he pushing? Try to make the paragraphs as conceptual as possible (as you did earlier), then only use the specific subject matter as the example. The mis-en-scene of playschool combines with Sammy J’s sarcastic tone “we don’t want anyone getting hurt” in order to mock the lack of seriousness Australians deal with detention centres, creating irony as these centres often result in the harm of refugees even though their safety is an initial aim. Good. The intertextuality of the “row your boat” song represents some Australians’ ignorance to the true state of the issue, as they think everything is going as “merrily” as in the song. What does the intertextual allusion itself, beyond the words in the allusion, actually accomplish? This sort of higher level thinking is your next step. Sammy J uses black comedy through the juxtaposition of the problems of Australian and refugee children to further reinforces their dire situation as “there is no broccoli, and often no mum or dad.” What effect does this have on a privileged Australian audience? Sammy J also uses the literal and metaphorical meaning of the 1st page of the United Nations Refugee Convention of 1951 not looking “like it provides any protection whatsoever” to encourage newer and more effective action in regards to refugees and detention centres. Sammy J then gives factual information about a refugee costing “$400 000 a year to put her in here” hyperbolising the importance of required change in the situation as it is not very effective as it has been put “under a rug” and Australians often “try not to think about it." Sammy J’s harsh depiction of detention centres in his mocking playschool style podcast emphasises the idiocy the issue is handled with in Australia. Be careful of an incompatibility there; you don't hyperbolise using facts. Another effective paragraph, though not quite as effective as those for your Prescribed Text.
Malala Yousafzai’s personal anecdotes and profound metaphors enable her to convey her viewpoint that all individuals should receive education and be politically active in her address to the United Nations (2013). The need for her to express this insight was engendered by the War in Northwest Pakistan between State of Pakistan & armed militant groups, such as the Taliban & al-Qaeda. Good contextual introduction here, sets the scene quickly and effectively, though I'd like to see some links to how this context is obvious in the speech. She uses the anecdote “in Swat, the north of Pakistan, we realised the importance of pens and books when we saw the guns.” Which acts as an extended metaphor throughout her speech, and conveys her own personal experience in understanding the common maxim that emphasises the importance of education in order to combat violence. Good, though the expression there could be tidied a little. She then uses another anecdote in the tricola to express how even after she was shot in the head by the Taliban for attending school, through her education “weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born.” The antithesis of the emotions and traits that died and the ones that were born cerate a juxtaposition that emphasises that the key to fighting the Taliban is education. Yousafzai then utilises high modality in her metaphor “We will speak up for our rights and bring change through our voice.” To again emphasise that through engagement in politics, individuals are able to initiate change, that along with education is to the benefit of society. Watch the structuring here, I'm noticing you finishing a sentence with a quote, then starting a new sentence with "To again emphasise...," that isn't quite correct syntax, you need to either use a comma instead of a full stop, or link back to the quote explicitly, otherwise the start of your sentence sounds off. Through orating a powerful and compelling piece of rhetoric, Yousafzai is able to encourage the UN and other countries to help educate individuals. The impact of her rhetorical techniques can be seen through the effect of her address and her perspective, being the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014. Nice little touch on the end there, good significance evidence.
(Summarise what you have shown the reader about your thesis)
A composer’s effective portrayal of differing political perspectives through expert utilisation of different techniques enables their audiences’ apprehension of them in their texts. Ensure this conclusion is developed more for the real deal, it needs to be 3-4 sentences.
Auden ironically uses the form and structure of a traditional ballad poem in ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ to enable the audience to perceive how militaristic states intrude on the lives of individuals. A more conceptual start could be beneficial to you, but this does work well. The constant anaphora of “O” sets a fearing tone towards the unknown motives of the soldiers, and represents an eventual desperation caused by their final unstoppable destructive actions, which mirrors those of his contemporary states such as Nazi Germany’s persecution of minorities. Good link to context, great analysis. Auden also creates juxtaposition between the imagery in the opening stanza of the soldiers who “step lightly”, signifying their original minimal intrusion in the life of individuals, and the destructive imagery of the concluding stanza, where the revelation that the soldiers’ “boots are heavy on the floor” and their “eyes are burning” represents the true obtrusive nature of militaristic regimes. Great. This warning is reflective of the interbellum period, where Auden perceived the rising popularity of militarism within nations. The inversion of the tradition border ballad form to illustrate militarism’s unprepossessing nature, rather than it’s glories, Auden creates irony to illustrate that such regimes should not be glorified, but rather discouraged due to their negative effects on individuals. Slightly expression issue there, add "Through the" to the start of the sentence. Thus Auden is able to successfully communicate his perception of the invasiveness of militarism on individuals. Great first paragraph, effective analysis, I'd like to see some more explicit consideration of the effects on Auden's audience, and us as universal responders. Contextual links are fabulous.
He again creates irony in his reflective poem ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’, satirically criticising tyrants in general, and the way they inevitably negatively affect individuals. The omission of any specific details about a certain tyrant creates ambiguity, allowing Auden to target tyrannical rule in general, the likes of which Auden experienced with the rise of Hitler when he lived in 1929 Berlin, and with Franco during his participation for the Republicans in the Spanish Civil War. Great contextual links, but this ambiguity would be a great chance to highlight the relevance to us as universal responders, how Auden creates meaning beyond his own context. The title including ‘epitaph’ implies a celebratory reflection of the positive aspects of tyrants, is initially reflected by aspects such as the positive idiom that a tyrants knows “human folly like the back of his hand”, as the metaphor shows how tyrants understand the faults of humanity. However it is also adianoeta which hints at the darker side of tyrants, through the negative connotation of the tyrant smacking down the populace. This emphasises that although they may be intelligent, tyrants possess some of the worst human faults. Great!. These destructive faults are reinforced by the final juxtaposing line of the poem “when he cried the kids in the streets died”, which is an appropriated quote from J.H. Motley, acting as an ironic allusion to Motley’s much kinder words about the great ruler William the Silent. This combines with the evocative imagery to illustrate how tyrants inevitably are terrible rulers who ultimately cause extreme harm to the individuals they rule over. This subverting of the initial expectation for a positive reflecting epitaph emphasises to not become complacent with tyrannical rule. I think the expression in the last phrase of the conclusion is a little off, but the paragraph on the whole is fantastic. Well argued conceptual focus. My only comment would again be to consider the audience a little more explicitly.
In ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’, Auden’s parody of a commemorating elegy allows him to illustrate his view that individuality was suppressed due to political states who encouraged conformity. The title “THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN” is a parody to the serious US military concept of the unknown soldier, and mocks the way unidentified soldiers are glorified for simply fighting and dying in war as commanded by their Government. Auden draws parallels from this allusion to the unknown citizen who is celebrated for being extremely “normal” and conformist, as encouraged by his Government. What is the significance of these allusions? What does it show us about suppression of individuality? Auden creates irony through the flat businesslike tone that undercuts the poem and the alphanumeric epigraph, which display no emotion towards the citizen, highlighting how individuality was often disregarded by political systems in favour of conformity, echoing Auden’s perception of the politics in totalitarian regimes such as Nazi Germany and Stalin’s USSR, as well as in other nations such as the United States. Excellent. The celebration of this citizen, who didn’t achieve anything, is again mocked through the litotes that illustrate his conformity as “there was no official complaint”. This satiric list of accomplishments illustrates how praise is replaced by the absence of criticism, showing how nations purely promote conformity rather than amazing achievements. The final rhetorical questions “Was he happy? Was he free? are the two most important questions and are dismissed as “absurd”, highlighting that these governments do not care for the individual, but simply wish for them to conform. Thus by creating a parodied elegy Auden represents his negative criticism on the enforcement of conformity by differing political ideologies. Again, fantastic paragraph, just ensure that every example is linked to your concept explicitly. More mention of the audience is once again needed to really boost your response.
Sammy J persuades the audience to accept his perspective of the immorality of detention centres through his ironic children’s television form and frequent black comedy. What greater theme at large is he pushing? Try to make the paragraphs as conceptual as possible (as you did earlier), then only use the specific subject matter as the example. The mis-en-scene of playschool combines with Sammy J’s sarcastic tone “we don’t want anyone getting hurt” in order to mock the lack of seriousness Australians deal with detention centres, creating irony as these centres often result in the harm of refugees even though their safety is an initial aim. Good. The intertextuality of the “row your boat” song represents some Australians’ ignorance to the true state of the issue, as they think everything is going as “merrily” as in the song. What does the intertextual allusion itself, beyond the words in the allusion, actually accomplish? This sort of higher level thinking is your next step. Sammy J uses black comedy through the juxtaposition of the problems of Australian and refugee children to further reinforces their dire situation as “there is no broccoli, and often no mum or dad.” What effect does this have on a privileged Australian audience? Sammy J also uses the literal and metaphorical meaning of the 1st page of the United Nations Refugee Convention of 1951 not looking “like it provides any protection whatsoever” to encourage newer and more effective action in regards to refugees and detention centres. Sammy J then gives factual information about a refugee costing “$400 000 a year to put her in here” hyperbolising the importance of required change in the situation as it is not very effective as it has been put “under a rug” and Australians often “try not to think about it." Sammy J’s harsh depiction of detention centres in his mocking playschool style podcast emphasises the idiocy the issue is handled with in Australia. Be careful of an incompatibility there; you don't hyperbolise using facts. Another effective paragraph, though not quite as effective as those for your Prescribed Text.
Malala Yousafzai’s personal anecdotes and profound metaphors enable her to convey her viewpoint that all individuals should receive education and be politically active in her address to the United Nations (2013). The need for her to express this insight was engendered by the War in Northwest Pakistan between State of Pakistan & armed militant groups, such as the Taliban & al-Qaeda. Good contextual introduction here, sets the scene quickly and effectively, though I'd like to see some links to how this context is obvious in the speech. She uses the anecdote “in Swat, the north of Pakistan, we realised the importance of pens and books when we saw the guns.” Which acts as an extended metaphor throughout her speech, and conveys her own personal experience in understanding the common maxim that emphasises the importance of education in order to combat violence. Good, though the expression there could be tidied a little. She then uses another anecdote in the tricola to express how even after she was shot in the head by the Taliban for attending school, through her education “weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born.” The antithesis of the emotions and traits that died and the ones that were born cerate a juxtaposition that emphasises that the key to fighting the Taliban is education. Yousafzai then utilises high modality in her metaphor “We will speak up for our rights and bring change through our voice.” To again emphasise that through engagement in politics, individuals are able to initiate change, that along with education is to the benefit of society. Watch the structuring here, I'm noticing you finishing a sentence with a quote, then starting a new sentence with "To again emphasise...," that isn't quite correct syntax, you need to either use a comma instead of a full stop, or link back to the quote explicitly, otherwise the start of your sentence sounds off. Through orating a powerful and compelling piece of rhetoric, Yousafzai is able to encourage the UN and other countries to help educate individuals. The impact of her rhetorical techniques can be seen through the effect of her address and her perspective, being the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014. Nice little touch on the end there, good significance evidence.
(Summarise what you have shown the reader about your thesis)
A composer’s effective portrayal of differing political perspectives through expert utilisation of different techniques enables their audiences’ apprehension of them in their texts. Ensure this conclusion is developed more for the real deal, it needs to be 3-4 sentences.
Overall, a really fantastic essay Mark! Great analysis with well argued points and effective textual references, excellent work! My only two (minor) concerns would be:
1 - Try to make more explicit references to the audience. This module is about how meaning is crafted through deliberate representational choices, and you can accentuate this argument by referencing specifically how Auden (and others) have created meaning for specific audiences (contextual and universal).
2 - Watch your expression doesn't turn into "Auden then ....", "Auden then uses ....". It seems very chronological and slips your analysis down a little, because it seems like you are just going, "Yeah, used this technique, did this, then used this technique, did this," rather than making deliberate choices from parts of the speech that are relevant to your concept. Just being a little more abstract would make the essay a tad more powerful ;D
On the whole though, definitely Band 6 material in my opinion, fantastic work Mark ;D
Post by: MarkThor on September 08, 2016, 06:48:03 pm
Post by: Elfen on September 10, 2016, 09:05:47 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 10, 2016, 10:12:38 am
Hi!! This is my comparative essay draft, I haven't done one before so could you please give me feedback on the structure and analysis? I wasn't sure if this forum was only for year 12s, but i'll upload it anyways. Thanks :D
Hey Elfen! Welcome to the forums! ;D you can definitely post your work here!!
We would love to give you feedback on your essay, however the essay marking policy requires 15 posts per essay marked. This is to ensure that the feedback goes to active members of the ATAR Notes community, and that the service remains viable for the markers. If you hang around the site for a bit, I bet you'll rack up the post count really quick, you may even like to start by introducing yourself in our Make Your First Post! thread ;D thanks in advance!
Post by: conic curve on September 10, 2016, 10:43:17 am
The desire of power of having a high status of nobility is a significant feature in 'Macbeth'. This has been observed in the different ways in which power can be manifested through the play where Macduff tests Malcolm's loyalty by describing his reproachable qualities of becoming trustworthy by demeaning his own nobility and professing himself to be a greater tyrant then Macbeth as this has been demonstrated in the closing stanza of Act 4 scene 3, through the repetition of the word 'power', 'come, go we to the king; our power is ready; our lack is nothing but our leave; Macbeth. Is ripe for shaking and the powers above used to emphasize the significance of Macbeth's power compared to that of Macduff and Malcolm and how they want to take him over and claim that Malcolm should be the next king of Scotland
Post by: Lauradf36 on September 11, 2016, 02:03:27 pm
So this is a Mod B paragraph and I just want to know how I could improve on it
Personal thoughts (not gospel):
The desire of power having a high status of nobility is a significant feature in 'Macbeth', which can be observed in the different ways in which power is manifested throughout the play. where Macduff tests Malcolm's loyalty by describing his reproachable qualities of becoming trustworthy by demeaning his own nobility and professing himself to be a greater tyrant then Macbeth as this has been demonstrated in the closing stanza of Act 4 scene 3, through the repetition of the word 'power', 'come, go we to the king; our power is ready; our lack is nothing but our leave; Macbeth. This sentence needs to be divided somehow as it is quite convoluted and lengthy - I would personally start a new sentence at "this has been demonstrated". I would also suggest making the quotation marks clearer. Is ripe for shaking and the powers above Also use quotation marks when you are referring to parts of the quote. are used to emphasize Specific technique?the significance of Macbeth's power compared to that of Macduff and Malcolm and how they want to take him over and claim that Malcolm should be the next king of Scotland. This last sentence could have more sophistication - maybe link it more clearly to your opening line.
Overall, you could improve this in its sophistication, maybe just do some reworking/editing. I would also personally integrate some context and maybe add another quote to beef it up a bit. But imho, you're definitely going great! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 11, 2016, 02:17:15 pm
So this is a Mod B paragraph and I just want to know how I could improve on it
Hey conic! Laura beat me to the punch, thanks Laura! I'd take your word as Gospel ;) Some additional comments from me though:
Spoiler
The desire of power of having a high status of nobility is a significant feature in 'Macbeth'. Some slight expression issues in the first part of that sentence, perhaps adding "and" after power would help? I'd also like to see you go into a bit more depth with the idea. This has been observed in the different ways in which power can be manifested through the play where Macduff tests Malcolm's loyalty by describing his reproachable qualities of becoming trustworthy by demeaning his own nobility and professing himself to be a greater tyrant then Macbeth as this has been demonstrated in the closing stanza of Act 4 scene 3, through the repetition of the word 'power', 'come, go we to the king; our power is ready; our lack is nothing but our leave; Macbeth. Definitely too long a sentence hear; split it into two or even three. Is ripe for shaking and the powers above used to emphasize the significance of Macbeth's power compared to that of Macduff and Malcolm and how they want to take him over and claim that Malcolm should be the next king of Scotland. Expression issues here as well, and also slipping into retell.
Overall, your expression would be the main area for improvement I'd raise, read it out to yourself to try and spot where the sentence don't quite flow. Further, you'll need to analyse more than one quote in a Module B paragraph, try to aim for 3 at a minimum! What you did do was effective, though perhaps look at doing it in less words so you can get more done within the time limit! ;D
Post by: conic curve on September 11, 2016, 06:06:35 pm
Hey conic! Laura beat me to the punch, thanks Laura! I'd take your word as Gospel ;) Some additional comments from me though:SpoilerThe desire of power of having a high status of nobility is a significant feature in 'Macbeth'. Some slight expression issues in the first part of that sentence, perhaps adding "and" after power would help? I'd also like to see you go into a bit more depth with the idea. This has been observed in the different ways in which power can be manifested through the play where Macduff tests Malcolm's loyalty by describing his reproachable qualities of becoming trustworthy by demeaning his own nobility and professing himself to be a greater tyrant then Macbeth as this has been demonstrated in the closing stanza of Act 4 scene 3, through the repetition of the word 'power', 'come, go we to the king; our power is ready; our lack is nothing but our leave; Macbeth. Definitely too long a sentence hear; split it into two or even three. Is ripe for shaking and the powers above used to emphasize the significance of Macbeth's power compared to that of Macduff and Malcolm and how they want to take him over and claim that Malcolm should be the next king of Scotland. Expression issues here as well, and also slipping into retell.
Overall, your expression would be the main area for improvement I'd raise, read it out to yourself to try and spot where the sentence don't quite flow. Further, you'll need to analyse more than one quote in a Module B paragraph, try to aim for 3 at a minimum! What you did do was effective, though perhaps look at doing it in less words so you can get more done within the time limit! ;D
If you were to do it for a module A paragraph, how would I do it?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 11, 2016, 06:41:05 pm
If you were to do it for a module A paragraph, how would I do it?
Pretty much the same! The only difference between the Modules is what is the motivation for your analysis. Module A is concerned with the effect of context. Module B is concerned with critical judgement of the effectiveness/integrity of the text. Module C is about understanding the effect of representation on meaning ;D in all, you still need to be analysing several quotes per paragraph in similar ways, it's just linking different things ;D
Post by: lha on September 13, 2016, 10:51:22 pm
Attached is my module B essay for hamlet. I would like critical marking and i have something specific to ask. One of my points that i have spoken about is that shakespeare has written this play to explain that death is the ultimate equaliser and that identity is irrelevant after death. My teachers absolutely hate this idea and think that i am going to fail my mod b essay in the hsc because of it (they gave me 13/20 for my trials because of it), whereas my tutor says that as long as i answer the question, it doesnt really matter what my interpretation of the play is and that my interpretation isnt bad anyway. Please let me know whether it is a significant interpretation or if i have to change one third of my essay. URGENT HELP NEEDED :'(
Thank you!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 13, 2016, 11:22:08 pm
Hi,
Attached is my module B essay for hamlet. I would like critical marking and i have something specific to ask. One of my points that i have spoken about is that shakespeare has written this play to explain that death is the ultimate equaliser and that identity is irrelevant after death. My teachers absolutely hate this idea and think that i am going to fail my mod b essay in the hsc because of it (they gave me 13/20 for my trials because of it), whereas my tutor says that as long as i answer the question, it doesnt really matter what my interpretation of the play is and that my interpretation isnt bad anyway. Please let me know whether it is a significant interpretation or if i have to change one third of my essay. URGENT HELP NEEDED :'(
Thank you!!
Hey there lha! I'd definitely be keen to give you some critical feedback, but you need another 15 posts to qualify for feedback on your essay! That's based on the other feedback you've received previously, so once you hit that 35 total post count let me know!! ;D
That said, I still want to help you with that specific issue. I think it's absolutely bizarre that your teachers hate that idea, because it is a fairly common one for this text, I've seen it before and it works well. Further, a quick read of your paragraph doesn't raise any eyebrows, I think it works well and is argued clearly. Provided the idea works with the question, then I definitely think you are okay!!
Just as a general alert, you'll never be marked down for raising an interpretation that the teachers disagree with (indeed, Jake made a living out of it). You will be marked down for not arguing your point well, OR, for arguing a point that isn't relevant to the question. I don't think you have either of those issues, so my opinion would be that you are set to go! ;D
Hope that helps, and be sure to let me know when you hit 35 posts and I'll give your essay a proper critique! ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on September 14, 2016, 08:02:11 pm
My teacher keeps telling me to work on my expression but I am having a lot of trouble fixing it. As well as making them succinct.
PS: If possible could I get a response as soon as possible? My test on this is on Friday :-\
Spoiler
Answer BOTH questions in 1-3 succinct and targeted paragraphs. Your answer to each question is expected to range between 200-300 words.
Q1. How has one text you have studied used intertextuality to shape audience response?
Fairytales are preconceived by society to be perfect and moralistic. ‘The Werewolf’ by Angela Carter delves into dark messages hidden behind picturesque fairy tales. Intertextuality influences the reader to draw parallels between the gothic short story ‘The Werewolf’ and the ideal fairytale story ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Carter challenges the reader's preconceived notion and expectation by using characterisation and descriptive language to evoke a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise.
Characterisation used by Carter shapes the audience’s response of surprise towards the intertextual difference between the character of the heroine within the text ‘The Werewolf’ and ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.By initially constructing ‘The Werewolf’ with a typical heroine the intended effect is to make the heroine seem defenceless to the reader to evoke a feeling of familiarity to typical fairy tale protagonists. The use of Intertextuality in addition to characterisation changes the classic story of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ into a contemporary gothic story ‘The Werewolf’. This challenges the reader’s perceived notion and expectation of a fairy tale by evoking a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise. In 'The Werewolf' the way the heroine hides under a facade of a vulnerable damsel in distress wearing a ‘scabby coat of sheepskin’ at the mercy of a villainous wolf evokes a sense of foreboding. To complement this approach, the heroine is later portrayed as a typical heroine in gothic fiction; an independent, smart yet vicious character in a cruel environment with ‘cold weather and ‘tempest; wild beasts in the forest’. This evokes a sense of surprise from the reader due to the intertextual difference in the preconceived character a heroine should be. Carter's use of descriptive language in ‘made a great swipe at it with her father’s knife and slashed off its right forepaw' accentuates the heroine’s confidence and independence evoking a sense of surprise from the reader. Carter deliberately uses intertextuality to evoke confusion and surprise from the reader to emphasise that there is a thin line between what defines a good and evil character. Angela Carter also uses intertextuality in ‘The Werewolf’ to show how females can be to be more vicious and independent than rather than weak, vulnerable as perceived in ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.
Q1. How has one text you have studied used intertextuality to shape audience response?
Fairytales are preconceived by society to be perfect and moralistic. ‘The Werewolf’ by Angela Carter delves into dark messages hidden behind picturesque fairy tales. Intertextuality influences the reader to draw parallels between the gothic short story ‘The Werewolf’ and the ideal fairytale story ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Carter challenges the reader's preconceived notion and expectation by using characterisation and descriptive language to evoke a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise.
Characterisation used by Carter shapes the audience’s response of surprise towards the intertextual difference between the character of the heroine within the text ‘The Werewolf’ and ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.By initially constructing ‘The Werewolf’ with a typical heroine the intended effect is to make the heroine seem defenceless to the reader to evoke a feeling of familiarity to typical fairy tale protagonists. The use of Intertextuality in addition to characterisation changes the classic story of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ into a contemporary gothic story ‘The Werewolf’. This challenges the reader’s perceived notion and expectation of a fairy tale by evoking a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise. In 'The Werewolf' the way the heroine hides under a facade of a vulnerable damsel in distress wearing a ‘scabby coat of sheepskin’ at the mercy of a villainous wolf evokes a sense of foreboding. To complement this approach, the heroine is later portrayed as a typical heroine in gothic fiction; an independent, smart yet vicious character in a cruel environment with ‘cold weather and ‘tempest; wild beasts in the forest’. This evokes a sense of surprise from the reader due to the intertextual difference in the preconceived character a heroine should be. Carter's use of descriptive language in ‘made a great swipe at it with her father’s knife and slashed off its right forepaw' accentuates the heroine’s confidence and independence evoking a sense of surprise from the reader. Carter deliberately uses intertextuality to evoke confusion and surprise from the reader to emphasise that there is a thin line between what defines a good and evil character. Angela Carter also uses intertextuality in ‘The Werewolf’ to show how females can be to be more vicious and independent than rather than weak, vulnerable as perceived in ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.
Question 2: Hopefully better
Spoiler
2. How can responses to a text change over time and in different historical, social and cultural contexts? Briefly explain in relation to one text you have studied. (15 marks)
Social class and roles in society were categorised according to wealth and status around the world in the past. This evokes a sense of confusion and anger from the reader to the fact that women and men were assigned particular roles and expectations to fulfill that are considered to be ridiculous in modern society. In Jane Austen’s sentimental story ‘Edgar and Emma’ the different social and cultural contexts can be evidently compared to modern society.
The significance of the separation of different classes is coherently shown when Emma addressed the Wilmots. The significance of class is evident from the reaction from Wilmot family ‘,‘They were all greatly surprised by such an unexpected address’ encapsulates Emma being a unmarried women of lower class. In modern society distinct classes are no longer present evoking confusion and anger from the reader that such treatment was common in Austen’s time. The author’s use of descriptive language in ‘summon up sufficient courage to ask Mrs Willmot after the rest of her family; and when she did, it was in so low, so faltering a voice that no one knew she spoke’ encapsulates how women in the past had low status and did not have a voice. In modern society there are no distinct social classes as established in the past era, people are able to talk freely using the freedom of speech. This evokes anger from the reader due to how restrictive leaving in this era would’ve been like.
The way Emma is characterised as a meek and responsible woman whose life revolves around Edgar and marriage evokes anger from female readers. This is due to Emma’s behaviour and her obsession for Edgar. The fact that Emma’s life revolving around Edgar and marriage is unfamiliar to the modern reader who has been to perceive marriage as a secondary importance.This is due to environmental influences and conditioning in society that differs between the present and the past. Austen’s use of exaggeration in ‘It was with difficulty that Emma could refrain from tears on hearing of the absence of Edgar; ...having no check to the over flowings of her grief, she gave free vent to them, and retiring to her own room, continued in tears the remainder of her life’ encapsulates how Emma’s life essentially revolved around Edgar’s existence. Whereas, to the modern reader relationships are commonly fleeting prompting the reader to question why Emma would be so obsessed for one single man.
In modern society, the importance of gender roles changed where women are considered to be of equal standing to men. However, taking into consideration the cultural and social context during Jane Austen’s time the importance of marriage is accentuated. For the modern reader; male or female they can not fathom living in an time period where there is distinct social classes and roles as well cultural expectations. Evidently, readers will be angered and confused to the different different historical, social and cultural context of the text ‘Edgar and Emma’.
Social class and roles in society were categorised according to wealth and status around the world in the past. This evokes a sense of confusion and anger from the reader to the fact that women and men were assigned particular roles and expectations to fulfill that are considered to be ridiculous in modern society. In Jane Austen’s sentimental story ‘Edgar and Emma’ the different social and cultural contexts can be evidently compared to modern society.
The significance of the separation of different classes is coherently shown when Emma addressed the Wilmots. The significance of class is evident from the reaction from Wilmot family ‘,‘They were all greatly surprised by such an unexpected address’ encapsulates Emma being a unmarried women of lower class. In modern society distinct classes are no longer present evoking confusion and anger from the reader that such treatment was common in Austen’s time. The author’s use of descriptive language in ‘summon up sufficient courage to ask Mrs Willmot after the rest of her family; and when she did, it was in so low, so faltering a voice that no one knew she spoke’ encapsulates how women in the past had low status and did not have a voice. In modern society there are no distinct social classes as established in the past era, people are able to talk freely using the freedom of speech. This evokes anger from the reader due to how restrictive leaving in this era would’ve been like.
The way Emma is characterised as a meek and responsible woman whose life revolves around Edgar and marriage evokes anger from female readers. This is due to Emma’s behaviour and her obsession for Edgar. The fact that Emma’s life revolving around Edgar and marriage is unfamiliar to the modern reader who has been to perceive marriage as a secondary importance.This is due to environmental influences and conditioning in society that differs between the present and the past. Austen’s use of exaggeration in ‘It was with difficulty that Emma could refrain from tears on hearing of the absence of Edgar; ...having no check to the over flowings of her grief, she gave free vent to them, and retiring to her own room, continued in tears the remainder of her life’ encapsulates how Emma’s life essentially revolved around Edgar’s existence. Whereas, to the modern reader relationships are commonly fleeting prompting the reader to question why Emma would be so obsessed for one single man.
In modern society, the importance of gender roles changed where women are considered to be of equal standing to men. However, taking into consideration the cultural and social context during Jane Austen’s time the importance of marriage is accentuated. For the modern reader; male or female they can not fathom living in an time period where there is distinct social classes and roles as well cultural expectations. Evidently, readers will be angered and confused to the different different historical, social and cultural context of the text ‘Edgar and Emma’.
Marking key (hopefully I've fulfilled it?)
Spoiler
Question 1: Description
Marks
Demonstrates understanding of intertextuality.
1 - 3
Explains how intertextuality is used to shape audience response.
1 - 7
/10
Question 2: Description
Marks
Explains why reader response to a text can change over time
1 - 2
Explains how responses to a text are influenced by changing socio-cultural and historical contexts.
1 - 8
/10
Total
/20
/15%
Marks
Demonstrates understanding of intertextuality.
1 - 3
Explains how intertextuality is used to shape audience response.
1 - 7
/10
Question 2: Description
Marks
Explains why reader response to a text can change over time
1 - 2
Explains how responses to a text are influenced by changing socio-cultural and historical contexts.
1 - 8
/10
Total
/20
/15%
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 15, 2016, 09:17:26 am
Hi, I finished my draft for question 1 and was wondering if its better :)
My teacher keeps telling me to work on my expression but I am having a lot of trouble fixing it. As well as making them succinct.
PS: If possible could I get a response as soon as possible? My test on this is on Friday :-\
Hey! Sure thing, comments throughout, I can't make sense of that making key though, the formatting is all messed up :P
Answer BOTH questions in 1-3 succinct and targeted paragraphs. Your answer to each question is expected to range between 200-300 words.
Q1. How has one text you have studied used intertextuality to shape audience response?
Spoiler
Fairytales are preconceived by society to be perfect and moralistic. ‘The Werewolf’ by Angela Carter delves into dark messages hidden behind picturesque fairy tales. What are these dark messages? This Thesis is a little vague. Intertextuality influences the reader to draw parallels between the gothic short story ‘The Werewolf’ and the ideal fairytale story ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Good link to question. Carter challenges the reader's preconceived notion and expectation by using characterisation and descriptive language to evoke a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise. Good start, but I'm missing a sense of purpose; what themes is the composer trying to convey here? What's the point of the intertextuality? What dark messages are being conveyed?
Characterisation used by Carter shapes the audience’s response of surprise towards the intertextual difference between the character of the heroine within the text ‘The Werewolf’ and ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Yes, the audience is surprised by the stray from typical fairytale morality, but what theme/idea is this conveying? Does it concern death, relationships, belonging? By initially constructing ‘The Werewolf’ with a typical heroine the intended effect is to make the heroine seem defenceless to the reader to evoke a feeling of familiarity to typical fairy tale protagonists. I'll highlight sentences that could be made more succinct. The use of Intertextuality in addition to characterisation changes the classic story of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ into a contemporary gothic story ‘The Werewolf’. Achieving what? Again, what's the point of this translation? Further, how is intertextuality achieved? This challenges the reader’s perceived notion and expectation of a fairy tale by evoking a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise. What is mysterious? In 'The Werewolf' the way the heroine hides under a facade of a vulnerable damsel in distress wearing a ‘scabby coat of sheepskin’ at the mercy of a villainous wolf evokes a sense of foreboding. Technique? What is the composer using here and why? To complement this approach, the heroine is later portrayed as a typical heroine in gothic fiction; an independent, smart yet vicious character in a cruel environment with ‘cold weather and ‘tempest; wild beasts in the forest’. That sentence could be shortened, see below for an example. This evokes a sense of surprise from the reader due to the intertextual difference in the preconceived character a heroine should be. Okay, the reader is surprised, but what do we learn? Again, what's the purpose/rationale? Carter's use of descriptive language in ‘made a great swipe at it with her father’s knife and slashed off its right forepaw' accentuates the heroine’s confidence and independence evoking a sense of surprise from the reader. You need to be more varied with your audience impact than just "surprised." Carter deliberately uses intertextuality to evoke confusion and surprise from the reader to emphasise that there is a thin line between what defines a good and evil character. THERE is the idea that I'm looking for, that needs to be prevalent MUCH sooner. Angela Carter also uses intertextuality in ‘The Werewolf’ to show how females can be to be more vicious and independent than rather than weak, vulnerable as perceived in ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. What sorts of parallels? Don't just use the term vaguely, give me a specific example of how a parallel is conveyed.
Characterisation used by Carter shapes the audience’s response of surprise towards the intertextual difference between the character of the heroine within the text ‘The Werewolf’ and ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Yes, the audience is surprised by the stray from typical fairytale morality, but what theme/idea is this conveying? Does it concern death, relationships, belonging? By initially constructing ‘The Werewolf’ with a typical heroine the intended effect is to make the heroine seem defenceless to the reader to evoke a feeling of familiarity to typical fairy tale protagonists. I'll highlight sentences that could be made more succinct. The use of Intertextuality in addition to characterisation changes the classic story of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ into a contemporary gothic story ‘The Werewolf’. Achieving what? Again, what's the point of this translation? Further, how is intertextuality achieved? This challenges the reader’s perceived notion and expectation of a fairy tale by evoking a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise. What is mysterious? In 'The Werewolf' the way the heroine hides under a facade of a vulnerable damsel in distress wearing a ‘scabby coat of sheepskin’ at the mercy of a villainous wolf evokes a sense of foreboding. Technique? What is the composer using here and why? To complement this approach, the heroine is later portrayed as a typical heroine in gothic fiction; an independent, smart yet vicious character in a cruel environment with ‘cold weather and ‘tempest; wild beasts in the forest’. That sentence could be shortened, see below for an example. This evokes a sense of surprise from the reader due to the intertextual difference in the preconceived character a heroine should be. Okay, the reader is surprised, but what do we learn? Again, what's the purpose/rationale? Carter's use of descriptive language in ‘made a great swipe at it with her father’s knife and slashed off its right forepaw' accentuates the heroine’s confidence and independence evoking a sense of surprise from the reader. You need to be more varied with your audience impact than just "surprised." Carter deliberately uses intertextuality to evoke confusion and surprise from the reader to emphasise that there is a thin line between what defines a good and evil character. THERE is the idea that I'm looking for, that needs to be prevalent MUCH sooner. Angela Carter also uses intertextuality in ‘The Werewolf’ to show how females can be to be more vicious and independent than rather than weak, vulnerable as perceived in ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. What sorts of parallels? Don't just use the term vaguely, give me a specific example of how a parallel is conveyed.
I don't think your expression is too much of an issue in this response, instead I'm looking for more depth of analysis. You've only used one proper technique in the response, you need at least three in a paragraph of that size. Further, you need to more carefully consider audience impacts beyond just "surprised," what ideas are conveyed? These ideas need to be the focus and intertextuality is the means by which you explore that focus. You had a great idea at the end there, thread it through.
You can try being a little more succinct by changing the order of your sentences, and removing some unnecessary info. For example:
To complement this approach, the heroine is later portrayed as a typical heroine in gothic fiction; an independent, smart yet vicious character in a cruel environment with ‘cold weather and ‘tempest; wild beasts in the forest’.
Turns into:
This approach is complemented through typical portrayal of the gothic heroine as an independent, smart and vicious character.
Notice I removed the quote; without a technique and without any direct link to the idea you are portraying, ask yourself: Why is it there?
2. How can responses to a text change over time and in different historical, social and cultural contexts? Briefly explain in relation to one text you have studied. (15 marks)
Spoiler
Social class and roles in society were categorised according to wealth and status around the world in the past. Expression Issue: Move "in the past" to the front and add a comma! This evokes a sense of confusion and anger from the reader to the fact that women and men were assigned particular roles and expectations to fulfill that are considered to be ridiculous in modern society. In Jane Austen’s sentimental story ‘Edgar and Emma’ the different social and cultural contexts can be evidently compared to modern society. This last phrase doesn't quite make sense, the different sociocultural contexts includes modern society! Perhaps say the "historical social context can be compared to that of modern society?
The significance of the separation of different classes is coherently shown when Emma addressed the Wilmots. The significance of class is evident from the reaction from Wilmot family ‘,‘They were all greatly surprised by such an unexpected address’ encapsulates Emma being a unmarried women of lower class. Retell. In modern society distinct classes are no longer present evoking confusion and anger from the reader that such treatment was common in Austen’s time. Again, you need to do more than just "confusion and anger." The author’s use of descriptive language in ‘summon up sufficient courage to ask Mrs Willmot after the rest of her family; and when she did, it was in so low, so faltering a voice that no one knew she spoke’ encapsulates how women in the past had low status and did not have a voice. Good, though you could shorten that quote if you need to, only a part of it is necessary to get your point across. In modern society there are no distinct social classes as established in the past era, people are able to talk freely using the freedom of speech. This evokes anger from the reader due to how restrictive leaving in this era would’ve been like. You are hitting the context stuff well, but similar to above, I'm not really getting a sense of purpose/direction here. I've got, "The author wrote about a historical period and the audience is angry because society isn't like that anymore." What does this achieve? What does the audience learn? What themes are explored/conveyed?
The way Emma is characterised as a meek and responsible woman whose life revolves around Edgar and marriage evokes anger from female readers. This is due to Emma’s behaviour and her obsession for Edgar. The fact that Emma’s life revolving around Edgar and marriage is unfamiliar to the modern reader who has been to perceive marriage as a secondary importance. This is due to environmental influences and conditioning in society that differs between the present and the past. Good exploration of social factors. Austen’s use of exaggeration in ‘It was with difficulty that Emma could refrain from tears on hearing of the absence of Edgar; ...having no check to the over flowings of her grief, she gave free vent to them, and retiring to her own room, continued in tears the remainder of her life’ encapsulates how Emma’s life essentially revolved around Edgar’s existence. Quote is FAR too long there, try to be selective with what you include, only include the essential bits. Whereas, to the modern reader relationships are commonly fleeting prompting the reader to question why Emma would be so obsessed for one single man. Try and do more analysis in each paragraph. I know your word count is small, but one technique per paragraph doesn't quite give you enough depth in my opinion.
In modern society, the importance of gender roles changed where women are considered to be of equal standing to men. However, taking into consideration the cultural and social context during Jane Austen’s time the importance of marriage is accentuated. For the modern reader; male or female they can not fathom living in an time period where there is distinct social classes and roles as well cultural expectations. Evidently, readers will be angered and confused to the different different historical, social and cultural context of the text ‘Edgar and Emma’. This conclusion is good, it concludes well, but it accentuates the fact that there is no sense of direction to your essay. "The audience can't relate to the social context of Austen's time," isn't quite enough.
The significance of the separation of different classes is coherently shown when Emma addressed the Wilmots. The significance of class is evident from the reaction from Wilmot family ‘,‘They were all greatly surprised by such an unexpected address’ encapsulates Emma being a unmarried women of lower class. Retell. In modern society distinct classes are no longer present evoking confusion and anger from the reader that such treatment was common in Austen’s time. Again, you need to do more than just "confusion and anger." The author’s use of descriptive language in ‘summon up sufficient courage to ask Mrs Willmot after the rest of her family; and when she did, it was in so low, so faltering a voice that no one knew she spoke’ encapsulates how women in the past had low status and did not have a voice. Good, though you could shorten that quote if you need to, only a part of it is necessary to get your point across. In modern society there are no distinct social classes as established in the past era, people are able to talk freely using the freedom of speech. This evokes anger from the reader due to how restrictive leaving in this era would’ve been like. You are hitting the context stuff well, but similar to above, I'm not really getting a sense of purpose/direction here. I've got, "The author wrote about a historical period and the audience is angry because society isn't like that anymore." What does this achieve? What does the audience learn? What themes are explored/conveyed?
The way Emma is characterised as a meek and responsible woman whose life revolves around Edgar and marriage evokes anger from female readers. This is due to Emma’s behaviour and her obsession for Edgar. The fact that Emma’s life revolving around Edgar and marriage is unfamiliar to the modern reader who has been to perceive marriage as a secondary importance. This is due to environmental influences and conditioning in society that differs between the present and the past. Good exploration of social factors. Austen’s use of exaggeration in ‘It was with difficulty that Emma could refrain from tears on hearing of the absence of Edgar; ...having no check to the over flowings of her grief, she gave free vent to them, and retiring to her own room, continued in tears the remainder of her life’ encapsulates how Emma’s life essentially revolved around Edgar’s existence. Quote is FAR too long there, try to be selective with what you include, only include the essential bits. Whereas, to the modern reader relationships are commonly fleeting prompting the reader to question why Emma would be so obsessed for one single man. Try and do more analysis in each paragraph. I know your word count is small, but one technique per paragraph doesn't quite give you enough depth in my opinion.
In modern society, the importance of gender roles changed where women are considered to be of equal standing to men. However, taking into consideration the cultural and social context during Jane Austen’s time the importance of marriage is accentuated. For the modern reader; male or female they can not fathom living in an time period where there is distinct social classes and roles as well cultural expectations. Evidently, readers will be angered and confused to the different different historical, social and cultural context of the text ‘Edgar and Emma’. This conclusion is good, it concludes well, but it accentuates the fact that there is no sense of direction to your essay. "The audience can't relate to the social context of Austen's time," isn't quite enough.
My main concerns here are same as above. You hit the context stuff well, but you need to develop some stronger analysis (again, more than one technique per paragraph is essential). Part of this will be developing a Thesis, some idea that you explore throughout the response. It isn't enough to just say, "The modern audience doesn't get it," it needs to be more well rounded than that. Try exploring/linking to a theme like love, relationships, or belonging! What ideas (regarding these themes) is the audience presented with (include technique to show how), and how does our modern response differ to that of Austen's context (and why). The context stuff is great, but it needs to serve a purpose! :)
Post by: caitie145 on September 15, 2016, 04:54:08 pm
I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know :) Thanks !!
Post by: conic curve on September 15, 2016, 05:10:02 pm
Hey !
I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know :) Thanks !!
I think for the first paragraph, it would've been better to write something like "Shakespeare's tragic drama Hamlet explores the representation of intense human relationships that captivates audiences.
The relationships between Hamlet and Claudius, Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern become significant to the play as a whole. - in which way/how
Hamlet is a play that shows representations of intense human relationships that captivate audiences due to its universal characteristics. -universal characteristics such as what?
The characters of Hamlet and Claudius are represented throughout the play as having an intense human relationship however with a negative impact on both-how?
I think in the second paragraph, it's neccessary to talk about the great chain of being
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences and become significant to the play as a whole.- I think this needs expanding
The relationships between Claudius and Hamlet, Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz through the key ideas of corruption and madness captivate audiences and provide significant insight into the play as a whole. -To me, this sentence doesn't really make sense
Hopes that helps
Post by: Lauradf36 on September 17, 2016, 04:36:32 pm
Hey !
I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know :) Thanks !!
Here is my attempt at feedback... let me know if it doesn't make sense, haha!
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 17, 2016, 04:53:31 pm
Hey !
I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know :) Thanks !!
Hey there! I am well familiar with this Mod B question, I did a very similar question on "intense human emotions" for my own assignment.
The comments are in the spoiler :)
Spoiler
Ultimately, in this Shakespearian drama, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences.
Explore the significance of one or two intense human relationships, evaluating their significance to the play as a whole.
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representation of intense human relationships that captivates audiences. The relationships between Hamlet and Claudius, Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern become significant to the play as a whole. You might need an Oxford comma in this last sentence here. Just because of the repetition of "and" I am struggling to work out the syntax in the way you intend it. Have a quick google about oxford commas and you should see what I mean :)The significance of these intense human relationships stems from key ideas explored by Shakespeare such as corruption and madness. Hamlet is a play that shows representations of intense human relationships that captivate audiences due to its universal characteristics. Great introduction in terms of ticking the boxes of each sentence having a purpose. I just have one suggestion: For Module B, talking about textual integrity is so important, its in the rubric. So I'd be very interested in writing about the textual integrity of Hamlet as a representation of intense human emotions. Textual integrity is something to add to your list of "module B must haves.".
The characters of Hamlet and Claudius are represented throughout the play as having an intense human relationshiphowever with a negative impact on both. The immense corruption experienced by both of these characters leads to the corruption of the court and the state. In the Elizabethan era, the concept of the ‘body politic’ meant that a monarch’s physical and emotional state was representative of their country. Much like other Shakespearian Play’s Hamlet demonstrates the idea that if the King (Claudius) reigns on false or evil grounds, then the whole kingdom suffers; introducing the theme of corruption into the play from the moment the ghost is seen alerting the audience to the fact that there has been foul play. The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is established in Act 1, scene 2 where both characters are first introduced. The italicised part here is great in terms of clarity of expression. However, it is 140 words without textual analysis. You haven't introduced any unimportant things, it's more about you getting the most value for each sentence. If possible, I'd shuffle this around a bit so that you have a bit of context, a bit of textual analysis. It's more of a weaving process. Don't get me wrong, this stands strong as is, I'm just looking for a way to heighten the sophistication. Claudius references Hamlet’s father Old Hamlet’s death “our dear brother’s death the memory be green”. Through irony and descriptive language, the character of Claudius can be seen as manipulative and confident as he is his brother’s killer. In Claudius’s soliloquy in Act 3, scene 3 he prays for forgiveness for his evil deed. “My crown, mine own ambition, and my queen” he acknowledges that he has the fruits from his act but ironically will not give them up in order to be forgiven and repent. While he prays Hamlet observes contemplating killing him there however, it would ironically send his soul to heaven while his father’s is still suffering in purgatory and never had the chance to pray and repent before his death. The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is further strained as Hamlet believes that Claudius is responsible for corrupting his mother as he admits in his first soliloquy. “’tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed things rank and gross in nature”. This metaphorical image of the world demonstrates Hamlet’s disgust at the corruption of his mother through Claudius. Claudius is the heart of the play’s corruption, having killed the true king and married his wife. Hamlet is constantly returning to images of disease and rot, which frames the plays theme of corruption and moral corruption stemming back to his negative relationship with Claudius. Hamlet is a meditation upon power’s ability to corrupt one’s morals extending to the state of Denmark beginning with Shakespeare’s representation of the characters Claudius and Hamlet’s intense human relationship demonstrating the significance of corruption throughout the play. My only critique for this paragraph is just linking corruption with the intense relationship a bit more. It might need to be traced back to the first two sentences of the paragraph again. Corruption stands far more prominently in this paragraph than the relationship, which is fine, it's just about bringing it together now to respond to the question. Perhaps reorganising your concept statement to involve the two ideas of corruption and relationship as being intertwined might just tighten the connection!
It is one of the great enduring questions in the play Hamlet as to whether Hamlet isjust pretending to be mad or if he does actually descend into real madness during the play. It is through the representation of the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz that we can see the significance of their relationship in relation to madness. Really original! Cool! Claudius calls upon Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as they are good friends of Hamlet and he instructs them to spy on Hamlet and find the reason for his odd behaviour. Hamlet uses the pretence of madness as a defence mechanism, as something to hide behind. Through dramatic irony from Act 1, the audience knows that Hamlet is putting a pretence of madness on however, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are unaware of this. When he insists that Guildenstern play the pipe, his wit is brutal as he taunts his former friend “you would play upon me, you would seem to know my stops…/ S’blood, do you think I am easier to be played upon than a pipe?”. Hamlet has discovered that his friends were sent by the King and Queen and manipulates them. By this point he has Rosencrantz and Guildenstern completely off-balance with his pretence of madness. This last italicised bit is just a little slow to get to the point and be punchy. I don't think you've wasted an entire sentence anywhere, but I think it can be rephrase to kind of condense it all down and leave the rawest, most important parts.During Hamlet’s conversation with Guildenstern and Rosencrantz there is a switch to pose often used to mimic the language of madness; “the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air- look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof…”. Throughout Hamlet’s speech there is juxtaposition of positive and negative imagery as well as tone changes confusing Guildenstern and Rosencrantz into believing that he is mad. Very good! This bit is great!! Also in this speech is Shakespeare’s eloquent expression of Renaissance views of the infinite potential for good of human kind and the world, combined with contemporary beliefs on the nature of melancholy. Significantly, Hamlet says nothing about his reasons for his state of apparent madness, the reasons of which the audience is already aware. He adds a final enigmatic comment, "final enigmatic comment" ... love this!perhaps suggesting that he is not mad at all, and clearly knows the difference between one thing and another, between truth and falsehood “I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw”. Guildenstern describes Hamlet’s behaviour as “with a crafty madness keeps aloof” and he is right, though later Hamlet’s strangeness has him convinced that his madness is real. Through the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz the audience is captivated through Hamlet’s characters use of wit and humour becoming significant to the play as a whole as their interactions further the pretence of madness and contributing to the main plot of the play. You write so eloquently it is immensely hard to critique. However, I will try! With this paragraph, I think it just needs a little more work in terms of responding to the question. So you've talked about how the relationship between characters brings the enigma of madness to the surface, and you've explained how its done. What I'd really love, just to get that "yes! Nailed it!" kind of vibe, is more of an explicit connection between the relationship and madness - is it because the people in the relationship are juxtapositions of each other? Is it because they bring out different personalities in each other? Does madness bind them? I think that madness comes through strong here, as did corruption in the first paragraph, but the relationship element just needs a small push to really tie it together.
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences and become significant to the play as a whole. The relationships between Claudius and Hamlet, Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz through the key ideas of corruption and madness captivate audiences and provide significant insight into the play as a whole. Just to drag out the conclusion a bit more (if you have the word limit to do so) I suggest giving a sentence of summary and expression to each of your body paragraphs, rather than cramming them into the one. This way you show your confidence with the arguments but also provide a really good summary to leave a good taste for the marker.
Explore the significance of one or two intense human relationships, evaluating their significance to the play as a whole.
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representation of intense human relationships that captivates audiences. The relationships between Hamlet and Claudius, Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern become significant to the play as a whole. You might need an Oxford comma in this last sentence here. Just because of the repetition of "and" I am struggling to work out the syntax in the way you intend it. Have a quick google about oxford commas and you should see what I mean :)The significance of these intense human relationships stems from key ideas explored by Shakespeare such as corruption and madness. Hamlet is a play that shows representations of intense human relationships that captivate audiences due to its universal characteristics. Great introduction in terms of ticking the boxes of each sentence having a purpose. I just have one suggestion: For Module B, talking about textual integrity is so important, its in the rubric. So I'd be very interested in writing about the textual integrity of Hamlet as a representation of intense human emotions. Textual integrity is something to add to your list of "module B must haves.".
The characters of Hamlet and Claudius are represented throughout the play as having an intense human relationship
It is one of the great enduring questions in the play Hamlet as to whether Hamlet is
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences and become significant to the play as a whole. The relationships between Claudius and Hamlet, Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz through the key ideas of corruption and madness captivate audiences and provide significant insight into the play as a whole. Just to drag out the conclusion a bit more (if you have the word limit to do so) I suggest giving a sentence of summary and expression to each of your body paragraphs, rather than cramming them into the one. This way you show your confidence with the arguments but also provide a really good summary to leave a good taste for the marker.
You've done a great job here! The best part about this is that all of your textual analysis is judiciously chosen and well supported, you really understand whats happening in the text on a macro and micro level. My critiques come from two places, the concept statements and the question. Concept statement might not be the best word to use here, but I essentially mean your introductory sentence to your body paragraphs. I think that their succinctness can be improved to just be a little more punchy and original. Corruption and madness are two themes that you are keen to apply, and that's great because it's authentic and original. What can be improved is the way it is introduced as being really engaging. For example, when I read the introduction to the madness paragraph, I wasn't clear on exactly how the INTENSE nature of the relationship was going to be exemplified by madness. So at that point, I wasn't given a clear direction, but more of an invitation to look further. Which brings me to the next critique. The question requires you to talk about intense human relationships, and I think the "intense" part has been neglected a little. Each year they throw in little words like intense and each year they are reported in the notes from the marking centre as being overlooked by students. Last year, I had to talk about the provocative portrayal of identity for Mod B, and the notes from the marking centre reported that it was overlooked by so many students - the provocative nature. Grabbing on to those small words and tackling them with confidence can really impact the way that your work is perceived. You'll set yourself a part if you focus on the little details!
Overall, your actually analysis and textual understanding is wonderful, which is great, because at this point in the game it can be very stressful to have to improve that. What is keeping you from the highest marks is your approach and response to the question, and then a connection to the arguments you've prepared.
I suggest going back through and work on weaving in the "intense" nature a bit more, and potentially rephrasing your introductory statements to your body paragraphs. Let me know how you go and please let me know if you have questions!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 17, 2016, 05:01:21 pm
Hey !
I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know :) Thanks !!
Thanks to conic and Laura for the awesome feedback! Giving feedback like this is a great way to improve your own writing skills, and notice ways to develop your own responses for the HSC. Ironically, teaching something is the best way to learn it ;)
To caitie, thanks for posting your essay!! I've put my comments throughout your essay in the spoiler below:
Spoiler
Ultimately, in this Shakespearian drama, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences.
Explore the significance of one or two intense human relationships, evaluating their significance to the play as a whole.
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representation of intense human relationships that captivates audiences. I'd like to see you do something to make this idea your own. This first sentence is good, but it's very much standard, as in, this topic sentence will be written by a solid 15-20% of students who answer the question. Try and dig a little deeper: What are these relationships? Where does the focus lie? What ideas about relationships are presented? The relationships between Hamlet and Claudius, Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern become significant to the play as a whole. The significance of these intense human relationships stems from key ideas explored by Shakespeare such as corruption and madness. As above, some more detail here would be great. Hamlet is a play that shows representations of intense human relationships that captivate audiences due to its universal characteristics. A solid introduction; I'd like a little more focus on the module, that is REPRESENTATION. Remember, your intro should establish the idea of techniques, and how they form a representation of an idea by Shakespeare.
The characters of Hamlet and Claudius are represented throughout the play as having an intense human relationship however with a negative impact on both. This would work well as a second sentence; try to make the first one conceptual. That means, make a general statement of an idea that you want to explore. The immense corruption experienced by both of these characters leads to the corruption of the court and the state. In the Elizabethan era, the concept of the ‘body politic’ meant that a monarch’s physical and emotional state was representative of their country. Much like other Shakespearian Play’s Hamlet demonstrates the idea that if the King (Claudius) reigns on false or evil grounds, then the whole kingdom suffers; introducing the theme of corruption into the play from the moment the ghost is seen alerting the audience to the fact that there has been foul play. Be careful here, you are slipping into textual retell; telling me what happened in the text and then linking to your idea. This definitely isn't enough in this module: The focus MUST be on techniques (symbolism, figurative language, mise en scene, etc. The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is established in Act 1, scene 2 where both characters are first introduced. Retell, this sentence could be removed/blended into subsequent sentences. Claudius references Hamlet’s father Old Hamlet’s death “our dear brother’s death the memory be green”. Through irony and descriptive language, the character of Claudius can be seen as manipulative and confident as he is his brother’s killer. Try to keep your technique and quote in the same sentence; in general it leads to better flow and clarity in your ideas. In Claudius’s soliloquy in Act 3, scene 3 he prays for forgiveness for his evil deed. “My crown, mine own ambition, and my queen” he acknowledges that he has the fruits from his act but ironically will not give them up in order to be forgiven and repent. Retell. While he prays Hamlet observes contemplating killing him there however, it would ironically send his soul to heaven while his father’s is still suffering in purgatory and never had the chance to pray and repent before his death. Retell. To determine whether you are retelling; ask yourself: Would someone who had seen the play need to be told this, or would they know it already? The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is further strained as Hamlet believes that Claudius is responsible for corrupting his mother as he admits in his first soliloquy. “’tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed things rank and gross in nature”. This metaphorical image of the world demonstrates Hamlet’s disgust at the corruption of his mother through Claudius. What does this show us about the nature of relationships? Be sure to continually link back to your main idea! Claudius is the heart of the play’s corruption, having killed the true king and married his wife. Retell. Hamlet is constantly returning to images of disease and rot, which frames the plays theme of corruption and moral corruption stemming back to his negative relationship with Claudius. Nitpick here: NEVER give credit for a technique to a character. It MUST come from the composer. Hamlet, here, is just Shakespeare's puppet to communicate ideas; all credit is with Shakespeare. Hamlet is a meditation upon power’s ability to corrupt one’s morals extending to the state of Denmark beginning with Shakespeare’s representation of the characters Claudius and Hamlet’s intense human relationship demonstrating the significance of corruption throughout the play. Very long winded sentence there; break it up a little. This is a fantastic conclusion thematically, but these themes aren't explored in the paragraph. Be sure to maintain a conceptual focus!
It is one of the great enduring questions in the play Hamlet as to whether Hamlet is just pretending to be mad or if he does actually descend into real madness during the play. Remove that second "during the play," you establish the play already, but cool intro! It is through the representation of the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz that we can see the significance of their relationship in relation to madness. This is a much better introduction; normally conceptual would be the key, but this one is very clever. Claudius calls upon Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as they are good friends of Hamlet and he instructs them to spy on Hamlet and find the reason for his odd behaviour. Retell. Hamlet uses the pretence of madness as a defence mechanism, as something to hide behind. Through dramatic irony from Act 1, the audience knows that Hamlet is putting a pretence of madness on however, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are unaware of this. Be sure not to just identify a technique, tell me what it does. Why did Shakespeare use it? What was he trying to communicate about madness? When he insists that Guildenstern play the pipe, his wit is brutal as he taunts his former friend “you would play upon me, you would seem to know my stops…/ S’blood, do you think I am easier to be played upon than a pipe?”. Retell. Hamlet has discovered that his friends were sent by the King and Queen and manipulates them. Retell. By this point he has Rosencrantz and Guildenstern completely off-balance with his pretence of madness. During Hamlet’s conversation with Guildenstern and Rosencrantz there is a switch to pose often used to mimic the language of madness; “the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air- look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof…”. Retell. Throughout Hamlet’s speech there is juxtaposition of positive and negative imagery as well as tone changes confusing Guildenstern and Rosencrantz into believing that he is mad. Better, but what is the impact on us? WHY did Shakespeare employ these representational devices, what does it achieve? What does it teach us? Also in this speech is Shakespeare’s eloquent expression of Renaissance views of the infinite potential for good of human kind and the world, combined with contemporary beliefs on the nature of melancholy. Give me evidence of this! Significantly, Hamlet says nothing about his reasons for his state of apparent madness, the reasons of which the audience is already aware. Retell. He adds a final enigmatic comment, perhaps suggesting that he is not mad at all, and clearly knows the difference between one thing and another, between truth and falsehood “I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw”. Retell. Guildenstern describes Hamlet’s behaviour as “with a crafty madness keeps aloof” and he is right, though later Hamlet’s strangeness has him convinced that his madness is real. Through the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz the audience is captivated through Hamlet’s characters use of wit and humour becoming significant to the play as a whole as their interactions further the pretence of madness and contributing to the main plot of the play.
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences and become significant to the play as a whole. The relationships between Claudius and Hamlet, Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz through the key ideas of corruption and madness captivate audiences and provide significant insight into the play as a whole. Try to add a little more 'beef' in this conclusion; it should be a solid three-four sentences. Re-state your main Thesis, relink the question and module to your text, summate what you've proved.
Explore the significance of one or two intense human relationships, evaluating their significance to the play as a whole.
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representation of intense human relationships that captivates audiences. I'd like to see you do something to make this idea your own. This first sentence is good, but it's very much standard, as in, this topic sentence will be written by a solid 15-20% of students who answer the question. Try and dig a little deeper: What are these relationships? Where does the focus lie? What ideas about relationships are presented? The relationships between Hamlet and Claudius, Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern become significant to the play as a whole. The significance of these intense human relationships stems from key ideas explored by Shakespeare such as corruption and madness. As above, some more detail here would be great. Hamlet is a play that shows representations of intense human relationships that captivate audiences due to its universal characteristics. A solid introduction; I'd like a little more focus on the module, that is REPRESENTATION. Remember, your intro should establish the idea of techniques, and how they form a representation of an idea by Shakespeare.
The characters of Hamlet and Claudius are represented throughout the play as having an intense human relationship however with a negative impact on both. This would work well as a second sentence; try to make the first one conceptual. That means, make a general statement of an idea that you want to explore. The immense corruption experienced by both of these characters leads to the corruption of the court and the state. In the Elizabethan era, the concept of the ‘body politic’ meant that a monarch’s physical and emotional state was representative of their country. Much like other Shakespearian Play’s Hamlet demonstrates the idea that if the King (Claudius) reigns on false or evil grounds, then the whole kingdom suffers; introducing the theme of corruption into the play from the moment the ghost is seen alerting the audience to the fact that there has been foul play. Be careful here, you are slipping into textual retell; telling me what happened in the text and then linking to your idea. This definitely isn't enough in this module: The focus MUST be on techniques (symbolism, figurative language, mise en scene, etc. The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is established in Act 1, scene 2 where both characters are first introduced. Retell, this sentence could be removed/blended into subsequent sentences. Claudius references Hamlet’s father Old Hamlet’s death “our dear brother’s death the memory be green”. Through irony and descriptive language, the character of Claudius can be seen as manipulative and confident as he is his brother’s killer. Try to keep your technique and quote in the same sentence; in general it leads to better flow and clarity in your ideas. In Claudius’s soliloquy in Act 3, scene 3 he prays for forgiveness for his evil deed. “My crown, mine own ambition, and my queen” he acknowledges that he has the fruits from his act but ironically will not give them up in order to be forgiven and repent. Retell. While he prays Hamlet observes contemplating killing him there however, it would ironically send his soul to heaven while his father’s is still suffering in purgatory and never had the chance to pray and repent before his death. Retell. To determine whether you are retelling; ask yourself: Would someone who had seen the play need to be told this, or would they know it already? The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is further strained as Hamlet believes that Claudius is responsible for corrupting his mother as he admits in his first soliloquy. “’tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed things rank and gross in nature”. This metaphorical image of the world demonstrates Hamlet’s disgust at the corruption of his mother through Claudius. What does this show us about the nature of relationships? Be sure to continually link back to your main idea! Claudius is the heart of the play’s corruption, having killed the true king and married his wife. Retell. Hamlet is constantly returning to images of disease and rot, which frames the plays theme of corruption and moral corruption stemming back to his negative relationship with Claudius. Nitpick here: NEVER give credit for a technique to a character. It MUST come from the composer. Hamlet, here, is just Shakespeare's puppet to communicate ideas; all credit is with Shakespeare. Hamlet is a meditation upon power’s ability to corrupt one’s morals extending to the state of Denmark beginning with Shakespeare’s representation of the characters Claudius and Hamlet’s intense human relationship demonstrating the significance of corruption throughout the play. Very long winded sentence there; break it up a little. This is a fantastic conclusion thematically, but these themes aren't explored in the paragraph. Be sure to maintain a conceptual focus!
It is one of the great enduring questions in the play Hamlet as to whether Hamlet is just pretending to be mad or if he does actually descend into real madness during the play. Remove that second "during the play," you establish the play already, but cool intro! It is through the representation of the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz that we can see the significance of their relationship in relation to madness. This is a much better introduction; normally conceptual would be the key, but this one is very clever. Claudius calls upon Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as they are good friends of Hamlet and he instructs them to spy on Hamlet and find the reason for his odd behaviour. Retell. Hamlet uses the pretence of madness as a defence mechanism, as something to hide behind. Through dramatic irony from Act 1, the audience knows that Hamlet is putting a pretence of madness on however, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are unaware of this. Be sure not to just identify a technique, tell me what it does. Why did Shakespeare use it? What was he trying to communicate about madness? When he insists that Guildenstern play the pipe, his wit is brutal as he taunts his former friend “you would play upon me, you would seem to know my stops…/ S’blood, do you think I am easier to be played upon than a pipe?”. Retell. Hamlet has discovered that his friends were sent by the King and Queen and manipulates them. Retell. By this point he has Rosencrantz and Guildenstern completely off-balance with his pretence of madness. During Hamlet’s conversation with Guildenstern and Rosencrantz there is a switch to pose often used to mimic the language of madness; “the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air- look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof…”. Retell. Throughout Hamlet’s speech there is juxtaposition of positive and negative imagery as well as tone changes confusing Guildenstern and Rosencrantz into believing that he is mad. Better, but what is the impact on us? WHY did Shakespeare employ these representational devices, what does it achieve? What does it teach us? Also in this speech is Shakespeare’s eloquent expression of Renaissance views of the infinite potential for good of human kind and the world, combined with contemporary beliefs on the nature of melancholy. Give me evidence of this! Significantly, Hamlet says nothing about his reasons for his state of apparent madness, the reasons of which the audience is already aware. Retell. He adds a final enigmatic comment, perhaps suggesting that he is not mad at all, and clearly knows the difference between one thing and another, between truth and falsehood “I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw”. Retell. Guildenstern describes Hamlet’s behaviour as “with a crafty madness keeps aloof” and he is right, though later Hamlet’s strangeness has him convinced that his madness is real. Through the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz the audience is captivated through Hamlet’s characters use of wit and humour becoming significant to the play as a whole as their interactions further the pretence of madness and contributing to the main plot of the play.
In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences and become significant to the play as a whole. The relationships between Claudius and Hamlet, Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz through the key ideas of corruption and madness captivate audiences and provide significant insight into the play as a whole. Try to add a little more 'beef' in this conclusion; it should be a solid three-four sentences. Re-state your main Thesis, relink the question and module to your text, summate what you've proved.
Whoops, just realised Elyse has given feedback too, but I'll keep this here for reference. My main comment would be on eliminating retell: You need to develop your analysis to include more techniques, and shift focus away from recounting story elements. An example of what I mean:
Claudius calls upon Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as they are good friends of Hamlet and he instructs them to spy on Hamlet and find the reason for his odd behaviour.
This is retell. Why? Because your marker has seen/read the play, and therefore, knows this already. It's a direct re-statement of plot. These need to be almost entirely removed from your response, and replaced with more analytical approaches. For effective analysis, go to TEA for each of your quotes: Technique, Explain What it Shows About the Concept, Audience, what is the impact on the responder, why did the composer use the technique in the first place?
You got 4 bits of feedback (lucky duck!) from 4 different people, different things will conflict (Elyse and I's feedback doesn't match, for example). This reflects the different approaches to the subject that different people take, and all have merit. Use them all collectively, like you would several textbooks, and let us know if you have any questions! ;D
Post by: Sahar8642 on September 18, 2016, 04:48:47 pm
I am trying to write an integrated essay for Module A. My texts are Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis.
I started but have no idea whether I am going in the right direction or not.
So far I have written a plan to answer the Question:
Evaluate how comparative study of the intertextual perspectives, values and attitudes evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis display the link between despotic power and rebellion.
My Plan:
Para 1: Absolute control eventuating in the suppression of individuals and them living in fear
Para 2: The necessity of rebellion to break free from the destructive cycle of oppression- rebellion that actually occurs in each text
Para 3: The outcome of rebellion in each text- the efficiency of rebellion?
I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on my Intro and Body para 1 and also advice on whether I should add or eliminate anything.
Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control eventuates is integral in ensuring citizens are consumed with the structure of their day to day lives. However, the ability of individuals to revolt against totalitarian regimes arises from their internal frustration and external forces. Fritz Lang’s dystopic film, Metropolis (1927) exposes the methods employed to achieve absolutism in a dictatorial civilisation and the possibility of an uprising and eventual unity between the two classes. A comparative study with a similar prose novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949), by George Orwell manifests a totalitarian civilisation, in which rebellion although present, is portrayed as futile. In both texts, individuals are reduced to mere vessels of obedience by enforcing slavery in various methods. However, each text places different focus on the attitude of citizens towards their low status in society due to the differing aims of each leadership.
Absolute control eventuates in a self-defeated population who have no control over their freedom. This is clearly portrayed in Lang’s Metropolis, through the costuming and Lang’s choreography of the proletariats in the dystopic world of Metropolis. The uniform and robotic-like movement of the workers, who are all dressed in numbered uniforms, alludes to their lack of individuality and reveals their despondent state, as a result of Joh Frederson’s exploitation of authority successfully instilling fear in the workers. Moreover, the lack of identity of the labourers is demonstrated in the larger 10-hour working clock which overshadows the smaller 24-hour clock. This symbolises the strict schedules and systematic oppression the workers endure and the insignificance of their life in comparison to their duties in the workers’ city. This mirrors recurrences during Weimar Germany such as when inflation increased, objections against the 8-hour work day also increased. Hugo Stinnes, declared the necessity to have two hours’ additional work a day if Germany was to recover. Likewise, the suppression of individuals due to the fear of being persecuted is evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four, through the comparison of citizens of Oceania to a bird, “They simply swallowed everything… [they] left no residue behind, just as a grain of corn will pass undigested through the body of a bird,” metaphorically revealing the extent to which the party’s control leads to the populace being incapable of understanding the lies of the government. Everything that is presented to them, despite it being the most blatant violations of reality, is accepted as they are oblivious of what the government’s true intentions. As in Metropolis, Orwell’s novel portrays the extreme regulations in place and emphasises the anxiety and fear endured by those who choose to defy Big Brother. The personification of the Big Brother poster, “It was one of the pictures… [Where]… the eyes follow you about when you move,” reveals how individuals are monitored to ensure that all rebellion is averted. This claustrophobic atmosphere reflects Stalin’s incitement of fear in those opposed to him through public executions and the Moscow “show trials.” Hence, both Lang and Orwell’s compositions reflect their contexts in order to depict the systematic oppression achieved through oligarchic regimes.
Thank You!
Post by: melprocrastinator on September 18, 2016, 07:44:31 pm
Does this sentence make sense, ive read it so many times that i dont even know if it does... i don't know if that happens with other people, but it always happens to me.
Post by: jakesilove on September 18, 2016, 07:47:05 pm
Jane Austen’s epistolary novel, Pride and Prejudice is a manifestation of the values and attitudes of its time.
Does this sentence make sense, ive read it so many times that i dont even know if it does... i don't know if that happens with other people, but it always happens to me.
Definitely makes sense! You may want to add a comma after 'Pride and Prejudice' but the sentence definitely works :)
Post by: melprocrastinator on September 18, 2016, 07:53:50 pm
Definitely makes sense! You may want to add a comma after 'Pride and Prejudice' but the sentence definitely works :)
Great, Thanks Jake. Just checking, because a teacher underlined it in trials and wrote the words "HUH?" next to it, but i had been pretty sure it made sense. (I'll add the comma) :)
Post by: jakesilove on September 18, 2016, 07:58:50 pm
Great, Thanks Jake. Just checking, because a teacher underlined it in trials and wrote the words "HUH?" next to it, but i had been pretty sure it made sense. (I'll add the comma) :)
I think it's a great sentence! As long as you go on to clarify what it actually means (ie. what were the values of the time? Where does that present itself in the novel?) throughout the paragraph/body paragraphs/essay, I think it is a perfect summation :)
Post by: melprocrastinator on September 18, 2016, 08:06:09 pm
I think it's a great sentence! As long as you go on to clarify what it actually means (ie. what were the values of the time? Where does that present itself in the novel?) throughout the paragraph/body paragraphs/essay, I think it is a perfect summation :)
yeah, thats the plan. This was literally the first sentence of my essay and the teacher was confused... maybe because i didnt add the comma :P
Post by: conic curve on September 18, 2016, 10:19:14 pm
Hey,
I am trying to write an integrated essay for Module A. My texts are Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis.
I started but have no idea whether I am going in the right direction or not.
So far I have written a plan to answer the Question:
Evaluate how comparative study of the intertextual perspectives, values and attitudes evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis display the link between despotic power and rebellion.
My Plan:
Para 1: Absolute control eventuating in the suppression of individuals and them living in fear
Para 2: The necessity of rebellion to break free from the destructive cycle of oppression- rebellion that actually occurs in each text
Para 3: The outcome of rebellion in each text- the efficiency of rebellion?
I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on my Intro and Body para 1 and also advice on whether I should add or eliminate anything.
Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control try to explain what sort of power and control eventuates is integral in ensuring citizens are consumed with the structure structure of what of their day to day lives. However, the ability of individuals to revolt against totalitarian regimes arises from their internal frustration and external forces try to be more specific when you mention 'internal frustration and external forces'. Fritz Lang’s dystopic film, Metropolis (1927) exposes the methods employed to achieve absolutism in a dictatorial civilisation try to explain a bit more of this sort of this dictorial civilastion, e.g. dictorial civilisation where ________ and the possibility of an uprising and eventual unity Uprising and eventual unity of what? between the two classes two classes of what? . A comparative study with a similar prose novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949), by George Orwell manifests a totalitarian civilisation, in which rebellion although present, is portrayed as futile why is it portrayed as futile?. In both texts, individuals are reduced to mere vessels of obedience by enforcing slavery in various methods such as?. However, each text places different focus on the attitude of citizens towards their low status in society due to the differing aims of each leadership.try to explain more about their low status in society due to the differing aims of each leadership
Absolute control of what?eventuates in a self-defeated population who have no control over their freedom why don't they have control over their freedom?. This is clearly portrayed in Lang’s Metropolis, through the costuming and Lang’s choreography of the proletariats in the dystopic world of Metropolis. The uniform and robotic-like movement of the workers, who are all dressed in numbered uniforms, alludes to their lack of individuality try to explain more about their lack of individuality, e.g. you could say "alludes to their lack of individuality where _______ and reveals their despondent state despondent state of what?, as a result of Joh Frederson’s exploitation of authority you are too brief when referring to the exploitation of authority successfully instilling fear in the workers try to explain the consequence of this. Moreover, the lack of identity of the labourers is demonstrated in the larger 10-hour working clock which overshadows the smaller 24-hour clock. This symbolises the strict schedules what type of schedules? and systematic oppression of what? the workers endure and the insignificance of their life in comparison to their duties in the workers’ city. This mirrors recurrences during Weimar Germany such as when inflation increased, objections against the 8-hour work day also increased. Hugo Stinnes, declared the necessity to have two hours’ additional work a day if Germany was to recover. Likewise, the suppression of individuals due to the fear of being persecuted is evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four, through the comparison of citizens of Oceania to a bird, “They simply swallowed everything… [they] left no residue behind, just as a grain of corn will pass undigested through the body of a bird,” metaphorically revealing the extent to which the party’s control leads to the populace being incapable of understanding the lies of the government. Everything that is presented to them, despite it being the most blatant violations of reality, is accepted as they are oblivious of what the government’s true intentions try to explain more about the government's true intentions. As in Metropolis, Orwell’s novel portrays the extreme regulations in place such as? and emphasises the anxiety and fear endured by those who choose to defy Big Brother. The personification of the Big Brother poster, “It was one of the pictures… [Where]… the eyes follow you about when you move,” reveals how individuals are monitored to ensure that all rebellion is averted. try to explain the consequence of not following the rules This claustrophobic atmosphere reflects Stalin’s incitement of fear in those opposed to him through public executions try to explain what these public exceutions are about and the Moscow “show trials.” Hence, both Lang and Orwell’s compositions reflect their contexts you're too brief when you refer to contexts. You need to explain what the context was and relate it back to the time frame in order to depict the systematic oppression achieved through oligarchic regimes. oligarchic regimes of what?
Thank You!
Overall I liked this essay and thought this was very good. You however need to expand on some points and be more clearer throughout the essay
Well done :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 19, 2016, 06:09:25 pm
Hey,
I am trying to write an integrated essay for Module A. My texts are Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis.
I started but have no idea whether I am going in the right direction or not.
Hey there! I'll give you some feedback in the spoiler here :)
Spoiler
So far I have written a plan to answer the Question:
Evaluate how comparative study of the intertextual perspectives, values and attitudes evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis display the link between despotic power and rebellion.
My Plan:
Para 1: Absolute control eventuating in the suppression of individuals and them living in fear
Para 2: The necessity of rebellion to break free from the destructive cycle of oppression- rebellion that actually occurs in each text
Para 3: The outcome of rebellion in each text- the efficiency of rebellion? I like this plan. It's like you've set the seen with the effects of power and oppression, then you've explained how this becomes rebellion, and then what rebellion can lead to. Wonderful! As long as you are looking at the appropriate context and values for each, this is a winner.
I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on my Intro and Body para 1 and also advice on whether I should add or eliminate anything.
Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control eventuates is integral in ensuring citizens are consumed with the structure of their day to day lives. Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control eventuates in the victims of the suppression becoming consumed by their daily structure. << I've just fixed up the little grammatical splat with "eventuates is integral in" and have suggested a new ending. Currently, your sentence doesn't make a big person/little person comparison, or a power/victim comparison. By identifying a victim, you do just that. However, the ability of individuals to revolt against totalitarian regimes arises from their internal frustrationand as well as external forces. Fritz Lang’s dystopic film, Metropolis (1927) exposes the methods employed to achieve absolutism in a dictatorial civilisation and the possibility of an uprising and eventual unity between the two classes. A comparative study with a similar prose novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949), by George Orwell manifests a totalitarian civilisation, in which rebellion although present, is portrayed as futile. In both texts, individuals are reduced to mere vessels of obedience by enforcing slavery in various methods. However, each text places different focus on the attitude of citizens towards their low status in society due to the differing aims of each leadership. You've ended this introduction exactly how I hoped you would - by portraying the similarities and then the differences. You've outlined what is yet to come in your essay well, I think!
Absolute control eventuates in a self-defeated population who have no control over their freedom. This is clearly portrayed in Lang’s Metropolis, through the costuming and Lang’s choreography of the proletariats in the dystopic world of Metropolis. The uniform and robotic-like movement of the workers, who are all dressed in numbered uniforms, alludes to their lack of individuality and reveals their despondent state, as a result of Joh Frederson’s exploitation of authority successfully instilling fear in the workers. Moreover, the lack of identity of the labourers is demonstrated in the larger 10-hour working clock which overshadows the smaller 24-hour clock. This symbolises the strict schedules and systematic oppression the workers endure and the insignificance of their life in comparison to their duties in the workers’ city. This mirrors recurrences during Weimar Germany such as when inflation increased, objections against the 8-hour work day also increased. As I've highlighted with the italics, your last two sentences are just extensions of the one original idea, and don't offer anything new. Try to vary your language rather than "this *verb*" just to show your clarify of expression.Hugo Stinnes, declared the necessity to have two hours’ additional work a day if Germany was to recover. Now we are at the end of the Metropolis analysis and there is only a small section of this paragraph dedicated to textual analysis rather than explanation. I'd make it an aim to add an extra textual reference in there, flesh out the attitudes more, take away the obvious explanation of plot (about Germany), and just heighten your analysis that tiny bit more. Make it really neat and tidy. So in the two sentences that I commented on as being extensions of each other, try cut that down or combine the two into one. Likewise, the suppression of individuals due to the fear of being persecuted is evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four, through the comparison of citizens of Oceania to a bird, “They simply swallowed everything… [they] left no residue behind, just as a grain of corn will pass undigested through the body of a bird,” metaphorically revealing the extent to which the party’s control leads to the populace being incapable of understanding the lies of the government. Everything that is presented to them, despite it being the most blatant violations of reality, is accepted as they are oblivious of what the government’s true intentions. As in Metropolis, Orwell’s novel portrays the extreme regulations in place and emphasises the anxiety and fear endured by those who choose to defy Big Brother. The personification of the Big Brother poster,“It was one of the pictures… [Where]… the eyes follow you about when you move,” reveals how individuals are monitored to ensure that all rebellion is averted. This claustrophobic atmosphere reflects Stalin’s incitement of fear in those opposed to him through public executions and the Moscow “show trials.” Hence, both Lang and Orwell’s compositions reflect their contexts in order to depict the systematic oppression achieved through oligarchic regimes. I think your analysis for 1984 is better than your Metropolis analysis. Are you more confident with the 1984 text? Or is it just that you naturally felt like filling in more detail of the plot and context for Metropolis?
Thank You!
Evaluate how comparative study of the intertextual perspectives, values and attitudes evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis display the link between despotic power and rebellion.
My Plan:
Para 1: Absolute control eventuating in the suppression of individuals and them living in fear
Para 2: The necessity of rebellion to break free from the destructive cycle of oppression- rebellion that actually occurs in each text
Para 3: The outcome of rebellion in each text- the efficiency of rebellion? I like this plan. It's like you've set the seen with the effects of power and oppression, then you've explained how this becomes rebellion, and then what rebellion can lead to. Wonderful! As long as you are looking at the appropriate context and values for each, this is a winner.
I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on my Intro and Body para 1 and also advice on whether I should add or eliminate anything.
Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control eventuates is integral in ensuring citizens are consumed with the structure of their day to day lives. Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control eventuates in the victims of the suppression becoming consumed by their daily structure. << I've just fixed up the little grammatical splat with "eventuates is integral in" and have suggested a new ending. Currently, your sentence doesn't make a big person/little person comparison, or a power/victim comparison. By identifying a victim, you do just that. However, the ability of individuals to revolt against totalitarian regimes arises from their internal frustration
Absolute control eventuates in a self-defeated population who have no control over their freedom. This is clearly portrayed in Lang’s Metropolis, through the costuming and Lang’s choreography of the proletariats in the dystopic world of Metropolis. The uniform and robotic-like movement of the workers, who are all dressed in numbered uniforms, alludes to their lack of individuality and reveals their despondent state, as a result of Joh Frederson’s exploitation of authority successfully instilling fear in the workers. Moreover, the lack of identity of the labourers is demonstrated in the larger 10-hour working clock which overshadows the smaller 24-hour clock. This symbolises the strict schedules and systematic oppression the workers endure and the insignificance of their life in comparison to their duties in the workers’ city. This mirrors recurrences during Weimar Germany such as when inflation increased, objections against the 8-hour work day also increased. As I've highlighted with the italics, your last two sentences are just extensions of the one original idea, and don't offer anything new. Try to vary your language rather than "this *verb*" just to show your clarify of expression.Hugo Stinnes, declared the necessity to have two hours’ additional work a day if Germany was to recover. Now we are at the end of the Metropolis analysis and there is only a small section of this paragraph dedicated to textual analysis rather than explanation. I'd make it an aim to add an extra textual reference in there, flesh out the attitudes more, take away the obvious explanation of plot (about Germany), and just heighten your analysis that tiny bit more. Make it really neat and tidy. So in the two sentences that I commented on as being extensions of each other, try cut that down or combine the two into one. Likewise, the suppression of individuals due to the fear of being persecuted is evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four, through the comparison of citizens of Oceania to a bird, “They simply swallowed everything… [they] left no residue behind, just as a grain of corn will pass undigested through the body of a bird,” metaphorically revealing the extent to which the party’s control leads to the populace being incapable of understanding the lies of the government. Everything that is presented to them, despite it being the most blatant violations of reality, is accepted as they are oblivious of what the government’s true intentions. As in Metropolis, Orwell’s novel portrays the extreme regulations in place and emphasises the anxiety and fear endured by those who choose to defy Big Brother. The personification of the Big Brother poster,
Thank You!
So, the bulk of the feedback is throughout. I will make some suggestions outside though. Identify what the values, attitudes and perspectives are in these texts. The essay questions asks it of you, so make sure you give it the due time. Similarly with the idea of "despotic power." You deal with oppression and power, but not explicitly despotic power. So give that a shot too!
In terms of your integration...seamless! You've done an excellent job here, and your ideas are linking perfectly. You're definitely on track there, it's just about connecting to the question a little more now to secure the best marks! You should be really pleased with this, you've got the beginnings of a marvellous essay!
Post by: Sahar8642 on September 19, 2016, 07:10:31 pm
Hey there! I'll give you some feedback in the spoiler here :)SpoilerSo far I have written a plan to answer the Question:
Evaluate how comparative study of the intertextual perspectives, values and attitudes evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis display the link between despotic power and rebellion.
My Plan:
Para 1: Absolute control eventuating in the suppression of individuals and them living in fear
Para 2: The necessity of rebellion to break free from the destructive cycle of oppression- rebellion that actually occurs in each text
Para 3: The outcome of rebellion in each text- the efficiency of rebellion? I like this plan. It's like you've set the seen with the effects of power and oppression, then you've explained how this becomes rebellion, and then what rebellion can lead to. Wonderful! As long as you are looking at the appropriate context and values for each, this is a winner.
I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on my Intro and Body para 1 and also advice on whether I should add or eliminate anything.
Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control eventuates is integral in ensuring citizens are consumed with the structure of their day to day lives. Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control eventuates in the victims of the suppression becoming consumed by their daily structure. << I've just fixed up the little grammatical splat with "eventuates is integral in" and have suggested a new ending. Currently, your sentence doesn't make a big person/little person comparison, or a power/victim comparison. By identifying a victim, you do just that. However, the ability of individuals to revolt against totalitarian regimes arises from their internal frustrationandas well as external forces. Fritz Lang’s dystopic film, Metropolis (1927) exposes the methods employed to achieve absolutism in a dictatorial civilisation and the possibility of an uprising and eventual unity between the two classes.A comparative study witha similar prose novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949), by George Orwell manifests a totalitarian civilisation, in which rebellion although present, is portrayed as futile. In both texts, individuals are reduced to mere vessels of obedience by enforcing slavery in various methods. However, each text places different focus on the attitude of citizens towards their low status in society due to the differing aims of each leadership. You've ended this introduction exactly how I hoped you would - by portraying the similarities and then the differences. You've outlined what is yet to come in your essay well, I think!
Absolute control eventuates in a self-defeated population who have no control over their freedom. This is clearly portrayed in Lang’s Metropolis, through the costuming and Lang’s choreography of the proletariats in the dystopic world of Metropolis. The uniform and robotic-like movement of the workers, who are all dressed in numbered uniforms, alludes to their lack of individuality and reveals their despondent state, as a result of Joh Frederson’s exploitation of authority successfully instilling fear in the workers. Moreover, the lack of identity of the labourers is demonstrated in the larger 10-hour working clock which overshadows the smaller 24-hour clock. This symbolises the strict schedules and systematic oppression the workers endure and the insignificance of their life in comparison to their duties in the workers’ city. This mirrors recurrences during Weimar Germany such as when inflation increased, objections against the 8-hour work day also increased. As I've highlighted with the italics, your last two sentences are just extensions of the one original idea, and don't offer anything new. Try to vary your language rather than "this *verb*" just to show your clarify of expression.Hugo Stinnes, declared the necessity to have two hours’ additional work a day if Germany was to recover. Now we are at the end of the Metropolis analysis and there is only a small section of this paragraph dedicated to textual analysis rather than explanation. I'd make it an aim to add an extra textual reference in there, flesh out the attitudes more, take away the obvious explanation of plot (about Germany), and just heighten your analysis that tiny bit more. Make it really neat and tidy. So in the two sentences that I commented on as being extensions of each other, try cut that down or combine the two into one. Likewise, the suppression of individuals due to the fear of being persecuted is evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four, through the comparison of citizens of Oceania to a bird, “They simply swallowed everything… [they] left no residue behind, just as a grain of corn will pass undigested through the body of a bird,” metaphorically revealing the extent to which the party’s control leads to the populace being incapable of understanding the lies of the government. Everything that is presented to them, despite it being the most blatant violations of reality, is accepted as they are oblivious of what the government’s true intentions. As in Metropolis, Orwell’s novel portrays the extreme regulations in place and emphasises the anxiety and fear endured by those who choose to defy Big Brother. The personification of the Big Brother poster,“It was one of the pictures…[Where]… the eyes follow you about when you move,” reveals how individuals are monitored to ensure that all rebellion is averted. This claustrophobic atmosphere reflects Stalin’s incitement of fear in those opposed to him through public executions and the Moscow “show trials.” Hence, both Lang and Orwell’s compositions reflect their contexts in order to depict the systematic oppression achieved through oligarchic regimes. I think your analysis for 1984 is better than your Metropolis analysis. Are you more confident with the 1984 text? Or is it just that you naturally felt like filling in more detail of the plot and context for Metropolis?
Thank You!
So, the bulk of the feedback is throughout. I will make some suggestions outside though. Identify what the values, attitudes and perspectives are in these texts. The essay questions asks it of you, so make sure you give it the due time. Similarly with the idea of "despotic power." You deal with oppression and power, but not explicitly despotic power. So give that a shot too!
In terms of your integration...seamless! You've done an excellent job here, and your ideas are linking perfectly. You're definitely on track there, it's just about connecting to the question a little more now to secure the best marks! You should be really pleased with this, you've got the beginnings of a marvellous essay!
Thank You for all the feedback! :)
Fixing it up now
I was really worried about the integration as I've never done it before. Feeling much more confident now!
In regards to the analysis:
For Para 2 I was planning to do 2 techniques for metropolis and one for 1984 with in depth analysis
and for Para 3 1 technique for metropolis with in depth analysis and 2 for 1984
So they are balanced out throughout the essay. I would've done 2 for each text in each para but then the essay will become too long.
Is that ok?
Thanks again :)
Post by: Sahar8642 on September 19, 2016, 07:16:37 pm
Overall I liked this essay and thought this was very good. You however need to expand on some points and be more clearer throughout the essay
Well done :)
Thank you! :D
Post by: conic curve on September 19, 2016, 07:37:36 pm
Thank you! :D
NWS
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 19, 2016, 08:06:46 pm
Thank You for all the feedback! :)
Fixing it up now
I was really worried about the integration as I've never done it before. Feeling much more confident now!
In regards to the analysis:
For Para 2 I was planning to do 2 techniques for metropolis and one for 1984 with in depth analysis
and for Para 3 1 technique for metropolis with in depth analysis and 2 for 1984
So they are balanced out throughout the essay. I would've done 2 for each text in each para but then the essay will become too long.
Is that ok?
Thanks again :)
That sounds pretty good to me balance wise!! Perhaps a goal for you over the next month or so might be to trim your essay, really make your expression concise, and get 2 of each in both paragraphs? :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 20, 2016, 12:58:22 pm
Thank You for all the feedback! :)
Fixing it up now
I was really worried about the integration as I've never done it before. Feeling much more confident now!
In regards to the analysis:
For Para 2 I was planning to do 2 techniques for metropolis and one for 1984 with in depth analysis
and for Para 3 1 technique for metropolis with in depth analysis and 2 for 1984
So they are balanced out throughout the essay. I would've done 2 for each text in each para but then the essay will become too long.
Is that ok?
Thanks again :)
That makes more sense!!! I did this almost exact same structure for my Extension 1 essay. That'll work wonderfully I think!
Post by: Sahar8642 on September 20, 2016, 01:50:08 pm
That sounds pretty good to me balance wise!! Perhaps a goal for you over the next month or so might be to trim your essay, really make your expression concise, and get 2 of each in both paragraphs? :)
Yep, for sure going to try to improve the essay.
Thanks!
Post by: wesadora on September 23, 2016, 04:37:57 pm
Spoiler
Question: Explore how the enduring nature of Eliot’s poetry can be attributed to Eliot’s poetic treatment of uncertainty and personal turmoil.
In your response, make detailed reference to at least TWO prescribed poems.
In a time shaped by post-war disillusionment and despondency with modern society, T.S. Eliot’s timeless poetry transcends the boundaries of his own era through the exploration of universal concepts. His poetic representation of a deteriorating modern society and the consequent ontological crisis faced by individuals of his time is represented in his poems ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (henceforth, ‘Love Song’) and ‘Preludes’. These works are injected with poetic expression of pessimistic attitudes, inadequacy of the individual and tedium of everyday life, in which individuals’ uncertainty and a resulting personal turmoil are communicated.
Eliot conveys a pessimistic attitude towards modern society due to its ever-changing nature and it is this reflection on change that has contributed to the enduring value of his works. Written in the form of a dramatic monologue, Prufrock’s stream of fragmented thoughts creates a sense of uncertainty towards the future. The poem opens with a pleasant image of how “the evening is spread across the sky”, strikingly juxtaposed with a cruel image of a “patient etherized”. Eliot’s use of bathos creates a sense of unfulfillment and uncertainty, further developed to be a strong despondency towards post-industrial society. This despondency is evident in his use of colourful sensory imagery, such as “the yellow fog that rubs its back” where yellow stands symbolic for being tainted with sickness and decay. Prufrock’s expression of “combing the white hair of the waves blown back” serves to mirror Prufrock’s old and weary growth, losing hope and confidence in the world through a personification of his decaying environment to be ageing along with him. In Preludes, Eliot critiques the development of urban living to be bleak and sordid. Sensory imagery of the “withered leaves about your feet” is coupled with assonance to create a sense of hollowness. Eliot approaches this wasteland of urban life with a negative attitude and lack of certainty in hope through expressing the “smell of steaks” and “burnt out smoky days”, in which urban deterioration is emphasised through the unpleasant tone and use of sibilance. Society’s failure to fulfil high expectations to thrive in the post-war industrial era has thus led Eliot to poetically express the urban deterioration that has also endured to develop today.
With the rise of psychology as a school of thought in the 20th century, personal turmoils that stem from emotional conflict is a recurring subject in Eliot’s poetry as he notices the internalised struggle of each individual. In Love Song, Prufrock suffers from an inferiority complex. His feelings of self-inadequacy is expressed in the refrain “in the room women come and go / talking about Michelangelo”. This is repeated throughout the poem to reflect the ongoing cyclical nature of his ambitions – where Michelangelo is used symbolically as a figure of great stature and intellect that Prufrock aspires to be in order to be noticed by these “women”. This personal turmoil of recognising his own self-value is magnified with the caesura of “No!” to express his deep sentiment of admitting “I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. Eliot alludes to Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ to juxtapose the Prince’s grand significance with Prufrock’s self-inadequacy, further expressed through metatheatrical language by being a mere “attendant lord” instead. In Preludes, the persona faces the psychological uncertainty of their own identity as Eliot communicates the loss of individuality. The pretence of living luxuriously “with the other masquerades that time resumes” is highlighted against the personification of “time” being in control. The irony of luxury amidst a squalid context portrays the emptiness of modern existence and is continued with the synecdoche of “hands” to depersonalise individuals. A sombre tone and image of “dingy shades” is also coupled with a hyperbolic representation of losing one’s identity and individuality amidst the huge community of “a thousand furnished rooms”. Eliot recognizes the depreciation and uncertainty of individual worth in a modern but decaying society as a universal human experience in the past, as well as in the present.
Eliot chooses to exhibit aspects of life’s seemingly perpetual monotony made clear through the enduring questioning of the value of life through his works. Eliot’s Prufrock is shown to be aware of life’s triviality and exposes life’s cyclical, damaging flaws. He describes the “sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets”, threading together a sense of aimless continuity in the environment around him. The expression of having “measured” his life through “coffee spoons” is used as a metonymy for his inclination to focus on the minutiae of everyday life and represents one of many elements that cause his internal dreariness and uncertainty of life’s meaning. Furthermore, the parallelistic isocolon of “time for you and time for me” amplifies an agitation and pursuit for action in taking refuge in the certainty of time – away from the uncertainty of what the future holds. In Preludes, Eliot continues to critique the same sordid tedium of urban life. Amidst the longing to escape monotony, the persona looks to “some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing”. Here, Eliot’s use of bicolon forms a pleasant image of hope in an effort of finding hope even through experiencing personal turmoil. However, the pleasant sense of hope is quickly subverted with the lifelessness in how “the worlds revolve like ancient women gathering fuel in vacant lots”. The grand image of the revolving earth is juxtaposed with futile actions of women and echoes the narrator’s personal turmoils regarding his ennui towards everyday dealings. Eliot’s consideration upon the uncertainty and failure of finding genuine meaning towards life has contributed to the enduring relevance of his poetry today.
The enduring universal concepts explored in Eliot’s poetry is reflected in his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Preludes through critiquing the bleak deterioration of urban life. The resulting uncertainty and emotional turmoil of individuals in his era are a reflection of human experiences in coping with a dynamically developing world. Thus, questioning the purpose of life through critical and pessimistic lens as well as delving into the psychological struggle of modern life become justifiable and are key attributes in Eliot’s poetry.
In your response, make detailed reference to at least TWO prescribed poems.
In a time shaped by post-war disillusionment and despondency with modern society, T.S. Eliot’s timeless poetry transcends the boundaries of his own era through the exploration of universal concepts. His poetic representation of a deteriorating modern society and the consequent ontological crisis faced by individuals of his time is represented in his poems ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (henceforth, ‘Love Song’) and ‘Preludes’. These works are injected with poetic expression of pessimistic attitudes, inadequacy of the individual and tedium of everyday life, in which individuals’ uncertainty and a resulting personal turmoil are communicated.
Eliot conveys a pessimistic attitude towards modern society due to its ever-changing nature and it is this reflection on change that has contributed to the enduring value of his works. Written in the form of a dramatic monologue, Prufrock’s stream of fragmented thoughts creates a sense of uncertainty towards the future. The poem opens with a pleasant image of how “the evening is spread across the sky”, strikingly juxtaposed with a cruel image of a “patient etherized”. Eliot’s use of bathos creates a sense of unfulfillment and uncertainty, further developed to be a strong despondency towards post-industrial society. This despondency is evident in his use of colourful sensory imagery, such as “the yellow fog that rubs its back” where yellow stands symbolic for being tainted with sickness and decay. Prufrock’s expression of “combing the white hair of the waves blown back” serves to mirror Prufrock’s old and weary growth, losing hope and confidence in the world through a personification of his decaying environment to be ageing along with him. In Preludes, Eliot critiques the development of urban living to be bleak and sordid. Sensory imagery of the “withered leaves about your feet” is coupled with assonance to create a sense of hollowness. Eliot approaches this wasteland of urban life with a negative attitude and lack of certainty in hope through expressing the “smell of steaks” and “burnt out smoky days”, in which urban deterioration is emphasised through the unpleasant tone and use of sibilance. Society’s failure to fulfil high expectations to thrive in the post-war industrial era has thus led Eliot to poetically express the urban deterioration that has also endured to develop today.
With the rise of psychology as a school of thought in the 20th century, personal turmoils that stem from emotional conflict is a recurring subject in Eliot’s poetry as he notices the internalised struggle of each individual. In Love Song, Prufrock suffers from an inferiority complex. His feelings of self-inadequacy is expressed in the refrain “in the room women come and go / talking about Michelangelo”. This is repeated throughout the poem to reflect the ongoing cyclical nature of his ambitions – where Michelangelo is used symbolically as a figure of great stature and intellect that Prufrock aspires to be in order to be noticed by these “women”. This personal turmoil of recognising his own self-value is magnified with the caesura of “No!” to express his deep sentiment of admitting “I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. Eliot alludes to Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ to juxtapose the Prince’s grand significance with Prufrock’s self-inadequacy, further expressed through metatheatrical language by being a mere “attendant lord” instead. In Preludes, the persona faces the psychological uncertainty of their own identity as Eliot communicates the loss of individuality. The pretence of living luxuriously “with the other masquerades that time resumes” is highlighted against the personification of “time” being in control. The irony of luxury amidst a squalid context portrays the emptiness of modern existence and is continued with the synecdoche of “hands” to depersonalise individuals. A sombre tone and image of “dingy shades” is also coupled with a hyperbolic representation of losing one’s identity and individuality amidst the huge community of “a thousand furnished rooms”. Eliot recognizes the depreciation and uncertainty of individual worth in a modern but decaying society as a universal human experience in the past, as well as in the present.
Eliot chooses to exhibit aspects of life’s seemingly perpetual monotony made clear through the enduring questioning of the value of life through his works. Eliot’s Prufrock is shown to be aware of life’s triviality and exposes life’s cyclical, damaging flaws. He describes the “sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets”, threading together a sense of aimless continuity in the environment around him. The expression of having “measured” his life through “coffee spoons” is used as a metonymy for his inclination to focus on the minutiae of everyday life and represents one of many elements that cause his internal dreariness and uncertainty of life’s meaning. Furthermore, the parallelistic isocolon of “time for you and time for me” amplifies an agitation and pursuit for action in taking refuge in the certainty of time – away from the uncertainty of what the future holds. In Preludes, Eliot continues to critique the same sordid tedium of urban life. Amidst the longing to escape monotony, the persona looks to “some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing”. Here, Eliot’s use of bicolon forms a pleasant image of hope in an effort of finding hope even through experiencing personal turmoil. However, the pleasant sense of hope is quickly subverted with the lifelessness in how “the worlds revolve like ancient women gathering fuel in vacant lots”. The grand image of the revolving earth is juxtaposed with futile actions of women and echoes the narrator’s personal turmoils regarding his ennui towards everyday dealings. Eliot’s consideration upon the uncertainty and failure of finding genuine meaning towards life has contributed to the enduring relevance of his poetry today.
The enduring universal concepts explored in Eliot’s poetry is reflected in his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Preludes through critiquing the bleak deterioration of urban life. The resulting uncertainty and emotional turmoil of individuals in his era are a reflection of human experiences in coping with a dynamically developing world. Thus, questioning the purpose of life through critical and pessimistic lens as well as delving into the psychological struggle of modern life become justifiable and are key attributes in Eliot’s poetry.
Thanks!
Post by: lha on September 25, 2016, 04:05:44 pm
Also as it is 1200 words right now, I need to cut atleast 100 words. If you have any ideas of what I can cut that would be great!
Thank you!
Post by: Jakeybaby on September 25, 2016, 09:40:00 pm
Here's my individual study regarding Wilde's Dorian Gray and Stevenson's Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, the question is:
How do the authors Wilde and Stevenson explore the nature of moral corruption?
Spoiler
Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray both explore an inner evil which is inherent to humans. A focus on human morality was a typical theme for the socially aware audiences of Nineteenth Century England, and throughout this time, the intended audience were completely aware of the importance of their image and social status. Both authors challenge their audiences to consider the significance of appearance in their judgments of an individual’s worth and raise questions about whether evil or moral corruption can assume a beguiling appearance. Both Stevenson and Wilde implement structural features and techniques which are pivotal to this exploration. Stevenson’s use of alternate perspectives, epistolary sections and symbolic representations allows the audience to understand and acknowledge that corruption can be hidden in society through the significant discrepancy between Jekyll’s social appearance and his true motives. Contrastingly, Wilde portrays the physical representation of the difference between one’s exterior appearance compared to their interior through his use of minor characters and symbolism.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their differing opinions on the state of the moral corruption through the implementation of minor characters and description of setting. Wilde’s explicit contrast between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton allows the audience to understand the temptation which the inherent evil within us causes. Whereas, Stevenson compares the moral state of humans to the environment in which they live, hence “the provinces of good and ill which divide and compound man’s dual nature” . Dorian is profoundly influenced by Lord Wotton, as he believe that Henry has revealed him to “One of the great secrets of life” , hence both Dorian and Wotton share similar moral perceptions and thoughts regarding scenarios where the personal opinions of individuals are required. Dorian understands that these moral values are “wrong [and] poisoness” ] yet simultaneously describes them as “fascinating [and] delightful” . As Dorian continues to become further influenced by Wotton’s philosophy, it appears and occurs to Henry that there is something “terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence” , however, Dorian is completely oblivious to the fact that Lord Wotton is not living the life that he projects. The feeling of enthrallment which Wilde exhibits through Lord Wotton results in Dorian continuing this abnormal lifestyle as Henry cannot disregard of his desire to be influential in the life of a fellow human. This authoritative personality towards Dorian contributes to his downfall, as Dorian is now obsessed with this presented philosophy and acquired egotistical demeanour. The contrasting characters of Dorian and Wotton highlight Wilde’s view that moral corruption and evil are the product of conscious decisions to fulfil one’s sybaritic desires. Contrastingly, Stevenson’s understanding of moral corruption lies in his belief of an inherent evil which exists at the core of a man’s soul as a unquestionable aspect of duality. This is most clearly expressed in the revelation that Mr. Hyde is in fact Dr. Jekyll, only transformed into a personification of Jekyll's evil characteristics. Stevenson’s use of minor characters enables him to express the common opinion on moral corruption held at the time. The repeated opinion regarding Hyde from Jekyll’s butler, Mr Poole, Mr Enfield and Utterson, who all express an “…unknown disgust, loathing and fear” towards this figure of Mr Hyde, of whom is seen as “…hardly human [and] something troglodytic…” . These observers look upon Jekyll with the “…visible misgiving of the flesh…” , and Jekyll attempts to explain the reason as to why they observe his corrupted nature. He states in this statement of his case that “…because all human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil; and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil” . The opinion of an outsider, Dr Lanyon, who leaves a letter, addressed to Utterson before his death, reveals the moral destruction which he faced when Hyde, produced in him “…some deep-seated terror of the mind” . This epistolary section allows Stevenson to truly reveal the impact that Hyde had on Lanyon’s physical and mental wellbeing, as Lanyon wrote “…my soul sickened… my life is shaken to its roots… I feel that my days are numbered, and that I must die; and yet I must die incredulous” . Wilde’s implementation of minor characters allows him to convey the shared opinion regarding the common perception of their Nineteenth Century audiences, that the moral corruption inherent within humans significantly affects their physicality and social view. In Wilde’s text, this role is played by the minor character, Basil Hallward. Basil is central to the text, due to the fact that Basil represents the voice of society and Wilde’s audience at the time of publication, the views of which he expressed, echoed that of the audience. Basil explains that “…Sin is a thing that writes itself across a man’s face. It cannot be concealed” which is further emphasised later with comment, “it shows itself in the lines of the mouth, the droop of his eyelids, the moulding of his hands even” . Upon hearing the suggested rumours of Dorian’s moral corruption, he was in disbelief, as he was uncertain as to why Dorian’s physical appearance did not reflect his corrupted soul. Throughout both The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Wilde and Stevenson both employed minor characters to convey their shared opinion regarding the physical and mental state of those who encounter the moral corruption and the commonly held societal view of the time.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their personal beliefs that evil is inherent in humanity; however, they accentuate this moral dilapidation in different ways. Stevenson uses alternate perspective to convey Jekyll’s attempts to supress the evil aspect of his nature, expressed through Mr Edward Hyde, whereas Wilde elucidates Dorian’s egotistical narcissism which is apparent due to his exquisite beauty, through the utilisation of symbolism. The portrait of Dorian, which is illustrated by his friend, Basil Hayward, encapsulated Dorian’s “unstained purity of his boyhood” , however, his apparent beauty would evidently become “… a visible symbol of the degradation of sin” . Dorian’s malevolent state of his soul is symbolised through the hideous transformation which the portrait was “…wrinkling” and exhibited “[a] heavy sensual mouth…” . Wilde also uses the “large, purple satin coverlet heavily embroidered with gold” to cover the portrait drawn by Basil, reflecting that the sins he commits will blemish its beauty just as worms blemish the body of a corpse. The cover, which is referred to as a “pall” , acknowledges the fact that this satin coverlet is the boundary between the view of society and Dorian’s moral death and “It was to hide something that had a corruption of its own, worse than the corruption of death itself” . Similarly, Jekyll’s hapless attempt to supress Hyde, results in this evil embodiment becoming festered, developing into an embodiment that is uncontrollable and overpowering, which causes greater damage to his soul and it’s “balancing instincts” . Although Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is primarily narrated from the perspective of Jekyll’s close friend and lawyer, Mr. Gabriel John Utterson, Stevenson utilises the perspective of Jekyll throughout the final chapter, “Henry Jekyll’s Full Statement of the Case” , where the association between Jekyll and Hyde is pronounced and revealed by Jekyll. Through the use of this change of perspective, Stevenson is able to accentuate his worries towards Jekyll’s character flaws, as Jekyll comments on the murder of Sir Danvers Carew by Hyde, “My devil had been long caged, he came out roaring.” Jekyll also explains that “when the attempt is made to cast [evil] off, it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure” Through the use of alternate perspective and symbolism, Stevenson and Wilde are able to convey their similar thoughts regarding the potential for individual attributes and qualities to exaggerate one’s immortality.
When both Wilde and Stevenson’s use of textual references are contrasted against one another, it is evident that both Wilde and Stevenson have alternating views on the nature of moral corruption and the impact on which it has on one’s appearance and the perception that they hold in the public eye. Wilde’s use of contrasting characters, between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton highlights the fact that he believes that evil is apparent due to one’s immoral values whereas Stevenson makes it clear that the evil inherent within each individual is waiting to be released through the same technique. Their mutual concern for the moral corruption which this evil causes and that all humans are cabaple of coming heinous acts is shown through Wilde’s use of the central minor character, Basil Hallward and Stevenson’s application of outsider perspective. Both Stevenson and Wilde convey the similar opinion that the fatal personal characteristics stem from the desire of approval throughout society, however, the both also refute the belief the Victorian belief that moral corruption would be publicly visible through the use of stylistic features.. Through Wilde and Stevenson’s exploration of the inescapable evil inside all, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde both challenge the audience to question this apparent evil, the consequences and its impact on human life.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their differing opinions on the state of the moral corruption through the implementation of minor characters and description of setting. Wilde’s explicit contrast between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton allows the audience to understand the temptation which the inherent evil within us causes. Whereas, Stevenson compares the moral state of humans to the environment in which they live, hence “the provinces of good and ill which divide and compound man’s dual nature” . Dorian is profoundly influenced by Lord Wotton, as he believe that Henry has revealed him to “One of the great secrets of life” , hence both Dorian and Wotton share similar moral perceptions and thoughts regarding scenarios where the personal opinions of individuals are required. Dorian understands that these moral values are “wrong [and] poisoness” ] yet simultaneously describes them as “fascinating [and] delightful” . As Dorian continues to become further influenced by Wotton’s philosophy, it appears and occurs to Henry that there is something “terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence” , however, Dorian is completely oblivious to the fact that Lord Wotton is not living the life that he projects. The feeling of enthrallment which Wilde exhibits through Lord Wotton results in Dorian continuing this abnormal lifestyle as Henry cannot disregard of his desire to be influential in the life of a fellow human. This authoritative personality towards Dorian contributes to his downfall, as Dorian is now obsessed with this presented philosophy and acquired egotistical demeanour. The contrasting characters of Dorian and Wotton highlight Wilde’s view that moral corruption and evil are the product of conscious decisions to fulfil one’s sybaritic desires. Contrastingly, Stevenson’s understanding of moral corruption lies in his belief of an inherent evil which exists at the core of a man’s soul as a unquestionable aspect of duality. This is most clearly expressed in the revelation that Mr. Hyde is in fact Dr. Jekyll, only transformed into a personification of Jekyll's evil characteristics. Stevenson’s use of minor characters enables him to express the common opinion on moral corruption held at the time. The repeated opinion regarding Hyde from Jekyll’s butler, Mr Poole, Mr Enfield and Utterson, who all express an “…unknown disgust, loathing and fear” towards this figure of Mr Hyde, of whom is seen as “…hardly human [and] something troglodytic…” . These observers look upon Jekyll with the “…visible misgiving of the flesh…” , and Jekyll attempts to explain the reason as to why they observe his corrupted nature. He states in this statement of his case that “…because all human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil; and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil” . The opinion of an outsider, Dr Lanyon, who leaves a letter, addressed to Utterson before his death, reveals the moral destruction which he faced when Hyde, produced in him “…some deep-seated terror of the mind” . This epistolary section allows Stevenson to truly reveal the impact that Hyde had on Lanyon’s physical and mental wellbeing, as Lanyon wrote “…my soul sickened… my life is shaken to its roots… I feel that my days are numbered, and that I must die; and yet I must die incredulous” . Wilde’s implementation of minor characters allows him to convey the shared opinion regarding the common perception of their Nineteenth Century audiences, that the moral corruption inherent within humans significantly affects their physicality and social view. In Wilde’s text, this role is played by the minor character, Basil Hallward. Basil is central to the text, due to the fact that Basil represents the voice of society and Wilde’s audience at the time of publication, the views of which he expressed, echoed that of the audience. Basil explains that “…Sin is a thing that writes itself across a man’s face. It cannot be concealed” which is further emphasised later with comment, “it shows itself in the lines of the mouth, the droop of his eyelids, the moulding of his hands even” . Upon hearing the suggested rumours of Dorian’s moral corruption, he was in disbelief, as he was uncertain as to why Dorian’s physical appearance did not reflect his corrupted soul. Throughout both The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Wilde and Stevenson both employed minor characters to convey their shared opinion regarding the physical and mental state of those who encounter the moral corruption and the commonly held societal view of the time.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their personal beliefs that evil is inherent in humanity; however, they accentuate this moral dilapidation in different ways. Stevenson uses alternate perspective to convey Jekyll’s attempts to supress the evil aspect of his nature, expressed through Mr Edward Hyde, whereas Wilde elucidates Dorian’s egotistical narcissism which is apparent due to his exquisite beauty, through the utilisation of symbolism. The portrait of Dorian, which is illustrated by his friend, Basil Hayward, encapsulated Dorian’s “unstained purity of his boyhood” , however, his apparent beauty would evidently become “… a visible symbol of the degradation of sin” . Dorian’s malevolent state of his soul is symbolised through the hideous transformation which the portrait was “…wrinkling” and exhibited “[a] heavy sensual mouth…” . Wilde also uses the “large, purple satin coverlet heavily embroidered with gold” to cover the portrait drawn by Basil, reflecting that the sins he commits will blemish its beauty just as worms blemish the body of a corpse. The cover, which is referred to as a “pall” , acknowledges the fact that this satin coverlet is the boundary between the view of society and Dorian’s moral death and “It was to hide something that had a corruption of its own, worse than the corruption of death itself” . Similarly, Jekyll’s hapless attempt to supress Hyde, results in this evil embodiment becoming festered, developing into an embodiment that is uncontrollable and overpowering, which causes greater damage to his soul and it’s “balancing instincts” . Although Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is primarily narrated from the perspective of Jekyll’s close friend and lawyer, Mr. Gabriel John Utterson, Stevenson utilises the perspective of Jekyll throughout the final chapter, “Henry Jekyll’s Full Statement of the Case” , where the association between Jekyll and Hyde is pronounced and revealed by Jekyll. Through the use of this change of perspective, Stevenson is able to accentuate his worries towards Jekyll’s character flaws, as Jekyll comments on the murder of Sir Danvers Carew by Hyde, “My devil had been long caged, he came out roaring.” Jekyll also explains that “when the attempt is made to cast [evil] off, it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure” Through the use of alternate perspective and symbolism, Stevenson and Wilde are able to convey their similar thoughts regarding the potential for individual attributes and qualities to exaggerate one’s immortality.
When both Wilde and Stevenson’s use of textual references are contrasted against one another, it is evident that both Wilde and Stevenson have alternating views on the nature of moral corruption and the impact on which it has on one’s appearance and the perception that they hold in the public eye. Wilde’s use of contrasting characters, between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton highlights the fact that he believes that evil is apparent due to one’s immoral values whereas Stevenson makes it clear that the evil inherent within each individual is waiting to be released through the same technique. Their mutual concern for the moral corruption which this evil causes and that all humans are cabaple of coming heinous acts is shown through Wilde’s use of the central minor character, Basil Hallward and Stevenson’s application of outsider perspective. Both Stevenson and Wilde convey the similar opinion that the fatal personal characteristics stem from the desire of approval throughout society, however, the both also refute the belief the Victorian belief that moral corruption would be publicly visible through the use of stylistic features.. Through Wilde and Stevenson’s exploration of the inescapable evil inside all, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde both challenge the audience to question this apparent evil, the consequences and its impact on human life.
Thankyou!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 25, 2016, 10:40:03 pm
Post by: BPunjabi on September 26, 2016, 01:51:52 pm
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyses tips from the lecture.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spoiler
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found.
‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities.
Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.
Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives.
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found.
‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities.
Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.
Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 26, 2016, 04:11:41 pm
Just wanted to say... Wow you guys are awesome. Went to your lecture yesterday to see Adv. English and Ancient and it was epic. You guys really know your stuff. Elyse cheers, learnt so much which my teacher hasn't taught us.
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyses tips from the lecture.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------SpoilerThe process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found.
‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities.
Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.
Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler ;D
Hey hey!! Awesome to hear that you enjoyed the lectures, I'll make sure Elyse sees this, are you coming to any of the HSC Revision lectures next weekend? ;D
As I mentioned in the AoS Thread, you do need 15 posts per essay to get feedback. This is just to ensure that the markers don't get swamped, otherwise we'd be giving one line feedback (which isn't helpful to anyone) ;)
Hang around the site a bit, I bet you'll get 15 in no time! You'll also just have to let us know which of the two essays you've posted you want us to start with ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 27, 2016, 10:21:44 am
Here is my Module B essay - T.S. Eliot poetry.
Hey wesadora! Sorry for the delay in getting this back to you, feedback is throughout in bold! ;D
Spoiler
Question: Explore how the enduring nature of Eliot’s poetry can be attributed to Eliot’s poetic treatment of uncertainty and personal turmoil.
In your response, make detailed reference to at least TWO prescribed poems.
In a time shaped by post-war disillusionment and despondency with modern society, T.S. Eliot’s timeless poetry transcends the boundaries of his own era through the exploration of universal concepts. What are these concepts? You need to link to the questions specified themes a little more explicitly here. His poetic representation of a deteriorating modern society and the consequent ontological crisis faced by individuals of his time is represented in his poems ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (henceforth, ‘Love Song’) and ‘Preludes’. Good. These works are injected with poetic expression of pessimistic attitudes, inadequacy of the individual and tedium of everyday life, in which individuals’ uncertainty and a resulting personal turmoil are communicated. This introduction feels a little bare; I'd like some more exploration of the themes, and a more explicit link to the audience (enduring value = audience impact beyond context).
Eliot conveys a pessimistic attitude towards modern society due to its ever-changing nature and it is this reflection on change that has contributed to the enduring value of his works. This concept, perhaps stemming from lack of detail in the Thesis, seems a little vague. Written in the form of a dramatic monologue, Prufrock’s stream of fragmented thoughts creates a sense of uncertainty towards the future. The poem opens with a pleasant image of how “the evening is spread across the sky”, strikingly juxtaposed with a cruel image of a “patient etherized”. Eliot’s use of bathos creates a sense of unfulfillment and uncertainty, further developed to be a strong despondency towards post-industrial society. What is the effect on the audience, what new insight does the responder gain? In an essay on enduring value you need to explicitly reference WHY/HOW it is enduring by referencing the audience impact. This despondency is evident in his use of colourful sensory imagery, such as “the yellow fog that rubs its back” where yellow stands symbolic for being tainted with sickness and decay. Prufrock’s expression of “combing the white hair of the waves blown back” serves to mirror Prufrock’s old and weary growth, losing hope and confidence in the world through a personification of his decaying environment to be ageing along with him. Be careful that your conceptual statements stand separate from the text; meaning it should be more like, "This is the idea, this is where it is seen in the text," not, "This is the idea in the text." Subtle, but important. In Preludes, Eliot critiques the development of urban living to be bleak and sordid. Sensory imagery of the “withered leaves about your feet” is coupled with assonance to create a sense of hollowness. Perfect chance to link to audiences in the modern, urban world. Eliot approaches this wasteland of urban life with a negative attitude and lack of certainty in hope through expressing the “smell of steaks” and “burnt out smoky days”, in which urban deterioration is emphasised through the unpleasant tone and use of sibilance. Society’s failure to fulfil high expectations to thrive in the post-war industrial era has thus led Eliot to poetically express the urban deterioration that has also endured to develop today. Solid analysis in this paragraph! Excellent techniques and textual references. However, I'm not quite getting the "enduring value" part of this response, this will require stronger integration/consideration of your audiences and the impact on the audience!
With the rise of psychology as a school of thought in the 20th century, personal turmoils that stem from emotional conflict is a recurring subject in Eliot’s poetry as he notices the internalised struggle of each individual. What does he wish to say about this in particular? In Love Song, Prufrock suffers from an inferiority complex. Retell. His feelings of self-inadequacy is expressed in the refrain “in the room women come and go / talking about Michelangelo”. This is repeated throughout the poem to reflect the ongoing cyclical nature of his ambitions – where Michelangelo is used symbolically as a figure of great stature and intellect that Prufrock aspires to be in order to be noticed by these “women”. This was shifted towards retell; adding the specific technique of 'repetition' and changing your approach slightly could ix you. This personal turmoil of recognising his own self-value is magnified with the caesura of “No!” to express his deep sentiment of admitting “I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. What does this do for the audience? What is the purpose? How does it make the text enduring? Eliot alludes to Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ to juxtapose the Prince’s grand significance with Prufrock’s self-inadequacy, further expressed through metatheatrical language by being a mere “attendant lord” instead. Thus achieving? In Preludes, the persona faces the psychological uncertainty of their own identity as Eliot communicates the loss of individuality. The pretence of living luxuriously “with the other masquerades that time resumes” is highlighted against the personification of “time” being in control. Really love how you are integrating your quotes into your writing, very sophisticated. The irony of luxury amidst a squalid context portrays the emptiness of modern existence and is continued with the synecdoche of “hands” to depersonalise individuals. A sombre tone and image of “dingy shades” is also coupled with a hyperbolic representation of losing one’s identity and individuality amidst the huge community of “a thousand furnished rooms”. Eliot recognizes the depreciation and uncertainty of individual worth in a modern but decaying society as a universal human experience in the past, as well as in the present. Another solid paragraph with good techniques, but you are falling into the pattern of this is the technique and this is the quote; you aren't doing enough with each of them. The word 'enduring' does not appear in this paragraph; that should be an indicator that it fails to answer the question appropriately.
Eliot chooses to exhibit aspects of life’s seemingly perpetual monotony made clear through the enduring questioning of the value of life through his works. Eliot’s Prufrock is shown to be aware of life’s triviality and exposes life’s cyclical, damaging flaws. Slightly retell. He describes the “sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets”, threading together a sense of aimless continuity in the environment around him. Technique? The expression of having “measured” his life through “coffee spoons” is used as a metonymy for his inclination to focus on the minutiae of everyday life and represents one of many elements that cause his internal dreariness and uncertainty of life’s meaning. Good conceptual explanation, but again, what is the impact? What do we learn? Furthermore, the parallelistic isocolon of “time for you and time for me” amplifies an agitation and pursuit for action in taking refuge in the certainty of time – away from the uncertainty of what the future holds. Excellent variety of techniques to, at this point in the essay I go "Yep, they know their text and have critiqued its construction very well. In Preludes, Eliot continues to critique the same sordid tedium of urban life. Amidst the longing to escape monotony, the persona looks to “some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing”. Here, Eliot’s use of bicolon forms a pleasant image of hope in an effort of finding hope even through experiencing personal turmoil. Your expression may be improved by ensuring that the technique and quote are always in the same sentence. However, the pleasant sense of hope is quickly subverted with the lifelessness in how “the worlds revolve like ancient women gathering fuel in vacant lots”. The grand image of the revolving earth is juxtaposed with futile actions of women and echoes the narrator’s personal turmoils regarding his ennui towards everyday dealings. Eliot’s consideration upon the uncertainty and failure of finding genuine meaning towards life has contributed to the enduring relevance of his poetry today. I like your concluding statements, they work well with the question, but they aren't re-enforced in your response.
The enduring universal concepts explored in Eliot’s poetry is reflected in his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Preludes through critiquing the bleak deterioration of urban life. The resulting uncertainty and emotional turmoil of individuals in his era are a reflection of human experiences in coping with a dynamically developing world. Thus, questioning the purpose of life through critical and pessimistic lens as well as delving into the psychological struggle of modern life become justifiable and are key attributes in Eliot’s poetry.
In your response, make detailed reference to at least TWO prescribed poems.
In a time shaped by post-war disillusionment and despondency with modern society, T.S. Eliot’s timeless poetry transcends the boundaries of his own era through the exploration of universal concepts. What are these concepts? You need to link to the questions specified themes a little more explicitly here. His poetic representation of a deteriorating modern society and the consequent ontological crisis faced by individuals of his time is represented in his poems ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (henceforth, ‘Love Song’) and ‘Preludes’. Good. These works are injected with poetic expression of pessimistic attitudes, inadequacy of the individual and tedium of everyday life, in which individuals’ uncertainty and a resulting personal turmoil are communicated. This introduction feels a little bare; I'd like some more exploration of the themes, and a more explicit link to the audience (enduring value = audience impact beyond context).
Eliot conveys a pessimistic attitude towards modern society due to its ever-changing nature and it is this reflection on change that has contributed to the enduring value of his works. This concept, perhaps stemming from lack of detail in the Thesis, seems a little vague. Written in the form of a dramatic monologue, Prufrock’s stream of fragmented thoughts creates a sense of uncertainty towards the future. The poem opens with a pleasant image of how “the evening is spread across the sky”, strikingly juxtaposed with a cruel image of a “patient etherized”. Eliot’s use of bathos creates a sense of unfulfillment and uncertainty, further developed to be a strong despondency towards post-industrial society. What is the effect on the audience, what new insight does the responder gain? In an essay on enduring value you need to explicitly reference WHY/HOW it is enduring by referencing the audience impact. This despondency is evident in his use of colourful sensory imagery, such as “the yellow fog that rubs its back” where yellow stands symbolic for being tainted with sickness and decay. Prufrock’s expression of “combing the white hair of the waves blown back” serves to mirror Prufrock’s old and weary growth, losing hope and confidence in the world through a personification of his decaying environment to be ageing along with him. Be careful that your conceptual statements stand separate from the text; meaning it should be more like, "This is the idea, this is where it is seen in the text," not, "This is the idea in the text." Subtle, but important. In Preludes, Eliot critiques the development of urban living to be bleak and sordid. Sensory imagery of the “withered leaves about your feet” is coupled with assonance to create a sense of hollowness. Perfect chance to link to audiences in the modern, urban world. Eliot approaches this wasteland of urban life with a negative attitude and lack of certainty in hope through expressing the “smell of steaks” and “burnt out smoky days”, in which urban deterioration is emphasised through the unpleasant tone and use of sibilance. Society’s failure to fulfil high expectations to thrive in the post-war industrial era has thus led Eliot to poetically express the urban deterioration that has also endured to develop today. Solid analysis in this paragraph! Excellent techniques and textual references. However, I'm not quite getting the "enduring value" part of this response, this will require stronger integration/consideration of your audiences and the impact on the audience!
With the rise of psychology as a school of thought in the 20th century, personal turmoils that stem from emotional conflict is a recurring subject in Eliot’s poetry as he notices the internalised struggle of each individual. What does he wish to say about this in particular? In Love Song, Prufrock suffers from an inferiority complex. Retell. His feelings of self-inadequacy is expressed in the refrain “in the room women come and go / talking about Michelangelo”. This is repeated throughout the poem to reflect the ongoing cyclical nature of his ambitions – where Michelangelo is used symbolically as a figure of great stature and intellect that Prufrock aspires to be in order to be noticed by these “women”. This was shifted towards retell; adding the specific technique of 'repetition' and changing your approach slightly could ix you. This personal turmoil of recognising his own self-value is magnified with the caesura of “No!” to express his deep sentiment of admitting “I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. What does this do for the audience? What is the purpose? How does it make the text enduring? Eliot alludes to Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ to juxtapose the Prince’s grand significance with Prufrock’s self-inadequacy, further expressed through metatheatrical language by being a mere “attendant lord” instead. Thus achieving? In Preludes, the persona faces the psychological uncertainty of their own identity as Eliot communicates the loss of individuality. The pretence of living luxuriously “with the other masquerades that time resumes” is highlighted against the personification of “time” being in control. Really love how you are integrating your quotes into your writing, very sophisticated. The irony of luxury amidst a squalid context portrays the emptiness of modern existence and is continued with the synecdoche of “hands” to depersonalise individuals. A sombre tone and image of “dingy shades” is also coupled with a hyperbolic representation of losing one’s identity and individuality amidst the huge community of “a thousand furnished rooms”. Eliot recognizes the depreciation and uncertainty of individual worth in a modern but decaying society as a universal human experience in the past, as well as in the present. Another solid paragraph with good techniques, but you are falling into the pattern of this is the technique and this is the quote; you aren't doing enough with each of them. The word 'enduring' does not appear in this paragraph; that should be an indicator that it fails to answer the question appropriately.
Eliot chooses to exhibit aspects of life’s seemingly perpetual monotony made clear through the enduring questioning of the value of life through his works. Eliot’s Prufrock is shown to be aware of life’s triviality and exposes life’s cyclical, damaging flaws. Slightly retell. He describes the “sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets”, threading together a sense of aimless continuity in the environment around him. Technique? The expression of having “measured” his life through “coffee spoons” is used as a metonymy for his inclination to focus on the minutiae of everyday life and represents one of many elements that cause his internal dreariness and uncertainty of life’s meaning. Good conceptual explanation, but again, what is the impact? What do we learn? Furthermore, the parallelistic isocolon of “time for you and time for me” amplifies an agitation and pursuit for action in taking refuge in the certainty of time – away from the uncertainty of what the future holds. Excellent variety of techniques to, at this point in the essay I go "Yep, they know their text and have critiqued its construction very well. In Preludes, Eliot continues to critique the same sordid tedium of urban life. Amidst the longing to escape monotony, the persona looks to “some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing”. Here, Eliot’s use of bicolon forms a pleasant image of hope in an effort of finding hope even through experiencing personal turmoil. Your expression may be improved by ensuring that the technique and quote are always in the same sentence. However, the pleasant sense of hope is quickly subverted with the lifelessness in how “the worlds revolve like ancient women gathering fuel in vacant lots”. The grand image of the revolving earth is juxtaposed with futile actions of women and echoes the narrator’s personal turmoils regarding his ennui towards everyday dealings. Eliot’s consideration upon the uncertainty and failure of finding genuine meaning towards life has contributed to the enduring relevance of his poetry today. I like your concluding statements, they work well with the question, but they aren't re-enforced in your response.
The enduring universal concepts explored in Eliot’s poetry is reflected in his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Preludes through critiquing the bleak deterioration of urban life. The resulting uncertainty and emotional turmoil of individuals in his era are a reflection of human experiences in coping with a dynamically developing world. Thus, questioning the purpose of life through critical and pessimistic lens as well as delving into the psychological struggle of modern life become justifiable and are key attributes in Eliot’s poetry.
This is a really impressive essay for many reasons wesadora! A variety of well chosen quotes and techniques, you've considered the construction of your texts very carefully. Good conceptual explanations throughout (though I'd like some more detail in the Thesis to set me up a little better) and a good analytical style. Excellent work there!!
The small comments throughout might be of worth; some places where expression could be improved or retell removed. The big piece of feedback though is that you aren't answering the question.
This question demands that you explore the impact on modern audiences as a testament to the enduring value of the work. For it to be enduring, you need to impact universal responders. Right now, you aren't exploring what the composer has done to achieve this universality, because you aren't referencing the audience. You need to be thinking:
- What is the audience response (if this is an enduring text, the response is there, the themes are still important)
- What technique did the composer use to achieve this
- Why does it still work (WHY is the text enduring?)
And putting those frames of thinking into your analysis ;D you've hit the personal turmoil and uncertainty bit, now you need to hit the "enduring value" bit :) good work!!
Post by: wesadora on September 27, 2016, 05:14:20 pm
Thanks so much!!
Post by: brontem on September 28, 2016, 08:48:18 am
I haven't looked at it for a while, so any feedback is appreciated :)
Thanks ;D ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 09:54:34 am
Hey so my teachers are scolding me because they dont think this essay is a top mark essay because of one of the ideas which is "identity is irrelevant after death". They think that it is stupid to talk about due to it being such an obvious thing. I dont think they are correct. I think that if I adapt the essay to the question, i will do fine but I need another opinion. Could you please mark my essay and let me know if it is in the band 5 or 6 range? Or if it belongs in band 4 or less.
Also as it is 1200 words right now, I need to cut atleast 100 words. If you have any ideas of what I can cut that would be great!
Thank you!
Hi there! That idea about identity and death is very original! I'm keen to see how it works in the essay :)
In the spoiler below! :)
Spoiler
Shakespeare’s Hamlet is a proclamation of his own existential uncertainty; an expression of the fragility of an indecisive identity in the face of turmoil and abrupt change. Seriously impressed by this one!! What a solid, expressive opening!The play’s assertion of this indecision as the most dangerous type of identity is reinforced through the inevitable deaths it leads to; Shakespeare's conclusion being that, ironically, in death, identity is irrelevant. Just not 100% sure what you mean by "in death" - do you mean, after death? or, when discussing death? or, in experiencing the death of others one's own identity becomes irrelevant? I'm only hoping you can be more specific with this one because so far, this is one of the most outstanding thesis statements I have seen. So, you just want to make 100% sure by being super explicit.This pragmatic depiction of the indecisiveness of an individual through Shakespeare’s characters is the ultimate encapsulation of Shakespeare’s own uncertainty; itself the reason for Hamlet’s popularity amongst readers of universal societal contexts whilst raising opinions of critics like Maynard Mack who argue that humans perpetually remain in an “aspect of bafflement moving on a rampart between two worlds”. Really good! I enjoyed this a lot.
Shakespeare’s intention was not all pessimistic however; a false assumption being that he is asserting this dangerous indecisiveness as an inevitable characteristic within humanity. His own reaction to what he saw as a limited and archaic formulation of the ideal identity by his Elizabethan society for example was anything but indecisive; his personal approach of determined subversion and individuality being reflected through variousexamples moments/scenarios/scenes in the play. Shakespeare embodies his disagreement with his society’s popular view on identity initially through his critique of the Great Chain of Being. His creation of a parody of the Chain demonstrating its detrimental effect through the analogy that Gertrude is “a beast that wants discourse of reason”. Furthermore, his utilization Your computer might be sent to English (America), just make sure it's set to Australian English :) The correct spelling is utilisation. of the figurative language in Hamlet’s fourth soliloquy establishes Shakespeare’s dumbfounded view of the bizarre interpretations of identity made by his society, where he complies with the “rules” of the Chain by identifying a man as “a beast no more” if he is “but to sleep and feed”. Moreover, Shakespeare has connected Hamlet’s characterisation as an indecisive man in the Renaissance context to his identification as a Christian. His use of a pseudo-religious allusion as he is “prompted to revenge by heaven and hell” emphasizes emphasises the crucial role of identity in deciding whether or not to act, especially in the subtext of revengeful death, raising existential questions about our own personal identity in the face of turmoil and change in our own lives. I'm inclined to split this last sentence in half a bit. The reason being, you've got super good analysis at the start, and it is quite a long sentence. So it begins to just all flow together rather than stand as the important piece of information that it is. Otherwise, an amazing paragraph!
The discussion of identity as a motivator for action as well as a simultaneous justification for indecision is expanded further throughout the turmoil in the play. Shakespeare’s clear depiction of the important role of identity in dispelling indecision has prompted critics such as Goethe to agree with him, stating that “Hamlet is a man unfit for the task of revenge due to his identification”. In addition, Shakespeare characterises Hamlet as an indecisive “coward” who laments that “the time is out of joint. O cursed spite, that I ever was born to set it right”, You do a really great job of embedding quotes perfectly. mirroring the contextual norm Shakespeare identified; itself a deconstruction of the complexity of human nature which he believed his society was oblivious to. Ok, long sentence! Slice it up to make it more readable. Everything you've said is great, it's just got to be accessible now. Hamlet’s eventual decision to finally take action in Act 5, Scene 2 is thus a stark moment of progression in the play, represented by a change from first person to third within his dialogue. The previous repetition of “I” is intentionally subverted by Shakespeare to reinforce this critique of his society’s view of a universal and limited identity. He explains that for a man living in the Elizabethan context to partake in such transgressive activity, murder, one must be selfish and abandon their identity in order to complete the action, before “conscience [may] make cowards of us all”. Thus, Shakespeare has effectively asserted the relevance of identity as the reason for our decisions; simultaneously asserting humanity's fragile reversion to indecision in times of turmoil and change. Good one! I'm going to comment on how this paragraph works with the first paragraph at the end. So read on, then flick to the end :)
Shakespeare’s continued analysis of existentialism is framed primarily through the fundamental motif of death in the text; his thesis being that his societies’ focus on social identity is a fallacy due to the lack of any identity in the afterlife. This lack of identity leads to Shakespeare’s primary assertion that death is the ultimate equaliser. The fatalism Shakespeare has portrayed within “Hamlet” is therefore essential in comprehending the complexities relating to taking action and inaction. Shakespeare characterises the main protagonist to be obsessed with death, allowing him to ponder its spiritual consequences, symbolised primarily through the ghost of Hamlet’s father. The didactic worm’s meat motif dictated in Hamlet’s dialogue regarding the dead Polonius’ presence at supper, “worms are e’en at him”, effectively describes the end result of all bodies, regardless of status. This is further reinforced in the repetition of “we” and the subsequent objectification symbolisation of humans as “dishes” in Hamlet’s metaphorical dialogue; “we fat all creatures… two dishes…”, as the great chain of being is eradicated. I love that you've piggybacked literary devices and analysis here! Dwery’s reading of the play supports the irrelevancy of identity after death through his proclamation that “Hamlet recognises the inevitability of death, accepting his father’s death”, while Shakespeare has further stressed this point in Act 1 Scene 2 through Gertrude’s dialogue in which she foreshadows that “thou know ‘tis common, all that lives must die”. In conjunction, yorick’s skull symbolises the contemplation of death that even the greatest of humans are subjected to, the quote, “what is ‘t to leave betimes? Let be” symbolising the irrelevance of identity in the inevitable and universal state of death. Indeed, this existential focus on death was one intended to subvert Shakespeare's own Elizabethan societies’ unnecessary obsession with identity; its irrelevance after death being the source of this motivation.
Although Shakespeare detests his societies’ strict view of identity, his more specific criticism of humanity generally is that indecisive identities as a case study often occur due to a legitimate lack of a just reason for action in the first place. Perhaps Shakespeare’s intent for the concluding moral of the play about action is that conclusively, it should be advised by a sense of legitimate reasoning. Freud’s acknowledgment of this reality that “the play is built up on Hamlet’s hesitations, but its text offers no reasons for these hesitations”, indicates the success of Shakespeare’s portrayal of the lack of a noble justification behind individual actions, leading to their indecisiveness. Furthermore, Shakespeare’s symbolic representation of murder describes the action through a metaphor as “hire and salary”, and thus, it is this lack of justification behind the senseless action that restricts Hamlet, and results in his inaction. Shakespeare’s demonstration of deficient motives resulting in the difficulty of deciding whether to take action or not, is supported through the indecisiveness in the soliloquy in Act 3 Scene 1, in which he rhetorically states, “to be or not to be, that is the question”. If you're looking for another technique to strengthen this - "to be or not to be" is an example of diacope repetition. Through Shakespeare’s depiction of Hamlet’s complex character, he has therefore successfully asserted his belief in the need for justification in order to not be confronted with the uncertainty of one’s actions and the resultant indecisive reflection of their identity and overall existence.
In summation, I think your sentence stands just as well without "In summation" at the beginning.the continual tension between action and inaction as a result of the complexities of identification and the sensitive issue of death and it’s connections with revenge, has been successfully asserted by Shakespeare throughout his dramatic play, “Hamlet”. Although, this is an exceptionally long sentence for a "summary." Aim to have at least 3, perhaps 4, sentences in your conclusion. So even though yours is similar in length to what that would be, it isn't similar in style. You've got a lot of ideas in a small space. Just flesh them out, in the conclusion give them the time they need. My interpretation accentuates an individual’s oscillation between taking and resisting action due to the lack of justification, the supplementary role that identity and inevitable death have within this indecision and the uncertainty they create regarding existence itself.
Shakespeare’s intention was not all pessimistic however; a false assumption being that he is asserting this dangerous indecisiveness as an inevitable characteristic within humanity. His own reaction to what he saw as a limited and archaic formulation of the ideal identity by his Elizabethan society for example was anything but indecisive; his personal approach of determined subversion and individuality being reflected through various
The discussion of identity as a motivator for action as well as a simultaneous justification for indecision is expanded further throughout the turmoil in the play. Shakespeare’s clear depiction of the important role of identity in dispelling indecision has prompted critics such as Goethe to agree with him, stating that “Hamlet is a man unfit for the task of revenge due to his identification”. In addition, Shakespeare characterises Hamlet as an indecisive “coward” who laments that “the time is out of joint. O cursed spite, that I ever was born to set it right”, You do a really great job of embedding quotes perfectly. mirroring the contextual norm Shakespeare identified; itself a deconstruction of the complexity of human nature which he believed his society was oblivious to. Ok, long sentence! Slice it up to make it more readable. Everything you've said is great, it's just got to be accessible now. Hamlet’s eventual decision to finally take action in Act 5, Scene 2 is thus a stark moment of progression in the play, represented by a change from first person to third within his dialogue. The previous repetition of “I” is intentionally subverted by Shakespeare to reinforce this critique of his society’s view of a universal and limited identity. He explains that for a man living in the Elizabethan context to partake in such transgressive activity, murder, one must be selfish and abandon their identity in order to complete the action, before “conscience [may] make cowards of us all”. Thus, Shakespeare has effectively asserted the relevance of identity as the reason for our decisions; simultaneously asserting humanity's fragile reversion to indecision in times of turmoil and change. Good one! I'm going to comment on how this paragraph works with the first paragraph at the end. So read on, then flick to the end :)
Shakespeare’s continued analysis of existentialism is framed primarily through the fundamental motif of death in the text; his thesis being that his societies’ focus on social identity is a fallacy due to the lack of any identity in the afterlife. This lack of identity leads to Shakespeare’s primary assertion that death is the ultimate equaliser. The fatalism Shakespeare has portrayed within “Hamlet” is therefore essential in comprehending the complexities relating to taking action and inaction. Shakespeare characterises the main protagonist to be obsessed with death, allowing him to ponder its spiritual consequences, symbolised primarily through the ghost of Hamlet’s father. The didactic worm’s meat motif dictated in Hamlet’s dialogue regarding the dead Polonius’ presence at supper, “worms are e’en at him”, effectively describes the end result of all bodies, regardless of status. This is further reinforced in the repetition of “we” and the subsequent objectification symbolisation of humans as “dishes” in Hamlet’s metaphorical dialogue; “we fat all creatures… two dishes…”, as the great chain of being is eradicated. I love that you've piggybacked literary devices and analysis here! Dwery’s reading of the play supports the irrelevancy of identity after death through his proclamation that “Hamlet recognises the inevitability of death, accepting his father’s death”, while Shakespeare has further stressed this point in Act 1 Scene 2 through Gertrude’s dialogue in which she foreshadows that “thou know ‘tis common, all that lives must die”. In conjunction, yorick’s skull symbolises the contemplation of death that even the greatest of humans are subjected to, the quote, “what is ‘t to leave betimes? Let be” symbolising the irrelevance of identity in the inevitable and universal state of death. Indeed, this existential focus on death was one intended to subvert Shakespeare's own Elizabethan societies’ unnecessary obsession with identity; its irrelevance after death being the source of this motivation.
Although Shakespeare detests his societies’ strict view of identity, his more specific criticism of humanity generally is that indecisive identities as a case study often occur due to a legitimate lack of a just reason for action in the first place. Perhaps Shakespeare’s intent for the concluding moral of the play about action is that conclusively, it should be advised by a sense of legitimate reasoning. Freud’s acknowledgment of this reality that “the play is built up on Hamlet’s hesitations, but its text offers no reasons for these hesitations”, indicates the success of Shakespeare’s portrayal of the lack of a noble justification behind individual actions, leading to their indecisiveness. Furthermore, Shakespeare’s symbolic representation of murder describes the action through a metaphor as “hire and salary”, and thus, it is this lack of justification behind the senseless action that restricts Hamlet, and results in his inaction. Shakespeare’s demonstration of deficient motives resulting in the difficulty of deciding whether to take action or not, is supported through the indecisiveness in the soliloquy in Act 3 Scene 1, in which he rhetorically states, “to be or not to be, that is the question”. If you're looking for another technique to strengthen this - "to be or not to be" is an example of diacope repetition. Through Shakespeare’s depiction of Hamlet’s complex character, he has therefore successfully asserted his belief in the need for justification in order to not be confronted with the uncertainty of one’s actions and the resultant indecisive reflection of their identity and overall existence.
In summation, I think your sentence stands just as well without "In summation" at the beginning.the continual tension between action and inaction as a result of the complexities of identification and the sensitive issue of death and it’s connections with revenge, has been successfully asserted by Shakespeare throughout his dramatic play, “Hamlet”. Although, this is an exceptionally long sentence for a "summary." Aim to have at least 3, perhaps 4, sentences in your conclusion. So even though yours is similar in length to what that would be, it isn't similar in style. You've got a lot of ideas in a small space. Just flesh them out, in the conclusion give them the time they need. My interpretation accentuates an individual’s oscillation between taking and resisting action due to the lack of justification, the supplementary role that identity and inevitable death have within this indecision and the uncertainty they create regarding existence itself.
Okay! That was exceptional! I give this a band 6 in terms of the cohesiveness of ideas as relating to one another, the language, the analysis, just the right amount of context, etc. I understand what both you and your teacher are talking about with your death and identity argument. I agree with what you're saying, and I think we just need to bring it to the surface a bit more. It is my personal opinion that identity is relevant after death, because people remember your image and portrayal. I think it is a bit ironic for characters in the play to suggest that after their death, their identity is irrelevant, when in fact, they have been recounted in history by Shakespeare for their identity. The other thing that comes to mind is that in order for you to rule that identity is irrelevant after death, I think you need to provide why that is important - do the characters suggest otherwise? For this reason, I'm inclined to suggest that you swap your first and second body paragraph. The second paragraph details the importance of identity - so you're setting up the reason why identity would be important - but then you bring it down to reality that it is irrelevant after death shortly after. I think this might do the work of explaining why your paragraph isn't "obvious" as your teacher suggested, but rather, a contrast to the build up that identity is really important.
Obviously, there is no essay question I can see attached here so I can't comment explicitly on how that - but I'm guessing its a past paper response? My only other two small critiques are: some sentences are really long. Break it up a little. And, in the conclusion, you bring in "my." I think that you should change that to something more like, "A modern student of the work" or "A contemporary audience..." to bring it out of the first person situation. I'd get your teacher's opinion, but I know it is most commonly suggested by teachers to avoid the first person in the Mod B essay, even that it requires a personal response. And instead, insert your personal response into the response of a "contemporary audience" or something of that nature. At the end of the day, you've sustained a highly sophisticated response even with the first person voice creeping in - so I wouldn't stress at all. But if you're looking to be uniform, then that's a point to look at :)
There isn't just 100 words I could cut out. Instead, I'd be looking at rephrasing the first three sentences of each paragraph. Because it is often concept and context, I'd just slice and dice it together a bit more whilst trying not to lose the clarity. It might only shave 50 words off your work, but better than none!
Overall, you've done an EXCELLENT job here - your writing ability is your strongest asset at this stage I think!
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 09:58:13 am
Just wanted to say... Wow you guys are awesome. Went to your lecture yesterday to see Adv. English and Ancient and it was epic. You guys really know your stuff. Elyse cheers, learnt so much which my teacher hasn't taught us.
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyse's tips from the lecture.
Thanks so much! I've passed this on to Ash as well and she's stoked to hear you enjoyed her lecture, as am I! Best of luck with everything! Only 10 posts to go before you can get an essay marked :) And, thanks again! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 10:32:45 am
Hi,
Here's my individual study regarding Wilde's Dorian Gray and Stevenson's Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, the question is:
How do the authors Wilde and Stevenson explore the nature of moral corruption?
Thankyou!
Hi there! Sorry for the delay!!!! Your essay is in the spoiler below! :) I have to say - I don't know a lot about the requirements about "individual study" so I've tried to comment mainly on wording and expression :)
Spoiler
For most HSC modules, a conceptual statement starts off the essay. Not sure about SACE, but just throwing it out there in case :)Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray both explore an inner evil which is inherent to humans. A focus on human morality was a typical theme for the socially aware audiences of Nineteenth Century England, and throughout this time, the intended audience were noun/verb agreement: audience was or audiences were. completely aware of the importance of their image and social status. Both authors challenge their audiences to consider the significance of appearance in their judgments of an individual’s worth and raise questions about whether evil or moral corruption can assume a beguiling appearance. Both Stevenson and Wilde implement structural features and techniques which are pivotal to this exploration. Stevenson’s use of alternate perspectives, epistolary sections and symbolic representations allows the audience to understand and acknowledge that corruption can be hidden in society through the significant discrepancy between Jekyll’s social appearance and his true motives. Contrastingly, Wilde portrays the physical representation of the difference between one’s exterior appearance compared to their interior through his use of minor characters and symbolism. Is it common of SACE essays to have a sentence at the end of the introduction that rounds it up thematically?
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their differing opinions on the state of the moral corruption through the implementation of minor characters and description of setting. Interesting approach with the minor characters! Wilde’s explicit contrast between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton allows the audience to understand the temptation which the inherent evil within us causes. Whereas, Stevenson compares the moral state of humans to the environment in which they live, hence “the provinces of good and ill which divide and compound man’s dual nature” . Dorian is profoundly influenced by Lord Wotton, as he believes that Henry has revealed him to “One of the great secrets of life” , a coma goes inside the quotation marks :) hence both Dorian and Wotton share similar moral perceptions and thoughts regarding scenarios where the personal opinions of individuals are required. Dorian understands that these moral values are “wrong [and] poisoness” ] yet simultaneously describes them as “fascinating [and] delightful” . As Dorian continues to become further influenced by Wotton’s philosophy, it appears and occurs to Henry that there is something “terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence” , however, Dorian is completely oblivious to the fact that Lord Wotton is not living the life that he projects. The feeling of enthrallment which Wilde exhibits through Lord Wotton results in Dorian continuing this abnormal lifestyle as Henry cannot disregard of his desire to be influential in the life of a fellow human. At this stage, we've had a series of quotes without a lot of analysis. In the assumption that SACE is similar to HSC, the most effective way to use quotes is to link them to a technique and effect. At this stage, you're painting the picture with them and describing the plot through quotes, rather than analysing the author's intentions behind the quotes. This authoritative personality towards Dorian contributes to his downfall, as Dorian is now obsessed with this presented philosophy and acquired egotistical demeanour. The contrasting characters of Dorian and Wotton highlight Wilde’s view that moral corruption and evil are the product of conscious decisions to fulfil one’s sybaritic desires. Good! Contrasting characters is a good analysis. Contrastingly, Stevenson’s understanding of moral corruption lies in his belief of an inherent evil which exists at the core of a man’s soul as a unquestionable aspect of duality. This is most clearly expressed in the revelation that Mr. Hyde is in fact Dr. Jekyll, only transformed into a personification of Jekyll's evil characteristics. Stevenson’s use of minor characters enables him to express the common opinion on moral corruption held at the time. The repeated opinion regarding Hyde from Jekyll’s butler, Mr Poole, Mr Enfield and Utterson, who all express an “…unknown disgust, loathing and fear” towards this figure of Mr Hyde, of whom is seen as “…hardly human [and] something troglodytic…” . These observers look upon Jekyll with the “…visible misgiving of the flesh…” , and Jekyll attempts to explain the reason as to why they observe his corrupted nature. He states in this statement of his case that “…because all human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil; and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil” . The opinion of an outsider, Dr Lanyon, who leaves a letter, addressed to Utterson before his death, reveals the moral destruction which he faced when Hyde, produced in him “…some deep-seated terror of the mind” . This epistolary section allows Stevenson to truly reveal the impact that Hyde had on Lanyon’s physical and mental wellbeing, as Lanyon wrote “…my soul sickened… my life is shaken to its roots… I feel that my days are numbered, and that I must die; and yet I must die incredulous” . Wilde’s implementation of minor characters allows him to convey the shared opinion regarding the common perception of their Nineteenth Century audiences, that the moral corruption inherent within humans significantly affects their physicality and social view. In Wilde’s text, this role is played by the minor character, Basil Hallward. Basil is central to the text, due to the fact that Basil represents the voice of society and Wilde’s audience at the time of publication, the views of which he expressed, echoed that of the audience. Exactly how is Basil a voice of the text? Are his words in high modality, does he use the collective/inclusive first person, etc? At the moment, you're sharing your experience of Basil as the voice, but now you need to back up why. Basil explains that “…Sin is a thing that writes itself across a man’s face. It cannot be concealed” which is further emphasised later with comment, “it shows itself in the lines of the mouth, the droop of his eyelids, the moulding of his hands even” . Upon hearing the suggested rumours of Dorian’s moral corruption, he was in disbelief, as he was uncertain as to why Dorian’s physical appearance did not reflect his corrupted soul. Throughout both The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Wilde and Stevenson both employed minor characters to convey their shared opinion regarding the physical and mental state of those who encounter the moral corruption and the commonly held societal view of the time.
This is a huge paragraph! I'd be splitting it in half, at least. Your ideas flow together in a big paragraph, but that means you lose direction and intention. When you start a new paragraph, you're forced to reconsider the intentions of your argument and express that accordingly.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their personal beliefs that evil is inherent in humanity; however, they accentuate this moral dilapidation in different ways. Stevenson uses alternate perspective to convey Jekyll’s attempts to supress the evil aspect of his nature, expressed through Mr Edward Hyde, whereas Wilde elucidates Dorian’s egotistical narcissism which is apparent due to his exquisite beauty, through the utilisation of symbolism. Good one! The portrait of Dorian, which is illustrated by his friend, Basil Hayward, encapsulated Dorian’s “unstained purity of his boyhood” , however, his apparent beauty would evidently become “… a visible symbol of the degradation of sin” . Dorian’s malevolent state of his soul is symbolised through the hideous transformation which the portrait was “…wrinkling” and exhibited “[a] heavy sensual mouth…” . Wilde also uses the “large, purple satin coverlet heavily embroidered with gold” to cover the portrait drawn by Basil, reflecting that the sins he commits will blemish its beauty just as worms blemish the body of a corpse. Again, another example of not linking to a technique and effect. The cover, which is referred to as a “pall” , acknowledges the fact that this satin coverlet is the boundary between the view of society and Dorian’s moral death and “It was to hide something that had a corruption of its own, worse than the corruption of death itself” . Similarly, Jekyll’s hapless attempt to supress Hyde, results in this evil embodiment becoming festered, developing into an embodiment that is uncontrollable and overpowering, which causes greater damage to his soul and it’s “balancing instincts” . Although Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is primarily narrated from the perspective of Jekyll’s close friend and lawyer, Mr. Gabriel John Utterson, Stevenson utilises the perspective of Jekyll throughout the final chapter, “Henry Jekyll’s Full Statement of the Case” , where the association between Jekyll and Hyde is pronounced and revealed by Jekyll. Through the use of this change of perspective, Stevenson is able to accentuate his worries towards Jekyll’s character flaws, as Jekyll comments on the murder of Sir Danvers Carew by Hyde, “My devil had been long caged, he came out roaring.” Jekyll also explains that “when the attempt is made to cast [evil] off, it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure” Through the use of alternate perspective and symbolism, Stevenson and Wilde are able to convey their similar thoughts regarding the potential for individual attributes and qualities to exaggerate one’s immortality. The two persisting techniques here are alternate perspective and symbolism. It's an interesting approach to discuss these two consistently throughout the paragraph, but I think it works. The way to enhance it now is to go forward and find more techniques in the little quotes you've used throughout! More on this at the end
When both Wilde and Stevenson’s use of textual references are contrasted against one another, it is evident that both Wilde and Stevenson have alternating views on the nature of moral corruption and the impact on which it has on one’s appearance and the perception that they hold in the public eye. Wilde’s use of contrasting characters, between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton highlights the fact that he believes that evil is apparent due to one’s immoral values whereas Stevenson makes it clear that the evil inherent within each individual is waiting to be released through the same technique. Their mutual concern for the moral corruption which this evil causes and that all humans are cabaple of coming heinous acts is shown through Wilde’s use of the central minor character, Basil Hallward and Stevenson’s application of outsider perspective. Both Stevenson and Wilde convey the similar opinion that the fatal personal characteristics stem from the desire of approval throughout society, however, the both also refute the belief the Victorian belief that moral corruption would be publicly visible through the use of stylistic features.Love this ending bit!. Through Wilde and Stevenson’s exploration of the inescapable evil inside all, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde both challenge the audience to question this apparent evil, the consequences and its impact on human life. This is a long conclusion! I usually suggest about 4 sentences suits well. In saying that, I think it is a great summary of the above! If you need to cut out words, cut out something from here. Probably just by blending sentences together, and cutting some phrases.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their differing opinions on the state of the moral corruption through the implementation of minor characters and description of setting. Interesting approach with the minor characters! Wilde’s explicit contrast between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton allows the audience to understand the temptation which the inherent evil within us causes. Whereas, Stevenson compares the moral state of humans to the environment in which they live, hence “the provinces of good and ill which divide and compound man’s dual nature” . Dorian is profoundly influenced by Lord Wotton, as he believes that Henry has revealed him to “One of the great secrets of life” , a coma goes inside the quotation marks :) hence both Dorian and Wotton share similar moral perceptions and thoughts regarding scenarios where the personal opinions of individuals are required. Dorian understands that these moral values are “wrong [and] poisoness”
This is a huge paragraph! I'd be splitting it in half, at least. Your ideas flow together in a big paragraph, but that means you lose direction and intention. When you start a new paragraph, you're forced to reconsider the intentions of your argument and express that accordingly.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their personal beliefs that evil is inherent in humanity; however, they accentuate this moral dilapidation in different ways. Stevenson uses alternate perspective to convey Jekyll’s attempts to supress the evil aspect of his nature, expressed through Mr Edward Hyde, whereas Wilde elucidates Dorian’s egotistical narcissism which is apparent due to his exquisite beauty, through the utilisation of symbolism. Good one! The portrait of Dorian, which is illustrated by his friend, Basil Hayward, encapsulated Dorian’s “unstained purity of his boyhood” , however, his apparent beauty would evidently become “… a visible symbol of the degradation of sin” . Dorian’s malevolent state of his soul is symbolised through the hideous transformation which the portrait was “…wrinkling” and exhibited “[a] heavy sensual mouth…” . Wilde also uses the “large, purple satin coverlet heavily embroidered with gold” to cover the portrait drawn by Basil, reflecting that the sins he commits will blemish its beauty just as worms blemish the body of a corpse. Again, another example of not linking to a technique and effect. The cover, which is referred to as a “pall” , acknowledges the fact that this satin coverlet is the boundary between the view of society and Dorian’s moral death and “It was to hide something that had a corruption of its own, worse than the corruption of death itself” . Similarly, Jekyll’s hapless attempt to supress Hyde, results in this evil embodiment becoming festered, developing into an embodiment that is uncontrollable and overpowering, which causes greater damage to his soul and it’s “balancing instincts” . Although Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is primarily narrated from the perspective of Jekyll’s close friend and lawyer, Mr. Gabriel John Utterson, Stevenson utilises the perspective of Jekyll throughout the final chapter, “Henry Jekyll’s Full Statement of the Case” , where the association between Jekyll and Hyde is pronounced and revealed by Jekyll. Through the use of this change of perspective, Stevenson is able to accentuate his worries towards Jekyll’s character flaws, as Jekyll comments on the murder of Sir Danvers Carew by Hyde, “My devil had been long caged, he came out roaring.” Jekyll also explains that “when the attempt is made to cast [evil] off, it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure” Through the use of alternate perspective and symbolism, Stevenson and Wilde are able to convey their similar thoughts regarding the potential for individual attributes and qualities to exaggerate one’s immortality. The two persisting techniques here are alternate perspective and symbolism. It's an interesting approach to discuss these two consistently throughout the paragraph, but I think it works. The way to enhance it now is to go forward and find more techniques in the little quotes you've used throughout! More on this at the end
When both Wilde and Stevenson’s use of textual references are contrasted against one another, it is evident that both Wilde and Stevenson have alternating views on the nature of moral corruption and the impact on which it has on one’s appearance and the perception that they hold in the public eye. Wilde’s use of contrasting characters, between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton highlights the fact that he believes that evil is apparent due to one’s immoral values whereas Stevenson makes it clear that the evil inherent within each individual is waiting to be released through the same technique. Their mutual concern for the moral corruption which this evil causes and that all humans are cabaple of coming heinous acts is shown through Wilde’s use of the central minor character, Basil Hallward and Stevenson’s application of outsider perspective. Both Stevenson and Wilde convey the similar opinion that the fatal personal characteristics stem from the desire of approval throughout society, however, the both also refute the belief the Victorian belief that moral corruption would be publicly visible through the use of stylistic features.Love this ending bit!. Through Wilde and Stevenson’s exploration of the inescapable evil inside all, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde both challenge the audience to question this apparent evil, the consequences and its impact on human life. This is a long conclusion! I usually suggest about 4 sentences suits well. In saying that, I think it is a great summary of the above! If you need to cut out words, cut out something from here. Probably just by blending sentences together, and cutting some phrases.
I have no doubt that you have a really good grasp on the texts! You've described the narratives in relation to each other really well. I want to comment more on the structure, which you'll have to take with a grain of salt because I don't know the demands of this module enough. Essentially, the first body paragraph needs to be smaller because you lose direction of the argument. At the top and end of a paragraph, you force yourself to align your perspective, which is great! So, don't be afraid of splitting it up :)
As for your analysis:
Each quote should be used in a way that it adds to your textual analysis. Again, this is under the assumption that your module requires textual analysis and not just plot contrasting. So, every single time you use a quote, find a technique inside. Look for the obvious but overlooked things like, first/second/third person narration, or past/present/future tense. These are in just about every single quote. Or, look at the connotations/denotations of an adjective. You can be really specific when looking for these things. Alternatively, look for symbolism, metaphors, etc. You've done a lot of this already in your most important quotes, but it is important to pair each little quote with a greater purpose, beyond just adding to the plot. Does this make sense? So, by all means, have a small quote here or there that doesn't really contribute to the analysis, but rather, makes the understanding more wholesome. But, for the most part, you want to pair every quote with some kind of technique, and then the effect. This is what I mean when I was talking about Basil above - how is Basil the voice of the people? What is it in Basil's quotes that show this?
What I do want to commend you on enormously is your integration of the texts! You've done a stellar job of flipping between the two consistently. That's often a difficult thing to do because you can be so carried away with one text, but you've done it awesomely!
Hope this makes sense! Please, only take on what is relevant to SACE! :)
Post by: Jakeybaby on September 28, 2016, 12:13:23 pm
Hi there! Sorry for the delay!!!! Your essay is in the spoiler below! :) I have to say - I don't know a lot about the requirements about "individual study" so I've tried to comment mainly on wording and expression :)Thankyou so much!SpoilerFor most HSC modules, a conceptual statement starts off the essay. Not sure about SACE, but just throwing it out there in case :)Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray both explore an inner evil which is inherent to humans. A focus on human morality was a typical theme for the socially aware audiences of Nineteenth Century England, and throughout this time, the intended audience were noun/verb agreement: audience was or audiences were. completely aware of the importance of their image and social status. Both authors challenge their audiences to consider the significance of appearance in their judgments of an individual’s worth and raise questions about whether evil or moral corruption can assume a beguiling appearance. Both Stevenson and Wilde implement structural features and techniques which are pivotal to this exploration. Stevenson’s use of alternate perspectives, epistolary sections and symbolic representations allows the audience to understand and acknowledge that corruption can be hidden in society through the significant discrepancy between Jekyll’s social appearance and his true motives. Contrastingly, Wilde portrays the physical representation of the difference between one’s exterior appearance compared to their interior through his use of minor characters and symbolism. Is it common of SACE essays to have a sentence at the end of the introduction that rounds it up thematically?
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their differing opinions on the state of the moral corruption through the implementation of minor characters and description of setting. Interesting approach with the minor characters! Wilde’s explicit contrast between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton allows the audience to understand the temptation which the inherent evil within us causes. Whereas, Stevenson compares the moral state of humans to the environment in which they live, hence “the provinces of good and ill which divide and compound man’s dual nature” . Dorian is profoundly influenced by Lord Wotton, as he believes that Henry has revealed him to “One of the great secrets of life” , a coma goes inside the quotation marks :) hence both Dorian and Wotton share similar moral perceptions and thoughts regarding scenarios where the personal opinions of individuals are required. Dorian understands that these moral values are “wrong [and] poisoness”]yet simultaneously describes them as “fascinating [and] delightful” . As Dorian continues to become further influenced by Wotton’s philosophy, it appears and occurs to Henry that there is something “terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence” , however, Dorian is completely oblivious to the fact that Lord Wotton is not living the life that he projects. The feeling of enthrallment which Wilde exhibits through Lord Wotton results in Dorian continuing this abnormal lifestyle as Henry cannot disregard of his desire to be influential in the life of a fellow human. At this stage, we've had a series of quotes without a lot of analysis. In the assumption that SACE is similar to HSC, the most effective way to use quotes is to link them to a technique and effect. At this stage, you're painting the picture with them and describing the plot through quotes, rather than analysing the author's intentions behind the quotes. This authoritative personality towards Dorian contributes to his downfall, as Dorian is now obsessed with this presented philosophy and acquired egotistical demeanour. The contrasting characters of Dorian and Wotton highlight Wilde’s view that moral corruption and evil are the product of conscious decisions to fulfil one’s sybaritic desires. Good! Contrasting characters is a good analysis. Contrastingly, Stevenson’s understanding of moral corruption lies in his belief of an inherent evil which exists at the core of a man’s soul as a unquestionable aspect of duality. This is most clearly expressed in the revelation that Mr. Hyde is in fact Dr. Jekyll, only transformed into a personification of Jekyll's evil characteristics. Stevenson’s use of minor characters enables him to express the common opinion on moral corruption held at the time. The repeated opinion regarding Hyde from Jekyll’s butler, Mr Poole, Mr Enfield and Utterson, who all express an “…unknown disgust, loathing and fear” towards this figure of Mr Hyde, of whom is seen as “…hardly human [and] something troglodytic…” . These observers look upon Jekyll with the “…visible misgiving of the flesh…” , and Jekyll attempts to explain the reason as to why they observe his corrupted nature. He states in this statement of his case that “…because all human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil; and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil” . The opinion of an outsider, Dr Lanyon, who leaves a letter, addressed to Utterson before his death, reveals the moral destruction which he faced when Hyde, produced in him “…some deep-seated terror of the mind” . This epistolary section allows Stevenson to truly reveal the impact that Hyde had on Lanyon’s physical and mental wellbeing, as Lanyon wrote “…my soul sickened… my life is shaken to its roots… I feel that my days are numbered, and that I must die; and yet I must die incredulous” . Wilde’s implementation of minor characters allows him to convey the shared opinion regarding the common perception of their Nineteenth Century audiences, that the moral corruption inherent within humans significantly affects their physicality and social view. In Wilde’s text, this role is played by the minor character, Basil Hallward. Basil is central to the text, due to the fact that Basil represents the voice of society and Wilde’s audience at the time of publication, the views of which he expressed, echoed that of the audience. Exactly how is Basil a voice of the text? Are his words in high modality, does he use the collective/inclusive first person, etc? At the moment, you're sharing your experience of Basil as the voice, but now you need to back up why. Basil explains that “…Sin is a thing that writes itself across a man’s face. It cannot be concealed” which is further emphasised later with comment, “it shows itself in the lines of the mouth, the droop of his eyelids, the moulding of his hands even” . Upon hearing the suggested rumours of Dorian’s moral corruption, he was in disbelief, as he was uncertain as to why Dorian’s physical appearance did not reflect his corrupted soul. Throughout both The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Wilde and Stevenson both employed minor characters to convey their shared opinion regarding the physical and mental state of those who encounter the moral corruption and the commonly held societal view of the time.
This is a huge paragraph! I'd be splitting it in half, at least. Your ideas flow together in a big paragraph, but that means you lose direction and intention. When you start a new paragraph, you're forced to reconsider the intentions of your argument and express that accordingly.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their personal beliefs that evil is inherent in humanity; however, they accentuate this moral dilapidation in different ways. Stevenson uses alternate perspective to convey Jekyll’s attempts to supress the evil aspect of his nature, expressed through Mr Edward Hyde, whereas Wilde elucidates Dorian’s egotistical narcissism which is apparent due to his exquisite beauty, through the utilisation of symbolism. Good one! The portrait of Dorian, which is illustrated by his friend, Basil Hayward, encapsulated Dorian’s “unstained purity of his boyhood” , however, his apparent beauty would evidently become “… a visible symbol of the degradation of sin” . Dorian’s malevolent state of his soul is symbolised through the hideous transformation which the portrait was “…wrinkling” and exhibited “[a] heavy sensual mouth…” . Wilde also uses the “large, purple satin coverlet heavily embroidered with gold” to cover the portrait drawn by Basil, reflecting that the sins he commits will blemish its beauty just as worms blemish the body of a corpse. Again, another example of not linking to a technique and effect. The cover, which is referred to as a “pall” , acknowledges the fact that this satin coverlet is the boundary between the view of society and Dorian’s moral death and “It was to hide something that had a corruption of its own, worse than the corruption of death itself” . Similarly, Jekyll’s hapless attempt to supress Hyde, results in this evil embodiment becoming festered, developing into an embodiment that is uncontrollable and overpowering, which causes greater damage to his soul and it’s “balancing instincts” . Although Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is primarily narrated from the perspective of Jekyll’s close friend and lawyer, Mr. Gabriel John Utterson, Stevenson utilises the perspective of Jekyll throughout the final chapter, “Henry Jekyll’s Full Statement of the Case” , where the association between Jekyll and Hyde is pronounced and revealed by Jekyll. Through the use of this change of perspective, Stevenson is able to accentuate his worries towards Jekyll’s character flaws, as Jekyll comments on the murder of Sir Danvers Carew by Hyde, “My devil had been long caged, he came out roaring.” Jekyll also explains that “when the attempt is made to cast [evil] off, it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure” Through the use of alternate perspective and symbolism, Stevenson and Wilde are able to convey their similar thoughts regarding the potential for individual attributes and qualities to exaggerate one’s immortality. The two persisting techniques here are alternate perspective and symbolism. It's an interesting approach to discuss these two consistently throughout the paragraph, but I think it works. The way to enhance it now is to go forward and find more techniques in the little quotes you've used throughout! More on this at the end
When both Wilde and Stevenson’s use of textual references are contrasted against one another, it is evident that both Wilde and Stevenson have alternating views on the nature of moral corruption and the impact on which it has on one’s appearance and the perception that they hold in the public eye. Wilde’s use of contrasting characters, between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton highlights the fact that he believes that evil is apparent due to one’s immoral values whereas Stevenson makes it clear that the evil inherent within each individual is waiting to be released through the same technique. Their mutual concern for the moral corruption which this evil causes and that all humans are cabaple of coming heinous acts is shown through Wilde’s use of the central minor character, Basil Hallward and Stevenson’s application of outsider perspective. Both Stevenson and Wilde convey the similar opinion that the fatal personal characteristics stem from the desire of approval throughout society, however, the both also refute the belief the Victorian belief that moral corruption would be publicly visible through the use of stylistic features.Love this ending bit!. Through Wilde and Stevenson’s exploration of the inescapable evil inside all, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde both challenge the audience to question this apparent evil, the consequences and its impact on human life. This is a long conclusion! I usually suggest about 4 sentences suits well. In saying that, I think it is a great summary of the above! If you need to cut out words, cut out something from here. Probably just by blending sentences together, and cutting some phrases.
I have no doubt that you have a really good grasp on the texts! You've described the narratives in relation to each other really well. I want to comment more on the structure, which you'll have to take with a grain of salt because I don't know the demands of this module enough. Essentially, the first body paragraph needs to be smaller because you lose direction of the argument. At the top and end of a paragraph, you force yourself to align your perspective, which is great! So, don't be afraid of splitting it up :)
As for your analysis:
Each quote should be used in a way that it adds to your textual analysis. Again, this is under the assumption that your module requires textual analysis and not just plot contrasting. So, every single time you use a quote, find a technique inside. Look for the obvious but overlooked things like, first/second/third person narration, or past/present/future tense. These are in just about every single quote. Or, look at the connotations/denotations of an adjective. You can be really specific when looking for these things. Alternatively, look for symbolism, metaphors, etc. You've done a lot of this already in your most important quotes, but it is important to pair each little quote with a greater purpose, beyond just adding to the plot. Does this make sense? So, by all means, have a small quote here or there that doesn't really contribute to the analysis, but rather, makes the understanding more wholesome. But, for the most part, you want to pair every quote with some kind of technique, and then the effect. This is what I mean when I was talking about Basil above - how is Basil the voice of the people? What is it in Basil's quotes that show this?
What I do want to commend you on enormously is your integration of the texts! You've done a stellar job of flipping between the two consistently. That's often a difficult thing to do because you can be so carried away with one text, but you've done it awesomely!
Hope this makes sense! Please, only take on what is relevant to SACE! :)
I really appreciate it!!!!!
Post by: vyca on September 28, 2016, 02:06:07 pm
Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain”. It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’, whilst the pun delineates the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or in defiance by his free will. The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and legitimising the Tudor reign. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with changed ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and freewill, and replaces it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation and control is immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order. For Richard’s despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Both composers have effectively promogulated the notion of “pursuit of power” to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences.
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 07:01:14 pm
Thank you for the feedback! So basically all I have to do is switch the first and second body paragraphs? So the second body paragraph will be in the first position? And also shorten those sentences?
So my ideas and everything is all good and if I adapt this essay to the question will I be getting above 17/20? I know its hard to give me a yes or no answer but with your knowledge of the marking criteria etc. do you think this essay will get over 17/20?
Thank you again for your feedback!
I definitely think this is worth a band 6! If you flip the paragraphs, you might need to just adjust the wording a little to show the kind of irony that identity is so important during life, but it's not worth a whole lot afterwards. Kind of just pump up that idea a bit! And yep, shorten those few sentences :)
100% you are on the mark for a band 6! Your expression and clarity of language will grab any marker's attention, it's some of the best I've seen in a long time! Right from your very first sentence I knew we were in for something good :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 09:16:39 pm
Hi! I've only ever written block essays but I was given advice to try out integrated paragraphs for my MOD A essay...so this is my first attempt and I was wondering if i could get feedback to see if i'm on the right track and whatnot. Thankyou
Hey! Good idea for getting feedback on a paragraph to see if you're on the right track!
Here it is:
Spoiler
Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Love "human construct" - what a great alternative to human condition.Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain”. Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks :) It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’, whilst the pun delineates the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or in defiance by his free will. This sentence is quite long, I'd chop it up if I could! consider doing that :) The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. WONDERFUL! The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and legitimising the Tudor reign. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with changed ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and freewill, and replaces it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation, (put a comma here - it's called the Oxford comma) and control is immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order. For Richard’s despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Both composers have effectively promogulated the notion of “pursuit of power” to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences.
Happy to report that you've done a stellar job here! Only grammatical things to fix, your integrated structure is on point!! You should be really pleased!
Post by: vyca on September 28, 2016, 10:07:10 pm
Hey! Good idea for getting feedback on a paragraph to see if you're on the right track!
Here it is:SpoilerPacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Love "human construct" - what a great alternative to human condition.Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain”. Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks :) It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’, whilst the pun delineates the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or in defiance by his free will. This sentence is quite long, I'd chop it up if I could! consider doing that :) The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. WONDERFUL! The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and legitimising the Tudor reign. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with changed ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and freewill, and replaces it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation, (put a comma here - it's called the Oxford comma) and control is immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order. For Richard’s despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Both composers have effectively promogulated the notion of “pursuit of power” to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences.
Happy to report that you've done a stellar job here! Only grammatical things to fix, your integrated structure is on point!! You should be really pleased!
Thankyou so much Elyse, glad to hear that i'm doing it right! One more thing, should I be putting more textual analysis in or would the amount I currently have suffice?
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 29, 2016, 10:08:49 am
Thankyou so much Elyse, glad to hear that i'm doing it right! One more thing, should I be putting more textual analysis in or would the amount I currently have suffice?
I truly think this is great! One of your strengths here is embedding quotes and analysis so that it flows really seamlessly! So, you don't tick the box of "obvious analysis" but rather, at the end of the paragraph I realise that I've actually read a perfect analysis and hardly even noticed, because everything flows in great form! So your delivery of ideas is magnificent :)
Post by: lozil on September 29, 2016, 04:52:06 pm
Spoiler
Disillusioned by conflicting Renaissance and Medieval worlds, Hamlet seeks control through developing a distinct personal identity. Unable to resolve the disparity between these value systems, Hamlet experiences internal conflict as he searches for answers to universal questions of fate, morality, corruption, revenge and duty. By subverting traditional tragic forms such as the revenge tragedy, Shakespeare demonstrates how the universal and seemingly irreconcilable values of duty and morality lead to Hamlet’s immense metaphysical anguish, inhibiting the deterministic action Hamlet strives for. While this internal conflict reflects the religious and moral upheaval of Elizabethan society at the turn of the 17th century, play’s textual integrity is evident as the universal values addressed continue to resound within contemporary audiences.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Post by: Sssssrr on September 29, 2016, 07:42:22 pm
Thanks, Sam
Post by: jakesilove on September 29, 2016, 10:28:51 pm
Hey here's my module C essay; Mod C was my worst in the trials so I went back and re-did it. The related text we were given in class couldn't be used for the trial but I liked it way better (and did better in the task for it than in trial) so I'm sticking with it :).
I haven't looked at it for a while, so any feedback is appreciated :)
Thanks ;D ;D
Hey Bronte! Check my comments below :)
Original Essay
Spoiler
The political atmosphere dominating society, created through repression and dictated by the motivations of individuals, is represented through the manipulation of established
theocracy. Miller’s representational choices in the crucible (1953), through his use of language and parallels with his historical context are effective as they encourage the audience to consider the nature of their own political environment. Miller examines the conformity of thought and action in a repressed society by representing the theocratic dogma of the 1692 Salem trials in conjunction with 1950s McCarthyism hysteria; both of which are manipulated by an individual's ulterior motives. George W Bush’s 2002 “State of The Union” address also represents the established political agenda through manipulating the threats of terrorism to infiltrate the population’s unrest and shift political standings. Manipulation of events and motives to represent society allows composers to illustrate their political views.
The current political stance of society is represented in texts to reflect the composer’s perspective on the affair. Miller’s own disapproval of the political unrest of the 1950s is represented through Proctors sarcastic tone; “I like not the smell of this authority”. Miller further disputes the repressive political atmosphere in the post-cold war period through the analogy; “Theology, sir, is a fortress”, as the ambiguous imagery of the fortress as both
protective and imprisoning negatively represents the repression and forced singularity of thought evoked by McCarthyism. Miller negatively represents the corrupt political leaders who manipulate the theocratic agenda; “A person is either with this court or against it, there is no road between” where Danforth’s argument by absolutes asserts Miller’s disapproval of the repression in the 1950s which demanded a singularity of thought. Proctors exclamation against the court's “God is dead!” is representative of Miller’s disapproval of the morality which has been extinguished during the HUAC trials; where repression forced a singularity of thought. Millers ultimate negative representation of his rejection of the unjust court system is through Elizabeth’s stringent tone “I cannot judge you, John”; where Miller’s main concept is represented to the audience – that an individual or institution cannot judge another person purely based on their political exertion. Similarly, George W Bush negatively represents the threat of terrorism by manipulating the direct communication with the audience. Through oversimplifying political realities, Bush negatively represents the political unrest; “the war against terrorism” asserts his political agenda whilst negatively representing the reality of terrorism as unjust. Bush's brutal theomorphic description of the enemy as "terrorist parasites" negatively represents the political turmoil which is a result of disruptive terror. Bush represents the brutal realities of terrorism by exemplifying emotive re-tells “a firefighter returns to ground zero...” to manipulate and shift the audience’s political stance. The negative propositions of the political distress of each composer’s context is represented through the manipulation of events to heighten each perspective based on context.
An individual’s motivation for personal gain is carried out through manipulation of the established political agenda. Miller’s disapproval of manipulating the political agenda for personal gain is represented by Miller through the tyrannic reign of Abigail; “Crazy children jangling the keys” is symbolic of the total immorality of Abigail’s motivation to condemn others, as “common vengeance writes the law”. Miller represents the unjust court system through a parallel of Hale with Pontius Pilate – the allusion to the unjust biblical figure is Miller’s disapproval of the immoral manipulation for personal gain by political leaders. The unjust preservation of the theocratic status quo is represented in the stage direction “...exact loyalty to his position and cause”; Miller is representing the total subservience of the population to authority, which has hence resulted in suppression of individuality. Miller, through dramatic manipulation of setting, lighting and events in Act 4, represents his disapproval of the workings of the courts as totally invalid, “high barred windows, heavy doors. Darkness” where individuals are only motivated by personal gain, and the satirical description of the court marshal’s as “drunk and heavy footed” symbolically undermines the political legitimacy of the court leaders who are motivated by personal gain and represents the moral context of the 1950s as repressive. Miller represents his own refusal to be condemned by the repression of his moral context through Proctor’s cathartic moment – “I have given my soul, leave me my name!” which represents the necessity of a strong sense of self and personal integrity in the court systems. Likewise, Bush’s motivation for political status is achieved through manipulation of events “...Michael, a CIA officer who died…” and is a positive representation of his own political authority though assuring tone “...I assure you and all who have lost...”. Bush’s use of low modality language; “It costs a lot to fight this war” manipulates the audience as it provides a more accessible and positive representation of his abilities to combat the fear evoked by terrorism, and thus, fuels his motivation to gain political authority. Bush positively represents his own political agenda through inclusive language “we” – inclusion manipulates the audience into shifting political stance whilst catering to fulfilling Bush’s own motivation. Bush fuels his political motivation through listing “first, we shut down camps, second, we prevent...” which represents his political agenda to the audience as accessible, and thus, trustworthy. Miller and Bush both represent the impact of personal motivation in political manoeuvres – where miller condemns the unjust manipulation, Bush exerts his motives on the public through manipulating complex decisions as ones which are inclusive and understandable.
theocracy. Miller’s representational choices in the crucible (1953), through his use of language and parallels with his historical context are effective as they encourage the audience to consider the nature of their own political environment. Miller examines the conformity of thought and action in a repressed society by representing the theocratic dogma of the 1692 Salem trials in conjunction with 1950s McCarthyism hysteria; both of which are manipulated by an individual's ulterior motives. George W Bush’s 2002 “State of The Union” address also represents the established political agenda through manipulating the threats of terrorism to infiltrate the population’s unrest and shift political standings. Manipulation of events and motives to represent society allows composers to illustrate their political views.
The current political stance of society is represented in texts to reflect the composer’s perspective on the affair. Miller’s own disapproval of the political unrest of the 1950s is represented through Proctors sarcastic tone; “I like not the smell of this authority”. Miller further disputes the repressive political atmosphere in the post-cold war period through the analogy; “Theology, sir, is a fortress”, as the ambiguous imagery of the fortress as both
protective and imprisoning negatively represents the repression and forced singularity of thought evoked by McCarthyism. Miller negatively represents the corrupt political leaders who manipulate the theocratic agenda; “A person is either with this court or against it, there is no road between” where Danforth’s argument by absolutes asserts Miller’s disapproval of the repression in the 1950s which demanded a singularity of thought. Proctors exclamation against the court's “God is dead!” is representative of Miller’s disapproval of the morality which has been extinguished during the HUAC trials; where repression forced a singularity of thought. Millers ultimate negative representation of his rejection of the unjust court system is through Elizabeth’s stringent tone “I cannot judge you, John”; where Miller’s main concept is represented to the audience – that an individual or institution cannot judge another person purely based on their political exertion. Similarly, George W Bush negatively represents the threat of terrorism by manipulating the direct communication with the audience. Through oversimplifying political realities, Bush negatively represents the political unrest; “the war against terrorism” asserts his political agenda whilst negatively representing the reality of terrorism as unjust. Bush's brutal theomorphic description of the enemy as "terrorist parasites" negatively represents the political turmoil which is a result of disruptive terror. Bush represents the brutal realities of terrorism by exemplifying emotive re-tells “a firefighter returns to ground zero...” to manipulate and shift the audience’s political stance. The negative propositions of the political distress of each composer’s context is represented through the manipulation of events to heighten each perspective based on context.
An individual’s motivation for personal gain is carried out through manipulation of the established political agenda. Miller’s disapproval of manipulating the political agenda for personal gain is represented by Miller through the tyrannic reign of Abigail; “Crazy children jangling the keys” is symbolic of the total immorality of Abigail’s motivation to condemn others, as “common vengeance writes the law”. Miller represents the unjust court system through a parallel of Hale with Pontius Pilate – the allusion to the unjust biblical figure is Miller’s disapproval of the immoral manipulation for personal gain by political leaders. The unjust preservation of the theocratic status quo is represented in the stage direction “...exact loyalty to his position and cause”; Miller is representing the total subservience of the population to authority, which has hence resulted in suppression of individuality. Miller, through dramatic manipulation of setting, lighting and events in Act 4, represents his disapproval of the workings of the courts as totally invalid, “high barred windows, heavy doors. Darkness” where individuals are only motivated by personal gain, and the satirical description of the court marshal’s as “drunk and heavy footed” symbolically undermines the political legitimacy of the court leaders who are motivated by personal gain and represents the moral context of the 1950s as repressive. Miller represents his own refusal to be condemned by the repression of his moral context through Proctor’s cathartic moment – “I have given my soul, leave me my name!” which represents the necessity of a strong sense of self and personal integrity in the court systems. Likewise, Bush’s motivation for political status is achieved through manipulation of events “...Michael, a CIA officer who died…” and is a positive representation of his own political authority though assuring tone “...I assure you and all who have lost...”. Bush’s use of low modality language; “It costs a lot to fight this war” manipulates the audience as it provides a more accessible and positive representation of his abilities to combat the fear evoked by terrorism, and thus, fuels his motivation to gain political authority. Bush positively represents his own political agenda through inclusive language “we” – inclusion manipulates the audience into shifting political stance whilst catering to fulfilling Bush’s own motivation. Bush fuels his political motivation through listing “first, we shut down camps, second, we prevent...” which represents his political agenda to the audience as accessible, and thus, trustworthy. Miller and Bush both represent the impact of personal motivation in political manoeuvres – where miller condemns the unjust manipulation, Bush exerts his motives on the public through manipulating complex decisions as ones which are inclusive and understandable.
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
The political atmosphere dominating society, created through repression and dictated by the motivations of individuals, is represented through the manipulation of established theocracy. Miller’s representational choices in the Capitalise crucible (1953), through his use of language and parallels with his historical context are effective as they encourage the audience to consider the nature of their own political environment. Miller examines the conformity of thought and action in a repressed society by representing the theocratic dogma of the 1692 Salem trials in conjunction with 1950s McCarthyism hysteria; both of which are manipulated by an individual's ulterior motives. George W Bush’s 2002 “State of The Union” address also similarly represents the established political agenda through manipulating the threats of terrorism to infiltrate the population’s unrest not sure what you mean by this; are you suggesting that he is 'using' fear for his own ends? Potentially tidy up your description of the Speech; your Crucible introduction is powerful, but your intro as a whole would be stronger if you spend a bit more time focussing on the significance of the speech to your thesis! and shift political standings. Manipulation of events and motives to represent society allows composers to illustrate their political views.
Good intro, although I think you could be a little clearer on your thesis. Is it people in power (ie. McCarthy, Bush) who are using words to manipulate society through fear, or authors? Potentially both? Try to come up with a go-to thesis sentence to include in your introduction, either at the start or the end. Really like your style of writing though.
The current political stance of society This can definitely be tidied up; the political zeitgeist? is represented in texts to reflect the composer’s perspective on the affair. Miller’s own disapproval of the political unrest of the 1950s is represented through Proctor's sarcastic tone; “I like not the smell of this authority”. Miller further disputes the repressive political atmosphere in the post-cold war period through the analogy; “Theology, sir, is a fortress”, as the ambiguous imagery of the fortress as both protective and imprisoning negatively represents the repression and forced singularity of thought evoked by McCarthyism. The analysis of the second technique (analogy) is fantastic, but I think you could go into more depth about the 'sarcasm' preceding it, or otherwise find another quote with a more solid technique to deconstruct. Great stuff. Miller negatively represents the corrupt political leaders who manipulate the theocratic agenda; “A person is either with this court or against it, there is no road between” where Danforth’s argument by absolutes asserts Miller’s disapproval of the repression in the 1950s which demanded a singularity of thought. Read this sentence out loud to yourself; I think it's a bit long and rambly, so perhaps turn it into two. I notice you use a lot of ; "Insert quote here". Maybe try to weave quotes into your sentences a bit more, as this is something markers specifically look for. Proctors exclamation against the court's “God is dead!” is representative of Miller’s disapproval of the morality which has been extinguished during the HUAC trials What is this? (Like I know what it is, but briefly explain for the less history-oriented marker); where repression forced a singularity of thought. Millers You've done this a few times, so I'll just mention that Miller's NEEDS AND APOSTROPHE! ultimate negative representation of his rejection of the unjust court system is through Elizabeth’s stringent tone “I cannot judge you, John”; where Miller’s main concept is represented to the audience – that an individual or institution cannot judge another person purely based on their political exertion. Similarly, George W Bush negatively represents the threat of terrorism by manipulating the direct communication with the audience. Through oversimplifying political realities, Bush negatively represents the political unrest; “the war against terrorism” asserts his political agenda whilst negatively representing the reality of terrorism as unjust. Bush's brutal theomorphic description of the enemy as "terrorist parasites" negatively represents you've used this phrase a number of times; think about creating some variation? the political turmoil which is a result of disruptive terror. Bush represents the brutal realities of terrorism by exemplifying emotive re-tells “a firefighter returns to ground zero...” to manipulate and shift the audience’s political stance. The negative propositions of the political distress of each composer’s context is represented through the manipulation of events to heighten each perspective based on context.
My main comment here would be... So? You've raised lots of really good, interesting points, and you've linked your set text and related text together really well. I can see your thesis forming; one about manipulation of the masses, control through fear, and unjust judgement, but I think it needs to be clear what conclusion you draw from this. Is Bush in the wrong? Should authors NOT manipulate their audience? Is Miller himself part of the problem, by manipulatively representing his opinions? Or is he satirising McCarther? I'm trying to push your thesis just that little bit further; potentially spend some time thinking about what your main argument is.
An individual’s motivation for personal gain is carried out through manipulation of the established political agenda. Miller’s disapproval of manipulating the political agenda for personal gain is represented by Miller through the tyrannic reign of Abigail; “Crazy children jangling the keys” is symbolic of the total immorality of Abigail’s motivation to condemn others, as “common vengeance writes the law” Go into this further; how did you decide this was a symbol?. Miller represents the unjust court system I assume you're just talking about HUAC; maybe don't attack the ENTIRE court system (I'm a law student, so I'm a little touchy about this). through a parallel of Hale with Pontius Pilate – the allusion to the unjust biblical figure is Miller’s disapproval of the immoral manipulation for personal gain by political leaders. The unjust preservation of the theocratic status quo is represented in the stage direction “...exact loyalty to his position and cause”; Miller is representing the total subservience of the population to authority, which has hence resulted in suppression of individuality. I'll admit to being a little lost about WHO is being oppressed here; is it the girls by Abigail? The town by religion? All the of the above? Miller, through dramatic manipulation of setting, lighting and events in Act 4 (Make sure to use IV, teachers love that shit), represents his disapproval of the workings of the courts as totally invalid, “high barred windows, heavy doors. Darkness” where individuals are only motivated by personal gain, and the satirical description of the court marshal’s as “drunk and heavy footed” symbolically undermines the political legitimacy of the court leaders who are motivated by personal gain and represents the moral context of the 1950s as repressive. Miller represents his own refusal to be condemned by the repression of his moral context through Proctor’s cathartic moment – “I have given my soul, leave me my name!” which represents the necessity of a strong sense of self and personal integrity in the court systems. Try mixing up your analysis structure every now and again; ie. analysis first, quote later, with the quote weaved into the sentence. Likewise, Bush’s motivation for political status is achieved through manipulation of events “...Michael, a CIA officer who died…” and is a positive representation of his own political authority though assuring tone “...I assure you and all who have lost...”. Bush’s use of low modality language; “It costs a lot to fight this war” manipulates the audience as it provides a more accessible and positive representation of his abilities to combat the fear evoked by terrorism, and thus, fuels his motivation to gain political authority. Bush positively represents his own political agenda through inclusive language “we” – inclusion manipulates the audience into shifting political stance whilst catering to fulfilling Bush’s own motivation. Bush fuels his political motivation through listing “first, we shut down camps, second, we prevent...” which represents his political agenda to the audience as accessible, and thus, trustworthy. Miller and Bush both represent the impact of personal motivation in political manoeuvres – where miller condemns the unjust manipulation, Bush exerts his motives on the public through manipulating complex decisions as ones which are inclusive and understandable.
I think your analysis is great, the quotes you've chosen are perfect, and your tone is exactly what it needs to be. My main comments would be about bringing your thesis to the absolute forefront of your argument, and a bit about structure. I think you need to clarify for yourself what your thesis is; try writing it down in one or two sentences. Then, go back and highlight everywhere you directly relate argument to that thesis. Where there are areas without much highlighting, draw argument back to the question. In terms of structure, I'm not seeing a clear conclusion here (Maybe you just haven't finished?). Bring your argument to a close, maybe include a call to arms (OVERTHROW TYRANNICAL DICTATORS OF WORDS!!!!) and you're golden. Really good work overall, and I'm a fan of using Bush's speeches!
Good intro, although I think you could be a little clearer on your thesis. Is it people in power (ie. McCarthy, Bush) who are using words to manipulate society through fear, or authors? Potentially both? Try to come up with a go-to thesis sentence to include in your introduction, either at the start or the end. Really like your style of writing though.
The current political stance of society This can definitely be tidied up; the political zeitgeist? is represented in texts to reflect the composer’s perspective on the affair. Miller’s own disapproval of the political unrest of the 1950s is represented through Proctor's sarcastic tone; “I like not the smell of this authority”. Miller further disputes the repressive political atmosphere in the post-cold war period through the analogy; “Theology, sir, is a fortress”, as the ambiguous imagery of the fortress as both protective and imprisoning negatively represents the repression and forced singularity of thought evoked by McCarthyism. The analysis of the second technique (analogy) is fantastic, but I think you could go into more depth about the 'sarcasm' preceding it, or otherwise find another quote with a more solid technique to deconstruct. Great stuff. Miller negatively represents the corrupt political leaders who manipulate the theocratic agenda; “A person is either with this court or against it, there is no road between” where Danforth’s argument by absolutes asserts Miller’s disapproval of the repression in the 1950s which demanded a singularity of thought. Read this sentence out loud to yourself; I think it's a bit long and rambly, so perhaps turn it into two. I notice you use a lot of ; "Insert quote here". Maybe try to weave quotes into your sentences a bit more, as this is something markers specifically look for. Proctors exclamation against the court's “God is dead!” is representative of Miller’s disapproval of the morality which has been extinguished during the HUAC trials What is this? (Like I know what it is, but briefly explain for the less history-oriented marker); where repression forced a singularity of thought. Millers You've done this a few times, so I'll just mention that Miller's NEEDS AND APOSTROPHE! ultimate negative representation of his rejection of the unjust court system is through Elizabeth’s stringent tone “I cannot judge you, John”; where Miller’s main concept is represented to the audience – that an individual or institution cannot judge another person purely based on their political exertion. Similarly, George W Bush negatively represents the threat of terrorism by manipulating the direct communication with the audience. Through oversimplifying political realities, Bush negatively represents the political unrest; “the war against terrorism” asserts his political agenda whilst negatively representing the reality of terrorism as unjust. Bush's brutal theomorphic description of the enemy as "terrorist parasites" negatively represents you've used this phrase a number of times; think about creating some variation? the political turmoil which is a result of disruptive terror. Bush represents the brutal realities of terrorism by exemplifying emotive re-tells “a firefighter returns to ground zero...” to manipulate and shift the audience’s political stance. The negative propositions of the political distress of each composer’s context is represented through the manipulation of events to heighten each perspective based on context.
My main comment here would be... So? You've raised lots of really good, interesting points, and you've linked your set text and related text together really well. I can see your thesis forming; one about manipulation of the masses, control through fear, and unjust judgement, but I think it needs to be clear what conclusion you draw from this. Is Bush in the wrong? Should authors NOT manipulate their audience? Is Miller himself part of the problem, by manipulatively representing his opinions? Or is he satirising McCarther? I'm trying to push your thesis just that little bit further; potentially spend some time thinking about what your main argument is.
An individual’s motivation for personal gain is carried out through manipulation of the established political agenda. Miller’s disapproval of manipulating the political agenda for personal gain is represented by Miller through the tyrannic reign of Abigail; “Crazy children jangling the keys” is symbolic of the total immorality of Abigail’s motivation to condemn others, as “common vengeance writes the law” Go into this further; how did you decide this was a symbol?. Miller represents the unjust court system I assume you're just talking about HUAC; maybe don't attack the ENTIRE court system (I'm a law student, so I'm a little touchy about this). through a parallel of Hale with Pontius Pilate – the allusion to the unjust biblical figure is Miller’s disapproval of the immoral manipulation for personal gain by political leaders. The unjust preservation of the theocratic status quo is represented in the stage direction “...exact loyalty to his position and cause”; Miller is representing the total subservience of the population to authority, which has hence resulted in suppression of individuality. I'll admit to being a little lost about WHO is being oppressed here; is it the girls by Abigail? The town by religion? All the of the above? Miller, through dramatic manipulation of setting, lighting and events in Act 4 (Make sure to use IV, teachers love that shit), represents his disapproval of the workings of the courts as totally invalid, “high barred windows, heavy doors. Darkness” where individuals are only motivated by personal gain, and the satirical description of the court marshal’s as “drunk and heavy footed” symbolically undermines the political legitimacy of the court leaders who are motivated by personal gain and represents the moral context of the 1950s as repressive. Miller represents his own refusal to be condemned by the repression of his moral context through Proctor’s cathartic moment – “I have given my soul, leave me my name!” which represents the necessity of a strong sense of self and personal integrity in the court systems. Try mixing up your analysis structure every now and again; ie. analysis first, quote later, with the quote weaved into the sentence. Likewise, Bush’s motivation for political status is achieved through manipulation of events “...Michael, a CIA officer who died…” and is a positive representation of his own political authority though assuring tone “...I assure you and all who have lost...”. Bush’s use of low modality language; “It costs a lot to fight this war” manipulates the audience as it provides a more accessible and positive representation of his abilities to combat the fear evoked by terrorism, and thus, fuels his motivation to gain political authority. Bush positively represents his own political agenda through inclusive language “we” – inclusion manipulates the audience into shifting political stance whilst catering to fulfilling Bush’s own motivation. Bush fuels his political motivation through listing “first, we shut down camps, second, we prevent...” which represents his political agenda to the audience as accessible, and thus, trustworthy. Miller and Bush both represent the impact of personal motivation in political manoeuvres – where miller condemns the unjust manipulation, Bush exerts his motives on the public through manipulating complex decisions as ones which are inclusive and understandable.
I think your analysis is great, the quotes you've chosen are perfect, and your tone is exactly what it needs to be. My main comments would be about bringing your thesis to the absolute forefront of your argument, and a bit about structure. I think you need to clarify for yourself what your thesis is; try writing it down in one or two sentences. Then, go back and highlight everywhere you directly relate argument to that thesis. Where there are areas without much highlighting, draw argument back to the question. In terms of structure, I'm not seeing a clear conclusion here (Maybe you just haven't finished?). Bring your argument to a close, maybe include a call to arms (OVERTHROW TYRANNICAL DICTATORS OF WORDS!!!!) and you're golden. Really good work overall, and I'm a fan of using Bush's speeches!
Post by: jakesilove on September 30, 2016, 11:17:28 am
Hi! This is my module B essay for speeches
Okay so I wrote this right, and the teacher said it was catastrophic, she told me to rewrite it, so i did and she said it was still convoluted like she said my textual evidence was there but it was convoluted? I have no idea what that means and she told me to rewrite it or just pick another essay question to do
I dont have the heart to do another question, these essays drain my life force from me, so idk can you guys please mark it and tell me what my problem is?because i have no clue what it is , Thanks in advance :)
Hey! Check out my comments below :)
Original
Spoiler
2010: The speeches set for study continue to engage readers through its rhetorical treatment of human aspirations and beliefs.” In light of your critical study does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of these speeches
Mankind’s desire to strive for advancement and take action on their beliefs, results in the emergence of individuals to communicate these sentiments through a vocal medium. Consequently, Aristotelian appeals to the audiences pathos and ethos cause listeners to engage with the speaker. The persuasion of audiences to explore and understand human aspirations and beliefs is reflected in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, Margaret Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses and Noel Pearson’s An Australian history for us all.
Despite living in poverty, individuals who improve their circumstances and through their determination, pursue literature hope to attain this through education. This is illustrated in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, which engages listeners by deftly evoking pathos within them as she the struggles for children in Zimbabwe, to satiate their “hunger of books,” as a result of having a rather minimal exposure to them. The children’s determination to obtain literature is exemplified in the irony of “They taught us to read but we have no books.” The ironic statement signifies the metaphor of the children being “a goat trying to find sustenance in some aged grass,” thus highlighting the perseverance of these individuals to attain their aspiration of education despite no resources. By integrating Monroe’s visualisation of the “dream of possibilities,” the Zimbabwean’s have, “great hunger for education in Africa,” Lessing integrates Campbell’s utilisation of appeals to arouse emotion including guilt, as audiences reflect and reevaluate the privileged lifestyle taken for granted. Lessing, reinforces to her audience the current generation’s complacency through the juxtaposition of the children in Zimbabwe “begging for books” and the children in London who “never read at all, and the library is only half used.” Thus, Lessing calls listener’s to action concerning education and its value for those in impoverished nations Conclusively, Lessing’s rhetorical treatment of the aspirations and beliefs for a better future by gaining knowledge, transcends time engaging audiences to reflect the value of education and be appreciative
Conversely, Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses, despite utilising a different rhetorical approach and core message, there are similar beliefs and aspirations. Atwood does not initiate a call to action by her audience but rather be persuaded of the need for equal representation of women in literature. Her intertextual reference to “Ophelia and Lady Macbeth,” the epitome of good and evil respectively, validates her argument on the paradoxical “angel/whore split” in literature. Hence, the overarching one dimensional portrayal of females, is Atwood’s discourse focus and the recognition of the multi-faceted nature of women. Atwood’s aspiration to have more multivariate women in text is shown through repetition and the motif of “spotty.” This establishes universal ethos in her recognition of the reality that women are layered individuals with flaws. Contrastingly, whilst Atwood aims to convey her belief and aspiration for global female equality in literature, Lessing’s western aspiration is for the appreciation for knowledge is limited. Moreover, Atwood’s integration of Cicero’s idea of leaving the audience with a lasting impression, is reflected in her conclusion of a testimony from Dame Rebecca West, of “Ladies of Great Britain…we have not enough evil in us,” detailing the limitation on female expression that misrepresentation in literature has caused. Thus, Atwood implores audiences and writers to embrace which explore these aspects and develop their characters wholly, rather than simply focusing on overused archetypes. Similarly, the artistic and intellectual qualities of Lessing’s address is able to engage her audience, to explore the multifaceted value of education through her inclusion of the contrasting lifestyles and aspirations of the children in Africa and children in the west. Therefore, both speeches implore audiences to go further than to accept things at face value, to fully examine the various facets either education or women have to offer. Thus, Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses, elucidates through the rhetorical treatment, her aspiration and beliefs to transform the representation of women in literature.
Additionally, the engagement of audiences through the rhetorical treatment of the prevailing problems in a society, encourages individuals to develop discourses to recognise these issues. Pearson’s An Australian history for us all, details his aspiration for the non-indigenous Australian’s to acknowledge the controversial issue of Indigenous Australia’s past and move towards reconciliation. Presented as a response to John Howard’s accusation that historians were creating a “black armband” view of Australian history, placing unnecessary guilt on Australians. Pearson’s address acts as a to engage the Australian community, to his belief of the recognition of Aboriginal issues. Similarly, both Atwood and Lessing’s speeches aspire for individuals to have an increased recognition of their respective feminist and educational perspectives. Pearson’s discourse integrates Monroe’s visualisation of Australia’s “racist, bigoted past,” to highlight the need for acknowledgement of European settler’s actions in Australia. By highlighting the past injustices committed in the repetition of “you” and emotive language in “you have taken our land”, pathos is evoked within the non-indigenous audience. The second person language forces reflection on past wrongs almost personally. Likewise, Lessing also evokes pathos within her audience by describing the conditions and hardships of the children in Zimbabwe as they aspire to learn, thus causing her audience, like Pearson’s to re-evaluate their existing perspectives. Furthermore, Pearson’s extended metaphor in “Will you by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your father’s?” spurs the audience to take action and concur with Pearson’s thesis to acknowledging the past and take corrective action to repair the damaged relationship. The rhetorical question challenges listener’s pre-existing beliefs of the “hot button issue” of Australia’s alleged “black armband view of history,” to engage with Pearson’s aspiration for recognition of Australia’s Indigenous past and preventing the politicisation of Aboriginal issues. Atwood, similarly confronts her audience in her conclusion “Ladies of Great Britain…we have not enough evil in us,” challenging her listeners like Pearson, to take action on the misrepresentation of women and follow through on her belief of equality in literature. Similar to Atwood’s and Pearson’s engagement of their audiences through questioning pre-conceived notions, Lessing also challenges her audience to re-evaluate their value for education, and engage in her belief for appreciation of education. Conclusively, through Pearson’s artistic and intellectual integration through his speech, verifying his aspiration and beliefs for the recognition of Australia’s past, Pearson is able to successfully engages listeners.
Ultimately, the employment of Aristotelian Appeals and the theories of rhetoric skillfully used in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, Margaret Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses and Noel Pearson’s An Australian history for us all, successfully engage the audience to empathise and be persuaded by the speaker’s aspirations and beliefs in their respective addresses.
Mankind’s desire to strive for advancement and take action on their beliefs, results in the emergence of individuals to communicate these sentiments through a vocal medium. Consequently, Aristotelian appeals to the audiences pathos and ethos cause listeners to engage with the speaker. The persuasion of audiences to explore and understand human aspirations and beliefs is reflected in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, Margaret Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses and Noel Pearson’s An Australian history for us all.
Despite living in poverty, individuals who improve their circumstances and through their determination, pursue literature hope to attain this through education. This is illustrated in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, which engages listeners by deftly evoking pathos within them as she the struggles for children in Zimbabwe, to satiate their “hunger of books,” as a result of having a rather minimal exposure to them. The children’s determination to obtain literature is exemplified in the irony of “They taught us to read but we have no books.” The ironic statement signifies the metaphor of the children being “a goat trying to find sustenance in some aged grass,” thus highlighting the perseverance of these individuals to attain their aspiration of education despite no resources. By integrating Monroe’s visualisation of the “dream of possibilities,” the Zimbabwean’s have, “great hunger for education in Africa,” Lessing integrates Campbell’s utilisation of appeals to arouse emotion including guilt, as audiences reflect and reevaluate the privileged lifestyle taken for granted. Lessing, reinforces to her audience the current generation’s complacency through the juxtaposition of the children in Zimbabwe “begging for books” and the children in London who “never read at all, and the library is only half used.” Thus, Lessing calls listener’s to action concerning education and its value for those in impoverished nations Conclusively, Lessing’s rhetorical treatment of the aspirations and beliefs for a better future by gaining knowledge, transcends time engaging audiences to reflect the value of education and be appreciative
Conversely, Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses, despite utilising a different rhetorical approach and core message, there are similar beliefs and aspirations. Atwood does not initiate a call to action by her audience but rather be persuaded of the need for equal representation of women in literature. Her intertextual reference to “Ophelia and Lady Macbeth,” the epitome of good and evil respectively, validates her argument on the paradoxical “angel/whore split” in literature. Hence, the overarching one dimensional portrayal of females, is Atwood’s discourse focus and the recognition of the multi-faceted nature of women. Atwood’s aspiration to have more multivariate women in text is shown through repetition and the motif of “spotty.” This establishes universal ethos in her recognition of the reality that women are layered individuals with flaws. Contrastingly, whilst Atwood aims to convey her belief and aspiration for global female equality in literature, Lessing’s western aspiration is for the appreciation for knowledge is limited. Moreover, Atwood’s integration of Cicero’s idea of leaving the audience with a lasting impression, is reflected in her conclusion of a testimony from Dame Rebecca West, of “Ladies of Great Britain…we have not enough evil in us,” detailing the limitation on female expression that misrepresentation in literature has caused. Thus, Atwood implores audiences and writers to embrace which explore these aspects and develop their characters wholly, rather than simply focusing on overused archetypes. Similarly, the artistic and intellectual qualities of Lessing’s address is able to engage her audience, to explore the multifaceted value of education through her inclusion of the contrasting lifestyles and aspirations of the children in Africa and children in the west. Therefore, both speeches implore audiences to go further than to accept things at face value, to fully examine the various facets either education or women have to offer. Thus, Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses, elucidates through the rhetorical treatment, her aspiration and beliefs to transform the representation of women in literature.
Additionally, the engagement of audiences through the rhetorical treatment of the prevailing problems in a society, encourages individuals to develop discourses to recognise these issues. Pearson’s An Australian history for us all, details his aspiration for the non-indigenous Australian’s to acknowledge the controversial issue of Indigenous Australia’s past and move towards reconciliation. Presented as a response to John Howard’s accusation that historians were creating a “black armband” view of Australian history, placing unnecessary guilt on Australians. Pearson’s address acts as a to engage the Australian community, to his belief of the recognition of Aboriginal issues. Similarly, both Atwood and Lessing’s speeches aspire for individuals to have an increased recognition of their respective feminist and educational perspectives. Pearson’s discourse integrates Monroe’s visualisation of Australia’s “racist, bigoted past,” to highlight the need for acknowledgement of European settler’s actions in Australia. By highlighting the past injustices committed in the repetition of “you” and emotive language in “you have taken our land”, pathos is evoked within the non-indigenous audience. The second person language forces reflection on past wrongs almost personally. Likewise, Lessing also evokes pathos within her audience by describing the conditions and hardships of the children in Zimbabwe as they aspire to learn, thus causing her audience, like Pearson’s to re-evaluate their existing perspectives. Furthermore, Pearson’s extended metaphor in “Will you by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your father’s?” spurs the audience to take action and concur with Pearson’s thesis to acknowledging the past and take corrective action to repair the damaged relationship. The rhetorical question challenges listener’s pre-existing beliefs of the “hot button issue” of Australia’s alleged “black armband view of history,” to engage with Pearson’s aspiration for recognition of Australia’s Indigenous past and preventing the politicisation of Aboriginal issues. Atwood, similarly confronts her audience in her conclusion “Ladies of Great Britain…we have not enough evil in us,” challenging her listeners like Pearson, to take action on the misrepresentation of women and follow through on her belief of equality in literature. Similar to Atwood’s and Pearson’s engagement of their audiences through questioning pre-conceived notions, Lessing also challenges her audience to re-evaluate their value for education, and engage in her belief for appreciation of education. Conclusively, through Pearson’s artistic and intellectual integration through his speech, verifying his aspiration and beliefs for the recognition of Australia’s past, Pearson is able to successfully engages listeners.
Ultimately, the employment of Aristotelian Appeals and the theories of rhetoric skillfully used in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, Margaret Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses and Noel Pearson’s An Australian history for us all, successfully engage the audience to empathise and be persuaded by the speaker’s aspirations and beliefs in their respective addresses.
With comments
Spoiler
2010: The speeches set for study continue to engage readers through its rhetorical treatment of human aspirations and beliefs.” In light of your critical study does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of these speeches
Mankind’s desire to strive for advancement and take action on their beliefs, results in the emergence of individuals to communicate these sentiments through a vocal medium. Great introductory line! Consequently, Aristotelian appeals to the audience's make sure to always include apostrophe's here! pathos and ethos cause listeners to engage with the speaker. The persuasion of audiences to explore and understand human aspirations and beliefs is reflected in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, Margaret Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses and Noel Pearson’s An Australian history for us all. In your introduction, you need to go into a little bit more depth regarding each of the texts. Even just a few words on each, stating their context, purpose, result, etc. etc. You just need to actually INTRODUCE the text, rather than just state it's name. Also, I'm not sure how it works for speeches, but I think you need to underline their names! Great intro overall.
Despite living in poverty, individuals who improve their circumstances and through their determination, pursue literature hope to attain this through education. This sentence is definitely more complicated than it needs to be. I get what you're saying; those who struggle in society, and find themselves drawn to literature, realise the importance of education. Maybe clear it up a little! This is illustrated in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, which engages listeners by deftly evoking pathos within them as shethe struggles for children in Zimbabwe, to satiate their “hunger of books,” as a result of having a rather minimal exposure to them. Analyse this "Hunger"; obviously it is a metaphor, but it's a very good one, given your introductory sentence to this paragraph. Never leave a quote unanalysed! The children’s determination to obtain literature is exemplified in the irony of “They taught us to read but we have no books.” The ironic statement signifies the metaphor of the children being “a goat trying to find sustenance in some aged grass,” thus highlighting the perseverance of these individuals to attain their aspiration of education despite no resources. By integrating Monroe’s visualisation of the “dream of possibilities,” the Zimbabwean’s have, “great hunger for education in Africa,” Reread this sentence, and figure out if you can clean it up a bit (Also, add a full stop etc.). I think you need to make absolutely clear what you are trying to say, before you say this. It’s a great essay so far, and your analysis is on point. However, I think your thesis could come out stronger. Write your thesis down, in one or two sentences. Then, go through the essay and make SURE to always be linking your argument BACK to the thesis. Lessing integrates Campbell’s utilisation of appeals to arouse emotion including guilt, as audiences reflect and reevaluate the privileged lifestyle taken for granted. Lessing, reinforces to her audience the current generation’s complacency through the juxtaposition of the children in Zimbabwe “begging for books” and the children in London who “never read at all, and the library is only half used.” Thus, Lessing calls listener’s to action concerning education and its value for those in impoverished nations Conclusively, Lessing’s rhetorical treatment of the aspirations and beliefs for a better future by gaining knowledge, transcends time engaging audiences to reflect the value of education and be appreciative. I definitely don’t feel like the thesis comes out strongly in the second half of this paragraph. You appear to be comparing texts, and that’s great, but you’re doing it without a point in mind. Just stating similarities isn’t enough; WHY does it matter that they evoke similar themes? Does it say something about our underlying humanity (clue: yes). Also, try to find a difference between the texts, even if you only use that in a sentence. Anyone can find similarities; it takes a great essay to identify differences.
Conversely, Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses, despite utilising a different rhetorical approach and core message, there are similar beliefs and aspirations. This isn’t ‘conversely’, this is ‘similarly’ Atwood does not initiate a call to action by her audience but rather be persuaded of the need for equal representation of women in literature. Her intertextual reference to “Ophelia and Lady Macbeth,” the epitome of good and evil respectively, Potentially add some nuance here; they aren’t really the epitome of anything, but complex characters in and of themselves. Still, I like the sentence. validates her argument on the paradoxical “angel/whore split” in literature. Hence, the overarching one dimensional portrayal of females, is Atwood’s discourse focus and the recognition of the multi-faceted nature of women. Atwood’s aspiration to have more multivariate women in text is shown through repetition and the motif of “spotty.” This establishes universal ethos in her recognition of the reality that women are layered individuals with flaws. I like your analysis, despite whatever your teacher has said. I would say it is all quite disjointed, though, because I don’t know what you’re trying to PROVE to me. At the moment, you’re just analysing the texts individually, but there must be a REASON you chose the texts, a REASON you chose the quotes. Again, spend some time uncovering your thesis! Contrastingly, whilst Atwood aims to convey her belief and aspiration for global female equality in literature, Lessing’s western aspiration is for the appreciation for knowledge is limited. Moreover, Atwood’s integration of Cicero’s idea of leaving the audience with a lasting impression, is reflected in her conclusion of a testimony from Dame Rebecca West, of “Ladies of Great Britain…we have not enough evil in us,” detailing the limitation on female expression that misrepresentation in literature has caused. Thus, Atwood implores audiences and writers to embrace which explore these aspects and develop their characters wholly, rather than simply focusing on overused archetypes. Read this sentence out loud; it doesn’t quite make sense. Similarly, the artistic and intellectual qualities of Lessing’s address is able to engage her audience, to explore the multifaceted value of education through her inclusion of the contrasting lifestyles and aspirations of the children in Africa and children in the west. Therefore, both speeches implore audiences to go further than to accept things at face value, to fully examine the various facets either education or women have to offer. Thus, Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses, elucidates through the rhetorical treatment, her aspiration and beliefs to transform the representation of women in literature. The end of this paragraph seems to have finally explained what all this analysis is about, which is great! Just scatter thesis statements like this around the entire thing
Additionally, the engagement of audiences through the rhetorical treatment of the prevailing problems in a society, encourages individuals to develop discourses to recognise these issues. Pearson’s An Australian history for us all, details his aspiration for the non-indigenous Australian’s to acknowledge the controversial issue of Indigenous Australia’s past and move towards reconciliation. Presented as a response to John Howard’s accusation that historians were creating a “black armband” view of Australian history, placing unnecessary guilt on Australians. This sentence starts, but doesn’t end! Pearson’s address acts as a to engage the Australian community, to his belief of the recognition of Aboriginal issues. Similarly, both Atwood and Lessing’s speeches aspire for individuals to have an increased recognition of their respective feminist and educational perspectives. Pearson’s discourse integrates Monroe’s visualisation of Australia’s “racist, bigoted past,” to highlight the need for acknowledgement of European settler’s actions in Australia. By highlighting the past injustices committed in the repetition of “you” and emotive language in “you have taken our land”, pathos is evoked within the non-indigenous audience. The second person language forces reflection on past wrongs almost personally. Go into a bit more depth in analysing these quoets Likewise, Lessing also evokes pathos within her audience by describing the conditions and hardships of the children in Zimbabwe as they aspire to learn, thus causing her audience, like Pearson’s to re-evaluate their existing perspectives. Furthermore, Pearson’s extended metaphor in “Will you by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your father’s?” spurs the audience to take action and concur with Pearson’s thesis to acknowledging the past and take corrective action to repair the damaged relationship. The rhetorical question challenges listener’s pre-existing beliefs of the “hot button issue” of Australia’s alleged “black armband view of history,” to engage with Pearson’s aspiration for recognition of Australia’s Indigenous past and preventing the politicisation of Aboriginal issues. Atwood, similarly confronts her audience in her conclusion “Ladies of Great Britain…we have not enough evil in us,” challenging her listeners like Pearson, to take action on the misrepresentation of women and follow through on her belief of equality in literature. Similar to Atwood’s and Pearson’s engagement of their audiences through questioning pre-conceived notions, Lessing also challenges her audience to re-evaluate their value for education, and engage in her belief for appreciation of education. Conclusively, through Pearson’s artistic and intellectual integration through his speech, verifying his aspiration and beliefs for the recognition of Australia’s past, Pearson is able to successfully engages listeners.
Ultimately, the employment of Aristotelian Appeals and the theories of rhetoric skillfully used in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, Margaret Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses and Noel Pearson’s An Australian history for us all, successfully engage the audience to empathise and be persuaded by the speaker’s aspirations and beliefs in their respective addresses.
Great analysis of quotes, and great unification of themes between texts. Basically, I would focus on a couple of things if I were you. Firstly, decide on your thesis and make sure commentary goes to your thesis every single paragraph, every single analysis, every single time. Secondly, read your sentences out loud; pause whenever there is a comma. I think some of the sentences don’t flow like you expect them to. Third, try to increase the comparison between texts. Rather than just do a bulk of the work on one text, then compare the others in a sentence or two, try to weave comparison throughout the text. Overall, a great response; good luck in these final stages! You’re almost there
Mankind’s desire to strive for advancement and take action on their beliefs, results in the emergence of individuals to communicate these sentiments through a vocal medium. Great introductory line! Consequently, Aristotelian appeals to the audience's make sure to always include apostrophe's here! pathos and ethos cause listeners to engage with the speaker. The persuasion of audiences to explore and understand human aspirations and beliefs is reflected in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, Margaret Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses and Noel Pearson’s An Australian history for us all. In your introduction, you need to go into a little bit more depth regarding each of the texts. Even just a few words on each, stating their context, purpose, result, etc. etc. You just need to actually INTRODUCE the text, rather than just state it's name. Also, I'm not sure how it works for speeches, but I think you need to underline their names! Great intro overall.
Despite living in poverty, individuals who improve their circumstances and through their determination, pursue literature hope to attain this through education. This sentence is definitely more complicated than it needs to be. I get what you're saying; those who struggle in society, and find themselves drawn to literature, realise the importance of education. Maybe clear it up a little! This is illustrated in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, which engages listeners by deftly evoking pathos within them as she
Conversely, Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses, despite utilising a different rhetorical approach and core message, there are similar beliefs and aspirations. This isn’t ‘conversely’, this is ‘similarly’ Atwood does not initiate a call to action by her audience but rather be persuaded of the need for equal representation of women in literature. Her intertextual reference to “Ophelia and Lady Macbeth,” the epitome of good and evil respectively, Potentially add some nuance here; they aren’t really the epitome of anything, but complex characters in and of themselves. Still, I like the sentence. validates her argument on the paradoxical “angel/whore split” in literature. Hence, the overarching one dimensional portrayal of females, is Atwood’s discourse focus and the recognition of the multi-faceted nature of women. Atwood’s aspiration to have more multivariate women in text is shown through repetition and the motif of “spotty.” This establishes universal ethos in her recognition of the reality that women are layered individuals with flaws. I like your analysis, despite whatever your teacher has said. I would say it is all quite disjointed, though, because I don’t know what you’re trying to PROVE to me. At the moment, you’re just analysing the texts individually, but there must be a REASON you chose the texts, a REASON you chose the quotes. Again, spend some time uncovering your thesis! Contrastingly, whilst Atwood aims to convey her belief and aspiration for global female equality in literature, Lessing’s western aspiration is for the appreciation for knowledge is limited. Moreover, Atwood’s integration of Cicero’s idea of leaving the audience with a lasting impression, is reflected in her conclusion of a testimony from Dame Rebecca West, of “Ladies of Great Britain…we have not enough evil in us,” detailing the limitation on female expression that misrepresentation in literature has caused. Thus, Atwood implores audiences and writers to embrace which explore these aspects and develop their characters wholly, rather than simply focusing on overused archetypes. Read this sentence out loud; it doesn’t quite make sense. Similarly, the artistic and intellectual qualities of Lessing’s address is able to engage her audience, to explore the multifaceted value of education through her inclusion of the contrasting lifestyles and aspirations of the children in Africa and children in the west. Therefore, both speeches implore audiences to go further than to accept things at face value, to fully examine the various facets either education or women have to offer. Thus, Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses, elucidates through the rhetorical treatment, her aspiration and beliefs to transform the representation of women in literature. The end of this paragraph seems to have finally explained what all this analysis is about, which is great! Just scatter thesis statements like this around the entire thing
Additionally, the engagement of audiences through the rhetorical treatment of the prevailing problems in a society, encourages individuals to develop discourses to recognise these issues. Pearson’s An Australian history for us all, details his aspiration for the non-indigenous Australian’s to acknowledge the controversial issue of Indigenous Australia’s past and move towards reconciliation. Presented as a response to John Howard’s accusation that historians were creating a “black armband” view of Australian history, placing unnecessary guilt on Australians. This sentence starts, but doesn’t end! Pearson’s address acts as a to engage the Australian community, to his belief of the recognition of Aboriginal issues. Similarly, both Atwood and Lessing’s speeches aspire for individuals to have an increased recognition of their respective feminist and educational perspectives. Pearson’s discourse integrates Monroe’s visualisation of Australia’s “racist, bigoted past,” to highlight the need for acknowledgement of European settler’s actions in Australia. By highlighting the past injustices committed in the repetition of “you” and emotive language in “you have taken our land”, pathos is evoked within the non-indigenous audience. The second person language forces reflection on past wrongs almost personally. Go into a bit more depth in analysing these quoets Likewise, Lessing also evokes pathos within her audience by describing the conditions and hardships of the children in Zimbabwe as they aspire to learn, thus causing her audience, like Pearson’s to re-evaluate their existing perspectives. Furthermore, Pearson’s extended metaphor in “Will you by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your father’s?” spurs the audience to take action and concur with Pearson’s thesis to acknowledging the past and take corrective action to repair the damaged relationship. The rhetorical question challenges listener’s pre-existing beliefs of the “hot button issue” of Australia’s alleged “black armband view of history,” to engage with Pearson’s aspiration for recognition of Australia’s Indigenous past and preventing the politicisation of Aboriginal issues. Atwood, similarly confronts her audience in her conclusion “Ladies of Great Britain…we have not enough evil in us,” challenging her listeners like Pearson, to take action on the misrepresentation of women and follow through on her belief of equality in literature. Similar to Atwood’s and Pearson’s engagement of their audiences through questioning pre-conceived notions, Lessing also challenges her audience to re-evaluate their value for education, and engage in her belief for appreciation of education. Conclusively, through Pearson’s artistic and intellectual integration through his speech, verifying his aspiration and beliefs for the recognition of Australia’s past, Pearson is able to successfully engages listeners.
Ultimately, the employment of Aristotelian Appeals and the theories of rhetoric skillfully used in Doris Lessing’s On not winning the Nobel Prize, Margaret Atwood’s Spotty-Handed Villainesses and Noel Pearson’s An Australian history for us all, successfully engage the audience to empathise and be persuaded by the speaker’s aspirations and beliefs in their respective addresses.
Great analysis of quotes, and great unification of themes between texts. Basically, I would focus on a couple of things if I were you. Firstly, decide on your thesis and make sure commentary goes to your thesis every single paragraph, every single analysis, every single time. Secondly, read your sentences out loud; pause whenever there is a comma. I think some of the sentences don’t flow like you expect them to. Third, try to increase the comparison between texts. Rather than just do a bulk of the work on one text, then compare the others in a sentence or two, try to weave comparison throughout the text. Overall, a great response; good luck in these final stages! You’re almost there
Spoiler
Post by: BPunjabi on September 30, 2016, 04:09:41 pm
Module A please. I find this the most difficult out of the three as I find the concept of leadership with political views a bit struggling, but here it goes. Thanks so much btw.
Does the treatment of personal morality in Julius Caesar and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the text's’ distinctive qualities?
Morals are distinctive qualities which every human possess, but how they choose to act upon it builds up and forms their character. Dramatic play, ‘Julius Caesar’ conveys this imposed idea of morals by forging the historical concept of the Roman monarch Julius Caesar with Shakespeare's political context, while focusing on a goodwill vs hatred and free will vs fortune approach. In comparison, political treatise ‘The Prince’ incorporates historical events aswell to evidently support the concepts put forward to running a perfect kingdom. As both texts use historical references to compare qualities exposed in righteous characters,
‘Julius Caesar’ is a dramatic play, written by William Shakespeare in 1599 depicting the historical monarch Julius Caesar whose life is influenced by the playwright’s, Elizabethan era political context. Shakespeare attempts to communicate to the audience his dilemmas with the ruling government which is implemented into the plays four main characters and the machiavellian choices they adopt. These four main characters are Antony, Brutus, Julius Caesar and Cassius who have opposing ideals of morality and good will vs hatred. Throughout the play, the evident power struggle between good and evil persists which reinforces ideas of morality and more importantly persuasion. In Antony's funeral speech (page 745), it is noticeable how Antony contains the qualities to seduce the fickle plebs in seeing the horror and mutiny behind Brutus’ act of murdering Caesar. The repetition of “Brutus was an honourable man” manipulates the situation relating to Shakespeare wanting to seduce his crowd into choosing a side within the play and their problems with the Queen. From this scene it is evident that Shakespeare attempts to beguile the crowd into realising the problems with the infamous Queen Elizabeth and how it could dramatically place England into turmoil if she suddenly dies without a heir.
In comparison is Niccolo Machiavelli's political treatise ‘The Prince’ written in 1509 for his lord, Lorenzo De Medici. During the composition of the Prince, Italy was in a turmoil state as Italian leaders were being assassinated and quickly replaced, similar to the concept presented in Shakespeare's play. Machiavelli himself was a political associate who had a strong relationship with the past governor of Italy though it broke after the new leader took back the reign and exiled Machiavelli. ‘The Prince’ specifically is a guideline contrasting the perfect handbook to running a kingdom. It seems that Machiavelli totally disregards morals if it means becoming the ideal ruler. Machiavelli believes that if a leader has the power to gain people's goodwill, then that ruler has no reason to fear hatred and conspiracies.I Goodwill is a political instrument which can insure stability of a Prince's reign, presented in the metaphor in “Better to have a name for miserliness, which breeds disgrace without hatred, than, in pursuing a name for liberality. The idea of breeding disgrace connects to Machiavelli's belief that Hatred will cause a civilization to worship and attempt to not disappoint the ruler as the goodwill with present a lenient affect. Medici had proven to have used this quality as he was feared by most of the Italian populace as his family was known for their brutal carnage.
The treatment of morals have various consequences which can heavily affect a society depending on how people use it. This concept is explored in both ‘Julius Caesar’ and ‘The Prince’ though they both hold opposing views on the idea of freewill vs fortune. From Shakespeare's various plays, it is evident that he supported fate in saying that it cannot be controlled but rather an enigma which is part of everybody's life. He would have had faith that England would rise up and surpass distress after the Queen's death. In ‘Julius Caesar’ Cassius expresses to Brutus using figurative language that “The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars, But in ourselves that we are underlings” (Act 1 Scene 2). In this scene, Cassius uses machiavellian manipulation to seduce Brutus into murdering Caesar, which is a sly act though may result in a good conclusion for all republicans.
From ‘The Prince’, it is gathered that Machiavelli believed that Free Will can conquer fortune as it is a person's ability and use of morals which can exceed enemies expectations to winning and controlling a populace. Machiavelli believes that free will should be controlled as free will of the masses brought most of the empires to fall. Personification in “for fortune is a woman and in order to be mastered she must be jogged and beaten” (chapter 25) uses hyperbole to express the eager and importance of how fortune must be dominated so free will can be achieved. As of analysing ‘The Prince’, it is noticeable how Machiavelli was using his sense of Free Will to seduce Medici into restoring his political role.
The use of morals derive from specific ethical qualities which produce certain types of characteristics for various personas. Through play ‘Julius Caesar’, Shakespeare uses the historical context of Caesar to possess the mind of his audience in realising complications arising from the threat of Queen Elizabeth. In comparison ‘the Prince’ highlights Machiavelli's ideas on free will vs fortune and how he believes it can sustain a kingdom in which he absolutely disregards morals.
Post by: jakesilove on September 30, 2016, 05:30:44 pm
Hi! I'd appreciate it heaps if someone could read over my Mod B essay. Firstly, I realise that my essay is about twice the length it should be (sorry!), but I wouldn't write all four paragraphs in an exam - I'd choose the ones most suited to the question (even still, the paragraphs are way too long, but I have so much to say for each point and don't know what to cut out!) Also, I'm generally ok at English and getting my points across clearly, but with this essay I had some real trouble so I'm not sure if it's the clearest essay ever (but also I wrote a generic essay, not according to a specific question, so that might help)... Anyway, I'd really appreciate any feedback you could give!SpoilerDisillusioned by conflicting Renaissance and Medieval worlds, Hamlet seeks control through developing a distinct personal identity. Unable to resolve the disparity between these value systems, Hamlet experiences internal conflict as he searches for answers to universal questions of fate, morality, corruption, revenge and duty. By subverting traditional tragic forms such as the revenge tragedy, Shakespeare demonstrates how the universal and seemingly irreconcilable values of duty and morality lead to Hamlet’s immense metaphysical anguish, inhibiting the deterministic action Hamlet strives for. While this internal conflict reflects the religious and moral upheaval of Elizabethan society at the turn of the 17th century, play’s textual integrity is evident as the universal values addressed continue to resound within contemporary audiences.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Hi! I'd appreciate it heaps if someone could read over my Mod B essay. Firstly, I realise that my essay is about twice the length it should be (sorry!), but I wouldn't write all four paragraphs in an exam - I'd choose the ones most suited to the question (even still, the paragraphs are way too long, but I have so much to say for each point and don't know what to cut out!) Also, I'm generally ok at English and getting my points across clearly, but with this essay I had some real trouble so I'm not sure if it's the clearest essay ever (but also I wrote a generic essay, not according to a specific question, so that might help)... Anyway, I'd really appreciate any feedback you could give!SpoilerDisillusioned by conflicting Renaissance and Medieval worlds, Hamlet seeks control through developing a distinct personal identity. Unable to resolve the disparity between these value systems, Hamlet experiences internal conflict as he searches for answers to universal questions of fate, morality, corruption, revenge and duty. By subverting traditional tragic forms such as the revenge tragedy, Shakespeare demonstrates how the universal and seemingly irreconcilable values of duty and morality lead to Hamlet’s immense metaphysical anguish, inhibiting the deterministic action Hamlet strives for. While this internal conflict reflects the religious and moral upheaval of Elizabethan society at the turn of the 17th century, play’s textual integrity is evident as the universal values addressed continue to resound within contemporary audiences.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
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Original essay
Spoiler
Disillusioned by conflicting Renaissance and Medieval worlds, Hamlet seeks control through developing a distinct personal identity. Unable to resolve the disparity between these value systems, Hamlet experiences internal conflict as he searches for answers to universal questions of fate, morality, corruption, revenge and duty. By subverting traditional tragic forms such as the revenge tragedy, Shakespeare demonstrates how the universal and seemingly irreconcilable values of duty and morality lead to Hamlet’s immense metaphysical anguish, inhibiting the deterministic action Hamlet strives for. While this internal conflict reflects the religious and moral upheaval of Elizabethan society at the turn of the 17th century, play’s textual integrity is evident as the universal values addressed continue to resound within contemporary audiences.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Essay with comments
Spoiler
Disillusioned by conflicting Renaissance and Medieval worlds, Hamlet seeks control through developing a distinct personal identity. It's possible you're confusing Hamlet and Shakespeare here. Can you make it clear that SHAKESPEARE was feeling conflicted in this time, and thus he created the character of Hamlet? But, can I say, this is an amazing intro sentence Unable to resolve the disparity between these value systems, Hamlet experiences internal conflict as he searches for answers to universal questions of fate, morality, corruption, revenge and duty. By subverting traditional tragic forms such as the revenge tragedy, Shakespeare demonstrates how the universal and seemingly irreconcilable values of duty and morality lead to Hamlet’s immense metaphysical anguish, inhibiting the deterministic action Hamlet strives for. While this internal conflict reflects the religious and moral upheaval of Elizabethan society at the turn of the 17th century, play’s textual integrity is evident as the universal values addressed continue to resound within contemporary audiences. Brilliant introduction. Genuinely incredible. Keep on doing what you're doing.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Just want to reiterate how great this is Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Rather than say 'In this scene', try placing it in the context of the play. That way, you don't 'break character'; you're analysing a story! Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, This is the exact sort of phrase I love to use; again, no negative comments, just keep on doing this. such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, "Soon after"? "Following this specific event"? Again, I would stray away from 'two scenes later', plus you get to show your knowledge of the plot! Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This sentence starts, but doesn't end This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Try to be more succinct when going through plot; you don't need to recount, just place, in time. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Brilliant paragraph. My only comment is that a strong thesis is not coming through to the extent that I think it could, and that is simply a result of the text not being a response to a specific question. Try working the paragraph to a number of questions, and just make sure that it still works in that context. That being said, I have no doubt you'll be able to succeed!
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. Repetition of 'social conventions': Avoid! He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. So? How is this specific quote relevant to your argument? Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
The problem is that I don't have much to comment on. Your analysis is fantastic, your techniques are complex, your language is on point. Your main flaw at this stage is building a thesis between paragraphs, but you couldn't really have done that without a question.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. How is the world corrupt? This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. I used a similar thesis in my HSC year. I think it would be clever to make clear the significance of what you're saying; Hamlet does not procrastinate (as every single student in NSW will claim); he merely underwent metamorphosis in a different sense than the classical 'action'. In conforming to this convention, he is BETRAYING himself. He is not a serial procrastinator; his values are just antipodes to the modern ethos. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. Outwardly, perhaps, but doesn't his entire demeanor change following the exchange? This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Bloody hell, that's some good stuff. I love overcomplicating an essay; that's how I got all of my marks Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Look, there's not much I can say. Practice working it to a thesis, cut down the word count a little, and keep on doing what you're doing. Congratulations on a fantastic essay.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Just want to reiterate how great this is Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Rather than say 'In this scene', try placing it in the context of the play. That way, you don't 'break character'; you're analysing a story! Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, This is the exact sort of phrase I love to use; again, no negative comments, just keep on doing this. such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, "Soon after"? "Following this specific event"? Again, I would stray away from 'two scenes later', plus you get to show your knowledge of the plot! Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This sentence starts, but doesn't end This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Try to be more succinct when going through plot; you don't need to recount, just place, in time. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Brilliant paragraph. My only comment is that a strong thesis is not coming through to the extent that I think it could, and that is simply a result of the text not being a response to a specific question. Try working the paragraph to a number of questions, and just make sure that it still works in that context. That being said, I have no doubt you'll be able to succeed!
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. Repetition of 'social conventions': Avoid! He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. So? How is this specific quote relevant to your argument? Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
The problem is that I don't have much to comment on. Your analysis is fantastic, your techniques are complex, your language is on point. Your main flaw at this stage is building a thesis between paragraphs, but you couldn't really have done that without a question.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. How is the world corrupt? This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. I used a similar thesis in my HSC year. I think it would be clever to make clear the significance of what you're saying; Hamlet does not procrastinate (as every single student in NSW will claim); he merely underwent metamorphosis in a different sense than the classical 'action'. In conforming to this convention, he is BETRAYING himself. He is not a serial procrastinator; his values are just antipodes to the modern ethos. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. Outwardly, perhaps, but doesn't his entire demeanor change following the exchange? This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Bloody hell, that's some good stuff. I love overcomplicating an essay; that's how I got all of my marks Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Look, there's not much I can say. Practice working it to a thesis, cut down the word count a little, and keep on doing what you're doing. Congratulations on a fantastic essay.
Post by: jakesilove on September 30, 2016, 05:55:20 pm
Hey! Could you please give me some feedback on my Mod A essay,
Thanks, Sam
Hey Sam! Check my comments below :)
Original Essay
Spoiler
Texts are manifestations of their composer’s perspectives, and thus are influenced by the dominant political, cultural and social ideologies pervading the contexts in which they were created. The comparative study of George Orwell’s prose fiction ‘1984’ (1948) and Fritz Lang’s silent film “Metropolis” (1927), elucidates their similar perspectives on autocratic political regimes and their implications on humanity, due to similar contextual concerns in their respective post war contexts. Both Orwell and Lang explore the autocratic subjugation of humanity imposed by despotic political agendas and examine the role of the individual in repressed societies.
Both Orwell and Lang examine the suppression of humanity sanctioned by Totalitarianism, warning their audiences of the catastrophic ramifications of absolute power. Through ‘1984’ Orwell satirically denounces the corrosive implications of oppressive political regimes on society, incited by the regimes of Stalin, Franco and Mussolini which permeated Orwell’s post WW2 context. The motif of the Telescreens, “You had to assume every sound you made was overheard”, in conjunction with the Thought Police, depicts the outer party in a perpetual state of constant surveillance, mirroring the political repression employed by Stalin in Soviet Russia, specifically through the NKVD, thus highlighting the dilution and repression of free speech enforced by Totalitarianism. The employment of irony in the Party’s triptych slogan, ‘War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength,’ reveals the inversion of morality endorsed by the Party, and the exploitation of their absolute power, evoked by Orwell’s critical observations of visibly immoral political propaganda. Obrien’s metaphor, ‘if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever’, capturing the bleak tone induced by totalitarian regimes, and exposing the marginalisation of humanity, thus warning his audience on the corrosive nature of absolute power welded by totalitarian agendas like Stalinism.
In a similar way, Fritz Lang through ‘Metropolis’ strives to condemn the social and economic disparity compounded by political and social agendas, influenced by the growing capitalist influence on an economically vulnerable Germany who were under the Weimar Republic post WW1, and the morals associated with capitalism which Lang feared would overrun Germany. Like Orwell, Lang presents a dystopic perspective of society, juxtaposing the affluent minority of Metropolis with the majority of impoverished workers of Metropolis to illustrate the nature of societal subordination. Lang employs wide angle shots, used to depict the affluence of the people of Metropolis in their privileged settings, such as the Son’s Club, as well as key lighting and the ellipsis of night-time, to convey their idyllic lifestyle, whilst their extravagant white clothing symbolises purity and illustrious wealth. This is juxtaposed by the workers below the ground, who are captured shuffling in lifelessly in unison, conveying the stylistic influence of German Expressionism on Lang’s cinematography, and encapsulating the drudgery of the workers, evoking a sense of empathy towards the working class, both in the film and in the context of the Weimar Republic, conveying the degrading ramifications of social disparity. Their congruence of uniform, evident in the back overalls, illustrates the loss of identity imposed by the society, and conveys the commodification of the working class endorsed by capitalism. Thus Lang also illustrates the discriminatory nature that can manifest from segregated societies, condemning the segregation in the Weimar Republic and highlighting the need for change.
Additionally, both Orwell and Lang endorse the role of the individual in defying oppressive regimes. Through ‘1984’, Orwell endorses the salutary ramifications of humanity and connection in the face of oppressive and controlling regimes. This idea was evoked by Orwell’s personal context, in which he was growing fearful of a world devoid of humanity and the individual, catalysed by a USSR operating under an extreme interpretation of socialism. Orwell employs the metaphor,” Their embrace had been a battle, their climax a victory,” illustrating Winton’s conscious defiance of the party and underscoring the influence of humanity and connection. The recurring motif of the varicose ulcer on his ankle highlights Winston’s mortality, representing Winton’s rebelliousness as a manifestation of humanity rather than physical superiority, conveying the strength of humanity and individuality. The metaphor, ‘It was as though they were intentionally stepping nearer to their own graves’, portraying the innate danger of their relationship, reinforcing the strength of humanity and virtuous nature of human affection.
Alternatively, Lang also examines the value of the individual in diminishing social oppression, but in contrast to Orwell, seeks to warn against a rebellion, rather invoking the idea of a mediator to bring about social reform. This idea was evoked by the need for a mediator to enact change in the socially stratified, as well as Lang’s fears of a violent uprising from the working class. The juxtaposition of the thriving Metropolis at the beginning of the film, conveyed by the German Expression inspired lines and height of the skyscrapers symbolising might, and the Metropolis after the revolt of the workers, symbolised by the flooding of the city illustrates this idea. This conveys the dire consequences of this revolt, as well as highlighting the futility of their actions, as they destroyed what they once sought after, blinded by emotion evoked by false Maria. The frantic nature of the music emphasises the chaotic nature of the revolt, and the turmoil of Metropolis, which is emphasised by the shaky handheld camerawork, illustrating the futility of their act, initiated through the destruction of Metropolis, and positioning the audience to view Lang’s perspective on the detrimental effects of rebellion evoked through disillusionment.
Statue-Neptune/Poseidon-wealth.
Both Orwell and Lang examine the suppression of humanity sanctioned by Totalitarianism, warning their audiences of the catastrophic ramifications of absolute power. Through ‘1984’ Orwell satirically denounces the corrosive implications of oppressive political regimes on society, incited by the regimes of Stalin, Franco and Mussolini which permeated Orwell’s post WW2 context. The motif of the Telescreens, “You had to assume every sound you made was overheard”, in conjunction with the Thought Police, depicts the outer party in a perpetual state of constant surveillance, mirroring the political repression employed by Stalin in Soviet Russia, specifically through the NKVD, thus highlighting the dilution and repression of free speech enforced by Totalitarianism. The employment of irony in the Party’s triptych slogan, ‘War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength,’ reveals the inversion of morality endorsed by the Party, and the exploitation of their absolute power, evoked by Orwell’s critical observations of visibly immoral political propaganda. Obrien’s metaphor, ‘if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever’, capturing the bleak tone induced by totalitarian regimes, and exposing the marginalisation of humanity, thus warning his audience on the corrosive nature of absolute power welded by totalitarian agendas like Stalinism.
In a similar way, Fritz Lang through ‘Metropolis’ strives to condemn the social and economic disparity compounded by political and social agendas, influenced by the growing capitalist influence on an economically vulnerable Germany who were under the Weimar Republic post WW1, and the morals associated with capitalism which Lang feared would overrun Germany. Like Orwell, Lang presents a dystopic perspective of society, juxtaposing the affluent minority of Metropolis with the majority of impoverished workers of Metropolis to illustrate the nature of societal subordination. Lang employs wide angle shots, used to depict the affluence of the people of Metropolis in their privileged settings, such as the Son’s Club, as well as key lighting and the ellipsis of night-time, to convey their idyllic lifestyle, whilst their extravagant white clothing symbolises purity and illustrious wealth. This is juxtaposed by the workers below the ground, who are captured shuffling in lifelessly in unison, conveying the stylistic influence of German Expressionism on Lang’s cinematography, and encapsulating the drudgery of the workers, evoking a sense of empathy towards the working class, both in the film and in the context of the Weimar Republic, conveying the degrading ramifications of social disparity. Their congruence of uniform, evident in the back overalls, illustrates the loss of identity imposed by the society, and conveys the commodification of the working class endorsed by capitalism. Thus Lang also illustrates the discriminatory nature that can manifest from segregated societies, condemning the segregation in the Weimar Republic and highlighting the need for change.
Additionally, both Orwell and Lang endorse the role of the individual in defying oppressive regimes. Through ‘1984’, Orwell endorses the salutary ramifications of humanity and connection in the face of oppressive and controlling regimes. This idea was evoked by Orwell’s personal context, in which he was growing fearful of a world devoid of humanity and the individual, catalysed by a USSR operating under an extreme interpretation of socialism. Orwell employs the metaphor,” Their embrace had been a battle, their climax a victory,” illustrating Winton’s conscious defiance of the party and underscoring the influence of humanity and connection. The recurring motif of the varicose ulcer on his ankle highlights Winston’s mortality, representing Winton’s rebelliousness as a manifestation of humanity rather than physical superiority, conveying the strength of humanity and individuality. The metaphor, ‘It was as though they were intentionally stepping nearer to their own graves’, portraying the innate danger of their relationship, reinforcing the strength of humanity and virtuous nature of human affection.
Alternatively, Lang also examines the value of the individual in diminishing social oppression, but in contrast to Orwell, seeks to warn against a rebellion, rather invoking the idea of a mediator to bring about social reform. This idea was evoked by the need for a mediator to enact change in the socially stratified, as well as Lang’s fears of a violent uprising from the working class. The juxtaposition of the thriving Metropolis at the beginning of the film, conveyed by the German Expression inspired lines and height of the skyscrapers symbolising might, and the Metropolis after the revolt of the workers, symbolised by the flooding of the city illustrates this idea. This conveys the dire consequences of this revolt, as well as highlighting the futility of their actions, as they destroyed what they once sought after, blinded by emotion evoked by false Maria. The frantic nature of the music emphasises the chaotic nature of the revolt, and the turmoil of Metropolis, which is emphasised by the shaky handheld camerawork, illustrating the futility of their act, initiated through the destruction of Metropolis, and positioning the audience to view Lang’s perspective on the detrimental effects of rebellion evoked through disillusionment.
Statue-Neptune/Poseidon-wealth.
Essay with comments
Spoiler
Texts are manifestations of their composer’s perspectives, and thus are influenced by the dominant political, cultural and social ideologies pervading the contexts in which they were created. The comparative study of George Orwell’s prose fiction ‘1984’ (1948) and Fritz Lang’s silent film “Metropolis” (1927), elucidates their similar perspectives on autocratic political regimes and their implications on humanity, due to similar contextual concerns in their respective post war contexts. Both Orwell and Lang explore the autocratic subjugation of humanity imposed by despotic political agendas and examine the role of the individual in repressed societies.
Great intro! Make it really clear what themes you'll be discussing, but also what conclusion you will draw by a comparison of the texts. Sure, both might explore the same thing, but what do they say about that thing?
Both Orwell and Lang examine the suppression of humanity sanctioned by Totalitarianism, warning their audiences of the catastrophic ramifications of absolute power. Through ‘1984’ Orwell satirically denounces the corrosive implications of oppressive political regimes on society, incited by the regimes of Stalin, Franco and Mussolini which permeated Orwell’s post WW2II context. The motif of the Telescreens, “You had to assume every sound you made was overheard”, in conjunction with the Thought Police, depicts the outer party in a perpetual state of constant surveillance, mirroring the political repression employed by Stalin in Soviet Russia, specifically through the NKVD, thus highlighting the dilution and repression of free speech enforced by Totalitarianism. I agree that this is the depiction, but it's certainly not a technique. Maybe an allusion? You need to make sure you're making a textual analysis, not a historical analysis, when dealing with quotes (although both is probably good as well). The employment of irony Is it irony? Or oxymoronic in the Party’s triptych slogan, ‘War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength,’ reveals the inversion of morality endorsed by the Party, and the exploitation of their absolute power, evoked by Orwell’s critical observations of visibly immoral political propaganda. Again, I need greater analysis of the language techniques present. 'Rule of threes' is actually a technique, lending power to the quote. Obrien’s O'Brien? metaphor, ‘if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever’, capturing the bleak tone induced by totalitarian regimes, and exposing the marginalisation of humanity, thus warning his audience on the corrosive nature of absolute power welded by totalitarian agendas like Stalinism. This is a great quote; go into depth about the importance of metaphor, the potential hyperbole, the military imagery. Your tone is great, the quotes you've chosen are perfect, your discussion of context is brilliant, but you can't forget that this is an English essay!
In a similar way, Fritz Lang through ‘Metropolis’ strives to condemn the social and economic disparity compounded by political and social agendas, influenced by the growing capitalist influence on an economically vulnerable Germany who were under the Weimar Republic post WW1, and the morals associated with capitalism which Lang feared would overrun Germany. Like Orwell, Lang presents a dystopic perspective of society, juxtaposing the affluent minority of Metropolis with the majority of impoverished workers of Metropolis to illustrate the nature of societal subordination. What does this say about humanity? How does this add to your thesis? I think you need to write down your explicit thesis, and make sure to consistently go back and refer to it. Your argument is great, and persuasive, but it doesn't feel unified. Lang employs wide angle shots, used to depict the affluence of the people of Metropolis in their privileged settings, such as the Son’s Club, as well as key lighting and the ellipsis of night-time, to convey their idyllic lifestyle, whilst their extravagant white clothing symbolises purity and illustrious wealth. This sentence is way too long; can you break it into two? This is juxtaposed by the workers below the ground, who are captured shufflingin lifelessly in unison, conveying the stylistic influence of German Expressionism on Lang’s cinematography, and encapsulating the drudgery of the workers, evoking a sense of empathy towards the working class, both in the film and in the context of the Weimar Republic, conveying the degrading ramifications of social disparity. Same problem. Shorten the sentence Their congruence of uniform, evident in the b?ack overalls, illustrates the loss of identity imposed by the society, and conveys the commodification of the working class endorsed by capitalism. Thus Lang also illustrates the discriminatory nature that can manifest from segregated societies, condemning the segregation in the Weimar Republic and highlighting the need for change. See my point about thesis above.
Additionally, both Orwell and Lang endorse the role of the individual in defying oppressive regimes. Through ‘1984’, Orwell endorses the salutary ramifications of humanity and connection in the face of oppressive and controlling regimes. This idea was evoked by Orwell’s personal context, in which he was growing fearful of a world devoid of humanity and the individual, catalysed by a USSR operating under an extreme interpretation of socialism. Orwell employs the metaphor,” Their embrace had been a battle, their climax a victory,” illustrating Winton’s conscious defiance of the party and underscoring the influence of humanity and connection. Just something to think about; thematically, does Orwell draw the conclusion that these moments are so significant? They both turn on each other, are destroyed by their society, and become emotionless zombies. Their journey is almost meaningless. Can you draw any conclusions from that? The recurring motif of the varicose ulcer on his ankle highlights Winston’s mortality, representing Winton’s rebelliousness as a manifestation of humanity rather than physical superiority, conveying the strength of humanity and individuality. Make this clearer; it is his EXISTENCE, not physically but emotionally/psychologically that is important here. We can all rebel, no matter what our condition. The metaphor, ‘It was as though they were intentionally stepping nearer to their own graves’, portraying the innate danger of their relationship, reinforcing the strength of humanity and virtuous nature of human affection.
Great paragraph, and your analysis certainly got better and more specific. Try to draw on the theme more, so it feels like your building an argument. Great work though.
Alternatively, [Similarly?] Lang also examines the value of the individual in diminishing social oppression, but in contrast to Orwell, seeks to warn against a rebellion, rather invoking the idea of a mediator to bring about social reform. Brilliant. It takes a good author to compare similarities of work, but it takes a great author to display differences This idea was evoked by the need for a mediator to enact change in the socially stratified, as well as Lang’s fears of a violent uprising from the working class. The juxtaposition of the thriving Metropolis at the beginning of the film, conveyed by the German Expression inspired lines and height of the skyscrapers symbolising might, and the Metropolis after the revolt of the workers, symbolised by the flooding of the city illustrates this idea. This conveys the dire consequences of this revolt, as well as highlighting the futility of their actions, as they destroyed what they once sought after, blinded by emotion evoked by false Maria. The frantic nature of the music emphasises the chaotic nature of the revolt, and the turmoil of Metropolis, which is emphasised by the shaky handheld camerawork, illustrating the futility of their act, initiated through the destruction of Metropolis, and positioning the audience to view Lang’s perspective on the detrimental effects of rebellion evoked through disillusionment.
Great essay (with presumably a conclusion to come). My main points are all above; work on your textual analysis of quotes, and bring everything together into a unifying thesis. Really great work, and I especially love the breadth and depth of your knowledge, which will be applicable to any question they throw at you!
Statue-Neptune/Poseidon-wealth.
Great intro! Make it really clear what themes you'll be discussing, but also what conclusion you will draw by a comparison of the texts. Sure, both might explore the same thing, but what do they say about that thing?
Both Orwell and Lang examine the suppression of humanity sanctioned by Totalitarianism, warning their audiences of the catastrophic ramifications of absolute power. Through ‘1984’ Orwell satirically denounces the corrosive implications of oppressive political regimes on society, incited by the regimes of Stalin, Franco and Mussolini which permeated Orwell’s post WW
In a similar way, Fritz Lang through ‘Metropolis’ strives to condemn the social and economic disparity compounded by political and social agendas, influenced by the growing capitalist influence on an economically vulnerable Germany who were under the Weimar Republic post WW1, and the morals associated with capitalism which Lang feared would overrun Germany. Like Orwell, Lang presents a dystopic perspective of society, juxtaposing the affluent minority of Metropolis with the majority of impoverished workers of Metropolis to illustrate the nature of societal subordination. What does this say about humanity? How does this add to your thesis? I think you need to write down your explicit thesis, and make sure to consistently go back and refer to it. Your argument is great, and persuasive, but it doesn't feel unified. Lang employs wide angle shots, used to depict the affluence of the people of Metropolis in their privileged settings, such as the Son’s Club, as well as key lighting and the ellipsis of night-time, to convey their idyllic lifestyle, whilst their extravagant white clothing symbolises purity and illustrious wealth. This sentence is way too long; can you break it into two? This is juxtaposed by the workers below the ground, who are captured shuffling
Additionally, both Orwell and Lang endorse the role of the individual in defying oppressive regimes. Through ‘1984’, Orwell endorses the salutary ramifications of humanity and connection in the face of oppressive and controlling regimes. This idea was evoked by Orwell’s personal context, in which he was growing fearful of a world devoid of humanity and the individual, catalysed by a USSR operating under an extreme interpretation of socialism. Orwell employs the metaphor,” Their embrace had been a battle, their climax a victory,” illustrating Winton’s conscious defiance of the party and underscoring the influence of humanity and connection. Just something to think about; thematically, does Orwell draw the conclusion that these moments are so significant? They both turn on each other, are destroyed by their society, and become emotionless zombies. Their journey is almost meaningless. Can you draw any conclusions from that? The recurring motif of the varicose ulcer on his ankle highlights Winston’s mortality, representing Winton’s rebelliousness as a manifestation of humanity rather than physical superiority, conveying the strength of humanity and individuality. Make this clearer; it is his EXISTENCE, not physically but emotionally/psychologically that is important here. We can all rebel, no matter what our condition. The metaphor, ‘It was as though they were intentionally stepping nearer to their own graves’, portraying the innate danger of their relationship, reinforcing the strength of humanity and virtuous nature of human affection.
Great paragraph, and your analysis certainly got better and more specific. Try to draw on the theme more, so it feels like your building an argument. Great work though.
Alternatively, [Similarly?] Lang also examines the value of the individual in diminishing social oppression, but in contrast to Orwell, seeks to warn against a rebellion, rather invoking the idea of a mediator to bring about social reform. Brilliant. It takes a good author to compare similarities of work, but it takes a great author to display differences This idea was evoked by the need for a mediator to enact change in the socially stratified, as well as Lang’s fears of a violent uprising from the working class. The juxtaposition of the thriving Metropolis at the beginning of the film, conveyed by the German Expression inspired lines and height of the skyscrapers symbolising might, and the Metropolis after the revolt of the workers, symbolised by the flooding of the city illustrates this idea. This conveys the dire consequences of this revolt, as well as highlighting the futility of their actions, as they destroyed what they once sought after, blinded by emotion evoked by false Maria. The frantic nature of the music emphasises the chaotic nature of the revolt, and the turmoil of Metropolis, which is emphasised by the shaky handheld camerawork, illustrating the futility of their act, initiated through the destruction of Metropolis, and positioning the audience to view Lang’s perspective on the detrimental effects of rebellion evoked through disillusionment.
Great essay (with presumably a conclusion to come). My main points are all above; work on your textual analysis of quotes, and bring everything together into a unifying thesis. Really great work, and I especially love the breadth and depth of your knowledge, which will be applicable to any question they throw at you!
Statue-Neptune/Poseidon-wealth.
Post by: lozil on September 30, 2016, 07:55:54 pm
Hey! Check out some of my comments below :)
Original essaySpoilerDisillusioned by conflicting Renaissance and Medieval worlds, Hamlet seeks control through developing a distinct personal identity. Unable to resolve the disparity between these value systems, Hamlet experiences internal conflict as he searches for answers to universal questions of fate, morality, corruption, revenge and duty. By subverting traditional tragic forms such as the revenge tragedy, Shakespeare demonstrates how the universal and seemingly irreconcilable values of duty and morality lead to Hamlet’s immense metaphysical anguish, inhibiting the deterministic action Hamlet strives for. While this internal conflict reflects the religious and moral upheaval of Elizabethan society at the turn of the 17th century, play’s textual integrity is evident as the universal values addressed continue to resound within contemporary audiences.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Essay with commentsSpoilerDisillusioned by conflicting Renaissance and Medieval worlds, Hamlet seeks control through developing a distinct personal identity. It's possible you're confusing Hamlet and Shakespeare here. Can you make it clear that SHAKESPEARE was feeling conflicted in this time, and thus he created the character of Hamlet? But, can I say, this is an amazing intro sentence Unable to resolve the disparity between these value systems, Hamlet experiences internal conflict as he searches for answers to universal questions of fate, morality, corruption, revenge and duty. By subverting traditional tragic forms such as the revenge tragedy, Shakespeare demonstrates how the universal and seemingly irreconcilable values of duty and morality lead to Hamlet’s immense metaphysical anguish, inhibiting the deterministic action Hamlet strives for. While this internal conflict reflects the religious and moral upheaval of Elizabethan society at the turn of the 17th century, play’s textual integrity is evident as the universal values addressed continue to resound within contemporary audiences. Brilliant introduction. Genuinely incredible. Keep on doing what you're doing.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Just want to reiterate how great this is Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Rather than say 'In this scene', try placing it in the context of the play. That way, you don't 'break character'; you're analysing a story! Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, This is the exact sort of phrase I love to use; again, no negative comments, just keep on doing this. such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, "Soon after"? "Following this specific event"? Again, I would stray away from 'two scenes later', plus you get to show your knowledge of the plot! Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This sentence starts, but doesn't end This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Try to be more succinct when going through plot; you don't need to recount, just place, in time. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.
Brilliant paragraph. My only comment is that a strong thesis is not coming through to the extent that I think it could, and that is simply a result of the text not being a response to a specific question. Try working the paragraph to a number of questions, and just make sure that it still works in that context. That being said, I have no doubt you'll be able to succeed!
Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. Repetition of 'social conventions': Avoid! He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. So? How is this specific quote relevant to your argument? Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.
The problem is that I don't have much to comment on. Your analysis is fantastic, your techniques are complex, your language is on point. Your main flaw at this stage is building a thesis between paragraphs, but you couldn't really have done that without a question.
Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. How is the world corrupt? This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. I used a similar thesis in my HSC year. I think it would be clever to make clear the significance of what you're saying; Hamlet does not procrastinate (as every single student in NSW will claim); he merely underwent metamorphosis in a different sense than the classical 'action'. In conforming to this convention, he is BETRAYING himself. He is not a serial procrastinator; his values are just antipodes to the modern ethos. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. Outwardly, perhaps, but doesn't his entire demeanor change following the exchange? This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.
Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Bloody hell, that's some good stuff. I love overcomplicating an essay; that's how I got all of my marks Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.
+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)
Look, there's not much I can say. Practice working it to a thesis, cut down the word count a little, and keep on doing what you're doing. Congratulations on a fantastic essay.
Can I just say, to jakesilove and all the other national moderators, your feedback is so helpful and detailed - how do you have the time to read through every essay so thoroughly?? Do you get paid?? :P :D
Post by: jakesilove on September 30, 2016, 09:09:20 pm
Can I just say, to jakesilove and all the other national moderators, your feedback is so helpful and detailed - how do you have the time to read through every essay so thoroughly?? Do you get paid?? :P :D
I'm glad that you're getting so much out of the forums :) Part of our job at Atar Notes is to monitor and deal with the forums, but honestly it's usually so much fun that the whole 'job' thing doesn't even come into play. I feel like I had a lot of support in Year 12, and it's only fair that I pay that forward!
Post by: lozil on September 30, 2016, 09:53:11 pm
I'm glad that you're getting so much out of the forums :) Part of our job at Atar Notes is to monitor and deal with the forums, but honestly it's usually so much fun that the whole 'job' thing doesn't even come into play. I feel like I had a lot of support in Year 12, and it's only fair that I pay that forward!
Awesome, you guys help a lot!
Post by: Emerald99 on September 30, 2016, 10:54:50 pm
Post by: MCgunem on October 03, 2016, 03:09:55 pm
Thanks in advance.
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 03, 2016, 07:07:14 pm
Post by: zachary99 on October 04, 2016, 10:21:31 am
Mod C - People and politics
Q: Representations of people and politics inevitably involve the representation of important values. --- Evaluate this view
Individual motivations for control and the outworking of political action inevitably represent important human values. The values of immorality surrounding the pursuit of power and selflessness in ones actions are clearly portrayed through the representation of people and politics. Aldous Huxley's dystopian novel Brave New World (1932) and John Halax's animation Animal Farm (1954) both inevitably express important beliefs and morals as they represent the political ambitions of individuals. These ideas are depicted through the use of literary techniques and animation devices. Audiences are confronted with the portayal of juxtaposed values as the notion of political control and governance are represented.
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Post by: elysepopplewell on October 04, 2016, 02:06:51 pm
Hello, my name is Ryan and I was hoping that I could have the steaming piles of garbage some would call essay marked. It'll be fairly obvious that I'm not good at English. I'm not expecting to get an amazing in English so even if you could help me get these to a quality worth 70% or over I'd be over the moon.
Thanks in advance.
Hi there! We'd love to give you a hand, but we do require you have 15 posts before you get a full piece marked (you can read more about this in the link in my signature below) but you can absolutely post your thesis statement or any ideas you aren't sure about in our thesis statement thread over here so that we can give you some opinions in the mean time! :)
hey guys i need some help so i was wondering if you just check out my into (NOT a whole essay cause i know i dont have the 15 posts thing yet) and provide some feedback? Thanks
Hey there! You're so close to 15 posts! Will definitely take a look at this now :)
Mod C - People and politics
Q: Representations of people and politics inevitably involve the representation of important values. --- Evaluate this view Great question!
Individual motivations for control and the outworking of political action inevitably represents important human values. The values This is being super fussy, but you just ended a sentence with "values" and started the next with "values" - you do split it up with "the" so it's ok, but I think for guaranteed clarity and flow, I'd reconsider the wording :) of immorality surrounding the pursuit of power and selflessness in ones actions are clearly portrayed through the representation of people and politics. Aldous Huxley's dystopian novel Brave New World (1932) and John Halax's animation Animal Farm (1954) both inevitably express important beliefs and morals as they represent the political ambitions of individuals. These ideas are depicted through the use of literary techniques and animation devices. Audiences are confronted with the portayal of juxtaposed values as the notion of political control and governance are represented.
I thin this is really great because you've identified several types of values, and linked to the idea of people and politics really well throughout, without ever sounding repetitive. I know you're going to talk about immorality, pursuit of power, and selflessness. So I know what is yet to come! In saying that, the sentence about literary techniques and animation devices appears unnecessary. Unless your intention is to juxtapose the intentional differences in medium, then it isn't needed. If you are trying to highlight the differences in medium, I'd be inclined to give each text their own sentence and tag onto the end their medium and a specific idea they bring to the table about people and politics. Hopefully this helps! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 04, 2016, 02:12:18 pm
Module C Essay - attached
Hello. Can you please check my essay, I'm not a very good essay writer, and I want to know how I can improve my essay and what I can change.
Texts - Wag the Dog and The Island (Related)
Thank You
Hey there! On the forums, we only have one limitation to a service, and that is the requirement of 15 posts to get a full essay or creative marked. I think you'll be surprised how quickly you'll make it to 15 posts! You can read more about the service in the link in my signature. By all means though, post a paragraph or thesis statement for feedback, without any post requirement :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 04, 2016, 02:26:39 pm
Hey there! On the forums, we only have one limitation to a service, and that is the requirement of 15 posts to get a full essay or creative marked. I think you'll be surprised how quickly you'll make it to 15 posts! You can read more about the service in the link in my signature. By all means though, post a paragraph or thesis statement for feedback, without any post requirement :)
Im getting really confused now? I have posted my module response twice and It has not been responded to in four days.... i dont mean to be rude, but I am counting on these responses as the base ideas for my answers. Zachary99 posted after me so... If no one wants to mark it please tell me, so I dont waste my time waiting for a response.
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 04, 2016, 02:52:40 pm
Im getting really confused now? I have posted my module response twice and It has not been responded to in four days.... i dont mean to be rude, but I am counting on these responses as the base ideas for my answers. Zachary99 posted after me so... If no one wants to mark it please tell me, so I dont waste my time waiting for a response.
I will mark yours today BPunjabi. We held lectures over the weekend for HSC students which has caused a back log, I just marked the short ones between my Uni classes today and I'm saving your longer one for after my tutorial today so I can give you the proper time needed to mark a full length essay. Your work will be marked in the coming hours, I've started on it but felt like I needed to wait until I had proper time to allocate to you to give you the best feedback possible. It's coming! :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 04, 2016, 04:18:48 pm
I will mark yours today BPunjabi. We held lectures over the weekend for HSC students which has caused a back log, I just marked the short ones between my Uni classes today and I'm saving your longer one for after my tutorial today so I can give you the proper time needed to mark a full length essay. Your work will be marked in the coming hours, I've started on it but felt like I needed to wait until I had proper time to allocate to you to give you the best feedback possible. It's coming! :)
Thank you so much, was just getting a bit stressed that they were so bad, they wern't worth marking. Thanks for your time.
Post by: Lauradf36 on October 04, 2016, 04:29:36 pm
Hamlet is primarily concerned with the search for meaning in a corrupted world. The theme of corruption is explored in productions such as the Simon Russell Beale adaptation, where Hamlet expresses disgust at the disruption of the Great Chain of Being. This was a sense of moral order highly valued in Elizabethan times, with the king placed as the head of the Church, and thus an act of murder or treason against him was seen as a sin against God. Due to the subversion of this order through Old Hamlet’s murder, Hamlet perceives Elsinore to be “an unweeded garden that grows to seed, things rank and gross in nature possess it merely.” (1.2) The motif of dying vegetation is employed throughout the play to represent the decaying morality of the disrupted world. The metaphorical depiction of Elsinore “growing to seed” also suggests an aspect of wastefulness in this kingdom. Hamlet is later almost prophetic in his belief that this corruption will ultimately lead to death and destruction, stating that “Foul deeds will rise, though all the world o’whelm them to men’s eyes.” (1.2) Hamlet’s use of imperative language demonstrates his firm conviction in the “foul” corruption of Elsinore. The theme is hence integral to the play, and continues to have textual integrity to audiences today seeking meaning in a corrupted world.
Post by: zachary99 on October 04, 2016, 05:03:44 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 04, 2016, 07:50:45 pm
Hey Guys;
Module A please. I find this the most difficult out of the three as I find the concept of leadership with political views a bit struggling, but here it goes. Thanks so much btw.
Spoiler
Does the treatment of personal morality in Julius Caesar and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the text's’ distinctive qualities?
Morals are distinctive qualities which every human possess, but how they choose to act upon it builds up and forms their character. I don't think this is worded as well as it could be in the end part of the sentence here. "act upon it" doesn't sound as though it is relating to morals, but more emotion. Perhaps, "how an individual chooses to action their moral duties/compass/direction/sense..." Sheakespeare's Dramatic play, ‘Julius Caesar’ conveysthis the imposed idea of morals by forging the historical concept of the Roman monarch, Julius Caesar, with Shakespeare's political context, while focusing on a goodwill vs hatred and free will vs fortune approach. Probably will need some rewording so that we only say Shakespeare once but, it needs to be said at the start where I inserted it, and not at the end.In comparison, political treatise ‘The Prince’ Name the composer, and a date in brackets if available incorporates historical events as well to evidently support the concepts put forward to assist a leader/a monarch in running a perfect kingdom. As both texts use historical references to compare qualities exposed in righteous characters, Is this missing the end part?
‘Julius Caesar’ is a dramatic play, written by William Shakespeare in 1599 This information could and should be put in the introduction I think! That way you can get right into analysis here and the information won't take away from your points. depicting the historical monarch Julius Caesar whose life is influenced by the playwright’s, No need for a comma here. Elizabethan era political context. Shakespeare attempts to communicate to the audience his dilemmas with the ruling government which is implemented into the playpossessive apostrophe here.s four main characters and the machiavellian capitalise Machiavellian choices they adopt. These four main characters are Antony, Brutus, Julius Caesar and Cassius who have opposing ideals of morality and good will vs hatred. This sounds too introductory - your marker knows these characters and they won't need to be introduced to them by you :) Throughout the play, the evident power struggle between good and evil persists which reinforces ideas of morality and more importantly persuasion. In Antony's funeral speech (page 745) I'd suggest against page numbers because you haven't identified the edition of the book you are reading, so the page number doesn't mean much to a marker. Instead, I'd be inclined to just use a description of the scene, "the funeral scene" or "scene 5." , it is noticeable how Antony contains the qualities to seduce the fickle plebs in seeing the horror and mutiny behind Brutus’ act of murdering Caesar. At this point we are nearing towards the end of the paragraph and we haven't yet had anything to do with textual analysis. I'd be getting rid of the introductory details at the beginning, and instead concisely outlining in just one sentence that the characters are vehicles for the struggle between good and evil morality.The repetition of “Brutus was an honourable man” throughout the speech? manipulates the situation relating to Shakespeare wanting to seduce his crowd into choosing a side within the play and their problems with the Queen. From this scene it is evident that Shakespeare attempts to beguile the crowd into realising the problems with the infamous Queen Elizabeth and how it could dramatically place England into turmoil if she suddenly dies without a heir. This paragraph lacks concision and detail. The sentence at the beginning should identify the focus of the essay in relation to the essay question. Then, each sentence thereafter should either be detailing a specific example from the text with a technique, or explaining that technique in relation to the essay question. If your sentences aren't doing these, then they are waffling. So, I suggest cutting back on the first few sentences, and then hitting hard with the analysis. It is a Module A essay, so a sentence or two on context is fine as it is relevant.
In comparison What are you comparing? Not just the texts - because that is clear in the introduction. "In comparison to the use of characters as a vehicle for the struggle between..." or something like that. Be specific.is Niccolo Machiavelli's political treatise ‘The Prince’ written in 1509 Again, dates should be in the introduction :) for his lord, Lorenzo De Medici. During the composition of the Prince, Italy was in a turmoil state as Italian leaders were being assassinated and quickly replaced, similar to the concept presented in Shakespeare's play. Great link!Machiavelli himself was a political associate who had a strong relationship with the past governor of Italy though it broke the relationship broke? Try formalising this instead of being colloquial. after the new leader took back the reign and exiled Machiavelli. ‘The Prince’ specifically is a guideline contrasting the perfect handbook to running a kingdom. It seems that Machiavelli totally disregards morals if it means becoming the ideal ruler. Machiavelli believes that if a leader has the power to gain people's goodwill, then that ruler has no reason to fear hatred and conspiracies.I Goodwill is a political instrument which can insure stability of a Prince's reign, presented in the metaphor in “Better to have a name for miserliness, which breeds disgrace without hatred, than, in pursuing a name for liberality. Great use of embedded quote. The idea of breeding disgrace connects to Machiavelli's belief that Hatred will cause a civilization American spelling, you mean civilisation* to worship and attempt to not disappoint the ruler as the goodwill with present a lenient affect. Medici had proven to have used this quality as he was feared by most of the Italian populace as his family was known for their brutal carnage. Again we have a lot of placing the plot in context and only one piece of analysis. I'd be aiming for at least 3 per paragraph.
The treatment of morals have various consequences which can heavily affect a society depending on how people use it. Excellent thesis statement! Super clear.This concept is explored in both ‘Julius Caesar’ and ‘The Prince’ though they both hold opposing views on the idea of freewill vs vs is colloquial - try verse or "as opposed to" fortune. From Shakespeare's various plays, it is evident that he supported fate in saying that it cannot be controlled but rather an enigma which is part of everybody's life. "As is a common feature in other Shakespearean plays, fate remains as an enigmatic, uncontrollable aspect of human existence.He would have had faith that England would rise up and surpass distress after the Queen's death. In ‘Julius Caesar’ Cassius expresses to Brutus using figurative language that “The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars, But in ourselves that we are underlings” (Act 1 Scene 2). In this scene, Cassius uses machiavellian Machiavellian* manipulation to seduce Brutus into murdering Caesar, which is a sly act though may result in a good conclusion for all republicans.
From ‘The Prince’, it is gathered that Machiavelli believed that Free Will can conquer fortune as it is a person's ability and use of morals which can exceed enemies expectations to winning and controlling a populace. Machiavelli believes that free will should be controlled as free will of the masses brought most of the empires to fall. Personification in “for fortune is a woman and in order to be mastered she must be jogged and beaten” (chapter 25) uses hyperbole to express the eager and importance of how fortune must be dominated so free will can be achieved. As of analysing ‘The Prince’, it is noticeable how Machiavelli was using his sense of Free Will to seduce Medici into restoring his political role.
The use of morals derives from specific ethical qualities which produce certain types of characteristics for various personas. Through play ‘Julius Caesar’, Shakespeare uses the historical context of Caesar to possess the mind of his audience in realising complications arising from the threat of Queen Elizabeth. In comparison ‘the Prince’ highlights Machiavelli's ideas on free will vs fortune and how he believes it can sustain a kingdom in which he absolutely disregards morals. I'd put one more sentence here to tie it all together!
Morals are distinctive qualities which every human possess, but how they choose to act upon it builds up and forms their character. I don't think this is worded as well as it could be in the end part of the sentence here. "act upon it" doesn't sound as though it is relating to morals, but more emotion. Perhaps, "how an individual chooses to action their moral duties/compass/direction/sense..." Sheakespeare's Dramatic play, ‘Julius Caesar’ conveys
‘Julius Caesar’ is a dramatic play, written by William Shakespeare in 1599 This information could and should be put in the introduction I think! That way you can get right into analysis here and the information won't take away from your points. depicting the historical monarch Julius Caesar whose life is influenced by the playwright’s, No need for a comma here. Elizabethan era political context. Shakespeare attempts to communicate to the audience his dilemmas with the ruling government which is implemented into the playpossessive apostrophe here.s four main characters and the machiavellian capitalise Machiavellian choices they adopt. These four main characters are Antony, Brutus, Julius Caesar and Cassius who have opposing ideals of morality and good will vs hatred. This sounds too introductory - your marker knows these characters and they won't need to be introduced to them by you :) Throughout the play, the evident power struggle between good and evil persists which reinforces ideas of morality and more importantly persuasion. In Antony's funeral speech (page 745) I'd suggest against page numbers because you haven't identified the edition of the book you are reading, so the page number doesn't mean much to a marker. Instead, I'd be inclined to just use a description of the scene, "the funeral scene" or "scene 5." , it is noticeable how Antony contains the qualities to seduce the fickle plebs in seeing the horror and mutiny behind Brutus’ act of murdering Caesar. At this point we are nearing towards the end of the paragraph and we haven't yet had anything to do with textual analysis. I'd be getting rid of the introductory details at the beginning, and instead concisely outlining in just one sentence that the characters are vehicles for the struggle between good and evil morality.The repetition of “Brutus was an honourable man” throughout the speech? manipulates the situation relating to Shakespeare wanting to seduce his crowd into choosing a side within the play and their problems with the Queen. From this scene it is evident that Shakespeare attempts to beguile the crowd into realising the problems with the infamous Queen Elizabeth and how it could dramatically place England into turmoil if she suddenly dies without a heir. This paragraph lacks concision and detail. The sentence at the beginning should identify the focus of the essay in relation to the essay question. Then, each sentence thereafter should either be detailing a specific example from the text with a technique, or explaining that technique in relation to the essay question. If your sentences aren't doing these, then they are waffling. So, I suggest cutting back on the first few sentences, and then hitting hard with the analysis. It is a Module A essay, so a sentence or two on context is fine as it is relevant.
In comparison What are you comparing? Not just the texts - because that is clear in the introduction. "In comparison to the use of characters as a vehicle for the struggle between..." or something like that. Be specific.is Niccolo Machiavelli's political treatise ‘The Prince’ written in 1509 Again, dates should be in the introduction :) for his lord, Lorenzo De Medici. During the composition of the Prince, Italy was in a turmoil state as Italian leaders were being assassinated and quickly replaced, similar to the concept presented in Shakespeare's play. Great link!Machiavelli himself was a political associate who had a strong relationship with the past governor of Italy though it broke the relationship broke? Try formalising this instead of being colloquial. after the new leader took back the reign and exiled Machiavelli. ‘The Prince’ specifically is a guideline contrasting the perfect handbook to running a kingdom. It seems that Machiavelli totally disregards morals if it means becoming the ideal ruler. Machiavelli believes that if a leader has the power to gain people's goodwill, then that ruler has no reason to fear hatred and conspiracies.I Goodwill is a political instrument which can insure stability of a Prince's reign, presented in the metaphor in “Better to have a name for miserliness, which breeds disgrace without hatred, than, in pursuing a name for liberality. Great use of embedded quote. The idea of breeding disgrace connects to Machiavelli's belief that Hatred will cause a civilization American spelling, you mean civilisation* to worship and attempt to not disappoint the ruler as the goodwill with present a lenient affect. Medici had proven to have used this quality as he was feared by most of the Italian populace as his family was known for their brutal carnage. Again we have a lot of placing the plot in context and only one piece of analysis. I'd be aiming for at least 3 per paragraph.
The treatment of morals have various consequences which can heavily affect a society depending on how people use it. Excellent thesis statement! Super clear.This concept is explored in both ‘Julius Caesar’ and ‘The Prince’ though they both hold opposing views on the idea of freewill vs vs is colloquial - try verse or "as opposed to" fortune. From Shakespeare's various plays, it is evident that he supported fate in saying that it cannot be controlled but rather an enigma which is part of everybody's life. "As is a common feature in other Shakespearean plays, fate remains as an enigmatic, uncontrollable aspect of human existence.He would have had faith that England would rise up and surpass distress after the Queen's death. In ‘Julius Caesar’ Cassius expresses to Brutus using figurative language that “The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars, But in ourselves that we are underlings” (Act 1 Scene 2). In this scene, Cassius uses machiavellian Machiavellian* manipulation to seduce Brutus into murdering Caesar, which is a sly act though may result in a good conclusion for all republicans.
From ‘The Prince’, it is gathered that Machiavelli believed that Free Will can conquer fortune as it is a person's ability and use of morals which can exceed enemies expectations to winning and controlling a populace. Machiavelli believes that free will should be controlled as free will of the masses brought most of the empires to fall. Personification in “for fortune is a woman and in order to be mastered she must be jogged and beaten” (chapter 25) uses hyperbole to express the eager and importance of how fortune must be dominated so free will can be achieved. As of analysing ‘The Prince’, it is noticeable how Machiavelli was using his sense of Free Will to seduce Medici into restoring his political role.
The use of morals derives from specific ethical qualities which produce certain types of characteristics for various personas. Through play ‘Julius Caesar’, Shakespeare uses the historical context of Caesar to possess the mind of his audience in realising complications arising from the threat of Queen Elizabeth. In comparison ‘the Prince’ highlights Machiavelli's ideas on free will vs fortune and how he believes it can sustain a kingdom in which he absolutely disregards morals. I'd put one more sentence here to tie it all together!
End Notes:
-The paragraphs need some more beefing up, I'd aim for at least three pieces of textual analysis in each paragraph, and less context/plot retell. The way to tell if something is plot retell is by recognising a sentence about the plot that doesn't have a technical analysis attached to it. So consider going through and wiping out the first few sentences of each paragraph, and instead summarising that into one sentence.
-Each paragraph needs to have a super clear direction about what is being discussed. Characters as the vehicle for discussing morality? The tension between the need to do right by yourself as opposed to your people? The obstacles in the way of becoming truly moral?
-The introductory details of the text should be summarised in the introduction, with the year of the text in brackets, and the composer's identified early.
-Machiavelli and Machiavellian needs a capital letter.
-Just double check your Microsoft Word is set to English (Australia) and not English (US)
Let me know if anything doesn't make sense :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 04, 2016, 07:50:52 pm
i was wondering if someone has done Mod A: Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice to help me out with my essay and give me any feedback, much appreciated since its my weakest module.
Hi there! Here is your essay in the spoiler below :) I didn't study Pride and Prejudice, but I've marked a few essays on it so I have a bit of an idea about the texts :)
Spoiler
The Challenges of living your own life is an idea which connects Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen.
How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
The connections that have been explored in the texts have allowed society to gain a better understanding of themselves and the way their lives has been shaped and reshaped over time. I think this could be worded better in a way that I'd put the idea of challenges forward, rather than the benefit and purpose of connecting texts. Just because it is the essay question, and the texts haven't yet been identified, I think it's better to privilege the question before the idea of connecting texts (the module requirement).Through the composer’s ability to encapsulate shared values produces a criticism of the Victorian and Postmodern period, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice (1813) and Fay Weldon’s text Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen (1986). The challenges throughout the text allows the audience to reflect on the impact upon their daily lives. Both texts implement ideas of a changing society and how it has affected society. I am not getting a lot of the "challenges of living YOUR OWN LIFE" in this introduction. I see the challenges, and I see the way it asks responders to reflect, but it could be worthwhile making a connection between the way that the texts explore life's challenged? I think it's more the wording than anything, because you've definitely identified the ideas in an implicit way, perhaps it just needs enhancing. The first sentence might be the best place to do that.
During the Victorian era, Austen highlights the significance of understanding other people’s judgement in order to learn fromyour one's (I think this just formalises the register a bit! mistakes. Elizabeth is faced with many challenges that alter the way she perceives her world. Austen characterises Elizabeth as being intelligent, levelled headed and displays discernment. “His character was decided. He was the proudest most disagreeable man in the world.” The hyperbole represents Elizabeth’s first impression of Mr Darcy and became the central reason for her dislike towards him, after one conversation she wasn’t meant to hear. I'd be trying to embed this quote! Before you read the proceeding question, you're confused about who the "he" is. So I'd be trying to embed it!Elizabeth’s grudge against Mr Darcy was furthered fuelled by Mr Wickham’s story. Elizabeth “found the interest of the subject increase, and listened with all her heart, but the delicacy of it prevented further inquiry”. Beautifully embedded! Elizabeth displayed a flawed judgement about Mr Wickham as she ignored Jane’s advice about Elizabeth’s quick judgement towards Mr Darcy based on Wickham’s opinion. As Elizabeth progresses throughout the novel “she began now to comprehend that he was the exact man, in disposition and talents, who would most suit her”. The discerning tone creates a contrast to Elizabeth’s previous judgement of Mr Darcy, her perception has changed changes as she learns from her mistakes. She I think "she" is a bit colloquial here, but we've repeated Elizabeth's name a lot. Perhaps refer to her as "the protagonist" makes a judgement after seeing Darcy in Pemberley, the place where he is most comfortable as well as hearing what he did for her sister, Lydia through Mrs Gardiner’s letter. “Indeed he has no improper pride. He is perfectly amiable.” Elizabeth respects her father and decides to tell him that she loves Mr Darcy and is clearly a good match for her as he has good qualities. This part here has no textual analysis, but rather plot retell of a challenge. Perhaps the consonance of "improper pride" is worth talking about. Due to Elizabeth’s understanding of discernment it has allowed her to overcome the challenges in her life that can shape and reshape the way she perceives the world around her.
In post-modern society, our This is up to personal preference, but if you'd like to keep things in formal register, then refer to "one" instead of "our" - but it is up to you! :) ideas are shaped and reshaped that challenge our daily lives, as it emphasises the importance of the world around us. I really like the way you are linking to a modern audience, it's very compelling! In comparison with Elizabeth, Alice is a young, intelligent woman who seeks advice from her Aunt Fay. In Letters to Alice On First Reading Jane Austencomma, Weldon highlights the importance of Alice’s development. Weldon explores the challenges through Aunt Fay the world through discernment. She tells Alice, “You must read, Alice, before it’s too late. You must fill your mind with the invented images of the past…” Try not to leave quotes on their own as an individual sentence. It doesn't read as flowingly as it does if you just put a little something at the start, or embed it :) The imperative language empathises the importance of Alice’sdeveloping development to improve as Aunt Fay wants Alice to learn from this gain a better understanding of discernment. “The world is very real, and not made up of an insubstantial web of rights and wrongs, and ins and outs...” the metaphor depicts that the understanding the world around us can allow us to learn about our world. Alice learns that it is okay to make mistakes as long as she learns from them. The use of high modality in, “If you persist with your novel, Alice, you will find it difficult to finish” the high modality terminology shows that Aunt Fay has placed doubt in Alice’s mind making which makes it difficult for Alice to show a better judgement of herself and the world around her. “In the city… there is relevance, purpose and meaning: it is a wonderful place”. The extended metaphor of the City of Invention was made up as reality is in fact far from perfect, it appeals to the readers as we all have the desire of a happy ending. Alice learns a sense of discernment which allows her to achieve her goal of writing a best-selling novel, in the end despite the challenges of living your own life. Wonderful link back to the reader!!!!
The ability to display empathy allows one to understand their world better and understand themselves in the process. Wonderful! Elizabeth lacks empathy towards Charlotte’s decision to marry Mr Collins. She allows her views of marriage to interfere with her ability to understand the situation. “Happiness is entirely a matter of chance”. Again, embed. All Charlotte really cared about was being able to have a stable lifestyle in order to do so she accepted Mr Collin’s proposal. Elizabeth responses responds to this in such a condescending tone as she does not understand Charlotte’s reason to marry Mr Collins. “Charlotte the wife of Mr Collins, was a most humiliating picture!”. This full stop isn't necessary if the exclamation mark point inside the quotation mark is there :) The irony and intrusive narration further elaborates Elizabeth’s stubbornness stubborn nature to understand the bigger picture. Elizabeth shows her growth and development as she seeks advice from her sister, Jane about Mr Collins and Charlotte’s marriage. “I must think your language too strong in speaking of both, I hope you will be convinced of it by seeing them happy together” Jane expresses empathy and hopes that Elizabeth will understand. Elizabeth grows as she visits Charlotte in her home in Hunsford. “Elizabeth in the solitude of her chamber had to meditate upon Charlotte’s degree of contentment… and to acknowledge that it was all done very well.” This is Elizabeth’s turning point as she may not accept the marriage entirely but she understands Charlotte’s reasoning. Elizabeth and Darcy started their relationship on bad terms, as Elizabeth overheard Mr Darcy saying that “She is tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt me”. Elizabeth’s immediate response was showing a quick judgement clouded by her lack of empathy and understanding of the situation. Elizabeth shows transition as she later regrets her first impression of Darcy. “She had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”, the use of listing shows her resentment and this has allowed Elizabeth to understand empathy. Great point, listing.Evidently, this has allowed Elizabeth to shape and reshape the world around her through her greater understanding of empathy.
Similarly, in Letters To Alice, Alice as she embarks on understanding that knowledge is power through empathy. Empathy Try not to start a sentence with the same word as the last one ended with.allows Alice the ability to grow as an individual and to gain knowledge. “It is easier for the reader to judge, by a thousand times, than for the write to invent” exaggerates the idea of the audience needing to understand the value and perspective of the writer in order to feel a connection with them. This parallels the way Aunt Fay critics Jane Austen. Aunt Fay empathises the need to read, as reading is a way to teach others about the world around them. The audience must emphasise with the writer as it is harder to invent something with purpose that allows the reader to learn something. Aunt Fay refers to Alice as a child as “you do not know little Alice, how recent or lucky you are”. The condescending tone that Aunt Fay uses allows her to criticise Alice by talking to her as a child. This limits Alice’s potential which acts as a challenge in order for Alice to grow. Knowledge is a key element in Alice’s growth as it teaches her empathy. “Human nature does not change over the centuries” shows a certain tone as knowledge is the one think that can be gained through literature. By reading you are increasing your knowledge of yourself and the world around thus clearing the challenges that Alice had once faced in the beginning. See end note about inclusive first person and second person narration“We must learn to stand in other people’s shoes and look out at the world with their eyes, or die” The exaggerated tone is used to stress the importance of empathy. In order to show empathy Aunt Fay stresses, the idea that Alice must understand other people’s opinion. Thus through the understanding that knowledge is power as it teaches Alice the importance of displaying discernment to on mould and remould the world around her.
In Fay Weldon’s Letter To Alice On First Reading Jane Austen highlights the importance of empathy and discernment which is later reinforced with Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. The challenges faced in both texts have highlighted the challenges of living your own life that has been reshaped and shaped. Aim for at least three sentences in your conclusion! I'd give a more thematic sentence to start the conclusion off, and then continue :)
How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
The connections that have been explored in the texts have allowed society to gain a better understanding of themselves and the way their lives has been shaped and reshaped over time. I think this could be worded better in a way that I'd put the idea of challenges forward, rather than the benefit and purpose of connecting texts. Just because it is the essay question, and the texts haven't yet been identified, I think it's better to privilege the question before the idea of connecting texts (the module requirement).Through the composer’s ability to encapsulate shared values produces a criticism of the Victorian and Postmodern period, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice (1813) and Fay Weldon’s text Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen (1986). The challenges throughout the text allows the audience to reflect on the impact upon their daily lives. Both texts implement ideas of a changing society and how it has affected society. I am not getting a lot of the "challenges of living YOUR OWN LIFE" in this introduction. I see the challenges, and I see the way it asks responders to reflect, but it could be worthwhile making a connection between the way that the texts explore life's challenged? I think it's more the wording than anything, because you've definitely identified the ideas in an implicit way, perhaps it just needs enhancing. The first sentence might be the best place to do that.
During the Victorian era, Austen highlights the significance of understanding other people’s judgement in order to learn from
In post-modern society, our This is up to personal preference, but if you'd like to keep things in formal register, then refer to "one" instead of "our" - but it is up to you! :) ideas are shaped and reshaped that challenge our daily lives, as it emphasises the importance of the world around us. I really like the way you are linking to a modern audience, it's very compelling! In comparison with Elizabeth, Alice is a young, intelligent woman who seeks advice from her Aunt Fay. In Letters to Alice On First Reading Jane Austencomma, Weldon highlights the importance of Alice’s development. Weldon explores the challenges through Aunt Fay the world through discernment. She tells Alice, “You must read, Alice, before it’s too late. You must fill your mind with the invented images of the past…” Try not to leave quotes on their own as an individual sentence. It doesn't read as flowingly as it does if you just put a little something at the start, or embed it :) The imperative language empathises the importance of Alice’s
The ability to display empathy allows one to understand their world better and understand themselves in the process. Wonderful! Elizabeth lacks empathy towards Charlotte’s decision to marry Mr Collins. She allows her views of marriage to interfere with her ability to understand the situation. “Happiness is entirely a matter of chance”. Again, embed. All Charlotte really cared about was being able to have a stable lifestyle in order to do so she accepted Mr Collin’s proposal. Elizabeth
Similarly, in Letters To Alice, Alice as she embarks on understanding that knowledge is power through empathy. Empathy Try not to start a sentence with the same word as the last one ended with.allows Alice the ability to grow as an individual and to gain knowledge. “It is easier for the reader to judge, by a thousand times, than for the write to invent” exaggerates the idea of the audience needing to understand the value and perspective of the writer in order to feel a connection with them. This parallels the way Aunt Fay critics Jane Austen. Aunt Fay empathises the need to read, as reading is a way to teach others about the world around them. The audience must emphasise with the writer as it is harder to invent something with purpose that allows the reader to learn something. Aunt Fay refers to Alice as a child as “you do not know little Alice, how recent or lucky you are”. The condescending tone that Aunt Fay uses allows her to criticise Alice by talking to her as a child. This limits Alice’s potential which acts as a challenge in order for Alice to grow. Knowledge is a key element in Alice’s growth as it teaches her empathy. “Human nature does not change over the centuries” shows a certain tone as knowledge is the one think that can be gained through literature. By reading you are increasing your knowledge of yourself and the world around thus clearing the challenges that Alice had once faced in the beginning. See end note about inclusive first person and second person narration“We must learn to stand in other people’s shoes and look out at the world with their eyes, or die” The exaggerated tone is used to stress the importance of empathy. In order to show empathy Aunt Fay stresses, the idea that Alice must understand other people’s opinion. Thus through the understanding that knowledge is power as it teaches Alice the importance of displaying discernment to on mould and remould the world around her.
In Fay Weldon’s Letter To Alice On First Reading Jane Austen highlights the importance of empathy and discernment which is later reinforced with Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. The challenges faced in both texts have highlighted the challenges of living your own life that has been reshaped and shaped. Aim for at least three sentences in your conclusion! I'd give a more thematic sentence to start the conclusion off, and then continue :)
I suppose the biggest thing that is stopping your flow from being flawless is the way that quotes have been incorporated. You've done the right thing by not saying, "as the quote says..." because that draws attention to the quote and makes it less seamless. But, giving a quote a sentence of its own regularly draws too much attention to the quote and makes the analysis seem like an after thought, rather than one strong argument. The more you can embed a quote, the better!
The only other thing I really want to draw your attention to is your use of second person narration and inclusive first person. I think the second person narration is dangerous, when you say "you." Just because it assumes the way I'm reading it. I always preferred to take on the formal register and say "one may realise..." or, "a contemporary student of the work may recognise..." rather than "we can see..."
It definitely isn't a huge thing, but it is something to consider. I personally think that the more formal your register, the more sophisticated that your overall analysis comes off.
You've done a really good job of flicking between the texts throughout and linking them in their ideas. You've also done a really strong job of linking to the essay question! I think that is one of your strongest assets, which will be great for an exam! What a skill to have on your side!
Let me know if anything doesn't quite make sense :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 04, 2016, 08:10:51 pm
All I really need advice on is how to properly integrate readings/productions, could someone check if I have done it in this para? Thx!
Hey Laura! Sure! I'd be happy to give you some quick feedback on the paragraph ;)
Spoiler
Hamlet is primarily concerned with the search for meaning in a corrupted world. Good conceptual start. The theme of corruption is explored in productions such as the Simon Russell Beale adaptation, where Hamlet expresses disgust at the disruption of the Great Chain of Being. This was a sense of moral order highly valued in Elizabethan times, with the king placed as the head of the Church, and thus an act of murder or treason against him was seen as a sin against God. You could be a little more succinct with this explanation, but good! Due to the subversion of this order through Old Hamlet’s murder, Hamlet perceives Elsinore to be “an unweeded garden that grows to seed, things rank and gross in nature possess it merely.” (1.2) The motif of dying vegetation is employed throughout the play to represent the decaying morality of the disrupted world. I'm a fan of putting technique and quote in the same sentence, if you can. The metaphorical depiction of Elsinore “growing to seed” also suggests an aspect of wastefulness in this kingdom. Perhaps a specific audience link would work well here? Hamlet is later almost prophetic in his belief that this corruption will ultimately lead to death and destruction, stating that “Foul deeds will rise, though all the world o’whelm them to men’s eyes.” (1.2) Try to frame LESS around Hamlet the character, and more around the composer! Remember, Hamlet is a puppet of the composers ideas. Hamlet’s use of imperative language demonstrates his firm conviction in the “foul” corruption of Elsinore. Ditto here, Shakespeare needs credit! The theme is hence integral to the play, and continues to have textual integrity to audiences today seeking meaning in a corrupted world.
What I think you are missing here is an exploration of how the modern adaptation uses compositional techniques to accentuate Shakespeare's themes for the modern audience. So, Simon Russell Beale has interpreted this play, it isn't identical to Shakespeare's. How does it differ? And here is the key, how do these differences make the play and its themes more relatable for the modern audience?
I think you are on the right track here! But that notion of textual integrity and playing to the modern audience needs just a little bit more focus :) :) :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 04, 2016, 08:49:55 pm
SpoilerDoes the treatment of personal morality in Julius Caesar and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the text's’ distinctive qualities?
Morals are distinctive qualities which every human possess, but how they choose to act upon it builds up and forms their character. I don't think this is worded as well as it could be in the end part of the sentence here. "act upon it" doesn't sound as though it is relating to morals, but more emotion. Perhaps, "how an individual chooses to action their moral duties/compass/direction/sense..." Sheakespeare's Dramatic play, ‘Julius Caesar’ conveysthisthe imposed idea of morals by forging the historical concept of the Roman monarch, Julius Caesar, with Shakespeare's political context, while focusing on a goodwill vs hatred and free will vs fortune approach. Probably will need some rewording so that we only say Shakespeare once but, it needs to be said at the start where I inserted it, and not at the end.In comparison, political treatise ‘The Prince’ Name the composer, and a date in brackets if available incorporates historical eventsas wellto evidently support the concepts put forward to assist a leader/a monarch in running a perfect kingdom. As both texts use historical references to compare qualities exposed in righteous characters, Is this missing the end part?
‘Julius Caesar’ is a dramatic play, written by William Shakespeare in 1599 This information could and should be put in the introduction I think! That way you can get right into analysis here and the information won't take away from your points. depicting the historical monarch Julius Caesar whose life is influenced by the playwright’s, No need for a comma here. Elizabethan era political context. Shakespeare attempts to communicate to the audience his dilemmas with the ruling government which is implemented into the playpossessive apostrophe here.s four main characters and the machiavellian capitalise Machiavellian choices they adopt. These four main characters are Antony, Brutus, Julius Caesar and Cassius who have opposing ideals of morality and good will vs hatred. This sounds too introductory - your marker knows these characters and they won't need to be introduced to them by you :) Throughout the play, the evident power struggle between good and evil persists which reinforces ideas of morality and more importantly persuasion. In Antony's funeral speech (page 745) I'd suggest against page numbers because you haven't identified the edition of the book you are reading, so the page number doesn't mean much to a marker. Instead, I'd be inclined to just use a description of the scene, "the funeral scene" or "scene 5." , it is noticeable how Antony contains the qualities to seduce the fickle plebs in seeing the horror and mutiny behind Brutus’ act of murdering Caesar. At this point we are nearing towards the end of the paragraph and we haven't yet had anything to do with textual analysis. I'd be getting rid of the introductory details at the beginning, and instead concisely outlining in just one sentence that the characters are vehicles for the struggle between good and evil morality.The repetition of “Brutus was an honourable man” throughout the speech? manipulates the situation relating to Shakespeare wanting to seduce his crowd into choosing a side within the play and their problems with the Queen. From this scene it is evident that Shakespeare attempts to beguile the crowd into realising the problems with the infamous Queen Elizabeth and how it could dramatically place England into turmoil if she suddenly dies without a heir. This paragraph lacks concision and detail. The sentence at the beginning should identify the focus of the essay in relation to the essay question. Then, each sentence thereafter should either be detailing a specific example from the text with a technique, or explaining that technique in relation to the essay question. If your sentences aren't doing these, then they are waffling. So, I suggest cutting back on the first few sentences, and then hitting hard with the analysis. It is a Module A essay, so a sentence or two on context is fine as it is relevant.
In comparison What are you comparing? Not just the texts - because that is clear in the introduction. "In comparison to the use of characters as a vehicle for the struggle between..." or something like that. Be specific.is Niccolo Machiavelli's political treatise ‘The Prince’ written in 1509 Again, dates should be in the introduction :) for his lord, Lorenzo De Medici. During the composition of the Prince, Italy was in a turmoil state as Italian leaders were being assassinated and quickly replaced, similar to the concept presented in Shakespeare's play. Great link!Machiavelli himself was a political associate who had a strong relationship with the past governor of Italy though it broke the relationship broke? Try formalising this instead of being colloquial. after the new leader took back the reign and exiled Machiavelli. ‘The Prince’ specifically is a guideline contrasting the perfect handbook to running a kingdom. It seems that Machiavelli totally disregards morals if it means becoming the ideal ruler. Machiavelli believes that if a leader has the power to gain people's goodwill, then that ruler has no reason to fear hatred and conspiracies.I Goodwill is a political instrument which can insure stability of a Prince's reign, presented in the metaphor in “Better to have a name for miserliness, which breeds disgrace without hatred, than, in pursuing a name for liberality. Great use of embedded quote. The idea of breeding disgrace connects to Machiavelli's belief that Hatred will cause a civilization American spelling, you mean civilisation* to worship and attempt to not disappoint the ruler as the goodwill with present a lenient affect. Medici had proven to have used this quality as he was feared by most of the Italian populace as his family was known for their brutal carnage. Again we have a lot of placing the plot in context and only one piece of analysis. I'd be aiming for at least 3 per paragraph.
The treatment of morals have various consequences which can heavily affect a society depending on how people use it. Excellent thesis statement! Super clear.This concept is explored in both ‘Julius Caesar’ and ‘The Prince’ though they both hold opposing views on the idea of freewill vs vs is colloquial - try verse or "as opposed to" fortune. From Shakespeare's various plays, it is evident that he supported fate in saying that it cannot be controlled but rather an enigma which is part of everybody's life. "As is a common feature in other Shakespearean plays, fate remains as an enigmatic, uncontrollable aspect of human existence.He would have had faith that England would rise up and surpass distress after the Queen's death. In ‘Julius Caesar’ Cassius expresses to Brutus using figurative language that “The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars, But in ourselves that we are underlings” (Act 1 Scene 2). In this scene, Cassius uses machiavellian Machiavellian* manipulation to seduce Brutus into murdering Caesar, which is a sly act though may result in a good conclusion for all republicans.
From ‘The Prince’, it is gathered that Machiavelli believed that Free Will can conquer fortune as it is a person's ability and use of morals which can exceed enemies expectations to winning and controlling a populace. Machiavelli believes that free will should be controlled as free will of the masses brought most of the empires to fall. Personification in “for fortune is a woman and in order to be mastered she must be jogged and beaten” (chapter 25) uses hyperbole to express the eager and importance of how fortune must be dominated so free will can be achieved. As of analysing ‘The Prince’, it is noticeable how Machiavelli was using his sense of Free Will to seduce Medici into restoring his political role.
The use of morals derives from specific ethical qualities which produce certain types of characteristics for various personas. Through play ‘Julius Caesar’, Shakespeare uses the historical context of Caesar to possess the mind of his audience in realising complications arising from the threat of Queen Elizabeth. In comparison ‘the Prince’ highlights Machiavelli's ideas on free will vs fortune and how he believes it can sustain a kingdom in which he absolutely disregards morals. I'd put one more sentence here to tie it all together!
End Notes:
-The paragraphs need some more beefing up, I'd aim for at least three pieces of textual analysis in each paragraph, and less context/plot retell. The way to tell if something is plot retell is by recognising a sentence about the plot that doesn't have a technical analysis attached to it. So consider going through and wiping out the first few sentences of each paragraph, and instead summarising that into one sentence.
-Each paragraph needs to have a super clear direction about what is being discussed. Characters as the vehicle for discussing morality? The tension between the need to do right by yourself as opposed to your people? The obstacles in the way of becoming truly moral?
-The introductory details of the text should be summarised in the introduction, with the year of the text in brackets, and the composer's identified early.
-Machiavelli and Machiavellian needs a capital letter.
-Just double check your Microsoft Word is set to English (Australia) and not English (US)
Let me know if anything doesn't make sense :)
Thank you so much Elise for that post. It has helped me a lot. I thought in the English lecture you said its interesting if you enter your writers in the second / third paragraphs depending on the body?
Moderator Edit: Offensive term removed.
Post by: BPunjabi on October 04, 2016, 09:16:55 pm
Post by: pels on October 04, 2016, 09:23:06 pm
Here is a Module C essay I wrote on Auden's poetry, if someone could kindly mark this for me. Thank you :)
Spoiler
Question - How do composers construct texts that reveal both the reasons for and impact of people's particular political motivations?
In your response make reference to TWO of Auden's poems.
Two chosen poems: 'Spain', 'O What Is That Sound?'
Throughout history, there have been many events that have occurred that have allowed for mankind to attain certain beliefs and perspectives in relation to politics and therefore political motivations, upon further reflection of the past. Poets such as the witty English poet W.H. Auden born in York in 1907 were inspired to write pieces which criticised/commented on the reasons for and the impact of people's political motivations, through their own unique representation of key historical events or figures throughout the ages.
As a result of his political sympathies, Auden believed that for his work to be considered valid he must experience the cruelty of war firsthand, and thus was inspired to go to Spain in 1937 at the time of the Civil War. “I am not one of those who believe that poetry need or even should be directly political. But in a critical period such as ours, I do believe that the poet must have direct knowledge of the major political events.” This reveals that Auden believed that his political motivations were only strengthened and valid if he experienced firsthand the political events of the war. As a result, Auden's most renowned texts which include 'O What Is That Sound?' as well as 'Spain', have indefinitely influenced and revealed both the reasons for and impact of his particular political motivations.
A text that has distinctly revealed both the reasons for and impact of people's particular political motivations is Auden's poem titled 'Spain'. Through this poem, Auden is commenting on the past, present and future endeavours of Spain, and the immediacy of the suffering and restrictions imposed by the Civil War. In doing so, Auden directs this poem to the general public of Europe during the late 1930's.
The poem emphasises the pain and struggle that is to come but the amending and joy of 'tomorrow'. War and death are presented in the poem through the vast geography and use of imagery, "and the nations combine each cry". This reveals Auden's political motivations, as he wanted for the young left-wing Pro-Marxist English writers to show their support for the Spanish Republicans fighting in the Civil War, which is exacerbated through the use of the words "intervene" and "descend", highlighting a true need for support against the villainous Nationalists.
The poem is written with three main tones. A nostalgic tone as seen through 'yesterday' (the past), a lamenting tone for today (the present), and a hopeful tone (for the future), although the overall tone is wistful, emphasised through final statement "May say Alas but cannot help nor pardon." Auden's use of this tone is indicative of the cruelty imposed on Spain by the right-wing Nationalists led by Franco, and by implementing this tone in the poem it reveals Auden's political motivations against the right-wing Nationalists.
Auden's use of descriptive language, through the manipulation of both positive and negative imagery, are used to create overpowering images in the readers mind. The vast imagery through the "motionless eagle eyeing the valley", and "tomorrow the bicycle races", juxtapose heavily to the notion of "to-day the struggle". The personification used in stanza 14, "Yes, I am Spain" makes it evident that the Nationalist forces are an obstacle for Spain, restricting its freedom as well as its inhabitants freedom and normal way of life, and thus influencing the reader to take a side on the issue of war.
Symbolism is also manipulated by Auden in 'Spain' in stanza 18. "To the medicine ad, and the brochure of winter cruises have become invading battalions", is symbolic of the extreme changes that Spain had faced due to the conflict of war, and reveals a true juxtaposition between a once desired location, now changed into a battlefield. In addition to this, Auden reveals that the right-wing Spanish Nationalists under the rule of General Franco, had superimposed their fascist beliefs upon the people of Spain, which Auden comments on through the quote "Corrupt heart of the city.", reinforcing the huge divide between the rich Nationalist landowners and businessmen) versus the Republicans being agricultural labourers and middle-class workers).
All in all, Auden's poem 'Spain' was evidently created on the basis of his political motivations against the Nationalist Spanish regimes, and is a direct call to political action and support for the Republicans, as it reflects an great sense of the people involved in this tragic political war and the personification of Spain as a living entity itself. Similarly, Auden's poem titled 'O What Is That Sound?' is reflective of the impending doom and generally the universality and everlasting tragedy of war, as well as the general impact that fascist regimes such as those of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini during the 1940's had on such Western cultures.
The tone of the poem is achieved instantly through the title 'O What Is That Sound?', which creates a sense of ambiguity for the reader, in the sense that it is uncertain what sound Auden is referring to in the title. Through the title, an eerie mood is imposed instantly, reinstating the sense of impending doom.
'O What Is That Sound?' is structured in the ABAB rhyme scheme, which is in correspondence with the two voices heard throughout the poem, assumed to be one male and one female. Auden establishes a strong relationship between the two voices, which makes the poem seem much more personal, putting it in the much larger political picture of war, whilst also creating sympathy through descriptive words such as 'wounded'. Therefore, Auden's political motivations are reinforced through the way he portrays the effects that war has on people, and its everlasting universality.
Additionally, through the use of images such as that of the 'scarlet soldiers' and the 'cunning farmer', Auden presents a variety of images of war that are ambiguous in relation to the time period they are set in, which emphasises the negativity of war throughout the ages. Ideally, Auden's political motivations are seen as he cleverly paints the war as a lost cause and a dark and disturbing time in history.
The confusion of the female voice is exacerbated through her constant asking of questions - stanza 2 - "Over the distance brightly, brightly?", as well as "O what is that light I see flashing so clear." Through the use of these literary techniques, Auden is able to portray a life of impending demise and the everlasting effects of war. By portraying the woman as scared, requiring reassurance from her partner, Auden could be commenting on the panic and distress brought upon the world due to the political parties during that period in history, particularly Hitler's Nazi Party and Mussolini's Italian army.
Auden's political motivations are represented in the final stanza of the poem through the stark imagery and symbolism. "Their feet are heavy on the floor, And their eyes are burning", contrasts to the previous stanzas in which the conversation between the two voices is quite stable and then builds up to a climax, lurking closer to disaster. The imagery of the burning eyes reinforces the hate and lust for power that fuels the soldiers marching ahead. Auden represents this overpowering notion in such a distinctive way which connects with the reader effectively, creating sympathy and affinity for the characters in Auden's poem.
Also, what would be a good way of concluding this? Cheers
In your response make reference to TWO of Auden's poems.
Two chosen poems: 'Spain', 'O What Is That Sound?'
Throughout history, there have been many events that have occurred that have allowed for mankind to attain certain beliefs and perspectives in relation to politics and therefore political motivations, upon further reflection of the past. Poets such as the witty English poet W.H. Auden born in York in 1907 were inspired to write pieces which criticised/commented on the reasons for and the impact of people's political motivations, through their own unique representation of key historical events or figures throughout the ages.
As a result of his political sympathies, Auden believed that for his work to be considered valid he must experience the cruelty of war firsthand, and thus was inspired to go to Spain in 1937 at the time of the Civil War. “I am not one of those who believe that poetry need or even should be directly political. But in a critical period such as ours, I do believe that the poet must have direct knowledge of the major political events.” This reveals that Auden believed that his political motivations were only strengthened and valid if he experienced firsthand the political events of the war. As a result, Auden's most renowned texts which include 'O What Is That Sound?' as well as 'Spain', have indefinitely influenced and revealed both the reasons for and impact of his particular political motivations.
A text that has distinctly revealed both the reasons for and impact of people's particular political motivations is Auden's poem titled 'Spain'. Through this poem, Auden is commenting on the past, present and future endeavours of Spain, and the immediacy of the suffering and restrictions imposed by the Civil War. In doing so, Auden directs this poem to the general public of Europe during the late 1930's.
The poem emphasises the pain and struggle that is to come but the amending and joy of 'tomorrow'. War and death are presented in the poem through the vast geography and use of imagery, "and the nations combine each cry". This reveals Auden's political motivations, as he wanted for the young left-wing Pro-Marxist English writers to show their support for the Spanish Republicans fighting in the Civil War, which is exacerbated through the use of the words "intervene" and "descend", highlighting a true need for support against the villainous Nationalists.
The poem is written with three main tones. A nostalgic tone as seen through 'yesterday' (the past), a lamenting tone for today (the present), and a hopeful tone (for the future), although the overall tone is wistful, emphasised through final statement "May say Alas but cannot help nor pardon." Auden's use of this tone is indicative of the cruelty imposed on Spain by the right-wing Nationalists led by Franco, and by implementing this tone in the poem it reveals Auden's political motivations against the right-wing Nationalists.
Auden's use of descriptive language, through the manipulation of both positive and negative imagery, are used to create overpowering images in the readers mind. The vast imagery through the "motionless eagle eyeing the valley", and "tomorrow the bicycle races", juxtapose heavily to the notion of "to-day the struggle". The personification used in stanza 14, "Yes, I am Spain" makes it evident that the Nationalist forces are an obstacle for Spain, restricting its freedom as well as its inhabitants freedom and normal way of life, and thus influencing the reader to take a side on the issue of war.
Symbolism is also manipulated by Auden in 'Spain' in stanza 18. "To the medicine ad, and the brochure of winter cruises have become invading battalions", is symbolic of the extreme changes that Spain had faced due to the conflict of war, and reveals a true juxtaposition between a once desired location, now changed into a battlefield. In addition to this, Auden reveals that the right-wing Spanish Nationalists under the rule of General Franco, had superimposed their fascist beliefs upon the people of Spain, which Auden comments on through the quote "Corrupt heart of the city.", reinforcing the huge divide between the rich Nationalist landowners and businessmen) versus the Republicans being agricultural labourers and middle-class workers).
All in all, Auden's poem 'Spain' was evidently created on the basis of his political motivations against the Nationalist Spanish regimes, and is a direct call to political action and support for the Republicans, as it reflects an great sense of the people involved in this tragic political war and the personification of Spain as a living entity itself. Similarly, Auden's poem titled 'O What Is That Sound?' is reflective of the impending doom and generally the universality and everlasting tragedy of war, as well as the general impact that fascist regimes such as those of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini during the 1940's had on such Western cultures.
The tone of the poem is achieved instantly through the title 'O What Is That Sound?', which creates a sense of ambiguity for the reader, in the sense that it is uncertain what sound Auden is referring to in the title. Through the title, an eerie mood is imposed instantly, reinstating the sense of impending doom.
'O What Is That Sound?' is structured in the ABAB rhyme scheme, which is in correspondence with the two voices heard throughout the poem, assumed to be one male and one female. Auden establishes a strong relationship between the two voices, which makes the poem seem much more personal, putting it in the much larger political picture of war, whilst also creating sympathy through descriptive words such as 'wounded'. Therefore, Auden's political motivations are reinforced through the way he portrays the effects that war has on people, and its everlasting universality.
Additionally, through the use of images such as that of the 'scarlet soldiers' and the 'cunning farmer', Auden presents a variety of images of war that are ambiguous in relation to the time period they are set in, which emphasises the negativity of war throughout the ages. Ideally, Auden's political motivations are seen as he cleverly paints the war as a lost cause and a dark and disturbing time in history.
The confusion of the female voice is exacerbated through her constant asking of questions - stanza 2 - "Over the distance brightly, brightly?", as well as "O what is that light I see flashing so clear." Through the use of these literary techniques, Auden is able to portray a life of impending demise and the everlasting effects of war. By portraying the woman as scared, requiring reassurance from her partner, Auden could be commenting on the panic and distress brought upon the world due to the political parties during that period in history, particularly Hitler's Nazi Party and Mussolini's Italian army.
Auden's political motivations are represented in the final stanza of the poem through the stark imagery and symbolism. "Their feet are heavy on the floor, And their eyes are burning", contrasts to the previous stanzas in which the conversation between the two voices is quite stable and then builds up to a climax, lurking closer to disaster. The imagery of the burning eyes reinforces the hate and lust for power that fuels the soldiers marching ahead. Auden represents this overpowering notion in such a distinctive way which connects with the reader effectively, creating sympathy and affinity for the characters in Auden's poem.
Also, what would be a good way of concluding this? Cheers
Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 04, 2016, 10:49:46 pm
Thank you so much Elise for that post. It has helped me a lot. I thought in the English lecture you said its interesting if you enter your writers in the second / third paragraphs depending on the body?
Sorry, what do you mean by enter your writers?
I was just rereading the comments and I cant believe how much effort you have put into this.. How do you guys honestly get the time to do all this. I sincerely apologise for my impatience before. :-[
No stress, glad it's helped you!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 04, 2016, 11:54:21 pm
Sorry, what do you mean by enter your writers?
No stress, glad it's helped you!
Sorry, I meant that in the introduction im pretty sure I heard you say not to include the writers of the text, though introduce them in the body paragraphs following as it is an interesting approach.
Post by: zachary99 on October 05, 2016, 11:18:18 am
Here is my module A (Richard) essay from my trial. What should i do to make it better?? and a rough score?.......i think my teacher marked me to easily so i want to know your opinion :) Thanks!
Question: something like “how is our understanding of authority contributed to by a comparative study?”
Authority places individuals in a position of power and can be attained from individual determination or through divine intervention. Shakespeare’s King Richard III represents the consuming nature of authority through the corrupt antagonist, Richard. The play was written with the utilisation of literary devices that would ascertain the attention and connect with his 16th century Elizabethan audience. Our understanding of Richards authority is enhanced through Al Pacino’s post modern docudrama Looking For Richard as he tries to uncover “what is this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?”. Through the manipulation of film and documentary techniques, Pacino is able to connect with his American audience and to simplify Shakespeare’s understanding of authority and power.
The notion of authority can lead to corruptive ramifications when it is abused. Shakespeare wrote his the play King Richard III in the 16th century for a spiritual Elizabethan audience. The people of his time had witnessed the fight for control through the ‘War Of The Roses’ , which set the contextual backdrop of the play. The Elizabethan society was hierarchical and authority was gained from hereditary. Shakespeare represents Richards hunger for rulership and its corruptive nature through animal metaphors for example when Lady Anne calls him an “unmannered dog”. Richards’s desire for influence and power derive from his deformed physiognomy. In the play, Richard is portrayed as a ‘hunchback’, depicted from the quote “Deformed, unfinished sent before my time...half made up” . Shakespeare uses exaggeration of Richards physical appearance to portray and represent his sinister character and lust for control. The desire for dominion emerges from Richards’s intrinsic evil nature. Shakespeare represents the ambitious characteristics of authority through Richards asides and soliloquies where Richard expresses his “determination to prove a villain”. Through these techniques, Shakespeare takes advantage of situational irony as Richard informs his audience of his scheming plans that will result in him gaining a position of authority.
Al Pacino recognises the contextual differences between Shakespeare’s context and his post modern audience. Hence, Pacino appropriates the portrayal of the corruptive nature of authority as 1990 Americans do not associate this value with physical “deform[ities]”. Thus, Pacino manipulates Richards thirst for rulership through positioning in his docudrama Looking For Richard. During an opening scene, Pacino is acting as Richard, standing over the body or the dying King Edward. The low angle shot represents the notion of authority being gained from individuals crafting their own position in society, not from family hereditary. The linguistic features regarding the corruptive nature of authority is hard to understand for Pacino’s audience as Shakespeare “used a lot of fancy words”. As a result, Pacino dons black attire when acting as the Machiavellian Richard to connect with his audience and contribute to their understanding of the evil nature surrounding power and authority. Voiceover commentary is as a didactic tool used to guide Pacino’s audience on what Richards ambitions of power were, thus contributing to the understanding that arbitrary power and authority is corruptive.
In an Elizabethan context, authority derived from hereditary and through the blessings of God. Shakespeare’s society had unanimity on religious perspectives, the notion that God was in control and distributed rulership to those he had anointed. Shakespeare thus made Richard “deformed” to represent Gods punishment and lack of blessing. As a result, Richard is “determined to prove a villain” to so signify his ability to usurp authority by his own means. Acts of ambition resulting in Richards rise of leadership include the betrayal of his brother and murder of his two nephews. The nature of authority stemming from sovereignty contributes to the purpose of the play; to convolute Richards’s humanity and affirm the Tudor claim to the throne, a family who were believed ordained by God. Shakespeare’s choice of textual form, a play, is utilised to connect his thoughts to his current 16th century audience and emphasise the notion that rulership derived from sovereignty.
Post modern 1990’s societal attitudes of divine powers and spiritual life are significantly juxtaposed against late 16th century perspectives. The contemporary trend away from religious beliefs has lead to the worldview that individuals gain positions of authority on the basis of their own freely chosen actions. Al Pacino accounts for his audience’s lack of spiritual reference in his docudrama. Rather he uses rapid camera shots, aligned with dramatic non-diegetic audio to depict and emphasise Richard being punished his guilty conscience, rather than divine retribution for his abuse of authority. The archival images and ‘ghosts’ during Richards dream exemplify Richards freely chosen actions that were driven by the opportunity to gain control.
Thus Al Pacino has successfully contributed to our understanding of the nature of authority in Shakespeare’s King Richard III as he reshaped the ideas that authority is attained through the divine order, and is corruptive. The appropriation of these values in Looking For Richard occurred through selected film and documentary techniques to connect with modern day beliefs, which are juxtaposed against 16th century Elizabethan paradigms. It is from a critical study of both texts that our understanding of influence and authority is enriched.
Comments: A good sustained response, however not one your best essays.
Post by: lozil on October 05, 2016, 12:36:26 pm
Spoiler
(N.B. this is a generic essay without a question)
Real, remembered and imagined landscapes have the potential to profoundly influence individual’s perceptions of themselves and their worlds, however, the transformative power of these landscapes is largely dependent on the individual’s attitudes and engagement with their surroundings. This is reflected in Alain De Botton’s multi-modal travel memoir, The Art of Travel, which utilises renowned ‘guides’ from the cultural Western canon to affirm an ‘everyman’ persona which discusses changing human experiences in differing landscapes. Joanna Newsom’s song In California is similarly hybridised, drawing elements from Baroque, folk, alternative and avant-garde music, yet in contrast to De Botton, represents landscapes as detrimental and lacking in transformative power due to the persona’s lack of engagement with her landscapes. Through a study of both texts, it is evident that individuals can perceive the same landscapes in different ways due to their differing contexts and levels of engagement; thus bringing upon their landscapes a new and individual meaning.
Exotic landscapes are often glorified to convey an unrealistic utopia, able to heal negative psychological states and bring about personal fulfilment. However, this process is not assured, with the transformative nature of real, imperfect landscapes being largely dependent on individual attitudes. This is conveyed in the introductory chapter, On Anticipation. De Botton employs the multi-modal genre of The Art of Travel to visually represent the appeal of imaginary, idealised landscapes, such as the double page spread of Hodge’s landscape painting Tahiti Revisited (1776). It depicts a beautiful but obviously glorified representation of a Tahitian river bathed in light and framed by picturesque mountains, accompanied by palm trees and two nude female figures bathing by the riverside. The painting exudes luxury and exoticism, and by tapping into the Western cultural canon, De Botton highlights how the Western tendency to romanticise exotic cultures can lead to disillusionment in the “reality of travel”. De Botton proceeds to claim, “Those responsible for the brochure had darkly intuited how easily their readers might be turned into prey…” This utilisation of predatory imagery, “darkly intuited” and “prey”, reveals how commercial institutions have appropriated this desire for personal happiness, representing real landscapes in a glorified and imaginary way, and contributing to the disillusionment by the audience of the “repetitions, misleading emphases and inconsequential plot-lines” in experiencing real landscapes. Rather, he argues paradoxically, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”, as the fulfilling nature of the landscape, as imagined by the individual, is disrupted by their disillusioned state of consciousness. This is highlighted through the juxtaposition of the rich imagery of the imagined “azure sky … sand the colour of sun-ripened wheat”, followed by the balancing statement “yet this description only imperfectly reflects what occurred within me, for my attention was in truth far more fractured and confused…” De Botton concludes that “happiness is not material or aesthetic but stubbornly psychological”, and that idealised or imagined representations of any landscape will not automatically inspire or transform the individual if they hold negative, closed-mined attitudes and do not engage with the landscape spiritually and emotionally.
In California follows a persona who, due to an unspecified tragedy, seeks catharsis by moving to rural California, seeking what she imagines to be the transformative qualities of a new, natural landscape. Yet, the persona becomes disillusioned as she cannot escape the trauma of her past, despite what she imagined to be the landscape’s omnipotent rehabilitating qualities. This is depicted through the varying representations of nature over the course of the song. Through alliteration and accumulation of natural imagery in “I tried to understand / the dry rot, the burn pile / the bark-beetle, the black bear”, the persona expresses her desire for what she imagines are the cleansing properties of the natural world. On each ‘b’ syllable, the singer anticipates the beat, and with the introduction of the rich resonant sound of the brass instruments, her excitement and expectations are conveyed. However, the song ends with “for it has half ruined me / to be hanging around / among the Daphne”, using symbolism to convey her disillusionment with her new landscape as her mental state is unchanged, like Daphne, a plant with beautiful, scented flowers but sporting poisonous berries. Furthermore, the paradox of “I don’t belong to anyone” and “I don’t want to be alone” is reinforced as the two phrases are sung with the same melody, conveying that her imagined expectations do not match up to reality of her new landscape.
Natural landscapes, real and remembered, can have an immense impact upon the way individuals perceive new landscapes, as well as their own identities. This is shown in On the City and Country. De Botton explores the paradigms of renowned Romantic poet, William Wordsworth, of the cathartic nature of real and remembered natural landscapes in alleviating the negative psychological states derived from corrupting city environments. Using hyperbole, De Botton conveys the extent to which Wordsworth believed cities “foster a family of life-destroying emotions including anxiety, envy and pride.” Himself “afflicted of these ills”, De Botton immerses himself in natural landscapes, using simile and imagery to juxtapose the absurdity of city life with the calming qualities of the natural world in, “The lights of surrounding offices looked like a grave old man bedecked in party decorations … soon it would be over the fields of Essex, then the marshes, before heading out over the mutinous North Sea waves… I felt my anxieties abate.” De Botton concludes that the natural world is “an indispensable corrective to … the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities”. In fact, he extends this statement, arguing that even natural landscapes in their remembered form have the same cathartic powers; quoting from Wordsworth’s poem Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, “Though absent long … I have owed to them [the natural world]. / In lonely rooms, and mid the din / Of towns and cities, [these memories have] passed even into my purer mind / With tranquil restoration.” Through relying so overtly and distinctly upon Wordsworth’s poems, De Botton authenticates his view of the restorative power of remembered natural landscapes in corrupting city environments; concluding with the aphorism, “A few moments in the countryside …. could number among the most significant and useful of one’s life”.
In California also addresses the power of remembered landscapes, yet disputes De Botton’s representation of the cathartic powers of remembered and natural landscapes. The persona attempts to “make a new start / in California”, mourning the “foolishness” of her past as the orchestra builds to a climax. These instruments abruptly cut off, leaving the solo voice and harp, when the persona finds that “some nights / I just never go to sleep at all … / fully abandoning / any thought of anywhere / but home / my home.” Truncated line length, coupled with the abrupt ending of the climax, conveys the persona’s confusion and isolation in her new natural environment, which she believed would be cathartic. Furthermore, despite the persona’s intense homesickness, she simultaneously knows that she will not find relief at old home. She represents it as “my home where the darkness does fall so fast / it feels like a mistake / (just like I told you it would / just like the Tulgeywood)”. Pathetic fallacy is used, with the “darkness” that falls on the persona’s home representing her own sorrows, while an intertextual reference is made to Lewis Carroll’s poem The Jabberwocky as the persona likens her old home with the hostile Tulgey Wood in which the Jabberwock was said to reside. In the last stanza of the poem, the persona laments that “it has half ruined me to be hanging around … I am overgrown / I have choked my roots on earth / as rich as roe.” Through the use of natural metaphorical imagery, the persona likens her memories to lecherous “roots as rich as roe”, which have corrupted her new landscape and prevented growth, thus presenting natural and remembered landscapes in a negative “choking” light.
The immense spiritual effects of real landscapes upon individual identity are demonstrated in On the Sublime. Extending upon notions of the cathartic qualities of natural landscapes in On the City and Country, this chapter discusses how sublime landscapes instil within individuals a sense of the vastness and omnipotence of sublime landscapes, causing human anxieties to fade into an eternal perspective as they serve as a reminder of “human frailty and insignificance.” The power of sublime landscapes is reinforced visually through De Botton’s extensive use of pictures in this chapter, predominantly Romantic paintings of nature by renowned artists such as Loutherbourg, but also encompassing manufactured liminal landscapes such as airports and cityscapes, as seen in On Travelling Places. Sublime landscapes force individuals to contemplate their significance in the world, or lack of, and “may help us to accept more graciously the great unfathomable events that molest our lives and will inevitably return us to dust”. Through the use of low modality language “may”, however, De Botton highlights that individuals can only gain these benefits if they genuinely engage with their landscapes. In the chapter On Possessing Beauty, De Botton personifies beauty as being “fugitive … and how long it stays in our memory depends on how intentionally we have apprehended it”. The ‘guide’ for the chapter, John Ruskin, advocates drawing and word painting landscapes, “because this teaches us to see; to notice, rather than to look.” Through including Ruskin’s instructional passages from his guide The Elements of Drawing, De Botton reveals how art-making forces individuals to notice the disparity between their preconceived notions of the landscape, compared to the landscape’s actual composition, leading to a greater understanding of self as it incites “a conscious understanding of the reason behind our attraction to certain landscapes.” Only through consciously engaging with landscapes can individuals can embrace the power of sublime landscapes and “accept without bitterness or lamentation the obstacles we cannot overcome and events we cannot make sense of”, with this spiritual interaction leading to self-enrichment and elucidating a definite sense of personal identity.
De Botton’s arguments can be applied to the persona from In California, who expects her new landscape to be automatically cathartic, without engaging in the landscape. This can be seen through the constant anecdotes which riddle the song, reinforced by her metaphorical description of her current life as “an endless eventide” of memories. During these anecdotes, the song is invariably in a happy, major key, ironically conveying a melancholy nostalgia in which the persona longs for the comfort of her old home yet is repelled by the trauma she experienced there. Because of her attachment to her past life, she fails to engage with her new environment, conveyed through the use of passive language “watching” and “wait all night”, such as in “watching the fox pick off my goldfish / from their sorry golden state”. Here, the antithetical images of “fox”, thought in folklore to signal deceased spirits, and “goldfish”, with connotations of prosperity and harmony, are used to represent how her memories prevent her from moving on and finding happiness in her new landscape. This spiritual entrapment is conveyed through the metaphor “You cannot come and see me / for you cross the border of my heart”, in which the persona likens her mental ‘borders’ with physical entrapment. Thus, the persona fails to engage with the beauty and sublimity of her new natural landscape, representing it instead as confining and oppressive, with this absence of contemplation leading to a lack of spiritual peace and enriched self-identity.
De Botton’s multi-modal text The Art of Travel addresses the effects of real, remembered and imagined landscapes upon individual identity and perspective, using ‘guides’ from the Classical Western canon to authenticate his arguments. It is only though investigating the true beauty of real landscapes that individuals elucidate a sense of self-awareness and spiritual fulfilment. In contrast, Joanna Newsom’s song In California represents the consequences of individuals failing to engage with their landscapes, leading to anguish, confusion and alienation.
Real, remembered and imagined landscapes have the potential to profoundly influence individual’s perceptions of themselves and their worlds, however, the transformative power of these landscapes is largely dependent on the individual’s attitudes and engagement with their surroundings. This is reflected in Alain De Botton’s multi-modal travel memoir, The Art of Travel, which utilises renowned ‘guides’ from the cultural Western canon to affirm an ‘everyman’ persona which discusses changing human experiences in differing landscapes. Joanna Newsom’s song In California is similarly hybridised, drawing elements from Baroque, folk, alternative and avant-garde music, yet in contrast to De Botton, represents landscapes as detrimental and lacking in transformative power due to the persona’s lack of engagement with her landscapes. Through a study of both texts, it is evident that individuals can perceive the same landscapes in different ways due to their differing contexts and levels of engagement; thus bringing upon their landscapes a new and individual meaning.
Exotic landscapes are often glorified to convey an unrealistic utopia, able to heal negative psychological states and bring about personal fulfilment. However, this process is not assured, with the transformative nature of real, imperfect landscapes being largely dependent on individual attitudes. This is conveyed in the introductory chapter, On Anticipation. De Botton employs the multi-modal genre of The Art of Travel to visually represent the appeal of imaginary, idealised landscapes, such as the double page spread of Hodge’s landscape painting Tahiti Revisited (1776). It depicts a beautiful but obviously glorified representation of a Tahitian river bathed in light and framed by picturesque mountains, accompanied by palm trees and two nude female figures bathing by the riverside. The painting exudes luxury and exoticism, and by tapping into the Western cultural canon, De Botton highlights how the Western tendency to romanticise exotic cultures can lead to disillusionment in the “reality of travel”. De Botton proceeds to claim, “Those responsible for the brochure had darkly intuited how easily their readers might be turned into prey…” This utilisation of predatory imagery, “darkly intuited” and “prey”, reveals how commercial institutions have appropriated this desire for personal happiness, representing real landscapes in a glorified and imaginary way, and contributing to the disillusionment by the audience of the “repetitions, misleading emphases and inconsequential plot-lines” in experiencing real landscapes. Rather, he argues paradoxically, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”, as the fulfilling nature of the landscape, as imagined by the individual, is disrupted by their disillusioned state of consciousness. This is highlighted through the juxtaposition of the rich imagery of the imagined “azure sky … sand the colour of sun-ripened wheat”, followed by the balancing statement “yet this description only imperfectly reflects what occurred within me, for my attention was in truth far more fractured and confused…” De Botton concludes that “happiness is not material or aesthetic but stubbornly psychological”, and that idealised or imagined representations of any landscape will not automatically inspire or transform the individual if they hold negative, closed-mined attitudes and do not engage with the landscape spiritually and emotionally.
In California follows a persona who, due to an unspecified tragedy, seeks catharsis by moving to rural California, seeking what she imagines to be the transformative qualities of a new, natural landscape. Yet, the persona becomes disillusioned as she cannot escape the trauma of her past, despite what she imagined to be the landscape’s omnipotent rehabilitating qualities. This is depicted through the varying representations of nature over the course of the song. Through alliteration and accumulation of natural imagery in “I tried to understand / the dry rot, the burn pile / the bark-beetle, the black bear”, the persona expresses her desire for what she imagines are the cleansing properties of the natural world. On each ‘b’ syllable, the singer anticipates the beat, and with the introduction of the rich resonant sound of the brass instruments, her excitement and expectations are conveyed. However, the song ends with “for it has half ruined me / to be hanging around / among the Daphne”, using symbolism to convey her disillusionment with her new landscape as her mental state is unchanged, like Daphne, a plant with beautiful, scented flowers but sporting poisonous berries. Furthermore, the paradox of “I don’t belong to anyone” and “I don’t want to be alone” is reinforced as the two phrases are sung with the same melody, conveying that her imagined expectations do not match up to reality of her new landscape.
Natural landscapes, real and remembered, can have an immense impact upon the way individuals perceive new landscapes, as well as their own identities. This is shown in On the City and Country. De Botton explores the paradigms of renowned Romantic poet, William Wordsworth, of the cathartic nature of real and remembered natural landscapes in alleviating the negative psychological states derived from corrupting city environments. Using hyperbole, De Botton conveys the extent to which Wordsworth believed cities “foster a family of life-destroying emotions including anxiety, envy and pride.” Himself “afflicted of these ills”, De Botton immerses himself in natural landscapes, using simile and imagery to juxtapose the absurdity of city life with the calming qualities of the natural world in, “The lights of surrounding offices looked like a grave old man bedecked in party decorations … soon it would be over the fields of Essex, then the marshes, before heading out over the mutinous North Sea waves… I felt my anxieties abate.” De Botton concludes that the natural world is “an indispensable corrective to … the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities”. In fact, he extends this statement, arguing that even natural landscapes in their remembered form have the same cathartic powers; quoting from Wordsworth’s poem Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, “Though absent long … I have owed to them [the natural world]. / In lonely rooms, and mid the din / Of towns and cities, [these memories have] passed even into my purer mind / With tranquil restoration.” Through relying so overtly and distinctly upon Wordsworth’s poems, De Botton authenticates his view of the restorative power of remembered natural landscapes in corrupting city environments; concluding with the aphorism, “A few moments in the countryside …. could number among the most significant and useful of one’s life”.
In California also addresses the power of remembered landscapes, yet disputes De Botton’s representation of the cathartic powers of remembered and natural landscapes. The persona attempts to “make a new start / in California”, mourning the “foolishness” of her past as the orchestra builds to a climax. These instruments abruptly cut off, leaving the solo voice and harp, when the persona finds that “some nights / I just never go to sleep at all … / fully abandoning / any thought of anywhere / but home / my home.” Truncated line length, coupled with the abrupt ending of the climax, conveys the persona’s confusion and isolation in her new natural environment, which she believed would be cathartic. Furthermore, despite the persona’s intense homesickness, she simultaneously knows that she will not find relief at old home. She represents it as “my home where the darkness does fall so fast / it feels like a mistake / (just like I told you it would / just like the Tulgeywood)”. Pathetic fallacy is used, with the “darkness” that falls on the persona’s home representing her own sorrows, while an intertextual reference is made to Lewis Carroll’s poem The Jabberwocky as the persona likens her old home with the hostile Tulgey Wood in which the Jabberwock was said to reside. In the last stanza of the poem, the persona laments that “it has half ruined me to be hanging around … I am overgrown / I have choked my roots on earth / as rich as roe.” Through the use of natural metaphorical imagery, the persona likens her memories to lecherous “roots as rich as roe”, which have corrupted her new landscape and prevented growth, thus presenting natural and remembered landscapes in a negative “choking” light.
The immense spiritual effects of real landscapes upon individual identity are demonstrated in On the Sublime. Extending upon notions of the cathartic qualities of natural landscapes in On the City and Country, this chapter discusses how sublime landscapes instil within individuals a sense of the vastness and omnipotence of sublime landscapes, causing human anxieties to fade into an eternal perspective as they serve as a reminder of “human frailty and insignificance.” The power of sublime landscapes is reinforced visually through De Botton’s extensive use of pictures in this chapter, predominantly Romantic paintings of nature by renowned artists such as Loutherbourg, but also encompassing manufactured liminal landscapes such as airports and cityscapes, as seen in On Travelling Places. Sublime landscapes force individuals to contemplate their significance in the world, or lack of, and “may help us to accept more graciously the great unfathomable events that molest our lives and will inevitably return us to dust”. Through the use of low modality language “may”, however, De Botton highlights that individuals can only gain these benefits if they genuinely engage with their landscapes. In the chapter On Possessing Beauty, De Botton personifies beauty as being “fugitive … and how long it stays in our memory depends on how intentionally we have apprehended it”. The ‘guide’ for the chapter, John Ruskin, advocates drawing and word painting landscapes, “because this teaches us to see; to notice, rather than to look.” Through including Ruskin’s instructional passages from his guide The Elements of Drawing, De Botton reveals how art-making forces individuals to notice the disparity between their preconceived notions of the landscape, compared to the landscape’s actual composition, leading to a greater understanding of self as it incites “a conscious understanding of the reason behind our attraction to certain landscapes.” Only through consciously engaging with landscapes can individuals can embrace the power of sublime landscapes and “accept without bitterness or lamentation the obstacles we cannot overcome and events we cannot make sense of”, with this spiritual interaction leading to self-enrichment and elucidating a definite sense of personal identity.
De Botton’s arguments can be applied to the persona from In California, who expects her new landscape to be automatically cathartic, without engaging in the landscape. This can be seen through the constant anecdotes which riddle the song, reinforced by her metaphorical description of her current life as “an endless eventide” of memories. During these anecdotes, the song is invariably in a happy, major key, ironically conveying a melancholy nostalgia in which the persona longs for the comfort of her old home yet is repelled by the trauma she experienced there. Because of her attachment to her past life, she fails to engage with her new environment, conveyed through the use of passive language “watching” and “wait all night”, such as in “watching the fox pick off my goldfish / from their sorry golden state”. Here, the antithetical images of “fox”, thought in folklore to signal deceased spirits, and “goldfish”, with connotations of prosperity and harmony, are used to represent how her memories prevent her from moving on and finding happiness in her new landscape. This spiritual entrapment is conveyed through the metaphor “You cannot come and see me / for you cross the border of my heart”, in which the persona likens her mental ‘borders’ with physical entrapment. Thus, the persona fails to engage with the beauty and sublimity of her new natural landscape, representing it instead as confining and oppressive, with this absence of contemplation leading to a lack of spiritual peace and enriched self-identity.
De Botton’s multi-modal text The Art of Travel addresses the effects of real, remembered and imagined landscapes upon individual identity and perspective, using ‘guides’ from the Classical Western canon to authenticate his arguments. It is only though investigating the true beauty of real landscapes that individuals elucidate a sense of self-awareness and spiritual fulfilment. In contrast, Joanna Newsom’s song In California represents the consequences of individuals failing to engage with their landscapes, leading to anguish, confusion and alienation.
Post by: fizzy.123 on October 05, 2016, 05:16:50 pm
The political framework within societies can initiate curiosities which lead individuals to seek the truth. Aldous Huxley’s 1931 novel, Brave New World, explores the role of technology and the government to dictate conditioned individuals in the World State. Similarly, Steven Spielberg’s 2001 film Artificial Intelligence analyses the impact of technology and science within society as a means of questioning the truth. Both works explore the role of politics and its consequential negative ramifications upon individuals and society as a whole. (Conclude introduction by answering the question)
The ramifications of technology and science can be detrimental as they dictate the state of humanity. Huxley’s Brave New World explores the impact of technology and science in controlling individuals thought and action. The Bokanovsky’s process of human cloning is a key aspect of Huxley’s World State. The repetition of “major instruments of social stability” connotes the significance of this scientific process as a means of controlling humanity to maintain a façade of social stability. The government’s usurpation of power and control over individuals dictate their experience of the surrounding illusive world. The high modality of “our suggestions. Suggestions from the State” implies the conditioning of individuals by which they become restricted to values that the government holds for them. Mond diminishes the importance of god as something that “used to be”, naturalising the notion that everyone is gods property but religion in the modern world is superfluous. Through the text, Huxley manipulates the concept of god to be incompatible with “machinery and scientific medicine” thus rendering its importance futile for social organisation. God becomes obsolete in Brave New World and instead is replaced through the motifs of “Ford”, demonstrating that even religion has been replaced by reverence for technology. Fordian knowledge is propagated through the locking away of sacred texts, depriving citizens of the truth, religion and art for the sake of happiness, reiterating the notion that “history is bunk”. Huxley uses the demarcation of individuality as a vehicle for exploring his fears and fascination of technology at the turn of the 20th century.
A society full of expectations can place restrictions on individuals to act a certain way. Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence explores the benefits of technology and science in fulfilling the desires of those in power. The film opens in a dark setting, symbolising power and control to illustrate the control technology has within society. The use of machine intelligence is an important aspect of society because of its potential to allow politicians to artificially recreate the substance lacking in society. Spielberg’s microcosmic world parallels Huxley’s literary trope of the World State where humans are conditioned and surrendered physically, emotionally and spiritually through the Bokanovsky’s process. The human characterisation of the mecha robot contrasts with the World State in which conditioned humans are devoid of all feelings. The proximity of the protagonist mother with the robotic child asleep in the incubator parallels the hypnopaedia process of the World State. The restricted nature of the mecha robotic child is juxtaposed with his “real” brother. His actions become controlled by a superior being alluding to the incapacity of mechanised individuals to fully develop as normal human beings. (closing sentence according to Q)
The concept of the truth can be dangerous as it has the ability to initiate thoughts about life and purpose. The repetition and italicisation of “Soma” emphasises its importance in the world state. The government of Brave New World retains power by making its citizens so happy and superficially fulfilled through “Soma” drawing them away from questioning the truth about their personal freedom. Huxley’s world state becomes a replacement for “Christianity without tears”, connoting religion to be in adequate because humanity still experiences misery, war and poverty. In this phony world, the Savage desires truth and beauty, however Mond rejects the importance of truth substituting it with “universal happiness”, the utopian reference reinforces the illusory façade of the World State. The increased consumerism furthers the distraction from seeking the truth by provoking insights into government beliefs. Mond considers the paper he is reading to be “dangerous and potentially subversive” as he worries that purpose will make people think about God and question the truth. Huxley uses the ironic thought to portray the incompetence of the world state in its quest to successfully satisfy man’s greater questions and curiosities. The employment of formal language and parentheses of “mother and father (grotesque obscenity)” demonstrates the irrelevance of these terms in the World State. The world state draws on the abnormality of humanity by forcing sexual promiscuity to be a matter of obscenity, contrasting with the natural instinct of individuals. The manipulation of language becomes a vehicle through which the World State controls citizens in an attempt to prevent individuals from questioning the truth. (Link back to Q)
Questioning the truth can sometimes be perplexing. Artificial Intelligence explores the importance of emotions with the assistance of technology and science. Unlike Brave New World where parents are seen as a “grotesque obscenity”, Spielberg manipulates technology to become a platform for strengthening the importance of maternal relationships and their emotional associations. Technology holds the ability to create a mechanically engineered child who has immense feelings towards his mother. The facial expressions illustrated through the frontal camera angle portray the significance of having feelings within humanity. The use of the low camera angle creates empathy for the child as he does not know that he is a robot, reinforcing the ability of political regimes in manipulating the truth for individuals. He falls into believing he is a normal boy, contrasting with the conditioned humans in Brave New World. Although Spielberg enforces the importance of emotions in society, it becomes an artificial construct that is used to propagate the values of those in power. The absence of background noise and music creates a tense atmosphere as the dad starts to doubt the creation of the robotic kid. The father’s questioning serves as a didactic warning against diminishing individual thought in an attempt to abrogate social power. Spielberg’s notion of thought parallels the government in BNW doubting the purpose of conditioned children as a threat of initiating questions of purpose and truth. (Link back to Q)
Both composers draw on their perceptions of science and technology in allowing the government to take control of society and maintain power. The questioning of the truth however, is a result of the negative ramifications of science and technology. Huxley focuses on the benefits of technology by using it to condition humans and create a state full of individuals that have been shaped to behave a certain way. Spielberg similarly adopts technology and science to comment on the dangers of manipulating concepts that are beyond the control of individuals. Together both composers draw on the natural instincts of emotions and humanity to force the audience to question intentional intervention.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 05, 2016, 07:43:44 pm
So with the lectures just gone we are a tad behind on our marking (the three markers did about 20 lectures between us)!! We aim to get caught up as soon as possible, so thank you to everyone for your patience! :)
Based on my checks; the following users have met post count and will have their essay marked ASAP:
-
-
- lozil
- fizzy.123
The following users have not met post count:
-
Everyone else in this thread (I think) has either been marked or knows that they need more posts to get marked. If you think I've missed your essay, let me know!! Otherwise, we'll get you caught up ASAP!
As a further message, your HSC English Exam is one week away! We anticipate our marking boards are going to get very busy, especially this one, and so if you want to guarantee that your essay gets marked by the time your exam is done, you need to get it up sooner rather than later. We'll do our best to move through as quickly as we can, but we can only do so much. Act early to avoid disappointment!! :) :) :)
Post by: lha on October 05, 2016, 07:52:23 pm
Hi everyone!
So with the lectures just gone we are a tad behind on our marking (the three markers did about 20 lectures between us)!! We aim to get caught up as soon as possible, so thank you to everyone for your patience! :)
Based on my checks; the following users have met post count and will have their essay marked ASAP:
- pels
- zachary99
- lozil
- fizzy.123
The following users have not met post count:
- Iha (you have just enough for one more essay marked, but you've posted two, and this one was second. Get to 85!)
Everyone else in this thread (I think) has either been marked or knows that they need more posts to get marked. If you think I've missed your essay, let me know!! Otherwise, we'll get you caught up ASAP!
As a further message, your HSC English Exam is one week away! We anticipate our marking boards are going to get very busy, especially this one, and so if you want to guarantee that your essay gets marked by the time your exam is done, you need to get it up sooner rather than later. We'll do our best to move through as quickly as we can, but we can only do so much. Act early to avoid disappointment!! :) :) :)
I should have enough for two. The last time i had an essay marked i was on 35 posts, i gained more than 30 more posts since then so i should be able to get 2 marked.
Post by: Essej on October 05, 2016, 08:22:05 pm
Hoping to get this module A essay marked - originally this was an essay structured with 2 poems and 2 separate paragraphs on W;t but i've gone for an integrated approach with 3 main ideas as requested by my teacher, hoping for some feedback on it :)
I understand you guys probably didn't do these texts but any feedback is helpful, i've tried to separate my theses as best i can but am still not feeling abundantly confident.
Good luck with all your marking guys, and thanks once again ;D ;D
Spoiler
Analyse how the central values portrayed in Donne’s poetry are creatively reshaped in W;t.
Perennial notions pertaining to personal fulfilment through spiritual or emotional connections are ideals which allow texts to transcend contextual barriers. In John Donne’s 17th Century metaphysical poetry, the composer explores timeless concerns of salvation from a subversive religious standpoint. Donne argues that through humanistic experiences and spiritual rationalisation, one may transcend the physical dimension and achieve a state of introspective resolution. Margaret Edson's postmodern play W;t (1995) inventively remodels these timeless human concerns to reflect a secular milieu wherein academic obsession adversely impacts upon one’s capacity to confront mortality. It is posed by Edson that in such a paradigm, suffering and meaningful emotional connections are paramount to service the individual passion for ascension present across both secular and religious contexts.
The ability of academia to provide existential relief, evidenced by Donne’s subversion of religious authority, is challenged by Edson in a secular paradigm wherein scholarly obsession prevents human connection and fulfilment. In W;t, the academic elitist Vivian Bearing is satirically depicted by Edson in a sterile clinical setting to epitomise the inability of research to offer insight into death and the hereafter. The perennial anxiety surrounding death and salvation is present through the medical industry’s search for a ‘cure for cancer’, driving them to conduct research on individuals such as the scholarly ovarian cancer patient. Edson poses a commentary upon the status-driven nature of knowledge in such a secular paradigm wherein Vivian explains in an arrogant tone “After twenty years, I can say with confidence, no one is quite as good as I”. However, by enamouring herself with knowledge, the protagonist is left ill-equipped to face her own mortality. Edson’s incorporation of ellipsis within Vivian’s existential questioning “I’m in a… quandary, having these...doubts” reveals her remorse at her academic obsession whilst also serving as a condemnation of the apathetic medical industry. Adversely, within Donne’s sonnet “Death be Not Proud” the poet utilises religious research gained as a priest of St. Paul’s Cathedral to successfully challenge the contextual authority of death. Donne’s demeaning employment of metaphysical conceit in “One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally” employs the discernment of biblical teachings prevalent in his Counter-Reformation context to argue that death is merely a passage to the afterlife and thus should not be feared. Clearly, diverging contexts reveal different interpretations of the capacity of knowledge to offer one existential relief.
Universally applicable to both texts is the significance of human relationships in providing enrichment to individuals and thereby in facilitating an effective confrontation of one’s mortality. Donne’s romantic monologue “A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning” explores the ability of sacrosanct platonic relationships to allow one to transcend physical and contextual boundaries. The central compass conceit in which “The fix’d foot” of his lover is eternally linked to himself “As stiff twin compasses are two” incorporates a circular motif to reference the prevalent Renaissance symbol of perfect unity. Through this, the poet poses a commentary upon the ability of emotional connection to surpass the barrier of death; as evidenced by the euphemistic simile “as virtuous men pass mildly away”. It is here that Donne manifests religious values pertaining to eternal life to argue the necessity of human connection in the individual experience of a complete life. In contrast to the empathetic approach evident in Donne’s poetry, Edson presents an emotionless academic perspective on the anxious search for salvation in a secular paradigm. The composer’s inclusion of alienating devices such as the breaking down of the fourth wall in “It is not my intention to give away the plot, but I think i die at the end” evoke a sense of detachment within the audience as Vivian metaphorically likens herself to a “specimen jar”. This references the dehumanised nature of contemporary institutionalisation wherein the harsh nature of medical treatment and the absence of ‘bedside manner’, which is likened to a ‘colossal waste of time’ by Jason, prevents comfort in the face of death. Edson’s direct intertextual reference to the poem wherein Vivian in a pedantic tone elucidates “A breach, but an ex-pan-see-on” furthers the satire of apathetic contemporary academia through a dismissal of Donne’s theme of enduring love. Further, it serves as a turning point wherein Bearing epiphanically accepts that “Now is not the time for verbal swordplay” as she instead longs for the humanistic experiences of Donne. Thus, it is reinforced that a lack of emotional connection inhibits the achievement of contentment in the face of mortality.
The spiritual pilgrimage to service one’s passion for redemption is furthered by reconciliation facilitated by religious milieus, however requires suffering and humanistic experiences in a secular paradigm. Vivian’s shifting psyche whereby she discovers the need for emotional connection to attain liberation in a contemporary context is hindered by her concern with self-effacement and dignity in death. Thus, Edson employs a satirical intertextual reference to Donne’s sonnet “My Play’s Last Scene” in “my pilgrimages last mile...I have broken the record...but I flatter myself…” as the protagonist seeks repentance, illustrating her ineptitude in reaching personal fulfilment due to a lack of human connection. Akin to this, Donne’s poem explores the religious search for reconciliation to achieve salvation through pleading with God for forgiveness in death pursuant to his religious context. The poet’s abandonment of earlier love poetry owing to his spiritual crisis wherein he transitions from Catholicism to Anglicanism is exemplified in Donne’s fearful personification “gluttonous death will instantly unjoin my body and soul”. The implicated notion that reflection upon one’s spiritual journey is essential in achieving salvation is furthered by the persona’s fear of unworthiness to ascend to heaven in the volta break “As my soul to heaven...takes flight” where an acknowledgement of death’s inevitability with the spiritual comfort of immortality orchestrates the persona’s release from sin. Edson skilfully adapts such notions in a secular milieu through posing that “infernal tests” are necessary in achieving salvation due to a lack of perceived emotional connection; with the playwright incorporating black humour in the protagonists reflection “It would be a relief to be a cheerleader”. Vivian’s anagnorisis of her academic obsession is aided by Susie through the symbolism of the popsicle whereby the protagonist undergoes shared emotional experiences, which ultimately allow her to shed the academia of Donne’s metaphysical poetry for the emotion of Shakespeare; as evidenced by the intertextual reference “And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest”. Thus, the final scene of the play elucidates how experiences of humanist spirituality allow for liberation in a secular paradigm through a religious allusion in the stage directions “The instant she is naked and beautiful, reaching for the light - Lights out”. It is evident that through humanist spirituality and experiences of suffering, Edson adapts the religious values of Donne’s Renaissance poetry to suit a secular milieu.
In summary, the importance of emotional connection in allowing individuals the capacity to achieve salvation and comfort in death is one immortalised across both the Counter-Reformation context of Donne and the postmodern secular milieu of Margaret Edson’s “W;t”. Whereas in Donne’s poetry however, religious research and subversion of contextual authorities served as a form of liberation, Edson poses that a lack of spiritual and emotional connection through academic obsession inhibits personal fulfilment. Ultimately, Edson reshapes ideals surrounding reconciliation as a catalyst for redemption through the notion that humanist spirituality and suffering are essential components in reaching ascension.
Perennial notions pertaining to personal fulfilment through spiritual or emotional connections are ideals which allow texts to transcend contextual barriers. In John Donne’s 17th Century metaphysical poetry, the composer explores timeless concerns of salvation from a subversive religious standpoint. Donne argues that through humanistic experiences and spiritual rationalisation, one may transcend the physical dimension and achieve a state of introspective resolution. Margaret Edson's postmodern play W;t (1995) inventively remodels these timeless human concerns to reflect a secular milieu wherein academic obsession adversely impacts upon one’s capacity to confront mortality. It is posed by Edson that in such a paradigm, suffering and meaningful emotional connections are paramount to service the individual passion for ascension present across both secular and religious contexts.
The ability of academia to provide existential relief, evidenced by Donne’s subversion of religious authority, is challenged by Edson in a secular paradigm wherein scholarly obsession prevents human connection and fulfilment. In W;t, the academic elitist Vivian Bearing is satirically depicted by Edson in a sterile clinical setting to epitomise the inability of research to offer insight into death and the hereafter. The perennial anxiety surrounding death and salvation is present through the medical industry’s search for a ‘cure for cancer’, driving them to conduct research on individuals such as the scholarly ovarian cancer patient. Edson poses a commentary upon the status-driven nature of knowledge in such a secular paradigm wherein Vivian explains in an arrogant tone “After twenty years, I can say with confidence, no one is quite as good as I”. However, by enamouring herself with knowledge, the protagonist is left ill-equipped to face her own mortality. Edson’s incorporation of ellipsis within Vivian’s existential questioning “I’m in a… quandary, having these...doubts” reveals her remorse at her academic obsession whilst also serving as a condemnation of the apathetic medical industry. Adversely, within Donne’s sonnet “Death be Not Proud” the poet utilises religious research gained as a priest of St. Paul’s Cathedral to successfully challenge the contextual authority of death. Donne’s demeaning employment of metaphysical conceit in “One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally” employs the discernment of biblical teachings prevalent in his Counter-Reformation context to argue that death is merely a passage to the afterlife and thus should not be feared. Clearly, diverging contexts reveal different interpretations of the capacity of knowledge to offer one existential relief.
Universally applicable to both texts is the significance of human relationships in providing enrichment to individuals and thereby in facilitating an effective confrontation of one’s mortality. Donne’s romantic monologue “A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning” explores the ability of sacrosanct platonic relationships to allow one to transcend physical and contextual boundaries. The central compass conceit in which “The fix’d foot” of his lover is eternally linked to himself “As stiff twin compasses are two” incorporates a circular motif to reference the prevalent Renaissance symbol of perfect unity. Through this, the poet poses a commentary upon the ability of emotional connection to surpass the barrier of death; as evidenced by the euphemistic simile “as virtuous men pass mildly away”. It is here that Donne manifests religious values pertaining to eternal life to argue the necessity of human connection in the individual experience of a complete life. In contrast to the empathetic approach evident in Donne’s poetry, Edson presents an emotionless academic perspective on the anxious search for salvation in a secular paradigm. The composer’s inclusion of alienating devices such as the breaking down of the fourth wall in “It is not my intention to give away the plot, but I think i die at the end” evoke a sense of detachment within the audience as Vivian metaphorically likens herself to a “specimen jar”. This references the dehumanised nature of contemporary institutionalisation wherein the harsh nature of medical treatment and the absence of ‘bedside manner’, which is likened to a ‘colossal waste of time’ by Jason, prevents comfort in the face of death. Edson’s direct intertextual reference to the poem wherein Vivian in a pedantic tone elucidates “A breach, but an ex-pan-see-on” furthers the satire of apathetic contemporary academia through a dismissal of Donne’s theme of enduring love. Further, it serves as a turning point wherein Bearing epiphanically accepts that “Now is not the time for verbal swordplay” as she instead longs for the humanistic experiences of Donne. Thus, it is reinforced that a lack of emotional connection inhibits the achievement of contentment in the face of mortality.
The spiritual pilgrimage to service one’s passion for redemption is furthered by reconciliation facilitated by religious milieus, however requires suffering and humanistic experiences in a secular paradigm. Vivian’s shifting psyche whereby she discovers the need for emotional connection to attain liberation in a contemporary context is hindered by her concern with self-effacement and dignity in death. Thus, Edson employs a satirical intertextual reference to Donne’s sonnet “My Play’s Last Scene” in “my pilgrimages last mile...I have broken the record...but I flatter myself…” as the protagonist seeks repentance, illustrating her ineptitude in reaching personal fulfilment due to a lack of human connection. Akin to this, Donne’s poem explores the religious search for reconciliation to achieve salvation through pleading with God for forgiveness in death pursuant to his religious context. The poet’s abandonment of earlier love poetry owing to his spiritual crisis wherein he transitions from Catholicism to Anglicanism is exemplified in Donne’s fearful personification “gluttonous death will instantly unjoin my body and soul”. The implicated notion that reflection upon one’s spiritual journey is essential in achieving salvation is furthered by the persona’s fear of unworthiness to ascend to heaven in the volta break “As my soul to heaven...takes flight” where an acknowledgement of death’s inevitability with the spiritual comfort of immortality orchestrates the persona’s release from sin. Edson skilfully adapts such notions in a secular milieu through posing that “infernal tests” are necessary in achieving salvation due to a lack of perceived emotional connection; with the playwright incorporating black humour in the protagonists reflection “It would be a relief to be a cheerleader”. Vivian’s anagnorisis of her academic obsession is aided by Susie through the symbolism of the popsicle whereby the protagonist undergoes shared emotional experiences, which ultimately allow her to shed the academia of Donne’s metaphysical poetry for the emotion of Shakespeare; as evidenced by the intertextual reference “And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest”. Thus, the final scene of the play elucidates how experiences of humanist spirituality allow for liberation in a secular paradigm through a religious allusion in the stage directions “The instant she is naked and beautiful, reaching for the light - Lights out”. It is evident that through humanist spirituality and experiences of suffering, Edson adapts the religious values of Donne’s Renaissance poetry to suit a secular milieu.
In summary, the importance of emotional connection in allowing individuals the capacity to achieve salvation and comfort in death is one immortalised across both the Counter-Reformation context of Donne and the postmodern secular milieu of Margaret Edson’s “W;t”. Whereas in Donne’s poetry however, religious research and subversion of contextual authorities served as a form of liberation, Edson poses that a lack of spiritual and emotional connection through academic obsession inhibits personal fulfilment. Ultimately, Edson reshapes ideals surrounding reconciliation as a catalyst for redemption through the notion that humanist spirituality and suffering are essential components in reaching ascension.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 05, 2016, 10:16:46 pm
I should have enough for two. The last time i had an essay marked i was on 35 posts, i gained more than 30 more posts since then so i should be able to get 2 marked.
Ahh right you are, sorry! I accidentally counted one of the essays you posted but deleted before it received feedback, you are on the list! ;D
Post by: lha on October 05, 2016, 10:23:12 pm
Ahh right you are, sorry! I accidentally counted one of the essays you posted but deleted before it received feedback, you are on the list! ;D
Ahaha thats okay! Thank you!
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 05, 2016, 10:26:16 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 05, 2016, 10:39:07 pm
Hey Elyse thank you so much for marking my essay ill definitely work more on my formality and use of embedding quotes. Thank you for taking the time to mark my Mod A, also i was just wondering when I can post another essay?
Edit: Hey Mary! My math (and a nifty spreadsheet ;)) says you need to hit 40 posts for your next bit of feedback, which you've done, so you can post another one whenever you like! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 05, 2016, 11:59:41 pm
Heyo,
Here is a Module C essay I wrote on Auden's poetry, if someone could kindly mark this for me. Thank you :)
Howdy Pels! Not a worry, your essay is in the spoiler below with comments in bold! ;D
Spoiler
Question - How do composers construct texts that reveal both the reasons for and impact of people's particular political motivations?
In your response make reference to TWO of Auden's poems.
Two chosen poems: 'Spain', 'O What Is That Sound?'
Throughout history, there have been many events that have occurred that have allowed for mankind to attain certain beliefs and perspectives in relation to politics and therefore political motivations, upon further reflection of the past. Could you give me some examples/details about what these perspectives might be? Essential to link properly to the question. Poets such as the witty English poet W.H. Auden born in York in 1907 were inspired to write pieces which criticised/commented on the reasons for and the impact of people's political motivations, through their own unique representation of key historical events or figures throughout the ages. I'm looking for a little more beef in this introduction; mainly this should come from going into the idea of 'political motivations' - What plays a role? Greed? Manipulation? Explore these sorts of things, introductions should be a solid 4-5 sentences in length :)
As a result of his political sympathies, Auden believed that for his work to be considered valid he must experience the cruelty of war firsthand, and thus was inspired to go to Spain in 1937 at the time of the Civil War. “I am not one of those who believe that poetry need or even should be directly political. But in a critical period such as ours, I do believe that the poet must have direct knowledge of the major political events.” Be sure to identify that you are quoting Auden here, the quote works well regardless. This reveals that Auden believed that his political motivations were only strengthened and valid if he experienced firsthand the political events of the war. As a result, Auden's most renowned texts which include 'O What Is That Sound?' as well as 'Spain', have indefinitely influenced and revealed both the reasons for and impact of his particular political motivations. This feels like information that could be summarised in a sentence or two and mixed into your introduction! Try to get straight into the analysis of how the idea of political motivation is constructed in your texts (through techniques).
A text that has distinctly revealed both the reasons for and impact of people's particular political motivations is Auden's poem titled 'Spain'. What are these impacts and reasons? Through this poem, Auden is commenting on the past, present and future endeavours of Spain, and the immediacy of the suffering and restrictions imposed by the Civil War. In doing so, Auden directs this poem to the general public of Europe during the late 1930's. Good links to audience.
The poem emphasises the pain and struggle that is to come but the amending and joy of 'tomorrow'. War and death are presented in the poem through the vast geography and use of imagery, "and the nations combine each cry". Be specific - Exactly what does Auden want to show us about war and death? This reveals Auden's political motivations, as he wanted for the young left-wing Pro-Marxist English writers to show their support for the Spanish Republicans fighting in the Civil War, which is exacerbated through the use of the words "intervene" and "descend", highlighting a true need for support against the villainous Nationalists. I don't quite buy that link between the imagery and the political motivations of Auden, I think you might need to approach that a little bit differently.
The poem is written with three main tones. A nostalgic tone as seen through 'yesterday' (the past), a lamenting tone for today (the present), and a hopeful tone (for the future), although the overall tone is wistful, emphasised through final statement "May say Alas but cannot help nor pardon." Auden's use of this tone is indicative of the cruelty imposed on Spain by the right-wing Nationalists led by Franco, and by implementing this tone in the poem it reveals Auden's political motivations against the right-wing Nationalists. Try to trim the unnecessary detail; you could get all of this done in one sentence (see below).
Auden's use of descriptive language, through the manipulation of both positive and negative imagery, are used to create overpowering images in the readers mind. Good. The vast imagery through the "motionless eagle eyeing the valley", and "tomorrow the bicycle races", juxtapose heavily to the notion of "to-day the struggle". Great! What does this achieve though? What does the audience realise as a result of this juxtaposition? What does it show us about political motivations?The personification used in stanza 14, "Yes, I am Spain" makes it evident that the Nationalist forces are an obstacle for Spain, restricting its freedom as well as its inhabitants freedom and normal way of life, and thus influencing the reader to take a side on the issue of war. Again, what is the link to the question?
Symbolism is also manipulated by Auden in 'Spain' in stanza 18. "To the medicine ad, and the brochure of winter cruises have become invading battalions", is symbolic of the extreme changes that Spain had faced due to the conflict of war, and reveals a true juxtaposition between a once desired location, now changed into a battlefield. Be careful not to focus completely on the context of the work; you need to be looking at what it says about the theme generally too. If it was only relevant to Spain; what would the audience gain? In addition to this, Auden reveals that the right-wing Spanish Nationalists under the rule of General Franco, had superimposed their fascist beliefs upon the people of Spain, which Auden comments on through the quote "Corrupt heart of the city.", reinforcing the huge divide between the rich Nationalist landowners and businessmen) versus the Republicans being agricultural labourers and middle-class workers). What quote is this? Try to never give a quote without a technique.
All in all, Auden's poem 'Spain' was evidently created on the basis of his political motivations against the Nationalist Spanish regimes, and is a direct call to political action and support for the Republicans, as it reflects an great sense of the people involved in this tragic political war and the personification of Spain as a living entity itself. This would work as a great conclusion if you blended everything above into a single paragraph! And this next sentence would start you off for your next paragraph... Similarly, Auden's poem titled 'O What Is That Sound?' is reflective of the impending doom and generally the universality and everlasting tragedy of war, as well as the general impact that fascist regimes such as those of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini during the 1940's had on such Western cultures. Read this sentence and then the question; are you still answering the question at this point?
The tone of the poem is achieved instantly through the title 'O What Is That Sound?', which creates a sense of ambiguity for the reader, in the sense that it is uncertain what sound Auden is referring to in the title. Good links to audience, it is also a rhetorical question! Through the title, an eerie mood is imposed instantly, reinstating the sense of impending doom.
'O What Is That Sound?' is structured in the ABAB rhyme scheme, which is in correspondence with the two voices heard throughout the poem, assumed to be one male and one female. This is a statement of fact/interpretation of the poem. It doesn't link to any concept and doesn't give any new interpretations; and thus is irrelevant. Auden establishes a strong relationship between the two voices, which makes the poem seem much more personal, putting it in the much larger political picture of war, whilst also creating sympathy through descriptive words such as 'wounded'. How is this relationship established? Therefore, Auden's political motivations are reinforced through the way he portrays the effects that war has on people, and its everlasting universality. Again, good ideas, but expressing them more succinctly would allow you to develop a better structure!
Additionally, through the use of images such as that of the 'scarlet soldiers' and the 'cunning farmer', Auden presents a variety of images of war that are ambiguous in relation to the time period they are set in, which emphasises the negativity of war throughout the ages. Ideally, Auden's political motivations are seen as he cleverly paints the war as a lost cause and a dark and disturbing time in history. This is better! Good good.
The confusion of the female voice is exacerbated through her constant asking of questions - stanza 2 - "Over the distance brightly, brightly?", as well as "O what is that light I see flashing so clear." Try to use the proper term of rhetorical question! Through the use of these literary techniques, Auden is able to portray a life of impending demise and the everlasting effects of war. By portraying the woman as scared, requiring reassurance from her partner, Auden could be commenting on the panic and distress brought upon the world due to the political parties during that period in history, particularly Hitler's Nazi Party and Mussolini's Italian army. Be high modality! Don't say "could be," be confident in your own ideas!
Auden's political motivations are represented in the final stanza of the poem through the stark imagery and symbolism. "Their feet are heavy on the floor, And their eyes are burning", contrasts to the previous stanzas in which the conversation between the two voices is quite stable and then builds up to a climax, lurking closer to disaster. The imagery of the burning eyes reinforces the hate and lust for power that fuels the soldiers marching ahead. Auden represents this overpowering notion in such a distinctive way which connects with the reader effectively, creating sympathy and affinity for the characters in Auden's poem. Again, re-read the question at the latter stages of your essay - Still answering?
In your response make reference to TWO of Auden's poems.
Two chosen poems: 'Spain', 'O What Is That Sound?'
Throughout history, there have been many events that have occurred that have allowed for mankind to attain certain beliefs and perspectives in relation to politics and therefore political motivations, upon further reflection of the past. Could you give me some examples/details about what these perspectives might be? Essential to link properly to the question. Poets such as the witty English poet W.H. Auden born in York in 1907 were inspired to write pieces which criticised/commented on the reasons for and the impact of people's political motivations, through their own unique representation of key historical events or figures throughout the ages. I'm looking for a little more beef in this introduction; mainly this should come from going into the idea of 'political motivations' - What plays a role? Greed? Manipulation? Explore these sorts of things, introductions should be a solid 4-5 sentences in length :)
As a result of his political sympathies, Auden believed that for his work to be considered valid he must experience the cruelty of war firsthand, and thus was inspired to go to Spain in 1937 at the time of the Civil War. “I am not one of those who believe that poetry need or even should be directly political. But in a critical period such as ours, I do believe that the poet must have direct knowledge of the major political events.” Be sure to identify that you are quoting Auden here, the quote works well regardless. This reveals that Auden believed that his political motivations were only strengthened and valid if he experienced firsthand the political events of the war. As a result, Auden's most renowned texts which include 'O What Is That Sound?' as well as 'Spain', have indefinitely influenced and revealed both the reasons for and impact of his particular political motivations. This feels like information that could be summarised in a sentence or two and mixed into your introduction! Try to get straight into the analysis of how the idea of political motivation is constructed in your texts (through techniques).
A text that has distinctly revealed both the reasons for and impact of people's particular political motivations is Auden's poem titled 'Spain'. What are these impacts and reasons? Through this poem, Auden is commenting on the past, present and future endeavours of Spain, and the immediacy of the suffering and restrictions imposed by the Civil War. In doing so, Auden directs this poem to the general public of Europe during the late 1930's. Good links to audience.
The poem emphasises the pain and struggle that is to come but the amending and joy of 'tomorrow'. War and death are presented in the poem through the vast geography and use of imagery, "and the nations combine each cry". Be specific - Exactly what does Auden want to show us about war and death? This reveals Auden's political motivations, as he wanted for the young left-wing Pro-Marxist English writers to show their support for the Spanish Republicans fighting in the Civil War, which is exacerbated through the use of the words "intervene" and "descend", highlighting a true need for support against the villainous Nationalists. I don't quite buy that link between the imagery and the political motivations of Auden, I think you might need to approach that a little bit differently.
The poem is written with three main tones. A nostalgic tone as seen through 'yesterday' (the past), a lamenting tone for today (the present), and a hopeful tone (for the future), although the overall tone is wistful, emphasised through final statement "May say Alas but cannot help nor pardon." Auden's use of this tone is indicative of the cruelty imposed on Spain by the right-wing Nationalists led by Franco, and by implementing this tone in the poem it reveals Auden's political motivations against the right-wing Nationalists. Try to trim the unnecessary detail; you could get all of this done in one sentence (see below).
Auden's use of descriptive language, through the manipulation of both positive and negative imagery, are used to create overpowering images in the readers mind. Good. The vast imagery through the "motionless eagle eyeing the valley", and "tomorrow the bicycle races", juxtapose heavily to the notion of "to-day the struggle". Great! What does this achieve though? What does the audience realise as a result of this juxtaposition? What does it show us about political motivations?The personification used in stanza 14, "Yes, I am Spain" makes it evident that the Nationalist forces are an obstacle for Spain, restricting its freedom as well as its inhabitants freedom and normal way of life, and thus influencing the reader to take a side on the issue of war. Again, what is the link to the question?
Symbolism is also manipulated by Auden in 'Spain' in stanza 18. "To the medicine ad, and the brochure of winter cruises have become invading battalions", is symbolic of the extreme changes that Spain had faced due to the conflict of war, and reveals a true juxtaposition between a once desired location, now changed into a battlefield. Be careful not to focus completely on the context of the work; you need to be looking at what it says about the theme generally too. If it was only relevant to Spain; what would the audience gain? In addition to this, Auden reveals that the right-wing Spanish Nationalists under the rule of General Franco, had superimposed their fascist beliefs upon the people of Spain, which Auden comments on through the quote "Corrupt heart of the city.", reinforcing the huge divide between the rich Nationalist landowners and businessmen) versus the Republicans being agricultural labourers and middle-class workers). What quote is this? Try to never give a quote without a technique.
All in all, Auden's poem 'Spain' was evidently created on the basis of his political motivations against the Nationalist Spanish regimes, and is a direct call to political action and support for the Republicans, as it reflects an great sense of the people involved in this tragic political war and the personification of Spain as a living entity itself. This would work as a great conclusion if you blended everything above into a single paragraph! And this next sentence would start you off for your next paragraph... Similarly, Auden's poem titled 'O What Is That Sound?' is reflective of the impending doom and generally the universality and everlasting tragedy of war, as well as the general impact that fascist regimes such as those of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini during the 1940's had on such Western cultures. Read this sentence and then the question; are you still answering the question at this point?
The tone of the poem is achieved instantly through the title 'O What Is That Sound?', which creates a sense of ambiguity for the reader, in the sense that it is uncertain what sound Auden is referring to in the title. Good links to audience, it is also a rhetorical question! Through the title, an eerie mood is imposed instantly, reinstating the sense of impending doom.
'O What Is That Sound?' is structured in the ABAB rhyme scheme, which is in correspondence with the two voices heard throughout the poem, assumed to be one male and one female. This is a statement of fact/interpretation of the poem. It doesn't link to any concept and doesn't give any new interpretations; and thus is irrelevant. Auden establishes a strong relationship between the two voices, which makes the poem seem much more personal, putting it in the much larger political picture of war, whilst also creating sympathy through descriptive words such as 'wounded'. How is this relationship established? Therefore, Auden's political motivations are reinforced through the way he portrays the effects that war has on people, and its everlasting universality. Again, good ideas, but expressing them more succinctly would allow you to develop a better structure!
Additionally, through the use of images such as that of the 'scarlet soldiers' and the 'cunning farmer', Auden presents a variety of images of war that are ambiguous in relation to the time period they are set in, which emphasises the negativity of war throughout the ages. Ideally, Auden's political motivations are seen as he cleverly paints the war as a lost cause and a dark and disturbing time in history. This is better! Good good.
The confusion of the female voice is exacerbated through her constant asking of questions - stanza 2 - "Over the distance brightly, brightly?", as well as "O what is that light I see flashing so clear." Try to use the proper term of rhetorical question! Through the use of these literary techniques, Auden is able to portray a life of impending demise and the everlasting effects of war. By portraying the woman as scared, requiring reassurance from her partner, Auden could be commenting on the panic and distress brought upon the world due to the political parties during that period in history, particularly Hitler's Nazi Party and Mussolini's Italian army. Be high modality! Don't say "could be," be confident in your own ideas!
Auden's political motivations are represented in the final stanza of the poem through the stark imagery and symbolism. "Their feet are heavy on the floor, And their eyes are burning", contrasts to the previous stanzas in which the conversation between the two voices is quite stable and then builds up to a climax, lurking closer to disaster. The imagery of the burning eyes reinforces the hate and lust for power that fuels the soldiers marching ahead. Auden represents this overpowering notion in such a distinctive way which connects with the reader effectively, creating sympathy and affinity for the characters in Auden's poem. Again, re-read the question at the latter stages of your essay - Still answering?
This essay has some great idea Pels! And definitely some great knowledge of text and incredible contextual detail, so great stuff there! I'd have two main recommendations.
The first would be ensuring you answer the question properly. This question and module demands that you explore how the composer uses techniques to portray the theme of political motivations in the text. However, you need to explore this theme generally: How does the composer say things about the theme that are relevant to the audience? Right now, your essay explores the effects of techniques in the text (not necessarily linked to the theme of political motivation), and links them to Auden's political motivations. While elements of this are really great, it isn't quite what is required here.
You need to develop the theme of political motivation more effectively. There are several ways you can do this. Some more detail in your Thesis will do wonders, and beyond that, just more explicitly asking yourself; What does this technique do to teach the audience something about political motivations. Techniques representing meaning are the focus of this module :)
The other suggestion I have is on structure; try to shift away from these smaller paragraphs. It tends to act as a barrier to a good expression of ideas, since you have so much stopping and starting. At least, in my opinion, you should try a more typical structure. Get everything into (potentially) two paragraphs, one on each text. To do this you'll need to do some trimming...
So here is one of the paragraphs:
The poem is written with three main tones. A nostalgic tone as seen through 'yesterday' (the past), a lamenting tone for today (the present), and a hopeful tone (for the future), although the overall tone is wistful, emphasised through final statement "May say Alas but cannot help nor pardon." Auden's use of this tone is indicative of the cruelty imposed on Spain by the right-wing Nationalists led by Franco, and by implementing this tone in the poem it reveals Auden's political motivations against the right-wing Nationalists.
And here is how I would communicate that information (removing the quote because I'm not sure how I would personally use it here):
The juxtaposition of a variety of lamenting, nostalgic and wistful tones develops our understanding of the Spanish political context, as we come to empathise with Auden's motivations.
Don't know the texts, so take me at face value, but the idea here is being succinct. The focus should be analysis! You don't have to describe how the techniques are used, just tell me what they are and what they show us! :)
In terms of conclusions, I'm of the belief they should do the following:
- Restate your Thesis
- Relist the arguments you've made
- Restate your final position, the big conclusion you've come to from your essay!
Notice there is nothing new; conclusions should give no new info! If your essay is the gift, the conclusion is the wrapping paper bringing it all together :)
So in summary; great contextual and textual knowledge. I need some clearer conceptual development to properly answer the question, and less unnecessary detail to allow you to improve your structure. Great work Pels!! Definitely the makings of a really powerful essay here, just some changes to polish it up :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 01:32:18 am
Hey this is my mod c essay. Could i please have it critically marked and also a mark out of 20 that you think i will get (with your knowledge of the syllabus and marking criteria)? Also, I want to get it down to 1000-1100 words so I have strikedthrough some stuff, could you please let me know if i can get rid of that stuff or if its too valuable to delete, and also if there are any other suggestions as to what else i can cut down, they will be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
Hey lha! Sure thing, your essay is attached with comments in bold ;D
Spoiler
At the core of universal society are political perspectives, and the recognition that the most telling representations of significant political situations in that society are often provided in its texts. Ohh very nice, "History is written by the victors" style stuff, cool! Barry Levinson and Pablo Picasso have formulated their own acknowledgement of this interrelationship within Wag the Dog (1997) and “Guernica” (1937), respectively; texts which utilise their own real world context as a tool to render their points palatable to an unfamiliar audience. Great. Their representation focuses on their own perspectives of the presence of corruption and manipulation at the foundation of political systems; that an individual’s reliance on political idols stimulates their trust for a deceitful organisation while constituting a degree of vulnerability to gullibility. Fantastic introduction of concepts here. Levinson and Picasso’s representation of real life political events occurring in their contexts therefore offer new understandings of the manipulative influence that a corrupt political system has on the broader world. Near perfect introduction, not much I can say at all, great work!
Levinson’s characterisation of the corruption at the core of politics is expressed most clearly through the consequences he suggests this has on the broader world; Wag The Dog essentially forming an allegory of the effect political power structures can have on a society when left unchecked. You can definitely remove that if you like :) Levinson’s primary expression of the corruptive behaviour of politically dominant authority is the satirical nature of his representation of a fictional political scandal. Satire, as shown through the dialogue of Tracy, “what would they do if I did tell someone?” and Brean’s response, “come to your house and kill you”, is relied upon by Levinson as a textual form to mirror the political perspectives of the text to the audience’s understanding of their own world. Any particular things in the audiences context that this could play to? Effective analysis! Furthermore, Levinson’s cynical political perspective is affirmed in Brean’s condescending tone as he addresses his colleagues as “you kids”; an expression to the film’s audience of not only his valuable positioning in the political party, but Levinson’s own perspective of a common cause of corruption within it. Therefore, Levinson’s representation of Brean as a surreptitious power broker is ultimately an analogy for his wider political perspective; that within his filmic version of politics, itself a reflection of his own society, corruptive behaviour is rife. An effective paragraph! I'd like to see you develop the idea of 'corruption' a little more strongly, it doesn't come across as strongly as it could. That said, fantastic analytical style :)
Levinson’s critique of politics expands beyond the corruption within it to the ability of politicians to utilise this corruption to their own ends; the manipulative power of politics being asserted by means of the representation of a political party’s ability to retaliate against defamatory political situations. A fantastic 'build' from your earlier arguments, a clever tough to tie things together! A primary example of these situations is the close-up shot of the actors’ eyes in the film’s political advertisement campaign, coexisting with the repetitive, metaphorical statement to “not change horses midstream”; a representation of the persuasion of the internal audience to the viewers. What is the effect of this? What do we learn about corruption from this? Furthermore, Brean’s hyperbolic tone within, “what have they done for us?” allows the viewers to observe the manipulation of Motss to agree with him on his decision to stage a war; fluently presenting to the audience Levinson’s belief of the subtle tactics used by “spin doctors” to profoundly manipulate the public. Good, but be very careful here (and it happened above also), never give credit for a technique to a character. It MUST go to a composer! The characters are just puppets. In conjunction, the omnipotent perspective of the manipulation observed is conveyed to the external audience through Brean’s foreshadowing dialogue that “we’re not gonna have a war, we’re gonna have the appearance of a war”. Again, what do we learn from this? Thus, Levinson’s articulation of his perspective of the manipulation used by political cadre is used in this response to a political situation to offer new understandings of the individuals in the film and to present politics to the audience in a manner allowing a higher receptiveness to his satire. Another fantastic paragraph with the same comment as above; just a little more detail in some areas to make it shine. Particularly here, some more explicit audience links would be welcome.
Picasso uses “Guernica” to frame political manipulation in a manner more appropriate to his own context; his representation of his own political perspective of the Spanish War intended to expose the corruption at the core of it. His explicitness in detail within the light-toned beheaded human reaching with his hand at the bottom of the painting, in conjunction with the salient horse, silently wailing in the middle, has further emphasized Picasso’s perspective of the aftermath of manipulation into partaking in such political events. How does the horse further this idea? Not quite obvious to me right now. Furthermore, the pain-filled facial expressions along with the sorrowful gaze of the bull’s eyes, have been utilised by Picasso to create sympathy amongst the audience for the people in war, consequentially, “manipulating” the viewers into changing their perspective of political conflict. I need a concluding sentence here - Yes, you do! ;) it seems most of your ideas here are on imagery, perhaps tie the visual representation of ideas to their impact on the audience, or something? I'll also note at this point that there is a definite imbalance between your Prescribed and ORT.
The representation of manipulation in Levinson’s text is not one-dimensional however, his illumination of the gullibility of the public attributing to them a portion of the blame for the corruption of politics. Again, super clever. Levinson‘s satirical portrayal of the internal public to the external audience in an unintelligent and deceivable light, as shown through Motss‘ rhetorical dialogue, “what does it matter if it’s true?“, positions the audience to understand the reality of their broader world.In addition, the significance of the dimly lit scene in which Motts and Brean are seen throwing shoes into a tree, is reaffirmed by Motss‘ high modality dialogue where he foreshadows that they are making “history Connie!“. Definitely worthy of removal. In addition, the following scene consisting of a montage of panning shots, with a single pair of shoes combining with a focused shot of many others, is used as a microcosm to represent to the audience the abundance of citizens that politics has deluded. Removal is fine; be sure to limit scene description to a bare minimum and focus on the represented themes! In addition Furthermore, a satirical, non-diegetic score, repeating the words “old shoe”, portrays the ease and progression of naivety amongst the gullible public to the viewers. Removal is good. Moreover, the girl hired to unknowingly impersonate an Albanian amidst an Albanian war exclaims that she “can’t wait to put this on [her] resume!“. This is a bit too much retell reliant here. Her callowness is used by Levinson as a satirical means to subject the audience to his perspective of a dupable world to political schemes; his ultimate intention being to assert the reality of what he deemed to be a corrupt and broken political system. Ensure you have a concluding sentence here too!
Picasso is aligned with Levinson in the depiction of a dupable world; his perspective of the politics of his own time framing a similar picture of the gullibility of its people. Good intertextual link. His depiction of the individuals in white colour, representing their purity and innocence, reflects the external public’s gullibility through the relatable event. Fabulous. Picasso’s conveyance of the pain is shown through dark green, grey and black tones throughout the painting to create a melancholic mood, effectively creating a new perspective amongst the gullible audience. What perspective is this? Likewise, the mother’s body language symbolising her sad emotions as she cradles her deceased child, is composed by Picasso in the ground layer of the painting to present the deceit by political figures on their people and the shock of the reality of their actions. Similarly to Levinson, Picasso has effectively portrayed the tactics used by politics to manipulate a gullible public, and as a result, the shocking reality we face once we realise the truth. Good paragraph, but the evidence here simply doesn't match the powerful things you've done with the Prescribed Text.
In summation, Wag the Dog and “Guernica”, are eloquent of the corruption within politics due to the manipulation by politicians and the gullible nature of their submissive public. Levinson and Picasso’s perspectives towards these issues have been communicated through the use of textual devices specific to their mediums to; offering new understandings of individuals and politics to the external audience. The idea of different forms/mediums is something I'd like to see you explicitly explore a little more in the essay.Thus, through the representation of Levinson and Picasso’s political perspectives, new understandings have been offered to an external audience.I would keep this last sentence, and make it more theme specific also.
Levinson’s characterisation of the corruption at the core of politics is expressed most clearly through the consequences he suggests this has on the broader world; Wag The Dog essentially forming an allegory of the effect political power structures can have on a society
Levinson’s critique of politics expands beyond the corruption within it to the ability of politicians to utilise this corruption to their own ends; the manipulative power of politics being asserted by means of the representation of a political party’s ability to retaliate against defamatory political situations. A fantastic 'build' from your earlier arguments, a clever tough to tie things together! A primary example of these situations is the close-up shot of the actors’ eyes in the film’s political advertisement campaign, coexisting with the repetitive, metaphorical statement to “not change horses midstream”; a representation of the persuasion of the internal audience to the viewers. What is the effect of this? What do we learn about corruption from this? Furthermore, Brean’s hyperbolic tone within, “what have they done for us?” allows the viewers to observe the manipulation of Motss to agree with him on his decision to stage a war; fluently presenting to the audience Levinson’s belief of the subtle tactics used by “spin doctors” to profoundly manipulate the public. Good, but be very careful here (and it happened above also), never give credit for a technique to a character. It MUST go to a composer! The characters are just puppets. In conjunction, the omnipotent perspective of the manipulation observed is conveyed to the external audience through Brean’s foreshadowing dialogue that “we’re not gonna have a war, we’re gonna have the appearance of a war”. Again, what do we learn from this? Thus, Levinson’s articulation of his perspective of the manipulation used by political cadre is used in this response to a political situation to offer new understandings of the individuals in the film and to present politics to the audience in a manner allowing a higher receptiveness to his satire. Another fantastic paragraph with the same comment as above; just a little more detail in some areas to make it shine. Particularly here, some more explicit audience links would be welcome.
Picasso uses “Guernica” to frame political manipulation in a manner more appropriate to his own context; his representation of his own political perspective of the Spanish War intended to expose the corruption at the core of it. His explicitness in detail within the light-toned beheaded human reaching with his hand at the bottom of the painting, in conjunction with the salient horse, silently wailing in the middle, has further emphasized Picasso’s perspective of the aftermath of manipulation into partaking in such political events. How does the horse further this idea? Not quite obvious to me right now. Furthermore, the pain-filled facial expressions along with the sorrowful gaze of the bull’s eyes, have been utilised by Picasso to create sympathy amongst the audience for the people in war, consequentially, “manipulating” the viewers into changing their perspective of political conflict. I need a concluding sentence here - Yes, you do! ;) it seems most of your ideas here are on imagery, perhaps tie the visual representation of ideas to their impact on the audience, or something? I'll also note at this point that there is a definite imbalance between your Prescribed and ORT.
The representation of manipulation in Levinson’s text is not one-dimensional however, his illumination of the gullibility of the public attributing to them a portion of the blame for the corruption of politics. Again, super clever. Levinson‘s satirical portrayal of the internal public to the external audience in an unintelligent and deceivable light, as shown through Motss‘ rhetorical dialogue, “what does it matter if it’s true?“, positions the audience to understand the reality of their broader world.
Picasso is aligned with Levinson in the depiction of a dupable world; his perspective of the politics of his own time framing a similar picture of the gullibility of its people. Good intertextual link. His depiction of the individuals in white colour, representing their purity and innocence, reflects the external public’s gullibility through the relatable event. Fabulous. Picasso’s conveyance of the pain is shown through dark green, grey and black tones throughout the painting to create a melancholic mood, effectively creating a new perspective amongst the gullible audience. What perspective is this? Likewise, the mother’s body language symbolising her sad emotions as she cradles her deceased child, is composed by Picasso in the ground layer of the painting to present the deceit by political figures on their people and the shock of the reality of their actions. Similarly to Levinson, Picasso has effectively portrayed the tactics used by politics to manipulate a gullible public, and as a result, the shocking reality we face once we realise the truth. Good paragraph, but the evidence here simply doesn't match the powerful things you've done with the Prescribed Text.
In summation, Wag the Dog and “Guernica”, are eloquent of the corruption within politics due to the manipulation by politicians and the gullible nature of their submissive public. Levinson and Picasso’s perspectives towards these issues have been communicated through the use of textual devices specific to their mediums to; offering new understandings of individuals and politics to the external audience. The idea of different forms/mediums is something I'd like to see you explicitly explore a little more in the essay.
This is an absolutely killer essay lha! I'm glad you corrected my count; it was a pleasure to read ;) very clever concepts, excellent analysis, fantastic structure, and superb expression. Really, really well done!! ;D
My comments throughout cover most of my recommendations; little bits of extra detail here, avoiding a bit of retell there, etc etc. The one over-arching comment I'd make is on the balance between your Prescribed and ORT. Right now you have 3 vs 2 paragraphs, but the two ORT paragraphs are also the shortest, so you are at about a 75-25 split. This is too far swung towards Prescribed, in my opinion.
Put simply, you have absolutely blown your Prescribed out of the water. Bloody brilliant. But your ORT can't hope to compare, and that isn't a good thing for the marker, because the strength and sophistication of your argument suffers.
There are a few things you could try. The simplest would just be beefing up the ORT paragraphs. You could also explore integrating your essay (this could also let you compare the use of techniques across mediums, something you touched on in the conclusion that I'd like to see more of). Or, and I don't strictly think this is necessary, you could change your ORT. I don't recommend that here though, but it is an option. This late in the game, I reckon just beefing up your ORT paragraphs with an extra sentence or two should fix you :)
A fantastic essay lha, absolutely wonderful work! :)
Post by: lha on October 06, 2016, 07:11:55 am
Hey lha! Sure thing, your essay is attached with comments in bold ;DSpoilerAt the core of universal society are political perspectives, and the recognition that the most telling representations of significant political situations in that society are often provided in its texts. Ohh very nice, "History is written by the victors" style stuff, cool! Barry Levinson and Pablo Picasso have formulated their own acknowledgement of this interrelationship within Wag the Dog (1997) and “Guernica” (1937), respectively; texts which utilise their own real world context as a tool to render their points palatable to an unfamiliar audience. Great. Their representation focuses on their own perspectives of the presence of corruption and manipulation at the foundation of political systems; that an individual’s reliance on political idols stimulates their trust for a deceitful organisation while constituting a degree of vulnerability to gullibility. Fantastic introduction of concepts here. Levinson and Picasso’s representation of real life political events occurring in their contexts therefore offer new understandings of the manipulative influence that a corrupt political system has on the broader world. Near perfect introduction, not much I can say at all, great work!
Levinson’s characterisation of the corruption at the core of politics is expressed most clearly through the consequences he suggests this has on the broader world; Wag The Dog essentially forming an allegory of the effect political power structures can have on a societywhen left unchecked. You can definitely remove that if you like :) Levinson’s primary expression of the corruptive behaviour of politically dominant authority is the satirical nature of his representation of a fictional political scandal. Satire, as shown through the dialogue of Tracy, “what would they do if I did tell someone?” and Brean’s response, “come to your house and kill you”, is relied upon by Levinson as a textual form to mirror the political perspectives of the text to the audience’s understanding of their own world. Any particular things in the audiences context that this could play to? Effective analysis! Furthermore, Levinson’s cynical political perspective is affirmed in Brean’s condescending tone as he addresses his colleagues as “you kids”; an expression to the film’s audience of not only his valuable positioning in the political party, but Levinson’s own perspective of a common cause of corruption within it. Therefore, Levinson’s representation of Brean as a surreptitious power broker is ultimately an analogy for his wider political perspective; that within his filmic version of politics, itself a reflection of his own society, corruptive behaviour is rife. An effective paragraph! I'd like to see you develop the idea of 'corruption' a little more strongly, it doesn't come across as strongly as it could. That said, fantastic analytical style :)
Levinson’s critique of politics expands beyond the corruption within it to the ability of politicians to utilise this corruption to their own ends; the manipulative power of politics being asserted by means of the representation of a political party’s ability to retaliate against defamatory political situations. A fantastic 'build' from your earlier arguments, a clever tough to tie things together! A primary example of these situations is the close-up shot of the actors’ eyes in the film’s political advertisement campaign, coexisting with the repetitive, metaphorical statement to “not change horses midstream”; a representation of the persuasion of the internal audience to the viewers. What is the effect of this? What do we learn about corruption from this? Furthermore, Brean’s hyperbolic tone within, “what have they done for us?” allows the viewers to observe the manipulation of Motss to agree with him on his decision to stage a war; fluently presenting to the audience Levinson’s belief of the subtle tactics used by “spin doctors” to profoundly manipulate the public. Good, but be very careful here (and it happened above also), never give credit for a technique to a character. It MUST go to a composer! The characters are just puppets. In conjunction, the omnipotent perspective of the manipulation observed is conveyed to the external audience through Brean’s foreshadowing dialogue that “we’re not gonna have a war, we’re gonna have the appearance of a war”. Again, what do we learn from this? Thus, Levinson’s articulation of his perspective of the manipulation used by political cadre is used in this response to a political situation to offer new understandings of the individuals in the film and to present politics to the audience in a manner allowing a higher receptiveness to his satire. Another fantastic paragraph with the same comment as above; just a little more detail in some areas to make it shine. Particularly here, some more explicit audience links would be welcome.
Picasso uses “Guernica” to frame political manipulation in a manner more appropriate to his own context; his representation of his own political perspective of the Spanish War intended to expose the corruption at the core of it. His explicitness in detail within the light-toned beheaded human reaching with his hand at the bottom of the painting, in conjunction with the salient horse, silently wailing in the middle, has further emphasized Picasso’s perspective of the aftermath of manipulation into partaking in such political events. How does the horse further this idea? Not quite obvious to me right now. Furthermore, the pain-filled facial expressions along with the sorrowful gaze of the bull’s eyes, have been utilised by Picasso to create sympathy amongst the audience for the people in war, consequentially, “manipulating” the viewers into changing their perspective of political conflict. I need a concluding sentence here - Yes, you do! ;) it seems most of your ideas here are on imagery, perhaps tie the visual representation of ideas to their impact on the audience, or something? I'll also note at this point that there is a definite imbalance between your Prescribed and ORT.
The representation of manipulation in Levinson’s text is not one-dimensional however, his illumination of the gullibility of the public attributing to them a portion of the blame for the corruption of politics. Again, super clever. Levinson‘s satirical portrayal of the internal public to the external audience in an unintelligent and deceivable light, as shown through Motss‘ rhetorical dialogue, “what does it matter if it’s true?“, positions the audience to understand the reality of their broader world.In addition, the significance of the dimly lit scene in which Motts and Brean are seen throwing shoes into a tree, is reaffirmed by Motss‘ high modality dialogue where he foreshadows that they are making “history Connie!“. Definitely worthy of removal. In addition, thefollowingscene consisting of a montage of panning shots, with a single pair of shoes combining with a focused shot of many others, is used as a microcosm to represent to the audience the abundance of citizens that politics has deluded. Removal is fine; be sure to limit scene description to a bare minimum and focus on the represented themes!In additionFurthermore, a satirical, non-diegetic score, repeating the words “old shoe”, portrays the ease and progression of naivety amongst the gullible public to the viewers. Removal is good. Moreover, the girl hired to unknowingly impersonate an Albanian amidst an Albanian war exclaims that she “can’t wait to put this on [her] resume!“. This is a bit too much retell reliant here. Her callowness is used by Levinson as a satirical means to subject the audience to his perspective of a dupable world to political schemes; his ultimate intention being to assert the reality of what he deemed to be a corruptand brokenpolitical system. Ensure you have a concluding sentence here too!
Picasso is aligned with Levinson in the depiction of a dupable world; his perspective of the politics of his own time framing a similar picture of the gullibility of its people. Good intertextual link. His depiction of the individuals in white colour, representing their purity and innocence, reflects the external public’s gullibility through the relatable event. Fabulous. Picasso’s conveyance of the pain is shown through dark green, grey and black tones throughout the painting to create a melancholic mood, effectively creating a new perspective amongst the gullible audience. What perspective is this? Likewise, the mother’s body language symbolising her sad emotions as she cradles her deceased child, is composed by Picasso in the ground layer of the painting to present the deceit by political figures on their people and the shock of the reality of their actions. Similarly to Levinson, Picasso has effectively portrayed the tactics used by politics to manipulate a gullible public, and as a result, the shocking reality we face once we realise the truth. Good paragraph, but the evidence here simply doesn't match the powerful things you've done with the Prescribed Text.
In summation, Wag the Dog and “Guernica”, are eloquent of the corruption within politics due to the manipulation by politicians and the gullible nature of their submissive public. Levinson and Picasso’s perspectives towards these issues have been communicated through the use of textual devices specific to their mediums to; offering new understandings of individuals and politics to the external audience. The idea of different forms/mediums is something I'd like to see you explicitly explore a little more in the essay.Thus, through the representation of Levinson and Picasso’s political perspectives, new understandings have been offered to an external audience.I would keep this last sentence, and make it more theme specific also.
This is an absolutely killer essay lha! I'm glad you corrected my count; it was a pleasure to read ;) very clever concepts, excellent analysis, fantastic structure, and superb expression. Really, really well done!! ;D
My comments throughout cover most of my recommendations; little bits of extra detail here, avoiding a bit of retell there, etc etc. The one over-arching comment I'd make is on the balance between your Prescribed and ORT. Right now you have 3 vs 2 paragraphs, but the two ORT paragraphs are also the shortest, so you are at about a 75-25 split. This is too far swung towards Prescribed, in my opinion.
Put simply, you have absolutely blown your Prescribed out of the water. Bloody brilliant. But your ORT can't hope to compare, and that isn't a good thing for the marker, because the strength and sophistication of your argument suffers.
There are a few things you could try. The simplest would just be beefing up the ORT paragraphs. You could also explore integrating your essay (this could also let you compare the use of techniques across mediums, something you touched on in the conclusion that I'd like to see more of). Or, and I don't strictly think this is necessary, you could change your ORT. I don't recommend that here though, but it is an option. This late in the game, I reckon just beefing up your ORT paragraphs with an extra sentence or two should fix you :)
A fantastic essay lha, absolutely wonderful work! :)
Thank you! I will definitely incorporate the feedback! Just one other thing, if i adapt this to the question in the exam, what mark do you think ill be looking at?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 08:27:34 am
Thank you! I will definitely incorporate the feedback! Just one other thing, if i adapt this to the question in the exam, what mark do you think ill be looking at?
No problem!! Properly adapted to the question, this would almost definitely get a Band 6 range mark :) :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 08:52:14 am
thank you!!
Also do I only need 5 more posts until i can get another essay marked? My last two essays that were marked would have led me to 65 posts so another 15 will be at 80, so does that mean i can post another essay soon?
Yes, you can post one as soon as you hit 80! :)
Post by: birdwing341 on October 06, 2016, 09:22:29 am
I'm not sure how many posts I need (but I feel like I'm OK)...So here's my Mod B generic essay (I'm confident my opening and closing sentences will change in the actual exam to answer the question more strongly), but any advice would be appreciated :)
Post by: vyca on October 06, 2016, 09:33:50 am
Spoiler
Shakespeare and Pacino both present texts that are artistic products of their time. Shakespeare’s play was provisioned by Elizabethan censorship, and thus was engineered to flatter the ruling monarch. Therefore Shakespeare depicts an evil and megalomaniacal protagonist and his engagement with a world bound by religion and morals. It is dually a political statement and exploration of aspects of the human construct such as power, evil and duplicity. Pacino’s post-modern docudrama liases with a contemporary world that has undergone a paradigmatic shift. Taking his context into grave consideration, he has illuminated upon and reshaped the universal values present in the parent text to create a platform for an enriched understanding and to “communicate a shakespeare about how we feel and think today”. Despite the variance of contextual circumstances, the texts are connected through their exploration of what it is to be human.
Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain.” It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’. The pun propounds the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or free will. The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and justifying the Tudor reign. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with revised ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and free will, replacing it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation, and control is visually and immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order. For this despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Both composers have effectively promulgated the notion of power to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences.
Shakespeare and Pacino convey Richard’s evil as an aspect of the human condition. Shakespeare crafts Richard’s physical appearance to be “deformed” “unfinished” and “rudely stamped”. Shakespeare plays with disparaging language and copiousness to amplify Richard’s deformity to form the conditions of a religious paradigm for his audience to diagnose Richard as metaphysically evil, corrupted and less than human. Shakespeare has effectively concocted a malignant identity for his audience to warrant Richard’s demise and endorse the royal prerogative of the Tudor house. Richard embodies the distinctive evil nature of the “Vice” which as him amply referred to as “hedgehog” “foul swine” “toad” and eventually, “bloody demon” and “cacodemon”. The progression from lesser beasts to diabolic terms emulates the progression of Richard’s corruption by evil that he ceases to be truly human, thus being a depiction on being human in a world dominated by steadfast morals. The stigmas that characterised a physical malformation have long been buried. Thus, to enrich a contemporary audience’s understanding, Kimball gives an explanation “Shakespeare has exaggerated his deformity in order to embody forth dramatically, visually and metaphorically the corruption of his mind”. Pacino lessens the prominence of the deformity and appropriates Richard’s evil through costuming him ominously in all black and holding a riding crop. These symbols are visual stimuli that plainly explicate villainy and autocratic power to a modern audience. Accessing a world of moral ambiguity, Pacino orients towards the modern fascination with psychology. Kimball notes “he knows that he does not have his humanity”, so devoid that he is “alienated from his own body and own self”, thus pinning Richard’s self-corruption and psychological fragmentation for his evil. This especially manifests in the final battle scene at Bosworth, filtered in red as a synecdoche for the blood spilt by Richard who is on his knees and abandoned. His body language and low angle the he is filmed at creates a sense of vulnerability and loss of power. Pacino creates a pathetic, damaged and fragmented figure of Richard, enhanced by the quick cross-cuts, eliciting sympathy from the modern audience and provoking the thought of what it is to be human.
Providentialism was the religious paradigm of Shakespeare’s time and is firmly ingrained in his writing, whilst it’s absence in Pacino’s contemporary world imposes a reorientation. The spiritual order of Shakespeare’s theocentric world is disturbed in the antithetical pairing of “winter of our discontent” and “glorious summer”. The prophetic metaphor foretells the chaos and havoc to ensue as a result of Richard’s subversion of God’s plan. Shakespeare has Queen Margaret operate as the voice of providence who forewarns of the dire consequences for the suspension of moral and religious boundaries, “that none of you may live your natural age”. Thus, true to a morality play, Shakespeare extends moral messages to his audience. Hence, it is unsurprising that Richard “fall(s) into the rotten mouth of death”, a metaphor for his surrender of power and capitulation to divine retribution. Thus, Richard’s undoing is emblematic of the Shakespearean theocentric worldview that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power. Accordingly, Richard’s death signals the restoration of divine order, Richmond the “true successor” momentously proclaims “peace lives again…God say Amen”. The religious allusion asserts the triumphal workings of providence. A providential worldview is contextually irrelevant for Pacino. Unlike Shakespeare, Richard’s immorality is not condemned by Pacino who instead embraces postmodern philosophy in “A person has an opinion. It’s never a question of right or wrong”. Pacino provides this rationale for a contemporary world extricated from moral principle, reiterated through an impromptu vox populi “we have no feelings. We don’t feel for each other. If we were taught to feel, we wouldn’t be so violent”. This is a testament to the moral legacy of Shakespeare's work that has been misplaced in the modern world. In this world, the line of succession and theocentrism is lost, thus Richmond is demoted to an insignificant figure with no historical prominence. His speech is obsolete so Pacino accentuates the silence, “I love the silence. I love the silence. After silence what else is there?” This silence symbolises the uncertainty and ambiguity that permeates postmodern philosophy on one’s place in an impersonal universe. Life is “rounded with a sleep” than tied down by the constraints of a moral universe.
Both Shakespeare and Pacino convey duplicity as a trait of Richard’s character. Richard’s deformity and inadequacies animate him to be “ subtle, false and treacherous,” He carefully constructs an outward demeanour that efficaciously disguises his malice, as when he woos Lady Anne by averring, “I did kill King Henry but ‘twas thy beauty that provoked me” and that he would “wet his grave with my repentant tears”. These lines showcase richard’s mellifluous oration and skilful manipulation as he personifies her beauty to flatter her and lodge her in a position of culpability and guilt, whilst staging himself as sincerely remorseful. Thus the “admiring and guilt-ridden lover” is one of the many forged manifestations of Richard that successfully beguiles Anne into marriage, when he really has an ulterior motive, “I will not keep her long”. Richard also deceitfully tries to rouse the people to accept his agenda by having Buckingham name the two princes as “bastards” and himself holding “a prayer book in your hand and stand between two churchmen”. The defamatory language and religious symbols to engage the role of the pious man enables him to deceive the populace into championing his accession to the throne. Pacino’s dual role as director and actor emulates Richard’s dual appearance. Moving beyond the esoteric language of Shakespeare, Pacino uses Chiaroscuro lighting to project light and shadow on Richard’s face highlighting his enigma and capacity of forging appearance and reality. The deliberate casting of “very young” Anne intensifies Anne’s innocence and susceptibility and thus human frailty and concurrently, Richard’s predacity. The camera pivots around Anne to symbolise her entrapment by his manipulative and cajoling words,. Upon a successful deception pacino exultantly exclaims “HA!”, revelling in the skill and craftiness of Richard’s deceit. Scholar Barbara Everett repudiates Richard’s apparent holiness, “he’s hard as nails, he’s only pretending to be religious”, whereby the cliché and explanation serve to encourage understanding from the contemporary audience on duplicity. Pacino emphasises the political characteristics of Richard from his defamation of the young princes, “they canvas like politicians, complete with lies and innuendo”. A comparison to contemporary politics is drawn which is recognisable to a modern audience, and enforces that still today, people are willing to do, act or saying anything to gain political power.
Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain.” It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’. The pun propounds the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or free will. The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and justifying the Tudor reign. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with revised ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and free will, replacing it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation, and control is visually and immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order. For this despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Both composers have effectively promulgated the notion of power to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences.
Shakespeare and Pacino convey Richard’s evil as an aspect of the human condition. Shakespeare crafts Richard’s physical appearance to be “deformed” “unfinished” and “rudely stamped”. Shakespeare plays with disparaging language and copiousness to amplify Richard’s deformity to form the conditions of a religious paradigm for his audience to diagnose Richard as metaphysically evil, corrupted and less than human. Shakespeare has effectively concocted a malignant identity for his audience to warrant Richard’s demise and endorse the royal prerogative of the Tudor house. Richard embodies the distinctive evil nature of the “Vice” which as him amply referred to as “hedgehog” “foul swine” “toad” and eventually, “bloody demon” and “cacodemon”. The progression from lesser beasts to diabolic terms emulates the progression of Richard’s corruption by evil that he ceases to be truly human, thus being a depiction on being human in a world dominated by steadfast morals. The stigmas that characterised a physical malformation have long been buried. Thus, to enrich a contemporary audience’s understanding, Kimball gives an explanation “Shakespeare has exaggerated his deformity in order to embody forth dramatically, visually and metaphorically the corruption of his mind”. Pacino lessens the prominence of the deformity and appropriates Richard’s evil through costuming him ominously in all black and holding a riding crop. These symbols are visual stimuli that plainly explicate villainy and autocratic power to a modern audience. Accessing a world of moral ambiguity, Pacino orients towards the modern fascination with psychology. Kimball notes “he knows that he does not have his humanity”, so devoid that he is “alienated from his own body and own self”, thus pinning Richard’s self-corruption and psychological fragmentation for his evil. This especially manifests in the final battle scene at Bosworth, filtered in red as a synecdoche for the blood spilt by Richard who is on his knees and abandoned. His body language and low angle the he is filmed at creates a sense of vulnerability and loss of power. Pacino creates a pathetic, damaged and fragmented figure of Richard, enhanced by the quick cross-cuts, eliciting sympathy from the modern audience and provoking the thought of what it is to be human.
Providentialism was the religious paradigm of Shakespeare’s time and is firmly ingrained in his writing, whilst it’s absence in Pacino’s contemporary world imposes a reorientation. The spiritual order of Shakespeare’s theocentric world is disturbed in the antithetical pairing of “winter of our discontent” and “glorious summer”. The prophetic metaphor foretells the chaos and havoc to ensue as a result of Richard’s subversion of God’s plan. Shakespeare has Queen Margaret operate as the voice of providence who forewarns of the dire consequences for the suspension of moral and religious boundaries, “that none of you may live your natural age”. Thus, true to a morality play, Shakespeare extends moral messages to his audience. Hence, it is unsurprising that Richard “fall(s) into the rotten mouth of death”, a metaphor for his surrender of power and capitulation to divine retribution. Thus, Richard’s undoing is emblematic of the Shakespearean theocentric worldview that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power. Accordingly, Richard’s death signals the restoration of divine order, Richmond the “true successor” momentously proclaims “peace lives again…God say Amen”. The religious allusion asserts the triumphal workings of providence. A providential worldview is contextually irrelevant for Pacino. Unlike Shakespeare, Richard’s immorality is not condemned by Pacino who instead embraces postmodern philosophy in “A person has an opinion. It’s never a question of right or wrong”. Pacino provides this rationale for a contemporary world extricated from moral principle, reiterated through an impromptu vox populi “we have no feelings. We don’t feel for each other. If we were taught to feel, we wouldn’t be so violent”. This is a testament to the moral legacy of Shakespeare's work that has been misplaced in the modern world. In this world, the line of succession and theocentrism is lost, thus Richmond is demoted to an insignificant figure with no historical prominence. His speech is obsolete so Pacino accentuates the silence, “I love the silence. I love the silence. After silence what else is there?” This silence symbolises the uncertainty and ambiguity that permeates postmodern philosophy on one’s place in an impersonal universe. Life is “rounded with a sleep” than tied down by the constraints of a moral universe.
Both Shakespeare and Pacino convey duplicity as a trait of Richard’s character. Richard’s deformity and inadequacies animate him to be “ subtle, false and treacherous,” He carefully constructs an outward demeanour that efficaciously disguises his malice, as when he woos Lady Anne by averring, “I did kill King Henry but ‘twas thy beauty that provoked me” and that he would “wet his grave with my repentant tears”. These lines showcase richard’s mellifluous oration and skilful manipulation as he personifies her beauty to flatter her and lodge her in a position of culpability and guilt, whilst staging himself as sincerely remorseful. Thus the “admiring and guilt-ridden lover” is one of the many forged manifestations of Richard that successfully beguiles Anne into marriage, when he really has an ulterior motive, “I will not keep her long”. Richard also deceitfully tries to rouse the people to accept his agenda by having Buckingham name the two princes as “bastards” and himself holding “a prayer book in your hand and stand between two churchmen”. The defamatory language and religious symbols to engage the role of the pious man enables him to deceive the populace into championing his accession to the throne. Pacino’s dual role as director and actor emulates Richard’s dual appearance. Moving beyond the esoteric language of Shakespeare, Pacino uses Chiaroscuro lighting to project light and shadow on Richard’s face highlighting his enigma and capacity of forging appearance and reality. The deliberate casting of “very young” Anne intensifies Anne’s innocence and susceptibility and thus human frailty and concurrently, Richard’s predacity. The camera pivots around Anne to symbolise her entrapment by his manipulative and cajoling words,. Upon a successful deception pacino exultantly exclaims “HA!”, revelling in the skill and craftiness of Richard’s deceit. Scholar Barbara Everett repudiates Richard’s apparent holiness, “he’s hard as nails, he’s only pretending to be religious”, whereby the cliché and explanation serve to encourage understanding from the contemporary audience on duplicity. Pacino emphasises the political characteristics of Richard from his defamation of the young princes, “they canvas like politicians, complete with lies and innuendo”. A comparison to contemporary politics is drawn which is recognisable to a modern audience, and enforces that still today, people are willing to do, act or saying anything to gain political power.
Post by: pels on October 06, 2016, 10:58:29 am
Howdy Pels! Not a worry, your essay is in the spoiler below with comments in bold! ;DSpoilerQuestion - How do composers construct texts that reveal both the reasons for and impact of people's particular political motivations?
In your response make reference to TWO of Auden's poems.
Two chosen poems: 'Spain', 'O What Is That Sound?'
Throughout history, there have been many events that have occurred that have allowed for mankind to attain certain beliefs and perspectives in relation to politics and therefore political motivations, upon further reflection of the past. Could you give me some examples/details about what these perspectives might be? Essential to link properly to the question. Poets such as the witty English poet W.H. Auden born in York in 1907 were inspired to write pieces which criticised/commented on the reasons for and the impact of people's political motivations, through their own unique representation of key historical events or figures throughout the ages. I'm looking for a little more beef in this introduction; mainly this should come from going into the idea of 'political motivations' - What plays a role? Greed? Manipulation? Explore these sorts of things, introductions should be a solid 4-5 sentences in length :)
As a result of his political sympathies, Auden believed that for his work to be considered valid he must experience the cruelty of war firsthand, and thus was inspired to go to Spain in 1937 at the time of the Civil War. “I am not one of those who believe that poetry need or even should be directly political. But in a critical period such as ours, I do believe that the poet must have direct knowledge of the major political events.” Be sure to identify that you are quoting Auden here, the quote works well regardless. This reveals that Auden believed that his political motivations were only strengthened and valid if he experienced firsthand the political events of the war. As a result, Auden's most renowned texts which include 'O What Is That Sound?' as well as 'Spain', have indefinitely influenced and revealed both the reasons for and impact of his particular political motivations. This feels like information that could be summarised in a sentence or two and mixed into your introduction! Try to get straight into the analysis of how the idea of political motivation is constructed in your texts (through techniques).
A text that has distinctly revealed both the reasons for and impact of people's particular political motivations is Auden's poem titled 'Spain'. What are these impacts and reasons? Through this poem, Auden is commenting on the past, present and future endeavours of Spain, and the immediacy of the suffering and restrictions imposed by the Civil War. In doing so, Auden directs this poem to the general public of Europe during the late 1930's. Good links to audience.
The poem emphasises the pain and struggle that is to come but the amending and joy of 'tomorrow'. War and death are presented in the poem through the vast geography and use of imagery, "and the nations combine each cry". Be specific - Exactly what does Auden want to show us about war and death? This reveals Auden's political motivations, as he wanted for the young left-wing Pro-Marxist English writers to show their support for the Spanish Republicans fighting in the Civil War, which is exacerbated through the use of the words "intervene" and "descend", highlighting a true need for support against the villainous Nationalists. I don't quite buy that link between the imagery and the political motivations of Auden, I think you might need to approach that a little bit differently.
The poem is written with three main tones. A nostalgic tone as seen through 'yesterday' (the past), a lamenting tone for today (the present), and a hopeful tone (for the future), although the overall tone is wistful, emphasised through final statement "May say Alas but cannot help nor pardon." Auden's use of this tone is indicative of the cruelty imposed on Spain by the right-wing Nationalists led by Franco, and by implementing this tone in the poem it reveals Auden's political motivations against the right-wing Nationalists. Try to trim the unnecessary detail; you could get all of this done in one sentence (see below).
Auden's use of descriptive language, through the manipulation of both positive and negative imagery, are used to create overpowering images in the readers mind. Good. The vast imagery through the "motionless eagle eyeing the valley", and "tomorrow the bicycle races", juxtapose heavily to the notion of "to-day the struggle". Great! What does this achieve though? What does the audience realise as a result of this juxtaposition? What does it show us about political motivations?The personification used in stanza 14, "Yes, I am Spain" makes it evident that the Nationalist forces are an obstacle for Spain, restricting its freedom as well as its inhabitants freedom and normal way of life, and thus influencing the reader to take a side on the issue of war. Again, what is the link to the question?
Symbolism is also manipulated by Auden in 'Spain' in stanza 18. "To the medicine ad, and the brochure of winter cruises have become invading battalions", is symbolic of the extreme changes that Spain had faced due to the conflict of war, and reveals a true juxtaposition between a once desired location, now changed into a battlefield. Be careful not to focus completely on the context of the work; you need to be looking at what it says about the theme generally too. If it was only relevant to Spain; what would the audience gain? In addition to this, Auden reveals that the right-wing Spanish Nationalists under the rule of General Franco, had superimposed their fascist beliefs upon the people of Spain, which Auden comments on through the quote "Corrupt heart of the city.", reinforcing the huge divide between the rich Nationalist landowners and businessmen) versus the Republicans being agricultural labourers and middle-class workers). What quote is this? Try to never give a quote without a technique.
All in all, Auden's poem 'Spain' was evidently created on the basis of his political motivations against the Nationalist Spanish regimes, and is a direct call to political action and support for the Republicans, as it reflects an great sense of the people involved in this tragic political war and the personification of Spain as a living entity itself. This would work as a great conclusion if you blended everything above into a single paragraph! And this next sentence would start you off for your next paragraph... Similarly, Auden's poem titled 'O What Is That Sound?' is reflective of the impending doom and generally the universality and everlasting tragedy of war, as well as the general impact that fascist regimes such as those of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini during the 1940's had on such Western cultures. Read this sentence and then the question; are you still answering the question at this point?
The tone of the poem is achieved instantly through the title 'O What Is That Sound?', which creates a sense of ambiguity for the reader, in the sense that it is uncertain what sound Auden is referring to in the title. Good links to audience, it is also a rhetorical question! Through the title, an eerie mood is imposed instantly, reinstating the sense of impending doom.
'O What Is That Sound?' is structured in the ABAB rhyme scheme, which is in correspondence with the two voices heard throughout the poem, assumed to be one male and one female. This is a statement of fact/interpretation of the poem. It doesn't link to any concept and doesn't give any new interpretations; and thus is irrelevant. Auden establishes a strong relationship between the two voices, which makes the poem seem much more personal, putting it in the much larger political picture of war, whilst also creating sympathy through descriptive words such as 'wounded'. How is this relationship established? Therefore, Auden's political motivations are reinforced through the way he portrays the effects that war has on people, and its everlasting universality. Again, good ideas, but expressing them more succinctly would allow you to develop a better structure!
Additionally, through the use of images such as that of the 'scarlet soldiers' and the 'cunning farmer', Auden presents a variety of images of war that are ambiguous in relation to the time period they are set in, which emphasises the negativity of war throughout the ages. Ideally, Auden's political motivations are seen as he cleverly paints the war as a lost cause and a dark and disturbing time in history. This is better! Good good.
The confusion of the female voice is exacerbated through her constant asking of questions - stanza 2 - "Over the distance brightly, brightly?", as well as "O what is that light I see flashing so clear." Try to use the proper term of rhetorical question! Through the use of these literary techniques, Auden is able to portray a life of impending demise and the everlasting effects of war. By portraying the woman as scared, requiring reassurance from her partner, Auden could be commenting on the panic and distress brought upon the world due to the political parties during that period in history, particularly Hitler's Nazi Party and Mussolini's Italian army. Be high modality! Don't say "could be," be confident in your own ideas!
Auden's political motivations are represented in the final stanza of the poem through the stark imagery and symbolism. "Their feet are heavy on the floor, And their eyes are burning", contrasts to the previous stanzas in which the conversation between the two voices is quite stable and then builds up to a climax, lurking closer to disaster. The imagery of the burning eyes reinforces the hate and lust for power that fuels the soldiers marching ahead. Auden represents this overpowering notion in such a distinctive way which connects with the reader effectively, creating sympathy and affinity for the characters in Auden's poem. Again, re-read the question at the latter stages of your essay - Still answering?
This essay has some great idea Pels! And definitely some great knowledge of text and incredible contextual detail, so great stuff there! I'd have two main recommendations.
The first would be ensuring you answer the question properly. This question and module demands that you explore how the composer uses techniques to portray the theme of political motivations in the text. However, you need to explore this theme generally: How does the composer say things about the theme that are relevant to the audience? Right now, your essay explores the effects of techniques in the text (not necessarily linked to the theme of political motivation), and links them to Auden's political motivations. While elements of this are really great, it isn't quite what is required here.
You need to develop the theme of political motivation more effectively. There are several ways you can do this. Some more detail in your Thesis will do wonders, and beyond that, just more explicitly asking yourself; What does this technique do to teach the audience something about political motivations. Techniques representing meaning are the focus of this module :)
The other suggestion I have is on structure; try to shift away from these smaller paragraphs. It tends to act as a barrier to a good expression of ideas, since you have so much stopping and starting. At least, in my opinion, you should try a more typical structure. Get everything into (potentially) two paragraphs, one on each text. To do this you'll need to do some trimming...
So here is one of the paragraphs:
The poem is written with three main tones. A nostalgic tone as seen through 'yesterday' (the past), a lamenting tone for today (the present), and a hopeful tone (for the future), although the overall tone is wistful, emphasised through final statement "May say Alas but cannot help nor pardon." Auden's use of this tone is indicative of the cruelty imposed on Spain by the right-wing Nationalists led by Franco, and by implementing this tone in the poem it reveals Auden's political motivations against the right-wing Nationalists.
And here is how I would communicate that information (removing the quote because I'm not sure how I would personally use it here):
The juxtaposition of a variety of lamenting, nostalgic and wistful tones develops our understanding of the Spanish political context, as we come to empathise with Auden's motivations.
Don't know the texts, so take me at face value, but the idea here is being succinct. The focus should be analysis! You don't have to describe how the techniques are used, just tell me what they are and what they show us! :)
In terms of conclusions, I'm of the belief they should do the following:
- Restate your Thesis
- Relist the arguments you've made
- Restate your final position, the big conclusion you've come to from your essay!
Notice there is nothing new; conclusions should give no new info! If your essay is the gift, the conclusion is the wrapping paper bringing it all together :)
So in summary; great contextual and textual knowledge. I need some clearer conceptual development to properly answer the question, and less unnecessary detail to allow you to improve your structure. Great work Pels!! Definitely the makings of a really powerful essay here, just some changes to polish it up :)
Thanks Jamon.
You're a legend :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 11:28:58 am
Hello,
I'm not sure how many posts I need (but I feel like I'm OK)...So here's my Mod B generic essay (I'm confident my opening and closing sentences will change in the actual exam to answer the question more strongly), but any advice would be appreciated :)
Yep you are good! You've only spent 35 posts so far, this will put you to 50 so you are still very much in the green ;) on the list! ;D
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 06, 2016, 12:01:25 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 12:07:07 pm
I have 15 posts! Yay haha
Here is my module A (Richard) essay from my trial. What should i do to make it better?? and a rough score?.......i think my teacher marked me to easily so i want to know your opinion :) Thanks!
Good on you Zac!! I've attached your essay with feedback in bold, I'll let you know my views, but your teachers should take a higher weighting in your mind ;D
Spoiler
Question: something like “how is our understanding of authority contributed to by a comparative study?”
Authority places individuals in a position of power and can be attained from individual determination or through divine intervention. Good conceptual start, though perhaps slightly simplistic. Shakespeare’s King Richard III represents the consuming nature of authority through the corrupt antagonist, Richard. More interesting now, good. The play was written with the utilisation of literary devices that would ascertain the attention and connect with his 16th century Elizabethan audience. Our understanding of Richards authority is enhanced through Al Pacino’s post modern docudrama Looking For Richard as he tries to uncover “what is this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?”. I'm not quite getting the comparative aspect here, be sure to specifically mention how we interpret them together for a greater understanding (or similar). Through the manipulation of film and documentary techniques, Pacino is able to connect with his American audience and to simplify Shakespeare’s understanding of authority and power. Good introduction! Overall solid, I'd like to see you set up your paragraph topics somehow.
The notion of authority can lead to corruptive ramifications when it is abused. Good. Shakespeare wrote his the play King Richard III in the 16th century for a spiritual Elizabethan audience. The people of his time had witnessed the fight for control through the ‘War Of The Roses’ , which set the contextual backdrop of the play. Good quick contextual introduction here, but try not to make it so distinct from the text/techniques, the context COMES OUT through techniques! The Elizabethan society was hierarchical and authority was gained from hereditary. Shakespeare represents Richards hunger for rulership and its corruptive nature through animal metaphors for example when Lady Anne calls him an “unmannered dog”. You could tidy up expression in the middle there. Richards’s desire for influence and power derive from his deformed physiognomy. Expression issue? In the play, Richard is portrayed as a ‘hunchback’, depicted from the quote “Deformed, unfinished sent before my time...half made up” . Technique? Shakespeare uses exaggeration of Richards physical appearance to portray and represent his sinister character and lust for control. What does this show the audience? The desire for dominion emerges from Richards’s intrinsic evil nature. Technique/quote? Shakespeare represents the ambitious characteristics of authority through Richards asides and soliloquies where Richard expresses his “determination to prove a villain”. Through these techniques, Shakespeare takes advantage of situational irony as Richard informs his audience of his scheming plans that will result in him gaining a position of authority. How does this relate to your idea for this paragraph (see your first sentence). Have you sustained that idea right to the end?
Al Pacino recognises the contextual differences between Shakespeare’s context and his post modern audience. Hence, Pacino appropriates the portrayal of the corruptive nature of authority as 1990 Americans do not associate this value with physical “deform[ities]”. Very good point to make. Thus, Pacino manipulates Richards thirst for rulership through positioning in his docudrama Looking For Richard. During an opening scene, Pacino is acting as Richard, standing over the body or the dying King Edward. Retell, you don't need this, the marker knows your text! The low angle shot represents the notion of authority being gained from individuals crafting their own position in society, not from family hereditary. Excellent.The linguistic features regarding the corruptive nature of authority is hard to understand for Pacino’s audience as Shakespeare “used a lot of fancy words”. As a result, Pacino dons black attire when acting as the Machiavellian Richard to connect with his audience and contribute to their understanding of the evil nature surrounding power and authority. Technique? Voiceover commentary is as a didactic tool used to guide Pacino’s audience on what Richards ambitions of power were, thus contributing to the understanding that arbitrary power and authority is corruptive. Be sure to have a proper, distinct concluding sentences. You are exploring the theme well, but a little more focus on the idea of corruption is necessary; more detail on WHAT is shown not just how it is shown. Just tidying up explanations should accomplish this.
In an Elizabethan context, authority derived from hereditary and through the blessings of God. Expression issue? Shakespeare’s society had unanimity on religious perspectives, the notion that God was in control and distributed rulership to those he had anointed. Shakespeare thus made Richard “deformed” to represent Gods punishment and lack of blessing. What is this attempting to show the audience about authority? As a result, Richard is “determined to prove a villain” to so signify his ability to usurp authority by his own means. Acts of ambition resulting in Richards rise of leadership include the betrayal of his brother and murder of his two nephews. Retell. The nature of authority stemming from sovereignty contributes to the purpose of the play; to convolute Richards’s humanity and affirm the Tudor claim to the throne, a family who were believed ordained by God. Shakespeare’s choice of textual form, a play, is utilised to connect his thoughts to his current 16th century audience and emphasise the notion that rulership derived from sovereignty. How is it utilised? Remember a conclusion. Some good ideas, but I'm not getting the links to the big idea as strongly as I could, and I'm looking for more analysis and less retell.
Post modern 1990’s societal attitudes of divine powers and spiritual life are significantly juxtaposed against late 16th century perspectives. The contemporary trend away from religious beliefs has lead to the worldview that individuals gain positions of authority on the basis of their own freely chosen actions. Al Pacino accounts for his audience’s lack of spiritual reference in his docudrama. I'd like to see you express all this information in less words; leave yourself more room for analysis. Rather he uses rapid camera shots, aligned with dramatic non-diegetic audio to depict and emphasise Richard being punished his guilty conscience, rather than divine retribution for his abuse of authority. The archival images and ‘ghosts’ during Richards dream exemplify Richards freely chosen actions that were driven by the opportunity to gain control. Your analysis is becoming less effective in latter paragraphs (a length comparison evidences this), perhaps a structural tweak could fix this?
Thus Al Pacino has successfully contributed to our understanding of the nature of authority in Shakespeare’s King Richard III as he reshaped the ideas that authority is attained through the divine order, and is corruptive. The appropriation of these values in Looking For Richard occurred through selected film and documentary techniques to connect with modern day beliefs, which are juxtaposed against 16th century Elizabethan paradigms. It is from a critical study of both texts that our understanding of influence and authority is enriched. Good conclusion! Covers all your bases, nicely done!
Authority places individuals in a position of power and can be attained from individual determination or through divine intervention. Good conceptual start, though perhaps slightly simplistic. Shakespeare’s King Richard III represents the consuming nature of authority through the corrupt antagonist, Richard. More interesting now, good. The play was written with the utilisation of literary devices that would ascertain the attention and connect with his 16th century Elizabethan audience. Our understanding of Richards authority is enhanced through Al Pacino’s post modern docudrama Looking For Richard as he tries to uncover “what is this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?”. I'm not quite getting the comparative aspect here, be sure to specifically mention how we interpret them together for a greater understanding (or similar). Through the manipulation of film and documentary techniques, Pacino is able to connect with his American audience and to simplify Shakespeare’s understanding of authority and power. Good introduction! Overall solid, I'd like to see you set up your paragraph topics somehow.
The notion of authority can lead to corruptive ramifications when it is abused. Good. Shakespeare wrote his the play King Richard III in the 16th century for a spiritual Elizabethan audience. The people of his time had witnessed the fight for control through the ‘War Of The Roses’ , which set the contextual backdrop of the play. Good quick contextual introduction here, but try not to make it so distinct from the text/techniques, the context COMES OUT through techniques! The Elizabethan society was hierarchical and authority was gained from hereditary. Shakespeare represents Richards hunger for rulership and its corruptive nature through animal metaphors for example when Lady Anne calls him an “unmannered dog”. You could tidy up expression in the middle there. Richards’s desire for influence and power derive from his deformed physiognomy. Expression issue? In the play, Richard is portrayed as a ‘hunchback’, depicted from the quote “Deformed, unfinished sent before my time...half made up” . Technique? Shakespeare uses exaggeration of Richards physical appearance to portray and represent his sinister character and lust for control. What does this show the audience? The desire for dominion emerges from Richards’s intrinsic evil nature. Technique/quote? Shakespeare represents the ambitious characteristics of authority through Richards asides and soliloquies where Richard expresses his “determination to prove a villain”. Through these techniques, Shakespeare takes advantage of situational irony as Richard informs his audience of his scheming plans that will result in him gaining a position of authority. How does this relate to your idea for this paragraph (see your first sentence). Have you sustained that idea right to the end?
Al Pacino recognises the contextual differences between Shakespeare’s context and his post modern audience. Hence, Pacino appropriates the portrayal of the corruptive nature of authority as 1990 Americans do not associate this value with physical “deform[ities]”. Very good point to make. Thus, Pacino manipulates Richards thirst for rulership through positioning in his docudrama Looking For Richard. During an opening scene, Pacino is acting as Richard, standing over the body or the dying King Edward. Retell, you don't need this, the marker knows your text! The low angle shot represents the notion of authority being gained from individuals crafting their own position in society, not from family hereditary. Excellent.The linguistic features regarding the corruptive nature of authority is hard to understand for Pacino’s audience as Shakespeare “used a lot of fancy words”. As a result, Pacino dons black attire when acting as the Machiavellian Richard to connect with his audience and contribute to their understanding of the evil nature surrounding power and authority. Technique? Voiceover commentary is as a didactic tool used to guide Pacino’s audience on what Richards ambitions of power were, thus contributing to the understanding that arbitrary power and authority is corruptive. Be sure to have a proper, distinct concluding sentences. You are exploring the theme well, but a little more focus on the idea of corruption is necessary; more detail on WHAT is shown not just how it is shown. Just tidying up explanations should accomplish this.
In an Elizabethan context, authority derived from hereditary and through the blessings of God. Expression issue? Shakespeare’s society had unanimity on religious perspectives, the notion that God was in control and distributed rulership to those he had anointed. Shakespeare thus made Richard “deformed” to represent Gods punishment and lack of blessing. What is this attempting to show the audience about authority? As a result, Richard is “determined to prove a villain” to so signify his ability to usurp authority by his own means. Acts of ambition resulting in Richards rise of leadership include the betrayal of his brother and murder of his two nephews. Retell. The nature of authority stemming from sovereignty contributes to the purpose of the play; to convolute Richards’s humanity and affirm the Tudor claim to the throne, a family who were believed ordained by God. Shakespeare’s choice of textual form, a play, is utilised to connect his thoughts to his current 16th century audience and emphasise the notion that rulership derived from sovereignty. How is it utilised? Remember a conclusion. Some good ideas, but I'm not getting the links to the big idea as strongly as I could, and I'm looking for more analysis and less retell.
Post modern 1990’s societal attitudes of divine powers and spiritual life are significantly juxtaposed against late 16th century perspectives. The contemporary trend away from religious beliefs has lead to the worldview that individuals gain positions of authority on the basis of their own freely chosen actions. Al Pacino accounts for his audience’s lack of spiritual reference in his docudrama. I'd like to see you express all this information in less words; leave yourself more room for analysis. Rather he uses rapid camera shots, aligned with dramatic non-diegetic audio to depict and emphasise Richard being punished his guilty conscience, rather than divine retribution for his abuse of authority. The archival images and ‘ghosts’ during Richards dream exemplify Richards freely chosen actions that were driven by the opportunity to gain control. Your analysis is becoming less effective in latter paragraphs (a length comparison evidences this), perhaps a structural tweak could fix this?
Thus Al Pacino has successfully contributed to our understanding of the nature of authority in Shakespeare’s King Richard III as he reshaped the ideas that authority is attained through the divine order, and is corruptive. The appropriation of these values in Looking For Richard occurred through selected film and documentary techniques to connect with modern day beliefs, which are juxtaposed against 16th century Elizabethan paradigms. It is from a critical study of both texts that our understanding of influence and authority is enriched. Good conclusion! Covers all your bases, nicely done!
This is a good essay Zac! Good conceptual ideas, good analytical style in most sections; overall an effective response!! I especially like your idea of explaining how Pacino appropriates the same ideas for a modern audience. This is really effective and is working well for you.
What I'd say is that the issues are not consistent but sporadic. You shift into retell, in places. Remember, your marker knows your text, give them no sentences like this: Acts of ambition resulting in Richards rise of leadership include the betrayal of his brother and murder of his two nephews. That gives no new information to the marker, they want techniques and analysis of how the theme is portrayed. Try to eliminate retell.
You also fail to link to the main idea of your paragraph and/or essay, in places. In your first paragraph for example, look at your intro and conclusion. Yes, they both mention authority, but have you maintained the theme of corruption? Not quite. Ensure that every theme is sustained completely throughout all of your paragraphs, and part of this will be fleshing out your arguments a little bit more!
Structurally, there were issues in places. Missing concluding sentences, perhaps slightly vague in the introduction; but on the whole the approach works well. I will say to try and keep your essay from dropping off in length in latter paragraphs; it detracts from the strength of your arguments.
Overall, I would say your essay could be improved by developing your ideas a little further, giving me more detail on what the audience learns about corruption and authority etc, and then complementing this with less retell elements, and more techniques and analysis! It's a good essay, and it does everything right. It's hitting context and comparison very nicely. It's just not quite hitting the conceptual and analytical marks every time.
I would say this sits in the Band 5 range, so 13-16 depending on precisely the wording of the question and what it required! Likely towards the higher end of that range ;D
Good work!! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 01:44:17 pm
Hi! I'd very much appreciate if someone could read over my mod c! Thanks :)
(N.B. this is a generic essay without a question)
Hey lozil! Not a problem, my comments are throughout in bold! ;D before I do though, your essay is over 2000 words long; are you sure you can reproduce this in the exam? :)
Spoiler
Real, remembered and imagined landscapes have the potential to profoundly influence individual’s perceptions of themselves and their worlds, however, the transformative power of these landscapes is largely dependent on the individual’s attitudes and engagement with their surroundings. Great concept, well expressed. This is reflected in Alain De Botton’s multi-modal travel memoir, The Art of Travel, which utilises renowned ‘guides’ from the cultural Western canon to affirm an ‘everyman’ persona which discusses changing human experiences in differing landscapes. Awesome. Joanna Newsom’s song In California is similarly hybridised, drawing elements from Baroque, folk, alternative and avant-garde music, yet in contrast to De Botton, represents landscapes as detrimental and lacking in transformative power due to the persona’s lack of engagement with her landscapes. Excellent introduction to your ORT as well, setting yourself up very well. Through a study of both texts, it is evident that individuals can perceive the same landscapes in different ways due to their differing contexts and levels of engagement; thus bringing upon their landscapes a new and individual meaning. Good introduction! Excellent work, ideas well established, I'd like to see you link to the idea of representation just the tiniest bit more for your Prescribed Text, and also, set up your paragraph arguments for the reader.
Exotic landscapes are often glorified to convey an unrealistic utopia, able to heal negative psychological states and bring about personal fulfilment. However, this process is not assured, with the transformative nature of real, imperfect landscapes being largely dependent on individual attitudes. Excellent conceptual statement. This is conveyed in the introductory chapter, On Anticipation. De Botton employs the multi-modal genre of The Art of Travel to visually represent the appeal of imaginary, idealised landscapes, such as the double page spread of Hodge’s landscape painting Tahiti Revisited (1776). It depicts a beautiful but obviously glorified representation of a Tahitian river bathed in light and framed by picturesque mountains, accompanied by palm trees and two nude female figures bathing by the riverside. Is this description necessary for a marker who knows your text very well? The painting exudes luxury and exoticism, and by tapping into the Western cultural canon, De Botton highlights how the Western tendency to romanticise exotic cultures can lead to disillusionment in the “reality of travel”. Excellent. De Botton proceeds to claim, “Those responsible for the brochure had darkly intuited how easily their readers might be turned into prey…” This utilisation of predatory imagery, “darkly intuited” and “prey”, reveals how commercial institutions have appropriated this desire for personal happiness, representing real landscapes in a glorified and imaginary way, and contributing to the disillusionment by the audience of the “repetitions, misleading emphases and inconsequential plot-lines” in experiencing real landscapes. Fantastic ideas, but that sentence did run the slightest bit too long in my opinion. Break it up a little? Rather, he argues paradoxically, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”, as the fulfilling nature of the landscape, as imagined by the individual, is disrupted by their disillusioned state of consciousness. Technique? This is highlighted through the juxtaposition of the rich imagery of the imagined “azure sky … sand the colour of sun-ripened wheat”, followed by the balancing statement “yet this description only imperfectly reflects what occurred within me, for my attention was in truth far more fractured and confused…” De Botton concludes that “happiness is not material or aesthetic but stubbornly psychological”, and that idealised or imagined representations of any landscape will not automatically inspire or transform the individual if they hold negative, closed-mined attitudes and do not engage with the landscape spiritually and emotionally. Try to make your conclusion more distinct from your analysis. A fantastic paragraph with excellent analysis, superb.
In California follows a persona who, due to an unspecified tragedy, seeks catharsis by moving to rural California, seeking what she imagines to be the transformative qualities of a new, natural landscape. Be careful not to let the plot details form your concept. Yet, the persona becomes disillusioned as she cannot escape the trauma of her past, despite what she imagined to be the landscape’s omnipotent rehabilitating qualities. This is depicted through the varying representations of nature over the course of the song. Through alliteration and accumulation of natural imagery in “I tried to understand / the dry rot, the burn pile / the bark-beetle, the black bear”, the persona expresses her desire for what she imagines are the cleansing properties of the natural world. On each ‘b’ syllable, the singer anticipates the beat, and with the introduction of the rich resonant sound of the brass instruments, her excitement and expectations are conveyed. What does this show us about the damaging nature of landscapes in general? Remember to use your texts as examples of greater ideas, not as the ideas themselves! However, the song ends with “for it has half ruined me / to be hanging around / among the Daphne”, using symbolism to convey her disillusionment with her new landscape as her mental state is unchanged, like Daphne, a plant with beautiful, scented flowers but sporting poisonous berries. Falling slightly into retell there; good use of technique but what does it represent to a responder? Furthermore, the paradox of “I don’t belong to anyone” and “I don’t want to be alone” is reinforced as the two phrases are sung with the same melody, conveying that her imagined expectations do not match up to reality of her new landscape. Again, a more distinct conclusion would be welcome here.
Natural landscapes, real and remembered, can have an immense impact upon the way individuals perceive new landscapes, as well as their own identities. This is shown in On the City and Country. De Botton explores the paradigms of renowned Romantic poet, William Wordsworth, of the cathartic nature of real and remembered natural landscapes in alleviating the negative psychological states derived from corrupting city environments. Excellent start to the paragraph. Using hyperbole, De Botton conveys the extent to which Wordsworth believed cities “foster a family of life-destroying emotions including anxiety, envy and pride.” Himself “afflicted of these ills”, De Botton immerses himself in natural landscapes, using simile and imagery to juxtapose the absurdity of city life with the calming qualities of the natural world in, “The lights of surrounding offices looked like a grave old man bedecked in party decorations … soon it would be over the fields of Essex, then the marshes, before heading out over the mutinous North Sea waves… I felt my anxieties abate.” Try to be a little more clever with your textual references; keep them as short as possible, it's all about efficiency! De Botton concludes that the natural world is “an indispensable corrective to … the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities”. In fact, he extends this statement, arguing that even natural landscapes in their remembered form have the same cathartic powers; quoting from Wordsworth’s poem Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, “Though absent long … I have owed to them [the natural world]. / In lonely rooms, and mid the din / Of towns and cities, [these memories have] passed even into my purer mind / With tranquil restoration.” The last few sentences have shifted heavily into retell. Read them back; are you presenting new ideas or just showing how techniques are used and retelling? A more explicit reference to the audience in this last sentence would probably fix you up. Through relying so overtly and distinctly upon Wordsworth’s poems, De Botton authenticates his view of the restorative power of remembered natural landscapes in corrupting city environments; concluding with the aphorism, “A few moments in the countryside …. could number among the most significant and useful of one’s life”.
In California also addresses the power of remembered landscapes, yet disputes De Botton’s representation of the cathartic powers of remembered and natural landscapes. Love that you are playing these texts against each other in this way, works brilliantly.The persona attempts to “make a new start / in California”, mourning the “foolishness” of her past as the orchestra builds to a climax. Retell. These instruments abruptly cut off, leaving the solo voice and harp, when the persona finds that “some nights / I just never go to sleep at all … / fully abandoning / any thought of anywhere / but home / my home.” Retell. Truncated line length, coupled with the abrupt ending of the climax, conveys the persona’s confusion and isolation in her new natural environment, which she believed would be cathartic. What does this show the audience about landscapes? Furthermore, despite the persona’s intense homesickness, she simultaneously knows that she will not find relief at old home. She represents it as “my home where the darkness does fall so fast / it feels like a mistake / (just like I told you it would / just like the Tulgeywood)”. Pathetic fallacy is used, with the “darkness” that falls on the persona’s home representing her own sorrows, while an intertextual reference is made to Lewis Carroll’s poem The Jabberwocky as the persona likens her old home with the hostile Tulgey Wood in which the Jabberwock was said to reside. What is the effect on the audience of this representational choice to allude to the poem? What does it achieve? In the last stanza of the poem, the persona laments that “it has half ruined me to be hanging around … I am overgrown / I have choked my roots on earth / as rich as roe.” Again, try to use only the part of the quote you need to convey your point - Be efficient! Through the use of natural metaphorical imagery, the persona likens her memories to lecherous “roots as rich as roe”, which have corrupted her new landscape and prevented growth, thus presenting natural and remembered landscapes in a negative “choking” light. This conclusion highlights my concern for the paragraph; it seems to text focused. You've explored the ideas in the text, and this is great, but you haven't considered the ideas in a more general sense, to make it more relevant for the responder. This is vital in this Module, because ultimately, we explore the impact of representation on how ideas are portrayed to an audience! :)
The immense spiritual effects of real landscapes upon individual identity are demonstrated in On the Sublime. Extending upon notions of the cathartic qualities of natural landscapes in On the City and Country, this chapter discusses how sublime landscapes instil within individuals a sense of the vastness and omnipotence of sublime landscapes, causing human anxieties to fade into an eternal perspective as they serve as a reminder of “human frailty and insignificance.” Excellent introduction once again, your conceptual statements are extremely powerful. The power of sublime landscapes is reinforced visually through De Botton’s extensive use of pictures in this chapter, predominantly Romantic paintings of nature by renowned artists such as Loutherbourg, but also encompassing manufactured liminal landscapes such as airports and cityscapes, as seen in On Travelling Places. Would this be allusion? Sublime landscapes force individuals to contemplate their significance in the world, or lack of, and “may help us to accept more graciously the great unfathomable events that molest our lives and will inevitably return us to dust”. Great.Through the use of low modality language “may”, however, De Botton highlights that individuals can only gain these benefits if they genuinely engage with their landscapes. In the chapter On Possessing Beauty, De Botton personifies beauty as being “fugitive … and how long it stays in our memory depends on how intentionally we have apprehended it”. The ‘guide’ for the chapter, John Ruskin, advocates drawing and word painting landscapes, “because this teaches us to see; to notice, rather than to look.” Through including Ruskin’s instructional passages from his guide The Elements of Drawing, De Botton reveals how art-making forces individuals to notice the disparity between their preconceived notions of the landscape, compared to the landscape’s actual composition, leading to a greater understanding of self as it incites “a conscious understanding of the reason behind our attraction to certain landscapes.” Only through consciously engaging with landscapes can individuals can embrace the power of sublime landscapes and “accept without bitterness or lamentation the obstacles we cannot overcome and events we cannot make sense of”, with this spiritual interaction leading to self-enrichment and elucidating a definite sense of personal identity. This is a stronger, more distinct conclusion. Good work.
De Botton’s arguments can be applied to the persona from In California, who expects her new landscape to be automatically cathartic, without engaging in the landscape. This can be seen through the constant anecdotes which riddle the song, reinforced by her metaphorical description of her current life as “an endless eventide” of memories. During these anecdotes, the song is invariably in a happy, major key, ironically conveying a melancholy nostalgia in which the persona longs for the comfort of her old home yet is repelled by the trauma she experienced there. Because of her attachment to her past life, she fails to engage with her new environment, conveyed through the use of passive language “watching” and “wait all night”, such as in “watching the fox pick off my goldfish / from their sorry golden state”. Here, the antithetical images of “fox”, thought in folklore to signal deceased spirits, and “goldfish”, with connotations of prosperity and harmony, are used to represent how her memories prevent her from moving on and finding happiness in her new landscape. This spiritual entrapment is conveyed through the metaphor “You cannot come and see me / for you cross the border of my heart”, in which the persona likens her mental ‘borders’ with physical entrapment. Thus, the persona fails to engage with the beauty and sublimity of her new natural landscape, representing it instead as confining and oppressive, with this absence of contemplation leading to a lack of spiritual peace and enriched self-identity.
De Botton’s multi-modal text The Art of Travel addresses the effects of real, remembered and imagined landscapes upon individual identity and perspective, using ‘guides’ from the Classical Western canon to authenticate his arguments. It is only though investigating the true beauty of real landscapes that individuals elucidate a sense of self-awareness and spiritual fulfilment. In contrast, Joanna Newsom’s song In California represents the consequences of individuals failing to engage with their landscapes, leading to anguish, confusion and alienation. I'd like ONE more sentence to bring everything together (both texts, both arguments) into one summative statement of position. Otherwise, great conclusion! :)
Exotic landscapes are often glorified to convey an unrealistic utopia, able to heal negative psychological states and bring about personal fulfilment. However, this process is not assured, with the transformative nature of real, imperfect landscapes being largely dependent on individual attitudes. Excellent conceptual statement. This is conveyed in the introductory chapter, On Anticipation. De Botton employs the multi-modal genre of The Art of Travel to visually represent the appeal of imaginary, idealised landscapes, such as the double page spread of Hodge’s landscape painting Tahiti Revisited (1776). It depicts a beautiful but obviously glorified representation of a Tahitian river bathed in light and framed by picturesque mountains, accompanied by palm trees and two nude female figures bathing by the riverside. Is this description necessary for a marker who knows your text very well? The painting exudes luxury and exoticism, and by tapping into the Western cultural canon, De Botton highlights how the Western tendency to romanticise exotic cultures can lead to disillusionment in the “reality of travel”. Excellent. De Botton proceeds to claim, “Those responsible for the brochure had darkly intuited how easily their readers might be turned into prey…” This utilisation of predatory imagery, “darkly intuited” and “prey”, reveals how commercial institutions have appropriated this desire for personal happiness, representing real landscapes in a glorified and imaginary way, and contributing to the disillusionment by the audience of the “repetitions, misleading emphases and inconsequential plot-lines” in experiencing real landscapes. Fantastic ideas, but that sentence did run the slightest bit too long in my opinion. Break it up a little? Rather, he argues paradoxically, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”, as the fulfilling nature of the landscape, as imagined by the individual, is disrupted by their disillusioned state of consciousness. Technique? This is highlighted through the juxtaposition of the rich imagery of the imagined “azure sky … sand the colour of sun-ripened wheat”, followed by the balancing statement “yet this description only imperfectly reflects what occurred within me, for my attention was in truth far more fractured and confused…” De Botton concludes that “happiness is not material or aesthetic but stubbornly psychological”, and that idealised or imagined representations of any landscape will not automatically inspire or transform the individual if they hold negative, closed-mined attitudes and do not engage with the landscape spiritually and emotionally. Try to make your conclusion more distinct from your analysis. A fantastic paragraph with excellent analysis, superb.
In California follows a persona who, due to an unspecified tragedy, seeks catharsis by moving to rural California, seeking what she imagines to be the transformative qualities of a new, natural landscape. Be careful not to let the plot details form your concept. Yet, the persona becomes disillusioned as she cannot escape the trauma of her past, despite what she imagined to be the landscape’s omnipotent rehabilitating qualities. This is depicted through the varying representations of nature over the course of the song. Through alliteration and accumulation of natural imagery in “I tried to understand / the dry rot, the burn pile / the bark-beetle, the black bear”, the persona expresses her desire for what she imagines are the cleansing properties of the natural world. On each ‘b’ syllable, the singer anticipates the beat, and with the introduction of the rich resonant sound of the brass instruments, her excitement and expectations are conveyed. What does this show us about the damaging nature of landscapes in general? Remember to use your texts as examples of greater ideas, not as the ideas themselves! However, the song ends with “for it has half ruined me / to be hanging around / among the Daphne”, using symbolism to convey her disillusionment with her new landscape as her mental state is unchanged, like Daphne, a plant with beautiful, scented flowers but sporting poisonous berries. Falling slightly into retell there; good use of technique but what does it represent to a responder? Furthermore, the paradox of “I don’t belong to anyone” and “I don’t want to be alone” is reinforced as the two phrases are sung with the same melody, conveying that her imagined expectations do not match up to reality of her new landscape. Again, a more distinct conclusion would be welcome here.
Natural landscapes, real and remembered, can have an immense impact upon the way individuals perceive new landscapes, as well as their own identities. This is shown in On the City and Country. De Botton explores the paradigms of renowned Romantic poet, William Wordsworth, of the cathartic nature of real and remembered natural landscapes in alleviating the negative psychological states derived from corrupting city environments. Excellent start to the paragraph. Using hyperbole, De Botton conveys the extent to which Wordsworth believed cities “foster a family of life-destroying emotions including anxiety, envy and pride.” Himself “afflicted of these ills”, De Botton immerses himself in natural landscapes, using simile and imagery to juxtapose the absurdity of city life with the calming qualities of the natural world in, “The lights of surrounding offices looked like a grave old man bedecked in party decorations … soon it would be over the fields of Essex, then the marshes, before heading out over the mutinous North Sea waves… I felt my anxieties abate.” Try to be a little more clever with your textual references; keep them as short as possible, it's all about efficiency! De Botton concludes that the natural world is “an indispensable corrective to … the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities”. In fact, he extends this statement, arguing that even natural landscapes in their remembered form have the same cathartic powers; quoting from Wordsworth’s poem Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, “Though absent long … I have owed to them [the natural world]. / In lonely rooms, and mid the din / Of towns and cities, [these memories have] passed even into my purer mind / With tranquil restoration.” The last few sentences have shifted heavily into retell. Read them back; are you presenting new ideas or just showing how techniques are used and retelling? A more explicit reference to the audience in this last sentence would probably fix you up. Through relying so overtly and distinctly upon Wordsworth’s poems, De Botton authenticates his view of the restorative power of remembered natural landscapes in corrupting city environments; concluding with the aphorism, “A few moments in the countryside …. could number among the most significant and useful of one’s life”.
In California also addresses the power of remembered landscapes, yet disputes De Botton’s representation of the cathartic powers of remembered and natural landscapes. Love that you are playing these texts against each other in this way, works brilliantly.The persona attempts to “make a new start / in California”, mourning the “foolishness” of her past as the orchestra builds to a climax. Retell. These instruments abruptly cut off, leaving the solo voice and harp, when the persona finds that “some nights / I just never go to sleep at all … / fully abandoning / any thought of anywhere / but home / my home.” Retell. Truncated line length, coupled with the abrupt ending of the climax, conveys the persona’s confusion and isolation in her new natural environment, which she believed would be cathartic. What does this show the audience about landscapes? Furthermore, despite the persona’s intense homesickness, she simultaneously knows that she will not find relief at old home. She represents it as “my home where the darkness does fall so fast / it feels like a mistake / (just like I told you it would / just like the Tulgeywood)”. Pathetic fallacy is used, with the “darkness” that falls on the persona’s home representing her own sorrows, while an intertextual reference is made to Lewis Carroll’s poem The Jabberwocky as the persona likens her old home with the hostile Tulgey Wood in which the Jabberwock was said to reside. What is the effect on the audience of this representational choice to allude to the poem? What does it achieve? In the last stanza of the poem, the persona laments that “it has half ruined me to be hanging around … I am overgrown / I have choked my roots on earth / as rich as roe.” Again, try to use only the part of the quote you need to convey your point - Be efficient! Through the use of natural metaphorical imagery, the persona likens her memories to lecherous “roots as rich as roe”, which have corrupted her new landscape and prevented growth, thus presenting natural and remembered landscapes in a negative “choking” light. This conclusion highlights my concern for the paragraph; it seems to text focused. You've explored the ideas in the text, and this is great, but you haven't considered the ideas in a more general sense, to make it more relevant for the responder. This is vital in this Module, because ultimately, we explore the impact of representation on how ideas are portrayed to an audience! :)
The immense spiritual effects of real landscapes upon individual identity are demonstrated in On the Sublime. Extending upon notions of the cathartic qualities of natural landscapes in On the City and Country, this chapter discusses how sublime landscapes instil within individuals a sense of the vastness and omnipotence of sublime landscapes, causing human anxieties to fade into an eternal perspective as they serve as a reminder of “human frailty and insignificance.” Excellent introduction once again, your conceptual statements are extremely powerful. The power of sublime landscapes is reinforced visually through De Botton’s extensive use of pictures in this chapter, predominantly Romantic paintings of nature by renowned artists such as Loutherbourg, but also encompassing manufactured liminal landscapes such as airports and cityscapes, as seen in On Travelling Places. Would this be allusion? Sublime landscapes force individuals to contemplate their significance in the world, or lack of, and “may help us to accept more graciously the great unfathomable events that molest our lives and will inevitably return us to dust”. Great.Through the use of low modality language “may”, however, De Botton highlights that individuals can only gain these benefits if they genuinely engage with their landscapes. In the chapter On Possessing Beauty, De Botton personifies beauty as being “fugitive … and how long it stays in our memory depends on how intentionally we have apprehended it”. The ‘guide’ for the chapter, John Ruskin, advocates drawing and word painting landscapes, “because this teaches us to see; to notice, rather than to look.” Through including Ruskin’s instructional passages from his guide The Elements of Drawing, De Botton reveals how art-making forces individuals to notice the disparity between their preconceived notions of the landscape, compared to the landscape’s actual composition, leading to a greater understanding of self as it incites “a conscious understanding of the reason behind our attraction to certain landscapes.” Only through consciously engaging with landscapes can individuals can embrace the power of sublime landscapes and “accept without bitterness or lamentation the obstacles we cannot overcome and events we cannot make sense of”, with this spiritual interaction leading to self-enrichment and elucidating a definite sense of personal identity. This is a stronger, more distinct conclusion. Good work.
De Botton’s arguments can be applied to the persona from In California, who expects her new landscape to be automatically cathartic, without engaging in the landscape. This can be seen through the constant anecdotes which riddle the song, reinforced by her metaphorical description of her current life as “an endless eventide” of memories. During these anecdotes, the song is invariably in a happy, major key, ironically conveying a melancholy nostalgia in which the persona longs for the comfort of her old home yet is repelled by the trauma she experienced there. Because of her attachment to her past life, she fails to engage with her new environment, conveyed through the use of passive language “watching” and “wait all night”, such as in “watching the fox pick off my goldfish / from their sorry golden state”. Here, the antithetical images of “fox”, thought in folklore to signal deceased spirits, and “goldfish”, with connotations of prosperity and harmony, are used to represent how her memories prevent her from moving on and finding happiness in her new landscape. This spiritual entrapment is conveyed through the metaphor “You cannot come and see me / for you cross the border of my heart”, in which the persona likens her mental ‘borders’ with physical entrapment. Thus, the persona fails to engage with the beauty and sublimity of her new natural landscape, representing it instead as confining and oppressive, with this absence of contemplation leading to a lack of spiritual peace and enriched self-identity.
De Botton’s multi-modal text The Art of Travel addresses the effects of real, remembered and imagined landscapes upon individual identity and perspective, using ‘guides’ from the Classical Western canon to authenticate his arguments. It is only though investigating the true beauty of real landscapes that individuals elucidate a sense of self-awareness and spiritual fulfilment. In contrast, Joanna Newsom’s song In California represents the consequences of individuals failing to engage with their landscapes, leading to anguish, confusion and alienation. I'd like ONE more sentence to bring everything together (both texts, both arguments) into one summative statement of position. Otherwise, great conclusion! :)
My feedback is lighter towards the end, mostly because halfway through you'd already done enough to impress me ;) a fantastic essay with superb analytical style, well considered concepts, and excellent expression of your ideas. I love the way you play the texts against each other too; that gets you some extra depth that is really effective!!
My comments throughout are mostly minor, but as overall things, I'd suggest:
- Ensure all your paragraphs have proper conclusions; these should be distinct from your analysis. Thus, ________.
- Be careful of unnecessary details. In some areas you slipped into retell of your text, and/or including techniques in recount of plot (with a link to landscapes thrown in). Try and shift the focus to techniques, which is where it should be for a representation module essay.
- Try to make some more explicit links to the audience. Remember, this is about representation, and texts are represented for an audience. They are constructed in a way that suits a specific context. Try to explore the impacts of techniques on how the responder views ideas on landscapes more frequently and more deliberately, to really push up your sophistication
All of that said, there is a whole lot going right with this essay and nothing at all that concerns me. Adapt this properly to the question and it should do very, very well! :)
Post by: lozil on October 06, 2016, 06:34:29 pm
Hey lozil! Not a problem, my comments are throughout in bold! ;D before I do though, your essay is over 2000 words long; are you sure you can reproduce this in the exam? :)SpoilerReal, remembered and imagined landscapes have the potential to profoundly influence individual’s perceptions of themselves and their worlds, however, the transformative power of these landscapes is largely dependent on the individual’s attitudes and engagement with their surroundings. Great concept, well expressed. This is reflected in Alain De Botton’s multi-modal travel memoir, The Art of Travel, which utilises renowned ‘guides’ from the cultural Western canon to affirm an ‘everyman’ persona which discusses changing human experiences in differing landscapes. Awesome. Joanna Newsom’s song In California is similarly hybridised, drawing elements from Baroque, folk, alternative and avant-garde music, yet in contrast to De Botton, represents landscapes as detrimental and lacking in transformative power due to the persona’s lack of engagement with her landscapes. Excellent introduction to your ORT as well, setting yourself up very well. Through a study of both texts, it is evident that individuals can perceive the same landscapes in different ways due to their differing contexts and levels of engagement; thus bringing upon their landscapes a new and individual meaning. Good introduction! Excellent work, ideas well established, I'd like to see you link to the idea of representation just the tiniest bit more for your Prescribed Text, and also, set up your paragraph arguments for the reader.
Exotic landscapes are often glorified to convey an unrealistic utopia, able to heal negative psychological states and bring about personal fulfilment. However, this process is not assured, with the transformative nature of real, imperfect landscapes being largely dependent on individual attitudes. Excellent conceptual statement. This is conveyed in the introductory chapter, On Anticipation. De Botton employs the multi-modal genre of The Art of Travel to visually represent the appeal of imaginary, idealised landscapes, such as the double page spread of Hodge’s landscape painting Tahiti Revisited (1776). It depicts a beautiful but obviously glorified representation of a Tahitian river bathed in light and framed by picturesque mountains, accompanied by palm trees and two nude female figures bathing by the riverside. Is this description necessary for a marker who knows your text very well? The painting exudes luxury and exoticism, and by tapping into the Western cultural canon, De Botton highlights how the Western tendency to romanticise exotic cultures can lead to disillusionment in the “reality of travel”. Excellent. De Botton proceeds to claim, “Those responsible for the brochure had darkly intuited how easily their readers might be turned into prey…” This utilisation of predatory imagery, “darkly intuited” and “prey”, reveals how commercial institutions have appropriated this desire for personal happiness, representing real landscapes in a glorified and imaginary way, and contributing to the disillusionment by the audience of the “repetitions, misleading emphases and inconsequential plot-lines” in experiencing real landscapes. Fantastic ideas, but that sentence did run the slightest bit too long in my opinion. Break it up a little? Rather, he argues paradoxically, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”, as the fulfilling nature of the landscape, as imagined by the individual, is disrupted by their disillusioned state of consciousness. Technique? This is highlighted through the juxtaposition of the rich imagery of the imagined “azure sky … sand the colour of sun-ripened wheat”, followed by the balancing statement “yet this description only imperfectly reflects what occurred within me, for my attention was in truth far more fractured and confused…” De Botton concludes that “happiness is not material or aesthetic but stubbornly psychological”, and that idealised or imagined representations of any landscape will not automatically inspire or transform the individual if they hold negative, closed-mined attitudes and do not engage with the landscape spiritually and emotionally. Try to make your conclusion more distinct from your analysis. A fantastic paragraph with excellent analysis, superb.
In California follows a persona who, due to an unspecified tragedy, seeks catharsis by moving to rural California, seeking what she imagines to be the transformative qualities of a new, natural landscape. Be careful not to let the plot details form your concept. Yet, the persona becomes disillusioned as she cannot escape the trauma of her past, despite what she imagined to be the landscape’s omnipotent rehabilitating qualities. This is depicted through the varying representations of nature over the course of the song. Through alliteration and accumulation of natural imagery in “I tried to understand / the dry rot, the burn pile / the bark-beetle, the black bear”, the persona expresses her desire for what she imagines are the cleansing properties of the natural world. On each ‘b’ syllable, the singer anticipates the beat, and with the introduction of the rich resonant sound of the brass instruments, her excitement and expectations are conveyed. What does this show us about the damaging nature of landscapes in general? Remember to use your texts as examples of greater ideas, not as the ideas themselves! However, the song ends with “for it has half ruined me / to be hanging around / among the Daphne”, using symbolism to convey her disillusionment with her new landscape as her mental state is unchanged, like Daphne, a plant with beautiful, scented flowers but sporting poisonous berries. Falling slightly into retell there; good use of technique but what does it represent to a responder? Furthermore, the paradox of “I don’t belong to anyone” and “I don’t want to be alone” is reinforced as the two phrases are sung with the same melody, conveying that her imagined expectations do not match up to reality of her new landscape. Again, a more distinct conclusion would be welcome here.
Natural landscapes, real and remembered, can have an immense impact upon the way individuals perceive new landscapes, as well as their own identities. This is shown in On the City and Country. De Botton explores the paradigms of renowned Romantic poet, William Wordsworth, of the cathartic nature of real and remembered natural landscapes in alleviating the negative psychological states derived from corrupting city environments. Excellent start to the paragraph. Using hyperbole, De Botton conveys the extent to which Wordsworth believed cities “foster a family of life-destroying emotions including anxiety, envy and pride.” Himself “afflicted of these ills”, De Botton immerses himself in natural landscapes, using simile and imagery to juxtapose the absurdity of city life with the calming qualities of the natural world in, “The lights of surrounding offices looked like a grave old man bedecked in party decorations … soon it would be over the fields of Essex, then the marshes, before heading out over the mutinous North Sea waves… I felt my anxieties abate.” Try to be a little more clever with your textual references; keep them as short as possible, it's all about efficiency! De Botton concludes that the natural world is “an indispensable corrective to … the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities”. In fact, he extends this statement, arguing that even natural landscapes in their remembered form have the same cathartic powers; quoting from Wordsworth’s poem Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, “Though absent long … I have owed to them [the natural world]. / In lonely rooms, and mid the din / Of towns and cities, [these memories have] passed even into my purer mind / With tranquil restoration.” The last few sentences have shifted heavily into retell. Read them back; are you presenting new ideas or just showing how techniques are used and retelling? A more explicit reference to the audience in this last sentence would probably fix you up. Through relying so overtly and distinctly upon Wordsworth’s poems, De Botton authenticates his view of the restorative power of remembered natural landscapes in corrupting city environments; concluding with the aphorism, “A few moments in the countryside …. could number among the most significant and useful of one’s life”.
In California also addresses the power of remembered landscapes, yet disputes De Botton’s representation of the cathartic powers of remembered and natural landscapes. Love that you are playing these texts against each other in this way, works brilliantly.The persona attempts to “make a new start / in California”, mourning the “foolishness” of her past as the orchestra builds to a climax. Retell. These instruments abruptly cut off, leaving the solo voice and harp, when the persona finds that “some nights / I just never go to sleep at all … / fully abandoning / any thought of anywhere / but home / my home.” Retell. Truncated line length, coupled with the abrupt ending of the climax, conveys the persona’s confusion and isolation in her new natural environment, which she believed would be cathartic. What does this show the audience about landscapes? Furthermore, despite the persona’s intense homesickness, she simultaneously knows that she will not find relief at old home. She represents it as “my home where the darkness does fall so fast / it feels like a mistake / (just like I told you it would / just like the Tulgeywood)”. Pathetic fallacy is used, with the “darkness” that falls on the persona’s home representing her own sorrows, while an intertextual reference is made to Lewis Carroll’s poem The Jabberwocky as the persona likens her old home with the hostile Tulgey Wood in which the Jabberwock was said to reside. What is the effect on the audience of this representational choice to allude to the poem? What does it achieve? In the last stanza of the poem, the persona laments that “it has half ruined me to be hanging around … I am overgrown / I have choked my roots on earth / as rich as roe.” Again, try to use only the part of the quote you need to convey your point - Be efficient! Through the use of natural metaphorical imagery, the persona likens her memories to lecherous “roots as rich as roe”, which have corrupted her new landscape and prevented growth, thus presenting natural and remembered landscapes in a negative “choking” light. This conclusion highlights my concern for the paragraph; it seems to text focused. You've explored the ideas in the text, and this is great, but you haven't considered the ideas in a more general sense, to make it more relevant for the responder. This is vital in this Module, because ultimately, we explore the impact of representation on how ideas are portrayed to an audience! :)
The immense spiritual effects of real landscapes upon individual identity are demonstrated in On the Sublime. Extending upon notions of the cathartic qualities of natural landscapes in On the City and Country, this chapter discusses how sublime landscapes instil within individuals a sense of the vastness and omnipotence of sublime landscapes, causing human anxieties to fade into an eternal perspective as they serve as a reminder of “human frailty and insignificance.” Excellent introduction once again, your conceptual statements are extremely powerful. The power of sublime landscapes is reinforced visually through De Botton’s extensive use of pictures in this chapter, predominantly Romantic paintings of nature by renowned artists such as Loutherbourg, but also encompassing manufactured liminal landscapes such as airports and cityscapes, as seen in On Travelling Places. Would this be allusion? Sublime landscapes force individuals to contemplate their significance in the world, or lack of, and “may help us to accept more graciously the great unfathomable events that molest our lives and will inevitably return us to dust”. Great.Through the use of low modality language “may”, however, De Botton highlights that individuals can only gain these benefits if they genuinely engage with their landscapes. In the chapter On Possessing Beauty, De Botton personifies beauty as being “fugitive … and how long it stays in our memory depends on how intentionally we have apprehended it”. The ‘guide’ for the chapter, John Ruskin, advocates drawing and word painting landscapes, “because this teaches us to see; to notice, rather than to look.” Through including Ruskin’s instructional passages from his guide The Elements of Drawing, De Botton reveals how art-making forces individuals to notice the disparity between their preconceived notions of the landscape, compared to the landscape’s actual composition, leading to a greater understanding of self as it incites “a conscious understanding of the reason behind our attraction to certain landscapes.” Only through consciously engaging with landscapes can individuals can embrace the power of sublime landscapes and “accept without bitterness or lamentation the obstacles we cannot overcome and events we cannot make sense of”, with this spiritual interaction leading to self-enrichment and elucidating a definite sense of personal identity. This is a stronger, more distinct conclusion. Good work.
De Botton’s arguments can be applied to the persona from In California, who expects her new landscape to be automatically cathartic, without engaging in the landscape. This can be seen through the constant anecdotes which riddle the song, reinforced by her metaphorical description of her current life as “an endless eventide” of memories. During these anecdotes, the song is invariably in a happy, major key, ironically conveying a melancholy nostalgia in which the persona longs for the comfort of her old home yet is repelled by the trauma she experienced there. Because of her attachment to her past life, she fails to engage with her new environment, conveyed through the use of passive language “watching” and “wait all night”, such as in “watching the fox pick off my goldfish / from their sorry golden state”. Here, the antithetical images of “fox”, thought in folklore to signal deceased spirits, and “goldfish”, with connotations of prosperity and harmony, are used to represent how her memories prevent her from moving on and finding happiness in her new landscape. This spiritual entrapment is conveyed through the metaphor “You cannot come and see me / for you cross the border of my heart”, in which the persona likens her mental ‘borders’ with physical entrapment. Thus, the persona fails to engage with the beauty and sublimity of her new natural landscape, representing it instead as confining and oppressive, with this absence of contemplation leading to a lack of spiritual peace and enriched self-identity.
De Botton’s multi-modal text The Art of Travel addresses the effects of real, remembered and imagined landscapes upon individual identity and perspective, using ‘guides’ from the Classical Western canon to authenticate his arguments. It is only though investigating the true beauty of real landscapes that individuals elucidate a sense of self-awareness and spiritual fulfilment. In contrast, Joanna Newsom’s song In California represents the consequences of individuals failing to engage with their landscapes, leading to anguish, confusion and alienation. I'd like ONE more sentence to bring everything together (both texts, both arguments) into one summative statement of position. Otherwise, great conclusion! :)
My feedback is lighter towards the end, mostly because halfway through you'd already done enough to impress me ;) a fantastic essay with superb analytical style, well considered concepts, and excellent expression of your ideas. I love the way you play the texts against each other too; that gets you some extra depth that is really effective!!
My comments throughout are mostly minor, but as overall things, I'd suggest:
- Ensure all your paragraphs have proper conclusions; these should be distinct from your analysis. Thus, ________.
- Be careful of unnecessary details. In some areas you slipped into retell of your text, and/or including techniques in recount of plot (with a link to landscapes thrown in). Try and shift the focus to techniques, which is where it should be for a representation module essay.
- Try to make some more explicit links to the audience. Remember, this is about representation, and texts are represented for an audience. They are constructed in a way that suits a specific context. Try to explore the impacts of techniques on how the responder views ideas on landscapes more frequently and more deliberately, to really push up your sophistication
All of that said, there is a whole lot going right with this essay and nothing at all that concerns me. Adapt this properly to the question and it should do very, very well! :)
Ok, thanks for the advice! My essays are always like double the length they should be :'( :'(
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 06:48:25 pm
Ok, thanks for the advice! My essays are always like double the length they should be :'( :'(
Don't stress! If you cut some of the unnecessary retell and plot details, and really hone in on analysis, it won't be so large. Plus you might just be a really quick writer!! Long is good if you can do it! ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 06, 2016, 10:59:05 pm
Hey so i'm doing module A- PRIDE AND PREJUDICE + LETTERS TO ALICE
I was wondering if you could look at my essay and tell me where I can fix it as im a bit confused with the argument and structure in this comparative module.
Hey Rachelle! We require 15 ATAR Notes posts in order to get a full essay or creative pieced marked (you can read more about this in the link in my signature below). In the mean time, we can help you out with no post requirement with your thesis statement if you want to post it here. Or, the English Q+A threads here! :)
Post by: imtrying on October 07, 2016, 11:23:20 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 11:53:57 am
Hey:) Just hoping for some feedback for my Module A essay on 1984 and Metropolis dealing with social control? Thanks so much:)
Hey imtrying! My spreadsheet says you need 60 posts to qualify for this essay to be marked, assuming that you would like your AoS essay marked first at 45 posts. You've been posting heaps lately, hang around a bit more and I bet you'll get there for the weekend! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 12:24:36 pm
Hello, Mod C is my weakest Module as I dont really take interest in politcs. But can you please mark and give detailed feedback on structure, arguments make sense etc Thank You :)
Hey nibblez16! I can see you've posted a Creative to be marked, so if you would like this marked too, you will need to reach 30 posts on ATAR Notes to qualify :) if you hang around a bit you'll get there by the end of the weekend for sure!!
Post by: lha on October 07, 2016, 01:08:32 pm
Also, I really need to cut down atleast 60 words, preferably 100 because i am incredibly slow writer which sucks for english exams so pleasee let me know anything that i can cut out.
Thank you!
Alfred Tennyson’s poetry, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River (1978) initially appear intertextually dissimilar due to divergent contexts and medium. Beyond this artificial divide, however, the texts share a complementary examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness; the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century serving to strengthen the audiences perceptions of this nexus when viewed in tandem, rather than weaken it. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principle concept being portrayed; the role of truthful self-reflection in allowing the main characters to achieve ultimate happiness. This process is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to achieve happiness and find truth from their past.
This examination of truth by Tennyson and Anderson is primarily explored through the lens of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of women within them. In Tirra Lirra by the River, for example, the chronological proximity of the societal context of Australia and England during the 1970s and post WWII is critical to the progression of the novel. Anderson’s characterisation of Nora represents her as a complex and sophisticated woman with an artistic temperament, creating an intertextual connection between her and Tennyson’s creative poetic style. Nora’s disparate personality conveyed through her characterisation as “a backward and innocent girl”, contrasts the contemporarily traditional archetype of womanhood in the 1940s. These arbitrary gender roles are further satirised through the high modality of Colin’s declarative statement, “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasising the dominate role of men during the WWII era. Moreover, “Colin won’t let me”, expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through diction, further reinforcing these gender restrictions and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness. Thus, Anderson’s realistic incorporation of the truthful gender roles that affected women’s happiness in the olden context, in Nora’s life, makes the responder ponder about whether it is based on a true story, skillfully exploring the concept of truth.
Similarly, Tennyson has created an allegory in “The Lady of Shalott” which acts as his case against established gender roles that repressed happiness in the Victorian era. The use of iambic tetrameter creates a sense of urgency, expressing Tennyson’s passion for the issue and thus, his truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. The protagonist is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the truth of the Victorian context, the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. This subtle reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora. Through Anderson and Tennyson’s realistic embodiment of the truth in each context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative effect that they have on a female’s happiness.
Memories are subjective, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. The metaphor in Nora’s “careful[ness] not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side” represents her high selectivity of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing, indicating to the readers that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WWII time that essentially caused her pain. Furthermore, the high modality in “manipulat[ing] the globe myself” emphasises her strong bias that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness. In conjunction, diction used for the self-realisation in, “at last I had begun to admit the truth – that my greatest need was not for a baby”, allows Nora’s admittance of the truth, and thus the ability to find a solution to her sadness, expressing to the readers the high value of subjective memories in creating happiness. Anderson strongly asserts the significance of subjective memories by giving her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness.
Correspondingly, expressed by Tennyson to communicate a significant truth; the mourning rituals which epitomised an individual’s time of passing in the Victorian era, were the memories that the protagonist obtained of his loved one that helped him in grieving. In spite of the pain felt by the protagonist in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual death of his loved one, remembering them truthfully provides comfort. The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing of a recent event, juxtaposing the title, which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. This adeptly promotes Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has for happiness suggesting that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving.
Furthermore, in “In Memoriam”, the repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “the long unlovely street”, a symbol to the audience of the distressingly truthful memories that have to be confronted in order to lament the absence of a friend. Anaphora in the phrase “ring out” draws an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles, symbolizing the positive effect of recalling factual memories of his friend; proficiently sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan them in the Victorian context, to his audience. Furthermore, through “thro’ truths in manhood darkly join”, Tennyson utilizes religious imagery to present the dichotomous relationship between truth and ignorance, making it relatable to people of that religious time, thus allowing an easier understanding of Tennyson’s values amongst the audience. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson.
Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts. They aid to enhance the reader’s understanding of the negative effect of discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow further understanding of the truth and the attainment of happiness. The composers’ analysis of these axiological values accommodate the contextual atmosphere for a comprehensive recognition of the protagonist’s feelings and actions, further assisting a deeper understanding of truth and happiness investigated by Tennyson and Anderson.
Post by: melprocrastinator on October 07, 2016, 01:34:29 pm
But i will seriously appreciate the feedback, as this is a whole new essay, as in it has never been read by a teacher. I decided to scrap my old essay, so just a warning that its probably a little rough around the edges.
Thank you in advance!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 07, 2016, 03:58:43 pm
Could I please have help with my mod b essay and could you also give me a mark out of 20 (or 15, what ever it is)
Rossetti’s poetry has been described as ‘giving voice to the dilemmas of desire amidst strict social expectations’.
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of Rossetti’s poetry?
Dilemmas are problems which need to be exploited, being explored in various ways to tackle and surpass their boundaries. Christina Rossetti is a famous poet for explicitly contrasting her poetry between challenges, facing herself and others in their epoch. Poems ‘Goblin Market’ (1862) and ‘In an Artist's Studio’ (1896) discretely communicate personal ideology on religious aspects whilst referring to women and femininity in the nineteenth century. Whilst these themes are common in her poetry it is noticeable on how she gives voice to any person inclined to the same values.
Rossetti is famously known for addressing predicaments which faced society during the 19th century, surpassing social expectations and ethical ideas which are seen in her range of work. ‘Goblin Market’ is an allegorical narrative styled poem, following a fairytale approach providing moral instruction to its Victorian audience relating to many concepts, dwelling on the infamous notion of fallen women. Being a devoted Christian, Rossetti drew upon various ideas which conflict between religious ethical teachings and femininity. ‘Goblin Market’ is an example of how religious connotations relate to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Sinister connotations are present in the quote “Their evil gifts would harm us” (line 64) which alludes to sexual behavior including religious precaution. The constant symbolism of the fruit relates to the forbidden fruit in the Christian Adam and Eve story seen in “for my sake of the fruit forbidden” (475-484), The temptation was also contrasted in the Christian parable, in which the snake like goblins tempt the personas.
Social expectations are a dangerous enigma which causes control and is commonly challenged in various ways. Rossetti’s patriarchal sonnet ‘In an Artist's Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century. As analyzing the text, it is evident that Pre Raphaelite (and Brother) Dante Rossetti was a part of a major significance for this piece, specifically his relationship with Lizzie Siddal. Idealistic values of women comprised of the religious genre centralising around the notion of “fallen women” are highlighted in ‘In an Artist's Studio’. In the reference “A saint, An Angel” in line 7, the use of metaphor reflects the religious ideals of femininity and “purity” synthesising 19 centuries social attitudes towards women as they were either considered to be virginal, saint like or promiscuous. Having a strong Anglican upbringing, it varied in socialization and brought her closer towards women deemed religious outcastes as concerns grew about women suffrage opposed to Christian values.
Working at High Gate, Rossetti first hand was able to witness the unacceptable treatment of women and how they were out casted by society when going against the status quo. Providing influence towards her poetic work, Rossetti was able to address ambiguous issues involved in her life such as the idea of “fallen women”. In line 83 of Goblin Market, a simile compares Laura to a lily by the edge of a “beck” or steam. Lilies symbolize purity but they are also sometimes associated with death. The reference to the “moon” in line 246 uses a metaphor to associated with the danger of temptation relating to women in this society become drug addicts and once again falling into the category of ‘fallen women’. Similarly like ‘In an Artist’s studio’, the speaker is amidst a destructive environment in which the idea of moral regeneration contemporarily bringing the characters out of a “forbidden” and “fallen” phases.
Being an established author, it is said that Rossetti gained an audience of many people who fought the current situation with prospects involving women and their demise into “temptation”. Her experiences with working with her brother and the rest of the pre Raphaelites gave her deeper empathy regarding marginalised women and the injustices they suffered. Visual Imagery is used in line 5 when it says “in opal or in ruby dress” showing the economic content of the variation of paintings on how they are described using this striking image. The quote “Fair as the moon and joyful as the light” uses a romantic simile, to summaries the artist's view of the female model. Symbolism is used frequently in an Artist's studio such as the mirror as it represents reflections of reality and the artist's image of the model, not the person as she actually is. Brothers muse Elizabeth Siddal, represented his own personal views on her and how he would like her to be depicted.
As Christina Rossetti was notorious for her struggles against communal intentions, providing guidance for those looked down upon, she always broke boundaries and surpassed expectations. ‘Goblin Market’ correlates to the idea of “Fallen women” providing moral instruction to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Similarly, ‘In an Artist’s Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century notioning the disrespectful intentions of male artists. By dilemmas being addressed by Rossetti, she radiates a powerful voice which captures the audience alluding them to the injustices involved in their society.
Post by: :3 on October 07, 2016, 04:54:42 pm
Could you possibly provide feedback (and possibly a mark [not neccessarily needed]) on my Module C: People and Politics essay? I'm a bit unsure as to whether my analysis is strong enough, the structure of the essay works and also if I rely too much on retell.
Spoiler
Analyse how the representation of the relationship between people and politics has significance for both the individual and broader society.
The portrayal of relationships between citizens and their governments often plays a significant role in addressing societal issues surrounding the exercise of control. Aldous Huxley’s politically satirical novel Brave New World (1931) and James McTeigue’s compelling film V for Vendetta (2006) both explore the detrimental effects of a corrupt political agenda upon those dictated by it, which hence, emphasises the need for personal interventions in liberating others from it. Although manipulation by the government is often portrayed as being for the ‘greater good’ of society, it in the essence restricts civil liberty.
The overarching governmental objectives for power or efficiency has often resulted in the degradation of fundamental humanitarian values due to individuals being oppressed by fear mongering or manipulative means. In the novel, the World Controllers desire for universal order and stability within the State has led to forced conformity amongst society in order to achieve it. This is illustrated within the parody of the French Revolution Tripartite mantra of ‘liberty, equality, fraternity” within “community, identity, stability”, which contrast in values: one for civil freedom and the other for complete subservience. Likewise in the film, the conservative party Norsefire too aims to have total control of its British citizens in order to enforce their own regulations and to also become financially wealthy. [Insert quote/technique - need to find one :3]. Hence, to reinforce such compliance within the World State, technocratic means are employed such as hypnopaedic engineering and the use of the suppressive drug ‘soma’. Such process has led to social degeneracy as individuals are fundamentally being manipulated to accept governmental ideologies unconsciously; their actions have already been pre-determined like ‘robots’. This is evident within the situational irony of the Director of Hatchery’s statement “all conditioning aims at that: making people like their unescapable social destiny”, which highlights this immoral enslavement of human choice. Similarly, Norsefire too achieves it by taking advantage over the situation involving the outbreak of an unknown and deadly disease, created by them, by spreading fear through the use of the media and ultimately promising a cure, which guaranteed their election. The cliché of “fear became the ultimate tool…they promised you order, and all they demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent” illustrates this in which individuals had to sacrifice their civil liberty for societal ‘harmony’. Overall, the immense authority politicians had over their citizens has led to the deterioration of individual wellbeing as their freedom is essentially suppressed.
The manipulation of truth by governments is often performed to conceal the inhumane effects of their policies, which as a result, fabricates a false sense of security amongst the influenced. Mustapha Mond within the novel perceives his exercise of control as being vital for ‘universal order and happiness’ as exhibited within the metaphor of “wheels must turn steadily...there must be men to tend them, men...sane...obedient...stable in contentment”. Such representation of it as clockwork highlights the need for individuals, like cogs, to perform their specific roles to ensure efficiency. Likewise, Norsefire portrays their interventions as being a necessity in ensuring societal harmony as depicted within the repetition within “to fail is to invite doubt...doubt will plunge this country back into chaos”. This statement illustrates that if individuals were allowed to exercise their own free will, then regulations that ensured structure would be disregarded, resulting in turmoil. Consequently, Mond embeds such mentality within the psyche of the World State’s citizens as epitomised by Lenina, who is promiscuously active to ‘play her part’ in stability. This is demonstrated within the sexual allusion of “she was a popular girl and, at one time or another, had spent a night with almost all of them”, which highlights this decision but also the degrading nature of it as she is merely being portrayed as an object to be used, rather than a human being. Similarly, citizens under Norsefire regime also ‘understand’ the necessity of control, especially in regards to the persecution of those that oppose it, in achieving societal order as discernment often leads to anarchism and chaos, causing them to adopt a conformist identity. The figurative language within television host Dietrich’s statement of “you wear a mask for so long that you forget who you were beneath it” illustrates this compliance as he is living out a façade moulded by the government, rather than his genuine self, which is reinforced through propaganda and ‘coercion’; it in the essence subdues individuality completely. Hence, the manipulation of truth by governments ultimately leads to social injustice.
The tension between political and personal ideologies, brought about by a clash in values, can often lead to either positive or negative outcomes, depending on the individual's capability to liberate others from the government’s hegemonic control. John within the novel embodies the Shakespearian values of romanticism and honour, causing him to despise the hypnopaedic conformist ideal of “everyone belongs to everyone else” and ultimately the World Controller’s manipulation. The cumulative listing of yearnings within “I don’t want comfort. I want...real danger...freedom...sin” highlights this indictment of promiscuous values as he desires to earn his admiration, rather than assimilate into a society where it is degradingly easy to obtain. Likewise, V in the film found assurance within civil liberty, resulting in him to criticise the public’s abandonment of it for control, and supposedly peace. This is exhibited within the metaphor of “our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have...with it, we are free”, which demonstrates society’s nature to fall for enticingly positive outcomes, even when human rights, a necessity for individual happiness, is at stake. However, despite attempts to alter the World State’s citizens mentality from control to freedom, John realises the futility of it as their thoughts have been pre-determined since the beginning, causing him to commit suicide in an attempt to escape such dystopic and immoral world. The gruesome imagery of his death within “dangled a pair of feet...like...compass needles [that rotated endlessly]” demonstrates this in which humanity has lost its sense of direction, which as a result, has led to social injustice. Conversely, V had become a national symbol for justice and freedom as he had openly challenged and exposed the immoral intents of Norsefire. Consequently, citizens then realise the detrimental effects of such governmental policies on individuality, causing them to abandon it for V’s objective for anarchism in an attempt to restore civil liberty and ultimately freedom. The wide shot of the public dressed as ‘V’ exhibits such unity against the hegemonic control of the government, and also how one individual can start off a chain reaction that ‘flips’ political and individual relationships.
Conclusion: not sure how to write an effective one as I usually in a exam just regurgiate the question with my stance due to time constraints and hence, was wondering if you could provide an in-general structure for conclusions.
The portrayal of relationships between citizens and their governments often plays a significant role in addressing societal issues surrounding the exercise of control. Aldous Huxley’s politically satirical novel Brave New World (1931) and James McTeigue’s compelling film V for Vendetta (2006) both explore the detrimental effects of a corrupt political agenda upon those dictated by it, which hence, emphasises the need for personal interventions in liberating others from it. Although manipulation by the government is often portrayed as being for the ‘greater good’ of society, it in the essence restricts civil liberty.
The overarching governmental objectives for power or efficiency has often resulted in the degradation of fundamental humanitarian values due to individuals being oppressed by fear mongering or manipulative means. In the novel, the World Controllers desire for universal order and stability within the State has led to forced conformity amongst society in order to achieve it. This is illustrated within the parody of the French Revolution Tripartite mantra of ‘liberty, equality, fraternity” within “community, identity, stability”, which contrast in values: one for civil freedom and the other for complete subservience. Likewise in the film, the conservative party Norsefire too aims to have total control of its British citizens in order to enforce their own regulations and to also become financially wealthy. [Insert quote/technique - need to find one :3]. Hence, to reinforce such compliance within the World State, technocratic means are employed such as hypnopaedic engineering and the use of the suppressive drug ‘soma’. Such process has led to social degeneracy as individuals are fundamentally being manipulated to accept governmental ideologies unconsciously; their actions have already been pre-determined like ‘robots’. This is evident within the situational irony of the Director of Hatchery’s statement “all conditioning aims at that: making people like their unescapable social destiny”, which highlights this immoral enslavement of human choice. Similarly, Norsefire too achieves it by taking advantage over the situation involving the outbreak of an unknown and deadly disease, created by them, by spreading fear through the use of the media and ultimately promising a cure, which guaranteed their election. The cliché of “fear became the ultimate tool…they promised you order, and all they demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent” illustrates this in which individuals had to sacrifice their civil liberty for societal ‘harmony’. Overall, the immense authority politicians had over their citizens has led to the deterioration of individual wellbeing as their freedom is essentially suppressed.
The manipulation of truth by governments is often performed to conceal the inhumane effects of their policies, which as a result, fabricates a false sense of security amongst the influenced. Mustapha Mond within the novel perceives his exercise of control as being vital for ‘universal order and happiness’ as exhibited within the metaphor of “wheels must turn steadily...there must be men to tend them, men...sane...obedient...stable in contentment”. Such representation of it as clockwork highlights the need for individuals, like cogs, to perform their specific roles to ensure efficiency. Likewise, Norsefire portrays their interventions as being a necessity in ensuring societal harmony as depicted within the repetition within “to fail is to invite doubt...doubt will plunge this country back into chaos”. This statement illustrates that if individuals were allowed to exercise their own free will, then regulations that ensured structure would be disregarded, resulting in turmoil. Consequently, Mond embeds such mentality within the psyche of the World State’s citizens as epitomised by Lenina, who is promiscuously active to ‘play her part’ in stability. This is demonstrated within the sexual allusion of “she was a popular girl and, at one time or another, had spent a night with almost all of them”, which highlights this decision but also the degrading nature of it as she is merely being portrayed as an object to be used, rather than a human being. Similarly, citizens under Norsefire regime also ‘understand’ the necessity of control, especially in regards to the persecution of those that oppose it, in achieving societal order as discernment often leads to anarchism and chaos, causing them to adopt a conformist identity. The figurative language within television host Dietrich’s statement of “you wear a mask for so long that you forget who you were beneath it” illustrates this compliance as he is living out a façade moulded by the government, rather than his genuine self, which is reinforced through propaganda and ‘coercion’; it in the essence subdues individuality completely. Hence, the manipulation of truth by governments ultimately leads to social injustice.
The tension between political and personal ideologies, brought about by a clash in values, can often lead to either positive or negative outcomes, depending on the individual's capability to liberate others from the government’s hegemonic control. John within the novel embodies the Shakespearian values of romanticism and honour, causing him to despise the hypnopaedic conformist ideal of “everyone belongs to everyone else” and ultimately the World Controller’s manipulation. The cumulative listing of yearnings within “I don’t want comfort. I want...real danger...freedom...sin” highlights this indictment of promiscuous values as he desires to earn his admiration, rather than assimilate into a society where it is degradingly easy to obtain. Likewise, V in the film found assurance within civil liberty, resulting in him to criticise the public’s abandonment of it for control, and supposedly peace. This is exhibited within the metaphor of “our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have...with it, we are free”, which demonstrates society’s nature to fall for enticingly positive outcomes, even when human rights, a necessity for individual happiness, is at stake. However, despite attempts to alter the World State’s citizens mentality from control to freedom, John realises the futility of it as their thoughts have been pre-determined since the beginning, causing him to commit suicide in an attempt to escape such dystopic and immoral world. The gruesome imagery of his death within “dangled a pair of feet...like...compass needles [that rotated endlessly]” demonstrates this in which humanity has lost its sense of direction, which as a result, has led to social injustice. Conversely, V had become a national symbol for justice and freedom as he had openly challenged and exposed the immoral intents of Norsefire. Consequently, citizens then realise the detrimental effects of such governmental policies on individuality, causing them to abandon it for V’s objective for anarchism in an attempt to restore civil liberty and ultimately freedom. The wide shot of the public dressed as ‘V’ exhibits such unity against the hegemonic control of the government, and also how one individual can start off a chain reaction that ‘flips’ political and individual relationships.
Conclusion: not sure how to write an effective one as I usually in a exam just regurgiate the question with my stance due to time constraints and hence, was wondering if you could provide an in-general structure for conclusions.
Much appreciated. <3
Post by: BPunjabi on October 07, 2016, 07:26:56 pm
I just posted my Module B question and I think that was when I had 45 posts, so now I have 60 so I am eligible to upload module C now aswell right?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 08:33:56 pm
Hey Jamon and other mods!
I just posted my Module B question and I think that was when I had 45 posts, so now I have 60 so I am eligible to upload module C now aswell right?
Yep! Expect a bit of a longer delay than normal though (that's a message for everyone posting from this point), we've got a pretty solid backlog at the moment :) :) :)
Post by: melprocrastinator on October 07, 2016, 08:40:23 pm
Yep! Expect a bit of a longer delay than normal though (that's a message for everyone posting from this point), we've got a pretty solid backlog at the moment :) :) :)
Hey Jamon, how long do you think it will take? :) Im only asking so i know what day to allocate study to the essay i handed in.
Not meaning to put pressure or anything, just so i can be somewhat organised.
I understand you guys have a lot on your plate at the moment :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 09:14:08 pm
Hey Jamon, how long do you think it will take? :) Im only asking so i know what day to allocate study to the essay i handed in.
Not meaning to put pressure or anything, just so i can be somewhat organised.
I understand you guys have a lot on your plate at the moment :)
Hey Mel! No no I understand that you need to keep organised, I'm bummed we have to keep you waiting!
So there are just over 20 creatives/essays waiting to be marked, over half of which were posted today. My aim for tonight is to get through everything posted before today, then tomorrow we'll jump on everything posted today. Best case scenario, tomorrow, more likely is Sunday or even early Monday. So, plan to be working with the feedback on Monday, that way you will definitely have it! :)
Post by: melprocrastinator on October 07, 2016, 09:18:12 pm
Hey Mel! No no I understand that you need to keep organised, I'm bummed we have to keep you waiting!
So there are just over 20 creatives/essays waiting to be marked, over half of which were posted today. My aim for tonight is to get through everything posted before today, then tomorrow we'll jump on everything posted today. Best case scenario, tomorrow, more likely is Sunday or even early Monday. So, plan to be working with the feedback on Monday, that way you will definitely have it! :)
Alrighty, Monday is going to be an intense memorising day then. Thanks for answering. Best of luck marking.
Post by: jakesilove on October 07, 2016, 09:39:09 pm
Can someone please mark my Module C essay for BNW! Thanks!
Hey Fizzy! Sorry for the delay! Check out my comments below :)
Original Essay
Spoiler
The political framework within societies can initiate curiosities which lead individuals to seek the truth. Aldous Huxley’s 1931 novel, Brave New World, explores the role of technology and the government to dictate conditioned individuals in the World State. Similarly, Steven Spielberg’s 2001 film Artificial Intelligence analyses the impact of technology and science within society as a means of questioning the truth. Both works explore the role of politics and its consequential negative ramifications upon individuals and society as a whole. (Conclude introduction by answering the question)
The ramifications of technology and science can be detrimental as they dictate the state of humanity. Huxley’s Brave New World explores the impact of technology and science in controlling individuals thought and action. The Bokanovsky’s process of human cloning is a key aspect of Huxley’s World State. The repetition of “major instruments of social stability” connotes the significance of this scientific process as a means of controlling humanity to maintain a façade of social stability. The government’s usurpation of power and control over individuals dictate their experience of the surrounding illusive world. The high modality of “our suggestions. Suggestions from the State” implies the conditioning of individuals by which they become restricted to values that the government holds for them. Mond diminishes the importance of god as something that “used to be”, naturalising the notion that everyone is gods property but religion in the modern world is superfluous. Through the text, Huxley manipulates the concept of god to be incompatible with “machinery and scientific medicine” thus rendering its importance futile for social organisation. God becomes obsolete in Brave New World and instead is replaced through the motifs of “Ford”, demonstrating that even religion has been replaced by reverence for technology. Fordian knowledge is propagated through the locking away of sacred texts, depriving citizens of the truth, religion and art for the sake of happiness, reiterating the notion that “history is bunk”. Huxley uses the demarcation of individuality as a vehicle for exploring his fears and fascination of technology at the turn of the 20th century.
A society full of expectations can place restrictions on individuals to act a certain way. Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence explores the benefits of technology and science in fulfilling the desires of those in power. The film opens in a dark setting, symbolising power and control to illustrate the control technology has within society. The use of machine intelligence is an important aspect of society because of its potential to allow politicians to artificially recreate the substance lacking in society. Spielberg’s microcosmic world parallels Huxley’s literary trope of the World State where humans are conditioned and surrendered physically, emotionally and spiritually through the Bokanovsky’s process. The human characterisation of the mecha robot contrasts with the World State in which conditioned humans are devoid of all feelings. The proximity of the protagonist mother with the robotic child asleep in the incubator parallels the hypnopaedia process of the World State. The restricted nature of the mecha robotic child is juxtaposed with his “real” brother. His actions become controlled by a superior being alluding to the incapacity of mechanised individuals to fully develop as normal human beings. (closing sentence according to Q)
The concept of the truth can be dangerous as it has the ability to initiate thoughts about life and purpose. The repetition and italicisation of “Soma” emphasises its importance in the world state. The government of Brave New World retains power by making its citizens so happy and superficially fulfilled through “Soma” drawing them away from questioning the truth about their personal freedom. Huxley’s world state becomes a replacement for “Christianity without tears”, connoting religion to be in adequate because humanity still experiences misery, war and poverty. In this phony world, the Savage desires truth and beauty, however Mond rejects the importance of truth substituting it with “universal happiness”, the utopian reference reinforces the illusory façade of the World State. The increased consumerism furthers the distraction from seeking the truth by provoking insights into government beliefs. Mond considers the paper he is reading to be “dangerous and potentially subversive” as he worries that purpose will make people think about God and question the truth. Huxley uses the ironic thought to portray the incompetence of the world state in its quest to successfully satisfy man’s greater questions and curiosities. The employment of formal language and parentheses of “mother and father (grotesque obscenity)” demonstrates the irrelevance of these terms in the World State. The world state draws on the abnormality of humanity by forcing sexual promiscuity to be a matter of obscenity, contrasting with the natural instinct of individuals. The manipulation of language becomes a vehicle through which the World State controls citizens in an attempt to prevent individuals from questioning the truth. (Link back to Q)
Questioning the truth can sometimes be perplexing. Artificial Intelligence explores the importance of emotions with the assistance of technology and science. Unlike Brave New World where parents are seen as a “grotesque obscenity”, Spielberg manipulates technology to become a platform for strengthening the importance of maternal relationships and their emotional associations. Technology holds the ability to create a mechanically engineered child who has immense feelings towards his mother. The facial expressions illustrated through the frontal camera angle portray the significance of having feelings within humanity. The use of the low camera angle creates empathy for the child as he does not know that he is a robot, reinforcing the ability of political regimes in manipulating the truth for individuals. He falls into believing he is a normal boy, contrasting with the conditioned humans in Brave New World. Although Spielberg enforces the importance of emotions in society, it becomes an artificial construct that is used to propagate the values of those in power. The absence of background noise and music creates a tense atmosphere as the dad starts to doubt the creation of the robotic kid. The father’s questioning serves as a didactic warning against diminishing individual thought in an attempt to abrogate social power. Spielberg’s notion of thought parallels the government in BNW doubting the purpose of conditioned children as a threat of initiating questions of purpose and truth. (Link back to Q)
Both composers draw on their perceptions of science and technology in allowing the government to take control of society and maintain power. The questioning of the truth however, is a result of the negative ramifications of science and technology. Huxley focuses on the benefits of technology by using it to condition humans and create a state full of individuals that have been shaped to behave a certain way. Spielberg similarly adopts technology and science to comment on the dangers of manipulating concepts that are beyond the control of individuals. Together both composers draw on the natural instincts of emotions and humanity to force the audience to question intentional intervention.
The ramifications of technology and science can be detrimental as they dictate the state of humanity. Huxley’s Brave New World explores the impact of technology and science in controlling individuals thought and action. The Bokanovsky’s process of human cloning is a key aspect of Huxley’s World State. The repetition of “major instruments of social stability” connotes the significance of this scientific process as a means of controlling humanity to maintain a façade of social stability. The government’s usurpation of power and control over individuals dictate their experience of the surrounding illusive world. The high modality of “our suggestions. Suggestions from the State” implies the conditioning of individuals by which they become restricted to values that the government holds for them. Mond diminishes the importance of god as something that “used to be”, naturalising the notion that everyone is gods property but religion in the modern world is superfluous. Through the text, Huxley manipulates the concept of god to be incompatible with “machinery and scientific medicine” thus rendering its importance futile for social organisation. God becomes obsolete in Brave New World and instead is replaced through the motifs of “Ford”, demonstrating that even religion has been replaced by reverence for technology. Fordian knowledge is propagated through the locking away of sacred texts, depriving citizens of the truth, religion and art for the sake of happiness, reiterating the notion that “history is bunk”. Huxley uses the demarcation of individuality as a vehicle for exploring his fears and fascination of technology at the turn of the 20th century.
A society full of expectations can place restrictions on individuals to act a certain way. Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence explores the benefits of technology and science in fulfilling the desires of those in power. The film opens in a dark setting, symbolising power and control to illustrate the control technology has within society. The use of machine intelligence is an important aspect of society because of its potential to allow politicians to artificially recreate the substance lacking in society. Spielberg’s microcosmic world parallels Huxley’s literary trope of the World State where humans are conditioned and surrendered physically, emotionally and spiritually through the Bokanovsky’s process. The human characterisation of the mecha robot contrasts with the World State in which conditioned humans are devoid of all feelings. The proximity of the protagonist mother with the robotic child asleep in the incubator parallels the hypnopaedia process of the World State. The restricted nature of the mecha robotic child is juxtaposed with his “real” brother. His actions become controlled by a superior being alluding to the incapacity of mechanised individuals to fully develop as normal human beings. (closing sentence according to Q)
The concept of the truth can be dangerous as it has the ability to initiate thoughts about life and purpose. The repetition and italicisation of “Soma” emphasises its importance in the world state. The government of Brave New World retains power by making its citizens so happy and superficially fulfilled through “Soma” drawing them away from questioning the truth about their personal freedom. Huxley’s world state becomes a replacement for “Christianity without tears”, connoting religion to be in adequate because humanity still experiences misery, war and poverty. In this phony world, the Savage desires truth and beauty, however Mond rejects the importance of truth substituting it with “universal happiness”, the utopian reference reinforces the illusory façade of the World State. The increased consumerism furthers the distraction from seeking the truth by provoking insights into government beliefs. Mond considers the paper he is reading to be “dangerous and potentially subversive” as he worries that purpose will make people think about God and question the truth. Huxley uses the ironic thought to portray the incompetence of the world state in its quest to successfully satisfy man’s greater questions and curiosities. The employment of formal language and parentheses of “mother and father (grotesque obscenity)” demonstrates the irrelevance of these terms in the World State. The world state draws on the abnormality of humanity by forcing sexual promiscuity to be a matter of obscenity, contrasting with the natural instinct of individuals. The manipulation of language becomes a vehicle through which the World State controls citizens in an attempt to prevent individuals from questioning the truth. (Link back to Q)
Questioning the truth can sometimes be perplexing. Artificial Intelligence explores the importance of emotions with the assistance of technology and science. Unlike Brave New World where parents are seen as a “grotesque obscenity”, Spielberg manipulates technology to become a platform for strengthening the importance of maternal relationships and their emotional associations. Technology holds the ability to create a mechanically engineered child who has immense feelings towards his mother. The facial expressions illustrated through the frontal camera angle portray the significance of having feelings within humanity. The use of the low camera angle creates empathy for the child as he does not know that he is a robot, reinforcing the ability of political regimes in manipulating the truth for individuals. He falls into believing he is a normal boy, contrasting with the conditioned humans in Brave New World. Although Spielberg enforces the importance of emotions in society, it becomes an artificial construct that is used to propagate the values of those in power. The absence of background noise and music creates a tense atmosphere as the dad starts to doubt the creation of the robotic kid. The father’s questioning serves as a didactic warning against diminishing individual thought in an attempt to abrogate social power. Spielberg’s notion of thought parallels the government in BNW doubting the purpose of conditioned children as a threat of initiating questions of purpose and truth. (Link back to Q)
Both composers draw on their perceptions of science and technology in allowing the government to take control of society and maintain power. The questioning of the truth however, is a result of the negative ramifications of science and technology. Huxley focuses on the benefits of technology by using it to condition humans and create a state full of individuals that have been shaped to behave a certain way. Spielberg similarly adopts technology and science to comment on the dangers of manipulating concepts that are beyond the control of individuals. Together both composers draw on the natural instincts of emotions and humanity to force the audience to question intentional intervention.
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
The political framework within societies can initiate curiosities which lead individuals to seek the truth. I think you could find a more concrete word than 'curiosities' here. Aldous Huxley’s 1931 novel, Brave New World, explores the role of technology and the government to dictate conditioned individuals in the World State. Similarly, Steven Spielberg’s 2001 film Artificial Intelligence analyses the impact of technology and science within society as a means of questioning the truth. Both works explore the role of politics and its consequential negative ramifications upon individuals and society as a whole. (Conclude introduction by answering the question)
Great introduction! Really like your explanation of the texts. Answer the question at the end, and you're golden :)
The ramifications of technology and science can be detrimental as they dictate the state of humanity. Huxley’s Brave New World explores the impact of technology and science in controlling individuals thought and action. The Bokanovsky’s process of human cloning is a key aspect of Huxley’s World State. The repetition of “major instruments of social stability” connotes the significance of this scientific process as a means of controlling humanity to maintain a façade of social stability. The government’s usurpation of power and control over individuals dictate their experience of the surrounding illusive world. The high modality of “our suggestions. Suggestions from the State” implies the conditioning of individuals by which they become restricted to values that the government holds for them. Mond diminishes the importance of god as something that “used to be”, naturalising the notion that everyone is gods property but religion in the modern world is superfluous. Through the text, Huxley manipulates the concept of god to be incompatible with “machinery and scientific medicine” thus rendering its importance futile for social organisation. God becomes obsolete in Brave New World and instead is replaced through the motifs of “Ford”, demonstrating that even religion has been replaced by reverence for technology. Fordian knowledge is propagated through the locking away of sacred texts, depriving citizens of the truth, religion and art for the sake of happiness, reiterating the notion that “history is bunk”. Huxley uses the demarcation of individuality as a vehicle for exploring his fears and fascination of technology at the turn of the 20th century.
This is a really fantastic paragraph, with lots of brilliant analysis. The difficulty for me is that you're not specifically answering a question; this makes commenting tough. Your analysis is great, but I think that when answering an Essay question, you won't have time to go through as much analysis as you've included above. Make sure to create a brilliant thesis, and continuously refer back to it throughout each paragraph. Honestly, though, I don't have much to comment on; your analysis is great, your language is fantastic, etc. etc.
A society full of expectations can place restrictions on individuals to act a certain way. Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence explores the benefits of technology and science in fulfilling the desires of those in power. The film opens in a dark setting, symbolising power and control to illustrate the control technology has within society. Describe the opening more; assume the marker hasn't seen the movie. A 'dark setting' isn't enough; use your Creative Writing skills! The use of machine intelligence is an important aspect of society because of its potential to allow politicians to artificially recreate the substance lacking in society. Spielberg’s microcosmic world parallels Huxley’s literary trope of the World State where humans are conditioned and surrendered physically, emotionally and spiritually through the Bokanovsky’s process. Brilliant comparison. Keep this up, and try to do more comparisons like this! The human characterisation of the mecha robot contrasts with the World State in which conditioned humans are devoid of all feelings. The proximity of the protagonist mother with the robotic child asleep in the incubator parallels the hypnopaedia process of the World State. The restricted nature of the mecha robotic child is juxtaposed with his “real” brother. His actions become controlled by a superior being alluding to the incapacity of mechanised individuals to fully develop as normal human beings. (closing sentence according to Q) Don't just close referring to the question; refer to the question throughout the piece. Additionally, be careful not to spend too much time describing the plot of the text. Use the quote/scene, put it in context, and then analyse it. We don't need to have any sort of recount most of the time!
The concept of the truth can be dangerous as it has the ability to initiate thoughts about life and purpose. The repetition and italicisation of “Soma” emphasises its importance in the world state. If you're going to capitalise this, do it every time The government of Brave New World retains power by making its citizens so happy and superficially fulfilled through “Soma” drawing them away from questioning the truth about their personal freedom. I think you have a bit of problem when it comes to describing the plot, and bringing analysis together into a thesis. Rather than just analyse, tell you what's IMPORTANT about the analysis. Why do we care about the truth, or personal freedom? Why is this important? What does it say about society? Huxley’s world state becomes a replacement for “Christianity without tears”, connoting religion to be in adequate because humanity still experiences misery, war and poverty. In this phony world, the Savage desires truth and beauty, however Mond rejects the importance of truth substituting it with “universal happiness”, the utopian reference reinforces the illusory façade of the World State. The increased consumerism furthers the distraction from seeking the truth by provoking insights into government beliefs. Mond considers the paper he is reading to be “dangerous and potentially subversive” as he worries that purpose will make people think about God and question the truth. Huxley uses the ironic thought to portray the incompetence of the world state in its quest to successfully satisfy man’s greater questions and curiosities. The employment of formal language and parentheses of “mother and father (grotesque obscenity)” demonstrates the irrelevance of these terms in the World State. The world state draws on the abnormality of humanity by forcing sexual promiscuity to be a matter of obscenity, contrasting with the natural instinct of individuals. The manipulation of language becomes a vehicle through which the World State controls citizens in an attempt to prevent individuals from questioning the truth. (Link back to Q)
Look, obviously this is a band 6 essay (assuming you answer the question sufficiently) and so I don't have much to comment on. Potentially try to include some critical theory to REALLY impress the marker!
Questioning the truth can sometimes be perplexing. Artificial Intelligence explores the importance of emotions with the assistance of technology and science. Unlike Brave New World where parents are seen as a “grotesque obscenity”, Spielberg manipulates technology to become a platform for strengthening the importance of maternal relationships and their emotional associations. Technology holds the ability to create a mechanically engineered child who has immense feelings towards his mother. The facial expressions illustrated through the frontal camera angle portray the significance of having feelings within humanity. The use of the low camera angle creates empathy for the child as he does not know that he is a robot, reinforcing the ability of political regimes in manipulating the truth for individuals. He falls into believing he is a normal boy, contrasting with the conditioned humans in Brave New World. Although Spielberg enforces the importance of emotions in society, it becomes an artificial construct that is used to propagate the values of those in power. The absence of background noise and music creates a tense atmosphere as the dad starts to doubt the creation of the robotic kid. The father’s questioning serves as a didactic warning against diminishing individual thought in an attempt to abrogate social power. Spielberg’s notion of thought parallels the government in BNW doubting the purpose of conditioned children as a threat of initiating questions of purpose and truth. (Link back to Q)
Both composers draw on their perceptions of science and technology in allowing the government to take control of society and maintain power. The questioning of the truth however, is a result of the negative ramifications of science and technology. Huxley focuses on the benefits of technology by using it to condition humans and create a state full of individuals that have been shaped to behave a certain way. Spielberg similarly adopts technology and science to comment on the dangers of manipulating concepts that are beyond the control of individuals. Together both composers draw on the natural instincts of emotions and humanity to force the audience to question intentional intervention.
Here are my overall comments.
Brilliant essay. You'll get a band 6 if you keep this up!
Make sure to answer the question throughout your paragraph. Don't write this word-for-word, and then end with something about the question. Answer the question throughout the entire piece.
Don't just analyse a quote; explain WHY the quote is important to the human condition/to your theme.
Keep comparing texts in a more direct way than just Paragraph A, Paragraph B etc.
Keep it up! You've smashed this essay out of the park
Great introduction! Really like your explanation of the texts. Answer the question at the end, and you're golden :)
The ramifications of technology and science can be detrimental as they dictate the state of humanity. Huxley’s Brave New World explores the impact of technology and science in controlling individuals thought and action. The Bokanovsky’s process of human cloning is a key aspect of Huxley’s World State. The repetition of “major instruments of social stability” connotes the significance of this scientific process as a means of controlling humanity to maintain a façade of social stability. The government’s usurpation of power and control over individuals dictate their experience of the surrounding illusive world. The high modality of “our suggestions. Suggestions from the State” implies the conditioning of individuals by which they become restricted to values that the government holds for them. Mond diminishes the importance of god as something that “used to be”, naturalising the notion that everyone is gods property but religion in the modern world is superfluous. Through the text, Huxley manipulates the concept of god to be incompatible with “machinery and scientific medicine” thus rendering its importance futile for social organisation. God becomes obsolete in Brave New World and instead is replaced through the motifs of “Ford”, demonstrating that even religion has been replaced by reverence for technology. Fordian knowledge is propagated through the locking away of sacred texts, depriving citizens of the truth, religion and art for the sake of happiness, reiterating the notion that “history is bunk”. Huxley uses the demarcation of individuality as a vehicle for exploring his fears and fascination of technology at the turn of the 20th century.
This is a really fantastic paragraph, with lots of brilliant analysis. The difficulty for me is that you're not specifically answering a question; this makes commenting tough. Your analysis is great, but I think that when answering an Essay question, you won't have time to go through as much analysis as you've included above. Make sure to create a brilliant thesis, and continuously refer back to it throughout each paragraph. Honestly, though, I don't have much to comment on; your analysis is great, your language is fantastic, etc. etc.
A society full of expectations can place restrictions on individuals to act a certain way. Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence explores the benefits of technology and science in fulfilling the desires of those in power. The film opens in a dark setting, symbolising power and control to illustrate the control technology has within society. Describe the opening more; assume the marker hasn't seen the movie. A 'dark setting' isn't enough; use your Creative Writing skills! The use of machine intelligence is an important aspect of society because of its potential to allow politicians to artificially recreate the substance lacking in society. Spielberg’s microcosmic world parallels Huxley’s literary trope of the World State where humans are conditioned and surrendered physically, emotionally and spiritually through the Bokanovsky’s process. Brilliant comparison. Keep this up, and try to do more comparisons like this! The human characterisation of the mecha robot contrasts with the World State in which conditioned humans are devoid of all feelings. The proximity of the protagonist mother with the robotic child asleep in the incubator parallels the hypnopaedia process of the World State. The restricted nature of the mecha robotic child is juxtaposed with his “real” brother. His actions become controlled by a superior being alluding to the incapacity of mechanised individuals to fully develop as normal human beings. (closing sentence according to Q) Don't just close referring to the question; refer to the question throughout the piece. Additionally, be careful not to spend too much time describing the plot of the text. Use the quote/scene, put it in context, and then analyse it. We don't need to have any sort of recount most of the time!
The concept of the truth can be dangerous as it has the ability to initiate thoughts about life and purpose. The repetition and italicisation of “Soma” emphasises its importance in the world state. If you're going to capitalise this, do it every time The government of Brave New World retains power by making its citizens so happy and superficially fulfilled through “Soma” drawing them away from questioning the truth about their personal freedom. I think you have a bit of problem when it comes to describing the plot, and bringing analysis together into a thesis. Rather than just analyse, tell you what's IMPORTANT about the analysis. Why do we care about the truth, or personal freedom? Why is this important? What does it say about society? Huxley’s world state becomes a replacement for “Christianity without tears”, connoting religion to be in adequate because humanity still experiences misery, war and poverty. In this phony world, the Savage desires truth and beauty, however Mond rejects the importance of truth substituting it with “universal happiness”, the utopian reference reinforces the illusory façade of the World State. The increased consumerism furthers the distraction from seeking the truth by provoking insights into government beliefs. Mond considers the paper he is reading to be “dangerous and potentially subversive” as he worries that purpose will make people think about God and question the truth. Huxley uses the ironic thought to portray the incompetence of the world state in its quest to successfully satisfy man’s greater questions and curiosities. The employment of formal language and parentheses of “mother and father (grotesque obscenity)” demonstrates the irrelevance of these terms in the World State. The world state draws on the abnormality of humanity by forcing sexual promiscuity to be a matter of obscenity, contrasting with the natural instinct of individuals. The manipulation of language becomes a vehicle through which the World State controls citizens in an attempt to prevent individuals from questioning the truth. (Link back to Q)
Look, obviously this is a band 6 essay (assuming you answer the question sufficiently) and so I don't have much to comment on. Potentially try to include some critical theory to REALLY impress the marker!
Questioning the truth can sometimes be perplexing. Artificial Intelligence explores the importance of emotions with the assistance of technology and science. Unlike Brave New World where parents are seen as a “grotesque obscenity”, Spielberg manipulates technology to become a platform for strengthening the importance of maternal relationships and their emotional associations. Technology holds the ability to create a mechanically engineered child who has immense feelings towards his mother. The facial expressions illustrated through the frontal camera angle portray the significance of having feelings within humanity. The use of the low camera angle creates empathy for the child as he does not know that he is a robot, reinforcing the ability of political regimes in manipulating the truth for individuals. He falls into believing he is a normal boy, contrasting with the conditioned humans in Brave New World. Although Spielberg enforces the importance of emotions in society, it becomes an artificial construct that is used to propagate the values of those in power. The absence of background noise and music creates a tense atmosphere as the dad starts to doubt the creation of the robotic kid. The father’s questioning serves as a didactic warning against diminishing individual thought in an attempt to abrogate social power. Spielberg’s notion of thought parallels the government in BNW doubting the purpose of conditioned children as a threat of initiating questions of purpose and truth. (Link back to Q)
Both composers draw on their perceptions of science and technology in allowing the government to take control of society and maintain power. The questioning of the truth however, is a result of the negative ramifications of science and technology. Huxley focuses on the benefits of technology by using it to condition humans and create a state full of individuals that have been shaped to behave a certain way. Spielberg similarly adopts technology and science to comment on the dangers of manipulating concepts that are beyond the control of individuals. Together both composers draw on the natural instincts of emotions and humanity to force the audience to question intentional intervention.
Here are my overall comments.
Brilliant essay. You'll get a band 6 if you keep this up!
Make sure to answer the question throughout your paragraph. Don't write this word-for-word, and then end with something about the question. Answer the question throughout the entire piece.
Don't just analyse a quote; explain WHY the quote is important to the human condition/to your theme.
Keep comparing texts in a more direct way than just Paragraph A, Paragraph B etc.
Keep it up! You've smashed this essay out of the park
Post by: BPunjabi on October 07, 2016, 09:51:24 pm
This time this essay is for Module C. Could you guys also please supply a mark. If you guys need any help marking or giving analysis to already submitted essays, tell me and ill try my best :D
PS. Already submitted one aswell up there for module B, Thanks <3
The relationship between people and politics is complex and varied.
How is this represented in the texts you have studied?
Discuss with reference to your set text and ONE related text of your choosing.
The complex relationship between people and politics is commonly seen through a variation of texts which also relates to humans understanding the need for individuality and its importance in society. This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation. ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions for an organisation. Both texts highlight satirical techniques which shows the powerful and complex relationship between people and politics especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy.
Leaders who have influential powers in Politics, use ambiguous methods to achieve their ultimate goal of control. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which alludes that the book serves as a warning to the public of how the future may eventually turn out like. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights the death of culture like feeling as finding the Ford production line, producing sense that anyone could be replaced. It seems that in this novel, God has been transferred into a materialised item and often referred to “Ford” which was seen to be the first Ford cars which was mass produced during the 1900’s. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” which everyone chants. Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered 5 Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Irony to show the relationship between the Director and his staff as there is a subtle notion of corruption.
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?. ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir which is commonly used in this movie and distances the audience from the characters and their actions also giving depth and provides meaning of the powerful hold the government has had on the people of earth to change them into these ‘vegetable’ state people. The environment is seen controlled on a large scale but also with how animals are created as mere commodities. This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the migration to America. At the start of the movie , Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a superiority type feeling. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society.
Isolation can be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands can have ambiguous effects on people which easily differentiate people from leaders. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book including; being isolated from other people, isolation from society and self alienation which all ultimately lead characters to their downfall. One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time and Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed into the public by the fierce Director. The repetition of "Alone" conveys John using isolation as an advantage to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality paralleling to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics as he became more and more confined in his ideals. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental leaders in their mission to gain control and seduce a nation.
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government which suggests the idea that Scott felt in forty years time that the world would split into multiple factions with political figures, religious ministers and other leadership groups at the head (Interview with Harlan Kennedy). Isolation can be seen in sub character Sebastian as he is living in an complex being forced to build his own friends as a result of seclusion relating to the notions of Replicants symbolising the isolation and lonely state of the world. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts as their governments forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 10:47:10 pm
Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 07, 2016, 10:50:53 pm
Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding :)
Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances :)
I am so lucky.... 2 hours later If I posted my module...
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 11:19:27 pm
I am so lucky.... 2 hours later If I posted my module...
Just in time ;) you can still get more marked, 30 posts is still very achievable!! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 12:45:05 am
Hey Jamon/Mods!
Hoping to get this module A essay marked - originally this was an essay structured with 2 poems and 2 separate paragraphs on W;t but i've gone for an integrated approach with 3 main ideas as requested by my teacher, hoping for some feedback on it :)
I understand you guys probably didn't do these texts but any feedback is helpful, i've tried to separate my theses as best i can but am still not feeling abundantly confident.
Good luck with all your marking guys, and thanks once again ;D ;D
Hey Essej! Thanks for posting, good on you for having a crack at an integrated response! I've attached your essay with comments throughout in bold ;D
Spoiler
Analyse how the central values portrayed in Donne’s poetry are creatively reshaped in W;t.
Perennial notions pertaining to personal fulfilment through spiritual or emotional connections are ideals which allow texts to transcend contextual barriers. Good introduction, though perhaps the tiniest bit vague; exactly what about these makes them transcend? It's because they appeal to universal audiences, every responder experiences these connection. Perhaps link the audience in a little more for clarity. In John Donne’s 17th Century metaphysical poetry, the composer explores timeless concerns of salvation from a subversive religious standpoint. Good. Donne argues that through humanistic experiences and spiritual rationalisation, one may transcend the physical dimension and achieve a state of introspective resolution. Margaret Edson's postmodern play W;t (1995) inventively remodels these timeless human concerns to reflect a secular milieu wherein academic obsession adversely impacts upon one’s capacity to confront mortality. Fantastic, brief and powerful summaries of the conceptual basis of each text. It is posed by Edson that in such a paradigm, suffering and meaningful emotional connections are paramount to service the individual passion for ascension present across both secular and religious contexts. Good introduction, but I'm not getting enough of the comparative element as of yet. You allude to it in "remodels these timeless human concerns...", but I'm looking for more. Perhaps a conclusive sentence that links the two texts together, and recognises that examining them together grants us increased understanding?
The ability of academia to provide existential relief, evidenced by Donne’s subversion of religious authority, is challenged by Edson in a secular paradigm wherein scholarly obsession prevents human connection and fulfilment. I love how you immediately play the two against each other conceptually; this is brilliant. In W;t, the academic elitist Vivian Bearing is satirically depicted by Edson in a sterile clinical setting to epitomise the inability of research to offer insight into death and the hereafter. Any techniques that help achieve this? The perennial anxiety surrounding death and salvation is present through the medical industry’s search for a ‘cure for cancer’, driving them to conduct research on individuals such as the scholarly ovarian cancer patient. Careful not to rely on plot details in your analysis. Edson poses a commentary upon the status-driven nature of knowledge in such a secular paradigm wherein Vivian explains in an arrogant tone “After twenty years, I can say with confidence, no one is quite as good as I”. Remember never to assign techniques to your character; they are a puppet. Assign them to the composer, they are the hard work! However, by enamouring herself with knowledge, the protagonist is left ill-equipped to face her own mortality. Retell. Edson’s incorporation of ellipsis within Vivian’s existential questioning “I’m in a… quandary, having these...doubts” reveals her remorse at her academic obsession whilst also serving as a condemnation of the apathetic medical industry. What does this show the audience? Remember to tie in our interpretations, what the composer wants to communicate. Adversely, within Donne’s sonnet “Death be Not Proud” the poet utilises religious research gained as a priest of St. Paul’s Cathedral to successfully challenge the contextual authority of death. Good contextual tie in. Donne’s demeaning employment of metaphysical conceit in “One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally” employs the discernment of biblical teachings prevalent in his Counter-Reformation context to argue that death is merely a passage to the afterlife and thus should not be feared. Perfection. Clearly, diverging contexts reveal different interpretations of the capacity of knowledge to offer one existential relief. A definite solid paragraph, conceptually it is brilliant. I'm looking for more analysis; more techniques to really show your textual knowledge.
Universally applicable to both texts is the significance of human relationships in providing enrichment to individuals and thereby in facilitating an effective confrontation of one’s mortality. Fantastic conceptual statement. Donne’s romantic monologue “A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning” explores the ability of sacrosanct platonic relationships to allow one to transcend physical and contextual boundaries. The central compass conceit in which “The fix’d foot” of his lover is eternally linked to himself “As stiff twin compasses are two” incorporates a circular motif to reference the prevalent Renaissance symbol of perfect unity. Fabulous. Through this, the poet poses a commentary upon the ability of emotional connection to surpass the barrier of death; as evidenced by the euphemistic simile “as virtuous men pass mildly away”. Excellent. It is here that Donne manifests religious values pertaining to eternal life to argue the necessity of human connection in the individual experience of a complete life. In contrast to the empathetic approach evident in Donne’s poetry, Edson presents an emotionless academic perspective on the anxious search for salvation in a secular paradigm. Excellent transition. The composer’s inclusion of alienating devices such as the breaking down of the fourth wall in “It is not my intention to give away the plot, but I think i die at the end” evoke a sense of detachment within the audience as Vivian metaphorically likens herself to a “specimen jar”. Again, Donne metaphorically likens Vivian. This references the dehumanised nature of contemporary institutionalisation wherein the harsh nature of medical treatment and the absence of ‘bedside manner’, which is likened to a ‘colossal waste of time’ by Jason, prevents comfort in the face of death. Excellent. Edson’s direct intertextual reference to the poem wherein Vivian in a pedantic tone elucidates “A breach, but an ex-pan-see-on” furthers the satire of apathetic contemporary academia through a dismissal of Donne’s theme of enduring love. Further, it serves as a turning point wherein Bearing epiphanically accepts that “Now is not the time for verbal swordplay” as she instead longs for the humanistic experiences of Donne. Slightly retell here. Thus, it is reinforced that a lack of emotional connection inhibits the achievement of contentment in the face of mortality. A much better paragraph analytically, more techniques has increased your sophistication. Absolutely fantastic.
The spiritual pilgrimage to service one’s passion for redemption is furthered by reconciliation facilitated by religious milieus, however requires suffering and humanistic experiences in a secular paradigm. Awesome. Vivian’s shifting psyche whereby she discovers the need for emotional connection to attain liberation in a contemporary context is hindered by her concern with self-effacement and dignity in death. Retell. Thus, Edson employs a satirical intertextual reference to Donne’s sonnet “My Play’s Last Scene” in “my pilgrimages last mile...I have broken the record...but I flatter myself…” as the protagonist seeks repentance, illustrating her ineptitude in reaching personal fulfilment due to a lack of human connection. What is the ultimate commentary here? The final message to the composer? Remember to re-emphasise this regularly. Akin to this, Donne’s poem explores the religious search for reconciliation to achieve salvation through pleading with God for forgiveness in death pursuant to his religious context. The poet’s abandonment of earlier love poetry owing to his spiritual crisis wherein he transitions from Catholicism to Anglicanism is exemplified in Donne’s fearful personification “gluttonous death will instantly unjoin my body and soul”. Excellent personal context link. The implicated notion that reflection upon one’s spiritual journey is essential in achieving salvation is furthered by the persona’s fear of unworthiness to ascend to heaven in the volta break “As my soul to heaven...takes flight” where an acknowledgement of death’s inevitability with the spiritual comfort of immortality orchestrates the persona’s release from sin. Edson skilfully adapts such notions in a secular milieu through posing that “infernal tests” are necessary in achieving salvation due to a lack of perceived emotional connection; with the playwright incorporating black humour in the protagonists reflection “It would be a relief to be a cheerleader”. Excellent analysis. Vivian’s anagnorisis of her academic obsession is aided by Susie through the symbolism of the popsicle whereby the protagonist undergoes shared emotional experiences, which ultimately allow her to shed the academia of Donne’s metaphysical poetry for the emotion of Shakespeare; as evidenced by the intertextual reference “And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest”. Thus, the final scene of the play elucidates how experiences of humanist spirituality allow for liberation in a secular paradigm through a religious allusion in the stage directions “The instant she is naked and beautiful, reaching for the light - Lights out”. It is evident that through humanist spirituality and experiences of suffering, Edson adapts the religious values of Donne’s Renaissance poetry to suit a secular milieu. Excellent paragraph! Virtually no commentary from me, be sure to accentuate the main ideas that the composer wants to communicate to their audience!
In summary, the importance of emotional connection in allowing individuals the capacity to achieve salvation and comfort in death is one immortalised across both the Counter-Reformation context of Donne and the postmodern secular milieu of Margaret Edson’s “W;t”. I'm a fan of saying it's portrayed in texts universally, and THEN bringing in your two texts as examples. A little more conceptual. Whereas in Donne’s poetry however, religious research and subversion of contextual authorities served as a form of liberation, Edson poses that a lack of spiritual and emotional connection through academic obsession inhibits personal fulfilment. A little expression issue at the beginning there. Ultimately, Edson reshapes ideals surrounding reconciliation as a catalyst for redemption through the notion that humanist spirituality and suffering are essential components in reaching ascension. Fantastic conclusion.
Perennial notions pertaining to personal fulfilment through spiritual or emotional connections are ideals which allow texts to transcend contextual barriers. Good introduction, though perhaps the tiniest bit vague; exactly what about these makes them transcend? It's because they appeal to universal audiences, every responder experiences these connection. Perhaps link the audience in a little more for clarity. In John Donne’s 17th Century metaphysical poetry, the composer explores timeless concerns of salvation from a subversive religious standpoint. Good. Donne argues that through humanistic experiences and spiritual rationalisation, one may transcend the physical dimension and achieve a state of introspective resolution. Margaret Edson's postmodern play W;t (1995) inventively remodels these timeless human concerns to reflect a secular milieu wherein academic obsession adversely impacts upon one’s capacity to confront mortality. Fantastic, brief and powerful summaries of the conceptual basis of each text. It is posed by Edson that in such a paradigm, suffering and meaningful emotional connections are paramount to service the individual passion for ascension present across both secular and religious contexts. Good introduction, but I'm not getting enough of the comparative element as of yet. You allude to it in "remodels these timeless human concerns...", but I'm looking for more. Perhaps a conclusive sentence that links the two texts together, and recognises that examining them together grants us increased understanding?
The ability of academia to provide existential relief, evidenced by Donne’s subversion of religious authority, is challenged by Edson in a secular paradigm wherein scholarly obsession prevents human connection and fulfilment. I love how you immediately play the two against each other conceptually; this is brilliant. In W;t, the academic elitist Vivian Bearing is satirically depicted by Edson in a sterile clinical setting to epitomise the inability of research to offer insight into death and the hereafter. Any techniques that help achieve this? The perennial anxiety surrounding death and salvation is present through the medical industry’s search for a ‘cure for cancer’, driving them to conduct research on individuals such as the scholarly ovarian cancer patient. Careful not to rely on plot details in your analysis. Edson poses a commentary upon the status-driven nature of knowledge in such a secular paradigm wherein Vivian explains in an arrogant tone “After twenty years, I can say with confidence, no one is quite as good as I”. Remember never to assign techniques to your character; they are a puppet. Assign them to the composer, they are the hard work! However, by enamouring herself with knowledge, the protagonist is left ill-equipped to face her own mortality. Retell. Edson’s incorporation of ellipsis within Vivian’s existential questioning “I’m in a… quandary, having these...doubts” reveals her remorse at her academic obsession whilst also serving as a condemnation of the apathetic medical industry. What does this show the audience? Remember to tie in our interpretations, what the composer wants to communicate. Adversely, within Donne’s sonnet “Death be Not Proud” the poet utilises religious research gained as a priest of St. Paul’s Cathedral to successfully challenge the contextual authority of death. Good contextual tie in. Donne’s demeaning employment of metaphysical conceit in “One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally” employs the discernment of biblical teachings prevalent in his Counter-Reformation context to argue that death is merely a passage to the afterlife and thus should not be feared. Perfection. Clearly, diverging contexts reveal different interpretations of the capacity of knowledge to offer one existential relief. A definite solid paragraph, conceptually it is brilliant. I'm looking for more analysis; more techniques to really show your textual knowledge.
Universally applicable to both texts is the significance of human relationships in providing enrichment to individuals and thereby in facilitating an effective confrontation of one’s mortality. Fantastic conceptual statement. Donne’s romantic monologue “A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning” explores the ability of sacrosanct platonic relationships to allow one to transcend physical and contextual boundaries. The central compass conceit in which “The fix’d foot” of his lover is eternally linked to himself “As stiff twin compasses are two” incorporates a circular motif to reference the prevalent Renaissance symbol of perfect unity. Fabulous. Through this, the poet poses a commentary upon the ability of emotional connection to surpass the barrier of death; as evidenced by the euphemistic simile “as virtuous men pass mildly away”. Excellent. It is here that Donne manifests religious values pertaining to eternal life to argue the necessity of human connection in the individual experience of a complete life. In contrast to the empathetic approach evident in Donne’s poetry, Edson presents an emotionless academic perspective on the anxious search for salvation in a secular paradigm. Excellent transition. The composer’s inclusion of alienating devices such as the breaking down of the fourth wall in “It is not my intention to give away the plot, but I think i die at the end” evoke a sense of detachment within the audience as Vivian metaphorically likens herself to a “specimen jar”. Again, Donne metaphorically likens Vivian. This references the dehumanised nature of contemporary institutionalisation wherein the harsh nature of medical treatment and the absence of ‘bedside manner’, which is likened to a ‘colossal waste of time’ by Jason, prevents comfort in the face of death. Excellent. Edson’s direct intertextual reference to the poem wherein Vivian in a pedantic tone elucidates “A breach, but an ex-pan-see-on” furthers the satire of apathetic contemporary academia through a dismissal of Donne’s theme of enduring love. Further, it serves as a turning point wherein Bearing epiphanically accepts that “Now is not the time for verbal swordplay” as she instead longs for the humanistic experiences of Donne. Slightly retell here. Thus, it is reinforced that a lack of emotional connection inhibits the achievement of contentment in the face of mortality. A much better paragraph analytically, more techniques has increased your sophistication. Absolutely fantastic.
The spiritual pilgrimage to service one’s passion for redemption is furthered by reconciliation facilitated by religious milieus, however requires suffering and humanistic experiences in a secular paradigm. Awesome. Vivian’s shifting psyche whereby she discovers the need for emotional connection to attain liberation in a contemporary context is hindered by her concern with self-effacement and dignity in death. Retell. Thus, Edson employs a satirical intertextual reference to Donne’s sonnet “My Play’s Last Scene” in “my pilgrimages last mile...I have broken the record...but I flatter myself…” as the protagonist seeks repentance, illustrating her ineptitude in reaching personal fulfilment due to a lack of human connection. What is the ultimate commentary here? The final message to the composer? Remember to re-emphasise this regularly. Akin to this, Donne’s poem explores the religious search for reconciliation to achieve salvation through pleading with God for forgiveness in death pursuant to his religious context. The poet’s abandonment of earlier love poetry owing to his spiritual crisis wherein he transitions from Catholicism to Anglicanism is exemplified in Donne’s fearful personification “gluttonous death will instantly unjoin my body and soul”. Excellent personal context link. The implicated notion that reflection upon one’s spiritual journey is essential in achieving salvation is furthered by the persona’s fear of unworthiness to ascend to heaven in the volta break “As my soul to heaven...takes flight” where an acknowledgement of death’s inevitability with the spiritual comfort of immortality orchestrates the persona’s release from sin. Edson skilfully adapts such notions in a secular milieu through posing that “infernal tests” are necessary in achieving salvation due to a lack of perceived emotional connection; with the playwright incorporating black humour in the protagonists reflection “It would be a relief to be a cheerleader”. Excellent analysis. Vivian’s anagnorisis of her academic obsession is aided by Susie through the symbolism of the popsicle whereby the protagonist undergoes shared emotional experiences, which ultimately allow her to shed the academia of Donne’s metaphysical poetry for the emotion of Shakespeare; as evidenced by the intertextual reference “And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest”. Thus, the final scene of the play elucidates how experiences of humanist spirituality allow for liberation in a secular paradigm through a religious allusion in the stage directions “The instant she is naked and beautiful, reaching for the light - Lights out”. It is evident that through humanist spirituality and experiences of suffering, Edson adapts the religious values of Donne’s Renaissance poetry to suit a secular milieu. Excellent paragraph! Virtually no commentary from me, be sure to accentuate the main ideas that the composer wants to communicate to their audience!
In summary, the importance of emotional connection in allowing individuals the capacity to achieve salvation and comfort in death is one immortalised across both the Counter-Reformation context of Donne and the postmodern secular milieu of Margaret Edson’s “W;t”. I'm a fan of saying it's portrayed in texts universally, and THEN bringing in your two texts as examples. A little more conceptual. Whereas in Donne’s poetry however, religious research and subversion of contextual authorities served as a form of liberation, Edson poses that a lack of spiritual and emotional connection through academic obsession inhibits personal fulfilment. A little expression issue at the beginning there. Ultimately, Edson reshapes ideals surrounding reconciliation as a catalyst for redemption through the notion that humanist spirituality and suffering are essential components in reaching ascension. Fantastic conclusion.
Pfft, you're a natural Essej, this is a brilliant essay! Conceptually masterful, and answers the question expertly. Fantastic analysis, more-so in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs, but on the whole still to an extremely high standard. Ideas are expressed clearly as well! You do have a very sophisticated vocabulary; be careful that powerful word choices don't impact on the clarity of your response. Sometimes, simple is powerful ;D
The only other comment I'd make is to ensure that you are linking back to the big picture often. What is the composer trying to say? Why (given their context) are they trying to say it? These more 'big picture' audience links were something I'd like to see more of in your essay.
Besides this, my comments throughout will identify isolated issues. However, an extremely well written response Essej, you should be really confident using it in the exam! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 01:16:23 am
Hello,
I'm not sure how many posts I need (but I feel like I'm OK)...So here's my Mod B generic essay (I'm confident my opening and closing sentences will change in the actual exam to answer the question more strongly), but any advice would be appreciated :)
Hey birdwing! Thanks for posting!! I've attached your essay with comments throughout:
Spoiler
A critical study of meaningful films delivers profound insights into prevalent issues of society, engaging audiences to reflect on the human condition. Fabulous! But I'd like you to elaborate on 'human condition,' it's a very broad term. Orson Welles’ 1941 film “Citizen Kane” is one such example of a film whose exploration of timeless thematic concerns ensures its continued relevance. Welles’ examination of the futility of materialist pursuits, corruptive impacts of a pursuit of power and the complex nature of identity, is elucidated by his innovative synthesis of cinematic construction and technical flair. Absolutely fabulous/b]. Thus Citizen Kane’s powerful exploration of thematic ideals resonates with responders, ensuring its position in cinematic history. This is a perfect example of how simple can be powerful. This is close to faultless, elaborate a bit on your conceptual basis and you are set!
“Citizen Kane” delivers a stark warning to responders against attempting to attain emotional security by materialist pursuits through the character of Kane. Excellent audience recognition there. In recognising Kane’s primary motivation of love, encapsulated in his childhood friend Jed Leland’s reflection, ‘Love. That’s why he did everything’, Welles’ depiction of Kane’s loveless childhood divulges the emotional insecurity behind his materialist ambitions. In the ‘signing-away scene’, Welles utilises ground-breaking deep-focus photography to allow the audience to equally observe Kane’s mother signing him over to a bank and Kane playing in the background, framed by the rigid structure of a window, symbolising his helplessness and foreshadowing his later entrapment by capitalist values. Perhaps a little too much scene description there, try and condense it a little bit! Welles use of circular filmic structure parallels the signing away of Kane with that of his newspaper later in the film, again using deep focus cinematography to frame his banker, Thatcher, and friend, Bernstein, in the foreground against Kane in the background, confined by giant windows, to delineate his transformation to become entrapped by consumerist tendencies. Remember that you don't have to describe what is happening in the film unless it directly furthers your discussion; you can purely focus on the technique and the effect! Yet his ensuing lamentation, ‘If I hadn’t been very rich I might have been a great man’ reflects his resentment towards the wealth which defined him and denied him love and delivers a powerful warning of the futility of satiating emotional desires with materialist pursuits. Technique? Furthermore, after his second wife Susan leaves him, Kane rampages through her room destroying her belongings, which symbolise his materialistic attempts to create a genuine relationship, and is stopped only by the snow-globe, representative of the purity of Kane’s childhood and his desire for a love. Retell, don't use plot elements as mechanisms for concepts! You must be using techniques. As a final statement, Welles uses an innovative high-angle pan to show the vast number of Kane’s belongings, only for them to be denigrated in journalist Thompson’s comment ‘[It’s worth] millions if anyone wants it’, clearly espousing the futility of searching for emotional fulfilment in materialist pursuits. Thus Citizen Kane cleverly engages responders with its insights into the complex interaction between emotional security and wealth, demonstrating… An excellent paragraph! I'd like less focus on the plot and the film specifics, and just focus more on the techniques. This should streamline your analysis a little!
Welles recognises the inherent desire of humanity to receive power and recognition, and portrays its ramifications in causing the loss of morality through the example of Kane. Excellent. Kane’s initial moral fortitude is revealed in his “Declaration of Principles”, recalled in a flashback by his friend Bernstein, where he asserts “I will provide the people with a champion of their rights”. Retell. Whilst his white shirt symbolises his pure ethical motives, Welles undermines his initial idealism by the chiaroscuro lighting which enshrouds him in darkness to foreshadow his later corruption, portrayed in his election campaign. Drawing attention to the film’s cinematic innovations, Welles’ utilises a low angle sweeping camera-shot of a large portrait of Kane overshadowing his own figure, representing his egotistical self-view and drawing a direct comparison between Kane and despotic immoral dictators such as Hitler, to reveal the moral cost of his pursuit of power. Excellent analysis there. After Kane loses the election, Leland, who acts as his moral foil, assesses his moral trajectory in a dismissive tone “you said you were a man of the people”, objectively delineating his moral transformation. Retell, very text focused, ask yourself always; Does this analysis matter at all outside the text? If it doesn't it needs to be extended. The pioneering worms-eye camera angle depicts both men as equally giant, symbolising the conflict between power and morality, and detritus of rubbish strewn across the room, demonstrating the tainting of Kane’s moral compass arisen from his pursuit of power. Kane’s moral decline is symbolically made complete when he tears the Principles to pieces, after receiving them from the recently fired Leland. Retell. The lack of a personal relationship between the men coupled with Kane’s flippant tone when he calls them an “antique”, suggests Kane’s nonchalance towards moral virtue and serves to cement his moral degradation arisen from the pursuit of power. I know it's difficult, but remember never to assign techniques to Kane, credit for even things like tone must go to Welles as the composer. Kane is a puppet! By paralleling the breakdown in Kane’s relationship with Leland with his loss of moral integrity, Welles cleverly enhances the audience’s understanding of the oppositional relationship between power and morality.
Citizen Kane positions the audience to observe the inherent complexity of identity, serving to emphasise the inability of the human condition to be categorised within a singular definitive identity. Good! The prominence of Kane’s enigmatic last word ‘Rosebud’, which propels the film-long search for answers by journalist Thompson, alludes to the notion that perhaps Kane’s life could be construed from a single word. What is the audience view of this notion? Yet the recollections of characters interviewed by Thompson are revealed in non-linear flashbacks, creating a fragmented narrative structure and offering conflicting perspectives on Kane’s character, denying the audience an objective truth on his identity. What is the thematic conclusion? What do we learn conceptually, not just about Kane? Furthermore, Welles artfully portrays Kane’s complex character in mis-en-abyme in his last appearance in the film, where the prismatic mirror reflections of Kane as he leaves Susan’s room symbolically remind responders of the numerous aspects of his identity and the inability to ascribe to an individual a singular conclusive identity. Welles espouses this conclusion in Thompson’s confession, ‘No, I think Rosebud is just a piece in a jigsaw puzzle, a missing piece’. The motif of jigsaw puzzles,which are never completed by Susan, become emblematic of the primary motif of fragmentation, inviting comparison with an understanding of Kane’s life, which remains similarly fractured. The strikethrough text are the text focused bits, the rest work really well, what does the audience learn? Welles poignant exploration of timeless thematic concerns is enhanced by his avant-garde use of Thompson as a cipher for responders, utilising subjective over-the-shoulder shots to allow deeper audience engagement and participation. Good! As a result, his bookending of the film with the “No Trespassing” sign, directly addresses the audience and serves as a final reminder to responders that although they have seen much of Kane’s life, true understanding has eluded them. Again, what is the conceptual implication? Therefore, Welles’ cohesive cinematic examination of the notion of identity elucidates its complexity and the difficulty in categorising an individual according to a finite truth, allowing responders to observe…[Answer the question].
Thus an examination of “Citizen Kane” offers insights into the dangers of satiating emotional desires with materialist pursuits, the inherent corruption of morality arisen from the pursuit of power and the complexity of identity. I'd like you to link all of these together under a single umbrella, either before or after this sentence.Welles’ evocative exploration of transcendental thematic concerns is matched in quality only by his technical prowess, creating a textual integrity that ensures its place as a cinematic masterpiece to this day – rewrite on the day Yep, you're all over it!
“Citizen Kane” delivers a stark warning to responders against attempting to attain emotional security by materialist pursuits through the character of Kane. Excellent audience recognition there. In recognising Kane’s primary motivation of love, encapsulated in his childhood friend Jed Leland’s reflection, ‘Love. That’s why he did everything’, Welles’ depiction of Kane’s loveless childhood divulges the emotional insecurity behind his materialist ambitions. In the ‘signing-away scene’, Welles utilises ground-breaking deep-focus photography to allow the audience to equally observe Kane’s mother signing him over to a bank and Kane playing in the background, framed by the rigid structure of a window, symbolising his helplessness and foreshadowing his later entrapment by capitalist values. Perhaps a little too much scene description there, try and condense it a little bit! Welles use of circular filmic structure parallels the signing away of Kane with that of his newspaper later in the film, again using deep focus cinematography to frame his banker, Thatcher, and friend, Bernstein, in the foreground against Kane in the background, confined by giant windows, to delineate his transformation to become entrapped by consumerist tendencies. Remember that you don't have to describe what is happening in the film unless it directly furthers your discussion; you can purely focus on the technique and the effect! Yet his ensuing lamentation, ‘If I hadn’t been very rich I might have been a great man’ reflects his resentment towards the wealth which defined him and denied him love and delivers a powerful warning of the futility of satiating emotional desires with materialist pursuits. Technique? Furthermore, after his second wife Susan leaves him, Kane rampages through her room destroying her belongings, which symbolise his materialistic attempts to create a genuine relationship, and is stopped only by the snow-globe, representative of the purity of Kane’s childhood and his desire for a love. Retell, don't use plot elements as mechanisms for concepts! You must be using techniques. As a final statement, Welles uses an innovative high-angle pan to show the vast number of Kane’s belongings, only for them to be denigrated in journalist Thompson’s comment ‘[It’s worth] millions if anyone wants it’, clearly espousing the futility of searching for emotional fulfilment in materialist pursuits. Thus Citizen Kane cleverly engages responders with its insights into the complex interaction between emotional security and wealth, demonstrating… An excellent paragraph! I'd like less focus on the plot and the film specifics, and just focus more on the techniques. This should streamline your analysis a little!
Welles recognises the inherent desire of humanity to receive power and recognition, and portrays its ramifications in causing the loss of morality through the example of Kane. Excellent. Kane’s initial moral fortitude is revealed in his “Declaration of Principles”, recalled in a flashback by his friend Bernstein, where he asserts “I will provide the people with a champion of their rights”. Retell. Whilst his white shirt symbolises his pure ethical motives, Welles undermines his initial idealism by the chiaroscuro lighting which enshrouds him in darkness to foreshadow his later corruption, portrayed in his election campaign. Drawing attention to the film’s cinematic innovations, Welles’ utilises a low angle sweeping camera-shot of a large portrait of Kane overshadowing his own figure, representing his egotistical self-view and drawing a direct comparison between Kane and despotic immoral dictators such as Hitler, to reveal the moral cost of his pursuit of power. Excellent analysis there. After Kane loses the election, Leland, who acts as his moral foil, assesses his moral trajectory in a dismissive tone “you said you were a man of the people”, objectively delineating his moral transformation. Retell, very text focused, ask yourself always; Does this analysis matter at all outside the text? If it doesn't it needs to be extended. The pioneering worms-eye camera angle depicts both men as equally giant, symbolising the conflict between power and morality, and detritus of rubbish strewn across the room, demonstrating the tainting of Kane’s moral compass arisen from his pursuit of power. Kane’s moral decline is symbolically made complete when he tears the Principles to pieces, after receiving them from the recently fired Leland. Retell. The lack of a personal relationship between the men coupled with Kane’s flippant tone when he calls them an “antique”, suggests Kane’s nonchalance towards moral virtue and serves to cement his moral degradation arisen from the pursuit of power. I know it's difficult, but remember never to assign techniques to Kane, credit for even things like tone must go to Welles as the composer. Kane is a puppet! By paralleling the breakdown in Kane’s relationship with Leland with his loss of moral integrity, Welles cleverly enhances the audience’s understanding of the oppositional relationship between power and morality.
Citizen Kane positions the audience to observe the inherent complexity of identity, serving to emphasise the inability of the human condition to be categorised within a singular definitive identity. Good! The prominence of Kane’s enigmatic last word ‘Rosebud’, which propels the film-long search for answers by journalist Thompson, alludes to the notion that perhaps Kane’s life could be construed from a single word. What is the audience view of this notion? Yet the recollections of characters interviewed by Thompson are revealed in non-linear flashbacks, creating a fragmented narrative structure and offering conflicting perspectives on Kane’s character, denying the audience an objective truth on his identity. What is the thematic conclusion? What do we learn conceptually, not just about Kane? Furthermore, Welles artfully portrays Kane’s complex character in mis-en-abyme in his last appearance in the film, where the prismatic mirror reflections of Kane as he leaves Susan’s room symbolically remind responders of the numerous aspects of his identity and the inability to ascribe to an individual a singular conclusive identity. Welles espouses this conclusion in Thompson’s confession, ‘No, I think Rosebud is just a piece in a jigsaw puzzle, a missing piece’. The motif of jigsaw puzzles,
Thus an examination of “Citizen Kane” offers insights into the dangers of satiating emotional desires with materialist pursuits, the inherent corruption of morality arisen from the pursuit of power and the complexity of identity. I'd like you to link all of these together under a single umbrella, either before or after this sentence.Welles’ evocative exploration of transcendental thematic concerns is matched in quality only by his technical prowess, creating a textual integrity that ensures its place as a cinematic masterpiece to this day – rewrite on the day Yep, you're all over it!
This is a fantastic essay birdwing! A very clear and direct style of expression (similar to my own), which works extremely well for you. Addresses the module excellently, and I picture it working for a variety of questions, bonus! Excellent conceptual ideas to boot and a distinct structure that works excellently. This is an excellent response for these reasons and more! :)
My main piece of feedback would be in being a tad too text specific. Several areas of retell, and several areas where you've analysed the text, but not considered the wider implications. Yes, I learn new things about Kane, but what is the wider effect of that? What do I learn about the human condition (for example) in general? Making these wider connections, while simultaneously removing some of the unnecessary plot/text details, will only serve to increase the quality of your response further :)
In short, an excellent response birdwing! You should be very confident heading into exams ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 01:54:00 am
Hi! may I get my Mod A essay marked (theres no conclusion and i've written an extra paragraph but will only be using 3 in the hsc). Also need help with writing more captivating topic sentences! Thankyou
Hey vyca! Thanks for posting your essay! I'll see if I can give you some feedback and give you a hand with your topic sentences! It is attached below with comments throughout in bold:
Spoiler
Shakespeare and Pacino both present texts that are artistic products of their time. I'd normally like to see something conceptual to start you off, but this works well! Shakespeare’s play was provisioned by Elizabethan censorship, and thus was engineered to flatter the ruling monarch. Therefore Shakespeare depicts an evil and megalomaniacal protagonist and his engagement with a world bound by religion and morals. It is dually a political statement and exploration of aspects of the human construct such as power, evil and duplicity. These are the concepts I'd like to see you introduce earlier as a way to link the texts together more naturally. Pacino’s post-modern docudrama liases with a contemporary world that has undergone a paradigmatic shift. Taking his context into grave consideration, he has illuminated upon and reshaped the universal values present in the parent text to create a platform for an enriched understanding and to “communicate a shakespeare about how we feel and think today”. Fantastic! Despite the variance of contextual circumstances, the texts are connected through their exploration of what it is to be human. See, that last sentence feels like it would be better at the start so that this is obvious right from the get go. Then you could finish with something more conceptual!
Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain.” It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’. What does it show us more generally about power?The pun propounds the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or free will. Good contextual link! The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. Excellent conceptual link! Try to draw it OUT of the text a little more, what do we learn about power that is relevant outside these characters? The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and justifying the Tudor reign. Again, excellent contextual link. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with revised ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. What is the significance of this (a juxtaposition of contexts?) Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and free will, replacing it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation, and control is visually and immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order. You are considering the context change very nicely. For this despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Perfect. Both composers have effectively promulgated the notion of power to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences. Excellent response, I'd like a little more consideration of audience impact, and a little more comparison too, but this works well!
Shakespeare and Pacino convey Richard’s evil as an aspect of the human condition. Try to keep these first sentences as general as possible! Shakespeare crafts Richard’s physical appearance to be “deformed” “unfinished” and “rudely stamped”. Shakespeare plays with disparaging language and copiousness to amplify Richard’s deformity to form the conditions of a religious paradigm for his audience to diagnose Richard as metaphysically evil, corrupted and less than human. What does this show about evil as part of the human condition? Shakespeare has effectively concocted a malignant identity for his audience to warrant Richard’s demise and endorse the royal prerogative of the Tudor house. Richard embodies the distinctive evil nature of the “Vice” which as him amply referred to as “hedgehog” “foul swine” “toad” and eventually, “bloody demon” and “cacodemon”. The progression from lesser beasts to diabolic terms emulates the progression of Richard’s corruption by evil that he ceases to be truly human, thus being a depiction on being human in a world dominated by steadfast morals. See how you've extended this to being a more generally relevant idea? That's what I'm looking for. The stigmas that characterised a physical malformation have long been buried. Thus, to enrich a contemporary audience’s understanding, Kimball gives an explanation “Shakespeare has exaggerated his deformity in order to embody forth dramatically, visually and metaphorically the corruption of his mind”. Pacino lessens the prominence of the deformity and appropriates Richard’s evil through costuming him ominously in all black and holding a riding crop. These symbols are visual stimuli that plainly explicate villainy and autocratic power to a modern audience. Excellent conceptual link to audience. Again, considering the difference in form very nicely. Accessing a world of moral ambiguity, Pacino orients towards the modern fascination with psychology. Kimball notes “he knows that he does not have his humanity”, so devoid that he is “alienated from his own body and own self”, thus pinning Richard’s self-corruption and psychological fragmentation for his evil. Technique? This especially manifests in the final battle scene at Bosworth, filtered in red as a synecdoche for the blood spilt by Richard who is on his knees and abandoned. His body language and low angle the he is filmed at creates a sense of vulnerability and loss of power. Thus showing the audience _____? Pacino creates a pathetic, damaged and fragmented figure of Richard, enhanced by the quick cross-cuts, eliciting sympathy from the modern audience and provoking the thought of what it is to be human. Fantastic conclusive sentence to a strong paragraph! Again, just considering things a little more broadly (including the audience's understanding) will benefit your response!
Providentialism was the religious paradigm of Shakespeare’s time and is firmly ingrained in his writing, whilst it’s absence in Pacino’s contemporary world imposes a reorientation. Fabulous comparison. The spiritual order of Shakespeare’s theocentric world is disturbed in the antithetical pairing of “winter of our discontent” and “glorious summer”. The prophetic metaphor foretells the chaos and havoc to ensue as a result of Richard’s subversion of God’s plan. What does it show the audience, not just about Richard, but in general about the theme? Shakespeare has Queen Margaret operate as the voice of providence who forewarns of the dire consequences for the suspension of moral and religious boundaries, “that none of you may live your natural age”. Retell. Thus, true to a morality play, Shakespeare extends moral messages to his audience. Hence, it is unsurprising that Richard “fall(s) into the rotten mouth of death”, a metaphor for his surrender of power and capitulation to divine retribution. Thus, Richard’s undoing is emblematic of the Shakespearean theocentric worldview that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power. Excellent, but I'd love to see this covered throughout the analysis, not towards the end of it! Accordingly, Richard’s death signals the restoration of divine order, Richmond the “true successor” momentously proclaims “peace lives again…God say Amen”. The religious allusion asserts the triumphal workings of providence. A providential worldview is contextually irrelevant for Pacino. I think you need a linking word at the start of that sentence; it feels like a new paragraph. Add "conversely" or "alternatively" or something ;) Unlike Shakespeare, Richard’s immorality is not condemned by Pacino who instead embraces postmodern philosophy in “A person has an opinion. It’s never a question of right or wrong”. Pacino provides this rationale for a contemporary world extricated from moral principle, reiterated through an impromptu vox populi “we have no feelings. We don’t feel for each other. If we were taught to feel, we wouldn’t be so violent”. This is a testament to the moral legacy of Shakespeare's work that has been misplaced in the modern world. What moral legacy specifically? Be explicit. In this world, the line of succession and theocentrism is lost, thus Richmond is demoted to an insignificant figure with no historical prominence. What is the significance of this? His speech is obsolete so Pacino accentuates the silence, “I love the silence. I love the silence. After silence what else is there?” This silence symbolises the uncertainty and ambiguity that permeates postmodern philosophy on one’s place in an impersonal universe. Life is “rounded with a sleep” than tied down by the constraints of a moral universe. I'd like a more definitive conclusion here.
Both Shakespeare and Pacino convey duplicity as a trait of Richard’s character. This paragraph immediately seems less effective because it is very text specific. Remove the character of Richard and your idea is non-existent - Very text focused. Try and make the text the example of the idea, not the idea itself. Richard’s deformity and inadequacies animate him to be “ subtle, false and treacherous,” He carefully constructs an outward demeanour that efficaciously disguises his malice, as when he woos Lady Anne by averring, “I did kill King Henry but ‘twas thy beauty that provoked me” and that he would “wet his grave with my repentant tears”. Retell. These lines showcase richard’s mellifluous oration and skilful manipulation as he personifies her beauty to flatter her and lodge her in a position of culpability and guilt, whilst staging himself as sincerely remorseful. Retell. Thus the “admiring and guilt-ridden lover” is one of the many forged manifestations of Richard that successfully beguiles Anne into marriage, when he really has an ulterior motive, “I will not keep her long”. Retell. Richard also deceitfully tries to rouse the people to accept his agenda by having Buckingham name the two princes as “bastards” and himself holding “a prayer book in your hand and stand between two churchmen”. The defamatory language and religious symbols to engage the role of the pious man enables him to deceive the populace into championing his accession to the throne. Still retell even with a technique; what are the impacts? What messages are conveyed? Pacino’s dual role as director and actor emulates Richard’s dual appearance. Moving beyond the esoteric language of Shakespeare, Pacino uses Chiaroscuro lighting to project light and shadow on Richard’s face highlighting his enigma and capacity of forging appearance and reality. The deliberate casting of “very young” Anne intensifies Anne’s innocence and susceptibility and thus human frailty and concurrently, Richard’s predacity. Good consideration of even things like casting; excellent textual knowledge. The camera pivots around Anne to symbolise her entrapment by his manipulative and cajoling words,. Upon a successful deception pacino exultantly exclaims “HA!”, revelling in the skill and craftiness of Richard’s deceit. Retell. Scholar Barbara Everett repudiates Richard’s apparent holiness, “he’s hard as nails, he’s only pretending to be religious”, whereby the cliché and explanation serve to encourage understanding from the contemporary audience on duplicity. Pacino emphasises the political characteristics of Richard from his defamation of the young princes, “they canvas like politicians, complete with lies and innuendo”. A comparison to contemporary politics is drawn which is recognisable to a modern audience, and enforces that still today, people are willing to do, act or saying anything to gain political power. Similar comments to above; effective paragraph but too text focused!
Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain.” It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’. What does it show us more generally about power?The pun propounds the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or free will. Good contextual link! The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. Excellent conceptual link! Try to draw it OUT of the text a little more, what do we learn about power that is relevant outside these characters? The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and justifying the Tudor reign. Again, excellent contextual link. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with revised ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. What is the significance of this (a juxtaposition of contexts?) Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and free will, replacing it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation, and control is visually and immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order. You are considering the context change very nicely. For this despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Perfect. Both composers have effectively promulgated the notion of power to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences. Excellent response, I'd like a little more consideration of audience impact, and a little more comparison too, but this works well!
Shakespeare and Pacino convey Richard’s evil as an aspect of the human condition. Try to keep these first sentences as general as possible! Shakespeare crafts Richard’s physical appearance to be “deformed” “unfinished” and “rudely stamped”. Shakespeare plays with disparaging language and copiousness to amplify Richard’s deformity to form the conditions of a religious paradigm for his audience to diagnose Richard as metaphysically evil, corrupted and less than human. What does this show about evil as part of the human condition? Shakespeare has effectively concocted a malignant identity for his audience to warrant Richard’s demise and endorse the royal prerogative of the Tudor house. Richard embodies the distinctive evil nature of the “Vice” which as him amply referred to as “hedgehog” “foul swine” “toad” and eventually, “bloody demon” and “cacodemon”. The progression from lesser beasts to diabolic terms emulates the progression of Richard’s corruption by evil that he ceases to be truly human, thus being a depiction on being human in a world dominated by steadfast morals. See how you've extended this to being a more generally relevant idea? That's what I'm looking for. The stigmas that characterised a physical malformation have long been buried. Thus, to enrich a contemporary audience’s understanding, Kimball gives an explanation “Shakespeare has exaggerated his deformity in order to embody forth dramatically, visually and metaphorically the corruption of his mind”. Pacino lessens the prominence of the deformity and appropriates Richard’s evil through costuming him ominously in all black and holding a riding crop. These symbols are visual stimuli that plainly explicate villainy and autocratic power to a modern audience. Excellent conceptual link to audience. Again, considering the difference in form very nicely. Accessing a world of moral ambiguity, Pacino orients towards the modern fascination with psychology. Kimball notes “he knows that he does not have his humanity”, so devoid that he is “alienated from his own body and own self”, thus pinning Richard’s self-corruption and psychological fragmentation for his evil. Technique? This especially manifests in the final battle scene at Bosworth, filtered in red as a synecdoche for the blood spilt by Richard who is on his knees and abandoned. His body language and low angle the he is filmed at creates a sense of vulnerability and loss of power. Thus showing the audience _____? Pacino creates a pathetic, damaged and fragmented figure of Richard, enhanced by the quick cross-cuts, eliciting sympathy from the modern audience and provoking the thought of what it is to be human. Fantastic conclusive sentence to a strong paragraph! Again, just considering things a little more broadly (including the audience's understanding) will benefit your response!
Providentialism was the religious paradigm of Shakespeare’s time and is firmly ingrained in his writing, whilst it’s absence in Pacino’s contemporary world imposes a reorientation. Fabulous comparison. The spiritual order of Shakespeare’s theocentric world is disturbed in the antithetical pairing of “winter of our discontent” and “glorious summer”. The prophetic metaphor foretells the chaos and havoc to ensue as a result of Richard’s subversion of God’s plan. What does it show the audience, not just about Richard, but in general about the theme? Shakespeare has Queen Margaret operate as the voice of providence who forewarns of the dire consequences for the suspension of moral and religious boundaries, “that none of you may live your natural age”. Retell. Thus, true to a morality play, Shakespeare extends moral messages to his audience. Hence, it is unsurprising that Richard “fall(s) into the rotten mouth of death”, a metaphor for his surrender of power and capitulation to divine retribution. Thus, Richard’s undoing is emblematic of the Shakespearean theocentric worldview that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power. Excellent, but I'd love to see this covered throughout the analysis, not towards the end of it! Accordingly, Richard’s death signals the restoration of divine order, Richmond the “true successor” momentously proclaims “peace lives again…God say Amen”. The religious allusion asserts the triumphal workings of providence. A providential worldview is contextually irrelevant for Pacino. I think you need a linking word at the start of that sentence; it feels like a new paragraph. Add "conversely" or "alternatively" or something ;) Unlike Shakespeare, Richard’s immorality is not condemned by Pacino who instead embraces postmodern philosophy in “A person has an opinion. It’s never a question of right or wrong”. Pacino provides this rationale for a contemporary world extricated from moral principle, reiterated through an impromptu vox populi “we have no feelings. We don’t feel for each other. If we were taught to feel, we wouldn’t be so violent”. This is a testament to the moral legacy of Shakespeare's work that has been misplaced in the modern world. What moral legacy specifically? Be explicit. In this world, the line of succession and theocentrism is lost, thus Richmond is demoted to an insignificant figure with no historical prominence. What is the significance of this? His speech is obsolete so Pacino accentuates the silence, “I love the silence. I love the silence. After silence what else is there?” This silence symbolises the uncertainty and ambiguity that permeates postmodern philosophy on one’s place in an impersonal universe. Life is “rounded with a sleep” than tied down by the constraints of a moral universe. I'd like a more definitive conclusion here.
Both Shakespeare and Pacino convey duplicity as a trait of Richard’s character. This paragraph immediately seems less effective because it is very text specific. Remove the character of Richard and your idea is non-existent - Very text focused. Try and make the text the example of the idea, not the idea itself. Richard’s deformity and inadequacies animate him to be “ subtle, false and treacherous,” He carefully constructs an outward demeanour that efficaciously disguises his malice, as when he woos Lady Anne by averring, “I did kill King Henry but ‘twas thy beauty that provoked me” and that he would “wet his grave with my repentant tears”. Retell. These lines showcase richard’s mellifluous oration and skilful manipulation as he personifies her beauty to flatter her and lodge her in a position of culpability and guilt, whilst staging himself as sincerely remorseful. Retell. Thus the “admiring and guilt-ridden lover” is one of the many forged manifestations of Richard that successfully beguiles Anne into marriage, when he really has an ulterior motive, “I will not keep her long”. Retell. Richard also deceitfully tries to rouse the people to accept his agenda by having Buckingham name the two princes as “bastards” and himself holding “a prayer book in your hand and stand between two churchmen”. The defamatory language and religious symbols to engage the role of the pious man enables him to deceive the populace into championing his accession to the throne. Still retell even with a technique; what are the impacts? What messages are conveyed? Pacino’s dual role as director and actor emulates Richard’s dual appearance. Moving beyond the esoteric language of Shakespeare, Pacino uses Chiaroscuro lighting to project light and shadow on Richard’s face highlighting his enigma and capacity of forging appearance and reality. The deliberate casting of “very young” Anne intensifies Anne’s innocence and susceptibility and thus human frailty and concurrently, Richard’s predacity. Good consideration of even things like casting; excellent textual knowledge. The camera pivots around Anne to symbolise her entrapment by his manipulative and cajoling words,. Upon a successful deception pacino exultantly exclaims “HA!”, revelling in the skill and craftiness of Richard’s deceit. Retell. Scholar Barbara Everett repudiates Richard’s apparent holiness, “he’s hard as nails, he’s only pretending to be religious”, whereby the cliché and explanation serve to encourage understanding from the contemporary audience on duplicity. Pacino emphasises the political characteristics of Richard from his defamation of the young princes, “they canvas like politicians, complete with lies and innuendo”. A comparison to contemporary politics is drawn which is recognisable to a modern audience, and enforces that still today, people are willing to do, act or saying anything to gain political power. Similar comments to above; effective paragraph but too text focused!
This is a great essay vyca! Excellent conceptual structure into very distinct sections, clear and succinct expression, and fabulous textual knowledge! Particularly, you consider the impacts of Pacino's contemporary form and context on the thematic treatment expertly, excellent work!
In terms of improvement; I can encompass everything I would say into one comment. You are a little too text focused.
What this means is that you are considering the texts really well, but not the wider implications. What does the audience learn about the themes from the text, for example? This also manifests in sections dominated by textual retell (particularly your last paragraph). Remember, your marker knows your text, give them nothing they already know! I'd like you to at every point ask yourself: Does the point I am making, the way I am making it, still make sensei if I say it without the text? If not, you need to rework it. The idea here is to point to the text and say, "The theme I am discussing is there." This is in contrast to saying, "This is the text and this is the idea it has in it." The theme should get the big focus! :)
Work on including your audience and reducing your retell, and that will shift you towards the higher mark ranges! This is already an effective response though, conceptually and contextually, so brilliant work! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 02:12:21 am
i was wondering if i could get my Mod C essay marked? Thank you in advanced
Hey Mary! I'd be happy to give you some feedback, it is attached with comments in bold! :)
Spoiler
Representations of people and politics often reveal either the best or worst of our world.
How is this communicated in the texts you have studied? In your response, consider the motivations driving the events in your texts.
In society, people in politics have been in a position that have allowed them to impose a beneficial or negative impact on one’s perspectives that can reveal either the best or worst of our world. This is a good start, but it's a tad simplistic. Try to delve in a little more: What sort of impacts specifically? Why do the impact take place? Why are perspective impacts? This can be shown through the motives and messages that have been received by the audience. People in a position of power have the ability to alter people’s perspectives to portray a particular message, this is evident in Barry Levinson’s 1997 film Wag the Dog and Lincoln @ Gettysburg a political documentary published in 1992. Overall, this is a good introduction, but it's a little bit brief. I'd like some more detail in your Thesis and also some more explanation of how your texts treat these ideas.
The representations of people in politics can be depicted by those in control and have the ability to manipulate others. Good! Though the expression could be tidied/improved just a little bit! In Barry Levinson’s film Wag the Dog, the protagonist Conrad Brean acts as a “spin doctor” as he is able to manipulate others into believing a particular notion, which reveals the worst of our world. In the opening scene of Wag The Dog, there is military sound effects within the first few seconds of the film, this alludes to the notion of war and conflict. How does this link to manipulation? The infamous line “Why does a dog wag its tail? Because a dog is smarter than its tail, if the tail were smarter, the tail would wag the dog” depicts the irony as the tail represents Conrad Brean who has influence over the media whilst the dog represents society. Delve a little deeper into the meaning of this. It is ironic as the smallest part of the dog is in control of the dog. In society we are inclined to listen to the media and believe anything that they tell us. Good link to the audience![/b[ During the President’s re-election campaign the repetition of the team line “Never change horses in midstream” highlights the notion of society would prefer to stick to what they know rather than take a risk. Society would prefer things to stay the same rather than accept change. Take a look at this conclusion and your topic sentence; you've strayed from the topic of manipulation! Try to make your paragraphs cohesive.
In the background of one of the shots there is a portrait of a firefly girl with the President which mirrors an image of Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton. Retell. By making this allusion it enforces the notion that the film is a satire as no one knows whether the affair really happened. Brean formulates a notion to manipulate others by as his only concern is to get the President re-elected and will do whatever is necessary. Retell. Brean’s signature catch phrase “I’m working on it” represents how he is always the one that has the power to manipulate the situation which leads to a negative impact on society. Technique here? On the plane Brean manipulates society as “we’re going to have the appearance of a war”, Brean has a lot of influence on the general public as he is able to make one phone call and memorise everyone. This representation of people in politics has allowed others to be manipulated. This paragraph is heavily retell; try not to just give the markers details about the text, they know it well, they want your interpretation of the theme of manipulation!
In contrast to the manipulation on revealing the worst of our world, empowerment can be representing the best of our world. Nice transition. This is highlighted in Lincoln @ Gettysburg within the documentary Abraham Lincoln’s speech “The Gettysburg Address” is the main section. Gettysburg is a war torn area and has great significance, it is where the Civil War between North and South America took place. Unnecessary detail. President Abraham Lincoln understood the feeling of loss and comforted the family and friends of those who have lost the people they love by writing them personal letters. Unnecessary detail. In the speech the way empowerment is used to depict the best in our wold is by acknowledging the past. “Four score and seven years ago” is a reference to the Declaration of Independence and how as a nation they were able to be free. Technique here? In the documentary, a montage was used of American citizens of different ethnicities reciting the speech, which signifies the unity, diversity and acceptance of others. “All men are created equal” is another reference to the Declaration of Independence. What is the significance of referring to this document (particularly for American audiences)? This resonates the message of unity within a nation which results in portraying the best in our society. Again a little too much retell and not enough techniques; always ask yourself, does the marker know this just from watching the film/reading the text? This rule applies equally to an ORT.
Throughout the speech Lincoln repeats “we” and “nation” in the second paragraph to show that as a nation we must unite to change the world in a positive way. Ensure all paragraphs are properly introduced as you've done above. The inclusive language brings the notion that unity is amongst everyone. Good! “These dead shall not have died in vain… by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth” depicts the heartbroken yet determined tone to make the world a better and stronger place to live in. This elaborates on the notion of revealing a positive outlook in society in other to represent the best in our world. This is better! Less retell and more focus on techniques, good stuff.
In comparison, Levinson further elaborates the notion of the power of manipulation through the clouding of our better judgment through the “false” war. Motss is the producer of the “false” war, and he loses sight of reality as he truly believes that “the is one of my best work… It’s truly honest” which is ironic as highlights the empathise on the power of manipulation. Retell. However, the way Brean and Motss are sitting based on the wide angle shot of them they are sitting away from each other. Expression issue. Ultimately this shows that Brean is still in control, as Motss is engulfed by the news report. Retell - What is the wider significance for the audience? By using the fabricated lie about the war, it was used as a form of distraction which in the end resulted in no one knowing the truth behind the President’s sexual misconduct. Retell. This film is satirical as it mirrors an alleged sexual misconduct between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinksy. What is the effect on the audience of this satirical parody? Brean reports to his security that “He’s coming down” depicts that they have planned everything to the smallest detail, this is reflected in how each lie that they tell they always have a solution to fix it until the very end of the film. How does this relate to your theme? Brean is often shown looking through a window which represents a barrier between reality and imagination. Military sounds are used in the last shots of the film, and the film ends with a shot of the empty bunkers. By using the military sound effect at both the beginning and the end depicts that everything will eventually come full circle, which alludes to the notion that manipulation is always present in society which reveals the worst of our world. You are frequently re-linking to the question, excellent work there!
The representation of people and politics in society can lead to a negative or positive impact on the way the composers have revealed the best or worst of our world. Slight expression issue there. Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson has revealed how manipulation can cloud one’s judgement and influence others in a negative way. Whilst with Lincoln @ Gettysburg documentary implements the notion of empowerment of unity amongst the nation that reveals the best in our world. Just like your introduction, a little more depth here. Just another sentence would do it!
How is this communicated in the texts you have studied? In your response, consider the motivations driving the events in your texts.
In society, people in politics have been in a position that have allowed them to impose a beneficial or negative impact on one’s perspectives that can reveal either the best or worst of our world. This is a good start, but it's a tad simplistic. Try to delve in a little more: What sort of impacts specifically? Why do the impact take place? Why are perspective impacts? This can be shown through the motives and messages that have been received by the audience. People in a position of power have the ability to alter people’s perspectives to portray a particular message, this is evident in Barry Levinson’s 1997 film Wag the Dog and Lincoln @ Gettysburg a political documentary published in 1992. Overall, this is a good introduction, but it's a little bit brief. I'd like some more detail in your Thesis and also some more explanation of how your texts treat these ideas.
The representations of people in politics can be depicted by those in control and have the ability to manipulate others. Good! Though the expression could be tidied/improved just a little bit! In Barry Levinson’s film Wag the Dog, the protagonist Conrad Brean acts as a “spin doctor” as he is able to manipulate others into believing a particular notion, which reveals the worst of our world. In the opening scene of Wag The Dog, there is military sound effects within the first few seconds of the film, this alludes to the notion of war and conflict. How does this link to manipulation? The infamous line “Why does a dog wag its tail? Because a dog is smarter than its tail, if the tail were smarter, the tail would wag the dog” depicts the irony as the tail represents Conrad Brean who has influence over the media whilst the dog represents society. Delve a little deeper into the meaning of this. It is ironic as the smallest part of the dog is in control of the dog. In society we are inclined to listen to the media and believe anything that they tell us. Good link to the audience![/b[ During the President’s re-election campaign the repetition of the team line “Never change horses in midstream” highlights the notion of society would prefer to stick to what they know rather than take a risk. Society would prefer things to stay the same rather than accept change. Take a look at this conclusion and your topic sentence; you've strayed from the topic of manipulation! Try to make your paragraphs cohesive.
In the background of one of the shots there is a portrait of a firefly girl with the President which mirrors an image of Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton. Retell. By making this allusion it enforces the notion that the film is a satire as no one knows whether the affair really happened. Brean formulates a notion to manipulate others by as his only concern is to get the President re-elected and will do whatever is necessary. Retell. Brean’s signature catch phrase “I’m working on it” represents how he is always the one that has the power to manipulate the situation which leads to a negative impact on society. Technique here? On the plane Brean manipulates society as “we’re going to have the appearance of a war”, Brean has a lot of influence on the general public as he is able to make one phone call and memorise everyone. This representation of people in politics has allowed others to be manipulated. This paragraph is heavily retell; try not to just give the markers details about the text, they know it well, they want your interpretation of the theme of manipulation!
In contrast to the manipulation on revealing the worst of our world, empowerment can be representing the best of our world. Nice transition. This is highlighted in Lincoln @ Gettysburg within the documentary Abraham Lincoln’s speech “The Gettysburg Address” is the main section. Gettysburg is a war torn area and has great significance, it is where the Civil War between North and South America took place. Unnecessary detail. President Abraham Lincoln understood the feeling of loss and comforted the family and friends of those who have lost the people they love by writing them personal letters. Unnecessary detail. In the speech the way empowerment is used to depict the best in our wold is by acknowledging the past. “Four score and seven years ago” is a reference to the Declaration of Independence and how as a nation they were able to be free. Technique here? In the documentary, a montage was used of American citizens of different ethnicities reciting the speech, which signifies the unity, diversity and acceptance of others. “All men are created equal” is another reference to the Declaration of Independence. What is the significance of referring to this document (particularly for American audiences)? This resonates the message of unity within a nation which results in portraying the best in our society. Again a little too much retell and not enough techniques; always ask yourself, does the marker know this just from watching the film/reading the text? This rule applies equally to an ORT.
Throughout the speech Lincoln repeats “we” and “nation” in the second paragraph to show that as a nation we must unite to change the world in a positive way. Ensure all paragraphs are properly introduced as you've done above. The inclusive language brings the notion that unity is amongst everyone. Good! “These dead shall not have died in vain… by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth” depicts the heartbroken yet determined tone to make the world a better and stronger place to live in. This elaborates on the notion of revealing a positive outlook in society in other to represent the best in our world. This is better! Less retell and more focus on techniques, good stuff.
In comparison, Levinson further elaborates the notion of the power of manipulation through the clouding of our better judgment through the “false” war. Motss is the producer of the “false” war, and he loses sight of reality as he truly believes that “the is one of my best work… It’s truly honest” which is ironic as highlights the empathise on the power of manipulation. Retell. However, the way Brean and Motss are sitting based on the wide angle shot of them they are sitting away from each other. Expression issue. Ultimately this shows that Brean is still in control, as Motss is engulfed by the news report. Retell - What is the wider significance for the audience? By using the fabricated lie about the war, it was used as a form of distraction which in the end resulted in no one knowing the truth behind the President’s sexual misconduct. Retell. This film is satirical as it mirrors an alleged sexual misconduct between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinksy. What is the effect on the audience of this satirical parody? Brean reports to his security that “He’s coming down” depicts that they have planned everything to the smallest detail, this is reflected in how each lie that they tell they always have a solution to fix it until the very end of the film. How does this relate to your theme? Brean is often shown looking through a window which represents a barrier between reality and imagination. Military sounds are used in the last shots of the film, and the film ends with a shot of the empty bunkers. By using the military sound effect at both the beginning and the end depicts that everything will eventually come full circle, which alludes to the notion that manipulation is always present in society which reveals the worst of our world. You are frequently re-linking to the question, excellent work there!
The representation of people and politics in society can lead to a negative or positive impact on the way the composers have revealed the best or worst of our world. Slight expression issue there. Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson has revealed how manipulation can cloud one’s judgement and influence others in a negative way. Whilst with Lincoln @ Gettysburg documentary implements the notion of empowerment of unity amongst the nation that reveals the best in our world. Just like your introduction, a little more depth here. Just another sentence would do it!
This is a solid essay Mary! Answers the question directly and shows effective textual knowledge, you know your stuff! Excellent work there ;D
My main concern would be the quality of analysis. A large portion of your essay is in retell; giving the reader details about the plot of the text that aren't relevant to conveying your ideas. Try to remove these sorts of sentences and replace them with sentences where you say, "The composer uses this technique to show the audience THIS. Plot details are irrelevant because the marker knows your text already!
Besides this, try to focus a little more on techniques. I'm looking for representational choices made by the composer, and WHY they were made. What purpose do they serve? Technique, example, explain!
And finally, a little more conceptual depth. I go through some of this in the introduction. Right now you are answering the question quite generically; try to go for a little more detail by always asking more questions of your own statements! I gave you some questions in the comments to get you started.
I hope these few little bits of feedback give you some avenues to go down in the lead up to the exam :) great work Mary!
Post by: birdwing341 on October 08, 2016, 08:50:23 am
Hey birdwing! Thanks for posting!! I've attached your essay with comments throughout:SpoilerA critical study of meaningful films delivers profound insights into prevalent issues of society, engaging audiences to reflect on the human condition. Fabulous! But I'd like you to elaborate on 'human condition,' it's a very broad term. Orson Welles’ 1941 film “Citizen Kane” is one such example of a film whose exploration of timeless thematic concerns ensures its continued relevance. Welles’ examination of the futility of materialist pursuits, corruptive impacts of a pursuit of power and the complex nature of identity, is elucidated by his innovative synthesis of cinematic construction and technical flair. Absolutely fabulous/b]. Thus Citizen Kane’s powerful exploration of thematic ideals resonates with responders, ensuring its position in cinematic history. This is a perfect example of how simple can be powerful. This is close to faultless, elaborate a bit on your conceptual basis and you are set!
“Citizen Kane” delivers a stark warning to responders against attempting to attain emotional security by materialist pursuits through the character of Kane. Excellent audience recognition there. In recognising Kane’s primary motivation of love, encapsulated in his childhood friend Jed Leland’s reflection, ‘Love. That’s why he did everything’, Welles’ depiction of Kane’s loveless childhood divulges the emotional insecurity behind his materialist ambitions. In the ‘signing-away scene’, Welles utilises ground-breaking deep-focus photography to allow the audience to equally observe Kane’s mother signing him over to a bank and Kane playing in the background, framed by the rigid structure of a window, symbolising his helplessness and foreshadowing his later entrapment by capitalist values. Perhaps a little too much scene description there, try and condense it a little bit! Welles use of circular filmic structure parallels the signing away of Kane with that of his newspaper later in the film, again using deep focus cinematography to frame his banker, Thatcher, and friend, Bernstein, in the foreground against Kane in the background, confined by giant windows, to delineate his transformation to become entrapped by consumerist tendencies. Remember that you don't have to describe what is happening in the film unless it directly furthers your discussion; you can purely focus on the technique and the effect! Yet his ensuing lamentation, ‘If I hadn’t been very rich I might have been a great man’ reflects his resentment towards the wealth which defined him and denied him love and delivers a powerful warning of the futility of satiating emotional desires with materialist pursuits. Technique? Furthermore, after his second wife Susan leaves him, Kane rampages through her room destroying her belongings, which symbolise his materialistic attempts to create a genuine relationship, and is stopped only by the snow-globe, representative of the purity of Kane’s childhood and his desire for a love. Retell, don't use plot elements as mechanisms for concepts! You must be using techniques. As a final statement, Welles uses an innovative high-angle pan to show the vast number of Kane’s belongings, only for them to be denigrated in journalist Thompson’s comment ‘[It’s worth] millions if anyone wants it’, clearly espousing the futility of searching for emotional fulfilment in materialist pursuits. Thus Citizen Kane cleverly engages responders with its insights into the complex interaction between emotional security and wealth, demonstrating… An excellent paragraph! I'd like less focus on the plot and the film specifics, and just focus more on the techniques. This should streamline your analysis a little!
Welles recognises the inherent desire of humanity to receive power and recognition, and portrays its ramifications in causing the loss of morality through the example of Kane. Excellent. Kane’s initial moral fortitude is revealed in his “Declaration of Principles”, recalled in a flashback by his friend Bernstein, where he asserts “I will provide the people with a champion of their rights”. Retell. Whilst his white shirt symbolises his pure ethical motives, Welles undermines his initial idealism by the chiaroscuro lighting which enshrouds him in darkness to foreshadow his later corruption, portrayed in his election campaign. Drawing attention to the film’s cinematic innovations, Welles’ utilises a low angle sweeping camera-shot of a large portrait of Kane overshadowing his own figure, representing his egotistical self-view and drawing a direct comparison between Kane and despotic immoral dictators such as Hitler, to reveal the moral cost of his pursuit of power. Excellent analysis there. After Kane loses the election, Leland, who acts as his moral foil, assesses his moral trajectory in a dismissive tone “you said you were a man of the people”, objectively delineating his moral transformation. Retell, very text focused, ask yourself always; Does this analysis matter at all outside the text? If it doesn't it needs to be extended. The pioneering worms-eye camera angle depicts both men as equally giant, symbolising the conflict between power and morality, and detritus of rubbish strewn across the room, demonstrating the tainting of Kane’s moral compass arisen from his pursuit of power. Kane’s moral decline is symbolically made complete when he tears the Principles to pieces, after receiving them from the recently fired Leland. Retell. The lack of a personal relationship between the men coupled with Kane’s flippant tone when he calls them an “antique”, suggests Kane’s nonchalance towards moral virtue and serves to cement his moral degradation arisen from the pursuit of power. I know it's difficult, but remember never to assign techniques to Kane, credit for even things like tone must go to Welles as the composer. Kane is a puppet! By paralleling the breakdown in Kane’s relationship with Leland with his loss of moral integrity, Welles cleverly enhances the audience’s understanding of the oppositional relationship between power and morality.
Citizen Kane positions the audience to observe the inherent complexity of identity, serving to emphasise the inability of the human condition to be categorised within a singular definitive identity. Good! The prominence of Kane’s enigmatic last word ‘Rosebud’, which propels the film-long search for answers by journalist Thompson, alludes to the notion that perhaps Kane’s life could be construed from a single word. What is the audience view of this notion? Yet the recollections of characters interviewed by Thompson are revealed in non-linear flashbacks, creating a fragmented narrative structure and offering conflicting perspectives on Kane’s character, denying the audience an objective truth on his identity. What is the thematic conclusion? What do we learn conceptually, not just about Kane? Furthermore, Welles artfully portrays Kane’s complex character in mis-en-abyme in his last appearance in the film, where the prismatic mirror reflections of Kane as he leaves Susan’s room symbolically remind responders of the numerous aspects of his identity and the inability to ascribe to an individual a singular conclusive identity. Welles espouses this conclusion in Thompson’s confession, ‘No, I think Rosebud is just a piece in a jigsaw puzzle, a missing piece’. The motif of jigsaw puzzles,which are never completed by Susan, become emblematic of the primary motif of fragmentation,inviting comparison with an understanding of Kane’s life, which remains similarly fractured. The strikethrough text are the text focused bits, the rest work really well, what does the audience learn? Welles poignant exploration of timeless thematic concerns is enhanced by his avant-garde use of Thompson as a cipher for responders, utilising subjective over-the-shoulder shots to allow deeper audience engagement and participation. Good! As a result, his bookending of the film with the “No Trespassing” sign, directly addresses the audience and serves as a final reminder to responders that although they have seen much of Kane’s life, true understanding has eluded them. Again, what is the conceptual implication? Therefore, Welles’ cohesive cinematic examination of the notion of identity elucidates its complexity and the difficulty in categorising an individual according to a finite truth, allowing responders to observe…[Answer the question].
Thus an examination of “Citizen Kane” offers insights into the dangers of satiating emotional desires with materialist pursuits, the inherent corruption of morality arisen from the pursuit of power and the complexity of identity. I'd like you to link all of these together under a single umbrella, either before or after this sentence.Welles’ evocative exploration of transcendental thematic concerns is matched in quality only by his technical prowess, creating a textual integrity that ensures its place as a cinematic masterpiece to this day – rewrite on the day Yep, you're all over it!
This is a fantastic essay birdwing! A very clear and direct style of expression (similar to my own), which works extremely well for you. Addresses the module excellently, and I picture it working for a variety of questions, bonus! Excellent conceptual ideas to boot and a distinct structure that works excellently. This is an excellent response for these reasons and more! :)
My main piece of feedback would be in being a tad too text specific. Several areas of retell, and several areas where you've analysed the text, but not considered the wider implications. Yes, I learn new things about Kane, but what is the wider effect of that? What do I learn about the human condition (for example) in general? Making these wider connections, while simultaneously removing some of the unnecessary plot/text details, will only serve to increase the quality of your response further :)
In short, an excellent response birdwing! You should be very confident heading into exams ;D
Thanks very much for marking this (and for all the feedback!!), especially with the forum being so busy. We're really thankful for all the advice you've given over the course of the year!!
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 08, 2016, 09:38:57 am
Post by: birdwing341 on October 08, 2016, 10:23:57 am
Hey Jamon thank you so much for marking my essay i know the forums have been really busy so thank you for marking my essay! but THANK YOU!!!! I'll definitely try working on analysing then retelling (I haven't worked out how people quoted the response beforehand)
There's a little quote button at the top right of each post. If you click it then you'll automatically be taken to a reply with the post quoted :)
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 08, 2016, 10:29:45 am
There's a little quote button at the top right of each post. If you click it then you'll automatically be taken to a reply with the post quoted :)
thats so cool thank you!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 10:36:31 am
Hey Jamon thank you so much for marking my essay i know the forums have been really busy so thank you for marking my essay! but THANK YOU!!!! I'll definitely try working on analysing then retelling (I haven't worked out how people quoted the response beforehand)
Thanks very much for marking this (and for all the feedback!!), especially with the forum being so busy. We're really thankful for all the advice you've given over the course of the year!!
Not a problem guys! Happy to be of help, hope the feedback helps you really smash the exam out of the park ;D
Post by: Essej on October 08, 2016, 11:19:16 am
Hey Essej! Thanks for posting, good on you for having a crack at an integrated response! I've attached your essay with comments throughout in bold ;DSpoilerAnalyse how the central values portrayed in Donne’s poetry are creatively reshaped in W;t.
Perennial notions pertaining to personal fulfilment through spiritual or emotional connections are ideals which allow texts to transcend contextual barriers. Good introduction, though perhaps the tiniest bit vague; exactly what about these makes them transcend? It's because they appeal to universal audiences, every responder experiences these connection. Perhaps link the audience in a little more for clarity. In John Donne’s 17th Century metaphysical poetry, the composer explores timeless concerns of salvation from a subversive religious standpoint. Good. Donne argues that through humanistic experiences and spiritual rationalisation, one may transcend the physical dimension and achieve a state of introspective resolution. Margaret Edson's postmodern play W;t (1995) inventively remodels these timeless human concerns to reflect a secular milieu wherein academic obsession adversely impacts upon one’s capacity to confront mortality. Fantastic, brief and powerful summaries of the conceptual basis of each text. It is posed by Edson that in such a paradigm, suffering and meaningful emotional connections are paramount to service the individual passion for ascension present across both secular and religious contexts. Good introduction, but I'm not getting enough of the comparative element as of yet. You allude to it in "remodels these timeless human concerns...", but I'm looking for more. Perhaps a conclusive sentence that links the two texts together, and recognises that examining them together grants us increased understanding?
The ability of academia to provide existential relief, evidenced by Donne’s subversion of religious authority, is challenged by Edson in a secular paradigm wherein scholarly obsession prevents human connection and fulfilment. I love how you immediately play the two against each other conceptually; this is brilliant. In W;t, the academic elitist Vivian Bearing is satirically depicted by Edson in a sterile clinical setting to epitomise the inability of research to offer insight into death and the hereafter. Any techniques that help achieve this? The perennial anxiety surrounding death and salvation is present through the medical industry’s search for a ‘cure for cancer’, driving them to conduct research on individuals such as the scholarly ovarian cancer patient. Careful not to rely on plot details in your analysis. Edson poses a commentary upon the status-driven nature of knowledge in such a secular paradigm wherein Vivian explains in an arrogant tone “After twenty years, I can say with confidence, no one is quite as good as I”. Remember never to assign techniques to your character; they are a puppet. Assign them to the composer, they are the hard work! However, by enamouring herself with knowledge, the protagonist is left ill-equipped to face her own mortality. Retell. Edson’s incorporation of ellipsis within Vivian’s existential questioning “I’m in a… quandary, having these...doubts” reveals her remorse at her academic obsession whilst also serving as a condemnation of the apathetic medical industry. What does this show the audience? Remember to tie in our interpretations, what the composer wants to communicate. Adversely, within Donne’s sonnet “Death be Not Proud” the poet utilises religious research gained as a priest of St. Paul’s Cathedral to successfully challenge the contextual authority of death. Good contextual tie in. Donne’s demeaning employment of metaphysical conceit in “One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally” employs the discernment of biblical teachings prevalent in his Counter-Reformation context to argue that death is merely a passage to the afterlife and thus should not be feared. Perfection. Clearly, diverging contexts reveal different interpretations of the capacity of knowledge to offer one existential relief. A definite solid paragraph, conceptually it is brilliant. I'm looking for more analysis; more techniques to really show your textual knowledge.
Universally applicable to both texts is the significance of human relationships in providing enrichment to individuals and thereby in facilitating an effective confrontation of one’s mortality. Fantastic conceptual statement. Donne’s romantic monologue “A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning” explores the ability of sacrosanct platonic relationships to allow one to transcend physical and contextual boundaries. The central compass conceit in which “The fix’d foot” of his lover is eternally linked to himself “As stiff twin compasses are two” incorporates a circular motif to reference the prevalent Renaissance symbol of perfect unity. Fabulous. Through this, the poet poses a commentary upon the ability of emotional connection to surpass the barrier of death; as evidenced by the euphemistic simile “as virtuous men pass mildly away”. Excellent. It is here that Donne manifests religious values pertaining to eternal life to argue the necessity of human connection in the individual experience of a complete life. In contrast to the empathetic approach evident in Donne’s poetry, Edson presents an emotionless academic perspective on the anxious search for salvation in a secular paradigm. Excellent transition. The composer’s inclusion of alienating devices such as the breaking down of the fourth wall in “It is not my intention to give away the plot, but I think i die at the end” evoke a sense of detachment within the audience as Vivian metaphorically likens herself to a “specimen jar”. Again, Donne metaphorically likens Vivian. This references the dehumanised nature of contemporary institutionalisation wherein the harsh nature of medical treatment and the absence of ‘bedside manner’, which is likened to a ‘colossal waste of time’ by Jason, prevents comfort in the face of death. Excellent. Edson’s direct intertextual reference to the poem wherein Vivian in a pedantic tone elucidates “A breach, but an ex-pan-see-on” furthers the satire of apathetic contemporary academia through a dismissal of Donne’s theme of enduring love. Further, it serves as a turning point wherein Bearing epiphanically accepts that “Now is not the time for verbal swordplay” as she instead longs for the humanistic experiences of Donne. Slightly retell here. Thus, it is reinforced that a lack of emotional connection inhibits the achievement of contentment in the face of mortality. A much better paragraph analytically, more techniques has increased your sophistication. Absolutely fantastic.
The spiritual pilgrimage to service one’s passion for redemption is furthered by reconciliation facilitated by religious milieus, however requires suffering and humanistic experiences in a secular paradigm. Awesome. Vivian’s shifting psyche whereby she discovers the need for emotional connection to attain liberation in a contemporary context is hindered by her concern with self-effacement and dignity in death. Retell. Thus, Edson employs a satirical intertextual reference to Donne’s sonnet “My Play’s Last Scene” in “my pilgrimages last mile...I have broken the record...but I flatter myself…” as the protagonist seeks repentance, illustrating her ineptitude in reaching personal fulfilment due to a lack of human connection. What is the ultimate commentary here? The final message to the composer? Remember to re-emphasise this regularly. Akin to this, Donne’s poem explores the religious search for reconciliation to achieve salvation through pleading with God for forgiveness in death pursuant to his religious context. The poet’s abandonment of earlier love poetry owing to his spiritual crisis wherein he transitions from Catholicism to Anglicanism is exemplified in Donne’s fearful personification “gluttonous death will instantly unjoin my body and soul”. Excellent personal context link. The implicated notion that reflection upon one’s spiritual journey is essential in achieving salvation is furthered by the persona’s fear of unworthiness to ascend to heaven in the volta break “As my soul to heaven...takes flight” where an acknowledgement of death’s inevitability with the spiritual comfort of immortality orchestrates the persona’s release from sin. Edson skilfully adapts such notions in a secular milieu through posing that “infernal tests” are necessary in achieving salvation due to a lack of perceived emotional connection; with the playwright incorporating black humour in the protagonists reflection “It would be a relief to be a cheerleader”. Excellent analysis. Vivian’s anagnorisis of her academic obsession is aided by Susie through the symbolism of the popsicle whereby the protagonist undergoes shared emotional experiences, which ultimately allow her to shed the academia of Donne’s metaphysical poetry for the emotion of Shakespeare; as evidenced by the intertextual reference “And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest”. Thus, the final scene of the play elucidates how experiences of humanist spirituality allow for liberation in a secular paradigm through a religious allusion in the stage directions “The instant she is naked and beautiful, reaching for the light - Lights out”. It is evident that through humanist spirituality and experiences of suffering, Edson adapts the religious values of Donne’s Renaissance poetry to suit a secular milieu. Excellent paragraph! Virtually no commentary from me, be sure to accentuate the main ideas that the composer wants to communicate to their audience!
In summary, the importance of emotional connection in allowing individuals the capacity to achieve salvation and comfort in death is one immortalised across both the Counter-Reformation context of Donne and the postmodern secular milieu of Margaret Edson’s “W;t”. I'm a fan of saying it's portrayed in texts universally, and THEN bringing in your two texts as examples. A little more conceptual. Whereas in Donne’s poetry however, religious research and subversion of contextual authorities served as a form of liberation, Edson poses that a lack of spiritual and emotional connection through academic obsession inhibits personal fulfilment. A little expression issue at the beginning there. Ultimately, Edson reshapes ideals surrounding reconciliation as a catalyst for redemption through the notion that humanist spirituality and suffering are essential components in reaching ascension. Fantastic conclusion.
Pfft, you're a natural Essej, this is a brilliant essay! Conceptually masterful, and answers the question expertly. Fantastic analysis, more-so in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs, but on the whole still to an extremely high standard. Ideas are expressed clearly as well! You do have a very sophisticated vocabulary; be careful that powerful word choices don't impact on the clarity of your response. Sometimes, simple is powerful ;D
The only other comment I'd make is to ensure that you are linking back to the big picture often. What is the composer trying to say? Why (given their context) are they trying to say it? These more 'big picture' audience links were something I'd like to see more of in your essay.
Besides this, my comments throughout will identify isolated issues. However, an extremely well written response Essej, you should be really confident using it in the exam! :)
Thankyou so much Jamon, as always <3
Post by: BPunjabi on October 08, 2016, 11:21:09 am
Thanks very much for marking this (and for all the feedback!!), especially with the forum being so busy. We're really thankful for all the advice you've given over the course of the year!!
Ditto!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 11:31:24 am
Ditto!
Thankyou so much Jamon, as always <3
Most welcome all! ;D
Just as an update, Jake and I actually did really well yesterday and reduced the waiting list to only 6 essays, all in this thread (that's including the 2 from you Mr. Bobby), so I'm improving our delivery time from Monday to Sunday, you'll all have feedback by tomorrow :) :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 08, 2016, 11:39:58 am
Most welcome all! ;D
Just as an update, Jake and I actually did really well yesterday and reduced the waiting list to only 6 essays, all in this thread (that's including the 2 from you Mr. Bobby), so I'm improving our delivery time from Monday to Sunday, you'll all have feedback by tomorrow :) :)
:D you guys are awesome, no rush!
Post by: lha on October 08, 2016, 01:27:11 pm
Most welcome all! ;D
Just as an update, Jake and I actually did really well yesterday and reduced the waiting list to only 6 essays, all in this thread (that's including the 2 from you Mr. Bobby), so I'm improving our delivery time from Monday to Sunday, you'll all have feedback by tomorrow :) :)
Thank you! Is that including the creative writing?
Post by: nibblez16 on October 08, 2016, 01:38:22 pm
Post by: BPunjabi on October 08, 2016, 01:45:50 pm
Hello. Where can I get my creative marked? :)
Hey Nibblez,
If you want to submit your creative writing part of English AOS, submit it here: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
Post by: nibblez16 on October 08, 2016, 01:59:55 pm
Hey Nibblez,
If you want to submit your creative writing part of English AOS, submit it here: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
Alright Thank You :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 08, 2016, 02:06:08 pm
Alright Thank You :)
No Worries ahah, the post limit has changed to 30 now so... ;)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 04:45:23 pm
Thank you! Is that including the creative writing?
Nope that's just essays, we've divided and conquered, Elyse is handling Creatives :)
Post by: lha on October 08, 2016, 05:27:04 pm
Nope that's just essays, we've divided and conquered, Elyse is handling Creatives :)
Alright thank you!
Post by: melprocrastinator on October 08, 2016, 09:57:30 pm
Most welcome all! ;D
Just as an update, Jake and I actually did really well yesterday and reduced the waiting list to only 6 essays, all in this thread (that's including the 2 from you Mr. Bobby), so I'm improving our delivery time from Monday to Sunday, you'll all have feedback by tomorrow :) :)
Thank you!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 09, 2016, 01:00:52 am
This is my mod a essay. Could you please critically mark it and let me know the mark i would get if i adapt it well to the question?
Also, I really need to cut down atleast 60 words, preferably 100 because i am incredibly slow writer which sucks for english exams so pleasee let me know anything that i can cut out.
Thank you!
Hey lha! Your essay is attached with feedback throughout, you know the drill ;)
Spoiler
Alfred Tennyson’s poetry, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River (1978) initially appear intertextually dissimilar due to divergent contexts and medium. Beyond this artificial divide, however, the texts share a complementary examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness; the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century serving to strengthen the audiences perceptions of this nexus when viewed in tandem, rather than weaken it. This isn't how I'd typically start a Module A essay; but it works really well! I'd like to see some more detail about the concepts of truth and happiness though. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principle concept being portrayed; the role of truthful self-reflection in allowing the main characters to achieve ultimate happiness. What is the relevance of this concept universally? It can't just rely on the characters! This process is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to achieve happiness and find truth from their past. A good introduction! Slightly too text focused, remember that your ideas should stand separate to text specifics; point to your texts as examples, don't rely on them.
This examination of truth by Tennyson and Anderson is primarily explored through the lens of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of women within them. Don't use "This" in an introductory sentence, particularly the first one. It is the start of a new idea. Good concept though! In Tirra Lirra by the River,for example, the chronological proximity of the societal context of Australia and England during the 1970s and post WWII is critical to the progression of the novel. Anderson’s characterisation of Nora represents her as a complex and sophisticated woman with an artistic temperament, creating an intertextual connection between her and Tennyson’s creative poetic style. Nora’s disparate personality conveyed through her characterisation as “a backward and innocent girl”, contrasts the contemporarily traditional archetype of womanhood in the 1940s. What technique achieves this characterisation? These arbitrary gender roles are further satirised through the high modality of Colin’s declarative statement, “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasising the dominate role of men during the WWII era. What does a modern audience think of this? Moreover, “Colin won’t let me”, expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through diction, further reinforcing these gender restrictions and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness. Technique? Thus, Anderson’s realistic incorporation of the truthful gender roles that affected women’s happiness in the olden context, in Nora’s life, makes the responder ponder about whether it is based on a true story, skillfully exploring the concept of truth.This last sentence is a little unclear; I get what you are saying, you are challenging our assumptions on gender roles. Try to express this more clearly though!
Similarly, Tennyson has created an allegory in “The Lady of Shalott” which acts as his case against established gender roles that repressed happiness in the Victorian era. Good. The use of iambic tetrameter creates a sense of urgency, expressing Tennyson’s passion for the issue and thus, his truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. Nice consideration of form. The protagonist is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the truth of the Victorian context, the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. This subtle reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora. Hitting the comparative element of this essay quite nicely, well done! Through Anderson and Tennyson’s realistic embodiment of the truth in each context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative effect that they have on a female’s happiness. This paragraph has more conviction in its analysis, nicely done!
Memories are subjective, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. What does the first phrase have to do with the second? This seems a little shaky to me. The metaphor in Nora’s “careful[ness] not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side”represents her high selectivity of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing, indicating to the readers that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WWII time that essentially caused her pain. You can trim textual details as I've done and focus completely on the impact on the responder! This is more efficient! Furthermore, the high modality in “manipulat[ing] the globe myself” emphasises her strong bias that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness. Retell. In conjunction, diction used for the self-realisation in, “at last I had begun to admit the truth – that my greatest need was not for a baby”, allows Nora’s admittance of the truth, and thus the ability to find a solution to her sadness, expressing to the readers the high value of subjective memories in creating happiness. A little too text specific still; don't give me any unnecessary detail on the text; that last phrase was the important bit. Anderson strongly asserts the significance of subjective memories by giving her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness. Again, good paragraph! A little too much textual detail that you can trim!
Correspondingly, expressed by Tennyson to communicate a significant truth; the mourning rituals which epitomised an individual’s time of passing in the Victorian era, were the memories that the protagonist obtained of his loved one that helped him in grieving. A little too retell-focused for a conceptual statement here. In spite of the pain felt by the protagonist in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual death of his loved one, remembering them truthfully provides comfort. Retell. The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing of a recent event, juxtaposing the title, which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. This adeptly promotes Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has for happiness suggesting that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving. Nice! A little unbalanced with your other text though, notice the length difference? Normally not a huge issue but in comparative you want to be as even as possible!
Furthermore, in “In Memoriam”, the repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “the long unlovely street”, a symbol to the audience of the distressingly truthful memories that have to be confronted in order to lament the absence of a friend. Remember to introduce every paragraph; it's the beginning of a new idea! Anaphora in the phrase “ring out” draws an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles, symbolizing the positive effect of recalling factual memories of his friend; proficiently sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan them in the Victorian context, to his audience. Nice consideration of audience. Furthermore, through “thro’ truths in manhood darkly join”, Tennyson utilizes religious imagery to present the dichotomous relationship between truth and ignorance, making it relatable to people of that religious time, thus allowing an easier understanding of Tennyson’s values amongst the audience. Excellent! Thing of brilliance. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson. Some really good ideas in this paragraph, but it isn't clear what you are discussing. That is due to the lack of an introduction.
Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts. They aid to enhance the reader’s understanding of the negative effect of discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow further understanding of the truth and the attainment of happiness. The composers’ analysis of these axiological values accommodate the contextual atmosphere for a comprehensive recognition of the protagonist’s feelings and actions, further assisting a deeper understanding of truth and happiness investigated by Tennyson and Anderson. Quick, efficient and solid conclusion, good work!
This examination of truth by Tennyson and Anderson is primarily explored through the lens of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of women within them. Don't use "This" in an introductory sentence, particularly the first one. It is the start of a new idea. Good concept though! In Tirra Lirra by the River,
Similarly, Tennyson has created an allegory in “The Lady of Shalott” which acts as his case against established gender roles that repressed happiness in the Victorian era. Good. The use of iambic tetrameter creates a sense of urgency, expressing Tennyson’s passion for the issue and thus, his truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. Nice consideration of form. The protagonist is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the truth of the Victorian context, the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. This subtle reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora. Hitting the comparative element of this essay quite nicely, well done! Through Anderson and Tennyson’s realistic embodiment of the truth in each context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative effect that they have on a female’s happiness. This paragraph has more conviction in its analysis, nicely done!
Memories are subjective, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. What does the first phrase have to do with the second? This seems a little shaky to me. The metaphor in Nora’s “careful[ness] not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side”
Correspondingly, expressed by Tennyson to communicate a significant truth; the mourning rituals which epitomised an individual’s time of passing in the Victorian era, were the memories that the protagonist obtained of his loved one that helped him in grieving. A little too retell-focused for a conceptual statement here. In spite of the pain felt by the protagonist in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual death of his loved one, remembering them truthfully provides comfort. Retell. The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing of a recent event, juxtaposing the title, which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. This adeptly promotes Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has for happiness suggesting that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving. Nice! A little unbalanced with your other text though, notice the length difference? Normally not a huge issue but in comparative you want to be as even as possible!
Furthermore, in “In Memoriam”, the repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “the long unlovely street”, a symbol to the audience of the distressingly truthful memories that have to be confronted in order to lament the absence of a friend. Remember to introduce every paragraph; it's the beginning of a new idea! Anaphora in the phrase “ring out” draws an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles, symbolizing the positive effect of recalling factual memories of his friend; proficiently sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan them in the Victorian context, to his audience. Nice consideration of audience. Furthermore, through “thro’ truths in manhood darkly join”, Tennyson utilizes religious imagery to present the dichotomous relationship between truth and ignorance, making it relatable to people of that religious time, thus allowing an easier understanding of Tennyson’s values amongst the audience. Excellent! Thing of brilliance. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson. Some really good ideas in this paragraph, but it isn't clear what you are discussing. That is due to the lack of an introduction.
Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts. They aid to enhance the reader’s understanding of the negative effect of discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow further understanding of the truth and the attainment of happiness. The composers’ analysis of these axiological values accommodate the contextual atmosphere for a comprehensive recognition of the protagonist’s feelings and actions, further assisting a deeper understanding of truth and happiness investigated by Tennyson and Anderson. Quick, efficient and solid conclusion, good work!
Another great essay lha! Some great analysis throughout, excellent comparative elements, and well organised into distinct sections (except a few missing intros/conclusions!). I indicated a few things to think about when trimming words (and probably trimmed about 30 myself); the key is to avoid unnecessary textual detail. In several places you tell me what we learn about the text, and what we learn about the theme. This is great, but we only need the latter!! Have a read of my comments to see where I've removed some things and try and apply my reasoning elsewhere! :)
Minor comments throughout; some extra conceptual clarity in your introduction and occasionally in your response, some consideration of the modern responder and what we gain from the use of a technique, and making sure you have a balance; see the comments for details. That said, the skeleton here is rock solid and I think you should be really confident!! Right now I'd put this in the Band 5 range well adapted; some more cut and polish (particularly to do with conceptual clarity) over the next few days should slot it into that Band 6 range you are gunning for! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 09, 2016, 01:30:39 am
Hi, this is my module c essay and its the module i struggle with the most especially with the whole representation thing. My essay only has two long paragraphs because I was struggling to think of an idea for a third in which i could properly draw links between them and in an exam I don't think I'd have time to anyway, would a band 6 still be possible?
Hey Emerald99! Thanks for hanging in there for feedback; you've got your essay below with comments in bold:
Spoiler
Despite the obscurity behind a government’s ulterior motives, it is clear beyond a reasonable doubt, that control through infiltrating society, is the ultimate goal. Nice conceptual start! Nice and broad to apply to more questions, good stuff. However, control over the population may become any governments or individual’s final goal, whether the political agenda is vague or completely clear. Not sure what this adds to your first sentence? Thus, this manipulation over the masses at an individual’s and society’s expense is reflected in W.H Auden’s “O what is that sound which so thrills the ear” and “Spain,” highlighting the negative fascist and capitalist government influences over European civilisation during WW2. Conversely, Stanley Krammer’s 1960s civil rights era film, Guess who’s coming to Dinner, signifies how individuals who have ambiguous political motivations, harbour the ability to have great influence over the stability and longevity over other people’s relationships. I'm looking for a conclusive sentence here that ties everything together, something like, "Comparing these texts allows a better understanding of ______."
Regardless of an individual’s ignorance towards the motivations behind ambiguous political climates, hegemonic ideologies, nevertheless, aim to dominate and assimilate individuals to the prevailing political dogma. Awesome conceptual introduction. This is illustrated in Auden’s ballad “O what is that sound which so thrills the ear,” which demonstrates that despite the wife’s ignorance towards the actions of the “scarlet soldiers,” it is explicit that their goal, ultimately, is to control the civilians. The historical ambiguity behind the alliterative “scarlet soldiers,” alludes to the British colonial soldiers, who invaded and took control over various continents. Nice contextual link.As a result, Auden utilises this historical allusion to foreshadow to the reader, despite the ambiguity of motivations of the impeding soldiers, their objective will result in the capture of the civilians. This is showing what we learn about the text; but what do we learn about the ideas you mentioned in your introduction generally? This is confirmed in the truncated sentence “And now they are running,” highlighting the foreboding fear of the domineering soldiers, the residents experience. Again, very text focused here. This fear and uncertainty of the civilians at the actions of these soldiers, is further accentuated by the utilisation of rhyming couplets in, “O its the gate where they’re turning, turning… And their eyes are burning,” exemplifying to the audience the impending nature of the omnipresent soldiers and as a result, the suppression of these individuals under their regime. What does this show the audience about oppression in general? We don't care about the characters specifically; what do we learn about the themes! Similarly, mirroring the “scarlet soldiers,” unity and ambiguity is “Spain,” which illustrates that despite the numerous identities and motivations of people joining either the Republican or Nationalist Armies, their final objective is to ultimately take over Spain. Smooth transition to the other text; the semi-integrated approach is working well for you. The metaphor of the super powers in the late 1930s as “the shark…the tiger…the robin.. Intervene,” signifies the varying, “nations combining each cry,” to involve themselves in the Spanish Civil war. Thus, the personification of the nations giving a cry, illustrates how various countries each with their own ambiguous motivation, joined either the Republican or Nationalist parties to assist either group in ascertaining power and control over Spain. Thus demonstrating ______ about political motivations. Likewise, Krammer’s Guess who’s coming to Dinner, highlights how the ambiguous emotions of Matt Drayton, ultimately controls the outcome of John Prentice (a black man) and his daughter, Joey’s (a white woman) relationship. Drayton’s initial shock and ire expressed in his stunned body language, at the news of the interracial couple’s engagement is later juxtaposed with his willingness to accept the couple when he symbolically tastes and enjoys a new ice-cream flavour that he had been previously against. Retell. His approval of the new ice cream flavour, is symbolic of his changing perspective towards the relationship between Prentice and Joey going from resentful to accepting. Retell. However, Drayton returns to his former prejudiced perspective, after an unfortunate encounter with a black man, thus refuelling his prejudiced attitudes. Retell. Despite Drayton’s conflicting emotions his final goal is to control the relationship Joey is in, ultimately “wanting the best for my daughter.” Retell - Could a casual observer who knows the plot of your text give you this info? If so, then you can remove it! Thus, Drayton’s conflicting and ambiguous emotions towards the impending marriage ultimately becomes a deciding factor in whether or not Joey and Prentice get married. Conclusively, despite the ambiguity behind and individuals or governments actions, control ultimately is the goal. You have excellent textual knowledge and great techniques; but you need to do more with it. Right now you are telling me what the techniques show us about the text, you need to show us what they reveal about the themes in general!
However, distinctive political motivations may also ultimately result in control. I'd like more detail here to properly distinguish this from the last paragraph; since they both consider control you need to make the differences clear (I know they are there). Despite the numerous nations supporting Republican or Nationalist groups, collectively having ambiguous political motivations; individually each nation harboured clear political agenda’s which could not be fulfilled until their respective party took control. Retell. Auden’s Spain highlights this concept, in which government propaganda evoked fear within individuals causing them “to respond to the medicine ad.” This is symbolic of the pre WW2 governments creating motivations within people (in this case fear), to galvanise civilians into joining the Spanish civil war. Nice contextual consideration! Hence, by using specific motivations such as fear, authority figures are able to control the actions of individuals, establishing control as their definitive goal. THIS is framed as more generally/universally relevant, good! But what techniques communicate this? Moreover, individuals as a consequence of this indoctrination become mindless replicas, fulfilling the governments desires, as “our faces, the institute face… are projecting their greed as the firing squad and the bomb.” Thus, despite individuals who are motivated to join the war as result of fear and to protect their values, the ultimate outcome, is the transformation of these motivations into the government’s own aspirations. These are really good concepts; show me how they are brought out with techniques! The symbolism of the “institute face” acts as a metaphor for the power exerted by authorities over individuals, ultimately causing civilians to lose sense of morality as they become enveloped in mindless violence to achieve the government’s own distinctive goal, utilising “the firing squad and the bomb,” to control the people. Good, you are still ever so slightly too text focused, but this is a definite improvement over your first paragraph! Similarly, despite appearing to have ambiguous political goals in the civilian’s perspective, the soldiers in “O what is that sound which so thrills the ear” uniformly and succinctly strive to work together to achieve their independent goal of domination and assimilation over the civilians. The homogeneous political motivations of the soldiers is made apparent in “Why are they suddenly wheeling wheeling/Perhaps a change in their orders, dear.” Retell. Thus, the third person language in “they” and “their,” illustrate the soldier’s collectiveness and their identical motivation to fight for the same cause . Retell, notice how you are just telling me what I learn about the characters? Their ultimate goal of control is demonstrated in the soldiers final actions in the rhyming couplets “O its’s broken the lock and splintered the door… Their boots are heavy on the floor,” thus signifying that the homogenous desire of the soldiers, is to ultimately achieve their goal of control over the civilians. The symbolism of the “broken…lock” and “splintered door” is demonstrative of the invasion of the soldiers into the private lives of the couple and hence, their ultimate subordination to the soldiers ideology. You've got SO many techniques, like I'm seriously impressed to that regard. Massive props. Likewise, Joeys distinct political motivation of wanting marriage between her and Prentice, stems from her desire to ultimately have control over her relationship, rather than her parents dictating who she should and should not marry. Retell. Joey does not understand her parents unexpected prejudice attitude as she believes them be “lifelong fighting liberals who loathe racial prejudice.” Moreover, when she encounters further disapproval for her interracial relationship, from Tillie her black maid, she adamantly condemns her, telling her “I’d thought you’d be the last person to have such a silly attitude.” Additionally, when confronted by her parents about her engagement, Joey sees “no problem,” further demonstrating to her parents of her desire and goal to be with Prentice, despite their attitudes as she sees nothing wrong with with Prentice. Retell - You are just restating plot details. These will not earn you any marks! When confronted with the fear that her father will not accept her relationship, Joey’s motivation to marry Prentice, ultimately results in taking control of her relationship as she in a decisive tone tells him “We’ll run away and elope,” rather than be separated from him. Retell, you are just giving me the story and none of your own ideas! Therefore, control is the ultimate goal of those individuals and governments who harbour clear political motivations.
Ultimately, control is the ultimate goal of individuals in the authoritative positions. Motivations of these authorities may either be distinct or ambiguous, but ultimately domination over relationships in Guess who’s coming to Dinner, civilians in “O what is that sound which so thrills the ear” or society in “Spain,” becomes their final objective. A slightly too short conclusion, try adding some further detail. Restate what you've discussed int he paragraphs and formulate a more definitive conclusion. Thus, the audience learns ... :)
Regardless of an individual’s ignorance towards the motivations behind ambiguous political climates, hegemonic ideologies, nevertheless, aim to dominate and assimilate individuals to the prevailing political dogma. Awesome conceptual introduction. This is illustrated in Auden’s ballad “O what is that sound which so thrills the ear,” which demonstrates that despite the wife’s ignorance towards the actions of the “scarlet soldiers,” it is explicit that their goal, ultimately, is to control the civilians. The historical ambiguity behind the alliterative “scarlet soldiers,” alludes to the British colonial soldiers, who invaded and took control over various continents. Nice contextual link.
However, distinctive political motivations may also ultimately result in control. I'd like more detail here to properly distinguish this from the last paragraph; since they both consider control you need to make the differences clear (I know they are there). Despite the numerous nations supporting Republican or Nationalist groups, collectively having ambiguous political motivations; individually each nation harboured clear political agenda’s which could not be fulfilled until their respective party took control. Retell. Auden’s Spain highlights this concept, in which government propaganda evoked fear within individuals causing them “to respond to the medicine ad.” This is symbolic of the pre WW2 governments creating motivations within people (in this case fear), to galvanise civilians into joining the Spanish civil war. Nice contextual consideration! Hence, by using specific motivations such as fear, authority figures are able to control the actions of individuals, establishing control as their definitive goal. THIS is framed as more generally/universally relevant, good! But what techniques communicate this? Moreover, individuals as a consequence of this indoctrination become mindless replicas, fulfilling the governments desires, as “our faces, the institute face… are projecting their greed as the firing squad and the bomb.” Thus, despite individuals who are motivated to join the war as result of fear and to protect their values, the ultimate outcome, is the transformation of these motivations into the government’s own aspirations. These are really good concepts; show me how they are brought out with techniques! The symbolism of the “institute face” acts as a metaphor for the power exerted by authorities over individuals, ultimately causing civilians to lose sense of morality as they become enveloped in mindless violence to achieve the government’s own distinctive goal, utilising “the firing squad and the bomb,” to control the people. Good, you are still ever so slightly too text focused, but this is a definite improvement over your first paragraph! Similarly, despite appearing to have ambiguous political goals in the civilian’s perspective, the soldiers in “O what is that sound which so thrills the ear” uniformly and succinctly strive to work together to achieve their independent goal of domination and assimilation over the civilians. The homogeneous political motivations of the soldiers is made apparent in “Why are they suddenly wheeling wheeling/Perhaps a change in their orders, dear.” Retell. Thus, the third person language in “they” and “their,” illustrate the soldier’s collectiveness and their identical motivation to fight for the same cause . Retell, notice how you are just telling me what I learn about the characters? Their ultimate goal of control is demonstrated in the soldiers final actions in the rhyming couplets “O its’s broken the lock and splintered the door… Their boots are heavy on the floor,” thus signifying that the homogenous desire of the soldiers, is to ultimately achieve their goal of control over the civilians. The symbolism of the “broken…lock” and “splintered door” is demonstrative of the invasion of the soldiers into the private lives of the couple and hence, their ultimate subordination to the soldiers ideology. You've got SO many techniques, like I'm seriously impressed to that regard. Massive props. Likewise, Joeys distinct political motivation of wanting marriage between her and Prentice, stems from her desire to ultimately have control over her relationship, rather than her parents dictating who she should and should not marry. Retell. Joey does not understand her parents unexpected prejudice attitude as she believes them be “lifelong fighting liberals who loathe racial prejudice.” Moreover, when she encounters further disapproval for her interracial relationship, from Tillie her black maid, she adamantly condemns her, telling her “I’d thought you’d be the last person to have such a silly attitude.” Additionally, when confronted by her parents about her engagement, Joey sees “no problem,” further demonstrating to her parents of her desire and goal to be with Prentice, despite their attitudes as she sees nothing wrong with with Prentice. Retell - You are just restating plot details. These will not earn you any marks! When confronted with the fear that her father will not accept her relationship, Joey’s motivation to marry Prentice, ultimately results in taking control of her relationship as she in a decisive tone tells him “We’ll run away and elope,” rather than be separated from him. Retell, you are just giving me the story and none of your own ideas! Therefore, control is the ultimate goal of those individuals and governments who harbour clear political motivations.
Ultimately, control is the ultimate goal of individuals in the authoritative positions. Motivations of these authorities may either be distinct or ambiguous, but ultimately domination over relationships in Guess who’s coming to Dinner, civilians in “O what is that sound which so thrills the ear” or society in “Spain,” becomes their final objective. A slightly too short conclusion, try adding some further detail. Restate what you've discussed int he paragraphs and formulate a more definitive conclusion. Thus, the audience learns ... :)
I have to commend you before I say anything; you pack an insane amount of techniques into your writing. Like, seriously impressive. Well done there!! ;D
My main comment for this essay stems directly from that massive strength; what you do WITH those quotes and techniques. Right now you are explaining what the techniques show us about the text, the characters, and the themes within the text. But this isn't as relevant for a comparative study where we consider multiple texts and characters; how are the ideas still relevant then? That's what you need to explore; what the techniques show the responder about the themes, WITHOUT relying on characters or plot.
For example, The composer's use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience _____________ about the idea of oppression. No reference to plot/character, purely, "The composer uses this technique to achieve this." No more, no less.
Of course there are other strengths; great contextual recognition and I'm actually a fan of the structure! You could explore breaking each paragraph in half and doing a block response, this should be easy since your essay is only semi-integrated. Not mandatory, just an idea.
Other weaknesses also exist. You could hit the comparative aspect a little more, and at times your concepts weren't as clear as possible. But focus on my main comment first: That will get you the most marks! :)
Post by: lha on October 09, 2016, 07:06:44 am
Hey lha! Your essay is attached with feedback throughout, you know the drill ;)SpoilerAlfred Tennyson’s poetry, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River (1978) initially appear intertextually dissimilar due to divergent contexts and medium. Beyond this artificial divide, however, the texts share a complementary examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness; the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century serving to strengthen the audiences perceptions of this nexus when viewed in tandem, rather than weaken it. This isn't how I'd typically start a Module A essay; but it works really well! I'd like to see some more detail about the concepts of truth and happiness though. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principle concept being portrayed; the role of truthful self-reflection in allowing the main characters to achieve ultimate happiness. What is the relevance of this concept universally? It can't just rely on the characters! This process is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to achieve happiness and find truth from their past. A good introduction! Slightly too text focused, remember that your ideas should stand separate to text specifics; point to your texts as examples, don't rely on them.
This examination of truth by Tennyson and Anderson is primarily explored through the lens of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of women within them. Don't use "This" in an introductory sentence, particularly the first one. It is the start of a new idea. Good concept though! In Tirra Lirra by the River,for example, the chronological proximity of the societal context of Australia and England during the 1970s and post WWII is critical to the progression of the novel. Anderson’s characterisation of Nora represents her as a complex and sophisticated woman with an artistic temperament, creating an intertextual connection between her and Tennyson’s creative poetic style. Nora’s disparate personality conveyed through her characterisation as “a backward and innocent girl”, contrasts the contemporarily traditional archetype of womanhood in the 1940s. What technique achieves this characterisation? These arbitrary gender roles are further satirised through the high modality of Colin’s declarative statement, “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasising the dominate role of men during the WWII era. What does a modern audience think of this? Moreover, “Colin won’t let me”, expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through diction, further reinforcing these gender restrictions and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness. Technique? Thus, Anderson’s realistic incorporation of the truthful gender roles that affected women’s happiness in the olden context, in Nora’s life, makes the responder ponder about whether it is based on a true story, skillfully exploring the concept of truth.This last sentence is a little unclear; I get what you are saying, you are challenging our assumptions on gender roles. Try to express this more clearly though!
Similarly, Tennyson has created an allegory in “The Lady of Shalott” which acts as his case against established gender roles that repressed happiness in the Victorian era. Good. The use of iambic tetrameter creates a sense of urgency, expressing Tennyson’s passion for the issue and thus, his truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. Nice consideration of form. The protagonist is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the truth of the Victorian context, the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. This subtle reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora. Hitting the comparative element of this essay quite nicely, well done! Through Anderson and Tennyson’s realistic embodiment of the truth in each context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative effect that they have on a female’s happiness. This paragraph has more conviction in its analysis, nicely done!
Memories are subjective, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. What does the first phrase have to do with the second? This seems a little shaky to me. The metaphor in Nora’s “careful[ness] not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side”represents her high selectivity of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing,indicating to the readers that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WWII time that essentially caused her pain. You can trim textual details as I've done and focus completely on the impact on the responder! This is more efficient! Furthermore, the high modality in “manipulat[ing] the globe myself” emphasises her strong bias that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness. Retell. In conjunction, diction used for the self-realisation in, “at last I had begun to admit the truth – that my greatest need was not for a baby”, allows Nora’s admittance of the truth,and thus the ability to find a solution to her sadness, expressing to the readers the high value of subjective memories in creating happiness. A little too text specific still; don't give me any unnecessary detail on the text; that last phrase was the important bit. Anderson strongly asserts the significance of subjective memories by giving her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness. Again, good paragraph! A little too much textual detail that you can trim!
Correspondingly, expressed by Tennyson to communicate a significant truth; the mourning rituals which epitomised an individual’s time of passing in the Victorian era, were the memories that the protagonist obtained of his loved one that helped him in grieving. A little too retell-focused for a conceptual statement here. In spite of the pain felt by the protagonist in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual death of his loved one, remembering them truthfully provides comfort. Retell. The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing of a recent event, juxtaposing the title, which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. This adeptly promotes Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has for happiness suggesting that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving. Nice! A little unbalanced with your other text though, notice the length difference? Normally not a huge issue but in comparative you want to be as even as possible!
Furthermore, in “In Memoriam”, the repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “the long unlovely street”, a symbol to the audience of the distressingly truthful memories that have to be confronted in order to lament the absence of a friend. Remember to introduce every paragraph; it's the beginning of a new idea! Anaphora in the phrase “ring out” draws an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles, symbolizing the positive effect of recalling factual memories of his friend; proficiently sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan them in the Victorian context, to his audience. Nice consideration of audience. Furthermore, through “thro’ truths in manhood darkly join”, Tennyson utilizes religious imagery to present the dichotomous relationship between truth and ignorance, making it relatable to people of that religious time, thus allowing an easier understanding of Tennyson’s values amongst the audience. Excellent! Thing of brilliance. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson. Some really good ideas in this paragraph, but it isn't clear what you are discussing. That is due to the lack of an introduction.
Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts. They aid to enhance the reader’s understanding of the negative effect of discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow further understanding of the truth and the attainment of happiness. The composers’ analysis of these axiological values accommodate the contextual atmosphere for a comprehensive recognition of the protagonist’s feelings and actions, further assisting a deeper understanding of truth and happiness investigated by Tennyson and Anderson. Quick, efficient and solid conclusion, good work!
Another great essay lha! Some great analysis throughout, excellent comparative elements, and well organised into distinct sections (except a few missing intros/conclusions!). I indicated a few things to think about when trimming words (and probably trimmed about 30 myself); the key is to avoid unnecessary textual detail. In several places you tell me what we learn about the text, and what we learn about the theme. This is great, but we only need the latter!! Have a read of my comments to see where I've removed some things and try and apply my reasoning elsewhere! :)
Minor comments throughout; some extra conceptual clarity in your introduction and occasionally in your response, some consideration of the modern responder and what we gain from the use of a technique, and making sure you have a balance; see the comments for details. That said, the skeleton here is rock solid and I think you should be really confident!! Right now I'd put this in the Band 5 range well adapted; some more cut and polish (particularly to do with conceptual clarity) over the next few days should slot it into that Band 6 range you are gunning for! :)
Thanks Jamon! You're a legend! Honestly im really nervous for the exam and even though no matter what i do i wont be able to get rid of all of these nerves, your feedback is helping a lot!
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 11:10:35 am
Hey, here is my P&P and LTA essay. This module always manages to trigger tears as i find my expression goes a bit weird when im trying to incorporate context and my arguement (especially in topic sentences).
But i will seriously appreciate the feedback, as this is a whole new essay, as in it has never been read by a teacher. I decided to scrap my old essay, so just a warning that its probably a little rough around the edges.
Thank you in advance!
Hey Mel! Check out my comments below :) I was a little confused about which parts of the word doc your actual essay was (lots of random quotes and analysis at the end, which I ignored).
Original Essay
Spoiler
Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’, is a manifestation of the values and attitudes of its time. Through the protagonist, Austen challenges society’s superficial perspective of accomplished, by placing emphasis on the education of self, through discernment. Consecutively, she criticises the limitations imposed on women, thus stresses the importance of maintaining one’s personal integrity to challenge such restrictions and achieve personal fulfilment. In Fay Weldon’s ‘Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen’ these values are supported through their reconceptualization in a postmodern society, permitting further insight through the emphasis on education and reading.
Discernment is of great importance, as it allows one to strengthen their understanding of self and those in society. Austen challenges society's superficial perspective of the accomplished woman through Elizabeth, demonstrating that true education lies in being more discerning with one’s perceptions, allowing her to form good relations with Mr Darcy. Austen esteems Elizabeth, as she values a moral education, unlike Mary who adheres to the limiting principles of female education, “You are a young lady of deep reflection, I know, and read great books… Mary wished to say something very sensible but knew not how.” Austen’s disparaging tone in the authorial intrusion, denounces the shallow idea of accomplished, a woman who has “a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing...” As despite Mary being considered such, her underdeveloped values and moral education leave her with nothing of worth to say. Thus Elizabeth is juxtaposed as a woman who is educated in her own right, becoming a symbol of true education, by her valuing of discernment.
Elizabeth's judgement is only erroneous when believing Wickham’s false story, “though I have never liked him, I had not thought so ill… such inhumanity as this!” Despite her tone of disbelief, the characterisation shows she trusts Wickham, due to her original prejudices against D’Arcy, leading to an inaccurate judgement of his genuine nature. The prompt in Elizabeth’s education of self, stems from Darcy’s illuminating letter, learning the truth about Wickham, and how ill her judgement had been “how despicably I have acted! I, who have prided myself on my discernment! …have courted prepossession. Till this moment I never knew myself.” The repetition of “I” emphasizes her realization, that it was her own misplaced feelings that deceived her judgement, making her just as prejudiced and prideful as her society, thus unable to form authentic relations. Her true growth lies in her changed perspective, “He has no improper pride. He is perfectly amiable” in which her assured diction proves she has educated herself via discernment, and only this true education is rewarded with a successful relationship with Darcy. Weldon makes this clear, “Elizabeth Bennet brought neither land nor money to Darcy… she brought intelligence, vigour and honesty”. Thus, Austen denounces the importance society holds on superficial accomplishments, stressing that moral learnings like discernment are more beneficial.
Weldon re-contextualizes the importance of discernment, presenting it as the true form of education obtainable through reading, as it allows one to broaden their awareness of society. Aunt Fay criticises the way literature at university shapes superficial individuals who “know more but understand less… have more information and less wisdom” The juxtaposition between similar ideas, highlights the values one is compromising by conforming to superficial modern day lessons, and thus undermining one's true education. Aunt Fay teaches Alice the importance of Literature with a capital L, elevating her from her limited views into a respectable individual "you must read Alice.” Weldon sympathises with Darcy's view that there is “improvement of her mind by extensive reading,” echoing his imperative tone to teach Alice that perusal improves judgement, thus allows one to broaden their mind and understanding of humanity. This continual mentoring helps Alice understand that “to be able to visit the City of invention at will... is all, really, education is about.” The metaphorical city that connects everyone, allows her to appreciate the education available to modern women, thus strengthen her acuity.
When an individual values their integrity, they are empowered by their decisions, allowing them to transcend prevailing societal restrictions. Elizabeth’s characterization conveys the importance of self-integrity, as despite her gender limiting her during the 19th Century, she refuses to compromise her honour. This un-yielding moral voice is encapsulated in “You shall not, for the sake of one individual, change the meaning of principle and integrity, nor endeavour to persuade yourself or me, that selfishness is prudence and insensibility of danger, security for happiness.” The firm tone emphasises the need to be conscious of one’s values to stand independently, whilst the cumulative listing creates a strong sense of consciousness that indicates these values are embedded within Elizabeth, thus will always be reflected in her decisions regardless of the circumstance. She never succumbs to an unequal marriage, and when aware of the context of Austen’s time, as Weldon bluntly states “You could become a prostitute - 70'000 they reckon… Or you could marry," readers are able to recognise Elizabeth’s courage, to risk her security to maintain her self-respect. This is furthered by her father, “I know that you could neither be happy nor respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband.” The linguistic conviction, re-affirms Elizabeth has chosen her own correct path, rejecting Mr Collins, and only accepting Mr D’Arcy when she is assured of his love. She selects a marriage based on equality of minds that will guarantee her happiness. In juxtaposition, Charlotte adheres to the dominant discourses of their society, choosing a pragmatic marriage to Mr Collins, “I ask only a comfortable home; and considering Mr. Collins's character, connections, and situation… I am convinced that my chance of happiness … is as fair as most." The justification in Charlotte’s tone, highlights the limited options women had. However Austen does not condemn Charlotte, as she adhered to her own principles, and managed Mr Collin’s flaw for the sake of her happiness. Modern readers like Aunt Fay can understand “it did for her, though it would not do for Elizabeth” due to their varying values and Elizabeth’s refusal to sacrifice her happiness for social elevation. Thus, Austen shows how valuing one’s integrity can lead to happiness and empowerment.
Weldon also portrays the value of self-integrity as being necessary, by accentuating that staying true to oneself is the best means of not only writing, but contemporary living. She criticises the submissive role Alice’s mum plays in her marriage, “Enid must set the dough... so Edward can have his fresh rolls in the morning." The imagery alluding to compliance holds a negative connotation, emphasising to Alice that she should uphold her integrity to avoid a life of pleasing others. Fay stresses that even in the rigid times of Austen, Elizabeth was able to uphold her integrity, and thus Alice must take advantage of today’s more permitting society. She accomplishes this by learning to stay true to herself, especially when writing, “Be wary of anyone who tries to teach you to write. Do it yourself. Stand-alone… or you will never be satisfied.” The short sentences place emphasis on the important, yet ironic words, as Fay has previously tried to instruct Alice on her novel. However Alice understands the importance of maintaining her integrity, thus despite her Aunt’s criticism, she writes a bestselling novel. Thus Alice’s independence of spirit gives her the “courage… to swim against the stream” and prevail in her society.
1224
Discernment is of great importance, as it allows one to strengthen their understanding of self and those in society. Austen challenges society's superficial perspective of the accomplished woman through Elizabeth, demonstrating that true education lies in being more discerning with one’s perceptions, allowing her to form good relations with Mr Darcy. Austen esteems Elizabeth, as she values a moral education, unlike Mary who adheres to the limiting principles of female education, “You are a young lady of deep reflection, I know, and read great books… Mary wished to say something very sensible but knew not how.” Austen’s disparaging tone in the authorial intrusion, denounces the shallow idea of accomplished, a woman who has “a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing...” As despite Mary being considered such, her underdeveloped values and moral education leave her with nothing of worth to say. Thus Elizabeth is juxtaposed as a woman who is educated in her own right, becoming a symbol of true education, by her valuing of discernment.
Elizabeth's judgement is only erroneous when believing Wickham’s false story, “though I have never liked him, I had not thought so ill… such inhumanity as this!” Despite her tone of disbelief, the characterisation shows she trusts Wickham, due to her original prejudices against D’Arcy, leading to an inaccurate judgement of his genuine nature. The prompt in Elizabeth’s education of self, stems from Darcy’s illuminating letter, learning the truth about Wickham, and how ill her judgement had been “how despicably I have acted! I, who have prided myself on my discernment! …have courted prepossession. Till this moment I never knew myself.” The repetition of “I” emphasizes her realization, that it was her own misplaced feelings that deceived her judgement, making her just as prejudiced and prideful as her society, thus unable to form authentic relations. Her true growth lies in her changed perspective, “He has no improper pride. He is perfectly amiable” in which her assured diction proves she has educated herself via discernment, and only this true education is rewarded with a successful relationship with Darcy. Weldon makes this clear, “Elizabeth Bennet brought neither land nor money to Darcy… she brought intelligence, vigour and honesty”. Thus, Austen denounces the importance society holds on superficial accomplishments, stressing that moral learnings like discernment are more beneficial.
Weldon re-contextualizes the importance of discernment, presenting it as the true form of education obtainable through reading, as it allows one to broaden their awareness of society. Aunt Fay criticises the way literature at university shapes superficial individuals who “know more but understand less… have more information and less wisdom” The juxtaposition between similar ideas, highlights the values one is compromising by conforming to superficial modern day lessons, and thus undermining one's true education. Aunt Fay teaches Alice the importance of Literature with a capital L, elevating her from her limited views into a respectable individual "you must read Alice.” Weldon sympathises with Darcy's view that there is “improvement of her mind by extensive reading,” echoing his imperative tone to teach Alice that perusal improves judgement, thus allows one to broaden their mind and understanding of humanity. This continual mentoring helps Alice understand that “to be able to visit the City of invention at will... is all, really, education is about.” The metaphorical city that connects everyone, allows her to appreciate the education available to modern women, thus strengthen her acuity.
When an individual values their integrity, they are empowered by their decisions, allowing them to transcend prevailing societal restrictions. Elizabeth’s characterization conveys the importance of self-integrity, as despite her gender limiting her during the 19th Century, she refuses to compromise her honour. This un-yielding moral voice is encapsulated in “You shall not, for the sake of one individual, change the meaning of principle and integrity, nor endeavour to persuade yourself or me, that selfishness is prudence and insensibility of danger, security for happiness.” The firm tone emphasises the need to be conscious of one’s values to stand independently, whilst the cumulative listing creates a strong sense of consciousness that indicates these values are embedded within Elizabeth, thus will always be reflected in her decisions regardless of the circumstance. She never succumbs to an unequal marriage, and when aware of the context of Austen’s time, as Weldon bluntly states “You could become a prostitute - 70'000 they reckon… Or you could marry," readers are able to recognise Elizabeth’s courage, to risk her security to maintain her self-respect. This is furthered by her father, “I know that you could neither be happy nor respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband.” The linguistic conviction, re-affirms Elizabeth has chosen her own correct path, rejecting Mr Collins, and only accepting Mr D’Arcy when she is assured of his love. She selects a marriage based on equality of minds that will guarantee her happiness. In juxtaposition, Charlotte adheres to the dominant discourses of their society, choosing a pragmatic marriage to Mr Collins, “I ask only a comfortable home; and considering Mr. Collins's character, connections, and situation… I am convinced that my chance of happiness … is as fair as most." The justification in Charlotte’s tone, highlights the limited options women had. However Austen does not condemn Charlotte, as she adhered to her own principles, and managed Mr Collin’s flaw for the sake of her happiness. Modern readers like Aunt Fay can understand “it did for her, though it would not do for Elizabeth” due to their varying values and Elizabeth’s refusal to sacrifice her happiness for social elevation. Thus, Austen shows how valuing one’s integrity can lead to happiness and empowerment.
Weldon also portrays the value of self-integrity as being necessary, by accentuating that staying true to oneself is the best means of not only writing, but contemporary living. She criticises the submissive role Alice’s mum plays in her marriage, “Enid must set the dough... so Edward can have his fresh rolls in the morning." The imagery alluding to compliance holds a negative connotation, emphasising to Alice that she should uphold her integrity to avoid a life of pleasing others. Fay stresses that even in the rigid times of Austen, Elizabeth was able to uphold her integrity, and thus Alice must take advantage of today’s more permitting society. She accomplishes this by learning to stay true to herself, especially when writing, “Be wary of anyone who tries to teach you to write. Do it yourself. Stand-alone… or you will never be satisfied.” The short sentences place emphasis on the important, yet ironic words, as Fay has previously tried to instruct Alice on her novel. However Alice understands the importance of maintaining her integrity, thus despite her Aunt’s criticism, she writes a bestselling novel. Thus Alice’s independence of spirit gives her the “courage… to swim against the stream” and prevail in her society.
1224
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’, is a manifestation of the values and attitudes of its time. This is an extremely broad first statement; perhaps try to zone in a little bit on something a bit more specific. Your opening line needs to be powerful and unique! Through the protagonist, Austen challenges society’s superficial perspective of accomplished, by placing emphasis on the education of self, through discernment. This is great; work in some of these specific themes in the first sentence. Consecutively, Simultaneously? she criticises the limitations imposed on women, thus stresses the importance of maintaining one’s personal integrity to challenge such restrictions and achieve personal fulfilment. Like you said, the essay is still a little rough, but the concepts are good; just reread this sentence and change some tenses around so it makes a bit more sense. In Fay Weldon’s ‘Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen’ these values are supported through their reconceptualization in a postmodern society, permitting further insight through the emphasis on education and reading. Great introduction. I would add another sentence or two at the end, describing your analysis of a comparison of these texts (this is usually what a band 6 essay will do). Overall, fantastic language and analysis though!
Discernment is of great importance, as it allows one to strengthen their understanding of self and What does this means???? those in society. Austen challenges society's superficial perspective of the accomplished woman through Elizabeth, Don't repeat sentences word for word; find some synonyms. demonstrating that true education lies in being more discerning with one’s perceptions, allowing her to form good relations with Mr Darcy. Austen esteems Elizabeth, as she values a moral education, unlike Mary who adheres to the limiting principles of female education, “You are a young lady of deep reflection, I know, and read great books… Mary wished to say something very sensible but knew not how.” Probably too long of a quote Austen’s disparaging tone in the authorial intrusion, denounces the shallow idea of accomplished, a woman who has “a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing...” As despite Mary being considered such, her underdeveloped values and moral education leave her with nothing of worth to say. Thus Elizabeth is juxtaposed as a woman who is educated in her own right, becoming a symbol of true education, by her valuing of discernment. Your analysis is great, but don't forget that this is an English essay. As such, you need to implement more techniques. Talk about imagery, allusion, hyperbole, etc. etc. etc.
Additionally, I need you to bring the analysis into a broader context; sure, you explain what a certain section of the text means to A CHARACTER, but what does this mean in terms of your thesis? In terms of your themes?
Elizabeth's judgement is only erroneous when believing Wickham’s false story, “though I have never liked him, I had not thought so ill… such inhumanity as this!” Despite her tone of disbelief, the characterisation shows she trusts Wickham, due to her original prejudices against D’Arcy, leading to an inaccurate judgement of his genuine nature. The prompt in Elizabeth’s education of self, stems from Darcy’s illuminating letter, learning the truth about Wickham, and how ill her judgement had been “how despicably I have acted! I, who have prided myself on my discernment! …have courted prepossession. Till this moment I never knew myself.” The repetition of “I” emphasizes her realization, that it was her own misplaced feelings that deceived her judgement, making her just as prejudiced and prideful as her society, thus unable to form authentic relations. Good. See comments about re: bringing this back to an overarching thesis. Her true growth lies in her changed perspective, “He has no improper pride. He is perfectly amiable” in which her assured diction proves she has educated herself via discernment, and only this true education is rewarded with a successful relationship with Darcy. Weldon makes this clear, “Elizabeth Bennet brought neither land nor money to Darcy… she brought intelligence, vigour and honesty”. Thus, Austen denounces the importance society holds on superficial accomplishments, stressing that moral learnings like discernment are more beneficial.
More techniques. Bring it back to your thesis. etc. etc.
Weldon re-contextualizes the importance of discernment, presenting it as the true form of education obtainable through reading, as it allows one to broaden their awareness of society. Aunt Fay criticises the way literature at university shapes superficial individuals who “know more but understand less… have more information and less wisdom” The juxtaposition between similar ideas, highlights the values one is compromising by conforming to superficial modern day lessons, and thus undermining one's true education. Aunt Fay teaches Alice the importance of Literature with a capital L, elevating her from her limited views into a respectable individual "you must read Alice.” Weldon sympathises with Darcy's view that there is “improvement of her mind by extensive reading,” echoing his imperative tone to teach Alice that perusal improves judgement, thus allows one to broaden their mind and understanding of humanity. This continual mentoring helps Alice understand that “to be able to visit the City of invention at will... is all, really, education is about.” The metaphorical city that connects everyone, allows her to appreciate the education available to modern women, thus strengthen her acuity.
I need you to compare the texts a bit more. Use words like 'similarly to...' 'contradictory to...'
When an individual values their integrity, they are empowered by their decisions, allowing them to transcend prevailing societal restrictions. GREAT! These are the sort of broad sentences I need throughout the rest of the essay, so that it becomes less a piece about analysing single quotes, and more about proving an argument through the use of aspects of the text. Elizabeth’s characterization conveys the importance of self-integrity, as despite her gender limiting her during the 19th Century, she refuses to compromise her honour. This un-yielding moral voice is encapsulated in “You shall not, for the sake of one individual, change the meaning of principle and integrity, nor endeavour to persuade yourself or me, that selfishness is prudence and insensibility of danger, security for happiness.” The firm tone emphasises the need to be conscious of one’s values to stand independently, whilst the cumulative listing creates a strong sense of consciousness that indicates these values are embedded within Elizabeth, thus will always be reflected in her decisions regardless of the circumstance. She never succumbs to an unequal marriage, and when aware of the context of Austen’s time, as Weldon bluntly states “You could become a prostitute - 70'000 they reckon… Or you could marry," readers are able to recognise Elizabeth’s courage, to risk her security to maintain her self-respect. This is furthered by her father, “I know that you could neither be happy nor respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband.” The linguistic conviction, re-affirms Elizabeth has chosen her own correct path, rejecting Mr Collins, and only accepting Mr D’Arcy when she is assured of his love. She selects a marriage based on equality of minds that will guarantee her happiness. In juxtaposition, Charlotte adheres to the dominant discourses of their society, choosing a pragmatic marriage to Mr Collins, “I ask only a comfortable home; and considering Mr. Collins's character, connections, and situation… I am convinced that my chance of happiness … is as fair as most." The justification in Charlotte’s tone, highlights the limited options women had. However Austen does not condemn Charlotte, as she adhered to her own principles, and managed Mr Collin’s flaw for the sake of her happiness. Modern readers like Aunt Fay can understand “it did for her, though it would not do for Elizabeth” due to their varying values and Elizabeth’s refusal to sacrifice her happiness for social elevation. Thus, Austen shows how valuing one’s integrity can lead to happiness and empowerment.
You may actually have too many quotes. Focus on analysing quotes in depth; go into actual techniques, not just what they say about the character, discuss what those techniques are meant to portray, and finally attempt to decide what that portrayal has to do with the broader themes.
Weldon also portrays the value of self-integrity as being necessary, by accentuating that staying true to oneself is the best means of not only writing, but contemporary living. She criticises the submissive role Alice’s mum plays in her marriage, “Enid must set the dough... so Edward can have his fresh rolls in the morning." The imagery What kind of imagery? alluding to compliance holds a negative connotation, emphasising to Alice that she should uphold her integrity to avoid a life of pleasing others. Fay stresses that even in the rigid times of Austen, Elizabeth was able to uphold her integrity, and thus Alice must take advantage of today’s more permitting society. She accomplishes this by learning to stay true to herself, especially when writing, “Be wary of anyone who tries to teach you to write. Do it yourself. Stand-alone… or you will never be satisfied.” The Succinct? Staccato? short sentences place emphasis on the important, yet ironic words, as Fay has previously tried to instruct Alice on her novel. However Alice understands the importance of maintaining her integrity, thus despite her Aunt’s criticism, she writes a bestselling novel. Thus Alice’s independence of spirit gives her the “courage… to swim against the stream” and prevail in her society.
I've outlined my overall comments about, but I'll expand on them here. First of all, despite my comments, this is a seriously good textual analysis. You go into a lot of detail, make great conclusions regarding motivations and developments of the characters, and clearly know your shit backwards and forward. So, congratulations for that! There isn't much more work for you to do.
The best way to improve this essay is to have a far clearer thesis. Write out a thesis, in one or two lines, and put that in your introduction. Then, whenever you analyse a quote, whenever you discuss a technique, bring you argument back to the thesis. This is the point of the essay; proving an argument. I don't think you've quite done that in the essay above, but as you say this is basically a first draft, and so that's totally to be expected. Figure out whether your quotes are good by their techniques, not by their ability to develop a plot. If you can't find a concrete technique, or if that technique doesn't support your argument, get rid of it! Put a bit more work into this, and I'm sure you'll smash the essay in the exam :)
Jake
Discernment is of great importance, as it allows one to strengthen their understanding of self and What does this means???? those in society. Austen challenges society's superficial perspective of the accomplished woman through Elizabeth, Don't repeat sentences word for word; find some synonyms. demonstrating that true education lies in being more discerning with one’s perceptions, allowing her to form good relations with Mr Darcy. Austen esteems Elizabeth, as she values a moral education, unlike Mary who adheres to the limiting principles of female education, “You are a young lady of deep reflection, I know, and read great books… Mary wished to say something very sensible but knew not how.” Probably too long of a quote Austen’s disparaging tone in the authorial intrusion, denounces the shallow idea of accomplished, a woman who has “a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing...” As despite Mary being considered such, her underdeveloped values and moral education leave her with nothing of worth to say. Thus Elizabeth is juxtaposed as a woman who is educated in her own right, becoming a symbol of true education, by her valuing of discernment. Your analysis is great, but don't forget that this is an English essay. As such, you need to implement more techniques. Talk about imagery, allusion, hyperbole, etc. etc. etc.
Additionally, I need you to bring the analysis into a broader context; sure, you explain what a certain section of the text means to A CHARACTER, but what does this mean in terms of your thesis? In terms of your themes?
Elizabeth's judgement is only erroneous when believing Wickham’s false story, “though I have never liked him, I had not thought so ill… such inhumanity as this!” Despite her tone of disbelief, the characterisation shows she trusts Wickham, due to her original prejudices against D’Arcy, leading to an inaccurate judgement of his genuine nature. The prompt in Elizabeth’s education of self, stems from Darcy’s illuminating letter, learning the truth about Wickham, and how ill her judgement had been “how despicably I have acted! I, who have prided myself on my discernment! …have courted prepossession. Till this moment I never knew myself.” The repetition of “I” emphasizes her realization, that it was her own misplaced feelings that deceived her judgement, making her just as prejudiced and prideful as her society, thus unable to form authentic relations. Good. See comments about re: bringing this back to an overarching thesis. Her true growth lies in her changed perspective, “He has no improper pride. He is perfectly amiable” in which her assured diction proves she has educated herself via discernment, and only this true education is rewarded with a successful relationship with Darcy. Weldon makes this clear, “Elizabeth Bennet brought neither land nor money to Darcy… she brought intelligence, vigour and honesty”. Thus, Austen denounces the importance society holds on superficial accomplishments, stressing that moral learnings like discernment are more beneficial.
More techniques. Bring it back to your thesis. etc. etc.
Weldon re-contextualizes the importance of discernment, presenting it as the true form of education obtainable through reading, as it allows one to broaden their awareness of society. Aunt Fay criticises the way literature at university shapes superficial individuals who “know more but understand less… have more information and less wisdom” The juxtaposition between similar ideas, highlights the values one is compromising by conforming to superficial modern day lessons, and thus undermining one's true education. Aunt Fay teaches Alice the importance of Literature with a capital L, elevating her from her limited views into a respectable individual "you must read Alice.” Weldon sympathises with Darcy's view that there is “improvement of her mind by extensive reading,” echoing his imperative tone to teach Alice that perusal improves judgement, thus allows one to broaden their mind and understanding of humanity. This continual mentoring helps Alice understand that “to be able to visit the City of invention at will... is all, really, education is about.” The metaphorical city that connects everyone, allows her to appreciate the education available to modern women, thus strengthen her acuity.
I need you to compare the texts a bit more. Use words like 'similarly to...' 'contradictory to...'
When an individual values their integrity, they are empowered by their decisions, allowing them to transcend prevailing societal restrictions. GREAT! These are the sort of broad sentences I need throughout the rest of the essay, so that it becomes less a piece about analysing single quotes, and more about proving an argument through the use of aspects of the text. Elizabeth’s characterization conveys the importance of self-integrity, as despite her gender limiting her during the 19th Century, she refuses to compromise her honour. This un-yielding moral voice is encapsulated in “You shall not, for the sake of one individual, change the meaning of principle and integrity, nor endeavour to persuade yourself or me, that selfishness is prudence and insensibility of danger, security for happiness.” The firm tone emphasises the need to be conscious of one’s values to stand independently, whilst the cumulative listing creates a strong sense of consciousness that indicates these values are embedded within Elizabeth, thus will always be reflected in her decisions regardless of the circumstance. She never succumbs to an unequal marriage, and when aware of the context of Austen’s time, as Weldon bluntly states “You could become a prostitute - 70'000 they reckon… Or you could marry," readers are able to recognise Elizabeth’s courage, to risk her security to maintain her self-respect. This is furthered by her father, “I know that you could neither be happy nor respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband.” The linguistic conviction, re-affirms Elizabeth has chosen her own correct path, rejecting Mr Collins, and only accepting Mr D’Arcy when she is assured of his love. She selects a marriage based on equality of minds that will guarantee her happiness. In juxtaposition, Charlotte adheres to the dominant discourses of their society, choosing a pragmatic marriage to Mr Collins, “I ask only a comfortable home; and considering Mr. Collins's character, connections, and situation… I am convinced that my chance of happiness … is as fair as most." The justification in Charlotte’s tone, highlights the limited options women had. However Austen does not condemn Charlotte, as she adhered to her own principles, and managed Mr Collin’s flaw for the sake of her happiness. Modern readers like Aunt Fay can understand “it did for her, though it would not do for Elizabeth” due to their varying values and Elizabeth’s refusal to sacrifice her happiness for social elevation. Thus, Austen shows how valuing one’s integrity can lead to happiness and empowerment.
You may actually have too many quotes. Focus on analysing quotes in depth; go into actual techniques, not just what they say about the character, discuss what those techniques are meant to portray, and finally attempt to decide what that portrayal has to do with the broader themes.
Weldon also portrays the value of self-integrity as being necessary, by accentuating that staying true to oneself is the best means of not only writing, but contemporary living. She criticises the submissive role Alice’s mum plays in her marriage, “Enid must set the dough... so Edward can have his fresh rolls in the morning." The imagery What kind of imagery? alluding to compliance holds a negative connotation, emphasising to Alice that she should uphold her integrity to avoid a life of pleasing others. Fay stresses that even in the rigid times of Austen, Elizabeth was able to uphold her integrity, and thus Alice must take advantage of today’s more permitting society. She accomplishes this by learning to stay true to herself, especially when writing, “Be wary of anyone who tries to teach you to write. Do it yourself. Stand-alone… or you will never be satisfied.” The Succinct? Staccato? short sentences place emphasis on the important, yet ironic words, as Fay has previously tried to instruct Alice on her novel. However Alice understands the importance of maintaining her integrity, thus despite her Aunt’s criticism, she writes a bestselling novel. Thus Alice’s independence of spirit gives her the “courage… to swim against the stream” and prevail in her society.
I've outlined my overall comments about, but I'll expand on them here. First of all, despite my comments, this is a seriously good textual analysis. You go into a lot of detail, make great conclusions regarding motivations and developments of the characters, and clearly know your shit backwards and forward. So, congratulations for that! There isn't much more work for you to do.
The best way to improve this essay is to have a far clearer thesis. Write out a thesis, in one or two lines, and put that in your introduction. Then, whenever you analyse a quote, whenever you discuss a technique, bring you argument back to the thesis. This is the point of the essay; proving an argument. I don't think you've quite done that in the essay above, but as you say this is basically a first draft, and so that's totally to be expected. Figure out whether your quotes are good by their techniques, not by their ability to develop a plot. If you can't find a concrete technique, or if that technique doesn't support your argument, get rid of it! Put a bit more work into this, and I'm sure you'll smash the essay in the exam :)
Jake
Post by: ssarahj on October 09, 2016, 11:23:07 am
Hi ! I do standard english and just wanted feedback on my module A essays, i wanted to know which essay/related text i should use for my exams will really appreciate your feedback ! :)
My new related text essay
https://docs.google.com/document/d/180XRy1YoHkKuYzX0LdMVQSxJHaRqja44i_lHK9HcIYs/edit?usp=sharing
My old related text essay
https://docs.google.com/document/d/17IWKvCfDSVj-o9sFLVAKK4v2OQ66nEtweKwVXbVt3CU/edit?usp=sharing
Hey Linah.Afridi, welcome to the forums! We'd love to have a look at your essay however we require that you make 30 posts here on ATAR Notes in exchange for each essay marked, simply because as HSC is fast approaching there's a ton of people like you wanting feedback and our markers need to have some sort of buffer to keep up :) :) :)
So in the meantime feel free to check out the forum, maybe hit up these threads to ask questions and have discussions:
Make Your First Post!
English Standard Question Thread: Ask Us Anything!
Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 09, 2016, 11:26:21 am
Hi!
Okay so this is for Mod B (Critical). I study Michael Ondaatje's novel "In The Skin Of A Lion" and any feedback would be so so appreciated because this is my worst essay. It's wordy, it's convoluted, it's narrow (i.e. won't fit a lot of questions) and does it even have an argument? lmao anyhow, thank you for taking the time out to help us!
Neutron
(not sure how the post count thing works for essays but hopefully my abundance of physics questions throughout the year has saved me)
Hey Neutron! It does get tricky with Module B - it is hard to go in with a memorised essay. I had poems for Module B, so I memorised several different sentences worth of analysis for each poem. In your case, with the novel, I think it is also the best approach to memorise analysis (quote, technique, effect) and then manipulate the effect to the question. Having a prepared argument is good, but Module B can be a bit wild with the questions they give you!
Spoiler
IN THE SKIN OF A LION ESSAY
Explorations of omnipotent human issues (NAME WHICHEVER ONE IS IN THE QUESTION) premise the profound integrity within texts, providing profound implications to the audience, which ultimately facilitates transformative maturations. I'm not a fan of using "profound" twice! I'd split this sentence in half by putting a full stop after "texts" :) Michael Ondaatje’s 1987 postmodern novel “In The Skin Of A Lion” challenges the legitimacy of official history through a montage of lifelong encounters by protagonist, Patrick Lewis, who exposes the transcendent exploitations, which bypass amendments in society, ultimately revealing the voices of the marginalised. This last sentence would only be relevant in an exam if you were manipulating the end of it to the question - as it stands currently, it's just a summary of the text, which isn't needed!By revealing such imbalances in authorial power through personalised interactions, the socioeconomic disparity within hegemonic historiography can be innovatively expressed, provoking our unforeseen clarifications regarding such underlying suppressions. Yep, good work with bringing in the impact on an audience!
Imbalances of authorial power within a capitalist society inevitably omit marginalised voices, disputing the authenticity of hegemonic historiography. Great paragraph lead, but you need to be aware that Module B is probably the least predictable of the modules in terms of question and this argument might need to become a sub argument.Set in 1930s Toronto, Ondaatje deconstructs notions of absolute truths through revelations of the societal prejudices underpinning historic fabrication, employing the impassive perspective of Patrick Lewis to interlace the personal stories of the marginalised and ultimately, rekindle their neglected voices. Ondaatje’s initial criticism of singular history within capital hegemony is illustrated through John Berger’s epigraph “never again will a single story be told as though it were the only one”, depicting the novel’s intent of challenging storytelling conventions by foregrounding micro-narration as its primary dictation. However, the irrefutable influence of the wealthy in dictating history is depicted through the photographic motif within the description of the bridge “There are over 4000 photographs from various angles of the bridge in its time-lapse evolution”, Punctuation goes inside the quotation mark :) contrasting the minimal archives of the migrants, further enforcing their historical erasure and the disparity of societal priorities. Moreover, Ondaatje clarifies historical obfuscations of society through Patrick’s epiphany in the Macedonian community through the cubist metaphor “his own life was no longer a single story, but part of a mural”, elucidating his enlightenment regarding the underlying facets of human stories omitted within overarching macro-narratives. Thus, the omission of proletariat representation within historic archives reflects the underlying prejudices underpinning society. Great paragraph! Now I'd be pushing to include the audience a bit more - what is the response from a reader? What perspectives does this bring to the table? And lastly, what does textual integrity have to do with this?
Language barriers inhibit communications between migrants, impeding their personal expressions and ultimately, neglecting their legacy and societal contributions. Great conceptual idea! Variations in dialect intensify the discrimination of the oppressed from Capitalist society, Good work bringing in capitalism again! as depicted during the migrant’s puppet show through the symbolism “he was brought before the authorities, unable to speak their language…he fell to the floor, pleading with gestures” coupled with kinaesthetic imagery to reiterate the systematic oppression experienced by proletariats due to their sociocultural background, exposing the prejudicial mechanisms within hegemonic societies. Great analysis!Moreover, the capacity of story-telling through language in restoring an individual’s legacy is illustrated through the naming motif after Alice’s death “…only a dead name is permanent”, punctuation inside of the quotation mark :) implying the potential of societal recollection in validating and immortalising an individual’s recognition, further reinforcing the detrimental omission of the migrants through communal exclusion. Again - bring in textual integrity and a "perspective"
Thus, foregrounded societal injustices accelerate an individual’s enlightened maturation, as demonstrated within Patrick’s newfound vehemence, empowering his confrontation with Commissioner Harris “Do you know how many of us died in there?” in conjunction with Harris’ contemptuous tone “There was no record kept”, further highlighting the power of expression in initiating confrontations with inherent justices and hence, emphasising the disadvantage imposed upon the silenced migrants. This is a very long sentence! It needs to be cut down :)Through such prominent exposures of transcendent discriminations, Ondaatje intends to clarify its enduring prevalence within modern society to the audience, subsequently kindling the potential for future societal transformations. Hence, the exclusion of migrants from society detrimentally inhibits their welfare, further enforcing the disparity that promotes hegemonic oppressions.
Socioeconomic disparities frequently emerge within capitalist societies, endorsing hierarchal segregations that ultimately abuse the underprivileged. Ondaatje’s reprehension of the proportionality between wealth and an individual’s significance is portrayed within Commissioner Harris’ deliberate hyperbolic introduction through the authorial intrusion “…his expensive tweed coat that cost more than the combined week’s salaries of five bridge workers”, illustrating the economic disparity despite the contributions of the workers. Moreover, Marxist ideologies of alienation is communicated through the commodification of the working class, as illustrated within the metaphor describing the bridge workers as “an extension of a hammer, drill flame”, paralleling their identity with their occupation which ultimately escalates their objectification and devaluation. Excellent analysis! Likewise, socioeconomic division manifest through capitalism, as portrayed within the metaphoric description of multimillionaire Ambrose Small’s “blatant capitalism had clarified the gulf between the rich and the starving”, portraying the heightened segregations following unequal divisions of power and influence. Hence, socioeconomic disparity further fortifies the segregation and exclusion of marginalised individuals.
Conclusively, Ondaatje’s explorations of prevalent and transcendent societal issues through tapestries of interwoven human perceptions profoundly depict the intrinsic corruptions underlying historiography, ultimately catalysing the audience’s insightful clarifications. As such, the synthesis of multifaceted notions investigated throughout the novel unites to fundamentally sustain its textual integrity.
Explorations of omnipotent human issues (NAME WHICHEVER ONE IS IN THE QUESTION) premise the profound integrity within texts, providing profound implications to the audience, which ultimately facilitates transformative maturations. I'm not a fan of using "profound" twice! I'd split this sentence in half by putting a full stop after "texts" :) Michael Ondaatje’s 1987 postmodern novel “In The Skin Of A Lion” challenges the legitimacy of official history through a montage of lifelong encounters by protagonist, Patrick Lewis, who exposes the transcendent exploitations, which bypass amendments in society, ultimately revealing the voices of the marginalised. This last sentence would only be relevant in an exam if you were manipulating the end of it to the question - as it stands currently, it's just a summary of the text, which isn't needed!By revealing such imbalances in authorial power through personalised interactions, the socioeconomic disparity within hegemonic historiography can be innovatively expressed, provoking our unforeseen clarifications regarding such underlying suppressions. Yep, good work with bringing in the impact on an audience!
Imbalances of authorial power within a capitalist society inevitably omit marginalised voices, disputing the authenticity of hegemonic historiography. Great paragraph lead, but you need to be aware that Module B is probably the least predictable of the modules in terms of question and this argument might need to become a sub argument.Set in 1930s Toronto, Ondaatje deconstructs notions of absolute truths through revelations of the societal prejudices underpinning historic fabrication, employing the impassive perspective of Patrick Lewis to interlace the personal stories of the marginalised and ultimately, rekindle their neglected voices. Ondaatje’s initial criticism of singular history within capital hegemony is illustrated through John Berger’s epigraph “never again will a single story be told as though it were the only one”, depicting the novel’s intent of challenging storytelling conventions by foregrounding micro-narration as its primary dictation. However, the irrefutable influence of the wealthy in dictating history is depicted through the photographic motif within the description of the bridge “There are over 4000 photographs from various angles of the bridge in its time-lapse evolution”, Punctuation goes inside the quotation mark :) contrasting the minimal archives of the migrants, further enforcing their historical erasure and the disparity of societal priorities. Moreover, Ondaatje clarifies historical obfuscations of society through Patrick’s epiphany in the Macedonian community through the cubist metaphor “his own life was no longer a single story, but part of a mural”, elucidating his enlightenment regarding the underlying facets of human stories omitted within overarching macro-narratives. Thus, the omission of proletariat representation within historic archives reflects the underlying prejudices underpinning society. Great paragraph! Now I'd be pushing to include the audience a bit more - what is the response from a reader? What perspectives does this bring to the table? And lastly, what does textual integrity have to do with this?
Language barriers inhibit communications between migrants, impeding their personal expressions and ultimately, neglecting their legacy and societal contributions. Great conceptual idea! Variations in dialect intensify the discrimination of the oppressed from Capitalist society, Good work bringing in capitalism again! as depicted during the migrant’s puppet show through the symbolism “he was brought before the authorities, unable to speak their language…he fell to the floor, pleading with gestures” coupled with kinaesthetic imagery to reiterate the systematic oppression experienced by proletariats due to their sociocultural background, exposing the prejudicial mechanisms within hegemonic societies. Great analysis!Moreover, the capacity of story-telling through language in restoring an individual’s legacy is illustrated through the naming motif after Alice’s death “…only a dead name is permanent”, punctuation inside of the quotation mark :) implying the potential of societal recollection in validating and immortalising an individual’s recognition, further reinforcing the detrimental omission of the migrants through communal exclusion. Again - bring in textual integrity and a "perspective"
Thus, foregrounded societal injustices accelerate an individual’s enlightened maturation, as demonstrated within Patrick’s newfound vehemence, empowering his confrontation with Commissioner Harris “Do you know how many of us died in there?” in conjunction with Harris’ contemptuous tone “There was no record kept”, further highlighting the power of expression in initiating confrontations with inherent justices and hence, emphasising the disadvantage imposed upon the silenced migrants. This is a very long sentence! It needs to be cut down :)Through such prominent exposures of transcendent discriminations, Ondaatje intends to clarify its enduring prevalence within modern society to the audience, subsequently kindling the potential for future societal transformations. Hence, the exclusion of migrants from society detrimentally inhibits their welfare, further enforcing the disparity that promotes hegemonic oppressions.
Socioeconomic disparities frequently emerge within capitalist societies, endorsing hierarchal segregations that ultimately abuse the underprivileged. Ondaatje’s reprehension of the proportionality between wealth and an individual’s significance is portrayed within Commissioner Harris’ deliberate hyperbolic introduction through the authorial intrusion “…his expensive tweed coat that cost more than the combined week’s salaries of five bridge workers”, illustrating the economic disparity despite the contributions of the workers. Moreover, Marxist ideologies of alienation is communicated through the commodification of the working class, as illustrated within the metaphor describing the bridge workers as “an extension of a hammer, drill flame”, paralleling their identity with their occupation which ultimately escalates their objectification and devaluation. Excellent analysis! Likewise, socioeconomic division manifest through capitalism, as portrayed within the metaphoric description of multimillionaire Ambrose Small’s “blatant capitalism had clarified the gulf between the rich and the starving”, portraying the heightened segregations following unequal divisions of power and influence. Hence, socioeconomic disparity further fortifies the segregation and exclusion of marginalised individuals.
Conclusively, Ondaatje’s explorations of prevalent and transcendent societal issues through tapestries of interwoven human perceptions profoundly depict the intrinsic corruptions underlying historiography, ultimately catalysing the audience’s insightful clarifications. As such, the synthesis of multifaceted notions investigated throughout the novel unites to fundamentally sustain its textual integrity.
I thought this was going to be crazy and difficult to read and all of the above, but it was actually just fine! You made it sound like chaos! Your analysis is your strongest asset here, it is very profound and you show an excellent understanding of the texts - I have no doubt that you'll be able to take these ideas into an exam and apply them well.
A few things to work on:
-Bring textual integrity in more than just in the introduction, it features heavily in the rubric and will need to exist throughout the essay.
-Bring in "perspectives" more - this module is about responses and perspectives, so it is important that you take on the challenge of talking about how audiences of different capacities could potentially respond to this.
-You've done a great job of keeping it in formal register :)
-Punctuation goes within a quotation mark.
-The conclusion is a bit short. You've got so many ideas, and two sentences for the conclusion. Aim for about 4 sentences in your conclusion - I think this is important for your work and will tie your complicated but great ideas together at the end. Consider one sentence on the essay question, one sentence on the human issues, one sentence about the ideas of capitalism expressed, and then a sentence to tie all of the above together.
You have an EXCELLENT grasp on the text and I think this will continue to be an asset that gives you great marks in the exam. Don't be down on yourself! You've got some excellent stuff in here!!! The last thing is: whatever the essay question is: OWN IT. Take it on, challenge it, express it throughout your response, and don't forget to drop a full stop every now and then! :)
Post by: melprocrastinator on October 09, 2016, 11:42:34 am
Hey Mel! Check out my comments below :) I was a little confused about which parts of the word doc your actual essay was (lots of random quotes and analysis at the end, which I ignored).
Hey Jake,sorry about that, thats just what i used to write the essay.
Hey i know you're saying to bring it back to a thesis, but this essay is already too long haha. Are there any sections you think should go?
I tried to add quotes from when Weldon was talking about Pride and Prejudice, and Elizabeth's decisions. But i got the impression that you didnt really like that? i thought that showed "intertexuality".
Sorry, this module/texts confuses me.
"I would add another sentence or two at the end, describing your analysis of a comparison of these texts (this is usually what a band 6 essay will do)." Could you explain what you mean...
Though seriously, Thankyou so much for taking the time to read and mark it. I hope it didnt give you as much of a headache as it gave me. Do you think its close to the A range?
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 11:50:31 am
Hey Jake,sorry about that, thats just what i used to write the essay.
Hey i know you're saying to bring it back to a thesis, but this essay is already too long haha. Are there any sections you think should go?
I tried to add quotes from when Weldon was talking about Pride and Prejudice, and Elizabeth's decisions. But i got the impression that you didnt really like that? i thought that showed "intertexuality".
Sorry, this module/texts confuses me.
"I would add another sentence or two at the end, describing your analysis of a comparison of these texts (this is usually what a band 6 essay will do)." Could you explain what you mean...
Though seriously, Thankyou so much for taking the time to read and mark it. I hope it didnt give you as much of a headache as it gave me. Do you think its close to the A range?
Hey!
In terms of decreasing the length of your essay, I probably think you could do with cutting back on the number of quotes. If a quote doesn't have a solid technique in it (although obviously intertextuality counts!) then it isn't usually worth talking about it; whilst it's super impressive that you've used so many quotes, I think a better approach is to use fewer and analyse each one in more depth, bringing your analysis back to an overarching thesis. You've done the bulk of the work, so I'm not saying you need to re-analyse anything or anything like that; just direct your quote back to an overall point. That's the key to a top level response!
I definitely liked the quotes you used! They were are really quite good, and the fact that you displayed direct reference to each text by the other is really powerful stuff. However, I think you need to make sure you discuss more 'normal' English techniques; for no other reason than that's what English markers want. I need more metaphor, simile, etc. etc. You already have a few scattered around, but since this is shaping up to be a seriously good essay, I think it's worth considering what an English marker is looking for.
In your introduction, it's obviously important to introduce your text. However, having a sentence like "ultimately, these two texts will reveal...." or "significantly, whilst Weldon offers us an insight into......, Austen suggests that we must inevitably look to.... to find...." etc. etc. Basically, I need a more concrete thesis relating the two (other than that they are directly related in terms of actual content), and this thesis needs to be made clear at the end of an introduction (for an essay as good as this). This honestly just makes the essay easier for you; everytime you analyse a quote, or get lost in discussion, bring argument back to that last sentence.
Didn't give me a headache at all; it's a great piece, particularly for a first draft. With some touching up, and by strengthening and honing a thesis, this is absolutely an A range essay :) Good luck! Let me know if I can clarify anything else :)
Jake
Post by: melprocrastinator on October 09, 2016, 12:14:18 pm
Hey!
In terms of decreasing the length of your essay, I probably think you could do with cutting back on the number of quotes. If a quote doesn't have a solid technique in it (although obviously intertextuality counts!) then it isn't usually worth talking about it; whilst it's super impressive that you've used so many quotes, I think a better approach is to use fewer and analyse each one in more depth, bringing your analysis back to an overarching thesis. You've done the bulk of the work, so I'm not saying you need to re-analyse anything or anything like that; just direct your quote back to an overall point. That's the key to a top level response!
I definitely liked the quotes you used! They were are really quite good, and the fact that you displayed direct reference to each text by the other is really powerful stuff. However, I think you need to make sure you discuss more 'normal' English techniques; for no other reason than that's what English markers want. I need more metaphor, simile, etc. etc. You already have a few scattered around, but since this is shaping up to be a seriously good essay, I think it's worth considering what an English marker is looking for.
In your introduction, it's obviously important to introduce your text. However, having a sentence like "ultimately, these two texts will reveal...." or "significantly, whilst Weldon offers us an insight into......, Austen suggests that we must inevitably look to.... to find...." etc. etc. Basically, I need a more concrete thesis relating the two (other than that they are directly related in terms of actual content), and this thesis needs to be made clear at the end of an introduction (for an essay as good as this). This honestly just makes the essay easier for you; everytime you analyse a quote, or get lost in discussion, bring argument back to that last sentence.
Didn't give me a headache at all; it's a great piece, particularly for a first draft. With some touching up, and by strengthening and honing a thesis, this is absolutely an A range essay :) Good luck! Let me know if I can clarify anything else :)
Jake
Thanks for balancing out the constructive criticism with compliments haha
I was thinking, wouldnt my "thesis" come from the question, thus in the exam it will all come together through the question? Or do you mean i really need to nail my point even before the question. Because at the moment i feel like my thesis/point is """ society does this, but Austen/ Weldon says dont do that, do this instead (have discernment and personal integrity)""
I know what you are saying... after everything, it all has to come back to something. In my head i thought that was the question, and i thought the values were what it came back to. (sorry i feel like im not making sense haha)
Also, "normal" english teachniques are difficult to find in Austen because it is very character driven, so its usually about tone/ characterisation blah blah blah. How many techniques would you reccomend per quote?
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 12:19:00 pm
Thanks for balancing out the constructive criticism with compliments haha
I was thinking, wouldnt my "thesis" come from the question, thus in the exam it will all come together through the question? Or do you mean i really need to nail my point even before the question. Because at the moment i feel like my thesis/point is """ society does this, but Austen/ Weldon says dont do that, do this instead (have discernment and personal integrity)""
I know what you are saying... after everything, it all has to come back to something. In my head i thought that was the question, and i thought the values were what it came back to. (sorry i feel like im not making sense haha)
Also, "normal" english teachniques are difficult to find in Austen because it is very character driven, so its usually about tone/ characterisation blah blah blah. How many techniques would you reccomend per quote?
Look you're absolutely right; the thesis is going to come out of the question. However, you need to leave room for that, and I worry that the number of quotes/length of discussion might allow for the necessary amount of discussion. Try work your essay into answering a specific question, and see how that works out for you. Personally, I had a thesis for my essay before answering the question, and worked my thesis around the question, but how you deal with that is totally up to you.
You're absolutely making sense! If this was a more 'bare bones' essay, with a lot of stuff left to add based on the question, then I wouldn't worry about bringing it back to an argument. The length made me think that this was more of a general, 'polished' essay, which is why I hammered on so much about thesis. If you were planning on strengthening this in the exam room, then that's completely fine!
Whilst one technique is enough per quote, I think you need to expand on what that technique means. They're not just plot devices; what does this evoke in the audience, what does this say about your themes. You certainly do this sometimes, I just recommend doing it everytime.
Jake
Post by: melprocrastinator on October 09, 2016, 12:29:19 pm
Look you're absolutely right; the thesis is going to come out of the question. However, you need to leave room for that, and I worry that the number of quotes/length of discussion might allow for the necessary amount of discussion. Try work your essay into answering a specific question, and see how that works out for you. Personally, I had a thesis for my essay before answering the question, and worked my thesis around the question, but how you deal with that is totally up to you.
You're absolutely making sense! If this was a more 'bare bones' essay, with a lot of stuff left to add based on the question, then I wouldn't worry about bringing it back to an argument. The length made me think that this was more of a general, 'polished' essay, which is why I hammered on so much about thesis. If you were planning on strengthening this in the exam room, then that's completely fine!
Whilst one technique is enough per quote, I think you need to expand on what that technique means. They're not just plot devices; what does this evoke in the audience, what does this say about your themes. You certainly do this sometimes, I just recommend doing it everytime.
Jake
Ok, ill look into cutting some quotes, using more comparitive language and having a general thesis that can be molded to the question.
You're 100% right, i did wany this to be a "polished essay" one that i can take in and manipulate to the question. I know where you are coming from. I hope my arguement will be strengthened by a question and clearer thesis.
Please dont think im challenging your advice/criticism. Im just trying to understand this essay and how to improve it :)
Thanks again
(P.S how many posts do i need for a re-post of the same essay?... is it still 30?)
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 12:38:38 pm
Ok, ill look into cutting some quotes, using more comparitive language and having a general thesis that can be molded to the question.
You're 100% right, i did wany this to be a "polished essay" one that i can take in and manipulate to the question. I know where you are coming from. I hope my arguement will be strengthened by a question and clearer thesis.
Please dont think im challenging your advice/criticism. Im just trying to understand this essay and how to improve it :)
Thanks again
(P.S how many posts do i need for a re-post of the same essay?... is it still 30?)
Aha I don't think you're 'challenging' me! Happy to clarify any comments I make :) Yep, still 30; we've just had so many essays posted!
Jake
Post by: Emerald99 on October 09, 2016, 04:34:11 pm
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 05:45:46 pm
Hi Jamon, Elyse or any other Mods.
Could I please have help with my mod b essay and could you also give me a mark out of 20 (or 15, what ever it is)
Rossetti’s poetry has been described as ‘giving voice to the dilemmas of desire amidst strict social expectations’.
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of Rossetti’s poetry?
Hey Bobby! Sorry for the delay; check out my comments below!
Original Essay
Spoiler
Dilemmas are problems which need to be exploited, being explored in various ways to tackle and surpass their boundaries. Christina Rossetti is a famous poet for explicitly contrasting her poetry between challenges, facing herself and others in their epoch. Poems ‘Goblin Market’ (1862) and ‘In an Artist's Studio’ (1896) discretely communicate personal ideology on religious aspects whilst referring to women and femininity in the nineteenth century. Whilst these themes are common in her poetry it is noticeable on how she gives voice to any person inclined to the same values.
Rossetti is famously known for addressing predicaments which faced society during the 19th century, surpassing social expectations and ethical ideas which are seen in her range of work. ‘Goblin Market’ is an allegorical narrative styled poem, following a fairytale approach providing moral instruction to its Victorian audience relating to many concepts, dwelling on the infamous notion of fallen women. Being a devoted Christian, Rossetti drew upon various ideas which conflict between religious ethical teachings and femininity. ‘Goblin Market’ is an example of how religious connotations relate to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Sinister connotations are present in the quote “Their evil gifts would harm us” (line 64) which alludes to sexual behavior including religious precaution. The constant symbolism of the fruit relates to the forbidden fruit in the Christian Adam and Eve story seen in “for my sake of the fruit forbidden” (475-484), The temptation was also contrasted in the Christian parable, in which the snake like goblins tempt the personas.
Social expectations are a dangerous enigma which causes control and is commonly challenged in various ways. Rossetti’s patriarchal sonnet ‘In an Artist's Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century. As analyzing the text, it is evident that Pre Raphaelite (and Brother) Dante Rossetti was a part of a major significance for this piece, specifically his relationship with Lizzie Siddal. Idealistic values of women comprised of the religious genre centralising around the notion of “fallen women” are highlighted in ‘In an Artist's Studio’. In the reference “A saint, An Angel” in line 7, the use of metaphor reflects the religious ideals of femininity and “purity” synthesising 19 centuries social attitudes towards women as they were either considered to be virginal, saint like or promiscuous. Having a strong Anglican upbringing, it varied in socialization and brought her closer towards women deemed religious outcastes as concerns grew about women suffrage opposed to Christian values.
Working at High Gate, Rossetti first hand was able to witness the unacceptable treatment of women and how they were out casted by society when going against the status quo. Providing influence towards her poetic work, Rossetti was able to address ambiguous issues involved in her life such as the idea of “fallen women”. In line 83 of Goblin Market, a simile compares Laura to a lily by the edge of a “beck” or steam. Lilies symbolize purity but they are also sometimes associated with death. The reference to the “moon” in line 246 uses a metaphor to associated with the danger of temptation relating to women in this society become drug addicts and once again falling into the category of ‘fallen women’. Similarly like ‘In an Artist’s studio’, the speaker is amidst a destructive environment in which the idea of moral regeneration contemporarily bringing the characters out of a “forbidden” and “fallen” phases.
Being an established author, it is said that Rossetti gained an audience of many people who fought the current situation with prospects involving women and their demise into “temptation”. Her experiences with working with her brother and the rest of the pre Raphaelites gave her deeper empathy regarding marginalised women and the injustices they suffered. Visual Imagery is used in line 5 when it says “in opal or in ruby dress” showing the economic content of the variation of paintings on how they are described using this striking image. The quote “Fair as the moon and joyful as the light” uses a romantic simile, to summaries the artist's view of the female model. Symbolism is used frequently in an Artist's studio such as the mirror as it represents reflections of reality and the artist's image of the model, not the person as she actually is. Brothers muse Elizabeth Siddal, represented his own personal views on her and how he would like her to be depicted.
As Christina Rossetti was notorious for her struggles against communal intentions, providing guidance for those looked down upon, she always broke boundaries and surpassed expectations. ‘Goblin Market’ correlates to the idea of “Fallen women” providing moral instruction to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Similarly, ‘In an Artist’s Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century notioning the disrespectful intentions of male artists. By dilemmas being addressed by Rossetti, she radiates a powerful voice which captures the audience alluding them to the injustices involved in their society.
Rossetti is famously known for addressing predicaments which faced society during the 19th century, surpassing social expectations and ethical ideas which are seen in her range of work. ‘Goblin Market’ is an allegorical narrative styled poem, following a fairytale approach providing moral instruction to its Victorian audience relating to many concepts, dwelling on the infamous notion of fallen women. Being a devoted Christian, Rossetti drew upon various ideas which conflict between religious ethical teachings and femininity. ‘Goblin Market’ is an example of how religious connotations relate to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Sinister connotations are present in the quote “Their evil gifts would harm us” (line 64) which alludes to sexual behavior including religious precaution. The constant symbolism of the fruit relates to the forbidden fruit in the Christian Adam and Eve story seen in “for my sake of the fruit forbidden” (475-484), The temptation was also contrasted in the Christian parable, in which the snake like goblins tempt the personas.
Social expectations are a dangerous enigma which causes control and is commonly challenged in various ways. Rossetti’s patriarchal sonnet ‘In an Artist's Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century. As analyzing the text, it is evident that Pre Raphaelite (and Brother) Dante Rossetti was a part of a major significance for this piece, specifically his relationship with Lizzie Siddal. Idealistic values of women comprised of the religious genre centralising around the notion of “fallen women” are highlighted in ‘In an Artist's Studio’. In the reference “A saint, An Angel” in line 7, the use of metaphor reflects the religious ideals of femininity and “purity” synthesising 19 centuries social attitudes towards women as they were either considered to be virginal, saint like or promiscuous. Having a strong Anglican upbringing, it varied in socialization and brought her closer towards women deemed religious outcastes as concerns grew about women suffrage opposed to Christian values.
Working at High Gate, Rossetti first hand was able to witness the unacceptable treatment of women and how they were out casted by society when going against the status quo. Providing influence towards her poetic work, Rossetti was able to address ambiguous issues involved in her life such as the idea of “fallen women”. In line 83 of Goblin Market, a simile compares Laura to a lily by the edge of a “beck” or steam. Lilies symbolize purity but they are also sometimes associated with death. The reference to the “moon” in line 246 uses a metaphor to associated with the danger of temptation relating to women in this society become drug addicts and once again falling into the category of ‘fallen women’. Similarly like ‘In an Artist’s studio’, the speaker is amidst a destructive environment in which the idea of moral regeneration contemporarily bringing the characters out of a “forbidden” and “fallen” phases.
Being an established author, it is said that Rossetti gained an audience of many people who fought the current situation with prospects involving women and their demise into “temptation”. Her experiences with working with her brother and the rest of the pre Raphaelites gave her deeper empathy regarding marginalised women and the injustices they suffered. Visual Imagery is used in line 5 when it says “in opal or in ruby dress” showing the economic content of the variation of paintings on how they are described using this striking image. The quote “Fair as the moon and joyful as the light” uses a romantic simile, to summaries the artist's view of the female model. Symbolism is used frequently in an Artist's studio such as the mirror as it represents reflections of reality and the artist's image of the model, not the person as she actually is. Brothers muse Elizabeth Siddal, represented his own personal views on her and how he would like her to be depicted.
As Christina Rossetti was notorious for her struggles against communal intentions, providing guidance for those looked down upon, she always broke boundaries and surpassed expectations. ‘Goblin Market’ correlates to the idea of “Fallen women” providing moral instruction to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Similarly, ‘In an Artist’s Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century notioning the disrespectful intentions of male artists. By dilemmas being addressed by Rossetti, she radiates a powerful voice which captures the audience alluding them to the injustices involved in their society.
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
Dilemmas are problems which need to be exploited, being explored in various ways to tackle and surpass their boundaries. I see what you're getting at here, but I don't think your tenses quite work. Read the sentence outloud, and see if it makes sense to you. If not, try reword the sentence. Still, a nice opening line! Christina Rossetti is a famous poet You don't need to say that she's a famous poet. At least, don't say so like this; it's too colloquial for explicitly contrasting her poetry between challenges, facing herself and others in their epoch. Poems ‘Goblin Market’ (1862) and ‘In an Artist's Studio’ (1896) discretely communicate personal ideology on religious aspects whilst referring to women and femininity in the nineteenth century. Whilst these themes are common in her poetry it is noticeable on? how she gives voice to any person inclined to the same values. You've touched on, but not quite answered, the question. Whilst a good introduction, you definitely have space to directly answer the question; use words from the quote, agree or disagree etc.
Rossetti is famously known for addressing predicaments which faced society during the 19th century, and for surpassing social expectations and ethical ideas which are seen in her range of work. Good sentence, need more stuff like this ‘Goblin Market’ is an allegorical narrative styled poem, following a fairytale approach in order to provide? You get your tenses mixed up fairly often, so read the sentences out loud to yourself and decide if they work. providing moral instruction to its Victorian audience relating to many concepts, dwelling on the infamous notion of fallen women. Being a devoted Christian, Rossetti drew upon various ideas which conflict between religious ethical teachings and femininity. ‘Goblin Market’ is an example of how religious connotations relate to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Perfect. You're directly answering the question here; use this style more consistently! Sinister connotations are present in the quote “Their evil gifts would harm us” (line 64) don't worry about the line which alludes to sexual behavior including religious precaution Really? Including religious precaution? Is it not contrary to religious beliefs? I think you need to more carefully consider your analysis, before you just launch into it. The constant symbolism of the fruit relates to the forbidden fruit in the Christian Adam and Eve story seen in “for my sake of the fruit forbidden” (475-484), The temptation was also contrasted in the Christian parable, in which the snake like goblins tempt the personas. You do a good job of selecting good quotes and analyzing them correctly. However, you don't make that final step; linking that analysis with the quote. How does the image of the fruit relate to desire versus social expectations? The answer may be obvious to you, but you need to make it obvious to the marker. It's a good base-essay, you just need to focus more on actually answering the questions! I have to say, though, that your selection of quotes/techniques is really top-notch
Social expectations are a dangerous enigma which causes control causes control? This either doesn't make sense, or is way too vague. Again, you need to read over your essay and decide if what you say is clear enough and is commonly challenged in various ways. Again, way too vague. Rossetti’s patriarchal sonnet Is the sonnet patriarchal? ie. does it propagate the patriarch? Or is it attacking the patriarch? Is the Patriarch the subject matter? You can't just throw words in; again, your meaning must be clear. ‘In an Artist's Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century. 'familiar with arts and faced hardships'. You need to be specific. This could be said about any generation; why is this specifically relevant to the Victorian audience? d As analyzing the text, it is evident that Pre Raphaelite (and Brother) Dante Rossetti was were a part of a major significance for this piece this sentence doesn't make sense, specifically his relationship with Lizzie Siddal. Idealistic values of women comprised of the religious genre centralising around the notion of “fallen women” are highlighted in ‘In an Artist's Studio’. Brilliant sentence. Clear, comprehensive, formal. Keep this up. In the reference “A saint, An Angel” in line 7, the use of metaphor reflects the religious ideals of femininity and “purity” synthesising 19 centuries social attitudes towards women as they were either considered to be virginal, saint like or promiscuous. Again, brilliant stuff! You're clearly capable of writing a killer essay, you just need to be more consistent in your style. Having a strong Anglican upbringing, it varied in socialization and brought her closer towards women deemed religious outcastes as concerns grew about women suffrage opposed to Christian values. Okay, but what does this say about the themes in general? What does this say about your thesis? How does this answer your question? Once you analyse the text, you need to bring it back to the overarching reason for this essay. (ps. I'm clearly only writing stuff you need to improve on, rather than everything that's great. It isn't all smoke and brimstone; this is a good essay, which you can morph into a great essay by focusing on your weaknesses and improving upon them.
Working at High Gate, Rossetti first hand was able to witness the unacceptable treatment of women and how they were out casted by society when going against the status quo. Providing influence towards her poetic work, Rossetti was able to address ambiguous issues involved in her life such as the idea of “fallen women”. In line 83 of Goblin Market, a simile compares Laura to a lily by the edge of a “beck” or steam. Lilies symbolize purity but they are also sometimes associated with death. Forget 'sometimes'; They can also be associated with death. This doesn't even go anywhere, though; there's no point using a quote if you don't actually analyse it. Saying what the simile might mean isn't analysis. You need to draw out the purpose; what is the author trying to show, or elicit in the audience? The reference to the “moon” in line 246 uses a metaphor to associated with the danger of temptation relating to women in this society become drug addicts and once again falling into the category of ‘fallen women’. Similarly like ‘In an Artist’s studio’, the speaker is amidst a destructive environment in which the idea of moral regeneration contemporarily bringing the characters out of a “forbidden” and “fallen” phases.
Being an established author, it is said that Rossetti gained an audience of many people who fought the current situation with prospects involving women and their demise into “temptation”. Her experiences with working with her brother and the rest of the pre Raphaelites gave her deeper empathy regarding marginalised women and the injustices they suffered. Visual Imagery is used in line 5 when it says don't say things like 'when it says'. This is far too colloquial; introduce your quotes more seamlessly, or more directly. “in opal or in ruby dress” showing the economic content of the variation of paintings on how they are described using this striking image. That's LITERALLY what is shows, but what does this quote say about the subject matter? Surely it's deeper than what you have discussed? The quote “Fair as the moon and joyful as the light” uses a romantic simile, to summaries the artist's view of the female model. Symbolism is used frequently in an Artist's studio such as the mirror as it represents reflections of reality and the artist's image of the model, not the person as she actually is. Brothers muse Elizabeth Siddal, represented his own personal views on her and how he would like her to be depicted.
As Christina Rossetti was notorious for her struggles against communal intentions, providing guidance for those looked down upon, she always broke boundaries and surpassed expectations. ‘Goblin Market’ correlates to the idea of “Fallen women” providing moral instruction to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Similarly, ‘In an Artist’s Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century notioning the disrespectful intentions of male artists. By dilemmas being addressed by Rossetti, she radiates a powerful voice which captures the audience alluding them to the injustices involved in their society.
My main comments are above, and refer to your tone, your sentence structure, your analysis of quotes and your thesis. This is a really good essay, and if you focus on the stuff I've outlined above, it could be a really great essay. Think about whether, in any given line, you're actually answering the question or proving a point. If you're not, if you're just stating a quote or claiming that there is a simile somewhere, you need to bring it back to the thesis. I would also recommend using the words of the question a bit more, but that's just a personal preference! I would write another draft of this, and focus on answering the question, making some of your sentences make a bit more sense (by emulating your excellent sentences!) and being a bit clearer in your analysis. Congratulations on a really solid essay! With a bit more work, you've got nothing to worry about :)
Rossetti is famously known for addressing predicaments which faced society during the 19th century, and for surpassing social expectations and ethical ideas which are seen in her range of work. Good sentence, need more stuff like this ‘Goblin Market’ is an allegorical narrative styled poem, following a fairytale approach in order to provide? You get your tenses mixed up fairly often, so read the sentences out loud to yourself and decide if they work. providing moral instruction to its Victorian audience relating to many concepts, dwelling on the infamous notion of fallen women. Being a devoted Christian, Rossetti drew upon various ideas which conflict between religious ethical teachings and femininity. ‘Goblin Market’ is an example of how religious connotations relate to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Perfect. You're directly answering the question here; use this style more consistently! Sinister connotations are present in the quote “Their evil gifts would harm us” (line 64) don't worry about the line which alludes to sexual behavior including religious precaution Really? Including religious precaution? Is it not contrary to religious beliefs? I think you need to more carefully consider your analysis, before you just launch into it. The constant symbolism of the fruit relates to the forbidden fruit in the Christian Adam and Eve story seen in “for my sake of the fruit forbidden” (475-484), The temptation was also contrasted in the Christian parable, in which the snake like goblins tempt the personas. You do a good job of selecting good quotes and analyzing them correctly. However, you don't make that final step; linking that analysis with the quote. How does the image of the fruit relate to desire versus social expectations? The answer may be obvious to you, but you need to make it obvious to the marker. It's a good base-essay, you just need to focus more on actually answering the questions! I have to say, though, that your selection of quotes/techniques is really top-notch
Social expectations are a dangerous enigma which causes control causes control? This either doesn't make sense, or is way too vague. Again, you need to read over your essay and decide if what you say is clear enough and is commonly challenged in various ways. Again, way too vague. Rossetti’s patriarchal sonnet Is the sonnet patriarchal? ie. does it propagate the patriarch? Or is it attacking the patriarch? Is the Patriarch the subject matter? You can't just throw words in; again, your meaning must be clear. ‘In an Artist's Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century. 'familiar with arts and faced hardships'. You need to be specific. This could be said about any generation; why is this specifically relevant to the Victorian audience? d As analyzing the text, it is evident that Pre Raphaelite (and Brother) Dante Rossetti was were a part of a major significance for this piece this sentence doesn't make sense, specifically his relationship with Lizzie Siddal. Idealistic values of women comprised of the religious genre centralising around the notion of “fallen women” are highlighted in ‘In an Artist's Studio’. Brilliant sentence. Clear, comprehensive, formal. Keep this up. In the reference “A saint, An Angel” in line 7, the use of metaphor reflects the religious ideals of femininity and “purity” synthesising 19 centuries social attitudes towards women as they were either considered to be virginal, saint like or promiscuous. Again, brilliant stuff! You're clearly capable of writing a killer essay, you just need to be more consistent in your style. Having a strong Anglican upbringing, it varied in socialization and brought her closer towards women deemed religious outcastes as concerns grew about women suffrage opposed to Christian values. Okay, but what does this say about the themes in general? What does this say about your thesis? How does this answer your question? Once you analyse the text, you need to bring it back to the overarching reason for this essay. (ps. I'm clearly only writing stuff you need to improve on, rather than everything that's great. It isn't all smoke and brimstone; this is a good essay, which you can morph into a great essay by focusing on your weaknesses and improving upon them.
Working at High Gate, Rossetti first hand was able to witness the unacceptable treatment of women and how they were out casted by society when going against the status quo. Providing influence towards her poetic work, Rossetti was able to address ambiguous issues involved in her life such as the idea of “fallen women”. In line 83 of Goblin Market, a simile compares Laura to a lily by the edge of a “beck” or steam. Lilies symbolize purity but they are also sometimes associated with death. Forget 'sometimes'; They can also be associated with death. This doesn't even go anywhere, though; there's no point using a quote if you don't actually analyse it. Saying what the simile might mean isn't analysis. You need to draw out the purpose; what is the author trying to show, or elicit in the audience? The reference to the “moon” in line 246 uses a metaphor to associated with the danger of temptation relating to women in this society become drug addicts and once again falling into the category of ‘fallen women’. Similarly like ‘In an Artist’s studio’, the speaker is amidst a destructive environment in which the idea of moral regeneration contemporarily bringing the characters out of a “forbidden” and “fallen” phases.
Being an established author, it is said that Rossetti gained an audience of many people who fought the current situation with prospects involving women and their demise into “temptation”. Her experiences with working with her brother and the rest of the pre Raphaelites gave her deeper empathy regarding marginalised women and the injustices they suffered. Visual Imagery is used in line 5 when it says don't say things like 'when it says'. This is far too colloquial; introduce your quotes more seamlessly, or more directly. “in opal or in ruby dress” showing the economic content of the variation of paintings on how they are described using this striking image. That's LITERALLY what is shows, but what does this quote say about the subject matter? Surely it's deeper than what you have discussed? The quote “Fair as the moon and joyful as the light” uses a romantic simile, to summaries the artist's view of the female model. Symbolism is used frequently in an Artist's studio such as the mirror as it represents reflections of reality and the artist's image of the model, not the person as she actually is. Brothers muse Elizabeth Siddal, represented his own personal views on her and how he would like her to be depicted.
As Christina Rossetti was notorious for her struggles against communal intentions, providing guidance for those looked down upon, she always broke boundaries and surpassed expectations. ‘Goblin Market’ correlates to the idea of “Fallen women” providing moral instruction to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Similarly, ‘In an Artist’s Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century notioning the disrespectful intentions of male artists. By dilemmas being addressed by Rossetti, she radiates a powerful voice which captures the audience alluding them to the injustices involved in their society.
My main comments are above, and refer to your tone, your sentence structure, your analysis of quotes and your thesis. This is a really good essay, and if you focus on the stuff I've outlined above, it could be a really great essay. Think about whether, in any given line, you're actually answering the question or proving a point. If you're not, if you're just stating a quote or claiming that there is a simile somewhere, you need to bring it back to the thesis. I would also recommend using the words of the question a bit more, but that's just a personal preference! I would write another draft of this, and focus on answering the question, making some of your sentences make a bit more sense (by emulating your excellent sentences!) and being a bit clearer in your analysis. Congratulations on a really solid essay! With a bit more work, you've got nothing to worry about :)
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 06:02:24 pm
Hey Guys Once again
This time this essay is for Module C. Could you guys also please supply a mark. If you guys need any help marking or giving analysis to already submitted essays, tell me and ill try my best :D
PS. Already submitted one aswell up there for module B, Thanks <3
The relationship between people and politics is complex and varied.
How is this represented in the texts you have studied?
Discuss with reference to your set text and ONE related text of your choosing.
Hello again; here we go for round two.
Original Essay
Spoiler
The complex relationship between people and politics is commonly seen through a variation of texts which also relates to humans understanding the need for individuality and its importance in society. This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation. ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions for an organisation. Both texts highlight satirical techniques which shows the powerful and complex relationship between people and politics especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy.
Leaders who have influential powers in Politics, use ambiguous methods to achieve their ultimate goal of control. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which alludes that the book serves as a warning to the public of how the future may eventually turn out like. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights the death of culture like feeling as finding the Ford production line, producing sense that anyone could be replaced. It seems that in this novel, God has been transferred into a materialised item and often referred to “Ford” which was seen to be the first Ford cars which was mass produced during the 1900’s. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” which everyone chants. Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered 5 Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Irony to show the relationship between the Director and his staff as there is a subtle notion of corruption.
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?. ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir which is commonly used in this movie and distances the audience from the characters and their actions also giving depth and provides meaning of the powerful hold the government has had on the people of earth to change them into these ‘vegetable’ state people. The environment is seen controlled on a large scale but also with how animals are created as mere commodities. This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the migration to America. At the start of the movie , Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a superiority type feeling. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society.
Isolation can be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands can have ambiguous effects on people which easily differentiate people from leaders. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book including; being isolated from other people, isolation from society and self alienation which all ultimately lead characters to their downfall. One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time and Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed into the public by the fierce Director. The repetition of "Alone" conveys John using isolation as an advantage to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality paralleling to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics as he became more and more confined in his ideals. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental leaders in their mission to gain control and seduce a nation.
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government which suggests the idea that Scott felt in forty years time that the world would split into multiple factions with political figures, religious ministers and other leadership groups at the head (Interview with Harlan Kennedy). Isolation can be seen in sub character Sebastian as he is living in an complex being forced to build his own friends as a result of seclusion relating to the notions of Replicants symbolising the isolation and lonely state of the world. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts as their governments forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about.
Leaders who have influential powers in Politics, use ambiguous methods to achieve their ultimate goal of control. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which alludes that the book serves as a warning to the public of how the future may eventually turn out like. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights the death of culture like feeling as finding the Ford production line, producing sense that anyone could be replaced. It seems that in this novel, God has been transferred into a materialised item and often referred to “Ford” which was seen to be the first Ford cars which was mass produced during the 1900’s. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” which everyone chants. Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered 5 Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Irony to show the relationship between the Director and his staff as there is a subtle notion of corruption.
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?. ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir which is commonly used in this movie and distances the audience from the characters and their actions also giving depth and provides meaning of the powerful hold the government has had on the people of earth to change them into these ‘vegetable’ state people. The environment is seen controlled on a large scale but also with how animals are created as mere commodities. This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the migration to America. At the start of the movie , Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a superiority type feeling. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society.
Isolation can be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands can have ambiguous effects on people which easily differentiate people from leaders. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book including; being isolated from other people, isolation from society and self alienation which all ultimately lead characters to their downfall. One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time and Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed into the public by the fierce Director. The repetition of "Alone" conveys John using isolation as an advantage to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality paralleling to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics as he became more and more confined in his ideals. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental leaders in their mission to gain control and seduce a nation.
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government which suggests the idea that Scott felt in forty years time that the world would split into multiple factions with political figures, religious ministers and other leadership groups at the head (Interview with Harlan Kennedy). Isolation can be seen in sub character Sebastian as he is living in an complex being forced to build his own friends as a result of seclusion relating to the notions of Replicants symbolising the isolation and lonely state of the world. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts as their governments forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about.
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
The complex relationship between people and politics is commonly seen through a variation of texts which also relates to humans understanding the need for individuality and its importance in society. I can't make heads or tails of this sentence. This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation. GREAT intro to BNW!!!! ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions for an organisation. And a brilliant intro to BR Both texts highlight satirical techniques which shows the powerful and complex relationship between people and politics especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy. Perfect introduction, other than the first sentence. This is slightly problematic, as you really want the first sentence to stand out. However, after you've reworded it so that it makes more sense, memorise the fuck out of this intro because it really is very good.
Leaders who have influential powers in Politics, use ambiguous methods ambiguous how? In terms of morality? If so, make this clear to achieve their ultimate goal of control. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which alludes You've misused alludes in context here. that the book serves as a warning to the public of how the future may eventually turn out like. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights the death of culture like feeling Does this make sense to you? as finding the Ford production line, producing sense Read this over. that anyone could be replaced. It seems that in this novel, God has been transferred into a materialised item and often referred to “Ford” which was seen to be the first Ford cars which was mass produced during the 1900’s. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” which everyone chants. This sentence doesn't go anywhere Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered 5 Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Irony to show the relationship between the Director and his staff as there is a subtle notion of corruption.
Other than Irony at the end there, there are no techniques in the above paragraph. Additionally, few of the sentences actually make sense. I think you really need to focus on proof reading your work, making sure that the sentences make sense, and ensuring that you adequately answer the question. For instance, do you use the word politics in this paragraph? Furthermore, your analysis in terms of irony doesn't go anywhere (and I'm not even sure it is irony)
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?. ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir which is commonly used in this movie and distances the audience from the characters and their actions also giving depth and provides meaning of the powerful hold the government has had on the people of earth to change them into these ‘vegetable’ state people. This sentence drags on and on and on. Split it into two, and CHECK YOUR TENSES!!!! Seriously, just read the sentence out loud and decide if it makes sense. The environment is seen controlled on a large scale but also with how animals are created as mere commodities. Same Same This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the migration to America. At the start of the movie , Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a superiority type feeling. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society. So... how does this relate to people in politics again? You need to be analyzing more techniques, answering the question, and reading over your work before finalising it. I know you have the capacity to write a brilliant essay, particularly given your introduction, but that hasn't really come out yet.
Isolation can be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands can have ambiguous again, what is this ambiguity you're talking about? effects on people which easily differentiate people from leaders. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book including; being isolated from other people, isolation from society and self alienation which all ultimately lead characters to their downfall. It's not 'including' if you then list all of them. One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time and Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed into the public by the fierce Director. The repetition of "Alone" conveys John using isolation as an advantage to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality paralleling to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics as he became more and more confined in his ideals. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental leaders in their mission to gain control and seduce a nation. All of my above comments are relevant here. However, make sure that you are comparing the texts, rather than just discussing both. ie. 'similarly to...' 'contradictory to...'
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government which suggests the idea that Scott felt in forty years time that the world would split into multiple factions with political figures, religious ministers and other leadership groups at the head (Interview with Harlan Kennedy). Isolation can be seen in sub character Sebastian as he is living in an complex being forced to build his own friends as a result of seclusion relating to the notions of Replicants symbolising the isolation and lonely state of the world. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income. English markers won't care about interviews with the author, they will care about real, applicable quotes/visuals in the film. Use that as your evidence.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts as their governments forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about.
This essay definitely needs some work, but I know you are more than capable. Fixing this up requires a unifying thesis, an actual comparison of texts, and a far greater analysis of techniques/quotes etc. Perhaps write more slowly when you create an essay, in order to pick up on any grammatical/tense errors as this can really diminish a potential mark. Quantity in an essay isn't important, so focus on making what you write count. Look at your introduction, because it's a seriously good introduction, and try to replicate language/use of texts throughout the body of your essay. Ensure you have a unifying thesis, which is written out in detail in the introduction, and consistently refer to it every time you analyse a technique.
Leaders who have influential powers in Politics, use ambiguous methods ambiguous how? In terms of morality? If so, make this clear to achieve their ultimate goal of control. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which alludes You've misused alludes in context here. that the book serves as a warning to the public of how the future may eventually turn out like. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights the death of culture like feeling Does this make sense to you? as finding the Ford production line, producing sense Read this over. that anyone could be replaced. It seems that in this novel, God has been transferred into a materialised item and often referred to “Ford” which was seen to be the first Ford cars which was mass produced during the 1900’s. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” which everyone chants. This sentence doesn't go anywhere Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered 5 Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Irony to show the relationship between the Director and his staff as there is a subtle notion of corruption.
Other than Irony at the end there, there are no techniques in the above paragraph. Additionally, few of the sentences actually make sense. I think you really need to focus on proof reading your work, making sure that the sentences make sense, and ensuring that you adequately answer the question. For instance, do you use the word politics in this paragraph? Furthermore, your analysis in terms of irony doesn't go anywhere (and I'm not even sure it is irony)
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?. ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir which is commonly used in this movie and distances the audience from the characters and their actions also giving depth and provides meaning of the powerful hold the government has had on the people of earth to change them into these ‘vegetable’ state people. This sentence drags on and on and on. Split it into two, and CHECK YOUR TENSES!!!! Seriously, just read the sentence out loud and decide if it makes sense. The environment is seen controlled on a large scale but also with how animals are created as mere commodities. Same Same This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the migration to America. At the start of the movie , Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a superiority type feeling. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society. So... how does this relate to people in politics again? You need to be analyzing more techniques, answering the question, and reading over your work before finalising it. I know you have the capacity to write a brilliant essay, particularly given your introduction, but that hasn't really come out yet.
Isolation can be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands can have ambiguous again, what is this ambiguity you're talking about? effects on people which easily differentiate people from leaders. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book including; being isolated from other people, isolation from society and self alienation which all ultimately lead characters to their downfall. It's not 'including' if you then list all of them. One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time and Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed into the public by the fierce Director. The repetition of "Alone" conveys John using isolation as an advantage to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality paralleling to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics as he became more and more confined in his ideals. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental leaders in their mission to gain control and seduce a nation. All of my above comments are relevant here. However, make sure that you are comparing the texts, rather than just discussing both. ie. 'similarly to...' 'contradictory to...'
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government which suggests the idea that Scott felt in forty years time that the world would split into multiple factions with political figures, religious ministers and other leadership groups at the head (Interview with Harlan Kennedy). Isolation can be seen in sub character Sebastian as he is living in an complex being forced to build his own friends as a result of seclusion relating to the notions of Replicants symbolising the isolation and lonely state of the world. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income. English markers won't care about interviews with the author, they will care about real, applicable quotes/visuals in the film. Use that as your evidence.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts as their governments forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about.
This essay definitely needs some work, but I know you are more than capable. Fixing this up requires a unifying thesis, an actual comparison of texts, and a far greater analysis of techniques/quotes etc. Perhaps write more slowly when you create an essay, in order to pick up on any grammatical/tense errors as this can really diminish a potential mark. Quantity in an essay isn't important, so focus on making what you write count. Look at your introduction, because it's a seriously good introduction, and try to replicate language/use of texts throughout the body of your essay. Ensure you have a unifying thesis, which is written out in detail in the introduction, and consistently refer to it every time you analyse a technique.
Post by: BPunjabi on October 09, 2016, 06:14:00 pm
Hey Bobby! Sorry for the delay; check out my comments below!
Original EssaySpoilerDilemmas are problems which need to be exploited, being explored in various ways to tackle and surpass their boundaries. Christina Rossetti is a famous poet for explicitly contrasting her poetry between challenges, facing herself and others in their epoch. Poems ‘Goblin Market’ (1862) and ‘In an Artist's Studio’ (1896) discretely communicate personal ideology on religious aspects whilst referring to women and femininity in the nineteenth century. Whilst these themes are common in her poetry it is noticeable on how she gives voice to any person inclined to the same values.
Rossetti is famously known for addressing predicaments which faced society during the 19th century, surpassing social expectations and ethical ideas which are seen in her range of work. ‘Goblin Market’ is an allegorical narrative styled poem, following a fairytale approach providing moral instruction to its Victorian audience relating to many concepts, dwelling on the infamous notion of fallen women. Being a devoted Christian, Rossetti drew upon various ideas which conflict between religious ethical teachings and femininity. ‘Goblin Market’ is an example of how religious connotations relate to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Sinister connotations are present in the quote “Their evil gifts would harm us” (line 64) which alludes to sexual behavior including religious precaution. The constant symbolism of the fruit relates to the forbidden fruit in the Christian Adam and Eve story seen in “for my sake of the fruit forbidden” (475-484), The temptation was also contrasted in the Christian parable, in which the snake like goblins tempt the personas.
Social expectations are a dangerous enigma which causes control and is commonly challenged in various ways. Rossetti’s patriarchal sonnet ‘In an Artist's Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century. As analyzing the text, it is evident that Pre Raphaelite (and Brother) Dante Rossetti was a part of a major significance for this piece, specifically his relationship with Lizzie Siddal. Idealistic values of women comprised of the religious genre centralising around the notion of “fallen women” are highlighted in ‘In an Artist's Studio’. In the reference “A saint, An Angel” in line 7, the use of metaphor reflects the religious ideals of femininity and “purity” synthesising 19 centuries social attitudes towards women as they were either considered to be virginal, saint like or promiscuous. Having a strong Anglican upbringing, it varied in socialization and brought her closer towards women deemed religious outcastes as concerns grew about women suffrage opposed to Christian values.
Working at High Gate, Rossetti first hand was able to witness the unacceptable treatment of women and how they were out casted by society when going against the status quo. Providing influence towards her poetic work, Rossetti was able to address ambiguous issues involved in her life such as the idea of “fallen women”. In line 83 of Goblin Market, a simile compares Laura to a lily by the edge of a “beck” or steam. Lilies symbolize purity but they are also sometimes associated with death. The reference to the “moon” in line 246 uses a metaphor to associated with the danger of temptation relating to women in this society become drug addicts and once again falling into the category of ‘fallen women’. Similarly like ‘In an Artist’s studio’, the speaker is amidst a destructive environment in which the idea of moral regeneration contemporarily bringing the characters out of a “forbidden” and “fallen” phases.
Being an established author, it is said that Rossetti gained an audience of many people who fought the current situation with prospects involving women and their demise into “temptation”. Her experiences with working with her brother and the rest of the pre Raphaelites gave her deeper empathy regarding marginalised women and the injustices they suffered. Visual Imagery is used in line 5 when it says “in opal or in ruby dress” showing the economic content of the variation of paintings on how they are described using this striking image. The quote “Fair as the moon and joyful as the light” uses a romantic simile, to summaries the artist's view of the female model. Symbolism is used frequently in an Artist's studio such as the mirror as it represents reflections of reality and the artist's image of the model, not the person as she actually is. Brothers muse Elizabeth Siddal, represented his own personal views on her and how he would like her to be depicted.
As Christina Rossetti was notorious for her struggles against communal intentions, providing guidance for those looked down upon, she always broke boundaries and surpassed expectations. ‘Goblin Market’ correlates to the idea of “Fallen women” providing moral instruction to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Similarly, ‘In an Artist’s Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century notioning the disrespectful intentions of male artists. By dilemmas being addressed by Rossetti, she radiates a powerful voice which captures the audience alluding them to the injustices involved in their society.
Essay with CommentsSpoilerDilemmas are problems which need to be exploited, being explored in various ways to tackle and surpass their boundaries. I see what you're getting at here, but I don't think your tenses quite work. Read the sentence outloud, and see if it makes sense to you. If not, try reword the sentence. Still, a nice opening line! Christina Rossetti is a famous poet You don't need to say that she's a famous poet. At least, don't say so like this; it's too colloquial for explicitly contrasting her poetry between challenges, facing herself and others in their epoch. Poems ‘Goblin Market’ (1862) and ‘In an Artist's Studio’ (1896) discretely communicate personal ideology on religious aspects whilst referring to women and femininity in the nineteenth century. Whilst these themes are common in her poetry it is noticeable on? how she gives voice to any person inclined to the same values. You've touched on, but not quite answered, the question. Whilst a good introduction, you definitely have space to directly answer the question; use words from the quote, agree or disagree etc.
Rossetti is famously known for addressing predicaments which faced society during the 19th century, and for surpassing social expectations and ethical ideas which are seen in her range of work. Good sentence, need more stuff like this ‘Goblin Market’ is an allegorical narrative styled poem, following a fairytale approach in order to provide? You get your tenses mixed up fairly often, so read the sentences out loud to yourself and decide if they work. providing moral instruction to its Victorian audience relating to many concepts, dwelling on the infamous notion of fallen women. Being a devoted Christian, Rossetti drew upon various ideas which conflict between religious ethical teachings and femininity. ‘Goblin Market’ is an example of how religious connotations relate to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Perfect. You're directly answering the question here; use this style more consistently! Sinister connotations are present in the quote “Their evil gifts would harm us” (line 64) don't worry about the line which alludes to sexual behavior including religious precaution Really? Including religious precaution? Is it not contrary to religious beliefs? I think you need to more carefully consider your analysis, before you just launch into it. The constant symbolism of the fruit relates to the forbidden fruit in the Christian Adam and Eve story seen in “for my sake of the fruit forbidden” (475-484), The temptation was also contrasted in the Christian parable, in which the snake like goblins tempt the personas. You do a good job of selecting good quotes and analyzing them correctly. However, you don't make that final step; linking that analysis with the quote. How does the image of the fruit relate to desire versus social expectations? The answer may be obvious to you, but you need to make it obvious to the marker. It's a good base-essay, you just need to focus more on actually answering the questions! I have to say, though, that your selection of quotes/techniques is really top-notch
Social expectations are a dangerous enigma which causes control causes control? This either doesn't make sense, or is way too vague. Again, you need to read over your essay and decide if what you say is clear enough and is commonly challenged in various ways. Again, way too vague. Rossetti’s patriarchal sonnet Is the sonnet patriarchal? ie. does it propagate the patriarch? Or is it attacking the patriarch? Is the Patriarch the subject matter? You can't just throw words in; again, your meaning must be clear. ‘In an Artist's Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century. 'familiar with arts and faced hardships'. You need to be specific. This could be said about any generation; why is this specifically relevant to the Victorian audience? d As analyzing the text, it is evident that Pre Raphaelite (and Brother) Dante Rossetti was were a part of a major significance for this piece this sentence doesn't make sense, specifically his relationship with Lizzie Siddal. Idealistic values of women comprised of the religious genre centralising around the notion of “fallen women” are highlighted in ‘In an Artist's Studio’. Brilliant sentence. Clear, comprehensive, formal. Keep this up. In the reference “A saint, An Angel” in line 7, the use of metaphor reflects the religious ideals of femininity and “purity” synthesising 19 centuries social attitudes towards women as they were either considered to be virginal, saint like or promiscuous. Again, brilliant stuff! You're clearly capable of writing a killer essay, you just need to be more consistent in your style. Having a strong Anglican upbringing, it varied in socialization and brought her closer towards women deemed religious outcastes as concerns grew about women suffrage opposed to Christian values. Okay, but what does this say about the themes in general? What does this say about your thesis? How does this answer your question? Once you analyse the text, you need to bring it back to the overarching reason for this essay. (ps. I'm clearly only writing stuff you need to improve on, rather than everything that's great. It isn't all smoke and brimstone; this is a good essay, which you can morph into a great essay by focusing on your weaknesses and improving upon them.
Working at High Gate, Rossetti first hand was able to witness the unacceptable treatment of women and how they were out casted by society when going against the status quo. Providing influence towards her poetic work, Rossetti was able to address ambiguous issues involved in her life such as the idea of “fallen women”. In line 83 of Goblin Market, a simile compares Laura to a lily by the edge of a “beck” or steam. Lilies symbolize purity but they are also sometimes associated with death. Forget 'sometimes'; They can also be associated with death. This doesn't even go anywhere, though; there's no point using a quote if you don't actually analyse it. Saying what the simile might mean isn't analysis. You need to draw out the purpose; what is the author trying to show, or elicit in the audience? The reference to the “moon” in line 246 uses a metaphor to associated with the danger of temptation relating to women in this society become drug addicts and once again falling into the category of ‘fallen women’. Similarly like ‘In an Artist’s studio’, the speaker is amidst a destructive environment in which the idea of moral regeneration contemporarily bringing the characters out of a “forbidden” and “fallen” phases.
Being an established author, it is said that Rossetti gained an audience of many people who fought the current situation with prospects involving women and their demise into “temptation”. Her experiences with working with her brother and the rest of the pre Raphaelites gave her deeper empathy regarding marginalised women and the injustices they suffered. Visual Imagery is used in line 5 when it says don't say things like 'when it says'. This is far too colloquial; introduce your quotes more seamlessly, or more directly. “in opal or in ruby dress” showing the economic content of the variation of paintings on how they are described using this striking image. That's LITERALLY what is shows, but what does this quote say about the subject matter? Surely it's deeper than what you have discussed? The quote “Fair as the moon and joyful as the light” uses a romantic simile, to summaries the artist's view of the female model. Symbolism is used frequently in an Artist's studio such as the mirror as it represents reflections of reality and the artist's image of the model, not the person as she actually is. Brothers muse Elizabeth Siddal, represented his own personal views on her and how he would like her to be depicted.
As Christina Rossetti was notorious for her struggles against communal intentions, providing guidance for those looked down upon, she always broke boundaries and surpassed expectations. ‘Goblin Market’ correlates to the idea of “Fallen women” providing moral instruction to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Similarly, ‘In an Artist’s Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century notioning the disrespectful intentions of male artists. By dilemmas being addressed by Rossetti, she radiates a powerful voice which captures the audience alluding them to the injustices involved in their society.
My main comments are above, and refer to your tone, your sentence structure, your analysis of quotes and your thesis. This is a really good essay, and if you focus on the stuff I've outlined above, it could be a really great essay. Think about whether, in any given line, you're actually answering the question or proving a point. If you're not, if you're just stating a quote or claiming that there is a simile somewhere, you need to bring it back to the thesis. I would also recommend using the words of the question a bit more, but that's just a personal preference! I would write another draft of this, and focus on answering the question, making some of your sentences make a bit more sense (by emulating your excellent sentences!) and being a bit clearer in your analysis. Congratulations on a really solid essay! With a bit more work, you've got nothing to worry about :)
Jakeislove thankyou so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your a legend
I just have a couple of queries which refer to your analysis:
- With the second line would it be better to say: Distinguished poet Christina Rossetti contrasts her poetry by facing challenges, herself and others in their epoch.
- Sorry I have no idea what tenses are :-[ are they like context?
- “Their evil gifts would harm us” =>"Is it not contrary to religious beliefs" Could I still use that line and say how it was an opposed religious moral in the social explicit context of Rossetti?
- "is it attacking the patriarch" You're right, it attacks the patriarch which also represents the subject matter, I am an idiot....
Thank you so much for the analysis Jakeislove, I will cherish it deeply and get right on it now to fix it up :D!!
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 06:17:04 pm
Jakeislove thankyou so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your a legend
I just have a couple of queries which refer to your analysis:
- With the second line would it be better to say: Distinguished poet Christina Rossetti contrasts her poetry by facing challenges, herself and others in their epoch.
- Sorry I have no idea what tenses are :-[ are they like context?
- “Their evil gifts would harm us” =>"Is it not contrary to religious beliefs" Could I still use that line and say how it was an opposed religious moral in the social explicit context of Rossetti?
- "is it attacking the patriarch" You're right, it attacks the patriarch which also represents the subject matter, I am an idiot....
Thank you so much for the analysis Jakeislove, I will cherish it deeply and get right on it now to fix it up :D!!
Yep, that first sentence is definitely better. Are you saying she faces her own challenges, and the challenges placed on her by others? Potentially "distinguished poet..... facing challenges, both set by herself, and imposed on her by others" would be better!
Tenses are like past-tense, present-tense, future-tense. I WAS doing something, I AM doing something, I WILL do something. You tend to get these mixed up a lot, and you definitely need to be consistent (preferably past tense!).
Yep absolutely use the line, because it's a very good point, I just think you need to be clearer.
You're not an idiot! I understand what you're talking about, but you need to make sure a marker does as well :)
That's no problem at all! Good luck :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 09, 2016, 06:20:19 pm
Hello again; here we go for round two.
Original EssaySpoilerThe complex relationship between people and politics is commonly seen through a variation of texts which also relates to humans understanding the need for individuality and its importance in society. This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation. ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions for an organisation. Both texts highlight satirical techniques which shows the powerful and complex relationship between people and politics especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy.
Leaders who have influential powers in Politics, use ambiguous methods to achieve their ultimate goal of control. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which alludes that the book serves as a warning to the public of how the future may eventually turn out like. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights the death of culture like feeling as finding the Ford production line, producing sense that anyone could be replaced. It seems that in this novel, God has been transferred into a materialised item and often referred to “Ford” which was seen to be the first Ford cars which was mass produced during the 1900’s. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” which everyone chants. Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered 5 Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Irony to show the relationship between the Director and his staff as there is a subtle notion of corruption.
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?. ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir which is commonly used in this movie and distances the audience from the characters and their actions also giving depth and provides meaning of the powerful hold the government has had on the people of earth to change them into these ‘vegetable’ state people. The environment is seen controlled on a large scale but also with how animals are created as mere commodities. This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the migration to America. At the start of the movie , Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a superiority type feeling. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society.
Isolation can be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands can have ambiguous effects on people which easily differentiate people from leaders. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book including; being isolated from other people, isolation from society and self alienation which all ultimately lead characters to their downfall. One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time and Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed into the public by the fierce Director. The repetition of "Alone" conveys John using isolation as an advantage to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality paralleling to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics as he became more and more confined in his ideals. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental leaders in their mission to gain control and seduce a nation.
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government which suggests the idea that Scott felt in forty years time that the world would split into multiple factions with political figures, religious ministers and other leadership groups at the head (Interview with Harlan Kennedy). Isolation can be seen in sub character Sebastian as he is living in an complex being forced to build his own friends as a result of seclusion relating to the notions of Replicants symbolising the isolation and lonely state of the world. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts as their governments forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about.
Essay with CommentsSpoilerThe complex relationship between people and politics is commonly seen through a variation of texts which also relates to humans understanding the need for individuality and its importance in society. I can't make heads or tails of this sentence. This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation. GREAT intro to BNW!!!! ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions for an organisation. And a brilliant intro to BR Both texts highlight satirical techniques which shows the powerful and complex relationship between people and politics especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy. Perfect introduction, other than the first sentence. This is slightly problematic, as you really want the first sentence to stand out. However, after you've reworded it so that it makes more sense, memorise the fuck out of this intro because it really is very good.
Leaders who have influential powers in Politics, use ambiguous methods ambiguous how? In terms of morality? If so, make this clear to achieve their ultimate goal of control. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which alludes You've misused alludes in context here. that the book serves as a warning to the public of how the future may eventually turn out like. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights the death of culture like feeling Does this make sense to you? as finding the Ford production line, producing sense Read this over. that anyone could be replaced. It seems that in this novel, God has been transferred into a materialised item and often referred to “Ford” which was seen to be the first Ford cars which was mass produced during the 1900’s. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” which everyone chants. This sentence doesn't go anywhere Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered 5 Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Irony to show the relationship between the Director and his staff as there is a subtle notion of corruption.
Other than Irony at the end there, there are no techniques in the above paragraph. Additionally, few of the sentences actually make sense. I think you really need to focus on proof reading your work, making sure that the sentences make sense, and ensuring that you adequately answer the question. For instance, do you use the word politics in this paragraph? Furthermore, your analysis in terms of irony doesn't go anywhere (and I'm not even sure it is irony)
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?. ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir which is commonly used in this movie and distances the audience from the characters and their actions also giving depth and provides meaning of the powerful hold the government has had on the people of earth to change them into these ‘vegetable’ state people. This sentence drags on and on and on. Split it into two, and CHECK YOUR TENSES!!!! Seriously, just read the sentence out loud and decide if it makes sense. The environment is seen controlled on a large scale but also with how animals are created as mere commodities. Same Same This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the migration to America. At the start of the movie , Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a superiority type feeling. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society. So... how does this relate to people in politics again? You need to be analyzing more techniques, answering the question, and reading over your work before finalising it. I know you have the capacity to write a brilliant essay, particularly given your introduction, but that hasn't really come out yet.
Isolation can be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands can have ambiguous again, what is this ambiguity you're talking about? effects on people which easily differentiate people from leaders. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book including; being isolated from other people, isolation from society and self alienation which all ultimately lead characters to their downfall. It's not 'including' if you then list all of them. One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time and Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed into the public by the fierce Director. The repetition of "Alone" conveys John using isolation as an advantage to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality paralleling to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics as he became more and more confined in his ideals. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental leaders in their mission to gain control and seduce a nation. All of my above comments are relevant here. However, make sure that you are comparing the texts, rather than just discussing both. ie. 'similarly to...' 'contradictory to...'
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government which suggests the idea that Scott felt in forty years time that the world would split into multiple factions with political figures, religious ministers and other leadership groups at the head (Interview with Harlan Kennedy). Isolation can be seen in sub character Sebastian as he is living in an complex being forced to build his own friends as a result of seclusion relating to the notions of Replicants symbolising the isolation and lonely state of the world. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income. English markers won't care about interviews with the author, they will care about real, applicable quotes/visuals in the film. Use that as your evidence.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts as their governments forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about.
This essay definitely needs some work, but I know you are more than capable. Fixing this up requires a unifying thesis, an actual comparison of texts, and a far greater analysis of techniques/quotes etc. Perhaps write more slowly when you create an essay, in order to pick up on any grammatical/tense errors as this can really diminish a potential mark. Quantity in an essay isn't important, so focus on making what you write count. Look at your introduction, because it's a seriously good introduction, and try to replicate language/use of texts throughout the body of your essay. Ensure you have a unifying thesis, which is written out in detail in the introduction, and consistently refer to it every time you analyse a technique.
Yeah I really screwed this up... I spent like 25 minutes writing this essay before I submitted it on the forum... You are absolutly right, I need more techniques analysis and sense of "tense" (I have no idea what it means man :-[ Sorry). With the community, identity, stability thing, repetition counts as a technique too right?
Thanks so much,
Bobby
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 06:21:42 pm
Yeah I really screwed this up... I spent like 25 minutes writing this essay before I submitted it on the forum... You are absolutly right, I need more techniques analysis and sense of "tense" (I have no idea what it means man :-[ Sorry). With the community, identity, stability thing, repetition counts as a technique too right?
Thanks so much,
Bobby
Yep! Definitely a technique, but rather than just identifying it, tell me what the IMPACT of that technique is, and how it lends itself to an argument. Hey, for 25 minutes of work, it isn't half bad! Just definitely worth spending some more time on. Best of luck matey.
Post by: BPunjabi on October 09, 2016, 06:22:14 pm
Yep, that first sentence is definitely better. Are you saying she faces her own challenges, and the challenges placed on her by others? Potentially "distinguished poet..... facing challenges, both set by herself, and imposed on her by others" would be better!
Tenses are like past-tense, present-tense, future-tense. I WAS doing something, I AM doing something, I WILL do something. You tend to get these mixed up a lot, and you definitely need to be consistent (preferably past tense!).
Yep absolutely use the line, because it's a very good point, I just think you need to be clearer.
You're not an idiot! I understand what you're talking about, but you need to make sure a marker does as well :)
That's no problem at all! Good luck :)
Ah thanks for clearing up the tense thing, I totally get what you mean!!
Thanks!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 09, 2016, 08:04:35 pm
Hello English gurus Sarah, Jamon or Elyse,
Could you possibly provide feedback (and possibly a mark [not neccessarily needed]) on my Module C: People and Politics essay? I'm a bit unsure as to whether my analysis is strong enough, the structure of the essay works and also if I rely too much on retell.
Much appreciated. <3
Thanks for your patience :3
Some feedback in the spoiler below as well as after the spoiler :)
Spoiler
Analyse how the representation of the relationship between people and politics has significance for both the individual and broader society.
The portrayal of relationships between citizens and their governments often plays a significant role in addressing societal issues surrounding the exercise of control. Aldous Huxley’s politically satirical novel Brave New World (1931) and James McTeigue’s compelling film V for Vendetta (2006) both explore the detrimental effects of a corrupt political agenda upon those dictated by it, which hence, emphasises the need for personal interventions in liberating others from it. Although manipulation by the government is often portrayed as being for the ‘greater good’ of society, it in the essence restricts civil liberty. You've jumped straight into identifying "politics" as "government." I'd be inclined to make the connection clearer, like, "citizens and their governing politics." Just so that you do respond to the question with its own words.
The overarching governmental objectives for power or efficiency has often resulted in the degradation of fundamental humanitarian values due to individuals being oppressed by fear mongering or manipulative means. In the novel, the World Controllers desire for universal order and stability within the State has led to forced conformity amongst society in order to achieve it. This is illustrated within the parody of the French Revolution Tripartite mantra of ‘liberty, equality, fraternity” within “community, identity, stability”, which contrast in values: one for civil freedom and the other for complete subservience. Good one! Likewise in the film, the conservative party Norsefire too aims to have total control of its British citizens in order to enforce their own regulations and to also become financially wealthy. [Insert quote/technique - need to find one :3]. Hence, to reinforce such compliance within the World State, technocratic means are employed such as hypnopaedic engineering and the use of the suppressive drug ‘soma’. Such process has led to social degeneracy as individuals are fundamentally being manipulated to accept governmental ideologies unconsciously; their actions have already been pre-determined like ‘robots’. These last two sentences are borderline too much plot retell without analysis - as a rule of thumb, any more than a sentence without the purpose of analysis or context is too much. This is evident within the situational irony of the Director of Hatchery’s statement “all conditioning aims at that: making people like their unescapable social destiny”, which highlights this immoral enslavement of human choice. Similarly, Norsefire too achieves it by taking advantage over the situation involving the outbreak of an unknown and deadly disease, created by them, by spreading fear through the use of the media and ultimately promising a cure, which guaranteed their election. The cliché of “fear became the ultimate tool…they promised you order, and all they demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent” illustrates this in which individuals had to sacrifice their civil liberty for societal ‘harmony’.Overall, the immense authority politicians had over their citizens has led to the deterioration of individual wellbeing as their freedom is essentially suppressed. Norsefire is in V for Vendetta right? I am raking my memory for the last time I watched it. If it is, then I'd be identifying Norsefire as part of V for Vendetta in this paragraph, because it currently isn't identified.
The manipulation of truth by governments is often performed to conceal the inhumane effects of their policies,Stop the sentence here so it is digestible, and then start a new one :) Your ideas are great for your arguments, just a bit long! which as a result, fabricates a false sense of security amongst the influenced. Mustapha Mond within the novel perceives his exercise of control as being vital for ‘universal order and happiness’ as exhibited within the metaphor of “wheels must turn steadily...there must be men to tend them, men...sane...obedient...stable in contentment”. Such representation of it as clockwork highlights the need for individuals, like cogs, to perform their specific roles to ensure efficiency. Likewise, Norsefire portrays their interventions as being a necessity in ensuring societal harmony as depicted within the repetition within “to fail is to invite doubt...doubt will plunge this country back into chaos”. Full stop goes inside the quotation mark :) This statement illustrates that if individuals were allowed to exercise their own free will, then regulations that ensured structure would be disregarded, resulting in turmoil. Consequently, Mond embeds such mentality within the psyche of the World State’s citizens as epitomised by Lenina, who is promiscuously active to ‘play her part’ in stability. This is demonstrated within the sexual allusion of “she was a popular girl and, at one time or another, had spent a night with almost all of them”, punctuation inside the quotation mark :)which highlights this decision but also the degrading nature of it as she is merely being portrayed as an object to be used, rather than a human being. Similarly, citizens under Norsefire regime also ‘understand’ the necessity of control, especially in regards to the persecution of those that oppose it, in achieving societal order as discernment often leads to anarchism and chaos, causing them to adopt a conformist identity. The figurative language within television host Dietrich’s statement of “you wear a mask for so long that you forget who you were beneath it” illustrates this compliance as he is living out a façade moulded by the government, rather than his genuine self, which is reinforced through propaganda and ‘coercion’; it in the essence subdues individuality completely. Hence, the manipulation of truth by governments ultimately leads to social injustice.
The tension between political and personal ideologies, brought about by a clash in values, can often lead to either positive or negative outcomes, depending on the individual's capability to liberate others from the government’s hegemonic control. John within the novel embodies the Shakespearian values of romanticism and honour, causing him to despise the hypnopaedic conformist ideal of “everyone belongs to everyone else” and ultimately the World Controller’s manipulation. The cumulative listing of yearnings within “I don’t want comfort. I want...real danger...freedom...sin” highlights this indictment of promiscuous values as he desires to earn his admiration, rather than assimilate into a society where it is degradingly easy to obtain. Likewise, V in the film found assurance within civil liberty, resulting in him to criticise the public’s abandonment of it for control, and supposedly peace. This is exhibited within the metaphor of “our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have...with it, we are free”, which demonstrates society’s nature to fall for enticingly positive outcomes, even when human rights, a necessity for individual happiness, is at stake. However, despite attempts to alter the World State’s citizens mentality from control to freedom, John realises the futility of it as their thoughts have been pre-determined since the beginning, causing him to commit suicide in an attempt to escape such dystopic and immoral world. The gruesome imagery of his death within “dangled a pair of feet...like...compass needles [that rotated endlessly]” demonstrates this in which humanity has lost its sense of direction, which as a result, has led to social injustice. Conversely, V had become a national symbol for justice and freedom as he had openly challenged and exposed the immoral intents of Norsefire. This is a good time to link back to the essay question!Consequently, citizens then realise the detrimental effects of such governmental policies on individuality, causing them to abandon it for V’s objective for anarchism in an attempt to restore civil liberty and ultimately freedom. The wide shot of the public dressed as ‘V’ exhibits such unity against the hegemonic control of the government, and also how one individual can start off a chain reaction that ‘flips’ political and individual relationships. You bring it back nicely to the topic at hand, the idea of individual and collective experiences of politics, but it needs to be weaved further throughout. You're definitely bringing it up on an implicit level, but now it's important to talk about it in a way that is linking at every point to the question :) Your analysis is great!
Conclusion: not sure how to write an effective one as I usually in a exam just regurgiate the question with my stance due to time constraints and hence, was wondering if you could provide an in-general structure for conclusions.
The portrayal of relationships between citizens and their governments often plays a significant role in addressing societal issues surrounding the exercise of control. Aldous Huxley’s politically satirical novel Brave New World (1931) and James McTeigue’s compelling film V for Vendetta (2006) both explore the detrimental effects of a corrupt political agenda upon those dictated by it, which hence, emphasises the need for personal interventions in liberating others from it. Although manipulation by the government is often portrayed as being for the ‘greater good’ of society, it in the essence restricts civil liberty. You've jumped straight into identifying "politics" as "government." I'd be inclined to make the connection clearer, like, "citizens and their governing politics." Just so that you do respond to the question with its own words.
The overarching governmental objectives for power or efficiency has often resulted in the degradation of fundamental humanitarian values due to individuals being oppressed by fear mongering or manipulative means. In the novel, the World Controllers desire for universal order and stability within the State has led to forced conformity amongst society in order to achieve it. This is illustrated within the parody of the French Revolution Tripartite mantra of ‘liberty, equality, fraternity” within “community, identity, stability”, which contrast in values: one for civil freedom and the other for complete subservience. Good one! Likewise in the film, the conservative party Norsefire too aims to have total control of its British citizens in order to enforce their own regulations and to also become financially wealthy. [Insert quote/technique - need to find one :3]. Hence, to reinforce such compliance within the World State, technocratic means are employed such as hypnopaedic engineering and the use of the suppressive drug ‘soma’. Such process has led to social degeneracy as individuals are fundamentally being manipulated to accept governmental ideologies unconsciously; their actions have already been pre-determined like ‘robots’. These last two sentences are borderline too much plot retell without analysis - as a rule of thumb, any more than a sentence without the purpose of analysis or context is too much. This is evident within the situational irony of the Director of Hatchery’s statement “all conditioning aims at that: making people like their unescapable social destiny”, which highlights this immoral enslavement of human choice. Similarly, Norsefire too achieves it by taking advantage over the situation involving the outbreak of an unknown and deadly disease, created by them, by spreading fear through the use of the media and ultimately promising a cure, which guaranteed their election. The cliché of “fear became the ultimate tool…they promised you order, and all they demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent” illustrates this in which individuals had to sacrifice their civil liberty for societal ‘harmony’.
The manipulation of truth by governments is often performed to conceal the inhumane effects of their policies,Stop the sentence here so it is digestible, and then start a new one :) Your ideas are great for your arguments, just a bit long! which as a result, fabricates a false sense of security amongst the influenced. Mustapha Mond within the novel perceives his exercise of control as being vital for ‘universal order and happiness’ as exhibited within the metaphor of “wheels must turn steadily...there must be men to tend them, men...sane...obedient...stable in contentment”. Such representation of it as clockwork highlights the need for individuals, like cogs, to perform their specific roles to ensure efficiency. Likewise, Norsefire portrays their interventions as being a necessity in ensuring societal harmony as depicted within the repetition within “to fail is to invite doubt...doubt will plunge this country back into chaos”. Full stop goes inside the quotation mark :) This statement illustrates that if individuals were allowed to exercise their own free will, then regulations that ensured structure would be disregarded, resulting in turmoil. Consequently, Mond embeds such mentality within the psyche of the World State’s citizens as epitomised by Lenina, who is promiscuously active to ‘play her part’ in stability. This is demonstrated within the sexual allusion of “she was a popular girl and, at one time or another, had spent a night with almost all of them”, punctuation inside the quotation mark :)which highlights this decision but also the degrading nature of it as she is merely being portrayed as an object to be used, rather than a human being. Similarly, citizens under Norsefire regime also ‘understand’ the necessity of control, especially in regards to the persecution of those that oppose it, in achieving societal order as discernment often leads to anarchism and chaos, causing them to adopt a conformist identity. The figurative language within television host Dietrich’s statement of “you wear a mask for so long that you forget who you were beneath it” illustrates this compliance as he is living out a façade moulded by the government, rather than his genuine self, which is reinforced through propaganda and ‘coercion’; it in the essence subdues individuality completely. Hence, the manipulation of truth by governments ultimately leads to social injustice.
The tension between political and personal ideologies, brought about by a clash in values, can often lead to either positive or negative outcomes, depending on the individual's capability to liberate others from the government’s hegemonic control. John within the novel embodies the Shakespearian values of romanticism and honour, causing him to despise the hypnopaedic conformist ideal of “everyone belongs to everyone else” and ultimately the World Controller’s manipulation. The cumulative listing of yearnings within “I don’t want comfort. I want...real danger...freedom...sin” highlights this indictment of promiscuous values as he desires to earn his admiration, rather than assimilate into a society where it is degradingly easy to obtain. Likewise, V in the film found assurance within civil liberty, resulting in him to criticise the public’s abandonment of it for control, and supposedly peace. This is exhibited within the metaphor of “our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have...with it, we are free”, which demonstrates society’s nature to fall for enticingly positive outcomes, even when human rights, a necessity for individual happiness, is at stake. However, despite attempts to alter the World State’s citizens mentality from control to freedom, John realises the futility of it as their thoughts have been pre-determined since the beginning, causing him to commit suicide in an attempt to escape such dystopic and immoral world. The gruesome imagery of his death within “dangled a pair of feet...like...compass needles [that rotated endlessly]” demonstrates this in which humanity has lost its sense of direction, which as a result, has led to social injustice. Conversely, V had become a national symbol for justice and freedom as he had openly challenged and exposed the immoral intents of Norsefire. This is a good time to link back to the essay question!Consequently, citizens then realise the detrimental effects of such governmental policies on individuality, causing them to abandon it for V’s objective for anarchism in an attempt to restore civil liberty and ultimately freedom. The wide shot of the public dressed as ‘V’ exhibits such unity against the hegemonic control of the government, and also how one individual can start off a chain reaction that ‘flips’ political and individual relationships. You bring it back nicely to the topic at hand, the idea of individual and collective experiences of politics, but it needs to be weaved further throughout. You're definitely bringing it up on an implicit level, but now it's important to talk about it in a way that is linking at every point to the question :) Your analysis is great!
Conclusion: not sure how to write an effective one as I usually in a exam just regurgiate the question with my stance due to time constraints and hence, was wondering if you could provide an in-general structure for conclusions.
Conclusion instructions:
Generally aim for about four sentences. One talking about the essay question, one talking about one text, one talking about another text, (and their ideas and arguments) and one more than brings together the idea of what it is to have a relationship between people and politics.
This is a really great essay, your analysis is wonderful and most impressive is your integration of ideas and texts. That's what is going to draw the most attention to you from a marker!
To remember and work on:
-Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.
-You are referencing the ideas of people and politics, but sometimes too implicitly. You're still in the general area of people and politics because your analysis is so directed. Now, you just need to link the "effect" of a quote to exactly what the essay is asking of you. I'd put this at about a 16 out of 20 right now (it doesn't have a conclusion), and I can gaurantee that bringing it back to the question in a more explicit and conscious manner will be extremely helpful in boosting your marks!
There isn't a lot of criticism here - you've done a really great job :) It's so hard to critique your paragraphs because they are beautifully integrated and supported! :)
Post by: Neutron on October 09, 2016, 08:09:32 pm
Hey Neutron! It does get tricky with Module B - it is hard to go in with a memorised essay. I had poems for Module B, so I memorised several different sentences worth of analysis for each poem. In your case, with the novel, I think it is also the best approach to memorise analysis (quote, technique, effect) and then manipulate the effect to the question. Having a prepared argument is good, but Module B can be a bit wild with the questions they give you!SpoilerIN THE SKIN OF A LION ESSAY
Explorations of omnipotent human issues (NAME WHICHEVER ONE IS IN THE QUESTION) premise the profound integrity within texts, providing profound implications to the audience, which ultimately facilitates transformative maturations. I'm not a fan of using "profound" twice! I'd split this sentence in half by putting a full stop after "texts" :) Michael Ondaatje’s 1987 postmodern novel “In The Skin Of A Lion” challenges the legitimacy of official history through a montage of lifelong encounters by protagonist, Patrick Lewis, who exposes the transcendent exploitations, which bypass amendments in society, ultimately revealing the voices of the marginalised. This last sentence would only be relevant in an exam if you were manipulating the end of it to the question - as it stands currently, it's just a summary of the text, which isn't needed!By revealing such imbalances in authorial power through personalised interactions, the socioeconomic disparity within hegemonic historiography can be innovatively expressed, provoking our unforeseen clarifications regarding such underlying suppressions. Yep, good work with bringing in the impact on an audience!
Imbalances of authorial power within a capitalist society inevitably omit marginalised voices, disputing the authenticity of hegemonic historiography. Great paragraph lead, but you need to be aware that Module B is probably the least predictable of the modules in terms of question and this argument might need to become a sub argument.Set in 1930s Toronto, Ondaatje deconstructs notions of absolute truths through revelations of the societal prejudices underpinning historic fabrication, employing the impassive perspective of Patrick Lewis to interlace the personal stories of the marginalised and ultimately, rekindle their neglected voices. Ondaatje’s initial criticism of singular history within capital hegemony is illustrated through John Berger’s epigraph “never again will a single story be told as though it were the only one”, depicting the novel’s intent of challenging storytelling conventions by foregrounding micro-narration as its primary dictation. However, the irrefutable influence of the wealthy in dictating history is depicted through the photographic motif within the description of the bridge “There are over 4000 photographs from various angles of the bridge in its time-lapse evolution”, Punctuation goes inside the quotation mark :) contrasting the minimal archives of the migrants, further enforcing their historical erasure and the disparity of societal priorities. Moreover, Ondaatje clarifies historical obfuscations of society through Patrick’s epiphany in the Macedonian community through the cubist metaphor “his own life was no longer a single story, but part of a mural”, elucidating his enlightenment regarding the underlying facets of human stories omitted within overarching macro-narratives. Thus, the omission of proletariat representation within historic archives reflects the underlying prejudices underpinning society. Great paragraph! Now I'd be pushing to include the audience a bit more - what is the response from a reader? What perspectives does this bring to the table? And lastly, what does textual integrity have to do with this?
Language barriers inhibit communications between migrants, impeding their personal expressions and ultimately, neglecting their legacy and societal contributions. Great conceptual idea! Variations in dialect intensify the discrimination of the oppressed from Capitalist society, Good work bringing in capitalism again! as depicted during the migrant’s puppet show through the symbolism “he was brought before the authorities, unable to speak their language…he fell to the floor, pleading with gestures” coupled with kinaesthetic imagery to reiterate the systematic oppression experienced by proletariats due to their sociocultural background, exposing the prejudicial mechanisms within hegemonic societies. Great analysis!Moreover, the capacity of story-telling through language in restoring an individual’s legacy is illustrated through the naming motif after Alice’s death “…only a dead name is permanent”, punctuation inside of the quotation mark :) implying the potential of societal recollection in validating and immortalising an individual’s recognition, further reinforcing the detrimental omission of the migrants through communal exclusion. Again - bring in textual integrity and a "perspective"
Thus, foregrounded societal injustices accelerate an individual’s enlightened maturation, as demonstrated within Patrick’s newfound vehemence, empowering his confrontation with Commissioner Harris “Do you know how many of us died in there?” in conjunction with Harris’ contemptuous tone “There was no record kept”, further highlighting the power of expression in initiating confrontations with inherent justices and hence, emphasising the disadvantage imposed upon the silenced migrants. This is a very long sentence! It needs to be cut down :)Through such prominent exposures of transcendent discriminations, Ondaatje intends to clarify its enduring prevalence within modern society to the audience, subsequently kindling the potential for future societal transformations. Hence, the exclusion of migrants from society detrimentally inhibits their welfare, further enforcing the disparity that promotes hegemonic oppressions.
Socioeconomic disparities frequently emerge within capitalist societies, endorsing hierarchal segregations that ultimately abuse the underprivileged. Ondaatje’s reprehension of the proportionality between wealth and an individual’s significance is portrayed within Commissioner Harris’ deliberate hyperbolic introduction through the authorial intrusion “…his expensive tweed coat that cost more than the combined week’s salaries of five bridge workers”, illustrating the economic disparity despite the contributions of the workers. Moreover, Marxist ideologies of alienation is communicated through the commodification of the working class, as illustrated within the metaphor describing the bridge workers as “an extension of a hammer, drill flame”, paralleling their identity with their occupation which ultimately escalates their objectification and devaluation. Excellent analysis! Likewise, socioeconomic division manifest through capitalism, as portrayed within the metaphoric description of multimillionaire Ambrose Small’s “blatant capitalism had clarified the gulf between the rich and the starving”, portraying the heightened segregations following unequal divisions of power and influence. Hence, socioeconomic disparity further fortifies the segregation and exclusion of marginalised individuals.
Conclusively, Ondaatje’s explorations of prevalent and transcendent societal issues through tapestries of interwoven human perceptions profoundly depict the intrinsic corruptions underlying historiography, ultimately catalysing the audience’s insightful clarifications. As such, the synthesis of multifaceted notions investigated throughout the novel unites to fundamentally sustain its textual integrity.
I thought this was going to be crazy and difficult to read and all of the above, but it was actually just fine! You made it sound like chaos! Your analysis is your strongest asset here, it is very profound and you show an excellent understanding of the texts - I have no doubt that you'll be able to take these ideas into an exam and apply them well.
A few things to work on:
-Bring textual integrity in more than just in the introduction, it features heavily in the rubric and will need to exist throughout the essay.
-Bring in "perspectives" more - this module is about responses and perspectives, so it is important that you take on the challenge of talking about how audiences of different capacities could potentially respond to this.
-You've done a great job of keeping it in formal register :)
-Punctuation goes within a quotation mark.
-The conclusion is a bit short. You've got so many ideas, and two sentences for the conclusion. Aim for about 4 sentences in your conclusion - I think this is important for your work and will tie your complicated but great ideas together at the end. Consider one sentence on the essay question, one sentence on the human issues, one sentence about the ideas of capitalism expressed, and then a sentence to tie all of the above together.
You have an EXCELLENT grasp on the text and I think this will continue to be an asset that gives you great marks in the exam. Don't be down on yourself! You've got some excellent stuff in here!!! The last thing is: whatever the essay question is: OWN IT. Take it on, challenge it, express it throughout your response, and don't forget to drop a full stop every now and then! :)
Hey Elyse!
Thank you again for reading my work haha :) In regards to textual integrity, although I understand it vaguely, I feel like the concept was never explicitly explained to me (thus resulting in its absence in my essay haha) so I was wondering whether you could just quickly run over it again for me? Is it related to how the concepts explored can transcend over time? Also, how on earth do you incorporate the reader's response into the essay? Like I understand that Mod B is supposed to be my personal response but how do you write an essay and include your personal voice in it at the same time? Normally your personal voice is already conveyed based on the quotes you've selected and the way you've chosen to analyse them. How do you make that even more explicit without starting to use personal pronouns haha and do you think the conceptual statements I have prepared are too narrow? I feel like they won't be able to address many questions. One last thing! If say in the exam I completely don't understand the question (it's happened before with these mod b questions) and I just regurgitate an essay (let's just say it's the complete opposite of the question), what mark would you expect to get? My teachers have told us the maximum is a high C but I feel like they're just saying that to scare us into not memorising.
Cheers!
Neutron
(Also, how embarrassing! The same word in the same sentence two spaces from each other! Good thing you pointed it out, no idea why I haven't noticed after reading it for the tenth time hahaha)
Post by: fizzy.123 on October 09, 2016, 08:29:11 pm
Hey Fizzy! Sorry for the delay! Check out my comments below :)
Original EssaySpoilerThe political framework within societies can initiate curiosities which lead individuals to seek the truth. Aldous Huxley’s 1931 novel, Brave New World, explores the role of technology and the government to dictate conditioned individuals in the World State. Similarly, Steven Spielberg’s 2001 film Artificial Intelligence analyses the impact of technology and science within society as a means of questioning the truth. Both works explore the role of politics and its consequential negative ramifications upon individuals and society as a whole. (Conclude introduction by answering the question)
The ramifications of technology and science can be detrimental as they dictate the state of humanity. Huxley’s Brave New World explores the impact of technology and science in controlling individuals thought and action. The Bokanovsky’s process of human cloning is a key aspect of Huxley’s World State. The repetition of “major instruments of social stability” connotes the significance of this scientific process as a means of controlling humanity to maintain a façade of social stability. The government’s usurpation of power and control over individuals dictate their experience of the surrounding illusive world. The high modality of “our suggestions. Suggestions from the State” implies the conditioning of individuals by which they become restricted to values that the government holds for them. Mond diminishes the importance of god as something that “used to be”, naturalising the notion that everyone is gods property but religion in the modern world is superfluous. Through the text, Huxley manipulates the concept of god to be incompatible with “machinery and scientific medicine” thus rendering its importance futile for social organisation. God becomes obsolete in Brave New World and instead is replaced through the motifs of “Ford”, demonstrating that even religion has been replaced by reverence for technology. Fordian knowledge is propagated through the locking away of sacred texts, depriving citizens of the truth, religion and art for the sake of happiness, reiterating the notion that “history is bunk”. Huxley uses the demarcation of individuality as a vehicle for exploring his fears and fascination of technology at the turn of the 20th century.
A society full of expectations can place restrictions on individuals to act a certain way. Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence explores the benefits of technology and science in fulfilling the desires of those in power. The film opens in a dark setting, symbolising power and control to illustrate the control technology has within society. The use of machine intelligence is an important aspect of society because of its potential to allow politicians to artificially recreate the substance lacking in society. Spielberg’s microcosmic world parallels Huxley’s literary trope of the World State where humans are conditioned and surrendered physically, emotionally and spiritually through the Bokanovsky’s process. The human characterisation of the mecha robot contrasts with the World State in which conditioned humans are devoid of all feelings. The proximity of the protagonist mother with the robotic child asleep in the incubator parallels the hypnopaedia process of the World State. The restricted nature of the mecha robotic child is juxtaposed with his “real” brother. His actions become controlled by a superior being alluding to the incapacity of mechanised individuals to fully develop as normal human beings. (closing sentence according to Q)
The concept of the truth can be dangerous as it has the ability to initiate thoughts about life and purpose. The repetition and italicisation of “Soma” emphasises its importance in the world state. The government of Brave New World retains power by making its citizens so happy and superficially fulfilled through “Soma” drawing them away from questioning the truth about their personal freedom. Huxley’s world state becomes a replacement for “Christianity without tears”, connoting religion to be in adequate because humanity still experiences misery, war and poverty. In this phony world, the Savage desires truth and beauty, however Mond rejects the importance of truth substituting it with “universal happiness”, the utopian reference reinforces the illusory façade of the World State. The increased consumerism furthers the distraction from seeking the truth by provoking insights into government beliefs. Mond considers the paper he is reading to be “dangerous and potentially subversive” as he worries that purpose will make people think about God and question the truth. Huxley uses the ironic thought to portray the incompetence of the world state in its quest to successfully satisfy man’s greater questions and curiosities. The employment of formal language and parentheses of “mother and father (grotesque obscenity)” demonstrates the irrelevance of these terms in the World State. The world state draws on the abnormality of humanity by forcing sexual promiscuity to be a matter of obscenity, contrasting with the natural instinct of individuals. The manipulation of language becomes a vehicle through which the World State controls citizens in an attempt to prevent individuals from questioning the truth. (Link back to Q)
Questioning the truth can sometimes be perplexing. Artificial Intelligence explores the importance of emotions with the assistance of technology and science. Unlike Brave New World where parents are seen as a “grotesque obscenity”, Spielberg manipulates technology to become a platform for strengthening the importance of maternal relationships and their emotional associations. Technology holds the ability to create a mechanically engineered child who has immense feelings towards his mother. The facial expressions illustrated through the frontal camera angle portray the significance of having feelings within humanity. The use of the low camera angle creates empathy for the child as he does not know that he is a robot, reinforcing the ability of political regimes in manipulating the truth for individuals. He falls into believing he is a normal boy, contrasting with the conditioned humans in Brave New World. Although Spielberg enforces the importance of emotions in society, it becomes an artificial construct that is used to propagate the values of those in power. The absence of background noise and music creates a tense atmosphere as the dad starts to doubt the creation of the robotic kid. The father’s questioning serves as a didactic warning against diminishing individual thought in an attempt to abrogate social power. Spielberg’s notion of thought parallels the government in BNW doubting the purpose of conditioned children as a threat of initiating questions of purpose and truth. (Link back to Q)
Both composers draw on their perceptions of science and technology in allowing the government to take control of society and maintain power. The questioning of the truth however, is a result of the negative ramifications of science and technology. Huxley focuses on the benefits of technology by using it to condition humans and create a state full of individuals that have been shaped to behave a certain way. Spielberg similarly adopts technology and science to comment on the dangers of manipulating concepts that are beyond the control of individuals. Together both composers draw on the natural instincts of emotions and humanity to force the audience to question intentional intervention.
Essay with CommentsSpoilerThe political framework within societies can initiate curiosities which lead individuals to seek the truth. I think you could find a more concrete word than 'curiosities' here. Aldous Huxley’s 1931 novel, Brave New World, explores the role of technology and the government to dictate conditioned individuals in the World State. Similarly, Steven Spielberg’s 2001 film Artificial Intelligence analyses the impact of technology and science within society as a means of questioning the truth. Both works explore the role of politics and its consequential negative ramifications upon individuals and society as a whole. (Conclude introduction by answering the question)
Great introduction! Really like your explanation of the texts. Answer the question at the end, and you're golden :)
The ramifications of technology and science can be detrimental as they dictate the state of humanity. Huxley’s Brave New World explores the impact of technology and science in controlling individuals thought and action. The Bokanovsky’s process of human cloning is a key aspect of Huxley’s World State. The repetition of “major instruments of social stability” connotes the significance of this scientific process as a means of controlling humanity to maintain a façade of social stability. The government’s usurpation of power and control over individuals dictate their experience of the surrounding illusive world. The high modality of “our suggestions. Suggestions from the State” implies the conditioning of individuals by which they become restricted to values that the government holds for them. Mond diminishes the importance of god as something that “used to be”, naturalising the notion that everyone is gods property but religion in the modern world is superfluous. Through the text, Huxley manipulates the concept of god to be incompatible with “machinery and scientific medicine” thus rendering its importance futile for social organisation. God becomes obsolete in Brave New World and instead is replaced through the motifs of “Ford”, demonstrating that even religion has been replaced by reverence for technology. Fordian knowledge is propagated through the locking away of sacred texts, depriving citizens of the truth, religion and art for the sake of happiness, reiterating the notion that “history is bunk”. Huxley uses the demarcation of individuality as a vehicle for exploring his fears and fascination of technology at the turn of the 20th century.
This is a really fantastic paragraph, with lots of brilliant analysis. The difficulty for me is that you're not specifically answering a question; this makes commenting tough. Your analysis is great, but I think that when answering an Essay question, you won't have time to go through as much analysis as you've included above. Make sure to create a brilliant thesis, and continuously refer back to it throughout each paragraph. Honestly, though, I don't have much to comment on; your analysis is great, your language is fantastic, etc. etc.
A society full of expectations can place restrictions on individuals to act a certain way. Spielberg’s Artificial Intelligence explores the benefits of technology and science in fulfilling the desires of those in power. The film opens in a dark setting, symbolising power and control to illustrate the control technology has within society. Describe the opening more; assume the marker hasn't seen the movie. A 'dark setting' isn't enough; use your Creative Writing skills! The use of machine intelligence is an important aspect of society because of its potential to allow politicians to artificially recreate the substance lacking in society. Spielberg’s microcosmic world parallels Huxley’s literary trope of the World State where humans are conditioned and surrendered physically, emotionally and spiritually through the Bokanovsky’s process. Brilliant comparison. Keep this up, and try to do more comparisons like this! The human characterisation of the mecha robot contrasts with the World State in which conditioned humans are devoid of all feelings. The proximity of the protagonist mother with the robotic child asleep in the incubator parallels the hypnopaedia process of the World State. The restricted nature of the mecha robotic child is juxtaposed with his “real” brother. His actions become controlled by a superior being alluding to the incapacity of mechanised individuals to fully develop as normal human beings. (closing sentence according to Q) Don't just close referring to the question; refer to the question throughout the piece. Additionally, be careful not to spend too much time describing the plot of the text. Use the quote/scene, put it in context, and then analyse it. We don't need to have any sort of recount most of the time!
The concept of the truth can be dangerous as it has the ability to initiate thoughts about life and purpose. The repetition and italicisation of “Soma” emphasises its importance in the world state. If you're going to capitalise this, do it every time The government of Brave New World retains power by making its citizens so happy and superficially fulfilled through “Soma” drawing them away from questioning the truth about their personal freedom. I think you have a bit of problem when it comes to describing the plot, and bringing analysis together into a thesis. Rather than just analyse, tell you what's IMPORTANT about the analysis. Why do we care about the truth, or personal freedom? Why is this important? What does it say about society? Huxley’s world state becomes a replacement for “Christianity without tears”, connoting religion to be in adequate because humanity still experiences misery, war and poverty. In this phony world, the Savage desires truth and beauty, however Mond rejects the importance of truth substituting it with “universal happiness”, the utopian reference reinforces the illusory façade of the World State. The increased consumerism furthers the distraction from seeking the truth by provoking insights into government beliefs. Mond considers the paper he is reading to be “dangerous and potentially subversive” as he worries that purpose will make people think about God and question the truth. Huxley uses the ironic thought to portray the incompetence of the world state in its quest to successfully satisfy man’s greater questions and curiosities. The employment of formal language and parentheses of “mother and father (grotesque obscenity)” demonstrates the irrelevance of these terms in the World State. The world state draws on the abnormality of humanity by forcing sexual promiscuity to be a matter of obscenity, contrasting with the natural instinct of individuals. The manipulation of language becomes a vehicle through which the World State controls citizens in an attempt to prevent individuals from questioning the truth. (Link back to Q)
Look, obviously this is a band 6 essay (assuming you answer the question sufficiently) and so I don't have much to comment on. Potentially try to include some critical theory to REALLY impress the marker!
Questioning the truth can sometimes be perplexing. Artificial Intelligence explores the importance of emotions with the assistance of technology and science. Unlike Brave New World where parents are seen as a “grotesque obscenity”, Spielberg manipulates technology to become a platform for strengthening the importance of maternal relationships and their emotional associations. Technology holds the ability to create a mechanically engineered child who has immense feelings towards his mother. The facial expressions illustrated through the frontal camera angle portray the significance of having feelings within humanity. The use of the low camera angle creates empathy for the child as he does not know that he is a robot, reinforcing the ability of political regimes in manipulating the truth for individuals. He falls into believing he is a normal boy, contrasting with the conditioned humans in Brave New World. Although Spielberg enforces the importance of emotions in society, it becomes an artificial construct that is used to propagate the values of those in power. The absence of background noise and music creates a tense atmosphere as the dad starts to doubt the creation of the robotic kid. The father’s questioning serves as a didactic warning against diminishing individual thought in an attempt to abrogate social power. Spielberg’s notion of thought parallels the government in BNW doubting the purpose of conditioned children as a threat of initiating questions of purpose and truth. (Link back to Q)
Both composers draw on their perceptions of science and technology in allowing the government to take control of society and maintain power. The questioning of the truth however, is a result of the negative ramifications of science and technology. Huxley focuses on the benefits of technology by using it to condition humans and create a state full of individuals that have been shaped to behave a certain way. Spielberg similarly adopts technology and science to comment on the dangers of manipulating concepts that are beyond the control of individuals. Together both composers draw on the natural instincts of emotions and humanity to force the audience to question intentional intervention.
Here are my overall comments.
Brilliant essay. You'll get a band 6 if you keep this up!
Make sure to answer the question throughout your paragraph. Don't write this word-for-word, and then end with something about the question. Answer the question throughout the entire piece.
Don't just analyse a quote; explain WHY the quote is important to the human condition/to your theme.
Keep comparing texts in a more direct way than just Paragraph A, Paragraph B etc.
Keep it up! You've smashed this essay out of the park
Thank you so much! Also just regarding the feedback, you said to include critical theory. Does critical theory mean critics?
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 08:30:05 pm
Thank you so much! Also just regarding the feedback, you said to include critical theory. Does critical theory mean critics?
Yup! Absolutely not necessary, I just figured it could take your essay to another level
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 09, 2016, 08:32:52 pm
Hey Elyse!
Thank you again for reading my work haha :) In regards to textual integrity, although I understand it vaguely, I feel like the concept was never explicitly explained to me (thus resulting in its absence in my essay haha) so I was wondering whether you could just quickly run over it again for me? Is it related to how the concepts explored can transcend over time? Also, how on earth do you incorporate the reader's response into the essay? Like I understand that Mod B is supposed to be my personal response but how do you write an essay and include your personal voice in it at the same time? Normally your personal voice is already conveyed based on the quotes you've selected and the way you've chosen to analyse them. How do you make that even more explicit without starting to use personal pronouns haha and do you think the conceptual statements I have prepared are too narrow? I feel like they won't be able to address many questions. One last thing! If say in the exam I completely don't understand the question (it's happened before with these mod b questions) and I just regurgitate an essay (let's just say it's the complete opposite of the question), what mark would you expect to get? My teachers have told us the maximum is a high C but I feel like they're just saying that to scare us into not memorising.
Cheers!
Neutron
(Also, how embarrassing! The same word in the same sentence two spaces from each other! Good thing you pointed it out, no idea why I haven't noticed after reading it for the tenth time hahaha)
No sweat! Ok, so textual integrity is the cohesiveness of ideas as well as delivery - the way that all aspects of the text work together. So in turn, that is likely to mean that the content (or at leas the delivery) may resonate through time. I feel as though the best way to talk about your response is to say things like, "A contemporary student of the work..." or "A modern audience is likely to receive the work in a way..."
I don't think your conceptual statements are too narrow at all - they are very original! I think it's just about applying it in the exam by tweaking little bits ever so slightly :)
For the last question, it definitely depends on just how far off you are from the set question. I'd be agreeing with your teacher, without addressing the question at all you can't escape a Band 4, at most. To the best of your ability, try and at least use some of the words of the question, rather than avoiding it all together :)
Post by: :3 on October 09, 2016, 09:31:02 pm
Thanks for your patience :3
Some feedback in the spoiler below as well as after the spoiler :)SpoilerAnalyse how the representation of the relationship between people and politics has significance for both the individual and broader society.
The portrayal of relationships between citizens and their governments often plays a significant role in addressing societal issues surrounding the exercise of control. Aldous Huxley’s politically satirical novel Brave New World (1931) and James McTeigue’s compelling film V for Vendetta (2006) both explore the detrimental effects of a corrupt political agenda upon those dictated by it, which hence, emphasises the need for personal interventions in liberating others from it. Although manipulation by the government is often portrayed as being for the ‘greater good’ of society, it in the essence restricts civil liberty. You've jumped straight into identifying "politics" as "government." I'd be inclined to make the connection clearer, like, "citizens and their governing politics." Just so that you do respond to the question with its own words.
The overarching governmental objectives for power or efficiency has often resulted in the degradation of fundamental humanitarian values due to individuals being oppressed by fear mongering or manipulative means. In the novel, the World Controllers desire for universal order and stability within the State has led to forced conformity amongst society in order to achieve it. This is illustrated within the parody of the French Revolution Tripartite mantra of ‘liberty, equality, fraternity” within “community, identity, stability”, which contrast in values: one for civil freedom and the other for complete subservience. Good one! Likewise in the film, the conservative party Norsefire too aims to have total control of its British citizens in order to enforce their own regulations and to also become financially wealthy. [Insert quote/technique - need to find one :3]. Hence, to reinforce such compliance within the World State, technocratic means are employed such as hypnopaedic engineering and the use of the suppressive drug ‘soma’. Such process has led to social degeneracy as individuals are fundamentally being manipulated to accept governmental ideologies unconsciously; their actions have already been pre-determined like ‘robots’. These last two sentences are borderline too much plot retell without analysis - as a rule of thumb, any more than a sentence without the purpose of analysis or context is too much. This is evident within the situational irony of the Director of Hatchery’s statement “all conditioning aims at that: making people like their unescapable social destiny”, which highlights this immoral enslavement of human choice. Similarly, Norsefire too achieves it by taking advantage over the situation involving the outbreak of an unknown and deadly disease, created by them, by spreading fear through the use of the media and ultimately promising a cure, which guaranteed their election. The cliché of “fear became the ultimate tool…they promised you order, and all they demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent” illustrates this in which individuals had to sacrifice their civil liberty for societal ‘harmony’.Overall,the immense authority politicians had over their citizens has led to the deterioration of individual wellbeing as their freedom is essentially suppressed. Norsefire is in V for Vendetta right? I am raking my memory for the last time I watched it. If it is, then I'd be identifying Norsefire as part of V for Vendetta in this paragraph, because it currently isn't identified.
The manipulation of truth by governments is often performed to conceal the inhumane effects of their policies,Stop the sentence here so it is digestible, and then start a new one :) Your ideas are great for your arguments, just a bit long! which as a result, fabricates a false sense of security amongst the influenced. Mustapha Mond within the novel perceives his exercise of control as being vital for ‘universal order and happiness’ as exhibited within the metaphor of “wheels must turn steadily...there must be men to tend them, men...sane...obedient...stable in contentment”. Such representation of it as clockwork highlights the need for individuals, like cogs, to perform their specific roles to ensure efficiency. Likewise, Norsefire portrays their interventions as being a necessity in ensuring societal harmony as depicted within the repetition within “to fail is to invite doubt...doubt will plunge this country back into chaos”. Full stop goes inside the quotation mark :) This statement illustrates that if individuals were allowed to exercise their own free will, then regulations that ensured structure would be disregarded, resulting in turmoil. Consequently, Mond embeds such mentality within the psyche of the World State’s citizens as epitomised by Lenina, who is promiscuously active to ‘play her part’ in stability. This is demonstrated within the sexual allusion of “she was a popular girl and, at one time or another, had spent a night with almost all of them”, punctuation inside the quotation mark :)which highlights this decision but also the degrading nature of it as she is merely being portrayed as an object to be used, rather than a human being. Similarly, citizens under Norsefire regime also ‘understand’ the necessity of control, especially in regards to the persecution of those that oppose it, in achieving societal order as discernment often leads to anarchism and chaos, causing them to adopt a conformist identity. The figurative language within television host Dietrich’s statement of “you wear a mask for so long that you forget who you were beneath it” illustrates this compliance as he is living out a façade moulded by the government, rather than his genuine self, which is reinforced through propaganda and ‘coercion’; it in the essence subdues individuality completely. Hence, the manipulation of truth by governments ultimately leads to social injustice.
The tension between political and personal ideologies, brought about by a clash in values, can often lead to either positive or negative outcomes, depending on the individual's capability to liberate others from the government’s hegemonic control. John within the novel embodies the Shakespearian values of romanticism and honour, causing him to despise the hypnopaedic conformist ideal of “everyone belongs to everyone else” and ultimately the World Controller’s manipulation. The cumulative listing of yearnings within “I don’t want comfort. I want...real danger...freedom...sin” highlights this indictment of promiscuous values as he desires to earn his admiration, rather than assimilate into a society where it is degradingly easy to obtain. Likewise, V in the film found assurance within civil liberty, resulting in him to criticise the public’s abandonment of it for control, and supposedly peace. This is exhibited within the metaphor of “our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have...with it, we are free”, which demonstrates society’s nature to fall for enticingly positive outcomes, even when human rights, a necessity for individual happiness, is at stake. However, despite attempts to alter the World State’s citizens mentality from control to freedom, John realises the futility of it as their thoughts have been pre-determined since the beginning, causing him to commit suicide in an attempt to escape such dystopic and immoral world. The gruesome imagery of his death within “dangled a pair of feet...like...compass needles [that rotated endlessly]” demonstrates this in which humanity has lost its sense of direction, which as a result, has led to social injustice. Conversely, V had become a national symbol for justice and freedom as he had openly challenged and exposed the immoral intents of Norsefire. This is a good time to link back to the essay question!Consequently, citizens then realise the detrimental effects of such governmental policies on individuality, causing them to abandon it for V’s objective for anarchism in an attempt to restore civil liberty and ultimately freedom. The wide shot of the public dressed as ‘V’ exhibits such unity against the hegemonic control of the government, and also how one individual can start off a chain reaction that ‘flips’ political and individual relationships. You bring it back nicely to the topic at hand, the idea of individual and collective experiences of politics, but it needs to be weaved further throughout. You're definitely bringing it up on an implicit level, but now it's important to talk about it in a way that is linking at every point to the question :) Your analysis is great!
Conclusion: not sure how to write an effective one as I usually in a exam just regurgiate the question with my stance due to time constraints and hence, was wondering if you could provide an in-general structure for conclusions.
Conclusion instructions:
Generally aim for about four sentences. One talking about the essay question, one talking about one text, one talking about another text, (and their ideas and arguments) and one more than brings together the idea of what it is to have a relationship between people and politics.
This is a really great essay, your analysis is wonderful and most impressive is your integration of ideas and texts. That's what is going to draw the most attention to you from a marker!
To remember and work on:
-Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.
-You are referencing the ideas of people and politics, but sometimes too implicitly. You're still in the general area of people and politics because your analysis is so directed. Now, you just need to link the "effect" of a quote to exactly what the essay is asking of you. I'd put this at about a 16 out of 20 right now (it doesn't have a conclusion), and I can gaurantee that bringing it back to the question in a more explicit and conscious manner will be extremely helpful in boosting your marks!
There isn't a lot of criticism here - you've done a really great job :) It's so hard to critique your paragraphs because they are beautifully integrated and supported! :)
Mustapha Elyse,
Thank you so much! :P.
A quick question about your feedback: when you refer to my ideas about People and Politics being implicit, do you mean that I should explicitly refer to them (and also the question) in each analysis (or whenever I can)? For instance, something like: ...which higlights the influential nature of political agendas upon individual politics and freedom or ...accentuating the need for mutal relationships between people and politics to ensure moral codes are/justice is uphold.
Also, this may sound stupid, but what People and Politics ideas should I be explicitly referring to?
Post by: BPunjabi on October 09, 2016, 10:04:50 pm
Yep! Definitely a technique, but rather than just identifying it, tell me what the IMPACT of that technique is, and how it lends itself to an argument. Hey, for 25 minutes of work, it isn't half bad! Just definitely worth spending some more time on. Best of luck matey.
Hey Jake, I really cant find a sentence that works well with my intro, could you please help and direct me in which of these sound the best.
-The complex relationship between people and politics can be a difficult understanding once a group gains a sense of control and power
- Control is seen to be the ultimate goal for people involved in Politics as they strive to isolate and secularise people into believing in their ideas
- Every leader only strives for the ultimate goal of control, so they may isolate a group into conforming to their ideas
Thanks Jake :)
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 10:21:21 pm
Hey Jake, I really cant find a sentence that works well with my intro, could you please help and direct me in which of these sound the best.
-The complex relationship between people and politics can be a difficult understanding once a group gains a sense of control and power
- Control is seen to be the ultimate goal for people involved in Politics as they strive to isolate and secularise people into believing in their ideas
- Every leader only strives for the ultimate goal of control, so they may isolate a group into conforming to their ideas
Thanks Jake :)
I think the second one probably makes the most sense, and is most relevant :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 10, 2016, 11:22:03 am
Yep, that first sentence is definitely better. Are you saying she faces her own challenges, and the challenges placed on her by others? Potentially "distinguished poet..... facing challenges, both set by herself, and imposed on her by others" would be better!
Tenses are like past-tense, present-tense, future-tense. I WAS doing something, I AM doing something, I WILL do something. You tend to get these mixed up a lot, and you definitely need to be consistent (preferably past tense!).
Yep absolutely use the line, because it's a very good point, I just think you need to be clearer.
You're not an idiot! I understand what you're talking about, but you need to make sure a marker does as well :)
That's no problem at all! Good luck :)
Hey Jake or Jamon,
I have 30 more posts so I thought I would post my edited BNW and BR. I have put more time and effort into it so hopefully it is better.
Control is seen to be the ultimate goal for people involved in Politics as they strive to isolate and secularise people into believing in their ideas. This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation. ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions for an organisation. Both texts highlight satirical techniques which show the powerful and complex relationship between people and politics especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy.
Leaders strive for the ultimate goal of control as they can secularise a group into conforming to their central ideas. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which enumerates the book serving as a warning of how the public could conform to temporal behaviour. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights in his text the "death of civilisation" he felt when visiting America and witnessing the ford production line. It is gathered that he felt and organisation had the power to replace anyone in a mass instant. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” is drilled into the communities head to make sure they don't feel isolated, and conform to the rules set by the Director. Ironically Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered five Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. Irony is used as a way of setting up a dystopian society which is ruled by a Machiavellian styled character who believes these three elements can control the society into integrating his views. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Capitalisation of Director, to show the relationship between the himself and the staff as the dialogue hints a sense of a political hierarchy. Through politics, leaders have the ability and chance to gain control, forcing a civilisation to attune to concepts put forward.
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?. ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir to distance the audience from the characters and their actions. The environment is seen controlled on a large scale portraying how animals have developed into mere commodities. This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the political allowed migration to America occurring after world war II. At the start of the movie, Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a sense of superiority as the civilisation is run by political masterminds. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society when political officials are rulers.
In comparison to control, Isolation can also be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands will have devastating effects including isolation and suppression until leaders reach their personal goals. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book counting; isolation from other people, isolation from society and self alienation, ultimately leading characters to their downfall. Similarly to 'Blade Runner' One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time, Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed and conformed into the public by the fierce political Director. The repetition of "Alone" uses isolation to perceive John as being able to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality which parallels to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental political leaders in their mission to gain control and secularise a nation.
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental to the society. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government suggesting the idea, that Scott felt in the future, the world would split into multiple factions with political figures at the head. Furthermore, sub character Sebastian is living in a complex, being forced to build his own friends as a result of isolation, notioning the symbolised seclusion and the isolation of the world as it grew closer to materialistic values. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income. Ironically, the political system has influenced Sebastian to make these androids to make society more sociable but has resulted in him being isolated.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts as their government’s forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about. Both texts use the influence of satirical techniques which identifying the relationship between people and politics specifically in how it effects their political system and hierarchy.
Post by: IkeaandOfficeworks on October 10, 2016, 11:25:06 am
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 10, 2016, 12:33:06 pm
Hi guys, I'm attaching my Module B essay (Yeats' poems) for marking. Thank you. :)Hi IkeaandOfficeworks,
Great to see you have already got 18 posts!! Unfortunately however, you need 30 posts to get an essay marked through these busy times of the HSC. This is only 12 more posts and is easily done! Hanging around HSC discussion threads, general question thread is a good way.
And remember asking or answering a question counts as a post, although games sections' don't.
Looking forward to seeing your post count hit 30 :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 10, 2016, 12:35:36 pm
Hi IkeaandOfficeworks,
Great to see you have already got 18 posts!! Unfortunately however, you need 30 posts to get an essay marked through these busy times of the HSC. This is only 12 more posts and is easily done! Hanging around HSC discussion threads, general question thread is a good way.
And remember asking or answering a question counts as a post, although games sections' don't.
Looking forward to seeing your post count hit 30 :)
::)You should be an english mod ahaha ;D
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 10, 2016, 12:44:44 pm
::)You should be an english mod ahaha ;D
Haha ;D i'd me a mod of half of atarnotes then what with Religion, Maths and Science im a mod of already
Post by: BPunjabi on October 10, 2016, 12:46:36 pm
Haha ;D i'd me a mod of half of atarnotes then what with Religion, Maths and Science im a mod of already
Do you just literally ask what mod you want to be...
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 10, 2016, 12:54:52 pm
Do you just literally ask what mod you want to be...
Nah brendan decides based on your knowledge and where you are most active. But you can ask what mod you want to be, just dont always get accepted into that ;D
Post by: BPunjabi on October 10, 2016, 12:57:55 pm
Nah brendan decides based on your knowledge and where you are most active. But you can ask what mod you want to be, just dont always get accepted into that ;D
ahaha noice, you remembered your essays/quotes yet?
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 10, 2016, 01:03:29 pm
ahaha noice, you remembered your essays/quotes yet?Depends what module you are talking about :D
Mod B- Cloudstreet- got quite a lot in my quote bank
Mod A- KR3/LFR- got enough to get by, need to do more on context and values
Mod C- Art of Travel and ORT- well, im sure ill think of something lol
Im not a big fan of remembering my essays though, only my creative :)
Post by: sudodds on October 10, 2016, 01:48:04 pm
MODULE A: ESSAY
Question: The challenge of living your own life is an idea that connects Pride and Prejudice and Letter to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen. How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
Traditional opinions in regards to the ways individuals should live have developed and changed across contexts. Thus, composes will continue to consider what it means to “live” in different ways, as to remain relevant to their context, audience and universal responders. This is evident through a comparison of Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary work Letter’s to Alice. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo of marriage, and how it impacts individual freedoms, through reshaping the themes of class, gender and the rebellion. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, while Weldon re-contextualizes Austen’s critique in order to validate their shared desire for social change.
The social cues dictated by a strict class structure has remained a relevant thematic concern across contexts. In comparing the work of Austen and Weldon, it is evident that Weldon has appropriated the issues related to this challenge to suit her contemporary world. Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class greatly affected their ability to live freely, demonstrated through Austen’s use of characterization, whereby the simplicity of the gentry class (the Bennets) is juxtaposed against the extravagant arrogance and narcissism of the aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough, in order to textually keep “the distinction of rank preserved.” Austen’s use of imagery also alludes to this theme, as she vividly describes the luxury of Mr. Darcy’s Pemberley estate in comparison with the modesty of the Bennet’s dwelling.
Through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained, however also subverted, through providing the opportunity for social mobility. This intrinsic link between marriage and class remains a critical theme which Weldon explores further, through re-contextualizing Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, enabling contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the novel. This is achieved through her discussion of the options for women outside marriage and its purpose of providing financial security, utilizing satire and juxtaposition to emphasis this further, stating that marriage “is the stuff of our [contemporary] women’s magazines, but it was the stuff of their life [during the Regency period], their very existence.”
Weldon also uses explicit inter-textual reference to what she perceives to be subversive elements of Austen’s work to deal with Austen’s criticisms more directly. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love rather than socio-economic necessity. Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they desire, but may not be afforded to them in reality. Through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more, and that it can be attained through the search for knowledge. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognize Austen’s aims, to expose the flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established social conventions.
The role of women and how it creates challenges within individual’s lives is a key theme with inter-contextual relevance, as evident through both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice. In order to understand the hyperbolic attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born,” writings within a patriarchal society, her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.”
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to live independently, almost always at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. Marriage enabled many families, to maintain social security put into jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated through her characterization of Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married,” before Mr Bennet dies.
Through the re-contextualization of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the domestic expectations of women were still prevalent, it was now facing major opposition. Society had made significant progress since Austen’s time in regards to the abilities and rights of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the desperation of the women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilizes contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives, reinforcing the struggles of the past that today are no longer an issue. For example, when, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation appears justified.
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of “Literature with a capital L” as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society.
The use of a rebellious character is a key technique employed by subversive texts, enabling the author an outlet in which to comment upon society from within the story in order to promote a similar sense of “rebellion”. Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them. Within Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilizes as her authorial voice, does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through Austen’s use of the narrator point of view, in which the reader gains access to Elizabeth’s thoughts and emotions in regards to various major plot moments – such as Mr. Collins proposal. Thus, as the reader is gaining Elizabeth’s perspective upon the events that unfold, along with the comments from other characters that affirm this perception, Elizabeth’s subversiveness is praised rather than discouraged. Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead to greater happiness. Weldon utilizes the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of rebellious characters, Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values independent from societal influence.
Therefore, through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom, as they both serve to reshape not only our understand of each other, but of our contemporary society.
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 10, 2016, 01:52:08 pm
How is this communicated in the texts you have studied? In your response, consider the motivations driving the events in your texts.)
In society, people in politics have been in a position that have allowed them to impose a beneficial or negative impact on one’s perspectives to reveal either the best or worst of one’s world. In order to do so one must look at their society and take notice of the way it can be perceived. This can be shown through the motives and messages that have been received by the audience. People in a position of power have the ability to alter people’s perspectives to portray a particular message, this is evident in Barry Levinson’s 1997 film Wag the Dog and Lincoln @ Gettysburg a political documentary published in 1992. In Wag the Dog the representation of people in politics develop the notion of manipulation whilst in Lincoln @ Gettysburg develop ideas of empowerment and encouragement to reflect society’s views.
Post by: nibblez16 on October 10, 2016, 01:58:40 pm
Hello, Id like my essay checked as its my weakest Module, and can I have detailed feedback as teachers dont really help, also a mark out of 15 i guess? Thank You so much... :)
Post by: justdoit on October 10, 2016, 02:13:13 pm
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 10, 2016, 02:54:12 pm
Wow,the feedback here is amazing!!!
all thanks to our amazing ATARnotes team and students :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 10, 2016, 07:41:22 pm
Hey Guys!
Could you please also supply a mark out of 15.
Thanks,
Bobby
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in diversified ways including constant struggles and challenges. Ang Lee's dramatic film ‘Life of Pi' (2012) captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live. Sylvia Plath's 1962 poem ‘Cut’, focuses on the assertion of abilities, justifying its process of discovery whilst commenting on the symbolic subject of mortality. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and now found.
Through surpassing boundaries and attempting perilous journeys, the exploration of the physical, spiritual and emotional can be assessed by transformation. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries, such as the unique relationship between animal and man whilst also exploring the concept of mortality being an ambiguous phenomenon . Self discovery is explored towards the middle of the film as Throughout the film it is conveyed that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival which displays his use of spiritual discoveries and the many beliefs included in each. Lee's use of a long shot accentuates the competition for dominance between Parker and Pi, with the sea representing how loneliness and desperation has forced the physical and emotion transformation of the persona. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities. MORE ANALYSIS NEEDED
Plath commonly explores the ambiguous notion of societal ideals for women, relating to her audience during the 60’s who wanted to expedite away from these Ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plath's suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society analysing where women were subjugated towards being housewives. On contemplating her bleeding theme, the persona muses “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run", Imagery connecting Plath's context of her husband’s adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath's persona constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the option of suicide. From this complex imagery of welfare, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.
Ang Lee utilises symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ focusing on the ambiguous meanings of hurdles in Pi's transformation, allowing him to explore a range of perceptions. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. Through symbolic imagery It is clearly evident that the use of water, represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the biblical allusion of the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island, not being a voluntary transformation, Pi remembers his Christian values as well as animalistic qualities. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots, Showing the audience the features of a religious exploration. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plath's works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plath's exploration of self. For example, the simple symbolic notion of "blood" represents assorted meanings such as genetics, life force and family/personal history. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was prevalent. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censurae to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her. From the numerous symbols included in "Cut", Plath successfully conveys her exploration on idealistic views of how social constraint has a pessimistic effect on women.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. 'Life of Pi' reflects the transformation of a child whose inevitable responsibility is to grow up, being available through continuous challenges along his journey. The persona from 'Cut' experiences something for the first time which is revealed to have negatively influenced her, making the discovery that traitorous "blood" represents the fickle relationship between herself and husband, a common misconception of the 60's. As both of these texts relate to personal transformation, they also distinguish ideas of graphic symbolism and the need for a chance to live.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 08:44:00 pm
This is my 2/2 Essays just submitted (other one is on previous page)
Hey Guys!
Could you please also supply a mark out of 15.
Thanks,
Bobby
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in diversified ways including constant struggles and challenges. Ang Lee's dramatic film ‘Life of Pi' (2012) captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live. Sylvia Plath's 1962 poem ‘Cut’, focuses on the assertion of abilities, justifying its process of discovery whilst commenting on the symbolic subject of mortality. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and now found.
Through surpassing boundaries and attempting perilous journeys, the exploration of the physical, spiritual and emotional can be assessed by transformation. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries, such as the unique relationship between animal and man whilst also exploring the concept of mortality being an ambiguous phenomenon . Self discovery is explored towards the middle of the film as Throughout the film it is conveyed that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival which displays his use of spiritual discoveries and the many beliefs included in each. Lee's use of a long shot accentuates the competition for dominance between Parker and Pi, with the sea representing how loneliness and desperation has forced the physical and emotion transformation of the persona. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities. MORE ANALYSIS NEEDED
Plath commonly explores the ambiguous notion of societal ideals for women, relating to her audience during the 60’s who wanted to expedite away from these Ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plath's suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society analysing where women were subjugated towards being housewives. On contemplating her bleeding theme, the persona muses “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run", Imagery connecting Plath's context of her husband’s adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath's persona constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the option of suicide. From this complex imagery of welfare, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.
Ang Lee utilises symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ focusing on the ambiguous meanings of hurdles in Pi's transformation, allowing him to explore a range of perceptions. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. Through symbolic imagery It is clearly evident that the use of water, represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the biblical allusion of the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island, not being a voluntary transformation, Pi remembers his Christian values as well as animalistic qualities. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots, Showing the audience the features of a religious exploration. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plath's works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plath's exploration of self. For example, the simple symbolic notion of "blood" represents assorted meanings such as genetics, life force and family/personal history. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was prevalent. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censurae to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her. From the numerous symbols included in "Cut", Plath successfully conveys her exploration on idealistic views of how social constraint has a pessimistic effect on women.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. 'Life of Pi' reflects the transformation of a child whose inevitable responsibility is to grow up, being available through continuous challenges along his journey. The persona from 'Cut' experiences something for the first time which is revealed to have negatively influenced her, making the discovery that traitorous "blood" represents the fickle relationship between herself and husband, a common misconception of the 60's. As both of these texts relate to personal transformation, they also distinguish ideas of graphic symbolism and the need for a chance to live.
My math says you need 180 posts to get this marked mate! :)
Post by: isaacdelatorre on October 10, 2016, 09:09:33 pm
I'm not sure how many posts I have or if I qualify for an essay marked. Could you please let me know how many more posts I need to get an essay marked?
I'm leaving my Mod C essay here and I'll be sure to hopefully reach the required posts soon :)
As well as general feedback, if you could outline areas where I go on tangents or that are not very clear or aren't working, please let me know as it is quite long still :)
Thank you guys soo much!!! not sure where i'd be without ATARnotes :D :D
Spoiler
A composer’s representation of people and politics is often a criticism of a composer’s contemporary context, reflecting political motivations and acts and their ramifications on individuals and society more broadly. Arthur Miller’s dramatic play The Crucible (1953) explores how competing voices are silenced in 1692 Salem, paralleling his contextual political situation of McCarthyism. Similarly, Lee Daniels’ historical feature film, The Butler (2013) explores competing political perspectives surrounding the American civil rights movement. Dissent in the form of political perspectives that oppose the majority’s view are silenced by the majority which can cause injustice to individuals and broader society. Both composers utilise a variety of dramatic and cinematic techniques in order represent political situations of their own context; commenting on and criticising the impacts of political acts that silence competing political perspectives, whilst positioning audiences to agree with their point of view.
Political events and situations are tumultuous, causing dissent from competing political perspectives that challenge widely accepted beliefs. Miller condemns his contexts’ political situation of McCarthyism which arbitrarily accused and punished perceived communists who threatened the socialist regime. The Theocracy’s reign, using religion as a vehicle to maintain and exercise control, is Miller’s deliberate representation of his political context, allowing him to indirectly criticise the McCarthyist regime. Corruption and materialism that characterise the theocracy, evokes a negative attitude within the audience; evident in Proctor’s hyperbolic criticism of Parris’ demands that he “preach nothin’ but golden candlesticks for 20 weeks until he had them.” Dissension through competing political perspectives threaten the theocracy’s control over Salem, epitomised through Danforth’s metaphor “A person is either with this court or he must be counted against it, there be no road in between.” Miller depicts competing political perspectives that are hidden behind adherence or denial of religious rules, thus making political motivations ambiguous. By representing his own political context, Miller effectively conveys to responders how those in power silence dissenters in order to maintain control. Excessive repetition of questioning and pleading in “What say you, sir? Will you drop this charge? What say you to that?” exemplify the Theocracy’s attempts to silence Proctor’s dissent, revealing their overwhelming desire to maintain control. Thus Miller depicts dissent in Salem as an effective representation of his political situation, conveying to responders how these individual perspectives are unjustly silenced.
Just as Miller represents those in power silencing dissent, Daniels describes the political climate of the American civil rights movement that dissented against the white majority to gain control. A low angle shot combined with the commanding tone of the white Ms Annabelle, as she orders the black slaves, “I don’t even wanna hear you breathe” emphasises the white majority’s supremacist perspective. Scared facial expressions of the black slaves deliberately positions responders to negatively view the white majority’s views. Dissension against this shared perspective is represented through any political perspective that opposes the elitist views of the white majority in 20th century America. President Kennedy’s television address that plays on top of majestic string and brass non-diegetic music, inspires responders with his desire to “enact legislation, giving all Americans the right to be served … in hotels, restaurants and theatres.” Cumulation of facilities emphasises the existing oppression of the minority and like Miller, deliberately positions responders to negatively view those in power. Civil rights activists, represented through the Black Panthers, dissent against black oppression, epitomised through political acts of repeating “I would like to be served” at a white diner. This act of dissent threatens the white majority’s control, highlighted by a panning shot across a room of angered white facial expressions; allowing Daniels’ to convey the need for dissent in an oppressive society. Thus, competing political motivations cause conflict within society, necessitating dissent in order to gain a change in control.
Competing political perspectives may be silenced through political acts that can result in injustice for individuals and broader society. As a representation of his own context, Miller condemns the injustice that results from attempts to silence competing political perspectives. The theological political perspective is described by Hale as “a fortress, no crack in a fortress may be counted small,” exposing the need to silence dissent in order to maintain control. Danforth’s hyperbole and exclamation in “I shall hang ten thousand that dare to rise against the law!” epitomises the extent to which the theocracy will act and cause fear and injustice to society as a whole; in which Miller deliberate manipulates responders to harshly criticise these political acts. Utilisation of the crescendo effect, inherent within each act, effectively ensures audience engagement. Responders consequently have a heightened understanding of Miller’s purpose that condemns injustice that results from silencing dissent, exposed through explanatory notes/stage directions to “show that the sin of public terror is that it divests man of conscience … expose the guilt which the hysteria merely unleashed.” The moral conscience of Salem, revealed through biblical allusions of “saint like Rebecca,” whose death by the theocracy epitomises injustice to individuals that is caused by silencing dissent. Thus Miller’s representation of the Theocracy silencing dissent as a reflection of his own context positions readers to condemn oppressive regimes.
Whilst Miller deliberately portrays the silencing of competing perspectives as unjust, reflecting his political McCarthyist context, Daniels reflects the American civil rights movement as necessary due to widespread injustice from the white majority silencing dissent. Those that dissent are punished through political acts involving humiliation and violence that strip away individual rights. Forlorn music enhances Kennedy’s report on Louis’ arrest, “He’s pretty beat up. Based on his record he must be used to it. He’s been arrested 16 times.” Cecil’s sombre facial expression and lowered head, highlights the unjust ramifications of political acts on families and broader society, deliberately positioning readers to condemn the oppressive white majority. Acts of violence against the minority create oppression and injustice, evident in the diner where the white majority shout derogatory terms in angry tones at activists, “Get up nigger” and “Does it say coons here?” Rapid transitions between numerous violent acts against the activists, highlights the overwhelming ability of the shared political perspective to silence individuals. Cecil’s voice over “Mrs Kennedy refused to change her clothes so that everybody could see what they did to her husband” as her pristine costuming is symbolically stained with blood, emphasises injustice as a result of the white majority’s political act of Kennedy’s assassination. The effects of political acts on families is evident through her facial expressions of crying and pain in conjunction with melancholy non-diegetic background music. Thus, political acts to silence competing perspectives results in injustice and oppression to those that threaten the shared perspectives control.
Thus representations of people and politics highlight the different political motivations within society. When the shared perspective is threatened, political acts ensue to silence contrasting opinions, resulting in injustice to those that are targeted. Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and Lee Daniel’s The Butler both represent historical events that allow their composer to comment on the political situation at the time.
Political events and situations are tumultuous, causing dissent from competing political perspectives that challenge widely accepted beliefs. Miller condemns his contexts’ political situation of McCarthyism which arbitrarily accused and punished perceived communists who threatened the socialist regime. The Theocracy’s reign, using religion as a vehicle to maintain and exercise control, is Miller’s deliberate representation of his political context, allowing him to indirectly criticise the McCarthyist regime. Corruption and materialism that characterise the theocracy, evokes a negative attitude within the audience; evident in Proctor’s hyperbolic criticism of Parris’ demands that he “preach nothin’ but golden candlesticks for 20 weeks until he had them.” Dissension through competing political perspectives threaten the theocracy’s control over Salem, epitomised through Danforth’s metaphor “A person is either with this court or he must be counted against it, there be no road in between.” Miller depicts competing political perspectives that are hidden behind adherence or denial of religious rules, thus making political motivations ambiguous. By representing his own political context, Miller effectively conveys to responders how those in power silence dissenters in order to maintain control. Excessive repetition of questioning and pleading in “What say you, sir? Will you drop this charge? What say you to that?” exemplify the Theocracy’s attempts to silence Proctor’s dissent, revealing their overwhelming desire to maintain control. Thus Miller depicts dissent in Salem as an effective representation of his political situation, conveying to responders how these individual perspectives are unjustly silenced.
Just as Miller represents those in power silencing dissent, Daniels describes the political climate of the American civil rights movement that dissented against the white majority to gain control. A low angle shot combined with the commanding tone of the white Ms Annabelle, as she orders the black slaves, “I don’t even wanna hear you breathe” emphasises the white majority’s supremacist perspective. Scared facial expressions of the black slaves deliberately positions responders to negatively view the white majority’s views. Dissension against this shared perspective is represented through any political perspective that opposes the elitist views of the white majority in 20th century America. President Kennedy’s television address that plays on top of majestic string and brass non-diegetic music, inspires responders with his desire to “enact legislation, giving all Americans the right to be served … in hotels, restaurants and theatres.” Cumulation of facilities emphasises the existing oppression of the minority and like Miller, deliberately positions responders to negatively view those in power. Civil rights activists, represented through the Black Panthers, dissent against black oppression, epitomised through political acts of repeating “I would like to be served” at a white diner. This act of dissent threatens the white majority’s control, highlighted by a panning shot across a room of angered white facial expressions; allowing Daniels’ to convey the need for dissent in an oppressive society. Thus, competing political motivations cause conflict within society, necessitating dissent in order to gain a change in control.
Competing political perspectives may be silenced through political acts that can result in injustice for individuals and broader society. As a representation of his own context, Miller condemns the injustice that results from attempts to silence competing political perspectives. The theological political perspective is described by Hale as “a fortress, no crack in a fortress may be counted small,” exposing the need to silence dissent in order to maintain control. Danforth’s hyperbole and exclamation in “I shall hang ten thousand that dare to rise against the law!” epitomises the extent to which the theocracy will act and cause fear and injustice to society as a whole; in which Miller deliberate manipulates responders to harshly criticise these political acts. Utilisation of the crescendo effect, inherent within each act, effectively ensures audience engagement. Responders consequently have a heightened understanding of Miller’s purpose that condemns injustice that results from silencing dissent, exposed through explanatory notes/stage directions to “show that the sin of public terror is that it divests man of conscience … expose the guilt which the hysteria merely unleashed.” The moral conscience of Salem, revealed through biblical allusions of “saint like Rebecca,” whose death by the theocracy epitomises injustice to individuals that is caused by silencing dissent. Thus Miller’s representation of the Theocracy silencing dissent as a reflection of his own context positions readers to condemn oppressive regimes.
Whilst Miller deliberately portrays the silencing of competing perspectives as unjust, reflecting his political McCarthyist context, Daniels reflects the American civil rights movement as necessary due to widespread injustice from the white majority silencing dissent. Those that dissent are punished through political acts involving humiliation and violence that strip away individual rights. Forlorn music enhances Kennedy’s report on Louis’ arrest, “He’s pretty beat up. Based on his record he must be used to it. He’s been arrested 16 times.” Cecil’s sombre facial expression and lowered head, highlights the unjust ramifications of political acts on families and broader society, deliberately positioning readers to condemn the oppressive white majority. Acts of violence against the minority create oppression and injustice, evident in the diner where the white majority shout derogatory terms in angry tones at activists, “Get up nigger” and “Does it say coons here?” Rapid transitions between numerous violent acts against the activists, highlights the overwhelming ability of the shared political perspective to silence individuals. Cecil’s voice over “Mrs Kennedy refused to change her clothes so that everybody could see what they did to her husband” as her pristine costuming is symbolically stained with blood, emphasises injustice as a result of the white majority’s political act of Kennedy’s assassination. The effects of political acts on families is evident through her facial expressions of crying and pain in conjunction with melancholy non-diegetic background music. Thus, political acts to silence competing perspectives results in injustice and oppression to those that threaten the shared perspectives control.
Thus representations of people and politics highlight the different political motivations within society. When the shared perspective is threatened, political acts ensue to silence contrasting opinions, resulting in injustice to those that are targeted. Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and Lee Daniel’s The Butler both represent historical events that allow their composer to comment on the political situation at the time.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 09:31:07 pm
Hey guys,
I'm not sure how many posts I have or if I qualify for an essay marked. Could you please let me know how many more posts I need to get an essay marked?
Hey Isaac! You qualify! We'll get you feedback ASAP! :)
Post by: nibblez16 on October 10, 2016, 09:32:48 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 09:39:25 pm
Hello, I posted my essay a while ago, till when will I get a feedback? Thank You :)
You only posted your essay 7 hours ago, sorry bud, but that's not really that long. Hang in there, we'll get to you asap :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 09:51:10 pm
Hey Jamon since you marked my Mod C essay i was wondering if you could look at the introduction again to see if I've managed to convey it clearer? (The question was Representations of people and politics often reveal either the best or worst of our world.
How is this communicated in the texts you have studied? In your response, consider the motivations driving the events in your texts.)
Hey Mary!
In society, people in politics have been in a position that have allowed them to impose a beneficial or negative impact on one’s perspectives to reveal either the best or worst of one’s world. Try not to go past tense with your Thesis; people in politics ARE in positions that... In order to do so one must look at their society and take notice of the way it can be perceived. This can be shown through the motives and messages that have been received by the audience. There is no indicator that you are talking about texts yet. So my response is; audience for what? People in a position of power have the ability to alter people’s perspectives to portray a particular message, this is evident in Barry Levinson’s 1997 film Wag the Dog and Lincoln @ Gettysburg a political documentary published in 1992. In Wag the Dog the representation of people in politics develop the notion of manipulation whilst in Lincoln @ Gettysburg develop ideas of empowerment and encouragement to reflect society’s views. I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence, perhaps identifying that these ideas are represented through techniques.
I think it's an improvement for sure Mary! Still room for polish though :)
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 10, 2016, 10:03:10 pm
Hey Mary!
In society, people in politics have been in a position that have allowed them to impose a beneficial or negative impact on one’s perspectives to reveal either the best or worst of one’s world. Try not to go past tense with your Thesis; people in politics ARE in positions that... In order to do so one must look at their society and take notice of the way it can be perceived. This can be shown through the motives and messages that have been received by the audience. There is no indicator that you are talking about texts yet. So my response is; audience for what? People in a position of power have the ability to alter people’s perspectives to portray a particular message, this is evident in Barry Levinson’s 1997 film Wag the Dog and Lincoln @ Gettysburg a political documentary published in 1992. In Wag the Dog the representation of people in politics develop the notion of manipulation whilst in Lincoln @ Gettysburg develop ideas of empowerment and encouragement to reflect society’s views. I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence, perhaps identifying that these ideas are represented through techniques.
I think it's an improvement for sure Mary! Still room for polish though :)
thank you Jamon ill keep working on that introduction
Post by: Emerald99 on October 10, 2016, 11:12:52 pm
Post by: BPunjabi on October 10, 2016, 11:22:37 pm
My math says you need 180 posts to get this marked mate! :)
90 was the last one I got marked... i just posted one around 120 posts and now I just posted at 150?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 11:35:12 pm
90 was the last one I got marked... i just posted one around 120 posts and now I just posted at 150?
Nope, my spreadsheet says you need 180, the last one needed 150 which you had reached, I think perhaps you are missing one? Are you counting the feedback you received for your SOR responses? That is probably where the discrepancy lies.
You are 20 posts off anyway, you'll get there quick :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 10, 2016, 11:43:09 pm
Nope, my spreadsheet says you need 180, the last one needed 150 which you had reached, I think perhaps you are missing one? Are you counting the feedback you received for your SOR responses? That is probably where the discrepancy lies.
You are 20 posts off anyway, you'll get there quick :)
Omg, totally forgot about that ahah... Dont worry, give me 10 mins ill be there... still have a lot of posts I have not responded to yet :P
Post by: brenden on October 11, 2016, 02:49:00 pm
Hey Jake or Jamon,There's three focus areas you need, I think.
I have 30 more posts so I thought I would post my edited BNW and BR. I have put more time and effort into it so hopefully it is better.
Control is seen to be the ultimate goal for people involved in Politics as they strive to isolate and secularise people into believing in their ideas Solid sentence, "secularise" is a tiny bit odd. Do you mean segregate people? If so, it would be more like "segregate people, SO those people believe their ideas" (i wouldn't write literally that), but secularising/segregating people into believing is an odd turn of phrase. Really on the right track with this on a conceptual level. I like the idea of control, segregation. But, how?. This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation. ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions how do you think an action? for an organisation. Both texts highlight satirical techniques which show the powerful and complex relationship between people and politicscomma here is important. it's a good intro, want a good last sentence especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy.Great intro, well done. Some small improvement to be had in the first sentence.
Leaders strive for the ultimate goal of control as they can secularise a group into conforming to their central ideas.Again, it's not fully clear what you are saying here. To make something secular is to separate it from god/church/spirituality. This concept doesn't 100% make sense but it's really close. I think segregate is a better word, but even then, you'd have to make clear the idea of segregating people for control. Huxley addresses many issues including the addiction to materialism, which enumerates the book Doesn't make sense. Enumerate the book? serving as a warning of how the public could conform to temporal behaviour. Targeting the general public, Huxley highlights in his text the "death of civilisation" he felt when visiting America and witnessing the ford production line. It is gathered that he felt and organisation had the power to replace anyone in a mass instant. The repetitive motto “COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY” is drilled into the communities head to make sure they don't feel isolated, and conform to the rules set by the Director. Feel like you could do more analysing this technique Ironically Community stands for the Satirised Christianity, whilst Identity refers to the genetically engineered five Classes in which everyone is taught to conform. Stability highlights how people the same are less likely to cause conflict. Irony is used as a way of setting up a dystopian society which is ruled by a Machiavellian styled character who believes these three elements can control the society into integrating his views. In chapter 3 Henry foster says “It's all right, Director," "I won't corrupt them." This quote uses Capitalisation of Director, to show the relationship between the himself and the staff as the dialogue hints a sense of a political hierarchy. Through politics, leaders have the ability and chance to gain control, forcing a civilisation to attune to concepts put forward.I see what you're trying to do with this last sentence, and it's good, but it could have more depth and sophistication and tie more strongly back to the points you were trying to make in the first paragraph (which isn't 100% clear but I think would be with a stronger first sentence and more reference BACK to that idea f segregation and how it's happening politically, how control is being seized (hint - techniques).
The discussion of control being a complex and a varied issue is prominently seen in the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which focuses on famous science fiction novel Do androids dream of electric sheep?would underline this title . ‘Blade runner’ uses the technique of film noir to distance the audience from the characters and their actions.how? The environment is seen controlled on a large scale portraying how animals have developed into mere commodities. This oppressive backdrop clarifies why many people are going to the off-world colonies, which clearly parallels the political allowed migration to America occurring after world war II. At the start of the movie, Close shot of pyramid styled buildings with evoking images of pharaohs to suggest a sense of superiority as the civilisation is run by political mastermindsunclear. It is mentioned that the company are on top of the political hierarchy where the government are below them, acting as paid promoters. This financial sense of control plays a major role in determining leadership and how it has effect on a society when political officials are rulers. I feel as if this paragraph treads water instead of swimming through it... What meat are you getting from BR? You want to suck the juice out of it, take the meat off the bone. What are the best techniques that reinforce your discussion? You could G-up on film noir and spit some gangster shit about the distancing/frame of the movie shots, but I feel like you back down from the streets and run into McDonald's to be safe instead. Go hard or go home w/ your depth of analysis coz these streets are mean. (also make sure your clarity is on point)
In comparison to control, Isolation can also be a dangerous conundrum, which when in the wrong hands will have devastating effects including isolation and suppression until leaders reach their personal goals how can isolation be in someone's hands? or the wrong or the right hands? And obviously an effect of isolation is isolation. You could have a stronger first sentence here. In Brave New World, Isolation has a significant impact which contributes to the unique relationship between people and politics, such as characters like Bernard and the Director. Three types of isolation revolve around this book counting; isolation from other people, isolation from society and self alienation, ultimately leading characters to their downfall. Similarly to 'Blade Runner' i got excited when i saw similarly to blade runner, but then................. what is similarly to blade runner? It looks like you just put those words in the sentencea nd hoped it did work for you but in actuality it hasn't done much One of the main persona’s in the novel, Bernard is clearly seen by the audience to be an outcast from the rest of the society, suggesting that Huxley may have been feeling this way with the advancements in technology. In Chapter 8, persona John the savage mentions that he had discovered Time, Death and God. "Alone, always alone," the young man was saying. John is depicted as an outcast, brainwashed and conformed into the public by the fierce political Director. The repetition of "Alone" uses isolation to perceive John as being able to reflect his solitude, exploring his spirituality which parallels to Huxley's growing favour in Eugenics. As Isolation have clearly had an effect on Huxley and his outlook on governmental political leaders in their mission to gain control and secularise a nation. I'm confused as to whether comparison was meant to be going on in this paragraph or not, because you said similarly to blade runner but there didn't seem to be any attempt (whether a minor attempt or a major attempt) to compare and contrast the two texts?
Politics is a major factor of all civilisations as every society needs a ruler to look after and let the community flourish, though having the wrong government can be detrimental to the society. 'Blade Runner' features a society run by the Tyrell Cooperation which have power over the official government suggesting the idea, that Scott felt in the future, the world would split into multiple factions with political figures at the head. Furthermore, sub character Sebastian is living in a complex, being forced to build his own friends as a result of isolation, notioning the symbolised seclusion and the isolation of the world as it grew closer to materialistic values. It is no secret that there was growing concern for Scott as the world was turning towards a more materialistic approach and leaders were gaining large scale financial income. Ironically, the political system has influenced Sebastian to make these androids to make society more sociable but has resulted in him being isolated.
In conclusion, the complex relationship between people and politics is shown through the texts ‘Brave New World’ and ‘Blade Runner’, which both focus on a dystopian world where civilization has been heavily impacted by the government and their rulers. Themes of Dystopia and Isolation compare the two texts Themes don't compare texts. BPunjabi compares texts. Although he didn't do too much comparing in this essay where he could have! as their government’s forces seclusion onto the protagonists perfectly paralleling to both composers contexts, in which they were not content about. Both texts use the influence of satirical techniques which identifying the relationship between people and politics specifically in how it effects their political system and hierarchy.
1. Analysis/technique
2. Robust comparison that isn't shallow or not really attempted
3. Clarity of writing.
You're on the precipice of something really good. You can do this!! :D
Post by: brenden on October 11, 2016, 04:06:40 pm
Quote
Hey pretty sure I have 30 posts haha, was wondering if you had the time to look over my Module A essay again. All of my other essays bumped up in trials except this one :( Stayed the same at 16/20. Any and all help appreciated ;D thank you!!Hey comrade! Let's see what we can do. J/J/Elyse have told me you've been a champ on the forums, so... thanks heaps for your efforts :). Let's bump that 16...
Original essay
Hey pretty sure I have 30 posts haha, was wondering if you had the time to look over my Module A essay again. All of my other essays bumped up in trials except this one :( Stayed the same at 16/20. Any and all help appreciated ;D thank you!!
MODULE A: ESSAY
Question: The challenge of living your own life is an idea that connects Pride and Prejudice and Letter to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen. How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
Traditional opinions in regards to the ways individuals should live have developed and changed across contexts. Thus, composes will continue to consider what it means to “live” in different ways, as to remain relevant to their context, audience and universal responders. This is evident through a comparison of Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary work Letter’s to Alice. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo of marriage, and how it impacts individual freedoms, through reshaping the themes of class, gender and the rebellion. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, while Weldon re-contextualizes Austen’s critique in order to validate their shared desire for social change.
The social cues dictated by a strict class structure has remained a relevant thematic concern across contexts. In comparing the work of Austen and Weldon, it is evident that Weldon has appropriated the issues related to this challenge to suit her contemporary world. Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class greatly affected their ability to live freely, demonstrated through Austen’s use of characterization, whereby the simplicity of the gentry class (the Bennets) is juxtaposed against the extravagant arrogance and narcissism of the aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough, in order to textually keep “the distinction of rank preserved.” Austen’s use of imagery also alludes to this theme, as she vividly describes the luxury of Mr. Darcy’s Pemberley estate in comparison with the modesty of the Bennet’s dwelling.
Through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained, however also subverted, through providing the opportunity for social mobility. This intrinsic link between marriage and class remains a critical theme which Weldon explores further, through re-contextualizing Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, enabling contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the novel. This is achieved through her discussion of the options for women outside marriage and its purpose of providing financial security, utilizing satire and juxtaposition to emphasis this further, stating that marriage “is the stuff of our [contemporary] women’s magazines, but it was the stuff of their life [during the Regency period], their very existence.”
Weldon also uses explicit inter-textual reference to what she perceives to be subversive elements of Austen’s work to deal with Austen’s criticisms more directly. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love rather than socio-economic necessity. Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they desire, but may not be afforded to them in reality. Through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more, and that it can be attained through the search for knowledge. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognize Austen’s aims, to expose the flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established social conventions.
The role of women and how it creates challenges within individual’s lives is a key theme with inter-contextual relevance, as evident through both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice. In order to understand the hyperbolic attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born,” writings within a patriarchal society, her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.”
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to live independently, almost always at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. Marriage enabled many families, to maintain social security put into jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated through her characterization of Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married,” before Mr Bennet dies.
Through the re-contextualization of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the domestic expectations of women were still prevalent, it was now facing major opposition. Society had made significant progress since Austen’s time in regards to the abilities and rights of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the desperation of the women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilizes contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives, reinforcing the struggles of the past that today are no longer an issue. For example, when, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation appears justified.
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of “Literature with a capital L” as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society.
The use of a rebellious character is a key technique employed by subversive texts, enabling the author an outlet in which to comment upon society from within the story in order to promote a similar sense of “rebellion”. Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them. Within Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilizes as her authorial voice, does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through Austen’s use of the narrator point of view, in which the reader gains access to Elizabeth’s thoughts and emotions in regards to various major plot moments – such as Mr. Collins proposal. Thus, as the reader is gaining Elizabeth’s perspective upon the events that unfold, along with the comments from other characters that affirm this perception, Elizabeth’s subversiveness is praised rather than discouraged. Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead to greater happiness. Weldon utilizes the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of rebellious characters, Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values independent from societal influence.
Therefore, through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom, as they both serve to reshape not only our understand of each other, but of our contemporary society.
MODULE A: ESSAY
Question: The challenge of living your own life is an idea that connects Pride and Prejudice and Letter to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen. How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
Traditional opinions in regards to the ways individuals should live have developed and changed across contexts. Thus, composes will continue to consider what it means to “live” in different ways, as to remain relevant to their context, audience and universal responders. This is evident through a comparison of Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary work Letter’s to Alice. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo of marriage, and how it impacts individual freedoms, through reshaping the themes of class, gender and the rebellion. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, while Weldon re-contextualizes Austen’s critique in order to validate their shared desire for social change.
The social cues dictated by a strict class structure has remained a relevant thematic concern across contexts. In comparing the work of Austen and Weldon, it is evident that Weldon has appropriated the issues related to this challenge to suit her contemporary world. Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class greatly affected their ability to live freely, demonstrated through Austen’s use of characterization, whereby the simplicity of the gentry class (the Bennets) is juxtaposed against the extravagant arrogance and narcissism of the aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough, in order to textually keep “the distinction of rank preserved.” Austen’s use of imagery also alludes to this theme, as she vividly describes the luxury of Mr. Darcy’s Pemberley estate in comparison with the modesty of the Bennet’s dwelling.
Through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained, however also subverted, through providing the opportunity for social mobility. This intrinsic link between marriage and class remains a critical theme which Weldon explores further, through re-contextualizing Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, enabling contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the novel. This is achieved through her discussion of the options for women outside marriage and its purpose of providing financial security, utilizing satire and juxtaposition to emphasis this further, stating that marriage “is the stuff of our [contemporary] women’s magazines, but it was the stuff of their life [during the Regency period], their very existence.”
Weldon also uses explicit inter-textual reference to what she perceives to be subversive elements of Austen’s work to deal with Austen’s criticisms more directly. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love rather than socio-economic necessity. Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they desire, but may not be afforded to them in reality. Through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more, and that it can be attained through the search for knowledge. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognize Austen’s aims, to expose the flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established social conventions.
The role of women and how it creates challenges within individual’s lives is a key theme with inter-contextual relevance, as evident through both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice. In order to understand the hyperbolic attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born,” writings within a patriarchal society, her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.”
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to live independently, almost always at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. Marriage enabled many families, to maintain social security put into jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated through her characterization of Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married,” before Mr Bennet dies.
Through the re-contextualization of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the domestic expectations of women were still prevalent, it was now facing major opposition. Society had made significant progress since Austen’s time in regards to the abilities and rights of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the desperation of the women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilizes contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives, reinforcing the struggles of the past that today are no longer an issue. For example, when, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation appears justified.
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of “Literature with a capital L” as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society.
The use of a rebellious character is a key technique employed by subversive texts, enabling the author an outlet in which to comment upon society from within the story in order to promote a similar sense of “rebellion”. Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them. Within Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilizes as her authorial voice, does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through Austen’s use of the narrator point of view, in which the reader gains access to Elizabeth’s thoughts and emotions in regards to various major plot moments – such as Mr. Collins proposal. Thus, as the reader is gaining Elizabeth’s perspective upon the events that unfold, along with the comments from other characters that affirm this perception, Elizabeth’s subversiveness is praised rather than discouraged. Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead to greater happiness. Weldon utilizes the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of rebellious characters, Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values independent from societal influence.
Therefore, through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom, as they both serve to reshape not only our understand of each other, but of our contemporary society.
Essay w feedback
Hey pretty sure I have 30 posts haha, was wondering if you had the time to look over my Module A essay again. All of my other essays bumped up in trials except this one :( Stayed the same at 16/20. Any and all help appreciated ;D thank you!!
MODULE A: ESSAY
Question: The challenge of living your own life is an idea that connects Pride and Prejudice and Letter to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen. How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
Traditional opinions in regards to the ways individuals should live have developed and changed across contexts. Thus, composescomposeRs ;), don't wanna get that wrong! will continue to consider what it means to “live” in different ways, as to remain relevant to their context, audience and universal responders.Are they doing this for a deeper reason than to remain relevant? Some food for thought. This is evident through a comparison of Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary work Letter’s to Alice. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo of marriage, and how it impacts individual freedoms, through reshaping the themes of class, gender and the rebellion. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, while Weldon re-contextualizes Austen’s critique in order to validate their shared desire for social change. And maybe even a closing sentence here gearing RIGHT BACK to the prompt... You're talking about challenging society, which is awesome - super relevant to living your own life, but I'd sum it up and hark back to the first sentence in your topic. I'd get a comprehensive sentence here - Ultimately, thw two texts talk shit about living your own life, doing some really [deep and meaningful shit] by [talking shit relevant to their contexts". - Hits both parts of the topics, and that bit in the middle, deep and meaningful shit, will actually be a flag to your marker that you're about to G-Up on your analysis and preach a level of insight beyond what might be expected from a basic contextual comparison. It's a really good intro you've got here, you're really ticking all the boxes, but I feel like you could add some spice.
The social cues dictated by a strict class structure has remained a relevant thematic concern across contexts.Across what contexts? Be specific. To some degree, you want to "box yourself in" instead of remaining broad and uncommitted. Relevant thematic concern across different historical periods and individualist cultures perhaps? (or perhaps all cultures?) In comparing the work of Austen and Weldon, it is evident that Weldon has appropriated the issues related to this challenge to suit her contemporary world. Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class greatly affected their ability to live freely, demonstrated through Austen’s use of characterization, whereby the simplicity of the gentry class (the Bennets) is juxtaposed against the extravagant arrogance and narcissism of the aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough, in order to textually keep “the distinction of rank preserved.” Austen’s use of imagery also alludes to this theme, as she vividly describes the luxury of Mr. Darcy’s Pemberley estate in comparison with the modesty of the Bennet’s dwelling. Try to say "Austen demonstrates this" instead of "demonstrated through..." -- It's often better to use "[author] [verb], [word-ing]" - a word ending in ING. For example, "Austen demonstrates the way that class minimise's one's personal freedom, juxtaposing the Bennets and Lady Catherine. Where Austen characterises x as y, she portrays b as c. <some chat about how this analysis is relevant to contexts>, and then you could go again - talking about imagery and so on. My way would slow down your progression through the apragraph structure a bit, but force you to have some really meaty analysis. G-Up for it. Although did you cop out on Weldon a bit? You said that one thing about her appropriating, but then you proceed to chat shit on Austen, but where the Weldon at? Perhaps it's coming. Perhaps you could have done more. I'll let you be the judge.
Through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained, however also subverted, through providing the opportunity for social mobility. Imrpovement needed on this one. Are you talking about a particular context, or a particular text? you could say "Beyond symbolising love and unification, marriage has served a dual purpose throughout history: often enforcing a strict social hierarchy, whilst also subverting this hierarchy on occasion through greater opportunity for social mobility". Notice I say throughout history - it makes it clear for the reader. You just say "through marriage, was mantained". Was maintained when? Where? etc. This intrinsic link between marriage and class remains a critical theme which Weldon explores further, through re-contextualizing Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, enabling contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the novel. This is achieved through her discussion of the options for women outside marriage and its purpose of providing financial security, utilizing satire and juxtaposition to emphasis this further, stating that marriage “is the stuff of our [contemporary] women’s magazines, but it was the stuff of their life [during the Regency period], their very existence.” "In discussing options for women outside of marriage compared to the financial security they receive inside of marriage, Weldon explores the critical link between marriage and social class"...... and so on. This is just some basic "[word-ing], [author] [verb] - the inverse structure of what i said before. It's all an elaborate plan for me to make you use words ending in "s" over words ending in "d'. I.e., I avoided "achieved". (Now, when you're talking about things in the past tense like, "In Austen's time, people were judged for being promiscuous". Judged is fine as an 'd' word. But when you're analysing, "achieves" instead of "achieved" will work best and usually force you to commit to some OG analysis.
Weldon also uses explicit inter-textual reference to what she perceives to be subversive elements of Austen’s work to deal with Austen’s criticisms more directly. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love rather than socio-economic necessity.Cool, going well this para. Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they desire, but may not be afforded to them in reality. Through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more, and that it can be attained through the search for knowledge. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes which themes? within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognize Austen’s aims, to expose the flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established social conventions. If the last few bits are austen's aims... a comma wasn't the right way to go. Because instead of saying that exposing flaws natures is Austen aims, you're saying "the reader is better able to recogognize, and the reader is better able to expose"... that's what the comma is doing for you there. Get rid of it "better able to recognise austen's aims to expose". Bang.
The role of women and how it creates challenges within individual’s lives is a key theme with inter-contextual relevance, as evident through both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice. In order to understand the hyperbolic attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born,” writings within a patriarchal society, her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.”
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to live independently, almost always at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. Marriage enabled many families, to maintain social security put into jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated through her characterization of Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married,” before Mr Bennet dies.NOTE: I wasn't sure whether these two bits were separate paragraphs or the same paragraph, but I've made them the same one coz I think it worksThrough the re-contextualization of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the domestic expectations of women were still prevalent, it was now facing major opposition. Society had made significant progress since Austen’s time in regards to the abilities and rights of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the desperation of the women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilizes contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives, reinforcing the struggles of the past that today are no longer an issue. For example, when, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation appears justified. Solid paragraph for dem intertextual connectionz
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of “Literature with a capital L” as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society. This little paragraph is just 'floating' in the air a little bit, even though these two sentences are doing a lot of work for you - good job!
The use of a rebellious character is a key technique employed by subversive texts, enabling the author an outlet in which to comment upon society from within the story in order to promote a similar sense of “rebellion”. Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them. Within Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilizes as her authorial voice, does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through Austen’s use of the narrator point of view, in which the reader gains access to Elizabeth’s thoughts and emotions in regards to various major plot moments – such as Mr. Collins proposal. Thus, as the reader is gaining Elizabeth’s perspective upon the events that unfold, along with the comments from other characters that affirm this perception, Elizabeth’s subversiveness is praised rather than discouraged. Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead to greater happiness. "similarly" Weldon utilizes the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of rebellious characters, Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values independent from societal influence.Good paragraph!
Therefore, through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom, as they both serve to reshape not only our understand of each other, but of our contemporary society.
Okay, really interesting stuff!
I feel like 16/20 is around about the mark, because you're doing a lot of good work and definitely doing the things you should be doing, but there's a little bit of work to do before it's a truly "wow" essay. At the moment it's a "Huh, that's some pretty good stuff!" essay.
One thing that strikes me is the way your paragraphs flow into one another, which is largely created by your structure. Because you didn't have the typical "intro, 3-4 paragraphs, conclusion", it was perhaps a bit harder to go about reading. And it was like like you opted for 5-9 paragraphs that were punchier in nature rolling into one another. Instead some were sort of short, some were tiny, some were large, and it was a little bit tough to "FEEL" the essays true progression through its own ideas and analysis.
I'd recommend you read my post about making good topic sentences right here - it's based around the verb stuff I wass telling you about, but you could also go deeper in your topic sentences with some heavy levels of clarity that you can follow up on through the paragraph. --- Perhaps some more categorical structure will bump you up a little it.
Some more structure would also open up some room for more "spice" - some room for you to "flex" your muscles a little bit and show off not by using stupidly big words, but by saying some poignant shit about Weldons impact on PAP, or about class throughout the ages etc.
Idk you're at that hard stage where you're doing a really good job so it's hard to really knuckle down on precisely what needs to be done to bump it up (because I guess the less marks that are availalbe to be bumped up - in your case, 4 - the harder it is to get those marks.
A better structure's probably worth a mark for you - within your paras and within your essay... As well as some stronger, hero sentences that carry you a long way, prolly another mark there... and maybe the other two are coming from some more "flex" in your analysis - more of it, and of a better depth/quality.
Please let me know whaty ou reckon and follow up with me if you reckon I've copped out on helping you in anyway. Mostly just, be really confident. You're writing great work and you'll smash it. Thanks again for eveerything you do for ATAR Notes. I hope you feel like this essay "gives back" to you in some way :)
MODULE A: ESSAY
Question: The challenge of living your own life is an idea that connects Pride and Prejudice and Letter to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen. How is this idea shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?
Traditional opinions in regards to the ways individuals should live have developed and changed across contexts. Thus, composescomposeRs ;), don't wanna get that wrong! will continue to consider what it means to “live” in different ways, as to remain relevant to their context, audience and universal responders.Are they doing this for a deeper reason than to remain relevant? Some food for thought. This is evident through a comparison of Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice, and Fay Weldon’s epistolary work Letter’s to Alice. Despite their different contexts, both challenge the status quo of marriage, and how it impacts individual freedoms, through reshaping the themes of class, gender and the rebellion. Austen challenges her society through the actions and attitudes of her characters, while Weldon re-contextualizes Austen’s critique in order to validate their shared desire for social change. And maybe even a closing sentence here gearing RIGHT BACK to the prompt... You're talking about challenging society, which is awesome - super relevant to living your own life, but I'd sum it up and hark back to the first sentence in your topic. I'd get a comprehensive sentence here - Ultimately, thw two texts talk shit about living your own life, doing some really [deep and meaningful shit] by [talking shit relevant to their contexts". - Hits both parts of the topics, and that bit in the middle, deep and meaningful shit, will actually be a flag to your marker that you're about to G-Up on your analysis and preach a level of insight beyond what might be expected from a basic contextual comparison. It's a really good intro you've got here, you're really ticking all the boxes, but I feel like you could add some spice.
The social cues dictated by a strict class structure has remained a relevant thematic concern across contexts.Across what contexts? Be specific. To some degree, you want to "box yourself in" instead of remaining broad and uncommitted. Relevant thematic concern across different historical periods and individualist cultures perhaps? (or perhaps all cultures?) In comparing the work of Austen and Weldon, it is evident that Weldon has appropriated the issues related to this challenge to suit her contemporary world. Austen was writing during the Regency period, a time of strict social codes and structures, whereby an individual’s class greatly affected their ability to live freely, demonstrated through Austen’s use of characterization, whereby the simplicity of the gentry class (the Bennets) is juxtaposed against the extravagant arrogance and narcissism of the aristocratic Lady Catherine De Bough, in order to textually keep “the distinction of rank preserved.” Austen’s use of imagery also alludes to this theme, as she vividly describes the luxury of Mr. Darcy’s Pemberley estate in comparison with the modesty of the Bennet’s dwelling. Try to say "Austen demonstrates this" instead of "demonstrated through..." -- It's often better to use "[author] [verb], [word-ing]" - a word ending in ING. For example, "Austen demonstrates the way that class minimise's one's personal freedom, juxtaposing the Bennets and Lady Catherine. Where Austen characterises x as y, she portrays b as c. <some chat about how this analysis is relevant to contexts>, and then you could go again - talking about imagery and so on. My way would slow down your progression through the apragraph structure a bit, but force you to have some really meaty analysis. G-Up for it. Although did you cop out on Weldon a bit? You said that one thing about her appropriating, but then you proceed to chat shit on Austen, but where the Weldon at? Perhaps it's coming. Perhaps you could have done more. I'll let you be the judge.
Through marriage the strict social hierarchy was maintained, however also subverted, through providing the opportunity for social mobility. Imrpovement needed on this one. Are you talking about a particular context, or a particular text? you could say "Beyond symbolising love and unification, marriage has served a dual purpose throughout history: often enforcing a strict social hierarchy, whilst also subverting this hierarchy on occasion through greater opportunity for social mobility". Notice I say throughout history - it makes it clear for the reader. You just say "through marriage, was mantained". Was maintained when? Where? etc. This intrinsic link between marriage and class remains a critical theme which Weldon explores further, through re-contextualizing Austen’s perception of her society’s social stratification, enabling contemporary readers a more enlightened understanding of the novel. This is achieved through her discussion of the options for women outside marriage and its purpose of providing financial security, utilizing satire and juxtaposition to emphasis this further, stating that marriage “is the stuff of our [contemporary] women’s magazines, but it was the stuff of their life [during the Regency period], their very existence.” "In discussing options for women outside of marriage compared to the financial security they receive inside of marriage, Weldon explores the critical link between marriage and social class"...... and so on. This is just some basic "[word-ing], [author] [verb] - the inverse structure of what i said before. It's all an elaborate plan for me to make you use words ending in "s" over words ending in "d'. I.e., I avoided "achieved". (Now, when you're talking about things in the past tense like, "In Austen's time, people were judged for being promiscuous". Judged is fine as an 'd' word. But when you're analysing, "achieves" instead of "achieved" will work best and usually force you to commit to some OG analysis.
Weldon also uses explicit inter-textual reference to what she perceives to be subversive elements of Austen’s work to deal with Austen’s criticisms more directly. According to Weldon, Mr. Darcy “Marry[ing] where he loved, not where he ought,” demonstrates Austen seditiousness, suggesting the superiority of a marriage based in love rather than socio-economic necessity.Cool, going well this para. Fiction, according to Weldon, enables readers with insight into the freedoms and rights they desire, but may not be afforded to them in reality. Through Literature Austen suggests to the reader they deserve more, and that it can be attained through the search for knowledge. Through Weldon’s reshaping of key themes which themes? within Pride and Prejudice, the reader is able to better recognize Austen’s aims, to expose the flawed nature of class divisions, and the triumph of personal traits such as intelligence over established social conventions. If the last few bits are austen's aims... a comma wasn't the right way to go. Because instead of saying that exposing flaws natures is Austen aims, you're saying "the reader is better able to recogognize, and the reader is better able to expose"... that's what the comma is doing for you there. Get rid of it "better able to recognise austen's aims to expose". Bang.
The role of women and how it creates challenges within individual’s lives is a key theme with inter-contextual relevance, as evident through both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice. In order to understand the hyperbolic attitude of Mrs. Bennet, one “must understand... the world in which Jane Austen was born,” writings within a patriarchal society, her books “studded with [examples of] male whims taking priority … over female happiness.”
During Austen’s time it was almost impossible for women to live independently, almost always at the mercy of male relatives for financial and social stability. Marriage enabled many families, to maintain social security put into jeopardy due to misogynistic inheritance laws. Austen represents this through the desperation of the Bennets’ situation, demonstrated through her characterization of Mrs. Bennet making it “the business of her life to get her daughters married,” before Mr Bennet dies.NOTE: I wasn't sure whether these two bits were separate paragraphs or the same paragraph, but I've made them the same one coz I think it worksThrough the re-contextualization of Austen though Letters to Alice, Weldon enables her contemporary audience to better understand the plight of women at the time. Weldon was writing within a society experiencing the impact of second-wave feminism. Women could now vote and take up work previously reserved for men, and though the domestic expectations of women were still prevalent, it was now facing major opposition. Society had made significant progress since Austen’s time in regards to the abilities and rights of women to live independently. For her post-feminism audience to better understand the desperation of the women in Pride and Prejudice, Weldon utilizes contextual detail and statistics to clarify the characters’ motives, reinforcing the struggles of the past that today are no longer an issue. For example, when, according to Weldon, only 30% of women were married, and one of the most popular alternatives was prostitution, Mrs. Bennet’s desperation appears justified. Solid paragraph for dem intertextual connectionz
Through “linking the past of that society with its future,” and bridging the generational gap between two contexts, Weldon instils empathy within her contemporary audience, and substantiates Austen’s writings as a subversive text, maintaining the role of “Literature with a capital L” as key in challenging the values and attitudes of society. This little paragraph is just 'floating' in the air a little bit, even though these two sentences are doing a lot of work for you - good job!
The use of a rebellious character is a key technique employed by subversive texts, enabling the author an outlet in which to comment upon society from within the story in order to promote a similar sense of “rebellion”. Both Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice are connected through their use of rebellious characters, challenging the beliefs of those around them. Within Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet, whom Austen utilizes as her authorial voice, does not accept the established conventions of her period, desiring for herself the freedom to decide her own life-path. This is evident through Austen’s use of the narrator point of view, in which the reader gains access to Elizabeth’s thoughts and emotions in regards to various major plot moments – such as Mr. Collins proposal. Thus, as the reader is gaining Elizabeth’s perspective upon the events that unfold, along with the comments from other characters that affirm this perception, Elizabeth’s subversiveness is praised rather than discouraged. Through Elizabeth’s action, attitudes and triumphs, Austen implores her readership to rebel also, as it will lead to greater happiness. "similarly" Weldon utilizes the rebellious character Alice to teach her readership the importance of individual freedom. Despite Aunt Fay’s inflexible advice on how to achieve success as a writer, Alice rebels against her Aunt’s guidance, and achieves overwhelming success on her own. To be a subversive writer, one must also be a subversive reader, and through Alice’s success, Weldon informs her readers that though they have just read her beliefs, it is critical that they form their own. Therefore, it is evident that through the use of rebellious characters, Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice implore their readership to form their own values independent from societal influence.Good paragraph!
Therefore, through their critiques of the role of class and women in regards to marriage and use of rebellious character, it is clear that both Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Weldon’s Letters to Alice, despite their socio-historical differences, are connected through their exploration of the challenges of living your own life within a society that continually suppresses your freedom, as they both serve to reshape not only our understand of each other, but of our contemporary society.
Okay, really interesting stuff!
I feel like 16/20 is around about the mark, because you're doing a lot of good work and definitely doing the things you should be doing, but there's a little bit of work to do before it's a truly "wow" essay. At the moment it's a "Huh, that's some pretty good stuff!" essay.
One thing that strikes me is the way your paragraphs flow into one another, which is largely created by your structure. Because you didn't have the typical "intro, 3-4 paragraphs, conclusion", it was perhaps a bit harder to go about reading. And it was like like you opted for 5-9 paragraphs that were punchier in nature rolling into one another. Instead some were sort of short, some were tiny, some were large, and it was a little bit tough to "FEEL" the essays true progression through its own ideas and analysis.
I'd recommend you read my post about making good topic sentences right here - it's based around the verb stuff I wass telling you about, but you could also go deeper in your topic sentences with some heavy levels of clarity that you can follow up on through the paragraph. --- Perhaps some more categorical structure will bump you up a little it.
Some more structure would also open up some room for more "spice" - some room for you to "flex" your muscles a little bit and show off not by using stupidly big words, but by saying some poignant shit about Weldons impact on PAP, or about class throughout the ages etc.
Idk you're at that hard stage where you're doing a really good job so it's hard to really knuckle down on precisely what needs to be done to bump it up (because I guess the less marks that are availalbe to be bumped up - in your case, 4 - the harder it is to get those marks.
A better structure's probably worth a mark for you - within your paras and within your essay... As well as some stronger, hero sentences that carry you a long way, prolly another mark there... and maybe the other two are coming from some more "flex" in your analysis - more of it, and of a better depth/quality.
Please let me know whaty ou reckon and follow up with me if you reckon I've copped out on helping you in anyway. Mostly just, be really confident. You're writing great work and you'll smash it. Thanks again for eveerything you do for ATAR Notes. I hope you feel like this essay "gives back" to you in some way :)
Post by: roshanajabbour on October 11, 2016, 06:17:58 pm
I often find myself retelling the story and need some tips on how to improve this.
Also, for anyone who has studied Citizen Kane, please offer any kind of advice and/or quotes!
Here it is:
Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane is a film which is predominantly about a man named Charles Foster Kane who becomes manifested in his present and future. His central predicament, an inability to love or be loved is a consequence of his tragic separation from his parents as a child. This event leads to the development of his arrogant and egotistic character whose dangerous desire for power and success leads to his life of isolation and alienation. The newsreel following the introductory scene entitled ‘News on the March’ announces the death of Charles Foster Kane, describing him as a famous and once-influential newspaper publisher. This then continues into a chronological account of Kane’s colourful life and career also introducing significant people and events in his life. The reference to Charles Kane as Kubla Khan is also incorporated in this scene as the palace called Xanadu is described in all its grandeur. The use of film and figurative techniques and symbolism shown extensively within the newsreel present the themes of power as well as isolation and alienation.
Power proves to be one of the most central and significant themes present within the film Citizen Kane. The newsreel features the “public” version of a private life including main themes such as fame, politics and social life rather than the true character’s qualities. The pro-Kane agenda of ‘News on the March’ is evident in the loud, upbeat tone of voice from the narrator of this newsreel thus initiating a spark of interest and fascination for “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” in the Depression-era population. In addition, the newsreel incorporates mythology known as the American Dream, which, throughout the film is proved to be a hollow concept. Kane uncovers this unfortunate and ugly truth as his desire for wealth, success and power smother him and do not provide him with the happiness and love he longs for, the American Dream as he knew it, was nothing but an illusion. Following the introductory scene in film Citizen Kane, the newsreel reveals significant people and events in Kane’s life such as the introduction to Thatcher, who, in the scene, is testifying before the Senate committee and Kane in his wheelchair at Xanadu. The scene also features visuals of important scenes that occur in the length of the movie including Charles’ two marriages to Emily Norton and then to “singer” Susan Alexander. However, this narrative to Kane’s life has many shortcomings including the simple reference to Susan Alexander as merely a “singer” and the absence of Mr Bernstein and supposed best friend Jed Leland in the trailer. Also, Kane’s marriage to Emily Norton and untimely divorce is not explained. The scene also lacks information about Kane’s childhood – featuring only his mother’s boarding house-, his work experience, his relationship to Thatcher, his old age and finally his life in Xanadu. Orson Welles uses a variety of film techniques to demonstrate the theme of power/ success. These include low angle shots, birds eye views and panoramic shots specifically of Xanadu to demonstrate this theme. For example, when describing the grandeur of Xanadu palace low angle shots and panoramic shots were all used extensively to emphasise the size, power and wealth associated with such a mighty structure. A memorable reference provided in this newsreel stated that Charles Foster Kane was “America’s Kubla Khan”. “Kubla Khan” is a poem that was composed by Samuel Taylor Coleridge after reading a work describing Xanadu. The persona present, a Mongol emperor named Kubla Khan is portrayed as a powerful being who seems almost godlike yet personal and mysterious, therefore representing the theme of power. Therefore, the film techniques and images present in the newsreel prove that power is indeed one of the central and significant themes in Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane.
Another central theme discovered in Citizen Kane is the concept of isolation and alienation which is ultimately present in Kane’s character. ‘News on the March’, the title for the newsreel is in fact a parody of “The March for Time” which were theatrical newsreels from the 1930s, this results in a legitimate and authentic looking narrative which engages the audience. The main issue for this production however is the lack of information provided about Kane’s true identity, particularly the reasons why he couldn’t hold a marriage. This is confirmed by the caption “twice married, twice divorced” thus confirming the fact that Charles Foster Kane has an inability to love and be loved. The shortcoming of the newsreel as previously mentioned stating that Jed Leland was not present in the production provides evidence for Kane’s detachment from friends and colleagues. The film depicts Kane as an enigma, he’s a complicated man who leaves viewers at the conclusion of the film, with an infinite supply of questions about his character. One particular scene that would trigger many questions is when, in the newsreel footage, Kane is accused of being a communist from Thatcher’s “rich man” perspective and a fascist from the working man’s perspective. The high contrast of black and white film reminds viewers of newsprint, which is highly appropriate in a film defining the life of a newspaper tycoon. It also mirrors the internal power struggle within Kane, with Kane wearing harsh white shirts and black suits, as an older man, while those around him wear grey clothes such as Leland which points out his clear isolation. There is no doubt that Welles used black and white instead of colour –which was available at the time- in his 1941 film for specific reasons. Kane was a character who led a mysterious and lonely life, thus the development of the film noir style with low-key lighting. Many of the scenes are consistent in the pattern of a small central light surrounded by darkness, however the newsreel does not incorporate this technique often. These are fitting as depth and darkness embody Kane’s life, a life of no light but all darkness. An example of his isolation within the newsreel is when an elderly Kane is shown in his wheelchair in an “unfinished palace” alone and isolated. Lack of colour also helps to captivate the audience in a sense of mystery and suspense. The symbols of antiquity in preservation that can be looked at but not interacted with is associated with the concept of constructing a utopia as part of rejecting public social interaction, Kane’s utopia is basically an ironic representation of the aspects he is lacking including intellectual and psychological peace. To conclude, the scenes and techniques present in the newsreel represent the central theme of isolation and alienation.
Citizen Kane directed by Orson Welles in 1941, as a result, incorporates the central themes of power as well as isolation and alienation through the newsreel scene “News on the March”. The film leaves viewers with more questions than answers of Kane’s character. However, film techniques and symbolism found in the excerpt leave the audience intrigued and wanting to find out more about this mysterious persona who had such a corrupt and difficult life.
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Note: This is a past task and was only meant to be roughly 800 words (obviously i went over oops)
It was also only restricted to one scene
Post by: brenden on October 11, 2016, 06:58:01 pm
Module C essay
Hello, Id like my essay checked as its my weakest Module, and can I have detailed feedback as teachers dont really help, also a mark out of 15 i guess? Thank You so much... :)
Marked essay
‘Political motivations may be ambiguous, but control is the ultimate goal.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
There are fallacies in all representations of truth and people embody manipulated forms of the truth, clandestinely expressing ‘control’.First sentence is slightly messy and could be cleaned up - what exactly are you trying to say here, in plain language? This is successfully shown through the 1997 political satire Wag the Dog (WTD), directed by Barry Levinson. This film focuses on the manipulative role of the Presidential campaigns in fabricating reality, displaying candidates as patriotic and honest. Armin Greder’s picture book ‘The Island’ is a powerful allegory that depicts notions of the politics of social hierarchies and ultimately widespread xenophobia. This correlates strongly with the political context of the Australian liberal policies in the era of the Howard Government. Both texts highlight the malleability of truth, political leaders that abuse power, as well as ‘control’ of public opinions with the power of media which provision the vague political motivations. Both composers attempt to influence and manipulate audiences into adopting their perspectives of events, personalities and situations, in order to convince audiences of the veracity of their arguments.Nice intro, keen to read your essay :)
The truth is pliable and is easily amended to equip a government agenda Check out this link for my advice on topic sentences. Ultimately, this is attained through the powerful representations between ‘truth’ and ‘reality’ explored in both texts. In WTD, Levinson deliberately emphasises various facts and events in order to influence the reader. The humour in the opening credit with its metaphor “tail wagging the dog” highlights the main theme of the film which is what?. It alerts the audience to the manipulative role of the governmenthow? and unfolds to criticise how the rapacity of mass media influences the public to eliminate all obstructions with the president’s electoral status. This is seen through the merchandising of the Albanian war in side-track to the alleged affair between the president and the “firefly girl”. Throughout the creation of the war footage, juxtaposition is used in duality of the two screens of an Albanian girl holding a cat and running with sounds of war blazing in the background and the computer screens manipulating the footage.Nice work The responder is able to witness the forged footage of the cat which was edited into the scene using power of modern technology. This is a great testament to the ability of the media representation through which public takes as ‘real’.why? Similarly in the political picture book ‘The Island’, strong links emerge from pages 15-18 between the Islanders’ perception of the visitor and Howard government’s discourse of fear and hysteria underlining the creation of the ‘Pacific Solution’. Really smooth link, well done. This paragraph is displaying a good structure so farThe self-perpetuating fear is established within the text when the policeman says: “I am sure he would murder us all if he could”; this is paralleled to the proclamations in the newspaper, ‘Foreigner Spreads Fear in Town’. Such parallels draw focus upon the capacity of power-holders to govern and instil a political climate of xenophobia supporting the malleability of truth. Thus, through fabricating ‘reality’, governments are able to manufacture a pretentious ‘truth’ to ultimately achieve ‘control’. Good work, really "tight" paragraph. Sticks to the prompt, has a particular point, uses both texts well. Could potentially get even deeper and "flex" your analytical muscles but you're doing a lot of work atm.
Power is attained from popularity and is a significant highlight of political personalities in both texts. This political motive is promoted through manipulating the public into voting for politicians who conceive to reflect their ideology conceive to reflect? what are you trying to say there? very odd turn of phrase. This is encompassed in Levinson’s advertising campaign ‘Don’t change horses in midstream’ which metaphorically references the manipulation in the presidential election through which the creators utilise their understanding of the voter’s reality to secure the election. As most people are patriotic they will unite against a common enemy, expecting their government to protect them. Thus the diegetic sound of music swelling to a crescendo builds patriotic motivation within the audience in response to election time. The extremely cynical and intelligent advisor, Conrad Brean, being the embodiment of the ‘inside’ specialises in fixing political crises and thus holds the key to power to keep the president’s public personality locked. Likewise, in Greder’s ‘The Island’, the framing of the individuals on pages three and four symbolise their unity against the perceived “other” and confront a salient demanding shot of the figure holding a weapon. This provokes the responder to adopt the perspective of the disempowered visitor establishing a hostile environment. The figures and their representation strongly correlate Howard’s fear based rhetoric espousing “we will decide who and under what circumstances comes to this country” this quote from Jonny is not 100% correct. This reflects their ‘mob’ mentality utilising power and authority and drastically expressing ‘control’ as the ultimate goal. I feel like this paragraph gets slightly lost. At the start we're talking about personality for control, and now we're talking about power and authority for control, by the last sentence. In the middle, you could be more stern with the analytical link between personality and control, but this paragraph is still doing work for you.
Manipulation and secrecy conjure a false perspective of propagandas which are engulfed to the public. WTD explores privacy that circulates the American political system represented through film techniques. The close up shots of security footage highlights the importance of the White House and its individuals. The montage that follows of the close up shot of the feet as they walk several flights of stairs to basement suggests the situations attempt to keep it a secret. The lighting contrasting with the darkness and shadows subsiding upon the table with its members manifests the secrecy of what the characters are doing. Therefore the American public is completely in darkness to the manipulation of the forged war. In comparison, Greder inculcates a political climate of fear and xenophobia of outsiders reflected by the Howard government’s use of the media to intensify public anxiety and promote its own ability to defend the country. Greder’s use of short and sharp phrases conveys the metaphorical allegory and draws attention to the darkness and sombre nature of illustrations, displaying mystery and the poignant story becoming the salient aspect of the text. The secrecy builds when “they built a great wall all around the island with watchtowers”, to prevent all external species from coming into the Island. This continues to keep the public manipulated mentality of scary foreigners locked due to the false advertising of individuals of the society. Thus, manipulative motives express ‘control’ as the decisive objective completed through relatively clandestine and private approaches.I'm glad you got some dialogue in... You seem to be erring towards visual techniques, so you could stand to mix in some dialogue for some added sophistication
Levinson’s satiric film ‘Wag the Dog’ and Greder’s sombre and striking picture book ‘The Island’, effectively explores the malleability of truth, political leaders that abuse power, and the ‘control’ of public opinion through adopting their perspectives and events in order to convince audiences of the veracity of their arguments. Manipulative techniques utilised enhances the audience to adopt that critical perspective of events, personalities and situations. Thus, the intention of truth can be reformed to suit a favourable agenda in order to gain definite control.
Okay cool, good work! I feel like you're engaging with the prompt to a good degree which is half the battle sometimes.
Your paragraphs flow nicely into each other - so structurally your essay is doing a good job (no oddities about your paragraphs or anything like that, each of them are just solid, doing the job they're supposed to be doing).
You're doing a good job with your related text, getting some appropriate usage in. Although using a picture book has an interesting impact on your essay: your textual reference from the picture book is inevitably visual in nature, and you're analysing a film as well, and obviously you're analysing visual techniques from the film (as you should be). I feel like this is an interesting structure, because what it means is that there's less quotes than normal, which means nearly the entire essay is your "voice", without that sort of sporadic change in "tone" and "flow" that happens when you quote things. Look back at my last sentence - you read those words a little bit differently simply because they are "like this", and it creates a certain rhythm. Your essay doesn't have that rhythm in the same way other essays do. Now.... visual techniques are 100% a-ok, and I'm not saying "oh wow you didn't use dialogue or quotes" a if it were a big requirement. I'm just pointing out that really sort of subtle change in the way the reader will read your essay. Personally, I think it's a bit nicer to have intermittent quotes and perhaps this is something for you to consider - integrated a few more quotes than what you already have done (but really..... no big requiremnt AT ALL and it's just a personal insight I've had).
Your writing's good, if not sometimes slightly lacking in stylistic flair (i.e., you're not going nuts with commas, semi-colons and shit like that: your sentences are pretty methodical. it's good for clarity. Way better than attempting to be stylish, fucking it up, and becoming unclear. So it's great that your clear. But if you have it in you - which perhaps you do - it might be worth trying to be a little be sexual in your writing in 3-4 sentences throughout your essay.
All in all - good work! Keep reading your own essay critically and thinking of ways you could be better. have integrity in this process and don't fool yourslef. You'll know what you could do better with your own capacity. Read, criticise, and implement inside your own mind. you'll do great :)
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
There are fallacies in all representations of truth and people embody manipulated forms of the truth, clandestinely expressing ‘control’.First sentence is slightly messy and could be cleaned up - what exactly are you trying to say here, in plain language? This is successfully shown through the 1997 political satire Wag the Dog (WTD), directed by Barry Levinson. This film focuses on the manipulative role of the Presidential campaigns in fabricating reality, displaying candidates as patriotic and honest. Armin Greder’s picture book ‘The Island’ is a powerful allegory that depicts notions of the politics of social hierarchies and ultimately widespread xenophobia. This correlates strongly with the political context of the Australian liberal policies in the era of the Howard Government. Both texts highlight the malleability of truth, political leaders that abuse power, as well as ‘control’ of public opinions with the power of media which provision the vague political motivations. Both composers attempt to influence and manipulate audiences into adopting their perspectives of events, personalities and situations, in order to convince audiences of the veracity of their arguments.Nice intro, keen to read your essay :)
The truth is pliable and is easily amended to equip a government agenda Check out this link for my advice on topic sentences. Ultimately, this is attained through the powerful representations between ‘truth’ and ‘reality’ explored in both texts. In WTD, Levinson deliberately emphasises various facts and events in order to influence the reader. The humour in the opening credit with its metaphor “tail wagging the dog” highlights the main theme of the film which is what?. It alerts the audience to the manipulative role of the governmenthow? and unfolds to criticise how the rapacity of mass media influences the public to eliminate all obstructions with the president’s electoral status. This is seen through the merchandising of the Albanian war in side-track to the alleged affair between the president and the “firefly girl”. Throughout the creation of the war footage, juxtaposition is used in duality of the two screens of an Albanian girl holding a cat and running with sounds of war blazing in the background and the computer screens manipulating the footage.Nice work The responder is able to witness the forged footage of the cat which was edited into the scene using power of modern technology. This is a great testament to the ability of the media representation through which public takes as ‘real’.why? Similarly in the political picture book ‘The Island’, strong links emerge from pages 15-18 between the Islanders’ perception of the visitor and Howard government’s discourse of fear and hysteria underlining the creation of the ‘Pacific Solution’. Really smooth link, well done. This paragraph is displaying a good structure so farThe self-perpetuating fear is established within the text when the policeman says: “I am sure he would murder us all if he could”; this is paralleled to the proclamations in the newspaper, ‘Foreigner Spreads Fear in Town’. Such parallels draw focus upon the capacity of power-holders to govern and instil a political climate of xenophobia supporting the malleability of truth. Thus, through fabricating ‘reality’, governments are able to manufacture a pretentious ‘truth’ to ultimately achieve ‘control’. Good work, really "tight" paragraph. Sticks to the prompt, has a particular point, uses both texts well. Could potentially get even deeper and "flex" your analytical muscles but you're doing a lot of work atm.
Power is attained from popularity and is a significant highlight of political personalities in both texts. This political motive is promoted through manipulating the public into voting for politicians who conceive to reflect their ideology conceive to reflect? what are you trying to say there? very odd turn of phrase. This is encompassed in Levinson’s advertising campaign ‘Don’t change horses in midstream’ which metaphorically references the manipulation in the presidential election through which the creators utilise their understanding of the voter’s reality to secure the election. As most people are patriotic they will unite against a common enemy, expecting their government to protect them. Thus the diegetic sound of music swelling to a crescendo builds patriotic motivation within the audience in response to election time. The extremely cynical and intelligent advisor, Conrad Brean, being the embodiment of the ‘inside’ specialises in fixing political crises and thus holds the key to power to keep the president’s public personality locked. Likewise, in Greder’s ‘The Island’, the framing of the individuals on pages three and four symbolise their unity against the perceived “other” and confront a salient demanding shot of the figure holding a weapon. This provokes the responder to adopt the perspective of the disempowered visitor establishing a hostile environment. The figures and their representation strongly correlate Howard’s fear based rhetoric espousing “we will decide who and under what circumstances comes to this country” this quote from Jonny is not 100% correct. This reflects their ‘mob’ mentality utilising power and authority and drastically expressing ‘control’ as the ultimate goal. I feel like this paragraph gets slightly lost. At the start we're talking about personality for control, and now we're talking about power and authority for control, by the last sentence. In the middle, you could be more stern with the analytical link between personality and control, but this paragraph is still doing work for you.
Manipulation and secrecy conjure a false perspective of propagandas which are engulfed to the public. WTD explores privacy that circulates the American political system represented through film techniques. The close up shots of security footage highlights the importance of the White House and its individuals. The montage that follows of the close up shot of the feet as they walk several flights of stairs to basement suggests the situations attempt to keep it a secret. The lighting contrasting with the darkness and shadows subsiding upon the table with its members manifests the secrecy of what the characters are doing. Therefore the American public is completely in darkness to the manipulation of the forged war. In comparison, Greder inculcates a political climate of fear and xenophobia of outsiders reflected by the Howard government’s use of the media to intensify public anxiety and promote its own ability to defend the country. Greder’s use of short and sharp phrases conveys the metaphorical allegory and draws attention to the darkness and sombre nature of illustrations, displaying mystery and the poignant story becoming the salient aspect of the text. The secrecy builds when “they built a great wall all around the island with watchtowers”, to prevent all external species from coming into the Island. This continues to keep the public manipulated mentality of scary foreigners locked due to the false advertising of individuals of the society. Thus, manipulative motives express ‘control’ as the decisive objective completed through relatively clandestine and private approaches.I'm glad you got some dialogue in... You seem to be erring towards visual techniques, so you could stand to mix in some dialogue for some added sophistication
Levinson’s satiric film ‘Wag the Dog’ and Greder’s sombre and striking picture book ‘The Island’, effectively explores the malleability of truth, political leaders that abuse power, and the ‘control’ of public opinion through adopting their perspectives and events in order to convince audiences of the veracity of their arguments. Manipulative techniques utilised enhances the audience to adopt that critical perspective of events, personalities and situations. Thus, the intention of truth can be reformed to suit a favourable agenda in order to gain definite control.
Okay cool, good work! I feel like you're engaging with the prompt to a good degree which is half the battle sometimes.
Your paragraphs flow nicely into each other - so structurally your essay is doing a good job (no oddities about your paragraphs or anything like that, each of them are just solid, doing the job they're supposed to be doing).
You're doing a good job with your related text, getting some appropriate usage in. Although using a picture book has an interesting impact on your essay: your textual reference from the picture book is inevitably visual in nature, and you're analysing a film as well, and obviously you're analysing visual techniques from the film (as you should be). I feel like this is an interesting structure, because what it means is that there's less quotes than normal, which means nearly the entire essay is your "voice", without that sort of sporadic change in "tone" and "flow" that happens when you quote things. Look back at my last sentence - you read those words a little bit differently simply because they are "like this", and it creates a certain rhythm. Your essay doesn't have that rhythm in the same way other essays do. Now.... visual techniques are 100% a-ok, and I'm not saying "oh wow you didn't use dialogue or quotes" a if it were a big requirement. I'm just pointing out that really sort of subtle change in the way the reader will read your essay. Personally, I think it's a bit nicer to have intermittent quotes and perhaps this is something for you to consider - integrated a few more quotes than what you already have done (but really..... no big requiremnt AT ALL and it's just a personal insight I've had).
Your writing's good, if not sometimes slightly lacking in stylistic flair (i.e., you're not going nuts with commas, semi-colons and shit like that: your sentences are pretty methodical. it's good for clarity. Way better than attempting to be stylish, fucking it up, and becoming unclear. So it's great that your clear. But if you have it in you - which perhaps you do - it might be worth trying to be a little be sexual in your writing in 3-4 sentences throughout your essay.
All in all - good work! Keep reading your own essay critically and thinking of ways you could be better. have integrity in this process and don't fool yourslef. You'll know what you could do better with your own capacity. Read, criticise, and implement inside your own mind. you'll do great :)
unmarked essay
‘Political motivations may be ambiguous, but control is the ultimate goal.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
There are fallacies in all representations of truth and people embody manipulated forms of the truth, clandestinely expressing ‘control’. This is successfully shown through the 1997 political satire Wag the Dog (WTD), directed by Barry Levinson. This film focuses on the manipulative role of the Presidential campaigns in fabricating reality, displaying candidates as patriotic and honest. Armin Greder’s picture book ‘The Island’ is a powerful allegory that depicts notions of the politics of social hierarchies and ultimately widespread xenophobia. This correlates strongly with the political context of the Australian liberal policies in the era of the Howard Government. Both texts highlight the malleability of truth, political leaders that abuse power, as well as ‘control’ of public opinions with the power of media which provision the vague political motivations. Both composers attempt to influence and manipulate audiences into adopting their perspectives of events, personalities and situations, in order to convince audiences of the veracity of their arguments.
The truth is pliable and is easily amended to equip a government agenda. Ultimately, this is attained through the powerful representations between ‘truth’ and ‘reality’ explored in both texts. In WTD, Levinson deliberately emphasises various facts and events in order to influence the reader. The humour in the opening credit with its metaphor “tail wagging the dog” highlights the main theme of the film. It alerts the audience to the manipulative role of the government and unfolds to criticise how the rapacity of mass media influences the public to eliminate all obstructions with the president’s electoral status. This is seen through the merchandising of the Albanian war in side-track to the alleged affair between the president and the “firefly girl”. Throughout the creation of the war footage, juxtaposition is used in duality of the two screens of an Albanian girl holding a cat and running with sounds of war blazing in the background and the computer screens manipulating the footage. The responder is able to witness the forged footage of the cat which was edited into the scene using power of modern technology. This is a great testament to the ability of the media representation through which public takes as ‘real’. Similarly in the political picture book ‘The Island’, strong links emerge from pages 15-18 between the Islanders’ perception of the visitor and Howard government’s discourse of fear and hysteria underlining the creation of the ‘Pacific Solution’. The self-perpetuating fear is established within the text when the policeman says: “I am sure he would murder us all if he could”; this is paralleled to the proclamations in the newspaper, ‘Foreigner Spreads Fear in Town’. Such parallels draw focus upon the capacity of power-holders to govern and instil a political climate of xenophobia supporting the malleability of truth. Thus, through fabricating ‘reality’, governments are able to manufacture a pretentious ‘truth’ to ultimately achieve ‘control’.
Power is attained from popularity and is a significant highlight of political personalities in both texts. This political motive is promoted through manipulating the public into voting for politicians who conceive to reflect their ideology. This is encompassed in Levinson’s advertising campaign ‘Don’t change horses in midstream’ which metaphorically references the manipulation in the presidential election through which the creators utilise their understanding of the voter’s reality to secure the election. As most people are patriotic they will unite against a common enemy, expecting their government to protect them. Thus the diegetic sound of music swelling to a crescendo builds patriotic motivation within the audience in response to election time. The extremely cynical and intelligent advisor, Conrad Brean, being the embodiment of the ‘inside’ specialises in fixing political crises and thus holds the key to power to keep the president’s public personality locked. Likewise, in Greder’s ‘The Island’, the framing of the individuals on pages three and four symbolise their unity against the perceived “other” and confront a salient demanding shot of the figure holding a weapon. This provokes the responder to adopt the perspective of the disempowered visitor establishing a hostile environment. The figures and their representation strongly correlate Howard’s fear based rhetoric espousing “we will decide who and under what circumstances comes to this country”. This reflects their ‘mob’ mentality utilising power and authority and drastically expressing ‘control’ as the ultimate goal.
Manipulation and secrecy conjure a false perspective of propagandas which are engulfed to the public. WTD explores privacy that circulates the American political system represented through film techniques. The close up shots of security footage highlights the importance of the White House and its individuals. The montage that follows of the close up shot of the feet as they walk several flights of stairs to basement suggests the situations attempt to keep it a secret. The lighting contrasting with the darkness and shadows subsiding upon the table with its members manifests the secrecy of what the characters are doing. Therefore the American public is completely in darkness to the manipulation of the forged war. In comparison, Greder inculcates a political climate of fear and xenophobia of outsiders reflected by the Howard government’s use of the media to intensify public anxiety and promote its own ability to defend the country. Greder’s use of short and sharp phrases conveys the metaphorical allegory and draws attention to the darkness and sombre nature of illustrations, displaying mystery and the poignant story becoming the salient aspect of the text. The secrecy builds when “they built a great wall all around the island with watchtowers”, to prevent all external species from coming into the Island. This continues to keep the public manipulated mentality of scary foreigners locked due to the false advertising of individuals of the society. Thus, manipulative motives express ‘control’ as the decisive objective completed through relatively clandestine and private approaches.
Levinson’s satiric film ‘Wag the Dog’ and Greder’s sombre and striking picture book ‘The Island’, effectively explores the malleability of truth, political leaders that abuse power, and the ‘control’ of public opinion through adopting their perspectives and events in order to convince audiences of the veracity of their arguments. Manipulative techniques utilised enhances the audience to adopt that critical perspective of events, personalities and situations. Thus, the intention of truth can be reformed to suit a favourable agenda in order to gain definite control.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
There are fallacies in all representations of truth and people embody manipulated forms of the truth, clandestinely expressing ‘control’. This is successfully shown through the 1997 political satire Wag the Dog (WTD), directed by Barry Levinson. This film focuses on the manipulative role of the Presidential campaigns in fabricating reality, displaying candidates as patriotic and honest. Armin Greder’s picture book ‘The Island’ is a powerful allegory that depicts notions of the politics of social hierarchies and ultimately widespread xenophobia. This correlates strongly with the political context of the Australian liberal policies in the era of the Howard Government. Both texts highlight the malleability of truth, political leaders that abuse power, as well as ‘control’ of public opinions with the power of media which provision the vague political motivations. Both composers attempt to influence and manipulate audiences into adopting their perspectives of events, personalities and situations, in order to convince audiences of the veracity of their arguments.
The truth is pliable and is easily amended to equip a government agenda. Ultimately, this is attained through the powerful representations between ‘truth’ and ‘reality’ explored in both texts. In WTD, Levinson deliberately emphasises various facts and events in order to influence the reader. The humour in the opening credit with its metaphor “tail wagging the dog” highlights the main theme of the film. It alerts the audience to the manipulative role of the government and unfolds to criticise how the rapacity of mass media influences the public to eliminate all obstructions with the president’s electoral status. This is seen through the merchandising of the Albanian war in side-track to the alleged affair between the president and the “firefly girl”. Throughout the creation of the war footage, juxtaposition is used in duality of the two screens of an Albanian girl holding a cat and running with sounds of war blazing in the background and the computer screens manipulating the footage. The responder is able to witness the forged footage of the cat which was edited into the scene using power of modern technology. This is a great testament to the ability of the media representation through which public takes as ‘real’. Similarly in the political picture book ‘The Island’, strong links emerge from pages 15-18 between the Islanders’ perception of the visitor and Howard government’s discourse of fear and hysteria underlining the creation of the ‘Pacific Solution’. The self-perpetuating fear is established within the text when the policeman says: “I am sure he would murder us all if he could”; this is paralleled to the proclamations in the newspaper, ‘Foreigner Spreads Fear in Town’. Such parallels draw focus upon the capacity of power-holders to govern and instil a political climate of xenophobia supporting the malleability of truth. Thus, through fabricating ‘reality’, governments are able to manufacture a pretentious ‘truth’ to ultimately achieve ‘control’.
Power is attained from popularity and is a significant highlight of political personalities in both texts. This political motive is promoted through manipulating the public into voting for politicians who conceive to reflect their ideology. This is encompassed in Levinson’s advertising campaign ‘Don’t change horses in midstream’ which metaphorically references the manipulation in the presidential election through which the creators utilise their understanding of the voter’s reality to secure the election. As most people are patriotic they will unite against a common enemy, expecting their government to protect them. Thus the diegetic sound of music swelling to a crescendo builds patriotic motivation within the audience in response to election time. The extremely cynical and intelligent advisor, Conrad Brean, being the embodiment of the ‘inside’ specialises in fixing political crises and thus holds the key to power to keep the president’s public personality locked. Likewise, in Greder’s ‘The Island’, the framing of the individuals on pages three and four symbolise their unity against the perceived “other” and confront a salient demanding shot of the figure holding a weapon. This provokes the responder to adopt the perspective of the disempowered visitor establishing a hostile environment. The figures and their representation strongly correlate Howard’s fear based rhetoric espousing “we will decide who and under what circumstances comes to this country”. This reflects their ‘mob’ mentality utilising power and authority and drastically expressing ‘control’ as the ultimate goal.
Manipulation and secrecy conjure a false perspective of propagandas which are engulfed to the public. WTD explores privacy that circulates the American political system represented through film techniques. The close up shots of security footage highlights the importance of the White House and its individuals. The montage that follows of the close up shot of the feet as they walk several flights of stairs to basement suggests the situations attempt to keep it a secret. The lighting contrasting with the darkness and shadows subsiding upon the table with its members manifests the secrecy of what the characters are doing. Therefore the American public is completely in darkness to the manipulation of the forged war. In comparison, Greder inculcates a political climate of fear and xenophobia of outsiders reflected by the Howard government’s use of the media to intensify public anxiety and promote its own ability to defend the country. Greder’s use of short and sharp phrases conveys the metaphorical allegory and draws attention to the darkness and sombre nature of illustrations, displaying mystery and the poignant story becoming the salient aspect of the text. The secrecy builds when “they built a great wall all around the island with watchtowers”, to prevent all external species from coming into the Island. This continues to keep the public manipulated mentality of scary foreigners locked due to the false advertising of individuals of the society. Thus, manipulative motives express ‘control’ as the decisive objective completed through relatively clandestine and private approaches.
Levinson’s satiric film ‘Wag the Dog’ and Greder’s sombre and striking picture book ‘The Island’, effectively explores the malleability of truth, political leaders that abuse power, and the ‘control’ of public opinion through adopting their perspectives and events in order to convince audiences of the veracity of their arguments. Manipulative techniques utilised enhances the audience to adopt that critical perspective of events, personalities and situations. Thus, the intention of truth can be reformed to suit a favourable agenda in order to gain definite control.
Post by: nibblez16 on October 11, 2016, 07:10:32 pm
I wanted to ask if say we have a big quote, can we shorten the quote having to add a word or two of our own? Or does it 100% have to be a correct exact quote?
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 11, 2016, 07:20:05 pm
Thank You so much Brenden! :) :)
I wanted to ask if say we have a big quote, can we shorten the quote having to add a word or two of our own? Or does it 100% have to be a correct exact quote?
you can always add your own words just make sure you use a [ ] around the word that is your own but try to be as accurate as possible
Post by: nibblez16 on October 11, 2016, 07:34:27 pm
you can always add your own words just make sure you use a [ ] around the word that is your own but try to be as accurate as possible
Thank You! :)
Post by: sudodds on October 11, 2016, 07:41:26 pm
Post by: BPunjabi on October 11, 2016, 09:14:00 pm
There's three focus areas you need, I think.
1. Analysis/technique
2. Robust comparison that isn't shallow or not really attempted
3. Clarity of writing.
You're on the precipice of something really good. You can do this!! :D
Lol what the actual fuck Brendon.."G-up on film noir and spit some gangster shit about the distancing/frame of the movie shots, but I feel like you back down from the streets and run into McDonald's to be safe instead"
Thanks so much man!! Still have so much to do in little time!! I will quickly make changes and smash this essay out.
Thanks heaps bro!!!
Post by: brenden on October 11, 2016, 09:19:18 pm
Hey guys,<3 u isaac
I'm not sure how many posts I have or if I qualify for an essay marked. Could you please let me know how many more posts I need to get an essay marked?
I'm leaving my Mod C essay here and I'll be sure to hopefully reach the required posts soon :)
As well as general feedback, if you could outline areas where I go on tangents or that are not very clear or aren't working, please let me know as it is quite long still :)
Thank you guys soo much!!! not sure where i'd be without ATARnotes :D :D
unmarked essay
A composer’s representation of people and politics is often a criticism of a composer’s contemporary context, reflecting political motivations and acts and their ramifications on individuals and society more broadly. Arthur Miller’s dramatic play The Crucible (1953) explores how competing voices are silenced in 1692 Salem, paralleling his contextual political situation of McCarthyism. Similarly, Lee Daniels’ historical feature film, The Butler (2013) explores competing political perspectives surrounding the American civil rights movement. Dissent in the form of political perspectives that oppose the majority’s view are silenced by the majority which can cause injustice to individuals and broader society. Both composers utilise a variety of dramatic and cinematic techniques in order represent political situations of their own context; commenting on and criticising the impacts of political acts that silence competing political perspectives, whilst positioning audiences to agree with their point of view.
Political events and situations are tumultuous, causing dissent from competing political perspectives that challenge widely accepted beliefs. Miller condemns his contexts’ political situation of McCarthyism which arbitrarily accused and punished perceived communists who threatened the socialist regime. The Theocracy’s reign, using religion as a vehicle to maintain and exercise control, is Miller’s deliberate representation of his political context, allowing him to indirectly criticise the McCarthyist regime. Corruption and materialism that characterise the theocracy, evokes a negative attitude within the audience; evident in Proctor’s hyperbolic criticism of Parris’ demands that he “preach nothin’ but golden candlesticks for 20 weeks until he had them.” Dissension through competing political perspectives threaten the theocracy’s control over Salem, epitomised through Danforth’s metaphor “A person is either with this court or he must be counted against it, there be no road in between.” Miller depicts competing political perspectives that are hidden behind adherence or denial of religious rules, thus making political motivations ambiguous. By representing his own political context, Miller effectively conveys to responders how those in power silence dissenters in order to maintain control. Excessive repetition of questioning and pleading in “What say you, sir? Will you drop this charge? What say you to that?” exemplify the Theocracy’s attempts to silence Proctor’s dissent, revealing their overwhelming desire to maintain control. Thus Miller depicts dissent in Salem as an effective representation of his political situation, conveying to responders how these individual perspectives are unjustly silenced.
Just as Miller represents those in power silencing dissent, Daniels describes the political climate of the American civil rights movement that dissented against the white majority to gain control. A low angle shot combined with the commanding tone of the white Ms Annabelle, as she orders the black slaves, “I don’t even wanna hear you breathe” emphasises the white majority’s supremacist perspective. Scared facial expressions of the black slaves deliberately positions responders to negatively view the white majority’s views. Dissension against this shared perspective is represented through any political perspective that opposes the elitist views of the white majority in 20th century America. President Kennedy’s television address that plays on top of majestic string and brass non-diegetic music, inspires responders with his desire to “enact legislation, giving all Americans the right to be served … in hotels, restaurants and theatres.” Cumulation of facilities emphasises the existing oppression of the minority and like Miller, deliberately positions responders to negatively view those in power. Civil rights activists, represented through the Black Panthers, dissent against black oppression, epitomised through political acts of repeating “I would like to be served” at a white diner. This act of dissent threatens the white majority’s control, highlighted by a panning shot across a room of angered white facial expressions; allowing Daniels’ to convey the need for dissent in an oppressive society. Thus, competing political motivations cause conflict within society, necessitating dissent in order to gain a change in control.
Competing political perspectives may be silenced through political acts that can result in injustice for individuals and broader society. As a representation of his own context, Miller condemns the injustice that results from attempts to silence competing political perspectives. The theological political perspective is described by Hale as “a fortress, no crack in a fortress may be counted small,” exposing the need to silence dissent in order to maintain control. Danforth’s hyperbole and exclamation in “I shall hang ten thousand that dare to rise against the law!” epitomises the extent to which the theocracy will act and cause fear and injustice to society as a whole; in which Miller deliberate manipulates responders to harshly criticise these political acts. Utilisation of the crescendo effect, inherent within each act, effectively ensures audience engagement. Responders consequently have a heightened understanding of Miller’s purpose that condemns injustice that results from silencing dissent, exposed through explanatory notes/stage directions to “show that the sin of public terror is that it divests man of conscience … expose the guilt which the hysteria merely unleashed.” The moral conscience of Salem, revealed through biblical allusions of “saint like Rebecca,” whose death by the theocracy epitomises injustice to individuals that is caused by silencing dissent. Thus Miller’s representation of the Theocracy silencing dissent as a reflection of his own context positions readers to condemn oppressive regimes.
Whilst Miller deliberately portrays the silencing of competing perspectives as unjust, reflecting his political McCarthyist context, Daniels reflects the American civil rights movement as necessary due to widespread injustice from the white majority silencing dissent. Those that dissent are punished through political acts involving humiliation and violence that strip away individual rights. Forlorn music enhances Kennedy’s report on Louis’ arrest, “He’s pretty beat up. Based on his record he must be used to it. He’s been arrested 16 times.” Cecil’s sombre facial expression and lowered head, highlights the unjust ramifications of political acts on families and broader society, deliberately positioning readers to condemn the oppressive white majority. Acts of violence against the minority create oppression and injustice, evident in the diner where the white majority shout derogatory terms in angry tones at activists, “Get up nigger” and “Does it say coons here?” Rapid transitions between numerous violent acts against the activists, highlights the overwhelming ability of the shared political perspective to silence individuals. Cecil’s voice over “Mrs Kennedy refused to change her clothes so that everybody could see what they did to her husband” as her pristine costuming is symbolically stained with blood, emphasises injustice as a result of the white majority’s political act of Kennedy’s assassination. The effects of political acts on families is evident through her facial expressions of crying and pain in conjunction with melancholy non-diegetic background music. Thus, political acts to silence competing perspectives results in injustice and oppression to those that threaten the shared perspectives control.
Thus representations of people and politics highlight the different political motivations within society. When the shared perspective is threatened, political acts ensue to silence contrasting opinions, resulting in injustice to those that are targeted. Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and Lee Daniel’s The Butler both represent historical events that allow their composer to comment on the political situation at the time.
Political events and situations are tumultuous, causing dissent from competing political perspectives that challenge widely accepted beliefs. Miller condemns his contexts’ political situation of McCarthyism which arbitrarily accused and punished perceived communists who threatened the socialist regime. The Theocracy’s reign, using religion as a vehicle to maintain and exercise control, is Miller’s deliberate representation of his political context, allowing him to indirectly criticise the McCarthyist regime. Corruption and materialism that characterise the theocracy, evokes a negative attitude within the audience; evident in Proctor’s hyperbolic criticism of Parris’ demands that he “preach nothin’ but golden candlesticks for 20 weeks until he had them.” Dissension through competing political perspectives threaten the theocracy’s control over Salem, epitomised through Danforth’s metaphor “A person is either with this court or he must be counted against it, there be no road in between.” Miller depicts competing political perspectives that are hidden behind adherence or denial of religious rules, thus making political motivations ambiguous. By representing his own political context, Miller effectively conveys to responders how those in power silence dissenters in order to maintain control. Excessive repetition of questioning and pleading in “What say you, sir? Will you drop this charge? What say you to that?” exemplify the Theocracy’s attempts to silence Proctor’s dissent, revealing their overwhelming desire to maintain control. Thus Miller depicts dissent in Salem as an effective representation of his political situation, conveying to responders how these individual perspectives are unjustly silenced.
Just as Miller represents those in power silencing dissent, Daniels describes the political climate of the American civil rights movement that dissented against the white majority to gain control. A low angle shot combined with the commanding tone of the white Ms Annabelle, as she orders the black slaves, “I don’t even wanna hear you breathe” emphasises the white majority’s supremacist perspective. Scared facial expressions of the black slaves deliberately positions responders to negatively view the white majority’s views. Dissension against this shared perspective is represented through any political perspective that opposes the elitist views of the white majority in 20th century America. President Kennedy’s television address that plays on top of majestic string and brass non-diegetic music, inspires responders with his desire to “enact legislation, giving all Americans the right to be served … in hotels, restaurants and theatres.” Cumulation of facilities emphasises the existing oppression of the minority and like Miller, deliberately positions responders to negatively view those in power. Civil rights activists, represented through the Black Panthers, dissent against black oppression, epitomised through political acts of repeating “I would like to be served” at a white diner. This act of dissent threatens the white majority’s control, highlighted by a panning shot across a room of angered white facial expressions; allowing Daniels’ to convey the need for dissent in an oppressive society. Thus, competing political motivations cause conflict within society, necessitating dissent in order to gain a change in control.
Competing political perspectives may be silenced through political acts that can result in injustice for individuals and broader society. As a representation of his own context, Miller condemns the injustice that results from attempts to silence competing political perspectives. The theological political perspective is described by Hale as “a fortress, no crack in a fortress may be counted small,” exposing the need to silence dissent in order to maintain control. Danforth’s hyperbole and exclamation in “I shall hang ten thousand that dare to rise against the law!” epitomises the extent to which the theocracy will act and cause fear and injustice to society as a whole; in which Miller deliberate manipulates responders to harshly criticise these political acts. Utilisation of the crescendo effect, inherent within each act, effectively ensures audience engagement. Responders consequently have a heightened understanding of Miller’s purpose that condemns injustice that results from silencing dissent, exposed through explanatory notes/stage directions to “show that the sin of public terror is that it divests man of conscience … expose the guilt which the hysteria merely unleashed.” The moral conscience of Salem, revealed through biblical allusions of “saint like Rebecca,” whose death by the theocracy epitomises injustice to individuals that is caused by silencing dissent. Thus Miller’s representation of the Theocracy silencing dissent as a reflection of his own context positions readers to condemn oppressive regimes.
Whilst Miller deliberately portrays the silencing of competing perspectives as unjust, reflecting his political McCarthyist context, Daniels reflects the American civil rights movement as necessary due to widespread injustice from the white majority silencing dissent. Those that dissent are punished through political acts involving humiliation and violence that strip away individual rights. Forlorn music enhances Kennedy’s report on Louis’ arrest, “He’s pretty beat up. Based on his record he must be used to it. He’s been arrested 16 times.” Cecil’s sombre facial expression and lowered head, highlights the unjust ramifications of political acts on families and broader society, deliberately positioning readers to condemn the oppressive white majority. Acts of violence against the minority create oppression and injustice, evident in the diner where the white majority shout derogatory terms in angry tones at activists, “Get up nigger” and “Does it say coons here?” Rapid transitions between numerous violent acts against the activists, highlights the overwhelming ability of the shared political perspective to silence individuals. Cecil’s voice over “Mrs Kennedy refused to change her clothes so that everybody could see what they did to her husband” as her pristine costuming is symbolically stained with blood, emphasises injustice as a result of the white majority’s political act of Kennedy’s assassination. The effects of political acts on families is evident through her facial expressions of crying and pain in conjunction with melancholy non-diegetic background music. Thus, political acts to silence competing perspectives results in injustice and oppression to those that threaten the shared perspectives control.
Thus representations of people and politics highlight the different political motivations within society. When the shared perspective is threatened, political acts ensue to silence contrasting opinions, resulting in injustice to those that are targeted. Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and Lee Daniel’s The Butler both represent historical events that allow their composer to comment on the political situation at the time.
marked essay
A composer’s representation of people and politics is often a criticism of a composer’s contemporary context, reflecting political motivations and acts and their ramifications on individuals and society more broadly. NICE first sentence. Arthur Miller’s dramatic play The Crucible (1953) explores how competing voices are silenced in 1692 Salem, paralleling his contextual political situation of McCarthyismReally really great. I feel as if the sentence is "cut short". I might even just tack on "McCarthyism in 1950s America" or something like that, coz it feels abrupt (to me), at the moment.. Similarly, Lee Daniels’ historical feature film, The Butler (2013) explores competing political perspectives surrounding the American civil rights movement. Dissent in the form of political perspectives that oppose the majority’s view are silenced by the majority which can cause injustice to individuals and broader society if you get the chane to write in "active voice" instead of "passive voice", it's better to go with active whilst in year 12. "I.e, "the majority silences dissenting voices" is active, whereas "dissenting voices are silenced by the majority" is passive. Active/passive actually have really important functions in society. For example, if the government ever forcibly acquires your house, they will never say "The government will forcibly acquire your house" (active). They will say "your house will be forcibly acquired" (passive, weaker). So yeah I'd just chance this past sentence to the active voice so it sounds stronger. Both composers utilise a variety of dramatic and cinematic techniques in order represent political situations of their own context; commenting on and criticising the impacts of political acts that silence competing political perspectives, whilst positioning audiences to agree with their point of view.LOVE your intro. Just really robust. Not frail in anyway - you have a really clear thesis and it's structured really well. I like it.
Political events and situations are tumultuous, causing dissent from competing political perspectives that challenge widely accepted beliefs. Miller condemns his contexts’ political situation of McCarthyism which arbitrarily accused and punished perceived communists who threatened the socialist regime awkward grammar here because it can be read two ways. "The bully threatened the boy". "The communist threatened the socialist regime". "The X threatened the Y". It COULD read as if there was a communist fighting AGAINST a socialist regime instead of threatening America by IMPLEMENTING a socialist regime. I would rephrase a tiny bit. I only bring this up because when i read that, I initially said "wtf he said socialist instead of capitalist" (as in, communists threaten the socialist regime" - then I realised. So yeah... Tiny tiny thing but just to be safe???? . The Theocracy’s reign, using religion as a vehicle to maintain and exercise control, is Miller’s deliberate representation of his political context, allowing him to indirectly criticise the McCarthyist regime. Corruption and materialism that characterise the theocracy, evokes a negative attitude within the audience; evident in Proctor’s hyperbolic criticism of Parris’ demands that he “preach nothin’ but golden candlesticks for 20 weeks until he had them.” Dissension through competing political perspectives threaten the theocracy’s control over Salem, epitomised through Danforth’s metaphor “A person is either with this court or he must be counted against it, there be no road in between.” Miller depicts competing political perspectives that are hidden behind adherence or denial of religious rules, thus making political motivations ambiguous. By representing his own political context, Miller effectively conveys to responders how those in power silence dissenters in order to maintain control. Excessive repetition of questioning and pleading in “What say you, sir? Will you drop this charge? What say you to that?” exemplify the Theocracy’s attempts to silence Proctor’s dissent, revealing their overwhelming desire to maintain control. Thus Miller depicts dissent in Salem as an effective representation of his political situation, conveying to responders how these individual perspectives are unjustly silenced. Impressive paragraph. Really clear writing, active voice throughout, great analysis. I'm not trying to cop out here but g-up to this paragraph 4 real.
Just as Miller represents those in power silencing dissent, Daniels describes the political climate of the American civil rights movement that dissented against the white majority to gain controlnice tran-zish.. A low angle shot combined with the commanding tone of the white Ms Annabelle, as she orders the black slaves, “I don’t even wanna hear you breathe” emphasises the white majority’s supremacist perspectivehow does it emphasise? is it because the low angle shot makes her look physically bigger and more imposing? probably. . Scared facial expressions of the black slaves deliberately you've used deliberately a few times. It's okay to omit it.positions responders to negatively view the white majority’s views. Dissension against this shared perspective is represented through any political perspective that opposes the elitist views of the white majority in 20th century America.awkward sentence, tiny bit unclear President Kennedy’s television address that plays on top of majestic string and brass non-diegetic music, inspires responders with his desire to “enact legislation, giving all Americans the right to be served … in hotels, restaurants and theatres.” Cumulation of facilities emphasises the existing oppression of the minority and like Miller, deliberatelywords you could use other than deliberately: nothing at all (omit it), systematically, methodically, carefully positions responders to negatively view those in power. Civil rights activists, represented through the Black Panthers, dissent against black oppression, epitomised through political acts of repeating “I would like to be served” at a white diner. This act of dissent threatens the white majority’s control, highlighted by a panning shot across a room of angered white facial expressions; allowing Daniels’ to convey the need for dissent in an oppressive society. Thus, competing political motivations cause conflict within society, necessitating dissent in order to gain a change in control. This para felt 5% weaker than your first, almost as if it were written with a fraction less confidence
Competing political perspectives may be silenced through political acts that can result in injustice for individuals and broader society. As a representation of his own context, Miller condemns the injustice that results from attempts to silence competing political perspectives. The theological political perspective is described by Hale as “a fortress, no crack in a fortress may be counted small,” exposing the need to silence dissent in order to maintain control. Danforth’s hyperbole and exclamation in “I shall hang ten thousand that dare to rise against the law!” epitomises the extent to which the theocracy will act and cause fear and injustice to society as a whole; in which Miller deliberatemanipulates is already a word that connotes deliberateness, so no ned to say deliberately manipulates. Definitely cut down on the deliberately - even whn you say "Author positions", that sort of connotes deliberateness as well coz like, it's a verb, the author is DOing something. if the author is to do something, it's naturally deliberate. (that's why it's bugging me a bit but i don't mean to be a fascist type teacher cracking down on words that are meaningless in the scheme of things but yeah my feels is just that your using a tiny bit much manipulates responders to harshly criticise these political acts. Utilisation of the crescendo effect, inherent within each act, effectively ensures audience engagement. Responders consequently have a heightened understanding of Miller’s purpose that condemns injustice Dose his purpose condemn injustice, or does HE condemn injustice? A weird sentence, lil awkwardthat results from silencing dissent, exposed through explanatory notes/stage directions Don't use slashes in year 12. one of those arbitrary rules. you could use "and", or just choose one of them. to “show that the sin of public terror is that it divests man of conscience … expose the guilt which the hysteria merely unleashed.” The moral conscience of Salem, revealed through biblical allusions of “saint like Rebecca,” whose death by the theocracy epitomises injustice to individuals that is caused by silencing dissent What about the moral conscience of Salem? Seems like an unfinished sentence. Finishes really awkwardly. I understand the moral conscience is reveealed through biblical illusions, but like, the sentence trails off? maybe "The moral consciences of Salem IS revealed through...whose death etc.. Thus Miller’s representation of the Theocracy silencing dissent as a reflection of his own context positions readers to condemn oppressive regimes.Really nice para!
Whilst Miller deliberately portrays the silencing of competing perspectives as unjust, reflecting his political McCarthyist context, Daniels reflects the American civil rights movement as necessary due to widespread injustice from the white majority silencing dissent. Those that dissent are punished through political acts involving humiliation and violence that strip away individual rights. Forlorn music enhances Kennedy’s report on Louis’ arrest, “He’s pretty beat up. Based on his record he must be used to it. He’s been arrested 16 times.” Cecil’s sombre facial expression and lowered head, highlights the unjust ramifications of political acts on families and broader society, deliberately positioning readers to condemn the oppressive white majority. Acts of violence against the minority create oppression and injustice, evident in the diner where the white majority shout derogatory terms in angry tones at activists, such as “Get up nigger” and “Does it say coons here?” Rapid transitions between numerous violent acts against the activists, highlightsyou don't need a comma here - it's not a separate clause in the sentence, the comma i have coloured in 'blue' makes the sentence read funny the overwhelming ability of the shared political perspective to silence individuals. Cecil’s voice over “Mrs Kennedy refused to change her clothes so that everybody could see what they did to her husband” as her pristine costuming is symbolically stained with blood, emphasises injustice as a result of the white majority’s political act of Kennedy’s assassination. The effects of political acts on families is evident through her facial expressions of crying and pain in conjunction with melancholy non-diegetic background music. Thus, political acts to silence competing perspectives results in injustice and oppression to those that threaten the shared perspectives control.
Thus representations of people and politics highlight the different political motivations within society. When the shared perspective is threatened, political acts ensue to silence contrasting opinions, resulting in injustice to those that are targeted. Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and Lee Daniel’s The Butler both represent historical events that allow their composer to comment on the political situation at the time.
Political events and situations are tumultuous, causing dissent from competing political perspectives that challenge widely accepted beliefs. Miller condemns his contexts’ political situation of McCarthyism which arbitrarily accused and punished perceived communists who threatened the socialist regime awkward grammar here because it can be read two ways. "The bully threatened the boy". "The communist threatened the socialist regime". "The X threatened the Y". It COULD read as if there was a communist fighting AGAINST a socialist regime instead of threatening America by IMPLEMENTING a socialist regime. I would rephrase a tiny bit. I only bring this up because when i read that, I initially said "wtf he said socialist instead of capitalist" (as in, communists threaten the socialist regime" - then I realised. So yeah... Tiny tiny thing but just to be safe???? . The Theocracy’s reign, using religion as a vehicle to maintain and exercise control, is Miller’s deliberate representation of his political context, allowing him to indirectly criticise the McCarthyist regime. Corruption and materialism that characterise the theocracy, evokes a negative attitude within the audience; evident in Proctor’s hyperbolic criticism of Parris’ demands that he “preach nothin’ but golden candlesticks for 20 weeks until he had them.” Dissension through competing political perspectives threaten the theocracy’s control over Salem, epitomised through Danforth’s metaphor “A person is either with this court or he must be counted against it, there be no road in between.” Miller depicts competing political perspectives that are hidden behind adherence or denial of religious rules, thus making political motivations ambiguous. By representing his own political context, Miller effectively conveys to responders how those in power silence dissenters in order to maintain control. Excessive repetition of questioning and pleading in “What say you, sir? Will you drop this charge? What say you to that?” exemplify the Theocracy’s attempts to silence Proctor’s dissent, revealing their overwhelming desire to maintain control. Thus Miller depicts dissent in Salem as an effective representation of his political situation, conveying to responders how these individual perspectives are unjustly silenced. Impressive paragraph. Really clear writing, active voice throughout, great analysis. I'm not trying to cop out here but g-up to this paragraph 4 real.
Just as Miller represents those in power silencing dissent, Daniels describes the political climate of the American civil rights movement that dissented against the white majority to gain controlnice tran-zish.. A low angle shot combined with the commanding tone of the white Ms Annabelle, as she orders the black slaves, “I don’t even wanna hear you breathe” emphasises the white majority’s supremacist perspectivehow does it emphasise? is it because the low angle shot makes her look physically bigger and more imposing? probably. . Scared facial expressions of the black slaves deliberately you've used deliberately a few times. It's okay to omit it.positions responders to negatively view the white majority’s views. Dissension against this shared perspective is represented through any political perspective that opposes the elitist views of the white majority in 20th century America.awkward sentence, tiny bit unclear President Kennedy’s television address that plays on top of majestic string and brass non-diegetic music, inspires responders with his desire to “enact legislation, giving all Americans the right to be served … in hotels, restaurants and theatres.” Cumulation of facilities emphasises the existing oppression of the minority and like Miller, deliberatelywords you could use other than deliberately: nothing at all (omit it), systematically, methodically, carefully positions responders to negatively view those in power. Civil rights activists, represented through the Black Panthers, dissent against black oppression, epitomised through political acts of repeating “I would like to be served” at a white diner. This act of dissent threatens the white majority’s control, highlighted by a panning shot across a room of angered white facial expressions; allowing Daniels’ to convey the need for dissent in an oppressive society. Thus, competing political motivations cause conflict within society, necessitating dissent in order to gain a change in control. This para felt 5% weaker than your first, almost as if it were written with a fraction less confidence
Competing political perspectives may be silenced through political acts that can result in injustice for individuals and broader society. As a representation of his own context, Miller condemns the injustice that results from attempts to silence competing political perspectives. The theological political perspective is described by Hale as “a fortress, no crack in a fortress may be counted small,” exposing the need to silence dissent in order to maintain control. Danforth’s hyperbole and exclamation in “I shall hang ten thousand that dare to rise against the law!” epitomises the extent to which the theocracy will act and cause fear and injustice to society as a whole; in which Miller deliberatemanipulates is already a word that connotes deliberateness, so no ned to say deliberately manipulates. Definitely cut down on the deliberately - even whn you say "Author positions", that sort of connotes deliberateness as well coz like, it's a verb, the author is DOing something. if the author is to do something, it's naturally deliberate. (that's why it's bugging me a bit but i don't mean to be a fascist type teacher cracking down on words that are meaningless in the scheme of things but yeah my feels is just that your using a tiny bit much manipulates responders to harshly criticise these political acts. Utilisation of the crescendo effect, inherent within each act, effectively ensures audience engagement. Responders consequently have a heightened understanding of Miller’s purpose that condemns injustice Dose his purpose condemn injustice, or does HE condemn injustice? A weird sentence, lil awkwardthat results from silencing dissent, exposed through explanatory notes/stage directions Don't use slashes in year 12. one of those arbitrary rules. you could use "and", or just choose one of them. to “show that the sin of public terror is that it divests man of conscience … expose the guilt which the hysteria merely unleashed.” The moral conscience of Salem, revealed through biblical allusions of “saint like Rebecca,” whose death by the theocracy epitomises injustice to individuals that is caused by silencing dissent What about the moral conscience of Salem? Seems like an unfinished sentence. Finishes really awkwardly. I understand the moral conscience is reveealed through biblical illusions, but like, the sentence trails off? maybe "The moral consciences of Salem IS revealed through...whose death etc.. Thus Miller’s representation of the Theocracy silencing dissent as a reflection of his own context positions readers to condemn oppressive regimes.Really nice para!
Whilst Miller deliberately portrays the silencing of competing perspectives as unjust, reflecting his political McCarthyist context, Daniels reflects the American civil rights movement as necessary due to widespread injustice from the white majority silencing dissent. Those that dissent are punished through political acts involving humiliation and violence that strip away individual rights. Forlorn music enhances Kennedy’s report on Louis’ arrest, “He’s pretty beat up. Based on his record he must be used to it. He’s been arrested 16 times.” Cecil’s sombre facial expression and lowered head, highlights the unjust ramifications of political acts on families and broader society, deliberately positioning readers to condemn the oppressive white majority. Acts of violence against the minority create oppression and injustice, evident in the diner where the white majority shout derogatory terms in angry tones at activists, such as “Get up nigger” and “Does it say coons here?” Rapid transitions between numerous violent acts against the activists, highlightsyou don't need a comma here - it's not a separate clause in the sentence, the comma i have coloured in 'blue' makes the sentence read funny the overwhelming ability of the shared political perspective to silence individuals. Cecil’s voice over “Mrs Kennedy refused to change her clothes so that everybody could see what they did to her husband” as her pristine costuming is symbolically stained with blood, emphasises injustice as a result of the white majority’s political act of Kennedy’s assassination. The effects of political acts on families is evident through her facial expressions of crying and pain in conjunction with melancholy non-diegetic background music. Thus, political acts to silence competing perspectives results in injustice and oppression to those that threaten the shared perspectives control.
Thus representations of people and politics highlight the different political motivations within society. When the shared perspective is threatened, political acts ensue to silence contrasting opinions, resulting in injustice to those that are targeted. Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and Lee Daniel’s The Butler both represent historical events that allow their composer to comment on the political situation at the time.
Lol what the actual fuck Brendon.."G-up on film noir and spit some gangster shit about the distancing/frame of the movie shots, but I feel like you back down from the streets and run into McDonald's to be safe instead"loooooooooooooool
Thanks so much man!! Still have so much to do in little time!! I will quickly make changes and smash this essay out.
Thanks heaps bro!!!
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 11, 2016, 09:30:03 pm
Thank You! :)
no worries happy to help
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 12, 2016, 01:38:07 am
Post by: hmmo_o on October 13, 2016, 02:17:43 pm
I'm so sorry that I didn't post this yesterday!!
As you could imagine, I was caught up with AOS and fell asleep straight away.
I'm just going to leave this here :[ (just need to know if I'm doing enough with the related text material..)
And as I mentioned in the pm, the last paragraph is just there to give you a sense of how I'm planning to tie things together.
Sorry again!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 13, 2016, 08:41:22 pm
(this is specifically for Jamon?)
I'm so sorry that I didn't post this yesterday!!
As you could imagine, I was caught up with AOS and fell asleep straight away.
I'm just going to leave this here :[ (just need to know if I'm doing enough with the related text material..)
And as I mentioned in the pm, the last paragraph is just there to give you a sense of how I'm planning to tie things together.
Sorry again!!
Hey! No worries at all. Here is some comments on your paragraph:
Spoiler
Language forms are vital in stimulating empathy and sharing the human experience of the power of landscapes to reflect an aspect of an individual’s identity. What aspects? Have you elaborated on this earlier? Very broad concept. As with De Botton’s experience with the ‘escape’ that landscapes provide, Winton’s short narrative ‘Bay of Angels’ easily engages and infuses the reader into the escapist setting of Kings Park in Perth through his persona’s experience. Excellent introduction/comparison of texts. The permanent quality of natural landscapes as a place to hold memories and emotions is demonstrated by anecdotes and the nostalgic tone in the lines “I learnt to walk on that soft strip of sand… it’s safe here- next week I’ll bring little Sam down.”, which suggest a sense of simplicity and purity. Excellent. Akin to De Botton’s memory of Lake District, the persona’s engagement with the park creates memories that aid him to endure the everyday. This is reinforced by the simile “these afternoons helped him stay afloat; it was like jettisoning cargo”, indicating how the natural landscapes rejuvenates the persona and his friend, in spite of traumatic family circumstances. Excellent analysis; absolutely no comments here. Brilliant!
Landscapes provide reminders of humanity’s transience and in doing so, become awe-inspiring and calming forces that assuage grief and bitterness. Great concept. The short story form pervaded with metaphorical language establishes emotional engagement for the audience. What emotions are felt? Not a huge deal, but you could be more specific. “Unable to continue the way a swimmer…prepared to drown”, the persona’s friend is in emotional crisis suggested by the motif of ‘fat’ or buoyancy connoting emotional stability. Nice integration of quote. The juxtaposition between the friend “not going to fat” against “full-bellied yachts…pretty and fatuous” emphasises the power of landscapes to reflect the fragility of human psyche against nature’s permanence. Awesome. Metaphors of the seagull “Hanging strangled in the net” followed by “The sails… like the wings of angels” emphasise, despite the tragedies of life, the sense of hope and spirituality individuals find in landscapes, the river as a place of emotional homage, where “we always come back to water. When things happen.” Be sure that your paragraphs have a proper concluding sentence. Something like: "Thus, we can see how __________."
Landscapes provide reminders of humanity’s transience and in doing so, become awe-inspiring and calming forces that assuage grief and bitterness. Great concept. The short story form pervaded with metaphorical language establishes emotional engagement for the audience. What emotions are felt? Not a huge deal, but you could be more specific. “Unable to continue the way a swimmer…prepared to drown”, the persona’s friend is in emotional crisis suggested by the motif of ‘fat’ or buoyancy connoting emotional stability. Nice integration of quote. The juxtaposition between the friend “not going to fat” against “full-bellied yachts…pretty and fatuous” emphasises the power of landscapes to reflect the fragility of human psyche against nature’s permanence. Awesome. Metaphors of the seagull “Hanging strangled in the net” followed by “The sails… like the wings of angels” emphasise, despite the tragedies of life, the sense of hope and spirituality individuals find in landscapes, the river as a place of emotional homage, where “we always come back to water. When things happen.” Be sure that your paragraphs have a proper concluding sentence. Something like: "Thus, we can see how __________."
Wow, this is really fantastic stuff! You should be feeling really really confident, because you've really smashed the analysis here. Extremely powerful, extremely conceptual, brilliant! Some minor comments throughout, but on the whole, near perfection! :)
Ps - Your last paragraph looks great, I like how you are tying it all together, equally brilliant.
Not much I can help with here Annie, you've nailed it! Good luck for tomorrow :)
Post by: hmmo_o on October 13, 2016, 09:04:37 pm
Wow, this is really fantastic stuff! You should be feeling really really confident, because you've really smashed the analysis here. Extremely powerful, extremely conceptual, brilliant! Some minor comments throughout, but on the whole, near perfection! :)
Ps - Your last paragraph looks great, I like how you are tying it all together, equally brilliant.
Not much I can help with here Annie, you've nailed it! Good luck for tomorrow :)
Ahhhh!!!! THANK YOU JAMON! I was honestly so worried. I'll touch up those bits you've mentioned and make sure I can produce that many words in the exam.....
Thanks again!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 13, 2016, 09:11:36 pm
Ahhhh!!!! THANK YOU JAMON! I was honestly so worried. I'll touch up those bits you've mentioned and make sure I can produce that many words in the exam.....
Thanks again!!
Absolutely no reason to be! You are brilliant, stay confident and you'll smash it! :)
Post by: Sanaz on October 13, 2016, 09:15:45 pm
I don't feel comfortable writing two paragraphs and I don't want to waste time :/
Despite the detrimental effects to humanity, powerful leaders throughout history have subjugated the lower class by utilising societal control and oppression in pursuit of ideological supremacy. George Orwell’s futuristic prose fiction Nineteen Eighty –Four (1984) coupled with Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist, silent film, Metropolis explore the intertextual perspectives of a totalitarian society questioning the purpose of humanity. A comparative study of Metropolis and 1984, incisively encapsulates the thematic concerns of totalitarian dictatorships where the fundamental values of humanity become devoid by trying to achieve a uniform society.
1984 composed after Hitler’s rise in World War Two (WWII) and the Cold War in 1947, influenced by Nazi Germany and Stalin’s Soviet regime (USSR), explores the loss of human morals and values of freedom of thought and expression. Metropolis however, comprises the universal value of freedom and inequality in a hierarchically structured dystopian world during the Modern period following Weimer Republic’s first attempt at democracy proceeding World War I. German expressionism highlights a period where preconceived values were questioned and tested. The rise of the industrial revolution and advancement of technology along with economic downfall lead the government to prioritise economic gain rather than improvement of civilian’s lives. Comparatively, 1984’s Post Modern Period has an intensified atmosphere of cynicism and corruption due to the fear of nuclear power after the devastating repercussions of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
The moral coda of society is destroyed through the degradation of values as technology replaces humanity. Lang questions the dehumanisation of society during the industrial revolution where machines were more valued than humans. Robot-Maria’s erotic dance for the elite class entrances the men through the low angle close up shot and sinister facial expression emphasising that the growing power of technology manipulates humanity. The biblical allusion “I will commit all seven deadly sins,” and the hallucination of Freder as he meets death is symbolic of the power of technology and how it is disconnecting humans from their moral values. Robot Maria’s rhetoric, “Who is the living food for the machines of Metropolis? Who feeds the machines with their own flesh?” amplified chremamorphism objectifies the workers, as they have been reduced to inanimate objects with their self worth determined by their economic value. Similarly, in 1984, immorality is reiterated in the personification and authorial commentary, “Your worst enemy… was your own nervous system.,” depicting the demoralisation of civilians due to unethical and punishable thoughtcrime. Consequently, the repetitive chiasmus in the Ingsoc slogan as the Ministry of Truth alters the past, “The one who controls the past controls the future,” emphasises the immoral control of rationality depleting humanity as Orwell witnessed in Stalin’s oppressive regime. Ultimately, both texts highlight the diminishing nature of humanity over time successively through each context.
Metropolis’ oligarchy produces a mechanical society utilising technology to usurp power and exploit human values. In the opening montage the exhausted workers, wear the same black costume and cap, mechanically marching in unison acknowledging their lack of identity. Furthermore, a psychoanalytical perspective of the long, high angle shot during the flood scene conveys the lower class revolt and the suppressed emotions historically alluding to the economic and political aftermath of Germany’s defeat and Treaty of Versailles leading to hyperinflation, poverty and conflict. Similarly, lack of identity is also achieved through indoctrination by Ingsoc when Obrien confronts Winston through the motif of mind control and allusion to parapsychology in “We control matter because we control the mind. Reality is inside the skull.” By controlling reality, the government is able to control society and reduce individuality in order to maintain omnipotence. Winston revaluates his existence emphasising through plosive jarring sounds, “Nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres in your skull” paralleling lack of privacy of the Outer party resulting in Winston’s purposeless world. The existentialist concern of depleting identity is reinforced through the euphemistic semantic field, “your existence was denied or forgotten. You were abolished, annihilated: vaporised.” The mechanism of trepidation employed to control society, and Winston’s paranoia is archetypal of a citizen living in Oceania. Ultimately, Orwell’s dystopian context resonates through his prose highlighting the persisting concern of corruption.
Tyrannical governments manipulate society to maintain control whilst establishing a powerless lower class. Lang highlights inequality and disparity between the bourgeoisie and exploited proletariat through hierarchy by exercising control economically. Costuming in Metropolis, depicting Maria’s simple clothing juxtaposed to the eccentric, elaborate and revealing clothing worn by the ladies of the eternal garden provides a clear distinction between the elite and plebeians illustrates economic inequality. The harsh symmetrical architecture of the city is typical of German expressionism and the biblical allusion of the tower of babel to a panopticon portrays the surveillance of the lower class whilst usurping freedom. Additionally, cut cross screen transitions with a leitmotif of the workers giant ten-hour clock to Fredersen’s small watch depicts social inequality with the aristocracy in control of time and personal freedom. In Orwell’s society power was usurped through the exploitation of fear. The consequences of rebellion are evident through the repetition and lack of punctuation in “They’ll shoot me I don’t care they’ll shoot me in the back of the neck I don’t care… down with big brother.” This reveals Winston’s suppressed hatred towards Big Brother due to fear of punishment. Perturbation of the thoughtpolice is established through the simile “helicopter… hovered… like a bluebottle,” the blue bottle is a symbol of fear alluding to Nazi surveillance as personal freedom is prohibited through the terror induced by constant patrol. Thus, the prevailing concerns of disparity in society are reinforced through both contexts.
Ultimately, social inequality in a corrupted, economic driven culture is a perpetual concern as it results in the inevitable dehumanisation of society. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis raises awareness for the consequences of the overtly powerful oligarchy in his pre-war setting enhancing the concern of the persisting corruption in Orwell’s Post World War II setting. Whilst both composers highlight the repercussion of control which is a corrupted, uniform society, Orwell didactically warns individuals about the negative consequences of mind control and social manipulation in a communist society. Lang emphasizes the influence of technology in producing a homogenous lower class, capturing the enduring power struggle of the bourgeoisie and proletariat. In summation, the utilised methods of control collectively enhance the audience’s understanding of degrading impact of authoritative figures on society.
Post by: jakesilove on October 13, 2016, 09:22:38 pm
Sorry for asking so many questions but should I merge my intro and conceptual?
I don't feel comfortable writing two paragraphs and I don't want to waste time :/
Despite the detrimental effects to humanity, powerful leaders throughout history have subjugated the lower class by utilising societal control and oppression in pursuit of ideological supremacy. George Orwell’s futuristic prose fiction Nineteen Eighty –Four (1984) coupled with Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist, silent film, Metropolis explore the intertextual perspectives of a totalitarian society questioning the purpose of humanity. A comparative study of Metropolis and 1984, incisively encapsulates the thematic concerns of totalitarian dictatorships where the fundamental values of humanity become devoid by trying to achieve a uniform society.
Ultimately, social inequality in a corrupted, economic driven culture is a perpetual concern as it results in the inevitable dehumanisation of society. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis raises awareness for the consequences of the overtly powerful oligarchy in his pre-war setting enhancing the concern of the persisting corruption in Orwell’s Post World War II setting. Whilst both composers highlight the repercussion of control which is a corrupted, uniform society, Orwell didactically warns individuals about the negative consequences of mind control and social manipulation in a communist society. Lang emphasizes the influence of technology in producing a homogenous lower class, capturing the enduring power struggle of the bourgeoisie and proletariat. In summation, the utilised methods of control collectively enhance the audience’s understanding of degrading impact of authoritative figures on society.
Look, having a quick read through your response, all I can say is that you'll absolutely kill it tomorrow. This is an absolutely phenomenal essay, and I hope you're extremely proud of the work you've clearly put into it. As for feeling comfortable getting it all down on the paper, my main advice would be to decide, based on the question, if there is anything you can leave out. If there are quotes/analysis/context discussion that doesn't actually lend itself towards your thesis, then you can definitely scratch it mid-exam. If you find yourself struggling for time, write your sentences succinctly (which is never a bad thing anyway!). Other than that, don't stress; you've done the work, you know your shit, and tomorrow is just another exam.
Post by: Sanaz on October 13, 2016, 09:25:36 pm
Look, having a quick read through your response, all I can say is that you'll absolutely kill it tomorrow. This is an absolutely phenomenal essay, and I hope you're extremely proud of the work you've clearly put into it. As for feeling comfortable getting it all down on the paper, my main advice would be to decide, based on the question, if there is anything you can leave out. If there are quotes/analysis/context discussion that doesn't actually lend itself towards your thesis, then you can definitely scratch it mid-exam. If you find yourself struggling for time, write your sentences succinctly (which is never a bad thing anyway!). Other than that, don't stress; you've done the work, you know your shit, and tomorrow is just another exam.
Really? thank you so much for your help! makes me feel more confident :)
Post by: jakesilove on October 13, 2016, 09:29:58 pm
Really? thank you so much for your help! makes me feel more confident :)
Are you kidding me? You've got the word 'chremamorphism' in there! I rarely have to google words, but you absolutely stumped me this time. This is a stellar essay, so relax; English is nearly over, and you're absolutely going to do fine :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 13, 2016, 11:49:32 pm
Are you kidding me? You've got the word 'chremamorphism' in there! I rarely have to google words, but you absolutely stumped me this time. This is a stellar essay, so relax; English is nearly over, and you're absolutely going to do fine :)
Holy shit, Jake is the king of making teachers Google his words. You've played the master ;)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 14, 2016, 01:11:41 pm
Post by: hyra.reha on November 04, 2016, 01:26:44 am
THEIR
ENVIRONEMENTAL FOOT PRINT:
Good morning to all the staff members, this is me Hira Rehman and going to talk about the environmental footprints in our school and how can we solve this issue? I have often wondered how much my environmental actions contribute to bettering the world. However, after taking my first Ecological Footprint quiz, it seems that my standard of living requires 2.84 Earths to sustain the human population, about 1.84 more than I anticipated. The ecological footprint quiz explains these differences, and tries to direct our thinking to change our fundamental ideas of ‘progress’ and a continually growing economy. Personally, I make a daily effort to try to help the environment. I compost, recycle, buy clothes from thrift or consignment stores, purchase organic food, and ride a bike. Even though in school I tried to print less and bring food from home. This what not all students do?
Yesterday I went in the library and saw a girl who printed papers and trash it in the bin and again she printed and it was about sixteen pages single side. I got pissed off that she is misusing the energy and resources given to us. It’s not only her, there other students who do the same thing.
We all need to work together to overcome this effects. School environments play an important role in the health and academic success of children. We spend 90% of our time indoors and much of that time is spent in school. Unhealthy school environments can affect our health, attendance, concentration and performance, as well as lead to expensive, time-consuming cleanup and remediation activities.
We need to grab a garbage bag and start collecting the waste from our school because the air we breathe is not fresh and causes a lot of health issues like asthma, cough and lung cancer.
We must understand the whole concept of "green". So what do I mean by "green"? It doesn't just mean a color; it also means eco-friendliness and cleanness. "Green" reflects the state of being free from rubbish and being unharmful to the environment. Currently, our school covers a vast area of land filled with trees, and as a result, students gain a lot of benefits from them. Trees have addressed many issues at my school, like the need for fresh air (they take in carbon dioxide and produce oxygen), and they provide the cool shades students enjoy during hot summer days.
We can bring food from home instead of buying junk food from canteen and even though it’s not healthy for one’s life.
Do you know how much recycling can make our environment friendly?
Plastic bottles and aluminium cans can take hundreds of years to decompose, while glass takes around one million years to decompose in landfill.
Making aluminium from recycled aluminium cans takes 95% less energy than using raw materials.
Every recycled soft drink bottle saves enough energy to run a television for an hour and a half.
Our school is currently using the cardboard and paper bin, however, if the entire staff member request for a recycling bin then the council will arrange and make our environment friendly.
Australia is the second highest producer of waste per capita after the United States, sending 18 million tonnes to landfill per annum. This is equivalent to one tonne for every person.
We should use a specials whiteboard to prevent having to print specials each day. We should close all the unnecessary energy equipment and use air-condition on 26 Celsius.
We should create a recycling centre in our class and make a captain of this activity hence this increases the interest of class member in making the environment friendlier.
Make all the students play more sports as less light energy will use and it is good for our health as well.
All the staffs should turn electrical appliances off over the school holidays like ovens when not in use, lights, fridges and freezers.
All the staff should do an energy audit and see how it can save money and electricity. Other classes in our school should take the quiz and compare their results.
If we don’t take an action now, we will be destroyed. Our eco-friendly environment will convert in to an unhygienic environment causing a lot of diseases.
You should take an action for the rights of your students because we spend our half day in school and if we breathe the harmful agents.
Well, let’s take an oath and increase the attendance of our school by making it ecological friendly and reducing the footprint. Please review my ideas and take an action.
Thank you for listening me,
can u please mark my speech? the marking criteria is
engages comprehensively with task, addressing all key terms
uses the generic convention of a speech coherently and cohesively
use wide range of vocabulary
grammar and punctuation correctly.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 08, 2016, 02:14:36 pm
can u please mark my speech? the marking criteria is
engages comprehensively with task, addressing all key terms
uses the generic convention of a speech coherently and cohesively
use wide range of vocabulary
grammar and punctuation correctly.
Hey hrya! Sorry for taking a while; normally we require 15 posts on ATAR Notes for feedback, but since it's quiet I'd be happy to take 10 minutes to read your speech and I'll give you some general feedback!
Your Speech
SCHOOL SHOULD DO MORE TO REDUCE THEIR ENVIRONEMENTAL FOOT PRINT:
Good morning to all the staff members, this is me Hira Rehman and going to talk about the environmental footprints in our school and how can we solve this issue? I have often wondered how much my environmental actions contribute to bettering the world. However, after taking my first Ecological Footprint quiz, it seems that my standard of living requires 2.84 Earths to sustain the human population, about 1.84 more than I anticipated. The ecological footprint quiz explains these differences, and tries to direct our thinking to change our fundamental ideas of ‘progress’ and a continually growing economy. Personally, I make a daily effort to try to help the environment. I compost, recycle, buy clothes from thrift or consignment stores, purchase organic food, and ride a bike. Even though in school I tried to print less and bring food from home. This what not all students do?
Yesterday I went in the library and saw a girl who printed papers and trash it in the bin and again she printed and it was about sixteen pages single side. I got pissed off that she is misusing the energy and resources given to us. It’s not only her, there other students who do the same thing.
We all need to work together to overcome this effects. School environments play an important role in the health and academic success of children. We spend 90% of our time indoors and much of that time is spent in school. Unhealthy school environments can affect our health, attendance, concentration and performance, as well as lead to expensive, time-consuming cleanup and remediation activities.
We need to grab a garbage bag and start collecting the waste from our school because the air we breathe is not fresh and causes a lot of health issues like asthma, cough and lung cancer.
We must understand the whole concept of "green". So what do I mean by "green"? It doesn't just mean a color; it also means eco-friendliness and cleanness. "Green" reflects the state of being free from rubbish and being unharmful to the environment. Currently, our school covers a vast area of land filled with trees, and as a result, students gain a lot of benefits from them. Trees have addressed many issues at my school, like the need for fresh air (they take in carbon dioxide and produce oxygen), and they provide the cool shades students enjoy during hot summer days.
We can bring food from home instead of buying junk food from canteen and even though it’s not healthy for one’s life.
Do you know how much recycling can make our environment friendly?
Plastic bottles and aluminium cans can take hundreds of years to decompose, while glass takes around one million years to decompose in landfill.
Making aluminium from recycled aluminium cans takes 95% less energy than using raw materials.
Every recycled soft drink bottle saves enough energy to run a television for an hour and a half.
Our school is currently using the cardboard and paper bin, however, if the entire staff member request for a recycling bin then the council will arrange and make our environment friendly.
Australia is the second highest producer of waste per capita after the United States, sending 18 million tonnes to landfill per annum. This is equivalent to one tonne for every person.
We should use a specials whiteboard to prevent having to print specials each day. We should close all the unnecessary energy equipment and use air-condition on 26 Celsius.
We should create a recycling centre in our class and make a captain of this activity hence this increases the interest of class member in making the environment friendlier.
Make all the students play more sports as less light energy will use and it is good for our health as well.
All the staffs should turn electrical appliances off over the school holidays like ovens when not in use, lights, fridges and freezers.
All the staff should do an energy audit and see how it can save money and electricity. Other classes in our school should take the quiz and compare their results.
If we don’t take an action now, we will be destroyed. Our eco-friendly environment will convert in to an unhygienic environment causing a lot of diseases.
You should take an action for the rights of your students because we spend our half day in school and if we breathe the harmful agents.
Well, let’s take an oath and increase the attendance of our school by making it ecological friendly and reducing the footprint. Please review my ideas and take an action.
Thank you for listening me.
Good morning to all the staff members, this is me Hira Rehman and going to talk about the environmental footprints in our school and how can we solve this issue? I have often wondered how much my environmental actions contribute to bettering the world. However, after taking my first Ecological Footprint quiz, it seems that my standard of living requires 2.84 Earths to sustain the human population, about 1.84 more than I anticipated. The ecological footprint quiz explains these differences, and tries to direct our thinking to change our fundamental ideas of ‘progress’ and a continually growing economy. Personally, I make a daily effort to try to help the environment. I compost, recycle, buy clothes from thrift or consignment stores, purchase organic food, and ride a bike. Even though in school I tried to print less and bring food from home. This what not all students do?
Yesterday I went in the library and saw a girl who printed papers and trash it in the bin and again she printed and it was about sixteen pages single side. I got pissed off that she is misusing the energy and resources given to us. It’s not only her, there other students who do the same thing.
We all need to work together to overcome this effects. School environments play an important role in the health and academic success of children. We spend 90% of our time indoors and much of that time is spent in school. Unhealthy school environments can affect our health, attendance, concentration and performance, as well as lead to expensive, time-consuming cleanup and remediation activities.
We need to grab a garbage bag and start collecting the waste from our school because the air we breathe is not fresh and causes a lot of health issues like asthma, cough and lung cancer.
We must understand the whole concept of "green". So what do I mean by "green"? It doesn't just mean a color; it also means eco-friendliness and cleanness. "Green" reflects the state of being free from rubbish and being unharmful to the environment. Currently, our school covers a vast area of land filled with trees, and as a result, students gain a lot of benefits from them. Trees have addressed many issues at my school, like the need for fresh air (they take in carbon dioxide and produce oxygen), and they provide the cool shades students enjoy during hot summer days.
We can bring food from home instead of buying junk food from canteen and even though it’s not healthy for one’s life.
Do you know how much recycling can make our environment friendly?
Plastic bottles and aluminium cans can take hundreds of years to decompose, while glass takes around one million years to decompose in landfill.
Making aluminium from recycled aluminium cans takes 95% less energy than using raw materials.
Every recycled soft drink bottle saves enough energy to run a television for an hour and a half.
Our school is currently using the cardboard and paper bin, however, if the entire staff member request for a recycling bin then the council will arrange and make our environment friendly.
Australia is the second highest producer of waste per capita after the United States, sending 18 million tonnes to landfill per annum. This is equivalent to one tonne for every person.
We should use a specials whiteboard to prevent having to print specials each day. We should close all the unnecessary energy equipment and use air-condition on 26 Celsius.
We should create a recycling centre in our class and make a captain of this activity hence this increases the interest of class member in making the environment friendlier.
Make all the students play more sports as less light energy will use and it is good for our health as well.
All the staffs should turn electrical appliances off over the school holidays like ovens when not in use, lights, fridges and freezers.
All the staff should do an energy audit and see how it can save money and electricity. Other classes in our school should take the quiz and compare their results.
If we don’t take an action now, we will be destroyed. Our eco-friendly environment will convert in to an unhygienic environment causing a lot of diseases.
You should take an action for the rights of your students because we spend our half day in school and if we breathe the harmful agents.
Well, let’s take an oath and increase the attendance of our school by making it ecological friendly and reducing the footprint. Please review my ideas and take an action.
Thank you for listening me.
So for your areas of feedback:
Engages comprehensively with task, addressing all key terms: It's difficult for me to give feedback here without the task in front of me. That said, you've written a speech which addresses the issue of environmental footprints and suggests avenues to improve the eco-friendliness of your school. If this was the task, then you've definitely addressed it!
Uses the generic convention of a speech coherently and cohesively: You've utilised a number of rhetorical devices in your speech (rhetorical questions particularly), so excellent work there. You have a good introduction, though I think it would be worth laying out your ideas for the speech before you discuss them. Meaning, in that first paragraph, make it clear to the audience exactly what points you will raise. This will make your structure more coherent and make your speech easier to interpret.
Also, be careful here:
This what not all students do?
Yesterday I went in the library and saw a girl who printed papers and trash it in the bin and again she printed and it was about sixteen pages single side. I got pissed off that she is misusing the energy and resources given to us.
Giving a speech is about developing an ethos and character that your audience can relate to and respect, in some form. When you want to point out flaws in your peers' actions, you need to do so delicately, or risk alienating that character. I think your word choice here isn't quite right; it comes across as a little too deprecating. You may wish to re-think that bit :)
Use wide range of vocabulary, grammar and punctuation correctly.
This is where your speech needs the most work; you are not expressing yourself with the correct grammar and syntax; some sentences are missing commas/fullstops and other punctuation, others do not choose the right word for the context.
What I mean is something like this:
This what not all students do? should be Is this not what all students do?
These little syntax errors make it difficult to interpret your ideas at times. Try reading through your speech aloud and see if you can hear areas that might have these sorts of issues. Or get a friend to help. Reading it aloud makes it easier to spot these sorts of things and improve them :)
Best of luck for your speech! If you want some feedback on another draft, hang around the site a bit and rack up your 15 posts!! I'd be happy to pick through it with a fine tooth comb if you do ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on November 15, 2016, 12:57:41 am
I'm currently trying to grasp the idea of voice but I'm having difficulty doing so.
I've attempted a response but I honestly do not think I have addressed the question properly
Spoiler
How does the voice employed by Galarrwuy Yunupingu in ‘Tradition, Truth and Tomorrow’ convey his pride in his Aboriginal Identity and his sense of belonging to his country?
In the article ‘Tradition, Truth and Tomorrow’ by Galarrwuy Yunupingu, the author conveys his pride in his Aboriginal identity and his sense of belonging to his country. Yunupingu utilises tone and diction to enhance the impact of his voice to convey his pride and respect.
Yunupingu effectively uses a confident and respectable tone to enhance the impact of his voice to convey pride in his Aboriginal identity and to his country. The sense of belonging and identity is evidently conveyed in ‘My land is that of the Gumatj clan nation’ through the use of the personal pronoun ‘my’ while accentuated by Yunupingu’s tone of confidence. The use of a personal pronoun crafts a mental image of Yunupingu’s intimacy and position in his clan in the mind of the reader. In addition, the repetition of the inclusive word ‘we’ in ‘We have our own laws’ and ‘We learnt and inherited the knowledge of our fathers and mothers’ conveys a sense of exclusivity of the Aboriginal culture. This sense of exclusivity is further emphasised by Yunupingu’s tone of respect to convey the value of the Aboriginal Identity to underpin Yunupingu's pride and belonging to his country. Hence, Yunupingu’s tone of confidence and respect conveys Yunupingu’s pride and sense of belonging to his country.
The successful use of diction in the article further emphasises Yunupingu’s Aboriginal identity and sense of belong to his country. Throughout the article Yunupingu’s use of ‘I’ and long sentences establishes an assertive tone. Respect and pride is further accentuated by Yunupingu’s use of proper aboriginal names such as ‘Malarrpa’ and ‘Wanguri’. The way the author addresses these ‘great clan nations of the Gove Peninsula’ conveys his respect and illustrates his personal knowledge and understanding of Aboriginal culture. Hence, diction further enhances Yunupingu’s pride towards his Aboriginal identity and respect to his country.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 15, 2016, 03:17:03 pm
Hi I was wondering If i could please get feedback on my practise response please.
I'm currently trying to grasp the idea of voice but I'm having difficulty doing so.
I've attempted a response but I honestly do not think I have addressed the question properly
Spoiler
How does the voice employed by Galarrwuy Yunupingu in ‘Tradition, Truth and Tomorrow’ convey his pride in his Aboriginal Identity and his sense of belonging to his country?
In the article ‘Tradition, Truth and Tomorrow’ by Galarrwuy Yunupingu, the author conveys his pride in his Aboriginal identity and his sense of belonging to his country. Yunupingu utilises tone and diction to enhance the impact of his voice to convey his pride and respect. Good start! How many marks is this response worth? If a separate introduction is needed, you'll need a little more here. What impact does the voice have on the audience? Perhaps some more detail on the themes? If you just need a paragraph, then put these sentences at the start without the gap :)
Yunupingu effectively uses a confident and respectable tone to enhance the impact of his voice to convey pride in his Aboriginal identity and to his country. A bit of a flow on sentence there, to _____ to ______ doesn't quite sit right in the mind. The sense of belonging and identity is evidently conveyed in ‘My land is that of the Gumatj clan nation’ through the use of the personal pronoun ‘my’ while accentuated by Yunupingu’s tone of confidence. Replace 'tone of confidence' with 'confident tone.' Further, try structuring your sentences such that you don't need to quote more than once, for example; "A sense of belonging and identity is evidently conveyed through use of personal pronoun, in "My land is that..." The use of a personal pronoun crafts a mental image of Yunupingu’s intimacy and position in his clan in the mind of the reader. Good. In addition, the repetition of the inclusive word ‘we’ in ‘We have our own laws’ and ‘We learnt and inherited the knowledge of our fathers and mothers’ conveys a sense of exclusivity of the Aboriginal culture. A bit of a backwards argument there; you are saying an inclusive word fosters a sense of exclusion. I know what you mean, but it's a little unclear to the reader, try to explain it just a little bit more? This sense of exclusivity is further emphasised by Yunupingu’s tone of respect to convey the value of the Aboriginal Identity to underpin Yunupingu's pride and belonging to his country. Any quotes that emphasise this? Hence, Yunupingu’s tone of confidence and respect conveys Yunupingu’s pride and sense of belonging to his country.
The successful use of diction in the article further emphasises Yunupingu’s Aboriginal identity and sense of belonging to his country. Throughout the article Yunupingu’s use of ‘I’ and long sentences establishes an assertive tone. A bit more explanation required here; perhaps an example? Respect and pride is further accentuated by Yunupingu’s use of proper aboriginal names such as ‘Malarrpa’ and ‘Wanguri’. Good. The way the author addresses these ‘great clan nations of the Gove Peninsula’ conveys his respect and illustrates his personal knowledge and understanding of Aboriginal culture. Hence, diction further enhances Yunupingu’s pride towards his Aboriginal identity and respect to his country.
In the article ‘Tradition, Truth and Tomorrow’ by Galarrwuy Yunupingu, the author conveys his pride in his Aboriginal identity and his sense of belonging to his country. Yunupingu utilises tone and diction to enhance the impact of his voice to convey his pride and respect. Good start! How many marks is this response worth? If a separate introduction is needed, you'll need a little more here. What impact does the voice have on the audience? Perhaps some more detail on the themes? If you just need a paragraph, then put these sentences at the start without the gap :)
Yunupingu effectively uses a confident and respectable tone to enhance the impact of his voice to convey pride in his Aboriginal identity and to his country. A bit of a flow on sentence there, to _____ to ______ doesn't quite sit right in the mind. The sense of belonging and identity is evidently conveyed in ‘My land is that of the Gumatj clan nation’ through the use of the personal pronoun ‘my’ while accentuated by Yunupingu’s tone of confidence. Replace 'tone of confidence' with 'confident tone.' Further, try structuring your sentences such that you don't need to quote more than once, for example; "A sense of belonging and identity is evidently conveyed through use of personal pronoun, in "My land is that..." The use of a personal pronoun crafts a mental image of Yunupingu’s intimacy and position in his clan in the mind of the reader. Good. In addition, the repetition of the inclusive word ‘we’ in ‘We have our own laws’ and ‘We learnt and inherited the knowledge of our fathers and mothers’ conveys a sense of exclusivity of the Aboriginal culture. A bit of a backwards argument there; you are saying an inclusive word fosters a sense of exclusion. I know what you mean, but it's a little unclear to the reader, try to explain it just a little bit more? This sense of exclusivity is further emphasised by Yunupingu’s tone of respect to convey the value of the Aboriginal Identity to underpin Yunupingu's pride and belonging to his country. Any quotes that emphasise this? Hence, Yunupingu’s tone of confidence and respect conveys Yunupingu’s pride and sense of belonging to his country.
The successful use of diction in the article further emphasises Yunupingu’s Aboriginal identity and sense of belonging to his country. Throughout the article Yunupingu’s use of ‘I’ and long sentences establishes an assertive tone. A bit more explanation required here; perhaps an example? Respect and pride is further accentuated by Yunupingu’s use of proper aboriginal names such as ‘Malarrpa’ and ‘Wanguri’. Good. The way the author addresses these ‘great clan nations of the Gove Peninsula’ conveys his respect and illustrates his personal knowledge and understanding of Aboriginal culture. Hence, diction further enhances Yunupingu’s pride towards his Aboriginal identity and respect to his country.
This is a good start for this response!! You are definitely touching on some excellent ideas, and addressing the idea of voice fairly well. A few pointers:
- Elyse gave you a few more ideas on things to explore; try including some of those!
- Try to look at the impact on the audience a little bit more; How does the voice convey ideas to the audience, you must be talking about what we realise/learn as a result!
- A few areas where expression could be improved ever so slightly, nothing dramatic
- Ensure all your analysis goes to TEA - Technique, Example and Audience Impact.
- A longer introduction is needed as well as a concluding paragraph; make sure your argument is properly introduced AND concluded. In your intro, you may wish to start abstract, say: "Ultimately, it is not just the content of a speech which connects with audiences. Much more important is the voice of the composer, formed by their word choice, _________." To introduce the important of voice to the audience :)
Definitely a great start and you are on the right track, keep working to expand your ideas and introduce some of those suggested by Elyse! :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on November 15, 2016, 05:58:35 pm
I will definitely try to apply the feedback Elyse gave me before coming back 8)
There were no allocated marks for this response. I was wondering if this is case how much would you recommend I should write and what format would you advice I should do?
SpoilerHow does the voice employed by Galarrwuy Yunupingu in ‘Tradition, Truth and Tomorrow’ convey his pride in his Aboriginal Identity and his sense of belonging to his country?
In the article ‘Tradition, Truth and Tomorrow’ by Galarrwuy Yunupingu, the author conveys his pride in his Aboriginal identity and his sense of belonging to his country. Yunupingu utilises tone and diction to enhance the impact of his voice to convey his pride and respect. Good start! How many marks is this response worth? If a separate introduction is needed, you'll need a little more here. What impact does the voice have on the audience? Perhaps some more detail on the themes? If you just need a paragraph, then put these sentences at the start without the gap :)
Yunupingu effectively uses a confident and respectable tone to enhance the impact of his voice to convey pride in his Aboriginal identity and to his country. A bit of a flow on sentence there, to _____ to ______ doesn't quite sit right in the mind. The sense of belonging and identity is evidently conveyed in ‘My land is that of the Gumatj clan nation’ through the use of the personal pronoun ‘my’ while accentuated by Yunupingu’s tone of confidence. Replace 'tone of confidence' with 'confident tone.' Further, try structuring your sentences such that you don't need to quote more than once, for example; "A sense of belonging and identity is evidently conveyed through use of personal pronoun, in "My land is that..." The use of a personal pronoun crafts a mental image of Yunupingu’s intimacy and position in his clan in the mind of the reader. Good. In addition, the repetition of the inclusive word ‘we’ in ‘We have our own laws’ and ‘We learnt and inherited the knowledge of our fathers and mothers’ conveys a sense of exclusivity of the Aboriginal culture. A bit of a backwards argument there; you are saying an inclusive word fosters a sense of exclusion. I know what you mean, but it's a little unclear to the reader, try to explain it just a little bit more? This sense of exclusivity is further emphasised by Yunupingu’s tone of respect to convey the value of the Aboriginal Identity to underpin Yunupingu's pride and belonging to his country. Any quotes that emphasise this? Hence, Yunupingu’s tone of confidence and respect conveys Yunupingu’s pride and sense of belonging to his country.
The successful use of diction in the article further emphasises Yunupingu’s Aboriginal identity and sense of belonging to his country. Throughout the article Yunupingu’s use of ‘I’ and long sentences establishes an assertive tone. A bit more explanation required here; perhaps an example? Respect and pride is further accentuated by Yunupingu’s use of proper aboriginal names such as ‘Malarrpa’ and ‘Wanguri’. Good. The way the author addresses these ‘great clan nations of the Gove Peninsula’ conveys his respect and illustrates his personal knowledge and understanding of Aboriginal culture. Hence, diction further enhances Yunupingu’s pride towards his Aboriginal identity and respect to his country.
This is a good start for this response!! You are definitely touching on some excellent ideas, and addressing the idea of voice fairly well. A few pointers:
- Elyse gave you a few more ideas on things to explore; try including some of those!
- Try to look at the impact on the audience a little bit more; How does the voice convey ideas to the audience, you must be talking about what we realise/learn as a result!
- A few areas where expression could be improved ever so slightly, nothing dramatic
- Ensure all your analysis goes to TEA - Technique, Example and Audience Impact.
- A longer introduction is needed as well as a concluding paragraph; make sure your argument is properly introduced AND concluded. In your intro, you may wish to start abstract, say: "Ultimately, it is not just the content of a speech which connects with audiences. Much more important is the voice of the composer, formed by their word choice, _________." To introduce the important of voice to the audience :)
Definitely a great start and you are on the right track, keep working to expand your ideas and introduce some of those suggested by Elyse! :)
Post by: Yasminpotts1105 on November 17, 2016, 08:13:46 am
I was just wondering if you'd be able to have a look at my essay and let me know if I've answer the question and quote correctly, as I get a bit sidetracked sometimes. Also, my paragraphs were getting a bit long so a lot of them I split into two so I could then just deal with the prescribed text in the first and the related text in the second.
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this, I really do appreciate it. :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on November 17, 2016, 09:49:01 am
Hello :)
I was just wondering if you'd be able to have a look at my essay and let me know if I've answer the question and quote correctly, as I get a bit sidetracked sometimes. Also, my paragraphs were getting a bit long so a lot of them I split into two so I could then just deal with the prescribed text in the first and the related text in the second.
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this, I really do appreciate it. :)
Hey Yasmin! It's a pleasure to read this for you :)
Your essay is in the spoiler below, with my comments throughout in bold font:
Spoiler
“The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.”
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and one related text of your own choosing?
Discovery encompasses uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known. As a thesis statement and as a start to your essay, this isn't going to be impressing a marker, simply because you're just agreeing with the question and not really bringing anything original to the table. So you can imagine that in the HSC with a few thousand students using the same opening line, yours doesn't demand the attention of a marker. Your second sentence is far more like it... An individual can only progress throughout life with determination and willingness to accept discovery, regardless of if it is planned or unexpected. So this was a great thesis statement, but your first sentence let's you down. When you answer the question, bring something original to the debate as well. Rather than just agreeing, pair it with something that you know to be true based on your texts. This link might help you formulate a thesis statement. It is great that you haven't mentioned the texts yet, you've got a good grasp on the idea of a concept based study. Robert Gray’s poem Journey; the North Coast, The Meatworks, North Coast town and Late Ferry is the prescribed text which reproduces the course of uncovering the unknown as well as reconsidering the known. Francis Scott Fitzgerald’s short story Winter Dreams also explores this perspective of discovery. Both texts interrelate with themes, despite very different personas, and demonstrate that discovery largely depends upon exposing the hidden and reassessing supposed certainties. Nice!
When studying texts, the context behind the author’s writings is being considered more often. I don't know that this is a true statement. I think this paragraph would be strongest by opening it with a sentence purely about discovery, and then having a kind of sub-argument about the way context can enhance an audience's understanding of discovery. Remember, we can't just talk about the audience's understanding of the text, it has to be about the audience's understanding of DISCOVERY. The process of discovery is made extremely evident during the character’s series of events but to understand the story on a deeper level, the happenings around the author also play an integral role. Fitzgerald appears to have strong connections with Dexter, themain protagonist of Winter Dreams. After failing twice to publish an early book, and being unsuccessful as a screenwriter, Fitzgerald believed that a successful career as a novelist would gain respect from his loved one and her family. Later in his life, his loved one was institutionalised and his alcoholism grew immensely as his writing intensified with notions of success and romanticism. This social context reflects when Judy asks Dexter “Who are you?” and he replies with “I’m nobody . . . My career is largely a matter of futures.” This reveals his winter dreams of gaining economic acceptance and shows that anything between now and the end point of success is deemed unimportant to him. Although I think this is genuinely really interesting content, it doesn't have a place in a discovery essay like this one. The entire italicised area will not gain you any marks at all, therefore it is words wasted. You're not offering deep analysis in relation to discovery, and that's what we need. Context is a tricky path to follow in AOS - it's far trickier here than in the other modules. The historical context is illustrated by direct address to the audience. For example, “He was one of those young thousands who greeted the war with a certain amount of relief, welcoming the liberation from webs of tangled emotion,” depicts the era while effectively portraying its tumultuous effect on society. Try to avoid "for example" and "the quote shows..." and instead try to embed your quotes wherever possible. This might sound better like, "The author depicts the era while effectively portraying its tumultuous effect on society when he writes, "quote here."
Robert Gray’s North Coast Town begins with “Out beside the highway, first thing in the morning”. This refers to popular protest music of the 60s and reflects how Gray was unhappy with the ‘progression’ of the town, largely influenced by America. Both quotes display how discovery involves movement and travelling places to arrive to a new destination. Gray begins his poem by reconsidering his reality while Dexter moves towards uncovering the glory of an efficacious career. These discoveries are both influenced by the authors’ context. This little bit isn't long enough that I'd suggest splitting it up as the best way to go. I'd actually leave it on the end. And trust me, I did a very similar thing to you here by splitting the paragraphs in my own essay, I totally understand the desire to split them. But, this ending bit is a bit too short to stand on its own, and it actually weakens the link between the two.
The willingness to be ideologically receptive of new experiences dictates the significance that discovery will have on an individual. Human perspective and thought process has a greater chance of advancing if people readily adapt to any change or unforeseen event. Journey: The North Coast shows the potential of self-discovery based on reflection of who we were and what we have become. This free verse poem uses literary techniques such as caesura, enjambment and imagery to create a sense that the destination of discovery is less important than the journey of discovery itself. Listing techniques is usually not the best thing to do, but in this case it could work if you put more work into the "explain" section of this. So, caesura, enjambment and imagery. You've told us that they exist, and that somehow they create discovery as a journey. But, how? How does caesura as a technique create that? I would say caesura is a stylistic technique that emulates the path of discovery...then explain the workings of caesura in the text. Similarly, enjambment allows the text to mirror the journey of discovery through the lack of punctuation, creating a flow on effect in the text that reflects the flow of a discovery journey. This is how we get really deep analysis. “I’ll leave my hair ruffled a bit, stow the books and wash-bag and city clothes.”This quote Gray shows how the persona is rejecting the constrictions of society and the use of imperative verbs proves how his confidence has been rediscovered. He is showing that he is ready to experience this new journey and any event that comes with it.
Dexter, of Winter Dreams, contradicts this openness due to his often unwavering mindset. Use of high modality helps emphasise his emotions and the devastation of his situation. For example, “Succeeding exhilaration came restlessness and dissatisfaction”, leaves the audience understanding Dexter’s dejection as well as his unwillingness to accept further discovery. However, as the alluring Judy returns again Dexter is more open to new experiences. He reconsiders what is known just as the persona in Journey: The North Coast reaches a moment of clarity after uncovering what is hidden.
The process of discovery involving uncovering what is hidden or rediscovering what is known can bring on intense emotions and reflection upon one’s own actions. Environments that stimulate new experiences lead readers and authors to open their minds and prepare themselves more aptly. During Winter Dreams, Dexter recalls distant memories as he listens to a song. This personal discovery arises from “a mood of intense appreciation, a sense that, for once, he was magnificently attune to life and that everything about him was radiating a brightness and a glamour he might never know again.” It makes him believe that bliss can be found in the world and by falling in love with a girl, it may simply be centimetres away from his grasp. This is the kind of length you can have stand on its own :) We do need more from discovery here, specifically in relation to the question :)
Robert Gray’s The Meatworks is anextremely explicit poem and explores the confliction of morals in the workplace through terrifyingly confronting imagery. About half way Too colloquial. through the poem, the setting changes from the revolting abattoir to “the shiny, white-bruising beach, in mauve light, past the town.” Mauve is the colour associated with bruising and it demonstrates how the sudden loneliness hurts the persona as he feels a rush of guilt and inhumanity, all while he is surrounded by unspoiled nature This sentence is a perfect opportunity to talk about symbolism :) . This light clearly displays how he is left tainted, both spiritually and emotionally, after working at the abattoir and leaves the audience questioning their morals and values, inclusive of the ever-lasting confliction of financial or internal benefit. Discovery is a tantalising process and involves uncovering the hidden and reconsidering the known, often bringing about intense emotion or reflection. Nice!
It is not essential that discovery is spectacularly momentous; it can be enduring, inventive or extremely subtle. In different forms of text, discovery can have various impacts on the wide demographic depending on their past experiences and personal context. Late Ferry by Robert Gray is an enthralling poem that allows the audience to evaluate the happenings of certain events even if they aren’t watching. Solitude brings about discovery as people can escape the busyness of everyday life and reconsider their actions. “Ahead, neon redness trembles down in the water, as if into ice, and the longer white lights feel nervously about in the blackness” shows how frightening journey can be and that dangerous waters lie ahead. The connotations of red areautomatically linked with uncertainty and the personification of ‘lights’ extends this thought but also makes the audience consider the need for illumination. Nice! Nature is powerfully restorative during the poem and allows the persona to question his philosophies.
Similarly, Dexter experiences discovery when “the moon held a finger to her lips and the lake became a clear pool.” This welcoming environment automatically has connotations of optimism and the audience feels at peace with Dexter. This subtle change allows for recapturing of thoughts. Both these ideas are reflected with the simile “his heart turned over like the fly-wheel of the boat . . . her casual whim gave a new direction to his life” and illustrates how the previous elusiveness can transform into a more recognisable discovery. Both texts prove that reconsidering and uncovering during the process of discovery does not need to be overtly obvious.
While the audience may often predict the uncovering of a concealment, there are many times where recognition and discovery is unforeseen. This notion conveyed in many stories is reflective of human life and the unexpectedness of future events. In North Coast Town the use of personification, paradox and alliteration illustrate that discovery is not always blatantly obvious. “At this kerb sand crawls by, and palm fronds here scrape dryly” uses personification to show the agonising process of nature struggling through and being destroyed by greed-filled humans. Gray has written this poem as a reaction to the sensory process of memory. It allows the audience to rationalise the happenings around themselves by reacting objectively rather than subjectively, and this can bring about startling moments of discovery. During Winter Dreams, the audience wonders about the outcome of Dexter and Judy’s relationship after the discoveries of her promiscuous behaviour and his determination towards success. The short story concludes with a statement by Dexter, “I cannot care. That thing will come back to me no more.” His response is rather unexpected, due to his previous infatuation with Judy, as her diminishing beauty seems more to him like death. The prescribed text and Winter Dreams produce unexpected twists with the use of literary techniques that further engage the audience. I tend to think that "the use of literary techniques" is a bit of a cop-out in conclusive statements. It doesn't really bring anything specific to the mind of the audience, and that's the aim. We want the marker to be quickly connected back to previous ideas to optimise the cohesiveness of your argument. But when we vaguely talk about "techniques" it doesn't make that connection click.
Humans evolve through the development of logical reasoning and this is stimulated by discovery. Perceptivity is advanced based on the willingness to adapt to situations readily but also open our minds to intense emotions. To do this, a revelation must occur through the means of viewing an aspect for the first time or re-evaluating a previously accepted standard. This perspective on discovery is explored in the prescribed texts of Robert Grey and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Winter Dreams through the use ofliterary techniques and various elements of discovery. Humans must maintain a high level of adaptability as well as a strong belief in self to allow the process of discovery to continue throughout their lifetime and act as a platform for wondrous transformation.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and one related text of your own choosing?
Discovery encompasses uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known. As a thesis statement and as a start to your essay, this isn't going to be impressing a marker, simply because you're just agreeing with the question and not really bringing anything original to the table. So you can imagine that in the HSC with a few thousand students using the same opening line, yours doesn't demand the attention of a marker. Your second sentence is far more like it... An individual can only progress throughout life with determination and willingness to accept discovery, regardless of if it is planned or unexpected. So this was a great thesis statement, but your first sentence let's you down. When you answer the question, bring something original to the debate as well. Rather than just agreeing, pair it with something that you know to be true based on your texts. This link might help you formulate a thesis statement. It is great that you haven't mentioned the texts yet, you've got a good grasp on the idea of a concept based study. Robert Gray’s poem Journey; the North Coast, The Meatworks, North Coast town and Late Ferry is the prescribed text which reproduces the course of uncovering the unknown as well as reconsidering the known. Francis Scott Fitzgerald’s short story Winter Dreams also explores this perspective of discovery. Both texts interrelate with themes, despite very different personas, and demonstrate that discovery largely depends upon exposing the hidden and reassessing supposed certainties. Nice!
When studying texts, the context behind the author’s writings is being considered more often. I don't know that this is a true statement. I think this paragraph would be strongest by opening it with a sentence purely about discovery, and then having a kind of sub-argument about the way context can enhance an audience's understanding of discovery. Remember, we can't just talk about the audience's understanding of the text, it has to be about the audience's understanding of DISCOVERY. The process of discovery is made extremely evident during the character’s series of events but to understand the story on a deeper level, the happenings around the author also play an integral role. Fitzgerald appears to have strong connections with Dexter, the
Robert Gray’s North Coast Town begins with “Out beside the highway, first thing in the morning”. This refers to popular protest music of the 60s and reflects how Gray was unhappy with the ‘progression’ of the town, largely influenced by America. Both quotes display how discovery involves movement and travelling places to arrive to a new destination. Gray begins his poem by reconsidering his reality while Dexter moves towards uncovering the glory of an efficacious career. These discoveries are both influenced by the authors’ context. This little bit isn't long enough that I'd suggest splitting it up as the best way to go. I'd actually leave it on the end. And trust me, I did a very similar thing to you here by splitting the paragraphs in my own essay, I totally understand the desire to split them. But, this ending bit is a bit too short to stand on its own, and it actually weakens the link between the two.
The willingness to be ideologically receptive of new experiences dictates the significance that discovery will have on an individual. Human perspective and thought process has a greater chance of advancing if people readily adapt to any change or unforeseen event. Journey: The North Coast shows the potential of self-discovery based on reflection of who we were and what we have become. This free verse poem uses literary techniques such as caesura, enjambment and imagery to create a sense that the destination of discovery is less important than the journey of discovery itself. Listing techniques is usually not the best thing to do, but in this case it could work if you put more work into the "explain" section of this. So, caesura, enjambment and imagery. You've told us that they exist, and that somehow they create discovery as a journey. But, how? How does caesura as a technique create that? I would say caesura is a stylistic technique that emulates the path of discovery...then explain the workings of caesura in the text. Similarly, enjambment allows the text to mirror the journey of discovery through the lack of punctuation, creating a flow on effect in the text that reflects the flow of a discovery journey. This is how we get really deep analysis. “I’ll leave my hair ruffled a bit, stow the books and wash-bag and city clothes.”
Dexter, of Winter Dreams, contradicts this openness due to his often unwavering mindset. Use of high modality helps emphasise his emotions and the devastation of his situation. For example, “Succeeding exhilaration came restlessness and dissatisfaction”, leaves the audience understanding Dexter’s dejection as well as his unwillingness to accept further discovery. However, as the alluring Judy returns again Dexter is more open to new experiences. He reconsiders what is known just as the persona in Journey: The North Coast reaches a moment of clarity after uncovering what is hidden.
The process of discovery involving uncovering what is hidden or rediscovering what is known can bring on intense emotions and reflection upon one’s own actions. Environments that stimulate new experiences lead readers and authors to open their minds and prepare themselves more aptly. During Winter Dreams, Dexter recalls distant memories as he listens to a song. This personal discovery arises from “a mood of intense appreciation, a sense that, for once, he was magnificently attune to life and that everything about him was radiating a brightness and a glamour he might never know again.” It makes him believe that bliss can be found in the world and by falling in love with a girl, it may simply be centimetres away from his grasp. This is the kind of length you can have stand on its own :) We do need more from discovery here, specifically in relation to the question :)
Robert Gray’s The Meatworks is an
It is not essential that discovery is spectacularly momentous; it can be enduring, inventive or extremely subtle. In different forms of text, discovery can have various impacts on the wide demographic depending on their past experiences and personal context. Late Ferry by Robert Gray is an enthralling poem that allows the audience to evaluate the happenings of certain events even if they aren’t watching. Solitude brings about discovery as people can escape the busyness of everyday life and reconsider their actions. “Ahead, neon redness trembles down in the water, as if into ice, and the longer white lights feel nervously about in the blackness” shows how frightening journey can be and that dangerous waters lie ahead. The connotations of red are
Similarly, Dexter experiences discovery when “the moon held a finger to her lips and the lake became a clear pool.” This welcoming environment automatically has connotations of optimism and the audience feels at peace with Dexter. This subtle change allows for recapturing of thoughts. Both these ideas are reflected with the simile “his heart turned over like the fly-wheel of the boat . . . her casual whim gave a new direction to his life” and illustrates how the previous elusiveness can transform into a more recognisable discovery. Both texts prove that reconsidering and uncovering during the process of discovery does not need to be overtly obvious.
While the audience may often predict the uncovering of a concealment, there are many times where recognition and discovery is unforeseen. This notion conveyed in many stories is reflective of human life and the unexpectedness of future events. In North Coast Town the use of personification, paradox and alliteration illustrate that discovery is not always blatantly obvious. “At this kerb sand crawls by, and palm fronds here scrape dryly” uses personification to show the agonising process of nature struggling through and being destroyed by greed-filled humans. Gray has written this poem as a reaction to the sensory process of memory. It allows the audience to rationalise the happenings around themselves by reacting objectively rather than subjectively, and this can bring about startling moments of discovery. During Winter Dreams, the audience wonders about the outcome of Dexter and Judy’s relationship after the discoveries of her promiscuous behaviour and his determination towards success. The short story concludes with a statement by Dexter, “I cannot care. That thing will come back to me no more.” His response is rather unexpected, due to his previous infatuation with Judy, as her diminishing beauty seems more to him like death. The prescribed text and Winter Dreams produce unexpected twists with the use of literary techniques that further engage the audience. I tend to think that "the use of literary techniques" is a bit of a cop-out in conclusive statements. It doesn't really bring anything specific to the mind of the audience, and that's the aim. We want the marker to be quickly connected back to previous ideas to optimise the cohesiveness of your argument. But when we vaguely talk about "techniques" it doesn't make that connection click.
Humans evolve through the development of logical reasoning and this is stimulated by discovery. Perceptivity is advanced based on the willingness to adapt to situations readily but also open our minds to intense emotions. To do this, a revelation must occur through the means of viewing an aspect for the first time or re-evaluating a previously accepted standard. This perspective on discovery is explored in the prescribed texts of Robert Grey and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Winter Dreams through the use of
At this stage in my own HSC course, I was not at this standard. This is really wonderful! There's surely room for improvement but I'm seriously impressed by how you've put down the foundations for a really, really solid essay. You undoubtedly have a really good grasp on the texts, I don't doubt your knowledge on them for a second. But, this piece is at about 1500 words, and I think you'd be better off cutting it down to 1200 words. In the first body paragraph I suggested the removal of about 100 words, and then from there you need to keep whittling it down until it's really solid. Have a read of this article here - this is how I always thought of whittling down an essay and I think it might help you. Right now, we've got some really strong analysis but it gets watered down when we are side tracked, using vague language, and getting a bit lost in the structure. The tighter we make this analysis, the better off your essay is in terms of quality and length.
Quotes - I've mentioned ways above to try embed these rather than have them as an add on. It definitely takes some playing around with, but once you get there you'll see what I mean by how seamless they can become. The example above I pointed out where you've listed caesura, enjambment and imagery - that's a spot with a lot of potential for great analysis. By piggybacking several techniques and a bomb explanation next to one quote, that's the best case scenario. It shows that you're really unpacking the work!
Discovery/Answering the question - I think that one of the next steps for you is really mapping out how you want to go about discovery. The ideas aren't super clear right now, they get a bit washed out by the text-talk. The better that we pair the analysis and the concepts of discovery, the better. So write out a little plan.
Discovery overall thesis statement:
Discovery idea one:
Discovery idea two:
Discovery idea three:
If you go into the essay with a plan like this, and really set yourself up to follow the structure, then you make it THAT much easier to weave in the essay question when it comes. Right now, the essay question is getting washed out. The first step is having a solid thesis statement that incorporates the question as well as your own understanding, and then topping and tailing your paragraphs with it (making sure the start and end of your paragraphs get tied back to discovery), and then going back and colouring in the essay with discovery. This seems to be the best way to seamlessly embed discovery in essays. But, you do you! Whatever works for you to enhance discovery, that's great.
Ultimately, you should be really pleased with this. It's definitely one of the best essays that I've read this early on in the piece. I'm genuinely really excited to see where you go from here with this essay. Let me know if you have any questions :)
Post by: Yasminpotts1105 on November 17, 2016, 01:31:26 pm
Would a better thesis statement be:
Discovery is an integral factor in the advancement of humans that can act as a both a catalyst and culmination.
Or should I use something that more relates to the texts and is more upbeat?
Post by: elysepopplewell on November 17, 2016, 02:18:39 pm
Thank you so much for all your feedback and comments! I appreciate it greatly and have taken all your advice on board.
Would a better thesis statement be:
Discovery is an integral factor in the advancement of humans that can act as a both a catalyst and culmination.
Or should I use something that more relates to the texts and is more upbeat?
That is actually an incredibly original thesis, I would run with that! It does work well with your texts too, but you'd obviously need to be tweaking your paragraphs to suit the new thesis :) I'm glad you have gained from the feedback! Super happy to hear that.
Post by: Wales on November 18, 2016, 08:45:40 pm
I noticed the above comment stating that I should have 15 posts before asking for feedback and I completely understand if you wish to abide by that rule however if anybody is willing I would love some feedback on a speech I need to give in 2 weeks on Discovery. I will try my best to contribute to the forums in this coming year :)
The speech involves a comparison between my prescribed text (Frank Hurley) and my related (unknown so far). It must be under 4 minutes and any overtime will be penalised. I'm currently writing about my prescribed text and have already exceeded 4 minutes so I'm in pretty deep trouble. Would any of you friendly lads be able to review it and see what is good, bad and which links I've made are strongest to keep in the final essay? I essentially need to cut this current essay in half.
Thanks in advance to those who choose to help :)
Regards, Wales
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 18, 2016, 09:33:46 pm
Hey all, I've been told by my outgoing graduates that this forum is incredibly helpful and from browsing all the written posts both in this forum and the Mathematics it most definitely is.
I noticed the above comment stating that I should have 15 posts before asking for feedback and I completely understand if you wish to abide by that rule however if anybody is willing I would love some feedback on a speech I need to give in 2 weeks on Discovery. I will try my best to contribute to the forums in this coming year :)
The speech involves a comparison between my prescribed text (Frank Hurley) and my related (unknown so far). It must be under 4 minutes and any overtime will be penalised. I'm currently writing about my prescribed text and have already exceeded 4 minutes so I'm in pretty deep trouble. Would any of you friendly lads be able to review it and see what is good, bad and which links I've made are strongest to keep in the final essay? I essentially need to cut this current essay in half.
Thanks in advance to those who choose to help :)
Regards, Wales
Hey Wales! Welcome to the forums!! ;D normally we do have that rule, but we're reasonably quiet right now, so since you sound super keen I'd be happy to lend you a hand! I'll have a quick read of your speech this evening and try and give some general advice on how I'd try and cut it down :) check back in the morning!! ;D
Post by: Wales on November 18, 2016, 11:44:02 pm
Hey Wales! Welcome to the forums!! ;D normally we do have that rule, but we're reasonably quiet right now, so since you sound super keen I'd be happy to lend you a hand! I'll have a quick read of your speech this evening and try and give some general advice on how I'd try and cut it down :) check back in the morning!! ;D
Sweet :) Thank you very much for the help. I'm rather new to all this so thanks for it haha
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 19, 2016, 01:07:58 am
Sweet :) Thank you very much for the help. I'm rather new to all this so thanks for it haha
Not a problem! Okay, so I've popped your speech below. Normally we'd go through and do some proper analysis, but since you're particularly concerned about the length, I'm going to mark some sentences you might want to trim in red! Then check below for some more general comments ;D
Spoiler
Discoveries can be confronting for an individual and act as a catalyst for a meaningful transformative effect.
Discoveries involving the comprehension and overcoming of obstacles allow one to recognise the intrinsic potentials contained within the human psyche and hence breaking the conformities of society through both new or renewing existing perceptions of reality. This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: The Man Who Made History (2004) which illustrates the brilliance and perils of Antarctica and brutality of both World War I and II hence appropriating the reality of these events to a contemporary audience allowing them to explore the concept of discovery and hence broaden their understanding of oneself and the world.
Hurley’s participation in the Shackleton expedition challenged the preconceived assumptions of Antarctica as an unknown desolate and sterile landscape by revealing the continents transcendent force of nature. While many perceive the conditions of Antarctica as terrifying Hurley perceives it as brilliant and opposes the paradigm through his photography depicted in the opening sequence where Hurley is deliberately placed in shot sitting out beyond the bow a to portray a sense of peril and the risks had undergone stimulating new possibilities of adventure and speculates both the fate of Hurley’s self transformation and the voyage. The transcendental nature of discovery is revealed to us through Hurley’s epiphany when he uncovers the true ferocity of nature brought about by the barren landscape of Antarctica when he takes the low angle shot of the ship breaking through the ice where the ship is a symbolic image of humanity conquering the grand demands of nature and the shattered ice is a metaphor for the societal assumptions of Antarctica which had been bypassed. Moreover Nasht presents to us the brutality of the expedition to the audience in a cathartic interview with both of Hurley’s daughters aligning their closeup of mournful expressions and sobbing tone during the remark “how they found a place to camp is beyond me” which contradicted society’s preconceived notion of Antarctica being uninhabitable and barren as well undermining the harshness of nature. Similarly the naming of the ship as “The Endurance” signifies the hardships and experiences they were expecting when they would embark on the journey. The name “Endurance” signifies a need for tolerance and willpower on the journey through the Antarctic, it reaffirms the idea that the expedition was a voyage into the unknown. The Historian’s perspective on the voyage suggests that it was a feat that had never been undertaken through the biblical imagery when he compares it to a mythical narrative only rivaled by the gods. The documentary presents to the audience the interactions between humanity and nature and how the Shackleton expedition transcended the societal constrictions of Antarctica, conveying how discovery can lead to renewed perceptions and expectations of humanity.
The innate curiosity which manifests within the human psyche prompts one’s need for discovery, it cannot be subverted nor abstained from but can be used as a pivotal driving force towards enlightenment. It is this phenomenon that endeavoured Hurley’s ambition to be a photographer for the first World War, resulting in him discovering the perpetual atrocities of war. Hurley had landed in Passchendaele with the intent to publicise the boons of war and give recognition to the soldiers who fought valiantly. Hurley’s innocence is represented in the metaphor “He turned the battlefield into a giant canvas of his making” which alludes to his original conceptualisations of the battlefield however these false ideologies were soon reconciled as the inherent visceral nature of war set in. Hurley’s process of discovering the brutality of the battlefield is described by the narrator “At first, Hurley’s films told a familiar heroic story: Men against the odds. But they began to began to change as the reality of machine guns, mustard gas and mud sank in”, the cumulative listing of the brutalities of war accompanying the archival footage of the battlefield conveys to the reader the process of discovery Hurley had undergone during his stint in wartime photography. Hurley had undergone a emotional and psychological transformation during his time as a wartime photographer. Beginning as an ordinary citizen of Australia deluded with various ideologies forced onto him by propaganda Hurley was oblivious to the savagery of military conflict. Hurley’s ephemeral innocence was reinvigorated when he encountered how meaningless human life could be as it contradicted his pre-conceived societal views on the value of life as shown by Professor Martin’s analysis “ And this is a man who’s just come from the South where human life is precious. People are working together to save human life. And he comes to the first world war and there are bits of human life all over the place. Disregarded, disembodied. There’s a real sense of shock in his diary”. Martin’s corresponding analysis transpires Hurley’s transempirical revelation during his time on the battlefield, it denotes his discovery of the fragility of human life and the psychological.
Discoveries involving the comprehension and overcoming of obstacles allow one to recognise the intrinsic potentials contained within the human psyche and hence breaking the conformities of society through both new or renewing existing perceptions of reality. This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: The Man Who Made History (2004) which illustrates the brilliance and perils of Antarctica and brutality of both World War I and II hence appropriating the reality of these events to a contemporary audience allowing them to explore the concept of discovery and hence broaden their understanding of oneself and the world.
Hurley’s participation in the Shackleton expedition challenged the preconceived assumptions of Antarctica as an unknown desolate and sterile landscape by revealing the continents transcendent force of nature. While many perceive the conditions of Antarctica as terrifying Hurley perceives it as brilliant and opposes the paradigm through his photography depicted in the opening sequence where Hurley is deliberately placed in shot sitting out beyond the bow a to portray a sense of peril and the risks had undergone stimulating new possibilities of adventure and speculates both the fate of Hurley’s self transformation and the voyage. The transcendental nature of discovery is revealed to us through Hurley’s epiphany when he uncovers the true ferocity of nature brought about by the barren landscape of Antarctica when he takes the low angle shot of the ship breaking through the ice where the ship is a symbolic image of humanity conquering the grand demands of nature and the shattered ice is a metaphor for the societal assumptions of Antarctica which had been bypassed. Moreover Nasht presents to us the brutality of the expedition to the audience in a cathartic interview with both of Hurley’s daughters aligning their closeup of mournful expressions and sobbing tone during the remark “how they found a place to camp is beyond me” which contradicted society’s preconceived notion of Antarctica being uninhabitable and barren as well undermining the harshness of nature. Similarly the naming of the ship as “The Endurance” signifies the hardships and experiences they were expecting when they would embark on the journey. The name “Endurance” signifies a need for tolerance and willpower on the journey through the Antarctic, it reaffirms the idea that the expedition was a voyage into the unknown. The Historian’s perspective on the voyage suggests that it was a feat that had never been undertaken through the biblical imagery when he compares it to a mythical narrative only rivaled by the gods. The documentary presents to the audience the interactions between humanity and nature and how the Shackleton expedition transcended the societal constrictions of Antarctica, conveying how discovery can lead to renewed perceptions and expectations of humanity.
The innate curiosity which manifests within the human psyche prompts one’s need for discovery, it cannot be subverted nor abstained from but can be used as a pivotal driving force towards enlightenment. It is this phenomenon that endeavoured Hurley’s ambition to be a photographer for the first World War, resulting in him discovering the perpetual atrocities of war. Hurley had landed in Passchendaele with the intent to publicise the boons of war and give recognition to the soldiers who fought valiantly. Hurley’s innocence is represented in the metaphor “He turned the battlefield into a giant canvas of his making” which alludes to his original conceptualisations of the battlefield however these false ideologies were soon reconciled as the inherent visceral nature of war set in. Hurley’s process of discovering the brutality of the battlefield is described by the narrator “At first, Hurley’s films told a familiar heroic story: Men against the odds. But they began to began to change as the reality of machine guns, mustard gas and mud sank in”, the cumulative listing of the brutalities of war accompanying the archival footage of the battlefield conveys to the reader the process of discovery Hurley had undergone during his stint in wartime photography. Hurley had undergone a emotional and psychological transformation during his time as a wartime photographer. Beginning as an ordinary citizen of Australia deluded with various ideologies forced onto him by propaganda Hurley was oblivious to the savagery of military conflict. Hurley’s ephemeral innocence was reinvigorated when he encountered how meaningless human life could be as it contradicted his pre-conceived societal views on the value of life as shown by Professor Martin’s analysis “ And this is a man who’s just come from the South where human life is precious. People are working together to save human life. And he comes to the first world war and there are bits of human life all over the place. Disregarded, disembodied. There’s a real sense of shock in his diary”. Martin’s corresponding analysis transpires Hurley’s transempirical revelation during his time on the battlefield, it denotes his discovery of the fragility of human life and the psychological.
Comments:
- Your Thesis paragraph has two very long sentences; one of which has some plot detail you can trim. More importantly though, be sure to keep the sentences appropriately divided, give yourself a chance to breathe! You might also want to give some more detail to the concepts you give in the first sentence, it's not quite explained effectively for my case.
- The 'flow on sentence' issue continues in the body of your response. Read through your paragraph, and ONLY breathe when you have a full stop or comma. This sentence:
While many perceive the conditions of Antarctica as terrifying Hurley perceives it as brilliant and opposes the paradigm through his photography depicted in the opening sequence where Hurley is deliberately placed in shot sitting out beyond the bow a to portray a sense of peril and the risks had undergone stimulating new possibilities of adventure and speculates both the fate of Hurley’s self transformation and the voyage
That in one breath? Hardcore! Be sure to give yourself those pauses, it will increase the clarity in your rhetoric.
- Be sure to have examples for every technique. For example: The Historian’s perspective on the voyage suggests that it was a feat that had never been undertaken through the biblical imagery when he compares it to a mythical narrative only rivaled by the gods. You've not given an example of the Biblical Imagery!
- You'll notice that I'm trimming a lot of the more "textual specific detail" from your response; things where you explain what is happening in the text and/or go into detail about the way the technique manifests. This is largely irrelevant. What you need to do more of is talking about how the TECHNIQUE portrays an idea about DISCOVERY to the audience. In your first paragraph, you aren't doing much to link what you are discussing to Discovery. Part of this is the lack of clarity in your opening paragraph, but in general, try and devote some more effort to really saying, "Right, this is the technique, and this is what it is trying to show about Discovery." Keep it simple!
- The start of your second paragraph is much better than the first, because it is conceptual! It focuses on Discovery! Good stuff there, and you do some good things conceptually in that paragraph too. However, a lot of it is about Hurley specifically. The thing to remember with the AoS is that it is a conceptually focused study, you need to abstract yourself from the text as much as possible. What actually happens in the text is completely irrelevant (which is why a lot of your second paragraph went red), it is what it SHOWS about Discovery that is important!
Note: This speech won't work just cutting out the red and continuing on; you'll need to do some reworking!
In all, you definitely have a solid understanding of the texts and some great conceptual ideas. However, you need to do more to bring them out, and work on removing unnecessary, overly text-focused details from your work. This will free up word space to discuss things conceptually, and have room for your Related Text. If you have a sentence just saying what happened to Hurley, think; "Does my class, who have read this book, need me to say this or will they know it already? That's the ultimate test of whether you are putting your arguments into the essay, and not just retelling the text itself ;D
Post by: Wales on November 19, 2016, 09:16:50 pm
You brought up a really good point about taking breaths, I had just tried to read my speech out loud and found myself almost dying due to suffocation. Definitely going to keep it in mind. I feel like I fell too far on the essay portion of the speech rather then considering it as a speech. Would your recommend a intro alike to a speech? eg, Good morning X today i'll be talking about X or better to stick to this form? The notification says "Write it in the form of a essay" so I'm unsure.
Might be a bit too much to ask but do any related texts spring to your mind? I've currently considered Big World, Heart of Darkness, Messenger by Markus Zuzak, The Road Not Taken - Frost and Capitol of the World - Hemingway. I've got a week and a bit so it's a bit unreasonable to find a large novel to read and understand. If nothing comes to mind I may stick to HoD or Big World as we analysed these last term in class however I feel like I may be penalized for choosing a previously studied text (Might come across as taking the easy way out? Maybe..?)
Appreciate the feedback :)
Regards, Wales
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 20, 2016, 12:06:28 am
Thank you very much for the extensive feedback, I feel blessed to have come across this forum :) I've only just got around to editing it so I'll attach it in a few once I'm done.
You brought up a really good point about taking breaths, I had just tried to read my speech out loud and found myself almost dying due to suffocation. Definitely going to keep it in mind. I feel like I fell too far on the essay portion of the speech rather then considering it as a speech. Would your recommend a intro alike to a speech? eg, Good morning X today i'll be talking about X or better to stick to this form? The notification says "Write it in the form of a essay" so I'm unsure.
Might be a bit too much to ask but do any related texts spring to your mind? I've currently considered Big World, Heart of Darkness, Messenger by Markus Zuzak, The Road Not Taken - Frost and Capitol of the World - Hemingway. I've got a week and a bit so it's a bit unreasonable to find a large novel to read and understand. If nothing comes to mind I may stick to HoD or Big World as we analysed these last term in class however I feel like I may be penalized for choosing a previously studied text (Might come across as taking the easy way out? Maybe..?)
Appreciate the feedback :)
Regards, Wales
No problem at all! If your notification asked you to write in the form of an essay, then skip the introductions/pleasantries, just remember that you need to be saying that stuff aloud, to your class. That will have a subtle effect on your sentence length and word choice ;D
Having never done Discovery, I can't speak from experience on a Related, but Elyse is putting together a list of commonly used ones. The Tim Winton stories in the Short Story section may be of particular interest ;D but don't stress, they definitely can't (or at least shouldn't!) mark you down for using a related text you have analysed previously, unless they said not to ;D
Post by: Wales on November 20, 2016, 12:11:19 am
No problem at all! If your notification asked you to write in the form of an essay, then skip the introductions/pleasantries, just remember that you need to be saying that stuff aloud, to your class. That will have a subtle effect on your sentence length and word choice ;D
Having never done Discovery, I can't speak from experience on a Related, but Elyse is putting together a list of commonly used ones. The Tim Winton stories in the Short Story section may be of particular interest ;D but don't stress, they definitely can't (or at least shouldn't!) mark you down for using a related text you have analysed previously, unless they said not to ;D
Thanks :) The intro will probably be extended a bit once I get a related so I'll need to revise that again.
I'll take a look at the related list. Big World by Tim Winton is the only one I've studied and I'll use if I cannot find anything. I just don't want to re-use something in class haha. It should be fine as a backup
Regards, Wales
Post by: Wales on November 20, 2016, 11:56:07 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 21, 2016, 02:23:28 am
I think I'm finally understanding the essence of discovery and how to relate the texts to them. I understand more what you meant by cutting out the redundant retelling of the plot and rather to explain discovery more. It actually shocked me when I read over it again and found the amount of flaws within my speech and the lack of connection between given quotes and discovery. I find it genuinely enjoyable to ponder the emotions Hurley had undergone throughout his journey. I think I may of undergone some spiritual transformation haha :P
Good on you! It's a great feeling when you go back over something and realise how far you've moved forward! ;D
Post by: Wales on November 25, 2016, 06:11:23 pm
So it's been a week and a bit and I think I've finished my essay so far. There are still definitely places where I can fix up I know for sure.
Would you mind taking another look? Length is no longer a concern. How are the links to discovery and my analysis etc?
Thanks, Wales
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 25, 2016, 09:57:40 pm
Hey :)
So it's been a week and a bit and I think I've finished my essay so far. There are still definitely places where I can fix up I know for sure.
Would you mind taking another look? Length is no longer a concern. How are the links to discovery and my analysis etc?
Thanks, Wales
Hey Wales! Great to hear you've been working on it.
I mentioned previously that I waived the essay marking rule for you because it was quiet; well, we are getting busy again, so unfortunately we are now back into the proper rules. You'll need 15 posts on ATAR Notes before we can give you feedback on this one :) full essay marking rules are here for everyones reference btw!
You are only 6 short! If you hang around the site a bit over the weekend then you'll rack them up really quick :)
Post by: Wales on November 26, 2016, 04:44:10 pm
I took a read through the Guidelines you posted, it does truly make me appreciate a community like this. It's genuinely heart warming to see people like you willing to dedicate their time to helping students. I've been active in some forums and it's time to add this to my list :)
I've reevaluated my essay again, I've taken my teachers feedback into consideration albeit was a bit brief, eg; this could be more concise or you can add more here, so on... So it is greatly appreciated that I can get valuable feedback here.
This *should* be my 15th post so Hooray 8) I shall aim to be a active member of this forum from now.
Onwards, so my essay so far. I feel that it is a bit waffley in certain areas, I cannot quite transcribe what I want to express into words there. Some quotes might be integrated poorly from what I think. Length is still a bit of a issue (I'm about 40 seconds over time limit atm) so pointing out where I could cut out would be appreciated. I feel like the way I've linked my texts are a bit weak, it probably isn't too late to change quotes so let me know if that is the case.
Thanks again, Wales ;)
Post by: Happy Physics Land on November 26, 2016, 07:37:06 pm
Thank you very much for the extensive feedback, I feel blessed to have come across this forum :) I've only just got around to editing it so I'll attach it in a few once I'm done.
You brought up a really good point about taking breaths, I had just tried to read my speech out loud and found myself almost dying due to suffocation. Definitely going to keep it in mind. I feel like I fell too far on the essay portion of the speech rather then considering it as a speech. Would your recommend a intro alike to a speech? eg, Good morning X today i'll be talking about X or better to stick to this form? The notification says "Write it in the form of a essay" so I'm unsure.
Might be a bit too much to ask but do any related texts spring to your mind? I've currently considered Big World, Heart of Darkness, Messenger by Markus Zuzak, The Road Not Taken - Frost and Capitol of the World - Hemingway. I've got a week and a bit so it's a bit unreasonable to find a large novel to read and understand. If nothing comes to mind I may stick to HoD or Big World as we analysed these last term in class however I feel like I may be penalized for choosing a previously studied text (Might come across as taking the easy way out? Maybe..?)
Appreciate the feedback :)
Regards, Wales
Wales if you did well with Messenger in year 10 and you enjoyed reading it, use The Messenger because you are more familiar with it.
The Big World is definitely a good one to choose so if you dont like Zusak's Messenger, use The Big World.
I assumed you didnt like HoD so dont use that because you wont enjoy it.
Messenger is a safer choice since you had a read of my essay and know what you have to write.
Post by: Wales on November 26, 2016, 07:53:52 pm
Wales if you did well with Messenger in year 10 and you enjoyed reading it, use The Messenger because you are more familiar with it.
The Big World is definitely a good one to choose so if you dont like Zusak's Messenger, use The Big World.
I assumed you didnt like HoD so dont use that because you wont enjoy it.
Messenger is a safer choice since you had a read of my essay and know what you have to write.
Bit late for that haha, check above. I've just posted my entire essay and I've stuck with The Messenger. Hope you don't mind me borrowing a few quotes :) (explained it myself of course, just thought your quotes fit the theme well)
Re-reading the novel and love it :)
Thanks though,
Post by: Wales on November 28, 2016, 09:54:07 am
Regards, Wales
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 28, 2016, 09:57:39 am
Not to rush anyone but I need to finalise the speech by tomorrow. Would you be able to give some feedback asap? If it's too busy around here it's okay but it would be greatly appreciated :)
Regards, Wales
My plan was today ;D sorry! I needed the weekend to take care of some other business, but you'll definitely have some feedback today to work with tonight :)
Post by: Wales on November 28, 2016, 11:24:41 am
My plan was today ;D sorry! I needed the weekend to take care of some other business, but you'll definitely have some feedback today to work with tonight :)
Aha sorry. Yeah that's fine. Anytime tonight is fine :) thanks
Regards, Wales
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 28, 2016, 12:23:40 pm
Aha sorry. Yeah that's fine. Anytime tonight is fine :) thanks
Regards, Wales
I normally wouldn't do the feedback in a Word document, but I was working offline for a bit, so your comments are in the attachment to this post (let me know if they don't show up) ;D
Best of luck with the speech tomorrow! Remember, what you've written is only half the battle, present it convincingly! ;D
Post by: Wales on November 29, 2016, 12:56:55 pm
I normally wouldn't do the feedback in a Word document, but I was working offline for a bit, so your comments are in the attachment to this post (let me know if they don't show up) ;D
Best of luck with the speech tomorrow! Remember, what you've written is only half the battle, present it convincingly! ;D
Just finished reading and fixing up some things in the speech.
I'll be honest, after seeing your criticisms I felt a bit disheartened to see that my work had so many flaws. None of which my teacher or any other people have pointed out. However I do want to thank you because I most definitely would rather the disheartened feelings of dissatisfaction to be felt during the draft phase :P I'm going to put my best effort into taking all your criticisms into effect and perfecting the essay to the best of my ability. I feel that my evidence for The Messenger was definitely a bit weak so I've gone back and found some better pieces with better techniques and so forth. Onto the cutting process now, time to slim down the essay and eradicate redundant language.
I do find it a bit hard to cut down without removing affecting the sophistication of the essay. I may need to end up taking out an entire chunk of analysis as well as the speech goes beyond 5 mins while 4 is the absolute maximum.
As a whole though, thanks for the extensive feedback :) Miles beyond what my teachers have give me combined.
Regards, Wales
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 29, 2016, 02:14:20 pm
I'll be honest, after seeing your criticisms I felt a bit disheartened to see that my work had so many flaws. None of which my teacher or any other people have pointed out. However I do want to thank you because I most definitely would rather the disheartened feelings of dissatisfaction to be felt during the draft phase :P I'm going to put my best effort into taking all your criticisms into effect and perfecting the essay to the best of my ability. I feel that my evidence for The Messenger was definitely a bit weak so I've gone back and found some better pieces with better techniques and so forth. Onto the cutting process now, time to slim down the essay and eradicate redundant language.
Don't be disheartened! Once you've been around the site for a bit, you'll come to know I'm the harsh marker. Often the marks I assign to essays (when I'm asked to give one) are a couple of points below what are granted by a teacher for the same essay. I'd much prefer to rip an essay to shreds now so that it is really effective when it counts :) as I said, you did a lot of things right, it's all about polish! :) best of luck with it! Of course, come back with later drafts for more feedback if you want to! :)
Post by: Wales on November 29, 2016, 02:19:59 pm
Don't be disheartened! Once you've been around the site for a bit, you'll come to know I'm the harsh marker. Often the marks I assign to essays (when I'm asked to give one) are a couple of points below what are granted by a teacher for the same essay. I'd much prefer to rip an essay to shreds now so that it is really effective when it counts :) as I said, you did a lot of things right, it's all about polish! :) best of luck with it! Of course, come back with later drafts for more feedback if you want to! :)
It'll be hard but I can 100% see the good side of it :) I prefer how you rip an essay to shreds, analyse each flaw and point out any imperfections. I'm going to probably focus on Legal tonight cause it's tomorrow but will definitely polish the speech up til it's proud and presentable :) Thankfully we're not marked on eye contact too much etc so I don't need to rehearse it but given that I already know most of it off by heart because it's been my life for the past weeks haha.
Anyway, thank you very much for the help :) I might pop back for a few questions if that's okay.
Regards, Wales
Post by: Wales on December 01, 2016, 12:05:49 am
Funny thing though, I was 1000 characters over my friend who's essay was 100 words larger then mine haha.
Anyway, Thanks for all the help for the past weeks :) I'll be lurking around here still and pop back when my next exams etc are occurring or if I have an essay I need help with :P
Regards, Wales
Post by: jamonwindeyer on December 01, 2016, 01:08:30 am
It's just occurred to me how annoying going over the time limit is... Now that I look back on it my original 2 paragraphs was around 800 words. The one you marked for me a week or so back. Now my entire speech is down to 700. It was a pain though, I've had to reduce a lot of sophisticated language where it was unnecessary out :( Even still I'm 20 seconds overtime...
Funny thing though, I was 1000 characters over my friend who's essay was 100 words larger then mine haha.
Anyway, Thanks for all the help for the past weeks :) I'll be lurking around here still and pop back when my next exams etc are occurring or if I have an essay I need help with :P
Regards, Wales
It takes just as long to write an assignment as it does to then edit it to get it below the time/word limit ;)
No worries at all! ;D feel free to ask a question any time!
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 13, 2017, 08:17:04 pm
I was hoping to get my practice response to this question marked.
Spoiler
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 15, 2017, 12:04:31 am
Hi :)
I was hoping to get my practice response to this question marked.
Sure thing! It's attached below:
Response
Q1. Explain how the writer of Text 1 provides a voice for mothers parenting teenage girls.
‘Text 1’ by Rachel Cusk utilizes a range of textual conventions to convey how mothers of teenage girls have no voice; evident in the disdainful mistreatment by the character’s own child. Be careful - This doesn't quite match the question. You need to explain how the voice is provided - Saying they have no voice isn't quite doing what the question asks. Cusk’s ‘Text 1’ utilizes the first person plural ‘I’ and ‘My’ throughout the article to accentuate the personal tone and emotive appeal of sympathy to the reader. Good! But what does this sympathy do? Try to link it to voice! The mother is ostracised by her daughter’s friends, ‘They are silent; they look shiftily to the side. As though I am invisible’, and clearly treated a nuisance. Retell. This incident contrasts with how mothers ‘maintain control’ in teaching children when they are young. Retell - You are describing aspects of the text. Cusk’s use of contrasts illustrates how the powerful persona ‘I am mother you are children’ diminishes while her child’s progressive disrespect simultaneously increases. The teenage girls dialogue of conversation emphasises the blunt and condescending tone evident in the negative repetitive connotation of ‘she’ with ‘a lot of contempt’ about ‘their mothers’ as though they are irritant nuisances. The use of quotes in those last two sentences seems a bit off - In this sentence, try not to pick so many little snippets of the quote. It ruins the integrity of it - You need to take one big longer section. The teenage girls degrade their mothers ‘I just text her and she comes all the way across town with it. She’s so like - pathetic’ portraying disrespect shown towards the things mothers do for their children. Technique? Don't let the quote do the work for you. This is reinforced in how the mother assumes her role as a ‘servant’ who is assigned to ‘‘tidy up’ the ‘scene of devastation’ left behind by the teenagers. Technique? The vivid imagery crafted by descriptive language ‘The kitchen is strewn with dirty plates and half-eaten food and empty wrappers; a swamp of wet towels’ accentuates the extent mothers are exploited by their children. Excellent! How does this create a voice? Hence, textual conventions emphasise how mothers no voice and are disrespected by the very teenagers they raised with love.
‘Text 1’ by Rachel Cusk utilizes a range of textual conventions to convey how mothers of teenage girls have no voice; evident in the disdainful mistreatment by the character’s own child. Be careful - This doesn't quite match the question. You need to explain how the voice is provided - Saying they have no voice isn't quite doing what the question asks. Cusk’s ‘Text 1’ utilizes the first person plural ‘I’ and ‘My’ throughout the article to accentuate the personal tone and emotive appeal of sympathy to the reader. Good! But what does this sympathy do? Try to link it to voice! The mother is ostracised by her daughter’s friends, ‘They are silent; they look shiftily to the side. As though I am invisible’, and clearly treated a nuisance. Retell. This incident contrasts with how mothers ‘maintain control’ in teaching children when they are young. Retell - You are describing aspects of the text. Cusk’s use of contrasts illustrates how the powerful persona ‘I am mother you are children’ diminishes while her child’s progressive disrespect simultaneously increases. The teenage girls dialogue of conversation emphasises the blunt and condescending tone evident in the negative repetitive connotation of ‘she’ with ‘a lot of contempt’ about ‘their mothers’ as though they are irritant nuisances. The use of quotes in those last two sentences seems a bit off - In this sentence, try not to pick so many little snippets of the quote. It ruins the integrity of it - You need to take one big longer section. The teenage girls degrade their mothers ‘I just text her and she comes all the way across town with it. She’s so like - pathetic’ portraying disrespect shown towards the things mothers do for their children. Technique? Don't let the quote do the work for you. This is reinforced in how the mother assumes her role as a ‘servant’ who is assigned to ‘‘tidy up’ the ‘scene of devastation’ left behind by the teenagers. Technique? The vivid imagery crafted by descriptive language ‘The kitchen is strewn with dirty plates and half-eaten food and empty wrappers; a swamp of wet towels’ accentuates the extent mothers are exploited by their children. Excellent! How does this create a voice? Hence, textual conventions emphasise how mothers no voice and are disrespected by the very teenagers they raised with love.
Good work! I think you've got some great analysis in here! That said, I don't think you are answering the question super effectively. The word 'voice' isn't mentioned beyond the first and last sentences - This demonstrates that you've not really been answering the question directly. The analysis and the question aren't brought together nicely. Also be careful of textual retell - There are parts of that response where you are just restating plot elements/describing characters without techniques and/or without linking to the idea of 'voice.' :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 15, 2017, 01:04:41 am
Sure thing! It's attached below:ResponseQ1. Explain how the writer of Text 1 provides a voice for mothers parenting teenage girls.
‘Text 1’ by Rachel Cusk utilizes a range of textual conventions to convey how mothers of teenage girls have no voice; evident in the disdainful mistreatment by the character’s own child. Be careful - This doesn't quite match the question. You need to explain how the voice is provided - Saying they have no voice isn't quite doing what the question asks. Cusk’s ‘Text 1’ utilizes the first person plural ‘I’ and ‘My’ throughout the article to accentuate the personal tone and emotive appeal of sympathy to the reader. Good! But what does this sympathy do? Try to link it to voice! The mother is ostracised by her daughter’s friends, ‘They are silent; they look shiftily to the side. As though I am invisible’, and clearly treated a nuisance. Retell. This incident contrasts with how mothers ‘maintain control’ in teaching children when they are young. Retell - You are describing aspects of the text. Cusk’s use of contrasts illustrates how the powerful persona ‘I am mother you are children’ diminishes while her child’s progressive disrespect simultaneously increases. The teenage girls dialogue of conversation emphasises the blunt and condescending tone evident in the negative repetitive connotation of ‘she’ with ‘a lot of contempt’ about ‘their mothers’ as though they are irritant nuisances. The use of quotes in those last two sentences seems a bit off - In this sentence, try not to pick so many little snippets of the quote. It ruins the integrity of it - You need to take one big longer section. The teenage girls degrade their mothers ‘I just text her and she comes all the way across town with it. She’s so like - pathetic’ portraying disrespect shown towards the things mothers do for their children. Technique? Don't let the quote do the work for you. This is reinforced in how the mother assumes her role as a ‘servant’ who is assigned to ‘‘tidy up’ the ‘scene of devastation’ left behind by the teenagers. Technique? The vivid imagery crafted by descriptive language ‘The kitchen is strewn with dirty plates and half-eaten food and empty wrappers; a swamp of wet towels’ accentuates the extent mothers are exploited by their children. Excellent! How does this create a voice? Hence, textual conventions emphasise how mothers no voice and are disrespected by the very teenagers they raised with love.
Good work! I think you've got some great analysis in here! That said, I don't think you are answering the question super effectively. The word 'voice' isn't mentioned beyond the first and last sentences - This demonstrates that you've not really been answering the question directly. The analysis and the question aren't brought together nicely. Also be careful of textual retell - There are parts of that response where you are just restating plot elements/describing characters without techniques and/or without linking to the idea of 'voice.' :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 15, 2017, 04:00:44 pm
Thank you for your feedback jamon I really appreciate it. I will be back after I edit it :)
Not a problem at all!! Happy to help, looking forward to it ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 15, 2017, 07:02:34 pm
Not a problem at all!! Happy to help, looking forward to it ;D
I have edited my response hopefully I am addressing the question properly this time :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 15, 2017, 09:25:31 pm
I have edited my response hopefully I am addressing the question properly this time :)
Let's take a look!
Response
Q1. Explain how the writer of Text 1 provides a voice for mothers parenting teenage girls.
In ‘Text 1’ by Rachel Cusk, the author uses diction, tone and first person narration to provide a voice for a mother who struggles to parent her teenage daughter. This first sentence is loads better - Already, you have addressed the question far more effectively than you did in the previous response. Cusk’s use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends. The impact of crafting a tone of defeat and helplessness along with the use of the first person plural ‘I’ and ‘My’ allows Cusk to accentuate the personal tone and emotive appeal of sympathy by focusing on the disrespect and mistreatment endured by the mother. Great analysis - Try to talk a bit about the effect on the audience here too, ultimately this voice that is being constructed is talking TOO someone! In addition, the use of vivid imagery crafted by descriptive language ‘The kitchen is strewn with dirty plates and half-eaten food and empty wrappers; a swamp of wet towels’ accentuates sympathy towards the extent mothers are exploited by their children. This enables Cusk to further enhances the mother’s voice ‘Text 1’ as one of defeat and helplessness by how the mother is assigned the role of a ‘servant’ who is assigned to ‘‘tidy up’ the ‘scene of devastation’ left behind by the teenagers. Nice integration of the text into your ideas here. Hence, Rachel Cusk’s effectively uses a range of textual conventions to craft the helpless and defeated voice of a mother mistreated in her own home by her own daughter and her friends. Awesome!
In ‘Text 1’ by Rachel Cusk, the author uses diction, tone and first person narration to provide a voice for a mother who struggles to parent her teenage daughter. This first sentence is loads better - Already, you have addressed the question far more effectively than you did in the previous response. Cusk’s use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends. The impact of crafting a tone of defeat and helplessness along with the use of the first person plural ‘I’ and ‘My’ allows Cusk to accentuate the personal tone and emotive appeal of sympathy by focusing on the disrespect and mistreatment endured by the mother. Great analysis - Try to talk a bit about the effect on the audience here too, ultimately this voice that is being constructed is talking TOO someone! In addition, the use of vivid imagery crafted by descriptive language ‘The kitchen is strewn with dirty plates and half-eaten food and empty wrappers; a swamp of wet towels’ accentuates sympathy towards the extent mothers are exploited by their children. This enables Cusk to further enhances the mother’s voice ‘Text 1’ as one of defeat and helplessness by how the mother is assigned the role of a ‘servant’ who is assigned to ‘‘tidy up’ the ‘scene of devastation’ left behind by the teenagers. Nice integration of the text into your ideas here. Hence, Rachel Cusk’s effectively uses a range of textual conventions to craft the helpless and defeated voice of a mother mistreated in her own home by her own daughter and her friends. Awesome!
Yep, this is loads better, well done! I'd say from here that you should work on addressing the audience just a little bit more, talking about the creation of a voice for the audience. But you've done really well here, great work! ;D
Post by: Aaron12038488 on January 16, 2017, 10:37:20 am
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 16, 2017, 11:03:49 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 16, 2017, 11:24:43 am
Just wondering, in future, if I post an essay and you mark my essay and give feedback. Will my school teachers be able to count this is as plagiarism. I know its badly worded, but if you know what I mean please let me know.
I do! Plagiarism is defined as you using the work of another as your own without reference. This is not that - It is having someone give you some broad feedback on how your work can be improved. We'll never actually write your essay for you :)
We marked essays in NSW all of last year, with no plagiarism issues ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 16, 2017, 11:26:26 am
Thank you for your feedback :D
I was also wondering would the length of my response be okay? It is worth 10 marks
I was also wondering for the audience aspect would you pinpoint the effect of voice on a certain group such as adults?
'Ultimately the voice that is created motivates the audience(mothers?) to feel appalled towards the behaviour of the teenage daughter by engaging with the audience(other mothers?) on a personal level.'
I'm not sure how marks line up for WACE - A 10 mark response in the HSC I'd expect to see multiple pages. Best to ask your teacher on that one :)
You can definitely explore the effect of the voice on specific audiences - It isn't mandatory, but it does work really well when you did it ;D
Post by: Rathin on January 16, 2017, 11:56:07 am
I do! Plagiarism is defined as you using the work of another as your own without reference. This is not that - It is having someone give you some broad feedback on how your work can be improved. We'll never actually write your essay for you :)
We marked essays in NSW all of last year, with no plagiarism issues ;D
What happens if you post your Essay here and you school finds it on this website..assuming its an assessment task. How would you reason for this essay being your own work if your username is not the same as your real name?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 16, 2017, 12:09:00 pm
What happens if you post your Essay here and you school finds it on this website..assuming its an assessment task. How would you reason for this essay being your own work if your username is not the same as your real name?
Although not publicly visible, we also store your real name, and you may be using your school email address. Either way (assuming you aren't providing fake details on sign up), there is proof that it is you who posted the essay, and that could be presented if something were to come up :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 16, 2017, 06:10:51 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 16, 2017, 11:02:56 pm
Thank you for your feedback :D I've tried to write another practise response. Could I please get feedback on it as well? :)
Sure! ;D
Response
Q2. Identify three codes and/or conventions used in Text 2 and explain how these shape social perceptions of motherhood.
The print advertisement ‘Text 2’ for an advertising campaign utilizes a combination of conventions such as composition, body language and the technical convention of lighting to shape the social perceptions of motherhood.What social perceptions have been shaped? This isn't really providing your interpretation of the question. The effective combination of these techniques allows the advertisement to craft an image that echoes the social perception that a mother’s life revolves solely around their child. THIS should be blended with that first sentence to create a more well rounded introductory sentence. By placing the child in the central portion of the advertisement, the composition highlights how children are the focus and main priority of mothers. Good! You could say the child is the 'salient image.' The importance of the mother in ‘Text 2’ is further questioned by the placement of half of her body out of the frame to imply that her presence is not necessary and ultimately overshadowed. This effective placement of the two characters in ‘Text 2’ is further emphasised by how dim shadows are placed on the mother to imply that she is in the dark whilst the child is placed under bright lighting as the centre of attention. You could express this a little better - Try nominalisation, "the dim placement of shadows on the mother" in place of what you have written. This turns the verb into a noun and makes things a little more streamlined. Ultimately, the contrast created through the use of lighting directs the attention of the audience towards the child while simultaneously conveysing how a mother’s life revolves around her child. In addition, the way the mother’s gaze is focused directly at her child and her body language further enhances the importance of her child in her eyes. Use the term 'vector lines' here. These codes and conventions used in ‘Text 2’ work collaboratively to shape the social perception of motherhood that children are the main focus and priority of mothers.
The print advertisement ‘Text 2’ for an advertising campaign utilizes a combination of conventions such as composition, body language and the technical convention of lighting to shape the social perceptions of motherhood.What social perceptions have been shaped? This isn't really providing your interpretation of the question. The effective combination of these techniques allows the advertisement to craft an image that echoes the social perception that a mother’s life revolves solely around their child. THIS should be blended with that first sentence to create a more well rounded introductory sentence. By placing the child in the central portion of the advertisement, the composition highlights how children are the focus and main priority of mothers. Good! You could say the child is the 'salient image.' The importance of the mother in ‘Text 2’ is further questioned by the placement of half of her body out of the frame to imply that her presence is not necessary and ultimately overshadowed. This effective placement of the two characters in ‘Text 2’ is further emphasised by how dim shadows are placed on the mother to imply that she is in the dark whilst the child is placed under bright lighting as the centre of attention. You could express this a little better - Try nominalisation, "the dim placement of shadows on the mother" in place of what you have written. This turns the verb into a noun and makes things a little more streamlined. Ultimately, the contrast created through the use of lighting directs the attention of the audience towards the child while simultaneously convey
I think this response is effective! I do think that you could trim words and add more ideas though - Really you only talked about three techniques here. Placement, lighting and vector lines. Right now you are taking five sentences to do this - You could get it down to three or four. Basically, it seems like you are spending more time than you need to discussing a single textual reference. You could make your response more powerful by streamlining your response and having one textual reference per sentence. One sentence on how the placement affects our social perception. One sentence on lighting. Etc ;D
Beyond that, ensure you are really smashing home this idea of how perceptions are altered - This will require a lot of reference to your audience ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 16, 2017, 11:15:00 pm
Thank you for your feedback I really appreciate it :)
Sure! ;DResponseQ2. Identify three codes and/or conventions used in Text 2 and explain how these shape social perceptions of motherhood.
The print advertisement ‘Text 2’ for an advertising campaign utilizes a combination of conventions such as composition, body language and the technical convention of lighting to shape the social perceptions of motherhood.What social perceptions have been shaped? This isn't really providing your interpretation of the question. The effective combination of these techniques allows the advertisement to craft an image that echoes the social perception that a mother’s life revolves solely around their child. THIS should be blended with that first sentence to create a more well rounded introductory sentence. By placing the child in the central portion of the advertisement, the composition highlights how children are the focus and main priority of mothers. Good! You could say the child is the 'salient image.' The importance of the mother in ‘Text 2’ is further questioned by the placement of half of her body out of the frame to imply that her presence is not necessary and ultimately overshadowed. This effective placement of the two characters in ‘Text 2’ is further emphasised by how dim shadows are placed on the mother to imply that she is in the dark whilst the child is placed under bright lighting as the centre of attention. You could express this a little better - Try nominalisation, "the dim placement of shadows on the mother" in place of what you have written. This turns the verb into a noun and makes things a little more streamlined. Ultimately, the contrast created through the use of lighting directs the attention of the audience towards the child while simultaneously conveysing how a mother’s life revolves around her child. In addition, the way the mother’s gaze is focused directly at her child and her body language further enhances the importance of her child in her eyes. Use the term 'vector lines' here. These codes and conventions used in ‘Text 2’ work collaboratively to shape the social perception of motherhood that children are the main focus and priority of mothers.
I think this response is effective! I do think that you could trim words and add more ideas though - Really you only talked about three techniques here. Placement, lighting and vector lines. Right now you are taking five sentences to do this - You could get it down to three or four. Basically, it seems like you are spending more time than you need to discussing a single textual reference. You could make your response more powerful by streamlining your response and having one textual reference per sentence. One sentence on how the placement affects our social perception. One sentence on lighting. Etc ;D
Beyond that, ensure you are really smashing home this idea of how perceptions are altered - This will require a lot of reference to your audience ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 18, 2017, 06:00:55 pm
Response
I was a bit unsure how to 'smash home this idea of how perceptions are altered'
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 19, 2017, 02:19:33 pm
I edited my response to question 2. Hopefully it is better :)
Let's see! :)
Response
Q2. Identify three codes and/or conventions used in Text 2 and explain how these shape social perceptions of motherhood.
The print advertisement ‘Text 2’ for an advertising campaign utilizes a combination of conventions such as composition, body language and the technical convention of lighting to shape the social perception that a mother’s life revolves solely around her child. Good starting sentence - Identifies the techniques and explains the perception of motherhood they create. The salient image of the child in the central portion of the advertisement captures the attention of the audience to accentuate the perception that children should be the focus and main priority of mothers. Great. In addition, the dim placement of shadows on the mother and the inclusion of a minor portion of her body in the advertisement enhances the feeling of being unappreciated to the audience despite the love and attention mothers give to their children. Furthermore, the author’s use of contrasting lighting directs attention from the audience to reinforce the perception that children are important while mothers are overshadowed and deemed secondary. Excellent. The author’s use of vector lines encourages the audience to follow the mother’s gaze and body language to the salient image of the child to emphasise that a mother’s life revolves around providing for her child. These codes and conventions used in ‘Text 2’ work collaboratively to shape the social perception of motherhood that children are the main focus and priority of mothers.
The print advertisement ‘Text 2’ for an advertising campaign utilizes a combination of conventions such as composition, body language and the technical convention of lighting to shape the social perception that a mother’s life revolves solely around her child. Good starting sentence - Identifies the techniques and explains the perception of motherhood they create. The salient image of the child in the central portion of the advertisement captures the attention of the audience to accentuate the perception that children should be the focus and main priority of mothers. Great. In addition, the dim placement of shadows on the mother and the inclusion of a minor portion of her body in the advertisement enhances the feeling of being unappreciated to the audience despite the love and attention mothers give to their children. Furthermore, the author’s use of contrasting lighting directs attention from the audience to reinforce the perception that children are important while mothers are overshadowed and deemed secondary. Excellent. The author’s use of vector lines encourages the audience to follow the mother’s gaze and body language to the salient image of the child to emphasise that a mother’s life revolves around providing for her child. These codes and conventions used in ‘Text 2’ work collaboratively to shape the social perception of motherhood that children are the main focus and priority of mothers.
Yep, that's excellent. No comments there at all, I think it works wonderfully :) it seems like you are going down a bit of a road that this focus on the children is damaging to the mother, you could explore that a bit more if you wanted to! :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 20, 2017, 12:54:42 am
I was wondering for this response you mentioned that I should address the audience a bit more and talk about the creation of a voice for the audience. But I wasn't sure how to do that :-\
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 20, 2017, 05:55:09 pm
thank you :D
I was wondering for this response you mentioned that I should address the audience a bit more and talk about the creation of a voice for the audience. But I wasn't sure how to do that :-\
Sure! So basically it is a matter of extending your analysis to explore not just what the composer is showing, but what the audience gets from them showing that. So here:
The use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends.
So that bit in red is you saying what the composer has communicated through their use of technique. Extending to the audience would be acknowledging what this teaches us. You can tell you haven't done that yet because the bit in red is text specific - It mentions characters in the text. Exploring audience impact would be purely conceptual - "thus showing the audience the effects of filial attachment" or something like that.
This doesn't need to be in every sentence. But for super effective analysis, it should appear semi-frequently to show the marker that you acknowledge the fact that your composer is communicating to their audience. It has an effect on the reader - And you need to explore that :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 20, 2017, 09:15:57 pm
Would something like this be correct?
The use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends.
The author's use of diction positions the audience to feel sympathy by showing the audience that a mother's love is unconditionally devoted to their child.
I was also wondering for some of my responses I tend to use the same sentence starter multiple times (like above).
Would it be better to use a range of different sentence starters? If so how could you do this? I feel limited to using words like 'The' and 'in'
Sure! So basically it is a matter of extending your analysis to explore not just what the composer is showing, but what the audience gets from them showing that. So here:
The use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends.
So that bit in red is you saying what the composer has communicated through their use of technique. Extending to the audience would be acknowledging what this teaches us. You can tell you haven't done that yet because the bit in red is text specific - It mentions characters in the text. Exploring audience impact would be purely conceptual - "thus showing the audience the effects of filial attachment" or something like that.
This doesn't need to be in every sentence. But for super effective analysis, it should appear semi-frequently to show the marker that you acknowledge the fact that your composer is communicating to their audience. It has an effect on the reader - And you need to explore that :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 20, 2017, 11:41:41 pm
Oh okay that makes sense :D
Would something like this be correct?
The use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends.
The author's use of diction positions the audience to feel sympathy by showing the audience that a mother's love is unconditionally devoted to their child.
I was also wondering for some of my responses I tend to use the same sentence starter multiple times (like above).
Would it be better to use a range of different sentence starters? If so how could you do this? I feel limited to using words like 'The' and 'in'
Yep, that is exactly the idea! :)
So yes, it is definitely a little better to have a bit of variety in your sentences. A response that is just, "The author ________. The author _______.", that gets old quick. A little tiring for the reader.
That said, I don't think you have an issue with it. You aren't using repetitive openers - The words 'the,' 'this,' - Those sort of words, they inevitably show up at the start of sentences a lot. It's only when you start using them literally 3 or 4 times in a row, or overuse phrase patterns like "the authors use of ______" that it becomes problematic. I don't think you have that problem in my opinion :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 21, 2017, 01:34:11 am
I have another quick question when you explore the effect on the audience how much would you need to talk about? (briefly or more in depth)
Does it depend on the question? if so how could you expand on the effect on the audience?
Yep, that is exactly the idea! :)
So yes, it is definitely a little better to have a bit of variety in your sentences. A response that is just, "The author ________. The author _______.", that gets old quick. A little tiring for the reader.
That said, I don't think you have an issue with it. You aren't using repetitive openers - The words 'the,' 'this,' - Those sort of words, they inevitably show up at the start of sentences a lot. It's only when you start using them literally 3 or 4 times in a row, or overuse phrase patterns like "the authors use of ______" that it becomes problematic. I don't think you have that problem in my opinion :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 21, 2017, 10:14:27 am
I understand now :)
I have another quick question when you explore the effect on the audience how much would you need to talk about? (briefly or more in depth)
Does it depend on the question? if so how could you expand on the effect on the audience?
It definitely depends on the question - But it should always make an appearance! It's important to acknowledge the fact that your text is read by an audience.
The effect on the audience is mainly focused on how their understanding of some theme/concept is altered. However, this can be extended to things like emotional responses, contextual significance - Pretty much any impact you like :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 22, 2017, 08:16:18 pm
I've been working on question 3 and was hoping that I could get feedback on it please
Response
Post by: elysepopplewell on January 24, 2017, 05:25:21 pm
I understand now :D thank you for your help :)
I've been working on question 3 and was hoping that I could get feedback on it please
In ‘Text 1’ and ‘Text 2’ I'd note the texts by their names unless you've been advised otherwise :) various commendable values and attitudes displayed by mothers are comparable through the use of textual and visual conventions respectively. The author’s effective use of textual conventions of diction and first person plural ‘I’ and ‘My’ in ‘Text 1’ It's so great that you've piggybacked these techniques - great work. Very sophisticated! enhances the value of love and family through the mother’s hard working and devoted attitude towards raising her daughter. Similarly in ‘Text 2’ the author’s use of visual conventions of vector lines and composition conveys these attitudes and values to the audience in a different way. What is the different way? We've said similarly, but then said it's different. We need to show how.
In ‘Text 1’ by Rachel Cusk the use of diction and first person plural assists to convey to the audience that a mother’s love towards her child is unconditional. Rachel Cusk’s use of colloquial, plain diction in ‘My daughter’s friends encounter me in the kitchen… with barely a word of greeting’ creates a strained atmosphere and enhances the audience’s sympathy. because the love her mother has is contrasted with the void environment...something like this to bring in your first two points together. In addition, the use of plain diction and first person plural in ‘I listen to them talk, gleaning knowledge of their world’ delves into the mother’s devoted attitude of wanting to be involved in her daughter’s world despite being treated as though she is ‘invisible’. It gives the audience a glimpse into the real inner of feelings of alienation of the mother in a detailed way while engaging with the audience on a personal level. Furthermore, the use of diction and first person plural in ‘ I tidy up, slowly. I open the windows’ conveys to the audience that despite being treated like a servant assigned to clean up ‘the scene of devastation’ left behind by her daughter and her friends the mother’s attitude of being devoted and hardworking is conveyed to audience. Long sentence here, I'd cut it down. Also, she repeats "I" in the two sentences, I'd talk about this. She puts herself at the forefront. She is the most prominent victim in this, hence the placement of I. Thus showing the audience the effects of a mother’s unconditional love towards her child despite how she is treated unfairly by daughter.
In contrast, the print advertisement ‘Text 2’ utilises the visual conventions of vector lines and composition to convey a mother’s unconditional love towards her child. How does this contrast? It's not really a direct contrast at all, perhaps you could say that it uses different techniques, because it focuses visually. But I wouldn't really say it's a direct contrast because the comparison isn't clear. The use of vector lines encourages the audience to follow the mother’s gaze and body language to the salient image of the child to emphasise that a mother’s life revolves around providing for her child. Awesome! In addition, the inclusion of only a minor portion of the mother’s body in the advertisement enhances the feeling of being unappreciated to the audience despite the love and attention mothers give to their children. However, the salient image of the child in the central portion of the advertisement captures the attention of the audience to accentuate a mother’s hardworking and devoted attitude towards raising her daughter. Hence, the use of vector lines and composition conveys that a mother's love is unconditionally devoted to their child by engaging the audience on a personal level.
I think this is a really good response, but I would put something more at the end. At the end, I would talk about the fact that the values are the same in both, just presented differently. Like, tie that argument in again. I know you've talked about it throughout, but bring it home at the end so that you can show the marker you are responding to the question again. I wouldn't give it much time, just a sentence or two, just to bring the two texts together to show a cohesive response!
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 24, 2017, 08:00:08 pm
Post by: anotherworld2b on January 31, 2017, 12:45:38 am
Can I please get feedback on my response to this question please?
Spoiler
Q4. The positioning of audience in relation to an idea (or purpose) is often through emotional engagement. Discuss with reference to at least one text you have studied.
In 1963, King’s renowned speech ‘I Have a Dream’ resonated with the emotions of the African American population who called for civil and economic rights at the March of Washington. It was undeniably one of the most memorable moments in American history as one of the largest political rallies for human rights in the United States. King’s use of emotive language, inclusive language and metaphors evoked strong emotional engagement from the audience enhancing its overall impact.
King’s use of powerful emotive language throughout his speech enables him to accentuate its effect on the audience through emotional engagement. The use of emotive language in ‘sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent’ adds emphasis by evoking a strong emotional response from the audience to encourage acknowledgement towards the injustice suffered by the African American population. In addition, the use of emotive language such as ‘dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice’ resonates with the African American population and encourages acknowledgement from other Americans towards the need for racial equality. Thus showing that the effective use of emotional language can strongly emphasise the impact of King’s speech by evoking strong emotional response so as to force agreement from the reader.
In addition, King’s use of inclusive language enhanced the mid 20th century zeitgeist of racism, segregation and discrimination inflicted on the ‘negroes’. The use of inclusive language in the iconic repetition ‘I have a Dream’ engages the reader by persuading readers to support Martin Luther King’s view. Furthermore, King’s use of inclusive language accentuates the personal appeal created towards the audience by evoking shame and guilt. Through the effective use of inclusive language King is able to position towards accepting his view through emotional engagement.
Furthermore, King’s use of simile allows vibrant imageries to crafted in the minds of the audience to accentuated the impact of King’s speech. Through the use of metaphors such as ‘a beacon light of hope’ reinforces a point without repetition. The use of metaphors such as ‘joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity’ engages the reader highlighting the point that action against racism, segregation and discrimination must be taken.
Hence, the impact of King’s ‘I have a Dream’ speech being embodiment of the African American population's demand for the ‘unalienable rights of life’ promised with the signing of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence was enhanced by emotional engagement.
In 1963, King’s renowned speech ‘I Have a Dream’ resonated with the emotions of the African American population who called for civil and economic rights at the March of Washington. It was undeniably one of the most memorable moments in American history as one of the largest political rallies for human rights in the United States. King’s use of emotive language, inclusive language and metaphors evoked strong emotional engagement from the audience enhancing its overall impact.
King’s use of powerful emotive language throughout his speech enables him to accentuate its effect on the audience through emotional engagement. The use of emotive language in ‘sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent’ adds emphasis by evoking a strong emotional response from the audience to encourage acknowledgement towards the injustice suffered by the African American population. In addition, the use of emotive language such as ‘dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice’ resonates with the African American population and encourages acknowledgement from other Americans towards the need for racial equality. Thus showing that the effective use of emotional language can strongly emphasise the impact of King’s speech by evoking strong emotional response so as to force agreement from the reader.
In addition, King’s use of inclusive language enhanced the mid 20th century zeitgeist of racism, segregation and discrimination inflicted on the ‘negroes’. The use of inclusive language in the iconic repetition ‘I have a Dream’ engages the reader by persuading readers to support Martin Luther King’s view. Furthermore, King’s use of inclusive language accentuates the personal appeal created towards the audience by evoking shame and guilt. Through the effective use of inclusive language King is able to position towards accepting his view through emotional engagement.
Furthermore, King’s use of simile allows vibrant imageries to crafted in the minds of the audience to accentuated the impact of King’s speech. Through the use of metaphors such as ‘a beacon light of hope’ reinforces a point without repetition. The use of metaphors such as ‘joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity’ engages the reader highlighting the point that action against racism, segregation and discrimination must be taken.
Hence, the impact of King’s ‘I have a Dream’ speech being embodiment of the African American population's demand for the ‘unalienable rights of life’ promised with the signing of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence was enhanced by emotional engagement.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 02, 2017, 10:56:56 pm
Hi I'm back :)
Can I please get feedback on my response to this question please?
Sure thing :)
Spoiler
Q4. The positioning of audience in relation to an idea (or purpose) is often through emotional engagement. Discuss with reference to at least one text you have studied.
In 1963, King’s renowned speech ‘I Have a Dream’ resonated with the emotions of the African American population who called for civil and economic rights at the March of Washington. Use the full name of a composer the first time you use it - Just a convention. It was undeniably one of the most memorable moments in American history as one of the largest political rallies for human rights in the United States. Irrelevant info without linking it to emotional engagement. King’s use of emotive language, inclusive language and metaphors evoked strong emotional engagement from the audience enhancing its overall impact. Good intro - But I'm still looking for a bit more clarification on how an audience is positioned to view an idea through emotional engagement (the question). This means, how does the composer use emotion to get the audience to agree with them? Some stronger links between the civil/economic rights and the emotional engagement is needed.
King’s use of powerful emotive language throughout his speech enables him to accentuate its effect on the audience through emotional engagement. Nice simple start. The use of emotive language in ‘sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent’ adds emphasis by evoking a strong emotional response from the audience to encourage acknowledgement towards the injustice suffered by the African American population. In addition, the use of emotive language such as ‘dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice’ resonates with the African American population and encourages acknowledgement from other Americans towards the need for racial equality. Thus showing that the effective use of emotional language can strongly emphasise the impact of King’s speech by evoking strong emotional response so as to force agreement from the reader. Having a whole paragraph on a single technique seems very strange and a little pointless to me - You could do this whole paragraph in two sentences otherwise. Did your teacher suggest this structure of 'per technique'? Just wary on saying not to do it, I don't know WACE very well :)
In addition, King’s use of inclusive language enhanced the mid 20th century zeitgeist of racism, segregation and discrimination inflicted on the ‘negroes’. Be sure to link to emotional engagement in every first sentence. The use of inclusive language in the iconic repetition ‘I have a Dream’ engages the reader by persuading readers to support Martin Luther King’s view. Furthermore, King’s use of inclusive language accentuates the personal appeal created towards the audience by evoking shame and guilt. Nice analysis in this paragraph! Nice consideration of audience impact. Through the effective use of inclusive language King is able to position towards accepting his view through emotional engagement.
Furthermore, King’s use of simile allows vibrant imageries to crafted in the minds of the audience to accentuated the impact of King’s speech. Again, link to emotional impact. Through the use of metaphors such as ‘a beacon light of hope’ reinforces a point without repetition. The use of metaphors such as ‘joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity’ engages the reader highlighting the point that action against racism, segregation and discrimination must be taken. Ensure all your paragraphs have a proper conclusion - Again, just a structural convention to keep things organised.
Hence, the impact of King’s ‘I have a Dream’ speech being embodiment of the African American population's demand for the ‘unalienable rights of life’ promised with the signing of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence was enhanced by emotional engagement.
In 1963, King’s renowned speech ‘I Have a Dream’ resonated with the emotions of the African American population who called for civil and economic rights at the March of Washington. Use the full name of a composer the first time you use it - Just a convention. It was undeniably one of the most memorable moments in American history as one of the largest political rallies for human rights in the United States. Irrelevant info without linking it to emotional engagement. King’s use of emotive language, inclusive language and metaphors evoked strong emotional engagement from the audience enhancing its overall impact. Good intro - But I'm still looking for a bit more clarification on how an audience is positioned to view an idea through emotional engagement (the question). This means, how does the composer use emotion to get the audience to agree with them? Some stronger links between the civil/economic rights and the emotional engagement is needed.
King’s use of powerful emotive language throughout his speech enables him to accentuate its effect on the audience through emotional engagement. Nice simple start. The use of emotive language in ‘sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent’ adds emphasis by evoking a strong emotional response from the audience to encourage acknowledgement towards the injustice suffered by the African American population. In addition, the use of emotive language such as ‘dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice’ resonates with the African American population and encourages acknowledgement from other Americans towards the need for racial equality. Thus showing that the effective use of emotional language can strongly emphasise the impact of King’s speech by evoking strong emotional response so as to force agreement from the reader. Having a whole paragraph on a single technique seems very strange and a little pointless to me - You could do this whole paragraph in two sentences otherwise. Did your teacher suggest this structure of 'per technique'? Just wary on saying not to do it, I don't know WACE very well :)
In addition, King’s use of inclusive language enhanced the mid 20th century zeitgeist of racism, segregation and discrimination inflicted on the ‘negroes’. Be sure to link to emotional engagement in every first sentence. The use of inclusive language in the iconic repetition ‘I have a Dream’ engages the reader by persuading readers to support Martin Luther King’s view. Furthermore, King’s use of inclusive language accentuates the personal appeal created towards the audience by evoking shame and guilt. Nice analysis in this paragraph! Nice consideration of audience impact. Through the effective use of inclusive language King is able to position towards accepting his view through emotional engagement.
Furthermore, King’s use of simile allows vibrant imageries to crafted in the minds of the audience to accentuated the impact of King’s speech. Again, link to emotional impact. Through the use of metaphors such as ‘a beacon light of hope’ reinforces a point without repetition. The use of metaphors such as ‘joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity’ engages the reader highlighting the point that action against racism, segregation and discrimination must be taken. Ensure all your paragraphs have a proper conclusion - Again, just a structural convention to keep things organised.
Hence, the impact of King’s ‘I have a Dream’ speech being embodiment of the African American population's demand for the ‘unalienable rights of life’ promised with the signing of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence was enhanced by emotional engagement.
So your analysis/ideas are good here, but I'm a little thrown by the structure. You've structured it like an essay, but you don't have that much to discuss. This leads to short paragraphs that would probably be better off as sentences in a larger paragraph. The way it is now, your ideas are better expressed as one single, long, but super effective paragraph.
So either you need to consolidate these ideas into a single paragraph, OR you need more to discuss. I'm not sure which because I have no clue how much would be expected in WACE for this question. Given its part of a bundle, I wager this is a short answer question?
Post by: anotherworld2b on February 03, 2017, 12:04:45 am
I am not sure how to further elaborate my points :/
Sure thing :)SpoilerQ4. The positioning of audience in relation to an idea (or purpose) is often through emotional engagement. Discuss with reference to at least one text you have studied.
In 1963, King’s renowned speech ‘I Have a Dream’ resonated with the emotions of the African American population who called for civil and economic rights at the March of Washington. Use the full name of a composer the first time you use it - Just a convention. It was undeniably one of the most memorable moments in American history as one of the largest political rallies for human rights in the United States. Irrelevant info without linking it to emotional engagement. King’s use of emotive language, inclusive language and metaphors evoked strong emotional engagement from the audience enhancing its overall impact. Good intro - But I'm still looking for a bit more clarification on how an audience is positioned to view an idea through emotional engagement (the question). This means, how does the composer use emotion to get the audience to agree with them? Some stronger links between the civil/economic rights and the emotional engagement is needed.
King’s use of powerful emotive language throughout his speech enables him to accentuate its effect on the audience through emotional engagement. Nice simple start. The use of emotive language in ‘sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent’ adds emphasis by evoking a strong emotional response from the audience to encourage acknowledgement towards the injustice suffered by the African American population. In addition, the use of emotive language such as ‘dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice’ resonates with the African American population and encourages acknowledgement from other Americans towards the need for racial equality. Thus showing that the effective use of emotional language can strongly emphasise the impact of King’s speech by evoking strong emotional response so as to force agreement from the reader. Having a whole paragraph on a single technique seems very strange and a little pointless to me - You could do this whole paragraph in two sentences otherwise. Did your teacher suggest this structure of 'per technique'? Just wary on saying not to do it, I don't know WACE very well :)
In addition, King’s use of inclusive language enhanced the mid 20th century zeitgeist of racism, segregation and discrimination inflicted on the ‘negroes’. Be sure to link to emotional engagement in every first sentence. The use of inclusive language in the iconic repetition ‘I have a Dream’ engages the reader by persuading readers to support Martin Luther King’s view. Furthermore, King’s use of inclusive language accentuates the personal appeal created towards the audience by evoking shame and guilt. Nice analysis in this paragraph! Nice consideration of audience impact. Through the effective use of inclusive language King is able to position towards accepting his view through emotional engagement.
Furthermore, King’s use of simile allows vibrant imageries to crafted in the minds of the audience to accentuated the impact of King’s speech. Again, link to emotional impact. Through the use of metaphors such as ‘a beacon light of hope’ reinforces a point without repetition. The use of metaphors such as ‘joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity’ engages the reader highlighting the point that action against racism, segregation and discrimination must be taken. Ensure all your paragraphs have a proper conclusion - Again, just a structural convention to keep things organised.
Hence, the impact of King’s ‘I have a Dream’ speech being embodiment of the African American population's demand for the ‘unalienable rights of life’ promised with the signing of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence was enhanced by emotional engagement.
So your analysis/ideas are good here, but I'm a little thrown by the structure. You've structured it like an essay, but you don't have that much to discuss. This leads to short paragraphs that would probably be better off as sentences in a larger paragraph. The way it is now, your ideas are better expressed as one single, long, but super effective paragraph.
So either you need to consolidate these ideas into a single paragraph, OR you need more to discuss. I'm not sure which because I have no clue how much would be expected in WACE for this question. Given its part of a bundle, I wager this is a short answer question?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 03, 2017, 01:10:49 am
it is worth 25 marks so I assume it would be a extended answer (essay)
I am not sure how to further elaborate my points :/
Oh yep for sure it would have to be :P
So I would suggest, instead of focusing on one paragraph per technique, try setting up a more conceptual approach. Have one paragraph per concept - The speech you have chosen has a heap of them. There are of course the civil rights aspects, but also more general concepts of equality, love, history, and more. You can do a bit of a Google to see what is out there for this speech (there is loads).
SO the idea would be, with one concept per paragraph, to separately explore how King engages emotionally with the audience to influence their perspective on that concept. This will let you explore a variety of techniques per paragraph, which will be more effective than what you have in place right now, which is just the same technique on repeat. The conceptual approach is what I push in the HSC, so I reckon it will work just as well in WACE.
So to start, try and brainstorm three interrelated themes (or however many), and try and find some quotes that re-enforce that concept :)
(Alternatively, if you're on a limited time frame for any reason, of course just add more quotes to your current structure. But I do think, if time is no object, then a change will improve the piece substantially. It's just whether you can invest the extra hours to completely swap it or not) :)
Post by: kb123 on February 19, 2017, 01:36:13 pm
It needs some word cutting, so if you see anything that could be cut while reading, please let me know :)
I don't have any particular concerns at the moment, so I would just like some tips on areas to improve (however I was wondering if my first and second paragraph link to each other enough in terms of the discussion of the theme).
Here it is:
Spoiler
Distinction in the represented values within texts intensifies how context shapes composers’ perspectives (or answer to question). A comparison of ideas and textual features between Fritz Lang’s film Metropolis (1927) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty-Four (1948) develops the audience’s understanding of the unique political and personal threats faced within Lang’s and Orwell’s respective societies. Reflecting the hardships following the First World War, Metropolis reveals the way authoritarian regimes limit one’s freedom and individuality, though influenced by Weimar Germany’s Golden Era, is optimistic about social reform catalysed by rebellion. However, due Orwell’s experiences of the precarious geopolitical climate post-WWII, Nineteen Eighty-Four offers no hope for individuality to survive in or humanity to overcome a totalitarian society.
Influenced by the suffering of the proletariat in the early Weimer Republic, Lang reveals his negative attitude towards the way hierarchal totalitarian societies restrict individuality. The recent Industrial Revolution increased income and class inequality, the chiaroscuro between the shots of the upper and lower class, characteristic of German Expressionist film, elucidating Lang’s negative opinion towards the way each class conforms to the status quo by sacrificing their individuality. The mise-en-scene of the workers, costumed in identical, dark uniforms, reveals their induced conformity by capitalist ruler Fredersen, reflective of the suppression of the proletariat’s individuality within the Weimer context in addition to Lang’s critical opinions of capitalism that were strongly upheld at the time. Furthermore, Lang’s use of dull lighting in the medium shots of workers within the opening scenes creates a sombre mood to convey the oppression and dehumanisation felt by the men, resonating the restrictive impact of excessive industrialisation on the voice of the working class within Weimer Germany. Lang’s use of contrast between the tone of the non-diegetic music used to characterise emphasises each class’ non-individualistic submission to their roles within “Metropolis”, emulating the hierarchal social structure of the Weimer Republic, assisting Lang in warning his audience of a future where individuality is not valued. Thus, Lang visually examines his era in which the individuality of the lower class is sacrificed for social stability.
Whilst both Lang and Orwell’s texts depict societies where state power suppresses individuality, they differ both in medium and context, resulting in Orwell’s analysis of the way totalitarian manipulation of language and power present during post-WWII Stalinist USSR abolishes individuality within a society. Orwell reflects the way human spirit is rendered worthless in a totalitarian system through his use of paradox “Can you not understand that the death of the individual is not death? The Party is immortal”. The personification of “The Party” as “immortal” further emphasises the domination of the Soviet Government over human freedom and life, particularly during the Great Purges of 1936, portraying how the author’s personal experiences of totalitarian USSR have shaped his resentful perspective towards their diminution of the individual. Additionally, Orwell’s inclusion of Newspeak jargon, “ownlife… meaning individuality and eccentricity”, negatively connotating ‘individuality’ and ‘eccentricity’, reveals how Orwell satirises the way unique human expression was suppressed by the Soviet government. The characterisation of Julia parallels Metropolis’ protagonist Freder, both of whom do not “accept it as a law of nature that the individual is always defeated”, metaphorically capturing the vulnerability of human individuality within authoritarian regimes. Similarly to Lang, Orwell stresses the abandonment of individuality in an authoritarian regime, with his projection of a dystopic future in a totalitarian world intensified by his experiences of the extreme political paradigms post-WWII.
In “Metropolis”, Lang reveals his negative attitude towards industrialised classist societies of capitalist nations, promoting peaceful social reform in place of rebellion against authority. Influenced by the failure of the Kapp Pusch in the overthrowal of the Weimar Republic, Lang portrays his perspective that change can be independent of rebellion. The confronting tone of the dialogue card “And if those in the depths one day rise against you?” foreshadows the revolt of the lower class, capturing the sense of dissatisfaction the working class of the Weimer Republic felt towards their rulers. Thus, the mise-en-scene of the Tower of Babel scene, capturing myriad workers filling the frame and overwhelming their oppressive masters, depicts Lang’s warning to society that rebellion is inevitable if capitalists continue to abuse workers for their own profit. Mirroring the failure of the Kapp Pusch, Lang portrays the unsuccessfulness the worker’s revolution after their destruction of the Heart Machine through a montage of clips juxtaposing between the workers dancing at a medium shot to shots of their forgotten children drowning, thus condemning the notion of spontaneous rebellion. Furthermore, Lang’s hopeful perspective towards conscientious social reform is visually displayed in the mid-shot of worker Grot and ruler Fredersen linking hands in a symbol of reconciliation of labour and capital, completing the extended metaphor of the intertitle: ‘the mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.’ The political tension in Lang’s Weimer Germany context influenced his shaping of the film to portray rebellion as inferior to peaceful social amendment.
Where Lang portrays an optimistic attitude towards social revolution, Orwell’s differs in that he presents the futility of rebellion in within a totalitarian regime, having witnessed both world wars and the dawn of the nuclear age. Orwell’s choice of the dystopian genre in writing “1984” depicts the way the sceptical style of elite literature of the Cold War shaped Orwell’s antagonistic perspective towards the nature of politics of his time. In contrast to Metropolis’ demonstrative protagonist, Winston’s omniscient narration conveys how he can only mutely challenge the Party’s prohibition of individuality: “always in your stomach there was a dull protest”. The metaphor of a “protest” in a “stomach” exemplifies the limit of rebellion in the light of the “Party”, Orwell’s parody of the despotic government of the USSR spotlighting his disgusted attitude towards such a regime. The repetition and capitalisation of “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER” in Winston’s stream of consciousness in his diary, further characterises him as an individual supressed, yet defiant attitude towards “The Party”, paralleling Orwell’s personal abhorrence towards totalitarianism within Fascist Spain and Stalinist USSR. The metaphor “if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever”, reflects the way political insurgence was liquidated during the Great Purges of the Soviet Union, highlighting how Orwell’s context influenced his perspective that resistance against totalitarian power is futile. Hence, the contrast between Orwell’s austere predictions for the future of humanity and Lang’s idealistic visions highlights their differing views towards the plausibility of rebellion within their contextual societies shaped by their distinct contexts.
Comparing Fritz Lang’s silent film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel Nineteen Eighty-Four reveals the contiguity of context, ideas and values present in each text, revealing how the contextual fears regarding social structure and politics shape Lang’s and Orwell’s perspectives about the future of humanity. Both texts depict the extreme tension between the desire of individuality and totalitarianism, however due to the composers’ difference in context, present contrasting attitudes towards rebellion against authority.
Influenced by the suffering of the proletariat in the early Weimer Republic, Lang reveals his negative attitude towards the way hierarchal totalitarian societies restrict individuality. The recent Industrial Revolution increased income and class inequality, the chiaroscuro between the shots of the upper and lower class, characteristic of German Expressionist film, elucidating Lang’s negative opinion towards the way each class conforms to the status quo by sacrificing their individuality. The mise-en-scene of the workers, costumed in identical, dark uniforms, reveals their induced conformity by capitalist ruler Fredersen, reflective of the suppression of the proletariat’s individuality within the Weimer context in addition to Lang’s critical opinions of capitalism that were strongly upheld at the time. Furthermore, Lang’s use of dull lighting in the medium shots of workers within the opening scenes creates a sombre mood to convey the oppression and dehumanisation felt by the men, resonating the restrictive impact of excessive industrialisation on the voice of the working class within Weimer Germany. Lang’s use of contrast between the tone of the non-diegetic music used to characterise emphasises each class’ non-individualistic submission to their roles within “Metropolis”, emulating the hierarchal social structure of the Weimer Republic, assisting Lang in warning his audience of a future where individuality is not valued. Thus, Lang visually examines his era in which the individuality of the lower class is sacrificed for social stability.
Whilst both Lang and Orwell’s texts depict societies where state power suppresses individuality, they differ both in medium and context, resulting in Orwell’s analysis of the way totalitarian manipulation of language and power present during post-WWII Stalinist USSR abolishes individuality within a society. Orwell reflects the way human spirit is rendered worthless in a totalitarian system through his use of paradox “Can you not understand that the death of the individual is not death? The Party is immortal”. The personification of “The Party” as “immortal” further emphasises the domination of the Soviet Government over human freedom and life, particularly during the Great Purges of 1936, portraying how the author’s personal experiences of totalitarian USSR have shaped his resentful perspective towards their diminution of the individual. Additionally, Orwell’s inclusion of Newspeak jargon, “ownlife… meaning individuality and eccentricity”, negatively connotating ‘individuality’ and ‘eccentricity’, reveals how Orwell satirises the way unique human expression was suppressed by the Soviet government. The characterisation of Julia parallels Metropolis’ protagonist Freder, both of whom do not “accept it as a law of nature that the individual is always defeated”, metaphorically capturing the vulnerability of human individuality within authoritarian regimes. Similarly to Lang, Orwell stresses the abandonment of individuality in an authoritarian regime, with his projection of a dystopic future in a totalitarian world intensified by his experiences of the extreme political paradigms post-WWII.
In “Metropolis”, Lang reveals his negative attitude towards industrialised classist societies of capitalist nations, promoting peaceful social reform in place of rebellion against authority. Influenced by the failure of the Kapp Pusch in the overthrowal of the Weimar Republic, Lang portrays his perspective that change can be independent of rebellion. The confronting tone of the dialogue card “And if those in the depths one day rise against you?” foreshadows the revolt of the lower class, capturing the sense of dissatisfaction the working class of the Weimer Republic felt towards their rulers. Thus, the mise-en-scene of the Tower of Babel scene, capturing myriad workers filling the frame and overwhelming their oppressive masters, depicts Lang’s warning to society that rebellion is inevitable if capitalists continue to abuse workers for their own profit. Mirroring the failure of the Kapp Pusch, Lang portrays the unsuccessfulness the worker’s revolution after their destruction of the Heart Machine through a montage of clips juxtaposing between the workers dancing at a medium shot to shots of their forgotten children drowning, thus condemning the notion of spontaneous rebellion. Furthermore, Lang’s hopeful perspective towards conscientious social reform is visually displayed in the mid-shot of worker Grot and ruler Fredersen linking hands in a symbol of reconciliation of labour and capital, completing the extended metaphor of the intertitle: ‘the mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.’ The political tension in Lang’s Weimer Germany context influenced his shaping of the film to portray rebellion as inferior to peaceful social amendment.
Where Lang portrays an optimistic attitude towards social revolution, Orwell’s differs in that he presents the futility of rebellion in within a totalitarian regime, having witnessed both world wars and the dawn of the nuclear age. Orwell’s choice of the dystopian genre in writing “1984” depicts the way the sceptical style of elite literature of the Cold War shaped Orwell’s antagonistic perspective towards the nature of politics of his time. In contrast to Metropolis’ demonstrative protagonist, Winston’s omniscient narration conveys how he can only mutely challenge the Party’s prohibition of individuality: “always in your stomach there was a dull protest”. The metaphor of a “protest” in a “stomach” exemplifies the limit of rebellion in the light of the “Party”, Orwell’s parody of the despotic government of the USSR spotlighting his disgusted attitude towards such a regime. The repetition and capitalisation of “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER” in Winston’s stream of consciousness in his diary, further characterises him as an individual supressed, yet defiant attitude towards “The Party”, paralleling Orwell’s personal abhorrence towards totalitarianism within Fascist Spain and Stalinist USSR. The metaphor “if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever”, reflects the way political insurgence was liquidated during the Great Purges of the Soviet Union, highlighting how Orwell’s context influenced his perspective that resistance against totalitarian power is futile. Hence, the contrast between Orwell’s austere predictions for the future of humanity and Lang’s idealistic visions highlights their differing views towards the plausibility of rebellion within their contextual societies shaped by their distinct contexts.
Comparing Fritz Lang’s silent film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel Nineteen Eighty-Four reveals the contiguity of context, ideas and values present in each text, revealing how the contextual fears regarding social structure and politics shape Lang’s and Orwell’s perspectives about the future of humanity. Both texts depict the extreme tension between the desire of individuality and totalitarianism, however due to the composers’ difference in context, present contrasting attitudes towards rebellion against authority.
My teacher also said that I cannot start my sentences with verbs such as "mirroring", or words such as "thus" and "hence". Do I really have to change it?? Like is this only her opinion or a rule in general?
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 19, 2017, 10:15:31 pm
Hi! This is my essay for Module A. We haven't had our exam for Mod A yet, so I don't have any specific questions on where I could in improve from exam feedback.
It needs some word cutting, so if you see anything that could be cut while reading, please let me know :)
I don't have any particular concerns at the moment, so I would just like some tips on areas to improve (however I was wondering if my first and second paragraph link to each other enough in terms of the discussion of the theme).
My teacher also said that I cannot start my sentences with verbs such as "mirroring", or words such as "thus" and "hence". Do I really have to change it?? Like is this only her opinion or a rule in general?
Hey there! I'll write some comments in bold font throughout and then I'll chat at the end outside the spoiler :)
Spoiler
Distinction in the represented values within texts intensifies how context shapes composers’ perspectives (or answer to question).
A comparison of ideas and textual features between Fritz Lang’s film Metropolis (1927) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty-Four (1948) develops the audience’s understanding of the unique political and personal threats faced within Lang’s and Orwell’s respective societies. Already it's great to see the way you've talked about textual features as well, this is important in module A and is often overlooked. Reflecting the hardships following the First World War, Metropolis reveals the way authoritarian regimes limit one’s freedom and individuality, though influenced by Weimar Germany’s Golden Era, is optimistic about social reform catalysed by rebellion. However, due Orwell’s experiences of the precarious geopolitical climate post-WWII, Nineteen Eighty-Four offers no hope for individuality to survive in or humanity to overcome a totalitarian society. I feel like one more sentence here to tie together the way the two texts work comparatively would be to your advantage. In a way, bringing a more unique thesis to the table. You've brought up excellent and unique ideas for the text respectively, but now something that brings the two together that you will follow throughout your entire argument. Perhaps it is that the manipulation of form is the most distinct difference between the two, or perhaps it is the treatment of humanity as still pure despite the circumstances...these are just random ideas. A unique thesis will separate you from the rest.
Influenced by the suffering of the proletariat in the early Weimer Republic, Lang reveals his negative attitude towards the way hierarchal totalitarian societies restrict individuality. The recent Industrial Revolution increased income and class inequality, the chiaroscuro between the shots of the upper and lower class, characteristic of German Expressionist film, elucidating Lang’s negative opinion towards the way each class conforms to the status quo by sacrificing their individuality. This is a long sentence and because of the comma splices, it gets a bit confusing. If possible, I'd cut this into two. You have great information in here, I don't want to lose any of it. The mise-en-scene of the workers, costumed in identical, dark uniforms, reveals their induced conformity by capitalist ruler Fredersen, reflective of the suppression of the proletariat’s individuality within the Weimer context in addition to Lang’s critical opinions of capitalism that were strongly upheld at the time. Furthermore, Lang’s use of dull lighting in the medium shots of workers within the opening scenes creates a sombre mood to convey the oppression and dehumanisation felt by the men, resonating the restrictive impact of excessive industrialisation on the voice of the working class within Weimer Germany. Lang’s use of contrast between the tone of the non-diegetic music used to characterise emphasises each class’ non-individualistic submission to their roles within “Metropolis”, emulating the hierarchal social structure of the Weimer Republic, assisting Lang in warning his audience of a future where individuality is not valued. Thus, Lang visually examines his era in which the individuality of the lower class is sacrificed for social stability. You do a great job of linking textual evidence to technique to effect.
Whilst both Lang and Orwell’s texts depict societies where state power suppresses individuality, they differ both in medium and context, resulting in Orwell’s analysis of the way totalitarian manipulation of language and power present during post-WWII Stalinist USSR abolishes individuality within a society. Yes, great link. Really solid! Orwell reflects the way human spirit is rendered worthless in a totalitarian system This bit, is incredible. through his use of paradox “Can you not understand that the death of the individual is not death? The Party is immortal”. The personification of “The Party” as “immortal” further emphasises the domination of the Soviet Government over human freedom and life, particularly during the Great Purges of 1936, portraying how the author’s personal experiences of totalitarian USSR have shaped his resentful perspective towards their diminution of the individual. Additionally, Orwell’s inclusion of Newspeak jargon, “ownlife… meaning individuality and eccentricity”, negatively connotating ‘individuality’ and ‘eccentricity’, reveals how Orwell satirises the way unique human expression was suppressed by the Soviet government. The characterisation of Julia parallels Metropolis’ protagonist Freder, both of whom do not “accept it as a law of nature that the individual is always defeated”, metaphorically capturing the vulnerability of human individuality within authoritarian regimes. Similarly to Lang, Orwell stresses the abandonment of individuality in an authoritarian regime, with his projection of a dystopic future in a totalitarian world intensified by his experiences of the extreme political paradigms post-WWII. Again, no issues with linking evidence to effect. Your writing style is really effective.
In “Metropolis”, Lang reveals his negative attitude towards industrialised classist societies of capitalist nations, promoting peaceful social reform in place of rebellion against authority. Influenced by the failure of the Kapp Pusch in the overthrowal of the Weimar Republic, Lang portrays his perspective that change can be independent of rebellion. The confronting tone of the dialogue card “And if those in the depths one day rise against you?” foreshadows the revolt of the lower class, capturing the sense of dissatisfaction the working class of the Weimer Republic felt towards their rulers. Excellent analysis. Thus, the mise-en-scene of the Tower of Babel scene, capturing myriad workers filling the frame and overwhelming their oppressive masters, depicts Lang’s warning to society that rebellion is inevitable if capitalists continue to abuse workers for their own profit. Mirroring the failure of the Kapp Pusch, Lang portrays the unsuccessfulness the worker’s revolution after their destruction of the Heart Machine through a montage of clips juxtaposing between the workers dancing at a medium shot to shots of their forgotten children drowning, thus condemning the notion of spontaneous rebellion. This is a really long sentence, but also don't think that mirroring is a problem here. It's more just that you've flipped typical syntax around. I start some sentences with "mirroring" as well, and I think it works. In this particular incidence, I don't even think that you would benefit from moving "mirroring" out of it's primary position. I think it works perfectly. Furthermore, Lang’s hopeful perspective towards conscientious social reform is visually displayed in the mid-shot of worker Grot and ruler Fredersen linking hands in a symbol of reconciliation of labour and capital, completing the extended metaphor of the intertitle: ‘the mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.’ The political tension in Lang’s Weimer Germany context influenced his shaping of the film to portray rebellion as inferior to peaceful social amendment.
Where Lang portrays an optimistic attitude towards social revolution, Orwell’s differs in that he presents the futility of rebellion in within a totalitarian regime, having witnessed both world wars and the dawn of the nuclear age. Orwell’s choice of the dystopian genre in writing “1984” depicts the way the sceptical style of elite literature of the Cold War shaped Orwell’s antagonistic perspective towards the nature of politics of his time. In contrast to Metropolis’ demonstrative protagonist, Winston’s omniscient narration conveys how he can only mutely challenge the Party’s prohibition of individuality: “always in your stomach there was a dull protest”. The metaphor of a “protest” in a “stomach” exemplifies the limit of rebellion in the light of the “Party”, Orwell’s parody of the despotic government of the USSR spotlighting his disgusted attitude towards such a regime. The repetition and capitalisation of “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER” in Winston’s stream of consciousness in his diary, further characterises him as an individual supressed, yet defiant attitude towards “The Party”, paralleling Orwell’s personal abhorrence towards totalitarianism within Fascist Spain and Stalinist USSR. The metaphor “if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever”, reflects the way political insurgence was liquidated during the Great Purges of the Soviet Union, highlighting how Orwell’s context influenced his perspective that resistance against totalitarian power is futile. Hence, the contrast between Orwell’s austere predictions for the future of humanity and Lang’s idealistic visions highlights their differing views towards the plausibility of rebellion within their contextual societies shaped by their distinct contexts.
Comparing Fritz Lang’s silent film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel Nineteen Eighty-Four reveals the contiguity of context, ideas and values present in each text, revealing how the contextual fears regarding social structure and politics shape Lang’s and Orwell’s perspectives about the future of humanity. Both texts depict the extreme tension between the desire of individuality and totalitarianism, however due to the composers’ difference in context, present contrasting attitudes towards rebellion against authority.
A comparison of ideas and textual features between Fritz Lang’s film Metropolis (1927) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty-Four (1948) develops the audience’s understanding of the unique political and personal threats faced within Lang’s and Orwell’s respective societies. Already it's great to see the way you've talked about textual features as well, this is important in module A and is often overlooked. Reflecting the hardships following the First World War, Metropolis reveals the way authoritarian regimes limit one’s freedom and individuality, though influenced by Weimar Germany’s Golden Era, is optimistic about social reform catalysed by rebellion. However, due Orwell’s experiences of the precarious geopolitical climate post-WWII, Nineteen Eighty-Four offers no hope for individuality to survive in or humanity to overcome a totalitarian society. I feel like one more sentence here to tie together the way the two texts work comparatively would be to your advantage. In a way, bringing a more unique thesis to the table. You've brought up excellent and unique ideas for the text respectively, but now something that brings the two together that you will follow throughout your entire argument. Perhaps it is that the manipulation of form is the most distinct difference between the two, or perhaps it is the treatment of humanity as still pure despite the circumstances...these are just random ideas. A unique thesis will separate you from the rest.
Influenced by the suffering of the proletariat in the early Weimer Republic, Lang reveals his negative attitude towards the way hierarchal totalitarian societies restrict individuality. The recent Industrial Revolution increased income and class inequality, the chiaroscuro between the shots of the upper and lower class, characteristic of German Expressionist film, elucidating Lang’s negative opinion towards the way each class conforms to the status quo by sacrificing their individuality. This is a long sentence and because of the comma splices, it gets a bit confusing. If possible, I'd cut this into two. You have great information in here, I don't want to lose any of it. The mise-en-scene of the workers, costumed in identical, dark uniforms, reveals their induced conformity by capitalist ruler Fredersen, reflective of the suppression of the proletariat’s individuality within the Weimer context in addition to Lang’s critical opinions of capitalism that were strongly upheld at the time. Furthermore, Lang’s use of dull lighting in the medium shots of workers within the opening scenes creates a sombre mood to convey the oppression and dehumanisation felt by the men, resonating the restrictive impact of excessive industrialisation on the voice of the working class within Weimer Germany. Lang’s use of contrast between the tone of the non-diegetic music used to characterise emphasises each class’ non-individualistic submission to their roles within “Metropolis”, emulating the hierarchal social structure of the Weimer Republic, assisting Lang in warning his audience of a future where individuality is not valued. Thus, Lang visually examines his era in which the individuality of the lower class is sacrificed for social stability. You do a great job of linking textual evidence to technique to effect.
Whilst both Lang and Orwell’s texts depict societies where state power suppresses individuality, they differ both in medium and context, resulting in Orwell’s analysis of the way totalitarian manipulation of language and power present during post-WWII Stalinist USSR abolishes individuality within a society. Yes, great link. Really solid! Orwell reflects the way human spirit is rendered worthless in a totalitarian system This bit, is incredible. through his use of paradox “Can you not understand that the death of the individual is not death? The Party is immortal”. The personification of “The Party” as “immortal” further emphasises the domination of the Soviet Government over human freedom and life, particularly during the Great Purges of 1936, portraying how the author’s personal experiences of totalitarian USSR have shaped his resentful perspective towards their diminution of the individual. Additionally, Orwell’s inclusion of Newspeak jargon, “ownlife… meaning individuality and eccentricity”, negatively connotating ‘individuality’ and ‘eccentricity’, reveals how Orwell satirises the way unique human expression was suppressed by the Soviet government. The characterisation of Julia parallels Metropolis’ protagonist Freder, both of whom do not “accept it as a law of nature that the individual is always defeated”, metaphorically capturing the vulnerability of human individuality within authoritarian regimes. Similarly to Lang, Orwell stresses the abandonment of individuality in an authoritarian regime, with his projection of a dystopic future in a totalitarian world intensified by his experiences of the extreme political paradigms post-WWII. Again, no issues with linking evidence to effect. Your writing style is really effective.
In “Metropolis”, Lang reveals his negative attitude towards industrialised classist societies of capitalist nations, promoting peaceful social reform in place of rebellion against authority. Influenced by the failure of the Kapp Pusch in the overthrowal of the Weimar Republic, Lang portrays his perspective that change can be independent of rebellion. The confronting tone of the dialogue card “And if those in the depths one day rise against you?” foreshadows the revolt of the lower class, capturing the sense of dissatisfaction the working class of the Weimer Republic felt towards their rulers. Excellent analysis. Thus, the mise-en-scene of the Tower of Babel scene, capturing myriad workers filling the frame and overwhelming their oppressive masters, depicts Lang’s warning to society that rebellion is inevitable if capitalists continue to abuse workers for their own profit. Mirroring the failure of the Kapp Pusch, Lang portrays the unsuccessfulness the worker’s revolution after their destruction of the Heart Machine through a montage of clips juxtaposing between the workers dancing at a medium shot to shots of their forgotten children drowning, thus condemning the notion of spontaneous rebellion. This is a really long sentence, but also don't think that mirroring is a problem here. It's more just that you've flipped typical syntax around. I start some sentences with "mirroring" as well, and I think it works. In this particular incidence, I don't even think that you would benefit from moving "mirroring" out of it's primary position. I think it works perfectly. Furthermore, Lang’s hopeful perspective towards conscientious social reform is visually displayed in the mid-shot of worker Grot and ruler Fredersen linking hands in a symbol of reconciliation of labour and capital, completing the extended metaphor of the intertitle: ‘the mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.’ The political tension in Lang’s Weimer Germany context influenced his shaping of the film to portray rebellion as inferior to peaceful social amendment.
Where Lang portrays an optimistic attitude towards social revolution, Orwell’s differs in that he presents the futility of rebellion in within a totalitarian regime, having witnessed both world wars and the dawn of the nuclear age. Orwell’s choice of the dystopian genre in writing “1984” depicts the way the sceptical style of elite literature of the Cold War shaped Orwell’s antagonistic perspective towards the nature of politics of his time. In contrast to Metropolis’ demonstrative protagonist, Winston’s omniscient narration conveys how he can only mutely challenge the Party’s prohibition of individuality: “always in your stomach there was a dull protest”. The metaphor of a “protest” in a “stomach” exemplifies the limit of rebellion in the light of the “Party”, Orwell’s parody of the despotic government of the USSR spotlighting his disgusted attitude towards such a regime. The repetition and capitalisation of “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER” in Winston’s stream of consciousness in his diary, further characterises him as an individual supressed, yet defiant attitude towards “The Party”, paralleling Orwell’s personal abhorrence towards totalitarianism within Fascist Spain and Stalinist USSR. The metaphor “if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever”, reflects the way political insurgence was liquidated during the Great Purges of the Soviet Union, highlighting how Orwell’s context influenced his perspective that resistance against totalitarian power is futile. Hence, the contrast between Orwell’s austere predictions for the future of humanity and Lang’s idealistic visions highlights their differing views towards the plausibility of rebellion within their contextual societies shaped by their distinct contexts.
Comparing Fritz Lang’s silent film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel Nineteen Eighty-Four reveals the contiguity of context, ideas and values present in each text, revealing how the contextual fears regarding social structure and politics shape Lang’s and Orwell’s perspectives about the future of humanity. Both texts depict the extreme tension between the desire of individuality and totalitarianism, however due to the composers’ difference in context, present contrasting attitudes towards rebellion against authority.
This is just wonderful, amazing. I think you are a really great writer and you have captured the link between context and text magnificently. I mentioned in the intro about your thesis. I see that as we go on there is an argument about rebellion against authority. That's awesome. I think you raise a really unique idea in your second body paragraph. You talk about the human spirit being rendered worthless. That's an idea that you could make more prominent in your essay, its' very strong, and it links well with your idea about authority anyway. Usually, a Module A essay question would suggest something more in the way of a theme for you to deal with anyway, so you'd already be forced to talk about another major thematic aspect (although sometimes you do get broad ones like this!). So, I apologise I don't have much feedback on your writing style at all because everything is tight and well supported (a few long sentences, but I pointed them out). But I think your conceptual approach has room for improvement. The understanding of authority and rebellion persists in all of the analysis available online for these texts - but the human spirit being rendered worthless? Very original. Pairing it with the authority and rebellion idea could be very powerful. I think it's worth a shot! What do you think?
To reiterate, you're a brilliant writer and this is a marvellous piece. Everything flows beautifully and nothing jars. The next step, in my opinion, is conceptual work.
Post by: Nialllovespie on February 24, 2017, 03:34:19 pm
Just wondering if I can get my essay marked
Thanks so much in advance!! Also I am aware that I still need to make links between the texts in each paragraphs but I need advice on the rest of it hahah
The dominant contextual concerns arising during the composure of an author's texts enables the author to expose their perspectives of the prevalent ideologies, thus warning their audience of future ramifications. In response to the post World War 2 context, George Orwell's prose fiction, “1984” (1949) satirically condemns the universal concerns regarding the corrosive implications of totalitarian regimes similar to those of Stalin, Franco and Mussolini and the utilisation of technology as an extremist tool for manipulation. Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist film “Metropolis” (1927) operates as a social commentary by criticising the unrestrained capitalist society, creating a corrupting influence on humanity, characterised by labour exploitation and socioeconomic disparity in the Weimar Republic.
The social stratification in “Metropolis” enables Lang to characterise a political model that emphasises the pervasive inequity which stems from class division. Lang's perspectives are conditioned by the Weimar Republic where the repatriations post world war 1, entrenched political and economic instability creating German anxiety and socio economic disparity that occurred from burgeoning capitalistic values. Lang creates a societal subordination through a dystopian perspective of society in order to juxtapose the prosperous minority of the upper class with the majority of impecunious working class. In addition, the prevalent class disparity is further presented through the use of parallel editing, accentuating the workers collective disempowerment from the commodification of the underclass, supported by capitalism. The workers stark uniformity consisting of black overalls symbolic of their diminished identity and value as individuals, juxtaposed with the white clothing garments of the upper class, symbolises their purity and illustrious wealth. Lang’s depiction of a dystopian society uses stylistic features of German Expressionism to highlight the exploitation of the underclass contrasted to the benefits received by the rich in Metropolis, emphasising the social and economic disparity in Metropolis, similar to that of the Weimar Republic. Lang’s composition of Metropolis critiques the burgeoning capitalist values of labour exploitation and socio-economic disparity employed in Weimar Germany causing a scarred national psyche as a result of the capitalist values, similar to the dehumanising effects evident in 1984.
Fundamentally, Orwell deploys 1984 to model a warning against the psychological forms of control, exposing his opposition to totalitarianism in fascist Spain and Stalinist Russia. In reminiscence of the extreme fascist and totalitarian regimes imposed by the purges of Stalinist Russia and Hitler’s Nazi Party (specifically the Night of Long Knives), the immediate composure of 1984 subsequently to World War 2, allows Orwell's ideas to be voiced through rhetoric in “the past is dead, the future is unimaginable” warning the British of the destructive ramifications that would occur in the society if a totalitarian authoritarian government were to take place in England. The paradoxical observations made by Orwell of the totalitarianism and fascist societies during his time is reinforced through the manipulation of language illustrated throughout 1984 such as the Party’s delicate engineering of false information such as “two and two makes five” empowering them to indoctrinate and alter the psyche in order to eradicate individual thought and permitting them to subjugate society. Furthermore, the metaphor “if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face-forever” encapsulates the marginalisation of society prompted by the oppressive political regimes dominating a society, thus warning his audience of the catastrophic ramifications of absolute power, similar to the totalitarian regimes employed by Stalin. Orwell's purpose of 1984 is explored through his satirical warning of political paradigms and totalitarian regimes stressing the vulnerability of human psyche as a result of the oligarchical movements post WW2.
Langs perspective of Weimar Germany is paradoxically reflective throughout Metropolis as he warns against the corruptive influence of class disparity resulting in the lower class being abused by the use of technological forms, similarly to the repatriations of World War 1. The mis-en-scene during the “shift change” scene in Metropolis symbolises conformity and the treatment of workers as extensions to the machines as the workers despondent and slouched body language suggest the restrictive social repercussions of industrialisation. Furthermore, the “shift change” foreshadows the deteriorating economic environment in Germany post WW1 as they approach the Great Depression. Freder’s vision of the M-Machine becoming a monster by killing the workers being thrown into the machine is symbolic of the slaves fed to Moloch, the God of Fire, in the ancient Middle East. The films allegorical nature, foreshadows the dangers of society growing dependence on technology, contextually respective of the industrialisation of world cities of the time. The growing dangers can further be seen through the intertextual allusion to the Semitic deity that establishes a socially polarised world where there value of workers is equalised to that of the machines they operate. In addition, the montage of moving machinery such as the gears and cogs, introduces the notion that society works like a machine in order to keep moving, they all must fit together and run smoothly. Lang's critique of capitalist exploitation in Weimar Germany is enriched through the oppression of humanity exercised through technology, similar to Orwell's fear of technology causing dehumanising effects.
Orwell’s composure of 1984, post World War 2, satirically exposes his perspectives, influenced by the ability of political paradigms to indoctrinate individuals through abusing technology as observed in fascist Spain, Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia. The control manifested in the desolate characterisation of Big Brother constantly observing individuals actions through the telescreens coupled with the recurring motif, “Big Brother is watching you” exposes political paradigms abusing technology to control the human spirit. Furthermore, the motif presented by the telescreens, “you had to assume every sound you make was overheard” reveals Orwell's perpetual fear of technology as he foreshadows Britain's behaviour to be similar to that of the Outer Party, subjecting individuals to constant observation and reflecting the inhibition of free speech that was enforced by totalitarianism and Stalin in the Soviet Russia. Orwell's opposition to technology, provoked by his era, reveals his fear of governments seizing their power in order to gain access to individuals private lives, without the individual knowing if they were being subjected to observation at any given moment. The emphatic and direct language communicated in, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” exposes the impact of technological forces on a regimented society, exacerbating lack of freedom leading to catastrophic consequences. Orwell enriches the audience's understanding of the detrimental and explicit methods that control can be abused through the use of technology in 1984, resulting in the oppression of humanity, as similarly explored in Metropolis.
A comparison of Metropolis and 1984 provides the representation of common values and ideas presented in texts, despite differing compositional milieus. The exploration of social stratification and indoctrination through the abuse of technology provides insight of their composers perspectives, and thus the importance of context shaping meaning of a text.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 26, 2017, 02:25:47 am
Hiya,
Just wondering if I can get my essay marked
Thanks so much in advance!! Also I am aware that I still need to make links between the texts in each paragraphs but I need advice on the rest of it hahah
Hey! You certainly can ;D
Essay with Feedback
The dominant contextual concerns arising during the composure of an author's texts enables the author to expose their perspectives of the prevalent ideologies, thus warning their audience of future ramifications. I know what you are trying to say with this Thesis but it seems a little roundabout - You are saying that the concerns of the authors context allows them to explore their perspectives of the concerns of their context. See how it loops on itself? In response to the post World War 2 context, George Orwell's prose fiction, “1984” (1949) satirically condemns the universal concerns regarding the corrosive implications of totalitarian regimes similar to those of Stalin, Franco and Mussolini and the utilisation of technology as an extremist tool for manipulation. Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist film “Metropolis” (1927) operates as a social commentary by criticising the unrestrained capitalist society, creating a corrupting influence on humanity, characterised by labour exploitation and socioeconomic disparity in the Weimar Republic. Nice introduction of texts - I'm looking for a conclusive statement of what we get by studying these TOGETHER. This is a comparative module, I need more comparison.
The social stratification in “Metropolis” enables Lang to characterise a political model that emphasises the pervasive inequity which stems from class division. Good! Nice concept and link to context. Lang's perspectives are conditioned by the Weimar Republic where the repatriations post world war 1, entrenched political and economic instability creating German anxiety and socio economic disparity that occurred from burgeoning capitalistic values. Perhaps a little too much set up for the context, but definitely not too bad. Lang creates a societal subordination through a dystopian perspective of society in order to juxtapose the prosperous minority of the upper class with the majority of impecunious working class. What does this show the audience specifically? In addition, the prevalent class disparity is further presented through the use of parallel editing, accentuating the workers collective disempowerment from the commodification of the underclass, supported by capitalism. What do you mean by, "supported by capitalism?" Watch that your vocabulary and verbose expression doesn't impact on the clarity of your ideas. The workers stark uniformity consisting of black overalls symbolic of their diminished identity and value as individuals, juxtaposed with the white clothing garments of the upper class, symbolises their purity and illustrious wealth. Careful - Be sure to attribute this to Lang, don't talk about the workers by themselves (too close to retell). Lang’s depiction of a dystopian society uses stylistic features of German Expressionism to highlight the exploitation of the underclass contrasted to the benefits received by the rich in Metropolis, emphasising the social and economic disparity in Metropolis, similar to that of the Weimar Republic. Lang’s composition of Metropolis critiques the burgeoning capitalist values of labour exploitation and socio-economic disparity employed in Weimar Germany causing a scarred national psyche as a result of the capitalist values, similar to the dehumanising effects evident in 1984. That last reference to 1984 is empty since it didn't appear in the rest of the paragraph (but I know you are working on this). Solid paragraph, but you need to be referencing the audience a little more - What is it we are taught specifically?
Fundamentally, Orwell deploys 1984 to model a warning against the psychological forms of control, exposing his opposition to totalitarianism in fascist Spain and Stalinist Russia. Perfect topic sentence. In reminiscence of the extreme fascist and totalitarian regimes imposed by the purges of Stalinist Russia and Hitler’s Nazi Party (specifically the Night of Long Knives), the immediate composure of 1984 subsequently to World War 2, allows Orwell's ideas to be voiced through rhetoric in “the past is dead, the future is unimaginable” warning the British of the destructive ramifications that would occur in the society if a totalitarian authoritarian government were to take place in England. That sentence was definitely too long - Perhaps split it into two? Again, be sure to keep things simple and clear - Long and complex sentences can quickly cause confusion! The paradoxical observations made by Orwell of the totalitarianism and fascist societies during his time is reinforced through the manipulation of language illustrated throughout 1984 such as the Party’s delicate engineering of false information such as “two and two makes five” empowering them to indoctrinate and alter the psyche in order to eradicate individual thought and permitting them to subjugate society. Ditto there - I think you are trying to do too much too quickly. Orwell's context, link to the plot of the novel in red, effect on characters in novel. That's a lot! And none of it relates to the audience!. Furthermore, the metaphor “if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face-forever” encapsulates the marginalisation of society prompted by the oppressive political regimes dominating a society, thus warning his audience of the catastrophic ramifications of absolute power, similar to the totalitarian regimes employed by Stalin. THAT was perfect - That is the sentence you need to be writing every time. Direct, to the point, no reliance on the plot of the text. Orwell's purpose of 1984 is explored through his satirical warning of political paradigms and totalitarian regimes stressing the vulnerability of human psyche as a result of the oligarchical movements post WW2. I'd like a more conclusive finish to the paragraph - Thus, Orwell's context is clearly reflected in his composition, as ________ is communicated to the audience.
Langs perspective of Weimar Germany is paradoxically reflective throughout Metropolis as he warns against the corruptive influence of class disparity resulting in the lower class being abused by the use of technological forms, similarly to the repatriations of World War 1. The mis-en-scene during the “shift change” scene in Metropolis symbolises conformity and the treatment of workers as extensions to the machines as the workers despondent and slouched body language suggest the restrictive social repercussions of industrialisation. THIS paragraph on Metropolis has started much more effectively, because it goes into techniques/analysis straight away instead of doing context first. Much more effective. Furthermore, the “shift change” foreshadows the deteriorating economic environment in Germany post WW1 as they approach the Great Depression. Try and mention the audience a little more specifically here - Because it is the contextual audience that this holds meaning for. Part of this module is exploring how different audiences react to the same text! Freder’s vision of the M-Machine becoming a monster by killing the workers being thrown into the machine is symbolic of the slaves fed to Moloch, the God of Fire, in the ancient Middle East. A little too retell-ish. The films allegorical nature, foreshadows the dangers of society growing dependence on technology, contextually respective of the industrialisation of world cities of the time. Excellent. The growing dangers can further be seen through the intertextual allusion to the Semitic deity that establishes a socially polarised world where there value of workers is equalised to that of the machines they operate. In addition, the montage of moving machinery such as the gears and cogs, introduces the notion that society works like a machine in order to keep moving, they all must fit together and run smoothly. A little too colloquial in that last bit of analysis. Further, another reminder to include the audience - Right now you've got fantastic techniques and good explanation of what they achieve on the composers end, what is the effect on our end? Lang's critique of capitalist exploitation in Weimar Germany is enriched through the oppression of humanity exercised through technology, similar to Orwell's fear of technology causing dehumanising effects.
Orwell’s composure of 1984, post World War 2, satirically exposes his perspectives, influenced by the ability of political paradigms to indoctrinate individuals through abusing technology as observed in fascist Spain, Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia. The control manifested in the desolate characterisation of Big Brother constantly observing individuals actions through the telescreens coupled with the recurring motif, “Big Brother is watching you” exposes political paradigms abusing technology to control the human spirit. What is the effect on the audience? Particularly, as a point of potential discussion, how does a modern audience react now that we are seeing many elements of 1984 starting to appear? Furthermore, the motif presented by the telescreens, “you had to assume every sound you make was overheard” reveals Orwell's perpetual fear of technology as he foreshadows Britain's behaviour to be similar to that of the Outer Party, subjecting individuals to constant observation and reflecting the inhibition of free speech that was enforced by totalitarianism and Stalin in the Soviet Russia. Perfect point to make here - See that phrase 'presented by the telescreens?'? That's a plot link, explaining where it fits in the novel - That is unnecessary! The technique can stand alone without explanation of where it fits in virtually every circumstance! Orwell's opposition to technology, provoked by his era, reveals his fear of governments seizing their power in order to gain access to individuals private lives, without the individual knowing if they were being subjected to observation at any given moment. What about the text emphasises this specifically? The best way to bring in contextual info is to do it at the same time as your techniques - "The use of ______ demonstrates Orwell's context of ________," for example. The emphatic and direct language communicated in, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” exposes the impact of technological forces on a regimented society, exacerbating lack of freedom leading to catastrophic consequences. Orwell enriches the audience's understanding of the detrimental and explicit methods that control can be abused through the use of technology in 1984, resulting in the oppression of humanity, as similarly explored in Metropolis.
A comparison of Metropolis and 1984 provides the representation of common values and ideas presented in texts, despite differing compositional milieus. The exploration of social stratification and indoctrination through the abuse of technology provides insight of their composers perspectives, and thus the importance of context shaping meaning of a text. Conclusion too short - I want more detailed link to the Module (what does the comparison of two texts with similar themes give us? Why is it beneficial at all? Plus, more detailed explanation of the texts and a more conclusive finish (though what you have now is great, it could be better, more definitive).
The social stratification in “Metropolis” enables Lang to characterise a political model that emphasises the pervasive inequity which stems from class division. Good! Nice concept and link to context. Lang's perspectives are conditioned by the Weimar Republic where the repatriations post world war 1, entrenched political and economic instability creating German anxiety and socio economic disparity that occurred from burgeoning capitalistic values. Perhaps a little too much set up for the context, but definitely not too bad. Lang creates a societal subordination through a dystopian perspective of society in order to juxtapose the prosperous minority of the upper class with the majority of impecunious working class. What does this show the audience specifically? In addition, the prevalent class disparity is further presented through the use of parallel editing, accentuating the workers collective disempowerment from the commodification of the underclass, supported by capitalism. What do you mean by, "supported by capitalism?" Watch that your vocabulary and verbose expression doesn't impact on the clarity of your ideas. The workers stark uniformity consisting of black overalls symbolic of their diminished identity and value as individuals, juxtaposed with the white clothing garments of the upper class, symbolises their purity and illustrious wealth. Careful - Be sure to attribute this to Lang, don't talk about the workers by themselves (too close to retell). Lang’s depiction of a dystopian society uses stylistic features of German Expressionism to highlight the exploitation of the underclass contrasted to the benefits received by the rich in Metropolis, emphasising the social and economic disparity in Metropolis, similar to that of the Weimar Republic. Lang’s composition of Metropolis critiques the burgeoning capitalist values of labour exploitation and socio-economic disparity employed in Weimar Germany causing a scarred national psyche as a result of the capitalist values, similar to the dehumanising effects evident in 1984. That last reference to 1984 is empty since it didn't appear in the rest of the paragraph (but I know you are working on this). Solid paragraph, but you need to be referencing the audience a little more - What is it we are taught specifically?
Fundamentally, Orwell deploys 1984 to model a warning against the psychological forms of control, exposing his opposition to totalitarianism in fascist Spain and Stalinist Russia. Perfect topic sentence. In reminiscence of the extreme fascist and totalitarian regimes imposed by the purges of Stalinist Russia and Hitler’s Nazi Party (specifically the Night of Long Knives), the immediate composure of 1984 subsequently to World War 2, allows Orwell's ideas to be voiced through rhetoric in “the past is dead, the future is unimaginable” warning the British of the destructive ramifications that would occur in the society if a totalitarian authoritarian government were to take place in England. That sentence was definitely too long - Perhaps split it into two? Again, be sure to keep things simple and clear - Long and complex sentences can quickly cause confusion! The paradoxical observations made by Orwell of the totalitarianism and fascist societies during his time is reinforced through the manipulation of language illustrated throughout 1984 such as the Party’s delicate engineering of false information such as “two and two makes five” empowering them to indoctrinate and alter the psyche in order to eradicate individual thought and permitting them to subjugate society. Ditto there - I think you are trying to do too much too quickly. Orwell's context, link to the plot of the novel in red, effect on characters in novel. That's a lot! And none of it relates to the audience!. Furthermore, the metaphor “if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face-forever” encapsulates the marginalisation of society prompted by the oppressive political regimes dominating a society, thus warning his audience of the catastrophic ramifications of absolute power, similar to the totalitarian regimes employed by Stalin. THAT was perfect - That is the sentence you need to be writing every time. Direct, to the point, no reliance on the plot of the text. Orwell's purpose of 1984 is explored through his satirical warning of political paradigms and totalitarian regimes stressing the vulnerability of human psyche as a result of the oligarchical movements post WW2. I'd like a more conclusive finish to the paragraph - Thus, Orwell's context is clearly reflected in his composition, as ________ is communicated to the audience.
Langs perspective of Weimar Germany is paradoxically reflective throughout Metropolis as he warns against the corruptive influence of class disparity resulting in the lower class being abused by the use of technological forms, similarly to the repatriations of World War 1. The mis-en-scene during the “shift change” scene in Metropolis symbolises conformity and the treatment of workers as extensions to the machines as the workers despondent and slouched body language suggest the restrictive social repercussions of industrialisation. THIS paragraph on Metropolis has started much more effectively, because it goes into techniques/analysis straight away instead of doing context first. Much more effective. Furthermore, the “shift change” foreshadows the deteriorating economic environment in Germany post WW1 as they approach the Great Depression. Try and mention the audience a little more specifically here - Because it is the contextual audience that this holds meaning for. Part of this module is exploring how different audiences react to the same text! Freder’s vision of the M-Machine becoming a monster by killing the workers being thrown into the machine is symbolic of the slaves fed to Moloch, the God of Fire, in the ancient Middle East. A little too retell-ish. The films allegorical nature, foreshadows the dangers of society growing dependence on technology, contextually respective of the industrialisation of world cities of the time. Excellent. The growing dangers can further be seen through the intertextual allusion to the Semitic deity that establishes a socially polarised world where there value of workers is equalised to that of the machines they operate. In addition, the montage of moving machinery such as the gears and cogs, introduces the notion that society works like a machine in order to keep moving, they all must fit together and run smoothly. A little too colloquial in that last bit of analysis. Further, another reminder to include the audience - Right now you've got fantastic techniques and good explanation of what they achieve on the composers end, what is the effect on our end? Lang's critique of capitalist exploitation in Weimar Germany is enriched through the oppression of humanity exercised through technology, similar to Orwell's fear of technology causing dehumanising effects.
Orwell’s composure of 1984, post World War 2, satirically exposes his perspectives, influenced by the ability of political paradigms to indoctrinate individuals through abusing technology as observed in fascist Spain, Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia. The control manifested in the desolate characterisation of Big Brother constantly observing individuals actions through the telescreens coupled with the recurring motif, “Big Brother is watching you” exposes political paradigms abusing technology to control the human spirit. What is the effect on the audience? Particularly, as a point of potential discussion, how does a modern audience react now that we are seeing many elements of 1984 starting to appear? Furthermore, the motif presented by the telescreens, “you had to assume every sound you make was overheard” reveals Orwell's perpetual fear of technology as he foreshadows Britain's behaviour to be similar to that of the Outer Party, subjecting individuals to constant observation and reflecting the inhibition of free speech that was enforced by totalitarianism and Stalin in the Soviet Russia. Perfect point to make here - See that phrase 'presented by the telescreens?'? That's a plot link, explaining where it fits in the novel - That is unnecessary! The technique can stand alone without explanation of where it fits in virtually every circumstance! Orwell's opposition to technology, provoked by his era, reveals his fear of governments seizing their power in order to gain access to individuals private lives, without the individual knowing if they were being subjected to observation at any given moment. What about the text emphasises this specifically? The best way to bring in contextual info is to do it at the same time as your techniques - "The use of ______ demonstrates Orwell's context of ________," for example. The emphatic and direct language communicated in, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” exposes the impact of technological forces on a regimented society, exacerbating lack of freedom leading to catastrophic consequences. Orwell enriches the audience's understanding of the detrimental and explicit methods that control can be abused through the use of technology in 1984, resulting in the oppression of humanity, as similarly explored in Metropolis.
A comparison of Metropolis and 1984 provides the representation of common values and ideas presented in texts, despite differing compositional milieus. The exploration of social stratification and indoctrination through the abuse of technology provides insight of their composers perspectives, and thus the importance of context shaping meaning of a text. Conclusion too short - I want more detailed link to the Module (what does the comparison of two texts with similar themes give us? Why is it beneficial at all? Plus, more detailed explanation of the texts and a more conclusive finish (though what you have now is great, it could be better, more definitive).
This is a great essay! Some great conceptual ideas - My big comment on this is the lack of comparison. which you already know needs work. Not only in the paragraphs, it also needs to play a much greater role in the Thesis. Right now it feels like you are analysing two texts separately, and that is definitely not the goal for this Module! ;D
Trusting that you've got that under control, some other notes (see the comments throughout too!):
- Especially in your earlier paragraphs, you had some quite verbose expression. At times it impacted on the clarity of your ideas. Simple and direct is often the best way to communicate concepts in English!
- Make more references to the audience - Not only us as the reader but also contextual audiences, audiences across history. Similar themes have been explored in these texts but 50 years apart - How do you think the reactions differ?
- You are doing a great job avoiding retell; but still a few places to tidy. See within!
- Great concepts, really clever thinking, and FANTASTIC links between those concepts and context. You've nailed the context part of this Module, that's for sure!
Overall, awesome script and you are in a great position. It sounds like you know the direction you are heading in - More comparison! Do that and you'll be well on the way to a Band 6 worthy essay! ;D
Post by: Nialllovespie on February 26, 2017, 07:56:20 am
Is there any chance you can suggest how I can further link/compare the two texts? I know it's a major flaw in my essay but I'm not sure how to go about it
Also, sorry I was just thoroughly reading through and editing my essay but with this sentence
"Furthermore, the motif presented by the telescreens, “you had to assume every sound you make was overheard” reveals Orwell's perpetual fear of technology as he foreshadows Britain's behaviour to be similar to ". You mentioned to not have plot link. Should I still mention the telescreens? If so how? Can I say something like
"The motif of the telescreens"
Is that less plot link?
Thanks a tonne for all your help
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 26, 2017, 01:17:08 pm
Hiya!! Thank you so much for your feedback!! It's so much better than what my teacher gives me
Is there any chance you can suggest how I can further link/compare the two texts? I know it's a major flaw in my essay but I'm not sure how to go about it
You are welcome!
The easiest way would be to integrate your response - Which is a hard ask, but it does make the comparison easier when you are talking about both texts in the same paragraph. So it would be, pick a theme, and write a paragraph on it that covers both texts. You are sort of doing this now, but just in a two paragraph chunk. Having it together means you can do things like, conversely, Orwell instead seeks to accentuate _________ - Those sort of linking sentences are what I'm looking for.
You can do it in a block format as you are doing now, but you need to throw in some little comparisons here and there, before the conclusion. So while you are talking about Metropolis, throw in a quick, this is similar to Orwell's use of ____ in his text, or something. Just little comparisons throughout. Though you could say that by the time you do this, you may as well just integrate.
Quote
Also, sorry I was just thoroughly reading through and editing my essay but with this sentence
"Furthermore, the motif presented by the telescreens, “you had to assume every sound you make was overheard” reveals Orwell's perpetual fear of technology as he foreshadows Britain's behaviour to be similar to ". You mentioned to not have plot link. Should I still mention the telescreens? If so how? Can I say something like
"The motif of the telescreens"
Is that less plot link?
Thanks a tonne for all your help
Hmm, so the idea was to ditch the telescreens and to just say "the motif" - Jumping straight into the quote. But reading it again now (and perhaps a little more energised than I was at 2:30am ;) ) I think the telescreens is essential to understanding it. So you are probably free to just ignore that comment, aha sorry! ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 02, 2017, 07:52:59 pm
A discovery is the action or process of discovering or being discovered. Furthermor, it can be sudden, and unexpected, or it can emerge from a process of deliberate and careful planning. To add more, the main text “ Go Back To Where You Came From” will clearly b analysed with the connection of discovery. Further, The picture book The “ Arrival” will also be analysed, and interacted with the concept of discovery. The discovery that will play a major role within these two texts is that discoveries is unexpected, and careful planning. Overall, these two texts will succeed within the concept of discovery.
Hey there, welcome to the forums! I'll give you some quick feedback on a little segment I picked up:
However, when Ray finally begins her discoveries within the household of the Masudi’s, Ray begins to enter the household, thus she was hit from an unexpected, sudden, emotionally of Masara’s story. This demonstrated her shift on refugees of the discoveries that she progressed through the story of the African refugees told by Masara. This is highlighted when it connects her emotionally where she claims I had no idea it was so bad. I mean, to have a sick baby and because she has no money, the baby dies how do you live with that’’. This conveys to the audience that ‘emotional’ shift through the character Ray as she finally understands consequences of the refugees in that household. This leads her towards new discoveries of the refugees. This shows the similarities between the novel the Arrival, as the protagonist was also hit with an unexpected, and sudden possibilities of discoveries. Through both texts the significance of emotional and spiritual discoveries are evident.
This part here recounts the text more than it does analyses it. Although you link it back to different types of discoveries well, we aren't digging into how O'Mahoney achieves this. Analysing the filmic techniques is important for achieving a really strong response - because it shows that you understand the conventions of a text and how they shape meaning, rather than just the ideas put forward. TEEL - Technique, evidence, effect, link, isn't a bad way to think about approaching each segment of your paragraph. Making sure you tick each of those parts off will ensure you're always bringing the text back to your ideas through a strong analysis of the text.
In order to get this piece fully marked, you need to have 15 posts on the ATAR Notes forums. Not so difficult - hang around a few days and ask some questions, even answer some questions, we're here to help :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 05, 2017, 09:04:50 am
Hi! Could I please have this checked? My texts are Richard III and Looking for Richard. Also, could I please get a rough mark out of 20 for it? Thankssss :)
Hey Shreya_ajoshi. I can absolutely look at this for you. I will say, the question you've been given is somewhat unusual in that it places "your" in the main barrel of the question. Usually they put the "your understanding" as a separate section. Not to fear - just worth noting that it isn't a typical question!
I'll put the comments in the spoiler here :)
Spoiler
Discuss how the study of Richard III and Looking for Richard has broadened your understanding of the nature of power
An individual is able to gain a more enriched perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that the desire and attainment of power may have corrupting consequences. "through understanding the corrupting consequences of the lust for, and attainment of, power." I think just switching this around will put the focus more on the corrupting consequences, which seems to be the original point. William Shakespeare’s play King Richard III (KR) and Al Pacino’s modern docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) exploresthat the nature of power transcends time and has an ongoing relevance either positive or negative regardless of the different contexts. This last sentence doesn't make much sense. The texts explore "the nature of power transcends time?" Perhaps, both texts are a "testament to the pursuit of power being relevant to human discourse through time." This way you take away the positive or negative (which doesn't add much to the conversation because you aren't arguing either side) and you shorten it, whilst still giving it a punchy wording. The contextual comparison between these texts is revealed through the portrayal of ideas of deceit and manipulation, evil and corruption. These ideas help to broaden an individual’s understanding of the essence of power. I really like "essence of power" I think it sounds really nice. I do think that this last sentence is a bit flimsy, it doesn't really do much except end the introduction. Perhaps mention the different forms as being vehicles for the essence of power to be explored.
Shakespeare’s Richard’s ascent to power is through nefarious means of deceit and manipulation. I think the paragraph would be more powerful if you didn't mention Shakespeare's Richard off the bat, and instead just proposed a notion about evil/deceit/power that you wish to explore in the paragraph. Like a discovery topic statement. I think this will give you a tone of sophistication but also a point to head back to for your argument. His desire for power is strongly conveyed in the opening soliloquy “I am determined to prove a villain,” indicating his yearning to seize the throne, informing the audience that he will wield his skills of theatricality and language to strengthen his villainous intentions of gaining political power. Evident in his attempt to woo Lady Anne, Richard uses dramatic irony in KR to attain power, seen in “take her in her hearts extremist hate.” Richard was practising the maxim of the Renaissance writer Machiavelli where the “end justifies the means”, a political philosophy that is still practised in modern times, ultimately highlighting Richard’s intense desire of absolute power. Nice use of the quote! Pacino chooses to lengthen this scene in his rendition of the historical play to reveal Richard’s true deceitful nature, that previously otherwise the modern audience may not have understood. Pacino chooses specific scenes from the play to highlight Richard’s skill as an orator; showcasing the cutting of Anne’s lines to use his words to convince and manipulate others .Then cuts of Pacino in modern attire grinning at the camera make a connection between the quintessential actor and director, as Pacino visually delights in Richard’s skill of manipulation. This connection between the Shakespearean and the contemporary’s world lust for power illustrates that there will always be those who desire power at any cost using deceit and manipulation as the tools to achieve it. I think you've integrated well here, but sometimes the wording isn't clear and it downgrades the cohesiveness of your argument. So you're dealing with two texts at once well, but we're missing out on clarity. I've adjusted a few times, but I suggest reading the paragraph out loud to work out where things jar.
Richard is the embodiment of evil seen through his use of power to facilitate evil deeds. In KR, Richard is depicted as extremely malevolent as murdering Clarence defines Richard as an operator of Free Will breaking the code of honour by betraying his family, palpable through the iniquitous tone in “dispatch this thing.” This first sentence is very long and needs to be edited to be clear. Again, a conceptual statement about the nature of evil and power that you will explore could be beneficial, although not necessary for the highest marks. Shakespeare’s reason for such a representation lies in his purpose in writing KR to support the legitimacy of Tudor dynasty by demonising the last Yorkist King thus endowing Elizabeth I with The Divine Right of Kings. In the transformation in LFR, an overhead and low angle shot depicts Richard high on a staircase, establishing Pacino as a powerful figure and director of the scene. The conspiratorial atmosphere is contrasted by a cut to the murder of Clarence where he is symbolically dressed in white, connoting innocence and purity. The ongoing dramatization dramatisation* of his death through non-diegetic music, along with the altered death scene of Clarence being stabbed first and then being drowned in wine, adds depth and suspense to the scene for the modern de sensitised audience helping Pacino brings Shakespeare’s language to life by it making more accessible the cultural and artistic legacy more relevant. Another long sentence that could be cut into two for ease of reading. You've got excellent analysis here - don't think that it all needs to be in the same sentence to compound. You've got lots of room to work here :) Pacino visually demonstrates that the attainment of power prompts an individual to perform evil deeds made more understandable to the modern audiences, by using dramatic film techniques. We don't relate to the question enough in this paragraph.
Due to Richard’s extreme abuse of power, he eventually becomes corrupted, evident in the nightmare scene and the Battle of Bosworth. The idea of psychological degeneration due to Richard’s guilt for defiling the Great Chain of Being and transgressing Christian values is accentuated by Shakespeare in the juxtaposition of Richard and Richmond in “rape and villainy” against “love and prosperity” which makes Richard aware of the hateful deeds he has performed. This is strategically reshaped by textual form in Pacino’s text. The grand crescendoing music reflects Shakespearean divine retribution as a grand ideology while fast and sharp transitional cuts reflect Richard’s fragmented and broken mindset due to Richard’s actions of going against this ideology. The breakdown of visual flexibility in cut-away’ s give interspersion to the consequence of Richard’s abuse of power. Further, his internal morality being degraded is theatrically represented by the use of two narrator’s voices and shots of Pacino in and out of character. During some parts of the soliloquy, the choice and use of shots/cuts make it seem like Pacino and Richard are arguing with one another, in the way that Richard is arguing with himself, strongly emphasises how badly power has corrupted him making the nature of power more accessible to the modern audience. Pacino via method-acting, acts out the majority of the nightmare and battle scene, compared to the short coverage of other scenes as he wanted to climax the events. By highlighting these events, he makes relevant that the previous emergence of dictators such as Hitler and Mussolini, similar to Richard, were a significant reminder of the tragic consequences when power is abused by ruthless individuals and such that the corruption that occurs from different contexts transcends time. Both texts place strong emphasis on the terrible consequences of subverting your humanity for power. You're dealing with Looking for Richard with great confidence!
Therefore, an individual is able to gain a more embellished Maybe not the right word? Embellished has connotations of decorative, extra, aesthetic.. perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that attainment of power has the ability to corrupt an individual. The comparison of King Richard III and Looking for Richard and the consideration of contextual changes made, allow one to understand and broaden their perspective that the nature of power is a universal concept.
An individual is able to gain a more enriched perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that the desire and attainment of power may have corrupting consequences. "through understanding the corrupting consequences of the lust for, and attainment of, power." I think just switching this around will put the focus more on the corrupting consequences, which seems to be the original point. William Shakespeare’s play King Richard III (KR) and Al Pacino’s modern docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) explores
Shakespeare’s Richard’s ascent to power is through nefarious means of deceit and manipulation. I think the paragraph would be more powerful if you didn't mention Shakespeare's Richard off the bat, and instead just proposed a notion about evil/deceit/power that you wish to explore in the paragraph. Like a discovery topic statement. I think this will give you a tone of sophistication but also a point to head back to for your argument. His desire for power is strongly conveyed in the opening soliloquy “I am determined to prove a villain,” indicating his yearning to seize the throne, informing the audience that he will wield his skills of theatricality and language to strengthen his villainous intentions of gaining political power. Evident in his attempt to woo Lady Anne, Richard uses dramatic irony in KR to attain power, seen in “take her in her hearts extremist hate.” Richard was practising the maxim of the Renaissance writer Machiavelli where the “end justifies the means”, a political philosophy that is still practised in modern times, ultimately highlighting Richard’s intense desire of absolute power. Nice use of the quote! Pacino chooses to lengthen this scene in his rendition of the historical play to reveal Richard’s true deceitful nature, that
Richard is the embodiment of evil seen through his use of power to facilitate evil deeds. In KR, Richard is depicted as extremely malevolent as murdering Clarence defines Richard as an operator of Free Will breaking the code of honour by betraying his family, palpable through the iniquitous tone in “dispatch this thing.” This first sentence is very long and needs to be edited to be clear. Again, a conceptual statement about the nature of evil and power that you will explore could be beneficial, although not necessary for the highest marks. Shakespeare’s reason for such a representation lies in his purpose in writing KR to support the legitimacy of Tudor dynasty by demonising the last Yorkist King thus endowing Elizabeth I with The Divine Right of Kings. In the transformation in LFR, an overhead and low angle shot depicts Richard high on a staircase, establishing Pacino as a powerful figure and director of the scene. The conspiratorial atmosphere is contrasted by a cut to the murder of Clarence where he is symbolically dressed in white, connoting innocence and purity. The ongoing dramatization dramatisation* of his death through non-diegetic music, along with the altered death scene of Clarence being stabbed first and then being drowned in wine, adds depth and suspense to the scene for the modern de sensitised audience helping Pacino brings Shakespeare’s language to life by it making more accessible the cultural and artistic legacy more relevant. Another long sentence that could be cut into two for ease of reading. You've got excellent analysis here - don't think that it all needs to be in the same sentence to compound. You've got lots of room to work here :) Pacino visually demonstrates that the attainment of power prompts an individual to perform evil deeds made more understandable to the modern audiences, by using dramatic film techniques. We don't relate to the question enough in this paragraph.
Due to Richard’s extreme abuse of power, he eventually becomes corrupted, evident in the nightmare scene and the Battle of Bosworth. The idea of psychological degeneration due to Richard’s guilt for defiling the Great Chain of Being and transgressing Christian values is accentuated by Shakespeare in the juxtaposition of Richard and Richmond in “rape and villainy” against “love and prosperity” which makes Richard aware of the hateful deeds he has performed. This is strategically reshaped by textual form in Pacino’s text. The grand crescendoing music reflects Shakespearean divine retribution as a grand ideology while fast and sharp transitional cuts reflect Richard’s fragmented and broken mindset due to Richard’s actions of going against this ideology. The breakdown of visual flexibility in cut-away’ s give interspersion to the consequence of Richard’s abuse of power. Further, his internal morality being degraded is theatrically represented by the use of two narrator’s voices and shots of Pacino in and out of character. During some parts of the soliloquy, the choice and use of shots/cuts make it seem like Pacino and Richard are arguing with one another, in the way that Richard is arguing with himself, strongly emphasises how badly power has corrupted him making the nature of power more accessible to the modern audience. Pacino via method-acting, acts out the majority of the nightmare and battle scene, compared to the short coverage of other scenes as he wanted to climax the events. By highlighting these events, he makes relevant that the previous emergence of dictators such as Hitler and Mussolini, similar to Richard, were a significant reminder of the tragic consequences when power is abused by ruthless individuals and such that the corruption that occurs from different contexts transcends time. Both texts place strong emphasis on the terrible consequences of subverting your humanity for power. You're dealing with Looking for Richard with great confidence!
Therefore, an individual is able to gain a more embellished Maybe not the right word? Embellished has connotations of decorative, extra, aesthetic.. perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that attainment of power has the ability to corrupt an individual. The comparison of King Richard III and Looking for Richard and the consideration of contextual changes made, allow one to understand and broaden their perspective that the nature of power is a universal concept.
It is implied to me that you're more comfortable with Looking for Richard than you are with the original text. The original text, in my opinion, needs more time in your work. It is just too brief at the moment, and being the parent text, we need to give it the time it deserves. In order to understand how Pacino has reshaped something, we need to understand the original shape of it. There could be more emphasis on the delivery to context as well - there's a great sentence about the context of Shakespeare up there, but it needs to be connected more to the analysis of why he made such literary decisions. This will come with a greater exploration of Shakespeare's texts as opposed to Pacino's. You do Pacino wonderfully - hold onto it! It's just about elevating the Shakespearean side of things now.
I also think that to build a stronger argument, and relate to the question more specifically, we should be opening with a unique statement about the nature of power you wish to explore for each paragraph. At the moment, the paragraph's are quite similar in their argument, and don't really show a unique response to the question. I know you have unique ideas, because it's hinted in your analysis. But actually responding to this in the very first sentence of a paragraph will force you to link back to the idea more consistently, thus threading a stronger argument through your work. I don't often give marks for essays, I don't have criteria on hand. But, I'd put this at a 13 out of 20, I think. Simply by boosting your treatment of Shakespeare, you'd be boosting this by 2 marks. Working on your clarity of expression is worth a mark or two as well, and then when you respond to the question stronger, in the unique way you implied in your introduction, you'll be itching towards the top marks. Obviously cohesion is key for the best marks! Good luck :) You've got the solid foundations for a perfect essay here, it's just about building it up now :)
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on March 05, 2017, 11:27:37 am
Hey Shreya_ajoshi. I can absolutely look at this for you. I will say, the question you've been given is somewhat unusual in that it places "your" in the main barrel of the question. Usually they put the "your understanding" as a separate section. Not to fear - just worth noting that it isn't a typical question!
I'll put the comments in the spoiler here :)SpoilerDiscuss how the study of Richard III and Looking for Richard has broadened your understanding of the nature of power
An individual is able to gain a more enriched perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that the desire and attainment of power may have corrupting consequences. "through understanding the corrupting consequences of the lust for, and attainment of, power." I think just switching this around will put the focus more on the corrupting consequences, which seems to be the original point. William Shakespeare’s play King Richard III (KR) and Al Pacino’s modern docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) exploresthatthe nature of power transcends time and has an ongoing relevance either positive or negative regardless of the different contexts. This last sentence doesn't make much sense. The texts explore "the nature of power transcends time?" Perhaps, both texts are a "testament to the pursuit of power being relevant to human discourse through time." This way you take away the positive or negative (which doesn't add much to the conversation because you aren't arguing either side) and you shorten it, whilst still giving it a punchy wording. The contextual comparison between these texts is revealed through the portrayal of ideas of deceit and manipulation, evil and corruption. These ideas help to broaden an individual’s understanding of the essence of power. I really like "essence of power" I think it sounds really nice. I do think that this last sentence is a bit flimsy, it doesn't really do much except end the introduction. Perhaps mention the different forms as being vehicles for the essence of power to be explored.
Shakespeare’s Richard’s ascent to power is through nefarious means of deceit and manipulation. I think the paragraph would be more powerful if you didn't mention Shakespeare's Richard off the bat, and instead just proposed a notion about evil/deceit/power that you wish to explore in the paragraph. Like a discovery topic statement. I think this will give you a tone of sophistication but also a point to head back to for your argument. His desire for power is strongly conveyed in the opening soliloquy “I am determined to prove a villain,” indicating his yearning to seize the throne, informing the audience that he will wield his skills of theatricality and language to strengthen his villainous intentions of gaining political power. Evident in his attempt to woo Lady Anne, Richard uses dramatic irony in KR to attain power, seen in “take her in her hearts extremist hate.” Richard was practising the maxim of the Renaissance writer Machiavelli where the “end justifies the means”, a political philosophy that is still practised in modern times, ultimately highlighting Richard’s intense desire of absolute power. Nice use of the quote! Pacino chooses to lengthen this scene in his rendition of the historical play to reveal Richard’s true deceitful nature, thatpreviouslyotherwise the modern audience may not have understood. Pacino chooses specific scenes from the play to highlight Richard’s skill as an orator; showcasing the cutting of Anne’s lines to use his words to convince and manipulate others .Thencuts of Pacino in modern attire grinning at the camera make a connection between the quintessential actor and director, as Pacino visually delights in Richard’s skill of manipulation. This connection between the Shakespearean and the contemporary’s world lust for power illustrates that there will always be those who desire power at any cost using deceit and manipulation as the tools to achieve it. I think you've integrated well here, but sometimes the wording isn't clear and it downgrades the cohesiveness of your argument. So you're dealing with two texts at once well, but we're missing out on clarity. I've adjusted a few times, but I suggest reading the paragraph out loud to work out where things jar.
Richard is the embodiment of evil seen through his use of power to facilitate evil deeds. In KR, Richard is depicted as extremely malevolent as murdering Clarence defines Richard as an operator of Free Will breaking the code of honour by betraying his family, palpable through the iniquitous tone in “dispatch this thing.” This first sentence is very long and needs to be edited to be clear. Again, a conceptual statement about the nature of evil and power that you will explore could be beneficial, although not necessary for the highest marks. Shakespeare’s reason for such a representation lies in his purpose in writing KR to support the legitimacy of Tudor dynasty by demonising the last Yorkist King thus endowing Elizabeth I with The Divine Right of Kings. In the transformation in LFR, an overhead and low angle shot depicts Richard high on a staircase, establishing Pacino as a powerful figure and director of the scene. The conspiratorial atmosphere is contrasted by a cut to the murder of Clarence where he is symbolically dressed in white, connoting innocence and purity. The ongoing dramatization dramatisation* of his death through non-diegetic music, along with the altered death scene of Clarence being stabbed first and then being drowned in wine, adds depth and suspense to the scene for the modern de sensitised audience helping Pacino brings Shakespeare’s language to life by it making more accessible the cultural and artistic legacy more relevant. Another long sentence that could be cut into two for ease of reading. You've got excellent analysis here - don't think that it all needs to be in the same sentence to compound. You've got lots of room to work here :) Pacino visually demonstrates that the attainment of power prompts an individual to perform evil deeds made more understandable to the modern audiences, by using dramatic film techniques. We don't relate to the question enough in this paragraph.
Due to Richard’s extreme abuse of power, he eventually becomes corrupted, evident in the nightmare scene and the Battle of Bosworth. The idea of psychological degeneration due to Richard’s guilt for defiling the Great Chain of Being and transgressing Christian values is accentuated by Shakespeare in the juxtaposition of Richard and Richmond in “rape and villainy” against “love and prosperity” which makes Richard aware of the hateful deeds he has performed. This is strategically reshaped by textual form in Pacino’s text. The grand crescendoing music reflects Shakespearean divine retribution as a grand ideology while fast and sharp transitional cuts reflect Richard’s fragmented and broken mindset due to Richard’s actions of going against this ideology. The breakdown of visual flexibility in cut-away’ s give interspersion to the consequence of Richard’s abuse of power. Further, his internal morality being degraded is theatrically represented by the use of two narrator’s voices and shots of Pacino in and out of character. During some parts of the soliloquy, the choice and use of shots/cuts make it seem like Pacino and Richard are arguing with one another, in the way that Richard is arguing with himself, strongly emphasises how badly power has corrupted him making the nature of power more accessible to the modern audience. Pacino via method-acting, acts out the majority of the nightmare and battle scene, compared to the short coverage of other scenes as he wanted to climax the events. By highlighting these events, he makes relevant that the previous emergence of dictators such as Hitler and Mussolini, similar to Richard, were a significant reminder of the tragic consequences when power is abused by ruthless individuals and such that the corruption that occurs from different contexts transcends time. Both texts place strong emphasis on the terrible consequences of subverting your humanity for power. You're dealing with Looking for Richard with great confidence!
Therefore, an individual is able to gain a more embellished Maybe not the right word? Embellished has connotations of decorative, extra, aesthetic.. perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that attainment of power has the ability to corrupt an individual. The comparison of King Richard III and Looking for Richard and the consideration of contextual changes made, allow one to understand and broaden their perspective that the nature of power is a universal concept.
It is implied to me that you're more comfortable with Looking for Richard than you are with the original text. The original text, in my opinion, needs more time in your work. It is just too brief at the moment, and being the parent text, we need to give it the time it deserves. In order to understand how Pacino has reshaped something, we need to understand the original shape of it. There could be more emphasis on the delivery to context as well - there's a great sentence about the context of Shakespeare up there, but it needs to be connected more to the analysis of why he made such literary decisions. This will come with a greater exploration of Shakespeare's texts as opposed to Pacino's. You do Pacino wonderfully - hold onto it! It's just about elevating the Shakespearean side of things now.
I also think that to build a stronger argument, and relate to the question more specifically, we should be opening with a unique statement about the nature of power you wish to explore for each paragraph. At the moment, the paragraph's are quite similar in their argument, and don't really show a unique response to the question. I know you have unique ideas, because it's hinted in your analysis. But actually responding to this in the very first sentence of a paragraph will force you to link back to the idea more consistently, thus threading a stronger argument through your work. I don't often give marks for essays, I don't have criteria on hand. But, I'd put this at a 13 out of 20, I think. Simply by boosting your treatment of Shakespeare, you'd be boosting this by 2 marks. Working on your clarity of expression is worth a mark or two as well, and then when you respond to the question stronger, in the unique way you implied in your introduction, you'll be itching towards the top marks. Obviously cohesion is key for the best marks! Good luck :) You've got the solid foundations for a perfect essay here, it's just about building it up now :)
Hi! Thank you for checking it. So in order to give Shakespeare's play more attention, should I cut out some Looking FOr Richard parts in my last paragraph (could you please tell me which ones I should cut out) and then add in more content from Shakespeare's play. To add more of Shakespeare's analysis in my last paragraph, I am planning to add this: The battle speeches of these two leaders, makes evident the corruptive nature of power. Richmond asks his men to remember the beauty of the land they are protecting from a tyrant while in contrast Richard mocks the enemy soldiers “a scum of Bretons and base lackey peasants.” The use of plosive consonants demonstrates the extremely profane attitude of Richard as a result of abusing power, making him lose his immorality, resulting in a corrupted state of mind.
I have fixed my opening sentence to this:An individual is able to gain a more enriched perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that power is a corruptive force due to one’s extreme desire and attainment of it.
Is that a stronger opening sentence which answers the question? If not, how could I fix it.
Thanks for your help :)
Post by: scyouknow13 on March 05, 2017, 12:10:34 pm
Could you just check if my arguments make sense, if I link well, if its structured well and everything flows well. I know its really last minute but my essay is actually due tomorrow so any feedback as soon as possible would be helpful. Here is my essay:
Representation is powerful however power in itself is a flawed concept born from the politics of humanity, an imperfect Machiavellian existence. Didactic composers utilise representation to manipulate their audience and explore confronting concepts, often too difficult for the them to process alone within the confines of their constructed reality. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World challenges the audience’s perspective of modern society through various characters and poses the imminent question, what does it mean to be powerful? Power however is a notion that originates from the imperfect intellect of humanity and hence can never exist without fault. While Brave New World highlights how power brings stability, The Backwater Gospel directed by Bo Mathorne disputes this by displaying how power can lead to the destruction of a society. Furthermore, it explains how true power can only exist through the consent of the submitters. Power is therefore not an object to be possessed by one individual but rather a fluctuating relationship between a composer and their audience that requires balance to be effective.
Representation is a highly manipulative instrument that allows a composer to wield compelling omnipotence over their audience and promote a certain agenda. Every text is a construction and reflection of its author and hence there can never be a true depiction of any idea. Huxley’s creation of the World State is an extension of his pursuit for power and influence over those blinded by consumerism and ignorance. His initial use of scientific jargon to instil a feeling inferiority within the audience as they attempt to process the ‘optimum temperature, salinity, viscosity’ of the liquor in which ‘detached and ripened eggs were kept’. Their first encounter with the World State is confronting and almost disturbs the audience as they are presented with a world of inverted values. His satirical portrayal of the World State is a response to, as he states, America’s ‘radical alteration of established standards’. John’s experience in the World State presents him with an option to either live a life of insanity in the World State or a life of a primitive in the Savage Reservation. Huxley explains in his forward that there is no option of sanity for John. His intention was to show society that sanity is the very thing individuals should be striving to achieve rather than the materialistic commodities forced upon them by those in power. Bernard Marx is originally the voice of the audience as he is shown to feel unsettled by the norms of the World State. This is highlighted in his helicopter flight with Lenina where he states that staring at the sea made him feel like ‘not just a cell in the social body’. These feelings however are never truly explored as he becomes controlled by his own feelings of inadequacy and need to be valued by others. Bernard eventually conforms to the ideals of the World State and chooses to ‘Never put off till tomorrow the fun you can have today’ as told to him by Lenina. The audience observes the loss of identity that results from being a slave to their own desires and materialism. His ability to control the audience through his construction displays the power that a composer has over the thoughts of others.
In a different light, Bo Mathorne uses the Backwater Gospel to depict how the power of representation can lead to the destruction of a society. The priest who has the most power over the town of Backwater presents religion through fear to gain control over the people. He preaches about how ‘One bad apple and the whole barrel is spoiled!’ to fuel hatred for the Tramp who refused to be controlled by the priest. The priest convinces the people during his sermons that those that follow him are sinless. This is highlighted when the priest states ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’, a biblical allusion, and the whole town raises their stones to murder the Tramp as though they were all infallible. This exhibits how representation is powerful enough to lead to the ultimate destruction of a society.
Power is a flawed notion as it is born from a dichotomy of an individual exerting dominance over another. The individual being influenced must consent in return and validate this dominance. Huxley’s portrayal of the World State has a profound impact on the audience as they realise their own ‘truth’ about the world around them. Despite this, his novel is only able to have such an effect because it is immortalised by the audience throughout time. Huxley’s power is therefore in the hands of the audience. In a similar way, Mustapha Mond is a manifestation of Huxley as his power too depends on the citizens of the World State and their consent. Lenina recalls as a child when she awoke in the night and heard the hypnopaedia lessons that ‘Epsilons are useful’. Her feelings of fear at the time show that she was aware of her conditioning but by allowing herself to go back to sleep, she lost her power. In this way, she gave Mustapha Mond command over her as his power is dependent on whether her conditioning remains intact. Lenina’s gaze at the moon for the first time, an action considered abnormal, highlights the cracks in her conditioning. Mond’s power over others therefore is only an illusion. Though Mond states to Bernard ‘I make the laws here, I can also break them…which I’m afraid you can’t’, his influence over others is limited to physical control as he has no power over the thoughts of every individual. ‘It was only quite recently that, grown aware of his mental excess’ did Helmholtz realise that the ideals of the World State were not something he agreed with. He explains how he has a ‘queer feeling’ that he has ‘something important to say and the power to say it’. His ability to think independently relinquishes Mond’s control over him. Power is therefore a relationship and requires consent from those being controlled. While physical control is easily obtainable, as in the case of Mond, one cannot have an influence over an individual’s mind unless they choose to surrender their autonomy.
Likewise, the priest’s control of the people of Backwater is flawed because the Tramp is the only individual in Backwater who chooses to not ‘submit to the Lord’. He retorts ‘Why don’t you try it?’. While the priest has ultimate control over everyone through religion and fear, he is unable to make the Tramp submit to him. When Death arrives to town, the people seize their power from the priest for self-preservation. The priest’s son, Bubba, states ‘Father, you have brought this upon us’ which highlights that the people no longer believe in the priest’s promise of salvation and he has lost his authority over the people. Thus, power is limited to the consent of those who submit to being dominated and can be taken away when an individual chooses to be independent.
Satirical depictions of different ideas can have a profound impact on individuals and allow the composer to have influence over others. This power is not absolute but rather a fluctuating relationship requiring the consent of all parties involved. This is evident in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World and Bo Mathorne’s The Backwater Gospel.
Post by: anotherworld2b on March 06, 2017, 01:30:01 am
I also have a quick question. What is the name for the extra text at the bottom of an advertisement? Byline?
Spoiler
.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2017, 05:31:10 am
Hi! Thank you for checking it. So in order to give Shakespeare's play more attention, should I cut out some Looking FOr Richard parts in my last paragraph (could you please tell me which ones I should cut out) and then add in more content from Shakespeare's play. To add more of Shakespeare's analysis in my last paragraph, I am planning to add this: The battle speeches of these two leaders, makes evident the corruptive nature of power. Richmond asks his men to remember the beauty of the land they are protecting from a tyrant while in contrast Richard mocks the enemy soldiers “a scum of Bretons and base lackey peasants.” The use of plosive consonants demonstrates the extremely profane attitude of Richard as a result of abusing power, making him lose his immorality, resulting in a corrupted state of mind.
I have fixed my opening sentence to this:An individual is able to gain a more enriched perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that power is a corruptive force due to one’s extreme desire and attainment of it.
Is that a stronger opening sentence which answers the question? If not, how could I fix it.
Thanks for your help :)
Hello again :)
It's hard to say exactly which bits to cut - I think the Hitler sentence could be cut, the analysis isn't as strong as the other parts in my opinion. I really like the analysis of the soliloquy too because it relates directly to the question. So instead, I would focus on condensing the first part of the paragraph, the first time you talk about Pacino's text, where there's three or so sentences compounding each other? I'd rake that back to just one or two sentences, and if you find that you still aren't bringing Shakespeare enough into it, then cull that if need be. But it's hard to comment on what to take out without seeing the Shakespeare bit sitting in there as well, so we can see the way they connect.
In saying this, I think what you wish to add to that paragraph on Shakespeare is really good, the link to the corrupting consequences of power are really strong! That's a very well formulated sentence.
As for the new opening sentence:
An individual is able to gain a more enriched perspective of the nature of power through the understanding that power is a corruptive force due to one’s extreme desire and attainment of it.
The only part that jars a bit for me is the wording of the ending. "extreme desire and attainment of it" just doesn't set the sophisticated tone you want for your essay. Perhaps, "...through the understanding that power is a corruptive force due to the extremity of the desire one may have to attain it." I think it's really just in the end conjunction that is jarring. The ideas are great, it's just about presenting them in the most clear way possible.
What do you think? :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2017, 07:17:56 am
Module C: Politics and Society
Could you just check if my arguments make sense, if I link well, if its structured well and everything flows well. I know its really last minute but my essay is actually due tomorrow so any feedback as soon as possible would be helpful. Here is my essay:
Hi there, hopefully this gets to you in time :) I'll comment in bold...
Spoiler
Representation is powerful however power in itself is a flawed concept born from the politics of humanity, an imperfect Machiavellian existence. The ideas here are a bit convoluted - representation is powerful, power is flawed, power is born from the politics of humanity, Machiavelli. The ideas don't send a clear message. Didactic composers utilise representation to manipulate their audience and explore confronting concepts, often too difficult for the them to process alone within the confines of their constructed reality. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World challenges the audience’s perspective of modern society through various characters possessive apostrophe required here. and poses the imminent question, what does it mean to be powerful? Nice rhetorical question! Power however is a notion that originates from the imperfect intellect of humanity and hence can never exist without fault. While Brave New World highlights how power brings stability, The Backwater Gospel directed by Bo Mathorne disputes this by displaying how power can lead to the destruction of a society. Furthermore, it explains how true power can only exist through the consent of the submitters. Power is therefore not an object to be possessed by one individual but rather a fluctuating relationship between a composer and their audience that requires balance to be effective. Great introduction overall, very well articulated for the most part!
Representation is a highly manipulative instrument that allows a composer to wield compelling omnipotence over their audience and promote a certain agenda. Every text is a construction and reflection of its author and hence there can never be a true depiction of any idea. Very unique, I absolutely love this. Huxley’s creation of the World State is an extension of his pursuit for power and influence over those blinded by consumerism and ignorance. His initial use of scientific jargon to instil a feeling inferiority within the audience as they attempt to process the ‘optimum temperature, salinity, viscosity’ of the liquor in which ‘detached and ripened eggs were kept’. Their first encounter with the World State is confronting and almost disturbs the audience as they are presented with a world of inverted values. His satirical portrayal of the World State is a response to, as he states, America’s ‘radical alteration of established standards’. John’s experience in the World State presents him with an option to either live a life of insanity in the World State or a life of a primitive in the Savage Reservation. Huxley explains in his forward that there is no option of sanity for John. His intention was to show society that sanity is the very thing individuals should be striving to achieve rather than the materialistic commodities forced upon them by those in power. Bernard Marx is originally the voice of the audience as he is shown to feel unsettled by the norms of the World State. This is highlighted in his helicopter flight with Lenina where he states that staring at the sea made him feel like ‘not just a cell in the social body’. Great embedding of a quote. These feelings however are never truly explored as he becomes controlled by his own feelings of inadequacy and need to be valued by others. Bernard eventually conforms to the ideals of the World State and chooses to ‘Never put off till tomorrow the fun you can have today’ as told to him by Lenina. The audience observes the loss of identity that results from being a slave to their own desires and materialism. His ability to control the audience through his construction displays the power that a composer has over the thoughts of others.
In a different light, Bo Mathorne uses the Backwater Gospel to depict how the power of representation can lead to the destruction of a society. Brilliant link! The priest who has the most power over the town of Backwater presents religion through fear to gain control over the people. He preaches about how ‘One bad apple and the whole barrel is spoiled!’ to fuel hatred for the Tramp who refused to be controlled by the priest. The priest convinces the people during his sermons that those that follow him are sinless. This is highlighted when the priest states ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’, a biblical allusion, and the whole town raises their stones to murder the Tramp as though they were all infallible. This exhibits how representation is powerful enough to lead to the ultimate destruction of a society. Short, but sweet.
Power is a flawed notion as it is born from a dichotomy of an individual exerting dominance over another. I can't read how this is a dichotomy. Perhaps, the dichotomous relationship between power and oppression? But a dichotomy between one human and another doesn't hold the same weight. I understand your idea I think, it just reads unclear. The individual being influenced must consent in return and validate this dominance. Huxley’s portrayal of the World State has a profound impact on the audience as they realise their own ‘truth’ about the world around them. Despite this, his novel is only able to have such an effect because it is immortalised by the audience throughout time. Huxley’s power is therefore in the hands of the audience. In a similar way, Mustapha Mond is a manifestation of Huxley as his power too depends on the citizens of the World State and their consent. Lenina recalls as a child when she awoke in the night and heard the hypnopaedia lessons that ‘Epsilons are useful’. Her feelings of fear at the time show that she was aware of her conditioning but by allowing herself to go back to sleep, she lost her power. In this way, she gave Mustapha Mond command over her as his power is dependent on whether her conditioning remains intact. Great analysis. Lenina’s gaze at the moon for the first time, an action considered abnormal, highlights the cracks in her conditioning. Mond’s power over others therefore is only an illusion. Though Mond states to Bernard ‘I make the laws here, I can also break them…which I’m afraid you can’t’, his influence over others is limited to physical control as he has no power over the thoughts of every individual. ‘It was only quite recently that, grown aware of his mental excess’ did Helmholtz realise that the ideals of the World State were not something he agreed with. He explains how he has a ‘queer feeling’ that he has ‘something important to say and the power to say it’. His ability to think independently relinquishes Mond’s control over him. Power is therefore a relationship and requires consent from those being controlled. Excellent statement... While physical control is easily obtainable, as in the case of Mond, one cannot have an influence over an individual’s mind unless they choose to surrender their autonomy.
Likewise, the priest’s control of the people of Backwater is flawed because the Tramp is the only individual in Backwater who chooses to not ‘submit to the Lord’. He retorts ‘Why don’t you try it?’. While the priest has ultimate control over everyone through religion and fear, he is unable to make the Tramp submit to him. When Death arrives to town, the people seize their power from the priest for self-preservation. The priest’s son, Bubba, states ‘Father, you have brought this upon us’ which highlights that the people no longer believe in the priest’s promise of salvation and he has lost his authority over the people. Thus, power is limited to the consent of those who submit to being dominated and can be taken away when an individual chooses to be independent.
Satirical depictions of different ideas can have a profound impact on individuals and allow the composer to have influence over others. This power is not absolute but rather a fluctuating relationship requiring the consent of all parties involved. This is evident in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World and Bo Mathorne’s The Backwater Gospel through representation of....
Representation is a highly manipulative instrument that allows a composer to wield compelling omnipotence over their audience and promote a certain agenda. Every text is a construction and reflection of its author and hence there can never be a true depiction of any idea. Very unique, I absolutely love this. Huxley’s creation of the World State is an extension of his pursuit for power and influence over those blinded by consumerism and ignorance. His initial use of scientific jargon to instil a feeling inferiority within the audience as they attempt to process the ‘optimum temperature, salinity, viscosity’ of the liquor in which ‘detached and ripened eggs were kept’. Their first encounter with the World State is confronting and almost disturbs the audience as they are presented with a world of inverted values. His satirical portrayal of the World State is a response to, as he states, America’s ‘radical alteration of established standards’. John’s experience in the World State presents him with an option to either live a life of insanity in the World State or a life of a primitive in the Savage Reservation. Huxley explains in his forward that there is no option of sanity for John. His intention was to show society that sanity is the very thing individuals should be striving to achieve rather than the materialistic commodities forced upon them by those in power. Bernard Marx is originally the voice of the audience as he is shown to feel unsettled by the norms of the World State. This is highlighted in his helicopter flight with Lenina where he states that staring at the sea made him feel like ‘not just a cell in the social body’. Great embedding of a quote. These feelings however are never truly explored as he becomes controlled by his own feelings of inadequacy and need to be valued by others. Bernard eventually conforms to the ideals of the World State and chooses to ‘Never put off till tomorrow the fun you can have today’ as told to him by Lenina. The audience observes the loss of identity that results from being a slave to their own desires and materialism. His ability to control the audience through his construction displays the power that a composer has over the thoughts of others.
In a different light, Bo Mathorne uses the Backwater Gospel to depict how the power of representation can lead to the destruction of a society. Brilliant link! The priest who has the most power over the town of Backwater presents religion through fear to gain control over the people. He preaches about how ‘One bad apple and the whole barrel is spoiled!’ to fuel hatred for the Tramp who refused to be controlled by the priest. The priest convinces the people during his sermons that those that follow him are sinless. This is highlighted when the priest states ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’, a biblical allusion, and the whole town raises their stones to murder the Tramp as though they were all infallible. This exhibits how representation is powerful enough to lead to the ultimate destruction of a society. Short, but sweet.
Power is a flawed notion as it is born from a dichotomy of an individual exerting dominance over another. I can't read how this is a dichotomy. Perhaps, the dichotomous relationship between power and oppression? But a dichotomy between one human and another doesn't hold the same weight. I understand your idea I think, it just reads unclear. The individual being influenced must consent in return and validate this dominance. Huxley’s portrayal of the World State has a profound impact on the audience as they realise their own ‘truth’ about the world around them. Despite this, his novel is only able to have such an effect because it is immortalised by the audience throughout time. Huxley’s power is therefore in the hands of the audience. In a similar way, Mustapha Mond is a manifestation of Huxley as his power too depends on the citizens of the World State and their consent. Lenina recalls as a child when she awoke in the night and heard the hypnopaedia lessons that ‘Epsilons are useful’. Her feelings of fear at the time show that she was aware of her conditioning but by allowing herself to go back to sleep, she lost her power. In this way, she gave Mustapha Mond command over her as his power is dependent on whether her conditioning remains intact. Great analysis. Lenina’s gaze at the moon for the first time, an action considered abnormal, highlights the cracks in her conditioning. Mond’s power over others therefore is only an illusion. Though Mond states to Bernard ‘I make the laws here, I can also break them…which I’m afraid you can’t’, his influence over others is limited to physical control as he has no power over the thoughts of every individual. ‘It was only quite recently that, grown aware of his mental excess’ did Helmholtz realise that the ideals of the World State were not something he agreed with. He explains how he has a ‘queer feeling’ that he has ‘something important to say and the power to say it’. His ability to think independently relinquishes Mond’s control over him. Power is therefore a relationship and requires consent from those being controlled. Excellent statement... While physical control is easily obtainable, as in the case of Mond, one cannot have an influence over an individual’s mind unless they choose to surrender their autonomy.
Likewise, the priest’s control of the people of Backwater is flawed because the Tramp is the only individual in Backwater who chooses to not ‘submit to the Lord’. He retorts ‘Why don’t you try it?’. While the priest has ultimate control over everyone through religion and fear, he is unable to make the Tramp submit to him. When Death arrives to town, the people seize their power from the priest for self-preservation. The priest’s son, Bubba, states ‘Father, you have brought this upon us’ which highlights that the people no longer believe in the priest’s promise of salvation and he has lost his authority over the people. Thus, power is limited to the consent of those who submit to being dominated and can be taken away when an individual chooses to be independent.
Satirical depictions of different ideas can have a profound impact on individuals and allow the composer to have influence over others. This power is not absolute but rather a fluctuating relationship requiring the consent of all parties involved. This is evident in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World and Bo Mathorne’s The Backwater Gospel through representation of....
I think this is an excellent essay and without suggesting too much because it's due today, you should be very pleased with it. I think that there could be more weight to "politics" and how power manifests within that. Your treatment of power is very thorough, it's very sophisticated and I think it deserves full marks in that respect. Your treatment of the texts is also really good. My truest suggestion is the treatment of politics...rather than letting the idea of power take over. Perhaps a sentence about the way power manifests in politics, and define politics (social, governmental, scientific...) could pull it together a little more. But that's about adding another layer, a thin veil to the work...
I think you'll do really well with this. Good luck!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2017, 07:53:10 am
Could I please get feedback on my practise response?
I also have a quick question. What is the name for the extra text at the bottom of an advertisement? Byline?
For your question, yeah, it's likely a byline :) Sometimes called a sell!
Spoiler
Q. Explain how the generic conventions of an advertisement have been subverted/ manipulated to persuade an audience on the reality of human trafficking in the Western world.
Human trafficking in the Western World is a prevalent issue in which many people lack knowledge of. Written and visual codes in the advertisement have been manipulated to persuade the audience the existence of human trafficking in modern society.
Visual codes of an advertisement have been manipulated in such a way that promotes human trafficking in a positive light. Typically the archetypal label ‘child sex worker’ creates the imagery of a malnourished, neglected and abused child. In the advertisement however, the female model is shown to be a healthy, energetic and well treated suggests that being a child sex worker is not difficult. Perhaps discuss what gives this healthy light? Is it her facial expressions? The lighting? The vibrancy of the colour on her clothes? This gives the impression that ‘start(ing) a rewarding career today’ in ‘customer service’ is a career worth pursuing. Through the subversion of visual codes of an advertisement the unconventional idea of promoting human trafficking spreads awareness through irony irony or lie? that is a ‘rewarding career’ for ‘child sex workers’.
Written codes have also been subverted in a way that promotes human trafficking to encourage the awareness of its existence even in modern society. The idea of human trafficking is typically tied to the notion that it occurred in the past and was ended in the past or to shorten "Human trafficking is often wrongly believed to be an issue of history." . In the advertisement however, this idea has been challenged by the use of bold text ‘Now Recruiting child sex workers’ with a casual tone to emphasise the prominence of child prostitution. The word prostitution is commonly tied to the notion of being deemed vile or in a sense degrading of oneself. Hence, the very idea of promoting human trafficking evokes strong emotive responses from the audience through the successful manipulation of written codes to promote its presence and existence in modern society.
Human trafficking in the Western World is a prevalent issue in which many people lack knowledge of. Written and visual codes in the advertisement have been manipulated to persuade the audience the existence of human trafficking in modern society.
Visual codes of an advertisement have been manipulated in such a way that promotes human trafficking in a positive light. Typically the archetypal label ‘child sex worker’ creates the imagery of a malnourished, neglected and abused child. In the advertisement however, the female model is shown to be a healthy, energetic and well treated suggests that being a child sex worker is not difficult. Perhaps discuss what gives this healthy light? Is it her facial expressions? The lighting? The vibrancy of the colour on her clothes? This gives the impression that ‘start(ing) a rewarding career today’ in ‘customer service’ is a career worth pursuing. Through the subversion of visual codes of an advertisement the unconventional idea of promoting human trafficking spreads awareness through irony irony or lie? that is a ‘rewarding career’ for ‘child sex workers’.
Written codes have also been subverted in a way that promotes human trafficking to encourage the awareness of its existence even in modern society. The idea of human trafficking is typically tied to the notion that it occurred in the past and was ended in the past or to shorten "Human trafficking is often wrongly believed to be an issue of history." . In the advertisement however, this idea has been challenged by the use of bold text ‘Now Recruiting child sex workers’ with a casual tone to emphasise the prominence of child prostitution. The word prostitution is commonly tied to the notion of being deemed vile or in a sense degrading of oneself. Hence, the very idea of promoting human trafficking evokes strong emotive responses from the audience through the successful manipulation of written codes to promote its presence and existence in modern society.
I don't know the length of the response required of you, nor do I know the ad being analysed, but I think you could go a little deeper with analysis. Placement of text? Salient image? Colours? I think these could be added to what you have, without adding too much extra, but would make a big difference by making your work more dense and tight? But of course, take this with a grain of salt because I don't know the task or the text :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on March 06, 2017, 04:11:15 pm
For your question, yeah, it's likely a byline :) Sometimes called a sell!SpoilerQ. Explain how the generic conventions of an advertisement have been subverted/ manipulated to persuade an audience on the reality of human trafficking in the Western world.
Human trafficking in the Western World is a prevalent issue in which many people lack knowledge of. Written and visual codes in the advertisement have been manipulated to persuade the audience the existence of human trafficking in modern society.
Visual codes of an advertisement have been manipulated in such a way that promotes human trafficking in a positive light. Typically the archetypal label ‘child sex worker’ creates the imagery of a malnourished, neglected and abused child. In the advertisement however, the female model is shown to be a healthy, energetic and well treated suggests that being a child sex worker is not difficult. Perhaps discuss what gives this healthy light? Is it her facial expressions? The lighting? The vibrancy of the colour on her clothes? This gives the impression that ‘start(ing) a rewarding career today’ in ‘customer service’ is a career worth pursuing. Through the subversion of visual codes of an advertisement the unconventional idea of promoting human trafficking spreads awareness through irony irony or lie? that is a ‘rewarding career’ for ‘child sex workers’.
Written codes have also been subverted in a way that promotes human trafficking to encourage the awareness of its existence even in modern society. The idea of human trafficking is typically tied to the notion that it occurred in the past and was ended in the past or to shorten "Human trafficking is often wrongly believed to be an issue of history." . In the advertisement however, this idea has been challenged by the use of bold text ‘Now Recruiting child sex workers’ with a casual tone to emphasise the prominence of child prostitution. The word prostitution is commonly tied to the notion of being deemed vile or in a sense degrading of oneself. Hence, the very idea of promoting human trafficking evokes strong emotive responses from the audience through the successful manipulation of written codes to promote its presence and existence in modern society.
I don't know the length of the response required of you, nor do I know the ad being analysed, but I think you could go a little deeper with analysis. Placement of text? Salient image? Colours? I think these could be added to what you have, without adding too much extra, but would make a big difference by making your work more dense and tight? But of course, take this with a grain of salt because I don't know the task or the text :)
Post by: shamus.clarke on March 06, 2017, 07:39:47 pm
* Argues skillfully to the extent to which the response to the quote and closing scenes informs their interpretations of the tragedy as whole
* Demonstrates a perceptive understanding of context, language, form and ideas with detailed textual references
* Composes a sustained argument using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
“There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, Rough-hew them how we will” Act 5, Scene 2.
With reference to the quote and the closing scenes, to what extent does your response to this insight inform your interpretation of Shakespeare’s tragedy as a whole?
The denouement of William Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy ‘Hamlet’ effectively illuminates the tragic hero’s realisation of the effect of divine providence upon fate, achieved as a result of his mental transition from disillusionment to an ultimate state of clarity and resolution. As a Renaissance humanist, Hamlet’s introspective dilemma between considerations of Christian ethics and the filial duty of vengeance is ultimately resolved through his adoption of a fatalistic perspective, emboldening him to achieve divine justice. The dubious morality of the surrounding characters and Hamlet’s own loss of moral integrity reflects the period of political uncertainty and instability during the Jacobean era. Hence, Shakespeare’s dramatic delineation of Hamlet as a moral avenger, along with his conflicted conscience is present in the play’s conclusion.
The moral corruption of Elsinore, manifested by Claudius’s regicide and Gertrude’s swift descent to licentiousness consequently leads to Hamlet’s disillusionment and struggle with religious ethics and chivalric duty. This in turn results in Hamlet’s reluctance to take revenge. Shakespeare portrays Elsinore’s corruption through the image, “Tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed things rank and gross in nature.” Through metaphor, Shakespeare signifies Hamlet’s discontent with the Kingdom’s decay into a garden infested by evil due to the unnatural death of his father and the incestuous and prompt remarriage of his mother. Hamlet’s struggle to confront the Machiavellian Claudius’s regicide is expressed through the religious metaphor, “O cursèd spite, that ever I was born to set it right!” Shakespeare effectively portrays Hamlet’s disillusionment towards life and the conflict that arises between his desire to commit suicide and the overarching Christian concern about purgatorial punishments which will strip off his nobility. Samuel Coleridge in his ‘Criticism of Shakespeare’ similarly pinpoints Hamlet’s problem as excess “intellectual activity, and the consequent proportionate aversion to real action.” As a result, Hamlet morally struggles between religious conscience and the necessity of revenge, demonstrated through soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I” Hereby, Shakespeare elucidates the intensity of prince Hamlet’s private struggle as a result of his irresolution. Hamlet juxtaposes himself to a bonded slave, the most inferior being in the Elizabethan hierarchical order, as his inaction defies the contextual honour code for immediate revenge. The political tension in Denmark and Hamlet’s vividly striking, conflicting conscience is effectively
The shift in Hamlet’s psyche, from hesitation and tentativeness to clarity and belief in the influence of divinity, results in the loss of his moral integrity after the startling murder of Polonius and the determination of his foil Laertes. His accidental murder of Polonius as a result of his antic disposition, “Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool! Farewell!” Hamlet’s contemptuous, unfeeling tone reflects his consequent moral descent, with his disrespect to death and” Polonius death is a turning point that spurs Hamlet on to vengeful action. As a foil to Hamlet from a different spectrum, Laertes’ rebellion and eagerness in his revenge, expressed through the compelling word play “There’s special providence in the fall of a sparrow... If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now.” Hereby, Hamlet realises the importance of decisive action, in spite of his moral considerations and as well as a possible reason as his attempt to delay fate. in turn stimulates his transformation. Furthermore, Hamlet demonstrates his faith in the ubiquitous presence of divine providence. Consequently, Hamlet’s shifting psyche from irresolution to assertiveness is demonstrated in his final soliloquy, through the determined tone of his outcry, “My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!” Shakespeare demonstrates the change of Hamlet’s mentality and his utter desperation to restore order.
Hamlet is ultimately emboldened to act by his epiphany towards the inevitability of his death, and through his execution of divine justice, both his morality and the hierarchical Great Chain of Being in Denmark are restored. Through his epiphany, Hamlet’s newfound fatalistic outlook on life is illuminated by the symbolism of Yorick’s skull, paired with the stage direction, “Hamlet takes the skull.” The proleptic irony signifies Hamlet’s acceptance of ‘Memento Mori’, the inevitability of death for all humanity and foreshadows Hamlet’s actions in the denouement. This epiphany ultimately frees Hamlet from his contemplation, as Shakespeare further depicts the idea of Vanitas through Hamlet’s religious connotation “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander was returneth to dust, the dust is earth”. Shakespeare’s anaphora based allusion to Alexander the Great provides Hamlet with the greater understanding that no amount of wealth and power can make a man immortal, and death is neither divine nor humble. The anaphora of ‘Alexander’ emphasises Hamlet’s attempt to come to terms with the inevitability of his fate. His realisation is followed with the declaration, “I am Hamlet, the Dane!” With his proclamation, Hamlet asserts his pride in his identity as both a citizen of Denmark and the rightful King. Shakespeare characterises Hamlet as a noble avenger through Laertes’ sincere tone, “exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet,” as his Humanist moral convictions are finally reconciled with his filial duty of revenge. Consequently, Hamlet’s fulfilment of vengeance comes as a result of his transition from reluctance and disillusionment to in the denouement.
Ultimately, the conclusion of Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy illuminates Hamlet’s freedom from his intellectual and emotional struggle and humble acceptance of divine providence’s influence and its impact on his fate. The play explores the blurred line between divine providence’s influence, and the subsequent loss of his original morals. The Renaissance humanistic values and concerns on death and revenge remain. Consequently, Hamlet’s acceptance of divine influences splinters his stasis in order to achieve divine justice in the play’s denouement.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2017, 07:57:01 pm
Ah I see. This is a response to a practice question for our test. We will only have one hour to answer three questions to three unseen texts like this so I was trying to allocate 20 minutes to each question and I was only able to write this much. What would the best way to make it more dense and tight?
The best way to make it more dense is by compounding techniques - don't refer to just one per sentence, but talk about the way mise-en-scene, salience, colours, size...etc, all work together to create an effect. You don't have to discuss four in a sentence, but instead of dealing with each technique individually, you can talk about the way they interact together to create a more dense effect. Kind of piggy-backing the techniques would work well to give your work a sense of coherence, rather than isolation of ideas. Does this make sense?
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 07, 2017, 04:45:49 am
Hi ATAR Notes, this is my Module B essay, where we are studying Hamlet. Can you please check to see that my arguments are sophisticated and makes sense? I'm trying to achieve an "A" range response, and I've included the criteria:‘A’ response -
* Argues skillfully to the extent to which the response to the quote and closing scenes informs their interpretations of the tragedy as whole
* Demonstrates a perceptive understanding of context, language, form and ideas with detailed textual references
* Composes a sustained argument using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
Hey Shamus, glad to see you aiming high! :)
I haven't studied Hamlet (blushes with shame) so unfortunately I won't be able to suggest anything to add in the analysis, but of course I can still comment on structure, expression, ideas, arguments...etc.
Spoiler
“There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, Rough-hew them how we will” Act 5, Scene 2.
With reference to the quote and the closing scenes, to what extent does your response to this insight inform your interpretation of Shakespeare’s tragedy as a whole?
The denouement of William Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy ‘Hamlet’ effectively illuminates the tragic hero’s realisation of the effect of divine providence upon fate, achieved as a result of his mental transition from disillusionment to an ultimate state of clarity and resolution. As a Renaissance humanist, Hamlet’s introspective dilemma between considerations of Christian ethics and the filial duty of vengeance is ultimately resolved through his adoption of a fatalistic perspective, emboldening him to achieve divine justice. The dubious morality of the surrounding characters and Hamlet’s own loss of moral integrity reflects the period of political uncertainty and instability during the Jacobean era. Hence, Shakespeare’s dramatic delineation of Hamlet as a moral avenger, along with his conflicted conscience is present in the play’s conclusion. I'd be taking on the ideas of the quote more directly in my introduction, if I were writing this. Everything you have written is stellar, very clear and well expressed. But, I would explicitly reference the quote, even if not in its entirety, to put it at the forefront of your analysis right from the beginning. Markers, in the HSC, will look for your direct and unique response to the quote. You could comment on textual integrity here (a term from the rubric), by talking about how the ending is only as powerful as the coherency of the rest of the text - because the textual integrity is so high, the ending prompts... Just an idea, not a necessity for the top marks :)
Not so much the kind of concept statement we would see in a discovery piece, but I think a sentence here about the ideas you'll explore would be powerful. What aspect of divinity, power, ascension, morals, or politics will you be approaching here? This is another opportunity to set you apart frmo other students, but expressing an idea concisely and uniquely, so the rest of the paragraph works as a testament to the thesis. You can have this sentence mention the text or not at all, it can simply be about the idea itself. The following sentence jumps right into textual detail and doesn't give the reader time to appreciate the originality of any ideas you put forward. The moral corruption of Elsinore, manifested by Claudius’s regicide and Gertrude’s swift descent to licentiousness consequently leads to Hamlet’s disillusionment and struggle with religious ethics and chivalric duty. Thisin turn results in Hamlet’s reluctance to take revenge. Shakespeare portrays Elsinore’s corruption through the image, “Tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed things rank and gross in nature.” Through metaphor, Shakespeare signifies Hamlet’s discontent with the Kingdom’s decay into a garden infested by evil due to the unnatural death of his father and the incestuous and prompt remarriage of his mother. Wonderful analysis! Hamlet’s struggle to confront the Machiavellian Claudius’s regicide is expressed through the religious metaphor, “O cursèd spite, that ever I was born to set it right!” Shakespeare effectively portrays Hamlet’s disillusionment towards life and the conflict that arises between his desire to commit suicide and the overarching Christian concern about purgatorial punishments which will strip off his nobility. Samuel Coleridge in his ‘Criticism of Shakespeare’ similarly pinpoints Hamlet’s problem as excess “intellectual activity, and the consequent proportionate aversion to real action.” As a result, Hamlet morally struggles between religious conscience and the necessity of revenge, demonstrated through soliloquy “O what a rogue and peasant slave am I” Hereby, Shakespeare elucidates the intensity of prince Hamlet’s private struggle as a result of his irresolution. Hamlet juxtaposes himself to a bonded slave, the most inferior being in the Elizabethan hierarchical order, as his inaction defies the contextual honour code for immediate revenge. The political tension in Denmark and Hamlet’s vividly striking, conflicting conscience is effectively...? This paragraph works well because your analysis of the text is great, but it still has potential to be better. Without the conceptual statement at the start, the paragraph doesn't have direction. Moreso, the direct response to the question and quote is absent. Your analysis is great, but will be even stronger with explicit links to the question. The ending quote hasn't been tied in enough yet to satisfy the first criteria, in my opinion.
The shift in Hamlet’s psyche, from hesitation and tentativeness to clarity and belief in the influence of divinity, results in the loss of his moral integrityafter the startling murder of Polonius and the determination of his foil Laertes. Your next sentence gives this information, and it ties it in with a quote :) His accidental murder of Polonius as a result of his antic disposition, “Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool! Farewell!” Hamlet’s contemptuous, unfeeling tone reflects his consequent moral descent, with his disrespect to death and” Polonius death is a turning point that spurs Hamlet on to vengeful action. As a foil to Hamlet from a different spectrum, Laertes’ rebellion and eagerness in his revenge, expressed through the compelling word play “There’s special providence in the fall of a sparrow... If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now.” Hereby, Hamlet realises the importance of decisive action, in spite of his moral considerations and as well as a possible reason as his attempt to delay fate. in turn stimulates his transformation. Furthermore, Hamlet demonstrates his faith in the ubiquitous presence of divine providence. Consequently, Hamlet’s shifting psyche from irresolution to assertiveness is demonstrated in his final soliloquy, through the determined tone of his outcry, “My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!” Shakespeare demonstrates the change of Hamlet’s mentality and his utter desperation to restore order. Again, the personal response that this module demands isn't as prominent as it could be here. Again, you have a great paragraph! It's just lacking the personal voice, delivered through the unique response to the question.
Hamlet is ultimately emboldened to act by his epiphany towards the inevitability of his death, and through his execution of divine justice, both his morality and the hierarchical Great Chain of Being in Denmark are restored. Through his epiphany, Hamlet’s newfound fatalistic outlook on life is illuminated by the symbolism of Yorick’s skull, paired with the stage direction, “Hamlet takes the skull.” The proleptic irony signifies Hamlet’s acceptance of ‘Memento Mori’, the inevitability of death for all humanity and foreshadows Hamlet’s actions in the denouement. This epiphany ultimately frees Hamlet from his contemplation, as Shakespeare further depicts the idea of Vanitas through Hamlet’s religious connotation “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander was returneth to dust, the dust is earth”. Shakespeare’s anaphora based allusion to Alexander the Great provides Hamlet with the greater understanding that no amount of wealth and power can make a man immortal, and death is neither divine nor humble. The anaphora of ‘Alexander’ emphasises Hamlet’s attempt to come to terms with the inevitability of his fate. His realisation is followed with the declaration, “I am Hamlet, the Dane!” With his proclamation, Hamlet asserts his pride in his identity as both a citizen of Denmark and the rightful King. Shakespeare characterises Hamlet as a noble avenger through Laertes’ sincere tone, “exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet,” as his Humanist moral convictions are finally reconciled with his filial duty of revenge. Consequently, Hamlet’s fulfilment of vengeance comes as a result of his transition from reluctance and disillusionment to in the denouement.
Ultimately, the conclusion of Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy illuminates Hamlet’s freedom from his intellectual and emotional struggle and humble acceptance of divine providence’s influence and its impact on his fate. The play explores the blurred line between divine providence’s influence, and the subsequent loss of his original morals. The Renaissance humanistic values and concerns on death and revenge remain. Consequently, Hamlet’s acceptance of divine influences splinters his stasis in order to achieve divine justice in the play’s denouement. Wonderful conclusion!
With reference to the quote and the closing scenes, to what extent does your response to this insight inform your interpretation of Shakespeare’s tragedy as a whole?
The denouement of William Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy ‘Hamlet’ effectively illuminates the tragic hero’s realisation of the effect of divine providence upon fate, achieved as a result of his mental transition from disillusionment to an ultimate state of clarity and resolution. As a Renaissance humanist, Hamlet’s introspective dilemma between considerations of Christian ethics and the filial duty of vengeance is ultimately resolved through his adoption of a fatalistic perspective, emboldening him to achieve divine justice. The dubious morality of the surrounding characters and Hamlet’s own loss of moral integrity reflects the period of political uncertainty and instability during the Jacobean era. Hence, Shakespeare’s dramatic delineation of Hamlet as a moral avenger, along with his conflicted conscience is present in the play’s conclusion. I'd be taking on the ideas of the quote more directly in my introduction, if I were writing this. Everything you have written is stellar, very clear and well expressed. But, I would explicitly reference the quote, even if not in its entirety, to put it at the forefront of your analysis right from the beginning. Markers, in the HSC, will look for your direct and unique response to the quote. You could comment on textual integrity here (a term from the rubric), by talking about how the ending is only as powerful as the coherency of the rest of the text - because the textual integrity is so high, the ending prompts... Just an idea, not a necessity for the top marks :)
Not so much the kind of concept statement we would see in a discovery piece, but I think a sentence here about the ideas you'll explore would be powerful. What aspect of divinity, power, ascension, morals, or politics will you be approaching here? This is another opportunity to set you apart frmo other students, but expressing an idea concisely and uniquely, so the rest of the paragraph works as a testament to the thesis. You can have this sentence mention the text or not at all, it can simply be about the idea itself. The following sentence jumps right into textual detail and doesn't give the reader time to appreciate the originality of any ideas you put forward. The moral corruption of Elsinore, manifested by Claudius’s regicide and Gertrude’s swift descent to licentiousness consequently leads to Hamlet’s disillusionment and struggle with religious ethics and chivalric duty. This
The shift in Hamlet’s psyche, from hesitation and tentativeness to clarity and belief in the influence of divinity, results in the loss of his moral integrity
Hamlet is ultimately emboldened to act by his epiphany towards the inevitability of his death, and through his execution of divine justice, both his morality and the hierarchical Great Chain of Being in Denmark are restored. Through his epiphany, Hamlet’s newfound fatalistic outlook on life is illuminated by the symbolism of Yorick’s skull, paired with the stage direction, “Hamlet takes the skull.” The proleptic irony signifies Hamlet’s acceptance of ‘Memento Mori’, the inevitability of death for all humanity and foreshadows Hamlet’s actions in the denouement. This epiphany ultimately frees Hamlet from his contemplation, as Shakespeare further depicts the idea of Vanitas through Hamlet’s religious connotation “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander was returneth to dust, the dust is earth”. Shakespeare’s anaphora based allusion to Alexander the Great provides Hamlet with the greater understanding that no amount of wealth and power can make a man immortal, and death is neither divine nor humble. The anaphora of ‘Alexander’ emphasises Hamlet’s attempt to come to terms with the inevitability of his fate. His realisation is followed with the declaration, “I am Hamlet, the Dane!” With his proclamation, Hamlet asserts his pride in his identity as both a citizen of Denmark and the rightful King. Shakespeare characterises Hamlet as a noble avenger through Laertes’ sincere tone, “exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet,” as his Humanist moral convictions are finally reconciled with his filial duty of revenge. Consequently, Hamlet’s fulfilment of vengeance comes as a result of his transition from reluctance and disillusionment to in the denouement.
Ultimately, the conclusion of Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy illuminates Hamlet’s freedom from his intellectual and emotional struggle and humble acceptance of divine providence’s influence and its impact on his fate. The play explores the blurred line between divine providence’s influence, and the subsequent loss of his original morals. The Renaissance humanistic values and concerns on death and revenge remain. Consequently, Hamlet’s acceptance of divine influences splinters his stasis in order to achieve divine justice in the play’s denouement. Wonderful conclusion!
You've got a great essay, I'd suggest it is in the low band 5 range now. Module B requests a personal response from you, it expects a more unique take on the way this has been perceived by audiences. The responders of Shakespeare's work doesn't receive much talk in this essay, and the focus is purely on the internal contents of the text. I suggest bringing it out to Shakespeare's contemporaries, and audiences now (and everyone in between!). You don't have to directly specify each audience type, but talking about the audience is important. This module is about responses to texts - so you've got the treatment of the text down pat and wonderful, but we need to zoom out a little and look at the macro level and how it is received. Have a look at this guide and essay on Hamlet in module B to get an idea about the way audience is treated. I do disagree with the use of first person, which the essay uses, but the rest is full of merit. There is no problem with what exists, the problem is with what lacks. More explicit reference of the question, and a more unique treatment of audience.
Please let me know if anything is unclear. Perhaps looking at how scholars have received Shakespeare's Hamlet will give you some ideas about how to approach describing the reception of the text! :)
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on March 07, 2017, 02:54:37 pm
Spoiler
Distivisual images evoke profound emotions, interpretations and implications of ideas, worlds and individuals, elucidating new perspectives on thematic concerns underpinning texts to challenge the responder to consider the settings and characters in texts in different ways. Through the utilisation of distinctively visual images, composers are able to create depth and give meaning to unique and complex worlds that in turn assist the responder in expanding their understandings of the tensions between individuals within their societies. In the postmodern novella “Vertigo” by Amanda Lohrey, distinctively visual images are used to convey the schism between urban and rural life and the way in which change can function to strengthen relationship ships in times of grief and despair. Additionally Lohrey utilises a range of distinctively visual images to elucidate the contrasting role of the urban and the rural in facilitating a confrontation of grief and loss through the central protagonists’ decision to move to the coastal hamlet of Garra Nalla in a manner reminiscent of the ‘sea- change’ genre popularised in the early 1990s. It is through this change that protagonists Anna and Luke find serenity and peace of mind after dealing with the emotional and spiritual burden of their son’s death. Similarly, I have used distinctively visual images within my collage to represent the schism between rural and urban life, allowing audiences to see the drastic change both and Anna and Luke were faced with in an attempt to escape the expensive and frenetic city lifestyle.
To begin, Lohrey uses distinctively visual images to highlight the clear schism between rural and urban life, elucidating the emancipatory experience of Anna and Luke’s move to Garra Nalla. The metaphoric reference to a “dizzying spiral of excess” to describe the city life elucidates the way in which city life burdens Luke and Anna with financial stress. The material demands of city life in turn functions to alienate both Luke and Anna from the “cramped apartment” in which they desire to escape. This distinctly visual image accentuates the schism between rural and urban life by showing how the financially demanding lifestyle of living in the city can alienate one from their inner emotional lives. Similarly, the strong auditory image “there is too much urban jazz in the air: the drone of jets roaring in, the manic whine of the sirens or the thumping bassline ….” elucidates the sounds of the city environment and imbues them with negative connotations.Further, the onomatopoeic words “roaring…. Manic….. (and) whine” make negative connotations of the city and the sounds that encompass both Luke and Anna continuously. The metaphoric reference to “urban jazz” and the aural imagery created and enhanced through words ‘drone’, ‘whine’ and ‘thumping’ enable the responder to empathies the excessive noises that combine to create a hostile living environment that both protagonists wish to escape. This further emphasises the chaotic and uncontrollable city environment that elucidates Luke and Anna’s disconnection from the city lifestyle. It is through these visually distinctively visual images that Lorhey is able to depict the alienating nature of the highly demanding city lifestyle and the difference of the rural lifestyle in comparison.
Correspondingly, I have used a range of visual techniques in my collage to portray the schism between urban and rural life. The salient image of the two roads blended in show the transitioning of both Luke and Anna into the rural lifestyle of Garra Nalla. The faded city street is symbolic of the passing of time and the need for change in Luke and Anna’s lives that is emphasised through the long vector created by the rural road. The dimly lit untidy bedroom conveys the disorganised and monotony lifestyle of Luke and Anna while living in the city. Additionally, the image of the overcrowded and busy city night enables the responder comprehend the lack of rest they get due to the noises and city lights which reinforces the notion of chaos experienced in both of their lives. The vector of the salient road emphases Luke and Anna’s desire to escape far away from the insecurities and troubles they are faced with daily while living in the city. Through these images the responder is able to clearly identify the schism between urban and rural life and the emotional impacts it can have on individuals in the process of transitioning from one to another.
Furthermore, the postmodern novella uses a range of distinctively visual images to highlight the schism between the rural and urban and how it influences people’s perceptions on individuals, places and ideas. As the narration dictates “You looked out to a smoggy curtain across the built-up sky or down a long drop to the bitumen road below. You were not earthed” the responder is able to comprehend Luke and Anna’s disconnection from the urban life they desire to escape. The switch to second-person through the word “you” automatically forces the responder to engage with the image being presented. The composer required to observe and agree with the feeling of disconnection presented by the metaphorical “you were not earthed” and to comprehend the polluted nature of the city air. Conversely, the use of strong visual imagery within the line “Now they have calluses on their hands and the pleasure of rhythmic physical movements, like raking leaves, can bring on a state of mindless contentment” enables the responder to comprehend the positive faucets of rural living and the schism rural life has upon urban. The description provided here creates an image of the engagement and connection with the natural environment that overcomes Luke and Anna once they move to Garra Nalla. The image is provided to show the ease at which Anna and Luke have adapted to their natural environment, and the satisfaction that they achieve as a result of connecting with the environment. Through these images the audience is able to clearly identify the schism between urban and rural life and the comfort that one may feel after transitioning from one to another.
To add more, I have used a range of visual techniques in my collage to portray the schism between urban and rural life. The positioning of the two roads in the center of the image in conjunction with the bright and harmonious colours of the rural road symbolises the contrasting behaviors of each setting and the way in which it has a warm and welcoming atmosphere for viewers. Moreover, the utilisation of the saturated colour hue within the traffic of the city highlights the monotony and tedium of the urban environment which Luke and Anna desire to escape from.Further, the depiction of the palisades on the coast of ‘Garra Nalla’ enables the responder to understand the emancipatory nature of moving to the rural and how it may change an individual’s perception of life. The long shot of the cliff face shows the free and non-constricted area in which both Luke and Anna are able to live in serenity and peace without the distractions of busy city life. Through these images the responder is able to clearly identify the schism between urban and rural life and the emotional impacts it can have on individuals in the process of transitioning from one to another.
Therefore, Distinctively visual images evoke profound emotions, interpretations and implications of ideas, worlds and individuals, elucidating new perspectives on thematic concerns underpinning texts to challenge the responder to consider the settings and characters in texts in different ways. Through the utilisation of distinctively visual images, composers are able to create depth and give meaning to unique and complex worlds that in turn assist the responder in expanding their understandings of the tensions between individuals within their societies. Through both Lohrey’s and my depiction of how the transition from urban to rural function to strengthen relationships in times of grief and despair and renew perspective about individuals, places and ideas.
To begin, Lohrey uses distinctively visual images to highlight the clear schism between rural and urban life, elucidating the emancipatory experience of Anna and Luke’s move to Garra Nalla. The metaphoric reference to a “dizzying spiral of excess” to describe the city life elucidates the way in which city life burdens Luke and Anna with financial stress. The material demands of city life in turn functions to alienate both Luke and Anna from the “cramped apartment” in which they desire to escape. This distinctly visual image accentuates the schism between rural and urban life by showing how the financially demanding lifestyle of living in the city can alienate one from their inner emotional lives. Similarly, the strong auditory image “there is too much urban jazz in the air: the drone of jets roaring in, the manic whine of the sirens or the thumping bassline ….” elucidates the sounds of the city environment and imbues them with negative connotations.Further, the onomatopoeic words “roaring…. Manic….. (and) whine” make negative connotations of the city and the sounds that encompass both Luke and Anna continuously. The metaphoric reference to “urban jazz” and the aural imagery created and enhanced through words ‘drone’, ‘whine’ and ‘thumping’ enable the responder to empathies the excessive noises that combine to create a hostile living environment that both protagonists wish to escape. This further emphasises the chaotic and uncontrollable city environment that elucidates Luke and Anna’s disconnection from the city lifestyle. It is through these visually distinctively visual images that Lorhey is able to depict the alienating nature of the highly demanding city lifestyle and the difference of the rural lifestyle in comparison.
Correspondingly, I have used a range of visual techniques in my collage to portray the schism between urban and rural life. The salient image of the two roads blended in show the transitioning of both Luke and Anna into the rural lifestyle of Garra Nalla. The faded city street is symbolic of the passing of time and the need for change in Luke and Anna’s lives that is emphasised through the long vector created by the rural road. The dimly lit untidy bedroom conveys the disorganised and monotony lifestyle of Luke and Anna while living in the city. Additionally, the image of the overcrowded and busy city night enables the responder comprehend the lack of rest they get due to the noises and city lights which reinforces the notion of chaos experienced in both of their lives. The vector of the salient road emphases Luke and Anna’s desire to escape far away from the insecurities and troubles they are faced with daily while living in the city. Through these images the responder is able to clearly identify the schism between urban and rural life and the emotional impacts it can have on individuals in the process of transitioning from one to another.
Furthermore, the postmodern novella uses a range of distinctively visual images to highlight the schism between the rural and urban and how it influences people’s perceptions on individuals, places and ideas. As the narration dictates “You looked out to a smoggy curtain across the built-up sky or down a long drop to the bitumen road below. You were not earthed” the responder is able to comprehend Luke and Anna’s disconnection from the urban life they desire to escape. The switch to second-person through the word “you” automatically forces the responder to engage with the image being presented. The composer required to observe and agree with the feeling of disconnection presented by the metaphorical “you were not earthed” and to comprehend the polluted nature of the city air. Conversely, the use of strong visual imagery within the line “Now they have calluses on their hands and the pleasure of rhythmic physical movements, like raking leaves, can bring on a state of mindless contentment” enables the responder to comprehend the positive faucets of rural living and the schism rural life has upon urban. The description provided here creates an image of the engagement and connection with the natural environment that overcomes Luke and Anna once they move to Garra Nalla. The image is provided to show the ease at which Anna and Luke have adapted to their natural environment, and the satisfaction that they achieve as a result of connecting with the environment. Through these images the audience is able to clearly identify the schism between urban and rural life and the comfort that one may feel after transitioning from one to another.
To add more, I have used a range of visual techniques in my collage to portray the schism between urban and rural life. The positioning of the two roads in the center of the image in conjunction with the bright and harmonious colours of the rural road symbolises the contrasting behaviors of each setting and the way in which it has a warm and welcoming atmosphere for viewers. Moreover, the utilisation of the saturated colour hue within the traffic of the city highlights the monotony and tedium of the urban environment which Luke and Anna desire to escape from.Further, the depiction of the palisades on the coast of ‘Garra Nalla’ enables the responder to understand the emancipatory nature of moving to the rural and how it may change an individual’s perception of life. The long shot of the cliff face shows the free and non-constricted area in which both Luke and Anna are able to live in serenity and peace without the distractions of busy city life. Through these images the responder is able to clearly identify the schism between urban and rural life and the emotional impacts it can have on individuals in the process of transitioning from one to another.
Therefore, Distinctively visual images evoke profound emotions, interpretations and implications of ideas, worlds and individuals, elucidating new perspectives on thematic concerns underpinning texts to challenge the responder to consider the settings and characters in texts in different ways. Through the utilisation of distinctively visual images, composers are able to create depth and give meaning to unique and complex worlds that in turn assist the responder in expanding their understandings of the tensions between individuals within their societies. Through both Lohrey’s and my depiction of how the transition from urban to rural function to strengthen relationships in times of grief and despair and renew perspective about individuals, places and ideas.
Mod edit: added spoiler
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 07, 2017, 08:40:21 pm
Hello this essay is about vertigo which is a book by Amanda, and its a distinctive visual text thanks.
Hey there! On the forums here, we require 15 posts in order to receive one essay or creative's worth of feedback. But I've had a quick skim of your work, and it's very good. I like the way you've described the "schism" between rural and urban life - very good use of vocabulary to inject sophistication into your response. In saying this, I think that you let yourself down in terms of sophistication with your paragraph-openers. "To begin" and "to add more" put your response into a listing-style and it undermines the sophistication of your work overall. Often if you just remove those words, the sentence will still make sense! :)
Post by: Ellie__ on March 08, 2017, 08:21:19 am
Firstly just want to say, you guys are absolutely AMAZING!!
Could you please have a read through my essay for Module A
Texts used are- Metropolis Film- Fritz Lang
- !984- George Orwell
The question is- Compare the ways in which mankind’s values are lost and silenced through the lack of ability to speak in both Metropolis and 1984, where language is a controlling factor
And we had to uses the scene where Maria saves the children and where she visits the eternal gardens
as well as Styme's comment to Winston in Chapter 5 where he talks about Newspeak's reduction of language.
It's due on Friday and I'm really struggling to cut it down or if it even suits the question.
Thankyou!!!!!
Intro
A comparison of both texts illuminates the responders understanding of the importance of appreciating the potent effects beauty and compassion can have on the formation of positive human relationships and its capacity to inspire significant human achievement. Lang’s German expressionist film, Metropolis, employs the pervading threat of technology to illuminate the silencing of human integrity as a result of distinct class and communication division evident within Lang’s post-WW1 society. Similarly, George Orwell’s novel 1984 parallels this dystopic vision, extending it to represent a more nihilistic vision of the future where personal freedoms have been annihilated, acting as an allegorical warning against totalitarian regimes that have dominated the landscape of twentieth century society. Despite differing context and textual form both texts coalesce through envisioning a futuristic dystopic society where language is suppressed, to illuminate the dangers of accepting a world devoid of fundamental innate qualities, such as the desire for intimacy and fertility that define our humanity.
Both texts reflect a world lacking fundamental human values such as trust, integrity and compassion to warn the audience of the silencing of humanity that occurs in totalitarian regimes. Lang’s futuristic 1927 film utilises the pervading danger of technology to expose the loss of love, integrity and communication as a result of the aristocratic excess indulgences in hedonistic pleasures, a dominant paradigm within Weimar Germany’s upper class. The fading flashing of Rotwang’s robotic creation’s ‘heart’ in the mid-shot of the transformation process symbolises the erosion of integral human qualities, as the heart, a traditional symbol of emotion, loyalty and love, juxtaposes the robot’s intended purpose. This notion is confirmed in the close up shot of Maria’s body turning lifeless as the transformation is complete, metaphorically accentuating the silencing of the human voice as a result of hedonistic desires. Moreover, within the Yoshiwara Club scene, Cyborg’s overt sexuality clearly represents the depletion of humanity within the oppressor’s regime. The direct centring of Cyborg in the mid shot of her dance, as well as her stagnated jerking movements clearly exposes her lack of understanding of innate values such as intimacy and human frailty in favour of overt erotic desires, a common quality of the upper classes in Weimar Germany, as a way of escaping the complete devastation of both WWI and the Treaty of Versailles. Moreover, Lang further censures this exploitation of humanity through a direct correlation to the biblical allusion of the “Whore of Babylon” . The repeated fading of this mis-en-scene to a replication of the “Whore of Babylon” bible excerpt visually connects Cyborg to the corruption of the holy illusion of the ‘fallen woman’. ‘Babylon’ has distinct connotations to the failure of unification and communication represented through ‘Babel’, hence exposing the lack of humanity within society as a result of silencing the human voice for the fulfilment of sexual desires. Thus, through an array of cinematic techniques, Lang warns the audience of the corruption and silencing of humanity as a result of suppressing innate human qualities such as fertility and nurture through technology and excessive hedonistic indulgences.
Fritz Lang’s unique characterisation of Cyborg to amplify the lack of humanity as a result of silencing the human voice is cleverly foregrounded through Orwell’s dystopic vision in “1984”. In contrast to the excessive erotic indulgences that shaped the concept of beauty in Lang’s futuristic society, Orwell utilises a reserved and clinical tone to forcefully satire the totalitarian notion of beauty. Syme’s sarcastic dialogue “It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of dialogue” distinctly exaggerates the oppressor’s indoctrination of the people which supresses the innate human qualities of individualism, integrity and freedom, notions that define our humanity. The juxtaposition of ‘beautiful’ and ‘destruction’ subtly underscores the powerful control totalitarian regimes of the 20th century exert over the masses through the ‘destruction’ of individual thought and liberty- notions that are traditionally associated with beauty. This concept is again amplified through Syme’s dialect, “What sense is there in having a whole string of vague useless words like ‘excellent’ and ‘splendid’…” which parallels with Lang’s film as both composers expose the loss of humanity as a result of the oppressive regimes that riddle both societies. The ironic use of two adjectives ‘vague’, ‘useless’ when commending the reduction of language cleverly accentuates the corruption of the Big Brother’s regime. Syme’s lack of ability to recognise the purpose of ‘excellent’ and ‘splendid’ metaphorically represents the total indoctrination of the masses which has ultimately silenced the importance of appreciating the potent effects of beauty, compassion and integrity, notions which define our humanity. In extension, Orwell’s clinical tone in foregrounding the Party’s future endeavours “All children were to be begotten by artificial insemination (artsem it was called in Newspeak) and brought up in public institutions” affirms the depletion of these instinctive human values. ‘Artificial insemination’ metaphorically suggests similar futuristic visions to Lang’s “Metropolis” as Orwell fears the progression of technology will ultimately corrode the concept of familial bonds and hence humanity. By reducing such fundamental instincts to such a derogatory term, ‘artsem’, symbolises the foreboding concept of eliminating the belief of personal relationships is already embedded within ‘Newspeak’, the language of the Party. Therefore, both Orwell and Lang coalesce by exposing the silencing of individual thought, integrity and fertility, values that define our humanity as a result of the oppressive totalitarian regimes that dominated the 20th century.
In juxtaposition to the corrupted oppressor’s creations, both composers suggest a resolution to the lack of humanity is found within the suppressed voices of the totalitarian dictatorships, which is riddled within both composer’s text setting and their respective social landscape. Fritz Lang’s characterisation of Maria who epitomises the archetypal protective mother-figure, underscores Lang’s subtle hope in the revival of humanity and personal liberty which has been lost as a result of the decimation of Germany in World War One. Within the Eternal Gardens scene through long-shot Maria is immediately emphasised as a symbol of humanity’s beauty and frailty. The use of iris effect frames and softened high-key lighting on Maria as the children naturally gravitate towards her visually illustrates the splendour of nurture and fertility which has been depleted as a result of oppressive regime. Lang’s use of direct gaze between Maria and Freder overtly opposes contextual concerns of the class division within Weimar Germany as Lang underlines the importance of unity and the collective in order to revive the lost humanity as a result of oppressive regimes. Maria’s purity is further foregrounded in the ‘Rescuing of the children scene’. Through the flooding of the water, biblical allusions to the cleansing of the human condition symbolises the rebirth of humanity. The juxtaposition of the tall city buildings in the background compared to the small children and Maria as well as the location of these characters within the ‘depths of Metropolis’, visually symbolises the insignificance of the human voice and its lack of ability to speak within this totalitarian society. Also, the low angled mid shot of the children’s hands reaching towards Maria as well as Freder’s appearance subtly represents the need for the unification of the ‘hands’ underscored by the children, the ‘head’ represented by Freder’s aristocratic dress and the ‘heart’ personified through Maria’s rescuing of the children, in order to revive the mankind’s silenced values as a result of the oppressor’s total control of communication between the social classes, a prominent concern within Weimar Germany.
Comparatively, Orwell continues this notion of subtle hope in humanity through the characterisation of the Prole Woman. Orwell’s descriptive language, ‘The solid, contourless body, like a block of granite, and the rasping red skin, bore the same relation to the body of a girl as the rose-hip to the rose’ accentuates a strange sense of beauty about the Prole Woman. The alliterative language and extensive use of similes, juxtaposes the austere nihilistic tone that forebodes the novel to exaggerate the beauty of humanity which is completely inhibited by the totalitarian regime. Like Maria, the Prole Woman represents the fundamental qualities of humanity such as fertility, compassion and integrity as symbolised through her appearance, ‘She had only strong arms, a warm heart and a fertile belly’. Continuing this, Orwell’s extended metaphor of the Prole Woman representing a ‘wild rose’ parallels with Lang’s representation of Maria to emphasise the significance of preserving the human condition and its integral values of humility, family and compassion that inspire human growth. Orwell’s illumination of the Prole Woman’s human frailty and beauty is ironically contradicted through Syme’s dialogue, ‘”The proles are not human beings” he said carelessly’, clearly exaggerates the removal of the significance of human imperfection within the oppressive regime, allowing Orwell to forcefully expose the dangers of totalitarian regimes and the control of language and individual thought which results. It is through both composer’s Illustration of the lower class’s beauty and human integrity within these dystopic forecasts to emphasise the importance of unification and the breakdown of social divides becomes in order to revive humanity which has been silenced by these oppressive regimes.
In conclusion, through the comparison of both texts and their respective contexts, the importance of appreciating the potent effects beauty and compassion have on the formation of positive human relationships and its capacity to inspire significant human achievement is heightened. Despite differing context and textual form, both composers coalesce in emphasising the forceful control totalitarian regimes exert over the masses through the control of language and it’s destruction of mankind’s values to illuminate the importance of challenging the erosion of fundamental innate qualities such as the desire for intimacy and fertility that define our humanity.
Post by: Ellie__ on March 09, 2017, 05:37:48 am
Hi ATAR Notes,
Firstly just want to say, you guys are absolutely AMAZING!!
Could you please have a read through my essay for Module A
Texts used are- Metropolis Film- Fritz Lang
- !984- George Orwell
The question is- Compare the ways in which mankind’s values are lost and silenced through the lack of ability to speak in both Metropolis and 1984, where language is a controlling factor
...
Hi again ATAR Notes,
It said that I got a response to this essay but I can't seem to find it, are you able to please post it again?
Sorry,
Thankyou!!!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 09, 2017, 11:36:43 am
Hi again ATAR Notes,
It said that I got a response to this essay but I can't seem to find it, are you able to please post it again?
Sorry,
Thankyou!!!!
Hey Ellie! That notification could have just been for the post by anotherworld above, but I swear I replied to your essay last night! It was late, like 2am, perhaps I dreamed it? Oh well ;)
Thanks for posting your essay!! Our essay marking rules (which you can read here) require you to have 15 posts on the forums for every bit of feedback. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up while still spending the full 30mins-1hour we like to spend on marking them ;D
SO right now you are at 6 posts, you'll need another 10 posts or so to be eligible for some proper feedback! ;D
That said, I know your essay is due tomorrow so I did have a quick read of your essay last night (and now once again this morning to refresh me) - I'll give you some super quick pointers.
- I would say your Thesis on beauty and relationships at the start, while really interesting, needs to be related to the idea of 'control' a little more strongly to suit the question. Perhaps explore how control LIMITS these things? The thing is, the paragraph topics are fine - It's just that Thesis at the start that doesn't suit (and you aren't really mentioning it again anyway - Perhaps just change it to match the rest of your essay?)
- Fantastic analysis throughout your essay - Lots of techniques, links to context, all the pieces. Great work there. I'd like to see you extend this analysis to considering audience impact just a little bit more - What does the audience learn about the themes you are discussing? This is more effective than just saying what we observe/realise about the text/characters/plot - That's a text focused response and it isn't as sophisticated.
- A little more comparison would be effective in addressing the question. Try to refer to 1984 in your Metropolis paragraphs and vice versa. Draw connections between them, highlight things that are done differently. Doing it just in the first sentence isn't quite enough to REALLY push that comparison idea. Long term, you may want to integrate the response, but for now just a few references throughout would do the trick ;D
- TO cut down, try to look for places where you explain the plot of the text. Those bits are unnecessary. Your analysis can simply be, "The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE reveals ______________ to the audience." You don't need to explain where the quote fits, and if describing a film technique, keep the explanation of where it appears as short as possible ;D
I think you should be really happy with this Ellie. Fabulous analysis, and I think it answers the question well. Just make sure your first sentence matches the ideas in the rest of your essay and the question, and that you are making as many comparisons between the texts as possible ;D
Post by: Ellie__ on March 09, 2017, 03:22:25 pm
Hey Ellie! That notification could have just been for the post by anotherworld above, but I swear I replied to your essay last night! It was late, like 2am, perhaps I dreamed it? Oh well ;)
Thanks for posting your essay!! Our essay marking rules (which you can read here) require you to have 15 posts on the forums for every bit of feedback. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up while still spending the full 30mins-1hour we like to spend on marking them ;D
SO right now you are at 6 posts, you'll need another 10 posts or so to be eligible for some proper feedback! ;D
That said, I know your essay is due tomorrow so I did have a quick read of your essay last night (and now once again this morning to refresh me) - I'll give you some super quick pointers.
- I would say your Thesis on beauty and relationships at the start, while really interesting, needs to be related to the idea of 'control' a little more strongly to suit the question. Perhaps explore how control LIMITS these things? The thing is, the paragraph topics are fine - It's just that Thesis at the start that doesn't suit (and you aren't really mentioning it again anyway - Perhaps just change it to match the rest of your essay?)
- Fantastic analysis throughout your essay - Lots of techniques, links to context, all the pieces. Great work there. I'd like to see you extend this analysis to considering audience impact just a little bit more - What does the audience learn about the themes you are discussing? This is more effective than just saying what we observe/realise about the text/characters/plot - That's a text focused response and it isn't as sophisticated.
- A little more comparison would be effective in addressing the question. Try to refer to 1984 in your Metropolis paragraphs and vice versa. Draw connections between them, highlight things that are done differently. Doing it just in the first sentence isn't quite enough to REALLY push that comparison idea. Long term, you may want to integrate the response, but for now just a few references throughout would do the trick ;D
- TO cut down, try to look for places where you explain the plot of the text. Those bits are unnecessary. Your analysis can simply be, "The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE reveals ______________ to the audience." You don't need to explain where the quote fits, and if describing a film technique, keep the explanation of where it appears as short as possible ;D
I think you should be really happy with this Ellie. Fabulous analysis, and I think it answers the question well. Just make sure your first sentence matches the ideas in the rest of your essay and the question, and that you are making as many comparisons between the texts as possible ;D
Ahh thankyou that has really helped!! And okay thankyou, I'll remember that for next time!
You guys are legends!!!
Post by: sophiegmaher on March 12, 2017, 12:17:05 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 12, 2017, 12:20:47 pm
Is there anywhere to get a Discovery essay marked??
Yep, right here! ;D
Post by: sophiegmaher on March 12, 2017, 12:42:02 pm
Yep, right here! ;D
Thank you! I just posted it :)
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on March 13, 2017, 09:52:42 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 13, 2017, 11:11:33 am
Past papers is the most effective way of preparing for your Exams correct.
Definitely! In conjunction with anything else that is helpful to you - Palm cards with quotes, writing notes, essay plans, etc ☺
Post by: MEL7401 on March 14, 2017, 09:48:47 pm
I have an essay due tomorrow morning for Module A- Comparative Study of Texts and Contexts
Just wondering whether anyone would have time to check over it- see if it makes sense, and tell me what I can cut out, because we have to present it as a speech-5 minutes max and its way over :-\
btw- it doesn't sound like a speech because our teacher just wants us to read out the essay!!
Thanks very much
I also need a greeting and ending...
Question:
The stimulus conveys the idea that human beings possess a natural proclivity (tendency) to make distinctions based on conceived biases and prejudices. This sense of distinction initiates conflict, impinging (negatively affecting) upon the creation of equality and equity through an absence of positive and familiar interactions.
To what extent do the ideas contained in this stimulus text hold true in relation to the issues presented in your prescribed texts of study: To Kill a Mockingbird and Ruby Bridges.
(In your response you should focus closely on your prescribed texts’ contexts, perspectives, attitudes and values while drawing connections to ideas presented in the stimulus texts)
Humans have a pre disposition to form stereotypical biases and prejudices against others. These prejudicial distinctions create conflict, and due to this, societal groups are not equal because there is a lack of interaction between groups. The intertextual perspectives presented within a text are reflective of its context, which will impact upon the perspectives and how the responder will interpret it. The ideas portrayed in the stimulus hold true in relation to the issues explored in the prescribed texts to a significant extent. Prejudicial issues are undoubtedly evident in the prescribed texts, Harper Lee’s 1960 novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Euzhan Palcy’s 1998 film, Ruby Bridges. Both texts explicitly explore an individual’s tendency to construct a conceptual framework of prejudice, which gives rise to internal and external conflicts, impacting a human’s equality due to an absence of interactions.
From childhood, humans are indoctrinated to develop a predetermined schema which reflects societal prejudices that have been constitutionally engrained, due to assumptions and life experiences. The world can be observed in a more naïve manner when elders instil values into children, determining who to rely on, share resources with and who to avoid. Harper Lee explores this through a child’s perspective highlighting the innocence of youth, as exemplified by, “Our kind of folks don’t like the Cunninghams, the Cunninghams don’t like the Ewells, and the Ewells hate and despise the coloured folks.” Jem’s use of high modality language conveys the historical context of the text, as the children have no power over the establishment of the attitudes and values presented here. This intertextual perspective encourages the responder to realise that due to the social context of the time, although not all whites were equal, black people were clearly the inferior race. Similarly, Palcy powerfully states from a juvenile perspective that children were indoctrinated to accept and believe all attitudes and values their parents instilled in them. For instance, a conversation between Ruby and Jimmy explicitly portrays the real facts, as demonstrated through, “My mummy told me not to talk to you, because you’re a nigger”. Jimmy’s use of derogatory language immediately draws empathy from the responder for Ruby, and it can be interpreted that Jimmy has adopted his mother’s attitude towards black people and believes in what was socially accepted at the time. As it is shot from close-up, the viewer can perceive the expression on Ruby’s face in reaction to Jimmy’s blunt statement, and it is evident that although she accepted what he said, her feelings were hurt. Her innocence is reflective of the attitudes and values she has developed from her own mother, to ensure that she treats everybody equally and fairly. Hence, it is undoubtedly evident, that the prescribed texts explicitly hold true in relation to the idea stemmed from the stimulus that human beings develop a predetermined schema from childhood, due to the tendency to consider the cues elders believe in.
Predetermined prejudices and biases give rise to internal and external conflicts within characters and their associated society. A social system built on the oppression of black people will give rise to intimate struggles within a character and initiate external conflicts in society through a passive or aggressive manner. To Kill a Mockingbird explores aggressive conflict through Tom’s death, as exemplified by, "Tom's dead…they shot him…He was running.” The short sentences and emotive language used in the text convey how shocked Atticus was at the news of his death, and draw empathy from the reader in relation to the reality of the actions that have occurred. This intertextual perspective relates to the cultural context of the time, and the responder understands, that despite the innocence of Tom, he was killed. Tom’s death, highlights how he had also experienced inner conflict, as “he just broke into a blind raving charge” presented metaphorically through zoomorphism, as he could no longer face the inevitable struggle of his conviction. This reflects the values and attitudes that Tom upholds, as he believed that he was innocent, however his attitude towards society’s conviction that black people were inferior to white people, encourages the reader to interpret that he has no power over the social context of Maycomb. Similarly, Palcy portrays Ruby’s internal conflicts through her unfounded belief that whites are better than blacks. Palcy effectively juxtaposes Ruby’s changing views of herself and the surrounding community through her drawings. Initially “she draws coloured folk deformed and white folk perfect” which is juxtaposed with her final drawings where “she’s certainly wearing out all the brown ones”. Ruby’s perspective of herself is impinged upon by the social and cultural context of the time, however through an intellectual awakening she comes to believe in the values instilled within her that all humans are equal, and skin colour doesn’t determine who is greater. Ruby Bridges also contains a lot of passive conflict which is exhibited through the mobs outside the school. An overhead shot of the mobs depicts the intensity and hostility of the crowd, whilst the accompaniment of diegetic sounds in the protesting, “2-4-6-8. We don’t want to integrate”, supports the social and cultural context of the time, as it was unanimously accepted that whites would not integrate with blacks. This intertextual perspective is evident throughout both texts, and it allows the reader to interpret the prejudicial distinctions that clearly define ‘us’ and ‘them’, as explored in the stimulus. Thus, the prescribed texts explicitly hold true to the ideas in the stimulus that prejudices initiate conflict and impinge upon the equality of societal groups.
Prejudices are highly malleable and fluctuate with exposure to and interactions with certain societal groups. An absence of contact between these groups in the 20th Century, allowed for false stereotypes to develop, however as the stimulus conveys, with the increase of familiar interactions and experience between opposing groups, the likelihood of being influenced by prejudices was reduced. To Kill a Mockingbird portrays that positive interactions allow characters to understand each other from different perspectives. Scout’s reflection on Atticus’s statement, “You never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them”, conveys her intellectual awakening through emotive language, suggesting to the responder, that intergroup contact with ostracised groups allows for the formation of equality. As Scout was “just standing on the Radley Porch”, she reflected on the values and attitudes Atticus instilled in her as a child, and overcame the social context of Maycomb, by gaining a new respect for Boo and understanding that his experience was as important as hers. Likewise, Ruby Bridges portrays the importance of positive interactions, through a conversational shot between Mrs Henry and Ruby, displaying that all people are equal and should not be distinguished due to the colour of their skin. The dialogue, “We know that all people are special and that we should respect everyone….There was a time in the South, when white people used to own Negroes… In the North…we knew that was wrong”, illustrates the historical context of the film as it alludes to slavery. Mrs Henry’s use of inclusive language “we”, emphasises that Ruby and Mrs Henry both uphold the same values and attitudes in relation to equity. This intertextual perspective, enables the responder to interpret that due to the interaction of white and black people in the North, they were “less likely to be influenced by stereotypes and prejudices”, as stated in the stimulus. Therefore, it is evident in the texts that positive and familiar interactions, decrease the likelihood of developing prejudices, which clearly holds true to the ideas presented in the stimulus.
Undoubtedly, it is evident that social creatures possess a natural tendency to create opinions and stereotypical perspectives based on preconceived biases and prejudices. Assumptions and life experiences allow prejudices to be formed, which gives rise to internal and external conflict within individuals and societal groups. Conversely, intergroup contact reduces the likelihood of forming prejudices, due to positive interactions and exposure to certain groups that individuals and society are prejudiced against. Conclusively, it is understood that these ideas presented in the stimulus hold true in the prescribed texts to a substantial extent.
Mod Edit: Post merge :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 14, 2017, 10:26:28 pm
Hello :D I'm Yr 11...
I have an essay due tomorrow morning for Module A- Comparative Study of Texts and Contexts
Just wondering whether anyone would have time to check over it- see if it makes sense, and tell me what I can cut out, because we have to present it as a speech-5 minutes max and its way over :-\
btw- it doesn't sound like a speech because our teacher just wants us to read out the essay!!
Thanks very much
Hey Mel! Since you need it now my comments will need to be brief! But I hope they help regardless:
- Cool concept set up in your Thesis, and strong links to the module aims too! I'd like to see you link the module aims WITH the concept though - It just seems like at the start, you are talking about prejudice and then all of a sudden start talking about intertextual perspectives. The transition isn't quite smooth.
- Right now, you are using two or even three sentences per quote to do your analysis. The first one is retell, the next is the good bit - To cut your essay down try merging into one or two! Let me give you an example:
Harper Lee explores this through a child’s perspective highlighting the innocence of youth, as exemplified by, “Our kind of folks don’t like the Cunninghams, the Cunninghams don’t like the Ewells, and the Ewells hate and despise the coloured folks.” Jem’s use of high modality language conveys the historical context of the text, as the children have no power over the establishment of the attitudes and values presented here. This intertextual perspective encourages the responder to realise that due to the social context of the time, although not all whites were equal, black people were clearly the inferior race.
We can cut that down to:
Harper Lee's use of high modality language in phrases such as, "Our kind of folks don't like the Cunninghams," clearly conveys the racial prejudices that were typical of the Lee's social context.
I did pretty much all the important things you did, in one third of the space. I eliminated the retell part (the children, unless you think that was relevant), shortened the quote, and in general just trimmed the word choice. Try and do this as much as possible. Remember, plot details are irrelevant - You don't need to say a quote is from a "conversation with Ruby," or anything like that - Just hit me with the technique! :)
- Be sure to always connect to the audience, not the characters. For example, "it is evident that although she accepted what he said, her feelings were hurt" - That bit is analysing impacts on characters. That's irrelevant - I want impacts on AUDIENCE! Ditto for discussing quotes - Never say "Scout says this", say, "The composer does this." If there is one thing to remember it is this: Characters are just puppets.
That's pretty much the comments I'd make at this stage! Your concepts are good, you are using techniques, you've got a good structure - Just working on execution would be great and should hopefully let you cut the word count down! Good luck with the speech ;D
Post by: MEL7401 on March 15, 2017, 05:54:01 am
Hey Mel! Since you need it now my comments will need to be brief! But I hope they help regardless:Thankyou very much!!
- Cool concept set up in your Thesis, and strong links to the module aims too! I'd like to see you link the module aims WITH the concept though - It just seems like at the start, you are talking about prejudice and then all of a sudden start talking about intertextual perspectives. The transition isn't quite smooth.
- Right now, you are using two or even three sentences per quote to do your analysis. The first one is retell, the next is the good bit - To cut your essay down try merging into one or two! Let me give you an example:
Harper Lee explores this through a child’s perspective highlighting the innocence of youth, as exemplified by, “Our kind of folks don’t like the Cunninghams, the Cunninghams don’t like the Ewells, and the Ewells hate and despise the coloured folks.” Jem’s use of high modality language conveys the historical context of the text, as the children have no power over the establishment of the attitudes and values presented here. This intertextual perspective encourages the responder to realise that due to the social context of the time, although not all whites were equal, black people were clearly the inferior race.
We can cut that down to:
Harper Lee's use of high modality language in phrases such as, "Our kind of folks don't like the Cunninghams," clearly conveys the racial prejudices that were typical of the Lee's social context.
I did pretty much all the important things you did, in one third of the space. I eliminated the retell part (the children, unless you think that was relevant), shortened the quote, and in general just trimmed the word choice. Try and do this as much as possible. Remember, plot details are irrelevant - You don't need to say a quote is from a "conversation with Ruby," or anything like that - Just hit me with the technique! :)
- Be sure to always connect to the audience, not the characters. For example, "it is evident that although she accepted what he said, her feelings were hurt" - That bit is analysing impacts on characters. That's irrelevant - I want impacts on AUDIENCE! Ditto for discussing quotes - Never say "Scout says this", say, "The composer does this." If there is one thing to remember it is this: Characters are just puppets.
That's pretty much the comments I'd make at this stage! Your concepts are good, you are using techniques, you've got a good structure - Just working on execution would be great and should hopefully let you cut the word count down! Good luck with the speech ;D
Hopefully I will be able to cut out a minute or so...
Post by: reenashainz on March 15, 2017, 09:20:56 am
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 15, 2017, 09:27:22 am
Hi, do you have any threads for marking AOS essays?
We certainly do! Click this link! :)
Post by: ellipse on March 17, 2017, 08:15:58 am
An estimated mark out of 20 is also greatly appreciated, although I haven't finished the conclusion, thank you very much
Spoiler
Question: Explore the ways in which a comparative study of your TWO prescribed texts demonstrate how context plays a significant role in portraying values.
In exploring the views expressed by composers of varying epochs, audiences are privy to the ways of thinking in these respective times to shape their own perspectives. Scott Fitzgerald in his satirical novel The Great Gatsby (Gatsby) (1925) is influenced by the post-war, jazz age values and ideas of modernism while Elizabeth Barret Browning’s poetry Sonnets from the Portuguese (Sonnets) (1850) expresses her perspective on the values of romanticism which includes the transcendental nature of love but at the same time she questions societal value of woman as being lower in status under the guise of the patriarchy. Both texts share their intertextual perspectives on vanity and the definition of love while they differ in their perspective of gender roles.
The Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barret Browning explores the power and purity of love between a man and a woman. Browning’s suite of sonnets were written during the Victorian Era, where love was thought to be pure and transcendental and was expected to last forever, as per the Christian views. These contextual influences on her portrayal of love is reflected in Sonnet 1, which depicts her struggle through depression “the sad years, the melancholy years,” emphasizing the length of her depression through the epiphora. However, at the Volta, it is love that transforms this, giving her hope and a sense of purpose. Browning conveys this powerful love for Robert in her sonnet 43 as reflected in the anaphora “I love thee freely… I love thee purely,” highlighting her intense love that transcends reality and the physical world. This is furthermore evident through the spatial metaphor “I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach,” also alluding to her the passionate spirituality of her love. Browning’s views on romance is that it is sacred with ‘souls drawing nigh and nigher”, using the adjective and comparative adjective to accentuate the spirituality of her love that moves beyond the physical. Through this, it is evident that as love is considered Barrett Browning’s saviour, it cannot be anything but pure and constant.
In contrast, The Great Gatsby explores the perspective on the morality and superficiality of love. The emerging socio-economic changes after world war 1 which lead to the Great Depression has transformed the perceptions on love as influenced by materialistic values and ideas; wealth, class, and status. Daisy is described as a ‘golden girl,’ with a voice ‘full of money,’ which alliteratively elucidates her wealth and beauty through the symbolic colour of gold, the main facet that initially engenders Gatsby’s love. Furthermore, her voice being “full of money” metaphorically reinforces the power of wealth that dictates Gatsby’s love for daisy. The green light at the end of Daisy’s dock symbolises the greed and obsession with momentary wealth that undermines the purity of the love Gatsby has for Daisy. This love for Daisy is overshadowed by his attempts to accumulate wealth and status in order to buy a reciprocation of his feelings as highlighted through the descriptive language and layering in “period bedrooms swathed in rose and lavender silk and vivid new floors” and “a toilet set of pure dull gold” which reveals the culture of conspicuous consumerism that Gatsby believes will earn him Daisy’s love. Hence, influenced by the post-war, Jazz age society, Fitzgerald clearly portrays ideas of materialism and superficial love in his novel whereas Browning portrays love as pure and transcendental as influenced by the contrasting epochs of the Victorian Era.
Gender roles are carefully designed in varying times to elucidate the patriarchy but at the same time portraying feminist values of their respective times. Browning’s relationship with her father is reflective of this patriarchy as emphasized in the allusion “contrarious moods of men recoil away” in sonnet 22 which refers to her tyrannical father’s strong opposition to a romantic relationship between her and Robert Browning. The oxymoron in “the sweet, sad years” also creates a sense of missed opportunities and the lonely life Browning has led due to her father’s domineering influence and her own illness. Moreover, Browning wants to be allowed to use “silence” as an essential element of femininity to demonstrate her love – often conveyed through facial gestures and coyness which are requisites of women of the 19th century as reflected in sonnet 13 when Browning says “let the silence of my womanhood commend…” The emotive language as well as the metaphorical ‘silence’ alludes to this femineity. Hence, influenced by the societal conventions of the Victorian era, browning clearly portrays patriarchal values and ideas on the role of women in her sonnets.
The Great Gatsby also demonstrates a similar, yet a more negative perspective on the role of women during the Jazz age era. The hedonistic society of the roaring twenties were fostered with male supremacy, in which the societal norms objectified women, greatly influencing Fitzgerald’s portrayal of Daisy. Her lower status under the guise of patriarchy is highlighted when Tom and Gatsby supress her from making any decisions as reflected when Gatsby asserts “Your wife doesn’t love you. She never loved you, she loves me.” The forceful, commanding semantics and the high modality language of ‘never’ elucidates the power of male dominance on the social conventions of the roaring twenties to such an extent that the female’s choices are overshadowed by the males. Furthermore, Fitzgerald uses connotations associated with ‘fool’ to depict women as the inferior, powerless gender in the society, as highlighted when daisy asserts “I’m glad it’s a girl. And I Hope she’ll be a fool – that’s best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” The juxtaposition between ‘beautiful’ and ‘fool’ also emphasizes the contradictory expectation of society on women in that they are romanticised as being ‘beautiful,’ yet otherwise remain as insignificant, powerless fool. Hence, influenced by the patriarchal society of both the Jazz are and the Victorian Era, both composers reflect similar values and ideas on the role of women in their respective text.
In exploring the views expressed by composers of varying epochs, audiences are privy to the ways of thinking in these respective times to shape their own perspectives. Scott Fitzgerald in his satirical novel The Great Gatsby (Gatsby) (1925) is influenced by the post-war, jazz age values and ideas of modernism while Elizabeth Barret Browning’s poetry Sonnets from the Portuguese (Sonnets) (1850) expresses her perspective on the values of romanticism which includes the transcendental nature of love but at the same time she questions societal value of woman as being lower in status under the guise of the patriarchy. Both texts share their intertextual perspectives on vanity and the definition of love while they differ in their perspective of gender roles.
The Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barret Browning explores the power and purity of love between a man and a woman. Browning’s suite of sonnets were written during the Victorian Era, where love was thought to be pure and transcendental and was expected to last forever, as per the Christian views. These contextual influences on her portrayal of love is reflected in Sonnet 1, which depicts her struggle through depression “the sad years, the melancholy years,” emphasizing the length of her depression through the epiphora. However, at the Volta, it is love that transforms this, giving her hope and a sense of purpose. Browning conveys this powerful love for Robert in her sonnet 43 as reflected in the anaphora “I love thee freely… I love thee purely,” highlighting her intense love that transcends reality and the physical world. This is furthermore evident through the spatial metaphor “I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach,” also alluding to her the passionate spirituality of her love. Browning’s views on romance is that it is sacred with ‘souls drawing nigh and nigher”, using the adjective and comparative adjective to accentuate the spirituality of her love that moves beyond the physical. Through this, it is evident that as love is considered Barrett Browning’s saviour, it cannot be anything but pure and constant.
In contrast, The Great Gatsby explores the perspective on the morality and superficiality of love. The emerging socio-economic changes after world war 1 which lead to the Great Depression has transformed the perceptions on love as influenced by materialistic values and ideas; wealth, class, and status. Daisy is described as a ‘golden girl,’ with a voice ‘full of money,’ which alliteratively elucidates her wealth and beauty through the symbolic colour of gold, the main facet that initially engenders Gatsby’s love. Furthermore, her voice being “full of money” metaphorically reinforces the power of wealth that dictates Gatsby’s love for daisy. The green light at the end of Daisy’s dock symbolises the greed and obsession with momentary wealth that undermines the purity of the love Gatsby has for Daisy. This love for Daisy is overshadowed by his attempts to accumulate wealth and status in order to buy a reciprocation of his feelings as highlighted through the descriptive language and layering in “period bedrooms swathed in rose and lavender silk and vivid new floors” and “a toilet set of pure dull gold” which reveals the culture of conspicuous consumerism that Gatsby believes will earn him Daisy’s love. Hence, influenced by the post-war, Jazz age society, Fitzgerald clearly portrays ideas of materialism and superficial love in his novel whereas Browning portrays love as pure and transcendental as influenced by the contrasting epochs of the Victorian Era.
Gender roles are carefully designed in varying times to elucidate the patriarchy but at the same time portraying feminist values of their respective times. Browning’s relationship with her father is reflective of this patriarchy as emphasized in the allusion “contrarious moods of men recoil away” in sonnet 22 which refers to her tyrannical father’s strong opposition to a romantic relationship between her and Robert Browning. The oxymoron in “the sweet, sad years” also creates a sense of missed opportunities and the lonely life Browning has led due to her father’s domineering influence and her own illness. Moreover, Browning wants to be allowed to use “silence” as an essential element of femininity to demonstrate her love – often conveyed through facial gestures and coyness which are requisites of women of the 19th century as reflected in sonnet 13 when Browning says “let the silence of my womanhood commend…” The emotive language as well as the metaphorical ‘silence’ alludes to this femineity. Hence, influenced by the societal conventions of the Victorian era, browning clearly portrays patriarchal values and ideas on the role of women in her sonnets.
The Great Gatsby also demonstrates a similar, yet a more negative perspective on the role of women during the Jazz age era. The hedonistic society of the roaring twenties were fostered with male supremacy, in which the societal norms objectified women, greatly influencing Fitzgerald’s portrayal of Daisy. Her lower status under the guise of patriarchy is highlighted when Tom and Gatsby supress her from making any decisions as reflected when Gatsby asserts “Your wife doesn’t love you. She never loved you, she loves me.” The forceful, commanding semantics and the high modality language of ‘never’ elucidates the power of male dominance on the social conventions of the roaring twenties to such an extent that the female’s choices are overshadowed by the males. Furthermore, Fitzgerald uses connotations associated with ‘fool’ to depict women as the inferior, powerless gender in the society, as highlighted when daisy asserts “I’m glad it’s a girl. And I Hope she’ll be a fool – that’s best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” The juxtaposition between ‘beautiful’ and ‘fool’ also emphasizes the contradictory expectation of society on women in that they are romanticised as being ‘beautiful,’ yet otherwise remain as insignificant, powerless fool. Hence, influenced by the patriarchal society of both the Jazz are and the Victorian Era, both composers reflect similar values and ideas on the role of women in their respective text.
Post by: jenna.ridgway on March 17, 2017, 06:13:05 pm
I was hoping to get some feedback on my discovery essay. It's too long at the moment, so if I repeat myself or say anything irrelevant please let me know so I can cut it down!
It's an in-class essay with an unseen question ( :'( ), but the question will want us to "explore the concept of speculation"
My main text is "The Tempest" and my related is a speech by Margaret Atwood called "Attitude"
Thanks,
Jenna.
EDIT: I just realised this is an AOS not a module. :'( If you could still take a look that would be amazing !!!!! Id not that's cool.
Post by: tissue on March 18, 2017, 12:27:54 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 18, 2017, 10:01:59 pm
Hi there,
I was hoping to get some feedback on my discovery essay. It's too long at the moment, so if I repeat myself or say anything irrelevant please let me know so I can cut it down!
Feedback on this Module A essay of JC and The Pricne would be greatly appreciated :D
Hi Jenna and Tissue! On the forums we request 15 posts in order to get a full creative/essay marked. With half yearlies being so crazy right now, we need to enforce that! Jenna, you need 12 more posts and tissue you just need one!
Jenna, if you need help on the ASAP, feel free to post your introduction, or your concepts/thesis statements, if you'd like feedback on them if they're troubling you at all and we can give you some help in the interim.
:)
Post by: jenna.ridgway on March 18, 2017, 10:21:06 pm
If you could just take a look at my intro, that would be great. The question asks us to "explore the concept of speculation"
By changing one’s attitude, individuals have the power to change the future. Thus, the transformative impact of discovery is evident through an individual’s willingness to speculate on their previously held values and beliefs. In William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, Shakespeare highlights the importance of the feminine voice, challenging his audience to consider how values of compassion, empathy and forgiveness are crucial in creating a more optimistic future. Likewise, in her speech Attitude, Margaret Atwood empowers her audience to recognise the ability they have to change the world for the better, thus creating more dimensional self-perceptions.
Thanks heaps, I'll work towards my 15 posts asap.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 12:06:44 am
Hello all. Could anyone please mark my essay for Mod A Gatsby and Browning?
An estimated mark out of 20 is also greatly appreciated, although I haven't finished the conclusion, thank you very much
We'll get this marked for you very soon ellipse! Just making sure you know you weren't missed ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 19, 2017, 08:30:06 am
Hello all. Could anyone please mark my essay for Mod A Gatsby and Browning?
An estimated mark out of 20 is also greatly appreciated, although I haven't finished the conclusion, thank you very much
Sorry Ellipse, I actually did totally miss you until I saw Jamon's post!
Your feedback is in the spoiler :)
Spoiler
Question: Explore the ways in which a comparative study of your TWO prescribed texts demonstrate how context plays a significant role in portraying values.
In exploring the views expressed by composers of varying epochs, audiences are privy to the ways of thinking in these respective times to shape their own perspectives. Scott Fitzgerald in his satirical novel The Great Gatsby (Gatsby) (1925) is influenced by the post-war, jazz age values and ideas of modernism while Elizabeth Barret Browning’s poetry Sonnets from the Portuguese (Sonnets) (1850) expresses her perspective on the values of romanticism which includes the transcendental nature of love but at the same time she questions societal value of woman as being lower in status under the guise of the patriarchy. I'd split this sentence into two - it's very long and we don't get to absorb your great intro to the second text because of it's length. Both texts share their intertextual perspectives on vanity and the definition of love while they differ in their perspective of gender roles Maybe add something here about the way context adjusts the representation of the perspectives to link it back to the question 1 more time? It only has to be brief..
The Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barret Browning explores the power and purity of love between a man and a woman. Browning’s suite of sonnets were written during the Victorian Era, where love was thought to be pure and transcendental and was expected to last forever, as per the Christian views. These contextual influences on her portrayal of love is reflected in Sonnet 1, which depicts her struggle through depression “the sad years, the melancholy years,” emphasizing emphasising* the length of her depression through the epiphora. However, at the Volta, it is love that transforms this, giving her hope and a sense of purpose that love in the Victorian Era promised.. Browning conveys this powerful love for Robert in her sonnet 43 as reflected in the anaphora “I love thee freely… I love thee purely,” highlighting her intense love that transcends reality and the physical world. This is furthermore evident through the spatial metaphor “I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach,” also alluding to her the passionate spirituality of her love. Browning’s views on romance is that it is sacred with ‘souls drawing nigh and nigher”, using the adjective and comparative adjective to accentuate the spirituality of her love that moves beyond the physical. Through this, it is evident that as love is considered Barrett Browning’s saviour, it cannot be anything but pure and constant. More mention of context needed in order to show you're attacking the question :) I've suggested a small way to integrate it a bit more, but it just sits towards the beginning. We need it throughout :)
In contrast, The Great Gatsby explores the perspective on the morality and superficiality of love. The emerging socio-economic changes after world war 1 Capitalise this: World War One :)which lead to the Great Depression has transformed the perceptions on love as influenced by materialistic values and ideas; wealth, class, and status. Daisy is described as a ‘golden girl,’ with a voice ‘full of money,’ which alliteratively elucidates her wealth and beauty through the symbolic colour of gold, the main facet that initially engenders Gatsby’s love. Great! Furthermore, her voice being “full of money” metaphorically reinforces the power of wealth that dictates Gatsby’s love for daisy. The green light at the end of Daisy’s dock symbolises the greed and obsession with momentary wealth that undermines the purity of the love Gatsby has for Daisy. This love for Daisy is overshadowed by his attempts to accumulate wealth and status in order to buy a reciprocation of his feelings as highlighted through the descriptive language and layering in “period bedrooms swathed in rose and lavender silk and vivid new floors” and “a toilet set of pure dull gold” which reveals the culture of conspicuous consumerism that Gatsby believes will earn him Daisy’s love. Hence, influenced by the post-war, Jazz age society, Fitzgerald clearly portrays ideas of materialism and superficial love in his novel whereas Browning portrays love as pure and transcendental as influenced by the contrasting epochs of the Victorian Era. Great link to context at the end here.
Gender roles are carefully designed in varying times to elucidate the patriarchy but at the same time portraying feminist values of their respective times. Browning’s relationship with her father is reflective of this patriarchy as emphasized in the allusion “contrarious moods of men recoil away” in sonnet 22 which refers to her tyrannical father’s strong opposition to a romantic relationship between her and Robert Browning. The alliterative oxymoron in “the sweet, sad years” also creates a sense of missed opportunities and the lonely life Browning has led due to her father’s domineering influence and her own illness. Moreover, Browning wants to be allowed to use “silence” as an essential element of femininity to demonstrate her love – often conveyed through facial gestures and coyness which are requisites of women of the 19th century as reflected in sonnet 13 when Browning says “let the silence of my womanhood commend…” The emotive language as well as the metaphorical ‘silence’ alludes to this femininity*. Hence, influenced by the societal conventions of the Victorian era, browning clearly portrays patriarchal values and ideas on the role of women in her sonnets.
The Great Gatsby also demonstrates a similar, yet a more negative perspective on the role of women during the Jazz age era. I notice that you're describing the context with different vocabulary every time! That's great! The hedonistic society of the roaring twenties were fostered with male supremacy, in which the societal norms objectified women, greatly influencing Fitzgerald’s portrayal of Daisy. Her lower status under the guise of patriarchy is highlighted when Tom and Gatsby supress her from making any decisions as reflected when Gatsby asserts “Your wife doesn’t love you. She never loved you, she loves me.” The forceful, commanding semantics and the high modality language of ‘never’ elucidates the power of male dominance on the social conventions of the roaring twenties to such an extent that the female’s choices are overshadowed by the males. Reallly strong analysis here! Furthermore, Fitzgerald uses connotations associated with ‘fool’ to depict women as the inferior, powerless gender in the society, as highlighted when daisy asserts “I’m glad it’s a girl. And I Hope she’ll be a fool – that’s best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” The juxtaposition between ‘beautiful’ and ‘fool’ also emphasizes the contradictory expectation of society on women in that they are romanticised as being ‘beautiful,’ yet otherwise remain as insignificant, powerless fool. Hence, influenced by the patriarchal society of both the Jazz are and the Victorian Era, both composers reflect similar values and ideas on the role of women in their respective text.
In exploring the views expressed by composers of varying epochs, audiences are privy to the ways of thinking in these respective times to shape their own perspectives. Scott Fitzgerald in his satirical novel The Great Gatsby (Gatsby) (1925) is influenced by the post-war, jazz age values and ideas of modernism while Elizabeth Barret Browning’s poetry Sonnets from the Portuguese (Sonnets) (1850) expresses her perspective on the values of romanticism which includes the transcendental nature of love but at the same time she questions societal value of woman as being lower in status under the guise of the patriarchy. I'd split this sentence into two - it's very long and we don't get to absorb your great intro to the second text because of it's length. Both texts share their intertextual perspectives on vanity and the definition of love while they differ in their perspective of gender roles Maybe add something here about the way context adjusts the representation of the perspectives to link it back to the question 1 more time? It only has to be brief..
The Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barret Browning explores the power and purity of love between a man and a woman. Browning’s suite of sonnets were written during the Victorian Era, where love was thought to be pure and transcendental and was expected to last forever, as per the Christian views. These contextual influences on her portrayal of love is reflected in Sonnet 1, which depicts her struggle through depression “the sad years, the melancholy years,” emphasizing emphasising* the length of her depression through the epiphora. However, at the Volta, it is love that transforms this, giving her hope and a sense of purpose that love in the Victorian Era promised.. Browning conveys this powerful love for Robert in her sonnet 43 as reflected in the anaphora “I love thee freely… I love thee purely,” highlighting her intense love that transcends reality and the physical world. This is furthermore evident through the spatial metaphor “I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach,” also alluding to her the passionate spirituality of her love. Browning’s views on romance is that it is sacred with ‘souls drawing nigh and nigher”, using the adjective and comparative adjective to accentuate the spirituality of her love that moves beyond the physical. Through this, it is evident that as love is considered Barrett Browning’s saviour, it cannot be anything but pure and constant. More mention of context needed in order to show you're attacking the question :) I've suggested a small way to integrate it a bit more, but it just sits towards the beginning. We need it throughout :)
In contrast, The Great Gatsby explores the perspective on the morality and superficiality of love. The emerging socio-economic changes after world war 1 Capitalise this: World War One :)which lead to the Great Depression has transformed the perceptions on love as influenced by materialistic values and ideas; wealth, class, and status. Daisy is described as a ‘golden girl,’ with a voice ‘full of money,’ which alliteratively elucidates her wealth and beauty through the symbolic colour of gold, the main facet that initially engenders Gatsby’s love. Great! Furthermore, her voice being “full of money” metaphorically reinforces the power of wealth that dictates Gatsby’s love for daisy. The green light at the end of Daisy’s dock symbolises the greed and obsession with momentary wealth that undermines the purity of the love Gatsby has for Daisy. This love for Daisy is overshadowed by his attempts to accumulate wealth and status in order to buy a reciprocation of his feelings as highlighted through the descriptive language and layering in “period bedrooms swathed in rose and lavender silk and vivid new floors” and “a toilet set of pure dull gold” which reveals the culture of conspicuous consumerism that Gatsby believes will earn him Daisy’s love. Hence, influenced by the post-war, Jazz age society, Fitzgerald clearly portrays ideas of materialism and superficial love in his novel whereas Browning portrays love as pure and transcendental as influenced by the contrasting epochs of the Victorian Era. Great link to context at the end here.
Gender roles are carefully designed in varying times to elucidate the patriarchy but at the same time portraying feminist values of their respective times. Browning’s relationship with her father is reflective of this patriarchy as emphasized in the allusion “contrarious moods of men recoil away” in sonnet 22 which refers to her tyrannical father’s strong opposition to a romantic relationship between her and Robert Browning. The alliterative oxymoron in “the sweet, sad years” also creates a sense of missed opportunities and the lonely life Browning has led due to her father’s domineering influence and her own illness. Moreover, Browning wants to be allowed to use “silence” as an essential element of femininity to demonstrate her love – often conveyed through facial gestures and coyness which are requisites of women of the 19th century as reflected in sonnet 13 when Browning says “let the silence of my womanhood commend…” The emotive language as well as the metaphorical ‘silence’ alludes to this femininity*. Hence, influenced by the societal conventions of the Victorian era, browning clearly portrays patriarchal values and ideas on the role of women in her sonnets.
The Great Gatsby also demonstrates a similar, yet a more negative perspective on the role of women during the Jazz age era. I notice that you're describing the context with different vocabulary every time! That's great! The hedonistic society of the roaring twenties were fostered with male supremacy, in which the societal norms objectified women, greatly influencing Fitzgerald’s portrayal of Daisy. Her lower status under the guise of patriarchy is highlighted when Tom and Gatsby supress her from making any decisions as reflected when Gatsby asserts “Your wife doesn’t love you. She never loved you, she loves me.” The forceful, commanding semantics and the high modality language of ‘never’ elucidates the power of male dominance on the social conventions of the roaring twenties to such an extent that the female’s choices are overshadowed by the males. Reallly strong analysis here! Furthermore, Fitzgerald uses connotations associated with ‘fool’ to depict women as the inferior, powerless gender in the society, as highlighted when daisy asserts “I’m glad it’s a girl. And I Hope she’ll be a fool – that’s best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” The juxtaposition between ‘beautiful’ and ‘fool’ also emphasizes the contradictory expectation of society on women in that they are romanticised as being ‘beautiful,’ yet otherwise remain as insignificant, powerless fool. Hence, influenced by the patriarchal society of both the Jazz are and the Victorian Era, both composers reflect similar values and ideas on the role of women in their respective text.
This is a wonderful essay! Although it doesn't yet have a conclusion completed, I think it's in the top band. Your analysis of texts is really tight - you're combining quote, technique, effect and link in a very confident way and it's proving to be very effective for you! You're not afraid to bend the structure a little. There are times when I think a more direct attack on the question will be the thing that secures the top band for you, and I've pointed out some spots for this :) It seems that you become more confident with attacking the question as the essay goes on, so it really just sits in the first part that needs some work. You writing very eloquently, it's a credit to your expression! Out of 20...maybe 17/18? I feel a little inadequate taking a guess because I don't have marking criteria handy and I haven't studied your texts, but by going off everything else (expression, analysis, question-response, etc), I'd say you're at the top indeed! :)
Post by: ellipse on March 19, 2017, 05:24:30 pm
Sorry Ellipse, I actually did totally miss you until I saw Jamon's post!
Your feedback is in the spoiler :)SpoilerQuestion: Explore the ways in which a comparative study of your TWO prescribed texts demonstrate how context plays a significant role in portraying values.
In exploring the views expressed by composers of varying epochs, audiences are privy to the ways of thinking in these respective times to shape their own perspectives. Scott Fitzgerald in his satirical novel The Great Gatsby (Gatsby) (1925) is influenced by the post-war, jazz age values and ideas of modernism while Elizabeth Barret Browning’s poetry Sonnets from the Portuguese (Sonnets) (1850) expresses her perspective on the values of romanticism which includes the transcendental nature of love but at the same time she questions societal value of woman as being lower in status under the guise of the patriarchy. I'd split this sentence into two - it's very long and we don't get to absorb your great intro to the second text because of it's length. Both texts share their intertextual perspectives on vanity and the definition of love while they differ in their perspective of gender roles Maybe add something here about the way context adjusts the representation of the perspectives to link it back to the question 1 more time? It only has to be brief..
The Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barret Browning explores the power and purity of love between a man and a woman. Browning’s suite of sonnets were written during the Victorian Era, where love was thought to be pure and transcendental and was expected to last forever, as per the Christian views. These contextual influences on her portrayal of love is reflected in Sonnet 1, which depicts her struggle through depression “the sad years, the melancholy years,” emphasizing emphasising* the length of her depression through the epiphora. However, at the Volta, it is love that transforms this, giving her hope and a sense of purpose that love in the Victorian Era promised.. Browning conveys this powerful love for Robert in her sonnet 43 as reflected in the anaphora “I love thee freely… I love thee purely,” highlighting her intense love that transcends reality and the physical world. This is furthermore evident through the spatial metaphor “I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach,” also alluding to her the passionate spirituality of her love. Browning’s views on romance is that it is sacred with ‘souls drawing nigh and nigher”, using the adjective and comparative adjective to accentuate the spirituality of her love that moves beyond the physical. Through this, it is evident that as love is considered Barrett Browning’s saviour, it cannot be anything but pure and constant. More mention of context needed in order to show you're attacking the question :) I've suggested a small way to integrate it a bit more, but it just sits towards the beginning. We need it throughout :)
In contrast, The Great Gatsby explores the perspective on the morality and superficiality of love. The emerging socio-economic changes after world war 1 Capitalise this: World War One :)which lead to the Great Depression has transformed the perceptions on love as influenced by materialistic values and ideas; wealth, class, and status. Daisy is described as a ‘golden girl,’ with a voice ‘full of money,’ which alliteratively elucidates her wealth and beauty through the symbolic colour of gold, the main facet that initially engenders Gatsby’s love. Great! Furthermore, her voice being “full of money” metaphorically reinforces the power of wealth that dictates Gatsby’s love for daisy. The green light at the end of Daisy’s dock symbolises the greed and obsession with momentary wealth that undermines the purity of the love Gatsby has for Daisy. This love for Daisy is overshadowed by his attempts to accumulate wealth and status in order to buy a reciprocation of his feelings as highlighted through the descriptive language and layering in “period bedrooms swathed in rose and lavender silk and vivid new floors” and “a toilet set of pure dull gold” which reveals the culture of conspicuous consumerism that Gatsby believes will earn him Daisy’s love. Hence, influenced by the post-war, Jazz age society, Fitzgerald clearly portrays ideas of materialism and superficial love in his novel whereas Browning portrays love as pure and transcendental as influenced by the contrasting epochs of the Victorian Era. Great link to context at the end here.
Gender roles are carefully designed in varying times to elucidate the patriarchy but at the same time portraying feminist values of their respective times. Browning’s relationship with her father is reflective of this patriarchy as emphasized in the allusion “contrarious moods of men recoil away” in sonnet 22 which refers to her tyrannical father’s strong opposition to a romantic relationship between her and Robert Browning. The alliterative oxymoron in “the sweet, sad years” also creates a sense of missed opportunities and the lonely life Browning has led due to her father’s domineering influence and her own illness. Moreover, Browning wants to be allowed to use “silence” as an essential element of femininity to demonstrate her love – often conveyed through facial gestures and coyness which are requisites of women of the 19th century as reflected in sonnet 13 when Browning says “let the silence of my womanhood commend…” The emotive language as well as the metaphorical ‘silence’ alludes to this femininity*. Hence, influenced by the societal conventions of the Victorian era, browning clearly portrays patriarchal values and ideas on the role of women in her sonnets.
The Great Gatsby also demonstrates a similar, yet a more negative perspective on the role of women during the Jazz age era. I notice that you're describing the context with different vocabulary every time! That's great! The hedonistic society of the roaring twenties were fostered with male supremacy, in which the societal norms objectified women, greatly influencing Fitzgerald’s portrayal of Daisy. Her lower status under the guise of patriarchy is highlighted when Tom and Gatsby supress her from making any decisions as reflected when Gatsby asserts “Your wife doesn’t love you. She never loved you, she loves me.” The forceful, commanding semantics and the high modality language of ‘never’ elucidates the power of male dominance on the social conventions of the roaring twenties to such an extent that the female’s choices are overshadowed by the males. Reallly strong analysis here! Furthermore, Fitzgerald uses connotations associated with ‘fool’ to depict women as the inferior, powerless gender in the society, as highlighted when daisy asserts “I’m glad it’s a girl. And I Hope she’ll be a fool – that’s best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” The juxtaposition between ‘beautiful’ and ‘fool’ also emphasizes the contradictory expectation of society on women in that they are romanticised as being ‘beautiful,’ yet otherwise remain as insignificant, powerless fool. Hence, influenced by the patriarchal society of both the Jazz are and the Victorian Era, both composers reflect similar values and ideas on the role of women in their respective text.
This is a wonderful essay! Although it doesn't yet have a conclusion completed, I think it's in the top band. Your analysis of texts is really tight - you're combining quote, technique, effect and link in a very confident way and it's proving to be very effective for you! You're not afraid to bend the structure a little. There are times when I think a more direct attack on the question will be the thing that secures the top band for you, and I've pointed out some spots for this :) It seems that you become more confident with attacking the question as the essay goes on, so it really just sits in the first part that needs some work. You writing very eloquently, it's a credit to your expression! Out of 20...maybe 17/18? I feel a little inadequate taking a guess because I don't have marking criteria handy and I haven't studied your texts, but by going off everything else (expression, analysis, question-response, etc), I'd say you're at the top indeed! :)
Thank you very much for your time and feedback! :)
Post by: eugene.kim2 on March 19, 2017, 07:00:07 pm
This is an essay for Module C (Poetry of Auden), it would be really cool if you guys could take a look and give me some feedback. Thanks! :)
The question is listed in the top of the document, “The ways in which ideas, situations and events are represented depends on the observer’s perspective, which is, in turn, dependent on the observer’s prejudices, aspirations and purpose.” To what extent does the above statement align with your own understanding of the representation of people and politics in your prescribed text and ONE other text of your own choosing?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 09:02:23 pm
Hey people!
This is an essay for Module C (Poetry of Auden), it would be really cool if you guys could take a look and give me some feedback. Thanks! :)
The question is listed in the top of the document, “The ways in which ideas, situations and events are represented depends on the observer’s perspective, which is, in turn, dependent on the observer’s prejudices, aspirations and purpose.” To what extent does the above statement align with your own understanding of the representation of people and politics in your prescribed text and ONE other text of your own choosing?
Hey eugene.kim! Welcome to the forums! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay - We have a requirement that you have 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. This is just to make sure that the markers can keep up and can devote the 30mins-1hour we like to spend on them :) you can read the essay marking rules here!
If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you rack up those posts really quick! Then just let us know and we can give you some feedback ;D
Post by: legorgo18 on March 19, 2017, 10:19:39 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 10:25:58 pm
Hi, can anyone that have done yeats read and mark my essay (email pref dont want teacher searching online going oh plagiarism)
Totally cool for you to try and have someone mark your essay privately, but just know that if someone does they won't be an "official" marker as such ;D the AN marking team can only mark on the forums! :)
Post by: legorgo18 on March 19, 2017, 10:30:05 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 19, 2017, 10:31:45 pm
Hi, can anyone that have done yeats read and mark my essay (email pref dont want teacher searching online going oh plagiarism)
Hey Legorgo18 - I studied Yeats and will happily read through your essay if it's posted to the forums! We haven't had any issues with plagiarism but have plans in place to assist students who have used our services in a situation where a teacher is concerned about potential plagiarism! Let me know if you'd like to get some thoughts on your work.
15 posts on ATAR Notes = one fully marked piece of work. Let me know :)
Just dont want to get roasted online too..We don't roast! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 10:32:04 pm
Just dont want to get roasted online too..
No one will roast or otherwise give you crap for your essay if you post it here! And if they do I'll just get rid of them - We've got no time for people who are just out to make other people feel bad ;D all feedback should be constructive!
PS - We marked all of last year and had no plagiarism issues :)
Post by: legorgo18 on March 19, 2017, 10:35:12 pm
Q: Yeats’ poetry has been described as ‘a provocative portrayal of uncertainty in changing times’. To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of Yeats’ poetry?
Spoiler
Yeats’ poetry provocatively reflect the changing nature in humanity both physically and emotionally to a partial extent as it transcends the barrier of time. As poetically demonstrated, his introspective ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ (1917) explores the persona’s desire for immortality. Similarly, ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ (1918), an elegy to Major Robert Gregory who died during World War I, conveys the ambivalence in his motivation for going to war. Conversely, both poems also examine the certainty of mortality; suggested in ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ as the persona is soothed by knowledge that the swans’ immortality is an illusion. This is similarly portrayed in ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ through his equanimity in the face of death, leaving us as critical audiences wonder Yeats’ effectiveness in his portrayal of uncertainty.
Yeats’ ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ explores the desire for immortality, as the persona envies the swan’s permanence and perfection, reflecting humanity’s desire for perfection and vitality. This is revealed in the physical states of the swans, who travel “unwearied still, lover by lover”, with the use of symmetrical syntax indicating the harmony and perfection of the swans. Further, the description of the swans as “beautiful” and “mysterious”, with the use of reverential tone and rough iambic meter, emphasises the persona’s admiration of their enduring condition, reflecting the desire for balance and permanence. Moreover, as the swans “now drift on the still water”, the shift of tone and repetition of “still” reiterates the unchanging nature of the swans, where “their hearts have not grown old” metaphorically symbolising the swans’ emotional immutability with their ability to “paddle in the cold companionable streams” oxymoronically referencing Yeats’ unrequited love for Gonne, accentuates the persona’s desire of immortality. Thus, Yeats’ effective examination of the persona’s desire for perfection and vitality, has enforced my understanding that despite immortality, like Gonne’s love for Yeats is uncertain, his desire is rigid and unchanging.
Whilst ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ expresses the desire of the persona’s permanence, ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ however construes the pilot’s ambivalence in his motivation of going to war. His uncertainty between duty and desire, is projected in the anaphora and ironic use of “those that I fight I do not hate/ those that I guard I do not love” as he is balancing the regimented nature for war but also his passion for flying, symbolising his internal ambiguity. Further, as the pilot reflects on his reason for war, where “nor law, nor duty bade him fight”, the anaphora of “nor” negates all the conventional reasons for fighting in the war, as “a lonely impulse of delight” reinforces the uncertainty of his motivation suggested by an oxymoronic “lonely impulse”. Moreover, the apathetic motivations of the persona’s involvement in the war is reiterated in “I balanced all, brought all to mind” as the parallelism indicates the persona’s balanced consideration of life and death, where both are equally important. In my understanding, Yeats’ skilful use of poetic expressions has exemplified the airman’s ambivalence in his motivation for going war, reinforcing the notion of uncertainty to his audiences.
Conversely, ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ explores that the persona is soothed by knowledge that the swans’ immortality is just an illusion, as Yeats demonstrates life’s transience, eloquently reflecting his internal melancholy after the rejection of Iseult Gonne. The persona’s decaying nature is construed in the seasonal imagery of “Autumn” and “October Twilight” alludes to the time of transition and change, suggesting the end of life. This is reinforced by the textual reference of the gyre in “great broken rings”, where the disturbance of nature is indicated by the broken rings, suggesting the declination and imperfection of the swans. Furthermore, the persona’s contrast of himself to the “nine-and-fifty Swans” emphasises the mortality of the swans as the use of hyperbaton in the sentence reflects the irregularity in life, coupled with the odd number of “fifty-nine”, whilst swans mate eternally, suggesting the distance between the mortal and the immortal contrasting against persona’s “heart which is sore now”. The monosyllabic words create a monotonous, dreary tone, reinforced by the diction “now”, reiterating the persona’s current state of decline. Finally, the rhetorical question on the final line of the poem, “to find they have flown away” elucidates that despite being a symbol of eternity and perfection, the swans are no longer perfect or immortal as “they have flown away”. Yeats’ skilful manipulation of the swans’ immortality being an illusion, enhances my understanding on the inevitability of nature’s cycle.
Similarly, Yeats’ ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death” exemplifies the certainty in the face of death, as the airman has accepted his death by volunteering for war. The high modality, definitive tone in “I know that I shall meet my fate” reinforces the airman’s certainty of mortality, highlighting his embracement of death, supported by the aerial imagery of “cloud”, holding heavenly connotations. Furthermore, the notion of death is highlighted in “no likely end could bring them loss or leave them happier than before”. Life is suggested to be in a constant of equilibrium, supported in the structured rhythm by the iambic tetrameter, emphasising the certainty of mortality in war, despite the effectiveness of its outcome. Moreover, the use of chiasmus in “years to come… years behind” suggests his peaceful state of mind as he is on the equivalence point between past and future, creating a cyclical image which parallels to Yeats’ beloved gyre. This is epitomised in the final line of the poem, “in balance with this life, this death”. The repetition of “this” coupled with the juxtaposing concepts of life and death, further emphasises the inevitable, cyclic nature of life where mortality is certain. Hence, the airman’s certainty of death has deepened my view on the antithetical outlook on the nature of life.
Thus, W.B Yeats’ confronting and emotional poems have echoed in the minds and hearts of his audiences through the transcendence of time. The provocative portrayal of both certainty and uncertainty are both present in his ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ (1917) and ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ (1918) to a certain extent, however, the certainty of death evidently out balances the uncertainty that exists in both personas, leading me as a critical audience finding Yeats’ portrayal of uncertainty as ineffective.
Yeats’ ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ explores the desire for immortality, as the persona envies the swan’s permanence and perfection, reflecting humanity’s desire for perfection and vitality. This is revealed in the physical states of the swans, who travel “unwearied still, lover by lover”, with the use of symmetrical syntax indicating the harmony and perfection of the swans. Further, the description of the swans as “beautiful” and “mysterious”, with the use of reverential tone and rough iambic meter, emphasises the persona’s admiration of their enduring condition, reflecting the desire for balance and permanence. Moreover, as the swans “now drift on the still water”, the shift of tone and repetition of “still” reiterates the unchanging nature of the swans, where “their hearts have not grown old” metaphorically symbolising the swans’ emotional immutability with their ability to “paddle in the cold companionable streams” oxymoronically referencing Yeats’ unrequited love for Gonne, accentuates the persona’s desire of immortality. Thus, Yeats’ effective examination of the persona’s desire for perfection and vitality, has enforced my understanding that despite immortality, like Gonne’s love for Yeats is uncertain, his desire is rigid and unchanging.
Whilst ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ expresses the desire of the persona’s permanence, ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ however construes the pilot’s ambivalence in his motivation of going to war. His uncertainty between duty and desire, is projected in the anaphora and ironic use of “those that I fight I do not hate/ those that I guard I do not love” as he is balancing the regimented nature for war but also his passion for flying, symbolising his internal ambiguity. Further, as the pilot reflects on his reason for war, where “nor law, nor duty bade him fight”, the anaphora of “nor” negates all the conventional reasons for fighting in the war, as “a lonely impulse of delight” reinforces the uncertainty of his motivation suggested by an oxymoronic “lonely impulse”. Moreover, the apathetic motivations of the persona’s involvement in the war is reiterated in “I balanced all, brought all to mind” as the parallelism indicates the persona’s balanced consideration of life and death, where both are equally important. In my understanding, Yeats’ skilful use of poetic expressions has exemplified the airman’s ambivalence in his motivation for going war, reinforcing the notion of uncertainty to his audiences.
Conversely, ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ explores that the persona is soothed by knowledge that the swans’ immortality is just an illusion, as Yeats demonstrates life’s transience, eloquently reflecting his internal melancholy after the rejection of Iseult Gonne. The persona’s decaying nature is construed in the seasonal imagery of “Autumn” and “October Twilight” alludes to the time of transition and change, suggesting the end of life. This is reinforced by the textual reference of the gyre in “great broken rings”, where the disturbance of nature is indicated by the broken rings, suggesting the declination and imperfection of the swans. Furthermore, the persona’s contrast of himself to the “nine-and-fifty Swans” emphasises the mortality of the swans as the use of hyperbaton in the sentence reflects the irregularity in life, coupled with the odd number of “fifty-nine”, whilst swans mate eternally, suggesting the distance between the mortal and the immortal contrasting against persona’s “heart which is sore now”. The monosyllabic words create a monotonous, dreary tone, reinforced by the diction “now”, reiterating the persona’s current state of decline. Finally, the rhetorical question on the final line of the poem, “to find they have flown away” elucidates that despite being a symbol of eternity and perfection, the swans are no longer perfect or immortal as “they have flown away”. Yeats’ skilful manipulation of the swans’ immortality being an illusion, enhances my understanding on the inevitability of nature’s cycle.
Similarly, Yeats’ ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death” exemplifies the certainty in the face of death, as the airman has accepted his death by volunteering for war. The high modality, definitive tone in “I know that I shall meet my fate” reinforces the airman’s certainty of mortality, highlighting his embracement of death, supported by the aerial imagery of “cloud”, holding heavenly connotations. Furthermore, the notion of death is highlighted in “no likely end could bring them loss or leave them happier than before”. Life is suggested to be in a constant of equilibrium, supported in the structured rhythm by the iambic tetrameter, emphasising the certainty of mortality in war, despite the effectiveness of its outcome. Moreover, the use of chiasmus in “years to come… years behind” suggests his peaceful state of mind as he is on the equivalence point between past and future, creating a cyclical image which parallels to Yeats’ beloved gyre. This is epitomised in the final line of the poem, “in balance with this life, this death”. The repetition of “this” coupled with the juxtaposing concepts of life and death, further emphasises the inevitable, cyclic nature of life where mortality is certain. Hence, the airman’s certainty of death has deepened my view on the antithetical outlook on the nature of life.
Thus, W.B Yeats’ confronting and emotional poems have echoed in the minds and hearts of his audiences through the transcendence of time. The provocative portrayal of both certainty and uncertainty are both present in his ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ (1917) and ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ (1918) to a certain extent, however, the certainty of death evidently out balances the uncertainty that exists in both personas, leading me as a critical audience finding Yeats’ portrayal of uncertainty as ineffective.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 20, 2017, 03:47:09 am
Oh okay, I didn't realise I need the 15 posts!
If you could just take a look at my intro, that would be great. The question asks us to "explore the concept of speculation"
Thanks heaps, I'll work towards my 15 posts asap.
Hey Jenna! Thanks for posting your intro :)
By changing one’s attitude, individuals have the power to change the future. Thus, the transformative impact of discovery is evident through an individual’s willingness to speculate on their previously held values and beliefs. In William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, Shakespeare We've already said his name - it sounds a bit odd for the second time this sentence. highlights the importance of the feminine voice in literature? in society? in plays?, challenging his audience to consider how values of compassion, empathy and forgiveness are crucial in creating a more optimistic future. Likewise, in her speech Attitude, Margaret Atwood empowers her audience to recognise the ability they have to change the world for the better, thus creating more dimensional self-perceptions. (Love Atwood)
I think this is great! I've suggested some tiny tweaks in one sentence to make it more succinct, but otherwise, you're off to a great start!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 20, 2017, 04:28:14 am
Ok, here goes:
Q: Yeats’ poetry has been described as ‘a provocative portrayal of uncertainty in changing times’. To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of Yeats’ poetry?
Hey :) Happy to help! Click the spoiler below and I've put comments in bold font in there :)
Spoiler
Yeats’ poetry provocatively reflect the changing nature in humanity both physically and emotionally to a partial extent as it transcends the barrier of time. I love this first sentence except "partial extent" I'm just a little unsure about the wording...partial more or less means incomplete, not fully, etc. So when you say to a partial extent, I'm wondering immediately why not to the full extent? Based on my own knowledge of the poems, I would say this is indeed a true representation, to a full extent. Also, in "to what extent" questions you don't have to qualify the "extent" but just speak about the way the poet does something with your modality, make that your judgement. As poetically demonstrated, his introspective ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ (1917) explores the persona’s desire for immortality. Beautiful. Similarly, ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ (1918), an elegy to Major Robert Gregory who died during World War I, It's up to you, there's no harm in leaving this tiny plot description in here but it also doesn't need to be here and could fit into a body para. Up to you! :) conveys the ambivalence in his motivation for going to war. Conversely, both poems also examine the certainty of mortality; suggested in ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ as the persona is soothed by knowledge that the swans’ immortality is an illusion. This is similarly portrayed in ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ through his equanimity in the face of death, leaving us as critical audiences wonder Yeats’ effectiveness in his portrayal of uncertainty. Absolutely wonderful! This is a great intro, I'm being picky with it to find things to adjust. Congrats!
Yeats’ ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ explores the desire for immortality, as the persona envies the swan’s permanence and perfection, reflecting humanity’s desire for perfection and vitality. This is revealed in the physical states of the swans, who travel “unwearied still, lover by lover”, with the use of symmetrical syntax indicating the harmony and perfection of the swans. Further, the description of the swans as “beautiful” and “mysterious”, with the use of reverential tone and rough iambic meter, emphasises the persona’s admiration of their enduring condition, reflecting the desire for balance and permanence. Moreover, as the swans “now drift on the still water”, the shift of tone and repetition of “still” reiterates the unchanging nature of the swans, where “their hearts have not grown old” metaphorically symbolising the swans’ emotional immutability with their ability to “paddle in the cold companionable streams” oxymoronically referencing Yeats’ unrequited love for Gonne, accentuates the persona’s desire of immortality. Thus, Yeats’ effective examination of the persona’s desire for perfection and vitality, has enforced my understanding that despite immortality, like Gonne’s love for Yeats is uncertain, his desire is rigid and unchanging. I've underlined further, moreover, and thus. Each sentence begins with one of these words and it isn't necessary, in fact I think it jars the flow a little. Your writing is so wonderfully articulate, you don't need these connections from one to the next. Your analysis is strong, you describe the quote, technique, and link, very succinctly so you aren't waffling at any time. However, I think the unique attack on the question lacks. In the last sentence it's brought back in, but I'd like to know exactly what the changing times/uncertainty are/is. Is it about Maud? Is it about the changing poetic movement? Is it about Yeats' personal ageing and inspiration? Identify this earlier in the paragraph. We are introduced to Gonne early, but I really think the first two sentences are a great place to establish this. Otherwise, the para is perfect!
Whilst ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ expresses the desire of the persona’s permanence, ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’however construes the pilot’s ambivalence in his motivation of going to war. His uncertainty between duty and desire, perfect! is projected in the anaphora and ironic use of “those that I fight I do not hate/ those that I guard I do not love” as he is balancing the regimented nature for war but also his passion for flying, symbolising his internal ambiguity. Further, as the pilot reflects on his reason for war, where “nor law, nor duty bade him fight”, the anaphora of “nor” negates all the conventional reasons for fighting in the war, as “a lonely impulse of delight” reinforces the uncertainty of his motivation suggested by an oxymoronic “lonely impulse”. Moreover, the apathetic motivations of the persona’s involvement in the war is reiterated in “I balanced all, brought all to mind” as the parallelism indicates the persona’s balanced consideration of life and death, where both are equally important. In my understanding, Yeats’ skilful use of poetic expressions has exemplified the airman’s ambivalence in his motivation for going war, reinforcing the notion of uncertainty to his audiences. An extremely eloquent paragraph...beautiful! Really hard to fault.
Conversely, ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ explores that the persona is soothed by knowledge that the swans’ immortality is just an illusion, as Yeats demonstrates life’s transience, eloquently reflecting his internal melancholy after the rejection of Iseult Gonne. The persona’s decaying nature is construed in the seasonal imagery of “Autumn” and “October Twilight” alludes to the time of transition and change, suggesting the end of life. This is reinforced by the textual reference of the gyre in “great broken rings”, where the disturbance of nature is indicated by the broken rings, suggesting the declination and imperfection of the swans. Furthermore, the persona’s contrast of himself to the “nine-and-fifty Swans” emphasises the mortality of the swans as the use of hyperbaton in the sentence reflects the irregularity in life, coupled with the odd number of “fifty-nine”, whilst swans mate eternally, suggesting the distance between the mortal and the immortal contrasting against persona’s “heart which is sore now”. The monosyllabic words create a monotonous, dreary tone, reinforced by the diction “now”, reiterating the persona’s current state of decline. Finally, the rhetorical question on the final line of the poem, “to find they have flown away” elucidates that despite being a symbol of eternity and perfection, the swans are no longer perfect or immortal as “they have flown away”. Yeats’ skilful manipulation of the swans’ immortality being an illusion, enhances my understanding on the inevitability of nature’s cycle. Another beautiful paragraph.
Similarly, Yeats’ ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death” exemplifies the certainty in the face of death, as the airman has accepted his death by volunteering for war. The high modality, definitive tone in the declaration, “I know that I shall meet my fate” reinforces the airman’s certainty of mortality, highlighting his embracement of death, supported by the aerial imagery of “cloud”, holding heavenly connotations. Furthermore, the notion of death is highlighted in “no likely end could bring them loss or leave them happier than before”. Life is suggested to be in a constant of equilibrium, supported in the structured rhythm by the iambic tetrameter, emphasising the certainty of mortality in war, despite the effectiveness of its outcome. Moreover, the use of chiasmus in “years to come… years behind” suggests his peaceful state of mind as he is on the equivalence point between past and future, creating a cyclical image which parallels to Yeats’ beloved gyre. This is epitomised in the final line of the poem, “in balance with this life, this death”. The repetition of “this” coupled with the juxtaposing concepts of life and death, further emphasises the inevitable, cyclic nature of life where mortality is certain. Hence, the airman’s certainty of death has deepened my view on the antithetical outlook on the nature of life.
Thus, W.B Yeats’ confronting and emotional poems have echoed in the minds and hearts of his audiences through the transcendence of time. The provocative portrayal of both certainty and uncertainty are both present in his ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ (1917) and ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ (1918) to a certain extent, however, the certainty of death evidently out balances the uncertainty that exists in both personas, leading me as a critical audience finding Yeats’ portrayal of uncertainty as ineffective.
Yeats’ ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ explores the desire for immortality, as the persona envies the swan’s permanence and perfection, reflecting humanity’s desire for perfection and vitality. This is revealed in the physical states of the swans, who travel “unwearied still, lover by lover”, with the use of symmetrical syntax indicating the harmony and perfection of the swans. Further, the description of the swans as “beautiful” and “mysterious”, with the use of reverential tone and rough iambic meter, emphasises the persona’s admiration of their enduring condition, reflecting the desire for balance and permanence. Moreover, as the swans “now drift on the still water”, the shift of tone and repetition of “still” reiterates the unchanging nature of the swans, where “their hearts have not grown old” metaphorically symbolising the swans’ emotional immutability with their ability to “paddle in the cold companionable streams” oxymoronically referencing Yeats’ unrequited love for Gonne, accentuates the persona’s desire of immortality. Thus, Yeats’ effective examination of the persona’s desire for perfection and vitality, has enforced my understanding that despite immortality, like Gonne’s love for Yeats is uncertain, his desire is rigid and unchanging. I've underlined further, moreover, and thus. Each sentence begins with one of these words and it isn't necessary, in fact I think it jars the flow a little. Your writing is so wonderfully articulate, you don't need these connections from one to the next. Your analysis is strong, you describe the quote, technique, and link, very succinctly so you aren't waffling at any time. However, I think the unique attack on the question lacks. In the last sentence it's brought back in, but I'd like to know exactly what the changing times/uncertainty are/is. Is it about Maud? Is it about the changing poetic movement? Is it about Yeats' personal ageing and inspiration? Identify this earlier in the paragraph. We are introduced to Gonne early, but I really think the first two sentences are a great place to establish this. Otherwise, the para is perfect!
Whilst ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ expresses the desire of the persona’s permanence, ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’
Conversely, ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ explores that the persona is soothed by knowledge that the swans’ immortality is just an illusion, as Yeats demonstrates life’s transience, eloquently reflecting his internal melancholy after the rejection of Iseult Gonne. The persona’s decaying nature is construed in the seasonal imagery of “Autumn” and “October Twilight” alludes to the time of transition and change, suggesting the end of life. This is reinforced by the textual reference of the gyre in “great broken rings”, where the disturbance of nature is indicated by the broken rings, suggesting the declination and imperfection of the swans. Furthermore, the persona’s contrast of himself to the “nine-and-fifty Swans” emphasises the mortality of the swans as the use of hyperbaton in the sentence reflects the irregularity in life, coupled with the odd number of “fifty-nine”, whilst swans mate eternally, suggesting the distance between the mortal and the immortal contrasting against persona’s “heart which is sore now”. The monosyllabic words create a monotonous, dreary tone, reinforced by the diction “now”, reiterating the persona’s current state of decline. Finally, the rhetorical question on the final line of the poem, “to find they have flown away” elucidates that despite being a symbol of eternity and perfection, the swans are no longer perfect or immortal as “they have flown away”. Yeats’ skilful manipulation of the swans’ immortality being an illusion, enhances my understanding on the inevitability of nature’s cycle. Another beautiful paragraph.
Similarly, Yeats’ ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death” exemplifies the certainty in the face of death, as the airman has accepted his death by volunteering for war. The high modality, definitive tone in the declaration, “I know that I shall meet my fate” reinforces the airman’s certainty of mortality, highlighting his embracement of death, supported by the aerial imagery of “cloud”, holding heavenly connotations. Furthermore, the notion of death is highlighted in “no likely end could bring them loss or leave them happier than before”. Life is suggested to be in a constant of equilibrium, supported in the structured rhythm by the iambic tetrameter, emphasising the certainty of mortality in war, despite the effectiveness of its outcome. Moreover, the use of chiasmus in “years to come… years behind” suggests his peaceful state of mind as he is on the equivalence point between past and future, creating a cyclical image which parallels to Yeats’ beloved gyre. This is epitomised in the final line of the poem, “in balance with this life, this death”. The repetition of “this” coupled with the juxtaposing concepts of life and death, further emphasises the inevitable, cyclic nature of life where mortality is certain. Hence, the airman’s certainty of death has deepened my view on the antithetical outlook on the nature of life.
Thus, W.B Yeats’ confronting and emotional poems have echoed in the minds and hearts of his audiences through the transcendence of time. The provocative portrayal of both certainty and uncertainty are both present in his ‘Wild Swans at Coole’ (1917) and ‘An Irish Airman Foresees his Death’ (1918) to a certain extent, however, the certainty of death evidently out balances the uncertainty that exists in both personas, leading me as a critical audience finding Yeats’ portrayal of uncertainty as ineffective.
The essay is beautiful, you have written so eloquently it was like I didn't want to comment in case I disrupted the flow. A credit to your work! Further, moreover, thus, feature in your work probably more than they have to. Your analysis is spectacular, you have a real grasp on a lot of the themes of the poet - Gonne, Gonne Junior, Gyres, Poetry, War...
There is something that lacks and will stop you from nailing the top mark, and that's the way you're approaching the idea of this transcending time. It's mentioned in the intro and conclusion but doesn't feature as I expected it to in your body paragraphs. Because it features in your concept statement I hoped for it to become a unique thread through your work but you never highlighted how or why the poetry transcends the time of Yeats' contemporaries, you've just said that it does. I don't believe this would stop you from getting a Band 6 but it is necessary for Mod B, and it's especially necessary when you put it in your original concept statement.
Hopefully this gives you a little direction to work on, but you should overall be IMMENSELY proud of this!
Post by: legorgo18 on March 20, 2017, 03:09:42 pm
Just have a few questions
1) For the intro since im arguing sort of for and against the question, should i not use partial or should i change to like certain?
2) For the body i was just taught from junior year to use those connecting words after each quote. So can i just go on without using them like e.g. Further, as or As
3) Yes i know the textual integrity is a big thing in this module, should i just reference for example the gyre link to other poem like second coming to show the transcendence of time
4) For conclusion i made a judgement that certainty out balances the uncertainty aspect, does this matter?
5) Critics, although not required in this test, should I add 1 or keep it as it is?
Overall, thank you for such positive feedback! Really boosted my confidence as I was worried about this module the most :)
Post by: 1937jk on March 23, 2017, 11:08:53 pm
So I hope it is okay for me to request for feed back on a essay I have constructed for Module A based off the intertextual connections between 'King Richard III' and 'Looking for Richard',
I have included specific questions in the document, along with the question I am answering
Any feedback would greatly appreciated!!
Thank you in advance ;D
Post by: Snew on March 24, 2017, 12:20:15 pm
Discuss which one of these two texts you feel evokes a more sympathetic response to the human desire for meaningful relationships
Feel free to rip it apart :P also do you think there are too many quotes? and any suggestions for a better conclusion would be good too, cheers ;D
A similar perspective of the desire and struggle of individuals to achieve idealised love is revealed through both F.Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese. The enduring relevance of this universal struggle across contexts is represented in both texts, drawing out feelings of sympathy for both lovers in their desire for meaningful relationships, however the response of a contemporary audience is largely drawn from the depiction of contextual influences on their love. The Sonnets of EBB explore the attainment of love and its transcendence of physical and contextual constraints in the dynamic Victorian era hopeful of change, in comparison to the destructive pursuit of love centred on hedonistic, material values and corruption in The Great Gatsby. Ultimately, it is Browning’s sonnets that evoke a sympathetic response from a contemporary audience, further confirmed by her ultimate attainment of such love. EBB’s love, unshackled by worldly constraints, contrasted with Gatsby’s inability to achieve his vision, reinforces the image of a disillusioned postwar society where ideal love has no value.
The contextual impediments of obtaining their idealised relationship is portrayed in both texts, creating elements of sympathy for both EBB and Gatsby who reflect conflicting desires to that of their context. The torch that EBB “holds...out” is a metaphor for the words she cannot form to express her love. The hand would ‘hold out’ the torch and it would then ‘cast light on each’ of their faces.’ This subverts the traditional notion of the submissive woman in Petrarchan poetry, as she is the torch bearer, and therefore the one in control. Similarly, Gatsby inability to express his love is also represented by the green light on the end of Gatsby’s lovers dock in East Egg, as seen from the end of his pier across the water in West Egg. “...distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away...the end of a dock.” The green light, as seen from the end of Gatsby’s pier, is symbolic of Gatsby’s vision and hope that he wed to Daisy, as well as their differing worlds, he from new money in West Egg opposed to the older money classes of the East, reinforcing his lack of prestige and the distance it creates, producing elements of sympathy as he worships his long lost love. [Arms outstretched]...towards the dark water in a curious way...trembling.” EBB, however, denounces her previous position of power and control by submitting humbly to Robert, “I drop it at thy feet.” This suggests her powerlessness to be the torchbearer and consequently reveals to him that she is unable to effectively communicate her love for him in writing. EBB therefore highlights her inability to express her love to Robert Browning as a result of having to follow traditional courtly conventions. The play on contrasting words, “And that I stand unwon, however wooed,” emphasises the paradoxical nature of her situation. EBB thus insists that she retains a tragic identity as the always ‘unwon’ and enduring woman, and the lover who cannot admit love, evoking heartfelt empathy from a contemporary audience.
Fitzgerald’s initial portrayal of Gatsby’s love for Daisy evokes elements of sympathy, but ultimately depicts love as an enticing but destructive dream, rendered meaningless if based on physical and material values. Gatsby’s desire for Daisy and his desire for love, described by Nick as a “romantic readiness, such as I have never found in any other person,” moves beyond a pure and virtuous love for her an an individual lover. Daisy becomes the embodiment of all material and physical desire for Gatsby, highlighted by his remark that her voice “is full of money.” Gatsby thus reveals his fundamental understanding of Daisy’s connection to wealth and the subsequent urgency of his need to acquire it. Moreover, in placing Daisy and the wealth she portrays on a pedestal, Gatsby elevates her beyond the real and attainable, placing her in the untenable position of competing with an illusion of perfection. “There must have been moments, even that afternoon, [...] when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams...because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.” Inevitably, the revival of the love affair between the lovers and the possibility of attaining his dream prove almost anti-climactic, threatening to diminish Daisy’s value as an “enchanted object.” Whilst Daisy’s affection for Gatsby is evident, her “face...smeared with tears,” during their reunion, the importance she places on materialistic values overrides any meaningful connection to Gatsby. This is demonstrated through her marriage to Tom. Whilst Daisy almost changed her mind about marrying Tom after receiving a letter from Gatsby, she eventually went through with the ceremony, “without so much as a shiver...the pearls were around her neck and the incident was over.” During the first meeting of Daisy and Gatsby, Daisy’s response to him is enhanced by his display of material possessions and beautiful objects that he acquired as a part of his quest to win her back. Gatsby unquestionably accepting her consumeristic attitude typical of the postwar 1920s by, “Revalue[ing] everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes.” The relationship between Daisy and Gatsby, moreover, is a result of Gatsby’s idealism of Daisy, romantic love, and corrupted by his obsessive pursuit of material wealth, ultimately draws little sympathy from a contemporary audience.
Browning, in comparison, depicts a love that is able to transcend and strengthen despite hardship, evoking a favourable response to her desire to share a meaningful and lasting relationship with Robert Browning. “While the winds are rough,” in Sonnet XIII indicates the external factors which are acting as obstacles to the relationship and their love prevented from being expressed publicly. This has also been attributed to EBB’s father, a controlling man who had forbidden any of his children to marry. Regardless, the use of the word “beloved” to describe Robert Browning in Sonnet XIV dispels any doubt about her love for him.The desire of EBB to create a significant, meaningful romantic relationship is conveyed by her demands to Robert regarding the nature of his love in Sonnet XIV, urging him not to love her for any particular reason, but simply because he lovers her, “If thou must love me, let it be for nought/Except for love’s sake only.” Browning argues that if there is a particular reason for loving someone, a change in circumstances can remove the reason and destroy the love. She further amplifies this idea by listing conventional attributes admired in women, to warn Robert of these superficial qualities that prevent pure and lasting love, “Do not say/I love her for her smile...her look...her way/Of speaking gently…” EBB metaphorically compares Robert declaring his love to ringing a bell, “toll,” and “silver utterance,” has positive connotations. Silver is less previous than gold, and therefore the love they share, whilst still precious is more real than ideal. Whilst EBB enjoys hearing Robert say he loves her, “Say...Thou dost love me,” she also him to lover her “in silence,” with his “soul,” restating her desire for a deep and lasting love. EBB’s final declaration of love illustrates the depth and worth of their love, hoping that if God allows she will lover him even better after death, “...And, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”
Ultimately, it is the purity and sincerity of EBB’s love, able to overcome contextual constraints and attain their desired relationship that evokes a greater extent of sympathy, as compared with the materialistic and corrupted ideals of love portrayed in The Great Gatsby.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 24, 2017, 08:21:27 pm
Hey Elyse, ty for the feedback!
Just have a few questions
1) For the intro since im arguing sort of for and against the question, should i not use partial or should i change to like certain?
2) For the body i was just taught from junior year to use those connecting words after each quote. So can i just go on without using them like e.g. Further, as or As
3) Yes i know the textual integrity is a big thing in this module, should i just reference for example the gyre link to other poem like second coming to show the transcendence of time
4) For conclusion i made a judgement that certainty out balances the uncertainty aspect, does this matter?
5) Critics, although not required in this test, should I add 1 or keep it as it is?
Overall, thank you for such positive feedback! Really boosted my confidence as I was worried about this module the most :)
Sorry for the late reply I missed this!
1. If you don't want to argue directly with the question, that's fine! But, I think "partial" just sounds a bit too clinical when the rest of your essay is so ~flowy~.
2. No need to use those connecting words, in most cases you can just take them straight out without replacing them with anything and it'll still make perfect sense :)
3. This is a great idea, but it's not necessary to bring up another poem if you don't want to. Connecting to the idea of transcending time is about talking about modern audiences, and audiences yet to come, being able to relate to themes and ideas even if they don't empathise with the context.
4. This is fine :)
5. Critics may elevate the work - but not until we're tackling the transcendence of time correctly. So once we adjust that, and the treatment of that notion, we will be able to weave through critics to bring it to life. If you're not sure where to go from here - then maybe scholars might be the best place to look seeing as they often treat the ideas of transcendence in their reception of poetry. :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 25, 2017, 12:38:02 am
Hey!
So I hope it is okay for me to request for feed back on a essay I have constructed for Module A based off the intertextual connections between 'King Richard III' and 'Looking for Richard',
I have included specific questions in the document, along with the question I am answering
Any feedback would greatly appreciated!!
Thank you in advance ;D
Hey! You can absolutely have some feedback, I've attached your essay in the spoiler below! Comments in bold ;D
Essay with Feedback
QUESTION: The relationship between context and values affects an understanding and appreciation of intertextual connections. To what extent does this view accord with your comparative study of the prescribed texts?
Intertextual connections demonstrate the growth in humanity through societal values. This connection doesn't quite make sense - I know what you are getting at but you need to flesh this out a bit more (the way the same theme is treated in texts written at different times demonstrates societal evolution). This is a result of imposed challenges faced due to context and how humans respond to them. It is through William Shakespeare’s sixteenth century play ‘King Richard III’ that the historical fiction of a providential society depicts the results of an individual's involvement in the dynamics of power and how this exposes others to the vulnerabilities of persuasion. Be careful - This play wasn't fictional. It was a historical play. Similarly, Al Pacino’s twentieth century docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’, a contemporary interpretation of Shakespeare's work emphasises how values have been transformed across time, place and form between in order to develop a modern understanding of his universal themes and powerful language. Nice - This is the default way to approach a Shakespeare/Pacino comparison and it works well. Also, conscience reveals consequences of guilt and demonstrates a secular growth in society as the voice of women is strengthened through a modern interpretation. Shakespeare’s historical work of fiction was composed for an audience of the Tudor epoch and by casting Richard as a villain it affirmed the legitimate right of Henry Tudor to the throne as a result of the Battle of Bosworth. Try not to include this sort of contextual specific evidence just yet - Save it for your body paragraphs. Additionally, Pacino’s purpose was to “reach out to an audience who would not normally participate in this kind of language or world” and achieved this through connecting societal values of his American audience to the historical values of the Elizabethan era such as integrity and loyalty. Nice inclusion of quote. Through the reshaping of these texts and viewing them in tandem it is evident that Shakespeare’s literature is relevant in understanding the development of humanity in modern society. Solid introduction, but definitely too long. You've put too much in here - It needs to be punchier and a little simpler to make it clearer what your focus will be.
The continual growth and reformation of society is challenged by humanity. A little vague - In what way? Why do we resist change? Do you mean technological, power, or otherwise? Both texts utilise Richard’s character to illustrate the consequences of disregarding your humanity for power and its perceived benefits. Good. Richards deformity for him is perceived as a disadvantage in which ultimately drives his malicious intentions throughout the play. It enforces from the opening soliloquy, Richards high awareness of his own deformity, “I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion”(Act 1, Sc 1). This suggests that it is Richard's appearance that inhibits his ability to fit into the specific ‘proportions’ structured into the Elizabethan society. Good job for including a quote, but I'm missing a technique here - Without a technique, this is just retell! This is a reflection of the providential value of the monarchical hierarchy as he blames nature for his deformity claiming he was “cheated by feature”, hence, his deformity marginalises him from society and produces a fear in having an unstable political position in society. As a result, his deformity can be blamed for his corrupted mind as he concludes that the only way of overcoming his instability is by plotting the demise of others around him. Ultimately, this paragraph is not doing enough analytically. There is a lot of conceptual statements (too many, which makes things a bit confusing for the reader) - But only a single quote and no analysis. You need to be doing more to examine the portrayal of the ideas in the texts, through analysing techniques.
Comparably, through Pacino’s text it is fear that produces a barrier of inaccessibility between Shakespeare’s language and a modern American audience. Do you mean that American audiences are scared of Elizabethan language? This seems a little vague. Pacino, like, Richard desires the initiative to overcome fear, however his intentions are for the benefits of the audience's understanding as “we’ve provided this docudrama thing...so you know where you are”. Nice recognition of the audience - Be sure to identify the technique used here (it is metafilmic). This in terms of the play enables the audience to understand the plot, however, “by approaching it from different angles, putting on costumes, playing out scenes, we could communicate our passion for it.” This is Pacino’s recognition that modern society has developed an appreciation for the visual imagination and emotional connections. This is good exploration of HOW Pacino approaches his representation, but WHAT is he representing? What's the point of all these things? For this reason, by physically taking on Shakespeare’s literature, it enables Pacino to access its complexity for his audience. We see this through Pacino’s cross cuts of Vox populi and his demonstration of Richard’s humpback, where the people on the streets respond with recognition only when Pacino mentions “he was a humpback, one arm… Remember that?”. The cross cuts allow Pacino’s audience to understand the exaggeration of Richard’s exclusion, experienced as a result of his deformity. What concept does this relate to? Overall, this reinforces the value of connection to visuality and emotion of a modern American audience in order to understand the reformed values and development of humanity over history. I'm not getting a sense of direction in this paragraph - I'm not sure what the main point of it is. This is partly because there is no strong topic sentence that then sets the tone for the whole of the rest of the paragraph.
A human response to challenges is influenced by personal values and environment. Good! But still a little vague - What sort of challenges? What values? In order for Richard to obtain power and control he eschews all moral restraints by tactically targeting the vulnerabilities of his own House of York. He betrays Christian theocentric values and ideology of the Divine Right of Kings for personal gain, in which he challenges a secular interest in free will amongst a integral society. These two sentences were retell - Anyone who has read the text knows this for themselves! As for Hastings, when his political power becomes a threat to Richard's plan, Shakespeare uses his shared mistress as an enabler for Richard to overcome this, however he exceeds the norm of the expected in being disloyal. It is his oratory skill and polymorphous character in which persuades the execution of Hastings. Still retell. “Off with his head! - Now by Saint Paul” (Act 2, Sc 4). This religious reference is ironic as Richards malicious character has a committed many sins against the value of integrity and loyalty and rather his words allure the fact that he is about to have Hastings sacrificed which depicts an antithesis of the Christian core teachings. Good use of quote and you've sort of given a technique in the religious reference (allusion is a better term) - But what does it show the audience? What understanding do we gain? Further, how does this relate to our response to challenges, the main theme of the paragraph? In comparison, Pacino’s interpretation of Hastings’ significance is aligned with the 20th century movie “The Godfather”. He uses the analogy to a mafia “gathering of the dons” to communicate the rising anticipation of whether Richard can stop Hastings crowning the princes king in which is similar to somebody saying “just wait here, I’ll be back or you know wait in this room”. Retell. This reference enhances Pacino’s audience understanding of Richard’s pursuit of power and consequences of disregarding values as Pacino himself played the protagonist in ‘The Godfather’, hence, his currency of fame allows a modern day audience to recognise and connect the maligned themes of both texts. THIS sort of audience impact explanation/analysis is exactly what I need more of! Accordingly, the comparison of texts enforce how an individual’s reaction to persuasion has not changed through history, rather the same value of integrity and loyalty are relevant. So this is sort of a more specific version of your topic sentence - You haven't really shown this yet, so it feels a little out of place. Pacino sources the opinion of a scholar “In fact we know he’s as hard as nails, that he’s only pretending to be religious”. This view reiterates Richards secular view in a monarchical society by challenging the religious values and “they canvas like politicians, complete with lies and innuendo”. Sequentially, Pacino’s personal view opens the susceptibility of Richard's victims to his ability to persuade which allows him gain tyrannical power. Over history, the repeated human vulnerability to persuasion is demonstrated through Richard’s ability to overcome political barriers in order to reach the crown of England. Try to make your conclusions really strong and obvious - "Thus, we can see how Shakespeare and Pacino have represented the importance of loyalty." Something like that - Simple, references both texts. You KNOW the paragraph is done.
Conscience revolves around the value of honesty and the consequences of guilt for an individual. How does this relate to the essay? Does the audience gain new understandings of this concept? Richards character is plagued by conscience as a punishment for his tyranny. He previously ignored his conscience in order to complete his goal, but it all unravels as his humane guilt reveals the natural human response. Retell. As for the last murder of Buckingham, he acknowledges “Thus Margaret’s curse falls heavily upon my neck” (Act 4, Sc 1). Quote - But no technique? Queen Margaret’s character is Shakespeare’s device in order to communicate what is going on in the play around the catastrophe of the Monarch. Although, her character’s political position is marginalised, therefore her words are dismissed more regularly than they should be. Ironically, it is right before Buckingham’s death that his own conscience foreshadows the words of Margaret “to help thee curse that poisonous bunch - back’d toad” (Act 1, Sc 3). This suggests how the role of women in the play is deemed insignificant by other characters but it is their voices that share the most accurate version of how reality unfolds. See how these last few sentences have just been retelling what happened in the text, more or less? You haven't been looking at what we learn about conscience - The word hasn't reappeared since the introduction. This is a representation of society’s patriarchal and the significance of the ‘divine right of kings in accordance with values and complications that arise from this. Great concept - But look at your topic sentence. Does it match? In Pacino’s text, his modern audience understands a psychological perspective and hence, values it and because of this he utilises Queen Margaret’s character to represent a psychological reality as Penelope Allen states “It’s primordial I think. She brings that kind of music into this experience.” Technique? Pacino’s use of Allen's voice identifies how humanities secular growth has enabled the voice of women to be valued and publicised, therefore demonstrating a growth in psychological capacity. The power of individuals subversion of institutional power holds currency for Pacino’s audience, however, this is not the case for Shakespeare's audience as they understood implications of free will. I like that you are trying to recognise differences in Shakespeare's audience and Pacino's - That's excellent. Queen Margaret is Pacino’s device in communicating the social realities of Shakespeare's context as he uses a ‘ghost like’ figure to share a visual representation of the value of the marginalised voice. Her haunting tone allows the audience to identify the suspicion present amongst the Monarch and to have an awareness and appreciation for her words. It is without her that the significance of conscience would not be present. In addition, lines are omitted from Pacino’s interpretation of the scene in order to highlight the key lines and allow his audience to open an understanding to Shakespeare’s work rather than intimidation. It is through growth in a secular society that the appreciation for abiding by conscience is appreciated. This is a better, more deliberate conclusion!
In conclusion, through Pacino’s modern interpretation, it is apparent that Shakespeare's literature can be made applicable to a 20th century audience. Nice. Both texts explore the relative values of their contexts and is a result by comparing them it enables an accessibility to each to transcend difficult concepts. A little wording issue there. Ultimately, Shakespeare’s communicated knowledge of humanity through ‘King Richard III’ can be understood and appreciated through Pacino’s ‘Looking for Richard’.
Intertextual connections demonstrate the growth in humanity through societal values. This connection doesn't quite make sense - I know what you are getting at but you need to flesh this out a bit more (the way the same theme is treated in texts written at different times demonstrates societal evolution). This is a result of imposed challenges faced due to context and how humans respond to them. It is through William Shakespeare’s sixteenth century play ‘King Richard III’ that the historical fiction of a providential society depicts the results of an individual's involvement in the dynamics of power and how this exposes others to the vulnerabilities of persuasion. Be careful - This play wasn't fictional. It was a historical play. Similarly, Al Pacino’s twentieth century docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’, a contemporary interpretation of Shakespeare's work emphasises how values have been transformed across time, place and form between in order to develop a modern understanding of his universal themes and powerful language. Nice - This is the default way to approach a Shakespeare/Pacino comparison and it works well. Also, conscience reveals consequences of guilt and demonstrates a secular growth in society as the voice of women is strengthened through a modern interpretation. Shakespeare’s historical work of fiction was composed for an audience of the Tudor epoch and by casting Richard as a villain it affirmed the legitimate right of Henry Tudor to the throne as a result of the Battle of Bosworth. Try not to include this sort of contextual specific evidence just yet - Save it for your body paragraphs. Additionally, Pacino’s purpose was to “reach out to an audience who would not normally participate in this kind of language or world” and achieved this through connecting societal values of his American audience to the historical values of the Elizabethan era such as integrity and loyalty. Nice inclusion of quote. Through the reshaping of these texts and viewing them in tandem it is evident that Shakespeare’s literature is relevant in understanding the development of humanity in modern society. Solid introduction, but definitely too long. You've put too much in here - It needs to be punchier and a little simpler to make it clearer what your focus will be.
The continual growth and reformation of society is challenged by humanity. A little vague - In what way? Why do we resist change? Do you mean technological, power, or otherwise? Both texts utilise Richard’s character to illustrate the consequences of disregarding your humanity for power and its perceived benefits. Good. Richards deformity for him is perceived as a disadvantage in which ultimately drives his malicious intentions throughout the play. It enforces from the opening soliloquy, Richards high awareness of his own deformity, “I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion”(Act 1, Sc 1). This suggests that it is Richard's appearance that inhibits his ability to fit into the specific ‘proportions’ structured into the Elizabethan society. Good job for including a quote, but I'm missing a technique here - Without a technique, this is just retell! This is a reflection of the providential value of the monarchical hierarchy as he blames nature for his deformity claiming he was “cheated by feature”, hence, his deformity marginalises him from society and produces a fear in having an unstable political position in society. As a result, his deformity can be blamed for his corrupted mind as he concludes that the only way of overcoming his instability is by plotting the demise of others around him. Ultimately, this paragraph is not doing enough analytically. There is a lot of conceptual statements (too many, which makes things a bit confusing for the reader) - But only a single quote and no analysis. You need to be doing more to examine the portrayal of the ideas in the texts, through analysing techniques.
Comparably, through Pacino’s text it is fear that produces a barrier of inaccessibility between Shakespeare’s language and a modern American audience. Do you mean that American audiences are scared of Elizabethan language? This seems a little vague. Pacino, like, Richard desires the initiative to overcome fear, however his intentions are for the benefits of the audience's understanding as “we’ve provided this docudrama thing...so you know where you are”. Nice recognition of the audience - Be sure to identify the technique used here (it is metafilmic). This in terms of the play enables the audience to understand the plot, however, “by approaching it from different angles, putting on costumes, playing out scenes, we could communicate our passion for it.” This is Pacino’s recognition that modern society has developed an appreciation for the visual imagination and emotional connections. This is good exploration of HOW Pacino approaches his representation, but WHAT is he representing? What's the point of all these things? For this reason, by physically taking on Shakespeare’s literature, it enables Pacino to access its complexity for his audience. We see this through Pacino’s cross cuts of Vox populi and his demonstration of Richard’s humpback, where the people on the streets respond with recognition only when Pacino mentions “he was a humpback, one arm… Remember that?”. The cross cuts allow Pacino’s audience to understand the exaggeration of Richard’s exclusion, experienced as a result of his deformity. What concept does this relate to? Overall, this reinforces the value of connection to visuality and emotion of a modern American audience in order to understand the reformed values and development of humanity over history. I'm not getting a sense of direction in this paragraph - I'm not sure what the main point of it is. This is partly because there is no strong topic sentence that then sets the tone for the whole of the rest of the paragraph.
A human response to challenges is influenced by personal values and environment. Good! But still a little vague - What sort of challenges? What values? In order for Richard to obtain power and control he eschews all moral restraints by tactically targeting the vulnerabilities of his own House of York. He betrays Christian theocentric values and ideology of the Divine Right of Kings for personal gain, in which he challenges a secular interest in free will amongst a integral society. These two sentences were retell - Anyone who has read the text knows this for themselves! As for Hastings, when his political power becomes a threat to Richard's plan, Shakespeare uses his shared mistress as an enabler for Richard to overcome this, however he exceeds the norm of the expected in being disloyal. It is his oratory skill and polymorphous character in which persuades the execution of Hastings. Still retell. “Off with his head! - Now by Saint Paul” (Act 2, Sc 4). This religious reference is ironic as Richards malicious character has a committed many sins against the value of integrity and loyalty and rather his words allure the fact that he is about to have Hastings sacrificed which depicts an antithesis of the Christian core teachings. Good use of quote and you've sort of given a technique in the religious reference (allusion is a better term) - But what does it show the audience? What understanding do we gain? Further, how does this relate to our response to challenges, the main theme of the paragraph? In comparison, Pacino’s interpretation of Hastings’ significance is aligned with the 20th century movie “The Godfather”. He uses the analogy to a mafia “gathering of the dons” to communicate the rising anticipation of whether Richard can stop Hastings crowning the princes king in which is similar to somebody saying “just wait here, I’ll be back or you know wait in this room”. Retell. This reference enhances Pacino’s audience understanding of Richard’s pursuit of power and consequences of disregarding values as Pacino himself played the protagonist in ‘The Godfather’, hence, his currency of fame allows a modern day audience to recognise and connect the maligned themes of both texts. THIS sort of audience impact explanation/analysis is exactly what I need more of! Accordingly, the comparison of texts enforce how an individual’s reaction to persuasion has not changed through history, rather the same value of integrity and loyalty are relevant. So this is sort of a more specific version of your topic sentence - You haven't really shown this yet, so it feels a little out of place. Pacino sources the opinion of a scholar “In fact we know he’s as hard as nails, that he’s only pretending to be religious”. This view reiterates Richards secular view in a monarchical society by challenging the religious values and “they canvas like politicians, complete with lies and innuendo”. Sequentially, Pacino’s personal view opens the susceptibility of Richard's victims to his ability to persuade which allows him gain tyrannical power. Over history, the repeated human vulnerability to persuasion is demonstrated through Richard’s ability to overcome political barriers in order to reach the crown of England. Try to make your conclusions really strong and obvious - "Thus, we can see how Shakespeare and Pacino have represented the importance of loyalty." Something like that - Simple, references both texts. You KNOW the paragraph is done.
Conscience revolves around the value of honesty and the consequences of guilt for an individual. How does this relate to the essay? Does the audience gain new understandings of this concept? Richards character is plagued by conscience as a punishment for his tyranny. He previously ignored his conscience in order to complete his goal, but it all unravels as his humane guilt reveals the natural human response. Retell. As for the last murder of Buckingham, he acknowledges “Thus Margaret’s curse falls heavily upon my neck” (Act 4, Sc 1). Quote - But no technique? Queen Margaret’s character is Shakespeare’s device in order to communicate what is going on in the play around the catastrophe of the Monarch. Although, her character’s political position is marginalised, therefore her words are dismissed more regularly than they should be. Ironically, it is right before Buckingham’s death that his own conscience foreshadows the words of Margaret “to help thee curse that poisonous bunch - back’d toad” (Act 1, Sc 3). This suggests how the role of women in the play is deemed insignificant by other characters but it is their voices that share the most accurate version of how reality unfolds. See how these last few sentences have just been retelling what happened in the text, more or less? You haven't been looking at what we learn about conscience - The word hasn't reappeared since the introduction. This is a representation of society’s patriarchal and the significance of the ‘divine right of kings in accordance with values and complications that arise from this. Great concept - But look at your topic sentence. Does it match? In Pacino’s text, his modern audience understands a psychological perspective and hence, values it and because of this he utilises Queen Margaret’s character to represent a psychological reality as Penelope Allen states “It’s primordial I think. She brings that kind of music into this experience.” Technique? Pacino’s use of Allen's voice identifies how humanities secular growth has enabled the voice of women to be valued and publicised, therefore demonstrating a growth in psychological capacity. The power of individuals subversion of institutional power holds currency for Pacino’s audience, however, this is not the case for Shakespeare's audience as they understood implications of free will. I like that you are trying to recognise differences in Shakespeare's audience and Pacino's - That's excellent. Queen Margaret is Pacino’s device in communicating the social realities of Shakespeare's context as he uses a ‘ghost like’ figure to share a visual representation of the value of the marginalised voice. Her haunting tone allows the audience to identify the suspicion present amongst the Monarch and to have an awareness and appreciation for her words. It is without her that the significance of conscience would not be present. In addition, lines are omitted from Pacino’s interpretation of the scene in order to highlight the key lines and allow his audience to open an understanding to Shakespeare’s work rather than intimidation. It is through growth in a secular society that the appreciation for abiding by conscience is appreciated. This is a better, more deliberate conclusion!
In conclusion, through Pacino’s modern interpretation, it is apparent that Shakespeare's literature can be made applicable to a 20th century audience. Nice. Both texts explore the relative values of their contexts and is a result by comparing them it enables an accessibility to each to transcend difficult concepts. A little wording issue there. Ultimately, Shakespeare’s communicated knowledge of humanity through ‘King Richard III’ can be understood and appreciated through Pacino’s ‘Looking for Richard’.
So I'll address those comments you had in the Document too:
Okay, so in particular I have struggled with writing my thesis stating to answer the question, have i addressed this?
Also, in ensuring I include my points of argument in a logical way throughout the intro. (Specifically, values and context)
So I think in attempting to include all this stuff, you've included too much. The intro is very conceptually busy and it lacks a clear direction as a result. In terms of answering the question, the question demands you to explore the relationship between context and values. That is, how does context influence how composers represent ideas? That isn't quite covered in your introduction, so you aren't responding to the question as directly as you could be. Basically, I'd ditch the contextual detail you had in the latter half of the intro, thus simplifying/streamlining your ideas, then reconsidering how you answer the question in the first sentence or two.
Is it an inconsistency in structure to have one idea spilt into two ideas and then my following paragraphs be combined into lengthier ones?
It does strike me as a little inconsistent, I think combining the first two into a single paragraph is absolutely doable for you :)
Have I addressed specific techniques clearly enough?
Unfortunately, not quite. I highlighted the times I noticed you using a specific technique in red above - I think there is about 5 in the whole essay. For a 20/20, I'd perhaps expect that many per paragraph. Part of this is because you are including too much textual retell of plots/details, and this takes up room you could use for more analysis!
Can you identify my arguments/ ideas clearly?
I think your ideas make sense, though they are a little vague at times. What need work is your direction - Sticking to the theme you identify at the start of the paragraph. In the last paragraph for example, it is on conscience but then you discuss things concerning power at one stage. Your topic sentence is like a contract - You say what you want to talk about, and then you hammer that home 110% in every sentence!
Also, is my writing too ‘wordy’? Is there anything not necessary to include?
I think your expression style is quite good! The odd sentence here or there that wasn't quite sitting right, but on the whole very clear!
You need to work on avoiding textual retell - That is, giving details from the plot or explaining things that happen to the characters. The marker doesn't need this, they just want straight analysis. The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience ____________. Boom, move on - Those sorts of direct sentences are what you need, try and break the pattern of explaining what happens to the character :)
Hopefully my comments throughout and these responses below will be helpful for you! By all means feel free to let me know if you'd like anything clarified! ;D
Post by: Wales on March 25, 2017, 02:36:37 pm
It's that time of the term where I again seek the wisdom of the essay markers here. My Mod A Essay on Richard III and LFR is due in my exam on Tuesday.
I've attached my essay below. I also need to cut out some. My word count fits however the character count is far above my creative writing despite having a similar word count. If you notice any evidence that is quite weak or unnecessary I may just cut it out completely to free up space.
Thank you, Wales
Post by: 1937jk on March 26, 2017, 12:15:15 pm
Hey! You can absolutely have some feedback, I've attached your essay in the spoiler below! Comments in bold ;DEssay with FeedbackQUESTION: The relationship between context and values affects an understanding and appreciation of intertextual connections. To what extent does this view accord with your comparative study of the prescribed texts?
Intertextual connections demonstrate the growth in humanity through societal values. This connection doesn't quite make sense - I know what you are getting at but you need to flesh this out a bit more (the way the same theme is treated in texts written at different times demonstrates societal evolution). This is a result of imposed challenges faced due to context and how humans respond to them. It is through William Shakespeare’s sixteenth century play ‘King Richard III’ that the historical fiction of a providential society depicts the results of an individual's involvement in the dynamics of power and how this exposes others to the vulnerabilities of persuasion. Be careful - This play wasn't fictional. It was a historical play. Similarly, Al Pacino’s twentieth century docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’, a contemporary interpretation of Shakespeare's work emphasises how values have been transformed across time, place and form between in order to develop a modern understanding of his universal themes and powerful language. Nice - This is the default way to approach a Shakespeare/Pacino comparison and it works well. Also, conscience reveals consequences of guilt and demonstrates a secular growth in society as the voice of women is strengthened through a modern interpretation. Shakespeare’s historical work of fiction was composed for an audience of the Tudor epoch and by casting Richard as a villain it affirmed the legitimate right of Henry Tudor to the throne as a result of the Battle of Bosworth. Try not to include this sort of contextual specific evidence just yet - Save it for your body paragraphs. Additionally, Pacino’s purpose was to “reach out to an audience who would not normally participate in this kind of language or world” and achieved this through connecting societal values of his American audience to the historical values of the Elizabethan era such as integrity and loyalty. Nice inclusion of quote. Through the reshaping of these texts and viewing them in tandem it is evident that Shakespeare’s literature is relevant in understanding the development of humanity in modern society. Solid introduction, but definitely too long. You've put too much in here - It needs to be punchier and a little simpler to make it clearer what your focus will be.
The continual growth and reformation of society is challenged by humanity. A little vague - In what way? Why do we resist change? Do you mean technological, power, or otherwise? Both texts utilise Richard’s character to illustrate the consequences of disregarding your humanity for power and its perceived benefits. Good. Richards deformity for him is perceived as a disadvantage in which ultimately drives his malicious intentions throughout the play. It enforces from the opening soliloquy, Richards high awareness of his own deformity, “I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion”(Act 1, Sc 1). This suggests that it is Richard's appearance that inhibits his ability to fit into the specific ‘proportions’ structured into the Elizabethan society. Good job for including a quote, but I'm missing a technique here - Without a technique, this is just retell! This is a reflection of the providential value of the monarchical hierarchy as he blames nature for his deformity claiming he was “cheated by feature”, hence, his deformity marginalises him from society and produces a fear in having an unstable political position in society. As a result, his deformity can be blamed for his corrupted mind as he concludes that the only way of overcoming his instability is by plotting the demise of others around him. Ultimately, this paragraph is not doing enough analytically. There is a lot of conceptual statements (too many, which makes things a bit confusing for the reader) - But only a single quote and no analysis. You need to be doing more to examine the portrayal of the ideas in the texts, through analysing techniques.
Comparably, through Pacino’s text it is fear that produces a barrier of inaccessibility between Shakespeare’s language and a modern American audience. Do you mean that American audiences are scared of Elizabethan language? This seems a little vague. Pacino, like, Richard desires the initiative to overcome fear, however his intentions are for the benefits of the audience's understanding as “we’ve provided this docudrama thing...so you know where you are”. Nice recognition of the audience - Be sure to identify the technique used here (it is metafilmic). This in terms of the play enables the audience to understand the plot, however, “by approaching it from different angles, putting on costumes, playing out scenes, we could communicate our passion for it.” This is Pacino’s recognition that modern society has developed an appreciation for the visual imagination and emotional connections. This is good exploration of HOW Pacino approaches his representation, but WHAT is he representing? What's the point of all these things? For this reason, by physically taking on Shakespeare’s literature, it enables Pacino to access its complexity for his audience. We see this through Pacino’s cross cuts of Vox populi and his demonstration of Richard’s humpback, where the people on the streets respond with recognition only when Pacino mentions “he was a humpback, one arm… Remember that?”. The cross cuts allow Pacino’s audience to understand the exaggeration of Richard’s exclusion, experienced as a result of his deformity. What concept does this relate to? Overall, this reinforces the value of connection to visuality and emotion of a modern American audience in order to understand the reformed values and development of humanity over history. I'm not getting a sense of direction in this paragraph - I'm not sure what the main point of it is. This is partly because there is no strong topic sentence that then sets the tone for the whole of the rest of the paragraph.
A human response to challenges is influenced by personal values and environment. Good! But still a little vague - What sort of challenges? What values? In order for Richard to obtain power and control he eschews all moral restraints by tactically targeting the vulnerabilities of his own House of York. He betrays Christian theocentric values and ideology of the Divine Right of Kings for personal gain, in which he challenges a secular interest in free will amongst a integral society. These two sentences were retell - Anyone who has read the text knows this for themselves! As for Hastings, when his political power becomes a threat to Richard's plan, Shakespeare uses his shared mistress as an enabler for Richard to overcome this, however he exceeds the norm of the expected in being disloyal. It is his oratory skill and polymorphous character in which persuades the execution of Hastings. Still retell. “Off with his head! - Now by Saint Paul” (Act 2, Sc 4). This religious reference is ironic as Richards malicious character has a committed many sins against the value of integrity and loyalty and rather his words allure the fact that he is about to have Hastings sacrificed which depicts an antithesis of the Christian core teachings. Good use of quote and you've sort of given a technique in the religious reference (allusion is a better term) - But what does it show the audience? What understanding do we gain? Further, how does this relate to our response to challenges, the main theme of the paragraph? In comparison, Pacino’s interpretation of Hastings’ significance is aligned with the 20th century movie “The Godfather”. He uses the analogy to a mafia “gathering of the dons” to communicate the rising anticipation of whether Richard can stop Hastings crowning the princes king in which is similar to somebody saying “just wait here, I’ll be back or you know wait in this room”. Retell. This reference enhances Pacino’s audience understanding of Richard’s pursuit of power and consequences of disregarding values as Pacino himself played the protagonist in ‘The Godfather’, hence, his currency of fame allows a modern day audience to recognise and connect the maligned themes of both texts. THIS sort of audience impact explanation/analysis is exactly what I need more of! Accordingly, the comparison of texts enforce how an individual’s reaction to persuasion has not changed through history, rather the same value of integrity and loyalty are relevant. So this is sort of a more specific version of your topic sentence - You haven't really shown this yet, so it feels a little out of place. Pacino sources the opinion of a scholar “In fact we know he’s as hard as nails, that he’s only pretending to be religious”. This view reiterates Richards secular view in a monarchical society by challenging the religious values and “they canvas like politicians, complete with lies and innuendo”. Sequentially, Pacino’s personal view opens the susceptibility of Richard's victims to his ability to persuade which allows him gain tyrannical power. Over history, the repeated human vulnerability to persuasion is demonstrated through Richard’s ability to overcome political barriers in order to reach the crown of England. Try to make your conclusions really strong and obvious - "Thus, we can see how Shakespeare and Pacino have represented the importance of loyalty." Something like that - Simple, references both texts. You KNOW the paragraph is done.
Conscience revolves around the value of honesty and the consequences of guilt for an individual. How does this relate to the essay? Does the audience gain new understandings of this concept? Richards character is plagued by conscience as a punishment for his tyranny. He previously ignored his conscience in order to complete his goal, but it all unravels as his humane guilt reveals the natural human response. Retell. As for the last murder of Buckingham, he acknowledges “Thus Margaret’s curse falls heavily upon my neck” (Act 4, Sc 1). Quote - But no technique? Queen Margaret’s character is Shakespeare’s device in order to communicate what is going on in the play around the catastrophe of the Monarch. Although, her character’s political position is marginalised, therefore her words are dismissed more regularly than they should be. Ironically, it is right before Buckingham’s death that his own conscience foreshadows the words of Margaret “to help thee curse that poisonous bunch - back’d toad” (Act 1, Sc 3). This suggests how the role of women in the play is deemed insignificant by other characters but it is their voices that share the most accurate version of how reality unfolds. See how these last few sentences have just been retelling what happened in the text, more or less? You haven't been looking at what we learn about conscience - The word hasn't reappeared since the introduction. This is a representation of society’s patriarchal and the significance of the ‘divine right of kings in accordance with values and complications that arise from this. Great concept - But look at your topic sentence. Does it match? In Pacino’s text, his modern audience understands a psychological perspective and hence, values it and because of this he utilises Queen Margaret’s character to represent a psychological reality as Penelope Allen states “It’s primordial I think. She brings that kind of music into this experience.” Technique? Pacino’s use of Allen's voice identifies how humanities secular growth has enabled the voice of women to be valued and publicised, therefore demonstrating a growth in psychological capacity. The power of individuals subversion of institutional power holds currency for Pacino’s audience, however, this is not the case for Shakespeare's audience as they understood implications of free will. I like that you are trying to recognise differences in Shakespeare's audience and Pacino's - That's excellent. Queen Margaret is Pacino’s device in communicating the social realities of Shakespeare's context as he uses a ‘ghost like’ figure to share a visual representation of the value of the marginalised voice. Her haunting tone allows the audience to identify the suspicion present amongst the Monarch and to have an awareness and appreciation for her words. It is without her that the significance of conscience would not be present. In addition, lines are omitted from Pacino’s interpretation of the scene in order to highlight the key lines and allow his audience to open an understanding to Shakespeare’s work rather than intimidation. It is through growth in a secular society that the appreciation for abiding by conscience is appreciated. This is a better, more deliberate conclusion!
In conclusion, through Pacino’s modern interpretation, it is apparent that Shakespeare's literature can be made applicable to a 20th century audience. Nice. Both texts explore the relative values of their contexts and is a result by comparing them it enables an accessibility to each to transcend difficult concepts. A little wording issue there. Ultimately, Shakespeare’s communicated knowledge of humanity through ‘King Richard III’ can be understood and appreciated through Pacino’s ‘Looking for Richard’.
So I'll address those comments you had in the Document too:
Okay, so in particular I have struggled with writing my thesis stating to answer the question, have i addressed this?
Also, in ensuring I include my points of argument in a logical way throughout the intro. (Specifically, values and context)
So I think in attempting to include all this stuff, you've included too much. The intro is very conceptually busy and it lacks a clear direction as a result. In terms of answering the question, the question demands you to explore the relationship between context and values. That is, how does context influence how composers represent ideas? That isn't quite covered in your introduction, so you aren't responding to the question as directly as you could be. Basically, I'd ditch the contextual detail you had in the latter half of the intro, thus simplifying/streamlining your ideas, then reconsidering how you answer the question in the first sentence or two.
Is it an inconsistency in structure to have one idea spilt into two ideas and then my following paragraphs be combined into lengthier ones?
It does strike me as a little inconsistent, I think combining the first two into a single paragraph is absolutely doable for you :)
Have I addressed specific techniques clearly enough?
Unfortunately, not quite. I highlighted the times I noticed you using a specific technique in red above - I think there is about 5 in the whole essay. For a 20/20, I'd perhaps expect that many per paragraph. Part of this is because you are including too much textual retell of plots/details, and this takes up room you could use for more analysis!
Can you identify my arguments/ ideas clearly?
I think your ideas make sense, though they are a little vague at times. What need work is your direction - Sticking to the theme you identify at the start of the paragraph. In the last paragraph for example, it is on conscience but then you discuss things concerning power at one stage. Your topic sentence is like a contract - You say what you want to talk about, and then you hammer that home 110% in every sentence!
Also, is my writing too ‘wordy’? Is there anything not necessary to include?
I think your expression style is quite good! The odd sentence here or there that wasn't quite sitting right, but on the whole very clear!
You need to work on avoiding textual retell - That is, giving details from the plot or explaining things that happen to the characters. The marker doesn't need this, they just want straight analysis. The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience ____________. Boom, move on - Those sorts of direct sentences are what you need, try and break the pattern of explaining what happens to the character :)
Hopefully my comments throughout and these responses below will be helpful for you! By all means feel free to let me know if you'd like anything clarified! ;D
Your feedback is absolutely awesome thank you so much! You definitely helped me clarify what was confusing me in my own writing aha!
Will definitely be including more techniques and refining my essay, Thank you again I really appreciate it!!!!!
Post by: jakesilove on March 26, 2017, 01:03:59 pm
Hi! This is my Module A essay for my half yearly in response to the question:
Discuss which one of these two texts you feel evokes a more sympathetic response to the human desire for meaningful relationships
Feel free to rip it apart :P also do you think there are too many quotes? and any suggestions for a better conclusion would be good too, cheers ;D
Hey! Check out my comments below :)
Original essay
Spoiler
Discuss which one of these two texts you feel evokes a more sympathetic response to the human desire for meaningful relationships
Feel free to rip it apart :P also do you think there are too many quotes? and any suggestions for a better conclusion would be good too, cheers ;D
A similar perspective of the desire and struggle of individuals to achieve idealised love is revealed through both F.Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese. The enduring relevance of this universal struggle across contexts is represented in both texts, drawing out feelings of sympathy for both lovers in their desire for meaningful relationships, however the response of a contemporary audience is largely drawn from the depiction of contextual influences on their love. The Sonnets of EBB explore the attainment of love and its transcendence of physical and contextual constraints in the dynamic Victorian era hopeful of change, in comparison to the destructive pursuit of love centred on hedonistic, material values and corruption in The Great Gatsby. Ultimately, it is Browning’s sonnets that evoke a sympathetic response from a contemporary audience, further confirmed by her ultimate attainment of such love. EBB’s love, unshackled by worldly constraints, contrasted with Gatsby’s inability to achieve his vision, reinforces the image of a disillusioned postwar society where ideal love has no value.
The contextual impediments of obtaining their idealised relationship is portrayed in both texts, creating elements of sympathy for both EBB and Gatsby who reflect conflicting desires to that of their context. The torch that EBB “holds...out” is a metaphor for the words she cannot form to express her love. The hand would ‘hold out’ the torch and it would then ‘cast light on each’ of their faces.’ This subverts the traditional notion of the submissive woman in Petrarchan poetry, as she is the torch bearer, and therefore the one in control. Similarly, Gatsby inability to express his love is also represented by the green light on the end of Gatsby’s lovers dock in East Egg, as seen from the end of his pier across the water in West Egg. “...distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away...the end of a dock.” The green light, as seen from the end of Gatsby’s pier, is symbolic of Gatsby’s vision and hope that he wed to Daisy, as well as their differing worlds, he from new money in West Egg opposed to the older money classes of the East, reinforcing his lack of prestige and the distance it creates, producing elements of sympathy as he worships his long lost love. [Arms outstretched]...towards the dark water in a curious way...trembling.” EBB, however, denounces her previous position of power and control by submitting humbly to Robert, “I drop it at thy feet.” This suggests her powerlessness to be the torchbearer and consequently reveals to him that she is unable to effectively communicate her love for him in writing. EBB therefore highlights her inability to express her love to Robert Browning as a result of having to follow traditional courtly conventions. The play on contrasting words, “And that I stand unwon, however wooed,” emphasises the paradoxical nature of her situation. EBB thus insists that she retains a tragic identity as the always ‘unwon’ and enduring woman, and the lover who cannot admit love, evoking heartfelt empathy from a contemporary audience.
Fitzgerald’s initial portrayal of Gatsby’s love for Daisy evokes elements of sympathy, but ultimately depicts love as an enticing but destructive dream, rendered meaningless if based on physical and material values. Gatsby’s desire for Daisy and his desire for love, described by Nick as a “romantic readiness, such as I have never found in any other person,” moves beyond a pure and virtuous love for her an an individual lover. Daisy becomes the embodiment of all material and physical desire for Gatsby, highlighted by his remark that her voice “is full of money.” Gatsby thus reveals his fundamental understanding of Daisy’s connection to wealth and the subsequent urgency of his need to acquire it. Moreover, in placing Daisy and the wealth she portrays on a pedestal, Gatsby elevates her beyond the real and attainable, placing her in the untenable position of competing with an illusion of perfection. “There must have been moments, even that afternoon, [...] when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams...because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.” Inevitably, the revival of the love affair between the lovers and the possibility of attaining his dream prove almost anti-climactic, threatening to diminish Daisy’s value as an “enchanted object.” Whilst Daisy’s affection for Gatsby is evident, her “face...smeared with tears,” during their reunion, the importance she places on materialistic values overrides any meaningful connection to Gatsby. This is demonstrated through her marriage to Tom. Whilst Daisy almost changed her mind about marrying Tom after receiving a letter from Gatsby, she eventually went through with the ceremony, “without so much as a shiver...the pearls were around her neck and the incident was over.” During the first meeting of Daisy and Gatsby, Daisy’s response to him is enhanced by his display of material possessions and beautiful objects that he acquired as a part of his quest to win her back. Gatsby unquestionably accepting her consumeristic attitude typical of the postwar 1920s by, “Revalue[ing] everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes.” The relationship between Daisy and Gatsby, moreover, is a result of Gatsby’s idealism of Daisy, romantic love, and corrupted by his obsessive pursuit of material wealth, ultimately draws little sympathy from a contemporary audience.
Browning, in comparison, depicts a love that is able to transcend and strengthen despite hardship, evoking a favourable response to her desire to share a meaningful and lasting relationship with Robert Browning. “While the winds are rough,” in Sonnet XIII indicates the external factors which are acting as obstacles to the relationship and their love prevented from being expressed publicly. This has also been attributed to EBB’s father, a controlling man who had forbidden any of his children to marry. Regardless, the use of the word “beloved” to describe Robert Browning in Sonnet XIV dispels any doubt about her love for him.The desire of EBB to create a significant, meaningful romantic relationship is conveyed by her demands to Robert regarding the nature of his love in Sonnet XIV, urging him not to love her for any particular reason, but simply because he lovers her, “If thou must love me, let it be for nought/Except for love’s sake only.” Browning argues that if there is a particular reason for loving someone, a change in circumstances can remove the reason and destroy the love. She further amplifies this idea by listing conventional attributes admired in women, to warn Robert of these superficial qualities that prevent pure and lasting love, “Do not say/I love her for her smile...her look...her way/Of speaking gently…” EBB metaphorically compares Robert declaring his love to ringing a bell, “toll,” and “silver utterance,” has positive connotations. Silver is less previous than gold, and therefore the love they share, whilst still precious is more real than ideal. Whilst EBB enjoys hearing Robert say he loves her, “Say...Thou dost love me,” she also him to lover her “in silence,” with his “soul,” restating her desire for a deep and lasting love. EBB’s final declaration of love illustrates the depth and worth of their love, hoping that if God allows she will lover him even better after death, “...And, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”
Ultimately, it is the purity and sincerity of EBB’s love, able to overcome contextual constraints and attain their desired relationship that evokes a greater extent of sympathy, as compared with the materialistic and corrupted ideals of love portrayed in The Great Gatsby.
Feel free to rip it apart :P also do you think there are too many quotes? and any suggestions for a better conclusion would be good too, cheers ;D
A similar perspective of the desire and struggle of individuals to achieve idealised love is revealed through both F.Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese. The enduring relevance of this universal struggle across contexts is represented in both texts, drawing out feelings of sympathy for both lovers in their desire for meaningful relationships, however the response of a contemporary audience is largely drawn from the depiction of contextual influences on their love. The Sonnets of EBB explore the attainment of love and its transcendence of physical and contextual constraints in the dynamic Victorian era hopeful of change, in comparison to the destructive pursuit of love centred on hedonistic, material values and corruption in The Great Gatsby. Ultimately, it is Browning’s sonnets that evoke a sympathetic response from a contemporary audience, further confirmed by her ultimate attainment of such love. EBB’s love, unshackled by worldly constraints, contrasted with Gatsby’s inability to achieve his vision, reinforces the image of a disillusioned postwar society where ideal love has no value.
The contextual impediments of obtaining their idealised relationship is portrayed in both texts, creating elements of sympathy for both EBB and Gatsby who reflect conflicting desires to that of their context. The torch that EBB “holds...out” is a metaphor for the words she cannot form to express her love. The hand would ‘hold out’ the torch and it would then ‘cast light on each’ of their faces.’ This subverts the traditional notion of the submissive woman in Petrarchan poetry, as she is the torch bearer, and therefore the one in control. Similarly, Gatsby inability to express his love is also represented by the green light on the end of Gatsby’s lovers dock in East Egg, as seen from the end of his pier across the water in West Egg. “...distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away...the end of a dock.” The green light, as seen from the end of Gatsby’s pier, is symbolic of Gatsby’s vision and hope that he wed to Daisy, as well as their differing worlds, he from new money in West Egg opposed to the older money classes of the East, reinforcing his lack of prestige and the distance it creates, producing elements of sympathy as he worships his long lost love. [Arms outstretched]...towards the dark water in a curious way...trembling.” EBB, however, denounces her previous position of power and control by submitting humbly to Robert, “I drop it at thy feet.” This suggests her powerlessness to be the torchbearer and consequently reveals to him that she is unable to effectively communicate her love for him in writing. EBB therefore highlights her inability to express her love to Robert Browning as a result of having to follow traditional courtly conventions. The play on contrasting words, “And that I stand unwon, however wooed,” emphasises the paradoxical nature of her situation. EBB thus insists that she retains a tragic identity as the always ‘unwon’ and enduring woman, and the lover who cannot admit love, evoking heartfelt empathy from a contemporary audience.
Fitzgerald’s initial portrayal of Gatsby’s love for Daisy evokes elements of sympathy, but ultimately depicts love as an enticing but destructive dream, rendered meaningless if based on physical and material values. Gatsby’s desire for Daisy and his desire for love, described by Nick as a “romantic readiness, such as I have never found in any other person,” moves beyond a pure and virtuous love for her an an individual lover. Daisy becomes the embodiment of all material and physical desire for Gatsby, highlighted by his remark that her voice “is full of money.” Gatsby thus reveals his fundamental understanding of Daisy’s connection to wealth and the subsequent urgency of his need to acquire it. Moreover, in placing Daisy and the wealth she portrays on a pedestal, Gatsby elevates her beyond the real and attainable, placing her in the untenable position of competing with an illusion of perfection. “There must have been moments, even that afternoon, [...] when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams...because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.” Inevitably, the revival of the love affair between the lovers and the possibility of attaining his dream prove almost anti-climactic, threatening to diminish Daisy’s value as an “enchanted object.” Whilst Daisy’s affection for Gatsby is evident, her “face...smeared with tears,” during their reunion, the importance she places on materialistic values overrides any meaningful connection to Gatsby. This is demonstrated through her marriage to Tom. Whilst Daisy almost changed her mind about marrying Tom after receiving a letter from Gatsby, she eventually went through with the ceremony, “without so much as a shiver...the pearls were around her neck and the incident was over.” During the first meeting of Daisy and Gatsby, Daisy’s response to him is enhanced by his display of material possessions and beautiful objects that he acquired as a part of his quest to win her back. Gatsby unquestionably accepting her consumeristic attitude typical of the postwar 1920s by, “Revalue[ing] everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes.” The relationship between Daisy and Gatsby, moreover, is a result of Gatsby’s idealism of Daisy, romantic love, and corrupted by his obsessive pursuit of material wealth, ultimately draws little sympathy from a contemporary audience.
Browning, in comparison, depicts a love that is able to transcend and strengthen despite hardship, evoking a favourable response to her desire to share a meaningful and lasting relationship with Robert Browning. “While the winds are rough,” in Sonnet XIII indicates the external factors which are acting as obstacles to the relationship and their love prevented from being expressed publicly. This has also been attributed to EBB’s father, a controlling man who had forbidden any of his children to marry. Regardless, the use of the word “beloved” to describe Robert Browning in Sonnet XIV dispels any doubt about her love for him.The desire of EBB to create a significant, meaningful romantic relationship is conveyed by her demands to Robert regarding the nature of his love in Sonnet XIV, urging him not to love her for any particular reason, but simply because he lovers her, “If thou must love me, let it be for nought/Except for love’s sake only.” Browning argues that if there is a particular reason for loving someone, a change in circumstances can remove the reason and destroy the love. She further amplifies this idea by listing conventional attributes admired in women, to warn Robert of these superficial qualities that prevent pure and lasting love, “Do not say/I love her for her smile...her look...her way/Of speaking gently…” EBB metaphorically compares Robert declaring his love to ringing a bell, “toll,” and “silver utterance,” has positive connotations. Silver is less previous than gold, and therefore the love they share, whilst still precious is more real than ideal. Whilst EBB enjoys hearing Robert say he loves her, “Say...Thou dost love me,” she also him to lover her “in silence,” with his “soul,” restating her desire for a deep and lasting love. EBB’s final declaration of love illustrates the depth and worth of their love, hoping that if God allows she will lover him even better after death, “...And, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”
Ultimately, it is the purity and sincerity of EBB’s love, able to overcome contextual constraints and attain their desired relationship that evokes a greater extent of sympathy, as compared with the materialistic and corrupted ideals of love portrayed in The Great Gatsby.
Essay with comments
Spoiler
Discuss which one of these two texts you feel evokes a more sympathetic response to the human desire for meaningful relationships
A similar perspective of the desire and struggle of individuals to achieve idealised love is revealed through both F.Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese. Probably best to underline the texts, or put them in 'commas'. Great first sentence! The enduring relevance of this universal struggle across contexts is represented in both texts, drawing out feelings of sympathy for both lovers in their desire for meaningful relationships. New sentence however, the response of a contemporary audience is largely drawn from the depiction of contextual influences on their love. The Sonnets of EBB explore the attainment of love and its transcendence of physical and contextual constraints in the dynamic Victorian era hopeful of change, in comparison to the destructive pursuit of love centred on hedonistic, material values and corruption in The Great Gatsby. Ultimately, it is Browning’s sonnets that evoke a sympathetic response from a contemporary audience, further confirmed by her ultimate attainment of such love. EBB’s love, unshackled by worldly constraints, contrasted with Gatsby’s inability to achieve his vision, reinforces the image of a disillusioned postwar society where ideal love has no value.
Honestly, this is a brilliant introduction. Your thesis is strong, your language is excellent. Great job.
The contextual impediments of obtaining their who?idealised relationship is portrayed in both texts, creating elements of sympathy for both EBB and Gatsby who reflect conflicting desires to that of their context. The torch that EBB “holds...out” is a metaphor for the words she cannot form to express her love. The hand would ‘hold out’ the torch and it would then ‘cast light on each’ of their faces. This subverts the traditional notion of the submissive woman in Petrarchan poetry, as she is the torch bearer, and therefore the one in control. Bring this back to the question. What response does this evoke in the audience? Is the response different for a modern audience, versus an audience entrenched in the content within which the Sonnets were written? Similarly, Gatsby's inability to express his love is also represented by the green light on the end of Gatsby’s lover's dock in East Egg, as seen from the end of his pier across the water in West Egg. This is a bit too much of a description of the piece. Since you're clearly writing a very, very good essay, try to summarise any discussion of plot into a single, succinct sentence. “...distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away...the end of a dock.” Ideally, quotes will be shorter than this. However, if you think it's necessary, stick with it! Just don't have long quotes very often. The green light, as seen from the end of Gatsby’s pier, is symbolic of Gatsby’s vision and hope that he wed to Daisy, as well as their differing worlds, he from new money in West Egg opposed to the older money classes of the East, reinforcing his lack of prestige and the distance it creates, producing elements of sympathy as he worships his long lost love. That is one hell of a sentence. Definitely try to break it up; read it outloud, and if you find yourself struggling to make it through, you know that you're sentence is too long and rambly. Again, try to link this back to the notion of the question; one of evoking emotions in the audience, not just the result of a technique on the plot. [Arms outstretched]...towards the dark water in a curious way...trembling.” EBB, however, denounces her previous position of power and control by submitting humbly to Robert, “I drop it at thy feet.” This suggests her powerlessness to be the torchbearer and consequently reveals to him that she is unable to effectively communicate her love for him in writing. Is she quite powerless? Did she not just wield the torch? Perhaps instead you can suggest that, initially, she resists societal expectations regarding typical gender roles. However, over time, she is worn down and eventually capitulates. This may not be true/what you believe, but try to bring the impact of context into this change in position of the protagonist. EBB therefore highlights her inability to express her love to Robert Browning as a result of having to follow traditional courtly conventions. The play on contrasting words, “And that I stand unwon, however wooed,” emphasises the paradoxical nature of her situation Give me more detail on this. You do a great job of identifying quotes, and specifying the technique, however you need to be stronger when linking the impact of the technique to your thesis rather than just the plot. EBB thus insists that she retains a tragic identity as the always ‘unwon’ and enduring woman, and the lover who cannot admit love, evoking heartfelt empathy from a contemporary audience.
Just want to reiterate that this is a brilliant essay, and I'm only pointing out things that I think could be improved. Genuinely incredible work so far.
Fitzgerald’s initial portrayal of Gatsby’s love for Daisy evokes elements of sympathy, but ultimately depicts love as an enticing but destructive dream, rendered meaningless if based on physical and material values. Beatiful Gatsby’s desire for Daisy and his desire for love, described by Nick as a “romantic readiness, such as I have never found in any other person,” moves beyond a pure and virtuous love for her an an individual lover. Daisy becomes the embodiment of all material and physical desire for Gatsby, highlighted by his remark that her voice “is full of money.” Gatsby thus reveals his fundamental understanding of Daisy’s connection to wealth and the subsequent urgency of his need to acquire it. Moreover, in placing Daisy and the wealth she portrays on a pedestal, Gatsby elevates her beyond the real and attainable, placing her in the untenable position of competing with an illusion of perfection. “There must have been moments, even that afternoon, [...] when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams...because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.” Inevitably, the revival of the love affair between the lovers and the possibility of attaining his dream prove almost anti-climactic, threatening to diminish Daisy’s value as an “enchanted object.” Whilst Daisy’s affection for Gatsby is evident, her “face...smeared with tears,” during their reunion, the importance she places on materialistic values overrides any meaningful connection to Gatsby. This is demonstrated through her marriage to Tom. Whilst Daisy almost changed her mind about marrying Tom after receiving a letter from Gatsby, she eventually went through with the ceremony, “without so much as a shiver...the pearls were around her neck and the incident was over.” During the first meeting of Daisy and Gatsby, Daisy’s response to him is enhanced by his display of material possessions and beautiful objects that he acquired as a part of his quest to win her back. Gatsby unquestionably accepting her consumeristic attitude typical of the postwar 1920s by, “Revalue[ing] everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes.” The relationship between Daisy and Gatsby, moreover, is a result of Gatsby’s idealism of Daisy, romantic love, and corrupted by his obsessive pursuit of material wealth, ultimately draws little sympathy from a contemporary audience.
Very littler to add re the previous paragraph, other than the comments I have already made. Make sure to weave your thesis in throughout, rather than just including it at the start and end of a paragraph. Additionally, I do think you have too many quotes in this last paragraph. Instead, substitute more analysis.
Browning, in comparison, depicts a love that is able to transcend and strengthen despite hardship, evoking a favourable response to her desire to share a meaningful and lasting relationship with Robert Browning. “While the winds are rough,” in Sonnet XIII indicates the external factors which are acting as obstacles to the relationship and their love prevented from being expressed publicly. This has also been attributed to EBB’s father, a controlling man who had forbidden any of his children to marry. Regardless, the use of the word “beloved” to describe Robert Browning in Sonnet XIV dispels any doubt about her love for him.The desire of EBB to create a significant, meaningful romantic relationship is conveyed by her demands to Robert regarding the nature of his love in Sonnet XIV, urging him not to love her for any particular reason, but simply because he lovers her, “If thou must love me, let it be for nought/Except for love’s sake only.” Browning argues that if there is a particular reason for loving someone, a change in circumstances can remove the reason and destroy the love. She further amplifies this idea by listing conventional attributes admired in women, to warn Robert of these superficial qualities that prevent pure and lasting love, “Do not say/I love her for her smile...her look...her way/Of speaking gently…” EBB metaphorically compares Robert declaring his love to ringing a bell, “toll,” and “silver utterance,” has positive connotations. Silver is less previous than gold, and therefore the love they share, whilst still precious is more real than ideal. Whilst EBB enjoys hearing Robert say he loves her, “Say...Thou dost love me,” she also him to lover her “in silence,” with his “soul,” restating her desire for a deep and lasting love. EBB’s final declaration of love illustrates the depth and worth of their love, hoping that if God allows she will lover him even better after death, “...And, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”
A bit too much 'telling'. Again, the start of your essay is very analysis-oriented, which the second half is much more focused on textual analysis. This is good, however it would be nice to have a mix of both throughout. It's such a brilliant essay that I don't know if a marker would care, but yeah that's what I think
Ultimately, it is the purity and sincerity of EBB’s love, able to overcome contextual constraints and attain their desired relationship that evokes a greater extent of sympathy, as compared with the materialistic and corrupted ideals of love portrayed in The Great Gatsby.
Brilliant. I think all of my comments are above, and I don't have much else to add. Keep working on it, refining it, until it's absolutely perfect (which isn't too far away a pursuit!).
A similar perspective of the desire and struggle of individuals to achieve idealised love is revealed through both F.Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese. Probably best to underline the texts, or put them in 'commas'. Great first sentence! The enduring relevance of this universal struggle across contexts is represented in both texts, drawing out feelings of sympathy for both lovers in their desire for meaningful relationships. New sentence however, the response of a contemporary audience is largely drawn from the depiction of contextual influences on their love. The Sonnets of EBB explore the attainment of love and its transcendence of physical and contextual constraints in the dynamic Victorian era hopeful of change, in comparison to the destructive pursuit of love centred on hedonistic, material values and corruption in The Great Gatsby. Ultimately, it is Browning’s sonnets that evoke a sympathetic response from a contemporary audience, further confirmed by her ultimate attainment of such love. EBB’s love, unshackled by worldly constraints, contrasted with Gatsby’s inability to achieve his vision, reinforces the image of a disillusioned postwar society where ideal love has no value.
Honestly, this is a brilliant introduction. Your thesis is strong, your language is excellent. Great job.
The contextual impediments of obtaining their who?idealised relationship is portrayed in both texts, creating elements of sympathy for both EBB and Gatsby who reflect conflicting desires to that of their context. The torch that EBB “holds...out” is a metaphor for the words she cannot form to express her love. The hand would ‘hold out’ the torch and it would then ‘cast light on each’ of their faces. This subverts the traditional notion of the submissive woman in Petrarchan poetry, as she is the torch bearer, and therefore the one in control. Bring this back to the question. What response does this evoke in the audience? Is the response different for a modern audience, versus an audience entrenched in the content within which the Sonnets were written? Similarly, Gatsby's inability to express his love is also represented by the green light on the end of Gatsby’s lover's dock in East Egg, as seen from the end of his pier across the water in West Egg. This is a bit too much of a description of the piece. Since you're clearly writing a very, very good essay, try to summarise any discussion of plot into a single, succinct sentence. “...distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away...the end of a dock.” Ideally, quotes will be shorter than this. However, if you think it's necessary, stick with it! Just don't have long quotes very often. The green light, as seen from the end of Gatsby’s pier, is symbolic of Gatsby’s vision and hope that he wed to Daisy, as well as their differing worlds, he from new money in West Egg opposed to the older money classes of the East, reinforcing his lack of prestige and the distance it creates, producing elements of sympathy as he worships his long lost love. That is one hell of a sentence. Definitely try to break it up; read it outloud, and if you find yourself struggling to make it through, you know that you're sentence is too long and rambly. Again, try to link this back to the notion of the question; one of evoking emotions in the audience, not just the result of a technique on the plot. [Arms outstretched]...towards the dark water in a curious way...trembling.” EBB, however, denounces her previous position of power and control by submitting humbly to Robert, “I drop it at thy feet.” This suggests her powerlessness to be the torchbearer and consequently reveals to him that she is unable to effectively communicate her love for him in writing. Is she quite powerless? Did she not just wield the torch? Perhaps instead you can suggest that, initially, she resists societal expectations regarding typical gender roles. However, over time, she is worn down and eventually capitulates. This may not be true/what you believe, but try to bring the impact of context into this change in position of the protagonist. EBB therefore highlights her inability to express her love to Robert Browning as a result of having to follow traditional courtly conventions. The play on contrasting words, “And that I stand unwon, however wooed,” emphasises the paradoxical nature of her situation Give me more detail on this. You do a great job of identifying quotes, and specifying the technique, however you need to be stronger when linking the impact of the technique to your thesis rather than just the plot. EBB thus insists that she retains a tragic identity as the always ‘unwon’ and enduring woman, and the lover who cannot admit love, evoking heartfelt empathy from a contemporary audience.
Just want to reiterate that this is a brilliant essay, and I'm only pointing out things that I think could be improved. Genuinely incredible work so far.
Fitzgerald’s initial portrayal of Gatsby’s love for Daisy evokes elements of sympathy, but ultimately depicts love as an enticing but destructive dream, rendered meaningless if based on physical and material values. Beatiful Gatsby’s desire for Daisy and his desire for love, described by Nick as a “romantic readiness, such as I have never found in any other person,” moves beyond a pure and virtuous love for her an an individual lover. Daisy becomes the embodiment of all material and physical desire for Gatsby, highlighted by his remark that her voice “is full of money.” Gatsby thus reveals his fundamental understanding of Daisy’s connection to wealth and the subsequent urgency of his need to acquire it. Moreover, in placing Daisy and the wealth she portrays on a pedestal, Gatsby elevates her beyond the real and attainable, placing her in the untenable position of competing with an illusion of perfection. “There must have been moments, even that afternoon, [...] when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams...because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.” Inevitably, the revival of the love affair between the lovers and the possibility of attaining his dream prove almost anti-climactic, threatening to diminish Daisy’s value as an “enchanted object.” Whilst Daisy’s affection for Gatsby is evident, her “face...smeared with tears,” during their reunion, the importance she places on materialistic values overrides any meaningful connection to Gatsby. This is demonstrated through her marriage to Tom. Whilst Daisy almost changed her mind about marrying Tom after receiving a letter from Gatsby, she eventually went through with the ceremony, “without so much as a shiver...the pearls were around her neck and the incident was over.” During the first meeting of Daisy and Gatsby, Daisy’s response to him is enhanced by his display of material possessions and beautiful objects that he acquired as a part of his quest to win her back. Gatsby unquestionably accepting her consumeristic attitude typical of the postwar 1920s by, “Revalue[ing] everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes.” The relationship between Daisy and Gatsby, moreover, is a result of Gatsby’s idealism of Daisy, romantic love, and corrupted by his obsessive pursuit of material wealth, ultimately draws little sympathy from a contemporary audience.
Very littler to add re the previous paragraph, other than the comments I have already made. Make sure to weave your thesis in throughout, rather than just including it at the start and end of a paragraph. Additionally, I do think you have too many quotes in this last paragraph. Instead, substitute more analysis.
Browning, in comparison, depicts a love that is able to transcend and strengthen despite hardship, evoking a favourable response to her desire to share a meaningful and lasting relationship with Robert Browning. “While the winds are rough,” in Sonnet XIII indicates the external factors which are acting as obstacles to the relationship and their love prevented from being expressed publicly. This has also been attributed to EBB’s father, a controlling man who had forbidden any of his children to marry. Regardless, the use of the word “beloved” to describe Robert Browning in Sonnet XIV dispels any doubt about her love for him.The desire of EBB to create a significant, meaningful romantic relationship is conveyed by her demands to Robert regarding the nature of his love in Sonnet XIV, urging him not to love her for any particular reason, but simply because he lovers her, “If thou must love me, let it be for nought/Except for love’s sake only.” Browning argues that if there is a particular reason for loving someone, a change in circumstances can remove the reason and destroy the love. She further amplifies this idea by listing conventional attributes admired in women, to warn Robert of these superficial qualities that prevent pure and lasting love, “Do not say/I love her for her smile...her look...her way/Of speaking gently…” EBB metaphorically compares Robert declaring his love to ringing a bell, “toll,” and “silver utterance,” has positive connotations. Silver is less previous than gold, and therefore the love they share, whilst still precious is more real than ideal. Whilst EBB enjoys hearing Robert say he loves her, “Say...Thou dost love me,” she also him to lover her “in silence,” with his “soul,” restating her desire for a deep and lasting love. EBB’s final declaration of love illustrates the depth and worth of their love, hoping that if God allows she will lover him even better after death, “...And, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”
A bit too much 'telling'. Again, the start of your essay is very analysis-oriented, which the second half is much more focused on textual analysis. This is good, however it would be nice to have a mix of both throughout. It's such a brilliant essay that I don't know if a marker would care, but yeah that's what I think
Ultimately, it is the purity and sincerity of EBB’s love, able to overcome contextual constraints and attain their desired relationship that evokes a greater extent of sympathy, as compared with the materialistic and corrupted ideals of love portrayed in The Great Gatsby.
Brilliant. I think all of my comments are above, and I don't have much else to add. Keep working on it, refining it, until it's absolutely perfect (which isn't too far away a pursuit!).
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 26, 2017, 10:58:38 pm
Hey :)
It's that time of the term where I again seek the wisdom of the essay markers here. My Mod A Essay on Richard III and LFR is due in my exam on Tuesday.
I've attached my essay below. I also need to cut out some. My word count fits however the character count is far above my creative writing despite having a similar word count. If you notice any evidence that is quite weak or unnecessary I may just cut it out completely to free up space.
Thank you, Wales
Hey Wales! Essay attached, comments in bold - You know the drill ;)
Essay
As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes. Individuals begin to become distanced from his profound works and begin to become entrapped in pop culture reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. This is an interesting way to start - Not the typical conceptual approach I'd expect. But it is a nice link to the module aims. Definitely captures attention so I'm for it! William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective of breaking the stereotype and transcending King Richard III’s confines of the Elizabethan context. By comparing contextual similarities and values the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context thus allowing for an enlightened understanding of Shakespeare’s great works today. I REALLY like this introduction - The one thing I'm missing is what values are presented by the composer. What is the purpose of their composition? If you can blend this into your arguments here I think you'd be on something original and a winner ;D
Shakespeare places great emphasis on Richards deceptive and multifaceted mannerisms depicting him as a machiavellian villain. The play opens with the breaking of the chain of being which in the Elizabethan era was a strict hierarchical structure of life under the control of God. The breaking foreshadows the imminent threat of a loss of authority in society that would ultimately be as a result of Richard’s actions and longing for control. This is a very text focused start to the paragraph - It isn't quite retell, but it is very much focused on what is happening in the text and what it represents. No technique, no analysis - And no connection to the audience. It's not quite what I'm looking for in a Module A essay. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s thirst for power in his use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power and the inherent malicious intent Richard carries. Richard’s desires become more apparent in Act 4 Scene 2 where he states he must “Marry my brother’s daughter” and “Murder her brothers”. Retell - Even linking a technique to this, it is still just saying what happened in the text. You don't need it![/b] Shakespeare’s use of incestous allusion during the Elizabethan Era where such acts were seen as intrinsically evil accentuates the extent to which Richard will proceed to in order to meet his insatiable lust for power. This is the perfect example of analysis that is too text focused - What extent will RICHARD go to. You have to remember that Richard is a puppet - Beyond Richard, what does the audience learn about the lust for power more generally? Furthermore in Richard's soliloquy he reveals his plans to “Set my brother Clarence and the King in deadly hate” which testifies to his manipulative nature. Retell. This combined with the marriage would appear to many as unsuspecting and is merely another facet through which Richard achieves his power further accentuating his deceitful persona and his duplicitous identity as a machiavellian villain. So this paragraph sets up the idea that Richard is a machiavellian villain - For what purpose? How does it fit into your greater idea/plan for the essay?
Conversely, by focusing on specific sections of the film relevant to the themes of power and the machiavellian nature of Richard, Pacino effectively captures the inherent essence of Richard’s actions and the consequences thus converting the Elizabethan theatricality of Shakespeare’s works to a postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama. A little bit of a 'mouthful' - COuld be worth splitting into two sentences. In contemporary society power is more defined as political power and manipulation of the masses alluding to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in the dark costuming and stage lighting assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Remember that commas are a thing - You need quite a few pauses in this sentence to make it more palatable for the reader. Good links to the audience though! Furthermore Pacino reinforces Richard’s duplicitous nature as he fulfills the role of both an actor and director. Retell. In the 20th Century the advent of totalitarianism alludes to the Shakespearean notion of justice and retribution capitalising on how in a ethnocentric society there are no limits to power shown through Richard’s riding crop symbolising his autocratic power and impunity in contrast to the divine retribution in Shakespeareans time. Bit much in that sentence. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s intents and translates them into a salient textual form for the contemporary audience to understand. You've done a better job with analysis here - But make sure that your concepts are clear. Quite a few of the conceptual explanations in this paragraph were a little unclear - Try not to make the reader work to understand your direction. It should just happen!
Throughout King Richard III one cannot help but to muse as to how Richard is so purely evil that he is able to carry out the deeds without conscience or fear of divine retribution. Keep your tone academic. Conscience first appears in Act 1 Scene 4 with the two murderers. Retell. The religious allusions of “stealing, swearing and adultery” signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable and only creates problems shown in “It fills a man of obstacles”. The murderer then goes onto introduce the anecdote “Makes a man a coward” emphasising the importance of one’s reputation in contrast to their moral beliefs. Still tending slightly towards retell. The concept of divine retribution is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “ Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” which suggests there exists a punishment for committing sins. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers shows the complicit nature of Richard being one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. I'm getting quotes and techniques, and even what they represent, but I'm not getting a grander purpose. What exactly is the concept that the audience is learning, what does the audience gain? What values are presented? Regardless of how far one strives to distance themselves from the belief of God, the theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies the omnipotent nature of divine intervention enforced by Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” is inescapable. That sentence doesn't quite make sense. The widespread influence of God is reflected in Richmond’s conscience in the religious allusion “God and good angels fight on Richmond’s side” which reinforces the presence of God in society. Ultimately the theme of conscience is explicitly displayed by exposing the effects of religion on multiple individuals’ actions and their conscience. Interesting ideas here, but a slight tendency towards retell, not enough links to audience.
Similarly Pacino effectively portrays the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions however the theme of divine retribution is parallelled with ethical and moral obligations. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into an ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society rather than God. That's a really interesting concept - I like it. The eloquent words during the interview of the African American on how words have lost their meaning and “If we felt what we said and say less we’d mean more” explores the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of retribution is less prominent as a result of the ineffective legal system. Technique here? Pacino’s choice of clothing the Princes in white symbolises their purity and innocence juxtaposing Tyrel’s clothing which was a darker color accentuating the intrinsic evils within his actions.What does the audience learn as a result? What's the purpose? The appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the notion of one fearing societal judgement as the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates Shakespeare’s notion of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience capitalising on the implicit influence of how one’s conscience is quintessential in shaping one’s relations, desires and decisions. This is probably your most conceptually direct paragraph so far - So props for that. Also a really cool relationship with Shakespeare, but I'd still like you to accentuate more. I'm still looking for more audience impacts too.
Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium whether it’s from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century, both present opportunities and challenges. Keep your tone academic. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.
Shakespeare places great emphasis on Richards deceptive and multifaceted mannerisms depicting him as a machiavellian villain. The play opens with the breaking of the chain of being which in the Elizabethan era was a strict hierarchical structure of life under the control of God. The breaking foreshadows the imminent threat of a loss of authority in society that would ultimately be as a result of Richard’s actions and longing for control. This is a very text focused start to the paragraph - It isn't quite retell, but it is very much focused on what is happening in the text and what it represents. No technique, no analysis - And no connection to the audience. It's not quite what I'm looking for in a Module A essay. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s thirst for power in his use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power and the inherent malicious intent Richard carries. Richard’s desires become more apparent in Act 4 Scene 2 where he states he must “Marry my brother’s daughter” and “Murder her brothers”. Retell - Even linking a technique to this, it is still just saying what happened in the text. You don't need it![/b] Shakespeare’s use of incestous allusion during the Elizabethan Era where such acts were seen as intrinsically evil accentuates the extent to which Richard will proceed to in order to meet his insatiable lust for power. This is the perfect example of analysis that is too text focused - What extent will RICHARD go to. You have to remember that Richard is a puppet - Beyond Richard, what does the audience learn about the lust for power more generally? Furthermore in Richard's soliloquy he reveals his plans to “Set my brother Clarence and the King in deadly hate” which testifies to his manipulative nature. Retell. This combined with the marriage would appear to many as unsuspecting and is merely another facet through which Richard achieves his power further accentuating his deceitful persona and his duplicitous identity as a machiavellian villain. So this paragraph sets up the idea that Richard is a machiavellian villain - For what purpose? How does it fit into your greater idea/plan for the essay?
Conversely, by focusing on specific sections of the film relevant to the themes of power and the machiavellian nature of Richard, Pacino effectively captures the inherent essence of Richard’s actions and the consequences thus converting the Elizabethan theatricality of Shakespeare’s works to a postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama. A little bit of a 'mouthful' - COuld be worth splitting into two sentences. In contemporary society power is more defined as political power and manipulation of the masses alluding to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in the dark costuming and stage lighting assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Remember that commas are a thing - You need quite a few pauses in this sentence to make it more palatable for the reader. Good links to the audience though! Furthermore Pacino reinforces Richard’s duplicitous nature as he fulfills the role of both an actor and director. Retell. In the 20th Century the advent of totalitarianism alludes to the Shakespearean notion of justice and retribution capitalising on how in a ethnocentric society there are no limits to power shown through Richard’s riding crop symbolising his autocratic power and impunity in contrast to the divine retribution in Shakespeareans time. Bit much in that sentence. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s intents and translates them into a salient textual form for the contemporary audience to understand. You've done a better job with analysis here - But make sure that your concepts are clear. Quite a few of the conceptual explanations in this paragraph were a little unclear - Try not to make the reader work to understand your direction. It should just happen!
Throughout King Richard III one cannot help but to muse as to how Richard is so purely evil that he is able to carry out the deeds without conscience or fear of divine retribution. Keep your tone academic. Conscience first appears in Act 1 Scene 4 with the two murderers. Retell. The religious allusions of “stealing, swearing and adultery” signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable and only creates problems shown in “It fills a man of obstacles”. The murderer then goes onto introduce the anecdote “Makes a man a coward” emphasising the importance of one’s reputation in contrast to their moral beliefs. Still tending slightly towards retell. The concept of divine retribution is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “ Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” which suggests there exists a punishment for committing sins. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers shows the complicit nature of Richard being one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. I'm getting quotes and techniques, and even what they represent, but I'm not getting a grander purpose. What exactly is the concept that the audience is learning, what does the audience gain? What values are presented? Regardless of how far one strives to distance themselves from the belief of God, the theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies the omnipotent nature of divine intervention enforced by Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” is inescapable. That sentence doesn't quite make sense. The widespread influence of God is reflected in Richmond’s conscience in the religious allusion “God and good angels fight on Richmond’s side” which reinforces the presence of God in society. Ultimately the theme of conscience is explicitly displayed by exposing the effects of religion on multiple individuals’ actions and their conscience. Interesting ideas here, but a slight tendency towards retell, not enough links to audience.
Similarly Pacino effectively portrays the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions however the theme of divine retribution is parallelled with ethical and moral obligations. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into an ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society rather than God. That's a really interesting concept - I like it. The eloquent words during the interview of the African American on how words have lost their meaning and “If we felt what we said and say less we’d mean more” explores the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of retribution is less prominent as a result of the ineffective legal system. Technique here? Pacino’s choice of clothing the Princes in white symbolises their purity and innocence juxtaposing Tyrel’s clothing which was a darker color accentuating the intrinsic evils within his actions.What does the audience learn as a result? What's the purpose? The appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the notion of one fearing societal judgement as the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates Shakespeare’s notion of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience capitalising on the implicit influence of how one’s conscience is quintessential in shaping one’s relations, desires and decisions. This is probably your most conceptually direct paragraph so far - So props for that. Also a really cool relationship with Shakespeare, but I'd still like you to accentuate more. I'm still looking for more audience impacts too.
Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium whether it’s from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century, both present opportunities and challenges. Keep your tone academic. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.
So I think you've taken a really interesting and unique approach to this essay - Your introduction definitely commands attention and I commend you for going off the beaten track with how you've approached it. You've also done a great job drawing comparison between your texts. That said, I think you've missed on a few other basics. Some pointers:
- This essay was really difficult to read at times. Easiest way to fix - Commas. If you have a sentence that stretches more than a line, chances are it needs a comma. At times I had to stop and read your sentence word by word, grouping the ideas myself to try and interpret your meaning. When you've got a marker doing 30 essays, they won't spend that time. They'll just say you don't make any sense. Be sure to communicate ideas clearly!
- I think your essay lacks a conceptual direction. So you are talking about how Pacino makes the ideas of Shakespeare contemporary - That's awesome. But what ideas? I didn't have that clarity from your intro and that carries through the essay, I'm constantly asking, "Well so what?" Why is this relevant? You need to set up a stronger big concept that you focus on throughout your analysis, and focus on how Pacino brings THAT into the now.
- Watch quality of analysis. I gave you a few indicators - More audience links, watch for retell, ensure everything has a technique.
Hopefully these, plus some of my comments throughout, prove helpful! Feel free to let me know if I can clarify anything for you! ;D
Post by: Snew on March 27, 2017, 10:28:35 am
Quote
Brilliant. I think all of my comments are above, and I don't have much else to add. Keep working on it, refining it, until it's absolutely perfect (which isn't too far away a pursuit!).
Thank you heaps Jake! That was really encouraging and very appreciated, I will!! :D
Post by: Wales on March 27, 2017, 11:57:41 am
Hey Wales! Essay attached, comments in bold - You know the drill ;)EssayAs society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes. Individuals begin to become distanced from his profound works and begin to become entrapped in pop culture reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. This is an interesting way to start - Not the typical conceptual approach I'd expect. But it is a nice link to the module aims. Definitely captures attention so I'm for it! William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective of breaking the stereotype and transcending King Richard III’s confines of the Elizabethan context. By comparing contextual similarities and values the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context thus allowing for an enlightened understanding of Shakespeare’s great works today. I REALLY like this introduction - The one thing I'm missing is what values are presented by the composer. What is the purpose of their composition? If you can blend this into your arguments here I think you'd be on something original and a winner ;D
Shakespeare places great emphasis on Richards deceptive and multifaceted mannerisms depicting him as a machiavellian villain. The play opens with the breaking of the chain of being which in the Elizabethan era was a strict hierarchical structure of life under the control of God. The breaking foreshadows the imminent threat of a loss of authority in society that would ultimately be as a result of Richard’s actions and longing for control. This is a very text focused start to the paragraph - It isn't quite retell, but it is very much focused on what is happening in the text and what it represents. No technique, no analysis - And no connection to the audience. It's not quite what I'm looking for in a Module A essay. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s thirst for power in his use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power and the inherent malicious intent Richard carries. Richard’s desires become more apparent in Act 4 Scene 2 where he states he must “Marry my brother’s daughter” and “Murder her brothers”. Retell - Even linking a technique to this, it is still just saying what happened in the text. You don't need it![/b] Shakespeare’s use of incestous allusion during the Elizabethan Era where such acts were seen as intrinsically evil accentuates the extent to which Richard will proceed to in order to meet his insatiable lust for power. This is the perfect example of analysis that is too text focused - What extent will RICHARD go to. You have to remember that Richard is a puppet - Beyond Richard, what does the audience learn about the lust for power more generally? Furthermore in Richard's soliloquy he reveals his plans to “Set my brother Clarence and the King in deadly hate” which testifies to his manipulative nature. Retell. This combined with the marriage would appear to many as unsuspecting and is merely another facet through which Richard achieves his power further accentuating his deceitful persona and his duplicitous identity as a machiavellian villain. So this paragraph sets up the idea that Richard is a machiavellian villain - For what purpose? How does it fit into your greater idea/plan for the essay?
Conversely, by focusing on specific sections of the film relevant to the themes of power and the machiavellian nature of Richard, Pacino effectively captures the inherent essence of Richard’s actions and the consequences thus converting the Elizabethan theatricality of Shakespeare’s works to a postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama. A little bit of a 'mouthful' - COuld be worth splitting into two sentences. In contemporary society power is more defined as political power and manipulation of the masses alluding to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in the dark costuming and stage lighting assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Remember that commas are a thing - You need quite a few pauses in this sentence to make it more palatable for the reader. Good links to the audience though! Furthermore Pacino reinforces Richard’s duplicitous nature as he fulfills the role of both an actor and director. Retell. In the 20th Century the advent of totalitarianism alludes to the Shakespearean notion of justice and retribution capitalising on how in a ethnocentric society there are no limits to power shown through Richard’s riding crop symbolising his autocratic power and impunity in contrast to the divine retribution in Shakespeareans time. Bit much in that sentence. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s intents and translates them into a salient textual form for the contemporary audience to understand. You've done a better job with analysis here - But make sure that your concepts are clear. Quite a few of the conceptual explanations in this paragraph were a little unclear - Try not to make the reader work to understand your direction. It should just happen!
Throughout King Richard III one cannot help but to muse as to how Richard is so purely evil that he is able to carry out the deeds without conscience or fear of divine retribution. Keep your tone academic. Conscience first appears in Act 1 Scene 4 with the two murderers. Retell. The religious allusions of “stealing, swearing and adultery” signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable and only creates problems shown in “It fills a man of obstacles”. The murderer then goes onto introduce the anecdote “Makes a man a coward” emphasising the importance of one’s reputation in contrast to their moral beliefs. Still tending slightly towards retell. The concept of divine retribution is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “ Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” which suggests there exists a punishment for committing sins. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers shows the complicit nature of Richard being one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. I'm getting quotes and techniques, and even what they represent, but I'm not getting a grander purpose. What exactly is the concept that the audience is learning, what does the audience gain? What values are presented? Regardless of how far one strives to distance themselves from the belief of God, the theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies the omnipotent nature of divine intervention enforced by Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” is inescapable. That sentence doesn't quite make sense. The widespread influence of God is reflected in Richmond’s conscience in the religious allusion “God and good angels fight on Richmond’s side” which reinforces the presence of God in society. Ultimately the theme of conscience is explicitly displayed by exposing the effects of religion on multiple individuals’ actions and their conscience. Interesting ideas here, but a slight tendency towards retell, not enough links to audience.
Similarly Pacino effectively portrays the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions however the theme of divine retribution is parallelled with ethical and moral obligations. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into an ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society rather than God. That's a really interesting concept - I like it. The eloquent words during the interview of the African American on how words have lost their meaning and “If we felt what we said and say less we’d mean more” explores the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of retribution is less prominent as a result of the ineffective legal system. Technique here? Pacino’s choice of clothing the Princes in white symbolises their purity and innocence juxtaposing Tyrel’s clothing which was a darker color accentuating the intrinsic evils within his actions.What does the audience learn as a result? What's the purpose? The appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the notion of one fearing societal judgement as the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates Shakespeare’s notion of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience capitalising on the implicit influence of how one’s conscience is quintessential in shaping one’s relations, desires and decisions. This is probably your most conceptually direct paragraph so far - So props for that. Also a really cool relationship with Shakespeare, but I'd still like you to accentuate more. I'm still looking for more audience impacts too.
Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium whether it’s from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century, both present opportunities and challenges. Keep your tone academic. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.
So I think you've taken a really interesting and unique approach to this essay - Your introduction definitely commands attention and I commend you for going off the beaten track with how you've approached it. You've also done a great job drawing comparison between your texts. That said, I think you've missed on a few other basics. Some pointers:
- This essay was really difficult to read at times. Easiest way to fix - Commas. If you have a sentence that stretches more than a line, chances are it needs a comma. At times I had to stop and read your sentence word by word, grouping the ideas myself to try and interpret your meaning. When you've got a marker doing 30 essays, they won't spend that time. They'll just say you don't make any sense. Be sure to communicate ideas clearly!
- I think your essay lacks a conceptual direction. So you are talking about how Pacino makes the ideas of Shakespeare contemporary - That's awesome. But what ideas? I didn't have that clarity from your intro and that carries through the essay, I'm constantly asking, "Well so what?" Why is this relevant? You need to set up a stronger big concept that you focus on throughout your analysis, and focus on how Pacino brings THAT into the now.
- Watch quality of analysis. I gave you a few indicators - More audience links, watch for retell, ensure everything has a technique.
Hopefully these, plus some of my comments throughout, prove helpful! Feel free to let me know if I can clarify anything for you! ;D
Awesome feedback. Unfortunately it's the day before the exam ( I should of submitted earlier :( ) so I won't be able to perfect it to what I would like.
HOWEVER you have made me understand the true essence of a Mod A study. I understand now I must not purely analyse the text and instead focus more on it's effect on the audience and how it's shown through both texts. It doesn't sound like too much it is genuinely helpful. I'll do my best to fix up what I can, link more conceptual ideas and emphasise the effect on the audience more. Doing it up as I type this.
As always, your feedback is brilliant and I cannot express my gratitude enough :) You do so much to help others on the forum and we all greatly appreciate it.
Regards, Wales
Post by: Neilab on March 27, 2017, 02:20:36 pm
My teacher's criticism was: "what exactly are the key values", "there is alot of love but what about other values like honesty and loyalty" and "This is a solid effort with a detailed discussion of the texts. While you seem to have a sense of the significance of the texts you discussion lacks a depth of analysis of both the concepts and techniques. You need to delve deeper into the philosophical signifcance of the context, in specific detail rahter than just stating there is contextual significance"
This was the essay question we answered, but i tried to make it broader so I could use it in my assessment (I usually memorise)
Couldd you please let me know how I can address what my teachers wants? i am reallly confused at the moment :(
Note - there is no conclusion as I usually just whip that up in the exam and it works (I usually get about 95%+ in my english exams)
Spoiler
An exploration of intertextual perspectives reveals the relationship between context and key values.
The universal concept of love is the central motif for a colossal number of texts, each serving as either a reflection or subversion of the writer’s perception of their society’s contextual values. Composed during the Victorian era, Elizabeth Barret-Browning's (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese encapsulate the notion of authentic love, through the expression of a female subverting her traditional social paradigms in the Victorian Era. Conversely, the context of Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby in “The Jazz Age” was framed as an era of erratic, reckless societal behaviour, underpinned by an absence of ethics and values driven by the hollowed American-dream. Despite prevailing perspectives, both texts serve as a vessel for the exploration of intertextual perspectives, revealing the relationship between key values through a unique contextual lens.
EBB’s, Sonnets from the Portuguese depicts a unique exploration of idealised love, in cogitation of the patriarchal Victorian era. Through the voice of a female persona, Browning utilises the Petrarchan form of sonnet, conventionally adopted by males, to portray an assertive and confidant expression denoted by a Victorian woman. Browning’s subversion of traditional gender roles associated with ‘courtly love’ reaffirms the empowerment established within the female persona. Browning’s use of imperative language, “I stand unwon, however wooed”, undermines the customary wooing of the passive female, revealing a strong emphasis on the individual. The persona sets limitations for a love that is pragmatic as she states "I love thee to the depth & breadth & height...” highlighting how perfect love is attainable as long as it manifests within a genuine atmosphere. Browning utilises metaphor, reasserting the self-assurance of the female persona in the relationship to portray a sense of certainty. EBB’s voice is empowered, assertive, and self-assured as she subverts literary expectations by feminising the Petrarchan form. This is epitomised through the juxtaposition of her meek tone in Sonnet 1 with “declarations of love” to Sonnet 21 where she requests, "Beloved, say over again, and yet again”. EBB’s use of exclamation, “beloved!”, and seasonable references to “Spring in all her green, completed!", symbolise the restoration of passionate love and hope. In this way, EBB’s sonnets are reflective of the optimism inflicted onto pragmatic forms of love in the Victorian society. However, they are also an amalgamation of the revolutionary concept of love, depicting the significance of tradition and gender in this social context.
Due to contextual impacts, love in The Great Gatsby is not only transitory but also commodified. The widely liberalised twenties show a lack of spirituality, highlighting the ramifications of materialism as a barrier to idealised love. Unlike Sonnets from the Portuguese, The ‘Jazz Age’ undermines the highly emotional relationship between Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan in 1920’s America, tarnished by the materialistic and superficial values born from this time period. Constricting ideas of courtly love in the 19th century meant that, Gatsby’s dream of acquiring an authentic and spiritual connection was unattainable, as the ’prize’ of his American Dream, Daisy, was tainted with the superficiality and material wealth of the elite class. Fitzgerald highlights the ramifications of inauthenticity and materialism through the characterisation of Gatsby as a commodified entity who lacks moral existence. Articulated through Nick’s narration, ”It was full of money that was the inexhaustible charm”, he displays the alluring nature of Daisy in her ability to epitomise Gatsby’s dream - juxtaposed to the underlying corruption of her existence that poisons any hope of a pure, optimistic love. The motif of the green light personifies Gatsby’s immaculate love for Daisy, and symbolises physically, the “colossal vitality” of his ideals and ambitions. The colour imagery of the green light alludes to the physical colour of money, highlighting the spiritual connection Jay Gatsby places on “the American Dream”, that comprises of material wealth and gain. The cumulative listing and alliteration used in Nick’s narration, “stripes and scrolls and plaids of apple green, lavender and orange shirts”, crystallize the concept of superficiality and materialism that manifests even within the natural world through Fitzgerald’s references to “apple”, “lavender” and “orange”. The elusive nature of true love is painted within The Great Gatsby to depict 1920’s America as a society placing a greater importance on trivial matters such as wealth and status. This notion is juxtaposed to EBB’s sonnets, placing greater importance on a love that is transcendent and immortal. In this way, the two texts serve as an antithesis to each other, through the exploration of individualist ideals and contrasting contextual values.
Both texts examine the role of spirituality in forming relationships during their respective time periods. Within EBB’s sonnets, death is seen as no barrier in a context where passion and emotion transcends the physical world and exists even after death. In contrast, Fitzgerald’s perspective conveys a love that is pragmatic through a materialistic sphere, where all feeling and sentimentality is eradicated by death. In Sonnet 13, EBB’s utilisation of aural imagery, “silence”, intends to craft a bond that refrains from “reiterating love”, but rather a silent appeal of emotions that transcends beyond the mortal world to allow “the silence of my womanhood“. The use of enjambment and punctuation emphasises the perspective of a ‘silent’ love that endures and withstands affectation. Barrett Browning defines a love that “shall but love… better after death”, representing a religious perspective of spiritualty and human connection, destabilising connections that exist due to material pleasure that are evident within the Jazz age. As a result of the strong value placed on faith during the Victorian era, the relationship between the female persona and her beloved is heavily influenced by a sense of spirituality. Specifically, the persona concerns herself with the balance between, ideal love in a heaven-like atmosphere and physical, sensuous love attainable on Earth. As the persona faces this dilemma in Sonnet 22, ”...until their lengthening wings break into fire,” EBB utilises an allusion to Icarus, who flew dangerously close to the sun as it deteriorated and melted his wings. EBB’s use of allusion conveys the ramifications of an excessively spiritually perfect love, resulting in affectations. Rather than the dominance of spiritual ideals, the morality that constitutes idealised love is indicative of a connection that transcends time and mortality. EBB’s use of dark imagery in Sonnet 22, ”A place to stand and love in...with darkness and the death-hour rounding it,” epitomises the result of this balance and the presence of Victorian religious foundations. In this way, EBB’s anthology demonstrates society’s embracement of spirituality to assist in the possession of an authentic form of love, juxtaposed to 1920’s America, suffering from moral and spiritual deterioration.
The Great Gatsby portrays the significance of the relationship between spirituality and idealised love through Fitzgerald’s condemnation of the complete lack of faith in religious and moral beliefs within the society of the ’Jazz Age.’ The emphasis placed on consumerism and materialism in 1920s America overrides the importance of religion and integrity, as depicted by Browning’s poetry. The result of this abandonment is embodied by the deserted wasteland ‘the Valley of Ashes’, connotative to T.S. Elliot’s ‘The Wasteland’, an extended metaphor of the state of the working classes, highlighting the devastation caused by a human race lacking in substance and meaning who have fallen into a state of spiritual decay. The ’Valley of Ashes’ comes as a result of damage and neglect brought about by the elite class, articulated by Nick’s judgement, ”...Tom and Daisy they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money...and let other people clean up the mess." Whilst the love depicted in EBB’s sonnets transcend death and mortality through spiritual entities, Gatsby’s love cannot possess authentic strength as result of the materialism and superficiality that restricts and replaces his emotional fulfilment. Furthermore, the all-seeing eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg, “brood on over the solemn dumping ground,” rises above the ashes to personify the presence of a god-like entity in society, representing consumerism and greed to symbolise the decadent creed that has overrun any sense of spirituality. The use of hyperbolic language in, “The eyes... are blue and gigantic, their retinas are one yard high," powerfully portrays the distortion of spirituality in American society. Ironically, the eyes are the remains of an advertisement for an oculist, which typifies the consumerist nature of the 1920's. The ’bygone’ nature of religious faith, alluded through vivid imagery, provides a motive for the actions of the elite class, as they are guided by a lack of spirituality. In this way, Fitzgerald questions whether genuine love is possible when spiritual values are absent in a society dominated by greed, privilege and rampant consumerism. The transient nature of love comes as a result of the blatant disregard for religious values. Juxtaposed against the Victorian suppression of passion, the widely liberalized and sexually expressive twenties are conveyed by Fitzgerald to be detrimental to the development of love.
The universal concept of love is the central motif for a colossal number of texts, each serving as either a reflection or subversion of the writer’s perception of their society’s contextual values. Composed during the Victorian era, Elizabeth Barret-Browning's (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese encapsulate the notion of authentic love, through the expression of a female subverting her traditional social paradigms in the Victorian Era. Conversely, the context of Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby in “The Jazz Age” was framed as an era of erratic, reckless societal behaviour, underpinned by an absence of ethics and values driven by the hollowed American-dream. Despite prevailing perspectives, both texts serve as a vessel for the exploration of intertextual perspectives, revealing the relationship between key values through a unique contextual lens.
EBB’s, Sonnets from the Portuguese depicts a unique exploration of idealised love, in cogitation of the patriarchal Victorian era. Through the voice of a female persona, Browning utilises the Petrarchan form of sonnet, conventionally adopted by males, to portray an assertive and confidant expression denoted by a Victorian woman. Browning’s subversion of traditional gender roles associated with ‘courtly love’ reaffirms the empowerment established within the female persona. Browning’s use of imperative language, “I stand unwon, however wooed”, undermines the customary wooing of the passive female, revealing a strong emphasis on the individual. The persona sets limitations for a love that is pragmatic as she states "I love thee to the depth & breadth & height...” highlighting how perfect love is attainable as long as it manifests within a genuine atmosphere. Browning utilises metaphor, reasserting the self-assurance of the female persona in the relationship to portray a sense of certainty. EBB’s voice is empowered, assertive, and self-assured as she subverts literary expectations by feminising the Petrarchan form. This is epitomised through the juxtaposition of her meek tone in Sonnet 1 with “declarations of love” to Sonnet 21 where she requests, "Beloved, say over again, and yet again”. EBB’s use of exclamation, “beloved!”, and seasonable references to “Spring in all her green, completed!", symbolise the restoration of passionate love and hope. In this way, EBB’s sonnets are reflective of the optimism inflicted onto pragmatic forms of love in the Victorian society. However, they are also an amalgamation of the revolutionary concept of love, depicting the significance of tradition and gender in this social context.
Due to contextual impacts, love in The Great Gatsby is not only transitory but also commodified. The widely liberalised twenties show a lack of spirituality, highlighting the ramifications of materialism as a barrier to idealised love. Unlike Sonnets from the Portuguese, The ‘Jazz Age’ undermines the highly emotional relationship between Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan in 1920’s America, tarnished by the materialistic and superficial values born from this time period. Constricting ideas of courtly love in the 19th century meant that, Gatsby’s dream of acquiring an authentic and spiritual connection was unattainable, as the ’prize’ of his American Dream, Daisy, was tainted with the superficiality and material wealth of the elite class. Fitzgerald highlights the ramifications of inauthenticity and materialism through the characterisation of Gatsby as a commodified entity who lacks moral existence. Articulated through Nick’s narration, ”It was full of money that was the inexhaustible charm”, he displays the alluring nature of Daisy in her ability to epitomise Gatsby’s dream - juxtaposed to the underlying corruption of her existence that poisons any hope of a pure, optimistic love. The motif of the green light personifies Gatsby’s immaculate love for Daisy, and symbolises physically, the “colossal vitality” of his ideals and ambitions. The colour imagery of the green light alludes to the physical colour of money, highlighting the spiritual connection Jay Gatsby places on “the American Dream”, that comprises of material wealth and gain. The cumulative listing and alliteration used in Nick’s narration, “stripes and scrolls and plaids of apple green, lavender and orange shirts”, crystallize the concept of superficiality and materialism that manifests even within the natural world through Fitzgerald’s references to “apple”, “lavender” and “orange”. The elusive nature of true love is painted within The Great Gatsby to depict 1920’s America as a society placing a greater importance on trivial matters such as wealth and status. This notion is juxtaposed to EBB’s sonnets, placing greater importance on a love that is transcendent and immortal. In this way, the two texts serve as an antithesis to each other, through the exploration of individualist ideals and contrasting contextual values.
Both texts examine the role of spirituality in forming relationships during their respective time periods. Within EBB’s sonnets, death is seen as no barrier in a context where passion and emotion transcends the physical world and exists even after death. In contrast, Fitzgerald’s perspective conveys a love that is pragmatic through a materialistic sphere, where all feeling and sentimentality is eradicated by death. In Sonnet 13, EBB’s utilisation of aural imagery, “silence”, intends to craft a bond that refrains from “reiterating love”, but rather a silent appeal of emotions that transcends beyond the mortal world to allow “the silence of my womanhood“. The use of enjambment and punctuation emphasises the perspective of a ‘silent’ love that endures and withstands affectation. Barrett Browning defines a love that “shall but love… better after death”, representing a religious perspective of spiritualty and human connection, destabilising connections that exist due to material pleasure that are evident within the Jazz age. As a result of the strong value placed on faith during the Victorian era, the relationship between the female persona and her beloved is heavily influenced by a sense of spirituality. Specifically, the persona concerns herself with the balance between, ideal love in a heaven-like atmosphere and physical, sensuous love attainable on Earth. As the persona faces this dilemma in Sonnet 22, ”...until their lengthening wings break into fire,” EBB utilises an allusion to Icarus, who flew dangerously close to the sun as it deteriorated and melted his wings. EBB’s use of allusion conveys the ramifications of an excessively spiritually perfect love, resulting in affectations. Rather than the dominance of spiritual ideals, the morality that constitutes idealised love is indicative of a connection that transcends time and mortality. EBB’s use of dark imagery in Sonnet 22, ”A place to stand and love in...with darkness and the death-hour rounding it,” epitomises the result of this balance and the presence of Victorian religious foundations. In this way, EBB’s anthology demonstrates society’s embracement of spirituality to assist in the possession of an authentic form of love, juxtaposed to 1920’s America, suffering from moral and spiritual deterioration.
The Great Gatsby portrays the significance of the relationship between spirituality and idealised love through Fitzgerald’s condemnation of the complete lack of faith in religious and moral beliefs within the society of the ’Jazz Age.’ The emphasis placed on consumerism and materialism in 1920s America overrides the importance of religion and integrity, as depicted by Browning’s poetry. The result of this abandonment is embodied by the deserted wasteland ‘the Valley of Ashes’, connotative to T.S. Elliot’s ‘The Wasteland’, an extended metaphor of the state of the working classes, highlighting the devastation caused by a human race lacking in substance and meaning who have fallen into a state of spiritual decay. The ’Valley of Ashes’ comes as a result of damage and neglect brought about by the elite class, articulated by Nick’s judgement, ”...Tom and Daisy they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money...and let other people clean up the mess." Whilst the love depicted in EBB’s sonnets transcend death and mortality through spiritual entities, Gatsby’s love cannot possess authentic strength as result of the materialism and superficiality that restricts and replaces his emotional fulfilment. Furthermore, the all-seeing eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg, “brood on over the solemn dumping ground,” rises above the ashes to personify the presence of a god-like entity in society, representing consumerism and greed to symbolise the decadent creed that has overrun any sense of spirituality. The use of hyperbolic language in, “The eyes... are blue and gigantic, their retinas are one yard high," powerfully portrays the distortion of spirituality in American society. Ironically, the eyes are the remains of an advertisement for an oculist, which typifies the consumerist nature of the 1920's. The ’bygone’ nature of religious faith, alluded through vivid imagery, provides a motive for the actions of the elite class, as they are guided by a lack of spirituality. In this way, Fitzgerald questions whether genuine love is possible when spiritual values are absent in a society dominated by greed, privilege and rampant consumerism. The transient nature of love comes as a result of the blatant disregard for religious values. Juxtaposed against the Victorian suppression of passion, the widely liberalized and sexually expressive twenties are conveyed by Fitzgerald to be detrimental to the development of love.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Post by: QC on March 27, 2017, 07:22:37 pm
Here is my mod A Essay (1984/Metro). I think the third and fourth paragraphs aren't as good as the first two so advice would be great on how to make the essay better.
Thanks in Advance
Spoiler
After comparing Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four, what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspectives relating to authority and revolution?
The intertextual perspectives found in Metropolis (1927) and Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949) differ as they show that the outcomes of revolution are based solely on the power of the authority existing in a society. Lang’s film, Metropolis, looks at a partially successful revolution as he shows that a capitalist authority does not have permanent control on its people. By contrast, Orwell’s novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, looks at a far bleaker outlook on the power of authority as he explores how a totalitarian state is able to have full control over its people and prevent rebellion. The nature of the power of a state, whether with complete authority or one that is susceptible to rebellion, is defined by a state’s ability to segregate the classes of its society and to restrict the foundation relationships and bonds.
Fritz Lang’s film, Metropolis, explores a capitalist society where there is a break down in class segregation as a result of the formation of a mediator which leads to a more egalitarian society. In the opening scene, contrast is used to establish the difference in lifestyle between the rich upper-class and the proletariat as Freder is seen frolicking around in white clothing while the slaves’ children, wearing black rags are sent underground. Lang also uses the biblical reference of Moloch, the Canaanite god associated with sacrifice as Freder imagines hundreds of workers forced into Moloch’s mouth which further illustrates the abuse of power excised by the authority on the lower class, similar to the fear growing within Weimar Germany as the workers believed the abuse of power was an inevitable result of growing capitalism and industrialisation. The break in class segregation is shown through the angelic character, Maria, who initiates the removal of this barrier through the biblical reference of the Tower of Babel “But the hands that build the Tower of Babel knew nothing of their dream.” Lang shows that through the removal of a class barrier, the worker’s uprising can occur but backlash from the bureaucracy can still influence the effectiveness of this rebellion. The film ends as Freder is shown as the symbol of the mediator which indicates the breaking of the class separation and the end of the tyrannic abuse of authority “The mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.” The conclusion that is drawn from Lang’s Metropolis is that the removal of class segregation topples and authority and provokes rebellion.
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a different representation of authority as he suggests that a totalitarian government with three classes, similar to the status quo in the Western World which provides verisimilitude, is not subject to rebellion. The people of Oceania are split into three parties, the inner party, the outer party and the proles. Big Brother segregates the classes as the common man represented by Winston is forced to keep his rebellious thoughts to himself. This is seen in the Two Minute Hate, the parties only opportunity for the classes to be together, to love Big Brother, where Winston sees an inner party member, O’Brien, and due to his lack of hope, assumed he was with the rebellion. “Winston knew-yes, he knew! – that O’Brien was thinking the same thig as himself.” Repetition is used to show how Winston’s segregation left him with no-one to turn to and as a result, just hopes O’Brien has the answer. The proles are also used by Orwell with resemblance to the uneducated masses that blindly followed the orders of Stalin and Hitler, only requiring propaganda to keep them in line. It’s for this reason that Winston believes there is hope for rebellion there with the irony “If there was hope, it must lie in the proles, because only there, in those swarming disregarded masses… could the force to destroy the party be generated.” The continuation of this class segregation is explored through Winston’s view on the inner party that the authority has intentionally drilled into his head “Below the inner party comes the outer party which if the inner party if the inner is described as the brains of the state, may justly be likened to the hands.” The simile used also provides contrast to Metropolis as it shows the middle class in a totalitarian system being abused like the lower class in a capitalist system, giving an indication as to Orwell’s view of the world’s outlook after WWII. Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four shows how segregation of classes leads to the inability for rebellion.
Metropolis shows that relationships can allow for the formation of rebellion. In the film, Maria is shows as a catalyst for Freder to change which is seen through the change in pace of the music that occurs when she enters the scene as peace is restored. The nature of authority is shown as Fredersen abuses the relationship between Maria and the workers as he creates “Maschinenmensch” or Machine Maria who attempts to exploit the workers by using her sexual attraction to incite violence in the workers. This highlights the misogyny at the time as even holy women like Maria were simply seen as sexual figures by men. The Yoshiwara nightclub scene shows Machine Maria as the symbol of the Whore of Babylon indicating the breaking of the bond between Freder and Maria. Lang however shows that when human relationships are able to grow, they can overcome exploitation that is used by Fredersen “It was Fredersen’s son that saved your children.” Maria is able to successfully make Freder realise that an egalitarian society is far better than one where many are exploited for a few. Lang shows that relationships that are not completely dissolved can lead to rebellion.
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four by contrast shows an authoritarian state that manipulates and crushes the relationship between two people and as a result, no rebellion can occur. The primary relationship that Winston has is with Julia as although he is initially conditioned to believe that she is a spy “Winston had disliked her from the very first moment of seeing her”, but she eventually acts a beacon from which Winston performs rebellious acts against the state “All this marching up and down and cheering and waving flags is simply sex gone sour. If you're happy inside yourself, why should you get excited about Big Brother and the Three-Year Plans and the Two Minutes Hate and all the rest of their bloody rot?" High modality is used to show the significance of Winston’s relationship in his ability to rebel against the party as sex and love for another replaces one’s love for Big Brother. Orwell’s perspective on authority is however shown through as it destroys the relationship and any future hope for rebellion through the use of the introduction of a new language Newspeak which distorts meaning. When emotions can only be expressed with words like “plusgood” and “ungood” all meaning and complexity is lost. The final representation of this is shown in room 101 where Winston gives up his relationship with Julia “Do it to Julia! Do it to Julia! Not me! Julia! I don’t care what you do to her. Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. Not me! Julia! Not me!” Anaphora is used to indicate the eradication of rebellion against the state and authority being reinstated with full control in society. Orwell explores the idea that an authority can supress any rebellion if all relationships between people are destroyed.
After comparing 1984 and Metropolis, I have drawn the conclusion that although a single authoritative entity can have a large impact on its people, it is once this authority destroys relationships and segregates classes of people that rebellion is supressed.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 27, 2017, 09:41:54 pm
This was the essay question we answered, but i tried to make it broader so I could use it in my assessment (I usually memorise)
Couldd you please let me know how I can address what my teachers wants? i am reallly confused at the moment :(
Note - there is no conclusion as I usually just whip that up in the exam and it works (I usually get about 95%+ in my english exams)
Hey Neila! My spreadsheet tells me you need to reach 45 posts on the site to qualify for your next bit of feedback! ;D
Hi,
Here is my mod A Essay (1984/Metro). I think the third and fourth paragraphs aren't as good as the first two so advice would be great on how to make the essay better.
Thanks in Advance
We'll get you some feedback very soon my friend! :)
Post by: QC on March 28, 2017, 10:32:56 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 29, 2017, 02:44:25 am
Hi,
Here is my mod A Essay (1984/Metro). I think the third and fourth paragraphs aren't as good as the first two so advice would be great on how to make the essay better.
Thanks in Advance
Essay is attached with feedback in bold!
Spoiler
After comparing Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four, what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspectives relating to authority and revolution?
The intertextual perspectives found in Metropolis (1927) and Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949) differ as they show that the outcomes of revolution are based solely on the power of the authority existing in a society. Which states which perspective? A little unclear at this point - I know you elaborate later but it starts a little confusingly. Lang’s film, Metropolis, looks at a partially successful revolution as he shows that a capitalist authority does not have permanent control on its people. By contrast, Orwell’s novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, looks at a far bleaker outlook on the power of authority as he explores how a totalitarian state is able to have full control over its people and prevent rebellion. Nice textual introductions. The nature of the power of a state, whether with complete authority or one that is susceptible to rebellion, is defined by a state’s ability to segregate the classes of its society and to restrict the foundation relationships and bonds. These ideas down here and new, you should be a little clearer in the way you define them. Overall, a good introduction, but I'm not getting much on the intertextual perspectives and what they show us, nor am I getting much on context! Both would be good improvements.
Fritz Lang’s film, Metropolis, explores a capitalist society where there is a break down in class segregation as a result of the formation of a mediator which leads to a more egalitarian society. In the opening scene, contrast is used to establish the difference in lifestyle between the rich upper-class and the proletariat as Freder is seen frolicking around in white clothing while the slaves’ children, wearing black rags are sent underground. Try not to use plot retell as analysis - Use more abstract phrasing. "Juxtaposition between the wealthy and poor is achieved through black and white costuming, as the audience is shown ________." Lang also uses the biblical reference of Moloch, the Canaanite god associated with sacrifice as Freder imagines hundreds of workers forced into Moloch’s mouth which further illustrates the abuse of power excised by the authority on the lower class, similar to the fear growing within Weimar Germany as the workers believed the abuse of power was an inevitable result of growing capitalism and industrialisation. Good contextual link, but you need to make sure you are clear that you are referring to an aspect of Lang's context. Just to improve clarity. The break in class segregation is shown through the angelic character, Maria, who initiates the removal of this barrier through the biblical reference of the Tower of Babel “But the hands that build the Tower of Babel knew nothing of their dream.” Again, don't use retell - Just say "use of Biblical allusion" - The details of how that appears on screen are irrelevant. Lang shows that through the removal of a class barrier, the worker’s uprising can occur but backlash from the bureaucracy can still influence the effectiveness of this rebellion. The film ends as Freder is shown as the symbol of the mediator which indicates the breaking of the class separation and the end of the tyrannic abuse of authority “The mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.” The conclusion that is drawn from Lang’s Metropolis is that the removal of class segregation topples and authority and provokes rebellion. Little wording issue in this sentence? Good paragraph, but be careful - A lot of your analysis was heavily retell. Focus on TECHNIQUES, don't rely on things happening in the film itself for that analysis.
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a different representation of authority as he suggests that a totalitarian government with three classes, similar to the status quo in the Western World which provides verisimilitude, is not subject to rebellion. Good opener - Nice link to previous text.The people of Oceania are split into three parties, the inner party, the outer party and the proles. Retell. Big Brother segregates the classes as the common man represented by Winston is forced to keep his rebellious thoughts to himself. Retell. This is seen in the Two Minute Hate, the parties only opportunity for the classes to be together, to love Big Brother, where Winston sees an inner party member, O’Brien, and due to his lack of hope, assumed he was with the rebellion. Retell - Be careful, you are just giving me a recount at this point! “Winston knew-yes, he knew! – that O’Brien was thinking the same thig as himself.” Repetition is used to show how Winston’s segregation left him with no-one to turn to and as a result, just hopes O’Brien has the answer. Do you mean repetition of the word 'knew' in that paragraph? How does that have this segregative effect? Doesn't quite match to my perspective. The proles are also used by Orwell with resemblance to the uneducated masses that blindly followed the orders of Stalin and Hitler, only requiring propaganda to keep them in line. It’s for this reason that Winston believes there is hope for rebellion there with the irony “If there was hope, it must lie in the proles, because only there, in those swarming disregarded masses… could the force to destroy the party be generated.” Good use of technique there - But still just being used to explore the text. What am I shown? Why should I, the marker, care about these issues beyond just learning thoughts about the chracters? The continuation of this class segregation is explored through Winston’s view on the inner party that the authority has intentionally drilled into his head “Below the inner party comes the outer party which if the inner party if the inner is described as the brains of the state, may justly be likened to the hands.” The simile used also provides contrast to Metropolis as it shows the middle class in a totalitarian system being abused like the lower class in a capitalist system, giving an indication as to Orwell’s view of the world’s outlook after WWII. Try not to settle into the pattern of providing the technique in a separate sentence to the quote. It becomes .a little laborious if you do that frequently. Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four shows how segregation of classes leads to the inability for rebellion. Good concepts hidden in here, but on the whole the analysis needs to be more conceptual!
Metropolis shows that relationships can allow for the formation of rebellion. A little simplistic as a concept. In the film, Maria is shows as a catalyst for Freder to change which is seen through the change in pace of the music that occurs when she enters the scene as peace is restored. What does the change in music achieve in terms of your concept? That's a little unclear. The nature of authority is shown as Fredersen abuses the relationship between Maria and the workers as he creates “Maschinenmensch” or Machine Maria who attempts to exploit the workers by using her sexual attraction to incite violence in the workers. Retell. This highlights the misogyny at the time as even holy women like Maria were simply seen as sexual figures by men. Nice contextual link. The Yoshiwara nightclub scene shows Machine Maria as the symbol of the Whore of Babylon indicating the breaking of the bond between Freder and Maria. Lang however shows that when human relationships are able to grow, they can overcome exploitation that is used by Fredersen “It was Fredersen’s son that saved your children.” Technique? Maria is able to successfully make Freder realise that an egalitarian society is far better than one where many are exploited for a few. Lang shows that relationships that are not completely dissolved can lead to rebellion. Definitely a more simplistic concept - Not necessarily a bad thing. Your analysis is still what I'd be fixing first.
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four by contrast shows an authoritarian state that manipulates and crushes the relationship between two people and as a result, no rebellion can occur. The primary relationship that Winston has is with Julia as although he is initially conditioned to believe that she is a spy “Winston had disliked her from the very first moment of seeing her”, but she eventually acts a beacon from which Winston performs rebellious acts against the state “All this marching up and down and cheering and waving flags is simply sex gone sour. If you're happy inside yourself, why should you get excited about Big Brother and the Three-Year Plans and the Two Minutes Hate and all the rest of their bloody rot?" Retell - Also try and limit your quote size, more for your convenience than anything else! High modality is used to show the significance of Winston’s relationship in his ability to rebel against the party as sex and love for another replaces one’s love for Big Brother. What does it show about the idea MORE GENERALLY though? Like, not just the characters, about the concept in general? Orwell’s perspective on authority is however shown through as it destroys the relationship and any future hope for rebellion through the use of the introduction of a new language Newspeak which distorts meaning. When emotions can only be expressed with words like “plusgood” and “ungood” all meaning and complexity is lost. The final representation of this is shown in room 101 where Winston gives up his relationship with Julia “Do it to Julia! Do it to Julia! Not me! Julia! I don’t care what you do to her. Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. Not me! Julia! Not me!” Again watch quote length. Anaphora is used to indicate the eradication of rebellion against the state and authority being reinstated with full control in society. Orwell explores the idea that an authority can supress any rebellion if all relationships between people are destroyed. Some more sophisticated concepts here, nice!
After comparing 1984 and Metropolis, I have drawn the conclusion that although a single authoritative entity can have a large impact on its people, it is once this authority destroys relationships and segregates classes of people that rebellion is supressed. Don't use "I" in an essay - Even though it is asking for your view it is still a piece of academic writing.
On the whole your essay is good! I do notice inconsistency of quality, particularly in the third paragraph, primarily due to the simplicity of your concept. Try adding some depth to your argument to increase sophistication. The big thing for you right now is analysis - Avoiding retell, having techniques with every quote, but crucially, what is the effect of the technique? Don't just explain what we see in the characters or learn about the plot, what new understandings do we gain on the perspectives of these texts on authority? The lessons I learn go beyond the characters - A more abstract approach is what you need! :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 01, 2017, 10:43:17 am
Spoiler
I
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 03, 2017, 04:05:15 am
Hi I was wondering if I could get some feedback on this response please :)
Hey anotherworld :)
Spoiler
The documentary ‘The Ugly Truth About Beauty’ by Barcroft TV utilises generic conventions of a typical documentary to highlight the prominence of the desire to alter one’s appearance in a particular way to conform to Western beauty standards. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the frequent advertisement of plastic surgery to be the preferred way to be accepted by others of achieving acceptance by others in society through the effective use of the generic conventions of a documentary that include using a on screen presenter and footage of actual cosmetic procedures.
Following the on screen presenter Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey; an array of cosmetic procedures are explored ranging from botox to laser treatment. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the pursuit of beauty as one that is founded on society's conditioning on what it means to be beautiful. Nice! Typically, in modern society beauty in the Western world is associated with possessing particular characteristics such as: a finely shaped nose, plump lips, large eyes, large bust, large bum as well as array I wouldn't use array because you used it at the start of this paragraph. of other conventional standards. However, in reality humans are not born with the same attributes; people may be short, fat and an array of other things that do not fit conventional beauty standards but we are still human. Drawn from this fact it is known that only a small proportion of the population are born fulfilling conventional standards. Furthermore, despite this fact ‘ugly’ people will continue their pursuit of beauty by commonly going to extreme lengths to be ‘beautiful’. Just the thought of enduring numerous cosmetic procedures with no guarantee of success and the possibility of disfiguration in cases of complications brings about about paranoia and fear. Hence, through Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey I have been impacted me to feel alarmed and disturbed by the permeating influence of societal conditioning in regards to beauty.
The use of the generic convention of footage showing actual cosmetic procedures has impacted me to feel surprised and astonished by the documentary exploring the price, risk and pain involved behind particular procedures.Typically, in advertisements for cosmetic procedures and surgeries ‘before and after’ images are frequently used to promote a procedure. However, the duration just after the procedure and potential risks are rarely portrayed in advertisements. The astonishing realisation that cosmetic procedures and surgeries are actually more painful, costly and risky than first perceived evokes a sense of mortification in me. Furthermore, the use of footage showing laser treatment for eyebags on Kate Spicer and the careful deliberation leading to it further reinforces the realisation that there is considerably more work that goes into getting cosmetic surgeries than I first thought. Hence, the use of footage of actual cosmetic surgeries has moved me to feel surprised and astonished by how little information I actually know what happens behind the scenes of actually getting cosmetic procedures.
Following the on screen presenter Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey; an array of cosmetic procedures are explored ranging from botox to laser treatment. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the pursuit of beauty as one that is founded on society's conditioning on what it means to be beautiful. Nice! Typically, in modern society beauty in the Western world is associated with possessing particular characteristics such as: a finely shaped nose, plump lips, large eyes, large bust, large bum as well as array I wouldn't use array because you used it at the start of this paragraph. of other conventional standards. However, in reality humans are not born with the same attributes; people may be short, fat and an array of other things that do not fit conventional beauty standards but we are still human. Drawn from this fact it is known that only a small proportion of the population are born fulfilling conventional standards. Furthermore, despite this fact ‘ugly’ people will continue their pursuit of beauty by commonly going to extreme lengths to be ‘beautiful’. Just the thought of enduring numerous cosmetic procedures with no guarantee of success and the possibility of disfiguration in cases of complications brings about about paranoia and fear. Hence, through Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey I have been impacted me to feel alarmed and disturbed by the permeating influence of societal conditioning in regards to beauty.
The use of the generic convention of footage showing actual cosmetic procedures has impacted me to feel surprised and astonished by the documentary exploring the price, risk and pain involved behind particular procedures.Typically, in advertisements for cosmetic procedures and surgeries ‘before and after’ images are frequently used to promote a procedure. However, the duration just after the procedure and potential risks are rarely portrayed in advertisements. The astonishing realisation that cosmetic procedures and surgeries are actually more painful, costly and risky than first perceived evokes a sense of mortification in me. Furthermore, the use of footage showing laser treatment for eyebags on Kate Spicer and the careful deliberation leading to it further reinforces the realisation that there is considerably more work that goes into getting cosmetic surgeries than I first thought. Hence, the use of footage of actual cosmetic surgeries has moved me to feel surprised and astonished by how little information I actually know what happens behind the scenes of actually getting cosmetic procedures.
This is one of the best pieces you've written anotherworld! I can hardly fault the content of your work. I wonder if the best way to improve is to talk about the way various techniques work together rather in isolation - or is that not expected of a typical WA response like this? Right now, this stands as a wonderful piece!
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 03, 2017, 08:52:38 am
Hey anotherworld :)SpoilerThe documentary ‘The Ugly Truth About Beauty’ by Barcroft TV utilises generic conventions of a typical documentary to highlight the prominence of the desire to alter one’s appearance in a particular way to conform to Western beauty standards. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the frequent advertisement of plastic surgery to be the preferred wayto be accepted by othersof achieving acceptance by others in society through the effective use of the generic conventions of a documentary that include using a on screen presenter and footage of actual cosmetic procedures.
Following the on screen presenter Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey; an array of cosmetic procedures are explored ranging from botox to laser treatment. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the pursuit of beauty as one that is founded on society's conditioning on what it means to be beautiful. Nice! Typically, in modern society beauty in the Western world is associated with possessing particular characteristics such as: a finely shaped nose, plump lips, large eyes, large bust, large bum as well as array I wouldn't use array because you used it at the start of this paragraph. of other conventional standards. However, in reality humans are not born with the same attributes; people may be short, fat and an array of other things that do not fit conventional beauty standards but we are still human. Drawn from this fact it is known that only a small proportion of the population are born fulfilling conventional standards. Furthermore, despite this fact ‘ugly’ people will continue their pursuit of beauty by commonly going to extreme lengths to be ‘beautiful’. Just the thought of enduring numerous cosmetic procedures with no guarantee of success and the possibility of disfiguration in cases of complications brings about about paranoia and fear. Hence, through Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey I have been impacted me to feel alarmed and disturbed by the permeating influence of societal conditioning in regards to beauty.
The use of the generic convention of footage showing actual cosmetic procedures has impacted me to feel surprised and astonished by the documentary exploring the price, risk and pain involved behind particular procedures.Typically, in advertisements for cosmetic procedures and surgeries ‘before and after’ images are frequently used to promote a procedure. However, the duration just after the procedure and potential risks are rarely portrayed in advertisements. The astonishing realisation that cosmetic procedures and surgeries are actually more painful, costly and risky than first perceived evokes a sense of mortification in me. Furthermore, the use of footage showing laser treatment for eyebags on Kate Spicer and the careful deliberation leading to it further reinforces the realisation that there is considerably more work that goes into getting cosmetic surgeries than I first thought. Hence, the use of footage of actual cosmetic surgeries has moved me to feel surprised and astonished by how little information I actually know what happens behind the scenes of actually getting cosmetic procedures.
This is one of the best pieces you've written anotherworld! I can hardly fault the content of your work. I wonder if the best way to improve is to talk about the way various techniques work together rather in isolation - or is that not expected of a typical WA response like this? Right now, this stands as a wonderful piece!
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 03, 2017, 09:04:35 am
I was quite confused whether or not I was wondering the question properly
Spoiler
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 04, 2017, 08:10:37 am
Hi was wondering if I could have some feedback on this response please :D
I was quite confused whether or not I was wondering the question properly
Ciao anotherworld! How are you going with these responses? How is your teacher responding to them? I'd love to know if we're putting you on the right track :)
Spoiler
Responses to the documentary ‘The Ugly Truth About Beauty’ by Barcroft TV can be shaped in numerous ways depending on the viewer’s cultural context. To people living in war-torn third world countries, tormented by poverty and suffering they may be unable to understand the unhealthy obsession with ‘beauty’ explored by this documentary and respond with confusion. To others, such viewers in living prosperous and peaceful first world countries, the prominence of the increasing issue of obsession with ‘beauty’ is often understood and acknowledge instantly by the public with clarity. Therefore, different responses are shaped from different cultural contexts.
Individuals living in war-torn third world countries may be unable to comprehend the importance of the issue of obsession with ‘beauty’ and respond with confusion. Typically, in third world countries poverty is a pressuring issue experienced on a daily basis that threatens survival. Poverty kills numerous children, adults and elderly around the world and is still a prevalent issue in the 21st century. Over time, people who have been subjected to hunger on a daily basis simply begin to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life. This is reflective of a determined attitude established to be one founded on survival rather than luxury. In addition, the value of the access of food and water is greater respected and appreciated by those who live in poverty. The issue conveyed in the documentary therefore may cause individuals stricken with poverty to respond with confusion to the promoted value to ‘be attractive’. As a result, to individuals that are tormented by poverty and war on a daily basis have a determined attitude towards survival rather than towards the foreign issue of being beauty. Hence, individuals tormented by poverty are likely to value food and water above all unnecessary luxuries such as having a favourable appearance.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century are likely to respond to documentary’s warning with interest and wonder. First world countries in the 21st century often provides its citizens with a wide access to luxurious utilities and facilities. In addition, one of the most pressing issues of discussion is body image and appearance. As a person living in a first world country I am able to see the prevalence of vanity in the pursue of a perfect appearance by using cosmetic surgery and procedures. Time and money are spent on the luxury called maintaining beauty rather than on essentials such as food, water and shelter. This reflects a vain attitude towards valuing luxuries such as maintaining appearance rather than things essential to survival. As a result, to individuals that are blessed with numerous privileges they may be able to appreciate and praise the documentaries exploration of the issue of body insecurity. Hence, a viewer's response is shaped by their cultural context.
Individuals living in war-torn third world countries may be unable to comprehend the importance of the issue of obsession with ‘beauty’ and respond with confusion. Typically, in third world countries poverty is a pressuring issue experienced on a daily basis that threatens survival. Poverty kills numerous children, adults and elderly around the world and is still a prevalent issue in the 21st century. Over time, people who have been subjected to hunger on a daily basis simply begin to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life. This is reflective of a determined attitude established to be one founded on survival rather than luxury. In addition, the value of the access of food and water is greater respected and appreciated by those who live in poverty. The issue conveyed in the documentary therefore may cause individuals stricken with poverty to respond with confusion to the promoted value to ‘be attractive’. As a result, to individuals that are tormented by poverty and war on a daily basis have a determined attitude towards survival rather than towards the foreign issue of being beauty. Hence, individuals tormented by poverty are likely to value food and water above all unnecessary luxuries such as having a favourable appearance.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century are likely to respond to documentary’s warning with interest and wonder. First world countries in the 21st century often provides its citizens with a wide access to luxurious utilities and facilities. In addition, one of the most pressing issues of discussion is body image and appearance. As a person living in a first world country I am able to see the prevalence of vanity in the pursue of a perfect appearance by using cosmetic surgery and procedures. Time and money are spent on the luxury called maintaining beauty rather than on essentials such as food, water and shelter. This reflects a vain attitude towards valuing luxuries such as maintaining appearance rather than things essential to survival. As a result, to individuals that are blessed with numerous privileges they may be able to appreciate and praise the documentaries exploration of the issue of body insecurity. Hence, a viewer's response is shaped by their cultural context.
I'm going to suggest some overall things rather than nit-picking at your work - because the work is fine! It's very clear, not at all waffley, etc.
I don't know what the expectation is with WA tasks, but in the HSC, even if it isn't specified that you are to talk about techniques from the text, you should anyway and use that as your point of analysis. Also, you might consider the notion of "standpoint" when giving your analysis. A standpoint is essentially the point of view someone holds shaped by various life experiences. Cultural context would influence this heavily. Also, I might suggested broadening the types of context you discuss. Cultural context is used loosely here, but perhaps economic, personal, and social contexts might also play into this? I'm not sure if you have the word capacity to explore these, but these different lenses will give new depth to your work and I think it's really worth considering if it's at all an option. Your piece currently answers the question in a very straight forward way, so perhaps looking at the different types of contexts would be beneficial for layering the response to give it a little decadence :)
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on April 04, 2017, 11:18:44 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 04, 2017, 11:41:40 am
Hey just say you do 12 units just like me, and during your HSC Exam really mess up on one would that affect your ATAR.
If you do well in the others and they would give you a strong result, that one poor result won't matter! They only take your best 10 units ;D
Try and post your questions in the right sections, you can pop any more questions about marks/scaling and stuff here!
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 04, 2017, 06:29:36 pm
I'm not exactly sure how to apply the notion of "standpoint" when in regards to cosmetic surgery. Do you have to explain how your standpoint has been changed by various life experience then talk about your response through that stand point? How could do this in regards to cosmetic surgery? I'm not sure how economic, personal, and social contexts might also play into cosmetic surgery over time?
Ciao anotherworld! How are you going with these responses? How is your teacher responding to them? I'd love to know if we're putting you on the right track :)SpoilerResponses to the documentary ‘The Ugly Truth About Beauty’ by Barcroft TV can be shaped in numerous ways depending on the viewer’s cultural context.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century are likely to respond to documentary’s warning with interest and wonder. First world countries in the 21st century often provides its citizens with a wide access to luxurious utilities and facilities. In addition, one of the most pressing issues of discussion is body image and appearance. As a person living in a first world country I am able to see the prevalence of vanity in the pursue of a perfect appearance by using cosmetic surgery and procedures. Time and money are spent on the luxury called maintaining beauty rather than on essentials such as food, water and shelter. This reflects a vain attitude towards valuing luxuries such as maintaining appearance rather than things essential to survival. As a result, to individuals that are blessed with numerous privileges they may be able to appreciate and praise the documentaries exploration of the issue of body insecurity. Hence, a viewer's response is shaped by their cultural context.
I'm going to suggest some overall things rather than nit-picking at your work - because the work is fine! It's very clear, not at all waffley, etc.
I don't know what the expectation is with WA tasks, but in the HSC, even if it isn't specified that you are to talk about techniques from the text, you should anyway and use that as your point of analysis. Also, you might consider the notion of "standpoint" when giving your analysis. A standpoint is essentially the point of view someone holds shaped by various life experiences. Cultural context would influence this heavily. Also, I might suggested broadening the types of context you discuss. Cultural context is used loosely here, but perhaps economic, personal, and social contexts might also play into this? I'm not sure if you have the word capacity to explore these, but these different lenses will give new depth to your work and I think it's really worth considering if it's at all an option. Your piece currently answers the question in a very straight forward way, so perhaps looking at the different types of contexts would be beneficial for layering the response to give it a little decadence :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 04, 2017, 09:14:30 pm
I haven't been able to show her but I hope I'm the right track
I'm not exactly sure how to apply the notion of "standpoint" when in regards to cosmetic surgery. Do you have to explain how your standpoint has been changed by various life experience then talk about your response through that stand point? How could do this in regards to cosmetic surgery? I'm not sure how economic, personal, and social contexts might also play into cosmetic surgery over time?
Looking at contexts first:
Economic context:
Cosmetic surgery is far from cheap. One's personal economic context would have a lot to do with the way they perceive surgery: a luxury, completely unimaginable, or in budget?
Social context:
In different social realms, ideas of beauty are perceived differently. I don't think it's a succinct statement to say that people in war-torn countries would be baffled by a Western perception of beauty. I think that many people want to feel beautiful, even amongst war. So I think the better option is to talk about social context and the way priorities are sorted amongst that.
As for standpoint: Standpoint is the way all kinds of contexts have come together to give you your point of view. So, we could simply say, "Coming from a developed country with developed economic privilege, my standpoint empathises with the pursuit of vanity through cosmetic surgery." So it's a way of saying "perspective" that has been shaped by context over time. Standpoint isn't at all something you definitely need to include, it's just a new piece of vocab I think you might find useful :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 07, 2017, 01:11:25 am
I was also wondering if I could get feedback on this response please.
We started a new task. :)
I was also hoping to get feedback on how well I fulfilled the criteria please.
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 09, 2017, 09:08:32 am
Thank you for your help.
I was also wondering if I could get feedback on this response please.
We started a new task. :)
I was also hoping to get feedback on how well I fulfilled the criteria please.
Love the ATAR Notes tabs open up the top of the screenshot ;)
Spoiler
1. Discuss how and why different audiences/readers may make different meanings of one text you have studied.
George Orwell’s dystopian narrative ‘1984’ can be interpreted in numerous ways due to differing historical contexts and cultural backgrounds in regards to political influences of differing governments. Orwell’s intent for his narrative ‘1984’ to serve as a warning to his readers towards the danger of totalitarianism and the possible consequences just after World War 2 can evoke different responses from various audience groups. To people living during a period in which tyranny was a reality, Orwell’s warning may evoke a response of fear and acknowledgement to the daunting reminder that communism could potentially become a driving force that permeates the way of life bringing about hardship and suffering. To others, such as modern readers in the 21st century, Orwell’s warning may simply be looked upon as a relic of the past with readers responding with a lack of understanding and appreciation of privileges granted to them. These numerous responses develop from different attitudes, values and beliefs promoted within differing contexts. I think another point you could incorporate here is the way that the obedience/trust/distrust/relationship with politics was constructed in the text and in reality. Could people be drawing parallels even within democracy? I think that modern readers could possibly even gain more from this than the contemporaries. The New Yorker wrote this which might give you some ideas about how this relates to modern world! :)
Vulnerable individuals living in the 20th century may have a greater understanding of Orwell’s warning about the danger of totalitarianism. Historically, tyranny was a reality in numerous countries such as Spain, Germany and the Soviet Union At what point in history? "Historically" isn't succinct enough when we are dealing with contexts. . In these countries, people subjected to hunger and forced labor over time often began to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life under a dictated reign in history. This is reflective of a passive attitude established in ‘1984’ to be one of obedience towards ultimate authority and the belief that citizens under a dictated should be subjected complete political power and authority regardless of personal will. This attitude and belief is often upheld by the majority of citizens in countries in which tyranny was prevalent during the 20th century and strongly resonates with the dictatorship of Joseph Stalin in particular. Joseph Stalin was a dictator of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics who ruled by terror and eliminated anyone who threatened his authority, changing the Soviet Union from a peasant society into an industrial and military superpower. Millions of his own citizens died under his brutal reign including millions of farmers who refused to cooperate with Stalin’s orders and were shot or exiled as punishment. These last two sentences - no analysis, just description of context. I'm not sure how much of this your teacher wants you to give considering your response is supposed to respond to context, so perhaps see what your teacher thinks of this. In a HSC essay, if this sat on its own without being explicitly and immediately linked we would be suggesting it is wasted words. But, this is a different type of response and might warrant something else! This knowledge reinforces the passive attitude of obedience towards authority, the value of survival and the belief that absolute obedience will increase one’s chances of survival in a time of tyranny in history and in ‘1984’. The term totalitarianism is typically associated with tyranny and Stalin’s reign displays this idea clearly. Ultimately, the value of freedom and the value of life in the minds of individuals held captive by totalitarianism are eventually erased in ‘1984’. Eventually, citizens of Oceania only have one priority: to be obedient and survive. Orwell’s warning is therefore considered to be one of importance to individuals who fear the danger of communism being a potential driving force that permeates their own way of life bring about hardships and suffering as seen in Stalin’s reign. As a result, to individuals that are ‘free’ during a time of tyranny are motivated to value freedom and the ability to control their own lives. Furthermore, vulnerable people fearing the prospect of living under a dictated reign are likely to respond to Orwell’s warning with seriousness and fear.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century
Furthermore, individuals whom lived in fear of oppression and tyranny stemmed from the aftermath of war and manipulation will inevitably respond towards Orwell’s dystopian narrative with seriousness and alertness as they are aware of the dangers and the suffering experienced by those oppressed by tyranny in neighbouring countries. As a result of contrasting historical and cultural contexts across various audience groups and individuals, responses and meanings towards Orwell’s warning in the narrative ‘1984’ are distinctly differ. The contrasting values, beliefs and attitudes promoted within varying contexts can influence and shape one’s interpretation of a text.
As suggested throughout, I think your argument can be varied by engaging with the text in a way that espouses a reading not specifically aligned with communism. By focusing on the idea of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance, you can tap into very specific aspects of history in two different periods. Also, don't shy away from comparing how an audience in 21st century America might perceive this differently to 21st century UK or Australia. It's ok to scoop developed countries in the 21st century together, but your response would be clearer with identifying the specific audiences (as per the criteria) with a more clear specification.
Also, I think that by focusing on more specific ideas like trust/distrust, surveillance, etc, rather than just larger paradigms like communism, you'll be able to nail the other criteria too by focusing on more similarities between the context, and thus drawing stronger differences :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 09, 2017, 11:02:41 am
I'll be back when I edit my response ;D
Love the ATAR Notes tabs open up the top of the screenshot ;)
Also, I think that by focusing on more specific ideas like trust/distrust, surveillance, etc, rather than just larger paradigms like communism, you'll be able to nail the other criteria too by focusing on more similarities between the context, and thus drawing stronger differences :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 11, 2017, 01:12:33 am
I tried to incorporate your advice and feedback but I'm a bit unsure if I was successful
Spoiler
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 14, 2017, 05:29:27 am
Hi I'm back.
I tried to incorporate your advice and feedback but I'm a bit unsure if I was successful
Hey! Happy to have a look :)
Spoiler
1. Discuss how and why different audiences/readers may make different meanings of one text you have studied.
George Orwell’s dystopian narrative ‘1984’ can be interpreted in numerous ways due to differing historical contexts and cultural backgrounds in regards to the political influences of differing governments on the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance. Orwell’s intent for his narrative ‘1984’ to serve as a warning to his readers towards the danger of totalitarianism and the possible consequences just after World War 2 can evoke different responses from various audience groups and the extent certain ideas and issues portrayed are explored. This is a long sentence - I'm wondering if it would be most clearly expressed by having a sentence only about the way audiences respond to things (not about the text), and then a sentence linking this to the text? To people living during a period in which tyranny was a reality, Orwell’s warning may evoke a response of fear and acknowledgement to the daunting reminder that communism could potentially become a driving force that permeates the way of life bringing about hardship and suffering. To others, such as modern readers in the 21st century, Orwell’s warning about the threat of Communism may simply be looked upon as a relic of the past with readers responding with a lack of understanding and appreciation. On the contrary, modern readers may be able to explore the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust and surveillance to a greater extent than contemporary readers due to a differing cultural context. The difference between modern readers and contemporary readers isn't clear here - only because "the contemporary's of the text" are people reading the text when it was first published, but contemporary readers are current readers. So when this is in the same sentence as "modern" readers as well, the distinction is just a little awkward. I can assume I understand each audience, but ambiguity is best to be left out. These numerous responses develop from different attitudes, values and beliefs promoted within differing contexts. However, in both ‘1984’ and in reality a clear relationship involving trust and obedience with politics is similarly constructed in both texts allowing the audience to draw parallels within the concept of democracy. In addition, it appears as though modern readers are able to delve deeper into ‘1984’ and apply their knowledge to reality than contemporary readers. Love this...
Vulnerable individuals living in the 20th century may have a greater understanding of Orwell’s warning about the threat of totalitarianism. The fact that Orwell lived through two world wars and saw the rise of totalitarian regimes on an unprecedented scale that included tyranny in Spain, Germany and the Soviet Union during his lifetime greatly influenced his inspiration for ‘1984’. In these countries, people subjected to hunger and forced labor over time often began to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life under a dictated reign in history. This is reflective of a passive attitude established in ‘1984’ to be one of obedience towards ultimate authority and the belief that citizens under a dictated should be subjected complete political power and authority regardless of personal will. This attitude and belief is often upheld by the majority of citizens in countries in which tyranny was prevalent during the 20th century and strongly resonates with the dictatorship of Joseph Stalin in particular. In addition, the fact that Joseph Stalin was a dictator of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics who ruled by terror and eliminated anyone who threatened his authority further reinforces the terrifying consequence in misplacing unquestioned trust in politics without exercising one’s own critical thinking.This knowledge reinforces the passive attitude of obedience towards authority, the value of survival and the belief that absolute obedience will increase one’s chances of survival in a time of tyranny in history and in ‘1984’. The term totalitarianism is typically associated with tyranny and Stalin’s reign displays this idea clearly. Ultimately, the value of freedom and the value of life in the minds of individuals held captive by totalitarianism are eventually erased in ‘1984’. Eventually, citizens of Oceania only have one priority: to be obedient and survive. Orwell’s warning is therefore considered to be one of importance to individuals who fear the danger of communism being a potential driving force that permeates their own way of life bring about hardships and suffering as seen in Stalin’s reign. As a result, to individuals that are ‘free’ during a time of tyranny are motivated to value freedom and the ability to control their own lives. Furthermore, vulnerable people fearing the prospect of living under a dictated reign are likely to respond to Orwell’s warning of the threat of Communism with seriousness and fear. Great description. I don't think your question requires it, but perhaps it does without saying so: do you need to reference specific aspects of the text? Do you need to draw attention to concepts like Big Brother or specific passages, or is it enough for this kind of response to talk about the themes in general? If you don't need to be specific, this is wonderful - but naturally it is the next step in developing a response into an essay. Don't do more than what the question expects of you, of course. We don't want to risk losing marks in the aim of gaining them!
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century may to respond to Orwell’s warning towards the threat of Communism with a lack of seriousness and appreciation. Orwell’s warning can evoke such a response from this audience group because first world countries are typically associated with being a western country that is either capitalist and/or democratic in which numerous privileges are taken for granted as rights. Unique take, I like it! On the other hand modern readers may respond to the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness. Typically, first world countries in the 21st century such as America provide its citizens with an unlimited personally, I'm not sure I would agree with "unlimited" but it works. access to universal freedoms and often govern using democracy. Furthermore, it is a assumed belief that people should have access to universal rights. It is from this belief that a spoilt and conceited attitude is established towards the value and belief of accessing these freedoms and rights. Furthermore, the threat of communism is not perceived to be a driving force that can influence a modern reader’s way of life. It is instead considered to be a relic of the past rather than a pressing issue. However, different issues that arise from the concept of communism are applicable to modern society to a greater relation to modern readers than to contemporary readers. The terrifying idea of surveillance on a person without their content or awareness simultaneously conveys the betrayal of trust placed in the government to be manipulated in such a way to control its citizens. Following Edward Snowden revealing a massive surveillance program in which the U.S. National Security Agency (NSA) could monitor the cellphone and internet activity of U.S. citizens the sales of 1984 spiked by about 7,000 per cent according to..... This recent revelation of the United States’ domestic surveillance operations further supports the eerie realisation that the distant future George Orwell imagined in ‘1984’ may not be as distant as first believed. It may seem like an absurd idea but in reality the technological possibilities of surveillance and data collection and storage in modern society surpasses what Orwell imagined Here, I would be talking about a particular few ideas in the text that Orwell suggests and relate them to this. Not just ideas of surveillance, but actually aliken the text's examples of surveillance to reality.. In addition, a modern reader’s possible lack of seriousness and fear towards Orwell’s warning in ‘1984’ reflects a mindset that pictures communism as a foreign idea will never happen in the reality and that freedoms are simply rights rather than privileges. However, in reality a modern reader may respond to the increasing prevalence of ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness. Wonderful addition!
Furthermore, individuals whom lived in fear of oppression and tyranny stemmed from the aftermath of war and manipulation will inevitably respond towards Orwell’s dystopian narrative with seriousness and alertness as they are aware of the dangers and the suffering experienced by those oppressed by tyranny in neighbouring countries. As a result of contrasting historical and cultural contexts across various audience groups and individuals, responses and meanings towards Orwell’s warning in the narrative ‘1984’ are distinctly differ. The contrasting values, beliefs and attitudes promoted within varying contexts can influence and shape one’s interpretation of a text.
George Orwell’s dystopian narrative ‘1984’ can be interpreted in numerous ways due to differing historical contexts and cultural backgrounds in regards to the political influences of differing governments on the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance. Orwell’s intent for his narrative ‘1984’ to serve as a warning to his readers towards the danger of totalitarianism and the possible consequences just after World War 2 can evoke different responses from various audience groups and the extent certain ideas and issues portrayed are explored. This is a long sentence - I'm wondering if it would be most clearly expressed by having a sentence only about the way audiences respond to things (not about the text), and then a sentence linking this to the text? To people living during a period in which tyranny was a reality, Orwell’s warning may evoke a response of fear and acknowledgement to the daunting reminder that communism could potentially become a driving force that permeates the way of life bringing about hardship and suffering. To others, such as modern readers in the 21st century, Orwell’s warning about the threat of Communism may simply be looked upon as a relic of the past with readers responding with a lack of understanding and appreciation. On the contrary, modern readers may be able to explore the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust and surveillance to a greater extent than contemporary readers due to a differing cultural context. The difference between modern readers and contemporary readers isn't clear here - only because "the contemporary's of the text" are people reading the text when it was first published, but contemporary readers are current readers. So when this is in the same sentence as "modern" readers as well, the distinction is just a little awkward. I can assume I understand each audience, but ambiguity is best to be left out. These numerous responses develop from different attitudes, values and beliefs promoted within differing contexts. However, in both ‘1984’ and in reality a clear relationship involving trust and obedience with politics is similarly constructed in both texts allowing the audience to draw parallels within the concept of democracy. In addition, it appears as though modern readers are able to delve deeper into ‘1984’ and apply their knowledge to reality than contemporary readers. Love this...
Vulnerable individuals living in the 20th century may have a greater understanding of Orwell’s warning about the threat of totalitarianism. The fact that Orwell lived through two world wars and saw the rise of totalitarian regimes on an unprecedented scale that included tyranny in Spain, Germany and the Soviet Union during his lifetime greatly influenced his inspiration for ‘1984’. In these countries, people subjected to hunger and forced labor over time often began to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life under a dictated reign in history. This is reflective of a passive attitude established in ‘1984’ to be one of obedience towards ultimate authority and the belief that citizens under a dictated should be subjected complete political power and authority regardless of personal will. This attitude and belief is often upheld by the majority of citizens in countries in which tyranny was prevalent during the 20th century and strongly resonates with the dictatorship of Joseph Stalin in particular. In addition, the fact that Joseph Stalin was a dictator of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics who ruled by terror and eliminated anyone who threatened his authority further reinforces the terrifying consequence in misplacing unquestioned trust in politics without exercising one’s own critical thinking.This knowledge reinforces the passive attitude of obedience towards authority, the value of survival and the belief that absolute obedience will increase one’s chances of survival in a time of tyranny in history and in ‘1984’. The term totalitarianism is typically associated with tyranny and Stalin’s reign displays this idea clearly. Ultimately, the value of freedom and the value of life in the minds of individuals held captive by totalitarianism are eventually erased in ‘1984’. Eventually, citizens of Oceania only have one priority: to be obedient and survive. Orwell’s warning is therefore considered to be one of importance to individuals who fear the danger of communism being a potential driving force that permeates their own way of life bring about hardships and suffering as seen in Stalin’s reign. As a result, to individuals that are ‘free’ during a time of tyranny are motivated to value freedom and the ability to control their own lives. Furthermore, vulnerable people fearing the prospect of living under a dictated reign are likely to respond to Orwell’s warning of the threat of Communism with seriousness and fear. Great description. I don't think your question requires it, but perhaps it does without saying so: do you need to reference specific aspects of the text? Do you need to draw attention to concepts like Big Brother or specific passages, or is it enough for this kind of response to talk about the themes in general? If you don't need to be specific, this is wonderful - but naturally it is the next step in developing a response into an essay. Don't do more than what the question expects of you, of course. We don't want to risk losing marks in the aim of gaining them!
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century may to respond to Orwell’s warning towards the threat of Communism with a lack of seriousness and appreciation. Orwell’s warning can evoke such a response from this audience group because first world countries are typically associated with being a western country that is either capitalist and/or democratic in which numerous privileges are taken for granted as rights. Unique take, I like it! On the other hand modern readers may respond to the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness. Typically, first world countries in the 21st century such as America provide its citizens with an unlimited personally, I'm not sure I would agree with "unlimited" but it works. access to universal freedoms and often govern using democracy. Furthermore, it is a assumed belief that people should have access to universal rights. It is from this belief that a spoilt and conceited attitude is established towards the value and belief of accessing these freedoms and rights. Furthermore, the threat of communism is not perceived to be a driving force that can influence a modern reader’s way of life. It is instead considered to be a relic of the past rather than a pressing issue. However, different issues that arise from the concept of communism are applicable to modern society to a greater relation to modern readers than to contemporary readers. The terrifying idea of surveillance on a person without their content or awareness simultaneously conveys the betrayal of trust placed in the government to be manipulated in such a way to control its citizens. Following Edward Snowden revealing a massive surveillance program in which the U.S. National Security Agency (NSA) could monitor the cellphone and internet activity of U.S. citizens the sales of 1984 spiked by about 7,000 per cent according to..... This recent revelation of the United States’ domestic surveillance operations further supports the eerie realisation that the distant future George Orwell imagined in ‘1984’ may not be as distant as first believed. It may seem like an absurd idea but in reality the technological possibilities of surveillance and data collection and storage in modern society surpasses what Orwell imagined Here, I would be talking about a particular few ideas in the text that Orwell suggests and relate them to this. Not just ideas of surveillance, but actually aliken the text's examples of surveillance to reality.. In addition, a modern reader’s possible lack of seriousness and fear towards Orwell’s warning in ‘1984’ reflects a mindset that pictures communism as a foreign idea will never happen in the reality and that freedoms are simply rights rather than privileges. However, in reality a modern reader may respond to the increasing prevalence of ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness. Wonderful addition!
Furthermore, individuals whom lived in fear of oppression and tyranny stemmed from the aftermath of war and manipulation will inevitably respond towards Orwell’s dystopian narrative with seriousness and alertness as they are aware of the dangers and the suffering experienced by those oppressed by tyranny in neighbouring countries. As a result of contrasting historical and cultural contexts across various audience groups and individuals, responses and meanings towards Orwell’s warning in the narrative ‘1984’ are distinctly differ. The contrasting values, beliefs and attitudes promoted within varying contexts can influence and shape one’s interpretation of a text.
This has really beefed up to be a very substantial response - I'm really impressed by this and I hope you can see the big difference you've made. Your perspective appears more balanced now and it really makes the discussion far more rich. I hope you're impressed with it! :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 14, 2017, 07:11:31 pm
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 15, 2017, 03:28:28 pm
I feel as if paragraph 2 is a bit too long but I'm not sure what I should cut out. Or should I keep everything anyway?
Spoiler
1.
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 16, 2017, 06:38:34 am
Elyse I did some editing for paragraph 2. I was hoping you could have a look at it please.
I feel as if paragraph 2 is a bit too long but I'm not sure what I should cut out. Or should I keep everything anyway?
Hey! Of course :)
Spoiler
Discuss how and why different audiences/readers may make different meanings of one text you have studied.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century may to Doesn't make sense respond to Orwell’s warningtowards about the threat of Communism with a lack of seriousness and appreciation. Orwell’s warning can evoke such a response from this audience group because first world countries are typically associated with being a western country that is either capitalist and/or democratic in which numerous privileges are taken for granted as rights. On the other hand Alternatively, (less words and more formal) modern readers may respond to the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness I'm not convinced this is the best word - may respond with seriousness? It's not wrong of course, I just wonder if it could be more direct and meaningful, but this depends on what you believe an audience may think. . Typically, first world countries in the 21st century such as America provide its citizens with an unrestricted access to universal freedoms and often govern using democracy. Furthermore, it is a assumed belief that people should have access to universal rights A belief amongst who?. It is from this belief that a spoilt and conceited attitude is established towards the value and belief of accessing these freedoms and rights. Furthermore, the threat of communism is not perceived to be a driving force that can influence a modern reader’s way of life. I feel like the thing that's dragging this paragraph to be too long is the "furthermore...also...in addition... style of writing. Instead of ideas compounding each other, we are slowly progressing from one to the next rather than really dealing with anything succinctly and concurrently. It is instead considered to be a relic of the past rather than a pressing issue. However, different issues that arise from the concept of communism are applicable to modern society to a greater relation to modern readers than to contemporary readers I don't think this is a clear representation of which audience is which, but it is a good comparison nonetheless.. The terrifying subjective, I'd avoid in order to maintain sophistication. idea of surveillance on a person without their content or awareness simultaneously conveys the betrayal of trust placed in the government to be manipulated in such a way to control its citizens. Following Edward Snowden revealing a massive surveillance program in which the U.S. National Security Agency (NSA) could monitor the cellphone and internet activity of U.S. citizens the sales of 1984 spiked by about 7,000 per cent according to a survey by Pew Research Center.This recent revelation of the United States’ domestic surveillance operations further supports the eerie realisation that the distant future George Orwell imagined in ‘1984’ may not be as distant as first believed. Nice. It may seem like an absurd idea to who? I wouldn't say this part- it doesn't add anything to the discussion. but in reality the technological possibilities of surveillance and data collection and storage in modern society surpasses what Orwell imagined. In particular, Orwell’s idea in describing the extent technology can be used as invasive spyware prying into an individual’s privacy without that individual’s awareness or permission is subtly present in reality.The shocking realisation that telescreens and microphones used in 1984 are eerily similar to televisions, microphones and CCTV’s that exist in modern society evokes a sense of unease. Very nice comparison - but "shocking" isn't something we need in the analysis. Furthermore, just the thought of modern CCTV’s being used in society to spy on people without their knowledge and consent sends shivers down my spine as a contemporary reader living in the 21st century. This further reinforces the idea and knowledge that modern technology is eerily similar to the complicated mechanisms used to psychologically manipulate and control the minds of the people of Oceania by inducing paranoia and fear. In addition, a modern reader’s possible lack of seriousness and fear towards Orwell’s warning in ‘1984’ reflects a mindset that pictures communism as a foreign idea will never happen in the reality and that freedoms are simply rights rather than privileges. However, in reality a modern reader may respond to the increasing prevalence of ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century may to Doesn't make sense respond to Orwell’s warning
You're doing really well by bringing in various perspectives, you can really see the difference in the richness of the discussion between your first draft and this one! Do you see it as well? Hopefully this gives you some pointers for making it more succinct to cut it all down.
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 17, 2017, 04:15:04 pm
I am still struggling to make my paragraphs succinct yet 'packed'
My response seems to be quite long overall. I'm not sure what I should to shorten it
Spoiler
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 18, 2017, 05:08:03 am
Could I please have some help?
I am still struggling to make my paragraphs succinct yet 'packed'
My response seems to be quite long overall. I'm not sure what I should to shorten it
Hey anotherworld!
I find that when I need to reorganise my paragraphs, I need to plan out exactly what I want to put in it according to dot points, and then arrange the dot points with links and lines so I know which points I can squeeze together or connect. Then, without looking at the paragraph you've already written, go off your new plan (with your old draft in the back of your mind) to bring it back together. Sometimes you need to pull it apart for it to fall back together nicely - and I think you're just stuck with expression at the moment, so starting fresh might be the way to go!
To get the essay marked again, or any essay marked, I think you'll need to reach 515 posts :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 18, 2017, 11:38:59 am
thank you for the advice
Hey anotherworld!
I find that when I need to reorganise my paragraphs, I need to plan out exactly what I want to put in it according to dot points, and then arrange the dot points with links and lines so I know which points I can squeeze together or connect. Then, without looking at the paragraph you've already written, go off your new plan (with your old draft in the back of your mind) to bring it back together. Sometimes you need to pull it apart for it to fall back together nicely - and I think you're just stuck with expression at the moment, so starting fresh might be the way to go!
To get the essay marked again, or any essay marked, I think you'll need to reach 515 posts :)
Post by: RobertDyd on April 19, 2017, 09:47:44 pm
Q: An exploration of intertextual connections reveals the relationship between context and key values.
Universal themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Intertextual connections are established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “Kind Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to inform and inspire a modern western audience to engage with Shakespeare. While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication.
Some have interpreted the play R3 as a construct of Tudor propaganda as Richard is vilified and Henry VII (Richmond) glorified in order to flatter the queen and legitimise her claim to the throne. In the play, Shakespeare presents Richard as someone determined to be a villain because of his deformity, as it prevents him from finding pleasure in human relationships and nature. Shakespeare suggests that it is this isolation that motivates Richard’s evil; manifesting itself as a thirst for status and power. Richard’s attitude towards his ‘otherness’ is expressed through the simile: “… love forswore me in my mother’s womb… to shrink mine arm up like a wither’d shrub… deformity to mock my body.” This tone of disgust underpins the blame Richard places on his abnormal birth. Animal imagery is used to describe Richard’s evil as he is referred to as a “toad,” “boar,” and “foul swine” throughout the play. ” Even Margaret calls him a “elvish-marked, abortive, rooting hog” The consistency and clout of the animal imagery creates symbolic descriptions of Richard which highlight his loss of human qualities and emphasise his bestial, primitive lust for power. While Shakespeare was influenced by the deeply theocratic society, where humans could be born ‘evil’, Pacino’s work is guided by secular egalitarian values. Aware of the excessive violence and gang crimes glorified in 90s rap music, Pacino was constructing the film in a context guided by the belief that innocent people could be influenced by external evils. By including interviews, rehearsal footage and vox-pop snippets, Pacino is able to lift the character of Richard off the page, allowing the audience to empathise with Richard, despite his capacity for evil. During the re-enactments of Richard’s soliloquy in the film, Pacino exaggerates Richard’s hunched body language, as the dynamically shifting camera angles capture him hitting the wall with a walking stick in between lines in order to “illustrate the corruption in his mind”. Pacino clothes his character in black attire to emphasise Richard’s malevolent nature and illuminates only half of Richard’s face, exploring the duplicity of his character. This is further amplified when Pacino softly whispers; “Plots have I laid… inductions dangerous” breathing directly to the camera , enhances the resentment and disgust behind the words.
Within Shakespeare’s deeply religious society, self-determinism was supressed by god’s rule and the chain of being and Shakespeare’s purpose is to substantiate God’s autonomy over the fate and fortune of the mortal world. This is expressed through the ghost of King Henry who uses emotive language; “When I was mortal, my anointed body, By thee was punchèd full of deadly holes” to create provocative imagery that haunts Richard as a direct result of his evil actions. Shakespeare suggests that it is Richard’s fate to go mad as emphasised through the multiple visits from ghosts, who threaten him with the repeated, alliterative phrase; “Despair, and die!” Audiences who have witnessed Richard’s intention “to prove a villain” in Act 1, now see Richard declaring that he has become one (“I am a villain”). However, rather than feeling a sense of achievement Richard is suddenly afflicted with moral loathing and self-doubt as expressed through the hypophera “What do I fear? Myself? There’s none else by.… I rather hate myself. For hateful deeds committed by myself.” Richard’s clarity is short lived and true to the values of fatalism, which is expressed through the anaphora and rhetorical questions “Is the chair empty? Is the sword unswayed?/Is the king dead? The empire unpossessed” which emphasis his erratic thoughts. In the film, fatalism is silenced, reflecting the rise of secular individualism and the loss of religious beliefs in society, suggesting that individuals are responsible for choosing to betray others for power. This is represented in the film when Kimball states “… he does not have his own humanity, he has lost it”. This idea is enforced by the vox pop of the black man as he states “We have no feeling. That's why it's easy for us to shoot each other.” The use of the vox pop connects the audience to the film and Al Pacino’s values. The docudrama contrasts Shakespeare’s support of God’s autonomy, claiming determinism as the rightful virtue.
Shakespeare employs specific language conventions and structural styles to reflect values regarding the patriarchal constructs in which he produced his work. In the play, Richard’s seduction of Lady Anne reflects the gender dynamic s of Shakespeare’s context. Richard’s prolific skill with language combined with being able to identify the weaknesses of others allows him to easily subjugate Lady Anne in an impressive stichomythic exchange. Through the use of the pronouns “I”, “Thy”, “Me” in the lines “For I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me” Richard is portrayed as a authoritative force who objectifies Lady Anne. As a result, Lady Anne is manipulated into thinking that her appearance has directed Richard’s actions, underpinning the assumption of a passive female voice that is shaped by Shakespearean gender expectations. In the film, we see a shift of values as a direct result of the feminist movement, where subjection is more powerfully linked to youth than gender. This is evident in the scene where Kimball and Pacino discuss the casting of Lady Anne, before the film cuts to the young Winona Ryder in a rehearsal room. Ryder portrays Lady Anne as naive and distressed when she is wooed by Richard by her father’s body, an interpretation that is emphasised in in Richard’s ensuing exclamation ‘Ha!’ The victorious tone exposes Richard’s intention to treat Lady Anne as possession that can be gained and discarded at his leisure. This shows that female power is transient, even within a post-feminist society, exposing the social constraints of the time.
Post by: bananna on April 19, 2017, 09:50:00 pm
What do you think of the song 'Hurricane' by Bob Dylan as a related text for 'The Crucible'
Thanks :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 20, 2017, 01:47:56 pm
Hi Guys, could you mark and give me advice for this essay I wrote? Its Module A, a comparative.Thanks!Hey Robert! Absolutely happy to lend a hand :)
I've put my comments in the bold font below:
Spoiler
Q: An exploration of intertextual connections reveals the relationship between context and key values.
Universal textual? themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Intertextual connections are established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “Kind Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to inform and inspire a modern western audience to engage with Shakespeare. While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. We haven't identified the key values at this point. You've identified the audiences and the intentions of Pacino, and the themes, but not the values. This is vital to you impressing your marker early on and setting the didactic tone for the rest of your essay. Furthermore, you've taken the approach of privileging Pacino's text over Shakespeare's. You need to make sure you're identifying the parent text as a text of integrity on its own, and then link that to the production of the new text. The question requires you to look at contexts retrospectively, as well as by making connections between the two. I'm excited especially about "evil and gender dynamics" - this sounds really interesting.
Some If you can, be more specific. Scholars? Contemporaries of the play? Modern readers? Or, some readers in general? have interpreted the play R3 as a construct of Tudor propaganda as Richard is vilified and Henry VII (Richmond) glorified in order to flatter the queen and legitimise her claim to the throne. In the play, Shakespeare presents Richard as someone determined to be a villain because of his deformity, as it prevents him from finding pleasure in human relationships and nature. Shakespeare suggests that it is this isolation that motivates Richard’s evil; manifesting itself as a thirst for status and power. Richard’s attitude towards his ‘otherness’ is expressed through the simile: “… love forswore me in my mother’s womb… to shrink mine arm up like a wither’d shrub… deformity to mock my body.” This tone of disgust underpins the blame Richard places on his abnormal birth. Animal imagery is used to describe Richard’s evil as he is referred to as a “toad,” “boar,” and “foul swine” throughout the play. ” Even (Not so sure if "even" adds anything to your argument) Margaret calls him a “elvish-marked, abortive, rooting hog” The consistency and clout of the animal imagery creates symbolic descriptions of Richard which highlight his loss of human qualities and emphasise his bestial, primitive lust for power. While Shakespeare was influenced by the deeply theocratic society, where humans could be born ‘evil’, Having studied these texts, I think there are other strong examples of drawing on theocracy. The animal imagery is a great argument, but it doesn't link with the contextual idea of theocracy very clearly. There are several biblical allusions that you could drawn on if you pleased, just to bridge this gap. The ideas are perfect on there own, but the link to context of theocracy isn't strong. Pacino’s work is guided by secular egalitarian values. Aware of the excessive violence and gang crimes glorified in 90s rap music, Pacino was constructing the film in a context guided by the belief that innocent people could be influenced by external evils. By including interviews, rehearsal footage and vox-pop snippets, Pacino is able to lift the character of Richard off the page, allowing the audience to empathise with Richard, despite his capacity for evil. I liked when you listed the three film techniques, but they weren't explained well. They were just listed rather than analysed. What is it about these techniques that lifts them off the page? As is, you've just listed some techniques to show you know they exist, not so much to show you understand the conscious process behind filming and editing each. I think the vox pops really ground the context and create an ethos, but I think the interviews work as a way of making the original text accessible. The three techniques you've listed all have different purposes, so grouping them together doesn't do each justice. During the re-enactments of Richard’s soliloquy in the film, Pacino exaggerates Richard’s hunched body language, as the dynamically shifting camera angles capture him hitting the wall with a walking stick in between lines in order to “illustrate the corruption in his mind”. Love this. Pacino clothes his character in black attire to emphasise Richard’s malevolent nature and illuminates only half of Richard’s face, exploring the duplicity of his character In which scene? At the moment it sounds like only half of his face is shown the whole time. (From memory: it's not...but it's been a while and I could be wrong on this!).. This is further amplified when Pacino softly whispers; “Plots have I laid… inductions dangerous” breathing directly to the camera , enhances the resentment and disgust behind the words. We need to address the key values more explicitly here. So we've talked about the context of Shakespeare in theocracy, and the context of Pacino in gangs, but the "key values" that the question asks of aren't being addressed. Perhaps,
the value of strong leadership, of religious purity...or the value of authentic human experiences, or the value of film. The response sits well, but when the values are weaved through the response will be very strong.
Within Shakespeare’s deeply religious society, self-determinism was supressed by god’s rule and the chain of being and Shakespeare’s purpose is to substantiate God’s autonomy over the fate and fortune of the mortal world. This is expressed through the ghost of King Henry who uses emotive language; “When I was mortal, my anointed body, By thee was punchèd full of deadly holes” to create provocative imagery that haunts Richard as a direct result of his evil actions. Shakespeare suggests that it is Richard’s fate to go mad as emphasised through the multiple visits from ghosts, who threaten him with the repeated, alliterative phrase; “Despair, and die!” Audiences who have witnessed Richard’s intention “to prove a villain” in Act 1, now see Richard declaring that he has become one (“I am a villain”). However, rather than feeling a sense of achievement Richard is suddenly afflicted with moral loathing and self-doubt as expressed through the hypophera “What do I fear? Myself? There’s none else by.… I rather hate myself. For hateful deeds committed by myself.” Richard’s clarity is short lived and true to the values of fatalism, which is expressed through the anaphora and rhetorical questions “Is the chair empty? Is the sword unswayed?/Is the king dead? The empire unpossessed” which emphasis his erratic thoughts. Loving this paragraph so far.In the film, fatalism is silenced, reflecting the rise of secular individualism and the loss of religious beliefs in society, suggesting that individuals are responsible for choosing to betray others for power. This is represented in the film when Kimball states “… he does not have his own humanity, he has lost it”. This idea is enforced by the vox pop of the black man as he states “We have no feeling. That's why it's easy for us to shoot each other.” The use of the vox pop connects the audience to the film and Al Pacino’s values. Great connection. The docudrama contrasts Shakespeare’s support of God’s autonomy, claiming determinism as the rightful virtue.
Shakespeare employs specific language conventions and structural styles to reflect values regarding the patriarchal constructs in which he produced his work. In the play, Richard’s seduction of Lady Anne reflects the gender dynamic s of Shakespeare’s context. Richard’s prolific skill with language combined with being able to identify the weaknesses of others allows him to easily subjugate Lady Anne in an impressive stichomythic exchange. Love this! Through the use of the pronouns “I”, “Thy”, “Me” in the lines “For I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me” Richard is portrayed as a authoritative force who objectifies Lady Anne. As a result, Lady Anne is manipulated into thinking that her appearance has directed Richard’s actions, underpinning the assumption of a passive female voice that is shaped by Shakespearean gender expectations. In the film, we see a shift of values as a direct result of the feminist movement in America? in Hollywood? in the world? I think it's worth specifying for the purpose of nailing the context., where subjection is more powerfully linked to youth than gender. This is evident in the scene where Kimball and Pacino discuss the casting of Lady Anne, before the film cuts to the young Winona Ryder in a rehearsal room. Ryder portrays Lady Anne as naive and distressed when she is wooed by Richard by her father’s body, an interpretation that is emphasised in in Richard’s ensuing exclamation ‘Ha!’ The victorious tone exposes Richard’s intention to treat Lady Anne as possession that can be gained and discarded at his leisure. This shows that female power is transient, even within a post-feminist society, exposing the social constraints of the time.
Universal textual? themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Intertextual connections are established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “Kind Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to inform and inspire a modern western audience to engage with Shakespeare. While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. We haven't identified the key values at this point. You've identified the audiences and the intentions of Pacino, and the themes, but not the values. This is vital to you impressing your marker early on and setting the didactic tone for the rest of your essay. Furthermore, you've taken the approach of privileging Pacino's text over Shakespeare's. You need to make sure you're identifying the parent text as a text of integrity on its own, and then link that to the production of the new text. The question requires you to look at contexts retrospectively, as well as by making connections between the two. I'm excited especially about "evil and gender dynamics" - this sounds really interesting.
Some If you can, be more specific. Scholars? Contemporaries of the play? Modern readers? Or, some readers in general? have interpreted the play R3 as a construct of Tudor propaganda as Richard is vilified and Henry VII (Richmond) glorified in order to flatter the queen and legitimise her claim to the throne. In the play, Shakespeare presents Richard as someone determined to be a villain because of his deformity, as it prevents him from finding pleasure in human relationships and nature. Shakespeare suggests that it is this isolation that motivates Richard’s evil; manifesting itself as a thirst for status and power. Richard’s attitude towards his ‘otherness’ is expressed through the simile: “… love forswore me in my mother’s womb… to shrink mine arm up like a wither’d shrub… deformity to mock my body.” This tone of disgust underpins the blame Richard places on his abnormal birth. Animal imagery is used to describe Richard’s evil as he is referred to as a “toad,” “boar,” and “foul swine” throughout the play. ” Even (Not so sure if "even" adds anything to your argument) Margaret calls him a “elvish-marked, abortive, rooting hog” The consistency and clout of the animal imagery creates symbolic descriptions of Richard which highlight his loss of human qualities and emphasise his bestial, primitive lust for power. While Shakespeare was influenced by the deeply theocratic society, where humans could be born ‘evil’, Having studied these texts, I think there are other strong examples of drawing on theocracy. The animal imagery is a great argument, but it doesn't link with the contextual idea of theocracy very clearly. There are several biblical allusions that you could drawn on if you pleased, just to bridge this gap. The ideas are perfect on there own, but the link to context of theocracy isn't strong. Pacino’s work is guided by secular egalitarian values. Aware of the excessive violence and gang crimes glorified in 90s rap music, Pacino was constructing the film in a context guided by the belief that innocent people could be influenced by external evils. By including interviews, rehearsal footage and vox-pop snippets, Pacino is able to lift the character of Richard off the page, allowing the audience to empathise with Richard, despite his capacity for evil. I liked when you listed the three film techniques, but they weren't explained well. They were just listed rather than analysed. What is it about these techniques that lifts them off the page? As is, you've just listed some techniques to show you know they exist, not so much to show you understand the conscious process behind filming and editing each. I think the vox pops really ground the context and create an ethos, but I think the interviews work as a way of making the original text accessible. The three techniques you've listed all have different purposes, so grouping them together doesn't do each justice. During the re-enactments of Richard’s soliloquy in the film, Pacino exaggerates Richard’s hunched body language, as the dynamically shifting camera angles capture him hitting the wall with a walking stick in between lines in order to “illustrate the corruption in his mind”. Love this. Pacino clothes his character in black attire to emphasise Richard’s malevolent nature and illuminates only half of Richard’s face, exploring the duplicity of his character In which scene? At the moment it sounds like only half of his face is shown the whole time. (From memory: it's not...but it's been a while and I could be wrong on this!).. This is further amplified when Pacino softly whispers; “Plots have I laid… inductions dangerous” breathing directly to the camera , enhances the resentment and disgust behind the words. We need to address the key values more explicitly here. So we've talked about the context of Shakespeare in theocracy, and the context of Pacino in gangs, but the "key values" that the question asks of aren't being addressed. Perhaps,
the value of strong leadership, of religious purity...or the value of authentic human experiences, or the value of film. The response sits well, but when the values are weaved through the response will be very strong.
Within Shakespeare’s deeply religious society, self-determinism was supressed by god’s rule and the chain of being and Shakespeare’s purpose is to substantiate God’s autonomy over the fate and fortune of the mortal world. This is expressed through the ghost of King Henry who uses emotive language; “When I was mortal, my anointed body, By thee was punchèd full of deadly holes” to create provocative imagery that haunts Richard as a direct result of his evil actions. Shakespeare suggests that it is Richard’s fate to go mad as emphasised through the multiple visits from ghosts, who threaten him with the repeated, alliterative phrase; “Despair, and die!” Audiences who have witnessed Richard’s intention “to prove a villain” in Act 1, now see Richard declaring that he has become one (“I am a villain”). However, rather than feeling a sense of achievement Richard is suddenly afflicted with moral loathing and self-doubt as expressed through the hypophera “What do I fear? Myself? There’s none else by.… I rather hate myself. For hateful deeds committed by myself.” Richard’s clarity is short lived and true to the values of fatalism, which is expressed through the anaphora and rhetorical questions “Is the chair empty? Is the sword unswayed?/Is the king dead? The empire unpossessed” which emphasis his erratic thoughts. Loving this paragraph so far.In the film, fatalism is silenced, reflecting the rise of secular individualism and the loss of religious beliefs in society, suggesting that individuals are responsible for choosing to betray others for power. This is represented in the film when Kimball states “… he does not have his own humanity, he has lost it”. This idea is enforced by the vox pop of the black man as he states “We have no feeling. That's why it's easy for us to shoot each other.” The use of the vox pop connects the audience to the film and Al Pacino’s values. Great connection. The docudrama contrasts Shakespeare’s support of God’s autonomy, claiming determinism as the rightful virtue.
Shakespeare employs specific language conventions and structural styles to reflect values regarding the patriarchal constructs in which he produced his work. In the play, Richard’s seduction of Lady Anne reflects the gender dynamic s of Shakespeare’s context. Richard’s prolific skill with language combined with being able to identify the weaknesses of others allows him to easily subjugate Lady Anne in an impressive stichomythic exchange. Love this! Through the use of the pronouns “I”, “Thy”, “Me” in the lines “For I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me” Richard is portrayed as a authoritative force who objectifies Lady Anne. As a result, Lady Anne is manipulated into thinking that her appearance has directed Richard’s actions, underpinning the assumption of a passive female voice that is shaped by Shakespearean gender expectations. In the film, we see a shift of values as a direct result of the feminist movement in America? in Hollywood? in the world? I think it's worth specifying for the purpose of nailing the context., where subjection is more powerfully linked to youth than gender. This is evident in the scene where Kimball and Pacino discuss the casting of Lady Anne, before the film cuts to the young Winona Ryder in a rehearsal room. Ryder portrays Lady Anne as naive and distressed when she is wooed by Richard by her father’s body, an interpretation that is emphasised in in Richard’s ensuing exclamation ‘Ha!’ The victorious tone exposes Richard’s intention to treat Lady Anne as possession that can be gained and discarded at his leisure. This shows that female power is transient, even within a post-feminist society, exposing the social constraints of the time.
Without a conclusion, this essay is very strong. You have a very clear structure which is the greatest merit to your work. I've commented on various parts throughout. Funnily enough, what is an issue in one paragraph isn't really an issue in the next! So it's best you read the comments than be me making a summary at the end. I think you're on the way to a band 6 essay. The last paragraph lacks the substance that the others have in terms of perspective and evidence. The other paragraphs seemed more dense whereas this last one appeared to compare two specific scenes, as opposed to drawing on various scenes to ensure the point is displayed in a rich manner. In saying this, I didn't think it let down the essay as a whole, because the ideas expressed were so refreshing.
An idea for you to explore: "Reshaping." I think you deal with the two texts and the way they stand by one another, but I think there can be more of a sense of Pacino working with a difficult Shakespeare text and churning it into the realms of film. I think there could be more discussion of the importance of medium: theatre/film. I think this could filter through the response. Obviously we know that Pacino's text is a film, but I think it's inextricably linked to context: why film? Who would watch film? More so: why docudrama as opposed to film? What does this offer to a modern audience of the 90s?
Let me know if I can help anymore! :)
Post by: RobertDyd on April 20, 2017, 04:24:16 pm
Im a bit worried about my changes to the intro, could you take a look at it again? I think I may have put a bit too much into it but Im not sure.
Universal textual themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Shakespeare aims to achieve a dramatization of the historical events that lead to the overthrow of the York dynasty that justifies the re-establishment of the Tudor Dynasty by portraying a malicious and corrupted Richard in his pursuit of power and downfall. Intertextual connections are thus established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “King Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to interpret and reinforce the key values in the original text so as to inform and inspire a modern western audience. While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. Because of this, key values such as strong leadership, free will, and social constraints are able to endure the passage of time.
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 21, 2017, 06:25:53 pm
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it.Sure thing :)
Im a bit worried about my changes to the intro, could you take a look at it again? I think I may have put a bit too much into it but Im not sure.
Universal textual themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Shakespeare aims to achieve a dramatization of the historical events that lead to the overthrow of the York dynasty that justifies the re-establishment of the Tudor Dynasty by portraying a malicious and corrupted Richard in his pursuit of power and downfall. Intertextual connections are thus established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “King Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to interpret and reinforce the key values in the original text so as to inform and inspire a modern western audience. While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. Because of this, key values such as strong leadership, free will, and social constraints are able to endure the passage of time.
Universal textual themes I know I suggested this, but now I'm not sure it reads so well. "Universal themes" was too vague, but this doesn't flow well. Perhaps, "Universal themes and powerful language allows a text to endure..." and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Shakespeare aims to achieve a dramatization dramatisation* of the historical events that lead to the overthrow of the York dynasty that justifies the re-establishment of the Tudor Dynasty by portraying a malicious and corrupted Richard in his pursuit of power and downfall. I think you forgot to identify the text :) Intertextual connections are thus established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “King Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to interpret and reinforce the key values in the original text so as to inform and inspire a modern western audience.This part is outstanding! While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. Because of this, key values such as strong leadership, free will, and social constraints are able to endure the passage of time. Perfect ending - way to address the question!
You've done an excellent job with this!
Post by: sophiegmaher on April 22, 2017, 09:36:42 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 22, 2017, 09:57:58 am
Module A: This essay was just holiday homework and is only based off one text as we have only studied one so far, so no intertextual perspective or comparative study has been made. I'm sending this in, however, to get another perspective on whether my thesis makes sense and answers the question, and if I have stuck with it throughout my essay! Also if my introduction is clear and specific enough. The question is included in the document. Thanks!
Hey Sophie! My magical spreadsheet tells me you'll need 30 posts to qualify for your next essay marking :) that said, I notice most of your concern is on your Thesis, give me a quick look at that!
Thesis w/ Feedback
How does Metropolis reflect its social, cultural and historical context as well as the perspective and purpose of its composer?
Texts are a product of their time, thus the social, cultural and historical context of 1929 inevitably influences the very themes that are discussed within the film Metropolis. I would have liked if you kept things general for a full sentence before bringing in the specific text - It shows you are considering the aims of the module as a whole, not just as they relate to your texts. So like, "Texts are a product of their time, as composers extrapolate on issues of their context to ..." - Have a completely general start, then say, "This is revealed in the text ______." This is revealed in the specific ideologies Fritz Lang discusses that stem from the tumultuous period of the time. He does this, however, by revealing the negative ramifications of such themes within an emotionally desolate, dystopian society, subsequently positioning the audience to appreciate and strive to achieve the opposing, positive values they give rise to. I like this, nice! A term you could use here is 'didactic' :) Thus, it is the way the negative ideologies of conformity, social stratification and the abuse of power are expressed through the means of German Expressionist cinema that exemplify Lang’s perspective on these prevalent contextual issues, where his purpose for the construction of the film Metropolis is therefore reflected in the encouragement of the opposing, positive values of individualism, equality and hope. I think those ideas should have been introduced earlier, since you've already talked about how they are expressed. The last sentence should be a little more conclusive, "Therefore, ______" or "Thus, _____," that sort of finalising language.
Texts are a product of their time, thus the social, cultural and historical context of 1929 inevitably influences the very themes that are discussed within the film Metropolis. I would have liked if you kept things general for a full sentence before bringing in the specific text - It shows you are considering the aims of the module as a whole, not just as they relate to your texts. So like, "Texts are a product of their time, as composers extrapolate on issues of their context to ..." - Have a completely general start, then say, "This is revealed in the text ______." This is revealed in the specific ideologies Fritz Lang discusses that stem from the tumultuous period of the time. He does this, however, by revealing the negative ramifications of such themes within an emotionally desolate, dystopian society, subsequently positioning the audience to appreciate and strive to achieve the opposing, positive values they give rise to. I like this, nice! A term you could use here is 'didactic' :) Thus, it is the way the negative ideologies of conformity, social stratification and the abuse of power are expressed through the means of German Expressionist cinema that exemplify Lang’s perspective on these prevalent contextual issues, where his purpose for the construction of the film Metropolis is therefore reflected in the encouragement of the opposing, positive values of individualism, equality and hope. I think those ideas should have been introduced earlier, since you've already talked about how they are expressed. The last sentence should be a little more conclusive, "Therefore, ______" or "Thus, _____," that sort of finalising language.
I think this works really well! Definitely answers the question nicely and I like the ideas within, they make perfect sense to me :) a few nitpicks in the comments within that you might want to consider, but great work!!
Let us know when you hit the 30 post mark and we'll get the full thing marked for you :)
Post by: chloeannbarwick on April 24, 2017, 01:34:01 pm
My main worries are contextual depth, and often the way I write is not sophisticated enough. If you could help me out, that would be great! :D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 24, 2017, 10:39:44 pm
My essay is a 'personal response' essay for module B of the HSC on Hamlet
My main worries are contextual depth, and often the way I write is not sophisticated enough. If you could help me out, that would be great! :D
Hey Chloe!! Thanks for posting your essay! As I mentioned in my reply here, you are just a few posts short of qualifying for feedback - Two more posts (in fact, one more post then come back and post here to tell us) will get you there ;D
Post by: sophiegmaher on April 25, 2017, 11:53:33 am
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
And my introduction is:
The experience of a landscape is never identical between two people due to variations in personal, social and cultural context. Nonetheless, identity is inevitably influenced by this experience in ways that can be detrimental or constructive. The interaction between real and remembered landscapes can stimulate one’s identity to be narrowed or broadened, however this positive or negative consequence is determined by an individual’s decision to engage or reject with their present landscape. The disengagement with one’s environment is a self-imposed constraint resulting from the development of values in past landscapes, where the failure to adapt these to one’s present environment can catalyse unforeseen and undesired physical and psychological consequences on one’s potential in their real and future environment, such as the diminishing of unrealised aspirations. Judith Wright’s poems “For New England” and “Brothers and Sisters”, as well as Henry Lawson’s short story The Drover’s Wife, both explore the profound positive or negative influences the Australian landscape has on identity as catalysed by the complex and diverse experiences of real, remembered and imagined landscapes incurred by different individuals.
I would really appreciate feedback! Thank you!
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 25, 2017, 01:13:31 pm
Post by: chloeannbarwick on April 25, 2017, 02:10:35 pm
Hey Chloe!! Thanks for posting your essay! As I mentioned in my reply here, you are just a few posts short of qualifying for feedback - Two more posts (in fact, one more post then come back and post here to tell us) will get you there ;D
I could have sworn I had 18 posts but I'm now back up to 15, happy marking! thank you for your help!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 26, 2017, 06:39:52 pm
My essay is a 'personal response' essay for module B of the HSC on Hamlet
My main worries are contextual depth, and often the way I write is not sophisticated enough. If you could help me out, that would be great! :D
Hey Chloe! Thanks for getting your post count up, your essay is attached with feedback throughout in bold :)
Spoiler
How is your personal response to Hamlet shaped by the interaction of characters in the play?
William Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ is constructed through the deliberate use of ambiguity and duality in the inclusion of characters who play less significant roles that that of the main characters and through emphasizing the ways in which these characters interact. I'm not quite clicking with the purpose of this Thesis, try simplifying it - Your focus is character interaction, say that in a much simpler way! One can see how through doing this, Shakespeare invites multiple interpretations from an audience. Through an in depth analysis of the play, deeper understandings of the characters and their various interactions can be developed, highlighting the ways in which Shakespeare has drawn upon idea’s such as the corruption of nature, paternal absence and appearance vs reality. Nice listing of themes you'll discuss - Is there a way you can link them all together? Try and justify them being in the same essay. In turn, these ideas are the cause of the manifestation of important questions, internal conflicts and the forming of my own conclusions, contributing greatly to the shaping of my personal response and a deepened understanding of the Elizabethan world. Again, try to be more direct - The first half of that sentence could just be "These ideas inspire important questions," or something similar. Simple is almost always better!
Upon the suspicious terms of his Fathers death, it takes Hamlet nothing more than a few simple interactions to convince himself that his Uncle come Father in-law is responsible. Retell - Don't waste words giving the reader plot details! Shakespeare’s carefully constructed Mis en Abyme – the play within the play encompasses the suggestive interactions of the players with the purpose of revealing Claudius’s guilt. The effective disposition results in Claudius’s sudden exit from the court performance – giving proof of his guilt over murdering the King. Retell. Besides this, the tension noticed between Hamlet, Claudius and Gertrude in their dialogue and interactions has lead me to believe that That Claudius did in fact kill Old Hamlet, and that on account of this, hamlet is not truly mad, but must instead fein the disguise of madness, a cloak under which he may effectively deceive the king. Try not to approach your analysis/personal response in a plot centred way - The question doesn't really want you to analyse what you think happened in the text or your opinions of the characters - It wants what you learn about the themes! How your understanding of the world has been improved. Things useful beyond the text itself. Hamlet’s vowed intention to “put an antic disposition” on the King through faking madness is a tactic that I find to be of great success. Retell. Through interaction with a range of characters, Shakespeare’s exploration of appearance vs reality in which Hamlet has fooled the masses, having them believe that his actions are a result of his madness can be seen in the dialogue exchanged with friend Guildenstern when stating that he is only “mad north-north-west,” an allegory in which he means that he is only partly mad – for the cause, and mostly sane. Good idea, good technique - What does the technique achieve? Try to explore the effects of the techniques you mention. Despite his efforts, Claudius and myself remain unconvinced of Hamlets madness. Through interactions with Polonius, Claudius reveals his disbelief through demanding “Get from him why he puts on this confusion.” Retell. The tone in which Claudius makes his demand conveys the extent to which he does not believe in Hamlets façade, and therefore, the interactions of Hamlet and Guildenstern and Claudius and Polonius have lead me to believe that Hamlet is not truly mad, and the Claudius did in fact kill Old Hamlet. Give your paragraphs a more definite conclusion. Thus, ______.
During the late middle ages, ghosts were, under any circumstance considered a bad omen and a consequence of the corruption of nature. Nice contextual info! But I don't think it works at the start of the paragraph - This sentence should be setting up the idea of the paragraph, the main theme. At first, all characters’ exhibit skepticism towards the ghost and his claims. They cannot willingly put their faith in omens of the devil or think evil of their king. Retell. However, interactions between the Ghost, Hamlet, Horatio, Marcellus and Bernardo serve to prove not only to the characters, but to myself, that the ghost is real and that Denmark is corrupt. Retell. Interactions between Hamlet and his inner self in the form of an existential crisis are explored within Shakespeare’s famous soliloquy’s. These soliloquies reveal hamlets confliction over weather his true duty is to stick to Old Testament expectations and do his duty to his father by avenging his unrightfull death, or to follow New Testament expectations and achieve his Fathers salvation through faith by trusting in God for guidance and allowing Claudius to live. Retell - But again good contextual links! Either way, Hamlet is caught in a cycle of corruption, action and inaction. He must make the conscious decision over weather or not to act, and no matter what he chooses, it is evident to myself that it will essentially further the corruption of Denmark. Retell - Read your last few sentences, see how it is really just retelling the story and analysing the plot? For a marker who knows the text, this gives them nothing new! Further interactions between castle guards Horatio, Marcellus and Bernardo with the ghost serve to prove its existence. Retell. Despite Hamlet being the only character to exchange dialogue directly with the ghost, dialogue between the castle guards regarding the ghost helps to reveal that it truly exists. At first, Horatio does not believe in the existence of the ghost, but upon seeing it with is own eyes he states; “Before my God, I might not this believe without the sensible and true avouch of mine own eyes.” Retell. Allusion, as seen here gives indirect reference to the belief that he now has, having seen the ghost with his own eyes, more proof for it’s existence than than he does for the existence of God himself. Try to put your technique and quote in the same sentence - It prevents getting to the end of the sentence and thinking, "Oh, she's missed the technique," like I just did. Putting it after the fact interrupts your flow! Seen through the interactions of Hamlet, the ghost, the castle guards, and through Shakespeare’s taking of the conventional puppet, humanizing it through interaction and christianising it through context, Shakespeare’s ghost is a character that can easily be identified as ‘real.’ I have come to believe that the ghost truly does exist as an omen of the corruption of the State of Denmark.
It is not stated directly whether or not Ophelia, the daughter of Polonius, is pregnant, although a number of key interactions and occurrences suggest to me that she is. Shortly after receiving a visit from a deranged Hamlet, Ophelia exchanges dialogue with her father, stating “Long stayed he so”, meaning that he had remained in her room for a rather long time. Retell - You don't need to explain the meaning of quotes to a marker. Despite the ambiguity of the situation, this suggests to me that Hamlet may have used this time to take Ophelia’s virtue and impregnate her. The interactions between Hamlet and Ophelia soon after his visit lead to Ophelia singing a song of unrequited love; “Before you tumbled me, you promis’d me to wed,” quoted by Ophelia. She then continues to sing; “So would I ha’done, by yonder sun, An thou hadst not come to my bed.” Techniques in these quotes? This interaction between Hamlet and Ophelia suggests that Hamlet had bribed Ophelia with the promise of marriage upon the terms that she lie with him. This proves to me that Hamlet did in fact take Ophelia’s virtue, although to determine whether or not she is pregnant, it is important to first consider her death. It appears to me that death is accepted by Ophelia as a gift from Mother Nature. Upon taking hold of the branch by the water, the interaction of faith and the wills of Mother Nature and Ophelia come into play. Mother Nature acts and the branch is snapped. Retell. The decision is then left to Ophelia as to weather she is to struggle (action) in an attempt to save herself, or to relax (inaction) and let the drowning happen in relation to the action vs inaction theory. Retell. My response to Ophelia’s death is that she made the conscious decision to accept her end on account of a number of struggles within her life. Ophelia’s previous intimate interactions with Hamlet lead me to believe that she did in fact commit suicide on account of being pregnant with his child, rather than over the death of her Father Polonius.
To me, Hamlet is a play about many things, but most importantly, it is a play about decisions. Despite the characters having to make a number of important decisions throughout the text, the most important decisions are made by the audience. Through the inclusion of both significant and insignificant characters and highlighting their interactions, Shakespeare has constructed a text in which interpretations and responses are left to the audience. In turn, this has caused me to make a number of judgments and has resulted in the formation of my own personal response to the play.
William Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ is constructed through the deliberate use of ambiguity and duality in the inclusion of characters who play less significant roles that that of the main characters and through emphasizing the ways in which these characters interact. I'm not quite clicking with the purpose of this Thesis, try simplifying it - Your focus is character interaction, say that in a much simpler way! One can see how through doing this, Shakespeare invites multiple interpretations from an audience. Through an in depth analysis of the play, deeper understandings of the characters and their various interactions can be developed, highlighting the ways in which Shakespeare has drawn upon idea’s such as the corruption of nature, paternal absence and appearance vs reality. Nice listing of themes you'll discuss - Is there a way you can link them all together? Try and justify them being in the same essay. In turn, these ideas are the cause of the manifestation of important questions, internal conflicts and the forming of my own conclusions, contributing greatly to the shaping of my personal response and a deepened understanding of the Elizabethan world. Again, try to be more direct - The first half of that sentence could just be "These ideas inspire important questions," or something similar. Simple is almost always better!
Upon the suspicious terms of his Fathers death, it takes Hamlet nothing more than a few simple interactions to convince himself that his Uncle come Father in-law is responsible. Retell - Don't waste words giving the reader plot details! Shakespeare’s carefully constructed Mis en Abyme – the play within the play encompasses the suggestive interactions of the players with the purpose of revealing Claudius’s guilt. The effective disposition results in Claudius’s sudden exit from the court performance – giving proof of his guilt over murdering the King. Retell. Besides this, the tension noticed between Hamlet, Claudius and Gertrude in their dialogue and interactions has lead me to believe that That Claudius did in fact kill Old Hamlet, and that on account of this, hamlet is not truly mad, but must instead fein the disguise of madness, a cloak under which he may effectively deceive the king. Try not to approach your analysis/personal response in a plot centred way - The question doesn't really want you to analyse what you think happened in the text or your opinions of the characters - It wants what you learn about the themes! How your understanding of the world has been improved. Things useful beyond the text itself. Hamlet’s vowed intention to “put an antic disposition” on the King through faking madness is a tactic that I find to be of great success. Retell. Through interaction with a range of characters, Shakespeare’s exploration of appearance vs reality in which Hamlet has fooled the masses, having them believe that his actions are a result of his madness can be seen in the dialogue exchanged with friend Guildenstern when stating that he is only “mad north-north-west,” an allegory in which he means that he is only partly mad – for the cause, and mostly sane. Good idea, good technique - What does the technique achieve? Try to explore the effects of the techniques you mention. Despite his efforts, Claudius and myself remain unconvinced of Hamlets madness. Through interactions with Polonius, Claudius reveals his disbelief through demanding “Get from him why he puts on this confusion.” Retell. The tone in which Claudius makes his demand conveys the extent to which he does not believe in Hamlets façade, and therefore, the interactions of Hamlet and Guildenstern and Claudius and Polonius have lead me to believe that Hamlet is not truly mad, and the Claudius did in fact kill Old Hamlet. Give your paragraphs a more definite conclusion. Thus, ______.
During the late middle ages, ghosts were, under any circumstance considered a bad omen and a consequence of the corruption of nature. Nice contextual info! But I don't think it works at the start of the paragraph - This sentence should be setting up the idea of the paragraph, the main theme. At first, all characters’ exhibit skepticism towards the ghost and his claims. They cannot willingly put their faith in omens of the devil or think evil of their king. Retell. However, interactions between the Ghost, Hamlet, Horatio, Marcellus and Bernardo serve to prove not only to the characters, but to myself, that the ghost is real and that Denmark is corrupt. Retell. Interactions between Hamlet and his inner self in the form of an existential crisis are explored within Shakespeare’s famous soliloquy’s. These soliloquies reveal hamlets confliction over weather his true duty is to stick to Old Testament expectations and do his duty to his father by avenging his unrightfull death, or to follow New Testament expectations and achieve his Fathers salvation through faith by trusting in God for guidance and allowing Claudius to live. Retell - But again good contextual links! Either way, Hamlet is caught in a cycle of corruption, action and inaction. He must make the conscious decision over weather or not to act, and no matter what he chooses, it is evident to myself that it will essentially further the corruption of Denmark. Retell - Read your last few sentences, see how it is really just retelling the story and analysing the plot? For a marker who knows the text, this gives them nothing new! Further interactions between castle guards Horatio, Marcellus and Bernardo with the ghost serve to prove its existence. Retell. Despite Hamlet being the only character to exchange dialogue directly with the ghost, dialogue between the castle guards regarding the ghost helps to reveal that it truly exists. At first, Horatio does not believe in the existence of the ghost, but upon seeing it with is own eyes he states; “Before my God, I might not this believe without the sensible and true avouch of mine own eyes.” Retell. Allusion, as seen here gives indirect reference to the belief that he now has, having seen the ghost with his own eyes, more proof for it’s existence than than he does for the existence of God himself. Try to put your technique and quote in the same sentence - It prevents getting to the end of the sentence and thinking, "Oh, she's missed the technique," like I just did. Putting it after the fact interrupts your flow! Seen through the interactions of Hamlet, the ghost, the castle guards, and through Shakespeare’s taking of the conventional puppet, humanizing it through interaction and christianising it through context, Shakespeare’s ghost is a character that can easily be identified as ‘real.’ I have come to believe that the ghost truly does exist as an omen of the corruption of the State of Denmark.
It is not stated directly whether or not Ophelia, the daughter of Polonius, is pregnant, although a number of key interactions and occurrences suggest to me that she is. Shortly after receiving a visit from a deranged Hamlet, Ophelia exchanges dialogue with her father, stating “Long stayed he so”, meaning that he had remained in her room for a rather long time. Retell - You don't need to explain the meaning of quotes to a marker. Despite the ambiguity of the situation, this suggests to me that Hamlet may have used this time to take Ophelia’s virtue and impregnate her. The interactions between Hamlet and Ophelia soon after his visit lead to Ophelia singing a song of unrequited love; “Before you tumbled me, you promis’d me to wed,” quoted by Ophelia. She then continues to sing; “So would I ha’done, by yonder sun, An thou hadst not come to my bed.” Techniques in these quotes? This interaction between Hamlet and Ophelia suggests that Hamlet had bribed Ophelia with the promise of marriage upon the terms that she lie with him. This proves to me that Hamlet did in fact take Ophelia’s virtue, although to determine whether or not she is pregnant, it is important to first consider her death. It appears to me that death is accepted by Ophelia as a gift from Mother Nature. Upon taking hold of the branch by the water, the interaction of faith and the wills of Mother Nature and Ophelia come into play. Mother Nature acts and the branch is snapped. Retell. The decision is then left to Ophelia as to weather she is to struggle (action) in an attempt to save herself, or to relax (inaction) and let the drowning happen in relation to the action vs inaction theory. Retell. My response to Ophelia’s death is that she made the conscious decision to accept her end on account of a number of struggles within her life. Ophelia’s previous intimate interactions with Hamlet lead me to believe that she did in fact commit suicide on account of being pregnant with his child, rather than over the death of her Father Polonius.
To me, Hamlet is a play about many things, but most importantly, it is a play about decisions. Despite the characters having to make a number of important decisions throughout the text, the most important decisions are made by the audience. Through the inclusion of both significant and insignificant characters and highlighting their interactions, Shakespeare has constructed a text in which interpretations and responses are left to the audience. In turn, this has caused me to make a number of judgments and has resulted in the formation of my own personal response to the play.
So I'll preface my feedback by saying that I don't know exactly what your task required you to do, whether it is different to a typical HSC essay. What you have done is explored parts of the plot, explaining why you think certain things about the plot and the characters. Sort of like, giving your take on ambiguities in the text. This is also done in the 1st person. This is not how you'd approach a typical HSC essay.
For a HSC essay, for a question on personal response, you're required to explain how your world view/understanding in a general sense, not just related to the text and its plot and its characters, has been altered. It is altered by the use of techniques in the text - So you provide examples of how techniques impact your understanding of certain key themes. This is done in the 3rd person, because although you are exploring a personal response, you still need to use academic language to do it.
Some comments that are relevant either way:
- You are giving me a lot of retell, explanation of the plot. Remember, your marker has read the text so these are empty words!
- I need more techniques and more explanation of what those techniques achieve!
- I need more conceptual analysis, meaning, themes and concepts. You introduce some great ones in your intro then you don't use them!
- Ensure your paragraphs start with a clear introduction that gives the purpose/theme of that paragraph, and that they end with one that concludes with clarity.
- You've done a good job including context in a few places, but since it is an area of concern, try doing it more! You need to look at how Shakespeare's context is evident in how he uses techniques and portrays concepts.
- Make sure your language is direct and simple - There were a few places (I spotted a few in the intro especially) where you used a lot of words, and it actually made you less clear, not more clear!
I hope this feedback helps ;D
Post by: legorgo18 on April 26, 2017, 07:30:41 pm
Post by: chloeannbarwick on April 26, 2017, 07:34:46 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 26, 2017, 07:48:00 pm
Hello, idk if this is the right section, but i would just want to give a huge thank you to elyse for marking my yeats essay! Just got my half yearly back and i got 19/20 for that essay omg!!! Tyvm <33333333 :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Legend!! Well done, what a stellar result ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 27, 2017, 04:30:43 am
Hello, idk if this is the right section, but i would just want to give a huge thank you to elyse for marking my yeats essay! Just got my half yearly back and i got 19/20 for that essay omg!!! Tyvm <33333333 :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
This is really kind of you to come back and post your result! But, I remember your essay and it was outstanding to begin with. I'm so happy for you! :)
Post by: selinayinz on April 27, 2017, 05:40:11 pm
How does a study of 1984 contribute to our understanding of the nature of power and control in Metropolis?
The strictly governed nature of a hierarchical society can reveal a sinister world of oppression and manipulation which is explored through a government’s abuse of power and control. Shaped by the events of 1948, George Orwell’s Juvenalian satire ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (‘1984’) critically addresses notions of totalitarian rule and the nature of oppression, condemning communist and fascist ideals which emerged and resulted in the Cold War in the 1930s. Influenced by his socialist ideals, Orwell presents a dystopic society dominated by a tyrannical government that creates a dystopic state. In addition, the 1927 science-fiction film ‘Metropolis’ by Fritz Lang further illustrates a divided society which is ruled by an authoritarian figure. The film expresses the epitome of German Expressionism, a modernist movement during the height of the Weimar Republic, defined by industrialism and a mechanized society. Both Orwell and Lang highlight the exploitation of the proletariat and the inherent abuse of power and control inciting an inevitable rebellion. Thus, the abusive qualities of government institutions can result in a manipulation of power and exploitation of control, explored through the Orwell and Lang’s alternate texts.
‘1984’ highlights the detriment of a totalitarian society, whereby free thought is controlled and public opinion is condemned and crushed through the media propaganda and manipulation of language. ‘Newspeak’ is utilised as a tyrannical device, symbolising the oppression of individuality and inhibition of thought. The absurdity of this notion allows Orwell to exaggerate the extent of the control that the government holds over the population, emphasised through the dialogue, “don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought?” Society is metaphorically “unconscious”, bound by extreme orthodoxy of thought and language. Individual liberty is corrupted; the population are strictly controlled by the propaganda symbol of Big Brother, analogous of Adolf Hitler. Additionally, the neologism of ‘double think’ solidifies the Party’s ability to override dissent, grasping control over society. This is exemplified within Winston’s desperate tone in “It exists in memory… you remember it,” to which O’Brien responds he does not, elucidating a sense of helplessness. The issue of propaganda and manipulation is further expressed within the ‘Two Minutes Hate’, an allusion to the German propaganda film ‘Triumph of the Will’, utilised to fuel anger towards the enemy. Therefore, the distortion of the truth through media and the reinvention of language reveals the menacing nature of totalitarian societies, highlighting the insatiable nature of power and control held by authorities.
Equivalent to the suppressed society of ‘1984’, Lang’s ‘Metropolis’ encapsulates the abuse of power through the oppressive authoritarian rule of subhuman class workers. A social divide is evident, established through a mise en scene depicting lines of people entering a cage-like elevator descending into the depths. Use of chiaroscuro lighting and dismal costuming of the workers holds negative connotations with their synchronised movements and bowed heads indicating sense of oppression and uniformity. Lang reveals the drastic disparities between the upper and lower classes through frivolous music paired with a long shot of the Club of Sons, juxtaposing the lavish utopia with the worker’s city. These literal levels of Metropolis illustrate the physical power structure and exploitation of the workers. Furthermore, a motif of machinery juxtaposes how workers are treated as expendable tools that exist to support the machines and the city above viewed in a mise en scene of the clock-man. The workers are juxtaposed to the disproportionate size of the machines, highlighting the reduction of humanity as a result of industrialist power abuse. The machine is personified as Moloch, established through a long shot paired with ominous music, metaphorically representing the oppression of the lower classes. A hell-like atmosphere is created, symbolizing the savage exploitation of labour as the workers are being fed into the machine. This is similar to the caricature of Winston as the ‘everyman’, a victim authoritarian abuse, who was consumed by the totalitarian state and transformed into an obedient servant. It is evident how social stratifications elevate a sense of control, as totalitarian states illustrate the abusive characteristic government figures.
Opposition to power and control is revealed through an intellectual recognition of the desire for individual autonomy, as revealed through Winston’s recognition of the value of personal identity. Orwell further explores extremes of control through the absurd neologism of ‘thought-crime’, in which independent dissident thoughts are considered an act of rebellion. Self-expression and individuality, fundamental to the human condition, are condemned by the Party, hyperbolised as insanity. Despite the attempt to control human nature, Winston’s diary is symbolic of his defiance of the system. Repetition of the maxim “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER,” highlights Winston’s rebellion against the Party, and his resistance to their control. Orwell highlights how absolute power and control leads to the complete reduction of humanity, represented through the anticlimactic destruction of Winston. This is juxtaposed to ‘Metropolis’, which explores a positive outcome from rebellion, overcoming the threat of authoritarian power and abolishing control in order to achieve equality within society. This is elevated through the doublethink incongruity of “2+2=5”. Winston’s metaphorical “victory over himself” alludes to the nihilistic notion of the destruction of all values; Orwell posits that rebellion does not lead to redemption, and warns that totalitarian regimes will consequently result in the loss of all moral and sane judgement. Thus, 1984 portrays how rebellion against power results in the extreme degradation of humanity, revealing the methodical process of destruction from power and control.
As a result of excessive power abuse, the usurping of authority can lead to a discovery of a connection and community, which surpasses power structures in society. This is demonstrated within Metropolis, in which Freder’s symbolic rejection of his father highlights his transcendence of socio-political structures that divide the classes. Further, Lang biblically alludes to Maria as a matriarchal figure of power, represented through use of religious iconography of the crucifix, who advocates for the unity of the “thinkers” and the “workers”. The peaceful nature of Maria is juxtaposed to false Maria, who is characterised as the follies of man (the Seven Sins), whose purpose was to divide society and stratify power structures. Avant-garde costuming is utilised to depict the false Maria as the Whore of Babylon and mother of abomination, foreshadowing the downfall of Metropolis, resulting in a literal and metaphorical loss of power in the industrialist city. The power struggle between the classes ironically results in a realisation of need for community and balance. Thus, the overriding of power and control reveals justice in society, depicted through the symbolic Mediator, who joins the opposing masses together. Freder vanquishes the divide of power, fulfilling his role as the Mediator “between the head and hands”, juxtaposed to Winston’s loss of identity due to failure to thwart the system. Lang emphasises that systematic rule can be overcome, and autocratic societies can be transformed, initiating new freedom and expelling the abusive institutions of power and control.
The synthesis of Lang and Orwell’s respective texts reveals the extent of power and control within totalitarian societies, revealed through the distortion of truth through media propaganda. The insatiable nature of power and control is further emphasised through social stratifications, which can ultimately lead to rebellion against authorities. Systematic rule and how it can transform negatively and positively is thus explored.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 27, 2017, 08:00:02 pm
I recently did this essay for Mod A, a comparative between 1984 and Metropolis. I got 18/20 whereas most members of my class got 19-20s. My teacher didnt offer me anything on how to improve it. Thanks in advance for the help!
Hey Selina! Thanks for posting your Essay - I can see you also posted a creative! Which would you like us to mark first? You'll need 30 posts to qualify for both to be marked ;D
Post by: pikachu975 on April 27, 2017, 08:09:41 pm
Spoiler
William Butler Yeats’ musical treatment of the universal concept of Time through highly allusive language enhances the timelessness of his poetry. In “The Wild Swans at Coole” (1919), Yeats observes the memorable swans at Coole Lake, exploring the realisation of his own mortality contrasted with the eternality and timelessness of nature. Furthermore, Yeats’ Modernist masterpiece, “The Second Coming” (1921), portrays his cyclical perspective of historical progression and its relationship with destruction. In addition, his mythical poem, “Leda and the Swan”, describes the inevitability and great impact of change over time through the rape of Leda by Zeus as the swan. Ultimately, Yeats’ effective use of allusive language and vivid images convey a particular Irish experience of Time, politics and change.
In “The Wild Swans at Coole”, Yeats embeds intimately his inherent mortality with the constancy of nature as he witnesses the swans fly away. Yeats utilises the Greater Romantic Lyric’s structured progression and rhyming scheme of ABCBDD to augment his continuous search for longingness. However, this is juxtaposed by the disturbed rhythm created from the rotating tetrameter, trimeter and pentameter, illustrating Yeats’ inability to place his mortality within nature’s enduring patterns. The subtle subversion of the traditional youthful beauty of summer, “autumn beauty” symbolises Yeats’ aging and gradual change to winter, whereas nature remains constant forever in its beauty. Furthermore, Yeats’ conscious shaping of the image of the persona “under the October twilight” conveys a detachment from the constancy of the sky. Yeats exemplifies his ageing when he uses the temporal indication, “The first time on this shore”, where the swans “Trod with a lighter tread”. The past tense verb used by Yeats conveys his old age as “All’s changed” since his first visit, contrasted by the swans who are “Unwearied still”. He also uses oxymoron to describe that his “heart is sore”, juxtaposed by the swans, whose “hearts have not grown old”. This illustrates Yeats’ yearning for everlasting life that the swans contain. Therefore, Yeats differentiates between his dwindling life span and the constancy of nature as he reflects on the unforgettable swans and their eternality as a species.
While time is presented with a contrast between human mortality and nature’s eternality in “The Wild Swans at Coole”, Yeats describes the inevitability of Time passing and civilisations changing and in particular, the ramifications of war in “The Second Coming”. His view of time and history being cyclical is presented through a negative anticipation of a collapse of society. His use of free verse, irregular iambic pentameter, and an aborted octave symbolise the downfall of society in preparation for the coming of a new one. The choice of future tense, “cannot” in “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold” connotes the fear for the future of society as the aristocratic system at the time was not sufficient. Furthermore, the allusion of “blood-dimmed tide is loosed” alludes to the flood and Noah’s ark, signifying the bloodshed of WW1, the Irish Civil War and the Russian revolution and their jarring impacts on society where a new epoch would be created followed by the destruction. In addition, the alliteration of ‘d’ in “darkness drops again” creates a deadening and brutal tone which portrays the destruction and chaos needed to reform society. The word ‘again’ also alludes to the first coming of Christ, which started a new era still ongoing today and thus, conveys Yeats’ idea of time and history being cyclical. Hence, the destruction associated with the Second Coming is described by Yeats as the precursor for the start of a new era, succeeding the “twenty centuries of stony sleep”.
However, Yeats presents a different perspective of Time in “Leda and the Swan”, as he reveals changes in society as being inevitable in history. Yeats makes use of both Petrarchan and Shakespearean sonnet form, whereby the dual forms representing how changes occur throughout time signified by the shift in form. The caesura in the opening line, “A sudden blow: the great wings beating still” allows for reflection on the idea that despite the devastating impact of events such as wars, time and society continue ‘beating still’. Furthermore, the past tense verbs: “caressed”, “caught”, “laid”, among the present tense of the poem, symbolises the sudden nature of changes in ideologies of society as time continues. Yeats details the consequences of these changes as “A shudder in the loins engenders there”, representing a major event occurring to society and connoting new life or ideals being sparked. In addition the war diction, “The broken wall, the burning roof and tower” alludes to the destruction and impact arising from changes that can cause the start of new epochs, as detailed in “The Second Coming”. Thus, Yeats’ poetic treatment of the mythological rape of Leda reveals the unpreventable changes and their significant impact on society.
Ultimately, Yeats’ extensive use of symbols and allusive language enhances the textual integrity of “The Wild Swans at Coole”, “The Second Coming”, and “Leda and the Swan”. It is through this that readers reflect on Yeats’ timeless poetry as they realise the relevance of its power in modern society where change is constantly happening.
In “The Wild Swans at Coole”, Yeats embeds intimately his inherent mortality with the constancy of nature as he witnesses the swans fly away. Yeats utilises the Greater Romantic Lyric’s structured progression and rhyming scheme of ABCBDD to augment his continuous search for longingness. However, this is juxtaposed by the disturbed rhythm created from the rotating tetrameter, trimeter and pentameter, illustrating Yeats’ inability to place his mortality within nature’s enduring patterns. The subtle subversion of the traditional youthful beauty of summer, “autumn beauty” symbolises Yeats’ aging and gradual change to winter, whereas nature remains constant forever in its beauty. Furthermore, Yeats’ conscious shaping of the image of the persona “under the October twilight” conveys a detachment from the constancy of the sky. Yeats exemplifies his ageing when he uses the temporal indication, “The first time on this shore”, where the swans “Trod with a lighter tread”. The past tense verb used by Yeats conveys his old age as “All’s changed” since his first visit, contrasted by the swans who are “Unwearied still”. He also uses oxymoron to describe that his “heart is sore”, juxtaposed by the swans, whose “hearts have not grown old”. This illustrates Yeats’ yearning for everlasting life that the swans contain. Therefore, Yeats differentiates between his dwindling life span and the constancy of nature as he reflects on the unforgettable swans and their eternality as a species.
While time is presented with a contrast between human mortality and nature’s eternality in “The Wild Swans at Coole”, Yeats describes the inevitability of Time passing and civilisations changing and in particular, the ramifications of war in “The Second Coming”. His view of time and history being cyclical is presented through a negative anticipation of a collapse of society. His use of free verse, irregular iambic pentameter, and an aborted octave symbolise the downfall of society in preparation for the coming of a new one. The choice of future tense, “cannot” in “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold” connotes the fear for the future of society as the aristocratic system at the time was not sufficient. Furthermore, the allusion of “blood-dimmed tide is loosed” alludes to the flood and Noah’s ark, signifying the bloodshed of WW1, the Irish Civil War and the Russian revolution and their jarring impacts on society where a new epoch would be created followed by the destruction. In addition, the alliteration of ‘d’ in “darkness drops again” creates a deadening and brutal tone which portrays the destruction and chaos needed to reform society. The word ‘again’ also alludes to the first coming of Christ, which started a new era still ongoing today and thus, conveys Yeats’ idea of time and history being cyclical. Hence, the destruction associated with the Second Coming is described by Yeats as the precursor for the start of a new era, succeeding the “twenty centuries of stony sleep”.
However, Yeats presents a different perspective of Time in “Leda and the Swan”, as he reveals changes in society as being inevitable in history. Yeats makes use of both Petrarchan and Shakespearean sonnet form, whereby the dual forms representing how changes occur throughout time signified by the shift in form. The caesura in the opening line, “A sudden blow: the great wings beating still” allows for reflection on the idea that despite the devastating impact of events such as wars, time and society continue ‘beating still’. Furthermore, the past tense verbs: “caressed”, “caught”, “laid”, among the present tense of the poem, symbolises the sudden nature of changes in ideologies of society as time continues. Yeats details the consequences of these changes as “A shudder in the loins engenders there”, representing a major event occurring to society and connoting new life or ideals being sparked. In addition the war diction, “The broken wall, the burning roof and tower” alludes to the destruction and impact arising from changes that can cause the start of new epochs, as detailed in “The Second Coming”. Thus, Yeats’ poetic treatment of the mythological rape of Leda reveals the unpreventable changes and their significant impact on society.
Ultimately, Yeats’ extensive use of symbols and allusive language enhances the textual integrity of “The Wild Swans at Coole”, “The Second Coming”, and “Leda and the Swan”. It is through this that readers reflect on Yeats’ timeless poetry as they realise the relevance of its power in modern society where change is constantly happening.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 27, 2017, 08:36:37 pm
I'm not sure if a question is required for feedback but I've written a general Yeats essay on 3 poems for an assessment task (specified Wild Swans at Coole and at least 1 other) and it's only 850 words because I need to add some critical voice/commentary and probably some more quotes in places. I'd mainly like to know where to improve some clarity of expression or making clearer arguments/ideas. Also maybe some better topic sentences or connectives/linking words throughout to help flow. Thanks in advance!
You need 15 posts for feedback, you've got that! You're on the list! ;D you should have some feedback in the next couple of days :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 27, 2017, 10:58:44 pm
Hi I was wondering if I could have some help making my response succinct without losing content. I was also wondering if I could have some help in applying what my teacher said. I was also hoping to get an indication of how well I'm fulfilling this assessment's marking key so I can improve it :D
I asked my teacher 'I was also wondering in our responses do we need to reference specific aspects of the text? Do we need to draw attention to concepts like Big Brother or specific passages, or is it enough for this kind of response to talk about the themes in general?' I asked these questions after Elyse pointed it out in paragraph 1 of my response
She said that: If you read the question (2) carefully, you will realise that this question is much broader than the one given for your journal and as such, you are able to examine it from different cultural contexts such as the Western context vs Middle Eastern context OR/AND contexts that have changed over time such as how values and attitudes have changed (marriage, romance, etc) over the centuries within the same society. You may select 2 audiences as I have said in class as long as you are convinced that you have adequate content to convince your marker of your critical understanding of the question.
In English, regardless of the focus (themes, etc), IT IS IMPERATIVE YOU MUST MAKE SPECIFIC REFERENCES TO THE TEXT. Without which, how do you convey to the marker the depth of your reading and interpretation of a text? Never indulge in general discussions in the RESPONDING SECTION of the exam in which you would find such a question as it comprises 40% of the mark and general discussion is not going to cut it.
Feedback is greatly appreciated :D
Hey! I'll do my best, though the way your teacher responded to your question makes me think that you are being asked something quite different to what is required in the HSC. But I'll see what I can do :)
Spoiler
2. Discuss how and why different audiences/readers may make different meanings of one text you have studied.
George Orwell’s dystopian narrative ‘1984’ can be interpreted in numerous ways due to differing historical contexts and cultural backgrounds in regards to the political influences of differing governments on the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance. Orwell’s intent was for his narrative ‘1984’ to serve as a warning to his readers towards the danger of totalitarianism and the possible consequences just after World War 2. What specifically about this context was he exploring? Chances are the Cold War would be worth a mention. However, this intent can evoke different responses from various audience groups and differ in the extent certain ideas and issues portrayed are explored. To people living during a period in which tyranny was a reality, Orwell’s warning may evoke a response of fear and acknowledgement to the daunting reminder that Communism could potentially become a driving force that permeates the way of life bringing about hardship and suffering. Good. To others, such as contemporary readers in the 21st century, Orwell’s warning about the threat of Communism may simply be looked upon as a relic of the past with readers responding with a lack of understanding and appreciation. Excellent, you are showing a solid understanding of how the audience response will change based on their context. These numerous responses develop from different attitudes, values and beliefs promoted within differing contexts. Don't need this sentence, you established this idea already. However, in both ‘1984’ and in reality a clear relationship involving trust and obedience with politics is similarly constructed in both texts allowing the audience to draw parallels within the concept of democracy. In addition, it appears as though modern readers are able to delve deeper into ‘1984’ and apply their knowledge to reality than contemporary readers. I'd add "of Orwell's context" to the end of that text, for clarity.
Vulnerable individuals living in the 20th century may have a greater understanding of Orwell’s warning about the threat of totalitarianism. The fact that Orwell lived through two world wars and saw the rise of totalitarian regimes on an unprecedented scale that included tyranny in Spain, Germany and the Soviet Union during his lifetime greatly influenced his inspiration for ‘1984’. Good contextual information. In these countries, people subjected to hunger and forced labor over time often began to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life under a dictated reign in history. This is reflective of a passive attitude established in ‘1984’ to be one of obedience towards ultimate authority and the belief that citizens under a dictated should be subjected complete political power and authority regardless of personal will. In particular the ritual ‘the two minutes hate’ described in 1984’ was effectively a brainwashing session designed to use the collective rage of the citizens of Oceania against supposed "enemies of the Party" to strengthen the Party's position and redirect their anger away from the Party itself. The use of videos of supposed enemies allows the Party to manipulate and direct the people’s anger and rage they may feel from the lack of control over their own lives towards a fictional enemy created by the ‘Party’ to control an individual’s personal will as to who they should hate. I do think this is too much plot detail, but perhaps given your teachers comments, it isn't? I can't be sure. I'd try to compress this detail into a single sentence at least. In addition, the fact that modern politicians are able to invent an enemy by manipulating the public rage and anger towards that enemy using media reinforces the terrifying consequence in misplacing unquestioned trust in politics without exercising one’s own critical thinking and enforcing an individual’s personal will. This knowledge reinforces the passive attitude of obedience towards authority, the value of survival and the belief that absolute obedience will increase one’s chances of survival in a time of tyranny in history and in ‘1984’. Ultimately, the value of freedom and the value of life in the minds of individuals held captive by totalitarianism are eventually erased in ‘1984’. Could this be worth another paragraph? I feel the idea has shifted quite a bit from where we started. Eventually, citizens of Oceania only have one priority: to be obedient and survive. Orwell’s warning is therefore considered to be one of importance to individuals who fear the danger of communism being a potential driving force that permeates their own way of life bring about hardships and suffering as seen in Stalin’s reign and in ‘1984’. Furthermore, vulnerable people fearing the prospect of living under a dictated reign are likely to respond to Orwell’s warning of the threat of Communism with seriousness and fear. I feel you haven't done as effective a job at identifying audiences and how they respond in different ways - This seems like a much more general discussion, not focused on particular audiences and contexts.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century may respond to Orwell’s warning about the threat of Communism with a lack of seriousness and appreciation. Orwell’s warning can evoke such a response from this audience group because first world countries such as America are typically associated with being a western country that is either capitalist and/or democratic in which numerous privileges are taken for granted as rights. Try to link this specifically to a response to something in the text... This leads them to view aspects of the text, such as ______, with disdain, disbelief and disconnection. Or something. Alternatively, modern readers may respond to the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and may respond with seriousness. Why? It is a assumed democratic belief that people should have access to universal rights and it is from this belief that a spoilt and conceited attitude is established towards the value and belief of accessing these freedoms and rights. The threat of communism is not perceived to be a driving force that can influence a contemporary reader’s way of life but rather a relic of the past rather than a pressing issue. However, issues that arise from the concept of communism are applicable to modern society to a greater relation to contemporary readers than to the contemporary's of the text ‘1984’. The idea of surveillance on a person without their content or awareness simultaneously conveys the betrayal of trust placed in the government to be manipulated in such a way to control its citizens. Following Edward Snowden revealing a massive surveillance program in which the US National Security Agency (NSA) could monitor the cellphone and internet activity of US citizens the sales of 1984 spiked by about 7,000% according to a survey by Pew Research Center. Effective use of a contextual example there. This recent revelation of the United States’ domestic surveillance operations further supports the eerie realisation that the distant future George Orwell imagined in ‘1984’ may not be as distant as first believed. In reality the technological possibilities of surveillance and data collection and storage in modern society surpasses what Orwell imagined. Be careful, this is getting a little too emotive. Keep things objective. In particular, Orwell’s idea in describing the extent technology can be used as invasive spyware prying into an individual’s privacy without that individual’s awareness or permission is subtly present in reality.The realisation that telescreens and microphones used in 1984 are eerily similar to televisions, microphones and CCTV’s that exist in modern society evokes a sense of unease. For the audience - You are doing a personal (and emotive) response right now, swap back to analysing responses of different audiences. Furthermore, just the thought of modern CCTV’s being used in society to spy on people without their knowledge and consent sends shivers down my spine as a contemporary reader living in the 21st century. Again, too emotive, keep things objective. This further reinforces the idea and knowledge that modern technology is eerily similar to the complicated mechanisms used to psychologically manipulate and control the minds of the people of Oceania by inducing paranoia and fear. In addition, a modern reader’s possible lack of seriousness and fear towards Orwell’s warning in ‘1984’ reflects a mindset that pictures communism as a foreign idea will never happen in the reality and that freedoms are simply rights rather than privileges. However, in reality a modern reader may respond to the increasing prevalence of ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness. You focused a lot on the modern reader here, perhaps a little imbalanced?
Furthermore, individuals whom lived in fear of oppression and tyranny stemmed from the aftermath of war and manipulation will inevitably respond towards Orwell’s dystopian narrative with seriousness and alertness as they are aware of the dangers and the suffering experienced by those oppressed by tyranny in neighbouring countries. As a result of contrasting historical and cultural contexts across various audience groups and individuals, responses and meanings towards Orwell’s warning in the narrative ‘1984’ are distinctly differ. The contrasting values, beliefs and attitudes promoted within varying contexts can influence and shape one’s interpretation of a text.
George Orwell’s dystopian narrative ‘1984’ can be interpreted in numerous ways due to differing historical contexts and cultural backgrounds in regards to the political influences of differing governments on the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance. Orwell’s intent was for his narrative ‘1984’ to serve as a warning to his readers towards the danger of totalitarianism and the possible consequences just after World War 2. What specifically about this context was he exploring? Chances are the Cold War would be worth a mention. However, this intent can evoke different responses from various audience groups and differ in the extent certain ideas and issues portrayed are explored. To people living during a period in which tyranny was a reality, Orwell’s warning may evoke a response of fear and acknowledgement to the daunting reminder that Communism could potentially become a driving force that permeates the way of life bringing about hardship and suffering. Good. To others, such as contemporary readers in the 21st century, Orwell’s warning about the threat of Communism may simply be looked upon as a relic of the past with readers responding with a lack of understanding and appreciation. Excellent, you are showing a solid understanding of how the audience response will change based on their context. These numerous responses develop from different attitudes, values and beliefs promoted within differing contexts. Don't need this sentence, you established this idea already. However, in both ‘1984’ and in reality a clear relationship involving trust and obedience with politics is similarly constructed in both texts allowing the audience to draw parallels within the concept of democracy. In addition, it appears as though modern readers are able to delve deeper into ‘1984’ and apply their knowledge to reality than contemporary readers. I'd add "of Orwell's context" to the end of that text, for clarity.
Vulnerable individuals living in the 20th century may have a greater understanding of Orwell’s warning about the threat of totalitarianism. The fact that Orwell lived through two world wars and saw the rise of totalitarian regimes on an unprecedented scale that included tyranny in Spain, Germany and the Soviet Union during his lifetime greatly influenced his inspiration for ‘1984’. Good contextual information. In these countries, people subjected to hunger and forced labor over time often began to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life under a dictated reign in history. This is reflective of a passive attitude established in ‘1984’ to be one of obedience towards ultimate authority and the belief that citizens under a dictated should be subjected complete political power and authority regardless of personal will. In particular the ritual ‘the two minutes hate’ described in 1984’ was effectively a brainwashing session designed to use the collective rage of the citizens of Oceania against supposed "enemies of the Party" to strengthen the Party's position and redirect their anger away from the Party itself. The use of videos of supposed enemies allows the Party to manipulate and direct the people’s anger and rage they may feel from the lack of control over their own lives towards a fictional enemy created by the ‘Party’ to control an individual’s personal will as to who they should hate. I do think this is too much plot detail, but perhaps given your teachers comments, it isn't? I can't be sure. I'd try to compress this detail into a single sentence at least. In addition, the fact that modern politicians are able to invent an enemy by manipulating the public rage and anger towards that enemy using media reinforces the terrifying consequence in misplacing unquestioned trust in politics without exercising one’s own critical thinking and enforcing an individual’s personal will. This knowledge reinforces the passive attitude of obedience towards authority, the value of survival and the belief that absolute obedience will increase one’s chances of survival in a time of tyranny in history and in ‘1984’. Ultimately, the value of freedom and the value of life in the minds of individuals held captive by totalitarianism are eventually erased in ‘1984’. Could this be worth another paragraph? I feel the idea has shifted quite a bit from where we started. Eventually, citizens of Oceania only have one priority: to be obedient and survive. Orwell’s warning is therefore considered to be one of importance to individuals who fear the danger of communism being a potential driving force that permeates their own way of life bring about hardships and suffering as seen in Stalin’s reign and in ‘1984’. Furthermore, vulnerable people fearing the prospect of living under a dictated reign are likely to respond to Orwell’s warning of the threat of Communism with seriousness and fear. I feel you haven't done as effective a job at identifying audiences and how they respond in different ways - This seems like a much more general discussion, not focused on particular audiences and contexts.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century may respond to Orwell’s warning about the threat of Communism with a lack of seriousness and appreciation. Orwell’s warning can evoke such a response from this audience group because first world countries such as America are typically associated with being a western country that is either capitalist and/or democratic in which numerous privileges are taken for granted as rights. Try to link this specifically to a response to something in the text... This leads them to view aspects of the text, such as ______, with disdain, disbelief and disconnection. Or something. Alternatively, modern readers may respond to the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and may respond with seriousness. Why? It is a assumed democratic belief that people should have access to universal rights and it is from this belief that a spoilt and conceited attitude is established towards the value and belief of accessing these freedoms and rights. The threat of communism is not perceived to be a driving force that can influence a contemporary reader’s way of life but rather a relic of the past rather than a pressing issue. However, issues that arise from the concept of communism are applicable to modern society to a greater relation to contemporary readers than to the contemporary's of the text ‘1984’. The idea of surveillance on a person without their content or awareness simultaneously conveys the betrayal of trust placed in the government to be manipulated in such a way to control its citizens. Following Edward Snowden revealing a massive surveillance program in which the US National Security Agency (NSA) could monitor the cellphone and internet activity of US citizens the sales of 1984 spiked by about 7,000% according to a survey by Pew Research Center. Effective use of a contextual example there. This recent revelation of the United States’ domestic surveillance operations further supports the eerie realisation that the distant future George Orwell imagined in ‘1984’ may not be as distant as first believed. In reality the technological possibilities of surveillance and data collection and storage in modern society surpasses what Orwell imagined. Be careful, this is getting a little too emotive. Keep things objective. In particular, Orwell’s idea in describing the extent technology can be used as invasive spyware prying into an individual’s privacy without that individual’s awareness or permission is subtly present in reality.The realisation that telescreens and microphones used in 1984 are eerily similar to televisions, microphones and CCTV’s that exist in modern society evokes a sense of unease. For the audience - You are doing a personal (and emotive) response right now, swap back to analysing responses of different audiences. Furthermore, just the thought of modern CCTV’s being used in society to spy on people without their knowledge and consent sends shivers down my spine as a contemporary reader living in the 21st century. Again, too emotive, keep things objective. This further reinforces the idea and knowledge that modern technology is eerily similar to the complicated mechanisms used to psychologically manipulate and control the minds of the people of Oceania by inducing paranoia and fear. In addition, a modern reader’s possible lack of seriousness and fear towards Orwell’s warning in ‘1984’ reflects a mindset that pictures communism as a foreign idea will never happen in the reality and that freedoms are simply rights rather than privileges. However, in reality a modern reader may respond to the increasing prevalence of ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness. You focused a lot on the modern reader here, perhaps a little imbalanced?
Furthermore, individuals whom lived in fear of oppression and tyranny stemmed from the aftermath of war and manipulation will inevitably respond towards Orwell’s dystopian narrative with seriousness and alertness as they are aware of the dangers and the suffering experienced by those oppressed by tyranny in neighbouring countries. As a result of contrasting historical and cultural contexts across various audience groups and individuals, responses and meanings towards Orwell’s warning in the narrative ‘1984’ are distinctly differ. The contrasting values, beliefs and attitudes promoted within varying contexts can influence and shape one’s interpretation of a text.
I think you've responded to the criteria quite well in the first paragraph! Less so in the second and third paragraph, read it back, you'll notice the difference in how you approached it. Watch the emotive language in the third paragraph. To cut down and make your response more succinct, focus on keeping your plot details minimised. Further, try to put more structure into your sentences: "This audience will respond in this way and this is why." If all your sentences follow some version of that template, you'll be less likely to include unimportant information, and it will make your response clearer! :)
Post by: Nialllovespie on April 28, 2017, 03:32:12 pm
I was wondering if I could get my T.S Eliot essay for Mod B marked?
34 Techniques
Word Count: 1214
Poetry enables an author to link the fundamental relationship between their contextual origins to the enduring value of the universal themes they explore during the construction of their composed texts. T.S Eliot’s poems, ‘The Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock’ (henceforth Love Song) and ‘Preludes’ explore recurring themes and values including modernity and meaning, consequently from the ontological crisis prevalent during his society. Eliot portrays the human experience as tensions between the individual and society by rejecting traditional and structural language features, a characteristic that had become dominant in Modern literature. Therefore, it enables Eliot’s audience to explore predicaments common to the human psyche whilst anticipating new perspectives regarding our role and significance within a contemporary society.
The ubiquitous and oppressive role of modernity has a corrosive impact on the relationships between individuals and society. The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock was prompted by Eliot's reaction to the rapid increase of industrialisation that created a loss of connection between individuals, a feature of enduring relevance to today's society. The intertextual reference to Shakespeare’s Hamlet exposes Eliot’s self degradation, amplified through the caesura ‘No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was I meant to be’ highlighting the paralyzing effects of modern world social expectations on the human psyche. Prince Hamlet’s significance is juxtaposed to Prufrock degrading his self worth through the metatheatrical language of an ‘attendant lord’ consequently from the lack of meaning sought in his life. Prufrock articulates the challenges involved with self presentation in order to conform to the superficiality of social conventions as he rhetorically questions “Shall I part my hair behind/ Do I dare eat a peach?” acknowledging that failure to decode these social conventions will leave the individual disconnected from society. The visual imagery and metonymy of “there will be time/ To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet” enables Eliot to reveal the truth of meeting people, where nobody projects their real inner self to the world, instead we are “prepared”. Love Song explores the thematic concerns regarding modernity and the impact it has on individual lives, an enduring concept during Eliot’s lifetime and invariably our own.
Contrasting with Love Song, Preludes expresses the notion of modernity, through urban deterioration, characterised by the mundane and repetitive nature of living. Eliot's use of an authoritative tone through the second person narration in “you tossed a blanket from the bed/you lay upon your back, and waited” enables Eliot to encapsulate the reader into the dirty, dull industrialised city as a result of urban deterioration. A key facet of the Modernist agenda includes the monotony of lives, portrayed through the rhyme of “passageways - days”, “wraps -scraps” and “lots - pots” emphasising the uniformity of individual's lives thus imbuing his texts with universal and immutable relevance. The fragmentation and connotations of poverty in “Burnt out ends of smoke days...the grimy scraps…” creates a somber tone and exposes the filthiness of the industrialised city and by extension, foreshadows to the futuristic condition of world cities. In addition, the sense of dullness and filthiness prevalent in the city is further conveyed through the accumulation of descriptive imagery in “burnt-out”, “gusty”, “grimy”, “withered” and “broken” as Eliot describes his perspective of the city landscape post-industrialisation. The use of enjambment in “one thinks of all the hands that are raising dingy shades in a thousand furnished rooms” conveys individuals trapped in the repetitive nature of life and connotes the increasing gap between individuals as social media and technology impedes communication within society similarly to the way the theme modernity is demonstrated throughout Love Song. The consequences of modernity regarding urban deterioration can be seen though the inability of society to thrive during the post-war industrial era which led to Eliot poetically expressing his enduring concerns still relevant to today.
The search for meaning is a multifaceted issue, impacting the fundamental relationship between an individual and their interaction with the world. Love song, written as a dramatic monologue with fragmented thoughts exposes Eliot's search for meaning in life, through the persona Prufrock. Eliot's ambiguous pronouns of ‘let us go then you and I’ invites the audience to form their own subjective interpretations and values regarding the search for meaning in life. Prufrock's sense of inadequacy, is presented through voiceless alveolar in “To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?” conveying the fluctuating nature of his thinking as he is unable to find meaning within life whilst trapped in a society of flux. Eliot’s concluding epiphany “Til human voices wake us, and we drown” suggests the subconscious notion that once an individual realises that the idealistic views of traditional Romanticism are unattainable and that our external identities are superficially judged by a pretentious society, your internal persona accepts life as meaningless.. The visual imagery of Prufrock ‘combing the white hair of the waves blown back’ manifests his old, weary self lacking meaning in life, through the diction portraying his decaying environment, similarly to the urban deterioration in Preludes. Prufrock, having ‘measured’ his life as ‘coffee spoons’ serves to amplify his nihilistic views and lack of meaning in life through the menotomy of ‘coffee spoons’ representing his years. It is through the lack of meaning in life that individuals struggle to find connections with individuals, a concern persistent in society as a result of the increasing industrialisation.
Similarly to Love Song, Preludes also challenges the search for meaning in life through a persona who lacks connection with individuals. The persona’s search for meaning in life is evident through the parallelistic isocolon in ‘some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing’ denoting the little hope he has amounted. The juxtaposition of the pleasant imagery in ‘infinitely gentle’ contrasted to the brutal tone of the ‘infinitely suffering thing’ conforms to the harsh reality that despite all his efforts, Eliot will never find meaning in life. The sensory imagery of the ‘withered leaves about your feet’ uses assonance to accentuate the lack of meaning in life and alludes to the dying nature in modern society, consequently from deforestation and industrialisation. Eliot’s use of enjambment in “one thinks of all the hands that are raising dingy shades in a thousand furnished rooms” conveys individuals trapped in the repetitive nature of their lives, thus unable to find meaning in life. In addition, the dull imagery of ‘dingy shades’ creates a sombre tone to highlight the lack of meaning in life whilst connoting the increasing gap between individuals as social media and technology impedes communication within society hence creating their inability to find a source meaning. Therefore, it is clear that Preludes explores the thematic concern of meaning, an important aspect of the human psyche with enduring relevance to today’s society.
Eliot’s poems, ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘Preludes’ express the universal themes of modernity and meaning, both prevalent thematic concerns arising during the construction of Eliot’s oeuvres. Eliot comments on the current state of society by presenting the fundamental relationship between individuals and the community which enables him to provide his audiences with new and enduring perspectives regarding their role and significance. The reaction of his readers will encourage them to change the unfulfilling ways we go about our daily lives by altering their meaning of life and understanding the effects of industrialisation on the human psyche.
Thanks in advanced!!
Nia
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 28, 2017, 05:50:10 pm
I'm not sure if a question is required for feedback but I've written a general Yeats essay on 3 poems for an assessment task (specified Wild Swans at Coole and at least 1 other) and it's only 850 words because I need to add some critical voice/commentary and probably some more quotes in places. I'd mainly like to know where to improve some clarity of expression or making clearer arguments/ideas. Also maybe some better topic sentences or connectives/linking words throughout to help flow. Thanks in advance!
Hey there! We can definitely give you feedback on this I studied Yeats so I always enjoy giving feedback on these essays.
Spoiler
William Butler Yeats’ musical Not so sure about this – musical is in some ways synonymous with creative and artistic, but I think the connotations of a non-written form are too strong to use it here. treatment of the universal concept of Timethis doesn’t need to be capitalised. through highly allusive language enhances the timelessness of his poetry. I do love the idea of time though – what a great point of exploration! In “The Wild Swans at Coole” (1919), Yeats observes the memorable swans at Coole Lake, exploring the realisation of his own mortality contrasted with the eternality and timelessness of nature. Furthermore, Yeats’ Modernist masterpiece, “The Second Coming” (1921), portrays his cyclical perspective of historical progression and its relationship with destruction. Absolutely love this sentence! In addition, his mythical poem, “Leda and the Swan”, describes the inevitability and great impact of change over time through the rape of Leda by Zeus as the swan. Ultimately, Yeats’ effective use of allusive language and vivid images conveys a particular Irish experience of Time, politics and change. Again, no need to capitalise time – but I love these last four words. Excellent links to explore later on!
In “The Wild Swans at Coole”, Yeats embeds intimately his inherent mortality with the constancy of nature as he witnesses the swans fly away. Yeats utilises the Greater Romantic Lyric’s structured progression and rhyming scheme of ABCBDD to augment his continuous search for longingness. However, ”However” breaks the flow and isn’t necessary here this is juxtaposed by the disturbed rhythm created from the rotating tetrameter, trimeter and pentameter, illustrating Yeats’ inability to place his mortality within nature’s enduring patterns. The subtle subversion of the traditional youthful beauty of summer, “autumn beauty” symbolises Yeats’ aging and gradual change to winter, whereas nature remains constant forever in its beauty. Furthermore, Yeats’ conscious shaping of the image of the persona “under the October twilight” conveys a detachment from the constancy of the sky. Yeats exemplifies his ageing when he uses the temporal indication, “The first time on this shore”, where the swans “Trod with a lighter tread”. The past tense verb used by Yeats conveys his old age as “All’s changed” since his first visit, contrasted by the swans who are “Unwearied still”. Punctuation sits inside the quotation mark – not outside. But, I think this is a really good example of embedding the technique and the quote so seamlessly in a sentence! He also uses ”He also uses” is quite colloquial and I think it detracts from the otherwise great tone you’ve established. oxymoron to describe that his “heart is sore”, juxtaposed by the swans, whose “hearts have not grown old”. This illustrates Yeats’ yearning for everlasting life that the swans contain. Therefore, Yeats differentiates between his dwindling life span and the constancy of nature as he reflects on the unforgettable swans and their eternality as a species. You’ve very thoroughly analysed the text and I think it’s great the way you’ve managed to embed quotes so seamlessly! Where I do think you can improve is in the way you look to the “response” that Module B requires. I know you mentioned wanting to add more quotes, but I don’t think adding quotes from the text is needed here, you’ve done such a great job with that already. Module B is unique because it requires a “response” – without using the first person, you’re supposed to espouse the view of a responder to the text and address the way the text has transcended time. So, you’ve done an amazing job at dealing with the text and you’ve both explicitly and implicitly dealt with the topic of time which is wonderful. But, what is it that makes this relevant? If you want to say the content of the text makes it relevant, let’s look at how the struggle between youth and age is one constant to the human experience. If you want to take the angle of saying the delivery of the poem is what helps it to transcend time, I’d take on the angle that poetry is an accessible vehicle for tapping into emotions and experiences – and Yeats’ high textual integrity makes this possible. When you add scholars, you’ll likely be forced to talk about this kind of thing anyway so it won’t be too much of a jump to add these things in!
While time is presented with a contrast between human mortality and nature’s eternality in “The Wild Swans at Coole”, Yeats describes the inevitability of Time passing and civilisations changing and in particular, the ramifications of war in “The Second Coming”. Another amazing sentence. Really love the way you’ve dealt with the two poems in the one sentence without being bulky. His view of time and history being cyclical is presented through a negative anticipation of a collapse of society. His use of free verse, irregular iambic pentameter, and an aborted octave symbolise the downfall of society in preparation for the coming of a new one. The choice of future tense, “cannot” in “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold” connotes the fear for the future of society as the aristocratic system at the time was not sufficient. Furthermore, the allusion of “blood-dimmed tide is loosed” alludes to the flood and Noah’s ark, signifying the bloodshed of WW1, the Irish Civil War and the Russian revolution and their jarring impacts on society where a new epoch would be created followed by the destruction. In addition, the alliteration of ‘d’ in “darkness drops again” creates a deadening and brutal tone which portrays the destruction and chaos needed to reform society. The word ‘again’ also alludes to the first coming of Christ, which started a new era still ongoing today and thus, conveys Yeats’ idea of time and history being cyclical. Hence, the destruction associated with the Second Coming is described by Yeats as the precursor for the start of a new era, succeeding the “twenty centuries of stony sleep”. I have the same comments for this paragraph as the one above. Beautiful work in connecting the text with the purpose, but it can be improved with linking to the Module B requirement of “response” which will likely fall into place when you bring the scholars in as you intend.
However, No need for “however” here. Yeats presents a different perspective of Time in “Leda and the Swan”, as he reveals changes in society as being inevitable in history. Yeats makes use of both Petrarchan and Shakespearean sonnet form, whereby the dual forms representing how changes occur throughout time signified by the shift in form. The caesura in the opening line, “A sudden blow: the great wings beating still” allows for reflection on the idea that despite the devastating impact of events such as wars, time and society continue ‘beating still’. Furthermore, the past tense verbs: “caressed”, “caught”, “laid”, among the present tense of the poem, symbolises the sudden nature of changes in ideologies of society as time continues. Yeats details the consequences of these changes as “A shudder in the loins engenders there”, representing a major event occurring to society and connoting new life or ideals being sparked. In addition the war diction, “The broken wall, the burning roof and tower” alludes to the destruction and impact arising from changes that can cause the start of new epochs, as detailed in “The Second Coming”. Thus, Yeats’ poetic treatment of the mythological rape of Leda reveals the unpreventable changes and their significant impact on society. And how does this remain relevant? How has this concept of time remained useful, or relevant, after the composition of the play? How have people received this poem? Is this poem accessible because of modern circumstances or is it accessible because of its poetic creation?
Ultimately, Yeats’ extensive use of symbols and allusive language enhances the textual integrity of “The Wild Swans at Coole”, “The Second Coming”, and “Leda and the Swan”. Love that you used textual integrity here. It is through this that readers reflect on Yeats’ timeless poetry as they realise the relevance of its power in modern society where change is constantly happening. This last sentence is a little weak – “where change is constantly happening” sounds a little too colloquial. This is an opportunity to link to the “response” by connecting contexts, so make it worth it! I think, “Yeats’ timeless poetry as the theme change that permeate the poems persist as relevant in the modern courses of time.” Change the wording as you wish, I’m just throwing something out there as a suggestion for improving the last sentence so you go out with a bang!
The bulk of what I have to say sits within the comments! I think you deal with the texts well, you undoubtedly have a really good grasp on them. What I do think needs some dedication is addressing the “response” that Module B requires – and as you’ve already identified, this will likely come through quite naturally when you incorporate the scholars. It won’t be enough to simply quote the scholars, you’ll need to embed the ideas with your own to create an opinion on the way Yeats has treated ideas of relevance both then and now. Hopefully this all makes sense, let me know if I can help any more :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 29, 2017, 11:19:29 am
I was a bit confused about what you meant about
You focused a lot on the modern reader here, perhaps a little imbalanced?
Hey! I'll do my best, though the way your teacher responded to your question makes me think that you are being asked something quite different to what is required in the HSC. But I'll see what I can do :)Spoiler2. Discuss how and why different audiences/readers may make different meanings of one text you have studied.
George Orwell’s dystopian narrative ‘1984’ can be interpreted in numerous ways due to differing historical contexts and cultural backgrounds in regards to the political influences of differing governments on the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance. Orwell’s intent was for his narrative ‘1984’ to serve as a warning to his readers towards the danger of totalitarianism and the possible consequences just after World War 2. What specifically about this context was he exploring? Chances are the Cold War would be worth a mention. However, this intent can evoke different responses from various audience groups and differ in the extent certain ideas and issues portrayed are explored. To people living during a period in which tyranny was a reality, Orwell’s warning may evoke a response of fear and acknowledgement to the daunting reminder that Communism could potentially become a driving force that permeates the way of life bringing about hardship and suffering. Good. To others, such as contemporary readers in the 21st century, Orwell’s warning about the threat of Communism may simply be looked upon as a relic of the past with readers responding with a lack of understanding and appreciation. Excellent, you are showing a solid understanding of how the audience response will change based on their context. These numerous responses develop from different attitudes, values and beliefs promoted within differing contexts. Don't need this sentence, you established this idea already. However, in both ‘1984’ and in reality a clear relationship involving trust and obedience with politics is similarly constructed in both texts allowing the audience to draw parallels within the concept of democracy. In addition, it appears as though modern readers are able to delve deeper into ‘1984’ and apply their knowledge to reality than contemporary readers. I'd add "of Orwell's context" to the end of that text, for clarity.
Vulnerable individuals living in the 20th century may have a greater understanding of Orwell’s warning about the threat of totalitarianism. The fact that Orwell lived through two world wars and saw the rise of totalitarian regimes on an unprecedented scale that included tyranny in Spain, Germany and the Soviet Union during his lifetime greatly influenced his inspiration for ‘1984’. Good contextual information. In these countries, people subjected to hunger and forced labor over time often began to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life under a dictated reign in history. This is reflective of a passive attitude established in ‘1984’ to be one of obedience towards ultimate authority and the belief that citizens under a dictated should be subjected complete political power and authority regardless of personal will. In particular the ritual ‘the two minutes hate’ described in 1984’ was effectively a brainwashing session designed to use the collective rage of the citizens of Oceania against supposed "enemies of the Party" to strengthen the Party's position and redirect their anger away from the Party itself. The use of videos of supposed enemies allows the Party to manipulate and direct the people’s anger and rage they may feel from the lack of control over their own lives towards a fictional enemy created by the ‘Party’ to control an individual’s personal will as to who they should hate. I do think this is too much plot detail, but perhaps given your teachers comments, it isn't? I can't be sure. I'd try to compress this detail into a single sentence at least. In addition, the fact that modern politicians are able to invent an enemy by manipulating the public rage and anger towards that enemy using media reinforces the terrifying consequence in misplacing unquestioned trust in politics without exercising one’s own critical thinking and enforcing an individual’s personal will. This knowledge reinforces the passive attitude of obedience towards authority, the value of survival and the belief that absolute obedience will increase one’s chances of survival in a time of tyranny in history and in ‘1984’. Ultimately, the value of freedom and the value of life in the minds of individuals held captive by totalitarianism are eventually erased in ‘1984’. Could this be worth another paragraph? I feel the idea has shifted quite a bit from where we started. Eventually, citizens of Oceania only have one priority: to be obedient and survive. Orwell’s warning is therefore considered to be one of importance to individuals who fear the danger of communism being a potential driving force that permeates their own way of life bring about hardships and suffering as seen in Stalin’s reign and in ‘1984’. Furthermore, vulnerable people fearing the prospect of living under a dictated reign are likely to respond to Orwell’s warning of the threat of Communism with seriousness and fear. I feel you haven't done as effective a job at identifying audiences and how they respond in different ways - This seems like a much more general discussion, not focused on particular audiences and contexts.
On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century may respond to Orwell’s warning about the threat of Communism with a lack of seriousness and appreciation. Orwell’s warning can evoke such a response from this audience group because first world countries such as America are typically associated with being a western country that is either capitalist and/or democratic in which numerous privileges are taken for granted as rights. Try to link this specifically to a response to something in the text... This leads them to view aspects of the text, such as ______, with disdain, disbelief and disconnection. Or something. Alternatively, modern readers may respond to the ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and may respond with seriousness. Why? It is a assumed democratic belief that people should have access to universal rights and it is from this belief that a spoilt and conceited attitude is established towards the value and belief of accessing these freedoms and rights. The threat of communism is not perceived to be a driving force that can influence a contemporary reader’s way of life but rather a relic of the past rather than a pressing issue. However, issues that arise from the concept of communism are applicable to modern society to a greater relation to contemporary readers than to the contemporary's of the text ‘1984’. The idea of surveillance on a person without their content or awareness simultaneously conveys the betrayal of trust placed in the government to be manipulated in such a way to control its citizens. Following Edward Snowden revealing a massive surveillance program in which the US National Security Agency (NSA) could monitor the cellphone and internet activity of US citizens the sales of 1984 spiked by about 7,000% according to a survey by Pew Research Center. Effective use of a contextual example there. This recent revelation of the United States’ domestic surveillance operations further supports the eerie realisation that the distant future George Orwell imagined in ‘1984’ may not be as distant as first believed. In reality the technological possibilities of surveillance and data collection and storage in modern society surpasses what Orwell imagined. Be careful, this is getting a little too emotive. Keep things objective. In particular, Orwell’s idea in describing the extent technology can be used as invasive spyware prying into an individual’s privacy without that individual’s awareness or permission is subtly present in reality.The realisation that telescreens and microphones used in 1984 are eerily similar to televisions, microphones and CCTV’s that exist in modern society evokes a sense of unease. For the audience - You are doing a personal (and emotive) response right now, swap back to analysing responses of different audiences. Furthermore, just the thought of modern CCTV’s being used in society to spy on people without their knowledge and consent sends shivers down my spine as a contemporary reader living in the 21st century. Again, too emotive, keep things objective. This further reinforces the idea and knowledge that modern technology is eerily similar to the complicated mechanisms used to psychologically manipulate and control the minds of the people of Oceania by inducing paranoia and fear. In addition, a modern reader’s possible lack of seriousness and fear towards Orwell’s warning in ‘1984’ reflects a mindset that pictures communism as a foreign idea will never happen in the reality and that freedoms are simply rights rather than privileges. However, in reality a modern reader may respond to the increasing prevalence of ideas of control, government, trust/distrust, and surveillance portrayed in ‘1984’ with greater awareness and seriousness. You focused a lot on the modern reader here, perhaps a little imbalanced?
Furthermore, individuals whom lived in fear of oppression and tyranny stemmed from the aftermath of war and manipulation will inevitably respond towards Orwell’s dystopian narrative with seriousness and alertness as they are aware of the dangers and the suffering experienced by those oppressed by tyranny in neighbouring countries. As a result of contrasting historical and cultural contexts across various audience groups and individuals, responses and meanings towards Orwell’s warning in the narrative ‘1984’ are distinctly differ. The contrasting values, beliefs and attitudes promoted within varying contexts can influence and shape one’s interpretation of a text.
I think you've responded to the criteria quite well in the first paragraph! Less so in the second and third paragraph, read it back, you'll notice the difference in how you approached it. Watch the emotive language in the third paragraph. To cut down and make your response more succinct, focus on keeping your plot details minimised. Further, try to put more structure into your sentences: "This audience will respond in this way and this is why." If all your sentences follow some version of that template, you'll be less likely to include unimportant information, and it will make your response clearer! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 29, 2017, 12:17:52 pm
Thank you for your feedback.
I was a bit confused about what you meant about
You focused a lot on the modern reader here, perhaps a little imbalanced?
Yeah sorry that was pretty vague - Meaning, your paragraph on the modern reader is a fair bit longer than the one on the 20th century contemporary readers. So perhaps a tad imbalanced - Not a huge deal! You also didn't cover much on how different cultures could respond to the same material? :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 29, 2017, 02:08:04 pm
Yeah sorry that was pretty vague - Meaning, your paragraph on the modern reader is a fair bit longer than the one on the 20th century contemporary readers. So perhaps a tad imbalanced - Not a huge deal! You also didn't cover much on how different cultures could respond to the same material? :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 29, 2017, 02:28:04 pm
oh ok. I'm not sure what I could talk about in regards to culture.
That's okay! If nothing jumps to mind it may not be necessary :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 29, 2017, 06:55:10 pm
That's okay! If nothing jumps to mind it may not be necessary :)
Post by: katnisschung on April 29, 2017, 10:32:17 pm
(the average was 12/20 and I did not do much better)
although we did receive the marking criteria and question before the actual exam (it was pre prepared)
I was quite confused by it because the question was
"Discuss how the study of Letters to Alice broadens your understanding of the roles of women in Pride and Prejudice"
yet the marking criteria asks for "skillfully evaluates the extent to which one text enriches
understanding of another in relation to the roles of women"
Despite this confusion I still attempted to answer to the question and marking criteria. I wanted more specific and constructive feedback. As what i received was quite vague and trivial
"you do show some understanding of some key ideas and use quotes to support analysis"
"response is disjointed in some points- why the gaps (i left some lines in between paragraphs planning to go back but like really i know no need to rub more salt into my wounds plus I find the advice pretty futile)"
"try to develop more detail particularly the contextual analysis"
i thought i did better than a sound evaluation....I honestly loved mod a becos i love pride and prejudice but idk pls help i honestly put soo much hardwork into this essay
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 30, 2017, 01:04:49 am
I was wondering for my response to this question discuss how and why different audiences/readers may make different meanings of one text studied. Have I clearly fulfilled the criteria 'identifies specific audiences/readers within a particular cultural context for the selected text'? I am not sure if I am too vague when addressing the readers
I'd say you address it quite well! You clearly identify modern (21st) vs contemporary (20th) readers, which is excellent. To improve further, again, some more reference to even more specific audiences would be beneficial. You do it a little in your last paragraph, alluding to the differing response of Western audiences to the material. But a lot more obvious! So for example, "Western democratic responders respond __________. Older responders with memories of WW2 respond differently. Young observers respond differently to old observers." That sort of stuff, breaking down into more specific groups and analysing how their responses differ from each other. At least, that's how I'd interpret it ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 30, 2017, 10:23:08 am
Hiya!
I was wondering if I could get my T.S Eliot essay for Mod B marked?
34 Techniques
Word Count: 1214
Nia
Hey Nia! Absolutely :)
Spoiler
Poetry enables an author to link the fundamental relationship between their contextual origins to and the enduring value of the universal themes they explore during the construction of their composed texts "Construction of composed texts" is tautologous.. T.S Eliot’s poems, ‘The Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock’ (henceforth Love Song) and ‘Preludes’ explore recurring themes and values including modernity and meaning, consequently from the ontological crisis prevalent during his society. Eliot portrays the human experience as tensions between the individual and society by rejecting traditional and structural language features, a characteristic that had become dominant in Modern literature. Therefore, it enables Eliot’s audience to explore predicaments common to the human psyche whilst anticipating new perspectives regarding our role and significance within a contemporary society.
The ubiquitous and oppressive role of modernity has a corrosive impact on the relationships between individuals and society. I like this! Love the word corrosive, I think it works really well here. The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock was prompted by Eliot's reaction to the rapid increase of industrialisation that created a loss of connection between individuals, a feature of enduring relevance to today's society. The intertextual reference to Shakespeare’s Hamlet exposes Eliot’s self degradation, amplified through the caesura ‘No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was I meant to be’ highlighting the paralyzing paralysing*effects of modern world social expectations on the human psyche. Prince Hamlet’s significance is juxtaposed to Prufrock degrading his self worth through the metatheatrical language of an ‘attendant lord’ consequently from the lack of meaning sought in his life. Prufrock articulates the challenges involved with self presentation in order to conform to the superficiality of social conventions as he rhetorically questions “Shall I part my hair behind/ Do I dare eat a peach?” acknowledging that failure to decode these social conventions will leave the individual disconnected from society. The visual imagery and metonymy of “there will be time/ To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet” enables Eliot to reveal the truth of meeting people, where nobody projects their real inner self to the world, instead we are “prepared”. Love Song explores the thematic concerns regarding modernity and the impact it has on individual lives, an enduring concept during Eliot’s lifetime and invariably our own. Nice! Indeed it is a tight little paragraph.
Contrasting with Love Song, Preludes expresses the notion of modernity, through urban deterioration, characterised by the mundane and repetitive nature of living. The identification of urban deterioration is perfect! It's important you are identifying the aspect of modernity you want to explore - this is what puts you in a different pool to other students. Eliot's use of an authoritative tone through the second person narration in “you tossed a blanket from the bed/you lay upon your back, and waited” enables Eliot to encapsulate the reader into the dirty, dull industrialised city as a result of urban deterioration. Just on the analysis: I haven't read this text so take this with a grain of salt. But the quote you've provided doesn't really paint the picture of a desolate landscape through authoritative tone - for me it's the unembellished language, the way the recount of what happened is so simple and bare, just like the life in industrialisation. A key facet of the Modernist agenda includes the monotony of lives, I love that you're giving the details of modernity without just plainly defining it. You're dropping aspects as you need to and I think that's a very strategic way to approach this. portrayed through the rhyme of “passageways - days”, “wraps -scraps” and “lots - pots” emphasising the uniformity of individual's lives thus imbuing his texts with universal and immutable relevance. The fragmentation and connotations of poverty in “Burnt out ends of smoke days...the grimy scraps…” creates a somber tone and exposes the filthiness of the industrialised city and by extension, foreshadows to the futuristic condition of world cities. There's a lot happening in this sentence but I don't think it's too much, I think you've done an excellent job here. Very good piggybacking of techniques! In addition, the sense of dullness and filthiness prevalent in the city is further conveyed through the accumulation of descriptive imagery in “burnt-out”, “gusty”, “grimy”, “withered” and “broken” as Eliot describes his perspective of the city landscape post-industrialisation. The use of enjambment in “one thinks of all the hands that are raising dingy shades in a thousand furnished rooms” conveys individuals trapped in the repetitive nature of life and connotes the increasing gap between individuals as social media and technology impedes communication within society similarly to the way the theme modernity is demonstrated throughout Love Song. Wow nice link! The consequences of modernity regarding urban deterioration can be seen though the inability of society to thrive during the post-war industrial era which led to Eliot poetically expressing his enduring concerns still relevant to today. My favourite part of your response here is the way you've made an exact comparison to today's society. That's very unique and really quite clever!
The search for meaning is a multifaceted issue, impacting the fundamental relationship between an individual and their interaction with the world. Love song, written as a dramatic monologue with fragmented thoughts exposes Eliot's search for meaning in life, through the persona Prufrock. Eliot's ambiguous pronouns of ‘let us go then you and I’ invites the audience to form their own subjective interpretations and values regarding the search for meaning in life. Wonderful analysis. Prufrock's sense of inadequacy, is presented through voiceless alveolar in “To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?” conveying the fluctuating nature of his thinking as he is unable to find meaning within life whilst trapped in a society of flux. You embed quotes wonderfully. Eliot’s concluding epiphany “Til human voices wake us, and we drown” suggests the subconscious notion that once an individual realises that the idealistic views of traditional Romanticism are unattainable and that our external identities are superficially judged by a pretentious society, your internal persona accepts life as meaningless.. The visual imagery of Prufrock ‘combing the white hair of the waves blown back’ manifests his old, weary self lacking meaning in life, through the diction portraying his decaying environment, similarly to the urban deterioration in Preludes. Prufrock, having ‘measured’ his life as ‘coffee spoons’ serves to amplify his nihilistic views and lack of meaning in life through the menotomy of ‘coffee spoons’ representing his years. It is through the lack of meaning in life that individuals struggle to find connections with individuals, a concern persistent in society as a result of the increasing industrialisation.
Similarly to Love Song, Preludes also challenges the search for meaning in life through a persona who lacks connection with individuals. The persona’s search for meaning in life is evident through the parallelistic isocolon in ‘some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing’ denoting the little hope he has amounted. The juxtaposition of the pleasant imagery in ‘infinitely gentle’ contrasted to the brutal tone of the ‘infinitely suffering thing’ conforms to the harsh reality that despite all his efforts, Eliot will never find meaning in life. The sensory imagery of the ‘withered leaves about your feet’ uses assonance to accentuate the lack of meaning in life and alludes to the dying nature in modern society, consequently from deforestation and industrialisation. Eliot’s use of enjambment in “one thinks of all the hands that are raising dingy shades in a thousand furnished rooms” conveys individuals trapped in the repetitive nature of their lives, thus unable to find meaning in life. In addition, the dull imagery of ‘dingy shades’ creates a sombre tone to highlight the lack of meaning in life whilst connoting the increasing gap between individuals as social media and technology impedes communication within society hence creating their inability to find a source meaning. Therefore, it is clear that Preludes explores the thematic concern of meaning, an important aspect of the human psyche with enduring relevance to today’s society.
Eliot’s poems, ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘Preludes’ express the universal themes of modernity and meaning, both prevalent thematic concerns arising during the construction of Eliot’s oeuvres. Eliot comments on the current state of society by presenting the fundamental relationship between individuals and the community which enables him to provide his audiences with new and enduring perspectives regarding their role and significance. The reaction of his readers will encourage them to change the unfulfilling ways we go about our daily lives by altering their meaning of life and understanding the effects of industrialisation on the human psyche. Great conclusion.
The ubiquitous and oppressive role of modernity has a corrosive impact on the relationships between individuals and society. I like this! Love the word corrosive, I think it works really well here. The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock was prompted by Eliot's reaction to the rapid increase of industrialisation that created a loss of connection between individuals, a feature of enduring relevance to today's society. The intertextual reference to Shakespeare’s Hamlet exposes Eliot’s self degradation, amplified through the caesura ‘No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was I meant to be’ highlighting the paralyzing paralysing*effects of modern world social expectations on the human psyche. Prince Hamlet’s significance is juxtaposed to Prufrock degrading his self worth through the metatheatrical language of an ‘attendant lord’ consequently from the lack of meaning sought in his life. Prufrock articulates the challenges involved with self presentation in order to conform to the superficiality of social conventions as he rhetorically questions “Shall I part my hair behind/ Do I dare eat a peach?” acknowledging that failure to decode these social conventions will leave the individual disconnected from society. The visual imagery and metonymy of “there will be time/ To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet” enables Eliot to reveal the truth of meeting people, where nobody projects their real inner self to the world, instead we are “prepared”. Love Song explores the thematic concerns regarding modernity and the impact it has on individual lives, an enduring concept during Eliot’s lifetime and invariably our own. Nice! Indeed it is a tight little paragraph.
Contrasting with Love Song, Preludes expresses the notion of modernity, through urban deterioration, characterised by the mundane and repetitive nature of living. The identification of urban deterioration is perfect! It's important you are identifying the aspect of modernity you want to explore - this is what puts you in a different pool to other students. Eliot's use of an authoritative tone through the second person narration in “you tossed a blanket from the bed/you lay upon your back, and waited” enables Eliot to encapsulate the reader into the dirty, dull industrialised city as a result of urban deterioration. Just on the analysis: I haven't read this text so take this with a grain of salt. But the quote you've provided doesn't really paint the picture of a desolate landscape through authoritative tone - for me it's the unembellished language, the way the recount of what happened is so simple and bare, just like the life in industrialisation. A key facet of the Modernist agenda includes the monotony of lives, I love that you're giving the details of modernity without just plainly defining it. You're dropping aspects as you need to and I think that's a very strategic way to approach this. portrayed through the rhyme of “passageways - days”, “wraps -scraps” and “lots - pots” emphasising the uniformity of individual's lives thus imbuing his texts with universal and immutable relevance. The fragmentation and connotations of poverty in “Burnt out ends of smoke days...the grimy scraps…” creates a somber tone and exposes the filthiness of the industrialised city and by extension, foreshadows to the futuristic condition of world cities. There's a lot happening in this sentence but I don't think it's too much, I think you've done an excellent job here. Very good piggybacking of techniques! In addition, the sense of dullness and filthiness prevalent in the city is further conveyed through the accumulation of descriptive imagery in “burnt-out”, “gusty”, “grimy”, “withered” and “broken” as Eliot describes his perspective of the city landscape post-industrialisation. The use of enjambment in “one thinks of all the hands that are raising dingy shades in a thousand furnished rooms” conveys individuals trapped in the repetitive nature of life and connotes the increasing gap between individuals as social media and technology impedes communication within society similarly to the way the theme modernity is demonstrated throughout Love Song. Wow nice link! The consequences of modernity regarding urban deterioration can be seen though the inability of society to thrive during the post-war industrial era which led to Eliot poetically expressing his enduring concerns still relevant to today. My favourite part of your response here is the way you've made an exact comparison to today's society. That's very unique and really quite clever!
The search for meaning is a multifaceted issue, impacting the fundamental relationship between an individual and their interaction with the world. Love song, written as a dramatic monologue with fragmented thoughts exposes Eliot's search for meaning in life, through the persona Prufrock. Eliot's ambiguous pronouns of ‘let us go then you and I’ invites the audience to form their own subjective interpretations and values regarding the search for meaning in life. Wonderful analysis. Prufrock's sense of inadequacy, is presented through voiceless alveolar in “To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?” conveying the fluctuating nature of his thinking as he is unable to find meaning within life whilst trapped in a society of flux. You embed quotes wonderfully. Eliot’s concluding epiphany “Til human voices wake us, and we drown” suggests the subconscious notion that once an individual realises that the idealistic views of traditional Romanticism are unattainable and that our external identities are superficially judged by a pretentious society, your internal persona accepts life as meaningless.. The visual imagery of Prufrock ‘combing the white hair of the waves blown back’ manifests his old, weary self lacking meaning in life, through the diction portraying his decaying environment, similarly to the urban deterioration in Preludes. Prufrock, having ‘measured’ his life as ‘coffee spoons’ serves to amplify his nihilistic views and lack of meaning in life through the menotomy of ‘coffee spoons’ representing his years. It is through the lack of meaning in life that individuals struggle to find connections with individuals, a concern persistent in society as a result of the increasing industrialisation.
Similarly to Love Song, Preludes also challenges the search for meaning in life through a persona who lacks connection with individuals. The persona’s search for meaning in life is evident through the parallelistic isocolon in ‘some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing’ denoting the little hope he has amounted. The juxtaposition of the pleasant imagery in ‘infinitely gentle’ contrasted to the brutal tone of the ‘infinitely suffering thing’ conforms to the harsh reality that despite all his efforts, Eliot will never find meaning in life. The sensory imagery of the ‘withered leaves about your feet’ uses assonance to accentuate the lack of meaning in life and alludes to the dying nature in modern society, consequently from deforestation and industrialisation. Eliot’s use of enjambment in “one thinks of all the hands that are raising dingy shades in a thousand furnished rooms” conveys individuals trapped in the repetitive nature of their lives, thus unable to find meaning in life. In addition, the dull imagery of ‘dingy shades’ creates a sombre tone to highlight the lack of meaning in life whilst connoting the increasing gap between individuals as social media and technology impedes communication within society hence creating their inability to find a source meaning. Therefore, it is clear that Preludes explores the thematic concern of meaning, an important aspect of the human psyche with enduring relevance to today’s society.
Eliot’s poems, ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘Preludes’ express the universal themes of modernity and meaning, both prevalent thematic concerns arising during the construction of Eliot’s oeuvres. Eliot comments on the current state of society by presenting the fundamental relationship between individuals and the community which enables him to provide his audiences with new and enduring perspectives regarding their role and significance. The reaction of his readers will encourage them to change the unfulfilling ways we go about our daily lives by altering their meaning of life and understanding the effects of industrialisation on the human psyche. Great conclusion.
Your analysis is excellent - it's really hard to fault. The way you've structured your paragraphs is also impressive. You've managed to integrate quotes really seamlessly while also explaining your point well. I think there's one thing I want to suggest that wouldn't be an issue in other essays, but it is important to Module B. You're linking to the modern audience by talking about how the context differs yet has relatable similarities - so you've engaged the contemporary response through content. But, I think you could also talk about the engagement of the contemporary audience through technique as well. The manipulation of form intends to be able to emulate an experience, or express a feeling, and engage. So in your analysis, you're more or less doing this (in a far more sophisticated way!):
-Identify idea, relate to text.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-What's missing here? What this effect has on the audience.
For example, I'll write what you're saying in green and what I think it needs in red.
The enjambment in "******* *** *** ***" creates a flow in the text that emulates the flow of emotions the child is experiencing. By textually representing the fluidity of the emotional experience of the child, a reader of a time contemporary to Shakespeare, as well as a reader of the modern day, is prompted to empathise with the depression. Just an example whipped on the spot, don't mark me for it ;)
But basically, we know visual imagery paints a picture, we know similes draw comparisons: but how effective is this in causing a response from the reader? You've said that modern audiences can access the experiences and themes through the plot and context, but you'd be elevating your response a lot by explaining how the audience can access the text through the actual form and creation of language as well :)
Hopefully this makes sense! You've got an excellent essay - it's only upwards from here!
PS. I had this marked offline for longer than I'd have liked, just got wifi now! Sorry for the delay :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 30, 2017, 11:20:09 am
oh ok thank you
for the first paragraph I wrote Individuals living in the 20th century exempt from a tyrannical rule as the audience. Would that be specific enough?
I rewrote my paragraphs and was wondering if it would be acceptable for me to post it again. This assessment is due on Tuesday
Here is hopefully a final draft of my response. I'm sorry for posting this response so many times. My in class essay on this is on Tuesday so I'm a bit rushed to get it done by today. I'm not sure whether or not to keep the sentence about Joseph Stalin.
I am also not quite sure if I should keep paragraphs 3 and 4 as separate paragrahs.
Or just combine it into a single big paragraph like this:
Spoiler
spoiler]
Response
Response
Spoiler
Discuss how and why different audiences/readers may make different meanings
Post by: Faith_7 on April 30, 2017, 09:53:29 pm
I was wondering if you could mark my essay. Thanks a lot in advance! :)
The question and essay is below:
'Shakespeare’s Hamlet has been described as ‘a bleak portrait of a world in which the balance has been disturbed’. To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of Hamlet? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text.'
Shakespeare explores different spectrums of imbalance in Hamlet with the defiance of stereotypical attitudes, inner conflict and remorse. This is portrayed through characterisation and soliloquies depicting Laertes, Claudius and Hamlet, relaying the consequences of political instability that arose from the succession of Queen Elizabeth I during Elizabethan times. Hamlet continues to generate relatability with contemporary audiences due to the prominence of imbalance in society although changing times inevitably generate different problems. Thus, the play’s description as ‘a bleak portrait of a world in which balance has been disturbed’ deeply aligns with my understanding.
A bleak portrait is portrayed through the incompatability of Laertes and Hamlet as they possess opposing personalities. During Elizabethan times, women were forced to succumb to the desire of men as highlighted through their blatant mistreatment. However, Laertes is shown to exhibit a witty and intimate approach to Ophelia in, ‘Be wary than, best safety lies in fear’, which is juxtaposed to Hamlet’s disrespect in the quote, ‘Go thy ways to a nunnery. Where’s your father?’, highlighting the rejection of a stereotypical masculine attitude of superiority towards women. As opposed to Hamlet, Laertes’ decisiveness is emphasised through the determined tone in, ‘Let come what comes, only I’ll be revenged most thoroughly for my father’, where his willingness to suffer and persevere for his ultimate purpose of revenge contrasts with Hamlet’s prolonged sense of inactivity. Furthermore, Laertes’ moral rationality as underpinned with the first person speaker, ‘I am justly kill’d with mine own treachery’, conveys his decisiveness through a willingness to yield former beliefs and accepting death with grace. Therefore, Laertes’ decisive straightforward approach to moral judgement does not align with the characterisation of Hamlet and their ultimate deaths support a bleak portrait of a world in which balance of social tranquillity is never achieved.
In contrast, imbalance is embodied as an internal struggle of indecisiveness within Hamlet. His inability to attain a balanced lifestyle consisting of happiness and satisfaction is attributed to a personal dilemma between a sense of filial and religious duty. In Act 2 Scene 2, his self-disdain shown through the employment of alliteration and the rhetorical question, ‘What’s Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba, that he should weep for her?’, contrasts his inaction towards the passionate emotions evoked by the actor, emphasising the struggle to muster courage within himself. Also, in Elizabethan times it was strictly believed that any disturbance in the Chain of Being would upset the order of the universe and create chaos. This ideology is deeply embedded within Hamlet’s indecisiveness through the zoomorphism in, ‘But I am pigeon-livered, and lack gall to make oppression bitter’, where a desire to uphold both filial and religious duty ultimately leads to emotional stress because of self-perpetuating delay. Hamlet’s contribution to his own emotional decay is portrayed within the first person speaker, ‘I’ll have grounds more relative than this’, where an inability to forsake Christian morality while delaying his act of retribution builds upon the accumulating pressure and self-doubt, establishing internal imbalance. Thus, representation of Hamlet’s emotional and physical downfall through the implementation of soliloquies paints Hamlet within a bleak portrait where inner balance is disturbed.
Hamlet’s sense of imbalance through internal conflict is paralleled within Claudius when he displays remorse for his actions. In Act 3, Scene 3, a confessional soliloquy of Claudius highlights inner turmoil after violating the Divine Right of Kings with the murder of King Hamlet. The implacable burden on his consciousness is highlighted with the biblical allusion to Cain’s murder of Abel in ‘the primal eldest curse’, where a ‘rank’, unnatural offense leads him onto a painful course of self-reflection and disappointment. Also, Claudius’ awareness of the helplessness of his situation is emphasised with his physical isolation along with the first person speaker in, ‘that cannot be, since I am still possessed of those effects for which I did the murder, my crown, mine own ambition, and my queen’, where he accepts his damnation as he is unable to give up what he has gained from murder, underscoring an imbalance between action and repentance leading to internal conflict. Moreover, Claudius imperative command and simile in the lines, ‘Bow stubborn knees, and hearts with strings of steel be soft as sinews of the new-born babe’, imitates an image of vulnerability that establishes his position of imbalance as he implores himself to submission. To a large extent, the powerful imagery of Claudius’ futile remorse establishes Hamlet as a bleak play where an individual’s balance between exercising righteousness and sinfulness is violated.
To conclude, Shakespeare’s examination of the different forms of imbalance such as rejection of normal behaviour and internal struggle establishes Hamlet as a bleak portrait of a world characterised by betrayal and fatality. This strongly aligns with my understanding that balance is pursued but never attained by characters in the play. The prominence of imbalance helps to mould the play into an integrated whole by establishing characters with flaws which audiences of any contextual background can empathise with due to exploration of core human emotions such as remorse.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 30, 2017, 11:11:06 pm
Hi, I am in Year 12 currently doing Mod B: Hamlet
I was wondering if you could mark my essay. Thanks a lot in advance! :)
Hey Faith! Welcome to the forums! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay - We have a requirement that you have 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. This is just to make sure that the markers can keep up and can devote the 30mins-1hour we like to spend on them :) you can read the essay marking rules here!
If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you rack up those posts really quick! Then just let us know and we can give you some feedback ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 30, 2017, 11:24:26 pm
oh ok thank you
for the first paragraph I wrote Individuals living in the 20th century exempt from a tyrannical rule as the audience. Would that be specific enough?
I rewrote my paragraphs and was wondering if it would be acceptable for me to post it again. This assessment is due on Tuesday
Here is hopefully a final draft of my response. I'm sorry for posting this response so many times. My in class essay on this is on Tuesday so I'm a bit rushed to get it done by today. I'm not sure whether or not to keep the sentence about Joseph Stalin.
I am also not quite sure if I should keep paragraphs 3 and 4 as separate paragrahs.
Or just combine it into a single big paragraph like this:
Since you need it quickly, we won't be able to do detailed feedback before then, so I'll just give you some quick/simple comments - It will hopefully make it easier to implement them before Tuesday anyway! :)
- If you want to keep the sentence on Stalin, you need to link it to a particular audience - Link to modern audiences who have knowledge of totalitarianism and how their response differs as a result. Right now it seems a little out of place.
- The big paragraph you provided had very few references to the text, and no techniques. I'm not sure if techniques are required in your response the way they would be in the HSC, but even if they aren't, you'll need more specific references to the text in some form.
- Your big paragraph also has a contradictory intro and conclusion. Intro says "lack of seriousness." Conclusion says "seriousness," - This is a sign that you've veered off track at some point in your argument. It might be better to split it, because the argument is more cohesive in the split version.
- Intro in the response is good - "Parallels with democracy" at the end is a little vague. Perhaps use the words "reflect on their own government and more general ideas of political power," or something similar.
- Your paragraphs in the response are effective and explore audience response quite well. I can't comment much on the style of analysis, it is very different to the style I'd want to see in the HSC, but it seems to be meeting the demands of the task, at least as I understand them.
- Yeah, definitely split the paragraphs. Works way better.
- Still work on referencing the text more meaningfully (techniques) and more frequently - It drops off as the essay ges on.
- Nice punchy conclusion, I think it works well.
I think your response is in a really good place! Best of luck with the final changes and submission :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on April 30, 2017, 11:48:51 pm
Since you need it quickly, we won't be able to do detailed feedback before then, so I'll just give you some quick/simple comments - It will hopefully make it easier to implement them before Tuesday anyway! :)
- If you want to keep the sentence on Stalin, you need to link it to a particular audience - Link to modern audiences who have knowledge of totalitarianism and how their response differs as a result. Right now it seems a little out of place.
- The big paragraph you provided had very few references to the text, and no techniques. I'm not sure if techniques are required in your response the way they would be in the HSC, but even if they aren't, you'll need more specific references to the text in some form.
- Your big paragraph also has a contradictory intro and conclusion. Intro says "lack of seriousness." Conclusion says "seriousness," - This is a sign that you've veered off track at some point in your argument. It might be better to split it, because the argument is more cohesive in the split version.
- Intro in the response is good - "Parallels with democracy" at the end is a little vague. Perhaps use the words "reflect on their own government and more general ideas of political power," or something similar.
- Your paragraphs in the response are effective and explore audience response quite well. I can't comment much on the style of analysis, it is very different to the style I'd want to see in the HSC, but it seems to be meeting the demands of the task, at least as I understand them.
- Yeah, definitely split the paragraphs. Works way better.
- Still work on referencing the text more meaningfully (techniques) and more frequently - It drops off as the essay ges on.
- Nice punchy conclusion, I think it works well.
I think your response is in a really good place! Best of luck with the final changes and submission :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 30, 2017, 11:56:52 pm
Thank you for your feedback. Could you give me an example of what you mean by technique? I'm not exactly sure what you mean
Long shots, close ups, non-diegetic sound, cross cuts - Stuff the composer does to construct ideas in their piece. If you've not heard the term used before, chances are it isn't something that is explored a lot in WACE :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 01, 2017, 12:23:17 am
Long shots, close ups, non-diegetic sound, cross cuts - Stuff the composer does to construct ideas in their piece. If you've not heard the term used before, chances are it isn't something that is explored a lot in WACE :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 01, 2017, 12:24:47 am
Could technique refer to things like concepts the author explores. For example double think in 1984?
Not really - Not in the HSC context at least. I wouldn't stress, it just sounds like something WACE doesn't need/consider, which is cool :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 01, 2017, 12:33:09 am
Thank you for your help :)
Not really - Not in the HSC context at least. I wouldn't stress, it just sounds like something WACE doesn't need/consider, which is cool :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 02, 2017, 10:01:08 am
Hi our grade just got our mod A essays back and I did not do so well
(the average was 12/20 and I did not do much better)
although we did receive the marking criteria and question before the actual exam (it was pre prepared)
I was quite confused by it because the question was
"Discuss how the study of Letters to Alice broadens your understanding of the roles of women in Pride and Prejudice"
yet the marking criteria asks for "skillfully evaluates the extent to which one text enriches
understanding of another in relation to the roles of women"
Despite this confusion I still attempted to answer to the question and marking criteria. I wanted more specific and constructive feedback. As what i received was quite vague and trivial
"you do show some understanding of some key ideas and use quotes to support analysis"
"response is disjointed in some points- why the gaps (i left some lines in between paragraphs planning to go back but like really i know no need to rub more salt into my wounds plus I find the advice pretty futile)"
"try to develop more detail particularly the contextual analysis"
i thought i did better than a sound evaluation....I honestly loved mod a becos i love pride and prejudice but idk pls help i honestly put soo much hardwork into this essay
Hey Katniss - I've attached your essay below!
Spoiler
Through the consideration of the social conventions of an era, the responder is able to comprehend the construction of women’s roles to submit to these contextual values. A little vague, but I do know what you are saying. You are saying that composers will construct the roles of their female characters around the social conventions of their time, and we as an audience can understand that. I think you might need to reword it just a tad. Austen, through Pride and Prejudice exemplifies the submissive nature of woman’s roles to the Regency era, founded on the repression of feminine individualism through examining marriage and lifestyles for women. Use the full name of the author in the first instance. However, it is only through examining Letters to Alice, is this point elucidated as Weldon conveys the realities of the Austenian Context, also highlighted through comparison between contexts. A little beefier of an introduction is necessary, add a conclusion - What final understandings do you gain by studying the two texts' together?
Marriage is established to be of fundamental importance for a women to fulfil, often employed as a mechanism to attain financial security. In the context of Pride and Prejudice - Be clear that you are examining a contextual issue here. Austen utilises dialogue to convey how central marriage was, forming a central subject of conversation, approached with decisive opinions. Example? Such opinions reflected it as an unquestioned necessity. This imperative attitude forms a reflection of the absence of female autonomy during the Regency Era as women were forced to compromise their happiness for economic comfort. This was a few too many sentences describing a concept without analysis - You should jump in earlier! Austen utilises dialogue, Charlotte Lucas stating, “I am not romantic…I ask only a comfortable home,” exposing the responder to Charlotte’s true sentiments. Her pragmatic choice to marry Collins, despite finding “his society irksome”, indicates the extent women will go to marry, overlooking their emotional needs to satisfy financial stability. Try not to use plot elements to further your argument - It is all about the techniques! This is reinforced by the detached tone, lacking genuine affection and emotional commitment. A solid conceptual paragraph, but it does need more techniques for stronger analysis, and a concluding sentence!
In reading Letters to Alice, the re-contextualisation of Austen enables the contemporary audience to better understand the necessity of marriage for women. Good intro, nice and clear. Weldon elucidates Austen’s use of Elizabeth as an antithesis to her time. Through revealing the rebellious nature of Elizabeth, Weldon establishes the constrictions of the Regency Era. How is it revealed? You are saying what the composer does but now how they do it! The radical nature of her character is seen through Weldon’s comment that Elizabeth chooses to disregard the “pulsing urge for survival.” Retell. The use of assonance emulates a sense of urgent desperation, revealing it is imperative for woman to marry to continue to exist. Try to get your technique into the same sentence as your quote - Just for clarity and so as not to tempt the marker to think, "Op, no technique!" The composer describes Elizabeth as “Listening to the beat of feeling,” whereby the use of an idiom reinforces Austen's characterisation of Elizabeth as an individualist, alluding to her preference for personal feelings and desires over societal conventions. This is better analysis, strong use of technique, excellent - Would be good for you to emphasise what the audience gains a little more explicitly! Through establishing Elizabeth as a radical character, Weldon is able to exemplify the realities of Austen’s context. This feels like another introduction - Separate paragraph perhaps? Her portrayal of the Regency society is one that is entrenched by patriarchal authority, determinants of power being money and prestige, controlled by men, accessible by women only through marriage. How is this shown though? Weldon not only contextualises the constrictions of life for women but contrasts between the two contexts of the Regency era and the 80s. How? Again, you need to get into your analysis much, much faster! “It is the stuff of our women’s magazines but it was the stuff of their life, their very existence.” The modern responder identifies with the symbolism of the magazine, its glossy pages a representation of the idealistic visions women strive for. Very nice - I'd try and blend the next sentence into this, again, just for clarity! This symbolism reflects marriage to be a goal for the modern reader. However, Weldon makes a striking comparison between the two contexts, allowing the responder to comprehend marriage is not a choice, rather is the means of survival. In Austen's context, be clear in your comparison! By presenting the realities of both contexts, the composer emphasises to the modern reader, the significant progression of the rights of women in contrast to the constrictions of Austen’s time. Thus, Weldon’s contextualisation of what life was like for women during the Regency era allows the modern responder to better comprehend why marriage was a sole focus for women in Pride and Prejudice. Very strong conceptually, but analytically, you only had two/three techniques in that paragraph - Much of your time was spent describing concepts, saying what the author had done not how they did it.
Austen presents the duty for women to lie in the gratification of men through the suppression of individual beliefs and striving to be “an accomplished female”. Characterisation is utilised by the composer to craft a persona that embodies the notion women must conform their behaviour to please men. Characterisation is not a technique by itself, it is formed through other techniques! Austen constructs Caroline Bingley to be an archetype of such ideals of the Regency Era, distinctive of the notion, a woman’s worth is determined by the male dominated society. How? Austen uses dialogue for the expression of Caroline’s views to be “esteemed” as an “accomplished”, “a woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages to deserve the word.” Equally, dialogue isn't really a technique either. Try and go beyond the standard 'dialogue' and 'symbolism.' Caroline is characterised to emulate 19th century, English society: a woman’s knowledge of the arts and cultural aspects is imperative, in order to considered successful. You sort of said this earlier - Try to avoid repetition! Such response explicitly outlines the expectations to be an “accomplished woman”. Furthermore, through implication, Austen establishes the need for women to be submissive to men as Caroline is crafted to shape her response to gratify Darcy’s similar opinions. A narrative voice crafts Caroline to be “his faithful assistant”, crying, “Oh! Certainly,” exemplifying she has conformed her opinions to reinforce those of Darcy’s, indicating society’s constraints: women are not free to express their true opinions. Technique? The composer reinforces the role of women to gratify men through suppression of their beliefs through explicit criticism of women who are the opposite. Austen offers dialogue as an insight into this role of women, presenting a clear representation of what women are despised upon to be. “I never liked her… her manners were dictatorial and insolent.” Despite Wickham’s criticism of Georgiana is false, his fabrication draws on society’s conventions for women to hold opposite characteristics: to bow to the authority of men. Again, a strong paragraph in terms of ideas, but the way you explore them isn't quite as analytically strong as it could be.
Weldon, through Letters to Alice exemplifies the patriarchal nature of the society, allowing the modern responder to identify that the subservience of women towards men is driven by survival. This is furthered through implicit examination of the contextual similarities and differences between the two eras. Weldon’s use of authorial commentary achieves an imposition of a point on the responder, guiding the responder to change their views of the Regency Era. She states, “women survived, in Jane Austen’s day, by pleasing and charming.” Weldon reveals the expectations of Austen’s era, women’s gratification of men stemmed from their need to survive. Technique? Our understanding why women such as Caroline willingly confirmed conventional views is elucidated by Weldon’s implication that women’s dependence on men is a cause of the patriarchal society. She establishes this patriarchy through, “male whims taking priority, then as now, over female happiness, then as now”. Technique? Weldon’s comparison to the modern context elicits a response from the responder to identify relationships between men and women still reflect the same power structure. Her implication that women’s dependence on men is a cause of the patriarchal society further elucidates our understanding why women willingly confirmed conventional views. Weldon’s contrast between the two contexts augments our comprehension of why women were subservient to men as through reflection of the modern context, we are able to see the severity of the patriarchal context. Such contrast is achieved through the book itself, a reflection of the modern context through the purpose of the author. Weldon’s opinionated female voice established through authorial commentary indicates the freedoms she enjoys in the 80s context: able to express her own ideas.
To conclude, Letters to Alice elucidates our comprehension of women’s roles as presented in Pride and Prejudice by highlighting they are product and response to contextual values. This understanding is achieved through explicitly revealing the contextual realities of the Regency Era and comparison to the 80s context. The latter serving to highlight the constrictive nature of Austen’s context. Nice punchy conclusion!
Marriage is established to be of fundamental importance for a women to fulfil, often employed as a mechanism to attain financial security. In the context of Pride and Prejudice - Be clear that you are examining a contextual issue here. Austen utilises dialogue to convey how central marriage was, forming a central subject of conversation, approached with decisive opinions. Example? Such opinions reflected it as an unquestioned necessity. This imperative attitude forms a reflection of the absence of female autonomy during the Regency Era as women were forced to compromise their happiness for economic comfort. This was a few too many sentences describing a concept without analysis - You should jump in earlier! Austen utilises dialogue, Charlotte Lucas stating, “I am not romantic…I ask only a comfortable home,” exposing the responder to Charlotte’s true sentiments. Her pragmatic choice to marry Collins, despite finding “his society irksome”, indicates the extent women will go to marry, overlooking their emotional needs to satisfy financial stability. Try not to use plot elements to further your argument - It is all about the techniques! This is reinforced by the detached tone, lacking genuine affection and emotional commitment. A solid conceptual paragraph, but it does need more techniques for stronger analysis, and a concluding sentence!
In reading Letters to Alice, the re-contextualisation of Austen enables the contemporary audience to better understand the necessity of marriage for women. Good intro, nice and clear. Weldon elucidates Austen’s use of Elizabeth as an antithesis to her time. Through revealing the rebellious nature of Elizabeth, Weldon establishes the constrictions of the Regency Era. How is it revealed? You are saying what the composer does but now how they do it! The radical nature of her character is seen through Weldon’s comment that Elizabeth chooses to disregard the “pulsing urge for survival.” Retell. The use of assonance emulates a sense of urgent desperation, revealing it is imperative for woman to marry to continue to exist. Try to get your technique into the same sentence as your quote - Just for clarity and so as not to tempt the marker to think, "Op, no technique!" The composer describes Elizabeth as “Listening to the beat of feeling,” whereby the use of an idiom reinforces Austen's characterisation of Elizabeth as an individualist, alluding to her preference for personal feelings and desires over societal conventions. This is better analysis, strong use of technique, excellent - Would be good for you to emphasise what the audience gains a little more explicitly! Through establishing Elizabeth as a radical character, Weldon is able to exemplify the realities of Austen’s context. This feels like another introduction - Separate paragraph perhaps? Her portrayal of the Regency society is one that is entrenched by patriarchal authority, determinants of power being money and prestige, controlled by men, accessible by women only through marriage. How is this shown though? Weldon not only contextualises the constrictions of life for women but contrasts between the two contexts of the Regency era and the 80s. How? Again, you need to get into your analysis much, much faster! “It is the stuff of our women’s magazines but it was the stuff of their life, their very existence.” The modern responder identifies with the symbolism of the magazine, its glossy pages a representation of the idealistic visions women strive for. Very nice - I'd try and blend the next sentence into this, again, just for clarity! This symbolism reflects marriage to be a goal for the modern reader. However, Weldon makes a striking comparison between the two contexts, allowing the responder to comprehend marriage is not a choice, rather is the means of survival. In Austen's context, be clear in your comparison! By presenting the realities of both contexts, the composer emphasises to the modern reader, the significant progression of the rights of women in contrast to the constrictions of Austen’s time. Thus, Weldon’s contextualisation of what life was like for women during the Regency era allows the modern responder to better comprehend why marriage was a sole focus for women in Pride and Prejudice. Very strong conceptually, but analytically, you only had two/three techniques in that paragraph - Much of your time was spent describing concepts, saying what the author had done not how they did it.
Austen presents the duty for women to lie in the gratification of men through the suppression of individual beliefs and striving to be “an accomplished female”. Characterisation is utilised by the composer to craft a persona that embodies the notion women must conform their behaviour to please men. Characterisation is not a technique by itself, it is formed through other techniques! Austen constructs Caroline Bingley to be an archetype of such ideals of the Regency Era, distinctive of the notion, a woman’s worth is determined by the male dominated society. How? Austen uses dialogue for the expression of Caroline’s views to be “esteemed” as an “accomplished”, “a woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages to deserve the word.” Equally, dialogue isn't really a technique either. Try and go beyond the standard 'dialogue' and 'symbolism.' Caroline is characterised to emulate 19th century, English society: a woman’s knowledge of the arts and cultural aspects is imperative, in order to considered successful. You sort of said this earlier - Try to avoid repetition! Such response explicitly outlines the expectations to be an “accomplished woman”. Furthermore, through implication, Austen establishes the need for women to be submissive to men as Caroline is crafted to shape her response to gratify Darcy’s similar opinions. A narrative voice crafts Caroline to be “his faithful assistant”, crying, “Oh! Certainly,” exemplifying she has conformed her opinions to reinforce those of Darcy’s, indicating society’s constraints: women are not free to express their true opinions. Technique? The composer reinforces the role of women to gratify men through suppression of their beliefs through explicit criticism of women who are the opposite. Austen offers dialogue as an insight into this role of women, presenting a clear representation of what women are despised upon to be. “I never liked her… her manners were dictatorial and insolent.” Despite Wickham’s criticism of Georgiana is false, his fabrication draws on society’s conventions for women to hold opposite characteristics: to bow to the authority of men. Again, a strong paragraph in terms of ideas, but the way you explore them isn't quite as analytically strong as it could be.
Weldon, through Letters to Alice exemplifies the patriarchal nature of the society, allowing the modern responder to identify that the subservience of women towards men is driven by survival. This is furthered through implicit examination of the contextual similarities and differences between the two eras. Weldon’s use of authorial commentary achieves an imposition of a point on the responder, guiding the responder to change their views of the Regency Era. She states, “women survived, in Jane Austen’s day, by pleasing and charming.” Weldon reveals the expectations of Austen’s era, women’s gratification of men stemmed from their need to survive. Technique? Our understanding why women such as Caroline willingly confirmed conventional views is elucidated by Weldon’s implication that women’s dependence on men is a cause of the patriarchal society. She establishes this patriarchy through, “male whims taking priority, then as now, over female happiness, then as now”. Technique? Weldon’s comparison to the modern context elicits a response from the responder to identify relationships between men and women still reflect the same power structure. Her implication that women’s dependence on men is a cause of the patriarchal society further elucidates our understanding why women willingly confirmed conventional views. Weldon’s contrast between the two contexts augments our comprehension of why women were subservient to men as through reflection of the modern context, we are able to see the severity of the patriarchal context. Such contrast is achieved through the book itself, a reflection of the modern context through the purpose of the author. Weldon’s opinionated female voice established through authorial commentary indicates the freedoms she enjoys in the 80s context: able to express her own ideas.
To conclude, Letters to Alice elucidates our comprehension of women’s roles as presented in Pride and Prejudice by highlighting they are product and response to contextual values. This understanding is achieved through explicitly revealing the contextual realities of the Regency Era and comparison to the 80s context. The latter serving to highlight the constrictive nature of Austen’s context. Nice punchy conclusion!
So what the criteria is referencing is that you are asked to explore how Letters to Alice broadens your understanding of the roles of women in Pride and Prejudice, how one text enriches your understanding of another - So you needed to look at how you get a better understanding of Pride and Prejudice, by reading Letters to Alice ;D
I think conceptually your response is strong, but analytically, as hard as this might be to hear, I do agree with your teacher. This isn't based on your ideas, because again, they are strong. It is how you explore them. You spend 3-5 sentences picking apart each quote, re-describing concepts and explaining what the author is trying to achieve. But that isn't analysis - Analysis is about TEA: Techniques, explaining their intent, and analysing their impact on the audience. The lack of focus on techniques in your response is I think where those marks would have gone.
You need to be 'faster' in your analysis. One or two sentences per quote, tops, to get something closer to 4-6 quotes per paragraph. Each having a technique, an explanation of impact, and a link to what it shows us about the roles of women. Your ideas are strong, if you can get the analysis a little stronger (which is easier than coming up with strong concepts) - You'll be golden! ;D
The rest of my comments throughout the essay pretty much sum up my thoughts - Give them a read, let me know if you need clarification! And above all, don't be too stressed - This is just one result, and it will absolutely improve. That's the point of assessment tasks, to find the areas of improvement, and improve them, before you get to the HSC ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 08, 2017, 06:30:01 am
I recently did this essay for Mod A, a comparative between 1984 and Metropolis. I got 18/20 whereas most members of my class got 19-20s. My teacher didnt offer me anything on how to improve it. Thanks in advance for the help!Hey there! Happy to help out with this one :)
My comments are in bold font in the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
How does a study of 1984 contribute to our understanding of the nature of power and control in Metropolis?
The strictly governed nature of a hierarchical society can reveal a sinister world of oppression and manipulation which is explored through a government’s abuse of power and control. Shaped by the events of 1948, George Orwell’s Juvenalian satire ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (‘1984’) critically addresses notions of totalitarian rule and the nature of oppression, condemning communist and fascist ideals which emerged and resulted in the Cold War in the 1930s. Influenced by his socialist ideals, Orwell presents a dystopic society dominated by a tyrannical government that creates a dystopic state. In addition, the 1927 science-fiction film ‘Metropolis’ by Fritz Lang further illustrates a divided society which is ruled by an authoritarian figure. The film expresses the epitome of German Expressionism, a modernist movement during the height of the Weimar Republic, defined by industrialism and a mechanized mechanised* society. Both Orwell and Lang highlight the exploitation of the proletariat and the inherent abuse of power and control inciting an inevitable rebellion. Thus, the abusive qualities of government institutions can result in a manipulation of power and exploitation of control, explored through the Orwell and Lang’s alternate texts. Solid introduction!
‘1984’ highlights the detriment of a totalitarian society, whereby free thought is controlled and public opinion is condemned and crushed through the media propaganda and manipulation of language. ‘Newspeak’ is utilised as a tyrannical device, symbolising the oppression of individuality and inhibition of thought. The absurdity of this notion allows Orwell to exaggerate the extent of the control that the government holds over the population, emphasised through the dialogue, “don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought?” Society is metaphorically “unconscious”, bound by extreme orthodoxy of thought and language. Individual liberty is corrupted; the population are strictly controlled by the propaganda symbol of Big Brother, analogous of Adolf Hitler. Additionally, the neologism of ‘double think’ solidifies the Party’s ability to override dissent, grasping control over society. This is exemplified within Winston’s desperate tone in “It exists in memory… you remember it,” to which O’Brien responds he does not, elucidating a sense of helplessness. The issue of propaganda and manipulation is further expressed within the ‘Two Minutes Hate’, an allusion to the German propaganda film ‘Triumph of the Will’, utilised to fuel anger towards the enemy. Therefore, the distortion of the truth through media and the reinvention of language reveals the menacing nature of totalitarian societies, highlighting the insatiable nature of power and control held by authorities. What you do absolutely wonderfully is analyse the text. It flows so well, you move from piece to piece seamlessly and it all comes together so nicely without you sound repetitious. What lacks is an understanding of why the text was created this way. Context is important in Module A because you can compare two texts by their similar themes, but you can make a further point of discussion from the use of context. Why were 1984 and Metropolis delivered differently?
If they had the same message to send, perhaps one text would not exist. They have different agendas but are joined by similar features and themes: what are the agendas that drive their differences?
Equivalent to the suppressed society of ‘1984’, Lang’s ‘Metropolis’ encapsulates the abuse of power through the oppressive authoritarian rule of subhuman class workers. A social divide is evident, established through a mise en scene depicting lines of people entering a cage-like elevator descending into the depths. Use of chiaroscuro lighting and dismal costuming of the workers holds negative connotations with their synchronised movements and bowed heads indicating sense of oppression and uniformity. Lang reveals the drastic disparities between the upper and lower classes through frivolous music paired with a long shot of the Club of Sons, juxtaposing the lavish utopia with the worker’s city. These literal levels of Metropolis illustrate the physical power structure and exploitation of the workers. Furthermore, a motif of machinery juxtaposes how workers are treated as expendable tools that exist to support the machines and the city above viewed in a mise en scene of the clock-man. The workers are juxtaposed to the disproportionate size of the machines, highlighting the reduction of humanity as a result of industrialist power abuse. The machine is personified as Moloch, established through a long shot paired with ominous music, metaphorically representing the oppression of the lower classes. A hell-like atmosphere is created, symbolizing the savage exploitation of labour as the workers are being fed into the machine. This is similar to the caricature of Winston as the ‘everyman’,great link a victim authoritarian abuse, who was consumed by the totalitarian state and transformed into an obedient servant. It is evident how social stratifications elevate a sense of control, as totalitarian states illustrate the abusive characteristic government figures. Again, flawless analysis.
Opposition to power and control is revealed through an intellectual recognition of the desire for individual autonomy, as revealed through Winston’s recognition of the value of personal identity. Orwell further explores extremes of control through the absurd neologism of ‘thought-crime’, in which independent dissident thoughts are considered an act of rebellion. Self-expression and individuality, fundamental to the human condition, are condemned by the Party, hyperbolised as insanity. Despite the attempt to control human nature, Winston’s diary is symbolic of his defiance of the system. Repetition of the maxim “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER,” highlights Winston’s rebellion against the Party, and his resistance to their control. Orwell highlights how absolute power and control leads to the complete reduction of humanity, represented through the anticlimactic destruction of Winston. This is juxtaposed to ‘Metropolis’, which explores a positive outcome from rebellion, overcoming the threat of authoritarian power and abolishing control in order to achieve equality within society. This is elevated through the doublethink incongruity of “2+2=5”. Winston’s metaphorical “victory over himself” alludes to the nihilistic notion of the destruction of all values; Orwell posits that rebellion does not lead to redemption, and warns that totalitarian regimes will consequently result in the loss of all moral and sane judgement. Thus, 1984 portrays how rebellion against power results in the extreme degradation of humanity, revealing the methodical process of destruction from power and control.
As a result of excessive power abuse, the usurping of authority can lead to a discovery of a connection and community, which surpasses power structures in society. This is demonstrated within Metropolis, in which Freder’s symbolic rejection of his father highlights his transcendence of socio-political structures that divide the classes. Further, Lang biblically alludes to Maria as a matriarchal figure of power, represented through use of religious iconography of the crucifix, who advocates for the unity of the “thinkers” and the “workers”. The peaceful nature of Maria is juxtaposed to false Maria, who is characterised as the follies of man (the Seven Sins), whose purpose was to divide society and stratify power structures. Avant-garde costuming is utilised to depict the false Maria as the Whore of Babylon and mother of abomination, foreshadowing the downfall of Metropolis, resulting in a literal and metaphorical loss of power in the industrialist city. The power struggle between the classes ironically results in a realisation of need for community and balance. Thus, the overriding of power and control reveals justice in society, depicted through the symbolic Mediator, who joins the opposing masses together. Freder vanquishes the divide of power, fulfilling his role as the Mediator “between the head and hands”, juxtaposed to Winston’s loss of identity due to failure to thwart the system. Lang emphasises that systematic rule can be overcome, and autocratic societies can be transformed, initiating new freedom and expelling the abusive institutions of power and control.
The synthesis of Lang and Orwell’s respective texts reveals the extent of power and control within totalitarian societies, revealed through the distortion of truth through media propaganda. The insatiable nature of power and control is further emphasised through social stratifications, which can ultimately lead to rebellion against authorities. Systematic rule and how it can transform negatively and positively is thus explored.
The strictly governed nature of a hierarchical society can reveal a sinister world of oppression and manipulation which is explored through a government’s abuse of power and control. Shaped by the events of 1948, George Orwell’s Juvenalian satire ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (‘1984’) critically addresses notions of totalitarian rule and the nature of oppression, condemning communist and fascist ideals which emerged and resulted in the Cold War in the 1930s. Influenced by his socialist ideals, Orwell presents a dystopic society dominated by a tyrannical government that creates a dystopic state. In addition, the 1927 science-fiction film ‘Metropolis’ by Fritz Lang further illustrates a divided society which is ruled by an authoritarian figure. The film expresses the epitome of German Expressionism, a modernist movement during the height of the Weimar Republic, defined by industrialism and a mechanized mechanised* society. Both Orwell and Lang highlight the exploitation of the proletariat and the inherent abuse of power and control inciting an inevitable rebellion. Thus, the abusive qualities of government institutions can result in a manipulation of power and exploitation of control, explored through the Orwell and Lang’s alternate texts. Solid introduction!
‘1984’ highlights the detriment of a totalitarian society, whereby free thought is controlled and public opinion is condemned and crushed through the media propaganda and manipulation of language. ‘Newspeak’ is utilised as a tyrannical device, symbolising the oppression of individuality and inhibition of thought. The absurdity of this notion allows Orwell to exaggerate the extent of the control that the government holds over the population, emphasised through the dialogue, “don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought?” Society is metaphorically “unconscious”, bound by extreme orthodoxy of thought and language. Individual liberty is corrupted; the population are strictly controlled by the propaganda symbol of Big Brother, analogous of Adolf Hitler. Additionally, the neologism of ‘double think’ solidifies the Party’s ability to override dissent, grasping control over society. This is exemplified within Winston’s desperate tone in “It exists in memory… you remember it,” to which O’Brien responds he does not, elucidating a sense of helplessness. The issue of propaganda and manipulation is further expressed within the ‘Two Minutes Hate’, an allusion to the German propaganda film ‘Triumph of the Will’, utilised to fuel anger towards the enemy. Therefore, the distortion of the truth through media and the reinvention of language reveals the menacing nature of totalitarian societies, highlighting the insatiable nature of power and control held by authorities. What you do absolutely wonderfully is analyse the text. It flows so well, you move from piece to piece seamlessly and it all comes together so nicely without you sound repetitious. What lacks is an understanding of why the text was created this way. Context is important in Module A because you can compare two texts by their similar themes, but you can make a further point of discussion from the use of context. Why were 1984 and Metropolis delivered differently?
If they had the same message to send, perhaps one text would not exist. They have different agendas but are joined by similar features and themes: what are the agendas that drive their differences?
Equivalent to the suppressed society of ‘1984’, Lang’s ‘Metropolis’ encapsulates the abuse of power through the oppressive authoritarian rule of subhuman class workers. A social divide is evident, established through a mise en scene depicting lines of people entering a cage-like elevator descending into the depths. Use of chiaroscuro lighting and dismal costuming of the workers holds negative connotations with their synchronised movements and bowed heads indicating sense of oppression and uniformity. Lang reveals the drastic disparities between the upper and lower classes through frivolous music paired with a long shot of the Club of Sons, juxtaposing the lavish utopia with the worker’s city. These literal levels of Metropolis illustrate the physical power structure and exploitation of the workers. Furthermore, a motif of machinery juxtaposes how workers are treated as expendable tools that exist to support the machines and the city above viewed in a mise en scene of the clock-man. The workers are juxtaposed to the disproportionate size of the machines, highlighting the reduction of humanity as a result of industrialist power abuse. The machine is personified as Moloch, established through a long shot paired with ominous music, metaphorically representing the oppression of the lower classes. A hell-like atmosphere is created, symbolizing the savage exploitation of labour as the workers are being fed into the machine. This is similar to the caricature of Winston as the ‘everyman’,great link a victim authoritarian abuse, who was consumed by the totalitarian state and transformed into an obedient servant. It is evident how social stratifications elevate a sense of control, as totalitarian states illustrate the abusive characteristic government figures. Again, flawless analysis.
Opposition to power and control is revealed through an intellectual recognition of the desire for individual autonomy, as revealed through Winston’s recognition of the value of personal identity. Orwell further explores extremes of control through the absurd neologism of ‘thought-crime’, in which independent dissident thoughts are considered an act of rebellion. Self-expression and individuality, fundamental to the human condition, are condemned by the Party, hyperbolised as insanity. Despite the attempt to control human nature, Winston’s diary is symbolic of his defiance of the system. Repetition of the maxim “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER,” highlights Winston’s rebellion against the Party, and his resistance to their control. Orwell highlights how absolute power and control leads to the complete reduction of humanity, represented through the anticlimactic destruction of Winston. This is juxtaposed to ‘Metropolis’, which explores a positive outcome from rebellion, overcoming the threat of authoritarian power and abolishing control in order to achieve equality within society. This is elevated through the doublethink incongruity of “2+2=5”. Winston’s metaphorical “victory over himself” alludes to the nihilistic notion of the destruction of all values; Orwell posits that rebellion does not lead to redemption, and warns that totalitarian regimes will consequently result in the loss of all moral and sane judgement. Thus, 1984 portrays how rebellion against power results in the extreme degradation of humanity, revealing the methodical process of destruction from power and control.
As a result of excessive power abuse, the usurping of authority can lead to a discovery of a connection and community, which surpasses power structures in society. This is demonstrated within Metropolis, in which Freder’s symbolic rejection of his father highlights his transcendence of socio-political structures that divide the classes. Further, Lang biblically alludes to Maria as a matriarchal figure of power, represented through use of religious iconography of the crucifix, who advocates for the unity of the “thinkers” and the “workers”. The peaceful nature of Maria is juxtaposed to false Maria, who is characterised as the follies of man (the Seven Sins), whose purpose was to divide society and stratify power structures. Avant-garde costuming is utilised to depict the false Maria as the Whore of Babylon and mother of abomination, foreshadowing the downfall of Metropolis, resulting in a literal and metaphorical loss of power in the industrialist city. The power struggle between the classes ironically results in a realisation of need for community and balance. Thus, the overriding of power and control reveals justice in society, depicted through the symbolic Mediator, who joins the opposing masses together. Freder vanquishes the divide of power, fulfilling his role as the Mediator “between the head and hands”, juxtaposed to Winston’s loss of identity due to failure to thwart the system. Lang emphasises that systematic rule can be overcome, and autocratic societies can be transformed, initiating new freedom and expelling the abusive institutions of power and control.
The synthesis of Lang and Orwell’s respective texts reveals the extent of power and control within totalitarian societies, revealed through the distortion of truth through media propaganda. The insatiable nature of power and control is further emphasised through social stratifications, which can ultimately lead to rebellion against authorities. Systematic rule and how it can transform negatively and positively is thus explored.
Your analysis is literally flawless. The way you've captured the elements of each text as having a purpose is really wonderful and definitely something I applaud! The piece of the 20/20 puzzle that is missing, in my opinion, is the treatment of context. So you've identified that the two texts have similar themes. You've identified and proved that the two texts have different ways of expressing these themes. Now, we need to identify what the agenda is behind each text that has caused it to rise to the surface in the way it has. Without going into the life long details of Orwell, it's possible to suggest the importance of 1984 in the point of its creation - why a novel? Why is the protagonist named the way he is? Why do you think Orwell even wrote this novel? Was he explicit or implicit in sharing his message? You don't have to answer these questions in your essay, but work them out for yourself and then decide what you want to push in your essay. As I said, the themes are explored well, the analysis is wonderful, but when we pin it down in context we explore everything that little bit deeper and it gives your essay an edge that you just won't find in stock-standard essays, because you're going just that little bit deeper. And hey, it mightn't taken more than two sentences (in total - it could be broken up and doubled with some analysis) for a paragraph or for a text to have enough context in order to bring your argument up that little more.
If you want to take on this advice, feel free to try and weave context into a paragraph and send it back here and I can let you know if it's fitting as seamlessly as your analysis. Although, given the solid evidence of you being a brilliant writer above, I'm sure it will be great. You should be immensely proud of this, without too much effort you'll be hitting the highest marks I'm sure. You make this look easy!
Post by: Snew on May 08, 2017, 08:48:18 pm
Political objectives may not always be easy to perceive, however, the continuous goal represented is the attainment and consolidation of power. Barry Levinson’s film Wag the Dog explores manipulation of the presentation of truth in order to influence political representation. This exposes a false reality in the political sphere and encourages audiences to question the representation of truth. Similarly, Suheir Hammad’s poem What I Will affirms this notion as she criticises the way the truth of her heritage is manipulated and represented in order for governments to have control and power over the people. Hammad is determined not to succumb to the manipulative machinations of governments and is encouraging others to be wary of the controlling objectives of politics. Both composers use a variety of techniques, specific to their texts, to highlight the political motivations of governments. The deliberate decisions made by composers prompt individuals to further examine what is presented as the truth by those in positions of power.
Thankyou!
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 09, 2017, 07:33:07 pm
Intro for Module C: Wag the Dog :D any tips for making it more sophisticated in particular would be awesome, feel like the thesis is a bit clunkyOf course!
Thankyou!
Political objectives may not always be easy to perceive, however, the continuous goal represented is the attainment and consolidation of power. I just don't know exactly what you mean here. The word "represented" is throwing me off, because you're not saying where it is represented. If you put "in the text" after represented, I'd understand better. But at this moment I'm just a bit unsure what you mean. In saying that, I don't really recommend putting "in the text" after because I think we could do better. "Political objectives may not always be easy to perceive, but the continuous goal is always the attainment and consolidation of power." I think this works better, but I'm still unsure now about the first part. "Perceive." I think it's because you're saying, "it's not always easy to understand, but it is always about the attainment of power." And it makes me wonder: Do you mean, audiences don't understand the attainment of power? Or the characters don't understand it themselves, but as a responder we can see it's always about attaining power. Mind you, I'm pulling this a part purely for the purpose of hoping we can put it back together in the clearest form possible. I think your ideas are great, but now we need to work on how we present those ideas so your marker knows exactly what you intend to say. Barry Levinson’s film Wag the Dog explores manipulation of the presentation of truth in order to influence political representation. Love the use of representation here.This exposes a false reality in the political sphere and encourages audiences to question the representation of truth. Similarly, Suheir Hammad’s poem What I Will affirms this notion as she criticises the way the truth of her heritage is manipulated and represented in order for governments to have control and power over the people. Hammad is determined not to succumb to the manipulative machinations of governments and is encouraging others to be wary of the controlling objectives of politics. Both composers use a variety of techniques, specific to their texts, to highlight the political motivations of governments. The deliberate decisions made by composers prompt individuals to further examine what is presented as the truth by those in positions of power.
I think this introduction is really wonderful. Often one of the first things I suggest to students in Module C is to work out how to approach "representation" because often students fail to do so. But here, you've grasped it completely but also seamlessly - you've weaved it in her so naturally it's actually quite remarkable. But, I've been very picky about the thesis statement just so we can pull it down to build it up again better. The ideas are strong, but the expression is ambiguous. Feel free to have a look at what I've written and then bounce back to me and with a new thesis if you like! The expression needs adjustment, but the ideas are strong.
Post by: selinayinz on May 09, 2017, 08:27:55 pm
Hey there! Happy to help out with this one :)
My comments are in bold font in the spoiler below :)SpoilerHow does a study of 1984 contribute to our understanding of the nature of power and control in Metropolis?
The strictly governed nature of a hierarchical society can reveal a sinister world of oppression and manipulation which is explored through a government’s abuse of power and control. Shaped by the events of 1948, George Orwell’s Juvenalian satire ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (‘1984’) critically addresses notions of totalitarian rule and the nature of oppression, condemning communist and fascist ideals which emerged and resulted in the Cold War in the 1930s. Influenced by his socialist ideals, Orwell presents a dystopic society dominated by a tyrannical government that creates a dystopic state. In addition, the 1927 science-fiction film ‘Metropolis’ by Fritz Lang further illustrates a divided society which is ruled by an authoritarian figure. The film expresses the epitome of German Expressionism, a modernist movement during the height of the Weimar Republic, defined by industrialism and a mechanized mechanised* society. Both Orwell and Lang highlight the exploitation of the proletariat and the inherent abuse of power and control inciting an inevitable rebellion. Thus, the abusive qualities of government institutions can result in a manipulation of power and exploitation of control, explored through the Orwell and Lang’s alternate texts. Solid introduction!
‘1984’ highlights the detriment of a totalitarian society, whereby free thought is controlled and public opinion is condemned and crushed through the media propaganda and manipulation of language. ‘Newspeak’ is utilised as a tyrannical device, symbolising the oppression of individuality and inhibition of thought. The absurdity of this notion allows Orwell to exaggerate the extent of the control that the government holds over the population, emphasised through the dialogue, “don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought?” Society is metaphorically “unconscious”, bound by extreme orthodoxy of thought and language. Individual liberty is corrupted; the population are strictly controlled by the propaganda symbol of Big Brother, analogous of Adolf Hitler. Additionally, the neologism of ‘double think’ solidifies the Party’s ability to override dissent, grasping control over society. This is exemplified within Winston’s desperate tone in “It exists in memory… you remember it,” to which O’Brien responds he does not, elucidating a sense of helplessness. The issue of propaganda and manipulation is further expressed within the ‘Two Minutes Hate’, an allusion to the German propaganda film ‘Triumph of the Will’, utilised to fuel anger towards the enemy. Therefore, the distortion of the truth through media and the reinvention of language reveals the menacing nature of totalitarian societies, highlighting the insatiable nature of power and control held by authorities. What you do absolutely wonderfully is analyse the text. It flows so well, you move from piece to piece seamlessly and it all comes together so nicely without you sound repetitious. What lacks is an understanding of why the text was created this way. Context is important in Module A because you can compare two texts by their similar themes, but you can make a further point of discussion from the use of context. Why were 1984 and Metropolis delivered differently?
If they had the same message to send, perhaps one text would not exist. They have different agendas but are joined by similar features and themes: what are the agendas that drive their differences?
Equivalent to the suppressed society of ‘1984’, Lang’s ‘Metropolis’ encapsulates the abuse of power through the oppressive authoritarian rule of subhuman class workers. A social divide is evident, established through a mise en scene depicting lines of people entering a cage-like elevator descending into the depths. Use of chiaroscuro lighting and dismal costuming of the workers holds negative connotations with their synchronised movements and bowed heads indicating sense of oppression and uniformity. Lang reveals the drastic disparities between the upper and lower classes through frivolous music paired with a long shot of the Club of Sons, juxtaposing the lavish utopia with the worker’s city. These literal levels of Metropolis illustrate the physical power structure and exploitation of the workers. Furthermore, a motif of machinery juxtaposes how workers are treated as expendable tools that exist to support the machines and the city above viewed in a mise en scene of the clock-man. The workers are juxtaposed to the disproportionate size of the machines, highlighting the reduction of humanity as a result of industrialist power abuse. The machine is personified as Moloch, established through a long shot paired with ominous music, metaphorically representing the oppression of the lower classes. A hell-like atmosphere is created, symbolizing the savage exploitation of labour as the workers are being fed into the machine. This is similar to the caricature of Winston as the ‘everyman’,great link a victim authoritarian abuse, who was consumed by the totalitarian state and transformed into an obedient servant. It is evident how social stratifications elevate a sense of control, as totalitarian states illustrate the abusive characteristic government figures. Again, flawless analysis.
Opposition to power and control is revealed through an intellectual recognition of the desire for individual autonomy, as revealed through Winston’s recognition of the value of personal identity. Orwell further explores extremes of control through the absurd neologism of ‘thought-crime’, in which independent dissident thoughts are considered an act of rebellion. Self-expression and individuality, fundamental to the human condition, are condemned by the Party, hyperbolised as insanity. Despite the attempt to control human nature, Winston’s diary is symbolic of his defiance of the system. Repetition of the maxim “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER,” highlights Winston’s rebellion against the Party, and his resistance to their control. Orwell highlights how absolute power and control leads to the complete reduction of humanity, represented through the anticlimactic destruction of Winston. This is juxtaposed to ‘Metropolis’, which explores a positive outcome from rebellion, overcoming the threat of authoritarian power and abolishing control in order to achieve equality within society. This is elevated through the doublethink incongruity of “2+2=5”. Winston’s metaphorical “victory over himself” alludes to the nihilistic notion of the destruction of all values; Orwell posits that rebellion does not lead to redemption, and warns that totalitarian regimes will consequently result in the loss of all moral and sane judgement. Thus, 1984 portrays how rebellion against power results in the extreme degradation of humanity, revealing the methodical process of destruction from power and control.
As a result of excessive power abuse, the usurping of authority can lead to a discovery of a connection and community, which surpasses power structures in society. This is demonstrated within Metropolis, in which Freder’s symbolic rejection of his father highlights his transcendence of socio-political structures that divide the classes. Further, Lang biblically alludes to Maria as a matriarchal figure of power, represented through use of religious iconography of the crucifix, who advocates for the unity of the “thinkers” and the “workers”. The peaceful nature of Maria is juxtaposed to false Maria, who is characterised as the follies of man (the Seven Sins), whose purpose was to divide society and stratify power structures. Avant-garde costuming is utilised to depict the false Maria as the Whore of Babylon and mother of abomination, foreshadowing the downfall of Metropolis, resulting in a literal and metaphorical loss of power in the industrialist city. The power struggle between the classes ironically results in a realisation of need for community and balance. Thus, the overriding of power and control reveals justice in society, depicted through the symbolic Mediator, who joins the opposing masses together. Freder vanquishes the divide of power, fulfilling his role as the Mediator “between the head and hands”, juxtaposed to Winston’s loss of identity due to failure to thwart the system. Lang emphasises that systematic rule can be overcome, and autocratic societies can be transformed, initiating new freedom and expelling the abusive institutions of power and control.
The synthesis of Lang and Orwell’s respective texts reveals the extent of power and control within totalitarian societies, revealed through the distortion of truth through media propaganda. The insatiable nature of power and control is further emphasised through social stratifications, which can ultimately lead to rebellion against authorities. Systematic rule and how it can transform negatively and positively is thus explored.
Your analysis is literally flawless. The way you've captured the elements of each text as having a purpose is really wonderful and definitely something I applaud! The piece of the 20/20 puzzle that is missing, in my opinion, is the treatment of context. So you've identified that the two texts have similar themes. You've identified and proved that the two texts have different ways of expressing these themes. Now, we need to identify what the agenda is behind each text that has caused it to rise to the surface in the way it has. Without going into the life long details of Orwell, it's possible to suggest the importance of 1984 in the point of its creation - why a novel? Why is the protagonist named the way he is? Why do you think Orwell even wrote this novel? Was he explicit or implicit in sharing his message? You don't have to answer these questions in your essay, but work them out for yourself and then decide what you want to push in your essay. As I said, the themes are explored well, the analysis is wonderful, but when we pin it down in context we explore everything that little bit deeper and it gives your essay an edge that you just won't find in stock-standard essays, because you're going just that little bit deeper. And hey, it mightn't taken more than two sentences (in total - it could be broken up and doubled with some analysis) for a paragraph or for a text to have enough context in order to bring your argument up that little more.
If you want to take on this advice, feel free to try and weave context into a paragraph and send it back here and I can let you know if it's fitting as seamlessly as your analysis. Although, given the solid evidence of you being a brilliant writer above, I'm sure it will be great. You should be immensely proud of this, without too much effort you'll be hitting the highest marks I'm sure. You make this look easy!
Thank you so much for your comments! They are really helpful :)
Post by: Snew on May 10, 2017, 05:11:51 pm
Of course!
Thanks Elyse!! In my thesis I was trying to say something like "political motivations and goals are not always easy to understand or clear-cut to the people who are being governed by them, but the continuous motivation for those in power is to achieve such a position of power and further consolidate it." and is represented through the film Wag the Dog - the "represented" part of the statement, if that makes any sense. Do you think a statement like this would be ok, or maybe split it up and like you said, not include the bit about representation in the thesis?
Post by: olr1999 on May 10, 2017, 08:33:46 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 13, 2017, 12:56:21 pm
Hey, just wondering if I could have some feedback on my Mod B essay for an assessment task. It is in class and we receive one of three seen questions to respond to, so the aim is that this essay can be manipulated to answer two other potential questions! Are there any parts that I could make more concise or explain better? Thanks a tonne in advance!
Sorry for the delay olr! Markers have been a little busy this week, but you'll have feedback for this by tomorrow morning at the latest ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 13, 2017, 04:15:30 pm
I was also wondering if I have fulfilled what is required in the marking key :)
I also wanted to say thank you for all the help I received for my previous assessment. I received 73% for it :D
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 13, 2017, 05:41:46 pm
Thanks Elyse!! In my thesis I was trying to say something like "political motivations and goals are not always easy to understand or clear-cut to the people who are being governed by them, but the continuous motivation for those in power is to achieve such a position of power and further consolidate it." and is represented through the film Wag the Dog - the "represented" part of the statement, if that makes any sense. Do you think a statement like this would be ok, or maybe split it up and like you said, not include the bit about representation in the thesis?
Just to reiterate - the political motivations of those in power, won't be clear to those being governed by them. But more or less rest assured that the motivation is to achieve power, or gain more power?
If I'm reading this right, it just sounds a little bit peculiar. I'm just going to play with wording...
"Although the political machinations of the powerful are often not clear to those being governed, the constant goal of those in politics is to gain and consolidate more power."
I'm still not sold on it...it works, don't get me wrong, but it is a bit ambiguous. Perhaps when paired with the rest of your introduction it seems more unique - but right now it doesn't give a marker anything to grab on to! Let me know what you think, perhaps in context it is wonderful!
Hey, just wondering if I could have some feedback on my Mod B essay for an assessment task. It is in class and we receive one of three seen questions to respond to, so the aim is that this essay can be manipulated to answer two other potential questions! Are there any parts that I could make more concise or explain better? Thanks a tonne in advance!
Hey there! I want to give you feedback but I'm getting a 404 error (attachment not found). Do you mind copying and pasting your essay into the comment, or try uploading it again? I've checked with Jamon and neither can download the essay. Sorry to be a pest! We'll mark it for you as soon as we can access it.
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 13, 2017, 05:56:53 pm
Hi I was wondering if I could have feedback on my first comparative essay please :D
I was also wondering if I have fulfilled what is required in the marking key :)
I also wanted to say thank you for all the help I received for my previous assessment. I received 73% for it :D
Hello! Congratulations on your mark :)
As usual, feedback in the spoiler and then a comment about the criteria :)
Spoiler
In a 7-10 minutes oral presentation, students will argue a case for one text being more effective than the other in dealing with that same issue. AV presentation is allowed.
When Elie Wiesel’s autobiography ‘Night’ and the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ are comparatively studied, the differing effectiveness of each text’s presentation of the Holocaust can be seen. Clear and concise - nice! The Holocaust was essentially the mass murder genocide works too,
if you need a synonym. of some 6 million Jews, as well as other persecuted groups such as gypsies and homosexuals. Both works tell the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime in their respective contexts but I feel ‘Night’ is much more effective in presenting the horrors of the Holocaust compared to ‘The Boy in the striped pyjamas’. The autobiography ‘Night’ contains the use of first person point of view, descriptive and emotive language to reinforce the horrors of the Holocaust as a real historical event which happened to real people in the past and to me, reading an autobiography written by a holocaust survivor makes it much more effective. In contrast, ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ relies on lighting and costumes to present the same horror of the Holocaust but lacks impact as a fictional movie when compared to the autobiography ‘Night’ by Wiesel. It doesn't have to be now - but it might be worth clarifying what you think makes an effective representation - evoking emotion? providing facts? providing shocking imagery? Because this is subjective after all :)
One similarity between the two texts is that both the young male protagonists were compliant and resigned to fact that they were powerless in differing circumstances in their respective contexts. However, I believe that Eliezer’s compliance to his daunting predicament in the text ‘Night’ is more effective in depicting the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews.The movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ fails to capture the horror of Holocaust but captures Bruno’s naivety and innocence towards the harsh truth behind his family moving to ‘Out- With’. Great comparison. In one scene, Bruno ‘wanted to look in the back garden’ as he continued his exploration of his new surroundings but was soon stopped and frightened by his mother’s scolding him ‘not in the back garden’.The omission of the reason why he was forbidden to ‘look in the back garden’ and Bruno’s misunderstanding of the name ‘Auschwitz’ and calling it ‘Out-with’ avoids specificity to a certain extent and essentially masks the suffering and inhuman treatment silently endured by persecuted Jews despite Bruno living in immediate proximity to the ‘Auschwitz’ concentration camp. Furthermore, Bruno’s circumstance as a bystander with a lack of courage to simply go against his mother’s order to follow his instinct to explore the back garden touches the surface of the Holocaust 'experience' but omits the details of the barbaric actions of nazis during this period. In contrast, ‘Night’ is considerably more effective due to its confronting approach in depicting the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews through the memories a real survivor of the Holocaust. Happy with this! Great comparison. ‘Night’s use of first person point of view confronts the reader to visualise life as a persecuted Jew. Excellent use of conventions. Using a somber tone along with first person point of view ‘In the air, the smell of burning flesh. We had arrived’ enhances the feeling of defeat and a sense of foreboding from the readers hindsight to the atrocities committed in the concentration camp Eliezer was heading. ‘Night’ illustrates how in the face of suffering and inhuman treatment of fellow Jews Eliezer soon realised rebelling against the Nazi’s would lead to his death and hence succumbed to his predicament. Eliezer’s compliance and resignation to his fate despite the infringement of moral ethics as he is told ‘You will be burned! Burned to a cinder! Turned into ashes’ confronts the reader and is why ‘Night’ is much more effective in telling of the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime
However, the texts differ in that ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ presents the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews through the generic conventions of a movie, whereas ‘Night’ presents this similar issue through the generic conventions of an autobiography. Elie Wiesel’s use of person point of view, emotive and descriptive language as generic conventions of a autobiography in ‘Night’ has influenced me to believe that it is more effective in depicting the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews. In the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ Brunocomma a young Germancomma quickly assumes a Jewish child named Shmuel living in the Auschwitz concentration camp to be dressed in pyjamas through this striped clothing. Bruno’s childlike assumption along with warm and soft lighting emphasises Bruno’s innocence towards to the truth behind Shmuel and his father being kept in ‘Out-With’ rather than the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews. In contrast, ‘Night’ confronts this similar issue through Wiesel’s use of first person point of view and descriptive language ‘ We were still trembling, and with every screech of the wheels, we felt the abyss opening beneath us’ accentuates the somber tone that is created. Furthermore, Wiesel’s use of emotive and descriptive language with person person point of view ‘Never shall I forget those flames which consumed my faith forever. …Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust’ is much more effective due to the fact modern readers are able to draw parallels from their hindsight towards the significance of ‘flames’ to the gas chambers and accelerators used in concentration camps in history. In addition, Wiesel’s I believe that the confronting presentation of the issue of the suffering and inhuman treatment endured by Jews by ‘Night’ is much more effective than the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’.
Both Elie Wiesel’s autobiography ‘Night’ and the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ tell the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime. However, I feel ‘Night’ is much more effective in presenting the horrors of the Holocaust compared to ‘The Boy in the striped pyjamas’. To me, reading an autobiography written by a holocaust survivor makes it much more effective than viewing a fictional movie.
When Elie Wiesel’s autobiography ‘Night’ and the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ are comparatively studied, the differing effectiveness of each text’s presentation of the Holocaust can be seen. Clear and concise - nice! The Holocaust was essentially the mass murder genocide works too,
if you need a synonym. of some 6 million Jews, as well as other persecuted groups such as gypsies and homosexuals. Both works tell the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime in their respective contexts but I feel ‘Night’ is much more effective in presenting the horrors of the Holocaust compared to ‘The Boy in the striped pyjamas’. The autobiography ‘Night’ contains the use of first person point of view, descriptive and emotive language to reinforce the horrors of the Holocaust as a real historical event which happened to real people in the past and to me, reading an autobiography written by a holocaust survivor makes it much more effective. In contrast, ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ relies on lighting and costumes to present the same horror of the Holocaust but lacks impact as a fictional movie when compared to the autobiography ‘Night’ by Wiesel. It doesn't have to be now - but it might be worth clarifying what you think makes an effective representation - evoking emotion? providing facts? providing shocking imagery? Because this is subjective after all :)
One similarity between the two texts is that both the young male protagonists were compliant and resigned to fact that they were powerless in differing circumstances in their respective contexts. However, I believe that Eliezer’s compliance to his daunting predicament in the text ‘Night’ is more effective in depicting the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews.The movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ fails to capture the horror of Holocaust but captures Bruno’s naivety and innocence towards the harsh truth behind his family moving to ‘Out- With’. Great comparison. In one scene, Bruno ‘wanted to look in the back garden’ as he continued his exploration of his new surroundings but was soon stopped and frightened by his mother’s scolding him ‘not in the back garden’.The omission of the reason why he was forbidden to ‘look in the back garden’ and Bruno’s misunderstanding of the name ‘Auschwitz’ and calling it ‘Out-with’ avoids specificity to a certain extent and essentially masks the suffering and inhuman treatment silently endured by persecuted Jews despite Bruno living in immediate proximity to the ‘Auschwitz’ concentration camp. Furthermore, Bruno’s circumstance as a bystander with a lack of courage to simply go against his mother’s order to follow his instinct to explore the back garden touches the surface of the Holocaust 'experience' but omits the details of the barbaric actions of nazis during this period. In contrast, ‘Night’ is considerably more effective due to its confronting approach in depicting the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews through the memories a real survivor of the Holocaust. Happy with this! Great comparison. ‘Night’s use of first person point of view confronts the reader to visualise life as a persecuted Jew. Excellent use of conventions. Using a somber tone along with first person point of view ‘In the air, the smell of burning flesh. We had arrived’ enhances the feeling of defeat and a sense of foreboding from the readers hindsight to the atrocities committed in the concentration camp Eliezer was heading. ‘Night’ illustrates how in the face of suffering and inhuman treatment of fellow Jews Eliezer soon realised rebelling against the Nazi’s would lead to his death and hence succumbed to his predicament. Eliezer’s compliance and resignation to his fate despite the infringement of moral ethics as he is told ‘You will be burned! Burned to a cinder! Turned into ashes’ confronts the reader and is why ‘Night’ is much more effective in telling of the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime
However, the texts differ in that ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ presents the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews through the generic conventions of a movie, whereas ‘Night’ presents this similar issue through the generic conventions of an autobiography. Elie Wiesel’s use of person point of view, emotive and descriptive language as generic conventions of a autobiography in ‘Night’ has influenced me to believe that it is more effective in depicting the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews. In the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ Brunocomma a young Germancomma quickly assumes a Jewish child named Shmuel living in the Auschwitz concentration camp to be dressed in pyjamas through this striped clothing. Bruno’s childlike assumption along with warm and soft lighting emphasises Bruno’s innocence towards to the truth behind Shmuel and his father being kept in ‘Out-With’ rather than the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews. In contrast, ‘Night’ confronts this similar issue through Wiesel’s use of first person point of view and descriptive language ‘ We were still trembling, and with every screech of the wheels, we felt the abyss opening beneath us’ accentuates the somber tone that is created. Furthermore, Wiesel’s use of emotive and descriptive language with person person point of view ‘Never shall I forget those flames which consumed my faith forever. …Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust’ is much more effective due to the fact modern readers are able to draw parallels from their hindsight towards the significance of ‘flames’ to the gas chambers and accelerators used in concentration camps in history. In addition, Wiesel’s I believe that the confronting presentation of the issue of the suffering and inhuman treatment endured by Jews by ‘Night’ is much more effective than the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’.
Both Elie Wiesel’s autobiography ‘Night’ and the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ tell the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime. However, I feel ‘Night’ is much more effective in presenting the horrors of the Holocaust compared to ‘The Boy in the striped pyjamas’. To me, reading an autobiography written by a holocaust survivor makes it much more effective than viewing a fictional movie.
I'm incredibly impressed by this - I think this is the best piece of work I've read from you. You've really tackled the comparison through conventions head on and it's very impressive. I do think there is a bit more merit that could be given to the Boy In the Striped Pyjamas than you have given. During a comparative essay, you can credit both sides. I think that the naivety of the boy could be extended to the general innocence of so many people in the war in general - the boy is innocent, those being killed are innocent, yet they are on different sides of the wall/fence. This, to me, is really quite emotive and effective. I haven't read your other text but based on your discussion of the conventions I'm sure it's wonderful, and I can see that I personally would agree with you in that being more evocative. But, I think you could balance it a little more just by giving due credit to that naivety, which you already discuss, but we could do it in a little more precision.
I think your structure is clear, as per the criteria, I can clearly see the two comparative points with lots of branches throughout, and in terms of your discussion of features, I see no issue there either and I think you've really gotten straight to it and have been very concise, which I know sometimes I've suggested you should be for other responses, so it seems like you're really getting the knack of it.
How do you feel about presenting the speech?
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 13, 2017, 07:45:01 pm
For you comment at the end of my introduction were you looking for something like this? Or something else?
The effectiveness of a text's presentation of a similar issue, in my opinion is based on its ability to evoke emotions from the reader or audience.
I also tried to incorporate your feedback into my third paragraph.
Bruno’s childlike assumption along with warm and soft lighting emphasises Bruno’s innocence towards to the truth behind Shmuel and his father being kept in ‘Out-With’ rather than the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews. In addition, Bruno’s naivety could be extended to reflect the general innocence of so many people who were involved in the Holocaust. Bruno is innocent, those being killed are innocent, yet they are distinctly separated on different sides of the wall and fence of the Auschwitz concentration camp.This, to me, is really quite emotive and effective. It makes a person wonder and contemplate ‘What exactly was the difference? Who decided which people wore the striped pajamas and which people wore the uniforms?’ In contrast, ‘Night’ confronts this similar issue through Wiesel’s use of first person point of view and descriptive language ‘ We were still trembling, and with every screech of the wheels, we felt the abyss opening beneath us’ accentuates the somber tone that is created.
I was also wondering would it be necessary for me to write another paragraph? Most comparative essays I've seen have 3 body paragraphs but would my essay be fine as it is?
I'm not exactly comfortable about what to do to effectively present a speech. Do I simply just read out my essay to treat it as a speech? :-\
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 14, 2017, 06:06:16 am
Thank you Elyse for your help :D I really appreciate itYep! I would adjust it slightly to be more clear with, "The effectiveness of a text's presentation of the Holocaust issue, in my opinion, is based on its ability to evoke emotions from the reader or audience." This is purely because of the subject matter that both texts are dealing with. Because if the content that they were dealing with was comedy, you'd hardly be looking for an emotional response as the criteria.
For you comment at the end of my introduction were you looking for something like this? Or something else?
The effectiveness of a text's presentation of a similar issue, in my opinion is based on its ability to evoke emotions from the reader or audience.
I also tried to incorporate your feedback into my third paragraph.
Bruno’s childlike assumption along with warm and soft lighting emphasises Bruno’s innocence towards to the truth behind Shmuel and his father being kept in ‘Out-With’ rather than the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews. In addition, Bruno’s naivety could be extended to reflect the general innocence of so many people who were involved in the Holocaust. Bruno is innocent, those being killed are innocent, yet they are distinctly separated on different sides of the wall and fence of the Auschwitz concentration camp.This, to me, is really quite emotive and effective. It makes a person wonder and contemplate ‘What exactly was the difference? Who decided which people wore the striped pajamas and which people wore the uniforms?’ In contrast, ‘Night’ confronts this similar issue through Wiesel’s use of first person point of view and descriptive language ‘ We were still trembling, and with every screech of the wheels, we felt the abyss opening beneath us’ accentuates the somber tone that is created.
I was also wondering would it be necessary for me to write another paragraph? Most comparative essays I've seen have 3 body paragraphs but would my essay be fine as it is?
I'm not exactly comfortable about what to do to effectively present a speech. Do I simply just read out my essay to treat it as a speech? :-\
I really love the addition you've made about the Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, that's really solid! As for you needing to add an extra paragraph - you're limited by the length of time you have to speak. I wouldn't think that you'd need to add another paragraph purely because you've seen others do that, because your discussion is quite rich I think! If you have more time to talk, why not fill it? But I think you should time this to see how you go.
I think the easiest way to transfer your essay to a speech is by playing with your tone of voice to see how you can use it to express different things. As you read it out loud to yourself in the mirror, you'll realise what needs to change in order to remain engaging. Manipulation of voice can usually do this!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 14, 2017, 09:34:39 am
I have another question. For my conclusion I'm not sure how I could make it more engaging. :-\
Both Elie Wiesel’s autobiography ‘Night’ and the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ tell the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime. However, I feel ‘Night’ is much more effective in presenting the horrors of the Holocaust compared to ‘The Boy in the striped pyjamas’. To me, reading an autobiography written by a holocaust survivor makes it much more effective than viewing a fictional movie. As Elie Wiesel himself once said ‘For the dead and the living, we must bear witness’ to the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime.
I'm sorry for asking so many questions :O
Yep! I would adjust it slightly to be more clear with, "The effectiveness of a text's presentation of the Holocaust issue, in my opinion, is based on its ability to evoke emotions from the reader or audience." This is purely because of the subject matter that both texts are dealing with. Because if the content that they were dealing with was comedy, you'd hardly be looking for an emotional response as the criteria.
I really love the addition you've made about the Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, that's really solid! As for you needing to add an extra paragraph - you're limited by the length of time you have to speak. I wouldn't think that you'd need to add another paragraph purely because you've seen others do that, because your discussion is quite rich I think! If you have more time to talk, why not fill it? But I think you should time this to see how you go.
I think the easiest way to transfer your essay to a speech is by playing with your tone of voice to see how you can use it to express different things. As you read it out loud to yourself in the mirror, you'll realise what needs to change in order to remain engaging. Manipulation of voice can usually do this!
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 15, 2017, 07:31:20 am
Thank you for you all your help Elyse :D
I have another question. For my conclusion I'm not sure how I could make it more engaging. :-\
Both Elie Wiesel’s autobiography ‘Night’ and the movie ‘The boy in the striped pyjamas’ tell the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime. However, I feel ‘Night’ is much more effective in presenting the horrors of the Holocaust compared to ‘The Boy in the striped pyjamas’. To me, reading an autobiography written by a holocaust survivor makes it much more effective than viewing a fictional movie. As Elie Wiesel himself once said ‘For the dead and the living, we must bear witness’ to the issue of the suffering and inhumane treatment endured by persecuted Jews during the German Nazi regime.
I'm sorry for asking so many questions :O
I don't see any faults in this conclusion, so to say, especially because you're delivery will be what makes it! I can suggest a way to be more creative, but I've not studied your texts so I can't identify exactly what you should use. But if you can find a quote from the text that is thought provoking, perhaps you can propose it to your audience at the end, as both a rhetorical question but also as a way of proving the effectiveness of the text. Else, you could make your own kind of metaphor or imagery that follows the same vein of trying to show a rhetorical question to get your audience to empathise with your perspective. Does this make sense at all? To repeat, I don't know your texts well enough to give an exact suggestion, but hopefully this gives you a creative idea!
Post by: olr1999 on May 15, 2017, 11:08:41 am
Thank you!
Hey there! I want to give you feedback but I'm getting a 404 error (attachment not found). Do you mind copying and pasting your essay into the comment, or try uploading it again? I've checked with Jamon and neither can download the essay. Sorry to be a pest! We'll mark it for you as soon as we can access it.
Yeats imparts that with age there often comes a sense of melancholy and isolation, however, it can also heighten the appreciation of the surroundings of the individual and achieve a greater understanding of its beauty. The powerful representation of love, melancholy and isolation captivates readers due to the depth of these emotions in the human experience. Their association with these emotions allows for comprehension of the poems’ treatment of age and beauty and subsequent resonance of the ideas outside of the texts.
Yeats manipulates the emotions felt by the reader in response to the poem in order to communicate that age, while bringing an increased understanding of oneself and their surroundings, can also evoke isolation and melancholy through the realisation of one’s inabilities. In ‘Wild Swans At Coole,’ the imagery evoked by the number inversion of ‘nine-and-fifty swans,’ removes the reader from reality as it causes them to be destabilised, which in turn causes them to feel isolated. In this way the audience experiences the intense emotions of the persona, which positions them to consider the ideas presented through this. Professor John Kelly of Oxford University comments on Yeats’ use of the question mark throughout his works as a device which allows the questions asked to resonate outside of the poem; questions ‘that are perhaps irresolvable’. Thus through ‘to find they have flown away?’ the ideas evoked by the poem remain with the audience after their reading of the poem. Furthermore, swans are paired for life, therefore the odd number of swans indicates a sense of the isolation of the persona. While there exists a feeling of isolation however, the growth in understanding that comes with age is indicated through ‘and now my heart is sore’ as the temporal reference shows that the persona did not previously acknowledge the inability to control his surroundings. The passing of time that brought the persona to his epiphany is indicated through ‘the nineteenth Autumn’ which also encompasses the persona’s desire to capture the moment, as the ‘count’ represents his ability to comprehend and have control over his surroundings. The temporal reference paired with ‘sore’ communicates that the increased understanding that comes with age, can also bring an abiding sense of sadness.
‘When You Are Old’ evokes a sense of isolation in the reader through its imperative tone and use of second person, however it interrogates mainly the melancholy that can come with regret and how a sense of loneliness arises from this. The iambic pentameter, three perfect quatrains and ABBA rhyming sequence paired with the high modality of ‘when’ communicates the certainty of the words within the poem and thus the regret of the beloved if she refuses his love, which further contributes to the overall tone of melancholy. From this, a sense of regret is brought forward, particularly through ‘nodding by the fire’ as it foregrounds the idea that the subject is confined to a life concerned only with the private, domestic sphere. The idea of this restrictive lifestyle gives the audience a sense of the isolation associated with the perceived loss of mobility and autonomy for the subject. While melancholy is prominent in the poem, it is undercut by the writer’s intense love for the subject. The juxtaposition of ‘many…loved your beauty’ and ‘but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you’ communicates the depth of the persona’s love and suggests his care for the beloved, through implying the insincerity of her ‘many’ lovers. Despite a true love for an individual, however, Yeats’ powerful description of the natural world is upheld.
The beauty of the natural world can merely be appreciated and not captured because the passage of time is relentless. As a result of the dominance of the natural world, communicated in ‘Wild Swans At Coole,’ the audience is positioned to feel inadequate and possessing no control. The persona develops an understanding of the inability to capture a perfect moment which is emphasised by the change in imagery from ‘the water Mirrors a still sky’ to ‘suddenly mount.’ The stillness conveyed in the first stanza evokes an idea of the predictability of nature, however use of ‘suddenly’ highlights the idea that this is not the case. Furthermore, in the first stanza, use of ‘s,’ ‘w’ and ‘m’ sounds creates a sense of the tranquillity of nature, through creation of euphony. The peacefulness is underpinned by the absence of reference to mankind, which is predictable in its elemental emotionality. The peace is later disrupted by the plosive sounds in ‘scatter wheeling in great broken rings’ which is also emphasised by the use of assonance. The first person in the second stanza places the speaker in the scene and paired with the passive voice in ‘The nineteenth autumn has come upon me’, indicates the relentlessness of the passage of time. The persona’s powerlessness reinforces the melancholy that comes with isolation which in turn creates a powerful response of sympathy in the audience, as the emotions and ideas are carried with them outside of the poem.
Yeats’ conveys that it is through reflection on the past, and a realisation of one’s regrets and inabilities that an individual gains a sense of their own melancholy and the ensuing isolation. Readers are left captivated and ideas resonate within their own lives after the end of the poem.
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 15, 2017, 09:48:36 pm
Thank you!
Thank you so much for re-sending your essay, apologies for the delay! I studied (and loved studying) Yeats so this has worked out well!
The comments are in the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
Yeats imparts that with age there often comes a sense of melancholy and isolation, however, it I was confused by what the "it" is seeing as we were presented with two other noun features after "age" so I had to re-read to recognise the "it" is age. Perhaps writing, "melancholy and isolation, yet age may also heighten..." will do the trick. can also heighten the appreciation of the surroundings of the individual and achieve a greater understanding of its beauty. Nice! Broad, yet unique. The powerful representation of love, melancholy and isolation captivates readers due to the depth of these emotions in the human experience. Their association with these emotions allows for comprehension of the poems’ treatment of age and beauty and subsequent resonance of the ideas outside of the texts.
Yeats manipulates the emotions felt by the reader in response to the poem in order to communicate that age, while bringing an increased understanding of oneself and their surroundings, can also evoke isolation and melancholy through the realisation of one’s inabilities. Wonderful, very succinct :) In ‘Wild Swans At Coole,’ the imagery evoked by the number inversion of ‘nine-and-fifty swans,’ removes the reader from reality as it causes them to be destabilised, which in turn causes them to feel isolated. In this way the audience experiences the intense emotions of the persona, which positions them to consider the ideas presented through this. Professor John Kelly of Oxford University comments on Yeats’ use of the question mark throughout his works as a device which allows the questions asked to resonate outside of the poem; questions ‘that are perhaps irresolvable’. Thus through ‘to find they have flown away?’ Really seamless and academic incorporation of perspective here! The fact that you've paired it with the effect on the audience is absolutely stellar. the ideas evoked by the poem remain with the audience after their reading of the poem. Furthermore, swans are paired for life, therefore the odd number of swans indicates a sense of the isolation of the persona. While there exists a feeling of isolation however, the growth in understanding that comes with age is indicated through ‘and now my heart is sore’ as the temporal reference shows that the persona did not previously acknowledge the inability to control his surroundings. The passing of time that brought the persona to his epiphany is indicated through ‘the nineteenth Autumn’ which also encompasses the persona’s desire to capture the moment, as the ‘count’ represents his ability to comprehend and have control over his surroundings. The temporal reference paired with ‘sore’ communicates that the increased understanding that comes with age, can also bring an abiding sense of sadness.
‘When You Are Old’ evokes a sense of isolation in the reader through its imperative tone and use of second person, however it interrogates mainly the melancholy that can come with regret and how a sense of loneliness arises from this. The iambic pentameter, three perfect quatrains and ABBA rhyming sequence paired with the high modality of ‘when’ Not so sure about this analysis - high modality...I'm thinking about it and I think the definitiveness actually comes from the use of the second person pronoun, because "when" isn't actually a very determinative word on it's own. I know what you are saying, the shock comes from the fact that Yeats is pinpointing a moment in the future. Or more accurately, a moment that is undesirable to consider. I think your analysis of this opening was strong enough without the "when" although it does make sense to me, it just seems like one of the longer ways to get to saying what you need to say...it detracts. communicates the certainty of the words within the poem and thus the regret of the beloved if she refuses his love, which further contributes to the overall tone of melancholy. From this, a sense of regret is brought forward, particularly through ‘nodding by the fire’ as it foregrounds the idea that the subject is confined to a life concerned only with the private, domestic sphere. Wonderful. The idea of this restrictive lifestyle gives the audience a sense of the isolation associated with the perceived loss of mobility and autonomy for the subject. While melancholy is prominent in the poem, it is undercut by the writer’s intense love for the subject. The juxtaposition of ‘many…loved your beauty’ and ‘but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you’ communicates the depth of the persona’s love and suggests his care for the beloved, through implying the insincerity of her ‘many’ lovers. Despite a true love for an individual, however, Yeats’ powerful description of the natural world is upheld. In my personal opinion, I think When You Are Old is a poem that is quite limiting - in both its length and its complexity. You compare it to a poem like the Second Coming,
and you realise this poem lacks the layers that the others have. In saying this, you've mastered discussing the simpler poem with sophisticated language,
and you've really elevated the response with the inclusion of the academic - that was really well placed and very sophisticated. I'm suggesting to you what my teacher suggested to me: learn and study When You Are Old, but if you're given the chance to choose poems, you'll likely find more links in the other poems because they have more complex layers to draw on.
The beauty of the natural world can merely be appreciated and not captured because the passage of time is relentless. As a result of the dominance of the natural world, communicated in ‘Wild Swans At Coole,’ the audience is positioned to feel inadequate and possessing no control. The persona develops an understanding of the inability to capture a perfect moment which is emphasised by the change in imagery from ‘the water Mirrors a still sky’ to ‘suddenly mount.’ The stillness conveyed in the first stanza evokes an idea of the predictability of nature, however use of ‘suddenly’ highlights the idea that this is not the case. Furthermore, in the first stanza, use of ‘s,’ ‘w’ and ‘m’ sounds creates a sense of the tranquillity of nature, through the creation of euphony. The peacefulness is underpinned by the absence of reference to humankind*, which is predictable in its elemental emotionality. The peace is later disrupted by the plosive sounds in ‘scatter wheeling in great broken rings’ which is also emphasised by the use of assonance. The first person in the second stanza places the speaker in the scene and paired with the passive voice in ‘The nineteenth autumn has come upon me’, indicates the relentlessness of the passage of time. The persona’s powerlessness reinforces the melancholy that comes with isolation which in turn creates a powerful response of sympathy in the audience, as the emotions and ideas are carried with them outside of the poem.
Yeats’ conveys that it is through reflection on the past, and a realisation of one’s regrets and inabilities that an individual gains a sense of their own melancholy and the ensuing isolation. Readers are left captivated and ideas resonate within their own lives after the end of the poem.
Yeats manipulates the emotions felt by the reader in response to the poem in order to communicate that age, while bringing an increased understanding of oneself and their surroundings, can also evoke isolation and melancholy through the realisation of one’s inabilities. Wonderful, very succinct :) In ‘Wild Swans At Coole,’ the imagery evoked by the number inversion of ‘nine-and-fifty swans,’ removes the reader from reality as it causes them to be destabilised, which in turn causes them to feel isolated. In this way the audience experiences the intense emotions of the persona, which positions them to consider the ideas presented through this. Professor John Kelly of Oxford University comments on Yeats’ use of the question mark throughout his works as a device which allows the questions asked to resonate outside of the poem; questions ‘that are perhaps irresolvable’. Thus through ‘to find they have flown away?’ Really seamless and academic incorporation of perspective here! The fact that you've paired it with the effect on the audience is absolutely stellar. the ideas evoked by the poem remain with the audience after their reading of the poem. Furthermore, swans are paired for life, therefore the odd number of swans indicates a sense of the isolation of the persona. While there exists a feeling of isolation however, the growth in understanding that comes with age is indicated through ‘and now my heart is sore’ as the temporal reference shows that the persona did not previously acknowledge the inability to control his surroundings. The passing of time that brought the persona to his epiphany is indicated through ‘the nineteenth Autumn’ which also encompasses the persona’s desire to capture the moment, as the ‘count’ represents his ability to comprehend and have control over his surroundings. The temporal reference paired with ‘sore’ communicates that the increased understanding that comes with age, can also bring an abiding sense of sadness.
‘When You Are Old’ evokes a sense of isolation in the reader through its imperative tone and use of second person, however it interrogates mainly the melancholy that can come with regret and how a sense of loneliness arises from this. The iambic pentameter, three perfect quatrains and ABBA rhyming sequence paired with the high modality of ‘when’ Not so sure about this analysis - high modality...I'm thinking about it and I think the definitiveness actually comes from the use of the second person pronoun, because "when" isn't actually a very determinative word on it's own. I know what you are saying, the shock comes from the fact that Yeats is pinpointing a moment in the future. Or more accurately, a moment that is undesirable to consider. I think your analysis of this opening was strong enough without the "when" although it does make sense to me, it just seems like one of the longer ways to get to saying what you need to say...it detracts. communicates the certainty of the words within the poem and thus the regret of the beloved if she refuses his love, which further contributes to the overall tone of melancholy. From this, a sense of regret is brought forward, particularly through ‘nodding by the fire’ as it foregrounds the idea that the subject is confined to a life concerned only with the private, domestic sphere. Wonderful. The idea of this restrictive lifestyle gives the audience a sense of the isolation associated with the perceived loss of mobility and autonomy for the subject. While melancholy is prominent in the poem, it is undercut by the writer’s intense love for the subject. The juxtaposition of ‘many…loved your beauty’ and ‘but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you’ communicates the depth of the persona’s love and suggests his care for the beloved, through implying the insincerity of her ‘many’ lovers. Despite a true love for an individual, however, Yeats’ powerful description of the natural world is upheld. In my personal opinion, I think When You Are Old is a poem that is quite limiting - in both its length and its complexity. You compare it to a poem like the Second Coming,
and you realise this poem lacks the layers that the others have. In saying this, you've mastered discussing the simpler poem with sophisticated language,
and you've really elevated the response with the inclusion of the academic - that was really well placed and very sophisticated. I'm suggesting to you what my teacher suggested to me: learn and study When You Are Old, but if you're given the chance to choose poems, you'll likely find more links in the other poems because they have more complex layers to draw on.
The beauty of the natural world can merely be appreciated and not captured because the passage of time is relentless. As a result of the dominance of the natural world, communicated in ‘Wild Swans At Coole,’ the audience is positioned to feel inadequate and possessing no control. The persona develops an understanding of the inability to capture a perfect moment which is emphasised by the change in imagery from ‘the water Mirrors a still sky’ to ‘suddenly mount.’ The stillness conveyed in the first stanza evokes an idea of the predictability of nature, however use of ‘suddenly’ highlights the idea that this is not the case. Furthermore, in the first stanza, use of ‘s,’ ‘w’ and ‘m’ sounds creates a sense of the tranquillity of nature, through the creation of euphony. The peacefulness is underpinned by the absence of reference to humankind*, which is predictable in its elemental emotionality. The peace is later disrupted by the plosive sounds in ‘scatter wheeling in great broken rings’ which is also emphasised by the use of assonance. The first person in the second stanza places the speaker in the scene and paired with the passive voice in ‘The nineteenth autumn has come upon me’, indicates the relentlessness of the passage of time. The persona’s powerlessness reinforces the melancholy that comes with isolation which in turn creates a powerful response of sympathy in the audience, as the emotions and ideas are carried with them outside of the poem.
Yeats’ conveys that it is through reflection on the past, and a realisation of one’s regrets and inabilities that an individual gains a sense of their own melancholy and the ensuing isolation. Readers are left captivated and ideas resonate within their own lives after the end of the poem.
I think this is a wonderful essay. There is evidently a portion that is missing, and that is the direction, the thread, that comes with incorporating an essay question. At the moment it seems like there's lots of interesting and related ideas floating around, but they aren't all connected yet. Which is fair, because as you said this is an essay you're going to adapt. There are some very interesting points you've brought up that I haven't actually considered before in my own studies, like the lack of humankind description in Wild Swans. This is, a module B response, and you've ticked off the boxes about engaging with the audience, and your introduction really deals with the oeuvre as a whole, and then you flesh out the poems individually throughout. Consider When You Are old carefully - as I personally think the other poems give you more scope and result in a more in depth analysis. But, as I said, you've handled this poem really eloquently. It's not necessary for the best marks, but if you could incorporate another scholar in your second paragraph the way you did so seamlessly in your first paragraph, I'd be interested to see who you draw on. I genuinely am incredibly impressed with the way you paired a simple poem with a clever analysis of a question mark - props to you!
Post by: olr1999 on May 16, 2017, 09:04:33 am
Thank you so much for re-sending your essay, apologies for the delay! I studied (and loved studying) Yeats so this has worked out well!
The comments are in the spoiler below :)
I think this is a wonderful essay. There is evidently a portion that is missing, and that is the direction, the thread, that comes with incorporating an essay question. At the moment it seems like there's lots of interesting and related ideas floating around, but they aren't all connected yet. Which is fair, because as you said this is an essay you're going to adapt. There are some very interesting points you've brought up that I haven't actually considered before in my own studies, like the lack of humankind description in Wild Swans. This is, a module B response, and you've ticked off the boxes about engaging with the audience, and your introduction really deals with the oeuvre as a whole, and then you flesh out the poems individually throughout. Consider When You Are old carefully - as I personally think the other poems give you more scope and result in a more in depth analysis. But, as I said, you've handled this poem really eloquently. It's not necessary for the best marks, but if you could incorporate another scholar in your second paragraph the way you did so seamlessly in your first paragraph, I'd be interested to see who you draw on. I genuinely am incredibly impressed with the way you paired a simple poem with a clever analysis of a question mark - props to you!
Thank you so much, this is very helpful!
Post by: Bubbly_bluey on May 17, 2017, 09:38:51 am
Thanks :)
Post by: fizaac on May 17, 2017, 09:17:47 pm
HEY! Please save my essay :((( my english teacher gives no feedback and im struggling to hit that A Range!
Thankyou soo much :)))
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 18, 2017, 09:05:51 am
Metropolis and 1984 (MOD A) " How is the intertextual perspectives of power explored in the texts?"
HEY! Please save my essay :((( my english teacher gives no feedback and im struggling to hit that A Range!
Thankyou soo much :)))
Hey there! Thanks for coming to us with your essay! Unfortunately, we have a post requirement of 15 in order to get a full piece marked. Not to fear, by answering other student's questions, asking your own questions, and hovering around the forums, you'll get there in no time - and definitely before trials!
Hope to see you online some more soon :)
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on May 18, 2017, 10:57:28 pm
Within the poem, Dulce Et Decorum Est illuminates great and strong images to attract the audience within the world of poetry. The poem Dulce Et Decorum Est by Owen conveys a reconstructed way that the viscous government was seen as an ‘unfriendly’ inmate with ‘all Blind’ to ‘Drunk with fatigue’ groups. The metaphor ‘’Blind and drunk’’ highlights the government's use of power and high authority towards its people. The betrayal upon the soldier's guides as damaging the young ‘men's’ innocence bodies left scarred, drawing to the audience the terrible lost upon the soldiers. Owen’s body of work illustrates to the reader the highly fails of the government and its disgusting deceiving character. Owen’s use of the word ‘ men’ within the line ‘Men marched asleep many lost their boots’ sustains the innocence in groups, demonstrating that these young soldiers are not yet ready for the battlefield and the government is an evil predator for nature. The governments have been peeled and shamed towards the contemporary audience of their betrayal of these young innocent ‘men’ exposing them to reality such as ‘ drowning, choking. These young men have been left for dead in the line ‘ And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime’’, expresses in dying in an unnatural death for their fulfillments. These work of Owen enables the audience to draw themselves into the world of poetry.
The Poem, Anthem for Doomed Youth Owen commands the contemporary audience to feel the conditions of the young soldiers in the battlefield within the poem Anthem for Doomed Youth. The poem Anthem for Doomed Youth Owen highlights the waste in the battlefield and how the young who have served their lives and passed away have not been recognized, illustrating ‘’ Who die as cattle’’ rather than a traditional passing. The use symbolism ‘’cattle’’ in the line ‘’ what passing-bells for these who die as cattle’’ spotlights how the young soldiers have been left shattered in tears with sorrow in comparison in having a ceremonial funeral. The devilious government slack in giving the innocent young a suitable traditional church burial highlights how the ‘’boys’’ have been let-down even after death. In the line ‘’ The shrill demented choirs of wailing shells’’, the use of Metaphor, and personification draws the audience the horrific, and horror sounds of the guns in the battlefield as Owen conveys a nightmare war. This image illuminates with in distinction with the authorities false image, enabling the composer to sight the horrible lies about the government in telling ‘’ No mockeries now for them’’ exposes the political false deceptive lies. Within the line ‘’ Only the monstrous anger of the guns’’ publishes the terrible image of the soldiers only receiving gunfires, and the horror of war. These images of war conveys and encounters the audience that the fact of war is a total waste of time, and pointless. Owen’s ideology of work highlights the young soldiers thought of war, but however were betrayed and left abandoned.
Dulce Et Decorum Est the poem, Wilfred Owen enables the audience to sight the deceiving empathy of war into the world of poetry. The poem Dulce Et Decorum Est Owen communicates the falsehood and lies about the battlefield taught by the government. In the line ‘’ Men marched asleep’’, instead of a normal day. A use of metaphor and the alliterated word ‘’M’’ in the line ‘’Men marched asleep many lost their boots’’ emphasises that many young soldiers have been put- down in a humiliating manner. This indicates that the authorities have conveyed lying deception messages of war towards the soldiers. The use of ‘’ onomatopoeia’’ and ‘simile’ within the line ‘’ Knock-Kneed coughing like hags we cursed through sludge’’, illustrates towards the responder the horrific lies towards the soldiers propagandized by the government, as Wilfred utilizes as a lying land. This highly depicts with the authorities deceptive portrayal image, allowing the contemporary audience to get a sight of the authorities lies told to ‘’children ardent for some desperate glory’’ shaming the government's horrible deceiving falsehood. The line ‘’ Gas! Gas! Quick boys!’ illuminates their incapacity and inexperienced young soldiers. This tells the fabrication highly communicated by the powerful authority. Owen’s use of work retells the composer the hypocritical lies from the government. The work of Owen highlights that war is a waste of time and useless. Overall, this enables this draws the audience in the world of poetry.
Hello i like to get my Module B a close study text by Wilfred Owen marked its not finished yet, but like to see how well it has gone so far thanks!!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 18, 2017, 11:12:49 pm
Hello i like to get my Module B a close study text by Wilfred Owen marked its not finished yet, but like to see how well it has gone so far thanks!!!
Hey! I've let you know this a few times - We require 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked! This is to make sure the markers can keep up with demand ;D you are 8 posts right now, so you need 7 more! Full essay marking rules are available at the link in my signature ;D
Post by: maria1999 on May 21, 2017, 10:30:32 pm
I have an assessment task on T.S Eliot and was wondering if someone could take a look on what I've written. Thank you so much in advance!!
This is the question:
How does the poetry of T.S. Eliot use distinctive images to critique ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century?
We also need to reference this passage:The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep
[/i]Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep
Distinctive imagery is used within creative mediums such as poetry to elicit meaning from their subject matter and encourage dynamic responses from their audiences. These images are particularly effective in critiquing the nature of modern society as prevalent in T.S Eliot's oeuvre, “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock” and “Rhapsody on a Windy Night”. Eliot critiques modern life at the beginning of the 20th century as fragmented and weary. The desolate urban landscape that contextualises his poems within a world of figurative decay is demonstrative of his overall examination of the role of modernity and isolation within the lives of a modern day individual.
The influence of modernity is particularly prevalent within the imagery of modernist literature; The ramification of this cultural shift from romantic optimism to pessimistic cynicism saturates the imagery within poetry such as that of T.S Eliot, particularly within his poem “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock”. TThe landscape within the text is presented through a series of images of “half-deserted streets...that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent”, illustrating Eliot’s critique that the journey of modern life is monotonous and with menacing intentions that lead individuals to believe that their existence has substance and meaning. The manipulation of traditional punctuation transforms the entire first stanza into one, twelve lined sentence. This subversion of conventional poetic features manifests Eliot’s examination of reality as non-linear and non-sensical. Images of urban decay are used to effectively explore the contemporary societal sickness that has come as a result of newly emerging modernist ideals. This image of urban squalor is elicited in the vision of “restless nights in one-night cheap hotels” in the way that Eliot’s examines the moral decay that has infected society in the erosion of the ancien regime. Feline imagery is depicted in the personification of the “yellow smoke that rubbed its muzzle on the window panes”. The image of smoke is particularly prevalent within Eliot’s poetry as it alludes to the rapidly industrialising society at the beginning of the 20th century. The distinctive description of yellow smoke can be seen to have negative connotations as it is reminiscent of the yellowish tinge of jaundice which is further demonstration of how Eliot inherently links the notion of modernity with sickness.
“Rhapsody on a Windy Night” see’s Eliot explore the same societal deprivation that has come as a result of “modernity”. The nonlinear structure of the poem is Eliot’s simultaneous comment that humanity is unable to connect the fragmented and broken pieces of its consciousness. The image of attenuated light through the “lunar synthesis” furthers this idea as Eliot alludes to humans only seeing a pale reflection of the truth. The motif of light is carried through in the personification of the street lamps that “sputtered” and “muttered”. This in turn is reflective of the idea that mere inanimate objects are capable of more agency than human beings who are thus constrained by their context of the early 20th century. Eliot writes within a zeitgeist where society was in a transitory state with the “old ways” slowly becoming negligible. In wake of this, Eliot uses the metaphorical imagery of an “old carb with barnacles on his back” to illustrate the ancien regime that attempts to “grip” onto the fringes of rapidly modernising society. Within “Rhapsody” Eliot conveys the premise that because of this transition, there can only ever be glimpses of humanities former greatness. The olfactory imagery used in describing the “smells of dust and eau de Cologne” elicits this notion and the understanding of one’s own mortality. Eliot’s examination of the repercussions which the influence of modernity can bring to modern life is demonstrative of its role within the life of a modern day individual.
The isolating nature of modern life at a time where society was rapidly shifting in all facets is heavily explored in the oeuvre of T.S Eliot. The poem, “The Lovesong of J.Alfred Prufrock” is presented as a melancholy stream of consciousness as the persona makes his way throughout the streets of London isolated by his own self-inflicted alienation. The aquatic imagery used in the poem, particularly that of the crab, see’s Eliot liken Prufrock’s consciousness to that of a “pair of ragged claws/scuttling across the floors of silent seas”. The strong characterisation of Prufrock as a crustacean that is continually lingering between predicaments, unable to make decisions is particularly effective in describing the state of modern man at beginning of the twentieth century. Eliot examines the nature of society at the time through his critique of industrialization and it’s place in modern life. The image of the “smoke that rises from the pipes of lonely men in shirt sleeves, leaning out of windows” alludes to Eliot attributing humanity’s state of fragmentation and their yearning to return to a previous state of being to the rapidly industrialising society of the 20th century. Eliot employs the use of symbolism when he presents the image of a cat that “licked its tongue into the corners of the evening”. This is seen to be an allegory for human existence that is characterised by the animals feline traits; selfish with only the means to be concerned of its subjective well being. The artificiality of the human psyche plagues modern reality in the world where Prufrock must “prepare a face to meet the faces”. Eliot examines this requirement to conform to society's standards in expense of our moral identities in his critique of modern life and it’s isolating consequences at the beginning of the twentieth century.
Eliot similarly critiques the repercussions of isolation within modern life at the beginning of the twentieth century within “Rhapsody”. Similar to Prufrock, the author attributes the fragmented nature of human consciousness to the newly emerging modernist ideals which have replaced seemingly antiquated perspectives on the world. The metaphorical image of a “broken spring in a factory yard” see’s Eliot allude to our own consciousness being broken by the concept of industrialisation and modernity. Typical of his modernist roots, the oeuvre of T.S Eliot occupies the idea that human individuals are isolated from one another because their understanding of the world is entirely subjective. This separation has thus caused modern life to become futile in regards to the possibility of human connection. The persona within “Rhapsody” experiences this denial in the solipsistic image of a child that “pocketed a toy..along the quay”, and thus is unable to relate and resonate with his human counterparts as he “could see nothing behind that child’s eye”. The synecdoche employed is representative of this disconnected alienation as Eliot’s critique, that is focalised from his modernist perspective, is proved to be true through the persona’s experience. As alienation is presented to have such wrought consequences in the protagonists stream of consciousness, Eliot draws thematic connections between the role of modernity in the plight of individuals during the zeitgeist which he writes.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 22, 2017, 10:06:45 pm
Hi,
I have an in-class task on wednesday that is on this set question regarding the poetry of T.S.Eliot, How does the poetry of T.S.Eliot use distinctive images to critique ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century?
I was wondering if i might be able to get some feedback on what I've written as I feel really uncertain with this module and I've really struggled to write the essay, thankyou!
Hey, sure thing Tahlia! I've attached your essay with feedback in bold:
Spoiler
How does the poetry of T.S.Eliot use distinctive images to critique ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century?
T.S. Eliot uses distinctive images to critique the insecure and fractured nature of ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. Great start to introduce the text - Perhaps play with a more general opening to introduce the idea. "The effectiveness of a composer is often determined by their ability to craft images for the responder that convey their purpose," or something. THEN launch into your text. Eliot’s modernist form dictates his critique of ‘modern life’ in his poetry, moving away from the Romanticism of the 18th and 19th century and instead engaging with the uncertain and futile nature of contemporary life, amidst the tensions of pre-war Europe. Fantastic contextual links. Both ‘The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock’ (1915) and ‘Preludes’ (1920) communicate Eliot’s critique of the fundamentally fractured nature of life for the modern day individual. On the whole, excellent introduction. Adding a brief breakdown of the themes/ideas you'll cover in the essay would benefit you.
Eliot’s critique of the uncertainty of ‘modern life’ is explored throughout the distinctive imagery of ‘The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock’. The insecure and hesitant nature of the poem’s protagonist, Prufrock, is reflective of, and critiques, the uncertainty and paralysis of urban, modern life. The desolate, urban landscape depicted in Prufrock’s stream of consciousness articulates Eliot’s discontent and critique of middle class society at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. These are fantastic ideas, but I'm missing techniques - HOW are these images created? What choices does Elliot make to make them obvious? You are better off launching straight into the analysis that follows this sentence -> The personification of the “yellow smoke” that “Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening” and “Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains” embodies the uncertainty of Prufrock and that of ‘modern-man’. Great. The feline imagery of a cat lingering pathetically on the outside of a house asserts to Prufrock avoiding, yet desiring, physical contact, communicating Eliot’s discontent with the timidity of modern society. The urban image of a cockroach “pinned and wriggling on the wall” embodies Eliot’s critique of the uncertain and timid nature of modern life. Fantastic analysis here, love your style. Prufrock is exposed as a specimen, lacking free will at the expense of his fear and uncertainty that hinder his ability to act. The rhetorical question of “Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis” further illustrates the indecisiveness of modern living. The imagery of a middle-class setting communicates Eliot’s criticism of the timidity of the modern day individual, constantly shying away from decisions and hiding behind the comforts of everyday life. Evidently, T.S.Eliot critiques the uncertainty associated with ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century through the distinctive imagery of Prufrock’s stream of consciousness. Love this paragraph - Excellent work here Tahlia. I'd love to see you recognise the audience in a more obvious way, what effect exactly do these distinctive images have on us?
Similarly, ‘Preludes’ echoes the uncertainty and timidity of ‘Prufrock’ through Eliot’s depiction of everyday living in a desolate, urban landscape. Nice logical flow of argument here. The poem presents decaying images of a city and its inhabitants through fragments of daily existence, revealing the uncertainty and inaction of humanity due to the fractured nature of ‘modern life’. Eliot’s critique of modern consciousness as fragmented and illogical is evident in “The thousand sordid images...flickered against the ceiling”. These ‘images’ reflect the uncertainty of the modern day individual, such as Prufrock, attempting to make sense of our fractured understanding of human existence. Excellent - Nice link to the first paragraph as well. The speaker’s “vision of the street As the street hardly understands” reveals the reality of life’s uncertainty. The agency of the landscape reveals Eliot’s critique of modern life’s uncertainty, arguing that our fragmented consciousness dictates how we perceive and often misinterpret our modern world. Eliot’s critique of the uncertainty of modern consciousness is further conveyed through that of “...a blackened street Impatient to assume the world”. Be sure to have a technique with EVERY textual reference - A quote without a technique is immediately not as analytically strong as the rest of your points. It sticks out when the rest is so good! Eliot critiques the uncertainty of modern life, again, through the agency of the ‘blackened street’, alluding to humanity’s inability to understand the reality of modern existence. Thus, the distinctive imagery of a desolate, urban landscapes in ‘Preludes’ reveals the uncertainty and fractured nature of ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. Another fantastic paragraph.
Eliot’s poetry also critiques the alienating and futile experience of ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. The isolated images of urban life in ‘The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock’ embody “the idea of a life not fully lived”, which is “central to (Eliot’s) poetry” (Craig Raine). Nice inclusion of a critique - I never used these myself, but I think having the qualification/brief details of the person providing it would be beneficial. Even just, 'literary critic' or something. The alienating nature of modern life is personified through the “yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes”, which implies the looking out of Prufrock who is trapped by his own uncertainty. Slight expression issue there, the 'looking out of Prufrock.' His reality and clarity is obscured by the ‘smoke’ of his paralyzed and timid nature, leading to his alienation within society. Eliot reveals the futility of modern life, due to such alienation, through Prufrock’s statement of “measuring out (his) life with coffee spoons”. The hyperbole articulates how Prufrock has spent his life procrastinating due to his overwhelming anxiety and uncertainty, reflecting Eliot’s critique of the insecurities and inaction of people in modern daily existence. Nice! Try and get the quote and technique in the same sentence - It will flow better! The futility of ‘modern life’ is further critiqued in the metaphoric imagery of a crab, “Scuttling across the floors of silent seas”. The repetitive action of a crap ‘scuttling’ along the ocean floor is symbolic of the monotony and futility of Prufrock’s life, due to his constant state of procrastination and inner turmoil as to whether he should act. Be sure to have a proper conclusion for your paragraphs, as you did above! This paragraph also doesn't refer to 'distinctive images,' it could answer the question more effectively!
The alienating and futile nature of ‘modern life’ is also evident in ‘Preludes’, in which Eliot critiques the monotony of urban existence and subsequent futility of modern life. The opening image of the poem, “The winter evening settles down”, illustrates a cold and barren setting in which nothing flourishes. The personification of the ‘winter evening’ articulates the omnipresent, alienation of modern life that engulfs all aspects of everyday living, similar to that of a chilling, winter’s evening. Good. Eliot highlights the futility of modern life through the description of modern man “...trampled by insistent feet At four and five and six o’clock”. The consistent iambic rhythm replicates the monotony of life’s daily routine, implying a “...growing sense of alienation and isolation in a world wherein daily existence is synonymous with ‘living death’” (Steve Ellis). Again, great use of critique - But would still be better to have the technique and quote in the same sentence, if possible - I understand it isn't always! Eliot further critiques the futile and alienating state of modern life through the notion of humanity as “...some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing”. The repetition of the adverb assures the reader of the relentless suffering and alienation associated with modern life, with humanity fixed in a continuous state of futile existence. The distinctive images used by Eliot encapsulate the alienation and futility of urban existence, successfully critiquing the fractured nature of ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century.
T.S. Eliot uses distinctive images to critique the insecure and fractured nature of ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. Great start to introduce the text - Perhaps play with a more general opening to introduce the idea. "The effectiveness of a composer is often determined by their ability to craft images for the responder that convey their purpose," or something. THEN launch into your text. Eliot’s modernist form dictates his critique of ‘modern life’ in his poetry, moving away from the Romanticism of the 18th and 19th century and instead engaging with the uncertain and futile nature of contemporary life, amidst the tensions of pre-war Europe. Fantastic contextual links. Both ‘The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock’ (1915) and ‘Preludes’ (1920) communicate Eliot’s critique of the fundamentally fractured nature of life for the modern day individual. On the whole, excellent introduction. Adding a brief breakdown of the themes/ideas you'll cover in the essay would benefit you.
Eliot’s critique of the uncertainty of ‘modern life’ is explored throughout the distinctive imagery of ‘The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock’. The insecure and hesitant nature of the poem’s protagonist, Prufrock, is reflective of, and critiques, the uncertainty and paralysis of urban, modern life. The desolate, urban landscape depicted in Prufrock’s stream of consciousness articulates Eliot’s discontent and critique of middle class society at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. These are fantastic ideas, but I'm missing techniques - HOW are these images created? What choices does Elliot make to make them obvious? You are better off launching straight into the analysis that follows this sentence -> The personification of the “yellow smoke” that “Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening” and “Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains” embodies the uncertainty of Prufrock and that of ‘modern-man’. Great. The feline imagery of a cat lingering pathetically on the outside of a house asserts to Prufrock avoiding, yet desiring, physical contact, communicating Eliot’s discontent with the timidity of modern society. The urban image of a cockroach “pinned and wriggling on the wall” embodies Eliot’s critique of the uncertain and timid nature of modern life. Fantastic analysis here, love your style. Prufrock is exposed as a specimen, lacking free will at the expense of his fear and uncertainty that hinder his ability to act. The rhetorical question of “Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis” further illustrates the indecisiveness of modern living. The imagery of a middle-class setting communicates Eliot’s criticism of the timidity of the modern day individual, constantly shying away from decisions and hiding behind the comforts of everyday life. Evidently, T.S.Eliot critiques the uncertainty associated with ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century through the distinctive imagery of Prufrock’s stream of consciousness. Love this paragraph - Excellent work here Tahlia. I'd love to see you recognise the audience in a more obvious way, what effect exactly do these distinctive images have on us?
Similarly, ‘Preludes’ echoes the uncertainty and timidity of ‘Prufrock’ through Eliot’s depiction of everyday living in a desolate, urban landscape. Nice logical flow of argument here. The poem presents decaying images of a city and its inhabitants through fragments of daily existence, revealing the uncertainty and inaction of humanity due to the fractured nature of ‘modern life’. Eliot’s critique of modern consciousness as fragmented and illogical is evident in “The thousand sordid images...flickered against the ceiling”. These ‘images’ reflect the uncertainty of the modern day individual, such as Prufrock, attempting to make sense of our fractured understanding of human existence. Excellent - Nice link to the first paragraph as well. The speaker’s “vision of the street As the street hardly understands” reveals the reality of life’s uncertainty. The agency of the landscape reveals Eliot’s critique of modern life’s uncertainty, arguing that our fragmented consciousness dictates how we perceive and often misinterpret our modern world. Eliot’s critique of the uncertainty of modern consciousness is further conveyed through that of “...a blackened street Impatient to assume the world”. Be sure to have a technique with EVERY textual reference - A quote without a technique is immediately not as analytically strong as the rest of your points. It sticks out when the rest is so good! Eliot critiques the uncertainty of modern life, again, through the agency of the ‘blackened street’, alluding to humanity’s inability to understand the reality of modern existence. Thus, the distinctive imagery of a desolate, urban landscapes in ‘Preludes’ reveals the uncertainty and fractured nature of ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. Another fantastic paragraph.
Eliot’s poetry also critiques the alienating and futile experience of ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. The isolated images of urban life in ‘The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock’ embody “the idea of a life not fully lived”, which is “central to (Eliot’s) poetry” (Craig Raine). Nice inclusion of a critique - I never used these myself, but I think having the qualification/brief details of the person providing it would be beneficial. Even just, 'literary critic' or something. The alienating nature of modern life is personified through the “yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes”, which implies the looking out of Prufrock who is trapped by his own uncertainty. Slight expression issue there, the 'looking out of Prufrock.' His reality and clarity is obscured by the ‘smoke’ of his paralyzed and timid nature, leading to his alienation within society. Eliot reveals the futility of modern life, due to such alienation, through Prufrock’s statement of “measuring out (his) life with coffee spoons”. The hyperbole articulates how Prufrock has spent his life procrastinating due to his overwhelming anxiety and uncertainty, reflecting Eliot’s critique of the insecurities and inaction of people in modern daily existence. Nice! Try and get the quote and technique in the same sentence - It will flow better! The futility of ‘modern life’ is further critiqued in the metaphoric imagery of a crab, “Scuttling across the floors of silent seas”. The repetitive action of a crap ‘scuttling’ along the ocean floor is symbolic of the monotony and futility of Prufrock’s life, due to his constant state of procrastination and inner turmoil as to whether he should act. Be sure to have a proper conclusion for your paragraphs, as you did above! This paragraph also doesn't refer to 'distinctive images,' it could answer the question more effectively!
The alienating and futile nature of ‘modern life’ is also evident in ‘Preludes’, in which Eliot critiques the monotony of urban existence and subsequent futility of modern life. The opening image of the poem, “The winter evening settles down”, illustrates a cold and barren setting in which nothing flourishes. The personification of the ‘winter evening’ articulates the omnipresent, alienation of modern life that engulfs all aspects of everyday living, similar to that of a chilling, winter’s evening. Good. Eliot highlights the futility of modern life through the description of modern man “...trampled by insistent feet At four and five and six o’clock”. The consistent iambic rhythm replicates the monotony of life’s daily routine, implying a “...growing sense of alienation and isolation in a world wherein daily existence is synonymous with ‘living death’” (Steve Ellis). Again, great use of critique - But would still be better to have the technique and quote in the same sentence, if possible - I understand it isn't always! Eliot further critiques the futile and alienating state of modern life through the notion of humanity as “...some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing”. The repetition of the adverb assures the reader of the relentless suffering and alienation associated with modern life, with humanity fixed in a continuous state of futile existence. The distinctive images used by Eliot encapsulate the alienation and futility of urban existence, successfully critiquing the fractured nature of ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century.
Wow, this response is stellar Tahlia - You should be really proud! Amazing analysis, answers the question excellently, fantastic ideas and great style. Not much I can critique!! Take a peek at the comments throughout (there aren't many, it is really a top notch response) - I think the analysis did weaken slightly towards the end, and you also stray away from the question just a little bit. I'd also like to see you recognise the impact on the audience more directly - These distinctive images are created for an audience, exactly what is the effect on the responder? What do we learn about Elliot's opinion of Modern Life? How is our view impacted? These sorts of things would elevate your essay further.
But excellent job, definitely a Band 6 response in my opinion! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 22, 2017, 10:34:02 pm
hiya guys!
I have an assessment task on T.S Eliot and was wondering if someone could take a look on what I've written. Thank you so much in advance!!
Hey Maria! Was going to do this tomorrow, but have a sneaky suspicion that you and Tahlia have the same task due on Wednesday (or maybe two schools set the same question, definitely possible, aha!). In any case, your essay is also attached with feedback in bold:
Spoiler
How does the poetry of T.S. Eliot use distinctive images to critique ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century?
Distinctive imagery is used within creative mediums such as poetry to elicit meaning from their subject matter and encourage dynamic responses from their audiences. Fabulous intro! You might also want to mention that these images are 'crafted' through techniques. These images are particularly effective in critiquing the nature of modern society as prevalent in T.S Eliot's oeuvre, “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock” and “Rhapsody on a Windy Night”. Eliot critiques modern life at the beginning of the 20th century as fragmented and weary. The desolate urban landscape that contextualises his poems within a world of figurative decay is demonstrative of his overall examination of the role of modernity and isolation within the lives of a modern day individual. I think this introduction works well - A brief breakdown of the themes/ideas you'll be exploring in the essay would be beneficial.
The influence of modernity is particularly prevalent within the imagery of modernist literature; The ramification of this cultural shift from romantic optimism to pessimistic cynicism saturates the imagery within poetry such as that of T.S Eliot, particularly within his poem “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock”. Love the idea of this intro, but expression seems just a tad off in the middle there. The landscape within the text is presented through a series of images of “half-deserted streets...that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent”, illustrating Eliot’s critique that the journey of modern life is monotonous and with menacing intentions that lead individuals to believe that their existence has substance and meaning. Great explanation, but what technique does this quote use? The concept is baseless without the technique. The manipulation of traditional punctuation transforms the entire first stanza into one, twelve lined sentence. This subversion of conventional poetic features manifests Eliot’s examination of reality as non-linear and non-sensical. Great to see you discussing form, not just literary devices. Images of urban decay are used to effectively explore the contemporary societal sickness that has come as a result of newly emerging modernist ideals. This image of urban squalor is elicited in the vision of “restless nights in one-night cheap hotels” in the way that Eliot’s examines the moral decay that has infected society in the erosion of the ancient regime. Feline imagery is depicted in the personification of the “yellow smoke that rubbed its muzzle on the window panes”. The image of smoke is particularly prevalent within Eliot’s poetry as it alludes to the rapidly industrialising society at the beginning of the 20th century. Fabulous contextual link. The distinctive description of yellow smoke can be seen to have negative connotations as it is reminiscent of the yellowish tinge of jaundice which is further demonstration of how Eliot inherently links the notion of modernity with sickness. Try and have a more distinctive conclusion, a more obvious finish. Also make sure every quote has a technique - But a fantastic paragraph!
“Rhapsody on a Windy Night” see’s Eliot explore the same societal deprivation that has come as a result of “modernity”. The nonlinear structure of the poem is Eliot’s simultaneous comment that humanity is unable to connect the fragmented and broken pieces of its consciousness. The image of attenuated light through the “lunar synthesis” furthers this idea as Eliot alludes to humans only seeing a pale reflection of the truth. Technique?
Try not to just use 'image,' HOW is the image created? The motif of light is carried through in the personification of the street lamps that “sputtered” and “muttered”. This in turn is reflective of the idea that mere inanimate objects are capable of more agency than human beings who are thus constrained by their context of the early 20th century. Fabulous. Eliot writes within a zeitgeist where society was in a transitory state with the “old ways” slowly becoming negligible. In wake of this, Eliot uses the metaphorical imagery of an “old carb with barnacles on his back” to illustrate the ancien regime that attempts to “grip” onto the fringes of rapidly modernising society. Within “Rhapsody” Eliot conveys the premise that because of this transition, there can only ever be glimpses of humanities former greatness. The olfactory imagery used in describing the “smells of dust and eau de Cologne” elicits this notion and the understanding of one’s own mortality. Eliot’s examination of the repercussions which the influence of modernity can bring to modern life is demonstrative of its role within the life of a modern day individual. Not much to say about this paragraph - Really stellar stuff! You've crafted your analysis excellently!
The isolating nature of modern life at a time where society was rapidly shifting in all facets is heavily explored in the oeuvre of T.S Eliot. The poem, “The Lovesong of J.Alfred Prufrock” is presented as a melancholy stream of consciousness as the persona makes his way throughout the streets of London isolated by his own self-inflicted alienation. A tad bit towards retell, but I see the reasoning behind it. Might be a little unnecessary. The aquatic imagery used in the poem, particularly that of the crab, see’s Eliot liken Prufrock’s consciousness to that of a “pair of ragged claws/scuttling across the floors of silent seas”. The strong characterisation of Prufrock as a crustacean that is continually lingering between predicaments, unable to make decisions is particularly effective in describing the state of modern man at beginning of the twentieth century. Excellent link - I like the structure of technique/quote, then explanation/context. It works well. If you can manage to craft a sentence with all of it in one go, that is the next step. Eliot examines the nature of society at the time through his critique of industrialization and it’s place in modern life. The image of the “smoke that rises from the pipes of lonely men in shirt sleeves, leaning out of windows” alludes to Eliot attributing humanity’s state of fragmentation and their yearning to return to a previous state of being to the rapidly industrialising society of the 20th century. Great explanation - Again, try not to rely too much on 'imagery' as a technique when discussing distinctive images. HOW are the images created? Eliot employs the use of symbolism when he presents the image of a cat that “licked its tongue into the corners of the evening”. This is seen to be an allegory for human existence that is characterised by the animals feline traits; selfish with only the means to be concerned of its subjective well being. The artificiality of the human psyche plagues modern reality in the world where Prufrock must “prepare a face to meet the faces”. Eliot examines this requirement to conform to society's standards in expense of our moral identities in his critique of modern life and it’s isolating consequences at the beginning of the twentieth century. Another fantastic paragraph with well argued points.
Eliot similarly critiques the repercussions of isolation within modern life at the beginning of the twentieth century within “Rhapsody”. Similar to Prufrock, the author attributes the fragmented nature of human consciousness to the newly emerging modernist ideals which have replaced seemingly antiquated perspectives on the world. The metaphorical image of a “broken spring in a factory yard” see’s Eliot allude to our own consciousness being broken by the concept of industrialisation and modernity. Excellent. Typical of his modernist roots, the oeuvre of T.S Eliot occupies the idea that human individuals are isolated from one another because their understanding of the world is entirely subjective. This separation has thus caused modern life to become futile in regards to the possibility of human connection. It feels a little strange to be taking two sentences to explain a concept/way of thinking, once we've already started analysis/techniques. Try to get all of this out of the way early, then pepper us with analysis like a machine gun, one after the other. The persona within “Rhapsody” experiences this denial in the solipsistic image of a child that “pocketed a toy..along the quay”, and thus is unable to relate and resonate with his human counterparts as he “could see nothing behind that child’s eye”. Slightly retell - Be careful not to discuss characters as if they are anything beyond what they are constructed to be by the composer. The synecdoche employed is representative of this disconnected alienation as Eliot’s critique, that is focalised from his modernist perspective, is proved to be true through the persona’s experience. As alienation is presented to have such wrought consequences in the protagonists stream of consciousness, Eliot draws thematic connections between the role of modernity in the plight of individuals during the zeitgeist which he writes. A slightly weaker paragraph than the others - Shifted a bit away from the strengths of priors and a bit more towards retell and over-explanation. Still great though!
Jeez, if you are in Tahlia's class, then you guys have got a heck of an English teacher - This is a fantastic response! I love your analytical style, extremely sophisticated, and you present your ideas clearly and with diction. Nicely done! Definitely to a Band 6 standard!
To improve, I think you could recognise the impact on the audience more directly. Remember, these images are created for an audience, so recognising the impact on the audience (both the audience of the context, and us universally) is important to answer the question holistically. In fact, answering the question is probably the thing that could let you down here - I notice that you've referenced distinctive images (or how images are created, or some similar idea to respond to the question) often in an implied sense - You use the word 'image' frequently. This is great! However, I'd like to see you make a more deliberate effort to include the idea of 'distinctive images' in your topic/concluding sentences, just to really hammer home that you are answering the question.
Have a flick through my comments and let me know if anything needs clarifying - Not a whole lot to say, this should perform extremely well! ;D well done!
Post by: tahliamag on May 23, 2017, 08:53:11 am
Post by: maria1999 on May 23, 2017, 12:57:06 pm
Hey Maria! Was going to do this tomorrow, but have a sneaky suspicion that you and Tahlia have the same task due on Wednesday (or maybe two schools set the same question, definitely possible, aha!). In any case, your essay is also attached with feedback in bold:SpoilerHow does the poetry of T.S. Eliot use distinctive images to critique ‘modern life’ at the beginning of the Twentieth Century?
Distinctive imagery is used within creative mediums such as poetry to elicit meaning from their subject matter and encourage dynamic responses from their audiences. Fabulous intro! You might also want to mention that these images are 'crafted' through techniques. These images are particularly effective in critiquing the nature of modern society as prevalent in T.S Eliot's oeuvre, “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock” and “Rhapsody on a Windy Night”. Eliot critiques modern life at the beginning of the 20th century as fragmented and weary. The desolate urban landscape that contextualises his poems within a world of figurative decay is demonstrative of his overall examination of the role of modernity and isolation within the lives of a modern day individual. I think this introduction works well - A brief breakdown of the themes/ideas you'll be exploring in the essay would be beneficial.
The influence of modernity is particularly prevalent within the imagery of modernist literature; The ramification of this cultural shift from romantic optimism to pessimistic cynicism saturates the imagery within poetry such as that of T.S Eliot, particularly within his poem “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock”. Love the idea of this intro, but expression seems just a tad off in the middle there. The landscape within the text is presented through a series of images of “half-deserted streets...that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent”, illustrating Eliot’s critique that the journey of modern life is monotonous and with menacing intentions that lead individuals to believe that their existence has substance and meaning. Great explanation, but what technique does this quote use? The concept is baseless without the technique. The manipulation of traditional punctuation transforms the entire first stanza into one, twelve lined sentence. This subversion of conventional poetic features manifests Eliot’s examination of reality as non-linear and non-sensical. Great to see you discussing form, not just literary devices. Images of urban decay are used to effectively explore the contemporary societal sickness that has come as a result of newly emerging modernist ideals. This image of urban squalor is elicited in the vision of “restless nights in one-night cheap hotels” in the way that Eliot’s examines the moral decay that has infected society in the erosion of the ancient regime. Feline imagery is depicted in the personification of the “yellow smoke that rubbed its muzzle on the window panes”. The image of smoke is particularly prevalent within Eliot’s poetry as it alludes to the rapidly industrialising society at the beginning of the 20th century. Fabulous contextual link. The distinctive description of yellow smoke can be seen to have negative connotations as it is reminiscent of the yellowish tinge of jaundice which is further demonstration of how Eliot inherently links the notion of modernity with sickness. Try and have a more distinctive conclusion, a more obvious finish. Also make sure every quote has a technique - But a fantastic paragraph!
“Rhapsody on a Windy Night” see’s Eliot explore the same societal deprivation that has come as a result of “modernity”. The nonlinear structure of the poem is Eliot’s simultaneous comment that humanity is unable to connect the fragmented and broken pieces of its consciousness. The image of attenuated light through the “lunar synthesis” furthers this idea as Eliot alludes to humans only seeing a pale reflection of the truth. Technique?
Try not to just use 'image,' HOW is the image created? The motif of light is carried through in the personification of the street lamps that “sputtered” and “muttered”. This in turn is reflective of the idea that mere inanimate objects are capable of more agency than human beings who are thus constrained by their context of the early 20th century. Fabulous. Eliot writes within a zeitgeist where society was in a transitory state with the “old ways” slowly becoming negligible. In wake of this, Eliot uses the metaphorical imagery of an “old carb with barnacles on his back” to illustrate the ancien regime that attempts to “grip” onto the fringes of rapidly modernising society. Within “Rhapsody” Eliot conveys the premise that because of this transition, there can only ever be glimpses of humanities former greatness. The olfactory imagery used in describing the “smells of dust and eau de Cologne” elicits this notion and the understanding of one’s own mortality. Eliot’s examination of the repercussions which the influence of modernity can bring to modern life is demonstrative of its role within the life of a modern day individual. Not much to say about this paragraph - Really stellar stuff! You've crafted your analysis excellently!
The isolating nature of modern life at a time where society was rapidly shifting in all facets is heavily explored in the oeuvre of T.S Eliot. The poem, “The Lovesong of J.Alfred Prufrock” is presented as a melancholy stream of consciousness as the persona makes his way throughout the streets of London isolated by his own self-inflicted alienation. A tad bit towards retell, but I see the reasoning behind it. Might be a little unnecessary. The aquatic imagery used in the poem, particularly that of the crab, see’s Eliot liken Prufrock’s consciousness to that of a “pair of ragged claws/scuttling across the floors of silent seas”. The strong characterisation of Prufrock as a crustacean that is continually lingering between predicaments, unable to make decisions is particularly effective in describing the state of modern man at beginning of the twentieth century. Excellent link - I like the structure of technique/quote, then explanation/context. It works well. If you can manage to craft a sentence with all of it in one go, that is the next step. Eliot examines the nature of society at the time through his critique of industrialization and it’s place in modern life. The image of the “smoke that rises from the pipes of lonely men in shirt sleeves, leaning out of windows” alludes to Eliot attributing humanity’s state of fragmentation and their yearning to return to a previous state of being to the rapidly industrialising society of the 20th century. Great explanation - Again, try not to rely too much on 'imagery' as a technique when discussing distinctive images. HOW are the images created? Eliot employs the use of symbolism when he presents the image of a cat that “licked its tongue into the corners of the evening”. This is seen to be an allegory for human existence that is characterised by the animals feline traits; selfish with only the means to be concerned of its subjective well being. The artificiality of the human psyche plagues modern reality in the world where Prufrock must “prepare a face to meet the faces”. Eliot examines this requirement to conform to society's standards in expense of our moral identities in his critique of modern life and it’s isolating consequences at the beginning of the twentieth century. Another fantastic paragraph with well argued points.
Eliot similarly critiques the repercussions of isolation within modern life at the beginning of the twentieth century within “Rhapsody”. Similar to Prufrock, the author attributes the fragmented nature of human consciousness to the newly emerging modernist ideals which have replaced seemingly antiquated perspectives on the world. The metaphorical image of a “broken spring in a factory yard” see’s Eliot allude to our own consciousness being broken by the concept of industrialisation and modernity. Excellent. Typical of his modernist roots, the oeuvre of T.S Eliot occupies the idea that human individuals are isolated from one another because their understanding of the world is entirely subjective. This separation has thus caused modern life to become futile in regards to the possibility of human connection. It feels a little strange to be taking two sentences to explain a concept/way of thinking, once we've already started analysis/techniques. Try to get all of this out of the way early, then pepper us with analysis like a machine gun, one after the other. The persona within “Rhapsody” experiences this denial in the solipsistic image of a child that “pocketed a toy..along the quay”, and thus is unable to relate and resonate with his human counterparts as he “could see nothing behind that child’s eye”. Slightly retell - Be careful not to discuss characters as if they are anything beyond what they are constructed to be by the composer. The synecdoche employed is representative of this disconnected alienation as Eliot’s critique, that is focalised from his modernist perspective, is proved to be true through the persona’s experience. As alienation is presented to have such wrought consequences in the protagonists stream of consciousness, Eliot draws thematic connections between the role of modernity in the plight of individuals during the zeitgeist which he writes. A slightly weaker paragraph than the others - Shifted a bit away from the strengths of priors and a bit more towards retell and over-explanation. Still great though!
Jeez, if you are in Tahlia's class, then you guys have got a heck of an English teacher - This is a fantastic response! I love your analytical style, extremely sophisticated, and you present your ideas clearly and with diction. Nicely done! Definitely to a Band 6 standard!
To improve, I think you could recognise the impact on the audience more directly. Remember, these images are created for an audience, so recognising the impact on the audience (both the audience of the context, and us universally) is important to answer the question holistically. In fact, answering the question is probably the thing that could let you down here - I notice that you've referenced distinctive images (or how images are created, or some similar idea to respond to the question) often in an implied sense - You use the word 'image' frequently. This is great! However, I'd like to see you make a more deliberate effort to include the idea of 'distinctive images' in your topic/concluding sentences, just to really hammer home that you are answering the question.
Have a flick through my comments and let me know if anything needs clarifying - Not a whole lot to say, this should perform extremely well! ;D well done!
Thank you so much Jamon! I really appreciate the feedback on the essay! I'll definitely be taking it on board!
Post by: marcusgrahamm on May 23, 2017, 07:55:52 pm
This is my Module B essay for Citizen Kane!
I would appreciate some feedback, I just don't know if I'm answering the question directly enough.
If you have an estimated mark out of 15 as well that would be great
Thanks!!
Spoiler
Citizen Kane remains one of the best films of all time because Welles deliberately challenges his audience throughout. To what extent does this perspective align with your personal understanding of the film?
Orson Welles dares the audience to question their understanding of humanity’s values and sense of self through the 1941 revolutionary film ‘Citizen Kane’. Standing as an extended metaphor this cinematic masterpiece sensualises the ideology of love based strictly around the philosophies of powers corrupting nature, betrayal of moralities and the lasting impact of besmirched naivety. Consequently, the relatable thematic concerns corresponding with a multiplicity of perceptions challenges the onlooker to derive their own significance and meaning to comprehend the mysterious and provocative characterisation and plot line. Thus, the utilisation of figurative techniques and symbolism aids considerably within the newsreel’s presentation of the overarching themes that ultimately anchor the textual veracity within this progressive, ground breaking piece of cinematography.
Welles communicates the social concerns of accession to power and overwhelming wealth throughout Kane. Accordingly, the audience is prompted to revaluate their moral obligations and allegorically deduce new found personalised interpretations, that correlate to their respective zeitgeists. Kane’s success in procuring the American Dream is emblematical in illustrating the United States exiting of a period of Great Depression to new found economic prosperity and fortune. The newsreel romanticised the ideology of public knowledge and acquired findings within private areas of politics, and societal hierarchy rather than acting in form with traditional papers exposition of true, honest stories. Hence, “News on the March” accompanied by a loud, upbeat narrative voice instigated fascination and interest for “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” for the society of this still grim context. Furthermore, the discussion of a mythological concept, being the American Dream, is consistently highlighted as a depurative and unrealistic notion. Watchers are faced to assume and dictate individual interpretations when Kane sees his demise due to an unruly lust for wealth and authority. Ultimately, success and power smother him, in his holistic pursuit of happiness which is crushed by this illusive, disparaging dream, which is simply that – a dream. Consequently, Welles applies leitmotifs and contextually contemporary issues of consumerism and materialism to allow onlookers to rethink their avaricious attitudes and covetous blindness. Steadily throughout the piece we see Kane illustrated in a somewhat god alike light whereby low angle shots and deep focus scenes showcase him in a dominant, often higher stance then other characters. Aiding this analogy is Leland’s decree “he was disappointed in the world so he built his own, an absolute monarchy” connecting to this belief is Kane’s political campaign speech scene where he is framed in a medium, low angle shot before a gigantic poster of himself, subsequently stressing his prominence and control. Moreover, Kane’s last word “Rosebud” acts as a recurrent motif whereby the viewer comes to fully understand how the obsessive nature of humankind today can ultimately destroy us. Developed to embody a synecdoche for the bliss of infanthood and metaphorical coldness of a soul starved of love the audience now pictures Kane as a broken man, faulting to realise that financial opulence does not equal to a fulfilled, joyful livelihood. Critic Roger Ebert assents, “Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain” (1998). Supporting this view is a panning shot across Kane’s surplus of belongings in the vast expanse that was his home. This is symbolised through a visual metaphor of Rosebud burning which develops the impression that whilst materialistic items provide a sense of happiness the instability of prior relationships, along with an isolated and alienated lifestyle are unsustainable and eventually result in downfall. Consequently, through the ideological notion of power’s cyclical and destructive nature the audience is confronted with relatable affairs and interpretable content amidst Kane to derive their own ideas and meanings from the film. Thus, reiterating why Citizen Kane’s thought provoking viewpoints dictate it as the Holy Grail of cinematography.
The meaning of love and relationships is combatted consistently throughout Citizen Kane, often provoking the viewer to reflect on the significance of interpersonal connections. The zeitgeists influence of wealth and consumeristic drive was exhibited through Kane’s building of Xanadu for second wife Susan. Interestingly, this corresponds with William Randolph Hearst’s prestigious 1919 San Simeon property. Hence, the audience is prompted here to grapple with the idea of love, as Welles satirizes the conceptual idea of a true, transcendental relationships when wealth is instituted into the equation. Through the mis-en-scene of Charle’s naïve years, his relationship with the mother is exemplified by the ultra-realism evoked by deep focus shots. Here we see Kane illustrated through a window frame in the background of a deep focus scene frolicking in the snow. This conjures the inkling that his life is uncontrollable and set on a direct past, fundamentally foreshadowing his eventual downfall. Psychoanalyst Laura Mulvey proposes that his personal demise, and inability to maintain close associations with forthcoming wives and intimate persons was a direct result of Freudian “pre-oedipal love” and childhood trauma sparked from an absence of maternal love. Welles emotively presents this thematic area to the audience in a domineering light to allow onlookers to grasp the understanding that parental bonds shape their young’s identity. With the utilisation of somewhat depressive and confronting non-diegetic sound, along with the repetition of Mr’s Kane’s melodic theme when Susan parades her motherly traits, we can interpret this as Charle’s longing for love in its most natural form. Nonetheless, due to his upbringing in a world where money supposedly could create happiness, which was a common occurrence in the prospering economy of the post-depression 1940’s, he reciprocated this attitude onto Susan Alexander. Ironically, Kane showers Susan with luxurious gifts and objects only to find that he isolates himself from their bond due to his blindness of giving her the life of “what she never wanted”. Therefore, we as the audience come occasion to witness how lack of love in childhood fogs the ability to genuinely cultivate a love. Yet again Welles portrays a highly relatable idea for both contemporary and past societies through the fragmentation of marriage. Specifically, the long shot illustrating Susan solving puzzles in the cavernous mansion not only acts as an allusion to her own broken identity but rather echoes the idea of Kane and Alexander’s emotional detachment and dead connection. The shadow pictured on Charle’s face accompanied by chiaroscuro lighting are symbolic of his false identity, incomprehension of himself and who he really is. As suggested by Bossley Crowther (1941) “For what shall a man profit if he shall gain the world and lose his soul?”. This reinforces how the audience is challenged throughout the plot to envisage natural love, opposed to a detrimental, materialistic, and emotionless based connection. Subsequently, through Kane’s failure to attain a stable, durable relationship, Welles highlights to the viewers the calamitous effects of failing to satisfy innate human desires in a quest to connect on a deep, intimate level with others.
Conclusively, Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane tackles the impact troubled naivety implores on true love and relationships, as well as how ascent to power and pursuit of all things wealth oriented enact demise and downfall. This breakthrough in cinematography instituted anchoring thematic ideologies, which were aided by insightful characterisations and film techniques that allowed and provoked audiences of each and every decade since to find personalised and greater messages of individual concerns and humanities greater troubles. Surmising this film holistically Nikhil Letha-Soman’s analogy, described Kane’s achievements succinctly- “This movie is truly great as it manages to rise above its plot and characters, and to achieve something more universal; something that we could/can relate to and connect with our own lives.”
Orson Welles dares the audience to question their understanding of humanity’s values and sense of self through the 1941 revolutionary film ‘Citizen Kane’. Standing as an extended metaphor this cinematic masterpiece sensualises the ideology of love based strictly around the philosophies of powers corrupting nature, betrayal of moralities and the lasting impact of besmirched naivety. Consequently, the relatable thematic concerns corresponding with a multiplicity of perceptions challenges the onlooker to derive their own significance and meaning to comprehend the mysterious and provocative characterisation and plot line. Thus, the utilisation of figurative techniques and symbolism aids considerably within the newsreel’s presentation of the overarching themes that ultimately anchor the textual veracity within this progressive, ground breaking piece of cinematography.
Welles communicates the social concerns of accession to power and overwhelming wealth throughout Kane. Accordingly, the audience is prompted to revaluate their moral obligations and allegorically deduce new found personalised interpretations, that correlate to their respective zeitgeists. Kane’s success in procuring the American Dream is emblematical in illustrating the United States exiting of a period of Great Depression to new found economic prosperity and fortune. The newsreel romanticised the ideology of public knowledge and acquired findings within private areas of politics, and societal hierarchy rather than acting in form with traditional papers exposition of true, honest stories. Hence, “News on the March” accompanied by a loud, upbeat narrative voice instigated fascination and interest for “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” for the society of this still grim context. Furthermore, the discussion of a mythological concept, being the American Dream, is consistently highlighted as a depurative and unrealistic notion. Watchers are faced to assume and dictate individual interpretations when Kane sees his demise due to an unruly lust for wealth and authority. Ultimately, success and power smother him, in his holistic pursuit of happiness which is crushed by this illusive, disparaging dream, which is simply that – a dream. Consequently, Welles applies leitmotifs and contextually contemporary issues of consumerism and materialism to allow onlookers to rethink their avaricious attitudes and covetous blindness. Steadily throughout the piece we see Kane illustrated in a somewhat god alike light whereby low angle shots and deep focus scenes showcase him in a dominant, often higher stance then other characters. Aiding this analogy is Leland’s decree “he was disappointed in the world so he built his own, an absolute monarchy” connecting to this belief is Kane’s political campaign speech scene where he is framed in a medium, low angle shot before a gigantic poster of himself, subsequently stressing his prominence and control. Moreover, Kane’s last word “Rosebud” acts as a recurrent motif whereby the viewer comes to fully understand how the obsessive nature of humankind today can ultimately destroy us. Developed to embody a synecdoche for the bliss of infanthood and metaphorical coldness of a soul starved of love the audience now pictures Kane as a broken man, faulting to realise that financial opulence does not equal to a fulfilled, joyful livelihood. Critic Roger Ebert assents, “Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain” (1998). Supporting this view is a panning shot across Kane’s surplus of belongings in the vast expanse that was his home. This is symbolised through a visual metaphor of Rosebud burning which develops the impression that whilst materialistic items provide a sense of happiness the instability of prior relationships, along with an isolated and alienated lifestyle are unsustainable and eventually result in downfall. Consequently, through the ideological notion of power’s cyclical and destructive nature the audience is confronted with relatable affairs and interpretable content amidst Kane to derive their own ideas and meanings from the film. Thus, reiterating why Citizen Kane’s thought provoking viewpoints dictate it as the Holy Grail of cinematography.
The meaning of love and relationships is combatted consistently throughout Citizen Kane, often provoking the viewer to reflect on the significance of interpersonal connections. The zeitgeists influence of wealth and consumeristic drive was exhibited through Kane’s building of Xanadu for second wife Susan. Interestingly, this corresponds with William Randolph Hearst’s prestigious 1919 San Simeon property. Hence, the audience is prompted here to grapple with the idea of love, as Welles satirizes the conceptual idea of a true, transcendental relationships when wealth is instituted into the equation. Through the mis-en-scene of Charle’s naïve years, his relationship with the mother is exemplified by the ultra-realism evoked by deep focus shots. Here we see Kane illustrated through a window frame in the background of a deep focus scene frolicking in the snow. This conjures the inkling that his life is uncontrollable and set on a direct past, fundamentally foreshadowing his eventual downfall. Psychoanalyst Laura Mulvey proposes that his personal demise, and inability to maintain close associations with forthcoming wives and intimate persons was a direct result of Freudian “pre-oedipal love” and childhood trauma sparked from an absence of maternal love. Welles emotively presents this thematic area to the audience in a domineering light to allow onlookers to grasp the understanding that parental bonds shape their young’s identity. With the utilisation of somewhat depressive and confronting non-diegetic sound, along with the repetition of Mr’s Kane’s melodic theme when Susan parades her motherly traits, we can interpret this as Charle’s longing for love in its most natural form. Nonetheless, due to his upbringing in a world where money supposedly could create happiness, which was a common occurrence in the prospering economy of the post-depression 1940’s, he reciprocated this attitude onto Susan Alexander. Ironically, Kane showers Susan with luxurious gifts and objects only to find that he isolates himself from their bond due to his blindness of giving her the life of “what she never wanted”. Therefore, we as the audience come occasion to witness how lack of love in childhood fogs the ability to genuinely cultivate a love. Yet again Welles portrays a highly relatable idea for both contemporary and past societies through the fragmentation of marriage. Specifically, the long shot illustrating Susan solving puzzles in the cavernous mansion not only acts as an allusion to her own broken identity but rather echoes the idea of Kane and Alexander’s emotional detachment and dead connection. The shadow pictured on Charle’s face accompanied by chiaroscuro lighting are symbolic of his false identity, incomprehension of himself and who he really is. As suggested by Bossley Crowther (1941) “For what shall a man profit if he shall gain the world and lose his soul?”. This reinforces how the audience is challenged throughout the plot to envisage natural love, opposed to a detrimental, materialistic, and emotionless based connection. Subsequently, through Kane’s failure to attain a stable, durable relationship, Welles highlights to the viewers the calamitous effects of failing to satisfy innate human desires in a quest to connect on a deep, intimate level with others.
Conclusively, Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane tackles the impact troubled naivety implores on true love and relationships, as well as how ascent to power and pursuit of all things wealth oriented enact demise and downfall. This breakthrough in cinematography instituted anchoring thematic ideologies, which were aided by insightful characterisations and film techniques that allowed and provoked audiences of each and every decade since to find personalised and greater messages of individual concerns and humanities greater troubles. Surmising this film holistically Nikhil Letha-Soman’s analogy, described Kane’s achievements succinctly- “This movie is truly great as it manages to rise above its plot and characters, and to achieve something more universal; something that we could/can relate to and connect with our own lives.”
Added spoiler
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 23, 2017, 08:03:51 pm
Hi,Thanks for posting here! We have a policy that requires 15 posts on the forums in order for us to give you the detailed feedback we want to give. Not to fear, you can get your post count up by asking questions, answering questions, or joining in the discussions in the general discussion area. Happy to have you here! Let me know if I can help you find your way around :)
This is my Module B essay for Citizen Kane!
I would appreciate some feedback, I just don't know if I'm answering the question directly enough.
If you have an estimated mark out of 15 as well that would be great
Thanks!!SpoilerCitizen Kane remains one of the best films of all time because Welles deliberately challenges his audience throughout. To what extent does this perspective align with your personal understanding of the film?
Orson Welles dares the audience to question their understanding of humanity’s values and sense of self through the 1941 revolutionary film ‘Citizen Kane’. Standing as an extended metaphor this cinematic masterpiece sensualises the ideology of love based strictly around the philosophies of powers corrupting nature, betrayal of moralities and the lasting impact of besmirched naivety. Consequently, the relatable thematic concerns corresponding with a multiplicity of perceptions challenges the onlooker to derive their own significance and meaning to comprehend the mysterious and provocative characterisation and plot line. Thus, the utilisation of figurative techniques and symbolism aids considerably within the newsreel’s presentation of the overarching themes that ultimately anchor the textual veracity within this progressive, ground breaking piece of cinematography.
Welles communicates the social concerns of accession to power and overwhelming wealth throughout Kane. Accordingly, the audience is prompted to revaluate their moral obligations and allegorically deduce new found personalised interpretations, that correlate to their respective zeitgeists. Kane’s success in procuring the American Dream is emblematical in illustrating the United States exiting of a period of Great Depression to new found economic prosperity and fortune. The newsreel romanticised the ideology of public knowledge and acquired findings within private areas of politics, and societal hierarchy rather than acting in form with traditional papers exposition of true, honest stories. Hence, “News on the March” accompanied by a loud, upbeat narrative voice instigated fascination and interest for “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” for the society of this still grim context. Furthermore, the discussion of a mythological concept, being the American Dream, is consistently highlighted as a depurative and unrealistic notion. Watchers are faced to assume and dictate individual interpretations when Kane sees his demise due to an unruly lust for wealth and authority. Ultimately, success and power smother him, in his holistic pursuit of happiness which is crushed by this illusive, disparaging dream, which is simply that – a dream. Consequently, Welles applies leitmotifs and contextually contemporary issues of consumerism and materialism to allow onlookers to rethink their avaricious attitudes and covetous blindness. Steadily throughout the piece we see Kane illustrated in a somewhat god alike light whereby low angle shots and deep focus scenes showcase him in a dominant, often higher stance then other characters. Aiding this analogy is Leland’s decree “he was disappointed in the world so he built his own, an absolute monarchy” connecting to this belief is Kane’s political campaign speech scene where he is framed in a medium, low angle shot before a gigantic poster of himself, subsequently stressing his prominence and control. Moreover, Kane’s last word “Rosebud” acts as a recurrent motif whereby the viewer comes to fully understand how the obsessive nature of humankind today can ultimately destroy us. Developed to embody a synecdoche for the bliss of infanthood and metaphorical coldness of a soul starved of love the audience now pictures Kane as a broken man, faulting to realise that financial opulence does not equal to a fulfilled, joyful livelihood. Critic Roger Ebert assents, “Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain” (1998). Supporting this view is a panning shot across Kane’s surplus of belongings in the vast expanse that was his home. This is symbolised through a visual metaphor of Rosebud burning which develops the impression that whilst materialistic items provide a sense of happiness the instability of prior relationships, along with an isolated and alienated lifestyle are unsustainable and eventually result in downfall. Consequently, through the ideological notion of power’s cyclical and destructive nature the audience is confronted with relatable affairs and interpretable content amidst Kane to derive their own ideas and meanings from the film. Thus, reiterating why Citizen Kane’s thought provoking viewpoints dictate it as the Holy Grail of cinematography.
The meaning of love and relationships is combatted consistently throughout Citizen Kane, often provoking the viewer to reflect on the significance of interpersonal connections. The zeitgeists influence of wealth and consumeristic drive was exhibited through Kane’s building of Xanadu for second wife Susan. Interestingly, this corresponds with William Randolph Hearst’s prestigious 1919 San Simeon property. Hence, the audience is prompted here to grapple with the idea of love, as Welles satirizes the conceptual idea of a true, transcendental relationships when wealth is instituted into the equation. Through the mis-en-scene of Charle’s naïve years, his relationship with the mother is exemplified by the ultra-realism evoked by deep focus shots. Here we see Kane illustrated through a window frame in the background of a deep focus scene frolicking in the snow. This conjures the inkling that his life is uncontrollable and set on a direct past, fundamentally foreshadowing his eventual downfall. Psychoanalyst Laura Mulvey proposes that his personal demise, and inability to maintain close associations with forthcoming wives and intimate persons was a direct result of Freudian “pre-oedipal love” and childhood trauma sparked from an absence of maternal love. Welles emotively presents this thematic area to the audience in a domineering light to allow onlookers to grasp the understanding that parental bonds shape their young’s identity. With the utilisation of somewhat depressive and confronting non-diegetic sound, along with the repetition of Mr’s Kane’s melodic theme when Susan parades her motherly traits, we can interpret this as Charle’s longing for love in its most natural form. Nonetheless, due to his upbringing in a world where money supposedly could create happiness, which was a common occurrence in the prospering economy of the post-depression 1940’s, he reciprocated this attitude onto Susan Alexander. Ironically, Kane showers Susan with luxurious gifts and objects only to find that he isolates himself from their bond due to his blindness of giving her the life of “what she never wanted”. Therefore, we as the audience come occasion to witness how lack of love in childhood fogs the ability to genuinely cultivate a love. Yet again Welles portrays a highly relatable idea for both contemporary and past societies through the fragmentation of marriage. Specifically, the long shot illustrating Susan solving puzzles in the cavernous mansion not only acts as an allusion to her own broken identity but rather echoes the idea of Kane and Alexander’s emotional detachment and dead connection. The shadow pictured on Charle’s face accompanied by chiaroscuro lighting are symbolic of his false identity, incomprehension of himself and who he really is. As suggested by Bossley Crowther (1941) “For what shall a man profit if he shall gain the world and lose his soul?”. This reinforces how the audience is challenged throughout the plot to envisage natural love, opposed to a detrimental, materialistic, and emotionless based connection. Subsequently, through Kane’s failure to attain a stable, durable relationship, Welles highlights to the viewers the calamitous effects of failing to satisfy innate human desires in a quest to connect on a deep, intimate level with others.
Conclusively, Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane tackles the impact troubled naivety implores on true love and relationships, as well as how ascent to power and pursuit of all things wealth oriented enact demise and downfall. This breakthrough in cinematography instituted anchoring thematic ideologies, which were aided by insightful characterisations and film techniques that allowed and provoked audiences of each and every decade since to find personalised and greater messages of individual concerns and humanities greater troubles. Surmising this film holistically Nikhil Letha-Soman’s analogy, described Kane’s achievements succinctly- “This movie is truly great as it manages to rise above its plot and characters, and to achieve something more universal; something that we could/can relate to and connect with our own lives.”
Post by: marcusgrahamm on May 23, 2017, 08:37:51 pm
I just shared a heap of resources on other forums to assist others.
Would you be able to take a look now?!
Thank you so much!!
Post by: ProfLayton2000 on May 24, 2017, 06:13:00 pm
William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (1603) is often considered by many critics to have encapsulated the human condition from a variety of angles through the characterization of Hamlet and his interactions with those around him. Understanding the importance of these relationships is, as in my understanding of the play, critical to understanding what drives Hamlet. Shakespeare highlights the importance of loyalty primarily by exploring disloyalty and its consequences. This is especially true for Hamlet, whose endless quest for unmasking disloyalty is what motivates him throughout the play. Of highest importance, however is Hamlet’s relationship to himself, and his determination to stay loyal to his ways of thinking as a Renaissance humanist.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 24, 2017, 09:52:20 pm
Thats totally understandable!
I just shared a heap of resources on other forums to assist others.
Would you be able to take a look now?!
Thank you so much!!
You are awesome Marcus! Just to clarify, you're definitely on our list and we'll have some feedback for you asap! ;D
Hey could I get advice on how to write an introduction for mod B? Here is my current introduction to the question "In the context of your critical study how do relationships embodied in the play resonate with your understanding of loyalty":
Hey! You should give this guide a read if you haven't already, to give you an idea of the sorts of things Module B requires - And I'm happy to skim your intro! I popped a few comments in bold:
Spoiler
William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (1603) is often considered by many critics to have encapsulated the human condition from a variety of angles through the characterization of Hamlet and his interactions with those around him. This first sentence seems a little vague and non-committal - By saying a 'variety of critics' you are not really hammering it home as your own personal argument. Further, the 'human condition' is a very vague concept. Understanding the importance of these relationships is, as in my understanding of the play, critical to understanding what drives Hamlet. There's a lot of debate about this - But avoid the use of personal pronouns in your essay. The personal perspective comes across in your writing - Keep the language formal. Shakespeare highlights the importance of loyalty primarily by exploring disloyalty and its consequences. Good. This is especially true for Hamlet, whose endless quest for unmasking disloyalty is what motivates him throughout the play. Try not to retell things that happen to the characters. Of highest importance, however is Hamlet’s relationship to himself, and his determination to stay loyal to his ways of thinking as a Renaissance humanist. Again, try not to be character focused - Be composer focused, talk about what Shakespeare does to represent ideas to his audience.
I think this is a great start - I think you need to cut back on describing Hamlet/retelling things that happen to Hamlet, and focus instead on the ideas Shakespeare is presenting and how he goes about presenting those ideas to his audience :)
Post by: scienceislife on May 25, 2017, 07:24:24 am
So this is my first comparative essay for Module A. We are doing Richard III and Looking for Richard. With essays the main problem I seem to have is properly analysing in each question and giving enough information, though I already feel like my paragraphs are too long. If you could please let me know if there is enough analysis and if my information is relevant in regards to the question?
Many thanks and much appreciation to the time you guys put into helping all of us.
Post by: jamesqwertyu on May 25, 2017, 05:52:41 pm
‘It is not necessary at home that we encounter our true selves’. To what extent is this view represented in The Art of Travel and one other related text?
The relationship between people and landscapes are symbiotic, and some individuals are dependent on travelling to new landscapes in order to progress and reach their true potential, although not all. Alain De Botton explores this concept in his multi-modal travel memoir The Art of Travel which represents different views on how changing landscapes affect an individual’s identity. De Botton shows that some individuals have a greater sense of self when they travel away from home. However, De Botton also concludes with the experience of Xavier de Maistre, who ‘travels’ and encounters his true self even in his own room. Tim Winton’s short story Big World also highlights the interdependent relationship between people and their landscapes. Big World also explores individuals have different responses to travel. While a trip away from their small country town exposes the problem in the narrator and Biggie’s relationship, Biggie shows no ability or interest in changing his ‘small town’ self, whereas the narrator is liberated by leaving a small coastal town.
By leaving our ordinary lives and escaping our habits of mind we can connect with the new and unfamiliar landscape, and reflect on the human condition. In De Botton’s section on Travelling Places he explores how we romanticise foreign landscapes as a mean of escaping the banal and every day in our real, “home” landscapes. De Botton’s description of home “It is not necessarily at home that we best encounter our true selves. The furniture insists that we cannot change because it does not; the domestic setting keeps us tethered to the person we are in ordinary life, but may not be who we essentially are” reveals that home is not where we encounter our true selves. The use of the intertextual quote from
Charles Baudelaire “the destination was not really the point. The true desire was to get away, to go,… Anywhere! Anywhere!”. The tone of desperation in the repeated “Anywhere” suggests that our travels do not have to be far and spectacular, but even as small of a change as staying in a hotel room can break our banal habits. De Botton uses personal pronouns to show a universality to the idea that “Hotel rooms offer a similar opportunity to escape our habits of mind.” It is by leaving home and experiencing a new and unfamiliar environment that our true potential can be reached.
Likewise Tim Winton’s short story, “Big World”, also examines how a change of landscape can force an individual to confront more of who they really are, in leaving home. The narrator in “Big World” lives in the small town of Angelus on the cold southern coast of Western Australia, but “dreams of escaping, of pissing off north to find some blue sky”. In the story, this blue sky of northern Western Australia symbolically represents the narrator’s desire to escape, and to experience more of life than Angelus can offer him. “Big World” follows the narrator as he and his friend, Biggie escape in a VW Kombi and take a short trip north: “The longer we drive the more the sky and the bush open up” writers the narrator, who in a series of flashbacks reveals how restricted his school life has been and how dependent he has been on Biggie for protection. However, it is ironic that in leaving town the narrator comes to realises more of who he is and the cracks in his relationship with his best friend Biggie, who is travelling North with him. Ironically “Biggie” is a small town character who “is content, he belongs” in Angelus. Biggie has no big dreams or desire to travel and the relationship is a pragmatic one which in the end disintegrates. In leaving home Biggie and the narrator have nothing to connect them and the narrator is forced to confront the truth about himself and his relationships.
Landscapes, particularly those we travel to away from home, can shape our sense of identity and ultimately our progression within life by inspiring awe. This is particularly evident in The Art of Travel’s investigation of the sublime experience. De Botton’s chapter on the Sublime, concentrates on how the desert experience influences the reader to consider the idea of transcendence and therefore to reconsider their sense of self. De Botton uses Edmund Burkes quote, “Sublime landscapes teach us a lesson…the Universe is mightier than we are” to use intertextual perspective to allude to the historical and religious context of the desert and to show how a landscape like the desert can affect our sense of self. The historical and literary context, provided by the book of Job, contrasts the contemporary experience of modern day individuals who are used to feeling in control. Also De Botton’s personal anecdotes of the Sinai desert discusses the satisfaction of “feeling small and its importance in finding ones true self. The chapter presents a number of artistic forms, from paintings of the Alps, to photographs of the Sinai desert to symbolically explore the feeling of the sublime. By the landscape making us feel small and insignificant “we are not crushed, but inspired by what lies upon us” de Botton uses personal pronouns to show how humanity can find a sense of meaning and a place in the world, even if it is in feeling small. Therefore it is true to say that it is only by leaving our comfortable and repetitive everyday life, ‘home’ that we are truly subject to the meaning of life and we progress in finding our true selves.
“Big World” also explores how leaving home can create a sense of awe in an individual. Although “Big World” shows the disintegration of a relationship that cannot be sustained once the characters have left home, they are united for the final time by the landscape as they both discover a sense of what De Botton explores as awe, again in a desert scene. When the VW breaks down in the desert, “In the hot northern dusk, the world suddenly gets big around us, so big we just give in and watch”. The repetition of the word ‘big’ emphasises the affect that vast landscapes can have on the human psyche. For a moment Biggie and the narrator are united by their smallness, although this is not to last. Winton fast forwards their relationship in a listing device that shows they have no future together, “in two hours … In a week .. In a year Biggie will be dead.. I’ll grow up”. However, for one fleeting moment ‘We turn our attention to the sunset … We don’t say anything” as the personal pronoun “we” unites Biggie and the narrator in one final moment. Yet, ultimately apart from this moment Biggie remains essentially unchanged by a change in landscape.
However in The Art of Travel, De Botton also considers how it is not so much leaving home, but the attitude of an individual’s mind that has an affect on self. In his last chapter he considers the findings of De Maistre who’s “pioneering journey” occurs in an unexpected landscape—his room. “De Maistre’s work springs from a profound and suggestive insight: that the pleasure we derive from journey’s is perhaps dependent more on the mindset with which we travel, than on the destination”. This is true of Biggie’s experiences in “Big World”.
Despite his one experience of awe and transcendence in the desert, ultimately Biggie has no desire to explore himself. “Biggie’s name is ironic. He is a small character with no real inner life, who will not change.
In conclusion it is true that it is not necessarily at home that we encounter our true selves. A change in landscape through travel opens individuals to reconsider their worlds and themselves. However, ultimately this is affected by one’s attitude. There are diverse responses to landscape and identity may or may not be changed by a change in place. A change to a person’s identity depends on how open they are to different places, and also how unhappy they are at home, or in themselves.
Post by: ellipse on May 25, 2017, 08:54:18 pm
Thank you very very much!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 25, 2017, 09:16:27 pm
Hi could i please get my module c essay marked. Im not sure if I have addressed representations enough or not. Thanks heaps
Hey James! Welcome to the forums!
Thanks for posting your essay - We require users to have 15 posts on the ATAR Notes Forums for each essay they'd like marked, just so our markers are able to keep up. If you hang around the site a bit I bet you'll get those up really quick by asking a few questions! :)
Post by: 1937jk on May 25, 2017, 10:35:43 pm
So this is my essay for Module B and for the novel Cloudstreet by Tim Winton, I was wondering if I could receive some feedback on a draft I have written, anything would be absolutely appreciated because your help is seriously the most beneficial thing ever!
Thank you in advance :D
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 26, 2017, 02:13:45 am
Thats totally understandable!
I just shared a heap of resources on other forums to assist others.
Would you be able to take a look now?!
Thank you so much!!
Thanks for doing all that! I've put the feedback in bold font in the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
Citizen Kane remains one of the best ]films of all time because Welles deliberately challenges his audience throughout. To what extent does this perspective align with your personal understanding of the film? I can't believe you've been given a question with "the best" in it..it is so subjective! But it does make for a good argument point. I think the question isn't reflective of a HSC question because it hasn't really given you anything to hang on to, so you have complete freedom in deciding on themes to explore.
Orson Welles dares the audience to question their understanding of humanity’s values and sense of self through the 1941 revolutionary film ‘Citizen Kane’. Standing as an extended metaphor this cinematic masterpiece sensualises the ideology of love based strictly around the philosophies of powers corrupting nature, betrayal of moralities and the lasting impact of besmirched naivety. Consequently, the relatable thematic concerns corresponding with a multiplicity of perceptions challenges the onlooker to derive their own significance and meaning to comprehend the mysterious and provocative characterisation and plot line. Thus, the utilisation of figurative techniques and symbolism aids considerably within the newsreel’s presentation of the overarching themes that ultimately anchor the textual veracity within this progressive, ground breaking piece of cinematography. The thing that is missing from this introduction is the mention of the response of the audience. This is both significant for Module B and also because it is specifically requested in your essay question.
Welles communicates the social concerns of accession to power and overwhelming wealth throughout Kane. Accordingly, the audience is prompted to revaluate their moral obligations and allegorically deduce new found personalised interpretations, that correlate to their respective zeitgeists. Kane’s success in procuring the American Dream is emblematical in illustrating the United States exiting of a period of Great Depression to new found economic prosperity and fortune. The newsreel romanticised the ideology of public knowledge and acquired findings within private areas of politics, and societal hierarchy rather than acting in form with traditional papers exposition of true, honest stories. Hence, “News on the March” accompanied by a loud, upbeat narrative voice instigated fascination and interest for “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” for the society of this still grim context. Furthermore, the discussion of a mythological concept, being the American Dream, is consistently highlighted as a depurative and unrealistic notion. Watchers are faced to assume and dictate individual interpretations when Kane sees his demise due to an unruly lust for wealth and authority. Ultimately, success and power smother him, in his holistic pursuit of happiness which is crushed by this illusive, disparaging dream, which is simply that – a dream. Well written.
Consequently, Welles applies leitmotifs and contextually contemporary issues of consumerism and materialism to allow onlookers to rethink their avaricious attitudes and covetous blindness. Steadily throughout the piece we see Kane illustrated in a somewhat god alike light whereby low angle shots and deep focus scenes showcase him in a dominant, often higher stance then other characters. Aiding this analogy is Leland’s decree “he was disappointed in the world so he built his own, an absolute monarchy” connecting to this belief is Kane’s political campaign speech scene where he is framed in a medium, low angle shot before a gigantic poster of himself, subsequently stressing his prominence and control. Moreover, Kane’s last word “Rosebud” acts as a recurrent motif whereby the viewer comes to fully understand how the obsessive nature of humankind today can ultimately destroy us. Developed to embody a synecdoche for the bliss of infanthood and metaphorical coldness of a soul starved of love the audience now pictures Kane as a broken man, faulting to realise that financial opulence does not equal to a fulfilled, joyful livelihood. Critic Roger Ebert assents, “Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain” (1998). Supporting this view is a panning shot across Kane’s surplus of belongings in the vast expanse that was his home. This is symbolised through a visual metaphor of Rosebud burning which develops the impression that whilst materialistic items provide a sense of happiness the instability of prior relationships, along with an isolated and alienated lifestyle are unsustainable and eventually result in downfall. Consequently, through the ideological notion of power’s cyclical and destructive nature the audience is confronted with relatable affairs and interpretable content amidst Kane to derive their own ideas and meanings from the film. Thus, reiterating why Citizen Kane’s thought provoking viewpoints dictate it as the Holy Grail of cinematography. I think you write very clearly - each sentence is engineered to express a point and that's conveyed with clarity. However, I think this paragraph structure needs work. As I read each sentence in isolation, it all makes sense. As soon as I put the whole thing together and read the paragraph, I'm lost. At the beginning we are talking about wealth, then we move to being starved of love, then materialism, and then power. When I read your first sentence I thought this would all make sense, but it's actually quite convoluted,
which is a shame because the individual sentences are great! This is also a really long paragraph. I can't say "the best essays have # paragraphs" because there are so many different structures. But the mixture of ideas here, as mixed with the length of this, makes for a confusing chunk of the work.
The meaning of love and relationships is combatted consistently throughout Citizen Kane, often provoking the viewer to reflect on the significance of interpersonal connections. Wonderful sentence - really direct, addresses the question, gives me clarity for what to expect.The zeitgeists influence of wealth and consumeristic drive was exhibited through Kane’s building of Xanadu for second wife Susan. Interestingly, this corresponds with William Randolph Hearst’s prestigious 1919 San Simeon property. Hence, the audience is prompted here to grapple with the idea of love, as Welles satirizes satirises* watch for American spelling :)the conceptual idea of a true, transcendental relationships when wealth is instituted into the equation. Through the mis-en-scene of Charle’s naïve years, his relationship with the mother is exemplified by the ultra-realism evoked by deep focus shots. Here we see Kane illustrated through a window frame in the background of a deep focus scene frolicking in the snow. This conjures the inkling that his life is uncontrollable and set on a direct past, fundamentally foreshadowing his eventual downfall. Psychoanalyst Laura Mulvey proposes that his personal demise, and inability to maintain close associations with forthcoming wives and intimate persons was a direct result of Freudian “pre-oedipal love” and childhood trauma sparked from an absence of maternal love. Welles emotively presents this thematic area to the audience in a domineering light to allow onlookers to grasp the understanding that parental bonds shape their young’s identity. With the utilisation of somewhat depressive and confronting non-diegetic sound, along with the repetition of Mr’s Kane’s melodic theme when Susan parades her motherly traits, we can interpret this as Charle’s longing for love in its most natural form. Nonetheless, due to his upbringing in a world where money supposedly could create happiness, which was a common occurrence in the prospering economy of the post-depression 1940’s, he reciprocated this attitude onto Susan Alexander. Ironically, Kane showers Susan with luxurious gifts and objects only to find that he isolates himself from their bond due to his blindness of giving her the life of “what she never wanted”. Therefore, we as the audience come occasion to witness how lack of love in childhood fogs the ability to genuinely cultivate a love. Yet again Welles portrays a highly relatable idea for both contemporary and past societies through the fragmentation of marriage. Specifically, the long shot illustrating Susan solving puzzles in the cavernous mansion not only acts as an allusion to her own broken identity but rather echoes the idea of Kane and Alexander’s emotional detachment and dead connection. The shadow pictured on Charle’s face accompanied by chiaroscuro lighting are symbolic of his false identity, incomprehension of himself and who he really is. As suggested by Bossley Crowther (1941) “For what shall a man profit if he shall gain the world and lose his soul?”. This reinforces how the audience is challenged throughout the plot good link back to audience to envisage natural love, opposed to a detrimental, materialistic, and emotionless based connection. Subsequently, through Kane’s failure to attain a stable, durable relationship, Welles highlights to the viewers the calamitous effects of failing to satisfy innate human desires in a quest to connect on a deep, intimate level with others.
Conclusively, Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane tackles the impact troubled naivety implores on true love and relationships, as well as how ascent to power and pursuit of all things wealth oriented enact demise and downfall. This breakthrough in cinematography instituted anchoring thematic ideologies, which were aided by insightful characterisations and film techniques that allowed and provoked audiences of each and every decade since to find personalised and greater messages of individual concerns and humanities greater troubles. Surmising this film holistically Nikhil Letha-Soman’s analogy, described Kane’s achievements succinctly- “This movie is truly great as it manages to rise above its plot and characters, and to achieve something more universal; something that we could/can relate to and connect with our own lives.”
Orson Welles dares the audience to question their understanding of humanity’s values and sense of self through the 1941 revolutionary film ‘Citizen Kane’. Standing as an extended metaphor this cinematic masterpiece sensualises the ideology of love based strictly around the philosophies of powers corrupting nature, betrayal of moralities and the lasting impact of besmirched naivety. Consequently, the relatable thematic concerns corresponding with a multiplicity of perceptions challenges the onlooker to derive their own significance and meaning to comprehend the mysterious and provocative characterisation and plot line. Thus, the utilisation of figurative techniques and symbolism aids considerably within the newsreel’s presentation of the overarching themes that ultimately anchor the textual veracity within this progressive, ground breaking piece of cinematography. The thing that is missing from this introduction is the mention of the response of the audience. This is both significant for Module B and also because it is specifically requested in your essay question.
Welles communicates the social concerns of accession to power and overwhelming wealth throughout Kane. Accordingly, the audience is prompted to revaluate their moral obligations and allegorically deduce new found personalised interpretations, that correlate to their respective zeitgeists. Kane’s success in procuring the American Dream is emblematical in illustrating the United States exiting of a period of Great Depression to new found economic prosperity and fortune. The newsreel romanticised the ideology of public knowledge and acquired findings within private areas of politics, and societal hierarchy rather than acting in form with traditional papers exposition of true, honest stories. Hence, “News on the March” accompanied by a loud, upbeat narrative voice instigated fascination and interest for “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” for the society of this still grim context. Furthermore, the discussion of a mythological concept, being the American Dream, is consistently highlighted as a depurative and unrealistic notion. Watchers are faced to assume and dictate individual interpretations when Kane sees his demise due to an unruly lust for wealth and authority. Ultimately, success and power smother him, in his holistic pursuit of happiness which is crushed by this illusive, disparaging dream, which is simply that – a dream. Well written.
Consequently, Welles applies leitmotifs and contextually contemporary issues of consumerism and materialism to allow onlookers to rethink their avaricious attitudes and covetous blindness. Steadily throughout the piece we see Kane illustrated in a somewhat god alike light whereby low angle shots and deep focus scenes showcase him in a dominant, often higher stance then other characters. Aiding this analogy is Leland’s decree “he was disappointed in the world so he built his own, an absolute monarchy” connecting to this belief is Kane’s political campaign speech scene where he is framed in a medium, low angle shot before a gigantic poster of himself, subsequently stressing his prominence and control. Moreover, Kane’s last word “Rosebud” acts as a recurrent motif whereby the viewer comes to fully understand how the obsessive nature of humankind today can ultimately destroy us. Developed to embody a synecdoche for the bliss of infanthood and metaphorical coldness of a soul starved of love the audience now pictures Kane as a broken man, faulting to realise that financial opulence does not equal to a fulfilled, joyful livelihood. Critic Roger Ebert assents, “Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain” (1998). Supporting this view is a panning shot across Kane’s surplus of belongings in the vast expanse that was his home. This is symbolised through a visual metaphor of Rosebud burning which develops the impression that whilst materialistic items provide a sense of happiness the instability of prior relationships, along with an isolated and alienated lifestyle are unsustainable and eventually result in downfall. Consequently, through the ideological notion of power’s cyclical and destructive nature the audience is confronted with relatable affairs and interpretable content amidst Kane to derive their own ideas and meanings from the film. Thus, reiterating why Citizen Kane’s thought provoking viewpoints dictate it as the Holy Grail of cinematography. I think you write very clearly - each sentence is engineered to express a point and that's conveyed with clarity. However, I think this paragraph structure needs work. As I read each sentence in isolation, it all makes sense. As soon as I put the whole thing together and read the paragraph, I'm lost. At the beginning we are talking about wealth, then we move to being starved of love, then materialism, and then power. When I read your first sentence I thought this would all make sense, but it's actually quite convoluted,
which is a shame because the individual sentences are great! This is also a really long paragraph. I can't say "the best essays have # paragraphs" because there are so many different structures. But the mixture of ideas here, as mixed with the length of this, makes for a confusing chunk of the work.
The meaning of love and relationships is combatted consistently throughout Citizen Kane, often provoking the viewer to reflect on the significance of interpersonal connections. Wonderful sentence - really direct, addresses the question, gives me clarity for what to expect.The zeitgeists influence of wealth and consumeristic drive was exhibited through Kane’s building of Xanadu for second wife Susan. Interestingly, this corresponds with William Randolph Hearst’s prestigious 1919 San Simeon property. Hence, the audience is prompted here to grapple with the idea of love, as Welles satirizes satirises* watch for American spelling :)the conceptual idea of a true, transcendental relationships when wealth is instituted into the equation. Through the mis-en-scene of Charle’s naïve years, his relationship with the mother is exemplified by the ultra-realism evoked by deep focus shots. Here we see Kane illustrated through a window frame in the background of a deep focus scene frolicking in the snow. This conjures the inkling that his life is uncontrollable and set on a direct past, fundamentally foreshadowing his eventual downfall. Psychoanalyst Laura Mulvey proposes that his personal demise, and inability to maintain close associations with forthcoming wives and intimate persons was a direct result of Freudian “pre-oedipal love” and childhood trauma sparked from an absence of maternal love. Welles emotively presents this thematic area to the audience in a domineering light to allow onlookers to grasp the understanding that parental bonds shape their young’s identity. With the utilisation of somewhat depressive and confronting non-diegetic sound, along with the repetition of Mr’s Kane’s melodic theme when Susan parades her motherly traits, we can interpret this as Charle’s longing for love in its most natural form. Nonetheless, due to his upbringing in a world where money supposedly could create happiness, which was a common occurrence in the prospering economy of the post-depression 1940’s, he reciprocated this attitude onto Susan Alexander. Ironically, Kane showers Susan with luxurious gifts and objects only to find that he isolates himself from their bond due to his blindness of giving her the life of “what she never wanted”. Therefore, we as the audience come occasion to witness how lack of love in childhood fogs the ability to genuinely cultivate a love. Yet again Welles portrays a highly relatable idea for both contemporary and past societies through the fragmentation of marriage. Specifically, the long shot illustrating Susan solving puzzles in the cavernous mansion not only acts as an allusion to her own broken identity but rather echoes the idea of Kane and Alexander’s emotional detachment and dead connection. The shadow pictured on Charle’s face accompanied by chiaroscuro lighting are symbolic of his false identity, incomprehension of himself and who he really is. As suggested by Bossley Crowther (1941) “For what shall a man profit if he shall gain the world and lose his soul?”. This reinforces how the audience is challenged throughout the plot good link back to audience to envisage natural love, opposed to a detrimental, materialistic, and emotionless based connection. Subsequently, through Kane’s failure to attain a stable, durable relationship, Welles highlights to the viewers the calamitous effects of failing to satisfy innate human desires in a quest to connect on a deep, intimate level with others.
Conclusively, Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane tackles the impact troubled naivety implores on true love and relationships, as well as how ascent to power and pursuit of all things wealth oriented enact demise and downfall. This breakthrough in cinematography instituted anchoring thematic ideologies, which were aided by insightful characterisations and film techniques that allowed and provoked audiences of each and every decade since to find personalised and greater messages of individual concerns and humanities greater troubles. Surmising this film holistically Nikhil Letha-Soman’s analogy, described Kane’s achievements succinctly- “This movie is truly great as it manages to rise above its plot and characters, and to achieve something more universal; something that we could/can relate to and connect with our own lives.”
Wow! This was really hard to give feedback for. Your writing style is very succinct. You write sentences in a way that is clear, and it looks like the sentences come really naturally to you. I flow through this feeling like these carefully engineered words are just rolling off your tongue, it was very easy to read. Each sentence links the techniques well. However, I get lost in the paragraph structure. You have two very large body paragraphs. I wonder if it would be better to divide these into four smaller paragraphs that follow similar ideas but perhaps along different veins. Or, is the better idea to cut some of the existing ideas out, and make a third paragraph (of a smaller size) with a new theme? I will also say, your essay question is very difficult and in my opinion, not really representative of what a HSC question would look like if we follow past trends. The use of the word "best" is odd, it just doesn't seem very academic, nor does it give you scope. Nonetheless, if you're submitting this as an assessment task, you need to give greater emphasis to "best" so you can prove you are taking on the essay question. Also, HSC questions would be far more likely to give you some kind of "handle" to swing from in your essay, but in this piece, the handle is the "best" and the audience. I think you deal with the audience well, and you've incorporated scholars seamlessly to prove this. But, the treatment of this film as being one of the best films of all time.
So, to summarise:
-Amazing job on sentence writing
-Really clear expression
-You make it look effortless
-The question is odd and difficult to work with
-Paragraph structure needs consideration
-Need to address the question more in terms of it being the best film.
Hopefully this helps! :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 26, 2017, 08:10:20 pm
Q3. Identify three visual conventions used in Text 3 and explain how they construct a representation of family for the context of this magazine.
A peaceful image like the family photo from the magazine ‘Outback: The Heart of Australia’ constructs the image of a typical caucasian Australian family, with structured yet comfortable body language, no doubt preparing for a photo to be taken in the medium camera shot. This text constructs the representation of an Australian caucasian family though the use of visual conventions that include costume, text and body language.
Everything in this image seems to construct the typical representation of a caucasian family in Australia. The family in the image, located in the centre of the magazine serves to draw the viewer’s attention to convey that the magazine’s subject is a Australian family. This text constructs this representation by drawing the viewer’s attention towards the iconic Australian clothing worn by each person in the image, the use of text and lighting in the image. The wide brimmed hat and loose button up worn by the male figure complemented by the female figure’s bright striped button up juxtaposed against the blurry background suggests the family are perhaps standing in location that is hot and humid, an idea supported by the text ‘outback: The Heart of Australia’. Furthermore, the way the female figure comfortably rests her chin on the male figure’s shoulder while holding their children suggests intimacy and conveys the Australian characteristic and quality that the male is quiet but capable and treats women with respect. The combination of these visual conventions used by the magazine constructs the representation of an Australian caucasian family.
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 26, 2017, 10:01:54 pm
Hello,Hey scienceislife! Thanks for letting me know what you feel like you have trouble with, I'll be sure to comment on this :) The feedback is in bold font!
So this is my first comparative essay for Module A. We are doing Richard III and Looking for Richard. With essays the main problem I seem to have is properly analysing in each question and giving enough information, though I already feel like my paragraphs are too long. If you could please let me know if there is enough analysis and if my information is relevant in regards to the question?
Many thanks and much appreciation to the time you guys put into helping all of us.
Spoiler
“The nature of morality and the pursuit of power are ideas that connect King Richard III and Looking for Richard. How are these ideas shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?”
The pursuit of power is an inherently humane trait ever-present in society, understood more deeply after close analysis of the nature of morality. Brilliant!
You've blended the two parts of the question together perfectly :) Texts form a way of understanding both concepts, and how their relevance, produced through linkage with universal themes, remains timeless. Despite significant differences in context, Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard discuss the ideas of morality and power which convey meaning to their audiences. The far-reaching effect of power, definition of morality and ambition in regards to religion and determinism are commonalities in both texts and provide a strong platform for the evaluation of our and others’ actions. Stellar introduction. I studied these two texts for Mod A as well and I think you've very clearly got a great grasp!
The concern of the pursuit of power is evident in both texts in relation to their contexts. Assertion and distribution emanates during the texts to discuss the effect which power can have. In King Richard III, Shakespeare characterises Richard as the classical Machiavellian and Vice, demonstrating his ruthless, unforgiving journey to the throne but also acting as a catalyst for social and physical chaos. “Should I be plain? I wish the bastards dead” (A4S2) illustrates how Richard acknowledges his role as the villain with no redeeming features. As audience members, we do not feel empathy because of his horrible, seemingly irrational actions and Shakespeare thereby legitimises the Tudor reign. The far-reaching nature of this power is viewed in the short interlude of Act 2 Scene 3 where a citizen says “Truly, the hearts of men are full of fear” further exemplifying the fright instilled in commoners when power has been misplaced. You're writing really well and you've got a good understanding of the text's purpose. But, we aren't linking with techniques and I think you should. So, there's a rhetorical question in the first quote there, as well as vulgar language. You can talk about the effect of both of these in creating a character that is ruthless. Everything about this section is working, but there's no technique to tie it all down and put the cherry on top, and we need that!
In stark contrast, Pacino’s Looking for Richard reshapes the character of Richard so we feel somewhat empathetic towards this psychologically flawed other. Pacino chooses to omit various scenes such as the discussion between citizens, Richard’s desperation to marry his niece and his persuasion of the mayor to support his cause. This omission disguises Richard’s further manipulation and hence leads the audience to think more deeply about the “villain” of the story. As an alternative to the political system, Pacino explores the individual – ultimately leading up to the Battle of Bosworth where Pacino states “the rest is silence” after Richard has fallen, effectively emphasising his defenceless and utter isolation. Richard’s vulnerability is obvious with the low angle shots, showing his lack of power, great use of technique and the panning shots of how he is surrounded by enemies, nobody present to help him; nobody who loves him. The Shakespearean roles originally placed upon Richard are restructured so the contemporary audience are enraptured with this multi-layered character who has “let the pursuit of power totally corrupt him . . . alienated from his own body and his own self.” Differing contexts have ensured the reshaping of the pursuit of power but similarly emphasise its significant impact on members of society. Nice! Nice and neat. I think the wording needs some help in some spots, which I've pointed out! But you've approached techniques in a far more confident way in this paragraph!
The nature of morality is often assessed on appearance, actions and mannerisms. I don't grasp this sentence completely. The nature of morality is assessed...I don't really understand it. I could gloss over it and understand that you are saying that appearance, actions, and mannerisms have something to do with morality, but I want to pick up on it so we can make it really clear. Do you mean, Morality is assessed on the way one's actions, presentation, and mannerisms appear? Christianity, and beliefs of the divine right of kings and chain of being, dominated the Elizabethan era and ultimately determined the individual’s role in society. Richard is “cheated of feature by dissembling nature, / Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time . . . scarce half made up” (A1S1) and hence immediately deemed insignificant in the hierarchy, his form reflecting the evil nature which God has thrust upon him. The audience members, then, are immediately aware that this character is not made for the throne and in the act of usurping he has broken the chain of being, eventually needing to pay the ultimate price. Richard’s primitive nature and lack of human qualities are reinstated through animalistic and knavish descriptions such as “bloody . . . usurping boar”, “foul . . . toad” and “devil”. Great!Through this use of imagery, Shakespeare addresses the contextual shift towards providentialism to humanism and reflects on the irrevocable consequences for human actions. I don't feel like this paragraph responds to the topic sentence that you've got at the start. When we talk about appearance and mannerisms and what not at the beginning, I think the only time I get a strong sense of the appearance is when you discuss the imagery, which is really great. But we need to make sure the topic sentence is providing lots of clarity for what is yet to be explored in the paragraph to come, but at the moment we lose that and the thesis statement at the beginning loses its purpose. I hope this makes sense! Basically, we need clarity in the topic sentence to be explored throughout the paragraph, and at the moment,
only one section of your opening sentence of the paragraph relates to that.
Looking for Richard’s context is rather dissimilar regarding currently subjugated secularism and a smaller tendency to judge another based on their appearance. The morally relative society is addressed when Pacino questions “What’s this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?” Consequently, Pacino chooses not to emphasise Richard’s physical deformity but instead uses dark clothing and chiaroscuro lighting to highlight the shadow expanding over his morality, in stark contrast to other characters such as the silenced Anne and Clarence who wear pure white. The costuming choice exemplifies Richard’s malevolence and how are others are ??? innocent victims entangled within his corruptive nature. This assessment of morality connects with the current context, as shown in the vox-pop where an African-American states “If we felt what we said, and say less we’d mean more”, rising further questions of our own actions and the nature of morality. Great link! Exploring these connections between texts allows the audience to gain a deeper understanding of what it is to be human and why it is always necessary to consider our actions and the implications.
The extent to which an individual will travel to gain power is discussed widely in King Richard III. Humans often withhold a fundamental decency with which their actions are based upon, however Richard appears to exceed this limit with his long list of evil deeds, “so far in blood that sin will pluck on sin”. He portrays the accumulation of wrongdoings by using repetition and makes the audience recognise that he is past the point of remorse and return. However, when Tyrell says “With conscience and remorse / They could not speak” and Richard questions “O coward conscience, how dost thou afflict me?” Shakespeare indicates that this emotion cannot be completely convicted from body and soul and every action does have a consequence. The personification, paired with constant characters whom act towards their own personal profit, ensures readers more deeply understand the pursuit of power through the means of basic human emotions which connect us all.
Looking for Richard similarly discusses the inherent lust for power and why many of the characters did not act against Richard’s actions. In Looking for Richard, Pacino looks down on the academics, proving his and Richard’s rejection of authoritative figures, yet a female scholar correctly discusses “the action of the play, the sense of exciting movement is Richard’s finding out the point beyond which people won’t go”. This interconnects with the pursuit of power as well as satisfaction of basic human curiosity which Richard beholds. Pacino chooses to portray the characters in a way which they are all moving towards self-goals and hence play no strong role in Richard’s endeavours. This filming decision has placed further demands on the character of Richard himself, and hence Pacino, to the limit with which their mannerisms, treatment of others and words become a blend of Elizabethan and modern day. This redesign makes the audience more aware of Richard’s movement towards power and is strengthened through linkage to current politics when Vanessa Redgrave states “The truth is that those in power have total contempt for everything they promise, everything they pledge. And that’s what Shakespeare’s great play is about.” The obvious connection between the texts engages the contemporary audience, helping with comprehension of the nature of power.
Exploration of connections between Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard rewards the audience with a more refined understanding of the nature of morality and pursuit of power. Both major concepts are shaped and reshaped with consideration of the definition of morality, ambition and extensive nature of power. Similarities and marked differences appeal to the varying contexts, exemplifying Shakespeare’s timeless themes, depth of language and hence the ongoing relevance. Power and morality are connected not only in the texts, but interweave themselves within viewers’ lives and the way they perceive themselves and the world around them. Close analysis of the concepts, then, is integral in the advancement of viewing our multi-layered universe and understanding the inner workings of how a society like ours functions.
The pursuit of power is an inherently humane trait ever-present in society, understood more deeply after close analysis of the nature of morality. Brilliant!
You've blended the two parts of the question together perfectly :) Texts form a way of understanding both concepts, and how their relevance, produced through linkage with universal themes, remains timeless. Despite significant differences in context, Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard discuss the ideas of morality and power which convey meaning to their audiences. The far-reaching effect of power, definition of morality and ambition in regards to religion and determinism are commonalities in both texts and provide a strong platform for the evaluation of our and others’ actions. Stellar introduction. I studied these two texts for Mod A as well and I think you've very clearly got a great grasp!
The concern of the pursuit of power is evident in both texts in relation to their contexts. Assertion and distribution emanates during the texts to discuss the effect which power can have. In King Richard III, Shakespeare characterises Richard as the classical Machiavellian and Vice, demonstrating his ruthless, unforgiving journey to the throne but also acting as a catalyst for social and physical chaos. “Should I be plain? I wish the bastards dead” (A4S2) illustrates how Richard acknowledges his role as the villain with no redeeming features. As audience members, we do not feel empathy because of his horrible, seemingly irrational actions and Shakespeare thereby legitimises the Tudor reign. The far-reaching nature of this power is viewed in the short interlude of Act 2 Scene 3 where a citizen says “Truly, the hearts of men are full of fear” further exemplifying the fright instilled in commoners when power has been misplaced. You're writing really well and you've got a good understanding of the text's purpose. But, we aren't linking with techniques and I think you should. So, there's a rhetorical question in the first quote there, as well as vulgar language. You can talk about the effect of both of these in creating a character that is ruthless. Everything about this section is working, but there's no technique to tie it all down and put the cherry on top, and we need that!
In stark contrast, Pacino’s Looking for Richard reshapes the character of Richard so we feel somewhat empathetic towards this psychologically flawed other. Pacino chooses to omit various scenes such as the discussion between citizens, Richard’s desperation to marry his niece and his persuasion of the mayor to support his cause. This omission disguises Richard’s further manipulation and hence leads the audience to think more deeply about the “villain” of the story. As an alternative to the political system, Pacino explores the individual – ultimately leading up to the Battle of Bosworth where Pacino states “the rest is silence” after Richard has fallen, effectively emphasising his defenceless and utter isolation. Richard’s vulnerability is obvious with the low angle shots, showing his lack of power, great use of technique and the panning shots of how he is surrounded by enemies, nobody present to help him; nobody who loves him. The Shakespearean roles originally placed upon Richard are restructured so the contemporary audience are enraptured with this multi-layered character who has “let the pursuit of power totally corrupt him . . . alienated from his own body and his own self.” Differing contexts have ensured the reshaping of the pursuit of power but similarly emphasise its significant impact on members of society. Nice! Nice and neat. I think the wording needs some help in some spots, which I've pointed out! But you've approached techniques in a far more confident way in this paragraph!
The nature of morality is often assessed on appearance, actions and mannerisms. I don't grasp this sentence completely. The nature of morality is assessed...I don't really understand it. I could gloss over it and understand that you are saying that appearance, actions, and mannerisms have something to do with morality, but I want to pick up on it so we can make it really clear. Do you mean, Morality is assessed on the way one's actions, presentation, and mannerisms appear? Christianity, and beliefs of the divine right of kings and chain of being, dominated the Elizabethan era and ultimately determined the individual’s role in society. Richard is “cheated of feature by dissembling nature, / Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time . . . scarce half made up” (A1S1) and hence immediately deemed insignificant in the hierarchy, his form reflecting the evil nature which God has thrust upon him. The audience members, then, are immediately aware that this character is not made for the throne and in the act of usurping he has broken the chain of being, eventually needing to pay the ultimate price. Richard’s primitive nature and lack of human qualities are reinstated through animalistic and knavish descriptions such as “bloody . . . usurping boar”, “foul . . . toad” and “devil”. Great!Through this use of imagery, Shakespeare addresses the contextual shift towards providentialism to humanism and reflects on the irrevocable consequences for human actions. I don't feel like this paragraph responds to the topic sentence that you've got at the start. When we talk about appearance and mannerisms and what not at the beginning, I think the only time I get a strong sense of the appearance is when you discuss the imagery, which is really great. But we need to make sure the topic sentence is providing lots of clarity for what is yet to be explored in the paragraph to come, but at the moment we lose that and the thesis statement at the beginning loses its purpose. I hope this makes sense! Basically, we need clarity in the topic sentence to be explored throughout the paragraph, and at the moment,
only one section of your opening sentence of the paragraph relates to that.
Looking for Richard’s context is rather dissimilar regarding currently subjugated secularism and a smaller tendency to judge another based on their appearance. The morally relative society is addressed when Pacino questions “What’s this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?” Consequently, Pacino chooses not to emphasise Richard’s physical deformity but instead uses dark clothing and chiaroscuro lighting to highlight the shadow expanding over his morality, in stark contrast to other characters such as the silenced Anne and Clarence who wear pure white. The costuming choice exemplifies Richard’s malevolence and how are others are ??? innocent victims entangled within his corruptive nature. This assessment of morality connects with the current context, as shown in the vox-pop where an African-American states “If we felt what we said, and say less we’d mean more”, rising further questions of our own actions and the nature of morality. Great link! Exploring these connections between texts allows the audience to gain a deeper understanding of what it is to be human and why it is always necessary to consider our actions and the implications.
The extent to which an individual will travel to gain power is discussed widely in King Richard III. Humans often withhold a fundamental decency with which their actions are based upon, however Richard appears to exceed this limit with his long list of evil deeds, “so far in blood that sin will pluck on sin”. He portrays the accumulation of wrongdoings by using repetition and makes the audience recognise that he is past the point of remorse and return. However, when Tyrell says “With conscience and remorse / They could not speak” and Richard questions “O coward conscience, how dost thou afflict me?” Shakespeare indicates that this emotion cannot be completely convicted from body and soul and every action does have a consequence. The personification, paired with constant characters whom act towards their own personal profit, ensures readers more deeply understand the pursuit of power through the means of basic human emotions which connect us all.
Looking for Richard similarly discusses the inherent lust for power and why many of the characters did not act against Richard’s actions. In Looking for Richard, Pacino looks down on the academics, proving his and Richard’s rejection of authoritative figures, yet a female scholar correctly discusses “the action of the play, the sense of exciting movement is Richard’s finding out the point beyond which people won’t go”. This interconnects with the pursuit of power as well as satisfaction of basic human curiosity which Richard beholds. Pacino chooses to portray the characters in a way which they are all moving towards self-goals and hence play no strong role in Richard’s endeavours. This filming decision has placed further demands on the character of Richard himself, and hence Pacino, to the limit with which their mannerisms, treatment of others and words become a blend of Elizabethan and modern day. This redesign makes the audience more aware of Richard’s movement towards power and is strengthened through linkage to current politics when Vanessa Redgrave states “The truth is that those in power have total contempt for everything they promise, everything they pledge. And that’s what Shakespeare’s great play is about.” The obvious connection between the texts engages the contemporary audience, helping with comprehension of the nature of power.
Exploration of connections between Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard rewards the audience with a more refined understanding of the nature of morality and pursuit of power. Both major concepts are shaped and reshaped with consideration of the definition of morality, ambition and extensive nature of power. Similarities and marked differences appeal to the varying contexts, exemplifying Shakespeare’s timeless themes, depth of language and hence the ongoing relevance. Power and morality are connected not only in the texts, but interweave themselves within viewers’ lives and the way they perceive themselves and the world around them. Close analysis of the concepts, then, is integral in the advancement of viewing our multi-layered universe and understanding the inner workings of how a society like ours functions.
I think this essay is really good in a lot of ways. You've managed to incorporate the texts really well with one another. You really engage the two with a good balance - and this is usually something that people struggle with for Module A. But you've actually managed to strike a really good balance between the two which is wonderful. In your first body paragraph there is an issue with engaging with techniques, but the same issue doesn't really persist in the rest of the essay, so it surely won't take long to adjust that. In saying that, we can enhance your analysis. When you talk about the low angle and panning shot in Pacino's text, you make a really good analysis because you're talking about the way techniques compound with one another to create an end result. But otherwise, the techniques are usually talked about in a more isolated way. What you're doing isn't wrong, I'm just suggesting a way to extend your work overall. In a quote/scene, look for at least two techniques and consider if they are both worth talking about, the way they work together. Or, see if one scene and another scene are great for comparative reasons, even within the same text. This is the kind of connected thinking that we praise in the best essays.
Your paragraph structure has room for improvement as well, but fear not, I can identify exactly how I think! It's about your topic sentence and the way that is related to throughout. So obviously you have the essay question to engage with, but then you bring other mini thesis to the table to discuss and dissect as well. So it is no easy task, of course! A perfect example is the paragraph I picked up on with the nature of morality.
Hopefully this makes sense to you! Let me know if I can help any more. If you'd like to send back a paragraph that's been adjusted I can tell you if you're on the right track. All the best!
Post by: mary123987 on May 26, 2017, 10:10:32 pm
Regards
"Explore the complex interactions between people and politics as represented in your set text and ONE related text of your own choosing. Ensure that in your exploration you evaluate the relationship between representation and meaning."
Post by: f_tan on May 27, 2017, 11:31:48 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 28, 2017, 08:32:40 am
Hey guys I was just wondering if someone could explain this question to me in particular the idea of complex interactionsHey mary! The complex interactions is for you to define :) Complex interactions are experiences of communications that are interconnected in many ways. Perhaps you could look at the somewhat reciprocal nature of people and politics - and how they give and take to and from one another? Or, more specifically, you could look at classic examples in your text of the way politics shapes people, and people shape politics! It's really open for your interpretation, this one :)
Regards
"Explore the complex interactions between people and politics as represented in your set text and ONE related text of your own choosing. Ensure that in your exploration you evaluate the relationship between representation and meaning."
Hey, I have a question regarding my essay on my rubric sheet it says "Select two different texts and analyse a common theme explored in both. Compare and contrast these texts and evaluate which is most effective in communicating the author’s purpose. " the two texts I have are brokeback mountain and lady windermere's fan does have any notes, sample essays or ideas on a common theme between the two texts please help urgently !!!!
I'm sorry I can't find any notes for you for this one, Adammurad. Some themes explored in Brokeback Mountain include identity, repression, sexuality, memories, and masculinity. Are these present in your second text? Could you connect any of these across?
Post by: Wales on May 28, 2017, 11:16:02 am
Cheers, Wales
Post by: mary123987 on May 28, 2017, 04:37:50 pm
To those who have posted essays: Sorry for the delay! We've just had a surge at a time that's been really busy for Jamon and I. We'll get to these as soon as possible so you won't be left hanging for long. I've set aside some essay marking time for later today!
Hey mary! The complex interactions is for you to define :) Complex interactions are experiences of communications that are interconnected in many ways. Perhaps you could look at the somewhat reciprocal nature of people and politics - and how they give and take to and from one another? Or, more specifically, you could look at classic examples in your text of the way politics shapes people, and people shape politics! It's really open for your interpretation, this one :)
Thankyou so much for your reply means alot
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2017, 01:36:24 am
Hi! I have an assessment task coming up next week and it would be greatly appreciated if you guys could take a look at my essay for Mod B.
Thank you very very much!!
Hey! Sorry for the delay, but essay is attached with comments in bold!
Essay With Feedback
“Successful texts are engaging and always demand a response through their exploration of timeless ideas”
Evaluate the truth of this statement through a critical analysis of the language, content and construction of your prescribed text
It is not only the style, structure and language of a text but also its ability to provoke audience discourses through its enduring ideas that makes it a timeless success. Great introduction - Be sure to break your ideas up with commas to make sure the reader interprets them correctly. Virginia Woolf’s polemics A Room of One’s Own and Three Guineas were written prior to the outbreak of the Great War and was influenced by the first wave of feminist movement as well as the modernist society which was dominated by male egoism and fascism. Ditto here - I like what you are saying but I'm having to do all the grouping myself - It takes away from your sophistication. These contextual influences on her work helps portray the disenfranchisement of women and their exclusion from intellectual and creative freedom under the guise of patriarchy as well as the importance of money and financial independence on the lives of women, thereby provoking audience discourses. Not sure if "helps portray" is the right word there - You are saying its represented within, not that it has actually assisted in representing. Just seems a little off. A deeper analysis of Woolf’s sustained critique on these perpetual ideas provides the audience with a meaningful insight into her engaging texts and a heightened appreciation of its textual integrity in elucidating the relevance of its social and historical context. Good intro - The expression of ideas is the biggest weakness - Work on breaking it down more and giving more detail too!
A room of one’s explores the timeless ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality to challenge the reader’s perspective. Of what? Initially as lectures delivered at a female college in 1928, Woolf’s essays on ‘women and fiction’ questions the oppression of women under the patriarchal society and their objectification by men, as reflected when women are portrayed as “looking-glasses … reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size,” hence sarcastically and metaphorically emphasizing women’s inferiority and their lower societal class. Excellent. Taking away this ‘mirror’, the “man may die, like a drug fiend deprived of his cocaine,” in which the simile highlights and reinforces the societal expectations of women as ‘looking-glasses’ to give the male gender a sense of superiority, a crucial acquisition of their lives. Excellent style of analysis here - Good job on getting it all into a single sentence. These relevant and engaging ideas on gender inequality certainly instigates responses from the audience, as Rachel Bowlby, a professor at University College London, remarks that “men’s college dining, halfway to heaven; women’s college dining, one star.” I certainly believe this is true, as Woolf elucidates these disparities through the juxtaposition between men’s luxurious luncheon with “sprouts foliated as rosebuds but more succulent” and the women’s “plain gravy soup.” Watch the use of first person - I'm personally against it. Check your teachers preference for now and don't do it in the HSC. The contrast between the long, descriptive language and the short, dull descriptions further endorse this inequality. Be sure your paragraph is concluded definitively - Summarise the argument you have made.
The enduring ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality are further explored in Three Guineas. Through the epistolary form, Woolf maintains a sustained critique on the inferiority and disempowerment of women and the necessity for the subversion of these societal values in order to prevent war. Nice. She elucidates her pacifist views as opposed to the patriarchal and fascist society as emphasised by the fact that “ … to fight has always been the man’s habit, not the women’s,” hence reflecting the instinct of men in their obsession to fight, take charge and seek power as connoted by the ‘habit.’ Be sure your quotes always have associated techniques. Although women do not have as much option as men preventing this war due the restrictions by the societal values of fascism and patriarchy, even the minute influence of the daughter of educated men are ineffective as highlighted by the anaphora of the ‘very’ in the tricolon “very low in power, very slow in action, and very painful in use.” Watch expression - Be sure your ideas are presented clearly and logically. Hence, through an analysis of both her successful texts and an appreciation of their textual integrity, a deeper understanding on the timeless ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality is achieved as well as it’s ability to provoke responses from the audience through these ideas.A little vague - What ideas of gender inequality are presented? What responses are provoked? Need a little more depth.
Through its engagement with the audience, A Room of One’s Own skilfully explores the relevant ideas of money and the women’s need for financial independent to provoke responses from the audience. A little circular - Through engaging with the audience, it engages with the audience. Not quite a logical argument there? Prior to the Great Depression, Women were entitled to vote in the 1920s which was a great milestone. Don't use emotive terms when referring to historical/contextual influences. However, Woolf highlights that her inheritance seemed “infinitely the more important” than the ability to vote, thus hyperbolically reflecting the significance of money during her time. Not really a hyperbole, but I see where that comes from. She further endorses this idea through the simile “… like a slave” emphasizing the tough conditions and labour required to earn money prior to the inheritance from her Aunt. Good, but don't include the plot detail about the aunt - Keep the focus purely on techniques. This difficulty was like a “rust eating away the bloom of the spring, destroying the tree at its heart,” the analogy further elucidates the sheer amount of struggle and difficult women faced to obtain an income, thus highlighting the importance of money in the society. The juxtaposition between the ‘rust’ and the ‘spring’ reinforces this idea as well as emotionally engaging with the audience as Woolf mirrors the modern society as women still earn 16% lower pay an hour than men in today’s word. Be sure each paragraph has a proper conclusion.
Ideas on the significance of money and finance are perhaps further explored in Three Guineas. Don't say 'perhaps' - High modality is important, be sure of your ideas. The epistolary and rhetoric form further allows Woolf to sustain her argument and engaging with her audience as well as to endorse the significance of money in providing education. The personified allusion of the “voracious receptacle” of “Arthurs Education Fund” highlights the sacrifices women made so that men could acquire an education, thus also accentuating on the significance of money and finance on maintaining and achieving education. Good. The hyperbole “it cast a shadow over the entire landscape” also metaphorically reinforces it’s influence and power which initially grew out of the investment and energy from the women. Krystel Pujanes also complements my personal views on Woolf’s argument as reflected by her sarcastic comment “it also pays for all the other ‘essential parts’ of his education–including travel, leisure, lodging, and society.” This is certainly true as reflected by the anaphora “all the land, all the valuables” when Woolf describes the properties acquired by men through the fund. Good analysis in this paragraph - What is the impact on the audience? How do we respond? Although this is the case, I believe Woolf still highlights the difficulty of women obtaining income. As above, don't use personal references like "I believe," this is still an academic piece. Their struggle to acquire financial independence is emphasized through the repetition of “incredibly minute,” highlighting that although there has been an increase in women’s income, it is still inadequate. This is comparable to the modern-day statistics. Thus personally, Woolf’s engagement with the audience through her skilful exploration of the ideas on the importance and influential power of money certainly provokes responses, making her texts successful.
In conclusion, via an in-depth analysis of Woolf’s successful polemics A Room of One’s Own and Three Guineas, I strongly believe that her exploration of the enduring and relevant ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality as well as the importance of money strongly engages with the audience, thus instigating a response from them. A bit more beef in the conclusion - Restate how texts rely on techniques and ideas to be succesful, relate back to your text, then give this sentence as final judgement. By itself is a little short.
Evaluate the truth of this statement through a critical analysis of the language, content and construction of your prescribed text
It is not only the style, structure and language of a text but also its ability to provoke audience discourses through its enduring ideas that makes it a timeless success. Great introduction - Be sure to break your ideas up with commas to make sure the reader interprets them correctly. Virginia Woolf’s polemics A Room of One’s Own and Three Guineas were written prior to the outbreak of the Great War and was influenced by the first wave of feminist movement as well as the modernist society which was dominated by male egoism and fascism. Ditto here - I like what you are saying but I'm having to do all the grouping myself - It takes away from your sophistication. These contextual influences on her work helps portray the disenfranchisement of women and their exclusion from intellectual and creative freedom under the guise of patriarchy as well as the importance of money and financial independence on the lives of women, thereby provoking audience discourses. Not sure if "helps portray" is the right word there - You are saying its represented within, not that it has actually assisted in representing. Just seems a little off. A deeper analysis of Woolf’s sustained critique on these perpetual ideas provides the audience with a meaningful insight into her engaging texts and a heightened appreciation of its textual integrity in elucidating the relevance of its social and historical context. Good intro - The expression of ideas is the biggest weakness - Work on breaking it down more and giving more detail too!
A room of one’s explores the timeless ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality to challenge the reader’s perspective. Of what? Initially as lectures delivered at a female college in 1928, Woolf’s essays on ‘women and fiction’ questions the oppression of women under the patriarchal society and their objectification by men, as reflected when women are portrayed as “looking-glasses … reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size,” hence sarcastically and metaphorically emphasizing women’s inferiority and their lower societal class. Excellent. Taking away this ‘mirror’, the “man may die, like a drug fiend deprived of his cocaine,” in which the simile highlights and reinforces the societal expectations of women as ‘looking-glasses’ to give the male gender a sense of superiority, a crucial acquisition of their lives. Excellent style of analysis here - Good job on getting it all into a single sentence. These relevant and engaging ideas on gender inequality certainly instigates responses from the audience, as Rachel Bowlby, a professor at University College London, remarks that “men’s college dining, halfway to heaven; women’s college dining, one star.” I certainly believe this is true, as Woolf elucidates these disparities through the juxtaposition between men’s luxurious luncheon with “sprouts foliated as rosebuds but more succulent” and the women’s “plain gravy soup.” Watch the use of first person - I'm personally against it. Check your teachers preference for now and don't do it in the HSC. The contrast between the long, descriptive language and the short, dull descriptions further endorse this inequality. Be sure your paragraph is concluded definitively - Summarise the argument you have made.
The enduring ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality are further explored in Three Guineas. Through the epistolary form, Woolf maintains a sustained critique on the inferiority and disempowerment of women and the necessity for the subversion of these societal values in order to prevent war. Nice. She elucidates her pacifist views as opposed to the patriarchal and fascist society as emphasised by the fact that “ … to fight has always been the man’s habit, not the women’s,” hence reflecting the instinct of men in their obsession to fight, take charge and seek power as connoted by the ‘habit.’ Be sure your quotes always have associated techniques. Although women do not have as much option as men preventing this war due the restrictions by the societal values of fascism and patriarchy, even the minute influence of the daughter of educated men are ineffective as highlighted by the anaphora of the ‘very’ in the tricolon “very low in power, very slow in action, and very painful in use.” Watch expression - Be sure your ideas are presented clearly and logically. Hence, through an analysis of both her successful texts and an appreciation of their textual integrity, a deeper understanding on the timeless ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality is achieved as well as it’s ability to provoke responses from the audience through these ideas.A little vague - What ideas of gender inequality are presented? What responses are provoked? Need a little more depth.
Through its engagement with the audience, A Room of One’s Own skilfully explores the relevant ideas of money and the women’s need for financial independent to provoke responses from the audience. A little circular - Through engaging with the audience, it engages with the audience. Not quite a logical argument there? Prior to the Great Depression, Women were entitled to vote in the 1920s which was a great milestone. Don't use emotive terms when referring to historical/contextual influences. However, Woolf highlights that her inheritance seemed “infinitely the more important” than the ability to vote, thus hyperbolically reflecting the significance of money during her time. Not really a hyperbole, but I see where that comes from. She further endorses this idea through the simile “… like a slave” emphasizing the tough conditions and labour required to earn money prior to the inheritance from her Aunt. Good, but don't include the plot detail about the aunt - Keep the focus purely on techniques. This difficulty was like a “rust eating away the bloom of the spring, destroying the tree at its heart,” the analogy further elucidates the sheer amount of struggle and difficult women faced to obtain an income, thus highlighting the importance of money in the society. The juxtaposition between the ‘rust’ and the ‘spring’ reinforces this idea as well as emotionally engaging with the audience as Woolf mirrors the modern society as women still earn 16% lower pay an hour than men in today’s word. Be sure each paragraph has a proper conclusion.
Ideas on the significance of money and finance are perhaps further explored in Three Guineas. Don't say 'perhaps' - High modality is important, be sure of your ideas. The epistolary and rhetoric form further allows Woolf to sustain her argument and engaging with her audience as well as to endorse the significance of money in providing education. The personified allusion of the “voracious receptacle” of “Arthurs Education Fund” highlights the sacrifices women made so that men could acquire an education, thus also accentuating on the significance of money and finance on maintaining and achieving education. Good. The hyperbole “it cast a shadow over the entire landscape” also metaphorically reinforces it’s influence and power which initially grew out of the investment and energy from the women. Krystel Pujanes also complements my personal views on Woolf’s argument as reflected by her sarcastic comment “it also pays for all the other ‘essential parts’ of his education–including travel, leisure, lodging, and society.” This is certainly true as reflected by the anaphora “all the land, all the valuables” when Woolf describes the properties acquired by men through the fund. Good analysis in this paragraph - What is the impact on the audience? How do we respond? Although this is the case, I believe Woolf still highlights the difficulty of women obtaining income. As above, don't use personal references like "I believe," this is still an academic piece. Their struggle to acquire financial independence is emphasized through the repetition of “incredibly minute,” highlighting that although there has been an increase in women’s income, it is still inadequate. This is comparable to the modern-day statistics. Thus personally, Woolf’s engagement with the audience through her skilful exploration of the ideas on the importance and influential power of money certainly provokes responses, making her texts successful.
In conclusion, via an in-depth analysis of Woolf’s successful polemics A Room of One’s Own and Three Guineas, I strongly believe that her exploration of the enduring and relevant ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality as well as the importance of money strongly engages with the audience, thus instigating a response from them. A bit more beef in the conclusion - Restate how texts rely on techniques and ideas to be succesful, relate back to your text, then give this sentence as final judgement. By itself is a little short.
Good essay ellipse! Some places with really good analysis and excellent ideas, nice links to context. Watch your expression throughout (some places it was great, others you need to slow down a little, add commas, just be a bit more direct). Analysis was fantastic in sections but much weaker in others - This should be clear in the comments, you need to maintain the pattern of giving a technique with a quote then analysing what it achieves for the composer. Pick the places I said worked well and try and emulate your style in those sections :)
Besides that, the comments pretty much cover it! Let me know if I can clarify anything for you ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 29, 2017, 05:45:14 am
Hi, I've got a speech for Mod B next week and I was wondering if I could get some feedback? I've also got too many words for a 3 minute speech so any suggestions on what to cut out of the speech would be great! I'm also having a bit of trouble with the critical analysis part - do I have enough in my speech? Thank you! :)
Hey there! I studied Yeats so I'm keen to have a look at this :)
Spoiler
Discuss the extent to which Yeats’ poetry provides a response to the anxieties of his context making close reference to TWO poems set for study.
“Poetry makes nothing happen.” Although what Auden says is true to the extent that poetry merely reflects and critiques what happens in the world around us, it can also provoke all aspects of human emotion to challenge a reader’s perspective of the world. Yeats’ intrinsically links his poetry with the political as a way to respond to the events of his Irish history and struggle towards independence and ultimately reflect society’s anxieties of the unknown future in his poetry. I love you starting this speech with a quote from Auden. This is really unique! You've also addressed the question really well.
In examining his elegy Easter 1916, the poem is a response to the 1916 Easter Uprising in which the cost of lives for Ireland’s independence is questioned. The critical tone in the second stanza reflects Yeats’ thought processon questioning as he questions the worth of the rebels’ sacrifice, and is reflective of society’s views at the time of the rebels as fools. Indeed, Yeats’ responds to the rebels’ actions by likening them to a “stone” that “troubles the living stream”, highlighting the dangers of fixity of purpose and emphasising the importance of natural change. The comparison to nature in the third stanza as something that changes “minute by minute” further highlights the beauty that comes with natural change, as contrast to the “stone” which is fixed and not alive. The stanzas all end with the paradoxical line “a terrible beauty is born”, as Yeats contemplates between the bravery and beauty of the individuals’ dedication towards their country’s independence, and the unnecessary loss of lives that occurred as a result. Yeats’ concludes his elegy with a stanza filled with rhetorical questions which challenges questionsI think you need to get rid of questions? the worth of the rebels’ sacrifice as “was it needless death after all?”, whilst encompassing the universal anxiety of each individual to live a life of worth and to be remembered. Ultimately, the poem places an emphasis on reconciling the antithetical notion of change and stability in order for a society to develop, whilst questioning the nature of the rebels’ sacrifice and its necessity in response to the Easter Uprising.
Yeats’ poem The Second Coming takes an overview of the devastation in a post-WWI Europe and the future of a world characterised by chaos, violence, and the inversion of values. The poem written in blank verse with no rhyme scheme reflects the lack of stability at the time, with the “widening gyre” symbolising the end of life’s cycle which Yeats strongly believed in. It is at the end of this “widening gyre” that Yeats’ reflects society’s anxieties and fears of the chaos that may lay ahead where “the falcon cannot hear the falconer”, suggesting that society has strayed too far from its values to act responsibly. As a result, a “rough beast” that is alluded to as the anti-Christ is woken up, with “a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun” representing the darkness of the future. He ends the stanza with a rhetorical question “slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” where connotations of Bethlehem as Jesus’ birthplace is subverted into a place where the beast is heading towards. The questioning reflects society’s anxieties of the possibilities of the future in an already chaotic world, and whether it will ultimately go to the point of this apocalyptic vision of where the “terrible beauty is born.” Thus, The Second Coming is a response to the chaos in the world and the feelings of fear towards the future in a post-WWI world plagued by death and destruction.
Although his poetry may not provoke a response from outside the individual, Yeats’ poetry is something that can resonate within an individual to exert his own beliefs and perspectives of the world. Ultimately, Yeats’ poetry comments and critiques on the events of his context and expresses the universality of society’s anxieties of the future and an individual’s legacy in a seemingly bleak world.
“Poetry makes nothing happen.” Although what Auden says is true to the extent that poetry merely reflects and critiques what happens in the world around us, it can also provoke all aspects of human emotion to challenge a reader’s perspective of the world. Yeats’ intrinsically links his poetry with the political as a way to respond to the events of his Irish history and struggle towards independence and ultimately reflect society’s anxieties of the unknown future in his poetry. I love you starting this speech with a quote from Auden. This is really unique! You've also addressed the question really well.
In examining his elegy Easter 1916, the poem is a response to the 1916 Easter Uprising in which the cost of lives for Ireland’s independence is questioned. The critical tone in the second stanza reflects Yeats’ thought process
Yeats’ poem The Second Coming takes an overview of the devastation in a post-WWI Europe and the future of a world characterised by chaos, violence, and the inversion of values. The poem written in blank verse with no rhyme scheme reflects the lack of stability at the time, with the “widening gyre” symbolising the end of life’s cycle which Yeats strongly believed in. It is at the end of this “widening gyre” that Yeats’ reflects society’s anxieties and fears of the chaos that may lay ahead where “the falcon cannot hear the falconer”, suggesting that society has strayed too far from its values to act responsibly. As a result, a “rough beast” that is alluded to as the anti-Christ is woken up, with “a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun” representing the darkness of the future. He ends the stanza with a rhetorical question “slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” where connotations of Bethlehem as Jesus’ birthplace is subverted into a place where the beast is heading towards. The questioning reflects society’s anxieties of the possibilities of the future in an already chaotic world, and whether it will ultimately go to the point of this apocalyptic vision of where the “terrible beauty is born.” Thus, The Second Coming is a response to the chaos in the world and the feelings of fear towards the future in a post-WWI world plagued by death and destruction.
Although his poetry may not provoke a response from outside the individual, Yeats’ poetry is something that can resonate within an individual to exert his own beliefs and perspectives of the world. Ultimately, Yeats’ poetry comments and critiques on the events of his context and expresses the universality of society’s anxieties of the future and an individual’s legacy in a seemingly bleak world.
I think your analysis for this is actually spectacular - you've really engaged with the question but also brought your own discussion to the table as well! Really impressive! In a Module B response, we need to talk about the personal response someone has to a text. It doesn't specifically ask this of you in your speech question, but presumably your teacher expects you to follow this through in order to excel within the Module B guidelines. I think your use of the quote at the beginning is spectacular, but I urge you to consider the way audiences that are contemporary to Yeats, and audiences now, can have a response prompted by reading the poetry. What aspect of society is reflected for them? Whichever parts you cannot connect with this in your speech, will be what you can cut from your analysis to cut down on words! I think you've really packed a lot in a very short time, I was pleasantly impressed, because 3 minutes is very limiting!
You should be very pleased with this, but do consider connecting it to the responses of audiences a bit more, to extend on the way you've perfectly talked about Yeats' own society!
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 29, 2017, 07:49:12 am
Ahh I should of posted this here much much much earlier. My english exam is next Tuesday and I've prepared a Yeats essay but it desperately requires some cutting down. If someone here could point out some obvious flaws and where I could cut out (quotes etc) that'd be greatly appreciated. It's not a perfect essay but it's better then going into the exam room with nothing.
Cheers, Wales
Hey Wales! At just short of 1200 words, this is quite a nice but meaty length. I'll see if I can find any areas that need trimming!
Spoiler
Tension between an individual and life experiences is what creates interest in the poetry of William Butler Yeats. To what extent does this statement reflect your response to Easter 1916 and TWO other Yeats poems set for study.
The human experience fundamentally personifies one’s process of decision making when a tension between values is present. As a result the human psyche adherently innovates profound philosophical theories to combat them. I don't think this is an independent sentence as it stands. You'd need "As a result OF...." for it to make perfect grammatical sense, I think. I could be wrong on this, a fair warning, but it just doesn't read right to me.“Mr Yeats brought a new music upon the harp” Michael Faherty I would try and embed this because currently it sounds jarring. I know you've explained the significance of it, but even saying, "as Michael Faherty noted..." But also, who is Michael Faherty? Great quote but we need a little more info to fully appreciate itthrough his critique of Yeats promotes that he was of a new breed of poets, a breed renown for the ability to deeply explore the connection between life's experiences from a modernist perspective while maintaining the structural integrity of romantic poetry. Easter 1916’s eulogistic structure gives the audience an insight into both the martyrized nature of Yeats’ relationships and the overwhelming potency behind political motivation while ‘An Irish Airman Foresees His Death’ contrasts political motive with notions free will and patriotism. Conversely ‘When You Are Old’ demonstrates Yeats transitions between romanticism and modernism and delves into the unrequited nature of love and the connection between one’s emotions and their actions. Yeats poetry is regarded by renowned scholars as eye opening and refreshing due to its his shifting poetic form combined with his authorial desire to express his life experiences in order to highlight his intellectual transformation as he strives to evoke similar emotions within the audience. This is quite a long introduction - it's possible you could trim this. I think you can do an introduction well in four sentences, although I usually feel most comfortable with five. Address the question, introduce your thesis with the texts - done. Obviously take your own style and spin on this, but these are the essential elements of the intro. And your "thesis" should address the requirements of Module B, of course, by talking about responses of an audience (which you have done!)
William B. Yeats wrote the majority of his poems during a turbulent and revolutionary time with the pure intention to provoke human emotions and emphatically question the meaning of life and the afterlife. An Irish Airman Foresees His Death poses a persistent theme of patriotism and rejection of communal values by focusing on the human experience. Yeats capitalises on the religious symbolism of “Kiltartan Cross” which incorporates the pilots loyalty to his hometown with his Gaelic beliefs. Conversely, the pilots innocence toward propaganda and lacking sense of duty is promoted through the anaphora “Nor law, nor duty bade me fight” subverting the conforming political opinions of society and demonstrates the pilots integrity to hold to his personal beliefs. The presumption of fate for the pilot is established in the foreshadowing opening “I know I shall meet my fate somewhere among the clouds above” denotes a complete disregard for the preservation of life but rather to enjoy it as expressed through the chiasmus “the years seemed to come waste of breath, a waste of breath the years behind”. This elucidates to how the past and future pales in comparison to flying and ultimately furthering his desire to embrace the human experience and alludes to the inevitability of death. In the context of the Irish revolution society had conformed to one political side allowing their emotions to determine their beliefs rather than their desires however the Yeats’ intricate descriptions of the airman who prioritised human experience over longevity and the reputation one obtains after death. This is a great poem for the discussion of tension, in my opinion. I chose tension as my own thesis when I studied Yeats. I think you've done really well here to engage with the essay question!
Yeats helps maybe aids? just to bring the formality up a bit. the reader conceive the notions of unrequited love with his poetry through his wide array of literary techniques which inherently conjures an heightened sense of emotional response and interest in the reader. Interesting, a bit wordy, but I think it works. This could probably be simplified.When You Are Old is full of idiosyncratic details that establish coherent relationships between the human experience and the tension that exists between one's philosophies about love and its consequential actions. The poem begins with a stark contrast in tone with the use of the euphemistic imagery “ Old and grey and full of sleep” demonstrates his unique writing style as one that blends with both Modernism and Romanticism. You can talk about this tension between poetic movements! At the moment it doesn't add much to your analysis, it only identifies you understand poetic movements without explaining the significance.The individual Yeats describes is likely Maud Gonne whom was his muse and the recipient of the unrequited love. By creating the dream-like atmosphere of the poem in the opening through his soft “ABBA” rhyme scheme it allows one to become indulged into his poetry rather than a spectator. The romantic dream-like tone is sustained throughout the poem and carries a heavy implication of reminiscence as he continues to describe Maud with the metaphor “ loved the pilgrim soul in you” solidifying his unconditional love for Maud and provides the reader with a intricate insight into his personal life with a passionate intensity, and does so effectively by structuring the poem into 3 perfect quatrains emphasising the wholeness and fulfillment he experienced whilst in the presence of Maud. Yeats juxtaposes this notion of fullness with “ face amid a crowd of stars” signifying the unreciprocated sense of love and distance between Yeats and Maud. The dichotomy of emotional experiences and modernist perspective places the reader in Yeats’ position of disparity and conflict between his desires and actions. I think you could use the word "tension" more in this paragraph - you are implicitly discussing these relationships but it could be engaged with further.
The Easter 1916 rebellion revitalised democratic traditions of Ireland giving the reader a historical insight into the roots from which Irish independence was derived from, conjuring notions of personal interest. Nice! During the rebellion Yeats was exposed to the true hardships of conflict and underwent profound intellectual and emotional transformations throughout the poem. Easter 1916’s eulogistic form is most present in the final stanza “ MacDonagh and Macbride And Connolly and Pearse” which directly pays tribute to those who held a role in the rebellion. Yeats implies the sacrifice of the leaders through the classical romantic dichotomy “ Through summer and winter seem” and juxtaposes it with the natural metaphor “Enchanted to a stone” implying that those who participated will have their legacy embedded into the history of Ireland. The development of the human psyche is fascinating phenomenon that Yeats critically analyzes analyses* in his poetry, constantly questioning the mutability of human nature through the contrasting poetic forms evident in the sudden shift of themes to romanticism and nature in Stanza 3 “The rider, the birds that range from cloud to tumbling cloud” where the symbolic image of the bird conjures a notion of freedom but then reverts back to a reminiscent tone in the final stanza through his use of first person “I write it out in verse”. [/u Really long sentence! Can be trimmed!]The contrasting perspective truly distinguishes Yeats from other poets of his time due to the static nature of poetic development at the time “bringing a new music upon the harp” as Faherty stated. As Yeats was conditioned to increasing conflict he began to develop an understanding for what Edmund Wilson described as “the intrinsic value of the individual”. Yeats demonstrates his understanding of modernist philosophy through his gradual acceptance of John Macbride whom he held great hatred to previously observed through his use of conflicting language “Yet I number him in the song” with the notion of acceptance accentuated through the refrain “ Transformed utterly: A terrible beauty is born”, the multiple appearances of the phrase signify Yeats’ newfound understanding of the mutability of human nature as a result of witnessing the acts of martyrdom in the uprising which shapes his understanding of morality and the intrinsic value of human life. Yeats concludes the poem with another refrain denoting his personal transformation and coming acceptance of those who have changed Ireland, he accepts that their sacrifice was one worthy of their deaths. This is your longest paragraph, surely, which makes sense because it does come with one of the more complicated poems. But I think if you want to be critical of any paragraph, it's this one, simply because it makes sense to cut from the longest. You do have two scholarly quotes in here, perhaps relocate or cull one!
Yeats’ idiosyncratic portrayal of his relationships, surroundings and tenacious connection between his emotions and life experiences reveal to the audience the true mutability of the human psyche. Yeats’ unique poetic style of dancing between modernism and romanticism truly solidifies him not just a revolutionary poet but historian.
The human experience fundamentally personifies one’s process of decision making when a tension between values is present. As a result the human psyche adherently innovates profound philosophical theories to combat them. I don't think this is an independent sentence as it stands. You'd need "As a result OF...." for it to make perfect grammatical sense, I think. I could be wrong on this, a fair warning, but it just doesn't read right to me.“Mr Yeats brought a new music upon the harp” Michael Faherty I would try and embed this because currently it sounds jarring. I know you've explained the significance of it, but even saying, "as Michael Faherty noted..." But also, who is Michael Faherty? Great quote but we need a little more info to fully appreciate itthrough his critique of Yeats promotes that he was of a new breed of poets, a breed renown for the ability to deeply explore the connection between life's experiences from a modernist perspective while maintaining the structural integrity of romantic poetry. Easter 1916’s eulogistic structure gives the audience an insight into both the martyrized nature of Yeats’ relationships and the overwhelming potency behind political motivation while ‘An Irish Airman Foresees His Death’ contrasts political motive with notions free will and patriotism. Conversely ‘When You Are Old’ demonstrates Yeats transitions between romanticism and modernism and delves into the unrequited nature of love and the connection between one’s emotions and their actions. Yeats poetry is regarded by renowned scholars as eye opening and refreshing due to its his shifting poetic form combined with his authorial desire to express his life experiences in order to highlight his intellectual transformation as he strives to evoke similar emotions within the audience. This is quite a long introduction - it's possible you could trim this. I think you can do an introduction well in four sentences, although I usually feel most comfortable with five. Address the question, introduce your thesis with the texts - done. Obviously take your own style and spin on this, but these are the essential elements of the intro. And your "thesis" should address the requirements of Module B, of course, by talking about responses of an audience (which you have done!)
William B. Yeats wrote the majority of his poems during a turbulent and revolutionary time with the pure intention to provoke human emotions and emphatically question the meaning of life and the afterlife. An Irish Airman Foresees His Death poses a persistent theme of patriotism and rejection of communal values by focusing on the human experience. Yeats capitalises on the religious symbolism of “Kiltartan Cross” which incorporates the pilots loyalty to his hometown with his Gaelic beliefs. Conversely, the pilots innocence toward propaganda and lacking sense of duty is promoted through the anaphora “Nor law, nor duty bade me fight” subverting the conforming political opinions of society and demonstrates the pilots integrity to hold to his personal beliefs. The presumption of fate for the pilot is established in the foreshadowing opening “I know I shall meet my fate somewhere among the clouds above” denotes a complete disregard for the preservation of life but rather to enjoy it as expressed through the chiasmus “the years seemed to come waste of breath, a waste of breath the years behind”. This elucidates to how the past and future pales in comparison to flying and ultimately furthering his desire to embrace the human experience and alludes to the inevitability of death. In the context of the Irish revolution society had conformed to one political side allowing their emotions to determine their beliefs rather than their desires however the Yeats’ intricate descriptions of the airman who prioritised human experience over longevity and the reputation one obtains after death. This is a great poem for the discussion of tension, in my opinion. I chose tension as my own thesis when I studied Yeats. I think you've done really well here to engage with the essay question!
Yeats helps maybe aids? just to bring the formality up a bit. the reader conceive the notions of unrequited love with his poetry through his wide array of literary techniques which inherently conjures an heightened sense of emotional response and interest in the reader. Interesting, a bit wordy, but I think it works. This could probably be simplified.When You Are Old is full of idiosyncratic details that establish coherent relationships between the human experience and the tension that exists between one's philosophies about love and its consequential actions. The poem begins with a stark contrast in tone with the use of the euphemistic imagery “ Old and grey and full of sleep” demonstrates his unique writing style as one that blends with both Modernism and Romanticism. You can talk about this tension between poetic movements! At the moment it doesn't add much to your analysis, it only identifies you understand poetic movements without explaining the significance.The individual Yeats describes is likely Maud Gonne whom was his muse and the recipient of the unrequited love. By creating the dream-like atmosphere of the poem in the opening through his soft “ABBA” rhyme scheme it allows one to become indulged into his poetry rather than a spectator. The romantic dream-like tone is sustained throughout the poem and carries a heavy implication of reminiscence as he continues to describe Maud with the metaphor “ loved the pilgrim soul in you” solidifying his unconditional love for Maud and provides the reader with a intricate insight into his personal life with a passionate intensity, and does so effectively by structuring the poem into 3 perfect quatrains emphasising the wholeness and fulfillment he experienced whilst in the presence of Maud. Yeats juxtaposes this notion of fullness with “ face amid a crowd of stars” signifying the unreciprocated sense of love and distance between Yeats and Maud. The dichotomy of emotional experiences and modernist perspective places the reader in Yeats’ position of disparity and conflict between his desires and actions. I think you could use the word "tension" more in this paragraph - you are implicitly discussing these relationships but it could be engaged with further.
The Easter 1916 rebellion revitalised democratic traditions of Ireland giving the reader a historical insight into the roots from which Irish independence was derived from, conjuring notions of personal interest. Nice! During the rebellion Yeats was exposed to the true hardships of conflict and underwent profound intellectual and emotional transformations throughout the poem. Easter 1916’s eulogistic form is most present in the final stanza “ MacDonagh and Macbride And Connolly and Pearse” which directly pays tribute to those who held a role in the rebellion. Yeats implies the sacrifice of the leaders through the classical romantic dichotomy “ Through summer and winter seem” and juxtaposes it with the natural metaphor “Enchanted to a stone” implying that those who participated will have their legacy embedded into the history of Ireland. The development of the human psyche is fascinating phenomenon that Yeats critically analyzes analyses* in his poetry, constantly questioning the mutability of human nature through the contrasting poetic forms evident in the sudden shift of themes to romanticism and nature in Stanza 3 “The rider, the birds that range from cloud to tumbling cloud” where the symbolic image of the bird conjures a notion of freedom but then reverts back to a reminiscent tone in the final stanza through his use of first person “I write it out in verse”. [/u Really long sentence! Can be trimmed!]The contrasting perspective truly distinguishes Yeats from other poets of his time due to the static nature of poetic development at the time “bringing a new music upon the harp” as Faherty stated. As Yeats was conditioned to increasing conflict he began to develop an understanding for what Edmund Wilson described as “the intrinsic value of the individual”. Yeats demonstrates his understanding of modernist philosophy through his gradual acceptance of John Macbride whom he held great hatred to previously observed through his use of conflicting language “Yet I number him in the song” with the notion of acceptance accentuated through the refrain “ Transformed utterly: A terrible beauty is born”, the multiple appearances of the phrase signify Yeats’ newfound understanding of the mutability of human nature as a result of witnessing the acts of martyrdom in the uprising which shapes his understanding of morality and the intrinsic value of human life. Yeats concludes the poem with another refrain denoting his personal transformation and coming acceptance of those who have changed Ireland, he accepts that their sacrifice was one worthy of their deaths. This is your longest paragraph, surely, which makes sense because it does come with one of the more complicated poems. But I think if you want to be critical of any paragraph, it's this one, simply because it makes sense to cut from the longest. You do have two scholarly quotes in here, perhaps relocate or cull one!
Yeats’ idiosyncratic portrayal of his relationships, surroundings and tenacious connection between his emotions and life experiences reveal to the audience the true mutability of the human psyche. Yeats’ unique poetic style of dancing between modernism and romanticism truly solidifies him not just a revolutionary poet but historian.
You've got this down pat, you're definitely on the right track. Your understanding of the texts is clear, but there are times where the point is lost in long sentences or simply just repeating. I've pointed this out though, and fortunately it doesn't happen often. You've got a great essay here - but hopefully this helps you know where to cull! Good luck!
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 29, 2017, 07:52:14 am
Hey there!Hey there! Sorry we've been delayed as of late with the feedback. If possible, can you please upload this as a document that's not PDF, or copy and paste the essay into the comment section? Only because when I copy and paste a PDF here to edit, it doesn't bring your sentences and paragraphs over in the same way so the structure becomes convoluted. If I don't hear back from you by the end of the day I'll just give feedback based on the PDF which is fine - I just thought I'd put it out there in case we can make it clearer :) But if not, I'll definitely mark it later tonight (Monday) :)
So this is my essay for Module B and for the novel Cloudstreet by Tim Winton, I was wondering if I could receive some feedback on a draft I have written, anything would be absolutely appreciated because your help is seriously the most beneficial thing ever!
Thank you in advance :D
Post by: 1937jk on May 29, 2017, 07:56:28 am
Hey there! Sorry we've been delayed as of late with the feedback. If possible, can you please upload this as a document that's not PDF, or copy and paste the essay into the comment section? Only because when I copy and paste a PDF here to edit, it doesn't bring your sentences and paragraphs over in the same way so the structure becomes convoluted. If I don't hear back from you by the end of the day I'll just give feedback based on the PDF which is fine - I just thought I'd put it out there in case we can make it clearer :) But if not, I'll definitely mark it later tonight (Monday) :)
Hey, so sorry for the inconvenience! I'll copy and paste below if thats all good?
So we have been provided this question that we will sit an exam on, I have written a draft for it and was wondering if i could receive some feedback on it?
I have included questions at the end of the essay with things that I wanted to clarify
Thankyou!
“The room sighs, the house breaths its first painless breath in half a century and outside the pig is going at it balls to the wall, giving it his all, like an angel in a pig’s body, like a bacon choir, like the voice of God himself pouring up through the fruit trees, rattling the tin fence, shaking the old smells from the walls and the worry from the paintwork, till it spills out on the street where they’re already celebrating something else, something they’ve been waiting for in their beds all year.”
In your view, how does Winton’s portrayal of reconciliation contribute to the enduring value of Cloudstreet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the extract from Cloudstreet and the novel as a whole.
The emphatic division between characters, ironically provides an adaptive conclusion for themselves and the reader. This is predominant through Tim Winton’s novel ‘Cloudstreet’ as the revolving tension between two families (Lambs and Pickles) is portrayed so that they juxtapose one another, yet they contribute to each others development in order to achieve a rapprochement. In particular, the house metaphorically undertakes both the struggles and success of the families which effectively offers the reader an understanding of the integral reality prominent throughout the novel. Additionally, his use of Australian vernacular highlights the process of reconciliation between white European colonisation and Aborigines and how, for many Australians today, this is still a concept of acceptance similar to what the Lambs and Pickles undergo. Further, the use of an omniscient narrator offers an insight for the reader to challenge spiritual beliefs, specifically through Fish’s moments of transfiguration. Therefore, as our nation continues to reconciles itself today, so do the characters according to context and perspective, hence determining the overall enduring value of the novel.
The house at No. 1 Cloudstreet, though divided, is a vessel of unification for characters. Winton’s emphasis placed on the personification of the house provides a connection between the meandering plot and integrity of the text. This is achieved as the house becomes a constant for both families by providing opportunity for stability and sustainable life which is vital for reconciliation to occur. The personification of “the room sighs” and “breathes” offers the house a quality of life in that the action of breathing is fundamental for survival. However, this narration by Fish is ridicule to his disembodied voice as a result of water physically subduing his lungs. Further, the visceral simile “like his flesh has turned to pus” portrays the consequences of division such as yearning to unite with whole self. Additionally, this contributes to Oriel Lamb's struggle to connect with the transcendency of the house as it is her determination that impedes Fish from his death which is reflected in her initiative of “this place is temporary” (55). This is ironic as Cloudstreet undertakes a permanent role in the life of her family and contributes to the uniting of the Pickles and Lambs relationship. “Oriel poured water into her and sponged her down” (125) The use of water as a motif depicts how it can remove the quality of life from an individual and contrastingly provide a symbol of purification and nurturing of the juxtaposing families. Furthermore, the unintentional bitterness of the tone “You’ll have an income, Mrs Pickles” (58) emphasises the division between the characters. However, it is through the commonality of the house that it highlights how the families contribute to each others development in order to achieve cohesion through their experiences. Evidently Fish’s division of self provides the reader exposure to struggles and conflict that enforce an integral connection through common experience within human life.
The indicative obligation for conclusion amongst characters produces a replica that is also required for a nation according to context. Cloudstreet is a postcolonial text in which Winton utilises Australian vernacular to convey authentic experiences of working class families. Beneficially, this group of people make up the majority of his readership determining how “this marvellous post-modern novel of family life” indicates its ability to “warm the heart, as well as spark the imagination” (Kirkus Reviews) which is recognised both in Australia and overseas suggesting the endurance of the text through time and culture. However, it is through focusing on Australian culture, that implications of Aboriginal dispossession arises and context challenges the value placed upon the act of amalgamating the Aborigines with white colonisers. Evidently, Oriel’s insight offers a representation of the significance of reconciliation during her time, “This is the country and it’s confused” (231). The personification of the country with physical emotions suggests the nation's ignorance and lack of awareness towards the damage to Aboriginal Spirituality from the Stolen Generation. Although, a modern day reader is enabled via context to recognise the implicit cry for help “inside i knew it was the country. Moanin.” (231) The vernacular language emphasises the Australian accent and Lester's conclusion opens an understanding for the reader to recognise the significance of the Aboriginals spiritual connection to the land. Ultimately, the physical destruction of this connection implies for a society to continually recognise the need for reconciliation. Further, Oriel’s viewpoint “War is our natural state” (229) is antithetical towards reconciliation and how it demonstrates the consequences of permanent feelings of guilt. Although, it does not become apparent until “shaking… the worry from the paintwork, till it spills out” which is symbolic of the traumatic events that occurred prior to the Lambs and Pickles of which are embedded into the stationary ‘paintwork’ that it metaphorically takes on the movement of ‘spills’. This represents the reconciliation of the house with its past in order to offer a new future, similar to what we as a nation are working towards today with Aboriginals and White colonisation. Overall, the conclusive ending reconciles the confusion and disparity within the novel and offers an integral interpretation for the reader.
The division between spiritual and physical perspective impose a challenge to one's value and beliefs. The spiritual references through the omniscient narrator Fish reveal the intentional meaning behind his divided character. Water symbolism enforces Fish’s connection as it is what offers him relief, “You’re aching while those dark angels laugh on the water without you” (178). The use of colour symbolism challenges what one views as death and opens understanding of how Fish is split between two worlds. This suggests that it is human nature to yearn for wholeness. Conversely, when Quick is knocked out by a kangaroo, he is near death and his dream provides his closest connection with Fish throughout the novel as he embodies a similar state to his brother. “You going home, Fish?” (201) The use of an open ended question, forces the reader to consider where home exactly is: Cloudstreet or heaven? This can be answered with the reconciliation experienced through the birth of Wax Harry as the families are united, “something they’ve been waiting for in their beds all year”. The anticipation suggests that is something that has been long-awaited for and the reference to ‘beds’ is linked with dreams and hence reinforces the reunion and replenishment of relationships. Holistically, it is by reuniting the spiritual and physical self that one ultimately achieves reconciliation with self and others.
To conclude, Winton’s portrayal of relatable human experiences emphasises the vitality in achieving reconciliation. It is through his use of cyclical structure, Australian vernacular and omniscient narration that he effectively affirms the struggles and complications that arise between two families who both contrast and compliment one another and the challenges that present the need to overcome in order to ensure a cohesive conclusion. This is what maintains the enduring value of the novel through context. Hence, the ironic division demonstrated in ‘Cloudstreet’ contributes to the overall unity of the text through common human experience.
So my 2nd and 3rd paragraphs have been identified as strong paragraphs, however, my intro and 1st paragraph have been flagged as needing ‘immediate attention’. I have reworked them in attempt to improve them and was wondering if you might be able to help me pinpoint what it is exactly that makes the paragraphs differ in their quality.
Also, I am concerned that my intro is waaaay too long any suggestions in making it shorter, or is it able to work being that length? And my thesis, does it make sense? I’m not sure what I was really going for with ‘adaptive conclusion’ ) part but I just couldn’t string the words together. (I guess the fact that the novel can be read over different contexts and the reader can interpret their own understanding, their not restricted to context If that makes any sense haha)
Is my use of the stimulus okay? I have always struggled to find that balance of over/under using it
Any feedback would be absolutely appreciated!!!!
Thank you so much in advanced :)
Post by: Wales on May 29, 2017, 12:45:46 pm
Hey Wales! At just short of 1200 words, this is quite a nice but meaty length. I'll see if I can find any areas that need trimming!SpoilerTension between an individual and life experiences is what creates interest in the poetry of William Butler Yeats. To what extent does this statement reflect your response to Easter 1916 and TWO other Yeats poems set for study.
The human experience fundamentally personifies one’s process of decision making when a tension between values is present. As a result the human psyche adherently innovates profound philosophical theories to combat them. I don't think this is an independent sentence as it stands. You'd need "As a result OF...." for it to make perfect grammatical sense, I think. I could be wrong on this, a fair warning, but it just doesn't read right to me.“Mr Yeats brought a new music upon the harp” Michael Faherty I would try and embed this because currently it sounds jarring. I know you've explained the significance of it, but even saying, "as Michael Faherty noted..." But also, who is Michael Faherty? Great quote but we need a little more info to fully appreciate itthrough his critique of Yeats promotes that he was of a new breed of poets, a breed renown for the ability to deeply explore the connection between life's experiences from a modernist perspective while maintaining the structural integrity of romantic poetry. Easter 1916’s eulogistic structure gives the audience an insight into both the martyrized nature of Yeats’ relationships and the overwhelming potency behind political motivation while ‘An Irish Airman Foresees His Death’ contrasts political motive with notions free will and patriotism. Conversely ‘When You Are Old’ demonstrates Yeats transitions between romanticism and modernism and delves into the unrequited nature of love and the connection between one’s emotions and their actions. Yeats poetry is regarded by renowned scholars as eye opening and refreshing due to its his shifting poetic form combined with his authorial desire to express his life experiences in order to highlight his intellectual transformation as he strives to evoke similar emotions within the audience. This is quite a long introduction - it's possible you could trim this. I think you can do an introduction well in four sentences, although I usually feel most comfortable with five. Address the question, introduce your thesis with the texts - done. Obviously take your own style and spin on this, but these are the essential elements of the intro. And your "thesis" should address the requirements of Module B, of course, by talking about responses of an audience (which you have done!)
William B. Yeats wrote the majority of his poems during a turbulent and revolutionary time with the pure intention to provoke human emotions and emphatically question the meaning of life and the afterlife. An Irish Airman Foresees His Death poses a persistent theme of patriotism and rejection of communal values by focusing on the human experience. Yeats capitalises on the religious symbolism of “Kiltartan Cross” which incorporates the pilots loyalty to his hometown with his Gaelic beliefs. Conversely, the pilots innocence toward propaganda and lacking sense of duty is promoted through the anaphora “Nor law, nor duty bade me fight” subverting the conforming political opinions of society and demonstrates the pilots integrity to hold to his personal beliefs. The presumption of fate for the pilot is established in the foreshadowing opening “I know I shall meet my fate somewhere among the clouds above” denotes a complete disregard for the preservation of life but rather to enjoy it as expressed through the chiasmus “the years seemed to come waste of breath, a waste of breath the years behind”. This elucidates to how the past and future pales in comparison to flying and ultimately furthering his desire to embrace the human experience and alludes to the inevitability of death. In the context of the Irish revolution society had conformed to one political side allowing their emotions to determine their beliefs rather than their desires however the Yeats’ intricate descriptions of the airman who prioritised human experience over longevity and the reputation one obtains after death. This is a great poem for the discussion of tension, in my opinion. I chose tension as my own thesis when I studied Yeats. I think you've done really well here to engage with the essay question!
Yeats helps maybe aids? just to bring the formality up a bit. the reader conceive the notions of unrequited love with his poetry through his wide array of literary techniques which inherently conjures an heightened sense of emotional response and interest in the reader. Interesting, a bit wordy, but I think it works. This could probably be simplified.When You Are Old is full of idiosyncratic details that establish coherent relationships between the human experience and the tension that exists between one's philosophies about love and its consequential actions. The poem begins with a stark contrast in tone with the use of the euphemistic imagery “ Old and grey and full of sleep” demonstrates his unique writing style as one that blends with both Modernism and Romanticism. You can talk about this tension between poetic movements! At the moment it doesn't add much to your analysis, it only identifies you understand poetic movements without explaining the significance.The individual Yeats describes is likely Maud Gonne whom was his muse and the recipient of the unrequited love. By creating the dream-like atmosphere of the poem in the opening through his soft “ABBA” rhyme scheme it allows one to become indulged into his poetry rather than a spectator. The romantic dream-like tone is sustained throughout the poem and carries a heavy implication of reminiscence as he continues to describe Maud with the metaphor “ loved the pilgrim soul in you” solidifying his unconditional love for Maud and provides the reader with a intricate insight into his personal life with a passionate intensity, and does so effectively by structuring the poem into 3 perfect quatrains emphasising the wholeness and fulfillment he experienced whilst in the presence of Maud. Yeats juxtaposes this notion of fullness with “ face amid a crowd of stars” signifying the unreciprocated sense of love and distance between Yeats and Maud. The dichotomy of emotional experiences and modernist perspective places the reader in Yeats’ position of disparity and conflict between his desires and actions. I think you could use the word "tension" more in this paragraph - you are implicitly discussing these relationships but it could be engaged with further.
The Easter 1916 rebellion revitalised democratic traditions of Ireland giving the reader a historical insight into the roots from which Irish independence was derived from, conjuring notions of personal interest. Nice! During the rebellion Yeats was exposed to the true hardships of conflict and underwent profound intellectual and emotional transformations throughout the poem. Easter 1916’s eulogistic form is most present in the final stanza “ MacDonagh and Macbride And Connolly and Pearse” which directly pays tribute to those who held a role in the rebellion. Yeats implies the sacrifice of the leaders through the classical romantic dichotomy “ Through summer and winter seem” and juxtaposes it with the natural metaphor “Enchanted to a stone” implying that those who participated will have their legacy embedded into the history of Ireland. The development of the human psyche is fascinating phenomenon that Yeats critically analyzes analyses* in his poetry, constantly questioning the mutability of human nature through the contrasting poetic forms evident in the sudden shift of themes to romanticism and nature in Stanza 3 “The rider, the birds that range from cloud to tumbling cloud” where the symbolic image of the bird conjures a notion of freedom but then reverts back to a reminiscent tone in the final stanza through his use of first person “I write it out in verse”. [/u Really long sentence! Can be trimmed!]The contrasting perspective truly distinguishes Yeats from other poets of his time due to the static nature of poetic development at the time “bringing a new music upon the harp” as Faherty stated. As Yeats was conditioned to increasing conflict he began to develop an understanding for what Edmund Wilson described as “the intrinsic value of the individual”. Yeats demonstrates his understanding of modernist philosophy through his gradual acceptance of John Macbride whom he held great hatred to previously observed through his use of conflicting language “Yet I number him in the song” with the notion of acceptance accentuated through the refrain “ Transformed utterly: A terrible beauty is born”, the multiple appearances of the phrase signify Yeats’ newfound understanding of the mutability of human nature as a result of witnessing the acts of martyrdom in the uprising which shapes his understanding of morality and the intrinsic value of human life. Yeats concludes the poem with another refrain denoting his personal transformation and coming acceptance of those who have changed Ireland, he accepts that their sacrifice was one worthy of their deaths. This is your longest paragraph, surely, which makes sense because it does come with one of the more complicated poems. But I think if you want to be critical of any paragraph, it's this one, simply because it makes sense to cut from the longest. You do have two scholarly quotes in here, perhaps relocate or cull one!
Yeats’ idiosyncratic portrayal of his relationships, surroundings and tenacious connection between his emotions and life experiences reveal to the audience the true mutability of the human psyche. Yeats’ unique poetic style of dancing between modernism and romanticism truly solidifies him not just a revolutionary poet but historian.
You've got this down pat, you're definitely on the right track. Your understanding of the texts is clear, but there are times where the point is lost in long sentences or simply just repeating. I've pointed this out though, and fortunately it doesn't happen often. You've got a great essay here - but hopefully this helps you know where to cull! Good luck!
Awesome feedback as always Elyse :) I've cut it to just shy of 998, I'm bound to forget something when I get into the exam (hopefully nothing too important) so I think I will be okay. I write fairly quick anyhow.
I'm glad I've gotten the right ideas, I found Yeats as a topic incredibly difficult, the option of exploring the political side like I did or the entire greek mythology and gyre stuff which I wasn't as interested in :(
Regards, Wales
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 29, 2017, 05:56:40 pm
Awesome feedback as always Elyse :) I've cut it to just shy of 998, I'm bound to forget something when I get into the exam (hopefully nothing too important) so I think I will be okay. I write fairly quick anyhow.
I'm glad I've gotten the right ideas, I found Yeats as a topic incredibly difficult, the option of exploring the political side like I did or the entire greek mythology and gyre stuff which I wasn't as interested in :(
Regards, Wales
I studied Yeats and my notes on all of his texts (except the Second Coming - lost them) are in the Notes tab for free download if you'd like to access them! I really enjoyed Yeats so if you ever see it necessary, start up a Yeats thread and I'd be happy to talk about whatever I can with you :)
Post by: beau77bro on May 29, 2017, 06:28:10 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 29, 2017, 06:37:18 pm
Hey, so sorry for the inconvenience! I'll copy and paste below if thats all good?
So we have been provided this question that we will sit an exam on, I have written a draft for it and was wondering if i could receive some feedback on it?
I have included questions at the end of the essay with things that I wanted to clarify
Thankyou!
Thanks so much for reposting. I didn't want to hold you up, so I thought if you didn't reply to this then I'd just mark it from the PDF so I wouldn't hold you up, but it looks really chaotic on the page and the feedback might've been unclear!
Spoiler
“The room sighs, the house breaths its first painless breath in half a century and outside the pig is going at it balls to the wall, giving it his all, like an angel in a pig’s body, like a bacon choir, like the voice of God himself pouring up through the fruit trees, rattling the tin fence, shaking the old smells from the walls and the worry from the paintwork, till it spills out on the street where they’re already celebrating something else, something they’ve been waiting for in their beds all year.”
In your view, how does Winton’s portrayal of reconciliation contribute to the enduring value of Cloudstreet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the extract from Cloudstreet and the novel as a whole.
The emphatic division between characters, no need for a comma, ironically provides an adaptive conclusion for themselves and the reader. This is predominant through Tim Winton’s novel ‘Cloudstreet’ as the revolving tension between two families (Lambs and Pickles) is portrayed so that they juxtapose one another, yet they contribute to each others development in order to achieve a rapprochement. In particular, the house metaphorically undertakes both the struggles and success of the families which effectively offers the reader an understanding of the integral reality prominent throughout the novel. Additionally, his use of Australian vernacular highlights the process of reconciliation between white European colonisation and Aborigines and how, for many Australians today, this is still a concept of acceptance similar to what the Lambs and Pickles undergo. Further, the use of an omniscient narrator offers an insight for the reader to challenge spiritual beliefs, specifically through Fish’s moments of transfiguration. Therefore, as our nation continues to reconciles itself today, so do the characters according to context and perspective, hence determining the overall enduring value of the novel. I've read this introduction through a few times because I wasn't quite gripping your structure. Looking at it again, I can see what's going on now. Your last sentence is excellent - I think it's the best sentence of the introduction, so hang on to it! I think where the problem lays is between "Additionally" and the last sentence. Here you're more or less talking about the techniques at play, which is something I'd focus on in the body paragraphs. So instead, we can replace this analysis in the introduction with talk of textual integrity. This is a key element of Module B! The idea that the text works together in a really seamless way, all components come together to create a meaningful text. That's essentially what you're saying, except you're doing it in much more specific terms when that isn't quite necessary because it would be fine in the body instead. So, consider replacing the discussion of narrators and what not, with the discussion of Winton's textual integrity, combined with the subject matter, being what makes this so relatable.
The house at No. 1 Cloudstreet, though divided, is a vessel of unification for characters. Winton’s emphasis placed on the personification of the house provides a connection between the meandering plot and integrity of the text. Aha! Here comes the integrity :) This is achieved as the house becomes a constant for both families by providing opportunity for stability and sustainable life which is vital for reconciliation to occur. The personification of “the room sighs” and “breathes” offers the house a quality of lifein that the action of breathing is fundamental for survival. You're just stating the obvious with this part, it's fine to cut it out :) However, this narration by Fish is ridicule to his disembodied voice as a result of water physically subduing his lungs. Further, the visceral simile “like his flesh has turned to pus” portrays the consequences of division such as yearning to unite with whole self. Additionally, this contributes to Oriel Lamb's struggle to connect with the transcendency of the house as it is her determination that impedes Fish from his death which is reflected in her initiative of “this place is temporary” (55). This is ironic as Cloudstreet undertakes a permanent role in the life of her family and contributes to the uniting of the Pickles and Lambs relationship. “Oriel poured water into her and sponged her down” (125) The use of water as a motif depicts how it can remove the quality of life from an individual and contrastingly provide a symbol of purification and nurturing of the juxtaposing families. This sentence is confusing to me. I'm just not following it the entire way through. "The water motif is employed to have a dual purpose.
The water is a symbol of purification and nurturing, as it sits as a common denominator between the two families. Yet, the water in the plot where "Oriel poured water into her and sponged her down" is used as a representation of the way one's quality of life can be swept away." In suggesting this,
I haven't read Cloudstreet (tres tragic....I'd love to read it! I'm obsessed with Tim Winton! It's on the list!) so you'd need to play with the wording.
Usually, I'm all for cutting things down instead of extending, but in this situation I think your treatment of two uses of water at once loses meaning.Furthermore, the unintentional bitterness of the tone “You’ll have an income, Mrs Pickles” (58) emphasises the division between the characters. However, it is through the commonality of the house that it highlights how the families contribute to each others development in order to achieve cohesion through their experiences. Evidently Fish’s division of self provides the reader exposure to struggles and conflict that enforce an integral connection through common experience within human life. I don't actually think this paragraph is the train wreck you've been told it is. What we can do is look at the formality of language and ensure we are only discussing what is incredibly important and unique. As you see, I've taken out the bit about breathing being required to survive. Also, when you say "This is ironic as Cloudstreet..." we can improve the language. Instead, maybe, "The irony is apparent as Cloudstreet undertakes..." Avoid "this is" and "the quote indicates" and this kind of language is good for the formality of your work as a whole.
The indicative obligation for conclusion amongst characters produces a replica that is also required for a nation according to context. Cloudstreet is a postcolonial text in which Winton utilises Australian vernacular to convey authentic experiences of working class families. Beneficially, this group of people make up the majority of his readership determining how “this marvellous post-modern novel of family life” indicates its ability to “warm the heart, as well as spark the imagination” (Kirkus Reviews) which is recognised both in Australia and overseascomma suggesting the endurance of the text through time and culture. However, it is through focusing on Australian culture, no need for comma here that implications of Aboriginal dispossession arises and context challenges the value placed upon the act of amalgamating the Aborigines with white colonisers. Evidently, Oriel’s insight offers a representation of the significance of reconciliation during her time, “This is the country and it’s confused” (231). The personification of the country with physical emotions suggests the nation's ignorance and lack of awareness towards the damage to Aboriginal Spirituality from the Stolen Generation. Although, a modern day reader is enabled via context to recognise the implicit cry for help “inside i knew it was the country. Moanin.” (231) The vernacular language emphasises the Australian accent and Lester's conclusion opens an understanding for the reader to recognise the significance of the Aboriginals Aboriginal is not a noun, but an adjective. So you need to say, "of the Aboriginal people's* spiritual connection to the land. Ultimately, the physical destruction of this connection implies for a society to continually recognise the need for reconciliation. Further, Oriel’s viewpoint “War is our natural state” (229) is antithetical towards reconciliation and how it demonstrates the consequences of permanent feelings of guilt. Although, it does not become apparent until “shaking… the worry from the paintwork, till it spills out” which is symbolic of the traumatic events that occurred prior to the Lambs and Pickles of which are embedded into the stationary ‘paintwork’ that it metaphorically takes on the movement of ‘spills’. This represents the reconciliation of the house with its past in order to offer a new future, similar to what we as a nation are working towards today with Aboriginals and White colonisation. Overall, the conclusive ending reconciles the confusion and disparity within the novel and offers an integral interpretation for the reader. Yes, you're right, this paragraph is great! The reason being, you've managed to incorporate quotes seamlessly, engage with scholars, but also look closely at the way a responder is engaged in a really unique way. I will say though, unless your teacher has requested that you write the page numbers at the end of your quotes - it won't be necessary for the HSC. There's different publications of each book that will differ the page numbers and ultimately render this useless.
It's also one less thing to have to remember! :)
The division between spiritual and physical perspective impose a challenge to one's value and beliefs. The spiritual references through the omniscient narrator Fish reveal the intentional meaning behind his divided character. Water symbolism enforces Fish’s connection as it is what offers him relief, “You’re aching while those dark angels laugh on the water without you” (178). The use of colour symbolism challenges what one views as death and opens understanding of how Fish is split between two worlds. This suggests that it is human nature to yearn for wholeness. Conversely, when Quick is knocked out by a kangaroo, he is near death and his dream provides his closest connection with Fish throughout the novel as he embodies a similar state to his brother. “You going home, Fish?” (201) The use of an open ended question, forces the reader to consider where home exactly is: Cloudstreet or heaven? This can be answered with the reconciliation experienced through the birth of Wax Harry as the families are united, “something they’ve been waiting for in their beds all year”. The anticipation suggests that is something that has been long-awaited for and the reference to ‘beds’ is linked with dreams and hence reinforces the reunion and replenishment of relationships. Holistically, it is by reuniting the spiritual and physical self that one ultimately achieves reconciliation with self and others. Really unique paragraph here! I like it.
To conclude, Winton’s portrayal of relatable human experiences emphasises the vitality in achieving reconciliation. It is through his use of cyclical structure, Australian vernacular and omniscient narration that he effectively affirms the struggles and complications that arise between two families who both contrast and compliment one another and the challenges that present the need to overcome in order to ensure a cohesive conclusion. This is one very long sentence - it needs to be sliced in half! I love everything you're saying in it, though. So hold on to the essence, just give it a trim :) This is what maintains the enduring value of the novel through context. Hence, the ironic division demonstrated in ‘Cloudstreet’ contributes to the overall unity of the text through common human experience.
In your view, how does Winton’s portrayal of reconciliation contribute to the enduring value of Cloudstreet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the extract from Cloudstreet and the novel as a whole.
The emphatic division between characters, no need for a comma, ironically provides an adaptive conclusion for themselves and the reader. This is predominant through Tim Winton’s novel ‘Cloudstreet’ as the revolving tension between two families (Lambs and Pickles) is portrayed so that they juxtapose one another, yet they contribute to each others development in order to achieve a rapprochement. In particular, the house metaphorically undertakes both the struggles and success of the families which effectively offers the reader an understanding of the integral reality prominent throughout the novel. Additionally, his use of Australian vernacular highlights the process of reconciliation between white European colonisation and Aborigines and how, for many Australians today, this is still a concept of acceptance similar to what the Lambs and Pickles undergo. Further, the use of an omniscient narrator offers an insight for the reader to challenge spiritual beliefs, specifically through Fish’s moments of transfiguration. Therefore, as our nation continues to reconciles itself today, so do the characters according to context and perspective, hence determining the overall enduring value of the novel. I've read this introduction through a few times because I wasn't quite gripping your structure. Looking at it again, I can see what's going on now. Your last sentence is excellent - I think it's the best sentence of the introduction, so hang on to it! I think where the problem lays is between "Additionally" and the last sentence. Here you're more or less talking about the techniques at play, which is something I'd focus on in the body paragraphs. So instead, we can replace this analysis in the introduction with talk of textual integrity. This is a key element of Module B! The idea that the text works together in a really seamless way, all components come together to create a meaningful text. That's essentially what you're saying, except you're doing it in much more specific terms when that isn't quite necessary because it would be fine in the body instead. So, consider replacing the discussion of narrators and what not, with the discussion of Winton's textual integrity, combined with the subject matter, being what makes this so relatable.
The house at No. 1 Cloudstreet, though divided, is a vessel of unification for characters. Winton’s emphasis placed on the personification of the house provides a connection between the meandering plot and integrity of the text. Aha! Here comes the integrity :) This is achieved as the house becomes a constant for both families by providing opportunity for stability and sustainable life which is vital for reconciliation to occur. The personification of “the room sighs” and “breathes” offers the house a quality of life
The water is a symbol of purification and nurturing, as it sits as a common denominator between the two families. Yet, the water in the plot where "Oriel poured water into her and sponged her down" is used as a representation of the way one's quality of life can be swept away." In suggesting this,
I haven't read Cloudstreet (tres tragic....I'd love to read it! I'm obsessed with Tim Winton! It's on the list!) so you'd need to play with the wording.
Usually, I'm all for cutting things down instead of extending, but in this situation I think your treatment of two uses of water at once loses meaning.Furthermore, the unintentional bitterness of the tone “You’ll have an income, Mrs Pickles” (58) emphasises the division between the characters. However, it is through the commonality of the house that it highlights how the families contribute to each others development in order to achieve cohesion through their experiences. Evidently Fish’s division of self provides the reader exposure to struggles and conflict that enforce an integral connection through common experience within human life. I don't actually think this paragraph is the train wreck you've been told it is. What we can do is look at the formality of language and ensure we are only discussing what is incredibly important and unique. As you see, I've taken out the bit about breathing being required to survive. Also, when you say "This is ironic as Cloudstreet..." we can improve the language. Instead, maybe, "The irony is apparent as Cloudstreet undertakes..." Avoid "this is" and "the quote indicates" and this kind of language is good for the formality of your work as a whole.
The indicative obligation for conclusion amongst characters produces a replica that is also required for a nation according to context. Cloudstreet is a postcolonial text in which Winton utilises Australian vernacular to convey authentic experiences of working class families. Beneficially, this group of people make up the majority of his readership determining how “this marvellous post-modern novel of family life” indicates its ability to “warm the heart, as well as spark the imagination” (Kirkus Reviews) which is recognised both in Australia and overseascomma suggesting the endurance of the text through time and culture. However, it is through focusing on Australian culture, no need for comma here that implications of Aboriginal dispossession arises and context challenges the value placed upon the act of amalgamating the Aborigines with white colonisers. Evidently, Oriel’s insight offers a representation of the significance of reconciliation during her time, “This is the country and it’s confused” (231). The personification of the country with physical emotions suggests the nation's ignorance and lack of awareness towards the damage to Aboriginal Spirituality from the Stolen Generation. Although, a modern day reader is enabled via context to recognise the implicit cry for help “inside i knew it was the country. Moanin.” (231) The vernacular language emphasises the Australian accent and Lester's conclusion opens an understanding for the reader to recognise the significance of the Aboriginals Aboriginal is not a noun, but an adjective. So you need to say, "of the Aboriginal people's* spiritual connection to the land. Ultimately, the physical destruction of this connection implies for a society to continually recognise the need for reconciliation. Further, Oriel’s viewpoint “War is our natural state” (229) is antithetical towards reconciliation and how it demonstrates the consequences of permanent feelings of guilt. Although, it does not become apparent until “shaking… the worry from the paintwork, till it spills out” which is symbolic of the traumatic events that occurred prior to the Lambs and Pickles of which are embedded into the stationary ‘paintwork’ that it metaphorically takes on the movement of ‘spills’. This represents the reconciliation of the house with its past in order to offer a new future, similar to what we as a nation are working towards today with Aboriginals and White colonisation. Overall, the conclusive ending reconciles the confusion and disparity within the novel and offers an integral interpretation for the reader. Yes, you're right, this paragraph is great! The reason being, you've managed to incorporate quotes seamlessly, engage with scholars, but also look closely at the way a responder is engaged in a really unique way. I will say though, unless your teacher has requested that you write the page numbers at the end of your quotes - it won't be necessary for the HSC. There's different publications of each book that will differ the page numbers and ultimately render this useless.
It's also one less thing to have to remember! :)
The division between spiritual and physical perspective impose a challenge to one's value and beliefs. The spiritual references through the omniscient narrator Fish reveal the intentional meaning behind his divided character. Water symbolism enforces Fish’s connection as it is what offers him relief, “You’re aching while those dark angels laugh on the water without you” (178). The use of colour symbolism challenges what one views as death and opens understanding of how Fish is split between two worlds. This suggests that it is human nature to yearn for wholeness. Conversely, when Quick is knocked out by a kangaroo, he is near death and his dream provides his closest connection with Fish throughout the novel as he embodies a similar state to his brother. “You going home, Fish?” (201) The use of an open ended question, forces the reader to consider where home exactly is: Cloudstreet or heaven? This can be answered with the reconciliation experienced through the birth of Wax Harry as the families are united, “something they’ve been waiting for in their beds all year”. The anticipation suggests that is something that has been long-awaited for and the reference to ‘beds’ is linked with dreams and hence reinforces the reunion and replenishment of relationships. Holistically, it is by reuniting the spiritual and physical self that one ultimately achieves reconciliation with self and others. Really unique paragraph here! I like it.
To conclude, Winton’s portrayal of relatable human experiences emphasises the vitality in achieving reconciliation. It is through his use of cyclical structure, Australian vernacular and omniscient narration that he effectively affirms the struggles and complications that arise between two families who both contrast and compliment one another and the challenges that present the need to overcome in order to ensure a cohesive conclusion. This is one very long sentence - it needs to be sliced in half! I love everything you're saying in it, though. So hold on to the essence, just give it a trim :) This is what maintains the enduring value of the novel through context. Hence, the ironic division demonstrated in ‘Cloudstreet’ contributes to the overall unity of the text through common human experience.
So my 2nd and 3rd paragraphs have been identified as strong paragraphs, however, my intro and 1st paragraph have been flagged as needing ‘immediate attention’. I have reworked them in attempt to improve them and was wondering if you might be able to help me pinpoint what it is exactly that makes the paragraphs differ in their quality.
Also, I am concerned that my intro is waaaay too long any suggestions in making it shorter, or is it able to work being that length? And my thesis, does it make sense? I’m not sure what I was really going for with ‘adaptive conclusion’ ) part but I just couldn’t string the words together. (I guess the fact that the novel can be read over different contexts and the reader can interpret their own understanding, their not restricted to context If that makes any sense haha)
Is my use of the stimulus okay? I have always struggled to find that balance of over/under using it
Any feedback would be absolutely appreciated!!!!
Thank you so much in advanced :)
I genuinely really enjoyed reading this essay. First reason: I love Tim Winton and am itching to read Cloud Street. Second reason: I can see how genuinely keen you are to improve and that makes me really want to help you!
So, about your first paragraph: for some reason you've written in a different style to what you have in your other paragraphs. Your language is less tight, and instead lacks the sophistication that you have employed in the other paragraphs, for whatever reason! But hopefully you can see where I've suggested work is needed. I don't think your intro is waaaay too long, but as I've written above, it surely can be trimmed a little more :) But, the adaptive conclusion thing did confuse me a little, admittedly. Now you've explained it, I know what you mean. Perhaps it is best to say something more like, "The emphatic division between characters ironically unites audiences with an appreciation for the achievement of reconciliation." Obviously, you need to work with this to put your own spin on it so you can argue it throughout, but I think this kind of wording will set you in the right direction.
As for the stimulus, I think your use is fine. It is a very long stimulus, but I think you've done a good job of breaking it down into workable pieces.
Let me know if I can help any more, hopefully this puts you in the right direction! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 29, 2017, 06:46:48 pm
Any feedback would be absolutely appreciated!!!!
Thank you so much in advanced :)
Also, I was just looking in our note section and found two things that might be helpful for you. Sarah wrote her Module B essay on Cloudstreet and got a Band 6, she uploaded it here and another kind 2016 graduate uploaded their notes on the text here - both of these are free for you to download :)
Post by: Wales on May 29, 2017, 07:22:08 pm
I studied Yeats and my notes on all of his texts (except the Second Coming - lost them) are in the Notes tab for free download if you'd like to access them! I really enjoyed Yeats so if you ever see it necessary, start up a Yeats thread and I'd be happy to talk about whatever I can with you :)
Step ahead of ya :) I already read and took down your annotations and interpretations of the poems. Awesome resource Elyse~
Glad I'm not the one enjoying Yeats, his a bit abstract in his poetry but I quite enjoy it.
Cheers for the help, Wales
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 30, 2017, 04:50:45 am
Hi I was trying to respond to this practice question and was hoping to get some feedback on it?
Hey there!
Q3. Identify three visual conventions used in Text 3 and explain how they construct a representation of family for the context of this magazine.
A peaceful image like the family photo from the magazine ‘Outback: The Heart of Australia’ constructs the image of a typical caucasian Australian family, with structured yet comfortable body language, no doubt preparing for a photo to be taken in the medium camera shot. This text constructs the representation of an Australian caucasian family through the use of visual conventions that include costume, text and body language.
Everything in this image seems to construct the typical representation of a caucasian family in Australia. The family in the image, located in the centre of the magazine serves to draw the viewer’s attention to convey that the magazine’s subject is a Australian family. This text constructs this representation by drawing the viewer’s attention towards the iconic Australian clothing worn by each person in the image, the use of text and lighting in the image. The wide brimmed hat and loose button up worn by the male figure complemented by the female figure’s bright striped button up juxtaposed against the blurry background suggests the family are perhaps standing in location that is hot and humid, an idea supported by the text ‘outback: The Heart of Australia’. Would it be beneficial to talk about the size, colouring, and placement of the text? Furthermore, the way the female figure comfortably rests her chin on the male figure’s shoulder while holding their children suggests intimacy and conveys the Australian characteristic and quality that the male is quiet Is this a characteristic of Australian men? but capable and treats women with respect. The combination of these visual conventions used by the magazine constructs the representation of an Australian caucasian family.
Hopefully this gives you a nice idea! As always, sorry I'm not more familiar with the expectations of WACE tasks. Hopefully this gives you a small pointer :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 30, 2017, 05:38:23 pm
hey guys, i was just looking for some feed back on my MOD B essay. it's my first essay in a very long time (which is why it's in a scaffold) and i just need basic feedback, on continued argument throughout, making clear points and if it makes sense. but in saying that i will appreciate any extra feedback. im not quite sure if im adressing the enduring value part properly - im tryna say she talks about the human condition through her exploration of gender relationships but im not sure how well that is held through. sorry for blabbering, THANKYOU
Hey Beau! No worries, I can give you some feedback on this :)
Spoiler
A. In your view how does rossetti’s portrayal of the complex nature of gender relationships contribute to the enduring value of her poertry? – reference at least two poems
Rossetti’s enduring value is largely derived from her assessment of aspects of the human condition that contribute to perennial gender issues.
She explores these complexities as intertwined social values and inherent prejudices that affect gender relationships.
Through her depiction of these interrelationships Rossetti explores
1. Hypocrisy as an inherent human quality
2. The difference between true emotions and primal lust
3. The emotional issues that correlate with the complex nature of love
By exploring timeless issues related to the human experience, rossetti produced texts that will remain relevant for years to come. These all look like really exciting arguments to bring up! Just remember, when you put these into sentences, don't be fooled into listing them like a shopping list, but be creative with how you introduce each and give them the space to breathe :)
Throughout the texts rossetti raises the issue of how hypocritical standards in society contribute to the issues and injustices women face.
This is addressed primarily as the strict punishment women endure compared to the sins men get away with and the moral equality she endorses.
Ð Throughout goblin market, the biblical allegory is represented in a purely female world to imply that the religious values held so highly should be applied equally to men and women. Lizzie’s jesus-esk sacrifice and message, ‘eat me, drink me, love me; laura, make much of me; for your sake I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin merchant men.’ Echoes this implied equality. This is a long quote - so when it comes time to put it in a sentence, try your best to embed it! :)
Ð However in practice the many-faced, demonic goblins who ‘scratch’d… kick’d and knock’d’ lizzie, in what was by all assumptions a sexual assault appear to be subject to no form of justice. (better quote – rape one)
Ð Contrasted by laura who is seen to suffer for her sins, ‘dwindling… knocking on death’s door’ with her ‘hair grow[ing] grey and thing,’ reflecting the way women were outcast by society based on their actions.
Ð This same sentiment is echoed in light love by the lone woman’s last lines ‘does god forget?’ emphasising the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice.
Ð There is also an innate IRONY IN THAT SHE STAYS LOYAL AND ‘NE’ER [HAD] ANOTHER LOVE’ YET SHE IS PUNISHED, WHILE THE CHEATING MAN GETS TO TAKE ANOTHER BRIDE, illustrating that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation.
The beliefs which society held at the time would condemn these actions, independent of gender or role, yet the reigning hypocrisy prevents true, equal, justice being carried out. And then we need to link this to the enduring qualities: is it because this sexism exists today? is it still interesting because double standards persist? Do audiences now empathise with this? Or do audiences now enjoy the exploration of hypocrisy - because sexism or not, hypocrisy definitely exists?
Rossetti contrasts the emotional position of men and women, exploring the difference between primal lust and true emotions, and their places in relationships
She explores this as the way that men unfairly value women for purely physical and sexual qualities, rather than their defined societal roles as virtuous figures of the home and in the process ignore their true emotions.
Ð This is exemplified by the fact only ‘maids heard the goblin cry’ implying only virgin women are sought out by men. Find a technique here to strengthen this :)
Ð Shown similarly in the way the perceived currency for the fruit is the girls’ virginal purity, represented by laura’s ‘golden curl’ for which she sheds a ‘tear more rare than a pearl’. Technique here as well :)
Ð In light love the man is seen to unashamedly pursue sexuality, despite his former love interest being described as loyal, having ‘ne’er another love’, and likened to the other woman, with the exception of implied ‘ripe-blooming’ virginity.
Ð An extended metaphor for females value is depicted by the way women who have lost their purity in rossetti’s poems are compared to being dead, ‘knocking on deaths door… growing grey’ and ‘is death so sadder much than this’ to imply without their sexual purity, they are no longer valued by men.
Ð There is an inherent irony, that women are punished for being impure, when the apparent thing men desire the most is to make them impure. This irony is addressed in an artist studio by the contrast of the man’s ‘dreams’ of woman as a ‘queen’ and an ‘angel’ versus the vampiric imagery of the man ‘feed[ing] on her face’ implying that he only dreams of her as his victim.
Rossetti’s deep exploration of intrinsic human emotions, supersedes the applied contexts in which she explores it to provide a timeless insight into the human condition. Based on the points you've put forward, I don't actually see the direct conversation between primal lust and true emotions. Maybe it's just because I'm reading it in dot point form and you've yet to flesh it out, but based on the evidence I see, I feel like you're leaning towards the idea of identity and worth being defined by sexuality - that seems to be the greatest argument here. But of course, perhaps it's just because I'm reading the dot points.
Furthermore, Rossetti addresses the intricate emotional issues that women face in domestic relationships.
She breaks down the emotional conflicts that stem from the complex nature of love and it’s place and perception in society, questioning why love is treated the way that it is. When it comes to writing your essay, I'd formalise this a little bit. Just to seal the deal, I'd not be so ambiguous, and actually identify "the way it is" - what does this mean? How is it treated?
Ð In after death Rossetti is seen to contrast celebrated standards of emotion in the antithetical statements ‘he did not touch the shroud, or raise the fold that hid my face, or take my hand in his… he did not love me living,’ to represent how emotions should be shown in a relationship. She emphasises this by continuously reversing roles, showing the man as weeping in ‘in a deep silence’ and the heavy irony in the final lines ‘very sweet it is to know he is warm though I am cold,’ to criticise the way men do not share their true feelings and emotions by placing them in a, regrettable, position in which they have missed the opportunity for love that mirrors the way women aren’t given the opportunity to share theirs. Excellent piece of analysis here!
Ð Epitomised by the title, ‘light love’ reflecting the way in which men take love insincerely, leading on and taking advantage of other women, only to move on to ‘riper’ women and ‘trample [them] too’.
Ð The thematic issue of LEL, along with many of her other poems, is addressed by the repeated epigraph ‘whose heart was breaking for a little love’. This theme is further explored through the various contrasts between ‘winter’ and spring, and recurring ‘hiding’ images to represent the expectations of love and internal, lack of love.
The meaningful look into emotional complexities relating to love through intricate societal, emotional and moral relationships, helps rossetti explore deeper issues relating to the human experience.
Rossetti’s depiction of inherently human issues and their relevance to gender relationships, has facilitated the development of her greater textual meaning and integrity – producing texts that will undoubtedly remain relevant.
Her insightful representation; of the hypocritical nature of relationship standards, of key emotional states in relationships, as well as the complexities of love which women face have contributed to her developed perception of key human issues.
Thus it is clear that rossetti’s exploration of the human experience through complex gender relationships has contributed to her poetry’s enduring value.
Rossetti’s enduring value is largely derived from her assessment of aspects of the human condition that contribute to perennial gender issues.
She explores these complexities as intertwined social values and inherent prejudices that affect gender relationships.
Through her depiction of these interrelationships Rossetti explores
1. Hypocrisy as an inherent human quality
2. The difference between true emotions and primal lust
3. The emotional issues that correlate with the complex nature of love
By exploring timeless issues related to the human experience, rossetti produced texts that will remain relevant for years to come. These all look like really exciting arguments to bring up! Just remember, when you put these into sentences, don't be fooled into listing them like a shopping list, but be creative with how you introduce each and give them the space to breathe :)
Throughout the texts rossetti raises the issue of how hypocritical standards in society contribute to the issues and injustices women face.
This is addressed primarily as the strict punishment women endure compared to the sins men get away with and the moral equality she endorses.
Ð Throughout goblin market, the biblical allegory is represented in a purely female world to imply that the religious values held so highly should be applied equally to men and women. Lizzie’s jesus-esk sacrifice and message, ‘eat me, drink me, love me; laura, make much of me; for your sake I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin merchant men.’ Echoes this implied equality. This is a long quote - so when it comes time to put it in a sentence, try your best to embed it! :)
Ð However in practice the many-faced, demonic goblins who ‘scratch’d… kick’d and knock’d’ lizzie, in what was by all assumptions a sexual assault appear to be subject to no form of justice. (better quote – rape one)
Ð Contrasted by laura who is seen to suffer for her sins, ‘dwindling… knocking on death’s door’ with her ‘hair grow[ing] grey and thing,’ reflecting the way women were outcast by society based on their actions.
Ð This same sentiment is echoed in light love by the lone woman’s last lines ‘does god forget?’ emphasising the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice.
Ð There is also an innate IRONY IN THAT SHE STAYS LOYAL AND ‘NE’ER [HAD] ANOTHER LOVE’ YET SHE IS PUNISHED, WHILE THE CHEATING MAN GETS TO TAKE ANOTHER BRIDE, illustrating that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation.
The beliefs which society held at the time would condemn these actions, independent of gender or role, yet the reigning hypocrisy prevents true, equal, justice being carried out. And then we need to link this to the enduring qualities: is it because this sexism exists today? is it still interesting because double standards persist? Do audiences now empathise with this? Or do audiences now enjoy the exploration of hypocrisy - because sexism or not, hypocrisy definitely exists?
Rossetti contrasts the emotional position of men and women, exploring the difference between primal lust and true emotions, and their places in relationships
She explores this as the way that men unfairly value women for purely physical and sexual qualities, rather than their defined societal roles as virtuous figures of the home and in the process ignore their true emotions.
Ð This is exemplified by the fact only ‘maids heard the goblin cry’ implying only virgin women are sought out by men. Find a technique here to strengthen this :)
Ð Shown similarly in the way the perceived currency for the fruit is the girls’ virginal purity, represented by laura’s ‘golden curl’ for which she sheds a ‘tear more rare than a pearl’. Technique here as well :)
Ð In light love the man is seen to unashamedly pursue sexuality, despite his former love interest being described as loyal, having ‘ne’er another love’, and likened to the other woman, with the exception of implied ‘ripe-blooming’ virginity.
Ð An extended metaphor for females value is depicted by the way women who have lost their purity in rossetti’s poems are compared to being dead, ‘knocking on deaths door… growing grey’ and ‘is death so sadder much than this’ to imply without their sexual purity, they are no longer valued by men.
Ð There is an inherent irony, that women are punished for being impure, when the apparent thing men desire the most is to make them impure. This irony is addressed in an artist studio by the contrast of the man’s ‘dreams’ of woman as a ‘queen’ and an ‘angel’ versus the vampiric imagery of the man ‘feed[ing] on her face’ implying that he only dreams of her as his victim.
Rossetti’s deep exploration of intrinsic human emotions, supersedes the applied contexts in which she explores it to provide a timeless insight into the human condition. Based on the points you've put forward, I don't actually see the direct conversation between primal lust and true emotions. Maybe it's just because I'm reading it in dot point form and you've yet to flesh it out, but based on the evidence I see, I feel like you're leaning towards the idea of identity and worth being defined by sexuality - that seems to be the greatest argument here. But of course, perhaps it's just because I'm reading the dot points.
Furthermore, Rossetti addresses the intricate emotional issues that women face in domestic relationships.
She breaks down the emotional conflicts that stem from the complex nature of love and it’s place and perception in society, questioning why love is treated the way that it is. When it comes to writing your essay, I'd formalise this a little bit. Just to seal the deal, I'd not be so ambiguous, and actually identify "the way it is" - what does this mean? How is it treated?
Ð In after death Rossetti is seen to contrast celebrated standards of emotion in the antithetical statements ‘he did not touch the shroud, or raise the fold that hid my face, or take my hand in his… he did not love me living,’ to represent how emotions should be shown in a relationship. She emphasises this by continuously reversing roles, showing the man as weeping in ‘in a deep silence’ and the heavy irony in the final lines ‘very sweet it is to know he is warm though I am cold,’ to criticise the way men do not share their true feelings and emotions by placing them in a, regrettable, position in which they have missed the opportunity for love that mirrors the way women aren’t given the opportunity to share theirs. Excellent piece of analysis here!
Ð Epitomised by the title, ‘light love’ reflecting the way in which men take love insincerely, leading on and taking advantage of other women, only to move on to ‘riper’ women and ‘trample [them] too’.
Ð The thematic issue of LEL, along with many of her other poems, is addressed by the repeated epigraph ‘whose heart was breaking for a little love’. This theme is further explored through the various contrasts between ‘winter’ and spring, and recurring ‘hiding’ images to represent the expectations of love and internal, lack of love.
The meaningful look into emotional complexities relating to love through intricate societal, emotional and moral relationships, helps rossetti explore deeper issues relating to the human experience.
Rossetti’s depiction of inherently human issues and their relevance to gender relationships, has facilitated the development of her greater textual meaning and integrity – producing texts that will undoubtedly remain relevant.
Her insightful representation; of the hypocritical nature of relationship standards, of key emotional states in relationships, as well as the complexities of love which women face have contributed to her developed perception of key human issues.
Thus it is clear that rossetti’s exploration of the human experience through complex gender relationships has contributed to her poetry’s enduring value.
I haven't actually seen an essay in a scaffold be so impressive before! I think you've done an excellent job here, it was a delight to read. I think you've got everything you need to write a killer essay from this - it's just about how you'll connect the ideas now. Although, I do think that the evidence you've displayed does lean towards the idea that a woman's worth is determined by her sexuality. This is fine, this is what the text implies. BUT, we can't have this argument twice. So, when it comes to explaining the quotes, make sure you are clear in changing the "effect" to suit your argument - you have to be clever about manipulating your argument. Your last paragraph doesn't have this same problem, you have the great analysis about emotions and their portrayal in a relationship and to me that's a really strong discussion. I have no doubt you'll do really well with this essay. Think clearly about joining the dots now. You've outlined the picture, now colour it in :)
Post by: beau77bro on May 30, 2017, 08:20:12 pm
also and this is quite problematic - i am notoriously bad at writing - not in terms of legibilty but simple flow and grammar and making sense - as evident by the lack of directed argument which you so kindly pointed out (THANKYOU sooo much genuinely) and i was wondering if you thought i would do ok by transferring this scaffold straight into an essay. if not (which is probably) what are things which i should aim to fix/change to ensure a solid essay?
THANKYOU SOO MUCH
Post by: ellipse on May 31, 2017, 07:23:07 am
Hey! Sorry for the delay, but essay is attached with comments in bold!Essay With Feedback“Successful texts are engaging and always demand a response through their exploration of timeless ideas”
Evaluate the truth of this statement through a critical analysis of the language, content and construction of your prescribed text
It is not only the style, structure and language of a text but also its ability to provoke audience discourses through its enduring ideas that makes it a timeless success. Great introduction - Be sure to break your ideas up with commas to make sure the reader interprets them correctly. Virginia Woolf’s polemics A Room of One’s Own and Three Guineas were written prior to the outbreak of the Great War and was influenced by the first wave of feminist movement as well as the modernist society which was dominated by male egoism and fascism. Ditto here - I like what you are saying but I'm having to do all the grouping myself - It takes away from your sophistication. These contextual influences on her work helps portray the disenfranchisement of women and their exclusion from intellectual and creative freedom under the guise of patriarchy as well as the importance of money and financial independence on the lives of women, thereby provoking audience discourses. Not sure if "helps portray" is the right word there - You are saying its represented within, not that it has actually assisted in representing. Just seems a little off. A deeper analysis of Woolf’s sustained critique on these perpetual ideas provides the audience with a meaningful insight into her engaging texts and a heightened appreciation of its textual integrity in elucidating the relevance of its social and historical context. Good intro - The expression of ideas is the biggest weakness - Work on breaking it down more and giving more detail too!
A room of one’s explores the timeless ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality to challenge the reader’s perspective. Of what? Initially as lectures delivered at a female college in 1928, Woolf’s essays on ‘women and fiction’ questions the oppression of women under the patriarchal society and their objectification by men, as reflected when women are portrayed as “looking-glasses … reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size,” hence sarcastically and metaphorically emphasizing women’s inferiority and their lower societal class. Excellent. Taking away this ‘mirror’, the “man may die, like a drug fiend deprived of his cocaine,” in which the simile highlights and reinforces the societal expectations of women as ‘looking-glasses’ to give the male gender a sense of superiority, a crucial acquisition of their lives. Excellent style of analysis here - Good job on getting it all into a single sentence. These relevant and engaging ideas on gender inequality certainly instigates responses from the audience, as Rachel Bowlby, a professor at University College London, remarks that “men’s college dining, halfway to heaven; women’s college dining, one star.” I certainly believe this is true, as Woolf elucidates these disparities through the juxtaposition between men’s luxurious luncheon with “sprouts foliated as rosebuds but more succulent” and the women’s “plain gravy soup.” Watch the use of first person - I'm personally against it. Check your teachers preference for now and don't do it in the HSC. The contrast between the long, descriptive language and the short, dull descriptions further endorse this inequality. Be sure your paragraph is concluded definitively - Summarise the argument you have made.
The enduring ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality are further explored in Three Guineas. Through the epistolary form, Woolf maintains a sustained critique on the inferiority and disempowerment of women and the necessity for the subversion of these societal values in order to prevent war. Nice. She elucidates her pacifist views as opposed to the patriarchal and fascist society as emphasised by the fact that “ … to fight has always been the man’s habit, not the women’s,” hence reflecting the instinct of men in their obsession to fight, take charge and seek power as connoted by the ‘habit.’ Be sure your quotes always have associated techniques. Although women do not have as much option as men preventing this war due the restrictions by the societal values of fascism and patriarchy, even the minute influence of the daughter of educated men are ineffective as highlighted by the anaphora of the ‘very’ in the tricolon “very low in power, very slow in action, and very painful in use.” Watch expression - Be sure your ideas are presented clearly and logically. Hence, through an analysis of both her successful texts and an appreciation of their textual integrity, a deeper understanding on the timeless ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality is achieved as well as it’s ability to provoke responses from the audience through these ideas.A little vague - What ideas of gender inequality are presented? What responses are provoked? Need a little more depth.
Through its engagement with the audience, A Room of One’s Own skilfully explores the relevant ideas of money and the women’s need for financial independent to provoke responses from the audience. A little circular - Through engaging with the audience, it engages with the audience. Not quite a logical argument there? Prior to the Great Depression, Women were entitled to vote in the 1920s which was a great milestone. Don't use emotive terms when referring to historical/contextual influences. However, Woolf highlights that her inheritance seemed “infinitely the more important” than the ability to vote, thus hyperbolically reflecting the significance of money during her time. Not really a hyperbole, but I see where that comes from. She further endorses this idea through the simile “… like a slave” emphasizing the tough conditions and labour required to earn money prior to the inheritance from her Aunt. Good, but don't include the plot detail about the aunt - Keep the focus purely on techniques. This difficulty was like a “rust eating away the bloom of the spring, destroying the tree at its heart,” the analogy further elucidates the sheer amount of struggle and difficult women faced to obtain an income, thus highlighting the importance of money in the society. The juxtaposition between the ‘rust’ and the ‘spring’ reinforces this idea as well as emotionally engaging with the audience as Woolf mirrors the modern society as women still earn 16% lower pay an hour than men in today’s word. Be sure each paragraph has a proper conclusion.
Ideas on the significance of money and finance are perhaps further explored in Three Guineas. Don't say 'perhaps' - High modality is important, be sure of your ideas. The epistolary and rhetoric form further allows Woolf to sustain her argument and engaging with her audience as well as to endorse the significance of money in providing education. The personified allusion of the “voracious receptacle” of “Arthurs Education Fund” highlights the sacrifices women made so that men could acquire an education, thus also accentuating on the significance of money and finance on maintaining and achieving education. Good. The hyperbole “it cast a shadow over the entire landscape” also metaphorically reinforces it’s influence and power which initially grew out of the investment and energy from the women. Krystel Pujanes also complements my personal views on Woolf’s argument as reflected by her sarcastic comment “it also pays for all the other ‘essential parts’ of his education–including travel, leisure, lodging, and society.” This is certainly true as reflected by the anaphora “all the land, all the valuables” when Woolf describes the properties acquired by men through the fund. Good analysis in this paragraph - What is the impact on the audience? How do we respond? Although this is the case, I believe Woolf still highlights the difficulty of women obtaining income. As above, don't use personal references like "I believe," this is still an academic piece. Their struggle to acquire financial independence is emphasized through the repetition of “incredibly minute,” highlighting that although there has been an increase in women’s income, it is still inadequate. This is comparable to the modern-day statistics. Thus personally, Woolf’s engagement with the audience through her skilful exploration of the ideas on the importance and influential power of money certainly provokes responses, making her texts successful.
In conclusion, via an in-depth analysis of Woolf’s successful polemics A Room of One’s Own and Three Guineas, I strongly believe that her exploration of the enduring and relevant ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality as well as the importance of money strongly engages with the audience, thus instigating a response from them. A bit more beef in the conclusion - Restate how texts rely on techniques and ideas to be succesful, relate back to your text, then give this sentence as final judgement. By itself is a little short.
Good essay ellipse! Some places with really good analysis and excellent ideas, nice links to context. Watch your expression throughout (some places it was great, others you need to slow down a little, add commas, just be a bit more direct). Analysis was fantastic in sections but much weaker in others - This should be clear in the comments, you need to maintain the pattern of giving a technique with a quote then analysing what it achieves for the composer. Pick the places I said worked well and try and emulate your style in those sections :)
Besides that, the comments pretty much cover it! Let me know if I can clarify anything for you ;D
Thanks Jamon! Much appreciated
Post by: 1937jk on May 31, 2017, 08:29:12 am
Also, I was just looking in our note section and found two things that might be helpful for you. Sarah wrote her Module B essay on Cloudstreet and got a Band 6, she uploaded it here and another kind 2016 graduate uploaded their notes on the text here - both of these are free for you to download :)
Awesome thank you so much! You're feedback was super helpful thank you!!!!!!!
I did rewrite my intro and I was wondering if it was okay to ask you to have another look at it? I kind of simplified my thesis, and I thought the next sentence kind of brings out the specifics in what I was trying to explain, but now I'm worried I have steered away from the question
ORIGINAL
The emphatic division amongst characters produces a unified conclusion for readers. This is predominant through Tim Winton’s novel ‘Cloudstreet’ as the revolving tension between two families is portrayed so that they juxtapose one another yet they contribute to each others development in order to achieve a rapprochement. In particular, the house metaphorically undertakes both the struggles and success experienced by the Lambs and Pickles which effectively offers the reader an understanding of the integral reality prominent throughout the novel. Evidently, Winton’s coherent use of form and language that contributes to the revelation of challenges imposed by reconciliation for a modern Australian society that determines the continuity of the novel through time and culture. Further, the division of self is apparent through Fish as it offers the reader opportunity to appreciate the reconciliation achieved through the unification of his disparate caricature whilst also challenging spiritual perceptions. Overall, as a nation continues to reconcile today, so do the characters according to context and perspective, hence determining the overall enduring value of the novel.
REWORKED
The emphatic division amongst characters produces a unified conclusion for readers. This is predominant through Tim Winton’s novel ‘Cloudstreet’ as the revolving tension between two families is portrayed so that they juxtapose one another yet they contribute to each others development in order to achieve a rapprochement. In particular, the house metaphorically undertakes both the struggles and success experienced by the Lambs and Pickles which effectively offers the reader an understanding of the integral reality prominent throughout the novel. Evidently, Winton’s coherent use of form and language contributes to the revelation of challenges imposed by reconciliation for a modern Australian society that determines the continuity of the novel through time and culture. Further, the division of self is apparent through Fish as it offers the reader opportunity to appreciate the reconciliation achieved through the unification of his disparate caricature whilst also challenging spiritual perceptions. Overall, as our nation continues to reconcile today, so do the characters according to context and perspective, hence determining the overall enduring value of the novel.
Post by: smshs2017 on May 31, 2017, 06:43:22 pm
the questions is:
Texts which challenge conventions maintain their relevance. is this your view of the prescribed text? in your answer refer to the language, content and construction of your prescribed text.
A text can maintain its relevance by challenging its conventions. Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy Hamlet (1603) continues to be valued through its presentation of timeless ideas that are fundamental to humanity. The play highlights aspects that permeate Elizabethan English society but also resonate within our own modern context. Shakespeare subverts revenge tragedy conventions through Hamlet’s engagement with philosophical concerns through use of asides, monologues and soliloquies. The deceptiveness of surrounding characters and Hamlet’s self-disillusionment reflect the period of uncertainty and instability during the Elizabethan era. Our personal understanding of the text has been informed by our extensive readings of critiques and knowledge of the play’s contextual milieu. The play engages with contemporary audiences through its textual integrity, to empathise and relate with universal human conceptions such as corruption, revenge and the metaphysical issues of mortality as we too question the purpose of life.
Shakespeare’s exploration of a corrupt world, is central to the timelessness of Hamlet, as it mirrors the harsh economic, social and political tension that took place during the Renaissance period which also resonates with a modern world, full of chaos and terror. Shakespeare uses disease imagery, in the opening scene at Act I Scene I, to portray a cold and foul atmosphere in the setting of Elsinore when Francisco metaphorically states, ‘it is bitter cold and I am sick at heart’. This demonstrates to us the sense of hopelessness that ensues in a society as result of the corruption of power. Claudius holds responsibility for the collapse of natural order through his employment of Machiavellian tactics to attain his status in Denmark and it is his greed that affects the ‘health’ of the nation and sprouts corruption within the state as evident in the metaphor, in Act I Scene IV ‘Something is rotten in the state of Denmark’. Shakespeare biblically alludes to the Garden of Eden in ‘tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed, things rank and gross in nature’ and provides a metaphorical image of corruption spreading within the social structure and sets up Hamlet’s role as the ‘gardener’ to rid the ‘garden’ of ‘weeds’ to avenge Old Hamlet. In Act V the resolution of the play ends with the death of all pivotal characters, to symbolise the end of the diseased, corrupted period as order is restored. According to Ian Kott ‘the play is most completely revealed in times of doubt’. The political tension in Denmark, and Hamlet’s striking and conflicting conscience effectively resonates with contemporary society and we too try and make sense of life’s purpose in a world full of terror and disorder.
Shakespeare’s explores the internal conflict of an individual caused by the struggle between conflicting ideologies of Medieval feudal attitudes and Renaissance humanism thought as Shakespeare engages the responder to consider the ramifications of individual’s or societies’ exacting one’s revenge. Shakespeare employs three parallel plot lines in ‘Hamlet’, with Hamlet, Fortinbras and Laertes all vowing to avenge three father’s deaths to contrast the perils of inaction against action. Initially Hamlet’s commission to “Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder” of the king highlights the immensity of Hamlet’s filial duty. The cost of revenge is articulated through the assertion within his soliloquy “I’ll wipe away all trivial fond records… thy commandment all alone shall live within the book and volume of my brain,” enunciating that he must transform himself into a tool of revenge through purging his human emotions as Hamlet vacillates due to fear of God’s retribution . Further, through the use of extended metaphor of dehumanizing himself into a ‘book’ where memories can be wiped implies that vengeance can diminish our humanity. Unable to take decisive decisions, Hamlet is incapable of proceeding with his undertaking vengeance. As such, Hamlet attempts to legitimize his inaction through the biblical allusion “What a piece of work is a man… in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god,” elevating man’s rationality over his ability to take action, through juxtaposition of superior godlike thinking power to inferior angel-like action. As director Peter Hal states, ‘Shakespeare’s Hamlet explores the universal sense of apathy when the problems facing us are so overwhelming that we lack the will to confront them’. The internal conflict which resulted from the dichotomy between the humanism of Renaissance thinking and Medieval code of revenge are an insight which continues to resonate with contemporary audiences where we live in a time where values and beliefs are challenged by new concepts and ideas.
Hamlet poses the notion of the dichotomy of life and death, questioning the complexity of mortality and human existence, and reflecting a scepticism which subverts the protestant values that dominate Shakespeare’s context as this existential questioning gives the play its literary value. Death permeates Hamlet, right from the opening scene of the play, where the ghost of Hamlet’s father introduces the idea of death and its consequences. Through the use of soliloquies and metaphors, Hamlet contemplates suicide, wondering whether ‘to be, or not to be’. His question emphasises his tormented emotional state and reflects the pain that is universally experienced as part of life, allowing us to understand his wrestle with his conscience. Hamlet, in a state of immense depression, philosophises whether it is nobler to accept fate ‘suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,’ or to fight fate ‘take arms against a sea of troubles,’ or perhaps to fight fate by ending life ‘by opposing, end them.’ As suggested by Dover Wilson, we view Hamlet as a ‘great and noble spirit subjected to a moral shock so overwhelming it shatters all zest for life and all belief in it’. Death motifs within many of his soliloquies are ambiguous, as they are a representation of everyone’s fears and uncertainties of death and the afterlife, as evident with the juxtaposition of death being both, ‘a consummation devoutly to be wished for’ and an, ‘undiscovered country’ from where no traveller returns. Hamlet’s fatalistic outlook on life is illuminated by the symbolism of Yorick’s skull and the stage direction ‘Hamlet takes the skull’ which is a proleptic irony signifying Hamlet’s acceptance of Memento Mori – the inevitability of death for all humanity. In dramatizing the permanence of mortality, Shakespeare succeeded to create literature which resonates amongst audiences and maintain its relevance, despite the contextual barriers, as death is a fundamental human concept.
By depicting Hamlet’s intellectual and emotional struggle and transformation through the effective use of dramatic devices , Shakespeare demonstrates Hamlet’s relevance by challenging conventions and humanistic values of the Elizabethan era and its ability to resonate with contemporary audiences. Above all, it is clear that through modern responders, Hamlet’s character resounds and will live on, prolonging the play’s enduring worth.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 31, 2017, 07:15:54 pm
Hey, can someone please give me any tips or hints that could help me improve my module b essay??? and my prescribed text is shakespeare's Hamlet. Thank you!!!!
Welcome to the forums! Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up (especially around our big events like this) - Post around a bit over the weekend! Ask some questions, etc - Then you'll be eligible by the time we're back on Monday ;D
Post by: beau77bro on May 31, 2017, 08:15:07 pm
Hey all! The HSC and Careers Expo starts tomorrow - Which means all of your markers will be busy over the weekend. Some limited marking COULD get done, but don't expect anything until Monday - Sorry for the inconvenience!
oml my assessment is on monday and ive got 5 essays to plan or attempt to prepare for
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 31, 2017, 08:17:24 pm
oml my assessment is on monday and ive got 5 essays to plan or attempt to prepare for
We'll do our best to be on here as much as we can :)
Post by: beau77bro on May 31, 2017, 09:27:33 pm
We'll do our best to be on here as much as we can :)i love u guys omg
Post by: Wales on June 02, 2017, 05:50:36 pm
Hey all! The HSC and Careers Expo starts tomorrow - Which means all of your markers will be busy over the weekend. Some limited marking COULD get done, but don't expect anything until Monday - Sorry for the inconvenience!
How come? I'm assuming some of you admins will be presenting the seminars there or something?
Appreciate the work you all put in :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 02, 2017, 07:39:59 pm
How come? I'm assuming some of you admins will be presenting the seminars there or something?
Appreciate the work you all put in :)
Yep! Jake and I have been there manning our stall all day with some of the other moderators (sudodds was there today, naysirmai and bowiemily will be there over the weekend) - Jake will be presenting a seminar tomorrow!! You should definitely go if you are free ;D
Post by: Wales on June 02, 2017, 09:29:38 pm
Yep! Jake and I have been there manning our stall all day with some of the other moderators (sudodds was there today, naysirmai and bowiemily will be there over the weekend) - Jake will be presenting a seminar tomorrow!! You should definitely go if you are free ;D
I was going to go this week but school starts from 9 and ends at 3 ahah. I've got Saturday and Sunday all packed. I read that you guys will be at the Western Sydney Expo later this month, I should be able to go to that :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 02, 2017, 09:34:05 pm
I was going to go this week but school starts from 9 and ends at 3 ahah. I've got Saturday and Sunday all packed. I read that you guys will be at the Western Sydney Expo later this month, I should be able to go to that :)
Yep - I'll be there every day for that one, if you can come on Sunday come then, I'll be presenting ;D
Post by: Wales on June 02, 2017, 09:37:03 pm
Yep - I'll be there every day for that one, if you can come on Sunday come then, I'll be presenting ;D
Noted :) I'll try make time for it.
Sorry for *slightly* turning this off topic. Back to English!
Post by: ProfLayton2000 on June 03, 2017, 12:18:07 pm
In critically studying William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (1603), it is not only Hamlet’s position as a student of justice which prevents him from being an effective instrument of it, the play constructs much deeper and more complex reasons behind Hamlet’s inaction. Hamlet’s deep connection with the Renaissance humanist psyche gives him opportunities to contemplate actions before acting. The frustration developed in an endless dichotomy of verisimilitude and reality further prevents from serving justice. It is only once these reasons are dispelled Hamlet chooses take revenge and enact justice. Regardless of temporal context, Shakespeare preserves the textual integrity of Hamlet through his representation of these themes in Hamlet.
Hamlet’s inaction of justice is explained by his Renaissance Humanist psyche, leading him to engage in thought against acting upon instinct, leading to a justified delay of justice. Shakespeare’s choice in characterisation of Hamlet parallels the changing ideology in the transitional period from an Elizabeth to Jacobean era, as well as the overhaul in societal beliefs. Hamlet’s engagement with his humanist values is seen in his evaluation of man through rhetorical questions, “What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in capabilities”, a reflection upon himself but also the value of human life”. His engagement with the Renaissance ways of thinking are presented by his choice of expressing emotions; in long soliloquys such as the well-known “To be or not to be” or “Alas poor Yorick” speeches. These values lead him to choose contemplation over action, the most notable example of this intrinsic behaviour is at Claudius’ most vulnerable moment, questioning if “Now might I do it pat, now he is a-praying…when he is fit and seasoned for his passage?...No.” His self-reflection at a critical turning point in the play highlights Hamlet’s strong Renaissance methods of acting, considering the consequences of an action before acting. His scholarly nature is not only shown in his background as a university student, but also in his straining efforts to gain proof of the murder. The “The Mousetrap” play, as noted by Dir. David Berthold, “(the metatheatricality) is at the defining feature of the play”. Shakespeare’s decision to include this into Hamlet, as observed when comparing the play to the source material “Amleth”, was one with purpose, with the intention of showing Hamlet’s will to consolidate his theory with proof before taking drastic action and reinforces his Renaissance values. It is these values which a largely to reason for Hamlet’s delay of enforcing justice throughout the play.
Hamlet’s obsession in discerning appearances and reality creates an internal angst, further preventing the course of justice. The persistence of facades in the play reflect the normality of espionage in the Elizabethan court; spies ruthless in observing society for possible assassination plans on the Queen by the supporters of Queen Mary of Scots. His frustration with facades is known to the audience before the Ghost’s revelation, critiquing Gertrude for her use of the word “seems”; “Seems madam? Nay it is, I know not seems.” His fixation on the word reflects his hatred for facades, further indicated by his dark costuming and therefore lack of an appearance. This however is in no comparison to his strong catharsis upon learning of the murder, labelling Claudius a “villain, villain, smiling damned villain…that one may smile, and smile, and be a villain”. His anger at false-appearances stems from an inability to even understand how they can come about, in a later soliloquy questioning how “Is it not monstrous that this player here but in a fiction…could force his soul to his own conceit”, conclusively showing not only Hamlet’s anger at the existence of false-seeming appearances, but proving his inability to comprehend their existence; it is this which leads to his frustration in discerning appearance against reality. Hamlet cannot even begin to accept untruths in trivial matters, correcting Osric’s statement that “it is very hot”, replying “No believe me, ‘tis very cold”. This endless pursuit in attempting to distinguish the seeming-true from the truth, let alone the inability to comprehend the concept, creates a vexation within Hamlet and further delays any course of justice, and as Prof. Ronan McDonald explains, he is “trying out that unreliability of seems”.
It is only once Hamlet quells his morale and frustration with false realities that he is able to take revenge and enact justice, albeit a delayed reaction. This is in contrast to Laertes, who acts rashly upon emotions to seek vengeance. Shakespeare’s examination of revenge is reminiscent of the Medieval Code of Revenge, as the dilution of such beliefs in the Renaissance period favoured thinking as opposed to the rash actions associated with revenge. This notion is presented through the juxtaposition in the vengeances of Laertes and Hamlet. Laertes, upon learning of his father’s death, releases a violent catharsis at Claudius, telling “To hell allegiance…Let come what comes, only I’ll be revenged most thoroughly for my father”. This is stark contrast to Hamlet’s actions upon learning of the murder, choosing to contemplate actions before acting as he does throughout the play. For Hamlet it is only once Laertes, at the climax of the play in both their final moments, tells him that “Thy mother’s poisoned…the king, the king’s to blame”, Hamlet is able to dispel his Renaissance humanist values and his frustration with verisimilitudes that he able to enact justice, fatally wounding Claudius twice.
In conclusion, Shakespeare does not reason Hamlet’s ineffectiveness of justice due to a strong bond to justice, but proposes that Hamlet’s delayed action arises from a deep belief in Renaissance and Humanist values, as well as a frustration in being unable to discern appearance from reality. Ergo, it is only once Hamlet can quench these values he is able to enact revenge and thus bring justice upon Denmark. This line of reasoning remains understandable and relevant even now due to Shakespeare’s ability present these themes in relation to a human experience, strengthening the textual integrity of Hamlet.
Post by: beau77bro on June 03, 2017, 05:02:18 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 03, 2017, 05:32:03 pm
please help me omg, this is my like final hope essay i need to make sure it's good because im making it the basis for my other questions (partially). i have spent the most effort and time and i need to make sure the essay flows and actually answers the question (im guessing/am 70% that this is the question as well so i desperately need this done by monday)
Hey beau! So your Essay A Scaffold was first on the marking list, but there's no way that this one will get done by Monday if I do that one. So, I'm going to ignore the Essay A scaffold and just do this one in its place, and hopefully that's a little more helpful to you! I'm happy to provide feedback on that earlier scaffold at a later date ;D
With the scaffold, I just ended up doing the comments in the Word document (which is attached). A good response with great concepts, but too character/plot focused, you need way more techniques and less retelling the plot!! Have a read of my comments and let me know if you had any questions ;D
Post by: beau77bro on June 03, 2017, 09:12:38 pm
ive gone through and majorly refined (or at least tried to) alot of the points you made, of course its not that great and i only picked up on some of the points you made later on. but is this better - i still need to add a conclusion and linking sentences? and is this an accurate guide on how to fix/generally write a critical essay:
- dont retell (the markers already know) - analyse techniques and explain the meaning behind this techniques, evaluating and expanding upon WHY the composer used this to convey ideas
- use techniques a lot because that's how the composer develops ideas and characters which in turn contributes to the textual integrity and the human aspects that are important to the enduring value of the texts
- say what the composer shows through the characters not in them
- be explicit in what your saying ideas wise, but focus on broader ideas and themes
- relate back to humans, that always why we care about texts, coz it reflects aspects about humanity and the human experience
- say what the composer is tryna make people, society and the audience feel
- use techniques a lot because that's how the composer develops ideas and characters which in turn contributes to the textual integrity and the human aspects that are important to the enduring value of the texts
- say what the composer shows through the characters not in them
- be explicit in what your saying ideas wise, but focus on broader ideas and themes
- relate back to humans, that always why we care about texts, coz it reflects aspects about humanity and the human experience
- say what the composer is tryna make people, society and the audience feel
btw first time using all the reply stuff so yea sorry if i went overboard
Anything I missed?
Mod Edit: Posts merged, try not to more than once in a row, use the Modify function :)
Post by: chloeannbarwick on June 04, 2017, 02:18:02 pm
To what extent have the two texts you have studied in this module enhanced your understanding of what it means to be human?
However, it could be completely different as we do not know the exact question. I've missed six lessons due to an art and religion excursion. I have minimal notes and have basically turned to the internet and my own interpretations of Donne's poetry to write it eeek! Only just got back yesterday and the exam is tomorrow so I've done the best I can. Just hoping for some quick feedback to see if I can make it any better!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 04, 2017, 10:20:26 pm
Awesome thank you so much! You're feedback was super helpful thank you!!!!!!!
I did rewrite my intro and I was wondering if it was okay to ask you to have another look at it? I kind of simplified my thesis, and I thought the next sentence kind of brings out the specifics in what I was trying to explain, but now I'm worried I have steered away from the question
Hey!! Not sure if this is still helpful, but I had a read of both your Thesis paragraphs! A few comments:
- I still think what you are trying to communicate in the opening sentence is a little unclear, but, I think your amplification is definitely stronger in the second version.
- The sentence where you talk about "the house metaphorically" is getting into the techniques used by Winton to communicate the idea - This is best saved for the body paragraphs.
- I think reconciliation needs to appear way earlier than right near the end there, to indicate a direct answer to the question. You bring it in when discussing the characters early on, but I think a broader statement on reconciliation would be beneficial.
Overall, I think the Thesis is still just a little bit vague - Definitely an improvement in your second version though!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 04, 2017, 10:33:19 pm
Here is an essay I've written for module C on the Poetry of John Donne and W;t by Margaret Edson. My practice question is:
To what extent have the two texts you have studied in this module enhanced your understanding of what it means to be human?
However, it could be completely different as we do not know the exact question. I've missed six lessons due to an art and religion excursion. I have minimal notes and have basically turned to the internet and my own interpretations of Donne's poetry to write it eeek! Only just got back yesterday and the exam is tomorrow so I've done the best I can. Just hoping for some quick feedback to see if I can make it any better!
Hey Chloe! I know it's late, and you haven't quite met feedback requirements for this essay (you need 60 posts), but some super quick feedback because I know your task is tomorrow:
- Avoid use of personal pronouns (EG - don't say "my understanding")
- Ensure all of the quotes you provide have a technique linked to them - A textual reference without a quote is nowhere near as powerful/effective as it could be!
- Avoid retelling the plot and describing character emotions - Focus on analysis. You shouldn't be using character names excessively, that's a giveaway the approach isn't quite right.
- Love your concepts, I think those will do well and answer the question nicely
Sorry we couldn't give you more, just unlucky you caught us on a busy weekend - Good luck! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 04, 2017, 10:52:29 pm
JAMON THANKYOU AND YES OMG ESSAY C U R THE BEST
ive gone through and majorly refined (or at least tried to) alot of the points you made, of course its not that great and i only picked up on some of the points you made later on. but is this better - i still need to add a conclusion and linking sentences? and is this an accurate guide on how to fix/generally write a critical essay:
Sorry I didn't get time to give proper feedback for your refined essay beau, but it looks good! And your understanding of writing the essay seems rock solid to me, good work - I bet you'll smash the task tomorrow :)
Post by: chloeannbarwick on June 05, 2017, 03:11:40 pm
Hey Chloe! I know it's late, and you haven't quite met feedback requirements for this essay (you need 60 posts), but some super quick feedback because I know your task is tomorrow:
- Avoid use of personal pronouns (EG - don't say "my understanding")
- Ensure all of the quotes you provide have a technique linked to them - A textual reference without a quote is nowhere near as powerful/effective as it could be!
- Avoid retelling the plot and describing character emotions - Focus on analysis. You shouldn't be using character names excessively, that's a giveaway the approach isn't quite right.
- Love your concepts, I think those will do well and answer the question nicely
Sorry we couldn't give you more, just unlucky you caught us on a busy weekend - Good luck! :)
Thanks for the quick feedback Jamon! And sorry I hadn't reached the right amount of points! I have so much trouble keeping up with where I need to be! But once again, thanks!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 05, 2017, 03:23:02 pm
Thanks for the quick feedback Jamon! And sorry I hadn't reached the right amount of points! I have so much trouble keeping up with where I need to be! But once again, thanks!
That's okay, you know now, and always feel free to ask! ;D hope the task went well :)
Post by: Wales on June 05, 2017, 04:03:14 pm
That's okay, you know now, and always feel free to ask! ;D hope the task went well :)
A bit off topic but is there some way we're able to check how many essays we're allowed? It seems like a massive pain to keep track and change somebody EACH time an essay is marked. I recall you said you had a database?
Just curious :P
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 05, 2017, 05:33:02 pm
A bit off topic but is there some way we're able to check how many essays we're allowed? It seems like a massive pain to keep track and change somebody EACH time an essay is marked. I recall you said you had a database?
Just curious :P
So the markers have a spreadsheet that we update, we track how many posts you have versus how many you need. Over the holidays I plan to automate it into a little program that fetches your posts automatically, but I said that last holidays too ;)
You currently need 75 posts for your next one Wales ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 05, 2017, 06:03:32 pm
Hello, this is my Mod B response to the question
Hey ProfLayton2000!! Sorry for the delay, but I've attached your response with comments in bold!! Just click the spoiler below ;D
Spoiler
Hamlet is too much the student of justice to be an effective instrument of justice. Is this the impression you gain from the play? Examine the above statement by making close reference to Shakespeare’s Hamlet.
In critically studying William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (1603), it is not only Hamlet’s position as a student of justice which prevents him from being an effective instrument of it, the play constructs much deeper and more complex reasons behind Hamlet’s inaction. I'd prefer you to start with a broader statement about these complex reasons, and then progress into how this relates to Hamlet being an instrument of justice. Hamlet’s deep connection with the Renaissance humanist psyche gives him opportunities to contemplate actions before acting. The frustration developed in an endless dichotomy of verisimilitude and reality further prevents from serving justice. Little expression issue there? It is only once these reasons are dispelled Hamlet chooses take revenge and enact justice. Regardless of temporal context, Shakespeare preserves the textual integrity of Hamlet through his representation of these themes in Hamlet. This introduction is just a tad too focused on the character of Hamlet, rather than how Shakespeare manipulates the character. It is a subtle difference, but it is vital, because this feels just a little bit like retell right now.
Hamlet’s inaction of justice is explained by his Renaissance Humanist psyche, leading him to engage in thought against acting upon instinct, leading to a justified delay of justice. Again, slightly too "This is a description of the character." The idea is great, but it's not quite presented in the mot sophisticated way. Shakespeare’s choice in characterisation of Hamlet parallels the changing ideology in the transitional period from an Elizabeth to Jacobean era, as well as the overhaul in societal beliefs. Great contextual link - What beliefs were overhauled specifically? Hamlet’s engagement with his humanist values is seen in his evaluation of man through rhetorical questions, “What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in capabilities”, a reflection upon himself but also the value of human life”. His engagement with the Renaissance ways of thinking are presented by his choice of expressing emotions; in long soliloquys such as the well-known “To be or not to be” or “Alas poor Yorick” speeches. Careful - ALL techniques must be attributed to Shakespeare. Hamlet is nothing more than a puppet achieving what Shakespeare wants him to achieve. These values lead him to choose contemplation over action, the most notable example of this intrinsic behaviour is at Claudius’ most vulnerable moment, questioning if “Now might I do it pat, now he is a-praying…when he is fit and seasoned for his passage?...No.” Retelling the plot here. His self-reflection at a critical turning point in the play highlights Hamlet’s strong Renaissance methods of acting, considering the consequences of an action before acting. His scholarly nature is not only shown in his background as a university student, but also in his straining efforts to gain proof of the murder. The “The Mousetrap” play, as noted by Dir. David Berthold, “(the metatheatricality) is at the defining feature of the play”. Nice use of critic. Shakespeare’s decision to include this into Hamlet, as observed when comparing the play to the source material “Amleth”, was one with purpose, with the intention of showing Hamlet’s will to consolidate his theory with proof before taking drastic action and reinforces his Renaissance values. It is these values which a largely to reason for Hamlet’s delay of enforcing justice throughout the play. Fantastic concepts in this paragraph, but the analytical style isn't quite right and means this comes across more like a retell than a breakdown of Shakespeare's intentions in terms of justice.
Hamlet’s obsession in discerning appearances and reality creates an internal angst, further preventing the course of justice. The persistence of facades in the play reflect the normality of espionage in the Elizabethan court; spies ruthless in observing society for possible assassination plans on the Queen by the supporters of Queen Mary of Scots. Great contextual link, how would this be viewed by the audience of the time? His frustration with facades is known to the audience before the Ghost’s revelation, critiquing Gertrude for her use of the word “seems”; “Seems madam? Nay it is, I know not seems.” Retell. His fixation on the word reflects his hatred for facades, further indicated by his dark costuming and therefore lack of an appearance. What does this show the audience? Remember to always reflect broadly, we don't care a HEAP about the characters and what we learn about them, we care about themes more generally (this is especially true for characters besides Hamlet). This however is in no comparison to his strong catharsis upon learning of the murder, labelling Claudius a “villain, villain, smiling damned villain…that one may smile, and smile, and be a villain”. His anger at false-appearances stems from an inability to even understand how they can come about, in a later soliloquy questioning how “Is it not monstrous that this player here but in a fiction…could force his soul to his own conceit”, conclusively showing not only Hamlet’s anger at the existence of false-seeming appearances, but proving his inability to comprehend their existence; it is this which leads to his frustration in discerning appearance against reality. VERY long sentence, be sure your ideas are divided into manageable chunks for the reader. Hamlet cannot even begin to accept untruths in trivial matters, correcting Osric’s statement that “it is very hot”, replying “No believe me, ‘tis very cold”. Retell. This endless pursuit in attempting to distinguish the seeming-true from the truth, let alone the inability to comprehend the concept, creates a vexation within Hamlet and further delays any course of justice, and as Prof. Ronan McDonald explains, he is “trying out that unreliability of seems”. Again, I believe you have fantastic ideas, but you aren't quite exploring them in the most sophisticated way. You need to be looking at Shakespeare's choices, techniques used and their effect on the audience, not so much just exploring Hamlet's actions as a reflection on the character.
It is only once Hamlet quells his morale and frustration with false realities that he is able to take revenge and enact justice, albeit a delayed reaction. Retell. This is in contrast to Laertes, who acts rashly upon emotions to seek vengeance. Retell. Shakespeare’s examination of revenge is reminiscent of the Medieval Code of Revenge, as the dilution of such beliefs in the Renaissance period favoured thinking as opposed to the rash actions associated with revenge. This notion is presented through the juxtaposition in the vengeances of Laertes and Hamlet. Laertes, upon learning of his father’s death, releases a violent catharsis at Claudius, telling “To hell allegiance…Let come what comes, only I’ll be revenged most thoroughly for my father”. Retell - See how you are just retelling what happened in the play here? This is stark contrast to Hamlet’s actions upon learning of the murder, choosing to contemplate actions before acting as he does throughout the play. For Hamlet it is only once Laertes, at the climax of the play in both their final moments, tells him that “Thy mother’s poisoned…the king, the king’s to blame”, Hamlet is able to dispel his Renaissance humanist values and his frustration with verisimilitudes that he able to enact justice, fatally wounding Claudius twice. Be sure every paragraph is properly concluded.
In conclusion, Shakespeare does not reason Hamlet’s ineffectiveness of justice due to a strong bond to justice, but proposes that Hamlet’s delayed action arises from a deep belief in Renaissance and Humanist values, as well as a frustration in being unable to discern appearance from reality. Ergo, it is only once Hamlet can quench these values he is able to enact revenge and thus bring justice upon Denmark. This line of reasoning remains understandable and relevant even now due to Shakespeare’s ability present these themes in relation to a human experience, strengthening the textual integrity of Hamlet.
In critically studying William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (1603), it is not only Hamlet’s position as a student of justice which prevents him from being an effective instrument of it, the play constructs much deeper and more complex reasons behind Hamlet’s inaction. I'd prefer you to start with a broader statement about these complex reasons, and then progress into how this relates to Hamlet being an instrument of justice. Hamlet’s deep connection with the Renaissance humanist psyche gives him opportunities to contemplate actions before acting. The frustration developed in an endless dichotomy of verisimilitude and reality further prevents from serving justice. Little expression issue there? It is only once these reasons are dispelled Hamlet chooses take revenge and enact justice. Regardless of temporal context, Shakespeare preserves the textual integrity of Hamlet through his representation of these themes in Hamlet. This introduction is just a tad too focused on the character of Hamlet, rather than how Shakespeare manipulates the character. It is a subtle difference, but it is vital, because this feels just a little bit like retell right now.
Hamlet’s inaction of justice is explained by his Renaissance Humanist psyche, leading him to engage in thought against acting upon instinct, leading to a justified delay of justice. Again, slightly too "This is a description of the character." The idea is great, but it's not quite presented in the mot sophisticated way. Shakespeare’s choice in characterisation of Hamlet parallels the changing ideology in the transitional period from an Elizabeth to Jacobean era, as well as the overhaul in societal beliefs. Great contextual link - What beliefs were overhauled specifically? Hamlet’s engagement with his humanist values is seen in his evaluation of man through rhetorical questions, “What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in capabilities”, a reflection upon himself but also the value of human life”. His engagement with the Renaissance ways of thinking are presented by his choice of expressing emotions; in long soliloquys such as the well-known “To be or not to be” or “Alas poor Yorick” speeches. Careful - ALL techniques must be attributed to Shakespeare. Hamlet is nothing more than a puppet achieving what Shakespeare wants him to achieve. These values lead him to choose contemplation over action, the most notable example of this intrinsic behaviour is at Claudius’ most vulnerable moment, questioning if “Now might I do it pat, now he is a-praying…when he is fit and seasoned for his passage?...No.” Retelling the plot here. His self-reflection at a critical turning point in the play highlights Hamlet’s strong Renaissance methods of acting, considering the consequences of an action before acting. His scholarly nature is not only shown in his background as a university student, but also in his straining efforts to gain proof of the murder. The “The Mousetrap” play, as noted by Dir. David Berthold, “(the metatheatricality) is at the defining feature of the play”. Nice use of critic. Shakespeare’s decision to include this into Hamlet, as observed when comparing the play to the source material “Amleth”, was one with purpose, with the intention of showing Hamlet’s will to consolidate his theory with proof before taking drastic action and reinforces his Renaissance values. It is these values which a largely to reason for Hamlet’s delay of enforcing justice throughout the play. Fantastic concepts in this paragraph, but the analytical style isn't quite right and means this comes across more like a retell than a breakdown of Shakespeare's intentions in terms of justice.
Hamlet’s obsession in discerning appearances and reality creates an internal angst, further preventing the course of justice. The persistence of facades in the play reflect the normality of espionage in the Elizabethan court; spies ruthless in observing society for possible assassination plans on the Queen by the supporters of Queen Mary of Scots. Great contextual link, how would this be viewed by the audience of the time? His frustration with facades is known to the audience before the Ghost’s revelation, critiquing Gertrude for her use of the word “seems”; “Seems madam? Nay it is, I know not seems.” Retell. His fixation on the word reflects his hatred for facades, further indicated by his dark costuming and therefore lack of an appearance. What does this show the audience? Remember to always reflect broadly, we don't care a HEAP about the characters and what we learn about them, we care about themes more generally (this is especially true for characters besides Hamlet). This however is in no comparison to his strong catharsis upon learning of the murder, labelling Claudius a “villain, villain, smiling damned villain…that one may smile, and smile, and be a villain”. His anger at false-appearances stems from an inability to even understand how they can come about, in a later soliloquy questioning how “Is it not monstrous that this player here but in a fiction…could force his soul to his own conceit”, conclusively showing not only Hamlet’s anger at the existence of false-seeming appearances, but proving his inability to comprehend their existence; it is this which leads to his frustration in discerning appearance against reality. VERY long sentence, be sure your ideas are divided into manageable chunks for the reader. Hamlet cannot even begin to accept untruths in trivial matters, correcting Osric’s statement that “it is very hot”, replying “No believe me, ‘tis very cold”. Retell. This endless pursuit in attempting to distinguish the seeming-true from the truth, let alone the inability to comprehend the concept, creates a vexation within Hamlet and further delays any course of justice, and as Prof. Ronan McDonald explains, he is “trying out that unreliability of seems”. Again, I believe you have fantastic ideas, but you aren't quite exploring them in the most sophisticated way. You need to be looking at Shakespeare's choices, techniques used and their effect on the audience, not so much just exploring Hamlet's actions as a reflection on the character.
It is only once Hamlet quells his morale and frustration with false realities that he is able to take revenge and enact justice, albeit a delayed reaction. Retell. This is in contrast to Laertes, who acts rashly upon emotions to seek vengeance. Retell. Shakespeare’s examination of revenge is reminiscent of the Medieval Code of Revenge, as the dilution of such beliefs in the Renaissance period favoured thinking as opposed to the rash actions associated with revenge. This notion is presented through the juxtaposition in the vengeances of Laertes and Hamlet. Laertes, upon learning of his father’s death, releases a violent catharsis at Claudius, telling “To hell allegiance…Let come what comes, only I’ll be revenged most thoroughly for my father”. Retell - See how you are just retelling what happened in the play here? This is stark contrast to Hamlet’s actions upon learning of the murder, choosing to contemplate actions before acting as he does throughout the play. For Hamlet it is only once Laertes, at the climax of the play in both their final moments, tells him that “Thy mother’s poisoned…the king, the king’s to blame”, Hamlet is able to dispel his Renaissance humanist values and his frustration with verisimilitudes that he able to enact justice, fatally wounding Claudius twice. Be sure every paragraph is properly concluded.
In conclusion, Shakespeare does not reason Hamlet’s ineffectiveness of justice due to a strong bond to justice, but proposes that Hamlet’s delayed action arises from a deep belief in Renaissance and Humanist values, as well as a frustration in being unable to discern appearance from reality. Ergo, it is only once Hamlet can quench these values he is able to enact revenge and thus bring justice upon Denmark. This line of reasoning remains understandable and relevant even now due to Shakespeare’s ability present these themes in relation to a human experience, strengthening the textual integrity of Hamlet.
I think my comments throughout pretty much cover my feedback - You have fantastic ideas, but the approach is a little wrong! You are in a pattern of retell - Here is what Hamlet did, and this is what it shows us about Hamlet. This works, but it isn't the sophisticated approach and often just goes back to telling me about what happened in Hamlet. It isn't analytical. Instead, try to examine Shakespeare's use of technique, how this represents Hamlet to the audience, and the effect this has on us. The question is a character focused question, but you still need to approach it analytically ;D
Let me know if any of the comments are unclear! Happy to give a bit more explanation :)
Post by: pikachu975 on June 05, 2017, 08:23:36 pm
Spoiler
“The political is inevitably an expression of the individual.”
Explore the tensions between the political and the personal as represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The political motivations represented by composers within a text embody their own expression, values, and contextual influences. Such is emphasised through Aldous Huxley’s 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, as he forebodes the consequences of the avarice of political leaders and their totalitarian control over an obsequious society. In comparison, Takuya Okada’s animated short film, CHILDREN, depicts the dehumanisation of students due to the enforced uniformity and stability due to the education system’s academic expectations. Ultimately, both composers represent the tension between personal and political through a meticulous construction of dystopias with dehumanised individuals due to control enforced by different political structures.
The abolishment of any emotion and individuality in a society through abuse of biological technology ultimately leads to the dehumanisation of individuals. This is foregrounded by Huxley’s dystopic representation of a society influenced by industrialisation in the 1900s, resulting in the abuse of genetic engineering to remove individuality and hence a removal of one’s humanity. The scientific jargon associated with the “Bokanovsky process” and “Podsnap’s technique” reveals the reliance on scientific knowledge in producing “millions of identical twins” (Ch 1). Furthermore, the process being used to produce “Ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines” (Ch 1) exemplifies the loss of humanity of society due to the uniformity and control exerted by the world controllers. This illustrates the tension between Huxley’s negative perspective of genetic engineering against the world controllers’ use of it for “Community, Identity, Stability” (Ch 1). In addition, Huxley predicted “the inevitable acceleration of American world domination” in response to industrialisation in the 1920s. This tension between America’s political agenda of rapid industrialisation and Huxley’s foreboding of the consequences of this, are represented by the uniformity in the dystopian World State and its subsequent removal of human experiences and emotion from an individual. The dehumanisation of an individual is reinforced by animalistic imagery, “those human maggots swarming round Linda’s bed of death” (Ch 16), allowing Huxley to belittle society’s status as humans to ‘maggots’ as they lack emotion as a result of conditioning of values and perspectives.
Comparatively, Takuya Okada’s monotonous short film, CHILDREN, portrays the uniformity and lack of emotion reinforced by the education system and its harsh effects in stripping away human experiences of individuals. The animated short uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and tone as well as monotonous, sorrowful music. This, combined with the identical look of the students distinguished by numbers, represents the uniformity enforced on society due to the education system and thus, Okada criticises and debases the 21st century education system. Okada highlights the uniformity imposed on students through the zippers locking students’ mouths and the unnatural clapping of the teachers, exemplifies the suppression of emotion from both teachers and students. Near the end of the short film, the dog and boy 4483 are hit by a train when running towards each other, whereby the train acts as a metaphor for society stopping the student’s attempt to express his emotion and gain his humanity back. The student appears dead initially until he laughs, which reveals the lack of human experiences of the student due to the uncertainty of how to act as well as being the first expression of emotion in the animation. Thus, an exploration of the tension between Okada’s representation of the modern education system and the reality of the system foregrounds that the uniformity instilled leads to a dehumanisation of students in society.
Composers present the use of power in removing religious influence by replacing it with scientific knowledge and industrialisation, illuminating the tension between secular and religious perspectives. Such is true as Huxley parodies the Christian religion through the replacement with the deity as Ford, illustrating the importance of the assembly line and manufacturing. The allusion of “Oh, Ford” (Ch 2) instead of God and the date being “A.F. 632” (Ch 1) rather than A.D, eliminates religious conflict and enforces stability through the addition of a man who existed rather than the mystery of a belief system. Furthermore, during the solidarity service, they “made the sign of the T” and satirically replaced the body and blood with “soma tablets” and a “cup of strawberry ice-cream soma” (Ch 5), illustrating the conflicting secular and religious perspectives in Brave New World and the importance of soma in society. In addition, the idea of Christian marriage - “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6) is subverted by Mustapha Mond, “what man has joined, nature is powerless to put asunder” (Ch 2). This, intertwined with Huxley’s other parodical subversions, reinforce the diminishing of religion in order to enforce stability and suggest the importance of manufacturing.
However, Okada presents a caricature of the modern era, and the hope of individuals to break free from uniformity instilled by the schools through the vehicle of the dog. The establishing shot with monochromatic colour and identical buildings portrays the forced constancy in a society controlled by education standards. The lack of colour in the far shot also reveals a loss of individuality as all the colours are the same tone. In addition, the sight of a dog by the student ‘4483’ acts as a vehicle of hope for individuals to escape a political system as the solid black colours contrasted with the distorted colour of individuals and society reveals that individuality is possible. This notion of hope is furthered by the breaking of the zipper and non-diegetic sound of glass breaking, illustrating the initial freedom gained by 4483 while the shattering of glass represents the collapse of the education system. Near the end, the dog and 4483 run towards each other but after being hit, the dog runs away. The attempt to form a relationship symbolises the student’s chasing of his hope to gain individuality while the dog running away illuminates the continuation of his ideals and the hope 4483 propagated through all of the students that uniformity can be escaped from. Thus, the dog is used as a vehicle for Okada to perpetuate hope that is present despite the loss of individuality instilled in students due to the education system.
Explore the tensions between the political and the personal as represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The political motivations represented by composers within a text embody their own expression, values, and contextual influences. Such is emphasised through Aldous Huxley’s 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, as he forebodes the consequences of the avarice of political leaders and their totalitarian control over an obsequious society. In comparison, Takuya Okada’s animated short film, CHILDREN, depicts the dehumanisation of students due to the enforced uniformity and stability due to the education system’s academic expectations. Ultimately, both composers represent the tension between personal and political through a meticulous construction of dystopias with dehumanised individuals due to control enforced by different political structures.
The abolishment of any emotion and individuality in a society through abuse of biological technology ultimately leads to the dehumanisation of individuals. This is foregrounded by Huxley’s dystopic representation of a society influenced by industrialisation in the 1900s, resulting in the abuse of genetic engineering to remove individuality and hence a removal of one’s humanity. The scientific jargon associated with the “Bokanovsky process” and “Podsnap’s technique” reveals the reliance on scientific knowledge in producing “millions of identical twins” (Ch 1). Furthermore, the process being used to produce “Ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines” (Ch 1) exemplifies the loss of humanity of society due to the uniformity and control exerted by the world controllers. This illustrates the tension between Huxley’s negative perspective of genetic engineering against the world controllers’ use of it for “Community, Identity, Stability” (Ch 1). In addition, Huxley predicted “the inevitable acceleration of American world domination” in response to industrialisation in the 1920s. This tension between America’s political agenda of rapid industrialisation and Huxley’s foreboding of the consequences of this, are represented by the uniformity in the dystopian World State and its subsequent removal of human experiences and emotion from an individual. The dehumanisation of an individual is reinforced by animalistic imagery, “those human maggots swarming round Linda’s bed of death” (Ch 16), allowing Huxley to belittle society’s status as humans to ‘maggots’ as they lack emotion as a result of conditioning of values and perspectives.
Comparatively, Takuya Okada’s monotonous short film, CHILDREN, portrays the uniformity and lack of emotion reinforced by the education system and its harsh effects in stripping away human experiences of individuals. The animated short uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and tone as well as monotonous, sorrowful music. This, combined with the identical look of the students distinguished by numbers, represents the uniformity enforced on society due to the education system and thus, Okada criticises and debases the 21st century education system. Okada highlights the uniformity imposed on students through the zippers locking students’ mouths and the unnatural clapping of the teachers, exemplifies the suppression of emotion from both teachers and students. Near the end of the short film, the dog and boy 4483 are hit by a train when running towards each other, whereby the train acts as a metaphor for society stopping the student’s attempt to express his emotion and gain his humanity back. The student appears dead initially until he laughs, which reveals the lack of human experiences of the student due to the uncertainty of how to act as well as being the first expression of emotion in the animation. Thus, an exploration of the tension between Okada’s representation of the modern education system and the reality of the system foregrounds that the uniformity instilled leads to a dehumanisation of students in society.
Composers present the use of power in removing religious influence by replacing it with scientific knowledge and industrialisation, illuminating the tension between secular and religious perspectives. Such is true as Huxley parodies the Christian religion through the replacement with the deity as Ford, illustrating the importance of the assembly line and manufacturing. The allusion of “Oh, Ford” (Ch 2) instead of God and the date being “A.F. 632” (Ch 1) rather than A.D, eliminates religious conflict and enforces stability through the addition of a man who existed rather than the mystery of a belief system. Furthermore, during the solidarity service, they “made the sign of the T” and satirically replaced the body and blood with “soma tablets” and a “cup of strawberry ice-cream soma” (Ch 5), illustrating the conflicting secular and religious perspectives in Brave New World and the importance of soma in society. In addition, the idea of Christian marriage - “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6) is subverted by Mustapha Mond, “what man has joined, nature is powerless to put asunder” (Ch 2). This, intertwined with Huxley’s other parodical subversions, reinforce the diminishing of religion in order to enforce stability and suggest the importance of manufacturing.
However, Okada presents a caricature of the modern era, and the hope of individuals to break free from uniformity instilled by the schools through the vehicle of the dog. The establishing shot with monochromatic colour and identical buildings portrays the forced constancy in a society controlled by education standards. The lack of colour in the far shot also reveals a loss of individuality as all the colours are the same tone. In addition, the sight of a dog by the student ‘4483’ acts as a vehicle of hope for individuals to escape a political system as the solid black colours contrasted with the distorted colour of individuals and society reveals that individuality is possible. This notion of hope is furthered by the breaking of the zipper and non-diegetic sound of glass breaking, illustrating the initial freedom gained by 4483 while the shattering of glass represents the collapse of the education system. Near the end, the dog and 4483 run towards each other but after being hit, the dog runs away. The attempt to form a relationship symbolises the student’s chasing of his hope to gain individuality while the dog running away illuminates the continuation of his ideals and the hope 4483 propagated through all of the students that uniformity can be escaped from. Thus, the dog is used as a vehicle for Okada to perpetuate hope that is present despite the loss of individuality instilled in students due to the education system.
Post by: beau77bro on June 05, 2017, 08:33:32 pm
Sorry I didn't get time to give proper feedback for your refined essay beau, but it looks good! And your understanding of writing the essay seems rock solid to me, good work - I bet you'll smash the task tomorrow :)
not quite ahhahaha it was the one question i didnt pick, and yea nah. tried to answer it weird;y but semi-insightfully, but it said through characters and i didnt explicitly talk about that i just talked about human qualities and enduing value and that lmao ;D 8) :o >:( :-\
Post by: Wales on June 05, 2017, 08:41:53 pm
not quite ahhahaha it was the one question i didnt pick, and yea nah. tried to answer it weird;y but semi-insightfully, but it said through characters and i didnt explicitly talk about that i just talked about human qualities and enduing value and that lmao ;D 8) :o >:( :-\
Take it as a lesson and prepare better for it all next time :) Smash the trials!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 05, 2017, 08:53:06 pm
not quite ahhahaha it was the one question i didnt pick, and yea nah. tried to answer it weird;y but semi-insightfully, but it said through characters and i didnt explicitly talk about that i just talked about human qualities and enduing value and that lmao ;D 8) :o >:( :-\
Bugger! Oh well, can't have em all - Wales is right, take it in your stride and just focus on smashing your Trial exams ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 06, 2017, 03:36:06 am
thankyou soo much elyse, ive gone through and corrected a tonne of points you made, i think im gonna have to work on making that mint introduction of arguments, as well as integrating that long quote. i do agree now looking back it i was arguing a completely different point than i was saying so thankyou soo much. are my changes alright? wanna make sure ive adequately taken on your great advice.
also and this is quite problematic - i am notoriously bad at writing - not in terms of legibilty but simple flow and grammar and making sense - as evident by the lack of directed argument which you so kindly pointed out (THANKYOU sooo much genuinely) and i was wondering if you thought i would do ok by transferring this scaffold straight into an essay. if not (which is probably) what are things which i should aim to fix/change to ensure a solid essay?
THANKYOU SOO MUCH
Hey Beau, I'm really sorry - over the weekend I had no internet access. I'm glad Jamon could help with your other task, but I'll come back to this one because you haven't got feedback on the updated version yet! So, throwing it back to the original essay you've adjusted, here's some feedback :)
Spoiler
A. In you view how does rossetti’s portrayal of the complex nature of gender relationships contribute to the enduring value of her poetry? – reference at least two poems
The enduring value of Rossetti’s poetry is largely derived from her assessment of inherent human qualities that can be problematic and affect human Personally, I don't like the way it sounds to have two uses of "human" in the same sentence. relationships. She emphasises the inequality of gender relationships based on social biases and prejudices that existed during the Victorian era. Throughher thedepiction of these gender relationships Rossetti explores, Hypocrisy as an inherent human quality that remains an integral part in the issues of gender inequality; how so often in society the superficial value of women overshadows their true worth – both by societal standards as well as as individuals; and the emotional issues that correlate with the complex nature of love. Very long sentence - needs to be split up to be appreciated in each way :)By exploring timeless issues related to the human experience, rossetti Rosetti* produced texts that will remain relevant for years to come. Great ideas! You've got them really distinctly organised which is nice.
Throughout the texts rossetti raises the issue of how hypocritical standards in society contribute to the issues and injustices women face.
This is addressed primarily as the strict punishment women endure compared to the sins men get away withand the , as well as the moral equality she endorses.
Ð Throughout goblin market, the biblical allegory is represented in a purely female world to imply that the religious values held so highly should be applied equally to men and women. Lizzie’s jesus-esk sacrifice and message, ‘eat me, drink me, love me; laura, make much of me; for your sake I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin merchant men.’ remove the full stop in the quote and make the start of echoes all in lower case Echoes this implied equality.
Ð However in practice the many-faced, demonic goblins who ‘scratch’d… kick’d and knock’d’ lizzie, in what was by all assumptions a sexual assault appear to be subject to no form of justice. (better quote – rape one) Needs work this bit - but based on your brackets I think you know.
Ð Contrasted by laura Laura* who is seen to suffer for her sins, ‘dwindling… knocking on death’s door’ with her ‘hair grow[ing] grey and thing,’ reflecting the way women were outcast by society based on their actions.
Ð This same sentiment is echoed in light love by the lone woman’s last lines ‘does god forget?’ emphasising the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice. Find a technique here - the rhetorical question seems like a good one to me.
Ð There is also an innate IRONY IN THAT SHE IS LOYAL AND ‘NE’ER [HAD] ANOTHER LOVE’ YET SHE IS PUNISHED, WHILE THE CHEATING MAN GETS TO TAKE ANOTHER BRIDE, illustrating that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation.
The beliefs which society held at the time would condemn these actions, independent of gender or role, yet the reigning hypocrisy prevents true, equal, justice being carried out. These ideas explored by rossetti retain value in society because the discuss a perennial issue in gender inequality, as well as addressing hypocrisy which remains a timeless issue, inherent to the human condition. Nice! Love this ending.
Rossetti contrasts the emotional position of men and women, exploring the differences between shallow, primal, desires favouring sexuality I think this one is a bit much, there's just a lot of words in the one spot and I don't think that compounding them adds to much. and the true value of women.
She explores this as how men unfairly value women for purely physical and sexual qualities, rather than their defined societal roles as virtuous figures of the home and in the process ignore their true emotions. Nice! Very clear.
- OBJECTIFICATION – SAY IT (note to self)
Ð This is exemplified by the fact only ‘maids heard the goblin cry’ with the negative connotations that women are only valued for their sexuality.
Ð Shown similarly in the way the perceived currency for the fruit is the girls’ virginal purity, represented by laura’s Laura's* ‘golden curl’ the importance of which is emphasised when she sheds a ‘tear more rare than a pearl’. Find a technique here.
Ð In light love the man is seen to unashamedly pursue sexuality, despite his former love interest being described as loyal, having ‘ne’er another love’, and likened to the other woman, with the exception of implied ‘ripe-blooming’ virginity.
Ð An extended metaphor for females value is depicted by the way women who have lost their purity in rossetti’s Rossetti's* poems are compared to being dead, ‘knocking on deaths door… growing grey’ and ‘is death so sadder much than this’ to imply without their sexual purity, they are no longer valued by men.
Ð There is an inherent irony, that women are punished for being impure, when the apparent thing men desire the most is to make them impure. yess This irony is addressed in an artist studio by the contrast of the man’s ‘dreams’ of woman as a ‘queen’ and an ‘angel’ versus the vampiric imagery of the man ‘feed[ing] on her face’ implying that he only dreams of her as his victim.
Rossetti’s deep exploration of intrinsic human emotions, supersedes the applied contexts in which she explores it to provide a timeless insight into the human condition. I think this paragraph has a lot more direction now than it used to!
Furthermore, Rossetti addresses the intricate emotional issues that women face in domestic relationships.
She breaks down (almost a pun) the emotional conflicts that stem from the complex nature of love and it’s place and perception in society, questioning why love is neglected and misused in society.
Ð In after death Rossetti is seen to contrast celebrated standards of emotion in the antithetical statements ‘he did not touch the shroud, or raise the fold that hid my face, or take my hand in his… he did not love me living,’ I think the true antithetical statement is the last part, that is the most important or telling statement out of the entire quote. I think you could ignore the rest and just leave that. to represent how emotions should be shown in a relationship. She emphasises this by continuously reversing roles, showing the man as weeping in ‘in a deep silence’ and the heavy irony in the final lines ‘very sweet it is to know he is warm though I am cold,’ to criticise the way men do not share their true feelings and emotions by placing them in a, regrettable, position in which they have missed the opportunity for love that mirrors the way women aren’t given the opportunity to share theirs.
Ð Epitomised by the title, ‘light love’ reflecting the way in which men take love insincerely, leading on and taking advantage of other women, only to move on to ‘riper’ women and ‘trample [them] too’.
Ð The thematic issue of LEL, along with many of her other poems, is addressed by the repeated epigraph ‘whose heart was breaking for a little love’. This theme is further explored through the various contrasts between ‘winter’ and spring, and recurring ‘hiding’ images to represent the expectations of love and internal, lack of love.
The meaningful look into emotional complexities relating to love through intricate societal, emotional and moral relationships, helps rossetti explore deeper issues relating to the human experience.
Rossetti’s depiction of inherently human issues and their relevance to gender relationships, has facilitated the development of her greater textual meaning and integrity – producing texts that will undoubtedly remain relevant. Her insightful representation; of the hypocritical nature of relationship standards, of key emotional states in relationships, as well as the complexities of love which women face have contributed to her developed perception of key human issues. Thus it is clear that rossetti’s exploration of the human experience through complex gender relationships has contributed to her poetry’s enduring value.
The enduring value of Rossetti’s poetry is largely derived from her assessment of inherent human qualities that can be problematic and affect human Personally, I don't like the way it sounds to have two uses of "human" in the same sentence. relationships. She emphasises the inequality of gender relationships based on social biases and prejudices that existed during the Victorian era. Through
Throughout the texts rossetti raises the issue of how hypocritical standards in society contribute to the issues and injustices women face.
This is addressed primarily as the strict punishment women endure compared to the sins men get away with
Ð Throughout goblin market, the biblical allegory is represented in a purely female world to imply that the religious values held so highly should be applied equally to men and women. Lizzie’s jesus-esk sacrifice and message, ‘eat me, drink me, love me; laura, make much of me; for your sake I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin merchant men.’ remove the full stop in the quote and make the start of echoes all in lower case Echoes this implied equality.
Ð However in practice the many-faced, demonic goblins who ‘scratch’d… kick’d and knock’d’ lizzie, in what was by all assumptions a sexual assault appear to be subject to no form of justice. (better quote – rape one) Needs work this bit - but based on your brackets I think you know.
Ð Contrasted by laura Laura* who is seen to suffer for her sins, ‘dwindling… knocking on death’s door’ with her ‘hair grow[ing] grey and thing,’ reflecting the way women were outcast by society based on their actions.
Ð This same sentiment is echoed in light love by the lone woman’s last lines ‘does god forget?’ emphasising the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice. Find a technique here - the rhetorical question seems like a good one to me.
Ð There is also an innate IRONY IN THAT SHE IS LOYAL AND ‘NE’ER [HAD] ANOTHER LOVE’ YET SHE IS PUNISHED, WHILE THE CHEATING MAN GETS TO TAKE ANOTHER BRIDE, illustrating that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation.
The beliefs which society held at the time would condemn these actions, independent of gender or role, yet the reigning hypocrisy prevents true, equal, justice being carried out. These ideas explored by rossetti retain value in society because the discuss a perennial issue in gender inequality, as well as addressing hypocrisy which remains a timeless issue, inherent to the human condition. Nice! Love this ending.
Rossetti contrasts the emotional position of men and women, exploring the differences between shallow, primal, desires favouring sexuality I think this one is a bit much, there's just a lot of words in the one spot and I don't think that compounding them adds to much. and the true value of women.
She explores this as how men unfairly value women for purely physical and sexual qualities, rather than their defined societal roles as virtuous figures of the home and in the process ignore their true emotions. Nice! Very clear.
- OBJECTIFICATION – SAY IT (note to self)
Ð This is exemplified by the fact only ‘maids heard the goblin cry’ with the negative connotations that women are only valued for their sexuality.
Ð Shown similarly in the way the perceived currency for the fruit is the girls’ virginal purity, represented by laura’s Laura's* ‘golden curl’ the importance of which is emphasised when she sheds a ‘tear more rare than a pearl’. Find a technique here.
Ð In light love the man is seen to unashamedly pursue sexuality, despite his former love interest being described as loyal, having ‘ne’er another love’, and likened to the other woman, with the exception of implied ‘ripe-blooming’ virginity.
Ð An extended metaphor for females value is depicted by the way women who have lost their purity in rossetti’s Rossetti's* poems are compared to being dead, ‘knocking on deaths door… growing grey’ and ‘is death so sadder much than this’ to imply without their sexual purity, they are no longer valued by men.
Ð There is an inherent irony, that women are punished for being impure, when the apparent thing men desire the most is to make them impure. yess This irony is addressed in an artist studio by the contrast of the man’s ‘dreams’ of woman as a ‘queen’ and an ‘angel’ versus the vampiric imagery of the man ‘feed[ing] on her face’ implying that he only dreams of her as his victim.
Rossetti’s deep exploration of intrinsic human emotions, supersedes the applied contexts in which she explores it to provide a timeless insight into the human condition. I think this paragraph has a lot more direction now than it used to!
Furthermore, Rossetti addresses the intricate emotional issues that women face in domestic relationships.
She breaks down (almost a pun) the emotional conflicts that stem from the complex nature of love and it’s place and perception in society, questioning why love is neglected and misused in society.
Ð In after death Rossetti is seen to contrast celebrated standards of emotion in the antithetical statements ‘he did not touch the shroud, or raise the fold that hid my face, or take my hand in his… he did not love me living,’ I think the true antithetical statement is the last part, that is the most important or telling statement out of the entire quote. I think you could ignore the rest and just leave that. to represent how emotions should be shown in a relationship. She emphasises this by continuously reversing roles, showing the man as weeping in ‘in a deep silence’ and the heavy irony in the final lines ‘very sweet it is to know he is warm though I am cold,’ to criticise the way men do not share their true feelings and emotions by placing them in a, regrettable, position in which they have missed the opportunity for love that mirrors the way women aren’t given the opportunity to share theirs.
Ð Epitomised by the title, ‘light love’ reflecting the way in which men take love insincerely, leading on and taking advantage of other women, only to move on to ‘riper’ women and ‘trample [them] too’.
Ð The thematic issue of LEL, along with many of her other poems, is addressed by the repeated epigraph ‘whose heart was breaking for a little love’. This theme is further explored through the various contrasts between ‘winter’ and spring, and recurring ‘hiding’ images to represent the expectations of love and internal, lack of love.
The meaningful look into emotional complexities relating to love through intricate societal, emotional and moral relationships, helps rossetti explore deeper issues relating to the human experience.
Rossetti’s depiction of inherently human issues and their relevance to gender relationships, has facilitated the development of her greater textual meaning and integrity – producing texts that will undoubtedly remain relevant. Her insightful representation; of the hypocritical nature of relationship standards, of key emotional states in relationships, as well as the complexities of love which women face have contributed to her developed perception of key human issues. Thus it is clear that rossetti’s exploration of the human experience through complex gender relationships has contributed to her poetry’s enduring value.
This is even better than last time, like I said, I'm so surprised the scaffold approach has worked so well for you. To answer your question, Yes, I do think it's really important that you move this into an essay form and out of the scaffold in preparation for an exam. At the moment, everything flows because the ideas link, but it doesn't flow because the sentences don't flow. So you'd need to remove the scaffolding and read the work out loud to see how it flows. If you have more trouble, because you've identified the writing isn't your strong point, I can be more critical of the wording. But at the moment, I can't really comment on the way you segway between sentences simply because the scaffold prevents there being a need for that. So, I will definitely have a look at it if you'd like when it comes in essay form. Also, be careful to capitalise proper nouns - there's a few times where you haven't :)
Just to be clear - would you like your Module C essay marked again or would you not like to use your post count for that? Jamon gave feedback once but if you wanted feedback on the repost, just let me know! I don't want to mark if for you if you've already updated it so my feedback becomes irrelevant, then I would've wasted your post count. So let me know what you'd like :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 06, 2017, 04:12:43 am
Hi! Wrote this draft for mod C and I'm just looking for feedback on the essay, thanks! Haven't done conclusion :)
Heya! Here's some feedback in the spoiler below for you, in bold font :)
Spoiler
“The political is inevitably an expression of the individual.”
Explore the tensions between the political and the personal as represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The political motivations represented by composers within a text embody their own expression, values, and contextual influences. Such is emphasised through Aldous Huxley’s 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, as he forebodes the consequences of the avarice of political leaders and their totalitarian control over an obsequious society. In comparison, Takuya Okada’s animated short film, CHILDREN, depicts the dehumanisation of students due to the enforced uniformity and stability due to the education system’s academic expectations. Ultimately, both composers represent the tension between personal and political through a meticulous construction of dystopias with dehumanised individuals due to control enforced by different political structures. Really interesting approach by talking about the individual as the composer - I'm excited to read more!
The abolishment ofany (tautologous) emotion and individuality in a society through abuse of biological technology ultimately leads to the dehumanisation of individuals. This is foregrounded by Huxley’s dystopic representation of a society influenced by industrialisation in the 1900s, resulting in the abuse of genetic engineering to remove individuality and hence a removal of one’s humanity. The scientific jargon associated with the “Bokanovsky process” and “Podsnap’s technique” reveals the reliance on scientific knowledge in producing “millions of identical twins” (Ch 1). Furthermore, the process being used to produce “Ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines” (Ch 1) exemplifies the loss of humanity of society due to the uniformity and control exerted by the world controllers. This is emphasised in the repetition of both the number and the word "identical" This illustrates the tension between Huxley’s negative perspective of genetic engineering against the world controllers’ use of it for “Community, Identity, Stability” (Ch 1). In addition, Huxley predicted “the inevitable acceleration of American world domination” in response to industrialisation in the 1920s. This tension between America’s political agenda of rapid industrialisation and Huxley’s foreboding of the consequences of this, are represented by the uniformity in the dystopian World State and its subsequent removal of human experiences and emotion from an individual. The dehumanisation of an individual is reinforced by animalistic imagery, “those human maggots swarming round Linda’s bed of death” (Ch 16), allowing Huxley to belittle society’s status as humans to ‘maggots’ as they lack emotion as a result of conditioning of values and perspectives. Nice! Well rounded. Usually it feels like the paragraph is left hanging if there isn't a concluding sentence, but your analytical sentence has a concluding nature and it works really well.
Comparatively, Takuya Okada’s monotonous short film, CHILDREN, portrays the uniformity and lack of emotion reinforced by the education system and its harsh effects in stripping away human experiences of individuals. The animated short uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and tone not sure what you mean by this? "colour scheme and tone" - tone of voice? tone of attitude? as well as monotonous, sorrowful music. This, combined with the identical look of the students distinguished by numbers, represents the uniformity enforced on society due to the education system and thus, Okada criticises and debases the 21st century education system. Okada highlights the uniformity imposed on students through the zippers locking students’ mouths and the unnatural clapping of the teachers, exemplifies the suppression of emotion from both teachers and students. Find a technique in this last part - even a metaphor might work - or iconography, or connotations...depending on how you want to spin it. Near the end of the short film, the dog and boy 4483 are hit by a train when running towards each other, whereby the train acts as a metaphor for society stopping the student’s attempt to express his emotion and gain his humanity back. The student appears dead initially until he laughs, which reveals the lack of human experiences of the student due to the uncertainty of how to act as well as being the first expression of emotion in the animation. Thus, an exploration of the tension between Okada’s representation of the modern education system and the reality of the system foregrounds that the uniformity instilled leads to a dehumanisation of students in society. I think this paragraph fails to the attack the original essay question in the same brave way that the introduction has. It just doesn't attack the idea of political being an expression of the individual - but instead, political may strip the individual. If you want to make this point, that works as well, but it isn't clear this is your angle.
Composers present the use of power in removing religious influence by replacing it with scientific knowledge and industrialisation, illuminating the tension between secular and religious perspectives. Your wording doesn't attack the question you've been given, although I know you are addressing it. I would adjust the wording of this statement here to include the word individual, or individuality, or whatever the variation may be, to show how it relates directly.
Even to say, "between secular and religious perspectives maintain by individuals." Such is true as Huxley parodies the Christian religion through the replacement with the deity as Ford, illustrating the importance of the assembly line and manufacturing. The allusion of “Oh, Ford” (Ch 2) instead of God and the date being “A.F. 632” (Ch 1) rather than A.D, eliminates religious conflict and enforces stability through the addition of a man who existed rather than the mystery of a belief system. Furthermore, during the solidarity service, they “made the sign of the T” and satirically replaced the body and blood with “soma tablets” and a “cup of strawberry ice-cream soma” (Ch 5), illustrating the conflicting secular and religious perspectives in Brave New World and the importance of soma in society. In addition, the idea of Christian marriage - “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6) is subverted by Mustapha Mond, “what man has joined, nature is powerless to put asunder” (Ch 2). This, intertwined with Huxley’s other parodical subversions, reinforce the diminishing of religion in order to enforce stability and suggest the importance of manufacturing. Unless your teacher has said otherwise - it isn't necessary to identify the chapter of the book where the quote comes from :)
However, Okada presents a caricature of the modern era, and the hope of individuals to break free from uniformity instilled by the schools through the vehicle of the dog. The establishing shot with monochromatic colour and identical buildings portrays the forced constancy in a society controlled by education standards. The lack of colour in the far shot also reveals a loss of individuality as all the colours are the same tone. In addition, the sight of a dog by the student ‘4483’ acts as a vehicle of hope for individuals to escape a political system as the solid black colours contrasted with the distorted colour of individuals and society reveals that individuality is possible. This notion of hope is furthered by the breaking of the zipper and non-diegetic sound of glass breaking, illustrating the initial freedom gained by 4483 while the shattering of glass represents the collapse of the education system. Near the end, the dog and 4483 run towards each other but after being hit, the dog runs away. The attempt to form a relationship symbolises the student’s chasing of his hope to gain individuality while the dog running away illuminates the continuation of his ideals and the hope 4483 propagated through all of the students that uniformity can be escaped from. Thus, the dog is used as a vehicle for Okada to perpetuate hope that is present despite the loss of individuality instilled in students due to the education system.
Explore the tensions between the political and the personal as represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The political motivations represented by composers within a text embody their own expression, values, and contextual influences. Such is emphasised through Aldous Huxley’s 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, as he forebodes the consequences of the avarice of political leaders and their totalitarian control over an obsequious society. In comparison, Takuya Okada’s animated short film, CHILDREN, depicts the dehumanisation of students due to the enforced uniformity and stability due to the education system’s academic expectations. Ultimately, both composers represent the tension between personal and political through a meticulous construction of dystopias with dehumanised individuals due to control enforced by different political structures. Really interesting approach by talking about the individual as the composer - I'm excited to read more!
The abolishment of
Comparatively, Takuya Okada’s monotonous short film, CHILDREN, portrays the uniformity and lack of emotion reinforced by the education system and its harsh effects in stripping away human experiences of individuals. The animated short uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and tone not sure what you mean by this? "colour scheme and tone" - tone of voice? tone of attitude? as well as monotonous, sorrowful music. This, combined with the identical look of the students distinguished by numbers, represents the uniformity enforced on society due to the education system and thus, Okada criticises and debases the 21st century education system. Okada highlights the uniformity imposed on students through the zippers locking students’ mouths and the unnatural clapping of the teachers, exemplifies the suppression of emotion from both teachers and students. Find a technique in this last part - even a metaphor might work - or iconography, or connotations...depending on how you want to spin it. Near the end of the short film, the dog and boy 4483 are hit by a train when running towards each other, whereby the train acts as a metaphor for society stopping the student’s attempt to express his emotion and gain his humanity back. The student appears dead initially until he laughs, which reveals the lack of human experiences of the student due to the uncertainty of how to act as well as being the first expression of emotion in the animation. Thus, an exploration of the tension between Okada’s representation of the modern education system and the reality of the system foregrounds that the uniformity instilled leads to a dehumanisation of students in society. I think this paragraph fails to the attack the original essay question in the same brave way that the introduction has. It just doesn't attack the idea of political being an expression of the individual - but instead, political may strip the individual. If you want to make this point, that works as well, but it isn't clear this is your angle.
Composers present the use of power in removing religious influence by replacing it with scientific knowledge and industrialisation, illuminating the tension between secular and religious perspectives. Your wording doesn't attack the question you've been given, although I know you are addressing it. I would adjust the wording of this statement here to include the word individual, or individuality, or whatever the variation may be, to show how it relates directly.
Even to say, "between secular and religious perspectives maintain by individuals." Such is true as Huxley parodies the Christian religion through the replacement with the deity as Ford, illustrating the importance of the assembly line and manufacturing. The allusion of “Oh, Ford” (Ch 2) instead of God and the date being “A.F. 632” (Ch 1) rather than A.D, eliminates religious conflict and enforces stability through the addition of a man who existed rather than the mystery of a belief system. Furthermore, during the solidarity service, they “made the sign of the T” and satirically replaced the body and blood with “soma tablets” and a “cup of strawberry ice-cream soma” (Ch 5), illustrating the conflicting secular and religious perspectives in Brave New World and the importance of soma in society. In addition, the idea of Christian marriage - “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6) is subverted by Mustapha Mond, “what man has joined, nature is powerless to put asunder” (Ch 2). This, intertwined with Huxley’s other parodical subversions, reinforce the diminishing of religion in order to enforce stability and suggest the importance of manufacturing. Unless your teacher has said otherwise - it isn't necessary to identify the chapter of the book where the quote comes from :)
However, Okada presents a caricature of the modern era, and the hope of individuals to break free from uniformity instilled by the schools through the vehicle of the dog. The establishing shot with monochromatic colour and identical buildings portrays the forced constancy in a society controlled by education standards. The lack of colour in the far shot also reveals a loss of individuality as all the colours are the same tone. In addition, the sight of a dog by the student ‘4483’ acts as a vehicle of hope for individuals to escape a political system as the solid black colours contrasted with the distorted colour of individuals and society reveals that individuality is possible. This notion of hope is furthered by the breaking of the zipper and non-diegetic sound of glass breaking, illustrating the initial freedom gained by 4483 while the shattering of glass represents the collapse of the education system. Near the end, the dog and 4483 run towards each other but after being hit, the dog runs away. The attempt to form a relationship symbolises the student’s chasing of his hope to gain individuality while the dog running away illuminates the continuation of his ideals and the hope 4483 propagated through all of the students that uniformity can be escaped from. Thus, the dog is used as a vehicle for Okada to perpetuate hope that is present despite the loss of individuality instilled in students due to the education system.
In terms of dealing with the question - I think you're doing it in a unique way which is great, it's working for you. But then when it comes to addressing the "representation" aspect of Module C: we can improve. No panic though - it's just a matter of weaving it into what you already have, as opposed to actually needing to re-write huge chunks. In Module C, representation needs to be at the forefront of your discussions. So, every decision an author has made, is about representing some kind of experience, emotion, idea, relationship, or so on. So for your essay, we need to look at the relationship between politics and individuals and how it is being represented. For the most part, you need to connect a technique with each example from the text, and THAT is the way the author has chosen to represent something. So, the zippers on the mouths are a representation of....the replacement of God with Ford is a representation of... Obviously you need to be a bit creative and can't just repeat "this represents" each time - but it does need to come to the surface in your essay more in order to reach the full marks this module offers :)
Post by: 1937jk on June 06, 2017, 08:14:19 am
Hey!! Not sure if this is still helpful, but I had a read of both your Thesis paragraphs! A few comments:
- I still think what you are trying to communicate in the opening sentence is a little unclear, but, I think your amplification is definitely stronger in the second version.
- The sentence where you talk about "the house metaphorically" is getting into the techniques used by Winton to communicate the idea - This is best saved for the body paragraphs.
- I think reconciliation needs to appear way earlier than right near the end there, to indicate a direct answer to the question. You bring it in when discussing the characters early on, but I think a broader statement on reconciliation would be beneficial.
Overall, I think the Thesis is still just a little bit vague - Definitely an improvement in your second version though!! ;D
Thank you!!! I'll definitely take on your feedback, I appreciate the help so much!
Post by: beau77bro on June 06, 2017, 11:59:46 am
Hey Beau, I'm really sorry - over the weekend I had no internet access. I'm glad Jamon could help with your other task, but I'll come back to this one because you haven't got feedback on the updated version yet! So, throwing it back to the original essay you've adjusted, here's some feedback :)SpoilerA. In you view how does rossetti’s portrayal of the complex nature of gender relationships contribute to the enduring value of her poetry? – reference at least two poems
The enduring value of Rossetti’s poetry is largely derived from her assessment of inherent human qualities that can be problematic and affect human Personally, I don't like the way it sounds to have two uses of "human" in the same sentence. relationships. She emphasises the inequality of gender relationships based on social biases and prejudices that existed during the Victorian era. Throughherthedepiction of these gender relationships Rossetti explores, Hypocrisy as an inherent human quality that remains an integral part in the issues of gender inequality; how so often in society the superficial value of women overshadows their true worth – both by societal standards as well as as individuals; and the emotional issues that correlate with the complex nature of love. Very long sentence - needs to be split up to be appreciated in each way :)By exploring timeless issues related to the human experience, rossetti Rosetti* produced texts that will remain relevant for years to come. Great ideas! You've got them really distinctly organised which is nice.
Throughout the texts rossetti raises the issue of how hypocritical standards in society contribute to the issues and injustices women face.
This is addressed primarily as the strict punishment women endure compared to the sins men get away withand the, as well as the moral equality she endorses.
Ð Throughout goblin market, the biblical allegory is represented in a purely female world to imply that the religious values held so highly should be applied equally to men and women. Lizzie’s jesus-esk sacrifice and message, ‘eat me, drink me, love me; laura, make much of me; for your sake I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin merchant men.’ remove the full stop in the quote and make the start of echoes all in lower case Echoes this implied equality.
Ð However in practice the many-faced, demonic goblins who ‘scratch’d… kick’d and knock’d’ lizzie, in what was by all assumptions a sexual assault appear to be subject to no form of justice. (better quote – rape one) Needs work this bit - but based on your brackets I think you know.
Ð Contrasted by laura Laura* who is seen to suffer for her sins, ‘dwindling… knocking on death’s door’ with her ‘hair grow[ing] grey and thing,’ reflecting the way women were outcast by society based on their actions.
Ð This same sentiment is echoed in light love by the lone woman’s last lines ‘does god forget?’ emphasising the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice. Find a technique here - the rhetorical question seems like a good one to me.
Ð There is also an innate IRONY IN THAT SHE IS LOYAL AND ‘NE’ER [HAD] ANOTHER LOVE’ YET SHE IS PUNISHED, WHILE THE CHEATING MAN GETS TO TAKE ANOTHER BRIDE, illustrating that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation.
The beliefs which society held at the time would condemn these actions, independent of gender or role, yet the reigning hypocrisy prevents true, equal, justice being carried out. These ideas explored by rossetti retain value in society because the discuss a perennial issue in gender inequality, as well as addressing hypocrisy which remains a timeless issue, inherent to the human condition. Nice! Love this ending.
Rossetti contrasts the emotional position of men and women, exploring the differences between shallow, primal, desires favouring sexuality I think this one is a bit much, there's just a lot of words in the one spot and I don't think that compounding them adds to much. and the true value of women.
She explores this as how men unfairly value women for purely physical and sexual qualities, rather than their defined societal roles as virtuous figures of the home and in the process ignore their true emotions. Nice! Very clear.
- OBJECTIFICATION – SAY IT (note to self)
Ð This is exemplified by the fact only ‘maids heard the goblin cry’ with the negative connotations that women are only valued for their sexuality.
Ð Shown similarly in the way the perceived currency for the fruit is the girls’ virginal purity, represented by laura’s Laura's* ‘golden curl’ the importance of which is emphasised when she sheds a ‘tear more rare than a pearl’. Find a technique here.
Ð In light love the man is seen to unashamedly pursue sexuality, despite his former love interest being described as loyal, having ‘ne’er another love’, and likened to the other woman, with the exception of implied ‘ripe-blooming’ virginity.
Ð An extended metaphor for females value is depicted by the way women who have lost their purity in rossetti’s Rossetti's* poems are compared to being dead, ‘knocking on deaths door… growing grey’ and ‘is death so sadder much than this’ to imply without their sexual purity, they are no longer valued by men.
Ð There is an inherent irony, that women are punished for being impure, when the apparent thing men desire the most is to make them impure. yess This irony is addressed in an artist studio by the contrast of the man’s ‘dreams’ of woman as a ‘queen’ and an ‘angel’ versus the vampiric imagery of the man ‘feed[ing] on her face’ implying that he only dreams of her as his victim.
Rossetti’s deep exploration of intrinsic human emotions, supersedes the applied contexts in which she explores it to provide a timeless insight into the human condition. I think this paragraph has a lot more direction now than it used to!
Furthermore, Rossetti addresses the intricate emotional issues that women face in domestic relationships.
She breaks down (almost a pun) the emotional conflicts that stem from the complex nature of love and it’s place and perception in society, questioning why love is neglected and misused in society.
Ð In after death Rossetti is seen to contrast celebrated standards of emotion in the antithetical statements ‘he did not touch the shroud, or raise the fold that hid my face, or take my hand in his… he did not love me living,’ I think the true antithetical statement is the last part, that is the most important or telling statement out of the entire quote. I think you could ignore the rest and just leave that. to represent how emotions should be shown in a relationship. She emphasises this by continuously reversing roles, showing the man as weeping in ‘in a deep silence’ and the heavy irony in the final lines ‘very sweet it is to know he is warm though I am cold,’ to criticise the way men do not share their true feelings and emotions by placing them in a, regrettable, position in which they have missed the opportunity for love that mirrors the way women aren’t given the opportunity to share theirs.
Ð Epitomised by the title, ‘light love’ reflecting the way in which men take love insincerely, leading on and taking advantage of other women, only to move on to ‘riper’ women and ‘trample [them] too’.
Ð The thematic issue of LEL, along with many of her other poems, is addressed by the repeated epigraph ‘whose heart was breaking for a little love’. This theme is further explored through the various contrasts between ‘winter’ and spring, and recurring ‘hiding’ images to represent the expectations of love and internal, lack of love.
The meaningful look into emotional complexities relating to love through intricate societal, emotional and moral relationships, helps rossetti explore deeper issues relating to the human experience.
Rossetti’s depiction of inherently human issues and their relevance to gender relationships, has facilitated the development of her greater textual meaning and integrity – producing texts that will undoubtedly remain relevant. Her insightful representation; of the hypocritical nature of relationship standards, of key emotional states in relationships, as well as the complexities of love which women face have contributed to her developed perception of key human issues. Thus it is clear that rossetti’s exploration of the human experience through complex gender relationships has contributed to her poetry’s enduring value.
This is even better than last time, like I said, I'm so surprised the scaffold approach has worked so well for you. To answer your question, Yes, I do think it's really important that you move this into an essay form and out of the scaffold in preparation for an exam. At the moment, everything flows because the ideas link, but it doesn't flow because the sentences don't flow. So you'd need to remove the scaffolding and read the work out loud to see how it flows. If you have more trouble, because you've identified the writing isn't your strong point, I can be more critical of the wording. But at the moment, I can't really comment on the way you segway between sentences simply because the scaffold prevents there being a need for that. So, I will definitely have a look at it if you'd like when it comes in essay form. Also, be careful to capitalise proper nouns - there's a few times where you haven't :)
Just to be clear - would you like your Module C essay marked again or would you not like to use your post count for that? Jamon gave feedback once but if you wanted feedback on the repost, just let me know! I don't want to mark if for you if you've already updated it so my feedback becomes irrelevant, then I would've wasted your post count. So let me know what you'd like :)
omg yes elyse i would love you to mark my essay C - it's mod B too and i think its the best one ive done. thanks soo much for all the help, and what is my post count btw?
Post by: pikachu975 on June 06, 2017, 04:49:33 pm
Heya! Here's some feedback in the spoiler below for you, in bold font :)Spoiler“The political is inevitably an expression of the individual.”
Explore the tensions between the political and the personal as represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The political motivations represented by composers within a text embody their own expression, values, and contextual influences. Such is emphasised through Aldous Huxley’s 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, as he forebodes the consequences of the avarice of political leaders and their totalitarian control over an obsequious society. In comparison, Takuya Okada’s animated short film, CHILDREN, depicts the dehumanisation of students due to the enforced uniformity and stability due to the education system’s academic expectations. Ultimately, both composers represent the tension between personal and political through a meticulous construction of dystopias with dehumanised individuals due to control enforced by different political structures. Really interesting approach by talking about the individual as the composer - I'm excited to read more!
The abolishment ofany(tautologous) emotion and individuality in a society through abuse of biological technology ultimately leads to the dehumanisation of individuals. This is foregrounded by Huxley’s dystopic representation of a society influenced by industrialisation in the 1900s, resulting in the abuse of genetic engineering to remove individuality and hence a removal of one’s humanity. The scientific jargon associated with the “Bokanovsky process” and “Podsnap’s technique” reveals the reliance on scientific knowledge in producing “millions of identical twins” (Ch 1). Furthermore, the process being used to produce “Ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines” (Ch 1) exemplifies the loss of humanity of society due to the uniformity and control exerted by the world controllers. This is emphasised in the repetition of both the number and the word "identical" This illustrates the tension between Huxley’s negative perspective of genetic engineering against the world controllers’ use of it for “Community, Identity, Stability” (Ch 1). In addition, Huxley predicted “the inevitable acceleration of American world domination” in response to industrialisation in the 1920s. This tension between America’s political agenda of rapid industrialisation and Huxley’s foreboding of the consequences of this, are represented by the uniformity in the dystopian World State and its subsequent removal of human experiences and emotion from an individual. The dehumanisation of an individual is reinforced by animalistic imagery, “those human maggots swarming round Linda’s bed of death” (Ch 16), allowing Huxley to belittle society’s status as humans to ‘maggots’ as they lack emotion as a result of conditioning of values and perspectives. Nice! Well rounded. Usually it feels like the paragraph is left hanging if there isn't a concluding sentence, but your analytical sentence has a concluding nature and it works really well.
Comparatively, Takuya Okada’s monotonous short film, CHILDREN, portrays the uniformity and lack of emotion reinforced by the education system and its harsh effects in stripping away human experiences of individuals. The animated short uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and tone not sure what you mean by this? "colour scheme and tone" - tone of voice? tone of attitude? as well as monotonous, sorrowful music. This, combined with the identical look of the students distinguished by numbers, represents the uniformity enforced on society due to the education system and thus, Okada criticises and debases the 21st century education system. Okada highlights the uniformity imposed on students through the zippers locking students’ mouths and the unnatural clapping of the teachers, exemplifies the suppression of emotion from both teachers and students. Find a technique in this last part - even a metaphor might work - or iconography, or connotations...depending on how you want to spin it. Near the end of the short film, the dog and boy 4483 are hit by a train when running towards each other, whereby the train acts as a metaphor for society stopping the student’s attempt to express his emotion and gain his humanity back. The student appears dead initially until he laughs, which reveals the lack of human experiences of the student due to the uncertainty of how to act as well as being the first expression of emotion in the animation. Thus, an exploration of the tension between Okada’s representation of the modern education system and the reality of the system foregrounds that the uniformity instilled leads to a dehumanisation of students in society. I think this paragraph fails to the attack the original essay question in the same brave way that the introduction has. It just doesn't attack the idea of political being an expression of the individual - but instead, political may strip the individual. If you want to make this point, that works as well, but it isn't clear this is your angle.
Composers present the use of power in removing religious influence by replacing it with scientific knowledge and industrialisation, illuminating the tension between secular and religious perspectives. Your wording doesn't attack the question you've been given, although I know you are addressing it. I would adjust the wording of this statement here to include the word individual, or individuality, or whatever the variation may be, to show how it relates directly.
Even to say, "between secular and religious perspectives maintain by individuals." Such is true as Huxley parodies the Christian religion through the replacement with the deity as Ford, illustrating the importance of the assembly line and manufacturing. The allusion of “Oh, Ford” (Ch 2) instead of God and the date being “A.F. 632” (Ch 1) rather than A.D, eliminates religious conflict and enforces stability through the addition of a man who existed rather than the mystery of a belief system. Furthermore, during the solidarity service, they “made the sign of the T” and satirically replaced the body and blood with “soma tablets” and a “cup of strawberry ice-cream soma” (Ch 5), illustrating the conflicting secular and religious perspectives in Brave New World and the importance of soma in society. In addition, the idea of Christian marriage - “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6) is subverted by Mustapha Mond, “what man has joined, nature is powerless to put asunder” (Ch 2). This, intertwined with Huxley’s other parodical subversions, reinforce the diminishing of religion in order to enforce stability and suggest the importance of manufacturing. Unless your teacher has said otherwise - it isn't necessary to identify the chapter of the book where the quote comes from :)
However, Okada presents a caricature of the modern era, and the hope of individuals to break free from uniformity instilled by the schools through the vehicle of the dog. The establishing shot with monochromatic colour and identical buildings portrays the forced constancy in a society controlled by education standards. The lack of colour in the far shot also reveals a loss of individuality as all the colours are the same tone. In addition, the sight of a dog by the student ‘4483’ acts as a vehicle of hope for individuals to escape a political system as the solid black colours contrasted with the distorted colour of individuals and society reveals that individuality is possible. This notion of hope is furthered by the breaking of the zipper and non-diegetic sound of glass breaking, illustrating the initial freedom gained by 4483 while the shattering of glass represents the collapse of the education system. Near the end, the dog and 4483 run towards each other but after being hit, the dog runs away. The attempt to form a relationship symbolises the student’s chasing of his hope to gain individuality while the dog running away illuminates the continuation of his ideals and the hope 4483 propagated through all of the students that uniformity can be escaped from. Thus, the dog is used as a vehicle for Okada to perpetuate hope that is present despite the loss of individuality instilled in students due to the education system.
In terms of dealing with the question - I think you're doing it in a unique way which is great, it's working for you. But then when it comes to addressing the "representation" aspect of Module C: we can improve. No panic though - it's just a matter of weaving it into what you already have, as opposed to actually needing to re-write huge chunks. In Module C, representation needs to be at the forefront of your discussions. So, every decision an author has made, is about representing some kind of experience, emotion, idea, relationship, or so on. So for your essay, we need to look at the relationship between politics and individuals and how it is being represented. For the most part, you need to connect a technique with each example from the text, and THAT is the way the author has chosen to represent something. So, the zippers on the mouths are a representation of....the replacement of God with Ford is a representation of... Obviously you need to be a bit creative and can't just repeat "this represents" each time - but it does need to come to the surface in your essay more in order to reach the full marks this module offers :)
Thanks for the feedback! So basically for mod C you need to make it obvious that they represent/symbolise/illustrate concepts?
Post by: pikachu975 on June 07, 2017, 08:01:14 pm
Spoiler
An Irish Airman Foresees His Death (1918)
Composers explore the mundanity of life by juxtaposing it with the inevitability of death for all humans. Yeats uses Gregory as a catalyst to illustrate this inherent balance between life and death as “he was the ideal vehicle for Yeats’ propaganda.” This perspective presented by Stephen Crane explains that Gregory allowed Yeats to address the common concern among humans of inevitable death ending everyday life. The inescapability of death is emphasised as “I know that I shall meet my fate”, whereby the certainty in ‘know’ reinforces the constant iambic tetrameter and unchanging rhyme scheme in four quatrains of ABAB. This death is accepted by Gregory as he feels that “The years to come seemed a waste of breath, / A waste of breath the years behind.” The temporal diction and reflective tone provoke readers to reflect upon their lives and its mundanity, just as Gregory “balanced all, brought all to mind” and thereby accepted his fate of death. Furthermore, “A lonely impulse of delight / Drove to this tumult in the clouds”, whereby the irony in joining WW1 for ‘delight’ presents the monotony of life, causing Gregory to accept his death: “In balance with this life, this death.” Therefore, the portrayal of an inevitable death contrasted against mundane life causes readers to reflect upon their own lives, hence enhancing an appreciation of the poem.
Composers explore the mundanity of life by juxtaposing it with the inevitability of death for all humans. Yeats uses Gregory as a catalyst to illustrate this inherent balance between life and death as “he was the ideal vehicle for Yeats’ propaganda.” This perspective presented by Stephen Crane explains that Gregory allowed Yeats to address the common concern among humans of inevitable death ending everyday life. The inescapability of death is emphasised as “I know that I shall meet my fate”, whereby the certainty in ‘know’ reinforces the constant iambic tetrameter and unchanging rhyme scheme in four quatrains of ABAB. This death is accepted by Gregory as he feels that “The years to come seemed a waste of breath, / A waste of breath the years behind.” The temporal diction and reflective tone provoke readers to reflect upon their lives and its mundanity, just as Gregory “balanced all, brought all to mind” and thereby accepted his fate of death. Furthermore, “A lonely impulse of delight / Drove to this tumult in the clouds”, whereby the irony in joining WW1 for ‘delight’ presents the monotony of life, causing Gregory to accept his death: “In balance with this life, this death.” Therefore, the portrayal of an inevitable death contrasted against mundane life causes readers to reflect upon their own lives, hence enhancing an appreciation of the poem.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2017, 08:06:28 pm
Thanks for the feedback! So basically for mod C you need to make it obvious that they represent/symbolise/illustrate concepts?
Precisely - Through techniques. So, the composer makes choices to construct an idea for us (the audience), uses techniques to represent things in a particular way. That's what this Module is about - Representational choices, and how those choices impact on the audiences perceptions. Techniques are always important, but in Module C, arguably the most important of all three modules :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2017, 08:11:44 pm
Hi, just wondering if I'm able to get a paragraph looked at quickly, thanks in advance! (It's just a general paragraph not answering a question)
Sure thing ;D
Spoiler
Composers explore the mundanity of life by juxtaposing it with the inevitability of death for all humans. Nice, general, conceptual statement to start. This is how I would start my paragraphs - So I immediately love it. Ahaha. Yeats uses Gregory as a catalyst to illustrate this inherent balance between life and death as “he was the ideal vehicle for Yeats’ propaganda.” Nice use of quote. This perspective presented by Stephen Crane explains that Gregory allowed Yeats to address the common concern among humans of inevitable death ending everyday life. I'd rephrase slightly to "Yeats USES the character of Gregory to...". The inescapability of death is emphasised as “I know that I shall meet my fate”, whereby the certainty in ‘know’ reinforces the constant iambic tetrameter and unchanging rhyme scheme in four quatrains of ABAB. Nice use of multiple techniques there. This death is accepted by Gregory as he feels that “The years to come seemed a waste of breath, / A waste of breath the years behind.” You are focusing on the character here - Even though you go into techniques, you aren't really talking about the composer's choices. You are talking about the character. The temporal diction and reflective tone provoke readers to reflect upon their lives and its mundanity, just as Gregory “balanced all, brought all to mind” and thereby accepted his fate of death. Nice acknowledgement of audience, but again, it should have been how the composer USED Gregory to communicate this (and arguably not even that, just the techniques. Furthermore, “A lonely impulse of delight / Drove to this tumult in the clouds”, whereby the irony in joining WW1 for ‘delight’ presents the monotony of life, causing Gregory to accept his death: “In balance with this life, this death.” See how you are analysing the character here, rather than the idea the composer wants to communicate? Therefore, the portrayal of an inevitable death contrasted against mundane life causes readers to reflect upon their own lives, hence enhancing an appreciation of the poem. Nice concluding statement there.
Nice use of techniques, just need so shift focus away from the character and more to the conceptual ;D
Post by: damecj on June 07, 2017, 08:31:39 pm
I know I haven't reached the 15 post mark yet but I was just wondering if you could have a lot at this paragraph for me
Yeats’ exhibits a modernist provocative commentary about his uncertainty of the current world within his context. "The Second Coming" was written as a reaction to the chaos due to WWI, the Russian revolution, and most particularly, Ireland's movement into its post-colonial stage. In the ‘TSC’ Yeats avoids the lyrical devices used in ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’ and elects for direct images and a disjointed rhyme while using blank verse. The purpose of which is that the reader is off-balance and disoriented. The tempo builds to the climax and the end. The poem empowers Yeats as he undertakes a prophetic voice and explores the tumultuous anarchy that he believed signalled the devastation of civilisation and his desire for constancy. This is demonstrated in the first stanza as the centrifugal motion through repetition in "turning and turning" eventually degrades into prose: "the best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity". The effect draws attention to Yeats' political lamentations that the country is being steered towards chaos by those in power, and thus reveals his desire for stability. This is then followed by the religious allusion of “the ceremony of innocence” being “drowned” which suggests that political and societal change can de-humanise our most humanistic of tendencies and also eliminates the chance of any future cleansing or reconciliation of humanity taking place. Showing the reader that Yeats had grave concerns for the future of humanity. The anaphora of “Surely” in “Surely some revelation is at hand; surely the Second Coming is at hand” evokes a questioning tone, as he conveys that this disturbance to the status quo must be a sign of an apocalyptic-like world developing. These apocalyptic thoughts derive from the Christ like imagery, which very much enhances his modernist take. Ultimately, when considering the context of the changing times, Yeats’ modernist view on the poem of extreme and provocative repercussions, represent uncertainty into the direction of humanity.
Thank you very much!!
Post by: Wales on June 07, 2017, 09:32:45 pm
Hey guys,
I know I haven't reached the 15 post mark yet but I was just wondering if you could have a lot at this paragraph for me
Yeats’ exhibits a modernist provocative commentary about his uncertainty of the current world within his context. "The Second Coming" was written as a reaction to the chaos due to WWI, the Russian revolution, and most particularly, Ireland's movement into its post-colonial stage. In the ‘TSC’ Yeats avoids the lyrical devices used in ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’ and elects for direct images and a disjointed rhyme while using blank verse. The purpose of which is that the reader is off-balance and disoriented. The tempo builds to the climax and the end. The poem empowers Yeats as he undertakes a prophetic voice and explores the tumultuous anarchy that he believed signalled the devastation of civilisation and his desire for constancy. This is demonstrated in the first stanza as the centrifugal motion through repetition in "turning and turning" eventually degrades into prose: "the best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity". The effect draws attention to Yeats' political lamentations that the country is being steered towards chaos by those in power, and thus reveals his desire for stability. This is then followed by the religious allusion of “the ceremony of innocence” being “drowned” which suggests that political and societal change can de-humanise our most humanistic of tendencies and also eliminates the chance of any future cleansing or reconciliation of humanity taking place. Showing the reader that Yeats had grave concerns for the future of humanity. The anaphora of “Surely” in “Surely some revelation is at hand; surely the Second Coming is at hand” evokes a questioning tone, as he conveys that this disturbance to the status quo must be a sign of an apocalyptic-like world developing. These apocalyptic thoughts derive from the Christ like imagery, which very much enhances his modernist take. Ultimately, when considering the context of the changing times, Yeats’ modernist view on the poem of extreme and provocative repercussions, represent uncertainty into the direction of humanity.
Thank you very much!!
A quick read but I think your paragraph is quite good. You've sustained your thesis statement throughout the paragraph. Concisely explained the effects of his poetic devices and linked it to the thesis. I would get rid of "our" as I believe the use of second person is not allowed in essays and possibly refine a few transitions between your arguments, specifically " as the centrifugal motion through repetition" sounds rather out of place for an english essay and the phrase simply sounds awkward. (wouldn't it be centripetal force too? correct me if I'm wrong physicians :P ). I didn't use TSC for my Yeats essay so I won't comment much on the content but indeed it does make sense and is effective.
Do you have a question for this essay? It might make it easier to judge if you provide an essay question to structure around.
Otherwise, you've made a very cohesive and eloquent paragraph,far better then my essay :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 07, 2017, 11:09:00 pm
omg yes elyse i would love you to mark my essay C - it's mod B too and i think its the best one ive done. thanks soo much for all the help, and what is my post count btw?
You've used 45 posts at the moment - so you've already got enough posts to get more feedback. So you'd like Module B and C marked? Can you attach them both in a comment and then I'll get to it :)
Post by: pikachu975 on June 08, 2017, 01:33:23 am
Sure thing ;DSpoilerComposers explore the mundanity of life by juxtaposing it with the inevitability of death for all humans. Nice, general, conceptual statement to start. This is how I would start my paragraphs - So I immediately love it. Ahaha. Yeats uses Gregory as a catalyst to illustrate this inherent balance between life and death as “he was the ideal vehicle for Yeats’ propaganda.” Nice use of quote. This perspective presented by Stephen Crane explains that Gregory allowed Yeats to address the common concern among humans of inevitable death ending everyday life. I'd rephrase slightly to "Yeats USES the character of Gregory to...". The inescapability of death is emphasised as “I know that I shall meet my fate”, whereby the certainty in ‘know’ reinforces the constant iambic tetrameter and unchanging rhyme scheme in four quatrains of ABAB. Nice use of multiple techniques there. This death is accepted by Gregory as he feels that “The years to come seemed a waste of breath, / A waste of breath the years behind.” You are focusing on the character here - Even though you go into techniques, you aren't really talking about the composer's choices. You are talking about the character. The temporal diction and reflective tone provoke readers to reflect upon their lives and its mundanity, just as Gregory “balanced all, brought all to mind” and thereby accepted his fate of death. Nice acknowledgement of audience, but again, it should have been how the composer USED Gregory to communicate this (and arguably not even that, just the techniques. Furthermore, “A lonely impulse of delight / Drove to this tumult in the clouds”, whereby the irony in joining WW1 for ‘delight’ presents the monotony of life, causing Gregory to accept his death: “In balance with this life, this death.” See how you are analysing the character here, rather than the idea the composer wants to communicate? Therefore, the portrayal of an inevitable death contrasted against mundane life causes readers to reflect upon their own lives, hence enhancing an appreciation of the poem. Nice concluding statement there.
Nice use of techniques, just need so shift focus away from the character and more to the conceptual ;D
Thanks for the help, just wondering how would you use the same quotes but make it sound more conceptual/shift away from the character? Just a bit confused as to how to do it
Post by: beau77bro on June 08, 2017, 07:48:45 pm
Post by: bethr on June 08, 2017, 09:52:23 pm
I have a Mod A assessment in two weeks. For which we only started studying the texts this week! (The Great Gatsby and EBB'S sonnets.) I'm a little overwhelmed as I am still not really understanding what the module requires us to do. Nevertheless, I wrote an essay for the 2016 HSC question. Could I get you to look at it and tell me 1) if I'm answering the question and am showing my understanding of the module and 2) roughly what mark you think it'd be. I've been getting very low marks for English this year and I don't really know how to improve.
Thank you!
Spoiler
An exploration of intertextual perspectives reveals the relationship between context and key values
Discuss this view with detailed reference to the extracts below and your pair of prescribed texts
‘You see, I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad things that happened to me.’
(from The Great Gatsby)
Nay, let the silence of my womanhood
Commend my woman-love to thy belief,
Seeing that I stand unwon (however wooed)
And rend the garment of my life in brief
By a most dauntless, voiceless fortitude,
Lest one touch of this heart convey its grief.
(from Sonnets from the Portuguese – XIII)
An individual’s exploration of two texts can allow them to understand how context provides depth in revealing its key values. Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s ‘Sonnet XIII’ unveils how her society’s values stemmed from the strict moralities of the Victorian Era. Contrastingly, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1922 novel, The Great Gatsby accentuates the relationship between his context and the society’s consumeristic values. In two culturally rich times, the texts unite in their exploration of the power of love and how it can be either compromised or intensified by societal aspirations.
In its representation of love, Sonnet XIII demonstrates how the Victorian Era influenced the perception of true love. True love was subjected to the concept of courtly love - which is most notably associated with Medieval times. However, it was revived during the Victorian Era. Courtly love reflects the strict morality of the Victorian Era as it was founded on the belief that women were spiritually and physically superior to men. Ironically, women were ‘to let the silence of my womanhood’ condemn them as they were expected to abide by the codes of chivalry. The caesura and personal pronoun ‘my’ establishes the active, female voice of the sonnet. By doing so, she challenges her society and affirms a relationship between her context and its key values. Barrett Browning further communicates the strict morality of her Victorian society in the alliterative paradox of, ‘seeing that I stand unwon (however wooed).’ The parenthesis exemplifies how her expression of her passionate love for Browning is restricted by her society’s aspirations for her to be the perfect Victorian woman. She represents how the relationship between her society and its values have ‘rend the garment of my life.’ The motif of the personal pronoun ‘my’ reaffirms her active, female voice, illustrating how she pursues to challenge her society. The visual imagery of the torn garment is symbolic of how her society and its expectations of her as a woman have limited her and her expression of her love – which of course is ironic given she wrote forty-four sonnets to express her love to Browning. Barrett Browning’s representation of her society successfully demonstrates the relationship between a society and its beliefs.
Similarly, Fitzgerald expresses how the roaring 20’s had greatly influenced love. However, traditional love, as expressed in Barrett Browning’s ‘Sonnet XIII’ was overthrown by society’s consumeristic values. Fitzgerald challenges these values through the characterisation of his protagonist, Gatsby. Gatsby initially believed that chasing the ‘American Dream’ and define himself his status and wealth would allow him to attain a more traditional love, with Daisy. Gatsby’s lavish parties, extravagant house and alliterative ‘caramel coloured suit’ in juxtaposition to the sibilance of his ‘shiftless and unsuccessful’ upbringing highlight this and the prevailing, consumeristic values of the 20s. However, Fitzgerald challenges his modernist audience in identifying how their consumeristic aspirations compromise their traditional values of love. Despite achieving what most could only dream of, Gatsby’s life remains vacuous, as symbolised through the ‘single green light.’ The adjective, ‘single’ has connotations of isolation and is carried as a motif throughout the text. ‘You see, I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad things that happened to me.’ I don’t see what a technique in this is? The use of _____ further reinforces how Fitzgerald challenges society’s consumeristic values and makes his audience question what fulfilment the American Dream provides.
To conclude, the exploration of Barrett Browning’s Sonnet XIII and Fitzgerald’s novel The Great Gatsby allows us to understand the relationship between their contexts and values. A close of the texts establishes how the prevailing values of their context influence the way in which the authors choose to write. But, despite their vastly differing contexts, they similarly explore how the values of their society either compromise or intensify the importance of love.
Discuss this view with detailed reference to the extracts below and your pair of prescribed texts
‘You see, I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad things that happened to me.’
(from The Great Gatsby)
Nay, let the silence of my womanhood
Commend my woman-love to thy belief,
Seeing that I stand unwon (however wooed)
And rend the garment of my life in brief
By a most dauntless, voiceless fortitude,
Lest one touch of this heart convey its grief.
(from Sonnets from the Portuguese – XIII)
An individual’s exploration of two texts can allow them to understand how context provides depth in revealing its key values. Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s ‘Sonnet XIII’ unveils how her society’s values stemmed from the strict moralities of the Victorian Era. Contrastingly, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1922 novel, The Great Gatsby accentuates the relationship between his context and the society’s consumeristic values. In two culturally rich times, the texts unite in their exploration of the power of love and how it can be either compromised or intensified by societal aspirations.
In its representation of love, Sonnet XIII demonstrates how the Victorian Era influenced the perception of true love. True love was subjected to the concept of courtly love - which is most notably associated with Medieval times. However, it was revived during the Victorian Era. Courtly love reflects the strict morality of the Victorian Era as it was founded on the belief that women were spiritually and physically superior to men. Ironically, women were ‘to let the silence of my womanhood’ condemn them as they were expected to abide by the codes of chivalry. The caesura and personal pronoun ‘my’ establishes the active, female voice of the sonnet. By doing so, she challenges her society and affirms a relationship between her context and its key values. Barrett Browning further communicates the strict morality of her Victorian society in the alliterative paradox of, ‘seeing that I stand unwon (however wooed).’ The parenthesis exemplifies how her expression of her passionate love for Browning is restricted by her society’s aspirations for her to be the perfect Victorian woman. She represents how the relationship between her society and its values have ‘rend the garment of my life.’ The motif of the personal pronoun ‘my’ reaffirms her active, female voice, illustrating how she pursues to challenge her society. The visual imagery of the torn garment is symbolic of how her society and its expectations of her as a woman have limited her and her expression of her love – which of course is ironic given she wrote forty-four sonnets to express her love to Browning. Barrett Browning’s representation of her society successfully demonstrates the relationship between a society and its beliefs.
Similarly, Fitzgerald expresses how the roaring 20’s had greatly influenced love. However, traditional love, as expressed in Barrett Browning’s ‘Sonnet XIII’ was overthrown by society’s consumeristic values. Fitzgerald challenges these values through the characterisation of his protagonist, Gatsby. Gatsby initially believed that chasing the ‘American Dream’ and define himself his status and wealth would allow him to attain a more traditional love, with Daisy. Gatsby’s lavish parties, extravagant house and alliterative ‘caramel coloured suit’ in juxtaposition to the sibilance of his ‘shiftless and unsuccessful’ upbringing highlight this and the prevailing, consumeristic values of the 20s. However, Fitzgerald challenges his modernist audience in identifying how their consumeristic aspirations compromise their traditional values of love. Despite achieving what most could only dream of, Gatsby’s life remains vacuous, as symbolised through the ‘single green light.’ The adjective, ‘single’ has connotations of isolation and is carried as a motif throughout the text. ‘You see, I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad things that happened to me.’ I don’t see what a technique in this is? The use of _____ further reinforces how Fitzgerald challenges society’s consumeristic values and makes his audience question what fulfilment the American Dream provides.
To conclude, the exploration of Barrett Browning’s Sonnet XIII and Fitzgerald’s novel The Great Gatsby allows us to understand the relationship between their contexts and values. A close of the texts establishes how the prevailing values of their context influence the way in which the authors choose to write. But, despite their vastly differing contexts, they similarly explore how the values of their society either compromise or intensify the importance of love.
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 10, 2017, 04:18:31 am
Hi!
I have a Mod A assessment in two weeks. For which we only started studying the texts this week! (The Great Gatsby and EBB'S sonnets.) I'm a little overwhelmed as I am still not really understanding what the module requires us to do. Nevertheless, I wrote an essay for the 2016 HSC question. Could I get you to look at it and tell me 1) if I'm answering the question and am showing my understanding of the module and 2) roughly what mark you think it'd be. I've been getting very low marks for English this year and I don't really know how to improve.
Thank you!
Hey Beth! Welcome to the forums :) We have a policy requiring 15 posts on the forums (helping others, asking questions, chatting in general discussion), in order to receive a full piece marked. If you've got something you'd like us to specifically look at, of course feel free to post your thesis statements for critiquing, or your introduction, and we can give you quick feedback on that in the mean time so you have any idea about the track you're on :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 10, 2017, 05:34:38 am
hey elyse, im fine with just this refined mod B essay being checked/getting feed back on it. the other essay is ok, but i feel if i can make this one better i will learn the most about making a solid essay. im pretty sure this is the edited version. thankyou very much.
Hey Beau! I wrote feedback to this essay while I was on a plane today, so here's the feedback delivered from somewhere above the Mediterranean Sea ;)
Spoiler
Question: C. Rossetti’s poetry has been described as being ‘valued for its lyricism, clarity of expression, and emotional intensity and complexity.’ To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of her poetry.
Just a heads up, there's a lot of words in this question that you need to address - and that's no easy task!
Rossetti’s assessment of thematical and societal issues relating to the Victorian era remain relevant due to how she explores them,that is her through her unique and insightful use of the medium to convey important ideas about the human condition. I can see why you've lumped this all together, the thought process makes sense. But, I think I struggle to take all of this in because it's quite long - and the part about her using her medium is obvious, and the human condition doesn't really say a whole lot, everyone uses it. So the last part of the sentence doesn't really pack a punch like the first part does! This can be seen explicitly as her use of language to present meaning, as well as the complex characters and relationships she explores to contribute and develop important facets of human emotions and qualities. Her use of literary techniques and character development helps her explore fundamental human issues and qualities such as the hypocritical standards of society, the faulty perception of issues in society and the flaws in the subjective nature of societal divisions. The use of "her" doesn't really sit well when I'm reading it - I think it lowers modality and really treats the writer like she's your pal. I'd go back to "the composer" or call her by her surname. The perceptive use of techniques and characterisation to me, this is a bit unnecessary. I'm assuming that you'll talk about techniques in your essay whether you identify that you will in your introduction or not. I think it just makes your essay a little more downgraded in terms of sophistication, although it is definitely better than listing the techniques. I'd just cull this bit - save you on word count and sophistication :) contribute to Rossetti’s exploration of the societal and human issue of hypocrisy. She explores the concept of hypocrisy through her comparisons and contrast between glorified standards and unfortunate reality. Choosing to represent these through her characterisation of (and interactions between) individuals, as well as overarching ideas woven into the language and narratives of her work. A better idea, perhaps, than discussing the techniques is to talk about the textual integrity of her oeuvre. This way, you're encompassing everything about the oeuvre in the term!
Start this one off with a topic sentence - discuss the notion you want to bring forward. Your essay question doesn't do it for you this time, so instead you need to choose themes to explore yourself and then engage with the question in the exploration of your new angle :) The exploration of religious morals in goblin market, through the biblical allegory of jesus’ sacrifice in the line ‘for your sake, I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin men’ where the goblins and fruit in the story represent sin, allows Rossetti to question how society views and perceives morals/ethics across time. Big long sentence - time to split it :) In the context of female degradation, Rossetti implies that biblical values and teachings regarding how people treat each other should be applied equally to both genders by representing an extended biblical allegory in a purely female world. However, rossetti capital letter :) reveals in practice men are not subject to the same punishment women are, highlighting the irony that the many-faced, demonic goblin men elude any divine punishment. Another long sentence. Every now and then it's ok, but when you're losing the essence of your discussion because it's too hard to follow, that's when we need to change it up :) Rossetti contrastingly uses the paradoxical imagery of ‘burn her fire away’ along the simple idiom ‘knocking on death’s door’ to emphasise the female characters punishment for her sins, reflecting the way women are hypocritically punished for the same religious and moral deceits that demon men are not. This same sentiment is repeated in ‘Light Love’ by the composer’s use of rhetorical question in the last lines ‘does god forget?’ through which Rossetti emphasises the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice they will face. Rossetti raises the comparison that god does not see this as pure or moral and challenges why does society condones it. Rossetti also explores an innate irony through the juxtaposition of characters and values: the loyal mother who ‘ne’er [had] another love’ is left alone whereas the cheating man is allowed by society to ignore his commitments to this woman and take another bride. The mother’s ‘pang of shame and pain’ develops the reader’s empathy towards the betrayed character, allowing for further emphasis that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation. ...valued for its lyricism, clarity of expression, and emotional intensity and complexity. I just want to remind you at this point of the essay question. Admittedly, this one is a difficult one to work with! But, I think you need to work to engage with the words of the question a little bit more, lyricism, emotional intensity, complexity...these are the words that will ring ding ding ding to a marker to show you're making a conscious effort of engaging with the question rather than going in prepared with another response.
Rossetti challenges the way in which society idealises expectations and ignores the reality of issues, delving into the aspects of human nature that contribute to these issues and their ramifications. This bit isn't clear. I've read it a few times and I'm just not sure what the exact intention of this part of the work is. No doubt you have purpose, I just can't quite identify this part! If you are unsure of how to reword it, post back and explain what you're trying to say and I can lend a hand :)
Particularly, Rossetti contrasts the perception of lust and love in society against the reality that women face. Throughout ‘Goblin Market’ the allure of temptation, represented by the fruits, is progressively built up by the seductive rhythm and repetition of ‘come buy’ as well as the vast accumulation of the ‘plump peck’d’ alliteration in both of these examples! and ‘full and fine’ fruits, making them almost seem irresistible. This reinforces the attractive nature of temptation, which society believes to be a passive moral obstacle to overcome. nice! However, rossetti represents the reality of temptation as active, through the analogy of the goblin males forceful attempts to ‘cram’ temptation upon the maid. This contrast is aimed to illustrate male lust as an active source of corruption in society, rather than a trap weak willed, or curious women fail to avoid, allowing rossetti to indirectly criticise the audiences misconceptions. However, Rossetti most directly addresses the issue in the second two lines of LEL, where the broken meter emphasises the different between ‘downstairs’ where ‘she jests with all’ and the ‘silent’ ‘solitary room above’ followed by the epigraph to highlight that in public she is expected to feel loved and be happy, but in reality she is alone and feels no love. Another long winded sentence. Needs trimming :) This distinction between truth and expectation is further exemplified in the antithetical statements: ‘I feel no spring… I find no nest… all love, are loved, save only I’ explicitly reflecting the way women’s emotions are often neglected, and emphasising the façade people put on. She challenges the preconceptions of society and illustrates that reality is far more complex and wrought with issues simply due to the complicated nature of human beings.
This intrinsic meaning is derived from her expert use of language and development of deep and relatable human characters.
Body paragraph 3 (MAPLE)
Rossetti explores how people are classed and separated based on arbitrary standards, rooted in prejudices that effect how humans subjectively consider issues.
She challenges the blurred division through her distinct comparison of characters that represent both outcasts and appraised standards in society, drawing similarities between the two and lending value to the abhorred character to question why one is given value over the other.
Rossetti presents the two sisters in “Goblin Market” as nearly identical, except Laura is characterised as curious to explore human desire, whereas Lizzie is shown to represent caution and fidelity. Rossetti passionately redeems Laura, with the recurring motif of fire used to represent the flames of her virtues ‘overb[earing] the lesser flame’ of her sin. In doing so Rossetti highlights that corruption of women is not indefinite and that fallen women have the capacity to overcome their sins and desires to return to a pure moral state. By illustrating through an intense almost biblical ‘rebirth’, that people can be saved, Rossetti challenges the idea that people are defined by their actions permanently, proposing instead the complex nature of humans is not static, or defined by one attribute. Rossetti undertakes a more direct comparison of archetypes in ‘Light Love’, comparing the forgotten mother to the sexual ‘blooming’ and ‘ripening’ woman of the man’s desire. By contrasting the loyalty of ‘ne’er [having] another love’ and characterising the other woman as a purely sexual desire that ‘reddens’ to the man’s ‘delight’ Rossetti generates sympathy towards the mother’s situation. The value and empathy towards the mother that Rossetti stirs in the reader helps confront why women are blamed and punished for their situation despite men failing to abide by societal standards. revealing the issue that people are classed based upon assumptions and prejudice, rather than true consideration of their moral value.
Through her illustration of characters to visibly develop her issue with societal divisions, rossetti questions the intrinsic and complex issues humans face and indirectly produce.
Just a heads up, there's a lot of words in this question that you need to address - and that's no easy task!
Rossetti’s assessment of thematical and societal issues relating to the Victorian era remain relevant due to how she explores them,
Start this one off with a topic sentence - discuss the notion you want to bring forward. Your essay question doesn't do it for you this time, so instead you need to choose themes to explore yourself and then engage with the question in the exploration of your new angle :) The exploration of religious morals in goblin market, through the biblical allegory of jesus’ sacrifice in the line ‘for your sake, I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin men’ where the goblins and fruit in the story represent sin, allows Rossetti to question how society views and perceives morals/ethics across time. Big long sentence - time to split it :) In the context of female degradation, Rossetti implies that biblical values and teachings regarding how people treat each other should be applied equally to both genders by representing an extended biblical allegory in a purely female world. However, rossetti capital letter :) reveals in practice men are not subject to the same punishment women are, highlighting the irony that the many-faced, demonic goblin men elude any divine punishment. Another long sentence. Every now and then it's ok, but when you're losing the essence of your discussion because it's too hard to follow, that's when we need to change it up :) Rossetti contrastingly uses the paradoxical imagery of ‘burn her fire away’ along the simple idiom ‘knocking on death’s door’ to emphasise the female characters punishment for her sins, reflecting the way women are hypocritically punished for the same religious and moral deceits that demon men are not. This same sentiment is repeated in ‘Light Love’ by the composer’s use of rhetorical question in the last lines ‘does god forget?’ through which Rossetti emphasises the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice they will face. Rossetti raises the comparison that god does not see this as pure or moral and challenges why does society condones it. Rossetti also explores an innate irony through the juxtaposition of characters and values: the loyal mother who ‘ne’er [had] another love’ is left alone whereas the cheating man is allowed by society to ignore his commitments to this woman and take another bride. The mother’s ‘pang of shame and pain’ develops the reader’s empathy towards the betrayed character, allowing for further emphasis that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation. ...valued for its lyricism, clarity of expression, and emotional intensity and complexity. I just want to remind you at this point of the essay question. Admittedly, this one is a difficult one to work with! But, I think you need to work to engage with the words of the question a little bit more, lyricism, emotional intensity, complexity...these are the words that will ring ding ding ding to a marker to show you're making a conscious effort of engaging with the question rather than going in prepared with another response.
Rossetti challenges the way
Particularly, Rossetti contrasts the perception of lust and love in society against the reality that women face. Throughout ‘Goblin Market’ the allure of temptation, represented by the fruits, is progressively built up by the seductive rhythm and repetition of ‘come buy’ as well as the vast accumulation of the ‘plump peck’d’ alliteration in both of these examples! and ‘full and fine’ fruits, making them almost seem irresistible. This reinforces the attractive nature of temptation, which society believes to be a passive moral obstacle to overcome. nice! However, rossetti represents the reality of temptation as active, through the analogy of the goblin males forceful attempts to ‘cram’ temptation upon the maid. This contrast is aimed to illustrate male lust as an active source of corruption in society, rather than a trap weak willed, or curious women fail to avoid, allowing rossetti to indirectly criticise the audiences misconceptions. However, Rossetti most directly addresses the issue in the second two lines of LEL, where the broken meter emphasises the different between ‘downstairs’ where ‘she jests with all’ and the ‘silent’ ‘solitary room above’ followed by the epigraph to highlight that in public she is expected to feel loved and be happy, but in reality she is alone and feels no love. Another long winded sentence. Needs trimming :) This distinction between truth and expectation is further exemplified in the antithetical statements: ‘I feel no spring… I find no nest… all love, are loved, save only I’ explicitly reflecting the way women’s emotions are often neglected, and emphasising the façade people put on. She challenges the preconceptions of society and illustrates that reality is far more complex and wrought with issues simply due to the complicated nature of human beings.
This intrinsic meaning is derived from her expert use of language and development of deep and relatable human characters.
Body paragraph 3 (MAPLE)
Rossetti explores how people are classed and separated based on arbitrary standards, rooted in prejudices that effect how humans subjectively consider issues.
She challenges the blurred division through her distinct comparison of characters that represent both outcasts and appraised standards in society, drawing similarities between the two and lending value to the abhorred character to question why one is given value over the other.
Rossetti presents the two sisters in “Goblin Market” as nearly identical, except Laura is characterised as curious to explore human desire, whereas Lizzie is shown to represent caution and fidelity. Rossetti passionately redeems Laura, with the recurring motif of fire used to represent the flames of her virtues ‘overb[earing] the lesser flame’ of her sin. In doing so Rossetti highlights that corruption of women is not indefinite and that fallen women have the capacity to overcome their sins and desires to return to a pure moral state. By illustrating through an intense almost biblical ‘rebirth’, that people can be saved, Rossetti challenges the idea that people are defined by their actions permanently, proposing instead the complex nature of humans is not static, or defined by one attribute. Rossetti undertakes a more direct comparison of archetypes in ‘Light Love’, comparing the forgotten mother to the sexual ‘blooming’ and ‘ripening’ woman of the man’s desire. By contrasting the loyalty of ‘ne’er [having] another love’ and characterising the other woman as a purely sexual desire that ‘reddens’ to the man’s ‘delight’ Rossetti generates sympathy towards the mother’s situation. The value and empathy towards the mother that Rossetti stirs in the reader helps confront why women are blamed and punished for their situation despite men failing to abide by societal standards. revealing the issue that people are classed based upon assumptions and prejudice, rather than true consideration of their moral value.
Through her illustration of characters to visibly develop her issue with societal divisions, rossetti questions the intrinsic and complex issues humans face and indirectly produce.
Something I noticed as an improvement immediately is the way you're capitalising proper nouns now. Hooray! But, I'm seeing a few issues in the work that I've seen in your other essay - and I think the cause of it is the scaffold structure you're using. The scaffold works and that's fine, but when it comes to the way the sentences flow, you really need to take it out of the scaffold and look at it in relation to the sentences surrounding. Read the work out loud to see when sentences are too long and you feel like you need to take a breathe. The problem I find with sentences too long is just that you lose the credit you deserve because as it goes on, I find it harder to maintain the connections you're making - I forget what happened at the start of the sentence by the time I get to the end. Also in feedback, I think we need to engage with the question more. I think I even said this about your last essay, but you're being given some odd essay questions! This is no exception. You do a really good job at bringing up your own themes to explore, I liked the originality. That's a huge bonus to your work. But the engagement with the question needs more work. Start by embedding the words into your response - because your dealing with the ideas in an indirect manner, just not explicit enough. I use to colour code my work, one colour for techniques, one for quotes, one for addressing the question, etc. Then I compared the colour splattering between the paragraphs to make sure that I was giving a balanced argument throughout the work! I'm sure you can benefit from this too - especially because I know you have the scaffold there so by taking it out of that one and putting it into a sort of colour-coded new one, you'll be able to see where the essay lacks and where it's strong. This essay has space for improvement, but you've definitely got the foundations down pat. It's just a matter of bulking and trimming, refining and growing :)
Post by: beau77bro on June 10, 2017, 10:21:52 am
Hey Beau! I wrote feedback to this essay while I was on a plane today, so here's the feedback delivered from somewhere above the Mediterranean Sea ;)SpoilerQuestion: C. Rossetti’s poetry has been described as being ‘valued for its lyricism, clarity of expression, and emotional intensity and complexity.’ To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of her poetry.
Just a heads up, there's a lot of words in this question that you need to address - and that's no easy task!
Rossetti’s assessment of thematical and societal issues relating to the Victorian era remain relevant due to how she explores them,that is herthrough her unique and insightful use of the medium to convey important ideas about the human condition. I can see why you've lumped this all together, the thought process makes sense. But, I think I struggle to take all of this in because it's quite long - and the part about her using her medium is obvious, and the human condition doesn't really say a whole lot, everyone uses it. So the last part of the sentence doesn't really pack a punch like the first part does! This can be seen explicitly as her use of language to present meaning, as well as the complex characters and relationships she explores to contribute and develop important facets of human emotions and qualities. Her use of literary techniques and character development helps her explore fundamental human issues and qualities such as the hypocritical standards of society, the faulty perception of issues in society and the flaws in the subjective nature of societal divisions. The use of "her" doesn't really sit well when I'm reading it - I think it lowers modality and really treats the writer like she's your pal. I'd go back to "the composer" or call her by her surname. The perceptive use of techniques and characterisation to me, this is a bit unnecessary. I'm assuming that you'll talk about techniques in your essay whether you identify that you will in your introduction or not. I think it just makes your essay a little more downgraded in terms of sophistication, although it is definitely better than listing the techniques. I'd just cull this bit - save you on word count and sophistication :) contribute to Rossetti’s exploration of the societal and human issue of hypocrisy. She explores the concept of hypocrisy through her comparisons and contrast between glorified standards and unfortunate reality. Choosing to represent these through her characterisation of (and interactions between) individuals, as well as overarching ideas woven into the language and narratives of her work. A better idea, perhaps, than discussing the techniques is to talk about the textual integrity of her oeuvre. This way, you're encompassing everything about the oeuvre in the term!
Start this one off with a topic sentence - discuss the notion you want to bring forward. Your essay question doesn't do it for you this time, so instead you need to choose themes to explore yourself and then engage with the question in the exploration of your new angle :) The exploration of religious morals in goblin market, through the biblical allegory of jesus’ sacrifice in the line ‘for your sake, I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin men’ where the goblins and fruit in the story represent sin, allows Rossetti to question how society views and perceives morals/ethics across time. Big long sentence - time to split it :) In the context of female degradation, Rossetti implies that biblical values and teachings regarding how people treat each other should be applied equally to both genders by representing an extended biblical allegory in a purely female world. However, rossetti capital letter :) reveals in practice men are not subject to the same punishment women are, highlighting the irony that the many-faced, demonic goblin men elude any divine punishment. Another long sentence. Every now and then it's ok, but when you're losing the essence of your discussion because it's too hard to follow, that's when we need to change it up :) Rossetti contrastingly uses the paradoxical imagery of ‘burn her fire away’ along the simple idiom ‘knocking on death’s door’ to emphasise the female characters punishment for her sins, reflecting the way women are hypocritically punished for the same religious and moral deceits that demon men are not. This same sentiment is repeated in ‘Light Love’ by the composer’s use of rhetorical question in the last lines ‘does god forget?’ through which Rossetti emphasises the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice they will face. Rossetti raises the comparison that god does not see this as pure or moral and challenges why does society condones it. Rossetti also explores an innate irony through the juxtaposition of characters and values: the loyal mother who ‘ne’er [had] another love’ is left alone whereas the cheating man is allowed by society to ignore his commitments to this woman and take another bride. The mother’s ‘pang of shame and pain’ develops the reader’s empathy towards the betrayed character, allowing for further emphasis that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation. ...valued for its lyricism, clarity of expression, and emotional intensity and complexity. I just want to remind you at this point of the essay question. Admittedly, this one is a difficult one to work with! But, I think you need to work to engage with the words of the question a little bit more, lyricism, emotional intensity, complexity...these are the words that will ring ding ding ding to a marker to show you're making a conscious effort of engaging with the question rather than going in prepared with another response.
Rossetti challenges the wayin whichsociety idealises expectations and ignores the reality of issues, delving into the aspects of human nature that contribute to these issues and their ramifications. This bit isn't clear. I've read it a few times and I'm just not sure what the exact intention of this part of the work is. No doubt you have purpose, I just can't quite identify this part! If you are unsure of how to reword it, post back and explain what you're trying to say and I can lend a hand :)
Particularly, Rossetti contrasts the perception of lust and love in society against the reality that women face. Throughout ‘Goblin Market’ the allure of temptation, represented by the fruits, is progressively built up by the seductive rhythm and repetition of ‘come buy’ as well as the vast accumulation of the ‘plump peck’d’ alliteration in both of these examples! and ‘full and fine’ fruits, making them almost seem irresistible. This reinforces the attractive nature of temptation, which society believes to be a passive moral obstacle to overcome. nice! However, rossetti represents the reality of temptation as active, through the analogy of the goblin males forceful attempts to ‘cram’ temptation upon the maid. This contrast is aimed to illustrate male lust as an active source of corruption in society, rather than a trap weak willed, or curious women fail to avoid, allowing rossetti to indirectly criticise the audiences misconceptions. However, Rossetti most directly addresses the issue in the second two lines of LEL, where the broken meter emphasises the different between ‘downstairs’ where ‘she jests with all’ and the ‘silent’ ‘solitary room above’ followed by the epigraph to highlight that in public she is expected to feel loved and be happy, but in reality she is alone and feels no love. Another long winded sentence. Needs trimming :) This distinction between truth and expectation is further exemplified in the antithetical statements: ‘I feel no spring… I find no nest… all love, are loved, save only I’ explicitly reflecting the way women’s emotions are often neglected, and emphasising the façade people put on. She challenges the preconceptions of society and illustrates that reality is far more complex and wrought with issues simply due to the complicated nature of human beings.
This intrinsic meaning is derived from her expert use of language and development of deep and relatable human characters.
Body paragraph 3 (MAPLE)
Rossetti explores how people are classed and separated based on arbitrary standards, rooted in prejudices that effect how humans subjectively consider issues.
She challenges the blurred division through her distinct comparison of characters that represent both outcasts and appraised standards in society, drawing similarities between the two and lending value to the abhorred character to question why one is given value over the other.
Rossetti presents the two sisters in “Goblin Market” as nearly identical, except Laura is characterised as curious to explore human desire, whereas Lizzie is shown to represent caution and fidelity. Rossetti passionately redeems Laura, with the recurring motif of fire used to represent the flames of her virtues ‘overb[earing] the lesser flame’ of her sin. In doing so Rossetti highlights that corruption of women is not indefinite and that fallen women have the capacity to overcome their sins and desires to return to a pure moral state. By illustrating through an intense almost biblical ‘rebirth’, that people can be saved, Rossetti challenges the idea that people are defined by their actions permanently, proposing instead the complex nature of humans is not static, or defined by one attribute. Rossetti undertakes a more direct comparison of archetypes in ‘Light Love’, comparing the forgotten mother to the sexual ‘blooming’ and ‘ripening’ woman of the man’s desire. By contrasting the loyalty of ‘ne’er [having] another love’ and characterising the other woman as a purely sexual desire that ‘reddens’ to the man’s ‘delight’ Rossetti generates sympathy towards the mother’s situation. The value and empathy towards the mother that Rossetti stirs in the reader helps confront why women are blamed and punished for their situation despite men failing to abide by societal standards. revealing the issue that people are classed based upon assumptions and prejudice, rather than true consideration of their moral value.
Through her illustration of characters to visibly develop her issue with societal divisions, rossetti questions the intrinsic and complex issues humans face and indirectly produce.
Something I noticed as an improvement immediately is the way you're capitalising proper nouns now. Hooray! But, I'm seeing a few issues in the work that I've seen in your other essay - and I think the cause of it is the scaffold structure you're using. The scaffold works and that's fine, but when it comes to the way the sentences flow, you really need to take it out of the scaffold and look at it in relation to the sentences surrounding. Read the work out loud to see when sentences are too long and you feel like you need to take a breathe. The problem I find with sentences too long is just that you lose the credit you deserve because as it goes on, I find it harder to maintain the connections you're making - I forget what happened at the start of the sentence by the time I get to the end. Also in feedback, I think we need to engage with the question more. I think I even said this about your last essay, but you're being given some odd essay questions! This is no exception. You do a really good job at bringing up your own themes to explore, I liked the originality. That's a huge bonus to your work. But the engagement with the question needs more work. Start by embedding the words into your response - because your dealing with the ideas in an indirect manner, just not explicit enough. I use to colour code my work, one colour for techniques, one for quotes, one for addressing the question, etc. Then I compared the colour splattering between the paragraphs to make sure that I was giving a balanced argument throughout the work! I'm sure you can benefit from this too - especially because I know you have the scaffold there so by taking it out of that one and putting it into a sort of colour-coded new one, you'll be able to see where the essay lacks and where it's strong. This essay has space for improvement, but you've definitely got the foundations down pat. It's just a matter of bulking and trimming, refining and growing :)
will do elyse!!! im taking it out of the scaffold now, i will get back to you with a new and improved essay, after my next couple of assessments, this and a couple of other essays are my main priority so thankyou very much for all the help. the colour coding sounds so helpful, i appreciate all the great advice and feedback - i will work at beig more succinct and direct.
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 10, 2017, 06:14:58 pm
will do elyse!!! im taking it out of the scaffold now, i will get back to you with a new and improved essay, after my next couple of assessments, this and a couple of other essays are my main priority so thankyou very much for all the help. the colour coding sounds so helpful, i appreciate all the great advice and feedback - i will work at beig more succinct and direct.
Awesome! Prioritise however you need to :) I'm really keen to see your essays out of the scaffold so we can work specifically on the flow. Hear from you soon :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on June 12, 2017, 01:24:27 am
For this question as there are 2 texts being required to be responded to I have not written a introduction but simply a separate paragraph for each text.
I have also approached each paragraph differently. I was wondering which way would be the best to follow to answer this question?
This is a practice for an in class assessment where I will only have a max of 20mins to write a response (an hour to answer 3 questions altogether)
Spoiler
Q1 Briefly explain how the genre of the text has influenced the perspective offered in two of the three texts.
The autobiographical extract for ‘Unpolished Gem’ encapsulates a first generation migrant perspective towards integrating into a first world country full of luxuries that are commonly exempt from underprivileged people living in Cambodia. This extract utilises generic conventions of a autobiography to depict this perspective through the use of anecdotes and first person point of view to highlight the curiosity and astonishment of first generation migrants towards integrating into Australia. Colloquial anecdotes ‘Wah, so many things about this new country that are so taken-for-granted!’ used by Pung can lead to reader to feel amused towards Pung’s parents astonishment and vocal sounds of glee and curiosity towards being able to use advanced, luxurious technology like ‘escalators’ typically exempt from ordinary citizens living in Cambodia. In addition, Pung’s use of first person point of view further reinforces this perspective by vividly describing the jubilant imagery of the ‘Wah-sers’ having ‘such fun’ by simply going ‘‘Up and down and down and up … the escalators’ in the land of opportunities and luxuries called ‘Australia’. Hence, Pung’s effective use of the generic conventions of a autobiography can influence the reader’s receptiveness towards the perspective conveyed by allowing the reader to engage with the extract on a personal level.
The vintage advertisement captures a feminist perspective from a modern reader towards the expected role of women and the zeitgeist of sexism of the era portrayed in this advertisement. This advertisement utilises generic conventions of an advertisement to depict this perspective through the use of a catchy slogan and a central image of an ideal housewife. The advertisement’s use of exaggeration of the sexist slogan ‘You mean a woman can open it…?’ in the written code of the advertisement compels the reader to criticise the way it undermines the worth of women by portraying them as overly weak and clueless validating the feminist perspective that is encapsulated. The raised eyebrows and agape mouth of the housewife as the central image of the advertisement further exaggerates the housewife’s weakness and dependence on her husband compelling a feminist to view this vintage ad as ridiculous. In this vintage advertisement, a modern feminist is presented with a sexist image of an ideal wife with a lack of perceived relevance to modern society compelling a modern feminist to criticise it as sexist and degrading.
This is the only marking criteria
- provides a clear and concise explanation of how genre has influenced perspective in the text.
Q2. How has the use of language features been effective in shaping your response to one of the texts?
The author’s use of sentence type and variation as language features in the science fiction narrative ‘Flowers for Algernon’ has shaped my response to be one of intrigue towards the fantastical idea that technology may one day possess the capability to artificially increase a person’s intelligence. In this extract, the use of this sentence type and variation works to make the protagonist and his experiences represent a intellectually challenged individual with an IQ of 68 . This is evident in the protagonist’s diary entries progressing from having broken and simple diction ‘Those amazes are stoopid‘ to having sophisticated and coherent sentences ‘ to having scholarly diction and sophisticated and coherent sentences’ My most absorbing interests at the present time are etymologies of ancient languages..’. As a reader the cumulative impact of viewing the protagonist’s progress in intellectual capability through the use of sentence type and variation has positioned me to be intrigued and inquisitive of the narrative’s plot and the protagonist’s character. In addition, the way the extract draws on the conventions of science fiction in describing the gradual change in intelligence that the protagonist experienced, unnatural and unrealistic in a non fiction text engages my own imagination towards the extract. The use of the sentence type and variation as language features of a science fiction narrative enables me be intrigued and inquisitive towards the idea that one day humans may have the technological capability to artificially increase a person’s intelligence portrayed in the extract.
The autobiographical extract for ‘Unpolished Gem’ encapsulates a first generation migrant perspective towards integrating into a first world country full of luxuries that are commonly exempt from underprivileged people living in Cambodia. This extract utilises generic conventions of a autobiography to depict this perspective through the use of anecdotes and first person point of view to highlight the curiosity and astonishment of first generation migrants towards integrating into Australia. Colloquial anecdotes ‘Wah, so many things about this new country that are so taken-for-granted!’ used by Pung can lead to reader to feel amused towards Pung’s parents astonishment and vocal sounds of glee and curiosity towards being able to use advanced, luxurious technology like ‘escalators’ typically exempt from ordinary citizens living in Cambodia. In addition, Pung’s use of first person point of view further reinforces this perspective by vividly describing the jubilant imagery of the ‘Wah-sers’ having ‘such fun’ by simply going ‘‘Up and down and down and up … the escalators’ in the land of opportunities and luxuries called ‘Australia’. Hence, Pung’s effective use of the generic conventions of a autobiography can influence the reader’s receptiveness towards the perspective conveyed by allowing the reader to engage with the extract on a personal level.
The vintage advertisement captures a feminist perspective from a modern reader towards the expected role of women and the zeitgeist of sexism of the era portrayed in this advertisement. This advertisement utilises generic conventions of an advertisement to depict this perspective through the use of a catchy slogan and a central image of an ideal housewife. The advertisement’s use of exaggeration of the sexist slogan ‘You mean a woman can open it…?’ in the written code of the advertisement compels the reader to criticise the way it undermines the worth of women by portraying them as overly weak and clueless validating the feminist perspective that is encapsulated. The raised eyebrows and agape mouth of the housewife as the central image of the advertisement further exaggerates the housewife’s weakness and dependence on her husband compelling a feminist to view this vintage ad as ridiculous. In this vintage advertisement, a modern feminist is presented with a sexist image of an ideal wife with a lack of perceived relevance to modern society compelling a modern feminist to criticise it as sexist and degrading.
This is the only marking criteria
- provides a clear and concise explanation of how genre has influenced perspective in the text.
Q2. How has the use of language features been effective in shaping your response to one of the texts?
The author’s use of sentence type and variation as language features in the science fiction narrative ‘Flowers for Algernon’ has shaped my response to be one of intrigue towards the fantastical idea that technology may one day possess the capability to artificially increase a person’s intelligence. In this extract, the use of this sentence type and variation works to make the protagonist and his experiences represent a intellectually challenged individual with an IQ of 68 . This is evident in the protagonist’s diary entries progressing from having broken and simple diction ‘Those amazes are stoopid‘ to having sophisticated and coherent sentences ‘ to having scholarly diction and sophisticated and coherent sentences’ My most absorbing interests at the present time are etymologies of ancient languages..’. As a reader the cumulative impact of viewing the protagonist’s progress in intellectual capability through the use of sentence type and variation has positioned me to be intrigued and inquisitive of the narrative’s plot and the protagonist’s character. In addition, the way the extract draws on the conventions of science fiction in describing the gradual change in intelligence that the protagonist experienced, unnatural and unrealistic in a non fiction text engages my own imagination towards the extract. The use of the sentence type and variation as language features of a science fiction narrative enables me be intrigued and inquisitive towards the idea that one day humans may have the technological capability to artificially increase a person’s intelligence portrayed in the extract.
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 13, 2017, 06:53:21 am
Hi I was wondering if I could have some feedback for this question please ;D
For this question as there are 2 texts being required to be responded to I have not written a introduction but simply a separate paragraph for each text.
I have also approached each paragraph differently. I was wondering which way would be the best to follow to answer this question?
This is a practice for an in class assessment where I will only have a max of 20mins to write a response (an hour to answer 3 questions altogether)
Hey!
Spoiler
Q1 Briefly explain how the genre of the text has influenced the perspective offered in two of the three texts.
The autobiographical extract for ‘Unpolished Gem’ encapsulates a first generation migrant perspective towards integrating into a first world country full of luxuries that are commonly exempt from underprivileged people living in Cambodia. This extract utilises generic conventions of a an* autobiography to depict this perspective through the use of anecdotes and first person point of view to highlight the curiosity and astonishment of first generation migrants towards integrating into Australia. Colloquial anecdotes ‘Wah, so many things about this new country that are so taken-for-granted!’ I can't see the anecdote in this quote? used by Pung can lead to reader to feel amused towards Pung’s parents astonishment and vocal sounds of glee and curiosity towards being able to use advanced, luxurious technology like ‘escalators’ typically exempt from ordinary citizens living in Cambodia. In addition, Pung’s use of first person point of view further reinforces this perspective by vividly describing the jubilant imagery of the ‘Wah-sers’ having ‘such fun’ by simply going ‘‘Up and down and down and up … the escalators’ in the land of opportunities and luxuries called ‘Australia’. I think the language here can be improved. In this paragraph, the language doesn't sound as sophisticated as it could. The quote I picked up on because I can't see the anecdote is an example - the quote is in the sentence, but it's not seamlessly embedded. It's nice that it's fitted in their, but it's just sitting inside a comma splice. I've italicised a bit that is waffling. It just seems like the sentence continues and continues, almost stream of consciousness. I think it would be best to rake that sentence back and make it more precise. Hence, Pung’s effective use of the generic conventions of a autobiography can influence the reader’s receptiveness towards the perspective conveyed by allowing the reader to engage with the extract on a personal level.
The vintage advertisement captures a feminist perspective from a modern reader I think this is too bold to say - "the advertisement captures a feminist perspective." That's in the assumption the audience is capable of a feminist perspective. Perhaps it's better to say that the advertisement prompts a feminist viewing? Rather than captures? towards the expected role of women and the zeitgeist of sexism of the era portrayed in this advertisement. This advertisement utilises generic conventions of an advertisement to depict this perspective through the use of a catchy slogan and a central image of an ideal housewife. The advertisement’s use of exaggeration of the sexist slogan ‘You mean a woman can open it…?’ in the written code of the advertisement compels the reader to criticise the way it undermines the worth of women by portraying them as overly weak and clueless *punctuation required here* validating the feminist perspective that is encapsulated. The raised eyebrows and agape mouth of the housewife as the central image of the advertisement further exaggerates the housewife’s weakness and dependence on her husband compelling a feminist to view this vintage ad as ridiculous. In this vintage advertisement, We only said "vintage advertisement" a few words ago - in terms of flow I think these are just too close together. a modern feminist is presented with a sexist image of an ideal wife with a lack of perceived relevance to modern society compelling a modern feminist to criticise it as sexist and degrading.
This is the only marking criteria
- provides a clear and concise explanation of how genre has influenced perspective in the text.
Q2. How has the use of language features been effective in shaping your response to one of the texts?
The author’s use of sentence type and variation as language features in the science fiction narrative ‘Flowers for Algernon’ has shaped my response to be one of intrigue towards the fantastical idea that technology may one day possess the capability to artificially increase a person’s intelligence. In this extract, the use of this sentence type and variation works to make the protagonist and his experiences represent a intellectually challenged individual with an IQ of 68 . This is evident in the protagonist’s diary entries progressing from having broken and simple diction ‘Those amazes are stoopid‘ to having sophisticated and coherent sentences ‘ to having scholarly diction and sophisticated and coherent sentences’ My most absorbing interests at the present time are etymologies of ancient languages..’. As a reader the cumulative impact of viewing the protagonist’s progress in intellectual capability through the use of sentence type and variation has positioned me to be intrigued and inquisitive of the narrative’s plot and the protagonist’s character. In addition, the way the extract draws on the conventions of science fiction in describing the gradual change in intelligence that the protagonist experienced, unnatural and unrealistic in a non fiction text engages my own imagination towards the extract. I can't work out what it is about this sentence, I think it's the punctuation, but I had to read it three times to see what you meant. I suggest reading it out loud and taking note of where you pause so you can insert the appropriate punctuation there. The use of the sentence type and variation as language features of a science fiction narrative enables me be intrigued and inquisitive towards the idea that one day humans may have the technological capability to artificially increase a person’s intelligence portrayed in the extract.
The autobiographical extract for ‘Unpolished Gem’ encapsulates a first generation migrant perspective towards integrating into a first world country full of luxuries that are commonly exempt from underprivileged people living in Cambodia. This extract utilises generic conventions of a an* autobiography to depict this perspective through the use of anecdotes and first person point of view to highlight the curiosity and astonishment of first generation migrants towards integrating into Australia. Colloquial anecdotes ‘Wah, so many things about this new country that are so taken-for-granted!’ I can't see the anecdote in this quote? used by Pung can lead to reader to feel amused towards Pung’s parents astonishment and vocal sounds of glee and curiosity towards being able to use advanced, luxurious technology like ‘escalators’ typically exempt from ordinary citizens living in Cambodia. In addition, Pung’s use of first person point of view further reinforces this perspective by vividly describing the jubilant imagery of the ‘Wah-sers’ having ‘such fun’ by simply going ‘‘Up and down and down and up … the escalators’ in the land of opportunities and luxuries called ‘Australia’. I think the language here can be improved. In this paragraph, the language doesn't sound as sophisticated as it could. The quote I picked up on because I can't see the anecdote is an example - the quote is in the sentence, but it's not seamlessly embedded. It's nice that it's fitted in their, but it's just sitting inside a comma splice. I've italicised a bit that is waffling. It just seems like the sentence continues and continues, almost stream of consciousness. I think it would be best to rake that sentence back and make it more precise. Hence, Pung’s effective use of the generic conventions of a autobiography can influence the reader’s receptiveness towards the perspective conveyed by allowing the reader to engage with the extract on a personal level.
The vintage advertisement captures a feminist perspective from a modern reader I think this is too bold to say - "the advertisement captures a feminist perspective." That's in the assumption the audience is capable of a feminist perspective. Perhaps it's better to say that the advertisement prompts a feminist viewing? Rather than captures? towards the expected role of women and the zeitgeist of sexism of the era portrayed in this advertisement. This advertisement utilises generic conventions of an advertisement to depict this perspective through the use of a catchy slogan and a central image of an ideal housewife. The advertisement’s use of exaggeration of the sexist slogan ‘You mean a woman can open it…?’ in the written code of the advertisement compels the reader to criticise the way it undermines the worth of women by portraying them as overly weak and clueless *punctuation required here* validating the feminist perspective that is encapsulated. The raised eyebrows and agape mouth of the housewife as the central image of the advertisement further exaggerates the housewife’s weakness and dependence on her husband compelling a feminist to view this vintage ad as ridiculous. In this vintage advertisement, We only said "vintage advertisement" a few words ago - in terms of flow I think these are just too close together. a modern feminist is presented with a sexist image of an ideal wife with a lack of perceived relevance to modern society compelling a modern feminist to criticise it as sexist and degrading.
This is the only marking criteria
- provides a clear and concise explanation of how genre has influenced perspective in the text.
Q2. How has the use of language features been effective in shaping your response to one of the texts?
The author’s use of sentence type and variation as language features in the science fiction narrative ‘Flowers for Algernon’ has shaped my response to be one of intrigue towards the fantastical idea that technology may one day possess the capability to artificially increase a person’s intelligence. In this extract, the use of this sentence type and variation works to make the protagonist and his experiences represent a intellectually challenged individual with an IQ of 68 . This is evident in the protagonist’s diary entries progressing from having broken and simple diction ‘Those amazes are stoopid‘ to having sophisticated and coherent sentences ‘ to having scholarly diction and sophisticated and coherent sentences’ My most absorbing interests at the present time are etymologies of ancient languages..’. As a reader the cumulative impact of viewing the protagonist’s progress in intellectual capability through the use of sentence type and variation has positioned me to be intrigued and inquisitive of the narrative’s plot and the protagonist’s character. In addition, the way the extract draws on the conventions of science fiction in describing the gradual change in intelligence that the protagonist experienced, unnatural and unrealistic in a non fiction text engages my own imagination towards the extract. I can't work out what it is about this sentence, I think it's the punctuation, but I had to read it three times to see what you meant. I suggest reading it out loud and taking note of where you pause so you can insert the appropriate punctuation there. The use of the sentence type and variation as language features of a science fiction narrative enables me be intrigued and inquisitive towards the idea that one day humans may have the technological capability to artificially increase a person’s intelligence portrayed in the extract.
As always, it's difficult to know what your teacher wants because it's WACE. I wonder if saying "generic conventions" is required so much - in the first paragraph? Perhaps it's because I don't study generic conventions, but it seems like it's dropped too regularly, but I could definitely be wrong. I think your sentence flow needs a little work - so just focus on reading each sentence out loud as you intend it to be heard, and take not if your punctuation is in the right spot or not. That's going to be really important for the overall precision of your work! Hopefully this is ok :)
Post by: britneymoney on June 13, 2017, 05:51:13 pm
- Just want to know if my analysis is strong and I carry the theme of futility throughout the whole essay
- Do I need additional information in my introduction and conclusion?
What idea about humanity is Eliot communicating? Referring to at least TWO key poems, explain HOW this issue is explored and in what ways it contributes to the textual integrity of the text.
You must make close reference to the textual features used by the composer.
Spoiler
TS Eliot composed his poems throughout the Modernist period, which allowed poets and literates to view the world as was presented to them, giving readers a new perspective on life and a new way to perceive the world. Eliot’s poems ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ explore a futile outlook on man’s reality.
In ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ Eliot explores through his persona’s constant self-deprecating questioning of his life the futility of man’s existence. This is seen immediately in the ironic title: ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, where a love song is suggested, but it is immediately contradicted by the overall tone, which is immensely pessimistic and full of resignation. The romantic nature of a love song suggests substantial emotions, passion and personality. However Prufrock demonstrates the dullness and emptiness that is apparent throughout modern societies. As a substitute for love, we are introduced to the futility, uncertainty and lack of self-confidence the persona battles with. Eliot uses the persona’s procrastination within the poem to heighten the futility of life. Through the dramatic monologue, Eliot examines the tortured psyche of the prototypical modern man. Eliot suggests the persona’s impotence in a world he views as bleak and desolate through the confronting simile: “Like a patient etherised upon a table”, where images of sickness and emptiness are evoked. Through the metaphor: “time to turn back and descend the stair” Eliot is proposing Prufrock is prone to procrastination, as here, Prufrock decides to desert the thoughtful progress he has made and move back to where he began. This forward backward motion of questioning his existence is reinforced by the trivial thoughts he ponders throughout the poem such as “do i dare eat a peach”, and “How his hair is growing thin” which demonstrates his obsession with unimportant matters, diverting him from the overwhelming question. Eliot uses the rhyming rhetorical question “Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse” to express how Prufrock, due to his reluctant nature, feels as if his presence is unwanted. Through this quote the monumental questions regarding the relationship between thought and reality and the dislocation of time are being contemplated. Only to be dismissed by his futile outlook. Eliot concludes the poem by delving into his subconscious and revealing that when reality wakes us we die. The final stanza conveys a sensation of suffering, which is cemented by thehu7hyt final word “drown” - a verb describing death. The darkness portrayed within the last stanza communicates Eliot’s futile outlook on man’s existence.
In the same way, TS Eliot uses ‘The Hollow Men’ to reflect the futility, misery and emptiness of modern life. The poem is concerned with the crumbling moral fabric of society, reflecting the disenchantment with traditional values in the post world war one era. Eliot compares those in society to ‘men made of straw’ emphasising their existence and amorality, therefore further binding the futility of his modern society. The two epigraphs to the poem each reference the futility that is its main issue. The first a reference from the novel ‘Heart of Darkness’ “Mistah Kurtz – he dead” which bluntly asserts the pointlessness of life. The second, “A penny for the Old Guy” alludes to another life of wasted opportunity, that of Guy Forks. Eliot then introduces the poem with “we are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men” this juxtaposition of the idea that men cannot be “hollow” and “stuffed” at the same time displays the idea that life is a contradiction which cannot be understood. The repetition of the first person plural “we are” includes the reader in the proposition and reinforces the all-pervasive emptiness of a generation. The height of the futility of life is displayed at the end of the poem where the persona says “for thine is, life is, for thine is the”. The inclusion of this figure of speech is symbolic of the persona’s exhaustion of his futile existence, as he is unable to make the effort to finish. Immediately following this, the persona states “this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper” the repetition within the nursery like rhythm diminishes the status of humanity, challenging the traditional belief of mankind’s continuous advances in society. Eliot further reinforces through the hollow men that the futility of life will result in an end that is evoked from mans own inability to build a worthwhile society.
In conclusion, both ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ explore the theme of the futility of man’s existence. The poems each respectively explore ideas encompassing the inactivity of the human existence and the relationship between the individual and the society. The examination of these ideas cements the poems textual integrity, as these issues are still debated in current society.
In ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ Eliot explores through his persona’s constant self-deprecating questioning of his life the futility of man’s existence. This is seen immediately in the ironic title: ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, where a love song is suggested, but it is immediately contradicted by the overall tone, which is immensely pessimistic and full of resignation. The romantic nature of a love song suggests substantial emotions, passion and personality. However Prufrock demonstrates the dullness and emptiness that is apparent throughout modern societies. As a substitute for love, we are introduced to the futility, uncertainty and lack of self-confidence the persona battles with. Eliot uses the persona’s procrastination within the poem to heighten the futility of life. Through the dramatic monologue, Eliot examines the tortured psyche of the prototypical modern man. Eliot suggests the persona’s impotence in a world he views as bleak and desolate through the confronting simile: “Like a patient etherised upon a table”, where images of sickness and emptiness are evoked. Through the metaphor: “time to turn back and descend the stair” Eliot is proposing Prufrock is prone to procrastination, as here, Prufrock decides to desert the thoughtful progress he has made and move back to where he began. This forward backward motion of questioning his existence is reinforced by the trivial thoughts he ponders throughout the poem such as “do i dare eat a peach”, and “How his hair is growing thin” which demonstrates his obsession with unimportant matters, diverting him from the overwhelming question. Eliot uses the rhyming rhetorical question “Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse” to express how Prufrock, due to his reluctant nature, feels as if his presence is unwanted. Through this quote the monumental questions regarding the relationship between thought and reality and the dislocation of time are being contemplated. Only to be dismissed by his futile outlook. Eliot concludes the poem by delving into his subconscious and revealing that when reality wakes us we die. The final stanza conveys a sensation of suffering, which is cemented by thehu7hyt final word “drown” - a verb describing death. The darkness portrayed within the last stanza communicates Eliot’s futile outlook on man’s existence.
In the same way, TS Eliot uses ‘The Hollow Men’ to reflect the futility, misery and emptiness of modern life. The poem is concerned with the crumbling moral fabric of society, reflecting the disenchantment with traditional values in the post world war one era. Eliot compares those in society to ‘men made of straw’ emphasising their existence and amorality, therefore further binding the futility of his modern society. The two epigraphs to the poem each reference the futility that is its main issue. The first a reference from the novel ‘Heart of Darkness’ “Mistah Kurtz – he dead” which bluntly asserts the pointlessness of life. The second, “A penny for the Old Guy” alludes to another life of wasted opportunity, that of Guy Forks. Eliot then introduces the poem with “we are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men” this juxtaposition of the idea that men cannot be “hollow” and “stuffed” at the same time displays the idea that life is a contradiction which cannot be understood. The repetition of the first person plural “we are” includes the reader in the proposition and reinforces the all-pervasive emptiness of a generation. The height of the futility of life is displayed at the end of the poem where the persona says “for thine is, life is, for thine is the”. The inclusion of this figure of speech is symbolic of the persona’s exhaustion of his futile existence, as he is unable to make the effort to finish. Immediately following this, the persona states “this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper” the repetition within the nursery like rhythm diminishes the status of humanity, challenging the traditional belief of mankind’s continuous advances in society. Eliot further reinforces through the hollow men that the futility of life will result in an end that is evoked from mans own inability to build a worthwhile society.
In conclusion, both ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ explore the theme of the futility of man’s existence. The poems each respectively explore ideas encompassing the inactivity of the human existence and the relationship between the individual and the society. The examination of these ideas cements the poems textual integrity, as these issues are still debated in current society.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Post by: Kekemato_BAP on June 14, 2017, 02:06:52 pm
It's due on Friday and my teachers are too busy to mark it.
"Discuss the powerful ways that significant ideas are explored in your prescribed text."
Spoiler
The unique imagery within creative mediums such as poetry to represent meaning and encourage powerful responses from their audiences. In T.S Eliot's poems, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” and “The Hollow Men”, the imagery is quite effective in challenging and criticising the nature of the modern world, which is a common theme being conveyed throughout using powerful devices. Eliot criticises the modern world as fragmented and dreary towards the start of the 20th century. The dull urban environments that are explored in his poems represents a society of metaphorical deterioration and decay, which demonstrates his overall perspective of the modernity and isolation in the everyday lives of modern man. Ultimately, Eliot’s ideas effectively highlight the concern of modern man as a whole whilst emphasising the meaningless and monotony of the life of the modern man.
Creative forms such as poetry utilise distinct imagery to evoke meaning and purpose to motivate dynamic responses from their audiences. In his poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, Eliot portrays the landscape through dark imagery of “half-deserted streets...that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent”, highlighting Eliot’s criticism that the everyday modern life is a monotony and menacing like the navigation of dark, “half-deserted streets”. Ultimately, this deserting imagery gives no meaning to the lives of the modern individual. Eliot adopts a different form of poem structure and punctuation than regular poetic forms because, in Love Song, he has created the first stanza as one sentence over multiple lines; expressing Eliot’s own beliefs that the everyday modern life is non-linear. The powerful urban decay imagery is employed to explore society's disease that has resulted from the rise of modernity. Eliot shows the urban squalor in the form of “restless nights in one-night cheap hotels” as he examines the decay in morals and human life that has infected us in the deterioration of the past regimes. Further imagery depicted in the personification of the “yellow smoke that rubbed its muzzle on the window panes” highlights Eliot's allusion to the industrialisation of modern society as a new century begins with the yellow smoke drawing relation between Eliot's view of the city squalor as a result of the rapid industrialisation of the modern world; highlighting his negative perception of the sickness of modernity. Eliot's use of feline imagery compares Prufrock's evasion of human connection yet wanting to be connected, which highlight Eliot's dissatisfaction with modern society's lack of courage. The cockroach imagery, "pinned and wriggling on the wall" uses urban imagery, in such a way, to convey Eliot's criticism of modern man's oblivious and cowardly nature.
Moreover, in “The Hollow Men”, Eliot further explores the empty, pointless, and meaningless nature of modern life. Eliot emphasises the deteriorating morality of society throughout his poem, which reflects his disappointment with traditional values in post-war modernity. Eliot draws comparison between modern man and “men made of straw” highlighting their existence and lack of moral standards, thus emphasising the hopelessness of Eliot’s perception of the modern world. Also, in The Hollow Men, the persona says “this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper”, which challenges the belief of man’s constant advancement in society and the world; further reinforcing the meaningless, futile nature of modern life that will only cause our own destruction because of our inability to construct a functional, meaningful society. Furthermore, the poem begins with “we are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men” as Eliot juxtaposes the ideas of people being “hollow” and “stuffed” at the same time to show the idea that modern life cannot be understood. The audience is also included in Eliot’s idea with the repetition of “we are” to reinforce the overarching “hollow” nature of the modern world and the current generation.
Ultimately, the ideas in both ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ have emphasised Eliot’s perception of the futile theme of modern man and the sickness of modernity at the beginning of the 20th century. Eliot has explored ideas overarching the incompetence of the society and relationships between the individual and the modern world.
Creative forms such as poetry utilise distinct imagery to evoke meaning and purpose to motivate dynamic responses from their audiences. In his poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, Eliot portrays the landscape through dark imagery of “half-deserted streets...that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent”, highlighting Eliot’s criticism that the everyday modern life is a monotony and menacing like the navigation of dark, “half-deserted streets”. Ultimately, this deserting imagery gives no meaning to the lives of the modern individual. Eliot adopts a different form of poem structure and punctuation than regular poetic forms because, in Love Song, he has created the first stanza as one sentence over multiple lines; expressing Eliot’s own beliefs that the everyday modern life is non-linear. The powerful urban decay imagery is employed to explore society's disease that has resulted from the rise of modernity. Eliot shows the urban squalor in the form of “restless nights in one-night cheap hotels” as he examines the decay in morals and human life that has infected us in the deterioration of the past regimes. Further imagery depicted in the personification of the “yellow smoke that rubbed its muzzle on the window panes” highlights Eliot's allusion to the industrialisation of modern society as a new century begins with the yellow smoke drawing relation between Eliot's view of the city squalor as a result of the rapid industrialisation of the modern world; highlighting his negative perception of the sickness of modernity. Eliot's use of feline imagery compares Prufrock's evasion of human connection yet wanting to be connected, which highlight Eliot's dissatisfaction with modern society's lack of courage. The cockroach imagery, "pinned and wriggling on the wall" uses urban imagery, in such a way, to convey Eliot's criticism of modern man's oblivious and cowardly nature.
Moreover, in “The Hollow Men”, Eliot further explores the empty, pointless, and meaningless nature of modern life. Eliot emphasises the deteriorating morality of society throughout his poem, which reflects his disappointment with traditional values in post-war modernity. Eliot draws comparison between modern man and “men made of straw” highlighting their existence and lack of moral standards, thus emphasising the hopelessness of Eliot’s perception of the modern world. Also, in The Hollow Men, the persona says “this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper”, which challenges the belief of man’s constant advancement in society and the world; further reinforcing the meaningless, futile nature of modern life that will only cause our own destruction because of our inability to construct a functional, meaningful society. Furthermore, the poem begins with “we are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men” as Eliot juxtaposes the ideas of people being “hollow” and “stuffed” at the same time to show the idea that modern life cannot be understood. The audience is also included in Eliot’s idea with the repetition of “we are” to reinforce the overarching “hollow” nature of the modern world and the current generation.
Ultimately, the ideas in both ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ have emphasised Eliot’s perception of the futile theme of modern man and the sickness of modernity at the beginning of the 20th century. Eliot has explored ideas overarching the incompetence of the society and relationships between the individual and the modern world.
Post by: theblackswan on June 14, 2017, 09:30:31 pm
How does Judith Wright represent how people's experiences with the landscape shape the individual? Answer this question with detailed reference to TWO poems.
Individuals experiencing the regenerative power of landscapes which can be of either positive or negative influence to the individual has their identity shaped through changes in perceptions brought about by the land. The nature of the influences are dependent upon two things, the first being our actions, whether we have instigated an attempt to cultivate the land to suit our needs or refrained from doing so. The second is whether the energy behind the regenerative power is directed into an attack against us during a battle for assertion of dominance. The landscape is represented as an entity whose spirit is unable to be suppressed by our interference and ultimately, it is our underestimation of this sense of resilience which leads to us being the one controlled by the landscape. These ideas are convincingly presented in Judith Wright's poems 'The Flame Tree' and 'The Hawthorn Hedge'. The texts propose similar notions - that our identity and perception of the world changes according to how the nature uses its' regenerative power.
Thanks so much for offering to mark essays! :)
Post by: skvh on June 14, 2017, 09:46:00 pm
If you do i'd greatly appreciate it if you were to let me know :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2017, 11:20:46 pm
Module B - TS Eliot
- Just want to know if my analysis is strong and I carry the theme of futility throughout the whole essay
- Do I need additional information in my introduction and conclusion?
Hey britney! Welcome to the forums! ;D our essay marking rules (which you can read here) require 15 posts for each essay you'd like feedback for; this is just to make sure the markers can keep up and spend a good amount of time on each ;D
So hang around the forums a bit, ask a few questions, and you'll build up those posts in no time! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2017, 11:39:32 pm
Could someone mark my TS Eliot essay?
It's due on Friday and my teachers are too busy to mark it.
All over it Kekemato ;D
Spoiler
Discuss the powerful ways that significant ideas are explored in your prescribed text.
The unique imagery within creative mediums such as poetry to represent meaning and encourage powerful responses from their audiences. A little issue with expression here, doesn't quite flow properly - But I like the idea being presented! In T.S Eliot's poems, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” and “The Hollow Men”, the imagery is quite effective in challenging and criticising the nature of the modern world, which is a common theme being conveyed throughout using powerful devices. Watch the use of 'quite,' it makes you seem a little unsure of your argument, try and avoid low modality language like this! Eliot criticises the modern world as fragmented and dreary towards the start of the 20th century. The dull urban environments that are explored in his poems represents a society of metaphorical deterioration and decay, which demonstrates his overall perspective of the modernity and isolation in the everyday lives of modern man. Good! I'd like a little more detail as to the sorts of critiques Elliot is presenting though, just a little vague right now. Ultimately, Eliot’s ideas effectively highlight the concern of modern man as a whole whilst emphasising the meaningless and monotony of the life of the modern man. Solid introduction - A few little expression issues, and I'd also want a little more detail about exactly the sort of things Elliot wants to communicate to the audience. However, very good start!
Creative forms such as poetry utilise distinct imagery to evoke meaning and purpose to motivate dynamic responses from their audiences. This is very much the same statement as your Thesis - I'd expect you to hone in on something more specific in a paragraph, some specific concept. In his poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, Eliot portrays the landscape through dark imagery of “half-deserted streets...that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent”, highlighting Eliot’s criticism that the everyday modern life is a monotony and menacing like the navigation of dark, “half-deserted streets”. Fantastic. Ultimately, this deserting imagery gives no meaning to the lives of the modern individual. Eliot adopts a different form of poem structure and punctuation than regular poetic forms because, in Love Song, he has created the first stanza as one sentence over multiple lines; expressing Eliot’s own beliefs that the everyday modern life is non-linear. Nice reference to structure, lots of people ignore it. Great analysis. The powerful urban decay imagery is employed to explore society's disease that has resulted from the rise of modernity. Example? Eliot shows the urban squalor in the form of “restless nights in one-night cheap hotels” as he examines the decay in morals and human life that has infected us in the deterioration of the past regimes. A little unsure what you mean by this point, also missing a technique (or was this linked to the previous sentence?) Further imagery depicted in the personification of the “yellow smoke that rubbed its muzzle on the window panes” highlights Eliot's allusion to the industrialisation of modern society as a new century begins with the yellow smoke drawing relation between Eliot's view of the city squalor as a result of the rapid industrialisation of the modern world; highlighting his negative perception of the sickness of modernity. Fantastic analysis, but I think the expression here could be a little more direct and to the point, to avoid using the words 'yellow smoke' twice. Eliot's use of feline imagery compares Prufrock's evasion of human connection yet wanting to be connected, which highlight Eliot's dissatisfaction with modern society's lack of courage. The cockroach imagery, "pinned and wriggling on the wall" uses urban imagery, in such a way, to convey Eliot's criticism of modern man's oblivious and cowardly nature. Be sure your paragraph has a proper conclusion - But this is a fantastic paragraph, excellent analysis. I'd like your expression to be a little more direct to make it a little easier for the reader to interpret your ideas.
Moreover, in “The Hollow Men”, Eliot further explores the empty, pointless, and meaningless nature of modern life. Good. Eliot emphasises the deteriorating morality of society throughout his poem, which reflects his disappointment with traditional values in post-war modernity. Eliot draws comparison between modern man and “men made of straw” highlighting their existence and lack of moral standards, thus emphasising the hopelessness of Eliot’s perception of the modern world. Technique for that quote? Also, in The Hollow Men, the persona says “this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper”, which challenges the belief of man’s constant advancement in society and the world; further reinforcing the meaningless, futile nature of modern life that will only cause our own destruction because of our inability to construct a functional, meaningful society. Again, technique? Be careful you aren't just using things said in the poem to push arguments, the focus needs to be on techniques, how the composer uses them to present ideas to the audience. Furthermore, the poem begins with “we are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men” as Eliot juxtaposes the ideas of people being “hollow” and “stuffed” at the same time to show the idea that modern life cannot be understood. The audience is also included in Eliot’s idea with the repetition of “we are” to reinforce the overarching “hollow” nature of the modern world and the current generation. Not as analytically strong as your first paragraph, I'm missing the techniques in this one!
Ultimately, the ideas in both ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ have emphasised Eliot’s perception of the futile theme of modern man and the sickness of modernity at the beginning of the 20th century. Eliot has explored ideas overarching the incompetence of the society and relationships between the individual and the modern world.
The unique imagery within creative mediums such as poetry to represent meaning and encourage powerful responses from their audiences. A little issue with expression here, doesn't quite flow properly - But I like the idea being presented! In T.S Eliot's poems, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” and “The Hollow Men”, the imagery is quite effective in challenging and criticising the nature of the modern world, which is a common theme being conveyed throughout using powerful devices. Watch the use of 'quite,' it makes you seem a little unsure of your argument, try and avoid low modality language like this! Eliot criticises the modern world as fragmented and dreary towards the start of the 20th century. The dull urban environments that are explored in his poems represents a society of metaphorical deterioration and decay, which demonstrates his overall perspective of the modernity and isolation in the everyday lives of modern man. Good! I'd like a little more detail as to the sorts of critiques Elliot is presenting though, just a little vague right now. Ultimately, Eliot’s ideas effectively highlight the concern of modern man as a whole whilst emphasising the meaningless and monotony of the life of the modern man. Solid introduction - A few little expression issues, and I'd also want a little more detail about exactly the sort of things Elliot wants to communicate to the audience. However, very good start!
Creative forms such as poetry utilise distinct imagery to evoke meaning and purpose to motivate dynamic responses from their audiences. This is very much the same statement as your Thesis - I'd expect you to hone in on something more specific in a paragraph, some specific concept. In his poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, Eliot portrays the landscape through dark imagery of “half-deserted streets...that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent”, highlighting Eliot’s criticism that the everyday modern life is a monotony and menacing like the navigation of dark, “half-deserted streets”. Fantastic. Ultimately, this deserting imagery gives no meaning to the lives of the modern individual. Eliot adopts a different form of poem structure and punctuation than regular poetic forms because, in Love Song, he has created the first stanza as one sentence over multiple lines; expressing Eliot’s own beliefs that the everyday modern life is non-linear. Nice reference to structure, lots of people ignore it. Great analysis. The powerful urban decay imagery is employed to explore society's disease that has resulted from the rise of modernity. Example? Eliot shows the urban squalor in the form of “restless nights in one-night cheap hotels” as he examines the decay in morals and human life that has infected us in the deterioration of the past regimes. A little unsure what you mean by this point, also missing a technique (or was this linked to the previous sentence?) Further imagery depicted in the personification of the “yellow smoke that rubbed its muzzle on the window panes” highlights Eliot's allusion to the industrialisation of modern society as a new century begins with the yellow smoke drawing relation between Eliot's view of the city squalor as a result of the rapid industrialisation of the modern world; highlighting his negative perception of the sickness of modernity. Fantastic analysis, but I think the expression here could be a little more direct and to the point, to avoid using the words 'yellow smoke' twice. Eliot's use of feline imagery compares Prufrock's evasion of human connection yet wanting to be connected, which highlight Eliot's dissatisfaction with modern society's lack of courage. The cockroach imagery, "pinned and wriggling on the wall" uses urban imagery, in such a way, to convey Eliot's criticism of modern man's oblivious and cowardly nature. Be sure your paragraph has a proper conclusion - But this is a fantastic paragraph, excellent analysis. I'd like your expression to be a little more direct to make it a little easier for the reader to interpret your ideas.
Moreover, in “The Hollow Men”, Eliot further explores the empty, pointless, and meaningless nature of modern life. Good. Eliot emphasises the deteriorating morality of society throughout his poem, which reflects his disappointment with traditional values in post-war modernity. Eliot draws comparison between modern man and “men made of straw” highlighting their existence and lack of moral standards, thus emphasising the hopelessness of Eliot’s perception of the modern world. Technique for that quote? Also, in The Hollow Men, the persona says “this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper”, which challenges the belief of man’s constant advancement in society and the world; further reinforcing the meaningless, futile nature of modern life that will only cause our own destruction because of our inability to construct a functional, meaningful society. Again, technique? Be careful you aren't just using things said in the poem to push arguments, the focus needs to be on techniques, how the composer uses them to present ideas to the audience. Furthermore, the poem begins with “we are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men” as Eliot juxtaposes the ideas of people being “hollow” and “stuffed” at the same time to show the idea that modern life cannot be understood. The audience is also included in Eliot’s idea with the repetition of “we are” to reinforce the overarching “hollow” nature of the modern world and the current generation. Not as analytically strong as your first paragraph, I'm missing the techniques in this one!
Ultimately, the ideas in both ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ have emphasised Eliot’s perception of the futile theme of modern man and the sickness of modernity at the beginning of the 20th century. Eliot has explored ideas overarching the incompetence of the society and relationships between the individual and the modern world.
I think this is a very strong essay in terms of its analysis - Especially that first paragraph. Focus on techniques, no retell, did an excellent job there!! Not quite as strong in the 2nd paragraph though - You need more techniques to sustain the argument.
Probably my biggest overall comment would be conceptual clarity. Often it feels like the argument is a little vague, just "modern world is bad." I think it's mostly a structural thing, making sure it is really clear what you'll be arguing from the start and honing in on specific concepts in your paragraph. Don't get me wrong, what you've got works well, but it could be better :) you might also want to consider adding a third paragraph for a little more depth?
A few little expression issues too, but overall, nice work!! I think the ideas are great and the analysis is, on the whole, very effective :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2017, 11:45:51 pm
Hi, I was wondering if you could just have a quick look at my introduction for Module C - representing people and landscapes? The question was:
How does Judith Wright represent how people's experiences with the landscape shape the individual? Answer this question with detailed reference to TWO poems.
Thanks so much for offering to mark essays! :)
Happy to help! ;D
Individuals experiencing the regenerative power of landscapes which can be of either positive or negative influence to the individual has their identity shaped through changes in perceptions brought about by the land. Like the concept, but I think the expression is a little much all at once. Try breaking the idea up with commas or perhaps even into multiple sentences. The nature of the influences are dependent upon two things, the first being our actions, whether we have instigated an attempt to cultivate the land to suit our needs or refrained from doing so. The second is whether the energy behind the regenerative power is directed into an attack against us during a battle for assertion of dominance. Not 100% clear on what you mean by this second point? Perhaps could be expressed a little more clearly. The landscape is represented as an entity whose spirit is unable to be suppressed by our interference and ultimately, it is our underestimation of this sense of resilience which leads to us being the one controlled by the landscape. A little too long on explaining concept - Ideally, you'd want to be through the conceptual elements after 2 or 3 sentences! These ideas are convincingly presented in Judith Wright's poems 'The Flame Tree' and 'The Hawthorn Hedge'. I'd add something here about techniques - It is a representation module, you need to explore HOW the ideas are represented with techniques and structural elements! The texts propose similar notions - that our identity and perception of the world changes according to how the nature uses its' regenerative power.
I think this is a strong intro - I think you should try and get through the conceptual stuff faster and put more emphasis on techniques and exactly how/what Wright is trying to portray! :)
Post by: Wales on June 15, 2017, 11:59:35 am
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting ethics of a dystopic society to extrapolate the disturbing ideas of manipulation to depict the underlying powerlessness of the people. By ascribing these ideologies to an applicable medium the composer is able to create an atmosphere that allows the audience to understand the truth behind political actions.. Huxley’s Brave New World deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden depicts the modern political obsession of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the advances in technology and exercises the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarianistic and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy.
Greatly appreciated, Wales
Post by: Kekemato_BAP on June 15, 2017, 06:12:18 pm
All over it Kekemato ;DSpoilerDiscuss the powerful ways that significant ideas are explored in your prescribed text.
The unique imagery within creative mediums such as poetry to represent meaning and encourage powerful responses from their audiences. A little issue with expression here, doesn't quite flow properly - But I like the idea being presented! In T.S Eliot's poems, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” and “The Hollow Men”, the imagery is quite effective in challenging and criticising the nature of the modern world, which is a common theme being conveyed throughout using powerful devices. Watch the use of 'quite,' it makes you seem a little unsure of your argument, try and avoid low modality language like this! Eliot criticises the modern world as fragmented and dreary towards the start of the 20th century. The dull urban environments that are explored in his poems represents a society of metaphorical deterioration and decay, which demonstrates his overall perspective of the modernity and isolation in the everyday lives of modern man. Good! I'd like a little more detail as to the sorts of critiques Elliot is presenting though, just a little vague right now. Ultimately, Eliot’s ideas effectively highlight the concern of modern man as a whole whilst emphasising the meaningless and monotony of the life of the modern man. Solid introduction - A few little expression issues, and I'd also want a little more detail about exactly the sort of things Elliot wants to communicate to the audience. However, very good start!
Creative forms such as poetry utilise distinct imagery to evoke meaning and purpose to motivate dynamic responses from their audiences. This is very much the same statement as your Thesis - I'd expect you to hone in on something more specific in a paragraph, some specific concept. In his poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, Eliot portrays the landscape through dark imagery of “half-deserted streets...that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent”, highlighting Eliot’s criticism that the everyday modern life is a monotony and menacing like the navigation of dark, “half-deserted streets”. Fantastic. Ultimately, this deserting imagery gives no meaning to the lives of the modern individual. Eliot adopts a different form of poem structure and punctuation than regular poetic forms because, in Love Song, he has created the first stanza as one sentence over multiple lines; expressing Eliot’s own beliefs that the everyday modern life is non-linear. Nice reference to structure, lots of people ignore it. Great analysis. The powerful urban decay imagery is employed to explore society's disease that has resulted from the rise of modernity. Example? Eliot shows the urban squalor in the form of “restless nights in one-night cheap hotels” as he examines the decay in morals and human life that has infected us in the deterioration of the past regimes. A little unsure what you mean by this point, also missing a technique (or was this linked to the previous sentence?) Further imagery depicted in the personification of the “yellow smoke that rubbed its muzzle on the window panes” highlights Eliot's allusion to the industrialisation of modern society as a new century begins with the yellow smoke drawing relation between Eliot's view of the city squalor as a result of the rapid industrialisation of the modern world; highlighting his negative perception of the sickness of modernity. Fantastic analysis, but I think the expression here could be a little more direct and to the point, to avoid using the words 'yellow smoke' twice. Eliot's use of feline imagery compares Prufrock's evasion of human connection yet wanting to be connected, which highlight Eliot's dissatisfaction with modern society's lack of courage. The cockroach imagery, "pinned and wriggling on the wall" uses urban imagery, in such a way, to convey Eliot's criticism of modern man's oblivious and cowardly nature. Be sure your paragraph has a proper conclusion - But this is a fantastic paragraph, excellent analysis. I'd like your expression to be a little more direct to make it a little easier for the reader to interpret your ideas.
Moreover, in “The Hollow Men”, Eliot further explores the empty, pointless, and meaningless nature of modern life. Good. Eliot emphasises the deteriorating morality of society throughout his poem, which reflects his disappointment with traditional values in post-war modernity. Eliot draws comparison between modern man and “men made of straw” highlighting their existence and lack of moral standards, thus emphasising the hopelessness of Eliot’s perception of the modern world. Technique for that quote? Also, in The Hollow Men, the persona says “this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper”, which challenges the belief of man’s constant advancement in society and the world; further reinforcing the meaningless, futile nature of modern life that will only cause our own destruction because of our inability to construct a functional, meaningful society. Again, technique? Be careful you aren't just using things said in the poem to push arguments, the focus needs to be on techniques, how the composer uses them to present ideas to the audience. Furthermore, the poem begins with “we are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men” as Eliot juxtaposes the ideas of people being “hollow” and “stuffed” at the same time to show the idea that modern life cannot be understood. The audience is also included in Eliot’s idea with the repetition of “we are” to reinforce the overarching “hollow” nature of the modern world and the current generation. Not as analytically strong as your first paragraph, I'm missing the techniques in this one!
Ultimately, the ideas in both ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ have emphasised Eliot’s perception of the futile theme of modern man and the sickness of modernity at the beginning of the 20th century. Eliot has explored ideas overarching the incompetence of the society and relationships between the individual and the modern world.
I think this is a very strong essay in terms of its analysis - Especially that first paragraph. Focus on techniques, no retell, did an excellent job there!! Not quite as strong in the 2nd paragraph though - You need more techniques to sustain the argument.
Probably my biggest overall comment would be conceptual clarity. Often it feels like the argument is a little vague, just "modern world is bad." I think it's mostly a structural thing, making sure it is really clear what you'll be arguing from the start and honing in on specific concepts in your paragraph. Don't get me wrong, what you've got works well, but it could be better :) you might also want to consider adding a third paragraph for a little more depth?
A few little expression issues too, but overall, nice work!! I think the ideas are great and the analysis is, on the whole, very effective :)
Thank you for the feedback!! :D
How could I turn an essay into a speech? This essay was supposed to be a speech but I am struggling on what a speech is... :/
And I don't get the meaning of textual integrity...apparently it means like how it relates to us today but I don't know how I can incorporate that into my speech
Post by: theblackswan on June 15, 2017, 06:39:34 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 15, 2017, 07:38:25 pm
Thank you for the feedback!! :D
How could I turn an essay into a speech? This essay was supposed to be a speech but I am struggling on what a speech is... :/
And I don't get the meaning of textual integrity...apparently it means like how it relates to us today but I don't know how I can incorporate that into my speech
Turning an essay into a speech isn't too bad, the structure will be much the same, you just need to simplify the language a bit!! Try reading the essay sentence aloud, then hiding it and writing the same sentence as you would say it to a mate. Chances are that will nail the colloquial aspect ;D
Textual integrity is defined in the syllabus as:
The unity of a text; its coherent use of form and language to produce an integrated whole in terms of meaning and value.
So, it is how well it it constructed to achieve its purpose and communicate to the audience (which yes, includes us). You might want to have a read of this Module B essay guide ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 15, 2017, 07:46:04 pm
Hey, thanks so much for taking time and marking my intro! I really appreciate it ;D . I've got a question: For Module A, my teacher always states that its' a good idea to put a sentence about context at the start of each body paragraph. Is there a general structure for this? For example, The aftermath of the World War 2 had led to blah blah.... and then do you start your topic sentence or is it the other way around? Or can both content and context be chucked into one strong opening statement? Thanks again! :)
You are welcome! There's not really a set structure in my opinion, I like that you are being told to make context a focus though! You could do a sentence on context, then one on concept, or the other way around, or integrate the two (I personally think opening sentences should have the concept in them) - Much your preference and down to your personal style! ;D
Post by: Kekemato_BAP on June 15, 2017, 10:20:22 pm
Turning an essay into a speech isn't too bad, the structure will be much the same, you just need to simplify the language a bit!! Try reading the essay sentence aloud, then hiding it and writing the same sentence as you would say it to a mate. Chances are that will nail the colloquial aspect ;D
Textual integrity is defined in the syllabus as:
The unity of a text; its coherent use of form and language to produce an integrated whole in terms of meaning and value.
So, it is how well it it constructed to achieve its purpose and communicate to the audience (which yes, includes us). You might want to have a read of this Module B essay guide ;D
Ahh!! I get it now!! Thank you :D
Also, for speeches, you can use colloquial language. But how colloquial can you get?
Is it ok to swap "Eliot criticises..." for "Eliot says that..."? What would be a good colloquial alternative that isn't too teen language.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 15, 2017, 10:35:16 pm
Ahh!! I get it now!! Thank you :D
Also, for speeches, you can use colloquial language. But how colloquial can you get?
Is it ok to swap "Eliot criticises..." for "Eliot says that..."? What would be a good colloquial alternative that isn't too teen language.
It's a fairly fine balance, you want to be using sophisticated words still, but just in a way that feels natural to you!! The swap you suggested is definitely okay, but 'criticises' is a better word and if it suits how you would say it then that could be better. It very much comes down to how you feel comfortable speaking ;D
Post by: Blazeee on June 16, 2017, 09:33:31 pm
Attached is my English folio response...exploring inner journeys in relation to the play Macbeth...
It's due Tuesday....any feedback would be greatly appreciated! thanks heaps!!
Details are included in the attached document. ;D ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 16, 2017, 11:57:15 pm
It's that time of the term again. I received my Brave new world assessment and put together a quick introduction. Would one of you kind fellas mind taking a look and let me know what you think?
Kind fella reporting for duty 8)
Spoiler
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Excellent start - Pretty much all my dystopic essays push this point ;) Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting ethics of a dystopic society to extrapolate the disturbing ideas of manipulation to depict the underlying powerlessness of the people. A little expression issue here, to _____ to ______. Feels a little long and should be broken up a little. By ascribing these ideologies to an applicable medium the composer is able to create an atmosphere that allows the audience to understand the truth behind political actions. What do you mean by 'atmosphere' here? Do you mean, like, a world space? Huxley’s Brave New World deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden depicts the modern political obsession of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the advances in technology and exercises the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarianistic and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. Fantastic.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Excellent start - Pretty much all my dystopic essays push this point ;) Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting ethics of a dystopic society to extrapolate the disturbing ideas of manipulation to depict the underlying powerlessness of the people. A little expression issue here, to _____ to ______. Feels a little long and should be broken up a little. By ascribing these ideologies to an applicable medium the composer is able to create an atmosphere that allows the audience to understand the truth behind political actions. What do you mean by 'atmosphere' here? Do you mean, like, a world space? Huxley’s Brave New World deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden depicts the modern political obsession of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the advances in technology and exercises the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarianistic and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. Fantastic.
Love your work - A few places to tidy up expression but the concepts themselves are excellent ;D
Post by: Wales on June 17, 2017, 03:56:40 pm
Kind fella reporting for duty 8)SpoilerPolitics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Excellent start - Pretty much all my dystopic essays push this point ;) Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting ethics of a dystopic society to extrapolate the disturbing ideas of manipulation to depict the underlying powerlessness of the people. A little expression issue here, to _____ to ______. Feels a little long and should be broken up a little. By ascribing these ideologies to an applicable medium the composer is able to create an atmosphere that allows the audience to understand the truth behind political actions. What do you mean by 'atmosphere' here? Do you mean, like, a world space? Huxley’s Brave New World deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden depicts the modern political obsession of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the advances in technology and exercises the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarianistic and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. Fantastic.
Love your work - A few places to tidy up expression but the concepts themselves are excellent ;D
Sounds good :) I'll fix it up and repost my entire essay in a few days.
Your essay on the notes section is awesome btw 👍
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 18, 2017, 06:29:46 pm
Hello!
Attached is my English folio response...exploring inner journeys in relation to the play Macbeth...
It's due Tuesday....any feedback would be greatly appreciated! thanks heaps!!
Details are included in the attached document. ;D ;D
Hey!! So I've given you feedback in your Document itself, just so I had the text and everything in front of me. I think your analysis is effective (see my comments for a few minor things you might want to fix!). If your analysis of the novel and your reflection is as good as what you've done so far I reckon you should do really well :) good job!
Post by: Blazeee on June 18, 2017, 07:44:06 pm
Hey!! So I've given you feedback in your Document itself, just so I had the text and everything in front of me. I think your analysis is effective (see my comments for a few minor things you might want to fix!). If your analysis of the novel and your reflection is as good as what you've done so far I reckon you should do really well :) good job!
WOW!!! you are amazing!!! Can't say how much this helps! awesome!!!!!!
;D ;D
Post by: georgiia on June 18, 2017, 08:34:03 pm
Post by: bethr on June 18, 2017, 10:12:37 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 19, 2017, 01:46:50 am
Could I send in my essay plan for a mod a task on Tuesday? I know I don't have 15 posts but I'd appreciate even the smallest of feedback!
Hey bethr! Normally I'd say definitely all good to pop a plan up, but we've just had two essays posted just before you, all due Tuesday! So post it up, and fingers crossed, but no guarantees we get to it in time unfortunately :(
georgiia and herb123, we'll do our best to get you feedback before Monday night, but no guarantees either unfortunately.
Side Note: To anyone reading this thinking of getting some feedback, please give us time to get it to you. We really want to be helpful, but a 24 hour turnaround is (usually) just not quite possible. Especially in a week like this week with lectures being organised, uni exams happening, Elyse is travelling - Busy times! Try and give us a few days to get it marked, then a few days to implement the feedback - A week before due date is a safe margin! :)
Post by: Wales on June 19, 2017, 09:25:08 am
Could I send in my essay plan for a mod a task on Tuesday? I know I don't have 15 posts but I'd appreciate even the smallest of feedback!
Go for it :) I'll try give some feedback on it if Jamon is busy marking the other 2 essays. He's a busy man :(
Post by: bethr on June 19, 2017, 10:45:45 am
Hey bethr! Normally I'd say definitely all good to pop a plan up, but we've just had two essays posted just before you, all due Tuesday! So post it up, and fingers crossed, but no guarantees we get to it in time unfortunately :(
georgiia and herb123, we'll do our best to get you feedback before Monday night, but no guarantees either unfortunately.
Side Note: To anyone reading this thinking of getting some feedback, please give us time to get it to you. We really want to be helpful, but a 24 hour turnaround is (usually) just not quite possible. Especially in a week like this week with lectures being organised, uni exams happening, Elyse is travelling - Busy times! Try and give us a few days to get it marked, then a few days to implement the feedback - A week before due date is a safe margin! :)
Hi, thank you so much. I know it's last minute, and I'm normally more organised than this but I've had so many assessments this week and English was my last priority. I understand if you can't get it back to me on time!
Post by: Wales on June 19, 2017, 12:58:40 pm
Hi, thank you so much. I know it's last minute, and I'm normally more organised than this but I've had so many assessments this week and English was my last priority. I understand if you can't get it back to me on time!
Did you want feedback on both identity and love?
Do you have an essay question you wrote this in accordance to? Might be easier to judge.
Post by: bethr on June 19, 2017, 01:40:45 pm
Did you want feedback on both identity and love?
Do you have an essay question you wrote this in accordance to? Might be easier to judge.
We've been given two themes which we may be asked. The plan includes my quotes and analysis of it as I really struggle with synthesis under pressure
Post by: georgiia on June 19, 2017, 02:32:40 pm
Hey bethr! Normally I'd say definitely all good to pop a plan up, but we've just had two essays posted just before you, all due Tuesday! So post it up, and fingers crossed, but no guarantees we get to it in time unfortunately :(
georgiia and herb123, we'll do our best to get you feedback before Monday night, but no guarantees either unfortunately.
Side Note: To anyone reading this thinking of getting some feedback, please give us time to get it to you. We really want to be helpful, but a 24 hour turnaround is (usually) just not quite possible. Especially in a week like this week with lectures being organised, uni exams happening, Elyse is travelling - Busy times! Try and give us a few days to get it marked, then a few days to implement the feedback - A week before due date is a safe margin! :)
Sorry about the short notice, I've never submitted an essay here before so I wasn't totally aware, but I'll definatly give a week in future!!!
Sorry!!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 19, 2017, 08:23:07 pm
I have a module B assessment for T.S.Eliot on tuesday and I VERY URGENTLY need someone to provide overall general feedback, what I've done well/what I can strength for an essay I wrote this morning. Although it wasn't timed, I did it mostly closed book. My assessment requires us to discuss only one poem and we must respond to a "to what extent" equation after herring an audio on someones opinion. This was just an easy I wrote for practise, and Id very much appreciate feedback.
Thanks!
Hey Georgia! In the interests of trying to get you some feedback before your assessment tomorrow, I'm not going to go through the whole thing in detail, just provide some overall comments! It won't count towards your 15 post requirement and you can come back and use those another time :)
- Good ideas presented in the introduction - Be sure they are expressed clearly. Being overly verbose will hinder you sometimes. Nice work - I'd avoid first person at the end there though!
- Excellent analytical style, fantastic links to the context of the 21st century reader
- Be sure that every quote you provide has a technique associated with it, avoid saying "the line" as much as possible. It should always be "the simile" or "the symbolism in", etc etc
- Be sure of your arguments - Don't say a conclusion is 'plausible,' argue it home as if there is no other truth!
- Avoid rhetorical questions (unless this is a speech)
- Try to discuss themes not characters (don't discuss what we learn about Prufrock, discuss what we learn more generally - Even if you then link to something more general, Prufrock isn't a necessary step to that end)
- Be sure to make a judgement, the question is asking "to what extent," you need to put in evaluative verbs, even something as obvious as "to a significant extent," to answer the question properly.
Hopefully the last minute feedback is helpful - Good luck :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 19, 2017, 08:43:15 pm
Hey Ive got a Mod B Essay on Citizen Kane on tuesday for my trials
could i get feedback on it and some tips on how i can perhaps make it more flexible to mould for different questions
(btw our school makes us do our personal response as a separate paragraph)
Hey herb! As above, in the interests of getting you this before tomorrow, just some quick comments:
- Be sure your ideas are broken up properly with commas, in some places I had to do some grouping in my head to make sense of your sentences.
- Be succinct - The last sentence in your introduction, for example, says "the text is timeless" in about two or three different ways. Watch out for this sort of redundancy!
- Nice structure to your paragraphs, concepts well set up and well brought together
- Be careful not to retell the plot as a way to argue your point, watch for places where you are just writing what happened in the text. Focus should be on techniques
- Ditto, don't tell me what techniques reveal about Kane. Tell me what they reveal about the themes and what they teach the audience directly!
- Add a little more beef to your conclusion, really bring things together properly and make sure you've responded to the question (when you have it) correctly
Hopefully this little bit of last minute feedback is helpful - Good luck ;D
Post by: Blazeee on June 19, 2017, 08:45:30 pm
Thanks very much for this!! appreciate it heaps!
Post by: herb123 on June 19, 2017, 08:49:50 pm
Hey herb! As above, in the interests of getting you this before tomorrow, just some quick comments:
- Be sure your ideas are broken up properly with commas, in some places I had to do some grouping in my head to make sense of your sentences.
- Be succinct - The last sentence in your introduction, for example, says "the text is timeless" in about two or three different ways. Watch out for this sort of redundancy!
- Nice structure to your paragraphs, concepts well set up and well brought together
- Be careful not to retell the plot as a way to argue your point, watch for places where you are just writing what happened in the text. Focus should be on techniques
- Ditto, don't tell me what techniques reveal about Kane. Tell me what they reveal about the themes and what they teach the audience directly!
- Add a little more beef to your conclusion, really bring things together properly and make sure you've responded to the question (when you have it) correctly
Hopefully this little bit of last minute feedback is helpful - Good luck ;D
Thanks alot Jamon!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 19, 2017, 08:55:09 pm
Hi, thank you so much. I know it's last minute, and I'm normally more organised than this but I've had so many assessments this week and English was my last priority. I understand if you can't get it back to me on time!
Annnnd a few last minute comments for you Beth :)
- You have an excellent understanding of the concepts. Ideas are well thought out and logically developed.
- Good analytical style - Technique, quote, and analysis of what it represents. Great work there.
- Further links to what the audience learns from the text would be beneficial, what specific further understanding does the audience gain from the text and the techniques within?
- Be careful not to slip into retelling the story, a few places where you are relying on plot to do the work for you
- I like that you've left room to link to the question at the conclusion of a paragraph - Make sure you do this, very important
- Don't describe what we learn about characters (EG - to describe Daisy's emotions), be sure to describe what we learn about themes in general - The characters are just puppets!
I think you've got an effective plan - Be sure it doesn't restrict you, be ready to adapt significantly if the question is different than you expect, even with the themes they could do something tricky. Good luck!! ;D
Post by: herb123 on June 19, 2017, 09:04:58 pm
Hey herb! As above, in the interests of getting you this before tomorrow, just some quick comments:Thanks again for the feedback but their was one main question i forgot to ask.
- Be sure your ideas are broken up properly with commas, in some places I had to do some grouping in my head to make sense of your sentences.
- Be succinct - The last sentence in your introduction, for example, says "the text is timeless" in about two or three different ways. Watch out for this sort of redundancy!
- Nice structure to your paragraphs, concepts well set up and well brought together
- Be careful not to retell the plot as a way to argue your point, watch for places where you are just writing what happened in the text. Focus should be on techniques
- Ditto, don't tell me what techniques reveal about Kane. Tell me what they reveal about the themes and what they teach the audience directly!
- Add a little more beef to your conclusion, really bring things together properly and make sure you've responded to the question (when you have it) correctly
Hopefully this little bit of last minute feedback is helpful - Good luck ;D
Like my essay is pretty narrow in its aguments and im worried cos Mod B has the tendency to throw curveball questions on specifc ideas
So whilst i probs have to retain the same ideas and quotes etc in my argument but is their anyway i can easily adapt my topic sentence and consequently paragraphs to suit different questions
would it be like:
broad statement addressing q -> then how this relates how eg. obsessive pursuit of ambition explores this
i really struggled with this in our exam :(
Post by: bethr on June 19, 2017, 09:21:08 pm
Annnnd a few last minute comments for you Beth :)
- You have an excellent understanding of the concepts. Ideas are well thought out and logically developed.
- Good analytical style - Technique, quote, and analysis of what it represents. Great work there.
- Further links to what the audience learns from the text would be beneficial, what specific further understanding does the audience gain from the text and the techniques within?
- Be careful not to slip into retelling the story, a few places where you are relying on plot to do the work for you
- I like that you've left room to link to the question at the conclusion of a paragraph - Make sure you do this, very important
- Don't describe what we learn about characters (EG - to describe Daisy's emotions), be sure to describe what we learn about themes in general - The characters are just puppets!
I think you've got an effective plan - Be sure it doesn't restrict you, be ready to adapt significantly if the question is different than you expect, even with the themes they could do something tricky. Good luck!! ;D
Wow, thank you so much! That's helped relieve my stress a little bit :) I'm sorry again for the last minute request.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 19, 2017, 09:22:25 pm
Thanks again for the feedback but their was one main question i forgot to ask.
Like my essay is pretty narrow in its aguments and im worried cos Mod B has the tendency to throw curveball questions on specifc ideas
So whilst i probs have to retain the same ideas and quotes etc in my argument but is their anyway i can easily adapt my topic sentence and consequently paragraphs to suit different questions
would it be like:
broad statement addressing q -> then how this relates how eg. obsessive pursuit of ambition explores this
i really struggled with this in our exam :(
Don't worry, I struggled a lot with this too! The trick is to define the key words cleverly such that your ideas don't need to change so much. For example, let's say I really wanted to talk about ambition, but the question was on the nature of love (or something). Seems different, but if I define my Thesis to say that love can only truly take hold if ambition is put aside, suddenly I have a link between the two. I'm pulling this from nowhere of course, but this is the sort of thing you need. Take the key words, and think, How can I make this suit what I want to discuss?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 19, 2017, 09:23:05 pm
Wow, thank you so much! That's helped relieve my stress a little bit :) I'm sorry again for the last minute request.
You are welcome! Oh don't be sorry, I'm just bummed I couldn't give more detailed feedback. Next time hopefully :)
Post by: georgiia on June 19, 2017, 09:28:15 pm
Hey Georgia! In the interests of trying to get you some feedback before your assessment tomorrow, I'm not going to go through the whole thing in detail, just provide some overall comments! It won't count towards your 15 post requirement and you can come back and use those another time :)
- Good ideas presented in the introduction - Be sure they are expressed clearly. Being overly verbose will hinder you sometimes. Nice work - I'd avoid first person at the end there though!
- Excellent analytical style, fantastic links to the context of the 21st century reader
- Be sure that every quote you provide has a technique associated with it, avoid saying "the line" as much as possible. It should always be "the simile" or "the symbolism in", etc etc
- Be sure of your arguments - Don't say a conclusion is 'plausible,' argue it home as if there is no other truth!
- Avoid rhetorical questions (unless this is a speech)
- Try to discuss themes not characters (don't discuss what we learn about Prufrock, discuss what we learn more generally - Even if you then link to something more general, Prufrock isn't a necessary step to that end)
- Be sure to make a judgement, the question is asking "to what extent," you need to put in evaluative verbs, even something as obvious as "to a significant extent," to answer the question properly.
Hopefully the last minute feedback is helpful - Good luck :)
Thank you so much for the feedback, I'll be sure to take it into account in my exam tomorrow.
Thank you!!
Post by: herb123 on June 19, 2017, 09:50:10 pm
Don't worry, I struggled a lot with this too! The trick is to define the key words cleverly such that your ideas don't need to change so much. For example, let's say I really wanted to talk about ambition, but the question was on the nature of love (or something). Seems different, but if I define my Thesis to say that love can only truly take hold if ambition is put aside, suddenly I have a link between the two. I'm pulling this from nowhere of course, but this is the sort of thing you need. Take the key words, and think, How can I make this suit what I want to discuss?
Thanks so much!!
Post by: jingyi.ren1999 on June 20, 2017, 11:09:09 am
Contemporary texts are often valuable as they allow new perspectives and insights into classic works. Discuss how Looking for Richard has given you more insight into Richard III.
New perspectives and insights are gained through the difference between the composers’ interconnection of the text with their society. A comparative study of William Shakespeare’s play, Richard the Third and Al Pacino’s docu-drama, Looking for Richard highlights the difference in gender roles and characterisation with respective societal influences affecting their representation. Due to the influence of a monarchical power structure in the Elizabethan era paralleling with 20th century politics … Audiences are able to follow the movement of a patriarchal society to contemporary societal values.
Shakespeare constructed Richard the Third with specific choice of language and structure to reflect the idea of patriarchal construct in his context. This contrasts with Pacino’s context to represent the shift in gender values as shown through his camera techniques and dialogue. The seduction of Lady Anne indicates the dominance of male power in the 16th century. The use of ‘I’, ‘thy’, and ‘me’ in ‘For I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me” highlights Richards utter authority and power as he blames the murder on the weak and vulnerable Lady Anne. Much differently, Pacino’s association of age by power is seen through the casting of Lady Anne. “As young as you can get and be able to do Shakespeare’, the shift of values from the patriarchy to the association of youth to powerlessness rather than gender suggests the gender equality within the modern context . Female powerlessness is furthered in Shakespeare’s play by the representation of the Queen, “By him that raised me to this careful height’ allows interpretation of how a woman’s power is associated with men. Much like Margaret “all the pleasures you unsurp are mine’ again represents the transiency of female power and allows for the interpretation of total social constraint and a male driven society. Through the shift in medium, Pacino utilises the mix of close up and mid shots in combination with emotive language to reshape the perception of gender roles to a more balanced relationship between men and women. The female actor Allen challenges male power in rehearsal suggestive of female empowerment in contemporary society through her aggressive tone’ Why make them incompetent? Why make them weak?’ This allows interpretation of the shared equal voice between men and women. Ultimately, Shakespeare and Pacino utilised different literary techniques to construct female empowerment in their different contextual backgrounds allowing audiences to follow the shift in female power from a patriarchal society to gender equality .
Characterisation as influenced by context suggests the political status of its society. Owing to his loyalty to the Tudor monarch, Elizabeth I, Shakespeare depicts Richard as ruthless and evil which cis eerily similar to Pacino’s representation of Richard in a fashion more accessible for modern audiences. Richard is portrayed as a demon-like creature through his black clothing, the colour of evil and malice as well as his action of constantly lurking in the darkness which can be interpreted as his refusal of the allure of light. Due to contextual differences, Shakespeare’s exaggerates Richard’s malice through soliloquies and his victims overlook his dishonesty and are complicit in their own destruction as they allow themselves to be influenced by his charisma. The irony in Hastings’ remark “For by his face straight shall you know his heart’ exaggerates Hastings’ trust and loyalty towards Richard yet is quickly contradicted to ‘thou protector of this damned strumpet...thou art a traitor off with his head’ highlights Richard’s manipulative control over others. Ultimately, the characterisation owing to contextual influences allow audience to gain the manipulative control of Richard in both texts
The target audience of a piece of literature influences the characterisation within the text. In Pacino’s context, audiences have no prejudice or pre-set values that affect their attitude towards Richard yet through monarchical influences, Shakespeare’s audience can not sympathises with Richard in his entirety. Pacino’s manipulation of Richard’s representation is exaggerated to appeal to a fashion and beauty obssessed society. Richard’s disproportional body gains sympathy from contemporary audiences as he is judged based on his outward appearance unlike with the Shakespeare audience where their preconceived idea of Richard as a ‘caco-demon’ through monarchical myths would not aspire sympathetic response. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s manifestation of evil through religious connotation in ‘I clothe my naked villainy with old ends stolen out of holy writ’ provides insight into Richard’s Machiavellian nature and the omission of the divine rights of king. This contrasts with the Shakespearean audience’s conceptual ideology of Richard influenced by the monarch reigned at that period to the dramatization of Richard’s fall in Pacino’s context. The portrayal of Richard’s death is Hollywoodized to suit the American context whereby the audience can sympathise further through that representation.
Ultimately, the representation of gender roles and characterisation of Richard in different contexts allows the audience to follow the transition of the patriarchal society to the gender equality in contemporary society. Also the political influences regarding the characterisation of Richard’s evil is suggestive of the power of his monarchical status to the political status in contemporary society. Pacino allows audience to gain new perspective of the contextual society in the Shakespearean era.
Post by: herb123 on June 20, 2017, 03:52:39 pm
Don't worry, I struggled a lot with this too! The trick is to define the key words cleverly such that your ideas don't need to change so much. For example, let's say I really wanted to talk about ambition, but the question was on the nature of love (or something). Seems different, but if I define my Thesis to say that love can only truly take hold if ambition is put aside, suddenly I have a link between the two. I'm pulling this from nowhere of course, but this is the sort of thing you need. Take the key words, and think, How can I make this suit what I want to discuss?
Thanks so much man
The question ended up being really different (how are memories used...) as expected but thanks to ur tips i was able to draw strong (i hope) connections to my arguments!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 20, 2017, 06:10:53 pm
Can you mark this Module A Question? im not sure how to improve it as I received a 13/20 for the mark. Thanks!
Contemporary texts are often valuable as they allow new perspectives and insights into classic works. Discuss how Looking for Richard has given you more insight into Richard III.
New perspectives and insights are gained through the difference between the composers’ interconnection of the text with their society. A comparative study of William Shakespeare’s play, Richard the Third and Al Pacino’s docu-drama, Looking for Richard highlights the difference in gender roles and characterisation with respective societal influences affecting their representation. Due to the influence of a monarchical power structure in the Elizabethan era paralleling with 20th century politics … Audiences are able to follow the movement of a patriarchal society to contemporary societal values.
Hey there! Unfortunately we can't give you the full feedback you'd like until you reach 15 ATAR Notes posts! Not too difficult to do - search around, ask some questions, any some questions, and you'll be there in no time! If you'd like I can have a look at a specific paragraph that's troubling you if you need urgent feedback to see if you're on the right track. But, to get the full piece marked, 15 posts is what we need! Let me know if I can help you around the forums at all :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 20, 2017, 09:15:50 pm
Thanks so much man
The question ended up being really different (how are memories used...) as expected but thanks to ur tips i was able to draw strong (i hope) connections to my arguments!
Great to hear! Glad my tips were helpful ;D
Post by: bethr on June 20, 2017, 10:43:55 pm
About 3 weeks ago we had to do a speech for Mod B. I'd thought I'd done well in it. I worked on it really hard with my tutor, I asked for multiple people's opinions,and they all thought that it was a solid response. Or so they thought. I did really poorly in it. When I went to go see the teacher who marked my speech for extra feedback, she simply regurgitated to me what I already knew. So could you guys tell me your opinion of it and where I went wrong? And what mark you would've given it? I don't want to give you any preconceived ideas in telling you my mark but this was my feedback: A very good speech Beth with a powerful opening thesis statement. You had great links to values and beliefs in your Sadat analysis, less so in Atwood. Your topic sentences linked quite well to the question for Sadat; again, less so for Atwood. It was pleasing to hear your attempt at synthesis. Your delivery was very good and you maintained very good eye contact with the examiners. (I'm in absolutely no rush to get feedback for this anytime soon) Thank you so much!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 20, 2017, 11:03:27 pm
Hello!
...
Hey beth! We'll get this marked soon for you, just to clarify, were those comments from your teacher or your tutor? ;D
Post by: Wales on June 21, 2017, 12:22:39 am
It would be great if you can get me feedback before Friday :) I'm looking for specific feedback on the conceptual structure and the way I've embedded the concepts. If there are breakdowns in reasoning etc. I'll edit this with questions I have if I come across anything.
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers can creates a world space that allows the audience to understand the concealed truths behind political actions. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) depicts the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology and exercises the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through hyperbole of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on society with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and the recurring substitutes for profanity “Oh Ford”. The satirical remarks signify the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody which resonates with the dystopic nature of a totalitarianistic society whereby individuals are uneducated about true divine beliefs. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values in the New World such as the ubiquitous encouragement of promiscuity. Huxley’s jargon when describing children “ Barring a little surreptitious auto-erotism and homo-sexuality -- absolutely nothing” contrasts the dissolution of values and diminishes the intrinsic innocent nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of control and autocratic rule to create a capitalist consumerist world space where predetermination and powerlessness is promoted. By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley unveils the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates on the limited freedoms of it’s citizens.
Individuals often deluded into trusting the word of politicians but in a society where political collusion is prominent it is crucial to distinguish between the phantasmic political ideology of security and actions taken to meet said ideologies. Snowden captures the central ideas of manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Oliver Stone depicts the impunity of the Government through the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” which portrays an abuse of authority and a clear invasion of privacy clearly contradicting the quintessential American Civil Liberty of the right to be secure, promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people.
As society slowly regresses into a nihilistic perspective, the fundamental humanist values of life dissipate. Huxley inverts the values society clings heavily upon and explores the twisted nature of the lust for axiomatic rule over the people and desensitises the actions to which the world state executes to obtain power. Huxley furthers the inversion of the value human life through the idiosyncratic imagery “ where the Alpha’s and Beta’s remained bottled” completely disregarding the intrinsic worth of an individual by associating inanimate objects with the sacred rite of birth. The world leaders further emphasise the lack of inherent value of their citizens through blunt phrasing “ you might decondition…” highlighting objectification of human life illustrating the loss of human values. Similarly Stone’s use of sinister music while Edward is shown the capabilities of PRISM, (a government spyware) depicts the inherent evil nature of illicit data collection and the relationship between the government's ideology of security and the clandestine actions taken accentuated through the dark lighting in the computer room alluding to the implicit violation of the rights of citizens. Both composers utlise appropriate thematic mediums to convey the nihilistic ideals which determine the states actions and illustrate the ways the people have their human rights violated.
In order to achieve the ultimate goal of a dystopic society where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people, clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result. Huxley opposes the traditional approach of oppression to obtain control by exploiting the happiness of the citizens by subverting the connatural structure of human life through scientific means such as embryonic conditioning and bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable state, whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying if one is not educated they are unable to be troubled. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of the state. Stone proposes the Government exercises similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of exploiting the innocent. Stone further displays the Governement dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of political journalism. The intertextual relation to Orwell’s 1984 alludes to the Government’s oppressive nature and its approach to attaining control through fear which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward when he converses with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s control. By understanding the differing evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature politics.
By acknowledging the complex nature one’s approach to representation individuals are enlightened to the differing perspectives offered by the composer. When comparing both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control, one is exposed to the dark thematics of a dystopian society where a lack of autonomous desire overrides the populace. Both composers share effective an authorial desire to evoke the audience in order to explore the conflicting perspectives of an dystopic world space.
Cheers :D
Wales~
Post by: Hebah on June 21, 2017, 04:22:01 am
Post by: Wales on June 21, 2017, 08:52:32 am
Hi :D can i please ask if this forum is still open for submitting essays? Ireally like your work and struggle on my own feedback
Of course! You just need 15 posts for an essay marked.
Post around and ask questions :D You'll love this place. Come for the essay and stay for the banter.
Post by: bethr on June 21, 2017, 11:27:57 am
Hey beth! We'll get this marked soon for you, just to clarify, were those comments from your teacher or your tutor? ;D
Feedback from my teacher :)
Post by: Hebah on June 22, 2017, 12:26:21 am
Of course! You just need 15 posts for an essay marked.
Post around and ask questions :D You'll love this place. Come for the essay and stay for the banter.
Thank you for your reply! And yeah, I'm already loving it, wish I found out about this sooner :P
Post by: Wales on June 22, 2017, 12:35:11 am
Thank you for your reply! And yeah, I'm already loving it, wish I found out about this sooner :P
Never too late :) Glad you're enjoying the community. You'll get to love it the more you immerse yourself :D
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 22, 2017, 02:03:57 pm
Hey :D I've finished the draft for my essay now.
It would be great if you can get me feedback before Friday :) I'm looking for specific feedback on the conceptual structure and the way I've embedded the concepts. If there are breakdowns in reasoning etc. I'll edit this with questions I have if I come across anything.
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Hey Wales! I'll have a look at this one for you :)
Spoiler
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Nice! Although, in order to be more true, I would say "societies" instead of society, because usually dystopic authors draw on aspects of various societies at the present time to blend a new setting. Small change, but I think it makes a difference. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers can creates a world space that allows the audience to understand the concealed truths behind political actions. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers are able to invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. (I'm suggesting a new wording for you that puts forward the idea of "representation" in a subtle way. Also, I'm not sure about the word "applicable" before medium - I don't know what we gain from adding that word. What do you think?) Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016)depicts represents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology and exercises the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. I'd take this last chance as an opportunity to highlight the "relationship" between politics and people. It's not about rewriting the sentence, but just adjusting the wording. "Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes..." Something like this. In Module C there are two key things to remember: representation and relationships. Obviously just dropping the words down here there and everywhere won't get you marks, but because (based on your introduction) your work is at a high level already, it's just about going back and manipulating the wording to sound original, sophisticated, yet explicitly responsive to the module's demands.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through hyperbole of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on society with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and the recurring substitutes for profanity “Oh Ford”. The satirical remarks signify the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody which resonates with the dystopic nature of a totalitarianistic society whereby individuals are uneducated about true divine beliefs. I think this last sentence is a bit too long for me to digest everything in its entirety. I read it a few times and I've underlined the words where I was like "oh, it's still going!" I think if you split this up you offer yourself more room for a better analysis. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values in the New World such as the ubiquitous encouragement of promiscuity. Huxley’s jargon when describing children “ Barring a little surreptitious auto-erotism and homo-sexuality -- absolutely nothing” contrasts the dissolution of values and diminishes the intrinsic innocent nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of control and autocratic rule to create a capitalist consumerist world space where predetermination and powerlessness amongst who? is promoted. By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley unveils the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates on the limited freedoms of it’s citizens. Nice! Although you've used synonyms here for "people and politics" in this last sentence, it still works :)
Individuals are often deluded into trusting the word of politicians but in a society where political collusion is prominent it is crucial to distinguish between the phantasmic political ideology of security and actions taken to meet said ideologies. The only thing I don't like about this sentence is "crucial" - crucial for who? crucial for what? So, is it crucial for the individuals to make this differentiation, or crucial for the audience? Perhaps you could invert the sentence, by saying there are two interpretations of politics, the phantasmic or the actions. Then in a new sentence, say, "The powerlessness nature of individuals means they are often deluded..." or something to this effect. At the moment the sentence isn't too long, but by shuffling and reorganising the words I think it could work better. Snowden captures the central ideas of manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Oliver Stone depicts the impunity of the Government through the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” which portrays an abuse of authority and a clear invasion of privacy clearly contradicting the quintessential American Civil Liberty of the right to be secure, promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Yes! Loveeee this sentence. Flawless. Stellar. Perfection.Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom is? Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people. Really, really good analysis here. Just enough representation and relationships to be Module C without taking it too far.
As society slowly regresses into a nihilistic perspective, the fundamental humanist values of life dissipate. In a society regressing into a nihilistic perspective... I'd use this wording instead because "as society" assumes too much of the reader to understand the specific society you discuss. Because I assumed you are talking about our contemporary society, but I don't necessarily think we are regressing into that, and then Huxley's text wasn't written in these few recent years either, so it can't be that society... but if you say "in a society" then your statement becomes more true, and also implies it is true of the society in the text specifically. Huxley inverts the values society clings heavily upon I think this is too airey, I'd like to know specifically the values,
or at least what they pertain to. The values of democracy? equality? and explores the twisted nature of the lust for axiomatic rule over the people and desensitises the actions to which the world state executes to obtain power. Huxley furthers the inversion of the value human life through the idiosyncratic imagery “ where the Alpha’s and Beta’s remained bottled” completely disregarding the intrinsic worth of an individual by associating inanimate objects with the sacred rite of birth. The world leaders further emphasise the lack of inherent value of their citizens through blunt phrasing “ you might decondition…” highlighting objectification of human life illustrating the loss of human values. Similarly Stone’s use of sinister music while Edward is shown the capabilities of PRISM, (a government spyware) depicts the inherent evil nature of illicit data collection and the relationship between the government's ideology of security and the clandestine actions taken accentuated through the dark lighting in the computer room alluding to the implicit violation of the rights of citizens. Both composers utlise typo, utilise :) appropriate thematic mediums to convey the nihilistic ideals which determine the states actions and illustrate the ways the people have their human rights violated.
In order to achieve the ultimate goal of a dystopic society where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people, clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result. Sorry, I keep picking apart your concept statements! What I want to adjust here is "dystopic society." "In order to achieve the ultimate goal of a dystopic society.." recognise that if the goal is to be dystopian, then it probably is far more utopian than dystopian to the person who has that goal. Also, "in order" is used twice in the sentence. I'm being picky, but I think clarity at the start of your paragraph has a lot to do with the way the rest of the paragraph is received by a marker. The first sentence shows the marker what to expect, it sets the direction, it wets the apetite,
so to say. So ultimate clarity here is important in order to guarantee the rest of your paragraph is received as intended.Huxley opposes the traditional approach of oppression to obtain control by exploiting the happiness of the citizens by subverting the connatural structure of human life through scientific means such as embryonic conditioning and bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable state, whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying if one is not educated they are unable to be troubled. We have ourselves another very long sentence ;) It doesn't help that there are big words/jargon in here that makes it all the more to chew on. Instead of sacrificing these good words for more digestible ones, I'd change up the sentence structure, even if it means splitting it in two. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of the state. Stone proposes the Government exercises similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of exploiting the innocent. Stone further displays the Governement dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of political journalism. The intertextual relation to Orwell’s 1984 alludes to the Government’s oppressive nature and its approach to attaining control through fear which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward when he converses with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s control. By understanding the differing evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature politics. Until the second last sentence in this paragraph, we haven't talked about powerlessness. Somewhat unusually, your essay question isn't double barrelled, it only requests you talk about one thing and that is powerlessness in relation to powerful. I'd make it more of a priority in this one to attack this more head on, especially coming towards the end of your essay where we want to leave the best impression possible.
By acknowledging the complex nature one’s approach to representation individuals are enlightened to the differing perspectives offered by the composer. When comparing both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control, one is exposed to the dark thematics of a dystopian society where a lack of autonomous desire overrides the populace. Both composers share effective an authorial desire to evoke the audience in order to explore the conflicting perspectives of an dystopic a dystopian* world space.There are differing opinions about the importance of a conclusion, but I tend to think they are the last taste you give a marker so make it good. For this reason, I'd be using the words of the question a bit more. Synonyms are great, but one last sentence to tie the idea of ordinary citizens with powerlessness, as a direct result of politics, will really bring it home.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Nice! Although, in order to be more true, I would say "societies" instead of society, because usually dystopic authors draw on aspects of various societies at the present time to blend a new setting. Small change, but I think it makes a difference. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers can creates a world space that allows the audience to understand the concealed truths behind political actions. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers are able to invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. (I'm suggesting a new wording for you that puts forward the idea of "representation" in a subtle way. Also, I'm not sure about the word "applicable" before medium - I don't know what we gain from adding that word. What do you think?) Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016)
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through hyperbole of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on society with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and the recurring substitutes for profanity “Oh Ford”. The satirical remarks signify the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody which resonates with the dystopic nature of a totalitarianistic society whereby individuals are uneducated about true divine beliefs. I think this last sentence is a bit too long for me to digest everything in its entirety. I read it a few times and I've underlined the words where I was like "oh, it's still going!" I think if you split this up you offer yourself more room for a better analysis. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values in the New World such as the ubiquitous encouragement of promiscuity. Huxley’s jargon when describing children “ Barring a little surreptitious auto-erotism and homo-sexuality -- absolutely nothing” contrasts the dissolution of values and diminishes the intrinsic innocent nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of control and autocratic rule to create a capitalist consumerist world space where predetermination and powerlessness amongst who? is promoted. By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley unveils the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates on the limited freedoms of it’s citizens. Nice! Although you've used synonyms here for "people and politics" in this last sentence, it still works :)
Individuals are often deluded into trusting the word of politicians but in a society where political collusion is prominent it is crucial to distinguish between the phantasmic political ideology of security and actions taken to meet said ideologies. The only thing I don't like about this sentence is "crucial" - crucial for who? crucial for what? So, is it crucial for the individuals to make this differentiation, or crucial for the audience? Perhaps you could invert the sentence, by saying there are two interpretations of politics, the phantasmic or the actions. Then in a new sentence, say, "The powerlessness nature of individuals means they are often deluded..." or something to this effect. At the moment the sentence isn't too long, but by shuffling and reorganising the words I think it could work better. Snowden captures the central ideas of manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Oliver Stone depicts the impunity of the Government through the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” which portrays an abuse of authority and a clear invasion of privacy clearly contradicting the quintessential American Civil Liberty of the right to be secure, promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Yes! Loveeee this sentence. Flawless. Stellar. Perfection.Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom is? Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people. Really, really good analysis here. Just enough representation and relationships to be Module C without taking it too far.
As society slowly regresses into a nihilistic perspective, the fundamental humanist values of life dissipate. In a society regressing into a nihilistic perspective... I'd use this wording instead because "as society" assumes too much of the reader to understand the specific society you discuss. Because I assumed you are talking about our contemporary society, but I don't necessarily think we are regressing into that, and then Huxley's text wasn't written in these few recent years either, so it can't be that society... but if you say "in a society" then your statement becomes more true, and also implies it is true of the society in the text specifically. Huxley inverts the values society clings heavily upon I think this is too airey, I'd like to know specifically the values,
or at least what they pertain to. The values of democracy? equality? and explores the twisted nature of the lust for axiomatic rule over the people and desensitises the actions to which the world state executes to obtain power. Huxley furthers the inversion of the value human life through the idiosyncratic imagery “ where the Alpha’s and Beta’s remained bottled” completely disregarding the intrinsic worth of an individual by associating inanimate objects with the sacred rite of birth. The world leaders further emphasise the lack of inherent value of their citizens through blunt phrasing “ you might decondition…” highlighting objectification of human life illustrating the loss of human values. Similarly Stone’s use of sinister music while Edward is shown the capabilities of PRISM, (a government spyware) depicts the inherent evil nature of illicit data collection and the relationship between the government's ideology of security and the clandestine actions taken accentuated through the dark lighting in the computer room alluding to the implicit violation of the rights of citizens. Both composers utlise typo, utilise :) appropriate thematic mediums to convey the nihilistic ideals which determine the states actions and illustrate the ways the people have their human rights violated.
In order to achieve the ultimate goal of a dystopic society where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people, clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result. Sorry, I keep picking apart your concept statements! What I want to adjust here is "dystopic society." "In order to achieve the ultimate goal of a dystopic society.." recognise that if the goal is to be dystopian, then it probably is far more utopian than dystopian to the person who has that goal. Also, "in order" is used twice in the sentence. I'm being picky, but I think clarity at the start of your paragraph has a lot to do with the way the rest of the paragraph is received by a marker. The first sentence shows the marker what to expect, it sets the direction, it wets the apetite,
so to say. So ultimate clarity here is important in order to guarantee the rest of your paragraph is received as intended.Huxley opposes the traditional approach of oppression to obtain control by exploiting the happiness of the citizens by subverting the connatural structure of human life through scientific means such as embryonic conditioning and bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable state, whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying if one is not educated they are unable to be troubled. We have ourselves another very long sentence ;) It doesn't help that there are big words/jargon in here that makes it all the more to chew on. Instead of sacrificing these good words for more digestible ones, I'd change up the sentence structure, even if it means splitting it in two. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of the state. Stone proposes the Government exercises similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of exploiting the innocent. Stone further displays the Governement dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of political journalism. The intertextual relation to Orwell’s 1984 alludes to the Government’s oppressive nature and its approach to attaining control through fear which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward when he converses with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s control. By understanding the differing evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature politics. Until the second last sentence in this paragraph, we haven't talked about powerlessness. Somewhat unusually, your essay question isn't double barrelled, it only requests you talk about one thing and that is powerlessness in relation to powerful. I'd make it more of a priority in this one to attack this more head on, especially coming towards the end of your essay where we want to leave the best impression possible.
By acknowledging the complex nature one’s approach to representation individuals are enlightened to the differing perspectives offered by the composer. When comparing both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control, one is exposed to the dark thematics of a dystopian society where a lack of autonomous desire overrides the populace. Both composers share effective an authorial desire to evoke the audience in order to explore the conflicting perspectives of an dystopic a dystopian* world space.There are differing opinions about the importance of a conclusion, but I tend to think they are the last taste you give a marker so make it good. For this reason, I'd be using the words of the question a bit more. Synonyms are great, but one last sentence to tie the idea of ordinary citizens with powerlessness, as a direct result of politics, will really bring it home.
Okay...most comments are in the spoiler as they've been pretty specific. Reason being, the structure of your work is fine in my opinion. Each paragraph has a clear direction, although the concept statements need a little refining just to bring it up to perfection (of course this is your draft so there is room for you to adjust things). There are a few times where the sentences are a little too long and it doesn't help the subject matter reflects a lot of jargon. Again, simple grooming will improve this and I've specifically suggested where.
On the whole the structure works, although I know you're wondering if you should take a more integrated approach. The benefit of integration is that it feels like you're having more of a comparative discussion about a singular topic, rather than applying a topic to two different situations/texts. But, although the paragraphs are dominated by a single text for the most part, it doesn't feel disjointed, non-cohesive (I always thought the word was uncohesive or incohesive but it's giving me a squiggly error line for both of them lol), or anything like that. So, if you choose to take on that more integrated approach you do so as experimentation for a more suitable structure, rather than a desperate way for you to achieve better marks. Let me know what you think! Does it all make sense? Happy to help more where I can.
Post by: Wales on June 23, 2017, 05:24:13 pm
Hey Wales! I'll have a look at this one for you :)SpoilerPolitics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Nice! Although, in order to be more true, I would say "societies" instead of society, because usually dystopic authors draw on aspects of various societies at the present time to blend a new setting. Small change, but I think it makes a difference. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers can creates a world space that allows the audience to understand the concealed truths behind political actions. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers are able to invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. (I'm suggesting a new wording for you that puts forward the idea of "representation" in a subtle way. Also, I'm not sure about the word "applicable" before medium - I don't know what we gain from adding that word. What do you think?) Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016)depictsrepresents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology and exercises the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. I'd take this last chance as an opportunity to highlight the "relationship" between politics and people. It's not about rewriting the sentence, but just adjusting the wording. "Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes..." Something like this. In Module C there are two key things to remember: representation and relationships. Obviously just dropping the words down here there and everywhere won't get you marks, but because (based on your introduction) your work is at a high level already, it's just about going back and manipulating the wording to sound original, sophisticated, yet explicitly responsive to the module's demands.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through hyperbole of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on society with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and the recurring substitutes for profanity “Oh Ford”. The satirical remarks signify the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody which resonates with the dystopic nature of a totalitarianistic society whereby individuals are uneducated about true divine beliefs. I think this last sentence is a bit too long for me to digest everything in its entirety. I read it a few times and I've underlined the words where I was like "oh, it's still going!" I think if you split this up you offer yourself more room for a better analysis. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values in the New World such as the ubiquitous encouragement of promiscuity. Huxley’s jargon when describing children “ Barring a little surreptitious auto-erotism and homo-sexuality -- absolutely nothing” contrasts the dissolution of values and diminishes the intrinsic innocent nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of control and autocratic rule to create a capitalist consumerist world space where predetermination and powerlessness amongst who? is promoted. By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley unveils the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates on the limited freedoms of it’s citizens. Nice! Although you've used synonyms here for "people and politics" in this last sentence, it still works :)
Individuals are often deluded into trusting the word of politicians but in a society where political collusion is prominent it is crucial to distinguish between the phantasmic political ideology of security and actions taken to meet said ideologies. The only thing I don't like about this sentence is "crucial" - crucial for who? crucial for what? So, is it crucial for the individuals to make this differentiation, or crucial for the audience? Perhaps you could invert the sentence, by saying there are two interpretations of politics, the phantasmic or the actions. Then in a new sentence, say, "The powerlessness nature of individuals means they are often deluded..." or something to this effect. At the moment the sentence isn't too long, but by shuffling and reorganising the words I think it could work better. Snowden captures the central ideas of manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Oliver Stone depicts the impunity of the Government through the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” which portrays an abuse of authority and a clear invasion of privacy clearly contradicting the quintessential American Civil Liberty of the right to be secure, promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Yes! Loveeee this sentence. Flawless. Stellar. Perfection.Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom is? Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people. Really, really good analysis here. Just enough representation and relationships to be Module C without taking it too far.
As society slowly regresses into a nihilistic perspective, the fundamental humanist values of life dissipate. In a society regressing into a nihilistic perspective... I'd use this wording instead because "as society" assumes too much of the reader to understand the specific society you discuss. Because I assumed you are talking about our contemporary society, but I don't necessarily think we are regressing into that, and then Huxley's text wasn't written in these few recent years either, so it can't be that society... but if you say "in a society" then your statement becomes more true, and also implies it is true of the society in the text specifically. Huxley inverts the values society clings heavily upon I think this is too airey, I'd like to know specifically the values,
or at least what they pertain to. The values of democracy? equality? and explores the twisted nature of the lust for axiomatic rule over the people and desensitises the actions to which the world state executes to obtain power. Huxley furthers the inversion of the value human life through the idiosyncratic imagery “ where the Alpha’s and Beta’s remained bottled” completely disregarding the intrinsic worth of an individual by associating inanimate objects with the sacred rite of birth. The world leaders further emphasise the lack of inherent value of their citizens through blunt phrasing “ you might decondition…” highlighting objectification of human life illustrating the loss of human values. Similarly Stone’s use of sinister music while Edward is shown the capabilities of PRISM, (a government spyware) depicts the inherent evil nature of illicit data collection and the relationship between the government's ideology of security and the clandestine actions taken accentuated through the dark lighting in the computer room alluding to the implicit violation of the rights of citizens. Both composers utlise typo, utilise :) appropriate thematic mediums to convey the nihilistic ideals which determine the states actions and illustrate the ways the people have their human rights violated.
In order to achieve the ultimate goal of a dystopic society where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people, clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result. Sorry, I keep picking apart your concept statements! What I want to adjust here is "dystopic society." "In order to achieve the ultimate goal of a dystopic society.." recognise that if the goal is to be dystopian, then it probably is far more utopian than dystopian to the person who has that goal. Also, "in order" is used twice in the sentence. I'm being picky, but I think clarity at the start of your paragraph has a lot to do with the way the rest of the paragraph is received by a marker. The first sentence shows the marker what to expect, it sets the direction, it wets the apetite,
so to say. So ultimate clarity here is important in order to guarantee the rest of your paragraph is received as intended.Huxley opposes the traditional approach of oppression to obtain control by exploiting the happiness of the citizens by subverting the connatural structure of human life through scientific means such as embryonic conditioning and bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable state, whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying if one is not educated they are unable to be troubled. We have ourselves another very long sentence ;) It doesn't help that there are big words/jargon in here that makes it all the more to chew on. Instead of sacrificing these good words for more digestible ones, I'd change up the sentence structure, even if it means splitting it in two. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of the state. Stone proposes the Government exercises similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of exploiting the innocent. Stone further displays the Governement dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of political journalism. The intertextual relation to Orwell’s 1984 alludes to the Government’s oppressive nature and its approach to attaining control through fear which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward when he converses with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s control. By understanding the differing evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature politics. Until the second last sentence in this paragraph, we haven't talked about powerlessness. Somewhat unusually, your essay question isn't double barrelled, it only requests you talk about one thing and that is powerlessness in relation to powerful. I'd make it more of a priority in this one to attack this more head on, especially coming towards the end of your essay where we want to leave the best impression possible.
By acknowledging the complex nature one’s approach to representation individuals are enlightened to the differing perspectives offered by the composer. When comparing both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control, one is exposed to the dark thematics of a dystopian society where a lack of autonomous desire overrides the populace. Both composers share effective an authorial desire to evoke the audience in order to explore the conflicting perspectives of an dystopic a dystopian* world space.There are differing opinions about the importance of a conclusion, but I tend to think they are the last taste you give a marker so make it good. For this reason, I'd be using the words of the question a bit more. Synonyms are great, but one last sentence to tie the idea of ordinary citizens with powerlessness, as a direct result of politics, will really bring it home.
Okay...most comments are in the spoiler as they've been pretty specific. Reason being, the structure of your work is fine in my opinion. Each paragraph has a clear direction, although the concept statements need a little refining just to bring it up to perfection (of course this is your draft so there is room for you to adjust things). There are a few times where the sentences are a little too long and it doesn't help the subject matter reflects a lot of jargon. Again, simple grooming will improve this and I've specifically suggested where.
On the whole the structure works, although I know you're wondering if you should take a more integrated approach. The benefit of integration is that it feels like you're having more of a comparative discussion about a singular topic, rather than applying a topic to two different situations/texts. But, although the paragraphs are dominated by a single text for the most part, it doesn't feel disjointed, non-cohesive (I always thought the word was uncohesive or incohesive but it's giving me a squiggly error line for both of them lol), or anything like that. So, if you choose to take on that more integrated approach you do so as experimentation for a more suitable structure, rather than a desperate way for you to achieve better marks. Let me know what you think! Does it all make sense? Happy to help more where I can.
Thanks loads for the feedback :)
I would have replied earlier but I wanted to finish fixing it up then reply. I've actually changed a fair bit including removing an entire paragraph (thought it was irrelevant and I was 200 words overlimit anyway)
I've asked my teacher about the structure and she's said it's fine. I like the integrated approach because I can contrast the texts. I need to work on the comparison though.
I know it's a lot to ask and I only want you to accept if you're willing but would you mind giving it another read through? I want to perfect it to the point where most sentences leave you with a "wow that was good" idea and it flows well.
If you're busy I completely understand, there's the Western Sydney Expo going on. You're somewhere not in Australia and it's Uni exams time :)
Regards, Wales
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 24, 2017, 07:01:51 am
Thanks loads for the feedback :)
I would have replied earlier but I wanted to finish fixing it up then reply. I've actually changed a fair bit including removing an entire paragraph (thought it was irrelevant and I was 200 words overlimit anyway)
I've asked my teacher about the structure and she's said it's fine. I like the integrated approach because I can contrast the texts. I need to work on the comparison though.
I know it's a lot to ask and I only want you to accept if you're willing but would you mind giving it another read through? I want to perfect it to the point where most sentences leave you with a "wow that was good" idea and it flows well.
If you're busy I completely understand, there's the Western Sydney Expo going on. You're somewhere not in Australia and it's Uni exams time :)
Regards, Wales
Absolutely! Not a worry at all Wales :)
Hello!
About 3 weeks ago we had to do a speech for Mod B. I'd thought I'd done well in it. I worked on it really hard with my tutor, I asked for multiple people's opinions,and they all thought that it was a solid response. Or so they thought. I did really poorly in it. When I went to go see the teacher who marked my speech for extra feedback, she simply regurgitated to me what I already knew. So could you guys tell me your opinion of it and where I went wrong? And what mark you would've given it? I don't want to give you any preconceived ideas in telling you my mark but this was my feedback: A very good speech Beth with a powerful opening thesis statement. You had great links to values and beliefs in your Sadat analysis, less so in Atwood. Your topic sentences linked quite well to the question for Sadat; again, less so for Atwood. It was pleasing to hear your attempt at synthesis. Your delivery was very good and you maintained very good eye contact with the examiners. (I'm in absolutely no rush to get feedback for this anytime soon) Thank you so much!!
I will get to this first thing Saturday morning (I'm not in Australian time at the moment) - sorry to keep you waiting I didn't see your response or else I wouldn't have done Wales first just to keep it in order! Apologies, but feedback is on the way.
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 24, 2017, 09:32:28 pm
Hello!
About 3 weeks ago we had to do a speech for Mod B. I'd thought I'd done well in it. I worked on it really hard with my tutor, I asked for multiple people's opinions,and they all thought that it was a solid response. Or so they thought. I did really poorly in it. When I went to go see the teacher who marked my speech for extra feedback, she simply regurgitated to me what I already knew. So could you guys tell me your opinion of it and where I went wrong? And what mark you would've given it? I don't want to give you any preconceived ideas in telling you my mark but this was my feedback: A very good speech Beth with a powerful opening thesis statement. You had great links to values and beliefs in your Sadat analysis, less so in Atwood. Your topic sentences linked quite well to the question for Sadat; again, less so for Atwood. It was pleasing to hear your attempt at synthesis. Your delivery was very good and you maintained very good eye contact with the examiners. (I'm in absolutely no rush to get feedback for this anytime soon) Thank you so much!!
Hey there! So when you said you spoke to your teacher who just regurgitated what you already know: what was that pertaining to? Was she giving you advice on areas you've already worked on and are continuing to improve, or was it nothing really to do with improvement? I'll look specifically at the analysis of Atwood as it seems your teacher was unimpressed by that part!
Spoiler
How have the composers of the speeches used rhetoric to respond to the dominant values and beliefs of their contexts?
Speeches are a medium through which the composer challenges society’s beliefs and highlight how these beliefs may be compromising common human values. In situations where a political dichotomy prevails, rhetoric can be used to persuade responders to a point of view. Anwar Sadat’s 1977, ‘Statement to the Israeli Knesset’ argues for a renewed pursuit of peace and unity between the Arabs and Israelis, where for generations, there had been cyclical warfare. Comparatively, Margaret Atwood’s 1994 ‘Spotty-Handed Villainesses’ advocates for female characterisation that is bold and nasty and multi-dimensional in the name of feminism. The rhetoric employed by these texts differs in how they appeal to pathos and logos, but converge with their appeal to ethos in the name of justice. In studying these speeches, I have learnt that despite their differing contexts, rhetoric manipulates speeches to forward positive political agendas.
Sadat challenges the societal value of power by appealing to pathos to unite his audience of Egyptians and Israelis by reminding them of shared losses incurred through war. Despite their divisions, Sadat focuses on the common family unit, describing “the families” as “still moaning,” under “the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement”. The auditory imagery of ‘moaning’ elucidates an image of the tangible pain endured by both sides of the conflict. Sadat exploits the subsequent suffering to unite his audience. Sadat uses the imperative, instructing his audience to “tell them we are in for a new beginning to a new life”. The personal pronoun ‘we’, coupled with the high modality, reinforces the textual integrity of his inclusive ‘sacred message’ revealing the importance of his hope for interstate harmony. The tautological ‘new beginning’ and repetition of ‘new’ is representative of their fresh relationship, evidenced in 2015 when the Israeli Embassy reopened in Cairo. These recent events reveal the success of Sadat’s rhetoric. Despite tentative peace between Egypt and Israel, the continuing conflict in the Middle East requires us to reflect again on the relevance of Sadat’s speech today.
In contrast to Sadat, Atwood’s speech is an appeal to logos, a critical evaluation of the integrity of female literary characters regarding real women. I like the comparative nature of logos and pathos between the texts - a very unique link, it works well.She echoes the values of third-wave feminism, which finds itself dismayed that women can only be simplistically represented. She infers that our censorship of women is outdated. At this point, we are three sentences in without analysis yet, more just observations. In the Sadat paragraph above, it took one sentence less to get to the analysis. This isn't a huge deal, I'm just pointing out your own structure to you in new light. She uses logos when she asks, “Were all heroines to be essentially spotless of soul?”. The rhetorical question uses sibilance to create a scathing and ironic tone, revealing the juxtaposition between her values and society’s beliefs. She exemplifies, through anaphora, how ‘novels are not’ a reflection of real life, educating the audience of the irrationality of their fear of what fictional villainesses, ‘divorced from real life’ could do. But, will her warning be heeded? Atwood mourns “a tendency to cookie-cut… and to write a pattern… and to over-sugar on one side”. Through polysyndeton and an ironic analogy of baking, Atwood strongly affirms her textual integrity by furthering her argument that women have been unfairly stereotyped and boxed in by literature that attempted to liberate them through representation. As a feminist myself, Atwood’s speech has not only enhanced my understanding of how third-wave feminism re-thought the definition of empowerment but enlightened me on an aspect of gender inequality I had never noticed. I hate to not be able to provide more help - but I have carefully looked between both of these two paragraphs and I honestly don't feel that the analysis of Atwood lacks behind Sadat's analysis. Onwards...
In a point of convergence, Sadat and Atwood similarly use ethos to tap into our humanity. I'm majorly impressed by the ethos, pathos, and logos links.
Sadat conclusively states, ‘I will go to the end of the world; I will go to Israel.’ The metaphor and hyperbolic statement of Israel being the ‘end of the world’ is a departure from his consistent characterisation of the states as unified. However, the high modality repetition of ‘I will,’ appeals to ethos by revealing his dedication to his role as an advocate for peace. Further, he states, ‘I have chosen […] to come to you with an open heart and an open mind.’ The metaphor of “heart” is emblematic of Sadat’s desire to forge a new partnership with Israel through their shared compassion. In contrast to Sadat, Atwood fiercely advocates for change, never straying from her feminist values. She exclaims, “Women characters, arise! Take back the night!” a powerful appeal to ethos, establishing her role as simultaneously an author and social commentator. The accumulation of exclamatory statements creates an empowering tone to illustrate how, in contrast to Sadat, these ideas are pre-existing – they need only be ignited. She discusses these prevailing values in the metaphor, ‘Many doors stand ajar;’ by which villainess ‘act as keys’ to open. Unlike Sadat, she appeals to ethos consistently, in her simile which recognises the emergence of equality in society.
To conclude, Sadat and Atwood manipulate rhetoric, particularly pathos and logos and ethos to achieve political justice and progress against dominant discourse.
Speeches are a medium through which the composer challenges society’s beliefs and highlight how these beliefs may be compromising common human values. In situations where a political dichotomy prevails, rhetoric can be used to persuade responders to a point of view. Anwar Sadat’s 1977, ‘Statement to the Israeli Knesset’ argues for a renewed pursuit of peace and unity between the Arabs and Israelis, where for generations, there had been cyclical warfare. Comparatively, Margaret Atwood’s 1994 ‘Spotty-Handed Villainesses’ advocates for female characterisation that is bold and nasty and multi-dimensional in the name of feminism. The rhetoric employed by these texts differs in how they appeal to pathos and logos, but converge with their appeal to ethos in the name of justice. In studying these speeches, I have learnt that despite their differing contexts, rhetoric manipulates speeches to forward positive political agendas.
Sadat challenges the societal value of power by appealing to pathos to unite his audience of Egyptians and Israelis by reminding them of shared losses incurred through war. Despite their divisions, Sadat focuses on the common family unit, describing “the families” as “still moaning,” under “the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement”. The auditory imagery of ‘moaning’ elucidates an image of the tangible pain endured by both sides of the conflict. Sadat exploits the subsequent suffering to unite his audience. Sadat uses the imperative, instructing his audience to “tell them we are in for a new beginning to a new life”. The personal pronoun ‘we’, coupled with the high modality, reinforces the textual integrity of his inclusive ‘sacred message’ revealing the importance of his hope for interstate harmony. The tautological ‘new beginning’ and repetition of ‘new’ is representative of their fresh relationship, evidenced in 2015 when the Israeli Embassy reopened in Cairo. These recent events reveal the success of Sadat’s rhetoric. Despite tentative peace between Egypt and Israel, the continuing conflict in the Middle East requires us to reflect again on the relevance of Sadat’s speech today.
In contrast to Sadat, Atwood’s speech is an appeal to logos, a critical evaluation of the integrity of female literary characters regarding real women. I like the comparative nature of logos and pathos between the texts - a very unique link, it works well.She echoes the values of third-wave feminism, which finds itself dismayed that women can only be simplistically represented. She infers that our censorship of women is outdated. At this point, we are three sentences in without analysis yet, more just observations. In the Sadat paragraph above, it took one sentence less to get to the analysis. This isn't a huge deal, I'm just pointing out your own structure to you in new light. She uses logos when she asks, “Were all heroines to be essentially spotless of soul?”. The rhetorical question uses sibilance to create a scathing and ironic tone, revealing the juxtaposition between her values and society’s beliefs. She exemplifies, through anaphora, how ‘novels are not’ a reflection of real life, educating the audience of the irrationality of their fear of what fictional villainesses, ‘divorced from real life’ could do. But, will her warning be heeded? Atwood mourns “a tendency to cookie-cut… and to write a pattern… and to over-sugar on one side”. Through polysyndeton and an ironic analogy of baking, Atwood strongly affirms her textual integrity by furthering her argument that women have been unfairly stereotyped and boxed in by literature that attempted to liberate them through representation. As a feminist myself, Atwood’s speech has not only enhanced my understanding of how third-wave feminism re-thought the definition of empowerment but enlightened me on an aspect of gender inequality I had never noticed. I hate to not be able to provide more help - but I have carefully looked between both of these two paragraphs and I honestly don't feel that the analysis of Atwood lacks behind Sadat's analysis. Onwards...
In a point of convergence, Sadat and Atwood similarly use ethos to tap into our humanity. I'm majorly impressed by the ethos, pathos, and logos links.
Sadat conclusively states, ‘I will go to the end of the world; I will go to Israel.’ The metaphor and hyperbolic statement of Israel being the ‘end of the world’ is a departure from his consistent characterisation of the states as unified. However, the high modality repetition of ‘I will,’ appeals to ethos by revealing his dedication to his role as an advocate for peace. Further, he states, ‘I have chosen […] to come to you with an open heart and an open mind.’ The metaphor of “heart” is emblematic of Sadat’s desire to forge a new partnership with Israel through their shared compassion. In contrast to Sadat, Atwood fiercely advocates for change, never straying from her feminist values. She exclaims, “Women characters, arise! Take back the night!” a powerful appeal to ethos, establishing her role as simultaneously an author and social commentator. The accumulation of exclamatory statements creates an empowering tone to illustrate how, in contrast to Sadat, these ideas are pre-existing – they need only be ignited. She discusses these prevailing values in the metaphor, ‘Many doors stand ajar;’ by which villainess ‘act as keys’ to open. Unlike Sadat, she appeals to ethos consistently, in her simile which recognises the emergence of equality in society.
To conclude, Sadat and Atwood manipulate rhetoric, particularly pathos and logos and ethos to achieve political justice and progress against dominant discourse.
I'm flawed...I don't know what advice to give you. I actually disagree in that I think your Atwood and Sadat analysis is equally spectacular. I can tell you worked hard on this. I think the conclusion can be a place for you to rake in your essay, and it's always been my personal style to give conclusions more room than you have. BUT, I know this isn't for everyone, AND, it's not in the feedback your teacher has given you in terms of what you lost marks for - so I've decided that the conclusion doesn't have a whole lot to do with anything. I'm really bummed for you that you haven't been given the marks you desire, and although you'd be able to dissect more if this was an essay instead of a speech, I can imagine how powerfully you would have delivered this in a short time. Perhaps you could ask your teacher what the difference was between your response and the response of someone who got higher marks. If the other student is willing to share their work, even better. Because just looking at this, I don't think it deserves poor marks. But, looking at someone who gained higher marks might be what you need to work out the gap for yourself! Write back with any thoughts, or if you make any progress.. :)
Post by: Wales on June 24, 2017, 09:55:48 pm
Absolutely! Not a worry at all Wales :)
Thanks! Here's the repost. It would be greatly appreciated if this could be marked by monday as my exams wendsday :) If that is not manageable then I completely understand. Again, thanks for the incredible help! Please critique anything you see fit. Don't be afraid of being harsh :P
I've actually cut out an entire body paragraph and tuned the rest as it was too long and my teacher noted it was my weakest link/redundant. Let me know if I've made anything worse as well.
Spoiler
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through satire of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded consumerism with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and substitute for profanity “Oh Ford” signifying the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody. The nihilistic nature of a totalitarianistic society is illustrated by the desire to control the spiritual elements of humanity representing the lacking autonomous desire of individuals. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedia and conditioning process with the end objective of a conformist state. The intellectual conformity characterised through the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” results in a diminishment of the intrinsic autonomous nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of autocratic rule and capitalist consumerist world space where a loss of individuality is imminent. Huxley’s italicised text “But these suggestions are our suggestions” is a deceptive representation of the World State’s ethos due to the assertive nature of the leaders and their forcing of ideologies upon individuals. By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley represents the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates the limited intellectual freedoms of the citizens.
Snowden captures the phantasmic political ideology of security and manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Stone depicts the impunity of the Government with the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” portraying an abuse of authority and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal life of a citizen, contradicting the Civil Liberty of the right to be secure hence promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people.
To achieve the ultimate goal of a utopian society clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result of happiness where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people in order to manipulate them. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to oppression by exploiting the happiness of citizens and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means evident in the satire of the mass production line. Huxley leaves the citizens in a vulnerable state whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying that if one is not educated they cannot be troubled. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of “Community, Identity and Stability” and instant gratification as a prerequisite to achieve happiness. Stone proposes the US Government exercises the similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of keeping the populace ignorant and deprived of autonomy. Further displays of the Government dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of journalism suggesting the oppressive disposition of modern political agendas. The intertextual allusion to Orwell’s 1984 represents the Government’s oppressive approach to attaining control through fear and parallels the similar dystopian notion of power which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s jurisdiction. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature of politics on the citizens.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control represents the dark thematics of a dystopian world space where a lack of autonomous desire and powerlessness overrides the populace.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through satire of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded consumerism with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and substitute for profanity “Oh Ford” signifying the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody. The nihilistic nature of a totalitarianistic society is illustrated by the desire to control the spiritual elements of humanity representing the lacking autonomous desire of individuals. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedia and conditioning process with the end objective of a conformist state. The intellectual conformity characterised through the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” results in a diminishment of the intrinsic autonomous nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of autocratic rule and capitalist consumerist world space where a loss of individuality is imminent. Huxley’s italicised text “But these suggestions are our suggestions” is a deceptive representation of the World State’s ethos due to the assertive nature of the leaders and their forcing of ideologies upon individuals. By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley represents the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates the limited intellectual freedoms of the citizens.
Snowden captures the phantasmic political ideology of security and manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Stone depicts the impunity of the Government with the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” portraying an abuse of authority and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal life of a citizen, contradicting the Civil Liberty of the right to be secure hence promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people.
To achieve the ultimate goal of a utopian society clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result of happiness where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people in order to manipulate them. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to oppression by exploiting the happiness of citizens and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means evident in the satire of the mass production line. Huxley leaves the citizens in a vulnerable state whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying that if one is not educated they cannot be troubled. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of “Community, Identity and Stability” and instant gratification as a prerequisite to achieve happiness. Stone proposes the US Government exercises the similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of keeping the populace ignorant and deprived of autonomy. Further displays of the Government dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of journalism suggesting the oppressive disposition of modern political agendas. The intertextual allusion to Orwell’s 1984 represents the Government’s oppressive approach to attaining control through fear and parallels the similar dystopian notion of power which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s jurisdiction. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature of politics on the citizens.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control represents the dark thematics of a dystopian world space where a lack of autonomous desire and powerlessness overrides the populace.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Post by: winstondarmawan on June 25, 2017, 03:04:52 pm
Q: The connections between King Richard III and Looking for Richard illuminate mankind’s endless struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. To what extent is this true of the comparative study of William Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard?
Individuals embarking upon the ambitious pursuit of power will inevitably become entrapped in the machinations of corruption, often comprising their integrity and humility in the endless struggle for this sublime objective. A comparative study of Shakespeare’s historical tragedy King Richard III and Pacino’s meta-documentary Looking For Richard illuminates the extent of Richard’s aggressive pursuit of power as a direct consequence of the absence of the aforementioned values of integrity and humility, and the necessity of maintaining these values in cross-contextual societies in order to maintain one’s humanity.
The timeless struggle for the grasp of power has led society to question the importance and necessity of integrity, allowing for a duplicitous representation of King Richard III across several contexts. The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Hence, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Richard’s as duplicitous and manipulative illuminates the detriments to one’s humanity when integrity is dismissed, through Richard’s downfall. Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is accentuated through Shakespeare's deliberate use of soliloquies to reveal Richard’s inner most thoughts. This is epitomised within the opening soliloquy where Shakespeare reveals to the audiences Richard’s “determination to prove a villain” in turn revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard as a symbol for the absolute absence of integrity, and through his desires oppose God’s will, is immediately charted to struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. Moreover, Richard’s utmost willingness to sacrifice his integrity is elucidated through his manipulation of Lady Anne. The guise of affection displayed to Anne is shattered when Richard reveals through soliloquy that “[he] will not keep her long”, the absence of integrity further shaping his duplicitous facade through the deliberate use of dramatic irony. Capitalising on the duplicitous characterisation of Richard, Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s integrity in the pursuit of power will lead to unavoidable defeat. Richmond aligns himself with the goodness of God, and prays “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, indicative that Richard will struggle against the power of God. Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfill selfish motivations. Perpetuating the need for integrity in a postmodern context, Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man and hence to potential to engage in the pursuit of power. Hence, Pacino recognises the deprecation to one’s human psyche when integrity is absent, emphasising its relevance in his society. This duplicitous identity shaped by the absence of integrity is evident in Pacino’s remodelling of the opening soliloquy. The chiaroscuro lighting, accompanied by a close-up shot of Pacino’s livid facial expression as he spits out the phrase “son of York”, utilises shadow and light as a metaphor for duplicity. Pacino then expounds this metaphor and likens Richard’s duplicity to 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”, allowing modern audiences to understand the endless struggle for power through a medium which they are familiar with. Pacino, continues to use film techniques to portray Richard’s lack of integrity - in particular - the adaptation of the Lady Anne scene. Here, the costuming of Richard, in a black princely robe - connoting evil - is contrasted with the weeping Lady Anne in white. The deliberate colour scheme demonstrates the oblivion of Anne towards Richard’s intentions for power, infusing a sense of dramatic irony. In doing so, Pacino reflects on the 20th century, a society revolving around the power plays involved in Machiavellian politics, and draws parallels to Richard’s character. Despite this, Pacino still aims to forward the relevance of integrity in his context, evidenced through the closing sequence. Prospero metaphorically describes the world as an “insubstantial pageant”, reducing all the aspects of humanity down to the ambitious pursuit of power, resulting in a world where we “no longer feel”. As such, the parallels Pacino draws to King Richard III allow for a clear understanding of the everlasting importance of integrity and the detriments of its absence.
The unrestrained pursuit of power will inevitably cause individuals to concede their humility, and hence struggle with maintaining a sense of humanity and conscience. A sense of humility allows individuals to be content with themselves, resisting the temptations of power. The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Shakespeare accentuates Richard’s unrelenting desire for power, driven by the absence of humility through his betrayal of Hastings, a man characterised to exhibit the Christian virtues. Richard’s threatening tone as he accuses Hastings of being a “ protector of this damned strumpet … a traitor” reinforces his callous behaviour as he eliminates threats to his usurpation of the throne. It is clear that Richard will readily discard relations with others - a fundamental aspect of humanity - in order to achieve power, indicative of the absence of humility and a clear violation of the Christian construct of providentialism as he disregards his preordained position in society. Redemption, which is fundamental to the Christian doctrine in allowing one to regain their humility, is forwarded by Shakespeare through the dream sequence, where Richard is given one last chance to repent during the foreshadowing of his demise. The repetition and alliteration of “despair and die” between several ghosts stimulates an ominous and treacherous picture of Richard’s fate, and despite this, he dismisses “O coward conscience” and any chance of embracing humility. As such, Richard’s inevitable defeat arises from an absence of humility, a clear reflection of the dogma of providentialism existent in the 14th century. Conversely, Pacino recontextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the unbridled search for power, ultimately to the detriment of one’s conscience. To crystallise the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who draws intertextual parallels between the betrayal of Hastings to the events which unfold in The Godfather, referring to Richard and Buckingham as “gangsters”. By likening these characters to a well-known American film trope, Pacino allows modern audiences to understand that the desire for power is truly timeless, and the inevitable struggles to maintain one’s humanity. Moreover, the sequence of Richard’s coronation extensively demonstrates Richard’s struggle to maintain his humanity, as he recognises the destruction to his psyche wrought by the absence of humility. The voiceover of “The emptiness of it…” delves directly into Richard’s thoughts as he recognises he has become completely absolved of his conscience. This prompts the audience to consider the struggles to maintain one’s sanity tied to the pursuit of power, reaffirming the importance of a sense of humility. Furthermore, the conviction of ghosts as a religious trope had largely eroded in the secular 20th century, with Pacino focusing more on the action of the Battle of Bosworth. The zoomorphic depiction of Richard as “a kind of boar” by an academic symbolises his deteriorating sense of humanity and sanity. This is intertwined with scenes of the battle to reinforce the association of Richard’s physical downfall to the diminishing of his humanity, portraying a more secularist perspective on the importance of humility and it’s role in satiating the ambitious desire for power. Hence, despite a drastic shift in social prospects between Shakespeare’s Richard III and Pacino’s Looking for Richard, the emphasis on the static nature of humility and it’s importance is exemplified.
This may be too long, so if I should cut it down in areas please advise me to do so. TIA
Post by: QC on June 25, 2017, 03:57:59 pm
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on June 25, 2017, 06:23:30 pm
Post by: sophiegmaher on June 25, 2017, 08:40:34 pm
My introduction is: "Forceful and memorable speeches combine several elements to, in the words of George Campbell’s “Philosophy of Rhetoric”, “enlighten the understanding, please the imagination, move the passion and influence the will” to persuade responders to the worldview of
their composers. Influential speeches also demonstrate the quality of Kairos
through an insightful response to, and timely reflection of, the context from which they
came. In this respect, speeches that confront the injustices of their time are valued for their political, social and historical significance, establishing milestones that are appreciated regardless of context. Both Anwar Sadat’s 1977 “Speech to the Israeli Knesset” and Paul Keating’s 1992 “Redfern Speech” draw on the flaws of their respective societies to accentuate the potential to overcome them. Sadat’s Egypt and Keating’s Australia have both endured historic societal divisions due to ideological conflict and colonisation, where this dichotomy continues to catalyse detrimental consequences into the present day. However, the composer’s appeal to the primitive desires for peace and equality addresses the fundamental positive potential of human society, establishing an exigence that motivates these past injustices to be overcome."
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 26, 2017, 08:12:24 am
Hi there, i just like to ask what if your essay writing is perfect, but not your memorization skills are terrible.Hey there :)
Remember - memorisation is not the only way to success in English! Understanding key concepts is really important, and if your essay writing is perfect I can imagine that your grasp on key concepts is strong. Nonetheless, I was in a similar position as you in terms of confidence with my essay writing. I wrote this guide on ways that I managed to memorise parts of my essays. Hopefully this helps :)
Post by: bethr on June 26, 2017, 08:41:45 am
Hey there! So when you said you spoke to your teacher who just regurgitated what you already know: what was that pertaining to? Was she giving you advice on areas you've already worked on and are continuing to improve, or was it nothing really to do with improvement? I'll look specifically at the analysis of Atwood as it seems your teacher was unimpressed by that part!SpoilerHow have the composers of the speeches used rhetoric to respond to the dominant values and beliefs of their contexts?
Speeches are a medium through which the composer challenges society’s beliefs and highlight how these beliefs may be compromising common human values. In situations where a political dichotomy prevails, rhetoric can be used to persuade responders to a point of view. Anwar Sadat’s 1977, ‘Statement to the Israeli Knesset’ argues for a renewed pursuit of peace and unity between the Arabs and Israelis, where for generations, there had been cyclical warfare. Comparatively, Margaret Atwood’s 1994 ‘Spotty-Handed Villainesses’ advocates for female characterisation that is bold and nasty and multi-dimensional in the name of feminism. The rhetoric employed by these texts differs in how they appeal to pathos and logos, but converge with their appeal to ethos in the name of justice. In studying these speeches, I have learnt that despite their differing contexts, rhetoric manipulates speeches to forward positive political agendas.
Sadat challenges the societal value of power by appealing to pathos to unite his audience of Egyptians and Israelis by reminding them of shared losses incurred through war. Despite their divisions, Sadat focuses on the common family unit, describing “the families” as “still moaning,” under “the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement”. The auditory imagery of ‘moaning’ elucidates an image of the tangible pain endured by both sides of the conflict. Sadat exploits the subsequent suffering to unite his audience. Sadat uses the imperative, instructing his audience to “tell them we are in for a new beginning to a new life”. The personal pronoun ‘we’, coupled with the high modality, reinforces the textual integrity of his inclusive ‘sacred message’ revealing the importance of his hope for interstate harmony. The tautological ‘new beginning’ and repetition of ‘new’ is representative of their fresh relationship, evidenced in 2015 when the Israeli Embassy reopened in Cairo. These recent events reveal the success of Sadat’s rhetoric. Despite tentative peace between Egypt and Israel, the continuing conflict in the Middle East requires us to reflect again on the relevance of Sadat’s speech today.
In contrast to Sadat, Atwood’s speech is an appeal to logos, a critical evaluation of the integrity of female literary characters regarding real women. I like the comparative nature of logos and pathos between the texts - a very unique link, it works well.She echoes the values of third-wave feminism, which finds itself dismayed that women can only be simplistically represented. She infers that our censorship of women is outdated. At this point, we are three sentences in without analysis yet, more just observations. In the Sadat paragraph above, it took one sentence less to get to the analysis. This isn't a huge deal, I'm just pointing out your own structure to you in new light. She uses logos when she asks, “Were all heroines to be essentially spotless of soul?”. The rhetorical question uses sibilance to create a scathing and ironic tone, revealing the juxtaposition between her values and society’s beliefs. She exemplifies, through anaphora, how ‘novels are not’ a reflection of real life, educating the audience of the irrationality of their fear of what fictional villainesses, ‘divorced from real life’ could do. But, will her warning be heeded? Atwood mourns “a tendency to cookie-cut… and to write a pattern… and to over-sugar on one side”. Through polysyndeton and an ironic analogy of baking, Atwood strongly affirms her textual integrity by furthering her argument that women have been unfairly stereotyped and boxed in by literature that attempted to liberate them through representation. As a feminist myself, Atwood’s speech has not only enhanced my understanding of how third-wave feminism re-thought the definition of empowerment but enlightened me on an aspect of gender inequality I had never noticed. I hate to not be able to provide more help - but I have carefully looked between both of these two paragraphs and I honestly don't feel that the analysis of Atwood lacks behind Sadat's analysis. Onwards...
In a point of convergence, Sadat and Atwood similarly use ethos to tap into our humanity. I'm majorly impressed by the ethos, pathos, and logos links.
Sadat conclusively states, ‘I will go to the end of the world; I will go to Israel.’ The metaphor and hyperbolic statement of Israel being the ‘end of the world’ is a departure from his consistent characterisation of the states as unified. However, the high modality repetition of ‘I will,’ appeals to ethos by revealing his dedication to his role as an advocate for peace. Further, he states, ‘I have chosen […] to come to you with an open heart and an open mind.’ The metaphor of “heart” is emblematic of Sadat’s desire to forge a new partnership with Israel through their shared compassion. In contrast to Sadat, Atwood fiercely advocates for change, never straying from her feminist values. She exclaims, “Women characters, arise! Take back the night!” a powerful appeal to ethos, establishing her role as simultaneously an author and social commentator. The accumulation of exclamatory statements creates an empowering tone to illustrate how, in contrast to Sadat, these ideas are pre-existing – they need only be ignited. She discusses these prevailing values in the metaphor, ‘Many doors stand ajar;’ by which villainess ‘act as keys’ to open. Unlike Sadat, she appeals to ethos consistently, in her simile which recognises the emergence of equality in society.
To conclude, Sadat and Atwood manipulate rhetoric, particularly pathos and logos and ethos to achieve political justice and progress against dominant discourse.
I'm flawed...I don't know what advice to give you. I actually disagree in that I think your Atwood and Sadat analysis is equally spectacular. I can tell you worked hard on this. I think the conclusion can be a place for you to rake in your essay, and it's always been my personal style to give conclusions more room than you have. BUT, I know this isn't for everyone, AND, it's not in the feedback your teacher has given you in terms of what you lost marks for - so I've decided that the conclusion doesn't have a whole lot to do with anything. I'm really bummed for you that you haven't been given the marks you desire, and although you'd be able to dissect more if this was an essay instead of a speech, I can imagine how powerfully you would have delivered this in a short time. Perhaps you could ask your teacher what the difference was between your response and the response of someone who got higher marks. If the other student is willing to share their work, even better. Because just looking at this, I don't think it deserves poor marks. But, looking at someone who gained higher marks might be what you need to work out the gap for yourself! Write back with any thoughts, or if you make any progress.. :)
Hey Elyse! Thank you so much for your feedback! Don't worry that there wasn't much to say... it's comforting to know that perhaps it's just harsh marking? I got 13/20 for it, which isn't horrible but, if I say so myself, I thought it deserved a higher mark. Thanks again :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 26, 2017, 08:57:00 am
Hey! I'm writing an essay for Module B speeches, and I was hoping to get some feedback regarding the clarity of my introduction in response to the question: "It has been suggested that we value those speeches which examine the flaws and the potential in human societies.To what extent does your personal understanding agree with this view?"
Hey there! I'll put my feedback in bold font :)
My introduction is: "Forceful and memorable speeches combine several elements to, in the words of George Campbell’s “Philosophy of Rhetoric”, “enlighten the understanding, please the imagination, move the passion and influence the will” to persuade responders to the worldview of their composers. I think there's a bit too much to this sentence. It's just a little difficult to follow the entire way. I think your inclusion of the Philosophy of Rhetoric is very clever, but I don't think it's as clear as it could be, it's just a bit too much happening. Influential speeches also demonstrate the quality of Kairos through an insightful response to, and timely reflection of, the context from which they came. In this respect, speeches that confront the injustices of their time are valued for their political, social and historical significance, establishing milestones that are appreciated regardless of context. Yeah! I love this last part here - establishing milestones that are appreciated regardless of context." Really powerful. Both Anwar Sadat’s 1977 “Speech to the Israeli Knesset” and Paul Keating’s 1992 “Redfern Speech” draw on the flaws of their respective societies to accentuate the potential to overcome them. Unique, clever, precise! Sadat’s Egypt and Keating’s Australia have both endured historic societal divisions due to ideological conflict and colonisation, where this dichotomy continues to catalyse detrimental consequences into the present day. However, the composer’s appeal to the primitive desires for peace and equality addresses the fundamental positive potential of human society, establishing an exigence that motivates these past injustices to be overcome.
Every single part of this works for me, except the first sentence. That's just a little too convoluted. But I don't think it's worth scrapping and starting over, it's just about reorganising the syntax so the ideas can still remain there, just they'll be clearer! I think you're definitely on the right track here :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 26, 2017, 08:59:33 am
Hey Elyse! Thank you so much for your feedback! Don't worry that there wasn't much to say... it's comforting to know that perhaps it's just harsh marking? I got 13/20 for it, which isn't horrible but, if I say so myself, I thought it deserved a higher mark. Thanks again :)
If the process at your school allows you to do this without sabotaging your study time coming into trials - you might want to pursue a challenge of your mark. At the least, I think you should request to see a better response (even if not from your own cohort) so you can physically see what your teacher expects of you. I definitely agree it is harshly marked, and I don't think the feedback you were given equates to 7 marks lost - so just for the purpose of your trials coming up, I'd be trying to pursue further feedback so you can do as well as possible :)
Post by: bethr on June 27, 2017, 09:47:56 am
I have more speeches, yay! If possible, (I know I haven't yet done another 15 posts), but could someone please look at my essay scaffolds for some of the other speeches?
Thank you :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2017, 07:30:25 pm
Thanks! Here's the repost. It would be greatly appreciated if this could be marked by monday as my exams wendsday :) If that is not manageable then I completely understand. Again, thanks for the incredible help! Please critique anything you see fit. Don't be afraid of being harsh :P
I've actually cut out an entire body paragraph and tuned the rest as it was too long and my teacher noted it was my weakest link/redundant. Let me know if I've made anything worse as well.
Hey Wales! My turn - Hopefully this last minute feedback is useful :)
Spoiler
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. Love the start to your Thesis paragraph, excellent backdrop of dystopian texts in general. Be sure to use commas to break ideas up into manageable chunks. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. Great. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. Great introduction, I'd manipulate the wording of your last sentence a little to make it SUPER CLEAR you are answering the question. But otherwise, good work :)
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. Great concept. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through satire of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Be sure to inform the reader you are discussing Huxley's text, keep the flow logical. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded consumerism with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and substitute for profanity “Oh Ford” signifying the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody. Excellent analysis of techniques. The nihilistic nature of a totalitarianistic society is illustrated by the desire to control the spiritual elements of humanity representing the lacking autonomous desire of individuals. Remember to use commas - I'm having to re-read a few sentences to properly process your ideas. They are great ideas, but make sure the marker doesn't have to do any work to interpret them. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedia and conditioning process with the end objective of a conformist state. Watch that you don't rely too much on plot elements to convey your ideas. The intellectual conformity characterised through the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” results in a diminishment of the intrinsic autonomous nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of autocratic rule and capitalist consumerist world space where a loss of individuality is imminent. Commas. Huxley’s italicised text “But these suggestions are our suggestions” is a deceptive representation of the World State’s ethos due to the assertive nature of the leaders and their forcing of ideologies upon individuals. What impact would this have on the audience? Be sure to make this final step, what does the audience learn or what new understanding is presented to us? By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley represents the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates the limited intellectual freedoms of the citizens. Strong paragraph with excellent conceptual ideas, well argued. Good job.
Snowden captures the phantasmic political ideology of security and manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Fantastic introduction. Stone depicts the impunity of the Government with the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” portraying an abuse of authority and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal life of a citizen, contradicting the Civil Liberty of the right to be secure hence promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. Again, commas - I feel your sentences and frequently just a phrase too long. Work on being succinct and choosing words carefully to cut your overall count down. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Be careful not to focus too much on what we learn about characters in the text - They are just puppets for larger ideas. What does the audience learn about powerlessness more generally? Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people. Another strong paragraph, excellent work.
To achieve the ultimate goal of a utopian society clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result of happiness where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people in order to manipulate them. Commas. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to oppression by exploiting the happiness of citizens and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means evident in the satire of the mass production line. Commas - Your ideas are fantastic, but I'm working quite hard to group things in the right way here. Huxley leaves the citizens in a vulnerable state whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying that if one is not educated they cannot be troubled. A little too plot focused here I think? Not really any techniques. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of “Community, Identity and Stability” and instant gratification as a prerequisite to achieve happiness. Stone proposes the US Government exercises the similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of keeping the populace ignorant and deprived of autonomy. Isn't this the same idea though? Like, ignorance is safety/bliss, do they not support each other in this way? Further displays of the Government dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of journalism suggesting the oppressive disposition of modern political agendas. Commas. The intertextual allusion to Orwell’s 1984 represents the Government’s oppressive approach to attaining control through fear and parallels the similar dystopian notion of power which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s jurisdiction. Commas. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature of politics on the citizens. This paragraph particularly, your ideas are getting lost in your expression. Try and keep things simple - You have a strong vocabulary and great ideas, but I was yearning for shorter sentences and more organised ideas. What is there is great but it isn't presented in a way an exhausted marker will be receptive to at 10pm while their kids are screaming in the background.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Excellent. Both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control represents the dark thematics of a dystopian world space where a lack of autonomous desire and powerlessness overrides the populace. Good conclusion - A little short but I think it accomplishes what it needs to.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. Love the start to your Thesis paragraph, excellent backdrop of dystopian texts in general. Be sure to use commas to break ideas up into manageable chunks. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. Great. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. Great introduction, I'd manipulate the wording of your last sentence a little to make it SUPER CLEAR you are answering the question. But otherwise, good work :)
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. Great concept. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through satire of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Be sure to inform the reader you are discussing Huxley's text, keep the flow logical. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded consumerism with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and substitute for profanity “Oh Ford” signifying the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody. Excellent analysis of techniques. The nihilistic nature of a totalitarianistic society is illustrated by the desire to control the spiritual elements of humanity representing the lacking autonomous desire of individuals. Remember to use commas - I'm having to re-read a few sentences to properly process your ideas. They are great ideas, but make sure the marker doesn't have to do any work to interpret them. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedia and conditioning process with the end objective of a conformist state. Watch that you don't rely too much on plot elements to convey your ideas. The intellectual conformity characterised through the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” results in a diminishment of the intrinsic autonomous nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of autocratic rule and capitalist consumerist world space where a loss of individuality is imminent. Commas. Huxley’s italicised text “But these suggestions are our suggestions” is a deceptive representation of the World State’s ethos due to the assertive nature of the leaders and their forcing of ideologies upon individuals. What impact would this have on the audience? Be sure to make this final step, what does the audience learn or what new understanding is presented to us? By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley represents the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates the limited intellectual freedoms of the citizens. Strong paragraph with excellent conceptual ideas, well argued. Good job.
Snowden captures the phantasmic political ideology of security and manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Fantastic introduction. Stone depicts the impunity of the Government with the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” portraying an abuse of authority and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal life of a citizen, contradicting the Civil Liberty of the right to be secure hence promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. Again, commas - I feel your sentences and frequently just a phrase too long. Work on being succinct and choosing words carefully to cut your overall count down. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Be careful not to focus too much on what we learn about characters in the text - They are just puppets for larger ideas. What does the audience learn about powerlessness more generally? Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people. Another strong paragraph, excellent work.
To achieve the ultimate goal of a utopian society clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result of happiness where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people in order to manipulate them. Commas. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to oppression by exploiting the happiness of citizens and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means evident in the satire of the mass production line. Commas - Your ideas are fantastic, but I'm working quite hard to group things in the right way here. Huxley leaves the citizens in a vulnerable state whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying that if one is not educated they cannot be troubled. A little too plot focused here I think? Not really any techniques. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of “Community, Identity and Stability” and instant gratification as a prerequisite to achieve happiness. Stone proposes the US Government exercises the similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of keeping the populace ignorant and deprived of autonomy. Isn't this the same idea though? Like, ignorance is safety/bliss, do they not support each other in this way? Further displays of the Government dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of journalism suggesting the oppressive disposition of modern political agendas. Commas. The intertextual allusion to Orwell’s 1984 represents the Government’s oppressive approach to attaining control through fear and parallels the similar dystopian notion of power which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s jurisdiction. Commas. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature of politics on the citizens. This paragraph particularly, your ideas are getting lost in your expression. Try and keep things simple - You have a strong vocabulary and great ideas, but I was yearning for shorter sentences and more organised ideas. What is there is great but it isn't presented in a way an exhausted marker will be receptive to at 10pm while their kids are screaming in the background.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Excellent. Both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control represents the dark thematics of a dystopian world space where a lack of autonomous desire and powerlessness overrides the populace. Good conclusion - A little short but I think it accomplishes what it needs to.
Overall comments:
- Techniques and ideas are, on the whole, fantastic
- You need to tidy up expression. Simplify and shorten your sentences, watch for redundant phrases and little bits of plot info you can cut. Use commas often, your sentences are way too long not to have them (don't worry, mine were long too, commas solve all issues!)
- Be careful that your analysis is focusing on audience impact. At times it went back a step to what we learn about characters/world spaces, which isn't the focus. Keep things conceptual and thematic.
Hope this helps ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2017, 10:04:45 pm
Hello! Can someone please have a look at my Mod A Essay for KRIII and LFR.
I can! ;D
Spoiler
Q: The connections between King Richard III and Looking for Richard illuminate mankind’s endless struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. To what extent is this true of the comparative study of William Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard?
Individuals embarking upon the ambitious pursuit of power will inevitably become entrapped in the machinations of corruption, often comprising their integrity and humility in the endless struggle for this sublime objective. Nice introduction. Conceptual, complex - I like it. A comparative study of Shakespeare’s historical tragedy King Richard III and Pacino’s meta-documentary Looking For Richard illuminates the extent of Richard’s aggressive pursuit of power as a direct consequence of the absence of the aforementioned values of integrity and humility, and the necessity of maintaining these values in cross-contextual societies in order to maintain one’s humanity. This introduction is a little bare bones. You need to address the part of the question about the CONNECTIONS between the two. Setting out your paragraph topics would also be beneficial.
The timeless struggle for the grasp of power has led society to question the importance and necessity of integrity, allowing for a duplicitous representation of King Richard III across several contexts. The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Nice contextual reference, very important in Module A, any textual evidence that this context has impacted? Any Christian imagery/symbols? Hence, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Richard’s as duplicitous and manipulative illuminates the detriments to one’s humanity when integrity is dismissed, through Richard’s downfall. How was this characterisation achieved? Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is accentuated through Shakespeare's deliberate use of soliloquies to reveal Richard’s inner most thoughts. This is epitomised within the opening soliloquy where Shakespeare reveals to the audiences Richard’s “determination to prove a villain” in turn revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. What techniques are associated with these quotes? Right now you are just retelling the plot with dialogue. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard as a symbol for the absolute absence of integrity, and through his desires oppose God’s will, is immediately charted to struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. Moreover, Richard’s utmost willingness to sacrifice his integrity is elucidated through his manipulation of Lady Anne. The guise of affection displayed to Anne is shattered when Richard reveals through soliloquy that “[he] will not keep her long”, the absence of integrity further shaping his duplicitous facade through the deliberate use of dramatic irony. Right now you are using plot devices as your evidence. You need to use techniques instead - What compositional choices has Shakespeare made to communicate ideas about power and ambition? Capitalising on the duplicitous characterisation of Richard, Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s integrity in the pursuit of power will lead to unavoidable defeat. Richmond aligns himself with the goodness of God, and prays “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, indicative that Richard will struggle against the power of God. Retell - If someone who has seen the play knows about what is in your sentence already, you've not analysed. Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfill selfish motivations. I feel, given the length of this paragraph, you'd be better off splitting this into a separate paragraph with a new introduction, and concluding the previous one too. Perpetuating the need for integrity in a postmodern context, Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man and hence to potential to engage in the pursuit of power. Good, but not really a technique, I like it though. Hence, Pacino recognises the deprecation to one’s human psyche when integrity is absent, emphasising its relevance in his society. This duplicitous identity shaped by the absence of integrity is evident in Pacino’s remodelling of the opening soliloquy. The chiaroscuro lighting, accompanied by a close-up shot of Pacino’s livid facial expression as he spits out the phrase “son of York”, utilises shadow and light as a metaphor for duplicity. Could you explain this a little more? Seems a touch vague. Pacino then expounds this metaphor and likens Richard’s duplicity to 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”, allowing modern audiences to understand the endless struggle for power through a medium which they are familiar with. Nice reference to the contextual audience. Pacino, continues to use film techniques to portray Richard’s lack of integrity - in particular - the adaptation of the Lady Anne scene. Here, the costuming of Richard, in a black princely robe - connoting evil - is contrasted with the weeping Lady Anne in white. The deliberate colour scheme demonstrates the oblivion of Anne towards Richard’s intentions for power, infusing a sense of dramatic irony. In doing so, Pacino reflects on the 20th century, a society revolving around the power plays involved in Machiavellian politics, and draws parallels to Richard’s character. This works well. Technique, this is what it portrays to the audience. Nicely done. Your next step is to condense this analysis into fewer sentences! Despite this, Pacino still aims to forward the relevance of integrity in his context, evidenced through the closing sequence. Prospero metaphorically describes the world as an “insubstantial pageant”, reducing all the aspects of humanity down to the ambitious pursuit of power, resulting in a world where we “no longer feel”. Technique? As such, the parallels Pacino draws to King Richard III allow for a clear understanding of the everlasting importance of integrity and the detriments of its absence. This paragraph has isolated instances of excellent analysis, but there's a little too much retell, not a whole lot of techniques.
The unrestrained pursuit of power will inevitably cause individuals to concede their humility, and hence struggle with maintaining a sense of humanity and conscience. A sense of humility allows individuals to be content with themselves, resisting the temptations of power. Another nice conceptual start to a paragraph! The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Shakespeare accentuates Richard’s unrelenting desire for power, driven by the absence of humility through his betrayal of Hastings, a man characterised to exhibit the Christian virtues. Try not to use plot devices to demonstrate themes - It is all about techniques! Richard’s threatening tone as he accuses Hastings of being a “ protector of this damned strumpet … a traitor” reinforces his callous behaviour as he eliminates threats to his usurpation of the throne. Be careful, assign all techniques (including tone and things done by characters) to the composer, Shakespeare made the choice for that line to be threatening. It is clear that Richard will readily discard relations with others - a fundamental aspect of humanity - in order to achieve power, indicative of the absence of humility and a clear violation of the Christian construct of providentialism as he disregards his preordained position in society. Good reference to context, but again, need a focus on techniques here! Redemption, which is fundamental to the Christian doctrine in allowing one to regain their humility, is forwarded by Shakespeare through the dream sequence, where Richard is given one last chance to repent during the foreshadowing of his demise. Retell. The repetition and alliteration of “despair and die” between several ghosts stimulates an ominous and treacherous picture of Richard’s fate, and despite this, he dismisses “O coward conscience” and any chance of embracing humility. We've included a technique here, but you are still just retelling the story. As such, Richard’s inevitable defeat arises from an absence of humility, a clear reflection of the dogma of providentialism existent in the 14th century. Conversely, Pacino recontextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the unbridled search for power, ultimately to the detriment of one’s conscience. Again, I'd put this in a new paragraph. Just breaks the ideas up a little. To crystallise the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who draws intertextual parallels between the betrayal of Hastings to the events which unfold in The Godfather, referring to Richard and Buckingham as “gangsters”. By likening these characters to a well-known American film trope, Pacino allows modern audiences to understand that the desire for power is truly timeless, and the inevitable struggles to maintain one’s humanity. Very effective analysis there. Excellent job. Moreover, the sequence of Richard’s coronation extensively demonstrates Richard’s struggle to maintain his humanity, as he recognises the destruction to his psyche wrought by the absence of humility. The voiceover of “The emptiness of it…” delves directly into Richard’s thoughts as he recognises he has become completely absolved of his conscience. Slipped back into the story and what characters are thinking here. Back to techniques! This prompts the audience to consider the struggles to maintain one’s sanity tied to the pursuit of power, reaffirming the importance of a sense of humility. Furthermore, the conviction of ghosts as a religious trope had largely eroded in the secular 20th century, with Pacino focusing more on the action of the Battle of Bosworth. The zoomorphic depiction of Richard as “a kind of boar” by an academic symbolises his deteriorating sense of humanity and sanity. Good. This is intertwined with scenes of the battle to reinforce the association of Richard’s physical downfall to the diminishing of his humanity, portraying a more secularist perspective on the importance of humility and it’s role in satiating the ambitious desire for power. Hence, despite a drastic shift in social prospects between Shakespeare’s Richard III and Pacino’s Looking for Richard, the emphasis on the static nature of humility and it’s importance is exemplified. I like the way you brought the argument together here. This section on Pacino's text is by far the strongest part of your essay.
Individuals embarking upon the ambitious pursuit of power will inevitably become entrapped in the machinations of corruption, often comprising their integrity and humility in the endless struggle for this sublime objective. Nice introduction. Conceptual, complex - I like it. A comparative study of Shakespeare’s historical tragedy King Richard III and Pacino’s meta-documentary Looking For Richard illuminates the extent of Richard’s aggressive pursuit of power as a direct consequence of the absence of the aforementioned values of integrity and humility, and the necessity of maintaining these values in cross-contextual societies in order to maintain one’s humanity. This introduction is a little bare bones. You need to address the part of the question about the CONNECTIONS between the two. Setting out your paragraph topics would also be beneficial.
The timeless struggle for the grasp of power has led society to question the importance and necessity of integrity, allowing for a duplicitous representation of King Richard III across several contexts. The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Nice contextual reference, very important in Module A, any textual evidence that this context has impacted? Any Christian imagery/symbols? Hence, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Richard’s as duplicitous and manipulative illuminates the detriments to one’s humanity when integrity is dismissed, through Richard’s downfall. How was this characterisation achieved? Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is accentuated through Shakespeare's deliberate use of soliloquies to reveal Richard’s inner most thoughts. This is epitomised within the opening soliloquy where Shakespeare reveals to the audiences Richard’s “determination to prove a villain” in turn revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. What techniques are associated with these quotes? Right now you are just retelling the plot with dialogue. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard as a symbol for the absolute absence of integrity, and through his desires oppose God’s will, is immediately charted to struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. Moreover, Richard’s utmost willingness to sacrifice his integrity is elucidated through his manipulation of Lady Anne. The guise of affection displayed to Anne is shattered when Richard reveals through soliloquy that “[he] will not keep her long”, the absence of integrity further shaping his duplicitous facade through the deliberate use of dramatic irony. Right now you are using plot devices as your evidence. You need to use techniques instead - What compositional choices has Shakespeare made to communicate ideas about power and ambition? Capitalising on the duplicitous characterisation of Richard, Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s integrity in the pursuit of power will lead to unavoidable defeat. Richmond aligns himself with the goodness of God, and prays “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, indicative that Richard will struggle against the power of God. Retell - If someone who has seen the play knows about what is in your sentence already, you've not analysed. Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfill selfish motivations. I feel, given the length of this paragraph, you'd be better off splitting this into a separate paragraph with a new introduction, and concluding the previous one too. Perpetuating the need for integrity in a postmodern context, Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man and hence to potential to engage in the pursuit of power. Good, but not really a technique, I like it though. Hence, Pacino recognises the deprecation to one’s human psyche when integrity is absent, emphasising its relevance in his society. This duplicitous identity shaped by the absence of integrity is evident in Pacino’s remodelling of the opening soliloquy. The chiaroscuro lighting, accompanied by a close-up shot of Pacino’s livid facial expression as he spits out the phrase “son of York”, utilises shadow and light as a metaphor for duplicity. Could you explain this a little more? Seems a touch vague. Pacino then expounds this metaphor and likens Richard’s duplicity to 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”, allowing modern audiences to understand the endless struggle for power through a medium which they are familiar with. Nice reference to the contextual audience. Pacino, continues to use film techniques to portray Richard’s lack of integrity - in particular - the adaptation of the Lady Anne scene. Here, the costuming of Richard, in a black princely robe - connoting evil - is contrasted with the weeping Lady Anne in white. The deliberate colour scheme demonstrates the oblivion of Anne towards Richard’s intentions for power, infusing a sense of dramatic irony. In doing so, Pacino reflects on the 20th century, a society revolving around the power plays involved in Machiavellian politics, and draws parallels to Richard’s character. This works well. Technique, this is what it portrays to the audience. Nicely done. Your next step is to condense this analysis into fewer sentences! Despite this, Pacino still aims to forward the relevance of integrity in his context, evidenced through the closing sequence. Prospero metaphorically describes the world as an “insubstantial pageant”, reducing all the aspects of humanity down to the ambitious pursuit of power, resulting in a world where we “no longer feel”. Technique? As such, the parallels Pacino draws to King Richard III allow for a clear understanding of the everlasting importance of integrity and the detriments of its absence. This paragraph has isolated instances of excellent analysis, but there's a little too much retell, not a whole lot of techniques.
The unrestrained pursuit of power will inevitably cause individuals to concede their humility, and hence struggle with maintaining a sense of humanity and conscience. A sense of humility allows individuals to be content with themselves, resisting the temptations of power. Another nice conceptual start to a paragraph! The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Shakespeare accentuates Richard’s unrelenting desire for power, driven by the absence of humility through his betrayal of Hastings, a man characterised to exhibit the Christian virtues. Try not to use plot devices to demonstrate themes - It is all about techniques! Richard’s threatening tone as he accuses Hastings of being a “ protector of this damned strumpet … a traitor” reinforces his callous behaviour as he eliminates threats to his usurpation of the throne. Be careful, assign all techniques (including tone and things done by characters) to the composer, Shakespeare made the choice for that line to be threatening. It is clear that Richard will readily discard relations with others - a fundamental aspect of humanity - in order to achieve power, indicative of the absence of humility and a clear violation of the Christian construct of providentialism as he disregards his preordained position in society. Good reference to context, but again, need a focus on techniques here! Redemption, which is fundamental to the Christian doctrine in allowing one to regain their humility, is forwarded by Shakespeare through the dream sequence, where Richard is given one last chance to repent during the foreshadowing of his demise. Retell. The repetition and alliteration of “despair and die” between several ghosts stimulates an ominous and treacherous picture of Richard’s fate, and despite this, he dismisses “O coward conscience” and any chance of embracing humility. We've included a technique here, but you are still just retelling the story. As such, Richard’s inevitable defeat arises from an absence of humility, a clear reflection of the dogma of providentialism existent in the 14th century. Conversely, Pacino recontextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the unbridled search for power, ultimately to the detriment of one’s conscience. Again, I'd put this in a new paragraph. Just breaks the ideas up a little. To crystallise the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who draws intertextual parallels between the betrayal of Hastings to the events which unfold in The Godfather, referring to Richard and Buckingham as “gangsters”. By likening these characters to a well-known American film trope, Pacino allows modern audiences to understand that the desire for power is truly timeless, and the inevitable struggles to maintain one’s humanity. Very effective analysis there. Excellent job. Moreover, the sequence of Richard’s coronation extensively demonstrates Richard’s struggle to maintain his humanity, as he recognises the destruction to his psyche wrought by the absence of humility. The voiceover of “The emptiness of it…” delves directly into Richard’s thoughts as he recognises he has become completely absolved of his conscience. Slipped back into the story and what characters are thinking here. Back to techniques! This prompts the audience to consider the struggles to maintain one’s sanity tied to the pursuit of power, reaffirming the importance of a sense of humility. Furthermore, the conviction of ghosts as a religious trope had largely eroded in the secular 20th century, with Pacino focusing more on the action of the Battle of Bosworth. The zoomorphic depiction of Richard as “a kind of boar” by an academic symbolises his deteriorating sense of humanity and sanity. Good. This is intertwined with scenes of the battle to reinforce the association of Richard’s physical downfall to the diminishing of his humanity, portraying a more secularist perspective on the importance of humility and it’s role in satiating the ambitious desire for power. Hence, despite a drastic shift in social prospects between Shakespeare’s Richard III and Pacino’s Looking for Richard, the emphasis on the static nature of humility and it’s importance is exemplified. I like the way you brought the argument together here. This section on Pacino's text is by far the strongest part of your essay.
Overall feedback:
- Nice setup and very clear concepts on show throughout. Was never in doubt what you were arguing, good job there.
- Emphasising the parallels between the texts was done quite nicely, and also comparing how the different audiences reacted was covered well.
- Too much retell, try and get rid of the bits where you just recap the story or discuss what we learn about characters. Characters are puppets and we don't care about them, we care what they show us about themes.
- More techniques!
I hope this helps! ;D
Post by: winstondarmawan on June 27, 2017, 10:45:08 pm
I can! ;DSpoilerQ: The connections between King Richard III and Looking for Richard illuminate mankind’s endless struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. To what extent is this true of the comparative study of William Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard?
Individuals embarking upon the ambitious pursuit of power will inevitably become entrapped in the machinations of corruption, often comprising their integrity and humility in the endless struggle for this sublime objective. Nice introduction. Conceptual, complex - I like it. A comparative study of Shakespeare’s historical tragedy King Richard III and Pacino’s meta-documentary Looking For Richard illuminates the extent of Richard’s aggressive pursuit of power as a direct consequence of the absence of the aforementioned values of integrity and humility, and the necessity of maintaining these values in cross-contextual societies in order to maintain one’s humanity. This introduction is a little bare bones. You need to address the part of the question about the CONNECTIONS between the two. Setting out your paragraph topics would also be beneficial.
The timeless struggle for the grasp of power has led society to question the importance and necessity of integrity, allowing for a duplicitous representation of King Richard III across several contexts. The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Nice contextual reference, very important in Module A, any textual evidence that this context has impacted? Any Christian imagery/symbols? Hence, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Richard’s as duplicitous and manipulative illuminates the detriments to one’s humanity when integrity is dismissed, through Richard’s downfall. How was this characterisation achieved? Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is accentuated through Shakespeare's deliberate use of soliloquies to reveal Richard’s inner most thoughts. This is epitomised within the opening soliloquy where Shakespeare reveals to the audiences Richard’s “determination to prove a villain” in turn revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. What techniques are associated with these quotes? Right now you are just retelling the plot with dialogue. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard as a symbol for the absolute absence of integrity, and through his desires oppose God’s will, is immediately charted to struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. Moreover, Richard’s utmost willingness to sacrifice his integrity is elucidated through his manipulation of Lady Anne. The guise of affection displayed to Anne is shattered when Richard reveals through soliloquy that “[he] will not keep her long”, the absence of integrity further shaping his duplicitous facade through the deliberate use of dramatic irony. Right now you are using plot devices as your evidence. You need to use techniques instead - What compositional choices has Shakespeare made to communicate ideas about power and ambition? Capitalising on the duplicitous characterisation of Richard, Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s integrity in the pursuit of power will lead to unavoidable defeat. Richmond aligns himself with the goodness of God, and prays “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, indicative that Richard will struggle against the power of God. Retell - If someone who has seen the play knows about what is in your sentence already, you've not analysed. Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfill selfish motivations. I feel, given the length of this paragraph, you'd be better off splitting this into a separate paragraph with a new introduction, and concluding the previous one too. Perpetuating the need for integrity in a postmodern context, Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man and hence to potential to engage in the pursuit of power. Good, but not really a technique, I like it though. Hence, Pacino recognises the deprecation to one’s human psyche when integrity is absent, emphasising its relevance in his society. This duplicitous identity shaped by the absence of integrity is evident in Pacino’s remodelling of the opening soliloquy. The chiaroscuro lighting, accompanied by a close-up shot of Pacino’s livid facial expression as he spits out the phrase “son of York”, utilises shadow and light as a metaphor for duplicity. Could you explain this a little more? Seems a touch vague. Pacino then expounds this metaphor and likens Richard’s duplicity to 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”, allowing modern audiences to understand the endless struggle for power through a medium which they are familiar with. Nice reference to the contextual audience. Pacino, continues to use film techniques to portray Richard’s lack of integrity - in particular - the adaptation of the Lady Anne scene. Here, the costuming of Richard, in a black princely robe - connoting evil - is contrasted with the weeping Lady Anne in white. The deliberate colour scheme demonstrates the oblivion of Anne towards Richard’s intentions for power, infusing a sense of dramatic irony. In doing so, Pacino reflects on the 20th century, a society revolving around the power plays involved in Machiavellian politics, and draws parallels to Richard’s character. This works well. Technique, this is what it portrays to the audience. Nicely done. Your next step is to condense this analysis into fewer sentences! Despite this, Pacino still aims to forward the relevance of integrity in his context, evidenced through the closing sequence. Prospero metaphorically describes the world as an “insubstantial pageant”, reducing all the aspects of humanity down to the ambitious pursuit of power, resulting in a world where we “no longer feel”. Technique? As such, the parallels Pacino draws to King Richard III allow for a clear understanding of the everlasting importance of integrity and the detriments of its absence. This paragraph has isolated instances of excellent analysis, but there's a little too much retell, not a whole lot of techniques.
The unrestrained pursuit of power will inevitably cause individuals to concede their humility, and hence struggle with maintaining a sense of humanity and conscience. A sense of humility allows individuals to be content with themselves, resisting the temptations of power. Another nice conceptual start to a paragraph! The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Shakespeare accentuates Richard’s unrelenting desire for power, driven by the absence of humility through his betrayal of Hastings, a man characterised to exhibit the Christian virtues. Try not to use plot devices to demonstrate themes - It is all about techniques! Richard’s threatening tone as he accuses Hastings of being a “ protector of this damned strumpet … a traitor” reinforces his callous behaviour as he eliminates threats to his usurpation of the throne. Be careful, assign all techniques (including tone and things done by characters) to the composer, Shakespeare made the choice for that line to be threatening. It is clear that Richard will readily discard relations with others - a fundamental aspect of humanity - in order to achieve power, indicative of the absence of humility and a clear violation of the Christian construct of providentialism as he disregards his preordained position in society. Good reference to context, but again, need a focus on techniques here! Redemption, which is fundamental to the Christian doctrine in allowing one to regain their humility, is forwarded by Shakespeare through the dream sequence, where Richard is given one last chance to repent during the foreshadowing of his demise. Retell. The repetition and alliteration of “despair and die” between several ghosts stimulates an ominous and treacherous picture of Richard’s fate, and despite this, he dismisses “O coward conscience” and any chance of embracing humility. We've included a technique here, but you are still just retelling the story. As such, Richard’s inevitable defeat arises from an absence of humility, a clear reflection of the dogma of providentialism existent in the 14th century. Conversely, Pacino recontextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the unbridled search for power, ultimately to the detriment of one’s conscience. Again, I'd put this in a new paragraph. Just breaks the ideas up a little. To crystallise the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who draws intertextual parallels between the betrayal of Hastings to the events which unfold in The Godfather, referring to Richard and Buckingham as “gangsters”. By likening these characters to a well-known American film trope, Pacino allows modern audiences to understand that the desire for power is truly timeless, and the inevitable struggles to maintain one’s humanity. Very effective analysis there. Excellent job. Moreover, the sequence of Richard’s coronation extensively demonstrates Richard’s struggle to maintain his humanity, as he recognises the destruction to his psyche wrought by the absence of humility. The voiceover of “The emptiness of it…” delves directly into Richard’s thoughts as he recognises he has become completely absolved of his conscience. Slipped back into the story and what characters are thinking here. Back to techniques! This prompts the audience to consider the struggles to maintain one’s sanity tied to the pursuit of power, reaffirming the importance of a sense of humility. Furthermore, the conviction of ghosts as a religious trope had largely eroded in the secular 20th century, with Pacino focusing more on the action of the Battle of Bosworth. The zoomorphic depiction of Richard as “a kind of boar” by an academic symbolises his deteriorating sense of humanity and sanity. Good. This is intertwined with scenes of the battle to reinforce the association of Richard’s physical downfall to the diminishing of his humanity, portraying a more secularist perspective on the importance of humility and it’s role in satiating the ambitious desire for power. Hence, despite a drastic shift in social prospects between Shakespeare’s Richard III and Pacino’s Looking for Richard, the emphasis on the static nature of humility and it’s importance is exemplified. I like the way you brought the argument together here. This section on Pacino's text is by far the strongest part of your essay.
Overall feedback:
- Nice setup and very clear concepts on show throughout. Was never in doubt what you were arguing, good job there.
- Emphasising the parallels between the texts was done quite nicely, and also comparing how the different audiences reacted was covered well.
- Too much retell, try and get rid of the bits where you just recap the story or discuss what we learn about characters. Characters are puppets and we don't care about them, we care what they show us about themes.
- More techniques!
I hope this helps! ;D
Very helpful feedback, thank you very much!
Just wanted to ask about the structure of Mod A Essays, the students that scored well had a structure that had alternating scenes+techniques (i.e. Paragraph 1 is structured with Shakespeare Analysis 1, then corresponding Pacino analysis, then Shakespeare 2 and corresponding Pacino). However, mines was structured by exploring multiple Shakespeare analysis and then multiple Pacino analysis and I found it hard to address the "connections" component. What structure is recommended for Mod A in this case of question?
TIA
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2017, 11:00:42 pm
Very helpful feedback, thank you very much!
Just wanted to ask about the structure of Mod A Essays, the students that scored well had a structure that had alternating scenes+techniques (i.e. Paragraph 1 is structured with Shakespeare Analysis 1, then corresponding Pacino analysis, then Shakespeare 2 and corresponding Pacino). However, mines was structured by exploring multiple Shakespeare analysis and then multiple Pacino analysis and I found it hard to address the "connections" component. What structure is recommended for Mod A in this case of question?
TIA
You are welcome! ;D
I personally did a similar thing to you - Paragraphs that start with one and finish with the other. But I would throw in comparative phrases, like, "Similar to Pacino," or "in contrast to the perspective presented by Shakespeare," to get the connections in. Alternating between texts in a more fluid way also works! I don't think one is better than the other, I think it comes down to personal preference and writing style ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2017, 11:29:27 pm
Hi, I have linked my hamlet essay. I got 16/20 for task 3 and I'm looking to improve it. This one is to quite a straightforward question. Thanks in advance!
Hey! I'll see what help I can give, essay attached with feedback in bold :)
Essay w/ Feedback
How does Shakespeare’s Hamlet use dramatic and literary techniques to explore ideas that continue to resonate with us today?
Through the use of dramatic and literary techniques, Shakespeare has created a metatheatrical play which would have resonated with Elizabethan audiences and which still resonates with us today. I'd prefer you to establish the ideas/themes that are resonating with us BEFORE hitting us with the technique stuff. Hamlet (1601) explores the hamartia of indecision as a man is confronted by a world in figurative decay and a change in the zeitgeist from the medieval to the humanist. Through the character of Hamlet, we see a man attempting to confront these realities in his existential search for meaning in order to come to an understanding of his role in the world and the nature of reality. In this way he embodies the human condition which has universal resonance. Oversall, a fairly strong introduction. Answers the question and sets up your themes well, I think it would be benefit from being a little longer :)
Shakespeare’s Hamlet explores the pertinent question of mortality and death as Hamlet is unable to understand his purpose and role in the world much like we do today. Solid introduction, be careful not to make these too character focused though. It should be more conceptual/thematic in its approach. Confronted by a world in constant change due to the murder of his father and the adultery of his mother, Hamlet sinks into deep melancholia and explores many of the questions that we still find significant today. Retell, be careful you aren't using the story to convey ideas! It is all about techniques. Initially, Hamlet questions why he is forced to suffer in this world “O God! O God! / How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable/Seem to me all the uses of this world!” Retell. The use of soliloquy enhances a personal connection with the audience as we establish his reaction to his father’s death but the biblical reference shows Hamlet’s anger that god does not permit him to enter the afterlife through his suicide. Good audience reference, but this is just retelling the story a little bit, and soliloquy isn't really a technique. This is continued through the garden imagery: “That grows to seed. Things rank and gross in/nature” which shows how the “weeds” in society, the corruption, has led to him being in a position to kill himself decides that death is something to be wished “’tis a consummation/Devoutly to be wish’d.” Better in terms of technique, but still a very character focused approach. You aren't considering what the audience is shown about the theme more generally. But Hamlet ultimately comes to the opinion that it is “the dread of something after death,” which prevents people from killing themselves. Retell. Hamlet’s final view on death is in act 5 when he is holding a memento mori object, the skull of Yorick, “A fellow of infinite jest… and now/ how abhorred in my imagination it is,” reminding the audience, then and now, of our mortality. Retell. Enjambment is used to illustrate how Hamlet sees death as an equalising point as all that you have done before that is forgotten. Hamlet ultimately comes to the realisation that death is a final point of existence and as such, it makes no difference when we die so long as we are ready for it. Too character focused, Hamlet doesn't think anything, he is Shakespeare's puppet! Shakespeare explores this through the aphorism “If it be now, ‘tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come- the readiness is all.” Try and go for shorter quotes where you can - If only for your own benefit and ease :) Shakespeare continues to resonate with us today as Hamlet explores the difficulties of understanding mortality, a central aspect of the universal human condition. I'd swap the words Hamlet and Shakespeare in that sentence - It is the text Hamlet that resonates, as Shakespeare uses it to explore mortality.
Through the analysis of doubt and inaction, Shakespeare explores how humanist philosophy and overthinking overcomplicates simple action. Good, see how this is purely thematic? Better. Hamlet sees man as “passion’s slave” unable to escape the will of murder and revenge however when he is given this task, he is unable to take fervent action. Retell. Hamlet begins to punish himself for his lack of action as he even sees actors in the play within a play “Murder of Gonzago” being more emotive than he is “why what an ass I am! This is most brave/that I, the son of the dear murdered…must like a whore unpack my heart with words”. Retell, see how you are just recalling some of Hamlet's actions? The use of animalistic imagery and irony convey Hamlet’s self-loathing as he forces himself to think about the consequences of his actions rather than to just act. Try and put the technique in the same sentence as the quote, purely for clarity for the marker. You don't want them to think you've missed a technique only to discover it later, keep it all in one spot. Hamlet uses the excuse of needing more evidence as a method to justify his procrastination as seen in the personification “catch the conscience of the king”. Retell. But even when he confirms Claudius is the killer “Now might I do it pat, now a is a-praying/and now I’ll do’t and so a goes to heaven and so am I revenged”, he is still unable to kill him as he uses another excuse, the fact that he is praying, to justify even more procrastination as seen by the enjambment “send/to heaven”. Retell. Shakespeare suggests that Hamlet is incapable of taking action, at least while he has time to over think the action. What does this show the audience about the theme? In act IV, Hamlet finally comes to the realisation that he must kill Claudius as otherwise he is “A beast, no more”. Retell. This is exemplified by the simile “Examples gross as earth exhort me”, which shows how his action in this instance requires no thought as seen by his final resolution “from this time forth/my thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth.” What does it show the audience about your theme more broadly? Although this is the case, even when he returns from England, he still doesn’t take decisive action until he is called to take action by Laertes which he replies “Let be” indicating that it is no longer his decision to take revenge but an external force. Retell. The use of Laertes as a foil and an example of the medieval philosophy of “an eye for an eye” is also shown through Shakespeare’s depiction of Fortinbras. He is shown to uphold a code of chivalry and takes action to avenge the death of his father even if it is irrational “The imminent death of twenty thousand men/that for a fantasy and trick of fame”. Shakespeare uses the metatheatrical nature of the play to analyse how Hamlet is aware of his shortcomings in inaction yet he is still incapable of making decisive action. Some good bits in this paragraph, but a large part of it is retelling the story and/or describing the experiences of the character of Hamlet. This isn't what you need. You need what Shakespeare is doing to convey ideas/perspectives to his audience, and how this resonates with us in the modern day.
Tensions between Hamlet’s struggle for the truth and authenticity in the world are opposed to widespread corruption which lead Hamlet to asking his and our existential questions about the nature of truth in the world. A little too character focused. Caught between ‘authentic’ and ‘responsible’ action, Hamlet remains “unpregnant” of his cause and thus puts on an “antic disposition” in order to figure out if Claudius actually killed King Hamlet. Retell. This is emblematic of the entire play as characters all place disguises to cover their true actions. Retell. Claudius presented himself as a virtuous king seen through the double entendre when a distraught Ophelia exits: “Follow her close; give her good watch, I pray you.” Retell. Although it appears as though he cares for Ophelia’s safety, he actually afraid of the political implications when others learn of Polonius’s death. Retell - Right now you are explaining the intricacies of the plot of the play, but it is still retell! The hiding of one’s true meaning is also seen in Polonius who although seems to be a moral person as seen by the aphorism: “This above all: to thine own self be true,” is actually being more concerned with his political standing than his children. Retell, describing a character. The use of threatrum mundi in which the characters of the play reflect the aspects of society causes Hamlet to play many roles in society from a mourner to a madman and his father’s avenger in an attempt to find the one that he sees as correct. This causes him to embody many of the roles in our society, enhancing Hamlet’s universality and why it continues to resonate with us today. It also causes Hamlet to embody a Montaignesque character as he becomes sceptical of everyone around him: “For they are actions that a man might play. /But I have that within which passeth show; /These but the trappings and the suits of woe.” As a result, Hamlet’s character and his world resonates with us today as we continue to question whether everyone is as genuine as they seem or if they have hidden motives. An easy way to tell this paragraph isn't analysing Shakespeare's choices, is that you've not used Shakespeare's name in this paragraph. Meaning, at no point did you acknowledge Shakespeare making a compositional choice (using a technique) to communicate ideas to his audience. This unfortunately means that nothing in this paragraph is answering the question directly.
Shakespeare’s Hamlet continues to resonate with us today as it explores the universal notion of the human condition by exploring the notions of death, authenticity and doubt. In doing so, Shakespeare constructs a character who undergoes immense suffering as he finds truth in his world and confronts his role in society.
Through the use of dramatic and literary techniques, Shakespeare has created a metatheatrical play which would have resonated with Elizabethan audiences and which still resonates with us today. I'd prefer you to establish the ideas/themes that are resonating with us BEFORE hitting us with the technique stuff. Hamlet (1601) explores the hamartia of indecision as a man is confronted by a world in figurative decay and a change in the zeitgeist from the medieval to the humanist. Through the character of Hamlet, we see a man attempting to confront these realities in his existential search for meaning in order to come to an understanding of his role in the world and the nature of reality. In this way he embodies the human condition which has universal resonance. Oversall, a fairly strong introduction. Answers the question and sets up your themes well, I think it would be benefit from being a little longer :)
Shakespeare’s Hamlet explores the pertinent question of mortality and death as Hamlet is unable to understand his purpose and role in the world much like we do today. Solid introduction, be careful not to make these too character focused though. It should be more conceptual/thematic in its approach. Confronted by a world in constant change due to the murder of his father and the adultery of his mother, Hamlet sinks into deep melancholia and explores many of the questions that we still find significant today. Retell, be careful you aren't using the story to convey ideas! It is all about techniques. Initially, Hamlet questions why he is forced to suffer in this world “O God! O God! / How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable/Seem to me all the uses of this world!” Retell. The use of soliloquy enhances a personal connection with the audience as we establish his reaction to his father’s death but the biblical reference shows Hamlet’s anger that god does not permit him to enter the afterlife through his suicide. Good audience reference, but this is just retelling the story a little bit, and soliloquy isn't really a technique. This is continued through the garden imagery: “That grows to seed. Things rank and gross in/nature” which shows how the “weeds” in society, the corruption, has led to him being in a position to kill himself decides that death is something to be wished “’tis a consummation/Devoutly to be wish’d.” Better in terms of technique, but still a very character focused approach. You aren't considering what the audience is shown about the theme more generally. But Hamlet ultimately comes to the opinion that it is “the dread of something after death,” which prevents people from killing themselves. Retell. Hamlet’s final view on death is in act 5 when he is holding a memento mori object, the skull of Yorick, “A fellow of infinite jest… and now/ how abhorred in my imagination it is,” reminding the audience, then and now, of our mortality. Retell. Enjambment is used to illustrate how Hamlet sees death as an equalising point as all that you have done before that is forgotten. Hamlet ultimately comes to the realisation that death is a final point of existence and as such, it makes no difference when we die so long as we are ready for it. Too character focused, Hamlet doesn't think anything, he is Shakespeare's puppet! Shakespeare explores this through the aphorism “If it be now, ‘tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come- the readiness is all.” Try and go for shorter quotes where you can - If only for your own benefit and ease :) Shakespeare continues to resonate with us today as Hamlet explores the difficulties of understanding mortality, a central aspect of the universal human condition. I'd swap the words Hamlet and Shakespeare in that sentence - It is the text Hamlet that resonates, as Shakespeare uses it to explore mortality.
Through the analysis of doubt and inaction, Shakespeare explores how humanist philosophy and overthinking overcomplicates simple action. Good, see how this is purely thematic? Better. Hamlet sees man as “passion’s slave” unable to escape the will of murder and revenge however when he is given this task, he is unable to take fervent action. Retell. Hamlet begins to punish himself for his lack of action as he even sees actors in the play within a play “Murder of Gonzago” being more emotive than he is “why what an ass I am! This is most brave/that I, the son of the dear murdered…must like a whore unpack my heart with words”. Retell, see how you are just recalling some of Hamlet's actions? The use of animalistic imagery and irony convey Hamlet’s self-loathing as he forces himself to think about the consequences of his actions rather than to just act. Try and put the technique in the same sentence as the quote, purely for clarity for the marker. You don't want them to think you've missed a technique only to discover it later, keep it all in one spot. Hamlet uses the excuse of needing more evidence as a method to justify his procrastination as seen in the personification “catch the conscience of the king”. Retell. But even when he confirms Claudius is the killer “Now might I do it pat, now a is a-praying/and now I’ll do’t and so a goes to heaven and so am I revenged”, he is still unable to kill him as he uses another excuse, the fact that he is praying, to justify even more procrastination as seen by the enjambment “send/to heaven”. Retell. Shakespeare suggests that Hamlet is incapable of taking action, at least while he has time to over think the action. What does this show the audience about the theme? In act IV, Hamlet finally comes to the realisation that he must kill Claudius as otherwise he is “A beast, no more”. Retell. This is exemplified by the simile “Examples gross as earth exhort me”, which shows how his action in this instance requires no thought as seen by his final resolution “from this time forth/my thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth.” What does it show the audience about your theme more broadly? Although this is the case, even when he returns from England, he still doesn’t take decisive action until he is called to take action by Laertes which he replies “Let be” indicating that it is no longer his decision to take revenge but an external force. Retell. The use of Laertes as a foil and an example of the medieval philosophy of “an eye for an eye” is also shown through Shakespeare’s depiction of Fortinbras. He is shown to uphold a code of chivalry and takes action to avenge the death of his father even if it is irrational “The imminent death of twenty thousand men/that for a fantasy and trick of fame”. Shakespeare uses the metatheatrical nature of the play to analyse how Hamlet is aware of his shortcomings in inaction yet he is still incapable of making decisive action. Some good bits in this paragraph, but a large part of it is retelling the story and/or describing the experiences of the character of Hamlet. This isn't what you need. You need what Shakespeare is doing to convey ideas/perspectives to his audience, and how this resonates with us in the modern day.
Tensions between Hamlet’s struggle for the truth and authenticity in the world are opposed to widespread corruption which lead Hamlet to asking his and our existential questions about the nature of truth in the world. A little too character focused. Caught between ‘authentic’ and ‘responsible’ action, Hamlet remains “unpregnant” of his cause and thus puts on an “antic disposition” in order to figure out if Claudius actually killed King Hamlet. Retell. This is emblematic of the entire play as characters all place disguises to cover their true actions. Retell. Claudius presented himself as a virtuous king seen through the double entendre when a distraught Ophelia exits: “Follow her close; give her good watch, I pray you.” Retell. Although it appears as though he cares for Ophelia’s safety, he actually afraid of the political implications when others learn of Polonius’s death. Retell - Right now you are explaining the intricacies of the plot of the play, but it is still retell! The hiding of one’s true meaning is also seen in Polonius who although seems to be a moral person as seen by the aphorism: “This above all: to thine own self be true,” is actually being more concerned with his political standing than his children. Retell, describing a character. The use of threatrum mundi in which the characters of the play reflect the aspects of society causes Hamlet to play many roles in society from a mourner to a madman and his father’s avenger in an attempt to find the one that he sees as correct. This causes him to embody many of the roles in our society, enhancing Hamlet’s universality and why it continues to resonate with us today. It also causes Hamlet to embody a Montaignesque character as he becomes sceptical of everyone around him: “For they are actions that a man might play. /But I have that within which passeth show; /These but the trappings and the suits of woe.” As a result, Hamlet’s character and his world resonates with us today as we continue to question whether everyone is as genuine as they seem or if they have hidden motives. An easy way to tell this paragraph isn't analysing Shakespeare's choices, is that you've not used Shakespeare's name in this paragraph. Meaning, at no point did you acknowledge Shakespeare making a compositional choice (using a technique) to communicate ideas to his audience. This unfortunately means that nothing in this paragraph is answering the question directly.
Shakespeare’s Hamlet continues to resonate with us today as it explores the universal notion of the human condition by exploring the notions of death, authenticity and doubt. In doing so, Shakespeare constructs a character who undergoes immense suffering as he finds truth in his world and confronts his role in society.
The biggest piece of feedback I have on this essay is to avoid retell. Over half of your essay is exploring the plot of the play, the intricacies of the characters motives and experiences. This means you aren't exploring ideas, you are exploring characters. You need to abstract, take out all of the unnecessary plot details, and focus on techniques used by Shakespeare to convey his perspectives. So, Shakespeare uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to SHOW SOMETHING, and the audience today responds to that in this way. Thus, it resonates with us. Or something similar to that sort of structure.
I think the ideas you have are strong, but you've explored them in a way that is too text focused and too character focused. Good news is that is the easier thing to fix out of the two!! ;D
My comments throughout should cover the rest of my feedback, the retell thing is the big one. Hopefully this helps! Let me know if I can clarify anything for you :)
Post by: Wales on June 28, 2017, 12:56:43 am
Hey Wales! My turn - Hopefully this last minute feedback is useful :)SpoilerPolitics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. Love the start to your Thesis paragraph, excellent backdrop of dystopian texts in general. Be sure to use commas to break ideas up into manageable chunks. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. Great. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. Great introduction, I'd manipulate the wording of your last sentence a little to make it SUPER CLEAR you are answering the question. But otherwise, good work :)
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. Great concept. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through satire of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Be sure to inform the reader you are discussing Huxley's text, keep the flow logical. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded consumerism with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and substitute for profanity “Oh Ford” signifying the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody. Excellent analysis of techniques. The nihilistic nature of a totalitarianistic society is illustrated by the desire to control the spiritual elements of humanity representing the lacking autonomous desire of individuals. Remember to use commas - I'm having to re-read a few sentences to properly process your ideas. They are great ideas, but make sure the marker doesn't have to do any work to interpret them. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedia and conditioning process with the end objective of a conformist state. Watch that you don't rely too much on plot elements to convey your ideas. The intellectual conformity characterised through the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” results in a diminishment of the intrinsic autonomous nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of autocratic rule and capitalist consumerist world space where a loss of individuality is imminent. Commas. Huxley’s italicised text “But these suggestions are our suggestions” is a deceptive representation of the World State’s ethos due to the assertive nature of the leaders and their forcing of ideologies upon individuals. What impact would this have on the audience? Be sure to make this final step, what does the audience learn or what new understanding is presented to us? By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley represents the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates the limited intellectual freedoms of the citizens. Strong paragraph with excellent conceptual ideas, well argued. Good job.
Snowden captures the phantasmic political ideology of security and manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Fantastic introduction. Stone depicts the impunity of the Government with the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” portraying an abuse of authority and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal life of a citizen, contradicting the Civil Liberty of the right to be secure hence promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. Again, commas - I feel your sentences and frequently just a phrase too long. Work on being succinct and choosing words carefully to cut your overall count down. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Be careful not to focus too much on what we learn about characters in the text - They are just puppets for larger ideas. What does the audience learn about powerlessness more generally? Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people. Another strong paragraph, excellent work.
To achieve the ultimate goal of a utopian society clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result of happiness where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people in order to manipulate them. Commas. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to oppression by exploiting the happiness of citizens and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means evident in the satire of the mass production line. Commas - Your ideas are fantastic, but I'm working quite hard to group things in the right way here. Huxley leaves the citizens in a vulnerable state whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying that if one is not educated they cannot be troubled. A little too plot focused here I think? Not really any techniques. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of “Community, Identity and Stability” and instant gratification as a prerequisite to achieve happiness. Stone proposes the US Government exercises the similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of keeping the populace ignorant and deprived of autonomy. Isn't this the same idea though? Like, ignorance is safety/bliss, do they not support each other in this way? Further displays of the Government dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of journalism suggesting the oppressive disposition of modern political agendas. Commas. The intertextual allusion to Orwell’s 1984 represents the Government’s oppressive approach to attaining control through fear and parallels the similar dystopian notion of power which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s jurisdiction. Commas. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature of politics on the citizens. This paragraph particularly, your ideas are getting lost in your expression. Try and keep things simple - You have a strong vocabulary and great ideas, but I was yearning for shorter sentences and more organised ideas. What is there is great but it isn't presented in a way an exhausted marker will be receptive to at 10pm while their kids are screaming in the background.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Excellent. Both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control represents the dark thematics of a dystopian world space where a lack of autonomous desire and powerlessness overrides the populace. Good conclusion - A little short but I think it accomplishes what it needs to.
Overall comments:
- Techniques and ideas are, on the whole, fantastic
- You need to tidy up expression. Simplify and shorten your sentences, watch for redundant phrases and little bits of plot info you can cut. Use commas often, your sentences are way too long not to have them (don't worry, mine were long too, commas solve all issues!)
- Be careful that your analysis is focusing on audience impact. At times it went back a step to what we learn about characters/world spaces, which isn't the focus. Keep things conceptual and thematic.
Hope this helps ;D
Awesome :D
I'm actually kinda impressed that I was able to fix up most of the errors you pointed out before I saw the feedback :P I needed affirmation that my concepts were grounded well and you've helped strengthen that.
Appreciate your work as always :)
Cheers, Wales
Post by: bearbear on June 29, 2017, 06:07:37 pm
Post by: winstondarmawan on July 04, 2017, 04:03:47 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 04, 2017, 04:20:38 pm
Hey, just wanted to know what if we just wanted some parts of our essay marked and not the full thing? Does it still constitute 15 points?
We're happy for you to post a paragraph for feedback and you won't need the 15 posts ;D
Post by: winstondarmawan on July 04, 2017, 04:32:16 pm
Q: Critically evaluate how texts represent the idea that the various landscapes in our lives shape our sense of self and our relationships.
Thesis:
Perspectives concerning the various real, remembered and imagined landscapes which encompass our lives vary between individuals. Thus, it is our reaction to and experiences within these landscapes that truly shape sense of self and relationships, the landscape only acting as a catalyst.
Topic sentence 1 (Clay): A composer’s representation of the tension between urban and natural landscapes reflects the inner struggle within the individual as they determine the landscapes they wish to engage in, ultimately shaping their sense of self and relationships.
Grounding: Harrison encapsulates aspects of her own experiences in rural England into each character in her urban-pastoral novel Clay, each with different attitudes about the various landscapes they inhabit.
Topic sentence 2 (After the Storm): The unequivocal power of nature to reform the landscapes around us catalyses an individual’s stronger understanding of themselves and their relationships as they are exposed to unfamiliar landscapes and situations.
Grounding: Combining his proficiency at film making with a deep-rooted connection to his home state of Alabama in his interactive documentary After the Storm, Grace explores the capacity of nature to reclaim the landscapes overtaken by urban expansion, highlighting the inescapable co-existence of humanity and nature.
Topic sentence 3 (Clay + After the Storm): An individual’s yearning of certain real, remembered or imagined landscapes arises from a composer’s representation of the inadequacy of other landscapes to shape a positive sense of self and relationships.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 04, 2017, 04:47:22 pm
Hi, could I get some feedback on this essay? It is for Module C People and Politics on The Crucible and it got a 13/20. The feedback I got said I had clear line of argument and structure but I needed to have a more insightful interpretation of Danforth and to talk about characters in more depth. A related text wasn't used but it needed to be linked to Miller's context (which I didn't get any feedback on). Thanks!
Hey bearbear! I've attached your essay below with feedback in bold:
Essay With Feedback
Representations of politics often reveal the relationship between authority and its impact on people. How has Arthur Miller represented this relationship and its impact in The Crucible?
Representations of politics within a text often reflects a composer’s context and is a criticism of political motives and authority, and the impacts they have on individuals and society. That sentence is perhaps a tad too long ('and' used twice), however, good start. I'd split into two to properly flesh out both parts of the sentence. Authority enable individuals to obtain power and how they use that power will influence its impact on people. Expression issue here, not quite sure of the idea you are presenting. Power can be abused, resulting in fear, hysteria and rebellion, however, power can be also used to fight against injustice and promote the truth. Arthur Miller’s allegorical play, The Crucible (1953), explores the relationship between authority and it’s impact on society and individuals using the Salem witch trials of 1692 and his own political context of McCarthyism in 1950s America. Exactly what ideas is Miller going to present through the text? Right now the ideas you are exploring are a little vague, try and set up specific themes/ideas Miller covers in this introduction.
The way in which power is used can be influenced by an individual’s context and political events and situations. These and events can often be turbulent which can cause dissent amongst society. When this occurs it causes those in authority to tighten control and exert their power more forcefully, which can cause hysteria and rebellion. This is seen through the character of Deputy Governor Danforth who abuses his power by convicting the innocent with no concrete evidence. Don't use plot details/character description as evidence - You need to use techniques. Danforth is determined to stamp out the threat of witchcraft and this is shown when he says “we burn a hot fire here: it melts down all concealment.” Retell, see how you are just telling me what the character said? The violent imagery of this statement shows his determination but it is also ironic as Danforth is seeking the truth even though he himself is deeply corrupt. Try not to discuss character dialogue as if it is their dialogue, it is MILLER who makes these choices. All techniques should be attributed to Miller. Danforth maintains the perception that what he is doing is “just”, when in reality he is abusing his authority and power by threatening Mary Warren to confess saying, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” Retell. The use of the rhetorical question shows Danforth harshly reminding Mary of his authoritative position and by threatening her he shows how he is abusing his power. Retell/character description, you aren't really exploring the themes here, but characters! You need to approach it more conceptually. Danforth also abuses his power by refusing to listen to the dissenting views of those who are trying to expose the truth. Retell. He accuses these individuals of being disloyal to the court by saying “a person is either with this court or against it, there is no road in between.” Retell. This statement shows how intolerant and controlling Danforth is. This abuse of power leads to innocent people being sent to their death, causing chaos in Salem. Retell. Miller uses this to mirror his political context of McCarthyism. In both of these political situations, innocent people were wrongly accused with no concrete evidence or proof of wrongdoing. Miller was significantly affected by the McCarthy trials as he himself was targeted and the Salem community was essentially destroyed. American authorities feared and were paranoid that communists would infiltrate society and as a result abused their authority and power to stamp out the threat. These events exemplify how political situations can cause individuals to abuse their power and how it negatively impacts society. Good link to context, but you've not done much more than talk about the similarities between the events in the text and the events in Miller's context. You need more - What are Miller's ideas and how were THEY influenced by his context. How is the context obvious in the techniques Miller uses?
While the abuse of power and authority can negatively impact society, it can cause some to rebel against those in power by promoting the truth and fighting against the injustice. In the Crucible, the character of John Proctor demonstrates how the abuse of power can cause some to act out against those in authority. This is a good start, and it seems more conceptual than the previous paragraph so far. Proctor is a well respected individual in the Salem community but has no official authority. Back to retell - Always ask, does anyone who has read the text know what I'm about to say? One individual that Proctor rebels against is Reverend Parris, claiming that he only ‘preach hellfire and bloody damnation’. Retell. The imagery of ‘hellfire’ and ‘bloody damnation’ shows Proctor’s distrust for Parris as he believes the minister is corrupt. Proctor also rebels against the court as has the power to expose the truth to save his wife and end the witch hunt, however, the court has become corrupt, preventing him from being able remedy the injustice. Proctor shows how corrupt the court has become in this statement, ‘vengeance is walking Salem….the little crazy children are jangling the keys of the kingdom, and common vengeance writes the law!’. The personification and repetition of ‘vengeance’ reveals the injustice of the witch trials as they are based on revenge rather than truth and is symbolic of Abigail's revenge. You are doing a great job identifying a variety of techniques, but you are using them to analyse the plot more than you are the concept in a more universal way. It also shows through the imagery of ‘children jangling the keys’ the reversal of power roles as the girls who made accusations of witchcraft suddenly have the power to convict the innocent with the point of their finger, despite their lack of authority. Retell. This further reinforces how the court is abusing it’s power and as a result Proctor becomes a victim of this abuse as the truth is ignored. Retell. Proctor believed that by confessing the truth he could protect Elizabeth, even stating ‘Do that which is good, and no harm shall come to thee.’ However, this statement reflects the irony of the situation as Proctor has done what is ‘good’ by exposing the truth, but has come to harm as is forced to confess publicly or give his life. Danforth ignores the truth that has been exposed by repeatedly refusing to postpone the hangings by stating, "There will be no postponement" and "postponement now speaks a floundering on my part..." as he believes acknowledging the truth will undermine his authority. Retell. This is reflective of Miller’s context as he had been charged with contempt of congress after he had refused to name the individuals who he had attended a meeting with as they were alleged communist writers. There was no consideration about the truth of the meeting and Miller was charged by accusations. Miller had become a victim of the abuse of power which prompted him to speak out against the mass conformity and the lack of personal opinion of his time. He expressed this through writing The Crucible as a criticism of his personal political context and the impact that authority has on society. In both these situations it is demonstrated that the abuse of power can cause individuals to rebel in order to promote the truth and fight injustice. This is a slightly better reference to context, but try not to spend many sentences retelling the details. It should be a faster, more integrated reference: "The use of THIS technique demonstrates Miller's opposal to mass conformity, strongly reflective of Miller's personal legal battles." Or similar to that. Quick, powerful, and related primarily to the theme!
Arthur Miller uses The Crucible and it’s key characters to represent the relationship between authority and it’s impacts individuals and society. He demonstrates how power can be abused by those in positions of authority which results in fear and hysteria. Miller also reveals how the abuse of power can cause some to rebel against authority to expose the truth and fight injustice. The Crucible and McCarthyism in the 1950’s, provide valuable insight into the power of accusation and reveals the link between authority and abuse of power and how this impact individuals and society.
Representations of politics within a text often reflects a composer’s context and is a criticism of political motives and authority, and the impacts they have on individuals and society. That sentence is perhaps a tad too long ('and' used twice), however, good start. I'd split into two to properly flesh out both parts of the sentence. Authority enable individuals to obtain power and how they use that power will influence its impact on people. Expression issue here, not quite sure of the idea you are presenting. Power can be abused, resulting in fear, hysteria and rebellion, however, power can be also used to fight against injustice and promote the truth. Arthur Miller’s allegorical play, The Crucible (1953), explores the relationship between authority and it’s impact on society and individuals using the Salem witch trials of 1692 and his own political context of McCarthyism in 1950s America. Exactly what ideas is Miller going to present through the text? Right now the ideas you are exploring are a little vague, try and set up specific themes/ideas Miller covers in this introduction.
The way in which power is used can be influenced by an individual’s context and political events and situations. These and events can often be turbulent which can cause dissent amongst society. When this occurs it causes those in authority to tighten control and exert their power more forcefully, which can cause hysteria and rebellion. This is seen through the character of Deputy Governor Danforth who abuses his power by convicting the innocent with no concrete evidence. Don't use plot details/character description as evidence - You need to use techniques. Danforth is determined to stamp out the threat of witchcraft and this is shown when he says “we burn a hot fire here: it melts down all concealment.” Retell, see how you are just telling me what the character said? The violent imagery of this statement shows his determination but it is also ironic as Danforth is seeking the truth even though he himself is deeply corrupt. Try not to discuss character dialogue as if it is their dialogue, it is MILLER who makes these choices. All techniques should be attributed to Miller. Danforth maintains the perception that what he is doing is “just”, when in reality he is abusing his authority and power by threatening Mary Warren to confess saying, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” Retell. The use of the rhetorical question shows Danforth harshly reminding Mary of his authoritative position and by threatening her he shows how he is abusing his power. Retell/character description, you aren't really exploring the themes here, but characters! You need to approach it more conceptually. Danforth also abuses his power by refusing to listen to the dissenting views of those who are trying to expose the truth. Retell. He accuses these individuals of being disloyal to the court by saying “a person is either with this court or against it, there is no road in between.” Retell. This statement shows how intolerant and controlling Danforth is. This abuse of power leads to innocent people being sent to their death, causing chaos in Salem. Retell. Miller uses this to mirror his political context of McCarthyism. In both of these political situations, innocent people were wrongly accused with no concrete evidence or proof of wrongdoing. Miller was significantly affected by the McCarthy trials as he himself was targeted and the Salem community was essentially destroyed. American authorities feared and were paranoid that communists would infiltrate society and as a result abused their authority and power to stamp out the threat. These events exemplify how political situations can cause individuals to abuse their power and how it negatively impacts society. Good link to context, but you've not done much more than talk about the similarities between the events in the text and the events in Miller's context. You need more - What are Miller's ideas and how were THEY influenced by his context. How is the context obvious in the techniques Miller uses?
While the abuse of power and authority can negatively impact society, it can cause some to rebel against those in power by promoting the truth and fighting against the injustice. In the Crucible, the character of John Proctor demonstrates how the abuse of power can cause some to act out against those in authority. This is a good start, and it seems more conceptual than the previous paragraph so far. Proctor is a well respected individual in the Salem community but has no official authority. Back to retell - Always ask, does anyone who has read the text know what I'm about to say? One individual that Proctor rebels against is Reverend Parris, claiming that he only ‘preach hellfire and bloody damnation’. Retell. The imagery of ‘hellfire’ and ‘bloody damnation’ shows Proctor’s distrust for Parris as he believes the minister is corrupt. Proctor also rebels against the court as has the power to expose the truth to save his wife and end the witch hunt, however, the court has become corrupt, preventing him from being able remedy the injustice. Proctor shows how corrupt the court has become in this statement, ‘vengeance is walking Salem….the little crazy children are jangling the keys of the kingdom, and common vengeance writes the law!’. The personification and repetition of ‘vengeance’ reveals the injustice of the witch trials as they are based on revenge rather than truth and is symbolic of Abigail's revenge. You are doing a great job identifying a variety of techniques, but you are using them to analyse the plot more than you are the concept in a more universal way. It also shows through the imagery of ‘children jangling the keys’ the reversal of power roles as the girls who made accusations of witchcraft suddenly have the power to convict the innocent with the point of their finger, despite their lack of authority. Retell. This further reinforces how the court is abusing it’s power and as a result Proctor becomes a victim of this abuse as the truth is ignored. Retell. Proctor believed that by confessing the truth he could protect Elizabeth, even stating ‘Do that which is good, and no harm shall come to thee.’ However, this statement reflects the irony of the situation as Proctor has done what is ‘good’ by exposing the truth, but has come to harm as is forced to confess publicly or give his life. Danforth ignores the truth that has been exposed by repeatedly refusing to postpone the hangings by stating, "There will be no postponement" and "postponement now speaks a floundering on my part..." as he believes acknowledging the truth will undermine his authority. Retell. This is reflective of Miller’s context as he had been charged with contempt of congress after he had refused to name the individuals who he had attended a meeting with as they were alleged communist writers. There was no consideration about the truth of the meeting and Miller was charged by accusations. Miller had become a victim of the abuse of power which prompted him to speak out against the mass conformity and the lack of personal opinion of his time. He expressed this through writing The Crucible as a criticism of his personal political context and the impact that authority has on society. In both these situations it is demonstrated that the abuse of power can cause individuals to rebel in order to promote the truth and fight injustice. This is a slightly better reference to context, but try not to spend many sentences retelling the details. It should be a faster, more integrated reference: "The use of THIS technique demonstrates Miller's opposal to mass conformity, strongly reflective of Miller's personal legal battles." Or similar to that. Quick, powerful, and related primarily to the theme!
Arthur Miller uses The Crucible and it’s key characters to represent the relationship between authority and it’s impacts individuals and society. He demonstrates how power can be abused by those in positions of authority which results in fear and hysteria. Miller also reveals how the abuse of power can cause some to rebel against authority to expose the truth and fight injustice. The Crucible and McCarthyism in the 1950’s, provide valuable insight into the power of accusation and reveals the link between authority and abuse of power and how this impact individuals and society.
Overall my main comments (focusing on the feedback you received):
- I agree, your structure was clear and the way you explained your concepts was direct. At all times I knew what your argument was. Good job there!
- Great work on techniques too!
- When asked to talk about characters "in more depth," I interpret that as discussing them in a more thematic way. So, shifting away from descriptions of their actions and the techniques that appear in their dialogue, and shifting instead to how Miller portrays those characters to represent themes. Right now you are sort of doing, "This is what happened, and this sort of shows us this about the character in terms of power." Instead, it needs to be, "Miller wants to show this, and it reflects this aspect of context, and he constructs this character in this way to show us that." It is subtle but it is important!
- On context, try and integrate it more seamlessly. Smaller, more meaningful references throughout do more for you than a big description at the end of the paragraph, because doing it at the end feels more separate and doesn't put everything together quite as effectively :)
Hopefully these thoughts plus my comments throughout are helpful! Let us know if we can be of any more help ;D
Post by: bearbear on July 04, 2017, 07:12:55 pm
Hey bearbear! I've attached your essay below with feedback in bold:Essay With FeedbackRepresentations of politics often reveal the relationship between authority and its impact on people. How has Arthur Miller represented this relationship and its impact in The Crucible?
Representations of politics within a text often reflects a composer’s context and is a criticism of political motives and authority, and the impacts they have on individuals and society. That sentence is perhaps a tad too long ('and' used twice), however, good start. I'd split into two to properly flesh out both parts of the sentence. Authority enable individuals to obtain power and how they use that power will influence its impact on people. Expression issue here, not quite sure of the idea you are presenting. Power can be abused, resulting in fear, hysteria and rebellion, however, power can be also used to fight against injustice and promote the truth. Arthur Miller’s allegorical play, The Crucible (1953), explores the relationship between authority and it’s impact on society and individuals using the Salem witch trials of 1692 and his own political context of McCarthyism in 1950s America. Exactly what ideas is Miller going to present through the text? Right now the ideas you are exploring are a little vague, try and set up specific themes/ideas Miller covers in this introduction.
The way in which power is used can be influenced by an individual’s context and political events and situations. These and events can often be turbulent which can cause dissent amongst society. When this occurs it causes those in authority to tighten control and exert their power more forcefully, which can cause hysteria and rebellion. This is seen through the character of Deputy Governor Danforth who abuses his power by convicting the innocent with no concrete evidence. Don't use plot details/character description as evidence - You need to use techniques. Danforth is determined to stamp out the threat of witchcraft and this is shown when he says “we burn a hot fire here: it melts down all concealment.” Retell, see how you are just telling me what the character said? The violent imagery of this statement shows his determination but it is also ironic as Danforth is seeking the truth even though he himself is deeply corrupt. Try not to discuss character dialogue as if it is their dialogue, it is MILLER who makes these choices. All techniques should be attributed to Miller. Danforth maintains the perception that what he is doing is “just”, when in reality he is abusing his authority and power by threatening Mary Warren to confess saying, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” Retell. The use of the rhetorical question shows Danforth harshly reminding Mary of his authoritative position and by threatening her he shows how he is abusing his power. Retell/character description, you aren't really exploring the themes here, but characters! You need to approach it more conceptually. Danforth also abuses his power by refusing to listen to the dissenting views of those who are trying to expose the truth. Retell. He accuses these individuals of being disloyal to the court by saying “a person is either with this court or against it, there is no road in between.” Retell. This statement shows how intolerant and controlling Danforth is. This abuse of power leads to innocent people being sent to their death, causing chaos in Salem. Retell. Miller uses this to mirror his political context of McCarthyism. In both of these political situations, innocent people were wrongly accused with no concrete evidence or proof of wrongdoing. Miller was significantly affected by the McCarthy trials as he himself was targeted and the Salem community was essentially destroyed. American authorities feared and were paranoid that communists would infiltrate society and as a result abused their authority and power to stamp out the threat. These events exemplify how political situations can cause individuals to abuse their power and how it negatively impacts society. Good link to context, but you've not done much more than talk about the similarities between the events in the text and the events in Miller's context. You need more - What are Miller's ideas and how were THEY influenced by his context. How is the context obvious in the techniques Miller uses?
While the abuse of power and authority can negatively impact society, it can cause some to rebel against those in power by promoting the truth and fighting against the injustice. In the Crucible, the character of John Proctor demonstrates how the abuse of power can cause some to act out against those in authority. This is a good start, and it seems more conceptual than the previous paragraph so far. Proctor is a well respected individual in the Salem community but has no official authority. Back to retell - Always ask, does anyone who has read the text know what I'm about to say? One individual that Proctor rebels against is Reverend Parris, claiming that he only ‘preach hellfire and bloody damnation’. Retell. The imagery of ‘hellfire’ and ‘bloody damnation’ shows Proctor’s distrust for Parris as he believes the minister is corrupt. Proctor also rebels against the court as has the power to expose the truth to save his wife and end the witch hunt, however, the court has become corrupt, preventing him from being able remedy the injustice. Proctor shows how corrupt the court has become in this statement, ‘vengeance is walking Salem….the little crazy children are jangling the keys of the kingdom, and common vengeance writes the law!’. The personification and repetition of ‘vengeance’ reveals the injustice of the witch trials as they are based on revenge rather than truth and is symbolic of Abigail's revenge. You are doing a great job identifying a variety of techniques, but you are using them to analyse the plot more than you are the concept in a more universal way. It also shows through the imagery of ‘children jangling the keys’ the reversal of power roles as the girls who made accusations of witchcraft suddenly have the power to convict the innocent with the point of their finger, despite their lack of authority. Retell. This further reinforces how the court is abusing it’s power and as a result Proctor becomes a victim of this abuse as the truth is ignored. Retell. Proctor believed that by confessing the truth he could protect Elizabeth, even stating ‘Do that which is good, and no harm shall come to thee.’ However, this statement reflects the irony of the situation as Proctor has done what is ‘good’ by exposing the truth, but has come to harm as is forced to confess publicly or give his life. Danforth ignores the truth that has been exposed by repeatedly refusing to postpone the hangings by stating, "There will be no postponement" and "postponement now speaks a floundering on my part..." as he believes acknowledging the truth will undermine his authority. Retell. This is reflective of Miller’s context as he had been charged with contempt of congress after he had refused to name the individuals who he had attended a meeting with as they were alleged communist writers. There was no consideration about the truth of the meeting and Miller was charged by accusations. Miller had become a victim of the abuse of power which prompted him to speak out against the mass conformity and the lack of personal opinion of his time. He expressed this through writing The Crucible as a criticism of his personal political context and the impact that authority has on society. In both these situations it is demonstrated that the abuse of power can cause individuals to rebel in order to promote the truth and fight injustice. This is a slightly better reference to context, but try not to spend many sentences retelling the details. It should be a faster, more integrated reference: "The use of THIS technique demonstrates Miller's opposal to mass conformity, strongly reflective of Miller's personal legal battles." Or similar to that. Quick, powerful, and related primarily to the theme!
Arthur Miller uses The Crucible and it’s key characters to represent the relationship between authority and it’s impacts individuals and society. He demonstrates how power can be abused by those in positions of authority which results in fear and hysteria. Miller also reveals how the abuse of power can cause some to rebel against authority to expose the truth and fight injustice. The Crucible and McCarthyism in the 1950’s, provide valuable insight into the power of accusation and reveals the link between authority and abuse of power and how this impact individuals and society.
Overall my main comments (focusing on the feedback you received):
- I agree, your structure was clear and the way you explained your concepts was direct. At all times I knew what your argument was. Good job there!
- Great work on techniques too!
- When asked to talk about characters "in more depth," I interpret that as discussing them in a more thematic way. So, shifting away from descriptions of their actions and the techniques that appear in their dialogue, and shifting instead to how Miller portrays those characters to represent themes. Right now you are sort of doing, "This is what happened, and this sort of shows us this about the character in terms of power." Instead, it needs to be, "Miller wants to show this, and it reflects this aspect of context, and he constructs this character in this way to show us that." It is subtle but it is important!
- On context, try and integrate it more seamlessly. Smaller, more meaningful references throughout do more for you than a big description at the end of the paragraph, because doing it at the end feels more separate and doesn't put everything together quite as effectively :)
Hopefully these thoughts plus my comments throughout are helpful! Let us know if we can be of any more help ;D
Thankyou, this is helpful, but how do I try to fix the 'retell' as I thought had done really well with this essay to avoid it? I had this essay marked by two teachers and neither made a comment about retell.
And just another question, do you think that by having a more thematic focus I would be able to boost my marks?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 04, 2017, 09:32:40 pm
Thankyou, this is helpful, but how do I try to fix the 'retell' as I thought had done really well with this essay to avoid it? I had this essay marked by two teachers and neither made a comment about retell.
And just another question, do you think that by having a more thematic focus I would be able to boost my marks?
Retell is my personal pet peeve, so don't take my feedback filled with the word 'retell' as a seriously bad thing. It just means I'm noticing you retelling the story in a recount sort of fashion, where it would be better to approach it more analytically. The trick to this is to constantly be thinking in terms of the composer - Everything starts there. What idea do they want to convey? How do they do it (technique)? How effective is that (audience impact)? You aren't starting with a "Here's what happened" and then linking it back to a theme, you are making more deliberate links to what the composer wants to show.
Let me try and give you an example. So take this excerpt from your essay:
Danforth maintains the perception that what he is doing is “just”, when in reality he is abusing his authority and power by threatening Mary Warren to confess saying, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” The use of the rhetorical question shows Danforth harshly reminding Mary of his authoritative position and by threatening her he shows how he is abusing his power.
Red bits are retell-esque! You might cover these same details (excuse any errors, I didn't study this text, but hopefully it gives you the idea) in this way:
Miller's use of rhetorical question, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” accentuates the representation of an abuse of power by Danforth, thus demonstrating __________ to the audience.
Notice I've covered pretty much the same thing as you, but without plot details. Purely, here's the technique Miller uses, this is what it represents, and then you add what it conveys to the audience. Just a rough idea of what I mean by shifting away from retell.
More thematic focus = More marks? Yes, I think so! But, it is also a harder style of essay to write (imo), definitely not a guaranteed fix :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 04, 2017, 10:12:14 pm
Okay so I have my thesis and topic sentences for this question, just wanted to know if these make sense and work.
On taking a read, I think they work excellently! Thesis is great, leaves room for exploration of concepts but still answers the question. Topic sentences are all insightful and direct in what they add to that Thesis. Only qualm I'd have is the "reforming power of nature" in the 2nd topic sentence, seems just a bit vague - But that's a nitpick. I think you are off to an excellent start ;D
Post by: chloeannbarwick on July 05, 2017, 09:29:52 am
To what extent have the two texts you have studied in this module enhanced your understanding of what it means to be human? – comparative study.
John Donne’s 17th century metaphysical poetry explores the limitations of intellectuality on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for redemption. These central renaissance values from within Donne’s sonnets Hymn to God: my God in my Sickness, Death be not proud, and A valediction: Forbidden mourning, are effectively reshaped by Margaret Edson within her 20th century minimalist play W;t (1995) through the inclusion of simmilar extremes to that of Donne, which depict the consequences which arise from being human. Both Donne and Edson employ a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response, the formation of my own conclusions, and a deepened understanding of what exactly it means to be a human in both the modern era and Donne’s 17th century context.
Despite contrasting religious frameworks, the personas’ obsession with using academia in an attempt to overcome the emotional impact of death becomes exceedingly obvious within both texts. John Donne and Vivian Bearing face death with extensive intellect and vocabulary, although in both cases, the limitations of their academia become obvious. Both personas’ must come to accept the fact that as humans, we are not capable of beating death and must therefore work towards acceptance. The intertextuality of Donne’s sonnets assists Vivian in overcoming her fear of immanent death through the elusive power of renaissance literature. The line from Death, be not proud, “Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,” addresses death directly, the boldness of which serves to undermine deaths power. Misinterpreting this, Vivian believes that she can avoid her inevitable death, however, as a human, she is physically unable to survive such intense and dangerous rounds of chemo as seen by not only the physical, but the mental toll effecting who she is. Vivian’s extensive intellect does not allow her to look past death, although she no longer understands the terminology which one defined her existence and is now able to interpret Donne’s poetry from a new perspective with the help of E.M Ashford, as seen in the line “Life, death… It’s a metaphysical conceit. It’s wit!” by Vivian, followed by “It’s not wit, miss Bearing, It’s truth.” Ashford assists Vivian to comprehend the inevitable truth of death, and the situationally ironic statement see’s her previous attempt to camouflage herself with the illusion of intellectuality in order to beat death stripped back to base as she is now able to recognize both the limitations to her intellectuality and her capabilities as a human being. Both composers create a sophisticated, societal critique through which we as viewers are encouraged to question our understanding of the process of death and what it means to be human. DBNP reveals that as humans, we cannot beat, yet should not be afraid of death through apostrophe within a hybridized sonnet whilst WIT show’s us this through alienation effect within a brechtian play. This process contributes to an enhanced understanding of what exactly it means to be human, this being the fact that one cannot beat death, and similar to the way in which Vivian Bearing cannot out wit John Donne.
The idea of intellectuality becoming a barrier preventing redemption presents itself within the poetry of John Donne and has been enhanced by Edson within W;t through emphasizing the ever-present reality of the measuring of a life/soul on the plight for redemption and how this is a universal journey for all of humanity weather it be redemption with God, or redemption with a fellow human. Allusion of the Drake passage within Donne’s Hymn to God is employed with the purpose of revealing his intellectual capability to poets within the society of the time. The line “That this is my south-west discovery,” references his ‘south-west discovery,’ meaning that he must go full-force to reach his redemption, similar to the way in which a boat must go full-force through the drake passage if it wishes to survive. However, his drive to prove himself intellectually becomes a barrier, preventing him from proving himself to God and therefore, preventing his redemption. Vivian faces an almost identical experience, particularly during the final stages of her battle with cancer as she seeks redemption with herself. Currently experiencing a lack of relationships within her life, it becomes evident to that her life had evolved around knowledge and academics rather than people resulting in her great career – but nobody to share it with. It is at this point that Vivian states “I’m scared. Oh God… I’m like a student and this is the final exam and I don’t know what to put down because I don’t understand the question and I’m running out of time.” Here, Vivian’s sincere tone makes clear that her intellectuality has long been a barrier in regards to her relationships and has since become a barrier which stands between herself and redemption, enhancing my understanding of what it means to be human as I come to understand the balance which should exist between intellectuality and other aspects of life in order for one to reach their desired salvation.
Love is a powerful human emotion which has the capability to overcome insensitive states of intellectuality and provide a sense of spiritual fulfillment and has been employed by both Donne and Edson as a means to soften a character which might otherwise remain emotionally void. Within Valediction, Donne highlights a new-found sense of spiritual fulfilment through astronomical conceit “Moving of Earth brings harms… trepidation of the spheres… innocent.” Here, Donne employs Ptolemy’s universe model to depict the power of celestial love on a person and it’s ability to transcend all physical barriers. Through highlighting the importance of emotion on the human state, Donne hereby deepens my understanding of what it means to be human, and this has then been greatly enhanced by Edson’s exploration of a similar situation within the life of Vivian Bearing. Edson depicts that the genuine interaction of Susie with Vivian serves to prevent the medical objectification of Vivian as “a specimen jar.” Consequently, Vivian abandons all sense for heartfelt emotional change as she depicts the impotence of her literary vigor against the torturous medical procedures she must endure. Through the symbolism of the popsicle in conjunction with Susies soothing tone “I know, it hurts. I know, It’s alright,” It is through the love shown to Vivian by Susie that she is then able to break through her intellectual disguise, allowing her to cope with the severity of her situation. This exploration of love within both texts has assisted me to understand that love is a universal human emotion, and one that has the capability to overcome all physical barriers.
Both Donne and Edson explore the limitations of academia on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for freedom. It is through the exploration of these central renaissance values that both authors have depicted the consequences that arise from being human, employing a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response and the enhancement of my understanding regarding what exactly it means to be human.
Post by: bethr on July 07, 2017, 01:14:04 pm
I was wondering if someone could please take a look at my Mod B Speech plans? Specifically, if the quotes work well with my ideas/thesis statements.
Thank you! :)
Post by: pikachu975 on July 09, 2017, 03:07:21 am
Spoiler
Question: The actions of dominant individuals affect the lives of others in society. Evaluate this statement with direct reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom.
The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda.
Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.
The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened") by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society.
In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.
Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society.
Main feedback: Your response requires a more insightful/skilful evaluation of both texts' representation to obtain a higher grade.
Also there was some comments scattered around such as "dialogue from related?" but it was a short film with no speaking.
The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom.
The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda.
Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.
The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened") by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society.
In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.
Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society.
Main feedback: Your response requires a more insightful/skilful evaluation of both texts' representation to obtain a higher grade.
Also there was some comments scattered around such as "dialogue from related?" but it was a short film with no speaking.
Thanks for any help! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 09, 2017, 11:57:53 am
Hi there! I was just hoping to get this module A essay thoroughly marked. I received an 18/20 for it in an in class exam however my teacher is a very easy marker so I would expect it to only be like a 16 in the HSC. I'm willing to consider any and all advice given to help improve it as a base for trials and HSC -- thank you!
Sure thing Chloe! Essay is attached with feedback in bold:
Spoiler
To what extent have the two texts you have studied in this module enhanced your understanding of what it means to be human?
John Donne’s 17th century metaphysical poetry explores the limitations of intellectuality on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for redemption. Nice Thesis, but it does seem just a tad broad. "Limitations of intellectuality on the significance of...," I don't quite follow what you mean there. Perhaps a second clarifying sentence would help? These central renaissance values from within Donne’s sonnets Hymn to God: my God in my Sickness, Death be not proud, and A valediction: Forbidden mourning, are effectively reshaped by Margaret Edson within her 20th century minimalist play W;t (1995) through the inclusion of simmilar extremes to that of Donne, which depict the consequences which arise from being human. Excellent way to bring in the two texts, one reshapes ideas first considered in the other. Excellent. Both Donne and Edson employ a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response, the formation of my own conclusions, and a deepened understanding of what exactly it means to be a human in both the modern era and Donne’s 17th century context. Avoid first person in academic essays - You can express your understanding and YOUR perspective without it, it is your essay so that is implied.
Despite contrasting religious frameworks, the personas’ obsession with using academia in an attempt to overcome the emotional impact of death becomes exceedingly obvious within both texts. I'd rephrase this to say that both composers construct a persona with an obsession with academia etc etc, make it more about the construction. John Donne and Vivian Bearing face death with extensive intellect and vocabulary, although in both cases, the limitations of their academia become obvious. Both personas’ must come to accept the fact that as humans, we are not capable of beating death and must therefore work towards acceptance. The intertextuality of Donne’s sonnets assists Vivian in overcoming her fear of immanent death through the elusive power of renaissance literature. Be careful that you don't focus on the characters experiences - That verges into retell because you aren't considering the themes more broadly, as constructed/conveyed by the composer. Instead, it becomes a character/text focused affair. Avoid this. The line from Death, be not proud, “Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,” addresses death directly, the boldness of which serves to undermine deaths power. Technique? Misinterpreting this, Vivian believes that she can avoid her inevitable death, however, as a human, she is physically unable to survive such intense and dangerous rounds of chemo as seen by not only the physical, but the mental toll effecting who she is. You have slipped into retelling the plot - Careful! Vivian’s extensive intellect does not allow her to look past death, although she no longer understands the terminology which one defined her existence and is now able to interpret Donne’s poetry from a new perspective with the help of E.M Ashford, as seen in the line “Life, death… It’s a metaphysical conceit. It’s wit!” by Vivian, followed by “It’s not wit, miss Bearing, It’s truth.” Be sure you are attaching techniques to your quotes! Ashford assists Vivian to comprehend the inevitable truth of death, and the situationally ironic statement sees her previous attempt to camouflage herself with the illusion of intellectuality in order to beat death stripped back to base as she is now able to recognize both the limitations to her intellectuality and her capabilities as a human being. Bit too much in that sentence there. Both composers create a sophisticated, societal critique through which we as viewers are encouraged to question our understanding of the process of death and what it means to be human. This would have worked really well at the start of the paragraph. DBNP reveals that as humans, we cannot beat, yet should not be afraid of death through apostrophe within a hybridized sonnet whilst WIT show’s us this through alienation effect within a brechtian play. Again, even this is a nice link to text. These would be perfect sentences to kick off the paragraph. This process contributes to an enhanced understanding of what exactly it means to be human, this being the fact that one cannot beat death, and similar to the way in which Vivian Bearing cannot out wit John Donne. The ideas here are fantastic, but this "audience impact" should have been littered throughout your analysis in the paragraph for greatest effectiveness.
The idea of intellectuality becoming a barrier preventing redemption presents itself within the poetry of John Donne and has been enhanced by Edson within W;t through emphasizing the ever-present reality of the measuring of a life/soul on the plight for redemption and how this is a universal journey for all of humanity weather it be redemption with God, or redemption with a fellow human. Too long a sentence - I'd cut it in half! Allusion of the Drake passage within Donne’s Hymn to God is employed with the purpose of revealing his intellectual capability to poets within the society of the time. Nice reference to context, I'd like to see more of this. The line “That this is my south-west discovery,” references his ‘south-west discovery,’ meaning that he must go full-force to reach his redemption, similar to the way in which a boat must go full-force through the drake passage if it wishes to survive. However, his drive to prove himself intellectually becomes a barrier, preventing him from proving himself to God and therefore, preventing his redemption. A little bit on retell here - Avoid discussing what characters experience, think and feel - It should be beyond characters. Vivian faces an almost identical experience, particularly during the final stages of her battle with cancer as she seeks redemption with herself. Retell. Currently experiencing a lack of relationships within her life, it becomes evident to that her life had evolved around knowledge and academics rather than people resulting in her great career – but nobody to share it with. Retell. It is at this point that Vivian states “I’m scared. Oh God… I’m like a student and this is the final exam and I don’t know what to put down because I don’t understand the question and I’m running out of time.” Retell - You are just telling me what the character said, your marker has read the text, they know this! Here, Vivian’s sincere tone makes clear that her intellectuality has long been a barrier in regards to her relationships and has since become a barrier which stands between herself and redemption, enhancing my understanding of what it means to be human as I come to understand the balance which should exist between intellectuality and other aspects of life in order for one to reach their desired salvation. Make sure to have a distinct concluding statement separate to any analysis - And again, avoid personal pronouns :)
Love is a powerful human emotion which has the capability to overcome insensitive states of intellectuality and provide a sense of spiritual fulfillment and has been employed by both Donne and Edson as a means to soften a character which might otherwise remain emotionally void. I feel this would be better split into two sentences, the second one bringing in the two composers. Within Valediction, Donne highlights a new-found sense of spiritual fulfilment through astronomical conceit “Moving of Earth brings harms… trepidation of the spheres… innocent.” Here, Donne employs Ptolemy’s universe model to depict the power of celestial love on a person and it’s ability to transcend all physical barriers. Excellent, you've got a contextual reference here, I'd like to see a more obvious technique though (perhaps say "alludes to Ptolemy's"...) Through highlighting the importance of emotion on the human state, Donne hereby deepens my understanding of what it means to be human, and this has then been greatly enhanced by Edson’s exploration of a similar situation within the life of Vivian Bearing. Avoid saying "my," keep things academic. Edson depicts that the genuine interaction of Susie with Vivian serves to prevent the medical objectification of Vivian as “a specimen jar.” A little bit retell, but the technique is good - What does the medical objectification of the character show the audience about love? Consequently, Vivian abandons all sense for heartfelt emotional change as she depicts the impotence of her literary vigor against the torturous medical procedures she must endure. Retell, see how you are just describing character experiences? Through the symbolism of the popsicle in conjunction with Susies soothing tone “I know, it hurts. I know, It’s alright,” It is through the love shown to Vivian by Susie that she is then able to break through her intellectual disguise, allowing her to cope with the severity of her situation. Be sure that all techniques are attributed to the composer, not a character! This exploration of love within both texts has assisted me to understand that love is a universal human emotion, and one that has the capability to overcome all physical barriers.
Both Donne and Edson explore the limitations of academia on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for freedom. It is through the exploration of these central renaissance values that both authors have depicted the consequences that arise from being human, employing a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response and the enhancement of my understanding regarding what exactly it means to be human.
John Donne’s 17th century metaphysical poetry explores the limitations of intellectuality on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for redemption. Nice Thesis, but it does seem just a tad broad. "Limitations of intellectuality on the significance of...," I don't quite follow what you mean there. Perhaps a second clarifying sentence would help? These central renaissance values from within Donne’s sonnets Hymn to God: my God in my Sickness, Death be not proud, and A valediction: Forbidden mourning, are effectively reshaped by Margaret Edson within her 20th century minimalist play W;t (1995) through the inclusion of simmilar extremes to that of Donne, which depict the consequences which arise from being human. Excellent way to bring in the two texts, one reshapes ideas first considered in the other. Excellent. Both Donne and Edson employ a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response, the formation of my own conclusions, and a deepened understanding of what exactly it means to be a human in both the modern era and Donne’s 17th century context. Avoid first person in academic essays - You can express your understanding and YOUR perspective without it, it is your essay so that is implied.
Despite contrasting religious frameworks, the personas’ obsession with using academia in an attempt to overcome the emotional impact of death becomes exceedingly obvious within both texts. I'd rephrase this to say that both composers construct a persona with an obsession with academia etc etc, make it more about the construction. John Donne and Vivian Bearing face death with extensive intellect and vocabulary, although in both cases, the limitations of their academia become obvious. Both personas’ must come to accept the fact that as humans, we are not capable of beating death and must therefore work towards acceptance. The intertextuality of Donne’s sonnets assists Vivian in overcoming her fear of immanent death through the elusive power of renaissance literature. Be careful that you don't focus on the characters experiences - That verges into retell because you aren't considering the themes more broadly, as constructed/conveyed by the composer. Instead, it becomes a character/text focused affair. Avoid this. The line from Death, be not proud, “Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,” addresses death directly, the boldness of which serves to undermine deaths power. Technique? Misinterpreting this, Vivian believes that she can avoid her inevitable death, however, as a human, she is physically unable to survive such intense and dangerous rounds of chemo as seen by not only the physical, but the mental toll effecting who she is. You have slipped into retelling the plot - Careful! Vivian’s extensive intellect does not allow her to look past death, although she no longer understands the terminology which one defined her existence and is now able to interpret Donne’s poetry from a new perspective with the help of E.M Ashford, as seen in the line “Life, death… It’s a metaphysical conceit. It’s wit!” by Vivian, followed by “It’s not wit, miss Bearing, It’s truth.” Be sure you are attaching techniques to your quotes! Ashford assists Vivian to comprehend the inevitable truth of death, and the situationally ironic statement sees her previous attempt to camouflage herself with the illusion of intellectuality in order to beat death stripped back to base as she is now able to recognize both the limitations to her intellectuality and her capabilities as a human being. Bit too much in that sentence there. Both composers create a sophisticated, societal critique through which we as viewers are encouraged to question our understanding of the process of death and what it means to be human. This would have worked really well at the start of the paragraph. DBNP reveals that as humans, we cannot beat, yet should not be afraid of death through apostrophe within a hybridized sonnet whilst WIT show’s us this through alienation effect within a brechtian play. Again, even this is a nice link to text. These would be perfect sentences to kick off the paragraph. This process contributes to an enhanced understanding of what exactly it means to be human, this being the fact that one cannot beat death, and similar to the way in which Vivian Bearing cannot out wit John Donne. The ideas here are fantastic, but this "audience impact" should have been littered throughout your analysis in the paragraph for greatest effectiveness.
The idea of intellectuality becoming a barrier preventing redemption presents itself within the poetry of John Donne and has been enhanced by Edson within W;t through emphasizing the ever-present reality of the measuring of a life/soul on the plight for redemption and how this is a universal journey for all of humanity weather it be redemption with God, or redemption with a fellow human. Too long a sentence - I'd cut it in half! Allusion of the Drake passage within Donne’s Hymn to God is employed with the purpose of revealing his intellectual capability to poets within the society of the time. Nice reference to context, I'd like to see more of this. The line “That this is my south-west discovery,” references his ‘south-west discovery,’ meaning that he must go full-force to reach his redemption, similar to the way in which a boat must go full-force through the drake passage if it wishes to survive. However, his drive to prove himself intellectually becomes a barrier, preventing him from proving himself to God and therefore, preventing his redemption. A little bit on retell here - Avoid discussing what characters experience, think and feel - It should be beyond characters. Vivian faces an almost identical experience, particularly during the final stages of her battle with cancer as she seeks redemption with herself. Retell. Currently experiencing a lack of relationships within her life, it becomes evident to that her life had evolved around knowledge and academics rather than people resulting in her great career – but nobody to share it with. Retell. It is at this point that Vivian states “I’m scared. Oh God… I’m like a student and this is the final exam and I don’t know what to put down because I don’t understand the question and I’m running out of time.” Retell - You are just telling me what the character said, your marker has read the text, they know this! Here, Vivian’s sincere tone makes clear that her intellectuality has long been a barrier in regards to her relationships and has since become a barrier which stands between herself and redemption, enhancing my understanding of what it means to be human as I come to understand the balance which should exist between intellectuality and other aspects of life in order for one to reach their desired salvation. Make sure to have a distinct concluding statement separate to any analysis - And again, avoid personal pronouns :)
Love is a powerful human emotion which has the capability to overcome insensitive states of intellectuality and provide a sense of spiritual fulfillment and has been employed by both Donne and Edson as a means to soften a character which might otherwise remain emotionally void. I feel this would be better split into two sentences, the second one bringing in the two composers. Within Valediction, Donne highlights a new-found sense of spiritual fulfilment through astronomical conceit “Moving of Earth brings harms… trepidation of the spheres… innocent.” Here, Donne employs Ptolemy’s universe model to depict the power of celestial love on a person and it’s ability to transcend all physical barriers. Excellent, you've got a contextual reference here, I'd like to see a more obvious technique though (perhaps say "alludes to Ptolemy's"...) Through highlighting the importance of emotion on the human state, Donne hereby deepens my understanding of what it means to be human, and this has then been greatly enhanced by Edson’s exploration of a similar situation within the life of Vivian Bearing. Avoid saying "my," keep things academic. Edson depicts that the genuine interaction of Susie with Vivian serves to prevent the medical objectification of Vivian as “a specimen jar.” A little bit retell, but the technique is good - What does the medical objectification of the character show the audience about love? Consequently, Vivian abandons all sense for heartfelt emotional change as she depicts the impotence of her literary vigor against the torturous medical procedures she must endure. Retell, see how you are just describing character experiences? Through the symbolism of the popsicle in conjunction with Susies soothing tone “I know, it hurts. I know, It’s alright,” It is through the love shown to Vivian by Susie that she is then able to break through her intellectual disguise, allowing her to cope with the severity of her situation. Be sure that all techniques are attributed to the composer, not a character! This exploration of love within both texts has assisted me to understand that love is a universal human emotion, and one that has the capability to overcome all physical barriers.
Both Donne and Edson explore the limitations of academia on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for freedom. It is through the exploration of these central renaissance values that both authors have depicted the consequences that arise from being human, employing a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response and the enhancement of my understanding regarding what exactly it means to be human.
My big over-arching comments:
- Fantastic writing style, very easy to follow what your train of thought and a logical progression of ideas. Besides a few sentences that are too long, excellent work there!
- Great concepts that link well to the texts and the question you've been given
- Your analysis is the big thing that needs work - You aren't using many techniques and are instead just sort of explaining what happens to the characters and linking it to the concept. You need to abstract, and say, "Donne uses this technique to portray this concept in this quote." Character focused description, even if everything is done well, is never as effective as more abstract, thematic consideration of the text.
- On a related note, ensure when you do use techniques, they are attributed to the composer. Saying "Susie's sincere tone," is a bit false, because Susie is a construction of the composer. A puppet. Everything is their doing ;D
My comments throughout should cover the rest - I do think it was marked kindly, good on you for noticing that and wanting to improve it! It's a fantastic base that you can develop with some more effective analysis. Great work ;D
Post by: anotherworld2b on July 09, 2017, 04:16:59 pm
I was hoping if someone could give me feedback on whether or not I am fulfilling what my teacher wants in terms of content.
Spoiler
Write an essay in which you discuss the values and attitudes that underpin this excerpt from Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space and the possible readings of that text. Use the ‘syllabus-arrowed’ notes and the ‘reading practices’ notes as a starting point for your discussion; comment on the language features that generate empathy or controversy; and conclude with an indication of whether, on balance, you approve or disapprove of Sagan’s perspective.
Inspired by the image of Voyager 1 on February 14, 1990, the excerpt of Carl Sagan’s book ‘Pale Blue Dot’ can be read as reflective of Sagan’s passionate perspective towards how science can be fantastic and improve our world. Sagan’s academic, proselytising and scientific voice further encapsulates this perspective. It represents the view of avid scientists of the time as being in a state of intrigue and curiosity towards exploring the possibility of extraterrestrial life. In this excerpt Sagan explores various values and attitudes through the clever use of language features. However, the reader may have a resistant reading based on a differing socio-cultural context than Sagan himself.
Paragraph body #1
Discuss the values and attitudes that you believe underpin his perspective with supporting evidence from the text.
In this passage, Carl Sagan tries to underpin his passionate perspective towards how science can be fantastic in improving our world and fuel the thirst for knowledge beyond Earth through his values and attitudes. The pale blue dot described by Sagan represents Earth being ‘too small...sitting in a beam of light’. Sagan’s description of Earth being a pale blue dot underpins his perspective by inciting his readers to be receptive towards his perspective towards the exploration of the unknown by describing The Earth as a ‘very small stage in a vast cosmic arena’. It is significant that, while we see Sagan’s pro- science attitude, he also spends time is exploring the value of humility and a pro humanity attitude. Clearly, the pale blue dot, symbolic of Earth, has practical relevance to the way space research was often valued by Sagan as necessary because of what we could possibly learn and because of the possibility of extraterrestrial life in this extract.
Paragraph body # 2
Discuss the language features used by Sagan in generating empathy and/or controversy with supporting evidence from the text.
In this passage, the author tries to persuade readers that using vast amounts of money on space exploration is justifiable by the fact our lives, history and issues are insignificant when compared to the wide scope of potential space holds. The passage begins by using Earth as the central element of discussion in the extract. The passage uses the metaphor ‘The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena’ to enhance the reader's sense of isolation to what is being described and uses inclusive language - our tiny world - to create a sense of insignificance in the reader towards being on a tiny planet called Earth and lacking knowledge of what lies within space. The focus on our insignificance continues with the use of sarcasm ‘as if there were some special significance to this small world’. The figurative language ‘ a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam’ is then used to further suggest the Earth’s relative insignificance, a theme developed throughout the piece. Having created a sense of insignificance and isolation amidst the vast galaxy, the passage then portrays space exploration in a positive light for what it reveals about our own world. The description of ‘astronomy’ being ‘a humbling and character-building experience’ is then used to suggest to the reader that space exploration is the best way to curb our sense of loneliness and insignificance by satisfying the craving for knowledge of the vast unknown. This makes space exploration seem inviting and exciting, generating empathy towards Sagan’s perspective. Thus the passage encourages its readers to feel a sense of receptiveness towards Sagan’s perspective towards space exploration being more valuable than our lives, history and issues.
Paragraph body #3
Discuss one alternative reading a reader can make of this text; such as a reading based on a historical/socio-cultural context or a reading based on religion or religious groups.
Published in 1994, American author and science communicator Carl Sagan’s ‘Pale blue Dot’ can be read as a scientist’s endeavour to encourage support towards space exploration. The text was created in an era of space exploration, an era when space exploration had its hits and misses, when some were questioning various countries’ involvement in space exploration when money could have been re-directed to social issues like poverty, employment and education. Derived from this a resistant reading might be that the vast amounts of money spent on space exploration could help eradicate hunger and suffering here on Earth. Space research is often valued as necessary because of what we learn and because of the possibility of other life out there. All indications so far, however, suggest that there is nothing like human or animal life out there, so where is the justification for the continuing expenditure? Furthermore, an alternative reading of ‘Pale blue dot’ can be seen as sad by the fact billions would need to be spent on space research while thousands of people are suffering from poverty. A starving peasant does not need a photo from Saturn to be reminded that poverty is an issue on Earth. It instead confronts them with the government’s grandeur expenditure on needless things like space exploration rather than pressing issues on Earth. Thus an alternative reading a reader can make of this extract is that space exploration is not necessary and in a sense redundant when thousands of people are suffering from poverty and hunger on Earth.
Inspired by the image of Voyager 1 on February 14, 1990, the excerpt of Carl Sagan’s book ‘Pale Blue Dot’ can be read as reflective of Sagan’s passionate perspective towards how science can be fantastic and improve our world. Sagan’s academic, proselytising and scientific voice further encapsulates this perspective. It represents the view of avid scientists of the time as being in a state of intrigue and curiosity towards exploring the possibility of extraterrestrial life. In this excerpt Sagan explores various values and attitudes through the clever use of language features. However, the reader may have a resistant reading based on a differing socio-cultural context than Sagan himself.
Paragraph body #1
Discuss the values and attitudes that you believe underpin his perspective with supporting evidence from the text.
In this passage, Carl Sagan tries to underpin his passionate perspective towards how science can be fantastic in improving our world and fuel the thirst for knowledge beyond Earth through his values and attitudes. The pale blue dot described by Sagan represents Earth being ‘too small...sitting in a beam of light’. Sagan’s description of Earth being a pale blue dot underpins his perspective by inciting his readers to be receptive towards his perspective towards the exploration of the unknown by describing The Earth as a ‘very small stage in a vast cosmic arena’. It is significant that, while we see Sagan’s pro- science attitude, he also spends time is exploring the value of humility and a pro humanity attitude. Clearly, the pale blue dot, symbolic of Earth, has practical relevance to the way space research was often valued by Sagan as necessary because of what we could possibly learn and because of the possibility of extraterrestrial life in this extract.
Paragraph body # 2
Discuss the language features used by Sagan in generating empathy and/or controversy with supporting evidence from the text.
In this passage, the author tries to persuade readers that using vast amounts of money on space exploration is justifiable by the fact our lives, history and issues are insignificant when compared to the wide scope of potential space holds. The passage begins by using Earth as the central element of discussion in the extract. The passage uses the metaphor ‘The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena’ to enhance the reader's sense of isolation to what is being described and uses inclusive language - our tiny world - to create a sense of insignificance in the reader towards being on a tiny planet called Earth and lacking knowledge of what lies within space. The focus on our insignificance continues with the use of sarcasm ‘as if there were some special significance to this small world’. The figurative language ‘ a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam’ is then used to further suggest the Earth’s relative insignificance, a theme developed throughout the piece. Having created a sense of insignificance and isolation amidst the vast galaxy, the passage then portrays space exploration in a positive light for what it reveals about our own world. The description of ‘astronomy’ being ‘a humbling and character-building experience’ is then used to suggest to the reader that space exploration is the best way to curb our sense of loneliness and insignificance by satisfying the craving for knowledge of the vast unknown. This makes space exploration seem inviting and exciting, generating empathy towards Sagan’s perspective. Thus the passage encourages its readers to feel a sense of receptiveness towards Sagan’s perspective towards space exploration being more valuable than our lives, history and issues.
Paragraph body #3
Discuss one alternative reading a reader can make of this text; such as a reading based on a historical/socio-cultural context or a reading based on religion or religious groups.
Published in 1994, American author and science communicator Carl Sagan’s ‘Pale blue Dot’ can be read as a scientist’s endeavour to encourage support towards space exploration. The text was created in an era of space exploration, an era when space exploration had its hits and misses, when some were questioning various countries’ involvement in space exploration when money could have been re-directed to social issues like poverty, employment and education. Derived from this a resistant reading might be that the vast amounts of money spent on space exploration could help eradicate hunger and suffering here on Earth. Space research is often valued as necessary because of what we learn and because of the possibility of other life out there. All indications so far, however, suggest that there is nothing like human or animal life out there, so where is the justification for the continuing expenditure? Furthermore, an alternative reading of ‘Pale blue dot’ can be seen as sad by the fact billions would need to be spent on space research while thousands of people are suffering from poverty. A starving peasant does not need a photo from Saturn to be reminded that poverty is an issue on Earth. It instead confronts them with the government’s grandeur expenditure on needless things like space exploration rather than pressing issues on Earth. Thus an alternative reading a reader can make of this extract is that space exploration is not necessary and in a sense redundant when thousands of people are suffering from poverty and hunger on Earth.
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on July 10, 2017, 04:11:22 pm
Post by: otto.khoo on July 10, 2017, 04:43:57 pm
Spoiler
Module A: Intertextual Perspectives
The Prince by Machiavelli and Julius Caesar by Shakespeare
Texts are significantly influenced by the political backdrop and social context in which they are produced. Through the manipulation of textual forms and devices, writers are enabled to endorse, and impress upon a reader their political ideologies and outlook on the world in which they live. A comparative reading of two texts whose values arise from disparate contexts, leads us to an understanding of not only how societies and their values change overtime, but also how they have remained the same. Both Machiavelli’s political treatise The Prince (1513) and Shakespeare’s dramatic tragedy Julius Caesar (1599) delve into the capillaries of power, examining the means in which political leaders of their time have come to the throne – through bloodthirsty violence and blatant manipulation of the populace.
Those who seek power are predestined to be conflicted between personal ambition and moral integrity. Written at the end of Queen Elizabeth’s reign, Julius Caesar can be seen as an examination of late Elizabethan society, through the context of the 44BC Roman Republic. Having produced no heirs, the populace feared that the death of Queen Elizabeth would spark political chaos and war. Caesar, portrayed as a “fierce fiery warrior” - conjures up Elizabeth’s reputation as being strong and courageous. Yet Shakespeare also acknowledges that regardless of Elizabeth’s likeability, even she came to power through violent means. Like Caesar who rose “in triumph over Pompey’s blood”, Elizabeth had her archrival Mary, Queen of Scots imprisoned and executed. In drawing these similarities, Shakespeare demonstrates the universal, perennial nature of his concerns that can be applied to any context; those who seek power have to compromise their sense of love, compassion and morality.
This moral dilemma is also demonstrated through the character of Brutus, who is morally conflicted by acting in the name of honour and murdering his best friend. Shakespeare uses a soliloquy to delve into Brutus’ fractured psyche, writing “Poor Brutus” is “with himself at war”. Shakespeare’s use of illeism, and the metaphorical abstraction of Brutus’s inner conflict as a war, subverts the nature of the potential violence that Brutus intends to inflict, instead sympathising an audience with the war occurring within. At the funeral oration, Antony declares that Brutus was indeed “an honourable man” who truly believed he was acting in the public’s best interest. However, through the anaphoric repetition of the line “Brutus was an honourable man”, and expressions of sorrow for Caesar, Antony’s speech has a paradoxical effect in turning the masses against Brutus. When the desire for honour and pursuit of ambition overrides an individual’s sense of love, compassion and morality, it becomes self- defeating, to the point of becoming a fatal flaw.
While Shakespeare’s play provides a cautionary tale for the common man about the consequences of pursuing ambition, The Prince appears in contrast to be a chillingly pragmatic instruction manual for despots. Despite both being products of Renaissance thinking, these variances were largely due to their contrasting audiences and contexts. Having been dismissed from parliament, Machiavelli wrote The Prince as a way of winning favour from the Medici family, the main political forces in Florence, by impressing them with his political insight. In the opening letter, he instructs Medici to first and foremost “follow in the footsteps of great men”, by aiming high in order to “reach their target”. Using authoritative, simple language and the metaphor of an archer, Machiavelli sets up the didactic tone of the treatise, which contrasts with the text’s confronting endorsement of immoral behaviour. Machiavelli comes to the realisation that although leaders and politics were meant to be virtuous, and serve the populace, this was rarely the situation. Coming to the realisation that “how we live is so different from how we ought to live”, Machiavelli shares Shakespeare’s insight into the discord of politics and morality. However, unlike Shakespeare, The Prince appears instead, to promote lying, scheming and killing in order to achieve pragmatic political ends - stating outright that for a leader “It is Better To Be Feared Than Loved”.
Machiavelli demonstrates the vitality of cruelty in governing a state, through references to Cesare Borgia, who he deems an effective leader. Borgia was considered cruel and tyrannous, which allowed him to reconcile the Romagna, unify it, and restore it to peace and loyalty. Machiavelli saw violence and cruelty as a necessary precaution for unforeseeable circumstances outlining that “Fortune is a woman and it is necessary to beat and coerce her”. Through this metaphorical analogy to the forceful treatment of women, Machiavelli highlights the necessity of being tyrannous in obtaining power. In The Prince, Machiavelli profiles Cesare Borgia, to show how ultimately tyrannous ruling prevails beyond all idealistic measures In contrast, Shakespeare critiques the bloodthirsty nature of power, presenting a character who’s fallen from grace, due to his loss of morality. Both writers share insights into the nature of power, they differ markedly in the conclusions that they draw from the same.
The Prince by Machiavelli and Julius Caesar by Shakespeare
Texts are significantly influenced by the political backdrop and social context in which they are produced. Through the manipulation of textual forms and devices, writers are enabled to endorse, and impress upon a reader their political ideologies and outlook on the world in which they live. A comparative reading of two texts whose values arise from disparate contexts, leads us to an understanding of not only how societies and their values change overtime, but also how they have remained the same. Both Machiavelli’s political treatise The Prince (1513) and Shakespeare’s dramatic tragedy Julius Caesar (1599) delve into the capillaries of power, examining the means in which political leaders of their time have come to the throne – through bloodthirsty violence and blatant manipulation of the populace.
Those who seek power are predestined to be conflicted between personal ambition and moral integrity. Written at the end of Queen Elizabeth’s reign, Julius Caesar can be seen as an examination of late Elizabethan society, through the context of the 44BC Roman Republic. Having produced no heirs, the populace feared that the death of Queen Elizabeth would spark political chaos and war. Caesar, portrayed as a “fierce fiery warrior” - conjures up Elizabeth’s reputation as being strong and courageous. Yet Shakespeare also acknowledges that regardless of Elizabeth’s likeability, even she came to power through violent means. Like Caesar who rose “in triumph over Pompey’s blood”, Elizabeth had her archrival Mary, Queen of Scots imprisoned and executed. In drawing these similarities, Shakespeare demonstrates the universal, perennial nature of his concerns that can be applied to any context; those who seek power have to compromise their sense of love, compassion and morality.
This moral dilemma is also demonstrated through the character of Brutus, who is morally conflicted by acting in the name of honour and murdering his best friend. Shakespeare uses a soliloquy to delve into Brutus’ fractured psyche, writing “Poor Brutus” is “with himself at war”. Shakespeare’s use of illeism, and the metaphorical abstraction of Brutus’s inner conflict as a war, subverts the nature of the potential violence that Brutus intends to inflict, instead sympathising an audience with the war occurring within. At the funeral oration, Antony declares that Brutus was indeed “an honourable man” who truly believed he was acting in the public’s best interest. However, through the anaphoric repetition of the line “Brutus was an honourable man”, and expressions of sorrow for Caesar, Antony’s speech has a paradoxical effect in turning the masses against Brutus. When the desire for honour and pursuit of ambition overrides an individual’s sense of love, compassion and morality, it becomes self- defeating, to the point of becoming a fatal flaw.
While Shakespeare’s play provides a cautionary tale for the common man about the consequences of pursuing ambition, The Prince appears in contrast to be a chillingly pragmatic instruction manual for despots. Despite both being products of Renaissance thinking, these variances were largely due to their contrasting audiences and contexts. Having been dismissed from parliament, Machiavelli wrote The Prince as a way of winning favour from the Medici family, the main political forces in Florence, by impressing them with his political insight. In the opening letter, he instructs Medici to first and foremost “follow in the footsteps of great men”, by aiming high in order to “reach their target”. Using authoritative, simple language and the metaphor of an archer, Machiavelli sets up the didactic tone of the treatise, which contrasts with the text’s confronting endorsement of immoral behaviour. Machiavelli comes to the realisation that although leaders and politics were meant to be virtuous, and serve the populace, this was rarely the situation. Coming to the realisation that “how we live is so different from how we ought to live”, Machiavelli shares Shakespeare’s insight into the discord of politics and morality. However, unlike Shakespeare, The Prince appears instead, to promote lying, scheming and killing in order to achieve pragmatic political ends - stating outright that for a leader “It is Better To Be Feared Than Loved”.
Machiavelli demonstrates the vitality of cruelty in governing a state, through references to Cesare Borgia, who he deems an effective leader. Borgia was considered cruel and tyrannous, which allowed him to reconcile the Romagna, unify it, and restore it to peace and loyalty. Machiavelli saw violence and cruelty as a necessary precaution for unforeseeable circumstances outlining that “Fortune is a woman and it is necessary to beat and coerce her”. Through this metaphorical analogy to the forceful treatment of women, Machiavelli highlights the necessity of being tyrannous in obtaining power. In The Prince, Machiavelli profiles Cesare Borgia, to show how ultimately tyrannous ruling prevails beyond all idealistic measures In contrast, Shakespeare critiques the bloodthirsty nature of power, presenting a character who’s fallen from grace, due to his loss of morality. Both writers share insights into the nature of power, they differ markedly in the conclusions that they draw from the same.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Post by: otto.khoo on July 10, 2017, 04:46:19 pm
Module B: Critical Study of Texts
In the Skin of a Lion by Michael Ondaatje
The methods by which ideas are conveyed can perform both a complementary and emulative role to the idea itself, in the representation of key values and perspectives. In works that display textual integrity, form, structure and language are inextricably linked, working in unison to convey meaning to an audience. Ondaatje’s post- colonial novel In the Skin of a Lion (1987) uses the power of storytelling to tell the untold stories of the immigrants who were integral to the construction of industrialised Toronto in the early 20th century. His poetic control of language, metafictional use of archival evidence and deceptive fragmentary structure creates a desire within the reader to search for coherence and interpret their own meaning of the text. By steering his audience away from a singular unified perspective, Ondaatje engages readers to think critically, achieving a strong and intensely personal impact – thus exhibiting textual integrity.
Ondaatje’s postmodern, metafictional style of writing, not only motivates an active engagement with his audience, but also simulates the constructed nature of history. Ondaatje argues that official history often fails to recognise the oppressed and the marginalised – those who survive on the outskirts of society are remarkably absent from the grand narrative. The novel seeks to provide an alternative, multi- faceted view of the world rehabilitating the forgotten voices - a counter history. Embracing cubist principles, Ondaatje cradles a plethora of perspectives in the creation of meaning. Quoting John Berger in the foreword, “Never again will a story be told as though it were the only one”; Ondaatje’s novel promotes critical thinking beyond the conventional, the mainstream, and the unified. He reaffirms that “there is order”, but it is “very faint, very human” – suggesting the audience’s active role as not only reader, but also responder, in the conjecture of meaning.
This process of finding order is also suggested in the text’s structure that uses a framing narrative, taking the form of a story “a young girl gathers in a car during the early hours of the morning”. The text’s non-linearity and frequent digression from the plot represent an individual’s piecing together of memories - as if a jigsaw. However, the fragmentary structure can also be interpreted as a demonstration of the constructed nature of history, and the notion of society as being mediated. Ondaatje refers to the process of photography as a microcosm for history: “In a tunnel under Lake Ontario, two men shake hands on an incline of mud / For a moment while the film receives the image, everything is still, the other tunnel workers silent. Then Arthur Goss, the city photographer packs up his tripod and glass plates, unhooks the cord of lights / and climbs out into sunlight.” Posing, artificial lighting and an official “photographer”, are all parts of the official documentation process that interfere with perceptions of reality. In the same way that a photo is staged, Ondaatje argues that history is moderated to provide a singular viewpoint and leave out all others. Through the consideration of structure and language, Ondaatje deconstructs the oppressive nature of society and history, embracing humanity and constructing an alternate version of history.
Ondaatje also manipulates form and language to demonstrate the dichotomy of capitalist leaders and lower class labourers. The repeated metonym “the rich and the starving” highlights the significant divide between the two classes - starving being “synonymous” for poor. As critic Lee Spinks mentions “The immigrant body too often finds itself excluded from the space of the culture that it helped make possible” -separated by barriers of language, culture and wealth. Ondaatje acknowledges the anonymity and segregation of the immigration from society, through the literal dehumanisation of the labourers: “A man is an extension of hammer, drill, flame”. Through the cumulative listing of various tools, Ondaatje creates a nightmarish vision of powerless men who have been lost within the scale and scope of the project, and have transformed into parts of the infrastructure itself. He describes their brutal and unhygienic working conditions, “pissing where they work, eating where someone else left shit”- emphasizing how they’ve been stripped of all dignity and humanity.
However Ondaatje also illustrates the beauty, and selfless nature of their work. He profiles characters such as Patrick, who has grown up feeling isolated from society, and Nicholas Temelcoff who “performs the most dangerous work” and is “happiest at daily chores”. Through the analogy, “He [Temelcoff] knows his position in the air as if he is mercury slipping across a map,” Ondaatje forms a graceful and selfless depiction of a man who has been exploited because of language. Temelcoff’s character starkly contrasts with the antagonist Commissioner Harris, who he observes wears an “expensive tweed coat costs more than the worker’s monthly salaries combined”. Paying the workers as little as a dollar, Harris receives all the recognition for building infrastructures such as a the Bloor Street Viaduct and the Palace of Purification. Based upon real town projects, Ondaatje sought out Toronto’s archives for inspiration for his novel only to find large gaps in the historical records. He professes: “The articles and illustrations found in the Riverdale Library depicted every detail about the soil, the wood, the weight of concrete, everything but information on those who actually built the bridge”. Ondaatje seeks to fill in these gaps, populating the novel with fictional figures and stories, giving a voice to the thousands of immigrant workers who weren’t previously permitted one. Through the metafictional references to authentic historical events, Ondaatje spurs audiences to come to their own realisation about the gaps in the documentation and challenge their perceptions of history.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 10, 2017, 10:04:37 pm
Hi there, is essay writing the best way to practice for the English trials exams, and my biggest weakness is short answers at the moment i also love some tips on how to perform well for short answers thanks.
Hey! I would say essay writing is definitely best for preparing for English exams, nothing beats practice! ;D
Short answers is a tricky one - Again, practice is the best way to prepare!! Check out this link for a bunch of Trial papers, I'd be writing sample responses and getting feedback on how to improve! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 10, 2017, 10:07:30 pm
This is my Module B Essay- would appreciate some feedback :)
Hey Otto! Thanks for posting your essay, our essay marking rules require you to have 25 posts per response you'd like marked, just to make sure the markers can keep up. If you hang around the site for a while that will build up in no time! ;D
Post by: pikachu975 on July 11, 2017, 01:27:53 am
Hi, we had an essay question for mod C in our trial and I got 16/20, just wondering where to improve based on the feedback which will be written at the end.SpoilerQuestion: The actions of dominant individuals affect the lives of others in society. Evaluate this statement with direct reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom.
The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda.
Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.
The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened") by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society.
In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.
Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society.
Main feedback: Your response requires a more insightful/skilful evaluation of both texts' representation to obtain a higher grade.
Also there was some comments scattered around such as "dialogue from related?" but it was a short film with no speaking.
Thanks for any help! :)
Sorry if this has been seen, but just going to bump it in case it's been missed, thanks again!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 11, 2017, 07:36:32 am
Sorry if this has been seen, but just going to bump it in case it's been missed, thanks again!
It has been seen :) expect a bit of a delay with the lectures on this week! :)
Post by: pikachu975 on July 11, 2017, 04:02:06 pm
It has been seen :) expect a bit of a delay with the lectures on this week! :)
Thanks! I know this is off topic but are you guys selling MX2 topic tests and will they run out before friday? Thanks! :D
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 12, 2017, 05:36:24 pm
Thanks! I know this is off topic but are you guys selling MX2 topic tests and will they run out before friday? Thanks! :D
Yes we are, and yes they will be available :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on July 14, 2017, 01:20:47 pm
Hi I've been trying to write a draft for a discursive essay. I tried to include what my teacher wanted to see in each paragraph.
I was hoping if someone could give me feedback on whether or not I am fulfilling what my teacher wants in terms of content.SpoilerWrite an essay in which you discuss the values and attitudes that underpin this excerpt from Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space and the possible readings of that text. Use the ‘syllabus-arrowed’ notes and the ‘reading practices’ notes as a starting point for your discussion; comment on the language features that generate empathy or controversy; and conclude with an indication of whether, on balance, you approve or disapprove of Sagan’s perspective.
Inspired by the image of Voyager 1 on February 14, 1990, the excerpt of Carl Sagan’s book ‘Pale Blue Dot’ can be read as reflective of Sagan’s passionate perspective towards how science can be fantastic and improve our world. Sagan’s academic, proselytising and scientific voice further encapsulates this perspective. It represents the view of avid scientists of the time as being in a state of intrigue and curiosity towards exploring the possibility of extraterrestrial life. In this excerpt Sagan explores various values and attitudes through the clever use of language features. However, the reader may have a resistant reading based on a differing socio-cultural context than Sagan himself.
Paragraph body #1
Discuss the values and attitudes that you believe underpin his perspective with supporting evidence from the text.
In this passage, Carl Sagan tries to underpin his passionate perspective towards how science can be fantastic in improving our world and fuel the thirst for knowledge beyond Earth through his values and attitudes. The pale blue dot described by Sagan represents Earth being ‘too small...sitting in a beam of light’. Sagan’s description of Earth being a pale blue dot underpins his perspective by inciting his readers to be receptive towards his perspective towards the exploration of the unknown by describing The Earth as a ‘very small stage in a vast cosmic arena’. It is significant that, while we see Sagan’s pro- science attitude, he also spends time is exploring the value of humility and a pro humanity attitude. Clearly, the pale blue dot, symbolic of Earth, has practical relevance to the way space research was often valued by Sagan as necessary because of what we could possibly learn and because of the possibility of extraterrestrial life in this extract.
Paragraph body # 2
Discuss the language features used by Sagan in generating empathy and/or controversy with supporting evidence from the text.
In this passage, the author tries to persuade readers that using vast amounts of money on space exploration is justifiable by the fact our lives, history and issues are insignificant when compared to the wide scope of potential space holds. The passage begins by using Earth as the central element of discussion in the extract. The passage uses the metaphor ‘The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena’ to enhance the reader's sense of isolation to what is being described and uses inclusive language - our tiny world - to create a sense of insignificance in the reader towards being on a tiny planet called Earth and lacking knowledge of what lies within space. The focus on our insignificance continues with the use of sarcasm ‘as if there were some special significance to this small world’. The figurative language ‘ a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam’ is then used to further suggest the Earth’s relative insignificance, a theme developed throughout the piece. Having created a sense of insignificance and isolation amidst the vast galaxy, the passage then portrays space exploration in a positive light for what it reveals about our own world. The description of ‘astronomy’ being ‘a humbling and character-building experience’ is then used to suggest to the reader that space exploration is the best way to curb our sense of loneliness and insignificance by satisfying the craving for knowledge of the vast unknown. This makes space exploration seem inviting and exciting, generating empathy towards Sagan’s perspective. Thus the passage encourages its readers to feel a sense of receptiveness towards Sagan’s perspective towards space exploration being more valuable than our lives, history and issues.
Paragraph body #3
Discuss one alternative reading a reader can make of this text; such as a reading based on a historical/socio-cultural context or a reading based on religion or religious groups.
Published in 1994, American author and science communicator Carl Sagan’s ‘Pale blue Dot’ can be read as a scientist’s endeavour to encourage support towards space exploration. The text was created in an era of space exploration, an era when space exploration had its hits and misses, when some were questioning various countries’ involvement in space exploration when money could have been re-directed to social issues like poverty, employment and education. Derived from this a resistant reading might be that the vast amounts of money spent on space exploration could help eradicate hunger and suffering here on Earth. Space research is often valued as necessary because of what we learn and because of the possibility of other life out there. All indications so far, however, suggest that there is nothing like human or animal life out there, so where is the justification for the continuing expenditure? Furthermore, an alternative reading of ‘Pale blue dot’ can be seen as sad by the fact billions would need to be spent on space research while thousands of people are suffering from poverty. A starving peasant does not need a photo from Saturn to be reminded that poverty is an issue on Earth. It instead confronts them with the government’s grandeur expenditure on needless things like space exploration rather than pressing issues on Earth. Thus an alternative reading a reader can make of this extract is that space exploration is not necessary and in a sense redundant when thousands of people are suffering from poverty and hunger on Earth.
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 14, 2017, 03:16:39 pm
Sorry if this has been seen. I just wanted to check if it has been noticed :)
So sorry for the delay anotherworld - we've been running our free lectures this week so we are behind on the marking front. I expect we'll get to this by the end of the weekend. I'm just trying to respond to as many of the smaller questions as I can now so that we can attack the essays! :)
Post by: pikachu975 on July 14, 2017, 05:26:04 pm
So sorry for the delay anotherworld - we've been running our free lectures this week so we are behind on the marking front. I expect we'll get to this by the end of the weekend. I'm just trying to respond to as many of the smaller questions as I can now so that we can attack the essays! :)
All good, the lectures were pretty useful. Went to english only but it helped heaps, they should teach this stuff at school!!
Post by: anotherworld2b on July 14, 2017, 05:31:31 pm
So sorry for the delay anotherworld - we've been running our free lectures this week so we are behind on the marking front. I expect we'll get to this by the end of the weekend. I'm just trying to respond to as many of the smaller questions as I can now so that we can attack the essays! :)
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on July 14, 2017, 07:03:38 pm
Post by: Arib on July 14, 2017, 08:18:32 pm
For a speech to have an impact it must be passionate and present insightful ideas. In order to achieve this impact, the destructive consequences of injustice must be highlighted. This ideology is inherent in Anwar Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset (1977) in which he attempts to establish unity between Egypt and Israel by promoting peace and justice. Sadat relies heavily on religious allusions and emotive language to develop a commonality within the audience and achieve his main purpose of establishing peace whilst devaluing war. Paul Keating’s Redfern Park Address (1992) also adheres to a concept of unity by launching the International Year of the World’s Indigenous People. He acknowledges the wrong doings of the non-Indigenous Australians and attempts to persuade all Australians to support and participate in reconciliation. Through the employment of rhetoric, both orators are able to engage their respective audiences and deliver insightful and passionate responses.
Effective speeches use inclusive rhetoric to resonate the orators’ requests for ceasing conflict in their contexts. Sadat’s speech is successful in encouraging the end to the wars in the Middle East by powerfully impelling his audience to cease the endless tension of the “Arab-Israeli conflict”. The adverse consequences of this conflict are symbolised by the recurring metaphor in, “And yet a wall remained, a psychological barrier.” This metonymy induces pathos in the Israeli Knesset to overcome the metaphorical ‘barrier’ of the religious conflict and “shape a new life and establish peace”. Sadat’s perspective is further demonstrated in the line, “For the sake of them all, for the safeguard of the lives of all our sons and brothers…” The inclusive pronoun ‘our’ depicts how the injustices caused by the conflict between the two nations impacts adversely on both sides. Furthermore, “the battle of permanent peace based on justice” figuratively resembles Sadat’s untainted ambition to resolve the Arab-Israeli conflict, adhering to ethos to resonate his advocacy for ‘justice’ to the modern world. Through the use of rhetoric, Sadat passionately requests for the recognition of the injustices triggered by war and conflict.
Similarly, Keating employs rhetoric to expose the injustice faced by the Aboriginal People of Australia. He begins his speech by mentioning a “test” regarding the full recognition of the Indigenous people, and the speech is built on this extended metaphor as he conveys how Australians “have always failed”. The idiomatic simplicity of this metaphor resonates with a diverse audience, igniting a sense of inherent failure within them. The high modality of “always” makes the failure more distressing and further reinforces the need to pass this ‘test’ and achieve fair recognition of the suffering that Indigenous people have withstood. Keating uses the word “imagine” as an anaphoric imperative; “Imagine if we had resisted…Imagine if we had suffered the injustice and were blamed for it”. This implicit appeal to pathos conveys the Aboriginal experience while causing his non-Indigenous audience to reflect on the injustices faced by these people, and thus sympathise with them. Therefore, both orators utilise various language features and rhetoric to illuminate the injustices faced in their contexts; thereby, showing that speeches are passionate and insightful responses to conflict and suffering.
Outstanding orators address the exigencies present at the time but also provide resolutions for these issues. Sadat demonstrates the need for peace and justice and also creates a pathway leading to that outcome. The speech begins with “In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful”. By calling upon the mercy of God to support his mission for peace, Sadat appeals to a high authority recognised by both the Israelis as well as the Egyptians, thus unifying them from the instigation of his speech. He states, with passion, “we all, Muslims, Christians and Jews, worship God and no one but one God” bringing into focus what unites the three parties; their humanity and their faith. The repetition of ‘God’ and the inclusive pronoun reaffirms the oneness of God and allows Sadat to effectively appeal to logos. He recites a quote from the Quran, “We believe in God and we make no distinction between them.” The anaphora of the inclusive pronoun ‘we’ fortifies his belief that the inherent conflict could only be resolved by unification. Thus, it is clear that the exigency of unity has shaped Sadat’s central idea of “peace based on justice”, therefore displaying the passion involved in the presentation of this speech.
Similarly, Keating addresses the injustices faced by the Aboriginal people and also provides a coherent resolution to the issues. The speech converges to the second ‘section’, where Keating provides a trail for the audience to follow in order to achieve national reconciliation. He makes use of an optimistic and anecdotal tone in, “…Australians of the 1960s imagined a culturally diverse, worldly and open Australia, and in a generation turned the idea into reality, so we can turn the goals of reconciliation into reality”, to provide his vastly Aboriginal audience with hope of reconciliation and the recognition of their culture. Keating further adds, “the process has already begun.” Through political jargon such as, “Reconciliation Council…establishment of the ATSIC” he is able to present himself as a person with great integrity, allowing him to further connect with his audience. Thus, both speakers introduce exigencies present at their times as well as specific resolutions to end the injustices faced by the people. Thereby, showing the level of passion and insightfulness contained in the speeches.
In summation, both Anwar Sadat’s “Statement to the Israeli Knesset” and Paul Keating’s “Redfern Park Address” employ rhetoric and language features to address the injustices and attempt to facilitate a change within their respective contexts. Hence, speeches are works that require passionate delivery and insightful ideas to resonate in the modern world.
I really want to add critic commentary in my essay but max I can write is 1000 words in 40 min so can u suggest how I can add these comments?!
Sadat: -“Unlike so many of his brother Arab leaders, he was willing to ignore past Arab-Israeli hatreds. Unlike them all, he was daring enough to do what had been unthinkable in the anguished world of Arab politics - to extend the hand of peace to the Israeli foe.” – NY times. Shows his passion for the oration has been recognised by the audience.
Keating - “especially brilliant oratorical moment, especially given the context in which it was performed.” – Tom Clark (CTV News) shows it has resonated over time and still applauded today.
Post by: savannahhughes00 on July 16, 2017, 11:56:47 am
I haven't been on the forum before so sorry if I'm not doing this right... I've pasted in my Mod B essay below, any feedback would be amazing x
In the exploration of political relationships, both Machiavelli’s (1532) The Prince and William Shakespeare’s 16th century play Julius Caesar invite audiences to question the connection between private morality and effective leadership as the basis of leaders’ views are uncovered in tense political circumstances. Whilst The Prince stands as a treatise to Lorenzo Di Medici as he aims to redirect the warring Italian Peninsula, Julius Caesar responds to political instability following multiple assassination attempts of heirless Queen Elizabeth I, in its representation of of human conflict. Human nature is explored through political relationships; as Brutus refuses to come to terms with Machiavellian leadership in seeking Rome’s best interests, and Antony effectively employs such leadership in creating a perceived sense of morality in his manipulation of both Brutus and the public. In this, both texts consider the connection between morality and effective political leadership by providing insight into a range of political relationships.
The Prince questions the strategic benefits of morality to the acquisition of power, guided by his personal relationships and overall view of human nature. Machiavelli articulates this in saying “if you want to play the good man in a world where most people are not good, you’ll end up badly.”, his political standpoint prompted by the standpoint of the public in his pragmatic approach. He furthers this notion in his doubts of society’s morality, describing people as “ungrateful” and “unreliable”, again taking cues from the morality of society in sharing “since they are a sad lot and won’t be keeping their promises to you, you hardly need to keep yours to them.”. This cynical outlook largely directs his political standpoint as he does not prioritize morality. He defends this notion with contextual examples, as “Pope Alexander VI never did anything but con people…yet his deceptions always worked, because he knew this side of human nature.” Not only does Machiavelli reflect society’s lack of morality, but takes confidence in the success of other leaders in their understanding of the imperfection of human nature. Thus, The Prince questions the role of morality in political situations, grounded on Machiavelli’s personal relationships and experience with human nature.
Disregarding Machiavellian ideals, Brutus adopts a moralistic standpoint through his relentless pursuit for an honourable relationship with the people of Rome, in a situation where pragmatics are required. He establishes himself in saying “I love/The name of honour more than I fear death”, highlighting that every action he takes is motivated by the “greater good” of Rome. Foreseeing the threat that Caesar’s ambition poses to this good in his soliloquy “it is the bright day that bring forth the adder”, he comes to be “with himself at war”, struggling to be honourable in both his relationship with Caesar and his relationship with the public. Following the suggestions of Machiavelli, he not only foresees but forestalls this problem in deciding protecting Rome “must be by (Caesar’s) death”. In this it becomes apparent that Brutus sees the act not as an assassination, but a necessary and honourable act for the good of Rome. Still struggling with the idea of killing his close friend for a common good, he urges the conspirators to be “sacrificers, but not butchers”, in carving “him as a dish fit for the gods”. This is epitomised as he declares to the public “ambitions debt is paid”, reinforcing the honour of his actions not only to the people of Rome, but to himself. In this it becomes apparent that Brutus is a character motivated by honour, seen both in his relationships with Caesar and the people, as he struggles to honour both in conflicting circumstances.
Unlike Brutus, Machiavelli holds a lack of faith in human nature, which he meets with shrewd leadership, largely disregarding morality in his exploitation of the public in order to consolidate power. He understands that politics cannot be governed by ethical codes, and thus works slyly in order to achieve his personal goals. Machiavelli explores this through zoomorphism, as he shares “you have to play the fox to see the snares and play the lion to scare the wolves”. Here he expresses that two distinctive qualities are needed in leadership. Leaders must be both sly like a fox in order to outsmart opposition, alternate leadership or that of the public, and also must employ qualities of a lion in order to scare away potential threat. Focusing more closely on the public, Machiavelli writes “you must either pamper people or destroy them; harm them just a little and they’ll hit back; harm them seriously and they won’t be able to.”, highlighting how he employs political strategy, largely disregarding morality, in order to eliminate opposition and consolidate power. Value is seen in perceived morals, as Machiavelli notes “it is absolutely imperative that (leaders) seem to possess them”, with appearances being more critical to effective leadership than true morality. This is epitomised in Machiavelli’s exploration of fear and love. He questions “is it better to be loved or feared?” concluding that “it’s safer to be feared than loved”, emphasising that while Machiavelli respects moral principles, he recognizes them as incompatible to the acquisition and maintaining of power, preferring to motivate the public out of fear. Thus, The Prince sees leadership advice stemming from a lack of faith in human morality, largely impacting the nature of political leaders.
Unlike Brutus, Antony is a man who can engage with moral ambiguity, largely following Machiavellian principles as he forms relationships motivated by manipulation and personal gain. As Machiavelli writes “men are so ready to congratulate themselves”, Antony employs flattery on Brutus in describing him as “noble, wise, valiant and honest”. This leads Brutus to believe he “shall have (Antony) well to friend”, allowing Antony to exploit the relationship having secured Brutus’s trust. Antony does this in publicly incriminating Brutus for the murder of Julius Caesar, undermining him in his monologue as he repeats “Brutus is an honourable man”. In positioning the public, Antony exercises dramatic techniques, making use of pauses in sharing “My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar/And I must pause till it come back to me”. He furthers this through negatio, as he “must not read” Caesar’s will. Whilst he leads the public to believe he is saving them heartache, Antony only makes the public more desperate for information, thus using his skills of rhetoric to manipulate the general public. Whilst Antony manipulates his relationship with the public, he also recognizes situations where it is appropriate to employ honour. This is seen as he closes the play in eulogizing Brutus, who kills himself to maintain his honour. Antony addresses the people in saying Brutus was “the noblest Roman of them all”, concluding that “This was a man!”, his deep respect for Brutus’s morality finally being made plain. In this, he uses his Machiavellian skills of rhetoric to befriend Brutus, whilst incriminating him and increasing his own perceived character in the minds of the Plebeian public, highlighting a disregard for morals in the midst of political gains.
In conclusion, both The Prince and Julius Caesar take a pragmatic approach to morality, in that while characters respect morality, they see it as incompatible with effective political leadership. Morality is seen as a compromising factor as Brutus is conflicted by situational demands, with naivety leading to exploitation and ultimate demise. Contrastingly, The Prince does not consider morality to this extent, disregard being justified by the imperfection of human nature, encouraging leaders to be firm and strategic in their approaches in order to maximise the extent of their control. Thus, morality largely draws out similarities between the texts in their prioritising of power over morality.
Post by: Nialllovespie on July 16, 2017, 03:24:19 pm
This is my King Henry IV essay.
It's my worse essay I've written and needs a lot of work but oh well here's draft one.
I would really appreciate if someone could give some feedback! Thank you!
Power and politics is a multiplex interaction of an individual's political motivation and actions exploited to manipulate, persuade and influence individuals and the society contemporary to them. The key facet to understanding the relationship between power and politics is to examine how people and politics is represented, the political motivations of individuals and the impact of political acts on individual lives and society. William Shakespeare's historical play, Henry IV Part 1, was set during the social and political turmoil of early 15th century England and examines the themes regarding the legitimacy of sovereignty and honour by commenting on the personal qualities and assets that are most important for a successful leader.
Shakespeare examines the legitimacy of sovereignty through the representation of characters with competing roles and their demonstrations of leadership. Hals leadership qualities are juxtaposed against that of his contemporaries; Hot Spur and King Henry IV. Henry the IV part 1, centers upon the turbulence of civil war as it acts as an indirect commentary on the contextual concerns of succession and leadership faced by England. King Richard II’s deposition is described by Hotspur through the horticultural imagery in ‘put down Richard, that sweet lovely rose / and plant this thorn, this canker, Bolingbroke’. The contrast between the pleasant imagery of King Richard as a ‘sweet lovely rose’ juxtaposed against the brutal tone of King Henry as a ‘thorn’ and then a ‘canker’ expresses Hotspurs disapproval of Henry illegally inheriting the throne and further amplifies his perception of England as a garden that is on the cusp of ruin and decay. Prince Hal denies he is the mischievous person he appears to be as he uses visual imagery to describe how his friends ‘cloud’ and ‘smother up’ his true nature and further compares himself to the sun, through the rhetorical question ‘Yet herein will I imitate the sun?’ to highlight his true ‘beauty’. Furthermore, Hal declares his true ‘beauty’ will be revealed by ‘breaking through the foul and ugly mists’ where by the visual imagery amplifies the audiences’ stunned reaction from his transformation. Hal, through first person narration and soliloquy, confesses to the audience, “My reformation, glittering o’er my fault, Shall show more goodly and attract more eyes.” drawing upon his expectations for the audience to be more loyal and obedient when he is king. Furthermore, it elevates his debut and demonstrates the ability of his politically savvy nature to manipulate his image, and influence the nobles and his own reputation hence questioning the legitimacy of sovereignty within the play. Likewise, Shakespeare presents King Henry IV as a shrewd politician whose perception of power and his role as King signifies his potential to control and manipulate others. King Henry is aware of the impact of his political actions through the alliteration and synecdoche ‘By being seldom seen / that I did pluck allegiance from men's hearts’ illustrating that his awareness will impact his political image and attitude. Therefore Shakespeare has clearly represented that in the contest of legitimacy for sovereignty, Hal is the most competent to pose the position of a King that will lead England to prosperity.
The representation of people and politics is seen through an individual's tactics of deception and manipulation that reveal their honour, or lack of. Hal’s in his soliloquy admits that his political strategy is ‘like bright metal on sullen ground’ by foreshadowing the effects of his conspiratorial ideas. The simile symbolises his manipulation of public opinion through his political actions and further juxtaposes him as character when he stated, ‘My reformation…shall show more goodly and attract more eyes’. Furthermore, Hal foreshadows his reformation through metaphor as ‘glitt’ring’ drawing upon the dramatic irony of his incompetence for the position and elucidates his political strategy by manipulating and influencing others for his own political desires. The nature of Henry IV’s political authority employs contrasting tactics to Hal ‘by being solemn seen...but like a comet I wondered at’ drawing insight to the celestial imagery portraying the effectiveness of his aristocratic distance rather than companionship as political assets. Shakespeare represents Hotspur as having matrimonial leadership during times of war, as an archaic knight and a warrior prince illustrated when King Henry states enviously that “My Lord Northumberland is blest with / A son who is the theme of honour’s tongue.” The set up, foreshadows the qualities of which Hal will acquire as he moves closer to his predestined role as King Henry V. Furthermore, the juxtaposition and personification in ‘Honours tongue’ symbolises Hotspurs intentions whilst the metaphor ‘straightest plant’ utilised in King Henry’s address compares Hotspurs appropriacy for the heir contrasted against Prince Hal’s inadequacy through the brutal tone in ‘riot and dishonour stain the brow’. Shakespeare presents the human nature as driven by one’s political motivations and strategies they acquire to meet their own desires despite their inadequacy and incompetence to act as a political role model.
William Shakespeare’s ‘King Henry IV Part One’ draws upon the interaction between people and politics by invariably exposing aspects of human nature that are tied to political motivations and strategies. The thematic concerns regarding the legitimacy of sovereignty and honour are evident throughout the play as political models embody strategies whilst pursuing for their personal advantage in spite of political provocations.
Thank you again!
Nia :)))
Post by: bholenath125 on July 16, 2017, 06:27:31 pm
I have a module B, T.S. Eliot essay that I was hoping to get marked. Unfortunately, the last time I posted something to get marked it actually didnt get marked...so although I have 30 posts I have still only gotten one marking done.
Would it be okay for me to post my essay here?
Post by: bholenath125 on July 16, 2017, 06:37:56 pm
Hi there, how can we prepare for English paper 1 short answer questions if we have no clue what we going to be asked
Hey Mohanedibrahim1,
The paper 1 is definitely a very important paper because its the one all of NSW shares. The short answer section is definitely something that I struggled with as well and I believe the best way to prepare for them is practise. I'm sorry for this generic advice but I still hope it helps.
The first step is to go to the Area of Study Rubric on the NESA website. You need to know what the module is essentially about. From thereon, just search practice paper 1 discovery on the internet, and you'll find tonnes of papers you can work. In terms of getting feedback, I can recommend someone who you can email your work to and he can give you extremely helpful advice but most of the time, I think, if you just refer to the rubric statements and practise analysing, you will be able to solidify your understanding of Discovery and be able to answer the short answer section, skilfully.
Post by: beau77bro on July 16, 2017, 09:06:39 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2017, 11:23:24 pm
I'm trying to hand write any and all notes/work from now on, is it possible to get handwritten essays marked by you guys or should i type and edit them before hand?
Handwritten should be fine! Just give us a way to look at the images, and comments will be at the end not throughout obviously ;D
Sorry for the delay in marking guys! We've been resting over the weekend to recover from lectures, we're resuming marking this evening and tomorrow!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2017, 10:49:27 am
Hello!
I was wondering if someone could please take a look at my Mod B Speech plans? Specifically, if the quotes work well with my ideas/thesis statements.
Thank you! :)
Hey Beth! Sorry this took a while, but a few comments on your plans:
- Love the ideas you've put forward for Atwood's speeches, though be careful you distinguish between "common human values" and the ideas Atwood puts forward. There could be crossover there! I think on the whole you are using good evidence and supporting your argument effectively - In the second body paragraph, watch the use of rhetorical question in your own writing. Keep things academic. Also watch for places where you discuss Atwood's intention specifically but perhaps not how it relates to a greater theme or resonates with wider audiences - Those are important to consider too :)
- Ditto for Sadat, you are considering intent well and including the contextual audience in how the technique is used and received. You've also given evidence of effectiveness. I'm not super sure about your second idea for this speech though, it doesn't quite mesh with the first idea. In one you are saying, "Challenge perceptions," the other you are sort of saying, "Those perceptions need to form foundation for the speech," it is an interesting play off but I am personally unsure about it!
- Excellent consideration of what you are arguing when choosing techniques for Keating. Paragraph #1 is all about emotion and that is where all your techniques for the paragraph revolve around the creation of emotion. Great work there! For your second body paragraph, the idea is very text specific, meaning, you are relying a lot on the specific context of Keating to establish it. Be careful, you want to be able to make more universal links!
- Great work on Pearson too - Especially like you considering links/contradictions between the speakers, I'd like to see more of that! It is important to keep in mind how to draw connections between all the different speeches.
Not much to suggest, I think these will work well for you ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2017, 11:08:48 am
Hi, we had an essay question for mod C in our trial and I got 16/20, just wondering where to improve based on the feedback which will be written at the end.
Happy to help! Sorry for the delay :)
Spoiler
Question: The actions of dominant individuals affect the lives of others in society. Evaluate this statement with direct reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. I feel like saying "the relationship between" is a little vague, because it is purely that composers use techniques to give meaning. I'd be more specific. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Try to separate the plot of the text from its message, keep things thematic and abstract. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom. Overall, very solid introduction! Nicely done.
The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Nice conceptual topic sentence. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". How does the jargon represent a dehumanised society, how does the audience react? This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Try to restructure such that you only need to reference the text once. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. How specifically? In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. What technique do you attribute to that quote there? The technique is the most important part of a Module C response. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda. Definitely a solid paragraph, but the analysis throughout could definitely be stronger too. More techniques, more explicit reference to how these techniques communicates ideas to the audience more generally, not just related to the plot.
Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. How do these choices affect how the text and its message are received by the audience? This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Good. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Retell, avoid just stating what happened in the text. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Nice ideas in this analysis, but just a little too plot focused, relying on events in the text rather than techniques themselves. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.
The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Fantastic analysis of technique, but the audience impact is lacking - Don't just say it portrays dominance of the controllers, what does it show the audience about free will more generally? Abstract from the plot. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. You could compress all of this to something like, "Huxley satirises the Christian religion in lines such as ______," and then examine the impact this would have on Huxley's predominately Christian audience. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened" - I AGREE) by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society. Not a whole lot technique wise in this paragraph besides the plays on Christianity, try and go broader I reckon!
In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. This paragraph seems very similar to your other for this text - I'm not really getting the separation? If anything the last paragraph should be the one in this position. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. Thus showing the audience ________ about stability through the loss of individuality? Thematic links! However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. Still slightly plot focused - The fact that your text has no dialogue might be hindering you as it sort of forces a bit of retell, which isn't ideal. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.
Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society. Again, I'd think it better to communicate exactly what this relationship is.
Strong essay pikachu - What I think you need to do is become a little less "text focused." So, don't just explore what we learn about the text and the characters, explore what we learn about the themes. If you read through, you'll notice we are always being shown things about the text itself. You want to abstract, to tell us what we are shown about the themes in a more general sense. You also want to be careful with your related, you are slipping into retell in both paragraphs. If you are finding it tricky to discuss the use of techniques without retelling what happens in the text itself, it may not be the most effective choice of related. It does seem very conceptually rich and full of techniques though, I reckon you'd make it work ;D
Comments throughout should cover my thoughts, let me know if I can clarify any of them for you! ;D
Post by: aangiew on July 17, 2017, 12:15:09 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2017, 12:47:30 pm
hi i was just wondering roughly how many quotes/techniques i should have for my discovery essay?
Hey Angie! Welcome to the forums ;D
It is very much quality over quantity for these sort of things! Like, one quote done well beats three quotes down awfully any day of the week. This said, I personally had about five-six quotes/techniques for each paragraph, so maybe 20 in total at a guess? My style used a lot of techniques and quotes though, definitely not mandatory to do that many - I'd say three or four done really well would suffice ;D
Post by: winstondarmawan on July 17, 2017, 01:42:15 pm
Spoiler
“How do speakers use construction and rhetoric to emphasise the importance of a shared vision?”
The mutual desire of speaker and audience to reside in a harmonious and egalitarian society, heightened in periods of conflict will formulate a shared vision. This vision encompasses collectively held values, such as the power of literature and the need for equality. The importance of these unanimous ideals is crystallised through a speech’s well-crafted arguments, laced with rhetoric to coordinate such arguments to the desired shared vision. Margaret Atwood’s Spotty Handed Villainesses (1994) and Dorris Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize (2007) champion the power of literature in fuelling holistic education through their effective use of rhetoric, prompting audiences to re-evaluate previously held beliefs and actualise the speaker’s proposed vision.
Literature, as an expression of the values and tropes that comprise our humanity, can have a large-scale influence on societal norms, testament to its importance and power. The birth of radical ‘third wave’ feminism invites Atwood to discuss various propositions, especially the representation of women in literature, to a primarily female audience. Bringing her acclaimed witty and acerbically satirical reputation into fruition through her tone, Atwood encapsulates the irony of wholly good or bad women through the motif of the ‘spots’ in the exordium. This establishes the danger of two-dimensional characters, ‘Create a flawless character and you create an insufferable one; which may be why I am interested in spots.’, dually enforcing the moral complexity of women, and the importance of literature. The dangers of misrepresentation in literature are further exhumed in the body, when youth are often inspired by fictional characters. Atwood astutely presents this through an anecdote, whereby she asks her daughter performing a play, “Are you going to do anything except have breakfast”, to which her daughter replies “no”, extrapolating from this an extended metaphor of the ‘eternal breakfast’. This eternal breakfast encapsulates the stereotypes placed amongst women, as two-dimensional, due to their misrepresentation in literature, again emphasising the power of literature to create misshapen stereotypes. As such, it is only when the power of literature is utilised to subvert these stereotypes and forward the representation of women as holistic that more explicit values such as equality can be pursued. Thus, Atwood places great emphasis on the power of literature, a shared value between herself and her majority widely-read and educated female audience to implant societal barriers onto women, and dangers of such when wholesome characters aren’t depicted.
Similar sentiments about power and importance of literature and the detriments of its absence are projected in Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize. A nation wrought with political instability and void of physical and mental resource, Lessing reflects on the barren Zimbabwe landscape as an extended metaphor for the absence of education based on literature. This is established immediately in the exordium where present tense in ‘I am standing’, inaugurating a sense of immediacy for the need for literature. The blunt anaphora and cumulation in ‘no atlas or globe in the school, no textbooks, no exercise books’ accentuates the importance of literature in providing fundamental education, painting the absence of such as a reflection of one’s environment. Exemplifying the lack of literature in impoverished nations, Lessing incorporates direct speech in ‘Please send us books when you get back to London’ one man says” to convey the desires of those unable to immerse themselves in literature, and despite Lessing and the audience having a shared vision in the importance of literature, the true extent of such a value may not be realised. The absence of literature can have significant implications, as literature is defined by Atwood as models of language and the human experience. As a result, many individuals in these nations are driven without moral, such as the ‘headmaster (who) has embezzled the school funds’, forging a cycle of demoralisation, affecting youth who will ‘steal chalk left out on the blackboard’. Lessing epitomises the shared vision of importance of literature through the anecdote of her youth, whereby she was brought up in ‘a mud hut, but it was full of books’, allowing her to be alleviated from the predicament of an impoverished lifestyle. As such, the shared vision between Lessing and her privileged audience about the importance of literature is elucidated, to ensure that her audience appreciates the prerogative of literature.
The shared vision of equality by speaker and audience is emphasised through the abolishment of the structures that promote inequality. In a society which yearns for egalitarianism, Atwood ensures to preface her speech in he exordium on equality rather than misandry, challenging a misconception that ‘bad behaviour is the monopoly of men’. This mindset, presented by radical feminists present women as ‘communal egalitarians’, incapable of performing bad deeds. The use of the adage ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ infuses a sense of irony into the arguments presented by radical feminists, as it contradicts the proposition of free will. By retorting against such statements, Atwood emphasises the importance of equality between men and women, depicting them as three-dimensional and complex beings. Furthermore, Atwood proposes that since the complexity of men in literature is well-articulated, the pursuit of equality involves painting women in a similar light. Hence, Atwood imparts with an imperative tone onto the audience the precondition of ‘conflict in a story’, and the input of a three-dimensional ‘female lead in the centre of this conflict’, to more accurately depict the complexity of women. Atwood’s shared vision of equality is evident in the development of complex female characters in modern literature and film, such as Hermione Granger and Katniss Everdeen, that act as a multiplex model of behaviour for youth, in essence uprooting the ingrained stereotypes of women and furthering society towards equality. As such, Atwood is able to effectively examine the shared vision of equality to with audience, imparting methods of writing which oppose the imbedded misrepresentation of women.
By heavily drawing on empathy, speakers prompt their audience to realise a shared vision of equality and its importance in creating a harmonious global society. Disparity in physical, economic and educational standards between global citizens is highlighted through Atwood’s extensive use of juxtaposition. After painting a blatantly bleak image of a corrupt and barren school in Zimbabwe, Lessing mentions “The next day I am to give a talk at a school in North London, a very good school… with beautiful buildings and gardens’, illuminating the present inequalities between these widely different societies. Further exerting the importance of equality, Lessing proposes the rhetorical questions ‘Is it really so impossible for these privileged students to imagine such bare poverty?’, provoking the audience to recognise such privilege, and hence emphasising the importance of a shared vision for equality. This shared vision is entrenched further into the minds of the audience, as Lessing exercises the use of inclusive pronouns in coup with a precautionary tone in ‘We all know this sad story. But we do not know the end of it’, foments the recognition of the true extent of inequalities existent, inducing empathy and the desire for global society based on equality. Therefore, Lessing is able to impart the shared vision of equality unto her audience through drawing on a sense of empathy.
The mutual desire of speaker and audience to reside in a harmonious and egalitarian society, heightened in periods of conflict will formulate a shared vision. This vision encompasses collectively held values, such as the power of literature and the need for equality. The importance of these unanimous ideals is crystallised through a speech’s well-crafted arguments, laced with rhetoric to coordinate such arguments to the desired shared vision. Margaret Atwood’s Spotty Handed Villainesses (1994) and Dorris Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize (2007) champion the power of literature in fuelling holistic education through their effective use of rhetoric, prompting audiences to re-evaluate previously held beliefs and actualise the speaker’s proposed vision.
Literature, as an expression of the values and tropes that comprise our humanity, can have a large-scale influence on societal norms, testament to its importance and power. The birth of radical ‘third wave’ feminism invites Atwood to discuss various propositions, especially the representation of women in literature, to a primarily female audience. Bringing her acclaimed witty and acerbically satirical reputation into fruition through her tone, Atwood encapsulates the irony of wholly good or bad women through the motif of the ‘spots’ in the exordium. This establishes the danger of two-dimensional characters, ‘Create a flawless character and you create an insufferable one; which may be why I am interested in spots.’, dually enforcing the moral complexity of women, and the importance of literature. The dangers of misrepresentation in literature are further exhumed in the body, when youth are often inspired by fictional characters. Atwood astutely presents this through an anecdote, whereby she asks her daughter performing a play, “Are you going to do anything except have breakfast”, to which her daughter replies “no”, extrapolating from this an extended metaphor of the ‘eternal breakfast’. This eternal breakfast encapsulates the stereotypes placed amongst women, as two-dimensional, due to their misrepresentation in literature, again emphasising the power of literature to create misshapen stereotypes. As such, it is only when the power of literature is utilised to subvert these stereotypes and forward the representation of women as holistic that more explicit values such as equality can be pursued. Thus, Atwood places great emphasis on the power of literature, a shared value between herself and her majority widely-read and educated female audience to implant societal barriers onto women, and dangers of such when wholesome characters aren’t depicted.
Similar sentiments about power and importance of literature and the detriments of its absence are projected in Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize. A nation wrought with political instability and void of physical and mental resource, Lessing reflects on the barren Zimbabwe landscape as an extended metaphor for the absence of education based on literature. This is established immediately in the exordium where present tense in ‘I am standing’, inaugurating a sense of immediacy for the need for literature. The blunt anaphora and cumulation in ‘no atlas or globe in the school, no textbooks, no exercise books’ accentuates the importance of literature in providing fundamental education, painting the absence of such as a reflection of one’s environment. Exemplifying the lack of literature in impoverished nations, Lessing incorporates direct speech in ‘Please send us books when you get back to London’ one man says” to convey the desires of those unable to immerse themselves in literature, and despite Lessing and the audience having a shared vision in the importance of literature, the true extent of such a value may not be realised. The absence of literature can have significant implications, as literature is defined by Atwood as models of language and the human experience. As a result, many individuals in these nations are driven without moral, such as the ‘headmaster (who) has embezzled the school funds’, forging a cycle of demoralisation, affecting youth who will ‘steal chalk left out on the blackboard’. Lessing epitomises the shared vision of importance of literature through the anecdote of her youth, whereby she was brought up in ‘a mud hut, but it was full of books’, allowing her to be alleviated from the predicament of an impoverished lifestyle. As such, the shared vision between Lessing and her privileged audience about the importance of literature is elucidated, to ensure that her audience appreciates the prerogative of literature.
The shared vision of equality by speaker and audience is emphasised through the abolishment of the structures that promote inequality. In a society which yearns for egalitarianism, Atwood ensures to preface her speech in he exordium on equality rather than misandry, challenging a misconception that ‘bad behaviour is the monopoly of men’. This mindset, presented by radical feminists present women as ‘communal egalitarians’, incapable of performing bad deeds. The use of the adage ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ infuses a sense of irony into the arguments presented by radical feminists, as it contradicts the proposition of free will. By retorting against such statements, Atwood emphasises the importance of equality between men and women, depicting them as three-dimensional and complex beings. Furthermore, Atwood proposes that since the complexity of men in literature is well-articulated, the pursuit of equality involves painting women in a similar light. Hence, Atwood imparts with an imperative tone onto the audience the precondition of ‘conflict in a story’, and the input of a three-dimensional ‘female lead in the centre of this conflict’, to more accurately depict the complexity of women. Atwood’s shared vision of equality is evident in the development of complex female characters in modern literature and film, such as Hermione Granger and Katniss Everdeen, that act as a multiplex model of behaviour for youth, in essence uprooting the ingrained stereotypes of women and furthering society towards equality. As such, Atwood is able to effectively examine the shared vision of equality to with audience, imparting methods of writing which oppose the imbedded misrepresentation of women.
By heavily drawing on empathy, speakers prompt their audience to realise a shared vision of equality and its importance in creating a harmonious global society. Disparity in physical, economic and educational standards between global citizens is highlighted through Atwood’s extensive use of juxtaposition. After painting a blatantly bleak image of a corrupt and barren school in Zimbabwe, Lessing mentions “The next day I am to give a talk at a school in North London, a very good school… with beautiful buildings and gardens’, illuminating the present inequalities between these widely different societies. Further exerting the importance of equality, Lessing proposes the rhetorical questions ‘Is it really so impossible for these privileged students to imagine such bare poverty?’, provoking the audience to recognise such privilege, and hence emphasising the importance of a shared vision for equality. This shared vision is entrenched further into the minds of the audience, as Lessing exercises the use of inclusive pronouns in coup with a precautionary tone in ‘We all know this sad story. But we do not know the end of it’, foments the recognition of the true extent of inequalities existent, inducing empathy and the desire for global society based on equality. Therefore, Lessing is able to impart the shared vision of equality unto her audience through drawing on a sense of empathy.
Post by: pikachu975 on July 17, 2017, 06:03:33 pm
Happy to help! Sorry for the delay :)Hi jamon thanks heaps. I'm thinking of swapping to Backwater gospel (which jakesilove used). Would it take up an essay post if I post quotes and analysis only?Spoiler
Question: The actions of dominant individuals affect the lives of others in society. Evaluate this statement with direct reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.
The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. I feel like saying "the relationship between" is a little vague, because it is purely that composers use techniques to give meaning. I'd be more specific. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Try to separate the plot of the text from its message, keep things thematic and abstract. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom. Overall, very solid introduction! Nicely done.
The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Nice conceptual topic sentence. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". How does the jargon represent a dehumanised society, how does the audience react? This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Try to restructure such that you only need to reference the text once. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. How specifically? In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. What technique do you attribute to that quote there? The technique is the most important part of a Module C response. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda. Definitely a solid paragraph, but the analysis throughout could definitely be stronger too. More techniques, more explicit reference to how these techniques communicates ideas to the audience more generally, not just related to the plot.
Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. How do these choices affect how the text and its message are received by the audience? This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Good. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Retell, avoid just stating what happened in the text. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Nice ideas in this analysis, but just a little too plot focused, relying on events in the text rather than techniques themselves. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.
The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Fantastic analysis of technique, but the audience impact is lacking - Don't just say it portrays dominance of the controllers, what does it show the audience about free will more generally? Abstract from the plot. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. You could compress all of this to something like, "Huxley satirises the Christian religion in lines such as ______," and then examine the impact this would have on Huxley's predominately Christian audience. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened" - I AGREE) by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society. Not a whole lot technique wise in this paragraph besides the plays on Christianity, try and go broader I reckon!
In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. This paragraph seems very similar to your other for this text - I'm not really getting the separation? If anything the last paragraph should be the one in this position. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. Thus showing the audience ________ about stability through the loss of individuality? Thematic links! However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. Still slightly plot focused - The fact that your text has no dialogue might be hindering you as it sort of forces a bit of retell, which isn't ideal. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.
Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society. Again, I'd think it better to communicate exactly what this relationship is.
Strong essay pikachu - What I think you need to do is become a little less "text focused." So, don't just explore what we learn about the text and the characters, explore what we learn about the themes. If you read through, you'll notice we are always being shown things about the text itself. You want to abstract, to tell us what we are shown about the themes in a more general sense. You also want to be careful with your related, you are slipping into retell in both paragraphs. If you are finding it tricky to discuss the use of techniques without retelling what happens in the text itself, it may not be the most effective choice of related. It does seem very conceptually rich and full of techniques though, I reckon you'd make it work ;D
Comments throughout should cover my thoughts, let me know if I can clarify any of them for you! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2017, 08:07:16 pm
Hi jamon thanks heaps. I'm thinking of swapping to Backwater gospel (which jakesilove used). Would it take up an essay post if I post quotes and analysis only?
You're welcome! Umm... Maybe? Common sense, like, if it is going to take nearly equivalent to an essay to read and check over, it will count. Normally I'd be pretty lenient with it but the marking forums are swamped right now and we really can't afford to give much time away without post count, sorry! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2017, 03:01:01 am
Hi I've been trying to write a draft for a discursive essay. I tried to include what my teacher wanted to see in each paragraph.
I was hoping if someone could give me feedback on whether or not I am fulfilling what my teacher wants in terms of content.
Hey anotherworld! As the year goes on, I become less and less confident marking your pieces - It is just so different from HSC stuff. I doubt I'll be very useful, but some brief comments:
- Introduction seems to set up the arguments you need quite well
- Ensure every time you have a quote it gets an accompanying technique - Sometimes you just give the quote without really, properly mentioning a language feature to accompany it. Be careful!
- In the second body paragraph, you aren't really covering the question a tonne. The word 'empathy' appears only once and controversy doesn't appear - Use the terms from the question directly to prove you are answering it! The use of techniques in this paragraph though is much stronger than the one above, good job there.
- You've not concluded with whether you agree/disagree - Make sure you do this!
Sorry the comments are brief, but with a text I haven't read and an essay that is very different to anything we do here in the HSC, I'm unable to provide much more :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on July 19, 2017, 09:45:04 am
I am a bit confused how I could Discuss values and attitudes in a way that underpins his perspective
I'm not quite sure how I can expand on my discussion :/
Was my third paragraph okay?
Hey anotherworld! As the year goes on, I become less and less confident marking your pieces - It is just so different from HSC stuff. I doubt I'll be very useful, but some brief comments:
- Introduction seems to set up the arguments you need quite well
- Ensure every time you have a quote it gets an accompanying technique - Sometimes you just give the quote without really, properly mentioning a language feature to accompany it. Be careful!
- In the second body paragraph, you aren't really covering the question a tonne. The word 'empathy' appears only once and controversy doesn't appear - Use the terms from the question directly to prove you are answering it! The use of techniques in this paragraph though is much stronger than the one above, good job there.
- You've not concluded with whether you agree/disagree - Make sure you do this!
Sorry the comments are brief, but with a text I haven't read and an essay that is very different to anything we do here in the HSC, I'm unable to provide much more :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2017, 12:09:58 pm
Any amount of feedback is valuable :)
I am a bit confused how I could Discuss values and attitudes in a way that underpins his perspective
I'm not quite sure how I can expand on my discussion :/
Was my third paragraph okay?
Someone else may be able to weigh in, but I've not really been asked to discuss values and attitudes in that way in the HSC. Perhaps it just means with reference to what the composer was trying to accomplish, in which case, you've done that well! But I honestly can't be sure :(
Yep your third paragraph was strong, in my opinion! Again, limited comments because I've never seen a paragraph like that in the HSC, on the surface it seems effective :)
Post by: itssona on July 19, 2017, 05:16:32 pm
How do both composers use dramatisation to explore ideas about identity? Use Cosi and one Harwood poem of your own choosing.
At the crux of individuals’ intrinsic motivation, are continuous intersections of social integration in attempts to render a solidified reaffirmation of identity. Dramatisation techniques are used by composers to challenge prevailing notions surrounding this attainment of one’s identity and however different the dramatisation techniques in ‘Cosi’ by Louis Nowra, and ‘Father and Child’ by Gwen Harwood are, both are implicitly and explicitly connected by the exploration of individualism. Such composer intentions perpetuate beyond the relevance of social conformity, but rather, the necessitation of substantial interactions to undergo abolishment of pre-existing ideologies and thus, authentic redemption in identity. Through a comparison of these texts, we understand that a quest to overcome the barriers to all semblance of individualism transcends textual differences, with the transformation of Lewis in ‘Cosi’, holding resemblance to the experimental growth of the persona in ‘Father and Child’.
Both composers characterise their respective personas as initial embodiments of naivety, later evolving into more distinctive personas, as they are met with interactions which alter their existing ideologies encompassing identity. In ‘Cosi’, the examination of Lewis’ initial uncertainty reveals the way in which his thoughts initially mirror that of society at the time, with little of his personal reflection. His subsequent transformation in values is encapsulated in Louis Nowra’s utilisation of light, where changes in light reflect inherent changes in attitudes and symbolise the characters’ personal awareness. Initially in the play, Lewis is instilled with an unsound fear, depicted in the flickering fuse box, mirroring Lewis’ flickering uncertainty and lack of confidence. This lack of confidence in leading the play is further accentuated through examining the contextual divergence surrounding present-day views and the more neglectful attitudes towards the mentally ill at the time, where they were viewed as a minority and faced profound negligence. Likewise, the persona in ‘Father and Child’ also undergoes a progression in values, stemming from an initial vulnerability and innocence. This shift in values is illustrated through the explicit construction of the poem into two separate poems, in which the latter poem ‘Nightfall’ exhibits a mournful tone. The most dominant of Harwood’s dramatisation techniques is her incorporation of the natural world to convey philosophical elements within the construction of her poetry. The mournful tone in ‘Nightfall’ is accompanied by the portrayal of death as being calm, in the instance of her father, and violent, in terms of the owl’s death. The persona’s temptation to kill the owl, initially an act of rebellion, later hints at an underlying purpose extending beyond rebellion, but moreso- an awakening to the reality that death can bring forth knowledge. This is ultimately symbolic of the persona’s perception of growth and change and allows the reader to gain an understanding of how differing depictions of death can shape present ideologies. The two texts are therefore connected by notions of overcoming the struggle to establish a separate sense of identity, through meaningful interactions.
Both texts explore the mutual concept of the association of one’s seemingly apparent nature, with their identity. Through examining Lewis’ apprehensions surrounding working with Doug, a pyromaniac, we are led to see how the influence of textual ‘play’ can manipulate societal views on a subject matter Embedded within ‘Cosi’ is the refined use of ‘black comedy’ as a theatrical form, to provide relief and deflect from seriousness through satirising sensitive issues in a comical context. Throughout the play, comical remarks are made by Doug, such as “go burn a cat”- an allusion to Doug ‘accidentally’ burning his mother’s house. Doug further relates his crimes to being “perfect crime
Post by: bethr on July 21, 2017, 12:31:42 pm
Hey Beth! Sorry this took a while, but a few comments on your plans:
- Love the ideas you've put forward for Atwood's speeches, though be careful you distinguish between "common human values" and the ideas Atwood puts forward. There could be crossover there! I think on the whole you are using good evidence and supporting your argument effectively - In the second body paragraph, watch the use of rhetorical question in your own writing. Keep things academic. Also watch for places where you discuss Atwood's intention specifically but perhaps not how it relates to a greater theme or resonates with wider audiences - Those are important to consider too :)
- Ditto for Sadat, you are considering intent well and including the contextual audience in how the technique is used and received. You've also given evidence of effectiveness. I'm not super sure about your second idea for this speech though, it doesn't quite mesh with the first idea. In one you are saying, "Challenge perceptions," the other you are sort of saying, "Those perceptions need to form foundation for the speech," it is an interesting play off but I am personally unsure about it!
- Excellent consideration of what you are arguing when choosing techniques for Keating. Paragraph #1 is all about emotion and that is where all your techniques for the paragraph revolve around the creation of emotion. Great work there! For your second body paragraph, the idea is very text specific, meaning, you are relying a lot on the specific context of Keating to establish it. Be careful, you want to be able to make more universal links!
- Great work on Pearson too - Especially like you considering links/contradictions between the speakers, I'd like to see more of that! It is important to keep in mind how to draw connections between all the different speeches.
Not much to suggest, I think these will work well for you ;D
Not to worry. Thanks for the great feedback!
Post by: taliamarie on July 22, 2017, 06:13:09 pm
Thanks in advance
Post by: assaadf on July 22, 2017, 09:24:31 pm
thanks heaps !!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 23, 2017, 01:01:26 am
I have attached a MOD A Essay for marking, would love some feedback :)
Thanks in advance
hey just wondering if yall have checked over my essay (i know you are extremely busy so no stress)
thanks heaps !!
Hi assaadf and taliamarie, welcome to the forums! ;D
According to our essay marking rules (which you can read here) you'll need 25 posts on ATAR Notes to qualify for feedback in our marking threads. The markers are swamped right now and this is our way of prioritising :)
Keen to see you both posting around the forums! Let us know if we can help you find stuff ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2017, 02:19:59 am
Can you please mark my comparative? :) Sorry for resending it (deleted other post) - thank you again!
Sure thing!
Spoiler
How do both composers use dramatisation to explore ideas about identity? Use Cosi and one Harwood poem of your own choosing.
At the crux of individuals’ intrinsic motivation, are continuous intersections of social integration in attempts to render a solidified reaffirmation of identity. Whoa - I think this Thesis is suffering a bit from being overly verbose. Get to the point a little more simply - There are definitely ways to get this across more clearly. Dramatisation techniques are used by composers to challenge prevailing notions surrounding this attainment of one’s identity and however different the dramatisation techniques in ‘Cosi’ by Louis Nowra, and ‘Father and Child’ by Gwen Harwood are, both are implicitly and explicitly connected by the exploration of individualism. I like how you bring in the examples fluently with the discussion of theme, works well. I'd maybe add "techniques in TEXTS SUCH AS 'Cosi'... though, for better flow.. Such composer intentions perpetuate beyond the relevance of social conformity, but rather, the necessitation of substantial interactions to undergo abolishment of pre-existing ideologies and thus, authentic redemption in identity. Slight expression issue there. Through a comparison of these texts, we understand that a quest to overcome the barriers to all semblance of individualism transcends textual differences, with the transformation of Lewis in ‘Cosi’, holding resemblance to the experimental growth of the persona in ‘Father and Child’. This Thesis has great ideas, but the wording is too complex to get the point across clearly. Vocabulary is great, but when you overdo it (which I think you've done here) it becomes a tad counterproductive.
Both composers characterise their respective personas as initial embodiments of naivety, later evolving into more distinctive personas, as they are met with interactions which alter their existing ideologies encompassing identity. What do you mean by more 'distinctive?' Besides that I like this Thesis, perhaps a tad text focused but works well on the whole. In ‘Cosi’, the examination of Lewis’ initial uncertainty reveals the way in which his thoughts initially mirror that of society at the time, with little of his personal reflection. His subsequent transformation in values is encapsulated in Louis Nowra’s utilisation of light, where changes in light reflect inherent changes in attitudes and symbolise the characters’ personal awareness. Good analysis, though perhaps a tad vague - Do you have a specific scene example where light is used to show a specific attitude? Initially in the play, Lewis is instilled with an unsound fear, depicted in the flickering fuse box, mirroring Lewis’ flickering uncertainty and lack of confidence. Careful you don't slip into retell. This lack of confidence in leading the play is further accentuated through examining the contextual divergence surrounding present-day views and the more neglectful attitudes towards the mentally ill at the time, where they were viewed as a minority and faced profound negligence. Not 100% sure of the link you just made there. Likewise, the persona in ‘Father and Child’ also undergoes a progression in values, stemming from an initial vulnerability and innocence. This shift in values is illustrated through the explicit construction of the poem into two separate poems, in which the latter poem ‘Nightfall’ exhibits a mournful tone. What about the first poem? If you are going to bring up this structural element it would be most effective to analyse it fully. The most dominant of Harwood’s dramatisation techniques is her incorporation of the natural world to convey philosophical elements within the construction of her poetry. The mournful tone in ‘Nightfall’ is accompanied by the portrayal of death as being calm, in the instance of her father, and violent, in terms of the owl’s death. What techniques portray this? The persona’s temptation to kill the owl, initially an act of rebellion, later hints at an underlying purpose extending beyond rebellion, but moreso- an awakening to the reality that death can bring forth knowledge. Try not to use plot elements or things happening/experienced by characters to portray themes. Should all go back to techniques. This is ultimately symbolic of the persona’s perception of growth and change and allows the reader to gain an understanding of how differing depictions of death can shape present ideologies. The two texts are therefore connected by notions of overcoming the struggle to establish a separate sense of identity, through meaningful interactions. Good paragraph, good ideas and good references to audience. Not the best analysis - Try and include more techniques!
Both texts explore the mutual concept of the association of one’s seemingly apparent nature, with their identity. Not quite sure what you mean by this concept - Nature associated with identity, might need to elaborate more? Through examining Lewis’ apprehensions surrounding working with Doug, a pyromaniac, we are led to see how the influence of textual ‘play’ can manipulate societal views on a subject matter. Try not to use plot elements to communicate themes. Embedded within ‘Cosi’ is the refined use of ‘black comedy’ as a theatrical form, to provide relief and deflect from seriousness through satirising sensitive issues in a comical context. Throughout the play, comical remarks are made by Doug, such as “go burn a cat”- an allusion to Doug ‘accidentally’ burning his mother’s house. Retelling a bit here - Don't just restate lines from the story and explain them. Doug further relates his crimes to being “perfect crimes”, where the placement of “perfect” and “crime” emphasise the lack of connection between action and consequences. There is some analysis here, but it seems more like you are just recounting what the character of Doug says. This is retell! The audience affirms to their common perceptions of pyromaniacs such as Doug, and subsequently draw upon the amorality accompanying his actions and that of other pyromaniacs, reflecting the instability with which one’s apparent traits are co-existent with their identity.This discussion of one’s identity being associated to their seemingly evident traits, is fundamental to both texts, in that Harwood also utilises several perspectives to comment on moral boundaries. Ahh, the way you've explained the concept is MUCH better here, I'd adapt this wording to use in the first sentence. Makes loads more sense. The complexity of gender roles surveys the possible interpretations undermining ‘Father and Child’, the notion permeating the truths surrounding the role of gender in one’s conceived identity. Gender is not specified in the poem, hinting that the persona may have acted in an act of defiance, to display their masculinity. Try to be sure of your arguments, use high modality language, don't say "may have" because it implies you are unsure of your own argument. If the persona is written through the interpersonal experiences of Harwood herself, the child can be seen as taking on the masculine role of her father- an act exceeding that of parents, but rather, delving into moral boundaries within society. Again, even if it is just your interpretation, be confident in that interpretation! Confident arguments win marks. Through this, we understand that, despite Nowra and Harwood’s contrasting portrayals of discrepancy in identity, both are linked by the exploration of such discrepancies. Another good paragraph, slightly focused on retell instead of techniques though. However, the idea is well communicated and the concepts you've raised are excellent.
At the crux of individuals’ intrinsic motivation, are continuous intersections of social integration in attempts to render a solidified reaffirmation of identity. Whoa - I think this Thesis is suffering a bit from being overly verbose. Get to the point a little more simply - There are definitely ways to get this across more clearly. Dramatisation techniques are used by composers to challenge prevailing notions surrounding this attainment of one’s identity and however different the dramatisation techniques in ‘Cosi’ by Louis Nowra, and ‘Father and Child’ by Gwen Harwood are, both are implicitly and explicitly connected by the exploration of individualism. I like how you bring in the examples fluently with the discussion of theme, works well. I'd maybe add "techniques in TEXTS SUCH AS 'Cosi'... though, for better flow.. Such composer intentions perpetuate beyond the relevance of social conformity, but rather, the necessitation of substantial interactions to undergo abolishment of pre-existing ideologies and thus, authentic redemption in identity. Slight expression issue there. Through a comparison of these texts, we understand that a quest to overcome the barriers to all semblance of individualism transcends textual differences, with the transformation of Lewis in ‘Cosi’, holding resemblance to the experimental growth of the persona in ‘Father and Child’. This Thesis has great ideas, but the wording is too complex to get the point across clearly. Vocabulary is great, but when you overdo it (which I think you've done here) it becomes a tad counterproductive.
Both composers characterise their respective personas as initial embodiments of naivety, later evolving into more distinctive personas, as they are met with interactions which alter their existing ideologies encompassing identity. What do you mean by more 'distinctive?' Besides that I like this Thesis, perhaps a tad text focused but works well on the whole. In ‘Cosi’, the examination of Lewis’ initial uncertainty reveals the way in which his thoughts initially mirror that of society at the time, with little of his personal reflection. His subsequent transformation in values is encapsulated in Louis Nowra’s utilisation of light, where changes in light reflect inherent changes in attitudes and symbolise the characters’ personal awareness. Good analysis, though perhaps a tad vague - Do you have a specific scene example where light is used to show a specific attitude? Initially in the play, Lewis is instilled with an unsound fear, depicted in the flickering fuse box, mirroring Lewis’ flickering uncertainty and lack of confidence. Careful you don't slip into retell. This lack of confidence in leading the play is further accentuated through examining the contextual divergence surrounding present-day views and the more neglectful attitudes towards the mentally ill at the time, where they were viewed as a minority and faced profound negligence. Not 100% sure of the link you just made there. Likewise, the persona in ‘Father and Child’ also undergoes a progression in values, stemming from an initial vulnerability and innocence. This shift in values is illustrated through the explicit construction of the poem into two separate poems, in which the latter poem ‘Nightfall’ exhibits a mournful tone. What about the first poem? If you are going to bring up this structural element it would be most effective to analyse it fully. The most dominant of Harwood’s dramatisation techniques is her incorporation of the natural world to convey philosophical elements within the construction of her poetry. The mournful tone in ‘Nightfall’ is accompanied by the portrayal of death as being calm, in the instance of her father, and violent, in terms of the owl’s death. What techniques portray this? The persona’s temptation to kill the owl, initially an act of rebellion, later hints at an underlying purpose extending beyond rebellion, but moreso- an awakening to the reality that death can bring forth knowledge. Try not to use plot elements or things happening/experienced by characters to portray themes. Should all go back to techniques. This is ultimately symbolic of the persona’s perception of growth and change and allows the reader to gain an understanding of how differing depictions of death can shape present ideologies. The two texts are therefore connected by notions of overcoming the struggle to establish a separate sense of identity, through meaningful interactions. Good paragraph, good ideas and good references to audience. Not the best analysis - Try and include more techniques!
Both texts explore the mutual concept of the association of one’s seemingly apparent nature, with their identity. Not quite sure what you mean by this concept - Nature associated with identity, might need to elaborate more? Through examining Lewis’ apprehensions surrounding working with Doug, a pyromaniac, we are led to see how the influence of textual ‘play’ can manipulate societal views on a subject matter. Try not to use plot elements to communicate themes. Embedded within ‘Cosi’ is the refined use of ‘black comedy’ as a theatrical form, to provide relief and deflect from seriousness through satirising sensitive issues in a comical context. Throughout the play, comical remarks are made by Doug, such as “go burn a cat”- an allusion to Doug ‘accidentally’ burning his mother’s house. Retelling a bit here - Don't just restate lines from the story and explain them. Doug further relates his crimes to being “perfect crimes”, where the placement of “perfect” and “crime” emphasise the lack of connection between action and consequences. There is some analysis here, but it seems more like you are just recounting what the character of Doug says. This is retell! The audience affirms to their common perceptions of pyromaniacs such as Doug, and subsequently draw upon the amorality accompanying his actions and that of other pyromaniacs, reflecting the instability with which one’s apparent traits are co-existent with their identity.This discussion of one’s identity being associated to their seemingly evident traits, is fundamental to both texts, in that Harwood also utilises several perspectives to comment on moral boundaries. Ahh, the way you've explained the concept is MUCH better here, I'd adapt this wording to use in the first sentence. Makes loads more sense. The complexity of gender roles surveys the possible interpretations undermining ‘Father and Child’, the notion permeating the truths surrounding the role of gender in one’s conceived identity. Gender is not specified in the poem, hinting that the persona may have acted in an act of defiance, to display their masculinity. Try to be sure of your arguments, use high modality language, don't say "may have" because it implies you are unsure of your own argument. If the persona is written through the interpersonal experiences of Harwood herself, the child can be seen as taking on the masculine role of her father- an act exceeding that of parents, but rather, delving into moral boundaries within society. Again, even if it is just your interpretation, be confident in that interpretation! Confident arguments win marks. Through this, we understand that, despite Nowra and Harwood’s contrasting portrayals of discrepancy in identity, both are linked by the exploration of such discrepancies. Another good paragraph, slightly focused on retell instead of techniques though. However, the idea is well communicated and the concepts you've raised are excellent.
Great essay sssona! Great concepts in the response and these are linked well to the audience. Be careful you aren't being overly verbose in your introduction, and make sure you are using techniques in your analysis! Don't fall into "this character said/did this," that is retell, you want to explore techniques used by the composer and how they create meaning. Once you start focusing on characters you have shifted to a text focused response, which is not our goal!
Hope this feedback helps ;D
Post by: itssona on July 24, 2017, 10:05:55 am
Sure thing!Omg thank you so much Jamon!!! :)Thank you for pointing at the retell thing too - I'll work with this :DSpoilerHow do both composers use dramatisation to explore ideas about identity? Use Cosi and one Harwood poem of your own choosing.
At the crux of individuals’ intrinsic motivation, are continuous intersections of social integration in attempts to render a solidified reaffirmation of identity. Whoa - I think this Thesis is suffering a bit from being overly verbose. Get to the point a little more simply - There are definitely ways to get this across more clearly. Dramatisation techniques are used by composers to challenge prevailing notions surrounding this attainment of one’s identity and however different the dramatisation techniques in ‘Cosi’ by Louis Nowra, and ‘Father and Child’ by Gwen Harwood are, both are implicitly and explicitly connected by the exploration of individualism. I like how you bring in the examples fluently with the discussion of theme, works well. I'd maybe add "techniques in TEXTS SUCH AS 'Cosi'... though, for better flow.. Such composer intentions perpetuate beyond the relevance of social conformity, but rather, the necessitation of substantial interactions to undergo abolishment of pre-existing ideologies and thus, authentic redemption in identity. Slight expression issue there. Through a comparison of these texts, we understand that a quest to overcome the barriers to all semblance of individualism transcends textual differences, with the transformation of Lewis in ‘Cosi’, holding resemblance to the experimental growth of the persona in ‘Father and Child’. This Thesis has great ideas, but the wording is too complex to get the point across clearly. Vocabulary is great, but when you overdo it (which I think you've done here) it becomes a tad counterproductive.
Both composers characterise their respective personas as initial embodiments of naivety, later evolving into more distinctive personas, as they are met with interactions which alter their existing ideologies encompassing identity. What do you mean by more 'distinctive?' Besides that I like this Thesis, perhaps a tad text focused but works well on the whole. In ‘Cosi’, the examination of Lewis’ initial uncertainty reveals the way in which his thoughts initially mirror that of society at the time, with little of his personal reflection. His subsequent transformation in values is encapsulated in Louis Nowra’s utilisation of light, where changes in light reflect inherent changes in attitudes and symbolise the characters’ personal awareness. Good analysis, though perhaps a tad vague - Do you have a specific scene example where light is used to show a specific attitude? Initially in the play, Lewis is instilled with an unsound fear, depicted in the flickering fuse box, mirroring Lewis’ flickering uncertainty and lack of confidence. Careful you don't slip into retell. This lack of confidence in leading the play is further accentuated through examining the contextual divergence surrounding present-day views and the more neglectful attitudes towards the mentally ill at the time, where they were viewed as a minority and faced profound negligence. Not 100% sure of the link you just made there. Likewise, the persona in ‘Father and Child’ also undergoes a progression in values, stemming from an initial vulnerability and innocence. This shift in values is illustrated through the explicit construction of the poem into two separate poems, in which the latter poem ‘Nightfall’ exhibits a mournful tone. What about the first poem? If you are going to bring up this structural element it would be most effective to analyse it fully. The most dominant of Harwood’s dramatisation techniques is her incorporation of the natural world to convey philosophical elements within the construction of her poetry. The mournful tone in ‘Nightfall’ is accompanied by the portrayal of death as being calm, in the instance of her father, and violent, in terms of the owl’s death. What techniques portray this? The persona’s temptation to kill the owl, initially an act of rebellion, later hints at an underlying purpose extending beyond rebellion, but moreso- an awakening to the reality that death can bring forth knowledge. Try not to use plot elements or things happening/experienced by characters to portray themes. Should all go back to techniques. This is ultimately symbolic of the persona’s perception of growth and change and allows the reader to gain an understanding of how differing depictions of death can shape present ideologies. The two texts are therefore connected by notions of overcoming the struggle to establish a separate sense of identity, through meaningful interactions. Good paragraph, good ideas and good references to audience. Not the best analysis - Try and include more techniques!
Both texts explore the mutual concept of the association of one’s seemingly apparent nature, with their identity. Not quite sure what you mean by this concept - Nature associated with identity, might need to elaborate more? Through examining Lewis’ apprehensions surrounding working with Doug, a pyromaniac, we are led to see how the influence of textual ‘play’ can manipulate societal views on a subject matter. Try not to use plot elements to communicate themes. Embedded within ‘Cosi’ is the refined use of ‘black comedy’ as a theatrical form, to provide relief and deflect from seriousness through satirising sensitive issues in a comical context. Throughout the play, comical remarks are made by Doug, such as “go burn a cat”- an allusion to Doug ‘accidentally’ burning his mother’s house. Retelling a bit here - Don't just restate lines from the story and explain them. Doug further relates his crimes to being “perfect crimes”, where the placement of “perfect” and “crime” emphasise the lack of connection between action and consequences. There is some analysis here, but it seems more like you are just recounting what the character of Doug says. This is retell! The audience affirms to their common perceptions of pyromaniacs such as Doug, and subsequently draw upon the amorality accompanying his actions and that of other pyromaniacs, reflecting the instability with which one’s apparent traits are co-existent with their identity.This discussion of one’s identity being associated to their seemingly evident traits, is fundamental to both texts, in that Harwood also utilises several perspectives to comment on moral boundaries. Ahh, the way you've explained the concept is MUCH better here, I'd adapt this wording to use in the first sentence. Makes loads more sense. The complexity of gender roles surveys the possible interpretations undermining ‘Father and Child’, the notion permeating the truths surrounding the role of gender in one’s conceived identity. Gender is not specified in the poem, hinting that the persona may have acted in an act of defiance, to display their masculinity. Try to be sure of your arguments, use high modality language, don't say "may have" because it implies you are unsure of your own argument. If the persona is written through the interpersonal experiences of Harwood herself, the child can be seen as taking on the masculine role of her father- an act exceeding that of parents, but rather, delving into moral boundaries within society. Again, even if it is just your interpretation, be confident in that interpretation! Confident arguments win marks. Through this, we understand that, despite Nowra and Harwood’s contrasting portrayals of discrepancy in identity, both are linked by the exploration of such discrepancies. Another good paragraph, slightly focused on retell instead of techniques though. However, the idea is well communicated and the concepts you've raised are excellent.
Great essay sssona! Great concepts in the response and these are linked well to the audience. Be careful you aren't being overly verbose in your introduction, and make sure you are using techniques in your analysis! Don't fall into "this character said/did this," that is retell, you want to explore techniques used by the composer and how they create meaning. Once you start focusing on characters you have shifted to a text focused response, which is not our goal!
Hope this feedback helps ;D
Post by: phebsh on July 25, 2017, 08:59:54 pm
So I've got this assignment that I'm totally freaking out about simply because I don't feel like I know much about this module! It's been super hectic lately and I didn't get to read the text (Art of Travel) which I know is so terrible but I don't think I'll have time to and I don't know what to do! On top of my own confusion, my teacher has just changed and the new teacher decided to alter the assignment so I'm just not sure what I'm doing and I'm stressinggg :-\
I don't know if anyone here will be able to help me but I definitely wanted to seek help so I thought it was worth posting. I'll attach the alterations of the assignment and my plan of what I might want to do. (I don't have a soft copy of the original assessment sheet but the document I'm attaching outlines the task)
If no one is able to help out, I totally understand because it is a big ask. Thank you for reading this either way :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 26, 2017, 05:33:57 pm
Not to fear - you still have 48 hours to post your work and we will get to marking them even after the threads are locked (if there's backlog).
We'll still be here to help you during the trials with all of our Q+A threads, downloadable notes, thesis statement feedback and so on. Thanks for understanding! We're still here to help on all of the boards that aren't marking threads! :)
Post by: katemoses on July 26, 2017, 08:27:37 pm
Thanks
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2017, 09:09:23 pm
Hey I was just wondering if my module C essay is developed and sophisticated enough.
Thanks
Hi Kate, welcome to the forums! ;D
According to our essay marking rules (which you can read here) you'll need 25 posts on ATAR Notes to qualify for feedback in our marking threads. The markers are swamped right now and this is our way of prioritising :)
Keen to see you both posting around the forums! Let us know if we can help you find stuff ;D
Post by: Wales on July 27, 2017, 01:22:17 pm
“Composers may share similar concerns, but their contexts and values determine how these concerns are conveyed.
Discuss this above statement with close reference to the prescribed texts studies in the elective texts.
As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes as individuals are distanced from his profound works and become entrapped in pop culture, reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication and difficult for a postmodern audience to understand. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective of breaking the stereotype and transcending K3’s confines of the Elizabethan context and to introduce the relevance of Shakespeare in modern society. By comparing the transcending values of society; power, divinity and politics, the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context allowing for an enlightened understanding of the purpose of Shakespeare’s works today.
The integrity of human nature whilst innate is susceptible to change due shifting moral values in society. Shakespeare effectively integrates the Elizabethan notions of power and manipulation into his theatrical production Richard III to illustrate to the elizabethan audience the corrupting nature of power as a result of the War of the Roses. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s obsession with supremacy through the use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power allowing the audience to understand the inherent malicious intent of his actions. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s deformity capitalises the providential notion of determinism and effectively allows the Elizabethan audience to understand how Richard’s body was shaped advance to justify his lacking moral compass. Throughout the play the two prominent descriptions of Richard as “deformed” and “monstrous” can be a interpretive pattern where which take bodily anomalies as evidence for deeper moral truths. Shakespeare asserts the truth that Richard’s deformation are innate and reveals in the opening soliloquy where Richard describes himself as “rudely stamped” clearly alluding to his body as a manifestation of malevolence rather than a mere disability. By hyperbolising the hierarchical structures of the Elizabethan era, Shakespeare effectively reinforces the damaging ideology of power present in society, illustrating the importance of the relationship between context and its values.
Conversely, Pacino presents the play by appropriating Richard’s innate desire for power into a 20th century context. He guides the postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama which to an understanding Shakespeare’s works through his use of dramatic techniques such as rapid camera movements to signify tension between a desire for power and one’s sense of morality. In contemporary society power is defined as political prowess and the ability to manipulate the populace, which alludes to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in his dark costuming ultimately assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color in a visual medium appropriate to the context where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Furthermore the chiaroscuro lighting and Pacino’s role both as actor and director allow the audience to understand the portrayal of Richard’s power and duplicitous nature in a modern context . Pacino’s context of the 21st century contrasts the Shakespearean notion of justice of the Chain of Being with the postmodern ethnocentric context where power is instead limited by one’s moral compass. Pacino symbolises Richard’s autocratic power with the nd impunity in contrast to the fear divine retribution in Elizabethan era. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s representation of power and translates it into a salient textual medium for the contemporary audience to comprehend.
Throughout K3 the audience is conflicted as to how Richard is able to carry out his actions in the Elizabethan context where religious influence dominates conscience of the citizens. Conscience first appears with the religious allusions to the 10 Commandments “stealing, swearing and adultery” which signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable as a result of a fear of divine retribution. The notion of providentialism is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” revealing the overwhelming influence of God that extends to sinners and how they are still troubled by conscience. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers emphasises the complicit nature of Richard as one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. The theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies providentialism is inescapable enforced through Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” which capitalises upon the omnipotent nature of God. Ultimately the human conscience is explicitly displayed in K3 allowing the audience to understand the effect of religion on one’s actions and conscience in a theocentric society and the futility of attempting to escape the wrath of the divine.
Similarly, Pacino establishes the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions by contrasting divine retribution with the moral and ethical obligations of the secular modern day. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into a self centered ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society. Pacino engages the audience in the ghost scene with the dramatic music and lightning sound effects revealing the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of divine retribution is less prominent instead more directed at moral and ethical issues such as the Clinton scandals in 21st century America. Moreover, the appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the fear of societal judgement where the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates the contextual ideas of the Shakespeare’s notions of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience through film, capitalising on how one’s moral conscience is quintessential in shaping their relations and desires.
Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century they both present opportunities and challenges. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.
Appreciate the work you all do~ Apologies again for not being active recently. Trials and such ):
Post by: winstondarmawan on July 27, 2017, 05:20:52 pm
Hello! Would appreciate feedback for my Module B Essay for Speeches, this one is for Atwood and Lessing.Hi, just bumping my post from ages ago because I think it got missed :(Spoiler“How do speakers use construction and rhetoric to emphasise the importance of a shared vision?”
The mutual desire of speaker and audience to reside in a harmonious and egalitarian society, heightened in periods of conflict will formulate a shared vision. This vision encompasses collectively held values, such as the power of literature and the need for equality. The importance of these unanimous ideals is crystallised through a speech’s well-crafted arguments, laced with rhetoric to coordinate such arguments to the desired shared vision. Margaret Atwood’s Spotty Handed Villainesses (1994) and Dorris Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize (2007) champion the power of literature in fuelling holistic education through their effective use of rhetoric, prompting audiences to re-evaluate previously held beliefs and actualise the speaker’s proposed vision.
Literature, as an expression of the values and tropes that comprise our humanity, can have a large-scale influence on societal norms, testament to its importance and power. The birth of radical ‘third wave’ feminism invites Atwood to discuss various propositions, especially the representation of women in literature, to a primarily female audience. Bringing her acclaimed witty and acerbically satirical reputation into fruition through her tone, Atwood encapsulates the irony of wholly good or bad women through the motif of the ‘spots’ in the exordium. This establishes the danger of two-dimensional characters, ‘Create a flawless character and you create an insufferable one; which may be why I am interested in spots.’, dually enforcing the moral complexity of women, and the importance of literature. The dangers of misrepresentation in literature are further exhumed in the body, when youth are often inspired by fictional characters. Atwood astutely presents this through an anecdote, whereby she asks her daughter performing a play, “Are you going to do anything except have breakfast”, to which her daughter replies “no”, extrapolating from this an extended metaphor of the ‘eternal breakfast’. This eternal breakfast encapsulates the stereotypes placed amongst women, as two-dimensional, due to their misrepresentation in literature, again emphasising the power of literature to create misshapen stereotypes. As such, it is only when the power of literature is utilised to subvert these stereotypes and forward the representation of women as holistic that more explicit values such as equality can be pursued. Thus, Atwood places great emphasis on the power of literature, a shared value between herself and her majority widely-read and educated female audience to implant societal barriers onto women, and dangers of such when wholesome characters aren’t depicted.
Similar sentiments about power and importance of literature and the detriments of its absence are projected in Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize. A nation wrought with political instability and void of physical and mental resource, Lessing reflects on the barren Zimbabwe landscape as an extended metaphor for the absence of education based on literature. This is established immediately in the exordium where present tense in ‘I am standing’, inaugurating a sense of immediacy for the need for literature. The blunt anaphora and cumulation in ‘no atlas or globe in the school, no textbooks, no exercise books’ accentuates the importance of literature in providing fundamental education, painting the absence of such as a reflection of one’s environment. Exemplifying the lack of literature in impoverished nations, Lessing incorporates direct speech in ‘Please send us books when you get back to London’ one man says” to convey the desires of those unable to immerse themselves in literature, and despite Lessing and the audience having a shared vision in the importance of literature, the true extent of such a value may not be realised. The absence of literature can have significant implications, as literature is defined by Atwood as models of language and the human experience. As a result, many individuals in these nations are driven without moral, such as the ‘headmaster (who) has embezzled the school funds’, forging a cycle of demoralisation, affecting youth who will ‘steal chalk left out on the blackboard’. Lessing epitomises the shared vision of importance of literature through the anecdote of her youth, whereby she was brought up in ‘a mud hut, but it was full of books’, allowing her to be alleviated from the predicament of an impoverished lifestyle. As such, the shared vision between Lessing and her privileged audience about the importance of literature is elucidated, to ensure that her audience appreciates the prerogative of literature.
The shared vision of equality by speaker and audience is emphasised through the abolishment of the structures that promote inequality. In a society which yearns for egalitarianism, Atwood ensures to preface her speech in he exordium on equality rather than misandry, challenging a misconception that ‘bad behaviour is the monopoly of men’. This mindset, presented by radical feminists present women as ‘communal egalitarians’, incapable of performing bad deeds. The use of the adage ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ infuses a sense of irony into the arguments presented by radical feminists, as it contradicts the proposition of free will. By retorting against such statements, Atwood emphasises the importance of equality between men and women, depicting them as three-dimensional and complex beings. Furthermore, Atwood proposes that since the complexity of men in literature is well-articulated, the pursuit of equality involves painting women in a similar light. Hence, Atwood imparts with an imperative tone onto the audience the precondition of ‘conflict in a story’, and the input of a three-dimensional ‘female lead in the centre of this conflict’, to more accurately depict the complexity of women. Atwood’s shared vision of equality is evident in the development of complex female characters in modern literature and film, such as Hermione Granger and Katniss Everdeen, that act as a multiplex model of behaviour for youth, in essence uprooting the ingrained stereotypes of women and furthering society towards equality. As such, Atwood is able to effectively examine the shared vision of equality to with audience, imparting methods of writing which oppose the imbedded misrepresentation of women.
By heavily drawing on empathy, speakers prompt their audience to realise a shared vision of equality and its importance in creating a harmonious global society. Disparity in physical, economic and educational standards between global citizens is highlighted through Atwood’s extensive use of juxtaposition. After painting a blatantly bleak image of a corrupt and barren school in Zimbabwe, Lessing mentions “The next day I am to give a talk at a school in North London, a very good school… with beautiful buildings and gardens’, illuminating the present inequalities between these widely different societies. Further exerting the importance of equality, Lessing proposes the rhetorical questions ‘Is it really so impossible for these privileged students to imagine such bare poverty?’, provoking the audience to recognise such privilege, and hence emphasising the importance of a shared vision for equality. This shared vision is entrenched further into the minds of the audience, as Lessing exercises the use of inclusive pronouns in coup with a precautionary tone in ‘We all know this sad story. But we do not know the end of it’, foments the recognition of the true extent of inequalities existent, inducing empathy and the desire for global society based on equality. Therefore, Lessing is able to impart the shared vision of equality unto her audience through drawing on a sense of empathy.
Post by: frog1944 on July 27, 2017, 08:08:09 pm
If you get a chance it would be much appreciated if you could give me some feedback.
Module: B
Concern: Length. It is very long, and when there are 4 paragraphs of this size it becomes difficult to write in the allocated time. Also, if there is any other general critique to improve it.
Essay Question: Explore how time and place are used in the prescribed speeches to shape the audience’s understanding of how knowledge of the past sheds light on the present. In your response, make detailed reference to at least TWO of the speeches set for study.
Paragraph: Margaret Atwood’s speech “Spotty Handed Villainesses” (1994) addresses the abuse of literature to recognise only the male dominated portion of human experience throughout history, and thus, its failure to reflect the diversity of life and its moral intricacy as expressed by women. Delivered numerous times at literary events, Atwood’s discussion is clearly catalysed by the “third wave” of feminism in 1994, which targeted the need to abolish stereotypes and representing non-white women. Atwood begins to engage her intellectual audience through her conversational style of address coupled with her deceptively colloquial register, disarming the audience and opening them up to her didactic insights. Atwood’s opening concept of the dichotomy between virtuous and vile women is introduced through the historical allusion “... Angel/Whore split so popular among the Victorians…” This evidently displays that women in literature are portrayed as existing solely in two locations on the spectrum of morality, confronting the audience at such a limited and restricted view of women. As a result, we are perplexed at this seemingly obvious, yet undeniably subtle personality trait that seems to have been forced upon all textual representations of women. Though, Atwood continues to maintain focus through the irony “Were women to be condemned to virtue for life …”, expressing the ridiculous length of time for which multi-dimensional women have been devoid from literary texts. Finally, Atwood incorporates a rhetorical question “... they exist in life, so why shouldn’t they exist in literature?” The self evident absurdity of excluding women who are multifaceted from literature stamps the audience’s conscious, leaving a lasting impression and thus persuading the audience of Atwood’s viewpoint of the need to address the issue of female representation.
Thanks!
Post by: left right gn on July 27, 2017, 08:43:34 pm
My trials are coming up in 2 weeks, I've seen papers that ask for three poems to be used (Yeats , mod B).
If I get asked these types of questions, how do I structure and tackle it?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2017, 10:06:19 pm
Hi, just bumping my post from ages ago because I think it got missed :(
Indeed it did, sorry! I'll get this done asap :)
Post by: shamza on July 28, 2017, 09:13:49 am
Spoiler
Shakespeare “was not of an age, but for all time”, as exquisitely stated by Ben Johnson a critique of 17th century literature. Himself, you, the world, observed, examined and criticised Shakespeare and his plays. A deconstruct of the 16th century play ‘Hamlet’. This play undoubtedly holds universal relevance as it functions for deeper meaning of the human condition through the forms of Aristotelian genre, the characterisation allowing it to transcend contextual barriers and still be appreciated today. Shakespeare’s connection with dramatic techniques drills into the mine fields of entertainment and allows to relate to the audience and contemporary issues. The adaptation and creation of these paths have allowed Shakespeare to indulge into the minds of spectators to express the relevance of time and the integral issues of humanity still relevant today.
But why thou study it? Why thou decipher the struggles of 16th century? The corruption of Denmark does not bother the Young Australian I am today….
Contextual Influence is a major contributor in defining Shakespeare’s approach by two socio-cultural revolutions. The Protestant Reformation of 1526, a reformation of religion, a contemporary issue that still prevails today, and the emergence of the Renaissance humanism in the 15th century, the promotion of human excellence of literature and art. Are these not the thought processes of a post-modernist world? The absence of religion and appreciation of modern art in media and literature. Furthermore the sceptical strain of humanism, is emphasised by the limitation of human understanding. Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hamlet as a modern pessimist ‘renaissance man,’ who is cultured in the consequences of his action.
A Juxtapose can be seen with the existentialist perspective “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so” with more established religious values “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will” signifying Hamlet’s embodiment of contextual schisms, as the caesura in the middle of the quote creates a sense of balance that whether our divinity is shaped or are we ready to shape our-selves. As our young Hamlet realises that things are inevitable he explores Fatalism through the recognition of divine intervention and death and therefore discovers the idea that of controlling everything is incapable due to our pre-determined ‘ends’. This also bring the question to if God is so Good and Great, Why is there Evil? A relevant question asked by many atheists today, that is the result of loss of religion in our society. This is supported by Dwery’s reading of the play’s resolution, where he argues that “Hamlet recognises the inevitability of death, accepting his father’s death and recognising his own unavoidable fate”. The relevance to this is that we today need to value what we have now, Shakespeare teaches us to apprehend the present as it is gift, through its very own complex ways, and his plays also invite the questioning of existence and meaning, allowing for his text to have the highest order of textual integrity of 400 years old.
Hamlet is a play about tragedy, just like many other plays of Shakespeare. Most Nextflix specials and or shows include an element of tragedy. Our Play-Write effectively created a hybridised text that synthesized aspects of Kydian and Aristotelian conventions that demonstrated his innovative response to a Renaissance humanist context. Today we have creators Like Tyler, who is a great example of using different element influenced by the world within his mediums. The director Tarantino who has established his career by using aspects of other movies and idea to create his own. Though I am not saying Shakespeare is not original, his plays are the most original of kind, but what has made Shakespeare plays relevance to our society is the use of contemporary context and Kydian revenge which stresses the hesitation, of the avenger before the murder; Shakespeare’s realisation of this is revealed in rhetorical paralepsis when Hamlet claims, “To take him in the purging of his soul, when he is fit and seasoned for his passage? No. Up, sword.” This reinforces Hamlet’s introspective nature. The use of a Metatheatre is also popular to Kyddian tragedy – a popular feature evident in Hamlet with Hamlet’s play-within-a-play in the scene of the Mousetrap. The title of the play symbolises, the use of an attraction, to capture the King. The Kydian form easily enables Shakespeare to emphasise exceptional views giving credibility to the play. And the ultimate relevance to our society, as the play Hamlet allows for the understanding of revenge and its outcomes.
Life, that’s relevant, I live you live. Religion expresses life, our parents teach us about life. And now media and even the internet has pretty much raised me to the understanding of ‘life’. Further in depth analyses of Hamlets, demonstrates the paradigm of life. William my father for English literature has taught us the paradigm of a man’s journey through life. Hamlet mirrors the creation of Shakespeare ‘Seven Ages of Man’ from his works of “As you like it”. This begins with Hamlets childlike obsession and awe over his father death. An uncontrollable grief, like a tantrum. An adolescent lover in this stage he is always regretful for his rational reasons, solidifying statement is when he says “I lovers Ophelia; forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum” in a strategic hyperbole. The age of soldier, learn the lesson of fearsome death, and comes to a conflict of “to be or not to be” in his soliloquy he also claims of the “sleep of death” in which “Dreams come true”. His approach, to the existential question, childlike and further Hamlet lured by Horatio to sleep. And thereafter a fulfilment of tragedy, death. With Shakespeare’s use of the Brecht’s verfremdungseffekt the audience are able to delve into a deeper level of intellectual understanding of the process of life and initiation to combat such conflict with in the heart. This allows Shakespeare play, connected better with his audience, and create an own understanding of reality and meaning and acknowledging the transcendence and textual integrity to the play. This teaches the importance of Shakespeare as his plays have much more to offer then a mummy son issue.
Shakespeare’s integral play hamlet, is an important aspect to the young adults, to further develop their understanding of, humanities characteristic. His uses of contemporary issues, with integral transcendence, allows for us to learn the results of fatalism, the results of a revenge tragedy, and the philosophy of the ‘Seven Ages of Man’. Shakespeare therefore plays an important part in the education system to help the understanding of humanities flaws.
But why thou study it? Why thou decipher the struggles of 16th century? The corruption of Denmark does not bother the Young Australian I am today….
Contextual Influence is a major contributor in defining Shakespeare’s approach by two socio-cultural revolutions. The Protestant Reformation of 1526, a reformation of religion, a contemporary issue that still prevails today, and the emergence of the Renaissance humanism in the 15th century, the promotion of human excellence of literature and art. Are these not the thought processes of a post-modernist world? The absence of religion and appreciation of modern art in media and literature. Furthermore the sceptical strain of humanism, is emphasised by the limitation of human understanding. Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hamlet as a modern pessimist ‘renaissance man,’ who is cultured in the consequences of his action.
A Juxtapose can be seen with the existentialist perspective “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so” with more established religious values “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will” signifying Hamlet’s embodiment of contextual schisms, as the caesura in the middle of the quote creates a sense of balance that whether our divinity is shaped or are we ready to shape our-selves. As our young Hamlet realises that things are inevitable he explores Fatalism through the recognition of divine intervention and death and therefore discovers the idea that of controlling everything is incapable due to our pre-determined ‘ends’. This also bring the question to if God is so Good and Great, Why is there Evil? A relevant question asked by many atheists today, that is the result of loss of religion in our society. This is supported by Dwery’s reading of the play’s resolution, where he argues that “Hamlet recognises the inevitability of death, accepting his father’s death and recognising his own unavoidable fate”. The relevance to this is that we today need to value what we have now, Shakespeare teaches us to apprehend the present as it is gift, through its very own complex ways, and his plays also invite the questioning of existence and meaning, allowing for his text to have the highest order of textual integrity of 400 years old.
Hamlet is a play about tragedy, just like many other plays of Shakespeare. Most Nextflix specials and or shows include an element of tragedy. Our Play-Write effectively created a hybridised text that synthesized aspects of Kydian and Aristotelian conventions that demonstrated his innovative response to a Renaissance humanist context. Today we have creators Like Tyler, who is a great example of using different element influenced by the world within his mediums. The director Tarantino who has established his career by using aspects of other movies and idea to create his own. Though I am not saying Shakespeare is not original, his plays are the most original of kind, but what has made Shakespeare plays relevance to our society is the use of contemporary context and Kydian revenge which stresses the hesitation, of the avenger before the murder; Shakespeare’s realisation of this is revealed in rhetorical paralepsis when Hamlet claims, “To take him in the purging of his soul, when he is fit and seasoned for his passage? No. Up, sword.” This reinforces Hamlet’s introspective nature. The use of a Metatheatre is also popular to Kyddian tragedy – a popular feature evident in Hamlet with Hamlet’s play-within-a-play in the scene of the Mousetrap. The title of the play symbolises, the use of an attraction, to capture the King. The Kydian form easily enables Shakespeare to emphasise exceptional views giving credibility to the play. And the ultimate relevance to our society, as the play Hamlet allows for the understanding of revenge and its outcomes.
Life, that’s relevant, I live you live. Religion expresses life, our parents teach us about life. And now media and even the internet has pretty much raised me to the understanding of ‘life’. Further in depth analyses of Hamlets, demonstrates the paradigm of life. William my father for English literature has taught us the paradigm of a man’s journey through life. Hamlet mirrors the creation of Shakespeare ‘Seven Ages of Man’ from his works of “As you like it”. This begins with Hamlets childlike obsession and awe over his father death. An uncontrollable grief, like a tantrum. An adolescent lover in this stage he is always regretful for his rational reasons, solidifying statement is when he says “I lovers Ophelia; forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum” in a strategic hyperbole. The age of soldier, learn the lesson of fearsome death, and comes to a conflict of “to be or not to be” in his soliloquy he also claims of the “sleep of death” in which “Dreams come true”. His approach, to the existential question, childlike and further Hamlet lured by Horatio to sleep. And thereafter a fulfilment of tragedy, death. With Shakespeare’s use of the Brecht’s verfremdungseffekt the audience are able to delve into a deeper level of intellectual understanding of the process of life and initiation to combat such conflict with in the heart. This allows Shakespeare play, connected better with his audience, and create an own understanding of reality and meaning and acknowledging the transcendence and textual integrity to the play. This teaches the importance of Shakespeare as his plays have much more to offer then a mummy son issue.
Shakespeare’s integral play hamlet, is an important aspect to the young adults, to further develop their understanding of, humanities characteristic. His uses of contemporary issues, with integral transcendence, allows for us to learn the results of fatalism, the results of a revenge tragedy, and the philosophy of the ‘Seven Ages of Man’. Shakespeare therefore plays an important part in the education system to help the understanding of humanities flaws.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Post by: Wales on July 28, 2017, 09:43:10 am
Hello,
My trials are coming up in 2 weeks, I've seen papers that ask for three poems to be used (Yeats , mod B).
If I get asked these types of questions, how do I structure and tackle it?
I did this for my Half Yearlies.
I did:
Intro
Poem 1
Poem 2
Poem 3
Conclusion
I'm really hoping I don't get a specified poem question ):
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2017, 11:48:02 am
Hello! Would appreciate feedback for my Module B Essay for Speeches, this one is for Atwood and Lessing.
Sure thing!
Spoiler
“How do speakers use construction and rhetoric to emphasise the importance of a shared vision?”
The mutual desire of speaker and audience to reside in a harmonious and egalitarian society, heightened in periods of conflict will formulate a shared vision. This vision encompasses collectively held values, such as the power of literature and the need for equality. The importance of these unanimous ideals is crystallised through a speech’s well-crafted arguments, laced with rhetoric to coordinate such arguments to the desired shared vision. I like this Thesis! It is interesting, essentially you are saying that speakers use rhetoric to capitalise on what are actually shared visions of peace and harmony, I've not seen this before! I think it could stand to be simplified though, the wording is just the slightest bit off to mine. Margaret Atwood’s Spotty Handed Villainesses (1994) and Dorris Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize (2007) champion the power of literature in fuelling holistic education through their effective use of rhetoric, prompting audiences to re-evaluate previously held beliefs and actualise the speaker’s proposed vision. Cool introduction - Answers the question, introduces the texts and themes nicely. Works well.
Literature, as an expression of the values and tropes that comprise our humanity, can have a large-scale influence on societal norms, testament to its importance and power. Good. The birth of radical ‘third wave’ feminism invites Atwood to discuss various propositions, especially the representation of women in literature, to a primarily female audience. Good recognition of the audience. Bringing her acclaimed witty and acerbically satirical reputation into fruition through her tone, Atwood encapsulates the irony of wholly good or bad women through the motif of the ‘spots’ in the exordium. This establishes the danger of two-dimensional characters, ‘Create a flawless character and you create an insufferable one; which may be why I am interested in spots.’, dually enforcing the moral complexity of women, and the importance of literature. Excellent analysis here, very fluid, this works brilliantly. The dangers of misrepresentation in literature are further exhumed in the body, when youth are often inspired by fictional characters. Atwood astutely presents this through an anecdote, whereby she asks her daughter performing a play, “Are you going to do anything except have breakfast”, to which her daughter replies “no”, extrapolating from this an extended metaphor of the ‘eternal breakfast’. Be careful you don't rely too much on the CONTENT of the speech to do your analysis, you are sort of stepping through a recount of the speech here. Just say "the extended metaphor of the 'eternal breakfast' communicates..." This eternal breakfast encapsulates the stereotypes placed amongst women, as two-dimensional, due to their misrepresentation in literature, again emphasising the power of literature to create misshapen stereotypes. As such, it is only when the power of literature is utilised to subvert these stereotypes and forward the representation of women as holistic that more explicit values such as equality can be pursued. Thus, Atwood places great emphasis on the power of literature, a shared value between herself and her majority widely-read and educated female audience to implant societal barriers onto women, and dangers of such when wholesome characters aren’t depicted. Fantastic analysis in this paragraph, but I'd love to see you adjust the wording slightly to be MORE succinct and get just one more quote and analysis in there.
Similar sentiments about power and importance of literature and the detriments of its absence are projected in Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize. A nation wrought with political instability and void of physical and mental resource, Lessing reflects on the barren Zimbabwe landscape as an extended metaphor for the absence of education based on literature. Great pattern you've fallen into, here's the theme and here's the context. This is established immediately in the exordium where present tense in ‘I am standing’, inaugurating a sense of immediacy for the need for literature. The blunt anaphora and cumulation in ‘no atlas or globe in the school, no textbooks, no exercise books’ accentuates the importance of literature in providing fundamental education, painting the absence of such as a reflection of one’s environment. Excellent. Exemplifying the lack of literature in impoverished nations, Lessing incorporates direct speech in ‘Please send us books when you get back to London’ one man says” to convey the desires of those unable to immerse themselves in literature, and despite Lessing and the audience having a shared vision in the importance of literature, the true extent of such a value may not be realised. The absence of literature can have significant implications, as literature is defined by Atwood as models of language and the human experience. As a result, many individuals in these nations are driven without moral, such as the ‘headmaster (who) has embezzled the school funds’, forging a cycle of demoralisation, affecting youth who will ‘steal chalk left out on the blackboard’. Ever so slightly slipping away from analysis here - The first part of the paragraph was perfect, this is a little more 'retell-esque.' Lessing epitomises the shared vision of importance of literature through the anecdote of her youth, whereby she was brought up in ‘a mud hut, but it was full of books’, allowing her to be alleviated from the predicament of an impoverished lifestyle. As such, the shared vision between Lessing and her privileged audience about the importance of literature is elucidated, to ensure that her audience appreciates the prerogative of literature. Excellent paragraph once again, this one gets the amount of analysis in that I would want to see. Could still do a bit with the back end of the paragraph to make it a little more succinct.
The shared vision of equality by speaker and audience is emphasised through the abolishment of the structures that promote inequality. In a society which yearns for egalitarianism, Atwood ensures to preface her speech in he exordium on equality rather than misandry, challenging a misconception that ‘bad behaviour is the monopoly of men’. This mindset, presented by radical feminists present women as ‘communal egalitarians’, incapable of performing bad deeds. Slight wording issue there? Doesn't quite read nicely. The use of the adage ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ infuses a sense of irony into the arguments presented by radical feminists, as it contradicts the proposition of free will. By retorting against such statements, Atwood emphasises the importance of equality between men and women, depicting them as three-dimensional and complex beings. Nice analysis, though it seems you might be doing a little too much work to make it relevant. The prior paragraph got the point across in a single sentence per quote, that is what you should strive for!. Furthermore, Atwood proposes that since the complexity of men in literature is well-articulated, the pursuit of equality involves painting women in a similar light. Hence, Atwood imparts with an imperative tone onto the audience the precondition of ‘conflict in a story’, and the input of a three-dimensional ‘female lead in the centre of this conflict’, to more accurately depict the complexity of women. Atwood’s shared vision of equality is evident in the development of complex female characters in modern literature and film, such as Hermione Granger and Katniss Everdeen, that act as a multiplex model of behaviour for youth, in essence uprooting the ingrained stereotypes of women and furthering society towards equality. Nice contextual link.As such, Atwood is able to effectively examine the shared vision of equality to with audience, imparting methods of writing which oppose the imbedded misrepresentation of women. The analysis here is good, perhaps a little weaker than the prior paragraphs. Less textual evidence since you are spending longer explaining things, try to be a little more succinct to squeeze more in, if you can. You've really only got two techniques in this paragraph, aim for at least three solid techniques/analysis.
By heavily drawing on empathy, speakers prompt their audience to realise a shared vision of equality and its importance in creating a harmonious global society. Disparity in physical, economic and educational standards between global citizens is highlighted through Atwood’s extensive use of juxtaposition. Supposed to be Lessing here? After painting a blatantly bleak image of a corrupt and barren school in Zimbabwe, Lessing mentions “The next day I am to give a talk at a school in North London, a very good school… with beautiful buildings and gardens’, illuminating the present inequalities between these widely different societies. What technique is this? Perhaps delve into how the image of the school is painted? Further exerting the importance of equality, Lessing proposes the rhetorical questions ‘Is it really so impossible for these privileged students to imagine such bare poverty?’, provoking the audience to recognise such privilege, and hence emphasising the importance of a shared vision for equality. Good, I like that you actually consider the impact of the specific technique used. This shared vision is entrenched further into the minds of the audience, as Lessing exercises the use of inclusive pronouns in coup with a precautionary tone in ‘We all know this sad story. But we do not know the end of it’, foments the recognition of the true extent of inequalities existent, inducing empathy and the desire for global society based on equality. Therefore, Lessing is able to impart the shared vision of equality unto her audience through drawing on a sense of empathy. Another good paragraph, but again it could be made better by being a little more succinct and adding more techniques - You slipped a bit into retell in places.
The mutual desire of speaker and audience to reside in a harmonious and egalitarian society, heightened in periods of conflict will formulate a shared vision. This vision encompasses collectively held values, such as the power of literature and the need for equality. The importance of these unanimous ideals is crystallised through a speech’s well-crafted arguments, laced with rhetoric to coordinate such arguments to the desired shared vision. I like this Thesis! It is interesting, essentially you are saying that speakers use rhetoric to capitalise on what are actually shared visions of peace and harmony, I've not seen this before! I think it could stand to be simplified though, the wording is just the slightest bit off to mine. Margaret Atwood’s Spotty Handed Villainesses (1994) and Dorris Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize (2007) champion the power of literature in fuelling holistic education through their effective use of rhetoric, prompting audiences to re-evaluate previously held beliefs and actualise the speaker’s proposed vision. Cool introduction - Answers the question, introduces the texts and themes nicely. Works well.
Literature, as an expression of the values and tropes that comprise our humanity, can have a large-scale influence on societal norms, testament to its importance and power. Good. The birth of radical ‘third wave’ feminism invites Atwood to discuss various propositions, especially the representation of women in literature, to a primarily female audience. Good recognition of the audience. Bringing her acclaimed witty and acerbically satirical reputation into fruition through her tone, Atwood encapsulates the irony of wholly good or bad women through the motif of the ‘spots’ in the exordium. This establishes the danger of two-dimensional characters, ‘Create a flawless character and you create an insufferable one; which may be why I am interested in spots.’, dually enforcing the moral complexity of women, and the importance of literature. Excellent analysis here, very fluid, this works brilliantly. The dangers of misrepresentation in literature are further exhumed in the body, when youth are often inspired by fictional characters. Atwood astutely presents this through an anecdote, whereby she asks her daughter performing a play, “Are you going to do anything except have breakfast”, to which her daughter replies “no”, extrapolating from this an extended metaphor of the ‘eternal breakfast’. Be careful you don't rely too much on the CONTENT of the speech to do your analysis, you are sort of stepping through a recount of the speech here. Just say "the extended metaphor of the 'eternal breakfast' communicates..." This eternal breakfast encapsulates the stereotypes placed amongst women, as two-dimensional, due to their misrepresentation in literature, again emphasising the power of literature to create misshapen stereotypes. As such, it is only when the power of literature is utilised to subvert these stereotypes and forward the representation of women as holistic that more explicit values such as equality can be pursued. Thus, Atwood places great emphasis on the power of literature, a shared value between herself and her majority widely-read and educated female audience to implant societal barriers onto women, and dangers of such when wholesome characters aren’t depicted. Fantastic analysis in this paragraph, but I'd love to see you adjust the wording slightly to be MORE succinct and get just one more quote and analysis in there.
Similar sentiments about power and importance of literature and the detriments of its absence are projected in Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize. A nation wrought with political instability and void of physical and mental resource, Lessing reflects on the barren Zimbabwe landscape as an extended metaphor for the absence of education based on literature. Great pattern you've fallen into, here's the theme and here's the context. This is established immediately in the exordium where present tense in ‘I am standing’, inaugurating a sense of immediacy for the need for literature. The blunt anaphora and cumulation in ‘no atlas or globe in the school, no textbooks, no exercise books’ accentuates the importance of literature in providing fundamental education, painting the absence of such as a reflection of one’s environment. Excellent. Exemplifying the lack of literature in impoverished nations, Lessing incorporates direct speech in ‘Please send us books when you get back to London’ one man says” to convey the desires of those unable to immerse themselves in literature, and despite Lessing and the audience having a shared vision in the importance of literature, the true extent of such a value may not be realised. The absence of literature can have significant implications, as literature is defined by Atwood as models of language and the human experience. As a result, many individuals in these nations are driven without moral, such as the ‘headmaster (who) has embezzled the school funds’, forging a cycle of demoralisation, affecting youth who will ‘steal chalk left out on the blackboard’. Ever so slightly slipping away from analysis here - The first part of the paragraph was perfect, this is a little more 'retell-esque.' Lessing epitomises the shared vision of importance of literature through the anecdote of her youth, whereby she was brought up in ‘a mud hut, but it was full of books’, allowing her to be alleviated from the predicament of an impoverished lifestyle. As such, the shared vision between Lessing and her privileged audience about the importance of literature is elucidated, to ensure that her audience appreciates the prerogative of literature. Excellent paragraph once again, this one gets the amount of analysis in that I would want to see. Could still do a bit with the back end of the paragraph to make it a little more succinct.
The shared vision of equality by speaker and audience is emphasised through the abolishment of the structures that promote inequality. In a society which yearns for egalitarianism, Atwood ensures to preface her speech in he exordium on equality rather than misandry, challenging a misconception that ‘bad behaviour is the monopoly of men’. This mindset, presented by radical feminists present women as ‘communal egalitarians’, incapable of performing bad deeds. Slight wording issue there? Doesn't quite read nicely. The use of the adage ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ infuses a sense of irony into the arguments presented by radical feminists, as it contradicts the proposition of free will. By retorting against such statements, Atwood emphasises the importance of equality between men and women, depicting them as three-dimensional and complex beings. Nice analysis, though it seems you might be doing a little too much work to make it relevant. The prior paragraph got the point across in a single sentence per quote, that is what you should strive for!. Furthermore, Atwood proposes that since the complexity of men in literature is well-articulated, the pursuit of equality involves painting women in a similar light. Hence, Atwood imparts with an imperative tone onto the audience the precondition of ‘conflict in a story’, and the input of a three-dimensional ‘female lead in the centre of this conflict’, to more accurately depict the complexity of women. Atwood’s shared vision of equality is evident in the development of complex female characters in modern literature and film, such as Hermione Granger and Katniss Everdeen, that act as a multiplex model of behaviour for youth, in essence uprooting the ingrained stereotypes of women and furthering society towards equality. Nice contextual link.As such, Atwood is able to effectively examine the shared vision of equality to with audience, imparting methods of writing which oppose the imbedded misrepresentation of women. The analysis here is good, perhaps a little weaker than the prior paragraphs. Less textual evidence since you are spending longer explaining things, try to be a little more succinct to squeeze more in, if you can. You've really only got two techniques in this paragraph, aim for at least three solid techniques/analysis.
By heavily drawing on empathy, speakers prompt their audience to realise a shared vision of equality and its importance in creating a harmonious global society. Disparity in physical, economic and educational standards between global citizens is highlighted through Atwood’s extensive use of juxtaposition. Supposed to be Lessing here? After painting a blatantly bleak image of a corrupt and barren school in Zimbabwe, Lessing mentions “The next day I am to give a talk at a school in North London, a very good school… with beautiful buildings and gardens’, illuminating the present inequalities between these widely different societies. What technique is this? Perhaps delve into how the image of the school is painted? Further exerting the importance of equality, Lessing proposes the rhetorical questions ‘Is it really so impossible for these privileged students to imagine such bare poverty?’, provoking the audience to recognise such privilege, and hence emphasising the importance of a shared vision for equality. Good, I like that you actually consider the impact of the specific technique used. This shared vision is entrenched further into the minds of the audience, as Lessing exercises the use of inclusive pronouns in coup with a precautionary tone in ‘We all know this sad story. But we do not know the end of it’, foments the recognition of the true extent of inequalities existent, inducing empathy and the desire for global society based on equality. Therefore, Lessing is able to impart the shared vision of equality unto her audience through drawing on a sense of empathy. Another good paragraph, but again it could be made better by being a little more succinct and adding more techniques - You slipped a bit into retell in places.
Overall, this is a fantastic essay! Very well written, clearly structured argument that answers the question, really nicely done!! Some paragraphs are definitely stronger than others (your 2nd is fantastic), you'd benefit from adding more techniques/analysis into the others to bring everything into a bit of a better balance. You've got 5 techniques/sets of techniques in that 2nd paragraph, aim to get there every time! A few bits of retell/less analytical sections I've indicated, those can come out to make room if you choose. Be sure to conclude your essay correctly, even with a sentence or two at the end just to restate your Thesis and bring everything together!
Excellent essay, great stuff ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2017, 12:55:49 pm
Heyy
So I've got this assignment that I'm totally freaking out about simply because I don't feel like I know much about this module! It's been super hectic lately and I didn't get to read the text (Art of Travel) which I know is so terrible but I don't think I'll have time to and I don't know what to do! On top of my own confusion, my teacher has just changed and the new teacher decided to alter the assignment so I'm just not sure what I'm doing and I'm stressinggg :-\
I don't know if anyone here will be able to help me but I definitely wanted to seek help so I thought it was worth posting. I'll attach the alterations of the assignment and my plan of what I might want to do. (I don't have a soft copy of the original assessment sheet but the document I'm attaching outlines the task)
If no one is able to help out, I totally understand because it is a big ask. Thank you for reading this either way :)
Hey hey! ;D hope you don't mind I moved this to the marking thread, just so I knew it was with everything else on the list to be looked at - It won't count towards your post count or anything like that. So a few comments based on the task and your plan:
- Great to see you are considering the Module. Be sure to read this guide for a breakdown of what is expected of you in Module C. Obviously you are creating a pamphlet not an essay, but it should be helpful nonetheless!
- I think the headings you've chosen aren't quite what the task is asking for - It seems to want you to explore themes/concepts. The first two work, though perhaps slightly similar (you could group under "The impacts landscapes have on individuals?") the third isn't quite a theme related to People and Landscapes. It is more of an analysis of the texts themselves, how structure impacts the themes. It might need to be reworked based on the suggestions you were given - I know the task says you can have it separate but I personally think it would work better threaded through! Take your pick though :)
- When you lay out the pamphlet, you'll have the same heading for AoT and your related (overlapping themes). Make this overlap clear and put the two next to each other, perhaps even grouped together some other way? It seems they want it separate, but make sure the link is obvious between the two texts :)
- Approach each section a bit like an essay, but perhaps in dot point form with the following structure:
Art of Travel communicates the following about how landscapes impact individuals:
- ___________: As communicated by TECHNIQUE in the quote "_____________."
This is overly simplistic and you can tweak it, but I think that is roughly what you should aim for! Then maybe even, under each heading, have a bubble for the structure stuff so they know you are covering it? Oh, and don't be afraid to use diagrams to explain your ideas! It seems like the criteria would like that ;D
Bit of a brain dump, but I hope it helps! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2017, 01:00:05 pm
Hey I was just wondering if my module C essay is developed and sophisticated enough.
Thanks
Hey, This is a essay on hamlet Shakespeare, and the reason to why it is still relevant today.
Hey, welcome to the forums guys!! Thanks for posting your responses. Our essay marking rules require you to have 25 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece you'd like marked. The marking threads are crazy for Trials right now and this is our way of prioritising - You'll build it up in no time! Hope to see you posting around the forums more! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2017, 01:09:21 pm
Hi,
If you get a chance it would be much appreciated if you could give me some feedback.
Sure thing!! Feedback in bold in the paragraph ;D
Essay Question: Explore how time and place are used in the prescribed speeches to shape the audience’s understanding of how knowledge of the past sheds light on the present. In your response, make detailed reference to at least TWO of the speeches set for study.
Paragraph: Margaret Atwood’s speech “Spotty Handed Villainesses” (1994) addresses the abuse of literature to recognise only the male dominated portion of human experience throughout history, and thus, its failure to reflect the diversity of life and its moral intricacy as expressed by women. Good concept - If you are worried about word count, this could definitely be expressed more simply and more directly. Delivered numerous times at literary events, Atwood’s discussion is clearly catalysed by the “third wave” of feminism in 1994, which targeted the need to abolish stereotypes and representing non-white women. First part of that sentence is unnecessary if you are concerned about length. Atwood begins to engage her intellectual audience through her conversational style of address coupled with her deceptively colloquial register, disarming the audience and opening them up to her didactic insights. Excellent. Atwood’s opening concept of the dichotomy between virtuous and vile women is introduced through the historical allusion “... Angel/Whore split so popular among the Victorians…” This evidently displays that women in literature are portrayed as existing solely in two locations on the spectrum of morality, confronting the audience at such a limited and restricted view of women. Work on condensing your analysis into single sentences, "Atwood communicates the dichotomy between virtuous and vile women through historical allusion to the "angel/whore split," confronting the audience with the black/white moral representation of woman throughout history." That's how I'd do it. As a result, we are perplexed at this seemingly obvious, yet undeniably subtle personality trait that seems to have been forced upon all textual representations of women. Still explaining the one quote - Definitely no more than two sentences per quote, and again, ideally one. Though, Atwood continues to maintain focus through the irony “Were women to be condemned to virtue for life …”, expressing the ridiculous length of time for which multi-dimensional women have been devoid from literary texts. Take out the "continued" bit, just say "Atwood uses irony to achieve ________." Super direct. Finally, Atwood incorporates a rhetorical question “... they exist in life, so why shouldn’t they exist in literature?” The self evident absurdity of excluding women who are multifaceted from literature stamps the audience’s conscious, leaving a lasting impression and thus persuading the audience of Atwood’s viewpoint of the need to address the issue of female representation. Good conclusion.
Overall I think this paragraph does the right things!! I don't think it answers the question super well by itself but your Thesis might do some of that work in linking it together. I think it is about being really clever with your analysis, going more direct. You sort of explain where in the speech the technique sits in some spots, that's unnecessary. Besides that, just word adjustments - Chisel away at it, strive for one sentence analyses like I demonstrated for you in the middle there ;D
Post by: frog1944 on July 28, 2017, 04:01:04 pm
Post by: jakesilove on July 29, 2017, 01:37:16 pm
I've got 5 essays to do but I won't bombard you with em all as I'm fairly confident with the rest :) Would be appreciated if feedback could be given asap as the essays on tuesday!
“Composers may share similar concerns, but their contexts and values determine how these concerns are conveyed.
Discuss this above statement with close reference to the prescribed texts studies in the elective texts.
Appreciate the work you all do~ Apologies again for not being active recently. Trials and such ):
Hey Wales! Check out my comments below :)
Original essay
Spoiler
As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes as individuals are distanced from his profound works and become entrapped in pop culture, reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication and difficult for a postmodern audience to understand. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective of breaking the stereotype and transcending K3’s confines of the Elizabethan context and to introduce the relevance of Shakespeare in modern society. By comparing the transcending values of society; power, divinity and politics, the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context allowing for an enlightened understanding of the purpose of Shakespeare’s works today.
The integrity of human nature whilst innate is susceptible to change due shifting moral values in society. Shakespeare effectively integrates the Elizabethan notions of power and manipulation into his theatrical production Richard III to illustrate to the elizabethan audience the corrupting nature of power as a result of the War of the Roses. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s obsession with supremacy through the use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power allowing the audience to understand the inherent malicious intent of his actions. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s deformity capitalises the providential notion of determinism and effectively allows the Elizabethan audience to understand how Richard’s body was shaped advance to justify his lacking moral compass. Throughout the play the two prominent descriptions of Richard as “deformed” and “monstrous” can be a interpretive pattern where which take bodily anomalies as evidence for deeper moral truths. Shakespeare asserts the truth that Richard’s deformation are innate and reveals in the opening soliloquy where Richard describes himself as “rudely stamped” clearly alluding to his body as a manifestation of malevolence rather than a mere disability. By hyperbolising the hierarchical structures of the Elizabethan era, Shakespeare effectively reinforces the damaging ideology of power present in society, illustrating the importance of the relationship between context and its values.
Conversely, Pacino presents the play by appropriating Richard’s innate desire for power into a 20th century context. He guides the postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama which to an understanding Shakespeare’s works through his use of dramatic techniques such as rapid camera movements to signify tension between a desire for power and one’s sense of morality. In contemporary society power is defined as political prowess and the ability to manipulate the populace, which alludes to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in his dark costuming ultimately assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color in a visual medium appropriate to the context where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Furthermore the chiaroscuro lighting and Pacino’s role both as actor and director allow the audience to understand the portrayal of Richard’s power and duplicitous nature in a modern context . Pacino’s context of the 21st century contrasts the Shakespearean notion of justice of the Chain of Being with the postmodern ethnocentric context where power is instead limited by one’s moral compass. Pacino symbolises Richard’s autocratic power with the nd impunity in contrast to the fear divine retribution in Elizabethan era. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s representation of power and translates it into a salient textual medium for the contemporary audience to comprehend.
Throughout K3 the audience is conflicted as to how Richard is able to carry out his actions in the Elizabethan context where religious influence dominates conscience of the citizens. Conscience first appears with the religious allusions to the 10 Commandments “stealing, swearing and adultery” which signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable as a result of a fear of divine retribution. The notion of providentialism is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” revealing the overwhelming influence of God that extends to sinners and how they are still troubled by conscience. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers emphasises the complicit nature of Richard as one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. The theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies providentialism is inescapable enforced through Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” which capitalises upon the omnipotent nature of God. Ultimately the human conscience is explicitly displayed in K3 allowing the audience to understand the effect of religion on one’s actions and conscience in a theocentric society and the futility of attempting to escape the wrath of the divine.
Similarly, Pacino establishes the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions by contrasting divine retribution with the moral and ethical obligations of the secular modern day. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into a self centered ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society. Pacino engages the audience in the ghost scene with the dramatic music and lightning sound effects revealing the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of divine retribution is less prominent instead more directed at moral and ethical issues such as the Clinton scandals in 21st century America. Moreover, the appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the fear of societal judgement where the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates the contextual ideas of the Shakespeare’s notions of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience through film, capitalising on how one’s moral conscience is quintessential in shaping their relations and desires.
Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century they both present opportunities and challenges. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.
The integrity of human nature whilst innate is susceptible to change due shifting moral values in society. Shakespeare effectively integrates the Elizabethan notions of power and manipulation into his theatrical production Richard III to illustrate to the elizabethan audience the corrupting nature of power as a result of the War of the Roses. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s obsession with supremacy through the use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power allowing the audience to understand the inherent malicious intent of his actions. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s deformity capitalises the providential notion of determinism and effectively allows the Elizabethan audience to understand how Richard’s body was shaped advance to justify his lacking moral compass. Throughout the play the two prominent descriptions of Richard as “deformed” and “monstrous” can be a interpretive pattern where which take bodily anomalies as evidence for deeper moral truths. Shakespeare asserts the truth that Richard’s deformation are innate and reveals in the opening soliloquy where Richard describes himself as “rudely stamped” clearly alluding to his body as a manifestation of malevolence rather than a mere disability. By hyperbolising the hierarchical structures of the Elizabethan era, Shakespeare effectively reinforces the damaging ideology of power present in society, illustrating the importance of the relationship between context and its values.
Conversely, Pacino presents the play by appropriating Richard’s innate desire for power into a 20th century context. He guides the postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama which to an understanding Shakespeare’s works through his use of dramatic techniques such as rapid camera movements to signify tension between a desire for power and one’s sense of morality. In contemporary society power is defined as political prowess and the ability to manipulate the populace, which alludes to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in his dark costuming ultimately assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color in a visual medium appropriate to the context where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Furthermore the chiaroscuro lighting and Pacino’s role both as actor and director allow the audience to understand the portrayal of Richard’s power and duplicitous nature in a modern context . Pacino’s context of the 21st century contrasts the Shakespearean notion of justice of the Chain of Being with the postmodern ethnocentric context where power is instead limited by one’s moral compass. Pacino symbolises Richard’s autocratic power with the nd impunity in contrast to the fear divine retribution in Elizabethan era. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s representation of power and translates it into a salient textual medium for the contemporary audience to comprehend.
Throughout K3 the audience is conflicted as to how Richard is able to carry out his actions in the Elizabethan context where religious influence dominates conscience of the citizens. Conscience first appears with the religious allusions to the 10 Commandments “stealing, swearing and adultery” which signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable as a result of a fear of divine retribution. The notion of providentialism is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” revealing the overwhelming influence of God that extends to sinners and how they are still troubled by conscience. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers emphasises the complicit nature of Richard as one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. The theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies providentialism is inescapable enforced through Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” which capitalises upon the omnipotent nature of God. Ultimately the human conscience is explicitly displayed in K3 allowing the audience to understand the effect of religion on one’s actions and conscience in a theocentric society and the futility of attempting to escape the wrath of the divine.
Similarly, Pacino establishes the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions by contrasting divine retribution with the moral and ethical obligations of the secular modern day. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into a self centered ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society. Pacino engages the audience in the ghost scene with the dramatic music and lightning sound effects revealing the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of divine retribution is less prominent instead more directed at moral and ethical issues such as the Clinton scandals in 21st century America. Moreover, the appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the fear of societal judgement where the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates the contextual ideas of the Shakespeare’s notions of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience through film, capitalising on how one’s moral conscience is quintessential in shaping their relations and desires.
Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century they both present opportunities and challenges. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.
Essay with comments
Spoiler
“Composers may share similar concerns, but their contexts and values determine how these concerns are conveyed.
Discuss this above statement with close reference to the prescribed texts studies in the elective texts.
As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes as individuals are distanced from his profound works and become entrapped in pop culture, reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. I sort of get what you're trying to say, but I think there is a much better way of saying it. I also think that, for the first sentence of an essay, it could be a lot stronger. Similarly, I think the intro sentence needs to pointedly answer the questions, ideally using the words of the question. You don't need to mention your actual texts in your first sentence; rather, broadly describe your thesis in a sophisticated, comprehensible manner. Are you saying that the differences contexts and values between the time in which a composer writes their piece, and the time at which an audience experiences the work, creates an insurmountable barrier between author and audience? Can this barrier be torn down, or is this inherent in every text? Write out a thesis sentence, and use it here. I also think it is worth reading your sentences out loud; this above would do well with some minor edits/rewording, if you plan to keep it. William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication and difficult for a postmodern audience to understand. So, is the modern audience necessarily less 'sophisticated'? Or is it just that the content of sophistication has changed? Be careful not to insult your English teachers by suggesting they are incapable of understanding Shakespeare's texts! Still, I do have to admit that I agree with your thesis, and think it is very strong. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective How do you know this? Big claim. of breaking the stereotype and transcending K3’s confines of the Elizabethan context and to introduce the relevance of Shakespeare in modern society. By comparing the transcending values of society; power, divinity and politics, the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context allowing for an enlightened understanding of the purpose of Shakespeare’s works today.
Bloody fantastic. I totally understand your thesis, and it is a perfectly complex, and at the same time understandable, position to take.
However, I should understand that position straight away. Rather than 'build up' your thesis in your introduction (ie. Shakespeare is incomprehensible now because... however this obstacle may be surmounted by...) your intro sentence/sentences should clearly explain this to me. This of your texts, not as a means by which to DISCOVER your thesis, but PROOF for your thesis. ie. "This is my answer to the question. The best way for me to prove this is to investigate several works". Still, I think your introduction is strong, but could be much stronger with a few rewrites.
The integrity of human nature whilst innate is susceptible to change due shifting moral values in society. Read your sentences out loud.
There are several commas necessary in this first sentence; whereever you would pause, when reading out loud, you should put a comma. Shakespeare effectively integrates the Elizabethan notions of power and manipulation into his theatrical production Richard III to illustrate to the elizabethan audience the corrupting nature of power as a result of the War of the Roses. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s obsession with supremacy through the use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power allowing the audience to understand the inherent malicious intent of his actions. Super long sentence. Break it up, either by making it into two sentences or by introducing commas. Good content though, nice use of contextual analysis. Maybe write a brief half-sentence on what the War of the Roses is? ie. "as a result of the War of the Roses, which led to the ascendancy of Henry VII"
Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s deformity capitalises on the providential notion of determinism and effectively allows the Elizabethan audience to understand how Richard’s body was shaped advance to justify his lacking moral compass. I don't understand the second half o this sentence. Throughout the play the two prominent descriptions of Richard as “deformed” and “monstrous” can be an interpretive pattern where which ? take bodily anomalies as evidence for deeper moral truths. Use more 'technical' language here. Is it dehumanising? Illusory? Indicative? Symbolic? Shakespeare asserts the truth that Richard’s deformation are innate and reveals in the opening soliloquy where Richard describes himself as “rudely stamped” clearly alluding to his body as a manifestation of malevolence rather than a mere disability. Again, your sentences need to be cleaned up. Best advice is to read them outloud, and if you find yourself getting lost or confused, you've gone wrong somewhere. Still, your analysis of quotes is great, your use of quotes is great, and your integration of your analysis is great. By hyperbolising the hierarchical structures of the Elizabethan era, Shakespeare effectively reinforces the damaging ideology of power present in society, illustrating the importance of the relationship between context and its values.
My comments are mostly contained above. However, here's what it looks like; you've got great analysis, discussion of context etc. but then at the end of the paragraph, you realise you haven't answered the question. At that point, you chuck in the works 'context and values' to hope the marker doesn't notice. They will. Make sure to bring every piece of analysis back to the impact of context on authorship, and the experience of the composer. You have pretty much done this, but you should be reading every sentence and asking yourself 'have I answered the question?'. Even if you're not 100% sure that you have, you should be rewriting it to build your thesis.
Just to confirm, I'm mostly writing things that could be improved, because telling you how amazing you are isn't that helpful. There is plenty to be proud of in this essay; it's genuinely a great piece.
Conversely, Pacino presents the play by appropriating Richard’s innate desire for power into a 20th century context. Brilliant He guides the postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama which to an understanding Shakespeare’s works through his use of dramatic techniques such as rapid camera movements to signify tension between a desire for power and one’s sense of morality. That is one loaded sentence. Parts of it don't make sense. Again, you have a tendency towards long winded sentences that wear down a marker. Be careful of that In contemporary society power is defined as political prowess and the ability to manipulate the populace, which alludes to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Nice! Pacino manifests Richard's thirst for power in his dark costuming ultimately assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color in a visual medium appropriate to the context where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Ooft. Hopefully you get the point by now. Rework this into multiple sentences, and try not to use the same words multiple times (ie. Visual) Furthermore the chiaroscuro lighting Nice. Had to look this work up. and Pacino’s role both as actor and director allow the audience to understand the portrayal of Richard’s power and duplicitous nature in a modern context. Pacino’s context of the 21st century contrasts the Shakespearean notion of justice of the Chain of Being with the postmodern ethnocentric context where power is instead limited by one’s moral compass. Pacino symbolises Richard’s autocratic power with the nd impunity in contrast to the fear divine retribution in Elizabethan era. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s representation of power and translates it into a salient textual medium for the contemporary audience to comprehend.
Ok, good. It definitely answers the question, although not a HUGE amount of comparison was done. Looks like you're talking about one text, then the other. For all I know, the next paragraph is more of a comparison; if not, it should be, but ideally you'd be actively comparing the texts in EVERY paragraph.
You need to actually analyse the 'docudrama' to a greater extent. Use SPECIFIC visual techniques, quotes, camera angles. Rather than just listing them as you sometimes have above, you need to identify the importance of those specific techniques, and the impression that leaves to the audience. Remember, teachers are looking for techniques, and will probably just tick next to every technique that you include. Include more.
Throughout K3 the audience is conflicted as to how Richard is able to carry out his actions in the Elizabethan context where religious influence dominates conscience of the citizens. Are they? I thought the idea was that a modern audience COULDN'T understand the Elizabethan context, and so see K3 as outside of their comprehension? Or are you talking about an Elizabethan audience? Make this clearer. Conscience first appears with the religious allusions to the 10 Commandments “stealing, swearing and adultery” which signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable Don't like this colloquialism as a result of a fear of divine retribution. The notion of providentialism is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” revealing the overwhelming influence of God that extends to sinners and how they are still troubled by conscience. More specific analysis please! The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers emphasises the complicit nature of Richard as one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. The theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies providentialism is inescapable enforced through Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” which capitalises upon the omnipotent nature of God. Ultimately the human conscience is explicitly displayed in K3 allowing the audience to understand the effect of religion on one’s actions and conscience in a theocentric society and the futility of attempting to escape the wrath of the divine.
Similarly, Pacino establishes the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions by contrasting divine retribution with the moral and ethical obligations of the secular modern day. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into a self centered ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society. Hell. Yeah. This is comparison I've been looking for. Pacino engages the audience in the ghost scene with the dramatic music and lightning sound effects revealing the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of divine retribution is less prominent instead more directed at moral and ethical issues such as the Clinton scandals in 21st century America. Moreover, the appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the fear of societal judgement where the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates the contextual ideas of the Shakespeare’s notions of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience through film, capitalising on how one’s moral conscience is quintessential in shaping their relations and desires.
Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century they both present opportunities and challenges. Rework. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.
Overall, this is great. I think with a bit of work, or even just thought, you could improve it a lot. The thesis you discuss in the very first sentence, and the very last, don't really come through in your essay. A thesis does come through; the IMPORTANCE of context to textual analysis. However, the thesis you've posited (ie. the difficulty of a given audience to adequately understand the context other than their own) is definitely left by the wayside. Up to you how you want to approach this. All up, a great essay. Could probably use a bit more technique analysis, particularly in the visual text. Still, be proud, and feel ready for your upcoming exams. Congratulations :)
Discuss this above statement with close reference to the prescribed texts studies in the elective texts.
As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes as individuals are distanced from his profound works and become entrapped in pop culture, reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. I sort of get what you're trying to say, but I think there is a much better way of saying it. I also think that, for the first sentence of an essay, it could be a lot stronger. Similarly, I think the intro sentence needs to pointedly answer the questions, ideally using the words of the question. You don't need to mention your actual texts in your first sentence; rather, broadly describe your thesis in a sophisticated, comprehensible manner. Are you saying that the differences contexts and values between the time in which a composer writes their piece, and the time at which an audience experiences the work, creates an insurmountable barrier between author and audience? Can this barrier be torn down, or is this inherent in every text? Write out a thesis sentence, and use it here. I also think it is worth reading your sentences out loud; this above would do well with some minor edits/rewording, if you plan to keep it. William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication and difficult for a postmodern audience to understand. So, is the modern audience necessarily less 'sophisticated'? Or is it just that the content of sophistication has changed? Be careful not to insult your English teachers by suggesting they are incapable of understanding Shakespeare's texts! Still, I do have to admit that I agree with your thesis, and think it is very strong. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective How do you know this? Big claim. of breaking the stereotype and transcending K3’s confines of the Elizabethan context and to introduce the relevance of Shakespeare in modern society. By comparing the transcending values of society; power, divinity and politics, the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context allowing for an enlightened understanding of the purpose of Shakespeare’s works today.
Bloody fantastic. I totally understand your thesis, and it is a perfectly complex, and at the same time understandable, position to take.
However, I should understand that position straight away. Rather than 'build up' your thesis in your introduction (ie. Shakespeare is incomprehensible now because... however this obstacle may be surmounted by...) your intro sentence/sentences should clearly explain this to me. This of your texts, not as a means by which to DISCOVER your thesis, but PROOF for your thesis. ie. "This is my answer to the question. The best way for me to prove this is to investigate several works". Still, I think your introduction is strong, but could be much stronger with a few rewrites.
The integrity of human nature whilst innate is susceptible to change due shifting moral values in society. Read your sentences out loud.
There are several commas necessary in this first sentence; whereever you would pause, when reading out loud, you should put a comma. Shakespeare effectively integrates the Elizabethan notions of power and manipulation into his theatrical production Richard III to illustrate to the elizabethan audience the corrupting nature of power as a result of the War of the Roses. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s obsession with supremacy through the use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power allowing the audience to understand the inherent malicious intent of his actions. Super long sentence. Break it up, either by making it into two sentences or by introducing commas. Good content though, nice use of contextual analysis. Maybe write a brief half-sentence on what the War of the Roses is? ie. "as a result of the War of the Roses, which led to the ascendancy of Henry VII"
Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s deformity capitalises on the providential notion of determinism and effectively allows the Elizabethan audience to understand how Richard’s body was shaped advance to justify his lacking moral compass. I don't understand the second half o this sentence. Throughout the play the two prominent descriptions of Richard as “deformed” and “monstrous” can be an interpretive pattern where which ? take bodily anomalies as evidence for deeper moral truths. Use more 'technical' language here. Is it dehumanising? Illusory? Indicative? Symbolic? Shakespeare asserts the truth that Richard’s deformation are innate and reveals in the opening soliloquy where Richard describes himself as “rudely stamped” clearly alluding to his body as a manifestation of malevolence rather than a mere disability. Again, your sentences need to be cleaned up. Best advice is to read them outloud, and if you find yourself getting lost or confused, you've gone wrong somewhere. Still, your analysis of quotes is great, your use of quotes is great, and your integration of your analysis is great. By hyperbolising the hierarchical structures of the Elizabethan era, Shakespeare effectively reinforces the damaging ideology of power present in society, illustrating the importance of the relationship between context and its values.
My comments are mostly contained above. However, here's what it looks like; you've got great analysis, discussion of context etc. but then at the end of the paragraph, you realise you haven't answered the question. At that point, you chuck in the works 'context and values' to hope the marker doesn't notice. They will. Make sure to bring every piece of analysis back to the impact of context on authorship, and the experience of the composer. You have pretty much done this, but you should be reading every sentence and asking yourself 'have I answered the question?'. Even if you're not 100% sure that you have, you should be rewriting it to build your thesis.
Just to confirm, I'm mostly writing things that could be improved, because telling you how amazing you are isn't that helpful. There is plenty to be proud of in this essay; it's genuinely a great piece.
Conversely, Pacino presents the play by appropriating Richard’s innate desire for power into a 20th century context. Brilliant He guides the postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama which to an understanding Shakespeare’s works through his use of dramatic techniques such as rapid camera movements to signify tension between a desire for power and one’s sense of morality. That is one loaded sentence. Parts of it don't make sense. Again, you have a tendency towards long winded sentences that wear down a marker. Be careful of that In contemporary society power is defined as political prowess and the ability to manipulate the populace, which alludes to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Nice! Pacino manifests Richard's thirst for power in his dark costuming ultimately assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color in a visual medium appropriate to the context where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Ooft. Hopefully you get the point by now. Rework this into multiple sentences, and try not to use the same words multiple times (ie. Visual) Furthermore the chiaroscuro lighting Nice. Had to look this work up. and Pacino’s role both as actor and director allow the audience to understand the portrayal of Richard’s power and duplicitous nature in a modern context. Pacino’s context of the 21st century contrasts the Shakespearean notion of justice of the Chain of Being with the postmodern ethnocentric context where power is instead limited by one’s moral compass. Pacino symbolises Richard’s autocratic power with the nd impunity in contrast to the fear divine retribution in Elizabethan era. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s representation of power and translates it into a salient textual medium for the contemporary audience to comprehend.
Ok, good. It definitely answers the question, although not a HUGE amount of comparison was done. Looks like you're talking about one text, then the other. For all I know, the next paragraph is more of a comparison; if not, it should be, but ideally you'd be actively comparing the texts in EVERY paragraph.
You need to actually analyse the 'docudrama' to a greater extent. Use SPECIFIC visual techniques, quotes, camera angles. Rather than just listing them as you sometimes have above, you need to identify the importance of those specific techniques, and the impression that leaves to the audience. Remember, teachers are looking for techniques, and will probably just tick next to every technique that you include. Include more.
Throughout K3 the audience is conflicted as to how Richard is able to carry out his actions in the Elizabethan context where religious influence dominates conscience of the citizens. Are they? I thought the idea was that a modern audience COULDN'T understand the Elizabethan context, and so see K3 as outside of their comprehension? Or are you talking about an Elizabethan audience? Make this clearer. Conscience first appears with the religious allusions to the 10 Commandments “stealing, swearing and adultery” which signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable Don't like this colloquialism as a result of a fear of divine retribution. The notion of providentialism is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” revealing the overwhelming influence of God that extends to sinners and how they are still troubled by conscience. More specific analysis please! The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers emphasises the complicit nature of Richard as one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. The theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies providentialism is inescapable enforced through Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” which capitalises upon the omnipotent nature of God. Ultimately the human conscience is explicitly displayed in K3 allowing the audience to understand the effect of religion on one’s actions and conscience in a theocentric society and the futility of attempting to escape the wrath of the divine.
Similarly, Pacino establishes the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions by contrasting divine retribution with the moral and ethical obligations of the secular modern day. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into a self centered ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society. Hell. Yeah. This is comparison I've been looking for. Pacino engages the audience in the ghost scene with the dramatic music and lightning sound effects revealing the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of divine retribution is less prominent instead more directed at moral and ethical issues such as the Clinton scandals in 21st century America. Moreover, the appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the fear of societal judgement where the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates the contextual ideas of the Shakespeare’s notions of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience through film, capitalising on how one’s moral conscience is quintessential in shaping their relations and desires.
Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century they both present opportunities and challenges. Rework. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.
Overall, this is great. I think with a bit of work, or even just thought, you could improve it a lot. The thesis you discuss in the very first sentence, and the very last, don't really come through in your essay. A thesis does come through; the IMPORTANCE of context to textual analysis. However, the thesis you've posited (ie. the difficulty of a given audience to adequately understand the context other than their own) is definitely left by the wayside. Up to you how you want to approach this. All up, a great essay. Could probably use a bit more technique analysis, particularly in the visual text. Still, be proud, and feel ready for your upcoming exams. Congratulations :)
Post by: vmukund17 on August 10, 2017, 12:46:48 pm
Appreciate it if you could give me some feedback on my Module A essay. Cheers.
Post by: Opengangs on August 16, 2017, 02:03:35 pm
I have to write a speech for Module C, and would like some feedback on the first half of my speech.
Max time: 5 minutes, so ~700 words was my teacher's suggestion and 10-15 techniques.
Question: How have various representations of people and politics led us to a greater awareness of the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours? Make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other.
Prescribed: King Henry IV, Part 1; related: Il Principe (The Prince)
Speech:
If there is one thing I learned with politicians, it’s this: all politicians lie; but the extent of these lies reflects on their representations of what is the universal truth. It’s not fabrication or falsification that they employ to the audience, but rather, the motives and thoughts that politicians pursue. This is no different to the tale of King Henry IV, who employs a Machiavellian perspective to his audience. Shakespeare’s characterisation of Henry creates a universal idea behind the represented perspective Shakespeare reveals of the Elizabethan era. Much like Shakespeare, Niccolo Machiavelli explores the fabrication of truth through the development of his Machiavellian prince in his treatise, Il Principe. The way a prince establishes power is portrayed through the way they react with other people, as outlined in Il Principe. Above all, the stark differences in character between Hal and the abstract Machiavellian archetype will ultimately fertilise the growth and understanding of these motivations and desire for power in both worlds.
When we talk about representing ideas and motives behind one’s action, we often associate them with their role and power within a society. To further this point, one’s action may not necessarily reflect their true motivations, but through desires of power and lust. Prince Hal’s desire for power works much like a high-level Machiavel, in that they both desire power in selfishness. Consider his soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2. The imagery and metaphor of the “sun” reveals an inner morality and motivation behind the actions, similar to that of a Machiavellian prince. This is explored through Machiavelli’s proclamation of the vices in his treatise, characterised by “duplicitous and cunning employment in statecraft”. Furthermore, the extended wordplay Hal incorporates throughout the soliloquy exemplifies this notion behind intelligence and manipulative desires. In effect, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hal as both, respected within the tavern world and feared, as Hal is explored in the sequential play, Henry V, is a critical acclamation to the Machiavellian advice on how a prince should behave. Machiavelli’s emphasis on the prudence of fear is invaluable to the integrity of a prince, such as Hal’s, and insists that a prince “should like to be both one and the other”. Thus, it is difficult to present one’s ideas and motives purely behind their actions. Political ideologies and psychological factors contribute to some of these Machiavellianism in the hedonistic realm of Henry IV, and this idea of hedonism is apparent throughout the Elizabethan milieu.
Words: 405 (a bit long?)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 19, 2017, 01:33:15 pm
Hello,
I have to write a speech for Module C, and would like some feedback on the first half of my speech.
Max time: 5 minutes, so ~700 words was my teacher's suggestion and 10-15 techniques.
Hey Opengangs! Sure thing, would be happy to give you some feedback ;D
Spoiler
Question: How have various representations of people and politics led us to a greater awareness of the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours? Make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other.
If there is one thing I learned with politicians, it’s this: all politicians lie; but the extent of these lies reflects on their representations of what is the universal truth. I like the way you've chosen to start, it demands attention nicely. Good job there. Watch expression, the end is a little messy, and it should be "thing I'VE learned." It’s not fabrication or falsification that they employ to the audience, but rather, the motives and thoughts that politicians pursue. Not 100% clear what you mean here. This is no different to the tale of King Henry IV, who employs a Machiavellian perspective to his audience. Word choice isn't quite right there, I'd say 'presents' a Machiavellian perspective, or something similar. Shakespeare’s characterisation of Henry creates a universal idea behind the represented perspective Shakespeare reveals of the Elizabethan era. A little vague, what exactly is Shakespeare trying to say about the Elizabethan Era? Much like Shakespeare, Niccolo Machiavelli explores the fabrication of truth through the development of his Machiavellian prince in his treatise, Il Principe. The way a prince establishes power is portrayed through the way they react with other people, as outlined in Il Principe. This introduction to your related is better, there is more clarity here. Above all, the stark differences in character between Hal and the abstract Machiavellian archetype will ultimately fertilise the growth and understanding of these motivations and desire for power in both worlds. Nice finish, though I'd like you to link it back to the audience a little bit more, and also focus a bit more on techniques, since this is a module on representation.
When we talk about representing ideas and motives behind one’s action, we often associate them with their role and power within a society. To further this point, one’s action may not necessarily reflect their true motivations, but through desires of power and lust. Nice concept, though you could probably blend these two sentences into one if you are short on space. Prince Hal’s desire for power works much like a high-level Machiavel, in that they both desire power in selfishness. Be careful, you are describing a character. This is retell. Consider his soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2. The imagery and metaphor of the “sun” reveals an inner morality and motivation behind the actions, similar to that of a Machiavellian prince. Good, nice link to the Machiavellian aspect. This is explored through Machiavelli’s proclamation of the vices in his treatise, characterised by “duplicitous and cunning employment in statecraft”. Technique for this quote? Furthermore, the extended wordplay Hal incorporates throughout the soliloquy exemplifies this notion behind intelligence and manipulative desires. Make sure your links to your original topic (as stated in your first sentence of the paragraph) are obvious. In effect, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hal as both, respected within the tavern world and feared, as Hal is explored in the sequential play, Henry V, is a critical acclamation to the Machiavellian advice on how a prince should behave. Expression there is quite messy, I'd wager that would be hard to follow when spoken. Be carful! Machiavelli’s emphasis on the prudence of fear is invaluable to the integrity of a prince, such as Hal’s, and insists that a prince “should like to be both one and the other”. Technique? Thus, it is difficult to present one’s ideas and motives purely behind their actions. Political ideologies and psychological factors contribute to some of these Machiavellianism in the hedonistic realm of Henry IV, and this idea of hedonism is apparent throughout the Elizabethan milieu.
I think the ideas here are excellent, they link to the question and there is some good analysis appearing as well. You've only got one quote+technique in that paragraph that I can see, the imagery/metaphor at the start. You've implied techniques elsewhere, but in a representation module, techniques are absolutely crucial. They need to drive your response. 15 techniques is definitely great to aim for :)
Besides this, the other big point I'd raise is expression - Remember this will be spoken aloud to an audience of your peers. Keep sentences short, word choices simple (speaking to your audience means considering how best to communicate ideas they can understand) and ensure everything flows logically and smoothly. You've got a great vocabulary and you can clearly put together very sophisticated sentences, but overkill isn't always the best approach for a task like this ;D
Comments throughout should cover the rest, nice job! ;D
Post by: Wales on August 23, 2017, 02:50:02 pm
I've come by again to seek in-depth feedback on my Mod C essay for Brave New World. I've just received my trial back and received 10/20 for Mod C. I went in thinking it was my best Module but clearly not. Would someone be able to take a look at my essay and provide feedback? A estimated mark would also be great and would allow me to judge it clearer :)
Cheers, Wales
All representations are acts of manipulation.
To what extent does your study of people and politics support this statement? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utlise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing actions politicians take in order to achieve total control, ultimately a form of manipulation. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly illustrates the notions of dehumanisation, inculcation and totalitarianism as a product of an oppressive, manipulative bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the relationship between technological advancements and modern political agendas of manipulation. Both texts explore the effect of technology on the relationship between people and politics, exercising the themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are manipulated to have their intrinsic autonomy stripped.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their insatiable lust for power. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded on consumerism with the religious parody “sign of the T” as a divine representation of the nihilistic nature of humanity, accentuating the government's desire to manipulate the citizens to fit their political agenda of total control. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedic and conditioning process which represents the political agenda of manipulation with the ned objective of a conformist state. Furthermore, the intellectual conformity characterised by the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” represents the diminishing autonomous nature of children as a result of creating an atmosphere that exemplifies the world states idealistic visions of autocratic rule and to manipulate society into a consumerist regime where a loss of individuality is imminent. Similarly, Huxley’s satire on the production line is a metaphorical representation of the consumerist ideals of the world state, alluding to the dystopic connotations of societal oppression with the systematic nature of the production line further emphasising the notion that all representations representations of capitalist consumerist ideals are forms of manipulation. Huxley deceptively represents the world’s states ethos with the italicised text “ but these suggestions are our suggestions” which emphasises the assertive nature of the leaders and implies their underlying motives of manipulation with the use of collective nouns. By hyperbolising the consumerist ideals in a technocratic paradigm of the world state, Huxley represents the power of human conditioning in limiting intellectual freedoms as a mere facet by which the world state leaders manipulate their citizens and illustrates the powerlessness of the people.
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it in order to demonstrate the abuse of power in politics, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual positions of citizens. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of a citizens. It contradicts the human right to be secure and hence promotes the government's manipulative abuse of their autocratic power in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the manipulative political agenda of the state as a consequence of the desire for total control. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of the citizens with the intent to represent and expose the calculative nature of politics with the dialogue “ which people? The whole kingdom snow white”. The intertextual reference and closeup of Edwards conflicted expression reinforces the supremacy of the state illusory promotion of security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy which inherently promotes the idea that all political motives are forms of manipulation.
Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness in order to reach political domination. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to manipulation with the exploitation of the citizens happiness and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means. This evident in the Bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable position whereby the state is able to manipulate the capitalist consumerist ideology of ignorance to attain control over the citizens. Huxley represents this further through the hypnopaedic phrase “ a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist idea of gratification as a prerequisite to happiness. By inculcating these ideologies into the citizens, Huxley effectively represents how the ultimate goal of politics is manipulation and control. Similarly in Snowden the US Government is shown to meticulously manipulate the ideology of ignorance illustrated through the extreme closeup of Edwards distraught expression during the dialogue “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” where the hesitant facial expression represents Edward’s powerless position as a result of the government desire to manipulate the ignorance of the populace in order to attain political dominance. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “ Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation with the dystopic notion of power in a modern society. Stone successfully reiterates this notion through his low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors which signify state of powerlessness of citizens and the extent to which the government has manipulated its citizens to. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the manipulative nature of bureaucracies.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where a lack of autonomous desire of the citizens is manipulated in order to align with the modern political agenda of domination and control.
Post by: carolinewang206 on August 23, 2017, 04:03:16 pm
Edit: So i know where I am sitting at, could you give a rough mark estimation?
Thanks
Post by: Claudiaa on August 25, 2017, 06:49:40 pm
This is just the intro and 1st paragraph to my speech that is based off "module b critical study" type of thing :)
the question or "statement" we must answer is "The significance of a text lies in its enduring power to move readers in different ways".
We were told to include all of these additional features in our poem :)
Textual Integrity
Critical Theory
Context
Perspective
Personal aspect (pronoun etc...)
I'm having trouble with making this sound more like a speech...It sounds a little too much like an essay at the moment
It is the most notable of texts that transcend contextual barriers and posses the transformative ability to renew perceptions. Harwood’s poetry does exactly that. Her poetry captures the essences of human emotion and experience and imbues them with further significance by the literary techniques that typify her poetry as the language of art.
Profoundly, Harwood’s “The violets” distinctively foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into universal thematic concerns that invites the audience to vicariously espouse reshaped perspectives and provide permanence to these transient elements of humanity through language.
The relationship between individuals and nature allows one to transcend their menial existence and delay thoughts of inevitable mortality. Underpinned by Christian influences on Harwood’s work, The Violets, in my view is a metaphysical exploration of the existential concerns of Harwood at the time. Fleeting moments of rhyme interrupt the free verse, cyclic nature of the poem in order to “jolt” the reader from one state to another, intentionally grating in contrast to the fluidity of the rest of the piece. The anthropomorphised “frail, melancholy flowers” which grow out of pain and loss, symbolised by the “ashes and loam” is enhanced through Lawson’s assertion that the “poem is of both loss and grief”. This notion that all life, including both nature and humanity, inevitably faces degradation is highlighted when this present-tense description of the violets, a Romantic tenant, is contrasted with the past-tense vivacious memories of the persona. We can see that Harwood vicariously combines this contrast with the frequent enjambment within the persona’s memories in order to continue the persona’s stream of consciousness ….(i need to add something here i'm not too sure what)
This enjambement also allows Harwood’s existential questioning to work as the whole piece flows without interruption, allowing us as the audience to follow this and thus transfer the philosophical questioning to our own lives. Serving as foil to this is the description of a ‘fearful half-sleep of a hot afternoon’ to represent the existential morass of Harwood, who feels that she had been in a state of submissive tranquillity, as indicated by the ‘half-sleep’ up until this epiphany. The events of this poem occur ‘towards nightfall’ as indicated by the first line of the poem which foregrounds the state of day in which the poem occurs. Harwood commonly uses the latter part of day throughout her poems, to emphasise the persona’s thoughts on inevitable mortality and implores the reader to reshape their own perspectives on the nullity of death and the void which it embodies.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 26, 2017, 12:24:50 am
Hey!
I've come by again to seek in-depth feedback on my Mod C essay for Brave New World. I've just received my trial back and received 10/20 for Mod C. I went in thinking it was my best Module but clearly not. Would someone be able to take a look at my essay and provide feedback? A estimated mark would also be great and would allow me to judge it clearer :)
Cheers, Wales
Spoiler
All representations are acts of manipulation.
To what extent does your study of people and politics support this statement? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Nice intro - Succinct, ties to the module but not directly, leaves room for amplification. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing actions politicians take in order to achieve total control, ultimately a form of manipulation. While this ties to the question, it isn't explained in the best way. It FEELS tacked on, if that makes sense, as if you've added a phrase to a prepared sentence. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly illustrates the notions of dehumanisation, inculcation and totalitarianism as a product of an oppressive, manipulative bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the relationship between technological advancements and modern political agendas of manipulation. Nice introductions of text, and nice ties to manipulation, but the core of this question is how composers manipulate THEIR AUDIENCES. Linking manipulation to the themes of the text isn't quite hitting the point of the question, unless you somehow bring representation into the political ideas as well. Both texts explore the effect of technology on the relationship between people and politics, exercising the themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are manipulated to have their intrinsic autonomy stripped. Overall, a solid introduction, but it hasn't responded to the question in the most effective way. It's the representation-manipulation link that you haven't established.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their insatiable lust for power. Good introduction of theme - Be sure to contextualise this in terms of your composers/texts before you start analysing, you are going straight into analysis and it feels a bit like you haven't explained WHY this text is being analysed for this theme, if that makes sense. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded on consumerism with the religious parody “sign of the T” as a divine representation of the nihilistic nature of humanity, accentuating the government's desire to manipulate the citizens to fit their political agenda of total control. Good. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedic and conditioning process which represents the political agenda of manipulation with the ned objective of a conformist state. Expression isn't quite right there, make sure you break up these longer thoughts with commas. Furthermore, the intellectual conformity characterised by the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” represents the diminishing autonomous nature of children as a result of creating an atmosphere that exemplifies the world states idealistic visions of autocratic rule and to manipulate society into a consumerist regime where a loss of individuality is imminent. Ditto here, I'm working quite hard to group your ideas into sections to decipher them correctly. A HSC marker may not put as much effort in! Similarly, Huxley’s satire on the production line is a metaphorical representation of the consumerist ideals of the world state, alluding to the dystopic connotations of societal oppression with the systematic nature of the production line further emphasising the notion that all representations representations of capitalist consumerist ideals are forms of manipulation. Quote here? Try not to reference plot points, you need specific techniques and compositional choices Huxley has made and how he uses them to manipulate the view of the audience. Huxley deceptively represents the world’s states ethos with the italicised text “ but these suggestions are our suggestions” which emphasises the assertive nature of the leaders and implies their underlying motives of manipulation with the use of collective nouns. By hyperbolising the consumerist ideals in a technocratic paradigm of the world state, Huxley represents the power of human conditioning in limiting intellectual freedoms as a mere facet by which the world state leaders manipulate their citizens and illustrates the powerlessness of the people. You've addressed the concept you've raised well and given some strong analysis. Watch your expression - But the main issue is that this isn't responding in the way the question intended. It's tough because what you are doing is excellent conceptually, but it just isn't hitting the representation aspect as hard as it needs to be.
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it in order to demonstrate the abuse of power in politics, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual positions of citizens. Nice introduction! I think having the specific text included with the theme actually lets you focus on representation more effectively. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of a citizens. Good. It contradicts the human right to be secure and hence promotes the government's manipulative abuse of their autocratic power in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the manipulative political agenda of the state as a consequence of the desire for total control. Ensure you are focusing on the impact on audience generally, not what we learn about characters. Good analysis though! Very clear. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of the citizens with the intent to represent and expose the calculative nature of politics with the dialogue “ which people? The whole kingdom snow white”. You can't really capitalise on the innocence of citizens when you have created the world space, make their innocence more of a deliberate compositional choice from the start. The intertextual reference and closeup of Edwards conflicted expression reinforces the supremacy of the state illusory promotion of security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy which inherently promotes the idea that all political motives are forms of manipulation. Why does this appeal to the 21st century audience, any specific contextual cues? Good paragraph, expression is better here, though the analysis perhaps not quite as strong.
Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness in order to reach political domination. Great concept - Again, not quite the way the question is demanding, but broadly an excellent concept. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to manipulation with the exploitation of the citizens happiness and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means. What IS the traditional approach, how is he opposing it? Seems just a tad vague here. This evident in the Bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable position whereby the state is able to manipulate the capitalist consumerist ideology of ignorance to attain control over the citizens. I know it is tempting, but don't just use the process here, that is a plot element! I know you go into it more next but the focus needs to be on the techniques and compositional choices first and foremost. Huxley represents this further through the hypnopaedic phrase “ a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist idea of gratification as a prerequisite to happiness. What is the technique here? By inculcating these ideologies into the citizens, Huxley effectively represents how the ultimate goal of politics is manipulation and control. HOW was this shown to the audience? This statement doesn't add a lot in isolation. Similarly in Snowden the US Government is shown to meticulously manipulate the ideology of ignorance illustrated through the extreme closeup of Edwards distraught expression during the dialogue “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” where the hesitant facial expression represents Edward’s powerless position as a result of the government desire to manipulate the ignorance of the populace in order to attain political dominance. This is another reason to establish a link between your themes and text - You've not primed the audience to expect BOTH texts in this paragraph! Not necessarily a bad thing to have swapped structures but try and give a better indicator - Of course, it would be better to maintain the 1-2-1-2 thing you did earlier. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “ Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. Good. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation with the dystopic notion of power in a modern society. Stone successfully reiterates this notion through his low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors which signify state of powerlessness of citizens and the extent to which the government has manipulated its citizens to. Nice analysis of the text here, focusing on how an image has been crafted, and the language is simple. More reference to how the audiences perspective has altered (been MANIPULATED) would be beneficial! By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the manipulative nature of bureaucracies.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where a lack of autonomous desire of the citizens is manipulated in order to align with the modern political agenda of domination and control. Slight expression issue there - This is a short conclusion, you MIGHT want to beef it up a little! :)
To what extent does your study of people and politics support this statement? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Nice intro - Succinct, ties to the module but not directly, leaves room for amplification. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing actions politicians take in order to achieve total control, ultimately a form of manipulation. While this ties to the question, it isn't explained in the best way. It FEELS tacked on, if that makes sense, as if you've added a phrase to a prepared sentence. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly illustrates the notions of dehumanisation, inculcation and totalitarianism as a product of an oppressive, manipulative bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the relationship between technological advancements and modern political agendas of manipulation. Nice introductions of text, and nice ties to manipulation, but the core of this question is how composers manipulate THEIR AUDIENCES. Linking manipulation to the themes of the text isn't quite hitting the point of the question, unless you somehow bring representation into the political ideas as well. Both texts explore the effect of technology on the relationship between people and politics, exercising the themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are manipulated to have their intrinsic autonomy stripped. Overall, a solid introduction, but it hasn't responded to the question in the most effective way. It's the representation-manipulation link that you haven't established.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their insatiable lust for power. Good introduction of theme - Be sure to contextualise this in terms of your composers/texts before you start analysing, you are going straight into analysis and it feels a bit like you haven't explained WHY this text is being analysed for this theme, if that makes sense. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded on consumerism with the religious parody “sign of the T” as a divine representation of the nihilistic nature of humanity, accentuating the government's desire to manipulate the citizens to fit their political agenda of total control. Good. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedic and conditioning process which represents the political agenda of manipulation with the ned objective of a conformist state. Expression isn't quite right there, make sure you break up these longer thoughts with commas. Furthermore, the intellectual conformity characterised by the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” represents the diminishing autonomous nature of children as a result of creating an atmosphere that exemplifies the world states idealistic visions of autocratic rule and to manipulate society into a consumerist regime where a loss of individuality is imminent. Ditto here, I'm working quite hard to group your ideas into sections to decipher them correctly. A HSC marker may not put as much effort in! Similarly, Huxley’s satire on the production line is a metaphorical representation of the consumerist ideals of the world state, alluding to the dystopic connotations of societal oppression with the systematic nature of the production line further emphasising the notion that all representations representations of capitalist consumerist ideals are forms of manipulation. Quote here? Try not to reference plot points, you need specific techniques and compositional choices Huxley has made and how he uses them to manipulate the view of the audience. Huxley deceptively represents the world’s states ethos with the italicised text “ but these suggestions are our suggestions” which emphasises the assertive nature of the leaders and implies their underlying motives of manipulation with the use of collective nouns. By hyperbolising the consumerist ideals in a technocratic paradigm of the world state, Huxley represents the power of human conditioning in limiting intellectual freedoms as a mere facet by which the world state leaders manipulate their citizens and illustrates the powerlessness of the people. You've addressed the concept you've raised well and given some strong analysis. Watch your expression - But the main issue is that this isn't responding in the way the question intended. It's tough because what you are doing is excellent conceptually, but it just isn't hitting the representation aspect as hard as it needs to be.
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it in order to demonstrate the abuse of power in politics, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual positions of citizens. Nice introduction! I think having the specific text included with the theme actually lets you focus on representation more effectively. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of a citizens. Good. It contradicts the human right to be secure and hence promotes the government's manipulative abuse of their autocratic power in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the manipulative political agenda of the state as a consequence of the desire for total control. Ensure you are focusing on the impact on audience generally, not what we learn about characters. Good analysis though! Very clear. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of the citizens with the intent to represent and expose the calculative nature of politics with the dialogue “ which people? The whole kingdom snow white”. You can't really capitalise on the innocence of citizens when you have created the world space, make their innocence more of a deliberate compositional choice from the start. The intertextual reference and closeup of Edwards conflicted expression reinforces the supremacy of the state illusory promotion of security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy which inherently promotes the idea that all political motives are forms of manipulation. Why does this appeal to the 21st century audience, any specific contextual cues? Good paragraph, expression is better here, though the analysis perhaps not quite as strong.
Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness in order to reach political domination. Great concept - Again, not quite the way the question is demanding, but broadly an excellent concept. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to manipulation with the exploitation of the citizens happiness and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means. What IS the traditional approach, how is he opposing it? Seems just a tad vague here. This evident in the Bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable position whereby the state is able to manipulate the capitalist consumerist ideology of ignorance to attain control over the citizens. I know it is tempting, but don't just use the process here, that is a plot element! I know you go into it more next but the focus needs to be on the techniques and compositional choices first and foremost. Huxley represents this further through the hypnopaedic phrase “ a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist idea of gratification as a prerequisite to happiness. What is the technique here? By inculcating these ideologies into the citizens, Huxley effectively represents how the ultimate goal of politics is manipulation and control. HOW was this shown to the audience? This statement doesn't add a lot in isolation. Similarly in Snowden the US Government is shown to meticulously manipulate the ideology of ignorance illustrated through the extreme closeup of Edwards distraught expression during the dialogue “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” where the hesitant facial expression represents Edward’s powerless position as a result of the government desire to manipulate the ignorance of the populace in order to attain political dominance. This is another reason to establish a link between your themes and text - You've not primed the audience to expect BOTH texts in this paragraph! Not necessarily a bad thing to have swapped structures but try and give a better indicator - Of course, it would be better to maintain the 1-2-1-2 thing you did earlier. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “ Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. Good. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation with the dystopic notion of power in a modern society. Stone successfully reiterates this notion through his low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors which signify state of powerlessness of citizens and the extent to which the government has manipulated its citizens to. Nice analysis of the text here, focusing on how an image has been crafted, and the language is simple. More reference to how the audiences perspective has altered (been MANIPULATED) would be beneficial! By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the manipulative nature of bureaucracies.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where a lack of autonomous desire of the citizens is manipulated in order to align with the modern political agenda of domination and control. Slight expression issue there - This is a short conclusion, you MIGHT want to beef it up a little! :)
I think this is a case of a great essay written for the wrong question - The idea of representation equals manipulation hasn't quite been explored properly. The question was asking you to explore how a composer uses their representation of politics to manipulate the audiences political views. You approached it as manipulation in the political themes of the text itself, which isn't necessarily what the question had in mind. This limits the effectiveness of otherwise excellent analysis of concepts ;D
Really my comments throughout cover the rest. A few places where expression needs to be tidied, a few places that need a technique or a more explicit reference to the audience, just to relate to this idea of representation more deliberately. Remember, it's all about what the composer does and why they do it, you can afford to be more "text focused" in Module C essays (not plot/character focused, know the difference!). However, you are definitely writing an effective essay! As I said, it is the misinterpretation of the question where most of the issues come from :)
I'd put this roughly where your Trials put it, perhaps a tad higher if I were marking it. If it had been a different question I reckon the mark would have been higher :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 26, 2017, 06:32:43 pm
Hey there, would really appreciate some feedback on my Mod C essay, one teacher who was a HSC marker said it was definitely a high A, and I got 20/20 for a similar essay in trials but i got 15/20 for it.Hey Caroline :) I'll take a look at this for you! Sounds like a great essay just from the marks - I'm curious about what the feedback was from your trials - were the 5 marks you lost from the adaptation to the question?
Edit: So i know where I am sitting at, could you give a rough mark estimation?
Thanks
Spoiler
‘Representations are a product of political purpose’
Personal and political agendas direct authorial representation of historical events to imprint their own perception upon the audience. In Henry Reynolds’ non-fiction memoir, Why Weren’t We Told? (WWWT?), he replicates his own emotive experience of race relations in Australia to project his political opinions onto the audience. Deliberate omission and emphasis of evidence is also skilfully adopted in the politically satirical film V for Vendetta (Vendetta) directed by James McTeigue. I'm being super picky with this, but do you mean to say there is an occasional omission of evidence? If not, you should use an oxford comma after "omission" to clarify, I think. But I am being picky! Additionally, George Orwell’s imperial novel Burmese Days forges a connection between the audience and composer, much like Reynolds, permitting the impress of authorial political agendas. Nice! Never verbose, always clear - answering the question!
The deliberate selection and emphasis of evidence specific to the composer’s political agenda allows the promotion their authorial purpose under the guise of an informative or entertainment medium. WWWT, a piece of non-fiction with a table of contents and index ironically does not properly evidence its sources and in some cases, name their composers. This is evident in Reynolds’ reference to an ‘old ethnographer’s’ 1971 letter “Everyone who has the interests of our country at heart… should oppose mongrelists.” This purposeful compositional choice provides no alternative perspective, regulating the readership’s capacity to autonomously draw conclusions and opinions. OUTSTANDING sentence! Furthermore, Reynolds refrains from evidencing any positive events of race relations, such as interracial marriages or indigenous suffrage positioning the audience to view race relations as distinct racial factions. As such, Reynolds only offers evidence that explicitly supports his political agenda of racial activism. I think you've linked really academically to the question.
Whilst both Orwell and Reynolds adopt the native terminology to incite activism, Reynolds uses “Murris” and “Migloo” to exacerbate racial stratification, whereas Orwell ironically adopts the Burmese term “Burra Memsahib” (an attribution of status to British women), when describing Elizabeth to accentuate her antagonism. I'd split this sentence after "to incite activism" because it is quite long, and when you use brackets you add another layer of thought to the reader, so it is easy to get lost along the way. Also, I think that you could clarify the place where politics sits here - I have no doubt you'll do it wonderfully because your writing is so impressive throughout. Something like, "native terminology to incite activism on a political level" or "to incite activism as an element of the political experience of the text." or something like this. Furthermore, Orwell critiques native discrimination through the satirical narration “It is so important...not to entangle oneself in 'native' quarrels…Even to know the rights and wrongs of a 'native' quarrel is a loss of prestige.”. Meiosis of quarrels in lieu of ‘conflict’ embodies Orwell’s critique of the imperialist devaluation of the native population. Additionally, the verb choice of ‘entangle’ depicts the native Burmese as parasitical, mirroring European racism Could you say something else here about the European racism - is it established in other parts of the novel? Perhaps, "Mirroring the European racism that permeates the lens of the novel." Or, "As established through the Eurocentric gaze of the novel". Orwell further critiques the superficial nature of imperial politics by focalising issues of physical appearance through Elizabeth’s alienation of Flory due to his birthmark “But worse than that, worse than anything, was his ugliness at this moment. Only the birthmark seemed alive in it. She hated him now for his birthmark.” Repetition of ‘birthmark’ emphasises its permeation of the protagonist, Flory’s identity like racial pervasion of classist divides. Replacing ‘Flory’ and ‘Elizabeth’ with gendered pronouns emphasises the universal superficiality of imperialist society. Consequently, the audience draws a seemingly autonomous political critique of imperialism, self-inducing Orwell’s political agenda of social unification. I'm really impressed by your language. I do think that this paragraph pulls away from the direct question a bit, but it's not irrelevant nor is it waffle. The links just aren't as strong. The idea of racism doesn't read to me as an expression of racism, but more of a tangent that's related but not a branch from the trunk.
Like Reynolds’ Historiographical form, McTeigue embeds non-fiction in Vendetta through the British Television Network(BTN), which crafts its presenter, Lewis Prothero to adopt convoluted vernacular of “neo-demagogues spouting their message of hate, a delusional and aberrant voice” in his report of Evey and V’s ‘terrorism’. By using uncommon vernacular, the BTN morphs the truth into their desired representation, which George Orwell himself explains “Where there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declares aims, one turns, as if were instinctively to long words.”Is this in the novel, or something Orwell has said otherwise? If said otherwise, I'd say "In a later interview..." or something to that effect. McTeigue critiques the media’s use of superfluous terms (both within and outside of the film) to distort truth, though ironically does the same in his hyperbolic depiction of Thatcher as the menacing fascist Chancellor ‘Adam Suttlor’. Contrary to Prothero, V’s speech is consistently in succinct iambic pentameter, evident in the chiasmus “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.” This syntactical structure conveys both McTeigue and V’s agenda of political subversion and the clear assertion of freedom. Distinct polarisation of the Government and V’s speech emphasises their dichotomous motives, invoking audience investment in V’s plight and by extension, McTeigue’s. By intentionally selecting evidence specific to their political views, composers align the readership with their own perception and in turn political agenda. A much stronger paragraph here.
Composers not only manipulate evidence to enforce their political views, but also use central persona to forge empathetic identification with the audience. Reynolds’ use of 1st person first person* episodic and narrative form permits a relationship with the readership, depicted through the recount of his dream “For a moment I imagined myself there on the beach with the islanders. I felt that I stood on the other side of the frontier.” Abnormal inclusion of a dream in his historiographical piece conveys his personal and political affiliation with improving race relations and elevates his position as a revisionist historian by differentiating himself from traditional historiography. His memoir is a vehicle to align himself with the indigenous population, emphasising his dedication and encouraging the same activism within the audience.
Like Reynolds’ self-embodiment in his memoir, Orwell embeds himself in the central protagonist, Flory, a European timber merchant in Burma, paralleling his experience as a member of the British Imperial police in Burma. Reallllly great link between texts!Orwell exacerbates racial discrimination in Burma through the notion that “In India you are not judged for what you do, but for what you are.” Antithesis entrenches the racial stratification of Burma and embeds his own critique of imperialism. It is through identification with Flory, that Orwell astutely evokes a political critique aligned with his own. In contrast to Orwell and Reynolds’ self-embodiment in a central persona, in Vendetta, McTeigue emblemises his agenda of political justice through the Guy Fawkes mask. As opposed to embedding his own personal experience, McTeigue metaphorically adopts the mask in the films production to facilitate ideological freedom, inviting audience participation in this plight. Panning close ups of London’s populous unveiling their face under Guy Fawkes masks as parliament explodes to triumphant music mirrors the duality of one’s agenda, which is both political and personal. McTeigue’s specific compositional choice for ‘V’ to remain masked explicates the fusion of his personal and political agendas, much like Reynolds in his choice to write in 1st person first person* and Orwell’s self-embodiment of Flory. By aligning the central personas with their own viewpoint, the composers invoke empathy with the reader, allowing the imprint of their own political views.
Authorial distaste spawns activism within the composer who endows their emotive experience upon the audience, aligning their political viewpoints. WWWT evokes guilt within the audience in the emotive recount of a Palm Island prison, “There was such a disparity between the offence and the punishment, between the locks, reinforced door, bars, thick concrete walls and the thin little girls.” The juxtaposing language of ‘locks’, ‘reinforced’ and ‘thick’ in contrast the description of the ‘thin little girls’; coupled with paraxative enumeration of the setting’s description exacerbate the injustices committed against aboriginal youth. Reynolds’ distinct reference to children manipulates the reader’s sense of morality, aligning them with his political agenda of improving race relations. Similarly, juxtaposition to heighten the audience’s emotional response is also adopted in Vendetta, in the contrast between V’s home, the ‘shadow gallery’ and the government official’s meeting room. The shadow gallery’s warm, soft lighting and melodic music comfort the audience, reflecting V’s moral fidelity; contrastingly, the meeting room is sharp and artificially lighted with minorly toned music, inducing fear in the audience to convey the corrupted intent of the fascist government. Its chiaroscuro lighting illuminates their dichotomous political intent, exacerbating McTeigue’s critique of the Thatcherite government and its extensive social control, cleverly employing the film as a cautionary tale to incite political scepticism. LOVE the way you've talked about chiaroscuro lighting!
Orwell similarly evokes anger in the audience through Flory’s internal monologue “Dull boozing witless porkers! Was it possible that they could go on week after week, year after year, repeating word for word the same evil-minded drivel.” Parallelism of “week after week…word after word” conveys the repetitive social inertia of imperialism. Furthermore, inclusive conduplicatio Ooh! I don't even know what this is! of “us” and “our” in “What a civilization civilisation* (You've got the US spelling ;) ) is this of ours--this godless civilization…God have mercy on us, for all of us are part of it,” induces shame in the readership, encouraging reflection upon the ‘godless’ civilisation present both in the novel and Orwell’s context. Religious allusions to society’s godlessness condemns British Imperialism to political decay in need of reformation, evident in the imperative apostrophe “God have mercy on us”. Orwell skilfully uses Flory as a vehicle to convey the desperation of his political plight for social reformation and evoke this response within the audience. As such, all three composers evoke contrasting emotional responses in the readership to heighten ideological susceptibility and align them with their political purpose.
Through the elicitation of emotions within the readership, conscious selection and omission of evidence, and forging identification with the reader, composers can represent their own construction of reality, and imprint their own values upon the readership. Skewing their perception of events through their distinct textual choices permits the alignment of perception and perpetuates composers’ own political agenda.
Personal and political agendas direct authorial representation of historical events to imprint their own perception upon the audience. In Henry Reynolds’ non-fiction memoir, Why Weren’t We Told? (WWWT?), he replicates his own emotive experience of race relations in Australia to project his political opinions onto the audience. Deliberate omission and emphasis of evidence is also skilfully adopted in the politically satirical film V for Vendetta (Vendetta) directed by James McTeigue. I'm being super picky with this, but do you mean to say there is an occasional omission of evidence? If not, you should use an oxford comma after "omission" to clarify, I think. But I am being picky! Additionally, George Orwell’s imperial novel Burmese Days forges a connection between the audience and composer, much like Reynolds, permitting the impress of authorial political agendas. Nice! Never verbose, always clear - answering the question!
The deliberate selection and emphasis of evidence specific to the composer’s political agenda allows the promotion their authorial purpose under the guise of an informative or entertainment medium. WWWT, a piece of non-fiction with a table of contents and index ironically does not properly evidence its sources and in some cases, name their composers. This is evident in Reynolds’ reference to an ‘old ethnographer’s’ 1971 letter “Everyone who has the interests of our country at heart… should oppose mongrelists.” This purposeful compositional choice provides no alternative perspective, regulating the readership’s capacity to autonomously draw conclusions and opinions. OUTSTANDING sentence! Furthermore, Reynolds refrains from evidencing any positive events of race relations, such as interracial marriages or indigenous suffrage positioning the audience to view race relations as distinct racial factions. As such, Reynolds only offers evidence that explicitly supports his political agenda of racial activism. I think you've linked really academically to the question.
Whilst both Orwell and Reynolds adopt the native terminology to incite activism, Reynolds uses “Murris” and “Migloo” to exacerbate racial stratification, whereas Orwell ironically adopts the Burmese term “Burra Memsahib” (an attribution of status to British women), when describing Elizabeth to accentuate her antagonism. I'd split this sentence after "to incite activism" because it is quite long, and when you use brackets you add another layer of thought to the reader, so it is easy to get lost along the way. Also, I think that you could clarify the place where politics sits here - I have no doubt you'll do it wonderfully because your writing is so impressive throughout. Something like, "native terminology to incite activism on a political level" or "to incite activism as an element of the political experience of the text." or something like this. Furthermore, Orwell critiques native discrimination through the satirical narration “It is so important...not to entangle oneself in 'native' quarrels…Even to know the rights and wrongs of a 'native' quarrel is a loss of prestige.”. Meiosis of quarrels in lieu of ‘conflict’ embodies Orwell’s critique of the imperialist devaluation of the native population. Additionally, the verb choice of ‘entangle’ depicts the native Burmese as parasitical, mirroring European racism Could you say something else here about the European racism - is it established in other parts of the novel? Perhaps, "Mirroring the European racism that permeates the lens of the novel." Or, "As established through the Eurocentric gaze of the novel". Orwell further critiques the superficial nature of imperial politics by focalising issues of physical appearance through Elizabeth’s alienation of Flory due to his birthmark “But worse than that, worse than anything, was his ugliness at this moment. Only the birthmark seemed alive in it. She hated him now for his birthmark.” Repetition of ‘birthmark’ emphasises its permeation of the protagonist, Flory’s identity like racial pervasion of classist divides. Replacing ‘Flory’ and ‘Elizabeth’ with gendered pronouns emphasises the universal superficiality of imperialist society. Consequently, the audience draws a seemingly autonomous political critique of imperialism, self-inducing Orwell’s political agenda of social unification. I'm really impressed by your language. I do think that this paragraph pulls away from the direct question a bit, but it's not irrelevant nor is it waffle. The links just aren't as strong. The idea of racism doesn't read to me as an expression of racism, but more of a tangent that's related but not a branch from the trunk.
Like Reynolds’ Historiographical form, McTeigue embeds non-fiction in Vendetta through the British Television Network(BTN), which crafts its presenter, Lewis Prothero to adopt convoluted vernacular of “neo-demagogues spouting their message of hate, a delusional and aberrant voice” in his report of Evey and V’s ‘terrorism’. By using uncommon vernacular, the BTN morphs the truth into their desired representation, which George Orwell himself explains “Where there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declares aims, one turns, as if were instinctively to long words.”Is this in the novel, or something Orwell has said otherwise? If said otherwise, I'd say "In a later interview..." or something to that effect. McTeigue critiques the media’s use of superfluous terms (both within and outside of the film) to distort truth, though ironically does the same in his hyperbolic depiction of Thatcher as the menacing fascist Chancellor ‘Adam Suttlor’. Contrary to Prothero, V’s speech is consistently in succinct iambic pentameter, evident in the chiasmus “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.” This syntactical structure conveys both McTeigue and V’s agenda of political subversion and the clear assertion of freedom. Distinct polarisation of the Government and V’s speech emphasises their dichotomous motives, invoking audience investment in V’s plight and by extension, McTeigue’s. By intentionally selecting evidence specific to their political views, composers align the readership with their own perception and in turn political agenda. A much stronger paragraph here.
Composers not only manipulate evidence to enforce their political views, but also use central persona to forge empathetic identification with the audience. Reynolds’ use of 1st person first person* episodic and narrative form permits a relationship with the readership, depicted through the recount of his dream “For a moment I imagined myself there on the beach with the islanders. I felt that I stood on the other side of the frontier.” Abnormal inclusion of a dream in his historiographical piece conveys his personal and political affiliation with improving race relations and elevates his position as a revisionist historian by differentiating himself from traditional historiography. His memoir is a vehicle to align himself with the indigenous population, emphasising his dedication and encouraging the same activism within the audience.
Like Reynolds’ self-embodiment in his memoir, Orwell embeds himself in the central protagonist, Flory, a European timber merchant in Burma, paralleling his experience as a member of the British Imperial police in Burma. Reallllly great link between texts!Orwell exacerbates racial discrimination in Burma through the notion that “In India you are not judged for what you do, but for what you are.” Antithesis entrenches the racial stratification of Burma and embeds his own critique of imperialism. It is through identification with Flory, that Orwell astutely evokes a political critique aligned with his own. In contrast to Orwell and Reynolds’ self-embodiment in a central persona, in Vendetta, McTeigue emblemises his agenda of political justice through the Guy Fawkes mask. As opposed to embedding his own personal experience, McTeigue metaphorically adopts the mask in the films production to facilitate ideological freedom, inviting audience participation in this plight. Panning close ups of London’s populous unveiling their face under Guy Fawkes masks as parliament explodes to triumphant music mirrors the duality of one’s agenda, which is both political and personal. McTeigue’s specific compositional choice for ‘V’ to remain masked explicates the fusion of his personal and political agendas, much like Reynolds in his choice to write in 1st person first person* and Orwell’s self-embodiment of Flory. By aligning the central personas with their own viewpoint, the composers invoke empathy with the reader, allowing the imprint of their own political views.
Authorial distaste spawns activism within the composer who endows their emotive experience upon the audience, aligning their political viewpoints. WWWT evokes guilt within the audience in the emotive recount of a Palm Island prison, “There was such a disparity between the offence and the punishment, between the locks, reinforced door, bars, thick concrete walls and the thin little girls.” The juxtaposing language of ‘locks’, ‘reinforced’ and ‘thick’ in contrast the description of the ‘thin little girls’; coupled with paraxative enumeration of the setting’s description exacerbate the injustices committed against aboriginal youth. Reynolds’ distinct reference to children manipulates the reader’s sense of morality, aligning them with his political agenda of improving race relations. Similarly, juxtaposition to heighten the audience’s emotional response is also adopted in Vendetta, in the contrast between V’s home, the ‘shadow gallery’ and the government official’s meeting room. The shadow gallery’s warm, soft lighting and melodic music comfort the audience, reflecting V’s moral fidelity; contrastingly, the meeting room is sharp and artificially lighted with minorly toned music, inducing fear in the audience to convey the corrupted intent of the fascist government. Its chiaroscuro lighting illuminates their dichotomous political intent, exacerbating McTeigue’s critique of the Thatcherite government and its extensive social control, cleverly employing the film as a cautionary tale to incite political scepticism. LOVE the way you've talked about chiaroscuro lighting!
Orwell similarly evokes anger in the audience through Flory’s internal monologue “Dull boozing witless porkers! Was it possible that they could go on week after week, year after year, repeating word for word the same evil-minded drivel.” Parallelism of “week after week…word after word” conveys the repetitive social inertia of imperialism. Furthermore, inclusive conduplicatio Ooh! I don't even know what this is! of “us” and “our” in “What a civilization civilisation* (You've got the US spelling ;) ) is this of ours--this godless civilization…God have mercy on us, for all of us are part of it,” induces shame in the readership, encouraging reflection upon the ‘godless’ civilisation present both in the novel and Orwell’s context. Religious allusions to society’s godlessness condemns British Imperialism to political decay in need of reformation, evident in the imperative apostrophe “God have mercy on us”. Orwell skilfully uses Flory as a vehicle to convey the desperation of his political plight for social reformation and evoke this response within the audience. As such, all three composers evoke contrasting emotional responses in the readership to heighten ideological susceptibility and align them with their political purpose.
Through the elicitation of emotions within the readership, conscious selection and omission of evidence, and forging identification with the reader, composers can represent their own construction of reality, and imprint their own values upon the readership. Skewing their perception of events through their distinct textual choices permits the alignment of perception and perpetuates composers’ own political agenda.
Your ideas are very, very well developed. You've used wonderful academic language to embed the ideas, discuss the texts, and find threads between them. As I pointed out, there is a paragraph that isn't as strong as the others - but it has potential to be. At the moment it's like a plant next to the main tree, instead of being a branch. It's relevant, it adds to the scenery, but it's not of the same substance. There's a few tiny little expression errors which I've corrected throughout, but otherwise it's a great essay, and very very hard to fault. I think it's up at a 19, if not a 20. I agree with the original marker. What was the feedback for your trial?
Post by: carolinewang206 on August 27, 2017, 02:23:43 pm
Hey Caroline :) I'll take a look at this for you! Sounds like a great essay just from the marks - I'm curious about what the feedback was from your trials - were the 5 marks you lost from the adaptation to the question?Spoiler‘Representations are a product of political purpose’
Personal and political agendas direct authorial representation of historical events to imprint their own perception upon the audience. In Henry Reynolds’ non-fiction memoir, Why Weren’t We Told? (WWWT?), he replicates his own emotive experience of race relations in Australia to project his political opinions onto the audience. Deliberate omission and emphasis of evidence is also skilfully adopted in the politically satirical film V for Vendetta (Vendetta) directed by James McTeigue. I'm being super picky with this, but do you mean to say there is an occasional omission of evidence? If not, you should use an oxford comma after "omission" to clarify, I think. But I am being picky! Additionally, George Orwell’s imperial novel Burmese Days forges a connection between the audience and composer, much like Reynolds, permitting the impress of authorial political agendas. Nice! Never verbose, always clear - answering the question!
The deliberate selection and emphasis of evidence specific to the composer’s political agenda allows the promotion their authorial purpose under the guise of an informative or entertainment medium. WWWT, a piece of non-fiction with a table of contents and index ironically does not properly evidence its sources and in some cases, name their composers. This is evident in Reynolds’ reference to an ‘old ethnographer’s’ 1971 letter “Everyone who has the interests of our country at heart… should oppose mongrelists.” This purposeful compositional choice provides no alternative perspective, regulating the readership’s capacity to autonomously draw conclusions and opinions. OUTSTANDING sentence! Furthermore, Reynolds refrains from evidencing any positive events of race relations, such as interracial marriages or indigenous suffrage positioning the audience to view race relations as distinct racial factions. As such, Reynolds only offers evidence that explicitly supports his political agenda of racial activism. I think you've linked really academically to the question.
Whilst both Orwell and Reynolds adopt the native terminology to incite activism, Reynolds uses “Murris” and “Migloo” to exacerbate racial stratification, whereas Orwell ironically adopts the Burmese term “Burra Memsahib” (an attribution of status to British women), when describing Elizabeth to accentuate her antagonism. I'd split this sentence after "to incite activism" because it is quite long, and when you use brackets you add another layer of thought to the reader, so it is easy to get lost along the way. Also, I think that you could clarify the place where politics sits here - I have no doubt you'll do it wonderfully because your writing is so impressive throughout. Something like, "native terminology to incite activism on a political level" or "to incite activism as an element of the political experience of the text." or something like this. Furthermore, Orwell critiques native discrimination through the satirical narration “It is so important...not to entangle oneself in 'native' quarrels…Even to know the rights and wrongs of a 'native' quarrel is a loss of prestige.”. Meiosis of quarrels in lieu of ‘conflict’ embodies Orwell’s critique of the imperialist devaluation of the native population. Additionally, the verb choice of ‘entangle’ depicts the native Burmese as parasitical, mirroring European racism Could you say something else here about the European racism - is it established in other parts of the novel? Perhaps, "Mirroring the European racism that permeates the lens of the novel." Or, "As established through the Eurocentric gaze of the novel". Orwell further critiques the superficial nature of imperial politics by focalising issues of physical appearance through Elizabeth’s alienation of Flory due to his birthmark “But worse than that, worse than anything, was his ugliness at this moment. Only the birthmark seemed alive in it. She hated him now for his birthmark.” Repetition of ‘birthmark’ emphasises its permeation of the protagonist, Flory’s identity like racial pervasion of classist divides. Replacing ‘Flory’ and ‘Elizabeth’ with gendered pronouns emphasises the universal superficiality of imperialist society. Consequently, the audience draws a seemingly autonomous political critique of imperialism, self-inducing Orwell’s political agenda of social unification. I'm really impressed by your language. I do think that this paragraph pulls away from the direct question a bit, but it's not irrelevant nor is it waffle. The links just aren't as strong. The idea of racism doesn't read to me as an expression of racism, but more of a tangent that's related but not a branch from the trunk.
Like Reynolds’ Historiographical form, McTeigue embeds non-fiction in Vendetta through the British Television Network(BTN), which crafts its presenter, Lewis Prothero to adopt convoluted vernacular of “neo-demagogues spouting their message of hate, a delusional and aberrant voice” in his report of Evey and V’s ‘terrorism’. By using uncommon vernacular, the BTN morphs the truth into their desired representation, which George Orwell himself explains “Where there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declares aims, one turns, as if were instinctively to long words.”Is this in the novel, or something Orwell has said otherwise? If said otherwise, I'd say "In a later interview..." or something to that effect. McTeigue critiques the media’s use of superfluous terms (both within and outside of the film) to distort truth, though ironically does the same in his hyperbolic depiction of Thatcher as the menacing fascist Chancellor ‘Adam Suttlor’. Contrary to Prothero, V’s speech is consistently in succinct iambic pentameter, evident in the chiasmus “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.” This syntactical structure conveys both McTeigue and V’s agenda of political subversion and the clear assertion of freedom. Distinct polarisation of the Government and V’s speech emphasises their dichotomous motives, invoking audience investment in V’s plight and by extension, McTeigue’s. By intentionally selecting evidence specific to their political views, composers align the readership with their own perception and in turn political agenda. A much stronger paragraph here.
Composers not only manipulate evidence to enforce their political views, but also use central persona to forge empathetic identification with the audience. Reynolds’ use of 1st person first person* episodic and narrative form permits a relationship with the readership, depicted through the recount of his dream “For a moment I imagined myself there on the beach with the islanders. I felt that I stood on the other side of the frontier.” Abnormal inclusion of a dream in his historiographical piece conveys his personal and political affiliation with improving race relations and elevates his position as a revisionist historian by differentiating himself from traditional historiography. His memoir is a vehicle to align himself with the indigenous population, emphasising his dedication and encouraging the same activism within the audience.
Like Reynolds’ self-embodiment in his memoir, Orwell embeds himself in the central protagonist, Flory, a European timber merchant in Burma, paralleling his experience as a member of the British Imperial police in Burma. Reallllly great link between texts!Orwell exacerbates racial discrimination in Burma through the notion that “In India you are not judged for what you do, but for what you are.” Antithesis entrenches the racial stratification of Burma and embeds his own critique of imperialism. It is through identification with Flory, that Orwell astutely evokes a political critique aligned with his own. In contrast to Orwell and Reynolds’ self-embodiment in a central persona, in Vendetta, McTeigue emblemises his agenda of political justice through the Guy Fawkes mask. As opposed to embedding his own personal experience, McTeigue metaphorically adopts the mask in the films production to facilitate ideological freedom, inviting audience participation in this plight. Panning close ups of London’s populous unveiling their face under Guy Fawkes masks as parliament explodes to triumphant music mirrors the duality of one’s agenda, which is both political and personal. McTeigue’s specific compositional choice for ‘V’ to remain masked explicates the fusion of his personal and political agendas, much like Reynolds in his choice to write in 1st person first person* and Orwell’s self-embodiment of Flory. By aligning the central personas with their own viewpoint, the composers invoke empathy with the reader, allowing the imprint of their own political views.
Authorial distaste spawns activism within the composer who endows their emotive experience upon the audience, aligning their political viewpoints. WWWT evokes guilt within the audience in the emotive recount of a Palm Island prison, “There was such a disparity between the offence and the punishment, between the locks, reinforced door, bars, thick concrete walls and the thin little girls.” The juxtaposing language of ‘locks’, ‘reinforced’ and ‘thick’ in contrast the description of the ‘thin little girls’; coupled with paraxative enumeration of the setting’s description exacerbate the injustices committed against aboriginal youth. Reynolds’ distinct reference to children manipulates the reader’s sense of morality, aligning them with his political agenda of improving race relations. Similarly, juxtaposition to heighten the audience’s emotional response is also adopted in Vendetta, in the contrast between V’s home, the ‘shadow gallery’ and the government official’s meeting room. The shadow gallery’s warm, soft lighting and melodic music comfort the audience, reflecting V’s moral fidelity; contrastingly, the meeting room is sharp and artificially lighted with minorly toned music, inducing fear in the audience to convey the corrupted intent of the fascist government. Its chiaroscuro lighting illuminates their dichotomous political intent, exacerbating McTeigue’s critique of the Thatcherite government and its extensive social control, cleverly employing the film as a cautionary tale to incite political scepticism. LOVE the way you've talked about chiaroscuro lighting!
Orwell similarly evokes anger in the audience through Flory’s internal monologue “Dull boozing witless porkers! Was it possible that they could go on week after week, year after year, repeating word for word the same evil-minded drivel.” Parallelism of “week after week…word after word” conveys the repetitive social inertia of imperialism. Furthermore, inclusive conduplicatio Ooh! I don't even know what this is! of “us” and “our” in “What a civilization civilisation* (You've got the US spelling ;) ) is this of ours--this godless civilization…God have mercy on us, for all of us are part of it,” induces shame in the readership, encouraging reflection upon the ‘godless’ civilisation present both in the novel and Orwell’s context. Religious allusions to society’s godlessness condemns British Imperialism to political decay in need of reformation, evident in the imperative apostrophe “God have mercy on us”. Orwell skilfully uses Flory as a vehicle to convey the desperation of his political plight for social reformation and evoke this response within the audience. As such, all three composers evoke contrasting emotional responses in the readership to heighten ideological susceptibility and align them with their political purpose.
Through the elicitation of emotions within the readership, conscious selection and omission of evidence, and forging identification with the reader, composers can represent their own construction of reality, and imprint their own values upon the readership. Skewing their perception of events through their distinct textual choices permits the alignment of perception and perpetuates composers’ own political agenda.
Your ideas are very, very well developed. You've used wonderful academic language to embed the ideas, discuss the texts, and find threads between them. As I pointed out, there is a paragraph that isn't as strong as the others - but it has potential to be. At the moment it's like a plant next to the main tree, instead of being a branch. It's relevant, it adds to the scenery, but it's not of the same substance. There's a few tiny little expression errors which I've corrected throughout, but otherwise it's a great essay, and very very hard to fault. I think it's up at a 19, if not a 20. I agree with the original marker. What was the feedback for your trial?
Hey Caroline :) I'll take a look at this for you! Sounds like a great essay just from the marks - I'm curious about what the feedback was from your trials - were the 5 marks you lost from the adaptation to the question?Spoiler‘Representations are a product of political purpose’
Personal and political agendas direct authorial representation of historical events to imprint their own perception upon the audience. In Henry Reynolds’ non-fiction memoir, Why Weren’t We Told? (WWWT?), he replicates his own emotive experience of race relations in Australia to project his political opinions onto the audience. Deliberate omission and emphasis of evidence is also skilfully adopted in the politically satirical film V for Vendetta (Vendetta) directed by James McTeigue. I'm being super picky with this, but do you mean to say there is an occasional omission of evidence? If not, you should use an oxford comma after "omission" to clarify, I think. But I am being picky! Additionally, George Orwell’s imperial novel Burmese Days forges a connection between the audience and composer, much like Reynolds, permitting the impress of authorial political agendas. Nice! Never verbose, always clear - answering the question!
The deliberate selection and emphasis of evidence specific to the composer’s political agenda allows the promotion their authorial purpose under the guise of an informative or entertainment medium. WWWT, a piece of non-fiction with a table of contents and index ironically does not properly evidence its sources and in some cases, name their composers. This is evident in Reynolds’ reference to an ‘old ethnographer’s’ 1971 letter “Everyone who has the interests of our country at heart… should oppose mongrelists.” This purposeful compositional choice provides no alternative perspective, regulating the readership’s capacity to autonomously draw conclusions and opinions. OUTSTANDING sentence! Furthermore, Reynolds refrains from evidencing any positive events of race relations, such as interracial marriages or indigenous suffrage positioning the audience to view race relations as distinct racial factions. As such, Reynolds only offers evidence that explicitly supports his political agenda of racial activism. I think you've linked really academically to the question.
Whilst both Orwell and Reynolds adopt the native terminology to incite activism, Reynolds uses “Murris” and “Migloo” to exacerbate racial stratification, whereas Orwell ironically adopts the Burmese term “Burra Memsahib” (an attribution of status to British women), when describing Elizabeth to accentuate her antagonism. I'd split this sentence after "to incite activism" because it is quite long, and when you use brackets you add another layer of thought to the reader, so it is easy to get lost along the way. Also, I think that you could clarify the place where politics sits here - I have no doubt you'll do it wonderfully because your writing is so impressive throughout. Something like, "native terminology to incite activism on a political level" or "to incite activism as an element of the political experience of the text." or something like this. Furthermore, Orwell critiques native discrimination through the satirical narration “It is so important...not to entangle oneself in 'native' quarrels…Even to know the rights and wrongs of a 'native' quarrel is a loss of prestige.”. Meiosis of quarrels in lieu of ‘conflict’ embodies Orwell’s critique of the imperialist devaluation of the native population. Additionally, the verb choice of ‘entangle’ depicts the native Burmese as parasitical, mirroring European racism Could you say something else here about the European racism - is it established in other parts of the novel? Perhaps, "Mirroring the European racism that permeates the lens of the novel." Or, "As established through the Eurocentric gaze of the novel". Orwell further critiques the superficial nature of imperial politics by focalising issues of physical appearance through Elizabeth’s alienation of Flory due to his birthmark “But worse than that, worse than anything, was his ugliness at this moment. Only the birthmark seemed alive in it. She hated him now for his birthmark.” Repetition of ‘birthmark’ emphasises its permeation of the protagonist, Flory’s identity like racial pervasion of classist divides. Replacing ‘Flory’ and ‘Elizabeth’ with gendered pronouns emphasises the universal superficiality of imperialist society. Consequently, the audience draws a seemingly autonomous political critique of imperialism, self-inducing Orwell’s political agenda of social unification. I'm really impressed by your language. I do think that this paragraph pulls away from the direct question a bit, but it's not irrelevant nor is it waffle. The links just aren't as strong. The idea of racism doesn't read to me as an expression of racism, but more of a tangent that's related but not a branch from the trunk.
Like Reynolds’ Historiographical form, McTeigue embeds non-fiction in Vendetta through the British Television Network(BTN), which crafts its presenter, Lewis Prothero to adopt convoluted vernacular of “neo-demagogues spouting their message of hate, a delusional and aberrant voice” in his report of Evey and V’s ‘terrorism’. By using uncommon vernacular, the BTN morphs the truth into their desired representation, which George Orwell himself explains “Where there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declares aims, one turns, as if were instinctively to long words.”Is this in the novel, or something Orwell has said otherwise? If said otherwise, I'd say "In a later interview..." or something to that effect. McTeigue critiques the media’s use of superfluous terms (both within and outside of the film) to distort truth, though ironically does the same in his hyperbolic depiction of Thatcher as the menacing fascist Chancellor ‘Adam Suttlor’. Contrary to Prothero, V’s speech is consistently in succinct iambic pentameter, evident in the chiasmus “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.” This syntactical structure conveys both McTeigue and V’s agenda of political subversion and the clear assertion of freedom. Distinct polarisation of the Government and V’s speech emphasises their dichotomous motives, invoking audience investment in V’s plight and by extension, McTeigue’s. By intentionally selecting evidence specific to their political views, composers align the readership with their own perception and in turn political agenda. A much stronger paragraph here.
Composers not only manipulate evidence to enforce their political views, but also use central persona to forge empathetic identification with the audience. Reynolds’ use of 1st person first person* episodic and narrative form permits a relationship with the readership, depicted through the recount of his dream “For a moment I imagined myself there on the beach with the islanders. I felt that I stood on the other side of the frontier.” Abnormal inclusion of a dream in his historiographical piece conveys his personal and political affiliation with improving race relations and elevates his position as a revisionist historian by differentiating himself from traditional historiography. His memoir is a vehicle to align himself with the indigenous population, emphasising his dedication and encouraging the same activism within the audience.
Like Reynolds’ self-embodiment in his memoir, Orwell embeds himself in the central protagonist, Flory, a European timber merchant in Burma, paralleling his experience as a member of the British Imperial police in Burma. Reallllly great link between texts!Orwell exacerbates racial discrimination in Burma through the notion that “In India you are not judged for what you do, but for what you are.” Antithesis entrenches the racial stratification of Burma and embeds his own critique of imperialism. It is through identification with Flory, that Orwell astutely evokes a political critique aligned with his own. In contrast to Orwell and Reynolds’ self-embodiment in a central persona, in Vendetta, McTeigue emblemises his agenda of political justice through the Guy Fawkes mask. As opposed to embedding his own personal experience, McTeigue metaphorically adopts the mask in the films production to facilitate ideological freedom, inviting audience participation in this plight. Panning close ups of London’s populous unveiling their face under Guy Fawkes masks as parliament explodes to triumphant music mirrors the duality of one’s agenda, which is both political and personal. McTeigue’s specific compositional choice for ‘V’ to remain masked explicates the fusion of his personal and political agendas, much like Reynolds in his choice to write in 1st person first person* and Orwell’s self-embodiment of Flory. By aligning the central personas with their own viewpoint, the composers invoke empathy with the reader, allowing the imprint of their own political views.
Authorial distaste spawns activism within the composer who endows their emotive experience upon the audience, aligning their political viewpoints. WWWT evokes guilt within the audience in the emotive recount of a Palm Island prison, “There was such a disparity between the offence and the punishment, between the locks, reinforced door, bars, thick concrete walls and the thin little girls.” The juxtaposing language of ‘locks’, ‘reinforced’ and ‘thick’ in contrast the description of the ‘thin little girls’; coupled with paraxative enumeration of the setting’s description exacerbate the injustices committed against aboriginal youth. Reynolds’ distinct reference to children manipulates the reader’s sense of morality, aligning them with his political agenda of improving race relations. Similarly, juxtaposition to heighten the audience’s emotional response is also adopted in Vendetta, in the contrast between V’s home, the ‘shadow gallery’ and the government official’s meeting room. The shadow gallery’s warm, soft lighting and melodic music comfort the audience, reflecting V’s moral fidelity; contrastingly, the meeting room is sharp and artificially lighted with minorly toned music, inducing fear in the audience to convey the corrupted intent of the fascist government. Its chiaroscuro lighting illuminates their dichotomous political intent, exacerbating McTeigue’s critique of the Thatcherite government and its extensive social control, cleverly employing the film as a cautionary tale to incite political scepticism. LOVE the way you've talked about chiaroscuro lighting!
Orwell similarly evokes anger in the audience through Flory’s internal monologue “Dull boozing witless porkers! Was it possible that they could go on week after week, year after year, repeating word for word the same evil-minded drivel.” Parallelism of “week after week…word after word” conveys the repetitive social inertia of imperialism. Furthermore, inclusive conduplicatio Ooh! I don't even know what this is! of “us” and “our” in “What a civilization civilisation* (You've got the US spelling ;) ) is this of ours--this godless civilization…God have mercy on us, for all of us are part of it,” induces shame in the readership, encouraging reflection upon the ‘godless’ civilisation present both in the novel and Orwell’s context. Religious allusions to society’s godlessness condemns British Imperialism to political decay in need of reformation, evident in the imperative apostrophe “God have mercy on us”. Orwell skilfully uses Flory as a vehicle to convey the desperation of his political plight for social reformation and evoke this response within the audience. As such, all three composers evoke contrasting emotional responses in the readership to heighten ideological susceptibility and align them with their political purpose.
Through the elicitation of emotions within the readership, conscious selection and omission of evidence, and forging identification with the reader, composers can represent their own construction of reality, and imprint their own values upon the readership. Skewing their perception of events through their distinct textual choices permits the alignment of perception and perpetuates composers’ own political agenda.
Your ideas are very, very well developed. You've used wonderful academic language to embed the ideas, discuss the texts, and find threads between them. As I pointed out, there is a paragraph that isn't as strong as the others - but it has potential to be. At the moment it's like a plant next to the main tree, instead of being a branch. It's relevant, it adds to the scenery, but it's not of the same substance. There's a few tiny little expression errors which I've corrected throughout, but otherwise it's a great essay, and very very hard to fault. I think it's up at a 19, if not a 20. I agree with the original marker. What was the feedback for your trial?
Hey Elyse! Thank you so much! I'll work on making that paragraph more relevant. At trials we only wrote about the prescribed and no ORTs so it was quite easy, it was the same teacher that marked both but my feedback for trials was that it was very well aligned with the idea of representation, cohesive and addressed the question. For this essay (I sent on here exactly what I submitted), the feedback was that my arguments jumped around a lot, that I didn't engage with the texts and my filmic analysis was weak.
The marks people received were odd because no one in the top 10 got above 17/20 and the only people I've spoken to who got 19+wrote theirs the night before, so we're all a bit confused.
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 27, 2017, 02:36:02 pm
Hey Elyse! Thank you so much! I'll work on making that paragraph more relevant. At trials we only wrote about the prescribed and no ORTs so it was quite easy, it was the same teacher that marked both but my feedback for trials was that it was very well aligned with the idea of representation, cohesive and addressed the question. For this essay (I sent on here exactly what I submitted), the feedback was that my arguments jumped around a lot, that I didn't engage with the texts and my filmic analysis was weak.
The marks people received were odd because no one in the top 10 got above 17/20 and the only people I've spoken to who got 19+wrote theirs the night before, so we're all a bit confused.
It might work in your favour that you've been given a harsh marking so that you really dig deep to perfect the intricacies of the work. I know teachers were a bit brutal on us during trials so we would keep striving for more - and it really paid off. So even with the feedback about the film analysis and the cohesion of the arguments, you can work on tightening it even more. So even if its a 20/20, make it a 21/20 - just so that there can be no doubt about you deserving those highest marks. It might just be in the mindset, but this is the way I approached things after trials and I found it really worked :)
Post by: carolinewang206 on August 27, 2017, 02:51:44 pm
It might work in your favour that you've been given a harsh marking so that you really dig deep to perfect the intricacies of the work. I know teachers were a bit brutal on us during trials so we would keep striving for more - and it really paid off. So even with the feedback about the film analysis and the cohesion of the arguments, you can work on tightening it even more. So even if its a 20/20, make it a 21/20 - just so that there can be no doubt about you deserving those highest marks. It might just be in the mindset, but this is the way I approached things after trials and I found it really worked :)
Yeah, I've already prepared a different related because I thought it was letting my argument down, so I'm thinking I'll just prepare new essays with an MLK speech. I'll still refine and prepare for these two ORTs and make this essay as good as I can, but I was thinking it may be better to have texts markers would be more familiar with.
I feel like if they were being harsh on us, they would have been harsh on everyone, not just the top 10. Since I further ahead earlier in the year I've managed to maintain 1st, but for lot of the others it really brought down their ranks even though they spent weeks preparing their essays. As this was our last assignment, I feel it would have been better to mark harshly at trials as opposed to at the very end as a lot of us are very disappointed because the marks everyone received weren't commensurate with effort and some (myself for a few days) are losing motivation for english because if people who write essays the night before are getting better marks, what is the point in preparing?
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 28, 2017, 10:23:43 am
Yeah, I've already prepared a different related because I thought it was letting my argument down, so I'm thinking I'll just prepare new essays with an MLK speech. I'll still refine and prepare for these two ORTs and make this essay as good as I can, but I was thinking it may be better to have texts markers would be more familiar with.
I feel like if they were being harsh on us, they would have been harsh on everyone, not just the top 10. Since I further ahead earlier in the year I've managed to maintain 1st, but for lot of the others it really brought down their ranks even though they spent weeks preparing their essays. As this was our last assignment, I feel it would have been better to mark harshly at trials as opposed to at the very end as a lot of us are very disappointed because the marks everyone received weren't commensurate with effort and some (myself for a few days) are losing motivation for english because if people who write essays the night before are getting better marks, what is the point in preparing?
I see your point. I'm not sure how close you are with your cohort, but could the top ten who were harshly marked, come together to look at each other's work and see common denominators? Hearing now that it's changed people's ranks, rather than maintain them but inject them with a sense of working for more, I see especially why you're concerned. Based on what you've told me about your feedback, and seeing your essay, I do think you deserve more. Obvious disclaimer that I'm not a HSC marker - but you've ticked all the boxes and your writing style is solid.
If the other students are willing, perhaps get together and go over the feedback, identify the parts for improvement, and even peer mark! I really recommend peer-marking in this situation - especially now that everyone has their feedback, they can use the feedback as a lens of critique. Then, I'd speak to your teacher while the iron is still hot to see if there is a need for an appeal, or even just a discussion, before the ranks are finalised, so you have peace of mind.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 28, 2017, 10:29:54 pm
HI whoever is marking mine :)
This is just the intro and 1st paragraph to my speech that is based off "module b critical study" type of thing :)
the question or "statement" we must answer is "The significance of a text lies in its enduring power to move readers in different ways".
We were told to include all of these additional features in our poem :)
Textual Integrity
Critical Theory
Context
Perspective
Personal aspect (pronoun etc...)
I'm having trouble with making this sound more like a speech...It sounds a little too much like an essay at the moment
Hey Claudia! I've attached your speech with feedback in bold:
Spoiler
It is the most notable of texts that transcend contextual barriers and posses the transformative ability to renew perceptions. Nice start! I'd like you to elaborate more - What makes them notable? This would be a good chance to bring in some other aspects of that criteria/list you were given. Harwood’s poetry does exactly that. Her poetry captures the essences of human emotion and experience and imbues them with further significance by the literary techniques that typify her poetry as the language of art. I'd like you to be more specific with exactly what messages Harwood wants to convey on human emotion. Profoundly, Harwood’s “The violets” distinctively foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into universal thematic concerns that invites the audience to vicariously espouse reshaped perspectives and provide permanence to these transient elements of humanity through language. Watch your sentence length in this introduction, and further, watch word choice - Speeches should be a little bit colloquial, aim for simpler expression in shorter chunks!
The relationship between individuals and nature allows one to transcend their menial existence and delay thoughts of inevitable mortality. Interesting concept! I like it, though perhaps explore why this is something worth discussing, how does this move readers? Underpinned by Christian influences on Harwood’s work, The Violets, in my view is a metaphysical exploration of the existential concerns of Harwood at the time. Nice contextual reference and personal statement here - Suits the task well. Fleeting moments of rhyme interrupt the free verse, cyclic nature of the poem in order to “jolt” the reader from one state to another, intentionally grating in contrast to the fluidity of the rest of the piece. Fantastic audience reference here, really brilliant stuff. I'd love for you to explain exactly what this is accentuating, what message/idea is it supporting? The anthropomorphised “frail, melancholy flowers” which grow out of pain and loss, symbolised by the “ashes and loam” is enhanced through Lawson’s assertion that the “poem is of both loss and grief”. Forgive my unfamiliarity with the text - Is this a critic? If so, you'll want to set it up a little more clearly and make it stand out. It is easily lost in there. This notion that all life, including both nature and humanity, inevitably faces degradation is highlighted when this present-tense description of the violets, a Romantic tenant, is contrasted with the past-tense vivacious memories of the persona. Careful, are we still really discussing the same topic we started with? Make sure you are staying on track as much as possible! We can see that Harwood vicariously combines this contrast with the frequent enjambment within the persona’s memories in order to continue the persona’s stream of consciousness ….(i need to add something here i'm not too sure what). I wouldn't add much to that sentence - Again, picture yourself up there saying this to your class. Don't overlead them, you need to speak TO] your audience. I'd simplify it - "Harwood's use of enjambement continues the personas stream of consciousness to..." - Does the same thing no? :) This enjambement also allows Harwood’s existential questioning to work as the whole piece flows without interruption, allowing us as the audience to follow this and thus transfer the philosophical questioning to our own lives. Good. Serving as foil to this is the description of a ‘fearful half-sleep of a hot afternoon’ to represent the existential morass of Harwood, who feels that she had been in a state of submissive tranquillity, as indicated by the ‘half-sleep’ up until this epiphany. The events of this poem occur ‘towards nightfall’ as indicated by the first line of the poem which foregrounds the state of day in which the poem occurs. Don't retell the poem! Careful, the quality of your analysis is slipping towards the end here. Harwood commonly uses the latter part of day throughout her poems, to emphasise the persona’s thoughts on inevitable mortality and implores the reader to reshape their own perspectives on the nullity of death and the void which it embodies. Ensure you have a proper conclusion to each section/paragraph of your speech!
The relationship between individuals and nature allows one to transcend their menial existence and delay thoughts of inevitable mortality. Interesting concept! I like it, though perhaps explore why this is something worth discussing, how does this move readers? Underpinned by Christian influences on Harwood’s work, The Violets, in my view is a metaphysical exploration of the existential concerns of Harwood at the time. Nice contextual reference and personal statement here - Suits the task well. Fleeting moments of rhyme interrupt the free verse, cyclic nature of the poem in order to “jolt” the reader from one state to another, intentionally grating in contrast to the fluidity of the rest of the piece. Fantastic audience reference here, really brilliant stuff. I'd love for you to explain exactly what this is accentuating, what message/idea is it supporting? The anthropomorphised “frail, melancholy flowers” which grow out of pain and loss, symbolised by the “ashes and loam” is enhanced through Lawson’s assertion that the “poem is of both loss and grief”. Forgive my unfamiliarity with the text - Is this a critic? If so, you'll want to set it up a little more clearly and make it stand out. It is easily lost in there. This notion that all life, including both nature and humanity, inevitably faces degradation is highlighted when this present-tense description of the violets, a Romantic tenant, is contrasted with the past-tense vivacious memories of the persona. Careful, are we still really discussing the same topic we started with? Make sure you are staying on track as much as possible! We can see that Harwood vicariously combines this contrast with the frequent enjambment within the persona’s memories in order to continue the persona’s stream of consciousness ….(i need to add something here i'm not too sure what). I wouldn't add much to that sentence - Again, picture yourself up there saying this to your class. Don't overlead them, you need to speak TO] your audience. I'd simplify it - "Harwood's use of enjambement continues the personas stream of consciousness to..." - Does the same thing no? :) This enjambement also allows Harwood’s existential questioning to work as the whole piece flows without interruption, allowing us as the audience to follow this and thus transfer the philosophical questioning to our own lives. Good. Serving as foil to this is the description of a ‘fearful half-sleep of a hot afternoon’ to represent the existential morass of Harwood, who feels that she had been in a state of submissive tranquillity, as indicated by the ‘half-sleep’ up until this epiphany. The events of this poem occur ‘towards nightfall’ as indicated by the first line of the poem which foregrounds the state of day in which the poem occurs. Don't retell the poem! Careful, the quality of your analysis is slipping towards the end here. Harwood commonly uses the latter part of day throughout her poems, to emphasise the persona’s thoughts on inevitable mortality and implores the reader to reshape their own perspectives on the nullity of death and the void which it embodies. Ensure you have a proper conclusion to each section/paragraph of your speech!
I think this is an excellent start, conceptually really great and excellent analysis! Really, just work on saying things simpler and more quickly - The expression you are using right now is quite verbose, remember you are speaking to Year 12's and your teacher! You can keep it simple, it's more speech-y that way ;D
A guide from Elyse, I think it will help! ;D
Post by: Claudiaa on August 29, 2017, 07:36:03 pm
Hey Claudia! I've attached your speech with feedback in bold:SpoilerIt is the most notable of texts that transcend contextual barriers and posses the transformative ability to renew perceptions. Nice start! I'd like you to elaborate more - What makes them notable? This would be a good chance to bring in some other aspects of that criteria/list you were given. Harwood’s poetry does exactly that. Her poetry captures the essences of human emotion and experience and imbues them with further significance by the literary techniques that typify her poetry as the language of art. I'd like you to be more specific with exactly what messages Harwood wants to convey on human emotion. Profoundly, Harwood’s “The violets” distinctively foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into universal thematic concerns that invites the audience to vicariously espouse reshaped perspectives and provide permanence to these transient elements of humanity through language. Watch your sentence length in this introduction, and further, watch word choice - Speeches should be a little bit colloquial, aim for simpler expression in shorter chunks!
The relationship between individuals and nature allows one to transcend their menial existence and delay thoughts of inevitable mortality. Interesting concept! I like it, though perhaps explore why this is something worth discussing, how does this move readers? Underpinned by Christian influences on Harwood’s work, The Violets, in my view is a metaphysical exploration of the existential concerns of Harwood at the time. Nice contextual reference and personal statement here - Suits the task well. Fleeting moments of rhyme interrupt the free verse, cyclic nature of the poem in order to “jolt” the reader from one state to another, intentionally grating in contrast to the fluidity of the rest of the piece. Fantastic audience reference here, really brilliant stuff. I'd love for you to explain exactly what this is accentuating, what message/idea is it supporting? The anthropomorphised “frail, melancholy flowers” which grow out of pain and loss, symbolised by the “ashes and loam” is enhanced through Lawson’s assertion that the “poem is of both loss and grief”. Forgive my unfamiliarity with the text - Is this a critic? If so, you'll want to set it up a little more clearly and make it stand out. It is easily lost in there. This notion that all life, including both nature and humanity, inevitably faces degradation is highlighted when this present-tense description of the violets, a Romantic tenant, is contrasted with the past-tense vivacious memories of the persona. Careful, are we still really discussing the same topic we started with? Make sure you are staying on track as much as possible! We can see that Harwood vicariously combines this contrast with the frequent enjambment within the persona’s memories in order to continue the persona’s stream of consciousness ….(i need to add something here i'm not too sure what). I wouldn't add much to that sentence - Again, picture yourself up there saying this to your class. Don't overlead them, you need to speak TO] your audience. I'd simplify it - "Harwood's use of enjambement continues the personas stream of consciousness to..." - Does the same thing no? :) This enjambement also allows Harwood’s existential questioning to work as the whole piece flows without interruption, allowing us as the audience to follow this and thus transfer the philosophical questioning to our own lives. Good. Serving as foil to this is the description of a ‘fearful half-sleep of a hot afternoon’ to represent the existential morass of Harwood, who feels that she had been in a state of submissive tranquillity, as indicated by the ‘half-sleep’ up until this epiphany. The events of this poem occur ‘towards nightfall’ as indicated by the first line of the poem which foregrounds the state of day in which the poem occurs. Don't retell the poem! Careful, the quality of your analysis is slipping towards the end here. Harwood commonly uses the latter part of day throughout her poems, to emphasise the persona’s thoughts on inevitable mortality and implores the reader to reshape their own perspectives on the nullity of death and the void which it embodies. Ensure you have a proper conclusion to each section/paragraph of your speech!
I think this is an excellent start, conceptually really great and excellent analysis! Really, just work on saying things simpler and more quickly - The expression you are using right now is quite verbose, remember you are speaking to Year 12's and your teacher! You can keep it simple, it's more speech-y that way ;D
A guide from Elyse, I think it will help! ;D
Thank You very much Jamon! I will take this into consideration, I do agree that taking a more simple approach will make it more speech-like so I will definitely focus on that. Thanks for the feedback once again :) I appreciate it
Post by: Lumenoria on September 04, 2017, 12:44:15 am
'Quality literature presents the reader with a unique perspective on common human experiences.'
To what extent does the central character's unique perspective provide an insight into the thematic concerns of Maestro?
It is the extraordinary power of quality literature to transcend contextual boundaries through its uniquely rendered perspectives that attributes to a text's enduring appeal. Resonating with a nuanced masculine perspective regarding the personal frustration and tribulations that are archetypal to the development of an individual’s maturity, Peter Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the central character’s experiences at the precipice of an Australian childhood and adulthood during the late 1960s. Critiquing the artistic temperament in relation to the pressures of materialism and technical perfection as an inconsequential source of growth, this bildungsroman promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through extolling its ability to enhance an individual’s morality. Influenced by a repressed sense of anxiety and distrust that characterised the post-World War II period, Goldsworthy presents the corrosive impact of trauma as a paradigm yet to be understood by contemporary society, presaging a deeper understanding within responders of the acute disillusionment and escapism that ensues in the wake of life’s adversities. Through ideological disparities, this lack of mutual understanding is illuminated within the dysfunctionality of relationships, in which Goldsworthy utilises as a medium to explore the dichotomies inherent in not only artistry, but reality. By offering unorthodox insights into quintessential experiences of the human condition, Goldsworthy’s exploration of such thematic concerns invites responders to grow with the central character, allowing it to retain its enduring value.
Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the corrosive impact of trauma through emphasis on the disparities between its perception and reality, challenging responders with a confronting but authentic portrayal of this internal conflict. After Keller’s misplaced faith in the Nazi regime ultimately resulted in the annihilation of his family, Paul’s complex and merciless relationship with Keller elevates the irrevocable damage that manifests in not only his physicality, but also his cynicism in humanity. Initially, Paul quickly condemns Keller with crude dismissals in the metaphorical reference "boozer with cheap ruined leather", failing to interpret his physicality in a mature and compassionate way – rather adopting a condescending tone in expressing concern for only himself. Though vicarious perceptions are not tantamount to first hand experiences of trauma, the diction of "tortured" in Paul’s later description of Keller as a "tortured, booze ruined face", suggests Paul's newfound understanding and respect for him after becoming cognisant of the gravity of his experiences, finally conceding that Keller possesses some aspect of humanity, as opposed to being just “cheap”. This incongruity between Keller’s forged and authentic identity highlights the ease of trauma to be concealed with a mere façade, in spite of its internal severity on the individual. Furthermore, the satirical metaphor in Paul’s impression of the photographs garnered in Keller’s “textbooks” as a “bleak human landscape located somewhere between Tragedy and Dumb Stupidity” elucidates Keller’s perception of such frivolities as an extrapolation of all human society, illuminating that his acute displacement of preconceived notions is in fact a manifestation of trauma. It is not until Keller approaches his death that ensues Paul’s introspective realisations of his appreciation for Keller’s detriments and presence in their entirety. This is pertinent in the asyndeton and cumulation in detail as Paul describes his physical deterioration, "the incandescent redness had gone, the broken vessels seemed bleached, all colour had drained" in which he emphasises the profound loss he is about to endure, illuminating the extent to which he valued Keller's insight and experiences, albeit traumatic. In provoking introspective discoveries and crucial growth, it is through Paul's sentiments in relation to the corrosive impact of Keller’s trauma that allows responders to seek an authentic understanding of its perception and reality.
Goldsworthy’s depiction of relational dissonance is testament to the reverberation of the internal conflict that is prominent throughout an individual’s life in the wake of trauma. Utilising Paul as a lens, responders can sense that Keller’s inability to exhibit any semblance of functional love clearly emanates from the horrors engulfing his past, as portrayed in his dwelling on, “better a small hurt now then a wasted life” – the juxtaposition between the miniscule “hurt” and the grandiose nature of a “wasted life” emphasising the significant extent of his belief in this concept. Keller’s perpetuation of this idea towards Paul largely attributes to the dysfunctionality of their relationship, which Paul epitomises in his metaphorical reference to Keller “revealing perfections to me, but at the same time snatching it away.” This positions the responder with the vision that though Paul clearly will never develop the level of mastery necessary to succeed internationally as a pianist, Keller’s fatalistic attitude only exacerbates this inadequate potential, contradicting the conventional model of relationships. This is further reflected in Paul’s dissatisfaction with Keller’s admonitions, described in the way in which he “crumpled the letter into a tight ball and tossed it into the bin”, highlighting Paul’s immature frustration about Keller’s unequivocally cynical stances on his musical abilities. However, the following morning, Paul’s introspective perusals are illustrated in the self-contemplative language as he “unpeeled the ball of paper carefully, like a mandarin, then read through to the end”, facilitating his bitter recognition of the fact that Keller’s comments were indeed correct. The diction of “carefully” and simile of “mandarin” symbolises their relationship to responders as one characterised by tough love, requiring circumspection and patience to achieve relational effectiveness in its entirety. Evidently, with Paul’s increasing erosion of complacency comes the feeling that he is “finally beginning to gain some sort of understanding of the man”, suggesting that his gradual identification of his moral shortcomings is parallel to the progression of their unconventional relationship. It is Paul’s unique experience with Keller that allows the responder to develop a complex understanding of the capacity of relationship dissonance to exert moral growth and maturity.
By reaffirming conventional morality through providing a guilt-ridden transgression of it, Keller’s prevalent resort to alcoholism examines the necessity for escapism when individuals are confronted by extreme circumstances opposing the ideals of the human condition. Adopting an escapist mentality, Keller’s behaviour seen through Paul’s shifting perspective compel responders to perceive him through the entanglements of trauma rather than the simplicities of basic human response. During Paul's migration to Darwin, he becomes overwhelmed by the deficiency of order within the Swan Hotel; it clearly juxtaposes that of Adelaide, hence the implication of physical excessiveness in the diction of "overgrown", "crumbling" and "spilling". This implication elicits a sense of claustrophobia, emphasising Paul's seclusion and unfamiliarity within such an environment – the negative connotation suggesting his contempt for its corruption. While the dominance of unrestrained alcoholism is a depiction of Darwin's socially unhealthy culture, the chaos inherent in the metaphorical reference of "noise spilling out of the front bar onto the garden" portrays the city as the epitome of youth and recklessness to responders. Thus, the fact that Keller–an elite symbol of musical excellence and wisdom–resides in such an oppressive environment emphasises the extremities he has extended himself to in order to maintain his sanity, illuminating to responders the way in which he utilises alcoholism as a means of escape. When the cyclone hits Darwin, the symbolic imagery evoked through the use of anaphora and polysyndeton in his description of Keller’s survival “by sheltering beneath the supine, beneath his grand piano, his beloved Bosendorfer, wet and shivering and lacerated” represents the extent to which he relies on the piano as a source of sanctity to escape the reality of his emotions. Where once Keller was betrayed by his music-driven lifestyle, it also provides a means that, figuratively and literally, saved his life. Evidently, Paul’s unique observations of Keller’s predominant reliance on these entities as a means to diminish his guilt-driven conscience allows responders to consider the extent of the psychological ramifications that trauma imposes on individuals.
While Paul equivocates between introspection and egotistical disregard, his vicarious exposure to unorthodox experiences of the human condition–the corrosive impacts of trauma, its ability to erode the functionality of relationships and the need for escapism–progressively become definitive parallels to his development into maturity. This uniquely rendered perspective compels responders to not only engage in this process of maturation, but also allows them to understand the underlying sense of distrust and anxieties that characterised the post-World War II period, thus rendering ‘Maestro’ as a text of enduring significance.
Post by: georgiia on September 08, 2017, 10:25:32 pm
THANK YOU!! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 09, 2017, 12:54:21 am
Hey, this is my essay for Mod B. I haven't finished this, but if you could give me some guidance preferably by Tuesday evening, that would mean a lot!
Hey! Sure thing Lumenoria, here's your essay with feedback in bold:
Spoiler
'Quality literature presents the reader with a unique perspective on common human experiences.'
To what extent does the central character's unique perspective provide an insight into the thematic concerns of Maestro?
It is the extraordinary power of quality literature to transcend contextual boundaries through its uniquely rendered perspectives that attributes to a text's enduring appeal. Nice introductory sentence! Flow nicely, raises some good ideas and clearly a Module B sentence. Resonating with a nuanced masculine perspective regarding the personal frustration and tribulations that are archetypal to the development of an individual’s maturity, Peter Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the central character’s experiences at the precipice of an Australian childhood and adulthood during the late 1960s. Make sure you aren't being OVERLY verbose - Picking the long and big words isn't always as effective as stating something more simply. Critiquing the artistic temperament in relation to the pressures of materialism and technical perfection as an inconsequential source of growth, this bildungsroman promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through extolling its ability to enhance an individual’s morality. Influenced by a repressed sense of anxiety and distrust that characterised the post-World War II period, Goldsworthy presents the corrosive impact of trauma as a paradigm yet to be understood by contemporary society, presaging a deeper understanding within responders of the acute disillusionment and escapism that ensues in the wake of life’s adversities. Through ideological disparities, this lack of mutual understanding is illuminated within the dysfunctionality of relationships, in which Goldsworthy utilises as a medium to explore the dichotomies inherent in not only artistry, but reality. By offering unorthodox insights into quintessential experiences of the human condition, Goldsworthy’s exploration of such thematic concerns invites responders to grow with the central character, allowing it to retain its enduring value. Overall an extremely effective introduction, if not a tad too long (if you can handle it in the room, great!) Also be sure that you are really clearly and obviously answering the question - For you I think this will come from simplifying things a little and just trying to make your point in a way that is ever so slightly more simple. Even just including the phrase - Common human experiences doesn't appear anywhere in the response, which is weird because it is the question ;D
Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the corrosive impact of trauma through emphasis on the disparities between its perception and reality, challenging responders with a confronting but authentic portrayal of this internal conflict. Good introduction! Again though, I'd like you to include the key phrase of "common human experience" or something similar to it, to make it clear to the marker that you are responding to it. After Keller’s misplaced faith in the Nazi regime ultimately resulted in the annihilation of his family, Paul’s complex and merciless relationship with Keller elevates the irrevocable damage that manifests in not only his physicality, but also his cynicism in humanity. Initially, Paul quickly condemns Keller with crude dismissals in the metaphorical reference "boozer with cheap ruined leather", failing to interpret his physicality in a mature and compassionate way – rather adopting a condescending tone in expressing concern for only himself. Be careful - Although you are using quotes and techniques you aren't really analysing conceptually, you are exploring what we learn about the characters. This doesn't quite explore how the ideas you discussed earlier are communicate to the audience. Though vicarious perceptions are not tantamount to first hand experiences of trauma, the diction of "tortured" in Paul’s later description of Keller as a "tortured, booze ruined face", suggests Paul's newfound understanding and respect for him after becoming cognisant of the gravity of his experiences, finally conceding that Keller possesses some aspect of humanity, as opposed to being just “cheap”. The thing that makes it clear you are text focused is that you are suggesting "Paul's" newfound understanding, you are basing everything around the characters and events. You need to abstract from that and just say, "Hey, this is what the composer wants to do and this is how we do it. This incongruity between Keller’s forged and authentic identity highlights the ease of trauma to be concealed with a mere façade, in spite of its internal severity on the individual. This is better, you are taking a character and using them to drive a broader idea. Furthermore, the satirical metaphor in Paul’s impression of the photographs garnered in Keller’s “textbooks” as a “bleak human landscape located somewhere between Tragedy and Dumb Stupidity” elucidates Keller’s perception of such frivolities as an extrapolation of all human society, illuminating that his acute displacement of preconceived notions is in fact a manifestation of trauma. Try not to attribute perspectives to characters - When you are discussing perspectives and the techniques that shake them, it NEEDS to be the composer. Your composer should be mentioned far more than any character. It is not until Keller approaches his death that ensues Paul’s introspective realisations of his appreciation for Keller’s detriments and presence in their entirety. Retell, this is just telling me something about the story. This is pertinent in the asyndeton and cumulation in detail as Paul describes his physical deterioration, "the incandescent redness had gone, the broken vessels seemed bleached, all colour had drained" in which he emphasises the profound loss he is about to endure, illuminating the extent to which he valued Keller's insight and experiences, albeit traumatic. In provoking introspective discoveries and crucial growth, it is through Paul's sentiments in relation to the corrosive impact of Keller’s trauma that allows responders to seek an authentic understanding of its perception and reality. A really interesting concept, but I think it needs to be linked to the question a bit more, and your analysis is slightly too text focused!
Goldsworthy’s depiction of relational dissonance is testament to the reverberation of the internal conflict that is prominent throughout an individual’s life in the wake of trauma. Another well stated concept. Utilising Paul as a lens, responders can sense that Keller’s inability to exhibit any semblance of functional love clearly emanates from the horrors engulfing his past, as portrayed in his dwelling on, “better a small hurt now then a wasted life” – the juxtaposition between the miniscule “hurt” and the grandiose nature of a “wasted life” emphasising the significant extent of his belief in this concept. Getting on the longer end of sentences here - Watch length. Short and punchy can be really effective. Keller’s perpetuation of this idea towards Paul largely attributes to the dysfunctionality of their relationship, which Paul epitomises in his metaphorical reference to Keller “revealing perfections to me, but at the same time snatching it away.” Retell, you are telling me about the characters and popping a technique at the end but not really telling me what is being communicated by the composer? This positions the responder with the vision that though Paul clearly will never develop the level of mastery necessary to succeed internationally as a pianist, Keller’s fatalistic attitude only exacerbates this inadequate potential, contradicting the conventional model of relationships. Try not to focus so much on the characters - Relying less on the characters will let you streamline your arguments to a simpler combo of "Technique, explain what it does, audience impact," and therefore get more done. The character experiences are irrelevant! This is further reflected in Paul’s dissatisfaction with Keller’s admonitions, described in the way in which he “crumpled the letter into a tight ball and tossed it into the bin”, highlighting Paul’s immature frustration about Keller’s unequivocally cynical stances on his musical abilities. Retell - You are picking apart the characters! However, the following morning, Paul’s introspective perusals are illustrated in the self-contemplative language as he “unpeeled the ball of paper carefully, like a mandarin, then read through to the end”, facilitating his bitter recognition of the fact that Keller’s comments were indeed correct. Retell, you are listing the events of the story in order with some additional details. This isn't going to get you marks! The diction of “carefully” and simile of “mandarin” symbolises their relationship to responders as one characterised by tough love, requiring circumspection and patience to achieve relational effectiveness in its entirety. What does this show the responders? What do we learn? Evidently, with Paul’s increasing erosion of complacency comes the feeling that he is “finally beginning to gain some sort of understanding of the man”, suggesting that his gradual identification of his moral shortcomings is parallel to the progression of their unconventional relationship. Ensure all techniques have quotes! It is Paul’s unique experience with Keller that allows the responder to develop a complex understanding of the capacity of relationship dissonance to exert moral growth and maturity. Try to make concluding sentences conceptually broad and non text specific, that way the idea can exist beyond the text itself, which is a better style to adopt!
By reaffirming conventional morality through providing a guilt-ridden transgression of it, Keller’s prevalent resort to alcoholism examines the necessity for escapism when individuals are confronted by extreme circumstances opposing the ideals of the human condition. Adopting an escapist mentality, Keller’s behaviour seen through Paul’s shifting perspective compel responders to perceive him through the entanglements of trauma rather than the simplicities of basic human response. What does this show us about human experience more generally. Try and make those broader links regularly. During Paul's migration to Darwin, he becomes overwhelmed by the deficiency of order within the Swan Hotel; it clearly juxtaposes that of Adelaide, hence the implication of physical excessiveness in the diction of "overgrown", "crumbling" and "spilling". Retell. This implication elicits a sense of claustrophobia, emphasising Paul's seclusion and unfamiliarity within such an environment – the negative connotation suggesting his contempt for its corruption. While the dominance of unrestrained alcoholism is a depiction of Darwin's socially unhealthy culture, the chaos inherent in the metaphorical reference of "noise spilling out of the front bar onto the garden" portrays the city as the epitome of youth and recklessness to responders. Good, this is a better bit of analysis because it is focusing more on what the audience learns about themselves and something they relate to, not necessarily to a fictional character. Thus, the fact that Keller–an elite symbol of musical excellence and wisdom–resides in such an oppressive environment emphasises the extremities he has extended himself to in order to maintain his sanity, illuminating to responders the way in which he utilises alcoholism as a means of escape. What does this show about overcoming adversity more broadly? When the cyclone hits Darwin, the symbolic imagery evoked through the use of anaphora and polysyndeton in his description of Keller’s survival “by sheltering beneath the supine, beneath his grand piano, his beloved Bosendorfer, wet and shivering and lacerated” represents the extent to which he relies on the piano as a source of sanctity to escape the reality of his emotions. Where once Keller was betrayed by his music-driven lifestyle, it also provides a means that, figuratively and literally, saved his life. Evidently, Paul’s unique observations of Keller’s predominant reliance on these entities as a means to diminish his guilt-driven conscience allows responders to consider the extent of the psychological ramifications that trauma imposes on individuals. The conclusion featuring the characters but not the composer is the big piece of evidence that we are too text focused.
While Paul equivocates between introspection and egotistical disregard, his vicarious exposure to unorthodox experiences of the human condition–the corrosive impacts of trauma, its ability to erode the functionality of relationships and the need for escapism–progressively become definitive parallels to his development into maturity. This uniquely rendered perspective compels responders to not only engage in this process of maturation, but also allows them to understand the underlying sense of distrust and anxieties that characterised the post-World War II period, thus rendering ‘Maestro’ as a text of enduring significance.
To what extent does the central character's unique perspective provide an insight into the thematic concerns of Maestro?
It is the extraordinary power of quality literature to transcend contextual boundaries through its uniquely rendered perspectives that attributes to a text's enduring appeal. Nice introductory sentence! Flow nicely, raises some good ideas and clearly a Module B sentence. Resonating with a nuanced masculine perspective regarding the personal frustration and tribulations that are archetypal to the development of an individual’s maturity, Peter Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the central character’s experiences at the precipice of an Australian childhood and adulthood during the late 1960s. Make sure you aren't being OVERLY verbose - Picking the long and big words isn't always as effective as stating something more simply. Critiquing the artistic temperament in relation to the pressures of materialism and technical perfection as an inconsequential source of growth, this bildungsroman promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through extolling its ability to enhance an individual’s morality. Influenced by a repressed sense of anxiety and distrust that characterised the post-World War II period, Goldsworthy presents the corrosive impact of trauma as a paradigm yet to be understood by contemporary society, presaging a deeper understanding within responders of the acute disillusionment and escapism that ensues in the wake of life’s adversities. Through ideological disparities, this lack of mutual understanding is illuminated within the dysfunctionality of relationships, in which Goldsworthy utilises as a medium to explore the dichotomies inherent in not only artistry, but reality. By offering unorthodox insights into quintessential experiences of the human condition, Goldsworthy’s exploration of such thematic concerns invites responders to grow with the central character, allowing it to retain its enduring value. Overall an extremely effective introduction, if not a tad too long (if you can handle it in the room, great!) Also be sure that you are really clearly and obviously answering the question - For you I think this will come from simplifying things a little and just trying to make your point in a way that is ever so slightly more simple. Even just including the phrase - Common human experiences doesn't appear anywhere in the response, which is weird because it is the question ;D
Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the corrosive impact of trauma through emphasis on the disparities between its perception and reality, challenging responders with a confronting but authentic portrayal of this internal conflict. Good introduction! Again though, I'd like you to include the key phrase of "common human experience" or something similar to it, to make it clear to the marker that you are responding to it. After Keller’s misplaced faith in the Nazi regime ultimately resulted in the annihilation of his family, Paul’s complex and merciless relationship with Keller elevates the irrevocable damage that manifests in not only his physicality, but also his cynicism in humanity. Initially, Paul quickly condemns Keller with crude dismissals in the metaphorical reference "boozer with cheap ruined leather", failing to interpret his physicality in a mature and compassionate way – rather adopting a condescending tone in expressing concern for only himself. Be careful - Although you are using quotes and techniques you aren't really analysing conceptually, you are exploring what we learn about the characters. This doesn't quite explore how the ideas you discussed earlier are communicate to the audience. Though vicarious perceptions are not tantamount to first hand experiences of trauma, the diction of "tortured" in Paul’s later description of Keller as a "tortured, booze ruined face", suggests Paul's newfound understanding and respect for him after becoming cognisant of the gravity of his experiences, finally conceding that Keller possesses some aspect of humanity, as opposed to being just “cheap”. The thing that makes it clear you are text focused is that you are suggesting "Paul's" newfound understanding, you are basing everything around the characters and events. You need to abstract from that and just say, "Hey, this is what the composer wants to do and this is how we do it. This incongruity between Keller’s forged and authentic identity highlights the ease of trauma to be concealed with a mere façade, in spite of its internal severity on the individual. This is better, you are taking a character and using them to drive a broader idea. Furthermore, the satirical metaphor in Paul’s impression of the photographs garnered in Keller’s “textbooks” as a “bleak human landscape located somewhere between Tragedy and Dumb Stupidity” elucidates Keller’s perception of such frivolities as an extrapolation of all human society, illuminating that his acute displacement of preconceived notions is in fact a manifestation of trauma. Try not to attribute perspectives to characters - When you are discussing perspectives and the techniques that shake them, it NEEDS to be the composer. Your composer should be mentioned far more than any character. It is not until Keller approaches his death that ensues Paul’s introspective realisations of his appreciation for Keller’s detriments and presence in their entirety. Retell, this is just telling me something about the story. This is pertinent in the asyndeton and cumulation in detail as Paul describes his physical deterioration, "the incandescent redness had gone, the broken vessels seemed bleached, all colour had drained" in which he emphasises the profound loss he is about to endure, illuminating the extent to which he valued Keller's insight and experiences, albeit traumatic. In provoking introspective discoveries and crucial growth, it is through Paul's sentiments in relation to the corrosive impact of Keller’s trauma that allows responders to seek an authentic understanding of its perception and reality. A really interesting concept, but I think it needs to be linked to the question a bit more, and your analysis is slightly too text focused!
Goldsworthy’s depiction of relational dissonance is testament to the reverberation of the internal conflict that is prominent throughout an individual’s life in the wake of trauma. Another well stated concept. Utilising Paul as a lens, responders can sense that Keller’s inability to exhibit any semblance of functional love clearly emanates from the horrors engulfing his past, as portrayed in his dwelling on, “better a small hurt now then a wasted life” – the juxtaposition between the miniscule “hurt” and the grandiose nature of a “wasted life” emphasising the significant extent of his belief in this concept. Getting on the longer end of sentences here - Watch length. Short and punchy can be really effective. Keller’s perpetuation of this idea towards Paul largely attributes to the dysfunctionality of their relationship, which Paul epitomises in his metaphorical reference to Keller “revealing perfections to me, but at the same time snatching it away.” Retell, you are telling me about the characters and popping a technique at the end but not really telling me what is being communicated by the composer? This positions the responder with the vision that though Paul clearly will never develop the level of mastery necessary to succeed internationally as a pianist, Keller’s fatalistic attitude only exacerbates this inadequate potential, contradicting the conventional model of relationships. Try not to focus so much on the characters - Relying less on the characters will let you streamline your arguments to a simpler combo of "Technique, explain what it does, audience impact," and therefore get more done. The character experiences are irrelevant! This is further reflected in Paul’s dissatisfaction with Keller’s admonitions, described in the way in which he “crumpled the letter into a tight ball and tossed it into the bin”, highlighting Paul’s immature frustration about Keller’s unequivocally cynical stances on his musical abilities. Retell - You are picking apart the characters! However, the following morning, Paul’s introspective perusals are illustrated in the self-contemplative language as he “unpeeled the ball of paper carefully, like a mandarin, then read through to the end”, facilitating his bitter recognition of the fact that Keller’s comments were indeed correct. Retell, you are listing the events of the story in order with some additional details. This isn't going to get you marks! The diction of “carefully” and simile of “mandarin” symbolises their relationship to responders as one characterised by tough love, requiring circumspection and patience to achieve relational effectiveness in its entirety. What does this show the responders? What do we learn? Evidently, with Paul’s increasing erosion of complacency comes the feeling that he is “finally beginning to gain some sort of understanding of the man”, suggesting that his gradual identification of his moral shortcomings is parallel to the progression of their unconventional relationship. Ensure all techniques have quotes! It is Paul’s unique experience with Keller that allows the responder to develop a complex understanding of the capacity of relationship dissonance to exert moral growth and maturity. Try to make concluding sentences conceptually broad and non text specific, that way the idea can exist beyond the text itself, which is a better style to adopt!
By reaffirming conventional morality through providing a guilt-ridden transgression of it, Keller’s prevalent resort to alcoholism examines the necessity for escapism when individuals are confronted by extreme circumstances opposing the ideals of the human condition. Adopting an escapist mentality, Keller’s behaviour seen through Paul’s shifting perspective compel responders to perceive him through the entanglements of trauma rather than the simplicities of basic human response. What does this show us about human experience more generally. Try and make those broader links regularly. During Paul's migration to Darwin, he becomes overwhelmed by the deficiency of order within the Swan Hotel; it clearly juxtaposes that of Adelaide, hence the implication of physical excessiveness in the diction of "overgrown", "crumbling" and "spilling". Retell. This implication elicits a sense of claustrophobia, emphasising Paul's seclusion and unfamiliarity within such an environment – the negative connotation suggesting his contempt for its corruption. While the dominance of unrestrained alcoholism is a depiction of Darwin's socially unhealthy culture, the chaos inherent in the metaphorical reference of "noise spilling out of the front bar onto the garden" portrays the city as the epitome of youth and recklessness to responders. Good, this is a better bit of analysis because it is focusing more on what the audience learns about themselves and something they relate to, not necessarily to a fictional character. Thus, the fact that Keller–an elite symbol of musical excellence and wisdom–resides in such an oppressive environment emphasises the extremities he has extended himself to in order to maintain his sanity, illuminating to responders the way in which he utilises alcoholism as a means of escape. What does this show about overcoming adversity more broadly? When the cyclone hits Darwin, the symbolic imagery evoked through the use of anaphora and polysyndeton in his description of Keller’s survival “by sheltering beneath the supine, beneath his grand piano, his beloved Bosendorfer, wet and shivering and lacerated” represents the extent to which he relies on the piano as a source of sanctity to escape the reality of his emotions. Where once Keller was betrayed by his music-driven lifestyle, it also provides a means that, figuratively and literally, saved his life. Evidently, Paul’s unique observations of Keller’s predominant reliance on these entities as a means to diminish his guilt-driven conscience allows responders to consider the extent of the psychological ramifications that trauma imposes on individuals. The conclusion featuring the characters but not the composer is the big piece of evidence that we are too text focused.
While Paul equivocates between introspection and egotistical disregard, his vicarious exposure to unorthodox experiences of the human condition–the corrosive impacts of trauma, its ability to erode the functionality of relationships and the need for escapism–progressively become definitive parallels to his development into maturity. This uniquely rendered perspective compels responders to not only engage in this process of maturation, but also allows them to understand the underlying sense of distrust and anxieties that characterised the post-World War II period, thus rendering ‘Maestro’ as a text of enduring significance.
Conceptually this is a fantastic essay with excellent arguments and analysis in many places. However, the approach is a little too text focused - You are really focusing on characters, where you should try and abstract a little and talk instead about what the composer is doing to communicate with their responder. The composer definitely needs more mentions, especially in a Module B essay ;D
You should also work on simplifying expression a tad! Using the phrases from the question in your own responses to make it clear you are responding properly, shortening sentences to enhance clarity. Even with such brilliantly complex and well considered ideas, sometimes simplicity is bliss ;)
Overall, excellent work! Hopefully my comments can be helpful ;D
Post by: Lumenoria on September 09, 2017, 10:19:38 am
Hey! Sure thing Lumenoria, here's your essay with feedback in bold:Spoiler'Quality literature presents the reader with a unique perspective on common human experiences.'
To what extent does the central character's unique perspective provide an insight into the thematic concerns of Maestro?
It is the extraordinary power of quality literature to transcend contextual boundaries through its uniquely rendered perspectives that attributes to a text's enduring appeal. Nice introductory sentence! Flow nicely, raises some good ideas and clearly a Module B sentence. Resonating with a nuanced masculine perspective regarding the personal frustration and tribulations that are archetypal to the development of an individual’s maturity, Peter Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the central character’s experiences at the precipice of an Australian childhood and adulthood during the late 1960s. Make sure you aren't being OVERLY verbose - Picking the long and big words isn't always as effective as stating something more simply. Critiquing the artistic temperament in relation to the pressures of materialism and technical perfection as an inconsequential source of growth, this bildungsroman promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through extolling its ability to enhance an individual’s morality. Influenced by a repressed sense of anxiety and distrust that characterised the post-World War II period, Goldsworthy presents the corrosive impact of trauma as a paradigm yet to be understood by contemporary society, presaging a deeper understanding within responders of the acute disillusionment and escapism that ensues in the wake of life’s adversities. Through ideological disparities, this lack of mutual understanding is illuminated within the dysfunctionality of relationships, in which Goldsworthy utilises as a medium to explore the dichotomies inherent in not only artistry, but reality. By offering unorthodox insights into quintessential experiences of the human condition, Goldsworthy’s exploration of such thematic concerns invites responders to grow with the central character, allowing it to retain its enduring value. Overall an extremely effective introduction, if not a tad too long (if you can handle it in the room, great!) Also be sure that you are really clearly and obviously answering the question - For you I think this will come from simplifying things a little and just trying to make your point in a way that is ever so slightly more simple. Even just including the phrase - Common human experiences doesn't appear anywhere in the response, which is weird because it is the question ;D
Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the corrosive impact of trauma through emphasis on the disparities between its perception and reality, challenging responders with a confronting but authentic portrayal of this internal conflict. Good introduction! Again though, I'd like you to include the key phrase of "common human experience" or something similar to it, to make it clear to the marker that you are responding to it. After Keller’s misplaced faith in the Nazi regime ultimately resulted in the annihilation of his family, Paul’s complex and merciless relationship with Keller elevates the irrevocable damage that manifests in not only his physicality, but also his cynicism in humanity. Initially, Paul quickly condemns Keller with crude dismissals in the metaphorical reference "boozer with cheap ruined leather", failing to interpret his physicality in a mature and compassionate way – rather adopting a condescending tone in expressing concern for only himself. Be careful - Although you are using quotes and techniques you aren't really analysing conceptually, you are exploring what we learn about the characters. This doesn't quite explore how the ideas you discussed earlier are communicate to the audience. Though vicarious perceptions are not tantamount to first hand experiences of trauma, the diction of "tortured" in Paul’s later description of Keller as a "tortured, booze ruined face", suggests Paul's newfound understanding and respect for him after becoming cognisant of the gravity of his experiences, finally conceding that Keller possesses some aspect of humanity, as opposed to being just “cheap”. The thing that makes it clear you are text focused is that you are suggesting "Paul's" newfound understanding, you are basing everything around the characters and events. You need to abstract from that and just say, "Hey, this is what the composer wants to do and this is how we do it. This incongruity between Keller’s forged and authentic identity highlights the ease of trauma to be concealed with a mere façade, in spite of its internal severity on the individual. This is better, you are taking a character and using them to drive a broader idea. Furthermore, the satirical metaphor in Paul’s impression of the photographs garnered in Keller’s “textbooks” as a “bleak human landscape located somewhere between Tragedy and Dumb Stupidity” elucidates Keller’s perception of such frivolities as an extrapolation of all human society, illuminating that his acute displacement of preconceived notions is in fact a manifestation of trauma. Try not to attribute perspectives to characters - When you are discussing perspectives and the techniques that shake them, it NEEDS to be the composer. Your composer should be mentioned far more than any character. It is not until Keller approaches his death that ensues Paul’s introspective realisations of his appreciation for Keller’s detriments and presence in their entirety. Retell, this is just telling me something about the story. This is pertinent in the asyndeton and cumulation in detail as Paul describes his physical deterioration, "the incandescent redness had gone, the broken vessels seemed bleached, all colour had drained" in which he emphasises the profound loss he is about to endure, illuminating the extent to which he valued Keller's insight and experiences, albeit traumatic. In provoking introspective discoveries and crucial growth, it is through Paul's sentiments in relation to the corrosive impact of Keller’s trauma that allows responders to seek an authentic understanding of its perception and reality. A really interesting concept, but I think it needs to be linked to the question a bit more, and your analysis is slightly too text focused!
Goldsworthy’s depiction of relational dissonance is testament to the reverberation of the internal conflict that is prominent throughout an individual’s life in the wake of trauma. Another well stated concept. Utilising Paul as a lens, responders can sense that Keller’s inability to exhibit any semblance of functional love clearly emanates from the horrors engulfing his past, as portrayed in his dwelling on, “better a small hurt now then a wasted life” – the juxtaposition between the miniscule “hurt” and the grandiose nature of a “wasted life” emphasising the significant extent of his belief in this concept. Getting on the longer end of sentences here - Watch length. Short and punchy can be really effective. Keller’s perpetuation of this idea towards Paul largely attributes to the dysfunctionality of their relationship, which Paul epitomises in his metaphorical reference to Keller “revealing perfections to me, but at the same time snatching it away.” Retell, you are telling me about the characters and popping a technique at the end but not really telling me what is being communicated by the composer? This positions the responder with the vision that though Paul clearly will never develop the level of mastery necessary to succeed internationally as a pianist, Keller’s fatalistic attitude only exacerbates this inadequate potential, contradicting the conventional model of relationships. Try not to focus so much on the characters - Relying less on the characters will let you streamline your arguments to a simpler combo of "Technique, explain what it does, audience impact," and therefore get more done. The character experiences are irrelevant! This is further reflected in Paul’s dissatisfaction with Keller’s admonitions, described in the way in which he “crumpled the letter into a tight ball and tossed it into the bin”, highlighting Paul’s immature frustration about Keller’s unequivocally cynical stances on his musical abilities. Retell - You are picking apart the characters! However, the following morning, Paul’s introspective perusals are illustrated in the self-contemplative language as he “unpeeled the ball of paper carefully, like a mandarin, then read through to the end”, facilitating his bitter recognition of the fact that Keller’s comments were indeed correct. Retell, you are listing the events of the story in order with some additional details. This isn't going to get you marks! The diction of “carefully” and simile of “mandarin” symbolises their relationship to responders as one characterised by tough love, requiring circumspection and patience to achieve relational effectiveness in its entirety. What does this show the responders? What do we learn? Evidently, with Paul’s increasing erosion of complacency comes the feeling that he is “finally beginning to gain some sort of understanding of the man”, suggesting that his gradual identification of his moral shortcomings is parallel to the progression of their unconventional relationship. Ensure all techniques have quotes! It is Paul’s unique experience with Keller that allows the responder to develop a complex understanding of the capacity of relationship dissonance to exert moral growth and maturity. Try to make concluding sentences conceptually broad and non text specific, that way the idea can exist beyond the text itself, which is a better style to adopt!
By reaffirming conventional morality through providing a guilt-ridden transgression of it, Keller’s prevalent resort to alcoholism examines the necessity for escapism when individuals are confronted by extreme circumstances opposing the ideals of the human condition. Adopting an escapist mentality, Keller’s behaviour seen through Paul’s shifting perspective compel responders to perceive him through the entanglements of trauma rather than the simplicities of basic human response. What does this show us about human experience more generally. Try and make those broader links regularly. During Paul's migration to Darwin, he becomes overwhelmed by the deficiency of order within the Swan Hotel; it clearly juxtaposes that of Adelaide, hence the implication of physical excessiveness in the diction of "overgrown", "crumbling" and "spilling". Retell. This implication elicits a sense of claustrophobia, emphasising Paul's seclusion and unfamiliarity within such an environment – the negative connotation suggesting his contempt for its corruption. While the dominance of unrestrained alcoholism is a depiction of Darwin's socially unhealthy culture, the chaos inherent in the metaphorical reference of "noise spilling out of the front bar onto the garden" portrays the city as the epitome of youth and recklessness to responders. Good, this is a better bit of analysis because it is focusing more on what the audience learns about themselves and something they relate to, not necessarily to a fictional character. Thus, the fact that Keller–an elite symbol of musical excellence and wisdom–resides in such an oppressive environment emphasises the extremities he has extended himself to in order to maintain his sanity, illuminating to responders the way in which he utilises alcoholism as a means of escape. What does this show about overcoming adversity more broadly? When the cyclone hits Darwin, the symbolic imagery evoked through the use of anaphora and polysyndeton in his description of Keller’s survival “by sheltering beneath the supine, beneath his grand piano, his beloved Bosendorfer, wet and shivering and lacerated” represents the extent to which he relies on the piano as a source of sanctity to escape the reality of his emotions. Where once Keller was betrayed by his music-driven lifestyle, it also provides a means that, figuratively and literally, saved his life. Evidently, Paul’s unique observations of Keller’s predominant reliance on these entities as a means to diminish his guilt-driven conscience allows responders to consider the extent of the psychological ramifications that trauma imposes on individuals. The conclusion featuring the characters but not the composer is the big piece of evidence that we are too text focused.
While Paul equivocates between introspection and egotistical disregard, his vicarious exposure to unorthodox experiences of the human condition–the corrosive impacts of trauma, its ability to erode the functionality of relationships and the need for escapism–progressively become definitive parallels to his development into maturity. This uniquely rendered perspective compels responders to not only engage in this process of maturation, but also allows them to understand the underlying sense of distrust and anxieties that characterised the post-World War II period, thus rendering ‘Maestro’ as a text of enduring significance.
Conceptually this is a fantastic essay with excellent arguments and analysis in many places. However, the approach is a little too text focused - You are really focusing on characters, where you should try and abstract a little and talk instead about what the composer is doing to communicate with their responder. The composer definitely needs more mentions, especially in a Module B essay ;D
You should also work on simplifying expression a tad! Using the phrases from the question in your own responses to make it clear you are responding properly, shortening sentences to enhance clarity. Even with such brilliantly complex and well considered ideas, sometimes simplicity is bliss ;)
Overall, excellent work! Hopefully my comments can be helpful ;D
Omg thankyou so much, this is actually incredibly helpful, especially because my teacher hasn't returned my draft yet. The school's cutting people who receive under 85% in this essay out of Advanced for Year 12 and I really don't want to be dropped to Standard, so this really means a lot! :)
Also, I know it's not ideal to 'retell', but my teacher said it's important to place some context/background around the quotes so that it's not just in there randomly? She said it's better to link to the character and THEN the concept rather than just skipping immediately to the concept, so how would you suggest going about that without being too character/text focused?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 09, 2017, 02:01:08 pm
Omg thankyou so much, this is actually incredibly helpful, especially because my teacher hasn't returned my draft yet. The school's cutting people who receive under 85% in this essay out of Advanced for Year 12 and I really don't want to be dropped to Standard, so this really means a lot! :)
Ohhh so this is Module B for Year 11? I gotcha - Make sure you don't let them drop you if you get anything even remotely close to 85%. You have a right to do the course you want to do provided you can keep up - I hate schools that mandate getting a Band 6 level mark in Year 11 to do the Year 12 course. Results driven nonsense :P
Quote
Also, I know it's not ideal to 'retell', but my teacher said it's important to place some context/background around the quotes so that it's not just in there randomly? She said it's better to link to the character and THEN the concept rather than just skipping immediately to the concept, so how would you suggest going about that without being too character/text focused?
Definitely important to contextualise - And you do have a character based question, so I totally get it. I suppose the big giveaway you are too text focused is that the composer isn't mentioned throughout. We are analysing a text for the perspective presented by the composer, so there needs to be a recognition of, "Okay, here's the character, they've been framed this way by the composer to present their perspective." Characters are just puppets that represent and communicate the ideas of the composer.
If you constantly think of characters as puppets it starts to make sense. Because although you talk about the puppet, you are really talking about how the ventriloquist manipulates the puppet, that is always behind everything. And it is the same here ;D
Post by: Lumenoria on September 09, 2017, 03:35:46 pm
Ohhh so this is Module B for Year 11? I gotcha - Make sure you don't let them drop you if you get anything even remotely close to 85%. You have a right to do the course you want to do provided you can keep up - I hate schools that mandate getting a Band 6 level mark in Year 11 to do the Year 12 course. Results driven nonsense :P
Definitely important to contextualise - And you do have a character based question, so I totally get it. I suppose the big giveaway you are too text focused is that the composer isn't mentioned throughout. We are analysing a text for the perspective presented by the composer, so there needs to be a recognition of, "Okay, here's the character, they've been framed this way by the composer to present their perspective." Characters are just puppets that represent and communicate the ideas of the composer.
If you constantly think of characters as puppets it starts to make sense. Because although you talk about the puppet, you are really talking about how the ventriloquist manipulates the puppet, that is always behind everything. And it is the same here ;D
Hahahhaha I know hey. Basically, only the top 40 out of the current 70 will be allowed to proceed to Advanced next year—the head said that if you get below 85 and you're still in the top 40 (which will probably be me), you have to 'appeal' to her about your ability to stay in Advanced hahahahaha, it's actually ridiculous. I will actually be really annoyed if I have to drop because I also do English Ext, so I'd have to drop that too :( Though I'm ranking within the top 3 in that, so hopefully that will help increase my chances of staying heheh.
Ahhh I see, that helps a lot. Thanks! :)
Post by: katnisschung on September 10, 2017, 02:50:56 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 11, 2017, 11:47:19 pm
Could I please have feedback for this Mod B T.S. Eliot Essay?
THANK YOU!! :)
Sure thing!
Spoiler
How does Eliot use fragmentation to portray alienation in his poetry?
In your response, make detailed reference to The Hollow Men and at least ONE other poem set for study.
T.S. Eliot’s poetry scrutinises the perpetual tension between tradition and modernity in order to highlight the complete ineptitude of man to find meaning in contemporary civilisation. Interesting concept! I like it, though you could expand on it a bit more, explain it a tad more. In ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (1915) and ‘The Hollow Men’ (1925) T.S Eliot explores the changing value of religion, humanity’s emotional and moral decay, and the futility of life. Eliot powerfully utilises fragmentation both in subject and in form to portray a dehumanised society pervaded by a sense of alienation. Excellent link to the question here. My response to Eliot’s poetry holds that in exploring the theme of increasingly isolated relationships and disconnect amidst humanity, Eliot not only confronts philosophical and existential questions which permeate contextual barriers, but his effective use of fragmentation enables his poetry to resonate with the modern listener such as myself. Use of first person in Module B is contentious - I'm personally against it. You can get your view across without use of personal pronouns. However, fantastic introduction!!
The value of religious tradition was challenged and reassessed throughout the modernist movement. Eliot expresses his concern that modernity is to blame for society loss of Judeo-Christian values. Good concept, good link to the text and context - A stronger link to the question is perhaps all I'd suggest here. Eliot inserts fragments of the Lord’s Prayer into the fourth and final section of ‘The Hollow Men’. Why? What does it achieve? “For Thine Is the Kingdom” is used as a refrain to suggest the failed attempt of individuals to find order and meaning within the fractured postwar culture. What technique is this specifically? The incomplete excerpts also suggest that modern society has only broken fragments of Judeo-Christian traditions and values. Good concept, but there's no techniques (meaning no analysis) to back it up. In ‘Journey of the Magi’ Eliot describes “an alien people clutching their Gods”. This imagery suggests that the ‘Gods’ are physical items which can be held on to. Try to put your quotes in the same sentence as the technique - It will improve your flow! Eliot believes that the modern world is so far removed from religion traditions that the sacred ritual of worship has been cleansed down to the holding of an object. The people in Eliot’s society have been described as ‘alien’. Techniques? How is this relevant to your key idea of fragmentation? With his conservative Christian values, Eliot is isolated from this society thereby perceiving its inhabitants as ‘alien’. With powerful biblical imagery, “three trees on the low sky”, Eliot alludes to the three calvary crosses. Better use of techniques, but what is the significance of this allusion? This anachronistic image is ambiguous in its symbolism. Is Eliot referencing the crucifixion of christ for the salvation of humanity? Or is he referring to the journey of the three wise men to witness the birth of christ? Careful - This is an essay. Not the place for rhetorical questions, keep the tone academic. My response to Eliot’s ambiguity is that he succeeds in composing poetry which resonates amongst modern audiences, as both interpretations entail universal images with transcend the context of the time. A conceptually strong paragraph but the analysis can't quite keep up - Needs more techniques and more explanation of their impact on the audience!
Eliot’s poetry is deeply characterised by a sustained concern for the emotional decay of humanity. Slight wording issue at the start there, "deep characterisation" doesn't quite click. He believed the tensions brought out by the rise of modernity were the cause of this decay. ‘The Hollow Men’ explores this concern through fragmented images of barren physical landscapes. The simile “whispers…quiet and meaningless / As wind in dry grass” uses visual and auditory imagery to suggest that the voices, like the grass, are “dried”. Try to link the techniques to a grander concept, not just to a minor detail about the text. That which is dry lacks nourishment and moisture and is consequently seen as barren or dead. Try not to give explanations like these their own sentence, it interrupts the flow of analysing Eliot's work. Thus, Eliot suggests that the hollow men live a meaningless life and that their voices, in being dry, scarcely speak for themselves. By comparing the voices of 20th century society to a desolate grassland, Eliot represents a society of emotionally apathetic hollow men who are unable to compose sentences with substance and participate in authentic human communication. How is this comparison achieved? Eliot plays on sound by employing a fragmented use of the word ‘eye’. “The eyes are not here” suggests decaying humanities’ inability to see or perceive, thereby resulting in emotional isolation. Technique? “There are no eyes here” ambiguously reads as ‘I’s’ which suggests that in a society caught in the tensions of modernity, there is no concept of the individual. Technique? People only exist in the collective. Thus Eliot conveys the decay of a humanity which alienates the concept of ‘individual’. Another conceptually strong paragraph, but the techniques aren't there to support it.
The emotional decay of humanity is not only explored through subject in Eliot’s poetry, he extends his portrayal of the alienating experience of Man by means of fragmented structure. What is the effect of the fragmented structure on the audience? The opening stanzas, long and digress, represent Prufrock’s indecisive, dithering personality. Don't analyse characters - They are puppets, they need to be linked to grander ideas of alienation! The motivic allusion to Shakespeare's ‘Hamlet’ suggesting Prufrock’s indecision first appears with the “overwhelming question…” introduced in the first stanza. Beyond telling us something new about Prufrock, what does this allusion achieve? The ellipsis provides a lingering pause and a moment of suspended hesitation for the reader before the question ceases to be revealed. To what effect? What's our response? The poem’s free verse is fragmented by an insertion of iambic pentameter in the line “No! I am not prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. Why? In the inter-textual reference to Hamlet’s line - “To be or not to be, that is the question”, Eliot, rather than having an unstressed feminine ending in “question”, ends with a stressed syllable - “be”. Prufrock again avoids the ‘question’. We are retelling the story and the actions of a character - Your marker knows all of thsis already! His avoidance reflects not only Prufrock’s own indecision and lack of certainty, but by extension the entirety of modern humanity. In fragmenting his poem with intertextual references, Eliot highlights Prufrock’s decaying humanity to the extent of his inability to claim originality over his own thoughts. The decay of humanity in leading to a pervasive sense of alienation and lack of purpose is an idea which permeates through contextual barriers, holding truth still today in 21st century society.
Eliot blamed modernity for the alienation of individuals within society. ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ demonstrates fragmentation in both mode and matter to explore the loss of social and emotional authenticity. Good summary of concepts.Eliot's poetry resonates with my own experience of living in the twenty first century where digital communication hinders the sincerity of conversations. We have become out of touch with our emotions and our sense of identity to the point where we live our lives in a constant state of sedation. This can be compared to Prufrock’s etherised patient and the straw-stuffed heads. The relatable aspect of isolation ensures the continuing value of Eliot's poetry into the twenty-first century. I like the recognition of the modern context, but again, I wouldn't do it in first person.
In your response, make detailed reference to The Hollow Men and at least ONE other poem set for study.
T.S. Eliot’s poetry scrutinises the perpetual tension between tradition and modernity in order to highlight the complete ineptitude of man to find meaning in contemporary civilisation. Interesting concept! I like it, though you could expand on it a bit more, explain it a tad more. In ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (1915) and ‘The Hollow Men’ (1925) T.S Eliot explores the changing value of religion, humanity’s emotional and moral decay, and the futility of life. Eliot powerfully utilises fragmentation both in subject and in form to portray a dehumanised society pervaded by a sense of alienation. Excellent link to the question here. My response to Eliot’s poetry holds that in exploring the theme of increasingly isolated relationships and disconnect amidst humanity, Eliot not only confronts philosophical and existential questions which permeate contextual barriers, but his effective use of fragmentation enables his poetry to resonate with the modern listener such as myself. Use of first person in Module B is contentious - I'm personally against it. You can get your view across without use of personal pronouns. However, fantastic introduction!!
The value of religious tradition was challenged and reassessed throughout the modernist movement. Eliot expresses his concern that modernity is to blame for society loss of Judeo-Christian values. Good concept, good link to the text and context - A stronger link to the question is perhaps all I'd suggest here. Eliot inserts fragments of the Lord’s Prayer into the fourth and final section of ‘The Hollow Men’. Why? What does it achieve? “For Thine Is the Kingdom” is used as a refrain to suggest the failed attempt of individuals to find order and meaning within the fractured postwar culture. What technique is this specifically? The incomplete excerpts also suggest that modern society has only broken fragments of Judeo-Christian traditions and values. Good concept, but there's no techniques (meaning no analysis) to back it up. In ‘Journey of the Magi’ Eliot describes “an alien people clutching their Gods”. This imagery suggests that the ‘Gods’ are physical items which can be held on to. Try to put your quotes in the same sentence as the technique - It will improve your flow! Eliot believes that the modern world is so far removed from religion traditions that the sacred ritual of worship has been cleansed down to the holding of an object. The people in Eliot’s society have been described as ‘alien’. Techniques? How is this relevant to your key idea of fragmentation? With his conservative Christian values, Eliot is isolated from this society thereby perceiving its inhabitants as ‘alien’. With powerful biblical imagery, “three trees on the low sky”, Eliot alludes to the three calvary crosses. Better use of techniques, but what is the significance of this allusion? This anachronistic image is ambiguous in its symbolism. Is Eliot referencing the crucifixion of christ for the salvation of humanity? Or is he referring to the journey of the three wise men to witness the birth of christ? Careful - This is an essay. Not the place for rhetorical questions, keep the tone academic. My response to Eliot’s ambiguity is that he succeeds in composing poetry which resonates amongst modern audiences, as both interpretations entail universal images with transcend the context of the time. A conceptually strong paragraph but the analysis can't quite keep up - Needs more techniques and more explanation of their impact on the audience!
Eliot’s poetry is deeply characterised by a sustained concern for the emotional decay of humanity. Slight wording issue at the start there, "deep characterisation" doesn't quite click. He believed the tensions brought out by the rise of modernity were the cause of this decay. ‘The Hollow Men’ explores this concern through fragmented images of barren physical landscapes. The simile “whispers…quiet and meaningless / As wind in dry grass” uses visual and auditory imagery to suggest that the voices, like the grass, are “dried”. Try to link the techniques to a grander concept, not just to a minor detail about the text. That which is dry lacks nourishment and moisture and is consequently seen as barren or dead. Try not to give explanations like these their own sentence, it interrupts the flow of analysing Eliot's work. Thus, Eliot suggests that the hollow men live a meaningless life and that their voices, in being dry, scarcely speak for themselves. By comparing the voices of 20th century society to a desolate grassland, Eliot represents a society of emotionally apathetic hollow men who are unable to compose sentences with substance and participate in authentic human communication. How is this comparison achieved? Eliot plays on sound by employing a fragmented use of the word ‘eye’. “The eyes are not here” suggests decaying humanities’ inability to see or perceive, thereby resulting in emotional isolation. Technique? “There are no eyes here” ambiguously reads as ‘I’s’ which suggests that in a society caught in the tensions of modernity, there is no concept of the individual. Technique? People only exist in the collective. Thus Eliot conveys the decay of a humanity which alienates the concept of ‘individual’. Another conceptually strong paragraph, but the techniques aren't there to support it.
The emotional decay of humanity is not only explored through subject in Eliot’s poetry, he extends his portrayal of the alienating experience of Man by means of fragmented structure. What is the effect of the fragmented structure on the audience? The opening stanzas, long and digress, represent Prufrock’s indecisive, dithering personality. Don't analyse characters - They are puppets, they need to be linked to grander ideas of alienation! The motivic allusion to Shakespeare's ‘Hamlet’ suggesting Prufrock’s indecision first appears with the “overwhelming question…” introduced in the first stanza. Beyond telling us something new about Prufrock, what does this allusion achieve? The ellipsis provides a lingering pause and a moment of suspended hesitation for the reader before the question ceases to be revealed. To what effect? What's our response? The poem’s free verse is fragmented by an insertion of iambic pentameter in the line “No! I am not prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. Why? In the inter-textual reference to Hamlet’s line - “To be or not to be, that is the question”, Eliot, rather than having an unstressed feminine ending in “question”, ends with a stressed syllable - “be”. Prufrock again avoids the ‘question’. We are retelling the story and the actions of a character - Your marker knows all of thsis already! His avoidance reflects not only Prufrock’s own indecision and lack of certainty, but by extension the entirety of modern humanity. In fragmenting his poem with intertextual references, Eliot highlights Prufrock’s decaying humanity to the extent of his inability to claim originality over his own thoughts. The decay of humanity in leading to a pervasive sense of alienation and lack of purpose is an idea which permeates through contextual barriers, holding truth still today in 21st century society.
Eliot blamed modernity for the alienation of individuals within society. ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ demonstrates fragmentation in both mode and matter to explore the loss of social and emotional authenticity. Good summary of concepts.Eliot's poetry resonates with my own experience of living in the twenty first century where digital communication hinders the sincerity of conversations. We have become out of touch with our emotions and our sense of identity to the point where we live our lives in a constant state of sedation. This can be compared to Prufrock’s etherised patient and the straw-stuffed heads. The relatable aspect of isolation ensures the continuing value of Eliot's poetry into the twenty-first century. I like the recognition of the modern context, but again, I wouldn't do it in first person.
A conceptually strong essay Georgia, fantastic ideas in here! It's just the analysis that needs work - Make sure you've always got all of these things for every quote:
Technique used by the composer
Effect this technique is intended to have
Audience Response to this technique
All appeared in your essay, but it's about doing all of them, all the time! ;D I hope my comments are useful :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 13, 2017, 12:58:36 pm
can somebody please clarify Eliot's intentions of using stream of consciousness, my teacher pointed out that my analysis was incorrect....she wanted me to go deeper into the fact that the technique is a representation of Prufrock's disorientated state, who an archetype of modern man represents the disorientated state of society as a whole etc... any tips on this plus other stuff in the essay would be much appreciated. Also I'm aware that I didn't include concluding sentences in a few paragraphs because I got lazy. Also she was not happy with my thesis saying it was too specific?? IT WAS LITERALLY THE MOST BROAD THESIS THAT COULD ENCOMPASS ANYTHING ??? also need help cutting out around 200 words plus inserting personal opinions... apparently i need to do this explicitly... i thought the analysis of the poetry itself was my interpretation of it.. yeah i received 15/20 and I need to push this into the a range. THANKS!
Spoiler
The ideas & techniques of the poetry of TS Eliot reflect the perspective of the Modernists.
Examine this statement for at least 2 poems
Include your personal reflections on the poems.
Eliot’s poetry is modernist as it is a reaction against the modern era. Not sure about this opening sentence, although it is essentially a definition of what makes a text a modernist piece which isn't irrelevant, you're not identifying yourself as anything spectacular at this point just because it's not grabbing of the marker. I think this is what your teacher means - it's broad as you say, because it doesn't really talk about something really unique, but it's specific like your teacher says, because it's essentially a definition. The need to realistically portray the disillusioned state of man and society as resulting from the breakdown of traditional structures is a central belief of the modernists. Eliot elucidates this through employing radical techniques to convey the attitudes of this modernist era: life as futile and a loss of hope for the betterment of the world. These ideas are evident in his poems, Just me being picky, but I think we can take a step beyond "evident" to, "particularly evident" or "notably poignant" or something along these lines - the ideas don't just exist here, this is where they will be BEST shown. “The lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock”, and “Rhapsody on a Windy Night”. Eliot attributes these pessimistic attitudes to the detachment between people, their world and sense of self due to conformity modern society demands. I've grown to like the introduction more than I did at the beginning. It's a different style to what we typically see in Module B poems because people are more likely inclined to take a lower modality in order to meet the demands of the "personal reflections" but I think you've done it well overall.
Eliot portrays modern man's futility of life for modern man Two "modern man" here and I'm a little confused? Might just need to rephrase this to get the most bang for your buck :) as caused by a confusion of his purpose, due to the lack of a clear identity. This has led to the pursuit of a superficial identity as a means to find direction in their lives. In line with modernist thought, this pursuit is conveyed as merely a means of distraction from man’s disillusioned state, attributed to the breakdown of faith in government and religion, entities which once shaped values and beliefs. Eliot employs the modernist technique, stream of consciousnesscomma again which captures Prufrock’s disorientated mental state; an archetypal depiction of modern man. Repetition of the rhetorical question, “how should I presume?” is indicative of man’s failure to find his purpose in an uncertain world, the lack of answers indicating his inability to take action. Howarth supports Eliot’s use of such technique, as it does not “just report feeling” but “extend feeling and creat[es] a shape to convey it.” In Prufrock, Eliot constructs a persona, thus effectively exemplifying his personal struggles in realising his purposelessness rather than filtered through the narration of an observer. Use of the first person “I”, adds greater validity to the sentiments portrayed. Further, the exclamatory, “It is impossible to say just what I mean!” elucidates the irony of man’s pursuit of a superficial identity, as a means to finding purpose, as he is prevented from forming his own meaning. Eliot crafts a defeated tone in “that is not what I meant at all,” to indicate man has lost sight of his objective in finding purpose through forming a clear identity. Thus Eliot elucidates the Modernist perspective of the disillusionment of man due to the loss of faith in traditional beliefs through stream of consciousness. He attributes this to be the cause of man’s lack of purpose. This paragraph is very on topic - it addresses the question quite well. I will say, about this question, is that in some ways it's very kind. You essentially need to prove in your essay that the text is in fact from the period and genre it is actually from, and how it's construction confirms this. So it is very kind, but the trap that a lot of students will fall into with this kind of question is not bringing original and pertinent angles, and instead just agreeing and moving on. But you've brought in the notion of identity and confusion which is great, because even though the question is broad, you're tying it back down to reality. I think it's great. You've very judiciously chosen examples from the text for this paragraph. I have no doubt your grasp on the texts is strong.
Through Rhapsody, Eliot constructs the notion of the futility of life for modern man as he is stripped of his individuality; demeaned merely to economic means as seen through man’s mechanical routine. As a way of extending this essay - I wonder if you could link the previous points about confusionn of identity, to the experience of being stripped of identity? It might be a nice link between the paragraphs. Eliot attributes this to the effect of industrialisation, devaluing the worth of humanity and forming an irreparable, dysfunctional society, reflecting the modernist perspective for the need of greater psychological realism. The oppressive nature of modern man’s routine, dictated by habits and an absence of thought before action is established by Eliot through aural imagery. An ominous, unstoppable rhythm is established through “beats like a fatalistic drum”, forcing the responder to follow it mechanically to draw parallels to modern man’s routine. Such ideas are furthered by the metaphorical, “broken spring”, portraysing* humanity as simply a cog within a greater machine. Its “read[iness] to snap”, is symbolic of the communal worthlessness. Eliot also conveys that humanity will remain in an inescapable realm of self-worthlessness, as actions continue to be mechanical into the future. A “child’s hand” is crafted by Eliot to be symbolic of machinery, highlighted through the use of the adjective “automatic”. This presents a Modernist subversion of traditional Romantic symbolism of children as pure;, rather they are forsaken which ultimately presents the view of future generations who remain directionless and without the support of belief systems . Throughout Rhapsody, Eliot draws support to Freud’s proposal that humans are not so rational, rather their conduct and control is at the mercy of “forces lying buried deep within the unconscious”. Thus Eliot identifies industrialisation as the cause of modern man’s mechanical routine that suppresses emotions, in turn degrading humanity as a whole. Again, another judiciously supported paragraph. What does stand out for me is that the question asks for your personal reflection. typically Module B questions are calling on your personal response, but this is reflection. Maybe it's only small in the wording but the criteria would be really good to evaluate here to see how much of this personal reflection you should be bringing in. Typically students do quite well at expressing their personal response simply by taking an angle and supporting it, in Module B, but this wording is different to what we usually see. Is this a practice response to a criteria you have access to? Because it might be worthwhile taking a look at how that all fits in.
Through Prufrock Eliot presents the responder with the disconcerting prospect of the total loss of hope for the betterment of the modern world. The composer attributes this to the modernist belief of industrialisation as the cause of disillusionment, as humanity struggles with a dilemma of their own construction. Prufrock is symbolic of the fragmented “soul” lacking a capacity to hope. Eliot enables an insight into modern man’s disparaging mindset through the lens of Prufrock by use of internal monologue, constructing vivid visual imagery through Prufrock’s perspective. Marine imagery established in “till human voices wake us & we drown,” conveys the vastness of the world and belittles the individual, whilst the inclusive “we” attributes humanity as perpetuating this meaninglessness. Such ideas are extended through the objective correlative of the “yellow fog”; evoking imagery of the seedy industrialised city that has entrapped man in this state. The extent of its pervading presence is conveyed through personification, “lick[ing] its’ tongue into the corners of the evening”. This evoked a sordid image of a city devoid of hope elucidating the discomfort humanity faces is This doesn't quite make sense, this sentence. Try read it out loud. When we get to the "is" it doesn't make grammatical sense anymore, because the "is" has to come after a noun that is constructed by modern man, and we aren't sure if that is the discomfort, the image, or the city. constructed by modern man himself and is thus inescapable. Eliot elucidates such a vision of the world, as perceived by modern man, to show he himself is responsible for the total loss of hope for betterment in a world humanity has constructed. The repetitive rhetorical questioning of “would it have been worth it,” indicates that this mindset has left modern man to constantly doubt the value of anything. Thus Eliot portrays this meaninglessness to be perpetuated by man himself due to his disillusioned state, caused by the industrialist environment that leaves no room for the individual.
Rhapsody communicates the modernist perception is of a pessimistic society in decay. Eliot attributes a sense of decay to the lack of hope individuals have for the possibility of positive change, as they have lost their meaning in the world. Through a cinematic like technique, vivid visual images of the past are produced, symbolic of the state of man’s memory. These disturbing images of the past draw upon Bergson’s idea that the “soul” was “formed by a memory of images”, with the implication that humanity is as broken and irreparable as their memories, and will continue to be so in the future Eliot crafts “memory”, to “throw up”, “a twisted branch” where the motif of “twisted objects” demonstrates the distorted world of the past resurfacing; a reminder to the individual that the present remains unchanged and the world is stagnant. Within Rhapsody, the “geraniums” symbolise the persona’s memory, characterised as “sunless and dry” to evoke imagery of a desolate world where there is an incapacity for growth and change. Furthermore, kinaesthesia established through a “madman” who “shakes a dead geranium”, evokes sensory imagery of the possibility of life emerging from a world full of individuals who are lifeless as a thought drawn from insanity. Thus, any possibility for the betterment of the world is undercut with the notion of lifeless people broken by a past which continually resurfaces to adversely disturb their perception of the future. This has echoes of Woringer’s perspective of the modern world, in which the “individual remains colonised by the experiences gathered by the world outside.” Nice inclusion! Eliot's use of the adjective describing it to be full of “despondency and despair,” eliminates any possibility of hope for change. Thus through a series of images, Eliot constructs a picture of a society beyond repair, in which individuals remain without significance, diminishing hope for change.
Thus through exploring the concerns of the futility of life and loss of hope for betterment, Eliot ascribes them to emerge as a result of the breakdown of traditional values and beliefs. The need for this realisation by society is believed as imperative by Modernists. It was thought to be best achieved through the employment of radical techniques to cause the responder to reconsider their perspectives of the modern era.
Examine this statement for at least 2 poems
Include your personal reflections on the poems.
Eliot’s poetry is modernist as it is a reaction against the modern era. Not sure about this opening sentence, although it is essentially a definition of what makes a text a modernist piece which isn't irrelevant, you're not identifying yourself as anything spectacular at this point just because it's not grabbing of the marker. I think this is what your teacher means - it's broad as you say, because it doesn't really talk about something really unique, but it's specific like your teacher says, because it's essentially a definition. The need to realistically portray the disillusioned state of man and society as resulting from the breakdown of traditional structures is a central belief of the modernists. Eliot elucidates this through employing radical techniques to convey the attitudes of this modernist era: life as futile and a loss of hope for the betterment of the world. These ideas are evident in his poems, Just me being picky, but I think we can take a step beyond "evident" to, "particularly evident" or "notably poignant" or something along these lines - the ideas don't just exist here, this is where they will be BEST shown. “The lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock”, and “Rhapsody on a Windy Night”. Eliot attributes these pessimistic attitudes to the detachment between people, their world and sense of self due to conformity modern society demands. I've grown to like the introduction more than I did at the beginning. It's a different style to what we typically see in Module B poems because people are more likely inclined to take a lower modality in order to meet the demands of the "personal reflections" but I think you've done it well overall.
Eliot portrays modern man's futility of life for modern man Two "modern man" here and I'm a little confused? Might just need to rephrase this to get the most bang for your buck :) as caused by a confusion of his purpose, due to the lack of a clear identity. This has led to the pursuit of a superficial identity as a means to find direction in their lives. In line with modernist thought, this pursuit is conveyed as merely a means of distraction from man’s disillusioned state, attributed to the breakdown of faith in government and religion, entities which once shaped values and beliefs. Eliot employs the modernist technique, stream of consciousnesscomma again which captures Prufrock’s disorientated mental state; an archetypal depiction of modern man. Repetition of the rhetorical question, “how should I presume?” is indicative of man’s failure to find his purpose in an uncertain world, the lack of answers indicating his inability to take action. Howarth supports Eliot’s use of such technique, as it does not “just report feeling” but “extend
Through Rhapsody, Eliot constructs the notion of the futility of life for modern man as he is stripped of his individuality; demeaned merely to economic means as seen through man’s mechanical routine. As a way of extending this essay - I wonder if you could link the previous points about confusionn of identity, to the experience of being stripped of identity? It might be a nice link between the paragraphs. Eliot attributes this to the effect of industrialisation, devaluing the worth of humanity and forming an irreparable, dysfunctional society, reflecting the modernist perspective for the need of greater psychological realism. The oppressive nature of modern man’s routine, dictated by habits and an absence of thought before action is established by Eliot through aural imagery. An ominous, unstoppable rhythm is established through “beats like a fatalistic drum”, forcing the responder to follow it mechanically to draw parallels to modern man’s routine. Such ideas are furthered by the metaphorical, “broken spring”, portray
Through Prufrock Eliot presents the responder with the disconcerting prospect of the total loss of hope for the betterment of the modern world. The composer attributes this to the modernist belief of industrialisation as the cause of disillusionment, as humanity struggles with a dilemma of their own construction. Prufrock is symbolic of the fragmented “soul” lacking a capacity to hope. Eliot enables an insight into modern man’s disparaging mindset through the lens of Prufrock by use of internal monologue, constructing vivid visual imagery through Prufrock’s perspective. Marine imagery established in “till human voices wake us & we drown,” conveys the vastness of the world and belittles the individual, whilst the inclusive “we” attributes humanity as perpetuating this meaninglessness. Such ideas are extended through the objective correlative of the “yellow fog”; evoking imagery of the seedy industrialised city that has entrapped man in this state. The extent of its pervading presence is conveyed through personification, “lick[ing] its’ tongue into the corners of the evening”. This evoked a sordid image of a city devoid of hope elucidating the discomfort humanity faces is This doesn't quite make sense, this sentence. Try read it out loud. When we get to the "is" it doesn't make grammatical sense anymore, because the "is" has to come after a noun that is constructed by modern man, and we aren't sure if that is the discomfort, the image, or the city. constructed by modern man himself and is thus inescapable. Eliot elucidates such a vision of the world, as perceived by modern man, to show he himself is responsible for the total loss of hope for betterment in a world humanity has constructed. The repetitive rhetorical questioning of “would it have been worth it,” indicates that this mindset has left modern man to constantly doubt the value of anything. Thus Eliot portrays this meaninglessness to be perpetuated by man himself due to his disillusioned state, caused by the industrialist environment that leaves no room for the individual.
Rhapsody communicates the modernist perception is of a pessimistic society in decay. Eliot attributes a sense of decay to the lack of hope individuals have for the possibility of positive change, as they have lost their meaning in the world. Through a cinematic like technique, vivid visual images of the past are produced, symbolic of the state of man’s memory. These disturbing images of the past draw upon Bergson’s idea that the “soul” was “formed by a memory of images”, with the implication that humanity is as broken and irreparable as their memories, and will continue to be so in the future Eliot crafts “memory”, to “throw up”, “a twisted branch” where the motif of “twisted objects” demonstrates the distorted world of the past resurfacing; a reminder to the individual that the present remains unchanged and the world is stagnant. Within Rhapsody, the “geraniums” symbolise the persona’s memory, characterised as “sunless and dry” to evoke imagery of a desolate world where there is an incapacity for growth and change. Furthermore, kinaesthesia established through a “madman” who “shakes a dead geranium”, evokes sensory imagery of the possibility of life emerging from a world full of individuals who are lifeless as a thought drawn from insanity. Thus, any possibility for the betterment of the world is undercut with the notion of lifeless people broken by a past which continually resurfaces to adversely disturb their perception of the future. This has echoes of Woringer’s perspective of the modern world, in which the “individual remains colonised by the experiences gathered by the world outside.” Nice inclusion! Eliot's use of the adjective describing it to be full of “despondency and despair,” eliminates any possibility of hope for change. Thus through a series of images, Eliot constructs a picture of a society beyond repair, in which individuals remain without significance, diminishing hope for change.
Thus through exploring the concerns of the futility of life and loss of hope for betterment, Eliot ascribes them to emerge as a result of the breakdown of traditional values and beliefs. The need for this realisation by society is believed as imperative by Modernists. It was thought to be best achieved through the employment of radical techniques to cause the responder to reconsider their perspectives of the modern era.
Some of the greatest things about your essay:
-The way you're embedding aspects of the text super seamlessly in the analysis. Excellent work! Love that.
-Judiciously choosing aspects of the work to focus on, and aspects to link. Really a strong point in your work I think!
-The way you've breathed direction into a very broad question.
Some things I suggest we work on:
-There is a tendency to refer to "man himself" which I understand is the terminology often used when discussing modernist work, but it features very prominently in your essay and I think we could use this is a focal point to extend the essay. By this I mean, we could look at the "personal reflection" here a bit more and engage scholars in a cohesive way. The "man himself" term is about internalising man as the central aspect of discourse in modernism. You'll notice that "man himself" has a different connotation to "man" - it places greater significance on the "man". Notice the gendered language here as well - consistently discussing man, as opposed to human, person, or woman. You have a few options here, you could take on a feminist reading of the texts and discuss the place of "man" as not being an embodiment of society, but of a patriarchal society. You could take on the fact of what it is to be oneself, (cue Descartes). Because this is a central feature of your language in the essay: "man himself." I hope this makes sense to you because I'm actually having a hard time explaining what I mean to you. The focus on "man himself" is not accidental - it's about man having a centralised control over the societal discourse surrounding. Take an angle about this as your personal reflection - was man wrong to centralise himself in the discourse, because he is actually a product of society, not society a product of him? I don't recommend that every essay take this kind of approach, but yours appears to go in that direction and it's cohesive with your teacher's feedback that this is how you explore this. What do you think? :)
Post by: georgiia on September 13, 2017, 01:13:48 pm
Sure thing!SpoilerHow does Eliot use fragmentation to portray alienation in his poetry?
In your response, make detailed reference to The Hollow Men and at least ONE other poem set for study.
T.S. Eliot’s poetry scrutinises the perpetual tension between tradition and modernity in order to highlight the complete ineptitude of man to find meaning in contemporary civilisation. Interesting concept! I like it, though you could expand on it a bit more, explain it a tad more. In ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (1915) and ‘The Hollow Men’ (1925) T.S Eliot explores the changing value of religion, humanity’s emotional and moral decay, and the futility of life. Eliot powerfully utilises fragmentation both in subject and in form to portray a dehumanised society pervaded by a sense of alienation. Excellent link to the question here. My response to Eliot’s poetry holds that in exploring the theme of increasingly isolated relationships and disconnect amidst humanity, Eliot not only confronts philosophical and existential questions which permeate contextual barriers, but his effective use of fragmentation enables his poetry to resonate with the modern listener such as myself. Use of first person in Module B is contentious - I'm personally against it. You can get your view across without use of personal pronouns. However, fantastic introduction!!
The value of religious tradition was challenged and reassessed throughout the modernist movement. Eliot expresses his concern that modernity is to blame for society loss of Judeo-Christian values. Good concept, good link to the text and context - A stronger link to the question is perhaps all I'd suggest here. Eliot inserts fragments of the Lord’s Prayer into the fourth and final section of ‘The Hollow Men’. Why? What does it achieve? “For Thine Is the Kingdom” is used as a refrain to suggest the failed attempt of individuals to find order and meaning within the fractured postwar culture. What technique is this specifically? The incomplete excerpts also suggest that modern society has only broken fragments of Judeo-Christian traditions and values. Good concept, but there's no techniques (meaning no analysis) to back it up. In ‘Journey of the Magi’ Eliot describes “an alien people clutching their Gods”. This imagery suggests that the ‘Gods’ are physical items which can be held on to. Try to put your quotes in the same sentence as the technique - It will improve your flow! Eliot believes that the modern world is so far removed from religion traditions that the sacred ritual of worship has been cleansed down to the holding of an object. The people in Eliot’s society have been described as ‘alien’. Techniques? How is this relevant to your key idea of fragmentation? With his conservative Christian values, Eliot is isolated from this society thereby perceiving its inhabitants as ‘alien’. With powerful biblical imagery, “three trees on the low sky”, Eliot alludes to the three calvary crosses. Better use of techniques, but what is the significance of this allusion? This anachronistic image is ambiguous in its symbolism. Is Eliot referencing the crucifixion of christ for the salvation of humanity? Or is he referring to the journey of the three wise men to witness the birth of christ? Careful - This is an essay. Not the place for rhetorical questions, keep the tone academic. My response to Eliot’s ambiguity is that he succeeds in composing poetry which resonates amongst modern audiences, as both interpretations entail universal images with transcend the context of the time. A conceptually strong paragraph but the analysis can't quite keep up - Needs more techniques and more explanation of their impact on the audience!
Eliot’s poetry is deeply characterised by a sustained concern for the emotional decay of humanity. Slight wording issue at the start there, "deep characterisation" doesn't quite click. He believed the tensions brought out by the rise of modernity were the cause of this decay. ‘The Hollow Men’ explores this concern through fragmented images of barren physical landscapes. The simile “whispers…quiet and meaningless / As wind in dry grass” uses visual and auditory imagery to suggest that the voices, like the grass, are “dried”. Try to link the techniques to a grander concept, not just to a minor detail about the text. That which is dry lacks nourishment and moisture and is consequently seen as barren or dead. Try not to give explanations like these their own sentence, it interrupts the flow of analysing Eliot's work. Thus, Eliot suggests that the hollow men live a meaningless life and that their voices, in being dry, scarcely speak for themselves. By comparing the voices of 20th century society to a desolate grassland, Eliot represents a society of emotionally apathetic hollow men who are unable to compose sentences with substance and participate in authentic human communication. How is this comparison achieved? Eliot plays on sound by employing a fragmented use of the word ‘eye’. “The eyes are not here” suggests decaying humanities’ inability to see or perceive, thereby resulting in emotional isolation. Technique? “There are no eyes here” ambiguously reads as ‘I’s’ which suggests that in a society caught in the tensions of modernity, there is no concept of the individual. Technique? People only exist in the collective. Thus Eliot conveys the decay of a humanity which alienates the concept of ‘individual’. Another conceptually strong paragraph, but the techniques aren't there to support it.
The emotional decay of humanity is not only explored through subject in Eliot’s poetry, he extends his portrayal of the alienating experience of Man by means of fragmented structure. What is the effect of the fragmented structure on the audience? The opening stanzas, long and digress, represent Prufrock’s indecisive, dithering personality. Don't analyse characters - They are puppets, they need to be linked to grander ideas of alienation! The motivic allusion to Shakespeare's ‘Hamlet’ suggesting Prufrock’s indecision first appears with the “overwhelming question…” introduced in the first stanza. Beyond telling us something new about Prufrock, what does this allusion achieve? The ellipsis provides a lingering pause and a moment of suspended hesitation for the reader before the question ceases to be revealed. To what effect? What's our response? The poem’s free verse is fragmented by an insertion of iambic pentameter in the line “No! I am not prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. Why? In the inter-textual reference to Hamlet’s line - “To be or not to be, that is the question”, Eliot, rather than having an unstressed feminine ending in “question”, ends with a stressed syllable - “be”. Prufrock again avoids the ‘question’. We are retelling the story and the actions of a character - Your marker knows all of thsis already! His avoidance reflects not only Prufrock’s own indecision and lack of certainty, but by extension the entirety of modern humanity. In fragmenting his poem with intertextual references, Eliot highlights Prufrock’s decaying humanity to the extent of his inability to claim originality over his own thoughts. The decay of humanity in leading to a pervasive sense of alienation and lack of purpose is an idea which permeates through contextual barriers, holding truth still today in 21st century society.
Eliot blamed modernity for the alienation of individuals within society. ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ demonstrates fragmentation in both mode and matter to explore the loss of social and emotional authenticity. Good summary of concepts.Eliot's poetry resonates with my own experience of living in the twenty first century where digital communication hinders the sincerity of conversations. We have become out of touch with our emotions and our sense of identity to the point where we live our lives in a constant state of sedation. This can be compared to Prufrock’s etherised patient and the straw-stuffed heads. The relatable aspect of isolation ensures the continuing value of Eliot's poetry into the twenty-first century. I like the recognition of the modern context, but again, I wouldn't do it in first person.
A conceptually strong essay Georgia, fantastic ideas in here! It's just the analysis that needs work - Make sure you've always got all of these things for every quote:
Technique used by the composer
Effect this technique is intended to have
Audience Response to this technique
All appeared in your essay, but it's about doing all of them, all the time! ;D I hope my comments are useful :)
Thank you so much for this feedback! Do you think its far off from an A-range response? I don't usually do first person, but in our Mod A trial essay it asked for 'your response to...." and my teacher who marked that module said that the strongest answers engaged with it personally through "i..."
Thanks:)
Post by: chloeannbarwick on September 13, 2017, 02:45:36 pm
ps I'm not really sure how many points I'm up to with the essay marking system so please just let me know how many more I need if I do. Thank youuu
QUESTION - A new landscape has the ability to shift our understanding of ourselves and the wider world.
Colm Toibin’s bildungsroman ‘Brooklyn’ and Sophie Calle’s investigatory text ‘Suite Venetienne’ explore the interactions between protagonists and a number of new landscapes presented within their lives through the effective use of specific literary devices and intentions which in turn, contribute to both a protagonists and readers deepened understanding of themselves and the world, along with the changes which can occur on account of such interactions. Toibin writes his text with a great deal of both ambiguity and irony which takes considerable clarity and sophistication from readers to comprehend the shifting landscape within the Unites States of America on account of excessive immigration and the capability of this shifting landscape to impact both the protagonist and readers understanding of themselves and the wider world. Calle on the other hand, utilities similar literary devices and intentions through a number of creative forms including the combination of both text and film photography, exploring the concept of voyeurism and portraying the way’s in which a specific landscape can impact and individual’s personality.
The representation of ‘home’ within Toibin’s text reflects the “two people” of Eilis’ journey as her sense of identity in Brooklyn is depicted as never being solidified due to her feelings of nostalgia upon her time within Brooklyn being interrupted by her return to Ireland. Within Brooklyn, Eilis undergoes a number of changes with the ability to redevelop her understanding of both herself and her world. Through creating a number of parallels between Brooklyn and Ireland, Toibin allow’s readers and Eilis to discover the “two people” of her journey, the person she once was at her home in Ireland, and the person she has now become on account of her new landscape. Within Ireland, Eilis is at the mercy of her Mother, an overbearing lady who often makes her feel “like a child when the doctor would come to the house.” Toibins use of simile reveal’s how in turn, Eilis begins to depend upon her older sister Rose, hindering her growth and causing her to remain both small and powerless. Her inner turmoil however, is reversed upon her arrival within America where the new landscape allows her to play upon her new-found independence and freedom as indicated in the line “she noticed a woman studying her and realised with amusement… that she must look glamorous in these streets,” Through which Toibin’s use of ellipsis exhibit’s Eilis’ deepened understanding of herself brought forth by her deepened understanding of both her new and old landscapes, reflecting the two very different people of her journey.
Similar to that of Toibin, Calle presents the ‘two people’ of her investigatory journey through reflecting the parallel development of her two selves. Before the execution of her work, Calle states her intentions as to “push the bounds of propriety, to go where one wouldn’t ordinarily go.” Calle’s determined tone, followed by her intentions to assault privacy and autonomy highlight the enthusiasm of her previous self and her mind-set within her previous landscape. This enthusiasm, further exhibited as she states “At the end of January 1980, on the streets of Paris, I followed a man whom I lost sight of a few minutes later in the crowd. That very evening, quite by chance, he was introduced to me at an opening. During the course of our conversation, he told me he was planning an imminent trip to Venice. I decided to follow him.” By characterizing herself as inquisitive and enthusiastic, Calle constructs a version of her self which serves to contrast from the person she later becomes, prior to the conduction of her work. With Henri B as both the center and enigma of her investigatory piece, and within Venice, her new and foreign landscape, Calle begins to loose her previous enthusiasm, becoming a changed person. Calle depicts the way in which her new landscape had caused her to let her guard down within the quote “Your eyes, I recognise your eyes. That’s what you should have hidden.” The idea is that Calle is complicit in her own exposure, she is the subject as much as those she records. Through exposing the lives of others, Calle is essentially exposing herself and the development of her new self on account of her experiences within a new landscape.
Eilis’ dependence upon her older sister Rose is depicted within Brooklyn as Toibin begins to explore the influential role of the older sister. Essentially, Rose serves to initiate Eilis’ emigration from Ireland, allowing her to assimilate herself within a new landscape with a number of life-changing opportunities. In conjunction with this, the large sacrifice which Rose makes, choosing to remain in Enniscorty in order to support Mrs Lacey influences Eilis in a way which allows her to develop a deeper understanding of not only herself, but also the world. Upon Roses death and her return to her previous landscape, Enniscorty, Eilis experiences an identity crisis of sorts, her emotions becoming compounded by her Mother who dresses Eilis in Roses clothes and maker her feel like “she was Roses ghost, being fed and spoken to in the same way at the same time by her Mother.” Ultimately, Eilis’ epiphany is that the best tribute to Rose is to not steal her identity, but rather to form her own. It is in this way that Rose plays the rather influential role of the older sister within Eilis’ life, allowing her to develop her understanding of both the world and herself through the formation of her own unique identity.
The personal connection forged between a Father and Daughter is essentially a mental landscape with the ability to shift ones understanding of both themselves and the wider world. The original motivation behind Calles ‘Suite Venetienne’ is the role of her Father, an art collector. According to Calle, the motive was that “I wanted to seduce my Father,” however the word seduce is used as a double entendre and is implied in a way which does not suggest sexuality, but rather a personal connection between both Father and Daughter in which Calle aimed to forge through the creation of fine art. This connection may be perceived as a mental rather than physical landscape, however it is this landscape which is depicted by Calle to have inspired her to continue in the creation of her work ‘Suite Venetienne.’ This new mental landscape is depicted to have caused a shift in her understanding, particularly of herself as she further shapes her identity as an artist and develops a fascination with allowing her life to be dictated by the whims of others, including those of her Father. It is through the shaping of her identity as an artist, as employed by both the influence and role of her father within her life and her experiences within a new mental landscape that Calle is able to develop her understanding of both herself and her world.
Hence, Colm Toibin and Sophie Calle strikingly depict the way’s in which a new landscape has the ability to shift ones understanding of both themselves and the wider world through the utilisation of a number of effective and specific literary devices and intentions to successfully portray the ways in which a specific landscape can impact an individual’s personality.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 13, 2017, 04:13:44 pm
ps I'm not really sure how many points I'm up to with the essay marking system so please just let me know how many more I need if I do. Thank youuu
Hey Chloe! You'll need 85 posts to qualify for feedback (our quota has increased to 25 per post) :)
Post by: chloeannbarwick on September 14, 2017, 08:10:19 am
Hey Chloe! You'll need 85 posts to qualify for feedback (our quota has increased to 25 per post) :)
Awesome, thank you very much! Better get posting then ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 14, 2017, 10:12:13 am
Thank you so much for this feedback! Do you think its far off from an A-range response? I don't usually do first person, but in our Mod A trial essay it asked for 'your response to...." and my teacher who marked that module said that the strongest answers engaged with it personally through "i..."
Thanks:)
A lot of teachers say that, my teachers were always against it - It probably isn't going to affect anything in any sort of significant way ;D
I'd say you're getting into the B-range right now, the analysis needs to improve a fair bit to crack the A-range, in my opinion ;D
Post by: Shlomo314 on September 14, 2017, 09:55:23 pm
Much appreciated
Explore how the central values are shaped in Donne’s poetry and then creatively reshaped in W;t
Post by: Natasha.97 on September 14, 2017, 10:34:21 pm
Hey, thanks for having a look. Here is my Module A Donne and Wit essay and the question as well. Also, is it flexible to shape it into any essay question?
Much appreciated
Explore how the central values are shaped in Donne’s poetry and then creatively reshaped in W;t
Hi Shlomo314!
You need 19 more posts to qualify for essay marking as written in the rationale here :)
Post by: Wales on September 16, 2017, 11:50:47 am
Hey!Spoiler
I think this is a case of a great essay written for the wrong question - The idea of representation equals manipulation hasn't quite been explored properly. The question was asking you to explore how a composer uses their representation of politics to manipulate the audiences political views. You approached it as manipulation in the political themes of the text itself, which isn't necessarily what the question had in mind. This limits the effectiveness of otherwise excellent analysis of concepts ;D
Really my comments throughout cover the rest. A few places where expression needs to be tidied, a few places that need a technique or a more explicit reference to the audience, just to relate to this idea of representation more deliberately. Remember, it's all about what the composer does and why they do it, you can afford to be more "text focused" in Module C essays (not plot/character focused, know the difference!). However, you are definitely writing an effective essay! As I said, it is the misinterpretation of the question where most of the issues come from :)
I'd put this roughly where your Trials put it, perhaps a tad higher if I were marking it. If it had been a different question I reckon the mark would have been higher :)
I've taken your feedback, re-written it, handed it to my teacher and got 14/20. I've now taken on her feedback and adapted the essay to a new question. Would anyone mind taking a look at my Mod C BNW Essay and providing further feedback and perhaps a mark out of 20?
Appreciate the help!
Spoiler
People in power are often motivated by their personal interests and ideas, rather than the needs of others.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed Text and One related text.
Dystopian texts are an effective hyperbolic representation of the corrupted state of modern politics. Composers of such texts represent the absence of human ethics within a dystopic society to expose the disturbing actions which politicians engage with to satisfy their personal interests. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly demonstrates the notions of dehumanisation and propaganda as a product of an oppressive, indifferent bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the political exploitation of new technological advancements to manipulate society and its people. Both texts explore how the political realm is corrupted as a result of the government being motivated by their personal interests instead of the needs of the populace.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the individuality of the citizens through propaganda thus creating a strict conformist state, ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their desire for power and feigning concern for the needs of the populace. Huxley’s novel BNW is an accurate reflection of the destructive nature of technological innovations of the 20th century, epitomised particularly through the satirical divinity of Henry Ford. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on a society with the parody of the Christian terminologies “Sign of the Cross” with “Sign of the T” and “Oh Lord” with “Oh Ford” which both effectively ridicule spiritual elements of humanity thereby creating a secular society. The secularisation of society is evident in Huxley’s use of “providence” in the personification “providence takes its cues from men” which reinforces his intention to represent society’s movement from traditional faith to humanism. Huxley emphasises the self interested nature of humanism in modern politics through the subversion of a divine social construct, hindering one’s ability to develop autonomy as they are unable to seek alternative sources of belief but instead allows for the easier manipulation of the populace in accordance with their political agenda. The intellectual conformity characterised by the high modality “never want what they can’t get” further represents the interpellated sense of contentment and as a result a heteronomous populace. The sole motivation for achieving conformity is to allow the World Leaders to fulfill their personal interests and ideas without being questioned. Furthermore, Huxley’s emotive metonymy “A dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status which aligns with the conformist ideals of the state, a product of the conditioning process. Huxley's hyperbolization of the interpellated minds of citizens in a technocratic paradigm reveals the indifferent and self interested nature of the modern political agenda.
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it to effectively demonstrate the corrupting nature of personal interests and ideas in modern politics. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of citizens. It contradicts the human right to be secure and clearly represents the influence of personal interests as well as the indifferent nature of politics. The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression allows the audience to understand the severity of a breach of security and consequently understand the government's manipulation of technology to fit their political agenda of control instead of providing security for the citizens. Stone represents the effect of a perceived sense of security to a modern audience through the intertextual reference “which people? The whole kingdom snow white” which juxtaposes the innocence of Snow White to Edward’s thus reiterating the innocent and sheltered nature of citizens in modern politics. Stone appeals to the audience of the 21st century through intertextuality and evocative film techniques which meticulously exposes security as the government’s avenue of manipulation.
Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness for personal interest rather than the concerns of the populace. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to attaining conformity, traditionally done through force and fear and instead manipulates human emotion to attain conformity. Huxley’s repetitive satire of “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” further emphasises the government's ability to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truths known as soma. The rhyme represents how the World State prohibits the populace from experiencing genuine emotions and instead to understand the reality the way the World State prefers, reinforcing the overwhelming self interested nature of modern politics. Huxley represents this further through the rhyme “a gramme is better than a damn” reinforcing the state’s ability to manipulate the positive emotions of the populace favourably as they are the distributors of the soma which is a symbol of superficial happiness. Huxley reiterates the importance of perceived happiness with the metaphor “Christianity without tears - that’s what soma is” which contrasts soma to religion, a social construction that keeps the world in order. By replacing religion with soma and possessing the ability to control its distribution, Huxley represents the manipulation of happiness as a product of being motivated by personal interests and ideas instead.
Governments meticulously exploit citizens as a result of their personal interests in obtaining axiomatic control. Stone illustrates the government's strong desire for control through the dark lighting whilst panning through the director's office where darkness symbolises the deceptive nature of the modern politics and further implying the corruption that exists. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation of force and fear such as the thought police against the dystopic notion consisting of a loss of freedom and emotion amongst the populace. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the extent to which personal interests and ideas of politicians influence their decision making.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where an overwhelming majority of political action is founded upon personal interests as opposed to the needs of the populace.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed Text and One related text.
Dystopian texts are an effective hyperbolic representation of the corrupted state of modern politics. Composers of such texts represent the absence of human ethics within a dystopic society to expose the disturbing actions which politicians engage with to satisfy their personal interests. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly demonstrates the notions of dehumanisation and propaganda as a product of an oppressive, indifferent bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the political exploitation of new technological advancements to manipulate society and its people. Both texts explore how the political realm is corrupted as a result of the government being motivated by their personal interests instead of the needs of the populace.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the individuality of the citizens through propaganda thus creating a strict conformist state, ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their desire for power and feigning concern for the needs of the populace. Huxley’s novel BNW is an accurate reflection of the destructive nature of technological innovations of the 20th century, epitomised particularly through the satirical divinity of Henry Ford. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on a society with the parody of the Christian terminologies “Sign of the Cross” with “Sign of the T” and “Oh Lord” with “Oh Ford” which both effectively ridicule spiritual elements of humanity thereby creating a secular society. The secularisation of society is evident in Huxley’s use of “providence” in the personification “providence takes its cues from men” which reinforces his intention to represent society’s movement from traditional faith to humanism. Huxley emphasises the self interested nature of humanism in modern politics through the subversion of a divine social construct, hindering one’s ability to develop autonomy as they are unable to seek alternative sources of belief but instead allows for the easier manipulation of the populace in accordance with their political agenda. The intellectual conformity characterised by the high modality “never want what they can’t get” further represents the interpellated sense of contentment and as a result a heteronomous populace. The sole motivation for achieving conformity is to allow the World Leaders to fulfill their personal interests and ideas without being questioned. Furthermore, Huxley’s emotive metonymy “A dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status which aligns with the conformist ideals of the state, a product of the conditioning process. Huxley's hyperbolization of the interpellated minds of citizens in a technocratic paradigm reveals the indifferent and self interested nature of the modern political agenda.
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it to effectively demonstrate the corrupting nature of personal interests and ideas in modern politics. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of citizens. It contradicts the human right to be secure and clearly represents the influence of personal interests as well as the indifferent nature of politics. The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression allows the audience to understand the severity of a breach of security and consequently understand the government's manipulation of technology to fit their political agenda of control instead of providing security for the citizens. Stone represents the effect of a perceived sense of security to a modern audience through the intertextual reference “which people? The whole kingdom snow white” which juxtaposes the innocence of Snow White to Edward’s thus reiterating the innocent and sheltered nature of citizens in modern politics. Stone appeals to the audience of the 21st century through intertextuality and evocative film techniques which meticulously exposes security as the government’s avenue of manipulation.
Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness for personal interest rather than the concerns of the populace. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to attaining conformity, traditionally done through force and fear and instead manipulates human emotion to attain conformity. Huxley’s repetitive satire of “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” further emphasises the government's ability to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truths known as soma. The rhyme represents how the World State prohibits the populace from experiencing genuine emotions and instead to understand the reality the way the World State prefers, reinforcing the overwhelming self interested nature of modern politics. Huxley represents this further through the rhyme “a gramme is better than a damn” reinforcing the state’s ability to manipulate the positive emotions of the populace favourably as they are the distributors of the soma which is a symbol of superficial happiness. Huxley reiterates the importance of perceived happiness with the metaphor “Christianity without tears - that’s what soma is” which contrasts soma to religion, a social construction that keeps the world in order. By replacing religion with soma and possessing the ability to control its distribution, Huxley represents the manipulation of happiness as a product of being motivated by personal interests and ideas instead.
Governments meticulously exploit citizens as a result of their personal interests in obtaining axiomatic control. Stone illustrates the government's strong desire for control through the dark lighting whilst panning through the director's office where darkness symbolises the deceptive nature of the modern politics and further implying the corruption that exists. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation of force and fear such as the thought police against the dystopic notion consisting of a loss of freedom and emotion amongst the populace. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the extent to which personal interests and ideas of politicians influence their decision making.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where an overwhelming majority of political action is founded upon personal interests as opposed to the needs of the populace.
Regards, Wales ;D
Edit: Hope you don't mind me bombarding ya'll with essays. Schools kept me busy from contributing as much lately ):
Post by: anotherworld2b on September 16, 2017, 07:01:26 pm
Suggestions for persuasive devices I could use to improve my piece in any way would be greater appreciated.
I hear that humour is an effective device but I found it difficult to do this with the topic being euthanasia
The task: focus on a particular social issue which has significant impacts on our everyday lives such as the alcohol/drug scourge among young people in Western societies; the invasive nature of technology in our lives; the violation of free speech in the world of politics. Persuade your target audience to share your point of view as well as raise awareness of the problems and difficulties confronting your chosen marginalised group/ the significant impacts a particular chosen issue has on society.
Spoiler
It can be said that ‘life is like a box of chocolates. You'll never know what you're going to get’. But one thing that is for certain is that death is inevitable.
Society has always promoted various rights such as liberty, freedom and life for as long as I remember within my short, inexperienced and juvenile 18 years of life. But the idea of having access to such a wide variety of rights has prompted to me wonder shouldn’t people also have the right to die as well?
Euthanasia is a form of assisted suicide, which gives the patient the authority to choose to end their lives but has become a sensitive and controversial subject that society has swept under the rug for many decades and labelled as a taboo subject. While I understand that death itself is a sensitive topic to discuss, I think that euthanasia should be legalised in Australia to alleviate the suffering of terminally ill patients.
I find it difficult to fathom reasons why terminally ill patients suffering from excruciating pain on a regular basis and their family can not choose euthanasia without being bombarded with critical and negative views and opinions from bystanders without knowledge of the situation at hand. It seems bizarre that some people would be so offended by an unrelated person’s decision when ‘death is a private matter’ according to religious studies online websites.
It makes me wonder why is acceptable to euthanise your pet in order to put an end to their needless suffering as a means of mercy and compassion, but taboo to give the same act of kindness to a human being?
It is heartbreaking to imagine the numerous cases where the terminally ill are forced against their will to continue living. To be subjected to such cruel and inhumane treatment awaiting their inevitable death. Could this be called life? To me prolonged life is simply a prolonged death if you lose the will to live.
Dying with dignity is one of the main arguments for assisted dying, which extends to dealing with psychological and emotional stress in addition to just physical pain associated with a person's suffering. To me psychological and emotional stress can significantly influence someone losing purpose in their life. The fact that a majority of people who do undergo euthanasia commonly share "A sense of being a burden to other people.’ This sense of burden is huge as they don't want to consume the lives of people they love and that tends to happen because they need a great deal of care to cope with their illness. The weight of being a burden is wears down their fragile psychological and emotional wellbeing.
Those who are against euthanasia may believe the ill are rejecting the life that was given to them, but it’s not that their ungrateful for the life that they had but the suffering is no longer tolerable. To live everyday with suffering and pain hand in hand until the bitter end appears so lonely and grim.
The idea to legalise euthanasia in Australia is not unsupported. On the contrary according to the Vote Compass a staggering 75% agree that terminally ill patients should be able to legally end their own lives with medical assistance. Furthermore, the fact that Northern Territory of Australia became the first legislature in the world to pass a law for voluntary euthanasia which came into effect on July 1st 1996 shows that legalising euthanasia is not necessarily impossible. Four Australians, all dying from cancer, legally received the help of a doctor to a peaceful death, before the Federal Parliament overturned the Act in March 1997.
A new poll shows a majority of Australians support making voluntary euthanasia legal for someone experiencing unrelievable and incurable suffering. A targeted online survey of more than 1,400 people conducted by the Australia Institute revealed more than 70 per cent believe euthanasia should be permissible.
Belgium was the second country in the world to pass a law in 2002 legalising euthanasia. The law says doctors can help patients to end their lives when they freely express a wish to die because they are suffering intractable and unbearable pain. Patients can also receive euthanasia if they have clearly stated it before entering a coma or similar vegetative state. High-profile euthanasia cases have included a 44-year-old transsexual woman whose botched sex-change operation left her with physical deformities that she felt made her look like a "monster"; and 45-year-old identical twins who were deaf and going blind and believed they had nothing left to live for.
In short, making euthanasia legal in Australia is supported by a majority of people. And I personally believe that by following examples set by countries that have already legalised euthanasia will provide terminally ill patients and their families comfort and resolution. If it was me there is no doubt I would choose to die a painless death of my own choosing rather than wait for illness to snuff out my life. Maybe I’m just stubborn, ignorant or both about the controversial topic of euthanasia. But one thing that is for sure is that death is inevitable and I would undoubtedly want to have the right to die.
Society has always promoted various rights such as liberty, freedom and life for as long as I remember within my short, inexperienced and juvenile 18 years of life. But the idea of having access to such a wide variety of rights has prompted to me wonder shouldn’t people also have the right to die as well?
Euthanasia is a form of assisted suicide, which gives the patient the authority to choose to end their lives but has become a sensitive and controversial subject that society has swept under the rug for many decades and labelled as a taboo subject. While I understand that death itself is a sensitive topic to discuss, I think that euthanasia should be legalised in Australia to alleviate the suffering of terminally ill patients.
I find it difficult to fathom reasons why terminally ill patients suffering from excruciating pain on a regular basis and their family can not choose euthanasia without being bombarded with critical and negative views and opinions from bystanders without knowledge of the situation at hand. It seems bizarre that some people would be so offended by an unrelated person’s decision when ‘death is a private matter’ according to religious studies online websites.
It makes me wonder why is acceptable to euthanise your pet in order to put an end to their needless suffering as a means of mercy and compassion, but taboo to give the same act of kindness to a human being?
It is heartbreaking to imagine the numerous cases where the terminally ill are forced against their will to continue living. To be subjected to such cruel and inhumane treatment awaiting their inevitable death. Could this be called life? To me prolonged life is simply a prolonged death if you lose the will to live.
Dying with dignity is one of the main arguments for assisted dying, which extends to dealing with psychological and emotional stress in addition to just physical pain associated with a person's suffering. To me psychological and emotional stress can significantly influence someone losing purpose in their life. The fact that a majority of people who do undergo euthanasia commonly share "A sense of being a burden to other people.’ This sense of burden is huge as they don't want to consume the lives of people they love and that tends to happen because they need a great deal of care to cope with their illness. The weight of being a burden is wears down their fragile psychological and emotional wellbeing.
Those who are against euthanasia may believe the ill are rejecting the life that was given to them, but it’s not that their ungrateful for the life that they had but the suffering is no longer tolerable. To live everyday with suffering and pain hand in hand until the bitter end appears so lonely and grim.
The idea to legalise euthanasia in Australia is not unsupported. On the contrary according to the Vote Compass a staggering 75% agree that terminally ill patients should be able to legally end their own lives with medical assistance. Furthermore, the fact that Northern Territory of Australia became the first legislature in the world to pass a law for voluntary euthanasia which came into effect on July 1st 1996 shows that legalising euthanasia is not necessarily impossible. Four Australians, all dying from cancer, legally received the help of a doctor to a peaceful death, before the Federal Parliament overturned the Act in March 1997.
A new poll shows a majority of Australians support making voluntary euthanasia legal for someone experiencing unrelievable and incurable suffering. A targeted online survey of more than 1,400 people conducted by the Australia Institute revealed more than 70 per cent believe euthanasia should be permissible.
Belgium was the second country in the world to pass a law in 2002 legalising euthanasia. The law says doctors can help patients to end their lives when they freely express a wish to die because they are suffering intractable and unbearable pain. Patients can also receive euthanasia if they have clearly stated it before entering a coma or similar vegetative state. High-profile euthanasia cases have included a 44-year-old transsexual woman whose botched sex-change operation left her with physical deformities that she felt made her look like a "monster"; and 45-year-old identical twins who were deaf and going blind and believed they had nothing left to live for.
In short, making euthanasia legal in Australia is supported by a majority of people. And I personally believe that by following examples set by countries that have already legalised euthanasia will provide terminally ill patients and their families comfort and resolution. If it was me there is no doubt I would choose to die a painless death of my own choosing rather than wait for illness to snuff out my life. Maybe I’m just stubborn, ignorant or both about the controversial topic of euthanasia. But one thing that is for sure is that death is inevitable and I would undoubtedly want to have the right to die.
marking key:
Spoiler
Content: Presents appropriate detailed content relevant to the chosen topic supported by evidence and research
Genre: manipulates generic conventions to suit chosen topic in relation to purpose, context and audience.
Expression - the response is written: in a coherent, sustained and sophisticated style
Genre: manipulates generic conventions to suit chosen topic in relation to purpose, context and audience.
Expression - the response is written: in a coherent, sustained and sophisticated style
Post by: Opengangs on September 17, 2017, 11:03:28 am
I've written three different introductions to a question for Module A; is anyone able to mark the sophistication of each introduction?
Question: In what ways does a comparative study accentuate the distinctive contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty Four?
Introduction 1 (131)
Pursuing a need for destruction and power, an individual ultimately falls victim to their loss of identity. Moreover, their value of self worth may be challenged in the process. This interplay is portrayed as a comparative study of the distinctive contexts of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948). While both texts offer similar perspectives, it is ultimately the distinctive contexts of the two texts that presents these ideas in their own different ways; while Metropolis was written as an artistic commentary to the Weimar Republic of Germany, 1984 was written in response to the power of the autocratic government during the Spanish Civil War. Thus, by comparing these texts along with their context, an appreciation of their influence elucidates new ideas.
Introduction 2 (112)
Texts are formulated by their surrounding values and context, and changes in these contexts ultimately leads to change in values reflected by the composer. However, it is the core human concerns that remain static throughout different contexts. Fritz Lang’s portrayal of an authoritarian capitalist government of Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopic world of complete surveillance in his satirical novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948) become dynamic and foreboding elements to modern day societies, despite its contextual differences. As such, the values and ideas embodied by distinctive contexts are elucidated by a comparative study of the two texts, shedding light to the stark similarities and differences of a society lost in identity.
Introduction 3 (120)
Values and attitudes within texts are presented through the composer’s historical, social and political context, illuminating universal concerns of the human spirit through their distinctive medium. In particular, the contextual reflections of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) is stemmed from the upheaval of Weimar Republic, inspiring German Expressionist film artists such as Lang himself. His central ideas of the breakdown of a society is also explored in George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948), written in response to the authoritarian government of the Spanish Civil War. By comparing these texts, common thematic concerns of power and loss of identity are revealed to the modern audience, amplifying the similarities and differences in these distinctive contexts on the texts.
Thanks!
Post by: caitlinlddouglas on September 17, 2017, 01:42:11 pm
(It wouldn't let me attach the last part of the essay so i'm attaching it another post,)
Post by: caitlinlddouglas on September 17, 2017, 01:43:32 pm
Post by: katie,rinos on September 17, 2017, 06:50:44 pm
I rewrote my trial essay for Hamlet and would love some feedback on it.
Thanks so much :D
Spoiler
Module B
Hamlet's relationship with other people is significant in his tragic downfall.
Discuss this view of the play, by analysing the impact of Hamlet’s relationship with TWO or THREE characters in the play.
Hamlet is placed in an unbelievable situation where, in the process of avenging his father's murder, all of his relationships are put into question. The play Hamlet by William Shakespeare is a revenge tragedy, thus no matter what Hamlet does it ultimately lead to his downfall. This is highlighted through Hamlet’s antic disposition and distrust of anyone around him. The play is about a prince’s actions and responsibilities after the murder of his father. His relationships with others are dramatically impacted by the Elizabethan codes that require him to enact his revenge. His relationships with Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras are all significant in his life, and many others downfalls.
Claudius’ corrupt nature, seen through the murder of Hamlet’s father, leads to them having a very strained relationship. Claudius initially instructs Hamlet to stop mourning and to ‘cast thy nighted colour off’, portraying a lack of empathy to Hamlet’s situation. Once Hamlet learns, through the ghost, of his father’s murder he wishes to test this theory to be certain before he takes action because of the potential consequences in taking revenge. Hamlet concludes his, O What a Rogue and Peasant Slave soliloquy, by stating that ‘the play's the thing wherein i’ll catch the conscience of the king’. The use of metatheatre in the symbolically titled play, ‘The Mousetrap’, presents the murder of the king in similar circumstances in an effort to trap Claudius. However, Claudius soon realises that Hamlet has discovered of the murder, and he then plans to murder Hamlet as he is scared for his own safety. He sends Hamlet on a ship to England where he would be executed, with his two school friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern who he trusts as ‘much as adders fanged’. This metaphor further reinforces, Hamlet’s distrust of his school friends as he discovers they have a letter for his execution and have betrayed him the whole time. Hence, due to Claudius’ corrupt nature and Hamlet’s distrust of those around him, their relationship is very tense leading to his eventual demise.
Another relationship impacted by Hamlet’s commitment to honour his father’s death is that between him and his mother Gertrude. Hamlet criticizes his mother’s quick marriage to Claudius believing it unbalances the natural Elizabethan order. The phrase ‘O, most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets!’ further expresses Hamlet’s anger towards his mother and Claudius. The constant references to time, such as ‘two months’ dead: nay not so much’ and ‘within a month’ show Hamlet’s disapproval of the speed in which the marriage occurred after his father’s death. Hamlet’s relationship with his mother is strained and he is rude at times as he believes she may have played a part in his father’s death. Gertrude also exclaims, “Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul, and there I see such black and grainèd spots”, which through the use of corrupt imagery conveys their tense relationship. Hamlet’s relationship with Gertrude ends with his demise because he doesn’t trust her actions or confide in her about anything leading to a tense, strained relationship.
Fortinbras is a foil to Hamlet throughout the play contrasting their differing approaches to revenge. Fortinbras has also lost a father, however is hastier in his revenge compared to Hamlet. Hamlet’s soliloquy in act 4, shows him reflecting on Fortinbras actions. He begins by saying ‘How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge!’ This quote further conveys how Hamlet believes that the world around him is accusing him of apathy and reminding him of his incapability in completing his revenge. He then realises that Fortinbras army had ‘to my shame, ..imminent death of twenty thousand men.’ This shows Hamlet’s dismay at the doom of these soldiers and how he wouldn’t want anyone to die for no good reason. Hamlet then concludes that ‘O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!’ This demonstrates a change in Hamlet’s mindset as he vows to think of nothing but the murder of his uncle. Throughout this soliloquy, Hamlet moves through various stages of thought, philosophical reflection and inward reflection of the people around him. This relationship with Fortinbras causes Hamlet to stop delaying his revenge and act on it, leading to his and many other deaths.
Initially Hamlet and Ophelia have a close romantic relationship, which is conveyed through ‘He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders of his affection to me.’ Hamlet had adopted his antic disposition with Ophelia, while she has stopped talking to him due to Polonius which dramatically affects their relationship. He acts mad in Ophelia’s room when he looks ‘as if he’d been loosed out of hell to speak of horrors.’ The metaphor in ‘pale as his shirt: his knees knocking each other’, shows how Hamlet is portraying himself in a way different to what is expected of a prince. Hamlet’s madness is also portrayed through his ‘get thee to a nunnery speech’, where he also believes he is under surveillance by Claudius and Polonius. He commands Ophelia to ‘be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow’, assuming that all women are unfaithful and will cheat on their husbands. Hamlet and Ophelia have withdrawn from each other and don’t understand each other's position due to these events and Hamlet’s antic disposition. This relationship ultimately ends in Ophelia’s suicide after Hamlet murders Polonius. Therefore, this relationship is significant to both of their eventual downfalls as Hamlet not only feels rejected by his mother and friends by also by the women he loves.
Therefore, throughout the play, Hamlet constantly questions his relationships with other people, which consequently impacts his tragic downfall. This is highlighted through his antic disposition and distrust of those around him. Characters such as Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras and Ophelia have strained, tense relationships with Hamlet. These relationships lead to the death of Hamlet and many other characters at the end of the play.
Hamlet's relationship with other people is significant in his tragic downfall.
Discuss this view of the play, by analysing the impact of Hamlet’s relationship with TWO or THREE characters in the play.
Hamlet is placed in an unbelievable situation where, in the process of avenging his father's murder, all of his relationships are put into question. The play Hamlet by William Shakespeare is a revenge tragedy, thus no matter what Hamlet does it ultimately lead to his downfall. This is highlighted through Hamlet’s antic disposition and distrust of anyone around him. The play is about a prince’s actions and responsibilities after the murder of his father. His relationships with others are dramatically impacted by the Elizabethan codes that require him to enact his revenge. His relationships with Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras are all significant in his life, and many others downfalls.
Claudius’ corrupt nature, seen through the murder of Hamlet’s father, leads to them having a very strained relationship. Claudius initially instructs Hamlet to stop mourning and to ‘cast thy nighted colour off’, portraying a lack of empathy to Hamlet’s situation. Once Hamlet learns, through the ghost, of his father’s murder he wishes to test this theory to be certain before he takes action because of the potential consequences in taking revenge. Hamlet concludes his, O What a Rogue and Peasant Slave soliloquy, by stating that ‘the play's the thing wherein i’ll catch the conscience of the king’. The use of metatheatre in the symbolically titled play, ‘The Mousetrap’, presents the murder of the king in similar circumstances in an effort to trap Claudius. However, Claudius soon realises that Hamlet has discovered of the murder, and he then plans to murder Hamlet as he is scared for his own safety. He sends Hamlet on a ship to England where he would be executed, with his two school friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern who he trusts as ‘much as adders fanged’. This metaphor further reinforces, Hamlet’s distrust of his school friends as he discovers they have a letter for his execution and have betrayed him the whole time. Hence, due to Claudius’ corrupt nature and Hamlet’s distrust of those around him, their relationship is very tense leading to his eventual demise.
Another relationship impacted by Hamlet’s commitment to honour his father’s death is that between him and his mother Gertrude. Hamlet criticizes his mother’s quick marriage to Claudius believing it unbalances the natural Elizabethan order. The phrase ‘O, most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets!’ further expresses Hamlet’s anger towards his mother and Claudius. The constant references to time, such as ‘two months’ dead: nay not so much’ and ‘within a month’ show Hamlet’s disapproval of the speed in which the marriage occurred after his father’s death. Hamlet’s relationship with his mother is strained and he is rude at times as he believes she may have played a part in his father’s death. Gertrude also exclaims, “Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul, and there I see such black and grainèd spots”, which through the use of corrupt imagery conveys their tense relationship. Hamlet’s relationship with Gertrude ends with his demise because he doesn’t trust her actions or confide in her about anything leading to a tense, strained relationship.
Fortinbras is a foil to Hamlet throughout the play contrasting their differing approaches to revenge. Fortinbras has also lost a father, however is hastier in his revenge compared to Hamlet. Hamlet’s soliloquy in act 4, shows him reflecting on Fortinbras actions. He begins by saying ‘How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge!’ This quote further conveys how Hamlet believes that the world around him is accusing him of apathy and reminding him of his incapability in completing his revenge. He then realises that Fortinbras army had ‘to my shame, ..imminent death of twenty thousand men.’ This shows Hamlet’s dismay at the doom of these soldiers and how he wouldn’t want anyone to die for no good reason. Hamlet then concludes that ‘O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!’ This demonstrates a change in Hamlet’s mindset as he vows to think of nothing but the murder of his uncle. Throughout this soliloquy, Hamlet moves through various stages of thought, philosophical reflection and inward reflection of the people around him. This relationship with Fortinbras causes Hamlet to stop delaying his revenge and act on it, leading to his and many other deaths.
Initially Hamlet and Ophelia have a close romantic relationship, which is conveyed through ‘He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders of his affection to me.’ Hamlet had adopted his antic disposition with Ophelia, while she has stopped talking to him due to Polonius which dramatically affects their relationship. He acts mad in Ophelia’s room when he looks ‘as if he’d been loosed out of hell to speak of horrors.’ The metaphor in ‘pale as his shirt: his knees knocking each other’, shows how Hamlet is portraying himself in a way different to what is expected of a prince. Hamlet’s madness is also portrayed through his ‘get thee to a nunnery speech’, where he also believes he is under surveillance by Claudius and Polonius. He commands Ophelia to ‘be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow’, assuming that all women are unfaithful and will cheat on their husbands. Hamlet and Ophelia have withdrawn from each other and don’t understand each other's position due to these events and Hamlet’s antic disposition. This relationship ultimately ends in Ophelia’s suicide after Hamlet murders Polonius. Therefore, this relationship is significant to both of their eventual downfalls as Hamlet not only feels rejected by his mother and friends by also by the women he loves.
Therefore, throughout the play, Hamlet constantly questions his relationships with other people, which consequently impacts his tragic downfall. This is highlighted through his antic disposition and distrust of those around him. Characters such as Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras and Ophelia have strained, tense relationships with Hamlet. These relationships lead to the death of Hamlet and many other characters at the end of the play.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 18, 2017, 05:55:13 pm
Hey!
I've taken your feedback, re-written it, handed it to my teacher and got 14/20. I've now taken on her feedback and adapted the essay to a new question. Would anyone mind taking a look at my Mod C BNW Essay and providing further feedback and perhaps a mark out of 20?
Appreciate the help!
Let's try and give it some fresh feedback ;D
Spoiler
People in power are often motivated by their personal interests and ideas, rather than the needs of others.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed Text and One related text.
Dystopian texts are an effective hyperbolic representation of the corrupted state of modern politics. Composers of such texts represent the absence of human ethics within a dystopic society to expose the disturbing actions which politicians engage with to satisfy their personal interests. Excellent Thesis, works well to put your own spin on the question. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly demonstrates the notions of dehumanisation and propaganda as a product of an oppressive, indifferent bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the political exploitation of new technological advancements to manipulate society and its people. Both texts explore how the political realm is corrupted as a result of the government being motivated by their personal interests instead of the needs of the populace. Not much at all I'd change here, this introduction works really, really well.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the individuality of the citizens through propaganda thus creating a strict conformist state, ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their desire for power and feigning concern for the needs of the populace. Good intro, link to the question is subtle but definitely effective. Huxley’s novel BNW is an accurate reflection of the destructive nature of technological innovations of the 20th century, epitomised particularly through the satirical divinity of Henry Ford. Make sure you don't abbreviate without introducing the abbreviation first - Put it after the first time you use the full title. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on a society with the parody of the Christian terminologies “Sign of the Cross” with “Sign of the T” and “Oh Lord” with “Oh Ford” which both effectively ridicule spiritual elements of humanity thereby creating a secular society. Excellent points made, but try breaking that sentence up a bit with commas. Further, what is the effect of this representation on a religious audience? The secularisation of society is evident in Huxley’s use of “providence” in the personification “providence takes its cues from men” which reinforces his intention to represent society’s movement from traditional faith to humanism. Good. Huxley emphasises the self interested nature of humanism in modern politics through the subversion of a divine social construct, hindering one’s ability to develop autonomy as they are unable to seek alternative sources of belief but instead allows for the easier manipulation of the populace in accordance with their political agenda. How is this done? Any sentence without a technique/quote is not good use of space once you've gotten rolling, especially in Module C. The intellectual conformity characterised by the high modality “never want what they can’t get” further represents the interpellated sense of contentment and as a result a heteronomous populace. The sole motivation for achieving conformity is to allow the World Leaders to fulfill their personal interests and ideas without being questioned. What shows you this? Furthermore, Huxley’s emotive metonymy “A dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status which aligns with the conformist ideals of the state, a product of the conditioning process. Huxley's hyperbolization of the interpellated minds of citizens in a technocratic paradigm reveals the indifferent and self interested nature of the modern political agenda. Solid paragraph, a few spots where you slipped a bit into textual retell, or didn't quite explain how you'd reached your conclusions.
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it to effectively demonstrate the corrupting nature of personal interests and ideas in modern politics. Another excellent topic sentence - Your conceptual approach is rock solid. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of citizens. It contradicts the human right to be secure and clearly represents the influence of personal interests as well as the indifferent nature of politics. Good analysis there - You can try to go further by linking the technique to the effect. What does the close up do specifically to push this idea, more specifically than "represents?" The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression allows the audience to understand the severity of a breach of security and consequently understand the government's manipulation of technology to fit their political agenda of control instead of providing security for the citizens. A few commas there for clarity. Stone represents the effect of a perceived sense of security to a modern audience through the intertextual reference “which people? The whole kingdom snow white” which juxtaposes the innocence of Snow White to Edward’s thus reiterating the innocent and sheltered nature of citizens in modern politics. Is juxtaposes the right word there? Are you saying they are both innocent? Stone appeals to the audience of the 21st century through intertextuality and evocative film techniques which meticulously exposes security as the government’s avenue of manipulation. Good paragraph, frequent links to what is being portrayed by the composer.
Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness for personal interest rather than the concerns of the populace. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to attaining conformity, traditionally done through force and fear and instead manipulates human emotion to attain conformity. Huxley’s repetitive satire of “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” further emphasises the government's ability to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truths known as soma. This is a slightly confusing textual reference, the quote doesn't necessarily have anything to do with soma! The rhyme represents how the World State prohibits the populace from experiencing genuine emotions and instead to understand the reality the way the World State prefers, reinforcing the overwhelming self interested nature of modern politics. How does the rhyme "represent" this? This is the final step to make in Module C, actually drawing links between the specific technique and its affect on the audience. I'd say the rhyme "draws attention to" or "accentuates" the satire, and it's the satire that garners the audiences affection for the ideas. See how they do slightly different things? Huxley represents this further through the rhyme “a gramme is better than a damn” reinforcing the state’s ability to manipulate the positive emotions of the populace favourably as they are the distributors of the soma which is a symbol of superficial happiness. Be sure to link to the idea more broadly. Huxley reiterates the importance of perceived happiness with the metaphor “Christianity without tears - that’s what soma is” which contrasts soma to religion, a social construction that keeps the world in order. Effect on audience? By replacing religion with soma and possessing the ability to control its distribution, Huxley represents the manipulation of happiness as a product of being motivated by personal interests and ideas instead. A slightly plot focused paragraph, not quite as strong as your prior two!
Governments meticulously exploit citizens as a result of their personal interests in obtaining axiomatic control. Stone illustrates the government's strong desire for control through the dark lighting whilst panning through the director's office where darkness symbolises the deceptive nature of the modern politics and further implying the corruption that exists. Definitely need to break that sentence up. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. Ditto here - I'm having to do a lot of work to break these ideas up and arrange them coherently, you need to use punctuation to take that work away from me. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation of force and fear such as the thought police against the dystopic notion consisting of a loss of freedom and emotion amongst the populace. You might need to explore the impact/rationale behind this allusion just a tad more, this felt rushed. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the extent to which personal interests and ideas of politicians influence their decision making.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Don't bring in contexts here without mentioning it elsewhere, conclusions should have no new ideas. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where an overwhelming majority of political action is founded upon personal interests as opposed to the needs of the populace.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed Text and One related text.
Dystopian texts are an effective hyperbolic representation of the corrupted state of modern politics. Composers of such texts represent the absence of human ethics within a dystopic society to expose the disturbing actions which politicians engage with to satisfy their personal interests. Excellent Thesis, works well to put your own spin on the question. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly demonstrates the notions of dehumanisation and propaganda as a product of an oppressive, indifferent bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the political exploitation of new technological advancements to manipulate society and its people. Both texts explore how the political realm is corrupted as a result of the government being motivated by their personal interests instead of the needs of the populace. Not much at all I'd change here, this introduction works really, really well.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the individuality of the citizens through propaganda thus creating a strict conformist state, ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their desire for power and feigning concern for the needs of the populace. Good intro, link to the question is subtle but definitely effective. Huxley’s novel BNW is an accurate reflection of the destructive nature of technological innovations of the 20th century, epitomised particularly through the satirical divinity of Henry Ford. Make sure you don't abbreviate without introducing the abbreviation first - Put it after the first time you use the full title. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on a society with the parody of the Christian terminologies “Sign of the Cross” with “Sign of the T” and “Oh Lord” with “Oh Ford” which both effectively ridicule spiritual elements of humanity thereby creating a secular society. Excellent points made, but try breaking that sentence up a bit with commas. Further, what is the effect of this representation on a religious audience? The secularisation of society is evident in Huxley’s use of “providence” in the personification “providence takes its cues from men” which reinforces his intention to represent society’s movement from traditional faith to humanism. Good. Huxley emphasises the self interested nature of humanism in modern politics through the subversion of a divine social construct, hindering one’s ability to develop autonomy as they are unable to seek alternative sources of belief but instead allows for the easier manipulation of the populace in accordance with their political agenda. How is this done? Any sentence without a technique/quote is not good use of space once you've gotten rolling, especially in Module C. The intellectual conformity characterised by the high modality “never want what they can’t get” further represents the interpellated sense of contentment and as a result a heteronomous populace. The sole motivation for achieving conformity is to allow the World Leaders to fulfill their personal interests and ideas without being questioned. What shows you this? Furthermore, Huxley’s emotive metonymy “A dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status which aligns with the conformist ideals of the state, a product of the conditioning process. Huxley's hyperbolization of the interpellated minds of citizens in a technocratic paradigm reveals the indifferent and self interested nature of the modern political agenda. Solid paragraph, a few spots where you slipped a bit into textual retell, or didn't quite explain how you'd reached your conclusions.
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it to effectively demonstrate the corrupting nature of personal interests and ideas in modern politics. Another excellent topic sentence - Your conceptual approach is rock solid. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of citizens. It contradicts the human right to be secure and clearly represents the influence of personal interests as well as the indifferent nature of politics. Good analysis there - You can try to go further by linking the technique to the effect. What does the close up do specifically to push this idea, more specifically than "represents?" The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression allows the audience to understand the severity of a breach of security and consequently understand the government's manipulation of technology to fit their political agenda of control instead of providing security for the citizens. A few commas there for clarity. Stone represents the effect of a perceived sense of security to a modern audience through the intertextual reference “which people? The whole kingdom snow white” which juxtaposes the innocence of Snow White to Edward’s thus reiterating the innocent and sheltered nature of citizens in modern politics. Is juxtaposes the right word there? Are you saying they are both innocent? Stone appeals to the audience of the 21st century through intertextuality and evocative film techniques which meticulously exposes security as the government’s avenue of manipulation. Good paragraph, frequent links to what is being portrayed by the composer.
Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness for personal interest rather than the concerns of the populace. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to attaining conformity, traditionally done through force and fear and instead manipulates human emotion to attain conformity. Huxley’s repetitive satire of “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” further emphasises the government's ability to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truths known as soma. This is a slightly confusing textual reference, the quote doesn't necessarily have anything to do with soma! The rhyme represents how the World State prohibits the populace from experiencing genuine emotions and instead to understand the reality the way the World State prefers, reinforcing the overwhelming self interested nature of modern politics. How does the rhyme "represent" this? This is the final step to make in Module C, actually drawing links between the specific technique and its affect on the audience. I'd say the rhyme "draws attention to" or "accentuates" the satire, and it's the satire that garners the audiences affection for the ideas. See how they do slightly different things? Huxley represents this further through the rhyme “a gramme is better than a damn” reinforcing the state’s ability to manipulate the positive emotions of the populace favourably as they are the distributors of the soma which is a symbol of superficial happiness. Be sure to link to the idea more broadly. Huxley reiterates the importance of perceived happiness with the metaphor “Christianity without tears - that’s what soma is” which contrasts soma to religion, a social construction that keeps the world in order. Effect on audience? By replacing religion with soma and possessing the ability to control its distribution, Huxley represents the manipulation of happiness as a product of being motivated by personal interests and ideas instead. A slightly plot focused paragraph, not quite as strong as your prior two!
Governments meticulously exploit citizens as a result of their personal interests in obtaining axiomatic control. Stone illustrates the government's strong desire for control through the dark lighting whilst panning through the director's office where darkness symbolises the deceptive nature of the modern politics and further implying the corruption that exists. Definitely need to break that sentence up. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. Ditto here - I'm having to do a lot of work to break these ideas up and arrange them coherently, you need to use punctuation to take that work away from me. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation of force and fear such as the thought police against the dystopic notion consisting of a loss of freedom and emotion amongst the populace. You might need to explore the impact/rationale behind this allusion just a tad more, this felt rushed. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the extent to which personal interests and ideas of politicians influence their decision making.
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Don't bring in contexts here without mentioning it elsewhere, conclusions should have no new ideas. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where an overwhelming majority of political action is founded upon personal interests as opposed to the needs of the populace.
A strong essay Wales! Great conceptual approach, strong analysis in most sections, and structured logically. Really good stuff. I'd say your earlier paragraphs were definitely stronger in terms of analysis - Watch that you don't slip into retell of the text and constantly link back to the audience. Ensure your expression is clear (gotta use commas man!). And, as an additional challenge, start to make more cohesive links between the technique and the effect. What does imagery do that a rhyme doesn't? Why did the composer pick a specific tool for a specific job? This is a tough thing to do with meaning but it is that last barrier to be analysing at a 20/20 level :)
My comments throughout should cover most of my thoughts - Let me know if I can clarify! Good work ;D
Post by: Lachlan Morley on September 18, 2017, 08:14:37 pm
Would I be able to get the below essay marked and perphaps a guide to what range im sitting in ( A, B, C, D)
Thank you
Successful poetry is a persuasive blend of passionate ideas artfully expressed
Is this your view of Yeats poetry refer to at least two poems?
The enduring value of Yeats verse was its ability to conform to a vast array of subject matters. As result of this, Yeats can express key ideas that lie at the heart of the human condition through his evocative poetry. Yeats explore tensions of change and stability and peace and turmoil through developing an existential understanding of his greater world. Hence, he is able to effectively portray the elements which determine the human experience. He explores these universal concepts through his poems “The Second Coming” and “Wild Swans at Coole” where Yeats can blend these underlining tensions of the human experience together to artfully express the nature of his internal and external worlds. Thus, Yeats renowned poetry allowed for the responder to develop a greater understanding of the universal personal concerns of Yeats.
The Underlining tension between change and stability in Yeats poetry is characterised through nature. Yeats, through his poem “Wild Swans at Coole”, was able to explore the juxtaposition between the everlasting ever sublime nature and the deterioration of one’s inner self through age. Yeats, through the cumulative listing of “Trees… autumn…woodland…twilight” coupled with a visual metaphor focalises the beauty of nature through its ability to stay constant and stable. Yeats couples this with the antithesis of “autumn beauty” where autumn, a time of change, is juxtaposed to beauty to allude to the everlasting beauty of nature. Yeats further expresses his desire for stability through expressing the “ skill sky” and “ water” to elucidate the stable nature of these natural realms of the natural world. Yeats further describe that whilst sitting at Coole park following his rejection from Iseult Gonne there are “Nine and Fifty Swans” where through the Archaic number inversion alludes to the notion that one swan is without a partner acting as a metaphor for Yeats despondent feelings towards Maud Gonne. Through doing this, Yeats is able to explore that through the tension between the external stable beauty of nature and the fleeting, changing nature of humanity. By doing this, Yeats is able to explore the deep passionate idea of humanity where through an external influence places an individual into introspection regarding their position is society based of nature. Hence, Yeats is able to explore the tension between change and stability as a medium to which he is able to explore passionate ideas that lie at the heart of the human condition.
Yeats renowned verse further enables the underlining provocative tension between Change and stability to be characterised through the ever-changing nature of Yeats externa environment. Through Yeats synthesizing the turbulent political environment of Ireland, he was able to express the distinct element of change that was about to be bestowed upon the world. This allowed his poetry to have universal appeal evident through his poem “ The Second Coming”. Yeats allusion to the gyre “ turning and turning in the widening gyre” coupled with the visual metaphor of the “gyre” represents the trigger for change upon society. This is coupled with the Yeats’s alluding to “ the falcon cannot hear the falconer” which focalises the loss of control and stability in societal where societal normalities are seen to be disturbed. This allows Yeats to symbolise the change bestowed upon society through the gyre being that “ things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world”. The short syntax coupled with connotations of anarchy being destruction depicts Yeats reference towards the effects of the current political scene in Ireland and its effects on society. Yeats contrast stability against “ the best lack all conviction whilst the rest are full of passionate intensity” to illustrate how the changing nature of society has led to contradictions lured throughout the modern era. As a result, Yeats is able to explore how societal rebirth and renewal is a necessity in society through which he is able to elucidate his views regarding the tumultuous political environment of Ireland at the time. Hence, Yeats illustration of the Tension between change and stability enables him to express key ideas relating to humanity.
Yeats further evokes the tension between Turmoil and Peace as a medium to express his interpersonal perception of his life. Through his evocative thought provoking poem “Wild Swans at Coole” Yeats is able to explore the enduring turmoil and metaphorical war that is his internal self triggered by his multiple regrets throughout his life. Yeats describe the swans to " all suddenly mount and scatter” where the visual imagery of this action coupled with the antithesis of “scatter” and “mount” juxtaposes the internal tumultuous regrets of his internal self and the scattered and free thought of the swans. Yeats further employs the pathetic fallacy of “The nineteenth autumn has come upon me” to utilise the medium of nature to allude to his old age and nearing death. This leads Yeats into expressing his tumultuous sense of self through the juxtaposition of “and now my heart is sore” to “their hearts have not grown old” which proclaims the immortality of the swans against his realisation of mortality. This enables through a depiction of the interaction between nature and the individual which has enabled Yeats to developed a peaceful sense of self through an understanding of his eventual death. As a result of this, Yeats is able to express notion that mortality is eventual for all of humanity that can be uncovered through an epiphany of a tumultuous identity. Thus, Yeats is able to explore how the relationship between turmoil and peace enables him to blend his ideas in relation to his mortality in an artful form.
Throughout his poetry, Yeats was able to expresses personal preoccupations regarding the tension between peace and turmoil that obtained universal ideas. Yeats effectively did this through his poem “The second Coming” through which Yeats was able to explore the tumultuous nature of the world that was overcome by a religious influence allowing for peace to be ensured. This is evoked when Yeats highlights that “Surely some revelations at hand… surely the second coming is at hand” where through the repetition of “surely” coupled with pleading tone focalises the tumultuous nature of the world whilst alluding to the need peace in Yeats world. This need for peace is exemplified through the religious allusion of “When a vast image out of spiritus mundi troubles my sight” where the metaphor of the spiritus mundi alludes to how through turmoil a trigger for peace in created. Yeats description of this religious saviour beast being “a shape with a lion body and the head of a man” hyperbolically illustrates the body divine yet human elements of the trigger for peace in Yeats environment. This saviour beast is seen for “its hour to come round at last” which Yeats describes through a subverted expectation to signify the need and trigger for peace through the continuing turmoil in his personal life. Yeats allows for this element of peace to be exemplified throughout his mainly traumatic poem to allude to peace being spurred through turmoil. Thus, Yeats successful poetry enables him to blend the idea of peace and turmoil perfectly to artfully express both an understanding of his inner and external worlds.
Through successfully completing this blend of passionate poetry, Yeats can explore the holistic elements of the human condition. Through doing this in his poems “The second coming” and “Wild Swans at Coole’, Yeats can create personal poetry with a universal appeal enabling him to express key ideas regarding the human condition artistically.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 19, 2017, 12:40:56 am
I was wondering if someone could look at my attempt at a opinion piece.
Suggestions for persuasive devices I could use to improve my piece in any way would be greater appreciated.
I hear that humour is an effective device but I found it difficult to do this with the topic being euthanasia
Sure thing! As always, as a non-WACE marker, take my feedback with a few tablespoons of salt :)
Spoiler
It can be said that ‘life is like a box of chocolates. You'll never know what you're going to get’. But one thing that is for certain is that death is inevitable. Wow, you really turned that allusion on its head! I like this intro, actually. I think it captures attention nicely.
Society has always promoted various rights such as liberty, freedom and life for as long as I remember within my short, inexperienced and juvenile 18 years of life. Good introduction to yourself as the author - Perhaps explore this more? Any anecdotes you could add (fictional even)? But the idea of having access to such a wide variety of rights has prompted to me wonder shouldn’t people also have the right to die as well?
Euthanasia is a form of assisted suicide, which gives the patient the authority to choose to end their lives but has become a sensitive and controversial subject that society has swept under the rug for many decades and labelled as a taboo subject. Good point to define the subject - But watch syntax. That sentence needs to be broken up a little. While I understand that death itself is a sensitive topic to discuss, I think that euthanasia should be legalised in Australia to alleviate the suffering of terminally ill patients.
I find it difficult to fathom reasons why terminally ill patients suffering from excruciating pain on a regular basis and their family can not choose euthanasia without being bombarded with critical and negative views and opinions from bystanders without knowledge of the situation at hand. Ditto here, break up your thoughts. Very difficult to digest such large chunks of information without pauses. It seems bizarre that some people would be so offended by an unrelated person’s decision when ‘death is a private matter’ according to religious studies online websites. You want to provide a specific source here - Opinion pieces are well researched!
It makes me wonder why is acceptable to euthanise your pet in order to put an end to their needless suffering as a means of mercy and compassion, but taboo to give the same act of kindness to a human being? Interesting point.
It is heartbreaking to imagine the numerous cases where the terminally ill are forced against their will to continue living. To be subjected to such cruel and inhumane treatment awaiting their inevitable death. Could this be called life? To me prolonged life is simply a prolonged death if you lose the will to live. I think you are raising good points, but you are doing it too quickly. You aren't taking the time to actually convince me with evidence, or appealing to emotion properly, that I should side with you.
Dying with dignity is one of the main arguments for assisted dying, which extends to dealing with psychological and emotional stress in addition to just physical pain associated with a person's suffering. To me psychological and emotional stress can significantly influence someone losing purpose in their life. The fact that a majority of people who do undergo euthanasia commonly share "A sense of being a burden to other people.’ What is this quote from? This sense of burden is huge as they don't want to consume the lives of people they love and that tends to happen because they need a great deal of care to cope with their illness. The weight of being a burden is wears down their fragile psychological and emotional wellbeing. This is better, in that you have slowed down to deal with a single piece of your argument. I think your expression is a little messy though - Again, I need more commas!
Those who are against euthanasia may believe the ill are rejecting the life that was given to them, but it’s not that their ungrateful for the life that they had but the suffering is no longer tolerable. To live everyday with suffering and pain hand in hand until the bitter end appears so lonely and grim. This feels very robotic - I'd be using more emotive language here to really hammer this point home.
The idea to legalise euthanasia in Australia is not unsupported. On the contrary according to the Vote Compass a staggering 75% agree that terminally ill patients should be able to legally end their own lives with medical assistance. Furthermore, the fact that Northern Territory of Australia became the first legislature in the world to pass a law for voluntary euthanasia which came into effect on July 1st 1996 shows that legalising euthanasia is not necessarily impossible. Four Australians, all dying from cancer, legally received the help of a doctor to a peaceful death, before the Federal Parliament overturned the Act in March 1997. Good section! Shows some research - Very nice.
A new poll shows a majority of Australians support making voluntary euthanasia legal for someone experiencing unrelievable and incurable suffering. A targeted online survey of more than 1,400 people conducted by the Australia Institute revealed more than 70 per cent believe euthanasia should be permissible.
Belgium was the second country in the world to pass a law in 2002 legalising euthanasia. The law says doctors can help patients to end their lives when they freely express a wish to die because they are suffering intractable and unbearable pain. Patients can also receive euthanasia if they have clearly stated it before entering a coma or similar vegetative state. High-profile euthanasia cases have included a 44-year-old transsexual woman whose botched sex-change operation left her with physical deformities that she felt made her look like a "monster"; and 45-year-old identical twins who were deaf and going blind and believed they had nothing left to live for. I'd like you to delve into this example more - More statistics, perhaps even interviews/quotes from the Belgium scenario, would be a strong support to your argument here.
In short, making euthanasia legal in Australia is supported by a majority of people. And I personally believe that by following examples set by countries that have already legalised euthanasia will provide terminally ill patients and their families comfort and resolution. If it was me there is no doubt I would choose to die a painless death of my own choosing rather than wait for illness to snuff out my life. Maybe I’m just stubborn, ignorant or both about the controversial topic of euthanasia. But one thing that is for sure is that death is inevitable and I would undoubtedly want to have the right to die.
Society has always promoted various rights such as liberty, freedom and life for as long as I remember within my short, inexperienced and juvenile 18 years of life. Good introduction to yourself as the author - Perhaps explore this more? Any anecdotes you could add (fictional even)? But the idea of having access to such a wide variety of rights has prompted to me wonder shouldn’t people also have the right to die as well?
Euthanasia is a form of assisted suicide, which gives the patient the authority to choose to end their lives but has become a sensitive and controversial subject that society has swept under the rug for many decades and labelled as a taboo subject. Good point to define the subject - But watch syntax. That sentence needs to be broken up a little. While I understand that death itself is a sensitive topic to discuss, I think that euthanasia should be legalised in Australia to alleviate the suffering of terminally ill patients.
I find it difficult to fathom reasons why terminally ill patients suffering from excruciating pain on a regular basis and their family can not choose euthanasia without being bombarded with critical and negative views and opinions from bystanders without knowledge of the situation at hand. Ditto here, break up your thoughts. Very difficult to digest such large chunks of information without pauses. It seems bizarre that some people would be so offended by an unrelated person’s decision when ‘death is a private matter’ according to religious studies online websites. You want to provide a specific source here - Opinion pieces are well researched!
It makes me wonder why is acceptable to euthanise your pet in order to put an end to their needless suffering as a means of mercy and compassion, but taboo to give the same act of kindness to a human being? Interesting point.
It is heartbreaking to imagine the numerous cases where the terminally ill are forced against their will to continue living. To be subjected to such cruel and inhumane treatment awaiting their inevitable death. Could this be called life? To me prolonged life is simply a prolonged death if you lose the will to live. I think you are raising good points, but you are doing it too quickly. You aren't taking the time to actually convince me with evidence, or appealing to emotion properly, that I should side with you.
Dying with dignity is one of the main arguments for assisted dying, which extends to dealing with psychological and emotional stress in addition to just physical pain associated with a person's suffering. To me psychological and emotional stress can significantly influence someone losing purpose in their life. The fact that a majority of people who do undergo euthanasia commonly share "A sense of being a burden to other people.’ What is this quote from? This sense of burden is huge as they don't want to consume the lives of people they love and that tends to happen because they need a great deal of care to cope with their illness. The weight of being a burden is wears down their fragile psychological and emotional wellbeing. This is better, in that you have slowed down to deal with a single piece of your argument. I think your expression is a little messy though - Again, I need more commas!
Those who are against euthanasia may believe the ill are rejecting the life that was given to them, but it’s not that their ungrateful for the life that they had but the suffering is no longer tolerable. To live everyday with suffering and pain hand in hand until the bitter end appears so lonely and grim. This feels very robotic - I'd be using more emotive language here to really hammer this point home.
The idea to legalise euthanasia in Australia is not unsupported. On the contrary according to the Vote Compass a staggering 75% agree that terminally ill patients should be able to legally end their own lives with medical assistance. Furthermore, the fact that Northern Territory of Australia became the first legislature in the world to pass a law for voluntary euthanasia which came into effect on July 1st 1996 shows that legalising euthanasia is not necessarily impossible. Four Australians, all dying from cancer, legally received the help of a doctor to a peaceful death, before the Federal Parliament overturned the Act in March 1997. Good section! Shows some research - Very nice.
A new poll shows a majority of Australians support making voluntary euthanasia legal for someone experiencing unrelievable and incurable suffering. A targeted online survey of more than 1,400 people conducted by the Australia Institute revealed more than 70 per cent believe euthanasia should be permissible.
Belgium was the second country in the world to pass a law in 2002 legalising euthanasia. The law says doctors can help patients to end their lives when they freely express a wish to die because they are suffering intractable and unbearable pain. Patients can also receive euthanasia if they have clearly stated it before entering a coma or similar vegetative state. High-profile euthanasia cases have included a 44-year-old transsexual woman whose botched sex-change operation left her with physical deformities that she felt made her look like a "monster"; and 45-year-old identical twins who were deaf and going blind and believed they had nothing left to live for. I'd like you to delve into this example more - More statistics, perhaps even interviews/quotes from the Belgium scenario, would be a strong support to your argument here.
In short, making euthanasia legal in Australia is supported by a majority of people. And I personally believe that by following examples set by countries that have already legalised euthanasia will provide terminally ill patients and their families comfort and resolution. If it was me there is no doubt I would choose to die a painless death of my own choosing rather than wait for illness to snuff out my life. Maybe I’m just stubborn, ignorant or both about the controversial topic of euthanasia. But one thing that is for sure is that death is inevitable and I would undoubtedly want to have the right to die.
Feedback on each part of your marking key:
Content: I think a large part of your response is driven by emotive pleas to the audience - An opinion piece will balance these with well presented research (which you did in a section), and anecdotal evidence (which you had the opportunity to do with Belgium). I'd like more of this, to break up the big long chunks of "I believe," which really doesn't convince a reader by itself.
marking key:
Genre: Your opinion piece reads more like a speech than an opinion piece, in my eyes. It's a little too "direct," and I think this comes back to saying "I believe" so much, rather than laying out a logical argument and using that in conjunction with the emotive pleas. As an example, this is one of the first opinion pieces I read on the SSM vote, back when it was first raised/proposed I think. It's a very personal issue for the author, but not once does she say "I think" or "I believe" or anything of the sort. Opinion pieces are more subtle. You might also wish to include other generic features like headings, abstracted quotes, more anecdotal evidence, etc.
Expression: This has been covered above, being less direct and portraying your points with more subtlety and flair should definitely be something to strive for. Further, you need to work on breaking your ideas up with proper use of punctuation :)
Hope this helps!! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 19, 2017, 07:18:58 pm
Hey!
I've written three different introductions to a question for Module A; is anyone able to mark the sophistication of each introduction?
Thanks!
Hey there! Totally can check these out - what a great idea :)
Question: In what ways does a comparative study accentuate the distinctive contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty Four?
Introduction 1 (131)
Pursuing a need for destruction and power, an individual ultimately falls victim to their loss of identity. Moreover, their value of self worth may be challenged in the process. This interplay is portrayed as a comparative study of the distinctive contexts of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948). Just a tiny wording thing - the interplay isn't portrayed as a study, it is examined through a study, it is portrayed through respective forms of media/text. While both texts offer similar perspectives, it is ultimately the distinctive contexts of the two texts that presents these ideas in their own different ways; while Metropolis was written as an artistic commentary to the Weimar Republic of Germany, 1984 was written in response to the power of the autocratic government during the Spanish Civil War. Thus, by comparing these texts along with their context, an appreciation of their influence elucidates new ideas.
Introduction 2 (112)
Texts are formulated by their surrounding values and context, and changes in these contexts ultimately leads to change in values reflected by the composer. However, it is the core human concerns that remain static throughout different contexts. Another small wording thing - while I really like this sentence I'm unsure of the word "static" for the reason that it is tooooo rigid, when steady, or firm, give the understanding that they remain strong but can change in their expression. Fritz Lang’s portrayal of an authoritarian capitalist government of Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopic world of complete surveillance in his satirical novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948) become dynamic and foreboding elements to modern day societies, despite its contextual differences. As such, the values and ideas embodied by distinctive contexts are elucidated by a comparative study of the two texts, shedding light to the stark similarities and differences of a society lost in identity.
Introduction 3 (120)
Values and attitudes within texts are presented through the composer’s historical, social and political context, illuminating universal concerns of the human spirit through their distinctive medium. In particular, the contextual reflections of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) is stemmed from the upheaval of Weimar Republic, inspiring German Expressionist film artists such as Lang himself. His central ideas of the breakdown of a society is also explored in George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948), written in response to the authoritarian government of the Spanish Civil War. By comparing these texts, common thematic concerns of power and loss of identity are revealed to the modern audience, amplifying the similarities and differences in these distinctive contexts on the texts.
This one is my favourite. At first I thought "wow, this person has created three perfect introductions" and that more or less remains true. But I think the last one here combines everything - all of the above. The context, the comparison, the human spirit, and the identity you will discuss throughout.
You've done an incredible job here at working three completely different structures to one question - what a great exercise! Which one do you like most?
Post by: Opengangs on September 19, 2017, 09:43:13 pm
Hey there! Totally can check these out - what a great idea :)Hey there!
Question: In what ways does a comparative study accentuate the distinctive contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty Four?I actually really like the way you haven't jumped straight into the "context" that comes in the question, because you still get to it in important and due time. I'd be happy with this!Introduction 1 (131)Pursuing a need for destruction and power, an individual ultimately falls victim to their loss of identity. Moreover, their value of self worth may be challenged in the process. This interplay is portrayed as a comparative study of the distinctive contexts of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948). Just a tiny wording thing - the interplay isn't portrayed as a study, it is examined through a study, it is portrayed through respective forms of media/text. While both texts offer similar perspectives, it is ultimately the distinctive contexts of the two texts that presents these ideas in their own different ways; while Metropolis was written as an artistic commentary to the Weimar Republic of Germany, 1984 was written in response to the power of the autocratic government during the Spanish Civil War. Thus, by comparing these texts along with their context, an appreciation of their influence elucidates new ideas.I like this one too.. I'm surprised at how different you've managed to make them both! I think the first one is better at bringing up the things you will discuss throughout, like the identity and self worth. I also think while the opening sentence of this one is more direct, lots of students will approach it similarly.Introduction 2 (112)Texts are formulated by their surrounding values and context, and changes in these contexts ultimately leads to change in values reflected by the composer. However, it is the core human concerns that remain static throughout different contexts. Another small wording thing - while I really like this sentence I'm unsure of the word "static" for the reason that it is tooooo rigid, when steady, or firm, give the understanding that they remain strong but can change in their expression. Fritz Lang’s portrayal of an authoritarian capitalist government of Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopic world of complete surveillance in his satirical novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948) become dynamic and foreboding elements to modern day societies, despite its contextual differences. As such, the values and ideas embodied by distinctive contexts are elucidated by a comparative study of the two texts, shedding light to the stark similarities and differences of a society lost in identity.Introduction 3 (120)Values and attitudes within texts are presented through the composer’s historical, social and political context, illuminating universal concerns of the human spirit through their distinctive medium. In particular, the contextual reflections of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) is stemmed from the upheaval of Weimar Republic, inspiring German Expressionist film artists such as Lang himself. His central ideas of the breakdown of a society is also explored in George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948), written in response to the authoritarian government of the Spanish Civil War. By comparing these texts, common thematic concerns of power and loss of identity are revealed to the modern audience, amplifying the similarities and differences in these distinctive contexts on the texts.
This one is my favourite. At first I thought "wow, this person has created three perfect introductions" and that more or less remains true. But I think the last one here combines everything - all of the above. The context, the comparison, the human spirit, and the identity you will discuss throughout.
You've done an incredible job here at working three completely different structures to one question - what a great exercise! Which one do you like most?
Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate it. The reason why I'm kinda doing it this way is because my feedback has always remained the same about one aspect -- develop thesis further in introduction -- so I'm trying to develop this.
As for my favourite, I think the third introduction was my favourite because it's the one I put the most thought in haha
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 19, 2017, 10:01:33 pm
Hey there!
Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate it. The reason why I'm kinda doing it this way is because my feedback has always remained the same about one aspect -- develop thesis further in introduction -- so I'm trying to develop this.
As for my favourite, I think the third introduction was my favourite because it's the one I put the most thought in haha
The reason I like the last one most is this:
Values and attitudes within texts are presented through the composer’s historical, social and political context, illuminating universal concerns of the human spirit through their distinctive medium. In particular, the contextual reflections of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) is stemmed from the upheaval of Weimar Republic, inspiring German Expressionist film artists such as Lang himself. His central ideas of the breakdown of a society is also explored in George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948), written in response to the authoritarian government of the Spanish Civil War. By comparing these texts, common thematic concerns of power and loss of identity are revealed to the modern audience, amplifying the similarities and differences in these distinctive contexts on the texts.
Everything I've underlined here is a new thread for you to follow throughout. You've given yourself so much to work with on this one!
Post by: Lumenoria on September 20, 2017, 08:31:42 pm
Ohhh so this is Module B for Year 11? I gotcha - Make sure you don't let them drop you if you get anything even remotely close to 85%. You have a right to do the course you want to do provided you can keep up - I hate schools that mandate getting a Band 6 level mark in Year 11 to do the Year 12 course. Results driven nonsense :P
Definitely important to contextualise - And you do have a character based question, so I totally get it. I suppose the big giveaway you are too text focused is that the composer isn't mentioned throughout. We are analysing a text for the perspective presented by the composer, so there needs to be a recognition of, "Okay, here's the character, they've been framed this way by the composer to present their perspective." Characters are just puppets that represent and communicate the ideas of the composer.
If you constantly think of characters as puppets it starts to make sense. Because although you talk about the puppet, you are really talking about how the ventriloquist manipulates the puppet, that is always behind everything. And it is the same here ;D
Hey, just wanted to thank you once again for your help, I ended up getting 13/15 (87%) for this essay! However, I didn't finish section 1 (unseen texts for belonging) which I received 10/15 on because of poor time management and it ended up dragging my entire yearly mark down to 77%. God, I'm so annoyed because I didn't make the 85% cut by just 2.5 marks, but it was to be expected. I really really don't want to be forced to Standard because I genuinely enjoy English and I believe I'm capable of taking Advanced for my HSC year, so idk what to do. So I've calculated my total mark for Advanced will be 76% for the entirety of this year, which isn't great I know, but I was ranked 12/70 in the half yearlies with the exact same mark, so I feel like it wouldn't have shifted that much. It's really weird because I'm doing extraordinarily well in English Extension but somehow, my Advanced marks are only subpar. My head teacher came to talk to me today actually and said she'd try to keep me in Advanced (depending on whether I'm in the top 40) because she believes my exam technique is good and will take me a long way next year, but she was pretty obscure—which is stressing me out so hard. She also implied that I'm spreading myself too thin with Extension and would be better off just focusing on Advanced. However, I'm almost definite I want to proceed with Extension next year because we're doing the After The Bomb module, which I know I'll find incredibly interesting.
If you were dropped to Standard and wanted to consult her for an 'appeal', what would you say? Also, what are your thoughts on choosing to keep Extension or not and this entire situation overall? We don't find out whether we've made the cut until this Friday btw. Thankyou so much.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 20, 2017, 10:04:47 pm
If you were dropped to Standard and wanted to consult her for an 'appeal', what would you say? Also, what are your thoughts on choosing to keep Extension or not and this entire situation overall? We don't find out whether we've made the cut until this Friday btw. Thankyou so much.
Congrats on an awesome result on the essay!! I'm sure with hard work you can get your marks in the short answer to the same standard ;D
I'd basically just say, "Look, clearly based on my Advanced and Extension results together, I am a very capable English student. I'm willing to work hard, and I'm determined to keep Advanced and Extension because I believe I will get more out of my HSC year doing those courses. I'd understand dropping me if I was going to hold people back but that is definitely not the case."
Or something to that effect - To force you to drop when you are clearly showing dedication and willingness to improve (and from a solid Band 5 level result, by the way, you aren't failing or even close) is just straight wrong. Don't let them do it (get parents involved if you have to ;))!
Oh, and if you're doing better at Extension than Advanced, and you had no significant trouble getting all your work done in Year 11, you should definitely keep both in Year 12 ;D especially if you're enjoying them!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 21, 2017, 11:56:01 am
hey i was wondering if you could have a look at my module B essay for speeches? The question was:"'The issues addressed in speeches are complex and important to personal , political and global contexts, and the spekaer's perspecives are expressed with conviction and authority.' Explore all aspectes of this statement withreference to at least TWO speeches set for study."I did it in 55 min with notes. I hope it's not too hard to read. Thanks so much!! :)
(It wouldn't let me attach the last part of the essay so i'm attaching it another post,)
Hey! Sure thing, obviously can't do comments throughout so I'll pop my thoughts in dot points below:
- First sentence is probably a taaad long, maybe break it up a little, pop a full stop after "environments" perhaps?
- Good introduction of texts in the intro, links them to their importance to context/values well
- I really like how you approach the macro-structure, the first paragraph on how personal connection is achieved is excellent. Nice change from the typical 'conceptual' structure, and I think it works well for the question. However, doing one paragraph on both texts, then separate paragraphs for them following that, does feel a tad awkward.
- Watch the length of your quotes - You'll obviously have less time than you used in the exam so you'll need to really cherry pick the important bits, make your quotes no more than a line wherever possible.
- The Atwood paragraph on politics isn't as good as the previous, it needs more techniques/analysis and less broad explanation - There's only one technique I can see. Good recognition of her personal and historical context, however!
Oh woops I think I'm missing a page on Lessing maybe! Could you check over the images and I'll finish the feedback when I get what is missing?
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 21, 2017, 10:00:36 pm
Hey guys,Hey Katie! :) :) Sure thing chicken wing!
I rewrote my trial essay for Hamlet and would love some feedback on it.
Thanks so much :D
Spoiler
Module B
Hamlet's relationship with other people is significant in his tragic downfall.
Discuss this view of the play, by analysing the impact of Hamlet’s relationship with TWO or THREE characters in the play.
Have to say - a big fan of this question. I didn't even study Hamlet.
Hamlet is placed in an unbelievable situation where, in the process of avenging his father's murder, all of his relationships are put into question. This sentence is opening colloquially because what is unbelievable is subjective. If you want to pursue this style of essay, no issues :) The play Hamlet by William Shakespeare is a revenge tragedy, thus no matter what Hamlet does it ultimately lead to his downfall. I think the more correct statement would be to say that because no matter what he does he is lead to downfall, the play falls into the genre of revenge tragedy - not the other way around. This is highlighted through Hamlet’s antic disposition and distrust of anyone around him. This sentence isn't super strong - "this is highlighted" following a sentence that needs work is a little confusing for the reader. Try reverse the syntax so you privilege the disposition and distrust at the beginning of the sentence - "Hamlet's antic disposition and distrust of anyone around him is observed consistently..." The play is about a prince’s actions and responsibilities after the murder of his father. No need for this snippet of synopsis :) His relationships with others are dramatically impacted by the Elizabethan codes that require him to enact his revenge. His relationships with Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras are all significant in his life, and many others downfalls. I'd bring out your unique approach a little more - this seems to be the disposition and distrust (or whatever else your concept statements will feature to follow). At the moment we focus a lot on saying "yes" to the essay question instead of saying "yes because..." and "yes this is shown through my unique perspective here and I'll tell you more about it..."
Claudius’ corrupt nature, seen through the murder of Hamlet’s father, leads to them having a very strained relationship. Claudius initially instructs Hamlet to stop mourning and to ‘cast thy nighted colour off’, portraying a lack of empathy to Hamlet’s situation. Once Hamlet learns, through the ghost, of his father’s murder he wishes to test this theory to be certain before he takes action because of the potential consequences in taking revenge. Hamlet concludes his, O What a Rogue and Peasant Slave soliloquy, by stating that ‘the play's the thing wherein i’ll catch the conscience of the king’. The use of metatheatre in the symbolically titled play, ‘The Mousetrap’, presents the murder of the king in similar circumstances in an effort to trap Claudius. However, Claudius soon realises that Hamlet has discovered of the murder, and he then plans to murder Hamlet as he is scared for his own safety. He sends Hamlet on a ship to England where he would be executed, with his two school friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern who he trusts as ‘much as adders fanged’. Notice the way in the italicised bit we are talking about the play in general instead of analysing it. In the sentence before there is mention of the symbolically titled play, but no analysis of the symbolic value. I'd double back over this and re-assess the ways in which you're combining text and analysis - there needs to be a greater privilege of analysis. This metaphor further reinforces, no need for a comma here :) Hamlet’s distrust of his school friends as he discovers they have a letter for his execution and have betrayed him the whole time. Hence, due to Claudius’ corrupt nature and Hamlet’s distrust of those around him, their relationship is very tense leading to his eventual demise. Excellent concluding sentence!
Another relationship impacted by Hamlet’s commitment to honour his father’s death is that between him and his mother Gertrude. Hamlet criticizes American spelling ;) his mother’s quick marriage to Claudius believing it unbalances the natural Elizabethan order. The phrase ‘O, most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets!’ further expresses Hamlet’s anger towards his mother and Claudius using what techniques?. The constant references to time, such as ‘two months’ dead: nay not so much’ and ‘within a month’ show Hamlet’s disapproval of the speed in which the marriage occurred after his father’s death. Nice! Hamlet’s relationship with his mother is strained and he is rude at times as he believes she may have played a part in his father’s death. Gertrude also exclaims, “Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul, and there I see such black and grainèd spots”, which through the use of corrupt imagery conveys their tense relationship. Hamlet’s relationship with Gertrude ends with his demise because he doesn’t trust her actions or confide in her about anything leading to a tense, strained relationship. Great concluding sentence again!
Fortinbras is a foil to Hamlet throughout the play contrasting their differing approaches to revenge. Fortinbras has also lost a father, however is hastier in his revenge compared to Hamlet. Hamlet’s soliloquy in act 4, shows him reflecting on Fortinbras actions. He begins by saying ‘How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge!’ This quote further conveys how Hamlet believes that the world around him is accusing him of apathy and reminding him of his incapability in completing his revenge. You're not going to lose marks for saying "this quote..." but as a tip for general sophistication, I find that the essays that don't use it read fluently. I'd say something like, "In a conveyance of apathy...Shakespeare uses this declaration to.."He then realises that Fortinbras army had ‘to my shame, ..imminent death of twenty thousand men.’ This shows Hamlet’s dismay at the doom of these soldiers and how he wouldn’t want anyone to die for no good reason. Hamlet then concludes that ‘O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!’ This demonstrates a change in Hamlet’s mindset as he vows to think of nothing but the murder of his uncle. Throughout this soliloquy, Hamlet moves through various stages of thought, philosophical reflection and inward reflection of the people around him. This relationship with Fortinbras causes Hamlet to stop delaying his revenge and act on it, leading to his and many other deaths.
Initially Hamlet and Ophelia have a close romantic relationship, which is conveyed through ‘He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders of his affection to me.’ Hamlet had adopted his antic disposition with Ophelia, while she has stopped talking to him due to Polonius which dramatically affects their relationship. He acts mad in Ophelia’s room when he looks ‘as if he’d been loosed out of hell to speak of horrors.’ Noting here that the last sentences have been plot retell.The metaphor in ‘pale as his shirt: his knees knocking each other’, shows how Hamlet is portraying himself in a way different to what is expected of a prince. Hamlet’s madness is also portrayed through his ‘get thee to a nunnery speech’, where he also believes he is under surveillance by Claudius and Polonius. He commands Ophelia to ‘be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow’, assuming that all women are unfaithful and will cheat on their husbands. Hamlet and Ophelia have withdrawn from each other and don’t understand each other's position due to these events and Hamlet’s antic disposition. This relationship ultimately ends in Ophelia’s suicide after Hamlet murders Polonius. Therefore, this relationship is significant to both of their eventual downfalls as Hamlet not only feels rejected by his mother and friends by also by the women he loves.
Therefore, throughout the play, Hamlet constantly questions his relationships with other people, which consequently impacts his tragic downfall. This is highlighted through his antic disposition and distrust of those around him. Characters such as Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras and Ophelia have strained, tense relationships with Hamlet. These relationships lead to the death of Hamlet and many other characters at the end of the play.
Hamlet's relationship with other people is significant in his tragic downfall.
Discuss this view of the play, by analysing the impact of Hamlet’s relationship with TWO or THREE characters in the play.
Have to say - a big fan of this question. I didn't even study Hamlet.
Hamlet is placed in an unbelievable situation where, in the process of avenging his father's murder, all of his relationships are put into question. This sentence is opening colloquially because what is unbelievable is subjective. If you want to pursue this style of essay, no issues :) The play Hamlet by William Shakespeare is a revenge tragedy, thus no matter what Hamlet does it ultimately lead to his downfall. I think the more correct statement would be to say that because no matter what he does he is lead to downfall, the play falls into the genre of revenge tragedy - not the other way around. This is highlighted through Hamlet’s antic disposition and distrust of anyone around him. This sentence isn't super strong - "this is highlighted" following a sentence that needs work is a little confusing for the reader. Try reverse the syntax so you privilege the disposition and distrust at the beginning of the sentence - "Hamlet's antic disposition and distrust of anyone around him is observed consistently..." The play is about a prince’s actions and responsibilities after the murder of his father. No need for this snippet of synopsis :) His relationships with others are dramatically impacted by the Elizabethan codes that require him to enact his revenge. His relationships with Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras are all significant in his life, and many others downfalls. I'd bring out your unique approach a little more - this seems to be the disposition and distrust (or whatever else your concept statements will feature to follow). At the moment we focus a lot on saying "yes" to the essay question instead of saying "yes because..." and "yes this is shown through my unique perspective here and I'll tell you more about it..."
Claudius’ corrupt nature, seen through the murder of Hamlet’s father, leads to them having a very strained relationship. Claudius initially instructs Hamlet to stop mourning and to ‘cast thy nighted colour off’, portraying a lack of empathy to Hamlet’s situation. Once Hamlet learns, through the ghost, of his father’s murder he wishes to test this theory to be certain before he takes action because of the potential consequences in taking revenge. Hamlet concludes his, O What a Rogue and Peasant Slave soliloquy, by stating that ‘the play's the thing wherein i’ll catch the conscience of the king’. The use of metatheatre in the symbolically titled play, ‘The Mousetrap’, presents the murder of the king in similar circumstances in an effort to trap Claudius. However, Claudius soon realises that Hamlet has discovered of the murder, and he then plans to murder Hamlet as he is scared for his own safety. He sends Hamlet on a ship to England where he would be executed, with his two school friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern who he trusts as ‘much as adders fanged’. Notice the way in the italicised bit we are talking about the play in general instead of analysing it. In the sentence before there is mention of the symbolically titled play, but no analysis of the symbolic value. I'd double back over this and re-assess the ways in which you're combining text and analysis - there needs to be a greater privilege of analysis. This metaphor further reinforces, no need for a comma here :) Hamlet’s distrust of his school friends as he discovers they have a letter for his execution and have betrayed him the whole time. Hence, due to Claudius’ corrupt nature and Hamlet’s distrust of those around him, their relationship is very tense leading to his eventual demise. Excellent concluding sentence!
Another relationship impacted by Hamlet’s commitment to honour his father’s death is that between him and his mother Gertrude. Hamlet criticizes American spelling ;) his mother’s quick marriage to Claudius believing it unbalances the natural Elizabethan order. The phrase ‘O, most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets!’ further expresses Hamlet’s anger towards his mother and Claudius using what techniques?. The constant references to time, such as ‘two months’ dead: nay not so much’ and ‘within a month’ show Hamlet’s disapproval of the speed in which the marriage occurred after his father’s death. Nice! Hamlet’s relationship with his mother is strained and he is rude at times as he believes she may have played a part in his father’s death. Gertrude also exclaims, “Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul, and there I see such black and grainèd spots”, which through the use of corrupt imagery conveys their tense relationship. Hamlet’s relationship with Gertrude ends with his demise because he doesn’t trust her actions or confide in her about anything leading to a tense, strained relationship. Great concluding sentence again!
Fortinbras is a foil to Hamlet throughout the play contrasting their differing approaches to revenge. Fortinbras has also lost a father, however is hastier in his revenge compared to Hamlet. Hamlet’s soliloquy in act 4, shows him reflecting on Fortinbras actions. He begins by saying ‘How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge!’ This quote further conveys how Hamlet believes that the world around him is accusing him of apathy and reminding him of his incapability in completing his revenge. You're not going to lose marks for saying "this quote..." but as a tip for general sophistication, I find that the essays that don't use it read fluently. I'd say something like, "In a conveyance of apathy...Shakespeare uses this declaration to.."He then realises that Fortinbras army had ‘to my shame, ..imminent death of twenty thousand men.’ This shows Hamlet’s dismay at the doom of these soldiers and how he wouldn’t want anyone to die for no good reason. Hamlet then concludes that ‘O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!’ This demonstrates a change in Hamlet’s mindset as he vows to think of nothing but the murder of his uncle. Throughout this soliloquy, Hamlet moves through various stages of thought, philosophical reflection and inward reflection of the people around him. This relationship with Fortinbras causes Hamlet to stop delaying his revenge and act on it, leading to his and many other deaths.
Initially Hamlet and Ophelia have a close romantic relationship, which is conveyed through ‘He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders of his affection to me.’ Hamlet had adopted his antic disposition with Ophelia, while she has stopped talking to him due to Polonius which dramatically affects their relationship. He acts mad in Ophelia’s room when he looks ‘as if he’d been loosed out of hell to speak of horrors.’ Noting here that the last sentences have been plot retell.The metaphor in ‘pale as his shirt: his knees knocking each other’, shows how Hamlet is portraying himself in a way different to what is expected of a prince. Hamlet’s madness is also portrayed through his ‘get thee to a nunnery speech’, where he also believes he is under surveillance by Claudius and Polonius. He commands Ophelia to ‘be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow’, assuming that all women are unfaithful and will cheat on their husbands. Hamlet and Ophelia have withdrawn from each other and don’t understand each other's position due to these events and Hamlet’s antic disposition. This relationship ultimately ends in Ophelia’s suicide after Hamlet murders Polonius. Therefore, this relationship is significant to both of their eventual downfalls as Hamlet not only feels rejected by his mother and friends by also by the women he loves.
Therefore, throughout the play, Hamlet constantly questions his relationships with other people, which consequently impacts his tragic downfall. This is highlighted through his antic disposition and distrust of those around him. Characters such as Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras and Ophelia have strained, tense relationships with Hamlet. These relationships lead to the death of Hamlet and many other characters at the end of the play.
You have a really good understanding of the plot and the way relationships interact in the plot to portray the downfall of Hamlet. Have a look at the criteria for Module B here (I'm just using 2014 as an example):
• Explores skilfully how the portrayal of the complex nature of revenge/
life’s journey/family life/identity/self-determination/independence/
happiness/inspiration/personal experience/nationalism/national identity
contribute to the enduring value of the text
• Demonstrates a well-informed understanding of context, language, form and ideas using well selected and detailed textual references
• Composes a thoughtful argument using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
It's in these last two dot points that I think we can improve. Particularly looking at context - there's very little reference to context throughout the essay despite it being brought up in the introduction. We need to make sure this is being embedded more. It can be tricky, and I found the best way to do this for Shakespeare in Module B is to look at the contextual values rather than events, and how this is portrayed in the text. Your textual references aren't "detailed" in the way that they often stand in isolation instead of being talked about in relation to other techniques - or because there's usually one technique per quote, instead of looking at the ways the different techniques could come together and compound to create something more meaningful. Whenever there is a quote - search to find a technique and don't forget to talk about the effect, there are some times when the technique is identified but not the effect (like the symbolic play title). This density is important for the fluidity that characterises the best essays, but at the moment we're looking at a few pieces of evidence in each paragraph, with a focus on the interactions of the plot more. Shakespeare's play is so full of great language, it's important to make sure that you are focusing on the language when it comes to Shakespeare - there's just so much at play at any one time. Don't be afraid to compound modality, connotations, and imagery all in the one, often it is the case (with other techniques, though!).
I hope this makes sense to you, let me know what you think :)
PS. I marked this on the train this morning but didn't post! Apologies!! You've been busy graduating anyway ;)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 21, 2017, 10:32:53 pm
Hi all,
Would I be able to get the below essay marked and perphaps a guide to what range im sitting in ( A, B, C, D)
Thank you
Sure thing :) I studied Yeats so I love reading these essays!
[/quote]
Spoiler
Successful poetry is a persuasive blend of passionate ideas artfully expressed
Is this your view of Yeats poetry refer to at least two poems?
Interesting question!
The enduring value of Yeats verse was its ability to conform to a vast array of subject matters. As result of this, Yeats can express key ideas that lie at the heart of the human condition through his evocative poetry. Yeats explore tensions of change and stabilitycomma and peace and turmoil through developing an existential understanding of his greater world. Hence, he is able to effectively portray the elements which determine the human experience. He explores these universal concepts through his poems “The Second Coming” and “Wild Swans at Coole” where Yeats can blend these underlining tensions of the human experience together to artfully express the nature of his internal and external worlds. Thus, Yeats renowned poetry allowed for the responder to develop a greater understanding of the universal personal concerns of Yeats. No qualms here!
The Underlining tension between change and stability in Yeats poetry is characterised through characterised by nature, perhaps? nature. Yeats, through his poem “Wild Swans at Coole”,was is able to explore the juxtaposition between the everlasting ever sublime nature and the deterioration of one’s inner self through age. Yeats, through the cumulative listing of “Trees… autumn…woodland…twilight” coupled with a visual metaphor focalises the beauty of nature through its ability to stay constant and stable. Yeats couples this with the antithesis of “autumn beauty” I wouldn't say this is an antithesis, but a juxtaposition of connotations, or a parallel of contrasting connotations. where autumn, a time of change, is juxtaposed to beauty to allude to the everlasting beauty of nature. Yeats further expresses his desire for stability through expressing the “ skill sky” and “ water” to elucidate the stable nature of these natural realms of the natural world Think about your expression here to change it up without the repetition of "natural" . Yeats Five sentences in a row starting with "Yeats" - change it up :) further describe that whilst sitting at Coole park following his rejection from Iseult Gonne in his personal life there are “Nine and Fifty Swans” where through the Archaic number inversion alludes to the notion that one swan is without a partner acting as a metaphor for Yeats despondent feelings towards Maud Gonne. Through doing this, Yeats is able to explore that through the tension between the external stable beauty of nature and the fleeting, changing nature of humanity. By doing this, Through this and "by doing this" are two consecutive sentence openers - use different wording to avoid sounding repetitious :) Yeats is able to explore the deep passionate idea of humanity where through an external influence places an individual into introspection regarding their position is society based of nature. More on the repetitive wording - "is able to explore" Hence, Yeats is able to explore the tension between change and stability as a medium to which he is able to explore passionate ideas that lie at the heart of the human condition.
Yeats renowned verse further enables the underlining provocative tension between Change and stability to be characterised through the ever-changing nature of Yeats external environment. Through Yeats synthesizing synthesising* the turbulent political environment of Ireland, he was able to express the distinct element of change that was about to be bestowed upon the world. This allowed his poetry to have universal appeal evident through his poem “ The Second Coming”. Love this sentence - bringing it into greater applicability. Yeats allusion to the gyre “ turning and turning in the widening gyre” coupled with the visual metaphor of the “gyre” represents the trigger for change upon society. Love the way you've used two techniques for the one topic - that piggybacking is really effective. This is coupled with the Yeats’s alluding to “ the falcon cannot hear the falconer” which focalises the loss of control and stability in societal where societal normalities are seen to be disturbed. This allows Yeats to symbolise the change bestowed upon society through the gyre being that “ things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world”. The short syntax coupled with connotations of anarchy being destruction depicts Yeats reference towards the effects of the current political scene in Ireland and its effects on society. Again, excellent coupling! Yeats contrast stability against “ the best lack all conviction whilst the rest are full of passionate intensity” to illustrate how the changing nature of society has led to contradictions lured throughout the modern era. As a result, Yeats is able to explore how societal rebirth and renewal is a necessity in society through which he is able to elucidate his views regarding the tumultuous political environment of Ireland at the time. Hence, Yeats illustration of the Tension No need to capitalise between change and stability enables him to express key ideas relating to humanity.
Yeats further evokes the tension between Turmoil and Peace as a medium to express his interpersonal perception of his life. Through his evocative thought provoking poem “Wild Swans at Coole” Yeats is able to explore the enduring turmoil and metaphorical war that is his internal self triggered by his multiple regrets throughout his life. Yeats describes the swans to " all suddenly mount and scatter” where the visual imagery of this action coupled with the antithesis of “scatter” and “mount” juxtaposes the internal tumultuous regrets of his internal self and the scattered and free thought of the swans. Yeats further employs the pathetic fallacy of “The nineteenth autumn has come upon me” to utilise the medium of nature to allude to his old age and nearing death. This leads Yeats into expressing his tumultuous sense of self through the juxtaposition of “and now my heart is sore” to “their hearts have not grown old” which proclaims the immortality of the swans against his realisation of mortality. This enables "This leads" and "this enables" again, two sentences that begin in similar ways. Variation is key :) through a depiction of the interaction between nature and the individual which has enabled Yeats to developed a peaceful sense of self through an understanding of his eventual death. As a result of this, Yeats is able to express notion that mortality is eventual for all of humanity that can be uncovered through an epiphany of a tumultuous identity. Thus, Yeats is able to explore how the relationship between turmoil and peace enables him to blend his ideas in relation to his mortality in an artful form.
Throughout his poetry, Yeats was able to expresses personal preoccupations regarding the tension between peace and turmoil that obtained universal ideas. Yeats effectively did this through his poem “The second Coming” through which Yeats was able to explore the tumultuous nature of the world that was overcome by a religious influence allowing for peace to be ensured. This is evoked when Yeats highlights that “Surely some revelations at hand… surely the second coming is at hand” where through the repetition of “surely” coupled with pleading tone focalises the tumultuous nature of the world whilst alluding to the need peace in Yeats world. This need for peace is exemplified through the religious allusion of “When a vast image out of spiritus mundi troubles my sight” where the metaphor of the spiritus mundi alludes to how through turmoil a trigger for peace in created. Yeats description of this religious saviour beast being “a shape with a lion body and the head of a man” hyperbolically illustrates the body divine yet human elements of the trigger for peace in Yeats environment. This saviour beast is seen for “its hour to come round at last” which Yeats describes through a subverted expectation to signify the need and trigger for peace through the continuing turmoil in his personal life. Yeats allows for this element of peace to be exemplified throughout his mainly traumatic poem to allude to peace being spurred through turmoil. Thus, Yeats successful poetry enables him to blend the idea of peace and turmoil perfectly to artfully express both an understanding of his inner and external worlds.
Through successfully completing this blend of passionate poetry, Yeats can explore the holistic elements of the human condition. Through doing this in his poems “The second coming” and “Wild Swans at Coole’, Yeats can create personal poetry with a universal appeal enabling him to express key ideas regarding the human condition artistically.
Is this your view of Yeats poetry refer to at least two poems?
Interesting question!
The enduring value of Yeats verse was its ability to conform to a vast array of subject matters. As result of this, Yeats can express key ideas that lie at the heart of the human condition through his evocative poetry. Yeats explore tensions of change and stabilitycomma and peace and turmoil through developing an existential understanding of his greater world. Hence, he is able to effectively portray the elements which determine the human experience. He explores these universal concepts through his poems “The Second Coming” and “Wild Swans at Coole” where Yeats can blend these underlining tensions of the human experience together to artfully express the nature of his internal and external worlds. Thus, Yeats renowned poetry allowed for the responder to develop a greater understanding of the universal personal concerns of Yeats. No qualms here!
The Underlining tension between change and stability in Yeats poetry is characterised through characterised by nature, perhaps? nature. Yeats, through his poem “Wild Swans at Coole”,
Yeats renowned verse further enables the underlining provocative tension between Change and stability to be characterised through the ever-changing nature of Yeats external environment. Through Yeats synthesizing synthesising* the turbulent political environment of Ireland, he was able to express the distinct element of change that was about to be bestowed upon the world. This allowed his poetry to have universal appeal evident through his poem “ The Second Coming”. Love this sentence - bringing it into greater applicability. Yeats allusion to the gyre “ turning and turning in the widening gyre” coupled with the visual metaphor of the “gyre” represents the trigger for change upon society. Love the way you've used two techniques for the one topic - that piggybacking is really effective. This is coupled with the Yeats’s alluding to “ the falcon cannot hear the falconer” which focalises the loss of control and stability in societal where societal normalities are seen to be disturbed. This allows Yeats to symbolise the change bestowed upon society through the gyre being that “ things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world”. The short syntax coupled with connotations of anarchy being destruction depicts Yeats reference towards the effects of the current political scene in Ireland and its effects on society. Again, excellent coupling! Yeats contrast stability against “ the best lack all conviction whilst the rest are full of passionate intensity” to illustrate how the changing nature of society has led to contradictions lured throughout the modern era. As a result, Yeats is able to explore how societal rebirth and renewal is a necessity in society through which he is able to elucidate his views regarding the tumultuous political environment of Ireland at the time. Hence, Yeats illustration of the Tension No need to capitalise between change and stability enables him to express key ideas relating to humanity.
Yeats further evokes the tension between Turmoil and Peace as a medium to express his interpersonal perception of his life. Through his evocative thought provoking poem “Wild Swans at Coole” Yeats is able to explore the enduring turmoil and metaphorical war that is his internal self triggered by his multiple regrets throughout his life. Yeats describes the swans to " all suddenly mount and scatter” where the visual imagery of this action coupled with the antithesis of “scatter” and “mount” juxtaposes the internal tumultuous regrets of his internal self and the scattered and free thought of the swans. Yeats further employs the pathetic fallacy of “The nineteenth autumn has come upon me” to utilise the medium of nature to allude to his old age and nearing death. This leads Yeats into expressing his tumultuous sense of self through the juxtaposition of “and now my heart is sore” to “their hearts have not grown old” which proclaims the immortality of the swans against his realisation of mortality. This enables "This leads" and "this enables" again, two sentences that begin in similar ways. Variation is key :) through a depiction of the interaction between nature and the individual which has enabled Yeats to developed a peaceful sense of self through an understanding of his eventual death. As a result of this, Yeats is able to express notion that mortality is eventual for all of humanity that can be uncovered through an epiphany of a tumultuous identity. Thus, Yeats is able to explore how the relationship between turmoil and peace enables him to blend his ideas in relation to his mortality in an artful form.
Throughout his poetry, Yeats was able to expresses personal preoccupations regarding the tension between peace and turmoil that obtained universal ideas. Yeats effectively did this through his poem “The second Coming” through which Yeats was able to explore the tumultuous nature of the world that was overcome by a religious influence allowing for peace to be ensured. This is evoked when Yeats highlights that “Surely some revelations at hand… surely the second coming is at hand” where through the repetition of “surely” coupled with pleading tone focalises the tumultuous nature of the world whilst alluding to the need peace in Yeats world. This need for peace is exemplified through the religious allusion of “When a vast image out of spiritus mundi troubles my sight” where the metaphor of the spiritus mundi alludes to how through turmoil a trigger for peace in created. Yeats description of this religious saviour beast being “a shape with a lion body and the head of a man” hyperbolically illustrates the body divine yet human elements of the trigger for peace in Yeats environment. This saviour beast is seen for “its hour to come round at last” which Yeats describes through a subverted expectation to signify the need and trigger for peace through the continuing turmoil in his personal life. Yeats allows for this element of peace to be exemplified throughout his mainly traumatic poem to allude to peace being spurred through turmoil. Thus, Yeats successful poetry enables him to blend the idea of peace and turmoil perfectly to artfully express both an understanding of his inner and external worlds.
Through successfully completing this blend of passionate poetry, Yeats can explore the holistic elements of the human condition. Through doing this in his poems “The second coming” and “Wild Swans at Coole’, Yeats can create personal poetry with a universal appeal enabling him to express key ideas regarding the human condition artistically.
In my opinion, your strongest quality is your ability to couple techniques together to show the way the piece compounds, instead of dealing with everything in isolation. I'm very impressed with that! Your selection of parts of the text to draw on is also really judiciously executed, and I think that's great. The thing that let's you down is your wording - but it's not too difficult to fix so that's great. Your last two body paragraphs don't grapple with "passionate" as is the wording of the essay question, and your second body paragraph mentions it once. Similarly, there's no mention of "persuasive." As these are key parts of the essay question they need to be tangibly dealt with in the essay - they need to be approached and tackled and treated with care in different lights. Synonyms are of course OK to use, but typically only after you've established that you recognise the significance of the words from the question. I've identified a number of places where you are using repetitive language. Interestingly, it seems to be so often at the start of your sentences. An important exercise for you is to look at your sentence, and then the one before and after it, and see if you're opening it with the same word, or the same string of words. At the end of the first body paragraph I thought I was reading the same thing three times over in slightly different wording because of the way they opened so similarly. You use "is able to..." a fair bit. I'd change up this word to, "Yeats enables the reader to..." and "Yeats explores" and essentially just cutting out "is able to" and leave the following verb as is - it will stand alone!
Otherwise this is a great essay. I've uploaded my own Yeats notes in the "notes" tabs if you haven't seem them already. I'd also make a greater mention of textual integrity - your analysis recognises that you understand the way the text comes together, but it wouldn't be harmful to link to the oeuvre as a whole! :)
Post by: Lachlan Morley on September 22, 2017, 09:25:05 am
Hi Ellyse
Your feeback is awesome and 10 times better then i have ever recieved before by my class teacher
Thanks for your help
After reading it i realsie how repetative i sounded
If i fix these issues up do you think i would be able to break into the 'B' range
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 22, 2017, 09:36:17 am
Hi Ellyse
Your feeback is awesome and 10 times better then i have ever recieved before by my class teacher
Thanks for your help
After reading it i realsie how repetative i sounded
If i fix these issues up do you think i would be able to break into the 'B' range
Hey Lachlan, glad to hear this :)
The first adjustment is making sure you aren't sounding repetitive, and when you've done that I think the overall sophistication will skyrocket, and then after that we need to look at addressing the question, which is the key thing to bumping you into the next range. I have no doubt that when these two things are adjusted, the entire essay will come together really nicely and you'll be sitting in a B :)
Post by: Lachlan Morley on September 22, 2017, 09:39:14 am
Hey Lachlan, glad to hear this :)
The first adjustment is making sure you aren't sounding repetitive, and when you've done that I think the overall sophistication will skyrocket, and then after that we need to look at addressing the question, which is the key thing to bumping you into the next range. I have no doubt that when these two things are adjusted, the entire essay will come together really nicely and you'll be sitting in a B :)
Ok perfect thanks Ellyse,
I'll continue to work on it and apply this feeback and will re submit an essay in a few weeks to see how if i'm getting better
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 22, 2017, 09:41:49 am
Ok perfect thanks Ellyse,
I'll continue to work on it and apply this feeback and will re submit an essay in a few weeks to see how if i'm getting better
I look forward to it! :)
Post by: Tech9 on September 23, 2017, 01:50:24 pm
Below I will attach my Module responses from A-C. However for Module B i changed it significantly due to an unfamiliar question.
I struggled heavily in Module B in the trials due to lack of depth in my response. I received 13/20. Any savage feedback/ re-editing will be greatly appreciated :)
Thank you.
Wilson :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 23, 2017, 02:06:45 pm
Hello Elyse,
Below I will attach my Module responses from A-C. However for Module B i changed it significantly due to an unfamiliar question.
I struggled heavily in Module B in the trials due to lack of depth in my response. I received 13/20. Any savage feedback/ re-editing will be greatly appreciated :)
Thank you.
Wilson :)
Hey Wilson! Welcome to the forums ;D we have a post exchange policy for essay marking that you can read about here, you'll need to be around the site a little before you are eligible for feedback :)
Post by: zhilin1999 on September 25, 2017, 11:15:02 am
Post by: Natasha.97 on September 25, 2017, 11:16:38 am
hey i was wondering if i could get some feedback on the Hamlet essay
Hi zhilin1999, welcome to the forums!
You will need 50 posts to qualify for 1 essay marked as written in the rationale here :)
Post by: anotherworld2b on September 25, 2017, 01:46:59 pm
Spoiler
Question 3 (20 marks)
Explain how Curtin constructs a sense of voice to convey family relationships in Text 3 and compare this representation with Text 1.
In both extracts from the short story Synapses by the American author, Amanda Curtin and the memory The invention of solitude by American author, Paul Auster the representation of family relationships are explored. However, the two texts differ in that the author of each text depict family relationships in differing ways.
In an extract of the short story ‘ Synapses’ by Australian author, Amanda Curtin, the author uses a variety of language conventions to construct the narrator’s voice. The extract is written in what can described as a childish voice, although it seems somewhat mature at certain parts. The author's deliberate choice of simple diction conveys a relaxed and comfortable tone. This can be seen in the use of words such as ‘little’ and ‘pretty, which create the effect of the author portraying the thoughts of a innocent child. The author utilises first person to describe the loving familial interactions between father and child such as when the father calmly and softly ‘withdrew the hook’ from the child’s hand to emphasise the child’s admiration and love for their father.The overall effect of the voice used in this extract is that of an young child sharing a memory of an everyday outing with their father, a simple yet significant interaction for the child. The use of this detail suggests the author is deliberately trying to appeal to the reader’s sense of connection and familiarity towards the significance of familial relationships.
However, the extracts differ in that the short story Synapses by the American author, Amanda Curtin presents familial relationships in particular father and child relationships as of utmost importance to a young child whereas the invention of solitude by American author, Paul Auster presents familial relationships as somewhat irrelevant and unnecessary. In an excerpt of the memoir ‘the invention of solitude by Paul Auster , the author uses a variety of language conventions to construct the author’s voice. Auster’s use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘I was remarkably prepared to accept this death, in spite of its suddenness.’ constructs the narrator’s tone of detachment despite the knowledge of the author’s father being dead. The impact of crafting a tone of detachment in the author’s voice evokes a sense of shock by challenging the preconceived expectation of grief towards the death of a parent. The author utilises first person to describe the author’s thoughts ‘I did not shed any tears, I did not feel as though the world had collapsed around’ to enhance the tone of detachment from the death of the author’s father in the author’s voice. In addition, the use of first person narration in describing the author’s duty to ‘write about my father’ as simply a ‘an obligation’ further enhances the author’s voice and a tone of annoyance by the author’s nonchalant acceptance of his father’s death. The overall effect of the voice used in this extract is that of an emotionless son describing his thoughts about the death of his father as somewhat of a annoyance and a burden. This detail suggests the author lacks intimacy with his father and simply does not have a strong and founded relationship.
Explain how Curtin constructs a sense of voice to convey family relationships in Text 3 and compare this representation with Text 1.
In both extracts from the short story Synapses by the American author, Amanda Curtin and the memory The invention of solitude by American author, Paul Auster the representation of family relationships are explored. However, the two texts differ in that the author of each text depict family relationships in differing ways.
In an extract of the short story ‘ Synapses’ by Australian author, Amanda Curtin, the author uses a variety of language conventions to construct the narrator’s voice. The extract is written in what can described as a childish voice, although it seems somewhat mature at certain parts. The author's deliberate choice of simple diction conveys a relaxed and comfortable tone. This can be seen in the use of words such as ‘little’ and ‘pretty, which create the effect of the author portraying the thoughts of a innocent child. The author utilises first person to describe the loving familial interactions between father and child such as when the father calmly and softly ‘withdrew the hook’ from the child’s hand to emphasise the child’s admiration and love for their father.The overall effect of the voice used in this extract is that of an young child sharing a memory of an everyday outing with their father, a simple yet significant interaction for the child. The use of this detail suggests the author is deliberately trying to appeal to the reader’s sense of connection and familiarity towards the significance of familial relationships.
However, the extracts differ in that the short story Synapses by the American author, Amanda Curtin presents familial relationships in particular father and child relationships as of utmost importance to a young child whereas the invention of solitude by American author, Paul Auster presents familial relationships as somewhat irrelevant and unnecessary. In an excerpt of the memoir ‘the invention of solitude by Paul Auster , the author uses a variety of language conventions to construct the author’s voice. Auster’s use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘I was remarkably prepared to accept this death, in spite of its suddenness.’ constructs the narrator’s tone of detachment despite the knowledge of the author’s father being dead. The impact of crafting a tone of detachment in the author’s voice evokes a sense of shock by challenging the preconceived expectation of grief towards the death of a parent. The author utilises first person to describe the author’s thoughts ‘I did not shed any tears, I did not feel as though the world had collapsed around’ to enhance the tone of detachment from the death of the author’s father in the author’s voice. In addition, the use of first person narration in describing the author’s duty to ‘write about my father’ as simply a ‘an obligation’ further enhances the author’s voice and a tone of annoyance by the author’s nonchalant acceptance of his father’s death. The overall effect of the voice used in this extract is that of an emotionless son describing his thoughts about the death of his father as somewhat of a annoyance and a burden. This detail suggests the author lacks intimacy with his father and simply does not have a strong and founded relationship.
Post by: KeelzeyMac on September 26, 2017, 05:46:04 pm
I've read the rules on posting for essay marking, and I know that I have WAY less than 50 posts- but I am getting a bit desperate :( My english teacher has yet to reply to my last email, which was around 5 days ago- if there's a way that you would be able to look at my Mod A essay, it would be greatly appreciated!
Our interest in the parallels between The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poetry is further enhanced by consideration of their marked differences in textual form.
Evaluate this statement in light of your comparative study of The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poetry.
The marked differences in textual form undertaken by composers reveal not only the thematic parallels between texts, but also the contrasting opinions of the credibility of ideal love within particular contexts. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel, The Great Gatsby, explores how ideal love remains unattainable due to the past’s influence on the present era of the American Jazz Age. Conversely, Elizabeth Barrett Brownings’ (EBB) collection of poems, Sonnets from the Portuguese, explores the transcendental nature that ideal love has over barriers of class structure in Victorian England. While each composer explores both themes and their correlation to the respective context, the vast difference in textual forms gives the readers an insight into the composer’s own opinions of ideal love, and how these are both sustained and subverted throughout each text.
Composers’ treatment of the past influencing their present context correlates to their differing outlooks on ideal love, elucidated through distinct choices in textual form. In Fitzgerald’s the Great Gatsby, the progressive nature of time acts as a catalyst for Gatsby’s inability to “repeat the past”- referring to his desire for an ideal love with Daisy. Fitzgerald utilises the first person narration of Nick Carraway as a conscious voice of pragmatism throughout the novel, thus effectively revealing his own opinions on the desire to achieve the American Dream in this Roaring Twenties context as futile. Nick comments on Gatsby’s feverish desire; looking “around wildly, as if the past were hidden…just out of reach.” The personification of the past as a tangible object elicits pathos from readers, as Gatsby’s desire to achieve ideal love positions him as a heroic individual. However, Fitzgerald’s outlook on the nature of time in the Roaring Twenties- revealed through Carraway’s narration- condemns him to fail, as Nick realistically points out that he “can’t repeat the past.” In this way, Fitzgerald conveys that Gatsby’s inability to recognise time as progressive- and therefore unrepeatable- represents the nature of society in this context; ideal love and the American Dream cannot be achieved with a retrospective treatment of time. Fitzgerald summarises this through his metaphor- “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”- positioning Gatsby and the Roaring Twenties society as boats trying to ‘beat’ against the current of time in attempting to repeat the past. The combination of Nick’s narration and this final metaphor reveal the distinct textual choices Fitzgerald undertook to convey that ideal love is unachievable through the past’s impact on the present.
Conversely, EBB’s sonnets explore time with retrospective fondness, and her Persona’s ability to achieve the ideal love she desires puts the text at a direct opposition to Fitzgerald’s novel. This ability to achieve ideal love in the Victorian context is revealed through EBB’s historical allusions to Ancient Greece- the pastoral setting of love and courtship. EBB’s Persona laments in her first sonnet of how “Theocritus had sung of the sweet, sad years”, effectively conveying the impact that this past has on her present melancholy. This is elucidated further by the sibilance and musical lyricism of ‘sweet’ and ‘sad’ sounding like an aching sigh, which allows the readers to identify the Persona’s initial outlook on her past as both gloomy and pleasing. When compared to the final lines of the sonnet, as the Persona is “drawn back by the hair” by “not death, but love” it is revealed that the immense power and personification of love indicates a renewal in spirit for the protagonist. In this way, EBB comments on the nature of her Victorian context as fulfilling for achieving ideal love, and directly linked to the past’s impact on the present. EBB’s historical allusion to Greek love and courtship, as well as her implementation of musical lyricism are in direct conjunction to the pragmatic narration of The Great Gatsby. Unlike Fitzgerald’s novel, EBB’s textual form conveys a renewal from the past to the present, and allow the Persona and the composer to reflect on their ability to achieve ideal love.
The barriers of class that composers explore within their respective context are revealed to audiences through different textual forms, thus highlighting the differences of ideal love in each text. Fitzgerald uses distinct class structure as a way to explore how these obstruct the development of ideal love, analysed through the persona and actions of Daisy Buchanan- a character that is metonymic of East Egg’s “Old Money”. Daisy’s own constraints are revealed as she laments that “the best thing a girl can be in this world is a beautiful little fool”- using vague pronouns to allude that a ‘beautiful fool’ is what she herself desires to be. In this way, Fitzgerald reveals that Daisy is aware that she is not foolish enough to believe that she has achieved an ideal and loving relationship with Tom, but inadvertently remains a fool by physically restricting herself to appearance alone. Fitzgerald uses Daisy’s character to comment on the lack of agency that women had in achieving ideal love in the Roaring Twenties- instead being restricted by barriers of social class. He sustains Daisy’s sole value on her appearance, as Gatsby later comments that Daisy’s voice is “full of money”- indicative of his value for her wealthy status and physical attributes. Readers therefore position Daisy as a symbol of the Jazz Age- highly reliant on material values rather than agency and independence, and thus constrained from achieving ideal love. Fitzgerald’s symbolic function of Daisy Buchanan as both a symbol of the Jazz Age and a figure constrained by her own social class reveals how he supports that ideal love is unrealistic in the context of the Roaring Twenties.
EBB’s Persona falls in conjunction to Fitzgerald’s portrayal of Daisy’s character. Instead of a woman being constrained by social class, EBB creates a persona that conforms and subverts these societal standards, reducing their importance and thus strengthening the transcendent nature of ideal love in the context of Victorian England. EBB first conforms to the Victorian requirement of a passive woman in sonnet thirteen, stating, “Let the silence of my womanhood commend my woman love to thy belief.” The repetition of ‘woman’ reveals that EBB is aware of her sonnets being shaped by a Patriarchal code that stops her agency in love. However, EBB also utilises the Petrarchan sonnet form to convey her emotions- a typically masculine template of exploring love- thus strengthening her agency throughout each sonnet. Furthermore, EBB’s Persona employs a ‘commanding voice’ in sonnet twenty one, stating, “Say thou dost love me, love me, love me, toll…”- explicitly demanding love from her recipient. The repetition of ‘love me’ likens her words to a heartbeat, allowing readers to once again connect to the raw immensity of her emotions. Therefore, EBB’s choices of textual form indicate a subversion of the typical ‘Victorian Woman’ as obedient and impassive to love. The Persona’s subversion of class constraints is a contrasting action to Daisy’s conformity in the Great Gatsby- revealing that this subversion is what allows EBB and her Persona to achieve ideal love.
Thus, each composer utilises different textual forms to convey how ideal love is both attainable and unattainable within their context. Fitzgerald’s use of first-person narration, metaphors of time’s progressive nature and symbols of the lack of agency in the Jazz Age limit the existence of ideal love in his context. In opposition, EBB’s sonnets utilise historical allusion, musical lyricism and Petrarchan form to strengthen the transcendental nature of ideal love. This allows both herself and readers to confirm that her Victorian context enriches ideal love’s existence, and thus highlights the marked differences in each text.
Thank you in advance!
Post by: Natasha.97 on September 26, 2017, 06:18:02 pm
Quote
Hiya!
I've read the rules on posting for essay marking, and I know that I have WAY less than 50 posts- but I am getting a bit desperate :( My english teacher has yet to reply to my last email, which was around 5 days ago- if there's a way that you would be able to look at my Mod A essay, it would be greatly appreciated!
Hi KeelzeyMac!
Unfortunately, the post count requirement is set in place to allow the markers to prioritise marking essays (they can't mark 24/7!) Due to the high demand of essay marking, no exceptions can be made. Sorry!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 26, 2017, 06:27:36 pm
Hi KeelzeyMac!
Unfortunately, the post count requirement is set in place to allow the markers to prioritise marking essays (they can't mark 24/7!) Due to the high demand of essay marking, no exceptions can be made. Sorry!
Yeah second this - We feel for you, we really do. Like, I think all the markers have been in your shoes. But if we make one exception, we make two, then five, then twenty, if you know what I mean. Like, I expect to spend about 45 minutes a day minimum marking from now until the HSC, and even that is a big chunk of time!
We can only do so much marking, so we have to prioritise somehow :)
That said, maybe post your essay as a new thread and ask for some feedback from your peers! Even if the mods don't get to it, nothing stopping one of the other many knowledgeable members from lending a hand :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 29, 2017, 02:32:20 am
Hi I was wondering if someone could have a look at my practise response for a exam question please
Hey! You know the drill - Comments in bold, take my non-WACE comments for what they are worth :)
Spoiler
Question 3 (20 marks)
Explain how Curtin constructs a sense of voice to convey family relationships in Text 3 and compare this representation with Text 1.
In both extracts from the short story Synapses by the American author, Amanda Curtin and the memory The invention of solitude by American author, Paul Auster the representation of family relationships are explored. However, the two texts differ in that the author of each text depict family relationships in differing ways. Good introduction - I'd like more detail on HOW they differ as well as a more explicit link to voice, to match the question.
In an extract of the short story ‘ Synapses’ by Australian author, Amanda Curtin, the author uses a variety of language conventions to construct the narrator’s voice. You've got an inconsistency - Is the author Australian or American? Either way, once you've said it in the intro no need to re-say it. The extract is written in what can described as a childish voice, although it seems somewhat mature at certain parts. Why the changes in these parts? The author's deliberate choice of simple diction conveys a relaxed and comfortable tone. This can be seen in the use of words such as ‘little’ and ‘pretty, which create the effect of the author portraying the thoughts of a innocent child. Good. The author utilises first person to describe the loving familial interactions between father and child such as when the father calmly and softly ‘withdrew the hook’ from the child’s hand to emphasise the child’s admiration and love for their father. This is sort of relying on the plot of the text a little much, rather than looking at how voice is created. The overall effect of the voice used in this extract is that of an young child sharing a memory of an everyday outing with their father, a simple yet significant interaction for the child. The use of this detail suggests the author is deliberately trying to appeal to the reader’s sense of connection and familiarity towards the significance of familial relationships. Solid paragraph, seems to answer the question well. I'd like more specifics on what EXACTLY the author is saying about family relationships. Good analysis of voice.
However, the extracts differ in that the short story Synapses by the American author, Amanda Curtin presents familial relationships in particular father and child relationships as of utmost importance to a young child whereas the invention of solitude by American author, Paul Auster presents familial relationships as somewhat irrelevant and unnecessary. Make sure titles are in quotes (or similar) for clarity. In an excerpt of the memoir ‘the invention of solitude by Paul Auster , the author uses a variety of language conventions to construct the author’s voice. You're saying the title way too much! Should only appear in full once. Auster’s use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘I was remarkably prepared to accept this death, in spite of its suddenness.’ constructs the narrator’s tone of detachment despite the knowledge of the author’s father being dead. The impact of crafting a tone of detachment in the author’s voice evokes a sense of shock by challenging the preconceived expectation of grief towards the death of a parent. Good. The author utilises first person to describe the author’s thoughts ‘I did not shed any tears, I did not feel as though the world had collapsed around’ to enhance the tone of detachment from the death of the author’s father in the author’s voice. Slightly awkward expression here. In addition, the use of first person narration in describing the author’s duty to ‘write about my father’ as simply a ‘an obligation’ further enhances the author’s voice and a tone of annoyance by the author’s nonchalant acceptance of his father’s death. How does first person narration contribute to this? Having a better technique here would be advantageous. The overall effect of the voice used in this extract is that of an emotionless son describing his thoughts about the death of his father as somewhat of a annoyance and a burden. This detail suggests the author lacks intimacy with his father and simply does not have a strong and founded relationship. Good - This is a better paragraph in terms of specific ideas about family, perhaps not as good on analysis of the voice.
Explain how Curtin constructs a sense of voice to convey family relationships in Text 3 and compare this representation with Text 1.
In both extracts from the short story Synapses by the American author, Amanda Curtin and the memory The invention of solitude by American author, Paul Auster the representation of family relationships are explored. However, the two texts differ in that the author of each text depict family relationships in differing ways. Good introduction - I'd like more detail on HOW they differ as well as a more explicit link to voice, to match the question.
In an extract of the short story ‘ Synapses’ by Australian author, Amanda Curtin, the author uses a variety of language conventions to construct the narrator’s voice. You've got an inconsistency - Is the author Australian or American? Either way, once you've said it in the intro no need to re-say it. The extract is written in what can described as a childish voice, although it seems somewhat mature at certain parts. Why the changes in these parts? The author's deliberate choice of simple diction conveys a relaxed and comfortable tone. This can be seen in the use of words such as ‘little’ and ‘pretty, which create the effect of the author portraying the thoughts of a innocent child. Good. The author utilises first person to describe the loving familial interactions between father and child such as when the father calmly and softly ‘withdrew the hook’ from the child’s hand to emphasise the child’s admiration and love for their father. This is sort of relying on the plot of the text a little much, rather than looking at how voice is created. The overall effect of the voice used in this extract is that of an young child sharing a memory of an everyday outing with their father, a simple yet significant interaction for the child. The use of this detail suggests the author is deliberately trying to appeal to the reader’s sense of connection and familiarity towards the significance of familial relationships. Solid paragraph, seems to answer the question well. I'd like more specifics on what EXACTLY the author is saying about family relationships. Good analysis of voice.
However, the extracts differ in that the short story Synapses by the American author, Amanda Curtin presents familial relationships in particular father and child relationships as of utmost importance to a young child whereas the invention of solitude by American author, Paul Auster presents familial relationships as somewhat irrelevant and unnecessary. Make sure titles are in quotes (or similar) for clarity. In an excerpt of the memoir ‘the invention of solitude by Paul Auster , the author uses a variety of language conventions to construct the author’s voice. You're saying the title way too much! Should only appear in full once. Auster’s use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘I was remarkably prepared to accept this death, in spite of its suddenness.’ constructs the narrator’s tone of detachment despite the knowledge of the author’s father being dead. The impact of crafting a tone of detachment in the author’s voice evokes a sense of shock by challenging the preconceived expectation of grief towards the death of a parent. Good. The author utilises first person to describe the author’s thoughts ‘I did not shed any tears, I did not feel as though the world had collapsed around’ to enhance the tone of detachment from the death of the author’s father in the author’s voice. Slightly awkward expression here. In addition, the use of first person narration in describing the author’s duty to ‘write about my father’ as simply a ‘an obligation’ further enhances the author’s voice and a tone of annoyance by the author’s nonchalant acceptance of his father’s death. How does first person narration contribute to this? Having a better technique here would be advantageous. The overall effect of the voice used in this extract is that of an emotionless son describing his thoughts about the death of his father as somewhat of a annoyance and a burden. This detail suggests the author lacks intimacy with his father and simply does not have a strong and founded relationship. Good - This is a better paragraph in terms of specific ideas about family, perhaps not as good on analysis of the voice.
Post by: theblackswan on September 29, 2017, 01:07:03 pm
Essay Q: In what ways is your appreciation of both texts enhanced by a comparative study of passion Mrs Dalloway and The Hours?
A comparative study of the intertextual connections has enhanced our understandings of how passion is realised through human experiences and serves as a catalyst for social change. Consequently, we are implored to appreciate the texts and the content shaped by their respective contexts. The emergence of individual passions can be prompted by the lack of experiences, due to social constraints. The desire to be liberated from these social constraints reverberate through all societies and can be seen as a passion expressed by humanity as a whole. Inspired by WW1 and the impact of its discord upon humanity, Virginia Woolf's modernist novel 'Mrs Dalloway' (1925) insightfully explores the passion driving desire for self – autonomy in women, the increased value of choice and an appreciation for life. Similarly, Stephen Daldry's post – modern film 'The Hours' (2002) enriches our appreciation for such creativity by revising their merits through three distinct time periods. Although both composers work to advertise the significance of passion in conjuring creativity, it is the intertextual connections which ultimately urges us to appreciate and acknowledge passion as the impetus behind social change.
Post by: Wales on October 01, 2017, 12:27:22 am
Thanks for the feedback! Can you have a quick look at my Mod A intro? Mod A is tricky because you have to add context and intertextual connections and whatnot so I have a full time job of not knowing what's going on. Thanks! Appreciate it (haha see what I did there)
Essay Q: In what ways is your appreciation of both texts enhanced by a comparative study of passion Mrs Dalloway and The Hours?
A comparative study of the intertextual connections has enhanced our understandings of how passion is realised through human experiences and serves as a catalyst for social change. Consequently, we are implored to appreciate the texts and the content shaped by their respective contexts. The emergence of individual passions can be prompted by the lack of experiences, due to social constraints. The desire to be liberated from these social constraints reverberate through all societies and can be seen as a passion expressed by humanity as a whole. Inspired by WW1 and the impact of its discord upon humanity, Virginia Woolf's modernist novel 'Mrs Dalloway' (1925) insightfully explores the passion driving desire for self – autonomy in women, the increased value of choice and an appreciation for life. Similarly, Stephen Daldry's post – modern film 'The Hours' (2002) enriches our appreciation for such creativity by revising their merits through three distinct time periods. Although both composers work to advertise the significance of passion in conjuring creativity, it is the intertextual connections which ultimately urges us to appreciate and acknowledge passion as the impetus behind social change.
I feel that you could elaborate and be more specific about your introduction when explaining the Hours. Maybe briefly state the connection between the two, how the shift in context extends to a more welcoming environment for women to strive for autonomy or something along those lines. Your sentence on The Hours is quite vague, I don't quite understand "such creativity". I like your final sentence, it addresses the question quite well. Your introduction is clear though, I get the 3 main points you'll write about further down. The only thing is the use of inclusive pronouns, I've been told to avoid that for English but it hasn't been a set rule. Doesn't detract from it's sophistication though!
Hope it helped! Feel free to cross-examine me at any point.
Post by: Wales on October 01, 2017, 12:29:20 am
To what extent is this sort of imagery integral to the view of life that Yeats presents in his poetry?
Through extensive critical study of Yeats’ poetry, it becomes clearly evident that part of its ability to continually engage with the reader is drawn from his use of natural imagery to express the value of life, a question universal to the human experience. Yeats’ treatment of natural and descriptive imagery within The Wild Swans at Coole and Easter 1916 allows for the universal appeal to a modernist audience while maintaining the structural integrity of romantic poetry. Easter 1916 contrasts sacrifice against the worth of life. Likewise, The Wild Swans at Coole engages the reader through a confronting presentation of the ageing process, mortality and life’s purpose. Both poems are a testament to the holistic nature of his works, illustrating the integral nature of his masterful use of imagery in constructing his view of life.
It is historically evident that all human beings are subjected to the life cycle of growth and decay. Yeats while acknowledging of the natural process attempts to explore life’s purpose as he reconciles the ageing process with his natural imagery. Yeats begins The Wild Swans at Coole with the natural metaphor “ the trees are in their autumn beauty” which establishes a tone of regret in response to aging. He expresses his sense of regret and unease with the natural imagery “the nineteenth autumn has come upon me” which reiterates the tension he holds between life and the afterlife through the romantic imagery of autumn. Furthermore, Yeats draws upon his experience as a mystic by juxtaposing the mythical allusion to the swans in “upon their clamorous wings” with the aging process in the motif of “autumn” where the “wings” symbolise Yeats’ jealousy towards the swans as they seem to be immortal. Yeats effectively uses natural imagery to communicate his cyclic view of life and further emphasises his sense of regret and unease towards the ageing process.
The cyclic nature of the soul is reflected throughout The Wild Swans at Coole and effectively contributes to helping the audience understand Yeats’ view of life. When Yeats is “hearing at twilight” he reflects upon his age and the aging process and feels that his “heart is sore” reinforcing his struggle to reconcile his acceptance of death. Yeats’ portrayal of the collective swans at Coole is a reminder of the vitality and youth he once experienced which he acknowledges by saying how he “trod with a lighter tread” which reiterates his struggling conflict with the natural aging process. The stark natural contrast of “but now they drift on the still water, mysterious, beautiful” is a reflective statement from Yeats as he envies the swans’ vitality and seeming immortality in comparison to his age and mortal existence. Yeats’ fear of age and above all death, is envisioned in the closing stanza through his questioning “ to find they have flown away?” which alludes to the cyclic nature of the world again and emphasising that how the previously immortal swans may also one day disappear. Throughout the composition of The Wild Swans At Coole, Yeats has attempted to reconcile his theories surrounding mortality and only accepts the possibility of death in the concluding line. Yeats’ numerous attempts to understand and accept the cyclic nature of life engages a wide viewership to the modern day as the integral nature of his imagery allows him to continually explore his perspective of life.
In direct contrast to The Wild Swans at Coole, Easter 1916 differs from the trend of solely using natural imagery and instead uses a mixture of both natural and descriptive imagery as well as violent language to assist in his attempts to reconcile the value of sacrifice. Yeats acknowledges that the sacrifice made by the rebels was one that prompted change through the anadiplosis of “All changed, changed utterly” which represents Yeats’ renewed perspective by praising for the rebels for their participation in the rebellion. Yeats further acknowledges that the rebellion was positive for Ireland holistically through the central paradox “ A terrible beauty is born” which illustrates Yeats’ conflicted view on the sacrifice. Yeats views it as a sacrifice that achieves an outcome of “beauty” however the process in attaining the beauty is “terrible” clearly alluding to the violent nature of the rebellion. Yeats continues to reconcile his tension between life and sacrifice through the natural metaphor “enchanted to a stone” which alludes to how Yeats believes that the legacy of the rebels is one they will take to their “stone” or grave. The stone reinforces the importance of the sacrifice as it represents the longevity of the marty’s actions and alludes to the idea of it being “set in stone” and a part of history that cannot be removed. Yeats’ consistent use of both natural and descriptive imagery allows him to effectively communicate his view on the value of human life and assists him in reconciling his tensions between sacrifice and life.
Yeats continues to reconcile the value of sacrifice when describing and acknowledging each of the participants in the rebellion. The eulogistic nature emphasises his indecisiveness on sacrifice of human life and is epitomised in his ambiguous description of Markievicz’ time spent as “ in ignorant good will” which presents Yeats’ interpretations of the rebellion, one of ignorance with the intent of doing good. Yeats’ questions the value of Markievicz’ sacrifice again with the rhetorical question “ when, young and beautiful, she rode to harriers?” where the sentimental imagery evokes a heightened emotional response from the reader as a result of the innocent image constructed by Yeats. Similarly, Yeats’ symbolic clouds in “a shadow of cloud on the stream changes minute by minute” asserts the notion that change in Ireland was inevitable and prompts Yeats to question the value of the sacrifice of the marty’s and whether the change would have been possible without sacrifice. Yeats further emphasises the passion solidified within the martyr's with the extended natural metaphor “stone of the heart” but juxtaposes it with the rhetorical question “o when may it suffice?” to further emphasise his still uncertain view on the rebellion as a whole. Yeats’ effective usage of both natural and descriptive imagery effectively allows him to convey his view on the value of human life while also reconciling the inherent worth of the sacrifice.
Yeats’ idiosyncratic portrayal of the political situation in Ireland reveals to the audience the true mutability of the human life. By sustaining ambiguity throughout his works Yeats’ poetry remains relevant regardless of context. Yeats evokes interest in the reader by using a blend of both natural and descriptive imagery, a direct result of his unique poetic style, one that dances between modernism and romanticism. Yeats’ masterful use of language allows him to emphasise the integral nature of imagery which is present throughout all his poetry.
Post by: _____ on October 01, 2017, 04:34:32 pm
1. Should I be so obvious in responding to the question in English? Should I use some other way of saying "engage the audience" or is it fine to keep repeating this so they know I'm considering the question?
2. I don't know why but it seemed appropriate to use verbs in the introduction for module B like "emphasising" as if I were talking about techniques. Should this be avoided?
3. Only one mention of textual integrity, does pointing out that it resonates with contemporary responders count or should I say textual integrity specifically?
Question:
Spoiler
Shakespeare’s Hamlet continues to engage audiences through its dramatic treatment of struggle and disillusionment.
In the light of your critical study, does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Hamlet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the play.
In the light of your critical study, does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Hamlet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the play.
Answer:
Spoiler
Shakespeare’s Hamlet portrays the struggle between chivalric duty and Renaissance-era morality. Therein, feudalistic concerns for honour pressure Hamlet to enact revenge, eventually leading to a genuine delusion. The prince is characterised as a philosophical humanist, reflecting disillusionment with the medieval social fabric of the Danish state. Ideological conflict accentuates Claudius’ regicide, his manipulative tendencies emphasising Hamlet’s morality and the corruption of the state in which the prince finds himself trapped. Through Hamlet’s perceptive characterisation in attempting to resolve the injustice and understand our mortality we are positioned to empathise with his struggle, Shakespeare’s portrayal of his quest enabling the drama to engage audiences through intricate characterisation, integral to the tragedy’s textual integrity.
From the first act Hamlet is positioned as utterly disillusioned with Claudius’ corruption and life in general through portrayal of a putrid, rotting society. The prince labels Denmark an “unweeded garden,” imagery emphasising Hamlet’s malcontent with the “speed[y]” marriage of his mother and his father’s death, disillusionment with Claudius’ control of Danish power structures elucidated through metaphor of Denmark as a “prison.” Moreover, Hamlet compares his father to “Hyperion,” saying he is “like the herald Mercury” while describing Claudius as a “satyr,” juxtaposition through mythological allusion highlighting the injustice of the king’s regicide. Indeed, Hamlet’s uncle is characterised as a repugnant villain, diction in labelling Hamlet’s grief “unmanly” illustrating the villain’s egotism. The prince labels him a “…treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain,” cumulative listing emphasising his malevolence and the prince’s discontent. The motif of decay continues as Claudius admits his offence “is rank” and “smells to heaven,” reinforcing the pervasive corruption of the king’s reign. Thus, Shakespeare explores a fundamental disillusionment with the powers-that-be, Hamlet’s grief engaging the audience as we are encouraged to empathise with his struggle.
While coming to terms with Claudius’ guilt, Hamlet finds himself forced to resolve the injustice as the son of the victim. The prince’s disillusionment with chivalric duty is reflected from the first meeting with the ghost, after which he laments “O cursed spite / That ever I was born to set it right.” Rhyming couplet expounds Hamlet’s humanist philosophy, as he curses the medieval customs which pressure him to enact revenge. Indeed, the ghost symbolises external pressures, demonstrating the conflicting forces the prince must reconcile. As the prince finds Claudius in prayer, he remarks “A villain kills my father, and, for that / I, his sole son, do this same villain send / To Heaven.” Parallelism of “father” and “son” emphasises the significance of filial duty in the Elizabethan era. However, Hamlet resists, ambivalent tone in “Now might I do it pat” denoting resistance to external expectations to avenge his father. We can trace the prince’s fall into genuine madness from this point forward, as he is overcome by the emotional anguish precipitated by his dilemma. Metaphoric comparison of a human being to “a rat” conveys the abandonment of Hamlet’s moral codes, as he kills Polonius in an errant display of irrationality. He later tries to excuse the murder to the victim’s son: “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.” Illeism contrasts starkly with prior usage of first person pronoun “I”, subversion denoting the tragic hero’s ultimate failure to reconcile humanist ideals with filial duty and his resulting downfall into genuine madness. Polysyndeton in “Sith I have cause and strength and will and means / To do’t” further reinforces Hamlet’s madness, as he is under armed guard and has no “means” of acting on his words. Hence, Shakespeare encourages the audience to empathise with the prince’s struggle, his tragic fall into delusion and untimely death continuing to resonate even with contemporary responders.
Moreover, Shakespeare encourages the audience to engage with Hamlet’s struggle through the prince’s insightful metaphysical analysis of our mortality, reflecting the Renaissance-era rejection of the traditional understanding of death. Indeed, metaphor of an “undiscovered country” delineates Hamlet’s willingness to question fundamental Christian notions of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. The tragic hero asks whether it would be better “To die, to sleep / To sleep, perchance to dream,” infinitive verb highlighting disillusionment with the corruption of the state and Claudius’ malevolence. Hamlet notes “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust,” allusion demonstrating a realisation that death is the ultimate leveller of all humans, rejecting the idea of an afterlife. Indeed, Hamlet’s epiphany foreshadows the violent catharsis, repetition of “dies” in stage direction conveying the blunt finality of death as Claudius faces the consequences of his regicide. Therefore, Hamlet’s insightfulness in the struggle to understand our mortality encourages the responder to side with the enigmatic prince, engaging the audience in Shakespeare’s exploration of regicidal greed.
In Hamlet, Shakespeare portrays a humanist misfit struggling for justice in a decaying Denmark. The prince’s perceptiveness expounds his disillusionment with the state and with flawed Christian notions of our mortality. Furthermore, Hamlet struggles to reconcile internal concerns for the morality of taking a human life with chivalric filial pressure to avenge his father, catalysing a genuine delusion which engages the audience to empathise with his fall from grace.
From the first act Hamlet is positioned as utterly disillusioned with Claudius’ corruption and life in general through portrayal of a putrid, rotting society. The prince labels Denmark an “unweeded garden,” imagery emphasising Hamlet’s malcontent with the “speed[y]” marriage of his mother and his father’s death, disillusionment with Claudius’ control of Danish power structures elucidated through metaphor of Denmark as a “prison.” Moreover, Hamlet compares his father to “Hyperion,” saying he is “like the herald Mercury” while describing Claudius as a “satyr,” juxtaposition through mythological allusion highlighting the injustice of the king’s regicide. Indeed, Hamlet’s uncle is characterised as a repugnant villain, diction in labelling Hamlet’s grief “unmanly” illustrating the villain’s egotism. The prince labels him a “…treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain,” cumulative listing emphasising his malevolence and the prince’s discontent. The motif of decay continues as Claudius admits his offence “is rank” and “smells to heaven,” reinforcing the pervasive corruption of the king’s reign. Thus, Shakespeare explores a fundamental disillusionment with the powers-that-be, Hamlet’s grief engaging the audience as we are encouraged to empathise with his struggle.
While coming to terms with Claudius’ guilt, Hamlet finds himself forced to resolve the injustice as the son of the victim. The prince’s disillusionment with chivalric duty is reflected from the first meeting with the ghost, after which he laments “O cursed spite / That ever I was born to set it right.” Rhyming couplet expounds Hamlet’s humanist philosophy, as he curses the medieval customs which pressure him to enact revenge. Indeed, the ghost symbolises external pressures, demonstrating the conflicting forces the prince must reconcile. As the prince finds Claudius in prayer, he remarks “A villain kills my father, and, for that / I, his sole son, do this same villain send / To Heaven.” Parallelism of “father” and “son” emphasises the significance of filial duty in the Elizabethan era. However, Hamlet resists, ambivalent tone in “Now might I do it pat” denoting resistance to external expectations to avenge his father. We can trace the prince’s fall into genuine madness from this point forward, as he is overcome by the emotional anguish precipitated by his dilemma. Metaphoric comparison of a human being to “a rat” conveys the abandonment of Hamlet’s moral codes, as he kills Polonius in an errant display of irrationality. He later tries to excuse the murder to the victim’s son: “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.” Illeism contrasts starkly with prior usage of first person pronoun “I”, subversion denoting the tragic hero’s ultimate failure to reconcile humanist ideals with filial duty and his resulting downfall into genuine madness. Polysyndeton in “Sith I have cause and strength and will and means / To do’t” further reinforces Hamlet’s madness, as he is under armed guard and has no “means” of acting on his words. Hence, Shakespeare encourages the audience to empathise with the prince’s struggle, his tragic fall into delusion and untimely death continuing to resonate even with contemporary responders.
Moreover, Shakespeare encourages the audience to engage with Hamlet’s struggle through the prince’s insightful metaphysical analysis of our mortality, reflecting the Renaissance-era rejection of the traditional understanding of death. Indeed, metaphor of an “undiscovered country” delineates Hamlet’s willingness to question fundamental Christian notions of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. The tragic hero asks whether it would be better “To die, to sleep / To sleep, perchance to dream,” infinitive verb highlighting disillusionment with the corruption of the state and Claudius’ malevolence. Hamlet notes “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust,” allusion demonstrating a realisation that death is the ultimate leveller of all humans, rejecting the idea of an afterlife. Indeed, Hamlet’s epiphany foreshadows the violent catharsis, repetition of “dies” in stage direction conveying the blunt finality of death as Claudius faces the consequences of his regicide. Therefore, Hamlet’s insightfulness in the struggle to understand our mortality encourages the responder to side with the enigmatic prince, engaging the audience in Shakespeare’s exploration of regicidal greed.
In Hamlet, Shakespeare portrays a humanist misfit struggling for justice in a decaying Denmark. The prince’s perceptiveness expounds his disillusionment with the state and with flawed Christian notions of our mortality. Furthermore, Hamlet struggles to reconcile internal concerns for the morality of taking a human life with chivalric filial pressure to avenge his father, catalysing a genuine delusion which engages the audience to empathise with his fall from grace.
Thanks!
Post by: Ciararonq on October 02, 2017, 05:22:15 pm
Question: Discoveries regardless of their type (personal, historical, social, intellectual or cultural) have the capacity to be transformative for the individual and/or broader society. Explore how this idea is represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related texts of your own choosing.
Discovery has a unique quality to transform an individual's ideals, attitudes and beliefs towards self and others. These ideas can stimulate an individual to develop new ideas and speculate about future possibilities, exemplified in Ernesto Guevara's novel , The Motorcycle Diaries, and John Keats poem, On First Looking into Chapman's Homer. It is evident within these texts that discovery can stimulate new ideas, being transformative for the individuals and for a broader society.
The experience of discovery may transform personal values because of the heightened emotional responses they evoke. In turn, this forces individuals to reconsider their understanding of values and norms. In Ernesto Guevara’s novel, The Motorcycle Diaries, his pursuit through Latin America confronts him with the true plight of the poverty stricken classes and the injustices which exist. The tactile and olfactory imagery presented in the quote, “The poor thing was in a pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet that filled the room”, highlights the empathy Guevara holds for the woman prompted by this confrontational experience as he witnesses the injustices that exist within the social system. Consequently, Guevara’s encounters with the indigenous people of Latin America catalyse his political awakening, sparking his revolutionary outlook and need for change. Guevara’s exaggeration of emotions is highlighted in the hyperbolic language and superlatives, “It is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for a change”. Such experiences with the injustices that face the Indigenous people of Latin America places an emphasis on the emotional nature of these encounters, revealing that these discoveries provoked Guevara to establish change. The emotive encounter with the woman triggered his consciousness as he was confronted by his own helplessness in the face of social inequity. The social injustices that Guevara internalised provoked a formation of his changed values and attitudes leading to his political and social awakening.
Similarly, John Keats’s poem, On First Looking into Chapman's Homer displays the provocative nature of reading Homer’s work. This experience results in an epiphany for Keats, who after being confronted with the amazement of his discovery is provoked by passion and zeal to write this poem. “Much have I travell’d in the realms of gold, and many goodly states and kingdoms seen”. The metaphor in ‘travell’d in the realms of gold’ implies Keats is well travelled in the literary world, using visual imagery of ‘gold and ‘kingdoms’ to suggest he has been exposed to the many treasures of literary culture and the importance that it has on his life. Keats experience of reading the work of ancient Greek author, Homer, transformed his outlook on the world of literature. This established his desire to devote his life to poetry, as he considers it the artist’s job to recreate moments of wonderment for all of wider society to enjoy. Filtered through his perspective, Keats believes the power of literature is immense and can have a far-reaching and transformative effect on society.
Discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful, triggering actions that are transformative for the individual and broader society. “Their stone block stand enigmatically, impervious to the ravages of time/ The gray stones grow tired of pleading...now they simply show an inanimate exhaustion”. The personification of the stone block applying emotive diction highlights Guevara’s awe for the cultural objects of the Inca race, serving as a metaphor for his admiration of the resilience of the Indigenous people in the face of exploitation and oppression conducted by the Spaniards. Such an emotive discovery facilitated by this cultural exposure results in an epiphany for Guevara as he considers new ideas and future possibilities. His discovery of their resilience and the courage exemplified by the Spanish conquistador’s guides him to the new idea of unifying the natives. Consequently, he believes a new Latin America can be established. Comparatively “Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes/ He star’d at the Pacific…” The use of simile likens Keats discovery to that of Hernan Cortes, the famed Spanish conquistador, who Keats believed discovered the Pacific for the Spanish. In turn, Keats proposes that his discovery of Chapman's’ Homer is comparable to discovering a new world, one of literature. ‘He star’d at the Pacific’, alludes to the potential discovery of a new trade route in the West Indies as discovered by Cortes, and is reflective of Keats’ vision of future possibilities after being exposed to this new world of literature. Keats accentuates the limitless worlds, ideas and future possibilities presented by literature. This discovery poses to him great potential not only in poetry but within himself to produce better works of literature. Hence, the ramification of particular discoveries can stimulate far-reaching ideas allowing individuals to speculate about future possibilities within themselves and the societies they inhabit.
Discoveries can facilitate a renewed understanding of people’s perception and the world around them. Consequently, the process of discovery has a significant influence on an individual’s sense of self. “The person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil”. The third person narrative distances Guevara’s previous, naive self, foreshadowing that discoveries he made led him to form a renewed perception of himself leading to his political and social transformation. Moreover the idiom presented in, “He grew increasingly aware of the pain of many others and allowed it to become a part of himself” foreshadows how Guevara’s understandings of the world acquired through associated social discovery of Latin America resulted in a renewed perception of himself. Through Guevara’s journey in Latin America, his encounters with the native people led him to reevaluate his understanding that the Indigenous people endure. These experiences acted as a catalyst for self-discovery, allowing Guevara to transform into the revolutionary the public remembers him by. Like Guevera, Keats feels reborn in the moment of his encounter with Chapman’s Homer. “Deep brow’d Homer...bards in fealty to Apollo hold”. Keats employs allusions to Greek literature, reflective of his renewed desire to become a great poet, after having been offered this new understanding of the power of poetry. Consequently, discovery can encompass an individual reevaluating their perception of themselves and others, ultimately leading to acts of change within themselves and a broader society.
Despite discoveries being intensely noteworthy in ways that are emotional, intellectual, cultural or spiritual, such experiences have a profound impact on an individual and a broader society. These encounters trigger a significant change on an individual's actions and perception of themselves, leading to a renewal of life and catalyse actions to establish change within the societies they inhabit. Indeed, it is evident through both texts that discovery has a unique nature to transform an individual’s pre-existing values and beliefs, in turn allowing individuals to establish change within themselves and a broader society.
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on October 02, 2017, 05:25:58 pm
Ciara Ronquillo
Question: Discoveries regardless of their type (personal, historical, social, intellectual or cultural) have the capacity to be transformative for the individual and/or broader society. Explore how this idea is represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related texts of your own choosing.
hey! not to rain on your parade, but you need 50 posts to have an essay marked by one of the markers here. your peers will mark it for you, if you'd like, but to have it looked over by a marker, it's 50 posts - sounds like a lot, but they do accumulate quickly!
Post by: lilivincent on October 03, 2017, 08:38:49 am
Post by: caitlinlddouglas on October 04, 2017, 06:30:21 pm
Hey! Sure thing, obviously can't do comments throughout so I'll pop my thoughts in dot points below:Hey thanks so much! I only just saw this, i posted the other photos on page 84 (it wouldn't let me post all of them at once) if you still wouldn't mind having a look at it? Thanks again :)
- First sentence is probably a taaad long, maybe break it up a little, pop a full stop after "environments" perhaps?
- Good introduction of texts in the intro, links them to their importance to context/values well
- I really like how you approach the macro-structure, the first paragraph on how personal connection is achieved is excellent. Nice change from the typical 'conceptual' structure, and I think it works well for the question. However, doing one paragraph on both texts, then separate paragraphs for them following that, does feel a tad awkward.
- Watch the length of your quotes - You'll obviously have less time than you used in the exam so you'll need to really cherry pick the important bits, make your quotes no more than a line wherever possible.
- The Atwood paragraph on politics isn't as good as the previous, it needs more techniques/analysis and less broad explanation - There's only one technique I can see. Good recognition of her personal and historical context, however!
Oh woops I think I'm missing a page on Lessing maybe! Could you check over the images and I'll finish the feedback when I get what is missing?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 04, 2017, 07:33:28 pm
Hey guys I really need some feedback on my MOD C Essay
Hey!! You'll need 50 posts on the forums to qualify for an essay marked, you can read the details here :)
Hey thanks so much! I only just saw this, i posted the other photos on page 84 (it wouldn't let me post all of them at once) if you still wouldn't mind having a look at it? Thanks again :)
Yep I saw those, but your first picture in the second set is a duplicate of the last picture in the first! :)
Post by: caitlinlddouglas on October 04, 2017, 09:06:39 pm
here is the missing photo,
Thanks heaps! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 04, 2017, 11:47:32 pm
hey so sorry about that jamon, don't want to waste your time!
here is the missing photo,
Thanks heaps! :)
All good, no worries at all! So comments on this last body paragraph:
- I like that you are combining multiple techniques into one analytical statement: Definitely elevates your response considerably!
- Be careful to actually link the technique to the effect on the audience, not just mention them in the process. What is the purpose of the juxtaposition? Why did the composer choose to include direct dialogue rather than just discuss the issue directly? What does the technique add?
Overall, your concepts are really really strong, but your analysis is slipping a tad as the essay goes on. Remember to constantly link techniques to their effect on the audience, and make sure to avoid more generic discussion of the speeches context/conceptual focus - It all needs to be based around those techniques ;D
It's a great response though Caitlin, and to a tough question - Good work ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 05, 2017, 12:26:09 am
I've taken a completely fresh and new approach to my Yeats essay and got it marked by my teacher and received a 15/20. Was wondering if anyone here could provide some quick feedback in time for Paper 2 :)
Sure can! :)
Spoiler
To what extent is this sort of imagery integral to the view of life that Yeats presents in his poetry?
Through extensive critical study of Yeats’ poetry, it becomes clearly evident that part of its ability to continually engage with the reader is drawn from his use of natural imagery to express the value of life, a question universal to the human experience. Nice Thesis! Covers a lot in a really succinct way. I assume the start of the question was about natural imagery? Yeats’ treatment of natural and descriptive imagery within The Wild Swans at Coole and Easter 1916 allows for the universal appeal to a modernist audience while maintaining the structural integrity of romantic poetry. Easter 1916 contrasts sacrifice against the worth of life. Likewise, The Wild Swans at Coole engages the reader through a confronting presentation of the ageing process, mortality and life’s purpose. How do these concepts relate to this idea of 'natural imagery?' Both poems are a testament to the holistic nature of his works, illustrating the integral nature of his masterful use of imagery in constructing his view of life. Really solid introduction overall!
It is historically evident that all human beings are subjected to the life cycle of growth and decay. It feels a bit strange to say 'historically evident' here without then presenting that evidence. Not that you'd need to, it's just a wording thing - Seems a bit of a false start for the marker. Yeats while acknowledging of the natural process attempts to explore life’s purpose as he reconciles the ageing process with his natural imagery. Need some commas to break that sentence up. Yeats begins The Wild Swans at Coole with the natural metaphor “ the trees are in their autumn beauty” which establishes a tone of regret in response to aging. He expresses his sense of regret and unease with the natural imagery “the nineteenth autumn has come upon me” which reiterates the tension he holds between life and the afterlife through the romantic imagery of autumn. This isn't the best example of imagery; you would need more descriptive language to substantiate that. You could perhaps include symbolism or perhaps even pathetic fallacy as an alternative? Furthermore, Yeats draws upon his experience as a mystic by juxtaposing the mythical allusion to the swans in “upon their clamorous wings” with the aging process in the motif of “autumn” where the “wings” symbolise Yeats’ jealousy towards the swans as they seem to be immortal. Again, need commas there to steer the audience through the various stages of that thought process. Yeats effectively uses natural imagery to communicate his cyclic view of life and further emphasises his sense of regret and unease towards the ageing process. Solid concept, good analysis - You've got fairly repetitive techniques here though (even with the necessary focus on imagery), good to have variety!
The cyclic nature of the soul is reflected throughout The Wild Swans at Coole and effectively contributes to helping the audience understand Yeats’ view of life. Slight issue with wording there, the cyclic nature of the soul isn't helping us understand Yeats view, the poem is! When Yeats is “hearing at twilight” he reflects upon his age and the aging process and feels that his “heart is sore” reinforcing his struggle to reconcile his acceptance of death. Techniques here? Yeats’ portrayal of the collective swans at Coole is a reminder of the vitality and youth he once experienced which he acknowledges by saying how he “trod with a lighter tread” which reiterates his struggling conflict with the natural aging process. Commas needed there - And techiques!The stark natural contrast of “but now they drift on the still water, mysterious, beautiful” is a reflective statement from Yeats as he envies the swans’ vitality and seeming immortality in comparison to his age and mortal existence. Good. Yeats’ fear of age and above all death, is envisioned in the closing stanza through his questioning “ to find they have flown away?” which alludes to the cyclic nature of the world again and emphasising that how the previously immortal swans may also one day disappear. Better analysis appearing in the second half of the paragraph. Throughout the composition of The Wild Swans At Coole, Yeats has attempted to reconcile his theories surrounding mortality and only accepts the possibility of death in the concluding line. Which is? You should quote it here. Yeats’ numerous attempts to understand and accept the cyclic nature of life engages a wide viewership to the modern day as the integral nature of his imagery allows him to continually explore his perspective of life. The analysis in this paragraph got better as it went on, the concept isn't quite as strong as the previous paragraph.
In direct contrast to The Wild Swans at Coole, Easter 1916 differs from the trend of solely using natural imagery and instead uses a mixture of both natural and descriptive imagery as well as violent language to assist in his attempts to reconcile the value of sacrifice. Natural/descriptive imagery need not be mutually exclusive - Natural is a subject, descriptive is - Well, any imagery really. Concept isn't quite right here. Yeats acknowledges that the sacrifice made by the rebels was one that prompted change through the anadiplosis of “All changed, changed utterly” which represents Yeats’ renewed perspective by praising for the rebels for their participation in the rebellion. Expression not quite right here, and a very text-focused analysis. Yeats further acknowledges that the rebellion was positive for Ireland holistically through the central paradox “ A terrible beauty is born” which illustrates Yeats’ conflicted view on the sacrifice. Still focusing on the subject matter rather than the concept! Yeats views it as a sacrifice that achieves an outcome of “beauty” however the process in attaining the beauty is “terrible” clearly alluding to the violent nature of the rebellion. Yeats continues to reconcile his tension between life and sacrifice through the natural metaphor “enchanted to a stone” which alludes to how Yeats believes that the legacy of the rebels is one they will take to their “stone” or grave. The stone reinforces the importance of the sacrifice as it represents the longevity of the marty’s actions and alludes to the idea of it being “set in stone” and a part of history that cannot be removed. Slightly more general here, but it still feels very rooted in the specific sacrifices made in the poem rather than sacrifice as a broader concept. Yeats’ consistent use of both natural and descriptive imagery allows him to effectively communicate his view on the value of human life and assists him in reconciling his tensions between sacrifice and life. Definitely not as strong as your prior paragraphs - The concept doesn't quite work, and you've got very text-focused analysis rather than conceptual.
Yeats continues to reconcile the value of sacrifice when describing and acknowledging each of the participants in the rebellion. The eulogistic nature emphasises his indecisiveness on sacrifice of human life and is epitomised in his ambiguous description of Markievicz’ time spent as “ in ignorant good will” which presents Yeats’ interpretations of the rebellion, one of ignorance with the intent of doing good. Very long sentence there, you'll probably need more commas at the start or perhaps to split in two. Yeats’ questions the value of Markievicz’ sacrifice again with the rhetorical question “ when, young and beautiful, she rode to harriers?” where the sentimental imagery evokes a heightened emotional response from the reader as a result of the innocent image constructed by Yeats. Good acknowledgement of audience impact. Similarly, Yeats’ symbolic clouds in “a shadow of cloud on the stream changes minute by minute” asserts the notion that change in Ireland was inevitable and prompts Yeats to question the value of the sacrifice of the marty’s and whether the change would have been possible without sacrifice. Still slightly text focused here.Yeats further emphasises the passion solidified within the martyr's with the extended natural metaphor “stone of the heart” but juxtaposes it with the rhetorical question “o when may it suffice?” to further emphasise his still uncertain view on the rebellion as a whole. Yeats’ effective usage of both natural and descriptive imagery effectively allows him to convey his view on the value of human life while also reconciling the inherent worth of the sacrifice. Better than the previous, but not as strong as the earlier two.
Yeats’ idiosyncratic portrayal of the political situation in Ireland reveals to the audience the true mutability of the human life. By sustaining ambiguity throughout his works Yeats’ poetry remains relevant regardless of context. Yeats evokes interest in the reader by using a blend of both natural and descriptive imagery, a direct result of his unique poetic style, one that dances between modernism and romanticism. Yeats’ masterful use of language allows him to emphasise the integral nature of imagery which is present throughout all his poetry.
Through extensive critical study of Yeats’ poetry, it becomes clearly evident that part of its ability to continually engage with the reader is drawn from his use of natural imagery to express the value of life, a question universal to the human experience. Nice Thesis! Covers a lot in a really succinct way. I assume the start of the question was about natural imagery? Yeats’ treatment of natural and descriptive imagery within The Wild Swans at Coole and Easter 1916 allows for the universal appeal to a modernist audience while maintaining the structural integrity of romantic poetry. Easter 1916 contrasts sacrifice against the worth of life. Likewise, The Wild Swans at Coole engages the reader through a confronting presentation of the ageing process, mortality and life’s purpose. How do these concepts relate to this idea of 'natural imagery?' Both poems are a testament to the holistic nature of his works, illustrating the integral nature of his masterful use of imagery in constructing his view of life. Really solid introduction overall!
It is historically evident that all human beings are subjected to the life cycle of growth and decay. It feels a bit strange to say 'historically evident' here without then presenting that evidence. Not that you'd need to, it's just a wording thing - Seems a bit of a false start for the marker. Yeats while acknowledging of the natural process attempts to explore life’s purpose as he reconciles the ageing process with his natural imagery. Need some commas to break that sentence up. Yeats begins The Wild Swans at Coole with the natural metaphor “ the trees are in their autumn beauty” which establishes a tone of regret in response to aging. He expresses his sense of regret and unease with the natural imagery “the nineteenth autumn has come upon me” which reiterates the tension he holds between life and the afterlife through the romantic imagery of autumn. This isn't the best example of imagery; you would need more descriptive language to substantiate that. You could perhaps include symbolism or perhaps even pathetic fallacy as an alternative? Furthermore, Yeats draws upon his experience as a mystic by juxtaposing the mythical allusion to the swans in “upon their clamorous wings” with the aging process in the motif of “autumn” where the “wings” symbolise Yeats’ jealousy towards the swans as they seem to be immortal. Again, need commas there to steer the audience through the various stages of that thought process. Yeats effectively uses natural imagery to communicate his cyclic view of life and further emphasises his sense of regret and unease towards the ageing process. Solid concept, good analysis - You've got fairly repetitive techniques here though (even with the necessary focus on imagery), good to have variety!
The cyclic nature of the soul is reflected throughout The Wild Swans at Coole and effectively contributes to helping the audience understand Yeats’ view of life. Slight issue with wording there, the cyclic nature of the soul isn't helping us understand Yeats view, the poem is! When Yeats is “hearing at twilight” he reflects upon his age and the aging process and feels that his “heart is sore” reinforcing his struggle to reconcile his acceptance of death. Techniques here? Yeats’ portrayal of the collective swans at Coole is a reminder of the vitality and youth he once experienced which he acknowledges by saying how he “trod with a lighter tread” which reiterates his struggling conflict with the natural aging process. Commas needed there - And techiques!The stark natural contrast of “but now they drift on the still water, mysterious, beautiful” is a reflective statement from Yeats as he envies the swans’ vitality and seeming immortality in comparison to his age and mortal existence. Good. Yeats’ fear of age and above all death, is envisioned in the closing stanza through his questioning “ to find they have flown away?” which alludes to the cyclic nature of the world again and emphasising that how the previously immortal swans may also one day disappear. Better analysis appearing in the second half of the paragraph. Throughout the composition of The Wild Swans At Coole, Yeats has attempted to reconcile his theories surrounding mortality and only accepts the possibility of death in the concluding line. Which is? You should quote it here. Yeats’ numerous attempts to understand and accept the cyclic nature of life engages a wide viewership to the modern day as the integral nature of his imagery allows him to continually explore his perspective of life. The analysis in this paragraph got better as it went on, the concept isn't quite as strong as the previous paragraph.
In direct contrast to The Wild Swans at Coole, Easter 1916 differs from the trend of solely using natural imagery and instead uses a mixture of both natural and descriptive imagery as well as violent language to assist in his attempts to reconcile the value of sacrifice. Natural/descriptive imagery need not be mutually exclusive - Natural is a subject, descriptive is - Well, any imagery really. Concept isn't quite right here. Yeats acknowledges that the sacrifice made by the rebels was one that prompted change through the anadiplosis of “All changed, changed utterly” which represents Yeats’ renewed perspective by praising for the rebels for their participation in the rebellion. Expression not quite right here, and a very text-focused analysis. Yeats further acknowledges that the rebellion was positive for Ireland holistically through the central paradox “ A terrible beauty is born” which illustrates Yeats’ conflicted view on the sacrifice. Still focusing on the subject matter rather than the concept! Yeats views it as a sacrifice that achieves an outcome of “beauty” however the process in attaining the beauty is “terrible” clearly alluding to the violent nature of the rebellion. Yeats continues to reconcile his tension between life and sacrifice through the natural metaphor “enchanted to a stone” which alludes to how Yeats believes that the legacy of the rebels is one they will take to their “stone” or grave. The stone reinforces the importance of the sacrifice as it represents the longevity of the marty’s actions and alludes to the idea of it being “set in stone” and a part of history that cannot be removed. Slightly more general here, but it still feels very rooted in the specific sacrifices made in the poem rather than sacrifice as a broader concept. Yeats’ consistent use of both natural and descriptive imagery allows him to effectively communicate his view on the value of human life and assists him in reconciling his tensions between sacrifice and life. Definitely not as strong as your prior paragraphs - The concept doesn't quite work, and you've got very text-focused analysis rather than conceptual.
Yeats continues to reconcile the value of sacrifice when describing and acknowledging each of the participants in the rebellion. The eulogistic nature emphasises his indecisiveness on sacrifice of human life and is epitomised in his ambiguous description of Markievicz’ time spent as “ in ignorant good will” which presents Yeats’ interpretations of the rebellion, one of ignorance with the intent of doing good. Very long sentence there, you'll probably need more commas at the start or perhaps to split in two. Yeats’ questions the value of Markievicz’ sacrifice again with the rhetorical question “ when, young and beautiful, she rode to harriers?” where the sentimental imagery evokes a heightened emotional response from the reader as a result of the innocent image constructed by Yeats. Good acknowledgement of audience impact. Similarly, Yeats’ symbolic clouds in “a shadow of cloud on the stream changes minute by minute” asserts the notion that change in Ireland was inevitable and prompts Yeats to question the value of the sacrifice of the marty’s and whether the change would have been possible without sacrifice. Still slightly text focused here.Yeats further emphasises the passion solidified within the martyr's with the extended natural metaphor “stone of the heart” but juxtaposes it with the rhetorical question “o when may it suffice?” to further emphasise his still uncertain view on the rebellion as a whole. Yeats’ effective usage of both natural and descriptive imagery effectively allows him to convey his view on the value of human life while also reconciling the inherent worth of the sacrifice. Better than the previous, but not as strong as the earlier two.
Yeats’ idiosyncratic portrayal of the political situation in Ireland reveals to the audience the true mutability of the human life. By sustaining ambiguity throughout his works Yeats’ poetry remains relevant regardless of context. Yeats evokes interest in the reader by using a blend of both natural and descriptive imagery, a direct result of his unique poetic style, one that dances between modernism and romanticism. Yeats’ masterful use of language allows him to emphasise the integral nature of imagery which is present throughout all his poetry.
In general, your earlier paragraphs are stronger than your latter. You slip into more textually focused analysis and the concepts don't make as much sense: You've shown what you can do in the first half and then sort of let it down in the second half.
As an easy thing - Commas. Commas. Commas. A few really long sentences that really need to be broken up properly to guide the reader - As soon as the marker needs to invest energy organising your ideas, that's a dent on the strength of your argument. From memory this is something that keeps popping up in your responses, I'd hate for 20/20 analysis to be held back on something like this - It's easy to work on! Just read over a long sentence you've just written, where you mentally pause - Add a comma, add a full stop, get your stuff organised!
In essence:
- Remove plot-focused elements from your pieces and focus on broader conceptual ideas presented to the audience. No settings, no characters - Just concepts presented through techniques.
- Imagery shouldn't be the concept, it is REPRESENTING the concept. The concept should stand alone and be properly developed as stand alone things; the imagery then just comes in as the main technique representing that concept.
- Tidy expression and organisation of ideas ;D
Post by: sidzeman on October 05, 2017, 01:10:23 pm
Edit: My elective is intertextual perspectives if that wasn't clear
Q. After comparing Metropolis and 1984 what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspective regarding to technology and revolution?
A comparative study of Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist film “Metropolis” and George Orwell’s dystopian novel “Nineteen Eighty-Four” (1984) both reveals the extent to which context shapes the perspectives inherent in both texts, and also elucidates new insights regarding technological oppression and the viability of revolutions. Both texts explore the contextual fear of technology used as a mechanism by governments to exploit the masses, due to the contextual issues of class struggle in the Weimar Republic and the rise of totalitarian regimes such as the Soviet Union. However, the texts have clashing intertextual perspectives regarding the viability of revolutions in addressing societal inequalities, as the bleakness of the WW2 era leads Orwell to represent revolutions as being ultimately futile. Thus, the comparison of the texts context and thus values allows for an in-depth understanding of the similarities and differences in their intertextual perspectives regarding technology and rebellions.
Both Lang and Orwell explore in their respective texts the use of technology to exploit the lower classes, and so enhances the audiences understanding of the double-edged nature of technology. In “Metropolis”, Fredersen applies technology in his industry to dehumanise the proletariats, as demonstrated through the low angle shot of the Moloch Machine, highlighting its power over the exhausted workers. However, the juxtaposition of these scenes to the above ground cities surreal scale reveals how Fredersen’s creation of an immense and futuristic city has stemmed from his use of technology as an enforcer of oppression of the workers. This dichotomous perspective of technology is a result of Lang’s context, where technology had both been used for destruction in WW1, and yet also was causative of the golden age of the Weimar Republic. The sharp contrast between Maria and her Robot counterpart also strengthens our understanding of technology as the pinnacle of human achievement, which yet can be a serious threat to societal rights if misused. While Maria is presented as pure and virginal, the religious allusion of the Whore of Babylon is used in reference to Robot Maria, an example of how technology can be used to corrupt. Thus, Lang demonstrates how technology can be utilised to oppress the masses to ensure the wealthy retain control.
However, Orwell presents a far deeper mistrust of technology and its ability to be manipulated by the state to maintain dictatorial rule, as demonstrated through his portrayal of the Party which removes individual liberty through constant surveillance. In his novel, the extensive use of the technology of the “telescreen” means citizens “can be seen as well as heard” at all times, leading them to be divorced from their own individuality as they must “live in the assumption that…every movement was scrutinised”. Furthermore, the telescreens are also constantly used for propaganda such as the “Two Minutes Hate”, similar to the anti-Semitic rallies by the Nazi Party, which are “impossible to avoid joining in”. The inability to resist such propaganda indicates the forced abandonment of independent thought in favour of the Party’s dogmas as a result of technological manipulation. Orwell’s much darker perspective on technology is a direct result of his witnessing of the nuclear bomb, the ultimate perversion of technology and its ability to be used to benefit society. Thus, Orwell expresses a much more serious concern for the advancement of technology, due to his recognition of its potential to subdue individual thought.
Lang portrays in his film the potential of an oppressed populous to resolve their exploitation through a rebellion. The mis-en-scene of Maria preaching to the workers reveals the ray of sunlight bathing Maria, contrasted to the otherwise darkened underground cavern, which symbolises her importance and thus grants her presentation of an egalitarian society greater credibility. Her message of class unity was reflective of the rising popularity of Marxist ideas in Germany at the time. The final shot of Freder clasping the hands of Grot and Fredersen, after the revolution is finished, completes the extended metaphor of “the mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart”, and is a visual representation of the formation of the Golden Age of the democratic Weimar Republic. Thus, Lang’s attests to the ability of revolutions to resolve societal issues in his film.
Contrastingly, Orwell presents an entirely different perspective on revolutions, portraying them as an unsuccessful answer in addressing the injustices of governments. He utilises the didactic device of Goldstein’s book, which states revolutionary’s simply “thrust the Low back into their old position of servitude” after their revolution is complete, as they only “pretend…that they are fighting for liberty and justice”. Through this, Orwell condemns revolutions as being hypocritical and impractical, as no meaningful change is created in society. This perspective of Orwell is drawn from the atrocities of the Soviet Union after coming to power, such as Stalin’s Great Purge. The verbatim repetition of “I betrayed you” and “All you care about is yourself” between Winston and Julia further consolidates the inevitable failure of revolutionaries, as does the final line of “He (Winston) loved Big Brother”, ending the novel on a bleak and hopeless tone. The stark differences in the texts resolutions is a result of their differing contexts and purpose. While Lang intended “Metropolis” to be a symbol of hope for society untainted by the greed of capitalists, Orwell’s purpose was to create a didactic dystopian novel which would serve as a warning of the insidious nature of socialism and the dangers of accepting such ideologies, after seeing a rise in cooperation with Stalin with the Tehran Conference. Thus, Orwell’s contrary portrayal of revolutions as being futile serves his intention of warning against the absolute control and corruption of totalitarian states.
A comparative analysis of Lang’s “Metropolis” and Orwell’s “1984” assists us on understanding the effect of their contexts on shaping the values of a text, and also illuminates both the unique qualities and similarities of the two texts. Both composers share similar perspectives on technology being utilised as a means by authoritarian regimes to enable their dictatorship, due to the parallels of technology modernisation allowing exploitation within their contexts. The disparities in the outcome of key revolutions in “Metropolis” and “1984”, with the rise of the Golden Age of the Weimar Republic and the hypocritical actions of the Soviet Union, thus leads the texts to portray differing perspectives on the viability of revolutions in addressing inequalities present in society.
Post by: armtistic on October 06, 2017, 12:13:32 pm
How do I use an integrated structure without being too shallow in analysis or linking whilst also fitting two texts into a single paragraph, given that I want to keep them under 300 words. Should I cut down on the number of textual evidences I use for each poem?
At the moment I'm struggling to fit just the topic sentence, link and analysis of quotes let alone critic input or my personal response to critics or the poem. Should I try and weave my personal response into linking sections or should I just leave it to the conclusion?
And would you recommend I replace a quote from the poem or something with a quote from a critic just to add a sense of broader reading?
Could someone define and give specific examples of the difference between structure and form and how I would insert them in my essay for Mod B Eliot, because I don't see how to provide textual evidence for a specific type of structure or form.
Also, is it weird to have this many poems in the essay? Does it detract from the depth of analysis?
Here's my generic essay, it isn't in response to any question.
T.S Eliot, a luminary of the Modernist era, captures, through his poetry, the zeitgeist of Western society plagued by existential uncertainty and loss of spiritualism in wake of industrialisation and the Great War. Throughout his oeuvre, Eliot experiments with abstract surrealism, fragmentation of textual form, stream-of-consciousness and subversion of traditional mediums to encapsulate the unprecedented changes brought about by rapid industrialisation, secularism and technological warfare on society’s outlook on purpose, existentialism, and human connection. Through “Preludes”, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, “The Hollow Men” and “The Journey of the Magi”, Eliot presents a cohesive and integrated portrait of the decay and alienation of humanity, the fear of nonconformity, and the quest for purpose in a world where the ‘modern man’ is merely a cesspool of lost agency and defunct spirituality/connection.
With accelerating industrialisation came the rise of urbanism and the suffocation of city life. The subsequent proximity, paradoxically, led to emotional detachment and a degrading loss of substance and human connection. In “Preludes”, Eliot presents four vignettes of the emotional sterility that urban society imparts upon the individual, mirroring our own societal fragmentation in the segregated structure. He assaults the senses through the cumulative imagery of dirt and decay in “sawdust-trampled street … muddy feet … dingy shades” to reflect the degradation of our own humanity and subsequently reinforces this barrage through enjambment of the entire stanza from “faint stale smells of beer […] to early coffee stands” to replicate, through the feverish meter, the rush from intoxicant to stimulant that encapsulates the desire to seek release from our lonely modern existences. The “conscience of a blackened street” allegorises the modern soul, symbolically “trampled” and “blackened” by our “muddy feet” as we ignore it and each other. Similarly, “Prufrock” explores the hollow niceties of the bourgeoisie; most evident in the recurring motif of tea which becomes an objective correlative for bourgeois vacuity as he contrasts the pleasantries of “tea and cakes and ices” against the imperative connotations of “crisis” to reinforce the modern preoccupation with meaningless rituals. Through the diacope “That is not what I meant at all;/ That is not it, at all.” Eliot captures the breakdown of communication in a vacuous, detached modern society and uses reverse zoomorphism in the harshly sibilant “I should have been a ragged pair of claws/ Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.” to illustrate the psychological deterioration and emotional detachment that results from prolonged alienation, leaving the victim crabby, hard-shelled and evasive. Hence, through a synthesis of structure and language forms across both poems, Eliot constructs a single, poignant voice decrying the loss of humanity in an increasingly mechanised society, allowing his works to resonate even today.
Drawing on personal fears of being left behind, with the radical evolution of liberalism and secularism, Eliot constructs a universal human narrative of the fear of independent action and nonconformity, giving his works their lasting impact. Prufrock’s titular character serves to embody the flailing psychological decline of those too occupied by their shortcomings. Eliot opens by describing the evening sky through the simile “Like a patient etherized upon a table” which, through oxymoronic imagery, acts as an objective correlative, triggering feelings of unconsciousness, vulnerability and confusion which reflects the emasculation of Western society during WWI. Eliot addresses this in Prufrock’s expulsion of angst through the stream-of-consciousness narrative - “How his hair is growing thin!”- culminating in the bathetic “Do I dare/Disturb the universe?” in a mockery of the modern man’s overemphasis on social customs, inflating it, in their hubris, to universal proportions. He reinforces these ideas through irregular line length in “Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,” which complements the tumultuous rhythm and comically pathetic tone of the stanza to emphasise the self-doubt and subsequent delirium that characterises those left metaphorically “pinned and wriggling” by indecision in light of social scrutiny. Likewise, Eliot’s “Hollow Men” represents a generation of young men that felt they had failed God and government and now “grope together/ And avoid speech”, unable to die as ‘heroes’ but too traumatised to reintegrate with society, “behaving as the wind behaves” as, unsupported, they submit to the whims of fate. Eliot furthers this through biblical allusion in the apostrophe “those who have crossed […] to death’s other Kingdom” in which he indicates that the ‘hollow men’ are trapped in a societal purgatory, forced to wear “such deliberate disguises” of psychological wellbeing to fit into society. They are represented symbolically by “the Shadow” which falls “Between the idea/ And the reality” as, likewise trapped between two extremities, they exist in a grey state of moral and social paralysis. Hence, Eliot’s encapsulation of the disorientation and abandonment of compassion and empathy in light of urbanism and warfare acts as a template for mankind’s response to change in any era, lending to the textual integrity of his oeuvre.
The gruesome realities of the Great War left the world disillusioned yet dulled. As Nietzsche’s “God is dead!” seemed to ring truer than ever, the world groped desperately for some sliver of meaning. Eliot begins with a paradox “We are the hollow men/ We are the stuffed men” employing the disembodied inclusive pronoun “we” as a collective condemnation of the “modern man” who has meekly succumbed to living a death-in-life role. The metrical pattern of the passage is the rhythmic equivalent of “paralysed force, gesture without motion”; evidenced in the contrast of the spiritual languor developed by the despondent tone of “quiet and meaningless” against the terseness of the lines which imply some conservation of energy or spirit. This remnant spirit is insufficient to prevent the spiritual collapse of society - mirrored in the truncation of the Lord’s Prayer “For Thine is/ Life is/ For Thine is the” - as all meaning is then dashed in the metaphorical depiction of faith as “prayers to broken stone”. The anthropomorphic “eyes”, a metonym for God, “are not here […] In this valley of dying stars”, a terrifying confirmation of God’s desertion of man, a belief prevalent in modern (and post-modern) society. In Magi, however, Eliot argues that purpose can be found, but only with great commitment. Eliot employs the mask of a Magus on an arduous pilgrimage, through the pathetic fallacy of “cities hostile and the towns unfriendly”, and our peers symbolised as “voices singing in our ears, saying/ That this was all folly”, to compile the universal obstacles one must overcome to find meaning in faith. Through Biblical allusion “this Birth was/Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death,” Eliot presents a paradox in that the Birth of Christ represents religious salvation, yet precipitates the Magi’s ostracism from their people, a living death. The enjambment of the lines depicts this structurally, as the end-stop following “our death.” embodies the Magi’s lives cut short. He encapsulates all this in the last stanza, a turbulent stream-of-consciousness of irregular line length and unorthodox syntax “but set down/This set down/ This:” to project the personal and spiritual chaos that religious transformation causes in a modern world where status is the new God. Thus, through a synergy of structure and tone, Eliot delivers a concentrated atmosphere of desperation as he captures the timeless clash of faith against nihilism.
Eliot, through deliberate choice of language, is able to convey to responders the population’s feelings of incompetence within a decaying Modernist setting, a society mired in decay, inaction and aimlessness. What he creates is an intimate and evocative journey for purpose when compassion and humanity are lost.
Post by: lizzygrech on October 06, 2017, 02:17:33 pm
2016 Section III Module C People and Politics
(20 marks)
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Politics, to a great extent, illustrates an ultimate loss of power of ordinary people. This perspective however, is reflected in the Revisionist novel, Why Weren’t We Told by Henry Reynolds but as well in the film, In The Name of the Father directed by Jim Sheridan. Both texts represent how in the face of politics, ordinary people can become powerless if there is lack of education. Through both texts, the composers aim to inform individuals of the manipulation used by governance and how political situations can restrict the freedom of ordinary people.
Politics dictates how a nation conducts themselves and influences what ordinary people see as just and right. As a result of such power, political ignorance is developed by individuals, usually as a result of little education and lack of public knowledge. This perspective is criticised in Reynold’s memoir Why Weren’t We Told. Reynold’s makes clear his purpose of enlightening Australia in the history of their settlement, with the aim of growth and reconciliation as a nation. Such powerlessness and ignorance is correlated to the absence of education and documentation of Australia’s past resulting in the subjection of the Aboriginal community and the rest of the country. Reynold’s makes this view evidently clear when he states “While Aborigines and Islanders kept alive their bitter history of loss and oppression, white North Queenslanders wished it buried and forgotten”. He uses a juxtaposition to bring attention to the White Australian lack of recognition of Indigenous oppression, further represented through the metaphor of ‘buried’. He implies that there is an unresolved problem as well as the guilt on behalf of ordinary Australian people who didn’t know better. Reynold’s also represents this helplessness when he states “The influence of the new historical writing on the High Court remains a contentious issue. But there can be no doubt that the Mabo judgement has changed the way the story of Australian colonisation must in future be told.”. His use of primary evidence plays an important role in enlightening the public to the impact of Australian politics. Henry Reynold’s illustrates through his revisionist novel the control that politics holds over the capacity and ability of the ordinary people, restricting access to public knowledge and growth.
Ordinary individuals are often caught in the midst of political acts and situations, often resulting in either shared or competing political perspectives. Within this, people are held powerless as knowledge is restricted to the public or manipulated in ways to benefit the government. This is evidently conveyed through Jim Sheridan’s film, In The Name of the Father. Sheridan represents the political situation of Catholic and Irish discrimination and the impact of the Terrorism act as corrupted. In the commencement of the film, Sheridan shows a mid-shot of Gerry and his father Gessapi. Gessapi states “go and live son, that’s the best advice I can give you”. However, this later becomes ironic as both men are placed in jail as a result of living their lives, unsuspecting of how powerless they’d really become. The powerless of the Irish and British public is represented in the torture scene. Sheridan uses a camera angle through the peephole of the integration room to communicate that the political situation was closed minded and hidden from public knowledge. Sheridan suggests that politics confine the power and freedom of individuals, this is communicated in the scene where they receive the truth and confession of the IRA bomber McAndrew’s. However, even with the truth resonating within the political system is was denied access to public with fear there would be consequences. He represents Gerry and his father as ordinary individuals caught in the middle of this political act. However, throughout the protesting scene, Sheridan communicates how powerful and significant individuals in the fight for change. As the fight intensifies through echoing diegetic sound of yelling and screaming, so is the liberation of Gerry as an ordinary and innocent man. Jim Sheridan suggests that mundane society is denied the whole truth due to the agenda of the ruling government, and as a result regular people are impacted.
Politicians often override the controversial voices of individuals with the intention of appeasing to the majority of individuals, aligning their shared political perspective to theirs. Reynold’s memoir is used as a voice for the voiceless, a source of power which aimed to highlight the oppression against Indigenous Australians and ultimately expose the deliberate white washing and assimilation of Aboriginals. Reynold’s explains himself that he basked once basked in everyday ignorance unware of the dark Australian past and made it his aim to restore power and liberation to the silenced Australians. In the beginning of his novel, Reynold’s makes clear his personal liberation and purpose, “It is a book of opinions. Many also find it opinionated. In my own defence I can say that my views are based on things I have seen and heard, as much as they are on reading and research...”. He uses the medium of print to defend himself through his control and power over his writing. In this case, he justifies and openly states his methods of persuasion and subjectivity. Ultimately expressing that he is being truthful and is not spurred by ulterior political motives beyond exposing the hidden truths of Australian history. “‘Called protector of Aborigines and arrangements for purchasing the lands of the Natives.’...it was like discovering a nugget of gold.” Reynolds finds evidence that goes against terra nullius. The simile indicates the importance and significance of this. He is able to demonstrate that Australian politics that disregards Indigenous is based off flaws and ignorance and thus doomed to fail. This juxtaposition highlights how restricting politics can be, removing power and liberation of individuals if not challenged.
With political perspectives being able to condescends the different values and beliefs ordinary people, individuals find themselves loosing power or actively attempting to regain it. Jim Sheridan expresses this viewpoint through his representation of Gerry the assumed terrorist. In the opening scenes of the film, the audience establishes a true sense of Gerry as he is represented as young, immature but harmless man with the soundtrack of Bob Dylan, an artist who appealed to the younger generations, plays throughout the scene. Gerry’s innocence is also amplified when he and Paul Hill meet the homeless man. They give the very last of the money without a second thought when the bomb goes off, once again Sheridan is expressing the absence of terrorism in Gerry. Suggesting that individuals are sometimes unfortunately caught between political agendas, thus taking away all power and control. This is seen in the trial scene of the film. The scene begins with a high shot of the Chief Judge lazily laying his feet on the desk with coffee in his hand, a smug and superior mannerism establishes how corrupted and manipulated politics can be for ordinary people. The long shot of the many people other than Gerry walking into the court room, represents just how impacting a superior political agenda can be for ordinary people with little to no power. Sheridan represents in the God father movie scene, just how ordinary individuals who have become powerless may carry out violent acts for their political mean. This is expressed through the low suspenseful music and diegetic intense slamming of the jail gates. However, the fight individuals partake in for the restoration of power, can often not be enough. Sheridan uses the symbolism of the fire raining down each side of the dark jail to illustrate that sometimes the world is really just unfair. It is clear to see that often these political acts have severe consequences and sometimes irreversible for the ordinary people of society, evidently represented through the death of Gessapi an innocent man.
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary and unsuspecting individuals. Both composers communicate the importance of public knowledge and further education in combating this helplessness. Without reflection or revising the known, change cannot occur. However, both composers also suggest that when facing seemingly impossible challenges, self liberation and empowerment can arise.
Post by: katie,rinos on October 06, 2017, 04:51:01 pm
Would you please be able to give me some feedback on a module C essay that I wrote?
It's probably one of my worst modules so all feedback is really appreciated.
Thanks so much! :)
Spoiler
2015 HSC-Module C
Experiences of landscape may be diverse, but the influence on identity is always profound.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Although, individuals may have differing experiences with a landscape, this will always have an enduring impact on their beliefs and values. Alain de Botton’s multi-modal philosophical text The Art of Travel focusses on the impact of travel on individuals in real, anticipated and remembered landscapes. In his chapter On Travelling Places, de Botton questions what makes a landscape such a valuable travel destination. Similarly, the chapter On Eye-Opening Art, conveys the differing representations of landscapes by Van Gogh, and how artworks have been able to impact future generations in engaging their imagination and motivating them to see a landscape. The poem, 10 Mary Street by Peter Skrzynecki expresses the real landscape of a migrant families home and how it has lasting childhood memories for the persona. Therefore, throughout both texts while experiences of the landscape are widely different, they have long lasting effects on an individual's identity.
Landscapes that we may perceive as insignificant and mundane may profoundly influence our identity. In the chapter, On travelling Places, de Botton questions the different value of landscapes while travelling. The stereotypical description of the landscape conveyed by ‘lush palmed fringed island that Baudelaire had dreamed of’ conveys the idealised initial perspective towards the landscape. The use of the inclusive pronoun ‘we’ expressed through “If we find poetry in the service station and motel… implicitly feel that these isolated places offer us a material setting for an alternative to selfish ease”, further portray how landscapes that may ordinarily be viewed as unimportant can have a significant impact on an individual. This is similarly conveyed through the emphasis on seemingly insignificant everyday objects in ‘coffee machine and magazines, tokens of small human desires and vanities’. The aphorism of ‘not necessarily at home that we best encounter our true selves’, reiterates how landscapes can have an impact on our identity and values. Hence, landscapes both anticipated and real can have a large impact on an individual's identity, values and beliefs.
Landscapes can have a large impact on our identity through the memories that we can associate with them. The poem, 10 Mary Street conveys the landscape of a migrant family in their home and their close connection to the house. The persona reflects on his childhood memories of the house and garden, inviting the audience to share his thoughts and emphasise with their position as migrants. The simile ‘like a well oiled lock’, reinforces the daily routine of the family. The symbolism in ‘still too-narrow bridge’ expresses the difficulties faced by the family in transitioning into their community. The parent’s strong connection to the garden is conveyed through the cumulative listing of ‘watered plants-grew potatoes/And rows of sweet corn’. This is similarly conveyed through the use of sibilance and continuation of garden imagery in ‘became citizens of the soil’. The simile ‘like a hungry bird’ and further hyperbole ‘bursting at the seams’ is contrasted to it’s prior listing. This emphasises how the persona initially gave little thought to the garden and doesn’t reciprocate his parent’s care for the landscape. The strong family connection and self-identity throughout the poem is very different to the experiences portrayed in de Botton’s text however still has an enduring impact on the beliefs and values of the personas.
Artworks and their representation of a landscape can influence individuals to travel which can further impact their identity. The representation of a landscape through the use of artworks is conveyed through de Botton's chapter On Eye-Opening Art. De Botton’s use of intertextuality contrasts the post-impressionist paintings of Van Gogh with their real landscapes to reinforce his ideas and convey how they were perceived differently. During de Botton’s travels, an Australian man exclaims ‘Well, it doesn’t look much like that’, when comparing the painting and landscapes of Gogh. This reinforces that there may be several different subjective interpretations of a landscape. This is similarly seen through the aphorism ‘world is complex enough for two realistic pictures of the same place to look very different’. The statement ‘tend to seek our corners of the world only once .. painted and written about by artists’, shows how artists can be influential in inspiring others to travel to a landscape. While interpretations of an environment may vary, they can have a significant impact on an individual’s values and beliefs.
Therefore, landscapes will always have an enduring impact on an individual's beliefs and values despite their diverse experiences. The chapter, On Travelling Places questions the value of landscapes while also reflecting on those we may find insignificant. The poem, 10 Mary Street conveys a man’s reflection of the strong connection he had with his childhood home and garden. Further, the chapter On Eye-Opening Art expresses how the representation of landscapes through artworks can inspire others to travel. Thus while we may have differing experiences of a landscape, it can invoke profound longlasting responses in an individual.
Experiences of landscape may be diverse, but the influence on identity is always profound.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Although, individuals may have differing experiences with a landscape, this will always have an enduring impact on their beliefs and values. Alain de Botton’s multi-modal philosophical text The Art of Travel focusses on the impact of travel on individuals in real, anticipated and remembered landscapes. In his chapter On Travelling Places, de Botton questions what makes a landscape such a valuable travel destination. Similarly, the chapter On Eye-Opening Art, conveys the differing representations of landscapes by Van Gogh, and how artworks have been able to impact future generations in engaging their imagination and motivating them to see a landscape. The poem, 10 Mary Street by Peter Skrzynecki expresses the real landscape of a migrant families home and how it has lasting childhood memories for the persona. Therefore, throughout both texts while experiences of the landscape are widely different, they have long lasting effects on an individual's identity.
Landscapes that we may perceive as insignificant and mundane may profoundly influence our identity. In the chapter, On travelling Places, de Botton questions the different value of landscapes while travelling. The stereotypical description of the landscape conveyed by ‘lush palmed fringed island that Baudelaire had dreamed of’ conveys the idealised initial perspective towards the landscape. The use of the inclusive pronoun ‘we’ expressed through “If we find poetry in the service station and motel… implicitly feel that these isolated places offer us a material setting for an alternative to selfish ease”, further portray how landscapes that may ordinarily be viewed as unimportant can have a significant impact on an individual. This is similarly conveyed through the emphasis on seemingly insignificant everyday objects in ‘coffee machine and magazines, tokens of small human desires and vanities’. The aphorism of ‘not necessarily at home that we best encounter our true selves’, reiterates how landscapes can have an impact on our identity and values. Hence, landscapes both anticipated and real can have a large impact on an individual's identity, values and beliefs.
Landscapes can have a large impact on our identity through the memories that we can associate with them. The poem, 10 Mary Street conveys the landscape of a migrant family in their home and their close connection to the house. The persona reflects on his childhood memories of the house and garden, inviting the audience to share his thoughts and emphasise with their position as migrants. The simile ‘like a well oiled lock’, reinforces the daily routine of the family. The symbolism in ‘still too-narrow bridge’ expresses the difficulties faced by the family in transitioning into their community. The parent’s strong connection to the garden is conveyed through the cumulative listing of ‘watered plants-grew potatoes/And rows of sweet corn’. This is similarly conveyed through the use of sibilance and continuation of garden imagery in ‘became citizens of the soil’. The simile ‘like a hungry bird’ and further hyperbole ‘bursting at the seams’ is contrasted to it’s prior listing. This emphasises how the persona initially gave little thought to the garden and doesn’t reciprocate his parent’s care for the landscape. The strong family connection and self-identity throughout the poem is very different to the experiences portrayed in de Botton’s text however still has an enduring impact on the beliefs and values of the personas.
Artworks and their representation of a landscape can influence individuals to travel which can further impact their identity. The representation of a landscape through the use of artworks is conveyed through de Botton's chapter On Eye-Opening Art. De Botton’s use of intertextuality contrasts the post-impressionist paintings of Van Gogh with their real landscapes to reinforce his ideas and convey how they were perceived differently. During de Botton’s travels, an Australian man exclaims ‘Well, it doesn’t look much like that’, when comparing the painting and landscapes of Gogh. This reinforces that there may be several different subjective interpretations of a landscape. This is similarly seen through the aphorism ‘world is complex enough for two realistic pictures of the same place to look very different’. The statement ‘tend to seek our corners of the world only once .. painted and written about by artists’, shows how artists can be influential in inspiring others to travel to a landscape. While interpretations of an environment may vary, they can have a significant impact on an individual’s values and beliefs.
Therefore, landscapes will always have an enduring impact on an individual's beliefs and values despite their diverse experiences. The chapter, On Travelling Places questions the value of landscapes while also reflecting on those we may find insignificant. The poem, 10 Mary Street conveys a man’s reflection of the strong connection he had with his childhood home and garden. Further, the chapter On Eye-Opening Art expresses how the representation of landscapes through artworks can inspire others to travel. Thus while we may have differing experiences of a landscape, it can invoke profound longlasting responses in an individual.
Post by: winstondarmawan on October 06, 2017, 06:50:25 pm
Spoiler
An examination of the intertextual connections between texts facilitates a deepened understanding of a composer’s values, which are represented different due to the dynamic nature of context. In particular focus, the reshaping of values such as integrity and humility in Shakespeare’s KRIII and Al Pacino’s LFR reveals the influence of religion and the Tudor myth in the representation of themes such as duplicity and the pursuit of power.
Topic Sentence 1 (Integrity):
General: Through a study of intertextual connections, a deepened understanding of the dehumanising effects of relinquishing one’s integrity in order to fulfil the insatiable lust for power is attained – despite the dynamic perspectives of the importance of integrity as context shifts.
Grounding (S): The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Hence, Shakespeare’s characterises Richard as the perfect Machiavellian villain, abandoning any notion of traditional Christian morality to maximise personal gain.
Grounding (P): Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard in LFR as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfil selfish motivations.
Evidence:
1. Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is established through Shakespeare's use of soliloquy. The opening soliloquy, in particular, reveals to the audience Richard’s “determination to prove a villain”, thus revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. Note: Relate to Edward if ‘relationships’
· Pacino re-enacts the opening soliloquy, utilising chiaroscuro lighting - a constrast of shadow and light - to emphasise the transgression of duplicitous nature through time, applicable to the 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”. The parallelism allows modern audiences to relate the motives of Richard to the self-made man.
2. Shakespeare further elucidates Richard’s innate lack of integrity through the Lady Anne scene, with Richard admitting “[he] will not keep her long”. The dramatic irony enables the audience to first hand witness Richard’s ease of manipulation and abuse of the Christian sacrament of marriage; his soul is so damaged and lacking in integrity that he does not stop to question his morals.
· The docudrama form allows for explanatory intermissions in Pacino’s reconstruction of Richard’s wooing of Anne. The sardonic intercut of “HA!” after Anne’s submission reflects the cunning nature of the tragic hero in his attempt to fulfil his political potential. Through this, modern audiences are alerted to the transcendence of manipulative individuals through time.
3. Shakespeare exaggerates Richard’s failure to maintain his shattered identity. In the climax, Richard’s deteriorated conscience is personified to “[have] a thousand separate tongues”. The “tongues”, a religious allusion to the Holy Spirit, perpetuate the degradation of Richard’s conscience under divine retribution – a core theocentric belief at the time.
· Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man, and ultimately assumes the identity of Richard himself. The pastiche of alternating cuts and shots blends the identity of actor and character – evoking empathy from modern audiences regarding the absence of integrity in the self-made man, as Pacino is very much so.
Topic sentence 2 (Humility): In disregarding a sense of humility, human nature prompts individuals to challenge authoritative figures and ideologies through foul tactics with intentions of asserting their own authority, this resulting in an immoral, condemnable identity.
Grounding (S): The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard to oppose it, warning audiences of the dangers of dismissing one’s sense of humility and thus their preordained destinies.
Grounding (P): Conversely, Pacino re-contextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the self-made man, urging audiences to empathise with Richard’s relinquishing of humility in his quest for domination.
Evidence:
1. Due to the Great Chain of Being - a religious hierarchy imposed upon Shakespeare’s theocentric society – Richard is physically characterised as ‘deformed, unfinished and half-made’. Through natural cause one is ordained their place in society, and despite being of regal blood, Richard is despised by the Elizabethan audience and granted minimal natural authority.
· Further affirming the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who intertextually alludes to Pacino’s role in The Godfather, referring to Richard as a “gangster”. Rather than undermining divine authority, Pacino challenges the authority of the government, allowing modern audiences to understand that despite changing times, that the corruption elicited by an absence of humility is still existent.
2. The theatrical medium of Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre prompted the use of dramatics, particularly Richard’s double-crossing of Buckingham. The Elizabethan audience is well are of the totalitarianism Richard exhibits, refusing to provide Buckingham with ‘Th’earldom of Hereford’. Yet, due to his illegitimacy in achieving this rule, Shakespeare’s audience is positioned to recognise Richard’s utmost absence of humility – willing to absolve ties with his closest allies to ensure the dominance of his authority.
· Rather, a 20th century focus on psychoanalysis introduced through the works of Sigmund Freud saw Pacino utilise the docudrama form, layering the voiceover “The emptiness of it…” to echo the dehumanising effects of the manipulation of authority and power on one’s conscience. However, contemporary audiences are positioned to find this ironic as Pacino himself frequently asserts his authority over other production and cast members, with Kimball remarking ‘You thinking you know more than any scholar in England is f*cking ridiculous!’.
3. Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s humility will lead to defeat. Richmond is aligned with the goodness of God, praying “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, representative of the theocentric ideology of the triumph of God against evil. Thus, Shakespeare exemplifies the importance of adhering to the Elizabethan ideologies of his time.
· Conversely, Richmond’s role in the defeat of Richard is minimised in Looking For Richard, his screen presence diminished to a couple of seconds. Rather, a postmodern cinematic focus on action-packed and battle is evident through the panning shots and the blood-stained filter. Through this, Pacino plays on the modern adage ‘All is fair in love and war’, reflecting of the postmodern understanding necessity to omit one’s humility in order to gain power. Yet, it is clear through Richard’s gruelling defeat that perhaps a sense of humility is necessary in facilitating a holistic human experience.
Topic Sentence 1 (Integrity):
General: Through a study of intertextual connections, a deepened understanding of the dehumanising effects of relinquishing one’s integrity in order to fulfil the insatiable lust for power is attained – despite the dynamic perspectives of the importance of integrity as context shifts.
Grounding (S): The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Hence, Shakespeare’s characterises Richard as the perfect Machiavellian villain, abandoning any notion of traditional Christian morality to maximise personal gain.
Grounding (P): Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard in LFR as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfil selfish motivations.
Evidence:
1. Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is established through Shakespeare's use of soliloquy. The opening soliloquy, in particular, reveals to the audience Richard’s “determination to prove a villain”, thus revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. Note: Relate to Edward if ‘relationships’
· Pacino re-enacts the opening soliloquy, utilising chiaroscuro lighting - a constrast of shadow and light - to emphasise the transgression of duplicitous nature through time, applicable to the 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”. The parallelism allows modern audiences to relate the motives of Richard to the self-made man.
2. Shakespeare further elucidates Richard’s innate lack of integrity through the Lady Anne scene, with Richard admitting “[he] will not keep her long”. The dramatic irony enables the audience to first hand witness Richard’s ease of manipulation and abuse of the Christian sacrament of marriage; his soul is so damaged and lacking in integrity that he does not stop to question his morals.
· The docudrama form allows for explanatory intermissions in Pacino’s reconstruction of Richard’s wooing of Anne. The sardonic intercut of “HA!” after Anne’s submission reflects the cunning nature of the tragic hero in his attempt to fulfil his political potential. Through this, modern audiences are alerted to the transcendence of manipulative individuals through time.
3. Shakespeare exaggerates Richard’s failure to maintain his shattered identity. In the climax, Richard’s deteriorated conscience is personified to “[have] a thousand separate tongues”. The “tongues”, a religious allusion to the Holy Spirit, perpetuate the degradation of Richard’s conscience under divine retribution – a core theocentric belief at the time.
· Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man, and ultimately assumes the identity of Richard himself. The pastiche of alternating cuts and shots blends the identity of actor and character – evoking empathy from modern audiences regarding the absence of integrity in the self-made man, as Pacino is very much so.
Topic sentence 2 (Humility): In disregarding a sense of humility, human nature prompts individuals to challenge authoritative figures and ideologies through foul tactics with intentions of asserting their own authority, this resulting in an immoral, condemnable identity.
Grounding (S): The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard to oppose it, warning audiences of the dangers of dismissing one’s sense of humility and thus their preordained destinies.
Grounding (P): Conversely, Pacino re-contextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the self-made man, urging audiences to empathise with Richard’s relinquishing of humility in his quest for domination.
Evidence:
1. Due to the Great Chain of Being - a religious hierarchy imposed upon Shakespeare’s theocentric society – Richard is physically characterised as ‘deformed, unfinished and half-made’. Through natural cause one is ordained their place in society, and despite being of regal blood, Richard is despised by the Elizabethan audience and granted minimal natural authority.
· Further affirming the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who intertextually alludes to Pacino’s role in The Godfather, referring to Richard as a “gangster”. Rather than undermining divine authority, Pacino challenges the authority of the government, allowing modern audiences to understand that despite changing times, that the corruption elicited by an absence of humility is still existent.
2. The theatrical medium of Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre prompted the use of dramatics, particularly Richard’s double-crossing of Buckingham. The Elizabethan audience is well are of the totalitarianism Richard exhibits, refusing to provide Buckingham with ‘Th’earldom of Hereford’. Yet, due to his illegitimacy in achieving this rule, Shakespeare’s audience is positioned to recognise Richard’s utmost absence of humility – willing to absolve ties with his closest allies to ensure the dominance of his authority.
· Rather, a 20th century focus on psychoanalysis introduced through the works of Sigmund Freud saw Pacino utilise the docudrama form, layering the voiceover “The emptiness of it…” to echo the dehumanising effects of the manipulation of authority and power on one’s conscience. However, contemporary audiences are positioned to find this ironic as Pacino himself frequently asserts his authority over other production and cast members, with Kimball remarking ‘You thinking you know more than any scholar in England is f*cking ridiculous!’.
3. Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s humility will lead to defeat. Richmond is aligned with the goodness of God, praying “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, representative of the theocentric ideology of the triumph of God against evil. Thus, Shakespeare exemplifies the importance of adhering to the Elizabethan ideologies of his time.
· Conversely, Richmond’s role in the defeat of Richard is minimised in Looking For Richard, his screen presence diminished to a couple of seconds. Rather, a postmodern cinematic focus on action-packed and battle is evident through the panning shots and the blood-stained filter. Through this, Pacino plays on the modern adage ‘All is fair in love and war’, reflecting of the postmodern understanding necessity to omit one’s humility in order to gain power. Yet, it is clear through Richard’s gruelling defeat that perhaps a sense of humility is necessary in facilitating a holistic human experience.
Thanks in advance!
EDIT: Just making sure I have enough posts to post another essay soon. Thank you!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2017, 01:38:24 am
Pretty generic essay, think it'll suit being moulded to other questions. Left it short so I have room to adapt. Concerns:
Hey! Happy to give you some comments on this ;D
Spoiler
Shakespeare’s Hamlet continues to engage audiences through its dramatic treatment of struggle and disillusionment.
In the light of your critical study, does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Hamlet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the play.
Shakespeare’s Hamlet portrays the struggle between chivalric duty and Renaissance-era morality. Good concept, I'd like you to explain it a little futher.Therein, feudalistic concerns for honour pressure Hamlet to enact revenge, eventually leading to a genuine delusion. Be careful you don't rely on the plot to portray your concepts too much. The prince is characterised as a philosophical humanist, reflecting disillusionment with the medieval social fabric of the Danish state. Ideological conflict accentuates Claudius’ regicide, his manipulative tendencies emphasising Hamlet’s morality and the corruption of the state in which the prince finds himself trapped. Through Hamlet’s perceptive characterisation in attempting to resolve the injustice and understand our mortality we are positioned to empathise with his struggle, Shakespeare’s portrayal of his quest enabling the drama to engage audiences through intricate characterisation, integral to the tragedy’s textual integrity. Perhaps delving a little too far into the characters and such for the introduction - But works well on the whole ;D
From the first act Hamlet is positioned as utterly disillusioned with Claudius’ corruption and life in general through portrayal of a putrid, rotting society. A character focused Thesis, not the most sophisticated approach possible but it does respond to the question nicely. Provided you analyse effectively, no dramas. The prince labels Denmark an “unweeded garden,” imagery emphasising Hamlet’s malcontent with the “speed[y]” marriage of his mother and his father’s death, disillusionment with Claudius’ control of Danish power structures elucidated through metaphor of Denmark as a “prison.” Remember to attribute techniques to Shakespeare - These characters are his puppets. Moreover, Hamlet compares his father to “Hyperion,” saying he is “like the herald Mercury” while describing Claudius as a “satyr,” juxtaposition through mythological allusion highlighting the injustice of the king’s regicide. Retell. Indeed, Hamlet’s uncle is characterised as a repugnant villain, diction in labelling Hamlet’s grief “unmanly” illustrating the villain’s egotism. The prince labels him a “…treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain,” cumulative listing emphasising his malevolence and the prince’s discontent. How do these ideas relate to discontent? The motif of decay continues as Claudius admits his offence “is rank” and “smells to heaven,” reinforcing the pervasive corruption of the king’s reign. Retell. Thus, Shakespeare explores a fundamental disillusionment with the powers-that-be, Hamlet’s grief engaging the audience as we are encouraged to empathise with his struggle. Great textual evidence, but a lot of textual retell. Shakespeare represents his characters in these ways - He deserves more attention! :)
While coming to terms with Claudius’ guilt, Hamlet finds himself forced to resolve the injustice as the son of the victim. Don't retell the plot - Marker has read it! No proper Thesis set up here either. The prince’s disillusionment with chivalric duty is reflected from the first meeting with the ghost, after which he laments “O cursed spite / That ever I was born to set it right.” Rhyming couplet expounds Hamlet’s humanist philosophy, as he curses the medieval customs which pressure him to enact revenge. As an easy way to improve flow, ensure quote and technique are always in the same sentence. Indeed, the ghost symbolises external pressures, demonstrating the conflicting forces the prince must reconcile. As the prince finds Claudius in prayer, he remarks “A villain kills my father, and, for that / I, his sole son, do this same villain send / To Heaven.” Parallelism of “father” and “son” emphasises the significance of filial duty in the Elizabethan era. Is this the idea of this paragraph? I'm not getting a clear concept, primarily because the introduction didn't give me one. However, Hamlet resists, ambivalent tone in “Now might I do it pat” denoting resistance to external expectations to avenge his father. We can trace the prince’s fall into genuine madness from this point forward, as he is overcome by the emotional anguish precipitated by his dilemma. Retell. Metaphoric comparison of a human being to “a rat” conveys the abandonment of Hamlet’s moral codes, as he kills Polonius in an errant display of irrationality. The plot element is irrelevant here - The metaphoric comparison (the TECHNIQUE) is the important bit. He later tries to excuse the murder to the victim’s son: “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.” Illeism contrasts starkly with prior usage of first person pronoun “I”, subversion denoting the tragic hero’s ultimate failure to reconcile humanist ideals with filial duty and his resulting downfall into genuine madness. Polysyndeton in “Sith I have cause and strength and will and means / To do’t” further reinforces Hamlet’s madness, as he is under armed guard and has no “means” of acting on his words. Hence, Shakespeare encourages the audience to empathise with the prince’s struggle, his tragic fall into delusion and untimely death continuing to resonate even with contemporary responders. Why does it resonate? Is it a universally relevant theme or is it the techniques? Again, fantastic paragraph for evidence/quotes but not the best for the quality of your arguments!!
Moreover, Shakespeare encourages the audience to engage with Hamlet’s struggle through the prince’s insightful metaphysical analysis of our mortality, reflecting the Renaissance-era rejection of the traditional understanding of death. This sentence highlights the issue of perspective - The prince is not offering a metaphysical analysis, Shakespear is doing that using the characters as puppets! Indeed, metaphor of an “undiscovered country” delineates Hamlet’s willingness to question fundamental Christian notions of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. How would this have impacted the predominantly Christian audience? The tragic hero asks whether it would be better “To die, to sleep / To sleep, perchance to dream,” infinitive verb highlighting disillusionment with the corruption of the state and Claudius’ malevolence. Retell. Hamlet notes “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust,” allusion demonstrating a realisation that death is the ultimate leveller of all humans, rejecting the idea of an afterlife. What is it alluding to? Indeed, Hamlet’s epiphany foreshadows the violent catharsis, repetition of “dies” in stage direction conveying the blunt finality of death as Claudius faces the consequences of his regicide. Therefore, Hamlet’s insightfulness in the struggle to understand our mortality encourages the responder to side with the enigmatic prince, engaging the audience in Shakespeare’s exploration of regicidal greed. Fantastic examples/quotes, but again, not really doing enough with them yet!
In Hamlet, Shakespeare portrays a humanist misfit struggling for justice in a decaying Denmark. The prince’s perceptiveness expounds his disillusionment with the state and with flawed Christian notions of our mortality. Furthermore, Hamlet struggles to reconcile internal concerns for the morality of taking a human life with chivalric filial pressure to avenge his father, catalysing a genuine delusion which engages the audience to empathise with his fall from grace.
In the light of your critical study, does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Hamlet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the play.
Shakespeare’s Hamlet portrays the struggle between chivalric duty and Renaissance-era morality. Good concept, I'd like you to explain it a little futher.Therein, feudalistic concerns for honour pressure Hamlet to enact revenge, eventually leading to a genuine delusion. Be careful you don't rely on the plot to portray your concepts too much. The prince is characterised as a philosophical humanist, reflecting disillusionment with the medieval social fabric of the Danish state. Ideological conflict accentuates Claudius’ regicide, his manipulative tendencies emphasising Hamlet’s morality and the corruption of the state in which the prince finds himself trapped. Through Hamlet’s perceptive characterisation in attempting to resolve the injustice and understand our mortality we are positioned to empathise with his struggle, Shakespeare’s portrayal of his quest enabling the drama to engage audiences through intricate characterisation, integral to the tragedy’s textual integrity. Perhaps delving a little too far into the characters and such for the introduction - But works well on the whole ;D
From the first act Hamlet is positioned as utterly disillusioned with Claudius’ corruption and life in general through portrayal of a putrid, rotting society. A character focused Thesis, not the most sophisticated approach possible but it does respond to the question nicely. Provided you analyse effectively, no dramas. The prince labels Denmark an “unweeded garden,” imagery emphasising Hamlet’s malcontent with the “speed[y]” marriage of his mother and his father’s death, disillusionment with Claudius’ control of Danish power structures elucidated through metaphor of Denmark as a “prison.” Remember to attribute techniques to Shakespeare - These characters are his puppets. Moreover, Hamlet compares his father to “Hyperion,” saying he is “like the herald Mercury” while describing Claudius as a “satyr,” juxtaposition through mythological allusion highlighting the injustice of the king’s regicide. Retell. Indeed, Hamlet’s uncle is characterised as a repugnant villain, diction in labelling Hamlet’s grief “unmanly” illustrating the villain’s egotism. The prince labels him a “…treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain,” cumulative listing emphasising his malevolence and the prince’s discontent. How do these ideas relate to discontent? The motif of decay continues as Claudius admits his offence “is rank” and “smells to heaven,” reinforcing the pervasive corruption of the king’s reign. Retell. Thus, Shakespeare explores a fundamental disillusionment with the powers-that-be, Hamlet’s grief engaging the audience as we are encouraged to empathise with his struggle. Great textual evidence, but a lot of textual retell. Shakespeare represents his characters in these ways - He deserves more attention! :)
While coming to terms with Claudius’ guilt, Hamlet finds himself forced to resolve the injustice as the son of the victim. Don't retell the plot - Marker has read it! No proper Thesis set up here either. The prince’s disillusionment with chivalric duty is reflected from the first meeting with the ghost, after which he laments “O cursed spite / That ever I was born to set it right.” Rhyming couplet expounds Hamlet’s humanist philosophy, as he curses the medieval customs which pressure him to enact revenge. As an easy way to improve flow, ensure quote and technique are always in the same sentence. Indeed, the ghost symbolises external pressures, demonstrating the conflicting forces the prince must reconcile. As the prince finds Claudius in prayer, he remarks “A villain kills my father, and, for that / I, his sole son, do this same villain send / To Heaven.” Parallelism of “father” and “son” emphasises the significance of filial duty in the Elizabethan era. Is this the idea of this paragraph? I'm not getting a clear concept, primarily because the introduction didn't give me one. However, Hamlet resists, ambivalent tone in “Now might I do it pat” denoting resistance to external expectations to avenge his father. We can trace the prince’s fall into genuine madness from this point forward, as he is overcome by the emotional anguish precipitated by his dilemma. Retell. Metaphoric comparison of a human being to “a rat” conveys the abandonment of Hamlet’s moral codes, as he kills Polonius in an errant display of irrationality. The plot element is irrelevant here - The metaphoric comparison (the TECHNIQUE) is the important bit. He later tries to excuse the murder to the victim’s son: “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.” Illeism contrasts starkly with prior usage of first person pronoun “I”, subversion denoting the tragic hero’s ultimate failure to reconcile humanist ideals with filial duty and his resulting downfall into genuine madness. Polysyndeton in “Sith I have cause and strength and will and means / To do’t” further reinforces Hamlet’s madness, as he is under armed guard and has no “means” of acting on his words. Hence, Shakespeare encourages the audience to empathise with the prince’s struggle, his tragic fall into delusion and untimely death continuing to resonate even with contemporary responders. Why does it resonate? Is it a universally relevant theme or is it the techniques? Again, fantastic paragraph for evidence/quotes but not the best for the quality of your arguments!!
Moreover, Shakespeare encourages the audience to engage with Hamlet’s struggle through the prince’s insightful metaphysical analysis of our mortality, reflecting the Renaissance-era rejection of the traditional understanding of death. This sentence highlights the issue of perspective - The prince is not offering a metaphysical analysis, Shakespear is doing that using the characters as puppets! Indeed, metaphor of an “undiscovered country” delineates Hamlet’s willingness to question fundamental Christian notions of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. How would this have impacted the predominantly Christian audience? The tragic hero asks whether it would be better “To die, to sleep / To sleep, perchance to dream,” infinitive verb highlighting disillusionment with the corruption of the state and Claudius’ malevolence. Retell. Hamlet notes “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust,” allusion demonstrating a realisation that death is the ultimate leveller of all humans, rejecting the idea of an afterlife. What is it alluding to? Indeed, Hamlet’s epiphany foreshadows the violent catharsis, repetition of “dies” in stage direction conveying the blunt finality of death as Claudius faces the consequences of his regicide. Therefore, Hamlet’s insightfulness in the struggle to understand our mortality encourages the responder to side with the enigmatic prince, engaging the audience in Shakespeare’s exploration of regicidal greed. Fantastic examples/quotes, but again, not really doing enough with them yet!
In Hamlet, Shakespeare portrays a humanist misfit struggling for justice in a decaying Denmark. The prince’s perceptiveness expounds his disillusionment with the state and with flawed Christian notions of our mortality. Furthermore, Hamlet struggles to reconcile internal concerns for the morality of taking a human life with chivalric filial pressure to avenge his father, catalysing a genuine delusion which engages the audience to empathise with his fall from grace.
In response to your questions:
Quote
1. Should I be so obvious in responding to the question in English? Should I use some other way of saying "engage the audience" or is it fine to keep repeating this so they know I'm considering the question?
It is okay to be blatant - But mixing it up is good too. Try and use a few different words instead of "engage" perhaps, if you are worried about it? :)
Quote
2. I don't know why but it seemed appropriate to use verbs in the introduction for module B like "emphasising" as if I were talking about techniques. Should this be avoided?
Nah that's okay - If you feel it works better roll with it, gut instinct is good instinct ;D
Quote
3. Only one mention of textual integrity, does pointing out that it resonates with contemporary responders count or should I say textual integrity specifically?
I actually didn't mention the idea literally in my essays and I always did fine - It's that the ideas are there that really counts ;D
Overall a solid essay, especially in terms of analysis, but analysis and concept are lacking! Ensure each paragraph gets a fully formed, standalone motherhood statement and conclusion, and remember for analysis:
TECHNIQUE
EXPLAIN WHAT IT IS COMMUNICATING
AUDIENCE RECEPTION/IMPACT
If you take a quote, identify the technique, link it to an idea then explain how that affects our perceptions - You've got all the pieces. Also remember that all techniques are attributed to Shakespeare and not the characters!!
Post by: _____ on October 07, 2017, 03:50:31 pm
Hey! Happy to give you some comments on this ;DSpoilerShakespeare’s Hamlet continues to engage audiences through its dramatic treatment of struggle and disillusionment.
In the light of your critical study, does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Hamlet?
In your response, make detailed reference to the play.
Shakespeare’s Hamlet portrays the struggle between chivalric duty and Renaissance-era morality. Good concept, I'd like you to explain it a little futher.Therein, feudalistic concerns for honour pressure Hamlet to enact revenge, eventually leading to a genuine delusion. Be careful you don't rely on the plot to portray your concepts too much. The prince is characterised as a philosophical humanist, reflecting disillusionment with the medieval social fabric of the Danish state. Ideological conflict accentuates Claudius’ regicide, his manipulative tendencies emphasising Hamlet’s morality and the corruption of the state in which the prince finds himself trapped. Through Hamlet’s perceptive characterisation in attempting to resolve the injustice and understand our mortality we are positioned to empathise with his struggle, Shakespeare’s portrayal of his quest enabling the drama to engage audiences through intricate characterisation, integral to the tragedy’s textual integrity. Perhaps delving a little too far into the characters and such for the introduction - But works well on the whole ;D
From the first act Hamlet is positioned as utterly disillusioned with Claudius’ corruption and life in general through portrayal of a putrid, rotting society. A character focused Thesis, not the most sophisticated approach possible but it does respond to the question nicely. Provided you analyse effectively, no dramas. The prince labels Denmark an “unweeded garden,” imagery emphasising Hamlet’s malcontent with the “speed[y]” marriage of his mother and his father’s death, disillusionment with Claudius’ control of Danish power structures elucidated through metaphor of Denmark as a “prison.” Remember to attribute techniques to Shakespeare - These characters are his puppets. Moreover, Hamlet compares his father to “Hyperion,” saying he is “like the herald Mercury” while describing Claudius as a “satyr,” juxtaposition through mythological allusion highlighting the injustice of the king’s regicide. Retell. Indeed, Hamlet’s uncle is characterised as a repugnant villain, diction in labelling Hamlet’s grief “unmanly” illustrating the villain’s egotism. The prince labels him a “…treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain,” cumulative listing emphasising his malevolence and the prince’s discontent. How do these ideas relate to discontent? The motif of decay continues as Claudius admits his offence “is rank” and “smells to heaven,” reinforcing the pervasive corruption of the king’s reign. Retell. Thus, Shakespeare explores a fundamental disillusionment with the powers-that-be, Hamlet’s grief engaging the audience as we are encouraged to empathise with his struggle. Great textual evidence, but a lot of textual retell. Shakespeare represents his characters in these ways - He deserves more attention! :)
While coming to terms with Claudius’ guilt, Hamlet finds himself forced to resolve the injustice as the son of the victim. Don't retell the plot - Marker has read it! No proper Thesis set up here either. The prince’s disillusionment with chivalric duty is reflected from the first meeting with the ghost, after which he laments “O cursed spite / That ever I was born to set it right.” Rhyming couplet expounds Hamlet’s humanist philosophy, as he curses the medieval customs which pressure him to enact revenge. As an easy way to improve flow, ensure quote and technique are always in the same sentence. Indeed, the ghost symbolises external pressures, demonstrating the conflicting forces the prince must reconcile. As the prince finds Claudius in prayer, he remarks “A villain kills my father, and, for that / I, his sole son, do this same villain send / To Heaven.” Parallelism of “father” and “son” emphasises the significance of filial duty in the Elizabethan era. Is this the idea of this paragraph? I'm not getting a clear concept, primarily because the introduction didn't give me one. However, Hamlet resists, ambivalent tone in “Now might I do it pat” denoting resistance to external expectations to avenge his father. We can trace the prince’s fall into genuine madness from this point forward, as he is overcome by the emotional anguish precipitated by his dilemma. Retell. Metaphoric comparison of a human being to “a rat” conveys the abandonment of Hamlet’s moral codes, as he kills Polonius in an errant display of irrationality. The plot element is irrelevant here - The metaphoric comparison (the TECHNIQUE) is the important bit. He later tries to excuse the murder to the victim’s son: “Was’t Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.” Illeism contrasts starkly with prior usage of first person pronoun “I”, subversion denoting the tragic hero’s ultimate failure to reconcile humanist ideals with filial duty and his resulting downfall into genuine madness. Polysyndeton in “Sith I have cause and strength and will and means / To do’t” further reinforces Hamlet’s madness, as he is under armed guard and has no “means” of acting on his words. Hence, Shakespeare encourages the audience to empathise with the prince’s struggle, his tragic fall into delusion and untimely death continuing to resonate even with contemporary responders. Why does it resonate? Is it a universally relevant theme or is it the techniques? Again, fantastic paragraph for evidence/quotes but not the best for the quality of your arguments!!
Moreover, Shakespeare encourages the audience to engage with Hamlet’s struggle through the prince’s insightful metaphysical analysis of our mortality, reflecting the Renaissance-era rejection of the traditional understanding of death. This sentence highlights the issue of perspective - The prince is not offering a metaphysical analysis, Shakespear is doing that using the characters as puppets! Indeed, metaphor of an “undiscovered country” delineates Hamlet’s willingness to question fundamental Christian notions of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. How would this have impacted the predominantly Christian audience? The tragic hero asks whether it would be better “To die, to sleep / To sleep, perchance to dream,” infinitive verb highlighting disillusionment with the corruption of the state and Claudius’ malevolence. Retell. Hamlet notes “Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust,” allusion demonstrating a realisation that death is the ultimate leveller of all humans, rejecting the idea of an afterlife. What is it alluding to? Indeed, Hamlet’s epiphany foreshadows the violent catharsis, repetition of “dies” in stage direction conveying the blunt finality of death as Claudius faces the consequences of his regicide. Therefore, Hamlet’s insightfulness in the struggle to understand our mortality encourages the responder to side with the enigmatic prince, engaging the audience in Shakespeare’s exploration of regicidal greed. Fantastic examples/quotes, but again, not really doing enough with them yet!
In Hamlet, Shakespeare portrays a humanist misfit struggling for justice in a decaying Denmark. The prince’s perceptiveness expounds his disillusionment with the state and with flawed Christian notions of our mortality. Furthermore, Hamlet struggles to reconcile internal concerns for the morality of taking a human life with chivalric filial pressure to avenge his father, catalysing a genuine delusion which engages the audience to empathise with his fall from grace.
In response to your questions:
It is okay to be blatant - But mixing it up is good too. Try and use a few different words instead of "engage" perhaps, if you are worried about it? :)
Nah that's okay - If you feel it works better roll with it, gut instinct is good instinct ;D
I actually didn't mention the idea literally in my essays and I always did fine - It's that the ideas are there that really counts ;D
Overall a solid essay, especially in terms of analysis, but analysis and concept are lacking! Ensure each paragraph gets a fully formed, standalone motherhood statement and conclusion, and remember for analysis:
TECHNIQUE
EXPLAIN WHAT IT IS COMMUNICATING
AUDIENCE RECEPTION/IMPACT
If you take a quote, identify the technique, link it to an idea then explain how that affects our perceptions - You've got all the pieces. Also remember that all techniques are attributed to Shakespeare and not the characters!!
Thanks a lot for the help!
Am I missing the point of module B? I was under the impression that a heap of textual detail and judgement of the characters was essential to demonstrate "an informed personal understanding of the text" from the prescriptions. So here:
We can trace the prince’s fall into genuine madness from this point forward, as he is overcome by the emotional anguish precipitated by his dilemma. Retell. Metaphoric comparison of a human being to “a rat” conveys the abandonment of Hamlet’s moral codes, as he kills Polonius in an errant display of irrationality. The plot element is irrelevant here - The metaphoric comparison (the TECHNIQUE) is the important bit
Do I need to qualify this fall into delusion before mentioning it, like saying Shakespeare discusses the fundamental tension between morality and duty or something? Or should I abandon it? I'm struggling to come up with better overarching themes without turning it into a module C essay (authorial intent) or a module A essay (context) :-\
Post by: sarahhamilton on October 08, 2017, 09:50:28 pm
This was my Trial question, so any feedback would be great!
Q: The value of a discovery is measured by its ability to challenge and shape views of ourselves. To what extent do you agree?
Spoiler
All individuals live in worlds that are impacted by their perspectives, beliefs, and discoveries. Each person’s view of themselves is shaped by discovery, and it can be extremely challenging in a society with restrictions. Feminist writers, Kate Chopin and Doris Lessing, wrote of the reality of women within a ruling patriarchy, and the challenging discoveries of self-identity and the value of their livelihood within strictly defined roles. The Awakening (1899) is a prose fiction piece by Chopin, which explores the cultural imprisonment and contextual domestic roles of women in the 19th Century. Lessing’s short story To Room Nineteen (1978) addresses traditional and redundant maternal roles, and questions their place in society. Both texts create a clear view of the unequal reality of housewives with a lack of independence, who crave their husband’s agency.
TA is representative of a fin de siècle woman’s search for her own identity. “If it wasn’t a mother’s place to look after children, whose, is it?” Edna’s rhetorical question emphasises domestic roles within her society. Edna’s awakenings are first triggered by crying after Léonce’s returns from Klein’s hotel. “The tears came so fast to Mrs. Pontellier, the damp sleeve of her peignoir no longer served to dry them… She could not have told why she was crying.” The allusion of ‘Mrs. Pontellier’, refers to the maternal role she plays. This trigger opens her mind to possibilities beyond motherhood; her housewife persona developing into one of an independent woman. While Léonce only see her as insane, Edna knows that she must discover who she is without restrictions. “I’m going to pull myself together for a while and think – try to determine what character of a woman I am”. This foreshadowing narrative displays Edna’s understanding of the condemnation she will face, and acts anyway. Edna transforms from a subservient Creole housewife, expected in historical context, into a woman that is not restricted by societal boundaries. Chopin herself questioned her identity during her "pursuit of independence apart from her children." She has acknowledged her writing was autobiographical.
In contrast, Lessing’s TRN, a representation of 1970’s women in the ongoing patriarchy, Susan is an independent, and intelligent woman, not obliged to conform to gender roles. This is illustrated in the couple’s equality: “both had well paid jobs … both, before they married had pleasant flats”. This differs from the traditional maternal role Susan coincides with once married, causing her discovery process to be delayed. Susan is unable to express her emotions due to her dominant intellectual ability and beliefs of the patriarchy. She is triggered by constant childbearing, and her decline as a mother, as her children grow up “…because she knew what happened to a woman of fifty, with grown-up children who no longer needed their full devotion”. This allegory is representative of woman in patriarchy, in which mothers becomes redundant. Susan discovers that her ideas, thoughts, and identity were stultified by the contextual expectations of society. The discovery of her identity emerges from her curiosity of what lives beyond motherhood, traditional gender roles and male dominance. Susan takes a room of her own to gain what little control she can. Her contentment is revealed in simple sentences: “she was free, she sat in the armchair, she simply sat. She closed her eyes and let herself be alone”. Through basic diction, and sibilant repetition followed by active verbs, it becomes apparent that Susan has evolved. Susan’s self-discovery, emerged from her deliberation, emphasises her struggle with the oppressive patriarchy, and her previously over valuing intellectual aspects of her identity.
Gender roles were an integral part of the society’s functioning, where woman were expected to be devoted housewives. Edna has allowed herself to gain power and allow her to uncover repressed desires and awaken her self-discovery. The ultimate meaningful fragment of Edna’s awakening was whilst swimming on her own for the first time. This revealing moment is demonstrated as a form of baptism: “she was like the little tottering, clutching child, who of a sudden realises its powers and walks for the first time alone.” The strong imagery of her as a child highlights how substantial this act is as a part of her awakening as an independent woman. This displays Edna’s relationship to the sea as a catalyst in her discovery. This romantic sensuality to the sea contrasts Edna’s sensual affair with Arobin. Despite the pleasure, Edna realises she is still just an object: it is after this sexual liberation that the sombre atmosphere of Edna’s death is set. The anaphora “He did not know; he did not understand; he would never understand” illustrates the process of her realisation of Léonce’s lack of empathy, and the finality of her decision; the reasoning for her suicide. Although Edna had found segments of her identity, she came to the final realisation that she would never be free from patriarchy, ending in her final act of emancipation.
In the 1970s, attitudes of sex began to change as society became more liberated due to advances in contraception. Yet, Susan chooses to abandon her sexual desires. This heavily contrasts Edna’s embrace of her desires. Susan’s decision is displayed in the collection of truncated sentences and rhetorical questions: “The idea made her want to cry from the sheer effort of the thing … Good lord, why make love at all?” The caesura and exclamatory ‘Good lord’ reveals Susan’s thoughts as she uncovers a revelation. She can avoid the effort of physical union by just withdrawing from it totally. This emphasises her realisation that to find herself, she must disassociate herself. Susan chooses suicide as she realises she will never escape oppression. Susan’s fate is depicted through the ominous: “because she did not want, today, to be surprised a knock at five o’clock.” The sentence structure of the violation of the word ‘today’ through the employment of caesuras, highlights that she will not awaken. Her death is symbolised in: “she was quite content lying there listening to the soft kiss of the gas that poured into the room, into her lungs, into her brain, as she drifted off.” The personified ‘gas’ becomes Susan’s final lover, macabrely setting her free. Comparably to Edna, Susan experiences the connection to water within her death, triggering a spiritual discovery. The drowning represents her suffering and it emphasises connotations of freedom and solitude, and escaping from society.
All individuals shape their views of their worlds and themselves through discoveries. The ability to challenge creates a more intense value to the discovery. The Awakening and To Room Nineteen present two women who wish to escape, and their challenging discoveries lead to consequences which negatively impacted their worlds, but gave them true freedom from their oppression.
TA is representative of a fin de siècle woman’s search for her own identity. “If it wasn’t a mother’s place to look after children, whose, is it?” Edna’s rhetorical question emphasises domestic roles within her society. Edna’s awakenings are first triggered by crying after Léonce’s returns from Klein’s hotel. “The tears came so fast to Mrs. Pontellier, the damp sleeve of her peignoir no longer served to dry them… She could not have told why she was crying.” The allusion of ‘Mrs. Pontellier’, refers to the maternal role she plays. This trigger opens her mind to possibilities beyond motherhood; her housewife persona developing into one of an independent woman. While Léonce only see her as insane, Edna knows that she must discover who she is without restrictions. “I’m going to pull myself together for a while and think – try to determine what character of a woman I am”. This foreshadowing narrative displays Edna’s understanding of the condemnation she will face, and acts anyway. Edna transforms from a subservient Creole housewife, expected in historical context, into a woman that is not restricted by societal boundaries. Chopin herself questioned her identity during her "pursuit of independence apart from her children." She has acknowledged her writing was autobiographical.
In contrast, Lessing’s TRN, a representation of 1970’s women in the ongoing patriarchy, Susan is an independent, and intelligent woman, not obliged to conform to gender roles. This is illustrated in the couple’s equality: “both had well paid jobs … both, before they married had pleasant flats”. This differs from the traditional maternal role Susan coincides with once married, causing her discovery process to be delayed. Susan is unable to express her emotions due to her dominant intellectual ability and beliefs of the patriarchy. She is triggered by constant childbearing, and her decline as a mother, as her children grow up “…because she knew what happened to a woman of fifty, with grown-up children who no longer needed their full devotion”. This allegory is representative of woman in patriarchy, in which mothers becomes redundant. Susan discovers that her ideas, thoughts, and identity were stultified by the contextual expectations of society. The discovery of her identity emerges from her curiosity of what lives beyond motherhood, traditional gender roles and male dominance. Susan takes a room of her own to gain what little control she can. Her contentment is revealed in simple sentences: “she was free, she sat in the armchair, she simply sat. She closed her eyes and let herself be alone”. Through basic diction, and sibilant repetition followed by active verbs, it becomes apparent that Susan has evolved. Susan’s self-discovery, emerged from her deliberation, emphasises her struggle with the oppressive patriarchy, and her previously over valuing intellectual aspects of her identity.
Gender roles were an integral part of the society’s functioning, where woman were expected to be devoted housewives. Edna has allowed herself to gain power and allow her to uncover repressed desires and awaken her self-discovery. The ultimate meaningful fragment of Edna’s awakening was whilst swimming on her own for the first time. This revealing moment is demonstrated as a form of baptism: “she was like the little tottering, clutching child, who of a sudden realises its powers and walks for the first time alone.” The strong imagery of her as a child highlights how substantial this act is as a part of her awakening as an independent woman. This displays Edna’s relationship to the sea as a catalyst in her discovery. This romantic sensuality to the sea contrasts Edna’s sensual affair with Arobin. Despite the pleasure, Edna realises she is still just an object: it is after this sexual liberation that the sombre atmosphere of Edna’s death is set. The anaphora “He did not know; he did not understand; he would never understand” illustrates the process of her realisation of Léonce’s lack of empathy, and the finality of her decision; the reasoning for her suicide. Although Edna had found segments of her identity, she came to the final realisation that she would never be free from patriarchy, ending in her final act of emancipation.
In the 1970s, attitudes of sex began to change as society became more liberated due to advances in contraception. Yet, Susan chooses to abandon her sexual desires. This heavily contrasts Edna’s embrace of her desires. Susan’s decision is displayed in the collection of truncated sentences and rhetorical questions: “The idea made her want to cry from the sheer effort of the thing … Good lord, why make love at all?” The caesura and exclamatory ‘Good lord’ reveals Susan’s thoughts as she uncovers a revelation. She can avoid the effort of physical union by just withdrawing from it totally. This emphasises her realisation that to find herself, she must disassociate herself. Susan chooses suicide as she realises she will never escape oppression. Susan’s fate is depicted through the ominous: “because she did not want, today, to be surprised a knock at five o’clock.” The sentence structure of the violation of the word ‘today’ through the employment of caesuras, highlights that she will not awaken. Her death is symbolised in: “she was quite content lying there listening to the soft kiss of the gas that poured into the room, into her lungs, into her brain, as she drifted off.” The personified ‘gas’ becomes Susan’s final lover, macabrely setting her free. Comparably to Edna, Susan experiences the connection to water within her death, triggering a spiritual discovery. The drowning represents her suffering and it emphasises connotations of freedom and solitude, and escaping from society.
All individuals shape their views of their worlds and themselves through discoveries. The ability to challenge creates a more intense value to the discovery. The Awakening and To Room Nineteen present two women who wish to escape, and their challenging discoveries lead to consequences which negatively impacted their worlds, but gave them true freedom from their oppression.
Post by: armtistic on October 09, 2017, 10:53:31 am
Hey, I know it's a bit late to be asking for some essay marking or revising, but I could definitely use the help! This is my Discovery essay: The Awakening by Kate Chopin and To Room Nineteen by Doris Lessing. Thanks!
This was my Trial question, so any feedback would be great!
Q: The value of a discovery is measured by its ability to challenge and shape views of ourselves. To what extent do you agree?SpoilerAll individuals live in worlds that are impacted by their perspectives, beliefs, and discoveries. Each person’s view of themselves is shaped by discovery, and it can be extremely challenging in a society with restrictions. Feminist writers, Kate Chopin and Doris Lessing, wrote of the reality of women within a ruling patriarchy, and the challenging discoveries of self-identity and the value of their livelihood within strictly defined roles. The Awakening (1899) is a prose fiction piece by Chopin, which explores the cultural imprisonment and contextual domestic roles of women in the 19th Century. Lessing’s short story To Room Nineteen (1978) addresses traditional and redundant maternal roles, and questions their place in society. Both texts create a clear view of the unequal reality of housewives with a lack of independence, who crave their husband’s agency.
TA is representative of a fin de siècle woman’s search for her own identity. “If it wasn’t a mother’s place to look after children, whose, is it?” Edna’s rhetorical question emphasises domestic roles within her society. Edna’s awakenings are first triggered by crying after Léonce’s returns from Klein’s hotel. “The tears came so fast to Mrs. Pontellier, the damp sleeve of her peignoir no longer served to dry them… She could not have told why she was crying.” The allusion of ‘Mrs. Pontellier’, refers to the maternal role she plays. This trigger opens her mind to possibilities beyond motherhood; her housewife persona developing into one of an independent woman. While Léonce only see her as insane, Edna knows that she must discover who she is without restrictions. “I’m going to pull myself together for a while and think – try to determine what character of a woman I am”. This foreshadowing narrative displays Edna’s understanding of the condemnation she will face, and acts anyway. Edna transforms from a subservient Creole housewife, expected in historical context, into a woman that is not restricted by societal boundaries. Chopin herself questioned her identity during her "pursuit of independence apart from her children." She has acknowledged her writing was autobiographical.
In contrast, Lessing’s TRN, a representation of 1970’s women in the ongoing patriarchy, Susan is an independent, and intelligent woman, not obliged to conform to gender roles. This is illustrated in the couple’s equality: “both had well paid jobs … both, before they married had pleasant flats”. This differs from the traditional maternal role Susan coincides with once married, causing her discovery process to be delayed. Susan is unable to express her emotions due to her dominant intellectual ability and beliefs of the patriarchy. She is triggered by constant childbearing, and her decline as a mother, as her children grow up “…because she knew what happened to a woman of fifty, with grown-up children who no longer needed their full devotion”. This allegory is representative of woman in patriarchy, in which mothers becomes redundant. Susan discovers that her ideas, thoughts, and identity were stultified by the contextual expectations of society. The discovery of her identity emerges from her curiosity of what lives beyond motherhood, traditional gender roles and male dominance. Susan takes a room of her own to gain what little control she can. Her contentment is revealed in simple sentences: “she was free, she sat in the armchair, she simply sat. She closed her eyes and let herself be alone”. Through basic diction, and sibilant repetition followed by active verbs, it becomes apparent that Susan has evolved. Susan’s self-discovery, emerged from her deliberation, emphasises her struggle with the oppressive patriarchy, and her previously over valuing intellectual aspects of her identity.
Gender roles were an integral part of the society’s functioning, where woman were expected to be devoted housewives. Edna has allowed herself to gain power and allow her to uncover repressed desires and awaken her self-discovery. The ultimate meaningful fragment of Edna’s awakening was whilst swimming on her own for the first time. This revealing moment is demonstrated as a form of baptism: “she was like the little tottering, clutching child, who of a sudden realises its powers and walks for the first time alone.” The strong imagery of her as a child highlights how substantial this act is as a part of her awakening as an independent woman. This displays Edna’s relationship to the sea as a catalyst in her discovery. This romantic sensuality to the sea contrasts Edna’s sensual affair with Arobin. Despite the pleasure, Edna realises she is still just an object: it is after this sexual liberation that the sombre atmosphere of Edna’s death is set. The anaphora “He did not know; he did not understand; he would never understand” illustrates the process of her realisation of Léonce’s lack of empathy, and the finality of her decision; the reasoning for her suicide. Although Edna had found segments of her identity, she came to the final realisation that she would never be free from patriarchy, ending in her final act of emancipation.
In the 1970s, attitudes of sex began to change as society became more liberated due to advances in contraception. Yet, Susan chooses to abandon her sexual desires. This heavily contrasts Edna’s embrace of her desires. Susan’s decision is displayed in the collection of truncated sentences and rhetorical questions: “The idea made her want to cry from the sheer effort of the thing … Good lord, why make love at all?” The caesura and exclamatory ‘Good lord’ reveals Susan’s thoughts as she uncovers a revelation. She can avoid the effort of physical union by just withdrawing from it totally. This emphasises her realisation that to find herself, she must disassociate herself. Susan chooses suicide as she realises she will never escape oppression. Susan’s fate is depicted through the ominous: “because she did not want, today, to be surprised a knock at five o’clock.” The sentence structure of the violation of the word ‘today’ through the employment of caesuras, highlights that she will not awaken. Her death is symbolised in: “she was quite content lying there listening to the soft kiss of the gas that poured into the room, into her lungs, into her brain, as she drifted off.” The personified ‘gas’ becomes Susan’s final lover, macabrely setting her free. Comparably to Edna, Susan experiences the connection to water within her death, triggering a spiritual discovery. The drowning represents her suffering and it emphasises connotations of freedom and solitude, and escaping from society.
All individuals shape their views of their worlds and themselves through discoveries. The ability to challenge creates a more intense value to the discovery. The Awakening and To Room Nineteen present two women who wish to escape, and their challenging discoveries lead to consequences which negatively impacted their worlds, but gave them true freedom from their oppression.
Not to be a bummer but you have to have 50 posts to get an essay marked atm
Post by: monicahiga on October 09, 2017, 09:48:02 pm
Post by: ben.roberts13 on October 10, 2017, 11:52:57 am
Just wondering if it would be possible to get some feedback and comments on my introduction and first body paragraph for a Module A Practice Essay Question. The question is:
Q) The text’s context has a profound impact on the values presented. Evaluate the accuracy of this statement by referencing your two texts (Looking for Richard by Al Pacino and King Richard III by William Shakespeare).
This is the intro and first body paragraph including both Looking for Richard and Richard III
A)
Composers, and their appreciation of both their context and their textual media are able to better present relevant values of deceit and evil that their characters represent. Richard III, written by William Shakespeare, uses his understanding of the audience’s contextual knowledge of deformity and family to further promote his representation of the ideas of manipulation and evil that Richard’s rise to power showcases. This representation aids in his expression of personal messages of politically relevant concepts, like Machiavelli politics and the Divine Right of Kings. Looking for Richard, a Mockumentary about Richard III by Al Pacino, re-embodies these particular themes by developing a text that appreciates its own audiences alternate contextual understandings, which allows them to better appreciate and connect with values of deceit and evil. While reinforcing Shakespeare’s messages about Elizabethan concepts, Pacino also creates his own, revealing his view on modern-day politics and its manipulation and contempt of the people they govern.
The textual value of evil used to attain power in Richard III is reimagined in Looking for Richard, with their respective contexts having an insightful effect on its representation. Shakespeare represents King Richard as an evil figure to an Elizabethan audience by highlighting the negative impact his actions have on other characters. This is shown by Queen Elizabeth in Act 4 Scene 1, when she says ““Pity, you ancient stones, those tender babes whom envy hath immured within your walls” Personification of stones and tower reveals her mental struggles and shortcomings, caused by Richard’s unchecked pursuit of power fuelled by his evil nature. Juxtaposition between hardness of stones and soft babies further heightens his evil against the innocence of the people he rules. Shakespeare couples this with the implementation of contextual values of deformity to further present the concept of evil in Richard III. This is shown during his opening soliloquy in Act 1 Scene 1, when he says in reference to himself “Deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Shakespeare manipulates audience’s knowledge of Elizabethan values of deformity and its close relation to evil to magnify and promote Richard’s immorality. Shakespeare chooses to represent Richard as an malevolent character to reveal his messages about Machiavelli politics, outlined in the contextually relevant novel “The Prince”. By developing a character that represents themes of Machiavelli leadership, his evilness and eventual downfall allude to audiences of his personal awareness and more importantly his rejection of Machiavellian politics and its concepts.
Pacino re-represents this evilness of King Richard by using modern-day contextual film techniques that better resonate with the audience. This allows a greater connection from a very alternate audience to that of Elizabethan Shakespeare, and a more effective presentation of values such as evil. The use of dark costuming and lighting toward King Richard develops audiences view of his malevolent and wicked nature. The use of high camera angles on Richard throughout many of the play performances symbolise his power and authority, attained through evil, sinful actions. Pacino reinforces Shakespeare’s messages of Machiavelli politics, but also develops his own about the corruption and evil manipulation of modern-day politics, alluding to how malevolent personalities causes “those in power to have total contempt for everything they promise, everything they pledge” as Redgrave describes during the Mockumentary. By appreciating their respective contexts and the knowledge they present, Pacino and Shakespeare have a more profound effect on exposing the value of evil through Richard’s rise to power.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2017, 03:01:34 pm
Hey, I have a bunch of questions about my Mod B essay so here goes nothing.
Here's my generic essay, it isn't in response to any question.
Hey! Comments in bold throughout, and I'll answer your questions below:
Spoiler
T.S Eliot, a luminary of the Modernist era, captures, through his poetry, the zeitgeist of Western society plagued by existential uncertainty and loss of spiritualism in wake of industrialisation and the Great War. Throughout his oeuvre, Eliot experiments with abstract surrealism, fragmentation of textual form, stream-of-consciousness and subversion of traditional mediums to encapsulate the unprecedented changes brought about by rapid industrialisation, secularism and technological warfare on society’s outlook on purpose, existentialism, and human connection. Through “Preludes”, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, “The Hollow Men” and “The Journey of the Magi”, Eliot presents a cohesive and integrated portrait of the decay and alienation of humanity, the fear of nonconformity, and the quest for purpose in a world where the ‘modern man’ is merely a cesspool of lost agency and defunct spirituality/connection. Good introduction! Expresses its point well - Hard to comment on its effectiveness on any real level without a question but it seems well prepared to be adapted to any question.
With accelerating industrialisation came the rise of urbanism and the suffocation of city life. The subsequent proximity, paradoxically, led to emotional detachment and a degrading loss of substance and human connection. Try to frame your topic sentences as things that Eliot is trying to show to the audience, rather than just saying "This is what happened," without sort of linking it to what the composer is trying to do. In “Preludes”, Eliot presents four vignettes of the emotional sterility that urban society imparts upon the individual, mirroring our own societal fragmentation in the segregated structure. He assaults the senses through the cumulative imagery of dirt and decay in “sawdust-trampled street … muddy feet … dingy shades” to reflect the degradation of our own humanity and subsequently reinforces this barrage through enjambment of the entire stanza from “faint stale smells of beer […] to early coffee stands” to replicate, through the feverish meter, the rush from intoxicant to stimulant that encapsulates the desire to seek release from our lonely modern existences. Fantastic analysis in there, but that sentence was way too long. Break it up for clarity. The “conscience of a blackened street” allegorises the modern soul, symbolically “trampled” and “blackened” by our “muddy feet” as we ignore it and each other. Similarly, “Prufrock” explores the hollow niceties of the bourgeoisie; most evident in the recurring motif of tea which becomes an objective correlative for bourgeois vacuity as he contrasts the pleasantries of “tea and cakes and ices” against the imperative connotations of “crisis” to reinforce the modern preoccupation with meaningless rituals. Ditto here, you are presenting some really great ideas but the expression isn't quite doing it justice, you are trying to cram too much in at once. Through the diacope “That is not what I meant at all;/ That is not it, at all.” Eliot captures the breakdown of communication in a vacuous, detached modern society and uses reverse zoomorphism in the harshly sibilant “I should have been a ragged pair of claws/ Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.” to illustrate the psychological deterioration and emotional detachment that results from prolonged alienation, leaving the victim crabby, hard-shelled and evasive. I love that you are able to cram so many quotes and techniques into such a short space though, excellent work on the amount of textual evidence you are including. Hence, through a synthesis of structure and language forms across both poems, Eliot constructs a single, poignant voice decrying the loss of humanity in an increasingly mechanised society, allowing his works to resonate even today. This conclusion doesn't quite match with your introduction, have you made the point you set out to make?
Drawing on personal fears of being left behind, with the radical evolution of liberalism and secularism, Eliot constructs a universal human narrative of the fear of independent action and nonconformity, giving his works their lasting impact. Great intro. Prufrock’s titular character serves to embody the flailing psychological decline of those too occupied by their shortcomings. Eliot opens by describing the evening sky through the simile “Like a patient etherized upon a table” which, through oxymoronic imagery, acts as an objective correlative, triggering feelings of unconsciousness, vulnerability and confusion which reflects the emasculation of Western society during WWI. Great nod to contextual aspects here. Eliot addresses this in Prufrock’s expulsion of angst through the stream-of-consciousness narrative - “How his hair is growing thin!”- culminating in the bathetic “Do I dare/Disturb the universe?” in a mockery of the modern man’s overemphasis on social customs, inflating it, in their hubris, to universal proportions. He reinforces these ideas through irregular line length in “Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,” which complements the tumultuous rhythm and comically pathetic tone of the stanza to emphasise the self-doubt and subsequent delirium that characterises those left metaphorically “pinned and wriggling” by indecision in light of social scrutiny. Brilliant - The expression in this paragraph is better, stops at just the right spot. Likewise, Eliot’s “Hollow Men” represents a generation of young men that felt they had failed God and government and now “grope together/ And avoid speech”, unable to die as ‘heroes’ but too traumatised to reintegrate with society, “behaving as the wind behaves” as, unsupported, they submit to the whims of fate. Eliot furthers this through biblical allusion in the apostrophe “those who have crossed […] to death’s other Kingdom” in which he indicates that the ‘hollow men’ are trapped in a societal purgatory, forced to wear “such deliberate disguises” of psychological wellbeing to fit into society. What would the impact of this biblical allusion be on, particularly, a religious reader? They are represented symbolically by “the Shadow” which falls “Between the idea/ And the reality” as, likewise trapped between two extremities, they exist in a grey state of moral and social paralysis. Hence, Eliot’s encapsulation of the disorientation and abandonment of compassion and empathy in light of urbanism and warfare acts as a template for mankind’s response to change in any era, lending to the textual integrity of his oeuvre. Really fantastic paragraph here - I think the concepts could be a little clearer at times, really hone in on this idea of disconnection and don't stray too far from it, but on the whole really fantastic stuff.
The gruesome realities of the Great War left the world disillusioned yet dulled. As Nietzsche’s “God is dead!” seemed to ring truer than ever, the world groped desperately for some sliver of meaning. Not really a Thesis and not really an academic tone here - Reads more like a creative writing personal essay/opinion piece, keep things academic and give your concept immediately and in a straightforward way. Eliot begins with a paradox “We are the hollow men/ We are the stuffed men” employing the disembodied inclusive pronoun “we” as a collective condemnation of the “modern man” who has meekly succumbed to living a death-in-life role. The metrical pattern of the passage is the rhythmic equivalent of “paralysed force, gesture without motion”; evidenced in the contrast of the spiritual languor developed by the despondent tone of “quiet and meaningless” against the terseness of the lines which imply some conservation of energy or spirit. Need a few commas there to break that thought up a bit. This remnant spirit is insufficient to prevent the spiritual collapse of society - mirrored in the truncation of the Lord’s Prayer “For Thine is/ Life is/ For Thine is the” - as all meaning is then dashed in the metaphorical depiction of faith as “prayers to broken stone”. The anthropomorphic “eyes”, a metonym for God, “are not here […] In this valley of dying stars”, a terrifying confirmation of God’s desertion of man, a belief prevalent in modern (and post-modern) society. Good. In Magi, however, Eliot argues that purpose can be found, but only with great commitment. Eliot employs the mask of a Magus on an arduous pilgrimage, through the pathetic fallacy of “cities hostile and the towns unfriendly”, and our peers symbolised as “voices singing in our ears, saying/ That this was all folly”, to compile the universal obstacles one must overcome to find meaning in faith. Through Biblical allusion “this Birth was/Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death,” Eliot presents a paradox in that the Birth of Christ represents religious salvation, yet precipitates the Magi’s ostracism from their people, a living death. Really interesting ideas being proposed in this paragraph. The enjambment of the lines depicts this structurally, as the end-stop following “our death.” embodies the Magi’s lives cut short. He encapsulates all this in the last stanza, a turbulent stream-of-consciousness of irregular line length and unorthodox syntax “but set down/This set down/ This:” to project the personal and spiritual chaos that religious transformation causes in a modern world where status is the new God. Thus, through a synergy of structure and tone, Eliot delivers a concentrated atmosphere of desperation as he captures the timeless clash of faith against nihilism. Really brilliant paragraph analytically and conceptually, it is purely the introduction that fails to establish a conceptual direction to tie everything together.
Eliot, through deliberate choice of language, is able to convey to responders the population’s feelings of incompetence within a decaying Modernist setting, a society mired in decay, inaction and aimlessness. What he creates is an intimate and evocative journey for purpose when compassion and humanity are lost. Great, punchy conclusion - Does the job nicely. You could add a bit on textual integrity to better address the module.
With accelerating industrialisation came the rise of urbanism and the suffocation of city life. The subsequent proximity, paradoxically, led to emotional detachment and a degrading loss of substance and human connection. Try to frame your topic sentences as things that Eliot is trying to show to the audience, rather than just saying "This is what happened," without sort of linking it to what the composer is trying to do. In “Preludes”, Eliot presents four vignettes of the emotional sterility that urban society imparts upon the individual, mirroring our own societal fragmentation in the segregated structure. He assaults the senses through the cumulative imagery of dirt and decay in “sawdust-trampled street … muddy feet … dingy shades” to reflect the degradation of our own humanity and subsequently reinforces this barrage through enjambment of the entire stanza from “faint stale smells of beer […] to early coffee stands” to replicate, through the feverish meter, the rush from intoxicant to stimulant that encapsulates the desire to seek release from our lonely modern existences. Fantastic analysis in there, but that sentence was way too long. Break it up for clarity. The “conscience of a blackened street” allegorises the modern soul, symbolically “trampled” and “blackened” by our “muddy feet” as we ignore it and each other. Similarly, “Prufrock” explores the hollow niceties of the bourgeoisie; most evident in the recurring motif of tea which becomes an objective correlative for bourgeois vacuity as he contrasts the pleasantries of “tea and cakes and ices” against the imperative connotations of “crisis” to reinforce the modern preoccupation with meaningless rituals. Ditto here, you are presenting some really great ideas but the expression isn't quite doing it justice, you are trying to cram too much in at once. Through the diacope “That is not what I meant at all;/ That is not it, at all.” Eliot captures the breakdown of communication in a vacuous, detached modern society and uses reverse zoomorphism in the harshly sibilant “I should have been a ragged pair of claws/ Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.” to illustrate the psychological deterioration and emotional detachment that results from prolonged alienation, leaving the victim crabby, hard-shelled and evasive. I love that you are able to cram so many quotes and techniques into such a short space though, excellent work on the amount of textual evidence you are including. Hence, through a synthesis of structure and language forms across both poems, Eliot constructs a single, poignant voice decrying the loss of humanity in an increasingly mechanised society, allowing his works to resonate even today. This conclusion doesn't quite match with your introduction, have you made the point you set out to make?
Drawing on personal fears of being left behind, with the radical evolution of liberalism and secularism, Eliot constructs a universal human narrative of the fear of independent action and nonconformity, giving his works their lasting impact. Great intro. Prufrock’s titular character serves to embody the flailing psychological decline of those too occupied by their shortcomings. Eliot opens by describing the evening sky through the simile “Like a patient etherized upon a table” which, through oxymoronic imagery, acts as an objective correlative, triggering feelings of unconsciousness, vulnerability and confusion which reflects the emasculation of Western society during WWI. Great nod to contextual aspects here. Eliot addresses this in Prufrock’s expulsion of angst through the stream-of-consciousness narrative - “How his hair is growing thin!”- culminating in the bathetic “Do I dare/Disturb the universe?” in a mockery of the modern man’s overemphasis on social customs, inflating it, in their hubris, to universal proportions. He reinforces these ideas through irregular line length in “Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,” which complements the tumultuous rhythm and comically pathetic tone of the stanza to emphasise the self-doubt and subsequent delirium that characterises those left metaphorically “pinned and wriggling” by indecision in light of social scrutiny. Brilliant - The expression in this paragraph is better, stops at just the right spot. Likewise, Eliot’s “Hollow Men” represents a generation of young men that felt they had failed God and government and now “grope together/ And avoid speech”, unable to die as ‘heroes’ but too traumatised to reintegrate with society, “behaving as the wind behaves” as, unsupported, they submit to the whims of fate. Eliot furthers this through biblical allusion in the apostrophe “those who have crossed […] to death’s other Kingdom” in which he indicates that the ‘hollow men’ are trapped in a societal purgatory, forced to wear “such deliberate disguises” of psychological wellbeing to fit into society. What would the impact of this biblical allusion be on, particularly, a religious reader? They are represented symbolically by “the Shadow” which falls “Between the idea/ And the reality” as, likewise trapped between two extremities, they exist in a grey state of moral and social paralysis. Hence, Eliot’s encapsulation of the disorientation and abandonment of compassion and empathy in light of urbanism and warfare acts as a template for mankind’s response to change in any era, lending to the textual integrity of his oeuvre. Really fantastic paragraph here - I think the concepts could be a little clearer at times, really hone in on this idea of disconnection and don't stray too far from it, but on the whole really fantastic stuff.
The gruesome realities of the Great War left the world disillusioned yet dulled. As Nietzsche’s “God is dead!” seemed to ring truer than ever, the world groped desperately for some sliver of meaning. Not really a Thesis and not really an academic tone here - Reads more like a creative writing personal essay/opinion piece, keep things academic and give your concept immediately and in a straightforward way. Eliot begins with a paradox “We are the hollow men/ We are the stuffed men” employing the disembodied inclusive pronoun “we” as a collective condemnation of the “modern man” who has meekly succumbed to living a death-in-life role. The metrical pattern of the passage is the rhythmic equivalent of “paralysed force, gesture without motion”; evidenced in the contrast of the spiritual languor developed by the despondent tone of “quiet and meaningless” against the terseness of the lines which imply some conservation of energy or spirit. Need a few commas there to break that thought up a bit. This remnant spirit is insufficient to prevent the spiritual collapse of society - mirrored in the truncation of the Lord’s Prayer “For Thine is/ Life is/ For Thine is the” - as all meaning is then dashed in the metaphorical depiction of faith as “prayers to broken stone”. The anthropomorphic “eyes”, a metonym for God, “are not here […] In this valley of dying stars”, a terrifying confirmation of God’s desertion of man, a belief prevalent in modern (and post-modern) society. Good. In Magi, however, Eliot argues that purpose can be found, but only with great commitment. Eliot employs the mask of a Magus on an arduous pilgrimage, through the pathetic fallacy of “cities hostile and the towns unfriendly”, and our peers symbolised as “voices singing in our ears, saying/ That this was all folly”, to compile the universal obstacles one must overcome to find meaning in faith. Through Biblical allusion “this Birth was/Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death,” Eliot presents a paradox in that the Birth of Christ represents religious salvation, yet precipitates the Magi’s ostracism from their people, a living death. Really interesting ideas being proposed in this paragraph. The enjambment of the lines depicts this structurally, as the end-stop following “our death.” embodies the Magi’s lives cut short. He encapsulates all this in the last stanza, a turbulent stream-of-consciousness of irregular line length and unorthodox syntax “but set down/This set down/ This:” to project the personal and spiritual chaos that religious transformation causes in a modern world where status is the new God. Thus, through a synergy of structure and tone, Eliot delivers a concentrated atmosphere of desperation as he captures the timeless clash of faith against nihilism. Really brilliant paragraph analytically and conceptually, it is purely the introduction that fails to establish a conceptual direction to tie everything together.
Eliot, through deliberate choice of language, is able to convey to responders the population’s feelings of incompetence within a decaying Modernist setting, a society mired in decay, inaction and aimlessness. What he creates is an intimate and evocative journey for purpose when compassion and humanity are lost. Great, punchy conclusion - Does the job nicely. You could add a bit on textual integrity to better address the module.
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How do I use an integrated structure without being too shallow in analysis or linking whilst also fitting two texts into a single paragraph, given that I want to keep them under 300 words. Should I cut down on the number of textual evidences I use for each poem?
You definitely have the room to trim quotes if you so choose! You have a wealth of textual evidence, so trimming quotes and simplifying your presentation could free up the room you are after. Your analysis right now is fantastic, I don't think cutting a quote or two per paragraph would affect that greatly :)
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At the moment I'm struggling to fit just the topic sentence, link and analysis of quotes let alone critic input or my personal response to critics or the poem. Should I try and weave my personal response into linking sections or should I just leave it to the conclusion?
Your personal response is established by your unique conceptual ideas, it doesn't need a standalone sentence, and critics are optional anyway! I always got into the 18-20 range without ever using a critic :)
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And would you recommend I replace a quote from the poem or something with a quote from a critic just to add a sense of broader reading?
If you want to! It's just another form of evidence really, if you feel like a bit of breadth is good then go for it - You do reuse a few techniques so could be a way to avoid that :)
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Could someone define and give specific examples of the difference between structure and form and how I would insert them in my essay for Mod B Eliot, because I don't see how to provide textual evidence for a specific type of structure or form.
Structure and form are really the same thing for all intents and purposes - You've done it already, talking about things like line length. Someone who studied Eliot might have suggestions of other things you can add ;D
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Also, is it weird to have this many poems in the essay? Does it detract from the depth of analysis?
Not at all - I do think trimming to three could be good for you to simplify a bit, get the length down, and really enhance your contextual clarity to make sure it responds to whatever question is in front of you. Just pick whichever three poems work best on the day ;D
Really great work armtistic, definitely Band 6 level stuff ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2017, 03:03:32 pm
Hi! Could you please give me some feedback on some of my Mod C essays. We're studying King Henry IV Part 1 and my chosen related in a Dr Seuss book called The Butter Battle Book.
Hey
Just wondering if it would be possible to get some feedback and comments on my introduction and first body paragraph for a Module A Practice Essay Question
Hey guys! As mentioned above, we're swamped with marking at the moment so you'll need to reach 50 posts to qualify for feedback from a marker ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 10, 2017, 09:27:08 pm
Hey guys, I'd love some feedback on my Mod A essay - this is my weakest module by far - I never know how to balance textual evidence, context and also include what new conclusions we can gain from a comparative study. Basically, any help would be appreciated!
Edit: My elective is intertextual perspectives if that wasn't clear
Q. After comparing Metropolis and 1984 what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspective regarding to technology and revolution?
Hey there :) Apologies for the delay - with the head start lectures over the weekend we're just getting back on our feet now. Your concerns about module A aren't only felt by you, don't worry :) I'll have a look at it and see what we can find :)
Spoiler
A comparative study of Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist film “Metropolis” and George Orwell’s dystopian novel “Nineteen Eighty-Four” (1984) both reveals the extent to which context shapes the perspectives inherent in both Small thing - but the second time you've said "both" in this sentence so delete this one. texts, and also elucidates new insights regarding technological oppression and the viability of revolutions. Both texts explore the contextual fear of technology used as a mechanism by governments to exploit the masses, due to the contextual second use of contextual, delete one :)
issues of class struggle in the Weimar Republic and the rise of totalitarian regimes such as the Soviet Union. However,the texts have there are * No need to say the texts when you're about to say intertextual clashing intertextual perspectives regarding the viability of revolutions in addressing societal inequalities, as the bleakness of the WW2 era leads Orwell to represent revolutions as being ultimately futile. Thus, the comparison of the texts context and thus values allows for an in-depth understanding of the similarities and differences in their intertextual perspectives regarding technology and rebellions. I think this introduction would benefit from being raked back and then re-written with more clarity. Some areas are somewhat tautologous and others just don't flow well. It seems you haven't shown you know what an intertextual perspective is, but rather you've said it exists and that's why Orwell has shaped his text the way he did. :)
Both Lang and Orwell explore in their respective texts the use of technology to exploit the lower classes, and so enhances the audiences understanding of the double-edged nature of technology. In “Metropolis”, Fredersen applies technology in his industry to dehumanise the proletariats, as demonstrated through the low angle shot of the Moloch Machine, highlighting its power over the exhausted workers. However, the juxtaposition of these scenes to the above ground cities surreal scale reveals how Fredersen’s creation of an immense and futuristic city has stemmed from his use of technology as an enforcer of oppression of the workers. The link isn't clear here. Juxtaposition shows how someone is inspired by technology as an oppressor - it doesn't really click. Perhaps you mean that the juxtaposition mirrors Lang's own understanding of two paralleling realities? I don't know the text well enough to work out exactly what you should say, but we need a little more work on this bit here :) This dichotomous perspective of technology is a result of Lang’s context, where technology had both been used for destruction in WW1, and yet also was causative of the golden age of the Weimar Republic. Ok it makes a bit more sense here, but it still needs some work to get to the point quicker than two sentences later The sharp contrast between Maria and her Robot counterpart also strengthens our understanding of technology as the pinnacle of human achievement, which yet can be a serious threat to societal rights if misused. While Maria is presented as pure and virginal how?, the religious allusion of the Whore of Babylon is used in reference to Robot Maria, an example of how technology can be used to corrupt. Thus, Lang demonstrates how technology can be utilised to oppress the masses to ensure the wealthy retain control.
However, Orwell presents a far deeper mistrust of technology and its ability to be manipulated by the state to maintain dictatorial rule, as demonstrated through his portrayal of the Party which removes individual liberty through constant surveillance. In his novel, the extensive use of the technology of the “telescreen” means citizens “can be seen as well as heard” at all times, leading them to be divorced from their own individuality as they must “live in the assumption that…every movement was scrutinised”. Furthermore, the telescreens are also constantly used for propaganda such as the “Two Minutes Hate”, similar to the anti-Semitic rallies by the Nazi Party, which are “impossible to avoid joining in”. The inability to resist such propaganda indicates the forced abandonment of independent thought in favour of the Party’s dogmas as a result of technological manipulation. Orwell’s much darker perspective on technology is a direct result of his witnessing of the nuclear bomb, the ultimate perversion of technology and its ability to be used to benefit society. Thus, Orwell expresses a much more serious concern for the advancement of technology, due to his recognition of its potential to subdue individual thought. There's analysis here in that you are analysing the plot, but you have not analysed the textual features at all. As a rule of thumb (and yes, rules are meant to be broken sometimes), I'd be making sure every time there is a quote there is a TECHNIQUE and then and analysis to ensue afterwards. You've said what Orwell has done, but not HOW he has done it :)
Lang portrays in his film the potential of an oppressed populous to resolve their exploitation through a rebellion. The mis-en-scene of Maria preaching to the workers reveals the ray of sunlight bathing Maria, contrasted to the otherwise darkened underground cavern, which symbolises her importance and thus grants her presentation of an egalitarian society greater credibility. Her message of class unity was reflective of the rising popularity of Marxist ideas in Germany at the time. The final shot of Freder clasping the hands of Grot and Fredersen, after the revolution is finished, completes the extended metaphor of “the mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart”, and is a visual representation of the formation of the Golden Age of the democratic Weimar Republic. Thus, Lang’s attests to the ability of revolutions to resolve societal issues in his film. Much better in terms of analysis! You've also answered the question really well.
Contrastingly, Orwell presents an entirely different perspective on revolutions, portraying them as an unsuccessful answer in addressing the injustices of governments. Great link between the texts! He utilises the didactic device of Goldstein’s book, which states revolutionary’s revolutionaries*
simply “thrust the Low back into their old position of servitude” after their revolution is complete, as they only “pretend…that they are fighting for liberty and justice”. Through this, Orwell condemns revolutions as being hypocritical and impractical, as no meaningful change is created in society. This perspective of Orwell is drawn from the atrocities of the Soviet Union after coming to power, such as Stalin’s Great Purge. The verbatim repetition of “I betrayed you” and “All you care about is yourself” between Winston and Julia further consolidates the inevitable failure of revolutionaries, as does the final line of “He (Winston) loved Big Brother”, ending the novel on a bleak and hopeless tone. The stark differences in the texts possessive apostrophe needed here <<< resolutions is a result of their differing contexts and purpose. While Lang intended “Metropolis” to be a symbol of hope for society untainted by the greed of capitalists, Orwell’s purpose was to create a didactic dystopian novel which would serve as a warning of the insidious nature of socialism and the dangers of accepting such ideologies, after seeing a rise in cooperation with Stalin with the Tehran Conference. Thus, Orwell’s contrary portrayal of revolutions as being futile serves his intention of warning against the absolute control and corruption of totalitarian states.
Just note that the italicised bit here is three sentences without textual analysis, but instead discussion. Simply because your analysis isn't super strong at this point, I'd do my best to cull this to two sentences to make sure you're not washing out the analysis you do have.
A comparative analysis of Lang’s “Metropolis” and Orwell’s “1984” assists us on understanding the effect of their contexts on shaping the values of a text, and also illuminates both the unique qualities and similarities of the two texts. Both composers share similar perspectives on technology being utilised as a means by authoritarian regimes to enable their dictatorship, due to the parallels of technology modernisation allowing exploitation within their contexts. The disparities in the outcome of key revolutions in “Metropolis” and “1984”, with the rise of the Golden Age of the Weimar Republic and the hypocritical actions of the Soviet Union, thus leads the texts to portray differing perspectives on the viability of revolutions in addressing inequalities present in society.
issues of class struggle in the Weimar Republic and the rise of totalitarian regimes such as the Soviet Union. However,
Both Lang and Orwell explore in their respective texts the use of technology to exploit the lower classes, and so enhances the audiences understanding of the double-edged nature of technology. In “Metropolis”, Fredersen applies technology in his industry to dehumanise the proletariats, as demonstrated through the low angle shot of the Moloch Machine, highlighting its power over the exhausted workers. However, the juxtaposition of these scenes to the above ground cities surreal scale reveals how Fredersen’s creation of an immense and futuristic city has stemmed from his use of technology as an enforcer of oppression of the workers. The link isn't clear here. Juxtaposition shows how someone is inspired by technology as an oppressor - it doesn't really click. Perhaps you mean that the juxtaposition mirrors Lang's own understanding of two paralleling realities? I don't know the text well enough to work out exactly what you should say, but we need a little more work on this bit here :) This dichotomous perspective of technology is a result of Lang’s context, where technology had both been used for destruction in WW1, and yet also was causative of the golden age of the Weimar Republic. Ok it makes a bit more sense here, but it still needs some work to get to the point quicker than two sentences later The sharp contrast between Maria and her Robot counterpart also strengthens our understanding of technology as the pinnacle of human achievement, which yet can be a serious threat to societal rights if misused. While Maria is presented as pure and virginal how?, the religious allusion of the Whore of Babylon is used in reference to Robot Maria, an example of how technology can be used to corrupt. Thus, Lang demonstrates how technology can be utilised to oppress the masses to ensure the wealthy retain control.
However, Orwell presents a far deeper mistrust of technology and its ability to be manipulated by the state to maintain dictatorial rule, as demonstrated through his portrayal of the Party which removes individual liberty through constant surveillance. In his novel, the extensive use of the technology of the “telescreen” means citizens “can be seen as well as heard” at all times, leading them to be divorced from their own individuality as they must “live in the assumption that…every movement was scrutinised”. Furthermore, the telescreens are also constantly used for propaganda such as the “Two Minutes Hate”, similar to the anti-Semitic rallies by the Nazi Party, which are “impossible to avoid joining in”. The inability to resist such propaganda indicates the forced abandonment of independent thought in favour of the Party’s dogmas as a result of technological manipulation. Orwell’s much darker perspective on technology is a direct result of his witnessing of the nuclear bomb, the ultimate perversion of technology and its ability to be used to benefit society. Thus, Orwell expresses a much more serious concern for the advancement of technology, due to his recognition of its potential to subdue individual thought. There's analysis here in that you are analysing the plot, but you have not analysed the textual features at all. As a rule of thumb (and yes, rules are meant to be broken sometimes), I'd be making sure every time there is a quote there is a TECHNIQUE and then and analysis to ensue afterwards. You've said what Orwell has done, but not HOW he has done it :)
Lang portrays in his film the potential of an oppressed populous to resolve their exploitation through a rebellion. The mis-en-scene of Maria preaching to the workers reveals the ray of sunlight bathing Maria, contrasted to the otherwise darkened underground cavern, which symbolises her importance and thus grants her presentation of an egalitarian society greater credibility. Her message of class unity was reflective of the rising popularity of Marxist ideas in Germany at the time. The final shot of Freder clasping the hands of Grot and Fredersen, after the revolution is finished, completes the extended metaphor of “the mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart”, and is a visual representation of the formation of the Golden Age of the democratic Weimar Republic. Thus, Lang’s attests to the ability of revolutions to resolve societal issues in his film. Much better in terms of analysis! You've also answered the question really well.
Contrastingly, Orwell presents an entirely different perspective on revolutions, portraying them as an unsuccessful answer in addressing the injustices of governments. Great link between the texts! He utilises the didactic device of Goldstein’s book, which states revolutionary’s revolutionaries*
simply “thrust the Low back into their old position of servitude” after their revolution is complete, as they only “pretend…that they are fighting for liberty and justice”. Through this, Orwell condemns revolutions as being hypocritical and impractical, as no meaningful change is created in society. This perspective of Orwell is drawn from the atrocities of the Soviet Union after coming to power, such as Stalin’s Great Purge. The verbatim repetition of “I betrayed you” and “All you care about is yourself” between Winston and Julia further consolidates the inevitable failure of revolutionaries, as does the final line of “He (Winston) loved Big Brother”, ending the novel on a bleak and hopeless tone. The stark differences in the texts possessive apostrophe needed here <<< resolutions is a result of their differing contexts and purpose. While Lang intended “Metropolis” to be a symbol of hope for society untainted by the greed of capitalists, Orwell’s purpose was to create a didactic dystopian novel which would serve as a warning of the insidious nature of socialism and the dangers of accepting such ideologies, after seeing a rise in cooperation with Stalin with the Tehran Conference. Thus, Orwell’s contrary portrayal of revolutions as being futile serves his intention of warning against the absolute control and corruption of totalitarian states.
Just note that the italicised bit here is three sentences without textual analysis, but instead discussion. Simply because your analysis isn't super strong at this point, I'd do my best to cull this to two sentences to make sure you're not washing out the analysis you do have.
A comparative analysis of Lang’s “Metropolis” and Orwell’s “1984” assists us on understanding the effect of their contexts on shaping the values of a text, and also illuminates both the unique qualities and similarities of the two texts. Both composers share similar perspectives on technology being utilised as a means by authoritarian regimes to enable their dictatorship, due to the parallels of technology modernisation allowing exploitation within their contexts. The disparities in the outcome of key revolutions in “Metropolis” and “1984”, with the rise of the Golden Age of the Weimar Republic and the hypocritical actions of the Soviet Union, thus leads the texts to portray differing perspectives on the viability of revolutions in addressing inequalities present in society.
I don't doubt for a second that you know these texts well, so when I say your analysis needs a bit of work it isn't going to be devastating for you. You know the texts well, it's just about how you're writing it. And we can do something about this! When I'm editing my own work I look at every sentence and ask "does this either provide textual analysis, or directly answer the question?" If it does neither, it's gone. If it only answers the question, I check that the sentence either side of it is on topic and analytical. If not, then I know I've gone on a little non-analytical tangent. There are times when this is appropriate, like if the rest of your essay was super analytically dense, but in this situation we need to look closely at places like your second body paragraph and decide where to insert the textual analysis. You are drawing excellent connections between the texts, I'm not even a tiny bit concerned by the way you're approaching the module! For me, it is purely in the analysis.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2017, 11:42:15 pm
Hey,
Would you please be able to give me some feedback on a module C essay that I wrote?
It's probably one of my worst modules so all feedback is really appreciated.
Thanks so much! :)
Always happy to help Katie ;D
Spoiler
2015 HSC-Module C
Experiences of landscape may be diverse, but the influence on identity is always profound.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Although, individuals may have differing experiences with a landscape, this will always have an enduring impact on their beliefs and values. Nice Thesis! Direct and clear - But simple, I'd expect elaboration in your paragraph topics and to delve into this further. Alain de Botton’s multi-modal philosophical text The Art of Travel focusses on the impact of travel on individuals in real, anticipated and remembered landscapes. In his chapter On Travelling Places, de Botton questions what makes a landscape such a valuable travel destination. Similarly, the chapter On Eye-Opening Art, conveys the differing representations of landscapes by Van Gogh, and how artworks have been able to impact future generations in engaging their imagination and motivating them to see a landscape. The poem, 10 Mary Street by Peter Skrzynecki expresses the real landscape of a migrant families home and how it has lasting childhood memories for the persona. I'd introduce this text for the first time (or at least the composer) in the same sentence as you did the Prescribed, then do the detail here as you've done. Doing it here feels like an afterthought. Therefore, throughout both texts while experiences of the landscape are widely different, they have long lasting effects on an individual's identity. Solid introductory paragraph - I'd love a bit more elaboration on exactly what the sort of impacts you think landscapes have on individuals.
Landscapes that we may perceive as insignificant and mundane may profoundly influence our identity. Cool - Try a higher modality phrasing, "Landscapes perceived as insignificant and mundane still ultimately influence our identity." Be more sure of yourself! In the chapter, On travelling Places, de Botton questions the different value of landscapes while travelling. The stereotypical description of the landscape conveyed by ‘lush palmed fringed island that Baudelaire had dreamed of’ conveys the idealised initial perspective towards the landscape. The use of the inclusive pronoun ‘we’ expressed through “If we find poetry in the service station and motel… implicitly feel that these isolated places offer us a material setting for an alternative to selfish ease”, further portray how landscapes that may ordinarily be viewed as unimportant can have a significant impact on an individual. All about efficiency - Do you need the whole quote to show the use of inclusive language? Also try and link the technique to effect - Inclusive language garners audience empathy and draws them in, for example - More sophisticated than generic "this displays this." This is similarly conveyed through the emphasis on seemingly insignificant everyday objects in ‘coffee machine and magazines, tokens of small human desires and vanities’. You've got rhyme as a technique in the first part of that quote! The aphorism of ‘not necessarily at home that we best encounter our true selves’, reiterates how landscapes can have an impact on our identity and values. What sort of impact? Hence, landscapes both anticipated and real can have a large impact on an individual's identity, values and beliefs. Solid paragraph! Looking for more conceptual development, what sorts of impacts does it have?
Landscapes can have a large impact on our identity through the memories that we can associate with them. Good. The poem, 10 Mary Street conveys the landscape of a migrant family in their home and their close connection to the house. The persona reflects on his childhood memories of the house and garden, inviting the audience to share his thoughts and emphasise with their position as migrants. Condense those two sentences into one setting up the plot and the concept. The simile ‘like a well oiled lock’, reinforces the daily routine of the family. What does it re-enforce about the impact on our identity? Perhaps how memories are enhanced by routine or something similar? The symbolism in ‘still too-narrow bridge’ expresses the difficulties faced by the family in transitioning into their community. The parent’s strong connection to the garden is conveyed through the cumulative listing of ‘watered plants-grew potatoes/And rows of sweet corn’. We've got very plot/character focused analysis here, try and extrapolate further - What does the audience learn in general, about their own landscapes/memories? This is similarly conveyed through the use of sibilance and continuation of garden imagery in ‘became citizens of the soil’. The simile ‘like a hungry bird’ and further hyperbole ‘bursting at the seams’ is contrasted to it’s prior listing. This emphasises how the persona initially gave little thought to the garden and doesn’t reciprocate his parent’s care for the landscape. The strong family connection and self-identity throughout the poem is very different to the experiences portrayed in de Botton’s text however still has an enduring impact on the beliefs and values of the personas. Fantastic textual analysis here, great selection of techniques, but we need to extend it conceptually to the audience. Not what we learn about characters, but about the ideas more generally!
Artworks and their representation of a landscape can influence individuals to travel which can further impact their identity. I'd say "experience new landscapes," to avoid a plot focused Thesis, of sorts. The representation of a landscape through the use of artworks is conveyed through de Botton's chapter On Eye-Opening Art. De Botton’s use of intertextuality contrasts the post-impressionist paintings of Van Gogh with their real landscapes to reinforce his ideas and convey how they were perceived differently. What were these ideas, how WERE they perceived differently? During de Botton’s travels, an Australian man exclaims ‘Well, it doesn’t look much like that’, when comparing the painting and landscapes of Gogh. Retell. This reinforces that there may be several different subjective interpretations of a landscape. Good - This is what I mean by something the audience learns/realises without relating to a character. This is similarly seen through the aphorism ‘world is complex enough for two realistic pictures of the same place to look very different’. The statement ‘tend to seek our corners of the world only once .. painted and written about by artists’, shows how artists can be influential in inspiring others to travel to a landscape. While interpretations of an environment may vary, they can have a significant impact on an individual’s values and beliefs. This conclusion doesn't quite match your introduction - Ensure you have stayed on track!
Therefore, landscapes will always have an enduring impact on an individual's beliefs and values despite their diverse experiences. The chapter, On Travelling Places questions the value of landscapes while also reflecting on those we may find insignificant. The poem, 10 Mary Street conveys a man’s reflection of the strong connection he had with his childhood home and garden. Further, the chapter On Eye-Opening Art expresses how the representation of landscapes through artworks can inspire others to travel. Thus while we may have differing experiences of a landscape, it can invoke profound longlasting responses in an individual.
Experiences of landscape may be diverse, but the influence on identity is always profound.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Although, individuals may have differing experiences with a landscape, this will always have an enduring impact on their beliefs and values. Nice Thesis! Direct and clear - But simple, I'd expect elaboration in your paragraph topics and to delve into this further. Alain de Botton’s multi-modal philosophical text The Art of Travel focusses on the impact of travel on individuals in real, anticipated and remembered landscapes. In his chapter On Travelling Places, de Botton questions what makes a landscape such a valuable travel destination. Similarly, the chapter On Eye-Opening Art, conveys the differing representations of landscapes by Van Gogh, and how artworks have been able to impact future generations in engaging their imagination and motivating them to see a landscape. The poem, 10 Mary Street by Peter Skrzynecki expresses the real landscape of a migrant families home and how it has lasting childhood memories for the persona. I'd introduce this text for the first time (or at least the composer) in the same sentence as you did the Prescribed, then do the detail here as you've done. Doing it here feels like an afterthought. Therefore, throughout both texts while experiences of the landscape are widely different, they have long lasting effects on an individual's identity. Solid introductory paragraph - I'd love a bit more elaboration on exactly what the sort of impacts you think landscapes have on individuals.
Landscapes that we may perceive as insignificant and mundane may profoundly influence our identity. Cool - Try a higher modality phrasing, "Landscapes perceived as insignificant and mundane still ultimately influence our identity." Be more sure of yourself! In the chapter, On travelling Places, de Botton questions the different value of landscapes while travelling. The stereotypical description of the landscape conveyed by ‘lush palmed fringed island that Baudelaire had dreamed of’ conveys the idealised initial perspective towards the landscape. The use of the inclusive pronoun ‘we’ expressed through “If we find poetry in the service station and motel… implicitly feel that these isolated places offer us a material setting for an alternative to selfish ease”, further portray how landscapes that may ordinarily be viewed as unimportant can have a significant impact on an individual. All about efficiency - Do you need the whole quote to show the use of inclusive language? Also try and link the technique to effect - Inclusive language garners audience empathy and draws them in, for example - More sophisticated than generic "this displays this." This is similarly conveyed through the emphasis on seemingly insignificant everyday objects in ‘coffee machine and magazines, tokens of small human desires and vanities’. You've got rhyme as a technique in the first part of that quote! The aphorism of ‘not necessarily at home that we best encounter our true selves’, reiterates how landscapes can have an impact on our identity and values. What sort of impact? Hence, landscapes both anticipated and real can have a large impact on an individual's identity, values and beliefs. Solid paragraph! Looking for more conceptual development, what sorts of impacts does it have?
Landscapes can have a large impact on our identity through the memories that we can associate with them. Good. The poem, 10 Mary Street conveys the landscape of a migrant family in their home and their close connection to the house. The persona reflects on his childhood memories of the house and garden, inviting the audience to share his thoughts and emphasise with their position as migrants. Condense those two sentences into one setting up the plot and the concept. The simile ‘like a well oiled lock’, reinforces the daily routine of the family. What does it re-enforce about the impact on our identity? Perhaps how memories are enhanced by routine or something similar? The symbolism in ‘still too-narrow bridge’ expresses the difficulties faced by the family in transitioning into their community. The parent’s strong connection to the garden is conveyed through the cumulative listing of ‘watered plants-grew potatoes/And rows of sweet corn’. We've got very plot/character focused analysis here, try and extrapolate further - What does the audience learn in general, about their own landscapes/memories? This is similarly conveyed through the use of sibilance and continuation of garden imagery in ‘became citizens of the soil’. The simile ‘like a hungry bird’ and further hyperbole ‘bursting at the seams’ is contrasted to it’s prior listing. This emphasises how the persona initially gave little thought to the garden and doesn’t reciprocate his parent’s care for the landscape. The strong family connection and self-identity throughout the poem is very different to the experiences portrayed in de Botton’s text however still has an enduring impact on the beliefs and values of the personas. Fantastic textual analysis here, great selection of techniques, but we need to extend it conceptually to the audience. Not what we learn about characters, but about the ideas more generally!
Artworks and their representation of a landscape can influence individuals to travel which can further impact their identity. I'd say "experience new landscapes," to avoid a plot focused Thesis, of sorts. The representation of a landscape through the use of artworks is conveyed through de Botton's chapter On Eye-Opening Art. De Botton’s use of intertextuality contrasts the post-impressionist paintings of Van Gogh with their real landscapes to reinforce his ideas and convey how they were perceived differently. What were these ideas, how WERE they perceived differently? During de Botton’s travels, an Australian man exclaims ‘Well, it doesn’t look much like that’, when comparing the painting and landscapes of Gogh. Retell. This reinforces that there may be several different subjective interpretations of a landscape. Good - This is what I mean by something the audience learns/realises without relating to a character. This is similarly seen through the aphorism ‘world is complex enough for two realistic pictures of the same place to look very different’. The statement ‘tend to seek our corners of the world only once .. painted and written about by artists’, shows how artists can be influential in inspiring others to travel to a landscape. While interpretations of an environment may vary, they can have a significant impact on an individual’s values and beliefs. This conclusion doesn't quite match your introduction - Ensure you have stayed on track!
Therefore, landscapes will always have an enduring impact on an individual's beliefs and values despite their diverse experiences. The chapter, On Travelling Places questions the value of landscapes while also reflecting on those we may find insignificant. The poem, 10 Mary Street conveys a man’s reflection of the strong connection he had with his childhood home and garden. Further, the chapter On Eye-Opening Art expresses how the representation of landscapes through artworks can inspire others to travel. Thus while we may have differing experiences of a landscape, it can invoke profound longlasting responses in an individual.
I think you've done two things incredibly well in this essay:
1 - Selected a great variety of textual evidence, with techniques, to link to your concepts.
2 - A clear structure to your argument - It was always clear where we were at and why, and each paragraph was distinct but still related to your core idea and the question.
Some things to improve:
- Each paragraph needs something a little different actually. Paragraph 1 needs more conceptual development. Paragraph 2 needs more links to the audience and less character description. Paragraph 3 needs less retell!
- A slightly better balance between ORT and Prescribed would be great.
- In general, conceptual interpretation is a tad simplistic - Not necessarily a bad thing, but as you practice, think of ways you can extend your ideas. What ARE the impacts? WHY do landscapes have these impacts? Little bits of sparkle to make you stand out. Slightly more deliberate reference to IDENTITY would be good too!
In general, finding areas to trim retell and make things more concise will give you room to analyse the techniques in more complex and deliberate ways, which is really what this essay needs - But you are making an extremely clear argument and it is supported by a clear understanding of the text, don't give that up! :)
Post by: JeffChiang on October 11, 2017, 09:37:08 am
Spoiler
Despite the distinct context of each, a clear connection between the texts is their exploration of integrity as a facet of the human condition.
Analyse how the process of comparing Julius Caesar and The Prince refined your appreciation of integrity.
Despite differing contexts that formulate key values of humanity, the composers’ portrayal of political leadership are universal in disregarding the need for integrity in favour for stability. William Shakespeare’s play ‘Julius Caesar’ and Niccolo Machiavelli’s treatise ‘The Prince’ both establish the common motives of the composers’ zeitgeist by conveying the application of honour and morality, the divine order and manipulation in leadership within a turmoil political situation both in Elizabethan England and Renaissance Italy.
Only minimal consideration is required for upholding honour and morality to ensure one’s own political survival in a turmoil situation. Machiavelli exemplifies the manipulative needs of a leader in order to sustain a stable political system. 'If a ruler wants to survive, he'll have to learn to stop being good,' reinforces Machiavelli’s faith in malice as a foundation for maintaining social stability, abandoning moral righteousness utilising an unsympathetic didactic tone. This is made imperative in the disastrous political turmoil of Renaissance Italy where a leader must constantly renew their alliances and moral values in accordance to current events. The abolishment of the Republic of Florence forces Machiavelli to lose his advisory and hence is required to sacrifice moral integrity in order to maintain influence in the political sphere by supporting the monarchical Medici family. This is similarly portrayed in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, 'Set honour in one eye and death in the other' uses ethos and dramatic rhetoric to emphasise the cost of upholding honour. By opposing the social context of Elizabethan England where honour and morality are thought to be the perfect qualities of a leader, Shakespeare highlights the ramifications that lead to death. Brutus's embracement of honour ultimately leads to his downfall disregarding political survival. He serves as a key example of a good ruler of flawed humanity that Machiavelli denounces in their failure. Regardless of the varying context, both Machiavelli and Shakespeare emphasise the need to ignore honour and morality in order to survive.
The apprehension of the divine order is essential in political success, gaining not only stability but also integrity. Machiavelli's aphorism 'There is nothing more important than appearing to be religious' uses inartistic invention to highlight the vitality of divinity in the political survival of a stable leadership but also disregarding religious integrity. By gaining divine power, a leader has unquestionable rule such as the Pope who not only had control of the Papal States but also the entire Renaissance Europe with the King of Spain and France aligned with his Catholic beliefs. This comes to the notion that divinity cannot be challenged as it does not require reasoning in achieving its aims. Shakespeare portrays the application of Machiavellian ideals in Julius Caesar. ‘I do know but one That unassailable holds on his rank,’ emphasises Caesar’s destruction of the divine order through third person flattery that leads to his death. Despite Caesar’s ignorance of integrity to sustain political stability, he fails to wield religious power in order to act unquestionably. Shakespeare expresses the loss of religion as disastrous for a ruler alluding to Queen Elizabeth who was both Head of the Church of England and the Tudor monarch allowing her to manipulate divine power to her own political desires. Caesar’s failure to achieve both reveals the importance of Machiavelli’s notions of religion. Hence, the differing contexts of Elizabethan England and Renaissance Italy both accentuate the need to apprehend divine power in political success.
Manipulation is an essential component of political leadership in maintaining power without human integrity. Machiavelli's anthropocentric humanist views considering humans as the central element of existence above God accentuates his immoral values in the importance of political manipulation. He upholds the scheming, venomous politician Cesare Borgia, revering his audacity to enforce brutality when necessary. Borgia becomes a key ideal in the didactic aphorism “opponents with their cunning…achieved more than leaders who behaved honestly” to demonstrate the vitality of a manipulative nature. Only when moral values of orthodox Christian ideology are rejected does a leader become ultimately successful in manipulation to employ cruelty when necessary in order to maintain power. Shakespeare exemplifies an ideal manipulative leader in Mark Antony in the anaphoric repetition of 'Brutus was an honourable man' spoken in sophisticated verse in order to sway public opinion to make his honour tokenistic. Following Machiavelli's aphorism, the cunningness of Antony outperforms Brutus's honest approach in leadership exemplifying the importance of manipulation and challenging Roman virtue. Thus Shakespeare ambiguously parallels to Queen Elizabeth who was ruthless in persecuting Catholics utilising manipulation in order to maintain power as the virgin queen. Therefore the necessity of manipulation is upheld in order to survive in turmoil political situations.
Through the context of turmoil political situations, the notions of honour and morality, the divine order and manipulation are explored in Machiavelli's 'The Prince' and Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'. The zeitgeist of the composers highlights the universal nature of political leadership, disregarding the need for integrity despite the differing contexts that shape human values.
Analyse how the process of comparing Julius Caesar and The Prince refined your appreciation of integrity.
Despite differing contexts that formulate key values of humanity, the composers’ portrayal of political leadership are universal in disregarding the need for integrity in favour for stability. William Shakespeare’s play ‘Julius Caesar’ and Niccolo Machiavelli’s treatise ‘The Prince’ both establish the common motives of the composers’ zeitgeist by conveying the application of honour and morality, the divine order and manipulation in leadership within a turmoil political situation both in Elizabethan England and Renaissance Italy.
Only minimal consideration is required for upholding honour and morality to ensure one’s own political survival in a turmoil situation. Machiavelli exemplifies the manipulative needs of a leader in order to sustain a stable political system. 'If a ruler wants to survive, he'll have to learn to stop being good,' reinforces Machiavelli’s faith in malice as a foundation for maintaining social stability, abandoning moral righteousness utilising an unsympathetic didactic tone. This is made imperative in the disastrous political turmoil of Renaissance Italy where a leader must constantly renew their alliances and moral values in accordance to current events. The abolishment of the Republic of Florence forces Machiavelli to lose his advisory and hence is required to sacrifice moral integrity in order to maintain influence in the political sphere by supporting the monarchical Medici family. This is similarly portrayed in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, 'Set honour in one eye and death in the other' uses ethos and dramatic rhetoric to emphasise the cost of upholding honour. By opposing the social context of Elizabethan England where honour and morality are thought to be the perfect qualities of a leader, Shakespeare highlights the ramifications that lead to death. Brutus's embracement of honour ultimately leads to his downfall disregarding political survival. He serves as a key example of a good ruler of flawed humanity that Machiavelli denounces in their failure. Regardless of the varying context, both Machiavelli and Shakespeare emphasise the need to ignore honour and morality in order to survive.
The apprehension of the divine order is essential in political success, gaining not only stability but also integrity. Machiavelli's aphorism 'There is nothing more important than appearing to be religious' uses inartistic invention to highlight the vitality of divinity in the political survival of a stable leadership but also disregarding religious integrity. By gaining divine power, a leader has unquestionable rule such as the Pope who not only had control of the Papal States but also the entire Renaissance Europe with the King of Spain and France aligned with his Catholic beliefs. This comes to the notion that divinity cannot be challenged as it does not require reasoning in achieving its aims. Shakespeare portrays the application of Machiavellian ideals in Julius Caesar. ‘I do know but one That unassailable holds on his rank,’ emphasises Caesar’s destruction of the divine order through third person flattery that leads to his death. Despite Caesar’s ignorance of integrity to sustain political stability, he fails to wield religious power in order to act unquestionably. Shakespeare expresses the loss of religion as disastrous for a ruler alluding to Queen Elizabeth who was both Head of the Church of England and the Tudor monarch allowing her to manipulate divine power to her own political desires. Caesar’s failure to achieve both reveals the importance of Machiavelli’s notions of religion. Hence, the differing contexts of Elizabethan England and Renaissance Italy both accentuate the need to apprehend divine power in political success.
Manipulation is an essential component of political leadership in maintaining power without human integrity. Machiavelli's anthropocentric humanist views considering humans as the central element of existence above God accentuates his immoral values in the importance of political manipulation. He upholds the scheming, venomous politician Cesare Borgia, revering his audacity to enforce brutality when necessary. Borgia becomes a key ideal in the didactic aphorism “opponents with their cunning…achieved more than leaders who behaved honestly” to demonstrate the vitality of a manipulative nature. Only when moral values of orthodox Christian ideology are rejected does a leader become ultimately successful in manipulation to employ cruelty when necessary in order to maintain power. Shakespeare exemplifies an ideal manipulative leader in Mark Antony in the anaphoric repetition of 'Brutus was an honourable man' spoken in sophisticated verse in order to sway public opinion to make his honour tokenistic. Following Machiavelli's aphorism, the cunningness of Antony outperforms Brutus's honest approach in leadership exemplifying the importance of manipulation and challenging Roman virtue. Thus Shakespeare ambiguously parallels to Queen Elizabeth who was ruthless in persecuting Catholics utilising manipulation in order to maintain power as the virgin queen. Therefore the necessity of manipulation is upheld in order to survive in turmoil political situations.
Through the context of turmoil political situations, the notions of honour and morality, the divine order and manipulation are explored in Machiavelli's 'The Prince' and Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'. The zeitgeist of the composers highlights the universal nature of political leadership, disregarding the need for integrity despite the differing contexts that shape human values.
Post by: tracytruong on October 11, 2017, 11:36:18 am
Thankyou!!
Post by: sidzeman on October 11, 2017, 02:54:06 pm
Hey there :) Apologies for the delay - with the head start lectures over the weekend we're just getting back on our feet now. Your concerns about module A aren't only felt by you, don't worry :) I'll have a look at it and see what we can find :)ahhh I see thank you so much. I'd forgotten sentence that make sense in your head because you know what you were talking about really don't actually make sense when considered from a markers perspective haha I'll be sure to change that around, as well as add some more clear analysis.SpoilerA comparative study of Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist film “Metropolis” and George Orwell’s dystopian novel “Nineteen Eighty-Four” (1984) both reveals the extent to which context shapes the perspectives inherent in both Small thing - but the second time you've said "both" in this sentence so delete this one. texts, and also elucidates new insights regarding technological oppression and the viability of revolutions. Both texts explore the contextual fear of technology used as a mechanism by governments to exploit the masses, due to the contextual second use of contextual, delete one :)
issues of class struggle in the Weimar Republic and the rise of totalitarian regimes such as the Soviet Union. However,the texts havethere are * No need to say the texts when you're about to say intertextual clashing intertextual perspectives regarding the viability of revolutions in addressing societal inequalities, as the bleakness of the WW2 era leads Orwell to represent revolutions as being ultimately futile. Thus, the comparison of the texts context and thus values allows for an in-depth understanding of the similarities and differences in their intertextual perspectives regarding technology and rebellions. I think this introduction would benefit from being raked back and then re-written with more clarity. Some areas are somewhat tautologous and others just don't flow well. It seems you haven't shown you know what an intertextual perspective is, but rather you've said it exists and that's why Orwell has shaped his text the way he did. :)
Both Lang and Orwell explore in their respective texts the use of technology to exploit the lower classes, and so enhances the audiences understanding of the double-edged nature of technology. In “Metropolis”, Fredersen applies technology in his industry to dehumanise the proletariats, as demonstrated through the low angle shot of the Moloch Machine, highlighting its power over the exhausted workers. However, the juxtaposition of these scenes to the above ground cities surreal scale reveals how Fredersen’s creation of an immense and futuristic city has stemmed from his use of technology as an enforcer of oppression of the workers. The link isn't clear here. Juxtaposition shows how someone is inspired by technology as an oppressor - it doesn't really click. Perhaps you mean that the juxtaposition mirrors Lang's own understanding of two paralleling realities? I don't know the text well enough to work out exactly what you should say, but we need a little more work on this bit here :) This dichotomous perspective of technology is a result of Lang’s context, where technology had both been used for destruction in WW1, and yet also was causative of the golden age of the Weimar Republic. Ok it makes a bit more sense here, but it still needs some work to get to the point quicker than two sentences later The sharp contrast between Maria and her Robot counterpart also strengthens our understanding of technology as the pinnacle of human achievement, which yet can be a serious threat to societal rights if misused. While Maria is presented as pure and virginal how?, the religious allusion of the Whore of Babylon is used in reference to Robot Maria, an example of how technology can be used to corrupt. Thus, Lang demonstrates how technology can be utilised to oppress the masses to ensure the wealthy retain control.
However, Orwell presents a far deeper mistrust of technology and its ability to be manipulated by the state to maintain dictatorial rule, as demonstrated through his portrayal of the Party which removes individual liberty through constant surveillance. In his novel, the extensive use of the technology of the “telescreen” means citizens “can be seen as well as heard” at all times, leading them to be divorced from their own individuality as they must “live in the assumption that…every movement was scrutinised”. Furthermore, the telescreens are also constantly used for propaganda such as the “Two Minutes Hate”, similar to the anti-Semitic rallies by the Nazi Party, which are “impossible to avoid joining in”. The inability to resist such propaganda indicates the forced abandonment of independent thought in favour of the Party’s dogmas as a result of technological manipulation. Orwell’s much darker perspective on technology is a direct result of his witnessing of the nuclear bomb, the ultimate perversion of technology and its ability to be used to benefit society. Thus, Orwell expresses a much more serious concern for the advancement of technology, due to his recognition of its potential to subdue individual thought. There's analysis here in that you are analysing the plot, but you have not analysed the textual features at all. As a rule of thumb (and yes, rules are meant to be broken sometimes), I'd be making sure every time there is a quote there is a TECHNIQUE and then and analysis to ensue afterwards. You've said what Orwell has done, but not HOW he has done it :)
Lang portrays in his film the potential of an oppressed populous to resolve their exploitation through a rebellion. The mis-en-scene of Maria preaching to the workers reveals the ray of sunlight bathing Maria, contrasted to the otherwise darkened underground cavern, which symbolises her importance and thus grants her presentation of an egalitarian society greater credibility. Her message of class unity was reflective of the rising popularity of Marxist ideas in Germany at the time. The final shot of Freder clasping the hands of Grot and Fredersen, after the revolution is finished, completes the extended metaphor of “the mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart”, and is a visual representation of the formation of the Golden Age of the democratic Weimar Republic. Thus, Lang’s attests to the ability of revolutions to resolve societal issues in his film. Much better in terms of analysis! You've also answered the question really well.
Contrastingly, Orwell presents an entirely different perspective on revolutions, portraying them as an unsuccessful answer in addressing the injustices of governments. Great link between the texts! He utilises the didactic device of Goldstein’s book, which states revolutionary’s revolutionaries*
simply “thrust the Low back into their old position of servitude” after their revolution is complete, as they only “pretend…that they are fighting for liberty and justice”. Through this, Orwell condemns revolutions as being hypocritical and impractical, as no meaningful change is created in society. This perspective of Orwell is drawn from the atrocities of the Soviet Union after coming to power, such as Stalin’s Great Purge. The verbatim repetition of “I betrayed you” and “All you care about is yourself” between Winston and Julia further consolidates the inevitable failure of revolutionaries, as does the final line of “He (Winston) loved Big Brother”, ending the novel on a bleak and hopeless tone. The stark differences in the texts possessive apostrophe needed here <<< resolutions is a result of their differing contexts and purpose. While Lang intended “Metropolis” to be a symbol of hope for society untainted by the greed of capitalists, Orwell’s purpose was to create a didactic dystopian novel which would serve as a warning of the insidious nature of socialism and the dangers of accepting such ideologies, after seeing a rise in cooperation with Stalin with the Tehran Conference. Thus, Orwell’s contrary portrayal of revolutions as being futile serves his intention of warning against the absolute control and corruption of totalitarian states.
Just note that the italicised bit here is three sentences without textual analysis, but instead discussion. Simply because your analysis isn't super strong at this point, I'd do my best to cull this to two sentences to make sure you're not washing out the analysis you do have.
A comparative analysis of Lang’s “Metropolis” and Orwell’s “1984” assists us on understanding the effect of their contexts on shaping the values of a text, and also illuminates both the unique qualities and similarities of the two texts. Both composers share similar perspectives on technology being utilised as a means by authoritarian regimes to enable their dictatorship, due to the parallels of technology modernisation allowing exploitation within their contexts. The disparities in the outcome of key revolutions in “Metropolis” and “1984”, with the rise of the Golden Age of the Weimar Republic and the hypocritical actions of the Soviet Union, thus leads the texts to portray differing perspectives on the viability of revolutions in addressing inequalities present in society.
I don't doubt for a second that you know these texts well, so when I say your analysis needs a bit of work it isn't going to be devastating for you. You know the texts well, it's just about how you're writing it. And we can do something about this! When I'm editing my own work I look at every sentence and ask "does this either provide textual analysis, or directly answer the question?" If it does neither, it's gone. If it only answers the question, I check that the sentence either side of it is on topic and analytical. If not, then I know I've gone on a little non-analytical tangent. There are times when this is appropriate, like if the rest of your essay was super analytically dense, but in this situation we need to look closely at places like your second body paragraph and decide where to insert the textual analysis. You are drawing excellent connections between the texts, I'm not even a tiny bit concerned by the way you're approaching the module! For me, it is purely in the analysis.
However, I'm still slightly unclear on what you said about me not demonstrating I know that a intertextual perspective is in the introduction - could you help me with understanding how to do that?
Post by: Potatohater on October 11, 2017, 06:30:53 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 11, 2017, 06:34:35 pm
Am I right in my understanding that we are trying to shift all essay marking to the essay marking and feedback board? Because that's where I've uploaded my two essays for marking.
I see em - On the list ;)
Hi! I was wondering if you could please read over my analysis for Module A & C and provide me with some feedback please.
Thankyou!!
You'll need to post around the site a bit more before a moderator can read this for you! See this post :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 11, 2017, 07:47:51 pm
Hello! Would appreciate feedback on my generic Mod A Essay plan.
Hey! I'll give you feedback on this throughout like I would an essay :)
Spoiler
An examination of the intertextual connections between texts facilitates a deepened understanding of a composer’s values, which are represented different due to the dynamic nature of context. Good Thesis, addresses the module well. In particular focus, the reshaping of values such as integrity and humility in Shakespeare’s KRIII and Al Pacino’s LFR reveals the influence of religion and the Tudor myth in the representation of themes such as duplicity and the pursuit of power. A few things at play here, make sure you hone in on the bits relevant to whatever question is in front of you. Watch expression in the real thing.
Topic Sentence 1 (Integrity):
General: Through a study of intertextual connections, a deepened understanding of the dehumanising effects of relinquishing one’s integrity in order to fulfil the insatiable lust for power is attained – despite the dynamic perspectives of the importance of integrity as context shifts. The expression isn't the best here, I think it could be made more concise and more clear, but the idea is great.
Grounding (S): The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Hence, Shakespeare’s characterises Richard as the perfect Machiavellian villain, abandoning any notion of traditional Christian morality to maximise personal gain.
Grounding (P): Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard in LFR as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfil selfish motivations. You would probably not want both of these at the start of the paragraph, it creates too long of a buffer between the start and analysis.
Evidence:
1. Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is established through Shakespeare's use of soliloquy. The opening soliloquy, in particular, reveals to the audience Richard’s “determination to prove a villain”, thus revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. Note: Relate to Edward if ‘relationships’ Like that you are making notes on how to deal with certain prompts. Be sure your analysis is concept focused, not character focused.
· Pacino re-enacts the opening soliloquy, utilising chiaroscuro lighting - a constrast of shadow and light - to emphasise the transgression of duplicitous nature through time, applicable to the 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”. The parallelism allows modern audiences to relate the motives of Richard to the self-made man. Great consideration of modern context - Like that you are structuring your notes comparatively.
2. Shakespeare further elucidates Richard’s innate lack of integrity through the Lady Anne scene, with Richard admitting “[he] will not keep her long”. The dramatic irony enables the audience to first hand witness Richard’s ease of manipulation and abuse of the Christian sacrament of marriage; his soul is so damaged and lacking in integrity that he does not stop to question his morals.
· The docudrama form allows for explanatory intermissions in Pacino’s reconstruction of Richard’s wooing of Anne. The sardonic intercut of “HA!” after Anne’s submission reflects the cunning nature of the tragic hero in his attempt to fulfil his political potential. Through this, modern audiences are alerted to the transcendence of manipulative individuals through time. Doing a great job considering the importance of Pacino's adaptation, but you are analysing in a very character focused way - Be careful!
3. Shakespeare exaggerates Richard’s failure to maintain his shattered identity. In the climax, Richard’s deteriorated conscience is personified to “[have] a thousand separate tongues”. The “tongues”, a religious allusion to the Holy Spirit, perpetuate the degradation of Richard’s conscience under divine retribution – a core theocentric belief at the time.
· Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man, and ultimately assumes the identity of Richard himself. The pastiche of alternating cuts and shots blends the identity of actor and character – evoking empathy from modern audiences regarding the absence of integrity in the self-made man, as Pacino is very much so. Excellent consideration of both contexts.
Topic sentence 2 (Humility): In disregarding a sense of humility, human nature prompts individuals to challenge authoritative figures and ideologies through foul tactics with intentions of asserting their own authority, this resulting in an immoral, condemnable identity. I'm not quite clicking with the link to humility here, as in, I feel you take that first part out and it really doesn't change the Thesis at all?
Grounding (S): The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard to oppose it, warning audiences of the dangers of dismissing one’s sense of humility and thus their preordained destinies.
Grounding (P): Conversely, Pacino re-contextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the self-made man, urging audiences to empathise with Richard’s relinquishing of humility in his quest for domination. As above, condense this sort of background explanation as much as possible, or embed it throughout your textual analysis!
Evidence:
1. Due to the Great Chain of Being - a religious hierarchy imposed upon Shakespeare’s theocentric society – Richard is physically characterised as ‘deformed, unfinished and half-made’. Through natural cause one is ordained their place in society, and despite being of regal blood, Richard is despised by the Elizabethan audience and granted minimal natural authority. What does this say about the concept?
· Further affirming the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who intertextually alludes to Pacino’s role in The Godfather, referring to Richard as a “gangster”. Rather than undermining divine authority, Pacino challenges the authority of the government, allowing modern audiences to understand that despite changing times, that the corruption elicited by an absence of humility is still existent.
2. The theatrical medium of Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre prompted the use of dramatics, particularly Richard’s double-crossing of Buckingham. Great to see you acknowledge this aspect of the initial context, it is really often forgotten! The Elizabethan audience is well are of the totalitarianism Richard exhibits, refusing to provide Buckingham with ‘Th’earldom of Hereford’. Yet, due to his illegitimacy in achieving this rule, Shakespeare’s audience is positioned to recognise Richard’s utmost absence of humility – willing to absolve ties with his closest allies to ensure the dominance of his authority.
· Rather, a 20th century focus on psychoanalysis introduced through the works of Sigmund Freud saw Pacino utilise the docudrama form, layering the voiceover “The emptiness of it…” to echo the dehumanising effects of the manipulation of authority and power on one’s conscience. However, contemporary audiences are positioned to find this ironic as Pacino himself frequently asserts his authority over other production and cast members, with Kimball remarking ‘You thinking you know more than any scholar in England is f*cking ridiculous!’. What technique is used here? Try to have techniques next to EVERY quote!
3. Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s humility will lead to defeat. Richmond is aligned with the goodness of God, praying “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, representative of the theocentric ideology of the triumph of God against evil. Technique? Thus, Shakespeare exemplifies the importance of adhering to the Elizabethan ideologies of his time.
· Conversely, Richmond’s role in the defeat of Richard is minimised in Looking For Richard, his screen presence diminished to a couple of seconds. Rather, a postmodern cinematic focus on action-packed and battle is evident through the panning shots and the blood-stained filter. Through this, Pacino plays on the modern adage ‘All is fair in love and war’, reflecting of the postmodern understanding necessity to omit one’s humility in order to gain power. Yet, it is clear through Richard’s gruelling defeat that perhaps a sense of humility is necessary in facilitating a holistic human experience.
Topic Sentence 1 (Integrity):
General: Through a study of intertextual connections, a deepened understanding of the dehumanising effects of relinquishing one’s integrity in order to fulfil the insatiable lust for power is attained – despite the dynamic perspectives of the importance of integrity as context shifts. The expression isn't the best here, I think it could be made more concise and more clear, but the idea is great.
Grounding (S): The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Hence, Shakespeare’s characterises Richard as the perfect Machiavellian villain, abandoning any notion of traditional Christian morality to maximise personal gain.
Grounding (P): Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard in LFR as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfil selfish motivations. You would probably not want both of these at the start of the paragraph, it creates too long of a buffer between the start and analysis.
Evidence:
1. Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is established through Shakespeare's use of soliloquy. The opening soliloquy, in particular, reveals to the audience Richard’s “determination to prove a villain”, thus revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. Note: Relate to Edward if ‘relationships’ Like that you are making notes on how to deal with certain prompts. Be sure your analysis is concept focused, not character focused.
· Pacino re-enacts the opening soliloquy, utilising chiaroscuro lighting - a constrast of shadow and light - to emphasise the transgression of duplicitous nature through time, applicable to the 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”. The parallelism allows modern audiences to relate the motives of Richard to the self-made man. Great consideration of modern context - Like that you are structuring your notes comparatively.
2. Shakespeare further elucidates Richard’s innate lack of integrity through the Lady Anne scene, with Richard admitting “[he] will not keep her long”. The dramatic irony enables the audience to first hand witness Richard’s ease of manipulation and abuse of the Christian sacrament of marriage; his soul is so damaged and lacking in integrity that he does not stop to question his morals.
· The docudrama form allows for explanatory intermissions in Pacino’s reconstruction of Richard’s wooing of Anne. The sardonic intercut of “HA!” after Anne’s submission reflects the cunning nature of the tragic hero in his attempt to fulfil his political potential. Through this, modern audiences are alerted to the transcendence of manipulative individuals through time. Doing a great job considering the importance of Pacino's adaptation, but you are analysing in a very character focused way - Be careful!
3. Shakespeare exaggerates Richard’s failure to maintain his shattered identity. In the climax, Richard’s deteriorated conscience is personified to “[have] a thousand separate tongues”. The “tongues”, a religious allusion to the Holy Spirit, perpetuate the degradation of Richard’s conscience under divine retribution – a core theocentric belief at the time.
· Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man, and ultimately assumes the identity of Richard himself. The pastiche of alternating cuts and shots blends the identity of actor and character – evoking empathy from modern audiences regarding the absence of integrity in the self-made man, as Pacino is very much so. Excellent consideration of both contexts.
Topic sentence 2 (Humility): In disregarding a sense of humility, human nature prompts individuals to challenge authoritative figures and ideologies through foul tactics with intentions of asserting their own authority, this resulting in an immoral, condemnable identity. I'm not quite clicking with the link to humility here, as in, I feel you take that first part out and it really doesn't change the Thesis at all?
Grounding (S): The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard to oppose it, warning audiences of the dangers of dismissing one’s sense of humility and thus their preordained destinies.
Grounding (P): Conversely, Pacino re-contextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the self-made man, urging audiences to empathise with Richard’s relinquishing of humility in his quest for domination. As above, condense this sort of background explanation as much as possible, or embed it throughout your textual analysis!
Evidence:
1. Due to the Great Chain of Being - a religious hierarchy imposed upon Shakespeare’s theocentric society – Richard is physically characterised as ‘deformed, unfinished and half-made’. Through natural cause one is ordained their place in society, and despite being of regal blood, Richard is despised by the Elizabethan audience and granted minimal natural authority. What does this say about the concept?
· Further affirming the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who intertextually alludes to Pacino’s role in The Godfather, referring to Richard as a “gangster”. Rather than undermining divine authority, Pacino challenges the authority of the government, allowing modern audiences to understand that despite changing times, that the corruption elicited by an absence of humility is still existent.
2. The theatrical medium of Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre prompted the use of dramatics, particularly Richard’s double-crossing of Buckingham. Great to see you acknowledge this aspect of the initial context, it is really often forgotten! The Elizabethan audience is well are of the totalitarianism Richard exhibits, refusing to provide Buckingham with ‘Th’earldom of Hereford’. Yet, due to his illegitimacy in achieving this rule, Shakespeare’s audience is positioned to recognise Richard’s utmost absence of humility – willing to absolve ties with his closest allies to ensure the dominance of his authority.
· Rather, a 20th century focus on psychoanalysis introduced through the works of Sigmund Freud saw Pacino utilise the docudrama form, layering the voiceover “The emptiness of it…” to echo the dehumanising effects of the manipulation of authority and power on one’s conscience. However, contemporary audiences are positioned to find this ironic as Pacino himself frequently asserts his authority over other production and cast members, with Kimball remarking ‘You thinking you know more than any scholar in England is f*cking ridiculous!’. What technique is used here? Try to have techniques next to EVERY quote!
3. Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s humility will lead to defeat. Richmond is aligned with the goodness of God, praying “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, representative of the theocentric ideology of the triumph of God against evil. Technique? Thus, Shakespeare exemplifies the importance of adhering to the Elizabethan ideologies of his time.
· Conversely, Richmond’s role in the defeat of Richard is minimised in Looking For Richard, his screen presence diminished to a couple of seconds. Rather, a postmodern cinematic focus on action-packed and battle is evident through the panning shots and the blood-stained filter. Through this, Pacino plays on the modern adage ‘All is fair in love and war’, reflecting of the postmodern understanding necessity to omit one’s humility in order to gain power. Yet, it is clear through Richard’s gruelling defeat that perhaps a sense of humility is necessary in facilitating a holistic human experience.
I think you've got some good preparation here! Fantastic consideration of module objectives. Make sure you are analysing concepts, not characters, and make sure your prep isn't too rigid - Be ready to ditch your prepared sentences to respond properly to curveballs. Also make sure every quote has a technique as much as possible! :)
Quote
EDIT: Just making sure I have enough posts to post another essay soon. Thank you!
You do have enough for another :)
Post by: winstondarmawan on October 11, 2017, 10:15:52 pm
Hey! I'll give you feedback on this throughout like I would an essay :)SpoilerAn examination of the intertextual connections between texts facilitates a deepened understanding of a composer’s values, which are represented different due to the dynamic nature of context. Good Thesis, addresses the module well. In particular focus, the reshaping of values such as integrity and humility in Shakespeare’s KRIII and Al Pacino’s LFR reveals the influence of religion and the Tudor myth in the representation of themes such as duplicity and the pursuit of power. A few things at play here, make sure you hone in on the bits relevant to whatever question is in front of you. Watch expression in the real thing.
Topic Sentence 1 (Integrity):
General: Through a study of intertextual connections, a deepened understanding of the dehumanising effects of relinquishing one’s integrity in order to fulfil the insatiable lust for power is attained – despite the dynamic perspectives of the importance of integrity as context shifts. The expression isn't the best here, I think it could be made more concise and more clear, but the idea is great.
Grounding (S): The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Hence, Shakespeare’s characterises Richard as the perfect Machiavellian villain, abandoning any notion of traditional Christian morality to maximise personal gain.
Grounding (P): Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard in LFR as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfil selfish motivations. You would probably not want both of these at the start of the paragraph, it creates too long of a buffer between the start and analysis.
Evidence:
1. Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is established through Shakespeare's use of soliloquy. The opening soliloquy, in particular, reveals to the audience Richard’s “determination to prove a villain”, thus revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. Note: Relate to Edward if ‘relationships’ Like that you are making notes on how to deal with certain prompts. Be sure your analysis is concept focused, not character focused.
· Pacino re-enacts the opening soliloquy, utilising chiaroscuro lighting - a constrast of shadow and light - to emphasise the transgression of duplicitous nature through time, applicable to the 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”. The parallelism allows modern audiences to relate the motives of Richard to the self-made man. Great consideration of modern context - Like that you are structuring your notes comparatively.
2. Shakespeare further elucidates Richard’s innate lack of integrity through the Lady Anne scene, with Richard admitting “[he] will not keep her long”. The dramatic irony enables the audience to first hand witness Richard’s ease of manipulation and abuse of the Christian sacrament of marriage; his soul is so damaged and lacking in integrity that he does not stop to question his morals.
· The docudrama form allows for explanatory intermissions in Pacino’s reconstruction of Richard’s wooing of Anne. The sardonic intercut of “HA!” after Anne’s submission reflects the cunning nature of the tragic hero in his attempt to fulfil his political potential. Through this, modern audiences are alerted to the transcendence of manipulative individuals through time. Doing a great job considering the importance of Pacino's adaptation, but you are analysing in a very character focused way - Be careful!
3. Shakespeare exaggerates Richard’s failure to maintain his shattered identity. In the climax, Richard’s deteriorated conscience is personified to “[have] a thousand separate tongues”. The “tongues”, a religious allusion to the Holy Spirit, perpetuate the degradation of Richard’s conscience under divine retribution – a core theocentric belief at the time.
· Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man, and ultimately assumes the identity of Richard himself. The pastiche of alternating cuts and shots blends the identity of actor and character – evoking empathy from modern audiences regarding the absence of integrity in the self-made man, as Pacino is very much so. Excellent consideration of both contexts.
Topic sentence 2 (Humility): In disregarding a sense of humility, human nature prompts individuals to challenge authoritative figures and ideologies through foul tactics with intentions of asserting their own authority, this resulting in an immoral, condemnable identity. I'm not quite clicking with the link to humility here, as in, I feel you take that first part out and it really doesn't change the Thesis at all?
Grounding (S): The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard to oppose it, warning audiences of the dangers of dismissing one’s sense of humility and thus their preordained destinies.
Grounding (P): Conversely, Pacino re-contextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the self-made man, urging audiences to empathise with Richard’s relinquishing of humility in his quest for domination. As above, condense this sort of background explanation as much as possible, or embed it throughout your textual analysis!
Evidence:
1. Due to the Great Chain of Being - a religious hierarchy imposed upon Shakespeare’s theocentric society – Richard is physically characterised as ‘deformed, unfinished and half-made’. Through natural cause one is ordained their place in society, and despite being of regal blood, Richard is despised by the Elizabethan audience and granted minimal natural authority. What does this say about the concept?
· Further affirming the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who intertextually alludes to Pacino’s role in The Godfather, referring to Richard as a “gangster”. Rather than undermining divine authority, Pacino challenges the authority of the government, allowing modern audiences to understand that despite changing times, that the corruption elicited by an absence of humility is still existent.
2. The theatrical medium of Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre prompted the use of dramatics, particularly Richard’s double-crossing of Buckingham. Great to see you acknowledge this aspect of the initial context, it is really often forgotten! The Elizabethan audience is well are of the totalitarianism Richard exhibits, refusing to provide Buckingham with ‘Th’earldom of Hereford’. Yet, due to his illegitimacy in achieving this rule, Shakespeare’s audience is positioned to recognise Richard’s utmost absence of humility – willing to absolve ties with his closest allies to ensure the dominance of his authority.
· Rather, a 20th century focus on psychoanalysis introduced through the works of Sigmund Freud saw Pacino utilise the docudrama form, layering the voiceover “The emptiness of it…” to echo the dehumanising effects of the manipulation of authority and power on one’s conscience. However, contemporary audiences are positioned to find this ironic as Pacino himself frequently asserts his authority over other production and cast members, with Kimball remarking ‘You thinking you know more than any scholar in England is f*cking ridiculous!’. What technique is used here? Try to have techniques next to EVERY quote!
3. Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s humility will lead to defeat. Richmond is aligned with the goodness of God, praying “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, representative of the theocentric ideology of the triumph of God against evil. Technique? Thus, Shakespeare exemplifies the importance of adhering to the Elizabethan ideologies of his time.
· Conversely, Richmond’s role in the defeat of Richard is minimised in Looking For Richard, his screen presence diminished to a couple of seconds. Rather, a postmodern cinematic focus on action-packed and battle is evident through the panning shots and the blood-stained filter. Through this, Pacino plays on the modern adage ‘All is fair in love and war’, reflecting of the postmodern understanding necessity to omit one’s humility in order to gain power. Yet, it is clear through Richard’s gruelling defeat that perhaps a sense of humility is necessary in facilitating a holistic human experience.
I think you've got some good preparation here! Fantastic consideration of module objectives. Make sure you are analysing concepts, not characters, and make sure your prep isn't too rigid - Be ready to ditch your prepared sentences to respond properly to curveballs. Also make sure every quote has a technique as much as possible! :)
You do have enough for another :)
Thanks heaps Jamon!
Can you please clarify what you mean I'm not quite clicking with the link to humility here, as in, I feel you take that first part out and it really doesn't change the Thesis at all?
Post by: Savas_P on October 11, 2017, 10:26:26 pm
so if I go with learning a quote and the techniques, I usually do this. how many should I aim for? so with mod a Julius Caesar/the prince can I just learn a quote in each text for leadership, politics and morality. then just keep the essay question in mind when writing the paragraphs. still I have problems making sure it answers the question, but I don't have too much time to learn too many quotes.
also should I still memorise a stylish intro?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 11, 2017, 10:34:48 pm
b]I'm not quite clicking with the link to humility here, as in, I feel you take that first part out and it really doesn't change the Thesis at all?[/b]
Meaning, I don't get the point of having humility in that sentence. I don't see how it links to the rest of the sentence or to the other ideas you present :)
got to 50 posts but don't have any essay ready to ask for feedback. I am struggling here, was going to create generic essays to memorise, how would I cover all the information so it is ready for any question?
so if I go with learning a quote and the techniques, I usually do this. how many should I aim for? so with mod a Julius Caesar/the prince can I just learn a quote in each text for leadership, politics and morality. then just keep the essay question in mind when writing the paragraphs. still I have problems making sure it answers the question, but I don't have too much time to learn too many quotes.
also should I still memorise a stylish intro?
With time short, I'd focus on just memorising quotes and techniques - You can make up everything else as you go! Try and memorise as many quotes/techniques as you can (within reason), ideally you've got 3 or 4 per paragraph so you want to remember a solid dozen per module! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 14, 2017, 10:25:31 am
Hi, can you please check my Module A essay on Intertextual Perspectives (Julius Caesar & The Prince)? Thank you sooo much.
Sure thing Jeff!! :)
Spoiler
Despite the distinct context of each, a clear connection between the texts is their exploration of integrity as a facet of the human condition.
Analyse how the process of comparing Julius Caesar and The Prince refined your appreciation of integrity.
Despite differing contexts that formulate key values of humanity, the composers’ portrayal of political leadership are universal in disregarding the need for integrity in favour for stability. I feel the wording is a bit off at the start there, but I like the idea. I don't think contexts 'formulate' key values is the issue. William Shakespeare’s play ‘Julius Caesar’ and Niccolo Machiavelli’s treatise ‘The Prince’ both establish the common motives of the composers’ zeitgeist by conveying the application of honour and morality, the divine order and manipulation in leadership within a turmoil political situation both in Elizabethan England and Renaissance Italy. A little short, I'd like you to expand more on the aims/applications of the module. But sound, does its job.
Only minimal consideration is required for upholding honour and morality to ensure one’s own political survival in a turmoil situation. Again I think the wording isn't quite right there - Only minimal consideration is "given to upholding..." maybe? Machiavelli exemplifies the manipulative needs of a leader in order to sustain a stable political system. 'If a ruler wants to survive, he'll have to learn to stop being good,' reinforces Machiavelli’s faith in malice as a foundation for maintaining social stability, abandoning moral righteousness utilising an unsympathetic didactic tone. Technique there? This is made imperative in the disastrous political turmoil of Renaissance Italy where a leader must constantly renew their alliances and moral values in accordance to current events. The abolishment of the Republic of Florence forces Machiavelli to lose his advisory and hence is required to sacrifice moral integrity in order to maintain influence in the political sphere by supporting the monarchical Medici family. You definitely need more techniques/analysis here, rather than broad contextual commentary, to sustain better analysis. This is similarly portrayed in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, 'Set honour in one eye and death in the other' uses ethos and dramatic rhetoric to emphasise the cost of upholding honour. Good. By opposing the social context of Elizabethan England where honour and morality are thought to be the perfect qualities of a leader, Shakespeare highlights the ramifications that lead to death. Brutus's embracement of honour ultimately leads to his downfall disregarding political survival. Retell. He serves as a key example of a good ruler of flawed humanity that Machiavelli denounces in their failure. Regardless of the varying context, both Machiavelli and Shakespeare emphasise the need to ignore honour and morality in order to survive. Good links drawn between texts, but more techniques/analysis needed to push into the high range.
The apprehension of the divine order is essential in political success, gaining not only stability but also integrity. Good concept. Machiavelli's aphorism 'There is nothing more important than appearing to be religious' uses inartistic invention to highlight the vitality of divinity in the political survival of a stable leadership but also disregarding religious integrity. By gaining divine power, a leader has unquestionable rule such as the Pope who not only had control of the Papal States but also the entire Renaissance Europe with the King of Spain and France aligned with his Catholic beliefs. Commas to break up your longer thoughts would be beneficial. This comes to the notion that divinity cannot be challenged as it does not require reasoning in achieving its aims. Shakespeare portrays the application of Machiavellian ideals in Julius Caesar. ‘I do know but one That unassailable holds on his rank,’ emphasises Caesar’s destruction of the divine order through third person flattery that leads to his death. Try to go beyond the characters and plot when analysing effects! Despite Caesar’s ignorance of integrity to sustain political stability, he fails to wield religious power in order to act unquestionably. Shakespeare expresses the loss of religion as disastrous for a ruler alluding to Queen Elizabeth who was both Head of the Church of England and the Tudor monarch allowing her to manipulate divine power to her own political desires. Good contextual link. Caesar’s failure to achieve both reveals the importance of Machiavelli’s notions of religion. Hence, the differing contexts of Elizabethan England and Renaissance Italy both accentuate the need to apprehend divine power in political success. Some good contextual links here, but again just a bit more analysis and a shift away from retell would benefit you greatly.
Manipulation is an essential component of political leadership in maintaining power without human integrity. Machiavelli's anthropocentric humanist views considering humans as the central element of existence above God accentuates his immoral values in the importance of political manipulation. He upholds the scheming, venomous politician Cesare Borgia, revering his audacity to enforce brutality when necessary. How does he reveal this? Quote/technique? Borgia becomes a key ideal in the didactic aphorism “opponents with their cunning…achieved more than leaders who behaved honestly” to demonstrate the vitality of a manipulative nature. Only when moral values of orthodox Christian ideology are rejected does a leader become ultimately successful in manipulation to employ cruelty when necessary in order to maintain power. This feels like a new Thesis here, perhaps introduce this idea near the top and START with Shakespeare? Shakespeare exemplifies an ideal manipulative leader in Mark Antony in the anaphoric repetition of 'Brutus was an honourable man' spoken in sophisticated verse in order to sway public opinion to make his honour tokenistic. Following Machiavelli's aphorism, the cunningness of Antony outperforms Brutus's honest approach in leadership exemplifying the importance of manipulation and challenging Roman virtue. Relying a little much on a plot point there. Thus Shakespeare ambiguously parallels to Queen Elizabeth who was ruthless in persecuting Catholics utilising manipulation in order to maintain power as the virgin queen. Great. Therefore the necessity of manipulation is upheld in order to survive in turmoil political situations.
Through the context of turmoil political situations, the notions of honour and morality, the divine order and manipulation are explored in Machiavelli's 'The Prince' and Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'. The zeitgeist of the composers highlights the universal nature of political leadership, disregarding the need for integrity despite the differing contexts that shape human values.
Analyse how the process of comparing Julius Caesar and The Prince refined your appreciation of integrity.
Despite differing contexts that formulate key values of humanity, the composers’ portrayal of political leadership are universal in disregarding the need for integrity in favour for stability. I feel the wording is a bit off at the start there, but I like the idea. I don't think contexts 'formulate' key values is the issue. William Shakespeare’s play ‘Julius Caesar’ and Niccolo Machiavelli’s treatise ‘The Prince’ both establish the common motives of the composers’ zeitgeist by conveying the application of honour and morality, the divine order and manipulation in leadership within a turmoil political situation both in Elizabethan England and Renaissance Italy. A little short, I'd like you to expand more on the aims/applications of the module. But sound, does its job.
Only minimal consideration is required for upholding honour and morality to ensure one’s own political survival in a turmoil situation. Again I think the wording isn't quite right there - Only minimal consideration is "given to upholding..." maybe? Machiavelli exemplifies the manipulative needs of a leader in order to sustain a stable political system. 'If a ruler wants to survive, he'll have to learn to stop being good,' reinforces Machiavelli’s faith in malice as a foundation for maintaining social stability, abandoning moral righteousness utilising an unsympathetic didactic tone. Technique there? This is made imperative in the disastrous political turmoil of Renaissance Italy where a leader must constantly renew their alliances and moral values in accordance to current events. The abolishment of the Republic of Florence forces Machiavelli to lose his advisory and hence is required to sacrifice moral integrity in order to maintain influence in the political sphere by supporting the monarchical Medici family. You definitely need more techniques/analysis here, rather than broad contextual commentary, to sustain better analysis. This is similarly portrayed in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, 'Set honour in one eye and death in the other' uses ethos and dramatic rhetoric to emphasise the cost of upholding honour. Good. By opposing the social context of Elizabethan England where honour and morality are thought to be the perfect qualities of a leader, Shakespeare highlights the ramifications that lead to death. Brutus's embracement of honour ultimately leads to his downfall disregarding political survival. Retell. He serves as a key example of a good ruler of flawed humanity that Machiavelli denounces in their failure. Regardless of the varying context, both Machiavelli and Shakespeare emphasise the need to ignore honour and morality in order to survive. Good links drawn between texts, but more techniques/analysis needed to push into the high range.
The apprehension of the divine order is essential in political success, gaining not only stability but also integrity. Good concept. Machiavelli's aphorism 'There is nothing more important than appearing to be religious' uses inartistic invention to highlight the vitality of divinity in the political survival of a stable leadership but also disregarding religious integrity. By gaining divine power, a leader has unquestionable rule such as the Pope who not only had control of the Papal States but also the entire Renaissance Europe with the King of Spain and France aligned with his Catholic beliefs. Commas to break up your longer thoughts would be beneficial. This comes to the notion that divinity cannot be challenged as it does not require reasoning in achieving its aims. Shakespeare portrays the application of Machiavellian ideals in Julius Caesar. ‘I do know but one That unassailable holds on his rank,’ emphasises Caesar’s destruction of the divine order through third person flattery that leads to his death. Try to go beyond the characters and plot when analysing effects! Despite Caesar’s ignorance of integrity to sustain political stability, he fails to wield religious power in order to act unquestionably. Shakespeare expresses the loss of religion as disastrous for a ruler alluding to Queen Elizabeth who was both Head of the Church of England and the Tudor monarch allowing her to manipulate divine power to her own political desires. Good contextual link. Caesar’s failure to achieve both reveals the importance of Machiavelli’s notions of religion. Hence, the differing contexts of Elizabethan England and Renaissance Italy both accentuate the need to apprehend divine power in political success. Some good contextual links here, but again just a bit more analysis and a shift away from retell would benefit you greatly.
Manipulation is an essential component of political leadership in maintaining power without human integrity. Machiavelli's anthropocentric humanist views considering humans as the central element of existence above God accentuates his immoral values in the importance of political manipulation. He upholds the scheming, venomous politician Cesare Borgia, revering his audacity to enforce brutality when necessary. How does he reveal this? Quote/technique? Borgia becomes a key ideal in the didactic aphorism “opponents with their cunning…achieved more than leaders who behaved honestly” to demonstrate the vitality of a manipulative nature. Only when moral values of orthodox Christian ideology are rejected does a leader become ultimately successful in manipulation to employ cruelty when necessary in order to maintain power. This feels like a new Thesis here, perhaps introduce this idea near the top and START with Shakespeare? Shakespeare exemplifies an ideal manipulative leader in Mark Antony in the anaphoric repetition of 'Brutus was an honourable man' spoken in sophisticated verse in order to sway public opinion to make his honour tokenistic. Following Machiavelli's aphorism, the cunningness of Antony outperforms Brutus's honest approach in leadership exemplifying the importance of manipulation and challenging Roman virtue. Relying a little much on a plot point there. Thus Shakespeare ambiguously parallels to Queen Elizabeth who was ruthless in persecuting Catholics utilising manipulation in order to maintain power as the virgin queen. Great. Therefore the necessity of manipulation is upheld in order to survive in turmoil political situations.
Through the context of turmoil political situations, the notions of honour and morality, the divine order and manipulation are explored in Machiavelli's 'The Prince' and Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'. The zeitgeist of the composers highlights the universal nature of political leadership, disregarding the need for integrity despite the differing contexts that shape human values.
Solid stuff Jeff, I think you just need a few more quotes/techniques! Ideas are great and contextual links are spot on, just needs a tad more analysis to push it into that really high range :)